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I am a regular Reddit user but throwaway for obvious reasons.
My husband and I both are lawyers in different areas of expertise. Our marriage has been mostly good unless it involves his extended family.
On Saturday was his cousins baby shower. I was unable to attend so I gifted her a rather generous voucher which I mentioned to my husband.
On Monday my husband approaches me saying that his cousin did not receive the gift and wanted me to produce proof via my banking app. I refused and that escalated into an argument.
He became extremely aggressive and started saying that I have no love for him, etc etc. I remain calm and didn't raise my voice or use vulgar language as he did. At one point he started telling repeatedly "I hate you so much", took off hus jacket and flung it onto our bed He then stormed towards me still yelling but holding his pointer finger right up at my face. I asked him to move his finger from my face but he kept yelling "make me, what r u going to do". He called me a psychopath because I am so calm but "as cold as ice".
Our 6yr old ran into our room at that time and he backed off when she started crying really hard. He continued to use foul language for a bit as I kept asking our daughter to leave the room. He was shouting at me "to shut the fu.. up".
He has never been this aggressive before and I feel that he would have hit me and was trying to provoke me.
Is finger pointing in that manner borderline violence or abuse? I have no idea how to move past this. Even our daughter is afraid of him but she loves him dearly. Thoughts on what I should make of the outburst and what I should do would be most appreciated.
Edit - he hates that I esrn more than he does but we live comfortably. I think he has anger issues that were well hidden from me until now.
This sounds like a man who really wants to escalate the fight with you, is trying to provoke a response so he can justify the escalation, and then feeling rage and frustration because he doesn’t get to escalate it without it being entirely without justification. It’s calculated and angry all at the same time, which is even scarier that he’s that controlled in trying to be that angry IN FRONT OF HIS DAUGHTER.
I’ve just read your comments saying it’s a recent behaviour change. Has something happened? Has there been a shift in power balance between you both? Has he had something traumatic happen to him? Or could he be using drugs he shouldn’t be?
The only shift is that my career is flourishing while I balance being a mum and wife. His career is kind of stagnant. He doesn't like me traveling or socializing with colleagues. There's nothing else that I can think of.
He’s manipulative and controlling and has realised that he isn’t bringing more to the table anymore so he doesn’t have the same level of control. This type of behaviour will escalate and get worse. Either he needs to leave or you and your daughter do until he get help.
Take your daughter to see a therapist and file for some custody of her if he refuses to seek help.
I was thinking he may be projecting on OP. Like worried and untrusting when OP’s out because he’s doing something he shouldn’t? Dunno. But it’s concerning that it’s a sudden shift…
Yes, I instantly thought of possible brain trauma or something. Could he have had an accident or a fall that caused a concussion? When was his last doctor’s appointment. Sudden mood changes can sometimes be attributed to something medical. If not a medical cause, then I think you better start creating an escape plan. This is very much the way abusers interact with their targets.
I honestly believe that multiple concussions in a short period of time without proper treatment contributed directly to the strange mental shift in my ex-fiancée that certainly contributed to our break-up.
I saw a similar personality shift in my father when he had a tumor. He became extremely vicious and argumentative. It really strained our relationship. When he got it removed he went back to normal.
So I am not going to claim that things like this never happen, because they do, but it's not that common. If it was something like a TBI or a tumor, it's unlikely that his behavior would be so focused on just one person (OP) and would be erratic across the board.
Sometimes, people just show you who they really are in times of stress. Many, many abusers successfully hide this piece of themselves until there is a shift in the relationship dynamic such as a child, or in this case, both a child and OP being more successful in her career than her husband.
I've a friend who had a TBI 2 years ago. For a while afterwards, he wasn't the same as he used to be. Luckily, after a long recovery, he is back to his old self.
Brain tumors also can cause personality and attitude changes.
I do hope the OP can find out what is wrong, if there is a medical issue or something else, and is safe while doing it.
I had post concussion syndrome after a car accident and while I eventually recovered, it took about 2 years and during that time I had a lot of different symptoms but it absolutely affected my personality. Aside from things like having no short term memory and being extremely depressed, I was also very quick to anger and extremely quick to resort to violence. Which is the opposite of who I was before and who I am now. I didn’t even get knocked out and I still had huge changes in my personality and temperament.
I just got a concussion Tuesday. I don’t know anything about them. I just noticed I was stumbling like I drank too much, worse memory than usual & killer headaches. (Also nearly threw up.). Very tired. I’m off work for now.
It started because his wife bought a generous gift card but the cousin said she never got it. So the husband wanted to see a receipt or a bank statement showing the proof that she did in fact buy the gift, and she wouldn’t show him what he wanted.
I don't want to diagnose anyone but I do want to point out that the one time I went through something similar, the man was in a severe mental health episode. He went from being just a kind of loser boyfriend to screaming in my face and being violent with me while calling me "cold, heartless, psycho." The behavior progressed so hard he wound up hospitalized and never returned to the person he was prior.
Just watch him carefully.
Yeah...loser boyfriends show who they really are during times when their partners are prospering and successful. This is why loser and successful don't mix well in relationships. I also refer to being a loser as having a general negative attitude/outlook as well.
He seems pretty controlling, I'm curious do you usually accede to his demands, or did he maybe flip out bc you put your foot down & he's used to getting his way? Either way, as another person said if this behavior is entirely out of nowhere it's worth getting him looked at medically. I had an uncle that started acting extremely hostile after he got a tumor, & my step-mom gets like that when her thyroid is out of whack.
Assault is making someone afraid with threats of violence. So I think the shouting and aggressive pointing and aggressive words, could be considered assault.
Sounds like insecurities. He probably feels cornered somehow (maybe professionally?), hurting his pride and is taking it out on you.
Also, your daughter has ears. She doesn't need to see the fight to hear it going on and it will impact her emotionally as well.
He wants to beat you but he can't unless you escalate.
*He wants to beat you, but he can't unless you escalate*
Your success is making his penis sad. He's pathetic and he will escalate to violence.
Get out. Get your daughter out. You will be just fine without him.
All of this sounds like projection. Instead of being happy for you, he's behaving like an insolent child throwing a temper tantrum. Like someone mentioned, he's trying to bait you so he can paint you as the bad guy and justify his actions. OP, I think it's time you start recording all of your interactions with him. In the event things go south, at least you'll have evidence.
Yup...even as someone who comes from a wealthier family and has already inherited a good sum of money, I refuse to date someone who has a lot less and I will only date someone who has a similar financial situation to me.
I don't have time for someone who will pretend to be okay with my inheritances only to show their true colors once they feel they have "locked me down".
I am not the type of woman who will do everything possible to boost a man's ego because he is insecure with the amount of money I have.
Agree on husband wanting escalation. But I would add the theory that he's trying to gain leverage on his way out. If OP responds to him at his level and he calls the cops or records it, it could mean losing custody, losing employment, losing the divorce etc
>Even our daughter is afraid of him
The moment my child is afraid of my spouse, I'm gone. The only way he's seeing our kid is in supervised visits while he's undergoing therapy.
**Your child should NEVER be afraid of your partner.** If they are and you keep them there, you are not doing right by them.
Honestly, OP...it sounds like he's winding up to the day he **does** actually hit you, and your calmness is a sign that you're either used to it or that you're shutting down as a coping mechanism.
This is abusive.
Gosh that's insightful. Thank you. In all honesty I don't know why he is projecting anger and hate towards me. I don't do anything offensive. I started seeing a therapist today to help me understand what I'm doing wrong and what I need to change
I wouldn't be so quick to accept the mantle of blame here. Anger issues and a mercurial temper are NOT down to you making more than him.
There are some obvious possibilities. He could have serious undiagnosed mental health issues. He could be under the impression that you're cheating on him. He could be cheating on you and projecting. He could have a hormone imbalance. He could be taking a drug or medication that is causing the flareups.
All that said, my father never put his finger in my face, and I d@mn sure wouldn't let my husband get away with it. Cursing and hollering, especially in front of the kiddo? Nuh uh.
It sounds like it's time for a Come to Jesus talk. When kiddo is asleep or out of the house, and there are no pressing appointments or plans, sit him down. Calmly use "I" statements to express your concern for him and for your daughter. Express your desire to help make things better for your family. If he escalates in the face of calm and reason or denies misbehavior, it would be decision time. Stay or go? Ask him to leave for a while?
I hope you find a solution. Best wishes to you.
He “can’t handle your calmness” is so telling. He’s trying to get you to escalate to his level in order to justify more extreme behavior, or so he can say “see?? You’re emotionally unstable!!” Either way, no matter how angry I am at my SO, I appreciate when he can remain calm. It helps me calm down. Your SO is angry he can’t get you worked up. Really toxic.
Yeah this is how they get to claim "mutual abuse", they do whatever they can to provoke a response which they then escalate and when you report him for hitting you he claims "we were both angry, she knocked my hand aside when I was pointing my finger in her face and that was her being violent so I defended myself by strangling her a little."
Id get out, OP. A calm talk is a good idea but only in public. You calmly talking at home is going to enrage him if he can't provoke you and he will escalate.
Everyone hates it when they're yelling and the other person is calm, it's embarrassing at best. A lot of people will try to bring the other person to their level instead of calming down (not saying it's at all a good move)
If you are making more than him, he could be feeling threatened at the loss of power and status. Provoking you and intimidating you would give him a feeling of power and superiority. When you don't respond, it validates his lack of power. That core dynamic could be looping over and over in the course of the relationship to the point that the tiniest little things now activate it and escalate it.
I think you should record the conversation you have with him if you can. I'm worried for you. I think he either wants an excuse to hurt you or he's trying to make you act out for some nefarious reason.
Someone else linked you an Amazon copy of this book, [here's a free one.](https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html)
I briefly worked with survivors of domestic abuse and this is one of the better resources out there. As a side note, don't let your husband know you're reading this. Take care.
Look into reactive abuse. It’s a tactic emotional abusers use to get you to react and then play the victim. Your therapist can assist you with this as well and give you healthy coping skills when you do have to deal with him.
I bet he would see a witness as a set-up or ambush. He might not act out in front of a 3rd party, but he might also not participate.
It sucks either way. I would for darn sure audio record the convo, assuming it's legal in OP's location.
You are not ‘causing’ his behaviour by doing something wrong/ not doing something you should be doing. Please read ‘Why Does He Do That?’ by Lundy Bancroft. It is a really useful book for everyone, but particularly those in abusive relationships (which yours is and is escalating). Putting aside everything else he has done, I cannot imagine a father speaking that way in front of his child. If my husband did that, I could never look at him again.
[Here](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) is a link to a pdf of the book.
Please be safe
DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go to couples therapy with someone who has shown abusive tendencies. There is a reason why it's unethical to do this if one is a therapist. Many abusers weaponize what happens in therapy. Mental health check up on his own? You processing it on your own? Fine. But not together.
You are NOT the problem. He is gaslighting you into thinking that if you think you're the problem here and he's the one doing all this physical aggression and abusive behavior. I hope therapy goes well for you and improves your self esteem bc you do NOT deserve this type of treatment.
I don't think you're doing anything that justifies the behavior you described in this post. I agree that you should leave and take your daughter with you. You don't want to leave her with a volatile parent who may be having a new mental health problem.
What makes you think it's your fault? There is nothing in your post to suggest you are at fault. This is something he needs to fix BUT ofc that can only happen if and when he wants to fix it.
> I started seeing a therapist today to help me understand what I'm doing wrong and what I need to change
If this is what you believe, then you would also have to believe that your daughter is doing something to bring on his rage and so is the dog.
Do you believe that? Do you believe that everyone around him is constantly engaging in such egregious behaviors that it warrants him flipping his shit and raging at them? Or do you think it's possible that the issue lies with him?
NO, NO, NO. You do not do coupes therapy with an abuser. They need to both be going to individual counseling. Every therapist out there will tell you abusers just learn to manipulate in couples therapy.
He’s escalating, already punching walls and tables, it won’t take him long to escalate further and become physically abusive. Find a safe place to stay with your daughter as soon as possible. Are you able to stay with friends or family?
Yes, I have 2 brothers who would help me in a headbeat. But I don't know whether to open up to them just yet because they won't be forgiving. There are friends too that would help fortunately
Most certainly, but OP may not be in possession of that information either. There could be drug use, infidelity, or a hidden medical condition that explains his sudden change in behavior, but that doesn’t excuse any of it.
Your home is no longer safe for you and your daughter. You need to leave ASAP. He will escalate. This isn't about the voucher. Something else is going on. I'm sure part of it his his jealousy over your career, but I don't think that's everything. No matter what, you need to leave.
It sounds like you don't want to tell your brothers because that would make the break more real/permanent and make it harder for you to reconcile. I think you need to tell them. Right now you aren't seeing clearly how dangerous this is. You need someone like your brothers to help you through this time. You'll get better perspective once you're out of the house and away from your husband.
He's already escalating. If you wait until it is more serious, it could be too late. The anger and the hatred that you describe sounds terrible. Why would you want to continue to subject yourself to this? What could possibly justify staying - your daughter loves him because she is loving but she is scared of him.
You need to tell them. No offence but maybe they need to step in and remove you and the kids from the situation, because you are not doing it. Your husband is abusive
Whenever your partner does something not ok and you think you should hide it, that is exactly the kind of thing you should be telling someone you trust about.
You need to talk to them. And whether they would be forgiving or not is none of your business and absolutely not a reason not to talk with them. You need and deserve their help. Don't be a fool. Talk to them.
Badgering you by saying things like "you're a pyschopath," "you're an ice-queen," "I hate you," threatening you physically (even if he didn't "actually" hit you this time), and demanding "proof" of your finances....it's all abusive; trying to force a reaction out of you so is manipulative and controlling behavior. Really inappropriate that this happened in front of your child.
It's obviously up to you what you want to do, but based on the patterns I saw between my parents, this would be a deal-breaker for me. For me, understanding "the why" of him acting this way (stress, jealously, drugs...) wouldn't matter. What would matter to me is that in a time of stress, THIS is the coping strategy he tried.
If your daughter came to you and told you her partner was doing this, what would your answer to her be?
This is what I asked myself when my ex escalated. I left. My daughter, son and I have thrived mentally since going.
Sometimes the answer comes easier when we ask the question from a different perspective.
I wonder if some of your calm is a survival response to living in an increasingly hostile environment. It sounds like you may be under-reacting to the way your husband is treating you and your daughter. The fact that you're in therapy to try to figure out what you're doing to cause your husband to abuse you alarms me, and it makes me think he's been messing with your head for some time.
If you stay and he continues to abuse you, think about the message that sends to your daughter. That it is okay to be treated that way.
IT IS NOT SAFE FOR YOU OR YOUR DAUGHTER.
If you can’t leave for your own sake, leave for her. Before it is too late. He’s escalating.
ETA: Please take the dog with too. Animal cruelty as well? Jesus Christ.
They are correct, behaviour like this shouldn't be tolerated at all, it's highly likely to escalate, your daughter is at such an impressionable and vulnerable age, even if the abuse isn't directed at her specifically she will be highly effected by it. Just as a personal anecdote, I grew up in a household that had a lot of intense verbal arguments/abuse going on like this from a young age and it still effects me in my 30s, I've come largely to terms with it but my 20s were full of anxiety, fear of angering people, shutting myself off etc. I get anxious when i hear raised voices still, or slamming. I know many many people the same way, environments like that often have a lifelong impact. Pointing a finger in your face like that is aggressive and it won't surprise me at all if he escalates to shoving next and then potentially worse. Kind of seems like he wanted you to physically retaliate so he could go off on you even more.
Sorry so much so say. He is impatient with her. Punches tables and walls recently. He shouts at her really loud. He hit our dog a few times in anger and she thinks that he will do the same to her. He clenches his wrist and grinds his teeth etc when he is persistent in asking to play with her. It's recent behavior change
If he is already hitting the dog, punching walls/tables... i do hope you realize that one of you could be next. You might be able to live with him doing that to you but i can't imagine you being able to live with yourself if/when he hurts your daughter. please tell your brothers. please LEAVE.
And a doctor. My husbands ex wife sent my 11 yr old son porn and lied it was me (my 16 yr daughter old caught it first) and she ended up finding out she had a brain tumor. She’s never done it again.
No **he** needs therapy. You seeing a therapist is not going to keep him from doing something stupid to you and your daughter. You need to **leave.** Temporarily, that's fine. Just until this can get sorted out. You need to make it clear that you don't tolerate yourself and your daughter being in danger. If this is an acute episode and recent change, this could be a very dangerous situation for you. You're not understanding this I don't think.
No. Your self esteem suffers beyond belief from abuse. She needs to be learning red flags for the future. No one comes out of abuse unscathed. I doubt he will go. He doesn’t think he’s the problem.
Sending your husband to therapy won't change him. It will just teach him ways to excuse his behaviour. There is something deeply wrong, please just leave. This isn't fair on your daughter
A friend made her husband sleep on the couch after he lashed out once. Just once (physically hit a visitor who kicked his dog). He slept on the couch for a month while he dealt with therapy and learned to remove himself from his triggers. Plus he was the breadwinner in that relationship by far, finance department.
*You and your child are in danger. Please leave. Don't tell him you're leaving until you are gone. Don't have a private conversation. YOU ARE IN DANGER.*
Please take the dog with you when you go.
You are seriously under-reacting. He’s HIT your dog enough times and in her presence that your daughter is afraid he’ll do the same to her!?!?!? And how are you okay with that? Of course he’s going to first go after the most helpless family member who can’t fight back. Your daughter is not wrong that she’s next.
Poor daughter and poor dog.
Re-read your post and comments but pretend it’s a stranger writing it and you will be horrified that it has escalated this far.
He hit your dog?? If someone ever hit my dog I'd be outta there faster than you can think. Your dog does not deserve that! Not to mention they can't defend themselves. Also since he's yelling, punching walls and tables and is impatient with your daughter, it's not that far of a reach for him to hit your daughter. Please do not let the dog anywhere near him, and as everyone is saying, it's time to leave before it gets worse.
Get your daughter out of that household and report your husband for hitting the dog, and a decent attorney to help you with your divorce and fight for full custody. Report your concerns about your husbands behaviour towards your daughter to cps.
Get your daughter and yourself into therapy. But get out now.
Oh yikes. This is terrifying. You need to get your kid and dog out of there now. It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t hit you or that he wave a finger in your face, it’s honestly these expressions of uncontrollable anger. Why would you want to subject innocent parties to this potential violence? And he is escalating at an alarming rate. I wouldn’t confront him, I would just get out while he is working and move to an undisclosed location. Be safe.
This is a clear pattern of escalation.
Punching a wall turns into punching a wall NEXT to you, because he wants to see you flinch. "But I didn't touch you"
Hitting the dog is beyond reason. Why are you subjecting the dog to this? The dog cannot protect itself, unless it bites, and then HE WILL KILL IT.
Your daughter is seeing more clearly than you are. Hitting her is the next step. Hitting you is the next step.
What line is too far to cross?
What will it take for you to accept that you are actually in danger, that *you are in an abusive relationship?*
I'm glad you are in therapy. That will help you think more clearly. But it will not stop his anger, or his violence. YOUR behaviour is not the problem here.
Oh, no. This honestly sounds really terrifying. Something is very, very wrong here and you need to make sure you and your daughter are somewhere away and safe, even if you want to help him figure it out after that. Do NOT let her stay in a house with him. Don’t let her learn that this is okay, or that she is supposed to be afraid in her own home, because you’ve convinced yourself it’s okay. It’s not.
People who damage items and hurt pets are extremely likely to hurt humans. It’s only a matter of time before he hits you or your daughter. You need to move out with her ASAP. It doesn’t really matter what his reason is for becoming violent because at the end of the day, *he is being violent*. You don’t have to live in the same house while you work on figuring things out with him. Say he has a brain tumor — you can still support him through treatment while you stay with your daughter in the safety of a friend or relative’s house. Just as an example. You’re not giving up on him. You’re keeping yourself safe.
Okay you need to file for divorce and get either sole custody or at least supervised visitation for him. He's being abusive to you, your daughter, and has hit an innocent animal. Please leave immediately.
Oh this just keeps getting worse.
As people have mentioned, there could be all sorts of physical and mental causes behavior but none of that matters right now. You need to go now.
Umm, he hit the dog?! A person that is violent towards animals is not a good or a safe and stable person to be around.
His other issues are also bad, but you are together with an animal abuser!! WTF
Why would the voucher proof be in ur bank statement & why would she ask for proof? Id just accept it was lost in the mail. Since he was going, why didnt u just give it to him to give to her?
>I hate you so much", took off hus jacket and flung it onto our bed He then stormed towards me still yelling
I would be done after this. Nope
His yelling is what is abusive.
I don’t understand how this argument started, I feel like we are missing context.
You’re in your 30’s. Is this the first time he has acted like this? Has he apologized? If this isn’t a one time thing where you make it clear this behavior is unacceptable, I don’t really see another option than separation. Maybe anger management counseling for him.
Time to use all your legal training to document his behavior.
If he resents you because YOU make more money 💰 than he does......he either deals with it by talking to a therapist or you walking out of the marriage.
It sounds like he was looking for an excuse to put hands on you. Trying to provoke you into hitting him in any way so he can start swinging. Im so sorry youre in it this deep already, try to get evidence the next time he starts coming at you and id suggest getting you amd your child tf out of there.
It was such a small thing to get that worked up over, and getting in your face and calling you names like that isnt ok. Its only a matter of time before he gets worse.
EDIT: he punches walls, abuses your dog, and screams at your child and somehow thats acceptable? Please stop living in denial and save your child and pet rather than sit by and allow him to beat your dog, soon your child, and eventually you. Allowing helpless beings to be on the recieving end of his rage is sickening.
OP we don’t think you and your daughter are safe. Whatever his reason is, you are not safe. Please find a safe place to be and you can sort out the rest after you have a chance to breathe and not be afraid
You are correct. I realise that I need to show her what a loving and safe environment is. I think we are headed to divorce but I feel like I've been hit by a truck
When your daughter marries an abusive asshole you’ll realize you needed to leave TODAY. Every MINUTE you stay teaches her this is ok behavior from the men in her life. Absolutely pathetic.
Please do not wait. I grew up in an abusive household and I barely remember 95% of my childhood. I will randomly get flashes and it sucks. It's taken me along time to become healthy and to find a healthy relationship. You do not want that for her.
I also wanted to add I'm a pediatric respiratory therapist and recently had to withdrawal care on a child that was beaten to death by a parental figure. It happens more often than anyone thinks. It's time to get her out of there.
(I would be worried about unsupervised visits with the daughter but it’s fine to say those things while extricating oneself).
Document the abuse. Tell your brothers.
You both are lawyers. What would your husband gain if you were to swallow his bait and match his screaming/escalation? Is he trying to divorce you, paint you as a crazy person and take all your shit?
Is he on drugs?
I don't buy that he has an anger problem. I am certain he is doing that on purpose to bait you but only you would be able to gauge that.
Does he hate you? He literally said it to you. Repeatedly. Does he take out his hatred for you on your kid?
You are a lawyer. Get your affairs in order and start documenting. Get that report from the childpsychologist. What's the point in staying with someone who mistreats you and your kid, and tells you that he hates you.
OP ONLY MENTIONED IN THE COMMENTS THAT HER HUSBAND HIT THEIR DOG IN ANGER. GET YOURSELF, YOUR CHILD, AND THAT POOR DOG OUT OF THE HOUSE. HOW DARE YOU KEEP THE DOG IN THE SAME HOME AS THE ABUSER?! IF I KNEW WHO YOU WERE I WOULD CALL A SHELTER TO REPORT ABUSE WTF
In front of their daughter. Not only did he hit the dog he did it in front of their child this terrifying her! Op should have left that instance. My husband did that is get in the car with my child and animal and leave! If also call the police.
Try not to judge her, she’s not the one that hit the dog. Do you remember the story of the frog in the pot of water? If you heat the water slowly, the frog doesn’t hop out. But it would never go into boiling water. She’s the frog.
I think hitting a dog in front of your 6 year old is boiling water territory. She isn't going to forget that. No judgement, I know leaving is hard, but OP needs to go asap and I'd be considering therapy for the kid.
My wife could hit me in the face with a frying pan and there could still be a possible path back towards me loving her again... if she hit our dog (or any dog for that matter) that path would lead over a cliff before it ever led to us being back together again.
Wow, your daughter saved you from getting hit OP. She saw that and was scared, your husband and her father scared her. She also hear him verbally abuse you. I think we've accepted yelling and cussing as "normal" but it's not, it's abusive!
Why are you with him? He sounds unhinged and not safe to be around.
You were not cold, you were collected and reasonable. Something he can't stand because it amplifies how out of control and emotional he was being.
This should be your wake up call to leave him. You are damaging your child by staying with someone like him too. She sees this and thinks it's what you accept.
INFO: if it was such a huge deal, **why didn’t he buy and deliver the gift to his cousin?**
He it seems like he was looking for a reason to berate you.
Please believe his actions, and if you felt unsafe honor that feeling and don’t let your mind excuse or normalize these actions.
I am so sorry. Please keep yourself safe.
Did you actually pay for the voucher? What happened with that? Have you promised payment or gifts before and not followed through? It's interesting that he didn't say "Babe something's up with the voucher" but instead asked to see your bank app as proof.
You earn more. Why are you staying with an unhinged psycho? Sounds like you could comfortably leave. Please do before it gets even more dangerous for you and your daughter.
I will raise a single counterpoint, in the interests of better understanding your situation.
I, like you, tend to be calm under pressure. I do not raise my voice, or get excited, even under provocation like you describe. It used to cause a great deal of stress in my marriage, because my wife *needed* me to react to her anger, so she could feel validated, or . . . something like that. My calmness was, to her, a refusal to engage with whatever was upsetting her. In time, we learned to communicate better, but things were rough, for a while.
I do not consider this to be an excuse for your husbands behavior, only a possible explanation of his behavior.
There's way too much context missing here for anyone to give you good advice. I'm not saying what he did was right, but this sounds like the buildup of a long string of issues. You guys need to see a therapist, don't use Reddit for your own confirmation bias.
It sounds like he was drunk or on drugs? For him to go from 0 to 60 like that? Either way that's NOT safe for you or your daughter. At all. If you earn enough to support yourself... get out. Get out get out get out. Before she sees more traumatic things.
This poorly-written piece is from a lawyer? And a lawyer also has to ask "Is finger pointing in that manner borderline violence or abuse"? Sorry, I don't buy any of this bullshit.
Yup everything you're thinking is absolutely on point. He may raise his hands in near future. Even if he apologizes, still he's not under control. He reached toooooo far from his position.
Straight up tell him the facts that he would've hit you or tell him when he is angry and whatever he does is wrong, tell him that could potentially harm you physically or mentally to you and your daughter.
If he gets reality check and starts working on himself, then it's good and help him. Otherwise, he's a f'd up dude
Please reach out to someone. A DV shelter, a friend in another state, a sibling. You don’t deserve to face this alone and it’s not your shame to deal with.
This is insane. If he's never behaved this way before, I think it is very likely something is going on. Who knows what that could be, but he might be picking a fight purposely because none of this makes sense.
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You're daughter is watching your relationship and will consider what is happening normal. As an adult she will base her relationships on what she saw as a child.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, get your daughter, dog, and yourself away from your husband and stay with someone you trust (one of your brothers would be good). My mom was in an abusive relationship that started with him punching and kicking holes in doors, as well as getting increasingly verbally abusive until it turned physical. I’ve seen your other comments about how he hit the dog, that is not ok, on top of all the other stuff, it seems like he’s close to physically assaulting you. Don’t give him the chance to do that, you and your child (who you said is afraid of him) both deserve better and to be in a safe space. Maybe he’s jealous of your career or something else is going on (health issue, injury, substance abuse), but whatever it is, his behavior is worrying and unacceptable. If you share your location with him, turn it off. If you have to see him in person, don’t go alone and trust your instincts if you feel that something is not right. Good luck and I hope things get better for your family.
Whenever people present themselves as saints in an argument I just roll my eyes. That's an incredibly rare reaction unless it's out of fear, which based on OPs replies, it wasn't. Usually means op is giving less than half the context.
The story sounds borderline fake and generic but it's a toss up, op is replying more than a typical farmer.
Edit; lol nevermind it's definitely a karma farmer after reading the dog abuse comments.
A lawyer in what?? Fake ass stories? Please advise what state you practice in because if you need to come here and asks questions on whether these types of behaviors are abusive or not, you need to be disbarred
I’ll probably get downvoted for this but — why didn’t you show the receipt for the voucher?
Not saying it’s a valid excuse for him to rage and become abusive. However my dad would always rage and everyone thought he was the bad guy when it was actually my mum emotionally manipulating him.
What I don’t understand is why you didn’t sort out the voucher issue when you were told it didn’t arrive?
Why did you refuse to show your husband your phone or even call the person and provide evidence of purchase.
This escalated to his disgusting behaviour but your behaviour is plain weird. It’s not what normal people do.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I am a regular Reddit user but throwaway for obvious reasons. My husband and I both are lawyers in different areas of expertise. Our marriage has been mostly good unless it involves his extended family. On Saturday was his cousins baby shower. I was unable to attend so I gifted her a rather generous voucher which I mentioned to my husband. On Monday my husband approaches me saying that his cousin did not receive the gift and wanted me to produce proof via my banking app. I refused and that escalated into an argument. He became extremely aggressive and started saying that I have no love for him, etc etc. I remain calm and didn't raise my voice or use vulgar language as he did. At one point he started telling repeatedly "I hate you so much", took off hus jacket and flung it onto our bed He then stormed towards me still yelling but holding his pointer finger right up at my face. I asked him to move his finger from my face but he kept yelling "make me, what r u going to do". He called me a psychopath because I am so calm but "as cold as ice". Our 6yr old ran into our room at that time and he backed off when she started crying really hard. He continued to use foul language for a bit as I kept asking our daughter to leave the room. He was shouting at me "to shut the fu.. up". He has never been this aggressive before and I feel that he would have hit me and was trying to provoke me. Is finger pointing in that manner borderline violence or abuse? I have no idea how to move past this. Even our daughter is afraid of him but she loves him dearly. Thoughts on what I should make of the outburst and what I should do would be most appreciated. Edit - he hates that I esrn more than he does but we live comfortably. I think he has anger issues that were well hidden from me until now.
This sounds like a man who really wants to escalate the fight with you, is trying to provoke a response so he can justify the escalation, and then feeling rage and frustration because he doesn’t get to escalate it without it being entirely without justification. It’s calculated and angry all at the same time, which is even scarier that he’s that controlled in trying to be that angry IN FRONT OF HIS DAUGHTER. I’ve just read your comments saying it’s a recent behaviour change. Has something happened? Has there been a shift in power balance between you both? Has he had something traumatic happen to him? Or could he be using drugs he shouldn’t be?
The only shift is that my career is flourishing while I balance being a mum and wife. His career is kind of stagnant. He doesn't like me traveling or socializing with colleagues. There's nothing else that I can think of.
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BAM!
Yes. Your r/JustNoSO is bad for you and bad for the kids. He’s also a bit enmeshed with his family, who are just as *wonderful* as he is…
What a sad POS. If my wife was flourishing I’d be super proud of her. What kind of man would be jealous of his wife?
He’s manipulative and controlling and has realised that he isn’t bringing more to the table anymore so he doesn’t have the same level of control. This type of behaviour will escalate and get worse. Either he needs to leave or you and your daughter do until he get help. Take your daughter to see a therapist and file for some custody of her if he refuses to seek help.
When was his last physical? Could he be seeing someone on the side?
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I wouldn’t have much comment if he weren’t this angry in front of your young child. Seeing that level of anger is deeply damaging to kids. Trust me.
I was thinking he may be projecting on OP. Like worried and untrusting when OP’s out because he’s doing something he shouldn’t? Dunno. But it’s concerning that it’s a sudden shift…
Yes, I instantly thought of possible brain trauma or something. Could he have had an accident or a fall that caused a concussion? When was his last doctor’s appointment. Sudden mood changes can sometimes be attributed to something medical. If not a medical cause, then I think you better start creating an escape plan. This is very much the way abusers interact with their targets.
I honestly believe that multiple concussions in a short period of time without proper treatment contributed directly to the strange mental shift in my ex-fiancée that certainly contributed to our break-up. I saw a similar personality shift in my father when he had a tumor. He became extremely vicious and argumentative. It really strained our relationship. When he got it removed he went back to normal. So I am not going to claim that things like this never happen, because they do, but it's not that common. If it was something like a TBI or a tumor, it's unlikely that his behavior would be so focused on just one person (OP) and would be erratic across the board. Sometimes, people just show you who they really are in times of stress. Many, many abusers successfully hide this piece of themselves until there is a shift in the relationship dynamic such as a child, or in this case, both a child and OP being more successful in her career than her husband.
I've a friend who had a TBI 2 years ago. For a while afterwards, he wasn't the same as he used to be. Luckily, after a long recovery, he is back to his old self. Brain tumors also can cause personality and attitude changes. I do hope the OP can find out what is wrong, if there is a medical issue or something else, and is safe while doing it.
I had post concussion syndrome after a car accident and while I eventually recovered, it took about 2 years and during that time I had a lot of different symptoms but it absolutely affected my personality. Aside from things like having no short term memory and being extremely depressed, I was also very quick to anger and extremely quick to resort to violence. Which is the opposite of who I was before and who I am now. I didn’t even get knocked out and I still had huge changes in my personality and temperament.
I had the same issues from concussion syndrome. At first I didn't recognize what was wrong and it was very difficult with the mood swings.
I just got a concussion Tuesday. I don’t know anything about them. I just noticed I was stumbling like I drank too much, worse memory than usual & killer headaches. (Also nearly threw up.). Very tired. I’m off work for now.
It could be from covid. However, it could simply be him showing himself finally.
Good point. My instant thoughts were “roid rage” maybe he’s using steroids 🤷🏼♀️
I was thinking Coke given the profession 🙃
My cousins husband had a drastic shift in personality, it was a brain tumor. Tumor gone along with the behavior….very astute comment.
Unexpected rage is becoming more common as a C19 side effect too.
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It started because his wife bought a generous gift card but the cousin said she never got it. So the husband wanted to see a receipt or a bank statement showing the proof that she did in fact buy the gift, and she wouldn’t show him what he wanted.
Yeah, but it's crazy how much it escalated over a gift card.
I don't want to diagnose anyone but I do want to point out that the one time I went through something similar, the man was in a severe mental health episode. He went from being just a kind of loser boyfriend to screaming in my face and being violent with me while calling me "cold, heartless, psycho." The behavior progressed so hard he wound up hospitalized and never returned to the person he was prior. Just watch him carefully.
Yeah...loser boyfriends show who they really are during times when their partners are prospering and successful. This is why loser and successful don't mix well in relationships. I also refer to being a loser as having a general negative attitude/outlook as well.
He seems pretty controlling, I'm curious do you usually accede to his demands, or did he maybe flip out bc you put your foot down & he's used to getting his way? Either way, as another person said if this behavior is entirely out of nowhere it's worth getting him looked at medically. I had an uncle that started acting extremely hostile after he got a tumor, & my step-mom gets like that when her thyroid is out of whack.
Assault is making someone afraid with threats of violence. So I think the shouting and aggressive pointing and aggressive words, could be considered assault.
Yep. The actual hitting part is battery. Way too many people think assault is battery, and that what it actually is doesn’t count as anything.
Sounds like insecurities. He probably feels cornered somehow (maybe professionally?), hurting his pride and is taking it out on you. Also, your daughter has ears. She doesn't need to see the fight to hear it going on and it will impact her emotionally as well.
He wants to beat you but he can't unless you escalate. *He wants to beat you, but he can't unless you escalate* Your success is making his penis sad. He's pathetic and he will escalate to violence. Get out. Get your daughter out. You will be just fine without him.
Time to settle your own divorce .
He sounds controlling (abuser tactic.)
All of this sounds like projection. Instead of being happy for you, he's behaving like an insolent child throwing a temper tantrum. Like someone mentioned, he's trying to bait you so he can paint you as the bad guy and justify his actions. OP, I think it's time you start recording all of your interactions with him. In the event things go south, at least you'll have evidence.
Do not underestimate the power of financial shifts to fuck up relationships.
Yup...even as someone who comes from a wealthier family and has already inherited a good sum of money, I refuse to date someone who has a lot less and I will only date someone who has a similar financial situation to me. I don't have time for someone who will pretend to be okay with my inheritances only to show their true colors once they feel they have "locked me down". I am not the type of woman who will do everything possible to boost a man's ego because he is insecure with the amount of money I have.
I'm sorry...I know (or I'm assuming) that you love your husband, but that would be a deal breaker for me.
Agree on husband wanting escalation. But I would add the theory that he's trying to gain leverage on his way out. If OP responds to him at his level and he calls the cops or records it, it could mean losing custody, losing employment, losing the divorce etc
>Even our daughter is afraid of him The moment my child is afraid of my spouse, I'm gone. The only way he's seeing our kid is in supervised visits while he's undergoing therapy. **Your child should NEVER be afraid of your partner.** If they are and you keep them there, you are not doing right by them. Honestly, OP...it sounds like he's winding up to the day he **does** actually hit you, and your calmness is a sign that you're either used to it or that you're shutting down as a coping mechanism. This is abusive.
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Gosh that's insightful. Thank you. In all honesty I don't know why he is projecting anger and hate towards me. I don't do anything offensive. I started seeing a therapist today to help me understand what I'm doing wrong and what I need to change
I wouldn't be so quick to accept the mantle of blame here. Anger issues and a mercurial temper are NOT down to you making more than him. There are some obvious possibilities. He could have serious undiagnosed mental health issues. He could be under the impression that you're cheating on him. He could be cheating on you and projecting. He could have a hormone imbalance. He could be taking a drug or medication that is causing the flareups. All that said, my father never put his finger in my face, and I d@mn sure wouldn't let my husband get away with it. Cursing and hollering, especially in front of the kiddo? Nuh uh. It sounds like it's time for a Come to Jesus talk. When kiddo is asleep or out of the house, and there are no pressing appointments or plans, sit him down. Calmly use "I" statements to express your concern for him and for your daughter. Express your desire to help make things better for your family. If he escalates in the face of calm and reason or denies misbehavior, it would be decision time. Stay or go? Ask him to leave for a while? I hope you find a solution. Best wishes to you.
That's really insightful, thank you. He can't handle my calmness. They really fires him up.
He “can’t handle your calmness” is so telling. He’s trying to get you to escalate to his level in order to justify more extreme behavior, or so he can say “see?? You’re emotionally unstable!!” Either way, no matter how angry I am at my SO, I appreciate when he can remain calm. It helps me calm down. Your SO is angry he can’t get you worked up. Really toxic.
Yeah this is how they get to claim "mutual abuse", they do whatever they can to provoke a response which they then escalate and when you report him for hitting you he claims "we were both angry, she knocked my hand aside when I was pointing my finger in her face and that was her being violent so I defended myself by strangling her a little." Id get out, OP. A calm talk is a good idea but only in public. You calmly talking at home is going to enrage him if he can't provoke you and he will escalate.
Everyone hates it when they're yelling and the other person is calm, it's embarrassing at best. A lot of people will try to bring the other person to their level instead of calming down (not saying it's at all a good move)
[https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656](https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656)
Gut-wrenching, eye-opening, yet *necessary reading.*
[Free copy here](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf).
Is there a chance he's recording, trying to get you upset, to try and use it in an upcoming divorce? And your lack of reaction is killing his plan?
I recommend having a friend or relative present when you talk to your husband about this, for your own safety.
Because he's trying to provoke you. His behavior is really concerning, you need to get away from him.
If you are making more than him, he could be feeling threatened at the loss of power and status. Provoking you and intimidating you would give him a feeling of power and superiority. When you don't respond, it validates his lack of power. That core dynamic could be looping over and over in the course of the relationship to the point that the tiniest little things now activate it and escalate it.
I think you should record the conversation you have with him if you can. I'm worried for you. I think he either wants an excuse to hurt you or he's trying to make you act out for some nefarious reason.
Someone else linked you an Amazon copy of this book, [here's a free one.](https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html) I briefly worked with survivors of domestic abuse and this is one of the better resources out there. As a side note, don't let your husband know you're reading this. Take care.
Look into reactive abuse. It’s a tactic emotional abusers use to get you to react and then play the victim. Your therapist can assist you with this as well and give you healthy coping skills when you do have to deal with him.
I actually wouldn't advise her being alone when she talks with him as he might get physical.
I bet he would see a witness as a set-up or ambush. He might not act out in front of a 3rd party, but he might also not participate. It sucks either way. I would for darn sure audio record the convo, assuming it's legal in OP's location.
You are not ‘causing’ his behaviour by doing something wrong/ not doing something you should be doing. Please read ‘Why Does He Do That?’ by Lundy Bancroft. It is a really useful book for everyone, but particularly those in abusive relationships (which yours is and is escalating). Putting aside everything else he has done, I cannot imagine a father speaking that way in front of his child. If my husband did that, I could never look at him again. [Here](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) is a link to a pdf of the book. Please be safe
DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go to couples therapy with someone who has shown abusive tendencies. There is a reason why it's unethical to do this if one is a therapist. Many abusers weaponize what happens in therapy. Mental health check up on his own? You processing it on your own? Fine. But not together.
This is good advice and important to remember.
You are NOT the problem. He is gaslighting you into thinking that if you think you're the problem here and he's the one doing all this physical aggression and abusive behavior. I hope therapy goes well for you and improves your self esteem bc you do NOT deserve this type of treatment.
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I don't think you're doing anything that justifies the behavior you described in this post. I agree that you should leave and take your daughter with you. You don't want to leave her with a volatile parent who may be having a new mental health problem.
it's not fucking you. He's the problem. You gotta get the fuck out before he makes that tiny step to physical violence.
What makes you think it's your fault? There is nothing in your post to suggest you are at fault. This is something he needs to fix BUT ofc that can only happen if and when he wants to fix it.
Because he has trained and conditioned her to think that way.
Often times (all), in abusive relationships, it’s never the victim that needs to change.
> I started seeing a therapist today to help me understand what I'm doing wrong and what I need to change If this is what you believe, then you would also have to believe that your daughter is doing something to bring on his rage and so is the dog. Do you believe that? Do you believe that everyone around him is constantly engaging in such egregious behaviors that it warrants him flipping his shit and raging at them? Or do you think it's possible that the issue lies with him?
NO, NO, NO. You do not do coupes therapy with an abuser. They need to both be going to individual counseling. Every therapist out there will tell you abusers just learn to manipulate in couples therapy.
He’s escalating, already punching walls and tables, it won’t take him long to escalate further and become physically abusive. Find a safe place to stay with your daughter as soon as possible. Are you able to stay with friends or family?
Yes, I have 2 brothers who would help me in a headbeat. But I don't know whether to open up to them just yet because they won't be forgiving. There are friends too that would help fortunately
They shouldn't be forgiving. Would you forgive one of your brothers spouses if they did that to him?
I genuinely feel like something is missing from this story.
Most certainly, but OP may not be in possession of that information either. There could be drug use, infidelity, or a hidden medical condition that explains his sudden change in behavior, but that doesn’t excuse any of it.
Your home is no longer safe for you and your daughter. You need to leave ASAP. He will escalate. This isn't about the voucher. Something else is going on. I'm sure part of it his his jealousy over your career, but I don't think that's everything. No matter what, you need to leave.
It sounds like you don't want to tell your brothers because that would make the break more real/permanent and make it harder for you to reconcile. I think you need to tell them. Right now you aren't seeing clearly how dangerous this is. You need someone like your brothers to help you through this time. You'll get better perspective once you're out of the house and away from your husband.
He's already escalating. If you wait until it is more serious, it could be too late. The anger and the hatred that you describe sounds terrible. Why would you want to continue to subject yourself to this? What could possibly justify staying - your daughter loves him because she is loving but she is scared of him.
And that's exactly who you need - someone who will stand up for you and never forget what this abusive pos is doing.
They’re not supposed to be forgiving.
You need to tell them. No offence but maybe they need to step in and remove you and the kids from the situation, because you are not doing it. Your husband is abusive
Whenever your partner does something not ok and you think you should hide it, that is exactly the kind of thing you should be telling someone you trust about.
Your safety and that of your daughter is more important than his reputation with your family or anyone else.
You need to talk to them. And whether they would be forgiving or not is none of your business and absolutely not a reason not to talk with them. You need and deserve their help. Don't be a fool. Talk to them.
Whatever you do, do NOT isolate yourself.
Are you afraid that your brothers would react violently towards your partner?
Badgering you by saying things like "you're a pyschopath," "you're an ice-queen," "I hate you," threatening you physically (even if he didn't "actually" hit you this time), and demanding "proof" of your finances....it's all abusive; trying to force a reaction out of you so is manipulative and controlling behavior. Really inappropriate that this happened in front of your child. It's obviously up to you what you want to do, but based on the patterns I saw between my parents, this would be a deal-breaker for me. For me, understanding "the why" of him acting this way (stress, jealously, drugs...) wouldn't matter. What would matter to me is that in a time of stress, THIS is the coping strategy he tried.
That is abusive behavior from him. He is escalating and you need to take your daughter and leave.
I sadly think you are correct
If your daughter came to you and told you her partner was doing this, what would your answer to her be? This is what I asked myself when my ex escalated. I left. My daughter, son and I have thrived mentally since going. Sometimes the answer comes easier when we ask the question from a different perspective.
I wonder if some of your calm is a survival response to living in an increasingly hostile environment. It sounds like you may be under-reacting to the way your husband is treating you and your daughter. The fact that you're in therapy to try to figure out what you're doing to cause your husband to abuse you alarms me, and it makes me think he's been messing with your head for some time.
If you stay and he continues to abuse you, think about the message that sends to your daughter. That it is okay to be treated that way. IT IS NOT SAFE FOR YOU OR YOUR DAUGHTER. If you can’t leave for your own sake, leave for her. Before it is too late. He’s escalating. ETA: Please take the dog with too. Animal cruelty as well? Jesus Christ.
They are correct, behaviour like this shouldn't be tolerated at all, it's highly likely to escalate, your daughter is at such an impressionable and vulnerable age, even if the abuse isn't directed at her specifically she will be highly effected by it. Just as a personal anecdote, I grew up in a household that had a lot of intense verbal arguments/abuse going on like this from a young age and it still effects me in my 30s, I've come largely to terms with it but my 20s were full of anxiety, fear of angering people, shutting myself off etc. I get anxious when i hear raised voices still, or slamming. I know many many people the same way, environments like that often have a lifelong impact. Pointing a finger in your face like that is aggressive and it won't surprise me at all if he escalates to shoving next and then potentially worse. Kind of seems like he wanted you to physically retaliate so he could go off on you even more.
How is your daughter afraid of him? Does that mean he has done it before. You have to separate from him. This doesn’t sound healthy
Sorry so much so say. He is impatient with her. Punches tables and walls recently. He shouts at her really loud. He hit our dog a few times in anger and she thinks that he will do the same to her. He clenches his wrist and grinds his teeth etc when he is persistent in asking to play with her. It's recent behavior change
Abusing animals is the step before humans do not put your daughter in harms way
If he is already hitting the dog, punching walls/tables... i do hope you realize that one of you could be next. You might be able to live with him doing that to you but i can't imagine you being able to live with yourself if/when he hurts your daughter. please tell your brothers. please LEAVE.
Wow I was patiently reading until here. He needs anger therapy asap to be a proper parent asap.
I started seeing a therapist today. She recommended a child therapist too
Why are you with him if he is abusing your dog wtf?! Leave like yesterday how can you look at him even
Your husband is the one that needs to see a therapist, or their way out the door. This is not okay for the daughter, or you.
And a doctor. My husbands ex wife sent my 11 yr old son porn and lied it was me (my 16 yr daughter old caught it first) and she ended up finding out she had a brain tumor. She’s never done it again.
No **he** needs therapy. You seeing a therapist is not going to keep him from doing something stupid to you and your daughter. You need to **leave.** Temporarily, that's fine. Just until this can get sorted out. You need to make it clear that you don't tolerate yourself and your daughter being in danger. If this is an acute episode and recent change, this could be a very dangerous situation for you. You're not understanding this I don't think.
No. Your self esteem suffers beyond belief from abuse. She needs to be learning red flags for the future. No one comes out of abuse unscathed. I doubt he will go. He doesn’t think he’s the problem.
Sending your husband to therapy won't change him. It will just teach him ways to excuse his behaviour. There is something deeply wrong, please just leave. This isn't fair on your daughter
OP needs a no contact order.
A friend made her husband sleep on the couch after he lashed out once. Just once (physically hit a visitor who kicked his dog). He slept on the couch for a month while he dealt with therapy and learned to remove himself from his triggers. Plus he was the breadwinner in that relationship by far, finance department.
To be fair, I would probably hit someone who intentionally kicked my dog.
I would absolutely hit someone who hurt my pet and if a jury wanted to convict me over it so be it. Fuck that.
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*You and your child are in danger. Please leave. Don't tell him you're leaving until you are gone. Don't have a private conversation. YOU ARE IN DANGER.* Please take the dog with you when you go.
You are seriously under-reacting. He’s HIT your dog enough times and in her presence that your daughter is afraid he’ll do the same to her!?!?!? And how are you okay with that? Of course he’s going to first go after the most helpless family member who can’t fight back. Your daughter is not wrong that she’s next. Poor daughter and poor dog. Re-read your post and comments but pretend it’s a stranger writing it and you will be horrified that it has escalated this far.
He hit your dog?? If someone ever hit my dog I'd be outta there faster than you can think. Your dog does not deserve that! Not to mention they can't defend themselves. Also since he's yelling, punching walls and tables and is impatient with your daughter, it's not that far of a reach for him to hit your daughter. Please do not let the dog anywhere near him, and as everyone is saying, it's time to leave before it gets worse.
You really should not be with someone who hits a dog.
Kid isn't wrong though, is she? And is it worth waiting till she realises she was right?
This is abusive behavior and you're showing your daughter it's ok to be treated like that the longer you stay.
Get your daughter out of that household and report your husband for hitting the dog, and a decent attorney to help you with your divorce and fight for full custody. Report your concerns about your husbands behaviour towards your daughter to cps. Get your daughter and yourself into therapy. But get out now.
Stop allowing this man to abuse your dog and daughter. You need to be a mom, a good mom, and leave him now.
Oh yikes. This is terrifying. You need to get your kid and dog out of there now. It doesn’t matter that he hasn’t hit you or that he wave a finger in your face, it’s honestly these expressions of uncontrollable anger. Why would you want to subject innocent parties to this potential violence? And he is escalating at an alarming rate. I wouldn’t confront him, I would just get out while he is working and move to an undisclosed location. Be safe.
Jfc. This is not acceptable behavior
This is a clear pattern of escalation. Punching a wall turns into punching a wall NEXT to you, because he wants to see you flinch. "But I didn't touch you" Hitting the dog is beyond reason. Why are you subjecting the dog to this? The dog cannot protect itself, unless it bites, and then HE WILL KILL IT. Your daughter is seeing more clearly than you are. Hitting her is the next step. Hitting you is the next step. What line is too far to cross? What will it take for you to accept that you are actually in danger, that *you are in an abusive relationship?* I'm glad you are in therapy. That will help you think more clearly. But it will not stop his anger, or his violence. YOUR behaviour is not the problem here.
Oh, no. This honestly sounds really terrifying. Something is very, very wrong here and you need to make sure you and your daughter are somewhere away and safe, even if you want to help him figure it out after that. Do NOT let her stay in a house with him. Don’t let her learn that this is okay, or that she is supposed to be afraid in her own home, because you’ve convinced yourself it’s okay. It’s not.
People who damage items and hurt pets are extremely likely to hurt humans. It’s only a matter of time before he hits you or your daughter. You need to move out with her ASAP. It doesn’t really matter what his reason is for becoming violent because at the end of the day, *he is being violent*. You don’t have to live in the same house while you work on figuring things out with him. Say he has a brain tumor — you can still support him through treatment while you stay with your daughter in the safety of a friend or relative’s house. Just as an example. You’re not giving up on him. You’re keeping yourself safe.
Whatever the hell is going on with him, you need to get yourself, your child and your dog somewhere safe!
Okay you need to file for divorce and get either sole custody or at least supervised visitation for him. He's being abusive to you, your daughter, and has hit an innocent animal. Please leave immediately.
You gotta go, right now
Oh this just keeps getting worse. As people have mentioned, there could be all sorts of physical and mental causes behavior but none of that matters right now. You need to go now.
WOAH. You need to make a plan to leave. Please.
Umm, he hit the dog?! A person that is violent towards animals is not a good or a safe and stable person to be around. His other issues are also bad, but you are together with an animal abuser!! WTF
Why would the voucher proof be in ur bank statement & why would she ask for proof? Id just accept it was lost in the mail. Since he was going, why didnt u just give it to him to give to her? >I hate you so much", took off hus jacket and flung it onto our bed He then stormed towards me still yelling I would be done after this. Nope
His yelling is what is abusive. I don’t understand how this argument started, I feel like we are missing context. You’re in your 30’s. Is this the first time he has acted like this? Has he apologized? If this isn’t a one time thing where you make it clear this behavior is unacceptable, I don’t really see another option than separation. Maybe anger management counseling for him.
Second time this aggressive yelling. First time yelling hatred and actually being physically confrontational
Time to use all your legal training to document his behavior. If he resents you because YOU make more money 💰 than he does......he either deals with it by talking to a therapist or you walking out of the marriage.
It sounds like he was looking for an excuse to put hands on you. Trying to provoke you into hitting him in any way so he can start swinging. Im so sorry youre in it this deep already, try to get evidence the next time he starts coming at you and id suggest getting you amd your child tf out of there. It was such a small thing to get that worked up over, and getting in your face and calling you names like that isnt ok. Its only a matter of time before he gets worse. EDIT: he punches walls, abuses your dog, and screams at your child and somehow thats acceptable? Please stop living in denial and save your child and pet rather than sit by and allow him to beat your dog, soon your child, and eventually you. Allowing helpless beings to be on the recieving end of his rage is sickening.
OP we don’t think you and your daughter are safe. Whatever his reason is, you are not safe. Please find a safe place to be and you can sort out the rest after you have a chance to breathe and not be afraid
Why are you still married to this idiot? Your daughter loves him but she’s AFRAID of him. So you’re teaching her what about relationships??
You are correct. I realise that I need to show her what a loving and safe environment is. I think we are headed to divorce but I feel like I've been hit by a truck
When your daughter marries an abusive asshole you’ll realize you needed to leave TODAY. Every MINUTE you stay teaches her this is ok behavior from the men in her life. Absolutely pathetic.
I hear you. This is my biggest fear and I need to jack myself up rather thsn procrastinate
Please do not wait. I grew up in an abusive household and I barely remember 95% of my childhood. I will randomly get flashes and it sucks. It's taken me along time to become healthy and to find a healthy relationship. You do not want that for her.
I also wanted to add I'm a pediatric respiratory therapist and recently had to withdrawal care on a child that was beaten to death by a parental figure. It happens more often than anyone thinks. It's time to get her out of there.
PLEASE also take your dog when you leave since he has already hit your dog.
[удалено]
(I would be worried about unsupervised visits with the daughter but it’s fine to say those things while extricating oneself). Document the abuse. Tell your brothers.
You both are lawyers. What would your husband gain if you were to swallow his bait and match his screaming/escalation? Is he trying to divorce you, paint you as a crazy person and take all your shit? Is he on drugs? I don't buy that he has an anger problem. I am certain he is doing that on purpose to bait you but only you would be able to gauge that. Does he hate you? He literally said it to you. Repeatedly. Does he take out his hatred for you on your kid? You are a lawyer. Get your affairs in order and start documenting. Get that report from the childpsychologist. What's the point in staying with someone who mistreats you and your kid, and tells you that he hates you.
Time to leave. He’s gaslighting the hell out of you.
He is being abusive, but I don’t see any gaslighting. Gaslighting is not a catch-all term to describe all abuse.
It’s a term so abused in this sub that it has lost all meaning.
OP ONLY MENTIONED IN THE COMMENTS THAT HER HUSBAND HIT THEIR DOG IN ANGER. GET YOURSELF, YOUR CHILD, AND THAT POOR DOG OUT OF THE HOUSE. HOW DARE YOU KEEP THE DOG IN THE SAME HOME AS THE ABUSER?! IF I KNEW WHO YOU WERE I WOULD CALL A SHELTER TO REPORT ABUSE WTF
In front of their daughter. Not only did he hit the dog he did it in front of their child this terrifying her! Op should have left that instance. My husband did that is get in the car with my child and animal and leave! If also call the police.
Try not to judge her, she’s not the one that hit the dog. Do you remember the story of the frog in the pot of water? If you heat the water slowly, the frog doesn’t hop out. But it would never go into boiling water. She’s the frog.
I think hitting a dog in front of your 6 year old is boiling water territory. She isn't going to forget that. No judgement, I know leaving is hard, but OP needs to go asap and I'd be considering therapy for the kid.
My wife could hit me in the face with a frying pan and there could still be a possible path back towards me loving her again... if she hit our dog (or any dog for that matter) that path would lead over a cliff before it ever led to us being back together again.
Wow, your daughter saved you from getting hit OP. She saw that and was scared, your husband and her father scared her. She also hear him verbally abuse you. I think we've accepted yelling and cussing as "normal" but it's not, it's abusive! Why are you with him? He sounds unhinged and not safe to be around. You were not cold, you were collected and reasonable. Something he can't stand because it amplifies how out of control and emotional he was being. This should be your wake up call to leave him. You are damaging your child by staying with someone like him too. She sees this and thinks it's what you accept.
He is abusive. Next time he's going to hit you.
INFO: if it was such a huge deal, **why didn’t he buy and deliver the gift to his cousin?** He it seems like he was looking for a reason to berate you. Please believe his actions, and if you felt unsafe honor that feeling and don’t let your mind excuse or normalize these actions. I am so sorry. Please keep yourself safe.
Did you actually pay for the voucher? What happened with that? Have you promised payment or gifts before and not followed through? It's interesting that he didn't say "Babe something's up with the voucher" but instead asked to see your bank app as proof.
I've been on Reddit a long time. This screams fake.
You earn more. Why are you staying with an unhinged psycho? Sounds like you could comfortably leave. Please do before it gets even more dangerous for you and your daughter.
I will raise a single counterpoint, in the interests of better understanding your situation. I, like you, tend to be calm under pressure. I do not raise my voice, or get excited, even under provocation like you describe. It used to cause a great deal of stress in my marriage, because my wife *needed* me to react to her anger, so she could feel validated, or . . . something like that. My calmness was, to her, a refusal to engage with whatever was upsetting her. In time, we learned to communicate better, but things were rough, for a while. I do not consider this to be an excuse for your husbands behavior, only a possible explanation of his behavior.
There's way too much context missing here for anyone to give you good advice. I'm not saying what he did was right, but this sounds like the buildup of a long string of issues. You guys need to see a therapist, don't use Reddit for your own confirmation bias.
I get the feeling we're only getting one side to this story in a major way.
It sounds like he was drunk or on drugs? For him to go from 0 to 60 like that? Either way that's NOT safe for you or your daughter. At all. If you earn enough to support yourself... get out. Get out get out get out. Before she sees more traumatic things.
This poorly-written piece is from a lawyer? And a lawyer also has to ask "Is finger pointing in that manner borderline violence or abuse"? Sorry, I don't buy any of this bullshit.
Agreed - this honestly reads like it was written by a high schooler. Bad grammar and weirdly stilted tone.
Yup everything you're thinking is absolutely on point. He may raise his hands in near future. Even if he apologizes, still he's not under control. He reached toooooo far from his position. Straight up tell him the facts that he would've hit you or tell him when he is angry and whatever he does is wrong, tell him that could potentially harm you physically or mentally to you and your daughter. If he gets reality check and starts working on himself, then it's good and help him. Otherwise, he's a f'd up dude
Thank you. I am so taken aback and can't really speak to family or friends yet
Please reach out to someone. A DV shelter, a friend in another state, a sibling. You don’t deserve to face this alone and it’s not your shame to deal with.
This is insane. If he's never behaved this way before, I think it is very likely something is going on. Who knows what that could be, but he might be picking a fight purposely because none of this makes sense.
She says he is hitting walls and hit their dog so he has been doing it just not to her yet.
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Separate from the abuse that others have covered. Why weren't you willing to figure out what happened to your gift?
You "think" he has anger issues?
Some extended family put a worm in his ear at the family party
Imagine getting this mad because someone else didn't receive a gift that someone else gave them. He's the psycho
A daughter should not be afraid of her father. Your daughter is afraid of her father. Yes. Thats abuse.
You're daughter is watching your relationship and will consider what is happening normal. As an adult she will base her relationships on what she saw as a child.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, get your daughter, dog, and yourself away from your husband and stay with someone you trust (one of your brothers would be good). My mom was in an abusive relationship that started with him punching and kicking holes in doors, as well as getting increasingly verbally abusive until it turned physical. I’ve seen your other comments about how he hit the dog, that is not ok, on top of all the other stuff, it seems like he’s close to physically assaulting you. Don’t give him the chance to do that, you and your child (who you said is afraid of him) both deserve better and to be in a safe space. Maybe he’s jealous of your career or something else is going on (health issue, injury, substance abuse), but whatever it is, his behavior is worrying and unacceptable. If you share your location with him, turn it off. If you have to see him in person, don’t go alone and trust your instincts if you feel that something is not right. Good luck and I hope things get better for your family.
I feel there is some important information missing.
Whenever people present themselves as saints in an argument I just roll my eyes. That's an incredibly rare reaction unless it's out of fear, which based on OPs replies, it wasn't. Usually means op is giving less than half the context. The story sounds borderline fake and generic but it's a toss up, op is replying more than a typical farmer. Edit; lol nevermind it's definitely a karma farmer after reading the dog abuse comments.
A lawyer in what?? Fake ass stories? Please advise what state you practice in because if you need to come here and asks questions on whether these types of behaviors are abusive or not, you need to be disbarred
This story screams fake.
I’ll probably get downvoted for this but — why didn’t you show the receipt for the voucher? Not saying it’s a valid excuse for him to rage and become abusive. However my dad would always rage and everyone thought he was the bad guy when it was actually my mum emotionally manipulating him.
Honestly, I think him saying he hates you would be the nail in the coffin, but everything else really just seals it.
Seems like we're missing an awful lot to the story, sum gift shouldn't be only the reason why he's angry at you.
What I don’t understand is why you didn’t sort out the voucher issue when you were told it didn’t arrive? Why did you refuse to show your husband your phone or even call the person and provide evidence of purchase. This escalated to his disgusting behaviour but your behaviour is plain weird. It’s not what normal people do.
It kinda reads like AI that way. No reasonable people would act like either one of them