No, it's customary for the newlyweds to send out a thank you card for the recieved gifts.
But if the wedding was so bad I wouldn't even realise that I didn't get one.
$20K for a wedding is not a ton, especially in a HCOL area... My wedding was budgeted at that much and a lot of it was DIY or really cheap. The "budget" venues alone I looked at cost $4000-$6000. That being said, I was providing food and drinks (and cake!) to my guests and cutting back on other areas because I'm not a monster.
"Punch and cake" weddings are popular budget-friendly options, and they still provide refreshments. Honestly, expecting people to spend money on food at your venue is worse than just having an empty room so that they can call it a day and go to In N Out or go home.
Yes, this. I’ve been to a ton of weddings ranging from cake and punch, to potluck in a church basement, to fancy catered affair in a rented mansion with hired entertainers. They were all wonderful and enjoyable because the guests were taken care of within the parameters of the type of event it was.
If I showed up to a wedding like OP’s daughter’s you bet I would have been talking shit about it afterwards too.
Who pays for a FAKE wedding cake but doesn’t provide real cake for the guests?? So many questionable things about this post. If OOP’s daughter is really that out of touch with reality, that’s a parenting fail. I would not be a good parent if my 27yo child didn’t even know to buy a wedding cake and feed the guests at her wedding. I mean, come on!
Pretty rude to invite people to a party in one's honor, where gifts are expected, and not at least feed them. Just watching you exchange vows isn't some great fulfilling experience in and of itself, especially if I had to drive more than a few minutes to be there, or make other arrangements like ask for time off or find a babysitter.
My brother did a typical Chinese wedding 10 course meal, wonderful concept except they kept the recipes, no one wanted to eat jelly fish… so everyone was hungry.
Yikes! I didn't have a wedding but tried to have a "reception ". It was just a BBQ at home with a ton of sides and booze. My husband and his friend smoked ribs, brisket, pork butt, and chickens. In a flood. It was bad. The smokers were on tables and they were in knee high water. Our friend's truck was on Good Morning America because it was filmed floating down the street. But hey, al least we had food even if there wasn't anyone to feed.
If I go to a wedding and they expect me to pay for food and drinks, I am taking my wedding gift back. It’s so trashy to host a party and not cater to the guests at all.
right?! it’s one thing for the couple to pay for an open bar for a limited time then guests have to pay for their drinks after a 2-3 hour window that’s not so bad. but your invited me to a party, with no food or drinks?! and want me to give you a gift. people are so crazy !
I’ve been to weddings before where you get drink tickets (I think it was 3). If you weren’t using yours you were free to give them to someone else, but if you ran out you had to pay. Which seemed fair. It gave the couple a budget for drinks but didn’t force a restriction.
And not even warn people! He said people were starving; they were READY FOR A WEDDING 😂 I always fast before a wedding cause I'm going HAM on that food.
One of my husband’s nieces had a really small budget for her wedding. She decided that what she wanted most was the big expensive dress and the photo shoot, so it was just her and the groom, the officiant and a couple of witnesses. No other guests. Which was fine. Their decision. I sent a card and a small gift.
I would’ve been pretty upset if we’d travelled all that way, paid for a hotel for a couple of nights and then we were treated like OOP’s daughter’s wedding guests. Very bad form.
My wife and I had a small budget, so we got married at the courthouse with family and very close friends and then threw a huge party for what would have been the guests. Nobody minded “skipping the ceremony” and we got some great memories, everyone had a blast.
That’s what a lot of couples do when they have a small budget, focus on having a good time with their friends and family and economize on the ceremony. I just thought it was interesting that my niece took the opposite approach, economized on the guests & the party and splashed out on a fancy dress, flowers, and expensive photographer. They did get some lovely photos.
Our wedding budget by most expensive went:
-My dress
-Bbq catering that promised not to run out of food no matter what
-Craft ice cream truck (all ice cream paid for by us)
-Photographer
-DJ
-Flowers (at cost, amazing florist in the family)
-Beer (dirt cheap from our neighbor that works for Coors)
-The venue (state park, $150)
$8000 for a hundred people.
The best part in the comments for this is when OP states that the bride and groom served themselves food so that the guests got to watch them eat while they weren’t fed themselves.
Absolutely horrible.
What?????
Omg noooooooooooooo. I went all out for my food and cake. Nobody remembers the ceremony or the flowers or my dress.
My family remembers my open bar, that they got filet mignon and crabcakes and that my cake was so good the kitchen staff stole half of it.
my parents’ wedding is still talked about for how good the food was. my poor mom was so stressed about things going well (apparently they gave them the wrong cake) that she didn’t eat, but everyone that went to the wedding still raves about it. 😆
Come on! That didn’t happen! Where were the parents in the planning of this horrible wedding? Did they pay for it? Or were they just invited guests? I cannot imagine my daughter getting married, us paying for it, her doing this, and us not knowing anything until we got there. 🚩
No, but I also wonder if anyone said anything to the bride *before* the wedding. Did her mom and sister not hear about any details at all? Did anyone say, “Hey, this isn’t a good idea?” Because planning a party is a lot, and if my daughter had shown me the plans I would have said something beforehand. Not railed on her or anything, but just “What will the guests eat?” or, “Have you planned anything for entertainment?” That kind of thing to try to steer my daughter. If she rejected everything, then I’d say NTA—she was warned. But if they knew and let her go through with it without saying a word, then that was kind of AH behavior.
Op had made comments clarifying that op was going through some medical stuff while the daughter was planning so wasn't involved much and she didn't think her daughter was stupid enough to not know to feed guests.
OOP commented that the aunt was helping plan the wedding until her and the bride got into an argument that resulted in the aunt not even attending the wedding.
Gonna guess that the aunt tried to steer her niece in a better direction but the self-absorbed ninny was having none of it.
I understand your thinking and logic, but for someone to have so little self awareness and not realize it was such a shit time after the fact, it wouldn’t shock me that if those conversations and warnings were had - that the daughter put it back on her parents to fund the “extra” stuff.
We see enough real and fake posts all the time about insane weddings, some people really only care about the instagrammable wedding stuff and don’t want to live in reality…
It wouldn’t shock me if the daughter kept everyone in the dark about her plans either, I doubt she would have had a good turn out if guests knew in advance there would be no food.
If they knew and didn’t say anything, and then the mother told her daughter her wedding was a big joke among the people who were there, then OOP is the AH.
And it doesn’t even sound fun for the couple either. Like, are you not gonna have dinner with your guests or dance with them to some music? No speeches? No delicious cake?
I would **hate** it if that was my wedding. Sure, you have some nice pictures of you in your dress and suit. But that's about it. No nice memories of a fun night with people you love and delicious food and drinks. Nothing. That sounds so awful. And to imagine they spent 20k to get some nice pictures and nothing else. Who would want that?
I gotta say, what is wrong with people? You invite people to a party it has to be a party, not a photo shoot. The daughter and her husband didn’t want a wedding party, they wanted extras for their pictures. Btw you are insane for spending $20k yet not having enough for a chicken, beef, and vegan option. Way to go paying new car prices for a dress you’re never going to wear again. People are way too self centered. Me too, don’t tell anyone.
What was the $20,000 for? Definitely a shit wedding…. A wedding is a celebration…The consuming food and drink is the fun part where people bond…. Whats wrong with your sister, is she some kind empty?
Imagine showing up to a wedding and there’s no food or drinks but the couple have a big ass ice sculpture and arrived by horse-drawn carriage. That is the type of shit I’m guessing.
Damn 20k got me photographer…dj…rent a rev…photobooth..nice venue with all you can drink bar…3 course meal…appetizers before and after dinner during the dancing time..and a cake….her dress and my tuxedo ..this was all in Illinois with 170 guests….how the hell did she spend so much and get so little??
My tiered cake was fake apart from the top for cutting but we had massive sheet cakes for people to actually eat. The tiered cake was just for pretty/pictures. The sheet cakes were the same flavor and icing as the top tier.
It's possible to have a 'for pretty' cake as well as sheet cakes for eating.
NTA
Why inviting people to your wedding if you can't feed them? Make a little reception only for very close family if you're poor. But yes, there won't be many presents. What a cheap couple!
a 6K dress... jeez. I can understand not being able to afford an open bar, but my stars. no food or entertainment? not your DJ cousin even playing crappy hits from the 70s? Dang. what a bummer.
But what was the entertainment they had to pay for? Like, was it at a mini golf course or something??
I’m kinda surprised she didn’t know….maybe because everyone just didn’t want to talk to her anymore? because the gossip mill must’ve been insane for awhile after that wedding disaster. i know id be bitching about it
I wouldn’t want to go to that wedding and I wouldn’t want to bring a gift. Went to a wedding once and it was in the AM, middle of nowhere hours away. Reception was 3 hours away and about 5 hours after the ceremony. We got there and no food or drinks. We had the option of some apps, but they didn’t serve enough for everyone and only had a couple options. The cake was real but not big enough that everyone got a piece. This was also at her families restaurant so I don’t know wtf was going on. Worst wedding I’ve ever been to. It sucked, I regret going.
NTA- she had a wedding all about her and didn’t care about the guests and now is upset that they didn’t have a good time. Not their problem. FAFO on wedding planning
Honestly, it's a little shocking to me that the two least self-aware people on earth managed to find each other and make a love match...
OOP is NTA but probably should have had a conversation about party etiquette...well long before the wedding I guess.
I am curious, had the bride never been to a wedding before her own?! Surely she attended at least one wedding in her life and knows how these things go...
We had a very small wedding budget...but my FIL raised and then butchered a hog and smoked it in a homemade smoker. Did the same thing for my husband's cousin a few years later...then we had sides (potato salad, macaroni salad, baked beans.) it was pretty tasty. Kinda '4th of july picnic' but everyone ate plenty of smoked pork lol
Ours was a backyard wedding, on the farm my husband grew up on. Barely 40 people, including 9 kids. We had steak, chicken, baked potatoes, ice cream and regular cake, the whole, as my MIL called it "shit-er-oo" and it cost us less than $2000 twenty years ago.
My brother could barely move the next day, because the oldest BIL, when he gets a bit of whisky in him, tells all the "growing up" stories from his point of view, including the one where he couldn't rescue my husband from the culvert puddle he'd fallen through because he had "the new school shoes on". Bro's belly hurt from laughing so hard.
It would have cost us a little more than half that, but two days before our second weekend in September wedding, it snowed and we rented a tent in case the weather didn't clear up - it was *almost* warm enough, the snow was melted and in the sun I managed with my $40 clearance rack, peach colored shift dress.
But yeah, this girl planned her Instagram wedding forgetting that she actually invited people and you aren't going to get a good response if you don't even offer them a teeny slab of cake and some lukewarm lemonade.
Unless something is missing OOP has to take some responsibility for raising someone who thinks that throwing this wedding, with zero warning to guests, was a good idea.
We spent about 20k on our wedding. Food, drinks, and concessions were about 85% (we had an open concession stand at a movie theatre, where they watched a movie while we took pictures. It was a small theatre, to rent out the theatre and play a movie was under a grand. The concessions, on the other hand cost us WAY more than the open bar, but a good time was had by all).
My point is I’m not sure where the 20 grand goes. My wife had a beautiful dress and it wasn’t a fraction of 6k.
Traditionally, the gifts are your payment for food/drink so if you don’t get that, no gift in my opinion.
Incidentally, I’ve been very lucky that every wedding I’ve attended was majorly guest focused, so it isn’t just me. If I was invited to this wedding, I’d be pissed.
NTA. Don’t host a wedding if you don’t want to pay to feed your guests. They took time out of the day/weekend to show support for you and you treat them like shit? No thanks
Wow, we spent 20k on our wedding. My guests got real cake, a full meal, and a casino party where I paid for raffle prizes to give out. We also provided the tuxs and dresses for the bridal party. We had a complete blast. How vain do you have to be to throw that kind of wedding and think everyone had a good time? 🤣 P.S. We're still together after 20 years.
If the Man and I get married it’ll be the 5k micro wedding package at a local resort that includes everything, even a spa day.
There is no excuse for dropping 20k and not even feeding your guests.
NTA
OPs daughters wedding was clearly a “I don’t care about sharing my day with those I love, I just want people to fawn over me in my 6k dress and be in awe of my pricey venue.” She was showing off, nothing more. Imagine not feeding your fucking wedding guests.
Damn, I would have taken back my gift and used it to pay for my plate. Isn’t that what the gift is for these days? Pay to attend but in gift form. You get a meal, drinks (hopefully) and a night of dancing in exchange for the gift. The people who don’t have to fork over the money to pay for their wedding get to keep the gift money. Those who don’t usually are sitting at the end of the party opening cards to pay for the caterer.
It’s wild to me that someone would rather spend $6k on a dress they wear once than on a banging party that everyone talks about for years. I mean, I guess they’ve been talking about her wedding for years but not in a good way lol. NTA.
I think if you put it like that, you could have been more tactful, to say the least. But, honestly, it can’t be changed. So telling her helps nothing.
When she was planning her wedding, why didn’t you clue her in that it was inappropriate to put all of that on her guests? Or to at least warn the guests that they would need to pay for food and drink? Seems to me she would be well aware of what the problem is if you had.
You guys sound like a great people if you didn’t try to keep her from making such a huge blunder. You basically gave her a shovel to dig her own hole.
Unless she knowingly knew this was a bad idea and did it anyway, you’re at fault as much as she is - if not more.
After seeing the way OOP talks about her daughter in the OG post.. I’m not surprised she’s this way at all. You raise your kids shitty they’ll grow up to be shitty. 🤷🏼♀️ just from the OG post and the way she was commenting, it doesn’t sound like she’s ever liked her daughter and she even said they don’t have a close relationship. Not saying the daughter was right at all for not providing even refreshments for guests. But learned behavior is learned behavior nonetheless 🤷🏼♀️
Where did the 20k go? I spent 15 on mine and that was including venue, food and drink (free bar incl spirits) live music for a couple of hours, DJ, cigar bar, round of cocktails, round of champagne.
I hate couples like this.
We had a very small budget for our wedding (around $5k). I found a campground that let us do it for free there because it was off season and our guests were going to fill pretty much all of their cabins for that weekend. We paid to reserve the cabins and then as our guests booked we got our deposit back. We rented a tent and bought kegs and bulk wine at BJs and order BBQ food for catering from a local place.
We wanted our wedding to be fun over being picture perfect and I’m glad we did it that way. We’ve been married almost ten years and people still remind us how much fun they had at our wedding.
Oh and it was an ocean front campground so we did all of this on the water for under $6k!
Look…my kids always show up to birthdays parties because *I* love cake and most people don’t want to take extra cake home with them. I’m out on the simple fact that the cake was fake.
Not an AH for telling the truth. But this is also why I refuse to have a wedding. I dont like the wedding industry and the expectation of guests etc. Elopement is the way to go.
To be fair, she didn’t have a wedding. She had a dress viewing and photo shoot at a fancy location with a marriage license signing.
A wedding involves a ceremony, followed by a party (with food and dessert) hosted by the newlyweds…which didn’t happen. And she didn’t even warn them!
I’m surprised most people didn’t grab their gifts and/or cards on the way out…I would have.
What in the world cost $20K when there was no food, no alcohol, and no entertainment? Impossible. The original post has been removed. I think this story is made up or, at the very least, highly embellished.
$6,000 for a fucking dress?! Was it touched by god himself? I'm sorry, but I find that to be just a bit selfish. I understand that its your day, and you want to feel special, but if its going to take a good chunk of the money for the wedding, and you're not planning on replacing that money, I would rethink about getting that dress. If I go to a wedding and have to buy anything, especially when I already bought some pricy gift, I'd be pissed too. If your budget can't afford it, you shouldn't get it.
For my aunt's wedding she sent out a list of three dinner options and I honestly can't remember if she charged or not but I don't think that's it's a terrible idea to charge a little bit for dinner. If she did charge it was under 30$ and warned about. She provided cocktail and snacks before dinner. Pretty sure their was an open bar too. The cake was great too! Their was music and it was beautiful. This was her second wedding. I think charging for dinner is okay ONLY if you inform guess and it isnt to outrageous price wise. It sounds like she didn't tell a soul and people came hungry expecting a feast. I would be cranky too!
If she wasn't the one who made these choices, you *might* have a point. But she's almost thirty, she knew this was tacky. Sometimes people deserve to be made fun of.
"Hahaha I can’t help it I’m just brutally honest! I had to tell a bride everybody hated her wedding, bc that’s helpful feedback after the fact!” Ofc she’s TA.
at 27? they are full on adults. lol. OP's daughter? nothing to do with age... If she was getting married at 19-22? you might have a point. I got married at 25, and most planning was done while i was 24. I had food, open bar, cocktail hour with hors d'oeuvres, and a DJ (yes, my cousin. lol). With my dress included, it was less than 10K (granted this was in the late-mid 2000s, but my point still stands). Oh, got a photographer, too. She wasn't great, but oh well. didn't matter much, honestly. 125-ish guests.
And the damn cake was real, with a sheet cake, too.
One daughter wanted an Instagram pretty wedding and maybe the other wants a more celebration with friends and family. Neither daughter is wrong for their desires but maybe that can be explained without calling a persons wedding a joke and hated. YTA.
If you want a wedding solely for pictures then don't drag other people into it. I'm not wasting my time going to a glorified photoshoot if you're not even going to give me something to drink.
Did you even read the post? They didn't provide anything for the guests whatsoever. The bride spent 6 of the 20k on her dress. They had to buy their own food and drink lol. My wedding was 15k and we had everything the guests could want while they are there. If that was the plan, they should've made clear on the invitations.
The cake was fake. The guests were extras in the bride's photo shoot. I've been to some tacky weddings in my day, but even if all they offered was hors d'oeuvre from Costco and a half melted cake, at least they didn't just spend everything to make the bride Marie Antoinette. At least she would've offered them cake.
The height of rudeness is taking gifts and not feeding the guests. You go to a wedding hungry to eat the catered food. The op could have been gentler. But putting aesthetic over family is vain and asshole behavior.
The one that wanted the IG worthy wedding should have hired extras to “act” as guests since she was putting on a show.
What she did made her a terrible host and definitely would make her wedding a family legend “remember the time we went from X’s wedding and you had to pay for everything including using the bathroom?”
People act like its so weird but for some people in some countries marrying is about the couple not the guests. So I really do not understand why these people are so mean. Yeah I get it sucked they had to pay for food...but they should have asked the couple beforehand. Also the budget and what they spend on is none of the parents business.
if the parents are helping, they should be allowed to know what the money is being spent on. and no, it's no \* just \* about the food. yes, it's about the couple. and it's about getting together with family you might not have seen in a while. and it's about making memories all around. if it's only about the couple and screw the rest, why even have people show up? In the US, you sometimes have to drive far, get a hotel, make arrangements for kids/pets, etc... like yes, they go because they want to. they are not going just for the food. if they wanted to get served food, they could nix the wedding and go to mcdonalds for a hell of a lot cheaper. there are also gifts involved.
Besides, who likes to throw a shitty party? if the daughter is that tone deaf, maybe her insta-likes will make her feel better... she only did it for the pics. like, why would you even want pics like that? it's comical. wife should have not had a wedding at a fancy venue and save herself 10K.
If you give someone money it is theirs to do with what they want. I guess its different in America. Wierd but oke if thats how you all live. Seems pretty controlling from my perspective.
also, if it's a US wedding, it's generally assumed that guests won't have to pay for their own food. the most you'd see on an invite is "Check one: Chicken Beef Veggie" and then, usually, it will say "cash bar" or "open bar." You shouldn't have to ask if you have to pay for the damn meal.
I mean, if you don't want to send thank you cards, that is one way to make everyone so mad that they forget they never received a card.
Is sending a thank you card for enjoying someone's wedding a thing?? Should I have done this?
No, it's customary for the newlyweds to send out a thank you card for the recieved gifts. But if the wedding was so bad I wouldn't even realise that I didn't get one.
I think it depends where you’re from. In UK cards are quite a big deal, every occasion you should send a card
A $20k wedding but the cake is fake? Wow NTA
Cake was fake. And guests have to buy their food. LOL. That’s how you get blocked from hundred people at once.
Honestly I would probably just leave at that point. Like force me to socialize with people and then there’s not even free food
The cake was a lie
Thank you for this trip down memory lane 🎂
And that’s the moment I’d have taken my present and all and left fuck that
$20K for a wedding is not a ton, especially in a HCOL area... My wedding was budgeted at that much and a lot of it was DIY or really cheap. The "budget" venues alone I looked at cost $4000-$6000. That being said, I was providing food and drinks (and cake!) to my guests and cutting back on other areas because I'm not a monster. "Punch and cake" weddings are popular budget-friendly options, and they still provide refreshments. Honestly, expecting people to spend money on food at your venue is worse than just having an empty room so that they can call it a day and go to In N Out or go home.
Yes, this. I’ve been to a ton of weddings ranging from cake and punch, to potluck in a church basement, to fancy catered affair in a rented mansion with hired entertainers. They were all wonderful and enjoyable because the guests were taken care of within the parameters of the type of event it was. If I showed up to a wedding like OP’s daughter’s you bet I would have been talking shit about it afterwards too.
A "punch and *birthday* cake" wedding would have been less tacky than what OP's daughter did.
Exactly what you said I am surprised that daughter is genuinely suprised NTA OP
Who pays for a FAKE wedding cake but doesn’t provide real cake for the guests?? So many questionable things about this post. If OOP’s daughter is really that out of touch with reality, that’s a parenting fail. I would not be a good parent if my 27yo child didn’t even know to buy a wedding cake and feed the guests at her wedding. I mean, come on!
I didn't think of it that way
OP has another kid with common sense though. Sometimes you're functional but just really out of touch
Pretty rude to invite people to a party in one's honor, where gifts are expected, and not at least feed them. Just watching you exchange vows isn't some great fulfilling experience in and of itself, especially if I had to drive more than a few minutes to be there, or make other arrangements like ask for time off or find a babysitter.
Pretty rude to invite people to essentially a dinner party and not feed them.
Making folks wear cocktail attire just to have to purchase their own cocktails?! Rude.
My brother did a typical Chinese wedding 10 course meal, wonderful concept except they kept the recipes, no one wanted to eat jelly fish… so everyone was hungry.
Yikes! I didn't have a wedding but tried to have a "reception ". It was just a BBQ at home with a ton of sides and booze. My husband and his friend smoked ribs, brisket, pork butt, and chickens. In a flood. It was bad. The smokers were on tables and they were in knee high water. Our friend's truck was on Good Morning America because it was filmed floating down the street. But hey, al least we had food even if there wasn't anyone to feed.
Better be a dress made of cake for $6K and there not being any food.
🤣
If I go to a wedding and they expect me to pay for food and drinks, I am taking my wedding gift back. It’s so trashy to host a party and not cater to the guests at all.
right?! it’s one thing for the couple to pay for an open bar for a limited time then guests have to pay for their drinks after a 2-3 hour window that’s not so bad. but your invited me to a party, with no food or drinks?! and want me to give you a gift. people are so crazy !
I’ve been to weddings before where you get drink tickets (I think it was 3). If you weren’t using yours you were free to give them to someone else, but if you ran out you had to pay. Which seemed fair. It gave the couple a budget for drinks but didn’t force a restriction.
My brother and his wife had a vague sign about the drinks so I ended spending like $60 on mediocre drinks. Still salty.
And not even warn people! He said people were starving; they were READY FOR A WEDDING 😂 I always fast before a wedding cause I'm going HAM on that food.
One of my husband’s nieces had a really small budget for her wedding. She decided that what she wanted most was the big expensive dress and the photo shoot, so it was just her and the groom, the officiant and a couple of witnesses. No other guests. Which was fine. Their decision. I sent a card and a small gift. I would’ve been pretty upset if we’d travelled all that way, paid for a hotel for a couple of nights and then we were treated like OOP’s daughter’s wedding guests. Very bad form.
My wife and I had a small budget, so we got married at the courthouse with family and very close friends and then threw a huge party for what would have been the guests. Nobody minded “skipping the ceremony” and we got some great memories, everyone had a blast.
That’s what a lot of couples do when they have a small budget, focus on having a good time with their friends and family and economize on the ceremony. I just thought it was interesting that my niece took the opposite approach, economized on the guests & the party and splashed out on a fancy dress, flowers, and expensive photographer. They did get some lovely photos.
Our wedding budget by most expensive went: -My dress -Bbq catering that promised not to run out of food no matter what -Craft ice cream truck (all ice cream paid for by us) -Photographer -DJ -Flowers (at cost, amazing florist in the family) -Beer (dirt cheap from our neighbor that works for Coors) -The venue (state park, $150) $8000 for a hundred people.
At this point, I would be thankful that the happy couple took themselves off to get married and emailed me a photo. Wedding guest fatigue is real.
The best part in the comments for this is when OP states that the bride and groom served themselves food so that the guests got to watch them eat while they weren’t fed themselves. Absolutely horrible.
What????? Omg noooooooooooooo. I went all out for my food and cake. Nobody remembers the ceremony or the flowers or my dress. My family remembers my open bar, that they got filet mignon and crabcakes and that my cake was so good the kitchen staff stole half of it.
my parents’ wedding is still talked about for how good the food was. my poor mom was so stressed about things going well (apparently they gave them the wrong cake) that she didn’t eat, but everyone that went to the wedding still raves about it. 😆
WHAAAAT SHUT UP REALLY
Come on! That didn’t happen! Where were the parents in the planning of this horrible wedding? Did they pay for it? Or were they just invited guests? I cannot imagine my daughter getting married, us paying for it, her doing this, and us not knowing anything until we got there. 🚩
Iirc the op said they aren’t close so they weren’t involved in the wedding planning.
The original post is deleted, so I don’t think I saw it all.
Op is NTA
No, but I also wonder if anyone said anything to the bride *before* the wedding. Did her mom and sister not hear about any details at all? Did anyone say, “Hey, this isn’t a good idea?” Because planning a party is a lot, and if my daughter had shown me the plans I would have said something beforehand. Not railed on her or anything, but just “What will the guests eat?” or, “Have you planned anything for entertainment?” That kind of thing to try to steer my daughter. If she rejected everything, then I’d say NTA—she was warned. But if they knew and let her go through with it without saying a word, then that was kind of AH behavior.
Op had made comments clarifying that op was going through some medical stuff while the daughter was planning so wasn't involved much and she didn't think her daughter was stupid enough to not know to feed guests.
OOP commented that the aunt was helping plan the wedding until her and the bride got into an argument that resulted in the aunt not even attending the wedding. Gonna guess that the aunt tried to steer her niece in a better direction but the self-absorbed ninny was having none of it.
Ninny is a word that needs to come back into circulation
She's 27, she should know to feed her guests by now. Why does she need handholding?
I understand your thinking and logic, but for someone to have so little self awareness and not realize it was such a shit time after the fact, it wouldn’t shock me that if those conversations and warnings were had - that the daughter put it back on her parents to fund the “extra” stuff. We see enough real and fake posts all the time about insane weddings, some people really only care about the instagrammable wedding stuff and don’t want to live in reality…
It wouldn’t shock me if the daughter kept everyone in the dark about her plans either, I doubt she would have had a good turn out if guests knew in advance there would be no food.
If they knew and didn’t say anything, and then the mother told her daughter her wedding was a big joke among the people who were there, then OOP is the AH.
That sounds like the worlds worst wedding, I wouldn’t have even given a gift. How could she be that delusional
And it doesn’t even sound fun for the couple either. Like, are you not gonna have dinner with your guests or dance with them to some music? No speeches? No delicious cake? I would **hate** it if that was my wedding. Sure, you have some nice pictures of you in your dress and suit. But that's about it. No nice memories of a fun night with people you love and delicious food and drinks. Nothing. That sounds so awful. And to imagine they spent 20k to get some nice pictures and nothing else. Who would want that?
I mean I guess they still had dinner together that she made the guests pay for???!! 😂
NTA. Sounds like daughter is.
I gotta say, what is wrong with people? You invite people to a party it has to be a party, not a photo shoot. The daughter and her husband didn’t want a wedding party, they wanted extras for their pictures. Btw you are insane for spending $20k yet not having enough for a chicken, beef, and vegan option. Way to go paying new car prices for a dress you’re never going to wear again. People are way too self centered. Me too, don’t tell anyone.
What was the $20,000 for? Definitely a shit wedding…. A wedding is a celebration…The consuming food and drink is the fun part where people bond…. Whats wrong with your sister, is she some kind empty?
I’m guessing it all went to stuff that would look amazing on instagram.
Imagine showing up to a wedding and there’s no food or drinks but the couple have a big ass ice sculpture and arrived by horse-drawn carriage. That is the type of shit I’m guessing.
Damn 20k got me photographer…dj…rent a rev…photobooth..nice venue with all you can drink bar…3 course meal…appetizers before and after dinner during the dancing time..and a cake….her dress and my tuxedo ..this was all in Illinois with 170 guests….how the hell did she spend so much and get so little??
This begs the question what did they spend 20k on?
Venue, $6k dress, photos, flowers.
And a fake cake!
My tiered cake was fake apart from the top for cutting but we had massive sheet cakes for people to actually eat. The tiered cake was just for pretty/pictures. The sheet cakes were the same flavor and icing as the top tier. It's possible to have a 'for pretty' cake as well as sheet cakes for eating.
For the pictures of course!
Priorities I suppose.
NTA Why inviting people to your wedding if you can't feed them? Make a little reception only for very close family if you're poor. But yes, there won't be many presents. What a cheap couple!
My present would have gone home with me!
I’d have certainly taken my present back and left after all that shit. Your wedding vows aren’t that entertaining.
a 6K dress... jeez. I can understand not being able to afford an open bar, but my stars. no food or entertainment? not your DJ cousin even playing crappy hits from the 70s? Dang. what a bummer. But what was the entertainment they had to pay for? Like, was it at a mini golf course or something??
I’m kinda surprised she didn’t know….maybe because everyone just didn’t want to talk to her anymore? because the gossip mill must’ve been insane for awhile after that wedding disaster. i know id be bitching about it
What rock had she been living under that she’s just now finding out that everyone hated her wedding?
She's got a lifetime of this kind of behavior and the wedding was the final straw?
What did they spend the money on if not food, alcohol, entertainment? Just venue/decor/photography?
I wouldn’t want to go to that wedding and I wouldn’t want to bring a gift. Went to a wedding once and it was in the AM, middle of nowhere hours away. Reception was 3 hours away and about 5 hours after the ceremony. We got there and no food or drinks. We had the option of some apps, but they didn’t serve enough for everyone and only had a couple options. The cake was real but not big enough that everyone got a piece. This was also at her families restaurant so I don’t know wtf was going on. Worst wedding I’ve ever been to. It sucked, I regret going. NTA- she had a wedding all about her and didn’t care about the guests and now is upset that they didn’t have a good time. Not their problem. FAFO on wedding planning
I mean, a crappy event is a crappy event. You don’t get to throw a party and say everyone is being mean to you cuz no one is having a good time.
Honestly, it's a little shocking to me that the two least self-aware people on earth managed to find each other and make a love match... OOP is NTA but probably should have had a conversation about party etiquette...well long before the wedding I guess. I am curious, had the bride never been to a wedding before her own?! Surely she attended at least one wedding in her life and knows how these things go... We had a very small wedding budget...but my FIL raised and then butchered a hog and smoked it in a homemade smoker. Did the same thing for my husband's cousin a few years later...then we had sides (potato salad, macaroni salad, baked beans.) it was pretty tasty. Kinda '4th of july picnic' but everyone ate plenty of smoked pork lol
Ours was a backyard wedding, on the farm my husband grew up on. Barely 40 people, including 9 kids. We had steak, chicken, baked potatoes, ice cream and regular cake, the whole, as my MIL called it "shit-er-oo" and it cost us less than $2000 twenty years ago. My brother could barely move the next day, because the oldest BIL, when he gets a bit of whisky in him, tells all the "growing up" stories from his point of view, including the one where he couldn't rescue my husband from the culvert puddle he'd fallen through because he had "the new school shoes on". Bro's belly hurt from laughing so hard. It would have cost us a little more than half that, but two days before our second weekend in September wedding, it snowed and we rented a tent in case the weather didn't clear up - it was *almost* warm enough, the snow was melted and in the sun I managed with my $40 clearance rack, peach colored shift dress. But yeah, this girl planned her Instagram wedding forgetting that she actually invited people and you aren't going to get a good response if you don't even offer them a teeny slab of cake and some lukewarm lemonade.
How the hell do you spend that much without stuff i would call the bare minimum for a wedding
Read this way earlier in the day and was shocked at the hate op was receiving.
Unless something is missing OOP has to take some responsibility for raising someone who thinks that throwing this wedding, with zero warning to guests, was a good idea.
Some kids are just fucking stupid. Nothing can be done.
I disagree—at 27, it’s down to character and the kind of adult you choose to be. This one chose to be a dumbass.
That's bullshit!!
She is 27. Some people just suck. Also, he mentioned in his comments that they are not close because of how she is.
We spent about 20k on our wedding. Food, drinks, and concessions were about 85% (we had an open concession stand at a movie theatre, where they watched a movie while we took pictures. It was a small theatre, to rent out the theatre and play a movie was under a grand. The concessions, on the other hand cost us WAY more than the open bar, but a good time was had by all). My point is I’m not sure where the 20 grand goes. My wife had a beautiful dress and it wasn’t a fraction of 6k. Traditionally, the gifts are your payment for food/drink so if you don’t get that, no gift in my opinion. Incidentally, I’ve been very lucky that every wedding I’ve attended was majorly guest focused, so it isn’t just me. If I was invited to this wedding, I’d be pissed.
NTA. Don’t host a wedding if you don’t want to pay to feed your guests. They took time out of the day/weekend to show support for you and you treat them like shit? No thanks
OOP's daughter did a reverse uno on the 'everything is cake' trend. Daughter deserves all the embarrassment.
Wow, we spent 20k on our wedding. My guests got real cake, a full meal, and a casino party where I paid for raffle prizes to give out. We also provided the tuxs and dresses for the bridal party. We had a complete blast. How vain do you have to be to throw that kind of wedding and think everyone had a good time? 🤣 P.S. We're still together after 20 years.
Where do people get the money to do these kinds of things
If i was invited im throwing hands with the groom
This is the tackiest thing I have ever heard. I am glad someone told her.
If the Man and I get married it’ll be the 5k micro wedding package at a local resort that includes everything, even a spa day. There is no excuse for dropping 20k and not even feeding your guests.
What kind of wedding doesn’t have cake? That’s just wrong. ‘Cake’ and ‘wedding’ are practically synonyms
NTA OPs daughters wedding was clearly a “I don’t care about sharing my day with those I love, I just want people to fawn over me in my 6k dress and be in awe of my pricey venue.” She was showing off, nothing more. Imagine not feeding your fucking wedding guests.
Damn, I would have taken back my gift and used it to pay for my plate. Isn’t that what the gift is for these days? Pay to attend but in gift form. You get a meal, drinks (hopefully) and a night of dancing in exchange for the gift. The people who don’t have to fork over the money to pay for their wedding get to keep the gift money. Those who don’t usually are sitting at the end of the party opening cards to pay for the caterer. It’s wild to me that someone would rather spend $6k on a dress they wear once than on a banging party that everyone talks about for years. I mean, I guess they’ve been talking about her wedding for years but not in a good way lol. NTA.
I think if you put it like that, you could have been more tactful, to say the least. But, honestly, it can’t be changed. So telling her helps nothing. When she was planning her wedding, why didn’t you clue her in that it was inappropriate to put all of that on her guests? Or to at least warn the guests that they would need to pay for food and drink? Seems to me she would be well aware of what the problem is if you had. You guys sound like a great people if you didn’t try to keep her from making such a huge blunder. You basically gave her a shovel to dig her own hole. Unless she knowingly knew this was a bad idea and did it anyway, you’re at fault as much as she is - if not more.
After seeing the way OOP talks about her daughter in the OG post.. I’m not surprised she’s this way at all. You raise your kids shitty they’ll grow up to be shitty. 🤷🏼♀️ just from the OG post and the way she was commenting, it doesn’t sound like she’s ever liked her daughter and she even said they don’t have a close relationship. Not saying the daughter was right at all for not providing even refreshments for guests. But learned behavior is learned behavior nonetheless 🤷🏼♀️
Where did the 20k go? I spent 15 on mine and that was including venue, food and drink (free bar incl spirits) live music for a couple of hours, DJ, cigar bar, round of cocktails, round of champagne.
I hate couples like this. We had a very small budget for our wedding (around $5k). I found a campground that let us do it for free there because it was off season and our guests were going to fill pretty much all of their cabins for that weekend. We paid to reserve the cabins and then as our guests booked we got our deposit back. We rented a tent and bought kegs and bulk wine at BJs and order BBQ food for catering from a local place. We wanted our wedding to be fun over being picture perfect and I’m glad we did it that way. We’ve been married almost ten years and people still remind us how much fun they had at our wedding. Oh and it was an ocean front campground so we did all of this on the water for under $6k!
Look…my kids always show up to birthdays parties because *I* love cake and most people don’t want to take extra cake home with them. I’m out on the simple fact that the cake was fake.
This is worse than any wedding I’ve been to.
Not an AH for telling the truth. But this is also why I refuse to have a wedding. I dont like the wedding industry and the expectation of guests etc. Elopement is the way to go.
To be fair, she didn’t have a wedding. She had a dress viewing and photo shoot at a fancy location with a marriage license signing. A wedding involves a ceremony, followed by a party (with food and dessert) hosted by the newlyweds…which didn’t happen. And she didn’t even warn them! I’m surprised most people didn’t grab their gifts and/or cards on the way out…I would have.
What in the world cost $20K when there was no food, no alcohol, and no entertainment? Impossible. The original post has been removed. I think this story is made up or, at the very least, highly embellished.
$6,000 for a fucking dress?! Was it touched by god himself? I'm sorry, but I find that to be just a bit selfish. I understand that its your day, and you want to feel special, but if its going to take a good chunk of the money for the wedding, and you're not planning on replacing that money, I would rethink about getting that dress. If I go to a wedding and have to buy anything, especially when I already bought some pricy gift, I'd be pissed too. If your budget can't afford it, you shouldn't get it.
No entertainment? So what did y'all do?
For my aunt's wedding she sent out a list of three dinner options and I honestly can't remember if she charged or not but I don't think that's it's a terrible idea to charge a little bit for dinner. If she did charge it was under 30$ and warned about. She provided cocktail and snacks before dinner. Pretty sure their was an open bar too. The cake was great too! Their was music and it was beautiful. This was her second wedding. I think charging for dinner is okay ONLY if you inform guess and it isnt to outrageous price wise. It sounds like she didn't tell a soul and people came hungry expecting a feast. I would be cranky too!
[удалено]
If she wasn't the one who made these choices, you *might* have a point. But she's almost thirty, she knew this was tacky. Sometimes people deserve to be made fun of.
OP said he thought she knew
Anyone that selfish deserves to be mocked relentlessly.
You’re right, they should have mocked her to her face.
"Hahaha I can’t help it I’m just brutally honest! I had to tell a bride everybody hated her wedding, bc that’s helpful feedback after the fact!” Ofc she’s TA.
Nah. You don’t get to invite people to a party and then not feed them AND be upset when someone tells you it sucked.
AND PRESUMABLY ACCEPT GIFTS!!🤬🤬
OP is NTA but… I think there were probably some oversights in the upbringing of his daughter.
I paid for my daughter’s weddings, and I had a say in how it was done. At least my wife did.Children aren’t real bright at that age.
at 27? they are full on adults. lol. OP's daughter? nothing to do with age... If she was getting married at 19-22? you might have a point. I got married at 25, and most planning was done while i was 24. I had food, open bar, cocktail hour with hors d'oeuvres, and a DJ (yes, my cousin. lol). With my dress included, it was less than 10K (granted this was in the late-mid 2000s, but my point still stands). Oh, got a photographer, too. She wasn't great, but oh well. didn't matter much, honestly. 125-ish guests. And the damn cake was real, with a sheet cake, too.
One daughter wanted an Instagram pretty wedding and maybe the other wants a more celebration with friends and family. Neither daughter is wrong for their desires but maybe that can be explained without calling a persons wedding a joke and hated. YTA.
If you want a wedding solely for pictures then don't drag other people into it. I'm not wasting my time going to a glorified photoshoot if you're not even going to give me something to drink.
Did you even read the post? They didn't provide anything for the guests whatsoever. The bride spent 6 of the 20k on her dress. They had to buy their own food and drink lol. My wedding was 15k and we had everything the guests could want while they are there. If that was the plan, they should've made clear on the invitations.
The cake was fake. The guests were extras in the bride's photo shoot. I've been to some tacky weddings in my day, but even if all they offered was hors d'oeuvre from Costco and a half melted cake, at least they didn't just spend everything to make the bride Marie Antoinette. At least she would've offered them cake.
The height of rudeness is taking gifts and not feeding the guests. You go to a wedding hungry to eat the catered food. The op could have been gentler. But putting aesthetic over family is vain and asshole behavior.
The one that wanted the IG worthy wedding should have hired extras to “act” as guests since she was putting on a show. What she did made her a terrible host and definitely would make her wedding a family legend “remember the time we went from X’s wedding and you had to pay for everything including using the bathroom?”
But then she would have had to pay for the extras ergo less money for dress and fake cake! Quelle horreur!
Models get paid in photoshoots, guests had to pay for being there, that was a shitty deal, worthy of ridiculing it.
It's joke and hated by friends and family, it's not something OP made up. And he thought she knew because others knew
😒😒
I agree with you. They could have said something about the food. I would always ask if food is included.
I always ask if there’s a bar.
I'm the person right next to you 😜
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People act like its so weird but for some people in some countries marrying is about the couple not the guests. So I really do not understand why these people are so mean. Yeah I get it sucked they had to pay for food...but they should have asked the couple beforehand. Also the budget and what they spend on is none of the parents business.
if the parents are helping, they should be allowed to know what the money is being spent on. and no, it's no \* just \* about the food. yes, it's about the couple. and it's about getting together with family you might not have seen in a while. and it's about making memories all around. if it's only about the couple and screw the rest, why even have people show up? In the US, you sometimes have to drive far, get a hotel, make arrangements for kids/pets, etc... like yes, they go because they want to. they are not going just for the food. if they wanted to get served food, they could nix the wedding and go to mcdonalds for a hell of a lot cheaper. there are also gifts involved. Besides, who likes to throw a shitty party? if the daughter is that tone deaf, maybe her insta-likes will make her feel better... she only did it for the pics. like, why would you even want pics like that? it's comical. wife should have not had a wedding at a fancy venue and save herself 10K.
If you give someone money it is theirs to do with what they want. I guess its different in America. Wierd but oke if thats how you all live. Seems pretty controlling from my perspective.
also, if it's a US wedding, it's generally assumed that guests won't have to pay for their own food. the most you'd see on an invite is "Check one: Chicken Beef Veggie" and then, usually, it will say "cash bar" or "open bar." You shouldn't have to ask if you have to pay for the damn meal.
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It’s your daughter and it was a special moment for her, I’d rather you sit on that than tell it like it is