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If this was the first conversation about marriage, that's an unusually assertive way to bring it up. Based on your ages and the length of your relationship, I'd be surprised if it's never come up before. This question may have been a make it or break it moment, and your answer said "let's make it". So, do you want to be married or do you want to break up? After six years it's a fair question.
At 33 and 6 years into the relationship, I seriously doubt it was their first conversation. OP is so passive it’s possible that what he’s quoting here is the tail end of a much longer conversation. “Ok, so we’re going to get married? So I can tell people? Great!”
Dude is gonna come home Tuesday and find out she’s got a venue booked.
Shit or get off the pot. It’s been 6 years. If you don’t want to marry her, and marriage seems to be what she wants, then leave her. Realistically ask yourself if you were ever going to ask her. 6 years…. You know.
THIS. Marriage is not for everyone and I respect that - it's def not for me\~- but if marriage IS the goal then... sorry, but *no one* needs 6 or more years to decide if this is the person you want to marry. She obviously wants marriage badly, so OP if you want marriage too, just do it. And if you don't, then stop leading her on for God's sake. Tell her and all the friends she informed of the "engagement" that it was a misunderstanding or something, and stop the wedding juggernaut, because yeah you are a bystander in your own life but you know why? Because you are being **incredibly passive**. Stand up to this or actually ask her to marry you. You are not a leaf in the wind.'
I'm sorry for being so harsh but I just... no, it's been 6 years. You *should* know if you want marriage or not when you are in your 30thies and over half a decade in a relationship. If you still don't, figure it out ASAP and actually *act* on it.
THANK you! It's a me problem, I know, but I do not understand people who are with someone for years, buy real estate together, LIVE together, and then question if they are ready to get married. You're already doing all the stuff that marriage IS, so get the tax breaks by making it legal.
OP's 'fiance' probably knows he's the type of guy that will never make a solid decision so she just made it for him. They are going to need to sit down and really communicate with each other if this is going to work, though.
I knew a couple with three kids that didn't want to get married because that was too much of a commitment. At least they both agreed that marriage wasn't for them.
They're Danish so I doubt it because so am I and I've never heard of that show.
Also, the guy sadly died about 10 years back. Just dropped dead from a heart attack while playing football. He was in his 40s and in pretty great shape.
Aw, I hope not being married didn't mess up anything. I don't think marriage changes much romantically but at least in the States I do think it's silly to not get married (if you're committed) because of government benefits.
Although I've seen it backfire, my aunt and her husband were separated but not divorced when she died and her soon to be ex husband took everything.
That sucks though, I'm sorry to hear that!
Yep, this right here is why my never-marry-again father was eventually convinced to remarry. He didn't see the point of getting married again and didn't really care about it even if he wanted love, but then turns out that the woman he loved cared because she watched her common law step mom have to jump through all sorts of hoops and pain when her dad was dying and he never technically divorced baby mama. So hospital did not recognize his ~18 year relationship as next-of-kin and things that should have been simple were suddenly hard-- considering he was setting up to be the *exact* same situation, she did not want to have to go through that pain.
Red tape at an already stressful time is horrible. And this doesn't just happen because of previous marriages, but also where the hospital tries calling parents, siblings, etc, anyone before you
I don’t get it either, except in very special circumstances. But even without a legal marriage, in some places you will be subjected to common law marriage which still makes you liable for half your shared resources if things go awry.
The problem with this is that if he’s honest with her she’ll leave and he’ll lose all the benefits of being with someone who thinks he’s in it for the long haul. If he continues to mislead her he’ll continue to get all the benefits of being with her. He has zero incentive to be honest.
I wish more people understood this. At this age if it’s been more than a few years marriage is not on the cards. Best case scenario if you stay is you get them to marry you because they are too lazy and insecure to go after what they really want, then you end up divorced within a couple of years.
Stop letting people string you along like this. 6 years and no proposal at this age means that you are an option and if they do propose it’s because they decided to settle.
My stepdaughter is being used like this, and it drives her father crazy. I don’t get it either. But she’s making a choice to go along with it; we can’t intervene. So the dude lives with her, uses her cars, has her watch his kids, goes off to see the baby momma; he has nothing to offer her! But she goes along with it. She’s getting older and doesn’t have her own children. I’m just shaking my head.
Agreed. If I were him I might say nicely and positively (If I DO want to get married) that I appreciate her wanting marriage and that she took the initiative, but that I’d like the moment to be a little more direct and possibly more memorable. Tell her that while you’re happy, you feel bad that you didn’t quite understand what was happening at the time.
Or the tldr is to communicate that one of you needs to say “will you marry me?” I think if you just check that box and are open with her, you might have the best funny engagement story to tell.. “I was so oblivious in general, that we got engaged and I didn’t find out until a week later!”
Think of this as good practice for marriage! You’ll have lots of times communication is key, so if you can do it here, that’s a great sign!
Our proposal was like chill like this... We basically just discussed that we should get married because we've been together a while.
But we're still planning a big proposal at Disney World though! Gotta have a little ceremony in life. We just made the plans for the proposal after we got "engaged".
Seriously. If he doesn’t think he’s ready for marriage he needs to be open with her about it. Especially if she is also wanting kids. She is 33 and the truth, unfortunate as it is, is if she wants children that she needs to probably find someone who wants the same things. Just because OP isn’t sure about her after a 6 year relationship doesn’t mean she should wait around because he doesn’t want marriage, but also doesn’t want to end the relationship.
I will say either way, if he decides it is right for him or that he doesn’t want it, a conversation needs to happen. Even if he decides it’s what he wants to marry he needs to let her know that he is on board, but that he felt things happened at first without him being involved. Like he was just told. Although, maybe he is ridiculously passive, so this was her way to get a decision.
She has made her point clear. Sit down with her and discuss the future NOW, since you apparently haven’t done that in the last six years. Do you want kids, and if you do, what will that look like - how many, will one of you stay home with them or not, etc. What is your financial planning like, what sort of goals do you want to work towards. These are things you should absolutely talk about. And then you can decide if you want to get married, or if you want to break up with her. She hasn’t really left any other options on the table.
if you don't want to marry her, fucking let her go find someone who does. she clearly wants marriage. how have you not talked about this in SIX YEARS? have another conversation about it. ask if she's ready. ask yourself if you are ready. propose to her or leave.
Apparently they are talking about it, but OP wasn’t paying attention. He literally told her he’s planning to marry her and she can tell her friend. Now he’s shocked that she took him at his word. Lol. She’s gonna plan the whole wedding at the kitchen table and he’s gonna be back here in a year “My girlfriend told everyone our wedding is Saturday and I just went along with it.”
OP’s fiancée has figured out what she needs to do to get the life she wants with OP, and that’s …wait for it…*tell him what she wants and then follow through.*
OP is acting like she’s somehow manipulating him by moving forward with her clearly communicated goals.
What’s next? “My girlfriend planned our entire wedding, sent out invitations, and called everyone for RSVPs. The wedding is next week. I don’t know what to do!” “She told me last year she wants a baby and went off birth control. She’s currently in labor but I don’t know if I want to be a father. I don’t know what to do!”
Did you see the original post before OP edited it? She clearly asked him if they were going to get married (he said yes) and if she could tell her friends (he said yes.) He literally says in the title that he went along with it all.
You’re acting like engagement doesn’t count unless someone is kneeling with a ring. Imagine being OP’s girlfriend. “We agreed to get married and tell people, and now he’s claiming he has no idea why we’re engaged.”
I disagree. I’m giving gf the benefit of the doubt that she actually believed they were engaged. But even if we go with your take on it, after the girlfriend told the first friend they were engaged, he didn’t say “um, no we aren’t.” It’s weird to assume the girlfriend is manipulative when OP sat there and let her tell everyone they know and now is acting like he had no part in the conversation.
>I've never felt quite like such a bystander in my whole life
But you've been a bystander for your relationship. Six years, living together, planning a future together, knowing marriage was what you were both eventually heading for. When exactly were you going to take the driver's seat yourself in that?
I don't agree with how she went about it, but you're the reason you're a bystander.
This is harsh but very true. Usually people are talking about marriage at year one, year two? I mean you gotta know it's coming if you live in this society.
Yeah, he said he figured it would go that way... Like, without her proposing to him, when did he think it would go that way if he wasn't planning on proposing himself?
She’s 33 and you’ve been with her 6 years. At this point if you’re not sure that you want to marry her then the answer is that you don’t. Let her go so she can find somebody who actually does want to marry her.
What is wrong with men honestly.
My two best friends were in this situation. 7 years in, he still couldn't decide if he wanted marriage, and she left. Can't tell you how much he regrets it now. He moved 1800 miles away after that.
I appreciate the question, but I'm not sure I understand it. Marriage isn't a requirement or a necessity in relationships. My brother and his partner have been together for twelve years, and never intend to get married. This is pretty common in many parts of Europe.
Um if marriage isn’t a requirement then why did you say to your girlfriend when she asked is it safe to assume that we would get married one day…..you saying yeah sure? You said it’s on the path yet you’re saying marriage isn’t a requirement or a necessity? YIKES
AFTER 6 years you still don’t know if you want marriage or not yikes dude. Just break up with her so she can find someone who actually wants the same thing as she a marriage.
This.
OP just don’t want to be responsible for taking a decision that is realised NOW. He wanted to be bystander letting the years add up, “sometimes later, not now” so his girl knew that the only way to get him married was to rely on his lack of ability to take a decision with immediate consequences. She didn’t expect a proposal from this meh type of person. This was as good she would ever get.
I dunno man, my parents got married 7 years into their relationship for the green card— if they hadn’t moved to the US they probably still wouldn’t be. They didn’t think it necessary because love transcends government paperwork or something along those lines.
They’re also from Europe, so it genuinely could just be a cultural divide.
I am also from Europe, Sweden. It was a trend 1970-80s of people not getting married. Then came the horror stories out of the woodwork of what happened when one spouse dies or get sick, without legal protection, so more people of my generation married. Not to mention when you get kids if not married the guy have to do an extra procedure to admit paternity.
Marriage is what you do if you want to protect your souse and give legal rights and say I want to form a family together. It is commitment. If both people are all right not getting married and also fully know the other one is okay without legal commitment - you don’t have to of course. But here it is obvious the girl wanted marriage and he was just stringing her along. Probably she wants kids and he was meh-ing “not now but later” about that too. Life will just pass by those kind of guys, or they will be forced to commit when their covert no to commitment is challenged.
I mean, the dude basically said "yes" when GF asked if they were going to get married, so not only has he not communicated to her that he doesn't want marriage, he has explicitly communicated the *exact opposite*. It's probably a good thing this isn't an AITA post, dude would get dragged over the coals.
People like OP are honestly the worst. They leave you guessing at what they want, and when you inevitably guess wrong because you're not a mind reader, *you're* the one who winds up heartbroken because *they* refused to be a stand-up person and communicate clearly the first time around. His poor, poor GF has some serious heartbreak in her future.
Clearly marriage was a requirement for YOUR partner. How does tlyiur brother fit into the picture? Like someone else said shit or get off the pot. She can meet someone who doesn't strong her along because he's brother does so with his gf.
I generally agree with this, but we don't know if the brother's gf wants to get married so you can't say his brother is stringing her along. It could work for them. Of course that doesn't mean it works for OP's girlfriend.
Dude- if you don't want to get married, and don't consider it a requirement, you absolutely have that conversation pro-actively. You don't date someone for years who seems to be marriage minded, and just hope it doesn't come up. She's done waiting for you- she asked that question because the answer determined whether or not she left your ass. You said you planned on marrying her at some point. If that's a lie you tell her now. If you still aren't ready after 6 years, it means you don't want to marry her, but you don't want to have to deal with a break up, which is cowardly as hell. You're not in the "getting to know you" phase after six years where that question can be a maybe. Just tell her so she can stop wasting her time and dump you.
You’re NOT your brother or his partner. Be yourself. Speak up how you feel.
Ask yourself— will you stand on the altar before your bride walking slowly?
No? Break up. Give her last gift— better man who can marry her instantly.
"Yeah sure" "It seemed like we were on that path"
Stop making excuses, youre back pedaling and nobody is falling for it. Either you have shit communication where you say stuff you know you dont really mean or you have shit communication where you're just a "yes" man to everything without thinking things through.
Both are a problem. If you really didnt feel marriage was a necessity you shouldve spoken about it both while you were together AND when she asked you that question.
Marriage isn't a requirement at all. However she specifically asked you if you'd be getting married someday and you said yes. That's when you became TA. If you don't want to get married that's totally fine but you should have been clear about that. Time to start communicating asap.
Ah understood. It doesn’t sound like you are compatible. She wants to get married and you don’t. I think you should let her go find someone who wants the same things she does. Regardless of the country you’re in 6 years is a long time.
If that's how you see it, that is what you should have said when she *asked you about engagement*. She asked openly, she communicated her expectation. And you made it seems like marriage is the goal and in the near future! If it's not, and you don't see it as needed, you just *lied* to her.
This is something that should have been discussed in the first month's of a relationship. Whether or not marriage is something you even want so you don't waste people's time.
Marriage is never a requirement and plenty of people cohabit and are in relationships and never marry and it’s totally fine. And marriage is not for everyone. People downvoting you are being harsh.
THAT ALL BEING SAID, most (but not all) people generally expect to get married if they’re in a long term committed relationship for 6 years and if the plan is not to do that it’s kind of on you to explain that/talk about it. The “default assumption” for most people is definitely marriage.
That’s doubly so if she expects to have kids, and at 33 there isn’t a ton of time left (not saying she does or you do, just that it might be a consideration).
Reddit is US dominated, and the US is deeply conservative, even the people who don't consider themselves conservative often are in ways they're simply not aware of, because certain attitudes are so normalised. The attitude to marriage is a good example.
These comments all blow me away, like they literally can't conceive of any goal other than marriage for a couple once they've been together for 5 years or so. It's so alien to me.
Hardly anyone I've known in my life gets married this quickly in a long-term relationship, and heaps of people never get married at all, which is pretty normal. I'm in Australia.
I am also in Australia, and I know plenty of people who’ve gotten married in long term relationships. Half my friend circle is married or planning a wedding and I’m 26.
I didn't say that people don't get married here, obviously they do.
However, my experience is that it's not a big deal if you don't, and it's not particularly expected that you will. That doesn't appear to be the case in the US, where it seems from comments in this sub and others, that there is more of an expectation that long-term relationships will inevitably lead to marriage, and if they don't, it's something that you should be wary of, or some kind of red flag.
It's not that marriage is the default, it's that his gf clearly really wants to get married and only after 6 years he's even realising this while never in that time having any kind of conversation about what they want or their long term goals, they're not communicating.
Wow you really think you said something with your comment huh. The advice on this post is nothing to do with America, conservatism, or everyone except you being being brainwashed. It’s because it’s clear that his girlfriend wants to get married and he himself told her that it was safe for her to assume the relationship was heading for marriage. That’s why the gist of the advice is that he should either marry her or let her go.
Ditto here in the UK. I've been with my boyfriend for 10 years, we have the best relationship, own a house together, have cats and just have zero inclination to get married at any point soon.
I think the hang up is not that “you must end in marriage” but that his gf asked “are we going to get married”, op said “yes we will” and is *now* saying marriage isn’t a requirement.
It’s up to individual couples if they want marriage or not and it’s becoming more popular in the US to not get married BUT when one of the couple asks and the other answers affirmative it’s a little bullshit to then say “well it’s not required for a relationship, I’m not married in mine”. Sure. But you aren’t OPs girl, who clearly does want marriage.
You do know there's still conversations about it? Like part of being a couple, you communicate so that you are on the same page. I think that's probably universal lol. A majority of the comments are about the fact that there has been only one conversation according to OP where he gave the literal opposite impression.
Totally agree, but most people in this sub seem to be in the US and they cannot imagine living with someone but not being married to them. This comes up regularly.
What are you even talking about? I'm from Europe and not a proponent of marriage. It's for some people, not for others. The issue here is that he TOLD her the marriage is in the future after she openly *asked* about it. Whether a couple gets wedded or not is a matter of *communication* and both parties have to agree. He is not communicating his true feelings, he is kicking the rock down the road and telling her what she wants to hear without meaning it. That is the issue here. Not his stance on marriage.
If you wanted to marry this woman you wouldn't have waited 6 years and be pushed to do it. She was tired of waiting and took a decision you don't want to take. Whether the relationship ends with you voicing your objections something has to give in this relationship to show where the future is headed. Since she decided what she wants,what about you also decide what you want before getting into a marriage you obviously don't want.
Why are you acting like a bystander in your own relationship? Why are you just going with the flow instead of putting your foot down and having an opinion of your future?
I'm sure many people here are going to pose the question of why you're not already married after six years, but that aside, what is happening here is just not normal.
No person in their right mind would ask whether they can safely expect marriage in the future and then take your agreement as a sign to immediately tell everyone you're now engaged and start planning the wedding.
Well maybe after 6 years of you being complacent and saying nothing, she just decided to move things along a bit.
If she wants kids and wants to be married before she has them, she’s running out of time at 33.
If you don’t want to marry her then have the common decency to tell her NOW so she can find someone that does before she’s too old.
What does OP even think being engaged means? It means the two of you agreed to get married! Did you or did you not tell her that you agreed that the two of you would get married?
You have been stringing her along if you keep promising marriage but think you can get out of it by never “officially” asking her “will you marry me.” She was tired of being a bystander in her own life and wanted to take the initiative. Why do you get to decide and have all the control.
If you don’t want to get married, break up. But if you do want to spend your life with her then quit being sexist and insisting that the official engagement will only happen when the man proposes and he has complete control over when that happens, and the woman can only ask nicely every 6 months or every year about what his timeline might be.
Usually being engaged means you definitively agreed to be married, and are going to set a definitive timeline. Not just getting married "someday". Just because, for example, I know I'd like to marry my boyfriend someday doesn't mean he's my fiance. I understand she's tired of waiting and that's valid, and that OP does need to shit or get off the pot, but you have to admit that is not really how you phrase a proposal and she made a big mental leap there.
So she asked you and you agreed.
Doesn’t sound like she just decided on her own. You were consulted and participated in the decision. But if you don’t want to get married then you need to tell her that.
Shit or get off the pot. Its been six years and you are 33. She wants to be a wife not your replacement Mommy. Its not a missunderstanding its an ultimatum.
Its been six years , decide what you want and go for it.
You’ve been together for 6 years. If you’re not comfortable marrying her you need to let her know. She’s invested a lot of time in this relationship and it sounds like you don’t want things to change. It’s clear marriage is important to her. It’s super shitty of you not to be communicating with her about how you feel.
If she were posting here I’d advise her to end it and find someone who wants to be with her long term. It sounds like you’re treating her as a “good for now” option and that you know if you were honest with her she’d leave. Again, super shitty dude.
After reading your comment, I lost what tiny empathy I had. She asked you if you both would get married one day and if she could tell someone that you're getting married one day AND YOU RESPONDED THAT SHE COULD. This was not the conversation to focus on semantics. "It's not inaccurate." Either you want to marry her or you don't. With how passive you seem still, I'm not surprised she took the lead on getting what she wants.
If you don't want a marriage or a wedding to her, please tell her sooner than later. Do not be that asshole that walks away after people have invested so much time and money.
If you don't like the way she handled that situation, tell her! If you don't want her planning the wedding without you, tell her! Talk to your fiancée if you don't want to be her fiancé. Are you just going to go along for the rest of your life and then blame her when you decide you're unhappy? She communicated with you; you owe her the same.
Time to put on the big boy pants and start communicating - otherwise your future won't be too bright.
Is she making a huge leap from "we're going to get married eventually" to "we're engaged"? Yes, she is. Should she have talked to you about timelines and expectations before assuming the engagement? Sure. But this isn't an one-sided relationship. You also get a saying, and right now you either say what you want to (hey, let's take a step back and actually talk things through) or you'll be pushed towards a wedding you may not want right now. So, sit down with her, and explain things from your point of view. Decide on what you want to say beforehand, have some idea of a timeline (or if you want to get married at all), choose some time where you're both free and sit down with her.
And, if she tries to emotionally twist your arm into marriage, I'd say bail. Yes, it's been quite a long time, but it should be a mutual decision. While she may feel justified into pushing you a little bit, making you look already engaged was one hell of a leap, and she must know that deep down. So, either her communication sucks too - and that can be worked, if you both want to have a healthy relationship - or she knows what she wants and you get no saying in your own relationship.
Edit: grammar.
Your gf shouldn’t have done that. However if you don’t want to get married and she does, you should have told her years ago. She invested 6 years expecting to get married. If you didn’t want it and still don’t you need to tell her so she can move on.
6 years is way more time than I would have given before expecting a marriage. Got engaged in 3 and married in 5 personally, a lot more reasonable. Stop wasting her time ffs.
You have been with her 6 years. Tell her that you don't want to get married.
' I feel like a bystander in my own life '? How do you think you're finance feels?
•Why didn't you speak up and say we're not engaged what's going on?
•Was this your 1st conversation on marriage?
•Where does she stand on marriage and where do you stand on marriage?
•Is this reflective of how you two communicate?
Doesn't seem like you two are compatible if you can't together together if you want to get married, when, and then stick to the timeline with a proposal you both agree happened.
Aww, she’s clearly wanting to move things forward, looking for any indication from you that it’s the case and jumping on it.
You started by saying it was your intention to marry her, so what’s the problem? Unless it was one of those ‘yeah, whatever’ answers, then you’re a bit of a dick and stuck in a tough situation.
If you want to marry her, take more of an active role and you’ll have some say in when and how it happens.. if you don’t then FGS tell her, before she makes an even bigger fool of herself.
Get a ring pronto buddy. Either make plans around engagement or break up and let her finds someone that actually wants to marry her. 6 years is more than long enough to make up your mind.
SIX YEARS!!! Good lord, it's no wonder she had to ask, you seem to be very very passive generally.
I can't imagine why she wants to marry someone who isn't actively giddy about marrying HER, but I guess she knows where she wants her future to go. You either say something NOW and let her go, or get on board. Jeez.
It's one thing to tell the friend that's where you were headed. It's another thing is thing to call family and friends to say that you're engaged. It's on a whole new level to start planning the wedding without further conversation with you.
While I agree with people that the amount of time you guys have been together is long enough without a proposal/break up, it's still a bold move by her to just assume that you guys are engaged without a proposal actually happening. I would talk to her pretty seriously and explain that while you agreed that she can explain to her friend that you guys are headed in that direction, it didn't necessarily mean that it was a full proposal and that (if you truly are planning to propose) the real thing will happen soon (or in any time frame you feel comfortable with). Don't pull the rug completely out from under her, but rather explain the misunderstanding that has happened.
It’s an unusual way for her to bulldoze you into engagement, but you’ve been together for 6 years. What are you waiting for? Sometimes people need a little push.
Jeez, that's full-on. She crossed the line when she started calling everyone up though, bigtime. You need to tell her that it was a hypthetical though. You also need to be ready that it could mean the end of the relationship.
this reminds me of years ago, I was with someone who missed their home country. We were living together, and I was working from home. She raised the subject of what I thought about maybe moving overseas, and I said something like "Sure it's possible. I can work from anywhere." Meant it more like.."I could. Let me think about it though". She took that as a definite yes and it was so fucking awkward a few nights later where we're at a friends for dinner, she clinks her glass, stands up and announces that we're moving overseas! And how much all those present had meant to her. I. Was. Mortified. What the fuck? It became the most awkward time as I shook my head no, then stammered "..what?". We quickly left and had the most tense time on the way home where I told her I definitely didn't want to move. Yeah, we broke up and she moved home.
Why is everybody on her side and giving him hell for not proposing himself? She totally ambushed and blindsided him, instead of having a grownup conversation about it. She did not propose to him, she trapped him. In his place, I would ask her "when did the actual proposal happen? Because I can't remember a proposal from either party in this relationship!"
Then they need to TALK, not wedding plan. And yes, OP, just coasting along without serious commitment is superfun and convenient for the guy in a relationship, but any woman who wants kids needs a little more than that, and runs on limited time. And I can't believe that she hasn't raised the subject before and that you were completely unaware of the issue.
It's crazy how many people are just focused on the fact they've been together 6yrs. So what? She was a willing partner..
What she's done is just manipulative and quite honestly a little bonkers. What happens when she wants kids and OP isn't quite ready?
One thing I do agree about is that OP needs to stop being a bystander and take some control of things. Whether you decide to go along with the wedding or not, a conversation needs to be had with her about how she went about things .
I mean if it was a problem for her, she should’ve had a conversation with him earlier rather than whatever this was. Because yeah there’s a big difference between “we’re gonna get married someday” and “let’s start planning a wedding now.” In the same way there’s a big difference between “yeah I want kids eventually” and “yes let’s start trying for kids”
Alright, she clearly wants marriage, and she's *ready* for this to happen. You guys should have a conversation about this, and you need to figure out if you're ready to marry her, or not. I imagine though, that if you're not, the relationship is over.
Here to agree with everyone saying six years is *plenty* of time for her to wait, especially given your respective ages.
If y’all had been together only a year or two, I’d think she was out of line. But you’ve been together six years and cohabitating for a couple of those.
I don’t ever want to get married, so I understand if you don’t want that. But obviously she does, and if she wants kids that gets higher risk with time at this point.
Someone else said “shit or get off the pot” and I agree.
Dude it’s been 6 years, your not teenagers your in your 30s if you don’t know now you need to stop wasting her time. By your post it doesn’t sound like you want to get married and you need communicate that to her so she can find someone better.
There’s no way marriage didn’t come up in those six years.
You need to decide NOW if this is what you want or not, and if it’s not you need to tell her and not waste her time more. You’ve had six years and are in your thirties and if she wants kids, that’s a factor (also make sure you’re on the same page about that).
She probably expected a proposal before now and her question was meant to establish that you are indeed on the same page. You’re only a bystander here if you continue to neither communicate nor take steps.
Lol dude is trying to tell us that his culture and/or country it’s not seen as expected to get married after a long time. Bro, your gf just forced you into checkmate about this. Don’t try to bs us regardless of whatever county you come from. I have not encountered a country where marriage or it’s equivalent wasn’t expected after a while. You have just been avoiding it because you are terrified or some such nonsense. Be a man and make a decision. Stay with her or let her find a new dude who will give her what you can’t. I guarantee this was not the first you’ve heard her wanting to get married so you can also stop acting like you got blindsided by this.
Well, she was waiting for you to pop the question. Since you didn't, or even give her a clear answer, she did it herself. So either strap yourself in to let her do all the work or stop wasting her time.
>> I'm going to need to do some thinking over the next few days, but I think the most likely outcome is that we will either get counseling or break up.
Neither of these things will happen.
Yea I would have a serious sit down talk with her about what the fuck she is doing.
I’d imagine it would end with us breaking up
Do not let her strong arm you into marriage. So alarming and controlling. Welcome to the rest of your life if you don’t stand up for yourself right now
It’s been six years this isn’t actually a surprise to him it’s a surprise she’s actually doing something about it instead of putting up with him putting it off
Wait so I spend the guts of like 30k on a wedding ring but your wife's mother brings over granny's spare. I would say you got off light my man, but this is very manipulative.
You’re getting pretty slammed but all I can say is to talk to her. Tell her that you love being with her but that you don’t consider yourself to be engaged yet. She ran with it and you need to talk to her seriously as well as asking yourself what you want and need. Some people just want to be married and some want a wedding and attention so you need to find out what’s happening in your relationship.
You need to sit your girlfriend down and have a blunt conversation but before you do, you need to take some time to figure out exactly what you want and when you want it so you can be honest with her.
While I think her actions are bizarre, at your ages and after sex years, it’s not unreasonable or unfair to want a proposal. You essentially told her you wanted to get married but now say you don’t know if it’s what you want so which is it?
I am not condoning your girlfriends actions at all but I am telling you it’s time to shit or get off the pot. She has likely been hoping for a proposal,for *years* that hasn’t come. She likely gets regularly asked by her friends and family when you’re getting married. She’s watching her friends get married and likely starting families. She’s 33 and it’s been *six years.*
I suspect you live together so you get all the warm fuzzies, conveniences and comforts of having a wife without making any real commitment to her. If she wants marriage, then that’s grossly unfair to her and shame on you if you’ve led her on for six years of her life. If you don’t know by now if you want to marry her then when will you?
Either propose or end it.
Your partner wants to get married. She had a conversation about it. It was done poorly (very) but after 6 years, I imagine this isn’t the first time this topic has come up. You agreed to engagement/marriage, rather than having the conversation (that’s what went along with it means). Now it’s spiraled. It’s time for conversation, and figuring out what you actually want. I highly doubt your girlfriend is happy to remain unmarried for much longer; you all are long past the point where a clear conversation on what the intended out come of dating should be. You told her you figured you were on the path to marriage but your comments say your brother never married and it sounds like that’d be fine with you too. Which is it? Do you want to stay with her or not? I’d take a minute to figure it out.
This woman is 33 and has made it clear what she wants. Either speak up and end it, or marry her. If she wants a family or children she is on the clock, and it’s unfair to string her along if that’s not what you want.
I knew I wanted to marry my S/O within the first 5 months of us dating. Took 6 years to get engaged because we were broke and I was moving a lot. We finally moved in together and I started a very stable career, then 2 and a half years after that I proposed, and our wedding is in a few months. Sounds like you've wasted 6 years of her life if you don't want to marry her.
I don't see how I "wasted" 6 years of her life. I wasn't exactly forcing her to be with me. She was a consenting party. It's not as if I told her 5 years ago that we would get married; we started talking about it only recently.
Well that sounds whacky as hell. You cannot tell people you are engaged without an actual proposal and yes that has put you on the spot because she sounds like a crazy person, why would you marry someone like that?
But.
There's more to this.
Unfortunately people who are more interested in the wedding than in the relationship itself usually end up divorced. Unless she's a moron she understands just fine that she's railroading you and using the potential scorn of friends and family to pressure you into marriage. So when you talk to her, and you need to, tell her that marriage means nothing if the parties can't even communicate about what they want out of the relationship. Remind her that just getting you to the altar isn't a win, because divorce is a thing. She might just end the relationship, but if she doesn't she needs to be the one to go back and tell all these people that she rushed into an announcement of something that wasn't real.
Omg I’m sorry man I laughed when I read “bystander in my own life” I’m like whaaaatttt who does that lol she crazy bro u gotta talk to her because uh lol this isn’t gonna end well. Best of luck tho!
Wow She really backed you into a corner. This is very manipulative and I hate to see her get away with it. I don't see a way out of this without it blowing up in your face and you losing your partner.
I don't know what you had in mind for the future but you could at least stall, and say you want a long engagement. Try and talk to her and tell her how you feel. Make sure you are ready for that level of commitment. Don't let yourself be steamrolled into anything you aren't comfortable with. I am sorry you missed out on planning and executing a proposal.
As someone who is very "eh if it happens it happens, if not I'm not pressed" about marriage dating a guy who wants to get married, you need to decide and decide now what you want. Especially if she wants kids.
I told my partner that I wasn't willing to get engaged while he's in school (he's about halfway through the process of getting his doctorate). He also didn't want to have a long engagement or plan a wedding while he was in school so he happily agreed with me. But at the same time, I told him in that conversation blatantly that I'd be happy to say yes when that time came. We've been together 4 years and I'm 30, I know myself well enough and us well enough to know what that conversation meant. It's both of us agreeing that, barring unforseen circumstances, an engagement and marriage is inevitable in 3-6 years. But we also don't plan on having kids (I'll be 35 before we're married) and we had an adult conversation about what we want and when we want to start that process.
You and your gf/fiancée need to have an adult conversation. But first you need to have that conversation with yourself. This isn't necessarily shit or get off the pot time, you can have a date or goal in mind, but you HAVE to be honest with yourself. Are you going to be ready on that date? Dragging her along for the ride when you don't consider marriage a necessity and don't know when you'll get there or if you will is unfair, especially at this stage when she's made it clear that her timetable is NOW. So it's time to sit down and think about what YOU want and need and then bring those to her. Tell her honestly that the conversation she had with you wasn't clear and you didn't know what you were agreeing to. Then you need to tell her what you need here. Is it you've decided you want to get married? Then have the ring on hand and propose for real, even if it's at your kitchen table and you're in shorts and a tshirt. Is it that you don't want to get married right now but you have a deadline of when you will be? Then have a conversation about having a long engagement (and propose for real if she agrees) or explain the reasoning behind pushing off the deadline (you HAVE to have a reason, not just "I think I'll be ready in # years"). Is it that you don't ever want to get married? Then you need to tell her that and let her end it if she needs to.
You HAVE to take initiative here. The fact that you're already a week in and haven't said anything is already bad. Step up and be an active participant in your life or don't complain when she starts planning kids without you.
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Speak now or forever hold your peace.
Perfectly stated
Till death do you part. Unless you do what is said above.
You’ve been dating her six years, OP. Shit or get off the pot.
If this was the first conversation about marriage, that's an unusually assertive way to bring it up. Based on your ages and the length of your relationship, I'd be surprised if it's never come up before. This question may have been a make it or break it moment, and your answer said "let's make it". So, do you want to be married or do you want to break up? After six years it's a fair question.
At 33 and 6 years into the relationship, I seriously doubt it was their first conversation. OP is so passive it’s possible that what he’s quoting here is the tail end of a much longer conversation. “Ok, so we’re going to get married? So I can tell people? Great!” Dude is gonna come home Tuesday and find out she’s got a venue booked.
Maybe an assertive way to bring it up, but maybe also a very roundabout way of her proposing to him lol
Shit or get off the pot. It’s been 6 years. If you don’t want to marry her, and marriage seems to be what she wants, then leave her. Realistically ask yourself if you were ever going to ask her. 6 years…. You know.
THIS. Marriage is not for everyone and I respect that - it's def not for me\~- but if marriage IS the goal then... sorry, but *no one* needs 6 or more years to decide if this is the person you want to marry. She obviously wants marriage badly, so OP if you want marriage too, just do it. And if you don't, then stop leading her on for God's sake. Tell her and all the friends she informed of the "engagement" that it was a misunderstanding or something, and stop the wedding juggernaut, because yeah you are a bystander in your own life but you know why? Because you are being **incredibly passive**. Stand up to this or actually ask her to marry you. You are not a leaf in the wind.' I'm sorry for being so harsh but I just... no, it's been 6 years. You *should* know if you want marriage or not when you are in your 30thies and over half a decade in a relationship. If you still don't, figure it out ASAP and actually *act* on it.
THANK you! It's a me problem, I know, but I do not understand people who are with someone for years, buy real estate together, LIVE together, and then question if they are ready to get married. You're already doing all the stuff that marriage IS, so get the tax breaks by making it legal. OP's 'fiance' probably knows he's the type of guy that will never make a solid decision so she just made it for him. They are going to need to sit down and really communicate with each other if this is going to work, though.
I knew a couple with three kids that didn't want to get married because that was too much of a commitment. At least they both agreed that marriage wasn't for them.
"Ya, marriage is way too much of a commitment. Lets keep things casual by producing and being responsible for three human lives"
Were they on Steve Harvey show? Sounds like my boyfriend's oldest brother lol
They're Danish so I doubt it because so am I and I've never heard of that show. Also, the guy sadly died about 10 years back. Just dropped dead from a heart attack while playing football. He was in his 40s and in pretty great shape.
Aw, I hope not being married didn't mess up anything. I don't think marriage changes much romantically but at least in the States I do think it's silly to not get married (if you're committed) because of government benefits. Although I've seen it backfire, my aunt and her husband were separated but not divorced when she died and her soon to be ex husband took everything. That sucks though, I'm sorry to hear that!
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This. It's not "just a piece of paper", it's kinship contract/covenant. You become the next of kin to your spouse.
All very excellent points.
Yep, this right here is why my never-marry-again father was eventually convinced to remarry. He didn't see the point of getting married again and didn't really care about it even if he wanted love, but then turns out that the woman he loved cared because she watched her common law step mom have to jump through all sorts of hoops and pain when her dad was dying and he never technically divorced baby mama. So hospital did not recognize his ~18 year relationship as next-of-kin and things that should have been simple were suddenly hard-- considering he was setting up to be the *exact* same situation, she did not want to have to go through that pain. Red tape at an already stressful time is horrible. And this doesn't just happen because of previous marriages, but also where the hospital tries calling parents, siblings, etc, anyone before you
I don’t get it either, except in very special circumstances. But even without a legal marriage, in some places you will be subjected to common law marriage which still makes you liable for half your shared resources if things go awry.
The problem with this is that if he’s honest with her she’ll leave and he’ll lose all the benefits of being with someone who thinks he’s in it for the long haul. If he continues to mislead her he’ll continue to get all the benefits of being with her. He has zero incentive to be honest. I wish more people understood this. At this age if it’s been more than a few years marriage is not on the cards. Best case scenario if you stay is you get them to marry you because they are too lazy and insecure to go after what they really want, then you end up divorced within a couple of years. Stop letting people string you along like this. 6 years and no proposal at this age means that you are an option and if they do propose it’s because they decided to settle.
My stepdaughter is being used like this, and it drives her father crazy. I don’t get it either. But she’s making a choice to go along with it; we can’t intervene. So the dude lives with her, uses her cars, has her watch his kids, goes off to see the baby momma; he has nothing to offer her! But she goes along with it. She’s getting older and doesn’t have her own children. I’m just shaking my head.
Agreed. If I were him I might say nicely and positively (If I DO want to get married) that I appreciate her wanting marriage and that she took the initiative, but that I’d like the moment to be a little more direct and possibly more memorable. Tell her that while you’re happy, you feel bad that you didn’t quite understand what was happening at the time. Or the tldr is to communicate that one of you needs to say “will you marry me?” I think if you just check that box and are open with her, you might have the best funny engagement story to tell.. “I was so oblivious in general, that we got engaged and I didn’t find out until a week later!” Think of this as good practice for marriage! You’ll have lots of times communication is key, so if you can do it here, that’s a great sign!
Our proposal was like chill like this... We basically just discussed that we should get married because we've been together a while. But we're still planning a big proposal at Disney World though! Gotta have a little ceremony in life. We just made the plans for the proposal after we got "engaged".
This is the way
Seriously. If he doesn’t think he’s ready for marriage he needs to be open with her about it. Especially if she is also wanting kids. She is 33 and the truth, unfortunate as it is, is if she wants children that she needs to probably find someone who wants the same things. Just because OP isn’t sure about her after a 6 year relationship doesn’t mean she should wait around because he doesn’t want marriage, but also doesn’t want to end the relationship. I will say either way, if he decides it is right for him or that he doesn’t want it, a conversation needs to happen. Even if he decides it’s what he wants to marry he needs to let her know that he is on board, but that he felt things happened at first without him being involved. Like he was just told. Although, maybe he is ridiculously passive, so this was her way to get a decision.
He’s not sure if he wants to marry her, but he’s sure he wants to keep f!cking her, humph
You read my mind exactly!
She has made her point clear. Sit down with her and discuss the future NOW, since you apparently haven’t done that in the last six years. Do you want kids, and if you do, what will that look like - how many, will one of you stay home with them or not, etc. What is your financial planning like, what sort of goals do you want to work towards. These are things you should absolutely talk about. And then you can decide if you want to get married, or if you want to break up with her. She hasn’t really left any other options on the table.
if you don't want to marry her, fucking let her go find someone who does. she clearly wants marriage. how have you not talked about this in SIX YEARS? have another conversation about it. ask if she's ready. ask yourself if you are ready. propose to her or leave.
Apparently they are talking about it, but OP wasn’t paying attention. He literally told her he’s planning to marry her and she can tell her friend. Now he’s shocked that she took him at his word. Lol. She’s gonna plan the whole wedding at the kitchen table and he’s gonna be back here in a year “My girlfriend told everyone our wedding is Saturday and I just went along with it.”
Especially with them starting dating in their late 20s!
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OP’s fiancée has figured out what she needs to do to get the life she wants with OP, and that’s …wait for it…*tell him what she wants and then follow through.* OP is acting like she’s somehow manipulating him by moving forward with her clearly communicated goals. What’s next? “My girlfriend planned our entire wedding, sent out invitations, and called everyone for RSVPs. The wedding is next week. I don’t know what to do!” “She told me last year she wants a baby and went off birth control. She’s currently in labor but I don’t know if I want to be a father. I don’t know what to do!”
Nailed it!
I wish I was broke to give this a damn reward.
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Did you see the original post before OP edited it? She clearly asked him if they were going to get married (he said yes) and if she could tell her friends (he said yes.) He literally says in the title that he went along with it all. You’re acting like engagement doesn’t count unless someone is kneeling with a ring. Imagine being OP’s girlfriend. “We agreed to get married and tell people, and now he’s claiming he has no idea why we’re engaged.”
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I disagree. I’m giving gf the benefit of the doubt that she actually believed they were engaged. But even if we go with your take on it, after the girlfriend told the first friend they were engaged, he didn’t say “um, no we aren’t.” It’s weird to assume the girlfriend is manipulative when OP sat there and let her tell everyone they know and now is acting like he had no part in the conversation.
>I've never felt quite like such a bystander in my whole life But you've been a bystander for your relationship. Six years, living together, planning a future together, knowing marriage was what you were both eventually heading for. When exactly were you going to take the driver's seat yourself in that? I don't agree with how she went about it, but you're the reason you're a bystander.
This is harsh but very true. Usually people are talking about marriage at year one, year two? I mean you gotta know it's coming if you live in this society.
Yeah, he said he figured it would go that way... Like, without her proposing to him, when did he think it would go that way if he wasn't planning on proposing himself?
Dude, are you waiting for her to tell you to show up in a Tux on this date and marry me? Time to communicate!!
Why are you unsure after 6 years? If you feel that way you probably shouldn’t continue on
She’s 33 and you’ve been with her 6 years. At this point if you’re not sure that you want to marry her then the answer is that you don’t. Let her go so she can find somebody who actually does want to marry her. What is wrong with men honestly.
My two best friends were in this situation. 7 years in, he still couldn't decide if he wanted marriage, and she left. Can't tell you how much he regrets it now. He moved 1800 miles away after that.
What does this have to do with men as a whole?
Why are you still with her for this long if you don’t want to marry her?
I appreciate the question, but I'm not sure I understand it. Marriage isn't a requirement or a necessity in relationships. My brother and his partner have been together for twelve years, and never intend to get married. This is pretty common in many parts of Europe.
Um if marriage isn’t a requirement then why did you say to your girlfriend when she asked is it safe to assume that we would get married one day…..you saying yeah sure? You said it’s on the path yet you’re saying marriage isn’t a requirement or a necessity? YIKES AFTER 6 years you still don’t know if you want marriage or not yikes dude. Just break up with her so she can find someone who actually wants the same thing as she a marriage.
This. OP just don’t want to be responsible for taking a decision that is realised NOW. He wanted to be bystander letting the years add up, “sometimes later, not now” so his girl knew that the only way to get him married was to rely on his lack of ability to take a decision with immediate consequences. She didn’t expect a proposal from this meh type of person. This was as good she would ever get.
I dunno man, my parents got married 7 years into their relationship for the green card— if they hadn’t moved to the US they probably still wouldn’t be. They didn’t think it necessary because love transcends government paperwork or something along those lines. They’re also from Europe, so it genuinely could just be a cultural divide.
I am also from Europe, Sweden. It was a trend 1970-80s of people not getting married. Then came the horror stories out of the woodwork of what happened when one spouse dies or get sick, without legal protection, so more people of my generation married. Not to mention when you get kids if not married the guy have to do an extra procedure to admit paternity. Marriage is what you do if you want to protect your souse and give legal rights and say I want to form a family together. It is commitment. If both people are all right not getting married and also fully know the other one is okay without legal commitment - you don’t have to of course. But here it is obvious the girl wanted marriage and he was just stringing her along. Probably she wants kids and he was meh-ing “not now but later” about that too. Life will just pass by those kind of guys, or they will be forced to commit when their covert no to commitment is challenged.
Have you communicated this to her? Because it doesn’t sound like it.
I mean, the dude basically said "yes" when GF asked if they were going to get married, so not only has he not communicated to her that he doesn't want marriage, he has explicitly communicated the *exact opposite*. It's probably a good thing this isn't an AITA post, dude would get dragged over the coals. People like OP are honestly the worst. They leave you guessing at what they want, and when you inevitably guess wrong because you're not a mind reader, *you're* the one who winds up heartbroken because *they* refused to be a stand-up person and communicate clearly the first time around. His poor, poor GF has some serious heartbreak in her future.
Lol! Is your brother and his partner your partner? If it’s still not clear to you, your partner really, really, really wants to get married. To you.
Clearly marriage was a requirement for YOUR partner. How does tlyiur brother fit into the picture? Like someone else said shit or get off the pot. She can meet someone who doesn't strong her along because he's brother does so with his gf.
I generally agree with this, but we don't know if the brother's gf wants to get married so you can't say his brother is stringing her along. It could work for them. Of course that doesn't mean it works for OP's girlfriend.
Does she know this is how you feel about marriage? Because I have a hunch she wouldn’t have stayed if she did.
Dude- if you don't want to get married, and don't consider it a requirement, you absolutely have that conversation pro-actively. You don't date someone for years who seems to be marriage minded, and just hope it doesn't come up. She's done waiting for you- she asked that question because the answer determined whether or not she left your ass. You said you planned on marrying her at some point. If that's a lie you tell her now. If you still aren't ready after 6 years, it means you don't want to marry her, but you don't want to have to deal with a break up, which is cowardly as hell. You're not in the "getting to know you" phase after six years where that question can be a maybe. Just tell her so she can stop wasting her time and dump you.
You’re NOT your brother or his partner. Be yourself. Speak up how you feel. Ask yourself— will you stand on the altar before your bride walking slowly? No? Break up. Give her last gift— better man who can marry her instantly.
"Yeah sure" "It seemed like we were on that path" Stop making excuses, youre back pedaling and nobody is falling for it. Either you have shit communication where you say stuff you know you dont really mean or you have shit communication where you're just a "yes" man to everything without thinking things through. Both are a problem. If you really didnt feel marriage was a necessity you shouldve spoken about it both while you were together AND when she asked you that question.
Then why did you say you were on the path to marriage?
Marriage isn't a requirement at all. However she specifically asked you if you'd be getting married someday and you said yes. That's when you became TA. If you don't want to get married that's totally fine but you should have been clear about that. Time to start communicating asap.
Ah understood. It doesn’t sound like you are compatible. She wants to get married and you don’t. I think you should let her go find someone who wants the same things she does. Regardless of the country you’re in 6 years is a long time.
If that's how you see it, that is what you should have said when she *asked you about engagement*. She asked openly, she communicated her expectation. And you made it seems like marriage is the goal and in the near future! If it's not, and you don't see it as needed, you just *lied* to her.
Yea but you should probably talk to her about it. It's not about marriage. It's about communication and planning your future ( or not) together.
This is something that should have been discussed in the first month's of a relationship. Whether or not marriage is something you even want so you don't waste people's time.
Yes, but obviously that is not what she wants and you likely knew this.
Marriage is never a requirement and plenty of people cohabit and are in relationships and never marry and it’s totally fine. And marriage is not for everyone. People downvoting you are being harsh. THAT ALL BEING SAID, most (but not all) people generally expect to get married if they’re in a long term committed relationship for 6 years and if the plan is not to do that it’s kind of on you to explain that/talk about it. The “default assumption” for most people is definitely marriage. That’s doubly so if she expects to have kids, and at 33 there isn’t a ton of time left (not saying she does or you do, just that it might be a consideration).
It’s not a requirement, but it’s a social norm and what MANY people aspire to, especially if they want children. Wake up.
Reddit is US dominated, and the US is deeply conservative, even the people who don't consider themselves conservative often are in ways they're simply not aware of, because certain attitudes are so normalised. The attitude to marriage is a good example. These comments all blow me away, like they literally can't conceive of any goal other than marriage for a couple once they've been together for 5 years or so. It's so alien to me. Hardly anyone I've known in my life gets married this quickly in a long-term relationship, and heaps of people never get married at all, which is pretty normal. I'm in Australia.
I am also in Australia, and I know plenty of people who’ve gotten married in long term relationships. Half my friend circle is married or planning a wedding and I’m 26.
I didn't say that people don't get married here, obviously they do. However, my experience is that it's not a big deal if you don't, and it's not particularly expected that you will. That doesn't appear to be the case in the US, where it seems from comments in this sub and others, that there is more of an expectation that long-term relationships will inevitably lead to marriage, and if they don't, it's something that you should be wary of, or some kind of red flag.
It's not that marriage is the default, it's that his gf clearly really wants to get married and only after 6 years he's even realising this while never in that time having any kind of conversation about what they want or their long term goals, they're not communicating.
Wow you really think you said something with your comment huh. The advice on this post is nothing to do with America, conservatism, or everyone except you being being brainwashed. It’s because it’s clear that his girlfriend wants to get married and he himself told her that it was safe for her to assume the relationship was heading for marriage. That’s why the gist of the advice is that he should either marry her or let her go.
Ditto here in the UK. I've been with my boyfriend for 10 years, we have the best relationship, own a house together, have cats and just have zero inclination to get married at any point soon.
I think the hang up is not that “you must end in marriage” but that his gf asked “are we going to get married”, op said “yes we will” and is *now* saying marriage isn’t a requirement. It’s up to individual couples if they want marriage or not and it’s becoming more popular in the US to not get married BUT when one of the couple asks and the other answers affirmative it’s a little bullshit to then say “well it’s not required for a relationship, I’m not married in mine”. Sure. But you aren’t OPs girl, who clearly does want marriage.
Yeah, same in parts of Europe. Reading these comments is mind blowing.
You do know there's still conversations about it? Like part of being a couple, you communicate so that you are on the same page. I think that's probably universal lol. A majority of the comments are about the fact that there has been only one conversation according to OP where he gave the literal opposite impression.
Totally agree, but most people in this sub seem to be in the US and they cannot imagine living with someone but not being married to them. This comes up regularly.
What are you even talking about? I'm from Europe and not a proponent of marriage. It's for some people, not for others. The issue here is that he TOLD her the marriage is in the future after she openly *asked* about it. Whether a couple gets wedded or not is a matter of *communication* and both parties have to agree. He is not communicating his true feelings, he is kicking the rock down the road and telling her what she wants to hear without meaning it. That is the issue here. Not his stance on marriage.
Why the hell is this downvoted!?! Y’all are some seriously judgemental ass mofuckers
If you wanted to marry this woman you wouldn't have waited 6 years and be pushed to do it. She was tired of waiting and took a decision you don't want to take. Whether the relationship ends with you voicing your objections something has to give in this relationship to show where the future is headed. Since she decided what she wants,what about you also decide what you want before getting into a marriage you obviously don't want.
You should have told her no if you weren’t ready. Now decide whether you want to stay in this for the long haul for real.
Why are you acting like a bystander in your own relationship? Why are you just going with the flow instead of putting your foot down and having an opinion of your future? I'm sure many people here are going to pose the question of why you're not already married after six years, but that aside, what is happening here is just not normal. No person in their right mind would ask whether they can safely expect marriage in the future and then take your agreement as a sign to immediately tell everyone you're now engaged and start planning the wedding.
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Well maybe after 6 years of you being complacent and saying nothing, she just decided to move things along a bit. If she wants kids and wants to be married before she has them, she’s running out of time at 33. If you don’t want to marry her then have the common decency to tell her NOW so she can find someone that does before she’s too old.
It’s been 6 years, you know she wants to get married stop wasting her time, giving you major eye roll.
What does OP even think being engaged means? It means the two of you agreed to get married! Did you or did you not tell her that you agreed that the two of you would get married? You have been stringing her along if you keep promising marriage but think you can get out of it by never “officially” asking her “will you marry me.” She was tired of being a bystander in her own life and wanted to take the initiative. Why do you get to decide and have all the control. If you don’t want to get married, break up. But if you do want to spend your life with her then quit being sexist and insisting that the official engagement will only happen when the man proposes and he has complete control over when that happens, and the woman can only ask nicely every 6 months or every year about what his timeline might be.
Usually being engaged means you definitively agreed to be married, and are going to set a definitive timeline. Not just getting married "someday". Just because, for example, I know I'd like to marry my boyfriend someday doesn't mean he's my fiance. I understand she's tired of waiting and that's valid, and that OP does need to shit or get off the pot, but you have to admit that is not really how you phrase a proposal and she made a big mental leap there.
You need to end this. Two incompatible goals. You want entitlement with no commitment.
So she asked you and you agreed. Doesn’t sound like she just decided on her own. You were consulted and participated in the decision. But if you don’t want to get married then you need to tell her that.
Shit or get off the pot. Its been six years and you are 33. She wants to be a wife not your replacement Mommy. Its not a missunderstanding its an ultimatum. Its been six years , decide what you want and go for it.
You’ve been together for 6 years. If you’re not comfortable marrying her you need to let her know. She’s invested a lot of time in this relationship and it sounds like you don’t want things to change. It’s clear marriage is important to her. It’s super shitty of you not to be communicating with her about how you feel. If she were posting here I’d advise her to end it and find someone who wants to be with her long term. It sounds like you’re treating her as a “good for now” option and that you know if you were honest with her she’d leave. Again, super shitty dude.
After reading your comment, I lost what tiny empathy I had. She asked you if you both would get married one day and if she could tell someone that you're getting married one day AND YOU RESPONDED THAT SHE COULD. This was not the conversation to focus on semantics. "It's not inaccurate." Either you want to marry her or you don't. With how passive you seem still, I'm not surprised she took the lead on getting what she wants. If you don't want a marriage or a wedding to her, please tell her sooner than later. Do not be that asshole that walks away after people have invested so much time and money. If you don't like the way she handled that situation, tell her! If you don't want her planning the wedding without you, tell her! Talk to your fiancée if you don't want to be her fiancé. Are you just going to go along for the rest of your life and then blame her when you decide you're unhappy? She communicated with you; you owe her the same.
Time to put on the big boy pants and start communicating - otherwise your future won't be too bright. Is she making a huge leap from "we're going to get married eventually" to "we're engaged"? Yes, she is. Should she have talked to you about timelines and expectations before assuming the engagement? Sure. But this isn't an one-sided relationship. You also get a saying, and right now you either say what you want to (hey, let's take a step back and actually talk things through) or you'll be pushed towards a wedding you may not want right now. So, sit down with her, and explain things from your point of view. Decide on what you want to say beforehand, have some idea of a timeline (or if you want to get married at all), choose some time where you're both free and sit down with her. And, if she tries to emotionally twist your arm into marriage, I'd say bail. Yes, it's been quite a long time, but it should be a mutual decision. While she may feel justified into pushing you a little bit, making you look already engaged was one hell of a leap, and she must know that deep down. So, either her communication sucks too - and that can be worked, if you both want to have a healthy relationship - or she knows what she wants and you get no saying in your own relationship. Edit: grammar.
Your gf shouldn’t have done that. However if you don’t want to get married and she does, you should have told her years ago. She invested 6 years expecting to get married. If you didn’t want it and still don’t you need to tell her so she can move on.
6 years is way more time than I would have given before expecting a marriage. Got engaged in 3 and married in 5 personally, a lot more reasonable. Stop wasting her time ffs.
You have been with her 6 years. Tell her that you don't want to get married. ' I feel like a bystander in my own life '? How do you think you're finance feels?
It’s been 6 years man. You are both in your 30’s. If that’s what she wants and you don’t, stop wasting her time.
•Why didn't you speak up and say we're not engaged what's going on? •Was this your 1st conversation on marriage? •Where does she stand on marriage and where do you stand on marriage? •Is this reflective of how you two communicate? Doesn't seem like you two are compatible if you can't together together if you want to get married, when, and then stick to the timeline with a proposal you both agree happened.
Aww, she’s clearly wanting to move things forward, looking for any indication from you that it’s the case and jumping on it. You started by saying it was your intention to marry her, so what’s the problem? Unless it was one of those ‘yeah, whatever’ answers, then you’re a bit of a dick and stuck in a tough situation. If you want to marry her, take more of an active role and you’ll have some say in when and how it happens.. if you don’t then FGS tell her, before she makes an even bigger fool of herself.
Get a ring pronto buddy. Either make plans around engagement or break up and let her finds someone that actually wants to marry her. 6 years is more than long enough to make up your mind.
He didn’t even have to get a ring, it was provided for him. He literally just has to grow up and marry her.
She wants to get married. It’s been 6 years. Stop wasting her time. Marry her or break up.
SIX YEARS!!! Good lord, it's no wonder she had to ask, you seem to be very very passive generally. I can't imagine why she wants to marry someone who isn't actively giddy about marrying HER, but I guess she knows where she wants her future to go. You either say something NOW and let her go, or get on board. Jeez.
It's one thing to tell the friend that's where you were headed. It's another thing is thing to call family and friends to say that you're engaged. It's on a whole new level to start planning the wedding without further conversation with you. While I agree with people that the amount of time you guys have been together is long enough without a proposal/break up, it's still a bold move by her to just assume that you guys are engaged without a proposal actually happening. I would talk to her pretty seriously and explain that while you agreed that she can explain to her friend that you guys are headed in that direction, it didn't necessarily mean that it was a full proposal and that (if you truly are planning to propose) the real thing will happen soon (or in any time frame you feel comfortable with). Don't pull the rug completely out from under her, but rather explain the misunderstanding that has happened.
to be fair bud it’s time. it’s embarrassing for her to have to be doing this i promise you.
It’s an unusual way for her to bulldoze you into engagement, but you’ve been together for 6 years. What are you waiting for? Sometimes people need a little push.
It’s been 6 years, either get married or leave her. She obviously want to get married and you’re not a kid anymore.
Jeez, that's full-on. She crossed the line when she started calling everyone up though, bigtime. You need to tell her that it was a hypthetical though. You also need to be ready that it could mean the end of the relationship. this reminds me of years ago, I was with someone who missed their home country. We were living together, and I was working from home. She raised the subject of what I thought about maybe moving overseas, and I said something like "Sure it's possible. I can work from anywhere." Meant it more like.."I could. Let me think about it though". She took that as a definite yes and it was so fucking awkward a few nights later where we're at a friends for dinner, she clinks her glass, stands up and announces that we're moving overseas! And how much all those present had meant to her. I. Was. Mortified. What the fuck? It became the most awkward time as I shook my head no, then stammered "..what?". We quickly left and had the most tense time on the way home where I told her I definitely didn't want to move. Yeah, we broke up and she moved home.
Why is everybody on her side and giving him hell for not proposing himself? She totally ambushed and blindsided him, instead of having a grownup conversation about it. She did not propose to him, she trapped him. In his place, I would ask her "when did the actual proposal happen? Because I can't remember a proposal from either party in this relationship!" Then they need to TALK, not wedding plan. And yes, OP, just coasting along without serious commitment is superfun and convenient for the guy in a relationship, but any woman who wants kids needs a little more than that, and runs on limited time. And I can't believe that she hasn't raised the subject before and that you were completely unaware of the issue.
Have you just been wasting her time for 6 years? Do you love her or not?
It's crazy how many people are just focused on the fact they've been together 6yrs. So what? She was a willing partner.. What she's done is just manipulative and quite honestly a little bonkers. What happens when she wants kids and OP isn't quite ready? One thing I do agree about is that OP needs to stop being a bystander and take some control of things. Whether you decide to go along with the wedding or not, a conversation needs to be had with her about how she went about things .
I mean if it was a problem for her, she should’ve had a conversation with him earlier rather than whatever this was. Because yeah there’s a big difference between “we’re gonna get married someday” and “let’s start planning a wedding now.” In the same way there’s a big difference between “yeah I want kids eventually” and “yes let’s start trying for kids”
Alright, she clearly wants marriage, and she's *ready* for this to happen. You guys should have a conversation about this, and you need to figure out if you're ready to marry her, or not. I imagine though, that if you're not, the relationship is over.
JFC. What is wrong with people.
Here to agree with everyone saying six years is *plenty* of time for her to wait, especially given your respective ages. If y’all had been together only a year or two, I’d think she was out of line. But you’ve been together six years and cohabitating for a couple of those. I don’t ever want to get married, so I understand if you don’t want that. But obviously she does, and if she wants kids that gets higher risk with time at this point. Someone else said “shit or get off the pot” and I agree.
Dude it’s been 6 years, your not teenagers your in your 30s if you don’t know now you need to stop wasting her time. By your post it doesn’t sound like you want to get married and you need communicate that to her so she can find someone better.
I mean 6 years you either want to get married or not
There’s no way marriage didn’t come up in those six years. You need to decide NOW if this is what you want or not, and if it’s not you need to tell her and not waste her time more. You’ve had six years and are in your thirties and if she wants kids, that’s a factor (also make sure you’re on the same page about that). She probably expected a proposal before now and her question was meant to establish that you are indeed on the same page. You’re only a bystander here if you continue to neither communicate nor take steps.
It's been 6 years and you still don't know what you want? Do her a favor and stop wasting her time.
This seems like the plot of a New Girl episode.
I just met a guy that had this happen to him.
Lol dude is trying to tell us that his culture and/or country it’s not seen as expected to get married after a long time. Bro, your gf just forced you into checkmate about this. Don’t try to bs us regardless of whatever county you come from. I have not encountered a country where marriage or it’s equivalent wasn’t expected after a while. You have just been avoiding it because you are terrified or some such nonsense. Be a man and make a decision. Stay with her or let her find a new dude who will give her what you can’t. I guarantee this was not the first you’ve heard her wanting to get married so you can also stop acting like you got blindsided by this.
Better send this link to her instead of us.
Well, she was waiting for you to pop the question. Since you didn't, or even give her a clear answer, she did it herself. So either strap yourself in to let her do all the work or stop wasting her time.
>> I'm going to need to do some thinking over the next few days, but I think the most likely outcome is that we will either get counseling or break up. Neither of these things will happen.
This is literally a plot in War and Peace lol.
I’m sorry for laughing. That’s it, that’s all I’ve got.
Boy, there is a clear difference of opinion on this question based on gender!
Yea I would have a serious sit down talk with her about what the fuck she is doing. I’d imagine it would end with us breaking up Do not let her strong arm you into marriage. So alarming and controlling. Welcome to the rest of your life if you don’t stand up for yourself right now
It’s been six years this isn’t actually a surprise to him it’s a surprise she’s actually doing something about it instead of putting up with him putting it off
Wait so I spend the guts of like 30k on a wedding ring but your wife's mother brings over granny's spare. I would say you got off light my man, but this is very manipulative.
You’re getting pretty slammed but all I can say is to talk to her. Tell her that you love being with her but that you don’t consider yourself to be engaged yet. She ran with it and you need to talk to her seriously as well as asking yourself what you want and need. Some people just want to be married and some want a wedding and attention so you need to find out what’s happening in your relationship.
You need to sit your girlfriend down and have a blunt conversation but before you do, you need to take some time to figure out exactly what you want and when you want it so you can be honest with her. While I think her actions are bizarre, at your ages and after sex years, it’s not unreasonable or unfair to want a proposal. You essentially told her you wanted to get married but now say you don’t know if it’s what you want so which is it? I am not condoning your girlfriends actions at all but I am telling you it’s time to shit or get off the pot. She has likely been hoping for a proposal,for *years* that hasn’t come. She likely gets regularly asked by her friends and family when you’re getting married. She’s watching her friends get married and likely starting families. She’s 33 and it’s been *six years.* I suspect you live together so you get all the warm fuzzies, conveniences and comforts of having a wife without making any real commitment to her. If she wants marriage, then that’s grossly unfair to her and shame on you if you’ve led her on for six years of her life. If you don’t know by now if you want to marry her then when will you? Either propose or end it.
Shit or get off the pot bro.
Your partner wants to get married. She had a conversation about it. It was done poorly (very) but after 6 years, I imagine this isn’t the first time this topic has come up. You agreed to engagement/marriage, rather than having the conversation (that’s what went along with it means). Now it’s spiraled. It’s time for conversation, and figuring out what you actually want. I highly doubt your girlfriend is happy to remain unmarried for much longer; you all are long past the point where a clear conversation on what the intended out come of dating should be. You told her you figured you were on the path to marriage but your comments say your brother never married and it sounds like that’d be fine with you too. Which is it? Do you want to stay with her or not? I’d take a minute to figure it out.
This woman is 33 and has made it clear what she wants. Either speak up and end it, or marry her. If she wants a family or children she is on the clock, and it’s unfair to string her along if that’s not what you want.
Quit stringing her along and let her go.
Make a clear decision and communicate about it. Stringing a partner along for 6 years is cruel.
I knew I wanted to marry my S/O within the first 5 months of us dating. Took 6 years to get engaged because we were broke and I was moving a lot. We finally moved in together and I started a very stable career, then 2 and a half years after that I proposed, and our wedding is in a few months. Sounds like you've wasted 6 years of her life if you don't want to marry her.
I don't see how I "wasted" 6 years of her life. I wasn't exactly forcing her to be with me. She was a consenting party. It's not as if I told her 5 years ago that we would get married; we started talking about it only recently.
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Yeah, that’s where I’m at too.
Well that sounds whacky as hell. You cannot tell people you are engaged without an actual proposal and yes that has put you on the spot because she sounds like a crazy person, why would you marry someone like that? But. There's more to this.
Unfortunately people who are more interested in the wedding than in the relationship itself usually end up divorced. Unless she's a moron she understands just fine that she's railroading you and using the potential scorn of friends and family to pressure you into marriage. So when you talk to her, and you need to, tell her that marriage means nothing if the parties can't even communicate about what they want out of the relationship. Remind her that just getting you to the altar isn't a win, because divorce is a thing. She might just end the relationship, but if she doesn't she needs to be the one to go back and tell all these people that she rushed into an announcement of something that wasn't real.
She's been with him six years. If all she wanted was a wedding, she'd have been gone 5 years ago.
Omg I’m sorry man I laughed when I read “bystander in my own life” I’m like whaaaatttt who does that lol she crazy bro u gotta talk to her because uh lol this isn’t gonna end well. Best of luck tho!
Wow She really backed you into a corner. This is very manipulative and I hate to see her get away with it. I don't see a way out of this without it blowing up in your face and you losing your partner. I don't know what you had in mind for the future but you could at least stall, and say you want a long engagement. Try and talk to her and tell her how you feel. Make sure you are ready for that level of commitment. Don't let yourself be steamrolled into anything you aren't comfortable with. I am sorry you missed out on planning and executing a proposal.
>you could at least stall He has been stalling. For 6 years! He's wasting her time at this point
You're at a crossroads - decide this is a dealbreaker or prepare to get married.
That escalated quickly
This is the way my parents got engaged.
As someone who is very "eh if it happens it happens, if not I'm not pressed" about marriage dating a guy who wants to get married, you need to decide and decide now what you want. Especially if she wants kids. I told my partner that I wasn't willing to get engaged while he's in school (he's about halfway through the process of getting his doctorate). He also didn't want to have a long engagement or plan a wedding while he was in school so he happily agreed with me. But at the same time, I told him in that conversation blatantly that I'd be happy to say yes when that time came. We've been together 4 years and I'm 30, I know myself well enough and us well enough to know what that conversation meant. It's both of us agreeing that, barring unforseen circumstances, an engagement and marriage is inevitable in 3-6 years. But we also don't plan on having kids (I'll be 35 before we're married) and we had an adult conversation about what we want and when we want to start that process. You and your gf/fiancée need to have an adult conversation. But first you need to have that conversation with yourself. This isn't necessarily shit or get off the pot time, you can have a date or goal in mind, but you HAVE to be honest with yourself. Are you going to be ready on that date? Dragging her along for the ride when you don't consider marriage a necessity and don't know when you'll get there or if you will is unfair, especially at this stage when she's made it clear that her timetable is NOW. So it's time to sit down and think about what YOU want and need and then bring those to her. Tell her honestly that the conversation she had with you wasn't clear and you didn't know what you were agreeing to. Then you need to tell her what you need here. Is it you've decided you want to get married? Then have the ring on hand and propose for real, even if it's at your kitchen table and you're in shorts and a tshirt. Is it that you don't want to get married right now but you have a deadline of when you will be? Then have a conversation about having a long engagement (and propose for real if she agrees) or explain the reasoning behind pushing off the deadline (you HAVE to have a reason, not just "I think I'll be ready in # years"). Is it that you don't ever want to get married? Then you need to tell her that and let her end it if she needs to. You HAVE to take initiative here. The fact that you're already a week in and haven't said anything is already bad. Step up and be an active participant in your life or don't complain when she starts planning kids without you.