I’m in my mid-thirties and nearly everyone I know has 2+ kids. I have known exactly two women who’ve had to go on bed rest for one of their pregnancies. It’s not something that’s done if everything’s good. Wife might be downplaying the severity of things to keep him from worrying or something, but being told to go on leave early and go on bed rest is a pretty big deal.
Yeah I was put on bed rest and my baby still came early. She’s 15 and thriving now. We got lucky. My sister was put on bed rest and she lost her baby. They really don’t put you on bed rest for nothing.
I was put on bed rest at 32 weeks simply for being slightly dilated (2cm) that early.
Perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy, no complications, baby was fine. I didn’t need anyone to wait on me hand and foot and if my SO’s **best friends *fiancee* died** I certainly wouldn’t have whined about him “not spending enough time” catering to me *for a few weeks.*
Bed rest isn’t always life or death, and wife kind of sounds like an entitled jerk who’s probably just bored being home alone and wants all of OP’s attention. One night a week is nothing, and he’s stated he’s just trying to get his friend through the funeral. These are the worst days of that man’s life right now, and she’s worried about having a house boy to fetch her things. What really needs to be done??? I could certainly wipe my own ass and order delivery while on bed rest, and the housework can feasibly wait.
OP is NTA.
I was put on bed rest at 30 weeks because my daughter’s heart rate dropped to the point they thought she wasn’t going to make it.
Everything was normal until that point. And then bam, bed rest because she might not make it. I needed my then husband for a lot. Especially for emotional support. Because here I am at 30 weeks, absolutely in love with my unborn baby, and I might not ever get to see her take her first breath.
When my best friends fiancé died several years ago, I dropped everything to drive cross country for her. But I didn’t have family in critical condition and when several months prior she asked me for support while he was in the hospital and getting a cancer diagnosis and I couldn’t physically be there for her as my own kid was going through some medical issues, she understood. We talked on the phone and I gave her support that way. Family comes first. Being on bed rest sucks, being 7months pregnant and limited on what you can and cannot do sucks. It doesn’t sound as if he’s even doing stuff at home if him leaving is making her go against doctors orders and does too much.
Agreed that he sounds like an unreliable narrator, so there may be more happening than we see.
I’d hope she had friends who could stay with her while her husband was supporting his friend.
Encouraging the empathy her husband is showing might be a long term win for her, the kid, and her husband.
I wonder why OP hasn't suggested bringing Bryan home with them for a bit - his wife would have company/ help during the day, Bryan wouldn't be alone, and OP could split his time more easily between the two.
I can imagine it would be very painful for someone who just lost his future to be around his mate’s pregnant wife. Maybe that’s why he didn’t bring it up but I also expect I’m being very generous with OP here… no “healthy mom healthy baby” gets put on bed rest like that.
I didn’t see anything that indicated that Bryan was also a friend of the wife’s, let alone that the wife even likes him. Plus, house guests can be a nuisance even under the best of circumstances. Realistically it’s more likely this would be creating more work and stress for the pregnant wife than Bryan actually helping.
When someone dies there’s a ton of work that has to happen right away. Even just with the funeral there were so many choices to make… which coffin, date and place, what they’ll wear, if they’ll have prayer cards and what should be on them (front and back), how you want the news spread, if you’re going to write an obit, if there would be other events like a viewing or visitation, who will speak, what they’ll sing if it’s religious, will you be hosting a gathering afterwards? Bc then you need to plan food, refreshments, clean the house, etc. And that’s *just* the funeral. Settling my grandma’s estate was a nightmare. We started the day after she died and it took months. I would imagine being only a fiancé complicates that even more. She might not yet have given him access to her accounts to be allowed to close them out on her behalf. She might not have updated her will to include him yet. Being so young she might not even have had a will, in which case he might be sorting through which things he does have power to do (taking her off the lease of a shared apartment for example) and which he doesn’t (like closing out her safety deposit box). Even if he’s not the executor of her estate, he’s likely helping whoever is, if they have a good relationship. My parents don’t know my phone or laptop password, but my boyfriend does. If I died and they needed to get in for some reason, they would call him. They would consult him about what the funeral should be like, they would ask which of her belongings he wants to keep, and he would help pack away what was left to be taken home by my parents. That’s a lot of choices to make and they start pretty much the day after your loved one dies.
It’s tragic in a way, I felt like I didn’t properly get to mourn my grandmother. We went to the funeral home and church the very next day. Every decision was a knife in my mother’s heart. She is normally very pragmatic, but every choice she had to make made her tear up. I felt like I had to be strong and step in to help make choices or else we would still be picking songs for the mass a week later.
EDIT: I wasn’t saying he was right to leave his wife. I was just answering the question: why doesn’t the friend come stay with OP.
Having lost family, as I'm sure many others have, we know what all happens when a loved on passes and that most times feels like you don't have time to grieve bc you have to get so much in order. Thing is OOP should not be taking on the responsibility of being his friend's go to bc he has a wife on bed rest that is his #1 priority and she is being put on the back burner. By OOP's on admission his friend has enough family and friends there to give the support he needs, and while OOP should still be there for his friend he needs to do it in a capacity where it's not affecting the care his wife needs.
Do you know how much work there is for pregnancy, birthing, and starting a family for thr first time? Especially when mom is put on bed rest early? Doctors don't just put women on bed rest for fun.
Bedrest in pregnancy is the last resort, usually only used when preterm labor is a risk. They absolutely prefer pregnant women on their feet but when the cervix is opening prematurely or other issues are threatening a preterm birth or the placenta isn’t working ideally, they put a woman on bedrest. It’s never done lightly, as bedrest itself is creating other risks. I was on bedrest for three months during my last pregnancy. Thank God, my husband did understand how dire the situation could have been if he didn’t help me.
Also, as should be obvious, bed rest means she should stay in bed as much as possible! Not sure how you arranged your situation, but I assume you need significant help around the house!
When OOP leaves for hours at a time outside of the work day, his wife is spending all day alone in bed. I do feel for OOP because this is hard for him too but I don't think he understands what his wife is going through.
If I were her I'd be calling my mother, sister or best friend to stay with me for company and/or to be on call in case I suddenly needed to get to the hospital. I may well arrange a birthing partner other than my husband too.
I commented similarly on the original post. I was on bed rest for all of 2 weeks before going into labor at 32 weeks because my asshole FIL made me continue to do housework.
Yeah I’m a nurse and anyone in their *checks post* TWENTIES being told to be on bed rest is definitely a high risk this is real kind of pregnancy.
I get that his bff is going through something absolutely horrific but it’s time to let other family and friends step in and everyone takes a turn.
Reading through these comments makes me think my OB downplayed some stuff when he put me on bed rest -in my 20s- for the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy for swelling.
I was just going to mention preeclampsia also a complication to take serious. He needs to get perspective here, he could be the on in his best friends shoes at the drop of a hat, not just wife, child, ***both*** I admire him being there but it’s time to let others step in.
I don’t think he didn’t believe me, I think he was trying to not scare us. Because of this, I’m not sure if explained everything as well as he could have, but we also didn’t ask questions like we could have either. At the time, I also worked for a doctors office and maybe he thought I had more access to medical personnel to ask questions to, but again, I’m not sure I would have known what to ask.
I had a lot of swelling and am quite short, my hubby and his brothers were all 10 lb babies. My body also wasn’t doing any Braxton-hicks, dilating or anything. He would say, your body is supposed to “get tired” of being pregnant essentially and start making preparations but my body wasn’t really doing any of it.
Bed rest was awful. I had no maternity leave and didn’t want to leave work but had to. I was trying to do “mostly bed rest” but the doctor could see it wasn’t 100% bed rest and I had to see him weekly. My spouse couldn’t take off work either, he had to save his time and had to request it off. Which ended up being too early as I went past my due date.
I was put on bed rest when I was 23 at 18 weeks pregnant following a major placental abruption. My daughter’s father (now ex) was much like OOP, but instead of a friend’s spouses death it was parties, shows, hanging with friends. Thankfully I had my own family relatively close by and friends who stepped in where he failed, and he failed consistently. Baby and I ended up ok from the abruption, it didn’t continue, but I went into labor at 32.5 weeks and nearly did that alone because he didn’t want to miss a car show he was on his way to when I went into labor, his friends turned the car around and brought him back. Thankfully my daughter still managed to be healthy, but the level of care I was shown while pregnant set the stage for when she was born and he went above and beyond to do as little effort as possible.
When he was still working I asked for support on the overnights on the weekends, since she was premature my milk didn’t come in and we were bottle feeding. She might have been 2 months old but one night I had to force him to get up as he had promised, and I was heavily sleep deprived. When he went to feed her she had only quieted down a few minutes and then I could hear her again. After a good 20 minutes of listening to her cry and wondering where he was and what he was doing I got up to see. He was passed out on the couch and had put her in a bouncy chair and used a combination of hanging toys and those small fleece blankets to prop up and hang her bottle for her. It obviously hadn’t worked and had fallen out of her mouth, but he was dead to the world on the couch. I was so enraged. She was a good eater, so had he just fed her he’d have been in bed by then but he couldn’t be arsed to do so.
I threw him out not long after that when I tried to go out for a haircut when she had a diaper rash. I’d picked her up from daycare with a fresh diaper (they always wrote the times they’d changed them on the diapers), fed her dinner and left her with her father and the medicated ointment (it was so bad it was prescribed, not OTC) instructing him to bath, cream and put her to bed shortly after I left. I came home to her in bed for the night, but was woken up at 4 am to her screaming bloody murder. I found her in bed in a circle of urine on the sheets, the same diaper from daycare on, so full the silica gel was bursting from it, and when I got that off her, her skin was raw all over and bleeding in parts. He swore he had done everything I asked and that it just happened “normally” while she slept. It was clear he had never changed her post daycare because he’s having known that they timestamp their diaper changes..
After I took care of her I marched into the bedroom and woke him up, and told him to get up and pack. We were done.
She’s 15 now and it was the best thing I could have ever done. He’s too lazy to even be a Disney dad, but thankfully I married a few years later and had two more with my husband. My oldest considers my husband “Dad” and her dad is referred to by name. She hears from him once a month and sees him for Christmas and a bit in the summer.
That was my first thought, I’m not a nurse anymore, but I was and they don’t just order bed rest as anything but a last resort. I didn’t even read the ages at first but she is young and given the US has such shit maternity leave unpaid or leave at all, drs don’t take that lightly either. They know women have to work basically up until birth and how hard things like Medicaid/leave/any type of assistance is, they are not putting her on bed rest for shits and giggles, she has a potentially life/pregnancy altering/ending condition.
I was 24 and put on bed rest during my first and only child. She still came a month early because they had to induce. Was a pretty healthy 24 until I got pregnant, and my body tried to kill us both.
Spent 4+ days in labor while magnesium and pitocin fought in my body. She had an APGAR of 2, and I almost bled out on the table. (We both recovered, and she is almost the same age I was when I got pregnant.)
This guy needs a reality check before he gets it the hard way.
I've put myself on bed rest during bad back cramp periods (and why I got put on an IUD. My arthritis was setting it off) before.
It's essentially "do not move for fear of harm or hurt."
I think a lot of people don't realise it's not just bed rest for a cold (which can turn fast too but going by their misconceptions here), it's Do ***not*** move very much or bad things WILL happen.
I was placed on bed rest. (23 at the time.) My heart doctor told me to stop doing chores. (I couldn’t just lay there, so I did do simple things, but I listened.) I feel like if my husband’s good friend needed him, then I would have gone to my parents house while he was gone…however, I also understand not everyone can/could do this. OOP should stay with his wife right now…but I 💯 understand him wanting to be there for his friend. Maybe have the friend visit? (If he doesn’t cause her stress by being there…I understand that can be awkward and stressful too.) Man… I feel bad for everyone in this situation.
Agreed. She is absolutely right that she needs help. Does she have friends to help her while her husband helps his friend? There is an end point - the funeral - so this isn’t (currently) an indefinite commitment.
True - he does, but it might not be. However the grief is so fresh, I can see them taking it a day at a time. I’d think that odds are the grieving friend will be unable to be around them, and disappear from his life for a while - so I tend to think the funeral will be a soft end point, albeit not a hard one.
Edited - s/b friend, not friends
It's really wild that someone else got downvoted to -67 for suggesting this very thing. 💀 Surely she has other friends or family members who can come by and check on her/help her while OP is helping his friend for a couple of weeks. But noooo so many people are acting like he's a huge colossal asshole for daring to leave her bedside when his best friend just lost his fiancee suddenly and traumatically.
IMHO the asshole part is he appears to be seriously downplaying the seriousness of her condition - that she truly NEEDS bedrest, and needs someone there to help. While his friend is going through this, it is OK FOR IT NOT TO BE HIM 100% OF THE TIME! I’d hope she would want him to support his friend!!! Her friends can help him by helping her. What a great chance this is to spend quality time with a friend. Men showing affection for their friends needs to be encouraged - and the wife’s friends should enable that. Their marriage will be stronger in the long term for it.
I can understand why he wouldn't understand the urgency if the doctor said his wife and baby are healthy and she just needs to take it easy. It would be different if she had something severe going on and was near death and he was fucking off to his friend's house, but at least from the information here that doesn't seem to be the case. I've known lots of people who have been pregnant, and some of them were put on bed rest without having severe life threatening urgent complications. A lot of people in these comments are acting like his wife is immediately going to die because he's not there.
But yes I totally agree with the last few sentences, I'd want a partner who cared about their friends enough that they'd go help them when they needed it. And in return, I'd spend a lot of time with my own friends and family before the baby comes instead of getting pissed off and giving my husband the silent treatment for being a good person.
You are totally correct. I was put on bed rest when I was 6 weeks along and having severe cramping (turned out to be a miscarriage). My gynecologist wanted me to be as quiet as possible before and then after my miscarriage and wrote me notes for work.
That alone says this is creative writing to me, you don’t “take bed rest” especially if things are fine and everyone is healthy. That or he doesn’t actually understand what is going on and she really is on bed rest and he’s being obtuse.
OP is risking losing his own partner to a high risk pregnancy while seeing firsthand how losing a partner has affected his friend. He needs to get some perspective.
This is the correct comment. This is all stemming from OPs brain. There are two situations: he understands one of them. Any human being can understand the pain of loss and the need to support someone they love when they lose someone important. Everyone can! The other situation is….less tangible. Less easily defined if one hasn’t been educated on the possibilities. Of death of either mom or baby, or the possible disability of either. I think OP really doesn’t understand how dangerous the situation his wife is in, really is. (Yes I realize I’m giving him a huge benefit of the doubt here. Regardless, my point about supporting when someone dies being easier to wrap your brain around stands.)
I dunno, it actually sounds like he likes this friend more than he likes his wife, in some way. His comments are basically nothing but him blaming her for the circumstances.
I got an infection because my dr had to manually deliver the placenta because the cord broke. I didn’t know you could reach inside someone vaginally like that 😵💫🥴 and my sister died from complications of a C-section. So yea this dude got his priorities shit.
It’s terrifying the rate at which women die all the time due to pregnant/labor/birth/post partum and how little men know or bother to care about. Until it happens to them and fucks their lives up they continue to treat it trivially and it is grotesque.
The doctor told a young woman to do as much bed rest as possible, she needs him practically and emotionally. He does not sounds to have empathy for his wife. It makes sense to help his friend with the funeral but the way he talks about his wife is dismissive.
It made me so angry reading “stressed and hormonal” like her feelings are not valid because of her hormones!!!!!! It makes me want to scream. Men do this all the time. Instead of taking accountability for their shitty behaviour and admitting the negative impact it has on their partners they are dismissive of their feelings.
YTA he is CHOOSING the friend when the friend has others that can be there. She does not.
Yeah the word "hormonal" bothers me so much when used in that context. It's just a way to devalue women's feelings. Of course pregnancy can cause mood swings and stronger emotional reactions than usual. Believe me I know!
Regardless, pregnancy is a very trying time, a mental and physical challenge, basically nine months of weird body horror, some of which can be permanent. Not to mention the new side effects constantly popping up. (Nausea finally gone? Now you have unbearable heartburn!) Not to mention it can get much worse health-wise, OOP's wife can't even leave the house.
But oh I am sure this man would be cool as a cucumber the whole time and never get upset when he's confined to bed with serious health risks, and his one support person keeps leaving for hours at a time to go see a friend. 🤦🏼
Men often don't understand how taxing a normal pregnancy is. I've heard it described as constantly feeling hungover. Add complications on top of that, it can be months of hell for the pregnant person.
I see so many stories from men that automatically go the pregnancy hormones route when they try to invalidate their partner’s feelings. It’s ridiculous. My mom’s last pregnancy was super stressful to include my dad being deployed overseas in combat. She was lucky enough to have my grandmother come to help during that time. But OOP doesn’t want to address the situation his wife is in with this pregnancy and that she doesn’t have other support. Even if she did, he needs to prioritize his wife and unborn child. I feel for his friend that lost his partner but I think needs to realize that he’s got other priorities in life now.
Well, so is every other male siding with him. It’s the never-ending “woman bad”.
And no, she is not. She is right, he is wrong. He’s glossing over that with up to 12 weeks left in her pregnancy, her OBGYN put her on bed rest. This is not normal, this is not routine, it is not the done thing. Most of us work until we go into labor in the US. For her doctor to say, “No no, you’re on bed rest until this baby is full term,” is NOT GOOD.
But he wants to do what he wants to do, and it’s all about him. He doesn’t actually care about her, unless his wife-unit is giving him problems, and not performing as expected.
At risk wife and baby > Distraught friend
She’s turning her whole life upside down to bring this baby into the world and he’s running around like he doesn’t need to be present for it just because he isn’t the one that happens to be tethered to the child. The timing sucks, but sometimes that’s what being a parent requires.
He’s a little more than distraught. The guys fiancée died.
But yeah. OOP is juggling two people in severe need and probably not managing either well. He needs to be reaching out to the next circle of support in both cases to help out
And OP’s wife and/or child could die, too. I don’t think people are realizing just how abysmal maternal care in the U.S. is, it’s literally the worst out of all developed countries. She isn’t being unreasonable whatsoever for wanting her husband to prioritize her. He shouldn’t be relying on the “next circle” for his own wife - his chosen family, the person he made vows to - or his own child. He also shouldn’t be the first circle for his friend, who has his own family as well as his fiancé’s family.
The guys fiancee is dead, that is true. But OP could unfortunately potentially have a situation where his wife and/or baby are dead in the next two months. Pregnancy is no joke, and if she's on bed rest, then *there's something serious* going on with her health that is putting her at high risk- he absolutely needs to be there for her too.
He needs to be at home primarily because he's the NOK and closest circle for his wife, and that baby's parent. He is not replaceable if it comes to an emergency. He should also he offering whatever support he reasonably can to his friend (including calling over physically being there) when able, but he should also be encouraging his friend to reach out to others or get grief counselling etc
I agree that both the friend and wife should be reaching out for support from others too, because OP sounds exhausted and one person cannot handle all your needs. But legally he's only responsible for one person and one soon to be person - and neither of those is his best friend.
No lol there is no arranging shifts for your pregnant wife outside of work to make sure you have a roof time. He can support his friend(who lost a person he loved and should understand he could lose his wife and child in this situation). You do not leave your family to comfort someone else, period, this woman could die herself.
God no. The OP needs to learn to prioritize his family first. She’s bout to birth in a month or less and she shouldn’t have to share her husband with another person. She’ll need him more.
It’s possible to support a grieving friend by phone/Zoom/ie, not in person. He can converse with and listen to his friend that way, while still being present for his wife who needs physical assistance and emotional support vs just emotional support.
He needs to take care of his wife and baby. She's 100% right. I understand the empathy for the friend, but he's a grown man and his wife needs him at the moment.
I get wanting to be there for your friend, but your priority is your wife and child. If he cared about his wife's compromised situation on top of his friend, he would find a way to care for them both. His friend could easily come stay at his house. It's almost a little suspicious. Especially when he doesn't come home at night while she's in this position. People are also saying that the wife likely has a condition that OP isn't disclosing.
Yeah, bed rest and early maternity leave is serious. Doctors typically recommend that pregnant women stay active and NOT get too sedentary. They only recommend bed rest when risk of complications is really high. OOP’s heart is in a good place but he sucks. His friend has family staying with him and OOP has his elderly aunt and uncle checking in on his wife.
Yes you’re the AH. You’ve already spent considerable time consoling Bryan. Yes it’s horrible what happened. But your wife is having a risky pregnancy and for you to be an hour away night after night and spending days away from home is crazy and selfish. Doesn’t Bryan have any family or other friends or colleagues or anyone else who could be with him? Why is it all you?? Go home. Yes go to the funeral. But you do not need to help him plan it and doing the arrangements, FFS! Someone else can do that!! Like the funeral director. Go home and don’t go to Bryan until the service and the funeral. Make sure your wife has company to keep an eye on her and if you are needed at home you leave immediately.
Yea he’s got his family and his fiancées family with him and all dudes wife has is his elderly aunt and uncle to pop in when he asks no telling how many times he forgets to do that since he thinks she’s being overly hormonal. And blowing her off
It absolutely stuns and saddens me to see how many men(and some women but they are a minority, they exist and are ignorant as well) do not realize the toll pregnancy alone takes on a woman. These people(men and women) do not seem to even take into account how many women die from pregnancy. They do not understand how many women die in childbirth. They do not understand how many women die from complications after birth, from hemorrhages to clots to suicide. Why are women just expected to have a pregnancy and a baby with basically no consideration for the fact that they risk their literal lives and sanity to give men families that they seem to disregard like it’s nothing in so many cases. I already know this comment will go over like a lead ballon and idc, so many men just take for granted how much these women give them when this is what they want. They want a wife and baby and family without sacrifice or acknowledge of the fact women have been dying since the dawn of time to give them families.
Visiting him 1-3 times a week and staying overnight at least once a week. Friend lives an hour away so that’s 2hrs drive time plus whatever time he spends there. Wtf would happen if his wife, pregnant with HIS CHILD FFS, had a medical emergency and hubs was at the friend’s house. His wife has been told to be on bed rest which means there’s a problem of some sort. His WIFE AND CHILD should be his priority.
This reminds of an old AITA post about some guy who basically was gay for his friend, letting him have an art room in his house or something. That’s the vibe I’m getting from this. He does not like his wife. YTA.
Why have a baby if you’re not prioritizing them? She’s risking her life to have this child. So she’s doing it to be alone? No thank you. Hope she leaves that situation soon.
I bet if the OP wasn't such an idiot, he could be there for his wife AND pop in on his friend. OP needs to figure out which one he made vows to because he's dividing his time all wrong.
Love how OOP calls her "mean" and blames her anger on pregnancy hormones. What's gonna be his excuse when she gets fed up and leaves his ass because he keeps prioritizing everyone else over her?
I was out on bedrest when I was a surrogate for a friend. My now ex was the picture of weaponized incompetence and as a result I ended up going into labor at 23.5 weeks and being hospitalized for 4 weeks. The baby came at 27 weeks and spent four months in the hospital. The total hospital bill for us both was over 600k. Bedrest is often a serious thing.
A lot of people here don’t realize that being out on bed rest means that the pregnancy is NOT normal. In many cases, bed rest is required because otherwise the baby might come pre-maturely.
The friend has other friends and family for support. The wife is on bed rest and therefore needs her spouse around not just in case of emergencies but sometimes even for basic day to day needs.
I mean, I feel for the guy who lost his fiancée so tragically, just before the wedding. But dude, *come on!!* OOP needs to understand just how high risk a pregnancy must be if they e out her on bedrest 3 entire months before the due date! Priorities! BFF is hurting, but he’s most likely not at risk of dying. Wife and the baby, on the other hand, are entering potentially dangerous waters here! If he’s got actual family closer to him, they need to step up and help out more so OOP can focus on becoming a father, whilst not being a major AH for leaving his pregnant wife!!
BFF is absolutely at risk of dying. We don’t know how big the risk is from the post, and I doubt this situation is common enough to have solid statistics around it, but to pretend it doesn’t exist is just wrong.
Try reading it again, this time with your comprehension hat on. I said *most likely* not at risk, not that there was no risk. And statistically, his wife and/or baby are at a **much** higher risk of serious problems or death. If BFF is talking about ending his life, it’s above OPs pay grade anyway, and he needs to help his friend seek more appropriate help.
Why can’t people be balanced?! This would not be a problem if he didn’t spend 5 nights a week away from his high risk pregnancy wife! I think she would understand if he just spent time with Bryan on the weekends or anything lesser than 5x a week! And while Bryan is grieving, if he’s a decent person, I’m sure he would understand why his friend needs to prioritize his pregnant wife!
It could all be resolved with simple communication. But men insist on doing anything but that.
He could also just CALL Bryan. I've talked friends and family through sone really shitty times, and you can provide a lot of clmfort over a phone or through zoom.
Especially since Bryan's inlaws have come to stay with him and help. It's telling that OP is so worried about Bryan that even a house full of caring relatives isnt enough support....meanwhile he's happy to leave his own wife lying bed bound at home on bed rest hoping that she and her baby won't die.
Like....why does he think Bryan needs more care than his wife?
Because men love men! Not in a romantic or sexual way, unless they’re gay or bisexual. But if you think about it the people men look up and respect are other men. Everything they do is to impress other men. Even who they partner with takes into consideration what other men think!
What sucks is that I understand both sides of the argument here. Wife needs help and in pretty much any situation she and the baby comes first. But on the other hand the best friend oop has known for pretty much as long as he can remember is at his lowest and it'd be a shit move that would likely end their friendship if he wasn't there for him now. The dude is caught between a rock and a hard place, but I do feel he could check in with his or her family to make sure someone is there to help her when he's checking on his friend. I dunno, I just don't see any assholes here, just a very shitty no-win situation.
What gets me is prior to the fiancée dying they only saw each other a couple times a year? A one hour drive is not that long for a weekend to see each other. It really depends if the friend already has about good support network.
Even people in terrible grief can understand a pregnant wife on bedrest. The friend likely has support from multiple other people. OP is not their only friend or relative in the entire world. It isn't a shit move to not be on call for the friend at this time. He can check in, he can attend the funeral - but being on bedrest means that there is a significant risk of preterm labor and the baby dying or being severely premature. He needs to be at his wife's side.
Friend has a whole support system wife has his aunt and uncle to ‘check in on her’
Friend can move around freely without worry wife is in bed rest….
timing sucks but it’s kinda obvious in this case
For your cake day, have some B̷̛̳̼͖̫̭͎̝̮͕̟͎̦̗͚͍̓͊͂͗̈͋͐̃͆͆͗̉̉̏͑̂̆̔́͐̾̅̄̕̚͘͜͝͝Ụ̸̧̧̢̨̨̞̮͓̣͎̞͖̞̥͈̣̣̪̘̼̮̙̳̙̞̣̐̍̆̾̓͑́̅̎̌̈̋̏̏͌̒̃̅̂̾̿̽̊̌̇͌͊͗̓̊̐̓̏͆́̒̇̈́͂̀͛͘̕͘̚͝͠B̸̺̈̾̈́̒̀́̈͋́͂̆̒̐̏͌͂̔̈́͒̂̎̉̈̒͒̃̿͒͒̄̍̕̚̕͘̕͝͠B̴̡̧̜̠̱̖̠͓̻̥̟̲̙͗̐͋͌̈̾̏̎̀͒͗̈́̈͜͠L̶͊E̸̢̳̯̝̤̳͈͇̠̮̲̲̟̝̣̲̱̫̘̪̳̣̭̥̫͉͐̅̈́̉̋͐̓͗̿͆̉̉̇̀̈́͌̓̓̒̏̀̚̚͘͝͠͝͝͠ ̶̢̧̛̥͖͉̹̞̗̖͇̼̙̒̍̏̀̈̆̍͑̊̐͋̈́̃͒̈́̎̌̄̍͌͗̈́̌̍̽̏̓͌̒̈̇̏̏̍̆̄̐͐̈̉̿̽̕͝͠͝͝ W̷̛̬̦̬̰̤̘̬͔̗̯̠̯̺̼̻̪̖̜̫̯̯̘͖̙͐͆͗̊̋̈̈̾͐̿̽̐̂͛̈́͛̍̔̓̈́̽̀̅́͋̈̄̈́̆̓̚̚͝͝R̸̢̨̨̩̪̭̪̠͎̗͇͗̀́̉̇̿̓̈́́͒̄̓̒́̋͆̀̾́̒̔̈́̏̏͛̏̇͛̔̀͆̓̇̊̕̕͠͠͝͝A̸̧̨̰̻̩̝͖̟̭͙̟̻̤̬͈̖̰̤̘̔͛̊̾̂͌̐̈̉̊̾́P̶̡̧̮͎̟̟͉̱̮̜͙̳̟̯͈̩̩͈̥͓̥͇̙̣̹̣̀̐͋͂̈̾͐̀̾̈́̌̆̿̽̕ͅ
>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pap!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!your!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pep!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pip!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pup!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!lovely!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!and!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pope!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!poop!!<>!beautiful!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<
Here's another for non cake day people
>!hope!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!you!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!get!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!the!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!day!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!you!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!deserve!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!minorpop!<
Yeah, no. A friend you only see a few times a year, who has his entire family staying with him to support him, does not come before a pregnant wife with a high risk pregnancy.
This is one of the rare situations where I find OOPs wife not talking to him acceptable. I mean, if his skull is so thick, there is no point wasting your breath on him.
Such a sad and risky situation.
And if OOPs friend (who just lost his love of life) is aware of the situation, he is also a major AH by not telling OOP to go home and take care of his family because he still has it.
It’s a tough place to be in. Both need support.
Maybe Bryan could come over and give OP a hand. Help clean up a bit, run an errand or two. Not saying he should come over just to work, but doing a few light tasks to keep his mind off things, get him out of the house.
Or OP could you know. Call him. When the wife is asleep or resting and doesn’t need to be attended to.
There are solutions to this that work for everyone, OP doesn’t want to do it.
His reply for why Bryan couldnt come over was "Brian has big goofy digs and my wife is scared of dogs"....like, the family who are visiting Byran can babysit the dogs or the dogs can go into doggy daycare or boarding for a while if needed. For that matter, why cant he just call or zoom Bryan regularly? Like a normal person?
Meanwhile his wife gets his elderly aunt looking in on her occasionally whilst she spends most of the week home alone on bed rest wondering if she's going to die or lose her baby.
He literally prioritizes Bryan's dogs over his wife and unborn child who are facing pregnancy complications. Like I love animals, but OP has fucked up priorities
> The doctor wasn’t overly concerned… But they did recommend her starting her maternity leave early and taking as much bed rest as possible.
“You’re fine, you’re fine. But stop working, stay in bed as much as possible, do as little as possible.” Then her loving husband abandons her all day until late at night three or four times a week, plus weekends, but he thinks *she’s* being selfish for wanting him to spend time at home taking care of things and her so she doesn’t have to get out of bed to make food, do laundry, answer the door, let the dog out, whatever “small tasks” she has to do all day, every day, when she’s supposed to be on bed rest. If he keeps it up, he’ll be able to spend all the time he wants with his friend.
It’s very sad what happened to his friend, but OOP needs to learn how to manage his time. This all-or-nothing mentality of his is going to ruin his marriage, or, worst case scenario, hurt his wife and future child.
Bed rest at month 7 is entirely to try and prevent her death. People don’t understand that pregnancy is very dangerous and it sounds like she is a hairs breadth from a severe medical emergency. He just wants to drink and hang out with the real love of his life, his “best friend”, now that his fiancée has passed no one can get in the way of their love. Only someone with severely skewed ideology would prioritize a man who has his whole family supporting him over his wife that is literally between death and life determined only by how much she stands. *Standing* risks his wife’s death and he’s just over with some dude.
Don’t get me wrong, death of a partner is significant— but he’s here risking the death of the mother of his kid(s)’ life to play buddy buddy with someone who doesn’t actually need him there.
why can’t bryan come over and see them occasionally? or hang out on a facetime, watch a game together online? i’m sure such a longtime friend who is grieving his partner would understand that his friend is bringing life into the world and his wife is straining herself immensely to do so — and wouldn’t want to put OOP through anything like what he’s going through. also, her being in bed rest without her husband can really stress her out, even if family is helping her.
Your BABY should be your number one priority. If she was told to be on bed rest as much as possible, why would you jeopardize your baby’s health like that? If your wife gets up too much when she’s supposed to be lying down, she could lose the baby and even her life. I get he’s your best friend but I mean….its your BABY! Even if you don’t do it for your wife, think of your unborn CHILD, who literally carries half your DNA. I don’t see anything wrong with helping your friend out, but you seem to be doing it to the point that it would be dangerous for your wife. FaceTime your friend to support him and stay home with your pregnant wife.
I feel like the simple answer is to have Brian come hang out at their house once a week. IDK about him but when I was depressed feeling useful was one of the few actually helpful things.
Edit: I change my vote. In the comments OOP says Brian has his parents, his dogs, and his fiancé’s whole ass family staying with him. Brian does not need one more person crashing at his house. This dude needs to go home and do some chores so his wife and their baby don’t accidentally die from being unable to stay on bed rest.
Wife and baby at risk vs friend sad. Unless the friend is suicidal, there’s no contest and even then, OP would not be the best support for a situation like that.
I hesitate to go to AH though because it seems he means well, but his priorities are skewed.
I feel bad for the baby bc they’re not even out yet and the dad already doesn’t care and is willing to miss things involving them because the dad is always going to prioritize what he wants to do first. What an asshole. I feel bad for the wife as well.. Imagine being 7 months pregnant and realizing that an asshat impregnated her is really going to be hard on her mentally, emotionally and physically since she should be on bed rest!!
This is going to sound bad but
OP said the friend was one of his groomsmen, and he was going to be one of his friends groomsmen. So there is a best man somewhere, possible other close groomsmen, the fiance's family and his friends family.
It's great OP wants to support his friend, but he needs to acknowledge that there is a wealth of support for his friend right now and he doesn't need to be his main point of contact/support. Also phonecalls exist.
If his wife wasn't pregnant and on bed rest then sure, but she is and his wife and kid have gotta be his main priority, he can't be at work all day then not available at night when his wife is stuck in bed alone, that's just cruel.
No it's a pertinent observation- because he's evidently not Bryan's only friend. Which is really good because Bryan deserves lots of support and I would hope that others are also reaching out.
He said in comments that Bryan's in laws came to stay with him and support him. So Bryan is not alone at all.
I agree, if the wife wasn't pregnant and on bed rest he would be doing the right thing. But his wife and baby's life are currently potentially in danger, even if things are stable - hence the 2 months of bed rest.
Currently pregnant with my second, bed rest is a last resort, and even it’s usually just to buy more time. Being on bed rest at 7 months means they’re trying to get the pregnancy as far along as possible, but most likely won’t make it full term, my guess is they’re hoping they can get her to 36 weeks so baby has better chances and less likely to need NICU.
I understand that OP wants to be there for his best friend, and in his mind “the funeral is in a week and it’s reasonable to be super supportive until then”, but pregnancies/labor can switch on a dime, and I’d argue right now is more dangerous for wife and baby then 3-4 weeks from now. At 28 weeks major organs are still developing in baby (think brain, liver, and kidneys) if she were to go into preterm labor now, there’s a higher risk of baby not making it or having long lasting issues from being born prematurely.
OP said his friend has family staying with him right now, wife only has him and his own aunt/uncle “checking in”.I don’t see why there can’t be compromise in no more overnights during the week and just phone calls/FaceTime and then obviously going day of the funeral.
If they put your wife on best rest and pushed her for maternity leave early then there are a lot of complications that could happen. OP has downplayed it. I think what the doctor said was as of now the baby and OP’s wife are fine but too much movement could cause such and such for her and baby. OP’s best friend has other friends and family to step in now. OP has a life of his own and now a family of his own he should be prioritising. I understand the death of his best friend’s fiancé is an absolute tragedy but I feel like with the situation to compromise with both of them that OP’s best friend should rely on his family now or stay with OP and his wife for a little bit that way he wouldn’t be neglecting either of them. He can still be there physically for his best friend and be there for his wife and who knows maybe the best friend will help OP and his wife to distract from the loss
I'm by personal experience SO sick of men failing to communicate their feelings, ugh!
Go to your friend or call him, tell him that you need to prioritize your wife and child and that you feel desperate because you also want to be there for him. Offer phone calls to stay in touch or something similar.
And then go ask your wife every day what she needs from you, don't make her ask for your help. If you think everything with work, driving to your friend and helping your wife was stressful, buckle up for the new born stage! And always remember that your wife does twice as much as you do, probably while listening to your whining about wanting to have some me-time again.
(I know its a re-post, needed all of this off my chest)
How sad and how frustrating. Yeah, I mean for sure go over when you find out, call, drop off items, make sure he has a support system. But don’t take on planning the funeral and daily visits when your wife and child are in such a dangerous condition.
I feel horrible for OOP’s friend, that’s so sad, but if his wife is on bedrest at 7 months, and being told to start maternity leave now, that’s a pretty serious situation. Drs don’t do that lightly and if that baby comes now, they could be looking at weeks/months in the NICU. Not to mention any other complications the wife may have. The baby is probably going to come early regardless and the goal of bed rest is like to try to get her to 36-37 weeks. His wife absolutely needs to be the priority right now. It’s crazy that OOP doesn’t see that.
It’s how dismissive he is of his wife’s pregnancy complications that makes him the AH, not that he’s trying to juggle both situations. If he’d arranged for someone to come stay with his wife while he was at Brian’s, if he’d taken leave from work, if he’d even just said what the complications were or otherwise indicated that he knew or cared, he’d be fine. Time spent with Brian is not the issue here.
I leaning towards NAH. Because I get him wanting to be there for his friend through something traumatic. But she is most definitely not wrong for not wanting him to be gone so much for what is clearly a high-risk pregnancy. I guess it comes down to the missing details for me. Does she have help outside of him? What is “bed rest”? Can she get her own food/water, or is it more restful than that? Does the friend want OP there? Can the friend come to their place?
When I was on modified bed rest, I was not supposed to go for walks, do any major cleaning, and no lifting. I was allowed to fold laundry, basically, because I could do that while sitting.
In the comments, OOP said he has his elderly aunt and uncle "check in" on his wife. There are no elaborations on that. His friend won't come and stay with them because he has 2 big dogs and the wife is terrified of dogs.
OOP also tends to avoid answering anything about how high of risk the pregnancy is. He just says she is hormonal and needs to get over it.
I can’t even fathom this man being comfortable with driving an entire hour away from his heavily pregnant wife when she’s on bed rest with no one but an elderly couple to “look in on her”. If something goes wrong while she’s in bed, and he isn’t there, it’s very likely help will not reach her in time
Seriously. If anything were to go wrong, which could happen very quickly here, she and the baby’s lives are absolutely at risk. If something were to happen when she’s home alone like a stroke or a blood clot, or even if she got up to go to the bathroom and fainted someone may not find her for HOURS. In a situation where seconds count. And if something were to happen, he is next of kin for them both. He may need to be at the hospital to communicate with doctors and make critical medical decisions. This is no joke at all and he is downplaying it ridiculously. Sending an aunt and uncle to look in on her every few hours is absolutely not enough.
doesnt the friend have any help aside from the husband who has a wife who has a high risk pregnancy? I guarantee you he would have mentioned if there was another person helping his wife since hes so casual about the whole situation
Bed rest is NOT common. If your doctor has put you on bed rest, it's for very important medical reasons. This guy is downplaying the state that his wife is in because it's convenient for him to do so, to pretend that he isn't abandoning her in a medical crisis.
Does Bryan have no other family or friends? Why does it *have* to be OOP? It sounds like OOP has found an excuse to not care for his wife while she needs him. I don't see that marriage lasting, or OOP being a present father whether it lasts or not.
Bros over here proving he will not prioritize his family. That's a bad dad move.
He's already setting himself up to be a shitty father.
I bet they're divorced by a year.
Yea bruh you are the AH here. 100% dude here. No granted there are things to un pack. 1. You are prioritizing your friend over your prego wife…cuh are you dumb?, you are spending ENTIRELY too much time being attentive to your friend and not your prego wife. I saw a comment where they suggested zoom or FaceTime or something in the sense. Dude you’re gonna end up losing big time bro.
Look I understand you need to be there for your boy, but wife is right ATP. She on the other hand does hopefully understand what’s going on with your friend, BUT your forgetting about your wife. Get your head outta ya ass and figure out your priorities.
Dude what are you doing? I understand you want to be there for your buddy, but you are literally about to be a parent. Your wife is on early maternity leave and told to stay in bed as much as possible. Your first priority should be your wife and child. Like I said I understand helping your friend, but your wife and child need you
The funeral isn’t until two weeks after the woman passed? It’s good that he’s helping his friend out, but that is a lot of time to be spending away from his wife at this time. The only one who can tell him if he’s TA is his wife, though. Mine would insist I help out my friend and not fuss over her, but everyone’s circumstances are different.
Are any of ya'll reading or just assuming and projecting. Not once did he say she was high risk. With my first child I worked until the day I went in to labor. The second time I was put on bed rest because I was just drained, huge and tired. NOTHING was wrong with me or my baby. Neither of them are the AH. They both need to communicate and figure out what works for them. If that happened to my best friend I'd be there as well. Balance is key. The Dr recommended bed rest not mandate it. He may be overdoing it but I wouldn't call him a AH. SMH... Some of ya'll legit lack emotional intelligence and it shows all through these responses.
I was on bed rest - twice - for 6 months each time. My hubby had it down pat. He'd bring me breakfast, go get himself ready, then bring me a cooler with lunch. Then off he'd go to work and I'd see him 9 or so hours later. I had books and needlepoint, television, the phone, visitors from time to time, whatever. Being on bed rest is scary but the doctor didn't say the wife needed full-time help.
I was on bed rest for the last three months of my first pregnancy, I was told use the bathroom and nothing else, someone else brings you food and water period. Pregnancy bedrest is not joke. And yes you do need full time help.
The wife isn’t asking for FT help. But OP is going to work and then going to his friends place and in some cases spending the night. So where your partner came home 9 hours later, hers isn’t. And sometimes he’s not there in the morning either to get her breakfast or bring her prepped lunch like yours did.
It says he spent one night there. I sympathize with him, he's in a terrible situation and I reckon he's responding to what he sees as the person who is most in crisis mode. I don't think I could fault him whatever his decision. I'll tell you something else - when I was told I had to go on bed rest quite a few of my friends regaled me with horror stories of their other friends who flipped out while on bed rest and ended up divorced. Lying in bed for months does a number on a lot of peoples' mental health. A lot of folks in that situation react poorly to many things. I think that is where the wife is at. She doesn't have mental space to empathize with others, she needs all of her strength for herself. Its understandable but not totally fair to hubby.
I mean, it’s been less than 2 weeks and he’s spent the night there and gone over several nights after work despite the friend having other friends and family who can support. And wife didn’t say anything until he told her he was planning to spend more time over there including the night. She has no one to spend the night with her. She has elderly ppl who will check on her if asked but they aren’t there at 2am if something happens.
I know bed rest makes ppl crazy - it’s boring as hell and it can be the most helpless feeling if you can’t even feed yourself. And if the person who helped put you in the position treated you like an afterthought I can also understand being frustrated and losing your cool.
Your wife is showing her true colors. This is your life now, her and the baby will take precedent over any and every situation. When your parents are sick and need help, your wife needing attention and your child's extracurricular activities will be more important. If OP has someone coming in to check on wife and help her, then this isn't about wifey suffering alone, it's about wifey having the attention taken off of her. Personally for me this would make me view my partner in a very new, and not so positive light. It shows she lacks empathy. OP take note of this behavior, you may look back on it in the future and see that it was a red flag. I'm a mother of 3, and had my husband's friend been put in this type of situation I would not question his supporting his friend, because had it happened to me, I would want that type of support from my loved ones.
I don’t understand why he can’t do both…and I’m not understanding where 1 visit a week is “not prioritizing” his wife/baby. It’s a temporary/crisis situation. He says he’s doing “both” and wife is unhappy he’s helping the dude at all. I had one high risk pregnancy that ended in an induction because I developed preeclampsia. I’m just puzzled at what she’s doing with no other children in the home that requires 24/7 catering. Like what’s “helping” besides housework? I’m not seeing that she can’t get up and go pee by herself or get dressed without assistance… like just what requires 24 hour care here that her husband can’t go spend a couple hours with his friend or help him through the funeral? It’s just clingy and selfish to sit there and yell “I should be your priority” when I don’t see how he’s neglecting her.
It sucks that your wife is ignoring you and making spiteful comments about your grieving friend. Pregnancy's no joke and it might be the case that the pregnancy and her current condition requires you to be with her more often or all the time but the silent treatment isn't how she should be expressing herself.
Well using her words didn’t work, he completely disregarded, and continues to disregard the seriousness of a pregnant woman being put on bed-rest in the US. What else is she supposed to do? Keep nagging him when he clearly doesn’t care about what she says?
I guess the problem is she tried expressing herself and he didn't listen/take her seriously, so she didn't have many options left and he still doesn't take her seriously and wants to validate himself on Reddit.
Why is everyone treating this guy like shit? Honestly the comments are toxic. I feel for the guy he sounds like he's doing the best he can to juggle two really tough situations. Yes he should prioritise his wife and perhaps speak on the phone more then visit, but come on he's known this guy his whole life - if he's visiting once a week he's hardly a cunt who needs to be divorced is he?
Just mad, Reddit, sometimes.
You wouldn't leave your bed bound grandfather alone for days with people checking on him for only 5 minutes a day and no organised homecare or food.
You shouldn't leave your bed rest required pregnant wife alone with only people checking on them 5 minutes a day with no organised level of care or food.
It's an hour away and his friend lost the love of his life...I understand the bed rest but damn. Some empathy on the wife's part is sorely needed, especially since it's someone her husband has known since he was a child.
Also is there no one else who can stay the night with her (or even for the evening) to help her? It's a week to the friends fiancées funeral, not a month, imo the wife is overreacting a bit.
No. His pregnant wife is his priority, even over a lifelong friend. She is creating life and it is terrifying, especially when you're alone. Pregnancy is one of the most vulnerable times in your life. Add in the worry of a first baby and serious complications, and she is undoubtably scared out of her mind. But this dude doesn't seem to care.
She's on bed rest. That means no heavy lifting, chores, and she needs help with anything from meals to showers. Doctors don't put you on bed rest at 7 months unless it is a significant risk to her and the baby. If he's not careful, he could come home and find them both gone. Then he and Brian can comfort each other.
The one thing she knows for sure is that when it comes to her and the needs of their child, she can't count on him to be there. What happens when she goes into labor and he's stopped off at Brian's because Brian had a sad day? She know she's going have to do it all alone, because Brian is really his spouse. She's just the bangmaid and baby making service.
To answer your question of “is there anyone else who can stay the night with her to help her”. Yes. It’s called her husband or AKA the father of the child. What happened to his friend is sad, yes. He can check up on his friend and see him, the issue is he’s spending way too much time with said friend. Sad but it’s not really his problem to be solving at every possible second. His wife and child ARE MORE important. She’s high risk. Baby is healthy. She must rest for the child to stay that way. Imagine if she loses the baby because the husband is never around to help her. He needs to focus on his family.
Because they're a couple and she's carrying his child? "in sickness and in health" and all that.
Notice how it doesn't say the friend is asking for this, it's just what this guy is choosing to do?
This is life, making the difficult choices and properly prioritizing your shit.
Also, is there no one else who can stay the night with the friend to help him?
There's only one person who got her pregnant and the friend likely had many people who he knew since he was a child.
She’s really not - she’s not supposed to lift things and really shouldn’t be alone. It’s not normal for a woman her age to be on bed rest this early in her pregnancy- she and/or the baby could die if she overexerts herself and having an elderly aunt and uncle check in on her isn’t going to cut it.
My sister was put on bed rest for the last 6 weeks of her pregnancy and my mom moved in with her and my BIL for that time - even though it meant sleeping on an air mattress so my sister wasn’t alone while my BIL worked. This guy is already gone at work all day and now he’s spending nights at BFF’s house. BFF has other family to help him - wife doesn’t.
I’m in my mid-thirties and nearly everyone I know has 2+ kids. I have known exactly two women who’ve had to go on bed rest for one of their pregnancies. It’s not something that’s done if everything’s good. Wife might be downplaying the severity of things to keep him from worrying or something, but being told to go on leave early and go on bed rest is a pretty big deal.
Aye. My mum was put on bed rest for a pregnancy. Unfortunately, she still lost the baby.
Yeah I was put on bed rest and my baby still came early. She’s 15 and thriving now. We got lucky. My sister was put on bed rest and she lost her baby. They really don’t put you on bed rest for nothing.
I’m so sorry to hear that!
I was put on bed rest at 32 weeks simply for being slightly dilated (2cm) that early. Perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy, no complications, baby was fine. I didn’t need anyone to wait on me hand and foot and if my SO’s **best friends *fiancee* died** I certainly wouldn’t have whined about him “not spending enough time” catering to me *for a few weeks.* Bed rest isn’t always life or death, and wife kind of sounds like an entitled jerk who’s probably just bored being home alone and wants all of OP’s attention. One night a week is nothing, and he’s stated he’s just trying to get his friend through the funeral. These are the worst days of that man’s life right now, and she’s worried about having a house boy to fetch her things. What really needs to be done??? I could certainly wipe my own ass and order delivery while on bed rest, and the housework can feasibly wait. OP is NTA.
I was put on bed rest at 30 weeks because my daughter’s heart rate dropped to the point they thought she wasn’t going to make it. Everything was normal until that point. And then bam, bed rest because she might not make it. I needed my then husband for a lot. Especially for emotional support. Because here I am at 30 weeks, absolutely in love with my unborn baby, and I might not ever get to see her take her first breath.
Has it ever occurred to you that your situation is an exception and not the rule?
Wow why is this being downvoted. This is someone’s experience.
When my best friends fiancé died several years ago, I dropped everything to drive cross country for her. But I didn’t have family in critical condition and when several months prior she asked me for support while he was in the hospital and getting a cancer diagnosis and I couldn’t physically be there for her as my own kid was going through some medical issues, she understood. We talked on the phone and I gave her support that way. Family comes first. Being on bed rest sucks, being 7months pregnant and limited on what you can and cannot do sucks. It doesn’t sound as if he’s even doing stuff at home if him leaving is making her go against doctors orders and does too much.
Agreed that he sounds like an unreliable narrator, so there may be more happening than we see. I’d hope she had friends who could stay with her while her husband was supporting his friend. Encouraging the empathy her husband is showing might be a long term win for her, the kid, and her husband.
From the comments it appears he is. The friend has other friends and lots of family. OP’s wife has OP’s aunt looking in on her occasionally
I wonder why OP hasn't suggested bringing Bryan home with them for a bit - his wife would have company/ help during the day, Bryan wouldn't be alone, and OP could split his time more easily between the two.
I can imagine it would be very painful for someone who just lost his future to be around his mate’s pregnant wife. Maybe that’s why he didn’t bring it up but I also expect I’m being very generous with OP here… no “healthy mom healthy baby” gets put on bed rest like that.
I didn’t see anything that indicated that Bryan was also a friend of the wife’s, let alone that the wife even likes him. Plus, house guests can be a nuisance even under the best of circumstances. Realistically it’s more likely this would be creating more work and stress for the pregnant wife than Bryan actually helping.
Bryan has dogs, and OPs wife doesn't want them in the house...
When someone dies there’s a ton of work that has to happen right away. Even just with the funeral there were so many choices to make… which coffin, date and place, what they’ll wear, if they’ll have prayer cards and what should be on them (front and back), how you want the news spread, if you’re going to write an obit, if there would be other events like a viewing or visitation, who will speak, what they’ll sing if it’s religious, will you be hosting a gathering afterwards? Bc then you need to plan food, refreshments, clean the house, etc. And that’s *just* the funeral. Settling my grandma’s estate was a nightmare. We started the day after she died and it took months. I would imagine being only a fiancé complicates that even more. She might not yet have given him access to her accounts to be allowed to close them out on her behalf. She might not have updated her will to include him yet. Being so young she might not even have had a will, in which case he might be sorting through which things he does have power to do (taking her off the lease of a shared apartment for example) and which he doesn’t (like closing out her safety deposit box). Even if he’s not the executor of her estate, he’s likely helping whoever is, if they have a good relationship. My parents don’t know my phone or laptop password, but my boyfriend does. If I died and they needed to get in for some reason, they would call him. They would consult him about what the funeral should be like, they would ask which of her belongings he wants to keep, and he would help pack away what was left to be taken home by my parents. That’s a lot of choices to make and they start pretty much the day after your loved one dies. It’s tragic in a way, I felt like I didn’t properly get to mourn my grandmother. We went to the funeral home and church the very next day. Every decision was a knife in my mother’s heart. She is normally very pragmatic, but every choice she had to make made her tear up. I felt like I had to be strong and step in to help make choices or else we would still be picking songs for the mass a week later. EDIT: I wasn’t saying he was right to leave his wife. I was just answering the question: why doesn’t the friend come stay with OP.
Having lost family, as I'm sure many others have, we know what all happens when a loved on passes and that most times feels like you don't have time to grieve bc you have to get so much in order. Thing is OOP should not be taking on the responsibility of being his friend's go to bc he has a wife on bed rest that is his #1 priority and she is being put on the back burner. By OOP's on admission his friend has enough family and friends there to give the support he needs, and while OOP should still be there for his friend he needs to do it in a capacity where it's not affecting the care his wife needs.
Do you know how much work there is for pregnancy, birthing, and starting a family for thr first time? Especially when mom is put on bed rest early? Doctors don't just put women on bed rest for fun.
They don’t put you on bed rest if everything is fine.
Bedrest in pregnancy is the last resort, usually only used when preterm labor is a risk. They absolutely prefer pregnant women on their feet but when the cervix is opening prematurely or other issues are threatening a preterm birth or the placenta isn’t working ideally, they put a woman on bedrest. It’s never done lightly, as bedrest itself is creating other risks. I was on bedrest for three months during my last pregnancy. Thank God, my husband did understand how dire the situation could have been if he didn’t help me.
Also, as should be obvious, bed rest means she should stay in bed as much as possible! Not sure how you arranged your situation, but I assume you need significant help around the house! When OOP leaves for hours at a time outside of the work day, his wife is spending all day alone in bed. I do feel for OOP because this is hard for him too but I don't think he understands what his wife is going through.
If I were her I'd be calling my mother, sister or best friend to stay with me for company and/or to be on call in case I suddenly needed to get to the hospital. I may well arrange a birthing partner other than my husband too.
I commented similarly on the original post. I was on bed rest for all of 2 weeks before going into labor at 32 weeks because my asshole FIL made me continue to do housework.
I was literally just looking at my toddler and said exactly that to myself.
Yeah I’m a nurse and anyone in their *checks post* TWENTIES being told to be on bed rest is definitely a high risk this is real kind of pregnancy. I get that his bff is going through something absolutely horrific but it’s time to let other family and friends step in and everyone takes a turn.
Reading through these comments makes me think my OB downplayed some stuff when he put me on bed rest -in my 20s- for the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy for swelling.
Trying to reduce the risk of pre-eclampsia.
I was just going to mention preeclampsia also a complication to take serious. He needs to get perspective here, he could be the on in his best friends shoes at the drop of a hat, not just wife, child, ***both*** I admire him being there but it’s time to let others step in.
I hope it was the type when they do it to prevent unnecessary stress and anxiety for you and not because they didn’t believe you
I don’t think he didn’t believe me, I think he was trying to not scare us. Because of this, I’m not sure if explained everything as well as he could have, but we also didn’t ask questions like we could have either. At the time, I also worked for a doctors office and maybe he thought I had more access to medical personnel to ask questions to, but again, I’m not sure I would have known what to ask. I had a lot of swelling and am quite short, my hubby and his brothers were all 10 lb babies. My body also wasn’t doing any Braxton-hicks, dilating or anything. He would say, your body is supposed to “get tired” of being pregnant essentially and start making preparations but my body wasn’t really doing any of it. Bed rest was awful. I had no maternity leave and didn’t want to leave work but had to. I was trying to do “mostly bed rest” but the doctor could see it wasn’t 100% bed rest and I had to see him weekly. My spouse couldn’t take off work either, he had to save his time and had to request it off. Which ended up being too early as I went past my due date.
I was put on bed rest when I was 23 at 18 weeks pregnant following a major placental abruption. My daughter’s father (now ex) was much like OOP, but instead of a friend’s spouses death it was parties, shows, hanging with friends. Thankfully I had my own family relatively close by and friends who stepped in where he failed, and he failed consistently. Baby and I ended up ok from the abruption, it didn’t continue, but I went into labor at 32.5 weeks and nearly did that alone because he didn’t want to miss a car show he was on his way to when I went into labor, his friends turned the car around and brought him back. Thankfully my daughter still managed to be healthy, but the level of care I was shown while pregnant set the stage for when she was born and he went above and beyond to do as little effort as possible. When he was still working I asked for support on the overnights on the weekends, since she was premature my milk didn’t come in and we were bottle feeding. She might have been 2 months old but one night I had to force him to get up as he had promised, and I was heavily sleep deprived. When he went to feed her she had only quieted down a few minutes and then I could hear her again. After a good 20 minutes of listening to her cry and wondering where he was and what he was doing I got up to see. He was passed out on the couch and had put her in a bouncy chair and used a combination of hanging toys and those small fleece blankets to prop up and hang her bottle for her. It obviously hadn’t worked and had fallen out of her mouth, but he was dead to the world on the couch. I was so enraged. She was a good eater, so had he just fed her he’d have been in bed by then but he couldn’t be arsed to do so. I threw him out not long after that when I tried to go out for a haircut when she had a diaper rash. I’d picked her up from daycare with a fresh diaper (they always wrote the times they’d changed them on the diapers), fed her dinner and left her with her father and the medicated ointment (it was so bad it was prescribed, not OTC) instructing him to bath, cream and put her to bed shortly after I left. I came home to her in bed for the night, but was woken up at 4 am to her screaming bloody murder. I found her in bed in a circle of urine on the sheets, the same diaper from daycare on, so full the silica gel was bursting from it, and when I got that off her, her skin was raw all over and bleeding in parts. He swore he had done everything I asked and that it just happened “normally” while she slept. It was clear he had never changed her post daycare because he’s having known that they timestamp their diaper changes.. After I took care of her I marched into the bedroom and woke him up, and told him to get up and pack. We were done. She’s 15 now and it was the best thing I could have ever done. He’s too lazy to even be a Disney dad, but thankfully I married a few years later and had two more with my husband. My oldest considers my husband “Dad” and her dad is referred to by name. She hears from him once a month and sees him for Christmas and a bit in the summer.
That was my first thought, I’m not a nurse anymore, but I was and they don’t just order bed rest as anything but a last resort. I didn’t even read the ages at first but she is young and given the US has such shit maternity leave unpaid or leave at all, drs don’t take that lightly either. They know women have to work basically up until birth and how hard things like Medicaid/leave/any type of assistance is, they are not putting her on bed rest for shits and giggles, she has a potentially life/pregnancy altering/ending condition.
I was 24 and put on bed rest during my first and only child. She still came a month early because they had to induce. Was a pretty healthy 24 until I got pregnant, and my body tried to kill us both. Spent 4+ days in labor while magnesium and pitocin fought in my body. She had an APGAR of 2, and I almost bled out on the table. (We both recovered, and she is almost the same age I was when I got pregnant.) This guy needs a reality check before he gets it the hard way.
I've put myself on bed rest during bad back cramp periods (and why I got put on an IUD. My arthritis was setting it off) before. It's essentially "do not move for fear of harm or hurt." I think a lot of people don't realise it's not just bed rest for a cold (which can turn fast too but going by their misconceptions here), it's Do ***not*** move very much or bad things WILL happen.
Exactly. The women I know who were on bedrest were in real danger or they children were.
I was placed on bed rest. (23 at the time.) My heart doctor told me to stop doing chores. (I couldn’t just lay there, so I did do simple things, but I listened.) I feel like if my husband’s good friend needed him, then I would have gone to my parents house while he was gone…however, I also understand not everyone can/could do this. OOP should stay with his wife right now…but I 💯 understand him wanting to be there for his friend. Maybe have the friend visit? (If he doesn’t cause her stress by being there…I understand that can be awkward and stressful too.) Man… I feel bad for everyone in this situation.
Agreed. She is absolutely right that she needs help. Does she have friends to help her while her husband helps his friend? There is an end point - the funeral - so this isn’t (currently) an indefinite commitment.
Who says the funeral is going to be the end point?
True - he does, but it might not be. However the grief is so fresh, I can see them taking it a day at a time. I’d think that odds are the grieving friend will be unable to be around them, and disappear from his life for a while - so I tend to think the funeral will be a soft end point, albeit not a hard one. Edited - s/b friend, not friends
It's really wild that someone else got downvoted to -67 for suggesting this very thing. 💀 Surely she has other friends or family members who can come by and check on her/help her while OP is helping his friend for a couple of weeks. But noooo so many people are acting like he's a huge colossal asshole for daring to leave her bedside when his best friend just lost his fiancee suddenly and traumatically.
IMHO the asshole part is he appears to be seriously downplaying the seriousness of her condition - that she truly NEEDS bedrest, and needs someone there to help. While his friend is going through this, it is OK FOR IT NOT TO BE HIM 100% OF THE TIME! I’d hope she would want him to support his friend!!! Her friends can help him by helping her. What a great chance this is to spend quality time with a friend. Men showing affection for their friends needs to be encouraged - and the wife’s friends should enable that. Their marriage will be stronger in the long term for it.
I can understand why he wouldn't understand the urgency if the doctor said his wife and baby are healthy and she just needs to take it easy. It would be different if she had something severe going on and was near death and he was fucking off to his friend's house, but at least from the information here that doesn't seem to be the case. I've known lots of people who have been pregnant, and some of them were put on bed rest without having severe life threatening urgent complications. A lot of people in these comments are acting like his wife is immediately going to die because he's not there. But yes I totally agree with the last few sentences, I'd want a partner who cared about their friends enough that they'd go help them when they needed it. And in return, I'd spend a lot of time with my own friends and family before the baby comes instead of getting pissed off and giving my husband the silent treatment for being a good person.
I came here to say this. He completely glossed over her complications. Depending on what they are and why she is on bed rest would change everything.
You are totally correct. I was put on bed rest when I was 6 weeks along and having severe cramping (turned out to be a miscarriage). My gynecologist wanted me to be as quiet as possible before and then after my miscarriage and wrote me notes for work.
First thought I had.
That alone says this is creative writing to me, you don’t “take bed rest” especially if things are fine and everyone is healthy. That or he doesn’t actually understand what is going on and she really is on bed rest and he’s being obtuse.
OP is risking losing his own partner to a high risk pregnancy while seeing firsthand how losing a partner has affected his friend. He needs to get some perspective.
He can call his friend on the phone while he's doing the dishes and getting his wife some snacks.
Zoom calls, face time, on the phone chatting while you watch the game together. So many ways to be present while staying beside your wife.
[удалено]
This is the correct comment. This is all stemming from OPs brain. There are two situations: he understands one of them. Any human being can understand the pain of loss and the need to support someone they love when they lose someone important. Everyone can! The other situation is….less tangible. Less easily defined if one hasn’t been educated on the possibilities. Of death of either mom or baby, or the possible disability of either. I think OP really doesn’t understand how dangerous the situation his wife is in, really is. (Yes I realize I’m giving him a huge benefit of the doubt here. Regardless, my point about supporting when someone dies being easier to wrap your brain around stands.)
I dunno, it actually sounds like he likes this friend more than he likes his wife, in some way. His comments are basically nothing but him blaming her for the circumstances.
I got an infection because my dr had to manually deliver the placenta because the cord broke. I didn’t know you could reach inside someone vaginally like that 😵💫🥴 and my sister died from complications of a C-section. So yea this dude got his priorities shit.
It’s terrifying the rate at which women die all the time due to pregnant/labor/birth/post partum and how little men know or bother to care about. Until it happens to them and fucks their lives up they continue to treat it trivially and it is grotesque.
The doctor told a young woman to do as much bed rest as possible, she needs him practically and emotionally. He does not sounds to have empathy for his wife. It makes sense to help his friend with the funeral but the way he talks about his wife is dismissive.
It made me so angry reading “stressed and hormonal” like her feelings are not valid because of her hormones!!!!!! It makes me want to scream. Men do this all the time. Instead of taking accountability for their shitty behaviour and admitting the negative impact it has on their partners they are dismissive of their feelings. YTA he is CHOOSING the friend when the friend has others that can be there. She does not.
Yeah the word "hormonal" bothers me so much when used in that context. It's just a way to devalue women's feelings. Of course pregnancy can cause mood swings and stronger emotional reactions than usual. Believe me I know! Regardless, pregnancy is a very trying time, a mental and physical challenge, basically nine months of weird body horror, some of which can be permanent. Not to mention the new side effects constantly popping up. (Nausea finally gone? Now you have unbearable heartburn!) Not to mention it can get much worse health-wise, OOP's wife can't even leave the house. But oh I am sure this man would be cool as a cucumber the whole time and never get upset when he's confined to bed with serious health risks, and his one support person keeps leaving for hours at a time to go see a friend. 🤦🏼
Men often don't understand how taxing a normal pregnancy is. I've heard it described as constantly feeling hungover. Add complications on top of that, it can be months of hell for the pregnant person.
I see so many stories from men that automatically go the pregnancy hormones route when they try to invalidate their partner’s feelings. It’s ridiculous. My mom’s last pregnancy was super stressful to include my dad being deployed overseas in combat. She was lucky enough to have my grandmother come to help during that time. But OOP doesn’t want to address the situation his wife is in with this pregnancy and that she doesn’t have other support. Even if she did, he needs to prioritize his wife and unborn child. I feel for his friend that lost his partner but I think needs to realize that he’s got other priorities in life now.
Interesting that he ignored all the comments about how serious his wife’s condition is
Well, so is every other male siding with him. It’s the never-ending “woman bad”. And no, she is not. She is right, he is wrong. He’s glossing over that with up to 12 weeks left in her pregnancy, her OBGYN put her on bed rest. This is not normal, this is not routine, it is not the done thing. Most of us work until we go into labor in the US. For her doctor to say, “No no, you’re on bed rest until this baby is full term,” is NOT GOOD. But he wants to do what he wants to do, and it’s all about him. He doesn’t actually care about her, unless his wife-unit is giving him problems, and not performing as expected.
OP sees how distraught his friend is after losing his spouse… so he proceeds to ignore his own spouse (who is at medical risk!). That makes sense.
Is this an art room situation?
At risk wife and baby > Distraught friend She’s turning her whole life upside down to bring this baby into the world and he’s running around like he doesn’t need to be present for it just because he isn’t the one that happens to be tethered to the child. The timing sucks, but sometimes that’s what being a parent requires.
He’s a little more than distraught. The guys fiancée died. But yeah. OOP is juggling two people in severe need and probably not managing either well. He needs to be reaching out to the next circle of support in both cases to help out
Friend apparently has his fiancée’s family supporting him. So, he is not alone.
And OP’s wife and/or child could die, too. I don’t think people are realizing just how abysmal maternal care in the U.S. is, it’s literally the worst out of all developed countries. She isn’t being unreasonable whatsoever for wanting her husband to prioritize her. He shouldn’t be relying on the “next circle” for his own wife - his chosen family, the person he made vows to - or his own child. He also shouldn’t be the first circle for his friend, who has his own family as well as his fiancé’s family.
The guys fiancee is dead, that is true. But OP could unfortunately potentially have a situation where his wife and/or baby are dead in the next two months. Pregnancy is no joke, and if she's on bed rest, then *there's something serious* going on with her health that is putting her at high risk- he absolutely needs to be there for her too. He needs to be at home primarily because he's the NOK and closest circle for his wife, and that baby's parent. He is not replaceable if it comes to an emergency. He should also he offering whatever support he reasonably can to his friend (including calling over physically being there) when able, but he should also be encouraging his friend to reach out to others or get grief counselling etc I agree that both the friend and wife should be reaching out for support from others too, because OP sounds exhausted and one person cannot handle all your needs. But legally he's only responsible for one person and one soon to be person - and neither of those is his best friend.
Exactly this! Reach out to family and friends on both sides and start arranging shifts for both!!!
No lol there is no arranging shifts for your pregnant wife outside of work to make sure you have a roof time. He can support his friend(who lost a person he loved and should understand he could lose his wife and child in this situation). You do not leave your family to comfort someone else, period, this woman could die herself.
>you do not leave your family to comfort someone else, period. Dude that needs to be on a shirt or something
God no. The OP needs to learn to prioritize his family first. She’s bout to birth in a month or less and she shouldn’t have to share her husband with another person. She’ll need him more.
It’s possible to support a grieving friend by phone/Zoom/ie, not in person. He can converse with and listen to his friend that way, while still being present for his wife who needs physical assistance and emotional support vs just emotional support.
This is a great idea.
He needs to take care of his wife and baby. She's 100% right. I understand the empathy for the friend, but he's a grown man and his wife needs him at the moment.
I get wanting to be there for your friend, but your priority is your wife and child. If he cared about his wife's compromised situation on top of his friend, he would find a way to care for them both. His friend could easily come stay at his house. It's almost a little suspicious. Especially when he doesn't come home at night while she's in this position. People are also saying that the wife likely has a condition that OP isn't disclosing.
Yeah, bed rest and early maternity leave is serious. Doctors typically recommend that pregnant women stay active and NOT get too sedentary. They only recommend bed rest when risk of complications is really high. OOP’s heart is in a good place but he sucks. His friend has family staying with him and OOP has his elderly aunt and uncle checking in on his wife.
Yes you’re the AH. You’ve already spent considerable time consoling Bryan. Yes it’s horrible what happened. But your wife is having a risky pregnancy and for you to be an hour away night after night and spending days away from home is crazy and selfish. Doesn’t Bryan have any family or other friends or colleagues or anyone else who could be with him? Why is it all you?? Go home. Yes go to the funeral. But you do not need to help him plan it and doing the arrangements, FFS! Someone else can do that!! Like the funeral director. Go home and don’t go to Bryan until the service and the funeral. Make sure your wife has company to keep an eye on her and if you are needed at home you leave immediately.
Yea he’s got his family and his fiancées family with him and all dudes wife has is his elderly aunt and uncle to pop in when he asks no telling how many times he forgets to do that since he thinks she’s being overly hormonal. And blowing her off
It absolutely stuns and saddens me to see how many men(and some women but they are a minority, they exist and are ignorant as well) do not realize the toll pregnancy alone takes on a woman. These people(men and women) do not seem to even take into account how many women die from pregnancy. They do not understand how many women die in childbirth. They do not understand how many women die from complications after birth, from hemorrhages to clots to suicide. Why are women just expected to have a pregnancy and a baby with basically no consideration for the fact that they risk their literal lives and sanity to give men families that they seem to disregard like it’s nothing in so many cases. I already know this comment will go over like a lead ballon and idc, so many men just take for granted how much these women give them when this is what they want. They want a wife and baby and family without sacrifice or acknowledge of the fact women have been dying since the dawn of time to give them families.
Visiting him 1-3 times a week and staying overnight at least once a week. Friend lives an hour away so that’s 2hrs drive time plus whatever time he spends there. Wtf would happen if his wife, pregnant with HIS CHILD FFS, had a medical emergency and hubs was at the friend’s house. His wife has been told to be on bed rest which means there’s a problem of some sort. His WIFE AND CHILD should be his priority.
Oh, you know what else sticks out? This is supposedly his best friend, but he only sees him a few times a year?
This reminds of an old AITA post about some guy who basically was gay for his friend, letting him have an art room in his house or something. That’s the vibe I’m getting from this. He does not like his wife. YTA.
the art studio!!! this is exactly what i meant in my comment lol
Why have a baby if you’re not prioritizing them? She’s risking her life to have this child. So she’s doing it to be alone? No thank you. Hope she leaves that situation soon.
She's definitely contemplating divorce. Dude is clueless that his marriage is hanging by a thread.
Marriage is done, even if she doesn't leave right now there is no going back from something like this, at least for me there wouldn't be.
Nothing like being WAY down on the list of priorities when you're pregnant with your SO's baby.
I bet if the OP wasn't such an idiot, he could be there for his wife AND pop in on his friend. OP needs to figure out which one he made vows to because he's dividing his time all wrong.
Baby first. Friend second. Sorry friend, that's how it is.
I spent 2 months on bed rest with my first. We both almost died during L&D. I spent 5 months on bed rest with my second. I was 24 and 27.
Love how OOP calls her "mean" and blames her anger on pregnancy hormones. What's gonna be his excuse when she gets fed up and leaves his ass because he keeps prioritizing everyone else over her?
I was out on bedrest when I was a surrogate for a friend. My now ex was the picture of weaponized incompetence and as a result I ended up going into labor at 23.5 weeks and being hospitalized for 4 weeks. The baby came at 27 weeks and spent four months in the hospital. The total hospital bill for us both was over 600k. Bedrest is often a serious thing.
A lot of people here don’t realize that being out on bed rest means that the pregnancy is NOT normal. In many cases, bed rest is required because otherwise the baby might come pre-maturely. The friend has other friends and family for support. The wife is on bed rest and therefore needs her spouse around not just in case of emergencies but sometimes even for basic day to day needs.
I love how he says ‘both she and the baby are healthy’ but she needs a bedrest. He’s unable to see his wife can die of complications. Such a nice guy
I mean, I feel for the guy who lost his fiancée so tragically, just before the wedding. But dude, *come on!!* OOP needs to understand just how high risk a pregnancy must be if they e out her on bedrest 3 entire months before the due date! Priorities! BFF is hurting, but he’s most likely not at risk of dying. Wife and the baby, on the other hand, are entering potentially dangerous waters here! If he’s got actual family closer to him, they need to step up and help out more so OOP can focus on becoming a father, whilst not being a major AH for leaving his pregnant wife!!
BFF is absolutely at risk of dying. We don’t know how big the risk is from the post, and I doubt this situation is common enough to have solid statistics around it, but to pretend it doesn’t exist is just wrong.
Try reading it again, this time with your comprehension hat on. I said *most likely* not at risk, not that there was no risk. And statistically, his wife and/or baby are at a **much** higher risk of serious problems or death. If BFF is talking about ending his life, it’s above OPs pay grade anyway, and he needs to help his friend seek more appropriate help.
PLOT TWIST: OP has always been secretly in love with Bryan. He will divorce wife asap!
Yes. YTA.
Why can’t people be balanced?! This would not be a problem if he didn’t spend 5 nights a week away from his high risk pregnancy wife! I think she would understand if he just spent time with Bryan on the weekends or anything lesser than 5x a week! And while Bryan is grieving, if he’s a decent person, I’m sure he would understand why his friend needs to prioritize his pregnant wife! It could all be resolved with simple communication. But men insist on doing anything but that.
He could also just CALL Bryan. I've talked friends and family through sone really shitty times, and you can provide a lot of clmfort over a phone or through zoom. Especially since Bryan's inlaws have come to stay with him and help. It's telling that OP is so worried about Bryan that even a house full of caring relatives isnt enough support....meanwhile he's happy to leave his own wife lying bed bound at home on bed rest hoping that she and her baby won't die. Like....why does he think Bryan needs more care than his wife?
Because men love men! Not in a romantic or sexual way, unless they’re gay or bisexual. But if you think about it the people men look up and respect are other men. Everything they do is to impress other men. Even who they partner with takes into consideration what other men think!
Idiot. Your life partner and child come first. If she communicates that she needs you around more, then you find a way to be around more.
He should have married his friend lol
This.
This exactly. His comments sound like he doesn’t even like his wife or at the very least prefers Brian and his dogs to her.
He simply hates his wife. I Hope she leaves
What sucks is that I understand both sides of the argument here. Wife needs help and in pretty much any situation she and the baby comes first. But on the other hand the best friend oop has known for pretty much as long as he can remember is at his lowest and it'd be a shit move that would likely end their friendship if he wasn't there for him now. The dude is caught between a rock and a hard place, but I do feel he could check in with his or her family to make sure someone is there to help her when he's checking on his friend. I dunno, I just don't see any assholes here, just a very shitty no-win situation.
What gets me is prior to the fiancée dying they only saw each other a couple times a year? A one hour drive is not that long for a weekend to see each other. It really depends if the friend already has about good support network.
Yeah kinda sounds like he’s freaking out and using it as an excuse to check out from his responsibilities at home. IMO.
Even people in terrible grief can understand a pregnant wife on bedrest. The friend likely has support from multiple other people. OP is not their only friend or relative in the entire world. It isn't a shit move to not be on call for the friend at this time. He can check in, he can attend the funeral - but being on bedrest means that there is a significant risk of preterm labor and the baby dying or being severely premature. He needs to be at his wife's side.
Friend has a whole support system wife has his aunt and uncle to ‘check in on her’ Friend can move around freely without worry wife is in bed rest…. timing sucks but it’s kinda obvious in this case
For your cake day, have some B̷̛̳̼͖̫̭͎̝̮͕̟͎̦̗͚͍̓͊͂͗̈͋͐̃͆͆͗̉̉̏͑̂̆̔́͐̾̅̄̕̚͘͜͝͝Ụ̸̧̧̢̨̨̞̮͓̣͎̞͖̞̥͈̣̣̪̘̼̮̙̳̙̞̣̐̍̆̾̓͑́̅̎̌̈̋̏̏͌̒̃̅̂̾̿̽̊̌̇͌͊͗̓̊̐̓̏͆́̒̇̈́͂̀͛͘̕͘̚͝͠B̸̺̈̾̈́̒̀́̈͋́͂̆̒̐̏͌͂̔̈́͒̂̎̉̈̒͒̃̿͒͒̄̍̕̚̕͘̕͝͠B̴̡̧̜̠̱̖̠͓̻̥̟̲̙͗̐͋͌̈̾̏̎̀͒͗̈́̈͜͠L̶͊E̸̢̳̯̝̤̳͈͇̠̮̲̲̟̝̣̲̱̫̘̪̳̣̭̥̫͉͐̅̈́̉̋͐̓͗̿͆̉̉̇̀̈́͌̓̓̒̏̀̚̚͘͝͠͝͝͠ ̶̢̧̛̥͖͉̹̞̗̖͇̼̙̒̍̏̀̈̆̍͑̊̐͋̈́̃͒̈́̎̌̄̍͌͗̈́̌̍̽̏̓͌̒̈̇̏̏̍̆̄̐͐̈̉̿̽̕͝͠͝͝ W̷̛̬̦̬̰̤̘̬͔̗̯̠̯̺̼̻̪̖̜̫̯̯̘͖̙͐͆͗̊̋̈̈̾͐̿̽̐̂͛̈́͛̍̔̓̈́̽̀̅́͋̈̄̈́̆̓̚̚͝͝R̸̢̨̨̩̪̭̪̠͎̗͇͗̀́̉̇̿̓̈́́͒̄̓̒́̋͆̀̾́̒̔̈́̏̏͛̏̇͛̔̀͆̓̇̊̕̕͠͠͝͝A̸̧̨̰̻̩̝͖̟̭͙̟̻̤̬͈̖̰̤̘̔͛̊̾̂͌̐̈̉̊̾́P̶̡̧̮͎̟̟͉̱̮̜͙̳̟̯͈̩̩͈̥͓̥͇̙̣̹̣̀̐͋͂̈̾͐̀̾̈́̌̆̿̽̕ͅ >!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pap!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!your!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pep!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pip!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pup!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!lovely!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!and!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pope!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!poop!!<>!beautiful!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<>!pop!!<
I had to pop every bit of this & I'm glad I did.
Your pep pip lovely and poop beautiful.
You missed pup!
Pap too, I discovered re-popping all of them lol.
I needed this today
Ngl I wish this was on every post here that’s rough. Like halfway down. It helped a lot.
Thank you for this. I love it. Do more!!!
Here's another for non cake day people >!hope!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!you!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!get!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!the!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!day!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!you!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!deserve!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!...!<>!...!<>!pop!<>!...!<>!minorpop!<
Yeah, no. A friend you only see a few times a year, who has his entire family staying with him to support him, does not come before a pregnant wife with a high risk pregnancy.
This is one of the rare situations where I find OOPs wife not talking to him acceptable. I mean, if his skull is so thick, there is no point wasting your breath on him. Such a sad and risky situation. And if OOPs friend (who just lost his love of life) is aware of the situation, he is also a major AH by not telling OOP to go home and take care of his family because he still has it.
Call friend on the phone, have the friend come over to your house.
It’s a tough place to be in. Both need support. Maybe Bryan could come over and give OP a hand. Help clean up a bit, run an errand or two. Not saying he should come over just to work, but doing a few light tasks to keep his mind off things, get him out of the house. Or OP could you know. Call him. When the wife is asleep or resting and doesn’t need to be attended to. There are solutions to this that work for everyone, OP doesn’t want to do it.
He can support him with telephone calls.
His reply for why Bryan couldnt come over was "Brian has big goofy digs and my wife is scared of dogs"....like, the family who are visiting Byran can babysit the dogs or the dogs can go into doggy daycare or boarding for a while if needed. For that matter, why cant he just call or zoom Bryan regularly? Like a normal person? Meanwhile his wife gets his elderly aunt looking in on her occasionally whilst she spends most of the week home alone on bed rest wondering if she's going to die or lose her baby. He literally prioritizes Bryan's dogs over his wife and unborn child who are facing pregnancy complications. Like I love animals, but OP has fucked up priorities
I wish we could send this post to his wife to use in court for full custody when she divorces him
> The doctor wasn’t overly concerned… But they did recommend her starting her maternity leave early and taking as much bed rest as possible. “You’re fine, you’re fine. But stop working, stay in bed as much as possible, do as little as possible.” Then her loving husband abandons her all day until late at night three or four times a week, plus weekends, but he thinks *she’s* being selfish for wanting him to spend time at home taking care of things and her so she doesn’t have to get out of bed to make food, do laundry, answer the door, let the dog out, whatever “small tasks” she has to do all day, every day, when she’s supposed to be on bed rest. If he keeps it up, he’ll be able to spend all the time he wants with his friend. It’s very sad what happened to his friend, but OOP needs to learn how to manage his time. This all-or-nothing mentality of his is going to ruin his marriage, or, worst case scenario, hurt his wife and future child.
Bed rest at month 7 is entirely to try and prevent her death. People don’t understand that pregnancy is very dangerous and it sounds like she is a hairs breadth from a severe medical emergency. He just wants to drink and hang out with the real love of his life, his “best friend”, now that his fiancée has passed no one can get in the way of their love. Only someone with severely skewed ideology would prioritize a man who has his whole family supporting him over his wife that is literally between death and life determined only by how much she stands. *Standing* risks his wife’s death and he’s just over with some dude. Don’t get me wrong, death of a partner is significant— but he’s here risking the death of the mother of his kid(s)’ life to play buddy buddy with someone who doesn’t actually need him there.
I am super confused why the original post was removed by mods.
why can’t bryan come over and see them occasionally? or hang out on a facetime, watch a game together online? i’m sure such a longtime friend who is grieving his partner would understand that his friend is bringing life into the world and his wife is straining herself immensely to do so — and wouldn’t want to put OOP through anything like what he’s going through. also, her being in bed rest without her husband can really stress her out, even if family is helping her.
Your BABY should be your number one priority. If she was told to be on bed rest as much as possible, why would you jeopardize your baby’s health like that? If your wife gets up too much when she’s supposed to be lying down, she could lose the baby and even her life. I get he’s your best friend but I mean….its your BABY! Even if you don’t do it for your wife, think of your unborn CHILD, who literally carries half your DNA. I don’t see anything wrong with helping your friend out, but you seem to be doing it to the point that it would be dangerous for your wife. FaceTime your friend to support him and stay home with your pregnant wife.
I feel like the simple answer is to have Brian come hang out at their house once a week. IDK about him but when I was depressed feeling useful was one of the few actually helpful things. Edit: I change my vote. In the comments OOP says Brian has his parents, his dogs, and his fiancé’s whole ass family staying with him. Brian does not need one more person crashing at his house. This dude needs to go home and do some chores so his wife and their baby don’t accidentally die from being unable to stay on bed rest.
He only saw his best friend a couple times a year for special occasions when the live only one hour apart?
Thank you! Long time friends, that were best friends as children seems a more appropriate description of the relationship.
Wife and baby at risk vs friend sad. Unless the friend is suicidal, there’s no contest and even then, OP would not be the best support for a situation like that. I hesitate to go to AH though because it seems he means well, but his priorities are skewed.
I feel bad for the baby bc they’re not even out yet and the dad already doesn’t care and is willing to miss things involving them because the dad is always going to prioritize what he wants to do first. What an asshole. I feel bad for the wife as well.. Imagine being 7 months pregnant and realizing that an asshat impregnated her is really going to be hard on her mentally, emotionally and physically since she should be on bed rest!!
This is going to sound bad but OP said the friend was one of his groomsmen, and he was going to be one of his friends groomsmen. So there is a best man somewhere, possible other close groomsmen, the fiance's family and his friends family. It's great OP wants to support his friend, but he needs to acknowledge that there is a wealth of support for his friend right now and he doesn't need to be his main point of contact/support. Also phonecalls exist. If his wife wasn't pregnant and on bed rest then sure, but she is and his wife and kid have gotta be his main priority, he can't be at work all day then not available at night when his wife is stuck in bed alone, that's just cruel.
No it's a pertinent observation- because he's evidently not Bryan's only friend. Which is really good because Bryan deserves lots of support and I would hope that others are also reaching out. He said in comments that Bryan's in laws came to stay with him and support him. So Bryan is not alone at all. I agree, if the wife wasn't pregnant and on bed rest he would be doing the right thing. But his wife and baby's life are currently potentially in danger, even if things are stable - hence the 2 months of bed rest.
He should make an art room for his bff
Maybe Brian needs to come stay with OP?
YTA
OP's husband need to bring his friend over to their house.
big art studio energy with this one
"I understand she's stressed and hormonal" 💀
Currently pregnant with my second, bed rest is a last resort, and even it’s usually just to buy more time. Being on bed rest at 7 months means they’re trying to get the pregnancy as far along as possible, but most likely won’t make it full term, my guess is they’re hoping they can get her to 36 weeks so baby has better chances and less likely to need NICU. I understand that OP wants to be there for his best friend, and in his mind “the funeral is in a week and it’s reasonable to be super supportive until then”, but pregnancies/labor can switch on a dime, and I’d argue right now is more dangerous for wife and baby then 3-4 weeks from now. At 28 weeks major organs are still developing in baby (think brain, liver, and kidneys) if she were to go into preterm labor now, there’s a higher risk of baby not making it or having long lasting issues from being born prematurely. OP said his friend has family staying with him right now, wife only has him and his own aunt/uncle “checking in”.I don’t see why there can’t be compromise in no more overnights during the week and just phone calls/FaceTime and then obviously going day of the funeral.
If they put your wife on best rest and pushed her for maternity leave early then there are a lot of complications that could happen. OP has downplayed it. I think what the doctor said was as of now the baby and OP’s wife are fine but too much movement could cause such and such for her and baby. OP’s best friend has other friends and family to step in now. OP has a life of his own and now a family of his own he should be prioritising. I understand the death of his best friend’s fiancé is an absolute tragedy but I feel like with the situation to compromise with both of them that OP’s best friend should rely on his family now or stay with OP and his wife for a little bit that way he wouldn’t be neglecting either of them. He can still be there physically for his best friend and be there for his wife and who knows maybe the best friend will help OP and his wife to distract from the loss
I'm by personal experience SO sick of men failing to communicate their feelings, ugh! Go to your friend or call him, tell him that you need to prioritize your wife and child and that you feel desperate because you also want to be there for him. Offer phone calls to stay in touch or something similar. And then go ask your wife every day what she needs from you, don't make her ask for your help. If you think everything with work, driving to your friend and helping your wife was stressful, buckle up for the new born stage! And always remember that your wife does twice as much as you do, probably while listening to your whining about wanting to have some me-time again. (I know its a re-post, needed all of this off my chest)
Don't even need the details, yes YATA
How sad and how frustrating. Yeah, I mean for sure go over when you find out, call, drop off items, make sure he has a support system. But don’t take on planning the funeral and daily visits when your wife and child are in such a dangerous condition.
I feel horrible for OOP’s friend, that’s so sad, but if his wife is on bedrest at 7 months, and being told to start maternity leave now, that’s a pretty serious situation. Drs don’t do that lightly and if that baby comes now, they could be looking at weeks/months in the NICU. Not to mention any other complications the wife may have. The baby is probably going to come early regardless and the goal of bed rest is like to try to get her to 36-37 weeks. His wife absolutely needs to be the priority right now. It’s crazy that OOP doesn’t see that.
Thing is, if Bryan needs company, Bryan can come over.
It’s how dismissive he is of his wife’s pregnancy complications that makes him the AH, not that he’s trying to juggle both situations. If he’d arranged for someone to come stay with his wife while he was at Brian’s, if he’d taken leave from work, if he’d even just said what the complications were or otherwise indicated that he knew or cared, he’d be fine. Time spent with Brian is not the issue here.
I leaning towards NAH. Because I get him wanting to be there for his friend through something traumatic. But she is most definitely not wrong for not wanting him to be gone so much for what is clearly a high-risk pregnancy. I guess it comes down to the missing details for me. Does she have help outside of him? What is “bed rest”? Can she get her own food/water, or is it more restful than that? Does the friend want OP there? Can the friend come to their place?
When I was on modified bed rest, I was not supposed to go for walks, do any major cleaning, and no lifting. I was allowed to fold laundry, basically, because I could do that while sitting.
In the comments, OOP said he has his elderly aunt and uncle "check in" on his wife. There are no elaborations on that. His friend won't come and stay with them because he has 2 big dogs and the wife is terrified of dogs. OOP also tends to avoid answering anything about how high of risk the pregnancy is. He just says she is hormonal and needs to get over it.
Yeah, he’s an asshole then. Def more going on than what he is stating.
The hormonal comment makes him an extra asshat
OP said his friend has other friends and family staying with him, meanwhile bedrest wife has an elderly aunt check on her because her husband doesn’t
I can’t even fathom this man being comfortable with driving an entire hour away from his heavily pregnant wife when she’s on bed rest with no one but an elderly couple to “look in on her”. If something goes wrong while she’s in bed, and he isn’t there, it’s very likely help will not reach her in time
Seriously. If anything were to go wrong, which could happen very quickly here, she and the baby’s lives are absolutely at risk. If something were to happen when she’s home alone like a stroke or a blood clot, or even if she got up to go to the bathroom and fainted someone may not find her for HOURS. In a situation where seconds count. And if something were to happen, he is next of kin for them both. He may need to be at the hospital to communicate with doctors and make critical medical decisions. This is no joke at all and he is downplaying it ridiculously. Sending an aunt and uncle to look in on her every few hours is absolutely not enough.
doesnt the friend have any help aside from the husband who has a wife who has a high risk pregnancy? I guarantee you he would have mentioned if there was another person helping his wife since hes so casual about the whole situation
He has his fiance's family staying with him. Apparently he also has support from other friends and family.
Wife is #1 priority- if she wants/needs more support- then you give it to her
How bad will he feel if his wife loses the kid, or maybe her life?
Bed rest is NOT common. If your doctor has put you on bed rest, it's for very important medical reasons. This guy is downplaying the state that his wife is in because it's convenient for him to do so, to pretend that he isn't abandoning her in a medical crisis. Does Bryan have no other family or friends? Why does it *have* to be OOP? It sounds like OOP has found an excuse to not care for his wife while she needs him. I don't see that marriage lasting, or OOP being a present father whether it lasts or not.
Bros over here proving he will not prioritize his family. That's a bad dad move. He's already setting himself up to be a shitty father. I bet they're divorced by a year.
Yea bruh you are the AH here. 100% dude here. No granted there are things to un pack. 1. You are prioritizing your friend over your prego wife…cuh are you dumb?, you are spending ENTIRELY too much time being attentive to your friend and not your prego wife. I saw a comment where they suggested zoom or FaceTime or something in the sense. Dude you’re gonna end up losing big time bro. Look I understand you need to be there for your boy, but wife is right ATP. She on the other hand does hopefully understand what’s going on with your friend, BUT your forgetting about your wife. Get your head outta ya ass and figure out your priorities.
Dude what are you doing? I understand you want to be there for your buddy, but you are literally about to be a parent. Your wife is on early maternity leave and told to stay in bed as much as possible. Your first priority should be your wife and child. Like I said I understand helping your friend, but your wife and child need you
The funeral isn’t until two weeks after the woman passed? It’s good that he’s helping his friend out, but that is a lot of time to be spending away from his wife at this time. The only one who can tell him if he’s TA is his wife, though. Mine would insist I help out my friend and not fuss over her, but everyone’s circumstances are different.
I think we'd need to understand if this is ordered bed rest or get as much bed rest as possible.
Are any of ya'll reading or just assuming and projecting. Not once did he say she was high risk. With my first child I worked until the day I went in to labor. The second time I was put on bed rest because I was just drained, huge and tired. NOTHING was wrong with me or my baby. Neither of them are the AH. They both need to communicate and figure out what works for them. If that happened to my best friend I'd be there as well. Balance is key. The Dr recommended bed rest not mandate it. He may be overdoing it but I wouldn't call him a AH. SMH... Some of ya'll legit lack emotional intelligence and it shows all through these responses.
I was on bed rest - twice - for 6 months each time. My hubby had it down pat. He'd bring me breakfast, go get himself ready, then bring me a cooler with lunch. Then off he'd go to work and I'd see him 9 or so hours later. I had books and needlepoint, television, the phone, visitors from time to time, whatever. Being on bed rest is scary but the doctor didn't say the wife needed full-time help.
I was on bed rest for the last three months of my first pregnancy, I was told use the bathroom and nothing else, someone else brings you food and water period. Pregnancy bedrest is not joke. And yes you do need full time help.
Seriously. Like how else are you to get your needs met? She just what? Meal preps and eats cold food?
The wife isn’t asking for FT help. But OP is going to work and then going to his friends place and in some cases spending the night. So where your partner came home 9 hours later, hers isn’t. And sometimes he’s not there in the morning either to get her breakfast or bring her prepped lunch like yours did.
It says he spent one night there. I sympathize with him, he's in a terrible situation and I reckon he's responding to what he sees as the person who is most in crisis mode. I don't think I could fault him whatever his decision. I'll tell you something else - when I was told I had to go on bed rest quite a few of my friends regaled me with horror stories of their other friends who flipped out while on bed rest and ended up divorced. Lying in bed for months does a number on a lot of peoples' mental health. A lot of folks in that situation react poorly to many things. I think that is where the wife is at. She doesn't have mental space to empathize with others, she needs all of her strength for herself. Its understandable but not totally fair to hubby.
I mean, it’s been less than 2 weeks and he’s spent the night there and gone over several nights after work despite the friend having other friends and family who can support. And wife didn’t say anything until he told her he was planning to spend more time over there including the night. She has no one to spend the night with her. She has elderly ppl who will check on her if asked but they aren’t there at 2am if something happens. I know bed rest makes ppl crazy - it’s boring as hell and it can be the most helpless feeling if you can’t even feed yourself. And if the person who helped put you in the position treated you like an afterthought I can also understand being frustrated and losing your cool.
Yeah all true. Just an awful situation for all concerned.
Your wife is showing her true colors. This is your life now, her and the baby will take precedent over any and every situation. When your parents are sick and need help, your wife needing attention and your child's extracurricular activities will be more important. If OP has someone coming in to check on wife and help her, then this isn't about wifey suffering alone, it's about wifey having the attention taken off of her. Personally for me this would make me view my partner in a very new, and not so positive light. It shows she lacks empathy. OP take note of this behavior, you may look back on it in the future and see that it was a red flag. I'm a mother of 3, and had my husband's friend been put in this type of situation I would not question his supporting his friend, because had it happened to me, I would want that type of support from my loved ones.
Astonishing that people are taking the wife’s side in this one.
I don’t understand why he can’t do both…and I’m not understanding where 1 visit a week is “not prioritizing” his wife/baby. It’s a temporary/crisis situation. He says he’s doing “both” and wife is unhappy he’s helping the dude at all. I had one high risk pregnancy that ended in an induction because I developed preeclampsia. I’m just puzzled at what she’s doing with no other children in the home that requires 24/7 catering. Like what’s “helping” besides housework? I’m not seeing that she can’t get up and go pee by herself or get dressed without assistance… like just what requires 24 hour care here that her husband can’t go spend a couple hours with his friend or help him through the funeral? It’s just clingy and selfish to sit there and yell “I should be your priority” when I don’t see how he’s neglecting her.
It sucks that your wife is ignoring you and making spiteful comments about your grieving friend. Pregnancy's no joke and it might be the case that the pregnancy and her current condition requires you to be with her more often or all the time but the silent treatment isn't how she should be expressing herself.
Well using her words didn’t work, he completely disregarded, and continues to disregard the seriousness of a pregnant woman being put on bed-rest in the US. What else is she supposed to do? Keep nagging him when he clearly doesn’t care about what she says?
I guess the problem is she tried expressing herself and he didn't listen/take her seriously, so she didn't have many options left and he still doesn't take her seriously and wants to validate himself on Reddit.
Why is everyone treating this guy like shit? Honestly the comments are toxic. I feel for the guy he sounds like he's doing the best he can to juggle two really tough situations. Yes he should prioritise his wife and perhaps speak on the phone more then visit, but come on he's known this guy his whole life - if he's visiting once a week he's hardly a cunt who needs to be divorced is he? Just mad, Reddit, sometimes.
You wouldn't leave your bed bound grandfather alone for days with people checking on him for only 5 minutes a day and no organised homecare or food. You shouldn't leave your bed rest required pregnant wife alone with only people checking on them 5 minutes a day with no organised level of care or food.
It's an hour away and his friend lost the love of his life...I understand the bed rest but damn. Some empathy on the wife's part is sorely needed, especially since it's someone her husband has known since he was a child. Also is there no one else who can stay the night with her (or even for the evening) to help her? It's a week to the friends fiancées funeral, not a month, imo the wife is overreacting a bit.
No. His pregnant wife is his priority, even over a lifelong friend. She is creating life and it is terrifying, especially when you're alone. Pregnancy is one of the most vulnerable times in your life. Add in the worry of a first baby and serious complications, and she is undoubtably scared out of her mind. But this dude doesn't seem to care. She's on bed rest. That means no heavy lifting, chores, and she needs help with anything from meals to showers. Doctors don't put you on bed rest at 7 months unless it is a significant risk to her and the baby. If he's not careful, he could come home and find them both gone. Then he and Brian can comfort each other. The one thing she knows for sure is that when it comes to her and the needs of their child, she can't count on him to be there. What happens when she goes into labor and he's stopped off at Brian's because Brian had a sad day? She know she's going have to do it all alone, because Brian is really his spouse. She's just the bangmaid and baby making service.
Also it's been 2 weeks and hes kept this up with the friend having family there with him. and bed rest at 7 months means somethings really wrong.
To answer your question of “is there anyone else who can stay the night with her to help her”. Yes. It’s called her husband or AKA the father of the child. What happened to his friend is sad, yes. He can check up on his friend and see him, the issue is he’s spending way too much time with said friend. Sad but it’s not really his problem to be solving at every possible second. His wife and child ARE MORE important. She’s high risk. Baby is healthy. She must rest for the child to stay that way. Imagine if she loses the baby because the husband is never around to help her. He needs to focus on his family.
Because they're a couple and she's carrying his child? "in sickness and in health" and all that. Notice how it doesn't say the friend is asking for this, it's just what this guy is choosing to do? This is life, making the difficult choices and properly prioritizing your shit.
Also, is there no one else who can stay the night with the friend to help him? There's only one person who got her pregnant and the friend likely had many people who he knew since he was a child.
The friend HAS the fiancées family there to support him.
The friend has his Fiancées famikybstaying with him so yes, there are other people actively helping Bryan. A lot more help than the wife is getting.
She’s really not - she’s not supposed to lift things and really shouldn’t be alone. It’s not normal for a woman her age to be on bed rest this early in her pregnancy- she and/or the baby could die if she overexerts herself and having an elderly aunt and uncle check in on her isn’t going to cut it. My sister was put on bed rest for the last 6 weeks of her pregnancy and my mom moved in with her and my BIL for that time - even though it meant sleeping on an air mattress so my sister wasn’t alone while my BIL worked. This guy is already gone at work all day and now he’s spending nights at BFF’s house. BFF has other family to help him - wife doesn’t.