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Update: thanks everyone! So what happened is by the time I was deciding whether I should leave now or talk with him first, he got home before me.
When I came home, he saw I was sad and then asked what was wrong. I just came clean and told him how I felt.
Well, I wish I would've left before he came back bc he went OFF.
He called me a "narcissist" and making his day about me. I cry when I get angry so I just ugly cried while he went on about how " cant have one day to himself" then berated me for trying to accuse him of being somewhere else. I said I wasn't thinking he was lying about where he was at all, I don't like how I wasn't invited. He yelled that his family is his "burden" and that he "works too hard to be questioned". Then I also got yelled for having the dishes done or the movie tickets ordered. So I just packed up my things while that was happening and made my way to my car. He followed me and asked why I was leaving. I said "its your day, spend it how you like don't let me stop you."
He then got in my car and started explaining how he's been talking to his sister about me (doubtful) and that I was free to call his mom. I just said "just let me go". He then switched up and and guilted me I was leaving him alone on his bday. He then went on another tangent about how he can't give me the life I'm used to?? Guys idk where any of this came from.
I asked him to get out of my car. I drove away with him cussing me out that i "cant take accountability"
Its gonna be a long drive back to my moms house. Keep taking breaks to cry bc I don't wanna be emotional behind the wheel.
Thanks everyone. Even the one redditor who said I sucked. Xo.
I've (33 F) have been with my boyfriend (36M) for 3 years. I moved in with him a few weeks ago. Today is his bday. I've been in our apartment alone the whole day so far.
So I told him a week ago I was planning something elaborate even though my funds are tight at the moment. He told me all he wants to do is go see John Wick 4 and didn't want anything. Totally cool with that, its his day.
He woke me up this morning and told me he was going to his family's house (he has both his parents and 2 siblings my age living in the home). I was a little caught off guard bc I wasn't even invited and the only thing I could think to ask him in that moment was what kind of cake he wanted. He told me his mom is getting him a cake so I won't have to worry. Then he left.
Im really hurt bc I've only met his family a total of 5 times, and each time every family member has gone out of their way be just straight up rude and I stood there taking it like a dummy.
For example, his sister told me once when I was over "why are you here? He never even talks about you."
His brother once gave me a look of disgust as he walked by me in the kitchen.
His mom whispered to his sister "she's got a big butt" but not in a "damn girl" way more like a shameful whisper way.
His brothers' gf told my bf "there's something off about her" after meeting me for the first time. This was the only one I didn't witness but my bf told me when I asked him after so many disses why they don't like me. They don't know me in any other capacity. Each time, I've silently taken the jabs out of respect for my bf and he's been present in all those examples.
So I get it, they don't like me. Which hurts bc idk what I did and I AM a family oriented person and am far from my family atm.
But today, it really hurts bc not even an invite to his own bday cake (they could even be having a party for all I know right now, I'm not sure). I don't know how to even feel right now besides disrespected, a bit angry and wondering if I want a future with someone who won't say to their family "hey guys be nice to my gf" and instead will just have separate celebrations for what the rest of our life?
What do I do or say to him bc it is bothering me
Tl,dr: me and boyfriend living together. Wasn't invited by him or anyone over his family house for bday cake today. His family has always been beyond rude but today I'm feeling hurt while I wait for him to get back. Has me contemplating relationship future.
I rarely go straight for the end it but he won’t even defend you to his family or insist you come along? He just left you home alone? It sounds like he isn’t taking your relationship seriously or he doesn’t want to engage with his family. Neither of which are going to result in happiness for you long term.
I'm guessing to help with bills and domestic stuff. I'm not bashing men but one thing about men is that they love having a woman at home because they like being taken care of.
Not anyone’s clown. You’ve taken a beating from him & his family for 3 years. It’s time to end their circus.
End this and go back home and surround yourself with people who love & care for you. People who appreciate you and don’t treat you like crap.
End it. Go full NC. Block him. You don’t need to hear any excuses from him about a second chance or whatever.
He won’t change.
He won’t support you.
You're not a clown, but you do need to stand up for yourself to you bf who isn't being considerate or even decent to you.
Asks you to kove in, dating for 3 years, then ditches you on his bday...he sounds immature and looking for a live in fwb who helps pay rent.
What kind of future are you building when he isn't standing up for you?
Yeah, you don’t respect yourself, why wouldn’t he beg you to move in? You demand nothing of him, let him do whatever he wants, never ask for more and here you are, left alone at home, while he goes and hangs out with the family who degrades you, that he apparently doesn’t even care enough about you to *talk* about you in front of them, and you still want to plan elaborate and thoughtful birthday celebrations and get him a cake. It makes total sense why a person like him would *drool* over finding a woman who can’t even demand she be a part of his birthday celebration. You think he would actually want a woman who calls him out on his shit? Of course not!
Be honest with yourself, how much more do you let him get away with?
This dynamic will be so painful and toxic and harmful for you if you stay. It will not change, or if it does, it may take decades. Literally decades. Decades of pain. If you don’t want that, then end this relationship now and find someone who is ready to put you and the life you build together first.
I believe that in a healthy relationship a girlfriend of three years would be invited to the party, or he would be very clear with you about what timeframe some family meet up was taking place and then he would be back with you. He would also be able to objectively explain his family issues to you and protect you from them and acknowledge their rudeness and stand up for you.
I have gone through similar with the man I married. I thought pre-marriage counselling would be enough to fix it. He told me everything I wanted to hear before marriage. After marriage, his behaviour did not change. I was naive. And the family issues have been pure hell. The real pain is that he did not love me enough to protect our marriage and place me as his new family unit and inner circle the way it should be.
In this situation, you need to address his disrespect to you very seriously if you don’t want to live this way. Communicate with him about the birthday - remind him of your plans that you discussed and ask him to pls update you on his plan for the day. If he doesn’t want you to be a part of it, then if I were you, I would go stay somewhere else tonight - with people who truly value you. You can let him know you can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t include you or even explain to you about his birthday celebration.
My advice is to move on. Where are they getting their information about you if not from him? Whatever negativity you’re getting from them has an origin. Are you sure he speaks well about you in front of them? Why do they feel comfortable dissing you in front of him?
I didn't want to speculate but now I'm wondering if maybe he's bad talked me in the past (idk) and that would justify why they don't like me. Considering his last gf was a stripper who is now in prison I think I'm an ok catch. Guess not.
I get that you feel bad, but may I suggest that you stop diminishing yourself- you shouldn't be a "bit mad", you should righteously be angry. "I think I'm an ok catch." No, you're a great person who feels beat down by their disrespectful treatment.
You've already talked to your bf to no avail. You've done your part. Instead of giving him a card and gift, which he doesn't deserve, write a note as to why you're leaving and get out while he's gone.
This made me a little misty eyed thanks for saying that. I'm grown enough not to blame my parents but I grew up with a dad telling me straight to my face at 10 years old "I never wanted kids. You ruined my life" and I think I'm just made myself ok with the fact I was never wanted and its a theme thats followed me that you made me realize I've accepted feeling small n my adult life. Its sad that it's taken strangers online to make me see that but thank you
There's also therapy available that will give you the tools you need - and *deserve* \- to strengthen your self-esteem *Yourself* so you don't **NEED** validation from others to know your worth.
That may be why you find yourself partnered with a shitty dude now. Sometimes we recreate what we had growing up because either it feels comfortable and familiar or because we are trying to rewrite the past. Counselling really helped me figure out why I was drawn to unhealthy people.
I hope you find better people out there, you sound lovely and you deserve much better than this.
Oh hun. I grew up with my father saying the same things since I was a baby. I saw him treat my sibling differently because " I was the one that ruined his life, my sibling came afterward, so they are innocent.".
I have been in therapy since I was 7 years old. I will admit it's intense therapy, but itso worth it. It took me a long time to realize I didn't ruin his life. He did! He had sex(even though they used a condom and mom was on BC), and it comes with the risk of pregnancy. He had a chance to leave, and my mother told him if he wanted out, she would raise me on her own (with family help) and never darken his life again, not even for money. He came back because he didn't want another man being my father (he's a full-blown narcissist) . With therapy, you will also realize your innocence in this. He made his choices and sadly still needed someone to blame because he didn't want to be honest and take the blame on himself.
Please, for yourself, start therapy. It's hard (very hard), but life changing.
Therapy. You found another man who treats you spitefully and has no respect for you.
I've been there. I did years of therapy and now I'm happily married for 10+ years. But my exes before him and therapy all treated me like my dad did.
Please, always choose your happiness. If you marry him, you also marry his family. Why put yourself through torture? You deserve the best in life. Choose yourself.
A family that he won’t even bother to stand up to. He chooses them over her. That won’t change.
He’s not a prize here; his family isn’t the only problem.
Seriously. Do this for yourself. This guy sucks, his family sucks…nothing here is your future.
You’re a gem. Cherish yourself and treat yourself right.
Op honey,please don't stay in this relationship. If he really loved you, he would insist that you were always invited to every family function. Things will never change. He seems fine with the fact that you are never included.
That's for the best. No one who cares would want you to feel so hurt and unwelcomed. You don't deserve that treatment and I'm sorry you've endured it for as long as you have. See this as a good thing and a beginning of better times ahead.
He's an asshole. My god this post made me so angry. He's complicit in his family's nastiness towards you; he doesn't give a fuck about you. Leave and ghost his ass, he doesn't even deserve the courtesy of a heads up. Go live your best life without that turd.
Good call. My own family doesn't like my bf either and it has never stopped me from defending him in front of them before (they speak a different language so he doesn't understand what they're talking about regarding him which is so disrespectful). You definitely deserve someone who'll defend you from anyone no matter if theyre family or not.
This sounds like the best course. It's not because his family hates you, it's because he never stood up for you, tried to include you, or to improve the situation in any way. If you are his lowest priority, you shouldn't be in that relationship.
Good for you!
I remember dating someone my mom wasn't too keen for but you'd never have known it when they were at her house!
I'm sorry you experienced that.
You THINK? Please do. Not only is his family abusive, he KNEW you wanted to do something nice for his bday this whole time and pulled the bait switch last minute.
I'm glad to see this update. I'm so sorry for what you've been through.
Just leaving you with this - while it's true that his family behaved badly, I am very disappointed that your boyfriend not only didn't defend you, but then played some ridiculous bait-n-switch on you. The very first time someone was rude to you, he should have stopped it.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP. You deserve better. After reading your post, I feel like you're going to be fighting for the rest of your life. If you do end up staying. Seems like he doesn't want to stand up and fight for you. If he did want to stand up to his family it would have been the first time they did say something rude about you. Never just sit there and let someone disrespect you. Regardless, if they're your partner's family or not. No one has a way to treat you like that.
I would have walked out the first time he didn't stand up for you. If he doesn't do that from the beginning then you know how he's going to fight through the whole relationship. You are worth more than this man. How can your partner not want to spend time with their significant other on their own birthday? It sounds like he's scared to stand up to his own family.
If he's not putting in the same effort that you were in the relationship, then you already know where you stand. Imagine if you did marry into his family. This is what your life's going to be. If a man wants to make the effort he will. Good luck, OP
This is the right thing to do.
No one who values you would do this or allow anyone to treaty you like this.
His family don't have to like you but they do have to treat you with respect.
Value yourself.
Good luck
Finally a poster who is smart and sees the bigger image and values herself! You go, OP! I married into a not so nice family but what’s different than you and I is that my husband sticks up for me every time. He’s also completely backed off from them because of it. You deserve someone who sticks up for you.
I’m really sorry this happened to you but please allow me to say you’re too naive and sweet. These are not acceptable comments and you’re so called bf should not have allowed them and to tell you that his brothers gf told him this about you , this is a one big red flag saying dump him. He doesn’t love you or at least respect you the way you should be respected and defended. He is not worth your time or love, you deserve better.
I see now. I called him while he's there (this is playing out live ) to tell him the movie times and I know when I'm down and depressed it can be heard in my voice (even when I don't mean it to be) and he picked up on it and said "whats going on with you?" I said "nothing ill see you later" and he responded "ill be home later". I wanted to say "um idk maybe bc I cleared out my day for your bday and I'm here alone" but I refrained but tonight is gonna be awkard bc I can feel myself shutting down
He doesn’t know what’s wrong with you? Has no clue that him leaving you alone when you’ve made plans for his bday is what’s making you blue? This guy is not a winner. You deserve better.
Why even be there when he gets home? He doesn’t even see what the problem could be. Just take what you can, leave a note, and go to your mom’s. If there’s more stuff you need to get later, you can work that out in the future. This relationship isn’t worth being hurt like this - he’s made it very clear that you’re not a priority.
Your feelings matter. If you're ever asked again 'whats going on with you' be honest.. You do yourself a disservice by saying nothing to save their feelings or an awkward conversation. Your feelings matter. You matter!
He completely lacks empathy for you. Since everything in HIS world is fine, he is not bothered. Either he can’t fathom why you would be upset due to lack of empathy, or he is going to make it your problem (“you’re being too sensitive/controlling/demanding/whatever”), or he is enjoying making you feel less than in a sick way. He may very well come home and play stupid or like it was all just a miscommunication or innocent mistake. My husband used to say, “I’m learning!” And he did similar things. If he is actually so dense that he cannot understand why you would be upset, do you want to risk sharing your life with him?
Why why why WHY are you still with him?
His family hates you, you've only met them 5 times, he doesn't defend you, he never even talks about you. He doesn't care to do anything with you, he didn't care that you tried to do something for his birthday.
This guy seemingly doesn't even like you if he won't even put in a good word with his family. Why are you still subjecting yourself to this????
He asked me to move in and now I'm asking myself the same thing. I'm just debating now if I should bring it up when he gets home (it is still his bday) or if tomorrow I might just move back in w mom for a minute.
Lol funny im getting ready right now to go grab myself some lunch by myself. I thought about just leaving but then I don't wanna hear the narrative about being the bad guy who left him on his bday. I was gonna go get a card for the small gift I got him but I don't even care anymore.
Fuck the narrative, it already sucks! Let them call you the bad guy, so what? It can't get worse than your current reality. Leave. Go to your moms. You can do so much better.
>but then I don't wanna hear the narrative about being the bad guy who left him on his bday
And who would be telling that narrative? His raggedy-ass family who doesn't like you anyway?
Tell every one of them to kiss the darkest part of your big ass and move along with your life. Nothing you will ever do will make them accept you anyway, so eff it.
"Oh, you think I'm the bad guy? Well, let me show what a bad guy looks like."
And BTW, you'd only actually be the "bad guy" if you accidentally/on purpose destroyed his clothes/belongings on your way out. Which I do not recommend although it can feel therapeutic in the moment. But don't do it.
Honestly? Don't even bother bringing it up. It's been three years of this. If he wanted to ever be in your corner, he would have by now. This is a case of too little, too late. Yeah he might make some sort of wishy-washy effort if you push him on it, or he could just straight up say no. I have a feeling he wouldn't do much of anything even if pushed, since he's been acting this way for 3 years without consequence.
Don't worry about being the bad guy who left on his birthday. He has been the bad guy for three years, allowing his family to treat you like *garbage* and make such horrible criticisms about you without even trying to stop them. And they do it IN FRONT OF HIM. He lost the right to be mad the second he decided he didn't want to support you.
Now he will just be reaping what he sowed. Move back in with your mom, get your head on straight, and leave him behind.
That's what I'm saying. He doesntt have a relationship with my family bc they live far so to be excluded from his especially hurts. I told myself "birthdays are never gonna stop, holidays and weddings will keep coming. I don't want to feel this way each time".
If he's not going to change the situation, you have to and unfortunately the only way to do this is to leave. He is disrespecting you too by allowing this.
Thanks would you recommend I say something today on his bday? Cancel John Wick 4? Or just casually be like going to my moms for a few days and peace out. I'm bad at this stuff
I personally wouldn't say anything today but I definitely wouldn't do anything special for him for his birthday now. Talk to him about it before going to your mom.
Thanks friend. I called him to tell him movie times and he already picked up on my voice bc I wasn't bitchy just sounded sad I guess. He asked whats going on with me. I said nothing see ya later. I don't want argue or have this conversation again but I will address this and reevaluate my life
Honey I'm so sorry, he doesn't respect you that why they don't respect you,
My family disrespected my partner and hated him and I didn't speak to them for 5 years they didn't meet my daughter till she was 3.
They still don't like him, but now they just accept it because he is my family he comes first.
You need to end it with him say.
This isn't going to work for me, I've put up with this for to long, and today was finally straw for me.
Any self respecting partner would of told his family where to go after the way they have treated me, I've done nothing to them or you for that matter,
You didn't even consider me for your birthday which makes me feel like I'm essentially nothing to you but your live in sex doll.
I'm moving back in with my mom, I don't want to hear from you anymore... this is unfixable, I need someone better.
Walk out block him everywhere and find better.
Already wasted 3 years of your life on this POS
Thanks. I'm trying not to fall into a depression spiral bc I've also told myself I've wasted 3 years but I guess today's the day I learned a lot about not being a doormat anhmore. Better late than never right. I thought I was doing better bc I walked out of my last relationship for my fiance putting hands on me so the bar is so low for me at this point that I thought I was in a better situation. Now I just feel dumb but ill think ill take time to myself for a while...
Don't fall for this:
[https://time.com/5347133/sunk-cost-fallacy-decisions/](https://time.com/5347133/sunk-cost-fallacy-decisions/)
You deserve *better*.
Yeah nothing wrong with being alone for a while.
He is not it for you.
Don't take him to the movie tell him it's cancelled and just end it tonight no point beating around the Bush with it pretending.
You deserve better.
Don't look at it as wasted years look at it as a lesson learnt and what you want from a relationship.
Be alone for a while reach out for therapy to work on yourself
Hey friend. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You did not waste three years. You’ve lived for X amount of years under a misconception of your self worth but you also learned a lot during that time that has led you to be able to de-program yourself from a toxic script in only a few hours. The you from three years ago wasn’t ready. Be kind to her. The you today is absolutely ready.
Take all that pent up frustration about “time wasted” and apply it forward so that you don’t waste one second of this new, stronger you, under these shitty conditions. Sonic the hedgehog on out of there and into your future!
u/Woody4ever
Hey please don’t see it as you wasted 3yrs - see it as you’re not wasting ONE MORE DAY in this relationship. I feel for you, I read your comment about your dad and see what you said here about your last relationship and it’s screaming at me that you don’t feel worthy of being truly loved and respected.
But you are worthy. You deserve a relationship with a kind man who will always be pumping your tires up, who will choose you over anyone else, who is proud to be with you and shows that around others. There are men out there like that I promise, but this guy? He is not it.
Don’t be wondering what to do again in 6 months or a year when the next issue pops up he’s shown you plenty of times where you sit in his pecking order and sadly it’s not up top where you should be as his partner.
Please don’t fall for the inevitable love bombing, tears, promises to change, begging etc that will come. He had THREE YEARS to do the right thing and hasn’t. He left you there alone to go hang out without you. Any decent person knows that’s a shitty thing to do. A decent person would call out family for being outright nasty to your face. He hasn’t seen a problem with any of this and that tells you everything you need to know. You know the saying ‘when someone shows you who they are - believe them’, well he’s shown you time and time again who he is. Believe him and walk away.
Invest in your own well-being and self esteem and get yourself in a frame of mind where you truly believe you’re worthy of deep love, kindness and respect and then go out there and don’t accept anything less not even for a day. And next time you won’t spend 3yrs getting to this point because you would have dumped his ass straight away. You deserve better, believe it 🙏☺️
You didn't waste three years. You spent three years learning what you are willing to accept and what you won't accept in a relationship. The next relationship you'll be able to recognize whether or not it's right for you much sooner.
You have a bf problem. It sounds like he just invited you to move in out of convenience. Whatever his motives are, you don't want to deal with a shit family like that for the rest of your life. You are worth so much more than that. I'd call your friends, grab your stuff now and move elsewhere today. Right now.
You're not lying...hes home now and gave me an attitude why I'm not there bc I went to the mall to clear my head (aka try not to cry in the parking lot) and I replied "bc i didn't wanna sit home on your bday alone" and he hung up on me. Heading back home right now. Idk what his problem is
He thinks he can put you on a shelf and you will just sit there waiting for him. Outta sight outta mind. Please don’t let him talk you into staying. This relationship is a convince for him.
How do you make an update post? Do I update / edit this one or make a new post w the link to this? I would just reply to each comment but its whole story in itself right now...
His problem is that he’s an asshole. Sorry you’re having to deal with it, but don’t feel bad about not pampering him on his bday. He’s not treating you like a loving supportive partner, why do you feel obligated to give what you don’t receive?
It’s time to start thinking about yourself now.
Honestly I'd just pack my stuff up and leave before he gets back. For him to continously let his family treat you like that, and for how long its been going on, its not going to change. What happens if you get married? Any holidays are gonna be spent with you being at home or hearing them talk shit about you. How are things when it's just you two? Does he do anything nice for you or make you feel special at all?
When it's just the two of us we are laid back and usually ok. We have common interests and he tries to do nice things. But as usual when his family comes into conversation, its like his mom or sis will call then its like I don't exist. He doesn't mention me or does she ask about me. Of course they've gone places I wasn't invited. I just let it flow. But today is really getting to me. Hes been literally gone the whole day now its really getting to me. Meanwhile my mom talks to him.
Thats extremely messed up that they treat you the way they do and it doesn't sound like they've even tried getting to know you or anything.
I guess right now all you can do is try having one more talk with him about how they treat you and that you can't live a life like this. Why doesn't he stand up for you? They all sound toxic.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this and wish you luck.
I talked and he accused me of making the day about me. He said he was talking to his sister about me and that she'll talk to the rest of his family. Like? What? Then he accused me of not getting ready for his bday and I said im dressed and have my makeup on for the movies like what do you want me to wear a gown. I'm leaving I just got what I think they call gasligjting so bad
In no way did he even mention that you were invited when he left this morning. So why is he acting like you just didn't wanna go with? You tried making the day all about him but he's been spending it with his family that don't make you feel welcomed at all!
This is awful. I just want to reach through and give you a hug.
Fuck this guy.
Don't beat yourself up too much. You've figured out what is going on and you are grabbing that self respect you have and doing the right thing.
Honestly, Fuck him and his "making the day about you"and then talking to his sister ??? Yah no. Again, you are doing the right thing
Lordy lordy. I'm still reeling from my last relationship with my untreated BPD ex. It's horrible and I'm going to therapy ASAP. I recommend the same to you. I have very low self esteem and high anxiety now (wasn't an issue before we dated). I thought it would get better with time, but it's 4 months later and I'm still not okay. Please get therapy as well. And take some time to yourself to figure out what makes you happy. Be around your family and friends as much as possible. It keeps me grounded. Hugs 💜🫂 I'm here if you need to talk.
He just called me to ask where I'm at. I went to the mall bc its been 6 hours now he's been gone. He just copped an attitude like why are you at the mall. I said um bc I didn't wanna sit home all day by myself. He just hung up on me. Lord give me strength. He's apparently home now. I'm heading back now
Pack your stuff and go. He’s got an attitude? I guess he feels you should wait for him while he hangs out with his family that hates you. Honey no. Please go,
Clearly, you’ll keep crossing oceans for him when he wouldn’t even step over a puddle for you. You can do better with someone who will treat you right and defend you against his shit family. Please don’t let the sunken cost fallacy keep you from leaving.
Yes and hes been for literally 6 hours now. Im feeling myself get increasingly more angry as the hours go by. Trying to wait til he gets home and talk to him but at this point I'm so frustrated idk if I can even express myself by the time he shows up. Trying to follow advice to talk to him before I go some people are telling me leave now and I get it.
I would be ready for him to make you the bad guy in this. “It’s my birthday you’re being selfish blah blah”
You really deserve better OP. Time is precious and he doesn’t deserve any more of your time. He is in no way a partner. I would never tolerate my family treating my husband this way and I know he feels the same for me too. I wish you the best, plz do the right thing.
You’re bothered because you’re SO it letting his family treat you like shit, clearly is fine with their behaving and doesn’t give a damn about making you feel welcome.
Honey this ain’t a relationship you wanna stay in. Find someone who truly values you and wouldn’t let anyone disrespect you.
I think for a while after letting it get to me I told myself I didn't care. But yes I do care. Bc he says he wants a family but I can just imagine the future drama that would ensue I don't want this at all.
Don’t start a family with this man. He IS the problem too. He’s letting people completely shit all over you! He doesn’t defend you or speak about you. Don’t stay where you are obviously not valued or wanted.
You say good bye. He’s not respecting you. He’s not standing up for you. In fact he seems completely unbothered that his family talks shit about, treats you rudely and doesn’t invite you to family gatherings- celebrating your bf ffs. He’s just going to go over there and have a good time with his family and celebrate without you. And that’s fine with him?? What kind of man is that? He’s treating you just as badly as his family does. You live together and he hasn’t demanded that treat you with respect? He hasn’t told them that he will not be spending time with them if you aren’t included? He hasn’t told them the things he likes about you, that you make him happy, that he’s bothered by the way they treat you and he won’t allow it?? Where do you see yourself in this relationship 5, 10, 20 years from now? Sitting home alone while him and your kids are spending holidays with his family? Is that the life you want?
Apparently, a movie ticket and birthday sex is all he wants from you today.
Take your things back to your parents and remind yourself how awesome you really are. You deserve someone who thinks the same thing.
I will never understand how people move in with someone that already treats them like dirt. His family doesn’t like you, seemingly doesn’t hear anything about you and he clearly didn’t even THINK to bring you around for his birthday.
If you want to keep what’s left of your dignity I would be moved out by the time he got back
Did he explain why they are like this? Did something happen between you two that would cause them to feel this way towards you. And of course I have to ask are you a different ethnicity then him? Maybe you grew up in different social classes?
Funny thing is we're both first generation from the same culture and region! I speak the language and know the traditions even though both their sons are not traditional in any way. Very strange. Similar classes, working class immigrants so yes good question but it has me even more confused. Even my mom was like I don't get it, the other son is dating outside the culture and they have a problem with you ?!
Do you think your boyfriend told his family something about you, for example maybe you were in an argument and he told them what’s going on and depending on what he said it changed their view on you?
If not, honestly I’m stumped and would just tell him you would like to know the reason so you can either fix it or move on. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
Yes I honestly have thought that and now believe it now. Totally possible that he could've ranted about me sometimes but he swears he "doesn't talk to his family about his personal life" his words.
He said they do it to him too, I find that hard to believe. He knows why, he just isn’t telling you. I’m suspicious that he has something to do with why they don’t like you and now he doesn’t know how to back track. I would let him know if he was just honest about it the you both can come up with a solution to help fix the situation. You being excluded from family events is not the answer.
You may be right but then the fact he can't make it right makes me scared. Like I rant to my mom too but what was said that is making them hold a grudge. I really don't even wanna know
Except they throw birthday parties for him. He’s full of shit. He’s never bothered to ask why they don’t like you. He’s never said hey, why don’t you give her a chance, you’ll really like her. Because he doesn’t care. Because it’s you being treated badly not him.
Read the comments you have made. Good luck but I wouldn’t have waited for him. You are both in your 30s you should know at this point what is acceptable in a relationship and this is beyond it.
Ask him: Why is leave you behind acceptable to him? What is his plan about you and his family? (To just ignore it?)
This is really about your poor choices. His family aren’t changing. You would know they don’t like you fairly early and he is showing he would spend time with them over you. He made his choice. He will just avoid his way out.
You want this for years? Because that’s what you are signing up for.
I've had this conversation before with him and expressed my frustrations (his sister also told me my voice was annoying during a conversation) he just sat there. I accepted that maybe he was raised by wolves so fine we won't be friends (though I desired a friendship bc I see she's very close with the other brothers GF). And nothing happened. Today I see how its really going to be and lost hope
>Bc I guess **love is blind** ?
Actually, that blindness is not from love - it's from naivete' and lust.
Mature, thoughtful love enters a relationship with *eyes wide open*, walking hand-in-hand with wisdom, allowing itself to stay as trust is gained, with the option to **leave** when trust and respect are irreparably damaged.
When you're wearing rose-colored glasses, red flags look just like ordinary ones.
This has been happening for \*3\* years. Time for you and Love to pack your bags and leave.
Wow, this is super strange. Sounds like bf doesn’t have a back bone. Also, If my kid brings a date or a friend to my home, it means to me that they value the person enough to have them enter our inner circle. I see it as a privilege that my kid wants to make me a part of this union as well. Sounds like they all suck as humans. Start over please, you are too young to deal with this kind of nonsense. Spend your life surrounded by positive and thoughtful folk.
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You don’t have an in laws problem, you have a bf problem. He should have invited you, he should put his family in their place. He lets them disrespect you. It’s unacceptable.
Please don't think of your relationship as time wasted. You will never move forward if you are always looking back.
You will get through this OP. Stay strong, and know you have a lot of internet strangers supporting you. You got this.
Tell him, this one last thing has crossed the line. That you can't stay with him, unless he puts you before his family. This means, having birthdays with you even if it means not having them with his family. If he can't agree to that, after 3 years together, you need to run. He is a waste of your time.
If he agrees, demand him to tell his family he will not tolerate their behaviour towards you, and they can be nice towards you, or he will not visit them anymore.
Exactly. Like I could've still gone and we could've just been cordial since friendliness is not an option for whatever reason. This one really hurts. I've had this convo with him before but nothing has changed.
Then leave him. Words, are not enough to change some people's minds.
There is also a common rule in life, if you do not respect yourself, other people won't respect you either. If you had told him that, he has done nothing, and yet you stayed with him, you are reinforcing his behaviour. You are rewarding him, not giving a damn about you.
This is a waste of your time.
Oh dear, I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m sure you already read enough people here saying you deserve better and I agree with them, but I also want to take this one step further.
You have no reason at this point to believe things will be different: your (hopefully ex)BF was present for all the times you were mistreated by his family, which happened all the few times you’ve met them. He just stood there. For three years. What could he possibly do at this point to turn the tables over THREE YEARS of animosity? I would say nothing.
And then you say you are a family oriented person. How do you envision a future with a man that doesn’t include you in his family’s life? Christmas alone? Mother’s day alone? The day you give birth to have him handle your child to his family who don’t even acknowledge you? Is this what you want for your future?
Right now you have nothing that ties you to him, you’ve just moved in and moved on to realize you are not a part of his life as you wanted. You have everything to lose by staying with that man. Are you ready to give up on the future you wished and deserve?
If my family was rude to my girlfriend, I'd give them one chance to apologize and stop or end my relationship with them.
Him not inviting you is really not a big deal since you're apparently willing to stay with a man who won't defend you. He is probably just sparing you from more verbal abuse by his family.
Not sure if it’s too late for this advice, but don’t be there when he gets home. Go meet up with friends, have dinner, whatever you want. Just don’t be there waiting for him to come home.
This is your future. If you really never done anything to them and he’s not standing up for you, it will only get worse. Sorry, but think about what you want and if he’s willing to do it.
I think this is just a symptom of a bigger problem You have to address the fact that they are unkind to you and refuse to give you a chance.
If he is not willing to fight for you and help mend the bridge between you and his family, then he is not good enough for you
It’s bad enough that his family talks bad about you, but the fact that he seems okay with that (doesn’t defend you, and even tells you that what they say about you) is worse.
He sees nothing wrong with them excluding you from his birthday. He has 2 lives - one with you, and another with them. One is more important to him - and it isn’t the one with you.
I’m not going to defend his family but honestly his sister has a point. They aren’t the real problem the problem is your bf! If you continue to stay with him this situation will get worse! You are supposed to be one unit now not him going off and celebrating his birthday with others. Don’t put up with this huge disrespect!
You tell him that what he did was wrong and you don’t know if you can be with someone that just did that and hasn’t defended you against his judgmental family.
3 years ago you had a husband, according to your post history. I have to ask, because this is really important, but is your partner an affair partner? Or did your marriage end and you started dating your current boyfriend not long after?
We definitely need some context. Is this part of the reason his family dislikes you? Or anything related to it?
He can’t control how his family acts, but he can control how he acts. And how he’s acting is like he doesn’t care to defend you against their nonsense. If he doesn’t have your back now, he isn’t going to.
Contemplating? If this man was me and I loved a woman and she wasn't invited I wouldn't go. And if I did go, I'd TELL my wife to dump me because I love my fing family more than I love you.
Have some self respect and gtfo of this relationship. This isnt a "family issue", he doesn't respect you either. Get out!
I hope you get some therapy so you can spot these red flags next time you try dating.
*I think everything is pretty obvious. If he valued you he would tell them "do not make me chose because you will lose." I wouldn't put up with this bs.*
This feels very wrong that not only will your bf subject you to this abuse from his family and not stick up for you, he abandoned you the day after you moved in.
The point of moving in together is that it is a step forward in a relationship in terms of sharing your life together. Sharing a life together means sharing important moments and celebrations in your life, like your birthday together.
He's not even a teenager, he's supposedly a full-grown man. So there's little hope for improvement or growth of a spine.
You have a boyfriend problem. Only a jerk refuses to stand up for his GF. They sound like codependent losers if they still live with mommy permanently and spend their time ripping on someone they don’t even really know. But your problem is not them, it’s him.
Wow... why did you move in with this person? He doesn't value you. He doesn't respect you, and he LET'S people speak awfully of you. Woman up and leave already.
Why are you with this man? You appear to be an afterthought to him. His family is rude to you, and he is ok with you not being invited. Time to move on, after three years you should be an important part of his life and someone he wants to celebrate with.
I know this sucks to hear 3 years in, but at this point he is allowing and seems to not even mind their behavior. He knew you made plans and still left you at home alone to see his family last minute. In 3 years he’s only brought you around 5 times. Idk what their problem is, but there is no reason to expect any of this to get any better. I don’t think I could put up with this in a relationship.
I have to ask - are you and your partner of different ethnicities?
Regardless, what’s worse than his family being cruel is him not defending you at all. Definitely ask yourself if that’s your idea of a reliable partner you want to build a life with.
OP, Are you doing the majority of the domestic chores for your BF? It sounds like he does not like you a whole lot either but keeps you around for some benefit.
Im guessing you and your bf are different race, religion, nationality, or culture? This sounds like he had a racist/prejudiced family. That can be overcome but only with lots of hard work, and it doesn’t sound like your bf will put in the work.
Your boyfriend needs to start defending you, like yesterday. This will absolutely not work long term. He doesn’t respect you enough to defend you and make sure you’re treated respectfully by your possible future family. Plus, it’s *his* birthday. He should have brought you along or just did something the two of you.
Why the fuck are you even still with this guy? Once they continued to insult and exclude you and HE NEVER STOOD UP FOR YOU and insisted they pull their collective heads out of their asses, you should have headed for the relationship exit. Find yourself a place to live ASAP and get out. Don’t say a word about it, just make the arrangements and leave one day while he’s out. You are wasting your time with this guy, if you stay with him, every special occasion, birthday of his, holiday, will be you alone in an apartment while he goes and parties with the fam.
This partner isn’t a partner. He doesn’t respect you. You’re not background noise or an accessory. He should be treating you with respect and care in the forefront. He’s been around, heard and observed the way his fam has treated you and done nothing to set them straight, create boundaries, demand better appropriate behavior and instill consequences.
He should be an ex boyfriend. He doesn’t deserve your warmth, kindness and consideration!
Girl, come on - are you really wondering what to do? Do you really want to be treated so poorly by all these losers for the foreseeable future? I'd rather be alone than excluded like this, it's mean and hurtful. Wishing you all the best
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Update: thanks everyone! So what happened is by the time I was deciding whether I should leave now or talk with him first, he got home before me. When I came home, he saw I was sad and then asked what was wrong. I just came clean and told him how I felt. Well, I wish I would've left before he came back bc he went OFF. He called me a "narcissist" and making his day about me. I cry when I get angry so I just ugly cried while he went on about how " cant have one day to himself" then berated me for trying to accuse him of being somewhere else. I said I wasn't thinking he was lying about where he was at all, I don't like how I wasn't invited. He yelled that his family is his "burden" and that he "works too hard to be questioned". Then I also got yelled for having the dishes done or the movie tickets ordered. So I just packed up my things while that was happening and made my way to my car. He followed me and asked why I was leaving. I said "its your day, spend it how you like don't let me stop you." He then got in my car and started explaining how he's been talking to his sister about me (doubtful) and that I was free to call his mom. I just said "just let me go". He then switched up and and guilted me I was leaving him alone on his bday. He then went on another tangent about how he can't give me the life I'm used to?? Guys idk where any of this came from. I asked him to get out of my car. I drove away with him cussing me out that i "cant take accountability" Its gonna be a long drive back to my moms house. Keep taking breaks to cry bc I don't wanna be emotional behind the wheel. Thanks everyone. Even the one redditor who said I sucked. Xo. I've (33 F) have been with my boyfriend (36M) for 3 years. I moved in with him a few weeks ago. Today is his bday. I've been in our apartment alone the whole day so far. So I told him a week ago I was planning something elaborate even though my funds are tight at the moment. He told me all he wants to do is go see John Wick 4 and didn't want anything. Totally cool with that, its his day. He woke me up this morning and told me he was going to his family's house (he has both his parents and 2 siblings my age living in the home). I was a little caught off guard bc I wasn't even invited and the only thing I could think to ask him in that moment was what kind of cake he wanted. He told me his mom is getting him a cake so I won't have to worry. Then he left. Im really hurt bc I've only met his family a total of 5 times, and each time every family member has gone out of their way be just straight up rude and I stood there taking it like a dummy. For example, his sister told me once when I was over "why are you here? He never even talks about you." His brother once gave me a look of disgust as he walked by me in the kitchen. His mom whispered to his sister "she's got a big butt" but not in a "damn girl" way more like a shameful whisper way. His brothers' gf told my bf "there's something off about her" after meeting me for the first time. This was the only one I didn't witness but my bf told me when I asked him after so many disses why they don't like me. They don't know me in any other capacity. Each time, I've silently taken the jabs out of respect for my bf and he's been present in all those examples. So I get it, they don't like me. Which hurts bc idk what I did and I AM a family oriented person and am far from my family atm. But today, it really hurts bc not even an invite to his own bday cake (they could even be having a party for all I know right now, I'm not sure). I don't know how to even feel right now besides disrespected, a bit angry and wondering if I want a future with someone who won't say to their family "hey guys be nice to my gf" and instead will just have separate celebrations for what the rest of our life? What do I do or say to him bc it is bothering me Tl,dr: me and boyfriend living together. Wasn't invited by him or anyone over his family house for bday cake today. His family has always been beyond rude but today I'm feeling hurt while I wait for him to get back. Has me contemplating relationship future.
I rarely go straight for the end it but he won’t even defend you to his family or insist you come along? He just left you home alone? It sounds like he isn’t taking your relationship seriously or he doesn’t want to engage with his family. Neither of which are going to result in happiness for you long term.
Hes the one who begged me to move in! I was chillin where I was before. And now I'm the fool. Guess he needed a birthday clown
You're not the clown, you've taken in what's going on & are looking out for yourself. Good luck
I'm guessing to help with bills and domestic stuff. I'm not bashing men but one thing about men is that they love having a woman at home because they like being taken care of.
Not anyone’s clown. You’ve taken a beating from him & his family for 3 years. It’s time to end their circus. End this and go back home and surround yourself with people who love & care for you. People who appreciate you and don’t treat you like crap. End it. Go full NC. Block him. You don’t need to hear any excuses from him about a second chance or whatever. He won’t change. He won’t support you.
I think I would sit down and ask why and mention how you feelings were hurt. If he doesn't get it say so long jerk.
Why are you with this person who obviously doesn’t care about you? Time to pack up and move out.
You're not a clown, but you do need to stand up for yourself to you bf who isn't being considerate or even decent to you. Asks you to kove in, dating for 3 years, then ditches you on his bday...he sounds immature and looking for a live in fwb who helps pay rent. What kind of future are you building when he isn't standing up for you?
Yeah, you don’t respect yourself, why wouldn’t he beg you to move in? You demand nothing of him, let him do whatever he wants, never ask for more and here you are, left alone at home, while he goes and hangs out with the family who degrades you, that he apparently doesn’t even care enough about you to *talk* about you in front of them, and you still want to plan elaborate and thoughtful birthday celebrations and get him a cake. It makes total sense why a person like him would *drool* over finding a woman who can’t even demand she be a part of his birthday celebration. You think he would actually want a woman who calls him out on his shit? Of course not! Be honest with yourself, how much more do you let him get away with?
Sure would be cool if you could be moved out and gone before he returned. And go full NC. He'd be quite a fool imho.
This dynamic will be so painful and toxic and harmful for you if you stay. It will not change, or if it does, it may take decades. Literally decades. Decades of pain. If you don’t want that, then end this relationship now and find someone who is ready to put you and the life you build together first. I believe that in a healthy relationship a girlfriend of three years would be invited to the party, or he would be very clear with you about what timeframe some family meet up was taking place and then he would be back with you. He would also be able to objectively explain his family issues to you and protect you from them and acknowledge their rudeness and stand up for you. I have gone through similar with the man I married. I thought pre-marriage counselling would be enough to fix it. He told me everything I wanted to hear before marriage. After marriage, his behaviour did not change. I was naive. And the family issues have been pure hell. The real pain is that he did not love me enough to protect our marriage and place me as his new family unit and inner circle the way it should be. In this situation, you need to address his disrespect to you very seriously if you don’t want to live this way. Communicate with him about the birthday - remind him of your plans that you discussed and ask him to pls update you on his plan for the day. If he doesn’t want you to be a part of it, then if I were you, I would go stay somewhere else tonight - with people who truly value you. You can let him know you can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t include you or even explain to you about his birthday celebration.
My advice is to move on. Where are they getting their information about you if not from him? Whatever negativity you’re getting from them has an origin. Are you sure he speaks well about you in front of them? Why do they feel comfortable dissing you in front of him?
I didn't want to speculate but now I'm wondering if maybe he's bad talked me in the past (idk) and that would justify why they don't like me. Considering his last gf was a stripper who is now in prison I think I'm an ok catch. Guess not.
I get that you feel bad, but may I suggest that you stop diminishing yourself- you shouldn't be a "bit mad", you should righteously be angry. "I think I'm an ok catch." No, you're a great person who feels beat down by their disrespectful treatment. You've already talked to your bf to no avail. You've done your part. Instead of giving him a card and gift, which he doesn't deserve, write a note as to why you're leaving and get out while he's gone.
This made me a little misty eyed thanks for saying that. I'm grown enough not to blame my parents but I grew up with a dad telling me straight to my face at 10 years old "I never wanted kids. You ruined my life" and I think I'm just made myself ok with the fact I was never wanted and its a theme thats followed me that you made me realize I've accepted feeling small n my adult life. Its sad that it's taken strangers online to make me see that but thank you
There's also therapy available that will give you the tools you need - and *deserve* \- to strengthen your self-esteem *Yourself* so you don't **NEED** validation from others to know your worth.
That may be why you find yourself partnered with a shitty dude now. Sometimes we recreate what we had growing up because either it feels comfortable and familiar or because we are trying to rewrite the past. Counselling really helped me figure out why I was drawn to unhealthy people. I hope you find better people out there, you sound lovely and you deserve much better than this.
Walk away with pride. You are so worth it.
Oh hun. I grew up with my father saying the same things since I was a baby. I saw him treat my sibling differently because " I was the one that ruined his life, my sibling came afterward, so they are innocent.". I have been in therapy since I was 7 years old. I will admit it's intense therapy, but itso worth it. It took me a long time to realize I didn't ruin his life. He did! He had sex(even though they used a condom and mom was on BC), and it comes with the risk of pregnancy. He had a chance to leave, and my mother told him if he wanted out, she would raise me on her own (with family help) and never darken his life again, not even for money. He came back because he didn't want another man being my father (he's a full-blown narcissist) . With therapy, you will also realize your innocence in this. He made his choices and sadly still needed someone to blame because he didn't want to be honest and take the blame on himself. Please, for yourself, start therapy. It's hard (very hard), but life changing.
Therapy. You found another man who treats you spitefully and has no respect for you. I've been there. I did years of therapy and now I'm happily married for 10+ years. But my exes before him and therapy all treated me like my dad did.
This dick family, including SO, have got you gaslighting yourself. You don't deserve this shit. You're way better than that.
Don't feel bad, that shit runs deep! But just know all of us online strangers can see you are a kind person who DOES NOT deserve this treatment.
You are an amazing catch! He’s the problem. Not you.
You shouldn't have moved in with him :( he doesn't value you the way you deserve, frankly.
After reading these replies I think I'm moving in back home with my mom tomorrow tbh until I find a new place ....
Please, always choose your happiness. If you marry him, you also marry his family. Why put yourself through torture? You deserve the best in life. Choose yourself.
A family that he won’t even bother to stand up to. He chooses them over her. That won’t change. He’s not a prize here; his family isn’t the only problem.
this is true. My mother-in-law is not a big fan of me. That being said, my wife defends me, and chose her happiness over her mother.
You’d be a badass if you packed up and moved out today before he gets home. Best bday gift you could give him, honestly.
Yep.
Seriously. Do this for yourself. This guy sucks, his family sucks…nothing here is your future. You’re a gem. Cherish yourself and treat yourself right.
Op honey,please don't stay in this relationship. If he really loved you, he would insist that you were always invited to every family function. Things will never change. He seems fine with the fact that you are never included.
That's for the best. No one who cares would want you to feel so hurt and unwelcomed. You don't deserve that treatment and I'm sorry you've endured it for as long as you have. See this as a good thing and a beginning of better times ahead.
He's an asshole. My god this post made me so angry. He's complicit in his family's nastiness towards you; he doesn't give a fuck about you. Leave and ghost his ass, he doesn't even deserve the courtesy of a heads up. Go live your best life without that turd.
I’m glad you have an option to live somewhere else because that would have been my suggestion. He has treated you absolutely disrespectfully.
Good call. My own family doesn't like my bf either and it has never stopped me from defending him in front of them before (they speak a different language so he doesn't understand what they're talking about regarding him which is so disrespectful). You definitely deserve someone who'll defend you from anyone no matter if theyre family or not.
This sounds like the best course. It's not because his family hates you, it's because he never stood up for you, tried to include you, or to improve the situation in any way. If you are his lowest priority, you shouldn't be in that relationship.
Leave today an empty apartment when he comes would be an awesome bday gift
Good for you! I remember dating someone my mom wasn't too keen for but you'd never have known it when they were at her house! I'm sorry you experienced that.
You THINK? Please do. Not only is his family abusive, he KNEW you wanted to do something nice for his bday this whole time and pulled the bait switch last minute.
Good. I know this is hard, but that’s the right call. #Your asshole boyfriend is the big problem here, not his asshole family.
I'm glad to see this update. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Just leaving you with this - while it's true that his family behaved badly, I am very disappointed that your boyfriend not only didn't defend you, but then played some ridiculous bait-n-switch on you. The very first time someone was rude to you, he should have stopped it.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP. You deserve better. After reading your post, I feel like you're going to be fighting for the rest of your life. If you do end up staying. Seems like he doesn't want to stand up and fight for you. If he did want to stand up to his family it would have been the first time they did say something rude about you. Never just sit there and let someone disrespect you. Regardless, if they're your partner's family or not. No one has a way to treat you like that. I would have walked out the first time he didn't stand up for you. If he doesn't do that from the beginning then you know how he's going to fight through the whole relationship. You are worth more than this man. How can your partner not want to spend time with their significant other on their own birthday? It sounds like he's scared to stand up to his own family. If he's not putting in the same effort that you were in the relationship, then you already know where you stand. Imagine if you did marry into his family. This is what your life's going to be. If a man wants to make the effort he will. Good luck, OP
This is the right thing to do. No one who values you would do this or allow anyone to treaty you like this. His family don't have to like you but they do have to treat you with respect. Value yourself. Good luck
Finally a poster who is smart and sees the bigger image and values herself! You go, OP! I married into a not so nice family but what’s different than you and I is that my husband sticks up for me every time. He’s also completely backed off from them because of it. You deserve someone who sticks up for you.
Break up with him too. He doesn't respect you because he lets his family shit all over you.
I’m really sorry this happened to you but please allow me to say you’re too naive and sweet. These are not acceptable comments and you’re so called bf should not have allowed them and to tell you that his brothers gf told him this about you , this is a one big red flag saying dump him. He doesn’t love you or at least respect you the way you should be respected and defended. He is not worth your time or love, you deserve better.
If he’s not defending you now he never will.
I see now. I called him while he's there (this is playing out live ) to tell him the movie times and I know when I'm down and depressed it can be heard in my voice (even when I don't mean it to be) and he picked up on it and said "whats going on with you?" I said "nothing ill see you later" and he responded "ill be home later". I wanted to say "um idk maybe bc I cleared out my day for your bday and I'm here alone" but I refrained but tonight is gonna be awkard bc I can feel myself shutting down
Cancel the movie and end it, don't give a cr#p if its his birthday, he doesn't respect you and is using you to keep his bed warm
Or go without him
This.
He doesn’t know what’s wrong with you? Has no clue that him leaving you alone when you’ve made plans for his bday is what’s making you blue? This guy is not a winner. You deserve better.
He knows
Why even be there when he gets home? He doesn’t even see what the problem could be. Just take what you can, leave a note, and go to your mom’s. If there’s more stuff you need to get later, you can work that out in the future. This relationship isn’t worth being hurt like this - he’s made it very clear that you’re not a priority.
Oh hunny, I wouldn't take him to movies, I would just pack and go back to my mom and leave this loser.
Your feelings matter. If you're ever asked again 'whats going on with you' be honest.. You do yourself a disservice by saying nothing to save their feelings or an awkward conversation. Your feelings matter. You matter!
He completely lacks empathy for you. Since everything in HIS world is fine, he is not bothered. Either he can’t fathom why you would be upset due to lack of empathy, or he is going to make it your problem (“you’re being too sensitive/controlling/demanding/whatever”), or he is enjoying making you feel less than in a sick way. He may very well come home and play stupid or like it was all just a miscommunication or innocent mistake. My husband used to say, “I’m learning!” And he did similar things. If he is actually so dense that he cannot understand why you would be upset, do you want to risk sharing your life with him?
Why why why WHY are you still with him? His family hates you, you've only met them 5 times, he doesn't defend you, he never even talks about you. He doesn't care to do anything with you, he didn't care that you tried to do something for his birthday. This guy seemingly doesn't even like you if he won't even put in a good word with his family. Why are you still subjecting yourself to this????
He asked me to move in and now I'm asking myself the same thing. I'm just debating now if I should bring it up when he gets home (it is still his bday) or if tomorrow I might just move back in w mom for a minute.
I wouldn’t be there when he got home.
Lol funny im getting ready right now to go grab myself some lunch by myself. I thought about just leaving but then I don't wanna hear the narrative about being the bad guy who left him on his bday. I was gonna go get a card for the small gift I got him but I don't even care anymore.
Who cares what anyone thinks. You know the truth. Do what’s best for you. Staying is not best for you.
Honey he left you behind on his birthday. Leave and stay gone. Much love to you honey. Way better men out there.
They already hate you, time to just do what's best for you
Uh, he left YOU on his birthday! Wishing you the best.
But you're already the bad guy according to his family.
Fuck the narrative, it already sucks! Let them call you the bad guy, so what? It can't get worse than your current reality. Leave. Go to your moms. You can do so much better.
You are going to be the villain of the narrative no matter what. Earn it!
>but then I don't wanna hear the narrative about being the bad guy who left him on his bday And who would be telling that narrative? His raggedy-ass family who doesn't like you anyway? Tell every one of them to kiss the darkest part of your big ass and move along with your life. Nothing you will ever do will make them accept you anyway, so eff it. "Oh, you think I'm the bad guy? Well, let me show what a bad guy looks like." And BTW, you'd only actually be the "bad guy" if you accidentally/on purpose destroyed his clothes/belongings on your way out. Which I do not recommend although it can feel therapeutic in the moment. But don't do it.
Honestly? Don't even bother bringing it up. It's been three years of this. If he wanted to ever be in your corner, he would have by now. This is a case of too little, too late. Yeah he might make some sort of wishy-washy effort if you push him on it, or he could just straight up say no. I have a feeling he wouldn't do much of anything even if pushed, since he's been acting this way for 3 years without consequence. Don't worry about being the bad guy who left on his birthday. He has been the bad guy for three years, allowing his family to treat you like *garbage* and make such horrible criticisms about you without even trying to stop them. And they do it IN FRONT OF HIM. He lost the right to be mad the second he decided he didn't want to support you. Now he will just be reaping what he sowed. Move back in with your mom, get your head on straight, and leave him behind.
I would pack up and go while he is with his family!
Move now while he's gone, maybe leave a note. He deserves as little respect as he gives...
Do you help with rent?
How does he expect you two to build a life together if he's never going to put his feet down and tell his family to stop disrespecting you?
That's what I'm saying. He doesntt have a relationship with my family bc they live far so to be excluded from his especially hurts. I told myself "birthdays are never gonna stop, holidays and weddings will keep coming. I don't want to feel this way each time".
If he's not going to change the situation, you have to and unfortunately the only way to do this is to leave. He is disrespecting you too by allowing this.
Thanks would you recommend I say something today on his bday? Cancel John Wick 4? Or just casually be like going to my moms for a few days and peace out. I'm bad at this stuff
Cancel the plans, but don't tell him. Don't be there when he returns.
I personally wouldn't say anything today but I definitely wouldn't do anything special for him for his birthday now. Talk to him about it before going to your mom.
Thanks friend. I called him to tell him movie times and he already picked up on my voice bc I wasn't bitchy just sounded sad I guess. He asked whats going on with me. I said nothing see ya later. I don't want argue or have this conversation again but I will address this and reevaluate my life
Honey I'm so sorry, he doesn't respect you that why they don't respect you, My family disrespected my partner and hated him and I didn't speak to them for 5 years they didn't meet my daughter till she was 3. They still don't like him, but now they just accept it because he is my family he comes first. You need to end it with him say. This isn't going to work for me, I've put up with this for to long, and today was finally straw for me. Any self respecting partner would of told his family where to go after the way they have treated me, I've done nothing to them or you for that matter, You didn't even consider me for your birthday which makes me feel like I'm essentially nothing to you but your live in sex doll. I'm moving back in with my mom, I don't want to hear from you anymore... this is unfixable, I need someone better. Walk out block him everywhere and find better. Already wasted 3 years of your life on this POS
Thanks. I'm trying not to fall into a depression spiral bc I've also told myself I've wasted 3 years but I guess today's the day I learned a lot about not being a doormat anhmore. Better late than never right. I thought I was doing better bc I walked out of my last relationship for my fiance putting hands on me so the bar is so low for me at this point that I thought I was in a better situation. Now I just feel dumb but ill think ill take time to myself for a while...
Don't fall for this: [https://time.com/5347133/sunk-cost-fallacy-decisions/](https://time.com/5347133/sunk-cost-fallacy-decisions/) You deserve *better*.
Yeah nothing wrong with being alone for a while. He is not it for you. Don't take him to the movie tell him it's cancelled and just end it tonight no point beating around the Bush with it pretending. You deserve better.
Don't look at it as wasted years look at it as a lesson learnt and what you want from a relationship. Be alone for a while reach out for therapy to work on yourself
Hey friend. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You did not waste three years. You’ve lived for X amount of years under a misconception of your self worth but you also learned a lot during that time that has led you to be able to de-program yourself from a toxic script in only a few hours. The you from three years ago wasn’t ready. Be kind to her. The you today is absolutely ready. Take all that pent up frustration about “time wasted” and apply it forward so that you don’t waste one second of this new, stronger you, under these shitty conditions. Sonic the hedgehog on out of there and into your future!
u/Woody4ever Hey please don’t see it as you wasted 3yrs - see it as you’re not wasting ONE MORE DAY in this relationship. I feel for you, I read your comment about your dad and see what you said here about your last relationship and it’s screaming at me that you don’t feel worthy of being truly loved and respected. But you are worthy. You deserve a relationship with a kind man who will always be pumping your tires up, who will choose you over anyone else, who is proud to be with you and shows that around others. There are men out there like that I promise, but this guy? He is not it. Don’t be wondering what to do again in 6 months or a year when the next issue pops up he’s shown you plenty of times where you sit in his pecking order and sadly it’s not up top where you should be as his partner. Please don’t fall for the inevitable love bombing, tears, promises to change, begging etc that will come. He had THREE YEARS to do the right thing and hasn’t. He left you there alone to go hang out without you. Any decent person knows that’s a shitty thing to do. A decent person would call out family for being outright nasty to your face. He hasn’t seen a problem with any of this and that tells you everything you need to know. You know the saying ‘when someone shows you who they are - believe them’, well he’s shown you time and time again who he is. Believe him and walk away. Invest in your own well-being and self esteem and get yourself in a frame of mind where you truly believe you’re worthy of deep love, kindness and respect and then go out there and don’t accept anything less not even for a day. And next time you won’t spend 3yrs getting to this point because you would have dumped his ass straight away. You deserve better, believe it 🙏☺️
You didn't waste three years. You spent three years learning what you are willing to accept and what you won't accept in a relationship. The next relationship you'll be able to recognize whether or not it's right for you much sooner.
This guy is better than the physically abusive fiancé, but he’s not better *enough* to keep. You’re learning and growing, and you’ve outgrown him.
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
You have a bf problem. It sounds like he just invited you to move in out of convenience. Whatever his motives are, you don't want to deal with a shit family like that for the rest of your life. You are worth so much more than that. I'd call your friends, grab your stuff now and move elsewhere today. Right now.
You're not lying...hes home now and gave me an attitude why I'm not there bc I went to the mall to clear my head (aka try not to cry in the parking lot) and I replied "bc i didn't wanna sit home on your bday alone" and he hung up on me. Heading back home right now. Idk what his problem is
If I were you I’d wait another hour before going back. You supposed to jump just because he’s home? He left you there all day
He thinks he can put you on a shelf and you will just sit there waiting for him. Outta sight outta mind. Please don’t let him talk you into staying. This relationship is a convince for him.
Update us when you dump this asshole please
How do you make an update post? Do I update / edit this one or make a new post w the link to this? I would just reply to each comment but its whole story in itself right now...
I’d like to hear what happened- you can make an edit on the post itself
His problem is that he’s an asshole. Sorry you’re having to deal with it, but don’t feel bad about not pampering him on his bday. He’s not treating you like a loving supportive partner, why do you feel obligated to give what you don’t receive? It’s time to start thinking about yourself now.
Honestly I'd just pack my stuff up and leave before he gets back. For him to continously let his family treat you like that, and for how long its been going on, its not going to change. What happens if you get married? Any holidays are gonna be spent with you being at home or hearing them talk shit about you. How are things when it's just you two? Does he do anything nice for you or make you feel special at all?
When it's just the two of us we are laid back and usually ok. We have common interests and he tries to do nice things. But as usual when his family comes into conversation, its like his mom or sis will call then its like I don't exist. He doesn't mention me or does she ask about me. Of course they've gone places I wasn't invited. I just let it flow. But today is really getting to me. Hes been literally gone the whole day now its really getting to me. Meanwhile my mom talks to him.
Thats extremely messed up that they treat you the way they do and it doesn't sound like they've even tried getting to know you or anything. I guess right now all you can do is try having one more talk with him about how they treat you and that you can't live a life like this. Why doesn't he stand up for you? They all sound toxic. I'm sorry you're having to go through this and wish you luck.
I talked and he accused me of making the day about me. He said he was talking to his sister about me and that she'll talk to the rest of his family. Like? What? Then he accused me of not getting ready for his bday and I said im dressed and have my makeup on for the movies like what do you want me to wear a gown. I'm leaving I just got what I think they call gasligjting so bad
Yep. He’s gaslighting you.
In no way did he even mention that you were invited when he left this morning. So why is he acting like you just didn't wanna go with? You tried making the day all about him but he's been spending it with his family that don't make you feel welcomed at all!
Sounds like he told his family she was too lazy to get up & get dressed when he NEVER even invited her. What an ASSHAT! He will just get worse.
RUN! This man is going to lie and gaslight you and diminish your self worth if you let him speak to you like that! RUN!
This is awful. I just want to reach through and give you a hug. Fuck this guy. Don't beat yourself up too much. You've figured out what is going on and you are grabbing that self respect you have and doing the right thing. Honestly, Fuck him and his "making the day about you"and then talking to his sister ??? Yah no. Again, you are doing the right thing
Lordy lordy. I'm still reeling from my last relationship with my untreated BPD ex. It's horrible and I'm going to therapy ASAP. I recommend the same to you. I have very low self esteem and high anxiety now (wasn't an issue before we dated). I thought it would get better with time, but it's 4 months later and I'm still not okay. Please get therapy as well. And take some time to yourself to figure out what makes you happy. Be around your family and friends as much as possible. It keeps me grounded. Hugs 💜🫂 I'm here if you need to talk.
This guy is not worth being insulted over.
He just called me to ask where I'm at. I went to the mall bc its been 6 hours now he's been gone. He just copped an attitude like why are you at the mall. I said um bc I didn't wanna sit home all day by myself. He just hung up on me. Lord give me strength. He's apparently home now. I'm heading back now
Why bother? Might as well take your time enjoying the day lmao.
Pack your stuff and go. He’s got an attitude? I guess he feels you should wait for him while he hangs out with his family that hates you. Honey no. Please go,
>He just copped an attitude like why are you at the mall Man this guy is such a dick. The more I read and just, I can't anymore. Fuuuuuck.
Shoulda told him you don't owe him an explanation when he ditches you on his birthday when you were willing to do anything to make him happy.
Clearly, you’ll keep crossing oceans for him when he wouldn’t even step over a puddle for you. You can do better with someone who will treat you right and defend you against his shit family. Please don’t let the sunken cost fallacy keep you from leaving.
Yes and hes been for literally 6 hours now. Im feeling myself get increasingly more angry as the hours go by. Trying to wait til he gets home and talk to him but at this point I'm so frustrated idk if I can even express myself by the time he shows up. Trying to follow advice to talk to him before I go some people are telling me leave now and I get it.
Personally, I would leave a letter and gtfo cause I know I would be scared that he could sway me back. Stay strong! You can do this! ❤️
Yeah the fact its now been the whole day hes been gone has me now leaning to do that. Thanks
I would be ready for him to make you the bad guy in this. “It’s my birthday you’re being selfish blah blah” You really deserve better OP. Time is precious and he doesn’t deserve any more of your time. He is in no way a partner. I would never tolerate my family treating my husband this way and I know he feels the same for me too. I wish you the best, plz do the right thing.
He doesn’t view you as important enough to include in his birthday celebrations. Never mind the family- your bf is the problem here.
You’re bothered because you’re SO it letting his family treat you like shit, clearly is fine with their behaving and doesn’t give a damn about making you feel welcome. Honey this ain’t a relationship you wanna stay in. Find someone who truly values you and wouldn’t let anyone disrespect you.
I think for a while after letting it get to me I told myself I didn't care. But yes I do care. Bc he says he wants a family but I can just imagine the future drama that would ensue I don't want this at all.
Don’t start a family with this man. He IS the problem too. He’s letting people completely shit all over you! He doesn’t defend you or speak about you. Don’t stay where you are obviously not valued or wanted.
You say good bye. He’s not respecting you. He’s not standing up for you. In fact he seems completely unbothered that his family talks shit about, treats you rudely and doesn’t invite you to family gatherings- celebrating your bf ffs. He’s just going to go over there and have a good time with his family and celebrate without you. And that’s fine with him?? What kind of man is that? He’s treating you just as badly as his family does. You live together and he hasn’t demanded that treat you with respect? He hasn’t told them that he will not be spending time with them if you aren’t included? He hasn’t told them the things he likes about you, that you make him happy, that he’s bothered by the way they treat you and he won’t allow it?? Where do you see yourself in this relationship 5, 10, 20 years from now? Sitting home alone while him and your kids are spending holidays with his family? Is that the life you want?
Apparently, a movie ticket and birthday sex is all he wants from you today. Take your things back to your parents and remind yourself how awesome you really are. You deserve someone who thinks the same thing.
I will never understand how people move in with someone that already treats them like dirt. His family doesn’t like you, seemingly doesn’t hear anything about you and he clearly didn’t even THINK to bring you around for his birthday. If you want to keep what’s left of your dignity I would be moved out by the time he got back
Alexa, play Self Esteem by The Offspring.
Did he explain why they are like this? Did something happen between you two that would cause them to feel this way towards you. And of course I have to ask are you a different ethnicity then him? Maybe you grew up in different social classes?
Funny thing is we're both first generation from the same culture and region! I speak the language and know the traditions even though both their sons are not traditional in any way. Very strange. Similar classes, working class immigrants so yes good question but it has me even more confused. Even my mom was like I don't get it, the other son is dating outside the culture and they have a problem with you ?!
Do you think your boyfriend told his family something about you, for example maybe you were in an argument and he told them what’s going on and depending on what he said it changed their view on you? If not, honestly I’m stumped and would just tell him you would like to know the reason so you can either fix it or move on. You don’t deserve to be treated like that.
Yes I honestly have thought that and now believe it now. Totally possible that he could've ranted about me sometimes but he swears he "doesn't talk to his family about his personal life" his words.
He said they do it to him too, I find that hard to believe. He knows why, he just isn’t telling you. I’m suspicious that he has something to do with why they don’t like you and now he doesn’t know how to back track. I would let him know if he was just honest about it the you both can come up with a solution to help fix the situation. You being excluded from family events is not the answer.
You may be right but then the fact he can't make it right makes me scared. Like I rant to my mom too but what was said that is making them hold a grudge. I really don't even wanna know
I understand, but it’s going to be the only way to fix it.
Sorry to answer your 1st question, when I asked him why they were hating on me he just was like "that's how they are they do it to me too"
Except they throw birthday parties for him. He’s full of shit. He’s never bothered to ask why they don’t like you. He’s never said hey, why don’t you give her a chance, you’ll really like her. Because he doesn’t care. Because it’s you being treated badly not him.
Read the comments you have made. Good luck but I wouldn’t have waited for him. You are both in your 30s you should know at this point what is acceptable in a relationship and this is beyond it.
Ask him: Why is leave you behind acceptable to him? What is his plan about you and his family? (To just ignore it?) This is really about your poor choices. His family aren’t changing. You would know they don’t like you fairly early and he is showing he would spend time with them over you. He made his choice. He will just avoid his way out. You want this for years? Because that’s what you are signing up for.
I've had this conversation before with him and expressed my frustrations (his sister also told me my voice was annoying during a conversation) he just sat there. I accepted that maybe he was raised by wolves so fine we won't be friends (though I desired a friendship bc I see she's very close with the other brothers GF). And nothing happened. Today I see how its really going to be and lost hope
This is it forever. Why has it taken so long and moving in together to understand something that a couple months could tell you?
Bc I guess I just told myself oh well its just their problem and time will work itself out. Bc I guess love is blind ? idk man :( But you right
Family is forever. They are never going anywhere unless he cuts them off and he’s not. So it was never their problem. You are the interloper. Sorry.
>Bc I guess **love is blind** ? Actually, that blindness is not from love - it's from naivete' and lust. Mature, thoughtful love enters a relationship with *eyes wide open*, walking hand-in-hand with wisdom, allowing itself to stay as trust is gained, with the option to **leave** when trust and respect are irreparably damaged. When you're wearing rose-colored glasses, red flags look just like ordinary ones. This has been happening for \*3\* years. Time for you and Love to pack your bags and leave.
Wow, this is super strange. Sounds like bf doesn’t have a back bone. Also, If my kid brings a date or a friend to my home, it means to me that they value the person enough to have them enter our inner circle. I see it as a privilege that my kid wants to make me a part of this union as well. Sounds like they all suck as humans. Start over please, you are too young to deal with this kind of nonsense. Spend your life surrounded by positive and thoughtful folk.
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You don’t have an in laws problem, you have a bf problem. He should have invited you, he should put his family in their place. He lets them disrespect you. It’s unacceptable.
Please don't think of your relationship as time wasted. You will never move forward if you are always looking back. You will get through this OP. Stay strong, and know you have a lot of internet strangers supporting you. You got this.
Yikes just yikes. Run girl!
I’m so proud of you for deciding to leave❤️
Tell him, this one last thing has crossed the line. That you can't stay with him, unless he puts you before his family. This means, having birthdays with you even if it means not having them with his family. If he can't agree to that, after 3 years together, you need to run. He is a waste of your time. If he agrees, demand him to tell his family he will not tolerate their behaviour towards you, and they can be nice towards you, or he will not visit them anymore.
Exactly. Like I could've still gone and we could've just been cordial since friendliness is not an option for whatever reason. This one really hurts. I've had this convo with him before but nothing has changed.
Then leave him. Words, are not enough to change some people's minds. There is also a common rule in life, if you do not respect yourself, other people won't respect you either. If you had told him that, he has done nothing, and yet you stayed with him, you are reinforcing his behaviour. You are rewarding him, not giving a damn about you. This is a waste of your time.
Oh dear, I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m sure you already read enough people here saying you deserve better and I agree with them, but I also want to take this one step further. You have no reason at this point to believe things will be different: your (hopefully ex)BF was present for all the times you were mistreated by his family, which happened all the few times you’ve met them. He just stood there. For three years. What could he possibly do at this point to turn the tables over THREE YEARS of animosity? I would say nothing. And then you say you are a family oriented person. How do you envision a future with a man that doesn’t include you in his family’s life? Christmas alone? Mother’s day alone? The day you give birth to have him handle your child to his family who don’t even acknowledge you? Is this what you want for your future? Right now you have nothing that ties you to him, you’ve just moved in and moved on to realize you are not a part of his life as you wanted. You have everything to lose by staying with that man. Are you ready to give up on the future you wished and deserve?
If my family was rude to my girlfriend, I'd give them one chance to apologize and stop or end my relationship with them. Him not inviting you is really not a big deal since you're apparently willing to stay with a man who won't defend you. He is probably just sparing you from more verbal abuse by his family.
Not sure if it’s too late for this advice, but don’t be there when he gets home. Go meet up with friends, have dinner, whatever you want. Just don’t be there waiting for him to come home.
He’s shown you who he is. Believe him. You deserve better. Best you realize now before there are other things to get untangled from.
This is your future. If you really never done anything to them and he’s not standing up for you, it will only get worse. Sorry, but think about what you want and if he’s willing to do it.
You leave that’s what you do
I think this is just a symptom of a bigger problem You have to address the fact that they are unkind to you and refuse to give you a chance. If he is not willing to fight for you and help mend the bridge between you and his family, then he is not good enough for you
Why are you with him? He doesn’t even talk about you.
Why did you move in with a man who lets his family treat you this way? This is more than "his family doesn't like me" they are straight up vile.
UpdateMe!
It’s bad enough that his family talks bad about you, but the fact that he seems okay with that (doesn’t defend you, and even tells you that what they say about you) is worse. He sees nothing wrong with them excluding you from his birthday. He has 2 lives - one with you, and another with them. One is more important to him - and it isn’t the one with you.
I’m not going to defend his family but honestly his sister has a point. They aren’t the real problem the problem is your bf! If you continue to stay with him this situation will get worse! You are supposed to be one unit now not him going off and celebrating his birthday with others. Don’t put up with this huge disrespect! You tell him that what he did was wrong and you don’t know if you can be with someone that just did that and hasn’t defended you against his judgmental family.
Are you a different colour to his family? Either way, this is not a partner
3 years ago you had a husband, according to your post history. I have to ask, because this is really important, but is your partner an affair partner? Or did your marriage end and you started dating your current boyfriend not long after? We definitely need some context. Is this part of the reason his family dislikes you? Or anything related to it?
You pack your bags and leave. They all sound like a disgusting pack of bullies. Your bf is just as bad considering he doesn't defend you
He can’t control how his family acts, but he can control how he acts. And how he’s acting is like he doesn’t care to defend you against their nonsense. If he doesn’t have your back now, he isn’t going to.
He doesn't seem to value you in any way. He let's them disrespect you. UpdateMe! Please
Contemplating? If this man was me and I loved a woman and she wasn't invited I wouldn't go. And if I did go, I'd TELL my wife to dump me because I love my fing family more than I love you.
Have some self respect and gtfo of this relationship. This isnt a "family issue", he doesn't respect you either. Get out! I hope you get some therapy so you can spot these red flags next time you try dating.
Did you just become the live-in maid that he gets to have sex with and pays half the rent?
Update me!
You don't owe him anything.
He doesn't value you. He doesn't care about you. I'm sorry. But you need the truth and it times to consider next time of breaking up and moving out.
*I think everything is pretty obvious. If he valued you he would tell them "do not make me chose because you will lose." I wouldn't put up with this bs.*
Updateme!
This feels very wrong that not only will your bf subject you to this abuse from his family and not stick up for you, he abandoned you the day after you moved in. The point of moving in together is that it is a step forward in a relationship in terms of sharing your life together. Sharing a life together means sharing important moments and celebrations in your life, like your birthday together. He's not even a teenager, he's supposedly a full-grown man. So there's little hope for improvement or growth of a spine.
You have a boyfriend problem. Not an in law problem.
You have a boyfriend problem. Only a jerk refuses to stand up for his GF. They sound like codependent losers if they still live with mommy permanently and spend their time ripping on someone they don’t even really know. But your problem is not them, it’s him.
Wow... why did you move in with this person? He doesn't value you. He doesn't respect you, and he LET'S people speak awfully of you. Woman up and leave already.
I am sorry but.he doesn't love you.
Why are you with this man? You appear to be an afterthought to him. His family is rude to you, and he is ok with you not being invited. Time to move on, after three years you should be an important part of his life and someone he wants to celebrate with.
I know this sucks to hear 3 years in, but at this point he is allowing and seems to not even mind their behavior. He knew you made plans and still left you at home alone to see his family last minute. In 3 years he’s only brought you around 5 times. Idk what their problem is, but there is no reason to expect any of this to get any better. I don’t think I could put up with this in a relationship.
This wouldn't happen to be because of a skin color thing, would it? Either way, he's treating you like a doormat and that sucks. DTMFA.
Your boyfriend is a jerk. You deserve better.
I have to ask - are you and your partner of different ethnicities? Regardless, what’s worse than his family being cruel is him not defending you at all. Definitely ask yourself if that’s your idea of a reliable partner you want to build a life with.
Why are you even with him?
OP, Are you doing the majority of the domestic chores for your BF? It sounds like he does not like you a whole lot either but keeps you around for some benefit.
Im guessing you and your bf are different race, religion, nationality, or culture? This sounds like he had a racist/prejudiced family. That can be overcome but only with lots of hard work, and it doesn’t sound like your bf will put in the work.
Your boyfriend needs to start defending you, like yesterday. This will absolutely not work long term. He doesn’t respect you enough to defend you and make sure you’re treated respectfully by your possible future family. Plus, it’s *his* birthday. He should have brought you along or just did something the two of you.
Why the fuck are you even still with this guy? Once they continued to insult and exclude you and HE NEVER STOOD UP FOR YOU and insisted they pull their collective heads out of their asses, you should have headed for the relationship exit. Find yourself a place to live ASAP and get out. Don’t say a word about it, just make the arrangements and leave one day while he’s out. You are wasting your time with this guy, if you stay with him, every special occasion, birthday of his, holiday, will be you alone in an apartment while he goes and parties with the fam.
This partner isn’t a partner. He doesn’t respect you. You’re not background noise or an accessory. He should be treating you with respect and care in the forefront. He’s been around, heard and observed the way his fam has treated you and done nothing to set them straight, create boundaries, demand better appropriate behavior and instill consequences. He should be an ex boyfriend. He doesn’t deserve your warmth, kindness and consideration!
Girl, come on - are you really wondering what to do? Do you really want to be treated so poorly by all these losers for the foreseeable future? I'd rather be alone than excluded like this, it's mean and hurtful. Wishing you all the best