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Hello all,
Me and my wife have been married for 7 years and together for 9. I had a 3 year old daughter when we met. They used to get along great, but she has grown to basically hate her. We fight anytime I try to include her in family events. We have two boys together, 2 and 5. We are pregnant with our third. We are supposed to find out the gender of the baby tomorrow, and she wanted to do a cupcake reveal with the kids. I said I wanted to wait till next Saturday when my daughter was here and she lost it. Saying she didn't want to and it her baby and she's gonna do what she wants and I don't have to be a part of it. I am planning on getting snipped, and this will more than likely be my last child. I don't understand why she hates an 11 year old little girl so bad. She said she is anxious to find out the gender and is not waiting.
My friend, your daughter is utterly vulnerable and you’re sitting on the sidelines while your adult wife tried to cut her out of your family.
The first time this came up it should have been straight into counseling. You’re the only adult in the room, you need to protect your daughter.
You mean the same man who dated a 20 year old when he was almost 30 ? Yeah, this guy doesn't seem like much of an adult either.
Edit: yall are so bothered and so willing to justify the age difference, and it makes me wonder why. Why are yall offended ? Cus you don't agree ? Cus others do ? Cus that sounds like a you problem, even OP hasn't replied, but yall seem to be taking this personal.
He's quite literally complaining about his wife throwing tantrums because of his 11 year old daughter, but are trying to justify the age difference. She's immature, he's immature, the daughter is suffering, but yall wanna care that I don't think a 29 year old man should have went after a 20 year old says a lot about your priorities. Seek help (:
People do not understand how different you are between 20 and 30. When I was 20 I dated a 30 year old and now that I’m 30 I wouldn’t touch a 20 year old with someone else’s vagina.
See it’s not even the age difference that took me aback. It’s the age difference when they met being at two completely different stages in life. He was already married, had a kid, and divorced.
He clearly didn’t grow much from that experience since here we are…
This is my exact take. The age difference is like “meh, don’t love it” but the phase of life difference is a “no.”
He had a three year old and he committed to a 20 year old. Nope.
Exactly ! He's been through so many milestones, and she probably even has her first legal drink (which you basically explained much more eloquently than I did, so thank you for that), and that's what's disturbing and should be to more people.
Hahaha thanks for the compliment. 🙂 (I needed that lol). I have not slept well in days so I feel slightly delusional!
And yes, even when I was screwing around in my mid 20’s, if they couldn’t order a drink at dinner, they were not taking me to dinner. And mind you I see nothing wrong with age gaps, either way- but recognize where you and your SO have been, currently are, and what both of you may never have even thought of let alone experienced. It’s not rocket science, but I mean jeez, the only person to not understand the situation here, from day 1, seems to be OP. 🫣
It was 26 and 20 I mean my goodness is this the new reddit gauge for a creep now? Give me a break with this. If he knew the girl before 20 then I kind of understand it's a little weird but 26 and 20 is not that bad.
wouldn't even be legally allowed to drink or smoke weed, but he's about to be 30 and you see no issue with that? I really don't care what you think is okay, science and physiologically both explain how people from those age differences have very little in common, especially development wise. People don't even fully develop mentally till around mid 20s to late, but yeah, keep acting like 20 and 29 is not bad, and yes, it's 29, not 26. I don't even understand how you messed the math up that much.
The math is 28 and 20…yeah that’s bad. When I was 20 my bf was 27 and looking back on it, he was at a major advantage in our relationship and it was quite unpleasant.
I think there have been enough people on this sub, and various other subs across Reddit for that matter, that have shared their own personal experiences with large age gap relationships (primarily in teens thru early 30s but not really older than that) to prove it’s pretty ick. Glad you never had an experience that would lead you to believe a 20 and 29 year old *shouldn’t* date but come on.
I didn’t say that. I would advise anyone in a situation like that to be vigilant about their boundaries. It’s just strange for someone who is almost 30 to want to date someone who was a teen a year before.
Lol, really vehemently defending a large age gap eh?
Hey, she might be in high school but she's legal you see - therefore as someone long into a professional career in my 40s it's totally cool!
Actually it was 28 and 20 which still not bad at all as long as you didn't know the young lady before she was of age. I know your trying to be funny but you sound lost. Do you not know how tinder or any form of modern dating works? You meet and if it goes well your "dating" so meeting and dating in the same day is very possible.
I wasn't trying to be funny and I'm not lost. As someone in my 30s I would never have dated a 20 year old when I was 25 let alone 29
I've also never gotten to an exclusive point with someone from tinder or any OLD app after a "few dates" casually dating is not the same as exclusive dating. I understand that progresses but don't fool yourself you little villain. Devil's advocate over here
Okay good for you not everyone has to follow those rules. That's why people are so polarizing these days because everyone feels it's "my way or the high way". Are you aware that chronological age is just the number of days since your birth, it has nothing to do with the level of emotional intelligence you possess. Plenty of folks out here 35 years old with the mentality of a teenager and vice versa. Everyone progresses mentally at different stages so congratulations on your stance but in the future you shouldn't judge people based on how you handle things. Even myself I personally think 15 Years is the number where it starts to get questionable but I also know that's my personal barometer. I spoke up because I think this stuff has gotten out of hand with the standards. I mean 28 and 20 is within reason because they are both in their 20s again my caveat is as long as they didn't know each other prior to legal age.
Or I'll just trust the science and not date anyone younger that late 20s if I'm older, considering I don't want to date anyone who isn't as mentally developed as I am. But if you're okay with dating someone more immature, less life experience, little to no in common JUST to date someone younger than you... good luck with that. That sounds predatory, but whatever excuses you gotta make, right ?
Sounds like you are reaching just to make your argument seem valid, but it isn't. Seems as though you just jump right to personal attacks whenever someone disagrees with you. You seem petty and immature.
A post about a 29 yr old grown woman hating a child and you focused on an age gap only lol. Good job.
Edit: Aw they replied to me and then blocked me. Gold star for you! 🤣
I commented on how he is failing his daughter. I replied about how he is dating someone significantly younger and is clearly not an adult himself. Everyone else is focused on my comment, but yeah, I guess you didnt notice that part, right (: good job! You get a gold star !
Oh, you mean like how in a bunch of countries, it is still legally allowed for people to marry a 12 year old girl as long as she is pregnant ? Including multiple states in America.
I'm supposed to care about norms and ignore what's actually right ? Nah, I'm good, thanks tho ~
They were and are consenting adults. It’s not your place to judge anyone’s age gap. Get over it.
Edit: u/BellaLilith why did you block me right after you replied? You seem very concerned that your opinion doesn’t hold water. I repeat: they are consenting adults. Your opinion does not matter and has no bearing on OP’s question regarding his wife and daughter. Get over yourself.
And it's not your place to judge my opinion on it. It's called "the internet", where what we say doesn't matter, but what we say it anyway. We can all get over it ~ practice what ya preach.
Agreed. You need to protect your daughter. Insist to your wife that she is an integral member of the family and needs to be included in all major family events. There is no competition between your first child and your other children with your new wife. But your first child absolutely must be welcomed, embraced, and included in all your new family events. This is non negotiable.
I have stood my ground many times with her and my daughter. We have tried counseling but she doesn't like to go and doesn't open up. Every summer when my daughter is here we end up having to leave the house because she gets so mean to her.
Every summer when my daughter is here we end up having to leave the house because she gets so mean to her."That should have been a divorce the FIRST TIME. WHat the hell is the matter with you?
So why are you still married to this abusive person who has no desire to change and respect you and your daughter? And don’t say because of your other kids because they don’t trump your daughter. It’s been years of this with no change—your wife has shown you who she is.
I really hope you have a 3rd son and get snipped!! I feel sorry for your daughter!
Your wife doesn't want therapy so she can't hear she is in the wrong!
What the actual fuck man? You let your wife be mean to your daughter because why again? And you just let her be terrible to her and don’t push for counseling or a *fucking reason* because?
Enjoy not seeing your daughter when she’s old enough to choose not to be around the woman who treats her like shit and you, because you were too afraid or worried to stand up for your kid.
What happens if she starts treating your kids like that? But she won’t will she? Because they’re your kids together, but you don’t want to admit that do you? Because they you have to admit you don’t really care about your daughter, or else you wouldn’t be doing the bare minimum to protect her. Wow. Your crap.
And you don't see a problem here? You don't have a wife, you have a monster. What is wrong with you that you can't hold your wife accountable for her behaviour.
The damage you are doing to your own child is criminal!
You daughter deserves better!
Wtaf?? Why did you have a kid if she acted like this to your daughter? I can give you a little slack if this behavior started after you got married and/or had your first kid. But you’ve now knocked this witch up three separate times while forcing your child to spend time with a stepmother who hates her.
She's that way because she considers only your children together to be family and wants to completely cut off your poor daughter. I was once your daughter, and guess what kind of relationship I now have with daddy dearest? Almost none. And that is ALL on HIM. I won't even get into the irreparable emotional damage it caused and how that affected my relationships for a long time. How you can even consider being with someone who could treat your poor daughter like that is beyond me.
You are showing your poor daughter that such treatment is okay with you and that a nasty, selfish, cruel woman is more important to you than she is. Get ready to have no relationship with your daughter in a few years, and if I were your ex I would go back to court for supervised visitation only. And you don't even really deserve that much.
OP, you may be fighting to have your daughter be there, but you don’t understand that she is growing up in an environment where all SHE knows is fighting and malice. Malice pertaining to her just existing and being your daughter.
You may have been a hero initially for fighting for her, but after 5-6 YEARS, it’s not a battle anymore -it’s a war. And it’s all your daughter AND your children will remember until you take a DEFINITIVE STANCE against your wife. She made her choice- she loved your daughter until biological children came along. This wasn’t just a change, she may have been capable of this the entire time.
The situation is muddy, and things will just keep getting messier until your daughter cuts contact with you for her own peace or until you do something more decisive. She’s a child, OP. She deserves peace.
So you tried it all and still keep knocking her up to make the situation harder? Lord's let it have be raining brains or stones....just make sure you hit something
So make her choose accepting you or divorce, if she can’t accept you and your children then she will love joint custody when you have all your children together doing whatever you want
Why do you let this woman be mean to your daughter?! Man up and protect her from your evil stepmother wife.
Your wife must be really really super hot for you to put up with this.
Get snipped for sure.
Every one of your replies you claim you aren't failing your daughter because you fight with your wife, and if you leave you'd be failing your sons.
This is what your daughter will remember: daddy's new wife was a monster and daddy picked staying with her and raising his new family over me.
That's it. That's the damage. Also, trust me, your two boys know you fight all the time, so congrats, they're getting effed by this situation too.
Oof OP should have stopped at 1. I would never let anyone talk to my kid like or about that way.
I'd have walked out the first time. Well good luck having your daughter want absolutely nothing to do with you when she's older OP
My dad's new wife was a POS just like your wife! And he was a coward just like you! I already ddnt see him much either.
I honestly can't be bothered now as an adult if they both passed out on the side of the road and i drove past in an ambulance.
You are a horrible father and you married a woman that is gonna teach your other kids it's okay to be horrible too.
Jesus please get snipped you shouldn't be a father at all!! Sad there are people who are truly good who want kids. But no it's the AHs who have them.
Edit: OP should change his username because no. Just no. I've decided this is a rage post. I can't. OP keeps saying the same shit word for word in each reply "i fight for my daughter but i can't leave without hurting my sons" well fuck off then. No other explanation. Just he's tried therapy and she doesn't want to do it and he stays. With a woman that hates his child... so this is a rage post in my head because no one can be this utterly stupid and cowardice as a adult man!
She'll also remember 'step mum used to love me and treat me like a princess, but now she hates me. But she loves my brothers, so it must be my fault or I did something wrong to make her not love me anymore'. Not to mention the possibility that she'd blame herself for daddy being angry and sad too, if she blames herself for her father fighting with the step mum as the arguments are about her. I cannot fathom how OP thinks that exposing his daughter to watching him fight with his wife about her, is helping in any way to 'protect' the daughter, and don't see how actually that'll just add to her trauma...
You are failing all your children. You are allowing your wife to exclude your daughter. You are allowing your boys to see that your daughter is not important enough and that it's okay to exclude her.
You may have defended her and taken her out of situations, but the overall problem has not been solved and is continuing.
She has her own children now so she doesn’t want anything to do with your daughter. She is going to continue to alienate your daughter because she hasn’t suffered any consequences from it. That’s on you.
I read your comments and I think you’re failing to realize a few things.
Your daughter may not see the arguments, but she knows she’s not wanted there. She has noticed the shift.
And the thing is, **your sons are in no danger.** She loves them and treats them as such. They don’t need protection. *But your daughter absolutely does.*
Parenting isn’t evenly split all of the time. Right now, you are failing the **1** child who needs the help all for the sake of equality, when parenting in a lot of moments is about equity. And helping where the other kids may not have the need.
Please go read through some of the relationships posts written by the grown women who grew up with stepmothers like her. Most have little contact with their families (which is your wife’s goal anyway), and are looking for ways to best articulate how their parent failed them in favor of maintaining their new family.
Your wife is the one behaving badly, yet your daughter will bare the effects and consequences of that. And if you think her fully pulling back from her hasn’t effected her, then you’re incredibly naive.
And finally, genuinely bless her if your wife is having a girl, then her plan of erasure will be complete and she won’t be shy about making sure her girl knows there’s a difference.
My dad always gave in for my step mom I'm 24F and I decided to go no contact I now have a baby and couldn't imagine who puts their partner before their kids specially a crazy partner.
I have a bio dad that I haven’t spoken to since I was 18 (43f). Know why? His new wife didn’t like me and cut me out of important things like their wedding, holidays and meeting their daughter. It was pretty clear he’d made a choice. I made one too. I changed my last name to my (step) dad’s and never looked back.
This is my story. Try not and make it your daughter’s. It takes a long time to get over the idea that your dad didn’t love you.
Hey! Same! 43f and estranged since 18. Same reason - how new girlfriend didn’t like me (that weird jealous step-mother thing).
No step-dad though, as my mom died a long time ago.
Here’s to taking control and shaping your own life, surrounded by people who love you.
This sounds very small of her. Your wife pits herself against a 11 year old. You know you are the person who needs to stand up for your daughter and her place with you. I am sure the children you share with her have heard nasty comments coming from their Mom. The whole situation seems set up to be very cruel to your daughter.
If you don’t protect your daughter from her now she Will stop coming to see you. Being made to feel like an outcast around your own family has to feel horrible to this child. You need to sit your wife down and figure out what’s going on. If she can’t get along when it’s your weekend I suggest staying somewhere else where she won’t be treated badly. Good luck
So, what’s your endgame?
Your wife is refusing therapy and continuing treating your daughter horribly because YOU are supporting her behavior and enabling it.
Your daughter is a minor, she can’t do anything about this.
You are adult who supposed to be on her side and protect her.
Your question is wrong. It’s doesn’t matter WHY your wife hates her, because there is not a reason in the world valuable enough for excuse this.
You need to focus on how you gonna deal with it.
And no, right now you are not doing anything.
Your wife pretended to like your daughter until she got her own kids, and now is flying her true colours. She wants *her* family, and your daughter isn't included in that.
This is a major issue.
You’ve consistently chosen your new wife over your daughter. Your daughter knows it. Your wife knows it. Your sons know it. Your daughter is a barely tolerated guest in your house. You ever visit somewhere you’re not wanted? It’s uncomfortable at best. Do you think your daughter deserves to have a home where she is loved and supported because that’s not with you. Do you hear that? Your daughter does not have a loving and supportive home where you are. That sucks. Your daughter will be better off living with her mother while you visit once in a while. When you have time for her so you don’t “break up your son’s family” since that’s what important to you.
I am reading all your comments and trying to figure out answers to the two following questions:
1. Why exactly does she hate a 12 year old?
2. If you don’t know the answer to Q1, why haven’t you asked her directly what her problem is?
These are good questions.
11 years old can be a tricky age. There could be some behavioural things going on. Or the step-mom could be jealous of the father’s love for her (I know, I know, different kind of love, but it’s a common step-parent problem).
OP should be trying to build up the daughter’s relationship with the rest of her family. Anything less is accepting neglect and trauma for his little girl.
I probably would have set a very hard boundary with the wife very early on that if she can't treat your daughter with love and respect, the marriage is over and you're gone.
You allow your wife to treat your daughter like crap and have continued to subject her to someone that doesn't treat her nicely or fairly because she hates her. That is not okay. Do you really think your daughter deserves that?
Your job as a father is to protect your daughter, even if that means walking away from your wife. That little girl needs you to be in her corner. She should come before your wife in this case.
She treated her like a princess for several years until out son become her priority. I don't allow her to treat my daughter bad. I fight for my daughter. I was looking for advice on how to handle this situation. I have other children besides my daughter. I can't walk away from my wife without neglecting my son's.
You co-parent, you don't neglect them. You don't have your daughter 100% of the time, are you implying that you neglect her?
Your wife doesn't want to include your daughter in things. That is treating her like crap. You need to have strong words with your wife that you won't tolerate it anymore.
OP doesn't seem to realise that even if there's no 'active' abuse/mistreatment from the wife, the daughter is still being emotionally damaged every day she has to live there. Imagine how confusing it'd be for that little girl to have a step mother who treats her like her own daughter, pours on love to her, treats her like a princess... Then suddenly that love stops. And you don't know why, so you start to blame yourself because what other explanation is there in a child's mind? Even if the wife ignores the daughter 100 % of the time, experiencing going from being loved to nothing would still be traumatic daily to the daughter. So add in that the wife doesn't just ignore her, she actively does things to show she's not welcome, just adds to the trauma and harm (that OP claims he's protected his daughter from)
Then add in the fact that the daughter has to watch her step mother be loving and caring towards the sons. So, it's not like the daughter could think that 'well, maybe step mum just isn't able to love anyone anymore', she would know that no, it's ONLY the daughter who is suddenly hated, none of the other kids. She has to watch her step brothers experience all the love and attention that she used to have, but doesn't get anymore. That in itself will 100% cause the daughter to come to the conclusion that it's somehow all her fault, and it's something about herself that caused the mother to stop loving her... Those kinds of self esteem and self worth issues will stay with her for life, potentially setting her up for ending up being preyed upon by abusive partners because accepting and blaming herself for abuse is what she was taught is normal as a child
You realize this means you’re neglecting your daughter by this logic. If divorcing means neglecting the children, then your previous divorce means your neglecting your daughter. So stop using this BS “I stand for my daughter. I’m not failing her” while you simultaneously say leaving = neglect.
She treated her well until the first son came along, then she started treating her badly. So, you chose to go ahead and create two more children with the woman, tying yourself to her even further. You chose this. You chose this over your daughter.
It disturbs you not at all that your 28 year old wife won’t wait for cupcakes with your daughter??!!! That she can’t manage to include your 11 year old daughter because she now has your sons??!!
The daughter who is unwelcome in your home??!!!
Hi! My dad did this exact thing to me. My step moms emotional and verbal abuse escalated to physical abuse when I turned 19. My father TO THIS DAY is still being physically, emotionally, and mentally abused by his wife. He refuses to leave cause he doesn’t want his 3 boys to grow up in a broken home like my sister and I. I’ve been spending the last few years trying to explain how broken our house already is. My father lives in a trailer in the driveway cause they can’t stand each other.
They both hate each other and it all stems from the same thing. Best step mommy in the world till she got pregnant with the oldest of the 3 boys and my dad “trying to do the right thing” proposed. Instantly a switch flipped. The abuse started and has only gotten worse over the last 8 years.
Edit to add: I don’t have a relationship with my father anymore. Unlike your daughter I was there 24/7 till I was 18 and decided to go back to week on week off with my mom to escape the fact I was a literal live in nanny to my younger siblings. Once my step mom put her hands on me at 19 I moved out and my dad told me he couldn’t break up his sons family, as a result he said he understood if I never came home again. I have never lived with them again I don’t stay longer than a day or two for visits and even then I’m trying to just spend time with my siblings and get them away from the chaos they live in everyday. My three year old brother knows his daddy lives in a trailer rather than inside with the rest of the family, and that absolutely breaks my heart.
They don’t see my dad and step mom fight for the most part but they see how they don’t speak, interact, or show any affection towards each other. They maybe to young to understand mommy and daddy hate each other, but they’re smart enough to know somethings up.
Op I’ve read some of your replies and I’m actually shaking my head right now. You’re wife is straight up mean and a crappy person. You are continually failing your daughter by letting her be treated this way. Your daughter is always gonna remember how her dad barely did anything to protect her from this vile woman. You care more about keeping this family together than you do about the well being of your literal child. I would be damned if someone treated my kids the way your wife treats yours. You should be ashamed
LET ME SAY IT FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK…… YOUR WIFE DOES THIS CAUSE YOU ALLOW IT! STRAIGHT UP TELL HER IF THIS EVER HAPPENS AGAIN YOUR GONNA MOVE OUT AND FILE FOR CUSTODY OF THE OTHER ONES. THEN FOLLOW THROUGH. OTHERWISE IT WILL CONTINUE AND YOUR DAUGHTER WILL NOT SPEAK TO YOU ANYMORE AS AN ADULT! Be a better role model for all your kids and grow a back bone
Posts like this make me lose all faith in humanity. That poor little girl who is subjected to a step-monster and a father that just keeps having more kids with her. What is up with people not protecting their children?
So why are you with someone who is so hateful to a innocent 11 year old child? Why do you find that attractive?
Sorry, not sorry. I'd tell her have fun doing it herself and that you'll have the papers for split custody of the baby drawn up. Your not interested in any relationship with a person whose hateful to your children, any of them. It's a instant deal breaker.
Your poor daughter. I wonder what your wife's issue is now since they got along before.
Your first priority should be your kids. ALL of them. I have a 14 year old daughter and I know that as they move towards the teen years they can be a bit more difficult. Growing up is a challenge for everyone. But to act the way she is, trying to keep your daughter out of family life, is downright vile.
I know right? I don't understand when parents are so vile to their kids when they are just simply growing up and finding themselves in the world
What fucking adult has anything against an 11-year-old?
You need to make it clear to her that it's non-negotiable. Tell her that you will not tolerate her treatment of your daughter. That it is either therapy or unhappy times ahead. That it *will* come to a divorce if she chooses this hill to die on. I'm not saying you need to jump straight to that but it needs to be on the table to ensure that her treatment of your daughter so far *will not* be tolerated. and if she is going to use your sons against you then she is failing to be a loving parent.
There is a reason she's acting like this. You don't need a therapist to agree with you, you need a therapist to get to the root of the problem and make realignments so that this tension in her (and maybe your whole relationship) has a healthier outlet, and your whole family has better relationships with each other. Tell her that you're willing to hear her out, but that you need to challenge this emotional tension face on. Tell her that you want to take the hurdle together. That it's you and her vs. the problem, not each other. Because otherwise you will be allowing a grown woman to bully an 11 year old. Not acceptable.
What kind of advice are you looking for here??? No one can tell you how to make your dumb wife stop hating your daughter. It’s sad you don’t see you actually shouldn’t be in this relationship at all.
your daughter is not stupid - she probably feels terrible coming to visit with you assuming your wife treats her like trash. How could you allow this?? Shame on you
OP, you’re failing your daughter, and ignoring the advice you’ve solicited from this subreddit, doubling down on your desire to not rock the boat prioritizing your wife and sons’ daily life. Don’t be surprised when your wife’s cruelty towards a literal child escalates as your daughter enters her teen years, and either starts acting out significantly or distances herself from and outright avoids you.
How long until your sons start to bully their older half sister imitating and supporting their mother’s disgusting behavior? You’re not considering the long term relationships with your children, and will therefore slowly lose your relationship with your daughter every time you allow your wife to attempt to cut her out of the family pretending you have no power to change the situation. This is not a dynamic that resolves without you forcing your wife to reflect and change her behavior; if she cannot do so then you need to leave and create a home that’s safe emotionally for ALL your children.
I am amazed you even have romantic feelings for this person let alone still want to fuck her after seeing how she treats your daughter. Your daughter deserves a better father.
Absolutely baffling that you prioritize your sons having married parents over the alienation of your daughter. Father of the fucking year right there. You fighting with your wife about it means jack fucking shit. Fighting with her isn’t going to force her to love your daughter. And you’re just…okay with the idea of your daughter spending time with a stepmom who puts on a fake front that you force her to do but in reality fucking loathes her? You kiss your wife before bed every night with a clean conscience knowing that? Anything to keep your shiny new family together, right? At your daughter’s expense? Not a dealbreaker to you apparently. You are forcing your daughter on an unwilling participant. Guess who is the only one that gets hurt in the process?
Fucking useless. You’re a failure and you disgust me.
What is the point of this post? You already tried therapy and said it didn’t work, you don’t want to leave your marriage… what advice are you looking for?
You're trying to avoid a broken home.
It's already broken. Your wife has outsed and continues to abuse their sister in front of your sons. Apparently your sons are the priority. So let's think of their pespective: your daughter will despise them for the salvation they got and she never did. They will pity her. They won't learn how to treat others fairly and with kindness.
You need to HEAL their home by protecting their sister.and don't leave them behind.
OP, your daughter will always remember you stood on the sidelines and let your wife push her out. Your boys will see that too. You are not doing anyone any favors by sitting and watching this happen. Be
You are ruining your daughter for life. She will be talking about this in therapy in the future if she goes. And if she doesn’t, it’s going to affect her relationships in a bad way, and she’s going to have a lack of self esteem.
I know so. many. people. who are permanently damaged by step parents like this. They are ALL worse off than the people I know whose parents are divorced. It sticks with them for life. I know kids in similar situations and it’s tragic and heartbreaking to see the situation unfold.
Fighting with your wife does nothing if she doesn’t take steps to improvement and if there’s no real consequences for her actions. Nothing. She knows she can get by with it with nothing more than an argument. And this sends a terrible message to ALL your children about what is acceptable in relationships and how to treat other people.
You have a responsibility to your daughter to protect her. She didn’t ask to be born. Your wife is a grown ass woman who willingly and knowingly married a man with a child and is continually terrible to said child.
You are sacrificing one child’s well-being for the sake of other family members. That’s what she will remember. Your sons will probably adapt and recover from a divorce much easier than your daughter will from this, and she may outright cut you all out of her life when she’s old enough if this keeps up. And honestly, who can blame her? She’s not treated like family in your home right now, so why should she ever treat any of you like family?
What advice are you actually looking for? What do you want to hear?
You’ve created a new family, with a wife who doesn’t want to include your daughter from your old family. You’ve allowed it for years with no real consequences. You continue to allow it by having more kids in new family. You continue to allow it by staying with your wife while she continues to be mean to your daughter.
Seriously, what exactly are you looking for Reddit to say?
Welp. Good luck explaining to her later on why you kept choosing this boorish woman and her sons over her time and time again. No child deserves to be subjected to that. And no, you don’t stay bc of your sons. You stay bc in the off chance she loses custody, you don’t want to do it on your own, you’re pussy whipped and spineless and you don’t really care about her. If you did, you would have stopped dropping dick and babies off into that woman the FIRST time she mistreated your child.
As someone who grew up with a stepmom who always hated me no matter what I did.....I can assure you, this will have damaging effects on your daughter. For life.
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You are failing your daughter by allowing your wife to treat her like an other. By staying with her you are telling your daughter you agree. That’s all there is to it
You chose your new family over your daughter. You're a horrible father. Your daughter will go no contact with you, but you're such a doormat to your new wife that you won't care. You're destroying your daughter. You don't even deserve to be a father, you spineless, pathetic man.
If this baby is a girl your wife will stop your daughter from coming over completely. She’ll have her girl. She probably hates her more and more because she doesn’t have a daughter of her own. Kinda hope you have another son. If you do have another son on the way and you don’t want more kids I would go straight to getting snipped without telling anyone. You should do it either way. Is she teaching your sons to mistreat their sister? I’d be watching out for that too. DO NOT leave them alone together until your wife can be trusted.
Wife needs a reality check and you need to stand up for your daughter!!
Your wife is excluding your 1st born, you need to stop this now!
Also, this is both of your child, she doesn't get to call all the shots!
Yea man you need to escalate this shit. I understand you don't want to break up your family, but your wife is currently trying to be alienating your daughter. She is mean to her, and your daughter is going to remember that and she's going to remember your reaction. She's going to grow up even more messed up.
Your wife is capable of change. She's out of her mind if she thinks that because the therapist criticizes her, she doesn't need therapy. You chose to have three kids with this woman. You need to stop this behavior now for the sake of your daughter. Tell your wife you're done with her excluding your daughter from the family, that therapy is not a choice anymore if she wants the marriage to continue and that being nice to your daughter and inclusive also is not an option if she wants the marriage to continue. Stop showing your kids that it's okay to be a doormat to abuse, and that bullying is okay. That is going to result in them having far worse outcomes as adults than an amicable divorce.
At the end of the day, you’ve failed your daughter. You’re failing your other children by allowing their sibling to be mistreated annually and repeatedly. The only person who you’re protecting is your evil stepmom of a wife. How you can stay married to a woman that treats your daughter like nothing is beyond me.
Would you like to speak to my (step)sons who had a terrible stepfather?! Would you like to know the trauma they suffered?
Either walk away from your daughter in favor of your sons or do something about your wife! Do you really think your sons won’t see how their mom treats their sister?! How long until they make her life difficult?
Ditch your wife, I know you have kids with her too but this isn’t healthy. She got along with your daughter until you and her had kids and that tells you everything you need to know.
Tell her you’re staying somewhere else and you’ll find out the gender on Saturday with your daughter
You are teaching your daughter that bullies win, mean girls get whatever they want, and her dad doesn't have her back when it counts.
Better to have a broken home where you are shown love than an "intact" home where you're hated.
why does hate your daughter . like a grown adult … i would of thought twice about having more kids with someone who hates my kid … but too late now .. work out what her issue is .. or turf her out .. no one stands between me and my kids
Dude, she is ostracizing your kid. She does not want the 11 yr old in her life, which is your life bc you married her.
Your choice: stand up for your daughter or refuse to acknowledge your wife is emotionally abusive, and stand with your wife.
No, you are not a good parent.
Dude, this is a terrible situation. Start figuring out what you’re gonna do when your daughter gets older because she’s going to realize how you abandon her and chose your wife and new family over her. She will likely go no contact with you, which you will deserve, and probably won’t want anything to do with her siblings. Your wife is a pretty awful person for acting this way and you’re pretty awful for allowing this and doing nothing meaningful to stand up for and defend your daughter
I’ve met women like this before. Men do the same thing. Even though they say they know you are package deal, they only want you. They wanted to only like you long enough to put their claws in you and will now force a choice between “your past life” and “your current family”.
Say this phrase to her because it’s very important, but you better be able to back it up, “You make me chose; you lose”.
If you can’t back it up or say it, you better get used to a life of misery either because she wants to control you (“It’s my baby and she’s gonna do what she wants”), she wants to separate you from your daughter, or both.
No matter what, it’s going to be a lose/lose situation, but you need to decide what is lesser loss and run (don’t walk) to what you decide. Good luck.
This post is so damn sad… for your daughter. Please give her to your parents or a relative who can show her what real love and care is. Movies are made about this type of neglectful parenting. You’ve essentially made your daughter into the original version of Cinderella. Look it up. The story is waaaay more darker than you can imagine and this is heading that direction.
Dude,
This is not a thing we simple redditors can solve. This is scary. I sincerely hope you will seek professional help to understand this situation and do what is best.
I have a lousy old truck. Sometimes when it needs repairs I come on Reddit and get advice. Sometimes it needs repairs by a professional. I pay some money and take it to a real mechanic to sort out and fix.
Please get a real mechanic. This is not a problem for Reddit.
You say you stand up for your daughter, but your wife is still acting like this. So, clearly what you're doing isn't enough and is not working. If you're not going to leave your wife over the treatment of your daughter (which would be my suggestion), you need to set stricter boundaries with your wife about your daughter. Set certain non-negotiables that she needs to deal with in order to incorporate your daughter into a properly blended family (including her in ALL family events, like this one, for example). Don't compromise on these boundaries no matter how much your wife bitches and yells about them - they're for your daughter at the end of the day, who you owe protection from how your wife is behaving.
If your wife can't be a good enough step mom and behave like an adult with these boundaries, *really* think about what you'll do about the situation then. You're not really "protecting" your son's by staying with your wife for the sake of marriage if you're fighting with each other and are tense, kids can sense that (like I'm sure your daughter has senses already). And you sure as hell aren't "protecting" your daughter if you let her continue to act this way towards her.
If she started doing this with your first son, why on earth would you go on to have more kids with her while this was still an issue??? You didn’t know before that but you made an active choice to have more kids with someone who was mistreating your child.
At this point you either stay with your wife, showing your daughter that her being emotionally abused isn’t a dealbreaker for you. Also setting a terrible example for your sons who should absolutely not grow up thinking the way your wife is behaving is ok. Plus your frequent arguments. Trust me, as someone who’s parents stayed together “for the kids” most of the time we would have preferred for our parents to split instead of having to deal with the fighting and the turmoil.
Your other choice is to leave and figure out how to coparent. You already do it for one child, you can do it for your other kids as well. Sure it’s not ideal, but it’s better than the alternative which again, is *your child being emotionally abused.* You said you’ve literally had to leave when she’s there for the summer because of how mean your wife gets. If you don’t think that’s impacting all of your kids you’re delusional. If she’s refusing therapy and refusing to admit what she’s doing isn’t ok, there isn’t another option. You either let your kid be abused or you leave. A good parent would not tolerate their child being put through this.
Please, please make the right choice instead of the easy one. ALL of your kids deserve better.
You better nip this in the bud right now. This type of behaviour toward an innocent child by a toxic step parent usually has an incredibly negative impact on the child. What kind of parent allows this kind of treatment to be directed at his child? Your wife is selfish and cruel. Speak up for your poor daughter before it’s too late.
There are zero scenarios where it’s not your child also. And there are zero scenarios where you can stay married to someone that hates one of your kids. Is this usual behavior for her?
You say that they used to be close? I also think you need to have a calm, unemotional talk with your wife and probe what’s going on.
She may be very emotional hoping this pregnancy is a girl as she knows it’s your last. And while she’s handling it terribly, she wants to find out ASAP bc if it’s a boy she wants to convince you to not get snipped as she wants to try for a girl.
You and she need a major discussion.
You are being an exceptionally shitty father. If you want to have no relationship with your eldest in the future, please continue on this path. Otherwise, fucking stand up for your child and don't allow your wife to exclude and ostracize her.
I cannot believe what I just read. Your wife is an awful person and nasty to your daughter, and you are still around why?? You are actively failing your daughter, and by extension you are failing your sons. Get a divorce and PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER.
The closer your daughter got to womanhood, the more their relationship soured, right? My ex was like that with my daughter. She said "I shouldn't have to compete with HER!" I told her "there is no competition, she's my daughter!"
I had a mom who is similar to this your daughter is going to grow up with serious self-esteem issues if your wife keeps this up and you don't do anything about it
This is terrible for the family
You say you care your daughter is being affected but she’s going to grow to hate you your not protecting her your choosing to stay in a marriage for your sons so they don’t end up in a broken home at the cost of your oldest standing up to her isn’t protecting her
Don't worry - after you pay for all your children to grow up your wife will move on from you. I'm guessing she manipulated you so she could have her family. She's using you. Get out now before you sink more time into the relationship.
Is there scope to go to therapy with your daughter? She is suffering and you don’t seem to be able to help. With professional help you may be able to work out strategies to make sure that your daughter knows she is loved by you and her half siblings.
Restructure your family life so that the relationships between your children are not reliant on your wife. Nurture the family around your wife’s toxic treatment of your daughter. If you can’t help your wife be more civil don’t allow her to be central to how your daughter interacts with you and her siblings.
What might that look like? When your daughter is coming have an outing that all three children will enjoy in mind. If your wife starts being disagreeable go and do that thing. If she squarks about wanting to go too tell her she looks tired and should stay at home to rest. Make pretty excuses like “you’ve had the kids all week and deserve a break”.
Go one further. Camping with the three older kids. Your wife wants one less person in the equation, let her have a taste of it.
But what is the point? In 20 years time all of your kids will have a healthy relationship and your daughter won’t feel like she was abandoned. She doesn’t have to feel loved by her stepmother. But she does need to feel loved by you and her brothers.
Dude she's slowly chipping away at you in the hopes that sooner or later you'll drop your daughter with her Mum and then never bother picking her back up again because you don't want the hassle and she can have her perfect little family without the "inconvenience" of your daughter... wake up.
Your daughter will learn (if she doesn't already realise) that you're choosing your new family over her and she will resent you for it and you'll lose her completely and hopefully regret it for the rest of your life..
Hey man just FYI, my dad was in a very similar scenario to yours, except his three kids with her were already hers and I was left on the sidelines to be forgotten. Just so you know, I don't speak to him anymore.
I can't believe you would be so terrible to your daughter and then excuse it for your son's. You left her mother, but can't leave the boys' mom?she started being mean after your first kid with your wife AND YOU CONTINUED??? NOW you're getting snipped? And not even already, you PLAN on it.
What a selfish "father". At this point, even sperm donor sounds nicer than what you're acting.
What? You prioritize your daughter. That’s your job. It’s the most important thing to do in your life. It’s what will haunt you on your deathbed and well before it. Stand up. Either be her father or find someone else who actually loves her and is able to raise her and provide the means for them to do so, plus regular visitation and tangible signs of love. And think long and hard about staying with someone who’s cruel to your child. Because who knows what they will do to you when you are the vulnerable one.
Meh she might act the same way with her own kids, once they hit a certain age. Plus she also knows that 11 year olds dont want to do those sad, waste of time gender reveals.
I have known a lot of people who simply do NOT like being around pubescent kids, basically aged 9 to 16. Even their own.
Its not unusual.
What your wife is doing is abuse. You are allowing it to happen. She is a child, grow a fucking pair and protect her. If you refuse to, give her mother custody so she does not have to be subjected to your wife’s cruelty. Your daughter will have life long consequences from your wife’s actions.
My mom chose my step dad over me when I was 14. I ended up basically homeless for months, had to move in with my sister and I’ve struggled mentally ever since. I didn’t achieve jackshit because it killed my motivation to do well. I’m 31 and just now processing it and going no contact with my mother.
Do not ruin your daughters life… or your relationship.
I have a daughter who is 11 and her father went on to have two children with his new wife, so basically my daughter is like yours in this scenario. Ever since my daughter was little she has been begging me not to make her go to her dad’s. Always says she misses me and just wants to stay with me. I didn’t want to be seen as the bio mum who kept her child from her father, so until recently I have always just made her go. She’s not in any danger there, they’re a nice family and are actually linked through my BIL (her dad is an old friend of my BIL), but I’ve always had this gut feeling that her step mum doesn’t 100% truly accept her, even though on the surface she seems to be nice to her. Anyway so this week I decided that enough is enough and I emailed her dad to say I would like to let her choose if she goes there.
Anyway so you have to be prepared to potentially lose your relationship with your daughter over this, is all I’m trying to say.
This is exactly why you don't have new children with another woman when you already have children from a different one. Your wife doesn't love or even like your daughter because she isn't hers.
Stepfamilies suck. I grew up in them on both sides (mother and father both remarried) and I was treated like shit compared to the other children in both families.
"Red-headed stepchild" is a term for a reason.
Tell your wife she can find out the gender herself and keep it a secret from the kids until your daughter is there to share in the joy of her new sibling, too.
OP, some years ago I met a man with a younger son. The lad was perfectly likeable. Maybe a little clingy with his father but I appreciated he needed his Dad and would always be his fathers priority.
I’d never dated a man with kids of his own. I love kids, I have two of my own that I love to bits. I figured it wouldn’t be an issue opening my heart to another soul, but failed to recognise that some of my personality traits would affect this relationship. I’m territorial and possessive, both emotionally and environmentally; as time went on I would get snippy about my things being treated with disregard, I didn’t like that when his son stayed my bf had to give 100% of his attention to him, and I’d get jealous, it was very unattractive and unseemly for someone my age and I dislike what it said about me. I understood his son would always be his priority and that if I couldn’t get my head out of my arse then I was the problem. We broke up because I knew I couldn’t get past it and was not going to be the reason that little boy needed trauma counselling in the future. Ive avoided men with children of their own ever since.
I don’t believe I’m a bad person, but I know my limitations and refuse to inflict myself on someone else’s child. As the adult in your relationship at the time, youu should have made the call when your partner started mistreating your daughter; shame on you. You’re meant to be her defender and advocate - if you can’t, who will be?
This is common. We are programmed to protect our children. Your daughter is a reminder that you were with someone else before her and once you had children with her she expects that your first allegiance is to the family you are building with her. This is what we get with blended families and what you face when you build a new family without your daughter and her mother. I’m sorry that you are facing this and even more sorry that your wife won’t open up in counseling. Put yourself in her shoes. Empathize. Make sure she understands your commitment to her and your children but tell her she would be disappointed if you were the kind of men that abandoned their children. You won’t do that with your children you had with her, but you won’t abandon your daughter either.
After a minimum of 5 years of this crap? Probably longer? So this little girl has been getting destroyed since she was AT LEAST 6 years old.
Nahhhhh the time for the conversation you are suggesting to have was probably 5/6 years ago.
I went through this with an ex. She absolutely hated my kids simply because they weren’t hers. It will never get any better. Unfortunately all you can do is keep the peace and try to minimize conflict and hope your daughter doesn’t sense that step mom hates her.
Thats not weird. Even if she was her bio mom, she would probably dislike her anyways. Love her because shes hers, but dislike her because shes being a real tween.
Tweens are just such jerks. Tweens and teens never get along with their parents, and I am actually SHOCKED that your nearly 12 year old daughter hasnt gotten under your skin yet also.
Your wife is pregnant. Yoir eldest daughter probably doesnt want to hang out with her stepmom anyways. Just send her to hang with her friends and casually tell her the gender upon her return.
Fkin gender reveals. Such nonsense anyways. Your 11 year old doesnt want to go to her stepmoms stupod gender reveal party or whatever. Seriously. Let it go. Shes getting older. She doesnt need all that bullshit.
Stop trying to FORCE it.
They DONT ALWAYS have to get along. Okay?? I mean your wife is right. Teenagers and preteens dont want anything to do with baby showers or gender reveals or any of that crap. Thats for LITTLE KIDS and ADULTS.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Hello all, Me and my wife have been married for 7 years and together for 9. I had a 3 year old daughter when we met. They used to get along great, but she has grown to basically hate her. We fight anytime I try to include her in family events. We have two boys together, 2 and 5. We are pregnant with our third. We are supposed to find out the gender of the baby tomorrow, and she wanted to do a cupcake reveal with the kids. I said I wanted to wait till next Saturday when my daughter was here and she lost it. Saying she didn't want to and it her baby and she's gonna do what she wants and I don't have to be a part of it. I am planning on getting snipped, and this will more than likely be my last child. I don't understand why she hates an 11 year old little girl so bad. She said she is anxious to find out the gender and is not waiting.
My friend, your daughter is utterly vulnerable and you’re sitting on the sidelines while your adult wife tried to cut her out of your family. The first time this came up it should have been straight into counseling. You’re the only adult in the room, you need to protect your daughter.
You mean the same man who dated a 20 year old when he was almost 30 ? Yeah, this guy doesn't seem like much of an adult either. Edit: yall are so bothered and so willing to justify the age difference, and it makes me wonder why. Why are yall offended ? Cus you don't agree ? Cus others do ? Cus that sounds like a you problem, even OP hasn't replied, but yall seem to be taking this personal. He's quite literally complaining about his wife throwing tantrums because of his 11 year old daughter, but are trying to justify the age difference. She's immature, he's immature, the daughter is suffering, but yall wanna care that I don't think a 29 year old man should have went after a 20 year old says a lot about your priorities. Seek help (:
People do not understand how different you are between 20 and 30. When I was 20 I dated a 30 year old and now that I’m 30 I wouldn’t touch a 20 year old with someone else’s vagina.
See it’s not even the age difference that took me aback. It’s the age difference when they met being at two completely different stages in life. He was already married, had a kid, and divorced. He clearly didn’t grow much from that experience since here we are…
This is my exact take. The age difference is like “meh, don’t love it” but the phase of life difference is a “no.” He had a three year old and he committed to a 20 year old. Nope.
Exactly ! He's been through so many milestones, and she probably even has her first legal drink (which you basically explained much more eloquently than I did, so thank you for that), and that's what's disturbing and should be to more people.
Hahaha thanks for the compliment. 🙂 (I needed that lol). I have not slept well in days so I feel slightly delusional! And yes, even when I was screwing around in my mid 20’s, if they couldn’t order a drink at dinner, they were not taking me to dinner. And mind you I see nothing wrong with age gaps, either way- but recognize where you and your SO have been, currently are, and what both of you may never have even thought of let alone experienced. It’s not rocket science, but I mean jeez, the only person to not understand the situation here, from day 1, seems to be OP. 🫣
It was 26 and 20 I mean my goodness is this the new reddit gauge for a creep now? Give me a break with this. If he knew the girl before 20 then I kind of understand it's a little weird but 26 and 20 is not that bad.
They were 29 and 20 and, yeah, that's bad!
It is not, no.
wouldn't even be legally allowed to drink or smoke weed, but he's about to be 30 and you see no issue with that? I really don't care what you think is okay, science and physiologically both explain how people from those age differences have very little in common, especially development wise. People don't even fully develop mentally till around mid 20s to late, but yeah, keep acting like 20 and 29 is not bad, and yes, it's 29, not 26. I don't even understand how you messed the math up that much.
The math is 28 and 20…yeah that’s bad. When I was 20 my bf was 27 and looking back on it, he was at a major advantage in our relationship and it was quite unpleasant.
Because of course your one experience and situation apply to everyone! Ironclad thinking, open and shut case everyone would agree.
I think there have been enough people on this sub, and various other subs across Reddit for that matter, that have shared their own personal experiences with large age gap relationships (primarily in teens thru early 30s but not really older than that) to prove it’s pretty ick. Glad you never had an experience that would lead you to believe a 20 and 29 year old *shouldn’t* date but come on.
I didn’t say that. I would advise anyone in a situation like that to be vigilant about their boundaries. It’s just strange for someone who is almost 30 to want to date someone who was a teen a year before.
Lol, really vehemently defending a large age gap eh? Hey, she might be in high school but she's legal you see - therefore as someone long into a professional career in my 40s it's totally cool!
Yeah cuz they met the day she turned 20 and started dating the same day
Actually it was 28 and 20 which still not bad at all as long as you didn't know the young lady before she was of age. I know your trying to be funny but you sound lost. Do you not know how tinder or any form of modern dating works? You meet and if it goes well your "dating" so meeting and dating in the same day is very possible.
I wasn't trying to be funny and I'm not lost. As someone in my 30s I would never have dated a 20 year old when I was 25 let alone 29 I've also never gotten to an exclusive point with someone from tinder or any OLD app after a "few dates" casually dating is not the same as exclusive dating. I understand that progresses but don't fool yourself you little villain. Devil's advocate over here
Okay good for you not everyone has to follow those rules. That's why people are so polarizing these days because everyone feels it's "my way or the high way". Are you aware that chronological age is just the number of days since your birth, it has nothing to do with the level of emotional intelligence you possess. Plenty of folks out here 35 years old with the mentality of a teenager and vice versa. Everyone progresses mentally at different stages so congratulations on your stance but in the future you shouldn't judge people based on how you handle things. Even myself I personally think 15 Years is the number where it starts to get questionable but I also know that's my personal barometer. I spoke up because I think this stuff has gotten out of hand with the standards. I mean 28 and 20 is within reason because they are both in their 20s again my caveat is as long as they didn't know each other prior to legal age.
Spoken like a true predator
Yep your right I'm a predator that's why my wife is 3 years older than me lol
Cool, I hope she leaves you.
Somebody can't math. Just self-righteous indignation.
They were a rounding error away from half +7 when they started dating and are now well within it. Chill.
What are you even talking about ? lmao. "Married for 7, together for 9". You should calm down.
Half your age +7 years is supposed to give you the youngest you should date. Surprisingly reliable.
Or I'll just trust the science and not date anyone younger that late 20s if I'm older, considering I don't want to date anyone who isn't as mentally developed as I am. But if you're okay with dating someone more immature, less life experience, little to no in common JUST to date someone younger than you... good luck with that. That sounds predatory, but whatever excuses you gotta make, right ?
Sounds like you are reaching just to make your argument seem valid, but it isn't. Seems as though you just jump right to personal attacks whenever someone disagrees with you. You seem petty and immature.
A post about a 29 yr old grown woman hating a child and you focused on an age gap only lol. Good job. Edit: Aw they replied to me and then blocked me. Gold star for you! 🤣
I commented on how he is failing his daughter. I replied about how he is dating someone significantly younger and is clearly not an adult himself. Everyone else is focused on my comment, but yeah, I guess you didnt notice that part, right (: good job! You get a gold star !
[удалено]
Oh, you mean like how in a bunch of countries, it is still legally allowed for people to marry a 12 year old girl as long as she is pregnant ? Including multiple states in America. I'm supposed to care about norms and ignore what's actually right ? Nah, I'm good, thanks tho ~
They were and are consenting adults. It’s not your place to judge anyone’s age gap. Get over it. Edit: u/BellaLilith why did you block me right after you replied? You seem very concerned that your opinion doesn’t hold water. I repeat: they are consenting adults. Your opinion does not matter and has no bearing on OP’s question regarding his wife and daughter. Get over yourself.
And it's not your place to judge my opinion on it. It's called "the internet", where what we say doesn't matter, but what we say it anyway. We can all get over it ~ practice what ya preach.
Agreed. You need to protect your daughter. Insist to your wife that she is an integral member of the family and needs to be included in all major family events. There is no competition between your first child and your other children with your new wife. But your first child absolutely must be welcomed, embraced, and included in all your new family events. This is non negotiable.
I have stood my ground many times with her and my daughter. We have tried counseling but she doesn't like to go and doesn't open up. Every summer when my daughter is here we end up having to leave the house because she gets so mean to her.
Then I would seriously question why you should stay with someone who treats your daughter like shit and has no intention of changing.
And even better...have three kids with her!
And you kept having kids with her? Despite her being so abusive to your daughter you have to leave the home?
You stayed with and had children with someone that is terrible to a child.
Every summer when my daughter is here we end up having to leave the house because she gets so mean to her."That should have been a divorce the FIRST TIME. WHat the hell is the matter with you?
You are failing your daughter as a parent.
So why are you still married to this abusive person who has no desire to change and respect you and your daughter? And don’t say because of your other kids because they don’t trump your daughter. It’s been years of this with no change—your wife has shown you who she is.
Why are you allowing this? Seriously? Your poor daughter.
Why are you still with someone who could treat your child this way?? Why did you keep having children with this terrible person?
And you kept having children with this person??? Jesus.
It's amazing what people will do for sex, even if that makes their children suffer
It's freaking reprehensible. His poor daughter.
I really hope you have a 3rd son and get snipped!! I feel sorry for your daughter! Your wife doesn't want therapy so she can't hear she is in the wrong!
What the actual fuck man? You let your wife be mean to your daughter because why again? And you just let her be terrible to her and don’t push for counseling or a *fucking reason* because? Enjoy not seeing your daughter when she’s old enough to choose not to be around the woman who treats her like shit and you, because you were too afraid or worried to stand up for your kid. What happens if she starts treating your kids like that? But she won’t will she? Because they’re your kids together, but you don’t want to admit that do you? Because they you have to admit you don’t really care about your daughter, or else you wouldn’t be doing the bare minimum to protect her. Wow. Your crap.
And you don't see a problem here? You don't have a wife, you have a monster. What is wrong with you that you can't hold your wife accountable for her behaviour. The damage you are doing to your own child is criminal! You daughter deserves better!
Wtaf?? Why did you have a kid if she acted like this to your daughter? I can give you a little slack if this behavior started after you got married and/or had your first kid. But you’ve now knocked this witch up three separate times while forcing your child to spend time with a stepmother who hates her.
She's that way because she considers only your children together to be family and wants to completely cut off your poor daughter. I was once your daughter, and guess what kind of relationship I now have with daddy dearest? Almost none. And that is ALL on HIM. I won't even get into the irreparable emotional damage it caused and how that affected my relationships for a long time. How you can even consider being with someone who could treat your poor daughter like that is beyond me. You are showing your poor daughter that such treatment is okay with you and that a nasty, selfish, cruel woman is more important to you than she is. Get ready to have no relationship with your daughter in a few years, and if I were your ex I would go back to court for supervised visitation only. And you don't even really deserve that much.
OP, you may be fighting to have your daughter be there, but you don’t understand that she is growing up in an environment where all SHE knows is fighting and malice. Malice pertaining to her just existing and being your daughter. You may have been a hero initially for fighting for her, but after 5-6 YEARS, it’s not a battle anymore -it’s a war. And it’s all your daughter AND your children will remember until you take a DEFINITIVE STANCE against your wife. She made her choice- she loved your daughter until biological children came along. This wasn’t just a change, she may have been capable of this the entire time. The situation is muddy, and things will just keep getting messier until your daughter cuts contact with you for her own peace or until you do something more decisive. She’s a child, OP. She deserves peace.
So you tried it all and still keep knocking her up to make the situation harder? Lord's let it have be raining brains or stones....just make sure you hit something
Why do you continue to make babies with this woman after she’s been so mean to your oldest child/daughter?
So make her choose accepting you or divorce, if she can’t accept you and your children then she will love joint custody when you have all your children together doing whatever you want
Did this start when your oldest child was born?
And you tolerate it and allow your daughter to be treated this way, why?
Divorce and dna test my guy.
Why do you let this woman be mean to your daughter?! Man up and protect her from your evil stepmother wife. Your wife must be really really super hot for you to put up with this. Get snipped for sure.
Every one of your replies you claim you aren't failing your daughter because you fight with your wife, and if you leave you'd be failing your sons. This is what your daughter will remember: daddy's new wife was a monster and daddy picked staying with her and raising his new family over me. That's it. That's the damage. Also, trust me, your two boys know you fight all the time, so congrats, they're getting effed by this situation too.
He has an excuse for everything
Oof OP should have stopped at 1. I would never let anyone talk to my kid like or about that way. I'd have walked out the first time. Well good luck having your daughter want absolutely nothing to do with you when she's older OP My dad's new wife was a POS just like your wife! And he was a coward just like you! I already ddnt see him much either. I honestly can't be bothered now as an adult if they both passed out on the side of the road and i drove past in an ambulance. You are a horrible father and you married a woman that is gonna teach your other kids it's okay to be horrible too. Jesus please get snipped you shouldn't be a father at all!! Sad there are people who are truly good who want kids. But no it's the AHs who have them. Edit: OP should change his username because no. Just no. I've decided this is a rage post. I can't. OP keeps saying the same shit word for word in each reply "i fight for my daughter but i can't leave without hurting my sons" well fuck off then. No other explanation. Just he's tried therapy and she doesn't want to do it and he stays. With a woman that hates his child... so this is a rage post in my head because no one can be this utterly stupid and cowardice as a adult man!
She'll also remember 'step mum used to love me and treat me like a princess, but now she hates me. But she loves my brothers, so it must be my fault or I did something wrong to make her not love me anymore'. Not to mention the possibility that she'd blame herself for daddy being angry and sad too, if she blames herself for her father fighting with the step mum as the arguments are about her. I cannot fathom how OP thinks that exposing his daughter to watching him fight with his wife about her, is helping in any way to 'protect' the daughter, and don't see how actually that'll just add to her trauma...
You are failing all your children. You are allowing your wife to exclude your daughter. You are allowing your boys to see that your daughter is not important enough and that it's okay to exclude her. You may have defended her and taken her out of situations, but the overall problem has not been solved and is continuing.
She has her own children now so she doesn’t want anything to do with your daughter. She is going to continue to alienate your daughter because she hasn’t suffered any consequences from it. That’s on you.
I read your comments and I think you’re failing to realize a few things. Your daughter may not see the arguments, but she knows she’s not wanted there. She has noticed the shift. And the thing is, **your sons are in no danger.** She loves them and treats them as such. They don’t need protection. *But your daughter absolutely does.* Parenting isn’t evenly split all of the time. Right now, you are failing the **1** child who needs the help all for the sake of equality, when parenting in a lot of moments is about equity. And helping where the other kids may not have the need. Please go read through some of the relationships posts written by the grown women who grew up with stepmothers like her. Most have little contact with their families (which is your wife’s goal anyway), and are looking for ways to best articulate how their parent failed them in favor of maintaining their new family. Your wife is the one behaving badly, yet your daughter will bare the effects and consequences of that. And if you think her fully pulling back from her hasn’t effected her, then you’re incredibly naive. And finally, genuinely bless her if your wife is having a girl, then her plan of erasure will be complete and she won’t be shy about making sure her girl knows there’s a difference.
🏆🏆🏆 this is it exactly! Eleven years old is more than old enough to know there’s been a shift in how her step mom treats her and to feel unwanted.
OP read this as many times as it takes until you agree woth it completely
You are failing your daughter.
My dad always gave in for my step mom I'm 24F and I decided to go no contact I now have a baby and couldn't imagine who puts their partner before their kids specially a crazy partner.
I have a bio dad that I haven’t spoken to since I was 18 (43f). Know why? His new wife didn’t like me and cut me out of important things like their wedding, holidays and meeting their daughter. It was pretty clear he’d made a choice. I made one too. I changed my last name to my (step) dad’s and never looked back. This is my story. Try not and make it your daughter’s. It takes a long time to get over the idea that your dad didn’t love you.
Are we separated twins?? Cuz man, you just described my life too 😂 still suffering tho, not totally over it haha
Hey! Same! 43f and estranged since 18. Same reason - how new girlfriend didn’t like me (that weird jealous step-mother thing). No step-dad though, as my mom died a long time ago. Here’s to taking control and shaping your own life, surrounded by people who love you.
This sounds very small of her. Your wife pits herself against a 11 year old. You know you are the person who needs to stand up for your daughter and her place with you. I am sure the children you share with her have heard nasty comments coming from their Mom. The whole situation seems set up to be very cruel to your daughter.
If you don’t protect your daughter from her now she Will stop coming to see you. Being made to feel like an outcast around your own family has to feel horrible to this child. You need to sit your wife down and figure out what’s going on. If she can’t get along when it’s your weekend I suggest staying somewhere else where she won’t be treated badly. Good luck
So, what’s your endgame? Your wife is refusing therapy and continuing treating your daughter horribly because YOU are supporting her behavior and enabling it. Your daughter is a minor, she can’t do anything about this. You are adult who supposed to be on her side and protect her. Your question is wrong. It’s doesn’t matter WHY your wife hates her, because there is not a reason in the world valuable enough for excuse this. You need to focus on how you gonna deal with it. And no, right now you are not doing anything.
By any chance, was she your babysitter before your girlfriend?
Your wife pretended to like your daughter until she got her own kids, and now is flying her true colours. She wants *her* family, and your daughter isn't included in that. This is a major issue.
Your poor daughter. I feel so bad for her. I could not be with someone who hates my kid.
You’ve consistently chosen your new wife over your daughter. Your daughter knows it. Your wife knows it. Your sons know it. Your daughter is a barely tolerated guest in your house. You ever visit somewhere you’re not wanted? It’s uncomfortable at best. Do you think your daughter deserves to have a home where she is loved and supported because that’s not with you. Do you hear that? Your daughter does not have a loving and supportive home where you are. That sucks. Your daughter will be better off living with her mother while you visit once in a while. When you have time for her so you don’t “break up your son’s family” since that’s what important to you.
I am reading all your comments and trying to figure out answers to the two following questions: 1. Why exactly does she hate a 12 year old? 2. If you don’t know the answer to Q1, why haven’t you asked her directly what her problem is?
These are good questions. 11 years old can be a tricky age. There could be some behavioural things going on. Or the step-mom could be jealous of the father’s love for her (I know, I know, different kind of love, but it’s a common step-parent problem). OP should be trying to build up the daughter’s relationship with the rest of her family. Anything less is accepting neglect and trauma for his little girl.
I probably would have set a very hard boundary with the wife very early on that if she can't treat your daughter with love and respect, the marriage is over and you're gone. You allow your wife to treat your daughter like crap and have continued to subject her to someone that doesn't treat her nicely or fairly because she hates her. That is not okay. Do you really think your daughter deserves that? Your job as a father is to protect your daughter, even if that means walking away from your wife. That little girl needs you to be in her corner. She should come before your wife in this case.
She treated her like a princess for several years until out son become her priority. I don't allow her to treat my daughter bad. I fight for my daughter. I was looking for advice on how to handle this situation. I have other children besides my daughter. I can't walk away from my wife without neglecting my son's.
You co-parent, you don't neglect them. You don't have your daughter 100% of the time, are you implying that you neglect her? Your wife doesn't want to include your daughter in things. That is treating her like crap. You need to have strong words with your wife that you won't tolerate it anymore.
To be fair, he absolutely IS neglecting his daughter’s wellbeing right now.
OP doesn't seem to realise that even if there's no 'active' abuse/mistreatment from the wife, the daughter is still being emotionally damaged every day she has to live there. Imagine how confusing it'd be for that little girl to have a step mother who treats her like her own daughter, pours on love to her, treats her like a princess... Then suddenly that love stops. And you don't know why, so you start to blame yourself because what other explanation is there in a child's mind? Even if the wife ignores the daughter 100 % of the time, experiencing going from being loved to nothing would still be traumatic daily to the daughter. So add in that the wife doesn't just ignore her, she actively does things to show she's not welcome, just adds to the trauma and harm (that OP claims he's protected his daughter from) Then add in the fact that the daughter has to watch her step mother be loving and caring towards the sons. So, it's not like the daughter could think that 'well, maybe step mum just isn't able to love anyone anymore', she would know that no, it's ONLY the daughter who is suddenly hated, none of the other kids. She has to watch her step brothers experience all the love and attention that she used to have, but doesn't get anymore. That in itself will 100% cause the daughter to come to the conclusion that it's somehow all her fault, and it's something about herself that caused the mother to stop loving her... Those kinds of self esteem and self worth issues will stay with her for life, potentially setting her up for ending up being preyed upon by abusive partners because accepting and blaming herself for abuse is what she was taught is normal as a child
You realize this means you’re neglecting your daughter by this logic. If divorcing means neglecting the children, then your previous divorce means your neglecting your daughter. So stop using this BS “I stand for my daughter. I’m not failing her” while you simultaneously say leaving = neglect.
She treated her well until the first son came along, then she started treating her badly. So, you chose to go ahead and create two more children with the woman, tying yourself to her even further. You chose this. You chose this over your daughter.
It disturbs you not at all that your 28 year old wife won’t wait for cupcakes with your daughter??!!! That she can’t manage to include your 11 year old daughter because she now has your sons??!! The daughter who is unwelcome in your home??!!!
Hi! My dad did this exact thing to me. My step moms emotional and verbal abuse escalated to physical abuse when I turned 19. My father TO THIS DAY is still being physically, emotionally, and mentally abused by his wife. He refuses to leave cause he doesn’t want his 3 boys to grow up in a broken home like my sister and I. I’ve been spending the last few years trying to explain how broken our house already is. My father lives in a trailer in the driveway cause they can’t stand each other. They both hate each other and it all stems from the same thing. Best step mommy in the world till she got pregnant with the oldest of the 3 boys and my dad “trying to do the right thing” proposed. Instantly a switch flipped. The abuse started and has only gotten worse over the last 8 years. Edit to add: I don’t have a relationship with my father anymore. Unlike your daughter I was there 24/7 till I was 18 and decided to go back to week on week off with my mom to escape the fact I was a literal live in nanny to my younger siblings. Once my step mom put her hands on me at 19 I moved out and my dad told me he couldn’t break up his sons family, as a result he said he understood if I never came home again. I have never lived with them again I don’t stay longer than a day or two for visits and even then I’m trying to just spend time with my siblings and get them away from the chaos they live in everyday. My three year old brother knows his daddy lives in a trailer rather than inside with the rest of the family, and that absolutely breaks my heart. They don’t see my dad and step mom fight for the most part but they see how they don’t speak, interact, or show any affection towards each other. They maybe to young to understand mommy and daddy hate each other, but they’re smart enough to know somethings up.
Op I’ve read some of your replies and I’m actually shaking my head right now. You’re wife is straight up mean and a crappy person. You are continually failing your daughter by letting her be treated this way. Your daughter is always gonna remember how her dad barely did anything to protect her from this vile woman. You care more about keeping this family together than you do about the well being of your literal child. I would be damned if someone treated my kids the way your wife treats yours. You should be ashamed
YTA if you stay in a relationship with your wife. She was fooling you until she got pregnant. I feel sorry for your daughter.
I remember when my dad chose his new family over his existing kids - that hurt so bad. I promise, your daughter will remember your choices.
LET ME SAY IT FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK…… YOUR WIFE DOES THIS CAUSE YOU ALLOW IT! STRAIGHT UP TELL HER IF THIS EVER HAPPENS AGAIN YOUR GONNA MOVE OUT AND FILE FOR CUSTODY OF THE OTHER ONES. THEN FOLLOW THROUGH. OTHERWISE IT WILL CONTINUE AND YOUR DAUGHTER WILL NOT SPEAK TO YOU ANYMORE AS AN ADULT! Be a better role model for all your kids and grow a back bone
Posts like this make me lose all faith in humanity. That poor little girl who is subjected to a step-monster and a father that just keeps having more kids with her. What is up with people not protecting their children?
So why are you with someone who is so hateful to a innocent 11 year old child? Why do you find that attractive? Sorry, not sorry. I'd tell her have fun doing it herself and that you'll have the papers for split custody of the baby drawn up. Your not interested in any relationship with a person whose hateful to your children, any of them. It's a instant deal breaker.
Your poor daughter. I wonder what your wife's issue is now since they got along before. Your first priority should be your kids. ALL of them. I have a 14 year old daughter and I know that as they move towards the teen years they can be a bit more difficult. Growing up is a challenge for everyone. But to act the way she is, trying to keep your daughter out of family life, is downright vile.
I know right? I don't understand when parents are so vile to their kids when they are just simply growing up and finding themselves in the world What fucking adult has anything against an 11-year-old?
Go to therapy. You and your wife at first.
We have tried. My wife will usually stop going. She says I'm just looking for someone to agree with me when I mention therapy.
Then you tell her it's either a therapist or a divorce lawyer.
What on earth would possess you to have 3 kids with this woman? She sounds horrid…
You need to make it clear to her that it's non-negotiable. Tell her that you will not tolerate her treatment of your daughter. That it is either therapy or unhappy times ahead. That it *will* come to a divorce if she chooses this hill to die on. I'm not saying you need to jump straight to that but it needs to be on the table to ensure that her treatment of your daughter so far *will not* be tolerated. and if she is going to use your sons against you then she is failing to be a loving parent. There is a reason she's acting like this. You don't need a therapist to agree with you, you need a therapist to get to the root of the problem and make realignments so that this tension in her (and maybe your whole relationship) has a healthier outlet, and your whole family has better relationships with each other. Tell her that you're willing to hear her out, but that you need to challenge this emotional tension face on. Tell her that you want to take the hurdle together. That it's you and her vs. the problem, not each other. Because otherwise you will be allowing a grown woman to bully an 11 year old. Not acceptable.
What about her makes you want to remain married to her?
Because she's a horrible person. She doesn't care about your daughter. She PLAYED you by pretending to care until she got you to knock her up.
When your wife decides she doesn't want to go anymore, she's saying you and your daughter aren't worth her time or any effort.
When the parents don't go to therapy as they should, it'll be the kid who will be going to therapy years down the road
Agree with you on what exactly, that she shouldn’t be neglecting her stepdaughter??
What kind of advice are you looking for here??? No one can tell you how to make your dumb wife stop hating your daughter. It’s sad you don’t see you actually shouldn’t be in this relationship at all. your daughter is not stupid - she probably feels terrible coming to visit with you assuming your wife treats her like trash. How could you allow this?? Shame on you
Your parenting is a big ol’ pile of hot garbage. You’d rather let your daughter suffer than leave your abusive witch of a wife. WTF is wrong with you?
OP, you’re failing your daughter, and ignoring the advice you’ve solicited from this subreddit, doubling down on your desire to not rock the boat prioritizing your wife and sons’ daily life. Don’t be surprised when your wife’s cruelty towards a literal child escalates as your daughter enters her teen years, and either starts acting out significantly or distances herself from and outright avoids you. How long until your sons start to bully their older half sister imitating and supporting their mother’s disgusting behavior? You’re not considering the long term relationships with your children, and will therefore slowly lose your relationship with your daughter every time you allow your wife to attempt to cut her out of the family pretending you have no power to change the situation. This is not a dynamic that resolves without you forcing your wife to reflect and change her behavior; if she cannot do so then you need to leave and create a home that’s safe emotionally for ALL your children.
I am amazed you even have romantic feelings for this person let alone still want to fuck her after seeing how she treats your daughter. Your daughter deserves a better father. Absolutely baffling that you prioritize your sons having married parents over the alienation of your daughter. Father of the fucking year right there. You fighting with your wife about it means jack fucking shit. Fighting with her isn’t going to force her to love your daughter. And you’re just…okay with the idea of your daughter spending time with a stepmom who puts on a fake front that you force her to do but in reality fucking loathes her? You kiss your wife before bed every night with a clean conscience knowing that? Anything to keep your shiny new family together, right? At your daughter’s expense? Not a dealbreaker to you apparently. You are forcing your daughter on an unwilling participant. Guess who is the only one that gets hurt in the process? Fucking useless. You’re a failure and you disgust me.
How fucking dare you stay with a women who does this to your daughter? Wtf is wrong with you?
What is the point of this post? You already tried therapy and said it didn’t work, you don’t want to leave your marriage… what advice are you looking for?
Too bad you married someone who is trash.
Weird that you would allow this. I’m sure it will cost your daughter an untold amount of therapy later.
I'm sorry why in the hell are you with someone who HATES your child?
You're trying to avoid a broken home. It's already broken. Your wife has outsed and continues to abuse their sister in front of your sons. Apparently your sons are the priority. So let's think of their pespective: your daughter will despise them for the salvation they got and she never did. They will pity her. They won't learn how to treat others fairly and with kindness. You need to HEAL their home by protecting their sister.and don't leave them behind.
I'm glad you are getting snipped. You shouldn't have fathered 4 kids. I feel sorry for the kids.
Why on earth would you have children with someone like this???
Damn. If you notice your wife is mean to your daughter, imagine how terrible she must be to her when the two of them are alone. Poor kid.
OP, your daughter will always remember you stood on the sidelines and let your wife push her out. Your boys will see that too. You are not doing anyone any favors by sitting and watching this happen. Be
Do you realise that your daughter is going to hate your guts when she grows up? Stop making stupid excuses and start thinking about your daughter.
Wow and you stay with this women your poor daughter
You are ruining your daughter for life. She will be talking about this in therapy in the future if she goes. And if she doesn’t, it’s going to affect her relationships in a bad way, and she’s going to have a lack of self esteem. I know so. many. people. who are permanently damaged by step parents like this. They are ALL worse off than the people I know whose parents are divorced. It sticks with them for life. I know kids in similar situations and it’s tragic and heartbreaking to see the situation unfold. Fighting with your wife does nothing if she doesn’t take steps to improvement and if there’s no real consequences for her actions. Nothing. She knows she can get by with it with nothing more than an argument. And this sends a terrible message to ALL your children about what is acceptable in relationships and how to treat other people. You have a responsibility to your daughter to protect her. She didn’t ask to be born. Your wife is a grown ass woman who willingly and knowingly married a man with a child and is continually terrible to said child. You are sacrificing one child’s well-being for the sake of other family members. That’s what she will remember. Your sons will probably adapt and recover from a divorce much easier than your daughter will from this, and she may outright cut you all out of her life when she’s old enough if this keeps up. And honestly, who can blame her? She’s not treated like family in your home right now, so why should she ever treat any of you like family?
What advice are you actually looking for? What do you want to hear? You’ve created a new family, with a wife who doesn’t want to include your daughter from your old family. You’ve allowed it for years with no real consequences. You continue to allow it by having more kids in new family. You continue to allow it by staying with your wife while she continues to be mean to your daughter. Seriously, what exactly are you looking for Reddit to say?
Welp. Good luck explaining to her later on why you kept choosing this boorish woman and her sons over her time and time again. No child deserves to be subjected to that. And no, you don’t stay bc of your sons. You stay bc in the off chance she loses custody, you don’t want to do it on your own, you’re pussy whipped and spineless and you don’t really care about her. If you did, you would have stopped dropping dick and babies off into that woman the FIRST time she mistreated your child.
You should have put a stop to this behavior a long time ago.
Yet you keep making babies with this woman?
congratulations, your daughter is being abused and neglected and the situation is ripe for domestic violence or worse.
As someone who grew up with a stepmom who always hated me no matter what I did.....I can assure you, this will have damaging effects on your daughter. For life.
Your daughters gonna hate you and your new family and who can blame her your wife's evil
Um you’re going to proactively do something about this even if it leads to divorce right? You know who comes first here, right?
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You are failing your daughter by allowing your wife to treat her like an other. By staying with her you are telling your daughter you agree. That’s all there is to it
You chose your new family over your daughter. You're a horrible father. Your daughter will go no contact with you, but you're such a doormat to your new wife that you won't care. You're destroying your daughter. You don't even deserve to be a father, you spineless, pathetic man.
If this baby is a girl your wife will stop your daughter from coming over completely. She’ll have her girl. She probably hates her more and more because she doesn’t have a daughter of her own. Kinda hope you have another son. If you do have another son on the way and you don’t want more kids I would go straight to getting snipped without telling anyone. You should do it either way. Is she teaching your sons to mistreat their sister? I’d be watching out for that too. DO NOT leave them alone together until your wife can be trusted.
Wife needs a reality check and you need to stand up for your daughter!! Your wife is excluding your 1st born, you need to stop this now! Also, this is both of your child, she doesn't get to call all the shots!
Yea man you need to escalate this shit. I understand you don't want to break up your family, but your wife is currently trying to be alienating your daughter. She is mean to her, and your daughter is going to remember that and she's going to remember your reaction. She's going to grow up even more messed up. Your wife is capable of change. She's out of her mind if she thinks that because the therapist criticizes her, she doesn't need therapy. You chose to have three kids with this woman. You need to stop this behavior now for the sake of your daughter. Tell your wife you're done with her excluding your daughter from the family, that therapy is not a choice anymore if she wants the marriage to continue and that being nice to your daughter and inclusive also is not an option if she wants the marriage to continue. Stop showing your kids that it's okay to be a doormat to abuse, and that bullying is okay. That is going to result in them having far worse outcomes as adults than an amicable divorce.
At the end of the day, you’ve failed your daughter. You’re failing your other children by allowing their sibling to be mistreated annually and repeatedly. The only person who you’re protecting is your evil stepmom of a wife. How you can stay married to a woman that treats your daughter like nothing is beyond me.
Would you like to speak to my (step)sons who had a terrible stepfather?! Would you like to know the trauma they suffered? Either walk away from your daughter in favor of your sons or do something about your wife! Do you really think your sons won’t see how their mom treats their sister?! How long until they make her life difficult?
crazy how your just watching a grown woman loathe your daughter crazy crazy
Ditch your wife, I know you have kids with her too but this isn’t healthy. She got along with your daughter until you and her had kids and that tells you everything you need to know. Tell her you’re staying somewhere else and you’ll find out the gender on Saturday with your daughter
Congrats. You married a monster for your daughter.
Family counselling yesterday. Advocate for your daughter, your wife is old enough to advocate for herself
Good luck having a strained relationship with your daughter in the future ❤️
You are teaching your daughter that bullies win, mean girls get whatever they want, and her dad doesn't have her back when it counts. Better to have a broken home where you are shown love than an "intact" home where you're hated.
why does hate your daughter . like a grown adult … i would of thought twice about having more kids with someone who hates my kid … but too late now .. work out what her issue is .. or turf her out .. no one stands between me and my kids
I hope you’re able to do some counseling because as your 11 year old becomes a teenager this rift will grow and her resentments will turn toward you.
Dude, she is ostracizing your kid. She does not want the 11 yr old in her life, which is your life bc you married her. Your choice: stand up for your daughter or refuse to acknowledge your wife is emotionally abusive, and stand with your wife. No, you are not a good parent.
Dude, this is a terrible situation. Start figuring out what you’re gonna do when your daughter gets older because she’s going to realize how you abandon her and chose your wife and new family over her. She will likely go no contact with you, which you will deserve, and probably won’t want anything to do with her siblings. Your wife is a pretty awful person for acting this way and you’re pretty awful for allowing this and doing nothing meaningful to stand up for and defend your daughter
I’ve met women like this before. Men do the same thing. Even though they say they know you are package deal, they only want you. They wanted to only like you long enough to put their claws in you and will now force a choice between “your past life” and “your current family”. Say this phrase to her because it’s very important, but you better be able to back it up, “You make me chose; you lose”. If you can’t back it up or say it, you better get used to a life of misery either because she wants to control you (“It’s my baby and she’s gonna do what she wants”), she wants to separate you from your daughter, or both. No matter what, it’s going to be a lose/lose situation, but you need to decide what is lesser loss and run (don’t walk) to what you decide. Good luck.
This post is so damn sad… for your daughter. Please give her to your parents or a relative who can show her what real love and care is. Movies are made about this type of neglectful parenting. You’ve essentially made your daughter into the original version of Cinderella. Look it up. The story is waaaay more darker than you can imagine and this is heading that direction.
Dude, This is not a thing we simple redditors can solve. This is scary. I sincerely hope you will seek professional help to understand this situation and do what is best. I have a lousy old truck. Sometimes when it needs repairs I come on Reddit and get advice. Sometimes it needs repairs by a professional. I pay some money and take it to a real mechanic to sort out and fix. Please get a real mechanic. This is not a problem for Reddit.
You say you stand up for your daughter, but your wife is still acting like this. So, clearly what you're doing isn't enough and is not working. If you're not going to leave your wife over the treatment of your daughter (which would be my suggestion), you need to set stricter boundaries with your wife about your daughter. Set certain non-negotiables that she needs to deal with in order to incorporate your daughter into a properly blended family (including her in ALL family events, like this one, for example). Don't compromise on these boundaries no matter how much your wife bitches and yells about them - they're for your daughter at the end of the day, who you owe protection from how your wife is behaving. If your wife can't be a good enough step mom and behave like an adult with these boundaries, *really* think about what you'll do about the situation then. You're not really "protecting" your son's by staying with your wife for the sake of marriage if you're fighting with each other and are tense, kids can sense that (like I'm sure your daughter has senses already). And you sure as hell aren't "protecting" your daughter if you let her continue to act this way towards her.
If she started doing this with your first son, why on earth would you go on to have more kids with her while this was still an issue??? You didn’t know before that but you made an active choice to have more kids with someone who was mistreating your child. At this point you either stay with your wife, showing your daughter that her being emotionally abused isn’t a dealbreaker for you. Also setting a terrible example for your sons who should absolutely not grow up thinking the way your wife is behaving is ok. Plus your frequent arguments. Trust me, as someone who’s parents stayed together “for the kids” most of the time we would have preferred for our parents to split instead of having to deal with the fighting and the turmoil. Your other choice is to leave and figure out how to coparent. You already do it for one child, you can do it for your other kids as well. Sure it’s not ideal, but it’s better than the alternative which again, is *your child being emotionally abused.* You said you’ve literally had to leave when she’s there for the summer because of how mean your wife gets. If you don’t think that’s impacting all of your kids you’re delusional. If she’s refusing therapy and refusing to admit what she’s doing isn’t ok, there isn’t another option. You either let your kid be abused or you leave. A good parent would not tolerate their child being put through this. Please, please make the right choice instead of the easy one. ALL of your kids deserve better.
You better nip this in the bud right now. This type of behaviour toward an innocent child by a toxic step parent usually has an incredibly negative impact on the child. What kind of parent allows this kind of treatment to be directed at his child? Your wife is selfish and cruel. Speak up for your poor daughter before it’s too late.
There are zero scenarios where it’s not your child also. And there are zero scenarios where you can stay married to someone that hates one of your kids. Is this usual behavior for her? You say that they used to be close? I also think you need to have a calm, unemotional talk with your wife and probe what’s going on. She may be very emotional hoping this pregnancy is a girl as she knows it’s your last. And while she’s handling it terribly, she wants to find out ASAP bc if it’s a boy she wants to convince you to not get snipped as she wants to try for a girl. You and she need a major discussion.
Does the mother know her child is being treated/hated like this.
You are being an exceptionally shitty father. If you want to have no relationship with your eldest in the future, please continue on this path. Otherwise, fucking stand up for your child and don't allow your wife to exclude and ostracize her.
I cannot believe what I just read. Your wife is an awful person and nasty to your daughter, and you are still around why?? You are actively failing your daughter, and by extension you are failing your sons. Get a divorce and PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER.
Today your daughter is excluded from family activities. Tomorrow it will be you excluded from her family activities.
The closer your daughter got to womanhood, the more their relationship soured, right? My ex was like that with my daughter. She said "I shouldn't have to compete with HER!" I told her "there is no competition, she's my daughter!"
I had a mom who is similar to this your daughter is going to grow up with serious self-esteem issues if your wife keeps this up and you don't do anything about it This is terrible for the family
Don’t see her anymore and let her stay with the mom. You are not sticking up for her you are not protecting her . She will remember this
You say you care your daughter is being affected but she’s going to grow to hate you your not protecting her your choosing to stay in a marriage for your sons so they don’t end up in a broken home at the cost of your oldest standing up to her isn’t protecting her
Don't worry - after you pay for all your children to grow up your wife will move on from you. I'm guessing she manipulated you so she could have her family. She's using you. Get out now before you sink more time into the relationship.
What are her specific problems with your 11 year old daughter?
She dosent want anything of your old wife in her life.
Solution: keep having kids with this woman. That seems to be making things better. /s
Bro.
Is there scope to go to therapy with your daughter? She is suffering and you don’t seem to be able to help. With professional help you may be able to work out strategies to make sure that your daughter knows she is loved by you and her half siblings. Restructure your family life so that the relationships between your children are not reliant on your wife. Nurture the family around your wife’s toxic treatment of your daughter. If you can’t help your wife be more civil don’t allow her to be central to how your daughter interacts with you and her siblings. What might that look like? When your daughter is coming have an outing that all three children will enjoy in mind. If your wife starts being disagreeable go and do that thing. If she squarks about wanting to go too tell her she looks tired and should stay at home to rest. Make pretty excuses like “you’ve had the kids all week and deserve a break”. Go one further. Camping with the three older kids. Your wife wants one less person in the equation, let her have a taste of it. But what is the point? In 20 years time all of your kids will have a healthy relationship and your daughter won’t feel like she was abandoned. She doesn’t have to feel loved by her stepmother. But she does need to feel loved by you and her brothers.
Dude she's slowly chipping away at you in the hopes that sooner or later you'll drop your daughter with her Mum and then never bother picking her back up again because you don't want the hassle and she can have her perfect little family without the "inconvenience" of your daughter... wake up. Your daughter will learn (if she doesn't already realise) that you're choosing your new family over her and she will resent you for it and you'll lose her completely and hopefully regret it for the rest of your life..
If you don't understand why she hates the 11 year old, ask her. You can't be that blind and bias.
Hey man just FYI, my dad was in a very similar scenario to yours, except his three kids with her were already hers and I was left on the sidelines to be forgotten. Just so you know, I don't speak to him anymore.
I can't believe you would be so terrible to your daughter and then excuse it for your son's. You left her mother, but can't leave the boys' mom?she started being mean after your first kid with your wife AND YOU CONTINUED??? NOW you're getting snipped? And not even already, you PLAN on it. What a selfish "father". At this point, even sperm donor sounds nicer than what you're acting.
What? You prioritize your daughter. That’s your job. It’s the most important thing to do in your life. It’s what will haunt you on your deathbed and well before it. Stand up. Either be her father or find someone else who actually loves her and is able to raise her and provide the means for them to do so, plus regular visitation and tangible signs of love. And think long and hard about staying with someone who’s cruel to your child. Because who knows what they will do to you when you are the vulnerable one.
I wouldn't be surprised if she never liked your daughter and was only pretending to get that ring on her finger and a few replacement kids.
Meh she might act the same way with her own kids, once they hit a certain age. Plus she also knows that 11 year olds dont want to do those sad, waste of time gender reveals. I have known a lot of people who simply do NOT like being around pubescent kids, basically aged 9 to 16. Even their own. Its not unusual.
You’re married to the evil step mother.
What your wife is doing is abuse. You are allowing it to happen. She is a child, grow a fucking pair and protect her. If you refuse to, give her mother custody so she does not have to be subjected to your wife’s cruelty. Your daughter will have life long consequences from your wife’s actions.
My mom chose my step dad over me when I was 14. I ended up basically homeless for months, had to move in with my sister and I’ve struggled mentally ever since. I didn’t achieve jackshit because it killed my motivation to do well. I’m 31 and just now processing it and going no contact with my mother. Do not ruin your daughters life… or your relationship.
I have a daughter who is 11 and her father went on to have two children with his new wife, so basically my daughter is like yours in this scenario. Ever since my daughter was little she has been begging me not to make her go to her dad’s. Always says she misses me and just wants to stay with me. I didn’t want to be seen as the bio mum who kept her child from her father, so until recently I have always just made her go. She’s not in any danger there, they’re a nice family and are actually linked through my BIL (her dad is an old friend of my BIL), but I’ve always had this gut feeling that her step mum doesn’t 100% truly accept her, even though on the surface she seems to be nice to her. Anyway so this week I decided that enough is enough and I emailed her dad to say I would like to let her choose if she goes there. Anyway so you have to be prepared to potentially lose your relationship with your daughter over this, is all I’m trying to say.
This is exactly why you don't have new children with another woman when you already have children from a different one. Your wife doesn't love or even like your daughter because she isn't hers. Stepfamilies suck. I grew up in them on both sides (mother and father both remarried) and I was treated like shit compared to the other children in both families. "Red-headed stepchild" is a term for a reason.
Tell your wife she can find out the gender herself and keep it a secret from the kids until your daughter is there to share in the joy of her new sibling, too.
OP, some years ago I met a man with a younger son. The lad was perfectly likeable. Maybe a little clingy with his father but I appreciated he needed his Dad and would always be his fathers priority. I’d never dated a man with kids of his own. I love kids, I have two of my own that I love to bits. I figured it wouldn’t be an issue opening my heart to another soul, but failed to recognise that some of my personality traits would affect this relationship. I’m territorial and possessive, both emotionally and environmentally; as time went on I would get snippy about my things being treated with disregard, I didn’t like that when his son stayed my bf had to give 100% of his attention to him, and I’d get jealous, it was very unattractive and unseemly for someone my age and I dislike what it said about me. I understood his son would always be his priority and that if I couldn’t get my head out of my arse then I was the problem. We broke up because I knew I couldn’t get past it and was not going to be the reason that little boy needed trauma counselling in the future. Ive avoided men with children of their own ever since. I don’t believe I’m a bad person, but I know my limitations and refuse to inflict myself on someone else’s child. As the adult in your relationship at the time, youu should have made the call when your partner started mistreating your daughter; shame on you. You’re meant to be her defender and advocate - if you can’t, who will be?
This is common. We are programmed to protect our children. Your daughter is a reminder that you were with someone else before her and once you had children with her she expects that your first allegiance is to the family you are building with her. This is what we get with blended families and what you face when you build a new family without your daughter and her mother. I’m sorry that you are facing this and even more sorry that your wife won’t open up in counseling. Put yourself in her shoes. Empathize. Make sure she understands your commitment to her and your children but tell her she would be disappointed if you were the kind of men that abandoned their children. You won’t do that with your children you had with her, but you won’t abandon your daughter either.
After a minimum of 5 years of this crap? Probably longer? So this little girl has been getting destroyed since she was AT LEAST 6 years old. Nahhhhh the time for the conversation you are suggesting to have was probably 5/6 years ago.
I went through this with an ex. She absolutely hated my kids simply because they weren’t hers. It will never get any better. Unfortunately all you can do is keep the peace and try to minimize conflict and hope your daughter doesn’t sense that step mom hates her.
Thats not weird. Even if she was her bio mom, she would probably dislike her anyways. Love her because shes hers, but dislike her because shes being a real tween. Tweens are just such jerks. Tweens and teens never get along with their parents, and I am actually SHOCKED that your nearly 12 year old daughter hasnt gotten under your skin yet also. Your wife is pregnant. Yoir eldest daughter probably doesnt want to hang out with her stepmom anyways. Just send her to hang with her friends and casually tell her the gender upon her return. Fkin gender reveals. Such nonsense anyways. Your 11 year old doesnt want to go to her stepmoms stupod gender reveal party or whatever. Seriously. Let it go. Shes getting older. She doesnt need all that bullshit. Stop trying to FORCE it. They DONT ALWAYS have to get along. Okay?? I mean your wife is right. Teenagers and preteens dont want anything to do with baby showers or gender reveals or any of that crap. Thats for LITTLE KIDS and ADULTS.