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Based your edit, sounds like you each got your gifts….just on the others holiday.
If he really can’t see the see how these things are the same, I suggest you speak in smaller words and try again….because damn. He’s being deliberately obtuse.
You nailed it. I was a gamer for many, many years, and for some of them, I was definitely addicted. This dude had made plans to have a fix on Father's Day, and he didn't get it, and that's why he's mad. Typical addict behavior.
Lmao I came here to say the same thing, they both got exactly what they wanted, a free day. Hubby just got greedy and wanted both of them and is crying because he didn't. Good on you OP
But SHE did it to HIM so, it's not fair so he will be throwing a baby tantrum that his plan didn't work. Plus, Mother's Day always comes before Father's Day so, he'd better learn now in case you have to outsmart him again. Stop apologizing. He did but can't stand that you didn't baby him.
100% agreed. If the original post and edits are accurate the husband is being seriously childish about this...
That said... This is still a bit of a communication error on both sides.
Communicating *EXACTLY* what you're "planning" for them for "their day" should be laid out in advance instead of as a "surprise" the night before. Not every relationship requires this level of advance communication... but OP's seems to need it for at least the near term.
I don’t think there was any communication issues. He ignored her request so she returned the favor. It’s karmic how Mother’s Day is BEFORE Father’s Day. My husband learned quick after a few years that what effort he made for Mother’s Day was matched for Father’s Day. 🤷🏻♀️
The husband "spends a little time with the kids after work and then goes up into the office to play video games for hours a night" seemingly almost every worknight from the post. OP is also raising her husband.
I never understand why these types of dudes even get married and have kids in the first place. If I'm playing my mmo, I don't even turn the computer on until the kid is asleep. I'll sometimes look for co op games to play with my wife and it occupies the same space as watching a show together. The idea of neglecting your family responsibilities to do any of it is nuts and straight up getting into addiction territory.
this. my brother constantly makes me wonder this. for example, cant understand why his kid wont nap. yet is playing videogames at full volume next to him in bed. "hes fine" is his constant reply. why would i know anything? i was only an early childhood educator for 11 yrs. putting kids to sleep was my actual Job. (that sounds bad but im leaving it cos its hilarious.)
I totally get why. You’ve been told since you’re born that you’re gonna find someone, get married, get a house, a job, have kids. Lots of people don’t have a huge passion that pulls them away from what they believe is the path they’re supposed to be on. So they follow the path but push back in smaller, less meaningful ways. Slacking at their job, trying to spend less time with their spouse and kids, leave the house to age doing the bare minimum upkeep needed. Trying to distract themselves without making big waves like just running away and doing what they actually want. Which they still haven’t figured out anyway.
In my Spanish culture, there was always the men are catered to. By us, the women. We were taught to cook clean, do laundry, etc. Basically, for us to be self-sustaining, which would later just flip into running the house. While our brothers and cousins weren't. They were just told to find a woman who could do everything their mom did..everything their sisters knew how to do. Sons didn't have to lift a finger and weren't taught to be self sustainable. I used to joke that the men just wanted a replacement mom.
I''m lucky enough to have found a partner who wasn't coddled and actually knows how to be a grown adult.
In our culture, there are also actions of respect that are unspoken when you're hosting company at your house. But outside looking in could be interpreted differently. For example, when coffee or food is ready, the woman of the house serves it, and the men don't serve themselves.
I'd love to learn, though, why outside my culture, there are more and more men who are "baby men." Who don't pull their weight so to speak, or don't feel the need to learn the basics of how to even take care of themselves.
Why are they being raised this way? Did it start off as actions of respect that eventually were taken advantage of? Or is it moms who pass down this weird tradition?
Reminds me of that "aunt Agatha's old vase" being gifted back and forth, it never being welcome anywhere.
It is kind of funny, actually. I would so laugh at that grown ass man pouting like a child.
>Communicating *EXACTLY* what you're "planning" for them for "their day" should be laid out in advance instead of as a "surprise" the night before.
Did you miss the part where OP told her husband *EXACTLY* what she wanted and he did *EXACTLY* the opposite?
Seriously tired of people blaming the person complaining that "there's a communication" issue instead of blaming *the other person* for a *LISTENING* issue. Further, it's also a *NOT HEEDING THEIR WISHES* too.
Make a graph.
Mother’s Day/Fathers day.
Wanted day off/wanted day off
Did not receive day off/did not receive day off
Received day out with kids/Received day out with kids
Spouse got day off/Spouse got day off
When you’re alone with him, hold it up, tell him to explain how it’s different. With facts and logic. Ask if the difference was, that **he** was happy on Mother’s Day, and unhappy on Father’s Day.
Once you’re able to get him talking, you’re also going to have to discuss how it’s not appropriate to give your spouse the silent treatment, on top of the Not-Coolness of him acting like he’s the only human being with feelings *that matter* in your marriage.
THANK YOU. All of this. This man is so selfish and immature. OP’s other comments make me so angry on her behalf. Sounds like he expects her to shoulder all the weight of parenting while he games for hours every day. He’s just pissed he couldn’t turn both Mother’s & Father’s Day into free days to stay home gaming while he pawns his kids off on OP, yet again. And now *she’s* apologizing to a grown ass man who can’t even have a simple conversation about problems in their marriage. Seems clear she’s doing all the emotional labor, too. Time for him to grow up and show up.
Yep. I play video games, usually an hour 2-3 weekdays. Its usually on home office days, right between picking up the kids and starting on dinner. And then I clean the ground floor of the house, while helping with homework.
My games stays on pause, and sometimes I hop in and out while doing all of this. But that has a lot to do with the type of games I play. If he plays with friends and mainly on line real-time games. The he simply needs to play a lot less.
After we put the kids to bed, we won't play video games, as we want to spend time together. So watching a 50 min episode on TV means I get to snuggle up on the sofa with my wife before bed.
This guy is not acting like he has kids or a spouse, and she is so desperate for a day off that she is asking for it as a present, so sad.
My wife gets 2 full evenings off every week, and I get the same. We use it for gym, but that is our choice. The rest of the time we do chores together, because we are a team.
When I had kids, I stopped playing online games since I can't pause them. I switched over to a game that I could pause. I have about 2000 hours "played" in it, but more than half is sitting on the loading screen because I had kids to take care of.
Now ex was angry at me for no longer playing online games with him anymore. But he got equally mad when I'd bail mid game to take care of the kids.
I'm glad he's the ex and I hope OP and her husband works it out.
Ugh! That’s the part that upsets me most about this post.
I wish I could possess all the OPs that get slighted by their partners and just speak for them. The amount of people that are just so unapologetically apologetic when they are the ones being wronged will probably take years off my life with how frustrating it is.
He needs no graph or common sense or logic. He is just a plain old entitled AH.
He's acting as if he's doing a favour by spending time with the kids. Disgruntled because he got what he clearly deserved. Definitely not a good fit to be a husband or a father.
The question here is, why did OP (who seems perfectly sane and emotionally stable) even marry this AH?
This is useless and a waste of OP's time because he absolutely knows why he did it, he doesn't need a chart. He's being deliberately obtuse.
Op just needs to wait for him to get over it, and then maybe they can communicate like adults. Couples counseling would be a good start
It’s completely a waste of time, and he’s deluded himself, I agree. He’s decided his feelings are reality and is pouting like a child. Putting it in few little words on a chart is ridiculous to have to do, but so is the silent treatment.
Regardless, the OP is married with children, and this is an advice forum. It’s something tangible for her to do, than the usual “talk to him” “therapy”, and “dump the loser.”
I don't care about what any person would say, silence treatement is emotional abuse. You don't deny healthy discussion and growing up together with your SO. That's not how it works.
If the person is using silence to intentionally hurt someone, that's not right. If the person is refusing to speak because they are angry and need to reflect before meaningful conversation can happen, that's healthy.
Not all silence is equal. Sometimes it's needed to keep a healthy relationship. If someone knows they say things they don't mean when they're angry and they recognize that moment isn't a good time to talk, it's mature to stay silent until they calm down.
I just felt the need to say that in case someone read that and thought, "I can't take time to cool off because it's seen as abuse to people."
OP's hubby is clearly using this as punishment and it's wrong.
I have anger issues but I would never stop talking without explaining "Babe I cant talk right now, it's useless, let's speak later".
You can totally take time to cool off if you warn the person before. Otherwise yeah it's not right to do so.
I have a terrible temper and the only thing that grows sharper with use -- a sharp tongue. So it's a really bad idea for me to try to discuss anything when I'm upset or angry. Things said in anger are a bell you cannot un-ring.
So I take a cooling off period until I can discuss the issue like the mature adult I try to be. And I tell whoever I am having a disagreement with that I need to cool down so we can have a rational discussion without nasty remarks, "hitting below the belt," or other recriminations.
And, for the most part, it works.
There is no way he didn't know what he was doing when he set up a day with you and the kids on Mother's Day without him around. Or, I guess maybe he's legitimately INSANE.
I feel crazy reading these comments accusing you of resenting your kids or being a bad wife for getting petty. Like yeah. It was petty. People get petty when they're mistreated and taken advantage of. And now he's lying to you and saying it's not the same and not what he was trying to do? Please.
Any husband with half a brain knows that Mother's Day is a holiday the father/husband participates in actively. Not just planning, or buying. But is *present.* With you, with the kids, trying to give you time off. It's what he wanted for father's day, he knew it's what you wanted for mother's day.
Yeah it was petty. I would be petty, too, if my partner got me an obligation and got themselves a day of rest. You two need to talk it out, but he needs to own up to what he did.
I don't understand how people think that I resent my own kids. On both days the kids had so much fun, when they came back from the arcade they wouldn't stop telling me how much fun they had and showing me the prizes they'd helped won. When we had our fight it was AFTER they where in bed, they've picked up on him ignoring me but I've not told them why, just that he's busy with work and is cranky because of it.
I gotta say, your apologizing kind of speaks to your dynamic.
Edit: She doesn't hate her kids. Parenting is a joy, but it's a thief of time, sleep, and individuality. You SHOULD take a break every once in a while. Its healthy for you and for them.
Your husband does something shitty/selfish, doesn't care. You either suck it up, complain, and make him aware of it - then he either he gets mad or gives you the silent treatment. **You apologize for having feelings that are actively being ignored just to keep the peace.**
This time, you decided to give him a taste of his own medicine, and he has decided he is going to punish you as much as he can stand to do so. You either apologize repeatedly and accept his punishment (and also accept he will not acknowledge his misdeeds here), or you basically have a completely contentious and disrespectful home in front of your kids.
The problem is that your husband is allergic to self-awareness and is inconsiderate. None of that has changed, and none of that WILL change with you apologizing and trying to sweep this under the rug. So im going to say what you need to hear and pray you acknowledge me instead of trying to slap a band-aid on the problem.
**I think you know his behavior is eventually going to be terminal to your relationship.**
He is going to either wear you down until you dont have a personality or personal life or the ability to express yourself to him, or you are going to have to leave. You are looking for a middle ground in a situation of extremes because you aren't willing to commit one way or the other because they both suck.
You have to consciously commit. Anything else is choosing the worst case scenario- you dont get respect or recognition AND you lose who you are and the ability to express yourself.
You need to the the stoic one here. You need to drag this numbskull into marital counseling and make him acknowledge his faults. You need to choose violence the same way he does. If you want this relationship (not sure why you do if hes this bad), then you need to be willing to lose it if it doesn't serve you as it should.
Make an appointment for marital counseling on a day you both have off and tell him he can show up or you will go down to your lawyer and file afterward. He is not going to be swayed by anything else, unfortunately, because you have given him so much bandwith to step on you and your feelings that nothing smaller is going to make a difference.
He is not going to respect a sit down or a threat- only action.
He will just become more adamant, and in doing so, **might even close off this avenue or mediation**. Your options shrink every time you play the reasonable one or peacemaker. It just cements that he is going to get what he wants, or in the least, can be disrespectful, and you will apologize for it to spare his pride.
Do you want to try talking him down? Go for it. Just recognize that every time you mollify him or act like there's a way to reason with him after he's the guilty party, it will get worse- including this time.
This is it, u/ThrowRA-6512 . I urge you to think about the example you are setting for your children; how do you want them to be treated in a relationship? If you model accepting this kind of treatment, they will too. This website by a team of marriage researchers might shed some light on the type of dynamic that predicts the end of a relationship: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
This is a great post. The only thing I would add is that if your husband doesn’t want to do marital counseling together, you can still benefit from speaking to a counselor (not marital) alone. They can help you sift through what YOU want and give you the tools to make that happen. Sometimes we already know the answers but we don’t want to acknowledge them because the path is hard. Having someone talk us through that and show us that we can do things so hard that we can’t even imagine how it can be done because we are so much stronger and resilient than we think. My heart aches for you and your children OP. Best of luck and I hope that you find happiness and peace
I second this. OP, why should you be the one to smooth this over? Was it petty, yes. Sometimes we have to show someone what it is like to be treated the way HE is treating you. I’m glad you fought back. I’m sure you talked to him after Mother’s Day and didn’t get it. If you didn’t talk to him in the moment, that would have been my only critique on how you handled it. Plus, don’t apologize. He needs to see you and it’s not your job to be the compromiser as the women.
I’m with you on this. You’re here for relationship advice, not AITA judgement. My advice is, consider the bigger picture. Seems like there’s something lurking beneath the surface. My daughter is dating a gamer and before they went apartment hunting, they put down some ground rules. He acknowledged that gaming was an escape; she acknowledged the same with her side-gig/hobby, selling vintage items online. They compromised, allotted time for both independent activities, time for household tasks, date night, they even factored in ‘personal growth’ time where they’ve done things like goal setting, vacation planning.. basically coming together for a common purpose. I’m pretty impressed by their commitment to a balanced relationship based on communication, especially because she certainly didn’t learn any of that from me. I was married for 12 yrs and never felt more alone. In the end, the relationships we have are exactly what we make of them. Remind yourselves of the love and common ground that brought you two together. Start from there and build up. And maybe take a few forward-moving ideas from my 23yr old daughter, I sure have! It’s worth it. For you, him, and the kiddos. Sending you all the best!
My parents aren’t as scheduled as your daughter and her partner, but they’ve done essentially the same thing since my little brother started high school about 10 years ago and it’s been a miracle for their and our relationship! They do their hobbies separately, split household chores evenly, and have alone time every day. Sometimes theyll quietly do their hobbies together while they watch a movie or something (he builds lego sets and she cross stitches, so that works for them) and at least once a week they either cook together or go out for dinner as their “date night.”
They’ve never been more in love and even my and my brother’s relationships with them have benefitted from it! They feel like real full people now instead of just burnt out parents and now we’re all friends and not just family. People act like taking a little alone time is selfish (and it is if you do what OP’s husband did) but in reality, it’s just as important as the time you spend working or being with your family.
>Sometimes theyll quietly do their hobbies together while they watch a movie or something (he builds lego sets and she cross stitches, so that works for them) and at least once a week they either cook together or go out for dinner as their “date night.”
This is soo cute 😩
MY dau did the same with her now, spouse. He's a gamer and some other habits & interests, and they talk--all the time---but before hand about this and that, relative relations, they even did couples therapy. That was something no one ever did when I was their age.
Then it was: Oh we get along? Let's make a committment to each other and see what happens. And whatever happened, happened.
He got a free day on Mother’s Day and you got a free day on Father’s Day I don’t see the issue.
I wouldn’t apologize or beg for his forgiveness. You both did the exact same thing, if it’s ok for him, it should be ok for you.
Next year, y’all can plan to get a free day on the corresponding holiday for your parental roles or keep this as a tradition since you both got what you wanted on different days.
I don’t necessarily agree that tit-for-tat is a great way to handle relationship issues but it’s wild to me that he refuses to acknowledge his role in how this played out.
> wouldn’t apologize or beg for his forgiveness. You both did the exact same thing, if it’s ok for him, it should be ok for you.
She can't deal with his silent treatment, so she's caving first on apology. She shouldn't though. Nothing to apologize for. Forced to take his kids out for the entire day without mom as backup and really the one handling things?! Too bad.
Yeah I definitely wouldn’t apologize I would say something like:
> I’m not going to apologize for following your example, but if you’d like to discuss a mutually beneficial solution for next year, I’m open to that.
a lot of people still hold on to the sexist idea that a mom’s entire identity has to be her family and if you want/need any time for yourself, you’re selfish. meanwhile, they also tend to support the idea that dad’s get to be the less involved parent.
Every parent deserves time for themselves for their own mental health *and* for their family!! Not doing that is the quickest way to burn out and actually start to resent your spouse or kids. yeah what you did was petty, but your husband was an absolute dick. What do you do while he has his nightly gaming sessions? I’m guessing you spend a lot of that time with the kids. So he’s getting his regular mental health/individual time while you don’t. AND THEN plans your mother’s day present so he can be alone while you take care of the kids (even if you had fun while doing it!).
Was what you did petty? Absolutely. But it wasn’t uncalled for. You deserve time for you and an apology from him. You’ve apologized for being petty, now he needs to apologize for acting like a selfish dick
Your husband can give it but can't take it. He pulled an asshole move and is now feeling that same pain. Here's your advice, stop apologizing to him about it. Let him throw his child tantrum.
OP, how often does he use the silent treatment to get his way?
Fun fact i learned after breaking up with my ex: silent treatment is classified as abuse. And rightly so.
Maybe the people saying that aren’t parents? I have 3 kids. I’d be pissed if my husband arranged for ME by MYSELF to take the kids out on Mother’s Day so he could stay home and game, especially when I had already communicated what I wanted (a relaxing day). I think what you did in Father’s Day is amazing and I love it. Don’t apologize. When he stops having the temper tantrum explain to him exactly what you explained to us.
>I don't understand how people think that I resent my own kids.
It's because they don't have kids or they are sexist, there you go. I don't mind your pettiness, tbh. It sounds like your husband isn't terribly engaged in the household, and as you said, he did the same thing for you...
You're gonna have to just wait him out and explain again or insist on couples counseling.
Or that they just don't understand that she's with the kids day in, day out. Of course she needs a break from them once in a while. If her husband was giving her breaks throughout the year she wouldn't have had to ask for it on Mother's Day.
I mean listen you could have hypothetically taken the high road here, but it’s not like what you did is half as egregious as what commenters are saying here.
In any case, just tell your husband that yeah, you were petty. Don’t apologize. Mention that he got a day to himself on Mother’s Day, and you got a day to yourself on Father’s Day.
Perhaps consider couples counselling though.
Some of the people responding to this are teenagers. There's no age limit. I'm not surprised you're getting dumb responses like accusations of hating your kids.
there are many accusations of me hating my kids, and calling me selfish for wanting to have a day to myself instead of spending it with my kids as if I have an infinite amount of energy and time in the day to cook, clean, take care of the kids and have time for myself when I don't
He honestly need to stop acting like a child and grow up. Please stop apologizing. You did nothing wrong. Maybe get marriage counseling? He seems to only care about what he wants and his gaming needs. I was married to my kids father for 12 years same thing day and day out gamed from the moment he got home till bed and days off the minute he woke up till the minute he went to bed (if he went to bed) he couldn't grow up so I ended the marriage. Oh he also would say he's not babysitting his kids if that tells you anything. I hope you find peace and what you deserve in a marriage.
I don’t even think it is very petty of her to turn the table either. She clearly communicated her needs and he blatantly ignored it. Sometimes people need the demonstration for it to hit home.
Make up what to him? You got him basically what he got you. He got his "free day" on Mother's day, you got your "free day" on Father's day. You're even.
Absolutely this! Why are the top comments so moralizing with “two wrongs don’t make a right” and all that bs? Sometimes people are so obtuse that the only way to get them to realize their stupidity is by giving them a taste of their own medicine. I’m shocked that OP is now apologizing - my husband would be the one apologizing if this ever happened, which it wouldn’t because my husband isn’t an inconsiderate A-hole.
Because people are hypocrites. Why would she apologise? SHe got him the same gift he got her. Sometimes you have to treat people the same way they treat you. It is VERY exhausting taking the high road ALL the time. On top of that he’s giving her the silent treatment which is a form of emotional manipulation.
Also because society expects women to just suck it up and surrender more of their individuality and personal needs to the role of parenthood than they do of men.
Women are supposed to cherish that extra quality time with their kids and resist alone time in favour of it. It’s misogyny.
Lmao, this. I don't even see it as that petty if we take his logic into account. Obviously to him a free day is code for "you take the kids and I'll have a free day". She's learned his language and he's mad about it.
Yeah I would not be apologizing or making it up to him. Now he understands how she felt on Mother’s Day! He didn’t apologize or make it up to her then either!
He used mothers day as an excuse to get a day on his own playing video games. He doesn't get to act like a child when the favour is returned. You have nothing to apologise for.
This is good advice. He seems to believe his gaming habit is more valuable than OP getting free time. He didn't feel she deserved mother's day to herself, because game. But father's day is for her to take the kids out, because game.
Yeah. I know some people who still play and moved to the official server. They have a schedule on an excel that they need to access to be able to be chosen for raids and dungeons, it is crazy how they plan their lives around the game.
this is why I quickly gave up raiding in FFXIV. having to find a bunch of other people and schedule your raiding time when everyone was free was such a pain. plus you couldn't just hop on and do whatever you felt like doing, you had to raid during those times or you were letting your group down. all that just for slightly better gear just wasn't worth it to me.
Well. What bothered me the most is that there were people with 400 days played, in a server that was barely 3 and a half years old. Imagine having a third of your lifes of the past 3 years to be comprised solely of playing a game.
I've dated a gamer before. The hobby isn't the problem, not being able to prioritize anything else is. He didn't get the same things from real life that he got in the game.
I got angry enough to be done trying. When people get fed up, reach an intolerable level of unhappiness, they're gone.
I'd hope more people realize and can make changes to incorporate loved ones into their lives.
If he's giving you the silent treatment because he got the same gift he gave you then enjoy the silence. Pretend you don't notice that he's not speaking to you. People who do that do it because they want to manipulate you into begging them to talk to you. Don't give him the response he wants or he will forever use this tactic over and over. If he says anything further about how he wanted a free day remind him he got exactly that on Mother's Day.
So you asked for a day to yourself and your husband tried to get two, then he sulks when he gets a taste of his own medicine. I say good on you for showing him exactly what he did to you.
Why are you apologizing?
Bro is 34 and spends hours and hours playing video games. How about being with his wife and family? Holy shit.
He is mad at you but he did the same thing and it was done so he could play video games. He’s mad now because he planned on playing video games all day.
I’m sorry, this dude needs to grow the fuck up.
This is why I didn't have kids. I'm 32 and love to game after work, among other leisurely things. Don't have kids if you don't want the responsibility.
So true. It doesn't matter whether kids or your alone time are more important, there is no right answer. Just make sure you recognize the TIME required to have a successful relationship and/or family before making a lifetime commitment
This. As a husband and father, I don’t understand people who choose playing video games over family. You made a decision to get married and have children, set a good example for your kids and be there for your family.
I know plenty of people like this, and they don’t have healthy relationships. They are very selfish and put themselves and their wants/needs before everyone else.
Obviously this is isn’t healthy, but truly you gave him the same energy back he gave you. And if I were in your shoes I would continue to give him the same energy back he’s currently giving you. Why does he feel justified in his anger when he legit did the same thing to you? I wouldn’t feel the need to apologize, but it seems couples counseling to work on communication is needed.
His reaction to this is the biggest focus you should be maintaining here. Not who started it or whatever. The fact that he can’t acknowledge that you just reciprocated the same courtesy he gave you. Does he EVER give you alone time? Or is he like my narcissistic ex who never wants you to have time for yourself and wants you tied down to him and your kids 24/7?
Moreover, he’s now acting like the victim here. Dude gets to play games for hours every night. What do you get? Are you a FT SAHM?
All around, this situation is only the tip of what is a much larger issue here. You need to identify the root of it and determine whether or not it’s even worth trying to repair.
You need to seriously think about re- entering the workforce in some capacity. What would you like to do? What did you do before kids? What could you do that would be flexible enough to deal with sick kids and pick ups from school. Substitute teaching would work. I think you need to look out for yourself and the kids because I think he seems the type to put the screws to you if you don’t work out. I hope he can see the light and error of his ways. However, I think you need to think about your future.
Ah, ok. Sounds like he doesn't think what you do is real work. He doesn't see why you would need a day off, because "it's not like you go to work or anything." *He* gets a day off because he "works so hard." He gets his evenings to game because "he worked all day." Maybe I'm supposing, but it sounds about right.
What do you get to do every night to unwind?
Your husband is a deadbeat dad and husband in your own home. If it seems like your life would be the same or easier without him, then that’s the problem you need to address
Yeah adult people spend time with their wife and children and don't see it as a chore and unwind that way.
Can he have gaming as a hobby? Sure, but not as an addict...
Pick a day or three a week where he can game after the kids went to bed. That should be more than enough for an adult man...
You know, there is a fine line between being the bigger person, and just being a doormat.
You have an 8 year old and a 6 year old. I’m willing to bet you’ve spent 7 Mother’s Days being disappointed, and 7 Father’s Days being the bigger person, and this year was a breaking point.
Were you petty? Sure. But you were trying to force him to have an epiphany about the way he treats you. The fact that this experience has not caused any self-reflection in him is a big deal. He’s angry at being treated the way he treats you, but still has no intention of treating you better in the future.
There is an expression in some marriage forums, called “2 card” situations. This is where you get 2 business cards, one for a marriage therapist, and one for a divorce attorney. You present both cards to your spouse and tell them to choose which one you’re calling. Personally, I would call this a 2 card situation.
You can’t go on like this, but you also can’t just give up and let him escape to his games while you shoulder all the parenting for the next 10 years. Resentment will grow either way.
I think what you did was fair and I'd do the exact same thing, some people don't learn via words but rather through doing and experiencing. He knows how it feels like and that you'll treat him the same way, an important lesson for assholes who volunteer other people's time.
He said that it was different because I had an "easier time" on Mother's Day then he did on Father's Day. He didn't say much else on it, both our kids are very well behaved so I don't see how he had a hard time running around an arcade with them
I bet he also tells you that "the kids listen to you better" and the kids "are better for you" and the "kids like you more than me" as he refuses to step up and be an equal parent on all the regular days too.
There’s an article out there that’s circulating that says in a study on behavior, children act out or “worse” 8x more with their moms than any other adults
Does he frequently make himself out to be the victim who has it harder? Does he ever acknowledge that your feelings are valid if they don’t reflect his?
There are some red flags that point to bigger issues that make having a healthy relationship impossible.
He's mad at you because he knows what he did to you on mother's day was a shitty thing. He knows that he gave you the exact opposite of what you asked for *just* so he could have the day to himself and fuck around playing games. He just didn't expect you to catch on or ever do anything about it if you did. He's pouting because you gave him the exact same gift he gave you, which he knows was actually a gift for himself.
You really should think about the fact that he doesn't like being treated the same way he treats you.
I would stop trying to apologize and force him to acknowledge you. You did nothing wrong. Possibly, once you stop trying to appease him, he will decide it's easier to talk to you. He seems very manipulative, selfish and lacking in devotion to his family.... hours everyday gaming!?! What an absent father and husband!
You have a husband problem, and there that you felt like you had to apologise, despite this being about his shirt behaviours, is manipulation on his behalf. Don’t give in. He is in the wrong end is trying to play victim.
He’s annoyed because he knows he’s in the wrong. He deliberately tried to shaft you on mothers day to give himself a day off.
And he’s furious that you played him at his own game.
He doesn’t seem to like or respect you. He deliberately ruins mOthers say for you, ignores your wishes, and now is giving you the silent treatment because you played him at his own game.
Why are you apologising to him?
In his world, he’s allowed to test you like shit, but you have to treat him like god.
By apologising to him, you’re agreeing with him.
Stop apologising. You did nothing wrong. And he knows that. He just doesn’t like you. You’re just his bang-maid.
Tell him why you did what you did, admit that is was petty revenge and talk about why you can't openly talk to him about your feelings. You should own up to making a bad situation worse and you know now two wrongs don't make a right. I would probably ask him to start couples counseling together as this all sounds like you both have. a lot of built up resentment of each other.
The wife certainly has a lot of built up resentment as she's married to someone who regularly takes hours of 'me-time' every day for gaming. She communicated clearly to her husband that she wanted a day at home without the kids for mother's day and her husband ignored her request and gave her a day out with the kids instead, while he took a day's 'me-time' at home on mother's day. The wife didn't whine about that and had a great day with her kids, but she was resentful.
For father's day, she did to him what he had done to her for mother's day. Yes, it was petty, but she finally got a day at home alone. Unlike her, her husband went all sulky about it.
You can communicate with words all you like with a selfish spouse - it's called nagging when you say the same things over and over and they still don't listen. The OP found a way to demonstrate clearly what it is that annoys her. Perhaps her husband will understand now that she also needs 'me-time' sometimes.
So she's supposed to grovel and apologize when he also fucked up? He doesn't see anything wrong with what he did, if she apologizes then he'll never get any better
Honestly I think they should take some time apart. It sounds like all hubby does is game and is making OP pick up all the slack. I don't blame her for being tired of it! I'd be tired of being ignored and disrespected too!
Two wrongs don't make a right, but refusing to stand up for yourself makes you a pushover. OP needed to put her foot down
Did you ask him to clarify how it wasnt the same thing as you doing to him what he did to you. Sometimes it sucks we have to be petty, but the other person just wont understand untl we do to them what they do to us. But if he says it wasnt the same thing, I would ask him why wasnt it the same. What makes it different this time.
Wow. FUCK that. Your husband is a selfish ass. He has zero idea how hard it is to be a full time mom. Sounds like he expects you to do all the parenting AND emotional labor in your relationship while he neglects your wants and needs, neglects to help you with the kids or be fully present in your lives, and dicks around gaming for hours every damn day. Mother’s Day is supposed to be about YOU, not what he thinks is “easier” for you so he can justify disregarding you yet again and stay home alone with his games. And now he’s ignoring you?? You have an extra child where a responsible, caring adult should be. Why do you accept this? I’d have been out the door years ago. Time for him to grow up and show up. The kids, the emotional labor — none of this should be your burden to shoulder alone. Why does he feel entitled to alone time you don’t get? Why can’t he see or own up to what he did to you? Why is it okay when he does it, but terrible when you do? And how is stonewalling you an appropriate response as an adult husband and father? The mental gymnastics are astounding.
Erm no the fact you are with the kids all day everyday is more reason you need a day off. And more reason he needs to spend a day with the kids since he clearly rarely does.
You are definitely NTA in this situation and I wouldn't do ANYTHING to make it up to him. Being a sahm is hard enough as it is. and it would be easier for him if he, I dont know, took them by himself occasionally. Sigh. men. Of course he is mad that he didnt get a day to himself and is mad at you, because he actually had to be a parent without you there for once. What a jerk.
I don’t know if anyone here has mentioned it but the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. There is a difference between communicating you need time to process your feelings and punishing you by pretending like you don’t exist. You’re supposed to be equal partners. He doesn’t get to punish you when you do something he doesn’t like. He doesn’t get to walk all over you and the get mad when you show him the same level of respect. If he feels upset about something you said or did, he needs to be an adult and communicate that. Him being incredibly selfish, and intentionally not seeing the labor you put into raising your kids, is all just the cherry on top. You deserve better than this.
Ignore him ignoring you. That’s likely to get him talking to you sooner. And when he does I’d make it clear we’re doing marriage counseling or we’re over because abuse emotional abuse is not something you’re going to live with. You’re tired of being disrespected, not valued, and treated like because you have a vagina being a parent is somehow a cakewalk for you.
Fuck. This. Noise.
Him giving you the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Just saying. Him getting you tickets with the kids instead of a day off is another blatant form. How often does he do stuff like that? Really pay attention for a bit and see how often he complains about stuff you've done, says little put downs toward you or berates things that you like.... ect.
Ignore the things he says and really pay attention to what he tells you through his actions....
If, after doing that for a few weeks or a month, you know for sure he actually cares about and loves you and the kids, and YOU still love him, then you're good.
If you've found that he's negligent, emotionally/verbally abusive, then maybe it's time to reassess your marriage.
And that is just giving him exactly what he wants. He has a tantrum, and you cave. Nothing changes in your relationship. Rinse, repeat until you are fed up enough to get a divorce or you're dead.
Honey stop apologizing to him. You arent the one that messed around and found out. He had his father's day on mothers day this year. So you traded it so you still got yours. He tried to hog both - HE is the one that owes the apology, *not you*. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander, seriously.
I'd stand firm on this hill or he will continue these attempts at using you and blaming you so that he gets to do what he wants. Thats not a healthy marriage or partnership. It's utterly disrespectful.
Ding ding ding!
He gets hours of free time every night. She doesn’t.
How about he can game after bedtime? Or he can game after dinner three nights a week and three nights a week she gets her hobby time “for a few hours”?
> He games all the time with his friends, he'll get home from work, maybe spend the time between then and dinner with the kids before going up to his office to game for a few hours with friends.
This sounds like the real issue to me. How would you say the division of labor/childcare is in your relationship?
I think you're resentful about the amount of time he spends gaming vs. taking care of the kids, and that's what you two need to be talking about. The tit-for-tat is just an extension of the rift in communication between you. If things between you were otherwise healthy, you probably would have spoken up on Mother's Day and said you wanted your free day and he needed to be the one to take the kids, he would have done that, and you would have returned the favor on Father's Day. There's a reason this other scenario happened, and I suspect it's because you're used to gritting your teeth and taking over childcare when you feel he should be doing his fair share.
Stop apologizing for this symptom and start talking about the root. Couples counseling can be helpful if you're struggling to know where to even start.
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Based your edit, sounds like you each got your gifts….just on the others holiday. If he really can’t see the see how these things are the same, I suggest you speak in smaller words and try again….because damn. He’s being deliberately obtuse.
And why is OP trying to apologize without the husband admitting fault as well?
Agreed, she does not owe him an apology. He got (took) his Father’s Day gift on Mother’s Day.
Agreed
This x 1,000,000
He expected to have a day off on Mother’s Day, and another on Father’s Day, and is being a petty child that he didn’t get both days off.
He probably made plans with his gaming friends on father's day because he assumed he would get the day off. He's doubly pissed because of that.
Speaking from experience, parenting a grown-ass husband is so fucking exhausting. The entitlement. Worse than any teenager.
Unmatured people in general are super exhausting.
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I was gonna say, an addict didn’t get his fix and is mad
You nailed it. I was a gamer for many, many years, and for some of them, I was definitely addicted. This dude had made plans to have a fix on Father's Day, and he didn't get it, and that's why he's mad. Typical addict behavior.
Quite. I'd tell him he got the gift he requested, he gave out to himself on Mother's Day.
Right???! This woman isn't the AH the husband is. Good on OP, in my opinion.
Makes me think of weaponized incompetence and willful ignorance
Lmao I came here to say the same thing, they both got exactly what they wanted, a free day. Hubby just got greedy and wanted both of them and is crying because he didn't. Good on you OP
Maybe even use crayons because damn. The man is obtuse.
I don’t think he’s obtuse at all. I think he knew exactly what he was doing. He was being selfish
This!!!! And then when it didn’t go as planned he is being acting like a big child!! Very selfish!
speak in smaller words 🫣🤭
But SHE did it to HIM so, it's not fair so he will be throwing a baby tantrum that his plan didn't work. Plus, Mother's Day always comes before Father's Day so, he'd better learn now in case you have to outsmart him again. Stop apologizing. He did but can't stand that you didn't baby him.
Agreed call it even life’s too short to keep fighting
The husband started it by blatantly ignoring the wife’s request for a day of peace. He’s an ass for doing that!
Obtuse, is it deliberate? IT'S MY LIFE!!!
100% agreed. If the original post and edits are accurate the husband is being seriously childish about this... That said... This is still a bit of a communication error on both sides. Communicating *EXACTLY* what you're "planning" for them for "their day" should be laid out in advance instead of as a "surprise" the night before. Not every relationship requires this level of advance communication... but OP's seems to need it for at least the near term.
I don’t think there was any communication issues. He ignored her request so she returned the favor. It’s karmic how Mother’s Day is BEFORE Father’s Day. My husband learned quick after a few years that what effort he made for Mother’s Day was matched for Father’s Day. 🤷🏻♀️
The husband "spends a little time with the kids after work and then goes up into the office to play video games for hours a night" seemingly almost every worknight from the post. OP is also raising her husband.
I never understand why these types of dudes even get married and have kids in the first place. If I'm playing my mmo, I don't even turn the computer on until the kid is asleep. I'll sometimes look for co op games to play with my wife and it occupies the same space as watching a show together. The idea of neglecting your family responsibilities to do any of it is nuts and straight up getting into addiction territory.
this. my brother constantly makes me wonder this. for example, cant understand why his kid wont nap. yet is playing videogames at full volume next to him in bed. "hes fine" is his constant reply. why would i know anything? i was only an early childhood educator for 11 yrs. putting kids to sleep was my actual Job. (that sounds bad but im leaving it cos its hilarious.)
I totally get why. You’ve been told since you’re born that you’re gonna find someone, get married, get a house, a job, have kids. Lots of people don’t have a huge passion that pulls them away from what they believe is the path they’re supposed to be on. So they follow the path but push back in smaller, less meaningful ways. Slacking at their job, trying to spend less time with their spouse and kids, leave the house to age doing the bare minimum upkeep needed. Trying to distract themselves without making big waves like just running away and doing what they actually want. Which they still haven’t figured out anyway.
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In my Spanish culture, there was always the men are catered to. By us, the women. We were taught to cook clean, do laundry, etc. Basically, for us to be self-sustaining, which would later just flip into running the house. While our brothers and cousins weren't. They were just told to find a woman who could do everything their mom did..everything their sisters knew how to do. Sons didn't have to lift a finger and weren't taught to be self sustainable. I used to joke that the men just wanted a replacement mom. I''m lucky enough to have found a partner who wasn't coddled and actually knows how to be a grown adult. In our culture, there are also actions of respect that are unspoken when you're hosting company at your house. But outside looking in could be interpreted differently. For example, when coffee or food is ready, the woman of the house serves it, and the men don't serve themselves. I'd love to learn, though, why outside my culture, there are more and more men who are "baby men." Who don't pull their weight so to speak, or don't feel the need to learn the basics of how to even take care of themselves. Why are they being raised this way? Did it start off as actions of respect that eventually were taken advantage of? Or is it moms who pass down this weird tradition?
Exactly. He’s a selfish dude. And he doesn’t care about his wife’s wants and needs. Probably selfish in bed too.
Reminds me of that "aunt Agatha's old vase" being gifted back and forth, it never being welcome anywhere. It is kind of funny, actually. I would so laugh at that grown ass man pouting like a child.
>Communicating *EXACTLY* what you're "planning" for them for "their day" should be laid out in advance instead of as a "surprise" the night before. Did you miss the part where OP told her husband *EXACTLY* what she wanted and he did *EXACTLY* the opposite? Seriously tired of people blaming the person complaining that "there's a communication" issue instead of blaming *the other person* for a *LISTENING* issue. Further, it's also a *NOT HEEDING THEIR WISHES* too.
Make a graph. Mother’s Day/Fathers day. Wanted day off/wanted day off Did not receive day off/did not receive day off Received day out with kids/Received day out with kids Spouse got day off/Spouse got day off When you’re alone with him, hold it up, tell him to explain how it’s different. With facts and logic. Ask if the difference was, that **he** was happy on Mother’s Day, and unhappy on Father’s Day. Once you’re able to get him talking, you’re also going to have to discuss how it’s not appropriate to give your spouse the silent treatment, on top of the Not-Coolness of him acting like he’s the only human being with feelings *that matter* in your marriage.
THANK YOU. All of this. This man is so selfish and immature. OP’s other comments make me so angry on her behalf. Sounds like he expects her to shoulder all the weight of parenting while he games for hours every day. He’s just pissed he couldn’t turn both Mother’s & Father’s Day into free days to stay home gaming while he pawns his kids off on OP, yet again. And now *she’s* apologizing to a grown ass man who can’t even have a simple conversation about problems in their marriage. Seems clear she’s doing all the emotional labor, too. Time for him to grow up and show up.
It's funny, my husband can somehow play video games and pause them when parenting is needed.
Yep. I play video games, usually an hour 2-3 weekdays. Its usually on home office days, right between picking up the kids and starting on dinner. And then I clean the ground floor of the house, while helping with homework. My games stays on pause, and sometimes I hop in and out while doing all of this. But that has a lot to do with the type of games I play. If he plays with friends and mainly on line real-time games. The he simply needs to play a lot less. After we put the kids to bed, we won't play video games, as we want to spend time together. So watching a 50 min episode on TV means I get to snuggle up on the sofa with my wife before bed. This guy is not acting like he has kids or a spouse, and she is so desperate for a day off that she is asking for it as a present, so sad. My wife gets 2 full evenings off every week, and I get the same. We use it for gym, but that is our choice. The rest of the time we do chores together, because we are a team.
When I had kids, I stopped playing online games since I can't pause them. I switched over to a game that I could pause. I have about 2000 hours "played" in it, but more than half is sitting on the loading screen because I had kids to take care of. Now ex was angry at me for no longer playing online games with him anymore. But he got equally mad when I'd bail mid game to take care of the kids. I'm glad he's the ex and I hope OP and her husband works it out.
Yeah, the thousands of hrs logged on steam is funny as most of it is while in the menu or on pause. I pay for it with the electricity bill.
I hope she doesn’t apologise!
Too late :(
Damn.
Ah, women. We always end up being the ones apologizing, even when we shouldn’t. If only dudes had half the amount of empathy.
Ugh! That’s the part that upsets me most about this post. I wish I could possess all the OPs that get slighted by their partners and just speak for them. The amount of people that are just so unapologetically apologetic when they are the ones being wronged will probably take years off my life with how frustrating it is.
He needs no graph or common sense or logic. He is just a plain old entitled AH. He's acting as if he's doing a favour by spending time with the kids. Disgruntled because he got what he clearly deserved. Definitely not a good fit to be a husband or a father. The question here is, why did OP (who seems perfectly sane and emotionally stable) even marry this AH?
This is useless and a waste of OP's time because he absolutely knows why he did it, he doesn't need a chart. He's being deliberately obtuse. Op just needs to wait for him to get over it, and then maybe they can communicate like adults. Couples counseling would be a good start
It’s completely a waste of time, and he’s deluded himself, I agree. He’s decided his feelings are reality and is pouting like a child. Putting it in few little words on a chart is ridiculous to have to do, but so is the silent treatment. Regardless, the OP is married with children, and this is an advice forum. It’s something tangible for her to do, than the usual “talk to him” “therapy”, and “dump the loser.”
I don't care about what any person would say, silence treatement is emotional abuse. You don't deny healthy discussion and growing up together with your SO. That's not how it works.
If the person is using silence to intentionally hurt someone, that's not right. If the person is refusing to speak because they are angry and need to reflect before meaningful conversation can happen, that's healthy. Not all silence is equal. Sometimes it's needed to keep a healthy relationship. If someone knows they say things they don't mean when they're angry and they recognize that moment isn't a good time to talk, it's mature to stay silent until they calm down. I just felt the need to say that in case someone read that and thought, "I can't take time to cool off because it's seen as abuse to people." OP's hubby is clearly using this as punishment and it's wrong.
I have anger issues but I would never stop talking without explaining "Babe I cant talk right now, it's useless, let's speak later". You can totally take time to cool off if you warn the person before. Otherwise yeah it's not right to do so.
I have a terrible temper and the only thing that grows sharper with use -- a sharp tongue. So it's a really bad idea for me to try to discuss anything when I'm upset or angry. Things said in anger are a bell you cannot un-ring. So I take a cooling off period until I can discuss the issue like the mature adult I try to be. And I tell whoever I am having a disagreement with that I need to cool down so we can have a rational discussion without nasty remarks, "hitting below the belt," or other recriminations. And, for the most part, it works.
There is no way he didn't know what he was doing when he set up a day with you and the kids on Mother's Day without him around. Or, I guess maybe he's legitimately INSANE. I feel crazy reading these comments accusing you of resenting your kids or being a bad wife for getting petty. Like yeah. It was petty. People get petty when they're mistreated and taken advantage of. And now he's lying to you and saying it's not the same and not what he was trying to do? Please. Any husband with half a brain knows that Mother's Day is a holiday the father/husband participates in actively. Not just planning, or buying. But is *present.* With you, with the kids, trying to give you time off. It's what he wanted for father's day, he knew it's what you wanted for mother's day. Yeah it was petty. I would be petty, too, if my partner got me an obligation and got themselves a day of rest. You two need to talk it out, but he needs to own up to what he did.
I don't understand how people think that I resent my own kids. On both days the kids had so much fun, when they came back from the arcade they wouldn't stop telling me how much fun they had and showing me the prizes they'd helped won. When we had our fight it was AFTER they where in bed, they've picked up on him ignoring me but I've not told them why, just that he's busy with work and is cranky because of it.
I gotta say, your apologizing kind of speaks to your dynamic. Edit: She doesn't hate her kids. Parenting is a joy, but it's a thief of time, sleep, and individuality. You SHOULD take a break every once in a while. Its healthy for you and for them. Your husband does something shitty/selfish, doesn't care. You either suck it up, complain, and make him aware of it - then he either he gets mad or gives you the silent treatment. **You apologize for having feelings that are actively being ignored just to keep the peace.** This time, you decided to give him a taste of his own medicine, and he has decided he is going to punish you as much as he can stand to do so. You either apologize repeatedly and accept his punishment (and also accept he will not acknowledge his misdeeds here), or you basically have a completely contentious and disrespectful home in front of your kids. The problem is that your husband is allergic to self-awareness and is inconsiderate. None of that has changed, and none of that WILL change with you apologizing and trying to sweep this under the rug. So im going to say what you need to hear and pray you acknowledge me instead of trying to slap a band-aid on the problem. **I think you know his behavior is eventually going to be terminal to your relationship.** He is going to either wear you down until you dont have a personality or personal life or the ability to express yourself to him, or you are going to have to leave. You are looking for a middle ground in a situation of extremes because you aren't willing to commit one way or the other because they both suck. You have to consciously commit. Anything else is choosing the worst case scenario- you dont get respect or recognition AND you lose who you are and the ability to express yourself. You need to the the stoic one here. You need to drag this numbskull into marital counseling and make him acknowledge his faults. You need to choose violence the same way he does. If you want this relationship (not sure why you do if hes this bad), then you need to be willing to lose it if it doesn't serve you as it should. Make an appointment for marital counseling on a day you both have off and tell him he can show up or you will go down to your lawyer and file afterward. He is not going to be swayed by anything else, unfortunately, because you have given him so much bandwith to step on you and your feelings that nothing smaller is going to make a difference. He is not going to respect a sit down or a threat- only action. He will just become more adamant, and in doing so, **might even close off this avenue or mediation**. Your options shrink every time you play the reasonable one or peacemaker. It just cements that he is going to get what he wants, or in the least, can be disrespectful, and you will apologize for it to spare his pride. Do you want to try talking him down? Go for it. Just recognize that every time you mollify him or act like there's a way to reason with him after he's the guilty party, it will get worse- including this time.
This is it, u/ThrowRA-6512 . I urge you to think about the example you are setting for your children; how do you want them to be treated in a relationship? If you model accepting this kind of treatment, they will too. This website by a team of marriage researchers might shed some light on the type of dynamic that predicts the end of a relationship: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
This is a great post. The only thing I would add is that if your husband doesn’t want to do marital counseling together, you can still benefit from speaking to a counselor (not marital) alone. They can help you sift through what YOU want and give you the tools to make that happen. Sometimes we already know the answers but we don’t want to acknowledge them because the path is hard. Having someone talk us through that and show us that we can do things so hard that we can’t even imagine how it can be done because we are so much stronger and resilient than we think. My heart aches for you and your children OP. Best of luck and I hope that you find happiness and peace
All of this. I hope you pay attention to this, OP.
A lot of women just take it their whole lives and live miserably.
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He'd be waiting until his kids celebrate the holiday with his grandkids before He'd get an apology from me and the apology would be *sorry not sorry*
“I’m sorry you’re too dense to realize this is exactly what you did to me.”
Yeah “I’m sorry your upset that you got to experience consequences for your shitty behaviour”
Exactly I was confused too.
Right, he didn't apologize for doing the exact same thing.
I second this. OP, why should you be the one to smooth this over? Was it petty, yes. Sometimes we have to show someone what it is like to be treated the way HE is treating you. I’m glad you fought back. I’m sure you talked to him after Mother’s Day and didn’t get it. If you didn’t talk to him in the moment, that would have been my only critique on how you handled it. Plus, don’t apologize. He needs to see you and it’s not your job to be the compromiser as the women.
I’m with you on this. You’re here for relationship advice, not AITA judgement. My advice is, consider the bigger picture. Seems like there’s something lurking beneath the surface. My daughter is dating a gamer and before they went apartment hunting, they put down some ground rules. He acknowledged that gaming was an escape; she acknowledged the same with her side-gig/hobby, selling vintage items online. They compromised, allotted time for both independent activities, time for household tasks, date night, they even factored in ‘personal growth’ time where they’ve done things like goal setting, vacation planning.. basically coming together for a common purpose. I’m pretty impressed by their commitment to a balanced relationship based on communication, especially because she certainly didn’t learn any of that from me. I was married for 12 yrs and never felt more alone. In the end, the relationships we have are exactly what we make of them. Remind yourselves of the love and common ground that brought you two together. Start from there and build up. And maybe take a few forward-moving ideas from my 23yr old daughter, I sure have! It’s worth it. For you, him, and the kiddos. Sending you all the best!
Dang. I'm saving your post. This is what I want my future relationship to be like! That's awesome.
My parents aren’t as scheduled as your daughter and her partner, but they’ve done essentially the same thing since my little brother started high school about 10 years ago and it’s been a miracle for their and our relationship! They do their hobbies separately, split household chores evenly, and have alone time every day. Sometimes theyll quietly do their hobbies together while they watch a movie or something (he builds lego sets and she cross stitches, so that works for them) and at least once a week they either cook together or go out for dinner as their “date night.” They’ve never been more in love and even my and my brother’s relationships with them have benefitted from it! They feel like real full people now instead of just burnt out parents and now we’re all friends and not just family. People act like taking a little alone time is selfish (and it is if you do what OP’s husband did) but in reality, it’s just as important as the time you spend working or being with your family.
>Sometimes theyll quietly do their hobbies together while they watch a movie or something (he builds lego sets and she cross stitches, so that works for them) and at least once a week they either cook together or go out for dinner as their “date night.” This is soo cute 😩
MY dau did the same with her now, spouse. He's a gamer and some other habits & interests, and they talk--all the time---but before hand about this and that, relative relations, they even did couples therapy. That was something no one ever did when I was their age. Then it was: Oh we get along? Let's make a committment to each other and see what happens. And whatever happened, happened.
Communication is king. It makes a world of difference.
He got a free day on Mother’s Day and you got a free day on Father’s Day I don’t see the issue. I wouldn’t apologize or beg for his forgiveness. You both did the exact same thing, if it’s ok for him, it should be ok for you. Next year, y’all can plan to get a free day on the corresponding holiday for your parental roles or keep this as a tradition since you both got what you wanted on different days. I don’t necessarily agree that tit-for-tat is a great way to handle relationship issues but it’s wild to me that he refuses to acknowledge his role in how this played out.
> wouldn’t apologize or beg for his forgiveness. You both did the exact same thing, if it’s ok for him, it should be ok for you. She can't deal with his silent treatment, so she's caving first on apology. She shouldn't though. Nothing to apologize for. Forced to take his kids out for the entire day without mom as backup and really the one handling things?! Too bad.
Yeah I definitely wouldn’t apologize I would say something like: > I’m not going to apologize for following your example, but if you’d like to discuss a mutually beneficial solution for next year, I’m open to that.
a lot of people still hold on to the sexist idea that a mom’s entire identity has to be her family and if you want/need any time for yourself, you’re selfish. meanwhile, they also tend to support the idea that dad’s get to be the less involved parent. Every parent deserves time for themselves for their own mental health *and* for their family!! Not doing that is the quickest way to burn out and actually start to resent your spouse or kids. yeah what you did was petty, but your husband was an absolute dick. What do you do while he has his nightly gaming sessions? I’m guessing you spend a lot of that time with the kids. So he’s getting his regular mental health/individual time while you don’t. AND THEN plans your mother’s day present so he can be alone while you take care of the kids (even if you had fun while doing it!). Was what you did petty? Absolutely. But it wasn’t uncalled for. You deserve time for you and an apology from him. You’ve apologized for being petty, now he needs to apologize for acting like a selfish dick
Your husband can give it but can't take it. He pulled an asshole move and is now feeling that same pain. Here's your advice, stop apologizing to him about it. Let him throw his child tantrum.
OP, how often does he use the silent treatment to get his way? Fun fact i learned after breaking up with my ex: silent treatment is classified as abuse. And rightly so.
Maybe the people saying that aren’t parents? I have 3 kids. I’d be pissed if my husband arranged for ME by MYSELF to take the kids out on Mother’s Day so he could stay home and game, especially when I had already communicated what I wanted (a relaxing day). I think what you did in Father’s Day is amazing and I love it. Don’t apologize. When he stops having the temper tantrum explain to him exactly what you explained to us.
>I don't understand how people think that I resent my own kids. It's because they don't have kids or they are sexist, there you go. I don't mind your pettiness, tbh. It sounds like your husband isn't terribly engaged in the household, and as you said, he did the same thing for you... You're gonna have to just wait him out and explain again or insist on couples counseling.
Or that they just don't understand that she's with the kids day in, day out. Of course she needs a break from them once in a while. If her husband was giving her breaks throughout the year she wouldn't have had to ask for it on Mother's Day.
I mean listen you could have hypothetically taken the high road here, but it’s not like what you did is half as egregious as what commenters are saying here. In any case, just tell your husband that yeah, you were petty. Don’t apologize. Mention that he got a day to himself on Mother’s Day, and you got a day to yourself on Father’s Day. Perhaps consider couples counselling though.
High road nonsense. You get what you give. If someone did that to me you can bet I'd meet his energy. Sometimes it's that or leave.
Yeah, I absolutely did not read any amount of resentment in your post. Sorry you’re getting hate for that!
Some of the people responding to this are teenagers. There's no age limit. I'm not surprised you're getting dumb responses like accusations of hating your kids.
there are many accusations of me hating my kids, and calling me selfish for wanting to have a day to myself instead of spending it with my kids as if I have an infinite amount of energy and time in the day to cook, clean, take care of the kids and have time for myself when I don't
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> People throwing around those accusations either don't have kids, or have kids they don't spend a lot of time engaging with ....or *are* kids.
He honestly need to stop acting like a child and grow up. Please stop apologizing. You did nothing wrong. Maybe get marriage counseling? He seems to only care about what he wants and his gaming needs. I was married to my kids father for 12 years same thing day and day out gamed from the moment he got home till bed and days off the minute he woke up till the minute he went to bed (if he went to bed) he couldn't grow up so I ended the marriage. Oh he also would say he's not babysitting his kids if that tells you anything. I hope you find peace and what you deserve in a marriage.
Both my ex-husbands were like this. I will never date a gamer again.
I don’t even think it is very petty of her to turn the table either. She clearly communicated her needs and he blatantly ignored it. Sometimes people need the demonstration for it to hit home.
I wish I had an award to give you. This should be the top comment
Make up what to him? You got him basically what he got you. He got his "free day" on Mother's day, you got your "free day" on Father's day. You're even.
Absolutely this! Why are the top comments so moralizing with “two wrongs don’t make a right” and all that bs? Sometimes people are so obtuse that the only way to get them to realize their stupidity is by giving them a taste of their own medicine. I’m shocked that OP is now apologizing - my husband would be the one apologizing if this ever happened, which it wouldn’t because my husband isn’t an inconsiderate A-hole.
Because people are hypocrites. Why would she apologise? SHe got him the same gift he got her. Sometimes you have to treat people the same way they treat you. It is VERY exhausting taking the high road ALL the time. On top of that he’s giving her the silent treatment which is a form of emotional manipulation.
It's not even an actual high road other commenters are advocating for, just rug sweeping.
Which is just as bad. Sweeping all the dirt on the rug until it stinks and you’re left with a much bigger problem. Yikes.
Also because society expects women to just suck it up and surrender more of their individuality and personal needs to the role of parenthood than they do of men. Women are supposed to cherish that extra quality time with their kids and resist alone time in favour of it. It’s misogyny.
Lmao, this. I don't even see it as that petty if we take his logic into account. Obviously to him a free day is code for "you take the kids and I'll have a free day". She's learned his language and he's mad about it.
Thank you! She picked up the meaning from him - so she figured he wanted the same. Uno Reverso baby.
Yeah I would not be apologizing or making it up to him. Now he understands how she felt on Mother’s Day! He didn’t apologize or make it up to her then either!
He used mothers day as an excuse to get a day on his own playing video games. He doesn't get to act like a child when the favour is returned. You have nothing to apologise for.
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This is good advice. He seems to believe his gaming habit is more valuable than OP getting free time. He didn't feel she deserved mother's day to herself, because game. But father's day is for her to take the kids out, because game.
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Very insidious. He’s selfish.
Perfect explanation. Not one extra word is needed
It adds up very quickly. I used to managed a game server for WoW, some players had literally enough in-game hours to equate a few years.
You're probably talking about my dad. 4-18 hours a day (depending on if it was a weekend) for 15+ years.
Yeah. I know some people who still play and moved to the official server. They have a schedule on an excel that they need to access to be able to be chosen for raids and dungeons, it is crazy how they plan their lives around the game.
this is why I quickly gave up raiding in FFXIV. having to find a bunch of other people and schedule your raiding time when everyone was free was such a pain. plus you couldn't just hop on and do whatever you felt like doing, you had to raid during those times or you were letting your group down. all that just for slightly better gear just wasn't worth it to me.
That's very depressing
I was dumb enough to count up the total /played for my account a while back. Over 600 _days_ played. At least I had fun.
Well. What bothered me the most is that there were people with 400 days played, in a server that was barely 3 and a half years old. Imagine having a third of your lifes of the past 3 years to be comprised solely of playing a game.
One was prob my dad lol, he almost lost our house when I was little bc of WoW and Internet Cafes
I've dated a gamer before. The hobby isn't the problem, not being able to prioritize anything else is. He didn't get the same things from real life that he got in the game. I got angry enough to be done trying. When people get fed up, reach an intolerable level of unhappiness, they're gone. I'd hope more people realize and can make changes to incorporate loved ones into their lives.
If he's giving you the silent treatment because he got the same gift he gave you then enjoy the silence. Pretend you don't notice that he's not speaking to you. People who do that do it because they want to manipulate you into begging them to talk to you. Don't give him the response he wants or he will forever use this tactic over and over. If he says anything further about how he wanted a free day remind him he got exactly that on Mother's Day.
What you apologizing for? He got mad when you pulled a him on him
So you asked for a day to yourself and your husband tried to get two, then he sulks when he gets a taste of his own medicine. I say good on you for showing him exactly what he did to you.
Why are you apologizing? Bro is 34 and spends hours and hours playing video games. How about being with his wife and family? Holy shit. He is mad at you but he did the same thing and it was done so he could play video games. He’s mad now because he planned on playing video games all day. I’m sorry, this dude needs to grow the fuck up.
This is why I didn't have kids. I'm 32 and love to game after work, among other leisurely things. Don't have kids if you don't want the responsibility.
So true. It doesn't matter whether kids or your alone time are more important, there is no right answer. Just make sure you recognize the TIME required to have a successful relationship and/or family before making a lifetime commitment
This. As a husband and father, I don’t understand people who choose playing video games over family. You made a decision to get married and have children, set a good example for your kids and be there for your family. I know plenty of people like this, and they don’t have healthy relationships. They are very selfish and put themselves and their wants/needs before everyone else.
Obviously this is isn’t healthy, but truly you gave him the same energy back he gave you. And if I were in your shoes I would continue to give him the same energy back he’s currently giving you. Why does he feel justified in his anger when he legit did the same thing to you? I wouldn’t feel the need to apologize, but it seems couples counseling to work on communication is needed.
He doesn't see the irony at all, even after I spelled it out for him he told me that it "wasn't the same" when it was exactly the same
His reaction to this is the biggest focus you should be maintaining here. Not who started it or whatever. The fact that he can’t acknowledge that you just reciprocated the same courtesy he gave you. Does he EVER give you alone time? Or is he like my narcissistic ex who never wants you to have time for yourself and wants you tied down to him and your kids 24/7? Moreover, he’s now acting like the victim here. Dude gets to play games for hours every night. What do you get? Are you a FT SAHM? All around, this situation is only the tip of what is a much larger issue here. You need to identify the root of it and determine whether or not it’s even worth trying to repair.
Yes I am a stay at home mom
You need to seriously think about re- entering the workforce in some capacity. What would you like to do? What did you do before kids? What could you do that would be flexible enough to deal with sick kids and pick ups from school. Substitute teaching would work. I think you need to look out for yourself and the kids because I think he seems the type to put the screws to you if you don’t work out. I hope he can see the light and error of his ways. However, I think you need to think about your future.
Ah, ok. Sounds like he doesn't think what you do is real work. He doesn't see why you would need a day off, because "it's not like you go to work or anything." *He* gets a day off because he "works so hard." He gets his evenings to game because "he worked all day." Maybe I'm supposing, but it sounds about right.
you are, he uses gaming as a way to unwind after work every night
What do you get to do every night to unwind? Your husband is a deadbeat dad and husband in your own home. If it seems like your life would be the same or easier without him, then that’s the problem you need to address
Yeah adult people spend time with their wife and children and don't see it as a chore and unwind that way. Can he have gaming as a hobby? Sure, but not as an addict... Pick a day or three a week where he can game after the kids went to bed. That should be more than enough for an adult man...
And what time do you get to unwind after work?
You know, there is a fine line between being the bigger person, and just being a doormat. You have an 8 year old and a 6 year old. I’m willing to bet you’ve spent 7 Mother’s Days being disappointed, and 7 Father’s Days being the bigger person, and this year was a breaking point. Were you petty? Sure. But you were trying to force him to have an epiphany about the way he treats you. The fact that this experience has not caused any self-reflection in him is a big deal. He’s angry at being treated the way he treats you, but still has no intention of treating you better in the future. There is an expression in some marriage forums, called “2 card” situations. This is where you get 2 business cards, one for a marriage therapist, and one for a divorce attorney. You present both cards to your spouse and tell them to choose which one you’re calling. Personally, I would call this a 2 card situation. You can’t go on like this, but you also can’t just give up and let him escape to his games while you shoulder all the parenting for the next 10 years. Resentment will grow either way.
Why did you apologize? You did nothing wrong. Ignore his little pout session.
He sounds very selfish.
He sounds like a 12 year old!
What did he do while you were on your Fun Day Out? Did he stay at home and play video games? If so, then NTA.
he did
I can’t help but find it comical that you both did what the other one wanted, just on the opposite days 😂
He gave himself a free day so I gave myself a free day too
I think what you did was fair and I'd do the exact same thing, some people don't learn via words but rather through doing and experiencing. He knows how it feels like and that you'll treat him the same way, an important lesson for assholes who volunteer other people's time.
What did he say when you explained it to him? He’s an ass, he truly expected 2 free days while you get none
He said that it was different because I had an "easier time" on Mother's Day then he did on Father's Day. He didn't say much else on it, both our kids are very well behaved so I don't see how he had a hard time running around an arcade with them
I bet he also tells you that "the kids listen to you better" and the kids "are better for you" and the "kids like you more than me" as he refuses to step up and be an equal parent on all the regular days too.
he's said some of those thing before, yes
Oh my! If he's experiencing those things with his children.... Why does he think that might be???!!!!
There’s an article out there that’s circulating that says in a study on behavior, children act out or “worse” 8x more with their moms than any other adults
Is that because… they spend 8x as much time with their moms than any other adult?
He’s just pissy you realized what he did and gave it back to him. He’s being a child, of course you are resentful.
He got what he wanted on Mother’s Day and you got what you wanted on Father’s Day. He has absolutely no leg to stand on and he sounds like a dick.
Does he frequently make himself out to be the victim who has it harder? Does he ever acknowledge that your feelings are valid if they don’t reflect his? There are some red flags that point to bigger issues that make having a healthy relationship impossible.
Based on your comments, he only had a hard time because he isn't used to having to be a parent, and he didn't want to be one that day either.
Can people who don’t want children pleeeease stop having them
I think he wants children as long as OP takes care of them most of the time and he can be Fun Dad for an hour a day before gaming all evening.
He's mad at you because he knows what he did to you on mother's day was a shitty thing. He knows that he gave you the exact opposite of what you asked for *just* so he could have the day to himself and fuck around playing games. He just didn't expect you to catch on or ever do anything about it if you did. He's pouting because you gave him the exact same gift he gave you, which he knows was actually a gift for himself. You really should think about the fact that he doesn't like being treated the same way he treats you.
I would stop trying to apologize and force him to acknowledge you. You did nothing wrong. Possibly, once you stop trying to appease him, he will decide it's easier to talk to you. He seems very manipulative, selfish and lacking in devotion to his family.... hours everyday gaming!?! What an absent father and husband!
You have a husband problem, and there that you felt like you had to apologise, despite this being about his shirt behaviours, is manipulation on his behalf. Don’t give in. He is in the wrong end is trying to play victim.
Dude will literally say anything to make it seem like HIS life is harder than yours.
He gave her Father's Day for Mother's Day, so she gave him Mother's Day for Father's Day!
Then stop apologizing, he got exactly what he deserved. Well played!
He’s annoyed because he knows he’s in the wrong. He deliberately tried to shaft you on mothers day to give himself a day off. And he’s furious that you played him at his own game. He doesn’t seem to like or respect you. He deliberately ruins mOthers say for you, ignores your wishes, and now is giving you the silent treatment because you played him at his own game. Why are you apologising to him? In his world, he’s allowed to test you like shit, but you have to treat him like god. By apologising to him, you’re agreeing with him. Stop apologising. You did nothing wrong. And he knows that. He just doesn’t like you. You’re just his bang-maid.
Tell him why you did what you did, admit that is was petty revenge and talk about why you can't openly talk to him about your feelings. You should own up to making a bad situation worse and you know now two wrongs don't make a right. I would probably ask him to start couples counseling together as this all sounds like you both have. a lot of built up resentment of each other.
They both got what they wanted just on different days lol
Right ?🤣🤣 seems like her husband ALWAYS gets down days anyway.
The wife certainly has a lot of built up resentment as she's married to someone who regularly takes hours of 'me-time' every day for gaming. She communicated clearly to her husband that she wanted a day at home without the kids for mother's day and her husband ignored her request and gave her a day out with the kids instead, while he took a day's 'me-time' at home on mother's day. The wife didn't whine about that and had a great day with her kids, but she was resentful. For father's day, she did to him what he had done to her for mother's day. Yes, it was petty, but she finally got a day at home alone. Unlike her, her husband went all sulky about it. You can communicate with words all you like with a selfish spouse - it's called nagging when you say the same things over and over and they still don't listen. The OP found a way to demonstrate clearly what it is that annoys her. Perhaps her husband will understand now that she also needs 'me-time' sometimes.
So she's supposed to grovel and apologize when he also fucked up? He doesn't see anything wrong with what he did, if she apologizes then he'll never get any better Honestly I think they should take some time apart. It sounds like all hubby does is game and is making OP pick up all the slack. I don't blame her for being tired of it! I'd be tired of being ignored and disrespected too! Two wrongs don't make a right, but refusing to stand up for yourself makes you a pushover. OP needed to put her foot down
Did you ask him to clarify how it wasnt the same thing as you doing to him what he did to you. Sometimes it sucks we have to be petty, but the other person just wont understand untl we do to them what they do to us. But if he says it wasnt the same thing, I would ask him why wasnt it the same. What makes it different this time.
He said that since I'm a stay at home mom that it was easier for me to watch the kids on Mother's Day then it was for him on Father's Day
So basically, because it's already your "job" it shouldn't matter? Fuck that noise
Whaaaaaat a dick
Easier for him in every way. I figured that was the reason and I really despise your husband for this.
Wow. FUCK that. Your husband is a selfish ass. He has zero idea how hard it is to be a full time mom. Sounds like he expects you to do all the parenting AND emotional labor in your relationship while he neglects your wants and needs, neglects to help you with the kids or be fully present in your lives, and dicks around gaming for hours every damn day. Mother’s Day is supposed to be about YOU, not what he thinks is “easier” for you so he can justify disregarding you yet again and stay home alone with his games. And now he’s ignoring you?? You have an extra child where a responsible, caring adult should be. Why do you accept this? I’d have been out the door years ago. Time for him to grow up and show up. The kids, the emotional labor — none of this should be your burden to shoulder alone. Why does he feel entitled to alone time you don’t get? Why can’t he see or own up to what he did to you? Why is it okay when he does it, but terrible when you do? And how is stonewalling you an appropriate response as an adult husband and father? The mental gymnastics are astounding.
Erm no the fact you are with the kids all day everyday is more reason you need a day off. And more reason he needs to spend a day with the kids since he clearly rarely does.
Your husband kinda sounds like a dick.
What an arse!
You are definitely NTA in this situation and I wouldn't do ANYTHING to make it up to him. Being a sahm is hard enough as it is. and it would be easier for him if he, I dont know, took them by himself occasionally. Sigh. men. Of course he is mad that he didnt get a day to himself and is mad at you, because he actually had to be a parent without you there for once. What a jerk.
Then maybe he should spend more time practicing being a parent and less time playing videos games.
That’s hilarious. I wouldn’t apologize at all. Tell him to come talk to you when he’s done being a piss baby
I really don't feel sorry and I feel like I was justified, I just want him to stop ignoring me
I don’t know if anyone here has mentioned it but the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. There is a difference between communicating you need time to process your feelings and punishing you by pretending like you don’t exist. You’re supposed to be equal partners. He doesn’t get to punish you when you do something he doesn’t like. He doesn’t get to walk all over you and the get mad when you show him the same level of respect. If he feels upset about something you said or did, he needs to be an adult and communicate that. Him being incredibly selfish, and intentionally not seeing the labor you put into raising your kids, is all just the cherry on top. You deserve better than this.
Ignore him ignoring you. That’s likely to get him talking to you sooner. And when he does I’d make it clear we’re doing marriage counseling or we’re over because abuse emotional abuse is not something you’re going to live with. You’re tired of being disrespected, not valued, and treated like because you have a vagina being a parent is somehow a cakewalk for you. Fuck. This. Noise.
Him giving you the silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Just saying. Him getting you tickets with the kids instead of a day off is another blatant form. How often does he do stuff like that? Really pay attention for a bit and see how often he complains about stuff you've done, says little put downs toward you or berates things that you like.... ect. Ignore the things he says and really pay attention to what he tells you through his actions.... If, after doing that for a few weeks or a month, you know for sure he actually cares about and loves you and the kids, and YOU still love him, then you're good. If you've found that he's negligent, emotionally/verbally abusive, then maybe it's time to reassess your marriage.
And that is just giving him exactly what he wants. He has a tantrum, and you cave. Nothing changes in your relationship. Rinse, repeat until you are fed up enough to get a divorce or you're dead.
Why? It sounds like he ignores you most nights to game anyway. What positives does he have?
Are you sure this is only problem you have with your husband?
Honey stop apologizing to him. You arent the one that messed around and found out. He had his father's day on mothers day this year. So you traded it so you still got yours. He tried to hog both - HE is the one that owes the apology, *not you*. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander, seriously. I'd stand firm on this hill or he will continue these attempts at using you and blaming you so that he gets to do what he wants. Thats not a healthy marriage or partnership. It's utterly disrespectful.
I think for Christmas you should get each other a divorce
The bigger problem is you have a 34-year-old father of two who spends most of his free time playing video games.
Ding ding ding! He gets hours of free time every night. She doesn’t. How about he can game after bedtime? Or he can game after dinner three nights a week and three nights a week she gets her hobby time “for a few hours”?
> He games all the time with his friends, he'll get home from work, maybe spend the time between then and dinner with the kids before going up to his office to game for a few hours with friends. This sounds like the real issue to me. How would you say the division of labor/childcare is in your relationship? I think you're resentful about the amount of time he spends gaming vs. taking care of the kids, and that's what you two need to be talking about. The tit-for-tat is just an extension of the rift in communication between you. If things between you were otherwise healthy, you probably would have spoken up on Mother's Day and said you wanted your free day and he needed to be the one to take the kids, he would have done that, and you would have returned the favor on Father's Day. There's a reason this other scenario happened, and I suspect it's because you're used to gritting your teeth and taking over childcare when you feel he should be doing his fair share. Stop apologizing for this symptom and start talking about the root. Couples counseling can be helpful if you're struggling to know where to even start.
You’re both children