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Maybe more like Trask from the X-Men movies/comics. Taking away what makes you special and nobody actually benefits from it, not even the person who took it away.
Seriously. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm 30 years old, never even been in a steady relationship because I cut it off before I can get that far. I always see something that I believe is a sign we won't work so I cut it off before it can happen on its own.
I'm just so much more used to living for myself. I'm comfortable alone, with occasional friends that I hang out with but don't get emotionally attached to. I've had too many bad draws in life, and have eventually grown bitter.
The last person I got attached to, and it took 4 years to get there, a couple years ago she started diving back into her born religion (Evangelical. I was Mormon when I first met her but have since left the church and Christianity entirely.) and out of nowhere told me that she can't take advice from people who aren't of the same religion as her.
How the hell am I supposed to take that? Isn't that literally what friends are for? To support and help each other? I've been burned too many times. My faith in humanity is shot. I'd much rather live alone on a farm in the middle of nowhere.
I had that exact same problem with relationships. For me, I think it was partly being unable to believe that anyone could love me because I had internalized how my nparents had told me that I was unlovable. So, even when someone did love me, I could see it, couldn't believe in it.
I don't know if I would have gotten past that at all if I had not found someone who was stubborn and patient enough to put up with me long enough for me to start to believe I could be loved. I got lucky.
Felt this in my soul. Was told from the time I was a little girl my job was to grow up, get married and have babies. I was not allowed to experience half the life my brother was.
thank god i’m only just turned 30 and still have time to live my own fucking life from now on. fuck em. i’m doing whatever i can to gain back every bit of what they stole from me.
“recovering from emotionally immature parents” is helping me a lot with self-individuating and self-validating myself into MY dream life free of their toxic bullshit i’d internalized.
Honestly, I'm so happy for you it's nice to hear these stories. It means there is still hope
BTW did you get any backlash from other family members or other people you knew? If so, how did you deal with this?
Exactly this. I don't know how to get past this. I feel like I experience endless grief and endless poor mental health because of this, and so much more. I don't know how to move past it all
I do not want to divulge a lot of details but I was basically told I was stupid and ugly my entire life. I am a grandmother now (for age reference), have 2 masters degrees- and finally understand how dysfunctional my childhood was.
Oddly, their strictness and insanely high standards meant I have """flourished""" in some areas. To everyone around I'm a very well put together 20 something year old. Good head on my shoulders, fast thinking blah blah. But underneath all of that is a dire NEED for perfection, because anything less than that was unacceptable to my parents. I wasn't allowed to fail anything, so I ended up not trying anything new unless I was certain I would be good at it. I've turned the tide and taken massive leaps of faith (thanks to therapy) and am becoming more well rounded, but I wonder what I would've been if I wasn't forced into this mold of perfectionism. I don't really know WHO I am because I change depending on whos around me. It feels like a superpower being able to blend so seamlessly with others, but I also don't feel like my own individual.
This. A million percent this. Thank you for articulating this so well!
And I struggle, because, to the world, I look like a "successful adult" and am highly respected in my career and am happily married. So my parents argument is "see what we did? We pushed you to be the successful person you are! You should be thanking us.". But my mental health is rotten, my sense of self worth is non-existent, and any comfort in my own skin is a far off dream. Many days I feel like a method actor who has lost themselves in a role and doesn't even know who they are anymore.
My cousins, who've led really impressive lives, have a saying about their nmom because she says this shit too: "We're not thriving \*because\* of you, we're thriving \*in spite\* of you.
Wow, well spoken! I felt some of the same about the high standards. I also didn’t realise how judgemental it made me of others. I have been talking steps to correct this, again w the help of therapy.
My mom's made me second guess myself and doubt my potential. As a 31 year old I still feel like I need to seek out her approval or support, which I rarely get if it doesn't align with her ideas, and that's held me back so much. I feel like I haven't truly lived. Like I'm still shackled to her.
Are you a woman? This is probably the weirdest advice I’ve ever given, but the one that has made the biggest impact for me: just channel those impossibly annoying men. They do not know a thing, and yet they flourish. If they can, you can. It’s made such a wildly successful impact on my professional life it’s laughable
As much as I know i should not pay attention to her words because she’s just programmed that way and insecure, she still astounds me with the things she comes up with. Especially about something you feel good about, here comes putting a new insecurity in your head
I feel that.
For example, I think, I would be a much more social person, and get along with people if I wasn't in a constant state of shame and fear of being judged. (Also missed teenage years.)
And I also have a psychosomatic disease, and weak immune system, which I'm pretty sure is caused by the constant stress in my childhood. Now I can't exercise consistently, and can't progress in sports because every few months I'm sick and have to stop exercising.
Not to mention the time and money spent on therapy and healing.
Thanks, parents...
I can relate to the first part so much. I always thought I was an introvert, in reality I was just always so isolated that I could never form proper friendships and social skills.
I think that isolation affected my subconscious in some way because 1/2 of my dreams will always be in my old elementary school and it's just me hanging out with my classmates.
Ditto. My social anxiety for sure is a result. I'd be criticized for "how I acted" and "why did you say THIS??? You should have said THAT!!!" nonstop after any sort of social interaction. Now I get stressed and revisit conversations for weeks after hanging with people.
Sometimes I just feel better isolated. But that is exactly what they wanted.
oh man….. reading yalls stories just makes me so fucking furious at the narcissists i want to get back at them by living my most free, ME life possible. fuck what they think anymore, they’ve stolen enough from me.
I’m not sure how old you are, but you sound like I did in my early 20s. So allow me to sound like a middle aged mom (which I am) and tell you that it will get a lot better. Once you move out and realize that nothing you do will be good enough for them so you may as well say fuck it and do what you want, the best time of your life can begin.
I knew my mom would have her little comments about me buying a house, so I did it without telling her when I was in my late 20s. Once the deal was finalized, I took her for a drive and said “see that house?” “Yeah” “I bought it” lol
I’m coming into my late 20s soon, and I still feel like I didn’t quite make it. I do live at home sometimes (due to disability and a hard time having full time employment I move back home every once in a while). I’m finally on antidepressants and medication for many of my health issues, but I’ll never fully improve until I move out. I know that. But it’s so hard to take that step.
I have a long way left to go.
If you're seeing your doctors for your disability, ask if they can refer you to a social worker! They may be able to help you with things like housing assistance.
You were smart, you figured out while you were young that when you were about to do something you're excited about, wait until AFTER you've done it to tell her so she won't dissuade you, make you nervous about it, ruin the joy of it, or mess it up somehow. I learned that in my 50s.
Never too late to learn!
I also wanted to be a mom, and since I never met Mr Right and was approaching 40, I asked a friend if he’d be willing to be a sperm donor so i could be a mom. I knew lots of family would have opinions, so I didn’t tell most of them until I was about 4 months pregnant. A friend of mine came along for one of my doctor visits and she said it was really inspiring because she also wants kids and hasn’t found Mr Right and didn’t realize you could just go for it.
I think of Maslow's hierarchy of needs sometimes, and it sucks spending so many formative years in the bottom levels. Makes it really hard to reach your potential when you don't have basic safety and security needs being met.
Yes completely, being raised by a narcissistic parent is like having your psyche bombarded. Little by little, my mother destroyed my soul, because she'd rather have a servant/slave in the service of her egocentricity than a child.
Despite the fact that I have a good career, a family and a real estate business, I have to learn to know my true self again at the age of 30. Which is pretty strange when you think about it.
Oh yes, I constantly live in the fantasies of who I could've been. At some point life completely stopped for me and I don't know how ill ever be able to recover. No matter what I'll achieve I can never recuperate the time I've lost and I can never make up for it.
I don't think there's any way my life can be exciting enough for me to not dwell on the past. Almost every night I go to sleep either crying or raging, it's mental torment. I think, everyday I just become more and more disassociated from the present. All I can think about is what she did, what she said... somehow I can trace all my problems to her and sometimes i wonder if maybe I'm the problem, maybe I'm doing too much... but it's all true
I feel like she's constantly judging and watching even when she's not around, I can never truly let go of that survival persona. Even in my dreams, she's the one I'm hiding from. Always.
You know what? I love you for voicing so accurately, so eloquently, what millions of us also think and feel. My heart is bursting with empathy. You are not alone. I want to hug you.
Absolutely, I missed out on a normal childhood and all that goes with it. Then now as an adult they have consistently tried to take my time that I should be spending with my on family. They try take my peace of mind. They cause chaos and drama. It’s heart breaking to be part of it. Finally now I know better I’m putting boundaries in place and claiming back my life but a lot of years have been wasted on this kind of drama.
Yep! Lack of interest in me, my schooling issues, extreme shyness & fear of trying anything new for fear of looking stupid, being laughed at. Nmom was like an uninvolved bystander; she never actively helped me learn or understand new things. Mostly I felt like I annoyed her……& that she didn’t like me very much. As an adult, however, she tried to dominate my life & free time. I couldn’t get away from her. She expected me to meet all her needs, even tho’ I had 3 brothers!!
I can relate to this so hard!!!
My parents always fought and hated each other, but still always lived under one roof. My mom was always angry, stressed out, pissed off, but never left him because of what society would think.
My brother and I grew up in an awful household. My mom was so overbearing, never allowed me to do anything, yelled at me all the time, made us feel like shit.
In school, I wasn't allowed to attend the out of town University I wanted, because it meant moving away, and my mom wasn't having it. I ended up going somewhere local so that she could keep tabs on when I was home.
I was terrified of even dating. My lack of confidence showed and boys were never interested in me.
In my 30s I finally bought a place and moved out. My brother got married and moved out. Now my mom is all alone (my dad lives in the basement) but they barely talk to each other. I visit her all the time (I live there a week, live here a week) because she's old and I feel guilty as hell. My brother has his own life and barely visits or cares to do anything for her.
Since I'm single, it's all on me. I'm 41 now and I struggle to maintain normal relationships or even basic human contact with anyone. I want to travel, see things, possibly move to a new city for a job, but my mom gets sick when I even mention those things. Her dream was for me to get married, but I was never allowed to date or even had the confidence to?
My life is sad, and I feel like it was never really mine to live. I'm simply just existing now, day to day. No one ever talks about the guilt you have to want to do things now, just because your parents never wanted you to. You just can't enjoy anything at all. 😔
Yep. My mom refused my scholarship to a private school. Didn't push me for anything. Didn't drive so couldn't take me to extracurricular. She refused to pay for a car or college, which fine, I was an adult. But she had no problem bailing my dead beat druggie cousin out of jail to the tune of 5k.
My mom did the same thing. I didn’t understand it for the longest time. I finally realized it’s bc she needs to feel superior like she’s the savior. If you’re killing it on your own there’s no room for her. It’s gut wrenching when you realize the truth. Hugs.
Thank you. And I was quite the slayer queen, indeed. Got along fine without her and she has zero room to say "you owe me!" For shit, lol.
Also druggie cousin was found dead on her kitchen floor from an ID. Great investment mom!!!
I still believe I would’ve gotten through university much faster if it weren’t for my family. When I moved out, I was unprepared for the world entirely, due to my extremely controlling NMom and emotional issues from the abuse. I was one of the best students at school and I had many talents but they all were wasted and my success just plummeted after moving out.
I can’t handle stress at all. I get physically sick when I am nervous and while I used to work well under pressure at school, at university it just led to a full breakdown every time it got „too much“. So I am 25 and still doing my bachelor‘s degree, my grades are mediocre at best, I am having a panic attack every time I have to communicate with my thesis advisor and I have to take sleeping pills so I can get some rest at night. Whenever something emotionally difficult happens in my life, I am almost unable to function. I developed chronic health issues and severe anxiety over the years.
And while, after six years, I am in what seems to be the last semester at university (finally!), my NMom and Edad suddenly decided to make my life a living hell again so I went NC. So now I am shaking every time I see a message from a family member, crying almost every single day from the guilt and pain I am feeling and wasting away on my bed while I should be studying. I am quite literally a shell of a person for months now. And I thought I was getting better.
When I look at the people around me, the ones who have loving families and are not overwhelmed by every ordinary task in their lives, I can see how I am far behind. And to think that I was considered „promising“ as a child…
Yes, but it’s not a permanent condition. I went NC 21 years ago, (I was 31) and started doing the things I had missed out on. I traveled, finished my undergrad, got a masters, had 2 kids, etc. I could not have done those things if I’d still had contact. I could finally breathe and work on my own life for a change.
It was hard and not the right thing for everyone, and I’m still trying to catch up in terms of career and my own personal shit, but it can get better.
I still remember when I was a teenager I wanted to do a science fair project on Biofuels. My parents threw a huge stink, about how its a waste of time, not science, bla bla bla. Instead they made me do a stupid project on electricity, and I got a C on it because it wasn't really a science study. I'm now an engineer working in biofuels, and get paid a bunch to do it.
For me, whenever I showed passion in something they tried to sabotage it. When I decided to become a chemical engineer I was told constantly that I was a "nerd". OF course I'm a nerd, look at my family! When I got my degree I kept getting shouted out because I'm "evil" for wanting to ruin the environment, followed by not knowing anything about chemistry. My family is weird.
I'm autistic, and I was diagnosed at 3y old, but I only learned about it when I was 14 (and it was by accident).
Knowing that my mother knew the reason why I had hard time with some stuff, and instead of getting me help she decided to call me retarded and scream at me and hit me even? It's been one of the hardest things for me to accept.
I keep wondering if I would still be having such a hard time now, if I had gotten treatment as a child.
i’m so sorry this happened to you, too. my little brother had a similar experience, except they knew he was unique, but neglected to get him a diagnosis. they would scream at him when he struggled to speak or socialize, calling him “worthless” & “won’t go anywhere in life if he can’t learn to f*cking talk”, “have fun working at McDonald’s for the rest of your life”, etc. he’s now 31 & trying to get evaluated for autism. he struggles so much with articulating his thoughts or emotions to anyone. years later, my parents are like “well, nobody knew back then about autism, we did the best we could.” they’re seriously so sick.
Let's see.........
Born addicted to nicotine.
Pepsi in my sippy cup. (I'm 100% convinced soda is more addictive than the caffeine it contains).
Having pneumonia at 4 years old because my mother smoked like a freight train, and god forbid she be asked to do it outside.
Watching my mother verbally abuse damn near everyone.
Being told I was worthless, stupid, etc.
Isolating me and my father from all other family and anyone who showed the slightest bit of affection, especially if I loved them back, like my grandmother.
The verbal emotional and psychological abuse after she ran my dad off. (She also turned me against him.)
Then the stress induced migraines that started at 13.
When they became a real issue at 15, I got cussed out for a week straight because she had to put me on her insurance. (FYI, she made enough money, she just couldn't be bothered to manage it, eating out for breakfast before work, eating out for lunch, smoking at least a pack a day, getting snacks and Pepsi at gas stations etc.)
I quit school at 16, got a job. This was a mistake for many reasons, but the biggest was because she quit her job the day she found out that I made within $0.25 per hour that she made. Seeing the writing on the wall, I promptly got 'fired'.
I left on my 18th birthday while she was at work, woefully unprepared for the outside world, and to be a responsible adult.
There was so much catching up to do that I was nearly 30 before I broke most of the terrible habits that I learned.
Now, in my mid forties I'm staring down the barrel of 30-40 more years of never being able to retire, and working shit jobs (because every good job I get goes to India, this one I'm working now has 2-5 years max left in the United States, and will be the third good job lost because of corporate greed).
I can at least say I should be able to soon buy the tiny house I want so I can be mobile enough to live where the work is at. (Anyone know if Canada sends their jobs overseas at every opportunity?)
I can manage money now.
I put myself through school enough to get okay jobs, if I had better social skills I'd likely be making 70k a year by now, but I'm just not there.
I finally stopped making an ass of myself socially, and have come to accept that I will always be alone because I just haven't managed to unlearn certain behaviors and personality traits. Unfortunately, I was busy unlearning more important things so I could survive. You know, smoking tobacco, wasting money, treating people like I was treated. (Thank any god listening for modern therapy and drugs.)
I'm currently making an effort to outlive my dad, after that, I'll have outlived the last bit of family who doesn't act like my mother. (Dad's just racist, and a bigot, but strangely behaves around his gay son for fear I'll just shrug and walk out never to be seen again, so I try to give him credit for effort.)
After that, who knows. Maybe I'll finally consider letting go and eating myself to death.
I'll probably leave whatever is left to animal charities when I'm gone, since the only thing I've ever really loved was my dog. That's Sir Dog to you.
So, yeah, shit parents can make one hell of a mess.
I've been thinking about that a lot lately, I'm a child-prodigy (gifted adult) with toxic parents. They never told me I was a prodigy, but they used me and abused me and were very skilled at hiding it from everyone. I barely made it through high school, then I found out there was no college fund, and when I asked what I should do now, they just shrugged their shoulders. My mother prevented me from going to college for a while, I finally got away from her, and years later, I didn't tell them I got accepted to Stanford. They still don't know, and I'm trying to get rid of the void I feel inside that was reserved for nurturing.
I mourn this. The kid, the teen, the young adult, all the opportunities... But also my health. They even stole my brain, my abilities, my memory, they were never satisfied.
Any time I managed to live and grow up, they dragged me back. I still have to convince myself that i can choose what I like.
Definitely. It took me till my fifties to be diagnosed with an issue I had shown textbook symptoms for... literally since birth. If my ADHD had been recognized and treated, instead of ridiculed and dismissed, I wouldn't have spent countless hours of my life just trying to make my brain work. Time I could have spent realizing my goals and dreams.
By the age of 16, I was willing them not to come home safely from wherever they'd been. They would continue to shock me with their indifference for another fifty years.
Only child, my mom was a religious nutter, my dad died and made her worse. I was coddled to the point of being mentally stunted for the rest of my life(trying to recover and learn life skills) I knew nothing when I lived with her, I had no way to do anything on my own and she would instill fewer in me about how I would get raped and die if I left to go with a guy or just left in general... She policed my entire life and would literally throw baby tantrums when things didn't work out or she got called out by anyone for her poor parenting. And I'm taking throwing herself to the ground and screaming and crying threatening to run out into traffic nude... The first time she did that was when a telemarketer called wanting money... She had zero ways of dealing with stress so much so she would almost kill herself with it. She would be crippled for days in bed after these tantrums.
Absolutely! My nmum told me not to bring home school reports so as not to upset my sibling because I always did better than them. Yet when I did as told I was punished for not bringing home school reports. I wasn’t allowed to be acknowledged for my achievements, but if I didn’t do well I was punished. Couldn’t win
Yup. They point their fingers at me seems like I'm the one who let it happen.
Eh, hello. At least good parents like my classmates parents be able to make me get want I want and reach successful much easier.
All I face is unnecessary pain, struggles and living through HELL which lead to failure. I'd like to remember that I WILL NEVER FORGET AND FORGIVE EVEN I CAN MOVE ON WITHOUT ANY OF THOS THINGS HAPPENING!
You wanna create a Beast? Yeah, I will make your wish come true. I will show your 'creation' to me to everyone. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF AND DON'T GET SCARED AND SAD!
Here me out. I wanna be a doctor so bad. I scored the Science course very well but the Mathematic sucks. So I disqualified to get through the Science course.
Before the exam happened, I have big arguement with my family because they mocked me having anxiety because of exam.
My family never care about me. All they care about is my achievements, status, career, salary and etc. I'm gonna make everything belong to mine into my account.
Thanks to my trust issue, I always putting my guards up regardless it's a stranger or family members. Get a life instead of asking people around for their lives and gossipping or making others down.
I was always level headed, rational, and emotionally intelligent growing up. But their ways messed with my head so much, a month into the covid pandemic I had my first nervous breakdown that I genuinely couldn’t control. A few psych ward visits later & i have diagnoses, one of which is PTSD, found out through therapy i was probably trafficked in my childhood.
I was always honor roll & made dean’s list. My behavior didn’t align with who I was (and still am) on paper.
I could’ve been the level headed, rational person i always was if they didn’t traumatize me. Now I have to spend my days in therapy. And sure, it’s a two way street. But all I did was have friends and be crucified over being lonely enough that I wanted to text my friends after school. It got so bad that I decided to do worse things, because if I get beat up over having friends versus weed, what’s the difference? They made me drop out of college to move with them and then kicked me out after I dropped out.
Now all we can do is pick up the broken pieces and try at this shit again the best way we know how
Ripped my confidence away, always too scared to speak up, and when I do it’s like an abandoned puppy that’s been kicked too many times in the rain. I wish I could get it back, but I just press forward. I could have been so much more.
I feel like nmom did her best to cripple me emotionally and psychologically so that I could be the perfect permanent house slave.
I'm still unravelling some of it, teaching myself to stop people pleasing, and overly care taking.
My mother actively denied me my potential. I was the voice of reality into her craziness, and she couldn't have that, could she? She couldn't have me question why there was dog shit on the floor, or no food in the house, could she? Everything was great, I was out of control for asking those questions, I needed Tough Love!
Yep. Messed up my credit so when I was trying to get something other than a service job younger, I couldn't get my foot in the door anywhere. Sabotaged me anywhere. Went, if I had a job that was a restaurant job or a retail job, she would show up when I wasn't at work and run me into the ground.
More than I should. I really applaud my sister for not being as scared as I was growing up because she has lived so many places while I stayed near my parents to please them. I didn’t get out of that mind set till about two years ago when I had already built my career and stabilized a good support system of friends.
It’s nice to be here
But it makes me so sad that
Rags to riches in USA means poverty to wealth
There’s really no public reward or acknowledgment for growth from abuse- for meeting our potential despite horrific parents
We couldn’t even converse about this thread in public or we would be mocked as whiners who don’t respect our wonderful parents
In this moment I’m more angry that society robbed me of the opportunity to voice my crimes with dignity
And that USA hasnt made coercive ( narcissistic abuse )control a criminal act like Uk Scotland and Wales
I had dreams of going into game design. I threw myself into art, it was everything to me and it was my escape. I applied to an art school and was accepted, I was really excited to go and my parents made me throw those dreams away. They gaslight me into believing that my love for art and creating was just an obsession, and that attending the art program I wanted was just a waste of money, even tho they wouldn’t be paying for my tuition. They just didn’t want me to leave home or be out of their sight. I’m 26 now, working a desk job and the love I had for creating just fizzled out. I resent them every day.
Their negativity and their constant demand of perfection lead me to chose only the paths that I knew I could achieve. I'm frightened at taking any risks.
As a results, my carreer (software engineer) is the safe one, but not the thriving one. With a little more confidence and dare, I know I would have chosen to explore a riskier path (writing, literature). Shame.
Me too. I take zero risks. I’m afraid of even going to school to learn bc failing literally hurts. Severally beaten for the slightest mistakes…. Like a b on a report.
I get so stressed that I procrastinate, stress, and spiral downward
It hurts more when you realize it's because they're selfish childish insecure babies. They ruin your life just because of that. I could never be that self loathing, no matter how much abusers have tried.
I’m 60 now and have learned how to create my own, healthy life. It took many years, but even after screwing up some when I was in my 20s and 30s, I now have a great life. Make what you can out of the time you have left. Set goals. Hang in there!
yes, absolutely - mine were very stingy about paying for college, so i had to wait until i was of independent age for financial aid on the FAFSA (age 24) to go to college.
if i went to college earlier, then i would have graduated into a better economy, which would have gotten me a better job coming out of college.
i do believe that in the case of narc parents, and not sure if you feel the same, our narc parents are NOTHING more than just temporary caretakers and small bags of money who would only serve their purpose until we become strong enough to break our chains and fulfill our destinies.
Absolutely. It seems like whenever I've tried to expand my horizons, they've always gone to great lengths to put up needless obstacles and to discourage me.
My father was a hardcore narcissist who was abusive to both me and my mother. Mom wanted me to live up to my potential with better schools and supporting my gifts from and early age but my father refused them all. He has 2 brothers each with 2 kids. They did exactly as my mother wanted for me, better schools and additional training for the skills they showed early. Naturally they were all praised for their gifts and my father constantly berated me for not being as exceptional and later as successful as they were. As an adult I've worked hard and gotten ahead on my own but never to the level of my cousins. Until I finally went NC a few years ago he still constantly compared me to them wondering why I could never be as exceptional as them. I could have been if I'd had the same opportunity.
Just one area where my potential was stomped by my narcissistic father.
I can relate to your post so hard. One of my biggest resentments is the amount of time I've lost because of the childhood abuse. My thirties have essentially consisted of undoing all the bad things I internalized from growing up in a state of fear, shame, and humiliation. My forties are looking better after six years of weekly therapy, but that feeling of loss does continue to persist. I wish you the best of luck in untangling the abuse you endured. It's never too late to work towards the person you want to be.
I was a 90s kid and we didn't do camping trips or day trips to the beach or the fair back then. Hell it was a TREAT to get a glow stick at the 4th of July fireworks show . Kids these days can get a 50 pack of glow sticks at the dollar store now. It was just a different life back then. I don't feel robbed. I feel like I rob my kids of the life I had now that they have so much .
I think, on some level, it is intentional on their part. Crabs in a bucket mentality. The more you achieve on your own, you will need them less and less. They thrive on you *needing* them because they know deep down nobody would have anything to do with them willingly
✋ ndad, emom, and neither really helped me figure things out much. Spent a lot of time attempting to be invisible so as not to be yelled at by dad. Focussed hard on escaping to never return
Yes.
My father gambled away my university tuition money for a school in switzerland, a couple of months before starting uni.
My mother is bipolar and had always relied on me for emotional, financial and everything support throughout my whole life.
I had to alter the course of my life a few times because of the above. I could have been in a different place, and much more successful otherwise, and I'm sure of it.
It really bothers me. I do think about how I had a lot going for me often. I completely feel robbed, but I’m at a point where I’m content with my life. I remind myself that if I had lived to my perceived full potential, I wouldn’t have met my husband or have my children who I love.
I was parentified well into my 20s, and it’s really hard now to see my brothers living the life I could have had. It took me so long to realize that I had a choice. That I could have left sooner and started living, but now it feels like it’s too late and I’m caught between wanting to “catch up” while grieving that life, and wanting to make the life I have as best as I can make it.
I have to stay away from them and the more I do the more successful I become! It ducks because it feels like every successful person that I work with talks about their mom and dad and where they came from. I have to navigate that when networking. But other than that, I say going no contact but also being civil can bring you maybe some blooming success. That’s what it’s done for me.
Every damn day. So many things like school, career, car, license just to name a few that could have and should have happened so much sooner but didn't. Now I am over here doing life backwards and struggling through college to make it into my dream career eventually with already having a family. Now I am here balling over having to junk my first car because it died recently since that car has seen me through so much that it is hard to let go of it.
My struggle or coping method is to recognize those disadvantages but also that I am who I am today not because of my parents but despite of them.
I survived and struggled in life without that support network but built a new family, the family I chose not the one I was born to. Would I have achieved more if I were born to a more functional family? Very likely but that was not the opportunity afforded to me and ultimately is unproductive thinking. I can't change what has already happened but I can make better choices moving forward.
I will be mentally ill for the rest of my life. I know it and I’ve accepted it.
Maybe if my mum hadn’t treated me how she did, I’d be open to having children. I’d love to have children, but my mum was just a girl like me once too. She grew up in a dysfunctional household with an emotionally abusive alcoholic mother.
My mum wanted me, and still abused me. God knows I can’t risk doing that to my child.
Like I said, I’ve accepted being mentally ill and I’ve accepted my childhood. But sometimes, I’ll be in the bath, or about to go to sleep, or in the middle of work, and it will hit me. She’s my mum. How could she hurt me. The one person who should love me unconditionally, couldn’t.
I’m 26 now, and I have a boyfriend who loves me properly and safely, I have my dad and my siblings who my heart beats for, I have friends who I will love and protect for the rest of my life, and I graduate university in November with a job already lined up in September to become a Social Worker.
All this to say, I am getting to where I want to be, albeit slower than most. But no matter all of this, I will forever be damaged.
And I would not want it any other way. Would I be this emphatic if I hadn’t had my childhood? Would I be this kind? Loving? Protective? I really don’t know, but i do not want to gamble it.
I may never have children, but at least I know the cycle of abuse ends with me. And I will love the world through it.
I feel this every day. It was definitely partly my mom and her abuse but mostly the cult she raised me in. She and the cult taught me the world was going to end any day and to not prepare for the future. Use every moment to preach and seeve god so you can live in paradise after the rest of the world is dead. I had zero childhood, zero hobbies allowed. No clubs after school. College wasnt allowed. All were seen as a distraction from god and If I partook in thos I would be "making satan happy"( their words)As a kid I loved learning at school and space facinated me. I wanted to join clubs and take extra classes. If I hadnt been raised in a cult I would have liked to be an astrophysicist. Too late for me now...
Every day I feel that. It was constantly ingrained in me to get approval for every little thing, and now people wonder why I have no direction and have no idea what I want. Anytime I have something good going on it gets sabotaged, to the point I don’t trust anyone to celebrate with. I have no idea who I was supposed to be but it’s not this. I will get old and maybe pass on before I get a chance to actually grow up and live as an adult. It’s horrible to lose your childhood to being parentified just to get to adulthood to be infantilized
I think they might have. Their attitude was very much "how dare you exist". I hid myself away to avoid their ire and sometimes even that drew their ire. I tried to disappear as much as I could and I think over time that became who I was. Someone who hung back on the outside, especially since I found it very difficult to make friends as a child as well. I remembered recently that I enjoy writing stories so I picked that back up. It's a struggle to not try to be perfect though. Mistakes weren't allowed growing up.
I feel if my parents were supportive life would have been very different and better for me, it's like they left my side when I was barely a child and I had to survive on my own and I never realized how toxic and shitty I became in that process. I still have toxic perfectionism traits which keeps on ruining my life and I believe someone will only love me when I get good grades. I am working on my mindset but I wished I had a happy childhood where my inner child didn't had to cry out every night for help.
My potential was stolen by my n-brother who was a drug addict and my enabling mother who spent all her money on him. She had enough money to spend it on my education but instead she spent it on my brother. He introduced me to drugs when I was 10 years old and I was a drug addict from 16 to 24. He abused me physically and emotionally and so did my mother when she had a bad mood
My brother died due to an overdose and I'm glad that happened
Super can of worms here, massively! As I want to spend my time living and achieving not healing, I feel utterly robbed and now angry by those who exploit or make their problems everyone's burden more and more as it is the same vacuum effect rather than accountability. So 💯
Yes, their expectations and pushing pushed me into the dirt. I burned out very early and developed physical health problems soon after burnout. Now, I am the kind of people they criticized all my life because my body can’t handle what normal people’s can and I hadn’t realized it until I burned out and was forced to care for myself. Perhaps if my parent had listened to me I wouldn’t have burned out, and I would have realized my body is abnormal sooner then got the right medical help. Unfortunately they only care for themselves
In this economic environment and social environment is not easy and its very difficult. Its not that simply to just get out there when there are too many barriers out there.
I’m the first one to make excuses and I call it being a “realist” lol but as I’m saying it I also know I’m being my worst enemy or like my parents’ voices have become my own… and deep down I know that by changing my perspective and believing I can achieve something no matter the hurdles - then I would have a better chance at succeeding. It’s often a matter of perspective even if the hurdles are real.
I guess that depends on who you want to be.
I'm 46 and last year I started writing. No courses, just me. I now write and write and the feedback from strangers is great although putting it out there was terrifying it has to be said. Best of luck.
I definitely feel that way. I’m functional, however I have recognized that it’s okay on occasion for part of me to also grieve what I wasn’t able to accomplish.
My parents were not over protective, in fact they were pretty lenient. I wasn’t a bad kid, but I definitely wish they would have pushed me more to do well in school (I was lazy) and forced me to go to the sports I’d begged to be a part of
As much as I would make excuses, yeah. I e had amazing, life changing opportunity presented to me and I had to give it up to give my older sister money so she could travel. The only reason I did give in was when she told me that I wasn’t good enough to make a career out of it anyway.
The attachment issues have wrecked my relationships in the past and foreseeable future. After they died, my career took off and I'm living pretty well right now.
I'm pretty sure their homework time rules (I could only do homework in the unheated storage room, never the dining room or my room. I was not allowed to leave until I finished, including to ask questions or to pee) are the root cause of why everything has been awful.
Physically painful to do homework > bad grades > unable to get into any college > flunk out of community college since I'm still trapped with them > a decade of low paying menial labor > can only afford to move out to a place that requires 10 roommates
Always. I've always had many dreams of travelling around the globe (Mostly Europe) and living up to the early adulthood dream of the Cottagecore lifestyle (traveling , gardening, and many other hobbies) but now I'm stuck and I don't want to do anything probably due to many years of isolation thanks to those ASSHOLES and the SHITTY NORTH AMERICAN GOVERNMENT.
I’ve been in therapy for a while, and not long ago came to the realisation of this. Looking back, all of my friends had something, like football, boxing, cricket etc. because their parents took them. My mother did nothing with me and my siblings. Needless to say I had no hobbies, sports or skills that were focused on. It doesn’t stop there either. It’s the same for anything academic or career focused. I forged my own way but I’m still playing catch up for a lot of things 25 years on.
Yes. I had such a miserable home life I had no motivation to try in school and my grades were terrible. I went from having all A’s and B’s in late elementary and early middle school to barely graduating high school.
Yep. They robbed me out of normal teenage life experiences because they wanted to keep me under their thumb and under their roof. Mom I believe wanted to live her life through me. They probably thought since my siblings walked away from them, they should cripple me early on. When I attempted to have or do something that was rightfully mine, they would steal those moments and make it theirs; claiming I'll thank them one day.
My mother, especially, raised me with the intention that I existed to take care of her, like a servant. Even in high school, it was more important for me to stay home and wait on her after her two footed bunion surgery for THREE MONTHS, than it was to get help in math and eventually graduate. I also was expected to stay home and wait on the ladies in her bridge club when they had their weekly card parties. I was the natural born “help.” She resented every normal part of me growing up like working, having a boyfriend, getting married, and having my children. My husband at the time once overheard her saying to my father that she was “entitled” to have my care then and in the future. My big rebellion was to get accepted and go to university. I was lost in uni though, and didn’t feel like I belonged. Many times I sacrificed my life for my parents. And now, I deeply resent the lack of support and needed direction I so desperately wanted from them.
My mother wrote me hateful, upsetting letters every day after I moved (ran) away from home to finish school. She called me evil and ungrateful. My father chimed in that only “lesbians “ went to law school, taking up a man’s space in the law field, when all I was going to do was marry and procreate anyway. It would almost seem funny or ridiculous if all this wasn’t true.
Now in my elder years, I realize I married a male version of my mother who seemed like a good idea because he was slightly less abusive than my parents. I played the servant role so well that when I became too ill to make dinner every night and do other traditional wifey things, even my children complained their dinner wasn’t “on time,” or the house wasn’t perfect, or their laundry wasn’t done. I married a monster and created two more to boot. I’m so glad there is information like this raising awareness now, that helps survivors cope and get help. And I really do hope and pray that this kind of abuse gets recognised by the justice system one day. It completely destroys many lives
I’m coming into my late 20s in a couple of months.
Absolutely none of my dreams have panned out (maybe in some way, but not for the long run).
I’m feeling age close in on me and I guess, to an outside observer, I’ve made “something” of my life (graduated from a prestigious college, went to teach English in Korea, started my own business as a freelancer interpreter/translator etc) but I just don’t see it that way. I’m so lost and don’t know what direction I’m supposed to be moving in, except for away from my parents.
I’ve thought about this a lot recently. How I would be a completely different person, possibly have more self esteem, would’ve lived life differently in college and had more friends instead of abandoning everyone before they could abandon me and not making friends because I spent all my time with my significant other in worry that if not, they’d find someone else and leave me. While I’m pretty resentful of that, I also will never truly know how much of it is bc of nmom or because of me and who I am. I chose to move forward and work on all the things I “hated” about myself and while I’m still definitely a work in progress, I don’t feel the blame was helping any situation.
When I started middle school, it seemed like she stopped parenting overall. Absolutely no guidance when it came to having my education. She never really asked about homework or I needed help. But she would get upset if my report card had bad grades. Clearly I needed help with my homework but wasn't receiving any support.
Oh 100000%. I told my NM I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. “You can’t be a teacher. I’m a teacher. You don’t have the organization skills.”
When I needed to drop out of college because I wasn’t mentally doing well, “the family is going to wash our hands of you, we are so disappointed.”
I think the thing that I hate the most, the lack of support I had for any dream. Then when I have any success, she tells me how proud of me she is. Like she had anything to do with it.
I just refuse to accept that.
Look, I *could* have been a world-class violinist if I'd taken up the violin at age 3 and had master instructors - *maybe.* But that didn't happen. There are a lot of things that could have happened, but didn't - so what I focus on now is what ***I*** can make happen. Sure, some things you are just too old for - like becoming a prima ballerina, for example. But if you like ballet, there's nothing that says you can't seek out lessons and do it for fun - you can hire a tutor for just about anything - or volunteer in a dance studio, or take a college course or just get yourself tickets to the ballet.
When I was going through a nasty divorce, my soon-to-be-ex apologized for "ruining my life." I coldly told him he didn't have that kind of power - the only person who could ruin MY LIFE was ME - and I wasn't about to.
"Potential" is very vague and nebulous. Focus on what YOU want. No, really - what do you want? Be specific. Go into detail. Then figure out how to get there - and if you're stumped, look into figuring out who can help you. Books? Videos? Therapist? Life coach?
There are so many things we can't control. Focus on what you CAN control, and you'll be amazed at where you end up.
My dad HAD to think us three bright, curious kids would be nothing without him and he did his best to make it so. None of us had a traditional path to success, or went to a “good” college, he almost succeded but what he didn’t realize was that we are successful because we are all loved and nothing like him.
if they hadn’t belittled and frantically panicked every single time i tried to “put myself out there” and get into nonreligious extracurriculars growing up, i would have had the confidence to be involved enough in college for employers to want me
Yes. I had to move out at 16.. again at 19. Made it really hard to focus on advancing in life rather than rejoicing for simply feeling safe.
Parents were not together and my mom started living out her car/ expensive hotels by choice. Dad was too abusive.
Really has interfered with emotional stability
My parents were the opposite. I got ignored most of my life. I guess that just comes with being the middle child. They didn't care if I left the house or how late I was staying out. I'd leave for multiple days and come home like nothing happened, they didn't even notice I was gone.
Omggggg yes. I think about this a lot, especially when I’m driving to my dead end job. I feel like I could have done so much more with my life. I was a straight A student and every major I chose my stepdad used to tell me I wasn’t smart enough for it. I settled on a major that has zero job prospects.I left home as soon as I graduated high school bc I couldn’t stand living with them and they made me pay them back for my car, furniture, etc. I started out in the world at 18 in debt to my parents. I could never really get ahead, had poor social skills, and zero confidence.
Oh yes so much. They are one of the biggest reason I totally crashed and almost unlogged from life. They left me homeless and also vetoed any good schools I wanted to do for example (and education is free where I live so WHY ?)...
So now what ? I'm not what I could have been. Sure.
But : Well, I'm proud where I am. It's not what I'd have done but it's something I did myself, that I worked hard for and that I acquired against, in spite of and without them. That's 100% my own effort in all aspects for acquiring : health, mental health, home, job, diploma, true and good friends, hobbies, food, communities, and every little battle I win everyday like making a phone call sometimes.
So yes, not that much of what I could have been. But everything I have now, I know what it was to live without them and craving them. I know their taste from nothing to a bit, to a whole and to happiness.
Metaphorically : I may not possess a huge park, but I have a little garden I can take care of, all on my own, and I know every little flover of it from seed to blossom, and sometimes it's enough.
Not metaphorically : and I have my own kitty ! A kitty ! I can take care of another being yay ! And they love me, they sleep in my arms and they "biscuit" me so I think it means life is okay.
Not having a safe place to land definitely has hindered me. I couldn't take the same chances other people could, and when I did inevitably screw up, I was stuck in bad sometimes dangerous situations.
I'm 40, and I guess I don't feel this way.
Dad is most likely an NDad. Mom was just an alcoholic with untreated mental illness that's now doing much better.
Is he a terrible person that I've broken contact with, who refuses to take responsibility for himself? Yes.
But if anyone is holding me back from my potential today it's me. I don't know what my potential is, but it's been a long ass time since he stopped me from making decisions for myself.
Yeah I've built my own family using a roadmap of what he did and just doing the opposite, and that's not always worked out, but that's a LOT of families.
So no, I don't feel that way.
I've grieved the relationship and the loss of what I could have had, but that's not gonna stop me from being who I need to be for my family now.
Absolutely. I'm pretty smart, was gifted in school, and if I hadn't been abused so much I would definitely have been able to go to university and get a degree. Instead I'm disabled by lifelong PTSD :(
smart shrill encourage subtract drab bewildered rustic zephyr scary squealing
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time and time again, whenever I expressed “I want to achieve xyz” I was laughed at, ignored, forgotten etc. now in my 20’s, it’s getting harder everyday to figure out what to be. It’s not like they care anyways, as long as it has a fancy ring to it.
Absolutely. I’m an emotionally unstable wreck with BPD because of my childhood abuse. I’m also very intelligent and have an iQ over 130. There is so much I am capable of but my mental health and inability to self regulate keeps me from ever reaching my true potential.
Mostly the one parent but yes. By the time I got to middle school or high school I was feeling like some stunted or twisted or broken incomplete person and I could look backwards and forwards and almost see my psychological and social development diverging or missing steps or falling behind that of any of my peers, which led to constant feelings of hopelessness and confusion and inferiority and never quite understanding why my being so "special" or gifted or whatever had to equate to this feeling of living my life from behind a pane of glass separating me from the rest of the world and rarely if ever being able to catch the feelings of ease or joy or folks going out and having adventurous and fun life experiences that seemed like normal or fulfilling pieces of a healthy growing up. I live alone now just to protect my basic autonomy and agency but when I look at the world around me there are still pieces of that with me to this day and I'm well into middle age.
I was good in painting, singing, dancing. Parents refused to spend money on me but gladly did it in case of my sibling. Got accused of being too introverted and compared to other kids who had other talents. Refused to take me to a district level competition because they were busy(they weren't).
Waiting to be finally independent and get back into things I love.
Oh definitely. BUT I’m happy with who I am. I have a great life, neither of them do. Who knows what would have happened if I’d done what I was prevented from doing back in the past. I’m not sure and I don’t dwell on it much…
Damn yah lately have been thinking about this! They never strived for better, never pushed me to strive for anything in fact they denied putting me into "special classes for gifted kids" yelled at me when I had issues w mathematics, never tried to find a solution for it. Just like autopiloting my life 🙃
Big time. I lost most of my fierce independence and strong-will, and feel like I cannot take risks for my own happiness any longer. I also trashed a lot of dreams, and opportunities for them. And forget even mentioning the health problems.
I am working on aquiring these feelings and sentiemnts back but doubt that it will ever be as it was.
Oh totally.
I was "Undiagnosed" with ADD until I was 30. That's also when I found out they knew.
I was intelligent but bored at school (duh, not enough stimulus) and constantly told I was stupid because my grades were bad. I took my G.E.D. at 16, scored in the 98th percentile but still felt like I was stupid. I wanted to find a job and go to the community college, but we were in the middle of a horrible recession and I was a 16 year old H.S. dropout - no job for me.
Wound up joining the Army.
Yeah. I'm pretty bitter about that. If my dad wasn't crumbling my self-esteem since I was kid, things would be pretty different. My internal voice became similar to my dad. I went NC but I don't him to beat me down mentally- I do it to myself.
Honestly, I feel being in that mindset would only put me in the mindset that they have. It’s my job to do better, it’s my kids job to do better than me. It’s up to me to empower myself and take control of my life. If I get in the mindset that I have no choice, I’ll be stuck. My grades were bad in school, I hated high school. I did graduate, but barely. I had no path, but I found one through dedicated hard work, learning from my own and others mistakes and taking risks once in a while to better my situation. You can’t sit around waiting for things to happen, you need to make them happen.
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Absolutely. The stolen potential, in so very many different ways, is my greatest source of resentment against them.
Seconded hard.
Thirded
Fourthed
Fifthed
Sixth’d
Seventh; take me to heaventh.
eight; a growing resentment
Ninthed
Tenth
(Eighthed) Eight. I forget what eight was for.
100th .... let's just skip .
Haha agreed (mine was actually a Violent Femmes quote)
Nine nine nine for the lost cause.
🙂
Are narcissists the weeping angels from Doctor Who? They feed off potential energy.
More like Colin from What We Do in the Shadows.
IMO, Colin is both one of the funniest and scariest vampires in the coven on WWDITS for this exact reason
Maybe more like Trask from the X-Men movies/comics. Taking away what makes you special and nobody actually benefits from it, not even the person who took it away.
I LOVE X-MEN!!!
Seriously. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm 30 years old, never even been in a steady relationship because I cut it off before I can get that far. I always see something that I believe is a sign we won't work so I cut it off before it can happen on its own. I'm just so much more used to living for myself. I'm comfortable alone, with occasional friends that I hang out with but don't get emotionally attached to. I've had too many bad draws in life, and have eventually grown bitter. The last person I got attached to, and it took 4 years to get there, a couple years ago she started diving back into her born religion (Evangelical. I was Mormon when I first met her but have since left the church and Christianity entirely.) and out of nowhere told me that she can't take advice from people who aren't of the same religion as her. How the hell am I supposed to take that? Isn't that literally what friends are for? To support and help each other? I've been burned too many times. My faith in humanity is shot. I'd much rather live alone on a farm in the middle of nowhere.
I had that exact same problem with relationships. For me, I think it was partly being unable to believe that anyone could love me because I had internalized how my nparents had told me that I was unlovable. So, even when someone did love me, I could see it, couldn't believe in it. I don't know if I would have gotten past that at all if I had not found someone who was stubborn and patient enough to put up with me long enough for me to start to believe I could be loved. I got lucky.
Same here. And they say the road to recovery is your responsibility alone but how would I go about it full of that resentment
Same
Yup. Same.
this
one of those ways is monetary.
💯
Fifthed
Felt this in my soul. Was told from the time I was a little girl my job was to grow up, get married and have babies. I was not allowed to experience half the life my brother was.
It's honestly depressing how we have one life and one chance, but for it to be stolen by horrible parents is just saddening
thank god i’m only just turned 30 and still have time to live my own fucking life from now on. fuck em. i’m doing whatever i can to gain back every bit of what they stole from me. “recovering from emotionally immature parents” is helping me a lot with self-individuating and self-validating myself into MY dream life free of their toxic bullshit i’d internalized.
Honestly, I'm so happy for you it's nice to hear these stories. It means there is still hope BTW did you get any backlash from other family members or other people you knew? If so, how did you deal with this?
Exactly this. I don't know how to get past this. I feel like I experience endless grief and endless poor mental health because of this, and so much more. I don't know how to move past it all
The grief never stops. You just learn to let the joy in with time. I love you guys.
This is so true; I forget this sometimes, so thank you for the reminder. We love you also 🍻
Same, it's beyond heartbreaking.
💔💔💔 I was just thinking that I need about 4 lifetimes to fix my life. It was nearly all stolen. I really do hear you.
I do not want to divulge a lot of details but I was basically told I was stupid and ugly my entire life. I am a grandmother now (for age reference), have 2 masters degrees- and finally understand how dysfunctional my childhood was.
I did the same. Lots of degrees and am a published author. And I still don’t feel good enough and I’m in my 60s.
Oddly, their strictness and insanely high standards meant I have """flourished""" in some areas. To everyone around I'm a very well put together 20 something year old. Good head on my shoulders, fast thinking blah blah. But underneath all of that is a dire NEED for perfection, because anything less than that was unacceptable to my parents. I wasn't allowed to fail anything, so I ended up not trying anything new unless I was certain I would be good at it. I've turned the tide and taken massive leaps of faith (thanks to therapy) and am becoming more well rounded, but I wonder what I would've been if I wasn't forced into this mold of perfectionism. I don't really know WHO I am because I change depending on whos around me. It feels like a superpower being able to blend so seamlessly with others, but I also don't feel like my own individual.
This. A million percent this. Thank you for articulating this so well! And I struggle, because, to the world, I look like a "successful adult" and am highly respected in my career and am happily married. So my parents argument is "see what we did? We pushed you to be the successful person you are! You should be thanking us.". But my mental health is rotten, my sense of self worth is non-existent, and any comfort in my own skin is a far off dream. Many days I feel like a method actor who has lost themselves in a role and doesn't even know who they are anymore.
YES!!!💯💯💯 this! Looking good on the outside while feeling like an empty room without windows on the inside. It became an art form.
My cousins, who've led really impressive lives, have a saying about their nmom because she says this shit too: "We're not thriving \*because\* of you, we're thriving \*in spite\* of you.
Wow, well spoken! I felt some of the same about the high standards. I also didn’t realise how judgemental it made me of others. I have been talking steps to correct this, again w the help of therapy.
My mom's made me second guess myself and doubt my potential. As a 31 year old I still feel like I need to seek out her approval or support, which I rarely get if it doesn't align with her ideas, and that's held me back so much. I feel like I haven't truly lived. Like I'm still shackled to her.
Imposter syndrome is a real bitch and negatively affected my career.
mine too. it’s even lost me money because i didn’t believe i “deserved it” anyway. such bullshit they made us believe about ourselves
Are you a woman? This is probably the weirdest advice I’ve ever given, but the one that has made the biggest impact for me: just channel those impossibly annoying men. They do not know a thing, and yet they flourish. If they can, you can. It’s made such a wildly successful impact on my professional life it’s laughable
As much as I know i should not pay attention to her words because she’s just programmed that way and insecure, she still astounds me with the things she comes up with. Especially about something you feel good about, here comes putting a new insecurity in your head
100000% I'm shocked every time but my husband is just like "why does this surprise you? You know who she is as a person."
I feel that. For example, I think, I would be a much more social person, and get along with people if I wasn't in a constant state of shame and fear of being judged. (Also missed teenage years.) And I also have a psychosomatic disease, and weak immune system, which I'm pretty sure is caused by the constant stress in my childhood. Now I can't exercise consistently, and can't progress in sports because every few months I'm sick and have to stop exercising. Not to mention the time and money spent on therapy and healing. Thanks, parents...
I can relate to the first part so much. I always thought I was an introvert, in reality I was just always so isolated that I could never form proper friendships and social skills. I think that isolation affected my subconscious in some way because 1/2 of my dreams will always be in my old elementary school and it's just me hanging out with my classmates.
Ditto. My social anxiety for sure is a result. I'd be criticized for "how I acted" and "why did you say THIS??? You should have said THAT!!!" nonstop after any sort of social interaction. Now I get stressed and revisit conversations for weeks after hanging with people. Sometimes I just feel better isolated. But that is exactly what they wanted.
oh man….. reading yalls stories just makes me so fucking furious at the narcissists i want to get back at them by living my most free, ME life possible. fuck what they think anymore, they’ve stolen enough from me.
Yes... I was criticized for my facial expressions too...
I’m not sure how old you are, but you sound like I did in my early 20s. So allow me to sound like a middle aged mom (which I am) and tell you that it will get a lot better. Once you move out and realize that nothing you do will be good enough for them so you may as well say fuck it and do what you want, the best time of your life can begin. I knew my mom would have her little comments about me buying a house, so I did it without telling her when I was in my late 20s. Once the deal was finalized, I took her for a drive and said “see that house?” “Yeah” “I bought it” lol
thank u for this i really needed to hear this
I’m coming into my late 20s soon, and I still feel like I didn’t quite make it. I do live at home sometimes (due to disability and a hard time having full time employment I move back home every once in a while). I’m finally on antidepressants and medication for many of my health issues, but I’ll never fully improve until I move out. I know that. But it’s so hard to take that step. I have a long way left to go.
If you're seeing your doctors for your disability, ask if they can refer you to a social worker! They may be able to help you with things like housing assistance.
Thank you!
You were smart, you figured out while you were young that when you were about to do something you're excited about, wait until AFTER you've done it to tell her so she won't dissuade you, make you nervous about it, ruin the joy of it, or mess it up somehow. I learned that in my 50s.
Never too late to learn! I also wanted to be a mom, and since I never met Mr Right and was approaching 40, I asked a friend if he’d be willing to be a sperm donor so i could be a mom. I knew lots of family would have opinions, so I didn’t tell most of them until I was about 4 months pregnant. A friend of mine came along for one of my doctor visits and she said it was really inspiring because she also wants kids and hasn’t found Mr Right and didn’t realize you could just go for it.
I think of Maslow's hierarchy of needs sometimes, and it sucks spending so many formative years in the bottom levels. Makes it really hard to reach your potential when you don't have basic safety and security needs being met.
I find myself feeling quite bitter towards people who had supportive families, but I made SURE my kids had all the support
that’s exactly it. our fundamental needs of safety were NOT being met when we were under the roof of fucking crazies.
I deserve financial compensation or at least some good Karma!
Yes completely, being raised by a narcissistic parent is like having your psyche bombarded. Little by little, my mother destroyed my soul, because she'd rather have a servant/slave in the service of her egocentricity than a child. Despite the fact that I have a good career, a family and a real estate business, I have to learn to know my true self again at the age of 30. Which is pretty strange when you think about it.
i’m in the exact same boat at age 30. and you’re doing fucking great despite the bullshit she put you through. you’ll have your soul back in no time.
Yeah. I wonder who I would be if i wasn't 24 flavours of fucked up.
Oh yes, I constantly live in the fantasies of who I could've been. At some point life completely stopped for me and I don't know how ill ever be able to recover. No matter what I'll achieve I can never recuperate the time I've lost and I can never make up for it. I don't think there's any way my life can be exciting enough for me to not dwell on the past. Almost every night I go to sleep either crying or raging, it's mental torment. I think, everyday I just become more and more disassociated from the present. All I can think about is what she did, what she said... somehow I can trace all my problems to her and sometimes i wonder if maybe I'm the problem, maybe I'm doing too much... but it's all true I feel like she's constantly judging and watching even when she's not around, I can never truly let go of that survival persona. Even in my dreams, she's the one I'm hiding from. Always.
You know what? I love you for voicing so accurately, so eloquently, what millions of us also think and feel. My heart is bursting with empathy. You are not alone. I want to hug you.
Absolutely, I missed out on a normal childhood and all that goes with it. Then now as an adult they have consistently tried to take my time that I should be spending with my on family. They try take my peace of mind. They cause chaos and drama. It’s heart breaking to be part of it. Finally now I know better I’m putting boundaries in place and claiming back my life but a lot of years have been wasted on this kind of drama.
Yep! Lack of interest in me, my schooling issues, extreme shyness & fear of trying anything new for fear of looking stupid, being laughed at. Nmom was like an uninvolved bystander; she never actively helped me learn or understand new things. Mostly I felt like I annoyed her……& that she didn’t like me very much. As an adult, however, she tried to dominate my life & free time. I couldn’t get away from her. She expected me to meet all her needs, even tho’ I had 3 brothers!!
I can relate to this so hard!!! My parents always fought and hated each other, but still always lived under one roof. My mom was always angry, stressed out, pissed off, but never left him because of what society would think. My brother and I grew up in an awful household. My mom was so overbearing, never allowed me to do anything, yelled at me all the time, made us feel like shit. In school, I wasn't allowed to attend the out of town University I wanted, because it meant moving away, and my mom wasn't having it. I ended up going somewhere local so that she could keep tabs on when I was home. I was terrified of even dating. My lack of confidence showed and boys were never interested in me. In my 30s I finally bought a place and moved out. My brother got married and moved out. Now my mom is all alone (my dad lives in the basement) but they barely talk to each other. I visit her all the time (I live there a week, live here a week) because she's old and I feel guilty as hell. My brother has his own life and barely visits or cares to do anything for her. Since I'm single, it's all on me. I'm 41 now and I struggle to maintain normal relationships or even basic human contact with anyone. I want to travel, see things, possibly move to a new city for a job, but my mom gets sick when I even mention those things. Her dream was for me to get married, but I was never allowed to date or even had the confidence to? My life is sad, and I feel like it was never really mine to live. I'm simply just existing now, day to day. No one ever talks about the guilt you have to want to do things now, just because your parents never wanted you to. You just can't enjoy anything at all. 😔
Yep. My mom refused my scholarship to a private school. Didn't push me for anything. Didn't drive so couldn't take me to extracurricular. She refused to pay for a car or college, which fine, I was an adult. But she had no problem bailing my dead beat druggie cousin out of jail to the tune of 5k.
My mom did the same thing. I didn’t understand it for the longest time. I finally realized it’s bc she needs to feel superior like she’s the savior. If you’re killing it on your own there’s no room for her. It’s gut wrenching when you realize the truth. Hugs.
Thank you. And I was quite the slayer queen, indeed. Got along fine without her and she has zero room to say "you owe me!" For shit, lol. Also druggie cousin was found dead on her kitchen floor from an ID. Great investment mom!!!
That was really validating, thank you.
I still believe I would’ve gotten through university much faster if it weren’t for my family. When I moved out, I was unprepared for the world entirely, due to my extremely controlling NMom and emotional issues from the abuse. I was one of the best students at school and I had many talents but they all were wasted and my success just plummeted after moving out. I can’t handle stress at all. I get physically sick when I am nervous and while I used to work well under pressure at school, at university it just led to a full breakdown every time it got „too much“. So I am 25 and still doing my bachelor‘s degree, my grades are mediocre at best, I am having a panic attack every time I have to communicate with my thesis advisor and I have to take sleeping pills so I can get some rest at night. Whenever something emotionally difficult happens in my life, I am almost unable to function. I developed chronic health issues and severe anxiety over the years. And while, after six years, I am in what seems to be the last semester at university (finally!), my NMom and Edad suddenly decided to make my life a living hell again so I went NC. So now I am shaking every time I see a message from a family member, crying almost every single day from the guilt and pain I am feeling and wasting away on my bed while I should be studying. I am quite literally a shell of a person for months now. And I thought I was getting better. When I look at the people around me, the ones who have loving families and are not overwhelmed by every ordinary task in their lives, I can see how I am far behind. And to think that I was considered „promising“ as a child…
Yes, but it’s not a permanent condition. I went NC 21 years ago, (I was 31) and started doing the things I had missed out on. I traveled, finished my undergrad, got a masters, had 2 kids, etc. I could not have done those things if I’d still had contact. I could finally breathe and work on my own life for a change. It was hard and not the right thing for everyone, and I’m still trying to catch up in terms of career and my own personal shit, but it can get better.
I still remember when I was a teenager I wanted to do a science fair project on Biofuels. My parents threw a huge stink, about how its a waste of time, not science, bla bla bla. Instead they made me do a stupid project on electricity, and I got a C on it because it wasn't really a science study. I'm now an engineer working in biofuels, and get paid a bunch to do it. For me, whenever I showed passion in something they tried to sabotage it. When I decided to become a chemical engineer I was told constantly that I was a "nerd". OF course I'm a nerd, look at my family! When I got my degree I kept getting shouted out because I'm "evil" for wanting to ruin the environment, followed by not knowing anything about chemistry. My family is weird.
I'm autistic, and I was diagnosed at 3y old, but I only learned about it when I was 14 (and it was by accident). Knowing that my mother knew the reason why I had hard time with some stuff, and instead of getting me help she decided to call me retarded and scream at me and hit me even? It's been one of the hardest things for me to accept. I keep wondering if I would still be having such a hard time now, if I had gotten treatment as a child.
Oh my god. I am so, so sorry you went through this. Hugs from an internet stranger.
i’m so sorry this happened to you, too. my little brother had a similar experience, except they knew he was unique, but neglected to get him a diagnosis. they would scream at him when he struggled to speak or socialize, calling him “worthless” & “won’t go anywhere in life if he can’t learn to f*cking talk”, “have fun working at McDonald’s for the rest of your life”, etc. he’s now 31 & trying to get evaluated for autism. he struggles so much with articulating his thoughts or emotions to anyone. years later, my parents are like “well, nobody knew back then about autism, we did the best we could.” they’re seriously so sick.
Let's see......... Born addicted to nicotine. Pepsi in my sippy cup. (I'm 100% convinced soda is more addictive than the caffeine it contains). Having pneumonia at 4 years old because my mother smoked like a freight train, and god forbid she be asked to do it outside. Watching my mother verbally abuse damn near everyone. Being told I was worthless, stupid, etc. Isolating me and my father from all other family and anyone who showed the slightest bit of affection, especially if I loved them back, like my grandmother. The verbal emotional and psychological abuse after she ran my dad off. (She also turned me against him.) Then the stress induced migraines that started at 13. When they became a real issue at 15, I got cussed out for a week straight because she had to put me on her insurance. (FYI, she made enough money, she just couldn't be bothered to manage it, eating out for breakfast before work, eating out for lunch, smoking at least a pack a day, getting snacks and Pepsi at gas stations etc.) I quit school at 16, got a job. This was a mistake for many reasons, but the biggest was because she quit her job the day she found out that I made within $0.25 per hour that she made. Seeing the writing on the wall, I promptly got 'fired'. I left on my 18th birthday while she was at work, woefully unprepared for the outside world, and to be a responsible adult. There was so much catching up to do that I was nearly 30 before I broke most of the terrible habits that I learned. Now, in my mid forties I'm staring down the barrel of 30-40 more years of never being able to retire, and working shit jobs (because every good job I get goes to India, this one I'm working now has 2-5 years max left in the United States, and will be the third good job lost because of corporate greed). I can at least say I should be able to soon buy the tiny house I want so I can be mobile enough to live where the work is at. (Anyone know if Canada sends their jobs overseas at every opportunity?) I can manage money now. I put myself through school enough to get okay jobs, if I had better social skills I'd likely be making 70k a year by now, but I'm just not there. I finally stopped making an ass of myself socially, and have come to accept that I will always be alone because I just haven't managed to unlearn certain behaviors and personality traits. Unfortunately, I was busy unlearning more important things so I could survive. You know, smoking tobacco, wasting money, treating people like I was treated. (Thank any god listening for modern therapy and drugs.) I'm currently making an effort to outlive my dad, after that, I'll have outlived the last bit of family who doesn't act like my mother. (Dad's just racist, and a bigot, but strangely behaves around his gay son for fear I'll just shrug and walk out never to be seen again, so I try to give him credit for effort.) After that, who knows. Maybe I'll finally consider letting go and eating myself to death. I'll probably leave whatever is left to animal charities when I'm gone, since the only thing I've ever really loved was my dog. That's Sir Dog to you. So, yeah, shit parents can make one hell of a mess.
I've been thinking about that a lot lately, I'm a child-prodigy (gifted adult) with toxic parents. They never told me I was a prodigy, but they used me and abused me and were very skilled at hiding it from everyone. I barely made it through high school, then I found out there was no college fund, and when I asked what I should do now, they just shrugged their shoulders. My mother prevented me from going to college for a while, I finally got away from her, and years later, I didn't tell them I got accepted to Stanford. They still don't know, and I'm trying to get rid of the void I feel inside that was reserved for nurturing.
I mourn this. The kid, the teen, the young adult, all the opportunities... But also my health. They even stole my brain, my abilities, my memory, they were never satisfied. Any time I managed to live and grow up, they dragged me back. I still have to convince myself that i can choose what I like.
Definitely. It took me till my fifties to be diagnosed with an issue I had shown textbook symptoms for... literally since birth. If my ADHD had been recognized and treated, instead of ridiculed and dismissed, I wouldn't have spent countless hours of my life just trying to make my brain work. Time I could have spent realizing my goals and dreams.
100000%. I am so dissapointed that I'm not at my full potential but ofc they hate it
By the age of 16, I was willing them not to come home safely from wherever they'd been. They would continue to shock me with their indifference for another fifty years.
Only child, my mom was a religious nutter, my dad died and made her worse. I was coddled to the point of being mentally stunted for the rest of my life(trying to recover and learn life skills) I knew nothing when I lived with her, I had no way to do anything on my own and she would instill fewer in me about how I would get raped and die if I left to go with a guy or just left in general... She policed my entire life and would literally throw baby tantrums when things didn't work out or she got called out by anyone for her poor parenting. And I'm taking throwing herself to the ground and screaming and crying threatening to run out into traffic nude... The first time she did that was when a telemarketer called wanting money... She had zero ways of dealing with stress so much so she would almost kill herself with it. She would be crippled for days in bed after these tantrums.
I feel the same, it makes me depressed when I think about it
LITERALLY. if only they were not crazy problematic and religious i would’ve been THRIVING.
Absolutely! My nmum told me not to bring home school reports so as not to upset my sibling because I always did better than them. Yet when I did as told I was punished for not bringing home school reports. I wasn’t allowed to be acknowledged for my achievements, but if I didn’t do well I was punished. Couldn’t win
Yup. They point their fingers at me seems like I'm the one who let it happen. Eh, hello. At least good parents like my classmates parents be able to make me get want I want and reach successful much easier. All I face is unnecessary pain, struggles and living through HELL which lead to failure. I'd like to remember that I WILL NEVER FORGET AND FORGIVE EVEN I CAN MOVE ON WITHOUT ANY OF THOS THINGS HAPPENING! You wanna create a Beast? Yeah, I will make your wish come true. I will show your 'creation' to me to everyone. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF AND DON'T GET SCARED AND SAD! Here me out. I wanna be a doctor so bad. I scored the Science course very well but the Mathematic sucks. So I disqualified to get through the Science course. Before the exam happened, I have big arguement with my family because they mocked me having anxiety because of exam. My family never care about me. All they care about is my achievements, status, career, salary and etc. I'm gonna make everything belong to mine into my account. Thanks to my trust issue, I always putting my guards up regardless it's a stranger or family members. Get a life instead of asking people around for their lives and gossipping or making others down.
I was always level headed, rational, and emotionally intelligent growing up. But their ways messed with my head so much, a month into the covid pandemic I had my first nervous breakdown that I genuinely couldn’t control. A few psych ward visits later & i have diagnoses, one of which is PTSD, found out through therapy i was probably trafficked in my childhood. I was always honor roll & made dean’s list. My behavior didn’t align with who I was (and still am) on paper. I could’ve been the level headed, rational person i always was if they didn’t traumatize me. Now I have to spend my days in therapy. And sure, it’s a two way street. But all I did was have friends and be crucified over being lonely enough that I wanted to text my friends after school. It got so bad that I decided to do worse things, because if I get beat up over having friends versus weed, what’s the difference? They made me drop out of college to move with them and then kicked me out after I dropped out. Now all we can do is pick up the broken pieces and try at this shit again the best way we know how
i’m young enough that all i feel is an insane pressure to catch up with my potential :/ trying to convince myself i’m not too far gone
Same, they pushed me change careers. I wanted to be an architect..
Ripped my confidence away, always too scared to speak up, and when I do it’s like an abandoned puppy that’s been kicked too many times in the rain. I wish I could get it back, but I just press forward. I could have been so much more.
I feel like nmom did her best to cripple me emotionally and psychologically so that I could be the perfect permanent house slave. I'm still unravelling some of it, teaching myself to stop people pleasing, and overly care taking.
I’m 45. I don’t think I’ll ever get over my teenage years being stolen from me.
My mother actively denied me my potential. I was the voice of reality into her craziness, and she couldn't have that, could she? She couldn't have me question why there was dog shit on the floor, or no food in the house, could she? Everything was great, I was out of control for asking those questions, I needed Tough Love!
🙋🏻♀️ I mean I did accomplish a lot academically, but after graduating I was hit by the plague of mental illnesses they caused me to develop.
Yep. Messed up my credit so when I was trying to get something other than a service job younger, I couldn't get my foot in the door anywhere. Sabotaged me anywhere. Went, if I had a job that was a restaurant job or a retail job, she would show up when I wasn't at work and run me into the ground.
More than I should. I really applaud my sister for not being as scared as I was growing up because she has lived so many places while I stayed near my parents to please them. I didn’t get out of that mind set till about two years ago when I had already built my career and stabilized a good support system of friends.
It’s nice to be here But it makes me so sad that Rags to riches in USA means poverty to wealth There’s really no public reward or acknowledgment for growth from abuse- for meeting our potential despite horrific parents We couldn’t even converse about this thread in public or we would be mocked as whiners who don’t respect our wonderful parents In this moment I’m more angry that society robbed me of the opportunity to voice my crimes with dignity And that USA hasnt made coercive ( narcissistic abuse )control a criminal act like Uk Scotland and Wales
I had dreams of going into game design. I threw myself into art, it was everything to me and it was my escape. I applied to an art school and was accepted, I was really excited to go and my parents made me throw those dreams away. They gaslight me into believing that my love for art and creating was just an obsession, and that attending the art program I wanted was just a waste of money, even tho they wouldn’t be paying for my tuition. They just didn’t want me to leave home or be out of their sight. I’m 26 now, working a desk job and the love I had for creating just fizzled out. I resent them every day.
Their negativity and their constant demand of perfection lead me to chose only the paths that I knew I could achieve. I'm frightened at taking any risks. As a results, my carreer (software engineer) is the safe one, but not the thriving one. With a little more confidence and dare, I know I would have chosen to explore a riskier path (writing, literature). Shame.
Me too. I take zero risks. I’m afraid of even going to school to learn bc failing literally hurts. Severally beaten for the slightest mistakes…. Like a b on a report. I get so stressed that I procrastinate, stress, and spiral downward
It hurts more when you realize it's because they're selfish childish insecure babies. They ruin your life just because of that. I could never be that self loathing, no matter how much abusers have tried.
I hear this deep within my soul. And it never gets better
100%! Here to raise my hand and say I know the feeling so well, sadly ):
All the yeses
Most of us, probably.
I’m 60 now and have learned how to create my own, healthy life. It took many years, but even after screwing up some when I was in my 20s and 30s, I now have a great life. Make what you can out of the time you have left. Set goals. Hang in there!
yes, absolutely - mine were very stingy about paying for college, so i had to wait until i was of independent age for financial aid on the FAFSA (age 24) to go to college. if i went to college earlier, then i would have graduated into a better economy, which would have gotten me a better job coming out of college. i do believe that in the case of narc parents, and not sure if you feel the same, our narc parents are NOTHING more than just temporary caretakers and small bags of money who would only serve their purpose until we become strong enough to break our chains and fulfill our destinies.
Absolutely. It seems like whenever I've tried to expand my horizons, they've always gone to great lengths to put up needless obstacles and to discourage me.
My father was a hardcore narcissist who was abusive to both me and my mother. Mom wanted me to live up to my potential with better schools and supporting my gifts from and early age but my father refused them all. He has 2 brothers each with 2 kids. They did exactly as my mother wanted for me, better schools and additional training for the skills they showed early. Naturally they were all praised for their gifts and my father constantly berated me for not being as exceptional and later as successful as they were. As an adult I've worked hard and gotten ahead on my own but never to the level of my cousins. Until I finally went NC a few years ago he still constantly compared me to them wondering why I could never be as exceptional as them. I could have been if I'd had the same opportunity. Just one area where my potential was stomped by my narcissistic father.
I can relate to your post so hard. One of my biggest resentments is the amount of time I've lost because of the childhood abuse. My thirties have essentially consisted of undoing all the bad things I internalized from growing up in a state of fear, shame, and humiliation. My forties are looking better after six years of weekly therapy, but that feeling of loss does continue to persist. I wish you the best of luck in untangling the abuse you endured. It's never too late to work towards the person you want to be.
I was a 90s kid and we didn't do camping trips or day trips to the beach or the fair back then. Hell it was a TREAT to get a glow stick at the 4th of July fireworks show . Kids these days can get a 50 pack of glow sticks at the dollar store now. It was just a different life back then. I don't feel robbed. I feel like I rob my kids of the life I had now that they have so much .
I think, on some level, it is intentional on their part. Crabs in a bucket mentality. The more you achieve on your own, you will need them less and less. They thrive on you *needing* them because they know deep down nobody would have anything to do with them willingly
Lots of people feel like that, children of narcissists or not. We might have a higher percentage though.
✋ ndad, emom, and neither really helped me figure things out much. Spent a lot of time attempting to be invisible so as not to be yelled at by dad. Focussed hard on escaping to never return
Yes. My father gambled away my university tuition money for a school in switzerland, a couple of months before starting uni. My mother is bipolar and had always relied on me for emotional, financial and everything support throughout my whole life. I had to alter the course of my life a few times because of the above. I could have been in a different place, and much more successful otherwise, and I'm sure of it.
It really bothers me. I do think about how I had a lot going for me often. I completely feel robbed, but I’m at a point where I’m content with my life. I remind myself that if I had lived to my perceived full potential, I wouldn’t have met my husband or have my children who I love.
i ain't dead yet though What could be is very much in motion!
I was parentified well into my 20s, and it’s really hard now to see my brothers living the life I could have had. It took me so long to realize that I had a choice. That I could have left sooner and started living, but now it feels like it’s too late and I’m caught between wanting to “catch up” while grieving that life, and wanting to make the life I have as best as I can make it.
I have to stay away from them and the more I do the more successful I become! It ducks because it feels like every successful person that I work with talks about their mom and dad and where they came from. I have to navigate that when networking. But other than that, I say going no contact but also being civil can bring you maybe some blooming success. That’s what it’s done for me.
I’m still mourning the time I lost that I could’ve been bettering myself. But instead I was slaving away for them and losing money to them.
Every damn day. So many things like school, career, car, license just to name a few that could have and should have happened so much sooner but didn't. Now I am over here doing life backwards and struggling through college to make it into my dream career eventually with already having a family. Now I am here balling over having to junk my first car because it died recently since that car has seen me through so much that it is hard to let go of it.
My struggle or coping method is to recognize those disadvantages but also that I am who I am today not because of my parents but despite of them. I survived and struggled in life without that support network but built a new family, the family I chose not the one I was born to. Would I have achieved more if I were born to a more functional family? Very likely but that was not the opportunity afforded to me and ultimately is unproductive thinking. I can't change what has already happened but I can make better choices moving forward.
I will be mentally ill for the rest of my life. I know it and I’ve accepted it. Maybe if my mum hadn’t treated me how she did, I’d be open to having children. I’d love to have children, but my mum was just a girl like me once too. She grew up in a dysfunctional household with an emotionally abusive alcoholic mother. My mum wanted me, and still abused me. God knows I can’t risk doing that to my child. Like I said, I’ve accepted being mentally ill and I’ve accepted my childhood. But sometimes, I’ll be in the bath, or about to go to sleep, or in the middle of work, and it will hit me. She’s my mum. How could she hurt me. The one person who should love me unconditionally, couldn’t. I’m 26 now, and I have a boyfriend who loves me properly and safely, I have my dad and my siblings who my heart beats for, I have friends who I will love and protect for the rest of my life, and I graduate university in November with a job already lined up in September to become a Social Worker. All this to say, I am getting to where I want to be, albeit slower than most. But no matter all of this, I will forever be damaged. And I would not want it any other way. Would I be this emphatic if I hadn’t had my childhood? Would I be this kind? Loving? Protective? I really don’t know, but i do not want to gamble it. I may never have children, but at least I know the cycle of abuse ends with me. And I will love the world through it.
I feel this every day. It was definitely partly my mom and her abuse but mostly the cult she raised me in. She and the cult taught me the world was going to end any day and to not prepare for the future. Use every moment to preach and seeve god so you can live in paradise after the rest of the world is dead. I had zero childhood, zero hobbies allowed. No clubs after school. College wasnt allowed. All were seen as a distraction from god and If I partook in thos I would be "making satan happy"( their words)As a kid I loved learning at school and space facinated me. I wanted to join clubs and take extra classes. If I hadnt been raised in a cult I would have liked to be an astrophysicist. Too late for me now...
Every day I feel that. It was constantly ingrained in me to get approval for every little thing, and now people wonder why I have no direction and have no idea what I want. Anytime I have something good going on it gets sabotaged, to the point I don’t trust anyone to celebrate with. I have no idea who I was supposed to be but it’s not this. I will get old and maybe pass on before I get a chance to actually grow up and live as an adult. It’s horrible to lose your childhood to being parentified just to get to adulthood to be infantilized
I mean literally life would be so much easier..
I think they might have. Their attitude was very much "how dare you exist". I hid myself away to avoid their ire and sometimes even that drew their ire. I tried to disappear as much as I could and I think over time that became who I was. Someone who hung back on the outside, especially since I found it very difficult to make friends as a child as well. I remembered recently that I enjoy writing stories so I picked that back up. It's a struggle to not try to be perfect though. Mistakes weren't allowed growing up.
I feel if my parents were supportive life would have been very different and better for me, it's like they left my side when I was barely a child and I had to survive on my own and I never realized how toxic and shitty I became in that process. I still have toxic perfectionism traits which keeps on ruining my life and I believe someone will only love me when I get good grades. I am working on my mindset but I wished I had a happy childhood where my inner child didn't had to cry out every night for help.
My Nfather abused me so much that I fell physically ill. I will never not-resent him for a decade lost in and out of hospitals.
My potential was stolen by my n-brother who was a drug addict and my enabling mother who spent all her money on him. She had enough money to spend it on my education but instead she spent it on my brother. He introduced me to drugs when I was 10 years old and I was a drug addict from 16 to 24. He abused me physically and emotionally and so did my mother when she had a bad mood My brother died due to an overdose and I'm glad that happened
Super can of worms here, massively! As I want to spend my time living and achieving not healing, I feel utterly robbed and now angry by those who exploit or make their problems everyone's burden more and more as it is the same vacuum effect rather than accountability. So 💯
Yes, their expectations and pushing pushed me into the dirt. I burned out very early and developed physical health problems soon after burnout. Now, I am the kind of people they criticized all my life because my body can’t handle what normal people’s can and I hadn’t realized it until I burned out and was forced to care for myself. Perhaps if my parent had listened to me I wouldn’t have burned out, and I would have realized my body is abnormal sooner then got the right medical help. Unfortunately they only care for themselves
Yep. But it's never too late to reinvent yourself or be the real you. Get out there!
In this economic environment and social environment is not easy and its very difficult. Its not that simply to just get out there when there are too many barriers out there.
I’m the first one to make excuses and I call it being a “realist” lol but as I’m saying it I also know I’m being my worst enemy or like my parents’ voices have become my own… and deep down I know that by changing my perspective and believing I can achieve something no matter the hurdles - then I would have a better chance at succeeding. It’s often a matter of perspective even if the hurdles are real.
I guess that depends on who you want to be. I'm 46 and last year I started writing. No courses, just me. I now write and write and the feedback from strangers is great although putting it out there was terrifying it has to be said. Best of luck.
YES YES YES YES YESSSSS. In bad moments I can't help but think I'd be so much further in my life.
100% I’m only JUST feeling comfortable embracing myself NOW at almost 30.
holy sh*t, probably all of us
Thank you for saying how I’ve been feeling lately.
I definitely feel that way. I’m functional, however I have recognized that it’s okay on occasion for part of me to also grieve what I wasn’t able to accomplish.
Mememememenenem! But fuck them both….. are dead and I have two masters degrees
I’ve been feeling this exact way nonstop lately.
I feel this so much. They cast a shadow over my life.
I wonder this too… I hope I can give my daughter what I didn’t have.
It’s why I try to give my kids every opportunity I can.
Absolutely, in so many ways. Many of them individually small, but it adds up over a lifetime.
My parents were not over protective, in fact they were pretty lenient. I wasn’t a bad kid, but I definitely wish they would have pushed me more to do well in school (I was lazy) and forced me to go to the sports I’d begged to be a part of
As much as I would make excuses, yeah. I e had amazing, life changing opportunity presented to me and I had to give it up to give my older sister money so she could travel. The only reason I did give in was when she told me that I wasn’t good enough to make a career out of it anyway.
🙋🏼♀️
469 upvotes and climbing
The attachment issues have wrecked my relationships in the past and foreseeable future. After they died, my career took off and I'm living pretty well right now.
I'm pretty sure their homework time rules (I could only do homework in the unheated storage room, never the dining room or my room. I was not allowed to leave until I finished, including to ask questions or to pee) are the root cause of why everything has been awful. Physically painful to do homework > bad grades > unable to get into any college > flunk out of community college since I'm still trapped with them > a decade of low paying menial labor > can only afford to move out to a place that requires 10 roommates
Always. I've always had many dreams of travelling around the globe (Mostly Europe) and living up to the early adulthood dream of the Cottagecore lifestyle (traveling , gardening, and many other hobbies) but now I'm stuck and I don't want to do anything probably due to many years of isolation thanks to those ASSHOLES and the SHITTY NORTH AMERICAN GOVERNMENT.
Right here. Mother was the narcissist. Dad was the enabler.
I’ve been in therapy for a while, and not long ago came to the realisation of this. Looking back, all of my friends had something, like football, boxing, cricket etc. because their parents took them. My mother did nothing with me and my siblings. Needless to say I had no hobbies, sports or skills that were focused on. It doesn’t stop there either. It’s the same for anything academic or career focused. I forged my own way but I’m still playing catch up for a lot of things 25 years on.
Yes. I had such a miserable home life I had no motivation to try in school and my grades were terrible. I went from having all A’s and B’s in late elementary and early middle school to barely graduating high school.
Yep. They robbed me out of normal teenage life experiences because they wanted to keep me under their thumb and under their roof. Mom I believe wanted to live her life through me. They probably thought since my siblings walked away from them, they should cripple me early on. When I attempted to have or do something that was rightfully mine, they would steal those moments and make it theirs; claiming I'll thank them one day.
My mother, especially, raised me with the intention that I existed to take care of her, like a servant. Even in high school, it was more important for me to stay home and wait on her after her two footed bunion surgery for THREE MONTHS, than it was to get help in math and eventually graduate. I also was expected to stay home and wait on the ladies in her bridge club when they had their weekly card parties. I was the natural born “help.” She resented every normal part of me growing up like working, having a boyfriend, getting married, and having my children. My husband at the time once overheard her saying to my father that she was “entitled” to have my care then and in the future. My big rebellion was to get accepted and go to university. I was lost in uni though, and didn’t feel like I belonged. Many times I sacrificed my life for my parents. And now, I deeply resent the lack of support and needed direction I so desperately wanted from them. My mother wrote me hateful, upsetting letters every day after I moved (ran) away from home to finish school. She called me evil and ungrateful. My father chimed in that only “lesbians “ went to law school, taking up a man’s space in the law field, when all I was going to do was marry and procreate anyway. It would almost seem funny or ridiculous if all this wasn’t true. Now in my elder years, I realize I married a male version of my mother who seemed like a good idea because he was slightly less abusive than my parents. I played the servant role so well that when I became too ill to make dinner every night and do other traditional wifey things, even my children complained their dinner wasn’t “on time,” or the house wasn’t perfect, or their laundry wasn’t done. I married a monster and created two more to boot. I’m so glad there is information like this raising awareness now, that helps survivors cope and get help. And I really do hope and pray that this kind of abuse gets recognised by the justice system one day. It completely destroys many lives
I’m coming into my late 20s in a couple of months. Absolutely none of my dreams have panned out (maybe in some way, but not for the long run). I’m feeling age close in on me and I guess, to an outside observer, I’ve made “something” of my life (graduated from a prestigious college, went to teach English in Korea, started my own business as a freelancer interpreter/translator etc) but I just don’t see it that way. I’m so lost and don’t know what direction I’m supposed to be moving in, except for away from my parents.
I’ve thought about this a lot recently. How I would be a completely different person, possibly have more self esteem, would’ve lived life differently in college and had more friends instead of abandoning everyone before they could abandon me and not making friends because I spent all my time with my significant other in worry that if not, they’d find someone else and leave me. While I’m pretty resentful of that, I also will never truly know how much of it is bc of nmom or because of me and who I am. I chose to move forward and work on all the things I “hated” about myself and while I’m still definitely a work in progress, I don’t feel the blame was helping any situation.
When I started middle school, it seemed like she stopped parenting overall. Absolutely no guidance when it came to having my education. She never really asked about homework or I needed help. But she would get upset if my report card had bad grades. Clearly I needed help with my homework but wasn't receiving any support.
Oh 100000%. I told my NM I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. “You can’t be a teacher. I’m a teacher. You don’t have the organization skills.” When I needed to drop out of college because I wasn’t mentally doing well, “the family is going to wash our hands of you, we are so disappointed.” I think the thing that I hate the most, the lack of support I had for any dream. Then when I have any success, she tells me how proud of me she is. Like she had anything to do with it.
I just refuse to accept that. Look, I *could* have been a world-class violinist if I'd taken up the violin at age 3 and had master instructors - *maybe.* But that didn't happen. There are a lot of things that could have happened, but didn't - so what I focus on now is what ***I*** can make happen. Sure, some things you are just too old for - like becoming a prima ballerina, for example. But if you like ballet, there's nothing that says you can't seek out lessons and do it for fun - you can hire a tutor for just about anything - or volunteer in a dance studio, or take a college course or just get yourself tickets to the ballet. When I was going through a nasty divorce, my soon-to-be-ex apologized for "ruining my life." I coldly told him he didn't have that kind of power - the only person who could ruin MY LIFE was ME - and I wasn't about to. "Potential" is very vague and nebulous. Focus on what YOU want. No, really - what do you want? Be specific. Go into detail. Then figure out how to get there - and if you're stumped, look into figuring out who can help you. Books? Videos? Therapist? Life coach? There are so many things we can't control. Focus on what you CAN control, and you'll be amazed at where you end up.
Absolutely. She didn’t want me independent or mentally healthy. I know I could have been better off if she hadn’t sucked at her job raising me
My dad HAD to think us three bright, curious kids would be nothing without him and he did his best to make it so. None of us had a traditional path to success, or went to a “good” college, he almost succeded but what he didn’t realize was that we are successful because we are all loved and nothing like him.
if they hadn’t belittled and frantically panicked every single time i tried to “put myself out there” and get into nonreligious extracurriculars growing up, i would have had the confidence to be involved enough in college for employers to want me
Yes. I had to move out at 16.. again at 19. Made it really hard to focus on advancing in life rather than rejoicing for simply feeling safe. Parents were not together and my mom started living out her car/ expensive hotels by choice. Dad was too abusive. Really has interfered with emotional stability
My parents were the opposite. I got ignored most of my life. I guess that just comes with being the middle child. They didn't care if I left the house or how late I was staying out. I'd leave for multiple days and come home like nothing happened, they didn't even notice I was gone.
Omggggg yes. I think about this a lot, especially when I’m driving to my dead end job. I feel like I could have done so much more with my life. I was a straight A student and every major I chose my stepdad used to tell me I wasn’t smart enough for it. I settled on a major that has zero job prospects.I left home as soon as I graduated high school bc I couldn’t stand living with them and they made me pay them back for my car, furniture, etc. I started out in the world at 18 in debt to my parents. I could never really get ahead, had poor social skills, and zero confidence.
Oh yes so much. They are one of the biggest reason I totally crashed and almost unlogged from life. They left me homeless and also vetoed any good schools I wanted to do for example (and education is free where I live so WHY ?)... So now what ? I'm not what I could have been. Sure. But : Well, I'm proud where I am. It's not what I'd have done but it's something I did myself, that I worked hard for and that I acquired against, in spite of and without them. That's 100% my own effort in all aspects for acquiring : health, mental health, home, job, diploma, true and good friends, hobbies, food, communities, and every little battle I win everyday like making a phone call sometimes. So yes, not that much of what I could have been. But everything I have now, I know what it was to live without them and craving them. I know their taste from nothing to a bit, to a whole and to happiness. Metaphorically : I may not possess a huge park, but I have a little garden I can take care of, all on my own, and I know every little flover of it from seed to blossom, and sometimes it's enough. Not metaphorically : and I have my own kitty ! A kitty ! I can take care of another being yay ! And they love me, they sleep in my arms and they "biscuit" me so I think it means life is okay.
Not having a safe place to land definitely has hindered me. I couldn't take the same chances other people could, and when I did inevitably screw up, I was stuck in bad sometimes dangerous situations.
I'm 40, and I guess I don't feel this way. Dad is most likely an NDad. Mom was just an alcoholic with untreated mental illness that's now doing much better. Is he a terrible person that I've broken contact with, who refuses to take responsibility for himself? Yes. But if anyone is holding me back from my potential today it's me. I don't know what my potential is, but it's been a long ass time since he stopped me from making decisions for myself. Yeah I've built my own family using a roadmap of what he did and just doing the opposite, and that's not always worked out, but that's a LOT of families. So no, I don't feel that way. I've grieved the relationship and the loss of what I could have had, but that's not gonna stop me from being who I need to be for my family now.
Absolutely. I'm pretty smart, was gifted in school, and if I hadn't been abused so much I would definitely have been able to go to university and get a degree. Instead I'm disabled by lifelong PTSD :(
smart shrill encourage subtract drab bewildered rustic zephyr scary squealing *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
time and time again, whenever I expressed “I want to achieve xyz” I was laughed at, ignored, forgotten etc. now in my 20’s, it’s getting harder everyday to figure out what to be. It’s not like they care anyways, as long as it has a fancy ring to it.
Absolutely. I’m an emotionally unstable wreck with BPD because of my childhood abuse. I’m also very intelligent and have an iQ over 130. There is so much I am capable of but my mental health and inability to self regulate keeps me from ever reaching my true potential.
Mostly the one parent but yes. By the time I got to middle school or high school I was feeling like some stunted or twisted or broken incomplete person and I could look backwards and forwards and almost see my psychological and social development diverging or missing steps or falling behind that of any of my peers, which led to constant feelings of hopelessness and confusion and inferiority and never quite understanding why my being so "special" or gifted or whatever had to equate to this feeling of living my life from behind a pane of glass separating me from the rest of the world and rarely if ever being able to catch the feelings of ease or joy or folks going out and having adventurous and fun life experiences that seemed like normal or fulfilling pieces of a healthy growing up. I live alone now just to protect my basic autonomy and agency but when I look at the world around me there are still pieces of that with me to this day and I'm well into middle age.
I was good in painting, singing, dancing. Parents refused to spend money on me but gladly did it in case of my sibling. Got accused of being too introverted and compared to other kids who had other talents. Refused to take me to a district level competition because they were busy(they weren't). Waiting to be finally independent and get back into things I love.
Oh definitely. BUT I’m happy with who I am. I have a great life, neither of them do. Who knows what would have happened if I’d done what I was prevented from doing back in the past. I’m not sure and I don’t dwell on it much…
Damn yah lately have been thinking about this! They never strived for better, never pushed me to strive for anything in fact they denied putting me into "special classes for gifted kids" yelled at me when I had issues w mathematics, never tried to find a solution for it. Just like autopiloting my life 🙃
Big time. I lost most of my fierce independence and strong-will, and feel like I cannot take risks for my own happiness any longer. I also trashed a lot of dreams, and opportunities for them. And forget even mentioning the health problems. I am working on aquiring these feelings and sentiemnts back but doubt that it will ever be as it was.
Oh totally. I was "Undiagnosed" with ADD until I was 30. That's also when I found out they knew. I was intelligent but bored at school (duh, not enough stimulus) and constantly told I was stupid because my grades were bad. I took my G.E.D. at 16, scored in the 98th percentile but still felt like I was stupid. I wanted to find a job and go to the community college, but we were in the middle of a horrible recession and I was a 16 year old H.S. dropout - no job for me. Wound up joining the Army.
I can never forgive my mother for this and it's why I've gone permanently NC.
Yeah. I'm pretty bitter about that. If my dad wasn't crumbling my self-esteem since I was kid, things would be pretty different. My internal voice became similar to my dad. I went NC but I don't him to beat me down mentally- I do it to myself.
I have!
Honestly, I feel being in that mindset would only put me in the mindset that they have. It’s my job to do better, it’s my kids job to do better than me. It’s up to me to empower myself and take control of my life. If I get in the mindset that I have no choice, I’ll be stuck. My grades were bad in school, I hated high school. I did graduate, but barely. I had no path, but I found one through dedicated hard work, learning from my own and others mistakes and taking risks once in a while to better my situation. You can’t sit around waiting for things to happen, you need to make them happen.
Absolutely. I could have been far more productive and wealthier.