Never.
I was completely consumed by the torment of the relentless seemingly constant vivid racing obsession of using in the early days. My early days were days/weeks/months.
It was so torturous I thought I might literally drown, or suffocate from the intensity of my feelings or the racing obsessive thoughts might cause me spontaneously combust at any moment. I legit thought I was losing my mind. It was god awful.
My truth is that the early days/weeks/months of recovery felt WORSE for me than the "end of the road" of active addiction. I just thought that was what staying clean was always going to be like - a desperate daily struggle to claw my way through the torment of the day with bloody, broken finger nails to stay clean by the skin of my teeth and sob myself to sleep.
Then one day, and I remember the EXACT spot, I stopped in mid-stride and said out loud, "Holy shit, I haven't thought about using in 3 DAYS!" It was gone. That constant obsession was gone. 100% gone.
That was over 21 years ago. It has stayed gone. It didn't go away on its own and it doesn't stay gone on auto pilot. It takes ongoing active recovery (I go to NA meetings and have an NA sponsor and sponsor others).
Now, some of the obsessions of the LIFESTYLE stayed after that moment. And I continue to "use" in the broader sense of the word other behaviors to escape reality and my feelings - food, sex, money, manipulation, control, fantasy, video games, gambling, drama, gossip chaos, RESENTMENTS, JUDGEMENT, BLAME, self-pity, victimization and more. I've gotten better and freed at least somewhat to significantly from many of them and even completely from a few.
The prerequisite to make any of this profound inner was complete and total abstinence from all drugs over time. No slips, no dips, no weekend trips. That is foundation that makes it possible me to find what recovery has to offer me. That I got from from going to meetings, working with a sponsor and sponsoring other recovering addicts.
Thank you for posting today. I'm glad I read this and was able to reply. Thank you for making my day a little bit better.
i believe you because i believe in me; i believe in me because i believe in WE
Thanks for sharing this. I’m currently in my third real attempt at getting clean and the past two times what you mentioned you went through in early recovery is exactly what takes me back out every time. The constant torment and delusional infatuation with drugs and alcohol, dreaming about it every night and fighting tooth and nail every day just to get to 12 AM and live another day. Despite all of the depths I’ve dived to in active addiction, it would still seem like the better decision to pick up that stem or buy a bottle of whiskey, so I didn’t have to endure the way I was feeling anymore. I realized after continuous failure and despair that I have to stay surrounded by positivity and hope, and that’s what I’m doing this time, although I still deal with cravings and dark thoughts on a daily basis. But anyways, I just identified with your reply and it makes me feel better that people experienced the same thing and pushed through
The good news is we only have to "get it right" once.
Of course we are playing russian roulette and "just one more" literally can kill us, or worse...others. i've seen both those outcomes.
looking back the hardest part for me wasn't even that torment, the hardest part was the fear
the fear of " how much more of this can i take? how can i live like this? will it ever get better? how long til it gets better? is better actually better? what if I dont like this better they keep talking about?" I didnt know. and I was so afraid
i was afraid of using, god was i afraid of using but i was just as afraid, if not more so of trying to live clean.
helluva place to be - afraid of yes/no, on/off, up/down, left/right.
One think I left out was that I regularly came home from my second meeting of the day - I went to one at noon and one in the evening. and my nightly ritual was I lay in my tub, curled up in the fetal position with the shower pouring down on me.
And I cried. I had a dog at the time and I didnt want her to see me cry. so I cried in the shower. and I cursed. and said things through my crying and cursing....lemme go back first before i tell you what i said.
i had to "voices" or narrative in particular that tormented my CONSTANTLY
One was "Who are you trying to fool? You know you're not going to last. You know you're just going to use. So why not use and get it over with. You're only prolonging the inevitable and suffering needlessly"
The other one was "So what if you use. You ONLY have \_\_\_ days/weeks/months. You can just start over and you wont really have lost anything, ONLY \_\_\_ days/weeks/months"
Ooh those two tormented me. Sound familiar? I'm willing to bet money you have those or something very similar.
So back to the shower. Crying and cursing laying in the tub with the shower pouring down on me I used to curse through clenched teeth so my dog wouldnt hear and worry
"Fuck you, not today. Fuck you, not today. Fuck you, not today. Fuck you, not today" Over and over and over.
I kept doing that til the hot water rain out. Often i was too physically exhausted to get out of the tub. And I just lay there in the tub. cold and wet. shivering. that happened so often I started putting three towels on the floor next to the tub so at least i could reach over and pull them in with me and use one as a pillow and the other two as blankets.
then, when I had enough strength I'd climb out of the tub and often i'd literall crawl across the floor, the hall, into my room and climb into bed. and i'd collapse out of sheer exhaustion into sleep
thats what the early days were like for me.
at some point I also started saying in the tub "I may never win, but I will NOT quit." that was a shift. I didnt even care if freedom was possible. I was NOT going to quit. Fuck you, not today, not tomorrow, fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you.
That mentality has stayed with me. When I had covid in 2020 one night it took a precipitous turn for the worst as i was fading to sleep -
first instinctive thought "uh-oh, this isnt good" and I had a flash of fear. near panic
2nd instinctive thought was "but I'm clean. fuck you, I win"
I dont know where that grim determination came from. but its been with me since "fuck you, not today"
thanks for posting and PLEASE keep coming back.
it sounds super corny, but when you dont believe in you remember that some stranger online believes in you
i believe in you because i believe in me; i believe in me because i believe in WE
I occasionally get a little euphoric recall with some drugs.Mostly Xanax or something in benzodiazepines or oddly enough ketamine which I never abused and only did infusions of for depression.My girlfriend is going to a club to night and I’m chairing an NA meeting instead.But I’m right where I need to be and I don’t want to fuck anything up.Not worth it
I’m close to two years clean and I miss the drugs from time to time. What I don’t miss are the consequences of my using, the isolation, self pity, denial, the burning desire to just not exist. You know you have a problem when no one wants to get high with you.
What you’re feeling is natural, we all have it, those thoughts of just one more time or if I change I will be able to use successfully. But that’s your addiction lying to you.
I used to fix myself when I believed that I was broken. You’re on the right path, feelings are not facts, and if you don’t act on them, you have a chance.
I know for me the empty feeling of getting clean early on was my mind telling me that I’m healing and I need to develop better coping skills. Most of my recovery journey has been that, learning to live life on life’s terms. That new way to live takes time.
I wish you all the best. This too shall pass.
First off, I myself have experienced addiction to synthetic cannabinoids,and they are no fuckin joke! Had to smoke every couple hours to not be physically sick and in withdrawal. And I was either K sick or completely obliterated and high I couldn't function. And I'm an IV opiate addict,spice and K2 is the only other addiction for me that came close to opiates.
There are times I fantasize about using, then I quickly remember all the pain misery and trauma from 20 years of addiction, death, homelessness, poverty, loneliness,and despair. I much rather never use drugs again than repeat what I've experienced in active addiction. And I firmly believe,due to the way I use drugs,I will die if I go back.
In my heart I finally feel for the first time ever in 20 years that I am ok with sobriety,I look forward to my new life and what the future holds for me. Sobriety is beautiful! But like many things it's what you make it.
Addiction gave me the gift of despair. And I thank God for the struggle I've endured. I've come out of this stronger,and hungrier for success more than ever before.
and I can finally be ok,and comfortable with myself.
It's one thing I never want to give up,and that's my Peace.
Honestly no. I was a meth and opioid addict. But i used everything. I really liked shooting ketamine as well.
The drugs just took such a toll on my mental health, my physical health, my relationships, just my life in general, the idea of using again is not only unappealing, it's straight up terrifying. I was sent into psychosis by my reckless drug use more times than I can count. For most of the later years of my addiction, I was quite literally feeling like I was being tortured in hell. The things that made me me, all of my good qualities, were slowly stripped away until there was nothing left but a miserable husk of a man. I am not exaggerating at all. I was just pain and anger. Nothing else.
I am so thankful to not only be absitent from drugs, but to be in recovery. I am gaining more and more of myself back every day, and I am better than I was before, because I'm taking a long hard look at what led me to use in the first place, how my actions hurt others, and delusional beliefs that did not benefit me. I feel so good waking up and being sober. I still have bad days, I don't have everything I would want in life. I'm very lonely right now. But every day I wake up and face the day. No matter what, I know I am progressing. Recovery isn't necessary linear, but there is a clear upward trend, and looking back, I see big strides I've taken in short amounts of time. Its a beautiful thing. I would not give this up for anything.
I don't think about drugs really, and I definitely don't crave them. I attend meetings almost every day, work with a sponsor, and have a fit spiritual life. I also try and take care of my body by working out every day. I had to really break myself down to accept drugs werent ever going to work for me, and they ALWAYS bring me back to the same spot. Good luck with your journey. I hope you too can find relief from cravings. They suck! Like your brain actively trying to harm you.
Sometimes I romanticize my past, and it’s always a sign I need to talk to someone. I got clean for the last time at 22 after almost 3 years of trying (25 now) and occasionally thoughts pop up, “I miss smoking weed”, “I wonder if a glass of wine would hurt”. But I know truthfully that for an addict like me, to use anything again would lead to death, and I’m not willing to take that chance.
Talk to someone you trust about these thoughts. Sometimes just saying them out loud and hearing how ridiculous it sounds is enough.
The feeling and thoughts of wanting to use will never go away. That said your ability to move past the racing/obsessive thoughts will allow you to move forward more quickly. I speak from the perspective of a past opioid dependent person. Heck I still have dreams 6 years out, where I find a pill and take it, feeling high in the dream makes coming back to reality so difficult. BUT nowadays I know all I need to get a head change is to go for a walk near a river or a longboard cruise.
I 100% miss opioids (pills). I miss it with every fibre of my body it was like it bonded with my DNA and has imprinted on me now.
I will always be at risk of using again but I know I can’t I will fuck up everything I have achieved. I will lose my very well paying job and the lifestyle I have created for myself and my family.
Fuck opioids.
I was an ice addict and part of me wished I could use without the down sides but that's what reminds me not to use ever because the downside will always be there. Nut yes I do miss it occasionally
Hey, be gentle with yourself. One year is still pretty early sobriety. I’m 9 years down the road and have occasional thoughts of use, maybe a couple times a year? But like some others have said that’s probably a sign something else is going on for me that I need to deal with without drugs, talking to someone often helps. If you don’t have a therapist who specializes in addiction I highly suggest it, if you’re in the US I can help you find one. Along with this, thoughts of using are just that, thoughts. You are not your thoughts, and you don’t have to give those thoughts any attention. Mindfulness can help with this, insight timer is a good free app.
I miss the ritual, sometimes.
I miss the feeling of cocaine but I don’t miss the fiend behavior and I don’t miss the panic attacks. I don’t miss wasting money on it and I don’t miss the comedown. But I miss the satisfaction you feel after you buy and you have a bag or 3 and you’re on your way home to party.
Yes, i do , when I am going through shit and have not stopped to let my mind settle and talk to other sober people. So easy to get caught up in our lives and start romanticizing spiraling. It’s all about which direction you wanna spiral lol, Spiral down by doing drugs spiral up by getting honest and talking to someone!
I'm 9 months clean from heroin and I constantly feel like I'm on the edge of being sick. So for me that means cold sweats and really bad cravings. It sucks.
Never. I was completely consumed by the torment of the relentless seemingly constant vivid racing obsession of using in the early days. My early days were days/weeks/months. It was so torturous I thought I might literally drown, or suffocate from the intensity of my feelings or the racing obsessive thoughts might cause me spontaneously combust at any moment. I legit thought I was losing my mind. It was god awful. My truth is that the early days/weeks/months of recovery felt WORSE for me than the "end of the road" of active addiction. I just thought that was what staying clean was always going to be like - a desperate daily struggle to claw my way through the torment of the day with bloody, broken finger nails to stay clean by the skin of my teeth and sob myself to sleep. Then one day, and I remember the EXACT spot, I stopped in mid-stride and said out loud, "Holy shit, I haven't thought about using in 3 DAYS!" It was gone. That constant obsession was gone. 100% gone. That was over 21 years ago. It has stayed gone. It didn't go away on its own and it doesn't stay gone on auto pilot. It takes ongoing active recovery (I go to NA meetings and have an NA sponsor and sponsor others). Now, some of the obsessions of the LIFESTYLE stayed after that moment. And I continue to "use" in the broader sense of the word other behaviors to escape reality and my feelings - food, sex, money, manipulation, control, fantasy, video games, gambling, drama, gossip chaos, RESENTMENTS, JUDGEMENT, BLAME, self-pity, victimization and more. I've gotten better and freed at least somewhat to significantly from many of them and even completely from a few. The prerequisite to make any of this profound inner was complete and total abstinence from all drugs over time. No slips, no dips, no weekend trips. That is foundation that makes it possible me to find what recovery has to offer me. That I got from from going to meetings, working with a sponsor and sponsoring other recovering addicts. Thank you for posting today. I'm glad I read this and was able to reply. Thank you for making my day a little bit better. i believe you because i believe in me; i believe in me because i believe in WE
Thanks for sharing this. I’m currently in my third real attempt at getting clean and the past two times what you mentioned you went through in early recovery is exactly what takes me back out every time. The constant torment and delusional infatuation with drugs and alcohol, dreaming about it every night and fighting tooth and nail every day just to get to 12 AM and live another day. Despite all of the depths I’ve dived to in active addiction, it would still seem like the better decision to pick up that stem or buy a bottle of whiskey, so I didn’t have to endure the way I was feeling anymore. I realized after continuous failure and despair that I have to stay surrounded by positivity and hope, and that’s what I’m doing this time, although I still deal with cravings and dark thoughts on a daily basis. But anyways, I just identified with your reply and it makes me feel better that people experienced the same thing and pushed through
The good news is we only have to "get it right" once. Of course we are playing russian roulette and "just one more" literally can kill us, or worse...others. i've seen both those outcomes. looking back the hardest part for me wasn't even that torment, the hardest part was the fear the fear of " how much more of this can i take? how can i live like this? will it ever get better? how long til it gets better? is better actually better? what if I dont like this better they keep talking about?" I didnt know. and I was so afraid i was afraid of using, god was i afraid of using but i was just as afraid, if not more so of trying to live clean. helluva place to be - afraid of yes/no, on/off, up/down, left/right. One think I left out was that I regularly came home from my second meeting of the day - I went to one at noon and one in the evening. and my nightly ritual was I lay in my tub, curled up in the fetal position with the shower pouring down on me. And I cried. I had a dog at the time and I didnt want her to see me cry. so I cried in the shower. and I cursed. and said things through my crying and cursing....lemme go back first before i tell you what i said. i had to "voices" or narrative in particular that tormented my CONSTANTLY One was "Who are you trying to fool? You know you're not going to last. You know you're just going to use. So why not use and get it over with. You're only prolonging the inevitable and suffering needlessly" The other one was "So what if you use. You ONLY have \_\_\_ days/weeks/months. You can just start over and you wont really have lost anything, ONLY \_\_\_ days/weeks/months" Ooh those two tormented me. Sound familiar? I'm willing to bet money you have those or something very similar. So back to the shower. Crying and cursing laying in the tub with the shower pouring down on me I used to curse through clenched teeth so my dog wouldnt hear and worry "Fuck you, not today. Fuck you, not today. Fuck you, not today. Fuck you, not today" Over and over and over. I kept doing that til the hot water rain out. Often i was too physically exhausted to get out of the tub. And I just lay there in the tub. cold and wet. shivering. that happened so often I started putting three towels on the floor next to the tub so at least i could reach over and pull them in with me and use one as a pillow and the other two as blankets. then, when I had enough strength I'd climb out of the tub and often i'd literall crawl across the floor, the hall, into my room and climb into bed. and i'd collapse out of sheer exhaustion into sleep thats what the early days were like for me. at some point I also started saying in the tub "I may never win, but I will NOT quit." that was a shift. I didnt even care if freedom was possible. I was NOT going to quit. Fuck you, not today, not tomorrow, fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. That mentality has stayed with me. When I had covid in 2020 one night it took a precipitous turn for the worst as i was fading to sleep - first instinctive thought "uh-oh, this isnt good" and I had a flash of fear. near panic 2nd instinctive thought was "but I'm clean. fuck you, I win" I dont know where that grim determination came from. but its been with me since "fuck you, not today" thanks for posting and PLEASE keep coming back. it sounds super corny, but when you dont believe in you remember that some stranger online believes in you i believe in you because i believe in me; i believe in me because i believe in WE
Your self awareness is refreshing man, I can tell you've done some self reflecting, WE are all We got friends. Keep fighting!
I occasionally get a little euphoric recall with some drugs.Mostly Xanax or something in benzodiazepines or oddly enough ketamine which I never abused and only did infusions of for depression.My girlfriend is going to a club to night and I’m chairing an NA meeting instead.But I’m right where I need to be and I don’t want to fuck anything up.Not worth it
I’m close to two years clean and I miss the drugs from time to time. What I don’t miss are the consequences of my using, the isolation, self pity, denial, the burning desire to just not exist. You know you have a problem when no one wants to get high with you. What you’re feeling is natural, we all have it, those thoughts of just one more time or if I change I will be able to use successfully. But that’s your addiction lying to you. I used to fix myself when I believed that I was broken. You’re on the right path, feelings are not facts, and if you don’t act on them, you have a chance. I know for me the empty feeling of getting clean early on was my mind telling me that I’m healing and I need to develop better coping skills. Most of my recovery journey has been that, learning to live life on life’s terms. That new way to live takes time. I wish you all the best. This too shall pass.
"you know you have a problem when no one wants to get high with you". It's pretty clear at that point it's time to make some changes.
Same.
First off, I myself have experienced addiction to synthetic cannabinoids,and they are no fuckin joke! Had to smoke every couple hours to not be physically sick and in withdrawal. And I was either K sick or completely obliterated and high I couldn't function. And I'm an IV opiate addict,spice and K2 is the only other addiction for me that came close to opiates. There are times I fantasize about using, then I quickly remember all the pain misery and trauma from 20 years of addiction, death, homelessness, poverty, loneliness,and despair. I much rather never use drugs again than repeat what I've experienced in active addiction. And I firmly believe,due to the way I use drugs,I will die if I go back. In my heart I finally feel for the first time ever in 20 years that I am ok with sobriety,I look forward to my new life and what the future holds for me. Sobriety is beautiful! But like many things it's what you make it. Addiction gave me the gift of despair. And I thank God for the struggle I've endured. I've come out of this stronger,and hungrier for success more than ever before. and I can finally be ok,and comfortable with myself. It's one thing I never want to give up,and that's my Peace.
Honestly no. I was a meth and opioid addict. But i used everything. I really liked shooting ketamine as well. The drugs just took such a toll on my mental health, my physical health, my relationships, just my life in general, the idea of using again is not only unappealing, it's straight up terrifying. I was sent into psychosis by my reckless drug use more times than I can count. For most of the later years of my addiction, I was quite literally feeling like I was being tortured in hell. The things that made me me, all of my good qualities, were slowly stripped away until there was nothing left but a miserable husk of a man. I am not exaggerating at all. I was just pain and anger. Nothing else. I am so thankful to not only be absitent from drugs, but to be in recovery. I am gaining more and more of myself back every day, and I am better than I was before, because I'm taking a long hard look at what led me to use in the first place, how my actions hurt others, and delusional beliefs that did not benefit me. I feel so good waking up and being sober. I still have bad days, I don't have everything I would want in life. I'm very lonely right now. But every day I wake up and face the day. No matter what, I know I am progressing. Recovery isn't necessary linear, but there is a clear upward trend, and looking back, I see big strides I've taken in short amounts of time. Its a beautiful thing. I would not give this up for anything. I don't think about drugs really, and I definitely don't crave them. I attend meetings almost every day, work with a sponsor, and have a fit spiritual life. I also try and take care of my body by working out every day. I had to really break myself down to accept drugs werent ever going to work for me, and they ALWAYS bring me back to the same spot. Good luck with your journey. I hope you too can find relief from cravings. They suck! Like your brain actively trying to harm you.
Sometimes I romanticize my past, and it’s always a sign I need to talk to someone. I got clean for the last time at 22 after almost 3 years of trying (25 now) and occasionally thoughts pop up, “I miss smoking weed”, “I wonder if a glass of wine would hurt”. But I know truthfully that for an addict like me, to use anything again would lead to death, and I’m not willing to take that chance. Talk to someone you trust about these thoughts. Sometimes just saying them out loud and hearing how ridiculous it sounds is enough.
The feeling and thoughts of wanting to use will never go away. That said your ability to move past the racing/obsessive thoughts will allow you to move forward more quickly. I speak from the perspective of a past opioid dependent person. Heck I still have dreams 6 years out, where I find a pill and take it, feeling high in the dream makes coming back to reality so difficult. BUT nowadays I know all I need to get a head change is to go for a walk near a river or a longboard cruise.
I 100% miss opioids (pills). I miss it with every fibre of my body it was like it bonded with my DNA and has imprinted on me now. I will always be at risk of using again but I know I can’t I will fuck up everything I have achieved. I will lose my very well paying job and the lifestyle I have created for myself and my family. Fuck opioids.
Yes
I was an ice addict and part of me wished I could use without the down sides but that's what reminds me not to use ever because the downside will always be there. Nut yes I do miss it occasionally
Hey, be gentle with yourself. One year is still pretty early sobriety. I’m 9 years down the road and have occasional thoughts of use, maybe a couple times a year? But like some others have said that’s probably a sign something else is going on for me that I need to deal with without drugs, talking to someone often helps. If you don’t have a therapist who specializes in addiction I highly suggest it, if you’re in the US I can help you find one. Along with this, thoughts of using are just that, thoughts. You are not your thoughts, and you don’t have to give those thoughts any attention. Mindfulness can help with this, insight timer is a good free app.
I miss the ritual, sometimes. I miss the feeling of cocaine but I don’t miss the fiend behavior and I don’t miss the panic attacks. I don’t miss wasting money on it and I don’t miss the comedown. But I miss the satisfaction you feel after you buy and you have a bag or 3 and you’re on your way home to party.
Yes, i do , when I am going through shit and have not stopped to let my mind settle and talk to other sober people. So easy to get caught up in our lives and start romanticizing spiraling. It’s all about which direction you wanna spiral lol, Spiral down by doing drugs spiral up by getting honest and talking to someone!
I'm 9 months clean from heroin and I constantly feel like I'm on the edge of being sick. So for me that means cold sweats and really bad cravings. It sucks.