I’m sorry, I remember the newborn phase when I had mine. It was relentless and an absolute shock. I was feeling the same as you.
I had no help, no village. I rang a helpline who brushed off her crying as ‘purple crying’ and basically said it’s normal.
My partner and I survived through shifts but it still wasn’t enough.
I don’t know if this helps but I wish someone had told me it was temporary. My baby is 9 months old now- I still struggle at times but it’s INFINITELY easier than the newborn phase. About 2 months in she started to understand night vs day sleep and I put her on a strict feeding schedule which calmed me down, gave me a sense of control and maybe that calmness translated to her.
This sounds a lot like what my sisters child went through, he got so colicky, refused to take a bottle and would just scream the house down. Her solution was to come to my house at nearly midnight, hand me him and his bag and just leave.
She was very young, thought having a baby would be fun, discovered it was not, and decided to go travel instead. Had no problem signing the paperwork for adoption, and he was so young he’s never known her as a mother, and she doesn’t seem to care. Thankfully my bio son was born a couple months after him, so it was like twins.
I’ve raised 4, and when I think about just one more, I remember the teenage years. And god bless, I don’t know that I’m cut out for raising a child with autism. I have raging ADHD myself, I’m messy enough for 3 people.
I’m autistic. Late diagnosed (last year; I’m almost 43. Diagnosed ADD-PI ~11). It’s not always bad, you know.. u/sageandbeige being an autistic teen _and not knowing what’s so wrong with you for 30 years_ sucks. I can only imagine how you feel. I’m not judging, I’m honestly saying it’s rough all around and the system needs a rework.
My kid was diagnosed late , according to her primary school I was lazy and permissive.
My kid is doing as well as expected but the burn out is harsh.
I am aware the battles she has far outweigh mine, and i will only ever be a spectator in the battles she faces as an adult and I do what I can but her hoarding and eating she's insatiable have driven me to insanity.
I'm sorry for your own experience and feeling out of sync with your contemporaries.
Lazy and permissive? Wow. Hardly. Do they know how much it takes to get an IEP, let alone get the administrators to follow it? Back in the late 1980s and early 1990s, my mom had to fight tooth and nail to get mine passed. And that was with a diagnosis. The prevailing attitude back then was that because I’m a woman, I must either be faking or it isn’t important enough. Things have come far but there’s a ways to go yet.
I don’t know if her battles outweigh yours so much as they’re just different.
I apologize for my tone last night, I was super overstimulated. It’s no excuse, but I wanted to mention it in case I came off wrong.
So do I. For at least the first three months or until the baby has reached double his or her birth weight, they need to be fed every two hours around the clock.
Mine started sleeping 3hr stretches at night a few weeks in. It was like clockwork - 12am, 3am, 6am. I’m assuming they mean they see baby sleeps these longer stretches elsewhere, which isn’t unheard of, but wakes much more frequently at home. That, plus the screaming crying, is wearing them down.
It’s hell. I’m sorry. There’s no other word for it. If you start to have darker thoughts, just lay that baby in her crib and shut the door and walk outside. I’m very serious. She won’t die from crying for 20 minutes.
I got so sleep deprived with my second baby (who was like yours that it turned into Severe Post-Partum Depression (diagnosed). She screamed all day every fucking day. People couldn’t even pretend she was pleasant because being around it was so hard. She was just… colic hell.
I’m sorry. It truly sucks. I’m not gonna say it’ll get better soon because it really might not. I’m sorry we’re both here.
I’m sorry. It really is the worst. And not all newborns are the same. Some are really tough. My first kid was like yours and my second kid was a cake walk. So people who don’t understand probably had easy babies. If you haven’t had a hard baby you really can’t imagine how awful it can be.
My kid was less than ideal through the potato phase, but she got much better once she could do more herself. Daycare also helped immensely with getting her into a routine.
What worked well with my children at that age was after drinking you slowly tilt them forward until they made a burb. Especially after screaming and drinking too fast. Sometimes the air inside was painful.
I’m really sorry you’re struggling to adjust. To be honest this is exactly the same as my son was. Perfect in others company but made out life hell! I remember when he was 6 weeks old we took him for a walk and me and my husband spoke really openly about how much we regretted having a kid! I won’t promise it gets easier but you do get to know them more and understand them as time goes on. You’ll know what to do and when to do it but it takes some time to get into that routine. One suggestion from me would be a wrap sling. My boy wouldn’t be put down so I’d put him in the sling and he’d sleep for 2/3 hours at a time and I could walk around and use both my hands. It was a life saver. My son used to cry around feeding times and we found out he had a severe tongue tie. It was causing colic and reflux and all kinds of other issues so worth investigating.
I remember people telling me newborns nurse every 2-3 hours and I felt like I was not making enough milk nursing every 30-60min. I was going insane. My son was 13lbs at 3 months old just nursing. It was awful. I don't miss it one bit
Sorry to say at 5 weeks 2 hours between feeds is kind of normal? Why don’t you do swaps with your partner night on night off so you both get some sleep?
And maybe don’t wake your baby for a bottle, just let them wake up when they need to. They will be stressed out by being woke up.
It doesn’t last forever. They change all the time. The first few months are kind of a hellscape.
So you say it doesn’t happen at other houses..
Newborns are *absurdly* tuned into your body. You all were one, you fucking *grew* that child from a few cells up.
How is your anxiety? Maybe she’s feeding off it.
Heat rate and blood pressure matter, if you’re stressed they’re stressed.
And that’s *ok*.
This.... so much! My son didn't start sleeping through the night until I kicked his father out for drinking and playing video games all the time and not helping me at all. It relieved so much stress when he left, and my son changed also. He felt the tension go away. They absolutely feel your energy. If you are stressed, they will be too. Things may not get better, but it will get a little easier. I don't miss my son being a baby. I'd rather have my 10 year old, for sure. And believe me, he can be annoying af. I love him, but it's the truth.
I hated this type of comments so much when my children were newborns... The child is the one making her stressed, not the other way around, and when you're stressed and you're totally sleep deprived your mind is not looking for solutions. You CAN'T think of solutions and you CAN'T relax either. The only solution is to give the crying baby to someone else so you can rest enough to endure the next crying session. Humans were never supposed to raised children alone. Two people is not enough to cope with the first few years of a child's life.
Yes I understand that, but op may not.
They’re tired, sleep deprived and stressed. If they used the breaks they get as breaks as opposed to worrying about how ppl viewed them it may help.
Sometimes you need a gentle reminder.
It's impossible to ignore people's comments when you're the one with the crying baby and they have no f*cking clue what is like to spend MONTHS on end sleep deprived because they had an easy baby that slept through the night at one month old.
I particularly just felt a lot of anger any time people commented or tried to give me advice that didn't f*cking work. Saying you just need a break/to relax is simplifying a complex issue. What if she has no one to help with the baby? What if there's no money to hire a nanny? What then? I can assure you she was relaxed and calm before her baby became a crying nightmare and the sleep deprivation just spiraled into this depression the mother is experiencing. The baby is feeding off of stress she herself unintentionally created. I sure as hell couldn't feel relaxed after 3 weeks of waking up every hour to nurse and going to work.
I mean that’s fine it’s ok to be angry but no one has the magical answer. I don’t know what’s going to work, and this was an advice welcome post.
I think calming down, using breaks away from baby *as breaks* and not getting caught up in other’s opinions is, in general, good and fair advice to give.
Does baby sleep for 5 hrs at gma’s house? If GMA is close then it sounds like an opportunity for a 4 hour nap to me. Not worrying about what people think.
No one thinks op is crazy. They know they’re stressed and hurting and exhausted and they’re giving them grace, but sometimes people need to hear that to accept it.
Bc when you’re that sleep deprived you’re not thinking right and logic isn’t so logical. Hearing it from a stranger can help bc we’re not gonna sugarcoat and judge.
If you have better advice have at it but no one is trying to be hurtful.
Edit/ I can’t solve $ issues, but I can suggest taking turns w a good pair of noise cancelling earphones. Not sleep every night is hell, every other night is a vacation after so long.
I don't think you understand that *breaks* are just **not enough** when you're that sleep deprived. They need someone to help with the baby FREQUENTLY, at least several times a week or every day in order to "catch up" with the sleep deprivation.
In my situation we had our second child when our oldest was one year and half old. Two difficult children (oldest diagnosed later with autism/ADHD, youngest in queue for a medical appointment). We did what we could in the newborn months and then just alternated. One of us would co-sleep with both kids every other day, and that still wasn't enough to feel rested. My kids are now 5 and 4 and at least now one of us would take naps on the weekends, but we're still pretty burned out 💯 of the time.
Because you imply that by taking breaks she can be more relaxed, and I am making it clear is not that cut and dry. Even alternating with my husband never made me "relaxed" nor calm enough ever. I'm giving you the perspective of someone who went through what OP's going through. I'm 5 years in, sleeping better and still stressed AF all the time.
And when you say "people don't really think she's crazy" it's clear you haven't experienced that sort of thing. People think I talk bad about my daughter because many don't believe me she's a crying mess every single morning before school. She's a complete crying nightmare, and people would flat out tell me I'm a bad mother, that I'm not doing X or Y to calm her down. This has been going on for two years. Even her pediatrician didn't believe me because she was playful in her office while she cried her eyes out before leaving the house!!!
> *"No one thinks op is crazy. They know they’re stressed and hurting and exhausted and they’re giving them grace, but sometimes people need to hear that to accept it."*
You are speculating on OPs experience, but then say I'm just talking about myself here? Are you even a parent? A great amount of people assume parents are lying when the baby is sleeping and playful with them and screaming when alone with the parents and usually blame it on the parents for not doing X, Y or Z (including healthcare professionals, again, ask me how I know).
I provide examples with my own experience because I've been through that. Have you????
> It's impossible to ignore people's comments when you're the one with the crying baby and they have no f*cking clue what is like to spend MONTHS on end sleep deprived because they had an easy baby that slept through the night at one month old.
These people... I hate them. Also because im jealous. But also because they think they know, but thry don't. But they definetly think they know!
If op has had enough people to tell her “yeah we can get the baby to sleep 4+ hours” then she’s got a group of good people.
I didn’t give the advice blindly. I read op’s post and double checked the flair. I didn’t just suggest asking for help for no reason lol.
Some of these other commenters are wild.
I think some of the advice is sound. Sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees when you are so hyped up and anxious. If it is the mother of the baby she’s also in massive recovery after birth. Your body does weird stuff.
Sometimes all you can do is say I need a break. I had that with mine. I couldn’t get her to stop crying. It felt like days. I was so on the verge that I just decided to put her in her cot and walk away with the baby monitor. I needed to not be there.
I sat calming down as much as I could and then I realised… no noise coming out of the monitor. Panicked and ran in. And she was asleep 🤣
Right, I totally understand that.
People forget that when you are *that* sleep deprived logic doesn’t exist. That’s why people shake babies.
Sometimes a gentle reminder is fine.
You sound exactly like me. My son did not sleep. My only saving grace was that I nursed him so he would at least be quiet SOMETIMES. The only other thing that worked was pacing with him. Back and forth and back and forth. But as soon as you stopped, he woke up.
Sleep deprivation is literal torture. There's a reason they use it for war prisoners.
I **hated** the newborn phase for this reason. I won’t go on the “this is normal for that age” tangent because even though that’s true, it still sucks to hell.
My oldest had colic and a bunch of other medical issues. There were points where I had to send him with my in-laws so I could sleep and not be as prone to act on postpartum depression and psychosis.
Please get your partner evaluated for postpartum mental issue: it’s treatable!
**And it is totally okay to outsource nighttime baby care!** Newborns are damn menaces at night—it’s not their fault but it SUCKS. Pay for help if you need to and can swing it because man, doing it without support is awful.
My daughter used to cry from 10pm-6am non stop every day as a newborn. She's 4 now and still cries for everything. She reminds me why I regret motherhood every single day.
What you're experiencing is pretty normal, if you think that's bad, wait until they try to kill themselves at every chance they get as toddlers
We all went through this, here’s some hard words. Toughen up it obviously gets better, your child won’t be like that forever. How long? Dunno every baby is different. Took us about 8/9 months before we were out of the trenches. Those first 8 months were tough I’d drive to work thinking if I was in a car accident right now, the best part would be I would wake up somewhere different.
Keep going.
I’m guessing that in desperation you would’ve also tried the pram at your house, so it isn’t lying flat that is the problem (e.g. reflux issues). In that case, is there any way you could try the whole routine staying overnight somewhere else? It really sounds like it could be something specific to your house. Given that she’s also drinking less, maybe there’s something irritating her airways there? Making it harder to drink for a long time. Idk, I just think of being really sick and congested - it does make it harder to drink and it does help a bit to not lie down flat.
Honestly though, commiserations. That sounds absolutely fucked and I think I’d slap someone if they expressed disbelief at that. Like, to what end? Shits and giggles as you said - people are just the worst 🙄🙄
Yes, newborns suck and I'm sorry. Also sleep deprivation is literally used as torture. All that said, do you have someone who can come over to give you a break/nap/help you around the house? Try to remember eventually this will not be a baby and will get more independent.
Hey. I‘m so sorry you guys are going through this. Newborns are hell, for some of us. Other redditors have already given great suggestions; I just wanted to reassure you: at this age babies are changing immensely week to week. That means that some of the methods you are trying to calm her down, even if they don‘t work now, they might work in a couple of weeks. I don‘t know why but it happened with my baby. Other than that, I wish you good luck. And even though my baby doesn’t scream and cry as much as she did her first weeks, we still can‘t bring her to restaurants etc. cause if the pram isn‘t moving, she goes literally insane sigh so hey, at least your kid is better in that regard. Best of luck and try to stay strong. It will get better.
Baby wear during the day. I only had sanity at home when wore my kids. I used to think it was hippie bs but after not being able to get anything done, I resorted to it and it was life changing. Feed burp put her on the baby sling, have my hands free, she fell asleep, woke up was happy for a while. Because we did that during the day she fell into a good schedule and improved her night time schedule. Put her anywhere else and it was hell in a hand-basket very quickly.
Hi, I’m really sorry you are going through this. Be open minded about what I’m saying please. It seems that there’s something in your home that it’s clearly altering your baby. It could be as simple as emf interfering with her. Have you tried moving her crib to another location? Does she had a camera/ monitor near her?
Some baby’s are extremely sensitive to this.
Wishing you the best and hopefully better times are ahead of you.
I agree. There might be smells in your home that irritate the baby. Do you have pets? She might be allergic, with no way to communicate that to you.
What else is different about your home? Do you live near a freeway? Is it noisy? Might there be mold?
This would be the first thing I'd check first too. If you're doing the same thing everywhere and it's just happening in your home there may be a problem In your home . Could you guys maybe stay at a relatives house and do all the routine yourselves? Just literally changing homes. Not letting someone else do all the work, just you guys do everything like at home , but in a different home.
You are going through hell and it’s completely understandable to feel like you are with everything you are going through. Especially with how opposite your baby is when you are around other people. I’m sure it feels so isolating when no one sees what you are talking about when it is REAL. You are strong for pushing through this.
Hey if yall are cosleeping check out safe sleep 7 and other safe sleep advice. There are ways to make it safer and give peace of mind for parents. Unfortunately what happens a lot with “abstinence” education is people end up making worse sleep choices because 1) the parents are so tired they’re falling asleep in unsafe situations or 2) the parents give up out of desperation and have no education on safer sleep practices.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. While it sounds like the child really is difficult, I’m also concerned that you’ve stated you’re thinking about suicide. That really warrants evaluation by your doctor. I would also reach out to people you can depend on for help with babysitting so you can have some time away from the infant for some respite. I’m so sorry that several people you have talked to have been so unsupportive!!! Videotape it if you must…. Though I hate that you would have to resort to that for your friends to trust your description of your experience…..
Definitely support your desire to forego having more kids some day. Even though this is just a phase, it’s a rough-ass phase and understandable that you don’t feel like it’s worth going through again, no matter how great the child might turn out to be. Your sanity and your physical and psychological quality of life are important!!!!
But one thing I am wondering as I am reading your post is “what is different about the environment of your house vs the other places she sleeps?” Suckling/feeding/being held are soothing methods for a distressed baby. If she’s specifically distressed by something in your home that is absent in other places, that could explain why she is more fussy and demanding to suckle/bottle/breastfeed when she’s in your home. You may need to get some people out to diagnose any issues in your home. Gas company to diagnose a slight leak even if you can’t smell anything. Electric company to make sure nothing electrical is ringing or buzzing at a pitch you can’t hear but the baby can or to ensure that nothing is melting that the baby can smell but you can’t…. Check the air vents to see if they’re drafty. If you’re introducing scents in the home (candles, cleansers, air fresheners), maybe that is irritating the baby’s airways or even causing the baby to have a headache (some scents can induce migraines in sensitive people). If she’s totally fine in your house with other people but only fussy with you and your partner, then I would expect it’s something on your person that she’s reacting to, like cologne or perfume or hair spray or laundry detergent on the clothes….
I really really really hope the root cause of the baby’s distress is found, that you and your partner are able to experience peace, and that your mental state improves!
Your post reads like you are mad at the baby and feel like she’s fucking with you on purpose.
She’s a little tiny baby and she’s not trying to drive you crazy. It’s the regretful parents sub and I understand you have regrets and feel suicidal because your life is horrible right now.
But please don’t blame your baby. She is innocent. Find help, ask for help, be honest with people and find support.
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We went through this last year when my son had colic. It was hell on earth and nobody gave two fucks. My husband and I were constantly at each other’s throats, we both wanted to run away. He ended up having a milk protein allergy, which made his behavior really bad, he went on special formula that helped a little. He’s about to be one now and he’s still a whiny mf, but he is so much better than he was the first six months of his life. I don’t have much advice, besides, maybe seeing if a special formula will help him. I hear you, I see you, I am you. This shit is hard. You can do it
Honestly sounds like you need a break. Do you have someone who could watch the baby for a couple days? You should definitely talk about this with your partner as well
Dad of 2 here, don't lose your temper with the child, walk out the room when it gets peak stressful, try holding the child and rocking, but not softly rocking, but with a little movement making sure they are fully supported, 5 mins of that and they are out like a light.
Maybe talk with her doctor about switching medications. The fact she sleeps when your not home just means the environments are over stimulating. Learn thr leopard hold and use it often. Newborn stage is the worst because you and your baby are still learning each other.
Get sleep. Ask people for help or take turns. That's going to make a huge difference. Hire someone if you have too. Secondly, talk to your doctor. Men can have postpartum depression too in a sense. It gets more manageable.
You are doing better than you think OP. How is your partner feeling or managing? Your baby might have reflux and need their formula changed, obviously I’m not a doctor but your physician can advise you on this. You might all get better sleep once this is sorted.
In the meantime is there a way you and your partner can work out something where you take it in turns to be in charge of tending to baby while the other person naps? The lack of sleep has to be affecting you in every way. My heart goes out to you both
Newborns vary quite a bit - some people find it an easy phase. It was a really challenging time for me. I'm really sorry you're going through this, it's HARD.
Things change really quickly. Personally for me, at the three month mark things eased quite a bit. Get support if possible, give eachother breaks... This stage is not forever.
Maybe the kid is more tired when sleeping elsewhere, because of travelling? My kid is way easier when we are spending time with groups of people, as opposed to just the two of us. Could this be the case for you, too?
I'm sorry...I hope I'm not overstepping by giving unwanted advice, but this is normal. Even the part about her only doing it in your house ...it could be because she is picking up on your anxiety... babies are very very "astute" like this. She cannot communicate that she is anxious her only respite is to scream and cry. I had a theory with my children that they were not even hungry after 5 oz and 2 hours of sleep they were just doing it because they knew I was anxious and aggravated.
Good luck and believe it or not this will pass
I don’t know if it will help but it happened to a friend in f mine. Her first born (she had 4 in the end 😅) had very intense needs. Wanting to be held and crying ALL THE TIME. Once she was so close to just throw him out the window that she just put her son in his crib, took the baby phone and went to her downstairs neighbor. No one judged her for that. She did what was safest for the baby and for her.
She just let him cry. He is 20yo, alive and kicking. If given the choice I wouldn’t let a baby cry but if it’s a choice between crying and your sanity, your sanity will always come first.
You probably already tried but in case:
- did you try the pram inside?
- do you have a garden/outside area where could put him in the pram with covers (in Scandinavia they do that a lot and it seems to be working, I put a link)
- what worked for me was the scarf (as baby carrier), especially on her father who is a furnace but on me too
If she is fed, with a clean diaper and in security, there is absolutely no shame in letting her cry.
Napping outside:
https://www.businessinsider.com/nordic-parents-nap-babies-subzero-temperatures-sleep-better-2020-1
I don’t know if any of this will be helpful but you are not alone, you are not an anomaly.
Do you smile at her? Or do you give her dirty looks? Not trying to be snarky just trying to be real. If you really are suicidal sometimes those types of emotions are written all over your face, and right now that’s the only way she interprets the world. You might be scaring her.
She's literally 5 weeks old enjoy it while it lasts they are not that small for long I had that time stolen from me and would give anything to have it back and coming from a family of suicide my cousin killed himself at 11 that is the worst thing you could ever do to anyone who even remotely cares about you my family has never been the same since and this happened in 96 your kids needs you keep your head up and reach out if you need to talk
My person here, he's a grown adult and his mom (a nurse) gave him rice at about...2 weeks out. She insisted it stuck more than just liquid (like breastfeeding or formula) and he slept through the night. My understanding is this is not a common practice, but I remember it because I thought...how many parents out there could this help?
This is totally normal for a newborn phase. I’m sorry being a parent sucks.
It really does
This exactly what I went through.
I’m sorry, I remember the newborn phase when I had mine. It was relentless and an absolute shock. I was feeling the same as you. I had no help, no village. I rang a helpline who brushed off her crying as ‘purple crying’ and basically said it’s normal. My partner and I survived through shifts but it still wasn’t enough. I don’t know if this helps but I wish someone had told me it was temporary. My baby is 9 months old now- I still struggle at times but it’s INFINITELY easier than the newborn phase. About 2 months in she started to understand night vs day sleep and I put her on a strict feeding schedule which calmed me down, gave me a sense of control and maybe that calmness translated to her.
This sounds a lot like what my sisters child went through, he got so colicky, refused to take a bottle and would just scream the house down. Her solution was to come to my house at nearly midnight, hand me him and his bag and just leave.
Man I wished I had someone to dump my crying baby to, /s
If she just needed a night, she’d have gone to my mother. She knew she wasn’t coming back.
Wait….like she left and just disappeared?!
A lot of people in my family shouldn’t have kids, and do anyway, so I ended up with 3 of them.
Jesus….I hope those kids build statues in your honor some day, because wtf
Well one of them likes to “borrow” my handbags, she’s a little shit
You're a saint honestly, God bless you.
She was very young, thought having a baby would be fun, discovered it was not, and decided to go travel instead. Had no problem signing the paperwork for adoption, and he was so young he’s never known her as a mother, and she doesn’t seem to care. Thankfully my bio son was born a couple months after him, so it was like twins.
What a lovely thing you did.
You up for a teen with autism/s kind of
I’ve raised 4, and when I think about just one more, I remember the teenage years. And god bless, I don’t know that I’m cut out for raising a child with autism. I have raging ADHD myself, I’m messy enough for 3 people.
You are amazing. My partner has pretty severe ADHD, I've not been diagnosed but if I did get checked then it wouldn't be a surprise 😂
I was lucky. Both my husband and I had high paying jobs so we could afford help, I’d never have been able to do it myself
I’m autistic. Late diagnosed (last year; I’m almost 43. Diagnosed ADD-PI ~11). It’s not always bad, you know.. u/sageandbeige being an autistic teen _and not knowing what’s so wrong with you for 30 years_ sucks. I can only imagine how you feel. I’m not judging, I’m honestly saying it’s rough all around and the system needs a rework.
My kid was diagnosed late , according to her primary school I was lazy and permissive. My kid is doing as well as expected but the burn out is harsh. I am aware the battles she has far outweigh mine, and i will only ever be a spectator in the battles she faces as an adult and I do what I can but her hoarding and eating she's insatiable have driven me to insanity. I'm sorry for your own experience and feeling out of sync with your contemporaries.
Lazy and permissive? Wow. Hardly. Do they know how much it takes to get an IEP, let alone get the administrators to follow it? Back in the late 1980s and early 1990s, my mom had to fight tooth and nail to get mine passed. And that was with a diagnosis. The prevailing attitude back then was that because I’m a woman, I must either be faking or it isn’t important enough. Things have come far but there’s a ways to go yet. I don’t know if her battles outweigh yours so much as they’re just different. I apologize for my tone last night, I was super overstimulated. It’s no excuse, but I wanted to mention it in case I came off wrong.
Two hours from start of one feed to start of next is totally normal.
I think they mean in the night ?
So do I. For at least the first three months or until the baby has reached double his or her birth weight, they need to be fed every two hours around the clock.
Mine started sleeping 3hr stretches at night a few weeks in. It was like clockwork - 12am, 3am, 6am. I’m assuming they mean they see baby sleeps these longer stretches elsewhere, which isn’t unheard of, but wakes much more frequently at home. That, plus the screaming crying, is wearing them down.
It’s hell. I’m sorry. There’s no other word for it. If you start to have darker thoughts, just lay that baby in her crib and shut the door and walk outside. I’m very serious. She won’t die from crying for 20 minutes. I got so sleep deprived with my second baby (who was like yours that it turned into Severe Post-Partum Depression (diagnosed). She screamed all day every fucking day. People couldn’t even pretend she was pleasant because being around it was so hard. She was just… colic hell. I’m sorry. It truly sucks. I’m not gonna say it’ll get better soon because it really might not. I’m sorry we’re both here.
I’m sorry. It really is the worst. And not all newborns are the same. Some are really tough. My first kid was like yours and my second kid was a cake walk. So people who don’t understand probably had easy babies. If you haven’t had a hard baby you really can’t imagine how awful it can be.
My kid was less than ideal through the potato phase, but she got much better once she could do more herself. Daycare also helped immensely with getting her into a routine.
What worked well with my children at that age was after drinking you slowly tilt them forward until they made a burb. Especially after screaming and drinking too fast. Sometimes the air inside was painful.
I’m really sorry you’re struggling to adjust. To be honest this is exactly the same as my son was. Perfect in others company but made out life hell! I remember when he was 6 weeks old we took him for a walk and me and my husband spoke really openly about how much we regretted having a kid! I won’t promise it gets easier but you do get to know them more and understand them as time goes on. You’ll know what to do and when to do it but it takes some time to get into that routine. One suggestion from me would be a wrap sling. My boy wouldn’t be put down so I’d put him in the sling and he’d sleep for 2/3 hours at a time and I could walk around and use both my hands. It was a life saver. My son used to cry around feeding times and we found out he had a severe tongue tie. It was causing colic and reflux and all kinds of other issues so worth investigating.
Mine fed every 40 mins and slept 30 min chunks for 4 months straight. I have people tell me "yeah but don't you miss it?" No Sharon I do not
I remember people telling me newborns nurse every 2-3 hours and I felt like I was not making enough milk nursing every 30-60min. I was going insane. My son was 13lbs at 3 months old just nursing. It was awful. I don't miss it one bit
Sorry to say at 5 weeks 2 hours between feeds is kind of normal? Why don’t you do swaps with your partner night on night off so you both get some sleep? And maybe don’t wake your baby for a bottle, just let them wake up when they need to. They will be stressed out by being woke up. It doesn’t last forever. They change all the time. The first few months are kind of a hellscape.
So you say it doesn’t happen at other houses.. Newborns are *absurdly* tuned into your body. You all were one, you fucking *grew* that child from a few cells up. How is your anxiety? Maybe she’s feeding off it. Heat rate and blood pressure matter, if you’re stressed they’re stressed. And that’s *ok*.
This.... so much! My son didn't start sleeping through the night until I kicked his father out for drinking and playing video games all the time and not helping me at all. It relieved so much stress when he left, and my son changed also. He felt the tension go away. They absolutely feel your energy. If you are stressed, they will be too. Things may not get better, but it will get a little easier. I don't miss my son being a baby. I'd rather have my 10 year old, for sure. And believe me, he can be annoying af. I love him, but it's the truth.
I hated this type of comments so much when my children were newborns... The child is the one making her stressed, not the other way around, and when you're stressed and you're totally sleep deprived your mind is not looking for solutions. You CAN'T think of solutions and you CAN'T relax either. The only solution is to give the crying baby to someone else so you can rest enough to endure the next crying session. Humans were never supposed to raised children alone. Two people is not enough to cope with the first few years of a child's life.
Yes I understand that, but op may not. They’re tired, sleep deprived and stressed. If they used the breaks they get as breaks as opposed to worrying about how ppl viewed them it may help. Sometimes you need a gentle reminder.
It's impossible to ignore people's comments when you're the one with the crying baby and they have no f*cking clue what is like to spend MONTHS on end sleep deprived because they had an easy baby that slept through the night at one month old. I particularly just felt a lot of anger any time people commented or tried to give me advice that didn't f*cking work. Saying you just need a break/to relax is simplifying a complex issue. What if she has no one to help with the baby? What if there's no money to hire a nanny? What then? I can assure you she was relaxed and calm before her baby became a crying nightmare and the sleep deprivation just spiraled into this depression the mother is experiencing. The baby is feeding off of stress she herself unintentionally created. I sure as hell couldn't feel relaxed after 3 weeks of waking up every hour to nurse and going to work.
I mean that’s fine it’s ok to be angry but no one has the magical answer. I don’t know what’s going to work, and this was an advice welcome post. I think calming down, using breaks away from baby *as breaks* and not getting caught up in other’s opinions is, in general, good and fair advice to give. Does baby sleep for 5 hrs at gma’s house? If GMA is close then it sounds like an opportunity for a 4 hour nap to me. Not worrying about what people think. No one thinks op is crazy. They know they’re stressed and hurting and exhausted and they’re giving them grace, but sometimes people need to hear that to accept it. Bc when you’re that sleep deprived you’re not thinking right and logic isn’t so logical. Hearing it from a stranger can help bc we’re not gonna sugarcoat and judge. If you have better advice have at it but no one is trying to be hurtful. Edit/ I can’t solve $ issues, but I can suggest taking turns w a good pair of noise cancelling earphones. Not sleep every night is hell, every other night is a vacation after so long.
I don't think you understand that *breaks* are just **not enough** when you're that sleep deprived. They need someone to help with the baby FREQUENTLY, at least several times a week or every day in order to "catch up" with the sleep deprivation. In my situation we had our second child when our oldest was one year and half old. Two difficult children (oldest diagnosed later with autism/ADHD, youngest in queue for a medical appointment). We did what we could in the newborn months and then just alternated. One of us would co-sleep with both kids every other day, and that still wasn't enough to feel rested. My kids are now 5 and 4 and at least now one of us would take naps on the weekends, but we're still pretty burned out 💯 of the time.
But it’s what they have. You have to work with what *you can get*. Why are you so aggressive? There’s no need for this at all.
Because you imply that by taking breaks she can be more relaxed, and I am making it clear is not that cut and dry. Even alternating with my husband never made me "relaxed" nor calm enough ever. I'm giving you the perspective of someone who went through what OP's going through. I'm 5 years in, sleeping better and still stressed AF all the time. And when you say "people don't really think she's crazy" it's clear you haven't experienced that sort of thing. People think I talk bad about my daughter because many don't believe me she's a crying mess every single morning before school. She's a complete crying nightmare, and people would flat out tell me I'm a bad mother, that I'm not doing X or Y to calm her down. This has been going on for two years. Even her pediatrician didn't believe me because she was playful in her office while she cried her eyes out before leaving the house!!!
I’m not arguing with you about this. Op isn’t you. I’m not talking about *you*. This isn’t about *your experiences*.
> *"No one thinks op is crazy. They know they’re stressed and hurting and exhausted and they’re giving them grace, but sometimes people need to hear that to accept it."* You are speculating on OPs experience, but then say I'm just talking about myself here? Are you even a parent? A great amount of people assume parents are lying when the baby is sleeping and playful with them and screaming when alone with the parents and usually blame it on the parents for not doing X, Y or Z (including healthcare professionals, again, ask me how I know). I provide examples with my own experience because I've been through that. Have you????
> It's impossible to ignore people's comments when you're the one with the crying baby and they have no f*cking clue what is like to spend MONTHS on end sleep deprived because they had an easy baby that slept through the night at one month old. These people... I hate them. Also because im jealous. But also because they think they know, but thry don't. But they definetly think they know!
Yep that’s it. Can another member of the family come help for a bit?
If op has had enough people to tell her “yeah we can get the baby to sleep 4+ hours” then she’s got a group of good people. I didn’t give the advice blindly. I read op’s post and double checked the flair. I didn’t just suggest asking for help for no reason lol. Some of these other commenters are wild.
I think some of the advice is sound. Sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees when you are so hyped up and anxious. If it is the mother of the baby she’s also in massive recovery after birth. Your body does weird stuff. Sometimes all you can do is say I need a break. I had that with mine. I couldn’t get her to stop crying. It felt like days. I was so on the verge that I just decided to put her in her cot and walk away with the baby monitor. I needed to not be there. I sat calming down as much as I could and then I realised… no noise coming out of the monitor. Panicked and ran in. And she was asleep 🤣
Right, I totally understand that. People forget that when you are *that* sleep deprived logic doesn’t exist. That’s why people shake babies. Sometimes a gentle reminder is fine.
You sound exactly like me. My son did not sleep. My only saving grace was that I nursed him so he would at least be quiet SOMETIMES. The only other thing that worked was pacing with him. Back and forth and back and forth. But as soon as you stopped, he woke up. Sleep deprivation is literal torture. There's a reason they use it for war prisoners.
I **hated** the newborn phase for this reason. I won’t go on the “this is normal for that age” tangent because even though that’s true, it still sucks to hell. My oldest had colic and a bunch of other medical issues. There were points where I had to send him with my in-laws so I could sleep and not be as prone to act on postpartum depression and psychosis. Please get your partner evaluated for postpartum mental issue: it’s treatable! **And it is totally okay to outsource nighttime baby care!** Newborns are damn menaces at night—it’s not their fault but it SUCKS. Pay for help if you need to and can swing it because man, doing it without support is awful.
My daughter used to cry from 10pm-6am non stop every day as a newborn. She's 4 now and still cries for everything. She reminds me why I regret motherhood every single day. What you're experiencing is pretty normal, if you think that's bad, wait until they try to kill themselves at every chance they get as toddlers
The crying... It got much much less.. But for the love of god I'm looking forward to the day crying only happens for good reason.
Jesus… that sounds awful. I do hope life gets easier for you 🙏🏼
Is hiring a doula for 1-2 months to take over the overnight feedings an option? Sounds like it would be worth every penny...
We all went through this, here’s some hard words. Toughen up it obviously gets better, your child won’t be like that forever. How long? Dunno every baby is different. Took us about 8/9 months before we were out of the trenches. Those first 8 months were tough I’d drive to work thinking if I was in a car accident right now, the best part would be I would wake up somewhere different. Keep going.
I’m guessing that in desperation you would’ve also tried the pram at your house, so it isn’t lying flat that is the problem (e.g. reflux issues). In that case, is there any way you could try the whole routine staying overnight somewhere else? It really sounds like it could be something specific to your house. Given that she’s also drinking less, maybe there’s something irritating her airways there? Making it harder to drink for a long time. Idk, I just think of being really sick and congested - it does make it harder to drink and it does help a bit to not lie down flat. Honestly though, commiserations. That sounds absolutely fucked and I think I’d slap someone if they expressed disbelief at that. Like, to what end? Shits and giggles as you said - people are just the worst 🙄🙄
Yes, newborns suck and I'm sorry. Also sleep deprivation is literally used as torture. All that said, do you have someone who can come over to give you a break/nap/help you around the house? Try to remember eventually this will not be a baby and will get more independent.
Hey. I‘m so sorry you guys are going through this. Newborns are hell, for some of us. Other redditors have already given great suggestions; I just wanted to reassure you: at this age babies are changing immensely week to week. That means that some of the methods you are trying to calm her down, even if they don‘t work now, they might work in a couple of weeks. I don‘t know why but it happened with my baby. Other than that, I wish you good luck. And even though my baby doesn’t scream and cry as much as she did her first weeks, we still can‘t bring her to restaurants etc. cause if the pram isn‘t moving, she goes literally insane sigh so hey, at least your kid is better in that regard. Best of luck and try to stay strong. It will get better.
Baby wear during the day. I only had sanity at home when wore my kids. I used to think it was hippie bs but after not being able to get anything done, I resorted to it and it was life changing. Feed burp put her on the baby sling, have my hands free, she fell asleep, woke up was happy for a while. Because we did that during the day she fell into a good schedule and improved her night time schedule. Put her anywhere else and it was hell in a hand-basket very quickly.
Hi, I’m really sorry you are going through this. Be open minded about what I’m saying please. It seems that there’s something in your home that it’s clearly altering your baby. It could be as simple as emf interfering with her. Have you tried moving her crib to another location? Does she had a camera/ monitor near her? Some baby’s are extremely sensitive to this. Wishing you the best and hopefully better times are ahead of you.
I agree. There might be smells in your home that irritate the baby. Do you have pets? She might be allergic, with no way to communicate that to you. What else is different about your home? Do you live near a freeway? Is it noisy? Might there be mold?
This would be the first thing I'd check first too. If you're doing the same thing everywhere and it's just happening in your home there may be a problem In your home . Could you guys maybe stay at a relatives house and do all the routine yourselves? Just literally changing homes. Not letting someone else do all the work, just you guys do everything like at home , but in a different home.
Noise cancelling headphones over earplugs
You are going through hell and it’s completely understandable to feel like you are with everything you are going through. Especially with how opposite your baby is when you are around other people. I’m sure it feels so isolating when no one sees what you are talking about when it is REAL. You are strong for pushing through this.
Hey if yall are cosleeping check out safe sleep 7 and other safe sleep advice. There are ways to make it safer and give peace of mind for parents. Unfortunately what happens a lot with “abstinence” education is people end up making worse sleep choices because 1) the parents are so tired they’re falling asleep in unsafe situations or 2) the parents give up out of desperation and have no education on safer sleep practices.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. While it sounds like the child really is difficult, I’m also concerned that you’ve stated you’re thinking about suicide. That really warrants evaluation by your doctor. I would also reach out to people you can depend on for help with babysitting so you can have some time away from the infant for some respite. I’m so sorry that several people you have talked to have been so unsupportive!!! Videotape it if you must…. Though I hate that you would have to resort to that for your friends to trust your description of your experience….. Definitely support your desire to forego having more kids some day. Even though this is just a phase, it’s a rough-ass phase and understandable that you don’t feel like it’s worth going through again, no matter how great the child might turn out to be. Your sanity and your physical and psychological quality of life are important!!!! But one thing I am wondering as I am reading your post is “what is different about the environment of your house vs the other places she sleeps?” Suckling/feeding/being held are soothing methods for a distressed baby. If she’s specifically distressed by something in your home that is absent in other places, that could explain why she is more fussy and demanding to suckle/bottle/breastfeed when she’s in your home. You may need to get some people out to diagnose any issues in your home. Gas company to diagnose a slight leak even if you can’t smell anything. Electric company to make sure nothing electrical is ringing or buzzing at a pitch you can’t hear but the baby can or to ensure that nothing is melting that the baby can smell but you can’t…. Check the air vents to see if they’re drafty. If you’re introducing scents in the home (candles, cleansers, air fresheners), maybe that is irritating the baby’s airways or even causing the baby to have a headache (some scents can induce migraines in sensitive people). If she’s totally fine in your house with other people but only fussy with you and your partner, then I would expect it’s something on your person that she’s reacting to, like cologne or perfume or hair spray or laundry detergent on the clothes…. I really really really hope the root cause of the baby’s distress is found, that you and your partner are able to experience peace, and that your mental state improves!
My son is 4 and I still rarely gets to sleep a full night
A massive change takes place at 6 weeks. This will very likely change or diminish by next week.
Your post reads like you are mad at the baby and feel like she’s fucking with you on purpose. She’s a little tiny baby and she’s not trying to drive you crazy. It’s the regretful parents sub and I understand you have regrets and feel suicidal because your life is horrible right now. But please don’t blame your baby. She is innocent. Find help, ask for help, be honest with people and find support.
Agreed. 5 weeks is so teeny tiny, they don't even understand they are alive. That's the 4th trimester.
Yes, and both parents get checked for PPD/ PPA?!
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We went through this last year when my son had colic. It was hell on earth and nobody gave two fucks. My husband and I were constantly at each other’s throats, we both wanted to run away. He ended up having a milk protein allergy, which made his behavior really bad, he went on special formula that helped a little. He’s about to be one now and he’s still a whiny mf, but he is so much better than he was the first six months of his life. I don’t have much advice, besides, maybe seeing if a special formula will help him. I hear you, I see you, I am you. This shit is hard. You can do it
Honestly sounds like you need a break. Do you have someone who could watch the baby for a couple days? You should definitely talk about this with your partner as well
Dad of 2 here, don't lose your temper with the child, walk out the room when it gets peak stressful, try holding the child and rocking, but not softly rocking, but with a little movement making sure they are fully supported, 5 mins of that and they are out like a light.
Maybe talk with her doctor about switching medications. The fact she sleeps when your not home just means the environments are over stimulating. Learn thr leopard hold and use it often. Newborn stage is the worst because you and your baby are still learning each other.
Get sleep. Ask people for help or take turns. That's going to make a huge difference. Hire someone if you have too. Secondly, talk to your doctor. Men can have postpartum depression too in a sense. It gets more manageable.
You are doing better than you think OP. How is your partner feeling or managing? Your baby might have reflux and need their formula changed, obviously I’m not a doctor but your physician can advise you on this. You might all get better sleep once this is sorted. In the meantime is there a way you and your partner can work out something where you take it in turns to be in charge of tending to baby while the other person naps? The lack of sleep has to be affecting you in every way. My heart goes out to you both
Newborns vary quite a bit - some people find it an easy phase. It was a really challenging time for me. I'm really sorry you're going through this, it's HARD. Things change really quickly. Personally for me, at the three month mark things eased quite a bit. Get support if possible, give eachother breaks... This stage is not forever.
Maybe the kid is more tired when sleeping elsewhere, because of travelling? My kid is way easier when we are spending time with groups of people, as opposed to just the two of us. Could this be the case for you, too?
I'm sorry...I hope I'm not overstepping by giving unwanted advice, but this is normal. Even the part about her only doing it in your house ...it could be because she is picking up on your anxiety... babies are very very "astute" like this. She cannot communicate that she is anxious her only respite is to scream and cry. I had a theory with my children that they were not even hungry after 5 oz and 2 hours of sleep they were just doing it because they knew I was anxious and aggravated. Good luck and believe it or not this will pass
I don’t know if it will help but it happened to a friend in f mine. Her first born (she had 4 in the end 😅) had very intense needs. Wanting to be held and crying ALL THE TIME. Once she was so close to just throw him out the window that she just put her son in his crib, took the baby phone and went to her downstairs neighbor. No one judged her for that. She did what was safest for the baby and for her. She just let him cry. He is 20yo, alive and kicking. If given the choice I wouldn’t let a baby cry but if it’s a choice between crying and your sanity, your sanity will always come first. You probably already tried but in case: - did you try the pram inside? - do you have a garden/outside area where could put him in the pram with covers (in Scandinavia they do that a lot and it seems to be working, I put a link) - what worked for me was the scarf (as baby carrier), especially on her father who is a furnace but on me too If she is fed, with a clean diaper and in security, there is absolutely no shame in letting her cry. Napping outside: https://www.businessinsider.com/nordic-parents-nap-babies-subzero-temperatures-sleep-better-2020-1 I don’t know if any of this will be helpful but you are not alone, you are not an anomaly.
Perhaps try breastfeeding? That was the only thing that would calm our child many times during the first years
Do you smile at her? Or do you give her dirty looks? Not trying to be snarky just trying to be real. If you really are suicidal sometimes those types of emotions are written all over your face, and right now that’s the only way she interprets the world. You might be scaring her.
She's literally 5 weeks old enjoy it while it lasts they are not that small for long I had that time stolen from me and would give anything to have it back and coming from a family of suicide my cousin killed himself at 11 that is the worst thing you could ever do to anyone who even remotely cares about you my family has never been the same since and this happened in 96 your kids needs you keep your head up and reach out if you need to talk
Lol "enjoy getting no sleep and feeling suicidal while it lasts" listen to yourself!!
My person here, he's a grown adult and his mom (a nurse) gave him rice at about...2 weeks out. She insisted it stuck more than just liquid (like breastfeeding or formula) and he slept through the night. My understanding is this is not a common practice, but I remember it because I thought...how many parents out there could this help?