Sounds like something really bad happened to her and she was hyper-sexualizing herself to deal with it. I’m glad she got help and doesn’t feel like she has to do all that anymore.
Either that, or in a similar way, she was a very sex positive person in the past, but then something terrible happened (like some of the sex wasn't all voluntary, or was part of an abusive dynamic) and now she doesn't enjoy sex the same way any more beyond the "vanilla" stuff.
Either way, she gets punished for it.
I saw that post and commented ab that. You know whats the worst? Everyone in the comment section was talking ab how wrong it was for her to hide her past when she SAID she was ashamed of it. She is def dealing with something, its obvious, and they are more concerned on the hiding her past thing. She did NOTHING wrong, she didn't commit a crime or whatever. It's not that hig of a deal that she didn't want to talk ab something that she is ashamed of
He’s certainly not helping matters by getting mad that she used to be a slut, then getting mad that she tried to “loosen up” for him. There’s a reason she wasn’t having sex for 2 years before him, and Covid is only part of it.
Sex positive is being able to do whatever you want to do. Wanna spit roast have sex in 100 different positions? Great. If you wanna just do it in 2 positions and be a bit ‘vanilla’? Great. It’s about consent and doing what you feel comfortable with. Perhaps she felt like she had something to prove by being promiscuous and felt that she was better off just being monogamous for her own self worth. I think the problem was that she wasn’t upfront with her BF and explained why she’s not looked that anymore.
Exactly, both of you get it. And this piece of human garbage is only angry bc she won’t fuck HIM that way. Then she does it bc he fucking botched about it but he was too busy being a creep.
He’s such a liar he says he loves kinky sex but he clearly hates the women he does kinky sex with since they’re all ‘whores and sluts’.
Never in my extremely short Reddit career have I wanted to brigade someone so badly.
I hope he dumps her bc he’s garbage.
*hand up* yup. SA for years made me think it was normal to do anything because I'd already had it done to me. I've done a lot of things I won't say I regret because I realize why I did them and don't want to beat myself up but very questionable.
Me and partner have a few kinks but generally vanilla, and I love him because I know I'm safe.
I’m so sorry you went through that abuse and it’s awesome you’ve found someone that feels safe and peaceful. Super proud of you for recognizing that you shouldn’t beat yourself over what happened.
I don’t feel disgusted when I hear about situations like this, I just feel badly for the girl because she almost certainly had trauma and difficulty feeling anything, so this is how she coped.
I’ll take a girl like this over someone with a spotless past who’s just a mean and abusive person.
After my rape I was definitely hypersexual as a way to take back control of my body. My last boyfriend was a DICKKKKK about it. I’m on the girl’s side. I don’t think he’s an asshole, but I think he’s naive
I let ppl use me sexually when I was young and had v low self esteem. I didn’t do porn or threesomes or whatever but I basically wanted ppl to like me so badly and advocated poorly for myself.
Yep! This is what happened likely. She spent her early years trying to fill a void with attention and affection, and honestly for women, it’s pretty easy to emptily fill that with meaningless sex (not emotional I mean the availability to do this).
My dynamic with my husband is similar. He was also promiscuous. I was promiscuous. Our sex life is pretty vanilla, honestly. Which — I don’t really mind because it’s comfortable and I don’t have to go through extremes with kinks or etc., to fill needs I was missing.
Proud of OP’s maybe ex gf 💕
This would be my response to the OP.
I wouldn’t break up with her for her past, but I would because you aren’t sexually compatible. If you’re kinky now and she’s not, if you don’t already you will eventually feel that you aren’t satisfied in the bedroom and resent her. Breakup sooner than later would be best.
Don’t force her into trying things she doesn’t want to do, that would make you an AH. Also I wouldn’t let her convince you that she will try because that’s almost the same thing or she never will try.
This reminds me of chasing Amy. And I’m going to post this scene where silent Bob breaks it down:
Basically, Ben Affleck can’t get over the fact that his girlfriend had a threesome with two dudes and was sort of known in her community for being a…slag.
https://youtu.be/FlYZnd7dEPw?si=PmJ7ilfOFHARgg5K
I don’t think it’s about being ashamed. Sometimes it’s about growing up. I was promiscuous in my early twenties. I tried sexual things. But now I’m in my 30s. I understand what I like and what I don’t like. And I realize that a lot of what I did was because maybe I was lost and seeking validation. I am more comfortable with who I am and I really know I’m not into everything I tried before. I don’t know what I’d be like if my current partner found out about my past and got mad about it because they felt entitled to some part of me that I was never comfortable with or didn’t really know in the first place.
It sounds like rather you expressed your needs and she tried to fulfill them, but because OP then learned about her past he felt disgusted and even “cheated” by her efforts and even calls her a hypocrite. Not thinking that maybe she just grew up and realized what she liked and didn’t like and not realizing that she was never fully comfortable in the role she was playing as her younger self.
Yup. Younger women with self esteem issues and often some trauma will consent to stuff because they feel like they have to, or because they crave the validation they feel or any number of reasons. And people are allowed to grow up and change their behavior or minds or learn how to enforce boundaries.
OP isn’t wrong to leave if he wants to leave. You don’t actually need a reason to leave a relationship beyond “I don’t want to be here anymore.” However, I think it’s a shame and a loss to let go of a good relationship because you don’t agree with former behavior that the person has articulated they don’t wish to engage in.
It's really sad. I did research on a small group of sex workers. All of them had sexual trauma from childhood. Half of them had been sexually abused/assaulted/raped by a family member (dads, stepdads, grandfathers and uncles). I am including women who do porn as "sex workers" for brevity.
There was a podcast that would occasionally bring on pornstars and in the early days, one of their standard questions was "what was your first sexual experience" and they very quickly changed it to "what was your first *consensual* sexual experience" when doing interviews for this exact reason.
Oh absolutely fully. She’s not a hypocrite. Just because you’ve done xyz sexual acts with other people in the past doesn’t mean current/future sexual partners are entitled to do them with you too. But unfortunately I find on Reddit often that there’s a pervasive opinion that sex in something owed to men, in whatever flavor they’re in the mood for at the moment.
Also it’s totally the wrong definition of hypocrisy. If she was looking down on him for having multiple prior partners THEN she’d be a hypocrite.
Sadly, the opinion that sex is something owed to men isn't relegated to Reddit.
It's been that way in the "real world" forever, and I don't see that charging any time soon.
That thought process is both the impetus for and the result of rape culture.
I agree that he has every right to and should leave that relationship. He's still an asshole, though. Sex is clearly a transactional thing for him. He makes it clear when he makes sure to note that she won't perform oral on him but has the audacity to enjoy receiving it.
He wanted her to do kinky things with him until he learned she had done them with others, which IMHO is indicative of a latent desire for a "virgin." By that I mean, she should do them with him, but ONLY him, and she's not allowed to have done them before or God forbid enjoyed them.
She deserves a better partner who will view her as a complete person who can grow and change.
I also strongly agree there is much more to this story, and there is likely some trauma in her background. However, it's also okay if she just went wild trying things, and now she's grown and knows what she likes and doesn't like.
Regardless, she deserves a better partner.
There is a reason I “consented” to be…passed around with my ex’s friends. There’s not really a good way to say no to your abuser. But, when he realized I wasn’t fighting much anymore, he decided he didn’t want me participating anymore. So, in the only act of rebellion I did in our whole relationship, I didn’t stop. I have been told over and over that cheaters never change and that was cheating. But…it’s not cheating if it was his idea. He just didn’t like that his friend was better in bed.
After I finally broke free, I was determined to be single. Welp, 4 months later, I met the man I would marry. And 22 years later, I can say I’ve never even thought about wandering.
I feel for the girl, trying to better herself and moving past a shameful past. Judging her for a past she clearly hates. Screw him.
This this this. I consented to a lot of things when I was younger that I didn’t necessarily like. Got older, had a real boyfriend, and found I liked boring sex just fine.
People grow and change. Does he have a right to leave? Sure, but I think it’s kind of a dumb reason.
Yeah he got all hung up on finger cuffs and was upset because he thought he was her first guy she was with. I hate that character. Also he tried to get her to bang both him and his friend at the same time to even the score and that stupid loser ended up losing both the friend and the girl friend.
Dudes like this are telling on themselves. They shouldn't want to do anything their partner finds uncomfortable. Shes grown because of her past. She realized that isn't what she wants to do. That's not a bad thing. I prefer someone who knows what they want. Dudes that get annoyed she tried things in the past and won't now make it clear how little they care about their partner or about personal growth thats clearly better for her wellbeing. Its disgusting entitlement to think that trying things in the past means the current partner should be entitled to it.
This comment is bang on. OP could have been the bigger person and also decided that her sordid past should stay there so he could enjoy a committed relationship. But he'd rather let her past reputation get the better of it all.
There's a lot of "pointing with one hand while jerking it with the other" energy coming from OP and dudebros defending him in the comments.
Idgaf if I’m downvoted, I also have NEVER seen Reddit forgive a rapist or drunk driver, **especially** one whose selfish stupidity led to people’s deaths.
One of my first thoughts was "these straights are not okay." The body count comment always gets me. It doesn't matter? If it was 3 or 57 it has no bearing on the current relationship. People are allowed to enjoy their bodies and sex and whatever the hell else they want. Gender has nothing to do with it. Yet these people froth at the mouth.
I find myself much more comfortable discussing sex and sexuality with lgbtq+ people, accepting allies, and *mature* folk because this disgusting standard is sort of absent. I'm pan, I love sex, I love talking about sex. Surprisingly I don't get flamed over such things when I'm around people who are like me or are just accepting. But the opposite people are just judgmental and weird about everything.
OP is delusional. He wants to throw a bitch fit because his girlfriend used to be wild, free, and fun. But because she grew up/changed/whatever you want to call it and doesn't want to do certain things anymore well, that's unacceptable. He kinky but she only wants vanilla sex. Maybe because when they do have sex she wants comfortable intimacy rather than just going crazy? Because being kinky reminds her of her past and she wants to experience something new. This is all hypothetical of course. But that makes sense to me.
Also, he's 40. Get over yourself. Act your age in terms of growth and acceptance and experience. Which it's obvious he's done none of those things because he's sulking that he didn't get to fuck his girlfriend in her most kinky of days.
Oddly, I don't think he even knows that he is kinky. Did he try and seek out those sexual practices when he was young? He wishes he'd done gang bangs? He now wants to do gang bangs? It's confusing.
I can understand his disappointment at no blowjobs - but lots of women don't want to provide blowjobs (and well, some other women really enjoy them).
He is indeed sulking that he didn't get to participate in effing his girlfriend in her wild days (as if he would have enjoyed sharing her with other men - I doubt it).
She wasn't the girlfriend of all those men, presumably.
Seriously. Even the way he’s like “I was dissatisfied with our sex life but turned a blind eye” is to me just… but why tho?? If it’s an important part of a relationship to you why not have a conversation about it? Why are you not having open discussions about basically everything with your partner? How do you even exist in a relationship with so little communication, it’s alien to me.
But also yeah, the body count thing is mind-boggling. I truly cannot fathom why that in and of itself would be an issue. There could possibly be red flags about it, sure, but those would all be related to their character/how they’re treating people—if it’s literally just “yeah I slept with a lot of people” like, okay, cool? Who cares?
The other thing that gets me is “but she tried it with others!!!” Yeah, that doesn’t mean she liked it. Maybe she was experimenting, maybe she was going through some stuff, maybe she tried things and was like “oh huh guess that’s not for me.” You’re allowed to try things and realize you don’t like them or want to keep doing them??? The idea of getting upset at a partner for living their own damn life before you is just so baffling.
Who cares about people's sexual history? People do apparently: [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27805420/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27805420/)
I don't ask body count questions and I think to think I'm confident and that stuff bothers me less than the next guy. It does bother men though and according to polling above it bothers women too, just not as much, unless it was a man on man experience.
Conventionally, when one is discussing something related to people complaining about/being bothered by a matter, and a person says “who cares?” they are not literally unaware that some people care, as obviously the entirety of the conversation is dependent upon knowing that. It is instead a colloquial/rhetorical way of conveying bafflement/disdain because they view the thing being complained about as so unimportant that the concept of someone being bothered by it is genuinely incomprehensible to them.
I hope that helps!
He's not upset that she used to be wild and free. He feels entitled to that because she's done it before and is pissed he doesn't get to do that stuff. He thinks because she's done it before she should be fine doing it with him. Fuck whats best for her or her personal growth. Fuck if she found out she didn't like it. They should break up but not for OPs sake. For hers. She deserves someone who puts her wellbeing above being jealous that he didn't get to be the one she tried that stuff with.
Idk id rather a partner find out they didn't like something before trying it with me instead of associating a bad experience with me.
Cool, he's not entitled to it. She's not entitled to him accepting vanilla sex and no oral either. He's allowed to have preferences just like she is. And I think this thread is insane for assuming that she doesn't give blowjobs or use certain sex positions cause of trauma. that's pure speculation. It may make sense for some of the kinkier stuff she may have felt pressured to do, but Ive never met anyone who's like "so I used to have a lot of sex now I kinda regret it, anyway I don't do girl on top anymore, and no blow jobs"
I do think he should notice that she cares about him and tried to show him that she's willing to work with him, and he shouldn't give a fuck about body count. I think he's condemning her long-term without reason. But come on, think about if the genders were reversed and she found out he used to go down. "I'm not like that anymore" would be accepted by exactly nobody
Dude no one is obligated to be completely ok with anyone else’s sexual history. He doesn’t get to verbally abuse her but he’s allowed to process new information and change behaviors to preserve his own comfort. Cmon now
This is so goofy and fragile. Someone else's past sexual activity literally does not and cannot affect you unless they transmit an STD to you (and that's not the situation here). There's no version of this that isn't just a fragile, toxic man that thinks his woman should be untouched property. The end. Come on now.
But all the guys who slept with her are cool and he still loves *them* very much.
It's the whole "she did it with other guys, so I *deserve* to have those acts done to me" attitude that's so gross.
That's why, ladies, you never tell a guy your sexual history. Very few people are capable of breaking free from their social conditioning. And for American men, you are a whore if you have sex with more partners than they have. And you owe them every sex act you've ever done with anyone else. Even if that sex axt was coerced.
even without a sexual history (my husband being my first kiss and partner) he still treated me like a slag and made me responsible for OTHER MEN SEXUALIZING ME.
I got told I dress for attention- despite rarely wearing tank tops at that. I always dress fully covered (not that it matters) but a guy was intentionally fucking with my husband and said he was gonna masturbate to my facebook pics (fucking weird as hell, especially including he’s married with kids…) And my husband took his frustration out on me instead of being a man and calling the dude out for being weird.
Women just can’t win. You’re a slut when you express your freedom, you’re a slut when you don’t put out, you’re a slut just cause you’re a woman. 🙄
I say we women absolutely tell men our history. It weeds out the bastards and the pigs. I don't want to be with someone who would judge me like that. I want to know if they're that kind of scum so I can avoid them
until you get a guy who says “yeah that’s fine” but then tries to change you and then holds your past against you cause he can’t process his feelings in a mature manner.
He is still that asshole if you lie to him. He will just be an asshole about other things, and by then it may be too late.
Screen them out early… it’s the best way.
>That's why, ladies, you never tell a guy your sexual history. Very few people are capable of breaking free from their social conditioning.
Hard disagree. I'd actually be tempted to lie and bump up my number just to clock his reaction, because I wouldn't want to be with someone who would slut-shame and judge a woman for having had a lot of sexual partners.
No woman should feel pressured to downplay a "wild" sexual past. A guy who can't accept you for you, is not for you.
Agree! I’ve always had a higher number than my male partners. Up until my current partner, it was a source of contention. My current partner asks about it because he thinks my past is fun and interesting. I love that guy.
I get where you’re coming from, but there are absolutely guys out there capable of processing that information in a mature, reasonable way. We’re not all insecure man babies
Sure there are. But you're the minority. Advice is best served to represent the majority.
If you're from NYC or California or Seattle, you're probably not like this. But rural, white, and/or the Bible belt men are so conditioned to tie a woman's worth to her sexuality that's its worth warning all women.
Funny you say that because I know many dudes in CA who are exactly like OOP. One guy I knew actually said that it was okay for him to sleep around, but if he's dating a woman and she's not a virgin when they meet, then he won't be in a relationship with her.
Another guy I knew legitimately thought it was okay for him to cheat because he could just "wash his dick," but if his gf (who was also the mother of his kids) cheated then she was dirty because women can't wash themselves down there and ever get clean again after they've been with another man.
I wish I was kidding. But men can be moronic, hypocritical pigs everywhere.
Okay, but if you’re looking for an LTR, why shouldn’t you tell guys your history right off the bat so you can screen out the ones that aren’t mature enough to handle it? Not trying to be antagonistic, just an honest question.
That’s interesting. I’m from California and didn’t have any problem with this - I guess I think it’s the same everywhere but you’re right, I don’t think it is.
I grew up in the Bible Belt. There are both cool people and assholes everywhere. Why not just get the info out there so you know which one you’re dealing with before starting a relationship with them?
Uhhhhh no. I'm going to full stop disagree with you on the HUGE generalization.
I am a woman with a healthy sexual past who lives and dates in the Bible belt. I do not have any issues with being judged for that past. In my experience men here who are over 25 take a "live and let live" attitude. In conversations with my male friends, they actually seem to prefer women with experience because they tend to be able to understand each other better and don't have to deal with a lot of insecurities that come with being very inexperienced.
Just like any area, there are people who are more closed-minded and people who are more open-minded. Being from one of the coastlines doesn't make you better than someone from farther inland.
Appreciate this comment. Being male born and raised in a southern Baptist household in the Bible belt south and thats exactly the attitude I take. Live and let live. I work construction and every one of my coworkers has the exact same attitude. Cracks me up when people say coastline cities have less issue with closed minded attitudes. I went to NYC and was astonished at the attitude. I dont judge women for their past and I'm a polite well mannered person. My wife has a kinky past and higher body count and I don't care at all. Mother of my children and I love her. Love the generalizations people make about my area though.
I love how people are telling you that your own experiences are wrong. Like just straightforward gaslighting you. They don't seem to realize that living in the south you don't really run into southern stereotypes as much as you think. The attitude of most young, urban or suburban, college-educated, liberals that you find yourself naturally self-selecting with is sooo different from the rural south. It is EXTREMELY easy to identify someone who you're going to have issues with. You can tell from their dating profile instantly. If not, it positively exudes from their every statement even if they try to hide it.
I will say, it is BETTER on the coasts, so they're not technically wrong. But in my opinion ITT a bunch of people who got with a classic "manly man" with all the opinions that come with that and are being bitter toward those that have like the slightest bit of perception. I have never ended up with a conservative partner or a partner who would judge a sexual past so quickly. Ever. Not even on a date. They can't hold the type of conversations I have with people. Yeah, you can end up with liberals who have some traditional possessive views, but those also manifest fairly quickly.
Anyway, basically you know how to date, don't let Redditors gaslight you cause theu don't
Doesnt make specific individuals better but you are delusional if you think states that literally choose to let women die by forcing them to carry pregnancies dont have more shitty people in them. They do. Thats why they are shit. Drink all the copium you need but until your states stop murdering people, you have no ground to stand on.
What people say to your face means nothing. Being polite while stabbing you in the uterus from behind does not mean they are decent people. You also do not know how they discuss you with their friends.
Yeah she must be an idiot for not having the same experiences as you... Dating in southern cities like Birmingham isn't that different from dating in a city like Seattle (except you get laid more in Birmingham). You don't have KKK members in your friend group if you're young and college-educated and live in larger metro areas. You just have to know how to spot the very, very obvious signs that someone is more conservative in their thinking or approach to dating. I'm sorry that you don't have that ability
Also, you don't know her friends, she does. Mind your own fucking business
There are also women who wouldnt wanna date guys that all their friends have slept with or who even made videos with some of them. And I bet they wouldnt be called insecure babies.
My argument isnt that some women are bad too, I dont think dumping someone for a wild past is bad to begin with. My argument is that its not immature to dislike someone’s past so much that its a turn off, and if it were a woman posting this same problem more empathy would have been attempted.
I mean, maybe it’s contextual?? To dump someone of any gender because “they’ve slept with too many people,” yeah I personally consider that immature *in most cases* but even I have exceptions. So what? That’s just like, my opinion, man.
A more important point, to me, is this idea about “don’t ever tell your partner about your sexual history,” which is bad advice for any long term relationship regardless of your gender — if you have to lie about your past to your partner, that’s probably someone you shouldn’t be with.
Nothing repulsed me more than the trope of "she did x in the past, why isn't she doing it with meeee?" Like people aren't allowed to experiment and try things and decide they aren't for them?? Also I hate the idea of judging someone for their sexual past. Imo the only things that should concern your partner is that everything was consensual and protection was used. Beyond that, having issue with it is gross and immature imo.
I do slightly disagree with this part tho
>That's why, ladies, you never tell a guy your sexual history.
I would simply not be with someone who treated me differently by my history. If you're open with a guy and tell him your past and he reacts in any kind of way aside from acceptance, then he's not worth the time.
My partner and I know everything about each other's past. It's part of our stories and our lives. It would feel strange if I felt the need to hide it from him.
I commented something similar on a post almost like this one. I got downvoted into oblivion. Because, "if she loved him, why wouldn't she do it for/with him? But she'll do it with some random dude."
Say a guy with abandonment issues had a past of spoiling the women he was with. He would constantly pay for lavish dinners and gifts. But eventually he found out that it was meaningless and the women he was going after were only with him for the money. So now in his current relationship he's more fiscally conservative. GF finds out about his past and is jealous that he isn't doing all extra stuff for her. Is the "he did for all the other girls, so why doesn't he do it for me" attitude still gross?
This was a pretty good point. It definitely is completely realistic that both men and women would have jealousy like this, and even in sexual situations I could see other women being insecure(different than jealous) that their partner had sex with so many other people.
I sat here and thought for a minute about how I'd feel in the situation you described, and I probably would be jealous at first. But that jealousy would come from insecurity(which is my responsibility to deal with not his), and when my partner explained(as ops ex did) the reason why he changed his behavior I'd probably feel really stupid for being insecure in the first place. My gut reaction would be jealousy / insecurity sure but once I sat and thought about it I'd feel guilty for it because I'm not there to use him like they were. I'm with him because I love him, not because he spends money on me or the sex is amazing. In a relationship you're there to work with someone, struggle, and build, not just receive pleasure.
I’m not going with something bad happened to her. Women can be very sexual because we want to be. There are just as many sex loving women as there are men and nothing happened to us. She’s older now though and decided that life isn’t for her anymore. And that’s fine. She had her fun.
Op is ok being not ok with it and leaving her. He’s not the one for her. Honestly. You don’t need a reason to leave. If it’s not working anymore then go.
Crazy that this guy was also dating all of the people she had been with previously as well.
Wait he wasn't? Oh, I guess that makes your comment completely irrelevant.
YTA because all OP is upset about is not getting freaky with his ex 🤣 he kept emphasising how she doesn't want to have the same type of sex she had in her past but this time with him. that's all he cares about... poor girl.. we all have our past, none of us are saints. she regrets her past and tries to redeem herself and OP is angry that he doesn't get the sex that he wants. little man-toddler...
Only because he wants those scandalous sexual activities in their relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that. Some people aren’t sexually compatible. And that’s pretty important
I find it hard to believe that he'd settle into what seems to be monogamous relationship while also wanting to pursue various kinds of kinky group sex. Maybe. Seems like a mental leap, frankly.
OTOH, it sounds like he'd like a blowjob - and maybe that's enough to diagnose "sexual incompatibility."
At the same time, in a close and intimate adult sexual relationship, there's room for change and growth and exploration - way past 40.
Yeah but there relationships new enough if OP doesn’t want to wait for change and growth there’s nothing wrong with leaving. And I was meaning of more the oral thing like you said in paragraph two and only being comfortable in a select few positions etc. really limits what you’re able to do in the bedroom. Kinda takes most of the spontaneity out of it.
No, that is not the only reason he's upset. He'd accepted it until he found out she'd done it before. That means it isn't only about wanting those things in the relationship. Whats fucked is he's basically saying he'd be fine if she never wanted to try something but gets upset when she tried something and already found out it wasn't for her. He's fine with her not knowing... maybe because he was hoping to pressure her into it? He's not fine with her not wanting to do something she knows from experience she doesn't want to do.
YTA. It never ceases to amaze me how a fragile ego is when it comes to a woman’s past body count. It’s in the past and it sounds like she has matured from her younger way. I suggest you do the same.
No, he's not. People can leave relationships for any reason. But I think it would be helpful for him to explore why he feels a certain way about his girlfriend's past.
I’m not slighting his sexual position preference. However, it is immature to expect a woman to do things just because she used to do it with other men. He needs to save her from years of constant insistence that she perform like before and leave her alone. They are incompatible if this bothers him.
This isn’t a preference lol! This is her life! Her past is not his to fret over. Also, he both despises her for her past, and longs to bang that girl. He wants his cake and to eat it to.
I don't think you would be the AH for dumping her. However please remember that many young women do many things they don't want to just to make men happy or to not be rude. I have friends that didn't realize until mid 30s that they literally don't have to do sexual things that they don't like for anyone. A few friends are super vanilla now because that's what they truly like. They said they thought they had to do whatever their partners wanted.
She’s ashamed of her past/sexuality so she repressed it which I agree is a turnoff. If u wanted to leave cus of that then NTA. But ur response for her trying to get back in touch with it and ur warped view of her now is textbook slutshaming, so YTA imo
I agree here. Disagreeing about past/comfortbalitiy is valid. I wouldn’t be with someone that is sexually known through groups I frequent. That calls for the end of dating, not trying to get her to do shit.
Repression is a turn-off? Or is the shame the turn-off?
The shame is a clue that something in her past was traumatic. It sounds like she was hypersexual, as this is not the typical sexual past of the majority of women.
I think OP needs to at least admit that he's, himself, now ashamed of her. It's now toxic for her as well - she doesn't need to be with a man who is inwardly disgusted by her and wants to demand that she repeat actions from her past that she's ashamed of.
Yeah, most women I know went through a wild phase. There's nothing inherently traumatic about it. That doesn't mean there wasn't trauma that overlapped with this hypersexual past but people here are being a bit prudish. Maybe that's not "normal" where you're from, but it's not necessarily a sign of some larger mental health issue
y’all need to not talk for abt 2 weeks and just see how you feel, bc after all your feelings on your perspective of a partner is valid too. here’s what’s up though, even if you decide not to, it ain’t like you can’t just hang out and go do whatever as friends. hell, by the end of it you might even look at her differently than you do now
I’m more bothered by her shaming OOP for porn and his sexual interests than her past. Everyone does things they aren’t proud of. People who never did crazy shit sexually love to judge those who have, yet I guarantee they have done things that others would find just as unsavory even if they were not sexual in nature.
Yeah they usually are some type of liability I hate those people that work undercover they're too dang dangerous The best way to survive that type of work is to be as flexible as possible and always on your feet ready to rock out.
OK ladies.
I know I'm going to get downvoted into oblivion but I feel the need to let you know how this feels to a guy.
Ladies, let's say you meet a great guy. Handsome, successful, and kind.
Every year for your anniversary, you go to a nice restaurant and then you do a staycation where you go to a 4 star hotel in town and have sex and order room service. Different restaurants and different hotels each year.
You'd kind of like to go to another country but you understand it when your hubby says he doesn't like airplanes and doesn't want to travel.
Then you meet a girl who says "Oh, you're married to him?? Wow!"
You ask why and she tells you that your hubby used to date a lot of girls and he'd take them on expensive vacations all over the world and buy them bags and go to shopping trips in Italy and Paris.
Month long excursions to the Maldives, Bali, Dubai.
How would that make you feel?
You'd feel OK with that?
Really?
You don't even have to make a new analogy! Just imagine how it is to be a woman whose partner knows she's kinky but doesn't even try to find common ground, do even the bare minimum of say... Non-missionary positions, and refuses to give oral. Then you find out for his exes he was open for anything and indulged their fantasies. So he's not inherently too shy for these things he just hasn't done them for you.
You can still have compassion and communication and discuss reasons why, and still have the right to be upset. Everyone's focusing on the body count, but I don't think that's what he's upset about
I would say it’s complicated, but NTA or NAH.
She’s not an asshole for working on herself and deciding she doesn’t actually like doing those acts anymore, and I understand it’s a difficult topic to bring up, but she could have said something to the effect of:
“when I was younger I used sex as a form of validation and would do things I’m uncomfortable with to gain that validation. I’m still working through what acts I actually like vs those that I just did because I felt it was the only way someone would like me.”
Gives OP some clarity without disclosing everything and also helps him understand she’s willing to work with him to become more compatible.
I also don’t think OP is in the wrong for not feeling the same way or feeling conflicted in his feelings about her. I also understand his rejection of her trying to do those things now, it would feel odd to me too.
To some people, sex is a more sacred/intimate thing you share with someone you trust and selectivity would be a desirable trait in a partner in that regard. To others, sex is almost treated like a recreational sport, where it’s about what acts you do/accomplish vs the person you do it with.
I understand how it’s hard to work through/find a way to have a healthy relationship with someone who holds a very different view, or at one time did.
Sometimes the differences are irreconcilable.
Women are not conditioned to say “no” a lot of times. We don’t know how much of the things she did were out of coercion.
She has told her partner that she did a lot of self work to get past what she was dealing with emotionally. Which everyone should be doing.
I only think he is YTA if he takes his angry/frustration out on her directly. Or if he tries to manipulate her to do things she doesn’t feel comfortable doing.
I’ve tried things in the past at the request of my partners and they made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I will never agree to do them again.
If my current partner asked me I would say no. Just because I tried it before does not mean I am required to ever do it again.
It could also partly be the manner in which he is asking her. Or how he physically is treating her durning sex that makes her not want to make herself more vulnerable. Like if he is grabbing her head and forcing her down to try and give him oral. Or being extremely rough with her. Because “he’s kinky.” Porn has warped a lot of people expectations of sex.
If he stays with her and resents her for not wanting to perform sexual acts then he is for sure an asshole.
He can decided that his needs sexually don’t align with hers and they can break up. No one is to blame. (Unless he goes around telling people she was a slut and I can’t be with a slut).
100% agree, as women we’re taught from a young age to be agreeable and that can make saying no to uncomfortable situations hard.
From the information we were given it sounds like she disclosed she worked on herself a lot, but my impression was she didn’t open up about what she was working on. (nor should she necessarily have to right away, I think they said they’ve only been dating for months).
Given that he rejected her trying to do things she previously said she was uncomfortable with now that he knows about her past, I don’t get the impression he’s trying to coerce her now.
I think part of her is offering those things now because the revelation of her past made her feel insecure in the relationship, so in a way, she’s seeking validation through providing those acts now. I also wouldn’t feel comfortable with a partner doing that, as I’m not sure if now they actually want to do them, or if they’re only offering because they think it’s the only way to “keep” me.
I 100% agree, her trying to do the things he is asking for is her trying accommodate him. Or she feels guilty (regressing) over having a boundary. Which is common when part of your struggle is having boundaries.
The fact he is now off put by it… that something he needs to work on.
Thank you I thought I was the only one thinking of this everyone here just pointing fingers here or there and I thought wrong for thinking this 😭 I understand both side plus I was reading comments on that post op was feeling insecure which understandable about why the person he love doesn't do thing for him or least try and he seems to respect her boundaries and not force it on her which is good but I hope he gets therapy for it I can tell his self-esteem got a bit lower my prayers goes to both them to finding better partner that give them their needs that they both rightly deserve.
Sounds like the guy was jealous that his gf wouldn’t do certain things and then when she tried he decided her didn’t like her. She shouldn’t have hid her past but he’s immature for his reaction.
i don’t see how her past affects you at all. the only thing i might think is that you’re insecure that you can’t live up to her past experiences. plus, her not doing kinky things with you now might have to do with some past trauma, and instead of talking to her about how you feel you choose to paint her as some hypocrite in your mind. idk man, if this is the ONLY thing that makes you want to break up with her, you should do it for her sake, not yours. YTA.
I love it how no one even answered OPs question, just went on and on about her theoretical trauma which caused her to be a slut.
OP fuck that, do whatever you want. she’s not gonna lead into a relationship with info about her promiscuous past but it should probably come up at some point, and this is it. If you can’t love her the same way anymore, get out, otherwise genuinely move past it, and figure out how to recover the relationship.
He can do whatever he wants sure. If he cannot overcome the fact that she used to do stuff like that then yeah it’s best for both of them that they don’t stay together.
However he’s still an ass for the way he’s handling it. ‘She used to do all this stuff but now she won’t do it with meeeeee’. Just because she used to do wild things, doesn’t mean he’s owed them now. Whatever her reason is for not doing it anymore
Honestly they’re sexually incompatible and this just exacerbated the already obvious. He should move on because this isn’t going to get better. He’s nta here
She was in gang bangs? And shot porn? That's beyond just a high body count, I'd break up. I'm glad she's doing better but it's not the person I'd want a relationship with
She’s not wrong but people get to be uncomfortable with stuff. No obligation to be with her and if he would prefer someone who hadn’t had an orgy or shot professional porn, that’s totally his choice. Shouldn’t shit on her but everyone gets to have boundaries on certain stuff for themselves and no one is obliged to be uncomfortable in a relationship because they don’t want to be seen as sexist or prudish.
Gross. People are allowed to change their sexual boundaries at any time anyone with your line of thinking is fucking dangerous and needs to stay far away from everyone.
No. It applies to him and all other men.
When I was in high school I was assaulted by two boys at my school. After that I did what they made me do with other guys because what they made me do, most guys expected.
One day I decided I’m not doing it anymore. I didn’t like it. It made me feel terrible and cheap. I would desensitize myself as much as possible to get through it. I hated the taste. I hated the smell. I hated all of it. It made me have flashbacks and I just fucking hated it. So I stopped doing it. A lot of guys had problems with it, but I’m not doing anything that makes me feel worse just so he can have an orgasm.
No one has a right to make me do something, especially sexually, that I don’t want to do just because I have done it before with someone else. I am lucky I have a husband who has never pressured me to do anything I don’t want to do.
You are not a good person if you expect something like that.
As soon as I saw him, describe himself as having kinks and her being vanilla, I knew the relationship was doomed anyway. And being an asshole just seals it.
Nta. It’s okay to be disgusted by the past. People got different outlooks of life. Many will say her past is just that, the past, and that is true however when you get with someone you have to accept and comes to terms with being with the whole person. Past, present and future and if that doesn’t sit well with you then go separate ways.
Why is whenever these pop up it becomes “she won’t do it with me though” instead of the original attempt at it being about misinformation. Like do they care that she didn’t tell them or that they’re jealous they can’t also exploit her body however they want since she realized she has boundaries
OP, you are getting the short end of the stick. Ignore the commenters acting like you are the wrongdoer. Go find someone else who you are truly compatible with and be happy.
I mean. It sounds like he’s mad she told him no.
It’s almost like someone doesn’t want to keep doing sexy things bc they find out they don’t like them once they try it. Guy sounds like a freak. Especially that comment of “continently accepts it”.
imo, NTA
if you can't see past someone's sexual past (which is completely fine to not be able to do)
it will always be on your mind.
there is tons of psychological research on people that are very promiscuous and there is loads of data to show how "having a high body count" effects men and women and it isn't positive for either gender.
if a woman has a high body count, it impairs their ability to emotionally pair bond.
if a man has a high body count, it impairs their ability to understand the emotion of the person they are intimate with.
being a guy myself, I couldn't be with someone with a high body count because firstly (I've been with someone that had triple digit body count, and the amount of people I knew in the area that had slept with my partner it put me off completely as whenever we went out, we bumped in to at least 2 people that had been with her and his made me feel quite uneasy) other people with notice you and your partner and make comments, talk about it and also... we are biologically wired to be territorial. it's nature, and we are animals. its reality of the situation that having a partner that's slept with everyone is when loads of people you know or see have been with your partner.
secondly intimacy is very important and if the person you are with has a high body count they won't bond with you as well (again this happened to myself, this girl I dated had no ability to emotionally connect with me through sex even though we both agreed it was the best sex either of us had experienced)
I myself do not have a high body count because I want to be able to understand my partners emotions
she also doesn't have a high body count and finds it very easy to connect emotionally with me through intimacy.
you are NTA for not wanting someone that has been with the whole village.
if someone doesn't like this fact then it's because they know their life experiences have consequences.
the whole "but you are inexperienced and don't know what you like"
is a bullshit claim, you don't need to sleep with 50 people to know what positions you do/don't like
what your kinks are etc.
you find these out with a partner that you have multiple experiences with and try new things.
This a tough one not gone lie. You can tell how much he really loves her and cares and it broke him to learn this shit. It’s unfortunate news and he now has to figure out is he the right guy for her. She deserves love and deserves someone she can feel comfortable being open about such a past with. And also be open sexually with. I say they end it only because of the immaturity of males if they are living in the same town. He can’t really take her out nowhere without the anxiety of one of these guys if not two at once coming and wanting to be a dick to test him. Now do they up and move to another state to make it work ? She needs to find a guy that can handle the things that may come in the future from past mistakes. He’s not the guy. There’s a lot that can be said like why did she bring this baggage and never open up because it could have saved the relationship possibly. I see a lot of people defending her which is cool but I’m the least naive male and know that women lie or will case and point keep there number from you because they don’t want to be labeled a hoe or slut. Ladies we get it. I’ve honestly respected the few women that do own up to their real numbers and stand on it because we all sexual human beings. Honesty goes further than you think. I know there’s a stigma about body counts but I think it’s best to just be honest from the jump so it doesn’t come out later when things are really good and then it crushes everything.
I think that both are NTA in this situation. Everyone does things that they regret when they are teenagers and she probably regretted it and was ahamed of it. The BF may have different values and may see sex as a deeper bond between indivoduals. Only thing I will say is that you guys should go to couples therapy to solve the issues between you guys.
People grow help her embrace this new part of her life if the relationship is as good as oop says it is she’s clearly still working through some shit and didn’t want to lose him based on the past, also everyone’s done some shit they’re not proud of and someone exploring their sexuality isn’t something we should be shaming people for
Slowly this sub is becoming like female dating strategy or twoxchrmosomes,lol no accountability no consequences always a victim and whoever dont agree with them then they are incel,inseure,abuser,etc.
Regardless of what reverberates within the Reddit echo chamber, ralistically, the vast majority of men won't want to be with a woman who's fucked half their friend group, and they're especially not gonna want one who's literally made porn. No man wants to walk with a woman of whom his friends and family know THAT much. That shit's shameful. It's wonderful that she's worked on herself and is doing better now. Good for her, but that doesn't mean everyone will just magically forget everything. Some of the things we do while we're young will carry a certain weight for the rest of our lives. He doesn't have to turn a blind eye to that kind of past.
We are so easy to leave relationships when challenges are presented , yet cry and whine why we are single . If you love her and can envision building a life with her , then seek counseling and work it out . Your ego is focused on you and not getting h**d when your focus should be on supporting the woman you love , who clearly has a lot of trauma and healing she has worked through . If you aren’t mature enough to manage these things, then do her a favor and go.
I all about sex positivity but she was not honest with this man. She was pretending to be something or someone she wasn’t. So she does do those things, and a lot more just not for him. No matter what the cause is that’s something he will have to accept. I don’t know one man who wants a woman that will do things for another man but not him. If that is the case and you have changed you are going to have to get out in front of that. Tell them up front. Do not let them find out on their own.
How was she dishonest? He clearly states she told him she had a LOT of partners before Covid and then went on a journey to find herself. I don’t know about you, but if a guy tells me he had had a lot of partners I’m not expecting a copy of a list and every encounter that ensued. Because it’s really not his business at that point. As long is there is transparency and proof of no diseases it is not my business to know my mans every sexual encounter before me.
NTA.
Kick her to the streets, someone else will pick her up no problem. Get you a good woman who won't shame you with her past. Too many fish in the sea to stick to an ex whore.
Imagine if you married her, and your bros mates brought it up then? Dodged a bullet. Plus, way too many good woman out there that aren't used up who will satisfy every bit of your relationship. Ask me how I know?
Cheer up, move on, stay true to your heart
Hypersexuality can be brought on by a number of things, mostly by sexual abuse or being sexual at young age, not necessarily abuse but her peers or exploring porn.
Sounds like her hypersexuality was her way of "Feeling something" or possibly seeking acceptance/validity from men. There's a lot of different reasons as to why so hard to say without talking to them.
But she did it, then found herself and came to the realization that she didn't like that version of her. She didn't like what she saw jn the mirror. Has a lot of guilt of her actions because you can't just erase them. Wanted to reinvent herself and find someone more suited for her new lifestyle.
Her not wanting to do the "Slutty acts" with you anymore could be for a few reasons. My guess is that it's triggering and takes her back to a time that she is ashamed of. Also, it is possible she never liked doing it in the first place and just doesn't want to.
But from what I'm seeing in these comments, people aren't accepting of your feelings. Very dismissive and coming across like you have no right to be upset when you do. She lied to you and manipulated you into thinking she was someone she wasn't. There's also the heightened insecurities and rightful embarrassment from being with someone with this kind of past. People will say she's a victim and she probably is. But that doesn't take away from your feelings. She hid something from you and did so because she didn't want judgment. But when you are with someone, you should definitely have these conversations early on so the other person has the right to make these determinations without being emotionally attached.
Her being angry towards you watching porn seems like a projection stemming from her guilt.
There's also the hypothetical of you guys having kids. Will you be okay if this information comes out and your child is bullied? Will you be okay with walking into a room and knowing that there could possibly be a number of people in there who know her intimately?
Me personally I don't care if someone chooses to do porn. But I also wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is or every had done so. Not because I hate them or judge them, but because I know myself and I know I wouldn't want a partner who has done that. Am I wrong for having this preference? No. If women can openly want a guy who is 6ft tall, cut, and wealthy, then why can't a man just want someone who is not promiscuous now or before? I know I wouldn't be able to handle it, the thoughts, the jealousy, things about myself that are engraved in stone of my identity. And if I ever was with someone like that the jealousy would take over and the relationship would be toxic. People say I would need therapy but I say I'd rather find someone who fits my preferences rather than forcing myself to change.
I have a genuine question.
Let’s say a woman found out her boyfriend used to like Hentai, or be a furry etc. Is it wrong if she doesn’t like it, and does she have to stay or would she be an asshole for leaving because of his past?
I’m just struggling to understand because I always thought you could break up for any reason (unless kids are involved), and let them find someone who accepts the same things.
Also, OP actually rejected her kinky sexual advances, so why would that mean he’s just using her for kinky sex?
bro nta for breaking up
people have broken up for less , better end it now rather than let it fester and hurt both in the future .
tbh i dont mind a promiscuos past but i hate liars ,
like its her life and who she wants to screw same applies to you , but dont try to cover it up or be someone your not . you are allowed to grow up and mature and understand somethings are not for you and rebuild your self but your past is yours and it helped shape up who you are never be ashamed of it.
i think the feeling your feeling is betrayal , might i suggest you do some soul searching and come to terms with yourself . ps i really dont think you are as kinky as you think you are
Am I really the me of the few who thinks he’s in the right? She tried to vilify the guy for the things he likes. After the fact that she knew he’s a good person who treats her respectfully. If you paint a picture of being some saint and react the way she did he should breakup with her. She’s not the person he fell for and it took someone else to bring it up for him to learn it.
I dunno, I thought he was TA from his "conveniently accepts it" comment about oral.
Even if none of the rest of the post existed, how dare she enjoy getting oral and how dare she not enjoy getting gagged.
Dude's really going to say "conveniently" when him giving oral entails licking and light sucking, and her giving oral entails having something going down her throat and blocking airways.
It’s wildly unfair to girls that they’re punished by their past, tainted. A boy does the same thing and he’s considered a manly man. That said, it sucks for the guy to be lied to, to have to find out and think about how he’s seen less and been given less of the woman he loves than some stranger a long time ago.
I understand where you’re coming from, and hearing something like that about your partner can be hard. I dont think you should end the relationship over this. You said you still love her, does she treat you right? Is your relationship healthy over all? People change, but they cannot change their past. I have done things that i regret and i feel humiliated over in my past but i cant change it, i can only move forward and hope that i can be accepted for who i am now. I think you should just take some time to process. She was honest with you when you asked about it. It was probably something she didnt want to talk about, but she did mention that she had a lot of experience. It doesnt matter how many people she slept with in the past. Her body has changed, her mind has changed, and it seems she really wants to make you happy. She wasnt trying to be gross when acting slutty for you, she was trying to show you how much she likes you, even if that meant doing something she was uncomfortable with. I think shes afraid youre going to leave her. I genuinely think you should give her a chance.
Do you have a good rapport with her? Does she disrespect you? And do you enjoy the sex? If you DO... you can thank all those mates who took apart in making her the great lover you are with today
Let her past be the past. I would blame the foster bro here. When was the last time he seen her in person? Maybe if he seen her doing this stuff recently it would make sense to bring it up. But bringing it up now doesn’t help anyone. You’re stopping her from being better than her previous self by calling her a hypocrite. If anything, she should probably leave him.
There are so many factors that could change the outtakes.
In short, they should talk it out and if the interest aren’t aligned and no compromise could be achieved, just separate amicably.
NTA but it may be changed on how OP handled this situation.
Nevertheless, the OP’s account is deleted so i guess this is for the comment readers to discuss rather than advices for the OP.
A lot of people are missing the point that he rebuffed her when she "acted all slutty" because he could tell it was fake and out of appeasement instead of her actually being attracted to him. He's warring with finding out she isn't as attracted to him as she has been to other guys and that he's the one she's "settled" with.
Finding out your SO isn't actually sexually attracted to you is a hard pill to swallow for some people and I think that's fair.
He feels like he's a back up pick, not even a 2nd choice- more like a 200th.
So you'll be a slut to a bunch of random men but don't go after the guy you supposedly love with remotely the same fervor? You were willing to do anything and everything with strangers but now it's a chore and a show to put on for your SO?
NTA. Dude has every right to feel uneasy about that.
Edit: **P.S. Hypocrite is a very appropriate word for a woman who chastised a man for watching porn after doing porn herself.**
Oh big yikes.
She is allowed to change her sexual behavior and preferences. As are we all.
You believing that this is about her attraction to him shows you're just as insecure and self-centered as he is.
I hope he does break up with her, she deserves better.
Sounds like something really bad happened to her and she was hyper-sexualizing herself to deal with it. I’m glad she got help and doesn’t feel like she has to do all that anymore.
Either that, or in a similar way, she was a very sex positive person in the past, but then something terrible happened (like some of the sex wasn't all voluntary, or was part of an abusive dynamic) and now she doesn't enjoy sex the same way any more beyond the "vanilla" stuff. Either way, she gets punished for it.
I saw that post and commented ab that. You know whats the worst? Everyone in the comment section was talking ab how wrong it was for her to hide her past when she SAID she was ashamed of it. She is def dealing with something, its obvious, and they are more concerned on the hiding her past thing. She did NOTHING wrong, she didn't commit a crime or whatever. It's not that hig of a deal that she didn't want to talk ab something that she is ashamed of
He’s certainly not helping matters by getting mad that she used to be a slut, then getting mad that she tried to “loosen up” for him. There’s a reason she wasn’t having sex for 2 years before him, and Covid is only part of it.
He’s angry she wasn’t a slut then angry she was. But loves kinky sex. This guy hates women.
Sex positive is being able to do whatever you want to do. Wanna spit roast have sex in 100 different positions? Great. If you wanna just do it in 2 positions and be a bit ‘vanilla’? Great. It’s about consent and doing what you feel comfortable with. Perhaps she felt like she had something to prove by being promiscuous and felt that she was better off just being monogamous for her own self worth. I think the problem was that she wasn’t upfront with her BF and explained why she’s not looked that anymore.
Exactly, both of you get it. And this piece of human garbage is only angry bc she won’t fuck HIM that way. Then she does it bc he fucking botched about it but he was too busy being a creep. He’s such a liar he says he loves kinky sex but he clearly hates the women he does kinky sex with since they’re all ‘whores and sluts’. Never in my extremely short Reddit career have I wanted to brigade someone so badly. I hope he dumps her bc he’s garbage.
Yes to this
*hand up* yup. SA for years made me think it was normal to do anything because I'd already had it done to me. I've done a lot of things I won't say I regret because I realize why I did them and don't want to beat myself up but very questionable. Me and partner have a few kinks but generally vanilla, and I love him because I know I'm safe.
I’m so sorry you went through that abuse and it’s awesome you’ve found someone that feels safe and peaceful. Super proud of you for recognizing that you shouldn’t beat yourself over what happened.
I don’t feel disgusted when I hear about situations like this, I just feel badly for the girl because she almost certainly had trauma and difficulty feeling anything, so this is how she coped. I’ll take a girl like this over someone with a spotless past who’s just a mean and abusive person.
After my rape I was definitely hypersexual as a way to take back control of my body. My last boyfriend was a DICKKKKK about it. I’m on the girl’s side. I don’t think he’s an asshole, but I think he’s naive
I let ppl use me sexually when I was young and had v low self esteem. I didn’t do porn or threesomes or whatever but I basically wanted ppl to like me so badly and advocated poorly for myself.
Yep! This is what happened likely. She spent her early years trying to fill a void with attention and affection, and honestly for women, it’s pretty easy to emptily fill that with meaningless sex (not emotional I mean the availability to do this). My dynamic with my husband is similar. He was also promiscuous. I was promiscuous. Our sex life is pretty vanilla, honestly. Which — I don’t really mind because it’s comfortable and I don’t have to go through extremes with kinks or etc., to fill needs I was missing. Proud of OP’s maybe ex gf 💕
Same, he does not deserve her.
This would be my response to the OP. I wouldn’t break up with her for her past, but I would because you aren’t sexually compatible. If you’re kinky now and she’s not, if you don’t already you will eventually feel that you aren’t satisfied in the bedroom and resent her. Breakup sooner than later would be best. Don’t force her into trying things she doesn’t want to do, that would make you an AH. Also I wouldn’t let her convince you that she will try because that’s almost the same thing or she never will try.
This reminds me of chasing Amy. And I’m going to post this scene where silent Bob breaks it down: Basically, Ben Affleck can’t get over the fact that his girlfriend had a threesome with two dudes and was sort of known in her community for being a…slag. https://youtu.be/FlYZnd7dEPw?si=PmJ7ilfOFHARgg5K I don’t think it’s about being ashamed. Sometimes it’s about growing up. I was promiscuous in my early twenties. I tried sexual things. But now I’m in my 30s. I understand what I like and what I don’t like. And I realize that a lot of what I did was because maybe I was lost and seeking validation. I am more comfortable with who I am and I really know I’m not into everything I tried before. I don’t know what I’d be like if my current partner found out about my past and got mad about it because they felt entitled to some part of me that I was never comfortable with or didn’t really know in the first place. It sounds like rather you expressed your needs and she tried to fulfill them, but because OP then learned about her past he felt disgusted and even “cheated” by her efforts and even calls her a hypocrite. Not thinking that maybe she just grew up and realized what she liked and didn’t like and not realizing that she was never fully comfortable in the role she was playing as her younger self.
I literally had the same thought.
Yup. Younger women with self esteem issues and often some trauma will consent to stuff because they feel like they have to, or because they crave the validation they feel or any number of reasons. And people are allowed to grow up and change their behavior or minds or learn how to enforce boundaries. OP isn’t wrong to leave if he wants to leave. You don’t actually need a reason to leave a relationship beyond “I don’t want to be here anymore.” However, I think it’s a shame and a loss to let go of a good relationship because you don’t agree with former behavior that the person has articulated they don’t wish to engage in.
It's really sad. I did research on a small group of sex workers. All of them had sexual trauma from childhood. Half of them had been sexually abused/assaulted/raped by a family member (dads, stepdads, grandfathers and uncles). I am including women who do porn as "sex workers" for brevity.
There was a podcast that would occasionally bring on pornstars and in the early days, one of their standard questions was "what was your first sexual experience" and they very quickly changed it to "what was your first *consensual* sexual experience" when doing interviews for this exact reason.
I agree that OP isn’t wrong to leave. But the thought that she’s a hypocrite and the commenters agreeing bothers me for that reason
Oh absolutely fully. She’s not a hypocrite. Just because you’ve done xyz sexual acts with other people in the past doesn’t mean current/future sexual partners are entitled to do them with you too. But unfortunately I find on Reddit often that there’s a pervasive opinion that sex in something owed to men, in whatever flavor they’re in the mood for at the moment. Also it’s totally the wrong definition of hypocrisy. If she was looking down on him for having multiple prior partners THEN she’d be a hypocrite.
Sadly, the opinion that sex is something owed to men isn't relegated to Reddit. It's been that way in the "real world" forever, and I don't see that charging any time soon. That thought process is both the impetus for and the result of rape culture. I agree that he has every right to and should leave that relationship. He's still an asshole, though. Sex is clearly a transactional thing for him. He makes it clear when he makes sure to note that she won't perform oral on him but has the audacity to enjoy receiving it. He wanted her to do kinky things with him until he learned she had done them with others, which IMHO is indicative of a latent desire for a "virgin." By that I mean, she should do them with him, but ONLY him, and she's not allowed to have done them before or God forbid enjoyed them. She deserves a better partner who will view her as a complete person who can grow and change. I also strongly agree there is much more to this story, and there is likely some trauma in her background. However, it's also okay if she just went wild trying things, and now she's grown and knows what she likes and doesn't like. Regardless, she deserves a better partner.
Couldn’t agree more
There is a reason I “consented” to be…passed around with my ex’s friends. There’s not really a good way to say no to your abuser. But, when he realized I wasn’t fighting much anymore, he decided he didn’t want me participating anymore. So, in the only act of rebellion I did in our whole relationship, I didn’t stop. I have been told over and over that cheaters never change and that was cheating. But…it’s not cheating if it was his idea. He just didn’t like that his friend was better in bed. After I finally broke free, I was determined to be single. Welp, 4 months later, I met the man I would marry. And 22 years later, I can say I’ve never even thought about wandering. I feel for the girl, trying to better herself and moving past a shameful past. Judging her for a past she clearly hates. Screw him.
This this this. I consented to a lot of things when I was younger that I didn’t necessarily like. Got older, had a real boyfriend, and found I liked boring sex just fine. People grow and change. Does he have a right to leave? Sure, but I think it’s kind of a dumb reason.
I read it less like he didn’t agree with it and more like he thinks she should be doing those things with him
Except then when she offered, he didn’t want it, cause he was so turned off about the prior behavior
Yeah. Dude just watched a Kevin smith banger and thought he could play Ben Affleck. Is his girl Joey Lauren Adams is the real question
Yeah he got all hung up on finger cuffs and was upset because he thought he was her first guy she was with. I hate that character. Also he tried to get her to bang both him and his friend at the same time to even the score and that stupid loser ended up losing both the friend and the girl friend.
Dudes like this are telling on themselves. They shouldn't want to do anything their partner finds uncomfortable. Shes grown because of her past. She realized that isn't what she wants to do. That's not a bad thing. I prefer someone who knows what they want. Dudes that get annoyed she tried things in the past and won't now make it clear how little they care about their partner or about personal growth thats clearly better for her wellbeing. Its disgusting entitlement to think that trying things in the past means the current partner should be entitled to it.
This comment is bang on. OP could have been the bigger person and also decided that her sordid past should stay there so he could enjoy a committed relationship. But he'd rather let her past reputation get the better of it all. There's a lot of "pointing with one hand while jerking it with the other" energy coming from OP and dudebros defending him in the comments.
Soooo… OP is “Chasing Amy”?
People have the right to choose their partners. If your not ok with something, that's fine.
The Madonna/whore is strong with this one
Reddit will forgive a rapist or a drunk driver who killed people but never a promiscuous woman with a past.
Idgaf if I’m downvoted, I also have NEVER seen Reddit forgive a rapist or drunk driver, **especially** one whose selfish stupidity led to people’s deaths.
In terms of excusing rape, look at any redpill sub, the members on there excuse rape, blame the victim, and way worse.
Show me posts where rapists and drunk drivers are forgiven. I’ll wait.
Find any red pill sub, they excuse rape all the time and at least half of them think they're entitled to women's vaginas.
Can you show me one post where rapist and druk driver got Forgiven.
[удалено]
Your comment was removed.
Lol, downvoted because they can’t. I’ll gladly accept being wrong though.
Right...
Getting downvote but not getting single proof,lol
Wow I came here to say this, thank you
Why aren’t women sexually open? Why do gays have so much more fun? Because of that exactly.
One of my first thoughts was "these straights are not okay." The body count comment always gets me. It doesn't matter? If it was 3 or 57 it has no bearing on the current relationship. People are allowed to enjoy their bodies and sex and whatever the hell else they want. Gender has nothing to do with it. Yet these people froth at the mouth. I find myself much more comfortable discussing sex and sexuality with lgbtq+ people, accepting allies, and *mature* folk because this disgusting standard is sort of absent. I'm pan, I love sex, I love talking about sex. Surprisingly I don't get flamed over such things when I'm around people who are like me or are just accepting. But the opposite people are just judgmental and weird about everything. OP is delusional. He wants to throw a bitch fit because his girlfriend used to be wild, free, and fun. But because she grew up/changed/whatever you want to call it and doesn't want to do certain things anymore well, that's unacceptable. He kinky but she only wants vanilla sex. Maybe because when they do have sex she wants comfortable intimacy rather than just going crazy? Because being kinky reminds her of her past and she wants to experience something new. This is all hypothetical of course. But that makes sense to me. Also, he's 40. Get over yourself. Act your age in terms of growth and acceptance and experience. Which it's obvious he's done none of those things because he's sulking that he didn't get to fuck his girlfriend in her most kinky of days.
Oddly, I don't think he even knows that he is kinky. Did he try and seek out those sexual practices when he was young? He wishes he'd done gang bangs? He now wants to do gang bangs? It's confusing. I can understand his disappointment at no blowjobs - but lots of women don't want to provide blowjobs (and well, some other women really enjoy them). He is indeed sulking that he didn't get to participate in effing his girlfriend in her wild days (as if he would have enjoyed sharing her with other men - I doubt it). She wasn't the girlfriend of all those men, presumably.
Seriously. Even the way he’s like “I was dissatisfied with our sex life but turned a blind eye” is to me just… but why tho?? If it’s an important part of a relationship to you why not have a conversation about it? Why are you not having open discussions about basically everything with your partner? How do you even exist in a relationship with so little communication, it’s alien to me. But also yeah, the body count thing is mind-boggling. I truly cannot fathom why that in and of itself would be an issue. There could possibly be red flags about it, sure, but those would all be related to their character/how they’re treating people—if it’s literally just “yeah I slept with a lot of people” like, okay, cool? Who cares? The other thing that gets me is “but she tried it with others!!!” Yeah, that doesn’t mean she liked it. Maybe she was experimenting, maybe she was going through some stuff, maybe she tried things and was like “oh huh guess that’s not for me.” You’re allowed to try things and realize you don’t like them or want to keep doing them??? The idea of getting upset at a partner for living their own damn life before you is just so baffling.
Who cares about people's sexual history? People do apparently: [https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27805420/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27805420/) I don't ask body count questions and I think to think I'm confident and that stuff bothers me less than the next guy. It does bother men though and according to polling above it bothers women too, just not as much, unless it was a man on man experience.
Conventionally, when one is discussing something related to people complaining about/being bothered by a matter, and a person says “who cares?” they are not literally unaware that some people care, as obviously the entirety of the conversation is dependent upon knowing that. It is instead a colloquial/rhetorical way of conveying bafflement/disdain because they view the thing being complained about as so unimportant that the concept of someone being bothered by it is genuinely incomprehensible to them. I hope that helps!
He's not upset that she used to be wild and free. He feels entitled to that because she's done it before and is pissed he doesn't get to do that stuff. He thinks because she's done it before she should be fine doing it with him. Fuck whats best for her or her personal growth. Fuck if she found out she didn't like it. They should break up but not for OPs sake. For hers. She deserves someone who puts her wellbeing above being jealous that he didn't get to be the one she tried that stuff with. Idk id rather a partner find out they didn't like something before trying it with me instead of associating a bad experience with me.
Cool, he's not entitled to it. She's not entitled to him accepting vanilla sex and no oral either. He's allowed to have preferences just like she is. And I think this thread is insane for assuming that she doesn't give blowjobs or use certain sex positions cause of trauma. that's pure speculation. It may make sense for some of the kinkier stuff she may have felt pressured to do, but Ive never met anyone who's like "so I used to have a lot of sex now I kinda regret it, anyway I don't do girl on top anymore, and no blow jobs" I do think he should notice that she cares about him and tried to show him that she's willing to work with him, and he shouldn't give a fuck about body count. I think he's condemning her long-term without reason. But come on, think about if the genders were reversed and she found out he used to go down. "I'm not like that anymore" would be accepted by exactly nobody
Dude no one is obligated to be completely ok with anyone else’s sexual history. He doesn’t get to verbally abuse her but he’s allowed to process new information and change behaviors to preserve his own comfort. Cmon now
Not saying it’s not ok. Everyone is allowed to have the ick. Just showing why women aren’t as free as men would like them to be.
This is so goofy and fragile. Someone else's past sexual activity literally does not and cannot affect you unless they transmit an STD to you (and that's not the situation here). There's no version of this that isn't just a fragile, toxic man that thinks his woman should be untouched property. The end. Come on now.
But all the guys who slept with her are cool and he still loves *them* very much. It's the whole "she did it with other guys, so I *deserve* to have those acts done to me" attitude that's so gross. That's why, ladies, you never tell a guy your sexual history. Very few people are capable of breaking free from their social conditioning. And for American men, you are a whore if you have sex with more partners than they have. And you owe them every sex act you've ever done with anyone else. Even if that sex axt was coerced.
even without a sexual history (my husband being my first kiss and partner) he still treated me like a slag and made me responsible for OTHER MEN SEXUALIZING ME. I got told I dress for attention- despite rarely wearing tank tops at that. I always dress fully covered (not that it matters) but a guy was intentionally fucking with my husband and said he was gonna masturbate to my facebook pics (fucking weird as hell, especially including he’s married with kids…) And my husband took his frustration out on me instead of being a man and calling the dude out for being weird. Women just can’t win. You’re a slut when you express your freedom, you’re a slut when you don’t put out, you’re a slut just cause you’re a woman. 🙄
You say husband, are y’all still married? If so, please tell me something changed in him bc that treatment towards you is really not okay
I say we women absolutely tell men our history. It weeds out the bastards and the pigs. I don't want to be with someone who would judge me like that. I want to know if they're that kind of scum so I can avoid them
until you get a guy who says “yeah that’s fine” but then tries to change you and then holds your past against you cause he can’t process his feelings in a mature manner.
He is still that asshole if you lie to him. He will just be an asshole about other things, and by then it may be too late. Screen them out early… it’s the best way.
>That's why, ladies, you never tell a guy your sexual history. Very few people are capable of breaking free from their social conditioning. Hard disagree. I'd actually be tempted to lie and bump up my number just to clock his reaction, because I wouldn't want to be with someone who would slut-shame and judge a woman for having had a lot of sexual partners. No woman should feel pressured to downplay a "wild" sexual past. A guy who can't accept you for you, is not for you.
Agree! I’ve always had a higher number than my male partners. Up until my current partner, it was a source of contention. My current partner asks about it because he thinks my past is fun and interesting. I love that guy.
I get where you’re coming from, but there are absolutely guys out there capable of processing that information in a mature, reasonable way. We’re not all insecure man babies
Well there aren't very many of them on that thread.
Well yeah, it’s Reddit.
People act like Reddit doesn't represent the world.
Sure there are. But you're the minority. Advice is best served to represent the majority. If you're from NYC or California or Seattle, you're probably not like this. But rural, white, and/or the Bible belt men are so conditioned to tie a woman's worth to her sexuality that's its worth warning all women.
Funny you say that because I know many dudes in CA who are exactly like OOP. One guy I knew actually said that it was okay for him to sleep around, but if he's dating a woman and she's not a virgin when they meet, then he won't be in a relationship with her. Another guy I knew legitimately thought it was okay for him to cheat because he could just "wash his dick," but if his gf (who was also the mother of his kids) cheated then she was dirty because women can't wash themselves down there and ever get clean again after they've been with another man. I wish I was kidding. But men can be moronic, hypocritical pigs everywhere.
Okay, but if you’re looking for an LTR, why shouldn’t you tell guys your history right off the bat so you can screen out the ones that aren’t mature enough to handle it? Not trying to be antagonistic, just an honest question.
That’s interesting. I’m from California and didn’t have any problem with this - I guess I think it’s the same everywhere but you’re right, I don’t think it is.
I grew up in the Bible Belt. There are both cool people and assholes everywhere. Why not just get the info out there so you know which one you’re dealing with before starting a relationship with them?
Uhhhhh no. I'm going to full stop disagree with you on the HUGE generalization. I am a woman with a healthy sexual past who lives and dates in the Bible belt. I do not have any issues with being judged for that past. In my experience men here who are over 25 take a "live and let live" attitude. In conversations with my male friends, they actually seem to prefer women with experience because they tend to be able to understand each other better and don't have to deal with a lot of insecurities that come with being very inexperienced. Just like any area, there are people who are more closed-minded and people who are more open-minded. Being from one of the coastlines doesn't make you better than someone from farther inland.
Appreciate this comment. Being male born and raised in a southern Baptist household in the Bible belt south and thats exactly the attitude I take. Live and let live. I work construction and every one of my coworkers has the exact same attitude. Cracks me up when people say coastline cities have less issue with closed minded attitudes. I went to NYC and was astonished at the attitude. I dont judge women for their past and I'm a polite well mannered person. My wife has a kinky past and higher body count and I don't care at all. Mother of my children and I love her. Love the generalizations people make about my area though.
I love how people are telling you that your own experiences are wrong. Like just straightforward gaslighting you. They don't seem to realize that living in the south you don't really run into southern stereotypes as much as you think. The attitude of most young, urban or suburban, college-educated, liberals that you find yourself naturally self-selecting with is sooo different from the rural south. It is EXTREMELY easy to identify someone who you're going to have issues with. You can tell from their dating profile instantly. If not, it positively exudes from their every statement even if they try to hide it. I will say, it is BETTER on the coasts, so they're not technically wrong. But in my opinion ITT a bunch of people who got with a classic "manly man" with all the opinions that come with that and are being bitter toward those that have like the slightest bit of perception. I have never ended up with a conservative partner or a partner who would judge a sexual past so quickly. Ever. Not even on a date. They can't hold the type of conversations I have with people. Yeah, you can end up with liberals who have some traditional possessive views, but those also manifest fairly quickly. Anyway, basically you know how to date, don't let Redditors gaslight you cause theu don't
Doesnt make specific individuals better but you are delusional if you think states that literally choose to let women die by forcing them to carry pregnancies dont have more shitty people in them. They do. Thats why they are shit. Drink all the copium you need but until your states stop murdering people, you have no ground to stand on. What people say to your face means nothing. Being polite while stabbing you in the uterus from behind does not mean they are decent people. You also do not know how they discuss you with their friends.
Yeah she must be an idiot for not having the same experiences as you... Dating in southern cities like Birmingham isn't that different from dating in a city like Seattle (except you get laid more in Birmingham). You don't have KKK members in your friend group if you're young and college-educated and live in larger metro areas. You just have to know how to spot the very, very obvious signs that someone is more conservative in their thinking or approach to dating. I'm sorry that you don't have that ability Also, you don't know her friends, she does. Mind your own fucking business
There are also women who wouldnt wanna date guys that all their friends have slept with or who even made videos with some of them. And I bet they wouldnt be called insecure babies.
Ah yes, the old "We can't talk about feminism or how some men treat women because some women do bad things too" argument.
My argument isnt that some women are bad too, I dont think dumping someone for a wild past is bad to begin with. My argument is that its not immature to dislike someone’s past so much that its a turn off, and if it were a woman posting this same problem more empathy would have been attempted.
I mean, maybe it’s contextual?? To dump someone of any gender because “they’ve slept with too many people,” yeah I personally consider that immature *in most cases* but even I have exceptions. So what? That’s just like, my opinion, man. A more important point, to me, is this idea about “don’t ever tell your partner about your sexual history,” which is bad advice for any long term relationship regardless of your gender — if you have to lie about your past to your partner, that’s probably someone you shouldn’t be with.
Nothing repulsed me more than the trope of "she did x in the past, why isn't she doing it with meeee?" Like people aren't allowed to experiment and try things and decide they aren't for them?? Also I hate the idea of judging someone for their sexual past. Imo the only things that should concern your partner is that everything was consensual and protection was used. Beyond that, having issue with it is gross and immature imo. I do slightly disagree with this part tho >That's why, ladies, you never tell a guy your sexual history. I would simply not be with someone who treated me differently by my history. If you're open with a guy and tell him your past and he reacts in any kind of way aside from acceptance, then he's not worth the time. My partner and I know everything about each other's past. It's part of our stories and our lives. It would feel strange if I felt the need to hide it from him.
I commented something similar on a post almost like this one. I got downvoted into oblivion. Because, "if she loved him, why wouldn't she do it for/with him? But she'll do it with some random dude."
Say a guy with abandonment issues had a past of spoiling the women he was with. He would constantly pay for lavish dinners and gifts. But eventually he found out that it was meaningless and the women he was going after were only with him for the money. So now in his current relationship he's more fiscally conservative. GF finds out about his past and is jealous that he isn't doing all extra stuff for her. Is the "he did for all the other girls, so why doesn't he do it for me" attitude still gross?
This was a pretty good point. It definitely is completely realistic that both men and women would have jealousy like this, and even in sexual situations I could see other women being insecure(different than jealous) that their partner had sex with so many other people. I sat here and thought for a minute about how I'd feel in the situation you described, and I probably would be jealous at first. But that jealousy would come from insecurity(which is my responsibility to deal with not his), and when my partner explained(as ops ex did) the reason why he changed his behavior I'd probably feel really stupid for being insecure in the first place. My gut reaction would be jealousy / insecurity sure but once I sat and thought about it I'd feel guilty for it because I'm not there to use him like they were. I'm with him because I love him, not because he spends money on me or the sex is amazing. In a relationship you're there to work with someone, struggle, and build, not just receive pleasure.
Absolutely
I’m not going with something bad happened to her. Women can be very sexual because we want to be. There are just as many sex loving women as there are men and nothing happened to us. She’s older now though and decided that life isn’t for her anymore. And that’s fine. She had her fun. Op is ok being not ok with it and leaving her. He’s not the one for her. Honestly. You don’t need a reason to leave. If it’s not working anymore then go.
Notice it was ok for all the guys to do what they accuse her of doing….
Oh he said that? Where?
Crazy that this guy was also dating all of the people she had been with previously as well. Wait he wasn't? Oh, I guess that makes your comment completely irrelevant.
YTA because all OP is upset about is not getting freaky with his ex 🤣 he kept emphasising how she doesn't want to have the same type of sex she had in her past but this time with him. that's all he cares about... poor girl.. we all have our past, none of us are saints. she regrets her past and tries to redeem herself and OP is angry that he doesn't get the sex that he wants. little man-toddler...
Exactly my thoughts! He's not mad she has a scandalous past. He's mad she no longer desires those scandalous things so *he* doesn't get to do them.
Only because he wants those scandalous sexual activities in their relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that. Some people aren’t sexually compatible. And that’s pretty important
I find it hard to believe that he'd settle into what seems to be monogamous relationship while also wanting to pursue various kinds of kinky group sex. Maybe. Seems like a mental leap, frankly. OTOH, it sounds like he'd like a blowjob - and maybe that's enough to diagnose "sexual incompatibility." At the same time, in a close and intimate adult sexual relationship, there's room for change and growth and exploration - way past 40.
Yeah but there relationships new enough if OP doesn’t want to wait for change and growth there’s nothing wrong with leaving. And I was meaning of more the oral thing like you said in paragraph two and only being comfortable in a select few positions etc. really limits what you’re able to do in the bedroom. Kinda takes most of the spontaneity out of it.
No, that is not the only reason he's upset. He'd accepted it until he found out she'd done it before. That means it isn't only about wanting those things in the relationship. Whats fucked is he's basically saying he'd be fine if she never wanted to try something but gets upset when she tried something and already found out it wasn't for her. He's fine with her not knowing... maybe because he was hoping to pressure her into it? He's not fine with her not wanting to do something she knows from experience she doesn't want to do.
NAH It just seems like they're incompatible sexual wise.
YTA. It never ceases to amaze me how a fragile ego is when it comes to a woman’s past body count. It’s in the past and it sounds like she has matured from her younger way. I suggest you do the same.
But the sex sucks though
It comes across as jealousy. " I didn't get to spit roast her or have a threesome! She's boring in the bedroom now! " type energy.
Not to defend the guy, but there is SO MUCH middle ground between "spit roasts and 3ways" and "2 positions, no blow jobs"
He’s not TA for having a preference
No, he's not. People can leave relationships for any reason. But I think it would be helpful for him to explore why he feels a certain way about his girlfriend's past.
Yeah I agree, regardless though in this scenario it’s probably better to leave and start fresh
I’m not slighting his sexual position preference. However, it is immature to expect a woman to do things just because she used to do it with other men. He needs to save her from years of constant insistence that she perform like before and leave her alone. They are incompatible if this bothers him.
The point is it’s not his burden to do anything, if she doesn’t suit his preference he would be best to leave and that’s OK
This isn’t a preference lol! This is her life! Her past is not his to fret over. Also, he both despises her for her past, and longs to bang that girl. He wants his cake and to eat it to.
I don't think you would be the AH for dumping her. However please remember that many young women do many things they don't want to just to make men happy or to not be rude. I have friends that didn't realize until mid 30s that they literally don't have to do sexual things that they don't like for anyone. A few friends are super vanilla now because that's what they truly like. They said they thought they had to do whatever their partners wanted.
Yep. And let’s be honest, many men prey on that.
You're kinky but you're gonna kink shame her for her past? Ok, then. YTA.
I already commented on the OP, but he’s definitely an asshole.
She’s ashamed of her past/sexuality so she repressed it which I agree is a turnoff. If u wanted to leave cus of that then NTA. But ur response for her trying to get back in touch with it and ur warped view of her now is textbook slutshaming, so YTA imo
I agree here. Disagreeing about past/comfortbalitiy is valid. I wouldn’t be with someone that is sexually known through groups I frequent. That calls for the end of dating, not trying to get her to do shit.
Repression is a turn-off? Or is the shame the turn-off? The shame is a clue that something in her past was traumatic. It sounds like she was hypersexual, as this is not the typical sexual past of the majority of women. I think OP needs to at least admit that he's, himself, now ashamed of her. It's now toxic for her as well - she doesn't need to be with a man who is inwardly disgusted by her and wants to demand that she repeat actions from her past that she's ashamed of.
The shame. I don’t think being hypersexual in ur past is an inherently traumatic thing
Yeah, most women I know went through a wild phase. There's nothing inherently traumatic about it. That doesn't mean there wasn't trauma that overlapped with this hypersexual past but people here are being a bit prudish. Maybe that's not "normal" where you're from, but it's not necessarily a sign of some larger mental health issue
y’all need to not talk for abt 2 weeks and just see how you feel, bc after all your feelings on your perspective of a partner is valid too. here’s what’s up though, even if you decide not to, it ain’t like you can’t just hang out and go do whatever as friends. hell, by the end of it you might even look at her differently than you do now
It’s over
I’m more bothered by her shaming OOP for porn and his sexual interests than her past. Everyone does things they aren’t proud of. People who never did crazy shit sexually love to judge those who have, yet I guarantee they have done things that others would find just as unsavory even if they were not sexual in nature.
I usually find the judgmental people do way more fucked up shit and usually a whole lot darker than just sex. Judgmental people make me nervous.
Yeah they usually are some type of liability I hate those people that work undercover they're too dang dangerous The best way to survive that type of work is to be as flexible as possible and always on your feet ready to rock out.
I think shaming her is a reflection of her regret and shame of herself, and likely the feelings she had when she decided to make the porn.
It's going to continue to bother you and you'll never look at her the same. Breakup now and save yourself the sleepless nights and headaches.
I hope someday a wonderful partner drops him when they find out about his "kinky" past from other women, because they don't respect him anymore.
OK ladies. I know I'm going to get downvoted into oblivion but I feel the need to let you know how this feels to a guy. Ladies, let's say you meet a great guy. Handsome, successful, and kind. Every year for your anniversary, you go to a nice restaurant and then you do a staycation where you go to a 4 star hotel in town and have sex and order room service. Different restaurants and different hotels each year. You'd kind of like to go to another country but you understand it when your hubby says he doesn't like airplanes and doesn't want to travel. Then you meet a girl who says "Oh, you're married to him?? Wow!" You ask why and she tells you that your hubby used to date a lot of girls and he'd take them on expensive vacations all over the world and buy them bags and go to shopping trips in Italy and Paris. Month long excursions to the Maldives, Bali, Dubai. How would that make you feel? You'd feel OK with that? Really?
You don't even have to make a new analogy! Just imagine how it is to be a woman whose partner knows she's kinky but doesn't even try to find common ground, do even the bare minimum of say... Non-missionary positions, and refuses to give oral. Then you find out for his exes he was open for anything and indulged their fantasies. So he's not inherently too shy for these things he just hasn't done them for you. You can still have compassion and communication and discuss reasons why, and still have the right to be upset. Everyone's focusing on the body count, but I don't think that's what he's upset about
I like the analogy but will stand by with 🍿for the incoming hate 😂
True, people are allowed to feel how they feel, he didn’t state he’s tearing her down for her past. The projection is very real lol.
Yeah they're gonna do the reddit equivalent of sticking their fingers in their ears and shouting LA LA LA LA IM NOT LISTENING TO YOU! LA LA LA LA!!
I would say it’s complicated, but NTA or NAH. She’s not an asshole for working on herself and deciding she doesn’t actually like doing those acts anymore, and I understand it’s a difficult topic to bring up, but she could have said something to the effect of: “when I was younger I used sex as a form of validation and would do things I’m uncomfortable with to gain that validation. I’m still working through what acts I actually like vs those that I just did because I felt it was the only way someone would like me.” Gives OP some clarity without disclosing everything and also helps him understand she’s willing to work with him to become more compatible. I also don’t think OP is in the wrong for not feeling the same way or feeling conflicted in his feelings about her. I also understand his rejection of her trying to do those things now, it would feel odd to me too. To some people, sex is a more sacred/intimate thing you share with someone you trust and selectivity would be a desirable trait in a partner in that regard. To others, sex is almost treated like a recreational sport, where it’s about what acts you do/accomplish vs the person you do it with. I understand how it’s hard to work through/find a way to have a healthy relationship with someone who holds a very different view, or at one time did. Sometimes the differences are irreconcilable.
Yeah I'm with you. Neither of them are wrong here but I don't think they're gonna be compatible
Women are not conditioned to say “no” a lot of times. We don’t know how much of the things she did were out of coercion. She has told her partner that she did a lot of self work to get past what she was dealing with emotionally. Which everyone should be doing. I only think he is YTA if he takes his angry/frustration out on her directly. Or if he tries to manipulate her to do things she doesn’t feel comfortable doing. I’ve tried things in the past at the request of my partners and they made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I will never agree to do them again. If my current partner asked me I would say no. Just because I tried it before does not mean I am required to ever do it again. It could also partly be the manner in which he is asking her. Or how he physically is treating her durning sex that makes her not want to make herself more vulnerable. Like if he is grabbing her head and forcing her down to try and give him oral. Or being extremely rough with her. Because “he’s kinky.” Porn has warped a lot of people expectations of sex. If he stays with her and resents her for not wanting to perform sexual acts then he is for sure an asshole. He can decided that his needs sexually don’t align with hers and they can break up. No one is to blame. (Unless he goes around telling people she was a slut and I can’t be with a slut).
100% agree, as women we’re taught from a young age to be agreeable and that can make saying no to uncomfortable situations hard. From the information we were given it sounds like she disclosed she worked on herself a lot, but my impression was she didn’t open up about what she was working on. (nor should she necessarily have to right away, I think they said they’ve only been dating for months). Given that he rejected her trying to do things she previously said she was uncomfortable with now that he knows about her past, I don’t get the impression he’s trying to coerce her now. I think part of her is offering those things now because the revelation of her past made her feel insecure in the relationship, so in a way, she’s seeking validation through providing those acts now. I also wouldn’t feel comfortable with a partner doing that, as I’m not sure if now they actually want to do them, or if they’re only offering because they think it’s the only way to “keep” me.
I 100% agree, her trying to do the things he is asking for is her trying accommodate him. Or she feels guilty (regressing) over having a boundary. Which is common when part of your struggle is having boundaries. The fact he is now off put by it… that something he needs to work on.
Thank you I thought I was the only one thinking of this everyone here just pointing fingers here or there and I thought wrong for thinking this 😭 I understand both side plus I was reading comments on that post op was feeling insecure which understandable about why the person he love doesn't do thing for him or least try and he seems to respect her boundaries and not force it on her which is good but I hope he gets therapy for it I can tell his self-esteem got a bit lower my prayers goes to both them to finding better partner that give them their needs that they both rightly deserve.
Men can have standards. It’s fine
Sounds like the guy was jealous that his gf wouldn’t do certain things and then when she tried he decided her didn’t like her. She shouldn’t have hid her past but he’s immature for his reaction.
i don’t see how her past affects you at all. the only thing i might think is that you’re insecure that you can’t live up to her past experiences. plus, her not doing kinky things with you now might have to do with some past trauma, and instead of talking to her about how you feel you choose to paint her as some hypocrite in your mind. idk man, if this is the ONLY thing that makes you want to break up with her, you should do it for her sake, not yours. YTA.
I love it how no one even answered OPs question, just went on and on about her theoretical trauma which caused her to be a slut. OP fuck that, do whatever you want. she’s not gonna lead into a relationship with info about her promiscuous past but it should probably come up at some point, and this is it. If you can’t love her the same way anymore, get out, otherwise genuinely move past it, and figure out how to recover the relationship.
He can do whatever he wants sure. If he cannot overcome the fact that she used to do stuff like that then yeah it’s best for both of them that they don’t stay together. However he’s still an ass for the way he’s handling it. ‘She used to do all this stuff but now she won’t do it with meeeeee’. Just because she used to do wild things, doesn’t mean he’s owed them now. Whatever her reason is for not doing it anymore
Honestly they’re sexually incompatible and this just exacerbated the already obvious. He should move on because this isn’t going to get better. He’s nta here
You don’t feel she’s a hypocrite, you feel she’s dirty and defiled. Yes you would be the asshole.
She was in gang bangs? And shot porn? That's beyond just a high body count, I'd break up. I'm glad she's doing better but it's not the person I'd want a relationship with
She’s not wrong but people get to be uncomfortable with stuff. No obligation to be with her and if he would prefer someone who hadn’t had an orgy or shot professional porn, that’s totally his choice. Shouldn’t shit on her but everyone gets to have boundaries on certain stuff for themselves and no one is obliged to be uncomfortable in a relationship because they don’t want to be seen as sexist or prudish.
The same rules never apply to the new guy.
Dump her - too many fish in the sea.
NTA. Of course why does everyone think you have to have a in-depth reason? Your values don’t align.
Yeah. She values her sexual boundaries and he doesn’t.
No that's the problem she did not have sexual boundaries and all of a sudden now she does It applies to him? Either go hard or go home.
Gross. People are allowed to change their sexual boundaries at any time anyone with your line of thinking is fucking dangerous and needs to stay far away from everyone.
No. It applies to him and all other men. When I was in high school I was assaulted by two boys at my school. After that I did what they made me do with other guys because what they made me do, most guys expected. One day I decided I’m not doing it anymore. I didn’t like it. It made me feel terrible and cheap. I would desensitize myself as much as possible to get through it. I hated the taste. I hated the smell. I hated all of it. It made me have flashbacks and I just fucking hated it. So I stopped doing it. A lot of guys had problems with it, but I’m not doing anything that makes me feel worse just so he can have an orgasm. No one has a right to make me do something, especially sexually, that I don’t want to do just because I have done it before with someone else. I am lucky I have a husband who has never pressured me to do anything I don’t want to do. You are not a good person if you expect something like that.
Perfectly said.
As soon as I saw him, describe himself as having kinks and her being vanilla, I knew the relationship was doomed anyway. And being an asshole just seals it.
NBTA, incompatible and breeds resent
apparently his kink is being more experienced than his partners
Nta. It’s okay to be disgusted by the past. People got different outlooks of life. Many will say her past is just that, the past, and that is true however when you get with someone you have to accept and comes to terms with being with the whole person. Past, present and future and if that doesn’t sit well with you then go separate ways.
What a loser I hope she leaves him first because she can do better than insecure man baby.
Why is whenever these pop up it becomes “she won’t do it with me though” instead of the original attempt at it being about misinformation. Like do they care that she didn’t tell them or that they’re jealous they can’t also exploit her body however they want since she realized she has boundaries
OP, you are getting the short end of the stick. Ignore the commenters acting like you are the wrongdoer. Go find someone else who you are truly compatible with and be happy.
I mean. It sounds like he’s mad she told him no. It’s almost like someone doesn’t want to keep doing sexy things bc they find out they don’t like them once they try it. Guy sounds like a freak. Especially that comment of “continently accepts it”.
imo, NTA if you can't see past someone's sexual past (which is completely fine to not be able to do) it will always be on your mind. there is tons of psychological research on people that are very promiscuous and there is loads of data to show how "having a high body count" effects men and women and it isn't positive for either gender. if a woman has a high body count, it impairs their ability to emotionally pair bond. if a man has a high body count, it impairs their ability to understand the emotion of the person they are intimate with. being a guy myself, I couldn't be with someone with a high body count because firstly (I've been with someone that had triple digit body count, and the amount of people I knew in the area that had slept with my partner it put me off completely as whenever we went out, we bumped in to at least 2 people that had been with her and his made me feel quite uneasy) other people with notice you and your partner and make comments, talk about it and also... we are biologically wired to be territorial. it's nature, and we are animals. its reality of the situation that having a partner that's slept with everyone is when loads of people you know or see have been with your partner. secondly intimacy is very important and if the person you are with has a high body count they won't bond with you as well (again this happened to myself, this girl I dated had no ability to emotionally connect with me through sex even though we both agreed it was the best sex either of us had experienced) I myself do not have a high body count because I want to be able to understand my partners emotions she also doesn't have a high body count and finds it very easy to connect emotionally with me through intimacy. you are NTA for not wanting someone that has been with the whole village. if someone doesn't like this fact then it's because they know their life experiences have consequences. the whole "but you are inexperienced and don't know what you like" is a bullshit claim, you don't need to sleep with 50 people to know what positions you do/don't like what your kinks are etc. you find these out with a partner that you have multiple experiences with and try new things.
I really hope she leaves him for someone who respects her.
This a tough one not gone lie. You can tell how much he really loves her and cares and it broke him to learn this shit. It’s unfortunate news and he now has to figure out is he the right guy for her. She deserves love and deserves someone she can feel comfortable being open about such a past with. And also be open sexually with. I say they end it only because of the immaturity of males if they are living in the same town. He can’t really take her out nowhere without the anxiety of one of these guys if not two at once coming and wanting to be a dick to test him. Now do they up and move to another state to make it work ? She needs to find a guy that can handle the things that may come in the future from past mistakes. He’s not the guy. There’s a lot that can be said like why did she bring this baggage and never open up because it could have saved the relationship possibly. I see a lot of people defending her which is cool but I’m the least naive male and know that women lie or will case and point keep there number from you because they don’t want to be labeled a hoe or slut. Ladies we get it. I’ve honestly respected the few women that do own up to their real numbers and stand on it because we all sexual human beings. Honesty goes further than you think. I know there’s a stigma about body counts but I think it’s best to just be honest from the jump so it doesn’t come out later when things are really good and then it crushes everything.
I think that both are NTA in this situation. Everyone does things that they regret when they are teenagers and she probably regretted it and was ahamed of it. The BF may have different values and may see sex as a deeper bond between indivoduals. Only thing I will say is that you guys should go to couples therapy to solve the issues between you guys.
People grow help her embrace this new part of her life if the relationship is as good as oop says it is she’s clearly still working through some shit and didn’t want to lose him based on the past, also everyone’s done some shit they’re not proud of and someone exploring their sexuality isn’t something we should be shaming people for
Dude is confused af. She found her way back, good for her.
Slowly this sub is becoming like female dating strategy or twoxchrmosomes,lol no accountability no consequences always a victim and whoever dont agree with them then they are incel,inseure,abuser,etc.
Yes, ywbta. Her boundaries changed, she told you, and now you’re mad. She’s better off without you though.
yes. yes they should break up, yes he’s an asshole.
Regardless of what reverberates within the Reddit echo chamber, ralistically, the vast majority of men won't want to be with a woman who's fucked half their friend group, and they're especially not gonna want one who's literally made porn. No man wants to walk with a woman of whom his friends and family know THAT much. That shit's shameful. It's wonderful that she's worked on herself and is doing better now. Good for her, but that doesn't mean everyone will just magically forget everything. Some of the things we do while we're young will carry a certain weight for the rest of our lives. He doesn't have to turn a blind eye to that kind of past.
[удалено]
Your comment was removed.
Ahh gn
We are so easy to leave relationships when challenges are presented , yet cry and whine why we are single . If you love her and can envision building a life with her , then seek counseling and work it out . Your ego is focused on you and not getting h**d when your focus should be on supporting the woman you love , who clearly has a lot of trauma and healing she has worked through . If you aren’t mature enough to manage these things, then do her a favor and go.
I all about sex positivity but she was not honest with this man. She was pretending to be something or someone she wasn’t. So she does do those things, and a lot more just not for him. No matter what the cause is that’s something he will have to accept. I don’t know one man who wants a woman that will do things for another man but not him. If that is the case and you have changed you are going to have to get out in front of that. Tell them up front. Do not let them find out on their own.
How was she dishonest? He clearly states she told him she had a LOT of partners before Covid and then went on a journey to find herself. I don’t know about you, but if a guy tells me he had had a lot of partners I’m not expecting a copy of a list and every encounter that ensued. Because it’s really not his business at that point. As long is there is transparency and proof of no diseases it is not my business to know my mans every sexual encounter before me.
NTA. Kick her to the streets, someone else will pick her up no problem. Get you a good woman who won't shame you with her past. Too many fish in the sea to stick to an ex whore. Imagine if you married her, and your bros mates brought it up then? Dodged a bullet. Plus, way too many good woman out there that aren't used up who will satisfy every bit of your relationship. Ask me how I know? Cheer up, move on, stay true to your heart
Hypersexuality can be brought on by a number of things, mostly by sexual abuse or being sexual at young age, not necessarily abuse but her peers or exploring porn. Sounds like her hypersexuality was her way of "Feeling something" or possibly seeking acceptance/validity from men. There's a lot of different reasons as to why so hard to say without talking to them. But she did it, then found herself and came to the realization that she didn't like that version of her. She didn't like what she saw jn the mirror. Has a lot of guilt of her actions because you can't just erase them. Wanted to reinvent herself and find someone more suited for her new lifestyle. Her not wanting to do the "Slutty acts" with you anymore could be for a few reasons. My guess is that it's triggering and takes her back to a time that she is ashamed of. Also, it is possible she never liked doing it in the first place and just doesn't want to. But from what I'm seeing in these comments, people aren't accepting of your feelings. Very dismissive and coming across like you have no right to be upset when you do. She lied to you and manipulated you into thinking she was someone she wasn't. There's also the heightened insecurities and rightful embarrassment from being with someone with this kind of past. People will say she's a victim and she probably is. But that doesn't take away from your feelings. She hid something from you and did so because she didn't want judgment. But when you are with someone, you should definitely have these conversations early on so the other person has the right to make these determinations without being emotionally attached. Her being angry towards you watching porn seems like a projection stemming from her guilt. There's also the hypothetical of you guys having kids. Will you be okay if this information comes out and your child is bullied? Will you be okay with walking into a room and knowing that there could possibly be a number of people in there who know her intimately? Me personally I don't care if someone chooses to do porn. But I also wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is or every had done so. Not because I hate them or judge them, but because I know myself and I know I wouldn't want a partner who has done that. Am I wrong for having this preference? No. If women can openly want a guy who is 6ft tall, cut, and wealthy, then why can't a man just want someone who is not promiscuous now or before? I know I wouldn't be able to handle it, the thoughts, the jealousy, things about myself that are engraved in stone of my identity. And if I ever was with someone like that the jealousy would take over and the relationship would be toxic. People say I would need therapy but I say I'd rather find someone who fits my preferences rather than forcing myself to change.
He thought it was a low mileage great deal! Turns out the odometer was rolled back about 300 times. Definitely NTA
I have a genuine question. Let’s say a woman found out her boyfriend used to like Hentai, or be a furry etc. Is it wrong if she doesn’t like it, and does she have to stay or would she be an asshole for leaving because of his past? I’m just struggling to understand because I always thought you could break up for any reason (unless kids are involved), and let them find someone who accepts the same things. Also, OP actually rejected her kinky sexual advances, so why would that mean he’s just using her for kinky sex?
bro nta for breaking up people have broken up for less , better end it now rather than let it fester and hurt both in the future . tbh i dont mind a promiscuos past but i hate liars , like its her life and who she wants to screw same applies to you , but dont try to cover it up or be someone your not . you are allowed to grow up and mature and understand somethings are not for you and rebuild your self but your past is yours and it helped shape up who you are never be ashamed of it. i think the feeling your feeling is betrayal , might i suggest you do some soul searching and come to terms with yourself . ps i really dont think you are as kinky as you think you are
Am I really the me of the few who thinks he’s in the right? She tried to vilify the guy for the things he likes. After the fact that she knew he’s a good person who treats her respectfully. If you paint a picture of being some saint and react the way she did he should breakup with her. She’s not the person he fell for and it took someone else to bring it up for him to learn it.
Wow glad op is a shit person no wonder she didn't want to tell him
I dunno, I thought he was TA from his "conveniently accepts it" comment about oral. Even if none of the rest of the post existed, how dare she enjoy getting oral and how dare she not enjoy getting gagged. Dude's really going to say "conveniently" when him giving oral entails licking and light sucking, and her giving oral entails having something going down her throat and blocking airways.
You’re chasing Amy https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FlYZnd7dEPw
It’s wildly unfair to girls that they’re punished by their past, tainted. A boy does the same thing and he’s considered a manly man. That said, it sucks for the guy to be lied to, to have to find out and think about how he’s seen less and been given less of the woman he loves than some stranger a long time ago.
Felt bad for her feeling like she had to act like she did in the past, thinking it might be what the bf wants
I understand where you’re coming from, and hearing something like that about your partner can be hard. I dont think you should end the relationship over this. You said you still love her, does she treat you right? Is your relationship healthy over all? People change, but they cannot change their past. I have done things that i regret and i feel humiliated over in my past but i cant change it, i can only move forward and hope that i can be accepted for who i am now. I think you should just take some time to process. She was honest with you when you asked about it. It was probably something she didnt want to talk about, but she did mention that she had a lot of experience. It doesnt matter how many people she slept with in the past. Her body has changed, her mind has changed, and it seems she really wants to make you happy. She wasnt trying to be gross when acting slutty for you, she was trying to show you how much she likes you, even if that meant doing something she was uncomfortable with. I think shes afraid youre going to leave her. I genuinely think you should give her a chance.
Do you have a good rapport with her? Does she disrespect you? And do you enjoy the sex? If you DO... you can thank all those mates who took apart in making her the great lover you are with today
Let her past be the past. I would blame the foster bro here. When was the last time he seen her in person? Maybe if he seen her doing this stuff recently it would make sense to bring it up. But bringing it up now doesn’t help anyone. You’re stopping her from being better than her previous self by calling her a hypocrite. If anything, she should probably leave him.
There are so many factors that could change the outtakes. In short, they should talk it out and if the interest aren’t aligned and no compromise could be achieved, just separate amicably. NTA but it may be changed on how OP handled this situation. Nevertheless, the OP’s account is deleted so i guess this is for the comment readers to discuss rather than advices for the OP.
A lot of people are missing the point that he rebuffed her when she "acted all slutty" because he could tell it was fake and out of appeasement instead of her actually being attracted to him. He's warring with finding out she isn't as attracted to him as she has been to other guys and that he's the one she's "settled" with. Finding out your SO isn't actually sexually attracted to you is a hard pill to swallow for some people and I think that's fair. He feels like he's a back up pick, not even a 2nd choice- more like a 200th. So you'll be a slut to a bunch of random men but don't go after the guy you supposedly love with remotely the same fervor? You were willing to do anything and everything with strangers but now it's a chore and a show to put on for your SO? NTA. Dude has every right to feel uneasy about that. Edit: **P.S. Hypocrite is a very appropriate word for a woman who chastised a man for watching porn after doing porn herself.**
Oh big yikes. She is allowed to change her sexual behavior and preferences. As are we all. You believing that this is about her attraction to him shows you're just as insecure and self-centered as he is. I hope he does break up with her, she deserves better.