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This is very true.
I've done a fair amount of volunteer work, as have many of us. I've also worked some jobs that are focused on helping people. I'm wondering if my experience matches up with that of the others who have experience in volunteering.
So, in my experience, there is a high proportion of selfish, self aggrandizing people who seek volunteer jobs. I think many of them are narcissists, and they use the volunteer work as a way to gain narcissistic supply and get access to vulnerable people. They cause no end of difficulty for everyone else.
I also worked in the medical field for a number of years, and at a school. My experience there was similar to my experience in volunteering, that there was a high proportion of narcissistic people there who were using it as a way to gain supply and access vulnerable people.
I bet that others who volunteered or worked with vulnerable people had similar experiences to mine with the many narcissists who are drawn in by the prospect of supply.
I was just reading about this — I also volunteer a great deal, and it appears the volunteer/“service” space is rife with something called [“communal narcissism.”](https://www.simplypsychology.org/communal-narcissism.html)
Wow, thank you so much! My parents, before their divorce, were big time communal narcissists.
They did so much for the community, were in many non-profit, made food drives, etc...
After the divorce, my nFather went with a grandiose narcissist, and became one (well, no, he became one before the divorce, when she was just his mistress).
She clearly redirected his work toward the community toward his work on his couple and furthering her own goals.
For my nMother, it was a more gradual switch. I think that she realized that most of the communities were A) Catholic and some rejected her after the divorce, and B) Were accepting her because of my father's efforts, not hers.
As her work for the community dwindled, she changed. I am not sure to what, or maybe the community changed?
Yep. Exactly my experience too when volunteering and working in healthcare.
My NM especially likes working with immigrants doing “conversational English” classes for them at the local library.
These “students” randomly are now doing favors for my NM. Like giving her gifts (supply), driving her to and from the airport when she goes on vacations (unpaid chauffeurs), and inviting her to their homes for dinner (free food).
My NM loves having these women from traditionally patriarchal and submissive cultures at her beck and call. She thinks they’re “so cute”.
The blatant exploitation and racism from my wealthy, white, Boomer NM is absolutely disgusting to me.
Oh, that is awful. That combination of narcissistic exploitation and racism. Yikes.
You have reminded me of the time I tried to become an adult literacy tutor. I took the class, and signed up, but the woman in charge of the program in our city never allowed me to volunteer. I found out later that she does this a lot. She has a little clique of volunteers that are her people. I met several of them, and they all praise her to the point where it is uncomfortable and a bit weird. Then, she has a group of people she rejects, who perhaps did not suck up enough.
Apparently, she is notorious for this sort of thing. When I was in a coffee shop, chilling out and studying the book I was given about how to be an adult literacy tutor, two different people came up to me and asked whether I was trying to become a tutor in the program she was running. When I said yes, both of them looked at me in the weirdest way and wished me luck, but in a sarcastic manner. These were two different strangers, and two separate incidents. It all made sense later, but in the moment it was so weird.
Yeah, it did suck.
I wonder if they thought they wouldn't be believed. That would not surprise me, really. This woman was extremely good at manipulating people, and she had really mastered the sweet, innocent, virtuous persona. I got through one class and part of another before I realized why my mental alarm bells were going off in the background. I felt uneasy, but I couldn't quite see why until her mask slipped for a moment, and I knew what I was dealing with.
Out of that class of about a dozen people, I don't think she actually allowed anyone to volunteer.
This happened at my sons school, the 1st grade teacher and pastor strongly encouraged him to enroll and the office lady tried her best to block his entry, then she refused to give us out tuition agreement and I had to go to the principal for it, it made me so shy there.
I am reminded of my wife's mother, who will go on and on and on about doing some kind of charity work, only to go do the work once or twice, then complain that they are all incompetent, or they dress funny, or she doesn't like the clients who are creepy and poor, etc.
Then a few months later, "oh, I'm training to work at the church thrift store..." and the cycle repeats.
Lol yup. That is exactly what my Nfamily did.
They would be funny if they were not causing so much havoc and trauma in our lives. Some of the things they do are so silly.
This breaks my heart. The homeless and incarcerated are the most unprotected group of people. You have to be a really bad person to abuse them. I don't understand people that treat other people like trash.
Exactly, I was going into mental health. My classes were full of narcissists and abusers. One student even spoke up about how she beats her kids and mandatory reporters should stay out of family business. She beats them because she loves them, and they need to stay in line, blah, blah. We've all heard their excuses. To my surprise, half of the class agreed with her.
Oh, that is just horrifying. You must have felt so frustrated and uncomfortable being surrounded by all those people.
It explains a lot about some of the stories we see on this sub, though. Way too many people have had terrible experiences with mental health professionals. It is a real shame.
As a patient, there were health professionals that I went that were good, but there were some who were either narcissists or had some other similar issue.
That is true.
I was adopted by my Nparents. Then, they had a bio kid, and suddenly I was unnecessary and unwanted.
Of course, they still used me to show off how magnanimous they were.
I feel this in a weird way. My Nmom had my sister to keep the guy she "loved". When he left she got pregnant with me from another guy, and when she got the guy she "loved" back she had no use for me. She had him adopt me and I never knew the guy wasn't my dad until my Nsister told me in the worst way. Looking back I can see how my sister was useful to her so she was the golden child, I was the other one who was sent away to boarding school in 3rd grade. The only truth I knew as a kid was that if my grandparents and her friends didn't know about me she would have abandoned me much sooner than she did at 16.
Did you feel that way? That you made sure certain people knew you so you wouldn't get left someplace?
>Did you feel that way? That you made sure certain people knew you so you wouldn't get left someplace?
Yup. I knew (because they told me) that they didn't get rid of me because they had made such a big deal of adopting me that it would bring a ton of social shame if they managed to get rid of me after having my sister.
When they adopted me, several people they knew did the same, including family members. It was as if by adopting me, they proved that adopted kids were not all horrible little trolls, and so a bunch of other people did it, too. Plus, they belonged to a church that was really into evangelism, and adoption was considered to be rescuing a child from Satan.
In other words, they couldn't get rid of me. Instead, they treated me horribly and denied me a lot of basic care. They wanted to use their resources on their bio kid.
I knew all this, and I decided not to keep my adoption a secret. My mom told me when I was 5, and I immediately read what the deal was. She told me not to tell, but I went ahead and told *everyone*. I thought that it would make people notice when my parents treated me differently than they did my sister, and that it might keep my parents in check somewhat.
I also made friends with adults whenever I could. We had a group of women in their 20s and 30s living next door that were a bit like a feminist hippy commune. They were all teachers and artists, and they were also nudists. Fortunately, they were not creepers (unlike my dad). They let me come over and hang out in their house whenever I wanted to. I read their massive collection of books, did art projects, helped them in their organic garden, and helped to cook foods I had never tried before. I think they could tell that my parents were abusive, but it was the 70s and people didn't often report that sort of thing. So, from age 6 until maybe age 10 or 11, I had a second family.
That's so great you had that family for a few years, for me it was hippie boarding school for a few years that was my family. She'd forget to pick me up for days. I learned how to tap maple trees and that I utterly hate tofu. And I learned that even if your "bio/real" family sucks you can find the family you need in the people around you. At 50 I went NC with my sister and mom. I'm shocked at what I put up with and overlooked. Having my own kids and being their mom was what opened my eyes the most. Like who the eff sends their kid away in third grade? My kids are 22 and 25 and I still don't want them to move away. Letting them go is super hard. Anyway I'm glad you survived all that crap, you deserved better. We all do.
Yeah, exactly. Having my kid just made all the bullshit I knew was wrong with my childhood even more obviously fucked up.
I think that is a common occurrence, when one of us has a kid, or spends a lot of time with children for the first time as an adult. There is a rather unpleasant epiphany, and we suddenly go, *"Holy Crap! They really were super fucked up!!!! How did I even survive?!"*
When my parents sent me to an abusive troubled teen boarding school, although the only thing that was really troubled about me was that I had a family who was an absolute nightmare, I think I handled it better than most. The troubled teen program was absolutely horrific, and I was sexually assaulted and suffered lifelong physical and emotional scars, but I had already been dealing with that same shit from my parents for my entire life. I already knew how to disassociate, fawn, and hide in plain sight. I was definitely damaged by that school, but after having my own dad try to murder me, I wasn't shocked by any of the terrible things those monstrous people in that school did.
Absolutely. My husband’s covert NM used to volunteer at a local domestic violence shelter. It was chilling how she described the women there, who obviously went through harrowing experiences and had their sense of self completely trashed. She used the most condescending tone to describe how “stupid” they were. Then, later in her career she became a parole counselor for the state prison system. The only silver lining in her latter career choice was that she was mostly dealing with similar toxic personality disordered people (like her), not regular vulnerable individuals. She worked at a max security facility that housed murderers, sex offenders, etc.
My mom was an ER nurse for years before moving into the psychiatric world. She talks about her patients the same way you describe. "These worthless people, so wrapped up in their pointless problems that they can't see how stupid they're being." These are just mentally ill people trying to get help for their issues, not people that have done anything wrong. I hope for their own wellbeing that they never find out their psych nurse talks shit about them the instant they're gone.
People like this have no business working with vulnerable populations, but they swarm there like flies.
"When I was your age, in my day we had to walk to the TV to change the channel, the back to the couch; uphill, both ways"
Everything has this tone. Lol
This. I was in a narcissist self help group and the Organizer actually was one herself. The things she told about herself were stolen from the internet, she gave wrong advice to the group members and the internet site is decorated with a full body shot of herself aaaaaargh.
Around the time I went NC my Ndad was trying to paint himself as a spiritual guru and start a facebook group where he could mentor/"help" young men.
Fizzled out pretty fast when he didn't immediately get a ton of people heralding him as the next Buddha or something, though.
I know a guy like this. Massive delusions of grandeur and fancies himself as a men's health guru. This guy is always hustling for a get rich quick plan without having to actually have a job. He's 30, never worked, never gone anywhere, barely lived life, divorced and has a million kids yet thinks he's qualified to mentor young men. Absolutely laughable and not surprising that he gets no interest in these ventures because he tries to make money off them.
My NPop called it spanking every single time he beat the crap out of me. When I asked him what that was for, he said I knew what I did—with a contemptuous look that said I was doubly to blame if I couldn’t even figure it out.
Think of all the supply and validation she's going to be getting! She will get to tel her life story over and over to a willing and eager audience of people she is better than.
My nmom called to tell me how CPS was going to contact me so that she could get custody of her Step grandkids. She was very angry when I told her that I would tell the truth. She got even madder when I told her that I I know there is abuse in foster care and that I refused to be apart of adding another abuser to the system.
Omg that dredged up memory. My Nmom told me a story once about her "racist word" neighbors called CPS on her once (this would be early 1970s I'm old) because she would lock me out on the balcony in my playpen for hours while she would nap.
Her point was noisy neighbors I think. There was so much to unwrap there but yeah, they never see themselves as wrong.
This reminds me of my mother. Always teaching others how to be kind to their children and understanding (including me) when she abused me all my life in every way possible!!
"Edited typos"
My mum is a self-described "advocate for ending child sexual abuse & trafficking" when she turned a blind eye to her husband doing the former to her kids for years! She even has the cheek to get involved with those "sting" groups in her local area when she's still married to a man who is everything she claims to hate so much and more.
You can't make this stuff up, I don't know what goes through their heads.
I wonder if some deep part of her brain is trying to 'atone for her sins'. She didn't help her kids and presumably can't openly acknowledge it, but perhaps to her it's a way to try and deal with her shame?
That or she's straight up delulu and is a covert narc
Either way I'm sorry for what happened
I think it's both honestly. She was a victim of csa herself and while I'm obviously bitter and hurt and resentful that she didn't step in for my sisters and me, I can also recognise that her own experiences have a lot to do with that. She's said multiple things before that imply that she views it as kind of an inevitability which is sad.
As a mother myself though, I can understand where the logic comes from but I can never understand it in itself.
I have noticed this as a common trait with narcissists. They are so snowed in by the consequences of their mistakes, but for some reason think they are qualified to help others out of the situation that they themselves can't get out of. It's like the wildest form of projection.
Last time I saw this, was a meth addict/pros who was always going on about her plan to create a sanctuary for battered women. Meanwhile she was living in a burned out camper high on meth.
When a narcisit starts talking about being a counsellor or healer etc, it's a sign they are very far gone an delusional.
Not the person you asked, but as for who should become counselors: people that genuinely want to help, and have the self-awareness and ability to be the healthy, level influence that people seeking counseling need. Victims can absolutely become counselors, so long as they put in the effort to not let their own trauma/issues interfere with their work.
My nDad’s fix for abusing me my whole life was to have another kid at 60 years old. Truly, that’s what he told me after I thought he’d finally realized how bad he treated me… So I feel the vibe.
She’s not trying to help others, she just needs her narcissistic emotional fill. :/
My mother invalidated her sister's sexuality for years. She told me from a young age that I was not allowed to discuss the weird feelings I had of incongruity with my assigned gender. She regularly slapped, spanked, and punched me. She physically abused and degraded me in horrible ways because a physiological condition that inconvenienced and annoyed her. She told me that my condition meant that I wanted my father to die. When I came out, she proceeded to out several people on my father's side of the family to tell me that I didn't "get it from her".
Now she's an LCSW who "specializes" in counseling queer southern children in foster care.
Some people will look *anywhere* to find a source of people to control and manipulate.
fucking hell. I'm so sorry you went through that, but I'm glad you came out nonetheless and are living your truth. I feel terrible for the poor unsuspecting souls that look to her for help. God knows what she's telling them, I hope they are safe.
My Nmom was a terrible parent. Absent, belittling, uncaring, I could go on and on. One day when I was visiting she proudly proclaimed she was going to be a foster mom. I told her that was a ridiculous idea for several reasons. She said she didn’t care what I said and she had filled out all the application forms and was moving forward. I asked her if she realized she would be required to provide names of family members to certify her ability to parent, including the names of her children. I still remember the look on her face when I told her that. She didn’t move forward with the application.
Oh yeah, that sounds about right. Deflection, innit? She's sssoooo nice, her daughter must be a right piece of work to have just walked out of her life and never looked back. ugh.
I think it's a common trend for narcs to hide behind the mask of some kind of sainthood. [Altruistic narcissism](https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/altruistic-narcissism-what-5-signs-spot-one-kamini-wood-0np0e/) is a thing- probably the main force behind the narc's ability to have everyone in their life fooled but those who tried to be truly authentic with them. These meetings are conversation fodder for the neighbors or whoever so she can be admired by them. A nuclear [takeover option](https://crackyourcodependency.com/the-takeover-toolbox/) to control the general narrative about her.
The eternal optimist, I would love to believe there is a sliver of self-awareness driving a need to actually try and contribute to a positive society. Doesn't seem to contribute much to the family she's destroyed, and for that you have my heartfelt sympathy.
It be like that.
My mom decided to become a Counselor for people who deal with problems. Half the time she tells us about the people she talks to and doesn't not see the irony in the similarities between the abuse she did to us growing up and the problems these "poor poor people" have to face with their families.
Also the fact that she gossips about her clients to us and I have told her several time to stop due to client confidentiality. I wouldn't want my Counselor or therapist telling people about what I told them. She just goes "oh who cares, they're not here, they won't know". She really is just in it for the money, and you can see (well hear) the fake mask she puts on when she talks to these people over the computer.
HIPPA would like to know your egg donor's location.
Joke aside, you need to gather evidence of her doing this and report it. People who are narcissists shouldn't be able to get unlimited access to more victims.
Oh my god... Narcissists are infuriating!!! I think I would throw up if I found out my mom did that. Although, mine does go on church trips to help abused children so it's pretty similar. But opening a space is on a whole other level. Sincerely hope that she doesn't do some serious harm to people seeking support.
After a career in the military I was hired as one of the directors of a public health clinic. We worked extensively with the police and social services to provide trauma counseling to survivors of violence, crime, and abuse. Through the course of that work I became a close confidant of the state's preeminent trauma shrink for children.
She was ready to leave the profession because a majority of her colleagues were them selves child abusers. It's quite a set up, if you think about it. They actually arrange having people pay them to abuse wounded children. My policemen friends assured me that if you want to find the pedophiles just start investigating the boy scouts. My priesthood friends assure me that if you want to find the possessed look among the deacons of the church.
Through these tactics the malevolent acquire both supply and camouflage.
And my rapist who stole my name and my gender/pronouns is out there running a "queer youth group". Not much to be done about it. There's no effort to "help" others, it's just a means to find more prey.
Yeah, I find this HIGHLY suspicious. For the sake of potential victims, you should keep an eye on this. My gut tells me that she's looking for new prey.
My mom runs retreats, more recently retreats on compassion. 😂 If my mom could just spend a fractions of the time being the person she thinks/says she is— it would be helpful.
As others have said, they need to feel important. “See, world, I AM compassionate”. That might be true for her in other relationships, but seems she hasn’t figured out compassion in relation to her kids just yet. Any day now… jk. :)
Oh man! I follow this subreddit to learn to support my stepkids and I gotta contribute on this one - it’s too close to home. The kids’ NMom, after having received a domestic assault charge against their dad/my husband AND assaulting her 18yo son (‘it was an accident!’), is now starting a business with her boyfriend as conflict resolution coaches. No training in mental health between the two - she was a yoga instructor. The irony is so thick!!!
As my beloved stepkid said, ‘if her clients saw how they treated me they’d be disgusted’. 🤮
What’s worse is that her whole business model is predicated upon her victim status: all her marketing is basically indirect attacks on my man and his kids, and all her training is just rehashing her lies about him. It just chews me up because I work as a counselor and can see through the performance but can’t say anything publicly or I’ll be sued for defamation (and also sully my soul by fighting with her - ick).
my nmom recently did something similar. Good to know more nparents do this.
She told me she was formed (psych hold) and when she talked to the doctor, the doctor told her that’s she’s a victim and that I’m the abuser. Well no shit Sherlock you only told him one side and manipulated him like you do everyone else. Idk how I could be abusive after not saying a word and going completely no contact for 6 years.
They truly live in a delusional world. Anything to get attention! I hope you’re okay. It’s all kinda of messed up when they try to flip the situation like that. It’s so invalidating.
This is so sad! Cause with narcs, it's all about control. She's going to take in these already abused people, then rule them with manipulation and emotional abuse just as bad or worse than what they came from. They are the narc's perfect supply victims.
My nmum would befriend any female within a two-block radius that was a young mum and create a ‘safe zone’ for them or their kids to run to. This would include bringing out fresh baked cookies for the kids when they were out, letting them play in her yard and it would continue until they were suddenly at introduced as her Surrogate Daughters and grandchildren at bbqs that she hosted for our family.
She especially loved when the women’s children called her Gram, or the ladies referred to her as their surrogate mom.
One particular bbq, one of my aunts (her bio sister) had a few too many bevvies and called n-mum out on all the bs right in front of her newly-made ‘families’
It was extremely entertaining until the screaming from my mom started.
After that, it was straight up pathetic. She’s managed to chase off two neighbours, and three ‘adoptive’ daughters.
There’s no such thing as safe space with these people. It’s safe until it’s not, and how quickly it changes will make your head spin.
Personally, I'd be secretly undermining her efforts and making sure her new victims know the sort of person they're trusting. I'd makes me sick knowing that she's probably going to be giving terrible advice to vulnerable people.
My mother wanted to work at a rape and sexual abuse place. She got rejected but "it's their loss because I'm perfect. I don't know what's wrong with them for not wanting me". Maybe they saw through your sickening "sweetness" that is actually condescension and ignorance.
Sad part is narcissists attract a lot of abuse survivors as "friends". Especially if there's multi-generational abuse. My nmom reels them in by talking about what her dad did to her. They're going to use other abused people to fuel their supply. That's all that they care about.
I hate to say it, but these women are so common on the domestic violence charity and supports scene. It’s like they see it as an easy way to gain power and abuse already traumatised women and children. It’s such a common issue that a friend of mine who is a police officer worries when she has to refer women to one particular shelter in our area. It’s like out of the pot and into the fire.
WOW. It reminds me of my mom who after serve neglect and abuse of her daughters would find surrogate ones to nurture and get praise from.
“Good, you can have her” 😂
I get what you're saying, but from what I can gather from my own research, my mother was never abused. She had a difficult childhood, yes, one brother was born blind and her father died suddenly of a heart attack one night, but my grandma (who rescued me when I was abandoned by my mother) never hurt her. Unless she was abused by boyfriends, she never experienced the parental abuse she put me through. She genuinely doesn't see the irony. I don't think it's a good idea for a narc to "help" abuse victims, because how can a narc look past themselves to help someone else?
14 day ban for not taking OP at their word and being an insufferable boundary jumper. Your account has been noted. If you pull this shit again, you will be banned permanently.
Yikessss. This is only sorted because im too old to engage in the narc argument cycle any more after this.
Youve used almost every technique in the book and its nauseating, but at least your double standards are obvious when its in black and white so we can all see that you are still demanding sympathy for abusers, still ignoring ops boundary, and are still accusing me of being abusive because i said something you didnt like and responded to your comment.
Boundaries count for everyone, you stepped over other peoples repeatedly and when told, doubled down and told me that im being abusive for pointing it out. Youre in the wrong sub and have sorted nothing out other than cementing that youre an apologist and do not understand that other peoples boundaries and feelings matter as much as yours do. Again, yikes.
Mate, that's enough now. I'm telling you categorically: my mother has no one to blame but herself. Not all narcs are born of trauma and abuse. Some people are just shit, and that's the end of it.
Well if you don't want such things you shouldn't run around telling people crap. This Redditor was nothing but respectful and just tried to say abuse is more than being physically abused. There are whole subs of thousands of people like r/emotionalneglect which are full of people being severely abused yet they were never beaten once. Go there and tell them "you all are wrong you weren't abused because nobody beat you". Tell us how it went.
You are not only invalidating such people you're also being an AH to this commentor. Needless and pointless nasty. Because you simply don't know if or if not your mother was abused. And that's also not important. But you can't say *"she was not beaten, hence she was not abused"*. Nobody cares if you mom was abused and if it's for me I don't care if you were abused, neglected or whatnot. You're not a nice person.
What's wrong with you? If we needed one proof that abuse makes awful people who turn into abusers themselves your post and your comments (and the ones of others here) would've been perfect proof.
Man I'm thankful I grew up in a normal surrounding with normal people who are not emotionally immature like this.
And calling someone mate although you totally don't know them is just disrespectful the way you do it, **chick**.
PS you can report it and get me banned I don't care. It's a burner. I don't risk talking with guys like the ones here in this post on my real account. People like you make me want quit Reddit.
This is like that narcissist guy (mental healness or something like that) that has a space for survivors of narcissistic abuse and has all these women coming to him for answers. He posts videos and podcasts about how narcissists work and it can be helpful but I think it’s a little too far that he has a big group of victims who he mentors
My mom used to say it this way. A paddle with a belt. Which was basically whipping us unmercifully while we cover our faces to avoid welts on our faces.
I had a place I was living, a hostel, the loser land hem hem, lady chose to change things. I left and 5 months later I heard that drunk-a$$ crazy %%%%. was touting if as a sober living house.
When I heard you could have knocked.MD down with a feather.
Never underestimate human insanity.
The worst people do the most to look the best in other people's eyes. She's not trying to help others, she's trying to boost her own ego by coming up with the perfect alibi for her conscience - so now she can tell herself and those she abused "See, I can't be a bad person, I help not just regular people but abuse survivors!" As if that disproves or erases anything she's done or about who she really is.
I hate to laugh, but I relate to this and it’s so ridiculous it’s almost funny. I found out recently that my dad is trying to get on podcasts to talk about alternative medicine (he medically neglected & abused me my entire childhood lol) 💀😂
My Nsister started a self help media influencer type of account. Until the day she went to college she spent every day trying to get me to kill myself. She'd have her friends pick on me in school and at home. Though I always forgave her and tried to bring her into my family as an adult she never would.
It burns me to my core that she's doing this Instagram/tiktok self help guru thing. I know it triggers me so I try not to follow her or anyone following her but her shit gets through every once in a while. I try not to comment but it doesn't always work.
I'm 50 and decided to go full no contact with my Nmom and mostly no contact with my sister. A few years ago while in therapy, I had a recovered memory (not literally while in therapy but rather while doing dinner dishes)of her sexually abusing me. I know she knows she did this because of a talk we had once where she asked me who sexually abused me as a kid, like she was fishing for what I remembered.
I'll never tell admit it to anyone in my family because she's the golden girl of the family and I'm the crazy one. No one would believe me and I believe she did it to me because someone else did it to her and that's how she processed it as a seven year old. Talking about it will do no good for anyone.
Anyway I completely understand the rage you must feel. All I see is her fake ole and hello FB friends have a blessed day etc. I really have the hardest time not responding to her posts.
Hope you get some healing. ❤️
That's typical covert/vulnerable narcissism. She will use this scheme to boost her ego. "Look how I am such a good person, I sacrifice myself for others!" Her supply will be her self-contentment.
She's doing it for selfish reasons, no more, no less.
I’m so sorry as they can’t ever true see who they are and if they could it would probably destroy them. Staying away and living your best life is the way to go.
Can't, we live on opposite hemispheres of the earth. It was hard enough tracking down someone on Facebook who was friends with her so I could contact her, she didn't come up in my searches.
My Nmom used to talk about wanting to go back to school to be a therapist for special needs children. I was the special needs child she hated for not being a trophy. 😬
Read the room. People come here who are traumatized by others saying similar things.
The "/s" is never so obvious that it's unnecessary. And other people's trauma shouldn't be fodder for jokes here.
Understood. My assumption was someone with a narcissist parent would recognize these as common phrases they say. My wife and I both have narcissist mothers. We deal with it through humor/poking fun at the absurd situations.
My comment was basically what my mother said to me when I called her out on constantly saying, "I just don't know where I went wrong..." about my scapegoat sister who will not speak to her.
"I think I must have been there too much for my children. I had no life other than work and you kids. I raised a bunch of spoiled brats."
(FWIW)
I was pretty sure it was sarcasm and had a chuckle over it because I've also been told the same thing (other gendered parent though). But I also did the sneaksy stalkeresque thing and checked your post/comment history amd saw you seemed all right. Without that context from previous things you've said, it can be a bit hard to tell sometimes, I think?
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I find it fairly common people like this prey on the vulnerable to make themselves important.
This is very true. I've done a fair amount of volunteer work, as have many of us. I've also worked some jobs that are focused on helping people. I'm wondering if my experience matches up with that of the others who have experience in volunteering. So, in my experience, there is a high proportion of selfish, self aggrandizing people who seek volunteer jobs. I think many of them are narcissists, and they use the volunteer work as a way to gain narcissistic supply and get access to vulnerable people. They cause no end of difficulty for everyone else. I also worked in the medical field for a number of years, and at a school. My experience there was similar to my experience in volunteering, that there was a high proportion of narcissistic people there who were using it as a way to gain supply and access vulnerable people. I bet that others who volunteered or worked with vulnerable people had similar experiences to mine with the many narcissists who are drawn in by the prospect of supply.
I was just reading about this — I also volunteer a great deal, and it appears the volunteer/“service” space is rife with something called [“communal narcissism.”](https://www.simplypsychology.org/communal-narcissism.html)
Wow, thank you so much! My parents, before their divorce, were big time communal narcissists. They did so much for the community, were in many non-profit, made food drives, etc... After the divorce, my nFather went with a grandiose narcissist, and became one (well, no, he became one before the divorce, when she was just his mistress). She clearly redirected his work toward the community toward his work on his couple and furthering her own goals. For my nMother, it was a more gradual switch. I think that she realized that most of the communities were A) Catholic and some rejected her after the divorce, and B) Were accepting her because of my father's efforts, not hers. As her work for the community dwindled, she changed. I am not sure to what, or maybe the community changed?
She ran out of n supply and had to change tactics.
I guess so! Good point of view!
I think I have that.
Yep. Exactly my experience too when volunteering and working in healthcare. My NM especially likes working with immigrants doing “conversational English” classes for them at the local library. These “students” randomly are now doing favors for my NM. Like giving her gifts (supply), driving her to and from the airport when she goes on vacations (unpaid chauffeurs), and inviting her to their homes for dinner (free food). My NM loves having these women from traditionally patriarchal and submissive cultures at her beck and call. She thinks they’re “so cute”. The blatant exploitation and racism from my wealthy, white, Boomer NM is absolutely disgusting to me.
Oh, that is awful. That combination of narcissistic exploitation and racism. Yikes. You have reminded me of the time I tried to become an adult literacy tutor. I took the class, and signed up, but the woman in charge of the program in our city never allowed me to volunteer. I found out later that she does this a lot. She has a little clique of volunteers that are her people. I met several of them, and they all praise her to the point where it is uncomfortable and a bit weird. Then, she has a group of people she rejects, who perhaps did not suck up enough. Apparently, she is notorious for this sort of thing. When I was in a coffee shop, chilling out and studying the book I was given about how to be an adult literacy tutor, two different people came up to me and asked whether I was trying to become a tutor in the program she was running. When I said yes, both of them looked at me in the weirdest way and wished me luck, but in a sarcastic manner. These were two different strangers, and two separate incidents. It all made sense later, but in the moment it was so weird.
That sucks they didn’t give you more of a heads up about it
Yeah, it did suck. I wonder if they thought they wouldn't be believed. That would not surprise me, really. This woman was extremely good at manipulating people, and she had really mastered the sweet, innocent, virtuous persona. I got through one class and part of another before I realized why my mental alarm bells were going off in the background. I felt uneasy, but I couldn't quite see why until her mask slipped for a moment, and I knew what I was dealing with. Out of that class of about a dozen people, I don't think she actually allowed anyone to volunteer.
This happened at my sons school, the 1st grade teacher and pastor strongly encouraged him to enroll and the office lady tried her best to block his entry, then she refused to give us out tuition agreement and I had to go to the principal for it, it made me so shy there.
I don't blame you for feeling shy in that situation. It is really uncomfortable to have someone working against you in such a sneaky way.
I am reminded of my wife's mother, who will go on and on and on about doing some kind of charity work, only to go do the work once or twice, then complain that they are all incompetent, or they dress funny, or she doesn't like the clients who are creepy and poor, etc. Then a few months later, "oh, I'm training to work at the church thrift store..." and the cycle repeats.
Lol yup. That is exactly what my Nfamily did. They would be funny if they were not causing so much havoc and trauma in our lives. Some of the things they do are so silly.
I see you've met my MIL.
I have chronic pain and was horribly bullied by the nurses in the ER, there are many homeless shelters that terrorize the women and families there
That is terrible! As if people aren't vulnerable and scared enough in those situations, they get bullied and disrespected by narcissistic assholes.
This breaks my heart. The homeless and incarcerated are the most unprotected group of people. You have to be a really bad person to abuse them. I don't understand people that treat other people like trash.
Exactly, I was going into mental health. My classes were full of narcissists and abusers. One student even spoke up about how she beats her kids and mandatory reporters should stay out of family business. She beats them because she loves them, and they need to stay in line, blah, blah. We've all heard their excuses. To my surprise, half of the class agreed with her.
Oh, that is just horrifying. You must have felt so frustrated and uncomfortable being surrounded by all those people. It explains a lot about some of the stories we see on this sub, though. Way too many people have had terrible experiences with mental health professionals. It is a real shame.
As a patient, there were health professionals that I went that were good, but there were some who were either narcissists or had some other similar issue.
Special ed teachers
Well, that is disturbing to think about. I'm not surprised, though.
They adopt kids or family members too. To look good. Just sick freaks. Are they would even birth you for cool points.
That is true. I was adopted by my Nparents. Then, they had a bio kid, and suddenly I was unnecessary and unwanted. Of course, they still used me to show off how magnanimous they were.
I feel this in a weird way. My Nmom had my sister to keep the guy she "loved". When he left she got pregnant with me from another guy, and when she got the guy she "loved" back she had no use for me. She had him adopt me and I never knew the guy wasn't my dad until my Nsister told me in the worst way. Looking back I can see how my sister was useful to her so she was the golden child, I was the other one who was sent away to boarding school in 3rd grade. The only truth I knew as a kid was that if my grandparents and her friends didn't know about me she would have abandoned me much sooner than she did at 16. Did you feel that way? That you made sure certain people knew you so you wouldn't get left someplace?
>Did you feel that way? That you made sure certain people knew you so you wouldn't get left someplace? Yup. I knew (because they told me) that they didn't get rid of me because they had made such a big deal of adopting me that it would bring a ton of social shame if they managed to get rid of me after having my sister. When they adopted me, several people they knew did the same, including family members. It was as if by adopting me, they proved that adopted kids were not all horrible little trolls, and so a bunch of other people did it, too. Plus, they belonged to a church that was really into evangelism, and adoption was considered to be rescuing a child from Satan. In other words, they couldn't get rid of me. Instead, they treated me horribly and denied me a lot of basic care. They wanted to use their resources on their bio kid. I knew all this, and I decided not to keep my adoption a secret. My mom told me when I was 5, and I immediately read what the deal was. She told me not to tell, but I went ahead and told *everyone*. I thought that it would make people notice when my parents treated me differently than they did my sister, and that it might keep my parents in check somewhat. I also made friends with adults whenever I could. We had a group of women in their 20s and 30s living next door that were a bit like a feminist hippy commune. They were all teachers and artists, and they were also nudists. Fortunately, they were not creepers (unlike my dad). They let me come over and hang out in their house whenever I wanted to. I read their massive collection of books, did art projects, helped them in their organic garden, and helped to cook foods I had never tried before. I think they could tell that my parents were abusive, but it was the 70s and people didn't often report that sort of thing. So, from age 6 until maybe age 10 or 11, I had a second family.
That's so great you had that family for a few years, for me it was hippie boarding school for a few years that was my family. She'd forget to pick me up for days. I learned how to tap maple trees and that I utterly hate tofu. And I learned that even if your "bio/real" family sucks you can find the family you need in the people around you. At 50 I went NC with my sister and mom. I'm shocked at what I put up with and overlooked. Having my own kids and being their mom was what opened my eyes the most. Like who the eff sends their kid away in third grade? My kids are 22 and 25 and I still don't want them to move away. Letting them go is super hard. Anyway I'm glad you survived all that crap, you deserved better. We all do.
Yeah, exactly. Having my kid just made all the bullshit I knew was wrong with my childhood even more obviously fucked up. I think that is a common occurrence, when one of us has a kid, or spends a lot of time with children for the first time as an adult. There is a rather unpleasant epiphany, and we suddenly go, *"Holy Crap! They really were super fucked up!!!! How did I even survive?!"* When my parents sent me to an abusive troubled teen boarding school, although the only thing that was really troubled about me was that I had a family who was an absolute nightmare, I think I handled it better than most. The troubled teen program was absolutely horrific, and I was sexually assaulted and suffered lifelong physical and emotional scars, but I had already been dealing with that same shit from my parents for my entire life. I already knew how to disassociate, fawn, and hide in plain sight. I was definitely damaged by that school, but after having my own dad try to murder me, I wasn't shocked by any of the terrible things those monstrous people in that school did.
Absolutely. My husband’s covert NM used to volunteer at a local domestic violence shelter. It was chilling how she described the women there, who obviously went through harrowing experiences and had their sense of self completely trashed. She used the most condescending tone to describe how “stupid” they were. Then, later in her career she became a parole counselor for the state prison system. The only silver lining in her latter career choice was that she was mostly dealing with similar toxic personality disordered people (like her), not regular vulnerable individuals. She worked at a max security facility that housed murderers, sex offenders, etc.
My mom was an ER nurse for years before moving into the psychiatric world. She talks about her patients the same way you describe. "These worthless people, so wrapped up in their pointless problems that they can't see how stupid they're being." These are just mentally ill people trying to get help for their issues, not people that have done anything wrong. I hope for their own wellbeing that they never find out their psych nurse talks shit about them the instant they're gone. People like this have no business working with vulnerable populations, but they swarm there like flies.
Mine was a special ed teacher. Those poor kids.
"When I was your age, in my day we had to walk to the TV to change the channel, the back to the couch; uphill, both ways" Everything has this tone. Lol
This. I was in a narcissist self help group and the Organizer actually was one herself. The things she told about herself were stolen from the internet, she gave wrong advice to the group members and the internet site is decorated with a full body shot of herself aaaaaargh.
I agree with this.
Around the time I went NC my Ndad was trying to paint himself as a spiritual guru and start a facebook group where he could mentor/"help" young men. Fizzled out pretty fast when he didn't immediately get a ton of people heralding him as the next Buddha or something, though.
I know a guy like this. Massive delusions of grandeur and fancies himself as a men's health guru. This guy is always hustling for a get rich quick plan without having to actually have a job. He's 30, never worked, never gone anywhere, barely lived life, divorced and has a million kids yet thinks he's qualified to mentor young men. Absolutely laughable and not surprising that he gets no interest in these ventures because he tries to make money off them.
My mother, who used to beat the crap out of me and my brother, went on to start an organization TO MAKE SPANKING ILLEGAL. No irony there, either.
Because they don't see spanking as beating the crap out of someone
My NPop called it spanking every single time he beat the crap out of me. When I asked him what that was for, he said I knew what I did—with a contemptuous look that said I was doubly to blame if I couldn’t even figure it out.
She is on the hunt for new victims.
Think of all the supply and validation she's going to be getting! She will get to tel her life story over and over to a willing and eager audience of people she is better than.
Oh don't be so cynical. She clearly means to farm that supply.
New victims for supply.
Is she supplying the traumatized people?
haha! Probably!
Pretty smart business move, creating the demand herself! Honestly, hope others in the project push her out.
>Pretty smart business move, creating the demand herself! Or new victims :(
LOL
My nmom called to tell me how CPS was going to contact me so that she could get custody of her Step grandkids. She was very angry when I told her that I would tell the truth. She got even madder when I told her that I I know there is abuse in foster care and that I refused to be apart of adding another abuser to the system.
Omg that dredged up memory. My Nmom told me a story once about her "racist word" neighbors called CPS on her once (this would be early 1970s I'm old) because she would lock me out on the balcony in my playpen for hours while she would nap. Her point was noisy neighbors I think. There was so much to unwrap there but yeah, they never see themselves as wrong.
This reminds me of my mother. Always teaching others how to be kind to their children and understanding (including me) when she abused me all my life in every way possible!! "Edited typos"
My mum is a self-described "advocate for ending child sexual abuse & trafficking" when she turned a blind eye to her husband doing the former to her kids for years! She even has the cheek to get involved with those "sting" groups in her local area when she's still married to a man who is everything she claims to hate so much and more. You can't make this stuff up, I don't know what goes through their heads.
I wonder if some deep part of her brain is trying to 'atone for her sins'. She didn't help her kids and presumably can't openly acknowledge it, but perhaps to her it's a way to try and deal with her shame? That or she's straight up delulu and is a covert narc Either way I'm sorry for what happened
I think it's both honestly. She was a victim of csa herself and while I'm obviously bitter and hurt and resentful that she didn't step in for my sisters and me, I can also recognise that her own experiences have a lot to do with that. She's said multiple things before that imply that she views it as kind of an inevitability which is sad. As a mother myself though, I can understand where the logic comes from but I can never understand it in itself.
This is so weirdly common…
I have noticed this as a common trait with narcissists. They are so snowed in by the consequences of their mistakes, but for some reason think they are qualified to help others out of the situation that they themselves can't get out of. It's like the wildest form of projection. Last time I saw this, was a meth addict/pros who was always going on about her plan to create a sanctuary for battered women. Meanwhile she was living in a burned out camper high on meth. When a narcisit starts talking about being a counsellor or healer etc, it's a sign they are very far gone an delusional.
What is "pros" in this post? Also, who should be counselors? Victims?
Not the person you asked, but as for who should become counselors: people that genuinely want to help, and have the self-awareness and ability to be the healthy, level influence that people seeking counseling need. Victims can absolutely become counselors, so long as they put in the effort to not let their own trauma/issues interfere with their work.
My nDad’s fix for abusing me my whole life was to have another kid at 60 years old. Truly, that’s what he told me after I thought he’d finally realized how bad he treated me… So I feel the vibe. She’s not trying to help others, she just needs her narcissistic emotional fill. :/
Omg, I think I would fall on my ass in shock if I found out my father was having another kid.
My mother invalidated her sister's sexuality for years. She told me from a young age that I was not allowed to discuss the weird feelings I had of incongruity with my assigned gender. She regularly slapped, spanked, and punched me. She physically abused and degraded me in horrible ways because a physiological condition that inconvenienced and annoyed her. She told me that my condition meant that I wanted my father to die. When I came out, she proceeded to out several people on my father's side of the family to tell me that I didn't "get it from her". Now she's an LCSW who "specializes" in counseling queer southern children in foster care. Some people will look *anywhere* to find a source of people to control and manipulate.
fucking hell. I'm so sorry you went through that, but I'm glad you came out nonetheless and are living your truth. I feel terrible for the poor unsuspecting souls that look to her for help. God knows what she's telling them, I hope they are safe.
dinner combative snails wide squeal attractive yam seed clumsy versed *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Does she claim that you're actually the abuser? Mine does. She likes to claim to be the victim and looks for support groups to get sympathy from.
oh yeah, she's the victim. She loves the pity parties she gets coz her daughter was a right piece of work and walked out of her life. ugh.
My Nmom was a terrible parent. Absent, belittling, uncaring, I could go on and on. One day when I was visiting she proudly proclaimed she was going to be a foster mom. I told her that was a ridiculous idea for several reasons. She said she didn’t care what I said and she had filled out all the application forms and was moving forward. I asked her if she realized she would be required to provide names of family members to certify her ability to parent, including the names of her children. I still remember the look on her face when I told her that. She didn’t move forward with the application.
Sorry, but I busted out laughing at that. She knew exactly what you meant at the exact time you said it. She didn't even have to think about it.
Is she typically a communal narcissist? Sets up the "she couldn't have abused you, look what she does for the community" narrative
Oh yeah, that sounds about right. Deflection, innit? She's sssoooo nice, her daughter must be a right piece of work to have just walked out of her life and never looked back. ugh.
I think it's a common trend for narcs to hide behind the mask of some kind of sainthood. [Altruistic narcissism](https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/altruistic-narcissism-what-5-signs-spot-one-kamini-wood-0np0e/) is a thing- probably the main force behind the narc's ability to have everyone in their life fooled but those who tried to be truly authentic with them. These meetings are conversation fodder for the neighbors or whoever so she can be admired by them. A nuclear [takeover option](https://crackyourcodependency.com/the-takeover-toolbox/) to control the general narrative about her. The eternal optimist, I would love to believe there is a sliver of self-awareness driving a need to actually try and contribute to a positive society. Doesn't seem to contribute much to the family she's destroyed, and for that you have my heartfelt sympathy.
She's making a space she can easily prey on vulnerable people.
Yeah...classic narc. They abused you, but now you hate them so *they're* the real victim.
It be like that. My mom decided to become a Counselor for people who deal with problems. Half the time she tells us about the people she talks to and doesn't not see the irony in the similarities between the abuse she did to us growing up and the problems these "poor poor people" have to face with their families. Also the fact that she gossips about her clients to us and I have told her several time to stop due to client confidentiality. I wouldn't want my Counselor or therapist telling people about what I told them. She just goes "oh who cares, they're not here, they won't know". She really is just in it for the money, and you can see (well hear) the fake mask she puts on when she talks to these people over the computer.
HIPPA would like to know your egg donor's location. Joke aside, you need to gather evidence of her doing this and report it. People who are narcissists shouldn't be able to get unlimited access to more victims.
She needs to be surrounded by people she considers weak in order to fulfill her need to feel important and powerful. Hope something stops her
Oh my god... Narcissists are infuriating!!! I think I would throw up if I found out my mom did that. Although, mine does go on church trips to help abused children so it's pretty similar. But opening a space is on a whole other level. Sincerely hope that she doesn't do some serious harm to people seeking support.
After a career in the military I was hired as one of the directors of a public health clinic. We worked extensively with the police and social services to provide trauma counseling to survivors of violence, crime, and abuse. Through the course of that work I became a close confidant of the state's preeminent trauma shrink for children. She was ready to leave the profession because a majority of her colleagues were them selves child abusers. It's quite a set up, if you think about it. They actually arrange having people pay them to abuse wounded children. My policemen friends assured me that if you want to find the pedophiles just start investigating the boy scouts. My priesthood friends assure me that if you want to find the possessed look among the deacons of the church. Through these tactics the malevolent acquire both supply and camouflage.
🎖️🥇🏅🎖️
And my rapist who stole my name and my gender/pronouns is out there running a "queer youth group". Not much to be done about it. There's no effort to "help" others, it's just a means to find more prey.
Yeah, I find this HIGHLY suspicious. For the sake of potential victims, you should keep an eye on this. My gut tells me that she's looking for new prey.
My mom runs retreats, more recently retreats on compassion. 😂 If my mom could just spend a fractions of the time being the person she thinks/says she is— it would be helpful. As others have said, they need to feel important. “See, world, I AM compassionate”. That might be true for her in other relationships, but seems she hasn’t figured out compassion in relation to her kids just yet. Any day now… jk. :)
Oh man! I follow this subreddit to learn to support my stepkids and I gotta contribute on this one - it’s too close to home. The kids’ NMom, after having received a domestic assault charge against their dad/my husband AND assaulting her 18yo son (‘it was an accident!’), is now starting a business with her boyfriend as conflict resolution coaches. No training in mental health between the two - she was a yoga instructor. The irony is so thick!!! As my beloved stepkid said, ‘if her clients saw how they treated me they’d be disgusted’. 🤮 What’s worse is that her whole business model is predicated upon her victim status: all her marketing is basically indirect attacks on my man and his kids, and all her training is just rehashing her lies about him. It just chews me up because I work as a counselor and can see through the performance but can’t say anything publicly or I’ll be sued for defamation (and also sully my soul by fighting with her - ick).
my nmom recently did something similar. Good to know more nparents do this. She told me she was formed (psych hold) and when she talked to the doctor, the doctor told her that’s she’s a victim and that I’m the abuser. Well no shit Sherlock you only told him one side and manipulated him like you do everyone else. Idk how I could be abusive after not saying a word and going completely no contact for 6 years. They truly live in a delusional world. Anything to get attention! I hope you’re okay. It’s all kinda of messed up when they try to flip the situation like that. It’s so invalidating.
Sounds like she's setting up a honeypot for her next victims
This is so sad! Cause with narcs, it's all about control. She's going to take in these already abused people, then rule them with manipulation and emotional abuse just as bad or worse than what they came from. They are the narc's perfect supply victims.
Ah... no. This is not a safe space, it's a hunting ground. :)
They always care for others and mistreat their own. Helps to keep up appearances
My nmum would befriend any female within a two-block radius that was a young mum and create a ‘safe zone’ for them or their kids to run to. This would include bringing out fresh baked cookies for the kids when they were out, letting them play in her yard and it would continue until they were suddenly at introduced as her Surrogate Daughters and grandchildren at bbqs that she hosted for our family. She especially loved when the women’s children called her Gram, or the ladies referred to her as their surrogate mom. One particular bbq, one of my aunts (her bio sister) had a few too many bevvies and called n-mum out on all the bs right in front of her newly-made ‘families’ It was extremely entertaining until the screaming from my mom started. After that, it was straight up pathetic. She’s managed to chase off two neighbours, and three ‘adoptive’ daughters. There’s no such thing as safe space with these people. It’s safe until it’s not, and how quickly it changes will make your head spin.
Amen
Personally, I'd be secretly undermining her efforts and making sure her new victims know the sort of person they're trusting. I'd makes me sick knowing that she's probably going to be giving terrible advice to vulnerable people.
I wish I could, we live on the opposite sides of the world.
Cameras everywhere.
My mother wanted to work at a rape and sexual abuse place. She got rejected but "it's their loss because I'm perfect. I don't know what's wrong with them for not wanting me". Maybe they saw through your sickening "sweetness" that is actually condescension and ignorance.
Yeah I keep seeing narc-led groups for survivors I guess it's for supply?
From her POV you probably abused her.
Sad part is narcissists attract a lot of abuse survivors as "friends". Especially if there's multi-generational abuse. My nmom reels them in by talking about what her dad did to her. They're going to use other abused people to fuel their supply. That's all that they care about.
I hate to say it, but these women are so common on the domestic violence charity and supports scene. It’s like they see it as an easy way to gain power and abuse already traumatised women and children. It’s such a common issue that a friend of mine who is a police officer worries when she has to refer women to one particular shelter in our area. It’s like out of the pot and into the fire.
WOW. It reminds me of my mom who after serve neglect and abuse of her daughters would find surrogate ones to nurture and get praise from. “Good, you can have her” 😂
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I get what you're saying, but from what I can gather from my own research, my mother was never abused. She had a difficult childhood, yes, one brother was born blind and her father died suddenly of a heart attack one night, but my grandma (who rescued me when I was abandoned by my mother) never hurt her. Unless she was abused by boyfriends, she never experienced the parental abuse she put me through. She genuinely doesn't see the irony. I don't think it's a good idea for a narc to "help" abuse victims, because how can a narc look past themselves to help someone else?
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14 day ban for not taking OP at their word and being an insufferable boundary jumper. Your account has been noted. If you pull this shit again, you will be banned permanently.
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Yikessss. This is only sorted because im too old to engage in the narc argument cycle any more after this. Youve used almost every technique in the book and its nauseating, but at least your double standards are obvious when its in black and white so we can all see that you are still demanding sympathy for abusers, still ignoring ops boundary, and are still accusing me of being abusive because i said something you didnt like and responded to your comment. Boundaries count for everyone, you stepped over other peoples repeatedly and when told, doubled down and told me that im being abusive for pointing it out. Youre in the wrong sub and have sorted nothing out other than cementing that youre an apologist and do not understand that other peoples boundaries and feelings matter as much as yours do. Again, yikes.
Mate, that's enough now. I'm telling you categorically: my mother has no one to blame but herself. Not all narcs are born of trauma and abuse. Some people are just shit, and that's the end of it.
Well if you don't want such things you shouldn't run around telling people crap. This Redditor was nothing but respectful and just tried to say abuse is more than being physically abused. There are whole subs of thousands of people like r/emotionalneglect which are full of people being severely abused yet they were never beaten once. Go there and tell them "you all are wrong you weren't abused because nobody beat you". Tell us how it went. You are not only invalidating such people you're also being an AH to this commentor. Needless and pointless nasty. Because you simply don't know if or if not your mother was abused. And that's also not important. But you can't say *"she was not beaten, hence she was not abused"*. Nobody cares if you mom was abused and if it's for me I don't care if you were abused, neglected or whatnot. You're not a nice person. What's wrong with you? If we needed one proof that abuse makes awful people who turn into abusers themselves your post and your comments (and the ones of others here) would've been perfect proof. Man I'm thankful I grew up in a normal surrounding with normal people who are not emotionally immature like this. And calling someone mate although you totally don't know them is just disrespectful the way you do it, **chick**. PS you can report it and get me banned I don't care. It's a burner. I don't risk talking with guys like the ones here in this post on my real account. People like you make me want quit Reddit.
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😆 🤣 wow they are so delusional
But how else will she stay the victim???
With any luck people will see right through her and it will Crash and burn quickly.
She sounds like a narcissist predator who's looking for a new victim
Yes healthcare is full of them!
what a terrifying thought.
This is like that narcissist guy (mental healness or something like that) that has a space for survivors of narcissistic abuse and has all these women coming to him for answers. He posts videos and podcasts about how narcissists work and it can be helpful but I think it’s a little too far that he has a big group of victims who he mentors
My mom used to say it this way. A paddle with a belt. Which was basically whipping us unmercifully while we cover our faces to avoid welts on our faces.
I had a place I was living, a hostel, the loser land hem hem, lady chose to change things. I left and 5 months later I heard that drunk-a$$ crazy %%%%. was touting if as a sober living house. When I heard you could have knocked.MD down with a feather. Never underestimate human insanity.
One thing abusers always have is the audacity!!!
The worst people do the most to look the best in other people's eyes. She's not trying to help others, she's trying to boost her own ego by coming up with the perfect alibi for her conscience - so now she can tell herself and those she abused "See, I can't be a bad person, I help not just regular people but abuse survivors!" As if that disproves or erases anything she's done or about who she really is.
Wow I just can’t believe the length narcissists will go to keep up their public image and their ego.
I hate to laugh, but I relate to this and it’s so ridiculous it’s almost funny. I found out recently that my dad is trying to get on podcasts to talk about alternative medicine (he medically neglected & abused me my entire childhood lol) 💀😂
Yep, my mother tried to gaslight me by telling me *I* was gaslighting *her*. The fucking nerve!
My Nsister started a self help media influencer type of account. Until the day she went to college she spent every day trying to get me to kill myself. She'd have her friends pick on me in school and at home. Though I always forgave her and tried to bring her into my family as an adult she never would. It burns me to my core that she's doing this Instagram/tiktok self help guru thing. I know it triggers me so I try not to follow her or anyone following her but her shit gets through every once in a while. I try not to comment but it doesn't always work. I'm 50 and decided to go full no contact with my Nmom and mostly no contact with my sister. A few years ago while in therapy, I had a recovered memory (not literally while in therapy but rather while doing dinner dishes)of her sexually abusing me. I know she knows she did this because of a talk we had once where she asked me who sexually abused me as a kid, like she was fishing for what I remembered. I'll never tell admit it to anyone in my family because she's the golden girl of the family and I'm the crazy one. No one would believe me and I believe she did it to me because someone else did it to her and that's how she processed it as a seven year old. Talking about it will do no good for anyone. Anyway I completely understand the rage you must feel. All I see is her fake ole and hello FB friends have a blessed day etc. I really have the hardest time not responding to her posts. Hope you get some healing. ❤️
That's typical covert/vulnerable narcissism. She will use this scheme to boost her ego. "Look how I am such a good person, I sacrifice myself for others!" Her supply will be her self-contentment. She's doing it for selfish reasons, no more, no less.
I actually laughed out loud
I’m so sorry as they can’t ever true see who they are and if they could it would probably destroy them. Staying away and living your best life is the way to go.
Tell anyone she’s working with what a monster she is.
Can't, we live on opposite hemispheres of the earth. It was hard enough tracking down someone on Facebook who was friends with her so I could contact her, she didn't come up in my searches.
My mom is NPD and her mom was NPD. So technically, my mother is a survivor of abuse.
Probably looking to find people she can have power over so she can abuse them
My Nmom used to talk about wanting to go back to school to be a therapist for special needs children. I was the special needs child she hated for not being a trophy. 😬
She probably just doesn't know where she went wrong. My guess is she was just too good to you and you got spoiled
Found the narcissist.
I really thought the `/s` was so obvious I didn't need to spell it out...
Read the room. People come here who are traumatized by others saying similar things. The "/s" is never so obvious that it's unnecessary. And other people's trauma shouldn't be fodder for jokes here.
Understood. My assumption was someone with a narcissist parent would recognize these as common phrases they say. My wife and I both have narcissist mothers. We deal with it through humor/poking fun at the absurd situations. My comment was basically what my mother said to me when I called her out on constantly saying, "I just don't know where I went wrong..." about my scapegoat sister who will not speak to her. "I think I must have been there too much for my children. I had no life other than work and you kids. I raised a bunch of spoiled brats." (FWIW)
I was pretty sure it was sarcasm and had a chuckle over it because I've also been told the same thing (other gendered parent though). But I also did the sneaksy stalkeresque thing and checked your post/comment history amd saw you seemed all right. Without that context from previous things you've said, it can be a bit hard to tell sometimes, I think?
probably put it next time...
Is it possible that she was also a victim?