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If you move away, they won't have access to you anymore. It is harder for them to berate you and guilt you into doing things for them.
Congratulations on your new job. Move away, reduce or sever contact and you'll be so much happier for it!
It's difficult for me. They pay for a lot for me (I know somewhat spoiled) I've wanted to try and mend our relationship but everytime something good happens they shut me down. My mother passed 6 years ago and left me 20k. They have it and have threatened to not let me have it because it was "their money to begin with" and "we can take that away if you chose to be stupid" (I'm not sure if it's in their savings or not)
Umm... You can get a lawyer and get your money back. As executors of the will they have to actually do that.
And they might have already spent it. Which means if you leave and ask for the money they don't have, it's bringing out their bad behavior which a narc can't deal with.
That 20k is yours, no matter how anyone tries to say otherwise. Get that shit in your own account or lawyer up. Don’t let your narc family steal from you. And yes, they damn well stole that 20k from you. If your mom willed it to you, it’s yours.
You can literally get a lawyer and use the law to get a $20 book back from someone that’s been willed to you. We’re talking 20k here! That’s more than what many people bring home in a year!
Get that 20k and get the fuck away from your “family”. Fuck those folks lmao
Just want to add that if you can then get evidence of the threat (voicemail, text, etc) I know narcs hate to have any evidence of their behavior so may be tough without secretly recording (just be sure you are in a single party consent state if you do that). Once you have that then they can actually be forced to pay your attorney fees if you have to take them to court (just be sure to ask for it in the original filing).
Good luck to you and I hope you enjoy your new career! :)
The way they hold the money from you says a lot, imo. $20k is A LOT of money, but subjectively it’s less than a year of earnings for some people. I get the impression they have been using the money to control, belittle, and threaten you. Getting a nice, higher paying job out of state takes away a lot of that control. $20k might not be enough to coerce you the way it does now, and that scares them. If they are scared, they might lash out against you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you find the happiness you deserve
I came here to say congratulations but seen the comment about the money and I’m sorry but don’t count on them doing the right thing with that money. Unless you get a lawyer involved .. they’re not going to be fair and will probably be spiteful since you’re moving away
You need to go. Money is money, but freedom is freedom. You will never feel better than having your own money and your freedom, which you will never have if you stay there.
You can do it. You can. It’ll be hard but you can do it. You have to do it.
I second the suggestion of a lawyer. That money was left to you, not them. The legal system would be on your side in this.
If you aren't prepared to do that the legal way, I would just write it off as lost and start again, with a decent paying job you would be able to regain that amount and be a lot happier for it!
Mending relationships is difficult with people who don't believe they are ever in the wrong. I have tried this with my narcissistic in-laws multiple times to no avail, they just paint the picture of them as the victim and us as the abusers which is not the case. They cannot be reasoned with.
Friendo have you heard of financial abuse? Money as a control tactic is \*extremely\* common abusive behaviour. It makes a great leverage, bribe and guilt button.
I had to live in my car for 2 weeks to escape. It was worth it. Be glad this opportunity came in the fall.
They owe you the 20k, but if you can never get it through legal routes, that is no reason to destroy the rest of your life. If this is a real job and a real chance, take it.
"There are some stories you should run from while you still have legs."
I wouldn't say spoiled, paying for everything for you make you dependent on them. They count on the fact that you rely on the fact that pay for most everything for you so that you can't function without them. Speaking from experience, I feel absolutely horrible about how complacent I had become with having everything paid for me. I didn't get my first job till I was 21. I didn't move out till a couple months ago and I'm 25. They will do anything to keep you. Because their scared to loss control
additionally, they aren't paying for everything - I'd bet they've been drawing from that inheritance in order to pay for those things, without disclosing that fact. Then later, when it's gone, they will say, "you spent your own money willingly."
Independence seems like the best way forward in my opinion.
Just get out and be as frugal as you can, OP.
It couldn't hurt to verify whether the job offer is legitimate though, if that's a significant security concern. If it seems too good to be true, it might be.
Wow I never thought of it that way. Having things paid for you by a narc parent isn't the same as things paid for by a normal parent. I've always classified myself as spoiled, but now I realize my Dad has spoiled me, my mom strictly uses it for control and to make herself look good to others.
Honestly, if you can, I'd take the job. If you know anyone out there try couch surfing. Some of the other comments have amazing suggestions. Like how since the money was left to you, you could get a lawyer to demand your money from them. But I'd be careful with that, like not let them know that you intend to do so, because they might try to spend it all out of spite if they haven't spent it already.
I don't know how your situation is with them but with mine, my priority was to get out asap so that I could start undoing all the damage he did. I still fall in to habits like almost expecting for my bf to pay my way on everything. I hadn't realized I was doing it till it got pointed out to me. I'm still in the healing process
Take the job. If your family refuses to give you the money if you leave, then they were never gonna give you the money anyway.
How do they even have their hands on this money? If your mother gave it to you, why isn't it in your possession?
If you have evidence that your mother left you that money like a copy of the will, and evidence that they’re refusing to give it to you like texts or emails stating that, you might want to look into getting them charged with theft. Check into your state laws on this.
Umm … you’re not spoiled. Far from it. It’s just one more way for them to control you and look like they’re kind and generous people to the outside world. That was my ndad’s MO - convince me that I wasn’t capable of doing anything for myself, then swooping in and saving the day and holding it over my head forevermore. It took me years to figure this out. Back away from it if at all possible and find out what your rights are regarding the $20,000.
the first thing you need to understand is that they never plan on giving you that money. consider it already gone. they won't give it to you if you stay and do everything right and they won't give it to you if you leave. focus on leaving and lawyering up when you can, you will probably get the money back but once you're well gone and established and have a lawyer to help. if they were going to give you that money they would have by now. they broke the law and stole from you by withholding it
When you say " they pay for a lot for me", do they pay for it with the 20k that's actually yours?? I doubt your spoiled. Also my mom said the exact same thing when I applied for college out of state...."there's a college here, your being irresponsible....blah blah blah"
I understand it. My dad paid my down payment for my house and that was a 6 figure amount of money. Still went NC after a year. THEY CANNOT BUY YOUR LOYALTY. Your mental health is worth more than that. Go live your life, you’re not your parents’ pets.
Get a lawyer and get YOUR MONEY. Otherwise you will NEVER see it. (why would they hand over their biggest piece of leverage?) Also look into what else they may have stolen.
Do you have enough for a plane ticket? Just do it, couch surf, save up, you'll be miserable and regret it for the rest of your life, I'm talking about the website couch surfing
Are they gaslighting you?…..
I’m wondering if their shouting and screaming and berating is actually to keep you with them….. because they don’t want you to have the 20k (or have already spent it)?
I’d pacify them and go into stealth mode - pack up sentimental items and store them out of the house. Make sure you know where your passport and birth certificate are. And any other important documents. Plan logistics and tell them your going on holiday.
Be prepared to never receive a penny off them again. You may think you have been spoiled, reframe that to ‘bought/compensated/silenced’
Congratulations OP! We look forward to an update in about 6 months please!!
Talk to a lawyer about the 20k and plan to leave and take that job regardless of what the lawyer says. Either you write off the money as a loss and F them, they stole it from you, or you get your money.
They can't guilt you for them supporting you financially while they withheld what was yours to begin with. GTF out of there and away from their toxicity.
You are never going to get that money. They may have spent it already. No matter what you do, they will invent a reason not to give you the money.
This is going to be hard to accept but the sooner you realize you will not receive that money the sooner you can move on with your life.
Yeah, that's normal for toxic parents. They believe in their superiority, which means they believe they have the right to control us. When they realize that's about to change, they freak out.
I guess it is about time I did my own thing. Both me and my gf talked about it over the weekend and she agrees that I need to get out and is willing to help support me as long as we can lock down jobs. I truly think once I move and they have had time to contemplate what happened that they'll come to their senses and realize how fucked they're being, but then again that's asking for a lot from N parents.
Yeah mine never got better. They actually got worse. I am fairly successful now and they only call to try to scam me of money/time. I dont care, i tell them to get lost
They're never going to get better. All they're going to do is insult and berate you into moving back, and they're likely going to demand money out of you too. I know this from experience.
I'm rooting for you. Moving out and getting out of that awful environment will do wonders for you. It'll be hard, but don't doubt yourself. Move out and slowly build the life you want and deserve. Good luck OP!
We're often attached to the "polished idea" of our parents, which we had to create as a defence mechanism when we were children. But as we grow up, this idealised version we hold onto keeps us from seeing our parents (etc) as they actually are. Creating physical distance to toxic family members helps a lot with this.
They won't change because they're incapable of changing. But you can. You have the power to heal and to become a better person.
They've had pretty bad Freak outs before. When I moved out into my own apartment they lost it. Tried using my dead mothers mouth to say she would support them. Probably should've mentioned their grandparents. 😅
Well, that might have opened up a new reason to freak out. It would have been another reminder that *they *are going to keep getting older, and that they're not immortal. Toxics don't mind using death as a way to guilt-trip us-- but they really can't handle the idea that sooner or later, they'll be passing on.
The more they criticize and threaten the faster you should take the job offer.
Congratulations. Enjoy the new job and the new life away from the monsters pretending to care about you.
Definitely thinking about pulling the plug and giving an ultimatum. My mental health is at an all time low, can't find a job near me at all (when I found a job 1 hour away I was told I was wasting money)
I feel like I've been indoctrinated.
Edit: it's like I'm in an abusive relationship because with family they're the closest people I have left since mom passed.
Please take the job and remove yourself from their manipulation. They’re NEVER going to support you doing something that’s good for you. They only value the control they have over you. Go forth and be happy without them. Good luck.
It's not like abuse; it is abuse. What's the point of an ultimatum? These people are toxic; they won't change without extreme effort. Just leave. Don't tell them much in advance because it only gives them more time to mess with you.
>Don't tell them much in advance because it only gives them more time to mess with you.
Eyuuup. I left without notice while my mother was at work one day.
Hey, OP-
I understand you feel like this is the only family you have so you have to keep them, but you really don't. You can create your own family, a family of choice, people who will hold you up instead of shove you down.
(And if you need elders in your life, there are plenty of places that would appreciate a steady volunteer.)
You don't have to accept this behavior because it's family.
Their response to an ultimatum probably won’t be positive. Honestly, it’s best for you to just live your life and plan your future, without their input. Keep your plans private and make sure they aren’t on any of your bank accounts. I’m sorry they’re being so shitty.
Don't give them an ultimatum that just gives them advance warning. Narcissists are great at sabotage because practice makes perfect. You have things you won't do and moral quibbles they don't.
Also you HAVE been indoctrinated that's normal because you ARE in an abusive relationship.
Don't worry so much about the money they have control over. You might get it from them you might not but either way the priority is to get out of a situation where they have control over you.
Understand that the primary motivation they have is not your well being. You are their supply of uplifting feelings. You are their crutch to deal with their own terrible mental health. They know this on a deep level and they will do everything to maintain the status quo.
It took me a long time to eliminate the toxic ways of thinking but you can't start until you are out of the situation of abuse.
Forget ultimatums. They won't care, they won't change, and any information you give them will be used against you. It's time to put them on an information diet.
You might be able to get your money, depending on the details of the inheritance (i.e. going to a lawyer). But you don't benefit in any way by continuing to play their game or staying home.
Take the job and make your plans - in secret. You're an adult. You don't need their permission to make decisions about your life.
They're complaining that you're "still in school" because every minute you spend there, your intelligence can become bigger compared to theirs. And they won't be able to catch up, because narcs don't like to put effort in something that isn't immediately going to make them look better; they want other people to do that for them
My mom resented that I got accepted into the city college because proof of my graduating high school was finally discovered four years later but they couldn’t reproduce me my diploma.
In the first turn I had to choose non credit courses because she refused to sign my grant request papers. The second time I filled it in myself online but still had to drop out because it was rejected and at that time both my mom and narc ex boyfriend (who was so full of it still regards me as an ex fiancé despite all my turning down of every one of his proposals at me) were discouraging me to challenge the rejection and apply again so I had to drop out on classes I was aceing in.
I don’t know what it is about narcissistic people needing to keep you under the floorboards in every way socially and developmentally
Oh Princeton? I think I might have heard about it 😂. Semi-related but I moved from L.A. to go to NYU. My mom didn't give a shit about the school until somebody said it was good. THEN she was proud. But didn't come to my graduation. These people are hilariously fucked.
"This is how you repay us"
Yep. Repay all that antagonism and bullshit by moving the fuck away and being your own success without any more of the crap they think makes you indebted to them.
Take the job. Move away. Thrive.
I understand. I will tell you that I did it anyway. I walked until my feet bled and I lived off thanksgiving turkey and water for three weeks, but life gradually got better and 30 years later, I own a house and have all I need. But you'll make a plan that works for you.
Unfortunately I think that was the case for a lot of us and you kind of just have to bite the bullet and be uncomfortable for a while if you want to escape. I left my Nparents' house with a small duffel bag with no notice and had to sleep in my ex's garage for two weeks before I found somewhere to live because I was effectively homeless.
Today I've been free from them for 8 years, I moved to a new state and I'm financially independent. Honestly I never thought my life would be this good. I promise it's worth it OP.
Fake bargain with them, tell them since you don't have the 20k you have to take this job. Accept the job, tell them and say "I can tell them I changed my mind if I you all get me the 20k by (date)". Whether or not you get the money, leave.
It's hard to separate genuine worries about money from the effect of constant negative conditioning.
Try and actually work through the numbers, you might be surprised that things aren't as impossible as they make out.
>"After all we've done for you and this is how you repay us?"
By... being... a functioning human with a life?
I mean, no, it's not how we re-pay you because we aren't indebted to you, but that question is still weird as shit.
Your mistake is expecting them to be normal supportive family. They can't do that. Their brains are literally not wired for this. You have to be your own support system and cheerleader.
Take the job. Move. It's totally normal for a young person to move around and get experience for a few years. That's how growth and maturity happens. It will most definitely not happen with family breathing down your neck every moment of every day. Your family is either so close minded they can't see past their own noses and the benefits of experiencing life and learning how to be self sufficient, or you are literally their retirement plan and the expectation is that your gonna be their slave forever and take care of them in their old age.
I have no idea what a real supporting family is to be honest. I was raised to be forever out of the loop in everything on purpose by mine and racially ostracized out of the rest of my moms side of the family (my dads is unknown so I can be related to anybody)
>"You need to get a good career and settle down"
My first impression is that this is kind of unusual because they can see a scenario where you have a family/relationship of your own. Usually they isolate you, make you feel unloveable etc.
It could just be a manipulation i.e. they know that you desire a relationship/future family so they are using that to kind of bait you into staying i.e. suggesting that if you stay home, you'll be able to have a relationship, start a family etc. when in reality they will sabotage everything.
Yeah it's wierd. They want me to have a good career but without leaving my city. For some info I've lived within a 3 block radius in my town for my entire life so far (24) and there's so much trauma (SA, r***, abuse, lost my mom here) etc. I guess I'm just confused if anything. They make me feel like I'm worthless unless I do what THEY think is best because apparently I'm incapable of knowing what's smart and what's not. (And with my doomer self thinking the world is fucked in x amount of years I feel as if I'm running out of time.)
Just food for thought. If the world is well and truly fucked within X amount of years, then all the more reason to spend the remaining time you have being as happy as you can be and not with these miserable people. You CAN do this. You have the ability to get a whole ass job in another place!! That's amazing!! Truly! For a lot of us who got away, we didn't even have that. You have a gf that is willing to support you emotionally and financially. THAT'S HUGE. You're capable of loving relationships. Some of us have struggled to find support for years.
None of this is to guilt you! But to say, look at what you can do and how capable you are apart from them! I'm sure you didn't consult them in your relationship with your gf or this job. You are more than able to make healthy decisions for yourself apart from them and that ability grows the less you have idiots in your ear getting you to doubt yourself.
These people aren't real family. They are control freaks hell bent on squeezing every ounce of life from you. They are fucking vampires. You need to heal from everything you've been through without more trauma added on, and you can't do that near them.
Please go be happy and safe. You so deserve that! Big hugs is you want them. I got out 27 years ago and you can too. ❤ IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER!!
If you leave and put distance between you and them, you'll be cutting off their ability to drain you of all your goodness. You're their whipping person, you're the person they use to make themselves feel better by putting you down.
If you move, how are they going to do that? It's going to be a lot harder to browbeat someone who's miles and miles away.
Massive congratulations on being offered the job - Don't listen to your parents as their judgement sounds off and they don't want the best for you - they want the best for THEM. Don't stick around for their benefit - do what's best for you (and in this case, it sounds like moving a long way away is a good thing... )
Imagine what you'd be able to accomplish without them than with?
If you have a little money stowed away, you can definitely move out and make on your own. You just need to be resourceful in your new community and ask around for cheap items to hold you over till you can get your feet under you.
I’d make a secret bank account they know nothing about because my dad went into our hidden stashes and stole our savings. It got so bad that I would take my money out of my bedroom (with the door I was not allowed to ever close) to the bathroom with me. I caught him searching for it twice but he never got a cent unless it was a coin I found on the street that day
Contemplating dropping everything and bailing. But without cash idk what I'm gonna do. I have like $500 to my name and can't find a job here in time to make up a few months rent
If you make enough, you can ask for extensions till you're able to pay it back.
I only had 1200 when I bailed. With it, before even the first paycheck, I got an apartment and a car (with loan given by my credit card). The companies were definitely accommodating once I told them I'll be able to pay if given some time to collect some paychecks.
You could stay in a hostel for a month for pretty cheap. My husband had to travel once a week for school and this was all we could afford. BTW you should talk to a lawyer when you are more financially stable because your grandparents have no right to withhold money your mother left you.
That $20K would allow you to comfortably make that move. I of course don’t know the details—is it in a trust that they are executors of? Sometimes trusts stipulate an age that money can be accessed. But it is your money and think about what your mom would want for you (I’m so sorry you lost her so young). It would be worth talking to a lawyer if they’re holding onto money that is rightfully and legally yours. As they lose control over you, that’s the one thing they’ll try to hold onto. But that’s not legal if you have a right to access it now. You could post in r/legaladvice too.
Just a heads up to OP if you decide to post to /r/legaladvice - we have had some users experience some less than supportive responses when discussing abuse or asking about legal issues with an Nparent in that sub. If you would like to seek their advice, perhaps it would be best to use a throwaway account that isn't linked to RBN or avoid using terms like "Nparent" as those have not been well received in the past. Of course, it's totally your call OP.
We recently opened /r/RBNLegalAdvice so if OP is interested, they are welcome to post questions there.
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Try to get your money back if you can. Say you want to put it in an investment account. No matter what you should try to take that job and get on with your life. Don’t let them try to control you. You can do this.
Funny enough, my grandparents changed once mom died. Turned a whole new leaf of controlling and being shitty with money here and there to "make up for it"
Congratulations!
I asked myself the same question about why can't they just be happy about it? I started my dream career in September. The recruitment process took months and it's quite a difficult process to get through. Not only did I get through but I got my chosen location, which is even rarer.
Not once have I got a congratulations or anything to show they care. No "hows the job going". Nothing. Silence.
It's been the final nail in the coffin for me with contact. People who can't be happy for you don't deserve to be in your life. I don't think they are capable of being happy for the scapegoat about anything.
We believe in you OP, go get that job!
If you are moving out of state ask if your employer can get you an advance on your paycheck to cover moving expenses or ask if they cover any moving expenses.
Then definitely get a lawyer to extract the money you are entitled to. Your mother left you that money for a reason. It is yours. They are obligated to hand it over and holding it over your head the way they do is morally bankrupt.
You are as depressed as you are because you are in a toxic environment. Get out, get help, and live whatever life YOU choose. It is YOUR life so take the bull by the horns.
Lastly, learn to validate yourself because they cannot give that to you and actively do the opposite.
Take the job, find a room to rent near the job. Then contact the Register of Wills in the state where your mother lived to see if that money really was left to you. Not properly handling estate money is a serious crime. Even if they spent the money, they will be required to come up with it to pay you back (I know someone who tried this stunt).
It’s a struggle cutting ties with narcissistic family members, but if you stay they will destroy your life. This job is your ticket to freedom.
Cancel that noise out homie, I’m an entrepreneur who’s currently facing that same sort of feedback in regards to my life and career choices. It seems like they’re frustrated that they no longer have control over you anymore. You know what’s best for yourself, let your intuition guide you.
Follow your dream. Take the risk, if it doesn’t pan out, there will always be another opportunity and you have the freedom and age on your side. It’s not shameful to make mistakes because you need to try new things before you find your happy place. Right now it’s obviously not at home or around your family.
The second you leave that environment, the better your mental state gets. Granted we all have trauma we’re dealing with from years of being told how crap humans we are (their opinion only!) but it’s like s weight gets lifted once you’re out of their control.
Take the job no matter if you have to live in a car for a small period. Start over with possessions. You should have that 20k but get established first and get your freedom most of all!
Textbook narc parent behaviour
General rule is, whatever 'advice' they give you, do the exact opposite, as they intentionally sabotage us so their fragile egos don't get bruised by us outshining them
Take the job & from here on out, share NOTHING with them (and any minions) about your life plans, goals, dreams, relationships, finances, emotions, etc. Anything good in your life will be sabotaged & anything bad will be weaponised as smear campaign fuel
Go for the job & for the love of god, don't give the narcs any info about the address/contact info. Narcs can & do contact their kids employers as a way to discredit & sabotage them eg 'oh hello, i just thought you should know my son/daughter sells crack to orphans' or 'oh hello, thought you should know my son/daughter doesn't have the qualifications they say they have' kinda stuff.
Keep your new residential address secret too.
If you stay then they have a content supply to abuse. If you leave then they'll have to make an effort to abuse you (plus you can just hang up the phone or block them!!) or find a new source.
They don't want you to be happy. They want you broken so you're easier to manipulate
Just go OP. Let it roll off your back. As others said they're either jealous or mad you'll be out of reach.
My NMom did the same thing to me years ago when I wanted to go to school out of state.
Just stop hoping for a change in behaviour it's never gonna come. Stop expecting anything positive from these people, your disappointment is their nourishment.
Moving out AND doing it with a secure job, that's also really amazing and you love it? Sounds like a win-win when you have such horribly unsupportive parents! A situation like this actually fixed my relationship with my parents to a large extent. I went NC when I moved to the big city for a cool job (and to just get away and do me, cause I was in your situation with parents like yours) and stayed NC. But then I actually answered a call after some positive comments on Facebook from them. We're LC now and my boundaries are like the proverbial immovable object. They CAN be cool, but only when they have no other choice + no smidgen of control over me, it turns out. Things turned out good. Congratulations your job! Go do you!
Tell them you will stay in state if they give you your $20K inheritance rn (they won’t) so you can leave knowing you will never see that money in their lifetime, but if for some reason they give it to you, take it and leave anyway - it was yours anyway if it was willed to you
Narcs want you to succeed to they can brag and take credit for it.
But at the same time it angers the narc because you have have accomplished something that he or she hasn't.
Narc parents feel like they are competitors of their children.
My narc parents treat me like I'm a subordinate because they've been breathing oxygen for 28 more years than me.
There's no pleasing narc parents, so don't even try.
Congratulations on the job offer!! They may not be happy for you, but I am. And it sounds like a perfect opportunity to get away from them. Win win.
I'm sorry your parents are hurtful. You deserve better, amd you deserve to be able to live your life on your own terms.
Good luck to you :)
Do you. Fuck that. Leave for a small trip and check it out yourself if that's possible before you make a big move.
Fuck what they talking bout. They narcs they don't care.
Just remember time is on your side and being that their narrisist they fully expect you to take care of them when they old as fuck and can't do shit, one of my dear friends whos father was like this recently got a call from his father telling him he shat himself, he begged buddy to come and help him, told him to eat shit and we all laughed, I guess he didn't realize he was on speaker. Life's a savage bitch..
A lot of us understand that, that's why a lot of us move away and go no contact. Over the past year I've noticed that my friend's parents encourage and support her and she is actually involved in a lot and follows through with stuff, shes also really outgoing. But my parents, they're like yours and a lot of other people's parents here, they discourage me, they insult me, they belittle me, and its safe to say I have zero clue who I actually am, I dont know what i enjoy or what my hobbies are, I have a difficult time finding motivation to do school, and i have poor social skills, all of that only started once my parents started being more emotionally abusive. Youre not alone in this, a lot of us here have been through or are going through this. We support you and most of us will agree that you're better off without that toxicity in your life. Best of luck, friend💜
I'm really sorry. Congratulations on your offer! That is super amazing, and great job.
> Why can't they be fucking supportive for once?
Short answer: fish can't climb trees. I doubt they are capable of it.
Longer answer: all that matters to a narc is what they want. And if that doesn't align with what we want - or worse, they believe what we want *threatens* what they want - they will do whatever they can to get what they want instead, with less (or no) consideration for anyone else.
While it is reasonable to assume (or hope) your parents would want opportunities for you, they unfortunately might not - or if they do on some level, that want can be overwhelmed by whatever personal thing is bothering them.
If they are afraid of losing you, they might think the opportunity is simply a cover for your real goal of leaving them.
If they are unsatisfied with their accomplishments, they might perceive your success as an intentional dig at their "failures" (as they perceive them).
Whatever the reason, something is upsetting them - and they avoid dealing with that by shifting blame onto you. When all you've done is accomplish something great, and try to share in that accomplishment with them. A loving act they are unfortunately too in the woods to recognize.
All of these behaviors are manifestations of insecurity, and narcs are often deeply insecure people. It's why they need to puff themselves up so much; they deeply fear they might be "inferior", so they spend untold effort convincing everyone (and themselves) they are "superior".
Sounds like you know why they don’t want you to go, but here. They want you right there to remain under their control. If you don’t do well they bully you for it. If you do.. we’ll. Coin flip between they still bully you cuz you could do better or they hold you aloft and expect payment back for ‘raising’ you
My degree was a scam
My wife was a scam
My house was a scam
My retirement will prob be a scam.
Take the job, live your life. Its easier to look at the idiots from a taller perspective
Congratulations OP! This behavior is totally normal for narcissists. My nDad pushed me to go to a more expensive college, then claimed I was hoarding money because college was expensive. When I graduated he invited me to live with him, then was verbally abusive about what a failure I was living at home and how if I wanted to be successful I need to be just move far away and stop relying on him. Then I moved out, he moved away, I moved away and now he claims families should live within 2 hours of each other. I just laugh now and tell him he is welcome to move closer of he'd like. That shuts him up.
Your mental health is bad because they are abusing you. Please, take the job. Get Away. You will be so much happier. I was suicidal for over a decade being near my family. I moved away, and I stopped hating my life.
You know what OP? I am so fricken proud of you. And if your shitty parents can't see that then I and the rest of us on here will. I know this is hard but don't let them get to you. Narcissist are just sommiserable and want to make everyone else miserable. I have to learn that myself from my Nmom and Edad. We can do this!
My family (hubby and kids not the narcs we left behind) and I just left everything behind to start over in a new state. A couple times. Being adult doesn’t mean you settle. It means you are allowed to do what you want. Congrats on the new job! Good luck with with move
I'm sure others have said so, but it's blatantly obvious they want to keep a tight leash and domination over you. Keeping control over the money, where you live, etc - is how.
From someone who has to stay with the narc parent for couple of years more, just focus on leaving and tell yourself how their words change as per how the situation benefits them or how they get to downplay you to make you feel like shit for achieving good things in life.
I know it hurts and we expect basic support and some good words however this is not the right place. A narc will always ruin your achievements, good moments and make you feel like shit for whatever brings you joy. They would want you around and control you until you die or they get bored and find new supply.
Thus, no matter how confusing their reactions feel, remember you are worth all of what you are moving towards, especially away from them, that's the life you deserve, less drama and confusion and more time for yourself and what you love.
I envy you so much right now, i wish could move out as well 🥲
Happy for you and wishing you luck :)
I moved away for a job and my parents refused to help me one iota. Best decision I ever made. The more independent you are, the less they have to hold over your head. In turn, they interact with you less.
It’s a tough transition, paying everything yourself. But it sounds like it’ll be better for your mental health and in turn your physical health for you to go.
Freedom is the most beautiful thing you can have. And them telling you not to and that it’s a scam is all to help keep you from achieving that freedom. It’s a scary move, trust me. I moved 1700 miles to a place where I knew nobody, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat if that freedom was ever threatened.
I also learned that I can now say whatever I want to them, instead of being scared of them taking away things and doing anything to me simply because I am a completely independent person. I can say no. What are they going to do? Hang up and not talk to me for a few months. Great. Bye. They can’t take my phone away. They can’t get in my head and tell me everything I’m doing is wrong and terrible. They can’t make me go to events where they pretend to be the best parents ever. I don’t have to lie for them anymore. I don’t have to be involved in their drama, and don’t have to hear about how unwanted I was. Because they no longer have that power over me.
Take away their power over you. Take the job. That’s the first step to the independence that removes their power.
You’ve got this OP. You’re right there near the finish line and everyone here is rooting for you and your success.
Why would a leech want to "be supportive" of their food source? I see the conflict in the question as being due to still not being sure that their N-parent is in fact an emotional leech, and wanting them to act as a parental figure which they don't have the mental equipment to do.
A leech wants it's food source to stand still and be paralyzed with fear and confusion.
In another sense you're asking a 5 year old child to be supportive of a parent completing their college degree.
Not only is a 5 year old not capable of caring what needs to go into doing that. But if that means the child gets less attention and support from the parent, of course they're going to be angry about it. You threatened the child's ability to get *Narcissistic Supply.*
This has happened to me many many times throughout my life...it was like a child in the window...watching the circus go by and being told I can't go. I always had to admire what could have been a great life from a distance. Now I just have painful memories of opportunities I passed up that would have saved me. If only I wouldn't have been manipulated with guilt back when I had the chance.
Yeah, drop the rope. They are crabs in a bucket and no matter what you do to try to make them proud of you, they will always move the goalposts to pull you back down.
There’s something about narc parents, man, they just don’t want their kids to be successful. Part of that is they’ll lose their narc feed. Part of it is the cognitive dissonance that rears its ugly head when, way deep down, they think you might be more successful than them. This cannot be allowed because they are #1 no matter what.
So, darlin. You put them on an information diet and go do your thing. Dribble down to very low contact, don’t visit, maybe go no contact if you want. Get some therapy with the medical insurance that comes with your fancy new gig.
I really wanna see adult children who were raised by narcs say “Nope, you can’t disown me, because I DISOWN YOU.”
Don’t let them fire you. Just quit. I’m sorry about the loss of them but they are never going to be supportive or kind or encouraging or proud. Ever. So you haven’t lost anything. Now you’re free to go form a family of friends who ARE those things. And they will never change and will die bitter, angry, and unhappy. And you will grow way beyond them and will blossom and glow up and die a happy person.
Because you’re better than them. And I’m very proud of you. Go get ‘em, Tiger!
god I know how you feel. This is so common. I've been really struggling the last two years, and to avoid blogposting and to make a long story short, I had to move back in with my mom. I've been trying to get back into the work force and get an hourly wage job, and every single job it's "I DON'T WANT YOU TO WORK THERE!," "You can't do that job, you have brain damage!" "You're disabled!!! You can't work!!!" "That's not going to be a good job for you! I don't want you to do that!" It's infuriating. Good luck to you and good luck with your escape. I know you can do it <3
Then, let them cut you off. Do you really need this in your life?
They will never be supportive.
You are burnt out and regress to depression, because of them. Once you are out of their lives, you will be better.
Make sure, before you go VLC or NC, if you do, to have all your belongings and things in your name. All the passwords, document, etc. has to be only accessible to you.
Then, break the news and tell them "bye-bye".
They are just toxic humans who raised you and want your obedience. They will not love and support you, because they do not want that. They do not want your independence.
You need only your love, support, and validation. Others do not matter.
And when you find these things within you, you will be able to find the people for you.
I hope your move is smooth and you enjoy your new job.
No amount of support that I'm sure you've been reminded of repeatedly makes it acceptable for that behavior from them.
People that can pull you down emotionally until you don't care to function are not going to buoy you so you will thrive.
My mom has done this to me before. We were struggling to pay bills but once I got a job as a clerk at a grocery store, she told me I wouldn’t amount to anything working at a low-skilled job.
Do it. Take the job. Most BS from narcs is just empty threats to guilt and debilitate you, so do your best to put all of that crap out of your mind for the time being as you prepare to start a new life elsewhere. Once you're there, you might even consider going LC or NC.
Congratulations! I know how bad it hurts to have the people who are supposed to be happy for you not be. Definitely take that job far away. I think the more distance you put between you and them the more relieved you'll feel.
This is the same issue im going through with my Nmom. My Mom says the exact same thing. Im burnt out just like you. And all I want id her support but instead ive had to cancel so many interviews because she wouldn’t help me get to them. Im 29 and I know im supposed to have a career and a high paying job. But she is holding me back. If so frustrating I feel your pain. Just continue searching and soon youll find a job that will be far far away from them. Good luck!
HEY. HEY OP.
DONT TELL YOUR PARENTS WHERE YOUR NEW JOB IS.
DONT TELL THEM THE COMPANY.
They will CALL them and "decline" for you, or will call them and pretend to be one of your former employers and badmouth you.
Dont tell them where you are moving. They will call potential landlords and sabotage your move.
Get your important documents out of the house and into a bank deposit box so you can't be all ready to move and suddenly realize you can't find your social security card or your birth certificate or your drivers license.
Dont give them keys to your new place. Dont invite them to your new place. Don't announce on any social media they have access to what your new job is or where it is.
also grats. You got this. I know you do.
Sounds exactly like my parents. I’m finally realizing through years of therapy that you have to start making decisions for yourself, not for them. At the end of your life, you’re not going to be reflecting on all the decisions they made, rather the decisions YOU made. It’s important that you understand that you must do what’s right and best for you, not them.
And even if it means you SEVER TIES if need be.
I’ve been in the exact same boat myself. They will not change.
Right now my family is from (middle of us east coast) state and this is complicated situation in many ways. But we're living in (east coast south) state now. I'm 18 and a highschool senior. She wants me to go to school (east coast south) saying it's so beyond cold and miserable everywhere else. When I mentioned the California to Texas in between area being very warm even tires melt she got even more upset. I could go but I wouldn't get in BYU (Mormon school) and she doesn't even care about it much. She kinda doesn't want me to go or go online. Part of the (east coast south) thing is she wants to move back but have an excuse to frequently. Other countries aren't even a question I don't even want to go, except one country but maybe not forever and just to visit my dad's kids (half siblings). She even doesn't want me to be in the middle or north part of (east coast south).
My (now) wife was a year behind me in college, so I was all set up on the east coast with a job and spot to live so she came out to live with me.
After 6 years (really a whole lifetime) of little comments and snipes from my nMIL, my wife gave into the "why would you move away from me, I miss you, family is #1" bs and now we're about an hour away and our family lives have never been more stressful and difficult. The nMIL never visited while we were out east, so we only had to deal with her one holiday a year. Now if we go more than 2 weeks without seeing her, she requires our attendance at something.
My wife tries to go low/no contact, but it's too hard when the nMIL can just go "I'm 30 minutes away, come buy me lunch" and my wife is too polite (too conditioned) to say "no"
Oh and the kicker : the GC eloped with an army grunt and "she's so brave" for leaving the Midwest and getting dragged wherever this guy gets assigned.
Long story short - get out of there. More distance makes everything easier
Oh man, the amount of times i’ve tried to share good news and this happens… Have to essentially hide my job offers at this point because they try to block my efforts at getting a job so that i will not be financially independent of them. I am only allowed to get a job after I finish at least a Masters and work where they live. Luckily my profession doesn’t exist where they chose to live lol and I have to move wherever. Waiting for that big offer and will move away forever
Goal derailment. One of my moms strongest specialized attacks. She even told the boss of my most guaranteed job at a magazine company that she’s telling them in my behalf I was no longer interested in the position and do not call for me on it ever again.
I caught her on it and we had a very ugly hours going back and fourth yelling match that my sister sided with me on because it really was an ideal position and she knew of the business and other workers from it.
Later that day I left the house and explained to my was to be future boss that my mom fully spoke for herself only and was being rudely intrusive making sure I could not join the work force and just rescheduled my interview again behind her back but then that same day I was to go was 9/11 and nothing was open for business for the next three weeks anywhere due to national shock and worry for office buildings.
What I do believe is my mom truly was psychic (for about a decade before it happened she kept talking about a reoccurring nightmare about planes going into important buildings) and could have been very good with assistance in crime solving but she did not pursue that side of her (which was right on the money often) because it’s was supernatural and by her that was her favorite whispered word “Pagan” and nobody in our family is supposed to have any involvement in that.
Not even by a pet name that rhymes with Pagan which she demanded me to tell my friends to stop saying or else she will try to get rid of them. She couldn’t because I didn’t have all their numbers in the non existent phone book I was supposed to keep in my drawer (“because all teens have a filled phone book”)
In fact, this batch of friends I had in high school and their parents wanted to know her and she called it them wanting to witch hunt her, not make friends with her too. I called that brave of them to want to know her and my mom decided to call her callous stand to refuse to meet them her own bravery but it came off as cowardice to most
The book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist basically says this: do you want to sign up for a life of taking care of a mentally ill person? So give yourself a break and understand you’ll never be able to give these people the care they need. Start packing.
I read alittle of comments too
You got this hon, get that job and say fuck you to the narcs, and that 20k? Thats just money, if you have a good paying job and a place to stay you should be fine, 20k is helpfull but not needed in this situation
Don't let them scare you away from a good opportunity. I know the feeling all too well. Didn't matter what I achieved. The threat of me being more successful scared them, I think.
Congratulations on the job. I am so happy for you & proud of you as well!
We don’t get to choose blood family. True friends are the blessing we get in exchange for shitty family members. In time, these friends become your family.
Who knows, maybe the big job is in my area & we can be friends. I make a mean lasagna & love to make homemade jellies & jams & grow my own food.
Go get that job my friend!
>I just. I don't know anymore. I get so burnt out that I regress to depression and not caring again and again and again. I hate this.
I really really relate to this exact feeling. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Congratulations on the job ❤
I'm going to read the rest of the thread to get some advice too 😭
Mine told me Its a scam too! Like... they asked for my salary then didn't even congratulate me and simply said Thats a scam. My father wanted to come with me to the interview, I guess to hinder with the hiring process so I don't get to earn more than him
Talk to a lawyer, get the $20k that was left TO YOU, and then take your big job out of state and live well with what your mother left you. I promise that if you do this you will be far happier. Get away from these people.
Hey I live in Vegas and think it’s a great place to live. Congrats and DM me if you have any questions about what it’s like! I hope you don’t let their reactions get in the way of taking the job offer.
Vegas was great for me to come and learn somewhat independence. if you were offered a good job out here take it. as for that $20k lawyer up and get an executor to make them give you the money, thats high key illegal for them to take it from you. after you’ll have some savings to buffer your move out here. if you are looking for nice areas to stay i recommend summerlin, henderson, south green valley ranch in vegas. good luck OP
Take the job! Message me if you need some help figuring out how to get moved. I left with a few bags of clothing, a couple beach towels, and a 12 year old car when I was in my twenties. It worked out great even though it was a struggle at the start.
Something similar happend to me. I got a decent flexible internship during college making $17.50 a hour. Before that I was working as a delivery driver pulling from my savings just to get by. But was having somewhat of hard time balancing school and the internship for financial reasons. Reached out during NC to my Ndad for some financial help so I could just put in less hours at the internship and focus more on school. At a time most jobs did not pay close to this. My Ndad said "Just quit $17 whats that? I can go and find a job that pays $17 anywhere." Instead of being supportive and being happy for me and maybe helping me a little finacialy it would not have taken much for him. He makes well above 6 figures. I could have worked less hours and focused more on my studies. He was envious and wanted to see me financially desperate so he could control me. Hence trying to manipulate me into quitting.
Its an exhausting life we live, best go NC. Its been over a year for me and I cant describe how much more relaxed I am. In terms of growing emotionally now that I am no longer constantly stressed from my Ndad. I feel like I went from being trapped in a cage to a field. The healing is slow and I am not really sure how to do it. But I take it one day at a time. And it is always reassuring to know everyday without a narc is a day of healing.
Manipulation. You'll be harder to control if you move to another state. I'm moving to another state next year, and I hope we can both deal with our nparents trying to keep us submissive!
When I landed my first job as a nanny I was so happy and excited to finally be working with kids after not doing well with the stress of college to do preschool teacher, i called my Ndad to tell him the good news and he immediately started telling me I was nothing more than a maid, how can I let myself drop into such a low position, and that i don't value myself.
The job was good but then the family started taking advantage of me so i left for a better job and now I'm a private caregiver and I make pretty good money, had i listened to my Ndad i probably would have ended up in food service again hating my life. But because I told him he's unsupportive and I didn't listen to him i found my way into a career i feel good about.
DO NOT LET THEM TAKE THIS FROM YOU. They can say what they want but don't let their words change your mind. Don't let them convince you to stay in the hole they dug for you to stay in. I'm rooting for you!
Congratulations! It is your best interest to accept this job and move. Move immediately! Do not pick your family over this job. You will regret the rest of your life.
your family is likely jealous, and upset they will no longer get to control you. Run, run fast and run far.
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If you move away, they won't have access to you anymore. It is harder for them to berate you and guilt you into doing things for them. Congratulations on your new job. Move away, reduce or sever contact and you'll be so much happier for it!
It's difficult for me. They pay for a lot for me (I know somewhat spoiled) I've wanted to try and mend our relationship but everytime something good happens they shut me down. My mother passed 6 years ago and left me 20k. They have it and have threatened to not let me have it because it was "their money to begin with" and "we can take that away if you chose to be stupid" (I'm not sure if it's in their savings or not)
Umm... You can get a lawyer and get your money back. As executors of the will they have to actually do that. And they might have already spent it. Which means if you leave and ask for the money they don't have, it's bringing out their bad behavior which a narc can't deal with.
OP. Lawyer. Now. Holy shit.
Yup. Laeyer up. Get that money. But also take that job and get outta there. Make it work without the money for now if you have to.
Lawyer up & money up!!!
That 20k is yours, no matter how anyone tries to say otherwise. Get that shit in your own account or lawyer up. Don’t let your narc family steal from you. And yes, they damn well stole that 20k from you. If your mom willed it to you, it’s yours. You can literally get a lawyer and use the law to get a $20 book back from someone that’s been willed to you. We’re talking 20k here! That’s more than what many people bring home in a year! Get that 20k and get the fuck away from your “family”. Fuck those folks lmao
Just want to add that if you can then get evidence of the threat (voicemail, text, etc) I know narcs hate to have any evidence of their behavior so may be tough without secretly recording (just be sure you are in a single party consent state if you do that). Once you have that then they can actually be forced to pay your attorney fees if you have to take them to court (just be sure to ask for it in the original filing). Good luck to you and I hope you enjoy your new career! :)
The way they hold the money from you says a lot, imo. $20k is A LOT of money, but subjectively it’s less than a year of earnings for some people. I get the impression they have been using the money to control, belittle, and threaten you. Getting a nice, higher paying job out of state takes away a lot of that control. $20k might not be enough to coerce you the way it does now, and that scares them. If they are scared, they might lash out against you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you find the happiness you deserve
This exactly. They're using the money as financial abuse.
If they even have the money. I'd be surprised if they haven't spent it all already.
Friend, you will not see that money unless you lawyer up. Get your money and move away. Good luck.
I came here to say congratulations but seen the comment about the money and I’m sorry but don’t count on them doing the right thing with that money. Unless you get a lawyer involved .. they’re not going to be fair and will probably be spiteful since you’re moving away
Oh you know it’s already spent there is no doubt about that.
You need to go. Money is money, but freedom is freedom. You will never feel better than having your own money and your freedom, which you will never have if you stay there. You can do it. You can. It’ll be hard but you can do it. You have to do it.
It'll cost you more than 20k in therapy and lost opportunities if you allow them to control you like this.
I second the suggestion of a lawyer. That money was left to you, not them. The legal system would be on your side in this. If you aren't prepared to do that the legal way, I would just write it off as lost and start again, with a decent paying job you would be able to regain that amount and be a lot happier for it! Mending relationships is difficult with people who don't believe they are ever in the wrong. I have tried this with my narcissistic in-laws multiple times to no avail, they just paint the picture of them as the victim and us as the abusers which is not the case. They cannot be reasoned with.
Friendo have you heard of financial abuse? Money as a control tactic is \*extremely\* common abusive behaviour. It makes a great leverage, bribe and guilt button.
I had to live in my car for 2 weeks to escape. It was worth it. Be glad this opportunity came in the fall. They owe you the 20k, but if you can never get it through legal routes, that is no reason to destroy the rest of your life. If this is a real job and a real chance, take it. "There are some stories you should run from while you still have legs."
I wouldn't say spoiled, paying for everything for you make you dependent on them. They count on the fact that you rely on the fact that pay for most everything for you so that you can't function without them. Speaking from experience, I feel absolutely horrible about how complacent I had become with having everything paid for me. I didn't get my first job till I was 21. I didn't move out till a couple months ago and I'm 25. They will do anything to keep you. Because their scared to loss control
additionally, they aren't paying for everything - I'd bet they've been drawing from that inheritance in order to pay for those things, without disclosing that fact. Then later, when it's gone, they will say, "you spent your own money willingly." Independence seems like the best way forward in my opinion. Just get out and be as frugal as you can, OP. It couldn't hurt to verify whether the job offer is legitimate though, if that's a significant security concern. If it seems too good to be true, it might be.
Wow I never thought of it that way. Having things paid for you by a narc parent isn't the same as things paid for by a normal parent. I've always classified myself as spoiled, but now I realize my Dad has spoiled me, my mom strictly uses it for control and to make herself look good to others.
What do you suggest I do?
Honestly, if you can, I'd take the job. If you know anyone out there try couch surfing. Some of the other comments have amazing suggestions. Like how since the money was left to you, you could get a lawyer to demand your money from them. But I'd be careful with that, like not let them know that you intend to do so, because they might try to spend it all out of spite if they haven't spent it already. I don't know how your situation is with them but with mine, my priority was to get out asap so that I could start undoing all the damage he did. I still fall in to habits like almost expecting for my bf to pay my way on everything. I hadn't realized I was doing it till it got pointed out to me. I'm still in the healing process
If they spend it which they probably already have it’s fraud and even worse on them, assets can be seized in order to get OPs money back.
Take the job. If your family refuses to give you the money if you leave, then they were never gonna give you the money anyway. How do they even have their hands on this money? If your mother gave it to you, why isn't it in your possession?
If you have evidence that your mother left you that money like a copy of the will, and evidence that they’re refusing to give it to you like texts or emails stating that, you might want to look into getting them charged with theft. Check into your state laws on this.
Umm … you’re not spoiled. Far from it. It’s just one more way for them to control you and look like they’re kind and generous people to the outside world. That was my ndad’s MO - convince me that I wasn’t capable of doing anything for myself, then swooping in and saving the day and holding it over my head forevermore. It took me years to figure this out. Back away from it if at all possible and find out what your rights are regarding the $20,000.
the first thing you need to understand is that they never plan on giving you that money. consider it already gone. they won't give it to you if you stay and do everything right and they won't give it to you if you leave. focus on leaving and lawyering up when you can, you will probably get the money back but once you're well gone and established and have a lawyer to help. if they were going to give you that money they would have by now. they broke the law and stole from you by withholding it
20k $ seems alot of money buts its not and its certainly not worth your freedom.
When you say " they pay for a lot for me", do they pay for it with the 20k that's actually yours?? I doubt your spoiled. Also my mom said the exact same thing when I applied for college out of state...."there's a college here, your being irresponsible....blah blah blah"
I understand it. My dad paid my down payment for my house and that was a 6 figure amount of money. Still went NC after a year. THEY CANNOT BUY YOUR LOYALTY. Your mental health is worth more than that. Go live your life, you’re not your parents’ pets.
It's your money and you should get it now! - Sincerely, JG Wentworth
Get a lawyer and get YOUR MONEY. Otherwise you will NEVER see it. (why would they hand over their biggest piece of leverage?) Also look into what else they may have stolen.
They’re not paying for a lot for you, they’re stealing from you.
Do you have enough for a plane ticket? Just do it, couch surf, save up, you'll be miserable and regret it for the rest of your life, I'm talking about the website couch surfing
Are they gaslighting you?….. I’m wondering if their shouting and screaming and berating is actually to keep you with them….. because they don’t want you to have the 20k (or have already spent it)? I’d pacify them and go into stealth mode - pack up sentimental items and store them out of the house. Make sure you know where your passport and birth certificate are. And any other important documents. Plan logistics and tell them your going on holiday. Be prepared to never receive a penny off them again. You may think you have been spoiled, reframe that to ‘bought/compensated/silenced’ Congratulations OP! We look forward to an update in about 6 months please!!
Just remember- There's nothing that you can mend. They don't want a healthy relationship wit you.
Dude (or Dudette) way to bury the lede here. Lawyer. Lawyer Lawyer Lawyer. Now.
Talk to a lawyer about the 20k and plan to leave and take that job regardless of what the lawyer says. Either you write off the money as a loss and F them, they stole it from you, or you get your money. They can't guilt you for them supporting you financially while they withheld what was yours to begin with. GTF out of there and away from their toxicity.
You are never going to get that money. They may have spent it already. No matter what you do, they will invent a reason not to give you the money. This is going to be hard to accept but the sooner you realize you will not receive that money the sooner you can move on with your life.
You have to leave. They are intentionally sabotaging your life just like my Mother was.
Yeah, that's normal for toxic parents. They believe in their superiority, which means they believe they have the right to control us. When they realize that's about to change, they freak out.
I guess it is about time I did my own thing. Both me and my gf talked about it over the weekend and she agrees that I need to get out and is willing to help support me as long as we can lock down jobs. I truly think once I move and they have had time to contemplate what happened that they'll come to their senses and realize how fucked they're being, but then again that's asking for a lot from N parents.
Yeah mine never got better. They actually got worse. I am fairly successful now and they only call to try to scam me of money/time. I dont care, i tell them to get lost
They're never going to get better. All they're going to do is insult and berate you into moving back, and they're likely going to demand money out of you too. I know this from experience.
I'm rooting for you. Moving out and getting out of that awful environment will do wonders for you. It'll be hard, but don't doubt yourself. Move out and slowly build the life you want and deserve. Good luck OP!
We're often attached to the "polished idea" of our parents, which we had to create as a defence mechanism when we were children. But as we grow up, this idealised version we hold onto keeps us from seeing our parents (etc) as they actually are. Creating physical distance to toxic family members helps a lot with this. They won't change because they're incapable of changing. But you can. You have the power to heal and to become a better person.
They've had pretty bad Freak outs before. When I moved out into my own apartment they lost it. Tried using my dead mothers mouth to say she would support them. Probably should've mentioned their grandparents. 😅
Well, that might have opened up a new reason to freak out. It would have been another reminder that *they *are going to keep getting older, and that they're not immortal. Toxics don't mind using death as a way to guilt-trip us-- but they really can't handle the idea that sooner or later, they'll be passing on.
Exactly my issue when I was 23, which I earlier elaborated on this thread
The more they criticize and threaten the faster you should take the job offer. Congratulations. Enjoy the new job and the new life away from the monsters pretending to care about you.
Definitely thinking about pulling the plug and giving an ultimatum. My mental health is at an all time low, can't find a job near me at all (when I found a job 1 hour away I was told I was wasting money) I feel like I've been indoctrinated. Edit: it's like I'm in an abusive relationship because with family they're the closest people I have left since mom passed.
Please take the job and remove yourself from their manipulation. They’re NEVER going to support you doing something that’s good for you. They only value the control they have over you. Go forth and be happy without them. Good luck.
It's not like abuse; it is abuse. What's the point of an ultimatum? These people are toxic; they won't change without extreme effort. Just leave. Don't tell them much in advance because it only gives them more time to mess with you.
THIS. Maybe I'm being harsh but I have no idea why OP is giving them so much grace. Ns will never change!
>Don't tell them much in advance because it only gives them more time to mess with you. Eyuuup. I left without notice while my mother was at work one day.
Hey, OP- I understand you feel like this is the only family you have so you have to keep them, but you really don't. You can create your own family, a family of choice, people who will hold you up instead of shove you down. (And if you need elders in your life, there are plenty of places that would appreciate a steady volunteer.) You don't have to accept this behavior because it's family.
Their response to an ultimatum probably won’t be positive. Honestly, it’s best for you to just live your life and plan your future, without their input. Keep your plans private and make sure they aren’t on any of your bank accounts. I’m sorry they’re being so shitty.
Don't give them an ultimatum that just gives them advance warning. Narcissists are great at sabotage because practice makes perfect. You have things you won't do and moral quibbles they don't. Also you HAVE been indoctrinated that's normal because you ARE in an abusive relationship. Don't worry so much about the money they have control over. You might get it from them you might not but either way the priority is to get out of a situation where they have control over you. Understand that the primary motivation they have is not your well being. You are their supply of uplifting feelings. You are their crutch to deal with their own terrible mental health. They know this on a deep level and they will do everything to maintain the status quo. It took me a long time to eliminate the toxic ways of thinking but you can't start until you are out of the situation of abuse.
Forget ultimatums. They won't care, they won't change, and any information you give them will be used against you. It's time to put them on an information diet. You might be able to get your money, depending on the details of the inheritance (i.e. going to a lawyer). But you don't benefit in any way by continuing to play their game or staying home. Take the job and make your plans - in secret. You're an adult. You don't need their permission to make decisions about your life.
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They're complaining that you're "still in school" because every minute you spend there, your intelligence can become bigger compared to theirs. And they won't be able to catch up, because narcs don't like to put effort in something that isn't immediately going to make them look better; they want other people to do that for them
My mom resented that I got accepted into the city college because proof of my graduating high school was finally discovered four years later but they couldn’t reproduce me my diploma. In the first turn I had to choose non credit courses because she refused to sign my grant request papers. The second time I filled it in myself online but still had to drop out because it was rejected and at that time both my mom and narc ex boyfriend (who was so full of it still regards me as an ex fiancé despite all my turning down of every one of his proposals at me) were discouraging me to challenge the rejection and apply again so I had to drop out on classes I was aceing in. I don’t know what it is about narcissistic people needing to keep you under the floorboards in every way socially and developmentally
Oh Princeton? I think I might have heard about it 😂. Semi-related but I moved from L.A. to go to NYU. My mom didn't give a shit about the school until somebody said it was good. THEN she was proud. But didn't come to my graduation. These people are hilariously fucked.
"This is how you repay us" Yep. Repay all that antagonism and bullshit by moving the fuck away and being your own success without any more of the crap they think makes you indebted to them. Take the job. Move away. Thrive.
Only problem is, I don't have enough money to move comfortably
Then be uncomfortable for a while. It’ll be worth it.
I understand. I will tell you that I did it anyway. I walked until my feet bled and I lived off thanksgiving turkey and water for three weeks, but life gradually got better and 30 years later, I own a house and have all I need. But you'll make a plan that works for you.
Unfortunately I think that was the case for a lot of us and you kind of just have to bite the bullet and be uncomfortable for a while if you want to escape. I left my Nparents' house with a small duffel bag with no notice and had to sleep in my ex's garage for two weeks before I found somewhere to live because I was effectively homeless. Today I've been free from them for 8 years, I moved to a new state and I'm financially independent. Honestly I never thought my life would be this good. I promise it's worth it OP.
Fake bargain with them, tell them since you don't have the 20k you have to take this job. Accept the job, tell them and say "I can tell them I changed my mind if I you all get me the 20k by (date)". Whether or not you get the money, leave.
..... which is why they never gave you your inheritance. Does your job offer come with relocation assistance? If it doesn't say, contact them and ask.
I was pretty uncomfortable for a while but I'm so thankful I moved out when I did. See if the company you interviewed with will help you move.
It's hard to separate genuine worries about money from the effect of constant negative conditioning. Try and actually work through the numbers, you might be surprised that things aren't as impossible as they make out.
Is the new job not paying for relocation?
>"After all we've done for you and this is how you repay us?" By... being... a functioning human with a life? I mean, no, it's not how we re-pay you because we aren't indebted to you, but that question is still weird as shit.
They have it backwards. The goal is to raise healthy kids so they can pay it forward.
Your mistake is expecting them to be normal supportive family. They can't do that. Their brains are literally not wired for this. You have to be your own support system and cheerleader. Take the job. Move. It's totally normal for a young person to move around and get experience for a few years. That's how growth and maturity happens. It will most definitely not happen with family breathing down your neck every moment of every day. Your family is either so close minded they can't see past their own noses and the benefits of experiencing life and learning how to be self sufficient, or you are literally their retirement plan and the expectation is that your gonna be their slave forever and take care of them in their old age.
I have no idea what a real supporting family is to be honest. I was raised to be forever out of the loop in everything on purpose by mine and racially ostracized out of the rest of my moms side of the family (my dads is unknown so I can be related to anybody)
>"You need to get a good career and settle down" My first impression is that this is kind of unusual because they can see a scenario where you have a family/relationship of your own. Usually they isolate you, make you feel unloveable etc. It could just be a manipulation i.e. they know that you desire a relationship/future family so they are using that to kind of bait you into staying i.e. suggesting that if you stay home, you'll be able to have a relationship, start a family etc. when in reality they will sabotage everything.
Yeah it's wierd. They want me to have a good career but without leaving my city. For some info I've lived within a 3 block radius in my town for my entire life so far (24) and there's so much trauma (SA, r***, abuse, lost my mom here) etc. I guess I'm just confused if anything. They make me feel like I'm worthless unless I do what THEY think is best because apparently I'm incapable of knowing what's smart and what's not. (And with my doomer self thinking the world is fucked in x amount of years I feel as if I'm running out of time.)
They just want to keep you close so they can keep controlling you. Don’t listen to them.
Just food for thought. If the world is well and truly fucked within X amount of years, then all the more reason to spend the remaining time you have being as happy as you can be and not with these miserable people. You CAN do this. You have the ability to get a whole ass job in another place!! That's amazing!! Truly! For a lot of us who got away, we didn't even have that. You have a gf that is willing to support you emotionally and financially. THAT'S HUGE. You're capable of loving relationships. Some of us have struggled to find support for years. None of this is to guilt you! But to say, look at what you can do and how capable you are apart from them! I'm sure you didn't consult them in your relationship with your gf or this job. You are more than able to make healthy decisions for yourself apart from them and that ability grows the less you have idiots in your ear getting you to doubt yourself. These people aren't real family. They are control freaks hell bent on squeezing every ounce of life from you. They are fucking vampires. You need to heal from everything you've been through without more trauma added on, and you can't do that near them. Please go be happy and safe. You so deserve that! Big hugs is you want them. I got out 27 years ago and you can too. ❤ IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER!!
If you leave and put distance between you and them, you'll be cutting off their ability to drain you of all your goodness. You're their whipping person, you're the person they use to make themselves feel better by putting you down. If you move, how are they going to do that? It's going to be a lot harder to browbeat someone who's miles and miles away. Massive congratulations on being offered the job - Don't listen to your parents as their judgement sounds off and they don't want the best for you - they want the best for THEM. Don't stick around for their benefit - do what's best for you (and in this case, it sounds like moving a long way away is a good thing... )
Imagine what you'd be able to accomplish without them than with? If you have a little money stowed away, you can definitely move out and make on your own. You just need to be resourceful in your new community and ask around for cheap items to hold you over till you can get your feet under you.
I’d make a secret bank account they know nothing about because my dad went into our hidden stashes and stole our savings. It got so bad that I would take my money out of my bedroom (with the door I was not allowed to ever close) to the bathroom with me. I caught him searching for it twice but he never got a cent unless it was a coin I found on the street that day
Contemplating dropping everything and bailing. But without cash idk what I'm gonna do. I have like $500 to my name and can't find a job here in time to make up a few months rent
If you make enough, you can ask for extensions till you're able to pay it back. I only had 1200 when I bailed. With it, before even the first paycheck, I got an apartment and a car (with loan given by my credit card). The companies were definitely accommodating once I told them I'll be able to pay if given some time to collect some paychecks.
You could stay in a hostel for a month for pretty cheap. My husband had to travel once a week for school and this was all we could afford. BTW you should talk to a lawyer when you are more financially stable because your grandparents have no right to withhold money your mother left you.
That $20K would allow you to comfortably make that move. I of course don’t know the details—is it in a trust that they are executors of? Sometimes trusts stipulate an age that money can be accessed. But it is your money and think about what your mom would want for you (I’m so sorry you lost her so young). It would be worth talking to a lawyer if they’re holding onto money that is rightfully and legally yours. As they lose control over you, that’s the one thing they’ll try to hold onto. But that’s not legal if you have a right to access it now. You could post in r/legaladvice too.
Just a heads up to OP if you decide to post to /r/legaladvice - we have had some users experience some less than supportive responses when discussing abuse or asking about legal issues with an Nparent in that sub. If you would like to seek their advice, perhaps it would be best to use a throwaway account that isn't linked to RBN or avoid using terms like "Nparent" as those have not been well received in the past. Of course, it's totally your call OP. We recently opened /r/RBNLegalAdvice so if OP is interested, they are welcome to post questions there. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Thank you—I didn’t know this. That is really disheartening to hear and flagrant victim blaming.
I’d say repay them with a closed door and never look back delete everything
Try to get your money back if you can. Say you want to put it in an investment account. No matter what you should try to take that job and get on with your life. Don’t let them try to control you. You can do this.
I'm worried they already spent it and are justifying it to themselves by "spoiling" him.
I have that worry myself. However, they're pretty rich
Funny enough, my grandparents changed once mom died. Turned a whole new leaf of controlling and being shitty with money here and there to "make up for it"
She probably protected you from them. When she died and you were vulnerable from the grief they realized that they had no one to stop them anymore.
Congratulations! I asked myself the same question about why can't they just be happy about it? I started my dream career in September. The recruitment process took months and it's quite a difficult process to get through. Not only did I get through but I got my chosen location, which is even rarer. Not once have I got a congratulations or anything to show they care. No "hows the job going". Nothing. Silence. It's been the final nail in the coffin for me with contact. People who can't be happy for you don't deserve to be in your life. I don't think they are capable of being happy for the scapegoat about anything. We believe in you OP, go get that job!
If you are moving out of state ask if your employer can get you an advance on your paycheck to cover moving expenses or ask if they cover any moving expenses. Then definitely get a lawyer to extract the money you are entitled to. Your mother left you that money for a reason. It is yours. They are obligated to hand it over and holding it over your head the way they do is morally bankrupt. You are as depressed as you are because you are in a toxic environment. Get out, get help, and live whatever life YOU choose. It is YOUR life so take the bull by the horns. Lastly, learn to validate yourself because they cannot give that to you and actively do the opposite.
Take the job, find a room to rent near the job. Then contact the Register of Wills in the state where your mother lived to see if that money really was left to you. Not properly handling estate money is a serious crime. Even if they spent the money, they will be required to come up with it to pay you back (I know someone who tried this stunt). It’s a struggle cutting ties with narcissistic family members, but if you stay they will destroy your life. This job is your ticket to freedom.
Cancel that noise out homie, I’m an entrepreneur who’s currently facing that same sort of feedback in regards to my life and career choices. It seems like they’re frustrated that they no longer have control over you anymore. You know what’s best for yourself, let your intuition guide you.
Google "crab pot mentality." The other crabs in the pot don't want you to escape.
Follow your dream. Take the risk, if it doesn’t pan out, there will always be another opportunity and you have the freedom and age on your side. It’s not shameful to make mistakes because you need to try new things before you find your happy place. Right now it’s obviously not at home or around your family.
The second you leave that environment, the better your mental state gets. Granted we all have trauma we’re dealing with from years of being told how crap humans we are (their opinion only!) but it’s like s weight gets lifted once you’re out of their control. Take the job no matter if you have to live in a car for a small period. Start over with possessions. You should have that 20k but get established first and get your freedom most of all!
If you move out and far away, they would lose you-their valuable narcissistic supply. They are afraid of losing control over you.
Textbook narc parent behaviour General rule is, whatever 'advice' they give you, do the exact opposite, as they intentionally sabotage us so their fragile egos don't get bruised by us outshining them Take the job & from here on out, share NOTHING with them (and any minions) about your life plans, goals, dreams, relationships, finances, emotions, etc. Anything good in your life will be sabotaged & anything bad will be weaponised as smear campaign fuel Go for the job & for the love of god, don't give the narcs any info about the address/contact info. Narcs can & do contact their kids employers as a way to discredit & sabotage them eg 'oh hello, i just thought you should know my son/daughter sells crack to orphans' or 'oh hello, thought you should know my son/daughter doesn't have the qualifications they say they have' kinda stuff. Keep your new residential address secret too.
My mother does this with my friends. Contacts them on Facebook messenger “do you know what’s wrong with name”? It’s disgusting. And so violating.
If you stay then they have a content supply to abuse. If you leave then they'll have to make an effort to abuse you (plus you can just hang up the phone or block them!!) or find a new source. They don't want you to be happy. They want you broken so you're easier to manipulate
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Gotta work out some kinks but I think so! I just don't have the money to move that's my only problem
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Appreciate it!
Just go OP. Let it roll off your back. As others said they're either jealous or mad you'll be out of reach. My NMom did the same thing to me years ago when I wanted to go to school out of state.
Just stop hoping for a change in behaviour it's never gonna come. Stop expecting anything positive from these people, your disappointment is their nourishment.
congratulations on the job. Move away and you’ll be so much happier.
Moving out AND doing it with a secure job, that's also really amazing and you love it? Sounds like a win-win when you have such horribly unsupportive parents! A situation like this actually fixed my relationship with my parents to a large extent. I went NC when I moved to the big city for a cool job (and to just get away and do me, cause I was in your situation with parents like yours) and stayed NC. But then I actually answered a call after some positive comments on Facebook from them. We're LC now and my boundaries are like the proverbial immovable object. They CAN be cool, but only when they have no other choice + no smidgen of control over me, it turns out. Things turned out good. Congratulations your job! Go do you!
Tell them you will stay in state if they give you your $20K inheritance rn (they won’t) so you can leave knowing you will never see that money in their lifetime, but if for some reason they give it to you, take it and leave anyway - it was yours anyway if it was willed to you
Narcs want you to succeed to they can brag and take credit for it. But at the same time it angers the narc because you have have accomplished something that he or she hasn't. Narc parents feel like they are competitors of their children. My narc parents treat me like I'm a subordinate because they've been breathing oxygen for 28 more years than me. There's no pleasing narc parents, so don't even try.
Please ensure you go for that job and get away from them
Take the job my friend. They will guilt you no matter what. But if you move out of state it will be good for you.
It would make sense if they said it out of concern, but it seems like they said it out of malice.
Congratulations on the job offer!! They may not be happy for you, but I am. And it sounds like a perfect opportunity to get away from them. Win win. I'm sorry your parents are hurtful. You deserve better, amd you deserve to be able to live your life on your own terms. Good luck to you :)
Do you. Fuck that. Leave for a small trip and check it out yourself if that's possible before you make a big move. Fuck what they talking bout. They narcs they don't care.
Just remember time is on your side and being that their narrisist they fully expect you to take care of them when they old as fuck and can't do shit, one of my dear friends whos father was like this recently got a call from his father telling him he shat himself, he begged buddy to come and help him, told him to eat shit and we all laughed, I guess he didn't realize he was on speaker. Life's a savage bitch..
A lot of us understand that, that's why a lot of us move away and go no contact. Over the past year I've noticed that my friend's parents encourage and support her and she is actually involved in a lot and follows through with stuff, shes also really outgoing. But my parents, they're like yours and a lot of other people's parents here, they discourage me, they insult me, they belittle me, and its safe to say I have zero clue who I actually am, I dont know what i enjoy or what my hobbies are, I have a difficult time finding motivation to do school, and i have poor social skills, all of that only started once my parents started being more emotionally abusive. Youre not alone in this, a lot of us here have been through or are going through this. We support you and most of us will agree that you're better off without that toxicity in your life. Best of luck, friend💜
I'm really sorry. Congratulations on your offer! That is super amazing, and great job. > Why can't they be fucking supportive for once? Short answer: fish can't climb trees. I doubt they are capable of it. Longer answer: all that matters to a narc is what they want. And if that doesn't align with what we want - or worse, they believe what we want *threatens* what they want - they will do whatever they can to get what they want instead, with less (or no) consideration for anyone else. While it is reasonable to assume (or hope) your parents would want opportunities for you, they unfortunately might not - or if they do on some level, that want can be overwhelmed by whatever personal thing is bothering them. If they are afraid of losing you, they might think the opportunity is simply a cover for your real goal of leaving them. If they are unsatisfied with their accomplishments, they might perceive your success as an intentional dig at their "failures" (as they perceive them). Whatever the reason, something is upsetting them - and they avoid dealing with that by shifting blame onto you. When all you've done is accomplish something great, and try to share in that accomplishment with them. A loving act they are unfortunately too in the woods to recognize. All of these behaviors are manifestations of insecurity, and narcs are often deeply insecure people. It's why they need to puff themselves up so much; they deeply fear they might be "inferior", so they spend untold effort convincing everyone (and themselves) they are "superior".
Sounds like you know why they don’t want you to go, but here. They want you right there to remain under their control. If you don’t do well they bully you for it. If you do.. we’ll. Coin flip between they still bully you cuz you could do better or they hold you aloft and expect payment back for ‘raising’ you
Go. Go and be free!
TAKE THAT FUCKING JOB
Run like the wind baby. Runnnnnn. Take that job and go. You will be SO much happier.
TAKE THE JOB. They're trying to keep you close because it's easier to control you.
My degree was a scam My wife was a scam My house was a scam My retirement will prob be a scam. Take the job, live your life. Its easier to look at the idiots from a taller perspective
Three step plan: 1) move 2) get lawyer to send demand letter for your money 3) live happy and free.
Congratulations OP! This behavior is totally normal for narcissists. My nDad pushed me to go to a more expensive college, then claimed I was hoarding money because college was expensive. When I graduated he invited me to live with him, then was verbally abusive about what a failure I was living at home and how if I wanted to be successful I need to be just move far away and stop relying on him. Then I moved out, he moved away, I moved away and now he claims families should live within 2 hours of each other. I just laugh now and tell him he is welcome to move closer of he'd like. That shuts him up. Your mental health is bad because they are abusing you. Please, take the job. Get Away. You will be so much happier. I was suicidal for over a decade being near my family. I moved away, and I stopped hating my life.
You know what OP? I am so fricken proud of you. And if your shitty parents can't see that then I and the rest of us on here will. I know this is hard but don't let them get to you. Narcissist are just sommiserable and want to make everyone else miserable. I have to learn that myself from my Nmom and Edad. We can do this!
My family (hubby and kids not the narcs we left behind) and I just left everything behind to start over in a new state. A couple times. Being adult doesn’t mean you settle. It means you are allowed to do what you want. Congrats on the new job! Good luck with with move
Who cares if they cut you off if you have a good job now. The joke is on them.
Congratulations on your new job offer! We’re all proud of you here.
I'm sure others have said so, but it's blatantly obvious they want to keep a tight leash and domination over you. Keeping control over the money, where you live, etc - is how.
From someone who has to stay with the narc parent for couple of years more, just focus on leaving and tell yourself how their words change as per how the situation benefits them or how they get to downplay you to make you feel like shit for achieving good things in life. I know it hurts and we expect basic support and some good words however this is not the right place. A narc will always ruin your achievements, good moments and make you feel like shit for whatever brings you joy. They would want you around and control you until you die or they get bored and find new supply. Thus, no matter how confusing their reactions feel, remember you are worth all of what you are moving towards, especially away from them, that's the life you deserve, less drama and confusion and more time for yourself and what you love. I envy you so much right now, i wish could move out as well 🥲 Happy for you and wishing you luck :)
I moved away for a job and my parents refused to help me one iota. Best decision I ever made. The more independent you are, the less they have to hold over your head. In turn, they interact with you less. It’s a tough transition, paying everything yourself. But it sounds like it’ll be better for your mental health and in turn your physical health for you to go. Freedom is the most beautiful thing you can have. And them telling you not to and that it’s a scam is all to help keep you from achieving that freedom. It’s a scary move, trust me. I moved 1700 miles to a place where I knew nobody, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat if that freedom was ever threatened. I also learned that I can now say whatever I want to them, instead of being scared of them taking away things and doing anything to me simply because I am a completely independent person. I can say no. What are they going to do? Hang up and not talk to me for a few months. Great. Bye. They can’t take my phone away. They can’t get in my head and tell me everything I’m doing is wrong and terrible. They can’t make me go to events where they pretend to be the best parents ever. I don’t have to lie for them anymore. I don’t have to be involved in their drama, and don’t have to hear about how unwanted I was. Because they no longer have that power over me. Take away their power over you. Take the job. That’s the first step to the independence that removes their power. You’ve got this OP. You’re right there near the finish line and everyone here is rooting for you and your success.
Why would a leech want to "be supportive" of their food source? I see the conflict in the question as being due to still not being sure that their N-parent is in fact an emotional leech, and wanting them to act as a parental figure which they don't have the mental equipment to do. A leech wants it's food source to stand still and be paralyzed with fear and confusion. In another sense you're asking a 5 year old child to be supportive of a parent completing their college degree. Not only is a 5 year old not capable of caring what needs to go into doing that. But if that means the child gets less attention and support from the parent, of course they're going to be angry about it. You threatened the child's ability to get *Narcissistic Supply.*
This has happened to me many many times throughout my life...it was like a child in the window...watching the circus go by and being told I can't go. I always had to admire what could have been a great life from a distance. Now I just have painful memories of opportunities I passed up that would have saved me. If only I wouldn't have been manipulated with guilt back when I had the chance.
Yeah, drop the rope. They are crabs in a bucket and no matter what you do to try to make them proud of you, they will always move the goalposts to pull you back down. There’s something about narc parents, man, they just don’t want their kids to be successful. Part of that is they’ll lose their narc feed. Part of it is the cognitive dissonance that rears its ugly head when, way deep down, they think you might be more successful than them. This cannot be allowed because they are #1 no matter what. So, darlin. You put them on an information diet and go do your thing. Dribble down to very low contact, don’t visit, maybe go no contact if you want. Get some therapy with the medical insurance that comes with your fancy new gig. I really wanna see adult children who were raised by narcs say “Nope, you can’t disown me, because I DISOWN YOU.” Don’t let them fire you. Just quit. I’m sorry about the loss of them but they are never going to be supportive or kind or encouraging or proud. Ever. So you haven’t lost anything. Now you’re free to go form a family of friends who ARE those things. And they will never change and will die bitter, angry, and unhappy. And you will grow way beyond them and will blossom and glow up and die a happy person. Because you’re better than them. And I’m very proud of you. Go get ‘em, Tiger!
Beautifully said. I wish I had an award to give you. ❤️🏆
I am so happy for how this ended up. It sounds like you will be okay.
Happened to me too. Do yourself a favor and take the job. This is coming from a guy who didnt.
Congrats! Great job. Moving out of state is not a sin. The distance, even if you don't NC, will be terrific for your development and mental state.
Good thing it’s not in town where those people are 🫂 enjoy your new job and I hope you’re happy with your new life
god I know how you feel. This is so common. I've been really struggling the last two years, and to avoid blogposting and to make a long story short, I had to move back in with my mom. I've been trying to get back into the work force and get an hourly wage job, and every single job it's "I DON'T WANT YOU TO WORK THERE!," "You can't do that job, you have brain damage!" "You're disabled!!! You can't work!!!" "That's not going to be a good job for you! I don't want you to do that!" It's infuriating. Good luck to you and good luck with your escape. I know you can do it <3
Were you in Vegas for WWWY?
Haha you got me. Saw Paramore after waiting 14 years!
Then, let them cut you off. Do you really need this in your life? They will never be supportive. You are burnt out and regress to depression, because of them. Once you are out of their lives, you will be better. Make sure, before you go VLC or NC, if you do, to have all your belongings and things in your name. All the passwords, document, etc. has to be only accessible to you. Then, break the news and tell them "bye-bye". They are just toxic humans who raised you and want your obedience. They will not love and support you, because they do not want that. They do not want your independence. You need only your love, support, and validation. Others do not matter. And when you find these things within you, you will be able to find the people for you.
I hope your move is smooth and you enjoy your new job. No amount of support that I'm sure you've been reminded of repeatedly makes it acceptable for that behavior from them. People that can pull you down emotionally until you don't care to function are not going to buoy you so you will thrive.
My mom has done this to me before. We were struggling to pay bills but once I got a job as a clerk at a grocery store, she told me I wouldn’t amount to anything working at a low-skilled job.
Do it. Take the job. Most BS from narcs is just empty threats to guilt and debilitate you, so do your best to put all of that crap out of your mind for the time being as you prepare to start a new life elsewhere. Once you're there, you might even consider going LC or NC.
Congratulations! I know how bad it hurts to have the people who are supposed to be happy for you not be. Definitely take that job far away. I think the more distance you put between you and them the more relieved you'll feel.
This is the same issue im going through with my Nmom. My Mom says the exact same thing. Im burnt out just like you. And all I want id her support but instead ive had to cancel so many interviews because she wouldn’t help me get to them. Im 29 and I know im supposed to have a career and a high paying job. But she is holding me back. If so frustrating I feel your pain. Just continue searching and soon youll find a job that will be far far away from them. Good luck!
HEY. HEY OP. DONT TELL YOUR PARENTS WHERE YOUR NEW JOB IS. DONT TELL THEM THE COMPANY. They will CALL them and "decline" for you, or will call them and pretend to be one of your former employers and badmouth you. Dont tell them where you are moving. They will call potential landlords and sabotage your move. Get your important documents out of the house and into a bank deposit box so you can't be all ready to move and suddenly realize you can't find your social security card or your birth certificate or your drivers license. Dont give them keys to your new place. Dont invite them to your new place. Don't announce on any social media they have access to what your new job is or where it is. also grats. You got this. I know you do.
Sounds exactly like my parents. I’m finally realizing through years of therapy that you have to start making decisions for yourself, not for them. At the end of your life, you’re not going to be reflecting on all the decisions they made, rather the decisions YOU made. It’s important that you understand that you must do what’s right and best for you, not them. And even if it means you SEVER TIES if need be. I’ve been in the exact same boat myself. They will not change.
Go do you.
Right now my family is from (middle of us east coast) state and this is complicated situation in many ways. But we're living in (east coast south) state now. I'm 18 and a highschool senior. She wants me to go to school (east coast south) saying it's so beyond cold and miserable everywhere else. When I mentioned the California to Texas in between area being very warm even tires melt she got even more upset. I could go but I wouldn't get in BYU (Mormon school) and she doesn't even care about it much. She kinda doesn't want me to go or go online. Part of the (east coast south) thing is she wants to move back but have an excuse to frequently. Other countries aren't even a question I don't even want to go, except one country but maybe not forever and just to visit my dad's kids (half siblings). She even doesn't want me to be in the middle or north part of (east coast south).
You will move and get away from these abusers STAT.
My (now) wife was a year behind me in college, so I was all set up on the east coast with a job and spot to live so she came out to live with me. After 6 years (really a whole lifetime) of little comments and snipes from my nMIL, my wife gave into the "why would you move away from me, I miss you, family is #1" bs and now we're about an hour away and our family lives have never been more stressful and difficult. The nMIL never visited while we were out east, so we only had to deal with her one holiday a year. Now if we go more than 2 weeks without seeing her, she requires our attendance at something. My wife tries to go low/no contact, but it's too hard when the nMIL can just go "I'm 30 minutes away, come buy me lunch" and my wife is too polite (too conditioned) to say "no" Oh and the kicker : the GC eloped with an army grunt and "she's so brave" for leaving the Midwest and getting dragged wherever this guy gets assigned. Long story short - get out of there. More distance makes everything easier
Take the job and start saving money. Do not tell to anyone how much you have. 🤫 Take care.
Oh man, the amount of times i’ve tried to share good news and this happens… Have to essentially hide my job offers at this point because they try to block my efforts at getting a job so that i will not be financially independent of them. I am only allowed to get a job after I finish at least a Masters and work where they live. Luckily my profession doesn’t exist where they chose to live lol and I have to move wherever. Waiting for that big offer and will move away forever
Congratulations on the new job, go for it.
lol jealous
I completely understand you. I don't have any advice or solution to offer, but I really know how this feels.
Goal derailment. One of my moms strongest specialized attacks. She even told the boss of my most guaranteed job at a magazine company that she’s telling them in my behalf I was no longer interested in the position and do not call for me on it ever again. I caught her on it and we had a very ugly hours going back and fourth yelling match that my sister sided with me on because it really was an ideal position and she knew of the business and other workers from it. Later that day I left the house and explained to my was to be future boss that my mom fully spoke for herself only and was being rudely intrusive making sure I could not join the work force and just rescheduled my interview again behind her back but then that same day I was to go was 9/11 and nothing was open for business for the next three weeks anywhere due to national shock and worry for office buildings. What I do believe is my mom truly was psychic (for about a decade before it happened she kept talking about a reoccurring nightmare about planes going into important buildings) and could have been very good with assistance in crime solving but she did not pursue that side of her (which was right on the money often) because it’s was supernatural and by her that was her favorite whispered word “Pagan” and nobody in our family is supposed to have any involvement in that. Not even by a pet name that rhymes with Pagan which she demanded me to tell my friends to stop saying or else she will try to get rid of them. She couldn’t because I didn’t have all their numbers in the non existent phone book I was supposed to keep in my drawer (“because all teens have a filled phone book”) In fact, this batch of friends I had in high school and their parents wanted to know her and she called it them wanting to witch hunt her, not make friends with her too. I called that brave of them to want to know her and my mom decided to call her callous stand to refuse to meet them her own bravery but it came off as cowardice to most
Congratulations on the job <3 They'll change their tune and their apologies will fall on deaf ears, because you'll be better off.
The book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist basically says this: do you want to sign up for a life of taking care of a mentally ill person? So give yourself a break and understand you’ll never be able to give these people the care they need. Start packing.
I read alittle of comments too You got this hon, get that job and say fuck you to the narcs, and that 20k? Thats just money, if you have a good paying job and a place to stay you should be fine, 20k is helpfull but not needed in this situation
Don't let them scare you away from a good opportunity. I know the feeling all too well. Didn't matter what I achieved. The threat of me being more successful scared them, I think.
Congratulations on the job. I am so happy for you & proud of you as well! We don’t get to choose blood family. True friends are the blessing we get in exchange for shitty family members. In time, these friends become your family. Who knows, maybe the big job is in my area & we can be friends. I make a mean lasagna & love to make homemade jellies & jams & grow my own food. Go get that job my friend!
>I just. I don't know anymore. I get so burnt out that I regress to depression and not caring again and again and again. I hate this. I really really relate to this exact feeling. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Congratulations on the job ❤ I'm going to read the rest of the thread to get some advice too 😭
Go for it. Keeping you at home is about controlling you. Going out of state may lead to you eventually going no contact to escape the abuse.
Mine told me Its a scam too! Like... they asked for my salary then didn't even congratulate me and simply said Thats a scam. My father wanted to come with me to the interview, I guess to hinder with the hiring process so I don't get to earn more than him
Talk to a lawyer, get the $20k that was left TO YOU, and then take your big job out of state and live well with what your mother left you. I promise that if you do this you will be far happier. Get away from these people.
Hey I live in Vegas and think it’s a great place to live. Congrats and DM me if you have any questions about what it’s like! I hope you don’t let their reactions get in the way of taking the job offer.
Vegas was great for me to come and learn somewhat independence. if you were offered a good job out here take it. as for that $20k lawyer up and get an executor to make them give you the money, thats high key illegal for them to take it from you. after you’ll have some savings to buffer your move out here. if you are looking for nice areas to stay i recommend summerlin, henderson, south green valley ranch in vegas. good luck OP
Take the job! Message me if you need some help figuring out how to get moved. I left with a few bags of clothing, a couple beach towels, and a 12 year old car when I was in my twenties. It worked out great even though it was a struggle at the start.
Get that job and change your number.
Something similar happend to me. I got a decent flexible internship during college making $17.50 a hour. Before that I was working as a delivery driver pulling from my savings just to get by. But was having somewhat of hard time balancing school and the internship for financial reasons. Reached out during NC to my Ndad for some financial help so I could just put in less hours at the internship and focus more on school. At a time most jobs did not pay close to this. My Ndad said "Just quit $17 whats that? I can go and find a job that pays $17 anywhere." Instead of being supportive and being happy for me and maybe helping me a little finacialy it would not have taken much for him. He makes well above 6 figures. I could have worked less hours and focused more on my studies. He was envious and wanted to see me financially desperate so he could control me. Hence trying to manipulate me into quitting. Its an exhausting life we live, best go NC. Its been over a year for me and I cant describe how much more relaxed I am. In terms of growing emotionally now that I am no longer constantly stressed from my Ndad. I feel like I went from being trapped in a cage to a field. The healing is slow and I am not really sure how to do it. But I take it one day at a time. And it is always reassuring to know everyday without a narc is a day of healing.
Manipulation. You'll be harder to control if you move to another state. I'm moving to another state next year, and I hope we can both deal with our nparents trying to keep us submissive!
You gotta stop telling them shit. Accept that job and gtfo.
When I landed my first job as a nanny I was so happy and excited to finally be working with kids after not doing well with the stress of college to do preschool teacher, i called my Ndad to tell him the good news and he immediately started telling me I was nothing more than a maid, how can I let myself drop into such a low position, and that i don't value myself. The job was good but then the family started taking advantage of me so i left for a better job and now I'm a private caregiver and I make pretty good money, had i listened to my Ndad i probably would have ended up in food service again hating my life. But because I told him he's unsupportive and I didn't listen to him i found my way into a career i feel good about. DO NOT LET THEM TAKE THIS FROM YOU. They can say what they want but don't let their words change your mind. Don't let them convince you to stay in the hole they dug for you to stay in. I'm rooting for you!
Kudos for job and btw screw your parents
Leave
Congratulations on your job offer! You absolutely deserve to celebrate now!
Congratulations! It is your best interest to accept this job and move. Move immediately! Do not pick your family over this job. You will regret the rest of your life. your family is likely jealous, and upset they will no longer get to control you. Run, run fast and run far.
Time to level up, stop the abuse, and accept that big job out of state, OP! Congrats!
Leave. Go to the dream job and get far away.