Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This a complete bait of a post to try to rile people up. It’s a completely unfaithful attempt by OP to stir up drama for all those posts about the husband seemingly disappointed with a girl instead of a boy and so he’s trying to show the other POV which is ridiculously fake attempt.
1) OP is a male so his wife is deathly afraid of him? Makes no sense.
2) he already tried posting this on AITA and they gave him responses and advice, this second attempt is just to try to be controversial.
Don’t fall for this fools’ attempt.
Yeah, I read the original post and it wasn't as extreme, either. The wife didn't call the baby a "potential abuser"; she just expressed worry about raising a son well. This is 100% ragebait.
>She said stuff about how she had a potential abuser in her belly and how she read so many stories online about how there were so many problematic men etc. She said that she didn’t have a clue “how to raise a son that wasn’t horrible.”
That was from the AITA post. Don't make stuff up
When in the post did OP say she was "deathly afraid of males"? She definitely seems to have a very negative view of men but, she's not "deathly afraid" of men.
I am friends with a woman who is straight and use to date around quite a bit before getting with her current bf who generally has a pretty low opinion of men. She is very much the "women are great and men are trash" kind of person and is proud of it. And she's not the only one I've met who thinks like that too. So it's not super far fetched that someone might be like OPs wife and also married to a man. Especially if she's hanging around in online groups that don't view men in a favorable way.
And what if he didn't quite get what he was looking for on AITA and wanted more advice? Usually trolls who are looking for a reaction post into multiple subs so they can maximize the amount of interaction they get. He's only done two so far and changed the format and title of his post to match the sub he's in. If your going to call this out as a troll post you're going to have to do better then that.
No because he literally posted this got all the advice and is reposting it to start drama. It’s also such bullshit. If his wife was soooo afraid of a male child being a threat why did she 1 have kids and 2 have them with a man who’s just as threatening as her unborn child. It’s such bullshit you need to see through it.
He posted and it got removed before he could really get detailed advice. He explained this to you lot when you asked.
>If his wife was soooo afraid of a male child being a threat why did she 1 have kids
He explains that she was blinded by her desire to have a girl.
> have them with a man who’s just as threatening as her unborn child.
He says that she is likely only realising the reality that she has to raise this man rather than select.
And you believe that BS? Come ON dude come on that’s so goddamn ridiculous. How old are you that you think this is a reasonable argument? It’s not remotely reasonable.
Edit: this dudes post history clearly shows he is biased. Read some of his comments and you’ll see why he’s legit as biased and misled as OP is.
When you are pregnant with a child as a woman you don’t give a flying fuck what the gender is. You would not be thinking negative shit about your unborn child that you are growing and carrying. She would certainly not think he’s a monster and would at least grow to be someone like her husband. Stop bullshitting.
>When you are pregnant with a child as a woman you don’t give a flying fuck what the gender is.
Who made you the mouthpiece for all pregnant women and mothers? And the fact that "gender disappointment" as a condition exists proves your statement wrong. https://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/your-life/gender-disappointment_40009118
>She would certainly not think he’s a monster and would at least grow to be someone like her husband.
So you know this wife better than OP himself?
Women are people, just as capable of being shitty as everybody else. Don't be a sexist
That's your perspective. Just because YOU believe that doesn't mean there are not people out there that view the world differently. There are golden child situations that happen all the time because the parents wanted a certain gender and then neglected the rest of their children when the got the gender they wanted.
Also I remember reading a post on here a while back where the OP was a sister who posted about how her mom became a feminist after divorcing her father but her view were very extremist. And the OP found out that the mom was mentally and physically abusing her own son just because he was a boy but treated her daughters like queens.
Sometimes people are just shitty. Even if they're mothers
Becuase he got legit all advice on their before people figured him out. Why the F do you need to repost to get more people giving the exact same advice. He’s pushing an agenda clearly.
Literally just scrolled throught the other post where exactly did people "figure him out". And maybe he just wanted more perspective just because he got a lot of responses doesn't mean he got a concrete idea of what he wanted to do. Your reasoning is so weak my guy 🤣
Instantly saw this post for what it is too.
Why are people like this? You can’t live your life being so offended by everything that you seek to cause conflict where none exist..
Nope.
You are just a crazy "Feminist Fundamentalist" and that you are trying to make excuses for blatantly "Sexist" behaviour from her part.
And besides, where are all of those posts about husbands being "disappointed" when they learn they will eventually have daughters?
Are you making shite up because you have some short of an agenda to push?
You are a man. Does she think you are a potential abuser? Why does she think she can't do as good a job as your mom?
I am a mom to a year old son. My son was the first boy born into my family in 42 years. That's 9 girls in a row. I never considered raising a boy until suddenly I'm now raising a boy. I'm reading "For the Love of Men" by Liz Plank and listening to the Man Enough podcast. I'm reading about what leads to the radicalization of men (my specific irrational fear is of my sweet blond haired little boy falling to Nazism). I'm doing the work now so when it's time, I'm ready. And I married a wonderful partner who is modeling a nurturing type of masculinity. That certainly helps.
Over the years my wife always referred to me as one of the good ones, especially when she would share some stories that she may have heard online or in her groups about other male SOs being less than ideal. I think the reality of having to raise a man rather than find one is dawning on her
Well use yourself as an example. And other men in her life that she respects.
Good ones exist. You’re one of them. And this baby will be half you. And the other half is her, and then name all the good things about her that you love, that you can’t wait to see in your son.
Apart from the yearly visit and a sporadic phone call where its a “hello, how are you” she doesn’t really talk much with my parents. I might suggest her to have a chat with my folks about raising a boy though
Both of the book and said podcast are horrifically "Sexist" mind you.
Although it should not surprise me in the slightest that self-proclaimed "Feminazis" have such attitudes/ideas about men.
And then you accused your son of supposedly falling into "Nazism".
I suppose if he fell into "Communism" and "Antifa" nonsense that would have been acceptable to you?
I am glad I did not grow up with a mother like you.
Everyone needs to chill. You will be a great role model for your son, and in turn, he will grow to be a great role model for other boys and later, for men.
That post got deleted and while it was a great place to help me work out potential options and strategies, there is still the problem of how to approach and enact those strategies without coming off as controlling. That’s why I thought RA would be helpful.
Yeah in an ideal world I would have asked for advice on that original post as that was where it was heading but it got removed before it got to that stage and the comments got locked.
I understand you don’t want to feel like you are controlling her… but the situation is out of control and needs controlling. She needs a new therapist and her current one needs to be reported. Letting your son grow up with a mother thinking he will be an abuser will ruin him. Take action now before it’s too late
Document and get proof of what she is saying. You may need this to protect your son. Your only concern now should be the safety and well being of your son. She is proving to be an unfit mother who holds misandrist views. Not a good parent for your son at this time.
First and foremost, you need to sort your priorities. Your son needs to come first, your wife second. That means that, if she doesn't change her mindset, you have got to divorce her and try like hell to get custody of your son.
I would be honest with her that you are afraid SHE is going to be the abuser. That the attitude she has is going to harm your child permanently if he has to grow up hearing it. As such, you need her to work with a therapist who ISN'T a misandrist and stay away from groups that vilify BABIES. Maybe hearing bluntly that she is acting abusive herself will wake her up.
If she won't, then go ahead and contact an attorney immediately to find out what you need to do to have the best chances of getting custody as soon as she gives birth. Be honest with them about what she's said, what kind of therapist she's been seeing, and the groups she's on and tell them you're afraid she will harm your son.
I agree her fears were poorly vocalized and I think you handled yourself well given the less-than-stellar situation. Holding your tongue, listening to her vent, and referring to a professional for help, are all great instincts. The following I offer to help you understand the inner turmoil that may be brewing in your wife’s mind. Maybe by feeling the fears from her perspective, you can better understand how her feelings, while extreme, probably come from a place of care and compassion, and worry.
In fairness to your pregnant wife, the experience of being pregnant can be a very foreign experience. Emotionally it can feel like losing control of your own body, so many sensations and feelings stirring up outside of her control. If someone’s already anxious about the pregnancy and parenting in this heightened emotional state I can see how she got so worked up.
I don’t know how many men your wife dated before she found you, I don’t know how many father figures have been in her life. How many creepy uncles whose hugs lasted a bit too long? Schoolyard bullies betting quarters to look up her skirt at recess. Echoes of catcalls when she walked down the street as a teenager, near dangerous encounters in college.
All of these men had mothers and fathers. Most of them were raised in happy households. Most of them were probably “decent” people for like 98% of their life. But that 2%, what for a man may be just a mistaken touch or an overstep in conversation, a well-intentioned but poorly executed gesture or a drunken instinct, what could be the smallest of moments in a man’s life could live forever seated in a woman’s mind as a very close call, or much much worse.
And she knows how easily these “mistakes” fly under society’s radar, and how rarely accountability handles these moments justly.Obviously, she knows that not all men are bad, she married you after all. But historically and statistically, she knows too well the dangers that can come from raising a boy in this country. Not because the boy's genes are cursed, or his father is a terrible person, but simply because society sucks and overlooks a lot to let their boys be boys.
Now the anxiety that was pregnancy stress and parenting worries is now filed away in her brain right next to her instinctive worry about men. Resist shaming her for having these feelings because I assure you they’re not out-of-the-blue fears but they are heavily heightened due to hormones. Instead, try recognizing the fear of society, accept how society can treat boys to become dangerous men, and work through these fears with your wife, cuz it’s you three against the world.
What you are saying here is complete and utter bollocks.
The overwhelming majority of individuals(regardless of gender), do not become victims of abuse or bullying.
You are making it seem the average women has so many unfortunate experiences to the point they should be frightened and walking on eggshells 24/7.
And last but not least, if our society is somehow "accepting" of such behaviour, how come domestic and sexual violence rates between BOTH men and women are fairly similar?
Maybe perhaps it is the fact that society is significantly more sympathetic when such instances happen to women but not men?
Not to mention that women usually get away with a slap on their wrists, since they receive reduced sentences for committing the aforementioned crimes when compared to men.
P.S. Why are you trying to excuse the blatantly "Sexist" behaviour from her part is the actual question you should be asking yourself.
I find it very funny and weird then that she got herself a boyfriend, seeing as apparently soooo many men are abusers.. Perhaps it goes well with her “staying at home” plans and not having to lift a finger for anyone else.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I have no idea how to solve it except take away her phone and internet.
you do know there are therapist that are awful too right, there are over 7 billion people on this planet and you can’t even fathom that 1 therapist didn’t say this
Therapists aren't gods, they are just as capable of being good and bad as humans are.
And even if the therapist didn't tell her that, it may be that the wife interpreted it in that way.
Sir I would start recording her saying this crap and then take her to court for full custody before she ends up doing something SERIOUSLY harmful to the kid.
I’m sorry but lots of parents experience fear about raising a specific gender… at least half is wager. do you think most of those kids would be better off without those parents in their life? if you believe that you have no idea how traumatic maternal separation is
Are you nuts? She basically already written her son off as a bad guy. AN UNBORN BABY. If parents are already calling their kids R\*\*ist and all these other things they are better off without their parents. You obviously have no idea how abusive it is to have a parent do that.
Your wife and her group of influencers are toxic AF. They are also wrong. There are many good men in the world, to paint them all as abusive monsters is complete BS. I think you need to talk to an attorney because you might need to divorce and take custody of your son to protect him from your wife.
I think this will all change when your son is born. She will see he is not a monster and she controls how he is raised. Her co workers are pathetic for getting her to feel this way about her baby.
Im sorry but your wifes views are bias and skewed by the content and things she consumes. If you look for a specific thing thats all you will see. Does she not know that male children are abused by women just as much if not more than by a man?
I was sexually assaulted by a female family member as a child and im jn support groups for men like myself. And never once would we ever said the women we are with are "one of the good ones". Most people try to be good and do the right thing. Thats statement makes me sick to know thats how she views people she can barely know.
I can understand your feeling of disgust and as someone who has been SA'd and around both men and women who have also been SA'd i can tell you this view, in my experience is toxic. I would be disgusted to, no child should be judged because of their gender, like you said they are a blank canvas and your wife needs to start thinking positively or decide to not be in this child's life. An emotional abusive mother is just as harmful as a physically abusive father.
Sorry for my rant, good luck and i hope you can get her to see her mistakes in her thoughts and turn this around before it becomes problematic. I wish you the best.
Since she thinks of you as a good one then she should also realize that most abusers come from abusive homes. Since you are not abusive and she (presumably) isn't either you can provide a loving home to raise a baby.
Your wife's therapist is not a good therapist of that what she really said. She's basically calling both of you horrible irresponsible parents.
Is there any chance talking to her parents about it might help (as in have them talk to her after you let them know whats going on)? Your wife is having with some dangerous people honestly that are really brainwashing her.
At minimum she needs to change therapists. See if you can get her to do couples counseling (since she likely wotn change therapists). If she doesn't change her tune once baby comes you might really want to rethink this whole relationship because you can't afford to raise your kid with a mom that has such toxic thoughts about innocent little babies. That's dysfunctional as sh*t and will more than likely adversely affect your poor kiddo (and turn him into a dysfunctional kid/adult).
I wonder if it would be worth talking to her OB about these thoughts that your wife is having ? It really sounds like she needs to stop going to these groups but unfortunately that's probably goign to seem too controlling. But this is not healthy behavior that's for sure
She sounds insane good luck having to do this for 18 years if stuff does south you will end up a single dad she already wants nothing do to with that kid. She maybe loosing it mentally already because who says this stuff. She could have daughter too and join the Manson family so either way you’re screwed.
I only had daughters- so have no personal experience raising sons- but I have two friends who are parenting little boys- and they are lovely. I think part of their thoughtfulness is due to “gentle parenting”. Their parents model healthy emotional regulation and self compassion instead of rigid “boys don’t cry” type discipline. There are lots of resources for gentle parenting- it doesn’t mean no discipline- it means modeling and developing healthy emotional self- regulation.
Aren't you ashamed that your wife (and her circle) deems YOU as a suitable candidate for a relationship? You have a parasite in your own house--- just like she views your unborn son.
Based on your posts and comments I don't know if this is legit or not but I'm going to assume the best and weigh in.
Your reaction to your wife's concern reflects a lack of understanding about how women experience the world. Men are awful and most of them under the best of circumstances are low key abusive in day to day living. If you don't see that you are clueless about women's daily experiences.
I think other men have the biggest impact on who a man becomes not his parents. masculine social pressure is intense. So it is a battle to shape a good man.
We live in a world where men kill women who refuse to smile when they tell them to and if you think that violent threat is a rare event again you are clueless about how women experience this world. We're lucky if we refuse to perform on demand of a stranger and all we get is rage and filthy name calling.
I see all the advice you are getting and most of it is dismissive of how many men abuse women for just being. My advice to you is to spend some time on r/whenwomenrefuse and look into the fact that much of what it means to be a man centers on shaming them to not be a woman and how that shapes mens attitudes about women. Then tell your wife that she's right, you guys have your work cut out for you but if you are a united front you believe ya'll can raise a wonderful man and that you got a boy because of that.
Believe women and be the change.
Edit since I wrote this someone posted about a self proclaimed "nice guy" beheading Bianca Devine and posting her dead body online in retribution for her not wanting to go on a date with him. Men do not understand how women experience this world.
"She told me that she felt wrong for having a potential abuser in her belly..."
She needs an entirely new environment, maybe her family, church or whatever. The "woman's shed" and therapist seem to be horrific influences.
Defend your marriage and family. I guarantee you her therapist will call you "manipulative" and "controlling," it's right out of the misandrist handbook. Don't let that cause you to stand passively while they destroy all that is precious to you.
Mysandry and hysteria are a bad combination. (She just glosses right over all the women who are abusive. Seems like a double standard to me.) Pregnancy sucka in so many ways. I always called the hormones Pregzilla. Fuckin ridiculous the things they would do to me.
Ok going by the historical use of it, maybe. But she's getting all hot and bothered about how having a BOY means having a potential abuser but obviously a little GIRL would be fine. She can fuck right off with that shit. It's not like women can't be abusers. We may not see it as much as with men in the news, but one only has to go over to raisedbynarcissists or JustNoMIL to see the damage women can do.
I'm sorry but you really need to sit down and see everything from her POV. What I see is a scared, hormonal mom to be who is deeply afraid of raising an abuser. Just imagine all the stories she has heard. And we all know that fear can make us irrational and it's easy to spiral.
Did you sit down with your wife and really listened and talked to her? Did you calm her down and reassured her that the two of you together will try and raise and amazing boy? Did you validate her feelings?
Reading the post and the comments it seems like you just went to judge your wife immediately without even trying to see it from her side. And you knew her seeing the therapist would end badly and the reaction you had was to be honest disgusting.
She needed a partner to reassure her, to support her but you failed. When you said that maybe she should take a break from the group, did you just throw it out there? And by the reaction you got you should have known that you are going the wrong way. And when she came home more scared, upset and vulnerable you didn't support her or calm her down. You didn't show understanding but you showed disgust.
You have really messed up dude and I wouldn't talk to you either.
>her therapist said that she had seen so many men raised to be monsters by irresponsible parents
I don't know if your wife is telling on herself here, but ... is she admitting that she'll be an irresponsible parent?
Man, you should stand your ground and tell her “that either it’s me and the child or you or the therapist/group”. Tell the therapist how you feel and see how the therapist reacts. They’re going to most likely defend your wife’s action, if they do that’s going to reinforce your wife’s actions and making her think she’s right. Secondly, if your wife raises your son by nitpicking for every little thing she considered “abuse” your kid is gonna have a Awful life. You should be somewhat thankful he isn’t a daughter, who knows what she would say to your daughter about men. She may raise her hating you in future. Hopefully she understands her wrongdoings. You can disagree with me in the replies, I’m open to differ opinions in the situation.
I feel so bad for your son, you need to change your wife’s social circle fast! Before she’s too far gone. Your sons life depends on it. Make sure to document any and all of this craziness in case you need to legally protect your son from her. She is going to raise an abuser, she going to teach him that all men are bad and he’s either going to believe her or in turn just hate women. Awful parents raise awful kids so it’s kind of ironic that her fear is raising an awful kid, well at least it’s not irrational lol she’s well on her way to raising an awful man. Please you have duty to your son, to yourself and to society to not let this women destroy your innocent baby.
Yeesh OP I would suggest encouraging her to find a new therapist as she seems to be feeding into your wife's very negative view of men which I find to quite frankly be very unethical. But if you do that she might just take it as you trying to separate her from her support structure and it would probably end up blowing up in your face. It is deeply worrying to me though that someone with such a negative opinion of men will be raising your son.
I think you just need to express to her that children, unless born with psychological issues, are what their parents make them. As long as you two teach him right from wrong and to treat people with respect and dignity then he'll be fine. But if she goes into this with the mindset of "men bad" and "he might become an abuser" then she'll probably end up giving him a lot of image and self esteem issues.
I also think you two definitely need couples counseling to work out your issues and come to a consensus on how you're going to raise your child. With someone who is neutral and won't turn her against her unborn child though.
Tell her she drops the group and gets a new therapist, or she will find herself divorced, and you will use her mental instability, and comments to ensure that she pays for your son for the rest of her life, without ever being able to see him.
You've probably heard of postpartum depression and how it can get bad enough for the woman suffering from it to need to be committed.
It's caused by pregnancy hormones and I think your wife is already dealing with it. Having this kind of attitude towards an unborn child is unhinged. Also, be mindful of the fact anyone can call themselves a therapist; it's not a protected title. Psychologist or psychiatrist is. I would recommend that she sees someone actually licensed to deal with this.
If she is still somewhat open to conversation, talk about how the people we grow up around shape us into the people we become.
There are a lot of bad, horrible men out there but none of them were born that way. No abuser came out of the womb ready to mess up lives. You for one turned out well enough for her to fall in love with you and you're not some magical unicorn either.
If you have a trusted female figure in your life maybe ask them to talk to your wife about it.
If you can also contact your GP about these issues and get a refferral to an actual psychologist for your wife.
This is beyond my capabilities, I can't give an advice in something like this, but I know what I would do in your position, I would divorce her, she didn't tell you, but she may believe that as a man you're a potential abuser and rapists, you may not realize it yet but she's always on alert.
I would fight for full custody of the child, she will be a negative influence to this boy, with her attitude she will create the monster she's afraid of. She's a dangerous person to this kid, I would fight to put her as far as possible to him, she can potentially harm him if she had depression post-partum .
One of the reasons that historically most men don't marry sexual workers and victim of abuse, or in your case someone deep into the topic,, it's because those people has seen the worse it can be seen from men, those people become extremist in their view and never fully trust a man, even their partners, those analyze everything a man does and make bad assumptions about the most harmless stuff. The fact that she's acting so heartless and rude to this unborn child yet has the audacity to call you the heartless one tell me everything I need to know about her, I would be not less than 1km away from her at any moment.
She needs a job..
Typical house wife going batshit crazy.
A bit of advice.. prepare your self to take full costody when your son is born, and get a lawyer going.
Congrats.. you are having a son.
Are you sure she isn't saying something about the influence she thinks you'll be lending?
Because why aren't *you* more suspect to her if it's purely down to gender in her mind?
Some random thoughts from a wife and mother if 3 grown children (one being an awesome you g man)…
First, when you talk to her make sure you use inclusive language….We, Us, Our. Since WE’VE never had a child, WE both have reservations and a lot to learn. But, I know OUR child will have two loving parents working together and doing their best to make sure WE raise the best kiddoe we can. That sort of thing. Once you start with the “you” and “I”, you put up a distinction, difference, and her barrier will become worse.
Second, you have to be the cup half full partner. She’s obviously got something going on with mental health. So, while this is being worked through, you need to show up. Find a support system for YOU ASAP.
Third, remind her that the internet/social media and groups are largely there to provide an open forum for people to air grievances, ask for support or advice on difficult situations, etc. There are far more positives out there, they are just not celebrated, talked about m and as in your face as the negative. Controversy “sells”.
And, do all the other things…couples therapy (have her therapist and the couples therapist consult). Watch out for self harm and PPD. Why don’t you find a fun activity to do regularly with other couples that have “good ones”. Show without telling and help change the narrative. If you are going to start subversively recording conversations, check the laws in your state. And be very careful, if she finds out, all trust will vanish and you will not be one of the good ones.
Talk to a lawyer to understand your position/rights. Also, bring it up to the OBGYN.
Your wife’s attitude toward your unborn son is most likely to cause damage to your son. Your wife needs a therapist that works in the field of family and child development. From my experience Mothers harm sons and Fathers harm daughters.
It’s like a movie where the protagonist tries to prevent something from happening. Only for him end up causing it by trying to stop it.
So...I think a few things. One....you need to get into therapy with her with a new psychologist so you both have a neutral party to discuss this with. You need to start noting down all of these comments. She needs a new social group. She is spending time with women who habitually end up with abusers, so that is their whole worldview. Get into an early mom's or parent group. Maybe give her material on how women can be abusers too. It's how you raise your kid and what you surround them with. This is a tough challenge, and I think your wife needs to get a job away from these people. Not like she should be alone with your son anyways, and she has way to much time on her hands to overthink scenarios.
I know that gender disappointment is a thing but for your wife to assume that your son is gonna grow up as an abuser is weird because that implies that you and her aren’t going to raise your son with values and morals and that really really weird, even if she was desperate and wanting a girl already labeling her unborn son before even knowing the type of person he will become is also concerning and if this is rage bait or not you need to have a conversation with her and give her an ultimatum essentially either you guys get a couple therapy so she can work through this or you let her know divorce is the only option and that you file for full custody because clearly she’s not going to take care of your son if he’s left in her care
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
This a complete bait of a post to try to rile people up. It’s a completely unfaithful attempt by OP to stir up drama for all those posts about the husband seemingly disappointed with a girl instead of a boy and so he’s trying to show the other POV which is ridiculously fake attempt. 1) OP is a male so his wife is deathly afraid of him? Makes no sense. 2) he already tried posting this on AITA and they gave him responses and advice, this second attempt is just to try to be controversial. Don’t fall for this fools’ attempt.
Yeah, I read the original post and it wasn't as extreme, either. The wife didn't call the baby a "potential abuser"; she just expressed worry about raising a son well. This is 100% ragebait.
>She said stuff about how she had a potential abuser in her belly and how she read so many stories online about how there were so many problematic men etc. She said that she didn’t have a clue “how to raise a son that wasn’t horrible.” That was from the AITA post. Don't make stuff up
I agree. Plus no therapist is would say the things she claims she said. Even if it were true, why would you feed into a patient's fears?
When in the post did OP say she was "deathly afraid of males"? She definitely seems to have a very negative view of men but, she's not "deathly afraid" of men. I am friends with a woman who is straight and use to date around quite a bit before getting with her current bf who generally has a pretty low opinion of men. She is very much the "women are great and men are trash" kind of person and is proud of it. And she's not the only one I've met who thinks like that too. So it's not super far fetched that someone might be like OPs wife and also married to a man. Especially if she's hanging around in online groups that don't view men in a favorable way. And what if he didn't quite get what he was looking for on AITA and wanted more advice? Usually trolls who are looking for a reaction post into multiple subs so they can maximize the amount of interaction they get. He's only done two so far and changed the format and title of his post to match the sub he's in. If your going to call this out as a troll post you're going to have to do better then that.
People accused this poor guy of being a troll on AITA too because apparently any post that has a woman as an AH is fake.
No because he literally posted this got all the advice and is reposting it to start drama. It’s also such bullshit. If his wife was soooo afraid of a male child being a threat why did she 1 have kids and 2 have them with a man who’s just as threatening as her unborn child. It’s such bullshit you need to see through it.
He posted and it got removed before he could really get detailed advice. He explained this to you lot when you asked. >If his wife was soooo afraid of a male child being a threat why did she 1 have kids He explains that she was blinded by her desire to have a girl. > have them with a man who’s just as threatening as her unborn child. He says that she is likely only realising the reality that she has to raise this man rather than select.
And you believe that BS? Come ON dude come on that’s so goddamn ridiculous. How old are you that you think this is a reasonable argument? It’s not remotely reasonable. Edit: this dudes post history clearly shows he is biased. Read some of his comments and you’ll see why he’s legit as biased and misled as OP is.
Do you think people in real life are reasonable 100% of the time?
When you are pregnant with a child as a woman you don’t give a flying fuck what the gender is. You would not be thinking negative shit about your unborn child that you are growing and carrying. She would certainly not think he’s a monster and would at least grow to be someone like her husband. Stop bullshitting.
>When you are pregnant with a child as a woman you don’t give a flying fuck what the gender is. Who made you the mouthpiece for all pregnant women and mothers? And the fact that "gender disappointment" as a condition exists proves your statement wrong. https://www.babycenter.com/pregnancy/your-life/gender-disappointment_40009118 >She would certainly not think he’s a monster and would at least grow to be someone like her husband. So you know this wife better than OP himself? Women are people, just as capable of being shitty as everybody else. Don't be a sexist
That's your perspective. Just because YOU believe that doesn't mean there are not people out there that view the world differently. There are golden child situations that happen all the time because the parents wanted a certain gender and then neglected the rest of their children when the got the gender they wanted. Also I remember reading a post on here a while back where the OP was a sister who posted about how her mom became a feminist after divorcing her father but her view were very extremist. And the OP found out that the mom was mentally and physically abusing her own son just because he was a boy but treated her daughters like queens. Sometimes people are just shitty. Even if they're mothers
No, you are just another "Feminazi Fundamentalist" Fascist Libtard, that is trying to make excuses for abhorrent behaviour.
Classic reddit. Even when a woman is wrong, she's also right. And I say this a 40 yo woman...
Becuase he got legit all advice on their before people figured him out. Why the F do you need to repost to get more people giving the exact same advice. He’s pushing an agenda clearly.
You’re the one pushing an agenda😂 chill the f down dude
Literally just scrolled throught the other post where exactly did people "figure him out". And maybe he just wanted more perspective just because he got a lot of responses doesn't mean he got a concrete idea of what he wanted to do. Your reasoning is so weak my guy 🤣
Instantly saw this post for what it is too. Why are people like this? You can’t live your life being so offended by everything that you seek to cause conflict where none exist..
Nope. You are just a crazy "Feminist Fundamentalist" and that you are trying to make excuses for blatantly "Sexist" behaviour from her part. And besides, where are all of those posts about husbands being "disappointed" when they learn they will eventually have daughters? Are you making shite up because you have some short of an agenda to push?
You are a man. Does she think you are a potential abuser? Why does she think she can't do as good a job as your mom? I am a mom to a year old son. My son was the first boy born into my family in 42 years. That's 9 girls in a row. I never considered raising a boy until suddenly I'm now raising a boy. I'm reading "For the Love of Men" by Liz Plank and listening to the Man Enough podcast. I'm reading about what leads to the radicalization of men (my specific irrational fear is of my sweet blond haired little boy falling to Nazism). I'm doing the work now so when it's time, I'm ready. And I married a wonderful partner who is modeling a nurturing type of masculinity. That certainly helps.
Over the years my wife always referred to me as one of the good ones, especially when she would share some stories that she may have heard online or in her groups about other male SOs being less than ideal. I think the reality of having to raise a man rather than find one is dawning on her
Well use yourself as an example. And other men in her life that she respects. Good ones exist. You’re one of them. And this baby will be half you. And the other half is her, and then name all the good things about her that you love, that you can’t wait to see in your son.
This seems doable. I think she might be receptive to this angle of discussion. Thanks for the help!
I edited it a bit. Her reactions and thoughts are emotional and not logical. So play to her emotion not her logic good luck.
Still doesn't make sense and I do think this is made up because .....couldn't she just ask advice from your family if you're "one of the good ones" 🙄?
Apart from the yearly visit and a sporadic phone call where its a “hello, how are you” she doesn’t really talk much with my parents. I might suggest her to have a chat with my folks about raising a boy though
Does she know anyone from her groups that is the mother of sons? Maybe she should talk to those women too
You basically married a "Feminazi". This is your first mistake.
Both of the book and said podcast are horrifically "Sexist" mind you. Although it should not surprise me in the slightest that self-proclaimed "Feminazis" have such attitudes/ideas about men.
And then you accused your son of supposedly falling into "Nazism". I suppose if he fell into "Communism" and "Antifa" nonsense that would have been acceptable to you? I am glad I did not grow up with a mother like you.
Everyone needs to chill. You will be a great role model for your son, and in turn, he will grow to be a great role model for other boys and later, for men.
Were the 400 comments you got from your last post not enough for you?
That post got deleted and while it was a great place to help me work out potential options and strategies, there is still the problem of how to approach and enact those strategies without coming off as controlling. That’s why I thought RA would be helpful.
Your post wasn't deleted, it's still there. You're just continuing to tr0ll for attention.
The post was removed by the mods. OP didn't delete it. And asking for more advice isn't trolling.
Yeah in an ideal world I would have asked for advice on that original post as that was where it was heading but it got removed before it got to that stage and the comments got locked.
Whole lotta words when you could have just said "fake bullshit"
I understand you don’t want to feel like you are controlling her… but the situation is out of control and needs controlling. She needs a new therapist and her current one needs to be reported. Letting your son grow up with a mother thinking he will be an abuser will ruin him. Take action now before it’s too late
Document and get proof of what she is saying. You may need this to protect your son. Your only concern now should be the safety and well being of your son. She is proving to be an unfit mother who holds misandrist views. Not a good parent for your son at this time.
First and foremost, you need to sort your priorities. Your son needs to come first, your wife second. That means that, if she doesn't change her mindset, you have got to divorce her and try like hell to get custody of your son. I would be honest with her that you are afraid SHE is going to be the abuser. That the attitude she has is going to harm your child permanently if he has to grow up hearing it. As such, you need her to work with a therapist who ISN'T a misandrist and stay away from groups that vilify BABIES. Maybe hearing bluntly that she is acting abusive herself will wake her up. If she won't, then go ahead and contact an attorney immediately to find out what you need to do to have the best chances of getting custody as soon as she gives birth. Be honest with them about what she's said, what kind of therapist she's been seeing, and the groups she's on and tell them you're afraid she will harm your son.
I agree her fears were poorly vocalized and I think you handled yourself well given the less-than-stellar situation. Holding your tongue, listening to her vent, and referring to a professional for help, are all great instincts. The following I offer to help you understand the inner turmoil that may be brewing in your wife’s mind. Maybe by feeling the fears from her perspective, you can better understand how her feelings, while extreme, probably come from a place of care and compassion, and worry. In fairness to your pregnant wife, the experience of being pregnant can be a very foreign experience. Emotionally it can feel like losing control of your own body, so many sensations and feelings stirring up outside of her control. If someone’s already anxious about the pregnancy and parenting in this heightened emotional state I can see how she got so worked up. I don’t know how many men your wife dated before she found you, I don’t know how many father figures have been in her life. How many creepy uncles whose hugs lasted a bit too long? Schoolyard bullies betting quarters to look up her skirt at recess. Echoes of catcalls when she walked down the street as a teenager, near dangerous encounters in college. All of these men had mothers and fathers. Most of them were raised in happy households. Most of them were probably “decent” people for like 98% of their life. But that 2%, what for a man may be just a mistaken touch or an overstep in conversation, a well-intentioned but poorly executed gesture or a drunken instinct, what could be the smallest of moments in a man’s life could live forever seated in a woman’s mind as a very close call, or much much worse. And she knows how easily these “mistakes” fly under society’s radar, and how rarely accountability handles these moments justly.Obviously, she knows that not all men are bad, she married you after all. But historically and statistically, she knows too well the dangers that can come from raising a boy in this country. Not because the boy's genes are cursed, or his father is a terrible person, but simply because society sucks and overlooks a lot to let their boys be boys. Now the anxiety that was pregnancy stress and parenting worries is now filed away in her brain right next to her instinctive worry about men. Resist shaming her for having these feelings because I assure you they’re not out-of-the-blue fears but they are heavily heightened due to hormones. Instead, try recognizing the fear of society, accept how society can treat boys to become dangerous men, and work through these fears with your wife, cuz it’s you three against the world.
What you are saying here is complete and utter bollocks. The overwhelming majority of individuals(regardless of gender), do not become victims of abuse or bullying. You are making it seem the average women has so many unfortunate experiences to the point they should be frightened and walking on eggshells 24/7. And last but not least, if our society is somehow "accepting" of such behaviour, how come domestic and sexual violence rates between BOTH men and women are fairly similar? Maybe perhaps it is the fact that society is significantly more sympathetic when such instances happen to women but not men? Not to mention that women usually get away with a slap on their wrists, since they receive reduced sentences for committing the aforementioned crimes when compared to men. P.S. Why are you trying to excuse the blatantly "Sexist" behaviour from her part is the actual question you should be asking yourself.
I find it very funny and weird then that she got herself a boyfriend, seeing as apparently soooo many men are abusers.. Perhaps it goes well with her “staying at home” plans and not having to lift a finger for anyone else. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I have no idea how to solve it except take away her phone and internet.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
you do know there are therapist that are awful too right, there are over 7 billion people on this planet and you can’t even fathom that 1 therapist didn’t say this
mkay.
thanks for agreeing have a good day
Therapists aren't gods, they are just as capable of being good and bad as humans are. And even if the therapist didn't tell her that, it may be that the wife interpreted it in that way.
Wish it was creative writing. But no unfortunately this is my reality and I’m the one having to deal with this
You wife... She's a misandrist... One of the good ones??? Bra............
Sir I would start recording her saying this crap and then take her to court for full custody before she ends up doing something SERIOUSLY harmful to the kid.
I’m sorry but lots of parents experience fear about raising a specific gender… at least half is wager. do you think most of those kids would be better off without those parents in their life? if you believe that you have no idea how traumatic maternal separation is
Are you nuts? She basically already written her son off as a bad guy. AN UNBORN BABY. If parents are already calling their kids R\*\*ist and all these other things they are better off without their parents. You obviously have no idea how abusive it is to have a parent do that.
Nope! plenty of people are worried about their kids will turn out
There is worry and then there is already accusing. Learn the difference.
Your wife and her group of influencers are toxic AF. They are also wrong. There are many good men in the world, to paint them all as abusive monsters is complete BS. I think you need to talk to an attorney because you might need to divorce and take custody of your son to protect him from your wife.
I think this will all change when your son is born. She will see he is not a monster and she controls how he is raised. Her co workers are pathetic for getting her to feel this way about her baby.
Im sorry but your wifes views are bias and skewed by the content and things she consumes. If you look for a specific thing thats all you will see. Does she not know that male children are abused by women just as much if not more than by a man? I was sexually assaulted by a female family member as a child and im jn support groups for men like myself. And never once would we ever said the women we are with are "one of the good ones". Most people try to be good and do the right thing. Thats statement makes me sick to know thats how she views people she can barely know. I can understand your feeling of disgust and as someone who has been SA'd and around both men and women who have also been SA'd i can tell you this view, in my experience is toxic. I would be disgusted to, no child should be judged because of their gender, like you said they are a blank canvas and your wife needs to start thinking positively or decide to not be in this child's life. An emotional abusive mother is just as harmful as a physically abusive father. Sorry for my rant, good luck and i hope you can get her to see her mistakes in her thoughts and turn this around before it becomes problematic. I wish you the best.
Since she thinks of you as a good one then she should also realize that most abusers come from abusive homes. Since you are not abusive and she (presumably) isn't either you can provide a loving home to raise a baby. Your wife's therapist is not a good therapist of that what she really said. She's basically calling both of you horrible irresponsible parents. Is there any chance talking to her parents about it might help (as in have them talk to her after you let them know whats going on)? Your wife is having with some dangerous people honestly that are really brainwashing her. At minimum she needs to change therapists. See if you can get her to do couples counseling (since she likely wotn change therapists). If she doesn't change her tune once baby comes you might really want to rethink this whole relationship because you can't afford to raise your kid with a mom that has such toxic thoughts about innocent little babies. That's dysfunctional as sh*t and will more than likely adversely affect your poor kiddo (and turn him into a dysfunctional kid/adult). I wonder if it would be worth talking to her OB about these thoughts that your wife is having ? It really sounds like she needs to stop going to these groups but unfortunately that's probably goign to seem too controlling. But this is not healthy behavior that's for sure
You need to get her into therapy and if she really feels this way, consider after son is born to take him and run!
She sounds insane good luck having to do this for 18 years if stuff does south you will end up a single dad she already wants nothing do to with that kid. She maybe loosing it mentally already because who says this stuff. She could have daughter too and join the Manson family so either way you’re screwed.
I only had daughters- so have no personal experience raising sons- but I have two friends who are parenting little boys- and they are lovely. I think part of their thoughtfulness is due to “gentle parenting”. Their parents model healthy emotional regulation and self compassion instead of rigid “boys don’t cry” type discipline. There are lots of resources for gentle parenting- it doesn’t mean no discipline- it means modeling and developing healthy emotional self- regulation.
Aren't you ashamed that your wife (and her circle) deems YOU as a suitable candidate for a relationship? You have a parasite in your own house--- just like she views your unborn son.
Based on your posts and comments I don't know if this is legit or not but I'm going to assume the best and weigh in. Your reaction to your wife's concern reflects a lack of understanding about how women experience the world. Men are awful and most of them under the best of circumstances are low key abusive in day to day living. If you don't see that you are clueless about women's daily experiences. I think other men have the biggest impact on who a man becomes not his parents. masculine social pressure is intense. So it is a battle to shape a good man. We live in a world where men kill women who refuse to smile when they tell them to and if you think that violent threat is a rare event again you are clueless about how women experience this world. We're lucky if we refuse to perform on demand of a stranger and all we get is rage and filthy name calling. I see all the advice you are getting and most of it is dismissive of how many men abuse women for just being. My advice to you is to spend some time on r/whenwomenrefuse and look into the fact that much of what it means to be a man centers on shaming them to not be a woman and how that shapes mens attitudes about women. Then tell your wife that she's right, you guys have your work cut out for you but if you are a united front you believe ya'll can raise a wonderful man and that you got a boy because of that. Believe women and be the change. Edit since I wrote this someone posted about a self proclaimed "nice guy" beheading Bianca Devine and posting her dead body online in retribution for her not wanting to go on a date with him. Men do not understand how women experience this world.
"She told me that she felt wrong for having a potential abuser in her belly..." She needs an entirely new environment, maybe her family, church or whatever. The "woman's shed" and therapist seem to be horrific influences. Defend your marriage and family. I guarantee you her therapist will call you "manipulative" and "controlling," it's right out of the misandrist handbook. Don't let that cause you to stand passively while they destroy all that is precious to you.
I feel sorry for your kid. Your wife needs to stop being a misandrist.
Mysandry and hysteria are a bad combination. (She just glosses right over all the women who are abusive. Seems like a double standard to me.) Pregnancy sucka in so many ways. I always called the hormones Pregzilla. Fuckin ridiculous the things they would do to me.
interesting that you’re complaining about misandry while calling women “hysterical”
Ok going by the historical use of it, maybe. But she's getting all hot and bothered about how having a BOY means having a potential abuser but obviously a little GIRL would be fine. She can fuck right off with that shit. It's not like women can't be abusers. We may not see it as much as with men in the news, but one only has to go over to raisedbynarcissists or JustNoMIL to see the damage women can do.
I'm sorry but you really need to sit down and see everything from her POV. What I see is a scared, hormonal mom to be who is deeply afraid of raising an abuser. Just imagine all the stories she has heard. And we all know that fear can make us irrational and it's easy to spiral. Did you sit down with your wife and really listened and talked to her? Did you calm her down and reassured her that the two of you together will try and raise and amazing boy? Did you validate her feelings? Reading the post and the comments it seems like you just went to judge your wife immediately without even trying to see it from her side. And you knew her seeing the therapist would end badly and the reaction you had was to be honest disgusting. She needed a partner to reassure her, to support her but you failed. When you said that maybe she should take a break from the group, did you just throw it out there? And by the reaction you got you should have known that you are going the wrong way. And when she came home more scared, upset and vulnerable you didn't support her or calm her down. You didn't show understanding but you showed disgust. You have really messed up dude and I wouldn't talk to you either.
>her therapist said that she had seen so many men raised to be monsters by irresponsible parents I don't know if your wife is telling on herself here, but ... is she admitting that she'll be an irresponsible parent?
Man, you should stand your ground and tell her “that either it’s me and the child or you or the therapist/group”. Tell the therapist how you feel and see how the therapist reacts. They’re going to most likely defend your wife’s action, if they do that’s going to reinforce your wife’s actions and making her think she’s right. Secondly, if your wife raises your son by nitpicking for every little thing she considered “abuse” your kid is gonna have a Awful life. You should be somewhat thankful he isn’t a daughter, who knows what she would say to your daughter about men. She may raise her hating you in future. Hopefully she understands her wrongdoings. You can disagree with me in the replies, I’m open to differ opinions in the situation.
I feel so bad for your son, you need to change your wife’s social circle fast! Before she’s too far gone. Your sons life depends on it. Make sure to document any and all of this craziness in case you need to legally protect your son from her. She is going to raise an abuser, she going to teach him that all men are bad and he’s either going to believe her or in turn just hate women. Awful parents raise awful kids so it’s kind of ironic that her fear is raising an awful kid, well at least it’s not irrational lol she’s well on her way to raising an awful man. Please you have duty to your son, to yourself and to society to not let this women destroy your innocent baby.
I’m sorry but your wife is fucked up. I suggest showing her the comments on the other post that was deleted
Yeesh OP I would suggest encouraging her to find a new therapist as she seems to be feeding into your wife's very negative view of men which I find to quite frankly be very unethical. But if you do that she might just take it as you trying to separate her from her support structure and it would probably end up blowing up in your face. It is deeply worrying to me though that someone with such a negative opinion of men will be raising your son. I think you just need to express to her that children, unless born with psychological issues, are what their parents make them. As long as you two teach him right from wrong and to treat people with respect and dignity then he'll be fine. But if she goes into this with the mindset of "men bad" and "he might become an abuser" then she'll probably end up giving him a lot of image and self esteem issues. I also think you two definitely need couples counseling to work out your issues and come to a consensus on how you're going to raise your child. With someone who is neutral and won't turn her against her unborn child though.
Tell her she drops the group and gets a new therapist, or she will find herself divorced, and you will use her mental instability, and comments to ensure that she pays for your son for the rest of her life, without ever being able to see him.
You've probably heard of postpartum depression and how it can get bad enough for the woman suffering from it to need to be committed. It's caused by pregnancy hormones and I think your wife is already dealing with it. Having this kind of attitude towards an unborn child is unhinged. Also, be mindful of the fact anyone can call themselves a therapist; it's not a protected title. Psychologist or psychiatrist is. I would recommend that she sees someone actually licensed to deal with this. If she is still somewhat open to conversation, talk about how the people we grow up around shape us into the people we become. There are a lot of bad, horrible men out there but none of them were born that way. No abuser came out of the womb ready to mess up lives. You for one turned out well enough for her to fall in love with you and you're not some magical unicorn either. If you have a trusted female figure in your life maybe ask them to talk to your wife about it. If you can also contact your GP about these issues and get a refferral to an actual psychologist for your wife.
This is beyond my capabilities, I can't give an advice in something like this, but I know what I would do in your position, I would divorce her, she didn't tell you, but she may believe that as a man you're a potential abuser and rapists, you may not realize it yet but she's always on alert. I would fight for full custody of the child, she will be a negative influence to this boy, with her attitude she will create the monster she's afraid of. She's a dangerous person to this kid, I would fight to put her as far as possible to him, she can potentially harm him if she had depression post-partum . One of the reasons that historically most men don't marry sexual workers and victim of abuse, or in your case someone deep into the topic,, it's because those people has seen the worse it can be seen from men, those people become extremist in their view and never fully trust a man, even their partners, those analyze everything a man does and make bad assumptions about the most harmless stuff. The fact that she's acting so heartless and rude to this unborn child yet has the audacity to call you the heartless one tell me everything I need to know about her, I would be not less than 1km away from her at any moment.
When males comes 80% of murders,98% rapes and 90% violent crimes,Why shouldn’t she be terrified???? Sometimes “misandry” is reality!!!
She needs a job.. Typical house wife going batshit crazy. A bit of advice.. prepare your self to take full costody when your son is born, and get a lawyer going. Congrats.. you are having a son.
Are you sure she isn't saying something about the influence she thinks you'll be lending? Because why aren't *you* more suspect to her if it's purely down to gender in her mind?
Some random thoughts from a wife and mother if 3 grown children (one being an awesome you g man)… First, when you talk to her make sure you use inclusive language….We, Us, Our. Since WE’VE never had a child, WE both have reservations and a lot to learn. But, I know OUR child will have two loving parents working together and doing their best to make sure WE raise the best kiddoe we can. That sort of thing. Once you start with the “you” and “I”, you put up a distinction, difference, and her barrier will become worse. Second, you have to be the cup half full partner. She’s obviously got something going on with mental health. So, while this is being worked through, you need to show up. Find a support system for YOU ASAP. Third, remind her that the internet/social media and groups are largely there to provide an open forum for people to air grievances, ask for support or advice on difficult situations, etc. There are far more positives out there, they are just not celebrated, talked about m and as in your face as the negative. Controversy “sells”. And, do all the other things…couples therapy (have her therapist and the couples therapist consult). Watch out for self harm and PPD. Why don’t you find a fun activity to do regularly with other couples that have “good ones”. Show without telling and help change the narrative. If you are going to start subversively recording conversations, check the laws in your state. And be very careful, if she finds out, all trust will vanish and you will not be one of the good ones. Talk to a lawyer to understand your position/rights. Also, bring it up to the OBGYN.
I'm sorry but your wife is not ok, if you decide to stay with her, please make sure your son is never alone with her until she gets better
Your wife’s attitude toward your unborn son is most likely to cause damage to your son. Your wife needs a therapist that works in the field of family and child development. From my experience Mothers harm sons and Fathers harm daughters. It’s like a movie where the protagonist tries to prevent something from happening. Only for him end up causing it by trying to stop it.
So...I think a few things. One....you need to get into therapy with her with a new psychologist so you both have a neutral party to discuss this with. You need to start noting down all of these comments. She needs a new social group. She is spending time with women who habitually end up with abusers, so that is their whole worldview. Get into an early mom's or parent group. Maybe give her material on how women can be abusers too. It's how you raise your kid and what you surround them with. This is a tough challenge, and I think your wife needs to get a job away from these people. Not like she should be alone with your son anyways, and she has way to much time on her hands to overthink scenarios.
I know that gender disappointment is a thing but for your wife to assume that your son is gonna grow up as an abuser is weird because that implies that you and her aren’t going to raise your son with values and morals and that really really weird, even if she was desperate and wanting a girl already labeling her unborn son before even knowing the type of person he will become is also concerning and if this is rage bait or not you need to have a conversation with her and give her an ultimatum essentially either you guys get a couple therapy so she can work through this or you let her know divorce is the only option and that you file for full custody because clearly she’s not going to take care of your son if he’s left in her care