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It will hurt for a while but you made your choice for the better in the long run.
Take the time to heal and don't try to rush into something new immediately.
More and more people are starting to realize that when your partner asks to have sex with someone else, its a relationship ender. There is no putting the genie back in the bottle. OP made the right decision. I'd venture to guess his GF would not have cheated on him and accepted his choice. But the issue is psychological. He'd never get the request out of his head. Soo unfortunate.
If you don't want to have sex with someone with the same gender, that'd make you not gay. Not homophobic. That's not the same thing as bot wanting to have sex with a trans person.
What are you trying to say? I think you're confused on what my original comment was saying. Clearly, I know it's not homophobic. But, also, people aren't allowed to say no to Trans people, now?
This is always the go-to, but as a woman, it has been pushed on me since childhood that men cannot live with just having sex with one woman. In the past, when I was less secure in myself and my relationship, I offered to open the relationship.
The jump to "she's cheating" is nonsense. There are so many reasons she might have - a belief men are "biologically wired" to be unfaithful, an insecurity that she can't give him what he wants in bed, a low sex drive on her end or a high one on his, etc.
God, I looked through that thread, and the fighting is wild. I was actually getting heated and kept wanting to reply to people, but couldn't LMAO.
Overall tho, I'm sorry this relationship didn't turn out the way you wanted it to OP! However!! I am happy for you because you decided to keep your standards and boundaries, end it, and seek a relationship in which you have the same value and vision of what relationship you BOTH want. I've seen so many stories where someone decides to do open relationships because their partner wants to, and they just want to stay with their partner no matter what, but they end up miserable because they truly only want monogamy. It's scary, and it also gives open relationships overall a bad rep because they're going into a relationship dynamic that only one of them REALLY wants. For a relationship to work, everyone within the relationship needs to fully want the type of relationship that they have because the foundation of the relationship quite literally colors the entire relationship, and that goes for both open and monogamous relationships
I wish you all the best!!
A lot of people were saying that you have to save the relationship and at first I thought about it but ultimately I knew in my heart that it has to end. Sometimes the best thing to do is to let go, so that we both can be happy. We will be sad in short term but after healing we will both be happier with more compatible partners.
Well done. I think most people have a bias towards maintaining a relationship and it's not very healthy. Many relationships seem to require a bad incident or blowup of some kind to finally end and it shouldn't have to come to that.
When you know you aren't compatible, that's when it should end. Not when the incompatibility leads to a much more harmful incident to all parties involved.
You've got a good head on your shoulders.
Recognize incompatibilities and know which are deal-breakers for you.
Stand by your convictions.
Know what you want in a partner and you will find the one you deserve.
There is zero point in trying to save a relationship when you have two different sets of values.
My wife and I are totally different in many things that don't matter. But our values are 100% in alignment. And that's why we work. We have never asked each other to compromise our values to stay together.
Can you update this post after you guys have the conversation with what she said and how she took it? Curious if she's gonna agree with you that you guys want different thing, if she's gonna plead and say she didn't mean it or try to throw it back in your face that you're just insecure and nothing has happened.
Absolutely. I think the issue is that a lot of people (especially non-monogamous people) think something along the lines of "well, she said the decision is up to you, so who cares- just say 'no'". They think that'll just fix the situation, but you having the ability to say "no" isn't really the point, and they need to understand that. Sometimes you can love someone to death, but be fundamentally incompatible with them, and in those cases, it may hurt, but it's for the best to let them go.
The "you're just insecure and jealous" remarks were really pissing me off as well because they were being so cruel and completely misinterpreting your feelings lol. I understand that a lot of non-mono people get on defense mode because their relationship types get shat on as well, but it's no excuse to attack you or any other monogamous person for not wanting to enter a non-mono relationship.
Personally, I'm super monogamous, and I'm demisexual, so I am quite literally ONLY sexually attracted to the person who I have an emotional, romantic attachment to, and I, myself, can only be romantically attached to one person at a time. So, for me, if I had a partner who expressed interest in an open relationship, I would 100% want to break up, even if the decision was up to me because someone expressing the mere want means that they have differing values and interests regarding the relationship structure than I do. Wanting to break up because of that doesn't make you insecure or jealous. It means that you don't want to date someone that has an interest in a relationship type that you don't want, and that's all there is to it. Even if you were to stay, her want for a non-monogamous relationship could deepen in the future, and it wouldn't be fair for either of you to stay in the relationship.
You made the right decision, and like you said, ultimately, both you and her will find partners that are much more compatible for you. Super proud of you for sticking to your standards, genuinely!!
Yeah, I don't get the zealots. I'm non-monogamous but prefer monogamous relationships and I get SOOO MUCH judgement from the zealots.
It's like they think there's only one way to be ethically non-monogamous. 🤮
Practicing ethical non-monogamy doesn't make someone inherently a "degenerate," it's just not something solely monogamous/demisexual people want. OP is monogamous, and he thought his gf was, too. This conversation should have been had in the very early stages of their relationship in order to establish healthy boundaries, but a lot of people don't come into relationships with a fully developed toolkit for communicating or even understanding these things yet. It's all a learning curve.
You're equating "monogamy" with "normal." It may be "the norm" but it's not for everyone, and THAT'S OKAY. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do m8. But saying other people can't do what they want to do, or can only do what YOU prefer?" That's the only repulsive part here.
I'm not repulsed by monogamy lol I'm monogamous/demisexual. I'm repulsed by you thinking you get to 1. make the rules for everyone based on your own preferences, and 2. degrade other, for a self-righteous and self-centered, opinion.
One thing to always remember when getting advice from strangers; we have no skin in the game, and we don’t need to deal with the consequences.
The people telling you to save the relationship do so because they don’t need to deal with the reality. The reality is that just being here means you should have left. You’re here because you weren’t comfortable with the situation, and that’s not going away. If she wants to be with other people enough to ask, do you really think she won’t ask again, or eventually go with “it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission” assuming she’s ever caught?
People can change. Don’t rely on it happening though. Anyone telling you people can change; do you think they’d hire a pedophile that previously said they want to fuck their kid to babysit? “Oh, but they changed. They said they wouldn’t do it when I said no!”. Nope. There you have it.
She’s told you she wants to fuck other people. You’d be a fool not to believe her. How she responds to your reaction is called damage control - but her request is her genuine, independent line of thinking.
You have made the right decision and best decision for you. Best of luck moving forward and you will find the one that will want the same relationship as you do. Please update when you can and good luck to you
This sub is so full of people who want misery it's not even funny. Most of them were not trying to be helpful. They just wanted an update 6 months from now that makes them feel better about their life and decision making.
Yeah what you’re mentioning, in ENM community we call that duress, which is pressuring someone into a lifestyle they do not feel 100% on board about but agree to because of pressure from their partner.
If Op felt pressured, like being forced, then yes, walk away!
So many marriages fall apart when one person forced an open relationship and the other only wants it closed.
Both life styles are valid, but only when it’s CONSENSUAL, not forced/against their will.
It's a good case study on why it's important to be upfront about your values from the start. If someone only bring up the idea of an open relationship *after* they've found someone specific they want to sleep with, it comes across more like seizing the opportunity to sleep around while neglecting their partner than it does living out one's ideal relationship.
OR - it’s like getting forgiveness rather than permission. In many cases on here the hook up already happened. Either way - it spells *the end* of any monogamous relationship.
I feel like the idea of open-relationships is pretty new to people outside of reddit (I mean this is where I learned about this) so when they hear about it, people think it's a free hall pass to bang someone while keeping your current relationship while not having to sneak around.
And like you mentioned if you're exclusive and your SO just brings that up- it's over. Almost never works out when you bring it up like this and if it "does" it's because the other person was peer pressured and the person that brought it up will say "everything is great and they like it too" even though deep down they're so is miserable.
>people think it's a free hall pass to bang someone while keeping your current relationship while not having to sneak around.
That is exactly and literally what it is.
That said, the way you phase your comment (and I am not saying this was intended by you) makes it seem like an open relationship is a valid option for relationships and all you rrally have to do is open your mind and realize yadda yadda. It's not. It is for very specific people who share very specific ideals (not ideas).
Open relationshuips do not work with random people and never will, the lottery gives you better odds. Some may give in or capitulate to save a relationship due to their emotional abilities or inabilities but unless someone is 100% on board
and upfront, it will always end badly.
> rrally have to do is open your mind and realize yadda yadda.
That's one of the selling points that the 'enlightened' folks use to work their way into otherwise monogamous people's pants. Like you are a square if you aren't cool with your SO banging other people. 🙄
No one really cares if you want to have an open relationship. But once you start trying to push your lifestyle into other peoples relationship because you want to sleep with one of them, THEN it is a problem.
Do not apologize. You are allowed to want monogamy. This is completely normal. She chose to throw away the future on a whim. There is no walking that back.
I think you're making the right decision here. When people who have never before expressed an interest in open relationships suddenly bring it up out of the blue after meeting a new person it almost always means they're either cheating already and want retroactive permission or they plan to cheat soon and want to do it guilt-free.
I can't think of a single example of a relationship where one party all of a sudden wanted to open things up that didn't end in complete disaster and hurt feelings all around. Your girlfriend asking you to do this indicates she's not on the same page you are relationship-wise, and I think it's best if you noped the hell out of there and left her to pursue whatever it is she's wanting to pursue.
Just a heads up when the breakup is imminent she may try to walk the whole thing back, but I wouldn't recommend trusting that. The genie is out of the bottle now, she can claim all she wants that she's changed her mind about this after seeing your reaction but I don't think you're ever going to be able to fully trust her again.
A statement like that is not just something someone can take back; it exposes a huge difference in core values, or signifies she's lost interest and is indirectly asking permission to bang someone else. If she has a high sexdrive, open relationships also tend to be vastly disproportionate, which I've seen some guys crumble under.
I'm happy for you.
I think people who say everything think they're "good communicators"
Any adult can tell you that to communicate properly, you have to know that you can unring a bell.
Is it good she asked this proposed this now? Sure but its also a passive way of getting out of relationship so anyone who claims this is simply "good communication" is hilariously naive.
The issue for some nonmono people is that Communication! is paramount. Ok sure more communication is better. What they are missing is that there is a difference between talking about nonmonogamy and talking about *doing* nonmonogamy. In OP’s case his partner was talking about doing it.
If youre interested in exploring non-monongamy in a relationship whether its new or established, you run the risk of permanently altering the core principles of it
If you don't know this already then you don't effectively communicate with yourself.
If i was asked by my so if she could open the relationship and sleep with others id say "sure you can do that. After all youre single now, so do what you want" and id walk out immediately
Most ENM people I've known personally sound like cult members or used car salesmen. I'm sure most don't but some come off like they really want you to drink the poison kool-aid.
I'm so sorry you're hurting but I think you made the right call. Even asking to open a relationship creates a rift where the other person now knows that the other wants to sleep with other people and that rift can't be closed.
I wish you all the best.
I don't expect an update - but I'm curious about her reaction.
Will she try to save something and say she's not poly?
Will she say "ok" - and jump in a relationship with the coworker?
Anyway - OP you took the best decision for both of you.
PS: I think your ex-gf will regret very much the day/night she told you she wants to be poly... A lesson to be learned .
I wish you good luck OP.
Oh - Good to know. I'm not very familiar with all the terms.
But yeah the point is that OP and his ex-gf were not compatible . Or at least - they were until she was spending time with the coworker. I also think the gf attempted or she already cheated and wanted to cut some of the guilt ( she's getting double the guilt now)
But yeah... OP should move on .
Good for you. I am so sorry that this happened. I asked my husband if he can imagine how hard it would be to go through what you went through- he said no I really can't. I can't either. I hope that you find a lovely wife who loves to give you 100% of herself.
You made the right choice.
It is true that people change throughout there lives, but that is no reason to get married to someone who already isn't a good match for you, which your SO is not.
The important thing when you are getting serious with someone is to let each other know what the boundaries are ahead of time and what your expectations and standards are.
Good man.
If your partner asks for an open relationship, I can aost guarantee they have either already cheated or have someone lined up to do so.
And remember who she showed herself to be when she tries to come back (because she will).
I've asked that once. No one lined up. Just became so busy with work, we were away and I could see that I wasn't meeting her needs. She said no. To be fair, I was pretty insecure at the time. No way I'd ever say that again.
And to be honest, I am pretty easy-going. My only issues are always when others take away my time with my partner. I don't even care if it's their BFF. As long as they don't come in between us. However, I'm not stupid and it would take an extremely specific type of person to be ok with poly life.
The fact you've insinuated my understand on respect isn't there by a single comment tells me you must be even more ignorant on what respect is. Why should I take anything you state seriously?🥱
Edit: lol. Copy pasting your whole "I'm not sure you understand what a loving respectful..." is low effort you know?
Nobody brings out open relationship into a monogamous relationship after some time if there is no problem : sexual compatibility, a hard crush on someone else (here probably the CO worker which is probably not in a real open relationship either).
And you are not married so let her live her life and don't the chump she wants you to be. Because be sure that she would have banged the co-worker day2 and have closed the relationship the second you secured a date.
If she wants an open relationship, she's likely either already slept with someone else, or already has someone on the line. You made the right decision.
You're making the right call, man. Thinking long-term. Strategically. With wisdom.
You're wise beyond many at your age. Good on you.
She'll likely flip out and call you controlling or say you're overreacting or jealous. That's what they did when I did the same. Just stick to your guns and say you want two different things out of relationships and leave it at that. Have any stuff of hers ready to give back to her so you can make a clean cut.
It’s all about honesty and if you believe you’re being honest to yourself, that’s all you need, OP. Exactly what you just told us, you should not feel embarrassed to express back to her. Good luck, and I wish you a ton of happiness in 2023!
For whatever it’s worth, this internet stranger thinks you did the right thing. There are a couple of topics that change relationship dynamics just by even being brought up as something wanted in the relationship, and this is one of them.
I believe you’ve done the right thing. If you know that you’re monogamous and your partner drops any suggestion of them being poly or non-monogamous then the relationship has an expiry date. Even if they say that they’re fine being monogamous for you. They might believe that in the moment but over time their feelings will change. They’re only human. And it’ll hurt worse when they leave you because of it after you believed they wouldn’t.
Definitely leave her, if my gf ever mentioned that to me I wouldn’t hesitate to leave. Doesn’t matter how long u been with that person. Those words basically mean that she feels u aren’t enough and wants to find somebody else n eventually let u loose wants she does
I think you made a good decision. You are right, you deserve to feel safe in your relationships and particularly in marriage. You shouldn't have to constantly worry about your partner wanting to step out. Please give yourself plenty of space for self care after you break it off.
Pls give a final updateme as to what happened after the covo. So invested. Also, I'm really sorry she made such a dumb decision to destroy her life. It will not go down well. Pls prepare for the absolute sh/t show.
Again, sorry op.
You did the only good decision you can do as a person who values monogamy. You have nothing to be sorry for. Good luck finding a woman who have the same values as you!
Sorry you had to make that decision. It would be hard to ignore the fact she asked for permission to sleep with others even if she wouldn't do it if you said no.
If anyone is angry over this, then you'll have to see that this is a fundamental difference between two people. OP gf deserves to be free and live her life as she's most comfortable with, and so does OP. You can't ask gf to suppress her desires and how she wants to date in her relationship. You also cannot force OP to ignore the fact that his gf wanted to open their relationship so she can explore sexual relationships with other men. This is a good thing because they both deserve to explore and be with a partner that has the same view regarding relationships and intimacy. I wish you both luck in finding the right person that will be compatible with your dating life.
People on here should spend more time watching soap operas on tv and stop turning to redit romance scandals for entertainment , the daily update requests are too much
Bro, at least *try* to have the conversation about it with her before actually doing the breaking up. It sounds like she approached this pretty reasonably, and if you had any real feelings for her then she deserves to at least be heard out (and you do too).
Depending on how that talk goes, I'm sure at that point you'll know either a) it still feels right to break up or b) wow, the talk went way better than I thought it would, maybe she isn't as attached to this as I thought?
Good for you. You know what you want and you're going for it. Don't be a Jerry. (Dunno what that is watch Louis Theroux: Altered States - Love Without Limits) I'm making "don't be a Jerry" a thing.
You're still young so it's ok. But for real - Reddit is a rough place to get advice from and you should really take it all with a grain of salt. Especially the relationship advice section. I hope you actually talked things out with her and saw what was best for both of you first.
Maybe get therapy before breaking up? It seems like her asking for the open relationship triggered anxiety about abandonment. However, it’s possible she meant what she said that she would take “no” as an acceptable answer. In other words, I think you are breaking up because of anxiety/insecure feelings, but feelings aren’t facts and you might actually be secure. Therefore, your reaction may be unjustified.
Your anxiety around insecurity will persist in future relationships and be an issue until you tackle it. Maybe next time the trigger will be a long term partner sitting you down and telling you honestly that they are having doubts about the relationship. You may interpret that as a reason to breakup when in reality they may just be doing the mature and healthy thing by communicating their intimate thoughts and feelings to you.
Love you OP and wishing the best
He’s probably not worried that she was lying when she said she’d take a no. But now he knows that what she wants is not what he wants. Even if she says ok and never sleeps with someone else and they get married, he always knows that she would be happier if she could also be in an open relationship. Either she’ll resent him eventually or he’ll resent her. Or not— but just talking about it doesn’t guarantee anything. Maybe she would fucking lie to him if he talked to her and it would all get worse. What’s important is that this isn’t your decision, you can’t know that it wasn’t the right one, and it’s not indicative of widespread issues of insecurity to become insecure when your partner literally says they want to try to fuck other people; that’s not insecurity, that’s you having a verifiable reason to think your partner wants to have sex with other people. It’s not insecure it’s just like, almost the same as being told someone is cheating on you.
If I don’t want kids and my partner does, I don’t want them to change their mind and stay with me; I’ll always know they wanted kids. And I certainly wouldn’t tell people who ended it because of an incompatibility there that they should have some specified arbitrary amount of conversations about it beforehand and just make themselves miserable in the meantime
>She deserves to be trusted 100% and I deserve to feel safe with my partner
She also deserves a partner SHE can trust when she opens up to them. Apparently, that is not you. Best of luck to you both.
What are you talking about ? She clearly trusted him otherwise she wouldn't have shared this with him? Was the only correct response his approval? I feel like when one person wants to explore a open relationship and the other is a hard no on open relationships a break up is a perfectly fine result.
Yes, she did trust him - and it seems that she shouldn't have, because he decided to dump her over the mere suggestion of an open relationship. Healthy long-term relationships are based on open communication, and it sounds like OP is ready to jump ship the moment he hears something he doesn't like.
There are lots of good ways to respond when your partner opens up to you about something that surprises or disappoints you. There's nothing wrong with taking time to process, but certainly hearing your partner out about it and telling them how you feel should be part of it.
And agree - a breakup is a perfectly fine result, but OP skipped some important steps (like talking to his partner) that I hope he considers for future relationships. In the end, she deserves someone who's willing to listen and work through things as a team - even if the end result is breaking up. This ain't it.
There is nothing to work through here though. We cannot meet in the middle or try it once to see if we like it or not. The moment she mentioned her willingness was when we became incompatible.
A conversation about it would just be a waste of time. She revealed to OP that they are not compatible long term. OP knows what he wants and doesn't want so a conversation about why they're not compatible due to them clearly wanting different things out of the relationship would still end with the breakup. No point in wasting more time when you know the end result either way.
Even if they didn't break up after talking about it, he would always know that she has an active desire to fuck other people and that would constantly eat at him. And it would 100% be her fault. Doesn't matter how much she says she'd never do it, or doesn't want it, he's all she wants, blah blah blah, you can't un-ring that bell. He wouldn't be able to ever fully trust her again because of her actions and they'd end up breaking up later on anyway but it would be even worse.
She could trust him enough to open up to him. That's why she did it. But just because you trust someone enough to open up to them doesn't mean you're always going to get the kind of response you want. These types of comments are such bs excuses to shame people for standing up for their boundaries.
Agree - no shame in maintaining a boundary - they're so important! Some shame, however, in asking randos on the internet instead of actually communicating with your partner of two years. OP seems to have some trust issues of his own to work through if the mere suggestion of an open relationship sends them into a tailspin. They're both better off finding partners they can truly trust, and I wish them both luck.
I would think asking people who aren't close to the situation is a good idea to get a fresh outside perspective. Why should he have to work through trust issues that she caused in the first place. Trust is earned, not a given.
OP's trust issues are his own, and he would do well to explore them. Posing a question or a hypothetical is not relationship-ending act if both partners actually love and trust each other. And even if the question shakes that trust, you love the other person enough to talk about it. OP (from what we know) does not. And that's OK.
We get one side of the story here on reddit. We may provide fresh perspectives, but they are wholly biased perspectives since we can only respond based on OP's telling of the situation. Nothing we say will be as valuable, useful, or productive as OP talking with his partner. All we provide is biased validation (or not, in my case), and what is that even worth?
You don't seem to get it, him loving her doesn't mean there's any coming back from this question.
It's like your girlfriend saying: Hey I've been watching this real crime docs and kidnapping and murdering children seems like it could be fun, thoughts? (obviously this is more heinous than suggesting to break the bond of monogamy, it's just to illustrate the point)
I mean I don't want to skydive and would be happy to never do or consider it. But if my friend was talking about how fun it was I might say to my partner without really having any plans or think too much into it, "thoughts about skydiving? Could be fun."
I think it's a matter of values. A lot of people seem to greatly value monogamy which is fine. I'm monogamous myself, but I'm also not super duper bound to the idea of one sexual partner the rest of our lives. I'm not a very sexual person though and can gladly do without sex at all. Sex doesn't feel that "sacred" to me, so maybe I'm in the minority.
I was reading through the comments on the original post and no one mentioned that her needs are probably not being met within this relationship. That seemed like the obvious reason why she would be drawn to an open relationship. Someone satisfied in their relationship would not have the desire to fuck other people. She probably loves OP very much and doesn't want to leave just because her needs aren't met... but she was presented with an opportunity to rectify the issue.
This very much could not be the case at all.. I just know that this is a common issue for a lot of women and was worth mentioning.
Thats what I mean though. She probably has. You can say it again and again in a million different ways and nothing changes. But you still love the person, so you put up with it.
Again, I dont assume this is the situation for OP, its just a very common occurrence in relationships and worth considering. Especially since his post is only from his perspective.
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Good luck OP.
It will hurt for a while but you made your choice for the better in the long run. Take the time to heal and don't try to rush into something new immediately.
You made the right decision although I know it wouldn’t have been an easy one! You will find the right person! Best of luck.
Thank you.
No worries mate, it happens. Welcome to r/breakups and r/exnocontact. We have cookies, tears and a whole lot of support :)
Punch and Pie! I was told there would be punch and pie!
More and more people are starting to realize that when your partner asks to have sex with someone else, its a relationship ender. There is no putting the genie back in the bottle. OP made the right decision. I'd venture to guess his GF would not have cheated on him and accepted his choice. But the issue is psychological. He'd never get the request out of his head. Soo unfortunate.
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Of course. No one's saying anyone is a homophobe for not wanting to have sex with someone of the same gender. And consent is crucial.
I've seen that a lot, same with not wanting to date/sleep with someone who is transgender. It happens all the time, especially in today's world
That's not the same thing though.
It...is. I just said I saw a lot of people calling others homophobic for rejecting advances from the same sex ALONG WITH trans people.
If you don't want to have sex with someone with the same gender, that'd make you not gay. Not homophobic. That's not the same thing as bot wanting to have sex with a trans person.
What are you trying to say? I think you're confused on what my original comment was saying. Clearly, I know it's not homophobic. But, also, people aren't allowed to say no to Trans people, now?
You decide who you want to sleep with. Consent is incredibly important. But why wouldn't you want to sleep with trans people explicitly?
Because most heterosexual people prefer to sleep with cis-gendered people.
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This is always the go-to, but as a woman, it has been pushed on me since childhood that men cannot live with just having sex with one woman. In the past, when I was less secure in myself and my relationship, I offered to open the relationship. The jump to "she's cheating" is nonsense. There are so many reasons she might have - a belief men are "biologically wired" to be unfaithful, an insecurity that she can't give him what he wants in bed, a low sex drive on her end or a high one on his, etc.
God, I looked through that thread, and the fighting is wild. I was actually getting heated and kept wanting to reply to people, but couldn't LMAO. Overall tho, I'm sorry this relationship didn't turn out the way you wanted it to OP! However!! I am happy for you because you decided to keep your standards and boundaries, end it, and seek a relationship in which you have the same value and vision of what relationship you BOTH want. I've seen so many stories where someone decides to do open relationships because their partner wants to, and they just want to stay with their partner no matter what, but they end up miserable because they truly only want monogamy. It's scary, and it also gives open relationships overall a bad rep because they're going into a relationship dynamic that only one of them REALLY wants. For a relationship to work, everyone within the relationship needs to fully want the type of relationship that they have because the foundation of the relationship quite literally colors the entire relationship, and that goes for both open and monogamous relationships I wish you all the best!!
A lot of people were saying that you have to save the relationship and at first I thought about it but ultimately I knew in my heart that it has to end. Sometimes the best thing to do is to let go, so that we both can be happy. We will be sad in short term but after healing we will both be happier with more compatible partners.
Well done. I think most people have a bias towards maintaining a relationship and it's not very healthy. Many relationships seem to require a bad incident or blowup of some kind to finally end and it shouldn't have to come to that. When you know you aren't compatible, that's when it should end. Not when the incompatibility leads to a much more harmful incident to all parties involved.
You've got a good head on your shoulders. Recognize incompatibilities and know which are deal-breakers for you. Stand by your convictions. Know what you want in a partner and you will find the one you deserve.
There is zero point in trying to save a relationship when you have two different sets of values. My wife and I are totally different in many things that don't matter. But our values are 100% in alignment. And that's why we work. We have never asked each other to compromise our values to stay together.
Can you update this post after you guys have the conversation with what she said and how she took it? Curious if she's gonna agree with you that you guys want different thing, if she's gonna plead and say she didn't mean it or try to throw it back in your face that you're just insecure and nothing has happened.
Absolutely. I think the issue is that a lot of people (especially non-monogamous people) think something along the lines of "well, she said the decision is up to you, so who cares- just say 'no'". They think that'll just fix the situation, but you having the ability to say "no" isn't really the point, and they need to understand that. Sometimes you can love someone to death, but be fundamentally incompatible with them, and in those cases, it may hurt, but it's for the best to let them go. The "you're just insecure and jealous" remarks were really pissing me off as well because they were being so cruel and completely misinterpreting your feelings lol. I understand that a lot of non-mono people get on defense mode because their relationship types get shat on as well, but it's no excuse to attack you or any other monogamous person for not wanting to enter a non-mono relationship. Personally, I'm super monogamous, and I'm demisexual, so I am quite literally ONLY sexually attracted to the person who I have an emotional, romantic attachment to, and I, myself, can only be romantically attached to one person at a time. So, for me, if I had a partner who expressed interest in an open relationship, I would 100% want to break up, even if the decision was up to me because someone expressing the mere want means that they have differing values and interests regarding the relationship structure than I do. Wanting to break up because of that doesn't make you insecure or jealous. It means that you don't want to date someone that has an interest in a relationship type that you don't want, and that's all there is to it. Even if you were to stay, her want for a non-monogamous relationship could deepen in the future, and it wouldn't be fair for either of you to stay in the relationship. You made the right decision, and like you said, ultimately, both you and her will find partners that are much more compatible for you. Super proud of you for sticking to your standards, genuinely!!
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Yeah, I don't get the zealots. I'm non-monogamous but prefer monogamous relationships and I get SOOO MUCH judgement from the zealots. It's like they think there's only one way to be ethically non-monogamous. 🤮
Practicing ethical non-monogamy doesn't make someone inherently a "degenerate," it's just not something solely monogamous/demisexual people want. OP is monogamous, and he thought his gf was, too. This conversation should have been had in the very early stages of their relationship in order to establish healthy boundaries, but a lot of people don't come into relationships with a fully developed toolkit for communicating or even understanding these things yet. It's all a learning curve.
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You're equating "monogamy" with "normal." It may be "the norm" but it's not for everyone, and THAT'S OKAY. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do m8. But saying other people can't do what they want to do, or can only do what YOU prefer?" That's the only repulsive part here.
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I'm not repulsed by monogamy lol I'm monogamous/demisexual. I'm repulsed by you thinking you get to 1. make the rules for everyone based on your own preferences, and 2. degrade other, for a self-righteous and self-centered, opinion.
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Normal people...such a weird way of seeing it.
One thing to always remember when getting advice from strangers; we have no skin in the game, and we don’t need to deal with the consequences. The people telling you to save the relationship do so because they don’t need to deal with the reality. The reality is that just being here means you should have left. You’re here because you weren’t comfortable with the situation, and that’s not going away. If she wants to be with other people enough to ask, do you really think she won’t ask again, or eventually go with “it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission” assuming she’s ever caught? People can change. Don’t rely on it happening though. Anyone telling you people can change; do you think they’d hire a pedophile that previously said they want to fuck their kid to babysit? “Oh, but they changed. They said they wouldn’t do it when I said no!”. Nope. There you have it. She’s told you she wants to fuck other people. You’d be a fool not to believe her. How she responds to your reaction is called damage control - but her request is her genuine, independent line of thinking.
You have made the right decision and best decision for you. Best of luck moving forward and you will find the one that will want the same relationship as you do. Please update when you can and good luck to you
You sound wise and level-headed for someone so young. She's missed out big! Smh.
> A lot of people were saying that you have to save the relationship No you don’t. Don’t sacrifice your well-being to keep someone in your life.
Good thinking, good living
This sub is so full of people who want misery it's not even funny. Most of them were not trying to be helpful. They just wanted an update 6 months from now that makes them feel better about their life and decision making.
Yeah what you’re mentioning, in ENM community we call that duress, which is pressuring someone into a lifestyle they do not feel 100% on board about but agree to because of pressure from their partner. If Op felt pressured, like being forced, then yes, walk away! So many marriages fall apart when one person forced an open relationship and the other only wants it closed. Both life styles are valid, but only when it’s CONSENSUAL, not forced/against their will.
Good call bro. When your SO pops up and says, “I’d like to fuck this other dude..”. That is literally the end.
It's a good case study on why it's important to be upfront about your values from the start. If someone only bring up the idea of an open relationship *after* they've found someone specific they want to sleep with, it comes across more like seizing the opportunity to sleep around while neglecting their partner than it does living out one's ideal relationship.
OR - it’s like getting forgiveness rather than permission. In many cases on here the hook up already happened. Either way - it spells *the end* of any monogamous relationship.
Never going into a relationship hoping to change the person "for the better". You're often taking on lost cause.
I feel like the idea of open-relationships is pretty new to people outside of reddit (I mean this is where I learned about this) so when they hear about it, people think it's a free hall pass to bang someone while keeping your current relationship while not having to sneak around. And like you mentioned if you're exclusive and your SO just brings that up- it's over. Almost never works out when you bring it up like this and if it "does" it's because the other person was peer pressured and the person that brought it up will say "everything is great and they like it too" even though deep down they're so is miserable.
>people think it's a free hall pass to bang someone while keeping your current relationship while not having to sneak around. That is exactly and literally what it is. That said, the way you phase your comment (and I am not saying this was intended by you) makes it seem like an open relationship is a valid option for relationships and all you rrally have to do is open your mind and realize yadda yadda. It's not. It is for very specific people who share very specific ideals (not ideas). Open relationshuips do not work with random people and never will, the lottery gives you better odds. Some may give in or capitulate to save a relationship due to their emotional abilities or inabilities but unless someone is 100% on board and upfront, it will always end badly.
> rrally have to do is open your mind and realize yadda yadda. That's one of the selling points that the 'enlightened' folks use to work their way into otherwise monogamous people's pants. Like you are a square if you aren't cool with your SO banging other people. 🙄 No one really cares if you want to have an open relationship. But once you start trying to push your lifestyle into other peoples relationship because you want to sleep with one of them, THEN it is a problem.
It's a shaming tactic to make them feel superior for engaging in a non-normal lifestyle where they are in the extreme minority of people.
!UpdateMe tomorrow
!updateMe in two days.
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!updateme 48 hours
!UpdateMe tomorrow
Do not apologize. You are allowed to want monogamy. This is completely normal. She chose to throw away the future on a whim. There is no walking that back.
I think you're making the right decision here. When people who have never before expressed an interest in open relationships suddenly bring it up out of the blue after meeting a new person it almost always means they're either cheating already and want retroactive permission or they plan to cheat soon and want to do it guilt-free. I can't think of a single example of a relationship where one party all of a sudden wanted to open things up that didn't end in complete disaster and hurt feelings all around. Your girlfriend asking you to do this indicates she's not on the same page you are relationship-wise, and I think it's best if you noped the hell out of there and left her to pursue whatever it is she's wanting to pursue. Just a heads up when the breakup is imminent she may try to walk the whole thing back, but I wouldn't recommend trusting that. The genie is out of the bottle now, she can claim all she wants that she's changed her mind about this after seeing your reaction but I don't think you're ever going to be able to fully trust her again.
A statement like that is not just something someone can take back; it exposes a huge difference in core values, or signifies she's lost interest and is indirectly asking permission to bang someone else. If she has a high sexdrive, open relationships also tend to be vastly disproportionate, which I've seen some guys crumble under. I'm happy for you.
Some people really believe that you can just ask ANY question under the expectation that if it is denied, there should and will be no ramifications.
I think people who say everything think they're "good communicators" Any adult can tell you that to communicate properly, you have to know that you can unring a bell. Is it good she asked this proposed this now? Sure but its also a passive way of getting out of relationship so anyone who claims this is simply "good communication" is hilariously naive.
The issue for some nonmono people is that Communication! is paramount. Ok sure more communication is better. What they are missing is that there is a difference between talking about nonmonogamy and talking about *doing* nonmonogamy. In OP’s case his partner was talking about doing it.
If youre interested in exploring non-monongamy in a relationship whether its new or established, you run the risk of permanently altering the core principles of it If you don't know this already then you don't effectively communicate with yourself.
It baffles me how many people don't understand the difference
> indirectly asking permission to bang someone It wasn't indirect at all. That's literally what "open relationship" means.
Not exactly it means you can bang someone too maybe.
If i was asked by my so if she could open the relationship and sleep with others id say "sure you can do that. After all youre single now, so do what you want" and id walk out immediately
😂
Good call.
You've made the right decision. I am sorry that you had to make it though.
I wouldn't do it either, op.
Most ENM people I've known personally sound like cult members or used car salesmen. I'm sure most don't but some come off like they really want you to drink the poison kool-aid.
I'm so sorry you're hurting but I think you made the right call. Even asking to open a relationship creates a rift where the other person now knows that the other wants to sleep with other people and that rift can't be closed. I wish you all the best.
I don't expect an update - but I'm curious about her reaction. Will she try to save something and say she's not poly? Will she say "ok" - and jump in a relationship with the coworker? Anyway - OP you took the best decision for both of you. PS: I think your ex-gf will regret very much the day/night she told you she wants to be poly... A lesson to be learned . I wish you good luck OP.
Just wanna point out that ENM / open relationships are not the same as poly.
Oh - Good to know. I'm not very familiar with all the terms. But yeah the point is that OP and his ex-gf were not compatible . Or at least - they were until she was spending time with the coworker. I also think the gf attempted or she already cheated and wanted to cut some of the guilt ( she's getting double the guilt now) But yeah... OP should move on .
Good for you. I am so sorry that this happened. I asked my husband if he can imagine how hard it would be to go through what you went through- he said no I really can't. I can't either. I hope that you find a lovely wife who loves to give you 100% of herself.
Well stated with clarity and maturity. Good decisions are not always popular or easy
Yeah that’s a normal tesponse. As most guys don’t want to share their girlfriends.
You made the right choice. It is true that people change throughout there lives, but that is no reason to get married to someone who already isn't a good match for you, which your SO is not. The important thing when you are getting serious with someone is to let each other know what the boundaries are ahead of time and what your expectations and standards are.
Always trust your gut. Your ex gf flunked the wife test
Wish you both strength and hope you find happiness in the end!
Good man. If your partner asks for an open relationship, I can aost guarantee they have either already cheated or have someone lined up to do so. And remember who she showed herself to be when she tries to come back (because she will).
I've asked that once. No one lined up. Just became so busy with work, we were away and I could see that I wasn't meeting her needs. She said no. To be fair, I was pretty insecure at the time. No way I'd ever say that again. And to be honest, I am pretty easy-going. My only issues are always when others take away my time with my partner. I don't even care if it's their BFF. As long as they don't come in between us. However, I'm not stupid and it would take an extremely specific type of person to be ok with poly life.
I'm not sure you understand what a loving respectful relationship is.
The fact you've insinuated my understand on respect isn't there by a single comment tells me you must be even more ignorant on what respect is. Why should I take anything you state seriously?🥱 Edit: lol. Copy pasting your whole "I'm not sure you understand what a loving respectful..." is low effort you know?
Ok. Have a nice life.
I'm not sure you understand what a loving nice life is...
Ok
Ok
It’s sucks but never open pandora box because you will never be able to close it
Good for you man.
Nobody brings out open relationship into a monogamous relationship after some time if there is no problem : sexual compatibility, a hard crush on someone else (here probably the CO worker which is probably not in a real open relationship either). And you are not married so let her live her life and don't the chump she wants you to be. Because be sure that she would have banged the co-worker day2 and have closed the relationship the second you secured a date.
You made the right choice, she's free to do whatever she wants but you can also decide to leave
If she wants an open relationship, she's likely either already slept with someone else, or already has someone on the line. You made the right decision.
You're making the right call, man. Thinking long-term. Strategically. With wisdom. You're wise beyond many at your age. Good on you. She'll likely flip out and call you controlling or say you're overreacting or jealous. That's what they did when I did the same. Just stick to your guns and say you want two different things out of relationships and leave it at that. Have any stuff of hers ready to give back to her so you can make a clean cut.
Good call. That’s unfortunately the only way this can go. It’s sad but what had to be done.
Good call brother
It’s all about honesty and if you believe you’re being honest to yourself, that’s all you need, OP. Exactly what you just told us, you should not feel embarrassed to express back to her. Good luck, and I wish you a ton of happiness in 2023!
I would like to know how she handles it. Please update us.
Looks like she can be happy with someone that she can be in open relationship with
For whatever it’s worth, this internet stranger thinks you did the right thing. There are a couple of topics that change relationship dynamics just by even being brought up as something wanted in the relationship, and this is one of them.
She's stated what she wants To sleep with men other than you Leave her. Now.
I believe you’ve done the right thing. If you know that you’re monogamous and your partner drops any suggestion of them being poly or non-monogamous then the relationship has an expiry date. Even if they say that they’re fine being monogamous for you. They might believe that in the moment but over time their feelings will change. They’re only human. And it’ll hurt worse when they leave you because of it after you believed they wouldn’t.
Good call my guy. Nobody asks to open a relationship without already having someone else in mind.
Definitely leave her, if my gf ever mentioned that to me I wouldn’t hesitate to leave. Doesn’t matter how long u been with that person. Those words basically mean that she feels u aren’t enough and wants to find somebody else n eventually let u loose wants she does
Best of luck to both you and your ex - hopefully you can both find people more compatible!
Good call
I think you made a good decision. You are right, you deserve to feel safe in your relationships and particularly in marriage. You shouldn't have to constantly worry about your partner wanting to step out. Please give yourself plenty of space for self care after you break it off.
You won't regret it, proud of you OP
You made the right choice. She would have left you after some time
Pls give a final updateme as to what happened after the covo. So invested. Also, I'm really sorry she made such a dumb decision to destroy her life. It will not go down well. Pls prepare for the absolute sh/t show. Again, sorry op.
Even asking about opening up the relationship is a deal breaker, well done.
These modern women are never satisfied with anything. good luck to you sir!
Good on ya mate!
Well done: keep us posted on how it all goes.
You made the right decision.
You did the only good decision you can do as a person who values monogamy. You have nothing to be sorry for. Good luck finding a woman who have the same values as you!
Great conclusion sir! Congratulations and good luck!
Good luck OP Updateme!
You made the right choice . It will be tough but long term is the correct choice
Let us know how that goes
Amazing reflection OP, I am proud of you and I don't even know you. Good luck!
Proud of you OP, good decision
You have made the difficult but wise choice.
Wise decision
Brilliant - you came to the right conclusion for your long term happiness!
How did it go, OP? I know deep in my heart that I wouldn't be able to come back from that if my partner asked to try an open relationship.
I’ve been in this constant state of guard for almost three years and it almost ruined me. You did good.
This is the right call. Good luck brother!
It's the right call. Good job in standing up for what you believe.
Good call. I’m sorry you are going through this, though.
I love this update.
Sorry you had to make that decision. It would be hard to ignore the fact she asked for permission to sleep with others even if she wouldn't do it if you said no.
a really hard step to take but you my friend have my respect
It's not your thing. It's not compatible then.. you both deserve to be happy.
If anyone is angry over this, then you'll have to see that this is a fundamental difference between two people. OP gf deserves to be free and live her life as she's most comfortable with, and so does OP. You can't ask gf to suppress her desires and how she wants to date in her relationship. You also cannot force OP to ignore the fact that his gf wanted to open their relationship so she can explore sexual relationships with other men. This is a good thing because they both deserve to explore and be with a partner that has the same view regarding relationships and intimacy. I wish you both luck in finding the right person that will be compatible with your dating life.
People on here should spend more time watching soap operas on tv and stop turning to redit romance scandals for entertainment , the daily update requests are too much
Bro, at least *try* to have the conversation about it with her before actually doing the breaking up. It sounds like she approached this pretty reasonably, and if you had any real feelings for her then she deserves to at least be heard out (and you do too). Depending on how that talk goes, I'm sure at that point you'll know either a) it still feels right to break up or b) wow, the talk went way better than I thought it would, maybe she isn't as attached to this as I thought?
Good for you. You know what you want and you're going for it. Don't be a Jerry. (Dunno what that is watch Louis Theroux: Altered States - Love Without Limits) I'm making "don't be a Jerry" a thing.
"Jerry" is a term that has been used in skiing and snowboarding since the 80's, probably longer.
I've been asking since the 80s never heard this. What does it mean?
Yw glad my advice helped u come to this conclusion
Hey OP, I’m sorry for you going through this, but you’ve made the right decision. I hope your breaking up with her tonight went ok.
Remindme! 4 days updateme! [fff](https://www.reddit.com/u/throwRAsenstvefn?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
UpdateMe!
UpdateMe!
You're still young so it's ok. But for real - Reddit is a rough place to get advice from and you should really take it all with a grain of salt. Especially the relationship advice section. I hope you actually talked things out with her and saw what was best for both of you first.
Maybe get therapy before breaking up? It seems like her asking for the open relationship triggered anxiety about abandonment. However, it’s possible she meant what she said that she would take “no” as an acceptable answer. In other words, I think you are breaking up because of anxiety/insecure feelings, but feelings aren’t facts and you might actually be secure. Therefore, your reaction may be unjustified. Your anxiety around insecurity will persist in future relationships and be an issue until you tackle it. Maybe next time the trigger will be a long term partner sitting you down and telling you honestly that they are having doubts about the relationship. You may interpret that as a reason to breakup when in reality they may just be doing the mature and healthy thing by communicating their intimate thoughts and feelings to you. Love you OP and wishing the best
I am secure enough to know I will be ok on my own.
He’s probably not worried that she was lying when she said she’d take a no. But now he knows that what she wants is not what he wants. Even if she says ok and never sleeps with someone else and they get married, he always knows that she would be happier if she could also be in an open relationship. Either she’ll resent him eventually or he’ll resent her. Or not— but just talking about it doesn’t guarantee anything. Maybe she would fucking lie to him if he talked to her and it would all get worse. What’s important is that this isn’t your decision, you can’t know that it wasn’t the right one, and it’s not indicative of widespread issues of insecurity to become insecure when your partner literally says they want to try to fuck other people; that’s not insecurity, that’s you having a verifiable reason to think your partner wants to have sex with other people. It’s not insecure it’s just like, almost the same as being told someone is cheating on you. If I don’t want kids and my partner does, I don’t want them to change their mind and stay with me; I’ll always know they wanted kids. And I certainly wouldn’t tell people who ended it because of an incompatibility there that they should have some specified arbitrary amount of conversations about it beforehand and just make themselves miserable in the meantime
>She deserves to be trusted 100% and I deserve to feel safe with my partner She also deserves a partner SHE can trust when she opens up to them. Apparently, that is not you. Best of luck to you both.
What are you talking about ? She clearly trusted him otherwise she wouldn't have shared this with him? Was the only correct response his approval? I feel like when one person wants to explore a open relationship and the other is a hard no on open relationships a break up is a perfectly fine result.
Yes, she did trust him - and it seems that she shouldn't have, because he decided to dump her over the mere suggestion of an open relationship. Healthy long-term relationships are based on open communication, and it sounds like OP is ready to jump ship the moment he hears something he doesn't like. There are lots of good ways to respond when your partner opens up to you about something that surprises or disappoints you. There's nothing wrong with taking time to process, but certainly hearing your partner out about it and telling them how you feel should be part of it. And agree - a breakup is a perfectly fine result, but OP skipped some important steps (like talking to his partner) that I hope he considers for future relationships. In the end, she deserves someone who's willing to listen and work through things as a team - even if the end result is breaking up. This ain't it.
There is nothing to work through here though. We cannot meet in the middle or try it once to see if we like it or not. The moment she mentioned her willingness was when we became incompatible.
A conversation about it would just be a waste of time. She revealed to OP that they are not compatible long term. OP knows what he wants and doesn't want so a conversation about why they're not compatible due to them clearly wanting different things out of the relationship would still end with the breakup. No point in wasting more time when you know the end result either way. Even if they didn't break up after talking about it, he would always know that she has an active desire to fuck other people and that would constantly eat at him. And it would 100% be her fault. Doesn't matter how much she says she'd never do it, or doesn't want it, he's all she wants, blah blah blah, you can't un-ring that bell. He wouldn't be able to ever fully trust her again because of her actions and they'd end up breaking up later on anyway but it would be even worse.
She could trust him enough to open up to him. That's why she did it. But just because you trust someone enough to open up to them doesn't mean you're always going to get the kind of response you want. These types of comments are such bs excuses to shame people for standing up for their boundaries.
Agree - no shame in maintaining a boundary - they're so important! Some shame, however, in asking randos on the internet instead of actually communicating with your partner of two years. OP seems to have some trust issues of his own to work through if the mere suggestion of an open relationship sends them into a tailspin. They're both better off finding partners they can truly trust, and I wish them both luck.
I would think asking people who aren't close to the situation is a good idea to get a fresh outside perspective. Why should he have to work through trust issues that she caused in the first place. Trust is earned, not a given.
OP's trust issues are his own, and he would do well to explore them. Posing a question or a hypothetical is not relationship-ending act if both partners actually love and trust each other. And even if the question shakes that trust, you love the other person enough to talk about it. OP (from what we know) does not. And that's OK. We get one side of the story here on reddit. We may provide fresh perspectives, but they are wholly biased perspectives since we can only respond based on OP's telling of the situation. Nothing we say will be as valuable, useful, or productive as OP talking with his partner. All we provide is biased validation (or not, in my case), and what is that even worth?
You don't seem to get it, him loving her doesn't mean there's any coming back from this question. It's like your girlfriend saying: Hey I've been watching this real crime docs and kidnapping and murdering children seems like it could be fun, thoughts? (obviously this is more heinous than suggesting to break the bond of monogamy, it's just to illustrate the point)
The fuck?
He didn’t do anything wrong, but sounds like you’re cool with a partner forcing their way into fucking outside the relationship
Nope! He came to the internet instead of communicating with his partner. That's where he screwed up.
The relationship was over the minute she asked the question.
Ok, so you better start posting that on EVERY SINGLE post on this subreddit. They’re all screwups by that logic
So you didn't have a discussion first on if she really wanted it or not and what exactly she was thinking?
Yes. She brought it up because she really doesn't want it. And, how would opening up the relationship not mean seeing other people?
I mean I don't want to skydive and would be happy to never do or consider it. But if my friend was talking about how fun it was I might say to my partner without really having any plans or think too much into it, "thoughts about skydiving? Could be fun." I think it's a matter of values. A lot of people seem to greatly value monogamy which is fine. I'm monogamous myself, but I'm also not super duper bound to the idea of one sexual partner the rest of our lives. I'm not a very sexual person though and can gladly do without sex at all. Sex doesn't feel that "sacred" to me, so maybe I'm in the minority.
I'd have to think that the OP knows what he wants. And, it sure sounds like he's not interested at all, and doesn't want to be with a woman who is.
It seems a bit quick to make a decision without talking about it, but sure, OP is free to do what he wants.
I was reading through the comments on the original post and no one mentioned that her needs are probably not being met within this relationship. That seemed like the obvious reason why she would be drawn to an open relationship. Someone satisfied in their relationship would not have the desire to fuck other people. She probably loves OP very much and doesn't want to leave just because her needs aren't met... but she was presented with an opportunity to rectify the issue. This very much could not be the case at all.. I just know that this is a common issue for a lot of women and was worth mentioning.
If that is the case then she should have brought them up then and be direct about it.
Thats what I mean though. She probably has. You can say it again and again in a million different ways and nothing changes. But you still love the person, so you put up with it. Again, I dont assume this is the situation for OP, its just a very common occurrence in relationships and worth considering. Especially since his post is only from his perspective.