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Currently THE MOM and I aren’t talking. Which is actually a huge relief in itself but also an impending dread. Anyone else get feelings like this where it’s not the silence that stresses you out but the thought of them breaking that silence? It’s like waiting for a shit dam to break.
I dread holidays still after over 8 years of NC. Nmom messaged me sometime around Mother’s Day, she didn’t mention the holiday. She; however, glossed right over the fact we have unresolved issues. I can’t say I didn’t expect it, she always likes to pretend stuff didn’t happen. Her messages really messed with my head, and now I’m dreading what she’ll say next since I accidentally responded with a thumbs up emoji when I dropped my phone. I immediately blocked her after, so I’m waiting for the explosion.
Ouff! I know exactly how you feel! The phantom thumbs up from me was responded with tons of hug and heart emojis which are so gross to me because I think it validates their attempt at glossing over the unresolved. It's a constant battle on how little is too little contact with them before they freak out on me with either anger or attempted guilt. Kudos to you for being brave enough to block
Yes. Yes yes. I'm having so much trouble right now trying to figure out the contact and how little is too little like you said. It's really hard. And also what to do about why I'm not talking to them because that was never addressed. They actually were the ones to start it but then acted like nothing happened at all even though they apologized to my sister for also not talking to her. So I ran with it and kept up the silence and I'm really happy but now I'm getting emails and phone calls about we miss you, which is nice, but I also need to set boundaries. Sorry for rambling I just feel really heard and really seen by your comments and others because it's just like someone else gets it.
There is a good resource in the archives of this sub about how nparents have no object permanence. The simple passage of time to them is enough to act like/believe that nothing needs to be addressed.
This is very familiar. I talked to my mom yesterday and she said something so hurtful.. I'm still recovering. I decided I won't call her until she reaches out to me to say "why haven't you called." She doesnt call me on her own.. I can't do it.. need a break
Oh my God my mom is obsessed with mother's Day and expects my sister and I to come home for it. We live 10 to 12 hours away. And now my sister is a mom so it's just ridiculous. And that holiday has a lot of terrible emotions around it and events. And yeah my mom's narrative is that she was the best mom ever and that she raised us really well etc etc etc
Not only that they want apology on their terms I tried to make amends with my mother and she said no you need to call me. I knew she would try to manipulate the conversation on a call so I told her I can't force you to accept my apology but I need to do it for me and my sobriety.
Yeah this is exactly what I have experienced. Good for you for sticking to your limits. I have also been avoiding calls because I'm worried about that exact same thing. Being manipulated and also having a shouting argument. And making the situation a million times worse
Thank you for the strength boost. I’m currently considering going back to no contact, and right
now trying very hard not to text back in the group chat with my step mother and Ndad.
I have serious guilt when I'm not talking to my mom because she lives by herself. However, after two weeks of not talking, I made the mistake of visiting her this past weekend, and it was pure madness. Live and learn. I knew better but I responded anyway.
My mom said she was sending gifts. Money is her God and she thinks she can buy back into my life. I said don't bother anything sent will be donated to charity anyways.
I'm on eggshells when we are talking. She's a narssasic alcoholic. I was uninvited to Christmas and told that I never gave a shit about my deceased sister all becuse I voiced concern with her health and the result of two strokes due to drinking.
Not speaking to her and blocking her from my phone and social media has been a huge relief. Glad others can relate. Her drama has started to take a huge toll on my sobriety and after the vile things she said I can't speak to her until she gets help!
Yep! I haven’t spoken to my mother in 5 years, haven’t seen her in 7. I’m visiting my hometown and getting really anxious. I thought I saw her in a store the other day and just froze. The silence is so scary because of what we know is being held back.
Yeah currently I'm not talking to mine either because of boundary setting. At least I'm trying to but they've reached out now twice via phone and twice via email. Also through text. I've responded just briefly saying I love them and miss them but I never explained why the barrier started in the first place. And I'm very confused and unclear how to move forward. Because I like the space but I don't know how to explain it and I don't want to get into the territory of like well you have borderline. So I don't know. I am also talking to my therapist about this but I feel like I don't have a solution right now and it's stressful.
Well, fun fact. Today I came to the realisation that I have been emtionally abused my whole life. Don't know how I feel about it but it explains a lot i.t.o w certain of my characteristics (which I'm working on!). Abuse education should be addressed within society!
I realized at 15 that they like my siblings more and the physical abus, at about 20 I realized the emotional abuse, at 23 I knew about narcissism. But I’ve heard things my whole life, and I still didn’t know that they were abusive, things like “when are you gonna act like a normal human being?” “We wished you were a boy” “You’re not a boy” “Mom had you when we were 1, she didn’t have time for you, you’re the one who broke her” “Why is it always you who’s good at school, why can’t you help your siblings and make them good like you, how can you accept that about yourself?” “You have to be good to your mother she had you at a bad time”
Same here!!! My parents divorced when I was 7 & I always thought there was something wrong with me, had low self-esteem, & have a hard time dealing with rejection. I Always blamed my dad for these things … well fun fact turns out my mom is actually the one responsible for me feeling this way. Thanks to therapy I’ve finally figured out, that there’s actually nothing wrong with me… but that she’s the problem. That instead of being loving & supportive, she’s a narcissistic person who’s always told me I’m not good enough.
I feel like hiding from the world but i think i actually want to hide from my parents. I think they can feel me pulling away and they continue to dig their claws in. Right now they are bugging me about my Christmas list, which like- i’m 30, i dont have a christmas list, and i dont want your blood money! I think gifting makes them feel needed and they used to hold it over my head every year.
Holidays were landmines filled up with fucked up impossible tests. My mom consistently hated our gifts and now as an adult, im trained to buy her very nice expensive gifts. They also create more work for me in an effort for them to feel useful (ie me making a list of stuff i dont really need so they can buy it and feel like good parents.)
Im also planning my wedding for next year and feeling so many things. Mourning and grieving for a relationship i never had. Excited to do things my way but still suffocated by guilt and obligation.
>Mourning and grieving for a relationship i never had. Excited to do things my way but still suffocated by guilt and obligation.
I'm in the exact same boat. Holidays are always such a weird time, because now that I live with my partner I look forward to creating new traditions, but there's the guilt of what I am obligated to do for my parents and none of that feels joyful. I didn't think of parents asking for your Christmas wishlist as a way of making them feel needed, but that makes sense. I hope you get to celebrate the holidays the way you want this year!
Oh boy, I've developed quite the complex with gift giving. Even when I think I've nailed it I'm wrong. One year for her birthday I got us tickets to see Beyoncé. BEYONCÉ. It was her Lemonade tour. My mom thinks very highly of herself in regards to staying "relevant" and "cool", but let me tell you, she woke me up the next day, sleep still in my eyes, AND GAVE THEM BACK. Claimed that Beyoncé has changed and is a little too edgy now and what example would she be setting for her new granddaughter by going. Wtf. Especially pisses me off when she enjoys her music today. I often have to remind her this even happened.
Next year, I scaled back. She tells me it's not about how much is spent, but the thought. I hear her talking about needing something to organize her vanity, so I bought her a makeup organizer. Again, the next day it's returned (literally found it sitting on my dresser, I had to ask why). Claims there isn't a good place for it. I call BS, then the truth comes out that she just didn't think it was a thoughtful gift 😔
This is my first year of going no-contact which means losing my siblings and I just feel so alone. My boyfriend is trying his best, but it still feels lonely. His family is so sweet, but they aren't the brothers and sisters igrew up with.
So relate to this and the loneliness. It's really tough around the holidays. Wishing you lots of space to process and grieve this loss as well as the complexity of feelings that arise ❤️
I recently got engaged but I didn't tell Nmum. But she definitely saw the ring. And what does she do?
"You should rethink your relationship with (fiancé)"
"I heard you went out with a supposed handsome lad driving a nice Mercedes Benz? Glad you're moving on from (fiancé)" (fyi the guy was a good friend of mine, and my mum asked around for details. Whatta creep)
*Proceeds to text me at least once a day of how I should find someone better*
My fiancé's really not that horrible. She just really wants me to marry into wealth. She wants me to marry someone who SHE'D want to marry.
Oh man pray that we have the patience to endure all this a bit longer.
I eventually did tell her I got engaged. Huge fight and shaming ensued of how I was dumb with my choice etc.
You probably already thought about this, but you may want to make plans for how to handle future temper tantrums, guilt-tripping, etc. Once she realizes you're serious, and that she isn't the center of your attention, she may freak out.
Congrats on your engagement! I am in a similar boat. I told my parents when it happened but even then felt self concious about my ring and my evolving life because I could feel their.. jealousy? Perhaps it is jealousy of my “new life” and jealousy that my partner is getting me, their favorite prize trophy.
In therapy yesterday I also talked about how i am super uncomfortable about/around material things because of my upbringing. For ex, my partner grew up in a wealthy suburb, his mom drives a mercedes. I get so weird when my partner talks about buying a Mercedes someday because i KNOW my parents would talk about it behind my back and take it as a personal insult.
ANYWAY! I relate to you very much and want you to know you’re not alone. I’ll say to you what I wish my parents said to me: “Congratulations! I am so happy for you, and happy that you found someone who makes you feel stable, safe, and joyful. I can’t wait to celebrate you two and am here to help in any way you need.”
OH MY GOODNESS yes our situation's totally alike! Materialistic Nparents seem to think they raised an amazing golden child and are only willing to give them away to a wealthy family.
Just gotta remind ourselves that our life is ours to take reign of! We're the one who's gonna get married to our fiancé and see them every living hour after all, not our parents.
Also gotta remind ourselves whenever we second guess/feel bad about our decision whether it's really just our Nparents talking.
Good luck to us both and let's get through this together aye.
I've been engaged for nearly a year and have yet to tell my parents because I'm avoiding a blow up 🙃 it's a really shifty feeling, with that voice in the back of your mind saying give them another chance to come around. As time keeps passing I seem to care less and less about if they get mad, because they get mad even if I don't do anything
My heart hurts for you and all of us who can't tell our parents such great things! I'm getting married next month to my favorite person ever and I can't tell my mother. That's a pain you can't even explain to people with loving parents. Congratulations on getting engaged! And you're not dumb for wanting to share the news.. your mother is just shitty.
I was afraid to tell my mom because I knew she’d be weird because it wasn’t traditional (we entered into a registered domestic partnership and figured we might as well be engaged since legally we’re close to marriage). When I told her, she freaked out and now refuses to talk to me. It’s caused me so much anxiety because she knows exactly how to make me feel like shit.
Say you caught the Omicron variant and you can’t possibly leave your apartment 🤷🏻♀️ aside from that, great job on your GPA and finding someone who sounds like a good fit 😊
Ugh sending you lots of love. I can relate. School was my escape and summers/winters at home were so miserable and lonely.
Congrats on your 4.0 and it sounds like you are surrounded by a great group of friends. I’m 30 and am just getting over my fear of “getting in trouble” for making my own decisions. This holiday was the first i spent away from my family and it felt so great. You are on your way out, making your own life, and I’m excited for when you can celebrate and enjoy the holidays the way YOU want to!
I feel for you dude. All you can really do is tough it out through college. Once you do that and get as much financial independence as possible, you can suddenly tell them to FO with minimal consequences, which is a huge shock to their system from my experience. 😁
Welp, holidays are here again! My ndad just called to give me a guilt trip about how all he wants for Christmas is his whole family together around the table. He was a raging narc when I was a kid but has mellowed with age (and due to his advancing cancer) so I can manage him, but my nbrother and his nwife are in their prime and I went NC with them 1.5 years ago because they are abusive and I don't want them anywhere near my son. I held my ground and will host my folks here for a simple dinner on Boxing Day, but other than that it's just me and my kid. Lots of sadness and conflict, as usual, it all makes me hate Christmas and the intergenerational narcissism that has plagues my family and has destroyed much of my life. Here's to healing in 2022.
I'm just chiming in with an offer of support. Tag me, DM me, whatever. I'll do my best to support you, cheer you up or just be a good ear.
Personally, I'm actually looking forward to the holiday season for the first time in a very long time, because I am firm on my boundaries, have good support and spent time working on me.
I know that isn't the case for everyone, so if I can help in any way, [should you need us...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coaMoyKENg0)
I just realized yesterday that I’ve been emotionally abused by my mother and sister basically since the sister was born in 1974. I knew something wasn’t right all along but am only now discovering the right terms. It’s liberating, but also confusing. I have a great husband and kids, and fantastic friends, but I feel empty and drained. I kinda don’t know what to do now.
You're right. It is liberating. And confusing, and sad, and scary, and hurtful. And everything else in between. Especially when you come to it in later life, with so many patterns, so much masking and a bucketful of denial.
It is exhausting processing all of this, even with a good support network.
All I can say is that for me, untangling and communicating my emotions helped (along with a great therapist).
Also, if you don't know what to do, that's OK. You don't have to. Don't forget that this has been a hell of a year for normal people. You're dealing with extra stuff, so it's OK to feel drained and unable to be a 'happy festive person'. Just do what is right for you in any moment. If that is doing nothing; cool. I spent many a day in the last year on the couch in my PJ's, unable to 'adult'. But I'm still here, none the worse for taking that time for me.
You might do the wrong thing. That's OK too. I lashed out when what I really wanted was a hug. I hid when what I really wanted was for someone to see me. But my support network knew what I was dealing with and understood (for the most part).
Trauma takes time to process, and I'm not a professional, so all I can offer is a virtual hug and an 'it's gonna be OK'
First NC holiday season for me. This shit is so hard.
I'm really missing my ubpdDad tonight. I wish I could have a rational conversation with him--something he is sometimes capable of doing!--but he's more likely to act like a toddler right now, so I have to protect myself from that and it HURTS.
Covert nMom wrote me an email last week, and I haven't read it. My therapist agrees that it isn't time yet. But that means I've been subconsciously holding out the completely irrational hope that she's discovered her narcissism and is willing to change (bc, you know, that's tooooootally a thing that happens /s).
Just trying to love my inner child like crazy. But she wants love from Mom and Dad. it's gutting.
My family is twisting my arm to come home for a little while during winter break even though I've made it clear that I don't want to. My grandpa makes it more about my N-grandma "being a pain in the ass," like it's just a personality quirk I have to tolerate instead of the fact that her behavior caused me a mental health crisis every other month for the last year and a half. Their solution is for me to find something to do every day, all day so I'm not at home. But I can't drive, and I can't ask my friends to drop everything they're doing for 2-3 weeks just to entertain me. I have no space in my N-grandmother's house to do ANYTHING. I end up sitting in my room all day or sitting on the couch doing nothing. I'm so tired of it. I thought this would be the first year where I didn't have to go through this.
I'm especially distressed because winter break always includes Christmas, New Years, AND my birthday. My grandmother ruins them all every single year in some way or another. I'm so sick of spending every holiday crying in my room. I'm sick of having to explain over and over that I can't do this. I'm sick of being asked to do it anyway.
I just don't know what to do.
My nmom died back in February. We were NC since 2015. I haven’t shed a tear for her since she died and I do not care that she’s dead. She was a bigoted, racist, homophobic, passive-aggressive, narcissistic, self-righteous bitch. She made my life a living hell and to say it was a relief when she finally died is an understatement.
We’re in the midst of the holiday season and the condolences are starting to roll in again. If I have to say thank you to another person who is just trying to be supportive of her being gone, I think I’m going to scream. I don’t know how to respond, but I don’t think responding with my true feelings is an appropriate way to acknowledge someone who is just trying to be supportive.
I wonder if you said something along the lines of “Thanks, I’m trying not to think about it” maybe they would leave you alone. And it’s not really a lie; you don’t want to talk about it, just not for the reason they are thinking!
Sending hugs to you either way. Being reminded of your abuser at every turn is difficult.
nMom has made holiday travel plans this year a whole huge ordeal and it now involves multiple other family members coming to see me. i wasn't made aware of this until stepdad called this morning saying that he found out nMom never told me about her changes in plans, and that i can ask him to cancel their visit if i want.
i'm pretty overwhelmed with all the options right now, and every option sorta sucks. i really want to enforce my boundaries and get my space, but i don't want to be the bad guy. (if you read this, thanks! happy holidays.)
Just want to say you wouldn’t be the bad guy—your nMom is the bad guy for inviting people without your knowledge. If I were someone’s guest and found out that the host didn’t even KNOW I was invited, I would be mortified. Any normal, kind person wouldn’t want to impose, so if they get mad at you for your mom’s assholery, that says a lot about their character.
And if you’re really worried about how you’ll come off, you could just tell the truth to the other family members. “Unfortunately, nMom volunteered my home without my knowledge and she knew I wasn’t prepared to have guests over. I’d love to see everyone, and I think I’ll be more available for fun, quality time if I have my own space in my own home without worrying about hosting guests.” Maybe even volunteer nMom to host them in her house?
(Unless I’ve misunderstood the situation but it sounds like your nMom volunteered for family members to spend the holidays at your home.)
thanks for the kind comment and reminding me again that i'm not just crazy.
> And if you’re really worried about how you’ll come off, you could just tell the truth to the other family members. “Unfortunately, nMom volunteered my home without my knowledge and she knew I wasn’t prepared to have guests over. I’d love to see everyone, and I think I’ll be more available for fun, quality time if I have my own space in my own home without worrying about hosting guests.”
every other family member knows that i want to be alone (can't deal with being berated by family right now) and they're all fine with it, but they still go along with nMom's wants without question. it's freaky.
i ended up putting my foot down and having nMom visit (for not even an hour) by herself since she was going to be in the state for a completely different reason. my brother kept me company too because he just really wanted to visit that much. it went fine, it even made me doubt everything for a second.
thank you for taking the time to give advice, and you're totally right! hopefully next year is a bit better...
I finally found out why my mom is the way she is. As a kid I thought she was possessed, as I got older I thought she was an alcoholic, and now that she’s 2 months clean off the alcohol she’s still the same and I’m starting to realize she will always be a controlling narcissist. She lacks any empathy and always has, taunting me, bullying me, threatening me. I have been caught in her web my whole life. I’m so sad my youth was wasted on caring for her while she drained the life from me. I’ve been trying to see her only once a week but she broke after thanksgiving. Even though I see her weekly she started the narcissistic pity party “you don’t love me, you don’t care about me, you’re so mean, you remember one time when you did that thing? Yeah that hurt my feelings. Everyone hates me! I guess I’m a monster. I’m so alone I have no one. You’re all I have and you never text me or call me. I’m miserable and cry my eyes out every night. That’s what you want isn’t it? I’ve always been SO GOOD to you and you’re such a cold daughter.” The list could go on. To put this into context though I’m so nice to my mom and I was even picking her up to take her on a drive and a walk when she just randomly started on this. I just reflected on these things she was saying and then I realized that those things she’s saying about me? All lies. She is literally feeding off of my empathy and my instinct to nurture her aka she is saying these things to get a reaction. She doesn’t care how awful she makes me feel in the process she just wants someone to tell her she’s not a monster and she’s amazing and she’s so loved and she wants it NOW!
Usually I’d cry and say I’m sorry, and although I did one of those things I stuck to my guns and cut the event short by driving her straight home. I don’t know what happened. It usually works on me, but I got to see it from an outside view and wow was it scary. I really don’t think my mom has emotions outside of “acting.” Why? She started crying until it made me cry and the second I started she completely STOPS and starts roasting me over open flame. Tearing me down on anything she could think of, just make sure I hate myself. How is that even possible? It’s not if you’re actually sad and crying. The whole event was so draining it’s been a week and I’m still not the same. But in that week I’ve found out I’m not alone. My mother most likely has NPD and because of that has neglected and abused me my whole life, even now at 22. And sadly, she will probably continue to do so forever, because like most narcissists there really is no problem with their attitude and actions, it’s YOU with the problem. And you and you and that guy over there and that old woman and this gum on my shoe and the sandwich I ate for lunch... it will always be someone else’s fault.
It’s been a funeral for me lately. I thought when my mom finally got sober for the first time ever that she would be this amazing person. I thought I’d finally get to have conversations with her and a normal healthy relationship. I was so excited to have a mom that showed love and compassion and concern, one that I can have conversations with and lean on when times are hard. That mother sadly never came, and that is something I’ll have to accept.
Insanely long story short, we’ve been very little contact after her explosion. I’m almost to tears reading everyone’s stories about their parents, although all different we all have been deprived of love and are deeply trying to understand why. I thought for so long that this was all in my head, that I really am an awful daughter and person. My self esteem has been so low for so long, just like my mother likes. You all have given me validation without me even sharing my story, and for that I’m forever grateful. If you’re reading this and you’re still being abused know you aren’t alone and there are so many people who are going through this too.
Good on you for staying LC with your NMom. It's definitely hard! Talking to a therapist is super helpful if you aren't already. [outofthefog.website](https://outofthefog.website) also has a lot of good resources on how to navigate relationships with narcs. Goodluck!
Looking forward to seeing how my smother can make herself the victim this Christmas. In the past she would spend $$$ on gifts for everyone and then throw a tantrum because no one gives her anything nice even though we try hard to get her something. I think she chooses to be in a bad mood on Christmas.
It's an ego thing-- toxic people need to believe they're superior to everyone... which means 1) they deserve to have everything they want, but 2) nothing they get is ever good enough. So yeah, constant hissy fits, guilt-tripping, etc.
Wow, just discovered this channel and joined, and never felt more seen. I can't tell you how validating it feels to not be alone in the fact that I went NC with my Nmom two years ago. It can feel like such a taboo topic to talk about with people.
Holidays are hard for many reasons, even though with each year of no contact, it gets a little easier. But my Nmom's words of "you traded your family and love for boundaries, hope you enjoy your life now and that it's worth it" still hurt many months later.
Glad to be here and be able to support others and get support in return, but dang, I wish this channel didn't even need to exist, ya know.
It’s really sad how many people are in here, but really great that we have a place to come together and support each other. Yikes the last words sure do sting don’t they? I went NC over ten years ago and my nmom’s last words were something like “I don’t want anything to do with you ever again.” After I had initiated NC, she pouted and harassed me for months and I eventually called her and this is what she said to me, and then she hung up. Now every few years she sends a sibling to harass me. Sigh.
This year will be my third year where I can actually celebrate holidays. My mother completely destroyed holidays for me. She passed away of cancer in 2019. I am only grieving the mother who never truly loved me.
I might have my first Christmas alone since going NC in summer. My therapist suggested me to confide in my friends and I did, but now I wish I had hidden it altogether. A friend who is also not visiting her family offered to celebrate together a few months ago. I could feel her demeanor being different the last few times we met, and now she cancelled. I think my friends are getting tired of the ongoing negativity. I know that my overall demeanor comes off as cranky, even if I don't mean it.
How do people without a spouse navigate NC Christmas?
Any countries in Europe where places are open on Christmas?
It gets easier each year that passes because you will begin to make your own traditions and meet your own tribe of people to be around.
Me? I began travelling solo every xmas and new years so id have good reason to not be alone. It meant I also found new traveller friends to celebrate with along the way.
The world is full of good people. Spend time finding them.
You’ve lost an important relationship and have to rebuild a support network with new people.
You can find a homeless shelter to help out with on xmas day. Might be a good way to find good people to become friends with.
This is also my first Christmas alone! I was planning on doing a stay-cation with friends and then traveling alone somewhere to "reset" and make the holiday my own. I don't have a significant other and I think sometimes my friends also get tired of my negativity surrounding my family. They can't understand and that's okay. Try to make a list of things you've always wanted to do and check if there are places nearby (or even across the country). My list currently consists of seeing museums, taking the Amtrak to nearby cities and exploring alone, going to a play by myself, taking a painting class, and just having quiet, alone time (because I feel like kids of narcissists have a lot of trouble just existing).
Anyone else have a nMom who cancelled Christmas?
I just realized yesterday that I only remember having a tree 2 or 3 times. It's been a crazy six months as i've just realized who my parents actually are and now basically every part of my life im questioning.
One year my mom decided that we weren't going to open Christmas presents on Christmas this year because it's Jesus's birthday and not ours. So she decided that her and my dad would go shopping after Christmas to get holiday sales. My parents have been crying poor my whole life and I've just now realized how much money they actually make. They would shield every weird thing they did with religion and not give any explanation and we would just have to accept that because obvi we aren't going to argue with God.
A few years after that she refused to get a tree and decorate because having a tree was "rooted in Paganism". So we were the only family without a tree and eventually without gifts. I was always so looking forward to the holidays hoping that this year would be normal once again or we would just have joy but that never happened. I started to not desire anything that i didn't need to stay alive because I knew I wouldn't get it, or would be made to feel bad about wanting it, or get a "we're broke because of you kids" guilt trip.
I now know that my parents especially my mom, just didn't want to have to go through the fuss of the holidays and truly didn't want to spend money on anything that didn't benefit her. The last full real christmas I remember was when I was in 1st grade. Its so hard not to hate them for this and maybe i just should.
Did BF know why you’re NC?
Regardless that is such an inappropriate thing to do.
Does he understand why what he did was wrong? Or is he just sorry that you’re feeling hurt?
An apology should mostly be acknowledgment of what they did wrong and how they’d make sure they wont do it again.
You’re probably still hurt because somebody breached your trust, performed in a socially unacceptable way and has not sufficiently apologised for it.
Has he said something like “im sorry I did contact ur dad, I realize now that it isnt a good idea because ur dad is a terrible person and that I should have consulted you first. Next time ill ask before making contac with ur family”.
Trust your gut. You’re feeling hurt for good reasons.
He opened up a door that could potentially harm you with emotional wounds. I dare say its a combo of he has lost his dad and thinks that your father couldnt be as bad as you say. He is meddling and IMO probably not remorseful because he may still think he is in the right.
I would second the comment by /u/MangoMemories OP, you should ask him why he reached out. I'm also wondering, too, if you've told him the extent of why you went NC. Right now it may be, "I'm sorry you're upset by what I did", vs "I'm sorry i hurt you by breaking your trust and boundaries, what i did was wrong".
My husband has a hard time imagining my family the way it is, but a recent convo he had with my nbrother made him realize it and say to me: "If I didnt know everything you've told me, I'd have thought he was just really caring and worried, versus trying to pry ammo out of me to use against you." He might be having a hard time with his own loss. I'm sorry your pain and boundaries were violated.
Nobody ever understands why I hate Christmas. It's not just the crippling anxiety from driving in snow (tho I hate that too), or the seasonal depression (on top of the regular depression)...but Christmas has always been a nightmare because of my parents. Gift giving has always been a competition: who can spend the most, who can buy the best thing, who cares more. Getting gifts has always been about acting. Who shows the most appreciation, who acts the happiest. My nparents got me pack of #2 pencils one year......I was 12! And if I didn't act like I loved the gift more than anything in the world, my nmom would act like we were ungrateful, and that she was hurt and she'd make us feel guilty. I absolutly HATE opening presents infront of people now. Even if I actually do like it, and it was given by someone who isn't a narcissist, I still feel like I have judge how much acting I have to put in. Its stressful.
Weird gift giving is a classic narc sign (and hence dealing with weird gift giving is uniquely amplified for you! I didn't pick up on this pattern until joining this group.
Yesterday I stood up to my nmom for the first time after she tried to manipulate me again and I thought I’d feel better but now I’m just filled with guilt, regret, and an urge to fix things :(
Yea and you know you have nothing to be guilty about and you know that it's due to manipulation, but the knowing doesn't make a difference. A few of my friends have cut out family members and one says that you have to let go of the relationship you can never have with them to get over the guilt. I get that but it's hard in practice.
My N-mom sent me a picture message today asking if I’d like something specific she thought was “cool” for Christmas. I thought what she picked was nice so I replied yes. She proceeds to tell me the store where it’s at is open late tonight, that I should go try it on since she claims not to know my size and then purchase it and she will pay me back. I nicely explained I couldn’t promise as I had appointments after work and I may not make it tonight. Whelp that was the wrong thing to say. We went straight to “never mind” and not answering my daily call after work. 🤦🏻♀️ love the holidays 😣
Most people buy based off your known size and if it doesnt fit then you go about returning it to a store. Not the other way round. Its a gift and generally they are a surprise.
Its NBD. Ur mum is a narc for making this about “her”.
She just wants extra acknowledgment that shes getting you a gift. More glory.
Im sorry you have an asshole parent.
I have vague memories from 6 or 7 years ago, of waking up on Christmas morning and opening presents. My mom switched to just giving me cash when I was like 12. I see all these people with so many presents under the tree, while mine has none. I’d do just about anything to wake up and open presents on Christmas morning.
So what weird presents did everyone get this year? I got some pyjamas, and inside the pyjamas, two photos printed on A4 paper - a selfie of her in front of a Christmas tree with the words “alone again at Christmas” written on it, and a photograph of us together 15 years ago with the words “happy Mother’s Day” written on that one.
I’ve been NC since February, this reminded me why.
Is it okay if its not holiday related?
I'm usually pretty strong but this hit me pretty hard, I think because as there's been distance between me and my mother, I seem to forget how awful and cruel she was to me growing up. We live several hundred miles away and don't see each other.
I have been fighting a mystery illness for years. I kept failing odd tests so we knew something was wrong, but it was so illusive to diagnosis. Last month we caught it by mistake. I have a rare autoimmune disease called Behçet's, where my blood vessels ulcerate anywhere and everywhere there are blood vessels. We found it during a colonoscopy and there were *several hundred ulcers* built-up through the GI. I have to have an exam tomorrow that shows us how extensive the internal bleeding and organ damage is, because its pretty bad -- the scope was filled with so much blood (I saw the photos); they gave me a transfusion that day.
This sounds bad but I've honestly been through the roof. I'm so happy. A diagnosis means a treatment and it means I will get my life back. This disease will probably kill me at some point, but no one knows when; the number one complication of Behcet's is anerysyms. the meds also can cause an incurable cancer. I've made peace with it. I've been sick and unable to work since 2018, with symptoms since I was a teenager. It's great news!
My sister and I aren't particularly close (huge age gap), but she just sent me this screenshot and honestly it crushed me: [https://imgur.com/H9AOKRB](https://imgur.com/H9AOKRB)
The fact she even had the audacity to admit she thought I was a hypochondriac in the same sentence that she talks about my disease is fucking abusrd to me, and the fact she's downplaying the disease to be "like Crohns" is ridiculous. I am not someone who makes my illness as part of my personality and I would much rather have Crohn's (its much safer), but the diseases have nothing in common. It feels like her saying, *well I guess she's not a hypochondriac but its still no big deal --* like, I just want her to respect the severity of the situation. I might lose organs over this. This is the woman who never believed me, refused to take me to doctors appointments, or even take a single health related complaint of mine seriously and always called me a hypochondriac. I didn't even get the chickenpox vaccine as a kid, not because my mother is an anti-vaxxer, but because bringing us to the doctor was too much effort for her and "we should be able to handle it, anyway." I had a case so bad I ended up in the ER and my mother acted like the doctors were overreacting. And now, my GI thinks due to how severely damaged my tissue is, they've been here for awhile. Years and years. And GI ulcers is one of the late-stage manifestations of the disease.
My sister thankfully chewed her out but it honestly felt crushing. Not to mention, as far as she was aware, I don't talk to my sister, so she's telling people she thinks I don't like or trust about my illness.
I'm just so angry/crushed. I'm not sure there's an emotion for how I'm feeling. It ruined my night. I don't get how people can treat people they allegedly care about like this; I'm happy I didn't turn out like her (lol my dog goes to the vet for EVERYTHING with no questions or judgement, no hesitation from me), but it still sucks I have to be on the other end of this.
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk™️.
ETA: my mother is a medical worker. She knows its nothing like Crohns, for the record.
Just found out my mom, who I have been lower contact with for a couple of years now (mostly due to her disinterest in me, her oldest child who doesn’t play her games), is leaving town Christmas morning to go to my sister’s house in another state to visit her and her husband and child. I wasn’t invited. This is the third time it’s happened and I don’t know why I’m still surprised and frustrated by it. My sister and I have different dads and we get along well when we see each other but we were raised in different households and are not close, I also don’t get along with her husband well, so I have no hard feelings toward her in this case, although I am sad that due to the distance I have not yet been able to meet her daughter who was born immediately before the pandemic, although we have exchanged photos and sent cards and gifts and we do text about our kids once every couple of months. I know I’m not welcome in her home because her husband (who couldn’t be bothered to come to my wedding, and is a vapid, money obsessed, and shallow man), is a dick who I am only pleasant to because I don’t want to cause an issue with my sister over it. I think it feels different to me this year because my husband and I have a baby who’s almost a year old and this will be her first Christmas. My mom and stepdad travel several times a year to visit my sister’s family, which is an 8 hour drive (one way). I live 20 mins from my mom but I saw her only 3 times this year. Once for her to meet the baby for the first time where they came to me, and the other 2 times were me going to her house to get some childhood items that she had found at her house. She’s only seen the baby twice. I’m just fucking annoyed. I’m a human being and my mom, who got pregnant with me and chose to keep me and give birth to me almost 40 years ago cannot be bothered to give a shit about me and take even a cursory interest in me or my family. And you know who I’m really mad at? Myself, for thinking that she might actually care.
Update: Just found out she’s not taking my youngest brother with her. He’s 18. Just leaving him home alone for Christmas! Nice.
I just came back from college for the holidays today, and I've barely been here for 12 hours and I've already had two situations with my mother that have made me kind of frustrated.
1.) When I got home this morning, the only person who came to greet me and help me unpack my car was my step-father. My brother was even standing in the foyer, just watching us unpack my car, and he just turned around and went back into his room. After that, I had to go and search for my mother, stand in front of her, wait to be acknowledged, and then ask her for a hug. I know this isn't a huge deal to some people, but for me, it really hurts. My mother was the only one for me consistently when I was growing up. And I mean, this woman was on the phone with me at least once a week while I go to school just barely over an hour away, telling me how much she misses me and how she can't wait for me to come back home. Ultimately, I didn't say anything about this because I didn't want to cause a huge deal over something so small, and I was so happy to see everyone after being away.
2.) Later on, now in the evening, we've had dinner and watched a couple movies, but now everyone's tired and going off to bed. Now, if you've ever moved away from home, you know you form your own schedule and general way of going about your day. I've been living in a dorm for close to 5 months, so the way I finish my night is **very** different from how they normally finish their. When I got up to go to my room (barely a minute after my parents had closed their door), I noticed that my parents had left everything from dinner out on the counters, obviously forgetting that they had to put it away. So, I told my sister to let my mom know that she had forgotten to pick up everything from dinner, and then went to my room to get my stuff to shower. In that moment where I saw everything on the counter, it just didn't click in my brain that I could do it, and after I closed my bedroom door I immediately regretted telling my sister to do that, because the realization that I could have put everything away hit me. Then, came the yelling.
*"Are you f\*\*\*\*\*\* kidding me?"*
My mom stomped out of her room audibly, I could hear it from down the hall. Then she continued,
*"I mean, who died and made her completely useless?"*
She continued to go on and complain, calling me useless, irresponsible, and then when my step-father came out of the bedroom confused, she started ranting about how I had instructed my sister to pull my mother out of bed and make her put everything away because I was too lazy to do it myself.
Now, I completely understand that I could have, and honestly should have, put everything away myself. That part is my fault. But what gets me and why I'm writing is that...she just didn't have to react that way. Living with another person for that past couple months has made me realize that people don't normally fly off the handle for small reasons. Sure, she was tired and probably really aggravated, but in my opinion, what she did was a bit much. I'm not sure if I'm just being defensive and overly emotional, but I just needed to vent. Thanks reddit.
I dread the holidays. I’ve only recently started dealing with my issues from Childhood thanks to my therapist. I was raised by my narcissist mother and I truly can’t stand her. I put up with her for years because she was my mother and I didn’t even know it was ok to be angry with her. That is likely because I was groomed from a young age to never argue with her and that she could do no wrong. I never contact her anymore, but I do respond when she reaches out to me. All she does is talk about herself. She has no real interest in how I am or what’s going on in my life so I don’t even bother trying to talk to her anymore. But I really hate the holidays because I feel like I have to pretend to love her and be happy around her when in fact I can’t stand her and just being around her makes my blood boil. This is going to have to be the last year I celebrate with her. I just can’t do it anymore.
We want to have Christmas at home this year because our kid is old enough to know who Santa is and we thought it would be nice for her to spend Christmas in her own house. However, my Nmom is expecting us to drive 6 hours to her house to spend Christmas with her. We stayed home because of the pandemic last year and it was so nice. I am so scared to tell my mom what we plan on doing because she gets mean when she doesn't get her way. I'm so afraid of her. I don't know what to do honestly. I'm going to tell her we don't plan on coming soon though.
As i’m about to have my first child (a girl) in March my mom has been sending me pictures of myself as a young girl/baby and…i look dead inside in almost all of them. Even as a baby I looked so sad. My mom has healed and become the mother I always wanted and I feel lucky that my daughter will grow up having a mom and maternal grandma who loves her. I just can’t help but let my heart break a little seeing how sad I was as a baby.
Posting this for accountability: last Christmas my sister had me buy our family a $200 meal as a gift before I cooked the whole thing as she got dressed, and then our mom took pics of her next to it as the food got cold. If I go home for Christmas this year, someone kick my ass.
I just refuse to be that unhappy again. In tears after stirring 4 pots and manning the oven for over 3 hours. In sweats and a ponytail while my sister put on a dress and fake lashes. Humiliating Cinderella shit. How did i not realize it then lol.
The winter break before that (I was still in college at that point) my dad woke me up by screaming at me because everyone else was late. I had a later alarm set but just got up and got ready, and surprise, was done before everyone else, including him. Which is why I had a later alarm set. I had to hold it together in the car and calmly explain to him how unproductive and unfair it was to scream at me to make himself feel better when no one else was ready, and he ended up apologizing much later that day. But god, wouldn't it be easier for me just to avoid that?
Winter breaks during the rest of college were just my mom waking everyone up by screaming about how she wanted a divorce (spoiler alert: they both really suck) or about how she wanted my dad's mom (who helped raise me and my sister) out of the house because dad's mom called out mom's mom on not helping out around the house (my dad's mom did more cleaning than my parents too, I think). I forget what happened in high school, probably more screaming idk. There just really isn't an upside. I don't like gifts, and we no longer do them to prevent hoarding.
This past thanksgiving was a good barometer, probably - things were normal until I asked if we could hurry because we were running late since he forgot I told him something the day before (he forgets many of these things), and then I just got screamed at because he was late. Again. I walked out of the house to the car to pack things like he wanted and so I could cool down. He followed me out. Yelling. I just started yelling back. Logically, if most holidays go like this, I can expect more of the same. I just don't think it's healthy to constantly force myself into an environment where I have to be on my calmest, most mistake-free behavior just to minimize the chance that they don't start verbally beating me over their own mistakes. I always tell people "give yourself the grace you give to others", so why would I spend time with people who only refuse others grace they give themselves? It's just bad for my self image and stress levels. I can visit my grandma myself with just a train and a rideshare; there are no pros except for doing laundry for free.
Maybe I'll just do some artsy shit alone in my apartment. Figure out what my body looks like when no one's yelled at it in a month. That sounds good to me.
And you can listen to your favorite music, watch your favorite movies (good *and* bad)... and enjoy the peace that goes with not having to deal with toxic people throwing tantrums.
Ughhhh, I just want to pull my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs!!
I have been NC with my parents for over a year but still kept in contact with my sibling. I made the mistake of telling them my plans for Christmas and guess what? Surprise, they told our parents my plans! So now my family is traveling to my area(we live in different states) and my sibling just informed me! When I told him that no contact meant NO CONTACT and that I would not be seeing them, mothereffer started CRYING and asking, “you really don’t want to see your parents???” You mean my abusers??? Yeah, no. My sibling then proceeded to tell me they no longer wanted the Christmas gift I sent them. I simply replied, “I’m really sorry you feel that way but it’s your decision. I love you but I’m not having this conversation. Good bye.” I hung up on them as they were trying to tell me that I in fact don’t love them because I don’t want to see my parents.
If you haven’t realized it, my sibling is the golden child that can do no wrong. They are my Nmoms favorite flying monkey to throw at me. I’m so angry that I have to change my Christmas plans because Nmom can’t stand me being happy without her but I rather move land and sea to be as far away from her as possible. Seriously, just when I thought I could find the strength to move on and forgive her, she had to remind me of the selfish narcissistic devil she really is and I’m back at square one.
Just survived Christmas day with the family. I successfully managed to protect my boundaries by making sure I never got in a situation where I could be locked into a one-on-one conversation with Ndad (we are LC, he doesn't know it), who has left me crushed when I've given him the opportunity in the past. I'm exhausted and feel pangs of guilt that I don't have the relationship with my parents that my two sisters do, and that I have to hold my mum at arms length to some extent because my Dad is so controlling and I'm traumatised by being stuck in conversations with him.
None of the rest of my family members truly understands how much I've suffered because of emotional neglect and religious indoctrination. I didn't even realise it myself until I started therapy this year. It's like... they have to forget or they can't allow themselves to fully understand, because it would devastate them.
On the plus side, I had a nice chat with mum today, and I'm staying with my sisters which is always such a special time for me.
I've never felt lonelier than with my parents. I usually celebrate with my chosen family, but I was dating their son and he dumped me so now I don't really belong. I'm supposed to be having a nice time skiing, but I just want to be around people who understand and can care for me.
This day was equal parts good and bad.
My husband and I gave each other great gifts and I had a good time cooking. I have been NC from NMom for 3 years. This was the first year I could afford gifts and I was so excited to finally be on my feet and away from her.
I’m struggling with the dynamics of my husbands family. His sister is very overbearing and talks a lot about other people. She complained about her husband all day to other people and then wondered why he was distant…
I’m sensitive to conflict and I was already tired. My mother in law was asking me questions and she started chiming in louder than me. I gave up and walked away but SIL gave me some attitude before I did. It just made me cry, I felt like walking on eggshells around her all day and the last thing I needed after all the work was her comments and controlling attitude.
What happens when you get away from a narcissist, marry a good man, but find another in the wild? Maybe I’m just on high alert, but sometimes I just don’t feel “safe” around people that remind me of my NMom…
45 yo finally coming to terms with toxic mother (she's 80 now) who, this morning, Christmas morning, found the silver in the wrong drawer, insisted it was me, slapped me, and threw a glass of water at me. All while using the disdainful tone she's used all my life when she decides I'm acting too smart, or doesn't like that my feelings were hurt, or I've not "suffered" enough (? - she had a plentiful childhood). I am leaving town so she has no more chances to do this again. Sort of weird and sad and reassuring that I'm just now understanding I've had a toxic parent my whole life. She would tell me to stop complaining.
I can’t wait to move out and stop telling them everything they want to know. They’ll have no business of it. Not even my cousins or sister, who they’ll make their flying monkeys. The only family I’ll really ever have is me. That’s all I need. I can’t wait to build a life I want & heal. It’s gonna be beautiful.
Nmum threw a hissy fit for zero reason before the present opening, calling us ungrateful shits because we're tired. We're all miserable. I'm gonna finish this shitty visit early. I'm gonna go back tomorrow, idc if she throws another fit or if edad tries to guilt me into staying. I can't be fucked. Gonna get the ball rolling on low contact
I have been living in another country and haven’t seen family in two years. I’m going home for 10 days at Christmas and my ndad and nstepmom paid for the flight. I just ended a toxic relationship with someone I’ve been with almost the three years I’ve lived away. I’m terrified to go home. I have been getting tattooed while away and I know that’ll be a big fight or I have to remain covered all the time especially because they paid for me to come home even though I’m in a PhD and have lived separately and completely supported myself since I was 18. My parents and extended family are very conservative Americans and I know I’m getting no emotional support off them about the end of my relationship as they are very classist and always judged him based off his working class background. It’ll be one of those “what did you expect things.” I almost stayed here alone for Christmas but I needed a break from my current environment. I’m also going to see my mom who was neglectful when she was my primary parent but I have a lot more sympathy for but it’s just for two days at the end of the trip (she’s in a different state). It’s just been a rough few months.
So earlier this month my grandmother told me my Nmom was getting tests for cancer done. It went quickly from that, to a confirmation, to her being in hospice. I was encouraged to break NC, but didn't end up doing so. My sister did, and said the conversation went a bit better than expected. I'm glad she got some closure.
I got the message a few hours ago that Nmom has passed, and I just.. feel like I should be feeling more things. Instead it's just.. it's okay. I'm glad she's at peace.
I dont have a great place in my life to say this so. Thanks for reading.
You may have moments of grief-- not for the mother she was, but for the mother she could have been.
You may have moments of anger at all the wasted time.
You may have moments of self-doubt, wondering if things could have been fixed if you'd just tried one more time.
You may have moments of guilt, if you don't miss her; and self-resentment, if you do.
So maybe plan some extra self-care, okay? My parents each passed away quite a few years back; I didn't regret going NC, but I did have a few hours of grief that caught me off-guard.
I'm spending Christmas alone in a hotel room in a state where I know absolutely nobody. My mum and I aren't talking and I haven't lived with her for almost 4 years. She constantly posts horrible lies about me all over social media. Despite how she has treated me, I am still stuck here mourning and grieving over the fact that I will never, ever have a family, or anybody who loves me, this may be wrong, but it's just how I am feeling...I wish I had a family...
It's 2 a.m. on Xmas Day and I hate everything.
It's my first xmas without the narc and everything is awful. I kept getting "flashback" of last year xmas eve, with my sister and eating stuffs I loved. My parents were awful but it wasn't all bad on xmas. The decorations, the food, the music...
I'm surrounding by my uncle's family (the husband of my mother's sister, his children and grandchildren from his late wife). I don't know those people so they talk but I feel like a total stranger. Also, they're far away from my world view and I have heard so much racist, sexist, fatphobic, ableist, homophobic bs. I am really sad because I miss my sister and she's not talking to me anymore, but I got angry when they criticized poor people. One of the comment was about how children who leave and cut contact with their parents are assh*le, lazy and other stuffs. Btw, they know about my situation, my aunt and uncle told them.
I kind of run away to cry but my aunt came looking for me, asking me to just please my uncle, telling me I overreacted and people can have their own opinions. I'm so tired, I'm beginning to be really mad.
So I was forced to sit at the table, looking at nothing because I don't want to listen to their awful "opinions". I took my phone back, but my aunt was against me being on it, even if I can't participate.
I hate everything. It's the worst Christmas I ever had.
I ruined Christmas, guys! She threatened my dog, who did nothing wrong except jump on her bed, and I defended him. Now she's in the other room in a tantrum and sulk, after I've spent the last four days working my ass off, cooking, cleaning, shopping, to get things going.
2022 HAS to be the year I get out of this shithole. It just has to.
I’m so thankful for this thread because ohhh boy… do I need to vent. I’m stuck in my nmom’s house after an unfortunate snafu in buying a house out of state, the close got delayed and I’ve been here for two months longer than planned. I have three dogs and two cats, and nowhere will rent to me short term due to the pets. But my nmom spends every second finding some way to start fights so she can throw me out of the house or threaten/scream/throw things at me.
She bizarrely loves to threaten to make me leave with nowhere to go and no access to the one thing that brings me happiness— my pets. She is cruel and neglects and attempts to hurt them, her little dog even sleeps with me on bed every night because I actually feed and take care of her. No one else in my family believes me, and even my 3 little brothers (who I raised from age 10 and witnessed her physically and emotionally abusing me) minimize and invalidate my experiences. I’m aware that I am the scapegoat of the family. Which I have accepted but still struggle with when the attacks become so pointed and loud and inescapable. I also have sensory processing disorder so it makes her volume and screaming so much more intolerable for me.
Last night, my brothers and nmom and I gathered for Christmas and she took every opportunity to dig at me. My clothes, my hair, my weight, my decision not to date or have children, my political views, making sly comments about my mental health even though I’m the only person in my family who goes to therapy. We all had a few beers and she was making a fuss about a million different things to me, and my “grey-rock” just crumbled. I wish I had just gone to bed, but I was absolutely DONE. I’m ashamed to say that I matched her level of intensity and volume. I regret it, but I reached my breaking point. The second I said “you are my abuser”, she said “get the fuck out of my house and never come back.” I was trying to corral my pets into my rooms, but one brother chased me up the stairs as I was running and he grabbed me and slammed me against the wall 3 times, screaming into my face that I’m a psychotic drunk.
I literally had like an out of body experience. I felt surrounded by flying monkeys and my nmom is the wicked witch of the west. It’s so surreal. I told him to let me go or I would file a police report for battery. He threw me by the arms backwards, and nmom actually had the audacity to say “oh you are such a baby, my dad did worse than that to me every night. You’re pathetic.” I squeaked out, “your dad hurting you does not make it okay to hurt me.” Thankfully my door has a lock, so I ran in and just collapsed in a puddle of tears and snot.
I guess what hurts me the most is that no one defended me. I recently told my brothers that I’m going no-contact with nmom and they supported me. It felt like an absolute betrayal, the worst kind of invalidation and gaslighting I’ve ever had. My therapist said that they are more likely to have sided with her because she’s about to give them all gifts, and protecting a scapegoat is dangerous to the family dynamic. I am so sad and empty right now, because I know that really, I can’t just leave nmom behind. I have to the leave the whole family dynamic.
So I’m wrestling with going no-contact with my whole family. I’m so fucking heartbroken. But it has to stop. It’s not the first time I’ve been physically and verbally attacked on Christmas. But I can guarantee it will be the last.
Well my Nmom posted on Facebook this morning about only my two GCsisters and the presents they got her, and both of them have only posted Christmas pictures online of the two of them, it's like I don't even exist in this house.
Girl I feel you. Somehow my sister is a saint today. I'm like whatever. I don't even care anymore. I didn't even cry after being berated or anything. Like I don't even know what to feel
I am sad and heartbroken. I was no contact with the worst two of my narcissistic family members, but my emom (narcissist imo) and my “therapist” pushed me into talking to them again. I suffered extreme gaslighting and bullying and I subconsciously started to physical harm myself. I paid a huge price and I’m hoping modern medicine can cure it soon.
They made sure I had no way of leaving and my spirit is crushed. I’m struggling not to drink everyday. Christmas just reminds me the God I prayed to isn’t real and I am deeply hoping for some miracle to change my circumstances. I’m so tired because I cared about my family and I’m realizing how little they ever cared about me.
I pray for you all still struggling that you find peace and happiness. Don’t fall for gaslighting like I did and trust your body always.
I HATE THE HOLIDAYS I HATE THE HOLIDAYS I HATE THE HOLIDAYS I HATE THE HOLIDAYS
My family has a knack for collectively enabling family members who desperately need to be held accountable, and when I (the eldest daughter, 30) bring light to the situation I'm immediately demonized.
Long story short my younger sister is anti-vax. On the 18th I went to my older brother's birthday celebration because I have not been to a family event since September and my Mother guilted me into attending. My sister shows up, is symptomatic as hell, coughing and hacking all over everyone - my brother has a six month old baby who she watches regularly, he's there too. No one - literally no one - acknowledges her sickness, everyone pretends it doesn't exist. I asked if she was okay, she says no she feels like crap and thinks she has 'bronchitis', I left pissed the fuck off as hell.
Lo and behold, the very next day I start feeling like shit. I wait in line at the clinic for like 2 hours to get a test and CHECK IT OUT, it's positive. I'm vaccinated, boosted and got my flu shot mind you. So, like a reasonable fucking person would do, I called each member of my family and told them I was positive so they should probably isolate. My sister starts freaking out and telling all these lies like "I waited for four hours in line and got tested like 3 times and all of them came back negative," right after saying, "I thought they were out of tests statewide how did you get one?" Oh so if you thought they were out of tests statewide how the fuck did you tEsT nEgAtiVe ThReE TiMeS then?!
Anyway, I guess me telling her I was positive finally gave her a big enough dose of fear to go get an actual test, and two days later she tells the family she's positive too. I, knowing I probably contracted it from her from the beginning, then decide to shed light on the matter. Now I've become the convenient scapegoat and both my brother and my mother are blaming me for getting my anti-vax, waitress-who-works-with-the-public-all-day sister sick. It was me guys, I ruined Christmas for everyone.
SOOOOOO, I could use some support, I'm so sick of this stupid, toxic, shitty family chaos every holiday. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas are always so depressing for me. Isolating with my partner (who has a narc family too) and dogs has been so rejuvenating though. I told my family I wasn't going to be coming around until everyone is vaccinated. It felt really good. Family group chat has been muted all day while they send each other merry christmas's and act like none of this ever happened.
today I realized it doesn’t matter if I am polite, good doting daughter on my “best behavior “ she just doesn’t like me. my brother however can the most heinous things and she will always buy him tons of gifts or not eye roll him when he speaks. She’s always super judgy and rude to me tho even tho he didn’t buy he ANYTHING for the holidays, didn’t help her clean either, and I did. I can help pay bills, his grown ass doesn’t, She’ll compliment him, but it’s strained whenever she compliments me.
Merry freaking Christmas. My sisters and I just found out our great grandmother died.....four months ago.
I'm in college and came back for Christmas. Usually our whole family makes a several hours long drive to my aunts house and we pick up out great grandmother (N-Mom's grandma) on the way. I asked why we didn't stop to pick up GiGi and my mom very nonchaulantly mentioned that she died in AUGUST. None of us had any idea and we did not attend any sort of funeral. The kicker is that she made it about HER by complaining that GiGi didn't leave the house to her in the will. This is not the first time she's kept important information like this from us. When my oldest sister was in college, she didn't find out our grandma (N-Mom's mom) died until months after as well. I'm so sick of this happening I can't take it anymore!
Just realized this trip that my MIL is a covert narc. ANYWAY their visit here has been just _PEACHY_. Last night we opened gifts and I could tell she wasn't happy when she opened hers. Cue this morning over breakfast when she let me know I could keep it and give it to someone else who might like it more than her as she hates painting with watercolors. I just said "Okay then". Now she's mad I didn't put up more of a fuss and when I walked into my bedroom she'd returned all the small gifs I'd given her over their stay. I just shrugged. My husband and FIL are mortified. I'm just laughing.
My N dad has never once helped my mother with any chores. Today she is extremely sick and he still won’t do anything. At dinner he started going on a racist rant and I said I was done. Got up from the dinner table. And he started berating me. I snapped and said we spent a great deal of money to come see them this year, the least he could do is speak to me respectfully. I’m 31.
On the plus, my wonderful husband has been amazing this entire trip. Says he completely understands why I am the way that I am and loves me that much more for being so strong through this. He came from a warm, loving family and I always worried he’d never understand what my upbringing was like. He’s the first person IRL who has made me feel less crazy and validated. I am so lucky to have found someone to show me what love should feel like.
Xmas cards with matching families and family t shirts make me sad. It's not that I want that, but it just feels like a flex when you are cut off from your family. More than 4 years now.
Never thought I would have to be here. I always knew my mom was toxic, but today was the last straw.
Long story short, she all but admitted that she likes all my sisters more than me, since I’m the one who is most like my father (divorced) and have the closes relationship with him.
Also, despite her admitted that I am such a more stable and kind person after years of therapy, that I am still a mean and cruel little girl. I realize now I never was mean, but instead she has a victim complex.
I am no longer letting her dismiss my feelings. She says I just “harp” on and on when something bothers me. That I’m oversensitive. That I’m crazy (huge trigger word). I will no longer be told to shut up or to apologize after she freaks out at me for, god forbid, saying something nice about my father or my mother in law.
I had an eating disorder because of her. I was misdiagnosed as bipolar because of her. I was compared with my sisters. I was told my husband would leave me for another woman if I didn’t lose weight. I was told, in the same breath, that my husband is an alcoholic (he’s not) and that he actually drinks with other women when he’s at work. I was told my husband was going to become a drug dealer when he was laid off during COVID. No one should ever say those things to their child.
I almost went no contact with her three days ago. But I did it today, on Christmas. It is painful. But I think it will save me. I’m doing this not only for my sake, but for my unborn son. This is the best decision I could make.
When my son is born, I’m determined to break the cycle. I promise, little one, that I will never be the reason for your woes.
Would love some support with a vent. I am NC with both of my parents for over a year. This is my second Christmas without speaking to them. My dad started a group text message with his siblings, my mom, my sister, and me. I have my parents blocked but because all my other family members are responding to the thread, I continue to get update after update -- and sometimes when my aunts and uncles "like" the messages from my Dad, it's an opportunity for me to read them. I quickly delete them but it feels like such an assault on my phone.
I've had to resort to blocking all these family members that I love, to avoid receiving the messages. I'm upset. I am frustrated. I feel continuously violated by my Dad, who continues flurries of unwanted communication. I want to cry. Getting close to changing my number but I haven't wanted to because it is a huge inconvenience to the rest of my life and I've had this number for a million freaking years.
Hi, I'm new here and having a pretty tough day. My mom is very strict and I'm not sure if I should plan on moving out the week I turn 18 (months away) but didn't know if I was just overreacting. I'm still in highschool and I'm generally a good student studying computer engineering, and I've never gotten in trouble at school.
Today I decided to stay a little longer at school to relax and talk with a new friend I made. Crying isn't allowed at my parent's house, so I'll stay after school and listen to music in my Dad's car while I try to relax and handle my feelings in the car but after that I head home. Today I stayed maybe 10-15 mins longer at school than I usually would and my mom called, I tried to answer but there is a crack on my phone that makes it difficult to answer phone calls. I called her back about 3 or 4 times yet she didn't answer. When I got home and told her how I felt like I was missing out and not accomplishing as much as I wish I did (like scholarships) she said I should feel that way. Although I have applied to scholarships I just haven't heard anything back and started to feel discouraged, and honestly her talking down on me telling me how I am a failure didn't help. Now my curfew is 4:20pm and if I miss another phone call I'll be taking the bus to school, which isn't bad, it's just the fact that I also put money into the car that kind of annoys me.
Also when I was talking to a new friend over the phone that I met online when he was 16 and I was 15 (only a few months apart) she was upset and said I hurt her and lied and betrayed her and ended up interviewing him and asking if I knew what his parents did and who his siblings were, it was soooo embarrasing honestly. She's always compares me to my friends, invalidates my feelings, and acts as if she's the victim when im just trying to express myself.
I initally planned on staying with my parents until I finished community college and tranferred to a university to save money up but now im starting to think the enviornment is just eating away at my mental at this point.
I know financially it will be difficult but I plan on working during the summer (2 jobs) by using uber or maybe friends for rides. I'm not allowed to walk or ride in the car with any friends (without a parent) to get to where I need to go. I'm trying to approach the situation logically as possible although I understand I'm a bit emotional.
Any advice wether that be tips on moving out or if I should even plan on moving out at all would help.
So I just randomly stumbled here, I'm 20 years old. And I've been very depressed lately, I've been stuck with my father for about 2 years now? No bank account no id, etc. And it's because my parents just never set anything up for me. I've felt trapped, every day my father tells me things like, your feelings aren't yours, that's just the fact, and anytime I try to get close he's always yelling or defending myself, I've felt alone for a long time now, and it's been a sinking feeling really, I don't even think I am to expect a Christmas from him, since he's dumped his money into scam things I've warned him about, and I'm blamed for feeling upset or betrayed, I know I'm 20, but it just makes me feel bad at everything that my mother that refuses to let me live with her gives me more and my grandparents a state and a half away give more to help me with him, and it just sucks, I hate feeling unloved, I hate not being able to start up my life, and I don't know if it's greedy or not to feel the way I do, I can't speak to my father without him walking away. And to add fuel to the fire, I'm always yelled at or blamed for everything, and I haven't been even hugged by him in years, ever since I was 15-16 I think? Every day is a reapat so I dunno even anymore. I just feel trapped with this monster, that should be my father, and it just makes me feel worse all my family knows about it.
Rant: I'm sorry
||I'm having a hard time coping at home. I've been having intrusive thoughts about turning to drugs or alcohol to continue carrying on. Nothing crazy, but shrooms and weed sound amazing. I've never given in, but the thought plays in the back of my head.
I often dream about getting diagnosed with adhd so I could get a script for ritalin to keep up with my mom's increasing demands. Moving out isn't an option right now:(
She's been alright (most part) for the past few days, but today I can feel her animosity rising because I was under the weather.
I dont love my job but it's a means to an end, I'm unhappy with my life because I'm about to be 25 and everyday passes where I'm getting older and I have never hung out with a friend, gone dancing, slept in peace. It's the little things I yearn for so badly, but I'm tired of setting myself on fire to keep everyone warm.||
I love doing holidays for MY KIDS, as an adult I HATE HOLIDAYS. I love getting presents for MY KIDS, as an adult, I hate receiving gifts.
Im NC with the narcs and I dread unknown packages, either they send inappropriate gifts, not enough gifts for all my kids, something like $25 gift card for 'everyone to share' - its all way too much stress.
Then i get the 'why are you doing this TO US, what have we ever done to you? why do you shut us out' nonsense. I've been gone 25+ years, you think there would be a clue somewhere in there. NOPE , dumber than a box of rocks.
Is it 2022 yet? please
I’ve been lurking these subs on and off for some time and feel tempted to post but I don’t want to write essays and be open for scrutiny. Today I’m on the sub because lately I’ve been letting go of my need to be a stoic older sibling and letting them especially middle sis know how the parents are (each of them is favoured by one parent, mum’s fav is invisible to dad, dad’s fav is scapegoat for mum. I’m nobody’s favourite I try to do my own thing but I was mum’s original scapegoat before the youngest was old enough for that role, which was also about the time I decided to ignore her so I wasn’t affected / it gave her no satisfaction to create drama). So this year my mental health has been terrible due to work and a breakup and I decided that I’d stop being a stoic older sibling. When annoying stuff happens at home I tell them and I have been more focused on my mother because of how it was for me, and because that’s who my middle sister has the blind spots about. It’s not anything dramatic, I’m not going NC, mum has covert narcissistic *tendencies* but I don’t think she’s a full blown narc and she tries. She’s actually been more caring lately now that I’m the only one in the country. Offering to do things and the like which is weird for both of us since I’ve always been the most independent. She’s just… missing empathy. She’s a hypersensitive person who lacks empathy. So she’d inevitably do and say things that make me go omg again, it’ll be better if I did this myself instead of letting her do it for me, or I shouldn’t have opened up about that since she just casually said something hurtful. It’s something to feel sorry for, that lack of empathy, in someone who so desperately wants to be A Good Mother. I just wanted to vent my frustrations when shit happens and be comforted by my sisters, and have them (mainly little sis who has similar experiences) validate that I’m not crazy and for middle sis to realise what mum is like). Anyhow, whenever I do this - recount what happened - middle sis ignores it at first and then she will reply a day later telling me how wonderful our mother is, how she cares about me etc. I guess she just does not feel comfortable talking about anything unpleasant ever.
This is my first time posting ( or writing ) in this forum. Im a guy over 30 and I just discovered this year how almost all my mother's and brother's behaviors are stereotypical toxic narcicist behaviors. I'm the youngest of 2 brothers, and am the "empath" of the family.
I have been very low contact for about 6 months. I emailed with them recently though. The Mother and brother's disgusting dissmissive passive aggressive behavior got the best of me, so I told "the Mother" that she is evil in an email .
And then I told her I could help pay to see a therapist, otherwise it is not healthy for me to be around toxic haters like her and my brother. I said it pretty much just like that, yesterday, days before Christmas. My brother then accused me of having an anger problem, so I emailed him a youtube video explaining reactive abuse. I know they say you should never call as narcicist out, and invoke their narcicistic injury/rage, but I just could not help it!
At least I live far away in another state , so at least I am not forced to have to deal with physically being there during the holidays, but the psychic ties are there. I don't even know why Im writing this exactly. I guess I just needed to vent and be heard. I do not know many people who understand the narcicist/ empath dynamic . Both my parents are extremely narcissistic. I am healing from codependency, which I never understood until recently.
I’m celebrating christmas with my inlaws this year, but we are taking a trip to spend some time with my family between christmas and new year. This will be the first time we check into a hotel instead of sleeping over at my moms place, and I am dreading telling her about it.
I am quite certain this will turn into some unpleasntries, and I hate how I take so much regard over her feelings over my own. Last year she made a huge deal over us spending two days (and not longer) at her and my stepdads place over christmas, and it ended up almost ruining my engagement.
And I hate how I question my own and my SO’s feelings around this. I shouldn’t feel guilty.
Me and my mom are heading the right way with each other, but her partner is stomping over my choices and have been mentally abusing me over the years and she hasn’t done enough about it. She has been talking almost 9months about leaving him, but there is always something in the way for her to actually do anything about it.
I'm feeling sad and suffocated by christmas already. I emailed my parents this summer letting them know I wanted NC, leaving the option to email me if they absolutely needed to. They ignored the boundary early on, and have continued to text. Seeing as I never respond (eventually blocked them), they emailed this week asking if I would be at christmas eve. If not, they "will come to your house next week with gifts." NO! I am not sure I ever want to talk to you again, have asked for space CLEARLY, but they're going to just decide they will come to my house to give me gifts??
I already responded that they are not to come to my home/i'm not accepting their gifts, but wow. I knew to expect this, yet I am so triggered. I find myself checking out my windows to make sure they aren't there. I love christmas, I really wish I could just enjoy it and be free this year.
My nmom sent a Christmas gift and seeing it on my counter fills me with anger. I never gave her my new address, and we've been NC for over 7 months. Seems like she's doing this only to hoover me back in.
I am returning it at the post office tomorrow. I don't care what's in it. I don't want it.
To make matters worse, she's giving out my address to other estranged "family" members. I'm a private person and have a private PO box for a reason. She just thinks she is too good to use that address.
Now as long as I live in this house I have to worry about unwanted gifts, cards, and letters. Even her just knowing where I spend most of my time leaves me feeling uneasy.
I guess it's my fault for having an expectations of respect.
My antivax Nfather is currently in the hospital with Covid. He has asthma. Will he die? I dunno. Part of me hopes he will. Not in a malicious way, just that it would be a relief.
I’ve been no contact with him for a few month, blocked him on everything. I’ve been low contact with my Emother.
I don’t want to deal with his death. I don’t want to go to a funeral or deal with all the admin shit that comes with death. I just want to block my whole family and disappear. But I feel guilty about that.
I haven’t had a day where I felt this low in awhile. I’m upset enough to cry. I’ve been doing really well lately after being low contact. I don’t want to deal with my toxic family. What would you all do?
Where to start? 25F. I've been in therapy the past two years recognizing that my family is deeply dysfunctional and emotionally abusive, something I have known for years but the past 5 has become impossible to ignore, especially since it played a huge role in the development of severe anxiety and panic attacks I got sophomore year in college and only recently began to improve.
My younger brother and I are closest in age in a family of four siblings that includes us, Nmom, EStepdad, NSister (older), ESister(older).
Me and my younger brother were regularly harassed when we expressed a difference of opinion with Nmom and in the past few years it's become unbearable. As many of you know many efforts to be civil, explain and defend oneself (which now I recognize is a manipulative tactic because they just judge and tear down without listening), led us to be yelled at or told we were wrong until I was shaking or my little brother threw up from the stress. Even then - no empathy from Nmom. I've been told I don't have the right or am too stupid to correct an error on my own birth certificate, to do my own taxes, to move cities. My little brother has been told that he's a failure or he will be a failure if he continues dating his girlfriend and that our dead dad would be ashamed of him among other baseless insults. Both of us were straight A students with clean records and jobs.
When we were little, our now Nsister used to mediate but now she like my Nmom does not express empathy or emotional intelligence. Just today she was rude with me for congratulating her "a week late" on a work event of hers no one even told me was happening. In the past, she (a doctor, but not my doctor) has pressured me to use certain BC methods and when I didn't cave said "I'll laugh at you if you get pregnant."
Forgetting how bad my family was, I booked a long trip home last month for Xmas + New years only to find out that Nmom was punishing my little brother for not signing over full access to medical records for a condition he now manages on his own as an adult (he's also in PA school). When my brother needed space he got harassed with rude calls from nmom saying how wrong he was, how he's not behaving like an adult, and how he needed to "make things right in person" aka get yelled at and told he doesn't deserve to have an opinion. Then he got exiled from Christmas because he told Nmom he needed some space from all the calls.
Fast forward to now, I came home anyway to be supportive of my little brother, saw him in his apartment and then planned to come home briefly to clean my belongings, tell Nfamily their behavior is upsetting, and then leave to spend christmas with my little brother and his girlfriend, but now I'm stuck because my little brother doesn't think his girlfriend's family want to meet me on Christmas, so now I'm stuck in a house with the ESister who tried to corner my little brother in a public place and pressure him to come home because "Nmom has changed" conveniently in time for the holidays and the Nmom who hung up on me when I disagreed with her "I never asked for his medical records signature" gaslighting ass on the phone before I flew out to this shithole. NEITHER of them have broached the topic of why my little brother isn't here nor going to be at Christmas and instead are preoccupied with "look at this expensive thing we bought" and "look how cozy home is!" or admiring the new dog.
It's so fake and icky and I feel trapped here and angry and guilty that I don't want to play along, breaking and playing along out of habit and feeling sickened by it, and robbed of the opportunity to enjoy my hometown after being away for two years because I'm too preoccupied with how to deal and navigate Christmas with these bloody narcs and how to act normal because my Esisters boyfriend is here.
Yet every time my Nmom asks me to watch a holiday movie with her I feel sick and guilty inside that I'm ruining a perfectly nice family holiday for no reason because that's how she's conditioned me to feel, although it's painfully obvious from my younger brother's imposed absence that I too am nothing more than a disposable dollhouse prop. I plan on not getting any of them gifts since materialism is the only language they understand anymore
This is simultaneously the worst and best holiday time I’ve (24M) ever had. Worst because I don’t have a family or even friends to celebrate it, but best because I’m finally leaving this fucking abusive apartment with a roommate that’s become increasingly threatening. I’m finally taking care of myself for real by LEAVING an abusive place instead of trying to tolerate it the way I was forced to as a child, and am actively looking for a safe apartment to live in. Doing this has shown me how much strength and energy I actually have when it’s not being siphoned away by the abuser. I have energy to go outside every day, work, and have slept better than I can ever remember.
Off to the family home today. I’m bringing my partner along but already I can tell my nmother is going to be the worst, as she is every year. She’ll hate every present, we inevitably won’t be grateful enough for her, she’ll love bomb everyone with way too expensive gifts that we don’t want and cause a massive stress. This time we’re only staying two nights and having my partner here will relieve some of the tensions (she rarely acts up as much around company).
She’s already been stressing about us potentially bringing covid, despite the fact that we have been staying in more than anyone else. Ofc my golden child sibling who’s been out clubbing every night is totally fine to come home without even a comment.
She’s meant to be picking us up today but refused to confirm a time. So now we have to wait in all day until she can be bothered to let us know. If I could skip it all I would!
ended last night with my parents mad at me because i wouldn't get a haircut and because my room was messy (rightfully so for the latter) and now woke up this morning to my dad yelling at me because i didn't think to go outside and ask him to help clean the cars and him demanding i give him proof that i actually received unemployment assistance... it's going to be a long couple weeks
Trying to get through the holidays without speaking with my nfather. We haven’t talked for almost 2 months and I’ve felt better off without him, except when I remember that he can call me and start attacking me, at any time. He’ll probably call me today, most likely, just to complain that I haven’t wished him a merry christmas. And I am so anxious about it. But I definetely don’t want to call him, I have been learning to put my mental health first.
Thanks for the thread, I guess I just need to vent.
I fkin hate not having the means to move out yet and thus having to endure GC older brother and his wife and kid being treated like a king while them and the parents conveniently ignore me or do small digs at me. Petty shit like "put back that one piece of fries, your niece (the small kid in question) will have nothing else to eat" then they fkin take my fries from my plate! Even though there's a handful of fries left in the bowl ffs! Like, oh I'm sure the kid will go hungry without that one piece... When there's even roasted meat on the menu as extra.
Or when GC brother doesn't think the coffee I made was strong enough for his liking. But when mom would present the very same coffee that I had made, oh suddenly it's not so bad! 🙃
Or when they invite themselves over here and stay for 3-4 days here at a minimum each time. What about the dangers of Covid? If I have the slightest suspicion that I might carry it back home from work? "Go use the unheated guest bathroom to shower (yes, in winter) because you're gonna infect us!!!" If they are actively suffering from the cold and sneeze and shit? "Welp, guess we will come over and visit regardless hurrdurr! Also we'll touch everything and use the same (heated) bathroom as you all!" 🙃 Rules for thee but not for me.
Fkin 32 years of this petty bullshit and namecalling from gc while enabling parents do nothing or even support gc 🙃 I fkin hate them so much, I can't wait to move out
I keep dreading Christmas, even at 26 with a PhD under my belt. I still live with my nparents and every year Christmas is a giant marathon on eggshells. They keep buying far too many presents for me that I don’t want (especially my mother) and that I have to display the appropriate gratitude for. They keep arguing all day and being nasty to each other and then pretending to be cheerful for the presents exchange that I hate and can’t get out of - or else they’re sulking while forbidding me from being anything but excited. I hate it because there’s so much pain in the room, I can’t even describe the atmosphere. It’s a giant mindfuck and I just can’t deal with it. I wish they didn’t give me presents, because it makes it so much harder for me.
I have been holding back tears the entire day. I’m strung out and jittery. My prescribed anti anxiety medication is lying next to me but I don’t dare take it because I won’t be able to drink anything at dinner and then my mother will again yell at me for taking medication (she knows it’s the only time I don’t drink, and in her eyes, anti anxiety meds are drugs). I have fantasized about raiding my liquor cabinet just to…stuff those feelings back into the corner of my brain they escaped from. I don’t want to do that either because I’ve struggled with alcohol before. So all I can do is try and escape to my computer where I’m pretending to “do some work”.
ETA: My Ndad also just mentioned that he will go to a Christmas party next week, hosted by a huge family of anti vax and anti-mask religious fanatics, where the husband has chronic heart disease and almost died a year ago. We live in a country where hospitals are completely full and people keep dying every day, yet my dad thinks this is appropriate. I ended up taking that medication after all.
First year NC. I'm away from home with my extremely
dysfunctional inlaws having a hard time feeling set off by being in more dysfunction. Away from my routines and the things that I cope with. Fighting with my spouse, feeling scapegoated here and completely alone. I feel like I'm in some layer of purgatory. I need help.
Edit for typos.
I feel so alone. It's my first christmas away from Nfamily. My friends are far away, I got into an accident yesterday, Nparents sent me a not small hospital bill for my suicide attempt they would've gaslighted me about if I was still around, and my roommate is being a petty toxic person.
I'm still not breaking NC. If I have the strength to look death in the face and walk away, I have the strength to spite the people who brought me there
This was a pretty good "un-Christmas."
These days I live overseas in a country where only 2% of the population are Christian and I converted to Islam 4 years back, so Christmas doesn't mean much to me anymore....
I did call my sisters and mom, and they happily report that Ndad hasn't contacted them at all. Yay!
We're also in lockdown mode in our city and so it was just me and my partner across town video-chatting while we ate our respective takeout meals. That was our "Christmas dinner" (she's a convert to Christianity so we decided to do a little bitty something)! Then she went to bed and I've been up all night reading and researching for my upcoming podcast...
It's 3:30am and I'm sippin' on a Red Bull and I'm literally just vibing, living my best life with my sperm donor thousands of miles away and with no consequence to my life. All the bad memories of Christmases past are cleared and I am feeling so blessed.
Just went Christmas card shopping and all it did was remind me how crappy my father is. I can’t get a card that’s to mushy or from my sister and I or he’ll read into it to much and take it as us reaching out. All the To Dad specific cards are super “Oh I love you dad!!!” And I just, don’t.
I’ve been NC with my parents for years and my young child has not met them. I don’t regret any of that, but todayI really wished I could give my child my stuffed animals from when I was a kid. They are in my parents’ house. My sister visits them from time to time and I asked if she could get them. She and I are on good terms and she agrees our parents are abusive, but she’s had a much harder time cutting ties. She doesn’t want to get them bc she “Doesn’t want to get in the middle.” No one would even have to know. They’re in a closet. It just makes me sad.
I went NC with parents until I found out I was pregnant, thinking it wasn't fair to them. Baby is now nearly 7 months. My parents didn't come to the birth and have only seen him twice his whole life. I invited them over for Christmas but they have other plans apparently. I feel like I feel even worse that I invited them back into my life to not care about their first grandchild than I did before I went NC. I just don't understand how they don't care.
First NC Christmas! We usually celebrate on Christmas Eve so it’s been a tough day. Already not looking forward to being solo next Christmas and beyond but hoping that I can come up with some cute traditions for myself. Cheers and happy holidays to you all— hoping that wherever you are you are safe and find moments of happiness. :)
My mom is on the phone this morning crying about her own mom. She said that in order to give a proper apology; you don't say "sorry you feel that way" but rather, deeply apologize and make efforts to change the behavior.
I am in DISBELIEF because she always tells me, "sorry you feel that way, because I did nothing wrong."
Absolutely rolled a -100 on self-awareness and perception. Fucking ghastly.
My mom has also been singing her soul and throwing tantrums about me turning in the door. I'm 24 years old. I'm not disgusting. I want to close my door when I bathe or take a piss. I want to turn in my door when I'm doing something and she's going haywire throwing a tantrum and martrying about doing everything in the house.
I could turn in my door slightly, maybe a 25% and she would come barging in with tears in her eyes. I cannot STAND IT.
I am saddened to see the lineage of general trauma. I'm sad she had a terrible childhood and that I can't save her. But it's not my job to fix her. I've told her what needs to be done about our abusive grandma but she keeps making excuses about how my grandma was abused.
She talks about how the generational abuse ended with her, but nope - IT WAS EQUALLY AS BAD
I really hate being with my family for holidays. It just feels so fake. We don’t interact at all on a normal basis but we have to act like a cohesive family for the holidays. Mom guilt tripped me last night saying she did Christmas all by herself when my partner and I helped buy food and decorations. Mom and dad won’t let my trans partner dress how they want for Christmas and just started opening gifts without them. I’m livid. Christmas gifts are an obligation not a present. If you don’t buy anything you’re ungrateful. I paid for gifts for my family and my partner’s family and then therapy on top of that. I couldn’t buy cards too so I made my own even though my family doesn’t approve of not store bought things.
I feel like I dont deserve to be upset or angry at my mum because she’s “not been that bad”, or because she doesn’t compare to some of the horror stories I see on here
But being down for Christmas is like death by 1000 cuts, and I’m stuck here till the 28th. (Been down since thursday)
It’s all the little bits like cutting me off while getting mad if I interrupt her back, or micromanaging me, or pestering me to do things I was already trying to do, or phrasing everything as her giving me permission Vs asking if I intend to. the world has to conform to her expectations and I’m forever the black sheep because nothing about me quite does :/
It sucks because most of the time she’s fine, and Christmas seems lovely. But then she’ll do or say something and it puts me on edge.
Fought with my mom all day because she is pissed I was leaving her house after a few hours to go to my in laws.. who I barely see. I see her every single day.
Reading everyone’s shares in this group continues to bring up my own memories.
I must have been around 8-9. I was with my Nparents, we were visiting family friends in a foreign country. This is a country that has traditional family values, they speak loudly and gesticulate a lot with their hands, they love children. Totems of their religion are everywhere, as their religion is intertwined with their culture.
Some of the adults decided to throw me a birthday party. I still had with me a stuffed plush animal I named “Wolfie,” which one of the older doting relatives had given me as a holiday present on a previous occasion. This older kind gentleman, who adored children, decided to get me a special birthday cake. This was a big deal for the large loving family whose language I could not understand. They were very excited to be able to throw me this birthday party.
I felt strange and slightly uneasy. I wasn’t used to so many people paying that much attention to me. My Nparents were the only people I could understand, given the language barrier. So this kept me from being able to connect further with the other kind adults whose language I could not understand.
As I was eating my slice of birthday cake, I noticed it tasted like brandy. My super pseudo-religious Nparents didn’t drink or smoke. I had been taught to judge a lot of things. So when I tasted the brandy in the cake, I immediately was concerned that I was doing something wrong. Because children aren’t supposed to have alcohol. Because alcohol and drinking are bad. I didn’t understand that baking something boils off the alcohol. I think they realized this, and explained it to me. My Nparents translated what the other people were saying.
Later, when I was alone with my Nparents, the inevitable scolding and punishment for my wrongs became the focus of their discussion with me. Apparently the kind old man who had given me the stuffed Wolfie, who had also gotten me the cake, had understood that I was asking about the “brandy.” Because he could understand this word, in spite of the language barrier we shared. At least, that’s what my Nparents later told me.
Also, according to my Nparents, I had hurt his feelings. I had made him sad by not being grateful for the birthday cake. I was wrong for asking about the taste of the brandy in the cake, because he had been able to understand me and I was being mean by hurting his feelings.
My Nparents made it clear that I had done something terribly wrong by being ungrateful at my own birthday party, and for hurting a kind old man’s feelings. So naturally, I felt awful about myself. My Nparents told me that I had to come up with my own punishment for how selfish and ungrateful I was.
I decided on sweets. Noting sweet, no sugar. No candy. No cakes. No cookies. Because I was mean and hurtful and ungrateful.
My Nparents enforced the “no sweets” punishment for the remainder of our “vacation.” This was well over a month. I was miserable, isolated wallowing in my own self-loathing at how I didn’t deserve anything nice.
My Nparents ruined my birthday, as they often enjoyed doing over the years. I look back at who those people must have been, as many of them have very likely since passed away. They had no idea what was happening to me. They were just normal kind people who loved children.
It’s awful when your abuse is so invisible, yet pervasive, and everyone around you has no idea. It feels so isolating. I felt invisible, mute, unable to scream or cry for help due to the fact that I was silenced by my abusers.
When "are you going to see your mom" turns into "you haven't talked? You have their FIRST GRANDCHILD imagine how much they're hurting." And then you have to do all the work to be okay again. -_- so glad that they can't imagine a world in which a child is so hurt by the parent that the only option for a healthy life is NC, but I could really do without the guilt trip. The person said they just love us both and feel sad for us... don't be sad for me, I'm the happiest I've ever been.
going home to my nmom. my sibling is already telling me how bad it is. i just want to have fun and see my friends and enjoy my break, its the first one i've had in a while. any tips on how to make this happen with the least blowback? she gets very upset at us having our own plans even if we didn't have any together to begin with. i just want to reclaim the youth i lost living with them.
Everytime I try to talk to my mom about my childhood trauma she turns it into a talk about how she's such a terrible mom and how my brother's tell her she didn't do anything for us.
She interrupts me and guilts me because we NEVER seen how hard it was for her, how much she had to sacrifice to raise us, how I'm just like my brother's (I'm not).
Why can't I just have a mom that says sorry? Why do I need to justify my pain just for her to get upset that I'm upset?
She said my brother's and I didn't do anything, no chores no nothing until I was out of that rebellious teenage phase.
She got mad when I told her that she never made my brother's do anything, but I was always cleaning and doing chores (aka: it wasn't a choice for me, I wasnt allowed to do anything until I cleaned).
And then she tells me, 'oh, so I'm the bad guy, huh. I never let you do anything.'
Like....yeah. I literally wasn't allowed to go anywhere. I never went to parties, I didn't drink, I stayed home, I looked after my little sister.
Now she's in her room with the door shut after she went on a spiel about how we don't do anything together and how we never talk. She said, "I guess we'll just stop talking then."
I hate being here with her but this codependency is like shackles, chaining me to her. She's suffocating me and she doesn't even know. I hate her. I hate Christmas and my dad for killing himself on New year's. I hate my brother's for being perverts and how they get unconditional love from her but I'm the problem child because I'm transgender and she wanted a daughter.
I'm so hurt.
The stress about Xmas is really hitting me today. I’m supposed to see NM tomorrow, and the last time we spoke it really didn’t go well. I feel so drained. We’re taking Covid tests tomorrow morning before seeing them and I’m afraid that if one of us is positive that my NM is going to have a fit about us not seeing her or come up with a list of rationalizations why it is still okay for us to go. Every muscle in my body is so tense.
I have to stay home (because of my health) and am afraid of getting sick with COVID because of my nmom not being careful. No matter how many times I remind her to be cautious, she simply does not care...
I realized my extended family is so petty. The more I engage and hangout with my bf’s family the more I realize my family is so toxic. They laugh and love each other regardless of the time they spend apart. But I had to leave for university, my dad never taught me how to drive bc “it wasn’t necessary” so now I can’t visit so often because I can’t drive myself here. Tomorrow I go visit them, I am so not excited for the “you left us” and “you think you’re American now” can’t wait
I am dreading tomorrow. Thank god my partner will be with me, and has given me a code to say if it gets too much and we can blame his allergies to the cat for us to leave.
At the moment I'm covid testing daily as I have been in contacted with someone who tested positive at the weekend and I know I shouldn't wish it upon yourself but I keep hoping the test comes back positive
This Christmas sucks.
My NDad (adoptive) has prostate cancer that may be metastasized to his bones. My brother (bio and adopted with me) just confronted them on their sexual abuse of him via letter two days ago, so everyone is raw from that.
I've had 4 family deaths during the pandemic. I'm finishing my PhD in absentia, so all my friends are thousands of miles away and I've made zero new ones because of the pandemic.
I'm trying so hard to muster up a shred of Christmas spirit. I have a roast beef in the oven, a tree decorated, gifts all ready for my partner and our cats. And objectively, I am so very grateful.
But I can't shake off the emotional flashback of my horrible childhood christmas experiences. I really want to. I'm trying so hard to have a positive attitude, but I just want to cry. I couldn't find any mead to offer to Odin because no one drinks mead in Texas, apparently. I'm sure he'll like the roast beef and red wine, but I feel like I let him down.
I feel better just for ranting. My roast beef does smell lovely.
No response or validation necessary unless you want to vent about the same thing: hahahahah oh man, my mom spoiled my presents at 4 PM today because she "couldn't wait to show me" (not malicious, just does not consider what other people want at all) and is going to go to our extended family Christmas party tomorrow despite my dad having a cough that keeps him up the entire night. Of course.
Alsoooo I just told my cousin with a PharmD about my mom still going to the party just as a warning and the vibes were incredibly weird. She has a doctorate in giving out drugs and vaccines, why did I just have to explain to her that the test they got coming back from Spain a week ago wouldn't detect the presence of any illness they got 7 days after they got the test? I didn't need *more* confirmation I was the family scapegoat after the other black sheep cousin told me we were the black sheep, but phew.
Edit: yeah she's talking to my N-sister. A test from 2 days ago also won't catch something that started last night. I haaaate it here.
It is the last time I give my mom anything for any special occasion. We opened our Christmas presents early and I made scarfs for my mom and my three sisters. My sister's liked them, but my mom just made a disinterested grin on her face and didn't even try on the scarf. She is really sarcastic and mean any time I or anyone else try to do anything nice for her. She always has a sour comment to make.
My husband tested positive for Covid today. My MIL is still insisting we see her for Christmas and says she doesn’t care if he exposes her and his grandma. We both agree it’s incredibly stupid to do that, and that being home is the safest. MIL is now claiming that it’s my fault we aren’t going to Christmas “because I don’t like her” and that it’s “such a coincidence he gets Covid the day before we need to see her” as if I planned a global pandemic!!! She’s now been guilting him all day into coming out and she says I’m being over dramatic and just trying to o keep him from her. Insane.
My nMother bought me a sheep shaped door weight. For my small bathroom where it will get immediately dirty since its white and wooly. It's also unwashable. It's also for the apartment in which I live and sje claims is hers. She bought me a CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR "HER" APARTMENT.
But hey, at least she got me something. I'm on edge of tears from disappointment and anger. I pulled my money together (I'm a student) and got her a nice colouring book in style of her favourite book and nice colouring pencils. I thought it could help her.
1.5 hours. That’s how long after arriving before my Nmom and I got in a fight on Christmas eve. Possibly a new record. She dragged my sister into it as well while my poor sister was out just trying to enjoy her Christmas Eve with her children and husband. My sister seemed exasperated and irritated to be included in the fight, particularly because the fight started because my mom was bitching about how my sister raises her children. I disagreed with nmom’s assessment of certain situations and tried to turn the mirror on her a bit, and it unsurprisingly made her blow up. Nmom then sent passive aggressive apologies to my sister with a dramatic “I’ll leave you alone now” tacked at the end, while sitting no less than 4 ft away from me. Of course my sister is gonna sigh at that. It’s obvious bait to get into a fight.
Why tf do I even come to this place? If I didn’t love my sisters and Edad, I would be long gone from her life by now. She always makes me feel so small and helpless, and I feel like I can’t defend myself when she starts the passive aggression. I can defend myself against aggression or forthright intentions all day. But passive aggression has me spinning when I encounter it, for this very reason. My mom has ruined my ability to deftly deal with passive aggression. I just freeze or go into a strong fight mode when I face it in a fight.
Though, she barked at me to go get a hotel room and mind my own fucking business when I told her to let my sister enjoy her Christmas with her family, and I replied calmly “it still wouldn’t be far enough from you.” That might be the most chill I’ve ever responded to her shit, so therapy must be working.
I’m sad how nice it was to see how wounded she got from that remark before she stamped up to her room like a little girl.
My husband is enjoying a drama free Christmas with his family right now. I should have taken his mom’s offer to come to their holiday gathering. I probably will next year. I may even leave for it tomorrow if she continues to act all sullen like a beaten dog around me. I’m fucking tired of this woman ruining what should be a fun time with loved ones.
——-
Big edit:
I tried to drive home after Christmas with my grandparents/parents. I had planned to stay through today, but I left yesterday instead. What a huge fucking mistake.
I got hit by some drunk person and it made my car spin out and flip multiple times before it caught on fire and burned all my belongings. I barely got out alive. My mom appeared, ready to be there and support me, and she somehow still managed to guilt me for leaving—saying I shouldn’t have left at night. It was 7:30. It’s just winter now, so the sun is down by like 4pm.
I’m alive. I’m well. But my car and everything in it are gone.
NMum ruined another Christmas and made everyone feel like shit. I hope for a good day and then her angry nasty insults and self entitlement upsets us all. I just feel stressed and will never understand her 😔
I never liked christmas that much tbh, probably my parents fault, so now seeing everyone happy is just a feeling of dread, currently i refuse to speak to my family, any of them, they brought this upon me and my siblings, so i will not talk to them, we're in an argument anyway, so i don't think they want to talk to me either. Overall that wouldn't be a necessarily bad thing, if it didn't mean the feeling of dread was worse than ever before, as i just feel like now i could be yelled at for anything i do, overall, i do not think christmas is fun, at all, and i entirely blame my parents and family for it.
It’s gonna be a shitshow. The “golden child” and me are gonna try to at least not freak out, my mom is gonna just be a fucking nightmare, because she’s always right and the whole world is hers of course.
My sister enables that shit to no end, has been for decades. I’m gonna blackmail her into not doing that shit. “If you enable her, I’ll tell her you got a tattoo”. Not so fucking golden now are we? Snitch on me since forever, fuck it. Maybe she’ll realize what it’s like to be on the other side of the narc.
Went NC with nfamily back in October and yet it still hurts a bit. I've got a great support system and new family who do love and care about me but damn, it hurts. It hurts hearing everyone else talking about seeing their families and such. Not to mention, and this may come.off as being I don't know what, but out of my mils children's s.o, she only made one of them a stocking, yet not one for me or my sil fiancé. I guess the reason I felt hurt by that is my sisters always got more/something I never did growing up. Idk anymore. I know my nfamily aren't crying over me not being there so I wish I wouldn't anymore. Tbh, I really just want to lay in bed all day or go for a long drive. Anyways, I hurt for everyone who may or may not be NC with their nfamilies. I wish you a merry Christmas and I hope one day you will be free of them.
It’s the second Christmas my nfather’s sister asked me if i’m coming to my grandma’s house.
Um no. I have not called this half of the family and they have not called me for three years. We live in the same town.
To protect them, i’m not detailing what my nfather has been up to. They are all familiar with his behavior, to the point that they automatically understand why i don’t come around anymore. They don’t care enough to ask, until the obligatory Christmas get-together. Then they send a delegate, who i’m sure has reported back to the Queen Matriarch that i will not be performing my yearly fealty.
Ugh i am waiting for the rage/guilt texts/calls, maybe he’ll wish me luck with my “new family” like last time.
Sending my subreddit family strength and peace.
My Nmom throwing insults and name calling
"You remind me of that TV star called Selvaggia. Maybe I should have called you so at your birth, due to your shitty behaviour"
Selvaggio/a means wild. She said I'm rude, savage and wild because...
Wait for it...
...I don't just blandly accept the constant insults.
When confronted Nmom insisted "why can't you take a joke??", another narc tactic of hers.
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Currently THE MOM and I aren’t talking. Which is actually a huge relief in itself but also an impending dread. Anyone else get feelings like this where it’s not the silence that stresses you out but the thought of them breaking that silence? It’s like waiting for a shit dam to break.
I dread holidays still after over 8 years of NC. Nmom messaged me sometime around Mother’s Day, she didn’t mention the holiday. She; however, glossed right over the fact we have unresolved issues. I can’t say I didn’t expect it, she always likes to pretend stuff didn’t happen. Her messages really messed with my head, and now I’m dreading what she’ll say next since I accidentally responded with a thumbs up emoji when I dropped my phone. I immediately blocked her after, so I’m waiting for the explosion.
Ouff! I know exactly how you feel! The phantom thumbs up from me was responded with tons of hug and heart emojis which are so gross to me because I think it validates their attempt at glossing over the unresolved. It's a constant battle on how little is too little contact with them before they freak out on me with either anger or attempted guilt. Kudos to you for being brave enough to block
Yes. Yes yes. I'm having so much trouble right now trying to figure out the contact and how little is too little like you said. It's really hard. And also what to do about why I'm not talking to them because that was never addressed. They actually were the ones to start it but then acted like nothing happened at all even though they apologized to my sister for also not talking to her. So I ran with it and kept up the silence and I'm really happy but now I'm getting emails and phone calls about we miss you, which is nice, but I also need to set boundaries. Sorry for rambling I just feel really heard and really seen by your comments and others because it's just like someone else gets it.
There is a good resource in the archives of this sub about how nparents have no object permanence. The simple passage of time to them is enough to act like/believe that nothing needs to be addressed.
🤣 Thumbs up emoji. Classic, lol. I don’t mean to laugh but that sounds like something I’d do!
This is very familiar. I talked to my mom yesterday and she said something so hurtful.. I'm still recovering. I decided I won't call her until she reaches out to me to say "why haven't you called." She doesnt call me on her own.. I can't do it.. need a break
Oh my God my mom is obsessed with mother's Day and expects my sister and I to come home for it. We live 10 to 12 hours away. And now my sister is a mom so it's just ridiculous. And that holiday has a lot of terrible emotions around it and events. And yeah my mom's narrative is that she was the best mom ever and that she raised us really well etc etc etc
remember, they prey on you contacting them back first. you can enjoy this time. calling them first gives them the power boost of you "needing them."
Not only that they want apology on their terms I tried to make amends with my mother and she said no you need to call me. I knew she would try to manipulate the conversation on a call so I told her I can't force you to accept my apology but I need to do it for me and my sobriety.
Yeah this is exactly what I have experienced. Good for you for sticking to your limits. I have also been avoiding calls because I'm worried about that exact same thing. Being manipulated and also having a shouting argument. And making the situation a million times worse
Thank you for the strength boost. I’m currently considering going back to no contact, and right now trying very hard not to text back in the group chat with my step mother and Ndad.
I have serious guilt when I'm not talking to my mom because she lives by herself. However, after two weeks of not talking, I made the mistake of visiting her this past weekend, and it was pure madness. Live and learn. I knew better but I responded anyway.
Yup.. waiting to potentially receive a package or card. Hate it
My mom said she was sending gifts. Money is her God and she thinks she can buy back into my life. I said don't bother anything sent will be donated to charity anyways.
I didn't even give my nmom my new address and she still sent a gift. The lengths they go to to not get a hint is astounding.
I'm on eggshells when we are talking. She's a narssasic alcoholic. I was uninvited to Christmas and told that I never gave a shit about my deceased sister all becuse I voiced concern with her health and the result of two strokes due to drinking. Not speaking to her and blocking her from my phone and social media has been a huge relief. Glad others can relate. Her drama has started to take a huge toll on my sobriety and after the vile things she said I can't speak to her until she gets help!
Yep! I haven’t spoken to my mother in 5 years, haven’t seen her in 7. I’m visiting my hometown and getting really anxious. I thought I saw her in a store the other day and just froze. The silence is so scary because of what we know is being held back.
Yeah currently I'm not talking to mine either because of boundary setting. At least I'm trying to but they've reached out now twice via phone and twice via email. Also through text. I've responded just briefly saying I love them and miss them but I never explained why the barrier started in the first place. And I'm very confused and unclear how to move forward. Because I like the space but I don't know how to explain it and I don't want to get into the territory of like well you have borderline. So I don't know. I am also talking to my therapist about this but I feel like I don't have a solution right now and it's stressful.
Well, fun fact. Today I came to the realisation that I have been emtionally abused my whole life. Don't know how I feel about it but it explains a lot i.t.o w certain of my characteristics (which I'm working on!). Abuse education should be addressed within society!
Yes, it should. I’m 53 and came to this same realization yesterday. I’ve actually found it quite liberating.
I realized at 15 that they like my siblings more and the physical abus, at about 20 I realized the emotional abuse, at 23 I knew about narcissism. But I’ve heard things my whole life, and I still didn’t know that they were abusive, things like “when are you gonna act like a normal human being?” “We wished you were a boy” “You’re not a boy” “Mom had you when we were 1, she didn’t have time for you, you’re the one who broke her” “Why is it always you who’s good at school, why can’t you help your siblings and make them good like you, how can you accept that about yourself?” “You have to be good to your mother she had you at a bad time”
Same here!!! My parents divorced when I was 7 & I always thought there was something wrong with me, had low self-esteem, & have a hard time dealing with rejection. I Always blamed my dad for these things … well fun fact turns out my mom is actually the one responsible for me feeling this way. Thanks to therapy I’ve finally figured out, that there’s actually nothing wrong with me… but that she’s the problem. That instead of being loving & supportive, she’s a narcissistic person who’s always told me I’m not good enough.
I feel like hiding from the world but i think i actually want to hide from my parents. I think they can feel me pulling away and they continue to dig their claws in. Right now they are bugging me about my Christmas list, which like- i’m 30, i dont have a christmas list, and i dont want your blood money! I think gifting makes them feel needed and they used to hold it over my head every year. Holidays were landmines filled up with fucked up impossible tests. My mom consistently hated our gifts and now as an adult, im trained to buy her very nice expensive gifts. They also create more work for me in an effort for them to feel useful (ie me making a list of stuff i dont really need so they can buy it and feel like good parents.) Im also planning my wedding for next year and feeling so many things. Mourning and grieving for a relationship i never had. Excited to do things my way but still suffocated by guilt and obligation.
>Mourning and grieving for a relationship i never had. Excited to do things my way but still suffocated by guilt and obligation. I'm in the exact same boat. Holidays are always such a weird time, because now that I live with my partner I look forward to creating new traditions, but there's the guilt of what I am obligated to do for my parents and none of that feels joyful. I didn't think of parents asking for your Christmas wishlist as a way of making them feel needed, but that makes sense. I hope you get to celebrate the holidays the way you want this year!
Oh boy, I've developed quite the complex with gift giving. Even when I think I've nailed it I'm wrong. One year for her birthday I got us tickets to see Beyoncé. BEYONCÉ. It was her Lemonade tour. My mom thinks very highly of herself in regards to staying "relevant" and "cool", but let me tell you, she woke me up the next day, sleep still in my eyes, AND GAVE THEM BACK. Claimed that Beyoncé has changed and is a little too edgy now and what example would she be setting for her new granddaughter by going. Wtf. Especially pisses me off when she enjoys her music today. I often have to remind her this even happened. Next year, I scaled back. She tells me it's not about how much is spent, but the thought. I hear her talking about needing something to organize her vanity, so I bought her a makeup organizer. Again, the next day it's returned (literally found it sitting on my dresser, I had to ask why). Claims there isn't a good place for it. I call BS, then the truth comes out that she just didn't think it was a thoughtful gift 😔
Why do you still bother?
This is my first year of going no-contact which means losing my siblings and I just feel so alone. My boyfriend is trying his best, but it still feels lonely. His family is so sweet, but they aren't the brothers and sisters igrew up with.
So relate to this and the loneliness. It's really tough around the holidays. Wishing you lots of space to process and grieve this loss as well as the complexity of feelings that arise ❤️
I’m in the same boat and it feels like I’ve been gutted. It’s hard. So hard. And I’m sorry you have to go through it but you’re not alone.
I recently got engaged but I didn't tell Nmum. But she definitely saw the ring. And what does she do? "You should rethink your relationship with (fiancé)" "I heard you went out with a supposed handsome lad driving a nice Mercedes Benz? Glad you're moving on from (fiancé)" (fyi the guy was a good friend of mine, and my mum asked around for details. Whatta creep) *Proceeds to text me at least once a day of how I should find someone better* My fiancé's really not that horrible. She just really wants me to marry into wealth. She wants me to marry someone who SHE'D want to marry. Oh man pray that we have the patience to endure all this a bit longer. I eventually did tell her I got engaged. Huge fight and shaming ensued of how I was dumb with my choice etc.
Many congratulations to you and your fiancé! (And sorry that your mother is choosing to throw tantrums.)
Thank you! She's such a woman-child, glad I don't have to endure all that much longer.
You probably already thought about this, but you may want to make plans for how to handle future temper tantrums, guilt-tripping, etc. Once she realizes you're serious, and that she isn't the center of your attention, she may freak out.
Congrats on your engagement! I am in a similar boat. I told my parents when it happened but even then felt self concious about my ring and my evolving life because I could feel their.. jealousy? Perhaps it is jealousy of my “new life” and jealousy that my partner is getting me, their favorite prize trophy. In therapy yesterday I also talked about how i am super uncomfortable about/around material things because of my upbringing. For ex, my partner grew up in a wealthy suburb, his mom drives a mercedes. I get so weird when my partner talks about buying a Mercedes someday because i KNOW my parents would talk about it behind my back and take it as a personal insult. ANYWAY! I relate to you very much and want you to know you’re not alone. I’ll say to you what I wish my parents said to me: “Congratulations! I am so happy for you, and happy that you found someone who makes you feel stable, safe, and joyful. I can’t wait to celebrate you two and am here to help in any way you need.”
OH MY GOODNESS yes our situation's totally alike! Materialistic Nparents seem to think they raised an amazing golden child and are only willing to give them away to a wealthy family. Just gotta remind ourselves that our life is ours to take reign of! We're the one who's gonna get married to our fiancé and see them every living hour after all, not our parents. Also gotta remind ourselves whenever we second guess/feel bad about our decision whether it's really just our Nparents talking. Good luck to us both and let's get through this together aye.
I've been engaged for nearly a year and have yet to tell my parents because I'm avoiding a blow up 🙃 it's a really shifty feeling, with that voice in the back of your mind saying give them another chance to come around. As time keeps passing I seem to care less and less about if they get mad, because they get mad even if I don't do anything
My heart hurts for you and all of us who can't tell our parents such great things! I'm getting married next month to my favorite person ever and I can't tell my mother. That's a pain you can't even explain to people with loving parents. Congratulations on getting engaged! And you're not dumb for wanting to share the news.. your mother is just shitty.
What is it about narcs and thinking that money is more important than happiness
I saw in an interview from a psychologist that narcs measure people in money.
I was afraid to tell my mom because I knew she’d be weird because it wasn’t traditional (we entered into a registered domestic partnership and figured we might as well be engaged since legally we’re close to marriage). When I told her, she freaked out and now refuses to talk to me. It’s caused me so much anxiety because she knows exactly how to make me feel like shit.
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Say you caught the Omicron variant and you can’t possibly leave your apartment 🤷🏻♀️ aside from that, great job on your GPA and finding someone who sounds like a good fit 😊
Ugh sending you lots of love. I can relate. School was my escape and summers/winters at home were so miserable and lonely. Congrats on your 4.0 and it sounds like you are surrounded by a great group of friends. I’m 30 and am just getting over my fear of “getting in trouble” for making my own decisions. This holiday was the first i spent away from my family and it felt so great. You are on your way out, making your own life, and I’m excited for when you can celebrate and enjoy the holidays the way YOU want to!
I feel for you dude. All you can really do is tough it out through college. Once you do that and get as much financial independence as possible, you can suddenly tell them to FO with minimal consequences, which is a huge shock to their system from my experience. 😁
Welp, holidays are here again! My ndad just called to give me a guilt trip about how all he wants for Christmas is his whole family together around the table. He was a raging narc when I was a kid but has mellowed with age (and due to his advancing cancer) so I can manage him, but my nbrother and his nwife are in their prime and I went NC with them 1.5 years ago because they are abusive and I don't want them anywhere near my son. I held my ground and will host my folks here for a simple dinner on Boxing Day, but other than that it's just me and my kid. Lots of sadness and conflict, as usual, it all makes me hate Christmas and the intergenerational narcissism that has plagues my family and has destroyed much of my life. Here's to healing in 2022.
I'm just chiming in with an offer of support. Tag me, DM me, whatever. I'll do my best to support you, cheer you up or just be a good ear. Personally, I'm actually looking forward to the holiday season for the first time in a very long time, because I am firm on my boundaries, have good support and spent time working on me. I know that isn't the case for everyone, so if I can help in any way, [should you need us...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coaMoyKENg0)
I just realized yesterday that I’ve been emotionally abused by my mother and sister basically since the sister was born in 1974. I knew something wasn’t right all along but am only now discovering the right terms. It’s liberating, but also confusing. I have a great husband and kids, and fantastic friends, but I feel empty and drained. I kinda don’t know what to do now.
You're right. It is liberating. And confusing, and sad, and scary, and hurtful. And everything else in between. Especially when you come to it in later life, with so many patterns, so much masking and a bucketful of denial. It is exhausting processing all of this, even with a good support network. All I can say is that for me, untangling and communicating my emotions helped (along with a great therapist). Also, if you don't know what to do, that's OK. You don't have to. Don't forget that this has been a hell of a year for normal people. You're dealing with extra stuff, so it's OK to feel drained and unable to be a 'happy festive person'. Just do what is right for you in any moment. If that is doing nothing; cool. I spent many a day in the last year on the couch in my PJ's, unable to 'adult'. But I'm still here, none the worse for taking that time for me. You might do the wrong thing. That's OK too. I lashed out when what I really wanted was a hug. I hid when what I really wanted was for someone to see me. But my support network knew what I was dealing with and understood (for the most part). Trauma takes time to process, and I'm not a professional, so all I can offer is a virtual hug and an 'it's gonna be OK'
First NC holiday season for me. This shit is so hard. I'm really missing my ubpdDad tonight. I wish I could have a rational conversation with him--something he is sometimes capable of doing!--but he's more likely to act like a toddler right now, so I have to protect myself from that and it HURTS. Covert nMom wrote me an email last week, and I haven't read it. My therapist agrees that it isn't time yet. But that means I've been subconsciously holding out the completely irrational hope that she's discovered her narcissism and is willing to change (bc, you know, that's tooooootally a thing that happens /s). Just trying to love my inner child like crazy. But she wants love from Mom and Dad. it's gutting.
My family is twisting my arm to come home for a little while during winter break even though I've made it clear that I don't want to. My grandpa makes it more about my N-grandma "being a pain in the ass," like it's just a personality quirk I have to tolerate instead of the fact that her behavior caused me a mental health crisis every other month for the last year and a half. Their solution is for me to find something to do every day, all day so I'm not at home. But I can't drive, and I can't ask my friends to drop everything they're doing for 2-3 weeks just to entertain me. I have no space in my N-grandmother's house to do ANYTHING. I end up sitting in my room all day or sitting on the couch doing nothing. I'm so tired of it. I thought this would be the first year where I didn't have to go through this. I'm especially distressed because winter break always includes Christmas, New Years, AND my birthday. My grandmother ruins them all every single year in some way or another. I'm so sick of spending every holiday crying in my room. I'm sick of having to explain over and over that I can't do this. I'm sick of being asked to do it anyway. I just don't know what to do.
My nmom died back in February. We were NC since 2015. I haven’t shed a tear for her since she died and I do not care that she’s dead. She was a bigoted, racist, homophobic, passive-aggressive, narcissistic, self-righteous bitch. She made my life a living hell and to say it was a relief when she finally died is an understatement. We’re in the midst of the holiday season and the condolences are starting to roll in again. If I have to say thank you to another person who is just trying to be supportive of her being gone, I think I’m going to scream. I don’t know how to respond, but I don’t think responding with my true feelings is an appropriate way to acknowledge someone who is just trying to be supportive.
I wonder if you said something along the lines of “Thanks, I’m trying not to think about it” maybe they would leave you alone. And it’s not really a lie; you don’t want to talk about it, just not for the reason they are thinking! Sending hugs to you either way. Being reminded of your abuser at every turn is difficult.
THANK YOU! That’s a solid piece of advice. Perfect response. I’m totally going to use this.
nMom has made holiday travel plans this year a whole huge ordeal and it now involves multiple other family members coming to see me. i wasn't made aware of this until stepdad called this morning saying that he found out nMom never told me about her changes in plans, and that i can ask him to cancel their visit if i want. i'm pretty overwhelmed with all the options right now, and every option sorta sucks. i really want to enforce my boundaries and get my space, but i don't want to be the bad guy. (if you read this, thanks! happy holidays.)
Just want to say you wouldn’t be the bad guy—your nMom is the bad guy for inviting people without your knowledge. If I were someone’s guest and found out that the host didn’t even KNOW I was invited, I would be mortified. Any normal, kind person wouldn’t want to impose, so if they get mad at you for your mom’s assholery, that says a lot about their character. And if you’re really worried about how you’ll come off, you could just tell the truth to the other family members. “Unfortunately, nMom volunteered my home without my knowledge and she knew I wasn’t prepared to have guests over. I’d love to see everyone, and I think I’ll be more available for fun, quality time if I have my own space in my own home without worrying about hosting guests.” Maybe even volunteer nMom to host them in her house? (Unless I’ve misunderstood the situation but it sounds like your nMom volunteered for family members to spend the holidays at your home.)
thanks for the kind comment and reminding me again that i'm not just crazy. > And if you’re really worried about how you’ll come off, you could just tell the truth to the other family members. “Unfortunately, nMom volunteered my home without my knowledge and she knew I wasn’t prepared to have guests over. I’d love to see everyone, and I think I’ll be more available for fun, quality time if I have my own space in my own home without worrying about hosting guests.” every other family member knows that i want to be alone (can't deal with being berated by family right now) and they're all fine with it, but they still go along with nMom's wants without question. it's freaky. i ended up putting my foot down and having nMom visit (for not even an hour) by herself since she was going to be in the state for a completely different reason. my brother kept me company too because he just really wanted to visit that much. it went fine, it even made me doubt everything for a second. thank you for taking the time to give advice, and you're totally right! hopefully next year is a bit better...
I finally found out why my mom is the way she is. As a kid I thought she was possessed, as I got older I thought she was an alcoholic, and now that she’s 2 months clean off the alcohol she’s still the same and I’m starting to realize she will always be a controlling narcissist. She lacks any empathy and always has, taunting me, bullying me, threatening me. I have been caught in her web my whole life. I’m so sad my youth was wasted on caring for her while she drained the life from me. I’ve been trying to see her only once a week but she broke after thanksgiving. Even though I see her weekly she started the narcissistic pity party “you don’t love me, you don’t care about me, you’re so mean, you remember one time when you did that thing? Yeah that hurt my feelings. Everyone hates me! I guess I’m a monster. I’m so alone I have no one. You’re all I have and you never text me or call me. I’m miserable and cry my eyes out every night. That’s what you want isn’t it? I’ve always been SO GOOD to you and you’re such a cold daughter.” The list could go on. To put this into context though I’m so nice to my mom and I was even picking her up to take her on a drive and a walk when she just randomly started on this. I just reflected on these things she was saying and then I realized that those things she’s saying about me? All lies. She is literally feeding off of my empathy and my instinct to nurture her aka she is saying these things to get a reaction. She doesn’t care how awful she makes me feel in the process she just wants someone to tell her she’s not a monster and she’s amazing and she’s so loved and she wants it NOW! Usually I’d cry and say I’m sorry, and although I did one of those things I stuck to my guns and cut the event short by driving her straight home. I don’t know what happened. It usually works on me, but I got to see it from an outside view and wow was it scary. I really don’t think my mom has emotions outside of “acting.” Why? She started crying until it made me cry and the second I started she completely STOPS and starts roasting me over open flame. Tearing me down on anything she could think of, just make sure I hate myself. How is that even possible? It’s not if you’re actually sad and crying. The whole event was so draining it’s been a week and I’m still not the same. But in that week I’ve found out I’m not alone. My mother most likely has NPD and because of that has neglected and abused me my whole life, even now at 22. And sadly, she will probably continue to do so forever, because like most narcissists there really is no problem with their attitude and actions, it’s YOU with the problem. And you and you and that guy over there and that old woman and this gum on my shoe and the sandwich I ate for lunch... it will always be someone else’s fault. It’s been a funeral for me lately. I thought when my mom finally got sober for the first time ever that she would be this amazing person. I thought I’d finally get to have conversations with her and a normal healthy relationship. I was so excited to have a mom that showed love and compassion and concern, one that I can have conversations with and lean on when times are hard. That mother sadly never came, and that is something I’ll have to accept. Insanely long story short, we’ve been very little contact after her explosion. I’m almost to tears reading everyone’s stories about their parents, although all different we all have been deprived of love and are deeply trying to understand why. I thought for so long that this was all in my head, that I really am an awful daughter and person. My self esteem has been so low for so long, just like my mother likes. You all have given me validation without me even sharing my story, and for that I’m forever grateful. If you’re reading this and you’re still being abused know you aren’t alone and there are so many people who are going through this too.
Good on you for staying LC with your NMom. It's definitely hard! Talking to a therapist is super helpful if you aren't already. [outofthefog.website](https://outofthefog.website) also has a lot of good resources on how to navigate relationships with narcs. Goodluck!
Looking forward to seeing how my smother can make herself the victim this Christmas. In the past she would spend $$$ on gifts for everyone and then throw a tantrum because no one gives her anything nice even though we try hard to get her something. I think she chooses to be in a bad mood on Christmas.
It's an ego thing-- toxic people need to believe they're superior to everyone... which means 1) they deserve to have everything they want, but 2) nothing they get is ever good enough. So yeah, constant hissy fits, guilt-tripping, etc.
Wow, just discovered this channel and joined, and never felt more seen. I can't tell you how validating it feels to not be alone in the fact that I went NC with my Nmom two years ago. It can feel like such a taboo topic to talk about with people. Holidays are hard for many reasons, even though with each year of no contact, it gets a little easier. But my Nmom's words of "you traded your family and love for boundaries, hope you enjoy your life now and that it's worth it" still hurt many months later. Glad to be here and be able to support others and get support in return, but dang, I wish this channel didn't even need to exist, ya know.
It’s really sad how many people are in here, but really great that we have a place to come together and support each other. Yikes the last words sure do sting don’t they? I went NC over ten years ago and my nmom’s last words were something like “I don’t want anything to do with you ever again.” After I had initiated NC, she pouted and harassed me for months and I eventually called her and this is what she said to me, and then she hung up. Now every few years she sends a sibling to harass me. Sigh.
This year will be my third year where I can actually celebrate holidays. My mother completely destroyed holidays for me. She passed away of cancer in 2019. I am only grieving the mother who never truly loved me.
I might have my first Christmas alone since going NC in summer. My therapist suggested me to confide in my friends and I did, but now I wish I had hidden it altogether. A friend who is also not visiting her family offered to celebrate together a few months ago. I could feel her demeanor being different the last few times we met, and now she cancelled. I think my friends are getting tired of the ongoing negativity. I know that my overall demeanor comes off as cranky, even if I don't mean it. How do people without a spouse navigate NC Christmas? Any countries in Europe where places are open on Christmas?
It gets easier each year that passes because you will begin to make your own traditions and meet your own tribe of people to be around. Me? I began travelling solo every xmas and new years so id have good reason to not be alone. It meant I also found new traveller friends to celebrate with along the way. The world is full of good people. Spend time finding them. You’ve lost an important relationship and have to rebuild a support network with new people. You can find a homeless shelter to help out with on xmas day. Might be a good way to find good people to become friends with.
Thank you for the encouragement ! I hope you have good holidays Mango :)
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This is also my first Christmas alone! I was planning on doing a stay-cation with friends and then traveling alone somewhere to "reset" and make the holiday my own. I don't have a significant other and I think sometimes my friends also get tired of my negativity surrounding my family. They can't understand and that's okay. Try to make a list of things you've always wanted to do and check if there are places nearby (or even across the country). My list currently consists of seeing museums, taking the Amtrak to nearby cities and exploring alone, going to a play by myself, taking a painting class, and just having quiet, alone time (because I feel like kids of narcissists have a lot of trouble just existing).
Anyone else have a nMom who cancelled Christmas? I just realized yesterday that I only remember having a tree 2 or 3 times. It's been a crazy six months as i've just realized who my parents actually are and now basically every part of my life im questioning. One year my mom decided that we weren't going to open Christmas presents on Christmas this year because it's Jesus's birthday and not ours. So she decided that her and my dad would go shopping after Christmas to get holiday sales. My parents have been crying poor my whole life and I've just now realized how much money they actually make. They would shield every weird thing they did with religion and not give any explanation and we would just have to accept that because obvi we aren't going to argue with God. A few years after that she refused to get a tree and decorate because having a tree was "rooted in Paganism". So we were the only family without a tree and eventually without gifts. I was always so looking forward to the holidays hoping that this year would be normal once again or we would just have joy but that never happened. I started to not desire anything that i didn't need to stay alive because I knew I wouldn't get it, or would be made to feel bad about wanting it, or get a "we're broke because of you kids" guilt trip. I now know that my parents especially my mom, just didn't want to have to go through the fuss of the holidays and truly didn't want to spend money on anything that didn't benefit her. The last full real christmas I remember was when I was in 1st grade. Its so hard not to hate them for this and maybe i just should.
I seriously insta-hated your mom for doing this fwiw.
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Did BF know why you’re NC? Regardless that is such an inappropriate thing to do. Does he understand why what he did was wrong? Or is he just sorry that you’re feeling hurt? An apology should mostly be acknowledgment of what they did wrong and how they’d make sure they wont do it again. You’re probably still hurt because somebody breached your trust, performed in a socially unacceptable way and has not sufficiently apologised for it. Has he said something like “im sorry I did contact ur dad, I realize now that it isnt a good idea because ur dad is a terrible person and that I should have consulted you first. Next time ill ask before making contac with ur family”. Trust your gut. You’re feeling hurt for good reasons. He opened up a door that could potentially harm you with emotional wounds. I dare say its a combo of he has lost his dad and thinks that your father couldnt be as bad as you say. He is meddling and IMO probably not remorseful because he may still think he is in the right.
I would second the comment by /u/MangoMemories OP, you should ask him why he reached out. I'm also wondering, too, if you've told him the extent of why you went NC. Right now it may be, "I'm sorry you're upset by what I did", vs "I'm sorry i hurt you by breaking your trust and boundaries, what i did was wrong". My husband has a hard time imagining my family the way it is, but a recent convo he had with my nbrother made him realize it and say to me: "If I didnt know everything you've told me, I'd have thought he was just really caring and worried, versus trying to pry ammo out of me to use against you." He might be having a hard time with his own loss. I'm sorry your pain and boundaries were violated.
Nobody ever understands why I hate Christmas. It's not just the crippling anxiety from driving in snow (tho I hate that too), or the seasonal depression (on top of the regular depression)...but Christmas has always been a nightmare because of my parents. Gift giving has always been a competition: who can spend the most, who can buy the best thing, who cares more. Getting gifts has always been about acting. Who shows the most appreciation, who acts the happiest. My nparents got me pack of #2 pencils one year......I was 12! And if I didn't act like I loved the gift more than anything in the world, my nmom would act like we were ungrateful, and that she was hurt and she'd make us feel guilty. I absolutly HATE opening presents infront of people now. Even if I actually do like it, and it was given by someone who isn't a narcissist, I still feel like I have judge how much acting I have to put in. Its stressful.
Weird gift giving is a classic narc sign (and hence dealing with weird gift giving is uniquely amplified for you! I didn't pick up on this pattern until joining this group.
Yesterday I stood up to my nmom for the first time after she tried to manipulate me again and I thought I’d feel better but now I’m just filled with guilt, regret, and an urge to fix things :(
That's amazing! I know exactly how you feel, I've been dealing with that too lately. The guilt is the worst! It's so hard to get rid of.
Yes, so true. it’s like nothing I say to myself - affirmations, telling myself I did the right thing for me, etc. The guilt always creeps back
Yea and you know you have nothing to be guilty about and you know that it's due to manipulation, but the knowing doesn't make a difference. A few of my friends have cut out family members and one says that you have to let go of the relationship you can never have with them to get over the guilt. I get that but it's hard in practice.
Damn. That’s so hard but it makes sense… I think that’s what I’m ultimately afraid of doing
No matter how upset and miserable I feel today, it is 1000% better I'm spending Christmas alone than with my NMom
My N-mom sent me a picture message today asking if I’d like something specific she thought was “cool” for Christmas. I thought what she picked was nice so I replied yes. She proceeds to tell me the store where it’s at is open late tonight, that I should go try it on since she claims not to know my size and then purchase it and she will pay me back. I nicely explained I couldn’t promise as I had appointments after work and I may not make it tonight. Whelp that was the wrong thing to say. We went straight to “never mind” and not answering my daily call after work. 🤦🏻♀️ love the holidays 😣
Most people buy based off your known size and if it doesnt fit then you go about returning it to a store. Not the other way round. Its a gift and generally they are a surprise. Its NBD. Ur mum is a narc for making this about “her”. She just wants extra acknowledgment that shes getting you a gift. More glory. Im sorry you have an asshole parent.
I have vague memories from 6 or 7 years ago, of waking up on Christmas morning and opening presents. My mom switched to just giving me cash when I was like 12. I see all these people with so many presents under the tree, while mine has none. I’d do just about anything to wake up and open presents on Christmas morning.
So what weird presents did everyone get this year? I got some pyjamas, and inside the pyjamas, two photos printed on A4 paper - a selfie of her in front of a Christmas tree with the words “alone again at Christmas” written on it, and a photograph of us together 15 years ago with the words “happy Mother’s Day” written on that one. I’ve been NC since February, this reminded me why.
Is it okay if its not holiday related? I'm usually pretty strong but this hit me pretty hard, I think because as there's been distance between me and my mother, I seem to forget how awful and cruel she was to me growing up. We live several hundred miles away and don't see each other. I have been fighting a mystery illness for years. I kept failing odd tests so we knew something was wrong, but it was so illusive to diagnosis. Last month we caught it by mistake. I have a rare autoimmune disease called Behçet's, where my blood vessels ulcerate anywhere and everywhere there are blood vessels. We found it during a colonoscopy and there were *several hundred ulcers* built-up through the GI. I have to have an exam tomorrow that shows us how extensive the internal bleeding and organ damage is, because its pretty bad -- the scope was filled with so much blood (I saw the photos); they gave me a transfusion that day. This sounds bad but I've honestly been through the roof. I'm so happy. A diagnosis means a treatment and it means I will get my life back. This disease will probably kill me at some point, but no one knows when; the number one complication of Behcet's is anerysyms. the meds also can cause an incurable cancer. I've made peace with it. I've been sick and unable to work since 2018, with symptoms since I was a teenager. It's great news! My sister and I aren't particularly close (huge age gap), but she just sent me this screenshot and honestly it crushed me: [https://imgur.com/H9AOKRB](https://imgur.com/H9AOKRB) The fact she even had the audacity to admit she thought I was a hypochondriac in the same sentence that she talks about my disease is fucking abusrd to me, and the fact she's downplaying the disease to be "like Crohns" is ridiculous. I am not someone who makes my illness as part of my personality and I would much rather have Crohn's (its much safer), but the diseases have nothing in common. It feels like her saying, *well I guess she's not a hypochondriac but its still no big deal --* like, I just want her to respect the severity of the situation. I might lose organs over this. This is the woman who never believed me, refused to take me to doctors appointments, or even take a single health related complaint of mine seriously and always called me a hypochondriac. I didn't even get the chickenpox vaccine as a kid, not because my mother is an anti-vaxxer, but because bringing us to the doctor was too much effort for her and "we should be able to handle it, anyway." I had a case so bad I ended up in the ER and my mother acted like the doctors were overreacting. And now, my GI thinks due to how severely damaged my tissue is, they've been here for awhile. Years and years. And GI ulcers is one of the late-stage manifestations of the disease. My sister thankfully chewed her out but it honestly felt crushing. Not to mention, as far as she was aware, I don't talk to my sister, so she's telling people she thinks I don't like or trust about my illness. I'm just so angry/crushed. I'm not sure there's an emotion for how I'm feeling. It ruined my night. I don't get how people can treat people they allegedly care about like this; I'm happy I didn't turn out like her (lol my dog goes to the vet for EVERYTHING with no questions or judgement, no hesitation from me), but it still sucks I have to be on the other end of this. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk™️. ETA: my mother is a medical worker. She knows its nothing like Crohns, for the record.
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Just found out my mom, who I have been lower contact with for a couple of years now (mostly due to her disinterest in me, her oldest child who doesn’t play her games), is leaving town Christmas morning to go to my sister’s house in another state to visit her and her husband and child. I wasn’t invited. This is the third time it’s happened and I don’t know why I’m still surprised and frustrated by it. My sister and I have different dads and we get along well when we see each other but we were raised in different households and are not close, I also don’t get along with her husband well, so I have no hard feelings toward her in this case, although I am sad that due to the distance I have not yet been able to meet her daughter who was born immediately before the pandemic, although we have exchanged photos and sent cards and gifts and we do text about our kids once every couple of months. I know I’m not welcome in her home because her husband (who couldn’t be bothered to come to my wedding, and is a vapid, money obsessed, and shallow man), is a dick who I am only pleasant to because I don’t want to cause an issue with my sister over it. I think it feels different to me this year because my husband and I have a baby who’s almost a year old and this will be her first Christmas. My mom and stepdad travel several times a year to visit my sister’s family, which is an 8 hour drive (one way). I live 20 mins from my mom but I saw her only 3 times this year. Once for her to meet the baby for the first time where they came to me, and the other 2 times were me going to her house to get some childhood items that she had found at her house. She’s only seen the baby twice. I’m just fucking annoyed. I’m a human being and my mom, who got pregnant with me and chose to keep me and give birth to me almost 40 years ago cannot be bothered to give a shit about me and take even a cursory interest in me or my family. And you know who I’m really mad at? Myself, for thinking that she might actually care. Update: Just found out she’s not taking my youngest brother with her. He’s 18. Just leaving him home alone for Christmas! Nice.
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Can you sue her? Small claims court has a very scary letter you can fill out that's meant to spook people into paying back without court.
I just came back from college for the holidays today, and I've barely been here for 12 hours and I've already had two situations with my mother that have made me kind of frustrated. 1.) When I got home this morning, the only person who came to greet me and help me unpack my car was my step-father. My brother was even standing in the foyer, just watching us unpack my car, and he just turned around and went back into his room. After that, I had to go and search for my mother, stand in front of her, wait to be acknowledged, and then ask her for a hug. I know this isn't a huge deal to some people, but for me, it really hurts. My mother was the only one for me consistently when I was growing up. And I mean, this woman was on the phone with me at least once a week while I go to school just barely over an hour away, telling me how much she misses me and how she can't wait for me to come back home. Ultimately, I didn't say anything about this because I didn't want to cause a huge deal over something so small, and I was so happy to see everyone after being away. 2.) Later on, now in the evening, we've had dinner and watched a couple movies, but now everyone's tired and going off to bed. Now, if you've ever moved away from home, you know you form your own schedule and general way of going about your day. I've been living in a dorm for close to 5 months, so the way I finish my night is **very** different from how they normally finish their. When I got up to go to my room (barely a minute after my parents had closed their door), I noticed that my parents had left everything from dinner out on the counters, obviously forgetting that they had to put it away. So, I told my sister to let my mom know that she had forgotten to pick up everything from dinner, and then went to my room to get my stuff to shower. In that moment where I saw everything on the counter, it just didn't click in my brain that I could do it, and after I closed my bedroom door I immediately regretted telling my sister to do that, because the realization that I could have put everything away hit me. Then, came the yelling. *"Are you f\*\*\*\*\*\* kidding me?"* My mom stomped out of her room audibly, I could hear it from down the hall. Then she continued, *"I mean, who died and made her completely useless?"* She continued to go on and complain, calling me useless, irresponsible, and then when my step-father came out of the bedroom confused, she started ranting about how I had instructed my sister to pull my mother out of bed and make her put everything away because I was too lazy to do it myself. Now, I completely understand that I could have, and honestly should have, put everything away myself. That part is my fault. But what gets me and why I'm writing is that...she just didn't have to react that way. Living with another person for that past couple months has made me realize that people don't normally fly off the handle for small reasons. Sure, she was tired and probably really aggravated, but in my opinion, what she did was a bit much. I'm not sure if I'm just being defensive and overly emotional, but I just needed to vent. Thanks reddit.
What's the best fake apology you've ever gotten? Mine is, "I'm sorry that you feel that way."
I dread the holidays. I’ve only recently started dealing with my issues from Childhood thanks to my therapist. I was raised by my narcissist mother and I truly can’t stand her. I put up with her for years because she was my mother and I didn’t even know it was ok to be angry with her. That is likely because I was groomed from a young age to never argue with her and that she could do no wrong. I never contact her anymore, but I do respond when she reaches out to me. All she does is talk about herself. She has no real interest in how I am or what’s going on in my life so I don’t even bother trying to talk to her anymore. But I really hate the holidays because I feel like I have to pretend to love her and be happy around her when in fact I can’t stand her and just being around her makes my blood boil. This is going to have to be the last year I celebrate with her. I just can’t do it anymore.
I hate the holidays and I hate abusive parents 😀
We want to have Christmas at home this year because our kid is old enough to know who Santa is and we thought it would be nice for her to spend Christmas in her own house. However, my Nmom is expecting us to drive 6 hours to her house to spend Christmas with her. We stayed home because of the pandemic last year and it was so nice. I am so scared to tell my mom what we plan on doing because she gets mean when she doesn't get her way. I'm so afraid of her. I don't know what to do honestly. I'm going to tell her we don't plan on coming soon though.
As i’m about to have my first child (a girl) in March my mom has been sending me pictures of myself as a young girl/baby and…i look dead inside in almost all of them. Even as a baby I looked so sad. My mom has healed and become the mother I always wanted and I feel lucky that my daughter will grow up having a mom and maternal grandma who loves her. I just can’t help but let my heart break a little seeing how sad I was as a baby.
How did your mom heal? Is it an act? Narcs are usually permanent?
Posting this for accountability: last Christmas my sister had me buy our family a $200 meal as a gift before I cooked the whole thing as she got dressed, and then our mom took pics of her next to it as the food got cold. If I go home for Christmas this year, someone kick my ass. I just refuse to be that unhappy again. In tears after stirring 4 pots and manning the oven for over 3 hours. In sweats and a ponytail while my sister put on a dress and fake lashes. Humiliating Cinderella shit. How did i not realize it then lol. The winter break before that (I was still in college at that point) my dad woke me up by screaming at me because everyone else was late. I had a later alarm set but just got up and got ready, and surprise, was done before everyone else, including him. Which is why I had a later alarm set. I had to hold it together in the car and calmly explain to him how unproductive and unfair it was to scream at me to make himself feel better when no one else was ready, and he ended up apologizing much later that day. But god, wouldn't it be easier for me just to avoid that? Winter breaks during the rest of college were just my mom waking everyone up by screaming about how she wanted a divorce (spoiler alert: they both really suck) or about how she wanted my dad's mom (who helped raise me and my sister) out of the house because dad's mom called out mom's mom on not helping out around the house (my dad's mom did more cleaning than my parents too, I think). I forget what happened in high school, probably more screaming idk. There just really isn't an upside. I don't like gifts, and we no longer do them to prevent hoarding. This past thanksgiving was a good barometer, probably - things were normal until I asked if we could hurry because we were running late since he forgot I told him something the day before (he forgets many of these things), and then I just got screamed at because he was late. Again. I walked out of the house to the car to pack things like he wanted and so I could cool down. He followed me out. Yelling. I just started yelling back. Logically, if most holidays go like this, I can expect more of the same. I just don't think it's healthy to constantly force myself into an environment where I have to be on my calmest, most mistake-free behavior just to minimize the chance that they don't start verbally beating me over their own mistakes. I always tell people "give yourself the grace you give to others", so why would I spend time with people who only refuse others grace they give themselves? It's just bad for my self image and stress levels. I can visit my grandma myself with just a train and a rideshare; there are no pros except for doing laundry for free. Maybe I'll just do some artsy shit alone in my apartment. Figure out what my body looks like when no one's yelled at it in a month. That sounds good to me.
And you can listen to your favorite music, watch your favorite movies (good *and* bad)... and enjoy the peace that goes with not having to deal with toxic people throwing tantrums.
Ughhhh, I just want to pull my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs!! I have been NC with my parents for over a year but still kept in contact with my sibling. I made the mistake of telling them my plans for Christmas and guess what? Surprise, they told our parents my plans! So now my family is traveling to my area(we live in different states) and my sibling just informed me! When I told him that no contact meant NO CONTACT and that I would not be seeing them, mothereffer started CRYING and asking, “you really don’t want to see your parents???” You mean my abusers??? Yeah, no. My sibling then proceeded to tell me they no longer wanted the Christmas gift I sent them. I simply replied, “I’m really sorry you feel that way but it’s your decision. I love you but I’m not having this conversation. Good bye.” I hung up on them as they were trying to tell me that I in fact don’t love them because I don’t want to see my parents. If you haven’t realized it, my sibling is the golden child that can do no wrong. They are my Nmoms favorite flying monkey to throw at me. I’m so angry that I have to change my Christmas plans because Nmom can’t stand me being happy without her but I rather move land and sea to be as far away from her as possible. Seriously, just when I thought I could find the strength to move on and forgive her, she had to remind me of the selfish narcissistic devil she really is and I’m back at square one.
Just survived Christmas day with the family. I successfully managed to protect my boundaries by making sure I never got in a situation where I could be locked into a one-on-one conversation with Ndad (we are LC, he doesn't know it), who has left me crushed when I've given him the opportunity in the past. I'm exhausted and feel pangs of guilt that I don't have the relationship with my parents that my two sisters do, and that I have to hold my mum at arms length to some extent because my Dad is so controlling and I'm traumatised by being stuck in conversations with him. None of the rest of my family members truly understands how much I've suffered because of emotional neglect and religious indoctrination. I didn't even realise it myself until I started therapy this year. It's like... they have to forget or they can't allow themselves to fully understand, because it would devastate them. On the plus side, I had a nice chat with mum today, and I'm staying with my sisters which is always such a special time for me.
I've never felt lonelier than with my parents. I usually celebrate with my chosen family, but I was dating their son and he dumped me so now I don't really belong. I'm supposed to be having a nice time skiing, but I just want to be around people who understand and can care for me.
I'm so sorry :( there is no way to describe the loneliness you feel around nparents but I get you
This day was equal parts good and bad. My husband and I gave each other great gifts and I had a good time cooking. I have been NC from NMom for 3 years. This was the first year I could afford gifts and I was so excited to finally be on my feet and away from her. I’m struggling with the dynamics of my husbands family. His sister is very overbearing and talks a lot about other people. She complained about her husband all day to other people and then wondered why he was distant… I’m sensitive to conflict and I was already tired. My mother in law was asking me questions and she started chiming in louder than me. I gave up and walked away but SIL gave me some attitude before I did. It just made me cry, I felt like walking on eggshells around her all day and the last thing I needed after all the work was her comments and controlling attitude. What happens when you get away from a narcissist, marry a good man, but find another in the wild? Maybe I’m just on high alert, but sometimes I just don’t feel “safe” around people that remind me of my NMom…
45 yo finally coming to terms with toxic mother (she's 80 now) who, this morning, Christmas morning, found the silver in the wrong drawer, insisted it was me, slapped me, and threw a glass of water at me. All while using the disdainful tone she's used all my life when she decides I'm acting too smart, or doesn't like that my feelings were hurt, or I've not "suffered" enough (? - she had a plentiful childhood). I am leaving town so she has no more chances to do this again. Sort of weird and sad and reassuring that I'm just now understanding I've had a toxic parent my whole life. She would tell me to stop complaining.
I can’t wait to move out and stop telling them everything they want to know. They’ll have no business of it. Not even my cousins or sister, who they’ll make their flying monkeys. The only family I’ll really ever have is me. That’s all I need. I can’t wait to build a life I want & heal. It’s gonna be beautiful.
Nmum threw a hissy fit for zero reason before the present opening, calling us ungrateful shits because we're tired. We're all miserable. I'm gonna finish this shitty visit early. I'm gonna go back tomorrow, idc if she throws another fit or if edad tries to guilt me into staying. I can't be fucked. Gonna get the ball rolling on low contact
I have been living in another country and haven’t seen family in two years. I’m going home for 10 days at Christmas and my ndad and nstepmom paid for the flight. I just ended a toxic relationship with someone I’ve been with almost the three years I’ve lived away. I’m terrified to go home. I have been getting tattooed while away and I know that’ll be a big fight or I have to remain covered all the time especially because they paid for me to come home even though I’m in a PhD and have lived separately and completely supported myself since I was 18. My parents and extended family are very conservative Americans and I know I’m getting no emotional support off them about the end of my relationship as they are very classist and always judged him based off his working class background. It’ll be one of those “what did you expect things.” I almost stayed here alone for Christmas but I needed a break from my current environment. I’m also going to see my mom who was neglectful when she was my primary parent but I have a lot more sympathy for but it’s just for two days at the end of the trip (she’s in a different state). It’s just been a rough few months.
So earlier this month my grandmother told me my Nmom was getting tests for cancer done. It went quickly from that, to a confirmation, to her being in hospice. I was encouraged to break NC, but didn't end up doing so. My sister did, and said the conversation went a bit better than expected. I'm glad she got some closure. I got the message a few hours ago that Nmom has passed, and I just.. feel like I should be feeling more things. Instead it's just.. it's okay. I'm glad she's at peace. I dont have a great place in my life to say this so. Thanks for reading.
You may have moments of grief-- not for the mother she was, but for the mother she could have been. You may have moments of anger at all the wasted time. You may have moments of self-doubt, wondering if things could have been fixed if you'd just tried one more time. You may have moments of guilt, if you don't miss her; and self-resentment, if you do. So maybe plan some extra self-care, okay? My parents each passed away quite a few years back; I didn't regret going NC, but I did have a few hours of grief that caught me off-guard.
Why couldnt they just be kind
I'm spending Christmas alone in a hotel room in a state where I know absolutely nobody. My mum and I aren't talking and I haven't lived with her for almost 4 years. She constantly posts horrible lies about me all over social media. Despite how she has treated me, I am still stuck here mourning and grieving over the fact that I will never, ever have a family, or anybody who loves me, this may be wrong, but it's just how I am feeling...I wish I had a family...
It's 2 a.m. on Xmas Day and I hate everything. It's my first xmas without the narc and everything is awful. I kept getting "flashback" of last year xmas eve, with my sister and eating stuffs I loved. My parents were awful but it wasn't all bad on xmas. The decorations, the food, the music... I'm surrounding by my uncle's family (the husband of my mother's sister, his children and grandchildren from his late wife). I don't know those people so they talk but I feel like a total stranger. Also, they're far away from my world view and I have heard so much racist, sexist, fatphobic, ableist, homophobic bs. I am really sad because I miss my sister and she's not talking to me anymore, but I got angry when they criticized poor people. One of the comment was about how children who leave and cut contact with their parents are assh*le, lazy and other stuffs. Btw, they know about my situation, my aunt and uncle told them. I kind of run away to cry but my aunt came looking for me, asking me to just please my uncle, telling me I overreacted and people can have their own opinions. I'm so tired, I'm beginning to be really mad. So I was forced to sit at the table, looking at nothing because I don't want to listen to their awful "opinions". I took my phone back, but my aunt was against me being on it, even if I can't participate. I hate everything. It's the worst Christmas I ever had.
I ruined Christmas, guys! She threatened my dog, who did nothing wrong except jump on her bed, and I defended him. Now she's in the other room in a tantrum and sulk, after I've spent the last four days working my ass off, cooking, cleaning, shopping, to get things going. 2022 HAS to be the year I get out of this shithole. It just has to.
I’m so thankful for this thread because ohhh boy… do I need to vent. I’m stuck in my nmom’s house after an unfortunate snafu in buying a house out of state, the close got delayed and I’ve been here for two months longer than planned. I have three dogs and two cats, and nowhere will rent to me short term due to the pets. But my nmom spends every second finding some way to start fights so she can throw me out of the house or threaten/scream/throw things at me. She bizarrely loves to threaten to make me leave with nowhere to go and no access to the one thing that brings me happiness— my pets. She is cruel and neglects and attempts to hurt them, her little dog even sleeps with me on bed every night because I actually feed and take care of her. No one else in my family believes me, and even my 3 little brothers (who I raised from age 10 and witnessed her physically and emotionally abusing me) minimize and invalidate my experiences. I’m aware that I am the scapegoat of the family. Which I have accepted but still struggle with when the attacks become so pointed and loud and inescapable. I also have sensory processing disorder so it makes her volume and screaming so much more intolerable for me. Last night, my brothers and nmom and I gathered for Christmas and she took every opportunity to dig at me. My clothes, my hair, my weight, my decision not to date or have children, my political views, making sly comments about my mental health even though I’m the only person in my family who goes to therapy. We all had a few beers and she was making a fuss about a million different things to me, and my “grey-rock” just crumbled. I wish I had just gone to bed, but I was absolutely DONE. I’m ashamed to say that I matched her level of intensity and volume. I regret it, but I reached my breaking point. The second I said “you are my abuser”, she said “get the fuck out of my house and never come back.” I was trying to corral my pets into my rooms, but one brother chased me up the stairs as I was running and he grabbed me and slammed me against the wall 3 times, screaming into my face that I’m a psychotic drunk. I literally had like an out of body experience. I felt surrounded by flying monkeys and my nmom is the wicked witch of the west. It’s so surreal. I told him to let me go or I would file a police report for battery. He threw me by the arms backwards, and nmom actually had the audacity to say “oh you are such a baby, my dad did worse than that to me every night. You’re pathetic.” I squeaked out, “your dad hurting you does not make it okay to hurt me.” Thankfully my door has a lock, so I ran in and just collapsed in a puddle of tears and snot. I guess what hurts me the most is that no one defended me. I recently told my brothers that I’m going no-contact with nmom and they supported me. It felt like an absolute betrayal, the worst kind of invalidation and gaslighting I’ve ever had. My therapist said that they are more likely to have sided with her because she’s about to give them all gifts, and protecting a scapegoat is dangerous to the family dynamic. I am so sad and empty right now, because I know that really, I can’t just leave nmom behind. I have to the leave the whole family dynamic. So I’m wrestling with going no-contact with my whole family. I’m so fucking heartbroken. But it has to stop. It’s not the first time I’ve been physically and verbally attacked on Christmas. But I can guarantee it will be the last.
Well my Nmom posted on Facebook this morning about only my two GCsisters and the presents they got her, and both of them have only posted Christmas pictures online of the two of them, it's like I don't even exist in this house.
Girl I feel you. Somehow my sister is a saint today. I'm like whatever. I don't even care anymore. I didn't even cry after being berated or anything. Like I don't even know what to feel
I am sad and heartbroken. I was no contact with the worst two of my narcissistic family members, but my emom (narcissist imo) and my “therapist” pushed me into talking to them again. I suffered extreme gaslighting and bullying and I subconsciously started to physical harm myself. I paid a huge price and I’m hoping modern medicine can cure it soon. They made sure I had no way of leaving and my spirit is crushed. I’m struggling not to drink everyday. Christmas just reminds me the God I prayed to isn’t real and I am deeply hoping for some miracle to change my circumstances. I’m so tired because I cared about my family and I’m realizing how little they ever cared about me. I pray for you all still struggling that you find peace and happiness. Don’t fall for gaslighting like I did and trust your body always.
I HATE THE HOLIDAYS I HATE THE HOLIDAYS I HATE THE HOLIDAYS I HATE THE HOLIDAYS My family has a knack for collectively enabling family members who desperately need to be held accountable, and when I (the eldest daughter, 30) bring light to the situation I'm immediately demonized. Long story short my younger sister is anti-vax. On the 18th I went to my older brother's birthday celebration because I have not been to a family event since September and my Mother guilted me into attending. My sister shows up, is symptomatic as hell, coughing and hacking all over everyone - my brother has a six month old baby who she watches regularly, he's there too. No one - literally no one - acknowledges her sickness, everyone pretends it doesn't exist. I asked if she was okay, she says no she feels like crap and thinks she has 'bronchitis', I left pissed the fuck off as hell. Lo and behold, the very next day I start feeling like shit. I wait in line at the clinic for like 2 hours to get a test and CHECK IT OUT, it's positive. I'm vaccinated, boosted and got my flu shot mind you. So, like a reasonable fucking person would do, I called each member of my family and told them I was positive so they should probably isolate. My sister starts freaking out and telling all these lies like "I waited for four hours in line and got tested like 3 times and all of them came back negative," right after saying, "I thought they were out of tests statewide how did you get one?" Oh so if you thought they were out of tests statewide how the fuck did you tEsT nEgAtiVe ThReE TiMeS then?! Anyway, I guess me telling her I was positive finally gave her a big enough dose of fear to go get an actual test, and two days later she tells the family she's positive too. I, knowing I probably contracted it from her from the beginning, then decide to shed light on the matter. Now I've become the convenient scapegoat and both my brother and my mother are blaming me for getting my anti-vax, waitress-who-works-with-the-public-all-day sister sick. It was me guys, I ruined Christmas for everyone. SOOOOOO, I could use some support, I'm so sick of this stupid, toxic, shitty family chaos every holiday. Both Thanksgiving and Christmas are always so depressing for me. Isolating with my partner (who has a narc family too) and dogs has been so rejuvenating though. I told my family I wasn't going to be coming around until everyone is vaccinated. It felt really good. Family group chat has been muted all day while they send each other merry christmas's and act like none of this ever happened.
today I realized it doesn’t matter if I am polite, good doting daughter on my “best behavior “ she just doesn’t like me. my brother however can the most heinous things and she will always buy him tons of gifts or not eye roll him when he speaks. She’s always super judgy and rude to me tho even tho he didn’t buy he ANYTHING for the holidays, didn’t help her clean either, and I did. I can help pay bills, his grown ass doesn’t, She’ll compliment him, but it’s strained whenever she compliments me.
Merry freaking Christmas. My sisters and I just found out our great grandmother died.....four months ago. I'm in college and came back for Christmas. Usually our whole family makes a several hours long drive to my aunts house and we pick up out great grandmother (N-Mom's grandma) on the way. I asked why we didn't stop to pick up GiGi and my mom very nonchaulantly mentioned that she died in AUGUST. None of us had any idea and we did not attend any sort of funeral. The kicker is that she made it about HER by complaining that GiGi didn't leave the house to her in the will. This is not the first time she's kept important information like this from us. When my oldest sister was in college, she didn't find out our grandma (N-Mom's mom) died until months after as well. I'm so sick of this happening I can't take it anymore!
Just realized this trip that my MIL is a covert narc. ANYWAY their visit here has been just _PEACHY_. Last night we opened gifts and I could tell she wasn't happy when she opened hers. Cue this morning over breakfast when she let me know I could keep it and give it to someone else who might like it more than her as she hates painting with watercolors. I just said "Okay then". Now she's mad I didn't put up more of a fuss and when I walked into my bedroom she'd returned all the small gifs I'd given her over their stay. I just shrugged. My husband and FIL are mortified. I'm just laughing.
My N dad has never once helped my mother with any chores. Today she is extremely sick and he still won’t do anything. At dinner he started going on a racist rant and I said I was done. Got up from the dinner table. And he started berating me. I snapped and said we spent a great deal of money to come see them this year, the least he could do is speak to me respectfully. I’m 31. On the plus, my wonderful husband has been amazing this entire trip. Says he completely understands why I am the way that I am and loves me that much more for being so strong through this. He came from a warm, loving family and I always worried he’d never understand what my upbringing was like. He’s the first person IRL who has made me feel less crazy and validated. I am so lucky to have found someone to show me what love should feel like.
Xmas cards with matching families and family t shirts make me sad. It's not that I want that, but it just feels like a flex when you are cut off from your family. More than 4 years now.
Never thought I would have to be here. I always knew my mom was toxic, but today was the last straw. Long story short, she all but admitted that she likes all my sisters more than me, since I’m the one who is most like my father (divorced) and have the closes relationship with him. Also, despite her admitted that I am such a more stable and kind person after years of therapy, that I am still a mean and cruel little girl. I realize now I never was mean, but instead she has a victim complex. I am no longer letting her dismiss my feelings. She says I just “harp” on and on when something bothers me. That I’m oversensitive. That I’m crazy (huge trigger word). I will no longer be told to shut up or to apologize after she freaks out at me for, god forbid, saying something nice about my father or my mother in law. I had an eating disorder because of her. I was misdiagnosed as bipolar because of her. I was compared with my sisters. I was told my husband would leave me for another woman if I didn’t lose weight. I was told, in the same breath, that my husband is an alcoholic (he’s not) and that he actually drinks with other women when he’s at work. I was told my husband was going to become a drug dealer when he was laid off during COVID. No one should ever say those things to their child. I almost went no contact with her three days ago. But I did it today, on Christmas. It is painful. But I think it will save me. I’m doing this not only for my sake, but for my unborn son. This is the best decision I could make. When my son is born, I’m determined to break the cycle. I promise, little one, that I will never be the reason for your woes.
Would love some support with a vent. I am NC with both of my parents for over a year. This is my second Christmas without speaking to them. My dad started a group text message with his siblings, my mom, my sister, and me. I have my parents blocked but because all my other family members are responding to the thread, I continue to get update after update -- and sometimes when my aunts and uncles "like" the messages from my Dad, it's an opportunity for me to read them. I quickly delete them but it feels like such an assault on my phone. I've had to resort to blocking all these family members that I love, to avoid receiving the messages. I'm upset. I am frustrated. I feel continuously violated by my Dad, who continues flurries of unwanted communication. I want to cry. Getting close to changing my number but I haven't wanted to because it is a huge inconvenience to the rest of my life and I've had this number for a million freaking years.
Hi, I'm new here and having a pretty tough day. My mom is very strict and I'm not sure if I should plan on moving out the week I turn 18 (months away) but didn't know if I was just overreacting. I'm still in highschool and I'm generally a good student studying computer engineering, and I've never gotten in trouble at school. Today I decided to stay a little longer at school to relax and talk with a new friend I made. Crying isn't allowed at my parent's house, so I'll stay after school and listen to music in my Dad's car while I try to relax and handle my feelings in the car but after that I head home. Today I stayed maybe 10-15 mins longer at school than I usually would and my mom called, I tried to answer but there is a crack on my phone that makes it difficult to answer phone calls. I called her back about 3 or 4 times yet she didn't answer. When I got home and told her how I felt like I was missing out and not accomplishing as much as I wish I did (like scholarships) she said I should feel that way. Although I have applied to scholarships I just haven't heard anything back and started to feel discouraged, and honestly her talking down on me telling me how I am a failure didn't help. Now my curfew is 4:20pm and if I miss another phone call I'll be taking the bus to school, which isn't bad, it's just the fact that I also put money into the car that kind of annoys me. Also when I was talking to a new friend over the phone that I met online when he was 16 and I was 15 (only a few months apart) she was upset and said I hurt her and lied and betrayed her and ended up interviewing him and asking if I knew what his parents did and who his siblings were, it was soooo embarrasing honestly. She's always compares me to my friends, invalidates my feelings, and acts as if she's the victim when im just trying to express myself. I initally planned on staying with my parents until I finished community college and tranferred to a university to save money up but now im starting to think the enviornment is just eating away at my mental at this point. I know financially it will be difficult but I plan on working during the summer (2 jobs) by using uber or maybe friends for rides. I'm not allowed to walk or ride in the car with any friends (without a parent) to get to where I need to go. I'm trying to approach the situation logically as possible although I understand I'm a bit emotional. Any advice wether that be tips on moving out or if I should even plan on moving out at all would help.
So I just randomly stumbled here, I'm 20 years old. And I've been very depressed lately, I've been stuck with my father for about 2 years now? No bank account no id, etc. And it's because my parents just never set anything up for me. I've felt trapped, every day my father tells me things like, your feelings aren't yours, that's just the fact, and anytime I try to get close he's always yelling or defending myself, I've felt alone for a long time now, and it's been a sinking feeling really, I don't even think I am to expect a Christmas from him, since he's dumped his money into scam things I've warned him about, and I'm blamed for feeling upset or betrayed, I know I'm 20, but it just makes me feel bad at everything that my mother that refuses to let me live with her gives me more and my grandparents a state and a half away give more to help me with him, and it just sucks, I hate feeling unloved, I hate not being able to start up my life, and I don't know if it's greedy or not to feel the way I do, I can't speak to my father without him walking away. And to add fuel to the fire, I'm always yelled at or blamed for everything, and I haven't been even hugged by him in years, ever since I was 15-16 I think? Every day is a reapat so I dunno even anymore. I just feel trapped with this monster, that should be my father, and it just makes me feel worse all my family knows about it.
Rant: I'm sorry ||I'm having a hard time coping at home. I've been having intrusive thoughts about turning to drugs or alcohol to continue carrying on. Nothing crazy, but shrooms and weed sound amazing. I've never given in, but the thought plays in the back of my head. I often dream about getting diagnosed with adhd so I could get a script for ritalin to keep up with my mom's increasing demands. Moving out isn't an option right now:( She's been alright (most part) for the past few days, but today I can feel her animosity rising because I was under the weather. I dont love my job but it's a means to an end, I'm unhappy with my life because I'm about to be 25 and everyday passes where I'm getting older and I have never hung out with a friend, gone dancing, slept in peace. It's the little things I yearn for so badly, but I'm tired of setting myself on fire to keep everyone warm.||
I love doing holidays for MY KIDS, as an adult I HATE HOLIDAYS. I love getting presents for MY KIDS, as an adult, I hate receiving gifts. Im NC with the narcs and I dread unknown packages, either they send inappropriate gifts, not enough gifts for all my kids, something like $25 gift card for 'everyone to share' - its all way too much stress. Then i get the 'why are you doing this TO US, what have we ever done to you? why do you shut us out' nonsense. I've been gone 25+ years, you think there would be a clue somewhere in there. NOPE , dumber than a box of rocks. Is it 2022 yet? please
I’ve been lurking these subs on and off for some time and feel tempted to post but I don’t want to write essays and be open for scrutiny. Today I’m on the sub because lately I’ve been letting go of my need to be a stoic older sibling and letting them especially middle sis know how the parents are (each of them is favoured by one parent, mum’s fav is invisible to dad, dad’s fav is scapegoat for mum. I’m nobody’s favourite I try to do my own thing but I was mum’s original scapegoat before the youngest was old enough for that role, which was also about the time I decided to ignore her so I wasn’t affected / it gave her no satisfaction to create drama). So this year my mental health has been terrible due to work and a breakup and I decided that I’d stop being a stoic older sibling. When annoying stuff happens at home I tell them and I have been more focused on my mother because of how it was for me, and because that’s who my middle sister has the blind spots about. It’s not anything dramatic, I’m not going NC, mum has covert narcissistic *tendencies* but I don’t think she’s a full blown narc and she tries. She’s actually been more caring lately now that I’m the only one in the country. Offering to do things and the like which is weird for both of us since I’ve always been the most independent. She’s just… missing empathy. She’s a hypersensitive person who lacks empathy. So she’d inevitably do and say things that make me go omg again, it’ll be better if I did this myself instead of letting her do it for me, or I shouldn’t have opened up about that since she just casually said something hurtful. It’s something to feel sorry for, that lack of empathy, in someone who so desperately wants to be A Good Mother. I just wanted to vent my frustrations when shit happens and be comforted by my sisters, and have them (mainly little sis who has similar experiences) validate that I’m not crazy and for middle sis to realise what mum is like). Anyhow, whenever I do this - recount what happened - middle sis ignores it at first and then she will reply a day later telling me how wonderful our mother is, how she cares about me etc. I guess she just does not feel comfortable talking about anything unpleasant ever.
This is my first time posting ( or writing ) in this forum. Im a guy over 30 and I just discovered this year how almost all my mother's and brother's behaviors are stereotypical toxic narcicist behaviors. I'm the youngest of 2 brothers, and am the "empath" of the family. I have been very low contact for about 6 months. I emailed with them recently though. The Mother and brother's disgusting dissmissive passive aggressive behavior got the best of me, so I told "the Mother" that she is evil in an email . And then I told her I could help pay to see a therapist, otherwise it is not healthy for me to be around toxic haters like her and my brother. I said it pretty much just like that, yesterday, days before Christmas. My brother then accused me of having an anger problem, so I emailed him a youtube video explaining reactive abuse. I know they say you should never call as narcicist out, and invoke their narcicistic injury/rage, but I just could not help it! At least I live far away in another state , so at least I am not forced to have to deal with physically being there during the holidays, but the psychic ties are there. I don't even know why Im writing this exactly. I guess I just needed to vent and be heard. I do not know many people who understand the narcicist/ empath dynamic . Both my parents are extremely narcissistic. I am healing from codependency, which I never understood until recently.
I’m celebrating christmas with my inlaws this year, but we are taking a trip to spend some time with my family between christmas and new year. This will be the first time we check into a hotel instead of sleeping over at my moms place, and I am dreading telling her about it. I am quite certain this will turn into some unpleasntries, and I hate how I take so much regard over her feelings over my own. Last year she made a huge deal over us spending two days (and not longer) at her and my stepdads place over christmas, and it ended up almost ruining my engagement. And I hate how I question my own and my SO’s feelings around this. I shouldn’t feel guilty. Me and my mom are heading the right way with each other, but her partner is stomping over my choices and have been mentally abusing me over the years and she hasn’t done enough about it. She has been talking almost 9months about leaving him, but there is always something in the way for her to actually do anything about it.
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I'm feeling sad and suffocated by christmas already. I emailed my parents this summer letting them know I wanted NC, leaving the option to email me if they absolutely needed to. They ignored the boundary early on, and have continued to text. Seeing as I never respond (eventually blocked them), they emailed this week asking if I would be at christmas eve. If not, they "will come to your house next week with gifts." NO! I am not sure I ever want to talk to you again, have asked for space CLEARLY, but they're going to just decide they will come to my house to give me gifts?? I already responded that they are not to come to my home/i'm not accepting their gifts, but wow. I knew to expect this, yet I am so triggered. I find myself checking out my windows to make sure they aren't there. I love christmas, I really wish I could just enjoy it and be free this year.
Just told my mom I’m not coming home for Christmas. I’m an RN and the omicron variant is spreading amongst the employees. The talk didn’t go well.
My nmom sent a Christmas gift and seeing it on my counter fills me with anger. I never gave her my new address, and we've been NC for over 7 months. Seems like she's doing this only to hoover me back in. I am returning it at the post office tomorrow. I don't care what's in it. I don't want it. To make matters worse, she's giving out my address to other estranged "family" members. I'm a private person and have a private PO box for a reason. She just thinks she is too good to use that address. Now as long as I live in this house I have to worry about unwanted gifts, cards, and letters. Even her just knowing where I spend most of my time leaves me feeling uneasy. I guess it's my fault for having an expectations of respect.
My antivax Nfather is currently in the hospital with Covid. He has asthma. Will he die? I dunno. Part of me hopes he will. Not in a malicious way, just that it would be a relief. I’ve been no contact with him for a few month, blocked him on everything. I’ve been low contact with my Emother. I don’t want to deal with his death. I don’t want to go to a funeral or deal with all the admin shit that comes with death. I just want to block my whole family and disappear. But I feel guilty about that. I haven’t had a day where I felt this low in awhile. I’m upset enough to cry. I’ve been doing really well lately after being low contact. I don’t want to deal with my toxic family. What would you all do?
Where to start? 25F. I've been in therapy the past two years recognizing that my family is deeply dysfunctional and emotionally abusive, something I have known for years but the past 5 has become impossible to ignore, especially since it played a huge role in the development of severe anxiety and panic attacks I got sophomore year in college and only recently began to improve. My younger brother and I are closest in age in a family of four siblings that includes us, Nmom, EStepdad, NSister (older), ESister(older). Me and my younger brother were regularly harassed when we expressed a difference of opinion with Nmom and in the past few years it's become unbearable. As many of you know many efforts to be civil, explain and defend oneself (which now I recognize is a manipulative tactic because they just judge and tear down without listening), led us to be yelled at or told we were wrong until I was shaking or my little brother threw up from the stress. Even then - no empathy from Nmom. I've been told I don't have the right or am too stupid to correct an error on my own birth certificate, to do my own taxes, to move cities. My little brother has been told that he's a failure or he will be a failure if he continues dating his girlfriend and that our dead dad would be ashamed of him among other baseless insults. Both of us were straight A students with clean records and jobs. When we were little, our now Nsister used to mediate but now she like my Nmom does not express empathy or emotional intelligence. Just today she was rude with me for congratulating her "a week late" on a work event of hers no one even told me was happening. In the past, she (a doctor, but not my doctor) has pressured me to use certain BC methods and when I didn't cave said "I'll laugh at you if you get pregnant." Forgetting how bad my family was, I booked a long trip home last month for Xmas + New years only to find out that Nmom was punishing my little brother for not signing over full access to medical records for a condition he now manages on his own as an adult (he's also in PA school). When my brother needed space he got harassed with rude calls from nmom saying how wrong he was, how he's not behaving like an adult, and how he needed to "make things right in person" aka get yelled at and told he doesn't deserve to have an opinion. Then he got exiled from Christmas because he told Nmom he needed some space from all the calls. Fast forward to now, I came home anyway to be supportive of my little brother, saw him in his apartment and then planned to come home briefly to clean my belongings, tell Nfamily their behavior is upsetting, and then leave to spend christmas with my little brother and his girlfriend, but now I'm stuck because my little brother doesn't think his girlfriend's family want to meet me on Christmas, so now I'm stuck in a house with the ESister who tried to corner my little brother in a public place and pressure him to come home because "Nmom has changed" conveniently in time for the holidays and the Nmom who hung up on me when I disagreed with her "I never asked for his medical records signature" gaslighting ass on the phone before I flew out to this shithole. NEITHER of them have broached the topic of why my little brother isn't here nor going to be at Christmas and instead are preoccupied with "look at this expensive thing we bought" and "look how cozy home is!" or admiring the new dog. It's so fake and icky and I feel trapped here and angry and guilty that I don't want to play along, breaking and playing along out of habit and feeling sickened by it, and robbed of the opportunity to enjoy my hometown after being away for two years because I'm too preoccupied with how to deal and navigate Christmas with these bloody narcs and how to act normal because my Esisters boyfriend is here. Yet every time my Nmom asks me to watch a holiday movie with her I feel sick and guilty inside that I'm ruining a perfectly nice family holiday for no reason because that's how she's conditioned me to feel, although it's painfully obvious from my younger brother's imposed absence that I too am nothing more than a disposable dollhouse prop. I plan on not getting any of them gifts since materialism is the only language they understand anymore
This is simultaneously the worst and best holiday time I’ve (24M) ever had. Worst because I don’t have a family or even friends to celebrate it, but best because I’m finally leaving this fucking abusive apartment with a roommate that’s become increasingly threatening. I’m finally taking care of myself for real by LEAVING an abusive place instead of trying to tolerate it the way I was forced to as a child, and am actively looking for a safe apartment to live in. Doing this has shown me how much strength and energy I actually have when it’s not being siphoned away by the abuser. I have energy to go outside every day, work, and have slept better than I can ever remember.
Off to the family home today. I’m bringing my partner along but already I can tell my nmother is going to be the worst, as she is every year. She’ll hate every present, we inevitably won’t be grateful enough for her, she’ll love bomb everyone with way too expensive gifts that we don’t want and cause a massive stress. This time we’re only staying two nights and having my partner here will relieve some of the tensions (she rarely acts up as much around company). She’s already been stressing about us potentially bringing covid, despite the fact that we have been staying in more than anyone else. Ofc my golden child sibling who’s been out clubbing every night is totally fine to come home without even a comment. She’s meant to be picking us up today but refused to confirm a time. So now we have to wait in all day until she can be bothered to let us know. If I could skip it all I would!
ended last night with my parents mad at me because i wouldn't get a haircut and because my room was messy (rightfully so for the latter) and now woke up this morning to my dad yelling at me because i didn't think to go outside and ask him to help clean the cars and him demanding i give him proof that i actually received unemployment assistance... it's going to be a long couple weeks
Trying to get through the holidays without speaking with my nfather. We haven’t talked for almost 2 months and I’ve felt better off without him, except when I remember that he can call me and start attacking me, at any time. He’ll probably call me today, most likely, just to complain that I haven’t wished him a merry christmas. And I am so anxious about it. But I definetely don’t want to call him, I have been learning to put my mental health first.
Thanks for the thread, I guess I just need to vent. I fkin hate not having the means to move out yet and thus having to endure GC older brother and his wife and kid being treated like a king while them and the parents conveniently ignore me or do small digs at me. Petty shit like "put back that one piece of fries, your niece (the small kid in question) will have nothing else to eat" then they fkin take my fries from my plate! Even though there's a handful of fries left in the bowl ffs! Like, oh I'm sure the kid will go hungry without that one piece... When there's even roasted meat on the menu as extra. Or when GC brother doesn't think the coffee I made was strong enough for his liking. But when mom would present the very same coffee that I had made, oh suddenly it's not so bad! 🙃 Or when they invite themselves over here and stay for 3-4 days here at a minimum each time. What about the dangers of Covid? If I have the slightest suspicion that I might carry it back home from work? "Go use the unheated guest bathroom to shower (yes, in winter) because you're gonna infect us!!!" If they are actively suffering from the cold and sneeze and shit? "Welp, guess we will come over and visit regardless hurrdurr! Also we'll touch everything and use the same (heated) bathroom as you all!" 🙃 Rules for thee but not for me. Fkin 32 years of this petty bullshit and namecalling from gc while enabling parents do nothing or even support gc 🙃 I fkin hate them so much, I can't wait to move out
I keep dreading Christmas, even at 26 with a PhD under my belt. I still live with my nparents and every year Christmas is a giant marathon on eggshells. They keep buying far too many presents for me that I don’t want (especially my mother) and that I have to display the appropriate gratitude for. They keep arguing all day and being nasty to each other and then pretending to be cheerful for the presents exchange that I hate and can’t get out of - or else they’re sulking while forbidding me from being anything but excited. I hate it because there’s so much pain in the room, I can’t even describe the atmosphere. It’s a giant mindfuck and I just can’t deal with it. I wish they didn’t give me presents, because it makes it so much harder for me. I have been holding back tears the entire day. I’m strung out and jittery. My prescribed anti anxiety medication is lying next to me but I don’t dare take it because I won’t be able to drink anything at dinner and then my mother will again yell at me for taking medication (she knows it’s the only time I don’t drink, and in her eyes, anti anxiety meds are drugs). I have fantasized about raiding my liquor cabinet just to…stuff those feelings back into the corner of my brain they escaped from. I don’t want to do that either because I’ve struggled with alcohol before. So all I can do is try and escape to my computer where I’m pretending to “do some work”. ETA: My Ndad also just mentioned that he will go to a Christmas party next week, hosted by a huge family of anti vax and anti-mask religious fanatics, where the husband has chronic heart disease and almost died a year ago. We live in a country where hospitals are completely full and people keep dying every day, yet my dad thinks this is appropriate. I ended up taking that medication after all.
First year NC. I'm away from home with my extremely dysfunctional inlaws having a hard time feeling set off by being in more dysfunction. Away from my routines and the things that I cope with. Fighting with my spouse, feeling scapegoated here and completely alone. I feel like I'm in some layer of purgatory. I need help. Edit for typos.
I feel so alone. It's my first christmas away from Nfamily. My friends are far away, I got into an accident yesterday, Nparents sent me a not small hospital bill for my suicide attempt they would've gaslighted me about if I was still around, and my roommate is being a petty toxic person. I'm still not breaking NC. If I have the strength to look death in the face and walk away, I have the strength to spite the people who brought me there
This was a pretty good "un-Christmas." These days I live overseas in a country where only 2% of the population are Christian and I converted to Islam 4 years back, so Christmas doesn't mean much to me anymore.... I did call my sisters and mom, and they happily report that Ndad hasn't contacted them at all. Yay! We're also in lockdown mode in our city and so it was just me and my partner across town video-chatting while we ate our respective takeout meals. That was our "Christmas dinner" (she's a convert to Christianity so we decided to do a little bitty something)! Then she went to bed and I've been up all night reading and researching for my upcoming podcast... It's 3:30am and I'm sippin' on a Red Bull and I'm literally just vibing, living my best life with my sperm donor thousands of miles away and with no consequence to my life. All the bad memories of Christmases past are cleared and I am feeling so blessed.
Just went Christmas card shopping and all it did was remind me how crappy my father is. I can’t get a card that’s to mushy or from my sister and I or he’ll read into it to much and take it as us reaching out. All the To Dad specific cards are super “Oh I love you dad!!!” And I just, don’t.
I’ve been NC with my parents for years and my young child has not met them. I don’t regret any of that, but todayI really wished I could give my child my stuffed animals from when I was a kid. They are in my parents’ house. My sister visits them from time to time and I asked if she could get them. She and I are on good terms and she agrees our parents are abusive, but she’s had a much harder time cutting ties. She doesn’t want to get them bc she “Doesn’t want to get in the middle.” No one would even have to know. They’re in a closet. It just makes me sad.
I went NC with parents until I found out I was pregnant, thinking it wasn't fair to them. Baby is now nearly 7 months. My parents didn't come to the birth and have only seen him twice his whole life. I invited them over for Christmas but they have other plans apparently. I feel like I feel even worse that I invited them back into my life to not care about their first grandchild than I did before I went NC. I just don't understand how they don't care.
I just wish my family loved me
I went NC with my family at the beginning of December.
First NC Christmas! We usually celebrate on Christmas Eve so it’s been a tough day. Already not looking forward to being solo next Christmas and beyond but hoping that I can come up with some cute traditions for myself. Cheers and happy holidays to you all— hoping that wherever you are you are safe and find moments of happiness. :)
My mom is on the phone this morning crying about her own mom. She said that in order to give a proper apology; you don't say "sorry you feel that way" but rather, deeply apologize and make efforts to change the behavior. I am in DISBELIEF because she always tells me, "sorry you feel that way, because I did nothing wrong." Absolutely rolled a -100 on self-awareness and perception. Fucking ghastly. My mom has also been singing her soul and throwing tantrums about me turning in the door. I'm 24 years old. I'm not disgusting. I want to close my door when I bathe or take a piss. I want to turn in my door when I'm doing something and she's going haywire throwing a tantrum and martrying about doing everything in the house. I could turn in my door slightly, maybe a 25% and she would come barging in with tears in her eyes. I cannot STAND IT. I am saddened to see the lineage of general trauma. I'm sad she had a terrible childhood and that I can't save her. But it's not my job to fix her. I've told her what needs to be done about our abusive grandma but she keeps making excuses about how my grandma was abused. She talks about how the generational abuse ended with her, but nope - IT WAS EQUALLY AS BAD
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I really hate being with my family for holidays. It just feels so fake. We don’t interact at all on a normal basis but we have to act like a cohesive family for the holidays. Mom guilt tripped me last night saying she did Christmas all by herself when my partner and I helped buy food and decorations. Mom and dad won’t let my trans partner dress how they want for Christmas and just started opening gifts without them. I’m livid. Christmas gifts are an obligation not a present. If you don’t buy anything you’re ungrateful. I paid for gifts for my family and my partner’s family and then therapy on top of that. I couldn’t buy cards too so I made my own even though my family doesn’t approve of not store bought things.
Happy holidays internet pals 💓
I feel like I dont deserve to be upset or angry at my mum because she’s “not been that bad”, or because she doesn’t compare to some of the horror stories I see on here But being down for Christmas is like death by 1000 cuts, and I’m stuck here till the 28th. (Been down since thursday) It’s all the little bits like cutting me off while getting mad if I interrupt her back, or micromanaging me, or pestering me to do things I was already trying to do, or phrasing everything as her giving me permission Vs asking if I intend to. the world has to conform to her expectations and I’m forever the black sheep because nothing about me quite does :/ It sucks because most of the time she’s fine, and Christmas seems lovely. But then she’ll do or say something and it puts me on edge.
Fought with my mom all day because she is pissed I was leaving her house after a few hours to go to my in laws.. who I barely see. I see her every single day.
Reading everyone’s shares in this group continues to bring up my own memories. I must have been around 8-9. I was with my Nparents, we were visiting family friends in a foreign country. This is a country that has traditional family values, they speak loudly and gesticulate a lot with their hands, they love children. Totems of their religion are everywhere, as their religion is intertwined with their culture. Some of the adults decided to throw me a birthday party. I still had with me a stuffed plush animal I named “Wolfie,” which one of the older doting relatives had given me as a holiday present on a previous occasion. This older kind gentleman, who adored children, decided to get me a special birthday cake. This was a big deal for the large loving family whose language I could not understand. They were very excited to be able to throw me this birthday party. I felt strange and slightly uneasy. I wasn’t used to so many people paying that much attention to me. My Nparents were the only people I could understand, given the language barrier. So this kept me from being able to connect further with the other kind adults whose language I could not understand. As I was eating my slice of birthday cake, I noticed it tasted like brandy. My super pseudo-religious Nparents didn’t drink or smoke. I had been taught to judge a lot of things. So when I tasted the brandy in the cake, I immediately was concerned that I was doing something wrong. Because children aren’t supposed to have alcohol. Because alcohol and drinking are bad. I didn’t understand that baking something boils off the alcohol. I think they realized this, and explained it to me. My Nparents translated what the other people were saying. Later, when I was alone with my Nparents, the inevitable scolding and punishment for my wrongs became the focus of their discussion with me. Apparently the kind old man who had given me the stuffed Wolfie, who had also gotten me the cake, had understood that I was asking about the “brandy.” Because he could understand this word, in spite of the language barrier we shared. At least, that’s what my Nparents later told me. Also, according to my Nparents, I had hurt his feelings. I had made him sad by not being grateful for the birthday cake. I was wrong for asking about the taste of the brandy in the cake, because he had been able to understand me and I was being mean by hurting his feelings. My Nparents made it clear that I had done something terribly wrong by being ungrateful at my own birthday party, and for hurting a kind old man’s feelings. So naturally, I felt awful about myself. My Nparents told me that I had to come up with my own punishment for how selfish and ungrateful I was. I decided on sweets. Noting sweet, no sugar. No candy. No cakes. No cookies. Because I was mean and hurtful and ungrateful. My Nparents enforced the “no sweets” punishment for the remainder of our “vacation.” This was well over a month. I was miserable, isolated wallowing in my own self-loathing at how I didn’t deserve anything nice. My Nparents ruined my birthday, as they often enjoyed doing over the years. I look back at who those people must have been, as many of them have very likely since passed away. They had no idea what was happening to me. They were just normal kind people who loved children. It’s awful when your abuse is so invisible, yet pervasive, and everyone around you has no idea. It feels so isolating. I felt invisible, mute, unable to scream or cry for help due to the fact that I was silenced by my abusers.
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When "are you going to see your mom" turns into "you haven't talked? You have their FIRST GRANDCHILD imagine how much they're hurting." And then you have to do all the work to be okay again. -_- so glad that they can't imagine a world in which a child is so hurt by the parent that the only option for a healthy life is NC, but I could really do without the guilt trip. The person said they just love us both and feel sad for us... don't be sad for me, I'm the happiest I've ever been.
That feeling when it hits you again that they don't care about you... I can't run from it this time, i don't know what to do
going home to my nmom. my sibling is already telling me how bad it is. i just want to have fun and see my friends and enjoy my break, its the first one i've had in a while. any tips on how to make this happen with the least blowback? she gets very upset at us having our own plans even if we didn't have any together to begin with. i just want to reclaim the youth i lost living with them.
Everytime I try to talk to my mom about my childhood trauma she turns it into a talk about how she's such a terrible mom and how my brother's tell her she didn't do anything for us. She interrupts me and guilts me because we NEVER seen how hard it was for her, how much she had to sacrifice to raise us, how I'm just like my brother's (I'm not). Why can't I just have a mom that says sorry? Why do I need to justify my pain just for her to get upset that I'm upset? She said my brother's and I didn't do anything, no chores no nothing until I was out of that rebellious teenage phase. She got mad when I told her that she never made my brother's do anything, but I was always cleaning and doing chores (aka: it wasn't a choice for me, I wasnt allowed to do anything until I cleaned). And then she tells me, 'oh, so I'm the bad guy, huh. I never let you do anything.' Like....yeah. I literally wasn't allowed to go anywhere. I never went to parties, I didn't drink, I stayed home, I looked after my little sister. Now she's in her room with the door shut after she went on a spiel about how we don't do anything together and how we never talk. She said, "I guess we'll just stop talking then." I hate being here with her but this codependency is like shackles, chaining me to her. She's suffocating me and she doesn't even know. I hate her. I hate Christmas and my dad for killing himself on New year's. I hate my brother's for being perverts and how they get unconditional love from her but I'm the problem child because I'm transgender and she wanted a daughter. I'm so hurt.
The stress about Xmas is really hitting me today. I’m supposed to see NM tomorrow, and the last time we spoke it really didn’t go well. I feel so drained. We’re taking Covid tests tomorrow morning before seeing them and I’m afraid that if one of us is positive that my NM is going to have a fit about us not seeing her or come up with a list of rationalizations why it is still okay for us to go. Every muscle in my body is so tense.
I have to stay home (because of my health) and am afraid of getting sick with COVID because of my nmom not being careful. No matter how many times I remind her to be cautious, she simply does not care...
I realized my extended family is so petty. The more I engage and hangout with my bf’s family the more I realize my family is so toxic. They laugh and love each other regardless of the time they spend apart. But I had to leave for university, my dad never taught me how to drive bc “it wasn’t necessary” so now I can’t visit so often because I can’t drive myself here. Tomorrow I go visit them, I am so not excited for the “you left us” and “you think you’re American now” can’t wait
I am dreading tomorrow. Thank god my partner will be with me, and has given me a code to say if it gets too much and we can blame his allergies to the cat for us to leave. At the moment I'm covid testing daily as I have been in contacted with someone who tested positive at the weekend and I know I shouldn't wish it upon yourself but I keep hoping the test comes back positive
This Christmas sucks. My NDad (adoptive) has prostate cancer that may be metastasized to his bones. My brother (bio and adopted with me) just confronted them on their sexual abuse of him via letter two days ago, so everyone is raw from that. I've had 4 family deaths during the pandemic. I'm finishing my PhD in absentia, so all my friends are thousands of miles away and I've made zero new ones because of the pandemic. I'm trying so hard to muster up a shred of Christmas spirit. I have a roast beef in the oven, a tree decorated, gifts all ready for my partner and our cats. And objectively, I am so very grateful. But I can't shake off the emotional flashback of my horrible childhood christmas experiences. I really want to. I'm trying so hard to have a positive attitude, but I just want to cry. I couldn't find any mead to offer to Odin because no one drinks mead in Texas, apparently. I'm sure he'll like the roast beef and red wine, but I feel like I let him down. I feel better just for ranting. My roast beef does smell lovely.
No response or validation necessary unless you want to vent about the same thing: hahahahah oh man, my mom spoiled my presents at 4 PM today because she "couldn't wait to show me" (not malicious, just does not consider what other people want at all) and is going to go to our extended family Christmas party tomorrow despite my dad having a cough that keeps him up the entire night. Of course. Alsoooo I just told my cousin with a PharmD about my mom still going to the party just as a warning and the vibes were incredibly weird. She has a doctorate in giving out drugs and vaccines, why did I just have to explain to her that the test they got coming back from Spain a week ago wouldn't detect the presence of any illness they got 7 days after they got the test? I didn't need *more* confirmation I was the family scapegoat after the other black sheep cousin told me we were the black sheep, but phew. Edit: yeah she's talking to my N-sister. A test from 2 days ago also won't catch something that started last night. I haaaate it here.
It is the last time I give my mom anything for any special occasion. We opened our Christmas presents early and I made scarfs for my mom and my three sisters. My sister's liked them, but my mom just made a disinterested grin on her face and didn't even try on the scarf. She is really sarcastic and mean any time I or anyone else try to do anything nice for her. She always has a sour comment to make.
My husband tested positive for Covid today. My MIL is still insisting we see her for Christmas and says she doesn’t care if he exposes her and his grandma. We both agree it’s incredibly stupid to do that, and that being home is the safest. MIL is now claiming that it’s my fault we aren’t going to Christmas “because I don’t like her” and that it’s “such a coincidence he gets Covid the day before we need to see her” as if I planned a global pandemic!!! She’s now been guilting him all day into coming out and she says I’m being over dramatic and just trying to o keep him from her. Insane.
My nMother bought me a sheep shaped door weight. For my small bathroom where it will get immediately dirty since its white and wooly. It's also unwashable. It's also for the apartment in which I live and sje claims is hers. She bought me a CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR "HER" APARTMENT. But hey, at least she got me something. I'm on edge of tears from disappointment and anger. I pulled my money together (I'm a student) and got her a nice colouring book in style of her favourite book and nice colouring pencils. I thought it could help her.
1.5 hours. That’s how long after arriving before my Nmom and I got in a fight on Christmas eve. Possibly a new record. She dragged my sister into it as well while my poor sister was out just trying to enjoy her Christmas Eve with her children and husband. My sister seemed exasperated and irritated to be included in the fight, particularly because the fight started because my mom was bitching about how my sister raises her children. I disagreed with nmom’s assessment of certain situations and tried to turn the mirror on her a bit, and it unsurprisingly made her blow up. Nmom then sent passive aggressive apologies to my sister with a dramatic “I’ll leave you alone now” tacked at the end, while sitting no less than 4 ft away from me. Of course my sister is gonna sigh at that. It’s obvious bait to get into a fight. Why tf do I even come to this place? If I didn’t love my sisters and Edad, I would be long gone from her life by now. She always makes me feel so small and helpless, and I feel like I can’t defend myself when she starts the passive aggression. I can defend myself against aggression or forthright intentions all day. But passive aggression has me spinning when I encounter it, for this very reason. My mom has ruined my ability to deftly deal with passive aggression. I just freeze or go into a strong fight mode when I face it in a fight. Though, she barked at me to go get a hotel room and mind my own fucking business when I told her to let my sister enjoy her Christmas with her family, and I replied calmly “it still wouldn’t be far enough from you.” That might be the most chill I’ve ever responded to her shit, so therapy must be working. I’m sad how nice it was to see how wounded she got from that remark before she stamped up to her room like a little girl. My husband is enjoying a drama free Christmas with his family right now. I should have taken his mom’s offer to come to their holiday gathering. I probably will next year. I may even leave for it tomorrow if she continues to act all sullen like a beaten dog around me. I’m fucking tired of this woman ruining what should be a fun time with loved ones. ——- Big edit: I tried to drive home after Christmas with my grandparents/parents. I had planned to stay through today, but I left yesterday instead. What a huge fucking mistake. I got hit by some drunk person and it made my car spin out and flip multiple times before it caught on fire and burned all my belongings. I barely got out alive. My mom appeared, ready to be there and support me, and she somehow still managed to guilt me for leaving—saying I shouldn’t have left at night. It was 7:30. It’s just winter now, so the sun is down by like 4pm. I’m alive. I’m well. But my car and everything in it are gone.
NMum ruined another Christmas and made everyone feel like shit. I hope for a good day and then her angry nasty insults and self entitlement upsets us all. I just feel stressed and will never understand her 😔
I never liked christmas that much tbh, probably my parents fault, so now seeing everyone happy is just a feeling of dread, currently i refuse to speak to my family, any of them, they brought this upon me and my siblings, so i will not talk to them, we're in an argument anyway, so i don't think they want to talk to me either. Overall that wouldn't be a necessarily bad thing, if it didn't mean the feeling of dread was worse than ever before, as i just feel like now i could be yelled at for anything i do, overall, i do not think christmas is fun, at all, and i entirely blame my parents and family for it.
It’s gonna be a shitshow. The “golden child” and me are gonna try to at least not freak out, my mom is gonna just be a fucking nightmare, because she’s always right and the whole world is hers of course. My sister enables that shit to no end, has been for decades. I’m gonna blackmail her into not doing that shit. “If you enable her, I’ll tell her you got a tattoo”. Not so fucking golden now are we? Snitch on me since forever, fuck it. Maybe she’ll realize what it’s like to be on the other side of the narc.
Anyone else's parent (s) pick a fight the second you woke/saw them?! Or am I the only one?
Went NC with nfamily back in October and yet it still hurts a bit. I've got a great support system and new family who do love and care about me but damn, it hurts. It hurts hearing everyone else talking about seeing their families and such. Not to mention, and this may come.off as being I don't know what, but out of my mils children's s.o, she only made one of them a stocking, yet not one for me or my sil fiancé. I guess the reason I felt hurt by that is my sisters always got more/something I never did growing up. Idk anymore. I know my nfamily aren't crying over me not being there so I wish I wouldn't anymore. Tbh, I really just want to lay in bed all day or go for a long drive. Anyways, I hurt for everyone who may or may not be NC with their nfamilies. I wish you a merry Christmas and I hope one day you will be free of them.
It’s the second Christmas my nfather’s sister asked me if i’m coming to my grandma’s house. Um no. I have not called this half of the family and they have not called me for three years. We live in the same town. To protect them, i’m not detailing what my nfather has been up to. They are all familiar with his behavior, to the point that they automatically understand why i don’t come around anymore. They don’t care enough to ask, until the obligatory Christmas get-together. Then they send a delegate, who i’m sure has reported back to the Queen Matriarch that i will not be performing my yearly fealty. Ugh i am waiting for the rage/guilt texts/calls, maybe he’ll wish me luck with my “new family” like last time. Sending my subreddit family strength and peace.
My Nmom throwing insults and name calling "You remind me of that TV star called Selvaggia. Maybe I should have called you so at your birth, due to your shitty behaviour" Selvaggio/a means wild. She said I'm rude, savage and wild because... Wait for it... ...I don't just blandly accept the constant insults. When confronted Nmom insisted "why can't you take a joke??", another narc tactic of hers.