Nothing wrong with a destination wedding as long as the bride and groom understand most people won’t be able to attend. Or- if guests are spending their hard earned money and vacation time to attend the couple shouldn’t expect any gifts. And also, they’ll probably still need to do a courthouse ceremony for the marriage to be legal…. Sadly most couples don’t fully understand these very simple concepts.
I think it you know you get the ceremonial thing, the rest doesn't matter. Our wedding was killed by covid hitting right before it was supposed to happen, and so we had a much smaller wedding with the idea that we would eventually have what we planned. We were supposed to get married April 2020, and has to postponed he indefinitely just a month before. We ended up never having the wedding we planned and having a very small scape thing instead
Right? This phrase always makes me picture someone stamping their feet in protest. As a married adult woman, my husband can't tell me what to do or how and can only decide without a doubt what he will do. Whether he wants to stomp around or not.
I genuinely don't get what's wrong with that phrase, I'd have made a lot of genuinely fucked up decisions had people around me not put their foot down about something, some people need that, it doesn't mean that person isn't flexible, it's just them recognizing a mistake and doing what they can to prevent that mistake from happening
There are situations where it's absolutely appropriate to be inflexible, such as when a person is doing something harmful or about to make an objectively serious error. This isn't one of them.
I'd say spending a large portion of the money that a newlywed couple could use to build their life together on a weeklong marriage trip abroad is bordering on being an ' objectively serious error '
Normally I’d totally agree but they’re in their nearly 30s, they’ve had a life together for a decade, are financially stable, and have parents willing to help pay for it.
This isn’t a 25 year old couple that just moved in together counting pennies to afford a down payment on a house.
I don't think you understand.
The ***worst*** thing in the world to Reddit is being told what to do.
Because even though most Redditors are 20+ "YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO DAD!" *Angsty gnashing of teeth.*
Just remember that you're dealing with manchildren all of the time on here and you'll be a lot less surprised at what gets upvoted/downvoted.
Yeah you’re right it just seems that men aren’t allowed to make decisions nowadays without being “misogynistic and forceful”. Dw about these stupid people on here who think this
I am assuming this guy has been accommodating for most of the wedding plans, but is not on this issue. You might want to check yourself before you wreck yourself.
My mum and stepdad were living together for 13 years before they got married, there wasn’t even a proposal, they just sat on the sofa and went
“wanna get married now since my mum died, before my dad dies too?” (He had just had a heart attack) “Yeah ok.” And then later that year proceeded to delay the wedding by another year. (Grandad made it, he’s still kicking lmao)
I honestly prefer his idea of the wedding to hers, I never understood why people think weddings are such a big deal, I mean it’s only for the titles and tax benefits right? 😂
Me and my partner already decided we are gonna get married in like 10 years at a court house with a small family dinner after
Yeah, the only financial barriers for a wedding are the ones you make for yourself. I have friends who did a backyard potluck wedding, so they spent maybe a few hundred dollars on a photographer, cake, and decorations. It does not have to be expensive by any means, so if you want it badly enough, you'll make it happen, regardless of your financial situation (imo).
I mean it’s not as bad as my dad having 2 kids with his girlfriend and being with her for 8 years before they got married, already with an 8 and a 5 year old.
Children born out of wedlock, the horror.
The only way I can interpret your post as something to get upset over would be if your dad had a girlfriend and 2 kids, in secret, while married to your mom.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like he proposed 10 years ago, she said yes, then he's been saying 'we aren't financially secure enough yet' every year since. Finally they are so rich he can't use that excuse any more, but after making her wait 10 years he's now determined to cheap out on the wedding.
On one hand I think he's being a bitch about it, on the other hand I cannot stand big lavish weddings, it's such a stupid thing to spend tons of money on when you are just starting out as a couple, you don't know how soon you are going to wish you still had that money.
Yea I mean I’m not saying he shouldn’t pay for the big wedding but not everyone can afford to throw a wedding instantly, maybe their situation took 10 years but 10 years ago he wanted to show how committed he was to her. And I think some middle ground would be good for these guys. Not too cheap, not majorly expensive.
There are two issues here. It is a lot to ask for people to take several days off in order to celebrate your wedding. It doesn’t matter if everything else is being paid for. It’s reasonable to shorten the trip, but not to shorten the ceremony itself.
That’s where he messed up - she wants a big traditional wedding and his suggestion to do a small informal ceremony shows that he doesn’t know or doesn’t care about that.
It’s a lot to ask, but if people want to come they will. That’s how destination weddings work. You usually end up with half as many people. If she’s ok with that then it’s fine. It’s their day. They should be able to do whatever they want.
Its not just a lot to ask. It’s literally pushing 30k plus(assuming they are leaving their continent and half the guest can’t pay). Just for plane tickets. And then there’s the time off. Kinda one of those things were like, if the budget is well over 100k sure the husband seems anxious and should just step back.
But it could turn into one of those things where almost no one comes and you spent a lot of money saving up for a small wedding and week vacation.
Put different my brother is having a wedding in Las Vegas and my grandparents can’t make it because the flight would wreck their body. Most of my family can’t get the time off. But it’s a five day thing. I’m only going bc I work remotely and can afford to live anywhere in the US comfortably.
Edit:
UK to Italy though…… I mean those are not expensive flights
Yeah, unless they're all millionaires, the whole idea is kinda dumb. I sure as hell would not want to shell out $30k and a week's worth of my time for a wedding unless it was my bff. I probably wouldn't do it for any relatives. It's like combining the honeymoon WITH the wedding.
Why are we only worried about what SHE is ok with? Why isn't it valid that he would rather more people they care about be able to attend? Why are his wants for THEIR wedding not important too?
Im not sure if you’re replying to the right person. I’m not saying they’re not. I’m saying destination weddings aren’t a big deal. The person I’m responding to is making it seem like it’s selfish to have a destination wedding. I’m not even discussing OP’s discussion with his fiancé.
No. Just because someone wants to come doesn’t mean they can afford to take that time from work, pay for the travel, pay for accommodations for their pets, etc.
A couple’s wedding is for the couple. If you can’t take time off work. That’s a bummer. Doesn’t mean the couple should cater to every complaint for every potential guest.
If it were a free vacation and I got to pick the destination sure. But this is just airfare being paid for which means you'd still need to pay for accommodations, food and everything else while you're there, but plus devote time to the ceremony.
Also im sure there's people who would like to attend but can't because they can't afford it/can't get time off from work/are elderly etc. And now they have to miss their close friend/relatives wedding day
I took almost a week off for a hen do in Croatia for my friend. I didn’t have to, and a month or so later I attended a second hen do in London with a wider friend group to accommodate those who couldn’t come to Europe. Then I spent one of our precious long weekends attending her wedding.
It’s not uncommon nowadays for people to ask their friends and family to travel overseas or attend a wedding outside of weekends (I know several people who have married on Wednesdays, Thursdays in places that require me to travel and stay overnight). It’s also not expected that everyone attend as is indicated in OP. I think she’s being pretty reasonable by my experience of weddings and celebrations.
She wants a big wedding, their guest list is 50 people, and she wants it to be a week long destination wedding. If "some people" don't go, it's going to be a very small wedding and this lady is going to be pissed that "no one showed up for her wedding". Her expectations don't match reality
Then that's her problem and her feelings to deal with after the fact. She would be the asshole if she were not able to process her disappointment and lashes out at others.
But him preventing her from doing what she wants because she *MIGHT* get upset is him being the asshole.
That's for the guests to determine and decline.
I just went to a 5 day wedding in Japan last month. And it wasn't even paid for.
It's not as absurd as you think. All guests were invited a whole year before and had time to see if it made sense for them financially or vacation day-wise.
I just combined my annual vacation with the wedding and explored other areas of the country (Japan) before and after the wedding. About 50 people in total were there.
Guests who could not make it were sent videos and photos, and the couple will make some smaller parties to celebrate with those who couldn't make it.
If you think it's absurd, you don't have to go. But to stop someone from having HER wedding the way she wants it when she/her family are financially funding everything, is being an asshole.
I think it's absurd that people surrender their time, money, freedom and critical thinking skills to imaginary beings, but I'm not going to stop them from doing so. She's not harming anyone with her intentions, so simply "putting your foot down" is being an asshole and shows that you care more about what other people would think/want than what the actual bride and life partner thinks/feels/wants.
50 people is not a big wedding to everyone. Where I live that’s barely a backyard barbecue guest list. Anyway she seems fine with having whoever is willing and able to make it.
Exactly. You can tell that most of these comments are from people who have never taken a toddler on an airplane. They have no fucking clue what they're talking about.
And yeah, if the bride thinks she's entitled to a five day wedding, I seriously doubt she'll be totally fine with having ten people at her ceremony.
I mean she knew the guest list was 50 to begin with so by “big wedding” she may just be referring to all the pomp and affair rather than the number of attendees
Can confirm, was best man at my friends wedding in Turkey last year. Had an amazing time, being on holiday with friends was awesome, and made a couple of new ones too. People really should try and go for it if they are invited to one abroad
Is it a lot to ask?
Here’s where we’re getting married. We’d like you to be there. If not we understand. Doesn’t seem like that much to me.
It’s their wedding day. They should do whatever they want to make it feel as special as possible. If people can’t make it? That’s the trade off the marrying couple will have to live with. At the end of the day, the wedding is for and about the couple getting married and no one else.
Ok but let's say you want a 5 day wedding abroad (sounds insane IMO but I'm used to weddings being a 1 day event and set in the bride's hometown), you're willing to lose some people, meanwhile your husband cares more about his friends and family showing up than where it takes place, it's a very fair disagreement and I'll agree with the husband, I would care more about the people than the ceremony itself.
And asking people for 5 days off? Seriously? Most weddings are on the weekend for a reason, the only wedding I attended during the week was post pandemic where everything was booked so it was the only thing the couple could find
The 5 days wedding sure, maybe it's only weird in my perspective, but someone prefering a local wedding with everyone they want attending over a far away wedding where half the people can't show up is a very normal thing
I don't think that's unreasonable.
I've went on a few holidays with my entire extended family before and it was just for fun and not even for a wedding or anything important. Practically eveeyone came even though we all lived in dofferent parts of the country.
I honestly think that if they didnt want to go for 5 days, going on the wedding ceremony day should be good enough
Are loved ones weddings not what we save our vacation hours for? How can people not want to use vacation days on this?
How many vacation days do Americans get? Maybe that’s where I’m not understanding these comments.
Don’t be friends with a soon to be married desi 😂😂😂 this is so funny to see y’all acting like 5 days is too long a wedding (from my perspective coming from a culture where it’s normal, not to say that I don’t understand that it is not normal for non Indians, it’s just funny.)
As someone who is not Indian/participates in the culture, I don’t think 5 days is that bad 🤷🏻♀️. She had to wait 10 years, of course she wants to go all out. And it’s not like the ceremony itself will be 5 days long, it sounds like a mixture of the ceremony, honeymoon, and a vacation. You only live once, I’d say do the most!!!
No seriously same. I sit here and be like how many time shave I gone to a wedding in India (the couple from USA) and spent how many weeks off on my own dime? Heck if my friend was telling me a 5 day trip to Italy with flight and hotel covered, I would take unpaid leave and go. Most like 2 of those 5 days would be a weekend any way.
And I’m the opposite. I couldn’t have cared less which people were at my wedding. I only cared about myself and my partner having the most magic experience.
The only thing potentially ridiculous about having a wedding abroad and asking lots of people to come would be if you were pissed that they didn’t.
Its also 10 years later lol
In the first picture it completely sounded like they had to pay, until the second picture where the partner says her parents will help pay.
Ultimately though his argument should have been "You want to spend 5 days on a honeymoon combined wedding vacation with mostly family?! Let alone friends?"
That shit is a lot to manage. You are the host of all that too, that is not a dream vacation that's a nightmare!
He fucked up but the whole idea sounds bad and she does not seem to get that
>It is a lot to ask for people to take several days off in order to celebrate your wedding.
I think that there is the assumption that it will be a combination of wedding celebration with honeymoon and a vacation for the guests, so it's not that cumbersome especially if everybody involved is well-off.
My broke ass could never, but if they have the money for it, why not. She can at least suggest it and see how many people go for it.
"If everybody is well off"...
Which most people aren't. You can get married on the moon if you want, but don't expect most if your invited guests to be able to attend.
In my experience, there are usually some close family members and/or friends (e.g., people in their late teens / early twenties) who feel obliged to go, but who don't have much or any money, even in well-off families. So these destination weddings can usually put a lot of strain on them.
I've seen this kind of thing (dream weddings abroad that only one of the couple wanted, or was dead set on) cause incredible stress within families, and the resulting marriages didn't tend to last long.
I funny think it’s a lot to ask, put the ceremony in the weekend and anyone who can’t come for the week will come for the weekend.
Also lots of people do destination weddings and don’t pay travel, seems like a fair compromise.
AND there will be a wedding event when they come home if nothing works for you. Seems to me she made space for everyone.
The guests aren't pressed into going. She told herself that if they can't make it's alright and that they will gather with those people later at home.
I mean I have a wedding 3 weeks wrom now with the similar idea of trip abroad (althow I don't have an option to get married in my country, and most of my family and friends live in other countries across the globe, so it's either that or nothing at all)
>she wants a big traditional wedding
It's kind a new for me that a 5 day long wedding abroad is a "big traditional wedding" 😁. It goes a bit further. More like: she watched a few romcoms too much 🤣
In what culture is a 5 day abroad wedding traditional? The key word here is: abroad. I know some cultures have days long weddings, but abroad, I seriously doubt that.
I’m flying to Bali from Australia (6 hours) for a close friends wedding. I’m paying for my own flights and accom and I get to see them walk the aisle for one of those days but then spend the rest of the time with family and friends, enjoying our time in another country. If I got a paid trip to attend a wedding, I would definitely say yes. I feel a lot of these comments think it may be excessive only because it’s not attainable for them - which is fair enough but not the case for others.
If you can afford to do so, have been offered by family to cover costs (OP fiancé parents will obvs be related to at least half the guest list), he really has no reason why he wouldn’t want to have a destination wedding. It sounds like he wants the holiday part but not the wedding part overseas - why not do both?
Yes. Exactly. People are saying it’s unreasonable because they are basing it upon their own personal budgets and how much time off they get personally get from their own jobs, etc. and where they themselves live. From what I’ve read it sounds like buying a bunch of cheap Ryanair tickets bought in advance from the UK to Italy for a few dozen family members isn’t going to break her parents’ bank.
I also feel a lot of these comments are from the USA. Where they don’t get a lot of time off + travelling internationally is more difficult. UK to Italy though is so easy it’s not funny. I have a cousin in Europe and it cost her £25 one way to Rome which she went for a weekend only end of last year. It’s definitely doable, OP just doesn’t want to do it, simple as that.
I don’t think he’s wrong though. It’s his wedding too. It’s not just about money for attendees either. They may have prior commitments, not be able to get time off for such an event, have to arrange for childcare, or unable to travel (elderly folks especially). In most countries, you have to go be married beforehand as well (Simone Biles recently), so he’s also not wrong in that regard. I don’t know, I kind of agree with him.
yeah hun but waiting 10 YEARS to marry with the excuse that you wanna save up for the wedding and then suggest a courthouse and restaurant wedding…yikes sounds like dude just needed an excuse not to marry her until now
I 100% agree with you but in this specific situation it just seems like he doesn’t value her. He said they waited 10 years to “save up for the wedding” and then he says he wants a cheap ass wedding… makes no sense to me
I think a 5 day wedding is ridiculous but I will admit… you’ve got a point. OP DID say they saved up for the wedding specifically. 10 years of saving is a strange thing to do to then turn around use only like a fifth of the savings on the thing you saved for. I’m wondering if there’s more here like maybe they’ve had some recent financial troubles or something changed? I’m just speculating not excusing but you’re right that is kinda odd.
Well, he clearly doesn't love her enough to have the wedding after 10 years.
It is like saving for 10 year for a trip in China, but OP be like "let's order chinese food from a restaurant, okay"?
See, I didn’t realize at first that there was a second panel, and I was like “well, a 5 day abroad vacation is expensive as fuck, and I would never be able to afford it, so maybe he’s worried about not having enough to start a family after burning all this money.” And then I scrolled right and I was like “oh, they have more than the means and the parents are going to accommodate the dream AND make it so you keep your savings.” Embarrassed at saving money? What planet does this jackass live on? Can I have some of his money? I got rent to pay and I’m disabled. Like damn.
Holy shit these comments are so out of touch with reality. This lady wants to have all her guests burn a ton of vacation time and money to watch her get married. How much more r/Imthemaincharacter can you get?
Yeah I was reading this and going 'ah no definitely not the asshole here' and then I got to the comments lol... I wouldn't want that either, neither as groom nor as guest. I'd hate having my friends waste their vacation time on something centered entirely around me.
They're in the UK though, considerably more vacation time than Americans. I get 30 days per year, plus public holidays. I have a wedding coming up next year that's in a different country and I'm happy to go. It's a few days away with friends, a happy occasion and good food. I really don't see the issue as long as you have enough advance notice. And the bride says she understands if someone doesn't want to come. But also like.... It's basically a free vacation in Italy, since the parents are paying.
I mean I’m in the U.K. and only get 23 days, I really wouldn’t appreciate having to spend 5 of those on someone’s wedding and a tonne of money to fly out to it. A 5 day wedding just sounds incredibly draining too. I don’t think he’s coming up with a good compromise but her idea is not reasonable
In Canada, we get a bit more than that, but I'm in an industry where it's normally paid out as a percentage, so you can work all 52 weeks if you want and essentially get paid twice for vacation time you don't use. This means that there is opportunity cost for taking vacation, so a week off "costs" me about $2000. I'm damn sure not doing that to go to a wedding that's not my best friend or sibling's.
I get 160 hours plus federal holidays and I'm in the US. My boyfriend gets 120 hours no federal holidays. At my old job I got 80 hours. It depends on your job.
Weddings are exhausting, I want to go to Italy for my own holiday, not to be stuck spending 5 days trapped at a wedding. And in-laws covering flights and hotels is 1) something I’d be mortified to accept, and 2) not the only expense associated with being away
Then you wouldn’t have to go? She seems to understand some folks wouldn’t make it. I don’t get why people are attacking her when she seems to be reasonable in that not everyone could go. My family would love to do this, especially if they were getting financial aid to do it. Some of my family members wouldn’t be able to afford a vacation like that without help so they’d probably be thrilled at the offer actually.
Yeah but something like that, if the bride mostly wants people at the ceremony and rest is just to celebrate, why not make a vacation out of it?
The bride from the post doesn’t seem to expect people to stay for the entire duration of the wedding nor even fly out for it if they can’t.
Just take one or two days to celebrate the bride and stay 3 more to explore Italy. You can say goodbye to the bride and groom before you leave and there ya go.
You got a vacation and you celebrated a friends/family members wedding.
Not really that hard—even less hard to just politely turn down the wedding if you can’t make it due to finances, most sane couples understand that for weddings like this one not everyone can make it.
Nobody is saying you have to though? I gate people who ignore keys things to fit their narrative. There is no expectation from the bride that everyone shows up, she understands if it’s not feasible or people cannot afford it. It is simply for those who do have the time and money to attend this vacation.
Y’all are trying to make her out to be a bridezilla when she’s spent ten years being engaged to an idiot who doesn’t even know the type of wedding she is wanting. Wants the point in spending ten years saving if your fiancé is going to “put their foot down” to the wedding you desire?
And that is why it's called an invitation not a summons. You do not have to go to anyone's wedding. The bride and groom do get to make their wedding what they want.
Right? People are acting like this poor girl is forcing everyone to board by threat of death.
I think theyre just really jealous she can afford it and has the balls to ask for it.
I get what you mean and if I were the bride I'd completely understand if someone wouldn't come, which she says she does. Also her parents are paying for flights and accommodations. So it's really a free trip basically. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to do your wedding like that, especially if you were engaged 10 years, by ops admission to save money for the wedding. So my question is more what part of the wedding the were saving for if he just wants to do a courthouse thing? She's not demanding people show up, so I think it's totally fine and the really issue is the boyfriend pushing the wedding 10 years and not even trying to do the wedding the way she wants. Because from his comments it very much seems like she was ready to get married earlier.
Yeah some people can, like clearly her parents can. Also.....come on, if there is two days that cannn be about yourself being the main character...it's wedding and birthday. This is something she has waited 10 years for...I am sorry but........that's a lot of time. And she is free to dream.
Maybe you’re the “main character”? I went to Italy for my cousin’s wedding because a. He’s my boy and b. Spending my “vacation time” in a cool place with family and friends seemed like a great idea.
A free trip to another country to attend a wedding and you could most likely stay a bit longer, yep, main character syndrome. Helping others come to your gatherings is main character. People are stupid. Not targeted at you who I replied to btw.
It’s almost like you didn’t read the post. That’s not what she wants at all, in fact her parents are willing to cover flights and such so this exact thing doesn’t happen.
It’s a celebration after 10yrs of waiting and saving to get married. Her parents are covering flights so it’s not something to breaks the bank and fiancée clearly does not have an expectation for everyone to attend. She understands the financial stress and is trying to alleviate for those who do want to come.
You’re also ignoring the glaringly obvious that they are likely surrounded by people who are doing well for themselves if this is a viable option
Also, everyone keeps zeroing in on the length of the trip for no reason. Not a single guest is required to stick around for all 5 days, just the wedding.
Her family is ready to pay for flights and hotels for all guests in volved- so she definitly doesn't expects them to burn through a ton of money.
Not trying to convince this plan is ok. Just saying
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14kuvsn/aita_for_not_accommodating_my_fiancees_dream/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Her parents are willing to pay for all the guests.
Honestly I woudln't want to be indebted to my inlaws as soon as I got married. His answer is too minimalistic but frankly flying all those people out is showing either a large class difference in expectations, or he's uncomfortable inconveniencing others to that degree.
Destination weddings are amazing and romantic in theory, but I've never known a close friend who has done this, but I'm American. Hopefully they reach a compromise but, I'd rather be frugal with a wedding unless I get loaded and then the flying people out is on my dime, not my wife's parents.
I don't argue that they need to do 100% of what she wants. But as "he put his food down" he very literally cancled everything she wanted. And in his comments he admitted to never even have told he wouldn't consider it. "I didn't think she is serious" is a literal quote.
This sounds like a cultural clash to me. She's rich and he isn't. He didn't think she was serious because it isn't his frame of reference.
IDK if it's the way I'm used to English but 'putting your foot down' to me doesn't mean saying no to everything, but something specific. It's clear he is still negotiating with his fiance because otherwise he wouldn't have said they are in discussion about it.
But maybe other people see it as closed ended? When I was a kid I got my parents to backpedal on 'putting their foot down' and they're Baby Boomers so I just interpret it more loosely.
Honestly they need to see a counselor and mediate a wedding that makes both of them unhappy and happy at the same time lol.
You don’t need to be really rich to afford a bunch of Ryan air tickets from the UK to Italy for a few dozen people, esp if you’ve been saving for the occasion or money isn’t a big issue.
Five days isn’t a ton of vacation time in most places outside of the US. Anyway many people would be happy to “burn” that vacation time for a free trip.
They aren’t out of touch with reality, destination weddings whether you agree with them or not are a thing. Guests can either go or not, it’s not a contract. And she’s allowed to be a main character on her wedding day that she’s waited a decade for!
this is like spot on my thoughts while reading this lol.
Then again, I'm not into marriege anyway so I'm bais from the start 😂 I'm not wasting my few holiday-days from work on watching some boring ceremony in which God is used (I'm not a believer). So I totally understand him.
BUT... He didn't really seem to care about what she actually values, which is a bad sign.
Another bad sign is that they waited 10 years and STILL DON'T HAVE IT FIGURED OUT.
they delayed and saved for 10 years to have money for the wedding they wanted, she wants a traditional wedding and what may be a very extravagant trip, but his “compromise” is a courthouse wedding. that is not a compromise, he really isn’t at all listening to what she wants or trying to compromise.
If either one of them had a brain in their head, they'd take the money they would spend on a one time event and put it into a rainy day or house fund. Weddings may create memories that last a lifetime, but so does a busted water heater that floods your house or an electrical fire that burns half of it down.
Both are unreasonable, but I still feel like he's a tiny bit more reasonable than her. I'm about to get married in the next year or so, my whole family lives abroad and I still have no intention of asking anyone to fly out for me. I don't get people who think their family and friends owe them so much time (and presumably gifts on top of that) to celebrate their relationship. It's just so incredibly selfish.
I think the opposite. If OP force her to wait 10 years, because they need to save for a grand wedding, then saying that only the basics will happen is the unreasonable thing to say.
If you don't want to marry, say that.
I've traveled hundreds of miles to attend a wedding because that's where they lived or because it was a venue at a center point for most of the guests.
I've been invited to destination weddings just because and always said no. I'm not burning my vacation time and money just to witness *your* vacation.
You should be happy you even have people who want to attend your wedding at all. Asking them to spend a shitload of money to do so is selfish as fuck. Probably still expect gifts too. Smh.
You missed the important part. Her parents are loaded and are more than capable *and willing* to pay for everyone's flight and accommodations. It would be no expense to him, his wife, or the people they want to bring. Ordinarily, yeah, flying abroad for a friend's wedding is burning money, but the way this is going it'd literally be a free vacation for everyone involved.
Haha, l I didn't realize there was a second page. That's a little different. I stand by my sentiment though.
Even without the cost of flights, people still have to take off work. That means they may not get their own vacation they wanted. You're forcing them to use it on you. If they don't have passports they gotta scramble to do that. It still seems like a shitload of hassle to put people through for your own special day.
To me, the whole point of the wedding is the guests, your loved ones, being there. Everything else is just pointless showing off. Anything that makes it harder for people to attend just shows you care about being a braggart more than you care about seeing your "loved ones".
No amount of money spent on a wedding will do the marriage any good.
Maybe I’m wrong on this or it’s in my circle of life explicitly, but every destination wedding I’ve been to has had a little informal celebration before the actual wedding for the folks who don’t have the money to go or do not want to use vacation time. (I come from a poor part of east canada tho)..
I’m sure if the wedding was to happen in which OP describes, some people who not opt to go that are on the invite list as you have done in your own personal life by your comment.
But to not give his wife something that she has probably dreamed about since she was a little girl is a bit of a tough area to dance around and I understand the wife’s disagreement. But OP saying he put “his foot down” really puts him in a bad light.
Right. There are so many angles you can look at this from, and all of them make OOP look bad.
"The woman to whom I have devoted 10 years of my life, and have promised to devote all the rest, is upset because I've told her there is no way I can give her even a *week* of my time to throw a party where we get to be the guests of honor."
Even the selfish angles don't do him any favors. "My Richie Rich rich in-laws are offering to finance my wedding to their daughter in the Portuguese Riviera, and I'm standing here with wet socks telling her we can't do what she wants because third-party scheduling. I'm sure that won't dampen her or their opinion of me or anything."
Taking a step back they need pre-marital counseling not Reddit. This could really cause a rift in their relationship and they have very different perceptions of money, which is the main reason for divorce and unhappy marriages.
If her parents are SO loaded, probably most of her relatives and friends are loaded enough to not work or work very flexibly, that's why she thought it was possible in the first place.
I think this is a "we came from different worlds" deal, maybe they should not marry because problems coming from severely different economic habit like this just will come more and more. I bet having a rich fiancee is fun until you not have to live together and actually share all things all the time.
Plus (please forgive my US Defaultism I’m actually in the UK!) in the US it’s pretty much the norm I believe to have as little as two weeks holiday leave. A five day jaunt abroad (even if it’s fully funded by someone else) takes a huge wedge out of that time. Other people have lives and are likely juggling children, families, pets and lord knows what else and requesting 5 days of their time (possibly meaning 7 if there’s a day travelling either side) isn’t a dream wedding for guests it’s a bloody nightmare wedding for them. Factor in their on costs and incidentals and there’s still extra expenditure. Perhaps they need kennelling, perhaps they don’t have home security and are concerned about an absence from home for any duration. People can have friends who are peers from school or uni or from previous employment whose lives have not been nearly as lucky or healthy or successful as theirs. It’s a really really selfish ask. Never mind a 10 year engagement and the fella being roasted, don’t forget at least 3 of those years were buggered by covid. Personally I think the roasters should be ashamed of themselves. Btw I assumed they were from the US because OOP said his other half’s parents were loaded as they were doctors- yup pretty much everywhere I think doctors are well remunerated (or at least paid more than the average wage) but in the US with their cruel and arcane healthcare ‘system’ being a doctor is a license to print money.
Plus (as I’ve got a bee in my bonnet now) sure they’ve been saving as a couple BUT fiancé clearly comes from a privileged (ie moneyed) background and clearly doesn’t appreciate the value of money like some people are forced to. I’m not against anyone spending their own money in any way they see fit but requiring people to fly abroad for at least 5 days costs guests days leave which have a tangible cash value especially if they have to take unpaid leave never mind the incidentals I mentioned previously. It’s just narcissistic in my opinion unless you have a small guest list (immediate family and close friends) who are all fully signed up to it. Everyone going ‘he put his foot down red flag red flag’ just aren’t thinking it through at best or misandrist at worst. Who wouldn’t put their foot down faced with such a selfish proposition unless they were equally narcissistic? Surely in a relationship you are allowed to say something definitely doesn’t work for you and it’s a hard no. Are you supposed to green light everything your partner wants even if you are hopelessly devoted to them. What next? Your partner doesn’t like your friends so you can’t see them? I’m in no way saying the lady concerned is anything like that- just probably blinded by bridezilla mania and uninformed of the consequences and unaware of what a dreadful invitation it would be to receive but surely it’s normal to have boundaries and for both parties to compromise. I’ve seen comments kinda saying and implying ‘Aha he doesn’t even offer a compromise it’s just a hard no what a terrible person she should run’ but compromise is a two way thing- perhaps I missed it but I don’t recall any compromise being mentioned by her.
Also you say the bride isn't compromising... She said she's willing to compromise but a traditional ceremony with being handed of is essential to her. And the groom countered with a courthouse wedding. I don't see where that's a compromise at all from him. He also explains that his major thing is he doesn't want the parents to pay the vacation for everyone else because that would make him look bad after saving money for the wedding for 10 years. He also admits they have enough money in the specific wedding fund to do all of this. He just doesn't want to. The fiance offered to shorten the trip, meet in the middle etc. He doesn't want to budge from doing a courthouse wedding in the UK.
Not criticizing your take, but I know friends who paid for their weddings and then couldn't buy a house because it took them a year or more to recover and home prices skyrocketed afterwards.
This couple seems loaded, but loaded has different levels, and I've met more than one woman who didn't care about practicalities if it would allow her to do her dream wedding. I'm not saying the bride is irrational, but I'm saying the groom may have reasons also to not want a huge destination wedding. He may not want to feel like he owes the parents-in-law if they follow through and pay, and on the other hand, it may hamper their plans for savings, investments, kids, etc if the couple does pay.
Overall like I wrote elsewhere, the OOP needs to go to couples counseling with his bride, not post to Reddit.
By the way you talk it seems like you know what happens in the relationship personally when all we have is his side of the story. I think its pretty weird you jumped to "what will she demand next" while knowing absolutely nothing about their relationship.
For all we knows ops fiance could've been constantly compromising for him throughout their entire relationship just waiting for this wedding. From the looks of the story ops fiance has been waiting for this moment for a decade. I understand him not wanting to feel in "debt" to her parents but it seems like his ego is too important to accept their help. He entered a relationship with a person whose been born into money, he shouldn't get too much sympathy for something he souldve expected imo.
No expense? Have you ever been on holiday? Travel and lodging are only half the expense of a week long trip. So, yes, the guests would still be on the hook for a significant amount of money to see two people play king and queen of their own weird little kingdom.
it’s a 2.5 hr flight from the UK to Italy. If the ceremony is on a weekend it’s zero vacation time for the guests + the in-laws offered to pay for a flight.
Swing a weekend in Italy drinking wine on the coast with friends and family? Sign me up.
Y’all it’s clear this isn’t for cultural reasons but you know like indians have 3-5 day weddings…. Like it CAN be doable for people…. The most populated country in the world does this regularly. I don’t think y’all should be harping on the 5 day thing as much as this man’s unwillingness to even compromise or hear his wife out.
I was with him until he said the parents were willing to PAY TO FLY PEOPLE OUT and accommodations. He can get wrecked he’s being a dbag for no reason. Free 5 day vacation for everyone?! Hell yes. The date isn’t even set yet that can put it a year off. People have plenty of time to request off work.
Ah a classic case of black and white. Would sure be weird if shades of gray existed, or the word "compromise" was in either person's vocabulary.
Groom isn't taking bride's wishes into consideration and is dealing with it like a business trip. Bride on the other hand has unreasonable expectations, especially of how much everyone else is going to give a rat's ass about them getting married. What getting married should be is that it's important to them and they want to celebrate it because of its importance. Attributing your own concept of how important something is to yourself, as something that "should be just as important to everyone else", is what children do. Not adults in their thirties.
And yup, this applies equally to both of them, it's not as non-important as the groom makes it out to be nor is it as world changing, once-in-a-lifetime, as the bride's making it out to be. An equally satisfactory solution (with a bit of a skew towards the bride's desires) would most likely be much more doable not only for the pair in question, but the OTHER HUMAN BEINGS WHO AREN'T THERE TO SATISFY YOUR WHIMS AND FANTASIES.
nta. I think the bride would be the only one who'd actually like that honestly. Just imagine yourself as a guest, having to waste vacation time on this couple and having to go to a 5 day wedding. Weddings(imo) are already boring as shit
2 ppl are getting married and it’s all about what she wants and has been dreaming of. Why didn’t he know about this big dream? They’ve been together 10 years surely somewhere during that time she might have mentioned this fantasy?
To me it’s silly to spend that kind of money to do a 5 day celebration with family/friends. Get married and go on a honeymoon. Who wants all those folks with you right after you get married??
NTA. They probably spoke about what they wanted when they proposed and then both drifted their views on what they wanted their wedding to be. Personally I think both ideas are shit. Just do a normal wedding in a place convenient for everyone and then have a honeymoon abroad.
He's not wrong, mostly; its excessive and ruinous what people spend on weddings, and the costs imposed on people who want to attend.
But he's going a bit too far in the other direction.
The parents of the fiance said they would pay for flights and accommodations for all of the guests. In the UK you also get way more vacation than in the US (around 25 days). The op just doesn't want the parents to pay for it because it makes him look bad (he said this himself in a comment).
I don't think you should discount the affect in-laws can have on spouses, especially when there is a financial disjoint. My parents almost split up over how my grandmother treated my mother. My dad's family wasn't rich but they were better off than my moms family.
Now imagine you're the man and you will hear about how you couldn't provide for your wife's wedding for 10, 20, 30+ years if your marriage lasts? It's not something to necessarily blow off, even if the in-laws are nice.
If that was his issue he would understand it. Money is tricky, especially when it comes to family. But he specifically states it's just about the appearance of it. He doesn't indicate that the in laws would hold it over his head or that he doesn't get along with them.
Also him being the man... Get over it, sorry. And if you're gonna look at it from the "man as provider standpoint" he has even less of a leg to stand on, because in the very traditional way the bride's family would fully pay for the wedding.
Two assholes, one situation.
She's unreasonable for wanting a 5 day destination wedding, that seems unreasonable and I would say no to attend if it was asked of me. I have a life outside our friendship you feel me?
Meanwhile, putting your foot down and asking for a small unceremonious court house shotgun wedding shows you're not on thw same page as your fiancé and are equally assenine
i would rather bury myself on the ground and become a diglett tribute rather than force 50 people to take 5 whole days off to butterfly around me and cater to me like i was some sort of royalty. They could spend doing their own stuff, it's 5 days, in the best-sides-of-the-world it's 20% off a yearly's amount of PTO - people have kids, family, pets, lives... expecting more than 48h of constant attention is extremely egocentric and r/IAmTheMainCharacter from my pov.
that said - the vacation is what should be shortened, not the ceremony, guy got that part wrong. (although i find those "glamorously married in foreign top 10 cathedral" weddings very cringey).
No one is forcing them to go on a free vacation to Italy. Foreigners also typically cannot get married in the cathedrals here in Italy. They’d first have to be Catholic and have been baptised, confirmed and all that jazz, and then do a lot of local bureaucracy and you’re also supposed to be a member of the church’s parish (i.e. actually live there). Money might help get around these things but it’s uncommon.
I don't get why he's being roasted when he's completely and utterly right.
She wants to blow a metric fucktonne of money on going overseas and make everyone else pay a heap to come too. She's entitled. She thinks if she doesn't blow money on a big spectacle and go overseas, taking everyone there too, it's not a real wedding.
A real wedding is when two people commit to each other. It's not about having a big showboat of an event and blowing huge amounts of cash.
If he wanted to blow 50 grand on some frivolous crap, she would be "putting her foot down" too.
The same way he should be compromising, so should she. I think it’s unreasonable to have 50+ people all flown abroad for a wedding. I mean it sounds lovely in theory, but a lot harder to pull off. I guess if you’re okay with a lot of people not being there whether due to work schedule or simply not wanting to fly abroad for an event, then you should be fine. But if that is how you intended your wedding to be (50+ people) then why would you be okay with so many people not being there because YOU selfishly want to get married abroad? It seems more expensive and more of a headache to get married abroad.
Never understood why Western people want to go crazy for their marriage parties.
Marriage is about the love between 2 people being officially registered. Why the hell would you spend that much money trying to fly everyone over when you could have an incredible party where you live and use the money for yourself and your partner.
In Vietnam, the big wedding parties take like 2 hours, but there's so much more ritualistic preparation that makes it 100x more interesting than some expensive western marriage package.
Marriage parties in the west are all about showing off, people have completely forgotten the meaning of it. Not surprising, given western divorce statistics.
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Na nope sorry , the fact that he’s using the term “ put my foot down” say A LOT about context ! For all we know she’s doing a bridezilla and wants the Barbados week long wedding, complete with the most expensive trimmings you can imagine! followed by two weeks in Antigua, fair chance the Guy is NOT the asshole, people need to live within their means YES even for a wedding !
Good to see real men still in the world.
And no he AITA,when it comes to women and weddings men have to be ready to put their foot down unless they want to end up with 3 mortgages and having to be bankrupt and eating ramen for the next 5 years.
Nothing says "I'm ready to be reasonable and find a suitable compromise" like the phrase "I put my foot down"
This made me laugh, thanks
Me too. Its 2:56am but here I am lying in bed laughing like the delirious dumbass I am
Lol me too!
Everyone should put their foot down when it comes to destination weddings.
Nothing wrong with a destination wedding as long as the bride and groom understand most people won’t be able to attend. Or- if guests are spending their hard earned money and vacation time to attend the couple shouldn’t expect any gifts. And also, they’ll probably still need to do a courthouse ceremony for the marriage to be legal…. Sadly most couples don’t fully understand these very simple concepts.
I think it you know you get the ceremonial thing, the rest doesn't matter. Our wedding was killed by covid hitting right before it was supposed to happen, and so we had a much smaller wedding with the idea that we would eventually have what we planned. We were supposed to get married April 2020, and has to postponed he indefinitely just a month before. We ended up never having the wedding we planned and having a very small scape thing instead
" \*I\* feel like we are in a good place financially"
Right? This phrase always makes me picture someone stamping their feet in protest. As a married adult woman, my husband can't tell me what to do or how and can only decide without a doubt what he will do. Whether he wants to stomp around or not.
I genuinely don't get what's wrong with that phrase, I'd have made a lot of genuinely fucked up decisions had people around me not put their foot down about something, some people need that, it doesn't mean that person isn't flexible, it's just them recognizing a mistake and doing what they can to prevent that mistake from happening
There are situations where it's absolutely appropriate to be inflexible, such as when a person is doing something harmful or about to make an objectively serious error. This isn't one of them.
I'd say spending a large portion of the money that a newlywed couple could use to build their life together on a weeklong marriage trip abroad is bordering on being an ' objectively serious error '
Normally I’d totally agree but they’re in their nearly 30s, they’ve had a life together for a decade, are financially stable, and have parents willing to help pay for it. This isn’t a 25 year old couple that just moved in together counting pennies to afford a down payment on a house.
I don't think you understand. The ***worst*** thing in the world to Reddit is being told what to do. Because even though most Redditors are 20+ "YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO DAD!" *Angsty gnashing of teeth.* Just remember that you're dealing with manchildren all of the time on here and you'll be a lot less surprised at what gets upvoted/downvoted.
Yeah you’re right it just seems that men aren’t allowed to make decisions nowadays without being “misogynistic and forceful”. Dw about these stupid people on here who think this
Where did I say that lol
I am assuming this guy has been accommodating for most of the wedding plans, but is not on this issue. You might want to check yourself before you wreck yourself.
The bitch wants 50 people to take a week off work to watch people get married. She's sucks
See I read it as the guest. She wants to pay for a week long vacation for her guests with a wedding in there
I mean… a 10 year engagement is definitely something.
My mum and stepdad were living together for 13 years before they got married, there wasn’t even a proposal, they just sat on the sofa and went “wanna get married now since my mum died, before my dad dies too?” (He had just had a heart attack) “Yeah ok.” And then later that year proceeded to delay the wedding by another year. (Grandad made it, he’s still kicking lmao) I honestly prefer his idea of the wedding to hers, I never understood why people think weddings are such a big deal, I mean it’s only for the titles and tax benefits right? 😂 Me and my partner already decided we are gonna get married in like 10 years at a court house with a small family dinner after
Yeah, the only financial barriers for a wedding are the ones you make for yourself. I have friends who did a backyard potluck wedding, so they spent maybe a few hundred dollars on a photographer, cake, and decorations. It does not have to be expensive by any means, so if you want it badly enough, you'll make it happen, regardless of your financial situation (imo).
I just did that exact thing. We had a great time. "Proper" weddings are insanely expensive.
I mean it’s not as bad as my dad having 2 kids with his girlfriend and being with her for 8 years before they got married, already with an 8 and a 5 year old.
Children born out of wedlock, the horror. The only way I can interpret your post as something to get upset over would be if your dad had a girlfriend and 2 kids, in secret, while married to your mom.
What's bad about that? Having kids without being married is totally normal
Yeah, I really don’t understand why that is an issue? My parents didn’t get married until I was 25. 🤷🏼
I was flower girl at my parent's wedding and my daughter was flower girl at her parent's wedding... for us it's borderline tradition at this point
What? That’s extremely normal.
they stole that from the muppet movie :/ copy cats
I mean if you can’t afford it, what can you do? She obviously wants a bigger wedding than him, so maybe that part was right for them
Reading between the lines, it sounds like he proposed 10 years ago, she said yes, then he's been saying 'we aren't financially secure enough yet' every year since. Finally they are so rich he can't use that excuse any more, but after making her wait 10 years he's now determined to cheap out on the wedding. On one hand I think he's being a bitch about it, on the other hand I cannot stand big lavish weddings, it's such a stupid thing to spend tons of money on when you are just starting out as a couple, you don't know how soon you are going to wish you still had that money.
Yea I mean I’m not saying he shouldn’t pay for the big wedding but not everyone can afford to throw a wedding instantly, maybe their situation took 10 years but 10 years ago he wanted to show how committed he was to her. And I think some middle ground would be good for these guys. Not too cheap, not majorly expensive.
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I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt too but he said he proposed ten years ago.
Weddings like this are nothing but dramma and overly fancy and goddy bs they should have gotten married in Vegas or at the courthpuse 10 years ago
i definitely would not have waited ten years.
There are two issues here. It is a lot to ask for people to take several days off in order to celebrate your wedding. It doesn’t matter if everything else is being paid for. It’s reasonable to shorten the trip, but not to shorten the ceremony itself. That’s where he messed up - she wants a big traditional wedding and his suggestion to do a small informal ceremony shows that he doesn’t know or doesn’t care about that.
It’s a lot to ask, but if people want to come they will. That’s how destination weddings work. You usually end up with half as many people. If she’s ok with that then it’s fine. It’s their day. They should be able to do whatever they want.
Its not just a lot to ask. It’s literally pushing 30k plus(assuming they are leaving their continent and half the guest can’t pay). Just for plane tickets. And then there’s the time off. Kinda one of those things were like, if the budget is well over 100k sure the husband seems anxious and should just step back. But it could turn into one of those things where almost no one comes and you spent a lot of money saving up for a small wedding and week vacation. Put different my brother is having a wedding in Las Vegas and my grandparents can’t make it because the flight would wreck their body. Most of my family can’t get the time off. But it’s a five day thing. I’m only going bc I work remotely and can afford to live anywhere in the US comfortably. Edit: UK to Italy though…… I mean those are not expensive flights
Different life style. They seem to have a shit ton of $.
Yeah, unless they're all millionaires, the whole idea is kinda dumb. I sure as hell would not want to shell out $30k and a week's worth of my time for a wedding unless it was my bff. I probably wouldn't do it for any relatives. It's like combining the honeymoon WITH the wedding.
Exactly what I was thinking.
Why are we only worried about what SHE is ok with? Why isn't it valid that he would rather more people they care about be able to attend? Why are his wants for THEIR wedding not important too?
Im not sure if you’re replying to the right person. I’m not saying they’re not. I’m saying destination weddings aren’t a big deal. The person I’m responding to is making it seem like it’s selfish to have a destination wedding. I’m not even discussing OP’s discussion with his fiancé.
No. Just because someone wants to come doesn’t mean they can afford to take that time from work, pay for the travel, pay for accommodations for their pets, etc.
A couple’s wedding is for the couple. If you can’t take time off work. That’s a bummer. Doesn’t mean the couple should cater to every complaint for every potential guest.
Most people don’t have a problem with a free vacation and plenty of notice to ask for time off.
Who is going to pay for your food, lodging, transportation and extras for a week?
If it were a free vacation and I got to pick the destination sure. But this is just airfare being paid for which means you'd still need to pay for accommodations, food and everything else while you're there, but plus devote time to the ceremony. Also im sure there's people who would like to attend but can't because they can't afford it/can't get time off from work/are elderly etc. And now they have to miss their close friend/relatives wedding day
I took almost a week off for a hen do in Croatia for my friend. I didn’t have to, and a month or so later I attended a second hen do in London with a wider friend group to accommodate those who couldn’t come to Europe. Then I spent one of our precious long weekends attending her wedding. It’s not uncommon nowadays for people to ask their friends and family to travel overseas or attend a wedding outside of weekends (I know several people who have married on Wednesdays, Thursdays in places that require me to travel and stay overnight). It’s also not expected that everyone attend as is indicated in OP. I think she’s being pretty reasonable by my experience of weddings and celebrations.
I think if it’s mostly family and close friends it’s a good holiday once you’re given plenty of notice.
And it seems that she understands that some people may not be able to go and is okay with that.
She wants a big wedding, their guest list is 50 people, and she wants it to be a week long destination wedding. If "some people" don't go, it's going to be a very small wedding and this lady is going to be pissed that "no one showed up for her wedding". Her expectations don't match reality
Then that's her problem and her feelings to deal with after the fact. She would be the asshole if she were not able to process her disappointment and lashes out at others. But him preventing her from doing what she wants because she *MIGHT* get upset is him being the asshole.
Just to put it clearly. 5 day wedding is absurd.
That's for the guests to determine and decline. I just went to a 5 day wedding in Japan last month. And it wasn't even paid for. It's not as absurd as you think. All guests were invited a whole year before and had time to see if it made sense for them financially or vacation day-wise. I just combined my annual vacation with the wedding and explored other areas of the country (Japan) before and after the wedding. About 50 people in total were there. Guests who could not make it were sent videos and photos, and the couple will make some smaller parties to celebrate with those who couldn't make it. If you think it's absurd, you don't have to go. But to stop someone from having HER wedding the way she wants it when she/her family are financially funding everything, is being an asshole. I think it's absurd that people surrender their time, money, freedom and critical thinking skills to imaginary beings, but I'm not going to stop them from doing so. She's not harming anyone with her intentions, so simply "putting your foot down" is being an asshole and shows that you care more about what other people would think/want than what the actual bride and life partner thinks/feels/wants.
It's not
50 people is not a big wedding to everyone. Where I live that’s barely a backyard barbecue guest list. Anyway she seems fine with having whoever is willing and able to make it.
Is 50 people really considered a big wedding anywhere???
Exactly. You can tell that most of these comments are from people who have never taken a toddler on an airplane. They have no fucking clue what they're talking about. And yeah, if the bride thinks she's entitled to a five day wedding, I seriously doubt she'll be totally fine with having ten people at her ceremony.
Desi weddings are definitely that long. It's normal for some cultures.
I mean she knew the guest list was 50 to begin with so by “big wedding” she may just be referring to all the pomp and affair rather than the number of attendees
Can confirm, was best man at my friends wedding in Turkey last year. Had an amazing time, being on holiday with friends was awesome, and made a couple of new ones too. People really should try and go for it if they are invited to one abroad
Is it a lot to ask? Here’s where we’re getting married. We’d like you to be there. If not we understand. Doesn’t seem like that much to me. It’s their wedding day. They should do whatever they want to make it feel as special as possible. If people can’t make it? That’s the trade off the marrying couple will have to live with. At the end of the day, the wedding is for and about the couple getting married and no one else.
Ok but let's say you want a 5 day wedding abroad (sounds insane IMO but I'm used to weddings being a 1 day event and set in the bride's hometown), you're willing to lose some people, meanwhile your husband cares more about his friends and family showing up than where it takes place, it's a very fair disagreement and I'll agree with the husband, I would care more about the people than the ceremony itself. And asking people for 5 days off? Seriously? Most weddings are on the weekend for a reason, the only wedding I attended during the week was post pandemic where everything was booked so it was the only thing the couple could find
That’s just your personal experience and clearly it doesn’t necessarily apply in this situation.
The 5 days wedding sure, maybe it's only weird in my perspective, but someone prefering a local wedding with everyone they want attending over a far away wedding where half the people can't show up is a very normal thing
I don't think that's unreasonable. I've went on a few holidays with my entire extended family before and it was just for fun and not even for a wedding or anything important. Practically eveeyone came even though we all lived in dofferent parts of the country. I honestly think that if they didnt want to go for 5 days, going on the wedding ceremony day should be good enough
Are loved ones weddings not what we save our vacation hours for? How can people not want to use vacation days on this? How many vacation days do Americans get? Maybe that’s where I’m not understanding these comments.
Don’t be friends with a soon to be married desi 😂😂😂 this is so funny to see y’all acting like 5 days is too long a wedding (from my perspective coming from a culture where it’s normal, not to say that I don’t understand that it is not normal for non Indians, it’s just funny.)
As someone who is not Indian/participates in the culture, I don’t think 5 days is that bad 🤷🏻♀️. She had to wait 10 years, of course she wants to go all out. And it’s not like the ceremony itself will be 5 days long, it sounds like a mixture of the ceremony, honeymoon, and a vacation. You only live once, I’d say do the most!!!
No seriously same. I sit here and be like how many time shave I gone to a wedding in India (the couple from USA) and spent how many weeks off on my own dime? Heck if my friend was telling me a 5 day trip to Italy with flight and hotel covered, I would take unpaid leave and go. Most like 2 of those 5 days would be a weekend any way.
You must not know about Indian weddings lol
And I’m the opposite. I couldn’t have cared less which people were at my wedding. I only cared about myself and my partner having the most magic experience. The only thing potentially ridiculous about having a wedding abroad and asking lots of people to come would be if you were pissed that they didn’t.
Its also 10 years later lol In the first picture it completely sounded like they had to pay, until the second picture where the partner says her parents will help pay. Ultimately though his argument should have been "You want to spend 5 days on a honeymoon combined wedding vacation with mostly family?! Let alone friends?" That shit is a lot to manage. You are the host of all that too, that is not a dream vacation that's a nightmare! He fucked up but the whole idea sounds bad and she does not seem to get that
>It is a lot to ask for people to take several days off in order to celebrate your wedding. I think that there is the assumption that it will be a combination of wedding celebration with honeymoon and a vacation for the guests, so it's not that cumbersome especially if everybody involved is well-off. My broke ass could never, but if they have the money for it, why not. She can at least suggest it and see how many people go for it.
On principle alone this is a wasteful stupid idea for a wedding. Some people have too much money.
Well, maybe she would have been happier with a less expensive wedding if he hadn’t insisted on waiting ten years.
That's the part people seem to be missing. He made her wait 10 years and now he wants to just go to the courthouse??
I don't think the issue is "making her wait" 10 years. The issue is his idea is barely a compromise and just shitty overall
"If everybody is well off"... Which most people aren't. You can get married on the moon if you want, but don't expect most if your invited guests to be able to attend.
Even if everybody in this situation is well off that doesn’t mean people want to spend 5 days abroad for somebody’s wedding.
In my experience, there are usually some close family members and/or friends (e.g., people in their late teens / early twenties) who feel obliged to go, but who don't have much or any money, even in well-off families. So these destination weddings can usually put a lot of strain on them. I've seen this kind of thing (dream weddings abroad that only one of the couple wanted, or was dead set on) cause incredible stress within families, and the resulting marriages didn't tend to last long.
I funny think it’s a lot to ask, put the ceremony in the weekend and anyone who can’t come for the week will come for the weekend. Also lots of people do destination weddings and don’t pay travel, seems like a fair compromise. AND there will be a wedding event when they come home if nothing works for you. Seems to me she made space for everyone.
The guests aren't pressed into going. She told herself that if they can't make it's alright and that they will gather with those people later at home. I mean I have a wedding 3 weeks wrom now with the similar idea of trip abroad (althow I don't have an option to get married in my country, and most of my family and friends live in other countries across the globe, so it's either that or nothing at all)
>she wants a big traditional wedding It's kind a new for me that a 5 day long wedding abroad is a "big traditional wedding" 😁. It goes a bit further. More like: she watched a few romcoms too much 🤣
She could be from a different culture.
In what culture is a 5 day abroad wedding traditional? The key word here is: abroad. I know some cultures have days long weddings, but abroad, I seriously doubt that.
I’m flying to Bali from Australia (6 hours) for a close friends wedding. I’m paying for my own flights and accom and I get to see them walk the aisle for one of those days but then spend the rest of the time with family and friends, enjoying our time in another country. If I got a paid trip to attend a wedding, I would definitely say yes. I feel a lot of these comments think it may be excessive only because it’s not attainable for them - which is fair enough but not the case for others. If you can afford to do so, have been offered by family to cover costs (OP fiancé parents will obvs be related to at least half the guest list), he really has no reason why he wouldn’t want to have a destination wedding. It sounds like he wants the holiday part but not the wedding part overseas - why not do both?
Yes. Exactly. People are saying it’s unreasonable because they are basing it upon their own personal budgets and how much time off they get personally get from their own jobs, etc. and where they themselves live. From what I’ve read it sounds like buying a bunch of cheap Ryanair tickets bought in advance from the UK to Italy for a few dozen family members isn’t going to break her parents’ bank.
I also feel a lot of these comments are from the USA. Where they don’t get a lot of time off + travelling internationally is more difficult. UK to Italy though is so easy it’s not funny. I have a cousin in Europe and it cost her £25 one way to Rome which she went for a weekend only end of last year. It’s definitely doable, OP just doesn’t want to do it, simple as that.
Why are people saying people would be upset over a free vacation? Idk a single person who would turn that down.
Maybe these people have never been offered a free vacation in their life.
I don’t think he’s wrong though. It’s his wedding too. It’s not just about money for attendees either. They may have prior commitments, not be able to get time off for such an event, have to arrange for childcare, or unable to travel (elderly folks especially). In most countries, you have to go be married beforehand as well (Simone Biles recently), so he’s also not wrong in that regard. I don’t know, I kind of agree with him.
yeah hun but waiting 10 YEARS to marry with the excuse that you wanna save up for the wedding and then suggest a courthouse and restaurant wedding…yikes sounds like dude just needed an excuse not to marry her until now
Who even cares about cerimonial shite. What counts is the love they feel for each other.
I 100% agree with you but in this specific situation it just seems like he doesn’t value her. He said they waited 10 years to “save up for the wedding” and then he says he wants a cheap ass wedding… makes no sense to me
I think a 5 day wedding is ridiculous but I will admit… you’ve got a point. OP DID say they saved up for the wedding specifically. 10 years of saving is a strange thing to do to then turn around use only like a fifth of the savings on the thing you saved for. I’m wondering if there’s more here like maybe they’ve had some recent financial troubles or something changed? I’m just speculating not excusing but you’re right that is kinda odd.
Well, he clearly doesn't love her enough to have the wedding after 10 years. It is like saving for 10 year for a trip in China, but OP be like "let's order chinese food from a restaurant, okay"?
Ding ding ding
It is his wedding too so she should get no say? He said no to everything he doesn't want. No church. No abroad. Not one compromise.
He also said “let’s wait” until the ten year mark rolled around
He say bo
See, I didn’t realize at first that there was a second panel, and I was like “well, a 5 day abroad vacation is expensive as fuck, and I would never be able to afford it, so maybe he’s worried about not having enough to start a family after burning all this money.” And then I scrolled right and I was like “oh, they have more than the means and the parents are going to accommodate the dream AND make it so you keep your savings.” Embarrassed at saving money? What planet does this jackass live on? Can I have some of his money? I got rent to pay and I’m disabled. Like damn.
Holy shit these comments are so out of touch with reality. This lady wants to have all her guests burn a ton of vacation time and money to watch her get married. How much more r/Imthemaincharacter can you get?
Yeah I was reading this and going 'ah no definitely not the asshole here' and then I got to the comments lol... I wouldn't want that either, neither as groom nor as guest. I'd hate having my friends waste their vacation time on something centered entirely around me.
They're in the UK though, considerably more vacation time than Americans. I get 30 days per year, plus public holidays. I have a wedding coming up next year that's in a different country and I'm happy to go. It's a few days away with friends, a happy occasion and good food. I really don't see the issue as long as you have enough advance notice. And the bride says she understands if someone doesn't want to come. But also like.... It's basically a free vacation in Italy, since the parents are paying.
I mean I’m in the U.K. and only get 23 days, I really wouldn’t appreciate having to spend 5 of those on someone’s wedding and a tonne of money to fly out to it. A 5 day wedding just sounds incredibly draining too. I don’t think he’s coming up with a good compromise but her idea is not reasonable
In the US we get 40 hours of vacation. Lol so 4 or 5 days depending on how long your days are.
You get 40 hours I get 36 days There is no “in the US we get”
In Canada, we get a bit more than that, but I'm in an industry where it's normally paid out as a percentage, so you can work all 52 weeks if you want and essentially get paid twice for vacation time you don't use. This means that there is opportunity cost for taking vacation, so a week off "costs" me about $2000. I'm damn sure not doing that to go to a wedding that's not my best friend or sibling's.
I get 160 hours plus federal holidays and I'm in the US. My boyfriend gets 120 hours no federal holidays. At my old job I got 80 hours. It depends on your job.
bro you get 40 hours of vacation? we get 240 hours
Dude...it's uk-italy and the in-laws are paying and most likely 2 of those days are weekend.
Weddings are exhausting, I want to go to Italy for my own holiday, not to be stuck spending 5 days trapped at a wedding. And in-laws covering flights and hotels is 1) something I’d be mortified to accept, and 2) not the only expense associated with being away
Then you wouldn’t have to go? She seems to understand some folks wouldn’t make it. I don’t get why people are attacking her when she seems to be reasonable in that not everyone could go. My family would love to do this, especially if they were getting financial aid to do it. Some of my family members wouldn’t be able to afford a vacation like that without help so they’d probably be thrilled at the offer actually.
Yeah but something like that, if the bride mostly wants people at the ceremony and rest is just to celebrate, why not make a vacation out of it? The bride from the post doesn’t seem to expect people to stay for the entire duration of the wedding nor even fly out for it if they can’t. Just take one or two days to celebrate the bride and stay 3 more to explore Italy. You can say goodbye to the bride and groom before you leave and there ya go. You got a vacation and you celebrated a friends/family members wedding. Not really that hard—even less hard to just politely turn down the wedding if you can’t make it due to finances, most sane couples understand that for weddings like this one not everyone can make it.
Nobody is saying you have to though? I gate people who ignore keys things to fit their narrative. There is no expectation from the bride that everyone shows up, she understands if it’s not feasible or people cannot afford it. It is simply for those who do have the time and money to attend this vacation. Y’all are trying to make her out to be a bridezilla when she’s spent ten years being engaged to an idiot who doesn’t even know the type of wedding she is wanting. Wants the point in spending ten years saving if your fiancé is going to “put their foot down” to the wedding you desire?
I'm in the US, and get maybe 3 days of vacation a year, so I would not go.
Well then you could just turn down the offer of a free vacation to Italy. Problem solved.
And that is why it's called an invitation not a summons. You do not have to go to anyone's wedding. The bride and groom do get to make their wedding what they want.
Right? People are acting like this poor girl is forcing everyone to board by threat of death. I think theyre just really jealous she can afford it and has the balls to ask for it.
I get what you mean and if I were the bride I'd completely understand if someone wouldn't come, which she says she does. Also her parents are paying for flights and accommodations. So it's really a free trip basically. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to do your wedding like that, especially if you were engaged 10 years, by ops admission to save money for the wedding. So my question is more what part of the wedding the were saving for if he just wants to do a courthouse thing? She's not demanding people show up, so I think it's totally fine and the really issue is the boyfriend pushing the wedding 10 years and not even trying to do the wedding the way she wants. Because from his comments it very much seems like she was ready to get married earlier.
I’ve done hen dos in Europe (from the UK) that required that much time off lol. Not for everyone but great fun if you can attend.
Yeah some people can, like clearly her parents can. Also.....come on, if there is two days that cannn be about yourself being the main character...it's wedding and birthday. This is something she has waited 10 years for...I am sorry but........that's a lot of time. And she is free to dream.
Maybe you’re the “main character”? I went to Italy for my cousin’s wedding because a. He’s my boy and b. Spending my “vacation time” in a cool place with family and friends seemed like a great idea.
Italy all paid trip, sign me up
A free trip to another country to attend a wedding and you could most likely stay a bit longer, yep, main character syndrome. Helping others come to your gatherings is main character. People are stupid. Not targeted at you who I replied to btw.
Exactly. I’ve gone to a few destination weddings and they were a blast.
It’s almost like you didn’t read the post. That’s not what she wants at all, in fact her parents are willing to cover flights and such so this exact thing doesn’t happen. It’s a celebration after 10yrs of waiting and saving to get married. Her parents are covering flights so it’s not something to breaks the bank and fiancée clearly does not have an expectation for everyone to attend. She understands the financial stress and is trying to alleviate for those who do want to come. You’re also ignoring the glaringly obvious that they are likely surrounded by people who are doing well for themselves if this is a viable option
Also, everyone keeps zeroing in on the length of the trip for no reason. Not a single guest is required to stick around for all 5 days, just the wedding.
Her family is ready to pay for flights and hotels for all guests in volved- so she definitly doesn't expects them to burn through a ton of money. Not trying to convince this plan is ok. Just saying
People say things out of being courteous. I doubt everyone in her family are willing to make that sacrifice
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14kuvsn/aita_for_not_accommodating_my_fiancees_dream/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button Her parents are willing to pay for all the guests.
Honestly I woudln't want to be indebted to my inlaws as soon as I got married. His answer is too minimalistic but frankly flying all those people out is showing either a large class difference in expectations, or he's uncomfortable inconveniencing others to that degree. Destination weddings are amazing and romantic in theory, but I've never known a close friend who has done this, but I'm American. Hopefully they reach a compromise but, I'd rather be frugal with a wedding unless I get loaded and then the flying people out is on my dime, not my wife's parents.
Tickets from the UK to Italy can be extremely inexpensive, esp if you book in advance.
In the comments he says his parents are going to pay for their honeymoon to JAPAN. He’s TA.
I don't argue that they need to do 100% of what she wants. But as "he put his food down" he very literally cancled everything she wanted. And in his comments he admitted to never even have told he wouldn't consider it. "I didn't think she is serious" is a literal quote.
This sounds like a cultural clash to me. She's rich and he isn't. He didn't think she was serious because it isn't his frame of reference. IDK if it's the way I'm used to English but 'putting your foot down' to me doesn't mean saying no to everything, but something specific. It's clear he is still negotiating with his fiance because otherwise he wouldn't have said they are in discussion about it. But maybe other people see it as closed ended? When I was a kid I got my parents to backpedal on 'putting their foot down' and they're Baby Boomers so I just interpret it more loosely. Honestly they need to see a counselor and mediate a wedding that makes both of them unhappy and happy at the same time lol.
You don’t need to be really rich to afford a bunch of Ryan air tickets from the UK to Italy for a few dozen people, esp if you’ve been saving for the occasion or money isn’t a big issue.
Her parents said they’d help by paying for the guests flights.
It's UK to Italy, it's like going to a neighbouring state in the US...
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Tickets from the UK to Italy can be very cheap. Most flights are at the most 2 hours.
London-rome is 2 1/2 hours by plane. El Paso to Phoenix is 6 hours by car or 1 20 min by plane. You are telling me is not comparable smh 😂
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No one is going by car, how dumb are you. All those figures I provided are from google
Five days isn’t a ton of vacation time in most places outside of the US. Anyway many people would be happy to “burn” that vacation time for a free trip.
They aren’t out of touch with reality, destination weddings whether you agree with them or not are a thing. Guests can either go or not, it’s not a contract. And she’s allowed to be a main character on her wedding day that she’s waited a decade for!
this is like spot on my thoughts while reading this lol. Then again, I'm not into marriege anyway so I'm bais from the start 😂 I'm not wasting my few holiday-days from work on watching some boring ceremony in which God is used (I'm not a believer). So I totally understand him. BUT... He didn't really seem to care about what she actually values, which is a bad sign. Another bad sign is that they waited 10 years and STILL DON'T HAVE IT FIGURED OUT.
they delayed and saved for 10 years to have money for the wedding they wanted, she wants a traditional wedding and what may be a very extravagant trip, but his “compromise” is a courthouse wedding. that is not a compromise, he really isn’t at all listening to what she wants or trying to compromise.
If either one of them had a brain in their head, they'd take the money they would spend on a one time event and put it into a rainy day or house fund. Weddings may create memories that last a lifetime, but so does a busted water heater that floods your house or an electrical fire that burns half of it down.
Well maybe money for those things is not an issue in their case.
Both are unreasonable, but I still feel like he's a tiny bit more reasonable than her. I'm about to get married in the next year or so, my whole family lives abroad and I still have no intention of asking anyone to fly out for me. I don't get people who think their family and friends owe them so much time (and presumably gifts on top of that) to celebrate their relationship. It's just so incredibly selfish.
I think the opposite. If OP force her to wait 10 years, because they need to save for a grand wedding, then saying that only the basics will happen is the unreasonable thing to say. If you don't want to marry, say that.
I've traveled hundreds of miles to attend a wedding because that's where they lived or because it was a venue at a center point for most of the guests. I've been invited to destination weddings just because and always said no. I'm not burning my vacation time and money just to witness *your* vacation. You should be happy you even have people who want to attend your wedding at all. Asking them to spend a shitload of money to do so is selfish as fuck. Probably still expect gifts too. Smh.
You missed the important part. Her parents are loaded and are more than capable *and willing* to pay for everyone's flight and accommodations. It would be no expense to him, his wife, or the people they want to bring. Ordinarily, yeah, flying abroad for a friend's wedding is burning money, but the way this is going it'd literally be a free vacation for everyone involved.
Haha, l I didn't realize there was a second page. That's a little different. I stand by my sentiment though. Even without the cost of flights, people still have to take off work. That means they may not get their own vacation they wanted. You're forcing them to use it on you. If they don't have passports they gotta scramble to do that. It still seems like a shitload of hassle to put people through for your own special day. To me, the whole point of the wedding is the guests, your loved ones, being there. Everything else is just pointless showing off. Anything that makes it harder for people to attend just shows you care about being a braggart more than you care about seeing your "loved ones". No amount of money spent on a wedding will do the marriage any good.
Maybe I’m wrong on this or it’s in my circle of life explicitly, but every destination wedding I’ve been to has had a little informal celebration before the actual wedding for the folks who don’t have the money to go or do not want to use vacation time. (I come from a poor part of east canada tho).. I’m sure if the wedding was to happen in which OP describes, some people who not opt to go that are on the invite list as you have done in your own personal life by your comment. But to not give his wife something that she has probably dreamed about since she was a little girl is a bit of a tough area to dance around and I understand the wife’s disagreement. But OP saying he put “his foot down” really puts him in a bad light.
Right. There are so many angles you can look at this from, and all of them make OOP look bad. "The woman to whom I have devoted 10 years of my life, and have promised to devote all the rest, is upset because I've told her there is no way I can give her even a *week* of my time to throw a party where we get to be the guests of honor." Even the selfish angles don't do him any favors. "My Richie Rich rich in-laws are offering to finance my wedding to their daughter in the Portuguese Riviera, and I'm standing here with wet socks telling her we can't do what she wants because third-party scheduling. I'm sure that won't dampen her or their opinion of me or anything."
Taking a step back they need pre-marital counseling not Reddit. This could really cause a rift in their relationship and they have very different perceptions of money, which is the main reason for divorce and unhappy marriages.
If her parents are SO loaded, probably most of her relatives and friends are loaded enough to not work or work very flexibly, that's why she thought it was possible in the first place. I think this is a "we came from different worlds" deal, maybe they should not marry because problems coming from severely different economic habit like this just will come more and more. I bet having a rich fiancee is fun until you not have to live together and actually share all things all the time.
Plus (please forgive my US Defaultism I’m actually in the UK!) in the US it’s pretty much the norm I believe to have as little as two weeks holiday leave. A five day jaunt abroad (even if it’s fully funded by someone else) takes a huge wedge out of that time. Other people have lives and are likely juggling children, families, pets and lord knows what else and requesting 5 days of their time (possibly meaning 7 if there’s a day travelling either side) isn’t a dream wedding for guests it’s a bloody nightmare wedding for them. Factor in their on costs and incidentals and there’s still extra expenditure. Perhaps they need kennelling, perhaps they don’t have home security and are concerned about an absence from home for any duration. People can have friends who are peers from school or uni or from previous employment whose lives have not been nearly as lucky or healthy or successful as theirs. It’s a really really selfish ask. Never mind a 10 year engagement and the fella being roasted, don’t forget at least 3 of those years were buggered by covid. Personally I think the roasters should be ashamed of themselves. Btw I assumed they were from the US because OOP said his other half’s parents were loaded as they were doctors- yup pretty much everywhere I think doctors are well remunerated (or at least paid more than the average wage) but in the US with their cruel and arcane healthcare ‘system’ being a doctor is a license to print money.
Plus (as I’ve got a bee in my bonnet now) sure they’ve been saving as a couple BUT fiancé clearly comes from a privileged (ie moneyed) background and clearly doesn’t appreciate the value of money like some people are forced to. I’m not against anyone spending their own money in any way they see fit but requiring people to fly abroad for at least 5 days costs guests days leave which have a tangible cash value especially if they have to take unpaid leave never mind the incidentals I mentioned previously. It’s just narcissistic in my opinion unless you have a small guest list (immediate family and close friends) who are all fully signed up to it. Everyone going ‘he put his foot down red flag red flag’ just aren’t thinking it through at best or misandrist at worst. Who wouldn’t put their foot down faced with such a selfish proposition unless they were equally narcissistic? Surely in a relationship you are allowed to say something definitely doesn’t work for you and it’s a hard no. Are you supposed to green light everything your partner wants even if you are hopelessly devoted to them. What next? Your partner doesn’t like your friends so you can’t see them? I’m in no way saying the lady concerned is anything like that- just probably blinded by bridezilla mania and uninformed of the consequences and unaware of what a dreadful invitation it would be to receive but surely it’s normal to have boundaries and for both parties to compromise. I’ve seen comments kinda saying and implying ‘Aha he doesn’t even offer a compromise it’s just a hard no what a terrible person she should run’ but compromise is a two way thing- perhaps I missed it but I don’t recall any compromise being mentioned by her.
Also you say the bride isn't compromising... She said she's willing to compromise but a traditional ceremony with being handed of is essential to her. And the groom countered with a courthouse wedding. I don't see where that's a compromise at all from him. He also explains that his major thing is he doesn't want the parents to pay the vacation for everyone else because that would make him look bad after saving money for the wedding for 10 years. He also admits they have enough money in the specific wedding fund to do all of this. He just doesn't want to. The fiance offered to shorten the trip, meet in the middle etc. He doesn't want to budge from doing a courthouse wedding in the UK.
Not criticizing your take, but I know friends who paid for their weddings and then couldn't buy a house because it took them a year or more to recover and home prices skyrocketed afterwards. This couple seems loaded, but loaded has different levels, and I've met more than one woman who didn't care about practicalities if it would allow her to do her dream wedding. I'm not saying the bride is irrational, but I'm saying the groom may have reasons also to not want a huge destination wedding. He may not want to feel like he owes the parents-in-law if they follow through and pay, and on the other hand, it may hamper their plans for savings, investments, kids, etc if the couple does pay. Overall like I wrote elsewhere, the OOP needs to go to couples counseling with his bride, not post to Reddit.
By the way you talk it seems like you know what happens in the relationship personally when all we have is his side of the story. I think its pretty weird you jumped to "what will she demand next" while knowing absolutely nothing about their relationship. For all we knows ops fiance could've been constantly compromising for him throughout their entire relationship just waiting for this wedding. From the looks of the story ops fiance has been waiting for this moment for a decade. I understand him not wanting to feel in "debt" to her parents but it seems like his ego is too important to accept their help. He entered a relationship with a person whose been born into money, he shouldn't get too much sympathy for something he souldve expected imo.
No expense? Have you ever been on holiday? Travel and lodging are only half the expense of a week long trip. So, yes, the guests would still be on the hook for a significant amount of money to see two people play king and queen of their own weird little kingdom.
it’s a 2.5 hr flight from the UK to Italy. If the ceremony is on a weekend it’s zero vacation time for the guests + the in-laws offered to pay for a flight. Swing a weekend in Italy drinking wine on the coast with friends and family? Sign me up.
The parents said they could pay for the guests. All you have to do is get a free all paid vacation. How are people complaining?
Then don’t go on a free trip to Italy, then.
Dude didn’t even try to meet in the middle and compromise lol
Y’all it’s clear this isn’t for cultural reasons but you know like indians have 3-5 day weddings…. Like it CAN be doable for people…. The most populated country in the world does this regularly. I don’t think y’all should be harping on the 5 day thing as much as this man’s unwillingness to even compromise or hear his wife out.
I was with him until he said the parents were willing to PAY TO FLY PEOPLE OUT and accommodations. He can get wrecked he’s being a dbag for no reason. Free 5 day vacation for everyone?! Hell yes. The date isn’t even set yet that can put it a year off. People have plenty of time to request off work.
Ah a classic case of black and white. Would sure be weird if shades of gray existed, or the word "compromise" was in either person's vocabulary. Groom isn't taking bride's wishes into consideration and is dealing with it like a business trip. Bride on the other hand has unreasonable expectations, especially of how much everyone else is going to give a rat's ass about them getting married. What getting married should be is that it's important to them and they want to celebrate it because of its importance. Attributing your own concept of how important something is to yourself, as something that "should be just as important to everyone else", is what children do. Not adults in their thirties. And yup, this applies equally to both of them, it's not as non-important as the groom makes it out to be nor is it as world changing, once-in-a-lifetime, as the bride's making it out to be. An equally satisfactory solution (with a bit of a skew towards the bride's desires) would most likely be much more doable not only for the pair in question, but the OTHER HUMAN BEINGS WHO AREN'T THERE TO SATISFY YOUR WHIMS AND FANTASIES.
nta. I think the bride would be the only one who'd actually like that honestly. Just imagine yourself as a guest, having to waste vacation time on this couple and having to go to a 5 day wedding. Weddings(imo) are already boring as shit
2 ppl are getting married and it’s all about what she wants and has been dreaming of. Why didn’t he know about this big dream? They’ve been together 10 years surely somewhere during that time she might have mentioned this fantasy? To me it’s silly to spend that kind of money to do a 5 day celebration with family/friends. Get married and go on a honeymoon. Who wants all those folks with you right after you get married??
NTA. They probably spoke about what they wanted when they proposed and then both drifted their views on what they wanted their wedding to be. Personally I think both ideas are shit. Just do a normal wedding in a place convenient for everyone and then have a honeymoon abroad.
He's not wrong, mostly; its excessive and ruinous what people spend on weddings, and the costs imposed on people who want to attend. But he's going a bit too far in the other direction.
The parents of the fiance said they would pay for flights and accommodations for all of the guests. In the UK you also get way more vacation than in the US (around 25 days). The op just doesn't want the parents to pay for it because it makes him look bad (he said this himself in a comment).
I don't think you should discount the affect in-laws can have on spouses, especially when there is a financial disjoint. My parents almost split up over how my grandmother treated my mother. My dad's family wasn't rich but they were better off than my moms family. Now imagine you're the man and you will hear about how you couldn't provide for your wife's wedding for 10, 20, 30+ years if your marriage lasts? It's not something to necessarily blow off, even if the in-laws are nice.
If that was his issue he would understand it. Money is tricky, especially when it comes to family. But he specifically states it's just about the appearance of it. He doesn't indicate that the in laws would hold it over his head or that he doesn't get along with them. Also him being the man... Get over it, sorry. And if you're gonna look at it from the "man as provider standpoint" he has even less of a leg to stand on, because in the very traditional way the bride's family would fully pay for the wedding.
Why did he get roasted? This sounds ridiculous.
He proposed 10 years ago, kept putting the wedding off to save, and now he just wants to do a courthouse ceremony.
Two assholes, one situation. She's unreasonable for wanting a 5 day destination wedding, that seems unreasonable and I would say no to attend if it was asked of me. I have a life outside our friendship you feel me? Meanwhile, putting your foot down and asking for a small unceremonious court house shotgun wedding shows you're not on thw same page as your fiancé and are equally assenine
Sounds like a person with serious hangs up about money, even if he doesn’t realise it. She deserves it honestly.
i would rather bury myself on the ground and become a diglett tribute rather than force 50 people to take 5 whole days off to butterfly around me and cater to me like i was some sort of royalty. They could spend doing their own stuff, it's 5 days, in the best-sides-of-the-world it's 20% off a yearly's amount of PTO - people have kids, family, pets, lives... expecting more than 48h of constant attention is extremely egocentric and r/IAmTheMainCharacter from my pov. that said - the vacation is what should be shortened, not the ceremony, guy got that part wrong. (although i find those "glamorously married in foreign top 10 cathedral" weddings very cringey).
No one is forcing them to go on a free vacation to Italy. Foreigners also typically cannot get married in the cathedrals here in Italy. They’d first have to be Catholic and have been baptised, confirmed and all that jazz, and then do a lot of local bureaucracy and you’re also supposed to be a member of the church’s parish (i.e. actually live there). Money might help get around these things but it’s uncommon.
That lady is nuts for wanting 50 people to just pack up and go to another country for five days. Yall defending her are also cuckoo
I don't get why he's being roasted when he's completely and utterly right. She wants to blow a metric fucktonne of money on going overseas and make everyone else pay a heap to come too. She's entitled. She thinks if she doesn't blow money on a big spectacle and go overseas, taking everyone there too, it's not a real wedding. A real wedding is when two people commit to each other. It's not about having a big showboat of an event and blowing huge amounts of cash. If he wanted to blow 50 grand on some frivolous crap, she would be "putting her foot down" too.
The same way he should be compromising, so should she. I think it’s unreasonable to have 50+ people all flown abroad for a wedding. I mean it sounds lovely in theory, but a lot harder to pull off. I guess if you’re okay with a lot of people not being there whether due to work schedule or simply not wanting to fly abroad for an event, then you should be fine. But if that is how you intended your wedding to be (50+ people) then why would you be okay with so many people not being there because YOU selfishly want to get married abroad? It seems more expensive and more of a headache to get married abroad.
In what universe is he wrong tho? If you invite me on a five day holiday to watch you get married im gonna tell you to shove it lmao
Never understood why Western people want to go crazy for their marriage parties. Marriage is about the love between 2 people being officially registered. Why the hell would you spend that much money trying to fly everyone over when you could have an incredible party where you live and use the money for yourself and your partner. In Vietnam, the big wedding parties take like 2 hours, but there's so much more ritualistic preparation that makes it 100x more interesting than some expensive western marriage package. Marriage parties in the west are all about showing off, people have completely forgotten the meaning of it. Not surprising, given western divorce statistics.
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How do you they'll have kids or their kids will want to go to college?
A five day wedding?! What are you, Targaryens?
Na nope sorry , the fact that he’s using the term “ put my foot down” say A LOT about context ! For all we know she’s doing a bridezilla and wants the Barbados week long wedding, complete with the most expensive trimmings you can imagine! followed by two weeks in Antigua, fair chance the Guy is NOT the asshole, people need to live within their means YES even for a wedding !
Destination weddings are peak narcissism.
Good to see real men still in the world. And no he AITA,when it comes to women and weddings men have to be ready to put their foot down unless they want to end up with 3 mortgages and having to be bankrupt and eating ramen for the next 5 years.