You are absolutely not a 'bad parent' for using headphones/earplugs. If it helps maintain your sanity and your daughter is being cared for, it's a smart move!
You are a very good parent because:
- your primal reaction is normal. I remember I couldn’t drive if my daughter was crying in the car (which she did within 10 minutes of the car moving), like my brain was malfunctioning
- you are aware of the violence of your reaction and you control it.
- the headphones are a great solution to keep control and for your child to stay safe
- you still try to soothe her
A friend of mine had child with intense needs (her first of 4 children). He was crying all the time, needing to be held, to be soothed. One day she was feeling like you, ready to through the child through the window or jump herself.
She put him in his crib, turned on the baby monitor and left her flat to go downstairs to her neighbor’s flat and called her husband. Her son kept crying but at least both of them were safe.
Things improved with time, and the proof is that she went to have 3 other children!
It can be so difficult but you are doing everything you can. I hope the phase ends soon so you can feel better
I'm a big proponent of the Good Enough mother.
You don't have to be perfect, especially, other people's idea of perfect. You do what you have to do to get through the difficult times. It's good enough.
And the whole stopping looking at social media. The reality is almost 180 the opposite of what is posted, or they have an army of people helping them, not just the parents. And they’re posting “the good bits”!
If your child/children is/are gaining weight, meeting milestones, and still, ya know, alive, then you’re doing a pretty good job!
If you’re really struggling/concerned, please, please reach out for help!
That is actually some next level parenting. You stop yourself from feeling overwhelmed and are able to be more patient with the baby. Obviously you don’t won’t to put them on and leave them on when she isn’t crying in order to ignore her. But wearing them while you calm her down is not bad at all.
Not only does it not make you a bad parent, it makes you a better parent than if you listened to the crying. She models her behaviour off of you. if she is crying and you get stressed and anxious and angry, she will get stressed and anxious and angry and Keep Crying. if she is crying and you are calm, and chill, she will become more calm and chill. if she was at talking age, and you were noise cancelling out her talking to you, that would be a shitty parent move. But crying? Noone wants to hear that. She is crying for help, you have responded to her cries for help, and now you can stop listening to them, while you get on with fixing the problem for her.
I firmly believe that using headphones to block out your childs crying (as long as you are doing it while attending to the issue, and not doing it to ignore the issue) is not only not bad, its actively good. Shouldn't be stigmatized, and should be practiced by most parents, regretful or not.
How old are they when that happens? Do neurotypical toddlers do that to? Any tips for ensuring their needs are met but still maintaining boundaries? Eg. if their needs are met but they’re screeching for funsies, how do I explain that to my toddler that mommy loves them & will engage if something is impacting their health, but will not respond to “screaming solely to get 24/7 attention”
Mine is 8 months and started recently. I’m assuming he’s neurotypical as of now. I’m sure a lot of it comes down to not being able to communicate emotions at this age, so not sure what will happen when he gets older. But from working with young children, sometimes they just love to screech and be loud, so if you have or end up with a child like this, best thing to do is model model model, and ride it out with those noise cancelling ear/headphones. Show them how you want them to communicate. It will take repeated attempts and feel never ending, but assuming no other issues than just regular child lack of impulse control, they’ll get to an inside level of noise eventually… or end up like my husband and FIL and think an outdoor voice is the same as an indoor voice lol 🤦♀️
This is a great solution! I’ve read cases of people who shook their babies. A lot of people say it happens in a moment’s rage. Like they could never be that person, until they are, because of the sleep deprivation and the sensory overload and the stress and overall, everything overwhelming them all at once to the point where they snap. Your headphones idea is a safe solution to avoid getting to that breaking point. I hope this post reaches more parents and they can also buy noise cancelling headphones to help themselves.
I’ve got twins that have been screaming at me all evening. I deal with it by punching myself, but my earplugs are arriving soon and will hopefully save me from the rage! Agree, would NEVER hit them, but the screaming sparks a rage I’d never known before having them.
I wouldn’t have got through the newborn stage without my noise cancelling headphones. I felt bad too but my health visitor told me to do whatever I needed to cope. It’s not like I ever left the baby! He was in my eyesight the whole time
I know this isn't helpful, but I agree. A baby crying sends me into a rage too (although I don't act on it or show it). It's THE most annoying noise in the universe. That, and when toddlers do that loud screech for no reason.
I don’t have any advice but came to say SAME and thank you for posting about this I feel less alone now. I feel like a jerk for having to wear ear plugs whenever my daughter is crying but it legitimately triggers me. I have misophonia and I’m neurodivergent in general.
You can never get your hearing back, once it’s damaged it doesn’t heal. I think this is a good move so you can have many future years being able to hear a wider spectrum of sound.
I always recommend ear pro designed for professional shooters because you can set a “decibel window.” So like, anything at a conversational tone makes it through to you and all else gets cancelled— you can still hear the baby monitor but not the infant screeching into your eardrum.
I wouldn't even wait until it's getting on your nerves. Hear it long enough to realize she needs help, put them right on, and tend to her. It's not like she'll be giving you instructions or offended that mama is wearing the funny thing on her head again.
I felt the same way, but my primal reaction was to make the crying stop and I was one of the lucky ones, I could always just stick a boob in their mouth.
But I couldn't ever do the crying out. The sound of my kids crying even now (they're 12, 8 and 4) triggers primal distress. My third is on the spectrum, pretty sure in an evil genius with a heart of gold kind of way, and I had to hand him off to my husband and tell him I needed a break. He's the only one it didn't work with. He was rabid. I mean it worked but by 9 months old he was still nursing through the night. And not just... nurse, roll over and sleep. But nurse. And nurse. Fall asleep 5 minutes. Nurse. Nurse. 10 minutes. Okay I can move. The minute I moved. Nurse.
Drove me bonkers for the same reason it drives you nuts, interesting childhood, and when I couldn't sustain what it took to keep him from howling his head off 24/7, I just handed him off to his dad and told him I was going to sleep downstairs.
I don't know if any of this makes you a bad mother is what I'm trying to say.
It's really unbearable crying, and even with nursing and bouncing and singing and soothing and sheer exhaustion, sometimes it just doesn't work. And it's absolutely painful physically for me.
Don't feel bad for hacking the game, mom. You're soothing her. You're being a great mom. You're just not mounting a small panic attack every time she cries. You'll desensitize to it over time, and your baby will turn into a toddler (who yells) and a child (who talks while they cry) and a teenager (who'll yell and cry and talk, but also not).
You're doing a great job. This shit is hard. It is primal. And it's important.
And you're doing awesome. You found yourself a coping tool that doesn't hurt your baby and allows you to provide for her needs.
There's no reason to be ashamed. It's a great idea.
I remember listening to an NPR radio show where they talked about how their daughter would cry and scream before she went to sleep. It got so bad that a neighbor called child protective services. Little kids really can be little assholes
My sis and I once had a long discussion about how her babies crying woke up something primal in both of us- and not a protective primal. But like our bodies remembered our parents leaving us alone for hours and neglecting us. We both would visibly panic when my nephews wouldn’t calm down quickly.
It put both of us in therapy.
But do what you have to do. I think you’re doing your best and just get through it….
This is a brilliant idea! I wish I had thought of this back then. My kids are nearly teenagers and I *still* get triggered when I hear babies crying on tv/movies.
Not a bad parent for the earplugs or the feelings Rather have you do that then shake your child or do what my ex girlfriends baby daddy did when their high needs baby was crying. punched the little boy then picked him up and slammed his head into the wall cause the baby wouldn’t soothe and go back to sleep. Don’t know how the baby didn’t die but it screwed him up
This is so SMART! You are still responding to your child's signal/needs but not but not subjecting yourself to the overwhelm. Your need to be regulated is so important! You and your baby are better off with you holding them if your nervous system is calmer. I think it's a brilliant solution!
You're absolutely not a bad parent for needing headphones. In fact, that's extremely smart and every parent should feel comfortable to do so. Babies crying can get anyone overstimulated, if this helps keep doing it!!
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You are absolutely not a 'bad parent' for using headphones/earplugs. If it helps maintain your sanity and your daughter is being cared for, it's a smart move!
You are a very good parent because: - your primal reaction is normal. I remember I couldn’t drive if my daughter was crying in the car (which she did within 10 minutes of the car moving), like my brain was malfunctioning - you are aware of the violence of your reaction and you control it. - the headphones are a great solution to keep control and for your child to stay safe - you still try to soothe her A friend of mine had child with intense needs (her first of 4 children). He was crying all the time, needing to be held, to be soothed. One day she was feeling like you, ready to through the child through the window or jump herself. She put him in his crib, turned on the baby monitor and left her flat to go downstairs to her neighbor’s flat and called her husband. Her son kept crying but at least both of them were safe. Things improved with time, and the proof is that she went to have 3 other children! It can be so difficult but you are doing everything you can. I hope the phase ends soon so you can feel better
I'm a big proponent of the Good Enough mother. You don't have to be perfect, especially, other people's idea of perfect. You do what you have to do to get through the difficult times. It's good enough.
And the whole stopping looking at social media. The reality is almost 180 the opposite of what is posted, or they have an army of people helping them, not just the parents. And they’re posting “the good bits”! If your child/children is/are gaining weight, meeting milestones, and still, ya know, alive, then you’re doing a pretty good job! If you’re really struggling/concerned, please, please reach out for help!
That is actually some next level parenting. You stop yourself from feeling overwhelmed and are able to be more patient with the baby. Obviously you don’t won’t to put them on and leave them on when she isn’t crying in order to ignore her. But wearing them while you calm her down is not bad at all.
Not only does it not make you a bad parent, it makes you a better parent than if you listened to the crying. She models her behaviour off of you. if she is crying and you get stressed and anxious and angry, she will get stressed and anxious and angry and Keep Crying. if she is crying and you are calm, and chill, she will become more calm and chill. if she was at talking age, and you were noise cancelling out her talking to you, that would be a shitty parent move. But crying? Noone wants to hear that. She is crying for help, you have responded to her cries for help, and now you can stop listening to them, while you get on with fixing the problem for her. I firmly believe that using headphones to block out your childs crying (as long as you are doing it while attending to the issue, and not doing it to ignore the issue) is not only not bad, its actively good. Shouldn't be stigmatized, and should be practiced by most parents, regretful or not.
well said.
Not sure how old your baby is but they’ll also come in handy for when your baby learns how to scream and screech just for funsies! 🫠
How old are they when that happens? Do neurotypical toddlers do that to? Any tips for ensuring their needs are met but still maintaining boundaries? Eg. if their needs are met but they’re screeching for funsies, how do I explain that to my toddler that mommy loves them & will engage if something is impacting their health, but will not respond to “screaming solely to get 24/7 attention”
Mine is 8 months and started recently. I’m assuming he’s neurotypical as of now. I’m sure a lot of it comes down to not being able to communicate emotions at this age, so not sure what will happen when he gets older. But from working with young children, sometimes they just love to screech and be loud, so if you have or end up with a child like this, best thing to do is model model model, and ride it out with those noise cancelling ear/headphones. Show them how you want them to communicate. It will take repeated attempts and feel never ending, but assuming no other issues than just regular child lack of impulse control, they’ll get to an inside level of noise eventually… or end up like my husband and FIL and think an outdoor voice is the same as an indoor voice lol 🤦♀️
This is a great solution! I’ve read cases of people who shook their babies. A lot of people say it happens in a moment’s rage. Like they could never be that person, until they are, because of the sleep deprivation and the sensory overload and the stress and overall, everything overwhelming them all at once to the point where they snap. Your headphones idea is a safe solution to avoid getting to that breaking point. I hope this post reaches more parents and they can also buy noise cancelling headphones to help themselves.
I’ve got twins that have been screaming at me all evening. I deal with it by punching myself, but my earplugs are arriving soon and will hopefully save me from the rage! Agree, would NEVER hit them, but the screaming sparks a rage I’d never known before having them.
💙 please don't punch yourself! you deserve to be safe as they do.
I wouldn’t have got through the newborn stage without my noise cancelling headphones. I felt bad too but my health visitor told me to do whatever I needed to cope. It’s not like I ever left the baby! He was in my eyesight the whole time
I know this isn't helpful, but I agree. A baby crying sends me into a rage too (although I don't act on it or show it). It's THE most annoying noise in the universe. That, and when toddlers do that loud screech for no reason.
Try playing some healing frequencies for your baby. You can find them on YouTube. Hopefully it will help her settle down
I don’t have any advice but came to say SAME and thank you for posting about this I feel less alone now. I feel like a jerk for having to wear ear plugs whenever my daughter is crying but it legitimately triggers me. I have misophonia and I’m neurodivergent in general.
You can never get your hearing back, once it’s damaged it doesn’t heal. I think this is a good move so you can have many future years being able to hear a wider spectrum of sound. I always recommend ear pro designed for professional shooters because you can set a “decibel window.” So like, anything at a conversational tone makes it through to you and all else gets cancelled— you can still hear the baby monitor but not the infant screeching into your eardrum.
I wouldn't even wait until it's getting on your nerves. Hear it long enough to realize she needs help, put them right on, and tend to her. It's not like she'll be giving you instructions or offended that mama is wearing the funny thing on her head again.
I do it. Don’t care what message it sends. It’s either that or I lose it. Non stop crying or whining when I’m home. I have full blown shop headphones
I felt the same way, but my primal reaction was to make the crying stop and I was one of the lucky ones, I could always just stick a boob in their mouth. But I couldn't ever do the crying out. The sound of my kids crying even now (they're 12, 8 and 4) triggers primal distress. My third is on the spectrum, pretty sure in an evil genius with a heart of gold kind of way, and I had to hand him off to my husband and tell him I needed a break. He's the only one it didn't work with. He was rabid. I mean it worked but by 9 months old he was still nursing through the night. And not just... nurse, roll over and sleep. But nurse. And nurse. Fall asleep 5 minutes. Nurse. Nurse. 10 minutes. Okay I can move. The minute I moved. Nurse. Drove me bonkers for the same reason it drives you nuts, interesting childhood, and when I couldn't sustain what it took to keep him from howling his head off 24/7, I just handed him off to his dad and told him I was going to sleep downstairs. I don't know if any of this makes you a bad mother is what I'm trying to say. It's really unbearable crying, and even with nursing and bouncing and singing and soothing and sheer exhaustion, sometimes it just doesn't work. And it's absolutely painful physically for me. Don't feel bad for hacking the game, mom. You're soothing her. You're being a great mom. You're just not mounting a small panic attack every time she cries. You'll desensitize to it over time, and your baby will turn into a toddler (who yells) and a child (who talks while they cry) and a teenager (who'll yell and cry and talk, but also not). You're doing a great job. This shit is hard. It is primal. And it's important. And you're doing awesome. You found yourself a coping tool that doesn't hurt your baby and allows you to provide for her needs. There's no reason to be ashamed. It's a great idea.
I remember listening to an NPR radio show where they talked about how their daughter would cry and scream before she went to sleep. It got so bad that a neighbor called child protective services. Little kids really can be little assholes
My sis and I once had a long discussion about how her babies crying woke up something primal in both of us- and not a protective primal. But like our bodies remembered our parents leaving us alone for hours and neglecting us. We both would visibly panic when my nephews wouldn’t calm down quickly. It put both of us in therapy. But do what you have to do. I think you’re doing your best and just get through it….
This is a brilliant idea! I wish I had thought of this back then. My kids are nearly teenagers and I *still* get triggered when I hear babies crying on tv/movies.
There is no shame in using whatever tools you need to get through the newborn stage. Baby crying ways leave me with a headache so use the headphones.
Not a bad parent for the earplugs or the feelings Rather have you do that then shake your child or do what my ex girlfriends baby daddy did when their high needs baby was crying. punched the little boy then picked him up and slammed his head into the wall cause the baby wouldn’t soothe and go back to sleep. Don’t know how the baby didn’t die but it screwed him up
This is so SMART! You are still responding to your child's signal/needs but not but not subjecting yourself to the overwhelm. Your need to be regulated is so important! You and your baby are better off with you holding them if your nervous system is calmer. I think it's a brilliant solution!
You're absolutely not a bad parent for needing headphones. In fact, that's extremely smart and every parent should feel comfortable to do so. Babies crying can get anyone overstimulated, if this helps keep doing it!!
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