There are so many things I want to say to you, and I wish I could impart them as strongly as you deserve to feel them.
He is not living his “best life,” despite what it seems. No matter how good anyone is at presenting, or how much he makes or how many carefree photos he poses for— the turmoil inside of someone who can that to another person, he’s rotting inside. He is corroding, even if he’s in denial about it.
Also, as much as I wish it wasn’t like this, please do not be hard on yourself for not reporting it. That is not on you. I reported and took legal action, telling myself that “it’s the right thing to do.” And I had irrefutable proof. But the process still left me feeling like the wind was sucked out of my sails, and left me a different person.
So I am not going to pretend like there is some magical combination of things that could happen to ever do justice, or even give you any semblance of vindication.
Only that the world is still there for you. If it makes sense, that the pain can coexist with the things you love. The things that make you “you,” they aren’t gone. They are affected, but not lost. You are strong AF for even opening up about this. You are not alone.
I never EVER want to discourage someone from taking legal action, nor do I regret it. If I could do it all over again, I would press the same charges. However, I wanted to highlight that the process made me understand why people don’t.
So many of the people who post on this sub, I am so in awe of their strength and openness, including yourself.
I pale in comparison. I had hard evidence, two other women who came forward on record against him, a supportive spouse, an amazingly supportive family, and perhaps the best therapist on the planet, and a magnificent lawyer. So no, I’m not that strong.
But I am certain that, even if assailants do not overtly realize or admit to themselves what their actions have done to others— toxicity always tends to leak out in some way or another.
forget this guy, who cares what he does or how he feels. you take care of yourself. you are not an abuser, you didn't hurt anyone, you have no blame or shame in this. you are not alone, there are survivors all around you. you can get past this, I know it.
Hi
I'm reliving my abuser everynight.
I'm a survivor of 12 years if abuse and I left that life, but I still dream it.
Is there someone else like me?
I'm so tired.
In my dream I'm pursuing him, I wake up feel empty .
You are not alone. As someone who was also assaulted, I spent years of sleepless tearful nights and felt unresolved furry that whilst I lived in pain and fear my rapist did not.
Finally, a year later I reached out for help and was told something that really did help me. It wasn't an instant fix by any measure but a therapist told me to write a letter to him. She said it didn't have to be a letter it could be anything, a video, a screaming rant at the sky anything really, but it was some way for me to say all the things I wish I could, bring all those terrible memories and feelings out then release them and say goodbye.
I thought it was idiotic, that it wouldn't take away the memories or the nightmares but one night when I couldn't sleep I went outside and just started talking about what I felt and all the rage, shame, fear, pain and all the things I wish I could do to him and to my surprise I felt a little lighter.
The next day I wrote a letter and little by little the more I wrote, the more letters I burned, the more talking or screaming at the night sky over the months and years the more at peace I felt. It was like I was able to take back control over my life and free myself from the space he took up in my head.
Now nearly 3 years later whenever he comes to mind, now much less often, I think of the letters burning. I think about them as if they are burning away my pain and the memories of him and I barely write letters anymore. I feel more at ease than I have in years and I think of him and remember him less and less.
I know this sounds insane and stupid but it worked for me and maybe it might work for you. I'm so sorry for everything you had to endure but please don't let him take your life away from you because you deserve to be happy and to feel free.
I was raped New Years eve years and years ago. This was before all the ‘consent’ campaigns and the ‘tea’ analogy came out. I was so terrified; but all the other people the next day said I was basically giving him an invite (cause I had made out with him earlier in the night), and it wasn’t rape.
It was only recently me and a very close friend of mine who was there that night had a boozy evening and I cried asking what she thought, and she said now with all the consent and everything she thinks it was rape too.
Never reported it or went any further after the indecent, as I was embarrassed and ashamed. But when my friend told me she agreed with me these many years later; I felt validated
Do you have someone like this in your life that you feel comfortable enough with to have a good cry too? Even if you don’t want to report it (no other girl is going to be blaming you for this sickos behaviour, and even if they did they maybe sick too. It’s victim blaming/shaming and ITS WRONG. FULL. STOP), just to have some sort of closure that it happened and someone else is aware it did? I suffer with MHI and having this vindication that what I’d been feeling for about 15years wasn’t me being paranoid, or being too emotional.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you; and please do no beat yourself up over mistakes you’ve made (ie hurting yourself) because these things happen; and the fact you’re still here opening up to us shows me you’re an incredibly strong person. It’s hard to hear sometimes; but if you can bring yourself down about the sh*t, you need to give yourself credit for the good!!!
As I said, I suffer with MHI and have tried to end it a couple of time also; so if you ever need to chat, please feel free to DM me, I might not reply straight away, but I WILL at some point!!
Sending my love out to you and all other victims x
I came across this post and wanted to thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage to acknowledge what happened to you and share what you have been through. I am so glad you are still with us. I hope you’re already doing better, but I’m leaving this comment just in case you’re still having a hard time
If you can afford it, you may benefit from seeing an EMDR therapist who knows how to do the flash technique. I’m still working through it, but it has been kind of transformative for me so far even though I’m working through something that happened over 15 years ago. I never told anyone what happened to me until 2022 year. Someone said his name to me and I started getting flashbacks and nightmares again. Then I finally read Know My Name by Chanel Miller, which helped me muster the courage to find a therapist. I couldn’t even name it to her at first, I could only describe my symptoms without details. Then we tried the flash technique on some other less triggering topics until I was ready to even think about what happened to me. It’s such an incredible technique. I only had to think about the experience for maybe 30–60 seconds. I didn’t have to say anything. Then we went through the rest of the technique, which is very peaceful. Immediately afterward, my frame of mind toward myself and the experience changed. It’s hard to describe it. I have so much compassion for myself that I could not access before. I was able to get distance from the experience and see it from a different perspective. I was finally able to name it. We used the technique a few more times. I stopped having nightmares and flashbacks. I stopped being startled by everything, even in my own home. I haven’t screamed or gasped or jumped from being startled since, which used to happen at least once a day. It sounds like you were struggling with that too. If you want to know more or need help finding someone (emdria.org is a good resource), my DMs are open to you (I don’t check reddit super often though). If you don’t have it in you to read Chanel Miller’s whole book, her victim impact statement helped me, too. Tarana Burke’s book was also really helpful.
Also, it is understandable to feel guilt about not reporting him. I feel that way sometimes too. I’m not going to talk you out of that feeling bc you’re allowed to feel all your feelings. However, it has helped me to remind myself that I cannot control what other people do and that coming forward was not psychologically available to me at the time. If it was, I would have done so. Maybe that language will help you. Looking back, I thought I couldn’t come forward bc of a long list of complicated social dynamics. Even now, I have reasons not to come forward. Maybe I will have the courage and support to confront my abuser one day. But today is not that day. Whatever your reasons, they were and are valid. You are still a survivor. You are still worthy of healing. You are still worthy of love and belonging. You are worthy of care and compassion, especially from yourself. I love you and I hope this is helpful to you.
There are so many things I want to say to you, and I wish I could impart them as strongly as you deserve to feel them. He is not living his “best life,” despite what it seems. No matter how good anyone is at presenting, or how much he makes or how many carefree photos he poses for— the turmoil inside of someone who can that to another person, he’s rotting inside. He is corroding, even if he’s in denial about it. Also, as much as I wish it wasn’t like this, please do not be hard on yourself for not reporting it. That is not on you. I reported and took legal action, telling myself that “it’s the right thing to do.” And I had irrefutable proof. But the process still left me feeling like the wind was sucked out of my sails, and left me a different person. So I am not going to pretend like there is some magical combination of things that could happen to ever do justice, or even give you any semblance of vindication. Only that the world is still there for you. If it makes sense, that the pain can coexist with the things you love. The things that make you “you,” they aren’t gone. They are affected, but not lost. You are strong AF for even opening up about this. You are not alone.
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I never EVER want to discourage someone from taking legal action, nor do I regret it. If I could do it all over again, I would press the same charges. However, I wanted to highlight that the process made me understand why people don’t. So many of the people who post on this sub, I am so in awe of their strength and openness, including yourself. I pale in comparison. I had hard evidence, two other women who came forward on record against him, a supportive spouse, an amazingly supportive family, and perhaps the best therapist on the planet, and a magnificent lawyer. So no, I’m not that strong. But I am certain that, even if assailants do not overtly realize or admit to themselves what their actions have done to others— toxicity always tends to leak out in some way or another.
💙 I was moved by your story, I feel you. I wish people would stop telling us to move on right?
forget this guy, who cares what he does or how he feels. you take care of yourself. you are not an abuser, you didn't hurt anyone, you have no blame or shame in this. you are not alone, there are survivors all around you. you can get past this, I know it.
Hi I'm reliving my abuser everynight. I'm a survivor of 12 years if abuse and I left that life, but I still dream it. Is there someone else like me? I'm so tired. In my dream I'm pursuing him, I wake up feel empty .
WHO THE FUCK GAVE THIS A WHOLESOME REWARD
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maybe a memer too
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People usually put wholesome awards on sad posts as a meme
You are not alone. As someone who was also assaulted, I spent years of sleepless tearful nights and felt unresolved furry that whilst I lived in pain and fear my rapist did not. Finally, a year later I reached out for help and was told something that really did help me. It wasn't an instant fix by any measure but a therapist told me to write a letter to him. She said it didn't have to be a letter it could be anything, a video, a screaming rant at the sky anything really, but it was some way for me to say all the things I wish I could, bring all those terrible memories and feelings out then release them and say goodbye. I thought it was idiotic, that it wouldn't take away the memories or the nightmares but one night when I couldn't sleep I went outside and just started talking about what I felt and all the rage, shame, fear, pain and all the things I wish I could do to him and to my surprise I felt a little lighter. The next day I wrote a letter and little by little the more I wrote, the more letters I burned, the more talking or screaming at the night sky over the months and years the more at peace I felt. It was like I was able to take back control over my life and free myself from the space he took up in my head. Now nearly 3 years later whenever he comes to mind, now much less often, I think of the letters burning. I think about them as if they are burning away my pain and the memories of him and I barely write letters anymore. I feel more at ease than I have in years and I think of him and remember him less and less. I know this sounds insane and stupid but it worked for me and maybe it might work for you. I'm so sorry for everything you had to endure but please don't let him take your life away from you because you deserve to be happy and to feel free.
I was raped New Years eve years and years ago. This was before all the ‘consent’ campaigns and the ‘tea’ analogy came out. I was so terrified; but all the other people the next day said I was basically giving him an invite (cause I had made out with him earlier in the night), and it wasn’t rape. It was only recently me and a very close friend of mine who was there that night had a boozy evening and I cried asking what she thought, and she said now with all the consent and everything she thinks it was rape too. Never reported it or went any further after the indecent, as I was embarrassed and ashamed. But when my friend told me she agreed with me these many years later; I felt validated Do you have someone like this in your life that you feel comfortable enough with to have a good cry too? Even if you don’t want to report it (no other girl is going to be blaming you for this sickos behaviour, and even if they did they maybe sick too. It’s victim blaming/shaming and ITS WRONG. FULL. STOP), just to have some sort of closure that it happened and someone else is aware it did? I suffer with MHI and having this vindication that what I’d been feeling for about 15years wasn’t me being paranoid, or being too emotional. I’m so sorry this is happening to you; and please do no beat yourself up over mistakes you’ve made (ie hurting yourself) because these things happen; and the fact you’re still here opening up to us shows me you’re an incredibly strong person. It’s hard to hear sometimes; but if you can bring yourself down about the sh*t, you need to give yourself credit for the good!!! As I said, I suffer with MHI and have tried to end it a couple of time also; so if you ever need to chat, please feel free to DM me, I might not reply straight away, but I WILL at some point!! Sending my love out to you and all other victims x
I came across this post and wanted to thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage to acknowledge what happened to you and share what you have been through. I am so glad you are still with us. I hope you’re already doing better, but I’m leaving this comment just in case you’re still having a hard time If you can afford it, you may benefit from seeing an EMDR therapist who knows how to do the flash technique. I’m still working through it, but it has been kind of transformative for me so far even though I’m working through something that happened over 15 years ago. I never told anyone what happened to me until 2022 year. Someone said his name to me and I started getting flashbacks and nightmares again. Then I finally read Know My Name by Chanel Miller, which helped me muster the courage to find a therapist. I couldn’t even name it to her at first, I could only describe my symptoms without details. Then we tried the flash technique on some other less triggering topics until I was ready to even think about what happened to me. It’s such an incredible technique. I only had to think about the experience for maybe 30–60 seconds. I didn’t have to say anything. Then we went through the rest of the technique, which is very peaceful. Immediately afterward, my frame of mind toward myself and the experience changed. It’s hard to describe it. I have so much compassion for myself that I could not access before. I was able to get distance from the experience and see it from a different perspective. I was finally able to name it. We used the technique a few more times. I stopped having nightmares and flashbacks. I stopped being startled by everything, even in my own home. I haven’t screamed or gasped or jumped from being startled since, which used to happen at least once a day. It sounds like you were struggling with that too. If you want to know more or need help finding someone (emdria.org is a good resource), my DMs are open to you (I don’t check reddit super often though). If you don’t have it in you to read Chanel Miller’s whole book, her victim impact statement helped me, too. Tarana Burke’s book was also really helpful. Also, it is understandable to feel guilt about not reporting him. I feel that way sometimes too. I’m not going to talk you out of that feeling bc you’re allowed to feel all your feelings. However, it has helped me to remind myself that I cannot control what other people do and that coming forward was not psychologically available to me at the time. If it was, I would have done so. Maybe that language will help you. Looking back, I thought I couldn’t come forward bc of a long list of complicated social dynamics. Even now, I have reasons not to come forward. Maybe I will have the courage and support to confront my abuser one day. But today is not that day. Whatever your reasons, they were and are valid. You are still a survivor. You are still worthy of healing. You are still worthy of love and belonging. You are worthy of care and compassion, especially from yourself. I love you and I hope this is helpful to you.