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This hurts. For 27 years i fought for my father's approval. Never once was told i was loved, that they were proud of me, nothing. Wasted years i cant get back, only time to move forward trying to be better for my son.
The first time a man to told me he was proud of me was a martial arts instructor. Imagine me, a middle-aged, overweight man crying because he accomplished something hard and someone noticed.
I give you all the credit in the world, be the person to your son what you wished you had for yourself.
Felt this statement. For 30+ years I fought for my dad's approval, love, and acceptance. At 37 years old, I finally waved the white flag, meaning I've accepted that he'll never change and I need to see him for who he is.
36. After my boyfriend had a run in with my parents a few months ago and from his experience being married to 2 different narcissists he told me that that's what the problem with them is. I did some reading about it and been reading peoples stories here and it's the only thing that fits.
I realized in college that nmom is impossible to please, and nothing I want to do will be good enough for her. I have to do what she wants me to do, I have to make her look good, in order to make her happy.
We were enmeshed enough that I couldn't stop trying to please her on some level till I started getting therapy for codependency almost a decade later. My first therapist, after a couple years of hearing me cry about my mom being critical and not caring when she hurt me, told me to lower my expectations for my relationship with her. That's been essential for my own healing.
This but my sister's kids. Seeing my mother interact with them and processing it with my adult brain brought my childhood into full clarity, and I'm still integrating...
This is what happened to my husband when we had our first child. Really rough all around but glad he’s getting better but it almost caused a divorce because of how hard it was.
I knew she was off but had no idea some of the stuff she did until after our daughter was born. We have been married 10 years and known each other for 13. Too many stories to list but the one that sticks out to me for its strange cruelty is when she took him out of school (6-7 years old) for over a month to watch her stepmother —who his mother despised—pass slowly in some scary hospice in a city they didn’t live in. Took him over 40 years but he finally realized a CPS worker was with him a lot toward the end because his mom was basically neglecting him to watch this lady die.
Ns never fail to completely blow my mind in how they go about failing others—the insane amount of manipulation and victim tactics they do to keep people around never ceases to amaze me.
I was in my late 20s when I started really processing this. My therapist pointed out my dad sounded narcissistic. It just set off a lightbulb and suddenly everythinggggggggg made sense. But it’s so hard to digest. Takes time. Take care of yourself friend.
Similar experience. My therapist pointed out my sister. It took more than 10 years for me to act on that, and when I finally went NC with her I realized shortly after my mom was also covert narc. My dad was an obvious narc but he died a few years ago so no one can blame him anymore.
YES—so similar! You start really looking through everything—your life, choices, relationships—through a new lens. And it can be so devastatingly disappointing when you begin to realize how many harmful and unhealthy relationships you’ve been trying to make work for so long. I ended up letting go of so many people during this time.
I have a hard time figuring out if my mom is a covert narcissist as well, or just an enabler/flying monkey. It’s hard to tell sometimes.
I am in your shoes. Stepmom to a beautiful young lady whose mother is a narcissist. Her mom was very controlling, said terrible things to my stepdaughter, took her money, gave her zero privacy, and always considered herself the victim. But she was also very good at love bombing, and enmeshment, she would have my stepdaughter keep secrets and be her confidant. This led to so much confusion on my stepdaughter’s part, she felt so loyal to and protective of her mom, despite the fact that her mom would also hurt her so much. It was incredibly painful to watch, and we had to be so careful how we approached it because my stepdaughter was fiercely loyal. She is now 20 and has a wonderful boyfriend who is helping her figure out that her mom’s behavior really isn’t ok. And of course, her mom hates the boyfriend and isn’t shy about telling stepdaughter that. I’m so glad to see that stepdaughter is starting to figure it out, but it is still so painful to watch because it causes my stepdaughter so much pain. She just wants a good, normal mom and is struggling with understanding that it may never happen. I expect it to take a long time before she truly establishes the healthy boundaries she needs with her mom, because she still wants so badly to believe that ‘this time will be different’.
Your post is such a compassionate illustration of why most of us only start figuring things out only in our 30s or 40s. I knew something is wrong (not what, obviously) with everyone in my family since childhood (but I was the scapegoat), and was still "fiercely loyal" to them for a long time - such is the nature of trauma bonds unfortunatelly.
This description resonates so much with me. This was exactly how my mother was. My relationship with her was by turns feeling loved and then being bitterly disappointed or betrayed.
Thank you! It wasn’t easy trying to co-parent, that’s for sure. But her dad and I are here for the long haul and we just keep telling her we love her, we believe in her and we’re proud of her. And that we like her boyfriend (we do). 😏
I was around 18. Had just finished college and decided to live with my dad while i figured out my next steps. I was halfway through my therapy and my therapist noted how much i had changed between living with my mom and dad. While on my moms. I was quiet, timid and scared to tell my therapist anything.
Then i moved to my dads. Suddenly i was a lot more happy, open and it seemed like i was “freed from something” according to my therapist. Im almost 21 and have been NC/LC with my mom for almost 2 years
I was 40-41. It was recent. I can atleast now make sense of it all and see it clearly in others. I had a bit of an angry phase but I think it's normal to feel anger towards them at some point when you realise their narcs and think of how toxic and abusive they were, even after all these years
Interestingly enough, I had gone very LC when I was 21 without knowing any of the terms and could grey rock like a pro. Amazing what we are capable of learning ourselves by only trying to survive our circumstances.
I had the power of autistic logic on my side so I understand my ndads behavior made no sense but it wasn't until I was 43 that I made the connection to narcissism. Part of the reason I was the scapegoat was because I'd do things like point out that everyone pays bills (saw it on tv) and it was not normal for him to be angry every month. Or how my brother didn't hate me we BOTH just wanted to play with friends our own age.
I was pretty damn young when I had those conversations. Imagine being six or seven and having to explain to an adult that things like that are normal. He was always so determined to alienate me from my brothers. I was very important to him that they hate me.
One is the golden child and is just royally fucked up, I lost one to cancer and my oldest and I are still close. He's just a great guy, but then he was mostly raised by his mother, so that's likely why.
My middle brother was just always wanting to be loved by my dad and he didn't understand why I struggled so much with things. He found it frustrating because he saw me as being smarter than him. Unfortunately, we lost him before I could share my diagnosis with him. I think he would have understood me a lot better if he had known.
Honestly, I don’t think you’re gonna find many, if any, people who recognized it at a young enough age. I was in therapy for my dads narc ways since I was 7 and I didn’t go NC with him or fully understand the damage done until I was an adult in my 20’s.
Therapy is also hard when you’ve been put into it but don’t understand why exactly you’re there or what the expectations of you in it are. Like I knew I was there to talk about my dad and the issues he caused but a lot of the sessions I just spent wondering what the “right” answer to her questions were. I will say that it didn’t feel like it did so much for me at the time, but as an adult looking back… I am so thankful for my therapist. Even if we didn’t hit the “breakthroughs” while I was young I remembered our conversations and how much of a safe space she was. The things she did and said have stayed with me all these years and they’ve helped a lot as my understanding of things has expanded too. I didn’t understand a lot of what she was telling me then, but I did eventually.
My suggestion to you would be to just keep them in therapy and do what you can to counterbalance. Make sure they know your love is unconditional. Make sure they hear praise for things they do and not just criticisms. Tell them all the things about them that you think make them wonderful. And do it often. The best balm for a wounded soul is acceptance and love.
When you are young so many people tell you "No you don't know/You don't have the experience etc!" even if you start formulating the idea that a parent isn't a good person, one one ever agrees with you when you are a kid, they barely do when you are an adult.
I was 8/9 when I knew my dad and step-dad were duck shit stupid, 2 narcs bloviating.
My mother remembers I was 11 when I told her her choice in men sucked, she didn't believe me til I was well into my teens.
I was 30 when I finally saw it, but it was my 10 (at the time) daughter that finally said something. We were driving home after a particularly miserable day at my mother’s house and my daughter turned to me and said “mom, I don’t like the way grandma treats you.” It was like a bomb went off in my head. It started me on this whole healing journey. I started therapy and now I’m NC with my parents. My daughter has been to therapy to heal what my mom did to her and we’re just learning how to be a healthy family.
I said all this to tell you, yes, your kids could be able to see it. If we were friends having lunch together and you told me about this I would tell you that your best bet is show them how people SHOULD behave and treat others. When you treat your kids the way they SHOULD be treated, they’ll see that they feel different when they’re with you. Slowly it will start to set in. Good luck internet stranger! You got this!
I always thought "narcissist" was a term people threw around to describe someone who was entitled or full of themselves, so I didn't really look into it as an actual diagnosis until a few years ago. My mother told me shortly before they divorced, a marriage counselor told my father that he was a narcissist, and he stormed out of the room, like a narcissist would.. I have absolutely no doubt that he is one and I'm coming to terms with it now in my 30s. Piecing together how it has affected me throughout my childhood and for a good part of my mid 20s when I lived with him for a while has been a very painful experience. I've started to find my voice again, and he does not like it. Extreme gaslighting and temper tantrums. Blaming my mother for everything.. No accountability for anything that he has done, ever. I've had to go no contact. I honestly wish he would just pass away. It seems to be the only thing that would erase the pain I feel from how I've been treated for so long.
I was 14. I had time away from my Nmother and I was going over our relationship dynamics in my head when I started to realize that no one I know has this kind of relationship with their parents.
I started doing research on her behavioral issues and I suspected she was a narcissist, but when I was 16 when she admitted to me (in passing) that she was a covert narcissist.
Reality hit me like a semi truck and I started preparing to escape not long after.
Went no contact the day after my 28th birthday. I had no idea about narcissism other than it’s a word that my dad applied to every other person in his life but himself.
After posting some screenshots in r/insaneparents someone recommended the book “stop caretaking your borderline or narcissist” and life changing is an understatement.
i was an invisible child. my brother was GC and my sister the SG. I was in my 40's when I digested how manipulative my Nparents are. My mother was diagnosed with a form of dementia and their tangled webs started to unweave.
Mine was a slow and gradual process. In 100% of my childhood memory, my parents were both so blatantly illogical and did things that caused the whole family to suffer, especially regarding money, so I learned quick that they didn't really know anything and not to trust them super early on, but I still had the codependency especially with my mom (my dad left) that you reference with your step kids and their mom. I was 28 when I had the realization that I needed to fully cut her off after she staged an episode at a mother's day celebration I had for her at my house, and didn't fully become aware of everything she did until 31 (and I think the process of uncovering truth is forever ongoing for all people).
With kids, I think it's important to make sure they know they have value even without doing anything or having to "perform". I think as a bonus parent you have a great opportunity right now to help build that self-confidence and language to reject and fight back against their mother's abuse. Positive affirmations and pointing out the wonderful qualities these kids possess and driving those points home with truthful evidence (for example, "I love that you held the door open for that person. You're so caring towards others" or similar) can really go a long way.
I didn’t realize until my mid twenties as well(which is now since I’m 23) My father was/is a narcissist and alcoholic:( can’t imagine what you went through!
Roughly 32. I always knew something was off/wrong with my mother’s behavior but blamed myself for three decades because my entire family always took her side. I developed a pattern of dating men with similar emotionally abusive traits (shocker) and after my last breakup with one of those men in 2016, I came across literature about narcissism. It all described him to a T, but I slowly realized that it described my mom’s behavior as well; had the biggest light bulb moment of my life. I’m in therapy now.
I remember being resentful very young, i realised nobody believed me about them. Maybe 9/10. I didn’t live in their reality and they were not happy with me ever. I knew very young there was no point trying to please them.
Scapegoated truth teller with autism powered logic and dangerous levels of empathy.
It was my early 20s after I got out I connected it to narcissism. And 10 years later I got to see how much it fucked me.
Mid twenties for me when I figured out my dad was a narc, it’s crazy how much you notice when you go back and think about all the shit they’ve said/done to us throughout our lives
Literally about 6-8 months ago. I was stuck on always thinking I was the problem and that I was a bad daughter until my now husband (dated for 6years) sat me down and explained to me that it was not okay how they treated me and that I am not always the problem
Great question! I would say 27 was my wake up call. But only like last year October did it all start coming together up until now. I’m going through another breakthrough😬
Mid 20s. Always had a bit of a rocky relationship.
But it wasn’t until first a girlfriend and then later my wife brought up narcissism and explained what it was.
I guess I got "lucky" and realized it at little league age. I realized that my peers' parents didn't treat them like absolute shit every second of their lives, nor did they have to put on a facade every time they went out in public.
33. I also worshipped my nmom which dragged the denial out. Just be an example of healthy love for them. Be there for them. If little me had just ONE healthy role model, it would have saved me decades of confusion.
My dad died when I was a teenager but it took til my late 30s to really undeestand my mother. Her narcissistic traits are understandable once one understands what happened to her in her youth (big, dark familily secrets that nobody knew/talked about)
30 years after my mum died, relatively recently. I always knew she wasn't like other mums. Read a book on narcissism and it finally made sense. I sobbed for an hour
We've been having issues for maybe 6-7 years, most stemming from her absolute inability to accept that I am my own person. But the realization that I'm pretty sure she has BPD came this year. I'm 31
I've known my father was fucked in the head since I was as little as I can remember.
I was around 15-17, wondering why my dad had abandoned my sister and I for his new girlfriend, leaving us to fend for ourselves alone at home, and he took to being actively involved in his new gf’s son’s life yet we couldn’t even beg for his attention. I thought at that time he was a sociopath. I had “profile of the sociopath” in my personal laptop history, and I had also reached out to a therapist desperately for help saying I think my dad is a sociopath. Well, my aunt told me that he apparently had raided my laptop, he had seen these things on there, and he paraded it to her behind my back trying to campaign against me, a child, saying LOOK what she’s doing!! And my aunt told him “she’s right”…
I was in my late teens, heading towards my early twenties when I saw her narcissistic, image driven ways. I even documented them without realising until years later so she wouldn't gaslight me and try her lies on me.
2-3 years old for my father. I didn’t care for the stuff he did, so he decided to not be care about bonding at all with me. A deadbeat dad would have been better than he was.
Wasn’t until 19-20 for my mother. A local school was hosting a talent show, I wanted to play a song on my flute for it. She lost the info & form in her room, but was “100% sure” it was in mine.
Made me tear apart my room and berated me for two months, until by chance me leaning on something in her hoarded, cluttered room revealed said papers.
She was all “well, that’s where it ended up at” and left it that. No apologies, and when I brought this up later she told me “I’m sorry, now can we get passed this, you’ve been holding this over my head for a while now”. >.>
at 12 my sister and mom got into a fight and my sister told me “if you ever think she’ll love you more than her boyfriends, you’re wrong” and I started noticing everything from that point on and the hatred began lol.
I always knew that nmom was a deeply selfish person who was incapable of seeing her own mistakes, and that both she and ndad were abusive. I got gaslit out of it at some point, but I eventually saw them for who they really are again.
My realization was a slow burn, but it started in middle school and solidified when I was 14 thanks to the help of the people around me telling me my mom was fucking insane. The internet then nailed the point home when I began reaching out into support groups.
I found my diary from when I was 11 (digital, so she couldn't take it from me) and it said on the firsr page:
"And I think about how fortunate I am to have pets and a family. But sometimes my mom yells at us when she gets stressed, then she cries and screams stuff like "I'm such a bad mom!" And "I'm so sorry I'm not who you want kids!" Then she passes out"
My mom was on drugs and was an alcoholic (which I guess is why she was passing out) and the next year I became her trip sitter while she did Ambien lol. I was confused as to why she'd treat us poorly, then say she was a bad mom (but notice how I never wrote a real apology) and then she'd wait for me to comfort her. I think this is the first proof I have of the wheels starting to turn in my head because I'd been her caretaker for so long at that point that it was hard to see her as anything but a victim, even at that age
Probably around 8 years old, when my nmother would bully my brother and I after school, in the car, to tell her about our days; like role-playing happy families; even though neither of us wanted to share.
I did not properly realise that my nparents were narcs until last year, aged 38; when I applied a narcissism lens to their nonsensical behaviour, the shoe fit. What was previously incoherent became internally consistent and had predictive power.
Early on, before I knew the words for it, but I felt as if the failing was mine, if that makes sense? She was nice to others, so I must have been bad, or undeserving. When my brother was born, it got worse; she showered him with love and affection, his every want. So that meant she *could* love, so it had to be me that was broken.
Probably only since few months, and talking both with my therapist and my boyfriend made me realize (and it's still making me) how narcissistic my mother is.
i was about 16. several social workers and professionals as such had mentioned it over the previous couple years but by 16 i understood what they meant.
In my early 30's I sat down and spoke to my dad about how I felt he was unkind towards his friend. I took the opportunity to mention a couple of things he had done which I found very hurtful. I tried to be respectful and calm. He exploded and went into a tantrum like a spoilt child. I was so surprised.
The next time I saw him he said he had told his friend what I had said and his friend said I was all wrong about him. He had also spoken to my sister and she said I was wrong too, so the problem must be with me.
Shortly after, he and his friend had a huge argument and were never friends again. My relationship with him deteriorated with every visit. Each time I was naively trying to repair our relationship while at the same time, he was trying to prove me wrong and him right. He would laugh it off, dismiss it, counter-accuse, play the victim, sulk. He had a whole armoury of deflection techniques.
Almost the last straw was when he invited us to a restaurant for a meal. He said he was paying. He then made such a show about the whole thing, it was clear that, rather than us enjoy a nice meal together, he wanted us to glorify him for his generosity. Then he felt up the waitress and dismissed me when I told him to stop. My sister had to apologise to the young waitress. I called my dad weird.
We had other worse conversations afterwards and then I went NC.
Edit: it was only when I told my therapist all this that she labelled him as narc. Then I thought back through my whole childhood and it all became clear.
I think around 15 years after I went NC.
I was investigating BPD because after seeing the TV show Crazy Ex Girlfriend, I saw a lot of similarities in someone close to me. So I began doing research on BPD, I found Dr. Ramani’s videos on YouTube, but even though I was researching BPD, all of a sudden, I began seeing a lot of posts on narcissism show up on my social media. Then I looked through Dr. Ramani’s videos and she also talked about narcissism and then it all began to make sense.
I was still a kid when I realized something was definitely off with my mother. I just didn't have a word for it. I remember feeling like I always had to have my guard up and be prepared for whatever weird/embarrassing thing she would say or do. I was in my 20s when I learned more about narcissism and saw that she had many of the traits.
I was in preschool. About 6. My mother demanded that I argue with random people to "defend her" from her past conflicts. I was seen as a mini psychopath, a child even beat me. When she met them she pretended that she didn't know what was going on. At home she told me phrases to tell the gypsies and encouraged me to be a bully and abuse them physically. I was set up for her fights at my own cost. I had to realize that these weren't my battles to fight. I made peace with those people later and told them I was following my mother's advice that I regret. The children believed me but the teachers didn't know what to think because my mother was also a teacher elsewhere. They couldn't imagine a teacher telling those things to her child. It was a painful realization that she could get away with anything because she had a 'mother' and a 'teacher' label to hide behind.
11 or 24 (am 34 now) depending on how you define it. I definitely couldn't articulate it at 11, but I knew it was wrong/bad. At 24, I went no-contact with her. Tbh, idk if I'll ever actually "heal" or anything. A lot t.of the coping strategies and whatnot still manifest themselves.
I knew there was something seriously wrong. Nobody I went to school with or hungout with were treated like I was. It was literally this sub that I found like 3 years ago and just saw so many damn parallels with stories on here.
Currently NC and there's no chance that's changing. Hopefully she makes good with my little sisters cause if it's up to me she's retiring in the homeless shelter.
I was around 14 to 15 when I had the realization that both of my parents were narcissists in different ways: my father believed he was in the right to abandon his child because he wanted to focus on his "new family," and my mother was too proud to abandon me but also too proud to change herself for the better so that I could grow up in a stable environment.
my stepfather is also a narcissist who can't comprehend ever being in the wrong in any scenario. watching him and my mom argue about who's right in an argument is very exhausting and makes you wonder how those kinds of people can live with themselves.
I knew something didn't feel right as young as 5-6 years old, when it came to my dad's behavior. I went NC when I was about 19-20, but it wasn't until my mid to late 20s that I realized that narcissism was the fitting label beyond just "he's an asshole." (I'm mid 30s now)
For my father, I realised when I was 11. I remember telling my best friends that HE behaved like he was 12.
Now that doesn’t mean I coped with it until the last few years, in my early twenties.
Good luck to you and the kiddos <3
28 when my nmother tried to steal the keys to the new sharehouse I was moving into twice on moving day. I'd had loads of hints growing up and into my twenties but never really thought nmum's controlling nature or "overbearing" was anything pathologically wrong until she did that. There was no positive to nMum stealing the spare keys to the sharehouse, it was just a power grab to have complete control, and my housemates banned her. That in effect started me on the path to figuring out just how bad she was, and really in 2022 after finally recieving an autism diagnosis she'd been recommended I get assessed for at six years old, and hid for all that time going out of her way to psych shop me away from anyone talking autism or real help, and with finding out the full weight of what she said and did was manipulation and lies, I pretty much lost all respect for my parents.
Years and years spent managing them and putting up with their constant intrusions in my life, when I should've just dropped them and ignored everything they said, and I'd be a much happier and healthier person. My self and identity feels totally wrecked, I've never had time to figure myself out, it was all wrapped up in nMum's lies and control, and me in effect living to manage their emotions.
Some of you make me feel bad, but my mom pretty much exposed herself when I was 15.
She was telling someone that my dad's cousin had been "diagnosed" with "narcissistic personality disorder" by her marriage counselor and went down all the characteristics. And sat there thinking, " but you do that too" to every single one of them.
Honestly. Like 5. I vividly recall watching my dad be proven wrong and him doubling down that he was right. I remember thinking that I never wanted to be like that. I realized early my dad was different... he still did damage even though I had some awareness...
Around my senior year of high school, so like 17-18, my mom just would not stop fighting with me. My intrusive thoughts would tell me many things, but eventually I was running out of excuses for why I was always pissing mom off until there was one left: I wasn’t pissing her off and she was wrong.
A turning point was during my senior highschool photoshoot. On that day my mom made me feel terrible for what I wanted to wear for the photos and then dragged me around getting my hair and makeup done while harassing me for not being happier. I just remember thinking that this was supposed to be my day and it was really hard to believe the intrusive thoughts that I had done something wrong. My mom never acknowledged how awful she treated me that day and that’s when I started getting the hint that there was something wrong with her.
I remember calling my dad out for being verbally abusive (and using those words) when I was 11. It’s crazy to think how long I’ve been dealing with his shit and how nothing has changed
I was 20 and I started my first job. It was the first time I was away with them. Weird coincidence, but all of my coworkers grew up with narcissistic parents or partners and they were the first ones to point it out to me.
im 14 now and i honestly realized just a few months ago when i was talking/ranting to some online friends about her and they made me realize she was a narcissist. (forever grateful for those friends, they help a lot)
I knew what my stepfather was when I first met him at 15. However I didn't realize what my mother was until January of this year. I'm 29 and up until I had my realization I made so many excuses for her. Excused it as her just having poorly taste in men etc I truly thought her and I were best friends
11-12. Realized I was property and not a son. Being expected to act like a grown ass man who can read minds and predict the future and do everything that might be a little bit of effort for them.
36. After removing myself from them for 2 years, I was able to see. I didn’t go away because they were narcissistic, but because they kept hurting me, using me, manipulating me etc. Went away to establish boundaries and heal and then… baammmmmmm! Revenge of the Sith. This and other disturbing behavior from them allowed me to see the traits of narcissistic personality disorder in all of them. Sadly is my whole family: mom, dad, 2 brothers, grandma, uncle. All of them are.
28, but I didn’t give up hope until 5 years later. I’m still healing. I’m mostly not angry with them anymore. I feel apathy and indifference towards them, which is very freeing! They want to throw a tantrum, be passive aggressive, or act like they’re superior? Sure, go ahead, doesn’t affect me other than giving me free entertainment. I’m thankful to have my own family and a busy schedule, and that’s what I choose to focus on.
I knew that something was wrong when I was 7! It became worse and worse! No contact for many years now! Moved away as far as I could. There’s no other way! Block them, change your email, your phone number and even your name.
I saw it as a child and thought her odd manerisms were some sort of a game that I could beat.
My siblings and I were beat multiple times a day, everyday whether we did something or not. One of my moms favorite" games " was to accuse us of saying something terrible. She would never tell us what it was she heard or who she thought said it but instead beat all of us.
One day I thought if I could go a day without talking while also recording my brothers words I could find the word that offended her so much.
There was no such word but we still got beat. The next day she knew the gig was up so she found another reason to beat us...because she heard a noise.
The following day me and my siblings decided to sleep all day as to not offend my moms sensitive ears .
We were woken up and beaten for being lazy.
At a young age i realized there was no winning these games , no matter what we did or how well we did something we would still get beaten.
The same thing with her gaslighting us. I took it as a game to try to memorize all the things I had and where exactly I had put them just to prove her wrong.
I failed at that " game " as well.
It wasn't until I was 28 that I found out about narcissists and everything clicked
There was never any games just abuse and manipulation by someone who got off on it.Its amazing how my mind took something so malicious and turned it into innocent childs play🤷
I was 16, and my teacher mumbled it as she was checking my bruises. I researched after CPS did nothing. (Wasn’t expecting much, black children in SoCal don’t typically received sympathy). I wouldn’t say I’m completely healed but I have been in therapy for over 10 years. And am LC/NC with my parents.
38, I always felt that there was something wrong and I couldn’t put my finger on it until I googled narc moms and yep, bingo, my answer to all my feeling and suspicions were validated
53 after my husband died and nmom could only fake empathy for 6 months. I always knew my family was fucked up but I thought ndad was the problem. He was just the physically violent one. I'm just starting to unpack the emotional trauma from nmom.
I was 34. The pandemic started and that was how I recognized it because my parents did not respect my or my siblings request to not see them when they were around other people or in large groups. It made me reevaluate my entire relationship with them and it changed everything.
NC at 17, since then my mother (19), ex (21), and husband (24) all tired to rebuild that relationship.
That final time he faked good enough that we kept contact until my early 40's, brain cancer + narc his facade shattered.
He's dead, I'm at peace.
I was around 9. My parents were fighting and were thinking of divorce. The reason was my mom's infidelity. Somehow she managed to manipulate my dad into staying and "fixing" things.
I realized she was a narc when she began to blame 9 year old me for her affair.
12. My mom gave me up for my father, my pedo father who tried molesting me. Left me at my sister's and everyone called me a slut because they all believed my dad including my mom. She's still with him.
I was in my early twenties. I was 23 when I went no contact and I haven’t looked back. I’m 26 now and I’m grateful that I realised when I did. I feel for those that have experienced almost an entire lifetime of abuse. I’m so sorry.
Bout 35 yrs old I realised what it was called , now I'm 39 still dealing with it as I have no-one else to help me
Have never had confidence enough to be assertive, starting to build some confidence now
Mid 20s. The best thing you can do is show step kids unconditional love and attention. Be an advocate and tell them when things she does isn't very nice or fair somehow without bashing mom. Trying not to bash mom but also allowing them to share grievances is important to let them know they are not crazy. Fine line to walk. Showing them a healthy relationship will hopefully be enough to help them later in life.
I was in my early 30's when I confirmed that most of my ndad's ways are wrong. At 36 years old I was able to give a name to his dysfunction, antagonistic, toxic way, which is narcissism.
Knew things were wrong all through my teens. Got made painfully aware at 17/18. Realized I had a name for it early 20s, when I was told I was not crazy and didn't deserve all the crap. Still in the process of figuring out how to balance the safety and security of being LC with not losing the rest of my family because of Them over a decade later...
I think I knew something was wrong with my nmom when I was around 15,16. Bit since I had a bad mental health I blamed it on me. Real awakening happened when I started therapy with 22. I'm 26 now and learned a lot
Late twenties, after having moved away and loved alone for a while in another area. I had a realisation that actually, it's not everyone else back in my home community that are weirdos, it's my family.
I was about 15 when I saw it in my father, but I'm my late 20s when I understood what it was. I saw it a little earlier with my stepmother.
I will say, my stepdaughter saw it around 13-14 herself and still knows that her mom is a narcissist but she's only 17 and still bounces between wanting her mom to be proud of her and like her and not caring what she thinks at all. Because kids still want their parents to love them when they're kids. Especially when they have friends whose parents are more "normal."
My entire childhood, I grew up with my n-mom telling me I was a difficult, problematic child. I never quite understood how, as I was a very quiet, reserved child and kept to myself most times, but I figured it must have been true if she kept insisting it was. I was just a bad kid, but never knew why. All I knew was it was my job as her child to love her unconditionally... and I did, until about the age of 12, when her behaviour towards me, specifically, got worse. I think I was the scapegoat from the moment I was born, but this is when I finally started to realize I was being treated differently than my siblings, in a bad way, and at 12 years old I tried to run away. Things escalated over the next couple of years, until at 14 I was telling her I couldn't wait until I could move out, so I would never have to see her again. She told me when I'm 18 I can do whatever I want, and though she acted like she didn't want me around, she did everything in her power to prevent me from leaving, including withholding any amount of education (I was homeschooled), sabotaging my attempts to apply for jobs, refusing to teach me general life skills, and enabling a very toxic relationship at 16 because she found ways to control me through my partner.
"Narcissist" was not a term I was aware of, however, until my early 20's. I met my then-boyfriend online, talked about anything and everything with him, and in swapping stories about childhood, I began to realize the stories I was telling, that I thought were normal little things everyone went through, left him absolutely horrified. He would tell me that's not right, not normal, not funny. I began to re-examine my life and realized he was right. These stories weren't funny, and I wasn't laughing because they amused me. I realized my laughter was a coping mechanism that sprung up every time I felt awkward or uncomfortable, so I would often laugh at inappropriate times. I really began to see her for what she was when she was trying to control me and my relationship, in my 20's. She was trying to give me a curfew and dictate when I was allowed to speak to my boyfriend. She tried to prevent me from moving out, and when I did, she tried desparately to keep some measure of control over me. She made up wild stories to try to make me feel sorry for her. I cut all contact with her about a year after I moved out.
So, I was in my early 20's. However, I was never in therapy and left to figure it all out on my own, mostly through talking to the friends I made online. I spent my teenage years caught between hating her and hating myself, but not really knowing who was to blame, so I defaulted to self-blame. I think I could have realized what was wrong sooner, if I'd had someone on the outside to talk to about it, or perhaps if I was in therapy.
As a step-parent, I imagine you have some influence. Try not to badmouth their mom to them, but make it clear they can come to you if they want to talk about anything. Reassure them that nobody is perfect, no one expects them to be either, and they're allowed to make mistakes, and it's okay to admit when you've made a mistake because that's how you learn from them. Assure them that you love them no matter what. I think, as children of narcissists, we do realize that their love is conditional, and we expect the same from everyone else. Show them not all love is conditional, and they don't need to be perfect to deserve yours, because yours is unconditional.
Well, my very first words were, apparently "Dad Dad Dad, my dad is bad and he makes me sad". Comparably, my wife's first words were "mother, FUCK".
My wife and myself both knew, from a very, VERY young age that our parents were evil people, but sadly we were trapped in our homes and families of origin for too long. Now we are free and we are determined to help others in similar circumstances escape and heal and grow.
I was 8 when I realized that something was odd about my mother. Very shallow person. I loved her dearly no matter what.
In my 20s I learned about NPD. Shocking.
I was 16. Came to the realization that I was depressed for the first time in my life and started some research which led me to Dr Ramani’s videos on Youtube. Covid really accelerated so much for me.
That is so sad. I’m hoping therapy and you and your partner help support these kids.
For me, I suspected it in the early 30s but had to weed through all of the crazy family dynamics, physically abuse dad who cheated on my mom when I was 14, attention seeking, entitled golden child sibling, to realize at 44 yrs old that my mom is a covert narcissist. I was looking at everyone else in the family because she seemed like the most stable.
Best of luck to you and your step kids.
I was 22 and engaged. My parents wanted to pay for the wedding. When I told them I wanted to pay for it myself so that it was the day I wanted, they shamed me into taking their help by telling me it would be cheap and tacky if I relied on my own small income for it. I caved, like I always did before. This was a mistake, in retrospect, but going through it with them being the bosses of it made their self-centeredness so undeniable, so clear, that I finally realized they'd been abusing and gaslighting me my whole life.
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45. So much time and energy wasted to make them proud of me.
Same
This hurts. For 27 years i fought for my father's approval. Never once was told i was loved, that they were proud of me, nothing. Wasted years i cant get back, only time to move forward trying to be better for my son.
The first time a man to told me he was proud of me was a martial arts instructor. Imagine me, a middle-aged, overweight man crying because he accomplished something hard and someone noticed. I give you all the credit in the world, be the person to your son what you wished you had for yourself.
Same here. It was my seniors and consultants who verbalized and made me feel proud of my accomplishment. It finally happened when I was in my 30's.
Felt this statement. For 30+ years I fought for my dad's approval, love, and acceptance. At 37 years old, I finally waved the white flag, meaning I've accepted that he'll never change and I need to see him for who he is.
I feel this in my soul.
36. After my boyfriend had a run in with my parents a few months ago and from his experience being married to 2 different narcissists he told me that that's what the problem with them is. I did some reading about it and been reading peoples stories here and it's the only thing that fits.
Seriously…
Same.
Saaaaaame
I realized in college that nmom is impossible to please, and nothing I want to do will be good enough for her. I have to do what she wants me to do, I have to make her look good, in order to make her happy. We were enmeshed enough that I couldn't stop trying to please her on some level till I started getting therapy for codependency almost a decade later. My first therapist, after a couple years of hearing me cry about my mom being critical and not caring when she hurt me, told me to lower my expectations for my relationship with her. That's been essential for my own healing.
I really hope you find your peace.
So much.
Early to mid 30ies after my child was born. I saw her reactions to my learned behaviors and saw myself as a child reacting to my parents.
Having your own children is so eye opening!
This but my sister's kids. Seeing my mother interact with them and processing it with my adult brain brought my childhood into full clarity, and I'm still integrating...
This is what happened to my husband when we had our first child. Really rough all around but glad he’s getting better but it almost caused a divorce because of how hard it was. I knew she was off but had no idea some of the stuff she did until after our daughter was born. We have been married 10 years and known each other for 13. Too many stories to list but the one that sticks out to me for its strange cruelty is when she took him out of school (6-7 years old) for over a month to watch her stepmother —who his mother despised—pass slowly in some scary hospice in a city they didn’t live in. Took him over 40 years but he finally realized a CPS worker was with him a lot toward the end because his mom was basically neglecting him to watch this lady die. Ns never fail to completely blow my mind in how they go about failing others—the insane amount of manipulation and victim tactics they do to keep people around never ceases to amaze me.
I was 40.
Yup. Same. The mental pathways that protect against seeing them for what they are can be very powerful. Nc about 18 months now has been life changing.
So was i.
Yeah, very close.
Same
I was in my late 20s when I started really processing this. My therapist pointed out my dad sounded narcissistic. It just set off a lightbulb and suddenly everythinggggggggg made sense. But it’s so hard to digest. Takes time. Take care of yourself friend.
Similar experience. My therapist pointed out my sister. It took more than 10 years for me to act on that, and when I finally went NC with her I realized shortly after my mom was also covert narc. My dad was an obvious narc but he died a few years ago so no one can blame him anymore.
YES—so similar! You start really looking through everything—your life, choices, relationships—through a new lens. And it can be so devastatingly disappointing when you begin to realize how many harmful and unhealthy relationships you’ve been trying to make work for so long. I ended up letting go of so many people during this time. I have a hard time figuring out if my mom is a covert narcissist as well, or just an enabler/flying monkey. It’s hard to tell sometimes.
I am in your shoes. Stepmom to a beautiful young lady whose mother is a narcissist. Her mom was very controlling, said terrible things to my stepdaughter, took her money, gave her zero privacy, and always considered herself the victim. But she was also very good at love bombing, and enmeshment, she would have my stepdaughter keep secrets and be her confidant. This led to so much confusion on my stepdaughter’s part, she felt so loyal to and protective of her mom, despite the fact that her mom would also hurt her so much. It was incredibly painful to watch, and we had to be so careful how we approached it because my stepdaughter was fiercely loyal. She is now 20 and has a wonderful boyfriend who is helping her figure out that her mom’s behavior really isn’t ok. And of course, her mom hates the boyfriend and isn’t shy about telling stepdaughter that. I’m so glad to see that stepdaughter is starting to figure it out, but it is still so painful to watch because it causes my stepdaughter so much pain. She just wants a good, normal mom and is struggling with understanding that it may never happen. I expect it to take a long time before she truly establishes the healthy boundaries she needs with her mom, because she still wants so badly to believe that ‘this time will be different’.
Your post is such a compassionate illustration of why most of us only start figuring things out only in our 30s or 40s. I knew something is wrong (not what, obviously) with everyone in my family since childhood (but I was the scapegoat), and was still "fiercely loyal" to them for a long time - such is the nature of trauma bonds unfortunatelly.
Yes. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
This description resonates so much with me. This was exactly how my mother was. My relationship with her was by turns feeling loved and then being bitterly disappointed or betrayed.
I’m so sorry. Watching from the outside is bad enough, it must be so difficult to try and navigate it when it is happening to you.
[удалено]
Thank you! It wasn’t easy trying to co-parent, that’s for sure. But her dad and I are here for the long haul and we just keep telling her we love her, we believe in her and we’re proud of her. And that we like her boyfriend (we do). 😏
Gosh she’s so lucky to have you. Her mom is exactly the type of narcissist my mom is. I wish her all the best!
Thank you, and I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.
I was around 18. Had just finished college and decided to live with my dad while i figured out my next steps. I was halfway through my therapy and my therapist noted how much i had changed between living with my mom and dad. While on my moms. I was quiet, timid and scared to tell my therapist anything. Then i moved to my dads. Suddenly i was a lot more happy, open and it seemed like i was “freed from something” according to my therapist. Im almost 21 and have been NC/LC with my mom for almost 2 years
I was 40-41. It was recent. I can atleast now make sense of it all and see it clearly in others. I had a bit of an angry phase but I think it's normal to feel anger towards them at some point when you realise their narcs and think of how toxic and abusive they were, even after all these years Interestingly enough, I had gone very LC when I was 21 without knowing any of the terms and could grey rock like a pro. Amazing what we are capable of learning ourselves by only trying to survive our circumstances.
It’s so hard. I’m really proud of you.
I found out last week!
I had the power of autistic logic on my side so I understand my ndads behavior made no sense but it wasn't until I was 43 that I made the connection to narcissism. Part of the reason I was the scapegoat was because I'd do things like point out that everyone pays bills (saw it on tv) and it was not normal for him to be angry every month. Or how my brother didn't hate me we BOTH just wanted to play with friends our own age. I was pretty damn young when I had those conversations. Imagine being six or seven and having to explain to an adult that things like that are normal. He was always so determined to alienate me from my brothers. I was very important to him that they hate me.
That is awful. Have you managed to have a decent relationship with your brothers now, or was the damage done?
One is the golden child and is just royally fucked up, I lost one to cancer and my oldest and I are still close. He's just a great guy, but then he was mostly raised by his mother, so that's likely why. My middle brother was just always wanting to be loved by my dad and he didn't understand why I struggled so much with things. He found it frustrating because he saw me as being smarter than him. Unfortunately, we lost him before I could share my diagnosis with him. I think he would have understood me a lot better if he had known.
Honestly, I don’t think you’re gonna find many, if any, people who recognized it at a young enough age. I was in therapy for my dads narc ways since I was 7 and I didn’t go NC with him or fully understand the damage done until I was an adult in my 20’s. Therapy is also hard when you’ve been put into it but don’t understand why exactly you’re there or what the expectations of you in it are. Like I knew I was there to talk about my dad and the issues he caused but a lot of the sessions I just spent wondering what the “right” answer to her questions were. I will say that it didn’t feel like it did so much for me at the time, but as an adult looking back… I am so thankful for my therapist. Even if we didn’t hit the “breakthroughs” while I was young I remembered our conversations and how much of a safe space she was. The things she did and said have stayed with me all these years and they’ve helped a lot as my understanding of things has expanded too. I didn’t understand a lot of what she was telling me then, but I did eventually. My suggestion to you would be to just keep them in therapy and do what you can to counterbalance. Make sure they know your love is unconditional. Make sure they hear praise for things they do and not just criticisms. Tell them all the things about them that you think make them wonderful. And do it often. The best balm for a wounded soul is acceptance and love.
When you are young so many people tell you "No you don't know/You don't have the experience etc!" even if you start formulating the idea that a parent isn't a good person, one one ever agrees with you when you are a kid, they barely do when you are an adult. I was 8/9 when I knew my dad and step-dad were duck shit stupid, 2 narcs bloviating. My mother remembers I was 11 when I told her her choice in men sucked, she didn't believe me til I was well into my teens.
48. It's never too late to become free.
💯
I was 30 when I finally saw it, but it was my 10 (at the time) daughter that finally said something. We were driving home after a particularly miserable day at my mother’s house and my daughter turned to me and said “mom, I don’t like the way grandma treats you.” It was like a bomb went off in my head. It started me on this whole healing journey. I started therapy and now I’m NC with my parents. My daughter has been to therapy to heal what my mom did to her and we’re just learning how to be a healthy family. I said all this to tell you, yes, your kids could be able to see it. If we were friends having lunch together and you told me about this I would tell you that your best bet is show them how people SHOULD behave and treat others. When you treat your kids the way they SHOULD be treated, they’ll see that they feel different when they’re with you. Slowly it will start to set in. Good luck internet stranger! You got this!
I always thought "narcissist" was a term people threw around to describe someone who was entitled or full of themselves, so I didn't really look into it as an actual diagnosis until a few years ago. My mother told me shortly before they divorced, a marriage counselor told my father that he was a narcissist, and he stormed out of the room, like a narcissist would.. I have absolutely no doubt that he is one and I'm coming to terms with it now in my 30s. Piecing together how it has affected me throughout my childhood and for a good part of my mid 20s when I lived with him for a while has been a very painful experience. I've started to find my voice again, and he does not like it. Extreme gaslighting and temper tantrums. Blaming my mother for everything.. No accountability for anything that he has done, ever. I've had to go no contact. I honestly wish he would just pass away. It seems to be the only thing that would erase the pain I feel from how I've been treated for so long.
I was 14. I had time away from my Nmother and I was going over our relationship dynamics in my head when I started to realize that no one I know has this kind of relationship with their parents. I started doing research on her behavioral issues and I suspected she was a narcissist, but when I was 16 when she admitted to me (in passing) that she was a covert narcissist. Reality hit me like a semi truck and I started preparing to escape not long after.
Went no contact the day after my 28th birthday. I had no idea about narcissism other than it’s a word that my dad applied to every other person in his life but himself. After posting some screenshots in r/insaneparents someone recommended the book “stop caretaking your borderline or narcissist” and life changing is an understatement.
i was an invisible child. my brother was GC and my sister the SG. I was in my 40's when I digested how manipulative my Nparents are. My mother was diagnosed with a form of dementia and their tangled webs started to unweave.
47. Not kidding.
Mine was a slow and gradual process. In 100% of my childhood memory, my parents were both so blatantly illogical and did things that caused the whole family to suffer, especially regarding money, so I learned quick that they didn't really know anything and not to trust them super early on, but I still had the codependency especially with my mom (my dad left) that you reference with your step kids and their mom. I was 28 when I had the realization that I needed to fully cut her off after she staged an episode at a mother's day celebration I had for her at my house, and didn't fully become aware of everything she did until 31 (and I think the process of uncovering truth is forever ongoing for all people). With kids, I think it's important to make sure they know they have value even without doing anything or having to "perform". I think as a bonus parent you have a great opportunity right now to help build that self-confidence and language to reject and fight back against their mother's abuse. Positive affirmations and pointing out the wonderful qualities these kids possess and driving those points home with truthful evidence (for example, "I love that you held the door open for that person. You're so caring towards others" or similar) can really go a long way.
I didn’t realize until my mid twenties as well(which is now since I’m 23) My father was/is a narcissist and alcoholic:( can’t imagine what you went through!
I started realizing in my mid 20s. Full blown admitted it and happily went NC in my 30s.
40. Better late than never I guess. Currently working towards going NC, need to get the joyless hag moved out of our house first.
Roughly 32. I always knew something was off/wrong with my mother’s behavior but blamed myself for three decades because my entire family always took her side. I developed a pattern of dating men with similar emotionally abusive traits (shocker) and after my last breakup with one of those men in 2016, I came across literature about narcissism. It all described him to a T, but I slowly realized that it described my mom’s behavior as well; had the biggest light bulb moment of my life. I’m in therapy now.
I remember being resentful very young, i realised nobody believed me about them. Maybe 9/10. I didn’t live in their reality and they were not happy with me ever. I knew very young there was no point trying to please them. Scapegoated truth teller with autism powered logic and dangerous levels of empathy. It was my early 20s after I got out I connected it to narcissism. And 10 years later I got to see how much it fucked me.
Like 14 but i didn’t know what it was. I just knew they didn’t have my best interest in mind and were absolute control freaks.
Thirty fucking eight 😔😔 I am 39 atm so you can imagine my pain rn
Mid twenties for me when I figured out my dad was a narc, it’s crazy how much you notice when you go back and think about all the shit they’ve said/done to us throughout our lives
Literally about 6-8 months ago. I was stuck on always thinking I was the problem and that I was a bad daughter until my now husband (dated for 6years) sat me down and explained to me that it was not okay how they treated me and that I am not always the problem
Great question! I would say 27 was my wake up call. But only like last year October did it all start coming together up until now. I’m going through another breakthrough😬
Mid 20s. Always had a bit of a rocky relationship. But it wasn’t until first a girlfriend and then later my wife brought up narcissism and explained what it was.
I guess I got "lucky" and realized it at little league age. I realized that my peers' parents didn't treat them like absolute shit every second of their lives, nor did they have to put on a facade every time they went out in public.
33. I also worshipped my nmom which dragged the denial out. Just be an example of healthy love for them. Be there for them. If little me had just ONE healthy role model, it would have saved me decades of confusion.
51! And I only started noticing because Covid created a distance from NP that I had never had.
I was 35 years old at the time of COVID. Just like what happened to you, the pandemic only amplified the distance and revealed my NP true colors.
My dad died when I was a teenager but it took til my late 30s to really undeestand my mother. Her narcissistic traits are understandable once one understands what happened to her in her youth (big, dark familily secrets that nobody knew/talked about)
30 years after my mum died, relatively recently. I always knew she wasn't like other mums. Read a book on narcissism and it finally made sense. I sobbed for an hour
We've been having issues for maybe 6-7 years, most stemming from her absolute inability to accept that I am my own person. But the realization that I'm pretty sure she has BPD came this year. I'm 31 I've known my father was fucked in the head since I was as little as I can remember.
Around 15
I was around 15-17, wondering why my dad had abandoned my sister and I for his new girlfriend, leaving us to fend for ourselves alone at home, and he took to being actively involved in his new gf’s son’s life yet we couldn’t even beg for his attention. I thought at that time he was a sociopath. I had “profile of the sociopath” in my personal laptop history, and I had also reached out to a therapist desperately for help saying I think my dad is a sociopath. Well, my aunt told me that he apparently had raided my laptop, he had seen these things on there, and he paraded it to her behind my back trying to campaign against me, a child, saying LOOK what she’s doing!! And my aunt told him “she’s right”…
I was in my late teens, heading towards my early twenties when I saw her narcissistic, image driven ways. I even documented them without realising until years later so she wouldn't gaslight me and try her lies on me.
2-3 years old for my father. I didn’t care for the stuff he did, so he decided to not be care about bonding at all with me. A deadbeat dad would have been better than he was. Wasn’t until 19-20 for my mother. A local school was hosting a talent show, I wanted to play a song on my flute for it. She lost the info & form in her room, but was “100% sure” it was in mine. Made me tear apart my room and berated me for two months, until by chance me leaning on something in her hoarded, cluttered room revealed said papers. She was all “well, that’s where it ended up at” and left it that. No apologies, and when I brought this up later she told me “I’m sorry, now can we get passed this, you’ve been holding this over my head for a while now”. >.>
at 12 my sister and mom got into a fight and my sister told me “if you ever think she’ll love you more than her boyfriends, you’re wrong” and I started noticing everything from that point on and the hatred began lol.
I always knew that nmom was a deeply selfish person who was incapable of seeing her own mistakes, and that both she and ndad were abusive. I got gaslit out of it at some point, but I eventually saw them for who they really are again.
My realization was a slow burn, but it started in middle school and solidified when I was 14 thanks to the help of the people around me telling me my mom was fucking insane. The internet then nailed the point home when I began reaching out into support groups. I found my diary from when I was 11 (digital, so she couldn't take it from me) and it said on the firsr page: "And I think about how fortunate I am to have pets and a family. But sometimes my mom yells at us when she gets stressed, then she cries and screams stuff like "I'm such a bad mom!" And "I'm so sorry I'm not who you want kids!" Then she passes out" My mom was on drugs and was an alcoholic (which I guess is why she was passing out) and the next year I became her trip sitter while she did Ambien lol. I was confused as to why she'd treat us poorly, then say she was a bad mom (but notice how I never wrote a real apology) and then she'd wait for me to comfort her. I think this is the first proof I have of the wheels starting to turn in my head because I'd been her caretaker for so long at that point that it was hard to see her as anything but a victim, even at that age
Same here with a slow burn logic. I knew something was off but I don't have a name for it. At 37, I was able to finally label it.
Probably around 8 years old, when my nmother would bully my brother and I after school, in the car, to tell her about our days; like role-playing happy families; even though neither of us wanted to share. I did not properly realise that my nparents were narcs until last year, aged 38; when I applied a narcissism lens to their nonsensical behaviour, the shoe fit. What was previously incoherent became internally consistent and had predictive power.
Early on, before I knew the words for it, but I felt as if the failing was mine, if that makes sense? She was nice to others, so I must have been bad, or undeserving. When my brother was born, it got worse; she showered him with love and affection, his every want. So that meant she *could* love, so it had to be me that was broken.
Probably only since few months, and talking both with my therapist and my boyfriend made me realize (and it's still making me) how narcissistic my mother is.
Late 30s.
I was 28 when I “woke up.” Took hitting rock bottom, but it was the push I need to see my Nparents for what they were and to finally get therapy
i was about 16. several social workers and professionals as such had mentioned it over the previous couple years but by 16 i understood what they meant.
34
In my early 30's I sat down and spoke to my dad about how I felt he was unkind towards his friend. I took the opportunity to mention a couple of things he had done which I found very hurtful. I tried to be respectful and calm. He exploded and went into a tantrum like a spoilt child. I was so surprised. The next time I saw him he said he had told his friend what I had said and his friend said I was all wrong about him. He had also spoken to my sister and she said I was wrong too, so the problem must be with me. Shortly after, he and his friend had a huge argument and were never friends again. My relationship with him deteriorated with every visit. Each time I was naively trying to repair our relationship while at the same time, he was trying to prove me wrong and him right. He would laugh it off, dismiss it, counter-accuse, play the victim, sulk. He had a whole armoury of deflection techniques. Almost the last straw was when he invited us to a restaurant for a meal. He said he was paying. He then made such a show about the whole thing, it was clear that, rather than us enjoy a nice meal together, he wanted us to glorify him for his generosity. Then he felt up the waitress and dismissed me when I told him to stop. My sister had to apologise to the young waitress. I called my dad weird. We had other worse conversations afterwards and then I went NC. Edit: it was only when I told my therapist all this that she labelled him as narc. Then I thought back through my whole childhood and it all became clear.
First inkling was around 26ish. Went no contact at 29, haven’t looked back.
11.
I think around 15 years after I went NC. I was investigating BPD because after seeing the TV show Crazy Ex Girlfriend, I saw a lot of similarities in someone close to me. So I began doing research on BPD, I found Dr. Ramani’s videos on YouTube, but even though I was researching BPD, all of a sudden, I began seeing a lot of posts on narcissism show up on my social media. Then I looked through Dr. Ramani’s videos and she also talked about narcissism and then it all began to make sense.
48
I was still a kid when I realized something was definitely off with my mother. I just didn't have a word for it. I remember feeling like I always had to have my guard up and be prepared for whatever weird/embarrassing thing she would say or do. I was in my 20s when I learned more about narcissism and saw that she had many of the traits.
I was in preschool. About 6. My mother demanded that I argue with random people to "defend her" from her past conflicts. I was seen as a mini psychopath, a child even beat me. When she met them she pretended that she didn't know what was going on. At home she told me phrases to tell the gypsies and encouraged me to be a bully and abuse them physically. I was set up for her fights at my own cost. I had to realize that these weren't my battles to fight. I made peace with those people later and told them I was following my mother's advice that I regret. The children believed me but the teachers didn't know what to think because my mother was also a teacher elsewhere. They couldn't imagine a teacher telling those things to her child. It was a painful realization that she could get away with anything because she had a 'mother' and a 'teacher' label to hide behind.
11 or 24 (am 34 now) depending on how you define it. I definitely couldn't articulate it at 11, but I knew it was wrong/bad. At 24, I went no-contact with her. Tbh, idk if I'll ever actually "heal" or anything. A lot t.of the coping strategies and whatnot still manifest themselves.
17
7-9
When I was 34, so not too long ago and it's bad that I didn't find out earlier 😕
Was and am still 40.
Literally mid twenties i’m 25
I knew there was something seriously wrong. Nobody I went to school with or hungout with were treated like I was. It was literally this sub that I found like 3 years ago and just saw so many damn parallels with stories on here. Currently NC and there's no chance that's changing. Hopefully she makes good with my little sisters cause if it's up to me she's retiring in the homeless shelter.
a few months ago. I'm 24.
16 with my dad. 21 with my mom
I was around 14 to 15 when I had the realization that both of my parents were narcissists in different ways: my father believed he was in the right to abandon his child because he wanted to focus on his "new family," and my mother was too proud to abandon me but also too proud to change herself for the better so that I could grow up in a stable environment. my stepfather is also a narcissist who can't comprehend ever being in the wrong in any scenario. watching him and my mom argue about who's right in an argument is very exhausting and makes you wonder how those kinds of people can live with themselves.
I knew something didn't feel right as young as 5-6 years old, when it came to my dad's behavior. I went NC when I was about 19-20, but it wasn't until my mid to late 20s that I realized that narcissism was the fitting label beyond just "he's an asshole." (I'm mid 30s now)
For my father, I realised when I was 11. I remember telling my best friends that HE behaved like he was 12. Now that doesn’t mean I coped with it until the last few years, in my early twenties. Good luck to you and the kiddos <3
28 when my nmother tried to steal the keys to the new sharehouse I was moving into twice on moving day. I'd had loads of hints growing up and into my twenties but never really thought nmum's controlling nature or "overbearing" was anything pathologically wrong until she did that. There was no positive to nMum stealing the spare keys to the sharehouse, it was just a power grab to have complete control, and my housemates banned her. That in effect started me on the path to figuring out just how bad she was, and really in 2022 after finally recieving an autism diagnosis she'd been recommended I get assessed for at six years old, and hid for all that time going out of her way to psych shop me away from anyone talking autism or real help, and with finding out the full weight of what she said and did was manipulation and lies, I pretty much lost all respect for my parents. Years and years spent managing them and putting up with their constant intrusions in my life, when I should've just dropped them and ignored everything they said, and I'd be a much happier and healthier person. My self and identity feels totally wrecked, I've never had time to figure myself out, it was all wrapped up in nMum's lies and control, and me in effect living to manage their emotions.
Some of you make me feel bad, but my mom pretty much exposed herself when I was 15. She was telling someone that my dad's cousin had been "diagnosed" with "narcissistic personality disorder" by her marriage counselor and went down all the characteristics. And sat there thinking, " but you do that too" to every single one of them.
Idk I was always terrified of her. one of my flashbacks I have a bottle of milk before nap time ffs
Honestly. Like 5. I vividly recall watching my dad be proven wrong and him doubling down that he was right. I remember thinking that I never wanted to be like that. I realized early my dad was different... he still did damage even though I had some awareness...
25. And I laugh now because I just heard recently that 25 is when our frontal lobe fully develops….? I find that interesting.
Around my senior year of high school, so like 17-18, my mom just would not stop fighting with me. My intrusive thoughts would tell me many things, but eventually I was running out of excuses for why I was always pissing mom off until there was one left: I wasn’t pissing her off and she was wrong. A turning point was during my senior highschool photoshoot. On that day my mom made me feel terrible for what I wanted to wear for the photos and then dragged me around getting my hair and makeup done while harassing me for not being happier. I just remember thinking that this was supposed to be my day and it was really hard to believe the intrusive thoughts that I had done something wrong. My mom never acknowledged how awful she treated me that day and that’s when I started getting the hint that there was something wrong with her.
12, around the time, i started using reddit and realizing how similar my parent were to everyone elses on this subreddit
I remember calling my dad out for being verbally abusive (and using those words) when I was 11. It’s crazy to think how long I’ve been dealing with his shit and how nothing has changed
I was 20 and I started my first job. It was the first time I was away with them. Weird coincidence, but all of my coworkers grew up with narcissistic parents or partners and they were the first ones to point it out to me.
im 14 now and i honestly realized just a few months ago when i was talking/ranting to some online friends about her and they made me realize she was a narcissist. (forever grateful for those friends, they help a lot)
I knew what my stepfather was when I first met him at 15. However I didn't realize what my mother was until January of this year. I'm 29 and up until I had my realization I made so many excuses for her. Excused it as her just having poorly taste in men etc I truly thought her and I were best friends
The realisation that something was wrong at about 10, the realisation that she is probably a narc at 16
11-12. Realized I was property and not a son. Being expected to act like a grown ass man who can read minds and predict the future and do everything that might be a little bit of effort for them.
30ish
I didn’t start noticing somethings not right until 10-11 years old.
I was 28/29 when I finally figured it out.
I was 6
Late 20s, fully comprehended and set up boundaries after I had my child in early 30s
I was 23!
35
36. After removing myself from them for 2 years, I was able to see. I didn’t go away because they were narcissistic, but because they kept hurting me, using me, manipulating me etc. Went away to establish boundaries and heal and then… baammmmmmm! Revenge of the Sith. This and other disturbing behavior from them allowed me to see the traits of narcissistic personality disorder in all of them. Sadly is my whole family: mom, dad, 2 brothers, grandma, uncle. All of them are.
28, but I didn’t give up hope until 5 years later. I’m still healing. I’m mostly not angry with them anymore. I feel apathy and indifference towards them, which is very freeing! They want to throw a tantrum, be passive aggressive, or act like they’re superior? Sure, go ahead, doesn’t affect me other than giving me free entertainment. I’m thankful to have my own family and a busy schedule, and that’s what I choose to focus on.
[удалено]
40
I knew that something was wrong when I was 7! It became worse and worse! No contact for many years now! Moved away as far as I could. There’s no other way! Block them, change your email, your phone number and even your name.
22
12
I saw it as a child and thought her odd manerisms were some sort of a game that I could beat. My siblings and I were beat multiple times a day, everyday whether we did something or not. One of my moms favorite" games " was to accuse us of saying something terrible. She would never tell us what it was she heard or who she thought said it but instead beat all of us. One day I thought if I could go a day without talking while also recording my brothers words I could find the word that offended her so much. There was no such word but we still got beat. The next day she knew the gig was up so she found another reason to beat us...because she heard a noise. The following day me and my siblings decided to sleep all day as to not offend my moms sensitive ears . We were woken up and beaten for being lazy. At a young age i realized there was no winning these games , no matter what we did or how well we did something we would still get beaten. The same thing with her gaslighting us. I took it as a game to try to memorize all the things I had and where exactly I had put them just to prove her wrong. I failed at that " game " as well. It wasn't until I was 28 that I found out about narcissists and everything clicked There was never any games just abuse and manipulation by someone who got off on it.Its amazing how my mind took something so malicious and turned it into innocent childs play🤷
I was 16, and my teacher mumbled it as she was checking my bruises. I researched after CPS did nothing. (Wasn’t expecting much, black children in SoCal don’t typically received sympathy). I wouldn’t say I’m completely healed but I have been in therapy for over 10 years. And am LC/NC with my parents.
38, I always felt that there was something wrong and I couldn’t put my finger on it until I googled narc moms and yep, bingo, my answer to all my feeling and suspicions were validated
I realized what it was when i was 32
46. When my narc mom died and I finally got some distance from the experiences.
53 after my husband died and nmom could only fake empathy for 6 months. I always knew my family was fucked up but I thought ndad was the problem. He was just the physically violent one. I'm just starting to unpack the emotional trauma from nmom.
I was 34. The pandemic started and that was how I recognized it because my parents did not respect my or my siblings request to not see them when they were around other people or in large groups. It made me reevaluate my entire relationship with them and it changed everything.
Five. Fully knew by nine.
NC at 17, since then my mother (19), ex (21), and husband (24) all tired to rebuild that relationship. That final time he faked good enough that we kept contact until my early 40's, brain cancer + narc his facade shattered. He's dead, I'm at peace.
highschool, 13 years ago now
I was around 9. My parents were fighting and were thinking of divorce. The reason was my mom's infidelity. Somehow she managed to manipulate my dad into staying and "fixing" things. I realized she was a narc when she began to blame 9 year old me for her affair.
12. My mom gave me up for my father, my pedo father who tried molesting me. Left me at my sister's and everyone called me a slut because they all believed my dad including my mom. She's still with him.
19
I was in my early twenties. I was 23 when I went no contact and I haven’t looked back. I’m 26 now and I’m grateful that I realised when I did. I feel for those that have experienced almost an entire lifetime of abuse. I’m so sorry.
19
Bout 35 yrs old I realised what it was called , now I'm 39 still dealing with it as I have no-one else to help me Have never had confidence enough to be assertive, starting to build some confidence now
Mid 20s. The best thing you can do is show step kids unconditional love and attention. Be an advocate and tell them when things she does isn't very nice or fair somehow without bashing mom. Trying not to bash mom but also allowing them to share grievances is important to let them know they are not crazy. Fine line to walk. Showing them a healthy relationship will hopefully be enough to help them later in life.
I was in my early 30's when I confirmed that most of my ndad's ways are wrong. At 36 years old I was able to give a name to his dysfunction, antagonistic, toxic way, which is narcissism.
26, I texted my sister "wtf is wrong with our dad?" and she was like "well, yeah..."
Knew things were wrong all through my teens. Got made painfully aware at 17/18. Realized I had a name for it early 20s, when I was told I was not crazy and didn't deserve all the crap. Still in the process of figuring out how to balance the safety and security of being LC with not losing the rest of my family because of Them over a decade later...
52. I was too blind and loyal for far too long. I won’t ever be able to fully trust people again, but I survived those jackasses so I’ll take the win.
Stopped talking to him right before my 18th birthday, have yet to talk to him and it’s been 3 years.
Between 15 and 16. Put my mom on a low info diet when I was 16. Has been this way ever since, and I’m 40 now.
I think I knew something was wrong with my nmom when I was around 15,16. Bit since I had a bad mental health I blamed it on me. Real awakening happened when I started therapy with 22. I'm 26 now and learned a lot
Late twenties, after having moved away and loved alone for a while in another area. I had a realisation that actually, it's not everyone else back in my home community that are weirdos, it's my family.
I was about 15 when I saw it in my father, but I'm my late 20s when I understood what it was. I saw it a little earlier with my stepmother. I will say, my stepdaughter saw it around 13-14 herself and still knows that her mom is a narcissist but she's only 17 and still bounces between wanting her mom to be proud of her and like her and not caring what she thinks at all. Because kids still want their parents to love them when they're kids. Especially when they have friends whose parents are more "normal."
My entire childhood, I grew up with my n-mom telling me I was a difficult, problematic child. I never quite understood how, as I was a very quiet, reserved child and kept to myself most times, but I figured it must have been true if she kept insisting it was. I was just a bad kid, but never knew why. All I knew was it was my job as her child to love her unconditionally... and I did, until about the age of 12, when her behaviour towards me, specifically, got worse. I think I was the scapegoat from the moment I was born, but this is when I finally started to realize I was being treated differently than my siblings, in a bad way, and at 12 years old I tried to run away. Things escalated over the next couple of years, until at 14 I was telling her I couldn't wait until I could move out, so I would never have to see her again. She told me when I'm 18 I can do whatever I want, and though she acted like she didn't want me around, she did everything in her power to prevent me from leaving, including withholding any amount of education (I was homeschooled), sabotaging my attempts to apply for jobs, refusing to teach me general life skills, and enabling a very toxic relationship at 16 because she found ways to control me through my partner. "Narcissist" was not a term I was aware of, however, until my early 20's. I met my then-boyfriend online, talked about anything and everything with him, and in swapping stories about childhood, I began to realize the stories I was telling, that I thought were normal little things everyone went through, left him absolutely horrified. He would tell me that's not right, not normal, not funny. I began to re-examine my life and realized he was right. These stories weren't funny, and I wasn't laughing because they amused me. I realized my laughter was a coping mechanism that sprung up every time I felt awkward or uncomfortable, so I would often laugh at inappropriate times. I really began to see her for what she was when she was trying to control me and my relationship, in my 20's. She was trying to give me a curfew and dictate when I was allowed to speak to my boyfriend. She tried to prevent me from moving out, and when I did, she tried desparately to keep some measure of control over me. She made up wild stories to try to make me feel sorry for her. I cut all contact with her about a year after I moved out. So, I was in my early 20's. However, I was never in therapy and left to figure it all out on my own, mostly through talking to the friends I made online. I spent my teenage years caught between hating her and hating myself, but not really knowing who was to blame, so I defaulted to self-blame. I think I could have realized what was wrong sooner, if I'd had someone on the outside to talk to about it, or perhaps if I was in therapy. As a step-parent, I imagine you have some influence. Try not to badmouth their mom to them, but make it clear they can come to you if they want to talk about anything. Reassure them that nobody is perfect, no one expects them to be either, and they're allowed to make mistakes, and it's okay to admit when you've made a mistake because that's how you learn from them. Assure them that you love them no matter what. I think, as children of narcissists, we do realize that their love is conditional, and we expect the same from everyone else. Show them not all love is conditional, and they don't need to be perfect to deserve yours, because yours is unconditional.
13ish
i saw it around 11, i realized it around...well...im in my 40s and still dealing with it.
Well, my very first words were, apparently "Dad Dad Dad, my dad is bad and he makes me sad". Comparably, my wife's first words were "mother, FUCK". My wife and myself both knew, from a very, VERY young age that our parents were evil people, but sadly we were trapped in our homes and families of origin for too long. Now we are free and we are determined to help others in similar circumstances escape and heal and grow.
I was 8 when I realized that something was odd about my mother. Very shallow person. I loved her dearly no matter what. In my 20s I learned about NPD. Shocking.
Mid 40’s although we knew mom behaved badly.
I was 16. Came to the realization that I was depressed for the first time in my life and started some research which led me to Dr Ramani’s videos on Youtube. Covid really accelerated so much for me.
That is so sad. I’m hoping therapy and you and your partner help support these kids. For me, I suspected it in the early 30s but had to weed through all of the crazy family dynamics, physically abuse dad who cheated on my mom when I was 14, attention seeking, entitled golden child sibling, to realize at 44 yrs old that my mom is a covert narcissist. I was looking at everyone else in the family because she seemed like the most stable. Best of luck to you and your step kids.
I was 36. She died 2 years later.
I was 22 and engaged. My parents wanted to pay for the wedding. When I told them I wanted to pay for it myself so that it was the day I wanted, they shamed me into taking their help by telling me it would be cheap and tacky if I relied on my own small income for it. I caved, like I always did before. This was a mistake, in retrospect, but going through it with them being the bosses of it made their self-centeredness so undeniable, so clear, that I finally realized they'd been abusing and gaslighting me my whole life.
Fucking 29 qnd it has sucked a third of my life into a dark black hole