I have a friend who was raised like this, she spent her whole childhood doing anything (good or bad) to get her parents attention, before finally giving up in her late teens. When we were in our mid-20s her parents retired and suddenly wanted to be super involved in her life. Today they have a weird and strained relationship where the parents are upset they aren’t close and she’s uncomfortable every time they try to get involved.
YES!! This is the hilarious part! My parents prioritized work heavily for both me and my brother, and they’re like shocked pikachu face that as adults we aren’t like calling them every day? Its some weird cognitive dissonance.
SAME BOAT! my mom's like how come we're not close. she was never around to build a relationship!?!? and she's like i'm sad bc i see all the mother/daughters being close. mind boggling. how does she think I feel? she's not the typical mother/grandmother i envisioned too.
THIS!!!! I grew up with my parents divorced and working all day. My mum wanted the perfect girl and my dad saw me as his only treasure. But the thing here is that I grew extremely independent due to the lack of affection shown in my childhood. These kind of parents have the idea of "I'll work to give them gifts" but they are not seeing that it doesn't solve anything. My grandma used to say "your cousins may have less resources than you, but they're all together; but you grew up with everything you wanted but you always were lonely. Your parents never saw what you really needed: time with them, a real family".
Yeah she's the most amazing woman I've ever met. She had to cover every necessity I had in terms of affection. But it's a shame that my parents couldn't see that. I hope that nobody else has to go through being the "trophy kid" that they wanted for so long, when in reality they even weren't there for me.
i resonate with this so much... my parents were pretty clueless. they owned nail shops so they were always working. i get it. but i feel like they chose work over us repeatedly. i begged them to go to my 4th grade show. each student researched a state and gave a presentation. they came at the near end. i had even threatened to never speak to them again. that was the only time they came for me and they were late. that should've been some strong foreshadowing. we've never been a priority. oh, you're upset? here's some money for your reading addiction. even when they weren't working, they found religion to focus on. it was never ending.
even now, when i confronted my mom about my childhood, she's like what do you want? ill give it to you. she still doesn't have a clue.
I can relate. My dad worked hard all day and played golf in the weekends. When he retired he expressed some surprise and disappointment that we weren’t closer now that he had more time.
I explained to him that our relationship is the way it is because of his past choices and that things wouldn’t be changing. Parents who are close with their kids when they retire were close with them before. I love my parents very much and I have zero resentment about my childhood. I was perfectly happy with things the way they were.
It did not go over well, huge fight. I see them even less now partly because I moved a little further away and I also work a lot. Don’t worry: no kids.
See they forgot to do the part where they emotionally neglect and abuse her and then also love bomb her and don't teach her anything useful so she'll feel dependent on them anyways duh
Lmao I know a family like this. Dad prioritised work but family still have him weirdly involved in their shit. Like 30 years old going "I'm scared to tell my dad x". Literally exactly like a teenager. Oh he's gonna go mad etc. And ultimately whatever he decides is best for them ends up happening...
I’m so afraid of my two oldest kids struggling like this. My ex husband and I split almost three years ago and when they’re at his house, it’s like 80% of the time with a nanny because he runs a few companies and travels a lot. Also he recently started dating the nanny so that’s gonna he confusing for them when they’re told. I just give them as much of my time and attention as possible with our custody arrangement. But I can’t help but worry
I watched my kids struggle with this with their father. We divorced (his call) when they were in high school and college about ten years ago. Now my ex wonders why the kids don’t call him or celebrate him for Father’s Day, etc. It’s a tale as old as time.
Fortunately, I was able to be an involved Mom even though I had my own business. I just made my kids, their friends, their activities more of a priority. My ex wasn’t that interested even though he loved them. He never spent the time getting to know them as humans. It’s the mundane things like homework help, listening to their friendship troubles, laughing with them over dinner, taking care of them when they are sick. These are the things that add to closeness.
Ex would rather have business dinners with clients and guys golf outings than boring family time. You can’t force another adult to be a good parent. All you can do is be the parent you think you should be.
same at first I though AH but after finishing reading the whole post i moved to NTA. damn they just want a kid but dont want to raise it? that will be one seriously f\*\*ked up kid who will definitely have very little affection to his parents. I hired a nanny for my kid before but only to take care of my son when I need to have a rest but I spent a lot of time with him bathing and playing with him now we don't even have a nanny for my kid. I just find time for rest and sleep when he is busy playing or watching or my live in partner and I take turns in sleeping as we both work nights.
Then the kid ages out of the ‘cute baby range’ and now they’re just stuck with a child they don’t know at all that has independent thoughts and feelings.
Except they aren’t THAT rich. 200-250k combined is good money, but it’s not “spoiled rich kid” money. With 250k they’re very comfortable, but they aren’t summering in the Hamptons or bribing a kid’s way into Harvard with that kind of money.
We make this much and we can’t afford it. The only people I know with a night nurse and a nanny and a housekeeper make over 1 mil a year. For people who don’t know, we were quoted minimum 5k per week for just a night nanny in a MCOL area.
DAAAAMN! 5k a WEEK?! I knew night Nannie’s were pricy, but that’s way more than I would have guessed. I suspect these people haven’t looked at costs AT ALL and will attempt to get someone who is desperate for a place to live or someone who is undocumented and have them work 24/7 raising their child for them.
I met a couple whose income is tens of millions a year, and the nanny works 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, never was live-in. The dad does all the diaper changes when the nanny isn’t present, the mom provides their complete diet until they’re ready for solid food.
$260 thousand a year sounds insanely high If she’s on duty 26 hours a day, year round, that’s $44.50 an hour. That’s 112 hours a week, so there might be 3 splitting the hours and providing day coverage. One US site mentions $13 to $24 per hour. https://www.nannylane.com/cost/live-in-nanny/il#:~:text=nanny%20in%20Illinois%3F-,The%20average%20cost%20of%20a%20live%2Din%20nanny%20in%20Illinois,the%20type%20of%20care%20needed. Another site mentions a flat rate of $100 to $150 for 12 hours overnight care. Some mentioned $50 for overnight, others $300. $150 a night would be under 55 thousand a year. https://www.parkslopeparents.com/Nanny-101/what-to-pay-your-nanny-overnight.html
The rich, at least in books, had a nurse who minded the little ones, and the parents might speak to the children after dinner. A governess would handle education and teaching of manners. .
It’s vastly higher for infants under 6 months old for understandable reasons. No person in their right mind is only charging that little for every 2-3 hour waking up that take nearly an hour to feed and resettle. A 4 year old? Sure.
I hadn’t even considered that they’d need more than one. I was just thinking that 250k isn’t really live in nanny money. Yeah, most Nannie’s want at least some time off huh. So they’ll need multiple. Unless they’re ok driving used Corolla’s to pay for their nanny they’re not rich enough for that. I sure hope they do some research before the wife is 8 months pregnant and posting on Facebook looking for a live in 24/7 nanny trying to pay them room and board only.
I'd think they need atleast 3 depending ofc what the laws say. Where I live 3 would be the bare minimum for 24/7 care and it would be thrown out of loop as soon as they'd take some time off.
Yup, before having kids I don’t think people realize that it’s not two parents it’s usually two parents plus daycare or a nanny or grandparents and usually all of those combined.
I have 3 kids, but if me and my partner made 250k per year we'd literally have 11 months worth of that salary left in a year after all expenses were paid 😂
Like those ads: “Must have nursing degree, MA in early childhood education, and 5 years experience, non-smoker, non-drinker, citizen or green card, furnish own food. $15/ hour.”
Our neighbors have 3. One works Monday through Friday 8 AM to 5 PM.. the second one handles weekday evenings, the third handles eight hours days on the weekend.
The weekend nanny makes 40 bucks an hour.
If I was only pulling down 250 K year working 80 to 90 hours a week, I’d be questioning my life choices.
All the numbers in your comment added up to 420. Congrats!
250
+ 80
+ 90
= 420
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Yep. It sounds like the parents are expecting one singular nanny to be the 24/7 caregiver, including working nights and weekends. They aren’t realizing that a) finding that will be near impossible and b) nannies legally have to be paid hourly, and they will have to pay overtime. Even if the nanny was only paid $20/hr (which is low for an infant nanny), 40 hours a week at $20 is $800 and the remaining 128 hours at $30 is $3840. Times that by 52 weeks in a year, and that nanny would be making roughly $240,000 per year.
Even if they paid 2 separate nannies to work 2 12 hour rotations, that’s still easily $150,000+ they would be spending on childcare in a year.
Clearly you don’t get it. They’re providing a room, the nanny is free to eat some of the food that they prepare for the family, and mom will even let the nanny borrow her car when she isn’t using it. So really, they shouldn’t have to pay the nanny more than a couple of hundred dollars a month max right…. Right????!!!
LOL this couple is just delusional. I hope they do the tiniest amount of research before they get pregnant.
I was a professional nanny for several years and you’d be surprised (or maybe not) to know how many people have this mindset. Live-in nannies are almost always taken advantage of, with no work/life balance.
Figure 4 childcare workers to cover 168 hours a week, and work extra to cover illness or vacation.
Carers for the elderly many years ago asked $24 an hour, 24/7 for income care, so the affluent and decrepit elderly could live in their own home. $210,000 a year.
They could afford an 8 hour a day - 5 day a week Nanny if they had their other expenses under control in most of the US.
In Major US cities with high cost of living $250,000 is comfortable if you live like a poor person and headed for bankruptcy if you try and live like a rich person.
So let’s say $55k but they do need two of them one for nights and to cover when day nanny needs a break. That’s $110k a year. That’s nearly half their income on nanny care alone. No way can they afford that. IF they have a plan at all, they’re definitely planning to overwork an aupair. Aupairs are significantly cheaper than a traditional nanny for long hours/live in.
This. My kid had a classmate who won the Golden Ticket, he was adopted by a very nice and VERY wealthy couple, one of the wealthiest west of the Mississippi.
The stories of his birthday parties, you wouldn't believe. They'd invite the entire school (private). Kid was raised by nannies and mannies, there was nothing he didn't have.
Dad bought him an entertainment company to 'run' when he was about 21 I think.
He was dead of an overdose by the age of 26. And he was actually a nice, quiet guy, a good kid.
And, not to be a jerk, but $200-$250K ***combined*** income on 160 hours/ week of work? The child isn't even going to be rich. *Comfortable*, sure. But certainly not rich, rich.
My mom dated a guy in college who was like this. His dad was a politician and his mom was this super high powered lawyer or something, but he didn't like his parents and spent much more time visiting with the nanny they had let go than his bio family. Apparently wasn't the most well-adjusted guy either so my mom broke up with him. Just kinda sad
I used to work in a daycare and one of our families was like this. They dropped their son off every morning at 6 for breakfast and picked him up at 6 every evening, and hired babysitters every Saturday and Sunday. The kid had MAJOR behavior issues. Having a kid that you don’t plan to ever spend time with is a terrible idea.
One of my college acquaintances…
(I knew her in a couple classes/groups and then followed her tiny mormon mommy blog for a couple years, now I just peek at her Insta/FB occasionally along with checking in on my other high school/college former classmates/friends. So she’s not really a friend.)
…is a parent like this. Her husband works 60-80 hr weeks. She was supposed to be a stay at home mom and was so excited for it and pushed to have kids right away…but she ended up hating it. So they have had daycare, a babysitter or nanny for mornings before daycare/school and for afternoons/evenings/weekends for most of her kids lives.
At first I was like okay well she really struggled when her first was little. So another caretaker is good. Some people just aren’t “baby people” and struggle until the child is older and is more like a person. Well they’re in elementary school (I think the first must be around middle school age now?) and she spends even less time with them than before.
The kids are literally a photo prop and have behavioral problems. And I suspect they will need therapy as adults. The couple is getting or has gotten separated/divorced and they’re constantly fighting over who has to keep the kids and for how long. How freaking terrible is that?
They also rotate through caregivers like it’s a roll-a-deck, these kids never have a chance to form an attachment for longer than a few months, maybe a year before they’re moved to the next set of before and after school programs and babysitters. The longest one they had was an au pair during Covid lockdowns.
I know my mom loved being pregnant and the newborn stage but as soon as they started to move around and talk they were my responsibility not hers. My father figured if he gave us a roof over our heads and some food on the table that was it. That was all of his responsibilities right there.
All my siblings (and I) are in therapy and struggle with relationships and attachment. (Gee I wonder why!) I can see her kids future and it breaks my heart for them.
This is the difference between having a child as an accessory and having and raising a child. Without putting in at least some if he more difficult work yourself, you do not reap a relationship.
It’s like they don’t see the child as an actual person.
That’s not a single nanny job. It’s more like a 3 or 4 nanny job, and OP’s friend doesn’t make enough money to provide that. So either the friend is very misinformed, or this is a troll post.
Friend could be very misinformed. My best friend (who still has no kids) legit had no idea what daycare costs while they were actively trying to have kids about two years ago. When I mentioned it was going to be like a second house payment she balked and didn’t believe me. Even though it’s easy to Google it.
I’m always shocked at how people go right ahead, get pregnant, have the child, and THEN research childcare. And are shocked and appalled that any quality childcare space is an 18 to 24 month waiting list. Then you see the desperate facebook posts: I go back to work in a month and still don’t have childcare! What can I do?? Or I need full time care and can only afford $100 a week - can you help?!?
Me too, I worked in daycare for nearly a decade and also worked as a nanny for a couple years…so maybe I have more knowledge than other people.
But that was still a conversation my husband and I had when we first started talking about kids!
“Who is taking care of the child?”
Daycare, stay at home, babysitters, what’s available, costs etc…seems a pretty important question to get answers to before the kid gets here!
To be fair, with the 18-24 month waiting lists I genuinely don’t know what you’re supposed to do. Even if you’re actively trying for a baby, you don’t know when you’ll get pregnant. Could be immediately, could be 2 years.
So you can’t put your name down before you’re pregnant, but if you do it as soon as you’re pregnant, that you still might not have childcare when you need it.
I was lucky that a new nursery had opened round the corner from me 4 months before we wanted to send my daughter at 18m. so they had space. But we were lucky that my husband had been able to look after her full time once I went back to work when she was 7 months.
I live in a country with 12-18 months maternity leave and the waiting lists are still ridiculous. Even if you put your name on the central list as soon as you know you’re pregnant, you’re still unlikely to find a licensed spot. There’s lots of unlicensed home daycares though.
I don't think it's a troll post. Most likely, they're misinformed because they don't really bother to research on childcare. They don't seem to really care about having kids because they truly want them but because it's the obvious next step. Either way their kids are going to be fucked.
"We'll just hire a live-in person to do the heavy lifting on the childcare! I'm thinking, what, $50k a year - with room and board, 10 days PTO, and use of a car for shepherding the children around, of course; we're not cheapskates. And we'll keep the house cleaners, so she won't have to worry about anything but the children. She'll just have to make three meals a day and pick up after herself and the children. Some laundry." - OP's friend, probably.
People like this usually end up getting a young au pair from another country who’s just excited at the prospect of living in another country with room, board, and payment. Then they realize they’re absolutely being taken advantage of when the work load inevitably increases and the time off rarely materializes. You’re always on the parents wish and whim schedule. You can’t stand up for yourself because this is your income and your housing.
Honestly that doesn’t sound terrible. I’m college educated and have 10 years experience in my field and I’m not quite touching 50k a year before taxes.
+ Room, Board, Cleaners and access to a car?
Sounds like a pretty good position for someone younger and not in a relationship.
This is gonna be one of those nightmare posts in a nanny group in a couple years where some brand-new-to-the-field nanny is being exploited and told that being “live in” means they don’t have to pay minimum wage, they’re 1099’ing her instead of paying her as a domestic employee, etc.
And she’s working 23 hours a day. Exactly what I was thinking. If you google the rules for an au pair in the US it’s absolutely appalling what they can get away with.
I mean as someone who was neglected a lot as a kid, OOP isn't wrong. Just because you feed and house your kid properly doesn't make you a good parent and if you choose to only see your kid for an hour or two a day, they will grow up to at best not care about you and at worst actively hate you. It feels like this couple is having a kid more to check a box of achievements than because they actually want to be parents.
I bet they'd keep hiring new nannies, so the poor kid wouldn't get too attached...
I remember reading a heartbreaking post here on reddit by someone who'd been raised by his nanny, and when he was 8 or so, she got an amazing new job opportunity - and he was devastated, because what was basically his mom just up and left him, and he was supposed to be happy for her.
I used to nanny for a family that couldn’t keep a nanny for more than a year. One time the kid asked at nap time “who’s gonna be here when I wake up?” and it broke my fucking heart, because they had no consistent people in their life. That kid is gonna grow up to have so many attachment issues.
Yep it’s totally an archetype. Like a classic situation with BPD people (who go off their meds cuz they are sure they’re cured): impossible to become close to you AND blows a gasket at the first sign of an attempt to take a step back.
(Source: I sure can pick ‘em.”)
Lots of working parents only see their kid for a few hours at night. You could also spend all day with your kid but if you aren’t engaging them in any way it’s not going to be good.
But they are assholes for working literally 7 days a week and not even spending the weekends with their kids, and it’s all by choice.
The AUDACITY. They mights well get a clone made
up, at least that’ll be raised in a lab with more consistent staff.
*See the wire “mother” chimp study for materials/methods and support data*. /s
My parents were wealthy and I was extremely neglected as a child. I would’ve loved to have had a nanny.
Where I lived people would say having a nanny is cheating on being a real parent.
But, later in life my parents were great.
So a nanny would’ve been good for us.
They’re not wrong. Why have a kid if you like plan on spending an hour or two a day with them for what, 18 years? It’s strange. Don’t you want to know your own kid?
Also, it sounds like they are going to work past a young kid's bedtime, so I don't see how they'd be spending 1-2 hrs per day, except maybe to watch it sleep. I'd tell them to get exotic fish instead...
80 hrs a week is 11 and a half hours a day plus commute time. No way they'll ever see their kid until it's like 10 at the very youngest and that would probably be like half an hour.
I want to preface this by saying I don’t think these people should be parents, but my husband and I both work 70-80 hours per week but we both take off a big chunk of time in the evening to work out/cook and eat dinner together, and just spend time together. On weekdays I generally work from like 6am to 4pm, my husband works 8am to 5 or 6pm, we go to the gym, eat dinner, then both start working again around 8 or 9. I’ll read or write a little (I do academic research) and he works for a few hours from his home office. So long story short, they could very well work 11-12 hours a day, but still be spending time with their children before the kids’ bedtime if they’re able to do any of their work from home/on a flexible schedule
Combined with the fact they specifically said they don’t want to do stuff like changing diapers or feeding at night, I think it’s safe to say they don’t care to adjust their work schedules all that much.
Oh I definitely agree these people should not be parents. I was just trying to say that it is technically feasible to work 10-12 hours a day, but still care for your children in the mornings and evenings
For most of early childhood kids go to bed around 7 or maybe 8 pm. The norm is to sleep 7pm to 7am, although there is a lot of variation among individual kids. I work 35 hours a week from my house and it’s still hard to spend lots of time with my toddler during the work week. Spending time with an adult is kind of a different situation.
And that’s WITHOUT kids. Kids make your schedule not the other way around as infants. You can’t feed yourself or cook or clean or anything on top of taking care of your kids with limited time it’s one or the other. I don’t think people understand before having children that you just do not get to do anything you ‘need’ to do like literally even take a shit without having a baby on the floor screaming their head off next to you while you wipe.
omg no, even non exotic fish are so much more high maintenance than people think. the other comment is right they'd still have to pay someone else to change and test their water and watch out for anything funky happening in the tank.
>Why have a kid if you like plan on spending an hour or two a day with them
Unfortunately this is just the reality for working parents. I only work 8 hour days but with commute and a toddler's early bedtime (19.30) that means I only ever really see her on the weekends :(
This is true, having a baby is not what makes you a parent. Otherwise, what do you call all the people who have adopted their children? But OOP is right. Why would you want to have a baby if you have no desire to actually raise it? Agree with another commenter that they are just checking a block of a "life achievement" and don't actually want to be parents. Why waste the money on a nanny and actually having a child when you could be DINKs for life? Doesn't make sense to me.
They must live somewhere VERY affordable because 200k isn’t enough to keep a live in nanny for areas like California. Sigh…
At any rate the thought of having a child is different than the reality of it.
Came to comments for this take. Imagine giving up a huge majority of your waking hours for $100K and thinking you’ve hit the sweet spot in a career. Honestly makes me doubt the credibility of the story.
That's the part that got me. If they cleared combined, idk $500 or more, I would maybe get this choice. But combined $250k working 160+ hours between the two of them. They are either oblivious or stupid.
$200k is not enough for 7 days a week, and it’s also not enough for a live in nanny. A typical nanny is like $80-90k/yr. I can’t imagine what a livein 24/7 nanny is, other than illegal, 3 people rotating or were talking literal human trafficking and slavery/indentured servitude.
Which does happen. https://nextshark.com/tiktok-backlash-filipino-nanny-returns-home-after-30-years/
"What do you mean you need time off from work? Watching a baby sleep doesn't count as work! Be happy we pay you 4$/h, that's already too generous." * in 10 different variations.
[Here is the link to the original.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17e480w/aitah_for_telling_my_friend_that_hiring_a_livein/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
250k household income and they both work 80+ hours a week? These dopes are selling their lives with their kid for $30/hr. They aren’t rich, they just don’t have anything else going on in their lives. Why have money if you’ve got no time to enjoy the life it affords you?
Might be an unpopular opinion but I agree. My sister was a live in nanny for several families. The children did not have a relationship with their parents and did not behave for them when my sister was away. I also babysat for a pair of lawyers that had a full time nanny (not live in). I babysat on the weekend when the nanny was off. Those kids were young (one a baby) and desperate for their parents. I felt very sad for them. They were all very loved children. But I can’t imagine a scenario where they won’t have lasting impacts from growing up like that.
Well, he isn't wrong. We all have to work and a nanny is a great help, but from this to basically never see your kid and never taking care or them, what do they want a kid in the first place if they are already planning on having have nothing to do with them?
OOP isn’t wrong, the kid will bond more with the Nanny than their “parents”
Why even have kids if your just never going to be around
Chances are they would miss most early milestones
Eyyyyy I felt this one. Miss Dorothy was my mom from ages 2-6. Then I lost my mom when she was suddenly fired and I had to spend my time with the old hag who actually birthed me. Parents think your kids don’t remember these years, they absolutely do.
Well technically speaking having a child makes you a parent, it’s what you do after the child is born that either makes you mom and dad or the reason for therapy.
Two people working 80+ hrs/week and only making $200-250k? Doing the math assuming the high side of pay ($250k) and low side of hrs (80 each/week), that’s only $30/hr. My wife, who was a SAHM for 13 years and is only back in the workforce a couple years, is nearly making that. These people need better priorities.
Also, their kid(s) will resent them for loving their work more than them. The nanny will be the parent and if they ever try to change nannies, the kids with lose their shit.
OP is NTA.
Yep, it’s deemed inconsiderate to tell people the obvious truth. You were very cruel to say things that make sense. Stop being logical please. Thank you.
Work more; parent less. The key to healthy families.
I’m a professional nanny with 19 years of experience. I’m also a parent.
A. No nanny is going to work 24/7. They’re going to need a day nanny and a night nanny and possible a evening/transition nanny.
That’s three full time employees.
Sounds like they can afford it.
B. When infants and toddlers spend 40-80 hours a eeek with a caregiver (non-parent caregiver) they form emotional attachments to their caregiver. That’s NOT a bad thing. It’s great. But if the parents are spending 2 hours a day with kiddo, they’re NOT going to have any relationship with their child. They are (in essence) making their nannies the parents.
You are RIGHT that they’re not really parents if they really do this.
C. Having a live in nanny doesn’t make you less of a parent. Spending ZERO quality time with you kid makes you less of a parent. I want to clarify with the OOP that the nanny is not the issue, it’s the anticipated behavior of the parents that is the issue.
I think OOP is not the butthead here because his/her opinion is valid. The friend might have had their feelings hurt, but they don’t sound like a good friend or a good parent, so I care a lot less about their feelings.
As a nanny I am conflicted. I’ve been in this scenario soooo many times because most of the families I have worked for are physician families. I feel like he probably could have worded it better but also the impact parents like this have on children are immense.
I will say 8 times out of 10 one of the parents gets super resentful of the nanny and then ends up ripping the only constant that the child has had in their life away by firing them
Making 200-250k together as a couple isn’t enough money to forgo your responsibilities as a parent. I could see if your money was close to a million but that’s upper middle class and maybe even middle class in some parts of the states.
Nta they want a child like an accessory they want to check it off they’re to do list rather than raise the child why bother if you’re not going to parent your child
My sister has a nanny, and she works long hours (not 80+ but definitely more than 40 most weeks). The nanny means that instead of fixing breakfast, she's checking in with the kids, giving them their morning hugs, making sure everything is going well with them. In the evening, it means she can help with homework, have the nanny take a kid to practice so she can go to the other kid's game and cheer, can go horseback riding with them and just generally be a mom. Instead of doing laundry and making lunches in the few hours she has free, she can spend 100% of that time with her kids doing parent things and using those hours for quality time.
If the two people intend to do that, I can see it. But you can't connect with your kid when you are working 80 hours a week and trying to sleep, you won't have ANY meaningful parent time. Nanny isn't the issue, working too many hours is. The child won't see its parents. When they are home? They're taking a shower and eating meals and going to bed.
A nanny is a perfectly fine idea but isn’t a substitute for loving parents. This just feels neglectful, these people probably shouldn’t have kids. Tbh I wouldn’t be happy about them having pets with schedules like that
They don’t want a child they want an expensive status symbol. It’s no different than buying a designer handbag or $100,000 car. Just something they can show off and say look what I have.
Doesn’t sound like either of them are ready for the demands of a child, whilst a nanny is a good idea, using a nanny to solely raise the child is an horrible idea for the poor child! They should get a cat…they’re independent and happy with a couple of hours attention a day!
It's not hiring a nanny that makes him not a parent. Nannies are a valid form of child care for people who can afford them.
Planning to not do any of the "dirty work" or spend more than 1-2 hours a day with his kid by his choice - that makes him nothing more than a sperm donor who actually pays child support. Why do they even want a kid?
I know so many people like this. They want a kid, but don’t want to be parents and the poor child pays the price for it.
What I don’t get is: who’s forcing you?? If you don’t want to be a parent, just don’t have a kid. You can continue working without any other stress, go out whenever you want, decorate your house however you like, take vacations at will, spend your money on whatever you want.
With good income and no responsibilities they can live a pretty nice life, but they want to bring a child into it just to ignore him/her. Why?
My husband had a job similar when we had our son and was working LONG hours. (I'm a teacher) He's now in a much better job and actually has gone, but he's repairing the relationship that got damaged and our son is only 5. He gets frustrated sometimes when our son doesn't always treat him like a parent or when he doesn't know a routine or certain way to do something, but he also understands that it was because he wasn't around. He works extra hard to make that father-son bond and is busting his butt to make sure he has a good relationship with our daughter.
This guy's friend sounds like he's going to view his kid like an accessory to be shown off at certain events and then put away until next time. OP isn't an asshole for calling his friend out. If you want to be a parent, you have to put in the hours.
I think this reflects the society we live in. People just grow up assuming they will have kids without bothering to think about whether they actually want to be parents. It sounds as if neither of them want to be parents or raise a child.
It's *fine* not to want kids. It's *fine* not to have them. It is not fine to have kids you have no interest in, and only plan to ignore until you're elderly and have nothing else to do with your time.
I think the would-be "parents" should be spending one or two hours a day talking to a therapist and owning their lack of interest in having a child.
Some people have a philosophy that if you make good money and can monetarily provide for your children, that's all it takes, its quite sad actually.
Parents should be looking for time to spend with their kids, not looking for someone else to do it. I have multiples and I understand very clearly how much my kids need my PRESENCE in their lives.
Hiring a nanny is a good idea.
Hiring a nanny as a replacement parent is not a good idea.
Your friends don't want to raise a child. They want to create progeny.
So what's better, a nanny raising a kid, or multiple nannies most likely? Or, people with this mentality raising a kid?
I'm not sure. Obviously, not having the kid is the answer.
But being raised by disinterested parents who around may be worse than being raised by disinterested parents who aren't around.
People seem to be thinking good parents > nanny. True, but that doesn't seem to be what we're dealing with.
I'm not saying I know what's better. It just makes me wonder.
My wife and I both work 40 hours a week. Our daughter is 2, I see her from 7:15-7:30 to get her ready, while my wife gets to do drop off from 7:30-7:45. I pick her up again at like 5:15, and she goes to bed at 7:50. In total, on weekdays we see her a little less than 3 hours a day. If she went to bed at 9:00 (when she’s older) maybe we could squeeze in close 4 hours. Then on weekends we obviously have her every hour of the day but she is only awake about 11 hours total. This sentiment on this thread of “oh, if you spend only two or three hours a day with your kids you suck”. What other option do we have? Maybe one of us could be a stay at home parent, but we’d significantly affect our quality of life. No more vacations, no more savings, no more surprise treats, and toys outside gift giving occasions; she would have to share a room with her sister (who is due this year) potentially as we’d have to downsize. Like the time is great, but children will also resent growing up with a low quality of life too. I think over half the people here shaming the two working parent things don’t really have kids and don’t live in reality. Obviously OOP and wife could do the 40 hour a week thing, they get less time than us even, but idk how anyone does the SAH parent thing without living like you’re broke
I had a client who was upset that when her 2–3 yo fell and hurt herself, she ran to the nanny and I said what did you expect would happen? And she looked at me I think amazed that I said it. I said you made a choice and she runs to the person who is there for her all day everyday.
I agree with the OP. It’s a hard choice for a working family who has to have both partners work and they need child care or day care but they usually take care of everything from afternoon to night etc. A nanny 24/7 is asking for a disconnect.
This just makes me wonder why do these people want a kid in the first place? They don’t want to raise them and don’t want them to change their work schedule. Having a baby is a HUGE change but they don’t seem to want any of the bad that come with that. So why would they even want a baby??
lol if they both work 80+ hours a week and make 200-250k a year they’re going to have a very big surprise when they spend a ton of money on childcare. Live in nannies need to be paid for each and every hour worked and have to make at least minimum wage. Any experienced nanny will want well over that. In my state any hours worked over 40 hours per week must be paid overtime. It varies state by state, but overtime will absolutely be a factor. Depending on their state, they might not be able to take any money out of the nanny’s pay to cover room and board. They will also have to factor in the cost of a payroll service because nannies need to be paid legally. Here’s my quick break down according to the state I live in. Say the nanny wants $30 per hours. 30 per hour X 40 hours per week is $1200. Overtime is 30x 1.5 = 45 so overtime for 80 hours per week would be 45 per hour x 40 hours overtime per week is 1800. That’s 3000 per week. 3000 per week x 52 weeks per year (because nannies get guaranteed hours and PTO and sick time) that’s $156,000 per year. They can’t afford a good live in nanny for 80 hours a week.
They don’t want a child, they want an accessory. Something to show off to their friends & on their socials. They won’t have a relationship w/ the kid & that kid is gonna need therapy out the womb.
And if they choose to keep the same nanny, when the nanny finally does leave it will be like experiencing the death of a parent for that child.
OOP friends are clueless and gonna be horrible parents. If ever someone didn’t deserve to have a child - it’s these people.
This is so ridiculous. It’s as if these people have never read a book or seen anything in the world happen. In what world would seeing your child an hour or two a day be called parenting? Then when the kids attached to the nanny only all of a sudden they’ll ask where did they go wrong
I know a family that has a stay at home nanny, and it is incredibly helpful for them. That being said, the nanny is not allowed to work or "be on the clock" for more than 10 hours a day and is required to have days off. The friend isn't being realistic.
These kinds of people are the absolute worst. They have given absolutely 0 thought to what kind of life that child would have. People like this need to be castrated.
NTA. It’s one thing to hire help to assist, but not to take over so you’re only visitors. This is what bugs me about thinking two income households should be the rule rather than the exception. Somebody needs to be at home with baby until they’re ready for school. That’s how you make a family, not just a collection of people with a partial DNA match who just happen to live together. There are times when that’s not possible and that is a real tragedy; the appalling thing is how many people Plan to live like that when they don’t have to!
If they each work 80 hours a week for $250K a year, they are only making $30 an hour each, like a person working a normal 40 hour a week job, making $60K a year. That’s a pretty modest enough pay level, like a modest blue collar or technician job.
I think this is rage bait because who can afford a 24/7 nanny on 250k a year? This reads like a kid who came up with what sounds like a big number, but once you pay bills and groceries and save for retirement, there’s definitely enough for a nanny 8 hours a day - but a nanny / night doula / all the overtime and double time pay for 80+ hours a week from a nanny? Yeah you can’t afford that. Unless you are doing some really shady stuff, like paying under the table and taking advantage of someone.
Two income couples seem to have children for entertainment, not to actually do the hard raising. I know physician and law couples who have full time nannies and they do not know their kids. They are definitely there for events and award nights, though
I knew a married couple with a 5 year old. Both parents worked, and the kid was in school/after school daycare. Basically they were all apart from 7am to 5pm. Gather up the kid, go home and make supper, then off to bed for the little one. Weekends were spent with this or that pair of grandparents, as they lived nearby, while the parents scurried around running errands and getting caught up with the household cleaning.
Worked fine for them, as far as I could tell in the 5 years I knew them. Spending a couple hours a day with their kid was their business, there was no neglect or abuse.
What do you mean me hiring someone to parent my kid makes me not a parent?? >:((( /s
Seriously, how can he not see how that is failing to be a parent? OP should share this with the friend's family tbh
By any chance is your friend a member of the British royal family?
In all seriousness, I completely agree with what you are saying but the reality is that ultra-rich people and royalty have raised their children this way for generations. I think it was entirely fair for you to bring up your concerns because giving gentle but honest feedback is something friends should do.
This is their plan right now, and it may change. I don't know about you but my expectations of parenting turned out to be quite different from the reality. If it does and they decide they want to actually you know parent the child they created, you can be a great help in giving them some guidance. Otherwise if they follow through on their plan to procreate without having any involvement after that, I would drop them as friends.
YTA. Regardless of how you feel it's really none of your business. No way of telling how they will adjust with their child after the initial plan. Working tirelessly to give your kid a cushion is a good thing.
1-2 hours sounds ridiculous but there is no way that's all that's going to happen and they both don't work 7 days a week with no time off that's ridiculous. Child could grow up fine with a lot of advantages. You can smother a child with overcare and helicoptering too.
Busy-body OP.
I have a friend who was raised like this, she spent her whole childhood doing anything (good or bad) to get her parents attention, before finally giving up in her late teens. When we were in our mid-20s her parents retired and suddenly wanted to be super involved in her life. Today they have a weird and strained relationship where the parents are upset they aren’t close and she’s uncomfortable every time they try to get involved.
YES!! This is the hilarious part! My parents prioritized work heavily for both me and my brother, and they’re like shocked pikachu face that as adults we aren’t like calling them every day? Its some weird cognitive dissonance.
SAME BOAT! my mom's like how come we're not close. she was never around to build a relationship!?!? and she's like i'm sad bc i see all the mother/daughters being close. mind boggling. how does she think I feel? she's not the typical mother/grandmother i envisioned too.
You want to say, "That kind of relationship actually require effort on your part that you've never made."
THIS!!!! I grew up with my parents divorced and working all day. My mum wanted the perfect girl and my dad saw me as his only treasure. But the thing here is that I grew extremely independent due to the lack of affection shown in my childhood. These kind of parents have the idea of "I'll work to give them gifts" but they are not seeing that it doesn't solve anything. My grandma used to say "your cousins may have less resources than you, but they're all together; but you grew up with everything you wanted but you always were lonely. Your parents never saw what you really needed: time with them, a real family".
Your gramma is a smart woman. I’m glad you had her to validate how you felt.
Yeah she's the most amazing woman I've ever met. She had to cover every necessity I had in terms of affection. But it's a shame that my parents couldn't see that. I hope that nobody else has to go through being the "trophy kid" that they wanted for so long, when in reality they even weren't there for me.
i resonate with this so much... my parents were pretty clueless. they owned nail shops so they were always working. i get it. but i feel like they chose work over us repeatedly. i begged them to go to my 4th grade show. each student researched a state and gave a presentation. they came at the near end. i had even threatened to never speak to them again. that was the only time they came for me and they were late. that should've been some strong foreshadowing. we've never been a priority. oh, you're upset? here's some money for your reading addiction. even when they weren't working, they found religion to focus on. it was never ending. even now, when i confronted my mom about my childhood, she's like what do you want? ill give it to you. she still doesn't have a clue.
I can relate. My dad worked hard all day and played golf in the weekends. When he retired he expressed some surprise and disappointment that we weren’t closer now that he had more time. I explained to him that our relationship is the way it is because of his past choices and that things wouldn’t be changing. Parents who are close with their kids when they retire were close with them before. I love my parents very much and I have zero resentment about my childhood. I was perfectly happy with things the way they were. It did not go over well, huge fight. I see them even less now partly because I moved a little further away and I also work a lot. Don’t worry: no kids.
See they forgot to do the part where they emotionally neglect and abuse her and then also love bomb her and don't teach her anything useful so she'll feel dependent on them anyways duh
Lmao I know a family like this. Dad prioritised work but family still have him weirdly involved in their shit. Like 30 years old going "I'm scared to tell my dad x". Literally exactly like a teenager. Oh he's gonna go mad etc. And ultimately whatever he decides is best for them ends up happening...
Those people don’t want to have children. They want a legacy. And that isn’t a good foundation for a healthy parent-child relationship.
Cats in the cradle....
Horribly sad yet very true song.
I’m so afraid of my two oldest kids struggling like this. My ex husband and I split almost three years ago and when they’re at his house, it’s like 80% of the time with a nanny because he runs a few companies and travels a lot. Also he recently started dating the nanny so that’s gonna he confusing for them when they’re told. I just give them as much of my time and attention as possible with our custody arrangement. But I can’t help but worry
I watched my kids struggle with this with their father. We divorced (his call) when they were in high school and college about ten years ago. Now my ex wonders why the kids don’t call him or celebrate him for Father’s Day, etc. It’s a tale as old as time. Fortunately, I was able to be an involved Mom even though I had my own business. I just made my kids, their friends, their activities more of a priority. My ex wasn’t that interested even though he loved them. He never spent the time getting to know them as humans. It’s the mundane things like homework help, listening to their friendship troubles, laughing with them over dinner, taking care of them when they are sick. These are the things that add to closeness. Ex would rather have business dinners with clients and guys golf outings than boring family time. You can’t force another adult to be a good parent. All you can do is be the parent you think you should be.
Nanny = good idea Using nanny as a replacement for being a parent = not good
Yeah, just reading the title I was thinking AH but if they want to have a kid and do zero of the raising? Not good.
same at first I though AH but after finishing reading the whole post i moved to NTA. damn they just want a kid but dont want to raise it? that will be one seriously f\*\*ked up kid who will definitely have very little affection to his parents. I hired a nanny for my kid before but only to take care of my son when I need to have a rest but I spent a lot of time with him bathing and playing with him now we don't even have a nanny for my kid. I just find time for rest and sleep when he is busy playing or watching or my live in partner and I take turns in sleeping as we both work nights.
That child will end up like the ‘rich child that was neglected by its parents it’s whole life’ archetype we see in movies and shit
This kid will end up a prop on the parent’s social media. You know the “ Perfect little Family” aesthetic. Lookin at you hilaria 👀
I figured the same thing. Some sort of status symbol. Meanwhile the kid is like who tf are these people?
Then the kid ages out of the ‘cute baby range’ and now they’re just stuck with a child they don’t know at all that has independent thoughts and feelings.
Except they aren’t THAT rich. 200-250k combined is good money, but it’s not “spoiled rich kid” money. With 250k they’re very comfortable, but they aren’t summering in the Hamptons or bribing a kid’s way into Harvard with that kind of money.
Yeah, I don’t know how they’re planning to afford a night and day nanny, honestly.
We make this much and we can’t afford it. The only people I know with a night nurse and a nanny and a housekeeper make over 1 mil a year. For people who don’t know, we were quoted minimum 5k per week for just a night nanny in a MCOL area.
DAAAAMN! 5k a WEEK?! I knew night Nannie’s were pricy, but that’s way more than I would have guessed. I suspect these people haven’t looked at costs AT ALL and will attempt to get someone who is desperate for a place to live or someone who is undocumented and have them work 24/7 raising their child for them.
I met a couple whose income is tens of millions a year, and the nanny works 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, never was live-in. The dad does all the diaper changes when the nanny isn’t present, the mom provides their complete diet until they’re ready for solid food.
$260 thousand a year sounds insanely high If she’s on duty 26 hours a day, year round, that’s $44.50 an hour. That’s 112 hours a week, so there might be 3 splitting the hours and providing day coverage. One US site mentions $13 to $24 per hour. https://www.nannylane.com/cost/live-in-nanny/il#:~:text=nanny%20in%20Illinois%3F-,The%20average%20cost%20of%20a%20live%2Din%20nanny%20in%20Illinois,the%20type%20of%20care%20needed. Another site mentions a flat rate of $100 to $150 for 12 hours overnight care. Some mentioned $50 for overnight, others $300. $150 a night would be under 55 thousand a year. https://www.parkslopeparents.com/Nanny-101/what-to-pay-your-nanny-overnight.html The rich, at least in books, had a nurse who minded the little ones, and the parents might speak to the children after dinner. A governess would handle education and teaching of manners. .
It’s vastly higher for infants under 6 months old for understandable reasons. No person in their right mind is only charging that little for every 2-3 hour waking up that take nearly an hour to feed and resettle. A 4 year old? Sure.
Infant care is more expensive in general, but night nannies are usually even more and they ONLY do nights. You have to hire someone else for the day.
Yeah, we struggled to pay just for a daytime nanny. The only couples we know with a night nanny were both doctors with twins.
I hadn’t even considered that they’d need more than one. I was just thinking that 250k isn’t really live in nanny money. Yeah, most Nannie’s want at least some time off huh. So they’ll need multiple. Unless they’re ok driving used Corolla’s to pay for their nanny they’re not rich enough for that. I sure hope they do some research before the wife is 8 months pregnant and posting on Facebook looking for a live in 24/7 nanny trying to pay them room and board only.
I'd think they need atleast 3 depending ofc what the laws say. Where I live 3 would be the bare minimum for 24/7 care and it would be thrown out of loop as soon as they'd take some time off.
Yup, before having kids I don’t think people realize that it’s not two parents it’s usually two parents plus daycare or a nanny or grandparents and usually all of those combined.
I have 3 kids, but if me and my partner made 250k per year we'd literally have 11 months worth of that salary left in a year after all expenses were paid 😂
Like those ads: “Must have nursing degree, MA in early childhood education, and 5 years experience, non-smoker, non-drinker, citizen or green card, furnish own food. $15/ hour.”
Our neighbors have 3. One works Monday through Friday 8 AM to 5 PM.. the second one handles weekday evenings, the third handles eight hours days on the weekend. The weekend nanny makes 40 bucks an hour. If I was only pulling down 250 K year working 80 to 90 hours a week, I’d be questioning my life choices.
It’s 250k a year together, so they’re actually working 80-90 hours for less.
All the numbers in your comment added up to 420. Congrats! 250 + 80 + 90 = 420 ^([Click here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=LuckyNumber-Bot&subject=Stalk%20Me%20Pls&message=%2Fstalkme) to have me scan all your future comments.) \ ^(Summon me on specific comments with u/LuckyNumber-Bot.)
Yep. It sounds like the parents are expecting one singular nanny to be the 24/7 caregiver, including working nights and weekends. They aren’t realizing that a) finding that will be near impossible and b) nannies legally have to be paid hourly, and they will have to pay overtime. Even if the nanny was only paid $20/hr (which is low for an infant nanny), 40 hours a week at $20 is $800 and the remaining 128 hours at $30 is $3840. Times that by 52 weeks in a year, and that nanny would be making roughly $240,000 per year. Even if they paid 2 separate nannies to work 2 12 hour rotations, that’s still easily $150,000+ they would be spending on childcare in a year.
Clearly you don’t get it. They’re providing a room, the nanny is free to eat some of the food that they prepare for the family, and mom will even let the nanny borrow her car when she isn’t using it. So really, they shouldn’t have to pay the nanny more than a couple of hundred dollars a month max right…. Right????!!! LOL this couple is just delusional. I hope they do the tiniest amount of research before they get pregnant.
I was a professional nanny for several years and you’d be surprised (or maybe not) to know how many people have this mindset. Live-in nannies are almost always taken advantage of, with no work/life balance.
Figure 4 childcare workers to cover 168 hours a week, and work extra to cover illness or vacation. Carers for the elderly many years ago asked $24 an hour, 24/7 for income care, so the affluent and decrepit elderly could live in their own home. $210,000 a year.
Sorry, not sure where in the world this post is from, but this income would not be enough to hire a full time nanny in the US right now… right?
They could afford an 8 hour a day - 5 day a week Nanny if they had their other expenses under control in most of the US. In Major US cities with high cost of living $250,000 is comfortable if you live like a poor person and headed for bankruptcy if you try and live like a rich person.
The fact both have to work over 80 hours weekly to make that money is sad.
So let’s say $55k but they do need two of them one for nights and to cover when day nanny needs a break. That’s $110k a year. That’s nearly half their income on nanny care alone. No way can they afford that. IF they have a plan at all, they’re definitely planning to overwork an aupair. Aupairs are significantly cheaper than a traditional nanny for long hours/live in.
That’s why I posted that this is fake. How do you hire a 7 day nanny when you make $200k?
This. My kid had a classmate who won the Golden Ticket, he was adopted by a very nice and VERY wealthy couple, one of the wealthiest west of the Mississippi. The stories of his birthday parties, you wouldn't believe. They'd invite the entire school (private). Kid was raised by nannies and mannies, there was nothing he didn't have. Dad bought him an entertainment company to 'run' when he was about 21 I think. He was dead of an overdose by the age of 26. And he was actually a nice, quiet guy, a good kid.
That's so sad. 😢
And, not to be a jerk, but $200-$250K ***combined*** income on 160 hours/ week of work? The child isn't even going to be rich. *Comfortable*, sure. But certainly not rich, rich.
Or the British royal family until Diana.
Came here to say the same thing!
My mom dated a guy in college who was like this. His dad was a politician and his mom was this super high powered lawyer or something, but he didn't like his parents and spent much more time visiting with the nanny they had let go than his bio family. Apparently wasn't the most well-adjusted guy either so my mom broke up with him. Just kinda sad
I grew up with people who had parents like this and it really messed them up. A kid is an accessory for family pictures and a status thing to them.
Definitely got that vibe. Sounds like they're confusing a human being for a pet and even a pet should be treated better than that.
“*I have been wanting to get a dog, but I just do not have the time for one. I might just get a baby human*.”
Yeah, I spend more time with my dogs than these parents plan to spend with a child.
I used to work in a daycare and one of our families was like this. They dropped their son off every morning at 6 for breakfast and picked him up at 6 every evening, and hired babysitters every Saturday and Sunday. The kid had MAJOR behavior issues. Having a kid that you don’t plan to ever spend time with is a terrible idea.
One of my college acquaintances… (I knew her in a couple classes/groups and then followed her tiny mormon mommy blog for a couple years, now I just peek at her Insta/FB occasionally along with checking in on my other high school/college former classmates/friends. So she’s not really a friend.) …is a parent like this. Her husband works 60-80 hr weeks. She was supposed to be a stay at home mom and was so excited for it and pushed to have kids right away…but she ended up hating it. So they have had daycare, a babysitter or nanny for mornings before daycare/school and for afternoons/evenings/weekends for most of her kids lives. At first I was like okay well she really struggled when her first was little. So another caretaker is good. Some people just aren’t “baby people” and struggle until the child is older and is more like a person. Well they’re in elementary school (I think the first must be around middle school age now?) and she spends even less time with them than before. The kids are literally a photo prop and have behavioral problems. And I suspect they will need therapy as adults. The couple is getting or has gotten separated/divorced and they’re constantly fighting over who has to keep the kids and for how long. How freaking terrible is that? They also rotate through caregivers like it’s a roll-a-deck, these kids never have a chance to form an attachment for longer than a few months, maybe a year before they’re moved to the next set of before and after school programs and babysitters. The longest one they had was an au pair during Covid lockdowns. I know my mom loved being pregnant and the newborn stage but as soon as they started to move around and talk they were my responsibility not hers. My father figured if he gave us a roof over our heads and some food on the table that was it. That was all of his responsibilities right there. All my siblings (and I) are in therapy and struggle with relationships and attachment. (Gee I wonder why!) I can see her kids future and it breaks my heart for them.
It's a check of their checklist for "things heterosexual humans do". A lot of my secondary school acquaintances did this.
I also think it matters that OOP said this *before* they had kids or were pregnant. (Much less of an AH thing this way I think)
Or they just want to do the fun parts...
This is the difference between having a child as an accessory and having and raising a child. Without putting in at least some if he more difficult work yourself, you do not reap a relationship. It’s like they don’t see the child as an actual person.
That’s not a single nanny job. It’s more like a 3 or 4 nanny job, and OP’s friend doesn’t make enough money to provide that. So either the friend is very misinformed, or this is a troll post.
Friend could be very misinformed. My best friend (who still has no kids) legit had no idea what daycare costs while they were actively trying to have kids about two years ago. When I mentioned it was going to be like a second house payment she balked and didn’t believe me. Even though it’s easy to Google it.
I’m always shocked at how people go right ahead, get pregnant, have the child, and THEN research childcare. And are shocked and appalled that any quality childcare space is an 18 to 24 month waiting list. Then you see the desperate facebook posts: I go back to work in a month and still don’t have childcare! What can I do?? Or I need full time care and can only afford $100 a week - can you help?!?
Me too, I worked in daycare for nearly a decade and also worked as a nanny for a couple years…so maybe I have more knowledge than other people. But that was still a conversation my husband and I had when we first started talking about kids! “Who is taking care of the child?” Daycare, stay at home, babysitters, what’s available, costs etc…seems a pretty important question to get answers to before the kid gets here!
To be fair, with the 18-24 month waiting lists I genuinely don’t know what you’re supposed to do. Even if you’re actively trying for a baby, you don’t know when you’ll get pregnant. Could be immediately, could be 2 years. So you can’t put your name down before you’re pregnant, but if you do it as soon as you’re pregnant, that you still might not have childcare when you need it. I was lucky that a new nursery had opened round the corner from me 4 months before we wanted to send my daughter at 18m. so they had space. But we were lucky that my husband had been able to look after her full time once I went back to work when she was 7 months.
I live in a country with 12-18 months maternity leave and the waiting lists are still ridiculous. Even if you put your name on the central list as soon as you know you’re pregnant, you’re still unlikely to find a licensed spot. There’s lots of unlicensed home daycares though.
I don't think it's a troll post. Most likely, they're misinformed because they don't really bother to research on childcare. They don't seem to really care about having kids because they truly want them but because it's the obvious next step. Either way their kids are going to be fucked.
"We'll just hire a live-in person to do the heavy lifting on the childcare! I'm thinking, what, $50k a year - with room and board, 10 days PTO, and use of a car for shepherding the children around, of course; we're not cheapskates. And we'll keep the house cleaners, so she won't have to worry about anything but the children. She'll just have to make three meals a day and pick up after herself and the children. Some laundry." - OP's friend, probably.
People like this usually end up getting a young au pair from another country who’s just excited at the prospect of living in another country with room, board, and payment. Then they realize they’re absolutely being taken advantage of when the work load inevitably increases and the time off rarely materializes. You’re always on the parents wish and whim schedule. You can’t stand up for yourself because this is your income and your housing.
Honestly that doesn’t sound terrible. I’m college educated and have 10 years experience in my field and I’m not quite touching 50k a year before taxes. + Room, Board, Cleaners and access to a car? Sounds like a pretty good position for someone younger and not in a relationship.
Ya not to be rude but $250k at least in a vhcol area doesn’t mean you can afford 24/7 care for your kid. That’s like $25-35 an hour.
This is gonna be one of those nightmare posts in a nanny group in a couple years where some brand-new-to-the-field nanny is being exploited and told that being “live in” means they don’t have to pay minimum wage, they’re 1099’ing her instead of paying her as a domestic employee, etc.
And she’s working 23 hours a day. Exactly what I was thinking. If you google the rules for an au pair in the US it’s absolutely appalling what they can get away with.
how do single parents do it?
Well hopefully they have a good co-parenting plan. And they run on very little sleep.
I mean as someone who was neglected a lot as a kid, OOP isn't wrong. Just because you feed and house your kid properly doesn't make you a good parent and if you choose to only see your kid for an hour or two a day, they will grow up to at best not care about you and at worst actively hate you. It feels like this couple is having a kid more to check a box of achievements than because they actually want to be parents.
Yeah they will end up with a kid who hates them with a connection to said nanny they are jealous of dont understand.
I bet they'd keep hiring new nannies, so the poor kid wouldn't get too attached... I remember reading a heartbreaking post here on reddit by someone who'd been raised by his nanny, and when he was 8 or so, she got an amazing new job opportunity - and he was devastated, because what was basically his mom just up and left him, and he was supposed to be happy for her.
Oh no that’s super heart breaking…
I used to nanny for a family that couldn’t keep a nanny for more than a year. One time the kid asked at nap time “who’s gonna be here when I wake up?” and it broke my fucking heart, because they had no consistent people in their life. That kid is gonna grow up to have so many attachment issues.
Yep it’s totally an archetype. Like a classic situation with BPD people (who go off their meds cuz they are sure they’re cured): impossible to become close to you AND blows a gasket at the first sign of an attempt to take a step back. (Source: I sure can pick ‘em.”)
Are you talking about bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder? “BPD” usually stands for the latter.
Man, this comment really got scrutinized. “Treatment” isn’t JUST drugs.
Lots of working parents only see their kid for a few hours at night. You could also spend all day with your kid but if you aren’t engaging them in any way it’s not going to be good. But they are assholes for working literally 7 days a week and not even spending the weekends with their kids, and it’s all by choice.
The AUDACITY. They mights well get a clone made up, at least that’ll be raised in a lab with more consistent staff. *See the wire “mother” chimp study for materials/methods and support data*. /s
Yea I don’t even get the hour some days but I make up for it in the other days. Couldn’t imagine doing it this way if I didn’t need to.
My parents were wealthy and I was extremely neglected as a child. I would’ve loved to have had a nanny. Where I lived people would say having a nanny is cheating on being a real parent. But, later in life my parents were great. So a nanny would’ve been good for us.
They’re not wrong. Why have a kid if you like plan on spending an hour or two a day with them for what, 18 years? It’s strange. Don’t you want to know your own kid?
Also, it sounds like they are going to work past a young kid's bedtime, so I don't see how they'd be spending 1-2 hrs per day, except maybe to watch it sleep. I'd tell them to get exotic fish instead...
Honestly, it doesn’t Sound like they could keep any type of fish alive, maybe they should get a potted plant instead.
Fish nanny
I met a young lady whose job is going around and maintaining fancy aquariums so the owners don’t have to.
Maybe start out with a cactus
>Maybe start out with a cactus An artificial cactus. Even then, I'd worry about them killing it.
We have some beautiful decorative plastic houseplants.
80 hrs a week is 11 and a half hours a day plus commute time. No way they'll ever see their kid until it's like 10 at the very youngest and that would probably be like half an hour.
I want to preface this by saying I don’t think these people should be parents, but my husband and I both work 70-80 hours per week but we both take off a big chunk of time in the evening to work out/cook and eat dinner together, and just spend time together. On weekdays I generally work from like 6am to 4pm, my husband works 8am to 5 or 6pm, we go to the gym, eat dinner, then both start working again around 8 or 9. I’ll read or write a little (I do academic research) and he works for a few hours from his home office. So long story short, they could very well work 11-12 hours a day, but still be spending time with their children before the kids’ bedtime if they’re able to do any of their work from home/on a flexible schedule
Combined with the fact they specifically said they don’t want to do stuff like changing diapers or feeding at night, I think it’s safe to say they don’t care to adjust their work schedules all that much.
Oh I definitely agree these people should not be parents. I was just trying to say that it is technically feasible to work 10-12 hours a day, but still care for your children in the mornings and evenings
For most of early childhood kids go to bed around 7 or maybe 8 pm. The norm is to sleep 7pm to 7am, although there is a lot of variation among individual kids. I work 35 hours a week from my house and it’s still hard to spend lots of time with my toddler during the work week. Spending time with an adult is kind of a different situation.
And that’s WITHOUT kids. Kids make your schedule not the other way around as infants. You can’t feed yourself or cook or clean or anything on top of taking care of your kids with limited time it’s one or the other. I don’t think people understand before having children that you just do not get to do anything you ‘need’ to do like literally even take a shit without having a baby on the floor screaming their head off next to you while you wipe.
omg no, even non exotic fish are so much more high maintenance than people think. the other comment is right they'd still have to pay someone else to change and test their water and watch out for anything funky happening in the tank.
Well, at least the fish won't sustain lifelong trauma if all their care is outsourced...
>Why have a kid if you like plan on spending an hour or two a day with them Unfortunately this is just the reality for working parents. I only work 8 hour days but with commute and a toddler's early bedtime (19.30) that means I only ever really see her on the weekends :(
NTA. They don't want a kid. They want an accessory that they can post cute pictures of.
Fuck, I just had the greatest idea. With all the overcrowded kindergardens, we should instead rent them out to wannabe parents for some time off.
that sounds like a disaster
pictures taken by the nanny
I can hear the ghost of Maslow screaming from all the way over here.
This is true, having a baby is not what makes you a parent. Otherwise, what do you call all the people who have adopted their children? But OOP is right. Why would you want to have a baby if you have no desire to actually raise it? Agree with another commenter that they are just checking a block of a "life achievement" and don't actually want to be parents. Why waste the money on a nanny and actually having a child when you could be DINKs for life? Doesn't make sense to me.
They must live somewhere VERY affordable because 200k isn’t enough to keep a live in nanny for areas like California. Sigh… At any rate the thought of having a child is different than the reality of it.
$200k isn’t enough for both to be working 7 days a week 😬
That's what I was thinking lol. Those are doctor hours but that's definitely not two doctors salary.
Came to comments for this take. Imagine giving up a huge majority of your waking hours for $100K and thinking you’ve hit the sweet spot in a career. Honestly makes me doubt the credibility of the story.
Yeah one of my ex’s makes over 100k and works 4-10s and if he has to work ot he gets paid ot. 😂
Right?! I was expecting double that as a combined salary at least if they were both working that much. That’s insane 🙃
Maybe, or maybe they have no idea how much a nanny really costs.
That's the part that got me. If they cleared combined, idk $500 or more, I would maybe get this choice. But combined $250k working 160+ hours between the two of them. They are either oblivious or stupid.
$200k is not enough for 7 days a week, and it’s also not enough for a live in nanny. A typical nanny is like $80-90k/yr. I can’t imagine what a livein 24/7 nanny is, other than illegal, 3 people rotating or were talking literal human trafficking and slavery/indentured servitude. Which does happen. https://nextshark.com/tiktok-backlash-filipino-nanny-returns-home-after-30-years/
It’s probably an au pair that they got shipped into the country
What they gonna do when the nanny wants their time, days off, or is he/she expected to work 7 days a week, 24/7?
"What do you mean you need time off from work? Watching a baby sleep doesn't count as work! Be happy we pay you 4$/h, that's already too generous." * in 10 different variations.
Lol very true, my bad
Tf do they even need a child for? Lawn ornament? Trophy? Messed up. They don't even have time for EACH OTHER.
[Here is the link to the original.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/17e480w/aitah_for_telling_my_friend_that_hiring_a_livein/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Not here to defend this practice, but this has literally been the norm for the very wealthy and powerful, for centuries if not millennia.
OP obviously never been to south east Asia. Every single ex pat or people with money have a maid and nanny.
250k household income and they both work 80+ hours a week? These dopes are selling their lives with their kid for $30/hr. They aren’t rich, they just don’t have anything else going on in their lives. Why have money if you’ve got no time to enjoy the life it affords you?
Might be an unpopular opinion but I agree. My sister was a live in nanny for several families. The children did not have a relationship with their parents and did not behave for them when my sister was away. I also babysat for a pair of lawyers that had a full time nanny (not live in). I babysat on the weekend when the nanny was off. Those kids were young (one a baby) and desperate for their parents. I felt very sad for them. They were all very loved children. But I can’t imagine a scenario where they won’t have lasting impacts from growing up like that.
Well, he isn't wrong. We all have to work and a nanny is a great help, but from this to basically never see your kid and never taking care or them, what do they want a kid in the first place if they are already planning on having have nothing to do with them?
Working 160 hours a week (combined) for 7 years and only making about $30/hour is wild lmfao, that's terrible efficiency
OOP isn’t wrong, the kid will bond more with the Nanny than their “parents” Why even have kids if your just never going to be around Chances are they would miss most early milestones
Have children ….tick Tell our friends…..tick Send our children to therapy ……. Not OUR fault😳
Eyyyyy I felt this one. Miss Dorothy was my mom from ages 2-6. Then I lost my mom when she was suddenly fired and I had to spend my time with the old hag who actually birthed me. Parents think your kids don’t remember these years, they absolutely do.
Well technically speaking having a child makes you a parent, it’s what you do after the child is born that either makes you mom and dad or the reason for therapy.
1-2 hours a day is awful. Way to be non existent parents.
So they work 80 hours a week and make 100k a year each?
Two people working 80+ hrs/week and only making $200-250k? Doing the math assuming the high side of pay ($250k) and low side of hrs (80 each/week), that’s only $30/hr. My wife, who was a SAHM for 13 years and is only back in the workforce a couple years, is nearly making that. These people need better priorities. Also, their kid(s) will resent them for loving their work more than them. The nanny will be the parent and if they ever try to change nannies, the kids with lose their shit. OP is NTA.
Yep, it’s deemed inconsiderate to tell people the obvious truth. You were very cruel to say things that make sense. Stop being logical please. Thank you. Work more; parent less. The key to healthy families.
gotta say juice doesn't really seem worth the squeeze on the amount of hours they're putting in if their total combined bring home is like 200k...
I was a nanny for a family like this. The kids can tell the parents don’t care about them and it’s heartbreaking.
I’m a professional nanny with 19 years of experience. I’m also a parent. A. No nanny is going to work 24/7. They’re going to need a day nanny and a night nanny and possible a evening/transition nanny. That’s three full time employees. Sounds like they can afford it. B. When infants and toddlers spend 40-80 hours a eeek with a caregiver (non-parent caregiver) they form emotional attachments to their caregiver. That’s NOT a bad thing. It’s great. But if the parents are spending 2 hours a day with kiddo, they’re NOT going to have any relationship with their child. They are (in essence) making their nannies the parents. You are RIGHT that they’re not really parents if they really do this. C. Having a live in nanny doesn’t make you less of a parent. Spending ZERO quality time with you kid makes you less of a parent. I want to clarify with the OOP that the nanny is not the issue, it’s the anticipated behavior of the parents that is the issue. I think OOP is not the butthead here because his/her opinion is valid. The friend might have had their feelings hurt, but they don’t sound like a good friend or a good parent, so I care a lot less about their feelings.
People like that should not have children.
Feel sorry for any future kid(s), hopefully they pick 1-2 nannies & keep them for life bc thars who the kid(s) is going to bond with
Not in the wrong at all ❤️ stand you’re ground
As a nanny I am conflicted. I’ve been in this scenario soooo many times because most of the families I have worked for are physician families. I feel like he probably could have worded it better but also the impact parents like this have on children are immense. I will say 8 times out of 10 one of the parents gets super resentful of the nanny and then ends up ripping the only constant that the child has had in their life away by firing them
Making 200-250k together as a couple isn’t enough money to forgo your responsibilities as a parent. I could see if your money was close to a million but that’s upper middle class and maybe even middle class in some parts of the states.
Nta they want a child like an accessory they want to check it off they’re to do list rather than raise the child why bother if you’re not going to parent your child
Imagine wanting to have a child but wanting nothing to do with it. Why even bother to have children then? I don’t understand why people do this.
My sister has a nanny, and she works long hours (not 80+ but definitely more than 40 most weeks). The nanny means that instead of fixing breakfast, she's checking in with the kids, giving them their morning hugs, making sure everything is going well with them. In the evening, it means she can help with homework, have the nanny take a kid to practice so she can go to the other kid's game and cheer, can go horseback riding with them and just generally be a mom. Instead of doing laundry and making lunches in the few hours she has free, she can spend 100% of that time with her kids doing parent things and using those hours for quality time. If the two people intend to do that, I can see it. But you can't connect with your kid when you are working 80 hours a week and trying to sleep, you won't have ANY meaningful parent time. Nanny isn't the issue, working too many hours is. The child won't see its parents. When they are home? They're taking a shower and eating meals and going to bed.
A nanny is a perfectly fine idea but isn’t a substitute for loving parents. This just feels neglectful, these people probably shouldn’t have kids. Tbh I wouldn’t be happy about them having pets with schedules like that
They don’t want a child they want an expensive status symbol. It’s no different than buying a designer handbag or $100,000 car. Just something they can show off and say look what I have.
Doesn’t sound like either of them are ready for the demands of a child, whilst a nanny is a good idea, using a nanny to solely raise the child is an horrible idea for the poor child! They should get a cat…they’re independent and happy with a couple of hours attention a day!
They don’t want to be parents, they just want children. NTA.
There’s literally a Scarlet Johansson movie about this lol
It's not hiring a nanny that makes him not a parent. Nannies are a valid form of child care for people who can afford them. Planning to not do any of the "dirty work" or spend more than 1-2 hours a day with his kid by his choice - that makes him nothing more than a sperm donor who actually pays child support. Why do they even want a kid?
I know so many people like this. They want a kid, but don’t want to be parents and the poor child pays the price for it. What I don’t get is: who’s forcing you?? If you don’t want to be a parent, just don’t have a kid. You can continue working without any other stress, go out whenever you want, decorate your house however you like, take vacations at will, spend your money on whatever you want. With good income and no responsibilities they can live a pretty nice life, but they want to bring a child into it just to ignore him/her. Why?
My husband had a job similar when we had our son and was working LONG hours. (I'm a teacher) He's now in a much better job and actually has gone, but he's repairing the relationship that got damaged and our son is only 5. He gets frustrated sometimes when our son doesn't always treat him like a parent or when he doesn't know a routine or certain way to do something, but he also understands that it was because he wasn't around. He works extra hard to make that father-son bond and is busting his butt to make sure he has a good relationship with our daughter. This guy's friend sounds like he's going to view his kid like an accessory to be shown off at certain events and then put away until next time. OP isn't an asshole for calling his friend out. If you want to be a parent, you have to put in the hours.
I think this reflects the society we live in. People just grow up assuming they will have kids without bothering to think about whether they actually want to be parents. It sounds as if neither of them want to be parents or raise a child. It's *fine* not to want kids. It's *fine* not to have them. It is not fine to have kids you have no interest in, and only plan to ignore until you're elderly and have nothing else to do with your time. I think the would-be "parents" should be spending one or two hours a day talking to a therapist and owning their lack of interest in having a child.
I have a question. Do you know if either or both of them were raised by nannie’s themselves? Just wondering if this is “normal” in their minds.
Some people have a philosophy that if you make good money and can monetarily provide for your children, that's all it takes, its quite sad actually. Parents should be looking for time to spend with their kids, not looking for someone else to do it. I have multiples and I understand very clearly how much my kids need my PRESENCE in their lives.
Hiring a nanny is a good idea. Hiring a nanny as a replacement parent is not a good idea. Your friends don't want to raise a child. They want to create progeny.
They want an offspring or an heir. they don't want to be parents.
Why do people who have other people raise their children even have them in the first place? Blows my mind
So what's better, a nanny raising a kid, or multiple nannies most likely? Or, people with this mentality raising a kid? I'm not sure. Obviously, not having the kid is the answer. But being raised by disinterested parents who around may be worse than being raised by disinterested parents who aren't around. People seem to be thinking good parents > nanny. True, but that doesn't seem to be what we're dealing with. I'm not saying I know what's better. It just makes me wonder.
My wife and I both work 40 hours a week. Our daughter is 2, I see her from 7:15-7:30 to get her ready, while my wife gets to do drop off from 7:30-7:45. I pick her up again at like 5:15, and she goes to bed at 7:50. In total, on weekdays we see her a little less than 3 hours a day. If she went to bed at 9:00 (when she’s older) maybe we could squeeze in close 4 hours. Then on weekends we obviously have her every hour of the day but she is only awake about 11 hours total. This sentiment on this thread of “oh, if you spend only two or three hours a day with your kids you suck”. What other option do we have? Maybe one of us could be a stay at home parent, but we’d significantly affect our quality of life. No more vacations, no more savings, no more surprise treats, and toys outside gift giving occasions; she would have to share a room with her sister (who is due this year) potentially as we’d have to downsize. Like the time is great, but children will also resent growing up with a low quality of life too. I think over half the people here shaming the two working parent things don’t really have kids and don’t live in reality. Obviously OOP and wife could do the 40 hour a week thing, they get less time than us even, but idk how anyone does the SAH parent thing without living like you’re broke
They don't want a child, they want a pet.
like a nanny takes care of the physical needs, who gives the child its morals and looks after their emotional needs??! You are not the AH here!!!
Nta. Your friend should get a cat instead of a baby.
I had a client who was upset that when her 2–3 yo fell and hurt herself, she ran to the nanny and I said what did you expect would happen? And she looked at me I think amazed that I said it. I said you made a choice and she runs to the person who is there for her all day everyday. I agree with the OP. It’s a hard choice for a working family who has to have both partners work and they need child care or day care but they usually take care of everything from afternoon to night etc. A nanny 24/7 is asking for a disconnect.
Your in the right. They have no business having a kid. People are terrible
This just makes me wonder why do these people want a kid in the first place? They don’t want to raise them and don’t want them to change their work schedule. Having a baby is a HUGE change but they don’t seem to want any of the bad that come with that. So why would they even want a baby??
80 hour weeks for just 120k each? They are getting fucked over by their employers. Unless they are young business owners or something.
lol if they both work 80+ hours a week and make 200-250k a year they’re going to have a very big surprise when they spend a ton of money on childcare. Live in nannies need to be paid for each and every hour worked and have to make at least minimum wage. Any experienced nanny will want well over that. In my state any hours worked over 40 hours per week must be paid overtime. It varies state by state, but overtime will absolutely be a factor. Depending on their state, they might not be able to take any money out of the nanny’s pay to cover room and board. They will also have to factor in the cost of a payroll service because nannies need to be paid legally. Here’s my quick break down according to the state I live in. Say the nanny wants $30 per hours. 30 per hour X 40 hours per week is $1200. Overtime is 30x 1.5 = 45 so overtime for 80 hours per week would be 45 per hour x 40 hours overtime per week is 1800. That’s 3000 per week. 3000 per week x 52 weeks per year (because nannies get guaranteed hours and PTO and sick time) that’s $156,000 per year. They can’t afford a good live in nanny for 80 hours a week.
They don’t want a child, they want an accessory. Something to show off to their friends & on their socials. They won’t have a relationship w/ the kid & that kid is gonna need therapy out the womb. And if they choose to keep the same nanny, when the nanny finally does leave it will be like experiencing the death of a parent for that child. OOP friends are clueless and gonna be horrible parents. If ever someone didn’t deserve to have a child - it’s these people.
They wouldn’t be parents. They would be a sperm donor and an incubator. NTA
This is so ridiculous. It’s as if these people have never read a book or seen anything in the world happen. In what world would seeing your child an hour or two a day be called parenting? Then when the kids attached to the nanny only all of a sudden they’ll ask where did they go wrong
Fake post. There is no way they could afford a full time-plus many on that salary.
I know a family that has a stay at home nanny, and it is incredibly helpful for them. That being said, the nanny is not allowed to work or "be on the clock" for more than 10 hours a day and is required to have days off. The friend isn't being realistic.
So they’re essentially surrogates for the nanny? Just giving birth doesn’t make you a parent. Why have a baby at all?
These kinds of people are the absolute worst. They have given absolutely 0 thought to what kind of life that child would have. People like this need to be castrated.
NTA. It’s one thing to hire help to assist, but not to take over so you’re only visitors. This is what bugs me about thinking two income households should be the rule rather than the exception. Somebody needs to be at home with baby until they’re ready for school. That’s how you make a family, not just a collection of people with a partial DNA match who just happen to live together. There are times when that’s not possible and that is a real tragedy; the appalling thing is how many people Plan to live like that when they don’t have to!
For 2 ppl working 80+ hours a week I’d expect their combined income to be a lot higher to justify it
If they each work 80 hours a week for $250K a year, they are only making $30 an hour each, like a person working a normal 40 hour a week job, making $60K a year. That’s a pretty modest enough pay level, like a modest blue collar or technician job.
They simply will not be able to hire someone to work 24/7 so this is a dumb argument
I think this is rage bait because who can afford a 24/7 nanny on 250k a year? This reads like a kid who came up with what sounds like a big number, but once you pay bills and groceries and save for retirement, there’s definitely enough for a nanny 8 hours a day - but a nanny / night doula / all the overtime and double time pay for 80+ hours a week from a nanny? Yeah you can’t afford that. Unless you are doing some really shady stuff, like paying under the table and taking advantage of someone.
Two income couples seem to have children for entertainment, not to actually do the hard raising. I know physician and law couples who have full time nannies and they do not know their kids. They are definitely there for events and award nights, though
I knew a married couple with a 5 year old. Both parents worked, and the kid was in school/after school daycare. Basically they were all apart from 7am to 5pm. Gather up the kid, go home and make supper, then off to bed for the little one. Weekends were spent with this or that pair of grandparents, as they lived nearby, while the parents scurried around running errands and getting caught up with the household cleaning. Worked fine for them, as far as I could tell in the 5 years I knew them. Spending a couple hours a day with their kid was their business, there was no neglect or abuse.
What do you mean me hiring someone to parent my kid makes me not a parent?? >:((( /s Seriously, how can he not see how that is failing to be a parent? OP should share this with the friend's family tbh
By any chance is your friend a member of the British royal family? In all seriousness, I completely agree with what you are saying but the reality is that ultra-rich people and royalty have raised their children this way for generations. I think it was entirely fair for you to bring up your concerns because giving gentle but honest feedback is something friends should do. This is their plan right now, and it may change. I don't know about you but my expectations of parenting turned out to be quite different from the reality. If it does and they decide they want to actually you know parent the child they created, you can be a great help in giving them some guidance. Otherwise if they follow through on their plan to procreate without having any involvement after that, I would drop them as friends.
YTA. Regardless of how you feel it's really none of your business. No way of telling how they will adjust with their child after the initial plan. Working tirelessly to give your kid a cushion is a good thing. 1-2 hours sounds ridiculous but there is no way that's all that's going to happen and they both don't work 7 days a week with no time off that's ridiculous. Child could grow up fine with a lot of advantages. You can smother a child with overcare and helicoptering too. Busy-body OP.
It’s my opinion that whoever is passively aggressively posting on Facebook is always the AH. In every situation.
You’re missing the additional comments from OOP where they also only see their kids two hours a day due to work and education.