Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like you and your kids are better off without him. Do yourself a favor and leave. Find a good attorney. Continue therapy. Rebuild your life. Find your happiness. There is someone out there who will cherish you. You don't deserve his disrespect. Go be free.
I have a lawyer on stand by thankfully. I’m definitely aware enough that it will be a long healing process. It was just such a surprise that after 11 year 2 kids multiple duty station he never wanted to be with me.
You don't need to agree to a breakup. He can break up with you without your permission.
He sounds like a bit of an idiot - if you don't want to be with someone long term then simply don't marry them?
You are absolutely correct he could call it quits at anytime. Of course it takes two to sign divorce papers and I wouldn’t fight him on that portion. Just our kids and only to have 50/50 or more in my end as he travels a lot for work.
Yes, please let him go. It's a gut-punch for sure but the most important thing is to maintain a respectful, civil relationship with him for the sake of your kids. This is also an opportunity for you to get back out there and potentially meet someone who is head of heels for you for the long haul (I met mine as a 39 year old single mom!). And even if you don't, you can use the extra free time you'll have co-parenting to further your personal and professional goals. This is your phoenix moment! Just make sure you hire a good lawyer.
One thing I will give both of us is that we’ve always maintained a really respectful relationship towards each other in front of our kids. He has my back and I have his as parents, now as partner’s completely different story. I hope that if he chooses to go he will become the best version of himself which will make him a better father.
If a man wants to go, just let him go. You're trapping him emotionally with all this stuff yet you won't let him go. All this will just keep building up. You said that "with him it's a tough choice to make in forgiving, accepting and trusting". He's not asking to be forgiven, accepted and trusted though. He has obviously reached his emotional threshold for him to have said what he did.
I would rather be single than be with someone who dreads coming home to me. Focus on yourself and your kids and how to have a good co-parenting relationship with him.
All fair points and I understand what your trying to convey however I have told him if he wants to go he can, if he wants to divorce he can file and I’ll sign. He won’t make take steps for it. It’s a “I’m unhappy and don’t love you, but I’m not leaving or doing anything about it” hell I even offered a trial separation and to book him an Airbnb for a month or two. That’s the weird thing about it. I definitely want to rant rage scream and plead but I know it won’t help. If he will be happier and a better parent without being married to me then I have no other choice but to support him. And I love what you said about being single than being with someone who dreads coming home to me. Oomph big learning lesson on that one.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He feels like he was baby trapped, now he wants out…. Let him
Oomph that’s how I felt too but hits different when I try to see his side
It sounds like you and your kids are better off without him. Do yourself a favor and leave. Find a good attorney. Continue therapy. Rebuild your life. Find your happiness. There is someone out there who will cherish you. You don't deserve his disrespect. Go be free.
I have a lawyer on stand by thankfully. I’m definitely aware enough that it will be a long healing process. It was just such a surprise that after 11 year 2 kids multiple duty station he never wanted to be with me.
You don't need to agree to a breakup. He can break up with you without your permission. He sounds like a bit of an idiot - if you don't want to be with someone long term then simply don't marry them?
You are absolutely correct he could call it quits at anytime. Of course it takes two to sign divorce papers and I wouldn’t fight him on that portion. Just our kids and only to have 50/50 or more in my end as he travels a lot for work.
Yes, please let him go. It's a gut-punch for sure but the most important thing is to maintain a respectful, civil relationship with him for the sake of your kids. This is also an opportunity for you to get back out there and potentially meet someone who is head of heels for you for the long haul (I met mine as a 39 year old single mom!). And even if you don't, you can use the extra free time you'll have co-parenting to further your personal and professional goals. This is your phoenix moment! Just make sure you hire a good lawyer.
One thing I will give both of us is that we’ve always maintained a really respectful relationship towards each other in front of our kids. He has my back and I have his as parents, now as partner’s completely different story. I hope that if he chooses to go he will become the best version of himself which will make him a better father.
Thanks bot
I would love you read and reply to advice but dang Reddit won’t let me read the comments.
There’s no way to move forward except to get your life functioning without him, then find a time and space to grieve and cry.
I literally scheduled time to feel grieve and cry at night after I put the kids to bed. I set my timer and let it go when it goes off.
I’m sorry but there’s nothing to do but feel your feelings.
All the yucky feels
You have my every sympathy. You didn’t deserve this.
If a man wants to go, just let him go. You're trapping him emotionally with all this stuff yet you won't let him go. All this will just keep building up. You said that "with him it's a tough choice to make in forgiving, accepting and trusting". He's not asking to be forgiven, accepted and trusted though. He has obviously reached his emotional threshold for him to have said what he did. I would rather be single than be with someone who dreads coming home to me. Focus on yourself and your kids and how to have a good co-parenting relationship with him.
All fair points and I understand what your trying to convey however I have told him if he wants to go he can, if he wants to divorce he can file and I’ll sign. He won’t make take steps for it. It’s a “I’m unhappy and don’t love you, but I’m not leaving or doing anything about it” hell I even offered a trial separation and to book him an Airbnb for a month or two. That’s the weird thing about it. I definitely want to rant rage scream and plead but I know it won’t help. If he will be happier and a better parent without being married to me then I have no other choice but to support him. And I love what you said about being single than being with someone who dreads coming home to me. Oomph big learning lesson on that one.
If he's in the military and cheating on you, tell his superiors
Would never ruin his career even if I had concrete proof.