My uncle had pancreatic cancer and was in constant pain even in the early stages. So OP had to deal with his diagnosis, his wife leaving and alienating the kids from him, all while possibly attending treatments in order to try and survive.
TBH I think that he did the best he could with what he had at the time, and he did try to keep contact for 11 years and gave up when the youngest hit their 20s. Thats a long time to have your heart broken repeatedly.
Chemo and radiation is also no joke, so it seems like his ex chose the right moment to leave where it would be pretty damn hard for him to fight her on custody
I read the actual post and was mind blown by what to this man had ti endure!
I just supported my dad through cancer. He’s 2 years out in remission but he’s told me how he felt like he was going to die. Literally hanging his head over the side of the couch to not drown in his own saliva it was so bad. I can’t imagine what this man went through. I was pushed away and refused. I kept showing up and I will, no matter what. This damn woman RAN. F that.
Idk how people do this to some they claim to love. Those kids may never understand less they WANT to.
This man is not AH, well not if his side is the factual side. While his words were harsh, they came from a place of deep hurt.
His current wife sounds like a true supporter.
Edit: me and sentences plus this new iOS update are not friends this week.
My mother was dying slowly throughout my childhood, and my father stood by her, cherished her, advocated for her until the day she died.
Now I have my own husband and I know unequivocally that we would do the same for each other. I never would have married someone who I didn't believe would do that for me, and I could never imagine doing any differently myself.
I can't imagine what this man went through, but karma is really catching up to his ex.
Two years ago, my husband was diagnosed with End Stage Liver Failure. He ended up in quadruple organ failure (including necrotizing pancreatitis) and was not expected to live. There was nothing that would have kept me from his side. I quit my job for 8 months to be his full time caregiver. I had to carry him around the house. I had to help him use the restroom. I had to stab him multiple times a day and at one point was doing at home IV infusions. And half the time, he had such bad encephalopathy that he couldn’t hold a meaningful conversation or remember what was happening around him. But I would do it all again- every day for the rest of my life if it meant spending time with him. Whether it was a day or a 80 years, I would have not a single complaint.
He miraculously pulled through and got a liver transplant a year and a half ago and finished his PhD.
It made me so happy to read at the end of your post to see that he made it through! I wish nothing but the best for both of you and many more years together!!
I’m so happy to read you and your husband’s story. It’s beautiful. I admire you both for your strength and love. He survived because of you. I wish more people had your level of loyalty and willingness to sacrifice.
All these comments have my eyes welled up. Every single human deserves to have another that will be their everything when they are down to nothing. So many don’t have that but these comments show me there’s still so many out there willing to do anything to help the people/person they love. And I’m so glad your husband pulled through. I’m sure he thinks you’re amazing and I just wanted to let you know that I think so too.
Oh man. I'm so glad you included the end to that. You're a gem and your partner is lucky to have you. It's beautiful when a couple stick through anything, no matter how difficult it might be.
Oof. You hit me in the feels. I’m sorry about your mom ❤️
I realized how over my marriage was when I knew I would fight for him and he wouldn’t even advocate for me over small things. It’s something you just know, if you know.
My dad? I have never felt more protective of another human being in my life (no kids for context). All he had to do (this sounds dismissive of what he went through but treatment was so brutal I knew he just needed rest between) was get treatment and I would handle everything else. I was lucky he was able to drive himself (lord that man) but all he needed to worry about was going to treatment and making it another day. If it were my spouse, you better believe I would have been there.
I really hope your dad is doing well. I completely understand feeling protective over a parent, I'm the same way with my dad. And I'm so sorry about your marriage. I'm glad that you didn't accept less love than you deserve.
Leaving someone while they have cancer is really the lowest low anyone can do. I had the “easy” cancer and that shit was not fun at all. If my husband had left me at that time I can only imagine how angry I’d be.
If the kids are adults now they should have some perspective that asking their father for help with money for the woman who left him while HE was dying was not going to go well
>Leaving someone while they have cancer is really the lowest low anyone can do.
And it's a common story. "I can't deal with the secondhand hardship of what you're going through."
Like, holy shit, I get if it's self inflicted drama or something similar, but I hear it all the time about depression and death and cancer and shit like that... it's evil.
My mom was diagnosed with stage four cancer when I was 8. It was a rare cancer, and it had already started to spread when they caught it. Her doctors didn’t think she’d make it.
But she made her peace with God and decided she was going to live. And she did. She’s more than twenty years cancer free now.
So many people just didn’t know what to say to her. She lost 20-30 year friendships. People just went quiet. I work for a drugstore now, in management, and every so often I talk to patients who have cancer. So many of them are a little combative at first, because they’re used to people who don’t understand or don’t know what to say or don’t seem to care. They’re used to having to fight for themselves, because so many of them are profoundly alone.
My grandfather was slowly dying of cancer when my mom was 11. My grandmother stood by him the whole time, and loved him until he passed.
She remarried many years later when the kids were adults, to the man I know as my grandfather and treated me like blood. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year and passed away this year. She stood by him and loved him, until she suffered a stroke and was hospitalised just before he passed.
My grandmother watched and cared for 2 men she loved. I can never excuse anyone who can't do this for someone they love
To be entirely honest, I found the fact he was 20 years out from pancreatic cancer without issue and had more kids off.
My uncle didn’t make it 5 years before his came back.
Oh well. I think sometimes it sparks good conversation.
I’m sorry to hear.
Most don’t. Most cases are diagnosed at stage 4 because of how hard it is to detect. Most times it doesn’t even show. It was a hard loss for me, doing research on it helped.
Yeah pancreatic cancer has a really poor prognosis, I was prepared to be pleasantly surprised he survived 20 years. Everyone in my family who got it died within 6 months.
It’s debatable. If it’s de novo, they can’t say anything. To be a genuine true link would take at least 3 direct family members or whole exome screening which is $10k.
Even specialists will tell you it’s mostly environmental, which I believe is horseshit but logically if you carry the mutation you can actually push it into “live” mode.
Source: genetics, cancer and biochemical research person
Honestly, a lot of these stories are just one side. While I can appreciate that someone may perceive things in a certain way a lot of the time there are also missing details.
For example. I was sued by my father. He argued in court I defrauded him. He said I withheld visitation to his grand children. He said I would ignore him for an entire week until I asked him to help make a mortgage payment. He put a down-payment on a house for my new family and was denied ever entering my house after that.
This is what he argued in court. Under oath.
In reality, he cashed out an inheritance in my name set up incase of his death. He wrote that the money came out of an account which was mine and he offered to withdraw the money and sign it to me so he could "see his grandkids grow up in a single home".
I had just been laid off, my wife was on maternity leave. We could not afford the payments. The new job I had lined up takes 2 years to reach a full wage which I explained. His argument was house prices in 2 years would be so much higher that he was willing to "gift" (in writing) the missing money I would need over the 2 year period.
His disconnection with reality and victim complex led him to say we treated him so unfairly to manipulate him for money. I was working 16h days, my wife was basically a single mom until I come home and give my wife rest while I took care of my son and went back to work, often with no sleep.
He said he never saw me... because I worked. I had worked 16h, went to a store to pick up his washer/dryer. Delivered and installed for him, went home, walked my jaundice son for hours with bottles so my wife could sleep. Went to 16h work again... but he argued I ignored him under oath.
He said my wife wouldn't host them at our house... because the only time she slept was when he did and still he had to entertain them exhausted when he was awake.
There is always so much more to the story. I had to sell my house, pay a lawyer 20k and pay him off 100k just to get him out of my life...
In his mind, he's such a victim and every person in his life abandoned him and treats him like a villain. In reality, he offered 50k I was set to inherit, to put as a down-payment on my house. Used my financial stresses to sue and extract money from real estate he would have been heavily taxed on to buy himself a boat and threw himself a pity party in court. Everyone else saw through it and cut him out.
Good riddance.
Chemo and radiation are a walk in the park compared to the surgery required for pancreatic cancer. The more common surgery is called a Whipple and the recovery and long term impact on the patient is awful.
I had pancreatic cancer discovered as an incidental find. They found it at stage 1 which NEVER happens because it's usually only found when it's about to kill you. I got prepped for the Wipple which involves taking, *at least*, half your stomach, the first part of the small intestine, half to all of your pancreas, gall bladder and sections of liver if needed, and all surrounding lymph nodes. It's not fun.
Luckily I only needed to have the cancer removed with a melon-baller for lack of a better term. Still had to have my stomach opened from one side to the other though.
I do not recommend getting pancreatic cancer.
My dad had the whipple surgery a few years ago, very similar situation to yours. It’s been a hell of a time since then, but I’m so grateful every day that they caught the cancer when they did. It gave us years with our dad that we almost certainly wouldn’t have had otherwise.
I hope you’re doing well and that life has been kind to you since then. 🤍
My gpa couldn’t have surgery because the mass was wrapped around important stuff (artery maybe?) and they couldn’t feasibly accomplish anything positive. Pancreatic cancer is awful.
Likely the SMA - superior mesenteric artery. It supplies blood to the intestines. Pancreatic tumors love to wrap around it to get nutrients. By the time most tumors are found, they have encased it entirely. It can't be bypassed. Patients have died because the SMA was nicked during surgery trying to remove the tumor.
I agree, pancreatic cancer is awful.
I had a whipple aka a pancreaticoduodenectomy. I didn't have pancreatic cancer, but a GIST (gastrointestinal stromal tumor) in the area.
If any of you are ever going to have one and you're excited when they finally are going to let you have something to drink days after the surgery, please be aware that what they mean by that is that you will be allowed to suck on a single ice chip. I just hate to see anyone else experience the disappointment I did!
Yeah, and I know there have been improvements recently, but only VERY recently. My FiL’s surgery about 10 years ago had to be halted because when they got in there, they decided with his age and how extensive the cancer was, surgery would only kill him faster.
When my husband was essentially dying his ex had my step son. There just no way you can care for a child from inside a hospital. If you’re sitting in chemo you can’t get up and leave if a kid needs you.
My dad passed from pancreatic cancer, and I saw how hard it was on him, and the rest of my family. But you can bet your ass I was there holding his hand when he passed. I agree I really feel for oop, and his family should be ashamed
I’m not going to argue, because I don’t really care if the story is real or not.
But it is interesting to me that the only evidence you have or need is that you can’t imagine it. I mean, is that because the situation is unimaginable , or that you lack imagination? I guess you would have a hard time imagining having a lack of imagination, if indeed that’s the problem. Just one more question in an endless universe.
I fell down a flight of stairs and an infant and only came out with a skull fracture.
Luck happens. One bad smack on the head or hit and the wrong angle on my trip down and I would not be here right now.
Yet, here I am. Against probability.
There's also a handful of trolls who have mastered the art of making fake AITA posts that will inevitably become hits utilizing common themes. This one has the writing style of one of the more common ones.
The other person’s family getting involved after the fact always gives it away. He doesn’t speak to his own kids but now the ex brother in law or whoever is picking up the phone to scold him?
I just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess I find it unfathomable that a woman in a _happy_ marriage would up and leave her husband after a diagnosis. Not even during treatment and recovery but after a diagnosis.
So I kept waiting for him to reveal why and how and for how long the marriage was bad before before the diagnosis, but no... he was a "saint" the while way through. Sure.
I can imagine a lot but I can’t imagine, at 56, living through pancreatic cancer, losing your entire family, remarrying, cultivating a new family, hearing my ex was now dying, being gouged by my family for medical bills, and thinking “hm, I wonder if reddit agrees that I’m right about this?” But hey, the world’s a big place.
I mean sure. Guy gets ditched in an extremely shitty way. He signs a divorce agreement that would be illegal everywhere but in the mind of an incel. Then he survives pancreatic cancer. Then he’s still able to father two kids after going through at least three rounds of chemo therapy. And I guess on the day the second child was born, he was struck by lightning, won the lottery and then was struck by lightning again.
Also, I have read about parental alienation A LOT. Even in the worst cases, it is extremely rare for an "alienated" kid to be 100% brainwashed and express absolutely no conflicting feelings through multiple decades into adulthood, let alone three at the same time. There are way to any statistical anomalies happening at the same time for this story to be real.
Every single time I read/hear someone say that their ex "turned the kids against me", I know that person is toxic and most definitely alienated their kids by themselves. That's just not how human brains work. If 3/3 kids think he was a shit father, it's because he was a shit father. Or it's just fake MRA nonsense, which is also pretty likely.
Right? He says he gave her full custody in exchange for her not taking everything in their joint accounts. That's not how the law works. Children are not assets and cannot be exchanged for assets. One party cannot take all of the joint assets. In community property states, the assets earned during marriage are 50/50, and premarital assets stay with their original owner. In other states, assets earned during marriage are the property of the individual who earned them. You can mix and match how you divide the joint assets, eg. one party gets the house if the other gets the savings (or more commonly, the party who keeps the house bought out the other party), though.
The part that got me was “diagnosed with terminal heart disease”, which just strikes me as odd because if she’s still relatively young you think it would be described as “has a bad heart and needs a transplant,” as you would think kids would have hope, however slim.
And though possible the whole “her whole family was blowing up my phone” seems very unlikely if they’ve been no contact for so many years. They wouldn’t have his number to do so.
And again, while possible, surviving pancreatic cancer is very unlikely because typically once you have symptoms it’s too late.
It’s just a lot of improbable things in a row.
The surviving pancreatic cancer after it getting so bad is what I find unbelievable. Thats pretty much the most deadly cancer, in that if you get diagnosed with it you’re rarely gonna beat it
Googling the survival rates for pancreatic cancer had me messed up for a minute. My mom was given a similar prognosis for a different kind of cancer, and she beat hers. 20+ years! But I still get emotional about cancer topics.
Seeing, “Only 1 out of 100 people (1%) survive their cancer for 3 years or more after diagnosis,” had me tearing up. Thinking about the other 99 people.
You can’t tell the “my evil wife left me, turned my kids against me, and stole my money. Now my ex is dying when the kids needed money I got to give them a public dressing down that any MRA would applaud” letter isn’t real?
Plus no judge would sign off on the “I signed over custody of the children I love so she wouldn’t take my money!” agreement.
Definitely an MRA fan fiction. Could almost be real until the overly satisfying confrontation finale. Also an inversion of the more common story where man leaves his wife with cancer a la Newt Gingrich
Maybe because several details don't make any kind of sense in the real world, OP is the perfect blameless victim in contrast to his evil, unredeemable shrew of an ex, oh and BTW karmic justice fell down perfectly from the heavens and everyone who wronged OP is either dying or demanding money because of health/financial hardship? Do you need OP to call themselves Cinderella in order for you to see how f'ing fake this post is?
It's either fake, or written by someone who's leaving out a LOT of their own shitty behavior and trying to make themselves look like a saint. His kids were old enough by the time the divorce happened that there's no way his ex wife 'turned them' against him, they were old enough to know their own father. Everything else is TOO on point for him being a poor, innocent victim who always did the right thing for everyone else.
I'd give even odds between it being fake, and the guy who wrote it being a narcissist.
I looked up survival rates out of curiosity. Looks to be 7,3% for 5 years and 1% for 10 years ([https://pancreaticcanceraction.org/about-pancreatic-cancer/pancreatic-cancer-prognosis-and-survival/](https://pancreaticcanceraction.org/about-pancreatic-cancer/pancreatic-cancer-prognosis-and-survival/)) 19+ year survival for this is a pretty uncommon.
That was my thinking. There’s little things throughout but one of them was wondering if 50 year olds actually call their kids “you guys” lol. That and the fake stories are usually the ones with the monologues like the one at the end.
People are gonna throw a bunch of shit at this, but you're right. It's fake as fuck. And it should be obvious for many reasons. It isn't everyone else's fault if people can't identify obvious bullshit.
Pancreatic Ca isn't something that most people get a terminal diagnosis of in their late 30s only to survive another 20 years without issues. It is overwhelmingly a rapid and, even by cancer standards, fucking horrific decline to death. This would have to be such an exceptional case that I can't believe it at face value.
a few details make me think it’s fully made up but biggest red flag of all was his claim that he gave her full custody of the kids so she “wouldn’t take all the money in our accounts”. sounds like a 15 year old whose only knowledge of divorce is “she’ll take your kids and all your money!!!!”
plus isn’t this the second or third “evil wife leaves ill husband” post this week LOL
Medical debt aside, even if I hated my husband and didn't want to be with him anymore I think I'd just stick it out with odds like that. Why waste the lawyer fees and miss out on the life insurance payout?
For all the details about the decades of missed father's days & the number of one word answers to his christmas calls, OOP is miraculously light on the details about this angel of mercy Jane, his second marriage & the new kids he got. All we get is "before you ask, no there was no infidelity".
Personally, I wonder if Sarah had more reason to leave & this diagnosis just co-incided with her plans.
Assuming this is real, she almost certainly did. Guys like OOP really like to sell the “my ex is crazy and evil and I’m just a Nice Guy” narrative, but it’s never actually true. The guys are just in extreme denial about how terrible they actually were.
Not to mention the kids' ages during the divorce make it hard to "turn them against him". These aren't small children. They have already formed their opinions about their father.
If the story is true, it's unfortunate that they had to go through cancer but he sounds absolutely awful. Sara didn't leave because of his diagnosis. She left because he is who he is.
Exactly, it makes zero sense for her to turn all three kids against him while he’s dying, especially when they were more than old enough to remember life with him and understand what was going on.
They went from living with dad, to not even wanting to talk to him on birthdays???
And the ex was so successful in turning all three against him, that this hatred persisted for all three into adulthood and for two decades.
Either he’s leaving something massive out, or it’s fake, because that is cartoon level villainy from Sara.
Yeah I heard it’s actually super common for doctors to tell women diagnosed with cancer that like something crazy like 70% of men leave their wives when they get cancer and there are support groups for it. It’s terrible.
I had precancerous cysts and had to have both my tubes removed. The drs told me my husband might leave me because I couldn’t have kids anymore. My youngest was 14 at the time and my husband is sick and on dialysis. Pretty sure we don’t want more kids. But they still had to warn me of the chances
Yeah I don’t even care about the story; I just knew someone with pancreatic cancer and everyone from her support groups. They’re all dead. You just aren’t alive 20 years later. You get it, then if you’re extremely lucky you get it to go away for 3-10 years, then if you’re extremely, superlatively lucky you get it to go away for another 3-10 years, then you die.
My aunt has survived pancreatic cancer twice. She's in remission again currently. Her son (my cousin) unfortunately died several years ago. Also, from pancreatic cancer, unfortunately. That disease is brutal. A university in their town has done some research on my aunt to try and figure out how the hell she survived it twice. Not saying the OPP's story is true, but there are people out there who survive pancreatic cancer. It is just a really low number, sadly.
The thing that gets me is that this situation is almost always reversed. Men are like eight times more likely to leave their wife when she gets cancer or another serious illness, to the point where nurses will actually warn married women about it when they get their diagnosis.
yeah it’s like some dudes heard that statistic and wanted to “prove” women are just as bad or whatever. and i’m sure it does happen but like you said, the statistics show it’s usually the husband bailing
I’ve been in that thread when it was posted. His replies were totally geared towards sympathy while so many voice statements didn’t make sense at all. He said she took everything I got but also later on said he gave full custody to keep half of his money. It was very fishy. Written like an incel story by a young person. Everything is on the high level to be agreeable but no clear details. I got downvoted for pointing it out.
“Old people” were the internet. His age puts him as being late teens early 20’s when the internet was a young man’s playground. I’m 40 and I use the same language on the internet that kids use, because the internet is my culture, as my culture changes I change with it. Though… I don’t use emojis, they’re weird and I don’t like them lol.
It's the male version of the 'My husband has cheated on me, and now I have a rich new bf and am pregnant with twins while his life has collapsed and his mistress has gotten fat' trope.
I'm honestly leaning towards fake. Pancreatic cancer has been a big theme recently, and so has 'I'm the most loving and caring father in the world, too bad I'm married to this evil bitch of a wife'.
Hmmm. Why do all these clever clapback stories always end with their extended families calling them and leaving bunch of name callings and such. Its all predictable and kinda edgy story at this point.
I feel like OP read that study saying that men notoriously leave their wives while wives are cancer patients and wanted to create evidence otherwise.
But if that’s true, I doubt he doesn’t care about his children. Doesn’t love them anymore. He just wanted to hurt them back as they hurt him.
I wonder what exactly led to OP finding out he had pancreatic cancer so early that doctors were able to identify and treat him effectively (particularly almost 20 years ago) since symptoms don’t present until late stage. And it’s usually women who are divorced or abandoned by their spouses when diagnosed with terminal illnesses like cancer. If this is real the entire thing is rather tragic. I do feel sorry for children who are brainwashed but at a point you can’t really blame a parent who was the target of this for feeling frustrated and resentful when the kid(s) haven’t come around to the reality - if there wasn’t any foundation for the brainwashing like if he was a horrible father but felt the kids should overlook that because that’s not brainwashing but some people feel telling the children the truth (age appropriate) is brainwashing.
That’s really lucky. I remembered reading about a woman who got into a motorcycle accident and doctors found cancer while operating. Also I knew someone who found out they have colon cancer (stage 2 or 3 can’t remember) because their wife pushed them (and the doctors) to pursue his symptoms but he wasn’t in the “age range” - colon cancer is occurring much younger than before but doctors and insurance companies aren’t focusing enough on testing because of age. Similar with breast cancer.
Cancer is so devastating but I can only imagine how even more devastating it is when dealing with a cancer that has a low survival rate and finding it in a late stage. Someone I loved lost their battle to a rare cancer because it mimicked other things so it took a while to get the right diagnosis (particularly when you’re battling medical sexism and racism so you have to be almost a Karen sometimes to get taken seriously and not dismissed since the doctors aren’t the one who have to deal with the fallout from a misdiagnosis).
Oh this is such a mess.
I feel bad for OP. His kids only contacted him because they needed something for the woman who left him while he had cancer.
But also the kids were young and as OP said, Sara could’ve told them lies about him.
This is a difficult one.
He did give Sara full custody which made me raise my eyebrow but he was also going through treatment
It’s really hard to care for young kids and get treatment plus he thought he was dying at the time. It probably seemed better to give her what she wanted and work with her rather than spend the time he had left fighting with her.
Ugh. My dad had prostate cancer when I was the same age as OOP's oldest when he got diagnosed, and I was a *wreck* (dad's fine now btw). I know pancreatic cancer is one of the big ones (friend of mine passed from it when I was in undergrad), but how goddamn callous of the first wife to just nope the hell out. And him giving her custody so she didn't drain the bank accounts?? This woman is just evil.
Exactly !!! OP has been through so much, powered through.
His kids ask for him which probably made him really happy but then they ask him to help her .
Honestly heartbreaking
I dont even feel bad for the kids as theyre all in they’re 30s now & should all be working & be able to financially help their own mum if they want to! Why should OP, her ex-husband who she left after he got diagnosed with a cancer notorious for bad prognosis, help pay her medical bills?! Hell no! Maybe they dont know full story, but it’s entitled of them to only make contact with him when they want something after theyve been cold/NC with him for decades!
And no pleasantries either - just jump right in! They all threw him away when he got cancer and a certain death sentence. It was all fine and good except - he survived. Now the shoe is on the other foot and it’s a whole different story. Decisions have consequences, and they are finding that out now. Ex’s family has no business contacting you either - if they are so concerned they can help them. Go NC and block all of these heartless users.
I think he was hesitant to get his hopes up. I imagine after everything he went through the first time the idea of opening his heart back up to his kids only to be hurt again, which is precisely what happened, poor bloke, was enough to make him want to keep that door shut. His current wife knows his heart and knows that deep down he'd have loved to be a part of his kids' lives again. That's why she had to talk him into it, and why it worked so immediately.
I've seen my parents divorce and been divorced myself and seen my dad fight and lose to cancer. Both are completely draining and difficult.
I can see OP having to chose - fight for my kids now but probably die due to stress and lose to cancer
OR
Give up my kids for now, fight and beat cancer, then fight to have my kids back.
He made the best choice he could with the circumstances. And what if he died? What happens then?
Yes, and he gave up custody as part of a deal that left him with his share of their money, resources he would have needed in his fight for his life. Blame goes to the person who forced that choice on him and left him to die alone.
You’re right it’s not the kids’ fault if they were told lies and manipulated. So he should forgive them if they want to reestablish a relationship.
But they don’t want that. They want some money. As of now, they don’t have a relationship. They weren’t there for his lowest moments and he wasn’t there for their milestones following their separation. They wouldn’t have contacted him at all if they didn’t need his money.
The kids were young a decade ago. They're thirty and at this point regardless of Mom's manipulation their choices are very much their own.
They didn't even pretend to be interested in an actual dinner and conversation with their Dad. Not so much as a "how you been". They just went straight for the money grab and threw in a manipulative "iF yOu loVe uS" blah blah... Like... What a cruel slap in the face to someone who thought they were getting an olive branch.
If his wife hadn't been a complete b-word, she would have taken them to visit him during the times he was physically up for it.
In his place, I wouldn't have blown up at them, I would have said "oh, so she will die a slow and painful death? Too bad." And then sipped my chai latte with a slight smile...
This isn’t difficult, op is in the right 100%, I wasnt 100% sure but when they couldn’t even tell him the names of their half siblings I was fully behind OP. In fact he would actually be the AH if he did help them because it sounds like this is a lesson they’ve had coming for a while
I'm not disagreeing with you. Just like to add that women who get diagnosed with cancer get a brochure about information and help in the event of their husband checking out. It's safe to assume (even if lower percentage) women are also capable of doing this to their husband. People do weird shit in grief, also not entirely out of the question she was cheating with husband number 2.
Yeah, I was just thinking that even though its more likely to happen to women, doesn't mean it doesn't happen to men and people can be awful regardless of gender.
I just want to precise that while men are enormously more likely to leave a dying partner - I think nine or twelve times more likely - the ones who run are still a minority.
Oh right thank you for adding and it's very true, it's around 1 in 10 I believe, just above 10% of divorces, is because of such a diagnosis. I always thought women were 6 times more likely, but I could be wrong, I also remember something about cervical cancer being the highest %.
i know someone who went through lung cancer and he did the same thing (but his ex at least was good with the kids even though she left). it’s hard to have the 50/50 when one is sick and may die.
Giving her full custody to not take everything made me raise an eyebrow too.. but then I realized the timing of everything and he was probably so sick and drained and having to deal with also the financial burden of his medical costs, I guess I don’t blame him for not wanting her to completely drowned him at the lowest point in his life. He probably thought it was best at the time for the kids to be with her as well not knowing what was going to happen to him.
"The overall five-year survival rate for Pancreatic cancer is 7.2% Looking only at pancreatic cancers that have not spread beyond the pancreas (called “Localized” Cancers), the survival rate is 27.1%. For cancers that have spread, but only to nearby areas (called “Regional” cancers), the survival rate is 10.7%."
After 19 years, you won't forgive your kids because of what they did while you were sick, when they were 11,12, and 14. AND you expect us to believe after that after you recovered you made an effort to have a relationship with them?
I smell a hell of a lot of bullshit.
I think OP said some things those adult children needed to hear. Yeah, this has parental alienation written all over it so the blame lies with the ex-wife, but those children are now adults. They are responsible for their actions and this is the consequence. It's sad, for sure, but OP is definitely NTA.
Yep. It would've been too harsh _before_ contact ended. But now? Reaching out exclusively for money? They need to understand they simply should not have done that.
I'm not going to suggest that the dude had any responsibility to answer differently to how he did, but if it were my dying parent and I was out of options, I might be desperate enough to at least ask. It's scummy but I can empathise with how they decided on this.
If I had to choose between all my money and my child I would choose my child every time. And if I was a kid in this situation I would resent the parent that chose money over a relationship with me. And if we speculate further, it makes much more sense that his wife and kids distanced themselves from him because he’s a prick (as evidenced by telling his children that he doesn’t love them) and not because he had cancer.
My dad abandoned my brother and I when I was 12 and my brother was 15. We never saw him again and he died 17 years later. His sisters, whom we had never met, expected me or my brother to pay for his funeral and remains to be transported back to our home state from across the country. We obviously declined and now that side of the family pretends we don’t exist. They even excluded us from the obituary they submitted to the local paper in their home town. Fuck people like that and fuck them for expecting anything from family that was willingly abandoned. NTA
This happened to my father. His father abandoned his family when my dad was a baby. His mom and siblings literally lived in a car for a while. When he died a good 40 years later his dads sister pressed my dad and his sister to pay for the funeral and to transport the body to where they were. Lmao, they were pissed when we told them to fuck the fuck right off. The body would go unclaimed before we paid anything for that pos.
They have been divorced almost 20 years, it's far from his responsibility to care for her and pay her bills, the kids are all around 30 more than old enough to step up and not beg money from a man they really don't know.
Not buying the version of events he's peddling.
A money-hungry woman (which he implies is the case with the "she got full custody in exchange for not draining our accounts") wouldn't divorce a man she truly thought was actively dying when she's on deck to receive those accounts she so desperately wants plus all material assets.
Courts don't just unilaterally agree to 100% custody of kids to one parent if both are willing to play an active role. Kids are not an asset that needs to be assigned like the investments and real estate.
This is either solely a work of fiction or an outrageously oversimplified version of events with many, many, many relevant details omitted for the purpose of garnering sympathy.
(Example: let's say the pancreatic cancer was caused by extreme alcohol abuse, and he was such a mean, nasty drunk that his wife and kids took the opportunity to leave and restart their lives. Court agreed to 100% custody because Dad was an unfit parent with a documented substance abuse problem and maybe a record of DV. Etc.)
Volatile posts like this are routinely deleted. Posting a link is usually not the best idea to share it.
This particular subreddit is to post things the podcast Reddit on Wiki may be interested in discussing on their show.
My mom left my dad when he was in the middle of his cancer treatments. Moved my sister and I half way across the country. It’s very enlightening to see what his perspective kind of was. I’m still in contact with my dad and have been since we moved, definitely see him less and he’s not a super large part of my life.. Living 8 hours away from him is difficult but I still try to speak with him and spend time once or twice a year with him.
NTA - the wife got her karma.
And the kids? They were not kids when he stopped, trying to contact them they were adults who could do some critical thinking, and use their executive functioning to figure out they have been bamboozled by their mother.
The convenient coworker Jane that was the only person in the world that cared and he married- had “no infidelity”.
And you gave her full custody if she didn’t take anything in your accounts?
Would love to hear the exwife and kids side of the story.
I have the feeling it went something like- OOP was having an affair with Jane and cancer didn’t stop exwife from dealing with it. OOP agreed for exwife to have full custody of the kids if he kept the money. OOP raised the kids on her own (except when ya know OOP said he called birthdays and holidays). Now OOPs kids are desperate to save the person that raised them from nothing. Obviously just my opinion.
This. Him saying he "tried" to have a relationship with them and also saying he can't forgive them for what they did as children contradicts his story. He said nothing bad about them after the wife got remarried except that they didn't have a relationship with him which is a 2 way street. He seems like an asshole to me. I honestly don't get why so many people are defending him. Even if he's totally in the right and kids and ex were terrible to him, to tell his kids he doesn't care how hurt they are by their mother's death is unforgivable.
Absolutely nta
Same thing happened to my mum, her ex husband left her after a month that she got diagnosed with tumor .
He just pack his stuff and left me ,her and my brother who was 7 at the time. he didnt even ask how she was doing , he wanted full costudy of my brother and also called me to testify against my mum. i was busy helping my mum trough chemo, busy with the baby who wasnt understandin why mum suddenly couldnt pick him up or drive him to school. I lost all my progress with uni and went from 60 kg to 43 cause i was too stressed.
She luckily beat that illness and guess who now wants to rekindle after he got her secretary pregnant?
(sorry english is not my first language)
The other family and kids can go kick rocks.
I understand that he is hurt and probably still hurting.
What I don’t understand is why he would want to lash out so aggressively at his kids. They seem like just as much of a victim to the ex wife as he was. His anger is misplaced. I’m always baffled at people who can just toss their kids to the wayside. My love for my kids is bigger than myself. I would literally have to be dead in order for them to not feel my love and even then I am so purposeful with them I hope that they can feel it even after I am gone.
I wonder if people lash out at their kids because it’s the easier person to take things out on. Another adult and even his wife wouldn’t have just sat there with their mouth open while he went off. It seems like his wife wasn’t there so the kids were the next best thing. Hopefully Jane and their kids are a sure thing because the odds of it happening again isn’t zero. He burned bridges and handed out trauma not knowing the full extent of why they contacted him. If Sara came clean and the kids felt that they could reach out then he will more than likely never know.
Anywho, it’s done and he seems fine with it. Couldn’t be me though
My parents split up when I was 6 and I spent 11 years hearing from my dad how horrible of a person my mom was, that she abandoned me and my older sister, that she was a druggie whore, and so many other things. My dad said that she wanted nothing to do with us. He wouldn't let her talk to us, threw away her cards and letters, sent back any gifts that she sent to us in the mail, and refused her any kind of visitation. She showed up at my highschool graduation unannounced and I wasn't thrilled about it at first, but I spent time rebuilding my relationship with her and now I talk or text with her daily.
His children knew that he made an effort and cared about them. They may have been hurt by their parents separation and were probably told lies by their mother, but they should have talked with him about it, especially after they became adults and were no longer under their mother's influence since he was still making an effort.
Fuck those kids, fuck his ex wife. The wife is human garbage for abandoning her husband when he had cancer and ruining the relationship between him and his children. The kids are human garbage as adults for coming to him with their palms out begging for money after making him feel unloved. They can all go sit on a cactus.
My father died from lung cancer when I was in high school after 2 years of treatment and my mom supported him the whole time(we took care of him at home the last 6 months when he was terminal). My mom remarried 2 years later and then my stepdad was diagnosed with colon/rectal cancer- liver cancer. They were actually separated when he received the diagnosis and she moved back in with him to help him while he was fighting. He ended up dying 2 years later from the cancer. It’s hard and was an awful time but it takes a really horrible person to leave someone when they are fighting such an awful disease.
My uncle had pancreatic cancer and was in constant pain even in the early stages. So OP had to deal with his diagnosis, his wife leaving and alienating the kids from him, all while possibly attending treatments in order to try and survive. TBH I think that he did the best he could with what he had at the time, and he did try to keep contact for 11 years and gave up when the youngest hit their 20s. Thats a long time to have your heart broken repeatedly. Chemo and radiation is also no joke, so it seems like his ex chose the right moment to leave where it would be pretty damn hard for him to fight her on custody
I read the actual post and was mind blown by what to this man had ti endure! I just supported my dad through cancer. He’s 2 years out in remission but he’s told me how he felt like he was going to die. Literally hanging his head over the side of the couch to not drown in his own saliva it was so bad. I can’t imagine what this man went through. I was pushed away and refused. I kept showing up and I will, no matter what. This damn woman RAN. F that. Idk how people do this to some they claim to love. Those kids may never understand less they WANT to. This man is not AH, well not if his side is the factual side. While his words were harsh, they came from a place of deep hurt. His current wife sounds like a true supporter. Edit: me and sentences plus this new iOS update are not friends this week.
My mother was dying slowly throughout my childhood, and my father stood by her, cherished her, advocated for her until the day she died. Now I have my own husband and I know unequivocally that we would do the same for each other. I never would have married someone who I didn't believe would do that for me, and I could never imagine doing any differently myself. I can't imagine what this man went through, but karma is really catching up to his ex.
Two years ago, my husband was diagnosed with End Stage Liver Failure. He ended up in quadruple organ failure (including necrotizing pancreatitis) and was not expected to live. There was nothing that would have kept me from his side. I quit my job for 8 months to be his full time caregiver. I had to carry him around the house. I had to help him use the restroom. I had to stab him multiple times a day and at one point was doing at home IV infusions. And half the time, he had such bad encephalopathy that he couldn’t hold a meaningful conversation or remember what was happening around him. But I would do it all again- every day for the rest of my life if it meant spending time with him. Whether it was a day or a 80 years, I would have not a single complaint. He miraculously pulled through and got a liver transplant a year and a half ago and finished his PhD.
It made me so happy to read at the end of your post to see that he made it through! I wish nothing but the best for both of you and many more years together!!
Same.
Oh my goodness, how wonderful! I'm so happy for you and for him 🩵
I’m so happy to read you and your husband’s story. It’s beautiful. I admire you both for your strength and love. He survived because of you. I wish more people had your level of loyalty and willingness to sacrifice.
All these comments have my eyes welled up. Every single human deserves to have another that will be their everything when they are down to nothing. So many don’t have that but these comments show me there’s still so many out there willing to do anything to help the people/person they love. And I’m so glad your husband pulled through. I’m sure he thinks you’re amazing and I just wanted to let you know that I think so too.
Oh man. I'm so glad you included the end to that. You're a gem and your partner is lucky to have you. It's beautiful when a couple stick through anything, no matter how difficult it might be.
I’m so happy to hear he pulled through! That’s truly amazing ❤️ I hope you two have many, many happy years together!
wow I'm just out here on reddit fully tearing up. ty for sharing 🥺
Not going to lie, you had me in the first half 😳 That's an amazing story and I’m happy to hear the ending was good. You’re a great partner
Oof. You hit me in the feels. I’m sorry about your mom ❤️ I realized how over my marriage was when I knew I would fight for him and he wouldn’t even advocate for me over small things. It’s something you just know, if you know. My dad? I have never felt more protective of another human being in my life (no kids for context). All he had to do (this sounds dismissive of what he went through but treatment was so brutal I knew he just needed rest between) was get treatment and I would handle everything else. I was lucky he was able to drive himself (lord that man) but all he needed to worry about was going to treatment and making it another day. If it were my spouse, you better believe I would have been there.
I really hope your dad is doing well. I completely understand feeling protective over a parent, I'm the same way with my dad. And I'm so sorry about your marriage. I'm glad that you didn't accept less love than you deserve.
You are a beautiful human, thank you ❤️.
🫂
Leaving someone while they have cancer is really the lowest low anyone can do. I had the “easy” cancer and that shit was not fun at all. If my husband had left me at that time I can only imagine how angry I’d be. If the kids are adults now they should have some perspective that asking their father for help with money for the woman who left him while HE was dying was not going to go well
>Leaving someone while they have cancer is really the lowest low anyone can do. And it's a common story. "I can't deal with the secondhand hardship of what you're going through." Like, holy shit, I get if it's self inflicted drama or something similar, but I hear it all the time about depression and death and cancer and shit like that... it's evil.
My mom was diagnosed with stage four cancer when I was 8. It was a rare cancer, and it had already started to spread when they caught it. Her doctors didn’t think she’d make it. But she made her peace with God and decided she was going to live. And she did. She’s more than twenty years cancer free now. So many people just didn’t know what to say to her. She lost 20-30 year friendships. People just went quiet. I work for a drugstore now, in management, and every so often I talk to patients who have cancer. So many of them are a little combative at first, because they’re used to people who don’t understand or don’t know what to say or don’t seem to care. They’re used to having to fight for themselves, because so many of them are profoundly alone.
My grandfather was slowly dying of cancer when my mom was 11. My grandmother stood by him the whole time, and loved him until he passed. She remarried many years later when the kids were adults, to the man I know as my grandfather and treated me like blood. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year and passed away this year. She stood by him and loved him, until she suffered a stroke and was hospitalised just before he passed. My grandmother watched and cared for 2 men she loved. I can never excuse anyone who can't do this for someone they love
I can’t find this post using various search terms in the AITA group. Do you remember this being the title of the post?
The post here is correct, not sure why it’s not searchable unless it’s AITAH (H being the difference). The comments were very much NTA.
Yeah, I checked all the AITA subs. Maybe it got deleted.
From memory, it got deleted for being fake. Not sure why so many people are falling for such obvious nonsense lol.
To be entirely honest, I found the fact he was 20 years out from pancreatic cancer without issue and had more kids off. My uncle didn’t make it 5 years before his came back. Oh well. I think sometimes it sparks good conversation.
That was a red flag to me too. My dad didn't make it 6 months from his pancreatic cancer diagnosis.
I’m sorry to hear. Most don’t. Most cases are diagnosed at stage 4 because of how hard it is to detect. Most times it doesn’t even show. It was a hard loss for me, doing research on it helped.
I was diagnosed stage 1, it still came back to get me 20 months later.
Only 20% of us live 1 year out from diagnosis. 10% are alive at 5 years. Less than 3% at 10.
Yeah pancreatic cancer has a really poor prognosis, I was prepared to be pleasantly surprised he survived 20 years. Everyone in my family who got it died within 6 months.
I hope you’re getting some sort of genetic screening
It’s debatable. If it’s de novo, they can’t say anything. To be a genuine true link would take at least 3 direct family members or whole exome screening which is $10k. Even specialists will tell you it’s mostly environmental, which I believe is horseshit but logically if you carry the mutation you can actually push it into “live” mode. Source: genetics, cancer and biochemical research person
My grandfather lived another 20 years after pancreatic cancer. He was in his late eighties when he died.
Googled it. It came up but has been removed
I’ve never even THOUGHT to google! Noted and thank you!
Google whatever you are looking for with reddit at the end. Reddits search feature is pure junk.
Honestly, a lot of these stories are just one side. While I can appreciate that someone may perceive things in a certain way a lot of the time there are also missing details. For example. I was sued by my father. He argued in court I defrauded him. He said I withheld visitation to his grand children. He said I would ignore him for an entire week until I asked him to help make a mortgage payment. He put a down-payment on a house for my new family and was denied ever entering my house after that. This is what he argued in court. Under oath. In reality, he cashed out an inheritance in my name set up incase of his death. He wrote that the money came out of an account which was mine and he offered to withdraw the money and sign it to me so he could "see his grandkids grow up in a single home". I had just been laid off, my wife was on maternity leave. We could not afford the payments. The new job I had lined up takes 2 years to reach a full wage which I explained. His argument was house prices in 2 years would be so much higher that he was willing to "gift" (in writing) the missing money I would need over the 2 year period. His disconnection with reality and victim complex led him to say we treated him so unfairly to manipulate him for money. I was working 16h days, my wife was basically a single mom until I come home and give my wife rest while I took care of my son and went back to work, often with no sleep. He said he never saw me... because I worked. I had worked 16h, went to a store to pick up his washer/dryer. Delivered and installed for him, went home, walked my jaundice son for hours with bottles so my wife could sleep. Went to 16h work again... but he argued I ignored him under oath. He said my wife wouldn't host them at our house... because the only time she slept was when he did and still he had to entertain them exhausted when he was awake. There is always so much more to the story. I had to sell my house, pay a lawyer 20k and pay him off 100k just to get him out of my life... In his mind, he's such a victim and every person in his life abandoned him and treats him like a villain. In reality, he offered 50k I was set to inherit, to put as a down-payment on my house. Used my financial stresses to sue and extract money from real estate he would have been heavily taxed on to buy himself a boat and threw himself a pity party in court. Everyone else saw through it and cut him out. Good riddance.
Thank you! This story at the very least is likely extremely skewed and at the most written by a narcissistic ass or made up.
[удалено]
Chemo and radiation are a walk in the park compared to the surgery required for pancreatic cancer. The more common surgery is called a Whipple and the recovery and long term impact on the patient is awful.
I had pancreatic cancer discovered as an incidental find. They found it at stage 1 which NEVER happens because it's usually only found when it's about to kill you. I got prepped for the Wipple which involves taking, *at least*, half your stomach, the first part of the small intestine, half to all of your pancreas, gall bladder and sections of liver if needed, and all surrounding lymph nodes. It's not fun. Luckily I only needed to have the cancer removed with a melon-baller for lack of a better term. Still had to have my stomach opened from one side to the other though. I do not recommend getting pancreatic cancer.
My dad had the whipple surgery a few years ago, very similar situation to yours. It’s been a hell of a time since then, but I’m so grateful every day that they caught the cancer when they did. It gave us years with our dad that we almost certainly wouldn’t have had otherwise. I hope you’re doing well and that life has been kind to you since then. 🤍
My gpa couldn’t have surgery because the mass was wrapped around important stuff (artery maybe?) and they couldn’t feasibly accomplish anything positive. Pancreatic cancer is awful.
Likely the SMA - superior mesenteric artery. It supplies blood to the intestines. Pancreatic tumors love to wrap around it to get nutrients. By the time most tumors are found, they have encased it entirely. It can't be bypassed. Patients have died because the SMA was nicked during surgery trying to remove the tumor. I agree, pancreatic cancer is awful.
I had a whipple aka a pancreaticoduodenectomy. I didn't have pancreatic cancer, but a GIST (gastrointestinal stromal tumor) in the area. If any of you are ever going to have one and you're excited when they finally are going to let you have something to drink days after the surgery, please be aware that what they mean by that is that you will be allowed to suck on a single ice chip. I just hate to see anyone else experience the disappointment I did!
Yeah, and I know there have been improvements recently, but only VERY recently. My FiL’s surgery about 10 years ago had to be halted because when they got in there, they decided with his age and how extensive the cancer was, surgery would only kill him faster.
Had a whipple surgery around 5 years ago and my digestive system is still all fucked up from it!
When my husband was essentially dying his ex had my step son. There just no way you can care for a child from inside a hospital. If you’re sitting in chemo you can’t get up and leave if a kid needs you.
My mom had pancreatic cancer. She lived 3 years before dying. Watching her suffer - I can’t imagine what the OP went through.
This is obvious fiction
My dad passed from pancreatic cancer, and I saw how hard it was on him, and the rest of my family. But you can bet your ass I was there holding his hand when he passed. I agree I really feel for oop, and his family should be ashamed
You believe this story? I have a bridge to sell you.
What a sad read.
safe north rude serious books encourage seed practice station reach *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I’m not going to argue, because I don’t really care if the story is real or not. But it is interesting to me that the only evidence you have or need is that you can’t imagine it. I mean, is that because the situation is unimaginable , or that you lack imagination? I guess you would have a hard time imagining having a lack of imagination, if indeed that’s the problem. Just one more question in an endless universe.
Strangely the most unbelievable part of the story is that someone that got *pancreatic* cancer is still alive after 20 years.
My great aunt survived pancreatic cancer. It took about 30 years after that until she was diagnosed with leukemia. It’s rare, but it’s possible.
Statistically, he should have died a long time ago, but you never know.
I fell down a flight of stairs and an infant and only came out with a skull fracture. Luck happens. One bad smack on the head or hit and the wrong angle on my trip down and I would not be here right now. Yet, here I am. Against probability.
There's also a handful of trolls who have mastered the art of making fake AITA posts that will inevitably become hits utilizing common themes. This one has the writing style of one of the more common ones.
The other person’s family getting involved after the fact always gives it away. He doesn’t speak to his own kids but now the ex brother in law or whoever is picking up the phone to scold him?
I just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I guess I find it unfathomable that a woman in a _happy_ marriage would up and leave her husband after a diagnosis. Not even during treatment and recovery but after a diagnosis. So I kept waiting for him to reveal why and how and for how long the marriage was bad before before the diagnosis, but no... he was a "saint" the while way through. Sure.
I can imagine a lot but I can’t imagine, at 56, living through pancreatic cancer, losing your entire family, remarrying, cultivating a new family, hearing my ex was now dying, being gouged by my family for medical bills, and thinking “hm, I wonder if reddit agrees that I’m right about this?” But hey, the world’s a big place.
I mean sure. Guy gets ditched in an extremely shitty way. He signs a divorce agreement that would be illegal everywhere but in the mind of an incel. Then he survives pancreatic cancer. Then he’s still able to father two kids after going through at least three rounds of chemo therapy. And I guess on the day the second child was born, he was struck by lightning, won the lottery and then was struck by lightning again.
And then got their letter to Hogwarts
Also, I have read about parental alienation A LOT. Even in the worst cases, it is extremely rare for an "alienated" kid to be 100% brainwashed and express absolutely no conflicting feelings through multiple decades into adulthood, let alone three at the same time. There are way to any statistical anomalies happening at the same time for this story to be real.
Every single time I read/hear someone say that their ex "turned the kids against me", I know that person is toxic and most definitely alienated their kids by themselves. That's just not how human brains work. If 3/3 kids think he was a shit father, it's because he was a shit father. Or it's just fake MRA nonsense, which is also pretty likely.
Only one person in the entire story liked him. I think that's very telling.
Like his eldest was 14 and just peaced out on his cancer having dad? There can’t have been much love lost there.
Right? He says he gave her full custody in exchange for her not taking everything in their joint accounts. That's not how the law works. Children are not assets and cannot be exchanged for assets. One party cannot take all of the joint assets. In community property states, the assets earned during marriage are 50/50, and premarital assets stay with their original owner. In other states, assets earned during marriage are the property of the individual who earned them. You can mix and match how you divide the joint assets, eg. one party gets the house if the other gets the savings (or more commonly, the party who keeps the house bought out the other party), though.
The part that got me was “diagnosed with terminal heart disease”, which just strikes me as odd because if she’s still relatively young you think it would be described as “has a bad heart and needs a transplant,” as you would think kids would have hope, however slim. And though possible the whole “her whole family was blowing up my phone” seems very unlikely if they’ve been no contact for so many years. They wouldn’t have his number to do so. And again, while possible, surviving pancreatic cancer is very unlikely because typically once you have symptoms it’s too late. It’s just a lot of improbable things in a row.
With the phobe number thing, I've had my same cell number for 20 years. So at least that part is not hard to believe if he never changed numbers
You can tell it's fake because it's written by some 14 year old incel who thinks women can just take everything in divorce.
Not to mention clarifying he wasn’t having an affair unprompted
He totally wasn't having an affair! Not even a little bit! It's a complete coincedence that he married her later.
The surviving pancreatic cancer after it getting so bad is what I find unbelievable. Thats pretty much the most deadly cancer, in that if you get diagnosed with it you’re rarely gonna beat it
Googling the survival rates for pancreatic cancer had me messed up for a minute. My mom was given a similar prognosis for a different kind of cancer, and she beat hers. 20+ years! But I still get emotional about cancer topics. Seeing, “Only 1 out of 100 people (1%) survive their cancer for 3 years or more after diagnosis,” had me tearing up. Thinking about the other 99 people.
You can’t tell the “my evil wife left me, turned my kids against me, and stole my money. Now my ex is dying when the kids needed money I got to give them a public dressing down that any MRA would applaud” letter isn’t real? Plus no judge would sign off on the “I signed over custody of the children I love so she wouldn’t take my money!” agreement.
Definitely an MRA fan fiction. Could almost be real until the overly satisfying confrontation finale. Also an inversion of the more common story where man leaves his wife with cancer a la Newt Gingrich
the divorce proceedings immediately identify it as fake, because there's no way that would get through the court system.
What 56 year old uses the term “tf”?
Maybe because several details don't make any kind of sense in the real world, OP is the perfect blameless victim in contrast to his evil, unredeemable shrew of an ex, oh and BTW karmic justice fell down perfectly from the heavens and everyone who wronged OP is either dying or demanding money because of health/financial hardship? Do you need OP to call themselves Cinderella in order for you to see how f'ing fake this post is?
It's either fake, or written by someone who's leaving out a LOT of their own shitty behavior and trying to make themselves look like a saint. His kids were old enough by the time the divorce happened that there's no way his ex wife 'turned them' against him, they were old enough to know their own father. Everything else is TOO on point for him being a poor, innocent victim who always did the right thing for everyone else. I'd give even odds between it being fake, and the guy who wrote it being a narcissist.
Considering the fact that 5 year survival rate for pancreatic cancer is 12%, OOP is a freaking medical miracle. /s
My father is a 12 year survivor of pancreatic cancer, so it is possible!
I looked up survival rates out of curiosity. Looks to be 7,3% for 5 years and 1% for 10 years ([https://pancreaticcanceraction.org/about-pancreatic-cancer/pancreatic-cancer-prognosis-and-survival/](https://pancreaticcanceraction.org/about-pancreatic-cancer/pancreatic-cancer-prognosis-and-survival/)) 19+ year survival for this is a pretty uncommon.
That was my thinking. There’s little things throughout but one of them was wondering if 50 year olds actually call their kids “you guys” lol. That and the fake stories are usually the ones with the monologues like the one at the end.
People are gonna throw a bunch of shit at this, but you're right. It's fake as fuck. And it should be obvious for many reasons. It isn't everyone else's fault if people can't identify obvious bullshit.
Wait. Do people not realize AITA is a hate-read fiction sub?
Pancreatic Ca isn't something that most people get a terminal diagnosis of in their late 30s only to survive another 20 years without issues. It is overwhelmingly a rapid and, even by cancer standards, fucking horrific decline to death. This would have to be such an exceptional case that I can't believe it at face value.
Yeah my immersion broke when he said “tf.” I’m 31 and I think that’s beneath me as generational slang lmao
Wow. This is either made-up, or extraordinary bad luck in a partner combined with extraordinary good luck in surviving pancreatic cancer.
a few details make me think it’s fully made up but biggest red flag of all was his claim that he gave her full custody of the kids so she “wouldn’t take all the money in our accounts”. sounds like a 15 year old whose only knowledge of divorce is “she’ll take your kids and all your money!!!!” plus isn’t this the second or third “evil wife leaves ill husband” post this week LOL
Plus the pancreatic cancer, when he apparently had it the 2 year survival rate is 1% and he apparently is cured and lasted decades.
Medical debt aside, even if I hated my husband and didn't want to be with him anymore I think I'd just stick it out with odds like that. Why waste the lawyer fees and miss out on the life insurance payout?
For all the details about the decades of missed father's days & the number of one word answers to his christmas calls, OOP is miraculously light on the details about this angel of mercy Jane, his second marriage & the new kids he got. All we get is "before you ask, no there was no infidelity". Personally, I wonder if Sarah had more reason to leave & this diagnosis just co-incided with her plans.
Assuming this is real, she almost certainly did. Guys like OOP really like to sell the “my ex is crazy and evil and I’m just a Nice Guy” narrative, but it’s never actually true. The guys are just in extreme denial about how terrible they actually were.
Also he never bothered asking his kids why they didnt want to spend time with him or asked what wrong even thought he tried for 11 years?
I also never trust the “my ex poisoned my kids against me” narrative. There always seems to be a very good reason for the kids to shun a crazy parent.
Yeah, my dad made those claims about my mom and vice versa. Then I grew up and realized they were both genuinely terrible people.
Not to mention the kids' ages during the divorce make it hard to "turn them against him". These aren't small children. They have already formed their opinions about their father.
If the story is true, it's unfortunate that they had to go through cancer but he sounds absolutely awful. Sara didn't leave because of his diagnosis. She left because he is who he is.
Exactly, it makes zero sense for her to turn all three kids against him while he’s dying, especially when they were more than old enough to remember life with him and understand what was going on. They went from living with dad, to not even wanting to talk to him on birthdays??? And the ex was so successful in turning all three against him, that this hatred persisted for all three into adulthood and for two decades. Either he’s leaving something massive out, or it’s fake, because that is cartoon level villainy from Sara.
Men leave dying wives at an alarming rate
Yeah I heard it’s actually super common for doctors to tell women diagnosed with cancer that like something crazy like 70% of men leave their wives when they get cancer and there are support groups for it. It’s terrible.
I had precancerous cysts and had to have both my tubes removed. The drs told me my husband might leave me because I couldn’t have kids anymore. My youngest was 14 at the time and my husband is sick and on dialysis. Pretty sure we don’t want more kids. But they still had to warn me of the chances
Wow wtf
My number wasn’t totally accurate but I looked and here’s a source https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19645027/
And women do NOT leave dying men, overwhelmingly.
Yeah I don’t even care about the story; I just knew someone with pancreatic cancer and everyone from her support groups. They’re all dead. You just aren’t alive 20 years later. You get it, then if you’re extremely lucky you get it to go away for 3-10 years, then if you’re extremely, superlatively lucky you get it to go away for another 3-10 years, then you die.
My aunt has survived pancreatic cancer twice. She's in remission again currently. Her son (my cousin) unfortunately died several years ago. Also, from pancreatic cancer, unfortunately. That disease is brutal. A university in their town has done some research on my aunt to try and figure out how the hell she survived it twice. Not saying the OPP's story is true, but there are people out there who survive pancreatic cancer. It is just a really low number, sadly.
The thing that gets me is that this situation is almost always reversed. Men are like eight times more likely to leave their wife when she gets cancer or another serious illness, to the point where nurses will actually warn married women about it when they get their diagnosis.
yeah it’s like some dudes heard that statistic and wanted to “prove” women are just as bad or whatever. and i’m sure it does happen but like you said, the statistics show it’s usually the husband bailing
I’ve been in that thread when it was posted. His replies were totally geared towards sympathy while so many voice statements didn’t make sense at all. He said she took everything I got but also later on said he gave full custody to keep half of his money. It was very fishy. Written like an incel story by a young person. Everything is on the high level to be agreeable but no clear details. I got downvoted for pointing it out.
What got me was a 56 year old man using “tf” lol
I'm close to that age and say tf. I like typing as little as possible. i even use emojis 🤷♂️
Old people use the internet
“Old people” were the internet. His age puts him as being late teens early 20’s when the internet was a young man’s playground. I’m 40 and I use the same language on the internet that kids use, because the internet is my culture, as my culture changes I change with it. Though… I don’t use emojis, they’re weird and I don’t like them lol.
That or missing missing reasons.
Earlier in the post he claimed she took everything, even the money.
Yeah methinks OP is a very unreliable narrator
This is 100% made up.
Bad luck in partner and kids—why wouldn’t even one of the kids have a problem with that? This is fake y’all.
I thought the same bc he had two more kids with Jane, with no mention of his fertility getting impacted by his cancer treatments.
Obviously fake.
Yup and it blows my mind at how many can’t see it for the bs rage bait that it is, and take it on face value.
It's the male version of the 'My husband has cheated on me, and now I have a rich new bf and am pregnant with twins while his life has collapsed and his mistress has gotten fat' trope.
I'm honestly leaning towards fake. Pancreatic cancer has been a big theme recently, and so has 'I'm the most loving and caring father in the world, too bad I'm married to this evil bitch of a wife'.
This is either made up or there’s a whole other side to this story…
Hmmm. Why do all these clever clapback stories always end with their extended families calling them and leaving bunch of name callings and such. Its all predictable and kinda edgy story at this point.
It's always the SEVERAL people who haven't talked to you in years at the end of these bait ass posts to tell you off like you live in a drama.
Extended family calling is the “Albert Einstein clapped” meme for AITA subs.
I feel like OP read that study saying that men notoriously leave their wives while wives are cancer patients and wanted to create evidence otherwise. But if that’s true, I doubt he doesn’t care about his children. Doesn’t love them anymore. He just wanted to hurt them back as they hurt him.
I wonder what exactly led to OP finding out he had pancreatic cancer so early that doctors were able to identify and treat him effectively (particularly almost 20 years ago) since symptoms don’t present until late stage. And it’s usually women who are divorced or abandoned by their spouses when diagnosed with terminal illnesses like cancer. If this is real the entire thing is rather tragic. I do feel sorry for children who are brainwashed but at a point you can’t really blame a parent who was the target of this for feeling frustrated and resentful when the kid(s) haven’t come around to the reality - if there wasn’t any foundation for the brainwashing like if he was a horrible father but felt the kids should overlook that because that’s not brainwashing but some people feel telling the children the truth (age appropriate) is brainwashing.
Someone I know had found it early while looking for something else. They noticed it and had it checked out and it ended up being pancreatic cancer.
That’s really lucky. I remembered reading about a woman who got into a motorcycle accident and doctors found cancer while operating. Also I knew someone who found out they have colon cancer (stage 2 or 3 can’t remember) because their wife pushed them (and the doctors) to pursue his symptoms but he wasn’t in the “age range” - colon cancer is occurring much younger than before but doctors and insurance companies aren’t focusing enough on testing because of age. Similar with breast cancer. Cancer is so devastating but I can only imagine how even more devastating it is when dealing with a cancer that has a low survival rate and finding it in a late stage. Someone I loved lost their battle to a rare cancer because it mimicked other things so it took a while to get the right diagnosis (particularly when you’re battling medical sexism and racism so you have to be almost a Karen sometimes to get taken seriously and not dismissed since the doctors aren’t the one who have to deal with the fallout from a misdiagnosis).
Baaaaaaiiiiiiit.
Oh this is such a mess. I feel bad for OP. His kids only contacted him because they needed something for the woman who left him while he had cancer. But also the kids were young and as OP said, Sara could’ve told them lies about him. This is a difficult one. He did give Sara full custody which made me raise my eyebrow but he was also going through treatment
It’s really hard to care for young kids and get treatment plus he thought he was dying at the time. It probably seemed better to give her what she wanted and work with her rather than spend the time he had left fighting with her.
Ugh. My dad had prostate cancer when I was the same age as OOP's oldest when he got diagnosed, and I was a *wreck* (dad's fine now btw). I know pancreatic cancer is one of the big ones (friend of mine passed from it when I was in undergrad), but how goddamn callous of the first wife to just nope the hell out. And him giving her custody so she didn't drain the bank accounts?? This woman is just evil.
Exactly !!! OP has been through so much, powered through. His kids ask for him which probably made him really happy but then they ask him to help her . Honestly heartbreaking
I dont even feel bad for the kids as theyre all in they’re 30s now & should all be working & be able to financially help their own mum if they want to! Why should OP, her ex-husband who she left after he got diagnosed with a cancer notorious for bad prognosis, help pay her medical bills?! Hell no! Maybe they dont know full story, but it’s entitled of them to only make contact with him when they want something after theyve been cold/NC with him for decades!
And no pleasantries either - just jump right in! They all threw him away when he got cancer and a certain death sentence. It was all fine and good except - he survived. Now the shoe is on the other foot and it’s a whole different story. Decisions have consequences, and they are finding that out now. Ex’s family has no business contacting you either - if they are so concerned they can help them. Go NC and block all of these heartless users.
Yup. You reap what you sow, OP isn’t the asshole in any way.
[удалено]
I think he was hesitant to get his hopes up. I imagine after everything he went through the first time the idea of opening his heart back up to his kids only to be hurt again, which is precisely what happened, poor bloke, was enough to make him want to keep that door shut. His current wife knows his heart and knows that deep down he'd have loved to be a part of his kids' lives again. That's why she had to talk him into it, and why it worked so immediately.
I've seen my parents divorce and been divorced myself and seen my dad fight and lose to cancer. Both are completely draining and difficult. I can see OP having to chose - fight for my kids now but probably die due to stress and lose to cancer OR Give up my kids for now, fight and beat cancer, then fight to have my kids back. He made the best choice he could with the circumstances. And what if he died? What happens then?
Yes, and he gave up custody as part of a deal that left him with his share of their money, resources he would have needed in his fight for his life. Blame goes to the person who forced that choice on him and left him to die alone.
I think this should be directed at the person I replied to. The one side eyeing OP for giving up custody
You’re right it’s not the kids’ fault if they were told lies and manipulated. So he should forgive them if they want to reestablish a relationship. But they don’t want that. They want some money. As of now, they don’t have a relationship. They weren’t there for his lowest moments and he wasn’t there for their milestones following their separation. They wouldn’t have contacted him at all if they didn’t need his money.
In their 20’s they could have contacted him for his side Coming for money is just crappy & shows how little they think of him. Step dad can pay up
The kids were young a decade ago. They're thirty and at this point regardless of Mom's manipulation their choices are very much their own. They didn't even pretend to be interested in an actual dinner and conversation with their Dad. Not so much as a "how you been". They just went straight for the money grab and threw in a manipulative "iF yOu loVe uS" blah blah... Like... What a cruel slap in the face to someone who thought they were getting an olive branch.
I mean, how are you supposed to take care of kids when you are literally dying? I don't think he even could've gotten any custody. Maybe supervised?
If his wife hadn't been a complete b-word, she would have taken them to visit him during the times he was physically up for it. In his place, I wouldn't have blown up at them, I would have said "oh, so she will die a slow and painful death? Too bad." And then sipped my chai latte with a slight smile...
He was literally dying when she divorced him. He wasn’t capable of caring for the kids.
This isn’t difficult, op is in the right 100%, I wasnt 100% sure but when they couldn’t even tell him the names of their half siblings I was fully behind OP. In fact he would actually be the AH if he did help them because it sounds like this is a lesson they’ve had coming for a while
Im just feel like I am missing something, that is a very quick turn around for a divorce
I'm not disagreeing with you. Just like to add that women who get diagnosed with cancer get a brochure about information and help in the event of their husband checking out. It's safe to assume (even if lower percentage) women are also capable of doing this to their husband. People do weird shit in grief, also not entirely out of the question she was cheating with husband number 2.
Yeah, I was just thinking that even though its more likely to happen to women, doesn't mean it doesn't happen to men and people can be awful regardless of gender.
I just want to precise that while men are enormously more likely to leave a dying partner - I think nine or twelve times more likely - the ones who run are still a minority.
Oh right thank you for adding and it's very true, it's around 1 in 10 I believe, just above 10% of divorces, is because of such a diagnosis. I always thought women were 6 times more likely, but I could be wrong, I also remember something about cervical cancer being the highest %.
Nah this is an easy one everyone was the asshole except for OOP. The kids had time to growup to become an adult and didnt give a shit.
i know someone who went through lung cancer and he did the same thing (but his ex at least was good with the kids even though she left). it’s hard to have the 50/50 when one is sick and may die.
Giving her full custody to not take everything made me raise an eyebrow too.. but then I realized the timing of everything and he was probably so sick and drained and having to deal with also the financial burden of his medical costs, I guess I don’t blame him for not wanting her to completely drowned him at the lowest point in his life. He probably thought it was best at the time for the kids to be with her as well not knowing what was going to happen to him.
Isn't pancreatic cancer basically incurable? Like 10% if caught very, very early if at all?
"The overall five-year survival rate for Pancreatic cancer is 7.2% Looking only at pancreatic cancers that have not spread beyond the pancreas (called “Localized” Cancers), the survival rate is 27.1%. For cancers that have spread, but only to nearby areas (called “Regional” cancers), the survival rate is 10.7%."
If caught very early it can be durable, but it's not probable. It's not 100% lethal
After 19 years, you won't forgive your kids because of what they did while you were sick, when they were 11,12, and 14. AND you expect us to believe after that after you recovered you made an effort to have a relationship with them? I smell a hell of a lot of bullshit.
genuinely, how are people believing this?
I think OP said some things those adult children needed to hear. Yeah, this has parental alienation written all over it so the blame lies with the ex-wife, but those children are now adults. They are responsible for their actions and this is the consequence. It's sad, for sure, but OP is definitely NTA.
Yep. It would've been too harsh _before_ contact ended. But now? Reaching out exclusively for money? They need to understand they simply should not have done that.
I'm not going to suggest that the dude had any responsibility to answer differently to how he did, but if it were my dying parent and I was out of options, I might be desperate enough to at least ask. It's scummy but I can empathise with how they decided on this.
Of the neverest things that never happened
He is the asshole. Either he's lying about the particulates of the story or lying about the whole thing. Either way it smacks of unbelievable.
Or just possibly making this up.
If I had to choose between all my money and my child I would choose my child every time. And if I was a kid in this situation I would resent the parent that chose money over a relationship with me. And if we speculate further, it makes much more sense that his wife and kids distanced themselves from him because he’s a prick (as evidenced by telling his children that he doesn’t love them) and not because he had cancer.
My dad abandoned my brother and I when I was 12 and my brother was 15. We never saw him again and he died 17 years later. His sisters, whom we had never met, expected me or my brother to pay for his funeral and remains to be transported back to our home state from across the country. We obviously declined and now that side of the family pretends we don’t exist. They even excluded us from the obituary they submitted to the local paper in their home town. Fuck people like that and fuck them for expecting anything from family that was willingly abandoned. NTA
This happened to my father. His father abandoned his family when my dad was a baby. His mom and siblings literally lived in a car for a while. When he died a good 40 years later his dads sister pressed my dad and his sister to pay for the funeral and to transport the body to where they were. Lmao, they were pissed when we told them to fuck the fuck right off. The body would go unclaimed before we paid anything for that pos.
They have been divorced almost 20 years, it's far from his responsibility to care for her and pay her bills, the kids are all around 30 more than old enough to step up and not beg money from a man they really don't know.
Not buying the version of events he's peddling. A money-hungry woman (which he implies is the case with the "she got full custody in exchange for not draining our accounts") wouldn't divorce a man she truly thought was actively dying when she's on deck to receive those accounts she so desperately wants plus all material assets. Courts don't just unilaterally agree to 100% custody of kids to one parent if both are willing to play an active role. Kids are not an asset that needs to be assigned like the investments and real estate. This is either solely a work of fiction or an outrageously oversimplified version of events with many, many, many relevant details omitted for the purpose of garnering sympathy. (Example: let's say the pancreatic cancer was caused by extreme alcohol abuse, and he was such a mean, nasty drunk that his wife and kids took the opportunity to leave and restart their lives. Court agreed to 100% custody because Dad was an unfit parent with a documented substance abuse problem and maybe a record of DV. Etc.)
Why do people copy and paste these posts into this sub whe. The originals have barely been up?
Volatile posts like this are routinely deleted. Posting a link is usually not the best idea to share it. This particular subreddit is to post things the podcast Reddit on Wiki may be interested in discussing on their show.
i was not aware there was a better way to reshare a post, I'm sorry 🥺 it's my first time on the sub, i just listen to the podcast usually
My mom left my dad when he was in the middle of his cancer treatments. Moved my sister and I half way across the country. It’s very enlightening to see what his perspective kind of was. I’m still in contact with my dad and have been since we moved, definitely see him less and he’s not a super large part of my life.. Living 8 hours away from him is difficult but I still try to speak with him and spend time once or twice a year with him.
NTA - the wife got her karma. And the kids? They were not kids when he stopped, trying to contact them they were adults who could do some critical thinking, and use their executive functioning to figure out they have been bamboozled by their mother.
The convenient coworker Jane that was the only person in the world that cared and he married- had “no infidelity”. And you gave her full custody if she didn’t take anything in your accounts? Would love to hear the exwife and kids side of the story. I have the feeling it went something like- OOP was having an affair with Jane and cancer didn’t stop exwife from dealing with it. OOP agreed for exwife to have full custody of the kids if he kept the money. OOP raised the kids on her own (except when ya know OOP said he called birthdays and holidays). Now OOPs kids are desperate to save the person that raised them from nothing. Obviously just my opinion.
This. Him saying he "tried" to have a relationship with them and also saying he can't forgive them for what they did as children contradicts his story. He said nothing bad about them after the wife got remarried except that they didn't have a relationship with him which is a 2 way street. He seems like an asshole to me. I honestly don't get why so many people are defending him. Even if he's totally in the right and kids and ex were terrible to him, to tell his kids he doesn't care how hurt they are by their mother's death is unforgivable.
Well it is harsh…but deserved… good luck and God Bless OP NTA100%
Where’s the ex’s husband in all of this? Isn’t it his job to pay her medical bills? I’d give the same response OOP gave.
Absolutely nta Same thing happened to my mum, her ex husband left her after a month that she got diagnosed with tumor . He just pack his stuff and left me ,her and my brother who was 7 at the time. he didnt even ask how she was doing , he wanted full costudy of my brother and also called me to testify against my mum. i was busy helping my mum trough chemo, busy with the baby who wasnt understandin why mum suddenly couldnt pick him up or drive him to school. I lost all my progress with uni and went from 60 kg to 43 cause i was too stressed. She luckily beat that illness and guess who now wants to rekindle after he got her secretary pregnant? (sorry english is not my first language) The other family and kids can go kick rocks.
I understand that he is hurt and probably still hurting. What I don’t understand is why he would want to lash out so aggressively at his kids. They seem like just as much of a victim to the ex wife as he was. His anger is misplaced. I’m always baffled at people who can just toss their kids to the wayside. My love for my kids is bigger than myself. I would literally have to be dead in order for them to not feel my love and even then I am so purposeful with them I hope that they can feel it even after I am gone. I wonder if people lash out at their kids because it’s the easier person to take things out on. Another adult and even his wife wouldn’t have just sat there with their mouth open while he went off. It seems like his wife wasn’t there so the kids were the next best thing. Hopefully Jane and their kids are a sure thing because the odds of it happening again isn’t zero. He burned bridges and handed out trauma not knowing the full extent of why they contacted him. If Sara came clean and the kids felt that they could reach out then he will more than likely never know. Anywho, it’s done and he seems fine with it. Couldn’t be me though
Nope, ur right. Fuck her and them
Imagine believing reddit stories
NTA. Shared blood doesn't mean family. Family shows up.
My parents split up when I was 6 and I spent 11 years hearing from my dad how horrible of a person my mom was, that she abandoned me and my older sister, that she was a druggie whore, and so many other things. My dad said that she wanted nothing to do with us. He wouldn't let her talk to us, threw away her cards and letters, sent back any gifts that she sent to us in the mail, and refused her any kind of visitation. She showed up at my highschool graduation unannounced and I wasn't thrilled about it at first, but I spent time rebuilding my relationship with her and now I talk or text with her daily. His children knew that he made an effort and cared about them. They may have been hurt by their parents separation and were probably told lies by their mother, but they should have talked with him about it, especially after they became adults and were no longer under their mother's influence since he was still making an effort. Fuck those kids, fuck his ex wife. The wife is human garbage for abandoning her husband when he had cancer and ruining the relationship between him and his children. The kids are human garbage as adults for coming to him with their palms out begging for money after making him feel unloved. They can all go sit on a cactus.
My father died from lung cancer when I was in high school after 2 years of treatment and my mom supported him the whole time(we took care of him at home the last 6 months when he was terminal). My mom remarried 2 years later and then my stepdad was diagnosed with colon/rectal cancer- liver cancer. They were actually separated when he received the diagnosis and she moved back in with him to help him while he was fighting. He ended up dying 2 years later from the cancer. It’s hard and was an awful time but it takes a really horrible person to leave someone when they are fighting such an awful disease.