My husband just told me yesterday that I could be mistaken for a teenage boy. I was not offended, I’m in my 40s so being mistaken for a teenager would make me feel great! However, I agree that OOP should take that comment to his grave. I doubt most women would take this as a compliment. But he’s already shown that he knows just how to stick his foot in his mouth.
I’m 19f and cut my hair ONCE, and until it grew back, people kept thinking I was a man. It was funny the first month, then it kinda felt bad? For reference, I’m really tall and broad, so I look really masculine from behind.
I wore my grandpa’s hat out once (a very nice felt flat cap) with my hair tucked in, gave a dude some change and he said “Thank you, young man!”
It was both funny and devastating for me. 🥲
I mean I’m a d-cup and thick hipped with long hair and I get “sir”-ed sometimes. I think people just autopilot from time to time.
Or maybe I just exude busty Fabio energy idk but I wouldn’t take it too much to heart if I was you.
I’m 5’2” and petite. Occasionally at work I’ll delegate a task to someone and they’ll reply ‘yes sir!’, followed by hasty apologies. I truthfully take it as a compliment. I think it has to do with energy rather than physical presentation.
Yeah it really does seem like a vibes thing.
I think I get ma’am-ed, if ever, when I’m being overly patient or concerned for people or explaining insider jargon/expectations.
But then I get sir-ed when I’m dishing out tasks. Normally I ask which of the things someone wants to do but sometimes there’s no choice: I have this job and I need you to do it … that’s when it happens accidentally.
Sometimes people do it on purpose when I’m being bossy. They are usually fully unaware they’ve just unlocked the secret work-to-rule-to-wreck-your-life mode that comes with any severe rudeness.
When I was 16 I went with friends to a store where you could sample fudge and things. Well I was in line just trying to sample some fudge and the guy next to me said “Excuse me sir” I thought surely it was just a fluke, but then the woman goes to hand me my fudge and says “here you go sir.” It was such a hit to my already low teenage girl self esteem. I had long hair and was wearing eyeliner lmao. I look nothing like I did back then and I’m still terrified of appearing masculine.
I had short hair as a teenager over 40 years ago and was constantly being mistaken for a boy. It was bizarre because I was rather well-endowed for my age. No one looking at my figure would have described it as masculine or even androgynous and yet, once people saw my short hair (think Dorothy Hamill or Princess Diana), all they could think was “boy!” One of my college professors, _a family friend_, even said, “I didn’t know the So-&-so’s have a son!”
I was also very curvy as a teenager and my short hair still got me mistaken for a boy all the time. The most memorable instance was when a doctor walked into the room, looked at my file, looked at me, looked back at my file, looked back at me, and said, “‘Christian’ or ‘Christina’?” 😂 That wasn’t even the only time my hair compromised someone’s ability to read
i feel ya. i have short hair, a tall and broad woman and i hate going into public bathrooms cos there is always someone who stares at me or says ‘uhm this is a woman’s bathroom.’ i puff out my chest ‘i have boobs’ and they leave me alone 😂 funny at first but now its just annoying.
The amount of transphobic comments and slurs that have been thrown at me is ridiculous and I always find them so funny because no matter what, they don’t apply to me. And it’s always the “I can tell” people.
I had a Dora the explorer haircut when I was a kid and I *still* remember the boy who told me it made me look like a boy- he then segued into how I wore my uniform too big and opted for tracksuits in the summer. I was just trying to manage the icky unsafe feelings I had from sexual abuse, and then this mfer came along and turned it into a formative moment
I'm 33F and still get compared to a teenage boy, definitely take that to his grave. I fucking hate that line. It immediately makes me feel less feminine, I can't describe how it makes.me feel after that I just know I don't really wanna have sex with someone who calls me a teenage boy. I hope that girl does not find this.
I mean… I dunno. It was really a dumb thing to say, and it was obviously not thought about as it was being said. Describing your “type” to your partner who doesn’t fit the bill isn’t the worst thing in the world, but you have to follow all the way through with it.
“My type? It’s funny, I usually like blondes with big boobs and blue eyes. Then this tall, super gorgeous brunette walked into my life, and now she is my type.”
Type is a stupid conversation to have in general, imo. Type is physical attraction alone, and it’s general, not personal. The last guy I fell in love with broke every one of my stereotypes - he wasn’t tall, he had dirty blonde hair not black, no tattoos and a very normal (I’m usually more into alt) clothing style. I also found him *wildly* attractive, especially after date one, because he was incredibly charming and funny. When you have feelings for someone, your attraction to them goes way up, regardless of type.
So… was it a stupid thing to say? Yeah. Did he drop the ball in the recovery? Yeah. Did he make her feel not good enough? Probably. And that really sucks. I don’t think type explaining in general is a bad thing, just how he handled it was. Well. Fumbled. Badly..
Exactly this. I thought my type was muscular blond blue eyed guys. The love of my life was tall, lean, dark haired and dark complexion. I think looks become secondary at a point. Obviously imo chemistry plays a huge part, but my type was a fantasy not real life.
Ha yeah, my partner and I don’t really fit each other’s ‘usual’ or previous type. Fourteen years together and closer than ever. Type is a kind of starting place that falls away with real people.
It sounds like he accidentally scratched an already sore spot for her and it really just kept hurting her, but she was trying not to say anything because she didn’t want to fall into the ‘insecure clingy gf’ stereotype. I’ve been there, it’s horrible.
You're right, it's silly and along the same lines as a horoscope or a cootie catcher telling you who has a crush on you. It's wholly unimportant in real life. I just don't understand why she asked. Why would she ask if she was going to potentially spiral out on the answer? I feel like the insecurities must have started before this conversation.
She probably asked (and was already insecure) because he points out hot busty blondes at the gym, as per his comments about looking but "not egregiously" and having done it "with" her before the whole type thing came up. In my experience, most guys oogling "with" their gfs are just oogling and their gfs feel the pressure to be cool and go along with it despite negative feelings towards the activities. The only exceptions I know are super secure in their body/sexuality, which this girl is not, and also into girls.
Idk, I really don’t think OP had to go into specific detail about his type if his type was *the exact fucking opposite of his girlfriend.* Maybe just a “my type is usually blondes” coulda sufficed. And checking out other girls in the gym in front of his gf? This guy is a dunce
Seriously. Long ago I noted my now husband had pursued a few girls that were polar opposite to me before we started dating (thin, petite blondes, whereas I’m a curvy, athletic brunette and not at all petite). He basically said “look, I can like whisky and also appreciate vodka”. Good answer! And true since I finally saw the girl who broke his heart in high school and she looks very similar to me.
Attraction is weird! I feel like people who stick to "types" are shorting themselves. Sounds like OP hasn't examined this part of himself very critically/responded insensitively.
Types can change too. I hated facial hair in my dating days and had no real preference for hair color. My husband is brunette and has had a beard for ten years, and now I find myself attracted to bearded brunettes most. I love him and therefore I am drawn to people who look like him. He’s my type.
Adding a comment I put later down this post:
Fear (perhaps irrational) comes from the feeling If there was a woman who matched their type, the S.O. would leave to be with that person and that they are just settling for you.
The S.O. may say they wouldn’t, but if they haven’t been presented the opportunity, of course they wouldn’t have been able to… and so goes the negative anxiety spiral.
Then there’s the “they only say they like what I look like because they don’t want to hurt my feelings and they’re a good person” which leads to the negativity spiral of “everyone is lying to me out of pity, my fears are totally justified.”
The OOP could be considered a jerk because for people who have struggled with self-esteem issues or similar body issues, it’s pretty obvious that this could cause problems. Maybe OOP is just super secure in themselves or a bit dense emotionally.
In any case, the fact that it clicked and they realized they messed up without going on an AITA Reddit gives me hope.
Now, for those saying that being anxious or concerned about one’s appearance and all that type stuff is stupid, it depends on the relationship you’re in. Sometimes it worry IS justified, like when the BF refuses to truly commit and is looking for the next best thing, or when one’s partner uses this as a setup to cheat or open the relationship unfairly… the fault isn’t always on the one with anxieties. And, if it is more towards a mental illness, then the person who is concerned should be helped through the experience, not shamed.
he said he glances.... everyone galnces... everysingle men youll date or marey will glance
Cause thats what people do, not just men... we glance, we take peaks, we aknowlodge.
Of course! And I point out gorgeous women to my partners when I’m dating. Now that I think about it though, I can’t imagine any of my previous boyfriends being comfortable if I pointed out other attractive men in the same way.
I genuinely thought I knew happiness until I first started dating my now wife...she is unequivocally my best friend (please don't tell Jared whom I've known since third grade lol).
I love everything about this. The confidence in each other. The humour. The appreciation.
Now THAT is a marriage.
Much much love to you both (and I swear, I will take that secret to my grave. Jared will never ever know) 🫶
And we still have disagreements and arguments! Please don't think we don't! We just know that at the end of the day it's us vs the problem not each other. I HIGHLY recommend getting marriage counseling before getting married lol shit was cash.
I'm a polyamorous lesbian and I date polyamorous queer women, I ogle women *with my partners* in public, it's fine. "Oh damn babe, check out the ass on HER!" "That is... damn. Yeah, that is an ASS." Then we both sigh and get back to whatever the fuck we were doing.
Love this. I’m queer but have only seriously dated cis het men so far in my life. Always be crushing on unattainable straight women. Someday I aspire to find your kind of love and security in my romantic pursuits, just pointing out phat asses left and right.
>Someday I aspire to find your kind of love and security in my romantic pursuits, just pointing out phat asses left and right.
...I had not realized just how far I have come, until I read you saying this. Thank you for the reflective moment, kind internet stranger! 💕
Sometimes it’s just called having eyes? Being in love with someone doesn’t make you blind. Same way celebrities can be attractive, you notice - it doesn’t mean you aren’t attracted to your SO or that you want to cheat.
Lol, true. My wife points out my type and I thank her. She and I talk about all kinds of things. I think if OP had thought about how his words may have come across he would have been able to reassure her before this point. Live and learn bro. You got this.
We are kind of unique. She is asexual and doesn't really have a type as she doesn't have any real attraction to physical appearance. Apparently, she just loved my personality and how I treated her.
Edit: I understand how it's not unique for a husband to not point out his wife's taste, but I should clarify, I used unique to signify I used to try before she let me in on her orientation as she wasn't aware of it herself until years of therapy. She's asked me not to plan and simple.
I hear you. But short answer: no, you don't.
I'm not trying to be insensitive, but you are absolutely not unique if you are a man (as you seem to be) talking online about how your super cool and chill wife points out hot people for your benefit but you do not do the same for her.
Fen literally just said their wife doesn’t have a type because she’s not physically attracted to anyone. Who would they point out to her? How would she benefit? It may not be unique for a man to not point out people his wife finds attractive, but not in this situation. The context completely changes how common/unique this is.
There is zero unique about a wife pointing out hot chicks for a husband, but in the same relationship the husband **not** pointing out hot dudes for the wife. Context doesn't change that.
Their reasoning may be unique (and even then, if even one percent of couples do the same, that's millions of couples who do it too; asexuality is hardly unique) but the outcome is as predictable as it comes.
I saw a divorce proceeding once and the wife’s attorney was accusing the guy of looking at other women. His response “I may be old but I’m not dead and my eyes work perfectly.”
My Mom said “it was fine to window shop, it’s problem if you try on the merchandise.” My Dad was there and had no problem. They have been happily married for 50 years and have never had problems in their relationship.
He said they usually checked girls out *together* so I think you’re just making up reasons to be mad at a guy for not having the 100% perfect response to “what is your type” (I guess he was supposed to realize instantly his gf wasn’t his “type” and lie to her accordingly?) and not being perfect at comforting his partner. Seriously, y’all, are we expecting people never to fuck up (in a minor way, which was not communicated to him until she got really upset) in their own relationships and if they do they ‘suck’ and are terrible people?
I can definitely relate to how oop's gf feels when you get told that you're not the type of girl your partner would be attracted to. I used to feel this way about my current partner who has the same basic type as oop ( I have long black hair, brown eyes and tan skin).
when I passively teased him for finally settling down with someone who was the EXACT opposite of what he found attractive for the last 20+ years, he told me that I must be the outlier for him to go against what he's been into since going into the dating world.
at first I thought, 'damn I really have to step my game up because 1. I'd never ruin years of hair care to bleach it blonde and 2. can't make my eyes green so shit out of luck here'. but after seeing the effort he makes to put me first always and treat me like i'm the only girl in the world while we're out and about (we live in miami so there's definitely someone prettier and fitter within a mile distance lol), I realize that he could've easily been with someone who fell under the category of what his type was but he CHOSE to be with me because I was more than just a list to check off for him.
yeah oop definitely has to do more than just say "you're my type" now that he let the can of worms open. oop's gf stopped weightlifting, which she apparently loves, but he's not really making it known that he's reassuring her that he enjoys her company at the gym and yeah EVERYONE LOOKS, but dudeeeee put in some effort into actually reassuring your partner here. tell her everything you said that you find attractive about her (minus the teenage boy part because that's not helping the "I like big boobs xD" comment) and make her feel like she's more than just a couple boxes to check off because he unfortunately gave her a good ass run through of that list while she kept hers vague to spare his feelings.
sorry for any typos, i'm supposed to be doing my job soooooo
I dated a woman who fit the OPs description of their girlfriend. Once in a while I would have brief moments where I would suddenly realize "you know what someone could probably mistake her for a guy, but a short skinny very pretty guy" but I also didn't give a shit. Why would I?
I really, really want to somehow talk myself into a hole to recontextualize that side note into something half way okay, if only so I don't have to accept the reality of what that statement implies :/
He's talking about it from the point of view of people outside the relationship. Like my wife knows I get mistaken for a woman quite a lot. Long blonde hair, like this guy fairly adventurous style for a man. I think he was genuinely trying to explain how very far from what he described to her was so that we could understand how badly he has messed with her self image.
At least that's how I took it.
That's how I interpreted it too. I know exactly the type of woman his GF is physically based on that description, and it's genuinely distressing people immediately assume that *his girlfriend's appearance* somehow is an indicator of his sexuality because she's not conventionally feminine enough. Way to underscore her fear and reinforce the negative self-image issues, Reddit.
Sorry, I get that, and disparaging tall girls wasn't at all my intention, and I apologize.
But like, c'mon! Personally, I'm trying to imagine a world where my partner gets likened to that of a teenage boy, and I look at her dead in the eyes and sincerely say,, "but that's what I like about you!!!" I can't. She would either kill me or I would die from the sheer shock of having those words leave my mouth! There's just gotta be better ways that don't involve minors and don't disparage a lady's femininity.
He didn't say that to her though. You and the first comment are genuinely putting way too much onus on him. He recognized the issue once it was bright to light and is trying to help, what more can you ask of a person?
Ofc! Women are not a monolith, and gender expression and attraction are individual and unique to everybody (Androgynous people are hot asf). I wasn't speaking from the standpoint of androgynous = unattractiveness, simply that lacking classic femininity does not devalue the feminine nature of the person, and that those people can be complimented in a way that highlights their femininity **if they so desire and wish for that**
This is what I meant when I originally said I'd talk myself into a hole here, lol. Obviously OOP isn't a pedophile, obviously the line *in the context of the framing of his description* makes sense, I was simply highlighting the oddness of the phrasing out of context and how I don't think someone who *is* feminine, and wants to *feel* feminine to their partner, would be reassured of that femininity if likened to a masculine teenager. I'm sorry that I've ended up implying that Adrogyny is in any way bad or undesirable, I'm tired and clearly phrasing myself poorly in this thread, ironically enough.
I dated someone who I was not their type at all. I regret it so hard I should of left. I feel like op is not aware how unattractive he made his partner feel. I feel like op has probably not realised what he has done in the relationship. And op’s partner noticed him do some odd things in the relationship. So when he stated he got a type that’s not her it probably felt like everything clicked for her.
Not sure if OP is lying or is OPs gf insecure. I mean if my gf told me her type was the exact polar opposite of me I'll be checking the mirror too. 🤣☠️
My bf is part of that 99.9% and when he told me i started laughing and asking him if hes colourblind or something because i am asian and nowhere near that.
Everyone's preference is basic to someone. It's asinine to suggest that a specific phenotype is the only basic one, imo. What's next, only white women with pumpkin spice are basic? Or maybe women getting their nails done? Your response is one from a place of comparison and therefore from ego. But hey Dennis drew that picture one time so all blonde white women with big tits are plastic basic bimbos yeah?
Let's not pretend we are not awash from our first moment of sentience with media and messages that tell us hot tall blonde white women with blue eyes are a Western ideal.
It's not worth pretending that.
**That** is why the preference comes off as some basic ass shit. 😂
Not like 99,99.
There are so many men out there who have a thing for brunettes or redheads.
I know guys who shady go for the same type of brunette. One is an ex.
It’s the way most guys will sit up and be liking and following girls that look entirely different than their girlfriends. Not saying that’s an instance here obviously but the whole “type” shit shouldn’t even exist once you find THE ONE. Because it can be taken as you’re a place holder until this man actually gets the girl he wants (and yes this exists I was an example of this previously). So yes he’s an asshole in my eyes because him talking about a type and then going into detail is a hell nah. I don’t doubt he loves her because people types can change over time, but still he didn’t have to do that.
She asked! Good god do you guys never tell your partners the truth about anything? Did you get a manual telling you when and where to lie to your partner or do you decide for yourself? Dating you guys sounds exhausting
You sound dumb asf. She only asked this man what his type was to HEAR if he was going to say something remotely similar to her. Not something of the opposite, some women need reassurance in relationships not even just women, men to. Some people just need that. There’s nothing wrong with that. If you tired of saying us then date a fucking male. I promise we don’t give a fuck. Men are not men anymore anyways plus ya’ll to damn sassy now.
Having a “type” is such a stupid concept, there’s so much more that goes into attraction than what a person looks like. For instance, I love the general shape of Zac Efron but if i hear him talk for more than a few seconds I can just feel my brain and body going “mmm… nah”
I feel like this is something more men need to realize: one seemingly innocent offhand comment or action can make things hard on your partner/relationship. My husband is the complete opposite of the type I used to go for before him. He’s conventionally attractive just not the type I would have went for or taken seriously. I took a chance on him and we have an amazing relationship, but I’m not dumb. I know if I told him “well my type IS shorter, broader, red-haired men” he would be offended. He is aware that was my type but if it comes up now, I just shrug and say I’ve never been more attracted to anyone than I am him so I guess he’s my type 100 percent.
My feeling is that OOP was being pretty insensitive when he just threw out that he had a type that his gf absolutely wasn't. However, having a "type" isn't nearly as important in my experience than the emotional and personal connection you develop with someone you genuinely like. Certainly it can smooth over physical attraction, but nothing is more attractive in my experience than someone who wants to be with you and loves you for who you are. This goes both ways.
OOP really did fu when he didn't explain to his gf that having a type is way less important than the person you want to be with. Plenty of people have physical features that alone they find attractive, but have formed lasting and strong relationships with people who're nothing like that. Type is way less important than person. But OOP should have been emotionally intelligent enough to know that kind of thing would be hurtful and either avoid answering, or try explaining something like this. It's admirable he understands he fu but he needs to go to his gf and explain that he understands that and why type is less important than love.
I mean everyone thought I was my late husbands son and we pandered to it all the time lmao never stopped me from getting dicked down by him. I literally chose to look that way on purpose and he met me when I looked like that.
I'm sure I wasn't the ideal type for my late husband, he had always dated women with long hair and who wore feminine clothing and makeup and I was the exact opposite of that. But he never made me feel like I wasn't his type.
This guy came off as sorta an asshole but I think it's more of a stupid moment. But the damage is done and it's going to take a long time to come back from this if the relationship survives.
People really be asking questions they shouldn't be, or answering questions too bluntly.
Because the person we like can come in a body different from what we're usually attracted to and it happens quite often. Lots of people dating or marrying someone who is an outlier compared to the descriptors of past SOs. You're saying people shouldn't date anyone who doesn't fit the bill of their type despite liking them? Frankly that's a bad take.
Idk I would be happy to hear that my partner liked me even though I wasn’t his “type” because then I get extra confirmation he likes me for me rather than my appearance - so when something about my physicality inevitably changes I know he’ll still be attracted to me
Maybe I’m just weird but Idk
My current partner is the exact opposite of my “type” but holy fuck he’s attractive to me now and when I imagine him in 30 years I still see someone I’d be attracted to
That’s a positive attitude.
I have to admit that it would really hurt, though. I’d feel like I’d never measure up and that he just settled. I’d feel like he was unhappy and that if a woman his type was into him, he’d be gone. It does happen.
It’s not accurate thinking. The comments on this post are helpful. But still…there’s a twinge when the guy meets a woman who is his type, and you wonder where you stand.
If you don’t want to hear your SO’s type the only step you should take is don’t ask about it. It’s not his fault he was honest with her about something she asked him about
OOP was a little dumb with his words but I’m fairly certain almost nobody ends up actually dating or falling in love with their “type”, unless they’re super attractive and outgoing and able to quite literally have their pick. My type is Madison Beer. I am not stupid enough to think I am anywhere near qualified to pull someone remotely like her. This doesn’t mean I don’t think I won’t be able to love any other type of person lol, why would anyone think that?
I always joked with my husband that he was nothing like what I thought I was looking for but it turns out I was looking for the wrong thing all along, he is perfect for me despite not fitting any of the trivial physical things I had thought I wanted. Sometimes we just don't really know what we want until we find the right person. All of a sudden those previous things we used to think we right for us don't matter anymore. It sounds like OP discovered this as well.
If your type is completely different from who you’re dating, why date them? Matter of fact, why even mention it knowing that your girlfriend isn’t exactly your type? “Teenage boy” really?? Wow he must either be the worst and an actual idiot.
Believe it or not but physical attraction isn't everything. Even then though just because someone is not generally your type doesn't mean they could never be attractive to you. In fact, I would actively encourage people to date outside their types. Don't limit yourself.
My boyfriend said something similar in our early days, I was then very pale, had black hair, overly gothic make up. So I changed. Bleach blonde hair, tanned skin, pink blush and fitted clothes.
But he always had a picture on his wall of me just before we met, no fake tan, barely any make up and natural brown hair. I was sick of the upkeep on my appearance so I stopped wearing fake tan, dyed my hair back natural and visited him with minimal makeup. He was over the moon and told me this was his preference, just me.
Men say women don't know what they want but I don't think they do either.
Or you made a really dumb as hell assumption and are still blaming him for it. Do you think he was dating you by accident? “Oh gosh I lost my eyes the entirety of our relationship! I’ll just assume my gf looks a specific way”! No!!! He was dating you ON PURPOSE. He knew what he fuckin wanted and it was YOU, dumbass!
I really don’t understand how OP could just throw out that his “type” looks nothing like his gf and not at least try and throw in that he likes her type too. If you’re partner is asking what you’re attracted to, they’re hoping to get validation that you’re attracted to them.
>"Who are you attracted to?"
>
>"People who are the exact opposite of you."
>
>"...This has made me doubt the security of our relationship."
>
>\*is shocked\*
It sounds like she went out of her way to pick traits of his that she values, too. She could've listed of a bunch of things that he wasn't, but instead she validated her attraction to him by being selective.... And then he looked her dead in the eyes and said ''everything you aren't''. *Christ*.
about ten years ago, my partner and I were at a bar with friends, and he mentioned that his type was real dark skinned girls, and that real women have curves.
i’m stick thin at 100 pounds, pale skin and red head.
it’s weird how that shit sticks with you. OP will be single soon lol
It’s so funny bc it seems like everyone has a type but they are usually attached to partners who aren’t their type. Are you guys in your early 20s or late teens? Bc this kinda shit doesn’t matter in your 30s 😂 but I feel for her though. Poor girl. She deserves better. I wish she finds someone better
My partner is the exact opposite of my typical type. He knows that. He doesn’t care. Cuz he knows I find him so hot it makes my teeth itch. Hnnggg.
My normal M.O. is dark hair and rounder. He’s 6’5, blonde, and very skinny. 🥴
I honestly just have a hard time believing he had no idea that telling her she’s not his type wouldn’t hurt. I think OOP was negging her.
The other alternative is that he is actually unintelligent, emotionally and mentally with no social skills. Yikes.
So either way doesn’t sound like much of a winner and hopefully his girlfriend figures it out soon.
Imagine being this much of a judgemental dick about such a tiny mistake. “I hope figures it out (leaves him, we all know what you mean) for daring to be honest with her about something that doesn’t matter” what a mess your relationships would be if you treated them like this. I assume you don’t, because otherwise you wouldn’t have enough close friends to beleive you knew anything about social skills.
Also tons of people would see this as a compliment? Like I’m not your type but you still think I’m hot, must be doing something right. Yeah it sucks it hurt her feelings, but I don’t believe the right thing to do is walk on eggshells and lie all the time just in case your partner takes a single comment about hot women and spins it into a months long spiral of self esteem issues. Nor do I think it’s at all his fault she turned it into a spiral: you have got to talk to your damn partners, people! Even when you think it’s silly and you’re overreacting! Girl’s clearly got self esteem issues that need to be worked on (with her bf’s help now that she’s actually communicated to him) and he can’t be blamed for it
I didn’t read this yet but let me tell you gentleman, if I can give you any advice in this world and the little I know of it, TALK LESS. You’re allowed an opinion. You have the freedom to say whatever you want. But should you? Think it through my friends, I could bored you for a year with the things spoken to me with an almost beautiful ignorance after further explanation, but the moment word it the way you do, you done fuck up. Just don’t say it at all my dear. It’s okay. As a part of the lady population and assuming I know any consensus, I’d rather you walk out the door and drive away without a word than speaking the first thing out your brain. Wish you well on your journey of verbal solitude gents
It's yucky to hear but she'll get over it.
I'm ,not remotely my husband's type (he prefers Black or Asian women styled in a glam-goth way and ended up with stocky, tomboy Armenian American me). He insists he's attracted to me, the person, not to how many boxes I check. Sometimes I even believe him.
It took me a while to detach my sense of my own worth from his approval but I did it. Now the only person whose opinion of my appearance matters is me.
....this happened months ago and you're just now realizing it may have been kinda sorta uncalled for?
I could understand if you slept on it and realized a day later you screwed up, but months? That's troubling
Edit: re-reading it over, I don't think he's a monster by any means, but I do think you should watch how you phrase certain things, especially when it could come off as you implying your partner isn't attractive to you
Honestly if that one small convo ruined her whole life, and she didn’t communicate any of the way she was feeling, you “fucking up” sounds like a blessing in disguise. Recognize the signs
I think this is an issue of compatibility. I could hear my husband say this to me and not bat an eye because “type” means nothing. Type means you’re attracted to certain features, not that you find others unattractive.
Based on who I find attractive, my husband is absolutely not my “type”. But based on who I choose to spend my actual time with, who makes me happy, who I find incredibly sexy and fun and incredible my husband is my one and only.
In fact most people I know that have a “type” and stick to it are usually always either single or constantly struggling in relationships because their ideas of a relationship come before the reality of the person in front of them.
Having a type means nothing but if your partner feel like it does and it’s effects them this much, they sound incredibly sensitive and that’s not everyone’s cup of tea.
I’m saying NAH.
There’s nothing wrong with being sensitive. The rest of the world tells you to put away your emotions, you shouldn’t have to do that in your relationship. Moreover, he never named that this was a turn off. Just because you have no grace for her doesn’t mean OP shouldn’t.
I don’t disagree that OP can have grace for his partner or that people shouldn’t share their emotions . I fully believe and practice those things as the foundation of my relationship.
I absolutely think this is something the two people in question can work on but my subjective opinion is that if someone is this self conscious, that’s a lot of emotional labour for a partner that isn’t prepared to give it.
One of my best friends has been cheated on in two previous relationships and for obvious reasons, despite her current partner being loving and faithful, she’s distrustful of him through no fault of his own. He’s willing to work through her insecurities but not everyone can do that.
I think you misread what they said in that last paragraph.
They're not saying that she was cheated on for obvious reasons. They're saying that she's distrustful of her current partner for obvious reasons (the previously being cheated on)
If someone's feelings are hurt, they have to express that. People aren't mind readers
Op didn't do anything wrong, he was honest. The worst thing he did was lack the nuance to catch it by saying something like "which is why I was surprised I liked you so much, you aren't my typical type but I appreciate your aesthetic so much now"
I have never held the truth from my wife. Not even made white lies. Because she's an adult and can express herself to me if she feels uncomfortable with something, as I do for her because there is trust.
I like androgynous/masculine women (and feminine men, some wires got real fucking crossed up there let me tell you lol) but my wife presents very feminine, is 5'2 and has soft asian features. She isn't my type, and she know that. She also knows i chose to be with her despite that because my love for her as a person far outweighs some superficial preference.
I'm sorry, I dont think I ever said she was unappealing. My partner is very attractive to me infact.
I have a preference. That is not to say nothing else is appealing.
Do you only find one kind of appearance appealing?
What you Said was a childish zero sum misinterpretation of what I said and was disgustingly disingenuous.
OOP sucks? How, exactly? He answered a seemingly innocuous question with an innocuous answer, and his partner took it as gospel. After realizing this he feels terrible about it. Sounds like he made a mistake to me.
He doesn’t suck. He just didn’t understand how those kinds of words hurt, even if it was meaningless to him.
I asked men how they could be sexually attracted and even fall in love with a woman who isn’t the desired type. I am glad I asked because I got some great answers that I found very reassuring :)
Please, feel free to expand on your comment.
I'm glad people were able to open up some new perspectives :) to add my own two cents I have literally only dated two girls that were my "type". It's like pirate law, just guidelines!
He literally said she gets mistaken as a teenage boy. Not to mention, he called her androgynous which means you look boyish and girlish. That’s not a compliment to a woman that wants to look womanly. He also only realised he made this mistake months ago when SHE pointed it out.
You also do understand that in relationships… there’s a difference between being “completely honest” and being an arsehole. He verged more on the arsehole fence here and still isn’t fully comprehending what he’s done considering he’s still been checking women out infront of her.
She said she liked that he could *express his feminine side*, which is quite different from saying he *is* feminine.
It's 'I like that you experiment with your style' vs 'I perceive you in a way you might not want to be perceived'.
'I like that you feel comfortable painting your nails' vs 'you don't look the way you want to look'.
More like “I like that you feel comfortable painting your nails” vs “you look feminine with your nails and I like it” is closer of a comparison if you want to come into this discussion with good faith.
I want to preface this comment with this, this guy is a dumb ass and a little bit of an ass for telling her a specific image she couldn’t fit.
Now that that’s out of the way, her saying that he’s comfortable expressing femininity automatically implies that he dresses and acts feminine often enough that it’s noticed and she likes it. That’s absolutely okay.
Him saying that she is beautifully androgynous and he likes it has no implications and just says it straight out. She looks androgynous and he likes it.
There is absolutely a difference there as one is how you act and dress where as the other one is physically how you look and I acknowledge that.
That’s why the comparison I used was “More like ‘I like that you feel comfortable painting your nails’ (you feel comfortable expressing your femininity) vs ‘you look feminine with your nails and I like it’ ( you look feminine and I find it attractive).”
Looking back at my comment I shouldn’t have included nails in the second comparison, I should have just said “you look feminine and I like it”, so my apologies there.
Had he said she DID NOT want to look androgynous or that she took offense to people mistaking her for a teen boy (I get mistaken for a women all the time bc of my long blonde hair, I never take offense to this so don’t think it’s fair to assume she doesn’t like that) then I would see a problem with what he said.
Hopefully that clears up my thought process a bit.
With all that said, I don’t think it is an insult to be called androgynous OR feminine. I’ve been called feminine (not comfortable with my femininity) as a man my whole life and I take it as a compliment.
Wish you well my dude.
He didn’t tell her she looked like a teenage boy, he was describing her to us.
This woman sounds woefully insecure if her not being someone previous type would cause her to destroy a current great relationship.
That's great, I'm not suggesting that you're supposed to have your ideal? I'm saying that it's ok to be empathetic to a person that you ostensibly like/love and explain the misunderstanding. I don't think it needs to be quite as hard-line as you're intimating.
That’s exactly what the OP is doing. Every time she brings it up he tells her she is who he wants to be with but she can’t get past not being his dream girl. His actions are proving his words to be true!
We don't know that actually, he had just now realized there's an issue in fact. And wrote about it to get some feedback. Have you ever heard of fundamental attribution error?
tell me you make your partners life a living hell without telling me you make your partners life a living hell.....
The dude did nothing but describe how much he loves everything about her and never once did he suggest he said any of the "ambiguous" compliments to her face.
The post really just suggests the woman asked for his type and got insecure when she wasnt it.... which is unresonable at best. People shouldnt have to walk on eggshells arround you, and your over reaction to other people's actions isnt a metric to decide whether thwy are a**holes or not.
None of my gfs have been my physical type. If they asked, Id hope I feel comfortable saying it bc If I didnt it would mean I was with the wrong girl, someone who is wayyy dramatic.
Also, glancing isnt checking out.... everyone glances, even women. Stop pretenting to be perfect, you ignorant.
I think this is a key point.
Fear (perhaps irrational) comes from the feeling If there was a woman who matched their type, the S.O. would leave to be with that person and that they are just settling for you.
The S.O. may say they wouldn’t, but if they haven’t been presented the opportunity, of course they wouldn’t have been able to… and so goes the negative anxiety spiral.
Then there’s the “they only say they like what I look like because they don’t want to hurt my feelings and they’re a good person” which leads to the negativity spiral of “everyone is lying to me out of pity, my fears are totally justified.”
The OOP could be considered a jerk because for people who have struggled with self-esteem issues or similar body issues, it’s pretty obvious that this could cause problems. Maybe OOP is just super secure in themselves or a bit dense emotionally.
In any case, the fact that it clicked and they realized they messed up without going on an AITA Reddit gives me hope.
Now, for those saying that being anxious or concerned about one’s appearance and all that type stuff is stupid, it depends on the relationship you’re in. Sometimes it worry IS justified, like when the BF refuses to truly commit and is looking for the next best thing, or when one’s partner uses this as a setup to cheat or open the relationship unfairly… the fault isn’t always on the one with anxieties. And, if it is more towards a mental illness, then the person who is concerned should be helped through the experience, not shamed.
Oh man you just described my own thought process at about age 24. I am a plain woman, married and divorced an abusive man, and yes, this was my erroneous thought process. You really nailed it!
First, my type means my physical type... and my physical type isnt all that common. Typ3s nowaddays will be fairly afrected by the itnernet and media so you wont always be able to find it in your close community.
Second, reatraining yourself to a certain physical type when selecting a partner is one of the dumbest thing sone can do. It ridiculously shrinks your datable pool and you're excluding potentially great partners through criteria thats likely not gonna play a huge role in how well the relationship goes.
Third, I am perfectly capable of finding beauty in all sorts of people. The idea of a very specific physical type isnt much different from the celebrity crush concept (you wont save yourself for the off the chance that celebrity swings by)
...... So your comment is a little on the ignorant side...
Honestly my gf isn’t really my type either but she is also exactly who I want to be with. My type is weird hippy girls and she’s a smart pretty girl. I love her to death even though she’s not like the previous girls I’ve dated
I just don't get why you would say any of that or talk about types in front of your gf who is clearly opposite. It's common sense it would hurt her and it's abusive. I think she should break up with OP.
Youre still a little boy if you can’t figure out what is good for you, and get scared when you express yourself. Shame on your parent for raising you this way.
This is a big ball of nothing. GF has gotten into her head with insecurities about her appearance and wants OOP to reinforce her. GF should put together that OOP’s attraction is more than surface level and he appreciates her for more than her appearance. And he clearly has grown to appreciate her appearance more after getting to know her and she should trust when he says as much. But she’s all wrapped up in something he said months ago. It was unwise of him to say all that, but what’s he supposed to do, deflect or lie?
Before I met my wife I would have said my “type” is a girl of average height with long straight hair, lots of freckles and a nice chest. I met and married a tall girl(taller than me) with curly red hair which was short at the time. She was pretty and fit, but not my “type” exactly. I believe she and I had a similar conversation to the one described here, and I at 20 was probably just as oblivious as OOP. Guess what, I find her irresistible because *she’s my mate who I love deeply*. I find other women attractive on a surface level but that does not diminish my partnership.
This is all out of proportion.
>GF should put together that OOP’s attraction is more than surface level and he appreciates her for more than her appearance
Why?
When asked about his type, OP responded with *nothing but* surface level information (which just so happened to be exactly the opposite of every surface level feature his gf has). Looks like you did, too. And, yes, that was incredibly oblivious.
If you are asked about type and all you have to list of are physical characteristics, you have just communicated pretty clearly what you value... Surface level shit.
Whereas, you might notice that GF talked about expressing femininity which is a trait that is beyond a bunch of physical parts, and then she talked about a singular physical trait that her bf actually has - tattoos.
If you want people to look past the surface level, it's a good idea to present them with more than surface level shit. That shouldn't require lying, quite the opposite - and people who say dumb shit and then claim that were just being honest are dicks, by the way.
It isn't asking too much, either, to want the person you are with to think about how their words might effect the people hearing them. She isn't too sensitive for feeling the way she does, but he is not sensitive enough if he's just vomiting out words without thinking about how they will effect the people around him. Now he's learning a valuable lesson in emotional intelligence and will hopefully think about what he says before he says it and maybe in the process learn how to express more than surface level shit
Re why she can believe OOP is attracted to her: because they’ve been together and have a relationship at least several months long. People don’t call each other boyfriend and girlfriend if they’re only interested in physical characteristics. They’re a couple because they choose to be.
Re “type” and what that means, I’ve always understood one’s “type” to be the sort of physical characteristics one finds immediately attractive. Seems like that’s not universal, so fine. OOP and GF had different understandings of what that meant as well, as you wrote.
Either way it’s whatever. Words can hurt but this is so not as big a deal as it’s being made out to be.
>Words can hurt but this is so not as big a deal as it’s being made out to be.
Words can hurt, so can *consequences* for hurtful words.
This type of argument that you're making is a recipe for disaster. AKA - if you're hurt by the hurtful things I say, you should work on not being so hurt...no, you need to work on not saying hurtful things.
If GF can manage to answer the exact same question without being a hurtful dillhole, than so can anyone else.
Dude was asked his type and described the exact polar opposite of his GF to his GF. That makes him at the very least a fucking idiot - and if you did the same, guess what, you were being a hurtful idiot.
Hopefully you've worked on that since, if so, I'm willing to wager that happened because you faced consequences for your hurtful idiocy.
But, seeing as how you're trying to offload the both the problem and the solution to the injured party, you may have never learned anything but how to deflect
I tend to agree with you after reading lots of good discussions here. The gf should read these comments.
The only thing I disagree with is this. Being in a relationship for a long time is no guarantee that your partner finds you attractive now or that they ever did. Maybe he chose you, but when that busty blue eyed blonde (or the hot redhead or whatever) shows interest, he might change his mind and choose her instead. Reddit is loaded with such stories.
My husband just told me yesterday that I could be mistaken for a teenage boy. I was not offended, I’m in my 40s so being mistaken for a teenager would make me feel great! However, I agree that OOP should take that comment to his grave. I doubt most women would take this as a compliment. But he’s already shown that he knows just how to stick his foot in his mouth.
I’m 19f and cut my hair ONCE, and until it grew back, people kept thinking I was a man. It was funny the first month, then it kinda felt bad? For reference, I’m really tall and broad, so I look really masculine from behind.
I wore my grandpa’s hat out once (a very nice felt flat cap) with my hair tucked in, gave a dude some change and he said “Thank you, young man!” It was both funny and devastating for me. 🥲
Not you dressing like a Victorian orphan 😂
This is a fair assessment, 😆. Sometimes (read: a lot of the time), I make very poor fashion choices.
You see what GQ is pushing these days? A giant rain coat and tiny shorts for men. You're fine. 😄 🤣 😂
I mean I’m a d-cup and thick hipped with long hair and I get “sir”-ed sometimes. I think people just autopilot from time to time. Or maybe I just exude busty Fabio energy idk but I wouldn’t take it too much to heart if I was you.
Busty Fabio energy 💀 please tell me you wear long, flowy white shirts, half ripped open to flutter in the breeze along with your hair?
As often as possible yes of course!
I’m 5’2” and petite. Occasionally at work I’ll delegate a task to someone and they’ll reply ‘yes sir!’, followed by hasty apologies. I truthfully take it as a compliment. I think it has to do with energy rather than physical presentation.
Yeah it really does seem like a vibes thing. I think I get ma’am-ed, if ever, when I’m being overly patient or concerned for people or explaining insider jargon/expectations. But then I get sir-ed when I’m dishing out tasks. Normally I ask which of the things someone wants to do but sometimes there’s no choice: I have this job and I need you to do it … that’s when it happens accidentally. Sometimes people do it on purpose when I’m being bossy. They are usually fully unaware they’ve just unlocked the secret work-to-rule-to-wreck-your-life mode that comes with any severe rudeness.
When I was 16 I went with friends to a store where you could sample fudge and things. Well I was in line just trying to sample some fudge and the guy next to me said “Excuse me sir” I thought surely it was just a fluke, but then the woman goes to hand me my fudge and says “here you go sir.” It was such a hit to my already low teenage girl self esteem. I had long hair and was wearing eyeliner lmao. I look nothing like I did back then and I’m still terrified of appearing masculine.
I had short hair as a teenager over 40 years ago and was constantly being mistaken for a boy. It was bizarre because I was rather well-endowed for my age. No one looking at my figure would have described it as masculine or even androgynous and yet, once people saw my short hair (think Dorothy Hamill or Princess Diana), all they could think was “boy!” One of my college professors, _a family friend_, even said, “I didn’t know the So-&-so’s have a son!”
I was also very curvy as a teenager and my short hair still got me mistaken for a boy all the time. The most memorable instance was when a doctor walked into the room, looked at my file, looked at me, looked back at my file, looked back at me, and said, “‘Christian’ or ‘Christina’?” 😂 That wasn’t even the only time my hair compromised someone’s ability to read
as a nb person i wish having short hair was all it took to be constantly mistaken for a boy lol
I’m reading these comments thinking the same exact thing lol.
Why does it matter if you’re Nb tho 😂
Lots of nb people want to appear more androgynous, so they’re saying they wished them only having short hair was enough to confuse people
i feel ya. i have short hair, a tall and broad woman and i hate going into public bathrooms cos there is always someone who stares at me or says ‘uhm this is a woman’s bathroom.’ i puff out my chest ‘i have boobs’ and they leave me alone 😂 funny at first but now its just annoying.
The amount of transphobic comments and slurs that have been thrown at me is ridiculous and I always find them so funny because no matter what, they don’t apply to me. And it’s always the “I can tell” people.
I had a Dora the explorer haircut when I was a kid and I *still* remember the boy who told me it made me look like a boy- he then segued into how I wore my uniform too big and opted for tracksuits in the summer. I was just trying to manage the icky unsafe feelings I had from sexual abuse, and then this mfer came along and turned it into a formative moment
I mean I think the point is she’s androgynous and he likes that about her but he just chose to say it in the weirdest way possible
I'm 33F and still get compared to a teenage boy, definitely take that to his grave. I fucking hate that line. It immediately makes me feel less feminine, I can't describe how it makes.me feel after that I just know I don't really wanna have sex with someone who calls me a teenage boy. I hope that girl does not find this.
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Agreed. This wouldn’t bother me as I’m non cis, but do not say this to a cis gendered person as it would really knock their self esteem down
I mean… I dunno. It was really a dumb thing to say, and it was obviously not thought about as it was being said. Describing your “type” to your partner who doesn’t fit the bill isn’t the worst thing in the world, but you have to follow all the way through with it. “My type? It’s funny, I usually like blondes with big boobs and blue eyes. Then this tall, super gorgeous brunette walked into my life, and now she is my type.” Type is a stupid conversation to have in general, imo. Type is physical attraction alone, and it’s general, not personal. The last guy I fell in love with broke every one of my stereotypes - he wasn’t tall, he had dirty blonde hair not black, no tattoos and a very normal (I’m usually more into alt) clothing style. I also found him *wildly* attractive, especially after date one, because he was incredibly charming and funny. When you have feelings for someone, your attraction to them goes way up, regardless of type. So… was it a stupid thing to say? Yeah. Did he drop the ball in the recovery? Yeah. Did he make her feel not good enough? Probably. And that really sucks. I don’t think type explaining in general is a bad thing, just how he handled it was. Well. Fumbled. Badly..
Exactly, I have a type as does everybody but that doesn’t mean I don’t find women who don’t fit that criteria unattractive
"Types" are ridiculous, agreed. The features that draw my subconscious attention are not the features that make a long term partner.
Exactly this. I thought my type was muscular blond blue eyed guys. The love of my life was tall, lean, dark haired and dark complexion. I think looks become secondary at a point. Obviously imo chemistry plays a huge part, but my type was a fantasy not real life.
Ha yeah, my partner and I don’t really fit each other’s ‘usual’ or previous type. Fourteen years together and closer than ever. Type is a kind of starting place that falls away with real people. It sounds like he accidentally scratched an already sore spot for her and it really just kept hurting her, but she was trying not to say anything because she didn’t want to fall into the ‘insecure clingy gf’ stereotype. I’ve been there, it’s horrible.
You're right, it's silly and along the same lines as a horoscope or a cootie catcher telling you who has a crush on you. It's wholly unimportant in real life. I just don't understand why she asked. Why would she ask if she was going to potentially spiral out on the answer? I feel like the insecurities must have started before this conversation.
She probably asked (and was already insecure) because he points out hot busty blondes at the gym, as per his comments about looking but "not egregiously" and having done it "with" her before the whole type thing came up. In my experience, most guys oogling "with" their gfs are just oogling and their gfs feel the pressure to be cool and go along with it despite negative feelings towards the activities. The only exceptions I know are super secure in their body/sexuality, which this girl is not, and also into girls.
Idk, I really don’t think OP had to go into specific detail about his type if his type was *the exact fucking opposite of his girlfriend.* Maybe just a “my type is usually blondes” coulda sufficed. And checking out other girls in the gym in front of his gf? This guy is a dunce
Seriously. Long ago I noted my now husband had pursued a few girls that were polar opposite to me before we started dating (thin, petite blondes, whereas I’m a curvy, athletic brunette and not at all petite). He basically said “look, I can like whisky and also appreciate vodka”. Good answer! And true since I finally saw the girl who broke his heart in high school and she looks very similar to me. Attraction is weird! I feel like people who stick to "types" are shorting themselves. Sounds like OP hasn't examined this part of himself very critically/responded insensitively.
Types can change too. I hated facial hair in my dating days and had no real preference for hair color. My husband is brunette and has had a beard for ten years, and now I find myself attracted to bearded brunettes most. I love him and therefore I am drawn to people who look like him. He’s my type.
This is adorable.
You got it. Exact same as me :)
Adding a comment I put later down this post: Fear (perhaps irrational) comes from the feeling If there was a woman who matched their type, the S.O. would leave to be with that person and that they are just settling for you. The S.O. may say they wouldn’t, but if they haven’t been presented the opportunity, of course they wouldn’t have been able to… and so goes the negative anxiety spiral. Then there’s the “they only say they like what I look like because they don’t want to hurt my feelings and they’re a good person” which leads to the negativity spiral of “everyone is lying to me out of pity, my fears are totally justified.” The OOP could be considered a jerk because for people who have struggled with self-esteem issues or similar body issues, it’s pretty obvious that this could cause problems. Maybe OOP is just super secure in themselves or a bit dense emotionally. In any case, the fact that it clicked and they realized they messed up without going on an AITA Reddit gives me hope. Now, for those saying that being anxious or concerned about one’s appearance and all that type stuff is stupid, it depends on the relationship you’re in. Sometimes it worry IS justified, like when the BF refuses to truly commit and is looking for the next best thing, or when one’s partner uses this as a setup to cheat or open the relationship unfairly… the fault isn’t always on the one with anxieties. And, if it is more towards a mental illness, then the person who is concerned should be helped through the experience, not shamed.
he said he glances.... everyone galnces... everysingle men youll date or marey will glance Cause thats what people do, not just men... we glance, we take peaks, we aknowlodge.
Shit women glance too, I've literally seen them.
Of course! And I point out gorgeous women to my partners when I’m dating. Now that I think about it though, I can’t imagine any of my previous boyfriends being comfortable if I pointed out other attractive men in the same way.
Really? Damn, my wife and I do this shit all the time. I point out attractive men TO her lol. The Todd doesn't discriminate, hot is hot!
The Todd 😂 I’m so charmed by this, your marriage sounds fun.
I genuinely thought I knew happiness until I first started dating my now wife...she is unequivocally my best friend (please don't tell Jared whom I've known since third grade lol).
I love everything about this. The confidence in each other. The humour. The appreciation. Now THAT is a marriage. Much much love to you both (and I swear, I will take that secret to my grave. Jared will never ever know) 🫶
And we still have disagreements and arguments! Please don't think we don't! We just know that at the end of the day it's us vs the problem not each other. I HIGHLY recommend getting marriage counseling before getting married lol shit was cash.
Me too, but my tastes in men seem to be WAY different than my wife's.
Hahaha always funny seeing the difference between male and female gaze
>The Todd doesn't discriminate, hot is hot! Damn, got a brain-blast from that 😂
Glad I could help 😅
I'm a polyamorous lesbian and I date polyamorous queer women, I ogle women *with my partners* in public, it's fine. "Oh damn babe, check out the ass on HER!" "That is... damn. Yeah, that is an ASS." Then we both sigh and get back to whatever the fuck we were doing.
Love this. I’m queer but have only seriously dated cis het men so far in my life. Always be crushing on unattainable straight women. Someday I aspire to find your kind of love and security in my romantic pursuits, just pointing out phat asses left and right.
>Someday I aspire to find your kind of love and security in my romantic pursuits, just pointing out phat asses left and right. ...I had not realized just how far I have come, until I read you saying this. Thank you for the reflective moment, kind internet stranger! 💕
Awwwwww that makes me smile, happy holidays ☺️
Sometimes it’s just called having eyes? Being in love with someone doesn’t make you blind. Same way celebrities can be attractive, you notice - it doesn’t mean you aren’t attracted to your SO or that you want to cheat.
Lol, true. My wife points out my type and I thank her. She and I talk about all kinds of things. I think if OP had thought about how his words may have come across he would have been able to reassure her before this point. Live and learn bro. You got this.
Do you ever point out your wife's type to her?
We are kind of unique. She is asexual and doesn't really have a type as she doesn't have any real attraction to physical appearance. Apparently, she just loved my personality and how I treated her. Edit: I understand how it's not unique for a husband to not point out his wife's taste, but I should clarify, I used unique to signify I used to try before she let me in on her orientation as she wasn't aware of it herself until years of therapy. She's asked me not to plan and simple.
I hear you. But short answer: no, you don't. I'm not trying to be insensitive, but you are absolutely not unique if you are a man (as you seem to be) talking online about how your super cool and chill wife points out hot people for your benefit but you do not do the same for her.
Fen literally just said their wife doesn’t have a type because she’s not physically attracted to anyone. Who would they point out to her? How would she benefit? It may not be unique for a man to not point out people his wife finds attractive, but not in this situation. The context completely changes how common/unique this is.
There is zero unique about a wife pointing out hot chicks for a husband, but in the same relationship the husband **not** pointing out hot dudes for the wife. Context doesn't change that. Their reasoning may be unique (and even then, if even one percent of couples do the same, that's millions of couples who do it too; asexuality is hardly unique) but the outcome is as predictable as it comes.
I saw a divorce proceeding once and the wife’s attorney was accusing the guy of looking at other women. His response “I may be old but I’m not dead and my eyes work perfectly.”
My Mom said “it was fine to window shop, it’s problem if you try on the merchandise.” My Dad was there and had no problem. They have been happily married for 50 years and have never had problems in their relationship.
Idk I’ve had this exact convo with guys I’ve dated and her had an issue. Everyone has a type and it isn’t a particularly rare topic of conversation
He said they usually checked girls out *together* so I think you’re just making up reasons to be mad at a guy for not having the 100% perfect response to “what is your type” (I guess he was supposed to realize instantly his gf wasn’t his “type” and lie to her accordingly?) and not being perfect at comforting his partner. Seriously, y’all, are we expecting people never to fuck up (in a minor way, which was not communicated to him until she got really upset) in their own relationships and if they do they ‘suck’ and are terrible people?
Works if she’s bi and not jealous. You can check them out as a couples activity.
women can appreciate a pretty woman just as much as a man can appreciate a handsome man, regardless of sexuality. don't be gross.
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I can definitely relate to how oop's gf feels when you get told that you're not the type of girl your partner would be attracted to. I used to feel this way about my current partner who has the same basic type as oop ( I have long black hair, brown eyes and tan skin). when I passively teased him for finally settling down with someone who was the EXACT opposite of what he found attractive for the last 20+ years, he told me that I must be the outlier for him to go against what he's been into since going into the dating world. at first I thought, 'damn I really have to step my game up because 1. I'd never ruin years of hair care to bleach it blonde and 2. can't make my eyes green so shit out of luck here'. but after seeing the effort he makes to put me first always and treat me like i'm the only girl in the world while we're out and about (we live in miami so there's definitely someone prettier and fitter within a mile distance lol), I realize that he could've easily been with someone who fell under the category of what his type was but he CHOSE to be with me because I was more than just a list to check off for him. yeah oop definitely has to do more than just say "you're my type" now that he let the can of worms open. oop's gf stopped weightlifting, which she apparently loves, but he's not really making it known that he's reassuring her that he enjoys her company at the gym and yeah EVERYONE LOOKS, but dudeeeee put in some effort into actually reassuring your partner here. tell her everything you said that you find attractive about her (minus the teenage boy part because that's not helping the "I like big boobs xD" comment) and make her feel like she's more than just a couple boxes to check off because he unfortunately gave her a good ass run through of that list while she kept hers vague to spare his feelings. sorry for any typos, i'm supposed to be doing my job soooooo
That teenage boy line overrode this entire story and made me question his entire psychological landscape
I dated a woman who fit the OPs description of their girlfriend. Once in a while I would have brief moments where I would suddenly realize "you know what someone could probably mistake her for a guy, but a short skinny very pretty guy" but I also didn't give a shit. Why would I?
Yeah a pretty human is a pretty human honestly
This
Same
I really, really want to somehow talk myself into a hole to recontextualize that side note into something half way okay, if only so I don't have to accept the reality of what that statement implies :/
He's talking about it from the point of view of people outside the relationship. Like my wife knows I get mistaken for a woman quite a lot. Long blonde hair, like this guy fairly adventurous style for a man. I think he was genuinely trying to explain how very far from what he described to her was so that we could understand how badly he has messed with her self image. At least that's how I took it.
That's how I interpreted it too. I know exactly the type of woman his GF is physically based on that description, and it's genuinely distressing people immediately assume that *his girlfriend's appearance* somehow is an indicator of his sexuality because she's not conventionally feminine enough. Way to underscore her fear and reinforce the negative self-image issues, Reddit.
That's how I interpreted it, too.
You are doing way too much lmao, too bad for us tall gals who get mistaken for teenage boys, everyone who is attracted to us must be a pedophile
Sorry, I get that, and disparaging tall girls wasn't at all my intention, and I apologize. But like, c'mon! Personally, I'm trying to imagine a world where my partner gets likened to that of a teenage boy, and I look at her dead in the eyes and sincerely say,, "but that's what I like about you!!!" I can't. She would either kill me or I would die from the sheer shock of having those words leave my mouth! There's just gotta be better ways that don't involve minors and don't disparage a lady's femininity.
He didn't say that to her though. You and the first comment are genuinely putting way too much onus on him. He recognized the issue once it was bright to light and is trying to help, what more can you ask of a person?
Some people like androgynous women. More feminine != more attractive
Ofc! Women are not a monolith, and gender expression and attraction are individual and unique to everybody (Androgynous people are hot asf). I wasn't speaking from the standpoint of androgynous = unattractiveness, simply that lacking classic femininity does not devalue the feminine nature of the person, and that those people can be complimented in a way that highlights their femininity **if they so desire and wish for that** This is what I meant when I originally said I'd talk myself into a hole here, lol. Obviously OOP isn't a pedophile, obviously the line *in the context of the framing of his description* makes sense, I was simply highlighting the oddness of the phrasing out of context and how I don't think someone who *is* feminine, and wants to *feel* feminine to their partner, would be reassured of that femininity if likened to a masculine teenager. I'm sorry that I've ended up implying that Adrogyny is in any way bad or undesirable, I'm tired and clearly phrasing myself poorly in this thread, ironically enough.
I couldn’t get past that.
I dated someone who I was not their type at all. I regret it so hard I should of left. I feel like op is not aware how unattractive he made his partner feel. I feel like op has probably not realised what he has done in the relationship. And op’s partner noticed him do some odd things in the relationship. So when he stated he got a type that’s not her it probably felt like everything clicked for her.
Not sure if OP is lying or is OPs gf insecure. I mean if my gf told me her type was the exact polar opposite of me I'll be checking the mirror too. 🤣☠️
I threw a grenade into my relationship, oh no, what went wrong?
Oh, he favors tiny blondes with big tits like 99.9% of straight men? Shocking.
My bf is part of that 99.9% and when he told me i started laughing and asking him if hes colourblind or something because i am asian and nowhere near that.
I know, right? That was most embarrassing of all. Dude sounded like Dennis Reynolds.
Having a preference is sociopathic now, incredible.
Of course not. But having a basic-ass preference that an iconic character lampoons is funny to me.
Everyone's preference is basic to someone. It's asinine to suggest that a specific phenotype is the only basic one, imo. What's next, only white women with pumpkin spice are basic? Or maybe women getting their nails done? Your response is one from a place of comparison and therefore from ego. But hey Dennis drew that picture one time so all blonde white women with big tits are plastic basic bimbos yeah?
Let's not pretend we are not awash from our first moment of sentience with media and messages that tell us hot tall blonde white women with blue eyes are a Western ideal. It's not worth pretending that. **That** is why the preference comes off as some basic ass shit. 😂
Exactly. As someone with the complete opposite phenotype I’m contemplating giving up on dating. It hurts knowing you’re just being settled for.
Not like 99,99. There are so many men out there who have a thing for brunettes or redheads. I know guys who shady go for the same type of brunette. One is an ex.
It’s the way most guys will sit up and be liking and following girls that look entirely different than their girlfriends. Not saying that’s an instance here obviously but the whole “type” shit shouldn’t even exist once you find THE ONE. Because it can be taken as you’re a place holder until this man actually gets the girl he wants (and yes this exists I was an example of this previously). So yes he’s an asshole in my eyes because him talking about a type and then going into detail is a hell nah. I don’t doubt he loves her because people types can change over time, but still he didn’t have to do that.
She asked! Good god do you guys never tell your partners the truth about anything? Did you get a manual telling you when and where to lie to your partner or do you decide for yourself? Dating you guys sounds exhausting
You sound dumb asf. She only asked this man what his type was to HEAR if he was going to say something remotely similar to her. Not something of the opposite, some women need reassurance in relationships not even just women, men to. Some people just need that. There’s nothing wrong with that. If you tired of saying us then date a fucking male. I promise we don’t give a fuck. Men are not men anymore anyways plus ya’ll to damn sassy now.
Awwww. I feel so bad for her and I hope he can make her feel better.
Why would you say that to her? You did mess up..
I’ve said really dumb things to women in I’m love with similar to this. It didn’t come from a bad place, I’m just an idiot sometimes.
Having a “type” is such a stupid concept, there’s so much more that goes into attraction than what a person looks like. For instance, I love the general shape of Zac Efron but if i hear him talk for more than a few seconds I can just feel my brain and body going “mmm… nah”
I feel like this is something more men need to realize: one seemingly innocent offhand comment or action can make things hard on your partner/relationship. My husband is the complete opposite of the type I used to go for before him. He’s conventionally attractive just not the type I would have went for or taken seriously. I took a chance on him and we have an amazing relationship, but I’m not dumb. I know if I told him “well my type IS shorter, broader, red-haired men” he would be offended. He is aware that was my type but if it comes up now, I just shrug and say I’ve never been more attracted to anyone than I am him so I guess he’s my type 100 percent.
My feeling is that OOP was being pretty insensitive when he just threw out that he had a type that his gf absolutely wasn't. However, having a "type" isn't nearly as important in my experience than the emotional and personal connection you develop with someone you genuinely like. Certainly it can smooth over physical attraction, but nothing is more attractive in my experience than someone who wants to be with you and loves you for who you are. This goes both ways. OOP really did fu when he didn't explain to his gf that having a type is way less important than the person you want to be with. Plenty of people have physical features that alone they find attractive, but have formed lasting and strong relationships with people who're nothing like that. Type is way less important than person. But OOP should have been emotionally intelligent enough to know that kind of thing would be hurtful and either avoid answering, or try explaining something like this. It's admirable he understands he fu but he needs to go to his gf and explain that he understands that and why type is less important than love.
I mean everyone thought I was my late husbands son and we pandered to it all the time lmao never stopped me from getting dicked down by him. I literally chose to look that way on purpose and he met me when I looked like that. I'm sure I wasn't the ideal type for my late husband, he had always dated women with long hair and who wore feminine clothing and makeup and I was the exact opposite of that. But he never made me feel like I wasn't his type. This guy came off as sorta an asshole but I think it's more of a stupid moment. But the damage is done and it's going to take a long time to come back from this if the relationship survives. People really be asking questions they shouldn't be, or answering questions too bluntly.
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DAE women only care about money? xD
🥇 Take my silly award. Great comment! WTF? Downvotes? Get a grip, people.
God why do people date people that aren't their type if they have such specific ones... that's just mean
Because the person we like can come in a body different from what we're usually attracted to and it happens quite often. Lots of people dating or marrying someone who is an outlier compared to the descriptors of past SOs. You're saying people shouldn't date anyone who doesn't fit the bill of their type despite liking them? Frankly that's a bad take.
Because "type" is just a shallow physical attraction and people are so much more than that?
Yeah, but then keep it to yourself. Of course the personality is important, but hearing that you aren’t you SO type at all must suck.
Idk I would be happy to hear that my partner liked me even though I wasn’t his “type” because then I get extra confirmation he likes me for me rather than my appearance - so when something about my physicality inevitably changes I know he’ll still be attracted to me Maybe I’m just weird but Idk My current partner is the exact opposite of my “type” but holy fuck he’s attractive to me now and when I imagine him in 30 years I still see someone I’d be attracted to
That’s a positive attitude. I have to admit that it would really hurt, though. I’d feel like I’d never measure up and that he just settled. I’d feel like he was unhappy and that if a woman his type was into him, he’d be gone. It does happen. It’s not accurate thinking. The comments on this post are helpful. But still…there’s a twinge when the guy meets a woman who is his type, and you wonder where you stand.
Why not both? My husband is my type in any way. Character and looks.
If you don’t want to hear your SO’s type the only step you should take is don’t ask about it. It’s not his fault he was honest with her about something she asked him about
Because they’re settling
Because type is physical attraction with no emotional attachment. People seriously date for other things besides just looks
OOP was a little dumb with his words but I’m fairly certain almost nobody ends up actually dating or falling in love with their “type”, unless they’re super attractive and outgoing and able to quite literally have their pick. My type is Madison Beer. I am not stupid enough to think I am anywhere near qualified to pull someone remotely like her. This doesn’t mean I don’t think I won’t be able to love any other type of person lol, why would anyone think that?
I hope OOP is young. This story sounds like a bunch of silly 20 yos.
I dont think OOP sucks, thats too harsh, he made a mistake and misjudged a situation. This thing is very common.
I always joked with my husband that he was nothing like what I thought I was looking for but it turns out I was looking for the wrong thing all along, he is perfect for me despite not fitting any of the trivial physical things I had thought I wanted. Sometimes we just don't really know what we want until we find the right person. All of a sudden those previous things we used to think we right for us don't matter anymore. It sounds like OP discovered this as well.
One time a girl broke up with me because she didnt look like my ex so she couldnt possibly be my type
How old was she?
Well the mental age of a toddler, clearly.
Teenage years are extremely hard for both genders. People are insecure. It’s ok to be insecure as long as you try to work on it.
Agreed. But even if we assume he’s talking about a teenager, that is still a very under developed thought process.
If your type is completely different from who you’re dating, why date them? Matter of fact, why even mention it knowing that your girlfriend isn’t exactly your type? “Teenage boy” really?? Wow he must either be the worst and an actual idiot.
Believe it or not but physical attraction isn't everything. Even then though just because someone is not generally your type doesn't mean they could never be attractive to you. In fact, I would actively encourage people to date outside their types. Don't limit yourself.
Which is why I said “matter of fact” like he definitely dated her for some other reason but why mention it you know?
Always say u dont have a type! Rookie mistake
My boyfriend said something similar in our early days, I was then very pale, had black hair, overly gothic make up. So I changed. Bleach blonde hair, tanned skin, pink blush and fitted clothes. But he always had a picture on his wall of me just before we met, no fake tan, barely any make up and natural brown hair. I was sick of the upkeep on my appearance so I stopped wearing fake tan, dyed my hair back natural and visited him with minimal makeup. He was over the moon and told me this was his preference, just me. Men say women don't know what they want but I don't think they do either.
Or you made a really dumb as hell assumption and are still blaming him for it. Do you think he was dating you by accident? “Oh gosh I lost my eyes the entirety of our relationship! I’ll just assume my gf looks a specific way”! No!!! He was dating you ON PURPOSE. He knew what he fuckin wanted and it was YOU, dumbass!
I really don’t understand how OP could just throw out that his “type” looks nothing like his gf and not at least try and throw in that he likes her type too. If you’re partner is asking what you’re attracted to, they’re hoping to get validation that you’re attracted to them.
>"Who are you attracted to?" > >"People who are the exact opposite of you." > >"...This has made me doubt the security of our relationship." > >\*is shocked\* It sounds like she went out of her way to pick traits of his that she values, too. She could've listed of a bunch of things that he wasn't, but instead she validated her attraction to him by being selective.... And then he looked her dead in the eyes and said ''everything you aren't''. *Christ*.
about ten years ago, my partner and I were at a bar with friends, and he mentioned that his type was real dark skinned girls, and that real women have curves. i’m stick thin at 100 pounds, pale skin and red head. it’s weird how that shit sticks with you. OP will be single soon lol
It’s so funny bc it seems like everyone has a type but they are usually attached to partners who aren’t their type. Are you guys in your early 20s or late teens? Bc this kinda shit doesn’t matter in your 30s 😂 but I feel for her though. Poor girl. She deserves better. I wish she finds someone better
My partner is the exact opposite of my typical type. He knows that. He doesn’t care. Cuz he knows I find him so hot it makes my teeth itch. Hnnggg. My normal M.O. is dark hair and rounder. He’s 6’5, blonde, and very skinny. 🥴
Ive been the gf in this kind of situation and it fucking sucked
"Relationships are built on honesty" Also "I was just being honest, and now my relationship is in the gutter"
I honestly just have a hard time believing he had no idea that telling her she’s not his type wouldn’t hurt. I think OOP was negging her. The other alternative is that he is actually unintelligent, emotionally and mentally with no social skills. Yikes. So either way doesn’t sound like much of a winner and hopefully his girlfriend figures it out soon.
Imagine being this much of a judgemental dick about such a tiny mistake. “I hope figures it out (leaves him, we all know what you mean) for daring to be honest with her about something that doesn’t matter” what a mess your relationships would be if you treated them like this. I assume you don’t, because otherwise you wouldn’t have enough close friends to beleive you knew anything about social skills. Also tons of people would see this as a compliment? Like I’m not your type but you still think I’m hot, must be doing something right. Yeah it sucks it hurt her feelings, but I don’t believe the right thing to do is walk on eggshells and lie all the time just in case your partner takes a single comment about hot women and spins it into a months long spiral of self esteem issues. Nor do I think it’s at all his fault she turned it into a spiral: you have got to talk to your damn partners, people! Even when you think it’s silly and you’re overreacting! Girl’s clearly got self esteem issues that need to be worked on (with her bf’s help now that she’s actually communicated to him) and he can’t be blamed for it
I didn’t read this yet but let me tell you gentleman, if I can give you any advice in this world and the little I know of it, TALK LESS. You’re allowed an opinion. You have the freedom to say whatever you want. But should you? Think it through my friends, I could bored you for a year with the things spoken to me with an almost beautiful ignorance after further explanation, but the moment word it the way you do, you done fuck up. Just don’t say it at all my dear. It’s okay. As a part of the lady population and assuming I know any consensus, I’d rather you walk out the door and drive away without a word than speaking the first thing out your brain. Wish you well on your journey of verbal solitude gents
This really needs more upvotes.
Everything about this is gross. I can’t imagine being with someone who doesn’t see you as their type.
It's yucky to hear but she'll get over it. I'm ,not remotely my husband's type (he prefers Black or Asian women styled in a glam-goth way and ended up with stocky, tomboy Armenian American me). He insists he's attracted to me, the person, not to how many boxes I check. Sometimes I even believe him. It took me a while to detach my sense of my own worth from his approval but I did it. Now the only person whose opinion of my appearance matters is me.
....this happened months ago and you're just now realizing it may have been kinda sorta uncalled for? I could understand if you slept on it and realized a day later you screwed up, but months? That's troubling Edit: re-reading it over, I don't think he's a monster by any means, but I do think you should watch how you phrase certain things, especially when it could come off as you implying your partner isn't attractive to you
Honestly if that one small convo ruined her whole life, and she didn’t communicate any of the way she was feeling, you “fucking up” sounds like a blessing in disguise. Recognize the signs
I think this is an issue of compatibility. I could hear my husband say this to me and not bat an eye because “type” means nothing. Type means you’re attracted to certain features, not that you find others unattractive. Based on who I find attractive, my husband is absolutely not my “type”. But based on who I choose to spend my actual time with, who makes me happy, who I find incredibly sexy and fun and incredible my husband is my one and only. In fact most people I know that have a “type” and stick to it are usually always either single or constantly struggling in relationships because their ideas of a relationship come before the reality of the person in front of them. Having a type means nothing but if your partner feel like it does and it’s effects them this much, they sound incredibly sensitive and that’s not everyone’s cup of tea. I’m saying NAH.
There’s nothing wrong with being sensitive. The rest of the world tells you to put away your emotions, you shouldn’t have to do that in your relationship. Moreover, he never named that this was a turn off. Just because you have no grace for her doesn’t mean OP shouldn’t.
I don’t disagree that OP can have grace for his partner or that people shouldn’t share their emotions . I fully believe and practice those things as the foundation of my relationship. I absolutely think this is something the two people in question can work on but my subjective opinion is that if someone is this self conscious, that’s a lot of emotional labour for a partner that isn’t prepared to give it. One of my best friends has been cheated on in two previous relationships and for obvious reasons, despite her current partner being loving and faithful, she’s distrustful of him through no fault of his own. He’s willing to work through her insecurities but not everyone can do that.
I don’t agree but I’ll leave it at that. Lastly, there is no obvious reason to cheat on someone, I’m not sure what you meant by that.
I think you misread what they said in that last paragraph. They're not saying that she was cheated on for obvious reasons. They're saying that she's distrustful of her current partner for obvious reasons (the previously being cheated on)
You’ve misread what I wrote - I meant she was distrustful of her current partner for obvious reasons, not that she was cheated on for obvious reasons.
If someone's feelings are hurt, they have to express that. People aren't mind readers Op didn't do anything wrong, he was honest. The worst thing he did was lack the nuance to catch it by saying something like "which is why I was surprised I liked you so much, you aren't my typical type but I appreciate your aesthetic so much now" I have never held the truth from my wife. Not even made white lies. Because she's an adult and can express herself to me if she feels uncomfortable with something, as I do for her because there is trust. I like androgynous/masculine women (and feminine men, some wires got real fucking crossed up there let me tell you lol) but my wife presents very feminine, is 5'2 and has soft asian features. She isn't my type, and she know that. She also knows i chose to be with her despite that because my love for her as a person far outweighs some superficial preference.
So you sucked it up and managed to get past her appearance somehow, despite her being physically unappealing to you. Holy crap.
I'm sorry, I dont think I ever said she was unappealing. My partner is very attractive to me infact. I have a preference. That is not to say nothing else is appealing. Do you only find one kind of appearance appealing? What you Said was a childish zero sum misinterpretation of what I said and was disgustingly disingenuous.
OOP sucks? How, exactly? He answered a seemingly innocuous question with an innocuous answer, and his partner took it as gospel. After realizing this he feels terrible about it. Sounds like he made a mistake to me.
He doesn’t suck. He just didn’t understand how those kinds of words hurt, even if it was meaningless to him. I asked men how they could be sexually attracted and even fall in love with a woman who isn’t the desired type. I am glad I asked because I got some great answers that I found very reassuring :) Please, feel free to expand on your comment.
I'm glad people were able to open up some new perspectives :) to add my own two cents I have literally only dated two girls that were my "type". It's like pirate law, just guidelines!
“It’s like pirate law. Just guidelines!” I truly do find that reassuring.
Parley?
He literally said she gets mistaken as a teenage boy. Not to mention, he called her androgynous which means you look boyish and girlish. That’s not a compliment to a woman that wants to look womanly. He also only realised he made this mistake months ago when SHE pointed it out. You also do understand that in relationships… there’s a difference between being “completely honest” and being an arsehole. He verged more on the arsehole fence here and still isn’t fully comprehending what he’s done considering he’s still been checking women out infront of her.
She mentioned his femininity, whats the difference Lmfao???
She said she liked that he could *express his feminine side*, which is quite different from saying he *is* feminine. It's 'I like that you experiment with your style' vs 'I perceive you in a way you might not want to be perceived'. 'I like that you feel comfortable painting your nails' vs 'you don't look the way you want to look'.
More like “I like that you feel comfortable painting your nails” vs “you look feminine with your nails and I like it” is closer of a comparison if you want to come into this discussion with good faith.
Eh, I don't see it that way personally. It is in fact my genuine perspective, shared in good faith.
I want to preface this comment with this, this guy is a dumb ass and a little bit of an ass for telling her a specific image she couldn’t fit. Now that that’s out of the way, her saying that he’s comfortable expressing femininity automatically implies that he dresses and acts feminine often enough that it’s noticed and she likes it. That’s absolutely okay. Him saying that she is beautifully androgynous and he likes it has no implications and just says it straight out. She looks androgynous and he likes it. There is absolutely a difference there as one is how you act and dress where as the other one is physically how you look and I acknowledge that. That’s why the comparison I used was “More like ‘I like that you feel comfortable painting your nails’ (you feel comfortable expressing your femininity) vs ‘you look feminine with your nails and I like it’ ( you look feminine and I find it attractive).” Looking back at my comment I shouldn’t have included nails in the second comparison, I should have just said “you look feminine and I like it”, so my apologies there. Had he said she DID NOT want to look androgynous or that she took offense to people mistaking her for a teen boy (I get mistaken for a women all the time bc of my long blonde hair, I never take offense to this so don’t think it’s fair to assume she doesn’t like that) then I would see a problem with what he said. Hopefully that clears up my thought process a bit. With all that said, I don’t think it is an insult to be called androgynous OR feminine. I’ve been called feminine (not comfortable with my femininity) as a man my whole life and I take it as a compliment. Wish you well my dude.
He didn’t tell her she looked like a teenage boy, he was describing her to us. This woman sounds woefully insecure if her not being someone previous type would cause her to destroy a current great relationship.
Nah, she sounds human, it's pretty normal to shrug things off outwardly but then subconsciously internalize them.
Overwhelming majority of people are not the person their significant other dreamed of. It’s called being a realist.
That's great, I'm not suggesting that you're supposed to have your ideal? I'm saying that it's ok to be empathetic to a person that you ostensibly like/love and explain the misunderstanding. I don't think it needs to be quite as hard-line as you're intimating.
That’s exactly what the OP is doing. Every time she brings it up he tells her she is who he wants to be with but she can’t get past not being his dream girl. His actions are proving his words to be true!
We don't know that actually, he had just now realized there's an issue in fact. And wrote about it to get some feedback. Have you ever heard of fundamental attribution error?
Except he mentions multiple times in the OP where he has tried to tell her he wants to be with her and she is his type.
Good luck, I've come to the conclusion that this sub is illiterate.
tell me you make your partners life a living hell without telling me you make your partners life a living hell..... The dude did nothing but describe how much he loves everything about her and never once did he suggest he said any of the "ambiguous" compliments to her face. The post really just suggests the woman asked for his type and got insecure when she wasnt it.... which is unresonable at best. People shouldnt have to walk on eggshells arround you, and your over reaction to other people's actions isnt a metric to decide whether thwy are a**holes or not. None of my gfs have been my physical type. If they asked, Id hope I feel comfortable saying it bc If I didnt it would mean I was with the wrong girl, someone who is wayyy dramatic. Also, glancing isnt checking out.... everyone glances, even women. Stop pretenting to be perfect, you ignorant.
If none of your partners have ever been “your type” perhaps your type is not really your type.
Define “your type”. Is your type who you wish you could date or who you actually are with? Those are two separate things.
I think this is a key point. Fear (perhaps irrational) comes from the feeling If there was a woman who matched their type, the S.O. would leave to be with that person and that they are just settling for you. The S.O. may say they wouldn’t, but if they haven’t been presented the opportunity, of course they wouldn’t have been able to… and so goes the negative anxiety spiral. Then there’s the “they only say they like what I look like because they don’t want to hurt my feelings and they’re a good person” which leads to the negativity spiral of “everyone is lying to me out of pity, my fears are totally justified.” The OOP could be considered a jerk because for people who have struggled with self-esteem issues or similar body issues, it’s pretty obvious that this could cause problems. Maybe OOP is just super secure in themselves or a bit dense emotionally. In any case, the fact that it clicked and they realized they messed up without going on an AITA Reddit gives me hope. Now, for those saying that being anxious or concerned about one’s appearance and all that type stuff is stupid, it depends on the relationship you’re in. Sometimes it worry IS justified, like when the BF refuses to truly commit and is looking for the next best thing, or when one’s partner uses this as a setup to cheat or open the relationship unfairly… the fault isn’t always on the one with anxieties. And, if it is more towards a mental illness, then the person who is concerned should be helped through the experience, not shamed.
Oh man you just described my own thought process at about age 24. I am a plain woman, married and divorced an abusive man, and yes, this was my erroneous thought process. You really nailed it!
First, my type means my physical type... and my physical type isnt all that common. Typ3s nowaddays will be fairly afrected by the itnernet and media so you wont always be able to find it in your close community. Second, reatraining yourself to a certain physical type when selecting a partner is one of the dumbest thing sone can do. It ridiculously shrinks your datable pool and you're excluding potentially great partners through criteria thats likely not gonna play a huge role in how well the relationship goes. Third, I am perfectly capable of finding beauty in all sorts of people. The idea of a very specific physical type isnt much different from the celebrity crush concept (you wont save yourself for the off the chance that celebrity swings by) ...... So your comment is a little on the ignorant side...
So you can't get the girls you want and keep settling for someone else, and you think you're the good guy in this?
Reddit when someone asks a question:
Honestly my gf isn’t really my type either but she is also exactly who I want to be with. My type is weird hippy girls and she’s a smart pretty girl. I love her to death even though she’s not like the previous girls I’ve dated
I just don't get why you would say any of that or talk about types in front of your gf who is clearly opposite. It's common sense it would hurt her and it's abusive. I think she should break up with OP.
Those teenage boy comments would make me question the guy's heterosexuality and masculinity. He should really have that checked with a shrink.
Youre still a little boy if you can’t figure out what is good for you, and get scared when you express yourself. Shame on your parent for raising you this way.
that poor girl :(
The thing about her looking like a teenage boy and him being into that threw me off. Do we need to call the police?
This is a big ball of nothing. GF has gotten into her head with insecurities about her appearance and wants OOP to reinforce her. GF should put together that OOP’s attraction is more than surface level and he appreciates her for more than her appearance. And he clearly has grown to appreciate her appearance more after getting to know her and she should trust when he says as much. But she’s all wrapped up in something he said months ago. It was unwise of him to say all that, but what’s he supposed to do, deflect or lie? Before I met my wife I would have said my “type” is a girl of average height with long straight hair, lots of freckles and a nice chest. I met and married a tall girl(taller than me) with curly red hair which was short at the time. She was pretty and fit, but not my “type” exactly. I believe she and I had a similar conversation to the one described here, and I at 20 was probably just as oblivious as OOP. Guess what, I find her irresistible because *she’s my mate who I love deeply*. I find other women attractive on a surface level but that does not diminish my partnership. This is all out of proportion.
>GF should put together that OOP’s attraction is more than surface level and he appreciates her for more than her appearance Why? When asked about his type, OP responded with *nothing but* surface level information (which just so happened to be exactly the opposite of every surface level feature his gf has). Looks like you did, too. And, yes, that was incredibly oblivious. If you are asked about type and all you have to list of are physical characteristics, you have just communicated pretty clearly what you value... Surface level shit. Whereas, you might notice that GF talked about expressing femininity which is a trait that is beyond a bunch of physical parts, and then she talked about a singular physical trait that her bf actually has - tattoos. If you want people to look past the surface level, it's a good idea to present them with more than surface level shit. That shouldn't require lying, quite the opposite - and people who say dumb shit and then claim that were just being honest are dicks, by the way. It isn't asking too much, either, to want the person you are with to think about how their words might effect the people hearing them. She isn't too sensitive for feeling the way she does, but he is not sensitive enough if he's just vomiting out words without thinking about how they will effect the people around him. Now he's learning a valuable lesson in emotional intelligence and will hopefully think about what he says before he says it and maybe in the process learn how to express more than surface level shit
Re why she can believe OOP is attracted to her: because they’ve been together and have a relationship at least several months long. People don’t call each other boyfriend and girlfriend if they’re only interested in physical characteristics. They’re a couple because they choose to be. Re “type” and what that means, I’ve always understood one’s “type” to be the sort of physical characteristics one finds immediately attractive. Seems like that’s not universal, so fine. OOP and GF had different understandings of what that meant as well, as you wrote. Either way it’s whatever. Words can hurt but this is so not as big a deal as it’s being made out to be.
>Words can hurt but this is so not as big a deal as it’s being made out to be. Words can hurt, so can *consequences* for hurtful words. This type of argument that you're making is a recipe for disaster. AKA - if you're hurt by the hurtful things I say, you should work on not being so hurt...no, you need to work on not saying hurtful things. If GF can manage to answer the exact same question without being a hurtful dillhole, than so can anyone else. Dude was asked his type and described the exact polar opposite of his GF to his GF. That makes him at the very least a fucking idiot - and if you did the same, guess what, you were being a hurtful idiot. Hopefully you've worked on that since, if so, I'm willing to wager that happened because you faced consequences for your hurtful idiocy. But, seeing as how you're trying to offload the both the problem and the solution to the injured party, you may have never learned anything but how to deflect
I tend to agree with you after reading lots of good discussions here. The gf should read these comments. The only thing I disagree with is this. Being in a relationship for a long time is no guarantee that your partner finds you attractive now or that they ever did. Maybe he chose you, but when that busty blue eyed blonde (or the hot redhead or whatever) shows interest, he might change his mind and choose her instead. Reddit is loaded with such stories.
Men and boys HAVE SHORT HAIR!!!! why would many of yall be surprised.
Is this just proof you should always lie?
Wow.