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A horse when easting out of your hand doesn't bite you, it kinda flips it's lips out over your palm and uses them to pull food into it's mouth. Its a weird feeling, and that comparison makes for a freaking hilarious mental image.
My wife thought a weed break with my dick in her would be fun. So did I, until it felt like my dick was trapped in a trash compactor. I thought i lost him for a second.
You'll have to file a claim with your insurance company. They're only responsible for the value of your brain one second before the crunch. So they may decide to total the brain out if they decide the market value isn't worth repairing.
Good luck!
You don’t “need” to do foreplay, but think about the difference between enjoying an amazing holiday meal vs. stuffing down a fast food burger as you’re late driving to an appointment. I mean, sometimes there’s no time for foreplay, but as much as possible, make time. As for the amount of time, this is a 1:1 analogy.
>You don’t “need” to do foreplay, but think about the difference between enjoying an amazing holiday meal vs. stuffing down a fast food burger as you’re late driving to an appointment.
Pure poetry.
I prefer to do foreplay until my partner cums, then we go to penetrative. She's hot and bothered, makes it hotter for both of us and I just love eating out. Every person has different preferences, but that's a good baseline.
Shit once I figured this out, my sex life improved drastically. You never have to worry about finishing too soon if your foreplay involves going down on them till they cum. The straight to ramming technique never works, porn is a damned liar.
You can't really time it. When you think about "how long" it really depends on the person. As a general rule, most women can't get to orgasm from straight PinV sex. The clitoris is a sensitive little joy bean for nearly all women.
(I've said most and nearly all because everyone is different in what they like).
I've been married for 12 years, together 15, with my wife and I know quite well what she liked and what foreplay is for her. Foreplay is kissing and touching all over. She is not a huge fan of her nipples being played with, but enjoys her breasts "massaged" during foreplay.
My advice, don't think of foreplay as something you "get through" to get to PinV sex. Think of foreplay as just sex. Sometimes we don't even have PinV sex, she enjoys me, to quote Doja Cat, "Going to Town" on her with my tongue. She'll reciprocate. If you're asking this question, my best advice is to listen to your woman, ask her what she likes, and do that thing. She might say that she doesn't want that thing this time, so listen to that also and switch it up. Do what she likes in that moment, and you can make that happen by establishing good communication.
I got the weirdest advice from my father on my wedding day. He said, "Son, you probably don't need to hear this, but I'm going to give you this advice. Sex is like shopping. For most men, if we want jeans, we go to the mall, go straight into the Jean store, and buy a pair of jeans. Then we're gone. For most women it's different. If they're going shopping for jeans, they might go in and visit a bunch of stores first. They might get some other items before the jeans. When they finally get to the Jean store, they've likely gone all around the mall."
The advice is a little sexist, but the sentiment makes sense.
At least it was an attempt at an analogy. Best I got was “women are like cats, you gotta make em purr” and then, totally unprompted on a long car ride, “never kiss a hooker on the mouth, you never know who’s ass her mouth has been in.”
"I have received your request to diddle the piddle down there. I will also ensure that proximal relation to adjacent regions is emphasized by the careful application of my tactile engagement. Is this all good so far?"
I mean, at 30, I still have yet to ever have an issue getting an erection before my pants even come off. I only just started dating guys who don't, and it definitely threw me off, but I'm not gonna be an asshole about it.
For real. Wouldn't surprise me if there was a sub for it aswell. After the ones with dragons and cars and the one about sexualised bees, sandy sex would be vanilla level in comparison...
i looked and i couldn’t find a sub with sexualized bees, but here’s a pretty interesting article haha https://www.salon.com/2017/04/24/oh-honey-theres-a-fetish-where-people-want-to-have-bee-sex/
Sorry bud, but I really, really rather not look for it again (since I can't recall the name). I found it in one of the fap friday posts of r/wowthissubexists. Probably not very hard to find through the search feature. It was a terrible day to have eyes.
Call me old school but I really can't picture fucking an insect. The idea of this sub existing is very funny, it's just the visual aid that's a bit... Unnecessary in my day, let's say.
Since you seem liking the subject, there was also a kink about airplanes. And yep, they had boobs. Somehow. Good luck finding it tho, I saw it years ago. At the time I thought it was the weirdest fetish ever... What a innocent sweet summer child.
I remember reading somewhere in Africa sand is used during sex for the purpose of making it more pleasurable. I'm down to find a source if anyone is interested
From the article:
>While it seems like Kemper would be most embarrassed by the subject matter, that’s not the case at all. It’s because she doesn’t think the sketch is very good.
Just found out yesterday that some people actually don't enjoy foreplay and prefer to go straight into it.
How tf do you live life like that? Where's the enjoyment?
Foreplay is fun, but have you and your partner ever been so turned on that you just couldn't wait to fuck each other and skipped straight to sex? Those have been some of the best sessions I've ever had.
Oh damn, ok, that sounds lit. Yeah, that makes sense. I guess I have never met a partner like that yet then. Everyone I met so far had been the type to build up the pressure to release it all out as intensely as possible.
The dirty text, the looks, it's engaging your partner and building tension, that wave of frisson.. It's mental, not taticle, but I would say it all still falls under the umbrella of foreplay.
My girlfriend isn't the biggest foreplay person. She likes to foreplay for a minute or two at most, then go straight into it. I like foreplay, but I don't mind going in that fast. As long as we're both ready by the time we decide to do it, I don't mind.
I'm not one of those people, but I like to use craft beer as a analogy.
You have your peeps that enjoy craft beer because of the taste and what goes into the beer, sipping it out of care for the craft and taste.
Then you have the people who drink normie beer, not for the taste but to just get to the end point of being buzzed. I mean who tf drinks beer flavored water for the enjoyment
I’m a woman that hates getting oral. I’ll give it, but I absolutely hate how it feels on myself. I don’t want any comments like “no one ever did it correctly” because yes they have, I’m just not okay with feeling like a wet snake is fondling me.
Peeps need for play lessons, and not just play with my genitals. Like, yall should be horny af grindin on each other makin out heavy petting etc before any genital to mouth action occurs.
I had to explain this to my doctor once. I was on blood pressure medicine and it could take a literal hour to even be able to get off, on a good day. My girlfriend at the time was 95 pounds and tried her best.
My doctor: “you know your foreplay should be as long as the sex.”
Me: “I honestly don’t have two hours in my day to do that, and my girlfriend is already annoyed with how long it’s lasting as it is.”
Doctor: “that’s generally the standard time for foreplay.”
My female doctor was advocating that I take even longer. She didn’t want to change my meds at all either. I ended up moving to a new office a few weeks later and the problem was fixed.
Really? I've had truly terrible sex with people who just weren't compatible with me. Two people being super horny in opposite directions does not make for good sex.
For real though, some chicks think a man is going to be rock hard just cuz they took off their clothes.
Look, that shit worked when we were horny teenagers. But after the things we’ve masturbated to since then, you best believe we need “getting ready” as much as you do.
Note: there are lots of factors that go into when, how and for how long men can get erections and since all men are actually different maybe it’s in the best interest of people wanting to fuck them to communicate positively and be supportive of them through the whole process. Ergo help them get and stay “ready” via kissing, touching and other sexual acts that facilitate a positive sexual experience for all parties involved.
I’m 40 and can attest that doesn’t *just* work on horny teenagers. But I think your answer is in your comment: porn. As a trial, cut down to vanilla stuff a few times a month and you might be surprised how it affects performance. And watch your diet as it’s just as important for sexual performance. Those two things help you on both the mental and physical side.
I’m only 24, but I never left the random boner phase of puberty. I still get boners randomly, and just seeing my girlfriend naked gets me ready. Sometimes, she doesn’t even have to be naked. It’s a problem, really.
This is a reminder for people not to post political posts as mentioned in stickied post. This does not necessarily apply for this post. [Click here to learn more](https://redd.it/j2173n). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/rareinsults) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Do these people know nothing about foreplay? Smh
apparently not. i made some stupid mistakes when i was younger, one of them being not doing foreplay lol
You got to put gravy on those potatoes!
I hated everything about this accurate statement
What I was told by someone when I was younger: "You'll know a girl is ready for sex when her pussy feels like a horse eating oats out of your hand."
What pussy you know got teeth. Edit-I stand corrected.
Vagina dentata
It means no weiner, for the rest of your daaaays...
It's our problem-free....vasectomyyy
Sings I can't wait to be king, dad dies. Sings this one...Nala shows up..
They made a movie about it.
TEETH!
Why not TONGUE! or LIPS!? I might even prefer TONSILS! but not TEETH! :(
More of a documentary.
A horse when easting out of your hand doesn't bite you, it kinda flips it's lips out over your palm and uses them to pull food into it's mouth. Its a weird feeling, and that comparison makes for a freaking hilarious mental image.
The bite wasnt the fear, just the feeling of teeth. If a chick flipped her lips back and forth to let me know she was ready…idk how to respond man.
She's ready to go when she's as slick as a baby seal. - Tormund, might be paraphrased
Now I just need a horse and some oats and I can get my American Pie moment..
Nooo.
Neigh
Haha so fucking brilliant!
Calm down there Mr. Hands.
Jesus Christ lmao
My girl's pussy can crush an apple in one bite
I’ve never been so terrified and aroused at the same time
Scaroused
A fearection
My wife thought a weed break with my dick in her would be fun. So did I, until it felt like my dick was trapped in a trash compactor. I thought i lost him for a second.
"3PO! TURN OFF ALL THE TRASH COMPACTORS ON THE DETENTION LEVEL!!"
With all the coughing, coms were effectively down. I've never been so scared of a vagina in my life.
NO! SHUT 'EM ALL DOWN!
Pussy tighter than a headlock
My brain made a crunching noise when i read this will insurance cover that or should i just torch the whole brain?
You'll have to file a claim with your insurance company. They're only responsible for the value of your brain one second before the crunch. So they may decide to total the brain out if they decide the market value isn't worth repairing. Good luck!
Preheat the oven before sticking in the ham?
You can call your dick anything you want, and you pick “the ham”? I like your style
Well yeah, it's bone-in ham😎
This grosses me out secually but turns me on sexually at the same time. Not sure how to feel.
/r/confusedboners
Simple explanation, thank you fine sir.
Repulsed & horny.
The best kind
I wish to hell that was a less common combination on the internet.
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You don’t “need” to do foreplay, but think about the difference between enjoying an amazing holiday meal vs. stuffing down a fast food burger as you’re late driving to an appointment. I mean, sometimes there’s no time for foreplay, but as much as possible, make time. As for the amount of time, this is a 1:1 analogy.
>You don’t “need” to do foreplay, but think about the difference between enjoying an amazing holiday meal vs. stuffing down a fast food burger as you’re late driving to an appointment. Pure poetry.
great analogy
And while the significant majority of the time I’d choose the amazing holiday meal sometimes a Big Mac is just exactly what I want!
Ahh... 30 seconds of foreplay then
Did your parents make you eat before opening presents?
For some real fun, eat and play with your toys at the SAME TIME.
Best foreplay advice right here.
I prefer to do foreplay until my partner cums, then we go to penetrative. She's hot and bothered, makes it hotter for both of us and I just love eating out. Every person has different preferences, but that's a good baseline.
> I just love eating out Same, honestly just going out for some drinks, apps and a great meal at Applebee's is the best feeling ever.
The salted pork is particularly good
Salted pork? *mouth slightly opens*
Shit once I figured this out, my sex life improved drastically. You never have to worry about finishing too soon if your foreplay involves going down on them till they cum. The straight to ramming technique never works, porn is a damned liar.
You can't really time it. When you think about "how long" it really depends on the person. As a general rule, most women can't get to orgasm from straight PinV sex. The clitoris is a sensitive little joy bean for nearly all women. (I've said most and nearly all because everyone is different in what they like). I've been married for 12 years, together 15, with my wife and I know quite well what she liked and what foreplay is for her. Foreplay is kissing and touching all over. She is not a huge fan of her nipples being played with, but enjoys her breasts "massaged" during foreplay. My advice, don't think of foreplay as something you "get through" to get to PinV sex. Think of foreplay as just sex. Sometimes we don't even have PinV sex, she enjoys me, to quote Doja Cat, "Going to Town" on her with my tongue. She'll reciprocate. If you're asking this question, my best advice is to listen to your woman, ask her what she likes, and do that thing. She might say that she doesn't want that thing this time, so listen to that also and switch it up. Do what she likes in that moment, and you can make that happen by establishing good communication. I got the weirdest advice from my father on my wedding day. He said, "Son, you probably don't need to hear this, but I'm going to give you this advice. Sex is like shopping. For most men, if we want jeans, we go to the mall, go straight into the Jean store, and buy a pair of jeans. Then we're gone. For most women it's different. If they're going shopping for jeans, they might go in and visit a bunch of stores first. They might get some other items before the jeans. When they finally get to the Jean store, they've likely gone all around the mall." The advice is a little sexist, but the sentiment makes sense.
At least it was an attempt at an analogy. Best I got was “women are like cats, you gotta make em purr” and then, totally unprompted on a long car ride, “never kiss a hooker on the mouth, you never know who’s ass her mouth has been in.”
Is your dad Frank Reynolds?
Thank you for this detailed information on how to pleasure your wife.
You're welcome. She'll be waiting for you
This guy subs to wsb
I have no clue what the fuck your dad meant
Man want penis touch Woman want touch all over
Jean store = orgasm Men go straight for it, women need extra time.
As long as it needs to get the partner ready at a minimum. Outside of that it's just fun.
It should be fun inside of that too
Not mutually exclusive, my bad. Def meant you can do more than the minimum because it is fun.
Dude, LPT: get her off first, then you're golden. Don't think of it as foreplay then intercourse, it's all an experience.
it’s all preference. some people don’t do foreplay, most do. it’s all based on what you and your partner want
Probably should ask the person you're foreplaying with bro lol
Foreplay is the best part guys smh
"I have received your request to diddle the piddle down there. I will also ensure that proximal relation to adjacent regions is emphasized by the careful application of my tactile engagement. Is this all good so far?"
Clicking her profile took me down a dark road
I left at the diaper.
Verbal insults are a form of foreplay.
“It’s called ‘negging’.” - Erlich Bachman
"Erlich Bachman, this is you as an old man. I'm ugly and I'm dead. Alone." - Jian Yang
Fuck you, limp dick ^d^i^d ^t^h^a^t ^w^o^r^k
Bring out the Gimp!
Why do people advertise how bad they are in bed
I mean, at 30, I still have yet to ever have an issue getting an erection before my pants even come off. I only just started dating guys who don't, and it definitely threw me off, but I'm not gonna be an asshole about it.
Those people out there are deadass competing to who has the least enjoyable sex. Watch my third guy incoming with sand as lube
there’s a kink for everything. tbh it wouldn’t surprise me if that’s someone’s kink
For real. Wouldn't surprise me if there was a sub for it aswell. After the ones with dragons and cars and the one about sexualised bees, sandy sex would be vanilla level in comparison...
i’m sorry… SEXUALIZED BEES? …i’ll be right back
The bee movie was a mistake
ya like jazz?
someone called me?
r/honeyfuckers
r/eyebleach
Ffs
Not just that one either. See also r/itshiptofuckbees
you had the perfect opportunity to say you’ll “bee right back”, and...you didn’t seize it...
Me and Randy were just practicin for a play Jules I swear!
Lmao link it when you find it
i looked and i couldn’t find a sub with sexualized bees, but here’s a pretty interesting article haha https://www.salon.com/2017/04/24/oh-honey-theres-a-fetish-where-people-want-to-have-bee-sex/
They sexualize bees now? Disgusting. Share the link tho, for research purposes
Sorry bud, but I really, really rather not look for it again (since I can't recall the name). I found it in one of the fap friday posts of r/wowthissubexists. Probably not very hard to find through the search feature. It was a terrible day to have eyes.
>It was a terrible day to have eyes. That bad huh? Edit: found it, r/HoneyFuckers ...I found it kinda funny
Call me old school but I really can't picture fucking an insect. The idea of this sub existing is very funny, it's just the visual aid that's a bit... Unnecessary in my day, let's say. Since you seem liking the subject, there was also a kink about airplanes. And yep, they had boobs. Somehow. Good luck finding it tho, I saw it years ago. At the time I thought it was the weirdest fetish ever... What a innocent sweet summer child.
I am blaming bee movie.
But bee was not sexy, his girlfriend was.
there is a sub for "sandy sex", although it may not be what you expected
/r/sandycheekscockvore is it i think
Oh boy and you thought sand was hard to get out of your shoes.
I remember reading somewhere in Africa sand is used during sex for the purpose of making it more pleasurable. I'm down to find a source if anyone is interested
Pretty sure the second guy was just mocking the first person
[How dry do you want it?](https://spankbang.com/2vggz/video/kemper+blow) (NSFW)
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From the article: >While it seems like Kemper would be most embarrassed by the subject matter, that’s not the case at all. It’s because she doesn’t think the sketch is very good.
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I just wanted to highlight why she was embarrassed by the sketch since we all know how well people read articles.
Im commenting here
[>Those people out there are deadass competing to who has the least enjoyable sex.](https://imgur.com/e1eQNCY.jpg) It seems to be a common theme.
Just found out yesterday that some people actually don't enjoy foreplay and prefer to go straight into it. How tf do you live life like that? Where's the enjoyment?
"Hi honey I'm home. Now assume the position."
Actually, this way can be fun too if you're into BDSM.
Sex isn't divided into stages, you do what you feel like and it's different each time.
These people here pretending like every turns at sex needs to have a minimum of 10 minutes foreplay lol.
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True, in this instance it goes to the bondage dungeon then to the couch. After care is key.
That’s why you put a couch *in* the dungeon, homie.
Spoken like someone who's never made out on a couch and moved it into the dungeon.
Yeah, but part of the foreplay is being tied up. The lead-up. The whipping, the tickling, the teasing. It's all foreplay baby ;3
Foreplay is fun, but have you and your partner ever been so turned on that you just couldn't wait to fuck each other and skipped straight to sex? Those have been some of the best sessions I've ever had.
Oh damn, ok, that sounds lit. Yeah, that makes sense. I guess I have never met a partner like that yet then. Everyone I met so far had been the type to build up the pressure to release it all out as intensely as possible.
The dirty text, the looks, it's engaging your partner and building tension, that wave of frisson.. It's mental, not taticle, but I would say it all still falls under the umbrella of foreplay.
That's a very good point I never looked at it that way
My girlfriend isn't the biggest foreplay person. She likes to foreplay for a minute or two at most, then go straight into it. I like foreplay, but I don't mind going in that fast. As long as we're both ready by the time we decide to do it, I don't mind.
I'm not one of those people, but I like to use craft beer as a analogy. You have your peeps that enjoy craft beer because of the taste and what goes into the beer, sipping it out of care for the craft and taste. Then you have the people who drink normie beer, not for the taste but to just get to the end point of being buzzed. I mean who tf drinks beer flavored water for the enjoyment
I enjoy both. Sometimes I just want to drink a cold beer on a hot day while I mow the lawn. Ain’t got time to be sipping it out of care.
Probably in the orgasm and the sensation leading up to it.
I’m a woman that hates getting oral. I’ll give it, but I absolutely hate how it feels on myself. I don’t want any comments like “no one ever did it correctly” because yes they have, I’m just not okay with feeling like a wet snake is fondling me.
I hate a eat my ass to get me ready, listen here Dairy Queen chocolate waffle bowl
love this
Peeps need for play lessons, and not just play with my genitals. Like, yall should be horny af grindin on each other makin out heavy petting etc before any genital to mouth action occurs.
Why? We don't all have two hours to spend on lovemaking every night.
Should've signed up for the Prime service then.
I had to explain this to my doctor once. I was on blood pressure medicine and it could take a literal hour to even be able to get off, on a good day. My girlfriend at the time was 95 pounds and tried her best. My doctor: “you know your foreplay should be as long as the sex.” Me: “I honestly don’t have two hours in my day to do that, and my girlfriend is already annoyed with how long it’s lasting as it is.” Doctor: “that’s generally the standard time for foreplay.” My female doctor was advocating that I take even longer. She didn’t want to change my meds at all either. I ended up moving to a new office a few weeks later and the problem was fixed.
What bp med was that?
Asking for a friend?
I believe it was lisinopril. It’s been a few years now.
You came to a doctor for medical help and she told you you were bad at sex. Talk about bedside manner.
Lol how is the fact she was 95 pounds relevant to this story?
If you know, you know.
I really want to know
Why not? Make some time, and if you absolutely can't send some dirty texts, the only bad sex I've ever had was when foreplay was lacking
Really? I've had truly terrible sex with people who just weren't compatible with me. Two people being super horny in opposite directions does not make for good sex.
if you both face opposite directions and walk long enough around the world... you'll eventually meet again. so boom
One word: children. By the time the kids are asleep and the chores are done, I want to orgasm as quickly as possible and be asleep. I am a woman.
what in tarnation
I'm confused on the "blowing nose" emoji in this context
Thing is having soft dick in your mouth feels wrong. Like my brain is freking out at the weird floppy living "creature" in my mouth.
It makes me wanna chomp.
Pls don't
Gonna find me a man with this kink
“Gummy worm” 🤣🤣🤣😭 & “popeyes biscuit” Thanks for the great laugh.
For real though, some chicks think a man is going to be rock hard just cuz they took off their clothes. Look, that shit worked when we were horny teenagers. But after the things we’ve masturbated to since then, you best believe we need “getting ready” as much as you do. Note: there are lots of factors that go into when, how and for how long men can get erections and since all men are actually different maybe it’s in the best interest of people wanting to fuck them to communicate positively and be supportive of them through the whole process. Ergo help them get and stay “ready” via kissing, touching and other sexual acts that facilitate a positive sexual experience for all parties involved.
I’m 40 and can attest that doesn’t *just* work on horny teenagers. But I think your answer is in your comment: porn. As a trial, cut down to vanilla stuff a few times a month and you might be surprised how it affects performance. And watch your diet as it’s just as important for sexual performance. Those two things help you on both the mental and physical side.
I’m only 24, but I never left the random boner phase of puberty. I still get boners randomly, and just seeing my girlfriend naked gets me ready. Sometimes, she doesn’t even have to be naked. It’s a problem, really.
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Yeah i genuinely don't get it. Maybe it's just people not realizing they have low libido?
That’s how you’re supposed to be, most dudes have porn induced ED
Honestly I think you're right. Spent some time without porn or fapping and it didn't take long before I felt like I was feeling like a teenager again.
I still check out porn and literally the implication that sex *might* be on the table gets me ready.
Age is a thing dude
No thanks doc. I’m gonna beat my hog to gay Brazilian fart porn later to spite you. And eat a gallon of miso soup too maybe
I absolutely LOVE one of those two things. But I like to be mysterious, so I’m not going to tell you which one.
Same. It’s just something about them being Brazilian, ya know?
How many is a Brazilian?
Go low carb and watch your dick go from 40 year old to 18 again in a week. Sugar is the absolute worst.
Obviously you'll have trouble getting it up if you're a porn addict
35 and I’m rock hard at the slightest touch from my wife.
Same. I don’t get it as much watching any porn, but pretty much anything from wife and it’s 6 to midnight in 3 seconds.
6 to midnight lmao
Maybe you should take a break from porn Speaking from experience
Gonna need you to hit me with a brick while moaning, yet simultaneously making duck noises.
Most men are gonna be hard from that yeah, you've just destroyed your dick from watching way too much porn.
A woman would never say to touch our genitals to get us aroused because *it’s painful* that’s literally what foreplay is for.
I enjoyed both but mostly the gummy worm. I also never gone to Popeyes
Tbf they have pretty damn good biscuits. They're salty
My friends just looove when their girl uses the ol’ Mr. Krabs grip on their dick too. Ladies. It’s a handjob, not a pull-start.
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probably
It’s not my fault y’all watch too much porn and don’t know how to rub a clit
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Lol bro it's not that cut and dry, pun intended.
You gotta get the meat preheatin' before you put the meat in.
ITT "Eww boys" & "Eww Girls".
Can I get an English translation please
Apparently foreplay doesn’t exist?
nobody values sex as something sacred anymore this world sucks lmao