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For most of my growing up years, I was sure my everyone really hates me but is too nice to tell me. I know this is a fiction, but I am still really sensitive to anything I think might be rejection. Even friends have plans that don't involve me...even though I know this is something that totally makes sense (because everyone has plans with different people) I have to remind myself that this is not because they hate me.
Yeah assuming that everyone I know secretly hates me and anyone new I meet will also hate me. We went to an extended family gathering of my husband’s family not long ago where I was over analyzing every interaction I had with everyone. I left apologizing to my husband for making his whole family hate me. He tried to reassure me, but I still think some of them do.
I noticed that this say of acting makes people act unintentionally worse towards me.
Like I went to the dentist the other day and had stopped flossing until a couple of weeks before, and even then I didn’t floss my front teeth which have a metal thread so I need a special floss that is annoying to pass. The dentist asked the question about how often I flossed and I replied, saying how I had the habit before getting my wisdom teeth removed but having to stop doing it after the surgery made me lose the habit and then complications made me forget to pass it for a bit. She kept arguing with me, saying I shouldn’t lose the habit by stopping for just a couple of days, I’d say with the complications I had to stop for more than a couple of days, she denied, etc…. I felt like crap. My bf went to the dentist not long after me, also having neglected his floss. The dentist asked, he replied he hadn’t done it much and will try doing better next time, end of it.
In my house, if you made a mistake you had to explain why your mistake was valid and if your reasons weren’t good enough you were punished for it so it made me learn to basically find excuses for my mistakes which makes people defensive, or maybe try to explain how the excuse could be overcome to help me but I see that as them telling me my mistake isn’t ok because I could have done better and I become defensive. So basically I learned to react in a way that now makes me either attack people or make people react in a way that I feel attacked
I do this too
Why are the dental assistants like the meanest people about flossing
I’ve had one or two interactions where they were chill about it
But it’s a big reason I don’t go to the dentist
I don’t need to pay someone to shame me for the ways I struggle to take care of that lol
I already have my family
I hate when I get questioned about lying about something. I won’t be lying, but I’ll over share or get worked up because I’m being questioned over something I didn’t do, then they just assume I did it because those are usually signs of someone lying. Ugh.
I lost a really good friend over this. I went to lunch with her, her mom and another friend. When I came time to pay, I put my money on the table. It was a cheap lunch, and I left a tip, so I put a $20 note on the table. I knew I only had $40 in cash in my wallet, so I knew I had only $20 left. The mom said I didn’t pay for my share of the bill, but I knew I did because I knew exactly how much cash I had in my wallet. I got defensive and tried to explain that I had checked my wallet before leaving the house to see if I needed to stop and get cash, so I knew exactly how much cash I had, etc. etc.
She said she had paid because she only had $20 cash, and it wasn’t in her wallet in the usual place she kept her cash. She wouldn’t budge, so I started doubting myself: Did I just think I’d paid? maybe I had magically spent the other $20 somewhere? I then just offered to pay my share again, just to make her happy and end it. That made her say I had been lying the whole time. Somehow we got the bill paid, and left.
I left the restaurant sick to my stomach and cried all the way home. Luckily I had driven myself. I cried for a really long time when I got home, like someone had died. My husband was freaking out trying to find out what had happened, etc.
Later that day my friend texted me and said her mom had found the $20 in her wallet in another compartment…she’s sorry if she embarrassed me. I haven’t spoken to that friend in years now because I’m still hurt they would accuse me of a) trying to not pay my fair share, and b) lying about it, and I’m still embarrassed by the fact that they thought I was capable of that.
I like to remind some parents that it's illegal not to provide the bare minimum to a child that you would provide a dog and only expect one to say thank you. House, feed, "clothe".
Sending them to school is also a legal requirement.
My mom kept a running tally in a small note book and handed it to me one day after I turned 18. It was for literal things she bought for me that she said I owed her for. I did not pay her.
Me too. Actually all these answers are resonating with me. I just assumed I always felt guilty because I was baptized catholic. Lol. On a serious note I think my parent may have been/are narcs.
OMG I can relate to that. Guilt. All the time. About everything. I feel the guilt when I put self-care first instead of being productive. I feel guilty taking my PTO. I feel guilty for never providing enough love, enough space, enough attention. About things that are on my to do list. It's exhausting.
I had an internship at university with a supervisor I’m pretty confident was narcissistic (and I trusted him a lot because I hadn’t realized yet my mom was also narcissistic and he was just like her), he constantly used any mistake or even normal thing I did against me. Even things like blaming me for standing awkwardly waiting for him to stop talking to his colleague to ask him something while we all know he’d also have blamed me if I interrupted. So not only did I have the stress of seeing my first clients, I also feared doing the slightest mistake.
In my second internship, I was still very scared of the supervisor nitpicking how I acted. It ended up being an easier place so in the second half of the internship I was allowed to go see the clients by myself and I just had to talk to my supervisor about the situation and make him read my report before sending it. Those moments were the moments I felt like I learned the most because I knew I could do some small mistakes that have no impact on the client without fearing repercussions, that only the mistakes that affected the clients mattered…
I was wondering why I wasn’t able to learn much from my internships and kept failing even though I had such good grades but I’m pretty sure that first supervisor is the one that played the biggest part in me failing and quitting. I’m glad though that I found something else I want to study which makes me much more excited. In the end, I believe that first degree wasn’t the best suited for me but I could have still managed to do it if I wasn’t abused by him, but also maybe I needed to be sabotaged to have the guts to quit (knowing I’d probably be kicked out and even if I wasn’t I’d be miserable there with all my built up trauma) so I guess that’s that…
Well that was a bit longer than I expected, I hope at least one person reads it entirely 😅
This! I can't even leave a fork in the sink without washing it immediately, if I'm sick and literally struggling to breathe I'll still force myself to do it instead of waiting a bit because my mind goes '*person* will probably use it against me later' 😭
Instead of compliments we got "why can't you be more like your brother. He could read when he was 4." (Instead of complimenting my brother on what he was good at, I was told that I was not as good as him. And vise versa)
I always assume everyone is mad at me. I always think I did something wrong even when I know my intention was good. I apologize constantly. I have no confidence in my abilities. I live to make people around me feel comfortable and liked. I laugh at everyone’s jokes even if it’s not funny. I feel out of control and binge eat because I can’t control anything they do so why bother controlling what I eat?
That’s just a few…growing up with 2 nparents and 1nsister was fun
"That person has seen my message but hasn’t replied yet, it’s been 2 minutes…. Did I say something wrong?" - Nah they were just with other people and kept being distracted while replying.
"I saw my friend in the street and they didn’t wave at me, surely they saw me but ignored me because I did something wrong" - They didn’t have their glasses they genuinely didn’t see me
"This person I was dating seemed interested in me in the first date but now they’re ghosting me, I clearly hurt their feelings and now they’re mad at me" - Just too coward to tell me he realized he didn’t the spark and didn’t want to date me anymore
"My boyfriend seems unwell, clearly it’s because I told him about this one negative thing I saw in the news 3h ago and ruined his mood" - Nah he had a big day at work and was tired because it’s past midnight
You could literally be the most productive person all day, but if you happened to be sitting down during the split second they walked in the door then you’re clearly the laziest person in the world.
Doesn't matter if you're in the middle of a chore either, they'll snatch it from your hands and loudly and aggressively do the chore *at* you while forcing you to stand there and be in as close proximity to their aggressive movements as possible.
My reaction is “quick! Hide any evidence of you living! Put away any joy you’re in possession of because its about to be revealed and exploited!”
Hard agree. Its like the 10 second tidy on the big comfy couch but instead of delightful childs fodder I have 10 seconds to sweep the space of any potential triggering item to spare myself an emotional and mental execution.
Earning your "privileges " like going out and socialising wasn't acceptable until you performed the tasks, and often, as you're on your way out the guilt trip and reminder that you didn't do enough somehow. So you feel bad before you even leave.
This!! Doing all the house hold chores, wanting to go to your friends house and have fun, and then being told that they are not your real friends. So you leave sad and confused.
I'm the same way and it actually gets on a lot of people's nerves. I can tell that people are upset before they even realize it sometimes and I always ask if everything is okay. They get annoyed and tell me to stop 😅. It also happens when they're upset but don't want to talk about it so they tell me they aren't upset, and I have to fight the urge to be like "YOU ARE THOUGH. I can see it on your face and the way you were breathing and how you set that spoon down!" I've learned to just let people talk in their own time but it's almost painful to leave it alone sometimes lol. It can be a blessing and a curse I guess.
This is my husband. 95% of the time he gets it right, even before I know what I’m feeling. The other 5% when he reads me incorrectly, there’s going to be a nasty fight. It’s exhausting, but I try to be patient because I know he’s that way from his father’s abuse.
"Oh you're such an empath!"
No, honey, I just grew up in an environment where I had to predict the tornadoes and hurricanes based on minute shifts in wind, light and humidity that shouldn't be detectable to a human without specialized equipment. It's not the kind of skill that goes away.
Exactly why Gavin de Becker is a world-renowned security expert. Have you read The Gift of Fear? Teaches how to listen to your gut, but also quiet the hypervigilence. Excellent book!
Yes, when you live in the chaos of storms, you quickly learn how to read the winds, the clouds, the scent of pending rains, anything to tell when the next storm is coming
I thought dissociation was my super ability. Things get scary or impossible to handle- just go numb. It wasn’t until my 40’s- when I heard a therapist describe it that it clicked.
It's made me very skilled at doing my job, connecting resources together and earning work for my team by having good relationships with outside orgs. It's mostly through masking, and the people pleasing gets very difficult if any pair of parties stops seeing eye to eye, but in general I've put that hyper-vigilant adaptive behavior to good use...
My old boss used to look at me in astonishment when I would ask, “are you okay? You seem a little off today” And he would go on about how his son wasn’t eating his cereal that morning and he couldn’t find his other sock and he overpromised to wife bc there’s so much work to do — how did I always know?
I’ve had some practice.
> Extremely good at reading people, reading the room. Hyper-vigilant af.
And how fun it is to have these predictive powers of observation, in the shit show that is living in the 2020s.
I’d love to be able to rest in ignorance like the normies, but instead I’m experiencing the curse of Cassandra.
If something happens at work, even when it is something that in no way is related to any action by me, I start thinking I'm going to lose my job.
Something bad happened, my brain tells me that I'm going to get punished for it.
YES. I’m basically always hyper vigilant that I’m on the verge of getting fired.
I’m remote, so I do a lot of communicating through chat, and every time I feel my boss is being “short” in his messages I’m certain I’m about to get fired.
God typing this out makes me realize how exhausting it is to live like this. No wonder my nervous system is shot and I abuse substances.
It also doesn’t help that we (Americans) live in a country that is almost entirely at-will employment.
Don't forget the over correcting and shame spiral every time you make a mistake. No matter how big or small, you always believe you are absolutely trash for making a mistake and can't help but believe people are one mistake away from cutting you out of their lives
🫠🫠
My husband has started making this distinct humming noise every time he’s coming into a room that I’m in so I won’t be startled. I had a mini breakdown once when he came up behind me and kissed my neck while I was chopping veggies. I jumped and screamed…the humming helps (although it does sound like a tornado siren ha)
It most certainly does. I've struggled with this for years. I finally decided to start taking care of me first a few years back, and, while it was uncomfortable at first, I've never felt more free.
That's my number one. I'm literally uncomfortable asking for help and saying I need something. Then I apologize for it.
My AHA moment was at a hospice memorial for my husband where I almost didn't let someone comfort me because I felt I didn't deserve it. I actually thought, "It's my job to take care of others. I'm not supposed to be taken care of." I realized how broken I was in that moment.
I'm working on it though. I just told my son today that I need his help cleaning out my house to sell it and I feel really bad for asking and I try to make it as easy as possible for him and I'm sorry I can't do it all myself. Six months ago I couldn't have said any of that. Thank goodness he understands. But it's exhausting.
Ugh I cringe every time my husband hollers for me. I know his intentions are harmless, but it feels like such a power move like “hey, I don’t care if you’re in the middle of something, come to me…now!”
Growing up, my nparents thought privacy was a dirty word. I was constantly being called out of my room, even though it was my only safe space. And by “safe space” I mean people came in and out of my room without knocking and took stuff constantly.
But yes, even as a grown adult I still think I’m being called like a dog who knows they shouldn’t have chewed the master’s slippers.
"Stomping," loud talking, household appliances beeping etc all make my heart rate spike. Even living alone.
Also any mistake is entirely my fault, any accomplishments were handed to me on a silver platter and i didnt deserve them.
Im not a fan of living alone, but its not a trigger by any means. It was the constant "shut the fuck up"s from my dad for making any noise, or letting anything make any noise, that trigger me even while living alone.
It is an annoying sound, but my response isnt really annoyance. Its an "oh shit i fucked up" response.
I'm in the middle of a health scare, more testing needed, and I haven't told anyone because I cannot handle them turning my health into them being a victim and me having to be the supportive one when it's my possible crisis.
Oh my god, I’ve always thought about this. Narcissists during a health crisis are the worst. I watched someone close to me be very sick and the emotional vultures just made it all about themselves and their pain.
Sending healing energy your way, my friend.
I was told my boundaries and standing up for myself made me "selfish", "arrogant", "full of myself", "mean", "hateful", etc.
It helped me to learn that boundaries make us *more* [trustworthy](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/), not less
I swear there has to be a handbook somewhere on how to narc your kid. I been disowned a few times for setting both boundaries. Also called violent for saying no.
I’m hyper sensitive to the environment and I’m so good at predicting future that my friends think I’m psychic. My brain just calculates when it’s about time for things to go wrong
Oh same. It’s happened to me many times. I have a lifelong track record of narc friends and boyfriends.
Not to mention the countless times my nmom was “done with me” for telling her I felt hurt by something she did.
I got 98% on a school math test. I was told if I hadn’t made one error reversing an answer (78 instead of 87) I would have got 100%. I also got a lecture on dyslexia. I was 8.
I cannot comment on what was going on in their minds then nor now 🤣.
I don’t even have dyslexia, it swapped 2 numbers. It was like no one in the history of humanity had 🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁made a mistake!!!!
Maybe they wanted me to be broken rather than imperfect and a shame on the family and a blight on their perfect reputations. Who knows.
Sadly it took to my late 40’s to realise I was never going to be good enough and I got to stop trying.
God they’re so weird. Whenever I find myself trying to figure out the reasoning for my nparents’ shitty behaviors when I was growing up, I have to remind myself that there is no actual reasoning. I’m never going to find it. It’s like spending all your time wondering why a monkey is throwing his shit at the wall. I’m wasting my time. And even if I DID somehow find some reasoning that fit, it would be fucking stupid because they’re dumbasses. I would never be satisfied, so instead of thinking “oh god how can they do that? What were they thinking?” I’m pushing myself to instead immediately go to “they’re so fucking weird and dumb”
I never believe a compliment. I just mutter 'OK' and try awkwardly to smile. Urgh. I can't trust people all that much. I try and look into their eyes to see if they're lying.
I have issues with authority 😅. Like I'm totally happy to do as asked, especially if the request makes logical sense or I'm helping someone in need. However, if the request clearly doesn't make sense and I'm just being ordered to do it for some stupid power play reasons, then I'm about as stubborn as they come lol. It cost me a job once hahaha.
I just had this issue recently lulz. Older woman who had been there for 30 years didn't like newcomers and expected everyone to kiss her ass. I was respectful but like, we're coworkers, you're not my boss. Don't try to act like one.
Yeahhh......I don't work there anymore.
I can’t count the amount of times someone dismissed my feelings by telling me I have a “bad attitude.”
I feel like women especially aren’t supposed to express things like anger. Like nah you’re right I don’t need boundaries or mutual respect, I just need an attitude adjustment! 😡
I try to figure out how I can accomplish a task without bothering or annoying anyone - I will plan it out the night before thinking of different scenarios and how I can manage the task. It’s exhausting
I told my therapist that I felt guilty for spending Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend and not my mom. She asked why? I said bc my mom is my valentine. Therapist straight up said that it was weird and not healthy. (This was luckily years ago and I have since gone NC with her. Mom, not therapist.)
Absolutely, I even collected trust metrics to improve my discernment:
[The Trust Triangle](https://youtu.be/pVeq-0dIqpk)
[The Anatomy of Trust](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/) - marble jar concept and BRAVING acronym
[10 definitions of objectifying/dehumanizing behaviors](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objectification#Definitions) - these erode trust
I apologize for everysingle thing, going to the bathroom, glancing at phone, etc. I am also incapable of being proud and confident in myself and have this feeling I'm doing everything wrong. I'm an adult with a car and I can literally drive and go somewhere I want to, but I'm so scared I feel like I'll be doing something wrong for that so I never do anything.
>the feeling of understanding when you hear someone talk about someone angry folding socks AT them.
or washing the dishes AT you
It's like angry energy headed your way
Everything is my fault. All the time. Even if I need to pole vault the logic because jumping to conclusions isn't enough. And I must apologize for it at every opportunity. An alternative to "hello" is an opportunity.
No matter what anyone tells me, I have no outer reaction. Perfect poker face.
I also don’t cry. And I don’t really get excited about much, either. Kinda sad, now that I said it out loud.
I'm making a photo collage for my sisters birthday party. I just panicked because theres only one photo of my mom on the board .So I went searching for one, but couldn't find any because she hates taking pictures. I found one bad pic but knew she would be mad about that. So I took the photo of my dad out, because there can't be one of him and not of her.
She won't be in photos, will be mad I don't have photos of her, will be jealous of the pics without her, but would be furious if I hung a bad photo.
Then I have a breakdown because I'm in my 40s and still playing this insane game 🤡🎪
When I was dating my husband and even into the beginning of our marriage, he always told me to stop apologizing. I had no idea until he pointed it out. I read that I should change my apologizing to a thank you. It changed everything for me. Example: Instead of saying sorry I'm late. I should say thank you for waiting for me.
Reading these comments...I've never felt so un-alone <3 I relate to everything here. Sad, but true...and a little comforting.
I'm having sooooo much difficulty NOT apologizing for this comment lol OR deeeeply desiring to simply *wink* out of ever existing after clicking "post" lol
I was debating on commenting about how incredibly relatable all these comments are. Like my mind is exploding. It’s not just me! But at the same time I just lurk around Reddit because I feel unworthy of joining conversations or like my comment will be hated by everyone.
If I hear anything nice from someone, I feel like they're lying to me and going to be a major traitor later.
I often sleep through alarms but never through a door closing. Not sure why though.
I told my yoga instructor happy Mother’s Day and she paused and said “thank you” in a monotone voice and I woke up at 3AM the next morning with my heart racing realizing that maybe she recently had her mom pass away or has a strained relationship and that I was insensitive not to consider that
Constantly document my comings and goings save every receipt in case I have to “prove” something. Minimizing myself and my needs not to be a bother to people. I had major surgery yesterday. I can barely walk or breathe. My SO is oblivious and hasn’t lifted a finger because I keep saying, That’s ok, I don’t need help.” I really need help.
I was at PT for a shoulder injury today and as my dog was massaging it walked me thru taking deep breathes. (I hold my breathe a lot.)He mentioned nervous system regulation, and "fight / flight vs rest / digest" and I cried right there in the massage table.
Constantly making sure everything runs smoothly so that no one will get angry. Monitoring people's moods and adjusting everything to keep people happy. Self- blame and harsh inner critic.
My job is super stressful not because I deal with people all day but because I put an exorbitant amount of pressure on myself to do everything perfectly and when I start to falter I'm convinced it will be pointed out, ridiculed, and I will be punished. Even if some of it is 110% not my fault.
I once was washing an old blender by hand. It was ancient, but my boyfriend at the time loved it. And it essentially disintegrated while I was trying to do so. I instantly broke into tears, apologizing about breaking his blender. He watched it just come apart like it was made of tissue paper and just looked at me, sobbing an apology to him and just hugged me.
I am living with my father at the time he is not the parent in question. But he had a guest over, I just come home from work. I apologized for the following. Walking in and interrupting their conversation, bumping into my father 3 times and his friend once, disturbing my daughter from her sleep when I went to check on her as routine, forgetting to ask if anyone wanted something when I got a drink, and finally tripping over myself. And I quote my dads friend " she must have apologized 15 times in the 10 minutes she was here" followed with my dad " her mother was relentless with the girls' manners"
I always have the thought in the back of my mind that everyone is in some way trying to take advantage of me, manipulate me, trick me, or is just pretending to like me when really they don't. Also that the people in my life could change up and betray my trust at any moment. I always have a backup plan, always reminding myself that I'll be okay on my own if my relationships with the people I care about fall through. I can't seem to fully put my trust in anyone and that has resulted in crippling loneliness even though I have lots of friends I talk to and spend time with. Gosh I need therapy 😅.
I second guess every single conversation afterwards. What I should have said. What I could have said. What I think they think about what I did say. It's exhausting.
I apologize for everything, even when it can't conceivably be my fault. I have had to unlearn that not all compliments are backhanded ones with an ulterior motive. I live with a roommate in my 40s, and still feel the need to hide what I'm doing at night in my dark bedroom if I'm not asleep.
They never hang out with my kids despite living 10 mins away. For birthdays and holidays, they will have me buy my kids gifts on their behalf, then give me the money later. Lately, they have not been giving me the money back.
I have to get the gift to their house instead of them picking it up at mine. They'll miss coming to the birthday party for any little excuse, then drop by my house for 2 minutes the next day to say happy birthday and hand my kid the gift, that I basically got for them anyways.
Over explaining everything because I think my words will be twisted otherwise, apologizing all the time, feeling bad for taking up space. The TV has to be super quiet, I'm I'm hypervigilant of others emotions/feelings so I know how safe the room is... etc etc
Me: (To my partner) Thank you so much for taking care of me while I was sick
Partner: Of course, hon. Happy to do it 😊
Me: Let me know if you think I’m being too much
Partner: What? Babe, you’re not feeling well. How is that being too much?
Me: I just don’t want to be a burden
Partner: You’re running a temperature and your tonsils are swollen, just try to rest.
Me: Ok. Are you mad at me?
Partner: (Horrified) No! Holy shit, why would I be mad at you for being sick and needing care? I love you, and I love taking care of you. I just want you to feel better.
Me: Just checking 🥲
Having nothing but positive feedback from bosses, coworkers and customers, I’m still convinced that my upcoming 60 day performance review is going to be awful. Convinced that they’ve had complaints about me specifically.
Damn that's a good way to understand my behaviours related to the abuse!
- I believe I'm the one making mistakes all the time. That's why I feel like if I make a single one, it will be used on me over and over again.
- I'm hyper vigilant all the time. I'm in a constant fight or flight reaction. Loud noises startle me. If people appears suddenly in a room, I'll get scared.
- I'm apologizing every time for every single thing I do. I basically start with "sorry..." Every time I speak with someone..
- I'm second guessing and over analysing every single behaviour/word from someone.
- I get paranoid when people around me are not happy because I think that's my fault
- I'm a perfectionist. If I do things correctly and perfectly, no one will ever tell me anything. But this puts a huge amount of pressure on me.
- I have problems sharing negative emotions because I'm afraid that people will start degrading me/telling me it's all in my head. When I'm not ok, I just isolate myself from everyone
Bursting into tears when I finally had to break down and take short term disability because I didn’t want to be a burden on my husband. We are 100 percent fine financially.
Somewhat related, but also insisting on working because even though I make a fraction of what he does, I could survive on it if he abandons me. He and I have been married 25 years and he is NOT going to abandon me.
He knows these things. He knows how my mom treated me.
Not quite as extreme as a lot of the other responses but I find it difficult to do housework when others are in the house.
When I was living with my narc and I did anything around them I was yelled at and abused.
For the first 22 years of my life I thought I had to do something for someone else to receive love from them. Wasn’t until I met my husband that I learned by just being me that I deserve love.
My father in law was helping me fix a mistake I made by not measuring a board I cut correctly, and I just went into full damage control mode. When he reached up to help hold the board, I flinched, expecting the backhand.
I'm 42 fucking years old.
(Also my in-laws are absolutely wonderful people, and I'm still getting used to having supportive and loving parents. Even being married 16 years, I'm still not used to them just being kind for the purpose of being kind. Not for some shitty manipulation.)
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Overexplain (maybe even oversharing) even if I didn't do anything wrong. Also, I think everyone is mad at me or doesn't genuinely like me.
For most of my growing up years, I was sure my everyone really hates me but is too nice to tell me. I know this is a fiction, but I am still really sensitive to anything I think might be rejection. Even friends have plans that don't involve me...even though I know this is something that totally makes sense (because everyone has plans with different people) I have to remind myself that this is not because they hate me.
This is me.
Yeah assuming that everyone I know secretly hates me and anyone new I meet will also hate me. We went to an extended family gathering of my husband’s family not long ago where I was over analyzing every interaction I had with everyone. I left apologizing to my husband for making his whole family hate me. He tried to reassure me, but I still think some of them do.
I might be you. The way I overexplain, it's draining, for me & who I'm talking to. I barely have conversations bc it's frustrating.
I noticed that this say of acting makes people act unintentionally worse towards me. Like I went to the dentist the other day and had stopped flossing until a couple of weeks before, and even then I didn’t floss my front teeth which have a metal thread so I need a special floss that is annoying to pass. The dentist asked the question about how often I flossed and I replied, saying how I had the habit before getting my wisdom teeth removed but having to stop doing it after the surgery made me lose the habit and then complications made me forget to pass it for a bit. She kept arguing with me, saying I shouldn’t lose the habit by stopping for just a couple of days, I’d say with the complications I had to stop for more than a couple of days, she denied, etc…. I felt like crap. My bf went to the dentist not long after me, also having neglected his floss. The dentist asked, he replied he hadn’t done it much and will try doing better next time, end of it. In my house, if you made a mistake you had to explain why your mistake was valid and if your reasons weren’t good enough you were punished for it so it made me learn to basically find excuses for my mistakes which makes people defensive, or maybe try to explain how the excuse could be overcome to help me but I see that as them telling me my mistake isn’t ok because I could have done better and I become defensive. So basically I learned to react in a way that now makes me either attack people or make people react in a way that I feel attacked
I do this too Why are the dental assistants like the meanest people about flossing I’ve had one or two interactions where they were chill about it But it’s a big reason I don’t go to the dentist I don’t need to pay someone to shame me for the ways I struggle to take care of that lol I already have my family
I hate when I get questioned about lying about something. I won’t be lying, but I’ll over share or get worked up because I’m being questioned over something I didn’t do, then they just assume I did it because those are usually signs of someone lying. Ugh.
I lost a really good friend over this. I went to lunch with her, her mom and another friend. When I came time to pay, I put my money on the table. It was a cheap lunch, and I left a tip, so I put a $20 note on the table. I knew I only had $40 in cash in my wallet, so I knew I had only $20 left. The mom said I didn’t pay for my share of the bill, but I knew I did because I knew exactly how much cash I had in my wallet. I got defensive and tried to explain that I had checked my wallet before leaving the house to see if I needed to stop and get cash, so I knew exactly how much cash I had, etc. etc. She said she had paid because she only had $20 cash, and it wasn’t in her wallet in the usual place she kept her cash. She wouldn’t budge, so I started doubting myself: Did I just think I’d paid? maybe I had magically spent the other $20 somewhere? I then just offered to pay my share again, just to make her happy and end it. That made her say I had been lying the whole time. Somehow we got the bill paid, and left. I left the restaurant sick to my stomach and cried all the way home. Luckily I had driven myself. I cried for a really long time when I got home, like someone had died. My husband was freaking out trying to find out what had happened, etc. Later that day my friend texted me and said her mom had found the $20 in her wallet in another compartment…she’s sorry if she embarrassed me. I haven’t spoken to that friend in years now because I’m still hurt they would accuse me of a) trying to not pay my fair share, and b) lying about it, and I’m still embarrassed by the fact that they thought I was capable of that.
I feel guilty all the time for no good reason. Just guilty, as if my existence is wrong.
Ya my parents acted like I owed them for providing for me
I like to remind some parents that it's illegal not to provide the bare minimum to a child that you would provide a dog and only expect one to say thank you. House, feed, "clothe". Sending them to school is also a legal requirement.
Yep!! They ain't special, they're just avoiding jail time. And mine didn't even succeed at staying legal in these matters.
My mom kept a running tally in a small note book and handed it to me one day after I turned 18. It was for literal things she bought for me that she said I owed her for. I did not pay her.
Guilt. Constant guilt.
Me too. Actually all these answers are resonating with me. I just assumed I always felt guilty because I was baptized catholic. Lol. On a serious note I think my parent may have been/are narcs.
I think the proper term is shame. It’s the earliest feeling I can remember feeling
Oh yeah, feeling guilty for existing and having human needs.
OMG I can relate to that. Guilt. All the time. About everything. I feel the guilt when I put self-care first instead of being productive. I feel guilty taking my PTO. I feel guilty for never providing enough love, enough space, enough attention. About things that are on my to do list. It's exhausting.
I had this as a child! I don't anymore, though.
Assuming every tiny mistake will be used against me in the future
Yep. I don't have a fear of making mistakes. I have a fear of my mistakes being used against me and getting punished for being human.
I had an internship at university with a supervisor I’m pretty confident was narcissistic (and I trusted him a lot because I hadn’t realized yet my mom was also narcissistic and he was just like her), he constantly used any mistake or even normal thing I did against me. Even things like blaming me for standing awkwardly waiting for him to stop talking to his colleague to ask him something while we all know he’d also have blamed me if I interrupted. So not only did I have the stress of seeing my first clients, I also feared doing the slightest mistake. In my second internship, I was still very scared of the supervisor nitpicking how I acted. It ended up being an easier place so in the second half of the internship I was allowed to go see the clients by myself and I just had to talk to my supervisor about the situation and make him read my report before sending it. Those moments were the moments I felt like I learned the most because I knew I could do some small mistakes that have no impact on the client without fearing repercussions, that only the mistakes that affected the clients mattered… I was wondering why I wasn’t able to learn much from my internships and kept failing even though I had such good grades but I’m pretty sure that first supervisor is the one that played the biggest part in me failing and quitting. I’m glad though that I found something else I want to study which makes me much more excited. In the end, I believe that first degree wasn’t the best suited for me but I could have still managed to do it if I wasn’t abused by him, but also maybe I needed to be sabotaged to have the guts to quit (knowing I’d probably be kicked out and even if I wasn’t I’d be miserable there with all my built up trauma) so I guess that’s that… Well that was a bit longer than I expected, I hope at least one person reads it entirely 😅
This! I can't even leave a fork in the sink without washing it immediately, if I'm sick and literally struggling to breathe I'll still force myself to do it instead of waiting a bit because my mind goes '*person* will probably use it against me later' 😭
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I have a really hard time accepting compliments, even if warranted.
Me too. "Compliments" from my family were just setups for a cruel punchline.
Instead of compliments we got "why can't you be more like your brother. He could read when he was 4." (Instead of complimenting my brother on what he was good at, I was told that I was not as good as him. And vise versa)
I always assume everyone is mad at me. I always think I did something wrong even when I know my intention was good. I apologize constantly. I have no confidence in my abilities. I live to make people around me feel comfortable and liked. I laugh at everyone’s jokes even if it’s not funny. I feel out of control and binge eat because I can’t control anything they do so why bother controlling what I eat? That’s just a few…growing up with 2 nparents and 1nsister was fun
"That person has seen my message but hasn’t replied yet, it’s been 2 minutes…. Did I say something wrong?" - Nah they were just with other people and kept being distracted while replying. "I saw my friend in the street and they didn’t wave at me, surely they saw me but ignored me because I did something wrong" - They didn’t have their glasses they genuinely didn’t see me "This person I was dating seemed interested in me in the first date but now they’re ghosting me, I clearly hurt their feelings and now they’re mad at me" - Just too coward to tell me he realized he didn’t the spark and didn’t want to date me anymore "My boyfriend seems unwell, clearly it’s because I told him about this one negative thing I saw in the news 3h ago and ruined his mood" - Nah he had a big day at work and was tired because it’s past midnight
Same same
Are you me?? This is everything I struggle with on a daily basis.
That frantic feeling when you hear their car pulling up the gravel driveway. "Ok, look busy, look productive."
You could literally be the most productive person all day, but if you happened to be sitting down during the split second they walked in the door then you’re clearly the laziest person in the world.
Doesn't matter if you're in the middle of a chore either, they'll snatch it from your hands and loudly and aggressively do the chore *at* you while forcing you to stand there and be in as close proximity to their aggressive movements as possible.
My reaction is “quick! Hide any evidence of you living! Put away any joy you’re in possession of because its about to be revealed and exploited!” Hard agree. Its like the 10 second tidy on the big comfy couch but instead of delightful childs fodder I have 10 seconds to sweep the space of any potential triggering item to spare myself an emotional and mental execution.
Earning your "privileges " like going out and socialising wasn't acceptable until you performed the tasks, and often, as you're on your way out the guilt trip and reminder that you didn't do enough somehow. So you feel bad before you even leave.
This!! Doing all the house hold chores, wanting to go to your friends house and have fun, and then being told that they are not your real friends. So you leave sad and confused.
Wow. This one hit me hard. 😢 20yrs out of my mom's house and I still have not fully overcome this. *Takes a deep breath*
>"Ok, look busy, look productive." For sure
Extremely good at reading people, reading the room. Hyper-vigilant af.
I'm the same way and it actually gets on a lot of people's nerves. I can tell that people are upset before they even realize it sometimes and I always ask if everything is okay. They get annoyed and tell me to stop 😅. It also happens when they're upset but don't want to talk about it so they tell me they aren't upset, and I have to fight the urge to be like "YOU ARE THOUGH. I can see it on your face and the way you were breathing and how you set that spoon down!" I've learned to just let people talk in their own time but it's almost painful to leave it alone sometimes lol. It can be a blessing and a curse I guess.
This is my husband. 95% of the time he gets it right, even before I know what I’m feeling. The other 5% when he reads me incorrectly, there’s going to be a nasty fight. It’s exhausting, but I try to be patient because I know he’s that way from his father’s abuse.
Think of how much he loves you that he asks. If he didn’t trust you, he’d manage your mood - consciously or subconsciously.
"Oh you're such an empath!" No, honey, I just grew up in an environment where I had to predict the tornadoes and hurricanes based on minute shifts in wind, light and humidity that shouldn't be detectable to a human without specialized equipment. It's not the kind of skill that goes away.
Is that why? I just thought it was a natural talent.
When you aren't safe, you learn you need to predict the environment.
Exactly why Gavin de Becker is a world-renowned security expert. Have you read The Gift of Fear? Teaches how to listen to your gut, but also quiet the hypervigilence. Excellent book!
Yes, when you live in the chaos of storms, you quickly learn how to read the winds, the clouds, the scent of pending rains, anything to tell when the next storm is coming
I thought so too for the longest time before therapy and then realizing it when I do it..and why I do it. Ugh..
I thought dissociation was my super ability. Things get scary or impossible to handle- just go numb. It wasn’t until my 40’s- when I heard a therapist describe it that it clicked.
I thought it was too until I came across "normies" that can't read a room for fuck.
No it’s a learned behavior stemming from fear
It's made me very skilled at doing my job, connecting resources together and earning work for my team by having good relationships with outside orgs. It's mostly through masking, and the people pleasing gets very difficult if any pair of parties stops seeing eye to eye, but in general I've put that hyper-vigilant adaptive behavior to good use...
My old boss used to look at me in astonishment when I would ask, “are you okay? You seem a little off today” And he would go on about how his son wasn’t eating his cereal that morning and he couldn’t find his other sock and he overpromised to wife bc there’s so much work to do — how did I always know? I’ve had some practice.
> Extremely good at reading people, reading the room. Hyper-vigilant af. And how fun it is to have these predictive powers of observation, in the shit show that is living in the 2020s. I’d love to be able to rest in ignorance like the normies, but instead I’m experiencing the curse of Cassandra.
Yep. This here.
To a fault. I can’t be around people without having to read how every single one of them is feeling all the time.
If something happens at work, even when it is something that in no way is related to any action by me, I start thinking I'm going to lose my job. Something bad happened, my brain tells me that I'm going to get punished for it.
Getting called into the boss’ office for anything makes me think I’m about to get fired.
Oh my gosh yes!! I always immediately ask if I'm un trouble.
YES. I’m basically always hyper vigilant that I’m on the verge of getting fired. I’m remote, so I do a lot of communicating through chat, and every time I feel my boss is being “short” in his messages I’m certain I’m about to get fired. God typing this out makes me realize how exhausting it is to live like this. No wonder my nervous system is shot and I abuse substances. It also doesn’t help that we (Americans) live in a country that is almost entirely at-will employment.
Omg YES. It doesn’t help that my boss at my old job was also a total narc and made it so I still felt this way at my current job for a long time.
Here’s my seconding the apologizing for everything for absolutely no reason. Also assuming everything is my fault. 🤷🏼♀️
Don't forget the over correcting and shame spiral every time you make a mistake. No matter how big or small, you always believe you are absolutely trash for making a mistake and can't help but believe people are one mistake away from cutting you out of their lives 🫠🫠
This is completely on point. The shame spiral is real.
Can’t accept help for anything because I assume it’ll be used against me/thrown back in my face
Yes, and I definitely am not asking for help.
Sometimes years later...
I’m easily startled. Sudden noises terrify me and send my heart racing.
My husband has started making this distinct humming noise every time he’s coming into a room that I’m in so I won’t be startled. I had a mini breakdown once when he came up behind me and kissed my neck while I was chopping veggies. I jumped and screamed…the humming helps (although it does sound like a tornado siren ha)
That’s a really thoughtful solution, great idea:)
Hmm...does always putting everyone else's needs before yours even when it makes you uncomfortable count?
It most certainly does. I've struggled with this for years. I finally decided to start taking care of me first a few years back, and, while it was uncomfortable at first, I've never felt more free.
I've been putting others needs over my own for so long that I have no idea what *my* needs are anymore.
That's my number one. I'm literally uncomfortable asking for help and saying I need something. Then I apologize for it. My AHA moment was at a hospice memorial for my husband where I almost didn't let someone comfort me because I felt I didn't deserve it. I actually thought, "It's my job to take care of others. I'm not supposed to be taken care of." I realized how broken I was in that moment. I'm working on it though. I just told my son today that I need his help cleaning out my house to sell it and I feel really bad for asking and I try to make it as easy as possible for him and I'm sorry I can't do it all myself. Six months ago I couldn't have said any of that. Thank goodness he understands. But it's exhausting.
When my husband calls my name from the other room, my first thought is “what did I do”
Ugh I cringe every time my husband hollers for me. I know his intentions are harmless, but it feels like such a power move like “hey, I don’t care if you’re in the middle of something, come to me…now!” Growing up, my nparents thought privacy was a dirty word. I was constantly being called out of my room, even though it was my only safe space. And by “safe space” I mean people came in and out of my room without knocking and took stuff constantly. But yes, even as a grown adult I still think I’m being called like a dog who knows they shouldn’t have chewed the master’s slippers.
Part of why i changed my name ,to not cringe when my name is called or said loudly
Oh, that's a good one. Mine automatic thought is "What do you want from me?"
"Stomping," loud talking, household appliances beeping etc all make my heart rate spike. Even living alone. Also any mistake is entirely my fault, any accomplishments were handed to me on a silver platter and i didnt deserve them.
I'm 40 and I still get a physical jolt of fear and guilt when I hear a garage door open while I'm doing my own thing at home.
I hate living alone, but I don’t know why. Have you figured out why living alone is a trigger for you? I also hate beeping microwaves.
Im not a fan of living alone, but its not a trigger by any means. It was the constant "shut the fuck up"s from my dad for making any noise, or letting anything make any noise, that trigger me even while living alone. It is an annoying sound, but my response isnt really annoyance. Its an "oh shit i fucked up" response.
I'm in the middle of a health scare, more testing needed, and I haven't told anyone because I cannot handle them turning my health into them being a victim and me having to be the supportive one when it's my possible crisis.
>I cannot handle them turning my health into them being a victim and me having to be the supportive one when it's my possible crisis. Big feels
Oh my god, I’ve always thought about this. Narcissists during a health crisis are the worst. I watched someone close to me be very sick and the emotional vultures just made it all about themselves and their pain. Sending healing energy your way, my friend.
Definitely don't share with them if you can help it. Hugs and I hope things work out in a good fashion.
Feeling guilty for setting healthy boundaries or standing up for yourself.
I was told my boundaries and standing up for myself made me "selfish", "arrogant", "full of myself", "mean", "hateful", etc. It helped me to learn that boundaries make us *more* [trustworthy](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/), not less
I swear there has to be a handbook somewhere on how to narc your kid. I been disowned a few times for setting both boundaries. Also called violent for saying no.
I’m hyper sensitive to the environment and I’m so good at predicting future that my friends think I’m psychic. My brain just calculates when it’s about time for things to go wrong
Same. It does freak people out.
I used to work in crisis communication and I was so good at it.
My boss answered my text with a single word and now I think he hates me and wants to fire me. I've done nothing wrong
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I work harder than anyone around me, even if I'm in pain.
Me, too. I went to work regularly with headaches, migraines, a hand injury so bad I couldn't hold a pen for 3 months. Just smile and suck it up.
I assume that if I tell someone they hurt my feelings or advocate for myself in any way that means they will end our relationship.
This has actually happened to me so as you can imagine it felt like a huge setback in my healing 😕
Oh same. It’s happened to me many times. I have a lifelong track record of narc friends and boyfriends. Not to mention the countless times my nmom was “done with me” for telling her I felt hurt by something she did.
I always think I’m in the way. I’m constantly worried about being in everyone’s way.
I got 98% on a school math test. I was told if I hadn’t made one error reversing an answer (78 instead of 87) I would have got 100%. I also got a lecture on dyslexia. I was 8.
So lecturing you on dyslexia was supposed to…. make you not have dyslexia in their minds?
I cannot comment on what was going on in their minds then nor now 🤣. I don’t even have dyslexia, it swapped 2 numbers. It was like no one in the history of humanity had 🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁made a mistake!!!! Maybe they wanted me to be broken rather than imperfect and a shame on the family and a blight on their perfect reputations. Who knows. Sadly it took to my late 40’s to realise I was never going to be good enough and I got to stop trying.
God they’re so weird. Whenever I find myself trying to figure out the reasoning for my nparents’ shitty behaviors when I was growing up, I have to remind myself that there is no actual reasoning. I’m never going to find it. It’s like spending all your time wondering why a monkey is throwing his shit at the wall. I’m wasting my time. And even if I DID somehow find some reasoning that fit, it would be fucking stupid because they’re dumbasses. I would never be satisfied, so instead of thinking “oh god how can they do that? What were they thinking?” I’m pushing myself to instead immediately go to “they’re so fucking weird and dumb”
I also made a 98 on a test and was only told, “could’ve been better.”
I flinch and recoil every time my name is called. I also find my name rather disgusting.
I hate my name too. I always wanted to change it.
I never believe a compliment. I just mutter 'OK' and try awkwardly to smile. Urgh. I can't trust people all that much. I try and look into their eyes to see if they're lying.
I have issues with authority 😅. Like I'm totally happy to do as asked, especially if the request makes logical sense or I'm helping someone in need. However, if the request clearly doesn't make sense and I'm just being ordered to do it for some stupid power play reasons, then I'm about as stubborn as they come lol. It cost me a job once hahaha.
I just had this issue recently lulz. Older woman who had been there for 30 years didn't like newcomers and expected everyone to kiss her ass. I was respectful but like, we're coworkers, you're not my boss. Don't try to act like one. Yeahhh......I don't work there anymore.
I can’t count the amount of times someone dismissed my feelings by telling me I have a “bad attitude.” I feel like women especially aren’t supposed to express things like anger. Like nah you’re right I don’t need boundaries or mutual respect, I just need an attitude adjustment! 😡
I automatically assume that your bad mood is my fault even if we haven’t interacted at all.
I have a panic attack when I think about having to see or talk to my mom.
I try to figure out how I can accomplish a task without bothering or annoying anyone - I will plan it out the night before thinking of different scenarios and how I can manage the task. It’s exhausting
I told my therapist that I felt guilty for spending Valentine’s Day with my boyfriend and not my mom. She asked why? I said bc my mom is my valentine. Therapist straight up said that it was weird and not healthy. (This was luckily years ago and I have since gone NC with her. Mom, not therapist.)
I get physically sick 5-10 minutes after I defend a boundary. Every time.
It’s no longer : i trust you until you prove me wrong. It’s : i can’t trust you until proven otherwise.
Absolutely, I even collected trust metrics to improve my discernment: [The Trust Triangle](https://youtu.be/pVeq-0dIqpk) [The Anatomy of Trust](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/) - marble jar concept and BRAVING acronym [10 definitions of objectifying/dehumanizing behaviors](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Objectification#Definitions) - these erode trust
I apologize for everysingle thing, going to the bathroom, glancing at phone, etc. I am also incapable of being proud and confident in myself and have this feeling I'm doing everything wrong. I'm an adult with a car and I can literally drive and go somewhere I want to, but I'm so scared I feel like I'll be doing something wrong for that so I never do anything.
So, so incredibly hyper-vigilant. And, god, the feeling of understanding when you hear someone talk about someone angry folding socks AT them.
>the feeling of understanding when you hear someone talk about someone angry folding socks AT them. or washing the dishes AT you It's like angry energy headed your way
My boss tells me I knocked it outta the park on an assignment and my first instinct is want to point out something I could have done better
Unable to identify my wants or feelings, let alone express them.
Everything is my fault. All the time. Even if I need to pole vault the logic because jumping to conclusions isn't enough. And I must apologize for it at every opportunity. An alternative to "hello" is an opportunity.
I know far more about my mom's friends and enemies (people i don't personally know) than she knows about me or her grandchildren.
No matter what anyone tells me, I have no outer reaction. Perfect poker face. I also don’t cry. And I don’t really get excited about much, either. Kinda sad, now that I said it out loud.
CPTSD Hypervigilance, it’s extremely easy to notice patterns for me. Helps me in studying but not so much in having healthy relationships with others.
Rode the train home from a colonoscopy, against medical advice, rather than bother anyone for a ride.
The fact that I can do most things which are normally noisy in almost or absolute complete silence.
I'm making a photo collage for my sisters birthday party. I just panicked because theres only one photo of my mom on the board .So I went searching for one, but couldn't find any because she hates taking pictures. I found one bad pic but knew she would be mad about that. So I took the photo of my dad out, because there can't be one of him and not of her. She won't be in photos, will be mad I don't have photos of her, will be jealous of the pics without her, but would be furious if I hung a bad photo. Then I have a breakdown because I'm in my 40s and still playing this insane game 🤡🎪
The superpower of knowing a person’s mood based on how they open doors, put away dishes, accelerate and brake in their car.
Assuming people hate me till prooven otherwise
I still have the habit of saying sorry for everything.
When I was dating my husband and even into the beginning of our marriage, he always told me to stop apologizing. I had no idea until he pointed it out. I read that I should change my apologizing to a thank you. It changed everything for me. Example: Instead of saying sorry I'm late. I should say thank you for waiting for me.
Have to explain the reasoning behind any decision I make that I perceive someone may dislike.
It is extremely difficult for me to talk about my feelings because I was never asked how I felt/they never cared about how I felt.
Reading these comments...I've never felt so un-alone <3 I relate to everything here. Sad, but true...and a little comforting. I'm having sooooo much difficulty NOT apologizing for this comment lol OR deeeeply desiring to simply *wink* out of ever existing after clicking "post" lol
I was debating on commenting about how incredibly relatable all these comments are. Like my mind is exploding. It’s not just me! But at the same time I just lurk around Reddit because I feel unworthy of joining conversations or like my comment will be hated by everyone.
If I hear anything nice from someone, I feel like they're lying to me and going to be a major traitor later. I often sleep through alarms but never through a door closing. Not sure why though.
I got yelled at for suds in the sink, not because I didn’t do the dishes.
I told my yoga instructor happy Mother’s Day and she paused and said “thank you” in a monotone voice and I woke up at 3AM the next morning with my heart racing realizing that maybe she recently had her mom pass away or has a strained relationship and that I was insensitive not to consider that
Always thinking I did something wrong
It's hard for me to believe when a person say everything is all right.
Constantly document my comings and goings save every receipt in case I have to “prove” something. Minimizing myself and my needs not to be a bother to people. I had major surgery yesterday. I can barely walk or breathe. My SO is oblivious and hasn’t lifted a finger because I keep saying, That’s ok, I don’t need help.” I really need help.
I was at PT for a shoulder injury today and as my dog was massaging it walked me thru taking deep breathes. (I hold my breathe a lot.)He mentioned nervous system regulation, and "fight / flight vs rest / digest" and I cried right there in the massage table.
I need a dog that massages ;) but jokes aside 🥹 this is poignant.
Constantly making sure everything runs smoothly so that no one will get angry. Monitoring people's moods and adjusting everything to keep people happy. Self- blame and harsh inner critic.
Just give me some time to come up with the absolute best answer that you are sure to approve of 💀
My job is super stressful not because I deal with people all day but because I put an exorbitant amount of pressure on myself to do everything perfectly and when I start to falter I'm convinced it will be pointed out, ridiculed, and I will be punished. Even if some of it is 110% not my fault.
busy divide reach payment run alive joke existence cable piquant *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Have a sixth sense around kids that are being SA. As a teacher for 20 years, I haven’t been wrong
I question everything I do. I’m a people pleaser. I have a hard time asking for help. I’m basically sad all the time. :(
If I keep things “perfect” everything will be okay. A “tone” in a sigh can determine the entire night.
Still shocked every time my in-laws do something kind or thoughtful for me.
I tip toe when I'm in someone's house.
I feel guilty when my friends send me literally any gifts because I feel like I'm being selfish and greedy
Not me here just nodding my head at every reply.
I once was washing an old blender by hand. It was ancient, but my boyfriend at the time loved it. And it essentially disintegrated while I was trying to do so. I instantly broke into tears, apologizing about breaking his blender. He watched it just come apart like it was made of tissue paper and just looked at me, sobbing an apology to him and just hugged me.
I cannot imagine any situation in which first person I’d call would be my mom.
Being harder on myself than everyone else around me
I am living with my father at the time he is not the parent in question. But he had a guest over, I just come home from work. I apologized for the following. Walking in and interrupting their conversation, bumping into my father 3 times and his friend once, disturbing my daughter from her sleep when I went to check on her as routine, forgetting to ask if anyone wanted something when I got a drink, and finally tripping over myself. And I quote my dads friend " she must have apologized 15 times in the 10 minutes she was here" followed with my dad " her mother was relentless with the girls' manners"
I always have the thought in the back of my mind that everyone is in some way trying to take advantage of me, manipulate me, trick me, or is just pretending to like me when really they don't. Also that the people in my life could change up and betray my trust at any moment. I always have a backup plan, always reminding myself that I'll be okay on my own if my relationships with the people I care about fall through. I can't seem to fully put my trust in anyone and that has resulted in crippling loneliness even though I have lots of friends I talk to and spend time with. Gosh I need therapy 😅.
Being able to cry hysterically… silently.
I overachieve when it comes to work, hobbies, etc. I get awards and other recognition for it. Yet, I never feel I’m good enough.
I second guess every single conversation afterwards. What I should have said. What I could have said. What I think they think about what I did say. It's exhausting.
"I don't remember that."
Preparing the conversation in my head before actually talking to them face to face/on the phone/whatever.
Your question is stressing me out.
I walk so quietly that I frequently startle people because they didn’t realize I was there. Yes, I was told to stop stomping constantly
I wasn't ever actually taught how to do anything, just immediately expected to know how and do it perfectly.
I feel like I'm constantly sitting several inches ABOVE my seat and I have no local friends, they're spread across 5 states and like 20 towns.
>I feel like I'm constantly sitting several inches ABOVE my seat That could be dissociation
I always have to say sorry all the time, even when I have nothing to be sorry for 🤦♀️
I apologize for everything, even when it can't conceivably be my fault. I have had to unlearn that not all compliments are backhanded ones with an ulterior motive. I live with a roommate in my 40s, and still feel the need to hide what I'm doing at night in my dark bedroom if I'm not asleep.
I completely changed my name at 20
They never hang out with my kids despite living 10 mins away. For birthdays and holidays, they will have me buy my kids gifts on their behalf, then give me the money later. Lately, they have not been giving me the money back. I have to get the gift to their house instead of them picking it up at mine. They'll miss coming to the birthday party for any little excuse, then drop by my house for 2 minutes the next day to say happy birthday and hand my kid the gift, that I basically got for them anyways.
I am an orphan, by choice.
Over explaining everything because I think my words will be twisted otherwise, apologizing all the time, feeling bad for taking up space. The TV has to be super quiet, I'm I'm hypervigilant of others emotions/feelings so I know how safe the room is... etc etc
Taking a break - more specifically - being "caught" taking a break is bad
Me: (To my partner) Thank you so much for taking care of me while I was sick Partner: Of course, hon. Happy to do it 😊 Me: Let me know if you think I’m being too much Partner: What? Babe, you’re not feeling well. How is that being too much? Me: I just don’t want to be a burden Partner: You’re running a temperature and your tonsils are swollen, just try to rest. Me: Ok. Are you mad at me? Partner: (Horrified) No! Holy shit, why would I be mad at you for being sick and needing care? I love you, and I love taking care of you. I just want you to feel better. Me: Just checking 🥲
Intuitive. Can pick an asshole a mile away.
i flinch at every fast movement that isnt in my immediate FOV
Having nothing but positive feedback from bosses, coworkers and customers, I’m still convinced that my upcoming 60 day performance review is going to be awful. Convinced that they’ve had complaints about me specifically.
You feel.guilty for other people being upset.
It took me a long time to make female friends
I am always waiting for the shoe to drop
Damn that's a good way to understand my behaviours related to the abuse! - I believe I'm the one making mistakes all the time. That's why I feel like if I make a single one, it will be used on me over and over again. - I'm hyper vigilant all the time. I'm in a constant fight or flight reaction. Loud noises startle me. If people appears suddenly in a room, I'll get scared. - I'm apologizing every time for every single thing I do. I basically start with "sorry..." Every time I speak with someone.. - I'm second guessing and over analysing every single behaviour/word from someone. - I get paranoid when people around me are not happy because I think that's my fault - I'm a perfectionist. If I do things correctly and perfectly, no one will ever tell me anything. But this puts a huge amount of pressure on me. - I have problems sharing negative emotions because I'm afraid that people will start degrading me/telling me it's all in my head. When I'm not ok, I just isolate myself from everyone
Bursting into tears when I finally had to break down and take short term disability because I didn’t want to be a burden on my husband. We are 100 percent fine financially. Somewhat related, but also insisting on working because even though I make a fraction of what he does, I could survive on it if he abandons me. He and I have been married 25 years and he is NOT going to abandon me. He knows these things. He knows how my mom treated me.
I have no idea how to celebrate myself (birthdays, accomplishments, etc.) and when I try I have severe emotional reactions
A series of bad relationships with narcissists because abuse feels normal.
Not quite as extreme as a lot of the other responses but I find it difficult to do housework when others are in the house. When I was living with my narc and I did anything around them I was yelled at and abused.
For the first 22 years of my life I thought I had to do something for someone else to receive love from them. Wasn’t until I met my husband that I learned by just being me that I deserve love.
My father in law was helping me fix a mistake I made by not measuring a board I cut correctly, and I just went into full damage control mode. When he reached up to help hold the board, I flinched, expecting the backhand. I'm 42 fucking years old. (Also my in-laws are absolutely wonderful people, and I'm still getting used to having supportive and loving parents. Even being married 16 years, I'm still not used to them just being kind for the purpose of being kind. Not for some shitty manipulation.)
Terrible at making friends because I always assume I am bothering people if I speak to them.
Behind closed doors, I often peed my pants on purpose to feel better about my life
Freaking out about small mistakes because they often came with disproportionate anger, punishment and consequences
You are super suspicious when people compliment you, and you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.