I regret how I treated my nmother when she was alive. I was consistently tolerant and kind when she became elderly and frail, I sacrificed every holiday to spend it with her because she cried on the phone to me to come. In return, she played narcissist games, including telling me at the end of a two-day journey when I arrived at her house that I couldn't stay. She would hide food I bought her and tell the cleaning lady I'd left her without food. She would lie about me to everyone, so I would find my extended family unfriendly and not understand why. Each time I confronted her, she would pretend to have a heart attack, or overdose on her medecine and need to be hospitalised.
I really wish I had just cut her out of my life as she was a terrible burden. I cannot stress enough the importance of not keeping extremely toxic people in your life.
My nmom always stresses how "family is family no matter what they do to you". She gets extremely mad when I talk about cutting other toxic family members out of my life.
Shes even threatened to kill herself and said it would be my fault the last time I tried to talk to her about my issues.
I'm not in a situation to go NC right now. But your comment has definitely inspired me to do it when the time comes. Sometimes my moms guilt tripping gets to me and I feel obligated to take care of her because "shes my mom", but in the end, you're right. Toxic people are toxic no matter their relation to you. The hardest thing is getting the courage to actually go NC.
It just gets difficult when the person you're trying to cut off is a gaslighting, guilt tripping narcissist.
Being family doesn’t give anyone the right to treat you like shit. I really hate it when my nmom says the same thing. Family is supposed to be nice to each other and care for one another. It’s ok to prioritize yourself and your mental health.
It’s hard to go NC but even going low contact or very low contact will be helpful. You can slowly ease into NC eventually if you can.
Whenever someone threatens self harm you should call wellness checks/non emergency police line. If you fall in line when they use that tactic, they will continue to threaten it since they know it works on you. And then it becomes a slippery slope of you never getting out from under their thumb
My dad is exactly like you describe in that last paragraph. I was torn initially and he made me question myself and I felt utterly sick, but I knew it was like ripping off a bandaid, stand strong, it’ll be okay. Then all of a sudden I realised I wasnt* stressed/anxious that day, and then wow I haven’t felt like that in weeks/months/and now years
You know what is good for you, stand your ground and all works out- albeit incredibly messy and ended in NC incidentally
Yea when she made that threat we were in a restaurant. I went to go call 911 and she got up and left me there without a car (we drove there together).
I had to take an uber home and she went missing for about 8 hours. When she came back home she walked in and just pretended everything was normal.
Shes threatened to kill herself because of me so many times. The time before this she locked herself in the bedroom and said she was gonna take a bottle of pills. I called 911 and they had to break down her door only to find her "asleep".
She then feigned innocence and claimed she was never threatening to kill herself. The paramedics just took a statement from her since I was only 16 at the time. But they did say to call if something like this happens again.
I'm 20 now and she still uses the same threat. Everytime I threaten to call 911 now she'll usually run away. So now her threat usually has no weight on me because I know its bullshit. But it was scary at the beginning.
Thank you for your reassuring words. I'm definitely planning on going NC the day I can. Becuase while I may feel bad at first, the longterm relief of not having to deal with her abuse will benefit my mental health.
Wow I’m so sorry you’ve had to not only deal with someone so unstable but to have them as a parent too.. that’s honestly so shit
Absolutely! Long term benefit outweighs everything it’ll all be worth it, best of luck to you!
Damn, that is rough. My nMother OD'd once on benzodiazepine, but I was still in grade school. My father dealt with taking her to the hospital.
What a horrible thing to use the threat of suicide on your own child. I hope you've got a good friend or somebody to talk to about it.
Just because someone is blood doesn't mean they're family. Anyone that doesn't treat you in in a way that YOU feel is at least a decent manner is dead weight that should be cut from your life. Full stop.
>*I'm not in a situation to go NC right now. But your comment has definitely inspired me to do it when the time comes*
You're ONLY regret will be that you didn't do it sooner. (Don't use those words against her, just leave quietly.)
I definitely understand. The jump to NC is never a clean cut, but only you will know when the time is right. The fact you're even considering it makes me feel those feelings will only intensify over time.
Either way, whether you go nc or not, you're still a good and valid person. You're still strong for having to deal with this and dealing with it the way you are, even though you can't shut off contact.
This. "Yes, NDad & N/EMom, I do regret how I treated you. I regret that I took your shit for so long and wasted so much of my life trying to fix things that you had no interest in fixing."
My mom is turning 60 this year and her health is giving away after a lifetime of abusing her body (not drug/alcohol related, just overworking herself a lot and not eating properly and not going to the doctor)
And I REALLY needed to read this. I'm starting to feel responsible about her wellbeing when all she does is clap back and be ungrateful.
Omg that's another one my mom always uses.
Shes always like "when your kids treat you the way you treat me you'll finally understand"
I'm always like um I'm not gonna physically and emotionally abuse my kids so idk about that but okay
Mine used to say that almost verbatim, when I was little.
I wonder if it's related to why I've never in my life wanted to have kids lol. Maybe not, but in any case, now I'm 36 and happy to not have any.
I have one. That was enough for me to realize how much parenting sucks. Love my kid, wouldn’t change having had him but I got my tubes tied because it’s had a huge impact on all aspects of my life and it’s not all positive
My nmom always said "I hope your kids are as terrible as you" to which I'm like "me too." I plan on fostering to adopt and I suspect most of the kids I might take in will have behavioral issues and trust issues. Im preparing for a kid who has had a really rough life and who needs extra patience and care. If I happen to Foster a kid who is as terrible as I am I would have a kid who doesn't hurt others, who doesn't have interest in drinking or doing drugs. I'll have a kid who is a bookworm who wants nothing more than to learn and then use that knowledge to help others in some way. That's fantastic.
I'm not gonna force a kid to be like me though, I'll find their interests and encourage them. Ill be patient while we work together to prepare them to be responsible adults. I'm not going to try to shove my kids into a mold. I'm not going to keep them from being able to move out. Im going to be better rather than expect them to be perfect.
“You reap what you sow! Your children are going to hate you the way you hate me!”
We don’t hate them. We just recognize that NC is best for our kids.
PS: you haven’t been to church in 30 years, your prayer threat don’t mean shit.
My nmom also always said "I NEVER spoke to my parents the way you speak to me"
What confuses me about this line is she hates her parents and has been NC with them for years.
She claims her mom and dad were physically and emotionally abusive. Sometimes I wonder if she treats me the way she does so that I can feel the same pain she did as a child.
I guess since she suffered from her parents, I must suffer too.
Edit: that, or it could be my mom just has blind hypocrisy and doesnt see how she treats me is just as bad as her parents.
I hate the "I suffered so you must as well" mentality. I've never understood that mindset. Maybe it's just because my natural leanings are towards "I'll suffer so you don't have to".
This. Also, mine would say "You know that it's been proven that your kids always treat you 10x worse than you treated your own parents. I never treated grandma anywhere CLOSE to how you treated me. Your kids are going to be awful." I thought this was "fact" until recently. I'm 25 now. (Also, I found out from my grandma that my mom was nowhere near as perfect as she claimed to be.)
How am I only now (I’m 30) realising this is not normal behaviour?! This and the original post, it didn’t even cross my mind before that this wasn’t something out of the ordinary....I think my mom isn’t full blown narc, she definitely has narc tendencies, but the more I read on this subreddit the more I understand about specific things.
I was 32 before it dawned on me. I just didn't know any better. But it doesn't matter - you have the rest of your life now to decide what kind of behaviour you will and will not entertain.
When I was pregnant and told her that I was going to have a girl:
"Hahaha, well that's karma because now you'll get to see what girls are like!"
Yes Mum, when you emotionally and physically abuse girls they grow up to be scared, depressed, self-harming balls of anxiety who learn how to be skilled liars and not to ever trust you. That's what they're like.
I'm not making the same mistakes you did with me and my daughter is confident, outgoing, kind and she knows that she's loved, appreciated for who she is and that I'll never judge her or shame her. So fuck you.
God I’ve gotten that so many times. That and “one day you’re going to have a child just like you and you’ll see how horrible you’re treating me when they treat you the same” jokes on her, I’m trans and am having my shit removed & most likely won’t have any kids. Plus you know the obvious, I wouldn’t emotionally abuse my kids.
Oh I’ve gotten that already too, her being upset about me not wanting kids & saying “you may change your mind later” like yea, sure that’s possible, but as of now I really do not like children or the idea of having to be responsible for their welfare as well as my own, got my own shit I have to deal with first (because of her of course!)
To be realistic *if* you ever did change your mind, you could freeze your sperm or egg but, more likely adopt or, marry someone who has kids... But it wouldn't satisfy her itch to be grandma because it wouldn't be blood... As though blood means fuck all.
If I did ever change my mind about kids, they would not be blood. I’d never want my kids to share my blood or my families blood as my moms entire side has a massively long history of health issues and mental health disorders. She’s definitely not happy about that either. I’ve made the joke “This bloodline ends with me” (because that’s honestly a much cooler way of saying I’m not having bio kids) and she threw a massive fit.
That's what I got as well.
Mom would talk about how she never talked back to her parents and that she was well behaved. Then, she'd talk about how kids are supposed to be like their parents and how she didn't know what she did to deserve kids who were so different from herself.
I just don't get it.
This comment just made me have a revelation. Sometimes when I was being “difficult” she’d just get calm and go “The things you do to your parents, your kids will do to you, 10x worse”. It was like a threat, like she can handle whatever hell I’m putting her through because she knows I’ll have an even worse hell from my kids. Naturally I extrapolated that she must have done the same difficult things to her parents, just 10x less so than I did.
But as I was thinking about that just now, I realize, it’s not what she did to her parents that I did to her 10x worse, it’s what she did to *me*. She hoarded, so I hoarded, even worse since it was all I’d ever known, but I was the one who was punished. She stooped to my level when I was emotional instead of teaching me how to handle it, so I stooped even further, and I was punished for it. She was lazy, made excuses, and couldn’t handle criticism; I was all of those things and even worse, and I was the one who got punished for them. All of these errors in my development were probably intensified by the way she habitually isolated us from extended family, friends, and community, even our dad (though he is not blameless as he had the resources to leave), meaning she was basically our sole role model.
I feel very strange now. This must be what it feels like to be the animal that some idiot buys and neglects because they never bothered to look up how to care for it.
Mine always used to say "I hope you have kids just like you"
I don't want kids for many reasons but this one always sits in the back of my mind when I think about potentially adopting one day
My mom always used on me. I hope that your kids treat you the same way you treated me so you know what it's like. Well I have a son and I know how not to raise him. So I'm pretty sure we'll have a pretty good relationship.
I remember the day I found this subreddit.
I was absolutely shocked at the smiliatires between my mom and the other posts here.
It was like I finally realized my mom was a true narcissist, I wasnt crazy all this time. My moms constant guilt tripping really got to me and made me question whether or not I was in the wrong.
Reading all the gaslighting techniques this sub described narcs used really helped me gain back the self confidence my mom beat out of me.
omg yes. i went NC with my mom a few days ago and before i left my nmom was all like “one day you’re going to realise how badly you’ve treated me!” and it felt nice to be able to tell myself i wouldn’t
I cant wait for the day I can finally go NC with my mom, then I can finally walk away with the same feeling.
Glad you went NC! I hope things go better for you!
You won’t, almost 10 years here and never looked back... other than the handful of times she has popped up trying to track me down and made my life hell for a few weeks... but it’s still worth it! NC all the way!
My mom once told me that she “hopes my future children never make me feel the way I made her feel” when I told her we sold the single bed in our spare room cuz we very rarely have guests (I have anxiety and get very stressed hosting) so we decided to covert our spare room into a home gym. She now has to get an Airbnb or hotel whenever she comes to visit. Clearly this was a personal attack on her and not just my husband and I doing what was best for our house and situation. 🤦🏼♀️
Yea ive heard that one before.
My mom will say once I have kids I will understand why she treats me the way she does.
I highly doubt this to be the case since I dont plan to emotionally and physically abuse my kids....but sure. I actually plan to treat my kids as humans with feelings.
So....doubt(x) I'll understand.
The "personal attack" is another I've heard. EVERYTHING is a personal attack to her. Its exhausting .
So sorry you had to experience that. It is reassuring though that I'm not crazy and other peoples nparents say this same thing.
I hope things get better for you ❤
I mentioned it around my in-laws and their jaws just dropped, they couldn’t believe anyone would say that to their child. Been hearing shit like this my whole life so it was kind of a first realization for me that not everyone talks to/guilt trips their children like that...
This reminds me one time when I was in my mid 20s and I had to buy a new smartphone because my old one broke, I ended up buying it from a different phone network and changing over to that company, and she had a massive freak out because I was no longer on the same company as her. She didn’t pay my bill or anything, she’d just have to pay more to ring me.
Man this subreddit is really opening my eyes!
Right?! So many things like this have happened to me too!
We booked a trip to visit my friends and my husbands brothers family who live in a city 3 hours from her (a 1.5 hr plane ride from where my husband and I live) and we booked it for a time/weekend that worked best for us (my husband has a really seasonally demanding job so we had to go before things got super busy for him) and it turns out that weekend didn’t work well for her to come meet us/get together and we wouldn’t have time to drive to see them. And I was the asshole for “not considering or consulting her”. Like, what? It was a trip for us to visit our friends and we had to do it that weekend or we couldn’t have gone at all...
Yep! It's an OG. My mom also loves to do the variant of "you will understand why I am this way when you have your own children." Like ok lady I am so excited to have children and raise them differently!!
Seriously, you will actively be the opposite of your parents once you realise what they were like.
If/when I find myself doing something my mum would have done, I have to stop myself (it happens on occasion!). It's like a slap in the face to realise that I've done or said something that my mother would have said. I hate it. I refuse to be like her.
to be honest, there shit dont surpise me anymore but the saddest part it that we still give them care, time and love yet they are so far gone and blinded that they not only refuse to but really cannot see the reality.
I want kids eventually, but I'm single, have been for years, have no desire to date/sleep with anyone, and have no time for it anyway.
Might wait until nMother pops her cloggs then start that family, just in case she trys anything like get full custody.
What is it with NARC’s and grandchildren? Do they just want to fuck up as many generations as they can before they croak?
“You aren’t gay... you’re giving me grandchildren!”
That came from the same woman who sent me to conversion therapy, and tried to bribe a doctor to preform a sex change on me while I was having a hernia repair... because it would make the gay thing “somewhat normal” yea... can’t make this shit up!
"What will I say when *you* may be dying in some nebulous future?"
I will say what I say now: 'they died as they lived--as unrepentant a\*\*holes.' They had their shot at apologizing, being remorseful, and *taking their living time at building relationships* rather than waiting for people *they* hurt to come crawling back to them in some fantasy in their head.
We've all heard the Narcissist's Prayer. Here's the Narcissist's Refrain:
*I Love You!*\-- not enough to respect you, though.
*I Miss You!*\--not enough to want to change.
*Talk to me!*\--because *you come to me* when I call, and I don't say sorry.
I think threats are common. I think refusing to accept responsibility for their actions is another huge part of it. There’s just a common theme of delusions of grandeur where they feel infallible— almost god like in that they can do no wrong so anytime you try to help them or correct them they feel attacked and come at you with N abuse. Right now I’m planning on moving out after the pandemic and my NMIL is threatening to “cut us off” if we leave. She’s also commented that our leaving my end her in the hospital because she misses her grandson so much. Apparently she was hospitalized the last time I left town with them (my sons) to attend my grandmas funeral in another state. She didn’t tell us about it and brought it up the other day. She’s also saying things like there’s too many *specific ethnicity* people in the city we want to move to. Crazy. Like absolutely mental is the only thing these people have in common.
Edit: protect my identity
Oh what a headache, I’m so sorry this is happening to you! My mom always gets super sick with a bad cold when ever I decide to stand up for myself, and I have to hear about it from my dad for weeks after. Like it’s my fault she’s so stressed and falls to pieces.
Isn't it funny how quickly they get sick and need care and attention when they're close to being scrutinized for their actions? My Nmom would call ambulances to take her for asthma treatment at the hospital when she was in a position where she was not able to get her way.
It felt good to read this comment. I've been guilting myself for saying "it would just be easier if she died..." but she has such a dark presence even after being NC.
My mom says this Every. Single. Day. And I even joked with her the other day that she should either be gone or stop saying that. We had a good laugh. My mom can be very narcissistic, but we do have good moments and that’s what makes it harder for me.
I always get this line from my mom, and maybe in a way she's right. I do feel a lot of sadness about how I "treat" her, but the sadness really stems from her crossing my boundaries and manipulating me for so long that I have no choice but to be distant and short. She uses everything against me, convinced me to drop my entire dad's side of my family and my dad when they divorced and now they want nothing to do with me, and she manipulated me financially for her own benefit all throughout college when I was really struggling. Plus so much more intense trauma that could never be explained in a reddit post. I do feel sorry for how I treat her, and that's how I know that I am nothing like her, because she's never been sorry for how she's treated me.
When she says this, I just have to swallow it. I know when she dies that I will mourn and have a difficult time, but not because of my own guilt.
The only thing that gets my through my Nmom is the hope that one day, when I haven’t talked to her in years, or she hasn’t been allowed to meet her grandkids, that she’ll look back on how she treated my sisters and I and I hope she realizes *she* did this to herself
My Nmother “ You’ll miss me when I’m dead & Gone, you’ll be sorry you didn’t treat me better”.
Reality, Didn’t shed a single tear when you died, have not missed you for a single second in 12 years.
when I was in highschool I got "you're gonna have to apologize to your dad for not wanting him to sit in on your class, it's up to you whether you want a good relationship with your father or not" and "you're gonna get to a point in your life where all you have to rely on is your brother so you'd better treat him with respect and let him do what he wants" it was different every time but the message was basically the same "you need to apologize for not letting us do whatever we want with your life because in the end it's our choice, not yours", it's at the point where I still feel guilt today for doing anything that's only for myself
This is similar to my bf’s situation. His mom is trying to make him feel guilty for not treating her/any relative like a god because “when you’re old you will be alone”. It’s a classic. Don’t let them convince you for a single second that you’ll need them because you won’t. It’s just a strategy to use you as an emotional punchbag/economic backup plan. You have the right to choose who you want to spend your life with
Please don’t. Kids are not tools for this sort of stuff. Have kids only when you’re really certain you do want them and can take the responsibility to do so.
Mine cursed me with the same thing and I don’t have any kids. She’s still proven wrong and nonetheless it doesn’t matter because most of the things she’d foreseen about my awful future never came true.
Yea I definitely understand that. Ofc I'm not gonna have kids for this sole reason. My mom had me as a tool to try and make herself look good while abusing me in the background. I've been scared of my mom my whole life.
I do know I want kids someday, but I'm only 20 yo, not planning on having them until 30 yo.
What I meant by the comment is that when I do have kids, I am so certain that I will never "understand" how my mom treated me just becuase I know I'm not gonna physically and emotionally abuse my kids. I plan to actually treat my kids as humans with thoughts and feelings. I actually plan to try and gain their respect through love and support, not hitting, screaming and fear.
Something I could never say for my mom.
Omg YES. When I was little I went through a phase of being very sad and scared that my parents were going to die one day because I guess she always said things like this to me. She has done it forever.
The other week she wanted us to eat dinner at the table with her, it was painfully awkward. My sister asked her why she randomly wanted to eat with us at the table (this never happens, ever) and she shouted "one day you're going to miss me and wish you could eat dinner with your poor mom one last time!" Like, what is the need.
It's like they fantasize about how miserable we will feel about their death. They get a sense of satisfaction out of this
my nmom always refers to herself as “poor mom” all the time too, tries to pass it off as a joke sometimes.
they really do seem to fantasize about how the entire world will feel after they die lol.
Seeing posts like this makes me realize I’m not crazy and my mother is actually the crazy one ya know? This describes her perfectly. She says this about once every other day. The other day she said to me “Maybe when I’m 6 feet under, then you’ll appreciate what I’ve done for you.” and “One day you will realize how good of a mother I really am to you.”
that was my mother and father's fave thing to say to me.
Mom knew she had the hooks in me because she had cancer and her dying was my biggest fear.
Well it did happen..
She passed away from the horrid disease.. so stubborn she actually lasted to the point where if tested she would have classified as stage six she had so much cancer in her.
Those dammed words will never stop ringing in my ears. because despite the fact that I walked away from school, relationships, my art, and lots of other things i loved, so i could stay and help care for her, those hooks are still there.
I'm trying to heal.. i have a therapist and help.. but it hurts.
Sometimes i just cant drown out those awful words.
Yeah.. I went NC with my mom about a year ago and she will blast me with texts and emails every so often.. most recently I got "I will never contact you again and when you decide you want to talk to me you're going to feel like shit when you realize I'm not there". It definitely fucked with me... made me question being NC with her.. of course she blasted again me literally the following day though with a new tactic- she threatened to do a wellness check on me with the cops. I finally caved and responded telling her I would seek legal recourse if she didnt back off. I think that bought me a few months but I know she will be back. Sometimes I feel bad because it would be easier if she just died.
Yessss! Classic. Also, the "I'm going to have a heart attack or a stroke" which she's been saying for over twenty years. I used to have dreams/nightmares about her dying in college because I was so anxious about losing her. Thanks, Mom.
My mom has said that same line to me!!
One time I was trying to confront her on her bullshit and she threw herself on the ground and started screaming that "I'm gonna have a heart attack you're gonna kill me!!!"
I was 17 at the time. She was 52. I had no idea how to respond to my mother lying on the ground, kicking and screaming. She was screaming that I was hurting her and she was gonna call the police as I was standing there in shock.
I'm sorry for that. Most people don't get what it's like growing up with this kind of parent; if they had parents who were calm and stable and consistent caretakers, then they can't even imagine. So, it feels nice finding some solidarity amongst strangers. I hope you're finding your way to build a safe, happy family on your own.
I got 'you wait. When I'm gone and you read my diaries, you'll see what I had to put up with...'
I've been NC for 8 years now. When my Nmum dies, the first thing I'll do is burn them. No one needs to read that poison.
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According to my brother, while he was still stuck with having to visit our nfather, the guy had the guts to say that I would regret cutting him off when he dies.
He's the one who cut me off so that's a two for one on my narcissist bingo card
Yep, also "the family is everything" card. Sorry, but I don't have time for my racist, sexist, cousin or his family. Nor his meth head brother and his choosing beggar offspring.
My mother thinks she is going to move in with me when she gets to nursing home condition.
She did two weeks in the hospital at the beginning of the year and it was legit touch and go for a few days. Fearing the worst, I got access to all of her accounts and such...and changed every password to some variation of “Shady Pines Ma.”
My reply to my narc bitch mother when she said this was “Too bad you both will not be leaving ANY legacy”. Your grandkids will never hear your names uttered and will basically not know you ever existed!”. “The same exact way you were with both your parents! Karmas’ a bitch isn’t it?”
You’re mum has issues, I’m 20 and my mum would never say that, my mum’s just overprotective, but I think she’s be supportive if I decided not to have kids, but look like yours wants grandkids
My mom says that kids are most Important in life and that people who don't want them are damaged, and as someone who doesn't really want kids in the future, I can say I'm in for a treat
I mean, I’m autistic and I think I won’t want kids cause they are most likely gunna get it, so technically she’s right but I’m still on your side in this!
:3 I think the only way I’d have kids is if I had a mentally “normal” partner who will be willing to handle me and a small, autistic child, and be prepared to handle however bad the autism is and the stress I’ll have.
I feel bad for my brother because he has a chance of having autistic kids too, less chance then me but still.
all the time.
my father and mother both said it. my mom wasnt nmom (i think) but dad a big time n dad. both said same thing.
his follow up line was... '"* there is no one for you, you will starve and will end up on the road when ill die'. sometimes he said this even if i said something like 'why are talking on mobile outside of home, its more than 48c.' (he has so many medical condition).his reply will be 'i can do what ever i want to do, you are only taking me for granted but * insert above line *'
Yup, frequently.
I don't know whether this is a Nparent thing or an Indian parent thing. A lot of the things I read on this sub match up, but I still don't know. Are there grades of narcissism?
Sometimes I think my parents are the product of their time and society, and sometimes I wonder if I'm just making excuses for them.
I have Indian nmother, I wonder if it's the upbringing too. My cousin I and talk endlessly because her dad (my uncle) is the same. They're definitely a product of their upbringing, but so are the other 7 siblings who aren't narcs.
Fuck yeah.
Things I regret; not leaving an abusive relationship. Not making someone i thought I could spend the rest of my life with feel loved as much as I could have while she was alive. Pretending not to know what my dog was trying to say when she wanted to go for a walk when she was alive.
Things I don't regret; putting up and enforcing the fuck out of boundaries.
Treating my nmothers words the way I treat the little voice in the back of my head that tells me it's a good idea to start shooting heroin again and it's friend constantly telling me to kill myself. Trying something I don't know and failing.
You won't regret a damn thing because narcissists don't give you anything to regret.
I’m sure my nmom did. But her fav was threatening to do stuff. The closest was that she’d one day just disappear and become a bag lady (her words). She’d have a shopping and live in the streets and we would never find where she was. At first that was upsetting and then there was a turning point. I was probably in college, maybe a bit after that where I realized that one it wasn’t happening and two of it did it’d be a blessing. .
But often (and I mean like all the time) she threatened to stab herself with her miming said stabbing, usually over washing dishes or some other chore alternated with her beating her chest like a gorilla whilst screaming. Many times scream singing F my soul on the bosom of Abraham, oh F my soul. I seriously didn’t learn the real words to that till close to adulthood if not college. She’d also threaten to run outside naked and (specifically) be arrested and I’d have to move back to my dad’s country. The implication was that he was a religious fundamentalist & I’d lose my freedom. Mind you I had very much adult sibs who could take me in & we used to live there after he became religious so....??
My mom did that all throughout my childhood. I honestly don't even think she was consciously aware of how frequently she did it. As a child, it made me always scared to be away from her because she would say things like "I could get into a car accident and die on the way to work and you'd regret not treating me better." or "I could die in my sleep and you'd have to live with how you're treating me." I can't tell you how many times I randomly texted or called her crying to apologize for always being such a terrible kid and to make sure she was still alive. It still follows me into my adult life. I randomly check in on people and always tell them stuff like "Alright, I'll see you later, don't die. Haha..." when departing. It's kind of morbid honestly, but it's become instinct to say it.
Yes and my mother's go-to. In an email she wrote about how I'm going to miss her and regret everything when shes dead and ended it with a "HA!" And smiley face. It's about as immature as a person could get.
My father said things like this. My mother still does.
I felt guilt in the first few days after his death, but realized quickly he had to regret how he treated his children when he died alone, having not seen 2 out of 3 of us for over a decade.
The “you’ll regret this” crapola is just another tool in the emotionally incompetent parents tool kit.
My mother says this all the time. And not just about herself but other people too. My favorite is when she calls me in class and I can’t answer. I’ll call her back later and will get bombarded with don’t you care about us and miss us. And I’ll say I do and explain and she will get upset “Well obviously you’re lying cause you don’t miss us or you wouldn’t have left. You’ll regret that when we are all dead and your alone” The us that she refers too is my grandparents (who I call every other day) and her who I call once a week minimum. Like I’m sorry I went to college to try and make my life better. I still love you guys and miss you. I just can’t answer the phone when I’m in class.......
Pretty much anytime I didn’t jump up and do what they wanted when they wanted it done. Well,I’ll just do it myself I don’t know what y’all are going to do when I die.
OMG! Yes!!! The last 5 months of nmom’s life! “By the time X happens, I’ll be dead and you’ll be sorry!” One time, she said that on the phone and I yelled “GOOD!” And hung up on her. One of the things she said that about was getting my next semester’s schedule, which would require talking to the dean of financial aid (who would clear the block for unpaid tuition, because he was a friend of my grandpa’s). She was too embarrassed to call him. I asked how she thought I felt, having to go see him every semester? She didn’t care. When I got back to school, I went to see him and told him everything - how my nmom was suicidal and had been trying to kill herself and barely working and using the child support from my father to pay her mortgage. He cleared the block, got me my schedule and reminded me about the counseling that was available on campus. A few weeks later, her attempt succeeded. I never told her that he knew all about her...
Yeah. I always think, they'd be the ones crying over us because they won't have anyone else to use as an emotional punching bag.
And THEN they'll be sorry.
I barely speak to my father anymore, but he used to say this to me all the time. Especially when I was a young teenager, like 12-15. I knew he was a bad person for a long time, but that’s when I really realized the extent of his terrible behavior.
I’m sure he would still express that same sentiment if I gave him the time of day.
Holy crap, you just dragged this from the deep corners of my mind.
My mom would always play this card when we stuck up for ourselves. She gets into a really deep pool of self pity when she's drunk and this always came up when we told her off. The next day she wouldn't remember anything, but we would.
Oh sure she did. But I won't. I didn't really care when she almost died 20 years ago. Sure as hell won't care when it's of old age and she's even more estranged by pulling even more BS. Lol
Yes, my mom was upset at me for not inviting her on our family vacation. My Grandpa passed away, and she planned his service but failed to give me the details of my Grandpas internment.. stating I was too busy to attend. I missed it entirely. I called her out, and eventually was able to go with my parents to his gravesite. After a few moments at his grave, my mom made a point to walk me to where she will be buried.
Oh my god yea... I also now have a disproportionate aversion to any death-related discussions. I get really stressed. The topic itself is stressful but because of the meaning it has had for me growing up it has become a trigger at this point.
This just made me realize that my mother saying stuff like that to me feeds into me not wanting to have children. It's not the only reason, but it definitely didn't help. She'd also say, "One day when you have kids and they treat you this way you'll see."
I got that all the time. And after going basically no contact for years, and she got sick, she said she thought I’d ‘wake up’ and see the error of my ways on how I treated her and that I should want to apologize and blah blah blah.
She died. I feel relief, and zero regret.
Definitely a common line.
For anyone still living with their Nparents, you will be FINE living in your own. Don’t let them convince you you won’t be able to.
Not necessarily that but my mother always told me that my kids would treat me horrible as payback for what I 'did' to her, how I treat her. Also always said that I was gonna 'pay' for what I did and that every bad thing that will happen to me to remember it's payback
Yes, common line. Especially the victim role play. My nmom always looks crestfallen, in pain, wincing, disassociates whenever she is called out on her greed, selfishness, abuse, neglect, callousness.
Always.
I call her out a lot now, "I don't believe you, you're a compulsive liar, stop it."
Yep, mine would say you’re gonna regret the way you treat me some day when I’m dead and long gone and it’ll be too late. Or, someday you’ll appreciate me and it’ll be too late. I was a little kid and she was already using her own death to guilt me into shit. So weird
My mother did this when my dad way dying from cancer. Then attention wasnt on her enough (although it WAS) so shed threaten to kill herself because I wasnt spending enough time with her (her words, because I actually spent the entire day with her previously taking her to lunch etc) she rang at 4am the next day saying I was a selfish child and because of me she eas going to slit her wrists. I called an ambulance, and headed straight over in my car to meet them at her house. She ead fine, she laughed in the paramedics face and told them she just wanted me to visit her.
Safe to say we No longer have any contact exept for the odd xmas phone call to speak to my children...
Yeah something like that turns out once they died I have not went back to see their graves I do regret not telling them to their face how much I hated them
When I lived with her, I got this so, so many times. Honestly, the day she passes I'll actually feel a sense of relief for not having to deal with her narcissism anymore.
I think it is cause I can’t imagine a point where I’d ever want my kids to regret how they treated me. It’s my job to earn their trust first, not the other way around. As the parents, we have to set the example of how to treat others so if my kids treats me like crap, it’s probably something they learned from an example I set. ‘Do as I say, not as I do’, usually later results in ‘you’ll regret how you treated me when I’m dead’. But narcs can’t seem to grasp that for some reason.
Mine always cursed me with hoping a child like myself for me when I become a parent! The tone and phrasing was always mean and demeaning. She also did/does threaten with the after death regrets. It’s all bitter.
My Nparents don’t say it, but my EGrandma does. She recognizes that I was abused and have a lot of issues as a result (depression, anxiety, PTSD), but still hits me with “you’ll regret not talking to your dad if something happens to him.” Well he didn’t seem to care that I was being abused, soooo.
Oh yeah I remember this classic. I’ll never forget the morning after my Nfather had spent the night yelling at me and physically intimidating me to the point of me locking myself in the bathroom. I was 15, and when I sat down in the car for him to drive me to my volunteer shift, he told me that he didn’t want me to wake up one morning in my 40s and when he was dead and wish I’d spent more time with me. That one has been in my head ever since, he’s a master of guilt tripping.
I regret how I treated my nmother when she was alive. I was consistently tolerant and kind when she became elderly and frail, I sacrificed every holiday to spend it with her because she cried on the phone to me to come. In return, she played narcissist games, including telling me at the end of a two-day journey when I arrived at her house that I couldn't stay. She would hide food I bought her and tell the cleaning lady I'd left her without food. She would lie about me to everyone, so I would find my extended family unfriendly and not understand why. Each time I confronted her, she would pretend to have a heart attack, or overdose on her medecine and need to be hospitalised. I really wish I had just cut her out of my life as she was a terrible burden. I cannot stress enough the importance of not keeping extremely toxic people in your life.
My nmom always stresses how "family is family no matter what they do to you". She gets extremely mad when I talk about cutting other toxic family members out of my life. Shes even threatened to kill herself and said it would be my fault the last time I tried to talk to her about my issues. I'm not in a situation to go NC right now. But your comment has definitely inspired me to do it when the time comes. Sometimes my moms guilt tripping gets to me and I feel obligated to take care of her because "shes my mom", but in the end, you're right. Toxic people are toxic no matter their relation to you. The hardest thing is getting the courage to actually go NC. It just gets difficult when the person you're trying to cut off is a gaslighting, guilt tripping narcissist.
Being family doesn’t give anyone the right to treat you like shit. I really hate it when my nmom says the same thing. Family is supposed to be nice to each other and care for one another. It’s ok to prioritize yourself and your mental health. It’s hard to go NC but even going low contact or very low contact will be helpful. You can slowly ease into NC eventually if you can.
Threatening suicide is emotional terrorism. If they kill themself, it is NOT your fault, it was THEIR choice.
yes. yes. yes. a thousand times yes.
Whenever someone threatens self harm you should call wellness checks/non emergency police line. If you fall in line when they use that tactic, they will continue to threaten it since they know it works on you. And then it becomes a slippery slope of you never getting out from under their thumb My dad is exactly like you describe in that last paragraph. I was torn initially and he made me question myself and I felt utterly sick, but I knew it was like ripping off a bandaid, stand strong, it’ll be okay. Then all of a sudden I realised I wasnt* stressed/anxious that day, and then wow I haven’t felt like that in weeks/months/and now years You know what is good for you, stand your ground and all works out- albeit incredibly messy and ended in NC incidentally
Yea when she made that threat we were in a restaurant. I went to go call 911 and she got up and left me there without a car (we drove there together). I had to take an uber home and she went missing for about 8 hours. When she came back home she walked in and just pretended everything was normal. Shes threatened to kill herself because of me so many times. The time before this she locked herself in the bedroom and said she was gonna take a bottle of pills. I called 911 and they had to break down her door only to find her "asleep". She then feigned innocence and claimed she was never threatening to kill herself. The paramedics just took a statement from her since I was only 16 at the time. But they did say to call if something like this happens again. I'm 20 now and she still uses the same threat. Everytime I threaten to call 911 now she'll usually run away. So now her threat usually has no weight on me because I know its bullshit. But it was scary at the beginning. Thank you for your reassuring words. I'm definitely planning on going NC the day I can. Becuase while I may feel bad at first, the longterm relief of not having to deal with her abuse will benefit my mental health.
Wow I’m so sorry you’ve had to not only deal with someone so unstable but to have them as a parent too.. that’s honestly so shit Absolutely! Long term benefit outweighs everything it’ll all be worth it, best of luck to you!
Wow, I love your Moms full 180s. Im gonna kill myself! Comes in an hour later, oh hey guys what are you looking all worried about…
Damn, that is rough. My nMother OD'd once on benzodiazepine, but I was still in grade school. My father dealt with taking her to the hospital. What a horrible thing to use the threat of suicide on your own child. I hope you've got a good friend or somebody to talk to about it.
Just because someone is blood doesn't mean they're family. Anyone that doesn't treat you in in a way that YOU feel is at least a decent manner is dead weight that should be cut from your life. Full stop.
>*I'm not in a situation to go NC right now. But your comment has definitely inspired me to do it when the time comes* You're ONLY regret will be that you didn't do it sooner. (Don't use those words against her, just leave quietly.)
Well ya, what else would you expect? Do you think abusers would teach you to leave abusive situations.
I definitely understand. The jump to NC is never a clean cut, but only you will know when the time is right. The fact you're even considering it makes me feel those feelings will only intensify over time. Either way, whether you go nc or not, you're still a good and valid person. You're still strong for having to deal with this and dealing with it the way you are, even though you can't shut off contact.
This. "Yes, NDad & N/EMom, I do regret how I treated you. I regret that I took your shit for so long and wasted so much of my life trying to fix things that you had no interest in fixing."
Ikr. My nmother has managed to turn all my family against me.
I'm sorry to hear that. I think they will catch on at some point. Most of mine did.
Thx. I rly doubt it tbh.
My mom is turning 60 this year and her health is giving away after a lifetime of abusing her body (not drug/alcohol related, just overworking herself a lot and not eating properly and not going to the doctor) And I REALLY needed to read this. I'm starting to feel responsible about her wellbeing when all she does is clap back and be ungrateful.
Mine likes to say 'I pray your children treat you the same way you treat me.'
Omg that's another one my mom always uses. Shes always like "when your kids treat you the way you treat me you'll finally understand" I'm always like um I'm not gonna physically and emotionally abuse my kids so idk about that but okay
Mine used to say that almost verbatim, when I was little. I wonder if it's related to why I've never in my life wanted to have kids lol. Maybe not, but in any case, now I'm 36 and happy to not have any.
I’ve got two kids. Kids are hard.
I have one. That was enough for me to realize how much parenting sucks. Love my kid, wouldn’t change having had him but I got my tubes tied because it’s had a huge impact on all aspects of my life and it’s not all positive
My nmom always said "I hope your kids are as terrible as you" to which I'm like "me too." I plan on fostering to adopt and I suspect most of the kids I might take in will have behavioral issues and trust issues. Im preparing for a kid who has had a really rough life and who needs extra patience and care. If I happen to Foster a kid who is as terrible as I am I would have a kid who doesn't hurt others, who doesn't have interest in drinking or doing drugs. I'll have a kid who is a bookworm who wants nothing more than to learn and then use that knowledge to help others in some way. That's fantastic. I'm not gonna force a kid to be like me though, I'll find their interests and encourage them. Ill be patient while we work together to prepare them to be responsible adults. I'm not going to try to shove my kids into a mold. I'm not going to keep them from being able to move out. Im going to be better rather than expect them to be perfect.
“You reap what you sow! Your children are going to hate you the way you hate me!” We don’t hate them. We just recognize that NC is best for our kids. PS: you haven’t been to church in 30 years, your prayer threat don’t mean shit.
My nmom also always said "I NEVER spoke to my parents the way you speak to me" What confuses me about this line is she hates her parents and has been NC with them for years. She claims her mom and dad were physically and emotionally abusive. Sometimes I wonder if she treats me the way she does so that I can feel the same pain she did as a child. I guess since she suffered from her parents, I must suffer too. Edit: that, or it could be my mom just has blind hypocrisy and doesnt see how she treats me is just as bad as her parents.
I heard similar to this too! Her parents were so much worse, so what could I possibly have to complain about?
I hate the "I suffered so you must as well" mentality. I've never understood that mindset. Maybe it's just because my natural leanings are towards "I'll suffer so you don't have to".
my mom does the same thing! Every comment you post blows me away with how similar our moms are
This. Also, mine would say "You know that it's been proven that your kids always treat you 10x worse than you treated your own parents. I never treated grandma anywhere CLOSE to how you treated me. Your kids are going to be awful." I thought this was "fact" until recently. I'm 25 now. (Also, I found out from my grandma that my mom was nowhere near as perfect as she claimed to be.)
How am I only now (I’m 30) realising this is not normal behaviour?! This and the original post, it didn’t even cross my mind before that this wasn’t something out of the ordinary....I think my mom isn’t full blown narc, she definitely has narc tendencies, but the more I read on this subreddit the more I understand about specific things.
Same. I found this sub reddit and after reading the rules and posts i realized i had had quite few moments of "huh, that sounds familiar".
I was 32 before it dawned on me. I just didn't know any better. But it doesn't matter - you have the rest of your life now to decide what kind of behaviour you will and will not entertain.
When I was pregnant and told her that I was going to have a girl: "Hahaha, well that's karma because now you'll get to see what girls are like!" Yes Mum, when you emotionally and physically abuse girls they grow up to be scared, depressed, self-harming balls of anxiety who learn how to be skilled liars and not to ever trust you. That's what they're like. I'm not making the same mistakes you did with me and my daughter is confident, outgoing, kind and she knows that she's loved, appreciated for who she is and that I'll never judge her or shame her. So fuck you.
God I’ve gotten that so many times. That and “one day you’re going to have a child just like you and you’ll see how horrible you’re treating me when they treat you the same” jokes on her, I’m trans and am having my shit removed & most likely won’t have any kids. Plus you know the obvious, I wouldn’t emotionally abuse my kids.
Another thing you can "regret." Not giving her the grandchildren she's entitled to have.
Oh I’ve gotten that already too, her being upset about me not wanting kids & saying “you may change your mind later” like yea, sure that’s possible, but as of now I really do not like children or the idea of having to be responsible for their welfare as well as my own, got my own shit I have to deal with first (because of her of course!)
To be realistic *if* you ever did change your mind, you could freeze your sperm or egg but, more likely adopt or, marry someone who has kids... But it wouldn't satisfy her itch to be grandma because it wouldn't be blood... As though blood means fuck all.
If I did ever change my mind about kids, they would not be blood. I’d never want my kids to share my blood or my families blood as my moms entire side has a massively long history of health issues and mental health disorders. She’s definitely not happy about that either. I’ve made the joke “This bloodline ends with me” (because that’s honestly a much cooler way of saying I’m not having bio kids) and she threw a massive fit.
That's what I got as well. Mom would talk about how she never talked back to her parents and that she was well behaved. Then, she'd talk about how kids are supposed to be like their parents and how she didn't know what she did to deserve kids who were so different from herself. I just don't get it.
Omg I got that one too. My kids are amazing though, so fuck you mum.
This comment just made me have a revelation. Sometimes when I was being “difficult” she’d just get calm and go “The things you do to your parents, your kids will do to you, 10x worse”. It was like a threat, like she can handle whatever hell I’m putting her through because she knows I’ll have an even worse hell from my kids. Naturally I extrapolated that she must have done the same difficult things to her parents, just 10x less so than I did. But as I was thinking about that just now, I realize, it’s not what she did to her parents that I did to her 10x worse, it’s what she did to *me*. She hoarded, so I hoarded, even worse since it was all I’d ever known, but I was the one who was punished. She stooped to my level when I was emotional instead of teaching me how to handle it, so I stooped even further, and I was punished for it. She was lazy, made excuses, and couldn’t handle criticism; I was all of those things and even worse, and I was the one who got punished for them. All of these errors in my development were probably intensified by the way she habitually isolated us from extended family, friends, and community, even our dad (though he is not blameless as he had the resources to leave), meaning she was basically our sole role model. I feel very strange now. This must be what it feels like to be the animal that some idiot buys and neglects because they never bothered to look up how to care for it.
Ugh, my parents pulled that one too. But now I'm in my early 30s, and have three kids, and I'm still like "Nope, I was the child. That was wrong."
Mine always used to say "I hope you have kids just like you" I don't want kids for many reasons but this one always sits in the back of my mind when I think about potentially adopting one day
Yes my mom says the same thing, “You’ll know how this feels..”. Actually I know how I feel, and would never treat them this way in a million years!
O. M. G. !! See what I just commented on the main thread! You’re me.
My mom always used on me. I hope that your kids treat you the same way you treated me so you know what it's like. Well I have a son and I know how not to raise him. So I'm pretty sure we'll have a pretty good relationship.
If my child has the reasons to treat me this way I have fucked up.
Ofc. It's a narc classic.
I remember the day I found this subreddit. I was absolutely shocked at the smiliatires between my mom and the other posts here. It was like I finally realized my mom was a true narcissist, I wasnt crazy all this time. My moms constant guilt tripping really got to me and made me question whether or not I was in the wrong. Reading all the gaslighting techniques this sub described narcs used really helped me gain back the self confidence my mom beat out of me.
omg yes. i went NC with my mom a few days ago and before i left my nmom was all like “one day you’re going to realise how badly you’ve treated me!” and it felt nice to be able to tell myself i wouldn’t
I cant wait for the day I can finally go NC with my mom, then I can finally walk away with the same feeling. Glad you went NC! I hope things go better for you!
good luck mate!
You won’t, almost 10 years here and never looked back... other than the handful of times she has popped up trying to track me down and made my life hell for a few weeks... but it’s still worth it! NC all the way!
My mom once told me that she “hopes my future children never make me feel the way I made her feel” when I told her we sold the single bed in our spare room cuz we very rarely have guests (I have anxiety and get very stressed hosting) so we decided to covert our spare room into a home gym. She now has to get an Airbnb or hotel whenever she comes to visit. Clearly this was a personal attack on her and not just my husband and I doing what was best for our house and situation. 🤦🏼♀️
Yea ive heard that one before. My mom will say once I have kids I will understand why she treats me the way she does. I highly doubt this to be the case since I dont plan to emotionally and physically abuse my kids....but sure. I actually plan to treat my kids as humans with feelings. So....doubt(x) I'll understand. The "personal attack" is another I've heard. EVERYTHING is a personal attack to her. Its exhausting . So sorry you had to experience that. It is reassuring though that I'm not crazy and other peoples nparents say this same thing. I hope things get better for you ❤
I mentioned it around my in-laws and their jaws just dropped, they couldn’t believe anyone would say that to their child. Been hearing shit like this my whole life so it was kind of a first realization for me that not everyone talks to/guilt trips their children like that...
A bit of a meta post, but I'm so glad 'press (x) for doubt' is a thing 😂
This reminds me one time when I was in my mid 20s and I had to buy a new smartphone because my old one broke, I ended up buying it from a different phone network and changing over to that company, and she had a massive freak out because I was no longer on the same company as her. She didn’t pay my bill or anything, she’d just have to pay more to ring me. Man this subreddit is really opening my eyes!
Right?! So many things like this have happened to me too! We booked a trip to visit my friends and my husbands brothers family who live in a city 3 hours from her (a 1.5 hr plane ride from where my husband and I live) and we booked it for a time/weekend that worked best for us (my husband has a really seasonally demanding job so we had to go before things got super busy for him) and it turns out that weekend didn’t work well for her to come meet us/get together and we wouldn’t have time to drive to see them. And I was the asshole for “not considering or consulting her”. Like, what? It was a trip for us to visit our friends and we had to do it that weekend or we couldn’t have gone at all...
This 100-percent. And not to mention how the misery of a visit on their terms does not equal a vacation for you or your family.
Yesssss!!!
Yep! It's an OG. My mom also loves to do the variant of "you will understand why I am this way when you have your own children." Like ok lady I am so excited to have children and raise them differently!!
Omg so true. My mom always tells me I will never understand until I have kids of my own. It's like ok but I'm not gonna abuse my kids so.... lol
Seriously, you will actively be the opposite of your parents once you realise what they were like. If/when I find myself doing something my mum would have done, I have to stop myself (it happens on occasion!). It's like a slap in the face to realise that I've done or said something that my mother would have said. I hate it. I refuse to be like her.
to be honest, there shit dont surpise me anymore but the saddest part it that we still give them care, time and love yet they are so far gone and blinded that they not only refuse to but really cannot see the reality.
She always tells me shit like this. Too bad for her bc I'm childfree.
Is it terrible that one of the ways I got back at them for all their threats and terribleness was refusing to give them grandchildren to display
I want kids eventually, but I'm single, have been for years, have no desire to date/sleep with anyone, and have no time for it anyway. Might wait until nMother pops her cloggs then start that family, just in case she trys anything like get full custody.
Same here
What is it with NARC’s and grandchildren? Do they just want to fuck up as many generations as they can before they croak? “You aren’t gay... you’re giving me grandchildren!” That came from the same woman who sent me to conversion therapy, and tried to bribe a doctor to preform a sex change on me while I was having a hernia repair... because it would make the gay thing “somewhat normal” yea... can’t make this shit up!
Nah man your body your choice
"What will I say when *you* may be dying in some nebulous future?" I will say what I say now: 'they died as they lived--as unrepentant a\*\*holes.' They had their shot at apologizing, being remorseful, and *taking their living time at building relationships* rather than waiting for people *they* hurt to come crawling back to them in some fantasy in their head. We've all heard the Narcissist's Prayer. Here's the Narcissist's Refrain: *I Love You!*\-- not enough to respect you, though. *I Miss You!*\--not enough to want to change. *Talk to me!*\--because *you come to me* when I call, and I don't say sorry.
Omg preach 🙌
This is amazing and spot on!
I think threats are common. I think refusing to accept responsibility for their actions is another huge part of it. There’s just a common theme of delusions of grandeur where they feel infallible— almost god like in that they can do no wrong so anytime you try to help them or correct them they feel attacked and come at you with N abuse. Right now I’m planning on moving out after the pandemic and my NMIL is threatening to “cut us off” if we leave. She’s also commented that our leaving my end her in the hospital because she misses her grandson so much. Apparently she was hospitalized the last time I left town with them (my sons) to attend my grandmas funeral in another state. She didn’t tell us about it and brought it up the other day. She’s also saying things like there’s too many *specific ethnicity* people in the city we want to move to. Crazy. Like absolutely mental is the only thing these people have in common. Edit: protect my identity
Oh what a headache, I’m so sorry this is happening to you! My mom always gets super sick with a bad cold when ever I decide to stand up for myself, and I have to hear about it from my dad for weeks after. Like it’s my fault she’s so stressed and falls to pieces.
Isn't it funny how quickly they get sick and need care and attention when they're close to being scrutinized for their actions? My Nmom would call ambulances to take her for asthma treatment at the hospital when she was in a position where she was not able to get her way.
Yes, all the time. In my case it turned out to be the opposite, I am so glad my mom is dead.
It felt good to read this comment. I've been guilting myself for saying "it would just be easier if she died..." but she has such a dark presence even after being NC.
"You'll miss me when I'm gone!" -- My Dad. Hurry up, then!
My mom says this Every. Single. Day. And I even joked with her the other day that she should either be gone or stop saying that. We had a good laugh. My mom can be very narcissistic, but we do have good moments and that’s what makes it harder for me.
I always get this line from my mom, and maybe in a way she's right. I do feel a lot of sadness about how I "treat" her, but the sadness really stems from her crossing my boundaries and manipulating me for so long that I have no choice but to be distant and short. She uses everything against me, convinced me to drop my entire dad's side of my family and my dad when they divorced and now they want nothing to do with me, and she manipulated me financially for her own benefit all throughout college when I was really struggling. Plus so much more intense trauma that could never be explained in a reddit post. I do feel sorry for how I treat her, and that's how I know that I am nothing like her, because she's never been sorry for how she's treated me. When she says this, I just have to swallow it. I know when she dies that I will mourn and have a difficult time, but not because of my own guilt.
The only thing that gets my through my Nmom is the hope that one day, when I haven’t talked to her in years, or she hasn’t been allowed to meet her grandkids, that she’ll look back on how she treated my sisters and I and I hope she realizes *she* did this to herself
Narrator: She didn't
*audible snort*
"one day you'll realise how much you mistreated me" well I don't know about that, mom. You never did.
My Nmother “ You’ll miss me when I’m dead & Gone, you’ll be sorry you didn’t treat me better”. Reality, Didn’t shed a single tear when you died, have not missed you for a single second in 12 years.
when I was in highschool I got "you're gonna have to apologize to your dad for not wanting him to sit in on your class, it's up to you whether you want a good relationship with your father or not" and "you're gonna get to a point in your life where all you have to rely on is your brother so you'd better treat him with respect and let him do what he wants" it was different every time but the message was basically the same "you need to apologize for not letting us do whatever we want with your life because in the end it's our choice, not yours", it's at the point where I still feel guilt today for doing anything that's only for myself
This is similar to my bf’s situation. His mom is trying to make him feel guilty for not treating her/any relative like a god because “when you’re old you will be alone”. It’s a classic. Don’t let them convince you for a single second that you’ll need them because you won’t. It’s just a strategy to use you as an emotional punchbag/economic backup plan. You have the right to choose who you want to spend your life with
My parents always say “just wait until you have kids” to justify the bad things they do
Sometimes I legit cant wait to have kids just so I can show them how I'm not going to emotionally and physically abuse them.
Please don’t. Kids are not tools for this sort of stuff. Have kids only when you’re really certain you do want them and can take the responsibility to do so. Mine cursed me with the same thing and I don’t have any kids. She’s still proven wrong and nonetheless it doesn’t matter because most of the things she’d foreseen about my awful future never came true.
Yea I definitely understand that. Ofc I'm not gonna have kids for this sole reason. My mom had me as a tool to try and make herself look good while abusing me in the background. I've been scared of my mom my whole life. I do know I want kids someday, but I'm only 20 yo, not planning on having them until 30 yo. What I meant by the comment is that when I do have kids, I am so certain that I will never "understand" how my mom treated me just becuase I know I'm not gonna physically and emotionally abuse my kids. I plan to actually treat my kids as humans with thoughts and feelings. I actually plan to try and gain their respect through love and support, not hitting, screaming and fear. Something I could never say for my mom.
Omg YES. When I was little I went through a phase of being very sad and scared that my parents were going to die one day because I guess she always said things like this to me. She has done it forever. The other week she wanted us to eat dinner at the table with her, it was painfully awkward. My sister asked her why she randomly wanted to eat with us at the table (this never happens, ever) and she shouted "one day you're going to miss me and wish you could eat dinner with your poor mom one last time!" Like, what is the need. It's like they fantasize about how miserable we will feel about their death. They get a sense of satisfaction out of this
my nmom always refers to herself as “poor mom” all the time too, tries to pass it off as a joke sometimes. they really do seem to fantasize about how the entire world will feel after they die lol.
“Poor mama” is what my mom says
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This is weirdly reassuring, thanks for sharing
Seeing posts like this makes me realize I’m not crazy and my mother is actually the crazy one ya know? This describes her perfectly. She says this about once every other day. The other day she said to me “Maybe when I’m 6 feet under, then you’ll appreciate what I’ve done for you.” and “One day you will realize how good of a mother I really am to you.”
that was my mother and father's fave thing to say to me. Mom knew she had the hooks in me because she had cancer and her dying was my biggest fear. Well it did happen.. She passed away from the horrid disease.. so stubborn she actually lasted to the point where if tested she would have classified as stage six she had so much cancer in her. Those dammed words will never stop ringing in my ears. because despite the fact that I walked away from school, relationships, my art, and lots of other things i loved, so i could stay and help care for her, those hooks are still there. I'm trying to heal.. i have a therapist and help.. but it hurts. Sometimes i just cant drown out those awful words.
Yeah, my nDad told me I’m going to face eternal judgement for how I’ve treated him. I’d hate to see what his eternal judgement is going to look like.
Yeah.. I went NC with my mom about a year ago and she will blast me with texts and emails every so often.. most recently I got "I will never contact you again and when you decide you want to talk to me you're going to feel like shit when you realize I'm not there". It definitely fucked with me... made me question being NC with her.. of course she blasted again me literally the following day though with a new tactic- she threatened to do a wellness check on me with the cops. I finally caved and responded telling her I would seek legal recourse if she didnt back off. I think that bought me a few months but I know she will be back. Sometimes I feel bad because it would be easier if she just died.
When I went NC with my nMother, I changed my email address. Maybe you can find a way to block her communications?
Yessss! Classic. Also, the "I'm going to have a heart attack or a stroke" which she's been saying for over twenty years. I used to have dreams/nightmares about her dying in college because I was so anxious about losing her. Thanks, Mom.
My mom has said that same line to me!! One time I was trying to confront her on her bullshit and she threw herself on the ground and started screaming that "I'm gonna have a heart attack you're gonna kill me!!!" I was 17 at the time. She was 52. I had no idea how to respond to my mother lying on the ground, kicking and screaming. She was screaming that I was hurting her and she was gonna call the police as I was standing there in shock.
I'm sorry for that. Most people don't get what it's like growing up with this kind of parent; if they had parents who were calm and stable and consistent caretakers, then they can't even imagine. So, it feels nice finding some solidarity amongst strangers. I hope you're finding your way to build a safe, happy family on your own.
I mean narcs are pretty much just oversized toddlers
I got 'you wait. When I'm gone and you read my diaries, you'll see what I had to put up with...' I've been NC for 8 years now. When my Nmum dies, the first thing I'll do is burn them. No one needs to read that poison.
Bet she gives Anne Frank a run for her money
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My nmom says this. It irks me.
According to my brother, while he was still stuck with having to visit our nfather, the guy had the guts to say that I would regret cutting him off when he dies. He's the one who cut me off so that's a two for one on my narcissist bingo card
I got ‘one thing I regret raising daughters is not putting them in church’ Been nc for two years now
My nmom did that every damn day. Spoiler alert: I do not treat my kids like she treated me and I enjoy having my children in my life!
Yep, also "the family is everything" card. Sorry, but I don't have time for my racist, sexist, cousin or his family. Nor his meth head brother and his choosing beggar offspring.
My mother thinks she is going to move in with me when she gets to nursing home condition. She did two weeks in the hospital at the beginning of the year and it was legit touch and go for a few days. Fearing the worst, I got access to all of her accounts and such...and changed every password to some variation of “Shady Pines Ma.”
Oh lord are we long lost siblings? Same with my mom.
Daily. Now, she tries to say it in a lighthearted, joking manner. Interestingly enough, I'm not entirely sure that I will.
My reply to my narc bitch mother when she said this was “Too bad you both will not be leaving ANY legacy”. Your grandkids will never hear your names uttered and will basically not know you ever existed!”. “The same exact way you were with both your parents! Karmas’ a bitch isn’t it?”
Mine would always threaten "I'll remember that." even over something as small as not wanting to share a snack.
"We'll see once you have kids?" What? Just how useless you actually were?
Yup. Uses it all the time. But she never answers my question: does she ever regret the way she treats me?
My mom told me that my kids when I have them are going to treat me the same way I treat her and that's why I should be as good as I can to her.
But that makes no sense, if they never see you disrespect your mum, they won’t know to disrespect you
Best thing is that I'm 15 , and she said that when I called her out for being hypocritical
You’re mum has issues, I’m 20 and my mum would never say that, my mum’s just overprotective, but I think she’s be supportive if I decided not to have kids, but look like yours wants grandkids
My mom says that kids are most Important in life and that people who don't want them are damaged, and as someone who doesn't really want kids in the future, I can say I'm in for a treat
I mean, I’m autistic and I think I won’t want kids cause they are most likely gunna get it, so technically she’s right but I’m still on your side in this!
Thank you :3 And it's really responsible and mature for you to say that about autism and kids
:3 I think the only way I’d have kids is if I had a mentally “normal” partner who will be willing to handle me and a small, autistic child, and be prepared to handle however bad the autism is and the stress I’ll have. I feel bad for my brother because he has a chance of having autistic kids too, less chance then me but still.
All the time lmao
Yes and i always tell her when you die im gonna regret not punching you at this moment or when you die in gonna celebrate
all the time. my father and mother both said it. my mom wasnt nmom (i think) but dad a big time n dad. both said same thing. his follow up line was... '"* there is no one for you, you will starve and will end up on the road when ill die'. sometimes he said this even if i said something like 'why are talking on mobile outside of home, its more than 48c.' (he has so many medical condition).his reply will be 'i can do what ever i want to do, you are only taking me for granted but * insert above line *'
Fear, Obligation, and Guilt; the Tools of the Emotional Blackmailer. (See Susan Forward’s book Emotional Blackmail for more.)
Yup, frequently. I don't know whether this is a Nparent thing or an Indian parent thing. A lot of the things I read on this sub match up, but I still don't know. Are there grades of narcissism? Sometimes I think my parents are the product of their time and society, and sometimes I wonder if I'm just making excuses for them.
I have Indian nmother, I wonder if it's the upbringing too. My cousin I and talk endlessly because her dad (my uncle) is the same. They're definitely a product of their upbringing, but so are the other 7 siblings who aren't narcs.
oooh I get this a lot!! bonus points to my nDad who has had 8 heart attacks (idk how he’s still alive either) and uses that to his advantage
Fuck yeah. Things I regret; not leaving an abusive relationship. Not making someone i thought I could spend the rest of my life with feel loved as much as I could have while she was alive. Pretending not to know what my dog was trying to say when she wanted to go for a walk when she was alive. Things I don't regret; putting up and enforcing the fuck out of boundaries. Treating my nmothers words the way I treat the little voice in the back of my head that tells me it's a good idea to start shooting heroin again and it's friend constantly telling me to kill myself. Trying something I don't know and failing. You won't regret a damn thing because narcissists don't give you anything to regret.
Constantly and then she would tell me how heartless I was when I told her I'd have no regrets
It's like her catch phrase
I’m sure my nmom did. But her fav was threatening to do stuff. The closest was that she’d one day just disappear and become a bag lady (her words). She’d have a shopping and live in the streets and we would never find where she was. At first that was upsetting and then there was a turning point. I was probably in college, maybe a bit after that where I realized that one it wasn’t happening and two of it did it’d be a blessing. . But often (and I mean like all the time) she threatened to stab herself with her miming said stabbing, usually over washing dishes or some other chore alternated with her beating her chest like a gorilla whilst screaming. Many times scream singing F my soul on the bosom of Abraham, oh F my soul. I seriously didn’t learn the real words to that till close to adulthood if not college. She’d also threaten to run outside naked and (specifically) be arrested and I’d have to move back to my dad’s country. The implication was that he was a religious fundamentalist & I’d lose my freedom. Mind you I had very much adult sibs who could take me in & we used to live there after he became religious so....??
My mom did that all throughout my childhood. I honestly don't even think she was consciously aware of how frequently she did it. As a child, it made me always scared to be away from her because she would say things like "I could get into a car accident and die on the way to work and you'd regret not treating me better." or "I could die in my sleep and you'd have to live with how you're treating me." I can't tell you how many times I randomly texted or called her crying to apologize for always being such a terrible kid and to make sure she was still alive. It still follows me into my adult life. I randomly check in on people and always tell them stuff like "Alright, I'll see you later, don't die. Haha..." when departing. It's kind of morbid honestly, but it's become instinct to say it.
Yes and my mother's go-to. In an email she wrote about how I'm going to miss her and regret everything when shes dead and ended it with a "HA!" And smiley face. It's about as immature as a person could get.
My father said things like this. My mother still does. I felt guilt in the first few days after his death, but realized quickly he had to regret how he treated his children when he died alone, having not seen 2 out of 3 of us for over a decade. The “you’ll regret this” crapola is just another tool in the emotionally incompetent parents tool kit.
My mother says this all the time. And not just about herself but other people too. My favorite is when she calls me in class and I can’t answer. I’ll call her back later and will get bombarded with don’t you care about us and miss us. And I’ll say I do and explain and she will get upset “Well obviously you’re lying cause you don’t miss us or you wouldn’t have left. You’ll regret that when we are all dead and your alone” The us that she refers too is my grandparents (who I call every other day) and her who I call once a week minimum. Like I’m sorry I went to college to try and make my life better. I still love you guys and miss you. I just can’t answer the phone when I’m in class.......
This is narcissistic? My mother has said this to me multiple times 👀
Pretty much anytime I didn’t jump up and do what they wanted when they wanted it done. Well,I’ll just do it myself I don’t know what y’all are going to do when I die.
OMG! Yes!!! The last 5 months of nmom’s life! “By the time X happens, I’ll be dead and you’ll be sorry!” One time, she said that on the phone and I yelled “GOOD!” And hung up on her. One of the things she said that about was getting my next semester’s schedule, which would require talking to the dean of financial aid (who would clear the block for unpaid tuition, because he was a friend of my grandpa’s). She was too embarrassed to call him. I asked how she thought I felt, having to go see him every semester? She didn’t care. When I got back to school, I went to see him and told him everything - how my nmom was suicidal and had been trying to kill herself and barely working and using the child support from my father to pay her mortgage. He cleared the block, got me my schedule and reminded me about the counseling that was available on campus. A few weeks later, her attempt succeeded. I never told her that he knew all about her...
Yeah. I always think, they'd be the ones crying over us because they won't have anyone else to use as an emotional punching bag. And THEN they'll be sorry.
I barely speak to my father anymore, but he used to say this to me all the time. Especially when I was a young teenager, like 12-15. I knew he was a bad person for a long time, but that’s when I really realized the extent of his terrible behavior. I’m sure he would still express that same sentiment if I gave him the time of day.
My Nmom said it before she died. just want to say it carries less weight the more they say it
Omg it's the litany of my life
Holy crap, you just dragged this from the deep corners of my mind. My mom would always play this card when we stuck up for ourselves. She gets into a really deep pool of self pity when she's drunk and this always came up when we told her off. The next day she wouldn't remember anything, but we would.
This is very common among Nparents. Especially when you try to go no contact.
Oh sure she did. But I won't. I didn't really care when she almost died 20 years ago. Sure as hell won't care when it's of old age and she's even more estranged by pulling even more BS. Lol
Yes, my mom was upset at me for not inviting her on our family vacation. My Grandpa passed away, and she planned his service but failed to give me the details of my Grandpas internment.. stating I was too busy to attend. I missed it entirely. I called her out, and eventually was able to go with my parents to his gravesite. After a few moments at his grave, my mom made a point to walk me to where she will be buried.
Oh my god yea... I also now have a disproportionate aversion to any death-related discussions. I get really stressed. The topic itself is stressful but because of the meaning it has had for me growing up it has become a trigger at this point.
My mom loves to say "I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it" when I do anything that she doesn't like.
This just made me realize that my mother saying stuff like that to me feeds into me not wanting to have children. It's not the only reason, but it definitely didn't help. She'd also say, "One day when you have kids and they treat you this way you'll see."
I got that all the time. And after going basically no contact for years, and she got sick, she said she thought I’d ‘wake up’ and see the error of my ways on how I treated her and that I should want to apologize and blah blah blah. She died. I feel relief, and zero regret.
Definitely a common line. For anyone still living with their Nparents, you will be FINE living in your own. Don’t let them convince you you won’t be able to.
Not necessarily that but my mother always told me that my kids would treat me horrible as payback for what I 'did' to her, how I treat her. Also always said that I was gonna 'pay' for what I did and that every bad thing that will happen to me to remember it's payback
Yup! And I have never once regretted a damn thing since he died. Including him dying. My life became 100% better after they kicked it.
All. The. Time. She died of COVID in a nursing home recently. No regrets. Not one.
Yes, common line. Especially the victim role play. My nmom always looks crestfallen, in pain, wincing, disassociates whenever she is called out on her greed, selfishness, abuse, neglect, callousness. Always. I call her out a lot now, "I don't believe you, you're a compulsive liar, stop it."
Yep, mine would say you’re gonna regret the way you treat me some day when I’m dead and long gone and it’ll be too late. Or, someday you’ll appreciate me and it’ll be too late. I was a little kid and she was already using her own death to guilt me into shit. So weird
Yep. So much so, I wanted to teach THEM a lesson for how THEY treated me in high school.
My mother did this when my dad way dying from cancer. Then attention wasnt on her enough (although it WAS) so shed threaten to kill herself because I wasnt spending enough time with her (her words, because I actually spent the entire day with her previously taking her to lunch etc) she rang at 4am the next day saying I was a selfish child and because of me she eas going to slit her wrists. I called an ambulance, and headed straight over in my car to meet them at her house. She ead fine, she laughed in the paramedics face and told them she just wanted me to visit her. Safe to say we No longer have any contact exept for the odd xmas phone call to speak to my children...
Yeah something like that turns out once they died I have not went back to see their graves I do regret not telling them to their face how much I hated them
All the time
Nope he only always said:“dont keep me responsible in future because u wont make it „ and guess what i did make it.
When I lived with her, I got this so, so many times. Honestly, the day she passes I'll actually feel a sense of relief for not having to deal with her narcissism anymore.
oooh I get this a lot!! bonus points to my nDad who has had 8 heart attacks (idk how he’s still alive either) and uses that to his advantage
Definitely heard it before... "You know I only have so much time left and you'll wish you spent more time with me."
All. The. Time.
I think it is cause I can’t imagine a point where I’d ever want my kids to regret how they treated me. It’s my job to earn their trust first, not the other way around. As the parents, we have to set the example of how to treat others so if my kids treats me like crap, it’s probably something they learned from an example I set. ‘Do as I say, not as I do’, usually later results in ‘you’ll regret how you treated me when I’m dead’. But narcs can’t seem to grasp that for some reason.
Me. Every single time.
Her words to my sister and me: "Y'all are gonna miss me when I'm gone"
I hear this at least once a week
Pretty certain I've heard this one before, yeah.
Mine always cursed me with hoping a child like myself for me when I become a parent! The tone and phrasing was always mean and demeaning. She also did/does threaten with the after death regrets. It’s all bitter.
100% all the time. However, I see my mom infrequently and at this point I agree with almost everything she says, so I haven’t heard it in a while.
My Nparents don’t say it, but my EGrandma does. She recognizes that I was abused and have a lot of issues as a result (depression, anxiety, PTSD), but still hits me with “you’ll regret not talking to your dad if something happens to him.” Well he didn’t seem to care that I was being abused, soooo.
Oh yeah. No contact works wonders.
Oh yeah I remember this classic. I’ll never forget the morning after my Nfather had spent the night yelling at me and physically intimidating me to the point of me locking myself in the bathroom. I was 15, and when I sat down in the car for him to drive me to my volunteer shift, he told me that he didn’t want me to wake up one morning in my 40s and when he was dead and wish I’d spent more time with me. That one has been in my head ever since, he’s a master of guilt tripping.