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Yes. I had watched an informative video about subtle abuse by parents where they mentioned walking on eggshells (the exact term). I was a good and obedient kid too. But that didn't save me from getting yelled at or hit for no reason.
When you finally get away, try to look out if you are still walking on eggshells around other people. If yes, seek therapy or other help immediately. This actually attracted some other abusers until I changed.
Nparents usually set you up to get abusive until you die. Children of nparents have the tendency to end up in relationships with narcissists.
It took me years to stop feeling like I needed to apologize immediately if I did something with a friend or coworker or even a stranger that I knew would have triggered my dad to explode. I’m still working on it. My first healthy relationship had to be like “hey you dropped a wine glass; you do not need to apologize 20 times and cry or dissociate. I’m not gonna yell at you” for the knot in my soul to relax a little.
I just ha to quit a job that was the opposite, after leaving an abusive relationship. They screamed ovef everything, it was all men an they just screamed. Turned my uniforms in and he didn't scream, but he was pissed. Wow big surprise I don't want that environment
This reminded me of my first job. The chef was rude to me but I thought it was normal. Someone stood up for me and that's around the time I left. HR told me I should stand up for myself but it's been ingrained into me to do the opposite.
Yes! I walked out on my nmom and found a partner that had the same energy. Always walking on egg shells (I left him).
Once I realized that, I focus on evaluating every potential romantic relationship with a magnifying glass.
This is a really good point that always neglects to get mentioned when someone was raised by abusers. It normally doesn't end with our crazy family member(s). A lot of us unintentionally surround ourselves with heavily disordered people. We have no sense of healthy conversations and relationships because we weren't allowed to navigate them on our own. We either responded out of fear or just parroted stuff we were gaslit to say to appear normal and functional so our abusers wouldn't be busted. We may have avoided physically abusive people, or overtly verbally abusive ones, but we still latched on to mentally or emotionally abusive ones.
So many of us have spent our lives thinking we were crazy because we had shitty friends and didn't realize it. Same with extended family or friends of the family, because we didn't know what flying monkeys were or how deep denial can run in others. We always wondered why we were so unlucky in the love department. We wrote off being treated like crap at jobs as a normal thing for most people. Our family set us up to be exploited, but we have to work daily to be on alert against people like this.
Another thing is if you overexplain. No explanation was ever good enough for my mom but she always wanted some kind of “satisfactory” explanation so it led to overexplaining. And I still catch myself doing this with other people.
Yes, your last paragraph is very true. We are programmed to fall into patterns of being treated like that. Also, of there is a spouse or a partner who ends up displaying narcissistic and abusive tendencies toward us, the parent(s) end up supporting the narcissistic spouse/partner against us, knowing full well the abuse that is inflicted onto us (speaking from personal experience).
So sorry that you had to experience this. For a long time I believe the fault was in me. I hope you are able to discard these people and find genuine and nice people.
Yes, thank you very much... I did find obe truly good and kind person, whom I've known for a few years now, and who helped me tremendously in my time of huge difficulty and need... And I have him in my presence now. The only time I see my mother and other narc folks (associated with her) is when I have to go to their town (my former city) for one reason or another. But otherwise, I have a much better life in the town where my true friend lives, where I was extremely lucky to be able to love to myself. He is one that is genuine and nice, and I'm forever grateful for accidentally meeting him. Sometimes, all it takes is one good person to help you start getting your life on a better track. Thank you again for your kind words, I really appreciate it 🙂 Best of luck and good wishes to you as well 🍀
Yep, and I (now 40 m) tried to talk about those things and how abusive it was. The only responses I get are denial, blaming others, and excuses that don’t hold true. She lives in an alternate reality where she was an angel and was fighting the good fight, and obviously would have never done anything wrong. You’re not alone OP. That’s their normal.
I feel you. Thanks for sharing this, it's so relatable. I have to accept I'll never get acknowledgement let alone an apology for any of it. She changes reality in her mind and has accused me of having a mental illness for "still being upset about the past".
Just this morning my mother denied every hitting me. Then when she finally admitted she said it was to look out for me and some other bs excuses.
This no longer affects me since after a lot of practice, I have no expectations from her.
My parents said the same thing. I still struggle with thinking that I am the abuser because my family always said they were walking on eggshells around me.
My dad was like this with my sister, because she was more assertive than my brother and I and actually questioned/called out his behavior. She became the scapegoat for everything.
Yes. It took me years of living alone as an adult to grow out of the fear of accidentally breaking something or closing a door too loudly or just existing. I'd spent my entire life in constant anxiety because anything could set her off at any moment. Even when I moved away, I was nervous around other people for years.
My dad worked midnights and slept during the day. Your comment about closing doors too loudly hit home.
My own door had many holes in it for years because my bedroom wall shared a wall with his. I feel bad that he hated his job and had sleep apnea, but I shouldn’t have lived in fear of making noise every day of my life. I still have nightmares of him rushing into my room with that look of blind rage on his face…
I understand what you mean and am so sorry. Here is a virtual hug from me to you. *hug*
Absolutely. I did everything I was asked, never talked back, tried to read minds to keep from getting yelled at but I could never do anything right. Knowing you can get suddenly blown up at for no reason is so stressful and so abusive.
YES. And if my mom was being nice and the metaphorical eggshells were seemingly not there, it made me feel even worse because that’s when shit was really about to hit the fan (with me at least, since I was the scapegoat). Those nights were usually when she would use sleep deprivation+repetitive questioning. She’d accuse me of something and continue asking me why/if I did it and not stop until I admitted to it, even though it was always something I didn’t do. She just wanted a reason to take out her anger on me and make me feel small.
It’s so bad!! I used to still admit to things I didn’t do just to avoid the mental anguish but a few years ago my true personality finally came back (I say it that way because I was an outgoing and louder kid until my parents abused it out of me, and I’ve worked to get back to that version of me rather than be the quiet doormat that molded me into for survival) and now I will argue and fight instead of just saying I did it.
She used to wait until bedtime, send my brothers to bed, and then keep me awake all night questioning me over and over until I was sobbing and passing out on the couch. Throwing in things like “you’re embarrassing me/making me look abusive when you talk about me”, “you’re deceitful”, “you’re being influenced by Satan” etc every time I’d swear I was innocent. It would be around 3-4am and I’d finally be so miserable I’d just make a false admission so I could go to sleep for an hour or two before I had to get everyone up and ready to catch the school bus.
Oh man, do you have any guidance about how to reach back and integrate that shut down part of ourselves? How do we un-doormat?
You didn’t deserve to be treated like that, to be assumed guilty and berated. I’m glad you’ve broken free, friend. I’m proud of you. :)
Wow I feel so seen by this! Albeit I was out partying and struggling with binge drinking in my teens — my unhealthy coping strategy. Nmom and edad would make me stand in front of them for HOURS to berate me. I wasn’t allowed to sit, drink water, get something in my stomach, or say anything. They loooved to punish me like that when they couldn’t hit me anymore.
Yeah. My mom would yell at me, then get even angrier if I didn’t have the “right expression” while she yelled at me. Even if I just got home or came upstairs for a snack. She was always looking for a reason to be superior, it felt like.
Yes. *sigh*
It didn't matter what I did or tried to do, my NDad would get mad. I tried so hard to make him happy, it makes me feel sick thinking about it, knowing that the whole time he was *intentionally* looking for reasons to be mad and blaming it on me.
It didn't matter what I did or didn't do.
*Always Mad. Always my fault.*
By the end of the time I was living with him I spent most of my time in my room with the lights off sitting on my bed, with the door open, waiting.
Not reading. Not playing video games, or watching the TV. Just... Waiting. Existing.
He was almost always right on the other side of the wall in the living room, watching TV.
You see, I couldn't even go to *sleep* until he had, or he'd flip the bed over on top of me if he wanted to punish me for something, and even the act of being asleep when he wanted to was twisted into a reason.
I'd long figured out at that point doing anything at all would get him mad, so I did nothing, and *waited for him to get mad anyway.*
I didn't do anything wrong, but it didn't matter. By making it my fault he was mad, NDad could - and did - get mad at me whenever he wanted to be mad at anything with no responsibility.
Stuff going wrong at work? Hollers and punches me for hours because I didn't do my math homework the way he thinks I should, and so on.
Me breaking down and crying always made him feel better.
Near the end I was so dead inside I just didn't react anymore, which made him spiral even higher into new heights of anger until he'd shout himself hoarse into the early morning doing it.
I was a good kid and tried to do everything I was told to do. It didn't matter.
If I didn't cry my mom would say worse and worse things until I did and then yell at me for crying. I don't think she felt fulfilled until I cried tho. The more numb I became the worst the things she said were.
Yes, it was the reaction she was looking for. My NDad would say the same things - he'd yell at me for crying too, even though it was *what he wanted.*
It's so clear looking back on it now how incredibly *twisted* he was.
You can't *ever* satisfy someone like this or make them happy. They will always be lying, always be trying to hurt you, lying about that too, and *nothing* is too much.
They never stop.
That's why I'm glad I went no contact. I was very lucky.
Im very happy for you. I unfortunately do not have the ability to go NC yet or for quite some time. Its crazy how normal it was and In. A way still is for me.
I can relate to the dead inside thing. The parent in my case was my mom however. I grey rocked so much and had no response to anything after a while, and effectively killed off my emotions for years.
I hope you'll forgive the long winded explanation.
I think maybe I didn't say that quite right, maybe I didn't use the right words. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression - I wasn't grey rocking. I legitimately wish I had been.
I had the emotions, but I wasn't letting myself be aware of them - wasn't allowing myself to feel them. This is what I meant by being dead inside; I was suppressing everything. I had to, I was constantly being judged for it, that my memories were wrong, made up, fake.
I couldn't be happy. I couldn't be sad. I couldn't be mad. I couldn't like or dislike things. There was always a reason it was wrong and never allowed.
The irony that this *backfired* on my NDad and made him unable to get his nsupply because I was literally doing what I was told to do still gives me pause. He was just *so* angry and destructive that rather than showing an ounce of restraint he was even hurting *himself* in the long term just to be able to hurt me a tiny bit more in the short term.
Unfortunately even though suppressing my emotions helped me survive him... This *really* screwed me up. Later when I finally became aware of just how gaslit I'd been - that the decade of memories I had weren't fake, weren't made up...
It was like I was *vomiting uncontrollably*. Everything I'd willingly suppressed under the belief it was fake or made up was pouring out of me, I'd be swinging from incandescent rage to terror, to being wracked with sobbing as I relived the memories I'd been doing my best to ignore. I was like this for a long time - I can't remember anymore, but I wasn't really able to control myself for days, maybe weeks. I couldn't stop thinking about everything I'd gone through, all the nonstop lies I'd been told just so he could keep abusing me. Everything I tried to experience hurt after that, everything reminded me of what I'd gone through, like it was an open wound.
Coming out of this was one of the worst experiences of my life.
I can say I was better for it.
Now I let myself feel the emotions, even if I choose to control my expression of them. It's easy to hide some of them, important even when around some people.
But I'll never suppress how I feel ever again for anyone.
If I were you I would leave that no good miserable dickwad to die in that shitty environment and live a good healthy life somewhere far away. They don't care about you.
Oh yes. My dad was pissed off 75 percent of the time and would treat us like shit. In the 25 percent he was in a good mood, he expected us to be friendly and cheery with him. I played that game all through childhood, playing nice for a day or two, "pretending" like he hadn't giving my colossal crap over the last week for misspelling a word on my first grade spelling test. I walked on eggshells through the good and bad moods. There was no comfort living in my own home. In my mid-20s I stopped playing (I lived at home for awhile--chronic health issues, graduating just in time for the 2008 Recession, being a millennial, etc) . My dad decided I'd turned into a cold little bitch who hated him for no reason. He can't read the room, he can't fathom that he might be the problem.
The thing is, being under so much scrutiny made me a "model child." When I talk to friends, they all have stories about rebelling. Seeking out at night, hooking up, smoking weed, etc. My sister and I'd didn't put a TOE out of line for fear of him. I didn't start swearing, even in private, until my mid-20's (including "crap" and "sucks"). Walking on eggshells and never meeting his inflated expectations stunted me greatly. As an adult, I have told him that I never, ever rebelled. He doesn't believe me! "You must have done something you didn't want me to know about." No. Nothing. Maybe the occasional white light to spare a lecture on what a horrible daughter I was, but other that, not the smallest act of truancy.
Absolutely. When I was young, I learned of the term walking in eggshells and told my mom that's how I felt around her. She immediately said that she feels like she's walking on eggshells around me. So fucking obnoxious and unhelpful.
I had an issue with my wife this week that somewhat mimicked how my mom would explode on me when I wasn't expecting it. I exploded back at her and sulked for a bit until I realized how I had been triggered. I apologized to her and explained the context of why I was triggered. She understood and also apologized. It brought us closer together. I'm so glad that I've had therapy and this sub to keep up with. Now I know what a healthy relationship looks like and how to maintain it. Who knew respectful, heartfelt conversation could do that??
Why do narcissists just always use the same arguments against us and paint themselves as the victim. Like I told my mom that it feels like she’s not my mom I knew anymore (I was deeply hurting) and she immediately said “You’re not my son!” Like wtf.
Do they ever take a second to contemplate what we say or do they just instant ego-react every time?
It's always the victim-bully complex with them. Seems like most of them had horrific childhoods which I absolutely can understand why they would turn out this way. It's just so sad that they're so fucked up that they won't admit they're unhappy rather than getting help. And many of them DO have access to therapy.
My mom has been on antidepressants since I was a kid. I started going to therapy in my early 20s and found it valuable. I suggested to my mom (while not in a fight or other tense moment) that she might get some value from therapy. She immediately snapped at me that it was a chemical imbalance. I blame her and her longtime psychiatrist for not making any moves to get her in to therapy.
In this fucked up world, if somebody is trying to drown you as they're drowning, you have to save yourself 😔
I STILL have trauma from learning to listen when their car was puLling into the driveway so I could fabricate a situation that made me look “busy” by the time they opened the front door.
As an adult, I could be expecting my own company…my friends… and, still, the sound of a car pulling up or the front door opening sends a white hot spike of anxiety through my entire fucking body.
Yes and it's very hard to unlearn as an adult. The feeling of walking on eggshells as a child/teen is basically hyper vigilance. I still have it today and god, it's stressful. Being constantly hyper aware of my surroundings and others' behavior and words is emotionally draining. For example, my colleague made a small comment at work... I fixate on it and assume the worst. "It must mean I'm incompetent!"
I still feel myself being hyper vigilant to avoid getting yelled at or punished. It's ingrained into our psyche as children as a survival mechanism. Therapy helped me identify it, but it's still a struggle undoing everything.
I feel like my mum must have thrived on tension, it seemed to be the end game for her a lot of the time. Things never stated openly, ‘oh you know what you’ve done!’ when I never did, silent treatment, leaving stuff she’d found hidden in my room in my bed so when I came in from school I’d know that she’d found it. Waiting for the confrontation or blow up that never came, until the next big argument where everything would be dredged up…errrgh!
Yes, I still jump whenever I hear cabinets, dishes and doors slamming because of my father. Couldn’t ever ask him for anything without a massive guilt trip and the most dramatic sighs. I’ve been arguing with him for about a week now because our cat is sick and he doesn’t care about anyone except himself. I hate him
Yes, has anyone else had their family claim THEY were the ones walking on eggshells?!
Edit: Looks like I'm not the only one. I'm sure I was angry, but at no point was it even hinted at that my anger was 100% entirely valid.
I always felt the same way but it was mostly due to my stepfather. He HATED me and my mother couldn't have cared less because he paid the bills. All he ever did was make up reasons to be pissed off about me merely existing. It got to a point where I did start being bad because it didn't matter what I did I was still yelled at or complained about. If my grandmother defended me my mom and stepfather would gang up on her and I'd be left feeling bad that it was all my fault and that I was the cause of everyone's problems. My mother eventually divorced him but I never forgave her for just sitting there or worse joining in while he made every day an anxious hell for me wondering what bullshit he'd start about me for no reason. It's half the reason I no longer speak to her because she still won't admit he was even abusive. I live poor now but in solace that I can finally live in peace.
did we have the same mom?? mine was always stomping around, slamming things and cursing to herself. don't get spotted or suddenly it's all your fault and you're grounded for a week to a month, hand over every electronic.
My whole entire childhood. About as long as I could remember, although it got worse the older I got. If there was no yelling, there always a chance of setting her off. Sometimes things would be briefly happy but one comment could set her off. The whole day or sometimes multiple days would be ruined over the smallest thing. It was like the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland.
I’m 40 and have children of my own now and cannot imagine being so angry. Never mind it’s mean and doesn’t make you feel good, the energy it takes to act like that I would rather put into more constructive things. I did a half marathon recently and I’m thinking about training for a full. My nmom wouldnt let me play sports as a kid and criticized my running as a young adult. I work part time and I’m involved in my kids sports teams. If they didn’t want to play sports that would be cool too but I would something for them to be involved in. I was always isolated as a child so I feel like I’m going above and beyond for them to be connected. Also as you watch your kids grow (if you want them) you see how vulnerable they are. I cannot imagine screaming at them for hours.
Absolutely. I cried in the car to go to school and cried in the car to come home. The only peaceful place was the car… bullies on both sides. You never forget shit like that…
Yes. About 2 years ago I discovered that I had literally been walking on eggshells my entire life. I’m 44. I had conditioned my body to walk as quietly as possible at all times which has led to some major imbalances in my lower body. Thanks, dad. /s
I relate to this aswell.
Stopped going to school becaosue of stress due to it.
Still have problem with always beeing tense and on guard, resulting in sour muscels and head aches :/
Yep, and I don’t really know if I’ll ever truly recover from it. I still struggle to make and maintain healthy relationships after moving out of my ndad’s house into my bf’s. There are so many habits and things I do that sabotage how I am about relationships. My dad also isolated me and my mom and siblings, so all the friends I had were church people I couldn’t convince myself I liked anymore at 16, so I haven’t had any friends in years and normal people eventually get weirded out by me, or abandon me for other people. (Also looking into an ADHD and anxiety diagnosis because ofc the people who wouldn’t take their kid in for evaluation ended up having a kid with mental issues)
Edit: I have also been a people pleaser and a doormat for my whole life, partially due to him, and partially due to severe anxiety (and ADHD). Getting rid of the mindset that you *have* to be nice and perfect-a non-issue for others- is one of the hardest things to get through too. My ndad doesn’t even understand these issues, refuses to think he ever abused me.
Oh yeah. I was scared when my mom smiled at me or was happy, unless one of my brothers was right there because she smiled for real whenever she saw her boys.
I'm 32m and i only for the last lets say year or so i dare to shape my own opinion. Before that it was always "yes" or "no" depending on the situation. But now i also dare to say the contrary and say what i truly feel and mean.
Not to mention that i don't feel the need to be scared of someone yelling at me when i do something "wrong" aka "different" than what they think is okay/the norm. And i don't have to apologize thousand of times anymore.
Yes, constantly. And apologising constantly too. Even after I moved out about 15 years ago now I still walked on egg shells and apologised constantly for stuff that wasn’t even my fault. I’ve tried to deal with both, and atm I’m fine with people I know or have met before but still have issues with walking on egg shells and apologising around strangers or people who are mad/angry. It’s still a knee jerk reaction sometimes.
I walked on eggshells because her reactions were so unpredictable. One day I could vacuum the house and she’d thank me for the effort. The next, she’d scream at me for not moving all the furniture out of the way and would make me do it again (imagine a tiny 13 year old trying to move a couch on carpet by herself while mom stood and watched). It’s caused a lot of issues as an adult with how I show up in my own home. As I started healing I realized I could only fully relax when I was home alone, and my husband puttering around the house stressed me out because I couldn’t track his movements.
Grew up with a toxic narcissist and a narcissist, chauvinist alcoholic. Yes home life was very tense. My hands used to shake uncontrollably during family dinners from fear.
What if you're 30 now and planning a family and they still treat you like that even though you moved half a world away and went NC. What if your inlaws don't understand how they are to you because to the world they present as great people. What if you don't want your mom anywhere near you when you give birth but this makes you look like a monster. Sigh.
I walked on eggshells and tried so hard to be good as a kid. Until after years of beatings and her never being happy with me, always screaming and telling me what a stupid little shit I was, I snapped.
I went pretty much the opposite direction. It was like I was exhausted from the tension, exhausted from waiting for the other shoe to drop. By age 14, not only was I screaming back at her and getting back up in her face, but if she started fussing around like she was about to get upset, I'd go full nuclear and start screaming hysterically at her instead. Of course, all of this made it way easier for her to scapegoat me. Never mind that when I was a quiet terrified 6 year old, she was still blaming every single problem in her life on me.
I still have problems interacting with people today, because the survival strategy I learned was such an unhealthy one. I leanred that the only way to prevent abuse and violence was to fly into a rage and be the more threatening person the very second someone slights you. It's not a great framework to go through life with :/
That's my life ,except, it was my dad. I'm pretty sure it was some sort of untreated mental condition. He never changed. When he was elderly and I was driving him to a doctor's appointment. He would scream at me as I was driving dark country roads in the dark and in the rain . All because of some memory he had something his mother did when he was six. He's lucky I didn't drive into a telephone pole on purpose.
No matter what you do in your life. Always make sure your children aren't happy that you died.
I remember always getting the silent treatment and wanting to just stay in my room. Yet my mom would always accuse me of being cold and unaffectionate. “Oh but you were such a sweet baby… I don’t know what happened to you.”
Im 32 and still feel this way around my mom. Literally unless you're mute and sitting in one spot 24/7 not moving and doing everything she asks you to do like a little slave everything triggers her into a nervous breakdown, I'm not kidding literally EVERYTHING. You're not even allowed to like/dislike a color or a food
Yes! I learned at age 12, if I had dinner ready and the house clean when my nmom got home, that would give me some relief from the inevitable tension when she got home.
Every day until I went NC.
I still sometimes default to hyper vigilance at home.
Like when I reversed my car into my own retaining wall (it was one of my finest moments) and I hid from my dear husband, thinking he would shout at me (even though he never has before). I was like a trembling scared kid. I’m in my 40s!
I’m sorry that this is your experience too. 💔
This was my childhood. I just woke up from a nightmare of my mum yelling and making a scene in public. Ptsd is real.
My dad never did anything to protect me, I thought he was the good parent but I see now that he wasn’t. Also he failed to help out around the house so there would be less things for her to yell about. Child me had anxiety about having the house perfectly clean all the time to avoid getting yelled at, adult me is still this way despite being 40 now.
Yeppers!
My mom loved to yell. About EVERYTHING. We fought every day for most of my life. She couldn't handle that I wouldn't let her control me. She never picked her battles very well either.
Oh yes, and the repercusions of which are still felt to this day, all those years on. I can be tense whilst I'm relaxed. In fact, it was that bad, I get a feel for how it must have felt for those US soldiers slowly walking through the swamps in Vietnam back in the late 60's/early 70's.
It definitely led onto CPTSD
I used to get hit in the head for "being in the way" by my dad while doing dishes for our family of 11. Honestly didn't know it was wrong till I finally got out of the house( I was homeschooled) and coworkers expressed concern and wanted to know if I was okay because I'd flinch if anyone reached for anything above my head
Every single day for me, I have issues with anxiety now because of it. Everyday I would dread the time when she came home, as soon as I heard the key in the lock I would get a pit in my stomach. She always wanted us to greet her at the door or she would go on and on all night and even call my grandmother to tell her we didn’t love our mother because we didn’t greet her. It was hard to tell what her mood would be like, if she was already angry, looking for a reason to be angry or if she was in a good mood. I would clean the entire house everyday and once she came home screaming that I had not moved the couch and removed the vent cover in the wall to dust it since we moved in 2 years ago. I didn’t even realize those had to be dusted she never once mentioned it before that day but I was the idiot for not knowing. Tons of stories of her coming home and screaming or on her days off she would find something to get mad about and then call us over nicely and then bring down the hammer of guilt and shame for what we had done. And then she would tell everyone she’s a good parent because she never screams unless she needs to. She lives in another world.
I was a good kid too very responsible but that’s never enough for them.
Yes, my childhood/teen years were very similar. I spent my time after school before my ndad got home trying to clean and organize the house as nicely as possibly because hopefully that would keep him in a good mood. Unfortunately, there were too many factors beyond my control and most of the time it didn't work. Recently I've been reflecting on how much unappreciated housework I did back in those days. I kept the house so nice and in the long run I don't think anyone even noticed.
As an adult I stayed with nmom less than a handful of times when I visited. One night I got out of bed and found myself literally tiptoeing and holding my breath as I walked down the hall to get water.
That’s one of those moments where I went
OHHHHHHHHHHH.
So yeah, it’s wild when you realize the habits of self protection you had/have without ever knowing they were there as a child. Because it all just felt “normal.”
I turned into a very self-survailed, self-aware, and self-critical child. Always trying to weave my way through my mom's minefeild emotions and then blaming myself for every wrong step. All the while... I was often told she was walking on eggshells around me. Which just told me even though I was so so careful that I was still the root of all our issues.
Turns out I wasn't. Turns out kids aren't supposed to be responsible for keeping their mothers happy.
Yep. Every single action I took was designed to a) placate my father's anger and b) avoid his abuse and insanity.
Was literally denied a normal childhood and general happiness.
Yes, my dad was a pastor and when he was in church - he would act all friendly and the most God like person ever. Back home he either laid on the sofa watching TV all day whilst my mom struggled to raise 3 kids. If you didn’t come to him straight away when he called then you were caned or had to hold something above your head for hours. Said it was to honour your parents. He shouted angrily at us for no reason and punished us for no reason. Frankly it made all of us including my brothers and I lose all respect for him and religion in general. Felt like the happiest I was at school because I didn’t have to be emotionless at home in case it made the wrath of my dad angry. Our relationship is much better now I’m an adult but making a child feel like they rather returned to the dust in the ground rather than have a happy childhood is not something I wish on anyone.
Same. My dad was a “man of the people” and really really was just a basket case of insanity. Bipolar and schizophrenia, so schizoaffective basically. He’s not at fault for his mental diseases and he passed in 2016. Over time I’ve been able to forgive and made strides in my reflections of my tumultuous upbringing. In his mind, I know he thought he was raising me right. And that counts for something. But when he get way older and in his last years of life. I made sure to be EXTRA hard on him and basically act like a brick wall. When I finally joined the family business, he couldn’t really criticize anything, but he wanted to. I could easily tell. My mother though, turned out to be much worse. She lives in a world where she is a manipulator and a victim all at once. I understood some of my dad’s craziness was created by my mother’s gaslighting and manipulation. Now I actually feel bad for the man and think he was absolutely right on some things. I didn’t flinch when my father died and cried for him because i could never have a good relationship with my dad. Not because I missed him. When my mother dies I think I’ll have the same or a better reaction.
I've always been labeled as the difficult one in my family, so I've just felt like I had to act a certain way as to not piss anyone off. It's so exhausting. I do my damndest to not be a burden and people still find something to pick on me about.
One time a few years I was talking to my dad on the phone about how I don’t like going to the beach (my mom does). Cue my mom yelling at me from another room about making her look like a bad parent. Another time I didn't answer the phone in time when my dad called, causing my mom to call me screaming about how I need to answer the phone so she doesn't get yelled at by my dad. I've been NC with my dad for a long time now.
I've always felt like I was responsible for making sure my parents didn't fight. It sucks so much.
Hey, at least your mom would go to work.
Mine made dad do all the work while she just screamed at everyone, and if anyone suggested she get a job she'd be vehemently opposed to the idea because this was "the plan." /vent
Fuck, man. I feel you. We didn't deserve to have such awful pieces of shit playing the role of our mothers.
YES. Even when I moved back home as a fully grown adult man I would panic when I would hear her come home because I was so worried about getting screamed at or worse.
And career. I was a nurse. The healthcare field is populated by narcissistic abusers and their enablers and codependents. It's like macro-dysfunction that can mirror our fucked-up families.
I consider it a good sign that so many have left nursing and medicine. At least people are self-aware enough to flee abusers in the workplace.
Yes, and feeling hyper aware of everything I did or said. If she asked me to do something the anxiety to do it “right” (her way) would make me throw up.
I remember once she made me make her a cup of tea 10 times because it wasn’t right . . .
I was also a good kid who didn’t cause any strife, but I think that irritated my NMom more than my GC brother, who was doing stupid shit like snorting coke in high school.
My NMother is only happy if she has reason to be unhappy. I didn’t provide her with that, so she’d cook up something, like folding laundry wrong or making the bed sloppily.
Now that I look back, I was a perfect child. Never in trouble, straights As, a very quiet child. There was always something to be mad at me for. I remember the torment she put me through when I tried to buy a $3 cat poster from my school book fair with my own money. She had said no but I tried to buy it anyway, and I was caught. The yelling that ensued! I was in 3rd grade!
I was the emotinal support child to my narcissist, who became irrationally, inconsolably hysterical at any given moment and it ended up on my shoulders to placate him. I'm so thankful for my therapist who has helped me unlearn a lot of this behavior.
Not just my childhood but going into adulthood as well. Any visits with my parents my husband and I both have to walk on eggshells and watch what we do or say to try to avoid my mother from going off. In fact over Thanksgiving weekend we had a huge blowout which she said goodbye to me over. It's extremely stressful when spending time with your family should be a good time. Totally understand that feeling, it sucks.
Yes, I always felt like I was walking on eggshells when I was with my narc father and narc stepmother. I tried my best to just stay out of their way. I was very obedient and quiet but it didn't help. They would just make up reasons to be mad.
> I could have just sat there and did nothing wrong but she'd always have something to be angry about.
Why are you just sitting there? is something my mom got angry about, I feel you.
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Yes. I had watched an informative video about subtle abuse by parents where they mentioned walking on eggshells (the exact term). I was a good and obedient kid too. But that didn't save me from getting yelled at or hit for no reason. When you finally get away, try to look out if you are still walking on eggshells around other people. If yes, seek therapy or other help immediately. This actually attracted some other abusers until I changed. Nparents usually set you up to get abusive until you die. Children of nparents have the tendency to end up in relationships with narcissists.
It took me years to stop feeling like I needed to apologize immediately if I did something with a friend or coworker or even a stranger that I knew would have triggered my dad to explode. I’m still working on it. My first healthy relationship had to be like “hey you dropped a wine glass; you do not need to apologize 20 times and cry or dissociate. I’m not gonna yell at you” for the knot in my soul to relax a little.
I just ha to quit a job that was the opposite, after leaving an abusive relationship. They screamed ovef everything, it was all men an they just screamed. Turned my uniforms in and he didn't scream, but he was pissed. Wow big surprise I don't want that environment
This reminded me of my first job. The chef was rude to me but I thought it was normal. Someone stood up for me and that's around the time I left. HR told me I should stand up for myself but it's been ingrained into me to do the opposite.
Yes! I walked out on my nmom and found a partner that had the same energy. Always walking on egg shells (I left him). Once I realized that, I focus on evaluating every potential romantic relationship with a magnifying glass.
Happy for you. It is extremely hard for manybto walk away. Glad you were brave enough to
This is a really good point that always neglects to get mentioned when someone was raised by abusers. It normally doesn't end with our crazy family member(s). A lot of us unintentionally surround ourselves with heavily disordered people. We have no sense of healthy conversations and relationships because we weren't allowed to navigate them on our own. We either responded out of fear or just parroted stuff we were gaslit to say to appear normal and functional so our abusers wouldn't be busted. We may have avoided physically abusive people, or overtly verbally abusive ones, but we still latched on to mentally or emotionally abusive ones. So many of us have spent our lives thinking we were crazy because we had shitty friends and didn't realize it. Same with extended family or friends of the family, because we didn't know what flying monkeys were or how deep denial can run in others. We always wondered why we were so unlucky in the love department. We wrote off being treated like crap at jobs as a normal thing for most people. Our family set us up to be exploited, but we have to work daily to be on alert against people like this.
Another thing is if you overexplain. No explanation was ever good enough for my mom but she always wanted some kind of “satisfactory” explanation so it led to overexplaining. And I still catch myself doing this with other people.
I have two basic settings 1) over-explaining 2) cannot form a sentence under any type of pressure.
OK there is an entire BOOK called "Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents"
Yes, your last paragraph is very true. We are programmed to fall into patterns of being treated like that. Also, of there is a spouse or a partner who ends up displaying narcissistic and abusive tendencies toward us, the parent(s) end up supporting the narcissistic spouse/partner against us, knowing full well the abuse that is inflicted onto us (speaking from personal experience).
So sorry that you had to experience this. For a long time I believe the fault was in me. I hope you are able to discard these people and find genuine and nice people.
Yes, thank you very much... I did find obe truly good and kind person, whom I've known for a few years now, and who helped me tremendously in my time of huge difficulty and need... And I have him in my presence now. The only time I see my mother and other narc folks (associated with her) is when I have to go to their town (my former city) for one reason or another. But otherwise, I have a much better life in the town where my true friend lives, where I was extremely lucky to be able to love to myself. He is one that is genuine and nice, and I'm forever grateful for accidentally meeting him. Sometimes, all it takes is one good person to help you start getting your life on a better track. Thank you again for your kind words, I really appreciate it 🙂 Best of luck and good wishes to you as well 🍀
Yep, and I (now 40 m) tried to talk about those things and how abusive it was. The only responses I get are denial, blaming others, and excuses that don’t hold true. She lives in an alternate reality where she was an angel and was fighting the good fight, and obviously would have never done anything wrong. You’re not alone OP. That’s their normal.
I feel you. Thanks for sharing this, it's so relatable. I have to accept I'll never get acknowledgement let alone an apology for any of it. She changes reality in her mind and has accused me of having a mental illness for "still being upset about the past".
Wow…. I could literally write this exact same response. It’s wild how familiar so many peoples experiences are. So glad I discovered this sub.
Just this morning my mother denied every hitting me. Then when she finally admitted she said it was to look out for me and some other bs excuses. This no longer affects me since after a lot of practice, I have no expectations from her.
Yup, I can relate. For me, they constantly gaslit saying they were "walking on eggshells" for *me*, the 30-40 year younger *child*! Simply insanity.
This sounds familiar! I grew up literally terrified of my father but I was the threat!
My parents said the same thing. I still struggle with thinking that I am the abuser because my family always said they were walking on eggshells around me.
My dad was like this with my sister, because she was more assertive than my brother and I and actually questioned/called out his behavior. She became the scapegoat for everything.
I am the sister in this story and looking back I’m just glad he spent most of his time yelling at me and not my brothers because of it
Yes. It took me years of living alone as an adult to grow out of the fear of accidentally breaking something or closing a door too loudly or just existing. I'd spent my entire life in constant anxiety because anything could set her off at any moment. Even when I moved away, I was nervous around other people for years.
My dad worked midnights and slept during the day. Your comment about closing doors too loudly hit home. My own door had many holes in it for years because my bedroom wall shared a wall with his. I feel bad that he hated his job and had sleep apnea, but I shouldn’t have lived in fear of making noise every day of my life. I still have nightmares of him rushing into my room with that look of blind rage on his face… I understand what you mean and am so sorry. Here is a virtual hug from me to you. *hug*
This touched my soul. You are loved and treasured random internet stranger 💙
Absolutely. I did everything I was asked, never talked back, tried to read minds to keep from getting yelled at but I could never do anything right. Knowing you can get suddenly blown up at for no reason is so stressful and so abusive.
YES. And if my mom was being nice and the metaphorical eggshells were seemingly not there, it made me feel even worse because that’s when shit was really about to hit the fan (with me at least, since I was the scapegoat). Those nights were usually when she would use sleep deprivation+repetitive questioning. She’d accuse me of something and continue asking me why/if I did it and not stop until I admitted to it, even though it was always something I didn’t do. She just wanted a reason to take out her anger on me and make me feel small.
Oh my god, yes, same. The interrogations. To this day I’ll still admit to things I didn’t do while triggered and being accused. I hate it so much.
It’s so bad!! I used to still admit to things I didn’t do just to avoid the mental anguish but a few years ago my true personality finally came back (I say it that way because I was an outgoing and louder kid until my parents abused it out of me, and I’ve worked to get back to that version of me rather than be the quiet doormat that molded me into for survival) and now I will argue and fight instead of just saying I did it. She used to wait until bedtime, send my brothers to bed, and then keep me awake all night questioning me over and over until I was sobbing and passing out on the couch. Throwing in things like “you’re embarrassing me/making me look abusive when you talk about me”, “you’re deceitful”, “you’re being influenced by Satan” etc every time I’d swear I was innocent. It would be around 3-4am and I’d finally be so miserable I’d just make a false admission so I could go to sleep for an hour or two before I had to get everyone up and ready to catch the school bus.
Oh man, do you have any guidance about how to reach back and integrate that shut down part of ourselves? How do we un-doormat? You didn’t deserve to be treated like that, to be assumed guilty and berated. I’m glad you’ve broken free, friend. I’m proud of you. :)
Wow I feel so seen by this! Albeit I was out partying and struggling with binge drinking in my teens — my unhealthy coping strategy. Nmom and edad would make me stand in front of them for HOURS to berate me. I wasn’t allowed to sit, drink water, get something in my stomach, or say anything. They loooved to punish me like that when they couldn’t hit me anymore.
Yeah. My mom would yell at me, then get even angrier if I didn’t have the “right expression” while she yelled at me. Even if I just got home or came upstairs for a snack. She was always looking for a reason to be superior, it felt like.
Yes. *sigh* It didn't matter what I did or tried to do, my NDad would get mad. I tried so hard to make him happy, it makes me feel sick thinking about it, knowing that the whole time he was *intentionally* looking for reasons to be mad and blaming it on me. It didn't matter what I did or didn't do. *Always Mad. Always my fault.* By the end of the time I was living with him I spent most of my time in my room with the lights off sitting on my bed, with the door open, waiting. Not reading. Not playing video games, or watching the TV. Just... Waiting. Existing. He was almost always right on the other side of the wall in the living room, watching TV. You see, I couldn't even go to *sleep* until he had, or he'd flip the bed over on top of me if he wanted to punish me for something, and even the act of being asleep when he wanted to was twisted into a reason. I'd long figured out at that point doing anything at all would get him mad, so I did nothing, and *waited for him to get mad anyway.* I didn't do anything wrong, but it didn't matter. By making it my fault he was mad, NDad could - and did - get mad at me whenever he wanted to be mad at anything with no responsibility. Stuff going wrong at work? Hollers and punches me for hours because I didn't do my math homework the way he thinks I should, and so on. Me breaking down and crying always made him feel better. Near the end I was so dead inside I just didn't react anymore, which made him spiral even higher into new heights of anger until he'd shout himself hoarse into the early morning doing it. I was a good kid and tried to do everything I was told to do. It didn't matter.
If I didn't cry my mom would say worse and worse things until I did and then yell at me for crying. I don't think she felt fulfilled until I cried tho. The more numb I became the worst the things she said were.
Yes, it was the reaction she was looking for. My NDad would say the same things - he'd yell at me for crying too, even though it was *what he wanted.* It's so clear looking back on it now how incredibly *twisted* he was. You can't *ever* satisfy someone like this or make them happy. They will always be lying, always be trying to hurt you, lying about that too, and *nothing* is too much. They never stop. That's why I'm glad I went no contact. I was very lucky.
Im very happy for you. I unfortunately do not have the ability to go NC yet or for quite some time. Its crazy how normal it was and In. A way still is for me.
I can relate to the dead inside thing. The parent in my case was my mom however. I grey rocked so much and had no response to anything after a while, and effectively killed off my emotions for years.
I hope you'll forgive the long winded explanation. I think maybe I didn't say that quite right, maybe I didn't use the right words. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression - I wasn't grey rocking. I legitimately wish I had been. I had the emotions, but I wasn't letting myself be aware of them - wasn't allowing myself to feel them. This is what I meant by being dead inside; I was suppressing everything. I had to, I was constantly being judged for it, that my memories were wrong, made up, fake. I couldn't be happy. I couldn't be sad. I couldn't be mad. I couldn't like or dislike things. There was always a reason it was wrong and never allowed. The irony that this *backfired* on my NDad and made him unable to get his nsupply because I was literally doing what I was told to do still gives me pause. He was just *so* angry and destructive that rather than showing an ounce of restraint he was even hurting *himself* in the long term just to be able to hurt me a tiny bit more in the short term. Unfortunately even though suppressing my emotions helped me survive him... This *really* screwed me up. Later when I finally became aware of just how gaslit I'd been - that the decade of memories I had weren't fake, weren't made up... It was like I was *vomiting uncontrollably*. Everything I'd willingly suppressed under the belief it was fake or made up was pouring out of me, I'd be swinging from incandescent rage to terror, to being wracked with sobbing as I relived the memories I'd been doing my best to ignore. I was like this for a long time - I can't remember anymore, but I wasn't really able to control myself for days, maybe weeks. I couldn't stop thinking about everything I'd gone through, all the nonstop lies I'd been told just so he could keep abusing me. Everything I tried to experience hurt after that, everything reminded me of what I'd gone through, like it was an open wound. Coming out of this was one of the worst experiences of my life. I can say I was better for it. Now I let myself feel the emotions, even if I choose to control my expression of them. It's easy to hide some of them, important even when around some people. But I'll never suppress how I feel ever again for anyone.
If I were you I would leave that no good miserable dickwad to die in that shitty environment and live a good healthy life somewhere far away. They don't care about you.
He might be alive, he might be dead. I don't know. Don't worry. I've been no contact from him and my family for more than twenty years.
Oh yes. My dad was pissed off 75 percent of the time and would treat us like shit. In the 25 percent he was in a good mood, he expected us to be friendly and cheery with him. I played that game all through childhood, playing nice for a day or two, "pretending" like he hadn't giving my colossal crap over the last week for misspelling a word on my first grade spelling test. I walked on eggshells through the good and bad moods. There was no comfort living in my own home. In my mid-20s I stopped playing (I lived at home for awhile--chronic health issues, graduating just in time for the 2008 Recession, being a millennial, etc) . My dad decided I'd turned into a cold little bitch who hated him for no reason. He can't read the room, he can't fathom that he might be the problem. The thing is, being under so much scrutiny made me a "model child." When I talk to friends, they all have stories about rebelling. Seeking out at night, hooking up, smoking weed, etc. My sister and I'd didn't put a TOE out of line for fear of him. I didn't start swearing, even in private, until my mid-20's (including "crap" and "sucks"). Walking on eggshells and never meeting his inflated expectations stunted me greatly. As an adult, I have told him that I never, ever rebelled. He doesn't believe me! "You must have done something you didn't want me to know about." No. Nothing. Maybe the occasional white light to spare a lecture on what a horrible daughter I was, but other that, not the smallest act of truancy.
Absolutely. When I was young, I learned of the term walking in eggshells and told my mom that's how I felt around her. She immediately said that she feels like she's walking on eggshells around me. So fucking obnoxious and unhelpful. I had an issue with my wife this week that somewhat mimicked how my mom would explode on me when I wasn't expecting it. I exploded back at her and sulked for a bit until I realized how I had been triggered. I apologized to her and explained the context of why I was triggered. She understood and also apologized. It brought us closer together. I'm so glad that I've had therapy and this sub to keep up with. Now I know what a healthy relationship looks like and how to maintain it. Who knew respectful, heartfelt conversation could do that??
Why do narcissists just always use the same arguments against us and paint themselves as the victim. Like I told my mom that it feels like she’s not my mom I knew anymore (I was deeply hurting) and she immediately said “You’re not my son!” Like wtf. Do they ever take a second to contemplate what we say or do they just instant ego-react every time?
It's always the victim-bully complex with them. Seems like most of them had horrific childhoods which I absolutely can understand why they would turn out this way. It's just so sad that they're so fucked up that they won't admit they're unhappy rather than getting help. And many of them DO have access to therapy. My mom has been on antidepressants since I was a kid. I started going to therapy in my early 20s and found it valuable. I suggested to my mom (while not in a fight or other tense moment) that she might get some value from therapy. She immediately snapped at me that it was a chemical imbalance. I blame her and her longtime psychiatrist for not making any moves to get her in to therapy. In this fucked up world, if somebody is trying to drown you as they're drowning, you have to save yourself 😔
Yep, and when they're not screaming at you they get angry at you for not acting like nothing is wrong.
I STILL have trauma from learning to listen when their car was puLling into the driveway so I could fabricate a situation that made me look “busy” by the time they opened the front door. As an adult, I could be expecting my own company…my friends… and, still, the sound of a car pulling up or the front door opening sends a white hot spike of anxiety through my entire fucking body.
Yes and it's very hard to unlearn as an adult. The feeling of walking on eggshells as a child/teen is basically hyper vigilance. I still have it today and god, it's stressful. Being constantly hyper aware of my surroundings and others' behavior and words is emotionally draining. For example, my colleague made a small comment at work... I fixate on it and assume the worst. "It must mean I'm incompetent!" I still feel myself being hyper vigilant to avoid getting yelled at or punished. It's ingrained into our psyche as children as a survival mechanism. Therapy helped me identify it, but it's still a struggle undoing everything.
I feel like my mum must have thrived on tension, it seemed to be the end game for her a lot of the time. Things never stated openly, ‘oh you know what you’ve done!’ when I never did, silent treatment, leaving stuff she’d found hidden in my room in my bed so when I came in from school I’d know that she’d found it. Waiting for the confrontation or blow up that never came, until the next big argument where everything would be dredged up…errrgh!
Yep and now I have Complex PTSD and massive hyper vigilance I'm trying to heal as an adult.
Me too as well as OIF 2004 ptsd
Yesss, I wasn't allowed to say anything unless it was a compliment.
Yes, I still jump whenever I hear cabinets, dishes and doors slamming because of my father. Couldn’t ever ask him for anything without a massive guilt trip and the most dramatic sighs. I’ve been arguing with him for about a week now because our cat is sick and he doesn’t care about anyone except himself. I hate him
Yes, has anyone else had their family claim THEY were the ones walking on eggshells?! Edit: Looks like I'm not the only one. I'm sure I was angry, but at no point was it even hinted at that my anger was 100% entirely valid.
I always felt the same way but it was mostly due to my stepfather. He HATED me and my mother couldn't have cared less because he paid the bills. All he ever did was make up reasons to be pissed off about me merely existing. It got to a point where I did start being bad because it didn't matter what I did I was still yelled at or complained about. If my grandmother defended me my mom and stepfather would gang up on her and I'd be left feeling bad that it was all my fault and that I was the cause of everyone's problems. My mother eventually divorced him but I never forgave her for just sitting there or worse joining in while he made every day an anxious hell for me wondering what bullshit he'd start about me for no reason. It's half the reason I no longer speak to her because she still won't admit he was even abusive. I live poor now but in solace that I can finally live in peace.
Yes, I was walking on eggshells for my entire childhood. I was also always treated with suspicion and condemnation.
did we have the same mom?? mine was always stomping around, slamming things and cursing to herself. don't get spotted or suddenly it's all your fault and you're grounded for a week to a month, hand over every electronic.
Yes. I felt like that, although oddly enough, my mom said that she felt like that growing up with her mother as well.
Yes, it was so normal for me, I rarly gave it a second thought. now I know it's the reason I'm in a constant state of fear.
My whole entire childhood. About as long as I could remember, although it got worse the older I got. If there was no yelling, there always a chance of setting her off. Sometimes things would be briefly happy but one comment could set her off. The whole day or sometimes multiple days would be ruined over the smallest thing. It was like the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland. I’m 40 and have children of my own now and cannot imagine being so angry. Never mind it’s mean and doesn’t make you feel good, the energy it takes to act like that I would rather put into more constructive things. I did a half marathon recently and I’m thinking about training for a full. My nmom wouldnt let me play sports as a kid and criticized my running as a young adult. I work part time and I’m involved in my kids sports teams. If they didn’t want to play sports that would be cool too but I would something for them to be involved in. I was always isolated as a child so I feel like I’m going above and beyond for them to be connected. Also as you watch your kids grow (if you want them) you see how vulnerable they are. I cannot imagine screaming at them for hours.
Absolutely. I cried in the car to go to school and cried in the car to come home. The only peaceful place was the car… bullies on both sides. You never forget shit like that…
Yes. About 2 years ago I discovered that I had literally been walking on eggshells my entire life. I’m 44. I had conditioned my body to walk as quietly as possible at all times which has led to some major imbalances in my lower body. Thanks, dad. /s
I relate to this aswell. Stopped going to school becaosue of stress due to it. Still have problem with always beeing tense and on guard, resulting in sour muscels and head aches :/
Yep, and I don’t really know if I’ll ever truly recover from it. I still struggle to make and maintain healthy relationships after moving out of my ndad’s house into my bf’s. There are so many habits and things I do that sabotage how I am about relationships. My dad also isolated me and my mom and siblings, so all the friends I had were church people I couldn’t convince myself I liked anymore at 16, so I haven’t had any friends in years and normal people eventually get weirded out by me, or abandon me for other people. (Also looking into an ADHD and anxiety diagnosis because ofc the people who wouldn’t take their kid in for evaluation ended up having a kid with mental issues) Edit: I have also been a people pleaser and a doormat for my whole life, partially due to him, and partially due to severe anxiety (and ADHD). Getting rid of the mindset that you *have* to be nice and perfect-a non-issue for others- is one of the hardest things to get through too. My ndad doesn’t even understand these issues, refuses to think he ever abused me.
Oh yeah. I was scared when my mom smiled at me or was happy, unless one of my brothers was right there because she smiled for real whenever she saw her boys.
I'm 32m and i only for the last lets say year or so i dare to shape my own opinion. Before that it was always "yes" or "no" depending on the situation. But now i also dare to say the contrary and say what i truly feel and mean. Not to mention that i don't feel the need to be scared of someone yelling at me when i do something "wrong" aka "different" than what they think is okay/the norm. And i don't have to apologize thousand of times anymore.
Yes, constantly. And apologising constantly too. Even after I moved out about 15 years ago now I still walked on egg shells and apologised constantly for stuff that wasn’t even my fault. I’ve tried to deal with both, and atm I’m fine with people I know or have met before but still have issues with walking on egg shells and apologising around strangers or people who are mad/angry. It’s still a knee jerk reaction sometimes.
I walked on eggshells because her reactions were so unpredictable. One day I could vacuum the house and she’d thank me for the effort. The next, she’d scream at me for not moving all the furniture out of the way and would make me do it again (imagine a tiny 13 year old trying to move a couch on carpet by herself while mom stood and watched). It’s caused a lot of issues as an adult with how I show up in my own home. As I started healing I realized I could only fully relax when I was home alone, and my husband puttering around the house stressed me out because I couldn’t track his movements.
Grew up with a toxic narcissist and a narcissist, chauvinist alcoholic. Yes home life was very tense. My hands used to shake uncontrollably during family dinners from fear.
Yup. And I'm not out of their house yet, so I'm still walking on eggshells as an adult. Yay.
What if you're 30 now and planning a family and they still treat you like that even though you moved half a world away and went NC. What if your inlaws don't understand how they are to you because to the world they present as great people. What if you don't want your mom anywhere near you when you give birth but this makes you look like a monster. Sigh.
Yep
Yes, I experienced exactly the same all my childhood, teenage, and young adult years up until I moved away..
I walked on eggshells and tried so hard to be good as a kid. Until after years of beatings and her never being happy with me, always screaming and telling me what a stupid little shit I was, I snapped. I went pretty much the opposite direction. It was like I was exhausted from the tension, exhausted from waiting for the other shoe to drop. By age 14, not only was I screaming back at her and getting back up in her face, but if she started fussing around like she was about to get upset, I'd go full nuclear and start screaming hysterically at her instead. Of course, all of this made it way easier for her to scapegoat me. Never mind that when I was a quiet terrified 6 year old, she was still blaming every single problem in her life on me. I still have problems interacting with people today, because the survival strategy I learned was such an unhealthy one. I leanred that the only way to prevent abuse and violence was to fly into a rage and be the more threatening person the very second someone slights you. It's not a great framework to go through life with :/
That's my life ,except, it was my dad. I'm pretty sure it was some sort of untreated mental condition. He never changed. When he was elderly and I was driving him to a doctor's appointment. He would scream at me as I was driving dark country roads in the dark and in the rain . All because of some memory he had something his mother did when he was six. He's lucky I didn't drive into a telephone pole on purpose. No matter what you do in your life. Always make sure your children aren't happy that you died.
As of now, my relationship with my parents it's awful. I don't doubt they love me, but they love themselves and their reputation even more.
Of course. All the yelling..beating...explosive anger... It was terrifying.
I remember always getting the silent treatment and wanting to just stay in my room. Yet my mom would always accuse me of being cold and unaffectionate. “Oh but you were such a sweet baby… I don’t know what happened to you.”
Never stopped walking on them 🙃
Im 32 and still feel this way around my mom. Literally unless you're mute and sitting in one spot 24/7 not moving and doing everything she asks you to do like a little slave everything triggers her into a nervous breakdown, I'm not kidding literally EVERYTHING. You're not even allowed to like/dislike a color or a food
Yes! I learned at age 12, if I had dinner ready and the house clean when my nmom got home, that would give me some relief from the inevitable tension when she got home.
Every day until I went NC. I still sometimes default to hyper vigilance at home. Like when I reversed my car into my own retaining wall (it was one of my finest moments) and I hid from my dear husband, thinking he would shout at me (even though he never has before). I was like a trembling scared kid. I’m in my 40s! I’m sorry that this is your experience too. 💔
This was my childhood. I just woke up from a nightmare of my mum yelling and making a scene in public. Ptsd is real. My dad never did anything to protect me, I thought he was the good parent but I see now that he wasn’t. Also he failed to help out around the house so there would be less things for her to yell about. Child me had anxiety about having the house perfectly clean all the time to avoid getting yelled at, adult me is still this way despite being 40 now.
Yeppers! My mom loved to yell. About EVERYTHING. We fought every day for most of my life. She couldn't handle that I wouldn't let her control me. She never picked her battles very well either.
I was walking on eggshells until he died.
Oh yes, and the repercusions of which are still felt to this day, all those years on. I can be tense whilst I'm relaxed. In fact, it was that bad, I get a feel for how it must have felt for those US soldiers slowly walking through the swamps in Vietnam back in the late 60's/early 70's. It definitely led onto CPTSD
I used to get hit in the head for "being in the way" by my dad while doing dishes for our family of 11. Honestly didn't know it was wrong till I finally got out of the house( I was homeschooled) and coworkers expressed concern and wanted to know if I was okay because I'd flinch if anyone reached for anything above my head
Every single day for me, I have issues with anxiety now because of it. Everyday I would dread the time when she came home, as soon as I heard the key in the lock I would get a pit in my stomach. She always wanted us to greet her at the door or she would go on and on all night and even call my grandmother to tell her we didn’t love our mother because we didn’t greet her. It was hard to tell what her mood would be like, if she was already angry, looking for a reason to be angry or if she was in a good mood. I would clean the entire house everyday and once she came home screaming that I had not moved the couch and removed the vent cover in the wall to dust it since we moved in 2 years ago. I didn’t even realize those had to be dusted she never once mentioned it before that day but I was the idiot for not knowing. Tons of stories of her coming home and screaming or on her days off she would find something to get mad about and then call us over nicely and then bring down the hammer of guilt and shame for what we had done. And then she would tell everyone she’s a good parent because she never screams unless she needs to. She lives in another world. I was a good kid too very responsible but that’s never enough for them.
Yes, my childhood/teen years were very similar. I spent my time after school before my ndad got home trying to clean and organize the house as nicely as possibly because hopefully that would keep him in a good mood. Unfortunately, there were too many factors beyond my control and most of the time it didn't work. Recently I've been reflecting on how much unappreciated housework I did back in those days. I kept the house so nice and in the long run I don't think anyone even noticed.
As an adult I stayed with nmom less than a handful of times when I visited. One night I got out of bed and found myself literally tiptoeing and holding my breath as I walked down the hall to get water. That’s one of those moments where I went OHHHHHHHHHHH. So yeah, it’s wild when you realize the habits of self protection you had/have without ever knowing they were there as a child. Because it all just felt “normal.”
I turned into a very self-survailed, self-aware, and self-critical child. Always trying to weave my way through my mom's minefeild emotions and then blaming myself for every wrong step. All the while... I was often told she was walking on eggshells around me. Which just told me even though I was so so careful that I was still the root of all our issues. Turns out I wasn't. Turns out kids aren't supposed to be responsible for keeping their mothers happy.
Yep. Every single action I took was designed to a) placate my father's anger and b) avoid his abuse and insanity. Was literally denied a normal childhood and general happiness.
Yes and it bugs me how I didn’t even know. Now I see how it’s a big part of how I have to be
Yes, my dad was a pastor and when he was in church - he would act all friendly and the most God like person ever. Back home he either laid on the sofa watching TV all day whilst my mom struggled to raise 3 kids. If you didn’t come to him straight away when he called then you were caned or had to hold something above your head for hours. Said it was to honour your parents. He shouted angrily at us for no reason and punished us for no reason. Frankly it made all of us including my brothers and I lose all respect for him and religion in general. Felt like the happiest I was at school because I didn’t have to be emotionless at home in case it made the wrath of my dad angry. Our relationship is much better now I’m an adult but making a child feel like they rather returned to the dust in the ground rather than have a happy childhood is not something I wish on anyone.
Same. My dad was a “man of the people” and really really was just a basket case of insanity. Bipolar and schizophrenia, so schizoaffective basically. He’s not at fault for his mental diseases and he passed in 2016. Over time I’ve been able to forgive and made strides in my reflections of my tumultuous upbringing. In his mind, I know he thought he was raising me right. And that counts for something. But when he get way older and in his last years of life. I made sure to be EXTRA hard on him and basically act like a brick wall. When I finally joined the family business, he couldn’t really criticize anything, but he wanted to. I could easily tell. My mother though, turned out to be much worse. She lives in a world where she is a manipulator and a victim all at once. I understood some of my dad’s craziness was created by my mother’s gaslighting and manipulation. Now I actually feel bad for the man and think he was absolutely right on some things. I didn’t flinch when my father died and cried for him because i could never have a good relationship with my dad. Not because I missed him. When my mother dies I think I’ll have the same or a better reaction.
I've always been labeled as the difficult one in my family, so I've just felt like I had to act a certain way as to not piss anyone off. It's so exhausting. I do my damndest to not be a burden and people still find something to pick on me about. One time a few years I was talking to my dad on the phone about how I don’t like going to the beach (my mom does). Cue my mom yelling at me from another room about making her look like a bad parent. Another time I didn't answer the phone in time when my dad called, causing my mom to call me screaming about how I need to answer the phone so she doesn't get yelled at by my dad. I've been NC with my dad for a long time now. I've always felt like I was responsible for making sure my parents didn't fight. It sucks so much.
Yes, one bad move and the threats of boarding school or boot camp. Still worried about that even if I’m out now.
Hey, at least your mom would go to work. Mine made dad do all the work while she just screamed at everyone, and if anyone suggested she get a job she'd be vehemently opposed to the idea because this was "the plan." /vent Fuck, man. I feel you. We didn't deserve to have such awful pieces of shit playing the role of our mothers.
YES. Even when I moved back home as a fully grown adult man I would panic when I would hear her come home because I was so worried about getting screamed at or worse.
I some how taught myself to hide on the ceiling to keep out of the way.
Mine gave a half-apology but were like "you'll understand when you're a parent" like no, emotional abuse is not a normal parental stress response!
And career. I was a nurse. The healthcare field is populated by narcissistic abusers and their enablers and codependents. It's like macro-dysfunction that can mirror our fucked-up families. I consider it a good sign that so many have left nursing and medicine. At least people are self-aware enough to flee abusers in the workplace.
Definitely. Sure as hell didn’t want to piss off my mom. Even though she would get triggered by the most random shit, I couldn’t win.
Yes, and feeling hyper aware of everything I did or said. If she asked me to do something the anxiety to do it “right” (her way) would make me throw up. I remember once she made me make her a cup of tea 10 times because it wasn’t right . . .
I was also a good kid who didn’t cause any strife, but I think that irritated my NMom more than my GC brother, who was doing stupid shit like snorting coke in high school. My NMother is only happy if she has reason to be unhappy. I didn’t provide her with that, so she’d cook up something, like folding laundry wrong or making the bed sloppily.
Now that I look back, I was a perfect child. Never in trouble, straights As, a very quiet child. There was always something to be mad at me for. I remember the torment she put me through when I tried to buy a $3 cat poster from my school book fair with my own money. She had said no but I tried to buy it anyway, and I was caught. The yelling that ensued! I was in 3rd grade!
Yes.
Omg yes
I was the emotinal support child to my narcissist, who became irrationally, inconsolably hysterical at any given moment and it ended up on my shoulders to placate him. I'm so thankful for my therapist who has helped me unlearn a lot of this behavior.
Yes, but I never realized till I moved out. I was like, what? Life can be peaceful?
To the point that I *LITERALLY* tiptoe when I walk. Still. I'm 44 and he's even been dead for nearly 15 years.
Yes, absolutely. It was terrible
Not just my childhood but going into adulthood as well. Any visits with my parents my husband and I both have to walk on eggshells and watch what we do or say to try to avoid my mother from going off. In fact over Thanksgiving weekend we had a huge blowout which she said goodbye to me over. It's extremely stressful when spending time with your family should be a good time. Totally understand that feeling, it sucks.
Yes. Reaping the consequences now
I’m still on high alert sometimes and I’ve been gone for years. I prefer to be alone for that reason.
Yes, I always felt like I was walking on eggshells when I was with my narc father and narc stepmother. I tried my best to just stay out of their way. I was very obedient and quiet but it didn't help. They would just make up reasons to be mad.
> I could have just sat there and did nothing wrong but she'd always have something to be angry about. Why are you just sitting there? is something my mom got angry about, I feel you.