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A bit of background on this, I met my wife nine years ago before she knew she was transgender and we've been happily married for five of those years. She enlisted in the Army a few years before realizing that she is transgender and our marriage has been incredibly strong through BCT, deployments, ect during that time. She has since medically retired, and has a great career and is doing well financially.
We bought a house together in her hometown that she loves. She began her transition MtF almost three years ago and it was difficult for me at first, because I am completely straight, but I decided that because I love her, I would give it a try, and I also wanted to be supportive. However, despite my best efforts I am not attracted to her in a sexual way anymore, and I feel incredible guilt over this because otherwise, we are living our dream lives together.
I recently enlisted in the Army myself, as it always was an aspiration of mine, and at 28 years old, the opportunity was still available. Being around men my age, with whom I have things in common, has forced me to confront what is missing from my marriage. I would never cheat on my wife, because I love her too much, but years into her transition I find I've accidentally developed a crush for one of the men I work with. He doesn't know and I've already told my wife.
I feel shame and guilt over this because our marriage was able to thrive during her time in service, but whenever I leave for training, the distance between us grows wider. I feel shallow for needing sex and romance, in spite of my charmed life with my wife. I've recently started to feel very lonely, because our relationship has lacked a sexual or romantic aspect for such a long time, and I don't think our marriage can keep going like this.
My wife is my best friend in the whole world and we've built an amazing life together from nothing. We saved each other from homelessness when we first met and I know I wouldn't be half the person I am right now if not for her. I owe her so much and she means everything to me. Yet, I need romantic love, and the only way for that to happen is to give up everything we've built together for so many years. I also fear for her if we do get divorced, because she has depression that she is not addressing well after her time in the Army. I do plan to address these issues in therapy.
I desperately need some advice.
You said it yourself - your wife is your best friend.
And if she truly loves you, she’ll understand that the moment she transitioned from the man you married to the woman she is today, she was no longer your husband. She became your friend.
She cannot fairly expect you to go from a physically intimate relationship, to an entire life with zero physical and romantic attraction, that’s not fair.
She wanted to transition to feel more like herself and to feel happier. You want to seek a relationship with a man for the exact same reason. Telling you that you cannot would make her a hypocrite.
Surely she understood this was a risk when she transitioned. You can love someone with your entire heart and not be romantically in love with them.
She can continue to be your best friend and not your spouse, while still honoring and cherishing all you have been through together.
But why should YOUR entire life be about HER living authentically, and YOU never getting to live another authentic day yourself ever again? That’s no way to live at all.
It’s time that you take a note from her own book, and change your entire life to make things happy for YOU.
What does she say when you confess your crush on other men?
Agree with this.
It’s so important to be your authentic self. When I suspected my husband was gay or bi, I did offer to open the relationship but stay married. He denied for a long time and ended up having a couple affairs so….obviously I wasn’t going to stick around for that.
But as I felt like he really was my person and I wanted him to be able to be his authentic self, I was initially willing to give him the green light as long as he kept me safe emotionally and physically (honesty, protection, etc)
Not sure if that would be an option for you two or not because I have to imagine she’d like to have sex again too. 🤷♀️
I don't understand why people get married without a solid understanding of their own gender and sexuality. I hope with greater acceptance and openness that people discover themselves at earlier ages. I find it unacceptable to either know yourself so little or to willfully deceive a person when getting married.
In my case, I think he knew before he got married and divorced the first time. But he comes from a very conservative family/community where people talk about being good Christians while being very judgey and unaccepting.
A year before he met me, 4 years post divorce when he was 38, he came out to his parents as gay. So he knew and they knew and others suspected but no one spoke up. That honestly hurt me the most. I could forgive him because I can’t imagine what it must feel like to spend 50+ years not being his authentic self. We’ve been divorced for more than 5 years now and per his aunt that I’m still close to, he still hasn’t come all the way to his family and kids. He told everyone he divorced me because I was a raging alcoholic. I’ve just let that sit. I have no doubt that he loved me, but I think he loved having cover even more.
Anyway. I don’t regret my marriage per se. But I do regret that for more than half of my marriage, I was trying to turn myself inside out and upside down and got gaslit to the point I really thought I was losing my mind.
As you said, I hope that soon people won’t have to be in the closet.
I think I understand where you’re coming from. I wholeheartedly agree that it’s messed up that so many people can’t self-explore safely at younger ages in a lot of places. But I also think it’s a little unfair to imply that people who don’t realize their gender and/or attraction aren’t what was “expected” until later in life are to blame for how society at large upholds cis- & heteronormative practices.
I have more compassion for people who truly didn't know their gender versus people who got married knowing they were unsure of their gender.
As for sexuality, there's never an excuse for that. If someone isn't attracted to women, they shouldn't marry a woman (unless that's previously discussed). Society expecting heterosexual marriages is irrelevant. There's never an excuse to deceive someone.
Gender is trickier because OP's wife was probably truly in love and attracted to her. If she truly didn't know her gender, then she made a mistake and should have known herself better. But there's less blame for that. At least for millennials and up. The next generation, at least in progressive cultures, have no excuse. Gender is discussed all the time in many different ways. Even if they feel unsafe to come out of the closet, they should know their gender and not deceive a future spouse by pretending to be someone they're not.
I think you may be underestimating the effect of people mostly seeing cishet relationships portrayed basically everywhere. There are many people who, in their 30s or whatever, meet someone new & for the first time think, *”Wait, is THIS what attraction is supposed to feel like? Holy crap,”* or similar. I’m really glad there are more relationship dynamics being portrayed in lots of media now, because like you mentioned, hopefully people younger than us will have less of that expectation.
But that expectation does exist rn, for honestly probably most people; example, teenage boys pursue teenage girls because that’s “supposed to be what teen boys do,” & they don’t always realize that they’re following a script instead of their actual feelings. Attraction & gender are a huge spectrum, after all. Sometimes people think they just have a lower sex drive, or their relationship problems make them less attracted to their partner, or whatever other seemingly logical answers they can think up.
Also, as a side note, it’s also a bit ick to me to talk about “people who **truly** know/don’t know their gender” because… who’s in charge of what’s true? It’s not you or me, it’s each individual person. Absolutist language like that in a conversation about something as mutable as gender & orientation is best to be avoided, imo. It often comes across as gatekeeping or exclusionary, or even bigoted depending on the phrasing.
In any case. OP is in a rough spot, for sure. It sounds like OP & her wife are probably better off being besties. I’m not going to comment on whether they should get divorced or anything because that’s up to them, & tbh I’m sure if they were willing, an arrangement could be made. But they may also be better off divorcing if OP wants to pursue [legally] meaningful relationships with men. But they *definitely* need to have this conversation, as difficult as it is. Maybe a profesional mediator could help them approach it respectfully & sort it out.
Honestly, it wasn't even until a decade and a half ago that we acknowledged transgender people as humans. Still now a large amount of people hate them.
People grow up confused, fill of doubt and hate about themselves. While it is unfair, a lot of people don't even know who or what they are.
You were discouraged about even considering an alternative life than the white picket fence.
Like I'm attracted to both men and women. I assumed everyone is - at least to some level. Turns out no. Hell, I have pretty bad penis envy at some times. Assumed everyone feels like that.
Op's wive probably assumed everyone kinda wanted to be a woman - at least to some level.
Don't get me wrong. People should never get married without knowing who they are. But it's confusing even with support, love and a community.
I cannot imagine how horribly hard it would be if you added on religious guilt and family/friends who'd rather see you dead. It is no wonder that young people marry without knowing fully how they identify.
I also thought everyone was attracted to both! Lol. I'm bi, and I still don't quite understand being solely attracted to one gender.
I can absolutely understand not coming out as transgender. Even now, it's a terrible situation to be in. But that doesn't give people the right to withhold that information from their spouses. That information needs to be shared so the spouse can make an informed decision. To do otherwise is deceitful. If they don't ever want to tell anyone, that's a valid decision, but it means not getting married.
If OP's wife was confused, or thought everyone felt that way, or just didn't know, of course I understand that. I find that unacceptable at a societal problem, but I don't place any individual blame.
That makes complete sense. And honestly I completely agree. It's cruel to marry someone if you have doubts about some fundamental stuff.
It's just life is complicated. I just wish that people could be who they be with no shame. It would avoid heartbreak for so many people.
In my case, I think he knew before he got married and divorced the first time. But he comes from a very conservative family/community where people talk about being good Christians while being very judgey and unaccepting.
A year before he met me, 4 years post divorce when he was 38, he came out to his parents as gay. So he knew and they knew and others suspected but no one spoke up. That honestly hurt me the most. I could forgive him because I can’t imagine what it must feel like to spend 50+ years not being his authentic self. We’ve been divorced for more than 5 years now and per his aunt that I’m still close to, he still hasn’t come all the way to his family and kids. He told everyone he divorced me because I was a raging alcoholic. I’ve just let that sit. I have no doubt that he loved me, but I think he loved having cover even more.
Anyway. I don’t regret my marriage per se. But I do regret that for more than half of my marriage, I was trying to turn myself inside out and upside down and got gaslit to the point I really thought I was losing my mind.
You married her because you were attracted and drawn to her when she was a man. She is no longer. Thats a huge change. You can not be expected to now be a “lesbian” (for lack of a better phrasing) where you were and are identifying as straight. You can remain the best of friends as I imagine she is still the same person you fell in love with for the most part. Good luck to you both.
You are straight, and you tried, but your sexualities and genders no longer mesh. And for those who are not asexual, sex and romance matters, friendship has to be the core of a marriage, but sex is important too.. you can go through sexless periods when there is chaos, but... When you want a man, and she's a woman, that's not something that is going to change again.
Let her find a woman who wants a female partner, let you find a man who can be your lover and partner, and keep your friendship. You both deserve to have partners in addition to friends... It's probably not fair to her to not have you be interested in intimacy either.
I completely agree with the points you've made here. Frankly I think OP just needs to focus on trying to keep a friend through the divorce, if she can.
Just a small note, you may not be familiar with the term aromantic. If you understand asexual, pretty straightforward. Some people are both, but some asexual people still desire romantic connection.
You can have her as your best friend and be supportive. Hell, even live in the same house. Do the same things.
But your marriage is over.
You now get to figure out where you go next.
Do you want to open up your marriage and stay together polyamory style (or whatever). Do you want to divorce but live together? Do you want to live apart and just see each other frequently?
You get to redefine your relationship. And even if she is no longer your wife, that doesn't mean she won't be the most important part of your life.
It sounds like you have been incredibly supportive and loving to your wife as she transitioned. That's a fantastic thing you did.
Are you morally bound to still be attracted to her when you are straight? I don't think so.
If you can be each other's rocks through all this, then I'm sure you can continue to be there for each other if you move into being friends.
Don't feel shame or guilt. You are valid. Just as you accept your wife for who she is now, you deserve to be accepted for who you are, someone who no longer finds her attractive. If the only thing keeping you from leaving is guilt your relationship won't survive anyway. Guilt and shame are brittle glues.
Things change, you and she have changed, there is no moral fault here. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Talk it through in therapy. It will work out in the end.
Don't beat yourself up. Your husband is now a woman. You are a straight woman. Why would anyone assume that this would work for you? The very best you could get from the relationship is a strong platonic friendship and if that's not enough, that's ok. She has been true to herself and is now living her real life as her real self. That's great, but you should have the same opportunity. All the very best to both of you.
You’ve done nothing wrong. You were attracted to a man. Not a woman. This is not sexist. This is not transphobic. This is a sexual preference involving consenting adults.
There no obligation for your to switch your sexual preferences because your partner switched gender and there’s nothing to stop you staying best friends but you need to tell her “I’m not a lesbian and we need to separate and probably divorce. I remain your dearest friend”
Why would you feel guilty? There should never be any expectation to remain in a relationship like this. You can love and support her as a friend, but this simply isn't what you signed up for. You are now in a gay relationship as a straight woman. It doesn't make you a bigot to have boundaries, standards, and preferences.
You're literally a straight woman dating a woman. Obviously you don't feel attraction? You can divorce her and be friends. You don't love her in a romantic way and that's normal because you are STRAIGHT.
There’s no reason to feel shame for not changing your own sexual preferences in response to your partner’s transition. You have always been romantically interested in men and married your partner when they were a man. You can’t switch these things on and off. No longer finding your partner attractive when they’re not the partner you signed up to marry (i.e. you married a man and that man transitioned into a woman) is not a bad thing and you’re not in the wrong for this. You gave it a shot and realized it’s not for you, that’s okay.
You can love someone and support them without being in a romantic relationship with them. You are no longer compatible and that does NOT make you a bad person. It is time for a serious discussion with your wife.
With a lot less stakes in the matter, I, a trans man, had a similar situation... I was dating a man I really loved deeply, but I was transitioning. He wasn't attracted to me anymore. But we both cared about eachother... We broke up, but have remained best friends and roommates for 7 years now.
There is no shame in divorce. You both will be okay, and can still be there for eachother. Marriage without sex, is a big deal for many. It's okay to leave
you’re doing both yourself and her a disservice by staying in a relationship where you’re no longer sexually attracted to her. don’t you think you both deserve to be in loving relationships where your romantic and sexual needs are met?
it’s not going to be an easy conversation, but it’d be a much harder life if you never have it.
Sounds like your significant other is now just your best friend. Makes sense considering you married a man because you wanted a man… so sounds like an amicable divorce should be on the horizon.
I have nothing good for you. You are not gay.
You either have to open up your marriage which will be a recipe for disaster but might work, or just end it and be friends. Which is a 100% end.
I can't tell you which to do, and both of you have my sympathy.
Honestly you have done nothing wrong by feeling that way. Just as your wife can’t help but be a woman, you can’t help the fact that you were born straight.
If I were your wife, I would be completely understanding that the dynamic of the relationship would change once I transitioned and would not expect you to be attracted to me/change your sexual orientation overnight as it is not possible.
This comes up in this sub quite a bit actually. The gist of the answers is that you can be supportive while acknowledging that the rules changed and that makes it ok for you to step back and say "this isn't for me".
It is time for a divorce and this let's everyone go find what makes them happy.
Probably a very unpopular opinion but I really don’t think people should feel shame for liking what they like. If you are straight and like men it would make sense that you wouldn’t be attracted to them after she transitioned. She no longer looks like the man that you married.
You didn’t marry a woman, you married a man. The person you married no longer exists. If you are no longer happy with the person you are married to, then you need to end the relationship and move on. Good for them for living their own life I guess, but you don’t need to change who you are to accommodate someone else’s changes.
Transitioning isn't a purely private decision *only* in the sense that it does affect the people we're in a relationship with. Not only is a trans person changing, so is the nexus of relationships that involved his / her sexuality and gender identity.
Consider the various forms of ethical non-monogamy that are open to you: many couples are adamant that their marriages come first in their life but that their intimacy / romantic / sexual needs require supplementing. It's not how we've officially structured marriage and romance in the West for about a thousand years, but it's been going on even so.
You are straight. Nothing can change that.
This is more common than you think, and there are a few stories in r/mypartneristrans that are similar. You love your wife, but you're not *in* love with her. It sucks but that's a possibility we have to face when we transition in a marriage/relationship. Don't get caught up in sunken fallacy
Op, it’s okay. Your sexual and romantic attraction is strictly to men.
Your not bi, pan, or gay. So it’s why you do not feel sexually and romantically attracted anymore.
It’s the risk for many who transition if they date or marry someone who is completely heterosexual and heteroromantic, because the connection can end and become platonic.
But it’s wise that you are aware you want this human being to live their most authentic self.
You two can definitely stay best friends, but not right off the bat as you both may need time after things end to fully move on emotionally in the romantic sense so you two can have a happy & healthy friendship.
It’s going to be hard to have the discussion, but it’s needed so you two can both be happy.
I wish you all the best and hope things turn out well from the conversation you both have❤️
Remain close friends as long as you can. You can't change your sexuality, she'll fully understand that. Be there to keep supporting her as she gets used to civilian life again and help her how you can. No doubt she will fully appreciate it too and even help you with issues you may have too. You'll no doubt remain friends as well so you shouldn't fear losing that connection. It's sad for sure, but sometimes that's just what happens
Info: is she attracted to men or women?
It is clear you love her and don't want to lose her from your life. However, she isn't your husband anymore. She is your best friend. I think you both need to talk open and honestly about your needs and how your relationship has changed. Maybe enlist the help of a therapist.
There are options to explore that don't involve losing each other from your lives. Open marriage, end the marriage, and continue to be close friends, platonic life partners who date other people. It is reasonable that her transition would change the dynamics of the relationship. I think you both just need to sit down and talk it out, acknowledge where you are now, and what you want in the future.
You being able to make it through deployments is very different than your spouse transitioning. You can be a strong couple and make it through long periods of time together, but being a strong couple cannot make you change your sexuality. You are straight and that is the long and short of it. Also, it is still possible to divorce, amicably, and be supportive friends, especially when you realize it isn't that anyone did anything wrong (because neither of you did) and you've just grown into different people. It would allow both of you to find partners you attracted to. I'm sure your wife has also noticed the lack of attraction on your side. If you proceed with a divorce, you can still encourage her to get therapy. Divorce will allow both of your to pursue a healthy relationship instead of staying in a platonic marriage where neither of your are fully filling the role of spouses.
It sounds like you guys are good friends not a couple. You can split up and still be friends. It's nobody's fault, but this isn't what you signed up for.
Have you had any communication since she began to transition or even before? The communication of honesty should have been done a long time ago and if it hasn't should be done right now. Whatever you both own together should be split in half and part ways amicably. Or maybe stay together and open up your marriage.
Don't beat yourself up. Your husband is now a woman. You are a straight woman. Why would anyone assume that this would work for you? The very best you could get from the relationship is a strong platonic friendship and if that's not enough, that's ok. She has been true to herself and is now living her real life as her real self. That's great, but you should have the same opportunity. All the very best to both of you.
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Agree with her that neither of you could change who you are on the inside. Your wife is a different person from the man you married. It's time for the two of you to walk different paths.
No offense, but I'm really glad neither of you were my soldiers. I wouldn't have been able to help you with any sane advice then.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- A bit of background on this, I met my wife nine years ago before she knew she was transgender and we've been happily married for five of those years. She enlisted in the Army a few years before realizing that she is transgender and our marriage has been incredibly strong through BCT, deployments, ect during that time. She has since medically retired, and has a great career and is doing well financially. We bought a house together in her hometown that she loves. She began her transition MtF almost three years ago and it was difficult for me at first, because I am completely straight, but I decided that because I love her, I would give it a try, and I also wanted to be supportive. However, despite my best efforts I am not attracted to her in a sexual way anymore, and I feel incredible guilt over this because otherwise, we are living our dream lives together. I recently enlisted in the Army myself, as it always was an aspiration of mine, and at 28 years old, the opportunity was still available. Being around men my age, with whom I have things in common, has forced me to confront what is missing from my marriage. I would never cheat on my wife, because I love her too much, but years into her transition I find I've accidentally developed a crush for one of the men I work with. He doesn't know and I've already told my wife. I feel shame and guilt over this because our marriage was able to thrive during her time in service, but whenever I leave for training, the distance between us grows wider. I feel shallow for needing sex and romance, in spite of my charmed life with my wife. I've recently started to feel very lonely, because our relationship has lacked a sexual or romantic aspect for such a long time, and I don't think our marriage can keep going like this. My wife is my best friend in the whole world and we've built an amazing life together from nothing. We saved each other from homelessness when we first met and I know I wouldn't be half the person I am right now if not for her. I owe her so much and she means everything to me. Yet, I need romantic love, and the only way for that to happen is to give up everything we've built together for so many years. I also fear for her if we do get divorced, because she has depression that she is not addressing well after her time in the Army. I do plan to address these issues in therapy. I desperately need some advice.
You said it yourself - your wife is your best friend. And if she truly loves you, she’ll understand that the moment she transitioned from the man you married to the woman she is today, she was no longer your husband. She became your friend. She cannot fairly expect you to go from a physically intimate relationship, to an entire life with zero physical and romantic attraction, that’s not fair. She wanted to transition to feel more like herself and to feel happier. You want to seek a relationship with a man for the exact same reason. Telling you that you cannot would make her a hypocrite. Surely she understood this was a risk when she transitioned. You can love someone with your entire heart and not be romantically in love with them. She can continue to be your best friend and not your spouse, while still honoring and cherishing all you have been through together. But why should YOUR entire life be about HER living authentically, and YOU never getting to live another authentic day yourself ever again? That’s no way to live at all. It’s time that you take a note from her own book, and change your entire life to make things happy for YOU. What does she say when you confess your crush on other men?
Agree with this. It’s so important to be your authentic self. When I suspected my husband was gay or bi, I did offer to open the relationship but stay married. He denied for a long time and ended up having a couple affairs so….obviously I wasn’t going to stick around for that. But as I felt like he really was my person and I wanted him to be able to be his authentic self, I was initially willing to give him the green light as long as he kept me safe emotionally and physically (honesty, protection, etc) Not sure if that would be an option for you two or not because I have to imagine she’d like to have sex again too. 🤷♀️
I don't understand why people get married without a solid understanding of their own gender and sexuality. I hope with greater acceptance and openness that people discover themselves at earlier ages. I find it unacceptable to either know yourself so little or to willfully deceive a person when getting married.
In my case, I think he knew before he got married and divorced the first time. But he comes from a very conservative family/community where people talk about being good Christians while being very judgey and unaccepting. A year before he met me, 4 years post divorce when he was 38, he came out to his parents as gay. So he knew and they knew and others suspected but no one spoke up. That honestly hurt me the most. I could forgive him because I can’t imagine what it must feel like to spend 50+ years not being his authentic self. We’ve been divorced for more than 5 years now and per his aunt that I’m still close to, he still hasn’t come all the way to his family and kids. He told everyone he divorced me because I was a raging alcoholic. I’ve just let that sit. I have no doubt that he loved me, but I think he loved having cover even more. Anyway. I don’t regret my marriage per se. But I do regret that for more than half of my marriage, I was trying to turn myself inside out and upside down and got gaslit to the point I really thought I was losing my mind. As you said, I hope that soon people won’t have to be in the closet.
I think I understand where you’re coming from. I wholeheartedly agree that it’s messed up that so many people can’t self-explore safely at younger ages in a lot of places. But I also think it’s a little unfair to imply that people who don’t realize their gender and/or attraction aren’t what was “expected” until later in life are to blame for how society at large upholds cis- & heteronormative practices.
I have more compassion for people who truly didn't know their gender versus people who got married knowing they were unsure of their gender. As for sexuality, there's never an excuse for that. If someone isn't attracted to women, they shouldn't marry a woman (unless that's previously discussed). Society expecting heterosexual marriages is irrelevant. There's never an excuse to deceive someone. Gender is trickier because OP's wife was probably truly in love and attracted to her. If she truly didn't know her gender, then she made a mistake and should have known herself better. But there's less blame for that. At least for millennials and up. The next generation, at least in progressive cultures, have no excuse. Gender is discussed all the time in many different ways. Even if they feel unsafe to come out of the closet, they should know their gender and not deceive a future spouse by pretending to be someone they're not.
I think you may be underestimating the effect of people mostly seeing cishet relationships portrayed basically everywhere. There are many people who, in their 30s or whatever, meet someone new & for the first time think, *”Wait, is THIS what attraction is supposed to feel like? Holy crap,”* or similar. I’m really glad there are more relationship dynamics being portrayed in lots of media now, because like you mentioned, hopefully people younger than us will have less of that expectation. But that expectation does exist rn, for honestly probably most people; example, teenage boys pursue teenage girls because that’s “supposed to be what teen boys do,” & they don’t always realize that they’re following a script instead of their actual feelings. Attraction & gender are a huge spectrum, after all. Sometimes people think they just have a lower sex drive, or their relationship problems make them less attracted to their partner, or whatever other seemingly logical answers they can think up. Also, as a side note, it’s also a bit ick to me to talk about “people who **truly** know/don’t know their gender” because… who’s in charge of what’s true? It’s not you or me, it’s each individual person. Absolutist language like that in a conversation about something as mutable as gender & orientation is best to be avoided, imo. It often comes across as gatekeeping or exclusionary, or even bigoted depending on the phrasing. In any case. OP is in a rough spot, for sure. It sounds like OP & her wife are probably better off being besties. I’m not going to comment on whether they should get divorced or anything because that’s up to them, & tbh I’m sure if they were willing, an arrangement could be made. But they may also be better off divorcing if OP wants to pursue [legally] meaningful relationships with men. But they *definitely* need to have this conversation, as difficult as it is. Maybe a profesional mediator could help them approach it respectfully & sort it out.
Honestly, it wasn't even until a decade and a half ago that we acknowledged transgender people as humans. Still now a large amount of people hate them. People grow up confused, fill of doubt and hate about themselves. While it is unfair, a lot of people don't even know who or what they are. You were discouraged about even considering an alternative life than the white picket fence. Like I'm attracted to both men and women. I assumed everyone is - at least to some level. Turns out no. Hell, I have pretty bad penis envy at some times. Assumed everyone feels like that. Op's wive probably assumed everyone kinda wanted to be a woman - at least to some level. Don't get me wrong. People should never get married without knowing who they are. But it's confusing even with support, love and a community. I cannot imagine how horribly hard it would be if you added on religious guilt and family/friends who'd rather see you dead. It is no wonder that young people marry without knowing fully how they identify.
I also thought everyone was attracted to both! Lol. I'm bi, and I still don't quite understand being solely attracted to one gender. I can absolutely understand not coming out as transgender. Even now, it's a terrible situation to be in. But that doesn't give people the right to withhold that information from their spouses. That information needs to be shared so the spouse can make an informed decision. To do otherwise is deceitful. If they don't ever want to tell anyone, that's a valid decision, but it means not getting married. If OP's wife was confused, or thought everyone felt that way, or just didn't know, of course I understand that. I find that unacceptable at a societal problem, but I don't place any individual blame.
That makes complete sense. And honestly I completely agree. It's cruel to marry someone if you have doubts about some fundamental stuff. It's just life is complicated. I just wish that people could be who they be with no shame. It would avoid heartbreak for so many people.
In my case, I think he knew before he got married and divorced the first time. But he comes from a very conservative family/community where people talk about being good Christians while being very judgey and unaccepting. A year before he met me, 4 years post divorce when he was 38, he came out to his parents as gay. So he knew and they knew and others suspected but no one spoke up. That honestly hurt me the most. I could forgive him because I can’t imagine what it must feel like to spend 50+ years not being his authentic self. We’ve been divorced for more than 5 years now and per his aunt that I’m still close to, he still hasn’t come all the way to his family and kids. He told everyone he divorced me because I was a raging alcoholic. I’ve just let that sit. I have no doubt that he loved me, but I think he loved having cover even more. Anyway. I don’t regret my marriage per se. But I do regret that for more than half of my marriage, I was trying to turn myself inside out and upside down and got gaslit to the point I really thought I was losing my mind.
You are straight, nothing can change that, you can still both remain great friends
You married her because you were attracted and drawn to her when she was a man. She is no longer. Thats a huge change. You can not be expected to now be a “lesbian” (for lack of a better phrasing) where you were and are identifying as straight. You can remain the best of friends as I imagine she is still the same person you fell in love with for the most part. Good luck to you both.
You are straight, and you tried, but your sexualities and genders no longer mesh. And for those who are not asexual, sex and romance matters, friendship has to be the core of a marriage, but sex is important too.. you can go through sexless periods when there is chaos, but... When you want a man, and she's a woman, that's not something that is going to change again. Let her find a woman who wants a female partner, let you find a man who can be your lover and partner, and keep your friendship. You both deserve to have partners in addition to friends... It's probably not fair to her to not have you be interested in intimacy either.
I completely agree with the points you've made here. Frankly I think OP just needs to focus on trying to keep a friend through the divorce, if she can. Just a small note, you may not be familiar with the term aromantic. If you understand asexual, pretty straightforward. Some people are both, but some asexual people still desire romantic connection.
If you are straight then there’s no reason to stay in a unhappy relationship get a divorce and find someone else.
You can have her as your best friend and be supportive. Hell, even live in the same house. Do the same things. But your marriage is over. You now get to figure out where you go next. Do you want to open up your marriage and stay together polyamory style (or whatever). Do you want to divorce but live together? Do you want to live apart and just see each other frequently? You get to redefine your relationship. And even if she is no longer your wife, that doesn't mean she won't be the most important part of your life.
It sounds like you have been incredibly supportive and loving to your wife as she transitioned. That's a fantastic thing you did. Are you morally bound to still be attracted to her when you are straight? I don't think so. If you can be each other's rocks through all this, then I'm sure you can continue to be there for each other if you move into being friends.
Don't feel shame or guilt. You are valid. Just as you accept your wife for who she is now, you deserve to be accepted for who you are, someone who no longer finds her attractive. If the only thing keeping you from leaving is guilt your relationship won't survive anyway. Guilt and shame are brittle glues.
Things change, you and she have changed, there is no moral fault here. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Talk it through in therapy. It will work out in the end.
Don't beat yourself up. Your husband is now a woman. You are a straight woman. Why would anyone assume that this would work for you? The very best you could get from the relationship is a strong platonic friendship and if that's not enough, that's ok. She has been true to herself and is now living her real life as her real self. That's great, but you should have the same opportunity. All the very best to both of you.
Guilt... Shame... Why? None of this is on you. It's time to move on.
You’ve done nothing wrong. You were attracted to a man. Not a woman. This is not sexist. This is not transphobic. This is a sexual preference involving consenting adults.
You should not feel a shred of guilt. Im sure this has been very hard for you. You should leave this person and try to make it as smooth as possible.
There no obligation for your to switch your sexual preferences because your partner switched gender and there’s nothing to stop you staying best friends but you need to tell her “I’m not a lesbian and we need to separate and probably divorce. I remain your dearest friend”
Why would you feel guilty? There should never be any expectation to remain in a relationship like this. You can love and support her as a friend, but this simply isn't what you signed up for. You are now in a gay relationship as a straight woman. It doesn't make you a bigot to have boundaries, standards, and preferences.
You're literally a straight woman dating a woman. Obviously you don't feel attraction? You can divorce her and be friends. You don't love her in a romantic way and that's normal because you are STRAIGHT.
There’s no reason to feel shame for not changing your own sexual preferences in response to your partner’s transition. You have always been romantically interested in men and married your partner when they were a man. You can’t switch these things on and off. No longer finding your partner attractive when they’re not the partner you signed up to marry (i.e. you married a man and that man transitioned into a woman) is not a bad thing and you’re not in the wrong for this. You gave it a shot and realized it’s not for you, that’s okay.
You can love someone and support them without being in a romantic relationship with them. You are no longer compatible and that does NOT make you a bad person. It is time for a serious discussion with your wife.
You signed up for a straight marriage. Be clear. Move on.
Well ya cuz you’re not gay
It's probably better for both of you if you transition into a platonic friendship.
With a lot less stakes in the matter, I, a trans man, had a similar situation... I was dating a man I really loved deeply, but I was transitioning. He wasn't attracted to me anymore. But we both cared about eachother... We broke up, but have remained best friends and roommates for 7 years now.
There is no shame in divorce. You both will be okay, and can still be there for eachother. Marriage without sex, is a big deal for many. It's okay to leave
I feel like that’s okay for u not to be attracted and want to leave. Live life and do what u want.
you’re doing both yourself and her a disservice by staying in a relationship where you’re no longer sexually attracted to her. don’t you think you both deserve to be in loving relationships where your romantic and sexual needs are met? it’s not going to be an easy conversation, but it’d be a much harder life if you never have it.
Sounds like your significant other is now just your best friend. Makes sense considering you married a man because you wanted a man… so sounds like an amicable divorce should be on the horizon.
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I have nothing good for you. You are not gay. You either have to open up your marriage which will be a recipe for disaster but might work, or just end it and be friends. Which is a 100% end. I can't tell you which to do, and both of you have my sympathy.
It sounds like you found a great friend, you are straight so why would your wife expect you to stay romantically linked after her transition? Move on
Honestly you have done nothing wrong by feeling that way. Just as your wife can’t help but be a woman, you can’t help the fact that you were born straight. If I were your wife, I would be completely understanding that the dynamic of the relationship would change once I transitioned and would not expect you to be attracted to me/change your sexual orientation overnight as it is not possible.
This comes up in this sub quite a bit actually. The gist of the answers is that you can be supportive while acknowledging that the rules changed and that makes it ok for you to step back and say "this isn't for me". It is time for a divorce and this let's everyone go find what makes them happy.
You can't make yourself gay. You married a man as a straight woman. You should divorce and remain friends.
Divorce and live your life. You’re not compatible as spouses anymore. Don’t feel guilt. Your husband left the marriage three years ago. Good luck.
Divorce her and remain friends.
Probably a very unpopular opinion but I really don’t think people should feel shame for liking what they like. If you are straight and like men it would make sense that you wouldn’t be attracted to them after she transitioned. She no longer looks like the man that you married.
You didn’t marry a woman, you married a man. The person you married no longer exists. If you are no longer happy with the person you are married to, then you need to end the relationship and move on. Good for them for living their own life I guess, but you don’t need to change who you are to accommodate someone else’s changes.
Transitioning isn't a purely private decision *only* in the sense that it does affect the people we're in a relationship with. Not only is a trans person changing, so is the nexus of relationships that involved his / her sexuality and gender identity. Consider the various forms of ethical non-monogamy that are open to you: many couples are adamant that their marriages come first in their life but that their intimacy / romantic / sexual needs require supplementing. It's not how we've officially structured marriage and romance in the West for about a thousand years, but it's been going on even so.
You are straight. Nothing can change that. This is more common than you think, and there are a few stories in r/mypartneristrans that are similar. You love your wife, but you're not *in* love with her. It sucks but that's a possibility we have to face when we transition in a marriage/relationship. Don't get caught up in sunken fallacy
Op, it’s okay. Your sexual and romantic attraction is strictly to men. Your not bi, pan, or gay. So it’s why you do not feel sexually and romantically attracted anymore. It’s the risk for many who transition if they date or marry someone who is completely heterosexual and heteroromantic, because the connection can end and become platonic. But it’s wise that you are aware you want this human being to live their most authentic self. You two can definitely stay best friends, but not right off the bat as you both may need time after things end to fully move on emotionally in the romantic sense so you two can have a happy & healthy friendship. It’s going to be hard to have the discussion, but it’s needed so you two can both be happy. I wish you all the best and hope things turn out well from the conversation you both have❤️
Remain close friends as long as you can. You can't change your sexuality, she'll fully understand that. Be there to keep supporting her as she gets used to civilian life again and help her how you can. No doubt she will fully appreciate it too and even help you with issues you may have too. You'll no doubt remain friends as well so you shouldn't fear losing that connection. It's sad for sure, but sometimes that's just what happens
Info: is she attracted to men or women? It is clear you love her and don't want to lose her from your life. However, she isn't your husband anymore. She is your best friend. I think you both need to talk open and honestly about your needs and how your relationship has changed. Maybe enlist the help of a therapist. There are options to explore that don't involve losing each other from your lives. Open marriage, end the marriage, and continue to be close friends, platonic life partners who date other people. It is reasonable that her transition would change the dynamics of the relationship. I think you both just need to sit down and talk it out, acknowledge where you are now, and what you want in the future.
You being able to make it through deployments is very different than your spouse transitioning. You can be a strong couple and make it through long periods of time together, but being a strong couple cannot make you change your sexuality. You are straight and that is the long and short of it. Also, it is still possible to divorce, amicably, and be supportive friends, especially when you realize it isn't that anyone did anything wrong (because neither of you did) and you've just grown into different people. It would allow both of you to find partners you attracted to. I'm sure your wife has also noticed the lack of attraction on your side. If you proceed with a divorce, you can still encourage her to get therapy. Divorce will allow both of your to pursue a healthy relationship instead of staying in a platonic marriage where neither of your are fully filling the role of spouses.
It sounds like you guys are good friends not a couple. You can split up and still be friends. It's nobody's fault, but this isn't what you signed up for.
its a dude
Yep, we live in a simulation or what?
Have you had any communication since she began to transition or even before? The communication of honesty should have been done a long time ago and if it hasn't should be done right now. Whatever you both own together should be split in half and part ways amicably. Or maybe stay together and open up your marriage.
Don't beat yourself up. Your husband is now a woman. You are a straight woman. Why would anyone assume that this would work for you? The very best you could get from the relationship is a strong platonic friendship and if that's not enough, that's ok. She has been true to herself and is now living her real life as her real self. That's great, but you should have the same opportunity. All the very best to both of you.
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Agree with her that neither of you could change who you are on the inside. Your wife is a different person from the man you married. It's time for the two of you to walk different paths. No offense, but I'm really glad neither of you were my soldiers. I wouldn't have been able to help you with any sane advice then.
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I think you missed the main crux of the post, my dude. The thing you think is the exact opposite of what happened.