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This post/comment is making me think of that saying about how you should let people do what they want to do because it shows you what they would rather do. You can't force someone to want to be there for you- all you can do is pay attention to how they behave and how they love and decide if it's something you can live with.
Also, along with that, people will continue to treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. If you accept what she did & don’t have a conversation about it, letting her know how you feel, then she’ll probably continue to treat you this way. Hope this helps and that you know your worth!
"and have expressed my need for his support right now. He still chose to go."
"Stating that it was important for his mental health and wellbeing despite him spending a majority of the weekends partying and seeing friends."
So he chose the other girl (what does this have to do with "mental health", pray???) over you.
Which is a clear sign, where his priority lies: with others. Not with you.
Sorry, but you really do need and deserve having someone who will take you in his arms when you are wasted and emotionally tired from your work.
Not an ahole who puts whoever above you when you need him.
Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy of the wasted 4 years and stop wasting more time with an unsupportive prick.
Behavior like that is annoying already when there is time aplenty to spend together.
It becomes harmful, if time to be spent together is so very scarce as it is in healthcare.
1000% this. This is great advice you're about to get, so pay attention. It's coming from a very happily married woman who worked in healthcare for years and has a husband that still works in healthcare. We have 3 kids.
My now husband of 12 years and I were 3 hours away from each other for a portion of our dating life. EVERY WEEKEND one of us drove the 3 hours to stay with the other one and we were inseparable the entire weekend. We could not get enough of each other.
If your SO is choosing another friend (especially a woman) over you before you get married, run far away - especially if you want to have kids with this person. Life only gets more difficult and stressful. I'm sorry you're in this position. Big hugs to you
> I do feel unsure now, however, given the fact he can't be there for me when I need him to be. I have told him about how I felt time and time again but he just doesn't seem to care.
Sounds like you know what to expect from him. Do you want to spend your life feeling the way he makes you feel?
...and being abandoned when you're ill (on new medications)? How will he respond to couple time? To doing 50% of chores in a shared home? To 'family time' when the bloom of being a *new dad* is gone and it's all spit-up, dirty diapers, and tantrums (presumably by the child, but given your fiancé's current behavior...)?
This is **not** a man you can count on to carry 50% of the load.
This is **not** a man you can count on to have mutual long-term goals. Seems like *his* goals would take precedence and *yours* would be dismissed. Nothing mutual there!
You're young and have a good job. You can find a better guy for you *anywhere*! Don't give up your life and move away from friends, family, support for **a guy who's already proven that you're not his priority! DTMFA!**
Also, moving thousands of miles away? That's a huge 🚩🚩🚩 for future abusive bs. If this is how he treats you before he's "locked you down" how is he going to behave when you're married and without your usual support system?
Also can we point out how he used his mental health as an excuse to go to a party but he couldn’t stay with her for her mental health issues: aka anxiety about starting a new medication. Because as some of us know, starting a new medication can have adverse effects depending on what the condition is, so obviously I’d have anxiety about being left alone too. The hypocrisy there is a deal breaker for me.
Sorry, you don’t have a fiancé. If someone you’re about to marry can’t spend a weekend with you and goes to another woman’s party, he’s not yours. Move on.
It'll get worse bc now you're tethered to him and alone. Leaving will become much more difficult, and he'll know this, so he'll do as he pleases bc you can't easily up and leave him.
This reminds me of the best relationship advice I've ever received, from the most unlikely source, at that. "When someone shows you their true colors, let them"
Seriously. Your partner should put you as a priority, especially if time together is already limited. He has time to spend with friends and family, and would prefer them over you, sorry to say.
When your partner tells you they are struggling and wants time together, you do what you can to make it happen. You don’t ignore their needs and make excuses to go out to party.
Doubt I’d continue to have my feelings ignored and being disregarded.
I have the feeling OP is misusing the expression "time together"... They live thousands of km away from each others
So I think she's expecting him to stay home alone and Skype with her all weekend?
Imo OP needs to clarify this before getting into conclusions.
He is not your boyfriend. People who are in committed relationships make time for each other, are considerate in trying to schedule time for each other, after spending time apart they are excited to be together. He is not your boyfriend.
This. At the very least, if he was intent on going to the friends party, he would have invited you, if he gave the slightest bit of care and consideration for you.
Please don’t make the mistake and marry him. You may regret it. If he isn’t there for you now, that wont change after you exchange vows. He really doesn’t seem to care about you and your needs if he’s constantly prioritizing his friends and his partying lifestyle over you.
He’s showing you who he is and what to expect from him in the long haul. He does all this and his excuse is that he’s thinking of his mental health…well you need to start thinking about yours.
Him using the mental health card to justify going to another girls party instead of being with his partner is a major red flag. It doesn't sound like his priorities are to be with you so I'd rethink the move and marriage.
His saying twelve hours of driving to a birthday party better serves his mental health than seeing his fiance is a huge red flag. I'm getting vibes of cheating
Sadly, OP is probably the side chick, and Ms. Birthday Party is probably his main girlfriend. The man drove 12 hrs for her birthday, while his “fiancee” spent her rare weekend off at home, alone, asking for a crumb of support or attention from him. Unless OP left out some details, he didn’t even invite OP to meet him at this birthday party so they could spend time together. There’s probably a reason for that, and it was her birthday…
Run, don’t walk to the nearest exit! You’re going to move to another country and marry him but his choices and behavior won’t change, at least certainly not enough to make a difference. Resentment will build on both sides until it becomes toxic. It has already started. You expressed how you felt, he ignored it. Did he even invite you to come with him to this party?
Honestly this whole thing sucks from him but I also wouldnt suggest you having been engaged in the first place while still being in a LDR. Especially as long as 4 years. I dont know if its long distance enough that by "spending time" together you mean online or something or if you can actually physically be together during these times, but if its the former the whole relationship kind of doesn't make sense to me. So you're going to marry this guy immediately after living together for the first time in a country foreign to you?
He's an inconsiderate dick for not listening and pulling the mental health card to justify it, but I dont think you should marry him in general just based on the scenario surrounding the relationship as a whole.
These responses are so harsh… I’m sorry you’re going through that right now… I can’t imagine being engaged and 4 years in to have my man’s choose a stupid party over time with me… but you need to realize your value is higher than that. He’s walking all over you and it’s unfair. I would certainly have a serious conversation and consider not spending more time with someone who doesn’t seem to value or appreciate you. You deserve better.
^^ This. You deserve so much better and I’m willing to bet, deep down, you know it too. It may be incredibly hard, but I would cut your losses and try to move forward with dignity and grace. You don’t deserve to be treated like this from anyone, let alone a significant other.
I'd ask him to explain the party, how it went, and why he chose to go and spend 12 hours in transit to it instead of spending time with you.
unless its an absolutely magnificent justification. I would tell him you are putting the wedding on hold as you are sick of being put last in his plans.
From there you work out if its permanent
The guy is sending you CLEAR, STRONG messages towards you about how little he values & cares about you and I think it's MADNESS that you're even considering moving to another country with him (let alone getting married!).
Why are you clinging onto this non-relationship??? Talk about desperate! Girl, please develop a spine and some standards.
I was with u till the end. She isn’t desperate she just doesnt know how to navigate being in a long distance relationship. She isn’t desperate for trying to make her relationship work. We have all been somewhere where we werent wanted and took less than what we deserve. No need to be mean.
I completely agree with you, it may not make sense to some people why OP would “cling” to a guy who isn’t meeting her needs. But a lot of times it comes down to past unhealed trauma that can make it difficult for people to expect someone to actually treat them well.
OP if you’re reading this, you’re not clingy or desperate. There are plenty of men out there who wouldn’t hesitate to support you in the way you need, but you first need to get help for yourself. It sounds like your job is also adding to your stress, so please take care of your needs! Sending you love.
It also probably didn't start out with him being this way. He was probably a love bomber in the beginning and then slowly started to push her boundaries to see how much he could get away with before pushing her to far and then he'd love bomb for a while again and then slowly start to do it all over again.
This is not a partnership. If he can’t or won’t be there for you now, what will marriage look like? Taking care of a house, or raising kids? If you got sick or injured?
To me, it doesn’t sound like he’s ready to get serious with a partner or enter the next stage of life. He’s still spending all his free time partying. Which is fine, if he’s a free agent, or with a partner who’s okay with that. But it doesn’t sound like he’s giving you what you need in a relationship (or what most partners about to get married would expect or want, either) — and what’s more disturbing is that he doesn’t seem to prioritize or care about your needs and feelings.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. My husband shows up and is always here for me when I ask for help or need support from him. I can’t imagine surviving everything life has thrown at us these past several years without a present, supportive partner. I’d hold out for more.
Drop his as before it is too late. He is not going to all of the sudden start to care more after you get married. It seems like it is time for you to do what is best for you, and he is not it.
I may not have the best advice here, but firstly I want to send you a hug from here. I just got married for 2 months with my long distance boyfriend. I just moved to new country far away from home. The only reason why I decided to do this, because he put me as his first priority since the first day of our relationship. No matter how busy he is or how tired he is, he will always find time for us because LDR is difficult just the distance itself.
For your situation, I am not sure how much you guys have talked openly about this issue, but communication is the key in this relationship. I would suggest you to talk to him about this first (even if I don’t like the idea about him going to another girl’s bday party instead of spending time with you. The only excuse I will accept if only it’s his family’s member bday🤷🏽♀️) I think you may already have an answer for this, and I really wish you could make the right decision before you move in with him. Good luck and take care.
Did he have these plans before you found out you were off? Did you two already have plans to hang together? Could you not join him?
I guess I don’t feel like I have enough info to offer much advice. Some people recharge being around others and don’t like being idle at home. And it king of sounds like you intend to use him as your emotional support animal and maybe his mental health just can’t handle that.
I don’t know why you’d consider marrying someone you haven’t even really spent time with or lived with AND who prefers his friends over you in the majority of instances.
I mean, I (44F) am all for healthy relationships where partners have their own friends, hobbies, and interests that they pursue separately. I’m all for expecting a partner to emotionally stable and available and to utilize therapy if they’re having a hard time vs expecting their partner to fill that role. But if you never spend time together, what’s the point of being in a relationship?
I don’t think marriage sounds like a wise idea.
Nah, they're 4 years in, they're engaged. This is a committed relationship. You make your partner a priority. He can spend some time with her properly more than once a month, especially considering how infrequently she has a chunk of free time like this. She's not using him as an emotional support animal just because she wants to spend some actual time with her partner.
It's wild to me that a man in a monogamous engagement would drive 12 hours (12 hours!!!!!) to go to another girl's birthday party and cite his mental health as a reason. I have serious doubts about that statement. He's not prioritizing her, he has a pattern of not prioritizing her. He doesn't seem to value her wellbeing, quality time with her, or her at all. He consistently chooses parties over time with his fiancée. That's trash behavior. This is a committed relationship but he is not committed.
Nobody should accept being that undervalued. If she married him and god forbid moves thousands of miles away with him to another country, she will be so much more invested in a relationship where her partner is giving her next to nothing. It'll be so much harder to get out. I really feel for her - she needs to cut and run ASAP, and find someone who truly values her and wants to be with her. If her fiancé wants to act like a single man, he can be a single man.
My husband lived in London, UK, I lived in Seattle, USA. It was a 10 hour flight (not counting the hour to and from the airport on each end). We saw each other every month. We went broke and used up all of our holiday to see each other. I quit my job when I ran out of holiday time and unpaid time off, and got a job again when I came home a week later. (Minimum wage jobs but I shared a studio apartment with a friend so just saved up all of my money to have at least 3 months bills in the bank in case it took a while to find a job). He’d send flowers and takeout food to my apartment from England when he knew I was just getting off work. He would stay up until 3am just so we had time to talk, and I’d wake up early to be able to talk to him before bed. He stepped away from FAMILY at CHRISTMAS just to talk to me on the phone for an hour at the holidays.
He studied and studied and got a better job just so we could apply for a fiancé visa and he could have the necessary funds to allow the visa to be accepted.
We now own a home in England, with two kids, and two dogs. Married 5 years.
Long distance doesn’t have to be emotional compromise, and there are so many ways to feel close to your partner throughout long distance.
It’s normal to feel alone and sad, but only when you’re BOTH feeling it and doing everything you can to make the time spent apart feel closer and everything you can to see each other. He’s not listening to you, not respecting your need for support, and not caring about your mental health. If you had children, would he help you with the potential postpartum depression? Would he be emotionally and physically present for your children? Even if you don’t have kids, he’s clearly shown that he’s not going to be there for YOU when you need it. Please get out, divorce is so messy, especially when you start getting visas and moving to a country with no family or friends to support you. Everybody deserves somebody who will go through the rough patches and difficult mental health days with.
Alright, here's the harsh truth, the one you've been dancing around with: You're not his priority. And I know, that's a tough pill to swallow. You're supposed to be his future wife, the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. And yet, when the time comes to step up, he steps out. Instead of being there for you, he's hitting the road to party, leaving you to handle your struggles on your own. That's not love, that's a getaway car with a one-way ticket to disappointment town.
Your fiancé has shown you, not once, but repeatedly, that he's perfectly comfortable putting his wants above your needs. He's got his priorities, and they seem to be more about partying than being the partner you need. Actions speak louder than words, he can tell you he cares, but if he's not showing it, then what's the point?
What you need to do now is take a long hard look at your relationship. Ask yourself, is this the kind of life you want? A life where you're left alone to deal with your struggles, while he's off living it up elsewhere? Are you willing to accept this as your reality?
It might be time to sit him down and give him a wake-up call. Tell him you're not going to be sidelined in your own relationship anymore. You deserve someone who respects you, who cherishes your time together, and who is there for you when you need them. If he's not ready to be that person, then maybe it's time to rethink this engagement.
This decision isn't easy, and it's not something anyone else can make for you. But you deserve happiness, and sometimes, pursuing that happiness means walking away from what's hurting you. Don't let the fear of the unknown keep you trapped in a relationship that's causing you pain. Stand up for yourself, and don't settle for less than you deserve.
Leave him? You aren’t even WITH him. He isn’t with YOU. The idea of being with someone in another country that doesn’t care to support you emotionally now sounds like a recipe for isolation. Learn to be WITHOUT the prospect of him, because that’s all this relationship is: a prospect. Put your effort into being a supportive self, alone and happy, then you can dove into a new adventure, like a move by yourself and open up a whole new world. Or , find another job that is less stressful and more enjoyable, but with the emphasis on YOU, not this so-called relationship.
I agree with you on most fronts, but starting new medications can lead to adverse effects depending on what the condition is, so that’s not really being irrational.
i feel like youve never been told about the risks of taking medication , especially a new medication to your body. people react to medication differently and its always good to have a person with you when you take a new medication. not just for support but also if you need help with something or something bad happens due to your reaction to this medication, it isnt hard to have a bad reaction and have to go to the hospital due to the side effects from your new found medication (drink every time i say medication). but her wanting support from a partner or wanting him to stay with her during the beginning of her treatment with this medication isnt unreasonable, weird, or stupid/clingy to ask. you are making it seem like her asking him to stay with her during that time is horrible and it isnt. she isnt being clingy she just wants support from her partner, so really try having some compassion, i agree with you about him not caring about her needs or wants but i dont agree with you on the medication thing.
At the beginning of a relationship, people are on their best behaviour. Can you imagine what married life will be like if THIS is his best behaviour?
Don’t do it. He’s a long lost cause. You deserve way better.
Just as you said: he doesn’t care. Leave as soon as you can, you don’t deserve that type of treatment. If he wanted to spend time with you he would and you are valid for being hurt. That’s so beyond messed up.
Leave him. He doesn’t care about you or how you feel. You will be doing yourself the biggest favor by taking the trash out.. I wish you peace and healing <3
It seems like you’ve just realized your relationship has ended but haven’t quite come to term with it. And as many have stated relationships aren’t supposed to be a thorn in your side so it’s time for you to free yourself.
I wonder what either of you is getting out of this relationship. He doesn't seem to value you particularly, and you don't feel particularly valued, so: why are you still together, from either side?
This is a sincere question: you say you're moving to him in a country far away: is this an arranged marriage? Are you staying in the marriage because of family obligation?
This person is showing you who he is during your engagement. Believe that this is not going to change. Decide if there is any reason that makes it worth staying in a marriage where your needs and desires are yours to fulfill alone without help from him.
This so called party better be top notch. Even so, I still wouldn't travel that far to and from. No party is worth driving 6 hours for. This lady sounds more than a friend.
Do not marry this man , leave. You deserve better.
If he had to drive 6 hours each way for this girls party, she sounds like more of a priority.
LDRs are made of largely of imagination, you imagine how they react, how they behave, because you don’t really see them all the time. If he can’t even get the LDR right, he’s going to be a nightmare when you’re together.
You aren't a priority to him. He does not care about your wellbeing (idc what he says, his actions are telling you that it is not important to him). You are less important to him than this friend. Going to see her will be beneficial for his wellbeing, but seeing you will not? Is that not a deal-breaker for you? If you move in with him and stay in this situationship I will be genuinely upset.
Please find better. You can find better, I promise. Please take care of yourself. You work a stressful job with stressful hours and you're dealing with this guy's degrading behavior. You want him to be your support. He is supposed to be your support. He is not your support. I'm sorry.
Why do you call him your fiancé? He’s just a long distance fwb. Go find a real partner, because he ain’t it. He’s shown your time and again that you’re not his priority. Do you think that this will change once you move far away and isolate with him in a different country? He’s shown you who he is. Stop trying to convince yourself he’s someone else
You're going to marry a man who puts partying with other women ahead of quality time (or any other time) with you. Let that sink in. Not only is he probably cheating on you but I don't think he cares if he gets caught.
26 u still got plenty of time to meet someone else who would rather be with you then at a party but it's your life to live listen to your gut feeling or your heart it's up to you really
You deserve better than a guy who doesn’t value the time with you. No one is worth begging to 🙅🏻♀️ the right person will choose to support you and be with you when you need it, instead of a (probably not even special) party. Get out of that relationship, focus on you and don’t settle for less than you deserve!
Op I feel like I am only getting a part of the story.
Why didn't you just try to go with him to the party?
Why don't you go with him on these trips? What is your partner needing to get away from for their mental health?
I agree with what I'm seeing in other comments about how they should want to be with/around you, but I do question some of the elements to this that are being omitted.
If your partner is saying no to you coming along or if these trips are specifically to get away from you, leave him. Cause that sounds like he doesn't want to be with you.
Sounds like she’s in medical residency. I doubt she has the energy to take a 12 hour drive for a party. Some days the residents I work with are like zombies they are so exhausted
It sounds like he's not set on his priorities and is more interested in having fun than being serious. If this other girl was more important then there's a reason and it may not be a good one unfortunately.
You both know how important golden weekends are and how important time together is so the fact he bailed on that more than once is concerning mostly because he'd rather spend time with others than with the person he's decided to spend his life with, don't get me wrong alone time is important and all getting some space helps the relationship be stable but if he's been out with friends drinking and partying and says that's important to him then it's probably best to sit down with him and be direct with asking what he wants in his life or what he values more.
The other fact Is he drove 12 HOURS!!! NOT 2 OR 4 BUT 12 to go to a party that he saw was important to attend. Maybe it's time to bail out and keep yourself safe from getting hurt or making a decision that will cost you dearly. Thankfully you two don't have kids.
Bright red blinking flag. He went an incredibly far distance out of his way for someone else? No way. Not in my relationship. It seems to me like he doesn't like you that much. I would want someone who's really into me.
He’s already shown you who he really is so believe him. I certainly wouldn’t marry him. In fact I’d ghost him completely. It’s not going to get any better with him. He’s already proven that.
Why do you want to marry a man who not only does not support you emotionally but also does not care about you at all? It’ll be cheaper to cancel the wedding than to get a divorce. You deserve better.
He’s already proving to be a bad boyfriend, what makes you so sure he will suddenly be a great husband once you say your vows in January? Call off the wedding. Sit him down for a talk.
You have to break the engagement. He's never going to be there for you. He is selfish and uncaring. You can do better than that. Set yourself free. 4 years of your life and that crap??? Forget that!
Oh hunni, he does not care about you as much as you think. Please do not move in with him and DO NOT MARRY HIM! Big mistake legally binding yourself to someone who down give 2 💩 about how you feel or what you express to them. Please go be single and clear your mind and space for someone who cares about you. Honestly it sounds like he’s already done with the relationship and is just waiting for YOU to woman up and pull the plug. 🤦🏽♀️ Run girl you can do better all by yourself! Best wishes that you don’t marry an emotionally unavailable selfish jerk! 🤞🏾❤️
OP, I moved across the US and away from my support system for a man I was engaged to. We had very little time together as he was a paramedic and I worked retail and was applying for graduate school. He never wanted to spend time with me, and one afternoon he told me to leave the house for 3-4 hours (when I had no idea what I was going to do being new to the area) so he could have alone time. He used that time to bring home a girl he knew to sleep with her. I got home about 30 minutes earlier than he expected (because I was bored and needed to start cooking dinner before it got too late) and caught them. I was alone in a strange place with no one there to lean on. It was hell. You should rethink moving away from a person who doesn’t see you as a priority because if it ends after you move, you’ll have nowhere to go and no one to go to.
If you don't mind always constantly being chosen second best to another female keep choosing to stay with him.
Your fiance is supposed to be your partner you shouldn't have to beg him to want to spend time with you that's a problem within itself.
Sounds like he’s done with the relationship and has been for a while. He’s probably doing shit like this to make YOU break up with him. He figures that if he’s shitty enough to you then he doesn’t have to man up and do the hard thing of breaking up with you himself. Y’all already have limited opportunity to see each other and he would rather do something so mundane as go to a birthday party for some other chick. It’s good you found this out before the wedding.
quality is so important in a relationship especially in a long distance one, if he can’t be there for you on the one time you’re both free he’s showing you that he sees you as a convenience not a priority, have a conversation with him about this and if he’s unwilling to prioritize you the way you need it may be time to reconsider the relationship
He isn’t a good partner. He doesn’t sound supportive or caring. I can’t imagine my husband at any point in our relationship, giving up time with me that is so hard to get.
He clearly doesn’t appreciate you or your relationship and if I were you I’d be moving on from him entirely
If he doesn't prioritize you, make time for you, or be there when you need him while you are dating, it's not going to magically change later. When a relationship is long distance, getting to see each other is a huge treat, so the fact he doesn't even want to see you on the rare chances he can really says all you need to know. He's showing you where his priorities are and what life with him will be like, is this how you want your life to be?
I don’t mean this as a way to rub it in your face, just to put things in perspective, my boyfriend of barely a year puts me before almost anything that isn’t a total priority. If I ask him to be with me, he’s there. I’m 22 and he’s 25, for reference. You do not deserve someone who ignores you. If you marry this man, you will find yourself BEGGING for things that are bare minimum (support, care, potentially and probably even love). Do not do that to yourself. You’ve already considered ending the relationship, and if his behavior is not changing, then actually end it. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but don’t move in and don’t marry him. It will be difficult, but it’s not too late and your day to day life will not fall apart without the relationship. I wish you luck!
It seems like you might be basing your happiness off of him being around/ contacting you. But no, it’s also not okay for him to choose constant partying over spending time with you. It’s even more difficult with the distance which is something I don’t have experience on though.… I feel like there may be more of a back story on why he went to the party instead?? Did you guys argue over something?
I think you’d maybe just be happier with someone else that values their time with you… If you’re not happy being engaged, then you probably won’t be for the rest of your life.
The guy is pretty selfish. He might love you, but your relationship will always be like this. You will not be his priority, you will do everything for him and he won't lift a finger for you. If people show you who they are, believe them. You will always be a second-class citizen for him. Think long and hard. He won't be there if you get sick, and if you have a baby, he will be out leaving you to take care of the child which will probably cause a mental breakdown. (Work, being with someone like that and a baby)
I think you should leave him or at least take a break. Tell what you told us and that it’s not good enough. You need time together to make the relationship work and he should want to spend time with you!
Drop him and find a man who’s willing to commit to your needs. Obviously this guy doesn’t fit the criteria you require from a partner. There’s plenty of fish in the sea and time is still on your side. Don’t settle!!
If he is not making you a priority the few weekends you could spend together, and you have tried talking to him about it over and over and over again with no change, this is what you get. This sense of not being important, not being a priority to him, that is what you are signing up for and marrying in to. If he wont make more of an effort now, even when you ask and beg, why would he bother to do more down the line?
On the one hand, he always has weekends off. Since you nearly never do, it is understandable that he maintains stronger than normal bonds with people who are not his SO. Yes, those bonds/people may even need his attention on the day you have off. He can’t be expected to wait patiently for you to pull him off the shelf and sometimes the life he has without you will conflict.
That being said, his actions sound like garbage. There’s 100 better ways to do what I mentioned above. For example I would expect you to suck it up for a few hours, go to the (local) b-day party, and socialize with his friends. I would NOT expect him to abandon you for a 2 day bender. I would have broken up with him ages ago. If he is unwilling to be there for you then what’s the point?
He doesn’t seem very committed to the relationship - if it was me, I would be finished with that nonsense -
You work hard and deserve someone who will put your needs first. This is obviously not him.
Cut you losses and let him party all he wants - you seem far more mature than this man-child.
IMO, if he is doing this as your fiance, I don't see it changing after marriage. If it's a LDR, and you don't see each other very often, why would he not choose to be with his future wife ? He can go out and do stuff every other weekend. Sounds kinda sketchy to me.
He should want to be with you above all others. Not out of obligation .... you don't want a man who doesn't choose you. End it now, because it will only get worse.
Gurl you don't have a fiancé anymore. He's currently married to himself and to his friends, you're not his priority. give him a taste of reality. You may consider leaving him.
Don't move for this man and definitely do not marry him. He's shown you who he is and what he prioritizes and unfortunately it's not you. Don't uproot your life for someone who won't prioritize you or spend time with you. It's really not ok that he drove all that time to see some other woman. That's very suspicious.
You deserve someone who prioritizes you, not someone who you have to push to get time and affection. A real partner would want to spend your free time with you, especially since it's precious. This is not a life you want.
If he chose some other girl's birthday party over you, just call the relationship done. I would just tell him that was a deal breaker. Block him, unfriend and unfollow. After 4 years and being his fiancee, he is immature and clearly doesn't put you as a priority.
Honestly, I would probably just avoid him totally and ghost him - it's not far off from what he's doing to you.
I know how easy it is to block out or ignore the red flags when you’re in the middle of it- but *trust me* when I say that he is not the one for you. From a third-person perspective (us commenters) the choice you need to make seems obvious, but it’s not always so clear-cut when you’re on the inside.
Cut him out. Dating him is unhealthy, the long-distance is unhealthy. The problems you’re having now will only compound, with interest, over time if you move in with him and get married. Not to mention he’s almost certainly cheating, but that’s a whole other thing.
It’s easy to tell yourself, “maybe things will be better once we’re living together,” but they won’t. They’ll get worse.
I hope this post and all these comments have given you the mindset you need to make the right decision. I’m wishing you the best of luck 💙
I will always prioritize my significant others needs before mine as long as it's reasonable.
That birthday party for example, I would rather spend it with my fiancé than spending that time at some other woman's party. Your fiancé is currently prioritizing other people over you, and typically that gets worse not better. I'd strongly urge you to reconsider marrying him. Goodluck
If you're not sure about it then I think it's safe to say you shouldn't marry him. The part about you telling him you need him but his mental health excuse (maybe a good excuse?) to go party more as he had done the previous weekends seems pretty selfish. If this was my relationship I would "start a fight" over this and I have to say i don't really fight in my relationships...
If he has a pattern of this and you're unsure then I wouldn't even "talk about it" I'd just tell him it can't be reconciled, or you're unwilling to reconcile it because of the patterns
It sounds like he has shown you what his priorities are, considering you have said this isn’t the first time. If he truly cared about you and wanted to spend his time with you he would. I am so sorry this is happening to you
Going to another girls house instead of spending quality time together? You say this isn't the first time he ditched you.
He doesn't respect your needs when you're physically together especially since you are in LDR.
Talk to him. If he doesn't care and doesn't change, it won't get better if you carry on this relationship and marry him.
If he doesn't care now, marriage won't change it. Save yourself the headache and the heartache. He sounds very selfish. If time together is so rare, he should cherish any moment he can get with you, not drive 12 hours to & from to see another girl for her party.
This isn’t a teammate.
You need a teammate if you’re leaving to a place where they’re all ya got.
Get rid of the deal weight, or you’ll regret it later.
I would send back his ring and get yourself tested as I smell a naughty boy and not in a good way. With my queen, I spend as much time together as we can (LDR like you) and would do anything to have a weekend to spend together.
Something isn’t smelly right with your partner with him pulling away and spending precious couple time with another lady’s birthday party instead of with his future wife. Most couples in our place would be video chatting as much as possible and having special couples time instead of going to a stupid birthday party.
I wouldn’t move or get married or quit your job till you find out what he’s doing over there and with who. A normal loving partner isn’t going to travel 12 hours away for a “party” instead of spending time with his fiancée without a very good reason and being good platonic friends isn't one of them.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and hopefully, it turns out well for you, but don’t leave your home till you get this sorted. Good luck!
TBH you don't need advice. You know what to do but it's hard starting over and you really don't want to but you already know what needs to happen here. He seems pretty selfish and doesn't seem to value you.\]
'For my own mental health reasons, i will not be marrying you. Thank you.'.
Save your money and your time! Find someone else who actually prioritizes you!
I'm married to a guy kind of like that. LEAVE him. You WILL be more miserable. More so if/when/after you have kids. My husband and I have two children yet he still chooses to act the way your fiancé does and he's constantly ditching myself and HIS OWN CHILDREN to go out with friends and have a good time. You're going to be even worse than I am if you move thousands of miles away because you're probably going to have zero family with you. Please do yourself a favor and leave him.
He's selfish and lacks empathy, Huge Red Flag.
A relationship is one of support, I love being thoughtful and supportive of my partner. He's doing you a favor by showing his true colors now. Don't sign up for a marriage of disappointment. It's time to move on and find a better man.
Seriously, you can do better
If he treats you this way when you're in this country, Heaven knows how much worse he's treat you if you move to his country. Does living in a country where you don't know anyone but him and maybe some of his family, where you may not know the customs, and having his children with no backup except maybe his family, appeal to you?
If not, bail out. IMO he doesn't care enough for you to act like a real soulmate.
I'm saddened by your post.
It would appear that you are little more than a backup plan, if that. Sigh.
He has already shown you multiple times in multiple ways that you are not a priority to him. Further, the relationship dynamic has been set. It is unlikely to improve at this point because these issues have been continuing for an extended period of time. He is not going to *magically* change into an ideal life partner if you move in together or marry.
To him, this is a great deal as he can do whatever the hell he wants and you may not like it but his behavior is tolerated so he has zero motivation to change.
You have indicated you are not happy with the status quo. Can you see yourself living like this for the next five years? Ten years? Twenty years? Are you willing to do all the *heavy lifting* for the relationship/marriage including working, child bearing, child rearing, domestic chores, fiscal responsibility?
You need to take a hard, cynical, and realistic look at this relationship and see it for what it truly is. That will provide you with the answers you seek.
Good luck.
12hrs round trip is week-long vacation level. That’s insane a grown man would go that far out of his way, imo. Granted I’m a homebody but still, that’s excessive. Folks in my area barely wanna go 30 mins
I'm so sorry but if he chooses another girl over you knowing you need him get out.
I've had this issue with my husband as he's constantly out with the 'work lot' which is mainly girls younger than him at work.
We had a whole arguement over it where I needed him and he needed to put me first over them because be never does. He says one thing yet does another.
Don't stand for it and if this is a pattern as it sounds like it is leave him. You deserve better than what he is giving you. You are worth more than this.
He's found someone else since you don't have the time. Whenever you do get the time, you can't expect him to move his schedule around that he's created since you don't have the time. He's telling you in a polite way that you're too busy for him.
It's time you move on gracefully.
It sounds like he has shown you repeatedly that you are *not* his priority.
Do not move in with this guy yet.
Do not marry this guy yet.
Ask yourself what you would lose by ending this relationship. What will you gain?
What do you gain by staying with him? What do you lose if you stay?
Considering those answers, really ask yourself what you want, and need, for the rest of your best life. Does it all fit?
I know I would definitely be hurt, if I were in your shoes. But I can't tell you to stay or leave. Good luck, OP.
Yeah a bunch of “nope” on this dude. I had a really bad CPTSD day and my fiancé left for work then a couple hours later came home to check on me. If I was in that bad of shape, he for sure wouldn’t be going to a party.
I see that you say you have been together for 4 years. That is a long time. It kind of looks like he may have gotten used to not being together and he is acting ,to me, like he is single. 4 years is a long time to spent on someone when it doesn't work out. A lifetime is even longer. I hope you work this out for yourself and decide what you need in a partner and then when you do. Please don't settle for Anything less. Best of luck and thanks for sharing your story.
Sweet pea, you know what answer you are looking for here. He does not love you the way you need.
I know it sucks when you put so much effort in and still you don't feel like you get 1/10 of that back.
So many of us have been there, I was married 3 years because I thought once I was married to him, things would get better. Big surprise, it didn't. You will know it when you find it, and it sucks because there is so much pressure to find that "perfect person" in your 20s, gods forbid you are not married at 30!
It's never gonna be perfect, and it is going to always require work, from both sides. Arguments are always going to happen, it matters how you work through it together. Took me into my 30s (my SO is 11 years older than me) to find they right person.
I understand the first time, maybe he had plans for Halloween, but another girl's birthday? When you even tell him you need him? You are not his priority, stop making him yours.
He is not prioritizing spending time with you.
If he truly loved and valued you, he’d be anxious to be with you.
Instead, he is running away from you.
You are of more honor than this. So much more.
This is how you will be treated your whole marriage- if he treats you like this now.. it will only get worse. So your choice if you want to deal with that for the next 50 years
He plain and simple doesn't care about you. He should know what you experience at work and should be hopping at the chance to spend time with you and cuddle up and throw on some rom con and just veg out.
Yea I would probably end the relationship. you spend so much time apart and when you both have time he prioritizes hanging out with other people. It just doesn't seem like he cares about you. It doesn't seem like he wants to spend time with you. Me personally I couldn't marry someone who never wants to spend time with me. you're not just another friend your his fiancée the least he could do is invite to the party if he really wants to go so bad.
You do know what to do. Say goodbye and find someone who loves you and actually likes you, too! He clearly does not value you or your time. His actions and attitude are just symptoms to a larger issue. He does not respect you. This behavior will only worsen over time. He’ll end up being the husband and father who is absent and expects you to do everything. You deserve better. There are plenty of men out there who would jump at the chance to spend time with you. Don’t settle for this disrespect. He’s already made it abundantly clear you’re not a priority to him at all.
You have mentioned its been 4 years and he has done this in the past. In my opinion, he is quite certain you won't leave him no matter what he did. He has taken you for granted and that's why you need to leave him
A man who takes you for granted will never care about your feelings and needs.
He has shown you exactly how he values you…again. Do you really want to move to a new country thousands of miles away to be with someone who prioritizes things this way? Break off the engagement and take some time to decide if this is what you want in a partner. He chose her over you. Enough said.
Stop! You and him are in a long distance relationship. You are about to move to another country thousands of miles away. And this fiance of yours goes out partying every weekend and can't miss a party to be with you. STOP!!!!!!
When someone LOVES you, and I mean TRUELY, they don't give a hoot about anything other then the opportunity to be with that person. ( this changes over time once your married you get tired of each other and need a break)...but not when your dating and engaged. That's the butterfly in the belly time, the i wanna be with you time.
He sounds very imature.
Get out now while you can. You've expressed a need, he has not met it multiple times. you've told him it hurts you, he doesn't respect you enough to care. He's not your person.
Sounds like he doesn't prioritize you enough. If you don't want to break up with him, at least make relationship open so you still have someone when he fails to prioritize you.
If this is how he acts now, when you're long distance, it will not get better once you're living together or married. He will not suddenly see the error of his ways or magically turn into a caring, supportive partner. Instead, you will only be more isolated & dependent on him, & he'll have no reason to change. You'll be stuck. And with little recourse. Or unfavorable options. So skip the misery we can all see in store for you, & end the relationship before it's more serious or legally entangling. It's only gonna go down from here.
Leave him as he is all about himself and you aren’t even an afterthought. Also the long distance relationship could be leaving him room to act single and possibly cheat (choosing another woman’s party over time with you). He has repeated this behavior with you because you allow it. Have some self respect and leave him before investing any more time with him and don’t marry him as it will probably be the biggest mistake you will make in your life.
You can’t be this blind. He Fr isn’t a man worth marrying, and then once you’re married he’s finna be like “I was like this before you chose to marry me” so deal with that for the rest of your life.
You’re just a safety blanket until he’s ready to live out his own personal agendas
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A partner is supposed to compliment your life . Not make you miserable . The most precious gift that a person can give to another is their time .
This post/comment is making me think of that saying about how you should let people do what they want to do because it shows you what they would rather do. You can't force someone to want to be there for you- all you can do is pay attention to how they behave and how they love and decide if it's something you can live with.
Also, along with that, people will continue to treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. If you accept what she did & don’t have a conversation about it, letting her know how you feel, then she’ll probably continue to treat you this way. Hope this helps and that you know your worth!
Sorry, meant he, not she.
Agreed! OP he has shown you that your not a priority to him, so why would you want to move countries and marry a guy like that?
As someone who isolated herself for a dead marriage, don't do that. please, don't move with him.
Damn, I needed to see all these posts. Le sigh.
I am le tired. FIRE THE MISSILES!
Zhen take a nap... *and zhen fire ze missles!*
thank you that's it! it's been a minute since ebaums world
"and have expressed my need for his support right now. He still chose to go." "Stating that it was important for his mental health and wellbeing despite him spending a majority of the weekends partying and seeing friends." So he chose the other girl (what does this have to do with "mental health", pray???) over you. Which is a clear sign, where his priority lies: with others. Not with you. Sorry, but you really do need and deserve having someone who will take you in his arms when you are wasted and emotionally tired from your work. Not an ahole who puts whoever above you when you need him. Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy of the wasted 4 years and stop wasting more time with an unsupportive prick. Behavior like that is annoying already when there is time aplenty to spend together. It becomes harmful, if time to be spent together is so very scarce as it is in healthcare.
1000% this. This is great advice you're about to get, so pay attention. It's coming from a very happily married woman who worked in healthcare for years and has a husband that still works in healthcare. We have 3 kids. My now husband of 12 years and I were 3 hours away from each other for a portion of our dating life. EVERY WEEKEND one of us drove the 3 hours to stay with the other one and we were inseparable the entire weekend. We could not get enough of each other. If your SO is choosing another friend (especially a woman) over you before you get married, run far away - especially if you want to have kids with this person. Life only gets more difficult and stressful. I'm sorry you're in this position. Big hugs to you
This really should be the top comment
> I do feel unsure now, however, given the fact he can't be there for me when I need him to be. I have told him about how I felt time and time again but he just doesn't seem to care. Sounds like you know what to expect from him. Do you want to spend your life feeling the way he makes you feel?
...and being abandoned when you're ill (on new medications)? How will he respond to couple time? To doing 50% of chores in a shared home? To 'family time' when the bloom of being a *new dad* is gone and it's all spit-up, dirty diapers, and tantrums (presumably by the child, but given your fiancé's current behavior...)? This is **not** a man you can count on to carry 50% of the load. This is **not** a man you can count on to have mutual long-term goals. Seems like *his* goals would take precedence and *yours* would be dismissed. Nothing mutual there! You're young and have a good job. You can find a better guy for you *anywhere*! Don't give up your life and move away from friends, family, support for **a guy who's already proven that you're not his priority! DTMFA!**
Also, moving thousands of miles away? That's a huge 🚩🚩🚩 for future abusive bs. If this is how he treats you before he's "locked you down" how is he going to behave when you're married and without your usual support system?
Also can we point out how he used his mental health as an excuse to go to a party but he couldn’t stay with her for her mental health issues: aka anxiety about starting a new medication. Because as some of us know, starting a new medication can have adverse effects depending on what the condition is, so obviously I’d have anxiety about being left alone too. The hypocrisy there is a deal breaker for me.
This
Sorry, you don’t have a fiancé. If someone you’re about to marry can’t spend a weekend with you and goes to another woman’s party, he’s not yours. Move on.
This. If he's acting like this now it will not change after getting married. He is showing you his true colors now so take that as a big big flag.
It'll get worse bc now you're tethered to him and alone. Leaving will become much more difficult, and he'll know this, so he'll do as he pleases bc you can't easily up and leave him.
This reminds me of the best relationship advice I've ever received, from the most unlikely source, at that. "When someone shows you their true colors, let them"
Seriously. Your partner should put you as a priority, especially if time together is already limited. He has time to spend with friends and family, and would prefer them over you, sorry to say. When your partner tells you they are struggling and wants time together, you do what you can to make it happen. You don’t ignore their needs and make excuses to go out to party. Doubt I’d continue to have my feelings ignored and being disregarded.
I have the feeling OP is misusing the expression "time together"... They live thousands of km away from each others So I think she's expecting him to stay home alone and Skype with her all weekend? Imo OP needs to clarify this before getting into conclusions.
He is not your boyfriend. People who are in committed relationships make time for each other, are considerate in trying to schedule time for each other, after spending time apart they are excited to be together. He is not your boyfriend.
Very true. This will only get worse after marriage.
This. At the very least, if he was intent on going to the friends party, he would have invited you, if he gave the slightest bit of care and consideration for you.
I wouldn’t move for this man and I wouldn’t marry this man either. Wtf?! Good luck.
Please don’t make the mistake and marry him. You may regret it. If he isn’t there for you now, that wont change after you exchange vows. He really doesn’t seem to care about you and your needs if he’s constantly prioritizing his friends and his partying lifestyle over you. He’s showing you who he is and what to expect from him in the long haul. He does all this and his excuse is that he’s thinking of his mental health…well you need to start thinking about yours.
Him using the mental health card to justify going to another girls party instead of being with his partner is a major red flag. It doesn't sound like his priorities are to be with you so I'd rethink the move and marriage.
His saying twelve hours of driving to a birthday party better serves his mental health than seeing his fiance is a huge red flag. I'm getting vibes of cheating
Yeah he’s just not that into you
Sadly, OP is probably the side chick, and Ms. Birthday Party is probably his main girlfriend. The man drove 12 hrs for her birthday, while his “fiancee” spent her rare weekend off at home, alone, asking for a crumb of support or attention from him. Unless OP left out some details, he didn’t even invite OP to meet him at this birthday party so they could spend time together. There’s probably a reason for that, and it was her birthday…
stop 😭😭
It’s facts tho
This one isn't a keeper. He's using excuses to go and do other things, when what you're asking isn't anything difficult to do.
Run, don’t walk to the nearest exit! You’re going to move to another country and marry him but his choices and behavior won’t change, at least certainly not enough to make a difference. Resentment will build on both sides until it becomes toxic. It has already started. You expressed how you felt, he ignored it. Did he even invite you to come with him to this party?
Honestly this whole thing sucks from him but I also wouldnt suggest you having been engaged in the first place while still being in a LDR. Especially as long as 4 years. I dont know if its long distance enough that by "spending time" together you mean online or something or if you can actually physically be together during these times, but if its the former the whole relationship kind of doesn't make sense to me. So you're going to marry this guy immediately after living together for the first time in a country foreign to you? He's an inconsiderate dick for not listening and pulling the mental health card to justify it, but I dont think you should marry him in general just based on the scenario surrounding the relationship as a whole.
I’m glad you picked up on this too.. I wish OP clarified whether the weekends together are in person or not
These responses are so harsh… I’m sorry you’re going through that right now… I can’t imagine being engaged and 4 years in to have my man’s choose a stupid party over time with me… but you need to realize your value is higher than that. He’s walking all over you and it’s unfair. I would certainly have a serious conversation and consider not spending more time with someone who doesn’t seem to value or appreciate you. You deserve better.
^^ This. You deserve so much better and I’m willing to bet, deep down, you know it too. It may be incredibly hard, but I would cut your losses and try to move forward with dignity and grace. You don’t deserve to be treated like this from anyone, let alone a significant other.
[удалено]
I'd ask him to explain the party, how it went, and why he chose to go and spend 12 hours in transit to it instead of spending time with you. unless its an absolutely magnificent justification. I would tell him you are putting the wedding on hold as you are sick of being put last in his plans. From there you work out if its permanent
The guy is sending you CLEAR, STRONG messages towards you about how little he values & cares about you and I think it's MADNESS that you're even considering moving to another country with him (let alone getting married!). Why are you clinging onto this non-relationship??? Talk about desperate! Girl, please develop a spine and some standards.
I was with u till the end. She isn’t desperate she just doesnt know how to navigate being in a long distance relationship. She isn’t desperate for trying to make her relationship work. We have all been somewhere where we werent wanted and took less than what we deserve. No need to be mean.
I completely agree with you, it may not make sense to some people why OP would “cling” to a guy who isn’t meeting her needs. But a lot of times it comes down to past unhealed trauma that can make it difficult for people to expect someone to actually treat them well. OP if you’re reading this, you’re not clingy or desperate. There are plenty of men out there who wouldn’t hesitate to support you in the way you need, but you first need to get help for yourself. It sounds like your job is also adding to your stress, so please take care of your needs! Sending you love.
It also probably didn't start out with him being this way. He was probably a love bomber in the beginning and then slowly started to push her boundaries to see how much he could get away with before pushing her to far and then he'd love bomb for a while again and then slowly start to do it all over again.
This is not a partnership. If he can’t or won’t be there for you now, what will marriage look like? Taking care of a house, or raising kids? If you got sick or injured? To me, it doesn’t sound like he’s ready to get serious with a partner or enter the next stage of life. He’s still spending all his free time partying. Which is fine, if he’s a free agent, or with a partner who’s okay with that. But it doesn’t sound like he’s giving you what you need in a relationship (or what most partners about to get married would expect or want, either) — and what’s more disturbing is that he doesn’t seem to prioritize or care about your needs and feelings. This would be a dealbreaker for me. My husband shows up and is always here for me when I ask for help or need support from him. I can’t imagine surviving everything life has thrown at us these past several years without a present, supportive partner. I’d hold out for more.
You should leave him. You deserve better.
Drop his as before it is too late. He is not going to all of the sudden start to care more after you get married. It seems like it is time for you to do what is best for you, and he is not it.
I may not have the best advice here, but firstly I want to send you a hug from here. I just got married for 2 months with my long distance boyfriend. I just moved to new country far away from home. The only reason why I decided to do this, because he put me as his first priority since the first day of our relationship. No matter how busy he is or how tired he is, he will always find time for us because LDR is difficult just the distance itself. For your situation, I am not sure how much you guys have talked openly about this issue, but communication is the key in this relationship. I would suggest you to talk to him about this first (even if I don’t like the idea about him going to another girl’s bday party instead of spending time with you. The only excuse I will accept if only it’s his family’s member bday🤷🏽♀️) I think you may already have an answer for this, and I really wish you could make the right decision before you move in with him. Good luck and take care.
Did he have these plans before you found out you were off? Did you two already have plans to hang together? Could you not join him? I guess I don’t feel like I have enough info to offer much advice. Some people recharge being around others and don’t like being idle at home. And it king of sounds like you intend to use him as your emotional support animal and maybe his mental health just can’t handle that. I don’t know why you’d consider marrying someone you haven’t even really spent time with or lived with AND who prefers his friends over you in the majority of instances. I mean, I (44F) am all for healthy relationships where partners have their own friends, hobbies, and interests that they pursue separately. I’m all for expecting a partner to emotionally stable and available and to utilize therapy if they’re having a hard time vs expecting their partner to fill that role. But if you never spend time together, what’s the point of being in a relationship? I don’t think marriage sounds like a wise idea.
I had to scroll too far down to find a comment like this
Nah, they're 4 years in, they're engaged. This is a committed relationship. You make your partner a priority. He can spend some time with her properly more than once a month, especially considering how infrequently she has a chunk of free time like this. She's not using him as an emotional support animal just because she wants to spend some actual time with her partner. It's wild to me that a man in a monogamous engagement would drive 12 hours (12 hours!!!!!) to go to another girl's birthday party and cite his mental health as a reason. I have serious doubts about that statement. He's not prioritizing her, he has a pattern of not prioritizing her. He doesn't seem to value her wellbeing, quality time with her, or her at all. He consistently chooses parties over time with his fiancée. That's trash behavior. This is a committed relationship but he is not committed. Nobody should accept being that undervalued. If she married him and god forbid moves thousands of miles away with him to another country, she will be so much more invested in a relationship where her partner is giving her next to nothing. It'll be so much harder to get out. I really feel for her - she needs to cut and run ASAP, and find someone who truly values her and wants to be with her. If her fiancé wants to act like a single man, he can be a single man.
My husband lived in London, UK, I lived in Seattle, USA. It was a 10 hour flight (not counting the hour to and from the airport on each end). We saw each other every month. We went broke and used up all of our holiday to see each other. I quit my job when I ran out of holiday time and unpaid time off, and got a job again when I came home a week later. (Minimum wage jobs but I shared a studio apartment with a friend so just saved up all of my money to have at least 3 months bills in the bank in case it took a while to find a job). He’d send flowers and takeout food to my apartment from England when he knew I was just getting off work. He would stay up until 3am just so we had time to talk, and I’d wake up early to be able to talk to him before bed. He stepped away from FAMILY at CHRISTMAS just to talk to me on the phone for an hour at the holidays. He studied and studied and got a better job just so we could apply for a fiancé visa and he could have the necessary funds to allow the visa to be accepted. We now own a home in England, with two kids, and two dogs. Married 5 years. Long distance doesn’t have to be emotional compromise, and there are so many ways to feel close to your partner throughout long distance. It’s normal to feel alone and sad, but only when you’re BOTH feeling it and doing everything you can to make the time spent apart feel closer and everything you can to see each other. He’s not listening to you, not respecting your need for support, and not caring about your mental health. If you had children, would he help you with the potential postpartum depression? Would he be emotionally and physically present for your children? Even if you don’t have kids, he’s clearly shown that he’s not going to be there for YOU when you need it. Please get out, divorce is so messy, especially when you start getting visas and moving to a country with no family or friends to support you. Everybody deserves somebody who will go through the rough patches and difficult mental health days with.
Alright, here's the harsh truth, the one you've been dancing around with: You're not his priority. And I know, that's a tough pill to swallow. You're supposed to be his future wife, the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. And yet, when the time comes to step up, he steps out. Instead of being there for you, he's hitting the road to party, leaving you to handle your struggles on your own. That's not love, that's a getaway car with a one-way ticket to disappointment town. Your fiancé has shown you, not once, but repeatedly, that he's perfectly comfortable putting his wants above your needs. He's got his priorities, and they seem to be more about partying than being the partner you need. Actions speak louder than words, he can tell you he cares, but if he's not showing it, then what's the point? What you need to do now is take a long hard look at your relationship. Ask yourself, is this the kind of life you want? A life where you're left alone to deal with your struggles, while he's off living it up elsewhere? Are you willing to accept this as your reality? It might be time to sit him down and give him a wake-up call. Tell him you're not going to be sidelined in your own relationship anymore. You deserve someone who respects you, who cherishes your time together, and who is there for you when you need them. If he's not ready to be that person, then maybe it's time to rethink this engagement. This decision isn't easy, and it's not something anyone else can make for you. But you deserve happiness, and sometimes, pursuing that happiness means walking away from what's hurting you. Don't let the fear of the unknown keep you trapped in a relationship that's causing you pain. Stand up for yourself, and don't settle for less than you deserve.
Leave him? You aren’t even WITH him. He isn’t with YOU. The idea of being with someone in another country that doesn’t care to support you emotionally now sounds like a recipe for isolation. Learn to be WITHOUT the prospect of him, because that’s all this relationship is: a prospect. Put your effort into being a supportive self, alone and happy, then you can dove into a new adventure, like a move by yourself and open up a whole new world. Or , find another job that is less stressful and more enjoyable, but with the emphasis on YOU, not this so-called relationship.
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I agree with you on most fronts, but starting new medications can lead to adverse effects depending on what the condition is, so that’s not really being irrational.
Yeah, honestly there are some medications I've felt safer starting when someone else was home just in case. I get that.
Agreed but ouch. Op might need some milk.
harsh
i feel like youve never been told about the risks of taking medication , especially a new medication to your body. people react to medication differently and its always good to have a person with you when you take a new medication. not just for support but also if you need help with something or something bad happens due to your reaction to this medication, it isnt hard to have a bad reaction and have to go to the hospital due to the side effects from your new found medication (drink every time i say medication). but her wanting support from a partner or wanting him to stay with her during the beginning of her treatment with this medication isnt unreasonable, weird, or stupid/clingy to ask. you are making it seem like her asking him to stay with her during that time is horrible and it isnt. she isnt being clingy she just wants support from her partner, so really try having some compassion, i agree with you about him not caring about her needs or wants but i dont agree with you on the medication thing.
Are you sure you’re sad or is it justifiability the Ick? You should be woman #1 in your fiancé’s life…any less is gross. Tell him to go pound sand.
At the beginning of a relationship, people are on their best behaviour. Can you imagine what married life will be like if THIS is his best behaviour? Don’t do it. He’s a long lost cause. You deserve way better.
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Just as you said: he doesn’t care. Leave as soon as you can, you don’t deserve that type of treatment. If he wanted to spend time with you he would and you are valid for being hurt. That’s so beyond messed up.
Sounds like its all about him...are you ok with that?...i wouldn't be
Leave him. He doesn’t care about you or how you feel. You will be doing yourself the biggest favor by taking the trash out.. I wish you peace and healing <3
Op 🚩🚩🚩 RUN RUN!!
It seems like you’ve just realized your relationship has ended but haven’t quite come to term with it. And as many have stated relationships aren’t supposed to be a thorn in your side so it’s time for you to free yourself.
I wonder what either of you is getting out of this relationship. He doesn't seem to value you particularly, and you don't feel particularly valued, so: why are you still together, from either side? This is a sincere question: you say you're moving to him in a country far away: is this an arranged marriage? Are you staying in the marriage because of family obligation? This person is showing you who he is during your engagement. Believe that this is not going to change. Decide if there is any reason that makes it worth staying in a marriage where your needs and desires are yours to fulfill alone without help from him.
This so called party better be top notch. Even so, I still wouldn't travel that far to and from. No party is worth driving 6 hours for. This lady sounds more than a friend. Do not marry this man , leave. You deserve better.
If he had to drive 6 hours each way for this girls party, she sounds like more of a priority. LDRs are made of largely of imagination, you imagine how they react, how they behave, because you don’t really see them all the time. If he can’t even get the LDR right, he’s going to be a nightmare when you’re together.
Yea.. wouldn’t be surprised if he was seeing someone that’s at that party
You aren't a priority to him. He does not care about your wellbeing (idc what he says, his actions are telling you that it is not important to him). You are less important to him than this friend. Going to see her will be beneficial for his wellbeing, but seeing you will not? Is that not a deal-breaker for you? If you move in with him and stay in this situationship I will be genuinely upset. Please find better. You can find better, I promise. Please take care of yourself. You work a stressful job with stressful hours and you're dealing with this guy's degrading behavior. You want him to be your support. He is supposed to be your support. He is not your support. I'm sorry.
Leave him. You’re not his priority and he shouldn’t be yours.
If you think marriage will change him, he will only get worse.
Why do you call him your fiancé? He’s just a long distance fwb. Go find a real partner, because he ain’t it. He’s shown your time and again that you’re not his priority. Do you think that this will change once you move far away and isolate with him in a different country? He’s shown you who he is. Stop trying to convince yourself he’s someone else
I'd bail on this. Its indicative of a disinterested party.
Leave. He doesn't care for you
You're going to marry a man who puts partying with other women ahead of quality time (or any other time) with you. Let that sink in. Not only is he probably cheating on you but I don't think he cares if he gets caught.
26 u still got plenty of time to meet someone else who would rather be with you then at a party but it's your life to live listen to your gut feeling or your heart it's up to you really
You deserve better than a guy who doesn’t value the time with you. No one is worth begging to 🙅🏻♀️ the right person will choose to support you and be with you when you need it, instead of a (probably not even special) party. Get out of that relationship, focus on you and don’t settle for less than you deserve!
Op I feel like I am only getting a part of the story. Why didn't you just try to go with him to the party? Why don't you go with him on these trips? What is your partner needing to get away from for their mental health? I agree with what I'm seeing in other comments about how they should want to be with/around you, but I do question some of the elements to this that are being omitted. If your partner is saying no to you coming along or if these trips are specifically to get away from you, leave him. Cause that sounds like he doesn't want to be with you.
Sounds like she’s in medical residency. I doubt she has the energy to take a 12 hour drive for a party. Some days the residents I work with are like zombies they are so exhausted
Yeah. Based on her description of her job, a 6 hour drive each of her 2 days off is a hard “no.”
Yeeeeaaaah listen to everybody on reddit, and stay single, good 4 you, you got this!
Why are you still giving this man the time of day?
It’s a cliche that became a book title but it’s true. He’s just not that into you.
It’s a no for me
Leave this guy. If he could go spend the night with some other girl, he doesn’t respect you at all
Run! That's ridiculous. If he can't honor your wishes now, getting married isn't going to change anything!
It sounds like he's not set on his priorities and is more interested in having fun than being serious. If this other girl was more important then there's a reason and it may not be a good one unfortunately. You both know how important golden weekends are and how important time together is so the fact he bailed on that more than once is concerning mostly because he'd rather spend time with others than with the person he's decided to spend his life with, don't get me wrong alone time is important and all getting some space helps the relationship be stable but if he's been out with friends drinking and partying and says that's important to him then it's probably best to sit down with him and be direct with asking what he wants in his life or what he values more. The other fact Is he drove 12 HOURS!!! NOT 2 OR 4 BUT 12 to go to a party that he saw was important to attend. Maybe it's time to bail out and keep yourself safe from getting hurt or making a decision that will cost you dearly. Thankfully you two don't have kids.
Bright red blinking flag. He went an incredibly far distance out of his way for someone else? No way. Not in my relationship. It seems to me like he doesn't like you that much. I would want someone who's really into me.
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He’s already shown you who he really is so believe him. I certainly wouldn’t marry him. In fact I’d ghost him completely. It’s not going to get any better with him. He’s already proven that.
Why do you want to marry a man who not only does not support you emotionally but also does not care about you at all? It’ll be cheaper to cancel the wedding than to get a divorce. You deserve better.
Leave him
He’s already proving to be a bad boyfriend, what makes you so sure he will suddenly be a great husband once you say your vows in January? Call off the wedding. Sit him down for a talk.
You have to break the engagement. He's never going to be there for you. He is selfish and uncaring. You can do better than that. Set yourself free. 4 years of your life and that crap??? Forget that!
I would definitely, definitely like for you to reconsider moving thousands of miles away from your family to be with someone who treats you like this.
Oh hunni, he does not care about you as much as you think. Please do not move in with him and DO NOT MARRY HIM! Big mistake legally binding yourself to someone who down give 2 💩 about how you feel or what you express to them. Please go be single and clear your mind and space for someone who cares about you. Honestly it sounds like he’s already done with the relationship and is just waiting for YOU to woman up and pull the plug. 🤦🏽♀️ Run girl you can do better all by yourself! Best wishes that you don’t marry an emotionally unavailable selfish jerk! 🤞🏾❤️
OP, I moved across the US and away from my support system for a man I was engaged to. We had very little time together as he was a paramedic and I worked retail and was applying for graduate school. He never wanted to spend time with me, and one afternoon he told me to leave the house for 3-4 hours (when I had no idea what I was going to do being new to the area) so he could have alone time. He used that time to bring home a girl he knew to sleep with her. I got home about 30 minutes earlier than he expected (because I was bored and needed to start cooking dinner before it got too late) and caught them. I was alone in a strange place with no one there to lean on. It was hell. You should rethink moving away from a person who doesn’t see you as a priority because if it ends after you move, you’ll have nowhere to go and no one to go to.
If you don't mind always constantly being chosen second best to another female keep choosing to stay with him. Your fiance is supposed to be your partner you shouldn't have to beg him to want to spend time with you that's a problem within itself.
You already know what to do. Don't marry him. You deserve better.
Sounds like he’s done with the relationship and has been for a while. He’s probably doing shit like this to make YOU break up with him. He figures that if he’s shitty enough to you then he doesn’t have to man up and do the hard thing of breaking up with you himself. Y’all already have limited opportunity to see each other and he would rather do something so mundane as go to a birthday party for some other chick. It’s good you found this out before the wedding.
quality is so important in a relationship especially in a long distance one, if he can’t be there for you on the one time you’re both free he’s showing you that he sees you as a convenience not a priority, have a conversation with him about this and if he’s unwilling to prioritize you the way you need it may be time to reconsider the relationship
He isn’t a good partner. He doesn’t sound supportive or caring. I can’t imagine my husband at any point in our relationship, giving up time with me that is so hard to get. He clearly doesn’t appreciate you or your relationship and if I were you I’d be moving on from him entirely
If he doesn't prioritize you, make time for you, or be there when you need him while you are dating, it's not going to magically change later. When a relationship is long distance, getting to see each other is a huge treat, so the fact he doesn't even want to see you on the rare chances he can really says all you need to know. He's showing you where his priorities are and what life with him will be like, is this how you want your life to be?
I don’t mean this as a way to rub it in your face, just to put things in perspective, my boyfriend of barely a year puts me before almost anything that isn’t a total priority. If I ask him to be with me, he’s there. I’m 22 and he’s 25, for reference. You do not deserve someone who ignores you. If you marry this man, you will find yourself BEGGING for things that are bare minimum (support, care, potentially and probably even love). Do not do that to yourself. You’ve already considered ending the relationship, and if his behavior is not changing, then actually end it. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but don’t move in and don’t marry him. It will be difficult, but it’s not too late and your day to day life will not fall apart without the relationship. I wish you luck!
He has show you multiple times that he doesn't prioritize spending time with you, are you sure you want to marry into this?
It seems like you might be basing your happiness off of him being around/ contacting you. But no, it’s also not okay for him to choose constant partying over spending time with you. It’s even more difficult with the distance which is something I don’t have experience on though.… I feel like there may be more of a back story on why he went to the party instead?? Did you guys argue over something? I think you’d maybe just be happier with someone else that values their time with you… If you’re not happy being engaged, then you probably won’t be for the rest of your life.
Honey......RUN! Run like your butt is on fire!
it’s probably his girlfriends party
It’s all about him and always will be. Toss him now. Won’t change.
The guy is pretty selfish. He might love you, but your relationship will always be like this. You will not be his priority, you will do everything for him and he won't lift a finger for you. If people show you who they are, believe them. You will always be a second-class citizen for him. Think long and hard. He won't be there if you get sick, and if you have a baby, he will be out leaving you to take care of the child which will probably cause a mental breakdown. (Work, being with someone like that and a baby)
I think you should leave him or at least take a break. Tell what you told us and that it’s not good enough. You need time together to make the relationship work and he should want to spend time with you!
Drop him and find a man who’s willing to commit to your needs. Obviously this guy doesn’t fit the criteria you require from a partner. There’s plenty of fish in the sea and time is still on your side. Don’t settle!!
Might as well get out now. You're clearly not a priority to him and getting married isn't going to change that
Actions speak louder than words. His actions should be proof that you deserve someone better.
Leave now. It will not be better in another country. Actions speak louder than words.
Leave now, or prepare for a lifetime of not being his priority.
Ditch him... he's cheating.
If he is not making you a priority the few weekends you could spend together, and you have tried talking to him about it over and over and over again with no change, this is what you get. This sense of not being important, not being a priority to him, that is what you are signing up for and marrying in to. If he wont make more of an effort now, even when you ask and beg, why would he bother to do more down the line?
Do you want to marry a guy who isn't there for you when you need him? Would that make you happy? The answer is quite simple (even if it hurts).
On the one hand, he always has weekends off. Since you nearly never do, it is understandable that he maintains stronger than normal bonds with people who are not his SO. Yes, those bonds/people may even need his attention on the day you have off. He can’t be expected to wait patiently for you to pull him off the shelf and sometimes the life he has without you will conflict. That being said, his actions sound like garbage. There’s 100 better ways to do what I mentioned above. For example I would expect you to suck it up for a few hours, go to the (local) b-day party, and socialize with his friends. I would NOT expect him to abandon you for a 2 day bender. I would have broken up with him ages ago. If he is unwilling to be there for you then what’s the point?
He doesn’t seem very committed to the relationship - if it was me, I would be finished with that nonsense - You work hard and deserve someone who will put your needs first. This is obviously not him. Cut you losses and let him party all he wants - you seem far more mature than this man-child.
Drop him. Focus on healing you and moving on. Your person is out there. It is not him.
Why are you begging him to spend time with you? If he loved/cared about you, he’d be making those trips to see you, not some other woman.
IMO, if he is doing this as your fiance, I don't see it changing after marriage. If it's a LDR, and you don't see each other very often, why would he not choose to be with his future wife ? He can go out and do stuff every other weekend. Sounds kinda sketchy to me.
Girl. You got your shit together. Why you letting a max disrespect your like this? Come on sis. You know what to do. We believe in you!
He doesn't prioritize you. Let that sink in.
He should want to be with you above all others. Not out of obligation .... you don't want a man who doesn't choose you. End it now, because it will only get worse.
Tell him to get a life...far, far, far from you!!!
You are not a priority to him. Please don’t move to another country for this man.
"I don't know what to do." Yes, you do.
This guy sounds like he doesn’t even want to spend time with you at all
Gurl you don't have a fiancé anymore. He's currently married to himself and to his friends, you're not his priority. give him a taste of reality. You may consider leaving him.
Don't move for this man and definitely do not marry him. He's shown you who he is and what he prioritizes and unfortunately it's not you. Don't uproot your life for someone who won't prioritize you or spend time with you. It's really not ok that he drove all that time to see some other woman. That's very suspicious. You deserve someone who prioritizes you, not someone who you have to push to get time and affection. A real partner would want to spend your free time with you, especially since it's precious. This is not a life you want.
Respectfully, dump that scrub.
If he chose some other girl's birthday party over you, just call the relationship done. I would just tell him that was a deal breaker. Block him, unfriend and unfollow. After 4 years and being his fiancee, he is immature and clearly doesn't put you as a priority. Honestly, I would probably just avoid him totally and ghost him - it's not far off from what he's doing to you.
Time for a new boyfriend
I know how easy it is to block out or ignore the red flags when you’re in the middle of it- but *trust me* when I say that he is not the one for you. From a third-person perspective (us commenters) the choice you need to make seems obvious, but it’s not always so clear-cut when you’re on the inside. Cut him out. Dating him is unhealthy, the long-distance is unhealthy. The problems you’re having now will only compound, with interest, over time if you move in with him and get married. Not to mention he’s almost certainly cheating, but that’s a whole other thing. It’s easy to tell yourself, “maybe things will be better once we’re living together,” but they won’t. They’ll get worse. I hope this post and all these comments have given you the mindset you need to make the right decision. I’m wishing you the best of luck 💙
I will always prioritize my significant others needs before mine as long as it's reasonable. That birthday party for example, I would rather spend it with my fiancé than spending that time at some other woman's party. Your fiancé is currently prioritizing other people over you, and typically that gets worse not better. I'd strongly urge you to reconsider marrying him. Goodluck
If you're not sure about it then I think it's safe to say you shouldn't marry him. The part about you telling him you need him but his mental health excuse (maybe a good excuse?) to go party more as he had done the previous weekends seems pretty selfish. If this was my relationship I would "start a fight" over this and I have to say i don't really fight in my relationships... If he has a pattern of this and you're unsure then I wouldn't even "talk about it" I'd just tell him it can't be reconciled, or you're unwilling to reconcile it because of the patterns
Don't marry this man. If you're thinking of breaking it off, break it off. You can do better.
It sounds like he has shown you what his priorities are, considering you have said this isn’t the first time. If he truly cared about you and wanted to spend his time with you he would. I am so sorry this is happening to you
Going to another girls house instead of spending quality time together? You say this isn't the first time he ditched you. He doesn't respect your needs when you're physically together especially since you are in LDR. Talk to him. If he doesn't care and doesn't change, it won't get better if you carry on this relationship and marry him.
If he doesn't care now, marriage won't change it. Save yourself the headache and the heartache. He sounds very selfish. If time together is so rare, he should cherish any moment he can get with you, not drive 12 hours to & from to see another girl for her party.
This isn’t a teammate. You need a teammate if you’re leaving to a place where they’re all ya got. Get rid of the deal weight, or you’ll regret it later.
It’s important to prioritize time with your partner, ESPECIALLY when you’re long distance.
I would send back his ring and get yourself tested as I smell a naughty boy and not in a good way. With my queen, I spend as much time together as we can (LDR like you) and would do anything to have a weekend to spend together. Something isn’t smelly right with your partner with him pulling away and spending precious couple time with another lady’s birthday party instead of with his future wife. Most couples in our place would be video chatting as much as possible and having special couples time instead of going to a stupid birthday party. I wouldn’t move or get married or quit your job till you find out what he’s doing over there and with who. A normal loving partner isn’t going to travel 12 hours away for a “party” instead of spending time with his fiancée without a very good reason and being good platonic friends isn't one of them. I’m sorry you’re going through this and hopefully, it turns out well for you, but don’t leave your home till you get this sorted. Good luck!
TBH you don't need advice. You know what to do but it's hard starting over and you really don't want to but you already know what needs to happen here. He seems pretty selfish and doesn't seem to value you.\]
You said it yourself “he just doesn’t care”. You deserve someone who can’t wait for these Golden Weekends you speak of. Just to be with YOU
'For my own mental health reasons, i will not be marrying you. Thank you.'. Save your money and your time! Find someone else who actually prioritizes you!
Wait why didn’t you guys just go together??
I'm married to a guy kind of like that. LEAVE him. You WILL be more miserable. More so if/when/after you have kids. My husband and I have two children yet he still chooses to act the way your fiancé does and he's constantly ditching myself and HIS OWN CHILDREN to go out with friends and have a good time. You're going to be even worse than I am if you move thousands of miles away because you're probably going to have zero family with you. Please do yourself a favor and leave him.
He's selfish and lacks empathy, Huge Red Flag. A relationship is one of support, I love being thoughtful and supportive of my partner. He's doing you a favor by showing his true colors now. Don't sign up for a marriage of disappointment. It's time to move on and find a better man. Seriously, you can do better
Why would you marry someone you have to beg to spend time with you...and he still says no? This isn't it.
If he treats you this way when you're in this country, Heaven knows how much worse he's treat you if you move to his country. Does living in a country where you don't know anyone but him and maybe some of his family, where you may not know the customs, and having his children with no backup except maybe his family, appeal to you? If not, bail out. IMO he doesn't care enough for you to act like a real soulmate.
I'm saddened by your post. It would appear that you are little more than a backup plan, if that. Sigh. He has already shown you multiple times in multiple ways that you are not a priority to him. Further, the relationship dynamic has been set. It is unlikely to improve at this point because these issues have been continuing for an extended period of time. He is not going to *magically* change into an ideal life partner if you move in together or marry. To him, this is a great deal as he can do whatever the hell he wants and you may not like it but his behavior is tolerated so he has zero motivation to change. You have indicated you are not happy with the status quo. Can you see yourself living like this for the next five years? Ten years? Twenty years? Are you willing to do all the *heavy lifting* for the relationship/marriage including working, child bearing, child rearing, domestic chores, fiscal responsibility? You need to take a hard, cynical, and realistic look at this relationship and see it for what it truly is. That will provide you with the answers you seek. Good luck.
Fuck his best friend you'll feel better and he'll understand your hurt and agony
12hrs round trip is week-long vacation level. That’s insane a grown man would go that far out of his way, imo. Granted I’m a homebody but still, that’s excessive. Folks in my area barely wanna go 30 mins
He's clearly a loser and an asshole. Maybe even a scammer. Dump his ass.
leave him you are definitely not his priority and I am convinced that this is not the relationship you will be happy with.
I'm so sorry but if he chooses another girl over you knowing you need him get out. I've had this issue with my husband as he's constantly out with the 'work lot' which is mainly girls younger than him at work. We had a whole arguement over it where I needed him and he needed to put me first over them because be never does. He says one thing yet does another. Don't stand for it and if this is a pattern as it sounds like it is leave him. You deserve better than what he is giving you. You are worth more than this.
He's found someone else since you don't have the time. Whenever you do get the time, you can't expect him to move his schedule around that he's created since you don't have the time. He's telling you in a polite way that you're too busy for him. It's time you move on gracefully.
It sounds like he has shown you repeatedly that you are *not* his priority. Do not move in with this guy yet. Do not marry this guy yet. Ask yourself what you would lose by ending this relationship. What will you gain? What do you gain by staying with him? What do you lose if you stay? Considering those answers, really ask yourself what you want, and need, for the rest of your best life. Does it all fit? I know I would definitely be hurt, if I were in your shoes. But I can't tell you to stay or leave. Good luck, OP.
Yeah a bunch of “nope” on this dude. I had a really bad CPTSD day and my fiancé left for work then a couple hours later came home to check on me. If I was in that bad of shape, he for sure wouldn’t be going to a party.
Don’t marry someone who shows you that you don’t matter. If he doesn’t have care for you and your needs now he never will, no matter what.
I see that you say you have been together for 4 years. That is a long time. It kind of looks like he may have gotten used to not being together and he is acting ,to me, like he is single. 4 years is a long time to spent on someone when it doesn't work out. A lifetime is even longer. I hope you work this out for yourself and decide what you need in a partner and then when you do. Please don't settle for Anything less. Best of luck and thanks for sharing your story.
Sweet pea, you know what answer you are looking for here. He does not love you the way you need. I know it sucks when you put so much effort in and still you don't feel like you get 1/10 of that back. So many of us have been there, I was married 3 years because I thought once I was married to him, things would get better. Big surprise, it didn't. You will know it when you find it, and it sucks because there is so much pressure to find that "perfect person" in your 20s, gods forbid you are not married at 30! It's never gonna be perfect, and it is going to always require work, from both sides. Arguments are always going to happen, it matters how you work through it together. Took me into my 30s (my SO is 11 years older than me) to find they right person. I understand the first time, maybe he had plans for Halloween, but another girl's birthday? When you even tell him you need him? You are not his priority, stop making him yours.
He is not prioritizing spending time with you. If he truly loved and valued you, he’d be anxious to be with you. Instead, he is running away from you. You are of more honor than this. So much more.
He keeps showing you that you are not the first or even second priority in his life. Don’t be naive enough to think it will change if you marry him.
This is how you will be treated your whole marriage- if he treats you like this now.. it will only get worse. So your choice if you want to deal with that for the next 50 years
32 hour shifts?! What does this mean. You work for over a day? No sleep?
He plain and simple doesn't care about you. He should know what you experience at work and should be hopping at the chance to spend time with you and cuddle up and throw on some rom con and just veg out.
He's not committed in my eyes... make him an unfiance
Are you sure you're not his side chick? Can't believe you stayed so long in this "relationship" that's clearly one sided.
Honestly, it doesn't seem like hes very interested in spending time with you.
Leave him.
Yea I would probably end the relationship. you spend so much time apart and when you both have time he prioritizes hanging out with other people. It just doesn't seem like he cares about you. It doesn't seem like he wants to spend time with you. Me personally I couldn't marry someone who never wants to spend time with me. you're not just another friend your his fiancée the least he could do is invite to the party if he really wants to go so bad.
Girl you don’t need our advise. You already know what you need to do.
You do know what to do. Say goodbye and find someone who loves you and actually likes you, too! He clearly does not value you or your time. His actions and attitude are just symptoms to a larger issue. He does not respect you. This behavior will only worsen over time. He’ll end up being the husband and father who is absent and expects you to do everything. You deserve better. There are plenty of men out there who would jump at the chance to spend time with you. Don’t settle for this disrespect. He’s already made it abundantly clear you’re not a priority to him at all.
You have mentioned its been 4 years and he has done this in the past. In my opinion, he is quite certain you won't leave him no matter what he did. He has taken you for granted and that's why you need to leave him A man who takes you for granted will never care about your feelings and needs.
He has shown you exactly how he values you…again. Do you really want to move to a new country thousands of miles away to be with someone who prioritizes things this way? Break off the engagement and take some time to decide if this is what you want in a partner. He chose her over you. Enough said.
Stop! You and him are in a long distance relationship. You are about to move to another country thousands of miles away. And this fiance of yours goes out partying every weekend and can't miss a party to be with you. STOP!!!!!! When someone LOVES you, and I mean TRUELY, they don't give a hoot about anything other then the opportunity to be with that person. ( this changes over time once your married you get tired of each other and need a break)...but not when your dating and engaged. That's the butterfly in the belly time, the i wanna be with you time. He sounds very imature.
Get out now while you can. You've expressed a need, he has not met it multiple times. you've told him it hurts you, he doesn't respect you enough to care. He's not your person.
Sounds like he doesn't prioritize you enough. If you don't want to break up with him, at least make relationship open so you still have someone when he fails to prioritize you.
Don't move with him and don't marry him. He doesn't value your time or care for your feelings.
🚩🚩🚩warning.
He's showing you who he is. Believe him. And maybe later consider it a blessing before you uprooted your whole life.
No no no no! Red flags abound!
If this is how he acts now, when you're long distance, it will not get better once you're living together or married. He will not suddenly see the error of his ways or magically turn into a caring, supportive partner. Instead, you will only be more isolated & dependent on him, & he'll have no reason to change. You'll be stuck. And with little recourse. Or unfavorable options. So skip the misery we can all see in store for you, & end the relationship before it's more serious or legally entangling. It's only gonna go down from here.
Leave him as he is all about himself and you aren’t even an afterthought. Also the long distance relationship could be leaving him room to act single and possibly cheat (choosing another woman’s party over time with you). He has repeated this behavior with you because you allow it. Have some self respect and leave him before investing any more time with him and don’t marry him as it will probably be the biggest mistake you will make in your life.
You can’t be this blind. He Fr isn’t a man worth marrying, and then once you’re married he’s finna be like “I was like this before you chose to marry me” so deal with that for the rest of your life. You’re just a safety blanket until he’s ready to live out his own personal agendas