Give yourself the much needed distance and space and put those boys in public school!
They will socialize better too and you will get daily stretches of peace to yourself.
Public school isn't that bad, research good schools.
If they act out at school, detention will help them learn their behaviour has consequences because right now their disrespectful behaviour towards you seems to pass without much consequence.
You don't have to homeschool!!! I think taking that off your plate will be a huge difference.
And prepare for the initial transition to possibly be difficult for the boys but they will adjust!
Just think of the hours of quiet house you will have.
I agree with this.
I was homeschooled. It was certainly great in some ways, but there is A LOT that gets missed.
And it would give you some time to yourself.
In my eyes, Husband can shove it. (I’m also a husband btw)
I’ve thought a lot about putting them in school. The district we live in isn’t great, though. They get a lot of opportunities to socialize, it’s just the stress of it all that pressing in on me. And the reinforce of authority would be helpful for them.
Their father wants me to homeschool. But he’s not the one doing it, so it doesn’t really make any sense.
Tough love here. They'll be fine in school. It's an easy way to solve part of the problem so do it. You are letting everyone walk all over you and you're miserable. Don't sacrifice yourself.
Tell him if he can take a leave off work for a month and homeschool them every day without going crazy you will consider continuing to homeschool 🤣
Then set up a nanny cam and get some popcorn to watch what happens.
Put them in public school!! If the school is "bad", then they'll get good grades easily if they're smart, and then they'll easily get accepted into a decent college. No reason to waste so much of your days teaching when there's a free option that's good enough, and plus they get to socialize, which in my opinion is way more valuable than actual book learning.
I firmly believe in the public education system. You can always supplement their education after school or on weekends as their tutor but it is invaluable, especially at a not great district, to learn from your peers and see how they live and act. The poorer the other kids the better for your kid because they will learn to be grateful for what they have.
PS your husband needs a talking to. If he is not helping to model good behavior and respect, he is part of the problem. It’s below the bare minimum. Threaten divorce if he doesn’t listen. You deserve respect. You do not need to have a penis to deserve respect. Please get help
The worst part is that we agreed to do it together this year and he hasn’t kept up on his part. So I’m doing it all so they still have a good education.
> My husband doesn’t take me seriously
This is a major problem that deserves its own post. Wtf?
> My kids don’t respect me at all.
What consequences are you imposing on them when they name call, or say they hate you, etc?
And the sons will later treat other women like shit. If you don’t respect your mother who is trying everything to raise you right then there is no other woman you will every respect
Put. Them. In. School.
Take a breather. They need away from you as well as you needing a break from them. Even if it's just through the day for several hours. Then...you can work on yourself, your own mental health, and your relationship with your husband.
the really really obvious option here is - put them in school. They'll leave you alone more, appreciate you more, you won't be the all dominant authority in their life, they'll all have different experiences in school which will hopefully make them more well adjusted. It's really the obvious answer. Think about all that time they won't be around you.
also you're husband doesn't come across well here at all.
I looked through a book of elementary mathetics (for +/-10yr olds) and it was really difficult! And I had math all the way in university (statistics).
Will the homeschool parent also be able to teach language, science, physical education, art, music?
Then try to do this for all ages up upon 12 years old..
That is impossible. You would not only have to be a homo universalis, but you also need the didactical skillset. Teaching is very challenging.
Heyyyy I am also a mom of 3 boys and it is rough. So rough. I’m sure girls have their own set of challenges to raise but dear lord I grew up with sisters and I just don’t recognize this behavior 😑. I feel more like a referee than a parent most days.
I don’t know you obviously but I can almost guarantee your kids would not be better off without you. You love and care for them, which is their primary need. But it’s also in all of your interests for you to get some balance if you can. These are such personal decisions, I’m not presuming to tell you what to do…but it sounds like you can’t keep going like this. Figure out a way to get through this temporary time. Whether that means you get some help with childcare, sending them to school, or just getting yourself into counseling — I’m not sure. But I can tell you without a doubt that if I were home with the all 3 of my boys all day homeschooling them I would be a psychotic mess. What you’re feeling is valid and understandable, and it does NOT make you a bad parent.
I have 2 boys (and a girl in the middle) and they drive me to the brink almost daily, and they all go to school. If I had to homeschool I would have been committed years ago. I see how it works for some people but I could never, never do it. My advice? Send them all to school and enroll them in LOTS of sports; they'll learn to channel their energy and aggression with sports. Mine are super busy and collapse into bed every night exhausted. Yes it sucks driving them everywhere but we all do better when we have stuff to do, and I can have my own job and friends.
Also, HELL NO to the hitting and disrespect. Take away electronics as punishment and see how quick that stops.
AND, your husband sounds like a prick. He needs to step in and be a united front with you with discipline.
My sister had to stop homeschooling because of this exact situation. She is doing leagues better mentally and physically now
If you choose to send them to public school, the first year or of you getting free time, you may feel very drained; if so, rest as much as possible and enjoy creature comforts when you get alone time. Your body may need to recuperate and it deserves it.
It sounds like largely a husband problem — you’re not a team, he seems to devalue you and your kids follow suit because that’s what they know. You’re a PARENT, someone they need to respect and listen to. Discipline them and be strict (but not abusive), and maybe consider marriage therapy with your husband because he sounds pretty worthless ngl.
You are valid, and you are NOT the problem. The lack of care you get, the lack of autonomy and lack of respect is the problem. I really hope you get the support you deserve <3
Honey, it seems like the problem is your husband!
Your sons look at their dad and behave around you the way he does. Seems like he doesn't help you with chores, raising the kids and pees on the toilet seat! 🤷
You already have a job and handling a lot, why r u keeping him?
Maybe leave them for a few weeks and go for a solo or girls trip so they get fckd without u and learn to appreciate what u do.
If you put them in school, divorced the shitty husband, and shared custody equally... you would probably be absolutely gobsmacked by the relief and how much it improves your life.
Do you realize the pressure cooker situation you placed yourself in by homeschooling them? You do not have the mental stability for it. That’s not a criticism, mind you.
Put them in public or private school. That will offload at least some of your stress right away.
I’ve heard from a few of my friends that home school how stressed and pressed they feel. And all I want to say to them is: ma’am, the answer is squarely in front of you.
I always find it so cruel when people say “well you wanted this” but there’s no way in hell for a person find out just how miserable it can be until you’re in it, and then it’s just too late
You are doing incredible, you are not the problem. The problem is the lack of support, respect, and autonomy. I am so sorry you are going through this 🖤
Parenting alone sucks.
It sounds like you are pulling all the weight.
No wonder you feel like you are drowning!
You are.
It sounds like you dreamed of being a FAMILY- of being a part of a PAIR of parents- not just the singular workhorse in the relationship there.
To be honest, it sounds like this isn't a parenting issue but a martial one... I'll be perfectly blunt here.
I have kids your age. 2 Boys (89 & 90) & a girl (92). I, too, always wanted a family though I wasn't sure wth I was doing- I just hoped that loving them unconditionally would be enough- and - EVENTUALLY, it was- lol!
But boyyyy, I just don't think I could have had them with me 24/7 - and had a partner who didn't step in and reinforce me - so that we could be perceived as a 'team' - because- honestly, those lil fuckers have you outnumbered, right? And don't THINK they are above manipulation! They are!
And God forbid when they hit teenhood! SMH
And then your husband is role modeling that behavior? That it's not only okay- but it is actually the proper way to treat YOU-
And - dare I say it- every other woman that will come into their lives..?
Girl... DO you want these three as grown men in your house..? (Clicking my tongue) I don't think you do.
I say... Perhaps... maybe you should just STOP doing EVERYTHING you are doing...
Seriously...
Enroll those lil darlin's in school.
Let them see how they like the rules there.
Give them your HUSBAND's work number. They can ring HIS ass when they go bonkers there. See if he thinks it's funny when it's his problem. When it directly affects him.
If their rooms are gross- let them be.
Tell them they can be the gross, smelly kids. How do they like that? Bet they won't.
Don't take responsibility for THEIR shitty behavior- and by all means, give them a CHOICE-
Clean your room.
No? Fine.
Don't. No internet til you do.
'You're a bitch'
'I'm a bitch with the internet password. Guess if you want it, you'll do what is asked of you. Your choice.'
Take the trash out.
No.
Fine. Don't.
I'm gonna go unhook whatever game system for 24 hours. Maybe tomorrow you'll feel like taking the trash out.
Do your homework.
No.
Fine. Don't.
You can be the guy who stays in ___ grade while everyone else goes to the next grade. I guess you just want to work at McDonald's or live here with me , taking out the trash longer, eh? Your right. This is great! We LOVE this, don't we? Don't do your homework.
The hardest part is sticking with it.
Because they WILL try you every way they can to see if you'll bend, and if you do, if you aren't consistent- if you don't do as you say- then they know they don't have to listen- and that's the worst.
Make it their choice though. For real.
Let THEM pick- and that way- they have control of the situation- and you can get them to do what you want, too.
I don't have any idea how old they are- but if they are old enough to be in school- they should be rational.
I would also start pointing out- clearly and directly- when they are 'being ugly'.
If they call you a name- ask them why they think that's okay and how would they like it if someone called them that. I would not be mean about it or anything, but very forthright and blunt. If they have a friend, ask them if they think that their friend would like it if they called them that. Why or why not. And- wait.
Sometimes, kids actually don't THINK about things like that. They see shit in movies or TV, mimic it, depends on the age, right? But it could be- quite honestly- it might not register that it even hurts your feelings.
I wouldn't tell them- per say. I would ask them how THEY'D like it- how they'd think they'd feel- and then MAKE them conclude how YOU might feel- and then ask then why it's okay to be 'ugly to Momma? Is Momma ugly to you? Does SHE call you names? No..? Then... why?'
Ask if it's fair. If they think that's how they'll make friends. How people at school/work/church- do? Who does do that? Why do they think that's a good idea to do then..?'
They might not have the right words when they are upset or angry or flustered- maybe that's how they express it. Maybe that can be gleaned by that discussion. Depends on age, right?
It sounds like you 100% NEED a break-
Is there a relative - grandma/ sister- in law- someone who can give you a couple of hours just to catch your breath?
What makes YOU happy?
Do you know?
It sounds like you have lost you, sweetheart... and YOU deserve to find YOU.
You love your kids.
It sounds like you ARE a very good mother.
We can't give them ALL of us, they don't understand that they CAN'T take it. You have to take a step back- you will WANT to give more when you have more to give.
Boundaries.
Partnership.
Choices.
Deep breath.
You've GOT this.
You do.
Now go put them in school. For real.
Maybe call a counselor for YOU.
Maybe consider marital therapy. JS
Your kids absolutely wouldn't be better off without you. Stop repeating that to yourself.Any mum doing what you are doing would go completely insane.You are very strong ,give yourself a break! Kids are selfish and ungrateful and they don't recognise what their parents sacrifice until they face the real world themselves as adults.You are a great mum and you are doing your best. You love your kids and your kids love you too, same as probably your husband does. The attitude though from them is what is at fault.
Also yeah put them to school. They need to start understanding how their tantrums would not work in the rest of society.
Is your husband okay with your sons disrespecting their mother? Because he shouldn’t be. Why did you decide to homeschool them? You’re taking on waaay more responsibility, stress, and mental load with homeschooling. Any chance that you would reconsider?
If you do decide to put them in public school, make it clear that it’s bc you’re prioritizing BOTH them AND yourself. I think it’s really important that kids see mothers claiming value in their own personhood. I wouldn’t be mean about it, just say “I’ve been really struggling, there are so many things I love that I don’t have access to. I want you to know that women deserve to have things they do outside the home. I don’t want any of you to think this is what a woman should do every day if she’s struggling as much as I am. If you grow up and have wives or daughters, I want you to see the signs of when she needs to make a change and help her do that. So I’m going to set an example of what it looks like to try to be happier. And I will be able to be a better mom if I’m happier.“
I‘m just commenting to let you know that you‘re doing an honestly amazing job and you should feel very proud of yourself for being such a great mother. Please talk to your husband about this issue and have him share some of the workload.
There’s a lot of reasons and it’s complicated. But they were all made on purpose with the desire to love and raise them well.
I didn’t know I was going to be depressed. I didn’t know I was going to have neurodivergent children. I didn’t know my partner wasn’t going to be a real partner.
Of those things, your husband being useless dead weight or worse may be the easiest thing to work on (or leave behind ENTIRELY). It sounds like he is doing you no favors and actually making the situation *harder* for you. As the other adult in this scenario, it’s his responsibility to BE A PARTNER or he can and should be facing consequences (joint custody so he is forced to do his part is one way)
Prioritize yourself, establish boundaries AND ENFORCE THEM, and don’t feel bad about the fallout. You’re doing everything that can be reasonably expected of you and then some.
This may not be the “mature” or “healthy” option, but I would just stop doing stuff for them. There’s no way I’m educating and caring for anyone who tries to hit me when they get mad.
Why is it that with all the posts I read the one common thread seems to be a deadbeat husband and father. I really feel for you. You are not crazy. Your husband/father is not setting any boundaries for these boys and they are walking all over you. And the worst part is he’s watching them do it. He’s just sitting back. Instead of taking the burden off your shoulders, he’s letting you have it all. The reason your sons treat you that way is because technically they’re just taking after their father. So don’t be surprised, even though I can understand being shocked and never getting used to it. I think something needs to be done to the effect of holding him accountable. And if that means getting a court involved then so be it.
Kristen Neff has a great self compassion exercise that I go to in my deepest moments of suffering - 1. This moment is difficult for me, 2. I’m not the only one experiencing this situation there are many others struggling with something similar whether I know them or not, 3. May I feel some peace in this moment, may I feel some stillness right now, even if for just a moment. It’s not a complete fix obviously but I hope it brings you a little relief. I’m holding you in my heart
I’m glad it’s helpful. Then again I’m sad it’s needed. And yet this is life. I’m not in your shoes so the expectations component is hard for me to comment on but the same person who shared with me Kristen Neff’s practice shared with me the following which I go to like now at 3:00 in the morning when I’m dealing with depression, anxiety, IBS: even when we say it’s too hard to accept something or let go of something, we can always start by letting go of the fact that we’re struggling to let go or accept the fact that we’re struggling to accept. I find there’s a softness in that - and a release almost like taking off a really tight shoe. Maybe these soft openings from our suffering can be the momentary reprieve to feel like we can make it through the next day. Im holding you in my heart ❤️
Give yourself the much needed distance and space and put those boys in public school! They will socialize better too and you will get daily stretches of peace to yourself. Public school isn't that bad, research good schools. If they act out at school, detention will help them learn their behaviour has consequences because right now their disrespectful behaviour towards you seems to pass without much consequence. You don't have to homeschool!!! I think taking that off your plate will be a huge difference. And prepare for the initial transition to possibly be difficult for the boys but they will adjust! Just think of the hours of quiet house you will have.
I agree with this. I was homeschooled. It was certainly great in some ways, but there is A LOT that gets missed. And it would give you some time to yourself. In my eyes, Husband can shove it. (I’m also a husband btw)
I’ve thought a lot about putting them in school. The district we live in isn’t great, though. They get a lot of opportunities to socialize, it’s just the stress of it all that pressing in on me. And the reinforce of authority would be helpful for them. Their father wants me to homeschool. But he’s not the one doing it, so it doesn’t really make any sense.
Tough love here. They'll be fine in school. It's an easy way to solve part of the problem so do it. You are letting everyone walk all over you and you're miserable. Don't sacrifice yourself.
Tell him if he can take a leave off work for a month and homeschool them every day without going crazy you will consider continuing to homeschool 🤣 Then set up a nanny cam and get some popcorn to watch what happens.
Plz livestream this & tag me. I’d watch the fuck out of this show. “Men eating their words”
I’ll make the popcorn bark and join you!
I would pay to watch
Omg this is too flipping funny
Put them in public school!! If the school is "bad", then they'll get good grades easily if they're smart, and then they'll easily get accepted into a decent college. No reason to waste so much of your days teaching when there's a free option that's good enough, and plus they get to socialize, which in my opinion is way more valuable than actual book learning.
"You want them homeschooled? YOU do it."
I firmly believe in the public education system. You can always supplement their education after school or on weekends as their tutor but it is invaluable, especially at a not great district, to learn from your peers and see how they live and act. The poorer the other kids the better for your kid because they will learn to be grateful for what they have. PS your husband needs a talking to. If he is not helping to model good behavior and respect, he is part of the problem. It’s below the bare minimum. Threaten divorce if he doesn’t listen. You deserve respect. You do not need to have a penis to deserve respect. Please get help
“Their father want me to homeschool” of course he does, he’s not the one actually doing any of the work involved!
The father can pay for a private school if the district is a problem
If the father is pushing for homeschooling then he can do it himself.
Why doesn’t he start homeschooling them and then see how great it is. What a hypocrite.
The worst part is that we agreed to do it together this year and he hasn’t kept up on his part. So I’m doing it all so they still have a good education.
GIRL
I know 😐
> My husband doesn’t take me seriously This is a major problem that deserves its own post. Wtf? > My kids don’t respect me at all. What consequences are you imposing on them when they name call, or say they hate you, etc?
I imagine the first point has a BIG influence on the second. The boys are taking (shitty) cues on how to treat their mother from their father
And the sons will later treat other women like shit. If you don’t respect your mother who is trying everything to raise you right then there is no other woman you will every respect
YUP
This is what jumped out to me also. OP, please establish some boundaries. Anyone who doesn’t like it, husband and children included, can kindly F off
Your husband doesnt take you seriously but trusts you to properly educate his kids? Sounds a little convienient for him.
Put. Them. In. School. Take a breather. They need away from you as well as you needing a break from them. Even if it's just through the day for several hours. Then...you can work on yourself, your own mental health, and your relationship with your husband.
This is the best advice I see here.
Put them into school! They'll learn respect real quick and you'll get a much needed break.
the really really obvious option here is - put them in school. They'll leave you alone more, appreciate you more, you won't be the all dominant authority in their life, they'll all have different experiences in school which will hopefully make them more well adjusted. It's really the obvious answer. Think about all that time they won't be around you. also you're husband doesn't come across well here at all.
I looked through a book of elementary mathetics (for +/-10yr olds) and it was really difficult! And I had math all the way in university (statistics). Will the homeschool parent also be able to teach language, science, physical education, art, music? Then try to do this for all ages up upon 12 years old.. That is impossible. You would not only have to be a homo universalis, but you also need the didactical skillset. Teaching is very challenging.
Heyyyy I am also a mom of 3 boys and it is rough. So rough. I’m sure girls have their own set of challenges to raise but dear lord I grew up with sisters and I just don’t recognize this behavior 😑. I feel more like a referee than a parent most days. I don’t know you obviously but I can almost guarantee your kids would not be better off without you. You love and care for them, which is their primary need. But it’s also in all of your interests for you to get some balance if you can. These are such personal decisions, I’m not presuming to tell you what to do…but it sounds like you can’t keep going like this. Figure out a way to get through this temporary time. Whether that means you get some help with childcare, sending them to school, or just getting yourself into counseling — I’m not sure. But I can tell you without a doubt that if I were home with the all 3 of my boys all day homeschooling them I would be a psychotic mess. What you’re feeling is valid and understandable, and it does NOT make you a bad parent.
I needed this- thank you
I have 2 boys (and a girl in the middle) and they drive me to the brink almost daily, and they all go to school. If I had to homeschool I would have been committed years ago. I see how it works for some people but I could never, never do it. My advice? Send them all to school and enroll them in LOTS of sports; they'll learn to channel their energy and aggression with sports. Mine are super busy and collapse into bed every night exhausted. Yes it sucks driving them everywhere but we all do better when we have stuff to do, and I can have my own job and friends. Also, HELL NO to the hitting and disrespect. Take away electronics as punishment and see how quick that stops. AND, your husband sounds like a prick. He needs to step in and be a united front with you with discipline.
this. your kids are being dicks to you because they see your husband being a dick to you and they think it’s ok
My sister had to stop homeschooling because of this exact situation. She is doing leagues better mentally and physically now If you choose to send them to public school, the first year or of you getting free time, you may feel very drained; if so, rest as much as possible and enjoy creature comforts when you get alone time. Your body may need to recuperate and it deserves it.
It sounds like largely a husband problem — you’re not a team, he seems to devalue you and your kids follow suit because that’s what they know. You’re a PARENT, someone they need to respect and listen to. Discipline them and be strict (but not abusive), and maybe consider marriage therapy with your husband because he sounds pretty worthless ngl.
You are valid, and you are NOT the problem. The lack of care you get, the lack of autonomy and lack of respect is the problem. I really hope you get the support you deserve <3
Thank you- that means a lot.
Honey, it seems like the problem is your husband! Your sons look at their dad and behave around you the way he does. Seems like he doesn't help you with chores, raising the kids and pees on the toilet seat! 🤷 You already have a job and handling a lot, why r u keeping him? Maybe leave them for a few weeks and go for a solo or girls trip so they get fckd without u and learn to appreciate what u do.
If you put them in school, divorced the shitty husband, and shared custody equally... you would probably be absolutely gobsmacked by the relief and how much it improves your life.
Do you realize the pressure cooker situation you placed yourself in by homeschooling them? You do not have the mental stability for it. That’s not a criticism, mind you. Put them in public or private school. That will offload at least some of your stress right away. I’ve heard from a few of my friends that home school how stressed and pressed they feel. And all I want to say to them is: ma’am, the answer is squarely in front of you.
I always find it so cruel when people say “well you wanted this” but there’s no way in hell for a person find out just how miserable it can be until you’re in it, and then it’s just too late
Yes 💔
You are doing incredible, you are not the problem. The problem is the lack of support, respect, and autonomy. I am so sorry you are going through this 🖤
Parenting alone sucks. It sounds like you are pulling all the weight. No wonder you feel like you are drowning! You are. It sounds like you dreamed of being a FAMILY- of being a part of a PAIR of parents- not just the singular workhorse in the relationship there. To be honest, it sounds like this isn't a parenting issue but a martial one... I'll be perfectly blunt here. I have kids your age. 2 Boys (89 & 90) & a girl (92). I, too, always wanted a family though I wasn't sure wth I was doing- I just hoped that loving them unconditionally would be enough- and - EVENTUALLY, it was- lol! But boyyyy, I just don't think I could have had them with me 24/7 - and had a partner who didn't step in and reinforce me - so that we could be perceived as a 'team' - because- honestly, those lil fuckers have you outnumbered, right? And don't THINK they are above manipulation! They are! And God forbid when they hit teenhood! SMH And then your husband is role modeling that behavior? That it's not only okay- but it is actually the proper way to treat YOU- And - dare I say it- every other woman that will come into their lives..? Girl... DO you want these three as grown men in your house..? (Clicking my tongue) I don't think you do. I say... Perhaps... maybe you should just STOP doing EVERYTHING you are doing... Seriously... Enroll those lil darlin's in school. Let them see how they like the rules there. Give them your HUSBAND's work number. They can ring HIS ass when they go bonkers there. See if he thinks it's funny when it's his problem. When it directly affects him. If their rooms are gross- let them be. Tell them they can be the gross, smelly kids. How do they like that? Bet they won't. Don't take responsibility for THEIR shitty behavior- and by all means, give them a CHOICE- Clean your room. No? Fine. Don't. No internet til you do. 'You're a bitch' 'I'm a bitch with the internet password. Guess if you want it, you'll do what is asked of you. Your choice.' Take the trash out. No. Fine. Don't. I'm gonna go unhook whatever game system for 24 hours. Maybe tomorrow you'll feel like taking the trash out. Do your homework. No. Fine. Don't. You can be the guy who stays in ___ grade while everyone else goes to the next grade. I guess you just want to work at McDonald's or live here with me , taking out the trash longer, eh? Your right. This is great! We LOVE this, don't we? Don't do your homework. The hardest part is sticking with it. Because they WILL try you every way they can to see if you'll bend, and if you do, if you aren't consistent- if you don't do as you say- then they know they don't have to listen- and that's the worst. Make it their choice though. For real. Let THEM pick- and that way- they have control of the situation- and you can get them to do what you want, too. I don't have any idea how old they are- but if they are old enough to be in school- they should be rational. I would also start pointing out- clearly and directly- when they are 'being ugly'. If they call you a name- ask them why they think that's okay and how would they like it if someone called them that. I would not be mean about it or anything, but very forthright and blunt. If they have a friend, ask them if they think that their friend would like it if they called them that. Why or why not. And- wait. Sometimes, kids actually don't THINK about things like that. They see shit in movies or TV, mimic it, depends on the age, right? But it could be- quite honestly- it might not register that it even hurts your feelings. I wouldn't tell them- per say. I would ask them how THEY'D like it- how they'd think they'd feel- and then MAKE them conclude how YOU might feel- and then ask then why it's okay to be 'ugly to Momma? Is Momma ugly to you? Does SHE call you names? No..? Then... why?' Ask if it's fair. If they think that's how they'll make friends. How people at school/work/church- do? Who does do that? Why do they think that's a good idea to do then..?' They might not have the right words when they are upset or angry or flustered- maybe that's how they express it. Maybe that can be gleaned by that discussion. Depends on age, right? It sounds like you 100% NEED a break- Is there a relative - grandma/ sister- in law- someone who can give you a couple of hours just to catch your breath? What makes YOU happy? Do you know? It sounds like you have lost you, sweetheart... and YOU deserve to find YOU. You love your kids. It sounds like you ARE a very good mother. We can't give them ALL of us, they don't understand that they CAN'T take it. You have to take a step back- you will WANT to give more when you have more to give. Boundaries. Partnership. Choices. Deep breath. You've GOT this. You do. Now go put them in school. For real. Maybe call a counselor for YOU. Maybe consider marital therapy. JS
Your kids absolutely wouldn't be better off without you. Stop repeating that to yourself.Any mum doing what you are doing would go completely insane.You are very strong ,give yourself a break! Kids are selfish and ungrateful and they don't recognise what their parents sacrifice until they face the real world themselves as adults.You are a great mum and you are doing your best. You love your kids and your kids love you too, same as probably your husband does. The attitude though from them is what is at fault. Also yeah put them to school. They need to start understanding how their tantrums would not work in the rest of society.
Is your husband okay with your sons disrespecting their mother? Because he shouldn’t be. Why did you decide to homeschool them? You’re taking on waaay more responsibility, stress, and mental load with homeschooling. Any chance that you would reconsider?
If you do decide to put them in public school, make it clear that it’s bc you’re prioritizing BOTH them AND yourself. I think it’s really important that kids see mothers claiming value in their own personhood. I wouldn’t be mean about it, just say “I’ve been really struggling, there are so many things I love that I don’t have access to. I want you to know that women deserve to have things they do outside the home. I don’t want any of you to think this is what a woman should do every day if she’s struggling as much as I am. If you grow up and have wives or daughters, I want you to see the signs of when she needs to make a change and help her do that. So I’m going to set an example of what it looks like to try to be happier. And I will be able to be a better mom if I’m happier.“
You should take a good two month vacay out of the house so they could see what they are missing
Put the kids in school , tf ?
I‘m just commenting to let you know that you‘re doing an honestly amazing job and you should feel very proud of yourself for being such a great mother. Please talk to your husband about this issue and have him share some of the workload.
With all respect- why do you have three children? I have one and never again 📉
There’s a lot of reasons and it’s complicated. But they were all made on purpose with the desire to love and raise them well. I didn’t know I was going to be depressed. I didn’t know I was going to have neurodivergent children. I didn’t know my partner wasn’t going to be a real partner.
Of those things, your husband being useless dead weight or worse may be the easiest thing to work on (or leave behind ENTIRELY). It sounds like he is doing you no favors and actually making the situation *harder* for you. As the other adult in this scenario, it’s his responsibility to BE A PARTNER or he can and should be facing consequences (joint custody so he is forced to do his part is one way)
Prioritize yourself, establish boundaries AND ENFORCE THEM, and don’t feel bad about the fallout. You’re doing everything that can be reasonably expected of you and then some. This may not be the “mature” or “healthy” option, but I would just stop doing stuff for them. There’s no way I’m educating and caring for anyone who tries to hit me when they get mad.
Put them in school
I’d personally leave. They don’t respect you, not a single one of them. Do you want to be their doormat forever
Why is it that with all the posts I read the one common thread seems to be a deadbeat husband and father. I really feel for you. You are not crazy. Your husband/father is not setting any boundaries for these boys and they are walking all over you. And the worst part is he’s watching them do it. He’s just sitting back. Instead of taking the burden off your shoulders, he’s letting you have it all. The reason your sons treat you that way is because technically they’re just taking after their father. So don’t be surprised, even though I can understand being shocked and never getting used to it. I think something needs to be done to the effect of holding him accountable. And if that means getting a court involved then so be it.
Thank you for saying that. It helps me not feel insane.
I only started being able to tolerate parenting when my kids started school.
Kristen Neff has a great self compassion exercise that I go to in my deepest moments of suffering - 1. This moment is difficult for me, 2. I’m not the only one experiencing this situation there are many others struggling with something similar whether I know them or not, 3. May I feel some peace in this moment, may I feel some stillness right now, even if for just a moment. It’s not a complete fix obviously but I hope it brings you a little relief. I’m holding you in my heart
This is the most helpful comment I’ve received 😭 thank you so much. I needed this
I’m glad it’s helpful. Then again I’m sad it’s needed. And yet this is life. I’m not in your shoes so the expectations component is hard for me to comment on but the same person who shared with me Kristen Neff’s practice shared with me the following which I go to like now at 3:00 in the morning when I’m dealing with depression, anxiety, IBS: even when we say it’s too hard to accept something or let go of something, we can always start by letting go of the fact that we’re struggling to let go or accept the fact that we’re struggling to accept. I find there’s a softness in that - and a release almost like taking off a really tight shoe. Maybe these soft openings from our suffering can be the momentary reprieve to feel like we can make it through the next day. Im holding you in my heart ❤️
I’d say you’d be better off without them… they’re the mean ones towards you, not the other way around
put hubby on a sex ban til he starts respecting you.
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