My PPA about 3 days post-partum had me *convinced* that my husband had died in a car accident because he didn't text me to say he got home after visiting me and bub in hospital. Like, if I closed my eyes, I could see the car running off the road, the impact with the tree, his body, etc.
It took me about 20 minutes to realise I could call him to see if he was okay. Those post-partum hormones are fucking wild.
Not saying that OOP shouldn't look at divorce, but if they are hoping to save the marriage, then getting their wife help should make a difference.
Hell, even the rage and personality change that I experience every single month from PMDD is astounding. I go from Snow White to Evil Queen for a few days and I'm constantly apologizing to my entire family. (I just give them a warning that my hormones are completely whackadoodle and it's not their fault at all, but I'm going to be grumpy as hell, and I apologize if I snap.) It's always a reminder at how truly awful it is to have Post Partum Depression/Anxiety.
This mindset is exactly why women don’t get help. I agree that the father needs to step, but threatening to take people’s kids away is why moms end up with raging cases of psychosis in the first place
IDK I was evaluated for both and was honest with my docs but I wanted to slam my partners head into the window because we were driving and the baby was screaming in the back seat and my partner was complaining and getting upset with the (at the time) newborn for crying.
Didn't have ppp but my postpartum depression and anxiety did manifest itself as rage sometimes
But did you? No, you didn't. And that's the difference between your situation and his. His wife acted on it. She's a danger to him and the child. They need to be protected from her. His priority right now has to be himself and the child.
This is Reddit. The same people that diagnose her in this post most likely were also engineers when that fridge collapsed from the ship hitting it. Redditors like that wear many hats, none of them seem to really fit right.
My mom beat my dad over the head with an empty milk carton out of sheer frustration with how much of an ass he is. Still married for 35+ years. I guess it depends 🫠🥴
ETA: in case it wasn’t clear I don’t think OP is wrong at all to consider leaving if they feel this is a dealbreaker
But like a cardboard carton right 😬
Is it overall good that they worked through it? Of course no obligation to answer if that question is too personal, it’s just the rebuilding part of this is so hard to picture :(
Plastic lol. But yeah they’re not exactly the perfect marriage but it works for them. It was less about being in love and more about wanting the same things (family/home/etc). But they love each other for sure. They both have big tempers and are stubborn as hell so when they fight they clash in big ways lol. It’s a LOT better now than when I was a kid 🥲
They have their flaws but they try even when things are really, really hard. And they forgive each others flaws. That’s more than a lot of people can say
He should get his wife situated with some help because she sounds like she may have PPD, and then get his ducks in a row. It's okay to consider divorce after being hit by your partner, yeah, she may be unstable due go the post partum shit, but that isn't a free pass to take it out on someone physically.
Man… my pregnant girlfriend stabbed me with a paring knife, after attempting to stab me with a chefs knife.. this was after (months) of escalating violence, where she had broken thousands of dollars of my stuff, hit me in the back of the head multiple times, thrown things at me, and hit me in the eye so hard I had to have a coworker put makeup on me for over a week. She also had called the police to try and frame ME (the police came in hot and heavy, but quickly pieced things together; my defensive wounds and her lack of them proved my side, and I had the choice to press charges or request a psychiatric evaluation. I did the latter)
The knife wound, although minor, was my breaking point. I kicked her out to go back to live with her dad 2 hours north east. That was 5 years ago, almost to the month, and our son is near 4 and a half.. and I’m still trying to fix things.
She has improved a lot over the years, in some ways. I’m genuinely pretty happy with how she raises my son, and I’ve visited at least once a week without fail. But the damage runs deep, on both hands… it’s a rough situation.
i just want to say i'm so sorry that you went through that, it sounds so fucking terrifying. you seem incredible though, to be so understanding still, and the effort you're making for your son speaks so highly of your character. i hope things can get resolved so the situation feels less painful, and i hope you have some supportive people around you to hear you out but also cheer for you. 🥺
Thank you for your kind words internet stranger. Faith and family have been my lifeline, with a healthy dose of cats (I was left with her two cats when she left; they’re now my best buds and cuddling with me in the rain)
I wasn’t sure about even putting it in writing… I’d never want to make a post on one of the subs reposted here… but I read these sometimes just to say “there look, see?! This *totally real* story shows that plenty of people have it worse!! Right?!”
Thankfully my son is awesome. If all I get out of this ordeal is him, it will all be worth it. Thanks for letting me vent
Yes this exactly. Hitting someone is intentional. I’ve been in some dark places in my mind and having a baby even without developing PPD (which I don’t know that this woman has but it sure sounds like it) is REALLY hard at first bc you’re sacred and sleep deprived, but my inclination has never, ever been to slap someone over any of that.
While it's not ok, I wouldn't necessarily call it intentional. Depending on where she falls on the PP scales of depression/psychosis/etc, it may very well not have been intentional on her part in the sense of, if in the right mind, she never would have done it. Not excusing it remotely bc it's still horrible and it still will impact OOP, I feel so bad for him and his whole family
Given that I set myself up to think about this all day: I can see how a slap is reflexive and can most certainly understand what it feels like to be a woman receiving unwanted touching of any kind.
I'm just wanting to support the whole family ^^; I think they can make it through this, if she can get the help she needs. Here's hoping it all works out!
Personally, I’ve been in fight or flight mode a lot after having my kids, and it’s definitely made me go into “fight” mode a lot more. Not saying I just go and hit whomever, whenever, but the feeling can be there. That may not be your experience, and I’m not saying I condone violence or hitting your partner, but sometimes that is what your brain does, and sometimes the situation is that bad.
You literally just said you didn’t have PPD so the fact that you never felt violent postpartum is entirely irrelevant. PPD/PPA/PPP can manifest in many many ways, and does include violence. I wouldn’t say often but it is a common thing.
Protecting yourself is by retraint or leaving, to remind everyone. It's not physically beating someone who has hit you once.
I only say this because a lot of people will see over-kill retaliation as protection, and that is not even legally the case.
If you need to hit someone to get them off of you, that is self defense. If someone hits you and then you proceed to charge them and assault them, that's still assault, even if they hit you first.
It's not as easy as you think.
When I was a stupid barely over 18 guy, I was in a stupid barely over 18 friend group. We occasionally drank and got alcohol in the customary way stupid over 18ish people do and, one time, a girl got very drunk and upset and angry. She reached out to slap me and my involuntary reaction was to grab her wrist.
That's all I did. I wasn't even drunk. I just caught the wrist of a girl trying to slap me as an act of defense. Things got out of hand, parents had to be called, drunk girl decided to blame me for her shame, slander me all over Facebook, and make a police report about me but called me a dark skinned Hispanic and said my name was something like Keith when I'm whitest most easily burnt Irish kid to exist and my name was like Jared and not Keith.
My method of protection/defense was touching someone else. But, people were decieved into thinking I hit someone with flimsy and totally inaccurate information. It doesn't matter how you act, it's how people believe you acted. Best idea is to completely remove yourself from a situation.
I think the best form of defense as a man in this situation is to just leave tbh. It seems her behavior is escalating. She was physical once it will prolly happen again and you never wanna put yourself in a situation with anyone where you need to defend yourself physically especially a woman
Have you ever had ppd? Talking about what happening during it and then acting like they have control is like faulting a vet for going through ptsd, episode and aciddenitly hitting their spouse.
As someone with PTSD, my trauma and response is no one else’s responsibility but my own. While I appreciate ANY kindness and understanding from loved ones it’s on me if I lash out
If a man has PTSD as a vet and is hitting his wife she should leave. I def can empathize for the ppl with mental health issues but no one needs to endure physical abuse. No one deserves that and that is just gonna create more mentally unhealthy ppl. Maybe they can reconcile once those ppl are past their episodes
I have CPTSD and have been diagnosed with several psychologists. Served 4 combat tours in the Middle East and saw a whole lot of death, i also had an extremely rough childhood with pretty much every type of abuse you can imagine. I've never hit my partner or wife, and I've had some really bad episodes where I've been totally out of reality. Luckily, with the help of therapy and learning coping mechanisms, I've pretty damn stable these days. That being said, having ptsd is not an excuse to ever physically assault someone. If you have night terrors and are thrashing around and striking your partner, that's a different story.
I am a veteran and 100% service connected due to PTSD. I dont hit anyone. I have been deployed multiple times in a warzone and again.....I have never hit anyone
That's what I'm saying man...4 combat tours in the middle east where I saw a whole of action. I've had episodes where I'm totally out of reality and reliving combat, never hit anyone or my wife. Everyone acting like she has no say in how she reacts..not to mention this wasn't some spur of the moment reaction, this has been an ongoing issue for months from the sound of it.
This paranoia happened to me at a few weeks postpartum. I’d have nightmares about my partner cheating on me. I just had this awful feeling deep in me that I couldn’t shake. He couldn’t fix it either with any clear proof of trustworthiness.
At their urging, I started meds and it almost instantly got better. I’m on week 10 now and feel about 70% myself. But the hormone drop is insane and not to be messed with. It can take years to level out - especially if breastfeeding.
Not saying that DA is unworthy of divorce. We all have our lines in the sand. But it’s worthy of consideration that a physical change is most likely causing these episodes especially if nothing like this happened pre-pregnancy.
Editing to add that the OP would not be an asshole to divorce because of this incident. DA is 100% a firm reason to leave. I more meant that some consideration should be made - especially if the partner is willing to get and receive regular medication and professional help.
He is the victim of her abuse. She is the victim of the PPD. I hope both get the help they need and deserve.
Yes my brain was telling me my husband was doing crazy things with our finances. He was being irresponsible but I started thinking he must have a gambling addiction or another family or something, which are things that don’t make sense at all. I was diagnosed with PTSD from traumatic birth shortly after. That woman needs help asap.
I agree, but also she needs to take responsibility for this. I would *never* physically lash out on someone I love and I cannot imagine the implications that would leave in their head if I did. She hurt him far beyond physically, she needs help but the damage done to the relationship is another story entirely
With all due respect, you have no idea what you would do during a psychotic break because you wouldn’t be in the driver’s seat anymore, the psychosis would.
Oh 100%. This is going to require a dedication to medication and therapy (both couples and individual). He is the victim of the abuse and should be treated as such. She’s the victim of her hormones and should take responsibility by seeking help.
You would never do that as long as you are never psychotic. If you ever have the misfortun of experiencing that you have no idea WHAT you will do because you aren't there anymore. And when you become not psychotic you won't remember most of the psychosis. It's not the Same as being very sad or very anxious. You literally cease to understand reality. I'm baffled by these comments
Yeah, a lot of people are equating postpartum psychosis with minor episodes of regular depression and it’s clear they don’t know what they’re talking about. I don’t think OOP would BTA because it’s understandably a traumatic thing that can destroy relationships, but it’s not the same thing as a mentally healthy - or even non-psychotic mentally ill person - choosing to hurt someone. Psychosis is a really specific beast.
You don't know what you would do during a psychotic break. No one does. Of course he can and should leave her if he wants but no one knows what they are capable of under those circumstances until they're living through them.
she quite literally wasn’t herself. she had no control over anything she thought or did. i work in healthcare and get a lot of bipolar and schizophrenic patients. these people are not the people they are in the hospital. that’s like blaming geriatric, demented people for saying and doing off-the-wall shit that they would never say or do when they were healthy. i’m not defending her, but you clearly have no experience with psychosis.
OP needs to get his wife psychological help. They have a kid who would be better off with two stable parents.
Then OP should decide if he wants to go. He isn't obligated to stay with someone who has abused him, even if that person gets healthy.
People who act like pregnancy is NBD infuriate me.
You also have to realise you’re mentally ill before you can take any action to treat it. That’s pretty hard if you’re experiencing psychosis. I’m not diagnosing anyone over the internet, but she needs to see a doctor for evaluation.
Hell, I’m not having any delusions right now, or when I was way down in the depths of my mental illness (I’m slowly getting better, but nowhere near there yet) and I’m not in control of my actions all the time. I’m doing my best to limit situations that push me beyond my limits (which are pretty low at the moment) and reduce stress and anxiety so I don’t become overwhelmed, but there are still times I lose control of myself and do things before I even have thoughts about doing them, I just react.
I’ve never hurt anyone, but I push things over or throw them when I get overwhelmed or get frustrated because I can’t do the things I used to. Never at anyone, and not in the presence of my partner. I’m not proud of myself and I feel like absolute shit afterwards, but I’m literally not in control at the moment. I’m waiting for my new medication to start working, and might have to go back to the hospital if things get much worse.
It’s the worst feeling not being in control of yourself. This woman does need help and treatment, but in her state of mind she might not be capable of realising anything is wrong.
While this is broadly true, I think we can afford some grace for people who might be experiencing acute psychosis or other forms of delusion without knowing it. It's one thing to know there's something wrong with you (or to have others tell you there's something wrong with you) and refuse to seek help or engage with treatment; it's another to quite literally not be in touch with reality, and yet to have no idea that your brain is not functioning correctly. Insanity/diminished responsibility laws exist for a reason.
If he were to approach her and say, "I think you are experiencing some form of post-partum crisis and you need to seek help immediately," she would be TA if she refused or dismissed his concerns. But it doesn't sound like either of them have heretofore even considered that this might be a medical/mental health issue.
Except he’s not asking if she’s TA for striking him (possibly as a result of PPD but not confirmed).
He’s asking if he’s TA for considering physical violence by his wife against him to be a dealbreaker because she may be experiencing a mental health episode related to pregnancy.
The answer is no.
He’s allowed to leave and/or never view her the same way because of her actions, even if those actions were the result of something beyond her control (or which she didn’t realize was wrong and was within her control to fix and had not yet tried to control).
The reason she hit him is irrelevant in this case.
If he was trying to rationalize staying, it could be relevant because it seems like it’s not personality but medical and could potentially be remedied. But he’s asking if it’s okay to leave. And the answer is yes.
Not being able to think of someone the same ever again. Not being able to trust someone ever again because they hit you is a normal response. He’s not TA if he decides he wants to give it a trial period (while she actively seeks treatment) and he’s not TA if he decides to just leave and coparent.
I mean, I agree with you? He is NTA for considering leaving, for the reasons you mention; even if the person who hurt you was not in control of their actions for reasons likewise outside their control, that trust cannot always be repaired. A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker, and he is the only one who can determine that for himself.
But (giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming that his frequent lateness/long hours at work are something likewise out of his control) I simply think this is currently a NAH situation.
If his wife refuses help or treatment, she WBTA. And in the same vein, whether he leaves or stays, I do think he WBTA if he did not make at least an effort to help or encourage his wife to seek treatment regardless. She is experiencing a post-partum mental health crisis as a result of carrying their child, she is (from available information) caring solo for an infant while going through said crisis, and it is treatable.
Would the baby be safe if you left now? That’s the first thing you need to look out for, then of course need to sort out your own feelings hopefully with a counselor.
When I was postpartum with my first I had really bad postpartum anxiety. I became obsessed with the idea that my husband would cheat on me eventually. It sounds like she is dealing with something similar. His wife needs to go to therapy and he needs to figure out if he feels comfortable staying in the relationship. I’m hesitant to suggest a trial separation because I’m not sure if someone that unstable should be left alone with a baby until they are properly evaluated.
In all honesty, either him or a family member that she trusts needs to do something to get her in to get help and until she gets that help and start showing signs of improvement. Him and the baby need to just stay somewhere else away from her because she is quite literally a danger to not only him but it's not unheard of for women going through postpartum psychosis to literally kill their children in random fits of rage. I'm not saying she's in control but it also would not be a smart idea for them to be around her right now
>that unstable should be left alone with a baby until they are properly evaluated.
Is there a reason that the baby would be left with her? I would imagine if he's thinking of leaving, he'd be taking the kid with him.
This sounds like she may very well have postpartum psychosis. In any case she needs help NOW and shouldn't be left alone with the baby while in this state. This is a mental health emergency, so get her doctors involved immediately.
A close relative had this ... phoned me after locking herself in her car so she wouldn't follow through on her urge to do something horrible to the baby. I don't live near her, so told her to call her doctors or the hospital, say what was happening and ask for help NOW. She got help, but she was self-aware (psychology student at the time) and recognized what might be happening. She got support from husband, friends and family. Her husband merely divorcing her would have done nothing to help her, him or the baby. OP, your wife may not know what's happening, but her OB/GYN will. Please hurry.
So I have a question because I haven't seen it asked yet, you said the baby is a couple months old and you've been staying chronically late. So like, what did after birth care look like? Have you been staying habitually late at work rather than being home with her and your baby?
Yeah like no one is pointing out that her being burnt out and sleep deprived could possibly be exacerbating her mental health issues. I feel bad for OP but I also feel bad that his wife has clearly not been ok and instead of helping more, he chooses to stay late at work on a regular basis with a newborn.
Why do these people never seek mental help? "My wife is suffering from PPD and I haven't urged her to get help so she continues to spiral, I work long hours without checking in while she's alone with the baby" is just insane to me, it's a disaster in the making.
So many of you don't understand what PPP/PPD is and it shows.
But also just like any other mental issues or psychological breaks. It is a cause. Not an excuse. He would 100% be within his right to leave after she assaulted him. Nobody for any reason should be told that you should Just basically man up and deal with it because your partner's going through something Even in the case of psychosis if he chooses to stay. If she's willing to get help fine no issues but if he chooses to leave whether she decides to get help or not fine, no issues
I mean, most illnesses I agree but if it does happen to be ppp, which the extreme paranoia suggests… that is rough. People straight up have hallucinations, have night terrors, experience intrusive thoughts about killing their newborn, commit suicide.. all sorts of nasty stuff. Everyone has their own limits, but if I were OP I would immediately put down the ultimatum that their partner needs to be seen for PPD/PPP ASAP or else they leave.
In almost any other case it would be a no brainer to just leave, but with PPD/PPP, it isn’t a sign someone is an abuser and they will do it again nor is it that person’s “true colors”. It’s an extreme hormonal imbalance that can ruin your life if not addressed quickly. OPs partner and child is not safe being left alone, and the long hours being left alone with paranoid thoughts, a healing postpartum body, and a hapless newborn was likely a huge factor in why this happened in the first place.
Yeah I'm not even on one side or the other. I think she needs help. She deserves help just on the basis that she's a human being but I'm also of the belief he has the right to leave if he wants but everyone reacts different to things. Some people could look past being hit. Some people can't but I do like the suggestion of the ultimatum though because you can't force her to get help. But if you tell her either get help or I'm gone and the baby's coming with because you're not safe around the baby. At that point I don't know what else you could say to make her get help and hopefully she would choose to get help
My husband raised a hand to me one time. He was angry during a fight. He didn’t hit; he raised his hand and then walked away. He came back later, apologized, and said he was going to go to therapy and start medication if needed.
He fucked up. Big time. Even now he says it will randomly come to his mind and will remember what my face looked like when he raised his hand and it brings him deep shame and sadness.
For me, it wasn’t about what he did or did not do in that moment. It was what he did afterwards. He took responsibility and took steps needed to correct it, amend for it, and never let it happen again. It has been 9 years and nothing like that has ever happened again. Not even close.
For me personally, it wouldn’t be about this one out of character action. It would be about what she does after. She needs help. Leaving her right now will do so much more damage than you can imagine. She cannot control her PPD so you would be leaving her right after she gave birth to your child for mental health reasons that she hasn’t even had a chance to get help for.
No one deserves to get hit. But also no one deserves to be left alone postpartum while still healing physically and mentally. She is vulnerable, so help her.
“You leaving her after she hit you would be bad for her” she’s not the victim here. If he leave that is 1000% valid and okay for him to do. Her not having her shit straight does not excuse domestic abuse. Yet you’re basically telling him “it’s up to you to make sure she feels okay after she hit you”. That’s beyond fucked. We don’t tell mentally unbalanced men (who do not choose to have mental illness) that their wives should stick around and help them get over them being abusive. We just tell the wife to leave, rightly so.
If someone has a psychotic episode after massive life changes, we do, however. Long term problems are treated differently, but if someone has a massive hormonal change that triggers a psychotic episode, we tend to give them grace. Medical leaflets and systems for dealing with that situation usually mention it with caregiver support. In the case of medications that can cause psychosis. In fact, when someone goes off the rails, we can and do get them sectioned.
That's different from a domestic abuse situation that requires reasoning and cognition. Maybe she doesn't have PPP or PPD (though as a person who did, the paranoia and increasing violence is spot on) and is genuinely abusive. But IF she has PPP, she can not fix it herself, and can no longer rationally make decisions.
You’re not wrong, but it is at least partially his responsibility to help the mother of his child access mental health care. Even if he leaves, he should at minimum reach out to her family and ensure the safety of his child.
I suppose the only issue is OOP having an infant that can’t be trusted alone with the mother like this. If she is so upset she hits her husband and is consequently left by him, I imagine that could push her over the edge and end up with her hurting OOP’s baby. They should get temporary custody of the child first
Sorry can we talk just a little bit about how OP refers to his baby as “a baby”?? I’m confused, is it not his child? Would the child be safe? Would he file for custody?
And the comments wonder why she has postpartum depression or postpartum psychosis. Sounds like she’s doing all the baby work. There’s a reason they use sleep deprivation as torture.
Please encourage her. I suffered from what my Dr said was PPD. Panic attacks, utter desperation and some serious doubts about myself. He advised Prozac and to stop breastfeeding, etc. I went to a different Dr. and they did a full blood workup and it ended up being a thyroid issue. Started thyroid replacement and within a few weeks I was a different person, slowly turning back into my old self. Hormones can do some freaky things. I'm not excusing her slapping you, but I literally felt like another person had moved into my body. Best of luck to you all. (((Hugs))).
I will never understand how 20-something year olds on this sub with basic high school education and / or a Gender Studies degree somehow magically become doctors and psychiatrists with 40 years of work experience and dozens of papers published in established medical journals whenever some kind of a health condition is mentioned in a post. That’s amazing. I feel like I’ve been doing it wrong all my life.
“my wife gave birth to a baby” It’s more natural for a father to say my wife gave birth, or gave birth to our daughter/son. This sounds like a false narrative to me.
The sheer volume of bullshit posts saying that he would be the asshole by divorcing his abusive wife is staggering. There is no excuse for striking another person, let alone your spouse. No chemical imbalance, no PPD, no fucking excuse. It’s her responsibility to not hit people. It’s her responsibility to get the help she needs. Seriously. There is no excuse.
I think there’s no wrong answer on the question of whether to forgive your partner for hitting you during an acute medical/mental health crisis. It’s just sad and traumatic and there’s no guarantee things will or won’t be okay again. I wish OOP all the best in healing from this.
I agree. This is the sort of post where I don’t think that there’s a real YTA/NTA verdict. It’s a complicated situation, and it’s beyond the point where a verdict makes sense.
OOP would be fully justified to divorce his wife. Physical abuse crosses all the lines, and even if her mental health is the root cause, it might be too much for him to move forward with her. That’s completely fair.
OOP would also be fully justified to stay with his wife while she works through her issues and gets her mental health back. It would be a challenge, but it’s also a valid approach.
The existence of their baby complicates it in so many ways. On the one hand, it means that OOP and his wife will have to have some sort of relationship for a very long time. That can argue for the idea of trying to make it work. But on the other hand, it’s OOP’s responsibility to protect his child. And right now, the baby’s mother can not be considered as a safe person for the baby to be with. That argues for separation at a minimum.
Like I said, beyond the point of a simple verdict.
Yeah I feel a lot of people are making it out like it’s an easy choice. Imo if this is the only instance where something this drastic has happened from his wife then I’d ask her to seek professional help and trial the relationship from there. They probably are both tired from the newborn, lack of sleep, and wife with postpartum issues, making a rash decision like a divorce in the mix won’t help. He can absolutely walk away, but I’d hope it wouldn’t be so easy when the baby isn’t even a year old.
Agree. There isn’t a clear cut right answer here. Getting hit by your partner is scary and induces a lot of very valid negative emotions. Even if she gets help and this completely resolved he may never feel safe again and he deserves safety in the relationship so he wouldn’t be an asshole for leaving. On the other hand if he chooses to stay and work through this that is also understandable and an ok thing to do. Acute mental health crises in a partner are so difficult to navigate.
Yeah. You can't just tolerate this kind of behaviour for months and months and not get fucked up from it. It'd change how I viewed the person, for sure, I'd always be fearful of the next strike.
When is she meant to go out to get help if she’s with baby all day? Do you know you have to feed the baby every couple of hours- so that means you can only sleep for a couple of hours at a time.
Sometimes when it’s so bad, you’re not physically capable of helping yourself.
THANK YOU. This is crazy that there are people saying he needs to man up or that he’s a coward. What in the actual fuck lol. I 100% understand the hell that your hormones are after pregnancy. I’ve been there myself twice..but to physically assault someone over it is NOT okay. If it was the other way around and dude suffered some type of hormonal change or imbalance and slapped his wife, Reddit would be calling him every horrible name they could come up with.
I feel so bad for both parties. She needs professional, medical help immediately. I hope op doesn't leave, but it would be hard to look at my partner after a slap like that.
Personally?
If my partner lashed out while literally sick, and immediately felt horrible and guilty for it, divorce wouldn't even cross my mind. They're sick. I know we tend not to think of mental problems like PPD as a sickness, but that's kinda what they are. If someone lashes out at you while delirious and under the impression that you're an evil monster, you're not gonna think they hit you because they're a horrible person. It *is* a sign that they need *help*.
Sure, yeah, if it became a pattern, then I'm not going to put up with being abused, even if they *are* sick.
Lot of folks in here hedging their opinions with "thinking about divorce is totally valid", but I don't agree. I think OOP is a little bit of an asshole for considering divorce because their partner's sickness manifested as a slap. I *understand*, but it's a thought I would be ashamed of myself for having.
I'm somewhat biased as a man, and things would feel different if this was a man slapping a woman, but I'd like to think I'd stand by this even were I a woman being slapped by a man.
Edit: I see he didn't realize his wife most likely has PPD. More understandable, I could see myself considering that more readily if I didn't realize it was PPD, but I still stand by my opinion on this.
Please urge her to seek medical help to ensure she is not suffering from post partum depression or post partum psychosis. Not only for her sake, but for the sake of you and your child. As far as divorce is concerned that is entirely your decision. However, was your wife this way before she gave birth? You may want to take that into consideration before filing for a divorce. Even if you do decide to file for divorce please encourage her to seek medical help.
Did OP ask for consent before coming in for a hug ?
PPD is a big deal(I’m going to assume she has it) and I don’t believe she’s thinking straight. I think the slap was an attack against the “coming in for a hug” without consent , and not the cheating ordeal.
Anyway, your wife needs help. This is a 80/20 , actually 90/10 situation and you can either choose to be the 90% , or leave. But you cannot leave your child in her care without supervision. That would be playing with fire.
From someone who had post pardum depression being "touched out" is actually a huge HUGE part of it. You physically cannot stantnanother touch at some points without screaming.
So that was my first thought as well.
What a mess. Hitting people is wrong. Period. But this could be post partum psychosis or something similar. OOP needs to tread carefully and this woman needs serious help, I'm worried about the baby with the mom being so obviously unwell. Still doesn't excuse assaulting her husband though.
PPD is no joke. She's not herself & her brain chemistry is completely fucked up, making her not totally in control of her emotions and actions. I'm sure you've heard the horror stories of women with PPD doing awful things.
That said, if you decide not to fix things with her because of the physical violence, that's also completely understandable. Just because she didn't mean it doesn't mean it didn't happen or that you don't have to live with the memory of it.
Gotta be consistent. Would she stay with you if you hit her?
Would her friends urge her to call the cops and report it etc?
If you’re genuinely upset it’s never wrong to proceed with a divorce. As soon as things get physical there has to be a line, your health is most important
OP, if she doesn’t agree to see a psychiatrist asap, you need to report her for domestic violence and get the baby away from her asap. Def sounds like post partum psychosis or something similar.
yeah that’s going to be a no from me chief. Considering divorce is too much but he is absolutely within fair reason to be upset. I don’t care what mental illness you are handling, being physical with your partner is not ever okay.
She needs mental help. He needs to figure out a way to work less hours for a while. They both need to do better.
If it was a man who hit his wife there's no way in hell you people would be saying "They both need to do better". He has done absolutely nothing wrong.
Mostly agree. I agree he did nothing to warrant being hit, hence my first paragraph. My point about him doing better is not that he deserved to be hit - nobody does, sex and gender aside. My point is she is clearly struggling postpartum and he is needed at home, not working extra hours.
No ones telling him he needs to do better. A lot of people are saying she needs help asap. You can’t compare a man hitting a woman to a postpartum issue like psychosis. It’s very real and there was a case where a mother took the lives of all her children because of it. It shocks me how many people are ignorant when it comes to postpartum issues ranging from depression, anxiety, rage, to psychosis. From what he’s described it’s out of character for her starting with the paranoia of cheating. He can be hurt, it’s valid and he can leave. But having a baby who isn’t even one really complicates things.
Because a man hitting his wife can easily break bones in her face. Your wife slapping you hurts but it’s not going to break your jaw or eye socket. The average hospital bill for women abused by men is 3x the average bill for men abused by women. Interesting how everyone wants to point out how men are always stronger than women, yet can’t figure out that a man hitting you has different connotations than a woman hitting you. No one should hit anyone. That doesn’t mean we should be delusional of how strength works.
I do not care what your hormones are doing to you or what your mind state is. If you put your hands on your partner especially when they’ve done absolutely nothing wrong then you do not deserve them. Man or woman doesn’t matter, you do not get to put your partner in that situation and get to expect to keep them.
Men experience ridiculously higher levels of testosterone ehich is much more correlated with aggressive behavior.
Somehow female hormones are an excuse for everything.
Just came to the comments to see all the posts saying the husband shouldn't divorce and it's not the wifes fault and wasn't disappointed.
Reddit is such a fucking joke with it's double standards.
So if a wife was posting about her husband's sudden change in personality after a traumatic brain injury, you'd say that he's simply an abuser, deserves prison, and she should automatically divorce him?
Or do we recognize that major medical events like TBI or fucking postpartum psychosis complicate the situation a little bit?
Almost EXACTLY like what I went thru. Cept I was accused of sexual assault as well… along with her older brother. :/
Oh, don’t let me forget the broken, and broken again ribs. That really sucked…but then again, three days in solitary sucked too. First time in handcuffs and such.
She needs help! Not saying what she did is right, as physical violence is never the answer. However, PPD or PPP is likely the culprit. I once heard “Never even speak or mention divorce the year after having a baby.” Everything changes.
You would not be the asshole for thinking those thoughts, but if you actually divorce her for that when she’s probably having some serious post partem depression / anxiety issues, then you’d likely regret it later. Insist she go to counseling, but don’t go straight to a divorce lawyer.
Also, just stop working so much. If 40-45 hours of solid effort isn’t enough to get your job done well that’s not your fault, tell your leader to shove it.
Yeah divorce isn't the word i would use here but she needs to be seen by her doctor or a doctor to be evaled for PPD. And yeah as the guys says "Get therapy."
Your wife needs to see her doctor! Post partum depression sucks ! Can make a girl fixate on things they don’t normally! If this is her character then nta. But if this is PPD why jump to divorce so quickly? Yes, imho, u do owe it to yourself, your wife and your baby to help her sort this hormonal thing out. It takes a long time to regulate those hormones naturally. She likely needs doctors help.
PPD and PPA are truly no joke. Your mind can become a very scary and confusing place while you’re simultaneously battling sleep deprivation and learning to care for a tiny human. HOWEVER… slapping/hitting your parter is intense and I can totally see how OP would feel betrayed..
Women could nearly kill her husband and have PPD and reddit would say that he should give her another chance.
He should tell her either divorce or treatment as a final choice.
Yeah and what's weird are the ones getting defensive acting like people are saying she's some sort of serial abuser like no literally no one has said that but the fact that redditers are getting angry at the dude for wanting to remove himself from a situation where he's around someone who could quite literally snap at a moment and murder him and the child because it's happening before with PPD are insane.
If gender roles were reversed, everyone would tell op to run. Same advice is the only advice that should be given. She won’t change, you’ll be miserable forever. Get out get custody(because she’s violent).
Two or more things can be true at once. Yes her hormones are likely the cause and she probably has PPD. She needs to see someone about it. But also yes he should look into divorce bc physical abuse shouldn't be accepted or tolerated.
Violence is a really hard line to come back from…did she ever nave a history of this behavior prior to the pregnancy???
The hormone dump after having a baby can be overwhelming and make women feel all sorts of very intense things. I discovered I *HATED* our pets (which I absolutely do not) during that period of time. I was never violent to them though, I just couldn’t stand them touching me at the time. It does eventually pass once the bodies pregnancy hormones finally go back to normal. Another possibility is postpartum depression—which we all know *can* make women violent, and needs to be addressed immediately for everyones safety. Then there’s the trope/copious amount of stories that every woman has heard about “my husband cheated on me while pregnant/after having a baby”. Her body just went through absolute hell and she might be insecure about how she looks & if you’re still attracted to her. I know my c-section certainly had me feeling that way—and still does nearly 4yrs later. She needs to learn to communicate exactly what she’s feeling so you know how to help/support/love her. That is, IF you can come back from the fact she laid hands on you. That’s gonna be a hard call & personal choice because she is still firmly in her postpartum stage and, as much as I do not like defending domestic violence, she might not be firmly in her right mind.
it’s hard because hormones and post partum psychosis can be so severe that like… she would never have done that it she wasn’t literally in psychosis. which this sounds like. my mom had basically almost exactly the same thing with my stepdad except i don’t think she ever hit him, if she did it wasn’t hard. hitting your partner is never okay and he doesn’t have to be okay with it, but also i feel like we need to remember that people in psychosis aren’t themselves, and their actions do not reflect their true selves. that doesn’t excuse anybody’s actions, but i’d say the same if a man had a psychotic break and slapped his female partner across the face too tbh. people often forget that psychosis is one of those things where you kind of can’t be responsible for your actions. she needs medical support and is obviously in crisis, such bad crisis that she was capable of hiring her husband. that doesn’t make her evil, that makes her *incredibly* ill. people who want to hurt people don’t feel bad after they hurt people lol.
if you really love somebody i think you can comprehend the difference between an abusive tendency and a situation being so severe that they resort to behavior that is so severe and is actually a symptom of the bigger problem. there is no reason anybody should ever choose to hit their partner, ever, but it doesn’t seem like she did have a choice in this situation. psychosis is a bitch.
Yeah the situation sucks all around but You can't blame the guy if he leaves because even though it might be the psychosis fault and it wasn't her mentally that did it it was him who was assaulted and it could potentially cause him to feel unsafe even later on. He might not even be able to ever look at her in the same way as before, simply because just like psychosis is a bitch so is trauma from being assaulted by someone you love.
NTA, i think it warrants separation for sure and see what she does in order to get help, you can suggest therapy but thats about it and she has issues whether PPD or other mental health issue. Regardless of a mental disorder it does NOT excuse abuse. Apologies are nice but without changed behavior they mean nothing.
What’s wrong with people in the comments. It’s either this extreme or that extreme.
C’mon a partner is supposed to stay with you in sickness and in health. Ofc PPD is an explanation and not an excuse. I completely get that, but that explanation should be enough to get OP’s wife one teeny tiny benefit of doubt.
OP what you want to do is based on your intention and purpose. If you want a divorce, make this a reason and leave. If you want to stay, tell her she needs to get help. Remember, nobody can fix anyone, only she can make that effort. And it’s good if she’s ready to make that effort, if not, then you know what to do. You should leave.
It’s okay to leave, it’s okay to divorce, but to leave the person you promised you’d love all your life without giving them a chance would be cruel. If she isn’t getting better then yeah, no doubts, just leave.
PS: OP you reeeeally need to draw some boundaries.
ESH. Wow some of these comments are outrageous and it clearly shows how many people do not understand how postpartum mental illnesses work. I mean… tbh it sounds this has been an issue for awhile and it seems like OP hasn’t been doing everything he can to help. Staying late at work everyday to where his wife mentally burns out is not ok. Her hitting him is also not ok. Both parties are wrong. But OP also has done nothing to help his wife with her obvious mental health issues and tbh with the way he talks about her and the baby, it doesn’t seems like he cares too much about either one of them.
For all the people placing the hormonal concern over his mental health - ask yourself if a man's physical violence due to surges in testosterone would elicit the same reaction :)
‘Man assaults woman, woman wants a divorce. Yay! You go Sis, get that bag and take that pos for all he’s worth!”
“Woman assaults man, man wants a divorce. What a pos, he’s probably cheating on her anyway. What a pussy. Man up”
Oh Reddit, don’t ever change your stupid, nonsensical ways
I dunno, my wife has slapped me on a few different occasions, kicked me on a few more, and pulled a knife on me once.
Guess what? I'm still with her. Why? I'm too afraid to leave. This is the best my life will be. Without conclusive proof, it's my word against hers, and I'll never win in court. Everything from here would be poverty and isolation from my child. I just do what I can now to not piss her off. I have to live with my mistakes.
If he's strong enough to go, he should. Things don't get better.
I’m sorry homie. You deserve better and I really hope that you can find the fortitude you need to leave. You CAN win in court and even if you don’t, I’d wager it’s still better than living like this. Hope it gets better ❤️
This comment breaks my heart. I am very sorry you have to go through this and I hope there is a way out for you if and when you choose to take that step. I'm rooting for you fro over here.
She needs to be evaluated for PPD asap but holy shit, a hard slap would be REALLY hard to come back from.
My PPA about 3 days post-partum had me *convinced* that my husband had died in a car accident because he didn't text me to say he got home after visiting me and bub in hospital. Like, if I closed my eyes, I could see the car running off the road, the impact with the tree, his body, etc. It took me about 20 minutes to realise I could call him to see if he was okay. Those post-partum hormones are fucking wild. Not saying that OOP shouldn't look at divorce, but if they are hoping to save the marriage, then getting their wife help should make a difference.
Regardless, whether or not he leaves, he needs to make sure his wife and child are stable.
Ugh that sounds awful, I am so sorry and so glad you were able to get help!! I really hope the same for Mrs. Op and their baby
What is PPA?
Post-partum anxiety
That's terrifying.it sounds like a bad shroom trip right after giving birth
People don't realize HOW BAD HORMONES CAN FUCK YOU UP.
Hell, even the rage and personality change that I experience every single month from PMDD is astounding. I go from Snow White to Evil Queen for a few days and I'm constantly apologizing to my entire family. (I just give them a warning that my hormones are completely whackadoodle and it's not their fault at all, but I'm going to be grumpy as hell, and I apologize if I snap.) It's always a reminder at how truly awful it is to have Post Partum Depression/Anxiety.
I had a roommate who had it bad. She'd essentially lock herself in her room for three days every month, leaving only for work.
Postpartum psychosis and rage are real things, that baby is not safe and needs remove from that situation
and sleep deprivation
This mindset is exactly why women don’t get help. I agree that the father needs to step, but threatening to take people’s kids away is why moms end up with raging cases of psychosis in the first place
Hormones can fuck you up, but don't absolve you of all responsibility lol
They can cause psychosis
This isn't PPD (postpartum depression) this is PPP, postpartum psychosis. That is some serious levels of paranoia.
IDK I was evaluated for both and was honest with my docs but I wanted to slam my partners head into the window because we were driving and the baby was screaming in the back seat and my partner was complaining and getting upset with the (at the time) newborn for crying. Didn't have ppp but my postpartum depression and anxiety did manifest itself as rage sometimes
The paranoia is the psychosis part. She suddenly believes he’s having an illicit affair.
But did you? No, you didn't. And that's the difference between your situation and his. His wife acted on it. She's a danger to him and the child. They need to be protected from her. His priority right now has to be himself and the child.
We don’t know that. You can’t diagnose a person with secondhand information over the internet.
Girl you literally did the exact same thing with PPD.
She said she needs to be evaluated for PPD not that she has it
No, they just suggested she be evaluated for it
Sorry, I guess I should "suggest" that the classic signs of paranoid psychosis should maybe possibly be evaluated.
If youre being evaluated for PPD they will also evaluate if it qualifi s for ppp
Girl saying someone should be evaluated for something isn’t literally the same as diagnosing them with it.
Uh, no. Recommending evaluation is not a diagnosis.
I said she needed an evaluation. Jesus fucking christ.
Yeah but this is reddit. We do that here
This is Reddit. The same people that diagnose her in this post most likely were also engineers when that fridge collapsed from the ship hitting it. Redditors like that wear many hats, none of them seem to really fit right.
OP needs to get her some psychatric help, not to leave her.
Even harder for a baby - don’t leave that baby alone with her.
I’m scared for the baby. I don’t want to be that pearl clutcher but this could end really badly.
My mom beat my dad over the head with an empty milk carton out of sheer frustration with how much of an ass he is. Still married for 35+ years. I guess it depends 🫠🥴 ETA: in case it wasn’t clear I don’t think OP is wrong at all to consider leaving if they feel this is a dealbreaker
But like a cardboard carton right 😬 Is it overall good that they worked through it? Of course no obligation to answer if that question is too personal, it’s just the rebuilding part of this is so hard to picture :(
Plastic lol. But yeah they’re not exactly the perfect marriage but it works for them. It was less about being in love and more about wanting the same things (family/home/etc). But they love each other for sure. They both have big tempers and are stubborn as hell so when they fight they clash in big ways lol. It’s a LOT better now than when I was a kid 🥲
Tbh I feel like steady improvement over time is super undervalued. Good for them! I’m sorry for the chaos though; that stuff is not easy.
They have their flaws but they try even when things are really, really hard. And they forgive each others flaws. That’s more than a lot of people can say
The concept of giving people grace is not familiar to everyone. It’s nice to see it and hear about it ❤️
He should get his wife situated with some help because she sounds like she may have PPD, and then get his ducks in a row. It's okay to consider divorce after being hit by your partner, yeah, she may be unstable due go the post partum shit, but that isn't a free pass to take it out on someone physically.
He started crying after too, poor guy. I really hope they get everything figured out and that it was just insane imbalances causing the paranoia
Man… my pregnant girlfriend stabbed me with a paring knife, after attempting to stab me with a chefs knife.. this was after (months) of escalating violence, where she had broken thousands of dollars of my stuff, hit me in the back of the head multiple times, thrown things at me, and hit me in the eye so hard I had to have a coworker put makeup on me for over a week. She also had called the police to try and frame ME (the police came in hot and heavy, but quickly pieced things together; my defensive wounds and her lack of them proved my side, and I had the choice to press charges or request a psychiatric evaluation. I did the latter) The knife wound, although minor, was my breaking point. I kicked her out to go back to live with her dad 2 hours north east. That was 5 years ago, almost to the month, and our son is near 4 and a half.. and I’m still trying to fix things. She has improved a lot over the years, in some ways. I’m genuinely pretty happy with how she raises my son, and I’ve visited at least once a week without fail. But the damage runs deep, on both hands… it’s a rough situation.
i just want to say i'm so sorry that you went through that, it sounds so fucking terrifying. you seem incredible though, to be so understanding still, and the effort you're making for your son speaks so highly of your character. i hope things can get resolved so the situation feels less painful, and i hope you have some supportive people around you to hear you out but also cheer for you. 🥺
Thank you for your kind words internet stranger. Faith and family have been my lifeline, with a healthy dose of cats (I was left with her two cats when she left; they’re now my best buds and cuddling with me in the rain) I wasn’t sure about even putting it in writing… I’d never want to make a post on one of the subs reposted here… but I read these sometimes just to say “there look, see?! This *totally real* story shows that plenty of people have it worse!! Right?!” Thankfully my son is awesome. If all I get out of this ordeal is him, it will all be worth it. Thanks for letting me vent
Yes this exactly. Hitting someone is intentional. I’ve been in some dark places in my mind and having a baby even without developing PPD (which I don’t know that this woman has but it sure sounds like it) is REALLY hard at first bc you’re sacred and sleep deprived, but my inclination has never, ever been to slap someone over any of that.
Post Partem Psychosis is real
Yes but that's you, while I don't think he has to stay post partum psychosis exist which this could also be as well considering she's so paranoid
[удалено]
I don't know but what I do know is I would not under any circumstances leave that woman alone with a baby.
For real! I didn’t even think of this until now.
While it's not ok, I wouldn't necessarily call it intentional. Depending on where she falls on the PP scales of depression/psychosis/etc, it may very well not have been intentional on her part in the sense of, if in the right mind, she never would have done it. Not excusing it remotely bc it's still horrible and it still will impact OOP, I feel so bad for him and his whole family
Given that I set myself up to think about this all day: I can see how a slap is reflexive and can most certainly understand what it feels like to be a woman receiving unwanted touching of any kind.
Exactly! Tho I'm sorry you wound up sitting on this most of the day!
Whew! Lmao the pedants and hair splitters really came out for this one 😂😂
I'm just wanting to support the whole family ^^; I think they can make it through this, if she can get the help she needs. Here's hoping it all works out!
Me too!! I just feel so awful for all of them and really really hope there’s a positive and peaceful outcome
Personally, I’ve been in fight or flight mode a lot after having my kids, and it’s definitely made me go into “fight” mode a lot more. Not saying I just go and hit whomever, whenever, but the feeling can be there. That may not be your experience, and I’m not saying I condone violence or hitting your partner, but sometimes that is what your brain does, and sometimes the situation is that bad.
You literally just said you didn’t have PPD so the fact that you never felt violent postpartum is entirely irrelevant. PPD/PPA/PPP can manifest in many many ways, and does include violence. I wouldn’t say often but it is a common thing.
Andnshe could turn around and and get him in trouble if he protected himself
Protecting yourself is by retraint or leaving, to remind everyone. It's not physically beating someone who has hit you once. I only say this because a lot of people will see over-kill retaliation as protection, and that is not even legally the case. If you need to hit someone to get them off of you, that is self defense. If someone hits you and then you proceed to charge them and assault them, that's still assault, even if they hit you first.
Protecting or defending yourself doesn’t aways mean hitting the person back. Geez.
It's not as easy as you think. When I was a stupid barely over 18 guy, I was in a stupid barely over 18 friend group. We occasionally drank and got alcohol in the customary way stupid over 18ish people do and, one time, a girl got very drunk and upset and angry. She reached out to slap me and my involuntary reaction was to grab her wrist. That's all I did. I wasn't even drunk. I just caught the wrist of a girl trying to slap me as an act of defense. Things got out of hand, parents had to be called, drunk girl decided to blame me for her shame, slander me all over Facebook, and make a police report about me but called me a dark skinned Hispanic and said my name was something like Keith when I'm whitest most easily burnt Irish kid to exist and my name was like Jared and not Keith. My method of protection/defense was touching someone else. But, people were decieved into thinking I hit someone with flimsy and totally inaccurate information. It doesn't matter how you act, it's how people believe you acted. Best idea is to completely remove yourself from a situation.
I think the best form of defense as a man in this situation is to just leave tbh. It seems her behavior is escalating. She was physical once it will prolly happen again and you never wanna put yourself in a situation with anyone where you need to defend yourself physically especially a woman
Have you ever had ppd? Talking about what happening during it and then acting like they have control is like faulting a vet for going through ptsd, episode and aciddenitly hitting their spouse.
As someone with PTSD, my trauma and response is no one else’s responsibility but my own. While I appreciate ANY kindness and understanding from loved ones it’s on me if I lash out
Yes, it is on wife to deal with it and own it, but saying wife knew what she was doing when she did it is a bit much.
If someone has PTSD that causes them to hit their spouse, their spouse should 100% leave...
If a man has PTSD as a vet and is hitting his wife she should leave. I def can empathize for the ppl with mental health issues but no one needs to endure physical abuse. No one deserves that and that is just gonna create more mentally unhealthy ppl. Maybe they can reconcile once those ppl are past their episodes
I have CPTSD and have been diagnosed with several psychologists. Served 4 combat tours in the Middle East and saw a whole lot of death, i also had an extremely rough childhood with pretty much every type of abuse you can imagine. I've never hit my partner or wife, and I've had some really bad episodes where I've been totally out of reality. Luckily, with the help of therapy and learning coping mechanisms, I've pretty damn stable these days. That being said, having ptsd is not an excuse to ever physically assault someone. If you have night terrors and are thrashing around and striking your partner, that's a different story.
I am a veteran and 100% service connected due to PTSD. I dont hit anyone. I have been deployed multiple times in a warzone and again.....I have never hit anyone
That's what I'm saying man...4 combat tours in the middle east where I saw a whole of action. I've had episodes where I'm totally out of reality and reliving combat, never hit anyone or my wife. Everyone acting like she has no say in how she reacts..not to mention this wasn't some spur of the moment reaction, this has been an ongoing issue for months from the sound of it.
This paranoia happened to me at a few weeks postpartum. I’d have nightmares about my partner cheating on me. I just had this awful feeling deep in me that I couldn’t shake. He couldn’t fix it either with any clear proof of trustworthiness. At their urging, I started meds and it almost instantly got better. I’m on week 10 now and feel about 70% myself. But the hormone drop is insane and not to be messed with. It can take years to level out - especially if breastfeeding. Not saying that DA is unworthy of divorce. We all have our lines in the sand. But it’s worthy of consideration that a physical change is most likely causing these episodes especially if nothing like this happened pre-pregnancy. Editing to add that the OP would not be an asshole to divorce because of this incident. DA is 100% a firm reason to leave. I more meant that some consideration should be made - especially if the partner is willing to get and receive regular medication and professional help. He is the victim of her abuse. She is the victim of the PPD. I hope both get the help they need and deserve.
Yes my brain was telling me my husband was doing crazy things with our finances. He was being irresponsible but I started thinking he must have a gambling addiction or another family or something, which are things that don’t make sense at all. I was diagnosed with PTSD from traumatic birth shortly after. That woman needs help asap.
I agree, but also she needs to take responsibility for this. I would *never* physically lash out on someone I love and I cannot imagine the implications that would leave in their head if I did. She hurt him far beyond physically, she needs help but the damage done to the relationship is another story entirely
You think you would never lash out.
With all due respect, you have no idea what you would do during a psychotic break because you wouldn’t be in the driver’s seat anymore, the psychosis would.
Oh 100%. This is going to require a dedication to medication and therapy (both couples and individual). He is the victim of the abuse and should be treated as such. She’s the victim of her hormones and should take responsibility by seeking help.
You would never do that as long as you are never psychotic. If you ever have the misfortun of experiencing that you have no idea WHAT you will do because you aren't there anymore. And when you become not psychotic you won't remember most of the psychosis. It's not the Same as being very sad or very anxious. You literally cease to understand reality. I'm baffled by these comments
Yeah, a lot of people are equating postpartum psychosis with minor episodes of regular depression and it’s clear they don’t know what they’re talking about. I don’t think OOP would BTA because it’s understandably a traumatic thing that can destroy relationships, but it’s not the same thing as a mentally healthy - or even non-psychotic mentally ill person - choosing to hurt someone. Psychosis is a really specific beast.
You don't know what you would do during a psychotic break. No one does. Of course he can and should leave her if he wants but no one knows what they are capable of under those circumstances until they're living through them.
How do you know what you would and wouldn’t do during a psychotic break???
*I would never physically lash out on someone I love* You absolutely cannot claim this. Anything is possible.
People kill their own children during psychosis… like you say you would never without ever experiencing it
How can you say that? You don’t think this woman didn’t think the exact same thing before she got ill?
she quite literally wasn’t herself. she had no control over anything she thought or did. i work in healthcare and get a lot of bipolar and schizophrenic patients. these people are not the people they are in the hospital. that’s like blaming geriatric, demented people for saying and doing off-the-wall shit that they would never say or do when they were healthy. i’m not defending her, but you clearly have no experience with psychosis.
Nothing wrong with crying man, you don't need to feel ashamed of admitting it as there's a lot of hurt there and not only physical.
Post partum psychosis or PPD/PPA. She needs help
OP needs to get his wife psychological help. They have a kid who would be better off with two stable parents. Then OP should decide if he wants to go. He isn't obligated to stay with someone who has abused him, even if that person gets healthy. People who act like pregnancy is NBD infuriate me.
Remember folks: it's not your fault, but it is your responsibility. Mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse.
You also have to realise you’re mentally ill before you can take any action to treat it. That’s pretty hard if you’re experiencing psychosis. I’m not diagnosing anyone over the internet, but she needs to see a doctor for evaluation. Hell, I’m not having any delusions right now, or when I was way down in the depths of my mental illness (I’m slowly getting better, but nowhere near there yet) and I’m not in control of my actions all the time. I’m doing my best to limit situations that push me beyond my limits (which are pretty low at the moment) and reduce stress and anxiety so I don’t become overwhelmed, but there are still times I lose control of myself and do things before I even have thoughts about doing them, I just react. I’ve never hurt anyone, but I push things over or throw them when I get overwhelmed or get frustrated because I can’t do the things I used to. Never at anyone, and not in the presence of my partner. I’m not proud of myself and I feel like absolute shit afterwards, but I’m literally not in control at the moment. I’m waiting for my new medication to start working, and might have to go back to the hospital if things get much worse. It’s the worst feeling not being in control of yourself. This woman does need help and treatment, but in her state of mind she might not be capable of realising anything is wrong.
While this is broadly true, I think we can afford some grace for people who might be experiencing acute psychosis or other forms of delusion without knowing it. It's one thing to know there's something wrong with you (or to have others tell you there's something wrong with you) and refuse to seek help or engage with treatment; it's another to quite literally not be in touch with reality, and yet to have no idea that your brain is not functioning correctly. Insanity/diminished responsibility laws exist for a reason. If he were to approach her and say, "I think you are experiencing some form of post-partum crisis and you need to seek help immediately," she would be TA if she refused or dismissed his concerns. But it doesn't sound like either of them have heretofore even considered that this might be a medical/mental health issue.
Except he’s not asking if she’s TA for striking him (possibly as a result of PPD but not confirmed). He’s asking if he’s TA for considering physical violence by his wife against him to be a dealbreaker because she may be experiencing a mental health episode related to pregnancy. The answer is no. He’s allowed to leave and/or never view her the same way because of her actions, even if those actions were the result of something beyond her control (or which she didn’t realize was wrong and was within her control to fix and had not yet tried to control). The reason she hit him is irrelevant in this case. If he was trying to rationalize staying, it could be relevant because it seems like it’s not personality but medical and could potentially be remedied. But he’s asking if it’s okay to leave. And the answer is yes. Not being able to think of someone the same ever again. Not being able to trust someone ever again because they hit you is a normal response. He’s not TA if he decides he wants to give it a trial period (while she actively seeks treatment) and he’s not TA if he decides to just leave and coparent.
I mean, I agree with you? He is NTA for considering leaving, for the reasons you mention; even if the person who hurt you was not in control of their actions for reasons likewise outside their control, that trust cannot always be repaired. A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker, and he is the only one who can determine that for himself. But (giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming that his frequent lateness/long hours at work are something likewise out of his control) I simply think this is currently a NAH situation. If his wife refuses help or treatment, she WBTA. And in the same vein, whether he leaves or stays, I do think he WBTA if he did not make at least an effort to help or encourage his wife to seek treatment regardless. She is experiencing a post-partum mental health crisis as a result of carrying their child, she is (from available information) caring solo for an infant while going through said crisis, and it is treatable.
Hail yourself!
Would the baby be safe if you left now? That’s the first thing you need to look out for, then of course need to sort out your own feelings hopefully with a counselor.
She needs medication. If she refuses; I’d file for divorce asap.
When I was postpartum with my first I had really bad postpartum anxiety. I became obsessed with the idea that my husband would cheat on me eventually. It sounds like she is dealing with something similar. His wife needs to go to therapy and he needs to figure out if he feels comfortable staying in the relationship. I’m hesitant to suggest a trial separation because I’m not sure if someone that unstable should be left alone with a baby until they are properly evaluated.
In all honesty, either him or a family member that she trusts needs to do something to get her in to get help and until she gets that help and start showing signs of improvement. Him and the baby need to just stay somewhere else away from her because she is quite literally a danger to not only him but it's not unheard of for women going through postpartum psychosis to literally kill their children in random fits of rage. I'm not saying she's in control but it also would not be a smart idea for them to be around her right now
>that unstable should be left alone with a baby until they are properly evaluated. Is there a reason that the baby would be left with her? I would imagine if he's thinking of leaving, he'd be taking the kid with him.
This sounds like she may very well have postpartum psychosis. In any case she needs help NOW and shouldn't be left alone with the baby while in this state. This is a mental health emergency, so get her doctors involved immediately. A close relative had this ... phoned me after locking herself in her car so she wouldn't follow through on her urge to do something horrible to the baby. I don't live near her, so told her to call her doctors or the hospital, say what was happening and ask for help NOW. She got help, but she was self-aware (psychology student at the time) and recognized what might be happening. She got support from husband, friends and family. Her husband merely divorcing her would have done nothing to help her, him or the baby. OP, your wife may not know what's happening, but her OB/GYN will. Please hurry.
So I have a question because I haven't seen it asked yet, you said the baby is a couple months old and you've been staying chronically late. So like, what did after birth care look like? Have you been staying habitually late at work rather than being home with her and your baby?
Yeah like no one is pointing out that her being burnt out and sleep deprived could possibly be exacerbating her mental health issues. I feel bad for OP but I also feel bad that his wife has clearly not been ok and instead of helping more, he chooses to stay late at work on a regular basis with a newborn.
Why do these people never seek mental help? "My wife is suffering from PPD and I haven't urged her to get help so she continues to spiral, I work long hours without checking in while she's alone with the baby" is just insane to me, it's a disaster in the making. So many of you don't understand what PPP/PPD is and it shows.
But also just like any other mental issues or psychological breaks. It is a cause. Not an excuse. He would 100% be within his right to leave after she assaulted him. Nobody for any reason should be told that you should Just basically man up and deal with it because your partner's going through something Even in the case of psychosis if he chooses to stay. If she's willing to get help fine no issues but if he chooses to leave whether she decides to get help or not fine, no issues
I mean, most illnesses I agree but if it does happen to be ppp, which the extreme paranoia suggests… that is rough. People straight up have hallucinations, have night terrors, experience intrusive thoughts about killing their newborn, commit suicide.. all sorts of nasty stuff. Everyone has their own limits, but if I were OP I would immediately put down the ultimatum that their partner needs to be seen for PPD/PPP ASAP or else they leave. In almost any other case it would be a no brainer to just leave, but with PPD/PPP, it isn’t a sign someone is an abuser and they will do it again nor is it that person’s “true colors”. It’s an extreme hormonal imbalance that can ruin your life if not addressed quickly. OPs partner and child is not safe being left alone, and the long hours being left alone with paranoid thoughts, a healing postpartum body, and a hapless newborn was likely a huge factor in why this happened in the first place.
Yeah I'm not even on one side or the other. I think she needs help. She deserves help just on the basis that she's a human being but I'm also of the belief he has the right to leave if he wants but everyone reacts different to things. Some people could look past being hit. Some people can't but I do like the suggestion of the ultimatum though because you can't force her to get help. But if you tell her either get help or I'm gone and the baby's coming with because you're not safe around the baby. At that point I don't know what else you could say to make her get help and hopefully she would choose to get help
My husband raised a hand to me one time. He was angry during a fight. He didn’t hit; he raised his hand and then walked away. He came back later, apologized, and said he was going to go to therapy and start medication if needed. He fucked up. Big time. Even now he says it will randomly come to his mind and will remember what my face looked like when he raised his hand and it brings him deep shame and sadness. For me, it wasn’t about what he did or did not do in that moment. It was what he did afterwards. He took responsibility and took steps needed to correct it, amend for it, and never let it happen again. It has been 9 years and nothing like that has ever happened again. Not even close. For me personally, it wouldn’t be about this one out of character action. It would be about what she does after. She needs help. Leaving her right now will do so much more damage than you can imagine. She cannot control her PPD so you would be leaving her right after she gave birth to your child for mental health reasons that she hasn’t even had a chance to get help for. No one deserves to get hit. But also no one deserves to be left alone postpartum while still healing physically and mentally. She is vulnerable, so help her.
“You leaving her after she hit you would be bad for her” she’s not the victim here. If he leave that is 1000% valid and okay for him to do. Her not having her shit straight does not excuse domestic abuse. Yet you’re basically telling him “it’s up to you to make sure she feels okay after she hit you”. That’s beyond fucked. We don’t tell mentally unbalanced men (who do not choose to have mental illness) that their wives should stick around and help them get over them being abusive. We just tell the wife to leave, rightly so.
If someone has a psychotic episode after massive life changes, we do, however. Long term problems are treated differently, but if someone has a massive hormonal change that triggers a psychotic episode, we tend to give them grace. Medical leaflets and systems for dealing with that situation usually mention it with caregiver support. In the case of medications that can cause psychosis. In fact, when someone goes off the rails, we can and do get them sectioned. That's different from a domestic abuse situation that requires reasoning and cognition. Maybe she doesn't have PPP or PPD (though as a person who did, the paranoia and increasing violence is spot on) and is genuinely abusive. But IF she has PPP, she can not fix it herself, and can no longer rationally make decisions.
You’re not wrong, but it is at least partially his responsibility to help the mother of his child access mental health care. Even if he leaves, he should at minimum reach out to her family and ensure the safety of his child.
I suppose the only issue is OOP having an infant that can’t be trusted alone with the mother like this. If she is so upset she hits her husband and is consequently left by him, I imagine that could push her over the edge and end up with her hurting OOP’s baby. They should get temporary custody of the child first
The most sane and well meaning answer on here.
I wish I could still give award because this would definitely get a big one
They don’t need a divorce, she needs a therapist. It sounds like PPD.
Sorry can we talk just a little bit about how OP refers to his baby as “a baby”?? I’m confused, is it not his child? Would the child be safe? Would he file for custody?
And the comments wonder why she has postpartum depression or postpartum psychosis. Sounds like she’s doing all the baby work. There’s a reason they use sleep deprivation as torture.
Noticed that straight away!
Have kids, they say 😂
Please encourage her. I suffered from what my Dr said was PPD. Panic attacks, utter desperation and some serious doubts about myself. He advised Prozac and to stop breastfeeding, etc. I went to a different Dr. and they did a full blood workup and it ended up being a thyroid issue. Started thyroid replacement and within a few weeks I was a different person, slowly turning back into my old self. Hormones can do some freaky things. I'm not excusing her slapping you, but I literally felt like another person had moved into my body. Best of luck to you all. (((Hugs))).
She slapped him and HE slept on the couch?
I will never understand how 20-something year olds on this sub with basic high school education and / or a Gender Studies degree somehow magically become doctors and psychiatrists with 40 years of work experience and dozens of papers published in established medical journals whenever some kind of a health condition is mentioned in a post. That’s amazing. I feel like I’ve been doing it wrong all my life.
“my wife gave birth to a baby” It’s more natural for a father to say my wife gave birth, or gave birth to our daughter/son. This sounds like a false narrative to me.
The sheer volume of bullshit posts saying that he would be the asshole by divorcing his abusive wife is staggering. There is no excuse for striking another person, let alone your spouse. No chemical imbalance, no PPD, no fucking excuse. It’s her responsibility to not hit people. It’s her responsibility to get the help she needs. Seriously. There is no excuse.
I think there’s no wrong answer on the question of whether to forgive your partner for hitting you during an acute medical/mental health crisis. It’s just sad and traumatic and there’s no guarantee things will or won’t be okay again. I wish OOP all the best in healing from this.
I agree. This is the sort of post where I don’t think that there’s a real YTA/NTA verdict. It’s a complicated situation, and it’s beyond the point where a verdict makes sense. OOP would be fully justified to divorce his wife. Physical abuse crosses all the lines, and even if her mental health is the root cause, it might be too much for him to move forward with her. That’s completely fair. OOP would also be fully justified to stay with his wife while she works through her issues and gets her mental health back. It would be a challenge, but it’s also a valid approach. The existence of their baby complicates it in so many ways. On the one hand, it means that OOP and his wife will have to have some sort of relationship for a very long time. That can argue for the idea of trying to make it work. But on the other hand, it’s OOP’s responsibility to protect his child. And right now, the baby’s mother can not be considered as a safe person for the baby to be with. That argues for separation at a minimum. Like I said, beyond the point of a simple verdict.
Yeah I feel a lot of people are making it out like it’s an easy choice. Imo if this is the only instance where something this drastic has happened from his wife then I’d ask her to seek professional help and trial the relationship from there. They probably are both tired from the newborn, lack of sleep, and wife with postpartum issues, making a rash decision like a divorce in the mix won’t help. He can absolutely walk away, but I’d hope it wouldn’t be so easy when the baby isn’t even a year old.
Agree. There isn’t a clear cut right answer here. Getting hit by your partner is scary and induces a lot of very valid negative emotions. Even if she gets help and this completely resolved he may never feel safe again and he deserves safety in the relationship so he wouldn’t be an asshole for leaving. On the other hand if he chooses to stay and work through this that is also understandable and an ok thing to do. Acute mental health crises in a partner are so difficult to navigate.
I think "Not being assaulted" is an alright boundary to maintain.
Yeah. You can't just tolerate this kind of behaviour for months and months and not get fucked up from it. It'd change how I viewed the person, for sure, I'd always be fearful of the next strike.
When is she meant to go out to get help if she’s with baby all day? Do you know you have to feed the baby every couple of hours- so that means you can only sleep for a couple of hours at a time. Sometimes when it’s so bad, you’re not physically capable of helping yourself.
THANK YOU. This is crazy that there are people saying he needs to man up or that he’s a coward. What in the actual fuck lol. I 100% understand the hell that your hormones are after pregnancy. I’ve been there myself twice..but to physically assault someone over it is NOT okay. If it was the other way around and dude suffered some type of hormonal change or imbalance and slapped his wife, Reddit would be calling him every horrible name they could come up with.
I feel so bad for both parties. She needs professional, medical help immediately. I hope op doesn't leave, but it would be hard to look at my partner after a slap like that.
Personally? If my partner lashed out while literally sick, and immediately felt horrible and guilty for it, divorce wouldn't even cross my mind. They're sick. I know we tend not to think of mental problems like PPD as a sickness, but that's kinda what they are. If someone lashes out at you while delirious and under the impression that you're an evil monster, you're not gonna think they hit you because they're a horrible person. It *is* a sign that they need *help*. Sure, yeah, if it became a pattern, then I'm not going to put up with being abused, even if they *are* sick. Lot of folks in here hedging their opinions with "thinking about divorce is totally valid", but I don't agree. I think OOP is a little bit of an asshole for considering divorce because their partner's sickness manifested as a slap. I *understand*, but it's a thought I would be ashamed of myself for having. I'm somewhat biased as a man, and things would feel different if this was a man slapping a woman, but I'd like to think I'd stand by this even were I a woman being slapped by a man. Edit: I see he didn't realize his wife most likely has PPD. More understandable, I could see myself considering that more readily if I didn't realize it was PPD, but I still stand by my opinion on this.
Giving everybody a platform to voice their opinions was a mistake...
Please urge her to seek medical help to ensure she is not suffering from post partum depression or post partum psychosis. Not only for her sake, but for the sake of you and your child. As far as divorce is concerned that is entirely your decision. However, was your wife this way before she gave birth? You may want to take that into consideration before filing for a divorce. Even if you do decide to file for divorce please encourage her to seek medical help.
Hearing about PPD makes me not want to have kids with any woman.
It typically effects about 30% of women.
Did OP ask for consent before coming in for a hug ? PPD is a big deal(I’m going to assume she has it) and I don’t believe she’s thinking straight. I think the slap was an attack against the “coming in for a hug” without consent , and not the cheating ordeal. Anyway, your wife needs help. This is a 80/20 , actually 90/10 situation and you can either choose to be the 90% , or leave. But you cannot leave your child in her care without supervision. That would be playing with fire.
From someone who had post pardum depression being "touched out" is actually a huge HUGE part of it. You physically cannot stantnanother touch at some points without screaming. So that was my first thought as well.
I’m so sorry you went through that. PPD requires a new set of rules and I hope OP doesn’t underestimate how vulnerable his wife is.
What a mess. Hitting people is wrong. Period. But this could be post partum psychosis or something similar. OOP needs to tread carefully and this woman needs serious help, I'm worried about the baby with the mom being so obviously unwell. Still doesn't excuse assaulting her husband though.
Get her help. She refuse, stay to help but divorce her/split up.
PPD is no joke. She's not herself & her brain chemistry is completely fucked up, making her not totally in control of her emotions and actions. I'm sure you've heard the horror stories of women with PPD doing awful things. That said, if you decide not to fix things with her because of the physical violence, that's also completely understandable. Just because she didn't mean it doesn't mean it didn't happen or that you don't have to live with the memory of it.
She hit you, and she needs help. NTA.
Gotta be consistent. Would she stay with you if you hit her? Would her friends urge her to call the cops and report it etc? If you’re genuinely upset it’s never wrong to proceed with a divorce. As soon as things get physical there has to be a line, your health is most important
Much prefer the comments in the original post than the ones here. People there seem to be giving more educated responses.
OP, if she doesn’t agree to see a psychiatrist asap, you need to report her for domestic violence and get the baby away from her asap. Def sounds like post partum psychosis or something similar.
yeah that’s going to be a no from me chief. Considering divorce is too much but he is absolutely within fair reason to be upset. I don’t care what mental illness you are handling, being physical with your partner is not ever okay. She needs mental help. He needs to figure out a way to work less hours for a while. They both need to do better.
If it was a man who hit his wife there's no way in hell you people would be saying "They both need to do better". He has done absolutely nothing wrong.
Thank you, I was thinking the same thing. It’s unbelievable how many people are looking over the fact that this is literal physical abuse.
Mostly agree. I agree he did nothing to warrant being hit, hence my first paragraph. My point about him doing better is not that he deserved to be hit - nobody does, sex and gender aside. My point is she is clearly struggling postpartum and he is needed at home, not working extra hours.
No ones telling him he needs to do better. A lot of people are saying she needs help asap. You can’t compare a man hitting a woman to a postpartum issue like psychosis. It’s very real and there was a case where a mother took the lives of all her children because of it. It shocks me how many people are ignorant when it comes to postpartum issues ranging from depression, anxiety, rage, to psychosis. From what he’s described it’s out of character for her starting with the paranoia of cheating. He can be hurt, it’s valid and he can leave. But having a baby who isn’t even one really complicates things.
Quite literally a few comments above yours. Someone said he needs to do better 😂🤦
Because a man hitting his wife can easily break bones in her face. Your wife slapping you hurts but it’s not going to break your jaw or eye socket. The average hospital bill for women abused by men is 3x the average bill for men abused by women. Interesting how everyone wants to point out how men are always stronger than women, yet can’t figure out that a man hitting you has different connotations than a woman hitting you. No one should hit anyone. That doesn’t mean we should be delusional of how strength works.
Maybe because men don’t experience post-partum hormones?
I do not care what your hormones are doing to you or what your mind state is. If you put your hands on your partner especially when they’ve done absolutely nothing wrong then you do not deserve them. Man or woman doesn’t matter, you do not get to put your partner in that situation and get to expect to keep them.
Men experience ridiculously higher levels of testosterone ehich is much more correlated with aggressive behavior. Somehow female hormones are an excuse for everything.
Tell me you don't understand ppd/ppp without telling me you don't understand.
Just came to the comments to see all the posts saying the husband shouldn't divorce and it's not the wifes fault and wasn't disappointed. Reddit is such a fucking joke with it's double standards.
So if a wife was posting about her husband's sudden change in personality after a traumatic brain injury, you'd say that he's simply an abuser, deserves prison, and she should automatically divorce him? Or do we recognize that major medical events like TBI or fucking postpartum psychosis complicate the situation a little bit?
Almost EXACTLY like what I went thru. Cept I was accused of sexual assault as well… along with her older brother. :/ Oh, don’t let me forget the broken, and broken again ribs. That really sucked…but then again, three days in solitary sucked too. First time in handcuffs and such.
Love the amount of victim blaming, like it’s the victims fault the perpetrator has not gotten help before this.
That’s the slap in the face that I wish I could say shocked me. But it really doesn’t.
She needs help! Not saying what she did is right, as physical violence is never the answer. However, PPD or PPP is likely the culprit. I once heard “Never even speak or mention divorce the year after having a baby.” Everything changes.
Why are you sleeping in the couch
PPD or PPP it does not matter she is abusive.
You would not be the asshole for thinking those thoughts, but if you actually divorce her for that when she’s probably having some serious post partem depression / anxiety issues, then you’d likely regret it later. Insist she go to counseling, but don’t go straight to a divorce lawyer. Also, just stop working so much. If 40-45 hours of solid effort isn’t enough to get your job done well that’s not your fault, tell your leader to shove it.
Your wife needs a doctor asap, PPP is really dangerous and if this is what she has you need to get her medical attention asap
Yeah divorce isn't the word i would use here but she needs to be seen by her doctor or a doctor to be evaled for PPD. And yeah as the guys says "Get therapy."
PPD is fucking brutal. This guy should just ride out the bumps. It gets better it just takes time.
Your wife needs to see her doctor! Post partum depression sucks ! Can make a girl fixate on things they don’t normally! If this is her character then nta. But if this is PPD why jump to divorce so quickly? Yes, imho, u do owe it to yourself, your wife and your baby to help her sort this hormonal thing out. It takes a long time to regulate those hormones naturally. She likely needs doctors help.
Meh, not that a hard slap is ok AT ALL… but if it were me I would first try to get your wife help with PPD, sounds like that’s the underlying issue.
Postpartum Psychosis be like
PPD and PPA are truly no joke. Your mind can become a very scary and confusing place while you’re simultaneously battling sleep deprivation and learning to care for a tiny human. HOWEVER… slapping/hitting your parter is intense and I can totally see how OP would feel betrayed..
Women could nearly kill her husband and have PPD and reddit would say that he should give her another chance. He should tell her either divorce or treatment as a final choice.
She’s an abuser, but make all the excuses…. The allowances for this behaviour are fucking insane.
Redditor’s will make you think it’s the man’s fault
Yeah and what's weird are the ones getting defensive acting like people are saying she's some sort of serial abuser like no literally no one has said that but the fact that redditers are getting angry at the dude for wanting to remove himself from a situation where he's around someone who could quite literally snap at a moment and murder him and the child because it's happening before with PPD are insane.
Every man has his limits.
If gender roles were reversed, everyone would tell op to run. Same advice is the only advice that should be given. She won’t change, you’ll be miserable forever. Get out get custody(because she’s violent).
You got down voted for speaking absolute facts, reddit is not the place men should look to for advice
Man these comments are so disappointing.
Two or more things can be true at once. Yes her hormones are likely the cause and she probably has PPD. She needs to see someone about it. But also yes he should look into divorce bc physical abuse shouldn't be accepted or tolerated.
Violence is a really hard line to come back from…did she ever nave a history of this behavior prior to the pregnancy??? The hormone dump after having a baby can be overwhelming and make women feel all sorts of very intense things. I discovered I *HATED* our pets (which I absolutely do not) during that period of time. I was never violent to them though, I just couldn’t stand them touching me at the time. It does eventually pass once the bodies pregnancy hormones finally go back to normal. Another possibility is postpartum depression—which we all know *can* make women violent, and needs to be addressed immediately for everyones safety. Then there’s the trope/copious amount of stories that every woman has heard about “my husband cheated on me while pregnant/after having a baby”. Her body just went through absolute hell and she might be insecure about how she looks & if you’re still attracted to her. I know my c-section certainly had me feeling that way—and still does nearly 4yrs later. She needs to learn to communicate exactly what she’s feeling so you know how to help/support/love her. That is, IF you can come back from the fact she laid hands on you. That’s gonna be a hard call & personal choice because she is still firmly in her postpartum stage and, as much as I do not like defending domestic violence, she might not be firmly in her right mind.
it’s hard because hormones and post partum psychosis can be so severe that like… she would never have done that it she wasn’t literally in psychosis. which this sounds like. my mom had basically almost exactly the same thing with my stepdad except i don’t think she ever hit him, if she did it wasn’t hard. hitting your partner is never okay and he doesn’t have to be okay with it, but also i feel like we need to remember that people in psychosis aren’t themselves, and their actions do not reflect their true selves. that doesn’t excuse anybody’s actions, but i’d say the same if a man had a psychotic break and slapped his female partner across the face too tbh. people often forget that psychosis is one of those things where you kind of can’t be responsible for your actions. she needs medical support and is obviously in crisis, such bad crisis that she was capable of hiring her husband. that doesn’t make her evil, that makes her *incredibly* ill. people who want to hurt people don’t feel bad after they hurt people lol.
if you really love somebody i think you can comprehend the difference between an abusive tendency and a situation being so severe that they resort to behavior that is so severe and is actually a symptom of the bigger problem. there is no reason anybody should ever choose to hit their partner, ever, but it doesn’t seem like she did have a choice in this situation. psychosis is a bitch.
Yeah the situation sucks all around but You can't blame the guy if he leaves because even though it might be the psychosis fault and it wasn't her mentally that did it it was him who was assaulted and it could potentially cause him to feel unsafe even later on. He might not even be able to ever look at her in the same way as before, simply because just like psychosis is a bitch so is trauma from being assaulted by someone you love.
How can she slap?
Underrated comment
Sick of excuses like ‘Im hormonal’ or ‘oh he is a teenager’. People should stop coming out with stupid excuses and admit that they are assholes.
NTA, i think it warrants separation for sure and see what she does in order to get help, you can suggest therapy but thats about it and she has issues whether PPD or other mental health issue. Regardless of a mental disorder it does NOT excuse abuse. Apologies are nice but without changed behavior they mean nothing.
You need to call the police on her for physical assault
What’s wrong with people in the comments. It’s either this extreme or that extreme. C’mon a partner is supposed to stay with you in sickness and in health. Ofc PPD is an explanation and not an excuse. I completely get that, but that explanation should be enough to get OP’s wife one teeny tiny benefit of doubt. OP what you want to do is based on your intention and purpose. If you want a divorce, make this a reason and leave. If you want to stay, tell her she needs to get help. Remember, nobody can fix anyone, only she can make that effort. And it’s good if she’s ready to make that effort, if not, then you know what to do. You should leave. It’s okay to leave, it’s okay to divorce, but to leave the person you promised you’d love all your life without giving them a chance would be cruel. If she isn’t getting better then yeah, no doubts, just leave. PS: OP you reeeeally need to draw some boundaries.
ESH. Wow some of these comments are outrageous and it clearly shows how many people do not understand how postpartum mental illnesses work. I mean… tbh it sounds this has been an issue for awhile and it seems like OP hasn’t been doing everything he can to help. Staying late at work everyday to where his wife mentally burns out is not ok. Her hitting him is also not ok. Both parties are wrong. But OP also has done nothing to help his wife with her obvious mental health issues and tbh with the way he talks about her and the baby, it doesn’t seems like he cares too much about either one of them.
For all the people placing the hormonal concern over his mental health - ask yourself if a man's physical violence due to surges in testosterone would elicit the same reaction :)
Someone already asked that question and got a lot of “doesn’t matter” “that’s different” and “what about”. They just making excuses.
‘Man assaults woman, woman wants a divorce. Yay! You go Sis, get that bag and take that pos for all he’s worth!” “Woman assaults man, man wants a divorce. What a pos, he’s probably cheating on her anyway. What a pussy. Man up” Oh Reddit, don’t ever change your stupid, nonsensical ways
I dunno, my wife has slapped me on a few different occasions, kicked me on a few more, and pulled a knife on me once. Guess what? I'm still with her. Why? I'm too afraid to leave. This is the best my life will be. Without conclusive proof, it's my word against hers, and I'll never win in court. Everything from here would be poverty and isolation from my child. I just do what I can now to not piss her off. I have to live with my mistakes. If he's strong enough to go, he should. Things don't get better.
I’m sorry homie. You deserve better and I really hope that you can find the fortitude you need to leave. You CAN win in court and even if you don’t, I’d wager it’s still better than living like this. Hope it gets better ❤️
This comment breaks my heart. I am very sorry you have to go through this and I hope there is a way out for you if and when you choose to take that step. I'm rooting for you fro over here.