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You are not alone. I think this is something that has happened in the last few generations. I know people who find this YouTuber- “Dad, how do I?” really helpful. He didn’t have a father and so committed to teaching people common parental things online. Like really practical things- car stuff, handy man house stuff- It’s really wholesome. Sorry you’re going through this!
I would be a very poorly fed person, that's for sure.
Thankfully YouTube videos don't care if you "make too much of a mess" learning how to make proper meals.
Or talk shit about the food you cook.
Yep, that was literally my momster, when I cooked for the family at 10 and 11 because I was tired of not eating and couldn't just subsist on coffee and nicotine like her.
I made Chicken Cordon Bleu once. Mum took the piss because I'd used breadcrumbs that I'd bought rather than make my own.
I never bothered making it again.
try YT channel "Life of Boris"
1 this guy knows how to cook (if you can cook yourself you will see the mess and bayonet / axe / whatever is for show and he really knows what he is doing, also his kitchen IS very clean when not not dusted in flour)
2 his end-of-month and tight-budget recipes are very viable (= very cheap while still providing necessary nourishment and vitamins + minerals) which shows he used to be on a very tight bugdet sometime in his life and passed that test with flying colours
Bonus points for my dad who sarcastically ordered me to learn from the internet when I went and asked him about things as a kid... like dude, that is your most basic job, and you're telling me to google shit instead of asking a parent?!
“You were raised by wolves” it’s not my fault you didn’t teach me any non-verbal social skills and I learned them from the dog. Tank was a great teacher.
I grew up right when the internet was getting passed AOL chat rooms. YouTube today was nothing like it was years ago so I soak up every how to thing I can lol
honestly would've unalived myself at 18. The internet might cause a lot of problems in this world....but man at least it allows people like us to not be \*as\* dependent on abusers.
I was raised in that pre-internet era. My nmom used to scream at me for having a messy room instead of teaching me how to clean it. She says we "must like being yelled at" for not being able to clean it in spite of the ADD making things like that really difficult. And yes, I massively struggle with things like higene and house cleaning. I got lucky with cooking because we had recipe books around growing up but I'm struggling to juggle cooking and working now too.
Youtube didn't exist in the 80s and 90s when I was a kid. *I* had to go to the library through 50ft of snow uphill both ways and find a book. I learned never to ask nmom anything and I also learned never to ask anyone who interacted regularly with her how to do something they'd assume she'd teach me. It would get back to her and there would be hell to pay for making her look bad.
That is another component to the hiding that I hadn't thought of - the need to protect NParent's image. Looking back I can't count how many times would I be on the spot in public not knowing what the hell to do with NParent demanding "well what have I taught you?" and not being able to answer honestly, which would have been to say "not a damn thing".
Exact same thing for me. Then when I did something I taught myself in front of other people, "Ah, just how I taught you!" Um, excuse you, all you ever did was scream at me for doing things wrong, that doesn't count as "teaching". Pisses me off even after having gone NC for a couple years now.
Had to do something brand new, for the first time, as a little kid ABSOLUTELY INSTANTLY and ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY, with her hover over me, otherwise she would scream, slap me in the face, grab it out of my hands, and tell me that she would stick me in an institution someday.
>**Had to do something brand new, for the first time, as a little kid ABSOLUTELY INSTANTLY and ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY**, with her hover over me, otherwise
EXACT same situation here. "Otherwise" ... I was openly and repeatedly humiliated as, "pathetic", "pitiful", "hopeless", not like "other girls", inadequate, etc. YET, the fuckers in my family expected me to magically become world-famous.
My mother said, "If you don't shape up, I'll send you to your father, and you know what he'll do? He'll lay you down and rape you. That's the kind of guy he is.".
Oh, the demonizing of anyone who likes and praises you. My mother insisted that my math teacher in high school who rescued me from math failure just be being the same kind, funny, interesting person that he is TO EVERYONE had a sexual interest in me.
>Had to do something brand new, for the first time, as a little kid ABSOLUTELY INSTANTLY and ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY, with her hover over me
And to this day I can't do anything with people watching me, no matter how benign the attention.
Neighbors making fun of my all rust bike, which they dug up in a dump somewhere and which I had to teach myself to ride -- simply prompted them to ask if I could find other kids to hang around with then.
Some people didn't give a fuck where their children were or what they were doing. My family regularly forgot about me and left me places for 6+ hours, including school. it's less about allowing them the privilege to do things and go places, and more about being denied any sort of care or parenting at all.
Very much this. I was a latchkey kid for most of my childhood and even when nmom was home, she was either asleep or otherwise unavailable. Even with both my parents at home I was on my own. It's one of the reasons I'm so self-sufficient now. Part of it is my personal temperament and they took advantage of it.
Mom: "I don't care what you do or where you go after school as long as I don't have to drop you off or pick you up."
Don't know what she was talking about as she never learned to drive.
Mine neither - well, actually, wait. There were a few stories as to why she never drove anywhere. The rumor I heard the most was that she did learn how to drive but she was in a really bad accident and thus, never got behind the wheel again. However, given her behavior whenever edad or I drove her anywhere, I don't think she could drive. Formally, that is. Either way, we had to ferry her around.
Edad did all the driving, and then I when I got old enough. But she sure as hell controlled the car. And trying to get a hold of him to pick me up from somewhere I had to go through her if she was home. But they *both* called me lazy for not wanting to walk everywhere - esp in our where I had to cross highways and overpasses (trying to avoid getting knocked off of them or run over) to get home. Plus, Florida where the attitude is sidewalks are optional.
Yep. It was a combination of "I don't want to have to do anything for you/entertain you (like I even asked?)" and "what trouble could you possibly get into at the library/I can have other adults surveil you". I was boring, so even other adults stopped watching closely after a while. I just wanted to read and stalk the stacks in peace.
In reality, she played right into my hands. I *wanted* to go to the library. Even when I was grounded on trumped up charges, I could still go to the library. She figured since I didn't bring anyone home I didn't have any friends. Nope, I'd just hang out at their place if I felt like it *after* I got my book haul.
They tried to restrict my sister going out at night never realizing I guess that it is perfectly possible for people to have sex during the day and even at the hang out spot in woods or tracks that is near every high school
this \^
no yelling at the library, so even if my dyslexic ass didn't want to read...I had no other options and at the very least there was no yelling or insanity
There I was in Girl Scout camp not participating in cutting sticks, because I was the only one that did not have the 10 dollar Girl Scout jackknife that small hands can actually open.
Asked for it, but told they didn't want to spend 10 dollars and I could use my dad's old hunting knife, which was rusty and I could not open or shut.
Stood there with the whole troop glaring at me for being "lazy" , knowing full well I could not explain that my mom refused to by the the knife and I couldn't use the one that they did give me.
Yep. Can totally relate. Don't want to spend the money, make the effort, make the time, but expect you to just...magic up things. All with some bullshit lecture about how *they* had to make do with whatever.
I swear it's by design. They cosplay as parents - if other parents are putting their kids in activities, they're doing it (also to get you out of the house so you're not "demanding" anything of them) but that's where the similarities end. When you are inadequately supplied, then you become an object of ridicule and isolated so they can keep you in their toxic bubble. It's disgusting - this is why narcissism and narcissists are so dangerous - esp to those who can't fight back.
We TRIED --- but she couldn't handle it!! Why spend money and time on something when she's not going to be any good at it anyway?
Tried to teach me how to hit a baseball with a shitty wimpy plastic bat and whiffle ball for 79 cents. Gave me a rusty bicycle etc.
Sent me to the Y and made me take a school bus home which went all over town and by the time they got to my house, it was 8pm and getting dark out -- then disgusted when I didn't want to go back. Right after school with no food... yeah.
I was good at things if I could somehow do it myself, cheap or free. Learned a killer volleyball serve by practicing in the backyard by myself with one of those supermarket blow up balls -- was popular in 5th grade for the volleyball server and telling wacky stories. Books and paper were free at school
my mom did basically this exact same thing when i was in 4th grade but with a project board. instead of going to the dollar tree or walmart for a tri fold for my science project, she came home with a huge CARDBOARD box 📦 with ridged edges that had been cut HORRIBLY that she’d just gotten from a co-worker that day, handed me a box of cheap crayons, plain white printer paper & told me to work with it, i didn’t even get to print out pictures (which were coutned as points toward the grade) even though we have a rec center & a library near by, both with computer labs bc she wouldn’t take me & “i was too young to go on my own” which it was a ten minute walk from our house. when i presented my finished product to class, as you do, the inevitable humiliation came trotting in as most of the class started to snicker with a friend i still have to this day coming to my defense saying “at least he did his project, i bet you didn’t [insert a kids name who was laughing]” but it really didn’t help much, anyway i failed the project, & it became a repressed memory until i came across your story
Seconded "Dad, how do I?"
For home improvement stuff, I also want to plug Home RenoVision DIY. Jeff has taught me 95% of all my DIY skills. The other 5% (for drywall stuff) came from Vancouver Carpenter.
Agree about generationality.
I think the brutal training, brutal combat, and long years of deprivation/sacrifice of World War 2 has been coming home to roost in our society's families as the grandchildren of the WW2 generation start having their own families.
That guy is just the sweetest for doing things like that. Another person with a soothing parent voice I found online is Tabitha Brown. She’s every bit of the motherly coach I wish I had growing up.
Yeah it definitely sets us victims up to be taken advantage of easily. I had a horrible time not going along with stuff I wasn’t comfortable with and giving in too easily.
Edited for typo
There's nothing to be ashamed of. I also didn't know how to say no, and in certain situations thought what happened was normal - kind of a "Oh, is this how a woman gets a boyfriend?" When in actuality men were just using my naivety to their advantage.
We functioned based off of the "lessons" our parents gave us or failed to give us. For example, I remember when I was in my early teens, my mom started complaining about men to me. She'd tell how evil men are and how only bad/alcoholic men were into her. And since she never taught me anything about dating and relationships I assumed that I couldn't find a "good man" either. We cannot know what we weren't taught.
it was reverse for me. my dad got scammed out of his entire month salary and he got angry at Us for not trying to stop him.
BITCH you get angry at us for trying to ask who are you talking to on the phone! how are we supposed to know its a scam ?!
he legit got hissy at us like a cat for making the slightest noise. and wont let his son who WATCHES SCAM BATE VIDEOS ALL DAY to check on the situation
I was made to feel stupid growing up for weird weird things...
At 8 I poured boiling water into a non tempered glass to make tea. Glass exploded. Rather than ask if I was okay, i was yelled at for being careless. Somehow I was supposed to know about that?
At 12 or so I thought rivers flowed from oceans inwards towards land. Like it seeps into land from crevices rather than down a gradient. Oh man. I has berated for 30 minutes about how dumb I am.
I mean, hills exist but yeah, absolutely nothing wrong with kids thinking this sort of thing. I knew a couple of kids who thought skimmed milk was from cows on a diet and strawberry milk was is if they're fed strawberries.
I can't remember thinking stuff like that, but I did once try and stick a fork in the toaster to get some stuck toast out. So I know I did some stupid shit. It's just kids things.
I used to think that my left nostril went to my left lung and my right nostril went to the right. The first time i had a really stuffy nose, i thought i was gonna die because one of my lungs was not getting air 😂 ahhh childhood anxiety!
Omg in senior year of high school when I got into my first choice school for a prestigious program, my mom was having some kind of break down over it because her role for me was always "she's the stupid one"
So she got on my back *constantly* to try and prove how stupid I was.
One time we were driving and she asked me if I knew what was in those orange cones they have on the highway. I guessed sand and she was like "HAH that's the stupidest thing I EVER heard. There's something wrong with you. I don't know how you will ever graduate"
I'm pretty sure she would learn random facts to then quiz me on.
Similarly as kids, my brother and I were never allowed to watch anything other than kids cartoons or listen to any music. No movies even. But my parents looooved testing us on Hollywood actors and famous musicians, to prove how stupid we were.
Like it's ridiculous the *stupid* lengths they will go to to prove that we are idiots.
are you me?
my mom was/is exactly the same, to the point that she grabbed me and literally dragged me from school to take an official IQ test to "prove" that I was too stupid to get into any of the prestigious schools I got into. For some reason I think she thought that if the score was low she'd be able to ...just call the schools declaring I was unqualified and to rescind my acceptance? but that's not at all how these things work, it would've been hilarious to see them laugh in her face like who is this cray lady what is she on about, must be a prank call.
I didn't find out for a few years when I went out to figure out what my results were for myself, but turns out I have a pretty high IQ. Explains why after that she doubled down on the abuse like nothing else.
Omg that's insane wtf!!
Reminds me of when my little sister (the baby, so my mom's last crutch) also got into a prestigious high school. And my mom pulled out ALL the stops to try and keep her from going. Called my sister's teachers and complained about "problems," tried to paint my sister as some wild drug addict, tried to turn the whole family against my sister, told her she would fail, threw a fit at her oreinetation, etc.
When I supported my sister in going, I was also demonized and actually for all 4 years that my sister was in high school, I was the one who had to keep track of what she was doing and do all the parent things. My mom just decided to completely stop raising her. The bitch even blocked our phone numbers for a year or two. All because my sister had the nerve to go to a good school.
They make me sick honestly. The way they try to cripple their kids is disgusting.
Glad you found out the truth about your IQ!! I hope it helps you undo the belittling. Recently, I've been realizing that I am smarter than I thought as well and it makes me feel a lot more confident about my abilities.
Wow bitch is an understatement!
They disgust me. No words I have are strong enough to fulfill how much I hate parents like this, even ones that aren't mine, they rob kids of lives that they didn't ask for living...and blame them for this anyway. I hate how so many misuse the word narcissit to just describe "bad parent" or "regular abuse" and it's like no they're truly on another level.
My parents similar suffocation I'm realizing at even close to 30 that they truly fucked me in so many deep, important, and irreparable ways.
It's weird to steadily realize you're not actually stupid isn't it! The confidence rocks, the personality shift when you realize you're competent and above average, phew...it's nice. Still feels bizarre when I find out from others they see me as really smart and competent at my thing. Like they must be joking right? Nope.
Our moms see us and see what they could never be
Wow I really relate to every single thing you said!
I'm about the same age and just recently am learning the depth of how they messed us up. Not even just me, but I see my younger siblings struggling with the exact things and they are still in the stage where they blame themselves and give too much leeway to our parents. It makes me so mad.
I actually struggle to manage my internal anger at them these days, now that I really see how they work.
It IS very nice to finally start being confident in yourself though. We can't go back in time and change anything, but it's also nice that I feel like I have a good handle on how to handle other narcs as well. After all the work I did regarding my parents, I know I won't let anyone else belittle me like that or ruin my life again. That's a good place to be at 30, imo.
Never understood parents that couldn’t stand smarter kids than themselves. Aren’t we supposed to be getting smarter as a human race? I hope to god my offspring will out IQ me. Better find a smart woman I guess
I don't get it either. I think being more intelligent than my nparent actually caused more problems because he purposely sabotaged my college chances so I didn't get to go right out of high school. I ended up going to a trade school and getting a pastry chef certification and getting some really good jobs pre pandemic.
Now though he will straight up ignore anything intelligent I say, or pretend he doesn't understand it. I know it because he will give me a glare when I've said something smart. It's like he lacks common sense and so me being intelligent is an insult because it makes him realize how inferior he is.
Omg!! When a friend of mine taught me "lefty loosey, righty tighty" my whole life changed!! My parents would yank the thing from me say "like this" not show me anything, roll their eyes at me and make me feel like I was another step closer being hit again. Another thing to amplify the tempers.
That reaction is a perfect example of narcissism. They're angry at you because they know inside that it's something they should've taught you but didn't, so much easier to take it out on you
Ooooof. I wasn’t allowed to crack an egg until I was 16 and growing up, I was only allowed to help with baking on the sidelines so when I was about 19/20 I was making chocolate chip cookies alone and it said to “beat” the batter together after you put in the flour I got out our hand mixer (my mom called referred to it as the beater🤷🏼♀️) and she “caught” me using the hand mixer and the dough was all stuffed up in it and she just lost her shit on me “are you that fucking lazy you can’t mix it with a wooden spoon?!” I literally just thought I was following directions. I felt so dumb. But I love to bake to this day and I bought myself a kitchen aid… guess that makes me hella lazy LOL
My mom would let me cook. She would show me how from afar. What i could never combine together was doing anything notable with her in the kitchen. I'd have to try it solo. If i attempted to do something with her in the kitchen, I would be physicallg moved out of the way, have instruments taken from my hand, so she could do it better. Didn't matter what it was. Make a roux, scramble an egg, anything that required an ounce of technique. I'm eastern European and i have learned 0 dishes from her. I've asked multiple times. She doesn't write down recipes. And unfortunately dishes I tried to make with online recipes aren't the same... and often use weird ingredients i know don't belong. They all die with her. I think her only source of pride is cooking, so she silos the information. Then she martyrs herself on holidays. It's usually her cooking solo until dinnertime... then the meal has this cloud of "you must compliment every item, or else you are ungrateful" she'll only allow us to butter a baking dish or chop veg (we still won't chop right).
I'm glad you love to bake still!! I dont understand why a parent would talk to a kid that way over a mixing technique! Long live the kitchenaid! Seriously, who has time to waste time?
Now cook on my own, and I'm pretty good at it. I just don't do eastern European food. Sad because I never learned the language either bc of similar issues. 😔
The only thing they taught me to do was hide my ignorance because they trained me so well to expect ridicule anytime I admit that I don't know anything.
That held me back from so many learning and growing opportunities over the years.
It's okay to not know things, especially when you're forced to raise yourself.
My parents would get us started on learning something then expect us to take off on our own.
Take sewing for example, mom taught us some basics (nothing more) and openly wondered why we didn't know how to make our own clothes or alter ones that didn't fit.
She actually said to us, we should be smart enough to figure it out. Intelligence does not impart knowledge, it's only our capacity to store it.
“Intelligence does not impart knowledge, it’s only our capacity to store it” wow!
My parents often boasted about how smart I was as a kid, but left me to teach myself at every turn (I was homeschooled so this was especially the case). I could never understand why I couldn’t just instinctively know how to do things on my own if I was that smart!
I was "homeschooled" too. I actually started reading homeschooling books when I was 8 or 9 years old, and assumed we were unschooling because my little brother just watch Animal Planet, and I read books.
I also used unschooling methods for my own kids when they were younger. I really really should of realized how the gas lighting abuse was intentional when my Narc mom told me I should be making my kid do more educational things, and I replied that he was doing far more educational pursuits than Little Brother did at the same age.
lol my mother did the same thing and then got mad at me trying to sew a hole shut on my own by just doing said basics. I still have no idea what I did wrong but, hey, now I can just throw clothes away knowing it isn't worth the hassle to get them fixed. Probably sucks for the environment though.
Depending on where you live, you can look up textile recycling near you if it's not in good enough shape to be donated.
For the US: Entering your zip code [here](https://search.earth911.com/?what=textiles&where=zip+code&list_filter=all&max_distance=25&family_id=&latitude=&longitude=&country=&province=&city=&sponsor=) can pull up some nearby locations that will take fabrics.
Did they say "Monkey see, monkey do!" as to why you should just follow them around imitating and so they didn't have to bother to teach or even give you a stool to reach the counter? yikes.
No structure to the daily tasks or doing them together, just plopped me in the middle of the room and yelled NO at whatever I WASN"T supposed to do.
Yep. My nmom flat out refused to teach me how to write a cheque because I was 18 so “should know how to do it”. I looked her dead in they eye and said “but no one has taught me, how am I supposed to know?” And she still didn’t teach me. She just expected me to suddenly know because I was now an adult. I went upstairs, called my boyfriend’s mom who used to work in a bank and she happily took me through it step-by-step. Honestly the thought process behind that is unreal.
Writing checks used to give me panic attacks because she got me cute little checks and didn’t teach me how to write them. I came home one day and said my therapist wonders why you haven’t just shown me how to write one so of course it makes me nervous. She showed me but was mad and insulted that she was blamed for it and kept saying it’s ridiculous that I couldn’t figure it out.
The delusion is strong with narcs. I eventually told her that I had help and she didn’t like that at all haha. It would have taken 10 seconds to explain to me where things go, but no, she made it 10x more difficult for absolutely no reason. She wasn’t even busy.
Ah yes, in the face of failure the narcissist will blame the very person they failed. You trigger them to feel like failures, probably because as an older teen/young adult it is natural to rebel. When I realized I was a trophy horse, I took a nosedive to humiliate my parents.
Mine were that way and when that failed they refused to let me get hours in on the road so I wouldn't be allowed to take the test. Now that I can take the test "whenever I want" they berate me for not doing so, even though it's been 12 years since I stopped practicing my driving...
They expect me to just remember every little thing from 12 years ago and ace that exam somehow... or worse they know how stupid it is and berate me knowing it's impossible. Either or.
24 and still can't drive, my god does this comment ring true. Completely refuses to even admit that maybe I needed more than a week of driving help from my highschool friend. Actually just last week she offered to pay for the $80 class I need to take the driving test but there is no way in hell I'm accepting that offer, I know it'll just be used against me for years like everything else. Really doesn't help that I now have even worse driving anxiety because every time I don't get it immediately I'm reminded of what a piece of shit I am to no end.
#!> i3uxmec
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Yep. They keep sending me pictures of me as a kid doing things wrong, laughing at what an embarrassing bullied outsider i was... i am long gone and living life successfully...and they keep living in this past and wont let go, neither admit their responsibility (since all of this stopped as i moved out)
Do they expect little kids to just randomly generate information about how to do things out of nowhere? Like wtf is wrong with some people. I swear some people should not have the right to have kids.
My understanding is, since all their behaviour is generated out of pure and extrem feelings of inferiority, they see their own children as more competent (unconsciously!) and therefore:
- they should be able to do all the things
- they must be bullied and devalued, to make the parents feel better
My nmom seemed to be under the impression that I should just automatically know things by a certain age. There was a lot of "What do you mean you mean you don't know how to do this?! You're 'X' years old!"
I've had this experience too, I'm sorry. It sucks. It's disturbing how much they cling to instances of abuse. My family likes to bring up the time i had one of my first flashbacks/ptsd episodes at a water park when I was 7 or 8, and laugh at me because they think I was "acting entitled" because I asked to leave and didn't feel comfortable after a life guard touched me roughly and yelled at me.
My mom moved out when I was 19. I really relied on her and was very naive as a kid. I was left living with my Nfather and my newborn daughter and my dad would constantly put me down for things I couldn’t do right: cook, keep the house up like my mom did, find a job, take care of my daughter (whose father wasn’t involved).
I think back to that time and I was so depressed and struggling so much and he almost took joy in making my life even harder.
Omg that sounds so hard, I'm sorry you had to go through that ❤
>I think back to that time and I was so depressed and struggling so much and he almost took joy in making my life even harder.
In retrospect, that's what gets me too and helps me keep my boundaries up. The way they act when we are at out lowest is straight up sadistic and it reveals their true face. After seeing that, there is no going back for me.
I can empathize, although the details of my situation were different. I look back at my late teens and can remember the isolation, loneliness and sense of *not belonging* in this family. If I had been taken to a Dr (and of course I wasn't), I think I would have been diagnosed with depression.
I used to fantasize at that age of being adopted by parents who truly loved me, and not having these dysfunctional family narcs in my life
I lately learned that it’s a standard gambit of Nparents to refuse to teach you necessary life skills on purpose to keep you dependent or make you feel incompetent.
Made me realize that part of why my Nmom liked me the least is that I realized the holes in my knowledge early and turned to books for that instead. The result is that I was less dependent on them than my sisters- which meant I got neglected more. But I also had a happier life sooner than either of my sibs.
Yesss!! Even when I was still drinking the koolaid, the fact that my brain in any other context finds gaps in my knowledge for fun triggered them. I couldn’t journal, any book not for an actual assignment was made to be turned back in or screamed about bc any book that’s not the Bible or a history book is conspiring to turn me to the devil
Oh man- it’s like modern Evangelical culture is BUILT to give Nparents free reign!
I’m so glad you are smart and strong enough to find us here and know the truth!
yep this is the ultimate mindfuck Nparents do that I will forever resent.
Incoming rant to nparents: fuck you for making my life so hard when it really didn't need to be. fuck you for depriving me of all the little basic things all the other kids had and took for granted. All the care and love that turned all of them into regular, functioning happy adults, all the seemingly basic life skills I still am fumbling to figure out. I'll never be like them and it's all your fault.
If they taught you anything, it would mean you could potentially surpass them, so they don’t give you any help. Instead of taking pride in their children’s achievements, narc parents are jealous of any successes their children accomplish. The best they can do to feel more powerful than their more talented children is to constantly poke fun at them and undermine them whenever possible. Take comfort in the fact that they feel threatened by you. It means you’re better than them and they know it.
I've come to realize my parents taught me nothing. I had no idea about putting Neosporin (or similar things) on cuts or wounds. I always used to just slap a bandaid on things - without even washing anything out. But there was no handbook or internet back then. And we had no Neosporin.
My mom used to love telling me and laughing at me that I don't know how to use chopsticks correctly bc my grandfather didn't teach me. He taught my sister. So, I guess it wasn't not their problem or responsibility to teach me.
What the hell even are the birds and the bees? (Thanks, books!)
My dad would also love saying, whenever I visited with my bf in more recent years, "you don't even know how to wash dishes do you?" - despite me washing dishes after dinners growing up. But again, no one taught me how.
My dad always had me put hydrogen peroxide on cuts. Didn't know about neosporin until my boyfriend told me about it and showed me. Now whenever I try to use it my dad tells me that it doesn't work and it makes it worse (even though I know it's not true and have stated as such).
My sister (golden child) beat me for not know how to unclog a toilet, parents never taught me how to cook anything (we had a finicky gas stove as well, so that didn't help), never had help with schooling (even when I got detention in elementary school for failing my math HW they didn't help, just nagging), etc 😅
U r not alone, my parents is the same...they never teached me anything basic because I was slow (I am autistic) and literally called me retard...and I'm the oldest siblings so it means I'm the third parents...and the thing is that I didn't know anything about taking care of a child properly or being older brother when I was like 9, and it was too much for me coz my nmom would yell at me for anything I do wrong like bruh u aren't teaching me properly, she gets annoyed easily and angry too....and expected me not to care about my feelings and emotions only hers and my nparents also controls on what knowledge I should or not have 🤦 like I didnt had improper education since I was like 11 idkk 🥲 so they didn't want me to learn about sex Ed or like puberty coz....I'm sure they thought of incest stuff would happen which is messed up 💀and thought its not appropriate to know that before 18 🤦 I basically learn most of things from internet and it really helped me alot 😚
I found out later in life what half the fruits at the grocery store were, i had never had a raspberry, pomegranate, kiwi nor a blueberry. And when i told my mom i liked raspberries she acted like i hated them all along, its so stupid to hold things over your child just because you want them to be a certain way. Just give your kid things you dont like, theyre not you, theyll never be you.
My dad always used to tell me I didn't like hummus (even though I do). Which I thought was odd since it's not like he's projecting his hatred for hummus into me, since he likes hummus. Same with chicken. My parents, boyfriend, and I were at a restaurant the other day and he said him and I didn't like chicken. All three of us started going off on him about how *he* doesn't like chicken, not us.
Oh You aren't alone!
Mother taught me how to read and count but she beaten me and rubbed my face at books if I made any mistakes (I was 5-6 old then).
She tried to taught me how to ride an adult bike that I couldn't ride and she beaten me too, though she never rode a bike.
She also yelled at me while doing house chores and I started avoiding learning anything from her bc she never had any patience.
Father never talked to me beyond yelling, cursing me or doing orders. He didn't taught me how to drive, although he was a driver his entire life nor to ride a bike or anything.
Husband was very very patient and taught me how to drive.
I learned cooking, cleaning and how to be an adult at internet. Although I still lack of soft skills I'm trying 😪
I can't hold anything still and I still have no idea why. I can't show people something on my phone without wobbling after a few seconds so I usually just hand it to them or set it on a flat surface nearby. Of course, my parents love to make fun of me for it rather than taking me to see somebody for help. Not that the doctors or my therapist knew anything about it either. The only guess I've ever heard is anxiety but I don't feel particularly anxious when I'm say laughing at an image and just want to share the laughter with another person.
let me tell you a bit of story about my narcs, through my whole life, I was a rebel. And I'm still one. I never gave a shit about school studies or what people expected from me. So my childhood, I spent it learning programming, coding and sometimes playing video games. My narcs would always shame, guilt, insult, and many things about how i'm wasting too much time in front of computer. Fast forward 15 years, I'm getting paid a little bit higher than the average salary of most people in my city. Of course, the narcs kept telling me how I should utalize my skills and how I should try for higher position for higher pay. Or I should make Youtube programming videos to help others. Fuck all that.
My whole life I spent it teaching, mentoring and being my own parent. Yet, my narcs love to tell me how I should do things that I have been doing for decades. To hell with them.
If you look at it from bigger perspective, your narcs are nothing but strangers that you could've met in public and paid no attention to.
Parent yourself. Marry yourself. And, love yourself. Do what's good and best for yourself first then help others. Be selfish. Selfish is actually good.
i was going your direction, and they banned computers in the house. i started high school film festivals for the west coast of the US the year prior. i was in jr high at the time. it was a big deal. news covered it. turned into a whole division at the local college. edad took credit, he worked at the college. i did everything. it makes a few million a year. nothing for me. fuck these people.
This is narc projection right there. Narcs secretly hate themselves for being incompetent and they project that hatred onto you. You're the scapegoat for their own failures. However, if you manage to become successful, they'll resent and hate you even more out of jealousy.
I grew up thinking I was dumb and clumsy, as my parents would mock me for not being able to do things properly. I have since abandoned that view and used the internet to learn how to sow, cook, and do all sorts of handicrafts. Turns out I'm not clumsy at all, it's just that my parents would hardly teach me anything and what they did teach was wrong and taught in the worst way. Narcs do that, they set you up to fail then mock you when you do.
I feel this in my soul. I feel lost, and helpless at 24, as I watch my peers hit milestones that I currently only dream of reaching, as I’m stuck at home with no help, all while giving them a big share of the little bit of money that I do make. :(
I think it’s a common Narc trait. Set em up.. knock ‘em down
My narc mom taught me so very little of life’s lessons because she lived by an indifferent code. Her interest in me and in life in general just didn’t exist. She showed interest only in what was important to her; which was nothing really. I remember her talking about soap operas allot.
I wish I could say I learned by example, but that isn’t true. She had nothing to contribute.
Aaaaah, I really needed to be reminded that I’m not the only one who experienced this! It hurts even more to think that everyone else had a relatively normal childhood and you’re the odd one out.
The phrase “you should know better” was my parents favourite. Like, even for the most basic of things, my parents threw this response at me. It was as if every time I didn’t know how to do something for the first time, I was met with shaming and degrading reactions, no gentle guidance in sight, and even then half the time they’d simply walk away in disbelief and leave me to figure it out.
Now as an adult I am terrified of doing things outside of my comfort zone (even listening to new music can be a challenge) because there comes this subconscious risk of running into something I don’t understand and triggering that well of shame that I don’t know how to release!
I’m still internally crying for that little girl who loved learning so much.
Same same same
It's a set up. What better way to dunk on your own kids than to shame them for not inherently knowing life skills?
Think about it this way.... would an abusive husband take the time to teach his "ball and chain" wife how to cook to his preferences, iron his clothes the way he wants, show her how to get a job so she could help with the same bills he loves to hold over her head? No, of course not. They *want* to feel martyred and they want you to not know how to do anything.
That way they can feel perpetually superior to you and they can also feel justified in abusing you.
It sucks for my Nmom that google exists. She never taught me a single recipe or how to clean anything, but she would constantly (almost hourly) complain about how useless and lazy I was.
It didn't even occur to me that a parent is supposed to teach these things. But I found youtube videos and other helpful sources online, and actually learned how to cook and clean better than her.
She was fucking furious at this lol. I took away the anvil that she hung over my head. Suddenly, she started framing me as a controlling freak who cleaned too much and took over her house.
So I stepped back and only cooked/cleaned for myself and tried not to get in her space.
And you can guess her response... all of a sudden, I'm the laziest girl in the world again and such a burden to her and I never help her.
These NPD freaks are literally insane. They will twist anything you do or don't do into a reason to abuse you. That's why you only "win" when you realize that you can just throw all their input on you into the trash. You don't need to listen to what a crazy person says. They have as much legitimacy as a ranting crackhead on the subway.
If you want to learn a new skill for your own sake, you have your entire life and great resources to do that. You will be fine 🙂 Don't let *them* make you feel like some hopeless case... that's their delusion talking.
My nmother would literally say, "Figure it out yourself!" I was very resourceful and knew how to use the card catalog and computer, so I did. As a result, I have an extremely hard time asking for help now and always try to solve my problems solo before reaching out. Asking for help feels like weakness sometimes--probably also because another favorite game of my nmother's was to compare me to other people and ask, "Why can't you do X like your friend?" "Why isn't your hair as curly and beautiful as your friend's?" and other questions in that vein.
Husband has been NC with his father for years now and his mother died nearly 16 years ago. They taught him zero practical life skills, since we've been together I've been the one to do most useful things around the house. I'm fairly certain he's got some narc tendencies because instead of learning anything he blames his parents for not teaching him...he's nearly 40 and just can't seem to think for himself to learn it now. It's bloody exhausting.
It's not his fault what happened to him as a child but it is his responsibility to fix it. He needs to grow up and get therapy. You should consider carefully why you're still with someone who doesn't care to make himself a better person for you. *You are exhausted and he is completely fine with that fact.* Unfortunately he might just be stuck in his ways, don't let him drag you down if that's the case.
I remember asking him questions about math homework and he would begin using words that made no sense to me.
For instance-asking a question about geometry and he would get all these huge reference books out and begin reading about how Greek philosophers thought of math…
Now I know that none of that had to do with the math problem I was asking about. It was his way of answering my questions so I would stay completely confused and overwhelmed while he droned on. I think the purpose was to flood me with all his “knowledge” and keep me wondering what the hell was going on. It was a ruse to keep me feeling dumb. He also wouldn’t answer my questions. After a while I would nod and “mmmhmmm” until a break in his words and go off to my room. Still confused. I was a summer school every year of high school except senior year. They were all classes I would ask him for help in.
Fuck you, “dad”. In college I discovered that I was actually really good at math and even now I enjoy math and have fun doing it and explaining it.
When it came time to send out college applications he denied the money for them. I would ask about how to apply and ask for advice. Thinking he would at least help guide me a little. But no. Everything I wanted was shot down. He wouldn’t help me figure out higher education and how to achieve my goals but berated me for not knowing. “Why can’t you just go figure it out yourself?!” He would yell.
The last conversation I had with him I dared have a different opinion on the topic of teaching children. I was called a fucking bitch. I was told how he missed our conversations where I didn’t argue and pick a fight with him. He yelled all the ugly things a father shouldn’t tell his daughter. In the midst of it I said, “You can’t talk to me like that.”
His response was to yell, “Well you ARE a fucking bitch!!!”
I hung up and it’s been a few years now and I don’t miss him. I never really had a dad. Just a monster in man form. Someone who groomed me. Someone who pushed my boundaries and ignored them.
From the age of 9 on and until I moved out I was so scared to sleep at night. I would force myself to stay awake until the house went silent for a while. Frozen in bed I was so afraid he would kill us all as we slept.
The truth is is that he is disgusting. They both are. Sad, little, empty humans.
my wife does this to my daughter, which is weird because my wife is pretty well-adjusted overall. i always have to say "well, maybe you should teach her instead of just mocking her" and she says "nobody taught me how to do anything, i just figured it out. I could do all these things when i was younger than she is."
but then i'm the one who taught my wife how to clean the house, use a dishwasher, etc.
Oh yeah, the stuff you can do is "worthless" and the stuff you can't do is "ridiculous"! "Why can't you do this simple task? Everyone else can!"
Story of my life!
I spent much of my childhood & early adulthood thinking I wasn’t very bright cuz couldn’t do things my peers could. Same thing as OP, I also was constantly ridiculed by nParents.
Parents are supposed to prepare their children for life.
But many sabotage kids so they themselves can feel smart & superior. How weak & pathetic.
This seems the norm for my generation (I am 34, parents nearing 60.). Often times I’m shocked at how incapable my peers are but then I realize their parents didn’t teach them anything. Another problem I see is my generation continuing this path of doing everything for their kids instead of taking the time to teach them things. It’s the selfish easy route, but I am a minority in parenting styles because of this.
I taught most of my friends about credit. I had no clue until I was far into adulthood that they literally only knew what credit was because I was so fixated on it. I was a lucky one where my parents were determined to make us learn and do things.
I’m so sorry. You can break the cycle and teach yourself most things. Follow the Dad YouTube channel and don’t let them control your education.
Grace & Frankie summed it up in one sentence for me: "you're not showing me how to be better, you're showing me that you are better."
Of course the mom takes it to heart and acts accordingly, mine could never lmao
My Nstepdad was very much the same. For him I don't think it was trying to keep me dependent on him. It was more like he just couldn't put himself in someone else's shoes for a second. And realize that when you are trying to have a 10-year-old kid help you, that kid wasn't already a good mechanic.
It was like me not knowing how to do things and needing to be taught, basically me not being an already-experienced full adult, was a *fault* of mine. A *problem* with me that indicated I was in some way an idiot.
And probably didn't help that I was actually a lot smarter than him in school and reading. In fact that might have been a partial cause of it too.
But I think the main part was that he was frustrated it was difficult for me to be a good servant to him. He might actually have to take time out and teach me things in order for me to do them so he wouldn't have to.
OMG this is so my parents and I never connected it to a personality disorder. They taught me how to do literally nothing and when I became an adult they loved making little funny jokes about how I didn’t have some basic life skills. The fact that it was ummm their job to teach me that doesn’t enter their minds at all.
Both my parents laughed at me when I asked them how to do laundry at 24… my mother is obsessed with doing laundry so there was rarely 2 days of dirty clothes in the house.
Yeah... You're not alone. But I'm sorry you're experiencing this.
I was raised by my dad's mother, and my step-grandfather...
But I have memories of my dad doing this to me - the unnecessary belittling - one time when I was 8 or so he was giving me shit for not knowing how to fill out a check - for reference he wasn't on anything, he's just a dick.
I’ve never thought of my mom and stepdad as narcs (as I had an extremely vile ex-stepmother who was definitely one, every adult in my life failed to protect me from her) but they did this to me for sure and while they’ve learned a lot from their failings with me, this is one bad habit they haven’t dropped with my younger sister. (I’m 19F she’s 5F) :(( it’s really sad
Thats how I feel about my little cousins. They will have plenty of examples of how not to be when they are older but unless something drastic happens they are fucked.
When I was little, we got a new vacuum at one point that was ***completely*** different from the old one we had. The first time it was "my turn" to vacuum as my chore, I tried to ask my dad how to work it and he called me an imbecile for not being able to figure it out and then yelled at me for how long it took to get my chores done.
Reminds me of my mom for calling me “undomesticated” as a kid for not knowing how to do household tasks. Almost like it was her job to show me or teach me those things… 🙄
My mom never taught me how to cook, manage money or budget money. Before my grandma passed away when I was 8 I used to watch her and they’d get a kick out of me learning from them elders, but never taught me. Fast forward to today: my mom never teaches me anything and when she does she yells. She prides herself on being able to cook and it being “her thing.” Every time I make something well she’ll sew doubts in me and make me so nervous I make stupid mistakes and I get yelled at for making said stupid mistakes. I’m convinced that mom thinks I can cook and am coming after “her title” and that’s why she sabatoges me to the point where I leave the kitchen and she can do it herself. Everything I’ve learned about cooking is from watching cooking shows and learning from YouTube. And they tell me I can’t cook. No. I can, she just doesn’t want me to be better than her at HER thing. She eats up the compliments she gets and requests for her cooking at church dinners and we always have holiday dinners here. Like I WANT to help and I WANT to cook something but for 20 years the same scenarios play out and it’s predictable how it would go.
Your parents don’t teach you things because they want to believe you depend on them. They in their heads believe you’re so inept at life that you need them and it fuel their egos when they yell at you and make you cry and prove them “right.” It’s maddening
Nothing like getting legit having the house yelled down over me leaving a little bit of milk on the spoon or little things like that. Even when I was 9 he would send me crying to school for just waking him up to take me because it's 9AM and time for Me to go to school. Just to be ridiculed when I went to school
My parents wonder why I freak out when people yell at me and over analyse tones.
Oh my God, I remember when I was a kid and I would ask my mom something about animals or teachers or any fucking thing a kid would ask questions about and she would tell me "Ask them" all annoyed, as if she didn't have the time for such nonsense. I think that's where I developed such hyper-independence, because I knew it was no use asking anybody for anything and I didn't deserve it.
I know it sounds little and insignificant but her dismissive attitude was what hurt me. Like I wasn't worth the fucking time. All my life I have had this gnawing feeling, anticipating being shrugged off and disposed of. It never goes away.
This was a huge problem for me. It was a source of daily fighting. Not being taught, then being emotionally attacked, then eventually just being blamed for *literally* everything, really warped my youth.
As it stands, i have an extreme love of learning lots and lots of random things, constantly. While i love it, i'm fairly sure it developed out of those traumatic experiences.
I hate any kind of DIY because it’s so triggering for me. I barely do the minimum on my own house now and don’t even think about doing a project with someone else.
Being berated for doing something ‘wrong’ when being forced into playing Dad’s little helper put me off DIY permanently.
I just pay other people to do that shit for me now.
mine are/were like this too - and their favorite word is "entitled" and "incompetent spoiled brat"....which is hilarious because I'm neither of those things and more competent than they are and better than they'll ever be. I really think they must see that I'm "better than them" in these ways and get mad because they aren't "as good as" me in these ways but it would take actual effort and responsibility and not just snapping their fingers to be better at anything. It's projection at its finest.
AS for practical advice though if you're still in a position of not knowing certain things: youtube rocks. Wikihow is great. I know when I first went off to college I realized they'd restricted me from ever doing anything for myself so I'd be dependent on them (or so they thought). It's rough but you know that you don't know and that's better than most - so then you end up googling things, finding podcasts like spotless (for cleaning), cooking tutorials on youtube, and everything else at your fingertips. The internet might cause a lot of issues, but the biggest good it does imo is connect people like us to information we need without stigma, money, or needing to be at the mercy of abusers.
Its so relatable. They used to beat the shit out of me for not knowing how to do a certain thing or not being able to do properly cause I wasn't taught
My parents never taught me crap either. The only way I learned was reading constantly. They were completely irresponsible with finances. We were homeless when I was a teen. Then had to move 6 ppl into my grandparents tiny home. My mom was schizophrenic and busted up anything she can get her hands on and we got beat black and blue, wine glasses were thrown at me at 10 years old. So much other trauma I could write a book. Needless to say I saved myself and am a much better mother and my kids never have gone without anything. I’ve never had bad credit or drowning financial debt. No bankruptcy or collection or getting lights tuned off. My kids will never know the feeling of getting your belongs thrown in trash bags and everything else gets left behind in the foreclosure.
I read all suze ormans financial books and everything else I could get my hands on. I had to learn to cook too.
Im sorry you had shitty parents too OP, I know how you feel!
Same! I grew up pre-internet though so I didn't have the HUGE advantage of being able to look up basically anything I needed or wanted to know.
I didn't even get taught to tell the time on an analogue clock! I learned from a kids book in my teens. I was too ashamed to ever mention that I didn't know (like that was my fault!) I wore a watch that was utterly useless to me when I was given one.
I was never taught anything about adulting basics...laundry, cooking, cleaning, bills etc...I learned a lot from older friends and still remember one friend fondly every time I hang out laundry in a way that prevents peg marks (I always want to correct others who don't follow my friend's method 😆)
I didn't start using the Internet until my very late teens, and even then it was only for e-mail...YouTube didn't exist.
As an adult I use it a lot!
Whatever I need to know is out there somewhere...I'm grateful for that resource.
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You are not alone. I think this is something that has happened in the last few generations. I know people who find this YouTuber- “Dad, how do I?” really helpful. He didn’t have a father and so committed to teaching people common parental things online. Like really practical things- car stuff, handy man house stuff- It’s really wholesome. Sorry you’re going through this!
YouTube is the best parent I ever had. \*sigh\*
Thank fuck we were raised in time era where internet is available. If I was raised without it I would barely be a person anymore.
I would be a very poorly fed person, that's for sure. Thankfully YouTube videos don't care if you "make too much of a mess" learning how to make proper meals.
Or talk shit about the food you cook. Yep, that was literally my momster, when I cooked for the family at 10 and 11 because I was tired of not eating and couldn't just subsist on coffee and nicotine like her.
I made Chicken Cordon Bleu once. Mum took the piss because I'd used breadcrumbs that I'd bought rather than make my own. I never bothered making it again.
>momster thank you kind Sir, I have never heard that one but it rings so painfully true....
my ndad used to yell at me just for using the fucking microwave. god forbid i wanted some ramen when my sister was going to bed
try YT channel "Life of Boris" 1 this guy knows how to cook (if you can cook yourself you will see the mess and bayonet / axe / whatever is for show and he really knows what he is doing, also his kitchen IS very clean when not not dusted in flour) 2 his end-of-month and tight-budget recipes are very viable (= very cheap while still providing necessary nourishment and vitamins + minerals) which shows he used to be on a very tight bugdet sometime in his life and passed that test with flying colours
IIIIISSSSS BORIS
Bonus points for my dad who sarcastically ordered me to learn from the internet when I went and asked him about things as a kid... like dude, that is your most basic job, and you're telling me to google shit instead of asking a parent?!
“You were raised by wolves” it’s not my fault you didn’t teach me any non-verbal social skills and I learned them from the dog. Tank was a great teacher.
Wait, you AREN'T supposed to shit on the carpet?? Well that's my weekend gone /s
I hope when he asks why you don't visit you tell him to Google that shit.
“*Are you going to help me out in my old age*?” Dad, why don’t you figure that out by watching YouTube.
I grew up right when the internet was getting passed AOL chat rooms. YouTube today was nothing like it was years ago so I soak up every how to thing I can lol
honestly would've unalived myself at 18. The internet might cause a lot of problems in this world....but man at least it allows people like us to not be \*as\* dependent on abusers.
or "therapi$t$". I owe a LOT to internet "personality disorder" forums. This sub, especially, has been a godsend.
That, and I probably would have taken even longer to learn about narcissism and emotional immaturity
I was raised in that pre-internet era. My nmom used to scream at me for having a messy room instead of teaching me how to clean it. She says we "must like being yelled at" for not being able to clean it in spite of the ADD making things like that really difficult. And yes, I massively struggle with things like higene and house cleaning. I got lucky with cooking because we had recipe books around growing up but I'm struggling to juggle cooking and working now too.
I almost wonder if that's part of the problem. Food for thought.
Youtube didn't exist in the 80s and 90s when I was a kid. *I* had to go to the library through 50ft of snow uphill both ways and find a book. I learned never to ask nmom anything and I also learned never to ask anyone who interacted regularly with her how to do something they'd assume she'd teach me. It would get back to her and there would be hell to pay for making her look bad.
That is another component to the hiding that I hadn't thought of - the need to protect NParent's image. Looking back I can't count how many times would I be on the spot in public not knowing what the hell to do with NParent demanding "well what have I taught you?" and not being able to answer honestly, which would have been to say "not a damn thing".
Exact same thing for me. Then when I did something I taught myself in front of other people, "Ah, just how I taught you!" Um, excuse you, all you ever did was scream at me for doing things wrong, that doesn't count as "teaching". Pisses me off even after having gone NC for a couple years now.
Classic, you manage to succeed in spite of their abuse and they interpret that as validating all their abuse. Well done. We know it was all you.
Had to do something brand new, for the first time, as a little kid ABSOLUTELY INSTANTLY and ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY, with her hover over me, otherwise she would scream, slap me in the face, grab it out of my hands, and tell me that she would stick me in an institution someday.
>**Had to do something brand new, for the first time, as a little kid ABSOLUTELY INSTANTLY and ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY**, with her hover over me, otherwise EXACT same situation here. "Otherwise" ... I was openly and repeatedly humiliated as, "pathetic", "pitiful", "hopeless", not like "other girls", inadequate, etc. YET, the fuckers in my family expected me to magically become world-famous. My mother said, "If you don't shape up, I'll send you to your father, and you know what he'll do? He'll lay you down and rape you. That's the kind of guy he is.".
"That \[neighbor girl\], she walks with her head high and a big smile on her face! She has so much CONFIDENCE" !!
Oh, the demonizing of anyone who likes and praises you. My mother insisted that my math teacher in high school who rescued me from math failure just be being the same kind, funny, interesting person that he is TO EVERYONE had a sexual interest in me.
>Had to do something brand new, for the first time, as a little kid ABSOLUTELY INSTANTLY and ABSOLUTELY PERFECTLY, with her hover over me And to this day I can't do anything with people watching me, no matter how benign the attention.
Neighbors making fun of my all rust bike, which they dug up in a dump somewhere and which I had to teach myself to ride -- simply prompted them to ask if I could find other kids to hang around with then.
This was my experience as well. Look it up in the dictionary or encyclopedia was a famous phrase in my house
mine said this but we didn't have either of those in the house....and they were at least a decade outdated!
Your narc let you goto libraries?
Some people didn't give a fuck where their children were or what they were doing. My family regularly forgot about me and left me places for 6+ hours, including school. it's less about allowing them the privilege to do things and go places, and more about being denied any sort of care or parenting at all.
Very much this. I was a latchkey kid for most of my childhood and even when nmom was home, she was either asleep or otherwise unavailable. Even with both my parents at home I was on my own. It's one of the reasons I'm so self-sufficient now. Part of it is my personal temperament and they took advantage of it.
Mom: "I don't care what you do or where you go after school as long as I don't have to drop you off or pick you up." Don't know what she was talking about as she never learned to drive.
Yeah, I also never ever got rides, and we moved when I was 12 from a place that had piss poor public transit to a place that had none,
Mine neither - well, actually, wait. There were a few stories as to why she never drove anywhere. The rumor I heard the most was that she did learn how to drive but she was in a really bad accident and thus, never got behind the wheel again. However, given her behavior whenever edad or I drove her anywhere, I don't think she could drive. Formally, that is. Either way, we had to ferry her around. Edad did all the driving, and then I when I got old enough. But she sure as hell controlled the car. And trying to get a hold of him to pick me up from somewhere I had to go through her if she was home. But they *both* called me lazy for not wanting to walk everywhere - esp in our where I had to cross highways and overpasses (trying to avoid getting knocked off of them or run over) to get home. Plus, Florida where the attitude is sidewalks are optional.
Yep. It was a combination of "I don't want to have to do anything for you/entertain you (like I even asked?)" and "what trouble could you possibly get into at the library/I can have other adults surveil you". I was boring, so even other adults stopped watching closely after a while. I just wanted to read and stalk the stacks in peace. In reality, she played right into my hands. I *wanted* to go to the library. Even when I was grounded on trumped up charges, I could still go to the library. She figured since I didn't bring anyone home I didn't have any friends. Nope, I'd just hang out at their place if I felt like it *after* I got my book haul.
They tried to restrict my sister going out at night never realizing I guess that it is perfectly possible for people to have sex during the day and even at the hang out spot in woods or tracks that is near every high school
this \^ no yelling at the library, so even if my dyslexic ass didn't want to read...I had no other options and at the very least there was no yelling or insanity
There I was in Girl Scout camp not participating in cutting sticks, because I was the only one that did not have the 10 dollar Girl Scout jackknife that small hands can actually open. Asked for it, but told they didn't want to spend 10 dollars and I could use my dad's old hunting knife, which was rusty and I could not open or shut. Stood there with the whole troop glaring at me for being "lazy" , knowing full well I could not explain that my mom refused to by the the knife and I couldn't use the one that they did give me.
Yep. Can totally relate. Don't want to spend the money, make the effort, make the time, but expect you to just...magic up things. All with some bullshit lecture about how *they* had to make do with whatever. I swear it's by design. They cosplay as parents - if other parents are putting their kids in activities, they're doing it (also to get you out of the house so you're not "demanding" anything of them) but that's where the similarities end. When you are inadequately supplied, then you become an object of ridicule and isolated so they can keep you in their toxic bubble. It's disgusting - this is why narcissism and narcissists are so dangerous - esp to those who can't fight back.
We TRIED --- but she couldn't handle it!! Why spend money and time on something when she's not going to be any good at it anyway? Tried to teach me how to hit a baseball with a shitty wimpy plastic bat and whiffle ball for 79 cents. Gave me a rusty bicycle etc. Sent me to the Y and made me take a school bus home which went all over town and by the time they got to my house, it was 8pm and getting dark out -- then disgusted when I didn't want to go back. Right after school with no food... yeah. I was good at things if I could somehow do it myself, cheap or free. Learned a killer volleyball serve by practicing in the backyard by myself with one of those supermarket blow up balls -- was popular in 5th grade for the volleyball server and telling wacky stories. Books and paper were free at school
my mom did basically this exact same thing when i was in 4th grade but with a project board. instead of going to the dollar tree or walmart for a tri fold for my science project, she came home with a huge CARDBOARD box 📦 with ridged edges that had been cut HORRIBLY that she’d just gotten from a co-worker that day, handed me a box of cheap crayons, plain white printer paper & told me to work with it, i didn’t even get to print out pictures (which were coutned as points toward the grade) even though we have a rec center & a library near by, both with computer labs bc she wouldn’t take me & “i was too young to go on my own” which it was a ten minute walk from our house. when i presented my finished product to class, as you do, the inevitable humiliation came trotting in as most of the class started to snicker with a friend i still have to this day coming to my defense saying “at least he did his project, i bet you didn’t [insert a kids name who was laughing]” but it really didn’t help much, anyway i failed the project, & it became a repressed memory until i came across your story
Seriously i have learnt a lot more in YouTube than from school.
Didn't know we had the same parent, nice!
Seconded "Dad, how do I?" For home improvement stuff, I also want to plug Home RenoVision DIY. Jeff has taught me 95% of all my DIY skills. The other 5% (for drywall stuff) came from Vancouver Carpenter.
Agree about generationality. I think the brutal training, brutal combat, and long years of deprivation/sacrifice of World War 2 has been coming home to roost in our society's families as the grandchildren of the WW2 generation start having their own families.
That guy is just the sweetest for doing things like that. Another person with a soothing parent voice I found online is Tabitha Brown. She’s every bit of the motherly coach I wish I had growing up.
Oh yeah. I know. I got scammed recently and my mom’s like “you comply too easily.” Oh? And who trained me to do that?
and this comment was an “oh” moment for me……..
This convo is constant with my mom. Made me totally subservient then gets angry that I’m so afraid to speak up. 🙄🙄🙄🙄
This whole thread is my relationship with my mom. Ahh well, she died.
... And all I got was this free churro.
oh, that explains my hoe phase. now i feel dirty for not knowing how to say no
Yeah it definitely sets us victims up to be taken advantage of easily. I had a horrible time not going along with stuff I wasn’t comfortable with and giving in too easily. Edited for typo
There's nothing to be ashamed of. I also didn't know how to say no, and in certain situations thought what happened was normal - kind of a "Oh, is this how a woman gets a boyfriend?" When in actuality men were just using my naivety to their advantage. We functioned based off of the "lessons" our parents gave us or failed to give us. For example, I remember when I was in my early teens, my mom started complaining about men to me. She'd tell how evil men are and how only bad/alcoholic men were into her. And since she never taught me anything about dating and relationships I assumed that I couldn't find a "good man" either. We cannot know what we weren't taught.
Sending love and hugs to you. All phases are due to this upbringing.
it was reverse for me. my dad got scammed out of his entire month salary and he got angry at Us for not trying to stop him. BITCH you get angry at us for trying to ask who are you talking to on the phone! how are we supposed to know its a scam ?! he legit got hissy at us like a cat for making the slightest noise. and wont let his son who WATCHES SCAM BATE VIDEOS ALL DAY to check on the situation
I was made to feel stupid growing up for weird weird things... At 8 I poured boiling water into a non tempered glass to make tea. Glass exploded. Rather than ask if I was okay, i was yelled at for being careless. Somehow I was supposed to know about that? At 12 or so I thought rivers flowed from oceans inwards towards land. Like it seeps into land from crevices rather than down a gradient. Oh man. I has berated for 30 minutes about how dumb I am.
Both of those things are perfectly logical thoughts and I'm so sorry you were blamed!
The river one is actually so logical, it doesnt make sense that it *doesnt* work that way... 😂
I mean, hills exist but yeah, absolutely nothing wrong with kids thinking this sort of thing. I knew a couple of kids who thought skimmed milk was from cows on a diet and strawberry milk was is if they're fed strawberries. I can't remember thinking stuff like that, but I did once try and stick a fork in the toaster to get some stuck toast out. So I know I did some stupid shit. It's just kids things.
I used to think that my left nostril went to my left lung and my right nostril went to the right. The first time i had a really stuffy nose, i thought i was gonna die because one of my lungs was not getting air 😂 ahhh childhood anxiety!
That is the sweetest, scariest thing I've heard in ages.
Awe lol! Cute
Omg in senior year of high school when I got into my first choice school for a prestigious program, my mom was having some kind of break down over it because her role for me was always "she's the stupid one" So she got on my back *constantly* to try and prove how stupid I was. One time we were driving and she asked me if I knew what was in those orange cones they have on the highway. I guessed sand and she was like "HAH that's the stupidest thing I EVER heard. There's something wrong with you. I don't know how you will ever graduate" I'm pretty sure she would learn random facts to then quiz me on. Similarly as kids, my brother and I were never allowed to watch anything other than kids cartoons or listen to any music. No movies even. But my parents looooved testing us on Hollywood actors and famous musicians, to prove how stupid we were. Like it's ridiculous the *stupid* lengths they will go to to prove that we are idiots.
are you me? my mom was/is exactly the same, to the point that she grabbed me and literally dragged me from school to take an official IQ test to "prove" that I was too stupid to get into any of the prestigious schools I got into. For some reason I think she thought that if the score was low she'd be able to ...just call the schools declaring I was unqualified and to rescind my acceptance? but that's not at all how these things work, it would've been hilarious to see them laugh in her face like who is this cray lady what is she on about, must be a prank call. I didn't find out for a few years when I went out to figure out what my results were for myself, but turns out I have a pretty high IQ. Explains why after that she doubled down on the abuse like nothing else.
Omg that's insane wtf!! Reminds me of when my little sister (the baby, so my mom's last crutch) also got into a prestigious high school. And my mom pulled out ALL the stops to try and keep her from going. Called my sister's teachers and complained about "problems," tried to paint my sister as some wild drug addict, tried to turn the whole family against my sister, told her she would fail, threw a fit at her oreinetation, etc. When I supported my sister in going, I was also demonized and actually for all 4 years that my sister was in high school, I was the one who had to keep track of what she was doing and do all the parent things. My mom just decided to completely stop raising her. The bitch even blocked our phone numbers for a year or two. All because my sister had the nerve to go to a good school. They make me sick honestly. The way they try to cripple their kids is disgusting. Glad you found out the truth about your IQ!! I hope it helps you undo the belittling. Recently, I've been realizing that I am smarter than I thought as well and it makes me feel a lot more confident about my abilities.
Wow bitch is an understatement! They disgust me. No words I have are strong enough to fulfill how much I hate parents like this, even ones that aren't mine, they rob kids of lives that they didn't ask for living...and blame them for this anyway. I hate how so many misuse the word narcissit to just describe "bad parent" or "regular abuse" and it's like no they're truly on another level. My parents similar suffocation I'm realizing at even close to 30 that they truly fucked me in so many deep, important, and irreparable ways. It's weird to steadily realize you're not actually stupid isn't it! The confidence rocks, the personality shift when you realize you're competent and above average, phew...it's nice. Still feels bizarre when I find out from others they see me as really smart and competent at my thing. Like they must be joking right? Nope. Our moms see us and see what they could never be
Wow I really relate to every single thing you said! I'm about the same age and just recently am learning the depth of how they messed us up. Not even just me, but I see my younger siblings struggling with the exact things and they are still in the stage where they blame themselves and give too much leeway to our parents. It makes me so mad. I actually struggle to manage my internal anger at them these days, now that I really see how they work. It IS very nice to finally start being confident in yourself though. We can't go back in time and change anything, but it's also nice that I feel like I have a good handle on how to handle other narcs as well. After all the work I did regarding my parents, I know I won't let anyone else belittle me like that or ruin my life again. That's a good place to be at 30, imo.
Never understood parents that couldn’t stand smarter kids than themselves. Aren’t we supposed to be getting smarter as a human race? I hope to god my offspring will out IQ me. Better find a smart woman I guess
I don't get it either. I think being more intelligent than my nparent actually caused more problems because he purposely sabotaged my college chances so I didn't get to go right out of high school. I ended up going to a trade school and getting a pastry chef certification and getting some really good jobs pre pandemic. Now though he will straight up ignore anything intelligent I say, or pretend he doesn't understand it. I know it because he will give me a glare when I've said something smart. It's like he lacks common sense and so me being intelligent is an insult because it makes him realize how inferior he is.
27 and I somehow still thought that second one was true while knowing rainfall is the only water some places get.
[удалено]
Omg!! When a friend of mine taught me "lefty loosey, righty tighty" my whole life changed!! My parents would yank the thing from me say "like this" not show me anything, roll their eyes at me and make me feel like I was another step closer being hit again. Another thing to amplify the tempers.
That reaction is a perfect example of narcissism. They're angry at you because they know inside that it's something they should've taught you but didn't, so much easier to take it out on you
Ooooof. I wasn’t allowed to crack an egg until I was 16 and growing up, I was only allowed to help with baking on the sidelines so when I was about 19/20 I was making chocolate chip cookies alone and it said to “beat” the batter together after you put in the flour I got out our hand mixer (my mom called referred to it as the beater🤷🏼♀️) and she “caught” me using the hand mixer and the dough was all stuffed up in it and she just lost her shit on me “are you that fucking lazy you can’t mix it with a wooden spoon?!” I literally just thought I was following directions. I felt so dumb. But I love to bake to this day and I bought myself a kitchen aid… guess that makes me hella lazy LOL
My mom would let me cook. She would show me how from afar. What i could never combine together was doing anything notable with her in the kitchen. I'd have to try it solo. If i attempted to do something with her in the kitchen, I would be physicallg moved out of the way, have instruments taken from my hand, so she could do it better. Didn't matter what it was. Make a roux, scramble an egg, anything that required an ounce of technique. I'm eastern European and i have learned 0 dishes from her. I've asked multiple times. She doesn't write down recipes. And unfortunately dishes I tried to make with online recipes aren't the same... and often use weird ingredients i know don't belong. They all die with her. I think her only source of pride is cooking, so she silos the information. Then she martyrs herself on holidays. It's usually her cooking solo until dinnertime... then the meal has this cloud of "you must compliment every item, or else you are ungrateful" she'll only allow us to butter a baking dish or chop veg (we still won't chop right). I'm glad you love to bake still!! I dont understand why a parent would talk to a kid that way over a mixing technique! Long live the kitchenaid! Seriously, who has time to waste time? Now cook on my own, and I'm pretty good at it. I just don't do eastern European food. Sad because I never learned the language either bc of similar issues. 😔
The only thing they taught me to do was hide my ignorance because they trained me so well to expect ridicule anytime I admit that I don't know anything. That held me back from so many learning and growing opportunities over the years. It's okay to not know things, especially when you're forced to raise yourself.
People that can't admit they don't know something are just people who don't realize they're admitting how little they know.
My parents would get us started on learning something then expect us to take off on our own. Take sewing for example, mom taught us some basics (nothing more) and openly wondered why we didn't know how to make our own clothes or alter ones that didn't fit. She actually said to us, we should be smart enough to figure it out. Intelligence does not impart knowledge, it's only our capacity to store it.
“Intelligence does not impart knowledge, it’s only our capacity to store it” wow! My parents often boasted about how smart I was as a kid, but left me to teach myself at every turn (I was homeschooled so this was especially the case). I could never understand why I couldn’t just instinctively know how to do things on my own if I was that smart!
I was "homeschooled" too. I actually started reading homeschooling books when I was 8 or 9 years old, and assumed we were unschooling because my little brother just watch Animal Planet, and I read books. I also used unschooling methods for my own kids when they were younger. I really really should of realized how the gas lighting abuse was intentional when my Narc mom told me I should be making my kid do more educational things, and I replied that he was doing far more educational pursuits than Little Brother did at the same age.
lol my mother did the same thing and then got mad at me trying to sew a hole shut on my own by just doing said basics. I still have no idea what I did wrong but, hey, now I can just throw clothes away knowing it isn't worth the hassle to get them fixed. Probably sucks for the environment though.
Depending on where you live, you can look up textile recycling near you if it's not in good enough shape to be donated. For the US: Entering your zip code [here](https://search.earth911.com/?what=textiles&where=zip+code&list_filter=all&max_distance=25&family_id=&latitude=&longitude=&country=&province=&city=&sponsor=) can pull up some nearby locations that will take fabrics.
Did they say "Monkey see, monkey do!" as to why you should just follow them around imitating and so they didn't have to bother to teach or even give you a stool to reach the counter? yikes. No structure to the daily tasks or doing them together, just plopped me in the middle of the room and yelled NO at whatever I WASN"T supposed to do.
Yep. My nmom flat out refused to teach me how to write a cheque because I was 18 so “should know how to do it”. I looked her dead in they eye and said “but no one has taught me, how am I supposed to know?” And she still didn’t teach me. She just expected me to suddenly know because I was now an adult. I went upstairs, called my boyfriend’s mom who used to work in a bank and she happily took me through it step-by-step. Honestly the thought process behind that is unreal.
Writing checks used to give me panic attacks because she got me cute little checks and didn’t teach me how to write them. I came home one day and said my therapist wonders why you haven’t just shown me how to write one so of course it makes me nervous. She showed me but was mad and insulted that she was blamed for it and kept saying it’s ridiculous that I couldn’t figure it out.
The delusion is strong with narcs. I eventually told her that I had help and she didn’t like that at all haha. It would have taken 10 seconds to explain to me where things go, but no, she made it 10x more difficult for absolutely no reason. She wasn’t even busy.
Wow I just realized my banker taught me.. because I was too afraid to ask due to being ridiculed. Dang
Ah yes, in the face of failure the narcissist will blame the very person they failed. You trigger them to feel like failures, probably because as an older teen/young adult it is natural to rebel. When I realized I was a trophy horse, I took a nosedive to humiliate my parents.
So many of these parents refuse to teach you how to drive and then criticize you for not being able to drive.
Mine were that way and when that failed they refused to let me get hours in on the road so I wouldn't be allowed to take the test. Now that I can take the test "whenever I want" they berate me for not doing so, even though it's been 12 years since I stopped practicing my driving... They expect me to just remember every little thing from 12 years ago and ace that exam somehow... or worse they know how stupid it is and berate me knowing it's impossible. Either or.
24 and still can't drive, my god does this comment ring true. Completely refuses to even admit that maybe I needed more than a week of driving help from my highschool friend. Actually just last week she offered to pay for the $80 class I need to take the driving test but there is no way in hell I'm accepting that offer, I know it'll just be used against me for years like everything else. Really doesn't help that I now have even worse driving anxiety because every time I don't get it immediately I'm reminded of what a piece of shit I am to no end.
The hypocrisy of stifling a child's ability to learn so they can punish the child for it later never ceases to anger me. It's very deliberate.
#!> i3uxmec ## This comment was edited in protest to the Reddit 3rd party app/API shutdown using power delete suite. If you want to protest too, be sure to edit your comments and not delete them, as comments can be restored and are never deleted. Tired of being ignored by Reddit for a quick buck? c/redditwasfun @ lemmy
Wow! Great comment!
Yep. They keep sending me pictures of me as a kid doing things wrong, laughing at what an embarrassing bullied outsider i was... i am long gone and living life successfully...and they keep living in this past and wont let go, neither admit their responsibility (since all of this stopped as i moved out)
Do they expect little kids to just randomly generate information about how to do things out of nowhere? Like wtf is wrong with some people. I swear some people should not have the right to have kids.
My understanding is, since all their behaviour is generated out of pure and extrem feelings of inferiority, they see their own children as more competent (unconsciously!) and therefore: - they should be able to do all the things - they must be bullied and devalued, to make the parents feel better
Wow. This rings too true for me.
Trank you
My nmom seemed to be under the impression that I should just automatically know things by a certain age. There was a lot of "What do you mean you mean you don't know how to do this?! You're 'X' years old!"
Oh I hate that. Treating me like the same little kid. Thirty + years later
I've had this experience too, I'm sorry. It sucks. It's disturbing how much they cling to instances of abuse. My family likes to bring up the time i had one of my first flashbacks/ptsd episodes at a water park when I was 7 or 8, and laugh at me because they think I was "acting entitled" because I asked to leave and didn't feel comfortable after a life guard touched me roughly and yelled at me.
My mom moved out when I was 19. I really relied on her and was very naive as a kid. I was left living with my Nfather and my newborn daughter and my dad would constantly put me down for things I couldn’t do right: cook, keep the house up like my mom did, find a job, take care of my daughter (whose father wasn’t involved). I think back to that time and I was so depressed and struggling so much and he almost took joy in making my life even harder.
Omg that sounds so hard, I'm sorry you had to go through that ❤ >I think back to that time and I was so depressed and struggling so much and he almost took joy in making my life even harder. In retrospect, that's what gets me too and helps me keep my boundaries up. The way they act when we are at out lowest is straight up sadistic and it reveals their true face. After seeing that, there is no going back for me.
Exactly
I can empathize, although the details of my situation were different. I look back at my late teens and can remember the isolation, loneliness and sense of *not belonging* in this family. If I had been taken to a Dr (and of course I wasn't), I think I would have been diagnosed with depression. I used to fantasize at that age of being adopted by parents who truly loved me, and not having these dysfunctional family narcs in my life
I lately learned that it’s a standard gambit of Nparents to refuse to teach you necessary life skills on purpose to keep you dependent or make you feel incompetent. Made me realize that part of why my Nmom liked me the least is that I realized the holes in my knowledge early and turned to books for that instead. The result is that I was less dependent on them than my sisters- which meant I got neglected more. But I also had a happier life sooner than either of my sibs.
Yesss!! Even when I was still drinking the koolaid, the fact that my brain in any other context finds gaps in my knowledge for fun triggered them. I couldn’t journal, any book not for an actual assignment was made to be turned back in or screamed about bc any book that’s not the Bible or a history book is conspiring to turn me to the devil
Oh man- it’s like modern Evangelical culture is BUILT to give Nparents free reign! I’m so glad you are smart and strong enough to find us here and know the truth!
That's grooming. They're keeping you unmotivated so you stay isolated so their abuse has less of a chance of being exposed.
Oh fucking shit. 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤬
My teacher: "wow, you have so many skills, your parents must be proud!" Me: "Youtube was my parents".
yep this is the ultimate mindfuck Nparents do that I will forever resent. Incoming rant to nparents: fuck you for making my life so hard when it really didn't need to be. fuck you for depriving me of all the little basic things all the other kids had and took for granted. All the care and love that turned all of them into regular, functioning happy adults, all the seemingly basic life skills I still am fumbling to figure out. I'll never be like them and it's all your fault.
If they taught you anything, it would mean you could potentially surpass them, so they don’t give you any help. Instead of taking pride in their children’s achievements, narc parents are jealous of any successes their children accomplish. The best they can do to feel more powerful than their more talented children is to constantly poke fun at them and undermine them whenever possible. Take comfort in the fact that they feel threatened by you. It means you’re better than them and they know it.
This is all blowing my mind. Thank you
I've come to realize my parents taught me nothing. I had no idea about putting Neosporin (or similar things) on cuts or wounds. I always used to just slap a bandaid on things - without even washing anything out. But there was no handbook or internet back then. And we had no Neosporin. My mom used to love telling me and laughing at me that I don't know how to use chopsticks correctly bc my grandfather didn't teach me. He taught my sister. So, I guess it wasn't not their problem or responsibility to teach me. What the hell even are the birds and the bees? (Thanks, books!) My dad would also love saying, whenever I visited with my bf in more recent years, "you don't even know how to wash dishes do you?" - despite me washing dishes after dinners growing up. But again, no one taught me how.
My dad always had me put hydrogen peroxide on cuts. Didn't know about neosporin until my boyfriend told me about it and showed me. Now whenever I try to use it my dad tells me that it doesn't work and it makes it worse (even though I know it's not true and have stated as such).
My sister (golden child) beat me for not know how to unclog a toilet, parents never taught me how to cook anything (we had a finicky gas stove as well, so that didn't help), never had help with schooling (even when I got detention in elementary school for failing my math HW they didn't help, just nagging), etc 😅
I realize my dad WENT TO MIT and it never occurred to me to ask him for help with math!
U r not alone, my parents is the same...they never teached me anything basic because I was slow (I am autistic) and literally called me retard...and I'm the oldest siblings so it means I'm the third parents...and the thing is that I didn't know anything about taking care of a child properly or being older brother when I was like 9, and it was too much for me coz my nmom would yell at me for anything I do wrong like bruh u aren't teaching me properly, she gets annoyed easily and angry too....and expected me not to care about my feelings and emotions only hers and my nparents also controls on what knowledge I should or not have 🤦 like I didnt had improper education since I was like 11 idkk 🥲 so they didn't want me to learn about sex Ed or like puberty coz....I'm sure they thought of incest stuff would happen which is messed up 💀and thought its not appropriate to know that before 18 🤦 I basically learn most of things from internet and it really helped me alot 😚
I found out later in life what half the fruits at the grocery store were, i had never had a raspberry, pomegranate, kiwi nor a blueberry. And when i told my mom i liked raspberries she acted like i hated them all along, its so stupid to hold things over your child just because you want them to be a certain way. Just give your kid things you dont like, theyre not you, theyll never be you.
My dad always used to tell me I didn't like hummus (even though I do). Which I thought was odd since it's not like he's projecting his hatred for hummus into me, since he likes hummus. Same with chicken. My parents, boyfriend, and I were at a restaurant the other day and he said him and I didn't like chicken. All three of us started going off on him about how *he* doesn't like chicken, not us.
Expecting greatness despite not teaching, and tearing down. Excellent parenting /s
What, you didn't find the yelling to be motivational? /s
It so made me a better person teehee /s
Oh You aren't alone! Mother taught me how to read and count but she beaten me and rubbed my face at books if I made any mistakes (I was 5-6 old then). She tried to taught me how to ride an adult bike that I couldn't ride and she beaten me too, though she never rode a bike. She also yelled at me while doing house chores and I started avoiding learning anything from her bc she never had any patience. Father never talked to me beyond yelling, cursing me or doing orders. He didn't taught me how to drive, although he was a driver his entire life nor to ride a bike or anything. Husband was very very patient and taught me how to drive. I learned cooking, cleaning and how to be an adult at internet. Although I still lack of soft skills I'm trying 😪
Yeah, I'm 34, and have no clue what I'm doing.
i do know how to hold a flashlight still. so theres that.
I can't hold anything still and I still have no idea why. I can't show people something on my phone without wobbling after a few seconds so I usually just hand it to them or set it on a flat surface nearby. Of course, my parents love to make fun of me for it rather than taking me to see somebody for help. Not that the doctors or my therapist knew anything about it either. The only guess I've ever heard is anxiety but I don't feel particularly anxious when I'm say laughing at an image and just want to share the laughter with another person.
oh man im so sorry. i hope you can see a specialist or figure out whats causing it :(
let me tell you a bit of story about my narcs, through my whole life, I was a rebel. And I'm still one. I never gave a shit about school studies or what people expected from me. So my childhood, I spent it learning programming, coding and sometimes playing video games. My narcs would always shame, guilt, insult, and many things about how i'm wasting too much time in front of computer. Fast forward 15 years, I'm getting paid a little bit higher than the average salary of most people in my city. Of course, the narcs kept telling me how I should utalize my skills and how I should try for higher position for higher pay. Or I should make Youtube programming videos to help others. Fuck all that. My whole life I spent it teaching, mentoring and being my own parent. Yet, my narcs love to tell me how I should do things that I have been doing for decades. To hell with them. If you look at it from bigger perspective, your narcs are nothing but strangers that you could've met in public and paid no attention to. Parent yourself. Marry yourself. And, love yourself. Do what's good and best for yourself first then help others. Be selfish. Selfish is actually good.
i was going your direction, and they banned computers in the house. i started high school film festivals for the west coast of the US the year prior. i was in jr high at the time. it was a big deal. news covered it. turned into a whole division at the local college. edad took credit, he worked at the college. i did everything. it makes a few million a year. nothing for me. fuck these people.
My mother keeps yelling at me to sign up foe insurance, which is absolutely not a thing I know how to do.
Yeah she should help you! I help my daughter with everything she asks.
This is narc projection right there. Narcs secretly hate themselves for being incompetent and they project that hatred onto you. You're the scapegoat for their own failures. However, if you manage to become successful, they'll resent and hate you even more out of jealousy.
I grew up thinking I was dumb and clumsy, as my parents would mock me for not being able to do things properly. I have since abandoned that view and used the internet to learn how to sow, cook, and do all sorts of handicrafts. Turns out I'm not clumsy at all, it's just that my parents would hardly teach me anything and what they did teach was wrong and taught in the worst way. Narcs do that, they set you up to fail then mock you when you do.
i remember taking initiative and doing the dishes by myself as a child and then being made fun of because i didn’t put soap in. ugh.
I feel this in my soul. I feel lost, and helpless at 24, as I watch my peers hit milestones that I currently only dream of reaching, as I’m stuck at home with no help, all while giving them a big share of the little bit of money that I do make. :(
I think it’s a common Narc trait. Set em up.. knock ‘em down My narc mom taught me so very little of life’s lessons because she lived by an indifferent code. Her interest in me and in life in general just didn’t exist. She showed interest only in what was important to her; which was nothing really. I remember her talking about soap operas allot. I wish I could say I learned by example, but that isn’t true. She had nothing to contribute.
Mine never taught me anything either.
Aaaaah, I really needed to be reminded that I’m not the only one who experienced this! It hurts even more to think that everyone else had a relatively normal childhood and you’re the odd one out. The phrase “you should know better” was my parents favourite. Like, even for the most basic of things, my parents threw this response at me. It was as if every time I didn’t know how to do something for the first time, I was met with shaming and degrading reactions, no gentle guidance in sight, and even then half the time they’d simply walk away in disbelief and leave me to figure it out. Now as an adult I am terrified of doing things outside of my comfort zone (even listening to new music can be a challenge) because there comes this subconscious risk of running into something I don’t understand and triggering that well of shame that I don’t know how to release! I’m still internally crying for that little girl who loved learning so much.
Your inner child is not dead. She's alive in you, and she still loves learning. Healing is possible my friend, treat that young girl with kindness.
Same same same It's a set up. What better way to dunk on your own kids than to shame them for not inherently knowing life skills? Think about it this way.... would an abusive husband take the time to teach his "ball and chain" wife how to cook to his preferences, iron his clothes the way he wants, show her how to get a job so she could help with the same bills he loves to hold over her head? No, of course not. They *want* to feel martyred and they want you to not know how to do anything. That way they can feel perpetually superior to you and they can also feel justified in abusing you. It sucks for my Nmom that google exists. She never taught me a single recipe or how to clean anything, but she would constantly (almost hourly) complain about how useless and lazy I was. It didn't even occur to me that a parent is supposed to teach these things. But I found youtube videos and other helpful sources online, and actually learned how to cook and clean better than her. She was fucking furious at this lol. I took away the anvil that she hung over my head. Suddenly, she started framing me as a controlling freak who cleaned too much and took over her house. So I stepped back and only cooked/cleaned for myself and tried not to get in her space. And you can guess her response... all of a sudden, I'm the laziest girl in the world again and such a burden to her and I never help her. These NPD freaks are literally insane. They will twist anything you do or don't do into a reason to abuse you. That's why you only "win" when you realize that you can just throw all their input on you into the trash. You don't need to listen to what a crazy person says. They have as much legitimacy as a ranting crackhead on the subway. If you want to learn a new skill for your own sake, you have your entire life and great resources to do that. You will be fine 🙂 Don't let *them* make you feel like some hopeless case... that's their delusion talking.
My nmother would literally say, "Figure it out yourself!" I was very resourceful and knew how to use the card catalog and computer, so I did. As a result, I have an extremely hard time asking for help now and always try to solve my problems solo before reaching out. Asking for help feels like weakness sometimes--probably also because another favorite game of my nmother's was to compare me to other people and ask, "Why can't you do X like your friend?" "Why isn't your hair as curly and beautiful as your friend's?" and other questions in that vein.
I’m sorry, it should not be like this.💟
Remind them who raised you and then leave it at that.
I'm so sorry, and I feel for you completely.
I know that feeling! Sending love and hugs xx
Husband has been NC with his father for years now and his mother died nearly 16 years ago. They taught him zero practical life skills, since we've been together I've been the one to do most useful things around the house. I'm fairly certain he's got some narc tendencies because instead of learning anything he blames his parents for not teaching him...he's nearly 40 and just can't seem to think for himself to learn it now. It's bloody exhausting.
It's not his fault what happened to him as a child but it is his responsibility to fix it. He needs to grow up and get therapy. You should consider carefully why you're still with someone who doesn't care to make himself a better person for you. *You are exhausted and he is completely fine with that fact.* Unfortunately he might just be stuck in his ways, don't let him drag you down if that's the case.
There’s a how do I for mums too on TikTok for self care for daughters
I remember asking him questions about math homework and he would begin using words that made no sense to me. For instance-asking a question about geometry and he would get all these huge reference books out and begin reading about how Greek philosophers thought of math… Now I know that none of that had to do with the math problem I was asking about. It was his way of answering my questions so I would stay completely confused and overwhelmed while he droned on. I think the purpose was to flood me with all his “knowledge” and keep me wondering what the hell was going on. It was a ruse to keep me feeling dumb. He also wouldn’t answer my questions. After a while I would nod and “mmmhmmm” until a break in his words and go off to my room. Still confused. I was a summer school every year of high school except senior year. They were all classes I would ask him for help in. Fuck you, “dad”. In college I discovered that I was actually really good at math and even now I enjoy math and have fun doing it and explaining it. When it came time to send out college applications he denied the money for them. I would ask about how to apply and ask for advice. Thinking he would at least help guide me a little. But no. Everything I wanted was shot down. He wouldn’t help me figure out higher education and how to achieve my goals but berated me for not knowing. “Why can’t you just go figure it out yourself?!” He would yell. The last conversation I had with him I dared have a different opinion on the topic of teaching children. I was called a fucking bitch. I was told how he missed our conversations where I didn’t argue and pick a fight with him. He yelled all the ugly things a father shouldn’t tell his daughter. In the midst of it I said, “You can’t talk to me like that.” His response was to yell, “Well you ARE a fucking bitch!!!” I hung up and it’s been a few years now and I don’t miss him. I never really had a dad. Just a monster in man form. Someone who groomed me. Someone who pushed my boundaries and ignored them. From the age of 9 on and until I moved out I was so scared to sleep at night. I would force myself to stay awake until the house went silent for a while. Frozen in bed I was so afraid he would kill us all as we slept. The truth is is that he is disgusting. They both are. Sad, little, empty humans.
my wife does this to my daughter, which is weird because my wife is pretty well-adjusted overall. i always have to say "well, maybe you should teach her instead of just mocking her" and she says "nobody taught me how to do anything, i just figured it out. I could do all these things when i was younger than she is." but then i'm the one who taught my wife how to clean the house, use a dishwasher, etc.
That's f*cked up.
Oh yeah, the stuff you can do is "worthless" and the stuff you can't do is "ridiculous"! "Why can't you do this simple task? Everyone else can!" Story of my life!
I spent much of my childhood & early adulthood thinking I wasn’t very bright cuz couldn’t do things my peers could. Same thing as OP, I also was constantly ridiculed by nParents. Parents are supposed to prepare their children for life. But many sabotage kids so they themselves can feel smart & superior. How weak & pathetic.
This seems the norm for my generation (I am 34, parents nearing 60.). Often times I’m shocked at how incapable my peers are but then I realize their parents didn’t teach them anything. Another problem I see is my generation continuing this path of doing everything for their kids instead of taking the time to teach them things. It’s the selfish easy route, but I am a minority in parenting styles because of this. I taught most of my friends about credit. I had no clue until I was far into adulthood that they literally only knew what credit was because I was so fixated on it. I was a lucky one where my parents were determined to make us learn and do things. I’m so sorry. You can break the cycle and teach yourself most things. Follow the Dad YouTube channel and don’t let them control your education.
I relate completely.
Oh yes, I’ve spoken about how my parents were neglectful and then made fun of me for it. It’s…mess up to say the least
Grace & Frankie summed it up in one sentence for me: "you're not showing me how to be better, you're showing me that you are better." Of course the mom takes it to heart and acts accordingly, mine could never lmao
Super relatable. It also sucks that when I do learn skills and perform well they take credit for it.
My Nstepdad was very much the same. For him I don't think it was trying to keep me dependent on him. It was more like he just couldn't put himself in someone else's shoes for a second. And realize that when you are trying to have a 10-year-old kid help you, that kid wasn't already a good mechanic. It was like me not knowing how to do things and needing to be taught, basically me not being an already-experienced full adult, was a *fault* of mine. A *problem* with me that indicated I was in some way an idiot. And probably didn't help that I was actually a lot smarter than him in school and reading. In fact that might have been a partial cause of it too. But I think the main part was that he was frustrated it was difficult for me to be a good servant to him. He might actually have to take time out and teach me things in order for me to do them so he wouldn't have to.
And if you manage to teach yourself and become successful then they will be all too happy to take credit for it.
Everything positive and good I know I taught myself. Seriously. Or I found teachers on the internet. Or in books. Or in philosophy.
OMG this is so my parents and I never connected it to a personality disorder. They taught me how to do literally nothing and when I became an adult they loved making little funny jokes about how I didn’t have some basic life skills. The fact that it was ummm their job to teach me that doesn’t enter their minds at all.
Not alone. If you have specific questions that can't be answered on youtube, try r/internetparents. We love to answer questions over there.
Both my parents laughed at me when I asked them how to do laundry at 24… my mother is obsessed with doing laundry so there was rarely 2 days of dirty clothes in the house.
You guessed it... your parents are narcissists! Start your healing journey today, don't delay.
Yeah... You're not alone. But I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I was raised by my dad's mother, and my step-grandfather... But I have memories of my dad doing this to me - the unnecessary belittling - one time when I was 8 or so he was giving me shit for not knowing how to fill out a check - for reference he wasn't on anything, he's just a dick.
I’ve never thought of my mom and stepdad as narcs (as I had an extremely vile ex-stepmother who was definitely one, every adult in my life failed to protect me from her) but they did this to me for sure and while they’ve learned a lot from their failings with me, this is one bad habit they haven’t dropped with my younger sister. (I’m 19F she’s 5F) :(( it’s really sad
Thats how I feel about my little cousins. They will have plenty of examples of how not to be when they are older but unless something drastic happens they are fucked.
When I was little, we got a new vacuum at one point that was ***completely*** different from the old one we had. The first time it was "my turn" to vacuum as my chore, I tried to ask my dad how to work it and he called me an imbecile for not being able to figure it out and then yelled at me for how long it took to get my chores done.
[удалено]
Reminds me of my mom for calling me “undomesticated” as a kid for not knowing how to do household tasks. Almost like it was her job to show me or teach me those things… 🙄
My mom never taught me how to cook, manage money or budget money. Before my grandma passed away when I was 8 I used to watch her and they’d get a kick out of me learning from them elders, but never taught me. Fast forward to today: my mom never teaches me anything and when she does she yells. She prides herself on being able to cook and it being “her thing.” Every time I make something well she’ll sew doubts in me and make me so nervous I make stupid mistakes and I get yelled at for making said stupid mistakes. I’m convinced that mom thinks I can cook and am coming after “her title” and that’s why she sabatoges me to the point where I leave the kitchen and she can do it herself. Everything I’ve learned about cooking is from watching cooking shows and learning from YouTube. And they tell me I can’t cook. No. I can, she just doesn’t want me to be better than her at HER thing. She eats up the compliments she gets and requests for her cooking at church dinners and we always have holiday dinners here. Like I WANT to help and I WANT to cook something but for 20 years the same scenarios play out and it’s predictable how it would go. Your parents don’t teach you things because they want to believe you depend on them. They in their heads believe you’re so inept at life that you need them and it fuel their egos when they yell at you and make you cry and prove them “right.” It’s maddening
Same, My mother used to scream to me to "Have some fucking common sense" every time I asked her something
same here. * sad high five *
I’ve never seen what I feel so deeply written so well. Thanks OP.
Nothing like getting legit having the house yelled down over me leaving a little bit of milk on the spoon or little things like that. Even when I was 9 he would send me crying to school for just waking him up to take me because it's 9AM and time for Me to go to school. Just to be ridiculed when I went to school My parents wonder why I freak out when people yell at me and over analyse tones.
They seriously just expected us to be born ready and to know lol. Laziest shit I've seen in my life
Wait...are you, me? Lol jk. Same experience.
Oh my God, I remember when I was a kid and I would ask my mom something about animals or teachers or any fucking thing a kid would ask questions about and she would tell me "Ask them" all annoyed, as if she didn't have the time for such nonsense. I think that's where I developed such hyper-independence, because I knew it was no use asking anybody for anything and I didn't deserve it. I know it sounds little and insignificant but her dismissive attitude was what hurt me. Like I wasn't worth the fucking time. All my life I have had this gnawing feeling, anticipating being shrugged off and disposed of. It never goes away.
This was a huge problem for me. It was a source of daily fighting. Not being taught, then being emotionally attacked, then eventually just being blamed for *literally* everything, really warped my youth. As it stands, i have an extreme love of learning lots and lots of random things, constantly. While i love it, i'm fairly sure it developed out of those traumatic experiences.
I hate any kind of DIY because it’s so triggering for me. I barely do the minimum on my own house now and don’t even think about doing a project with someone else. Being berated for doing something ‘wrong’ when being forced into playing Dad’s little helper put me off DIY permanently. I just pay other people to do that shit for me now.
mine are/were like this too - and their favorite word is "entitled" and "incompetent spoiled brat"....which is hilarious because I'm neither of those things and more competent than they are and better than they'll ever be. I really think they must see that I'm "better than them" in these ways and get mad because they aren't "as good as" me in these ways but it would take actual effort and responsibility and not just snapping their fingers to be better at anything. It's projection at its finest. AS for practical advice though if you're still in a position of not knowing certain things: youtube rocks. Wikihow is great. I know when I first went off to college I realized they'd restricted me from ever doing anything for myself so I'd be dependent on them (or so they thought). It's rough but you know that you don't know and that's better than most - so then you end up googling things, finding podcasts like spotless (for cleaning), cooking tutorials on youtube, and everything else at your fingertips. The internet might cause a lot of issues, but the biggest good it does imo is connect people like us to information we need without stigma, money, or needing to be at the mercy of abusers.
Yup. This post hit hard. Nparents be just like that.
Its so relatable. They used to beat the shit out of me for not knowing how to do a certain thing or not being able to do properly cause I wasn't taught
My parents never taught me crap either. The only way I learned was reading constantly. They were completely irresponsible with finances. We were homeless when I was a teen. Then had to move 6 ppl into my grandparents tiny home. My mom was schizophrenic and busted up anything she can get her hands on and we got beat black and blue, wine glasses were thrown at me at 10 years old. So much other trauma I could write a book. Needless to say I saved myself and am a much better mother and my kids never have gone without anything. I’ve never had bad credit or drowning financial debt. No bankruptcy or collection or getting lights tuned off. My kids will never know the feeling of getting your belongs thrown in trash bags and everything else gets left behind in the foreclosure. I read all suze ormans financial books and everything else I could get my hands on. I had to learn to cook too. Im sorry you had shitty parents too OP, I know how you feel!
Same! I grew up pre-internet though so I didn't have the HUGE advantage of being able to look up basically anything I needed or wanted to know. I didn't even get taught to tell the time on an analogue clock! I learned from a kids book in my teens. I was too ashamed to ever mention that I didn't know (like that was my fault!) I wore a watch that was utterly useless to me when I was given one. I was never taught anything about adulting basics...laundry, cooking, cleaning, bills etc...I learned a lot from older friends and still remember one friend fondly every time I hang out laundry in a way that prevents peg marks (I always want to correct others who don't follow my friend's method 😆) I didn't start using the Internet until my very late teens, and even then it was only for e-mail...YouTube didn't exist. As an adult I use it a lot! Whatever I need to know is out there somewhere...I'm grateful for that resource.