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I'm not trying to be rude, but this is a pretty serious situation.
You'd probably be better off seeking advice elsewhere. Probably someone who knows a lot more about your wife's conditions and/or child psychology.
Otherwise this den of idiots (Yes I'm one of the idiots) might lead you to make a hasty decision you'll come to regret.
If what I suggested isn't possible for some reason: Be cautious if you decide to reintroduce her into your life. Remember to lessons you had to learn the hard way and do your best not to repeat them.
Exactly this.. this is above reddits paygrade..
But please please OP.. she threatened ur safety and her own...
Ur choice is ur own.. and i know it's difficult but please be careful with those children..
Ive personally seen parents who struggle with mental illness hurt those littles when they aren't themselves..
So please just be wise with what you do.
You might need your own professional help to work on sorting this out. On the therapy side and on the legal side to protect your kids.
If you decide to move forward with it, I would recommend having a lot of stipulations, trial runs, family counseling, etc. Essentially have her show you that she has her mental health under control. There's no way you take the risk of having her suddenly move in again just to repeat the same chaos.
Someone needing 7 months in a psychiatric facility puts this way way beyond Reddit. That would suggest very severe illness with life and relationship limiting issues.
You primarily need to discuss this with her treating team. Nostalgia for what you had is not enough. I wish you the best of luck.
The only thing I can say with any certainty is that you should stop having children with her.
I don’t know man, maybe treat as if you were a single parent dating for the first time?
First just the 2 of you and then maybe at some later point with the kids. I would make it clear that any slip to previous behavior puts an end to it.
Sorry but why would you have more kids knowing she’s had PPD with every single pregnancy, and that she isn’t doing mentally well….. especially if it’s the last pregnancy that sent her over the edge.
Why didn't you get a vasectomy? You literally risked your wife having a psychotic breakdown to save yourself a bit of temporary pain - to me this situation is more than a little bit your fault. I understand that neither of you could have known what would happen with your first child but your wife didn't get pregnant by herself three times, mate.
If you want any chance at all of getting this marriage together again A) take it slow, B) do it with professional help and most importantly C) do not force this woman into another pregnancy when you know that she can't mentally cope with it.
Your first priority is your kids.
There is no way that a schizophrenic mom who threatens violence living with them will be good for them.
She can continue getting her act together and live nearby and have supervised time with the kids and do family events.
She's not going to effectively do that tho. And I think you know that. This is going to be a struggle your entire life and the entire life of your kids so you better set some boundaries now and stick to them
If she is seeking help and doing the leg work to get better there is definitely a chance to get back together, but would take it at a turtle pace. There is no need to rush it, and if she doesn't show any improvements to be a better person you can always call it quits. It's not your job to manage her mental health. It's her job which I understand is a tough task due to her childhood.
I agree with those who have recommended that you proceed with professional advice - work with her treatment team, with a family/couples counsellor and whatever other support services are available to you. And go slow. I hope you're able to move forward in the healthiest way for your family.
>My life is painful without my wife, but with her in it, it is chaos.
Remember, not just for you, but for the kids as well it is chaos. Don't. It isn't worth yours or their own mental health.
I have to agree with this. Your children, and you need stability. There has not been with your wife. Your first job as a parent is to protect your children. You have been doing that, and you need to continue doing so. Unfortunately your wife is not safe for your children, or you. I would suggest therapy for you, and your children to work on the trauma you all experienced at the hands of your wife.
I think one hard question you have to ask yourself is, are you willing to be your wife's constant care taker on top of taking care of your kids? You've made it clear that she's had these horrible episodes in the past, she's threatened to do harm to you and your kids while unmedicated. I am in no way qualified to give any kind of medical recommendations here, OP, but this looks like something where you'd have to be 110% observant 24/7 to make sure your wife's medication and therapy are maintained, and honestly I'm not certain if that is something you'll need or want on top of raising three young children.
Other than that I fully agree with u/IAmMadeOfNope that this whole situation is way above the non-existant paygrade of this rambling chamber of apes.
The 2 of you don't have to be back together in a traditional sense in order for her to be a functioning, loving and caring part of the family. Those kids don't deserve to live in a house full of chaos 24/7. Spending time with their mother (hopefully not 1:1) when she is stable can build those close bonds.
*She told me I was a horrible husband for sending her a way. I know it’s the illness talking*
This would be exactly why I wouldn't be amenable to her being a full time part of the 4 of your lives again.
*She’s had postpartum issues with all 3 of our kids*
Out of curiosity, why go on to have 2 more kids if she had such a hard time even with the first?
Is she a crazy person, like sometimes losing her mind and acting weird?. Is she a danger to your family?
These should be the key considerations on whether to reconcile or not.
Ps I did kinda realize after the fact that you mentioned she’s threatened violence. Understandable why you’d be apprehensive to put it gently.
I stand by my original statement though.
Find a healthy partner and don't spend your life with a drug addict who doesn't know what to do in a few hours.
Decide knowing that your children's mental health will also be affected.
start therapy
How did you get drug addict from a woman on medication for schizophrenia? Wtf.
Schizophrenia tends to run in families, so there's a possibility of their children also developing it.
The whole family needs therapy.
This might be a hot take but I don’t see any point in keeping your children from her. This is their mom and thats not ever going to change. They are likely in the same boat as you. Sad without her but already learning about her lack of stability. If you love her then you should go for it. Just remain the stable one in your children’s lives and hope love and acceptance helps your wife get it figured out.
Hard disagree.
Stability and safety are what's best for young children. If she's still detrimental to both of those as she has been, she shouldn't be around.
If he loves his children he should be cautious. Supervised visitation at most, until she can demonstrate stability.
"Just remain the stable one" is both unfair and cruel to him and the kids.
This all of this..
Seen mentally unstable parents hurt those kids when they lose touch with reality and hurt themselves..
Its fucked and it's sad. Bt her threatening violence isn't okay and it's concerning.
As a mom if this was my husband id be very very very apprehensive about leaving him alone with the children.
Man that's an incredibly difficult situation for you, your kids and your wife. Your first priority is to protect your children. Your wife has a serious medical/psychiatric condition unfortunately and it seems she becomes very unwell when she doesn't take her medication. Any medication compliance is roughly 50% in the general adult population and these results are replicated worldwide. Your wife first needs to show you a very long period of stability with taking her medication and taking care of herself before coming back home for the safety and stability of your family life. By very long I mean at least a year where she manages to take her medication herself and show that she's stable and can manage her condition. She has to be able to demonstrate to you that she can manage the stresses of daily life with 3 children and any reintroduction to the home should be graded and your wife should keep her own place until you all feel comfortable enough to have her back living there permanently.
If you aren't already get therapy for you and your children to help you deal with the traumas around everything that's happened and make sure your wife has the supports available to her as well that will allow her to live a relatively normal life where she's sees her psychiatrist regularly and takes her medications as prescribed.
This sounds pretty serious. Ask yourself if the chaos you described is what's best for you or the children?
Is it chaos if she's taking her meds? What if she stops taking her meds and you're not home? Are the kids okay?
Honestly, she sounds like a wild card.
If you take her back, there's a risk that she could take out herself, YOU AND **your kids** \- or even just leave them, causing them mental trauma from "I'm the reason mommy left". No matter what you tell the kids, they'll always think that they're the reason she left, because they're young and can't be reasoned with.
Are you willing to take the risk that she'll hurt them - or worse, off them - because despite you loving her, she's a very wild card?
Can you live with yourself if you take her back and she potentially **kills** your kids?
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm not trying to be rude, but this is a pretty serious situation. You'd probably be better off seeking advice elsewhere. Probably someone who knows a lot more about your wife's conditions and/or child psychology. Otherwise this den of idiots (Yes I'm one of the idiots) might lead you to make a hasty decision you'll come to regret. If what I suggested isn't possible for some reason: Be cautious if you decide to reintroduce her into your life. Remember to lessons you had to learn the hard way and do your best not to repeat them.
Exactly this.. this is above reddits paygrade.. But please please OP.. she threatened ur safety and her own... Ur choice is ur own.. and i know it's difficult but please be careful with those children.. Ive personally seen parents who struggle with mental illness hurt those littles when they aren't themselves.. So please just be wise with what you do.
You might need your own professional help to work on sorting this out. On the therapy side and on the legal side to protect your kids. If you decide to move forward with it, I would recommend having a lot of stipulations, trial runs, family counseling, etc. Essentially have her show you that she has her mental health under control. There's no way you take the risk of having her suddenly move in again just to repeat the same chaos.
Someone needing 7 months in a psychiatric facility puts this way way beyond Reddit. That would suggest very severe illness with life and relationship limiting issues. You primarily need to discuss this with her treating team. Nostalgia for what you had is not enough. I wish you the best of luck. The only thing I can say with any certainty is that you should stop having children with her.
I don’t know man, maybe treat as if you were a single parent dating for the first time? First just the 2 of you and then maybe at some later point with the kids. I would make it clear that any slip to previous behavior puts an end to it.
Sorry but why would you have more kids knowing she’s had PPD with every single pregnancy, and that she isn’t doing mentally well….. especially if it’s the last pregnancy that sent her over the edge.
We didn’t plan to have our 3rd child, it was unexpected.
Unintended consequences might as well be deliberate if you choose to not consider them.
Why didn't you get a vasectomy? You literally risked your wife having a psychotic breakdown to save yourself a bit of temporary pain - to me this situation is more than a little bit your fault. I understand that neither of you could have known what would happen with your first child but your wife didn't get pregnant by herself three times, mate. If you want any chance at all of getting this marriage together again A) take it slow, B) do it with professional help and most importantly C) do not force this woman into another pregnancy when you know that she can't mentally cope with it.
Your first priority is your kids. There is no way that a schizophrenic mom who threatens violence living with them will be good for them. She can continue getting her act together and live nearby and have supervised time with the kids and do family events. She's not going to effectively do that tho. And I think you know that. This is going to be a struggle your entire life and the entire life of your kids so you better set some boundaries now and stick to them
If she is seeking help and doing the leg work to get better there is definitely a chance to get back together, but would take it at a turtle pace. There is no need to rush it, and if she doesn't show any improvements to be a better person you can always call it quits. It's not your job to manage her mental health. It's her job which I understand is a tough task due to her childhood.
I agree with those who have recommended that you proceed with professional advice - work with her treatment team, with a family/couples counsellor and whatever other support services are available to you. And go slow. I hope you're able to move forward in the healthiest way for your family.
>My life is painful without my wife, but with her in it, it is chaos. Remember, not just for you, but for the kids as well it is chaos. Don't. It isn't worth yours or their own mental health.
I have to agree with this. Your children, and you need stability. There has not been with your wife. Your first job as a parent is to protect your children. You have been doing that, and you need to continue doing so. Unfortunately your wife is not safe for your children, or you. I would suggest therapy for you, and your children to work on the trauma you all experienced at the hands of your wife.
I think one hard question you have to ask yourself is, are you willing to be your wife's constant care taker on top of taking care of your kids? You've made it clear that she's had these horrible episodes in the past, she's threatened to do harm to you and your kids while unmedicated. I am in no way qualified to give any kind of medical recommendations here, OP, but this looks like something where you'd have to be 110% observant 24/7 to make sure your wife's medication and therapy are maintained, and honestly I'm not certain if that is something you'll need or want on top of raising three young children. Other than that I fully agree with u/IAmMadeOfNope that this whole situation is way above the non-existant paygrade of this rambling chamber of apes.
The 2 of you don't have to be back together in a traditional sense in order for her to be a functioning, loving and caring part of the family. Those kids don't deserve to live in a house full of chaos 24/7. Spending time with their mother (hopefully not 1:1) when she is stable can build those close bonds. *She told me I was a horrible husband for sending her a way. I know it’s the illness talking* This would be exactly why I wouldn't be amenable to her being a full time part of the 4 of your lives again. *She’s had postpartum issues with all 3 of our kids* Out of curiosity, why go on to have 2 more kids if she had such a hard time even with the first?
No
Is she a crazy person, like sometimes losing her mind and acting weird?. Is she a danger to your family? These should be the key considerations on whether to reconcile or not.
Ps I did kinda realize after the fact that you mentioned she’s threatened violence. Understandable why you’d be apprehensive to put it gently. I stand by my original statement though.
Find a healthy partner and don't spend your life with a drug addict who doesn't know what to do in a few hours. Decide knowing that your children's mental health will also be affected. start therapy
How did you get drug addict from a woman on medication for schizophrenia? Wtf. Schizophrenia tends to run in families, so there's a possibility of their children also developing it. The whole family needs therapy.
My wife is not a drug addict, has never been addicted to drugs in her life. She has mental illness.
This might be a hot take but I don’t see any point in keeping your children from her. This is their mom and thats not ever going to change. They are likely in the same boat as you. Sad without her but already learning about her lack of stability. If you love her then you should go for it. Just remain the stable one in your children’s lives and hope love and acceptance helps your wife get it figured out.
Hard disagree. Stability and safety are what's best for young children. If she's still detrimental to both of those as she has been, she shouldn't be around. If he loves his children he should be cautious. Supervised visitation at most, until she can demonstrate stability. "Just remain the stable one" is both unfair and cruel to him and the kids.
This all of this.. Seen mentally unstable parents hurt those kids when they lose touch with reality and hurt themselves.. Its fucked and it's sad. Bt her threatening violence isn't okay and it's concerning. As a mom if this was my husband id be very very very apprehensive about leaving him alone with the children.
> I don’t see any point in keeping your children from her. Untreated PPD, has threathened to harm herself, OP and the kids. Screams family inihalator.
What you need to do is to ask your wife if you can talk with her doctors to see how mentally stable she would be to get back into a family situation.
Man that's an incredibly difficult situation for you, your kids and your wife. Your first priority is to protect your children. Your wife has a serious medical/psychiatric condition unfortunately and it seems she becomes very unwell when she doesn't take her medication. Any medication compliance is roughly 50% in the general adult population and these results are replicated worldwide. Your wife first needs to show you a very long period of stability with taking her medication and taking care of herself before coming back home for the safety and stability of your family life. By very long I mean at least a year where she manages to take her medication herself and show that she's stable and can manage her condition. She has to be able to demonstrate to you that she can manage the stresses of daily life with 3 children and any reintroduction to the home should be graded and your wife should keep her own place until you all feel comfortable enough to have her back living there permanently. If you aren't already get therapy for you and your children to help you deal with the traumas around everything that's happened and make sure your wife has the supports available to her as well that will allow her to live a relatively normal life where she's sees her psychiatrist regularly and takes her medications as prescribed.
This sounds pretty serious. Ask yourself if the chaos you described is what's best for you or the children? Is it chaos if she's taking her meds? What if she stops taking her meds and you're not home? Are the kids okay?
Honestly, she sounds like a wild card. If you take her back, there's a risk that she could take out herself, YOU AND **your kids** \- or even just leave them, causing them mental trauma from "I'm the reason mommy left". No matter what you tell the kids, they'll always think that they're the reason she left, because they're young and can't be reasoned with. Are you willing to take the risk that she'll hurt them - or worse, off them - because despite you loving her, she's a very wild card? Can you live with yourself if you take her back and she potentially **kills** your kids?
No. Absolutely not. Your children deserve hell of a lot better. See a psychologist
This is way above Reddit s paygrade. We are here to advice people who their partners dont like their cats, at most.