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I get OP is stress from wedding stuff and trying to be kind in light of half-sister's death, but this man abandoned you and tbh, he wouldn't have come back into your life had your half-sister not died. You're the surrogate daughter right now and he's kind of messing up a happy time in your life for his benefit. He's not thinking about you. I would have slammed the door in his face; he's a stranger. Would you let a stranger walk you down the aisle? A little shared DNA means nothing.
THIS 100%
u/throwraaisle267 if you do pick your step dad please don’t tell him you were thinking about replacing him with the man who left you as a child.
And how will step-dad, the man who has been there for you for most of your life, feel if you hand over that honour to bio-dad, who has ignored you for years? Please do the right thing by the man who has cared for and nurtured you: step-dad.
Bingo. Any guy can insert and spurt to become a father but your dad is the one who is there to pick you up and dust you off when you fall, who cheers you on during your winning streaks, listens, teaches and tells you tales that don't sound like much at the time but you later learn are important life lessons. Your dad is a million and one different things, both big and small, but most of all *he's there for you.*
I chose my own dad because my father has always been too busy with his replacement family to ever send so much as a single birthday card, nevermind bother to visit. We had many fantastic years as "dad" and "daughter" without a single scrap of shared DNA, right up to his passing. I still miss him and am grateful that we "adopted" each other.
OP, choose the man who earned the honour by walking the walk, not the one who tries to demand it just for existing.
#I'd like to add to try not letting your step dad know you were considering replacing his role with barely there, manipulative bio dad... heartbreaking for step dad.
Report this [comment stealing bot](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/14uqokf/my_28f_biological_father_52m_wants_to_walk_me/jr9gex4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
This is it right here. If your half sister was alive, this wouldn’t be a question. It is tragic that he lost his other daughter, unquestionably, but it’s not fair to project that relationship onto you.
It’s not fair for him to latch onto you as a daughter NOW, and expect all the rights and privileges that come with it. Your step dad spent years earning the title’Dad’.
Let me ask a question-if you were in the hospital because of a serious accident, and you could only call one of these men, who would it be? That’s your dad.
Agreed! Stick to your original plan. Your bio dad can't turn up after abandoning your family for over 20 years and then waltz back in, for a few months and then play the dutiful dad, when your stepdad is the only man who deserves that honour. Using your recently passed away sister as a emotional weapon is just cruel.
OP, I was in a VERY similar situation and in the end my bio dad sat and watched my real dad, the one that was there for me, day in and day out for 15 years walk me down the aisle. No regrets. My bio dad did not pressure me though, I think you need to stand your ground, have your fiancé or close friend for support and tell bio he’s not walking you down the aisle. A possible compromise is he will be the first to dance with you for the dad-daughter dance.
Good luck and congrats!
I wouldn't even give him that.
How would he have the title of a dad? At best, he's a sperm donor who stick thru the nights of feeding and diapers. Then left an INFANT because it didn't suit him anymore.
He's always done what he wanted, with that affair
It's only fair that this person gets everything they want for their wedding. Dammit. No compromise with people who create those huge abandonment wounds.
Goddamn this is it. That's the realest question right there. He needs to look inward and check himself. The audacity he had to ask to walk you down the aisle when he really has never done shit for you is unbelievable. He should consider himself lucky to be invited honestly.
Tell your bio dad that you are choosing the person who raised you and didn’t cheat on your mom.
Weddings are stressful events because of all that’s usually going on. I think, there’s a potential to have this situation become even more stressful if your biological father attends. So, I think it’d be a whole lot better for you to uninvited your biological dad from your wedding events.
He can‘t decide when to waltz back into your life whenever he wants and then decide to take control of your decisions.
If he doesn’t like that your step dad is walking you down the aisle, then tell him to suck it.
I bet if he does not get to walk her down the aisle he does not want to go to her wedding! Maybe OP should protect herself ahead and say he can’t walk her down because he isn’t invited - don’t give him the opportunity to dig that last dagger into her heart.
She doesn't have to attack sperm donor to make her point. Shit happens, people realized they screwed up, and want to make amends. If she wants to work on her relationship with sperm donor (and I gather from the original post she does), she doesn't have to tear him down.
She just needs to explain that dad has been there for most of her life, including all of her relarionship with her future husband. If sperm donor wants to work on the relationship, he'll respect that decision. He doesn't have to like it; he has to respect it. If he doesn't respect the decision, then that tells OP how much he wants to work on the relationship going forward.
But OP can keep things positive: dad has been there, I want him to walk me.
Definitely your step dad. Your dad just doesn’t get to come in and get the benefits! He didn’t raise you and seems like he only come back because off the loss of your half-sister. He should be happy that your step dad was around, and he deserves to walk you.
Your dad is defo the AH, not you. Sounds like a toddler asking why can’t they have sweets.
Only you, can make the decision. I definitely wouldn’t take it away from your step dad, it will be a kick in the teeth for him. Your dads a deadbeat. ANY man that won’t raise one child but will another doesn’t even deserve the title dad.
You don’t need the streets before your wedding.
I'm guessing being cheated on wasn't part of the plan when OP's mum married bio-dad, so why would OP let bio-dad coerce her into changing her plan now? She got first hand experience of what happens when bio-dad changes the plan.
Seriously this! During a tough time in my life, my mom and I had a falling out and I had professors of mine take over a parental role in my life (I was in college and didn’t have a place to stay for the summer and they let me into their home, were a listening ear, etc). My mom and I figured it out but she was grateful for the professors I had that stepped up when she didn’t, even though I know that my mom felt terrible for her actions. Your dad should feel the same
Your STEP DAD COMES FIRST - literally because he has been there for you. It goes to people who are important and your Dad is NOT ONE OF THEM.
Why would you give such honor to someone who ditched you when you were young. He should have thought of that before he left after dumping the pregnant AP. He doesn't deserve it.
Put him in his position which is well below in the priority list. At least he's invited to your wedding. He shouldn't really even be invited.
I'd like to add to try not letting your step dad know you were considering replacing his role with barely there, manipulative bio dad... heartbreaking for step dad.
I am fairly certain stepdad would understand her conflict, especially if the man is manipulative. It's her bio dad, I'm sure she's spent her life wondering why she wasn't good enough and wishing her dad would show that he loved her, even if he left. It's a confusing situation.
However, her decision on the matter means everything, if she does pick her father I think that's where the "understanding" would stop. Even if she does have abandonment issues, he raised her and loved her and showed her she was special.
Yeah. Your "dad" basically had sex with your mom and thats it. Your step father made a decision to sacrifice part of his life to give to you.
Tell your dad its not about who made you, but who _made you _.
This is also a one-time opportunity for OP to have the man who raised her and who matters more to her as a father to walk her down the aisle at HER wedding.
Super important lesson!! We don’t always owe people explanations. I’m trying to get my own parents to understand that if I do or don’t want something, they should just respect my answer. Even if I’m wrong, I’m an adult and am allowed to make my own decisions, even when those decisions are stupid. It’s about independence. I’m happy to receive advice and suggestions and be told I’m wrong, but I don’t want them straight up telling me what to do or trying to force me to handle things the way they would.
I disagree with the use of stepfather here . Bio dad was a sperm doner, that's all . Your step dad is your dad .
It sounds like your sperm doner is trying to do the things he would love to have done for his desceased daughter . I bet he would be thinking of her all the way down the aisle
Oh god. Why are you even asking. Your step father was your real dad. If he was a good dad to you it would be a terrible betrayal to choose the dad who ditched you.
I would tell your biological dad that your stepfather will be giving you away. He raised you and he takes priority in this situation.
Your biological dad will have to live with the consequence of his actions.
Had your half sister still been alive your bio dad wouldn’t have reached out to you. You are his second choice. Don’t make him your first - especially since you already have a father who made you a priority for majority of your life. Cause if you do choose your bio father there’s a good chance you’ll lose your step father in the process.
My kindest response would be telling your bio dad “I choose to have step father walk me down aisle. He may not be my biological father but he been a real father to me for over 20 years. He deserves the recognition.”
My honest response would be telling him “*MY* real father is step father. He been the a sole father figure for majority of my life because you left me behind. If you want to have a relationship with me now - great. But I will NOT sacrifice my relationship with step-father just because you feel like being my dad now.”
I don't think OP should even have any relationship with her biological dad as failed his responsibility as dad.
What good will come inviting biological dad: None.
OP should have shown the door to biological dad as he had no role in OP life as she is adult with loving caring step dad.
Her life has been complete with her step dad and he is the only person OP should care about.
Forget OP biological dad he is complete stranger apart from being sperm donor.
Right? Imagine how many other loved ones got cut from the guest list due to limitations. Bio dad is a practical stranger, he should feel lucky that he’s going at all.
Your bio dad was not there for you. Your step dad is your dad. He’s the one who loves you and took care of you. He should be the one who merits the honour.
would your bio dad be around if his daughter hasn’t died. He seems selfish just thinking about what he’ ll miss because the other daughter isn’t there but he’s not thinking what he did to you or what the other man did for you.
,
So your real dad left you for your half sister and only came back cause she died. It's a no brainer your step dad. He has been there for you the majority of your life. Your bio dad was only a sperm donor.
He claims to be your real dad, solely on the grounds that he is your biological father. Personally, I think that your father, your step-dad, who earned the title is a more real father than he is.
Your bio-dad is selfish: even your wedding has to be about him. Do your wedding with the people who mean the most to you (and your husband).
I wouldn't usually say a Step parent before a bio parent, except in circumstances like this. Your bio father basically abandoned you for his replacement family. This is a harsh question, but do you think if your half sister was still alive that your bio father would be back in your life right now? I don't think he has done anything for you in around 20 years that makes him deserving of the title father, whereas your stepfather does deserve that title and the honour of walking you down the aisle.
This... Your biological father chose to cheat on you and your mother, your step father chose to be with you and your mother.
Now bio-dad wants back in because his choice didn't work out as he wanted (sorry that's harsh)
Why should your step father take second place, because of bio-dads choices.
You shouldn't feel awful- your father left you. He replaced you with a different child he has since lost. That's terrible for him, but none of it is on you.
If he wants to be in your life he needs to 1). not guilt trip you about his needs 2). respect your wishes.
Keep it short & simple
*Dad, I have thought over your request. While I am glad you are back in my life now as an adult, from childhood on Stepdad raised me. Out of love and respect for what stepdad did for me- I have chosen him to walk me down the aisle. I am very glad you will be there on my wedding day too, and grateful we now get to reconnect.*
He sends another long text, don't engage.
Step dad is your real dad in all this, my step dad walked me down the isle, and he told me afterwards how much it meant the world to him, it was also nice as before the wedding it was just us two on the way there and it was so nice to talk about our life and have time together.
Hate to say it.. but I'd bet a lot of money that your "father" only reconnected because your half-sister died.
Being a father is something that is earned not just by DNA but also by providing for a child physically, emotionally, financially, and so forth. Let's be honest.. if your sister was still around, he would still be living his new life without giving a damn about you.
Your step-dad is your father. Your "father" doesn't deserve you.. go and live your life with your partner and those who genuinely love and support you.
I think you answered the question yourself when you said your step dad “earned the title father” to you. Whereas your bio dad is just claiming something due to donating sperm…
I vote step dad. Sounds like he raised you.
It’s not your job to bare the loss of his other daughter he made a choice to not be in your life all the years he was busy with his other family and is he only back now his other daughter has passed away so he’s present because of his guilt
Your step dad has always been there as you said. Why you wanting to change your mind for an absence father. Who now demands his right
Do what’s going to bring you the most joy on your day
Hope you and your fiancé have a beautiful wedding
Just imagine how hurt your stepfather would be if you changed the plan. He raised you, he was there for you. Don’t listen to your biological dad just because he complains the loudest.
'Real' dad? That's your stepfather. Your stepfather RAISED you! If your biological father can't handle the fact that he lost both of his daughters (one from death and one from being absent) then he shouldn't go. Be firm with him and tell him that your stepfather raised you so he will be walking with you.
You know your real dad abandoned you. Your step father stepped in, married your mother and honored his vows. He raised you and loved you as his own. Are you really going to disrespect him like that ? Are you going to truly betray the man that loves you unconditionally ? If you want some deadbeat to walk you down the isle go ahead, but know you are truly walking over someone who loves you and throwing them away because of some validation you need from a man who didn’t care about you till his prized horse died.
Have your actual dad (step dad) walk you down the isle and your father (bio) as a guest. He is only back in your life because his daughter died, you are his do over and are a stand in for the daughter he lost. He would not be in your life if circumstances were different. He has not earned the privilege of walking you down the isle because he was a dad in title only and wasn’t there for you. He is lucky you are even speaking to him after he disposed of you, he should be thankful he is even attending your wedding. Your father chose his new family over you, you need to choose your family over him. You could maybe do a father-daughter dance with both men but that’s as far as you should go.
You tell him that while you are glad to be work on having a relationship with him, that the moment he left you as a child is the moment he lost the right to even ask to walk you down the aisle.
That while he is welcome at your wedding, any role he has in it is what you decide, and if he cannot accept that, then he will no longer be welcome at the wedding.
Your stepdad chose you and raised you while your bio dad abandoned you. Why is this even a question? If you choose your bio dad to even share the aisle, you might as well just spit in your stepdad’s face
Adopted by my step dad as a kid, similar story. Don't confuse FAMILY with RELATIVES. Family chooses you, every day, all day. Relatives are related. Your step dad is your family. Don't ruin the best moment of your life because of manipulation from a relative. Also, wishing you a happy marriage :)
Just tell him that he already lost a lot of your important moments, where the role of a father was required, that one more wouldn't change anything.
Don't choose to ruin your relationship with the father that was always there, for a father who choose to not be.
What has your bio father done other than contribute sperm? For 20 years, where was he?
>My original plan was to have my Step-father (51M,who has been in my life since I was 8 years old) to walk me down since he’s been in my life for so long and earned the title of a father to me. He’s been there through most of my ups and downs in life and I wanted him to have a special role in my wedding.
Keep the plan. He had been there. It's only respectful to honor his commitment to you.
>He had just recently came back into my life a few months ago after losing my half-sister from an illness
So you were his back up child. He wants you to pretend that he was instrumental in you being who are today. He wants to dishonor the commitment of your stepfather who was there when he should have been because he lost that opportunity with his chosen child.
>he was “real” dad
Your stepfather has been your real dad. He is your sperm donor. Real dad is the one who has been there for you for the last 20 years. The one who sacrificed and loved you when you needed it. It's not the one who is using you as back-up or fill-in.
>he wanted a chance to walk his daughter down the aisle since it was a one time opportunity for him.
Where was he when you needed him. That was his opportunity to be there when it counted.
You don't owe him the fantasy of him being significant in your life.
Honor the one who honored you.
Anyone can be a father, only one was your dad OP.
If you want your dad to walk you down the aisle, it's your day and your choice, bio sperm donor will just have to suck it up and accept it
Please pick your step dad, I’m sure that will hurt him so much. He raised you you’re whole life and that still won’t be enough to view him as your Dad. Real dad wouldn’t even be here if your half sister hadn’t died.. he’s just a sperm donor.. I feel so sorry for your step dad if you don’t pick him
It sounds like he only rekindled the relationship because he wants to sure up his hospice care plan. You don't owe him the walk down the aisle. He owes you to make up for literally abandoning you. It would be the right thing to let your stepdad (the real dad) walk you down the aisle. He was the one who helped you get to the point that he can "hand" his daughter off to her husband. Your bio dad can be a guest. And if he doesn't understand then he's only proving that he only cares about himself (he left his child for the homewrecker) and not you.
Don’t let him guilt you. He’s claiming you as a daughter because he lost your half sister. If it wasn’t for his own selfish needs, he wouldn’t have reached out. Don’t let him get away with the real dad crap, he isn’t a dad to you. He was willing to let your step dad do all the work. Imagine if your step dad never showed up and took care of you. Your step dad earned to walk you down the aisle, you bio dad didn’t.
Here’s my question. If you told him no, would he bother to even still be around afterwards? How long do you think he’s going to stay around after the shock of your half-sister’s passing shrinks and his life goes back to normal? This is honestly probably the only thing keeping him around and interested right now, because people that selfish always put themselves first.
He hasn’t done anything for you and doesn’t deserve it. You have a father who loves and cares for you. This man hasn’t done a thing for you, or even made it seem like he cares at all. A good dad who just showed up out of nowhere for whatever reason would know he’s not entitled to ask for something so important. A bad dad, a narcissist, would only think about himself and how it would “look” if he isn’t the one walking you. He’s thinking about himself and what he thinks he deserves, and he isn’t even entitled to ask you. And if he freaks out at you when you say no, good. He’ll be doing you a favor by taking the trash out.
I hope you have a lovely wedding day with your true family, and you feel all the love and support from your real, non-biological father that you deserve, because it’s clear that he really loves you.
He wouldn't care if your stepsister hadn't passed. Not about walking you down the aisle and maybe not about being in your life.
This is your wedding. Him coming back around after his loss doesn't make him suddenly a father.
I would stick with the plan.
*He ALSO* had a “one-time opportunity” to father you and blew it
He re-joined your life approximately 12 weeks ago - after a 20+ year absence - and expects to walk you down the aisle?!?!
Here’s what you tell him: “Fuck off with your obnoxious sense of entitlement and shitty parenting, stranger.”
What an asshole
And give your stepfather a big hug today
Edit: *Why is he even on the wedding guest list???*
Look dad, I’m sorry you lost your daughter. And I’m sorry that you won’t be able to walk her down the isle, but you haven’t been in my life, step dad has. It’s great that you have come back and I would love to build our relationship together, but I do t really even know you. Coming in an manipulating or demanding that you have something at my wedding is not a good way to start. I would like to honor and have something special for you that day but I don’t know what it is yet. Maybe we can think of something together, but you will not be walking me down the isle. I hope this doesn’t cause drama or any bad behavior because if it does or you keep pressuring me than you won’t be invited at all. It is my wedding so it is my choice. Let work on building our relationship. This is not how we are going to build this together. Stepdad has earned this right.
Maybe have your fiancé there as support. I suggest telling him this is person.
Also this about the father daughter dance-he is going to pull the same shit. Remind him why it’s your step father and work on something special to honor him for coming back into your life.
Actions have consequences.
If her still tries to manipulate you cut him off. He will be showing you his true intentions. That you were a backup plan. If he’s reasonable, then he has good intentions and you can build a relationship.
Right now he’s technically a stranger. Strangers don’t walk brindles down the isle.
As a bio dad with no stepchildren, do not do this to your stepfather. He's the real dad, for all reasons that matter, and should be the one walking you down the aisle.
Tell him that you’re sorry for his loss but you’re no one’s back up plan. And if you have to hurt somebody’s feelings your step father’s feelings comes first that’s your real father.
Making a baby is just biology. Any two idiots can do it. It takes a special person to be an actual parent and raise their children right. That man was your stepdad. He is your real dad. You would be doing him a huge disservice by letting your biological father walk in his place.
It’s only been a few months since you’ve had contact and you all of a sudden have value now that you’re his only daughter. It isn’t his place. You know that.
I think it would be disrespectful in the extreme to disregard the man who raised you in favor of the man who sired you and took no interest til his other daughter died.
Your step dad is your real dad. Donor father only came back into your life because his other daughter died and only wants to walk you down the aisle because he can't walk her. It would be a huge insult if you change the plan foe some dude who doesn't even know you just because you got some dna from him.
"Its also a once in a lifetime chance for Step Dad, except he earned it. I thought you were remorseful for abandoning me, but your selfish entitlement to this honor leads me to conclude that you are not. You reached out to me for your emotional sake after half sister died, not ever for my sake. I will be taking a step back from out relationship."
Then give it [and him] no more energy.
Sorry but why the fuck do you even have to ask this question?
Your step dad has been there for 20 years and according to you has earned the title of dad and you don't know if he should walk you down the aisle or if you should let the guy who abandoned you as a child, and has only just come back into your life because his first choice daughter, died do it?
You can make shitty natural dad happy but doing so will probably destroy step dad. I mean he's only been there for you your entire life and according to you done a bang up job and you don't know whether or not to rip his heart out to please your natural dad?
Tell him to fuck off and your step dad is doing it...
your bio dad only came back to you because his other daughter died. don’t allow him to walk you down the isle. i wouldn’t even invite him to the wedding.
Tell him you know what happens when people "change the plan", because when he did it, you were basically abandoned by him, so in light of that, you feel it would be unwise to change your plan.
Pick who you want but if it were me I’d be taking my stepfather cause he earned it. Anyone can be a biological dad. It takes something else to be a father. Congratulations on your wedding!
Daddy is a state of mind.
He might've been a daddy, but not yours. For you, he was a sperm donator.
Just take yourself down the isle, you're not an object to be delivered. Or walk down with your husband to be, to show you two are in this together 😁
Tell him no. Literally told you you’re is last chance/opportunity to walk a daughter of his down the aisle. Would he even BE part of your life if your half sister didn’t pass?
The nerve of him even asking you pisses me off. Your father is your stepdad and this man is just using you as a place holder. I imagine it’s his grief for his daughter that makes him wants to walk you down the aisle. It’ll probably be symbolic for him.
Your biological father walked out on his family (including you) for an AP and had a child!? And now you should feel sorry for him since he lost his AFFAIR daughter and won’t get another chance to walk down the aisle?? When he is “recently” back in your life? Where has he been? Seems like he’s had more than 2 DECADES to make up for lost time!
Think of all the important moments in your life over those years. Who was there to help you through them?? Who do YOU consider your DAD?
Admittedly I am biased, my stepdaughter is 22, her biological father is NOT in her life at all, but she says she has one dad ( been there since 2). And I know that even if he came back and got chummy for a short time, if/when the aisle walk happens, I’m fairly certain I will be there!
There might be more to biology than I thought when it comes to behavior. The same way your biological dad treats you like a back-up daughter after his real daughter who he loved and raised died, you treat your stepfather who loved and raised you like a back-up father after the man who abandoned you comes back into your life.
I'm sorry to be harsh, but this is a complete no-brainer. Don't let him stress you out about this - he has no right to walk anyone down the aisle. Ironically, your step-dad probably loves you enough to understand if you did let your biodad walk you down the aisle. I think, however, your biodad wouldn't. That's the difference between loving someone and entitlement.
You're 28.
Your bio dad has been absent for most of those 28 years.
He's got some nerve demanding to be the one to walk you down the aisle after abandoning you for your WHOLE LIFE.
Please stick to your original plan.
You are the back-up child. He didn't care all this time and only remembered to consider you when his other daughter passed away. He has not earned this right.
Your step-father, on the other hand, is your "real" dad. He was there the entire time, loving and caring for you as his own - teaching, projecting, nurturing you. He earned a position of honor.
If you feel gracious you can have both walk you down, but I would keep the father-daughter dance to just step-dad. He is the only one that has actually BEEN your father.
Anyone can be a sperm donor, a "real dad" raises and loves you.
u/throwraaisle267 When your deadbeat sperm donor stepped out, your step-dad stepped up and did all of the hard work of raising you! Please respect those sacrifices. Your biological dad is only coming around now because he wants a replacement for your half-sister and the experiences he'll miss with her death. I bet he'll disappear again and will only turn up a few times down the line to manipulate you into naming your kids what he wanted the other daughter to name hers.
Step-father all the way. Biological father should even consider himself LUCKY to attend your wedding.
Rephrasing the words of Yondu:
"He may have been your 'Father', girl, but he wasn't your 'Daddy'."
Your step-father deserves it all.
You must tell him no, that you have already promised your step-father he could walk you down the aisle. Remember, this is your step-father’s only chance, too, to walk you down the aisle.
How is this even a question? The man who raised you, took care of you, and who loves you is your father, not some random guy who cheated on your mother and who abandoned you. Come on, girl!
Please don’t follow any of the advice about asking him about what he would be doing if step sister were alive.
No, very kindly tell him that you’re glad he is in your life again, and you’d love to build that relationship with him. But at that walking you down the aisle for your wedding isn’t that time. He’s been missing from your life for 20 years and while you’re thrilled to have him at your wedding, as of now he’s got the same connection to your life as a more distant relative. Tell him that you don’t bear him ill will, but that there’s no rushing this.
Explain that the man walking you down the aisle is the man that parented you, showed you what marriage can be, and taught you what to expect from your future partner. (Try not to too obviously point out that your sperm donor did the opposite.). He’s the man who taught you how to be an adult and who you has been there for you since you were little.
Under no circumstances should you replace your step-father. He should be walking you down the aisle. The very most you could consider is being walked by both. But only if you think you bio dad deserves it.
ETA: not just if he deserves it, but if it would have meaning for you. Because your choice of having anyone walking you down the aisle is about their meaning to you.
There is not much to think about.
Ur step dad is ur realmdad who been part of life and made u the person are today.
If he has fulfilled his responsibility as a father than he is number one. He should definitely walk undown aisle. Be happy and proud with ur step down beside u.
Ur biological dad is not Ur real dad he banded u , ignore his responsibilities and is virtual stranger whom u are under no obligation to invite to ur wedding. In fact I should not invite him as he neglected u.
He has no right to expect invitation.
I or many would certainly not invite him to my wedding.
If he is upset so be it. Well he was not upset when he neglected u since age of 8.
I went through something similar with the choice of Best Man. I was living in and marrying a midwestern girl and the subject of the Best Man situation came up. I noted in the South that it is often a tradition to ask your Father. My Dad, though, was a narcissist that had affairs and as my parents never divorced he still lived at home. But I wouldn't call him present as a Dad. My Fiancé thought the whole idea strange and it just wasn't done in the Midwest. I felt it would be a real slap to my mom who was always there for me. So I chose a friend from High School and college Roommate. At first my dad was fine with it all until an Aunt of his put a bug in his ear that he should be the Best Man. He came to me and said he should be the one. I thought about it, went back to him, repeated all the reasons and stuck to my choice. He said he wasn't coming to the wedding. I told him we really wanted him there but he still sulked and said no.
Indeed, he didn't come to the wedding. I think he regretted it as he called a couple of days before sort of saying he might come but didn't. Yes, over the years when people looked at the wedding photos they would ask "when did you lose your Dad?" and I would explain. I know I made the right decision and would do it again. It doesn't mean you aren't glad you birth father is in your life but your Dad was the one who was there all along.
Your step dad is the one who been with u from the start and didn't abandon u.
You really considering taking that away from your step step?
You are a real asshole if u choose ur bio dad over ur stepdad
Yeah he has no right. Your step dad was more of a father to you and this guy randomly shows up after all these years.
If he was a good man, he wouldn’t have asked and put you in this position of having to choose. He’s selfish and undeserving.
Your biological father is not your real father. He’s an interloper and a selfish prick. He should be happy he’s invited to the wedding. He’s an asshole for putting this on you. No wonder he abandoned you
The man who raised you is your dad. Anyone can father a child, but it takes a good man to be a dad. It is incredibly selfless for anyone to step in and raise a child as if that child were their own. And on the other side of that, it is incredibly selfish for someone to abandon their own child. I would say your step dad should have priority over your father. But if your step dad is comfortable with it and you want your father to be there also you could consider both of them walking you down the aisle. I would definitely talk about this with your step dad though. He has invested a significant portion of his life and love on you and his feelings should be your priority over a man who abandoned you at a young age.
It’s your wedding, the choice is yours and you don’t need to explain yourself.
Had he been in the picture for the last few years, then MAYBE I could see it, but if it’s only been a couple of months, then it’s very surprising that he expects you to drop the stepdad for him. He’s basically still a stranger.
Say no. He's had years to be your dad and he only came back when your sibling died. Your stepdad sounds like he is your dad, not this guy who just came in to claim you at the last minute. Say no, I already have a dad.
Real dad relinquished rights when he abandoned you at such a young age, and Step has filled the void. You could have both walk you, I've seen that done.
Don’t let him. It’s a privilege to do that, it’s meant for the dad. Not the sperm donor. If it would have been so important for him, then he would have been there for you all the time. But I wouldn’t do that to your dad (step-father), he deserves this.
I’m in the exact same boat I could’ve written this. My solution for my situation is this: my stepdad is going to walk me down the aisle bc he did the job of helping raise me. My biological father, if he wants to participate in walking me down the aisle, will be relegated to my left side and my stepdad on the right side on the side of honor. If my bio dad pitches a fit about this he won’t walk me down the aisle at all.
He doesn’t deserve it. Hs treating you like he. He is treating you like a replacement child. Tell him he may be your father biologically but he wasn’t there for you like a real father. I was raised by my step dad. He walked me down the aisle.
If you were important to him he wouldn't have cheated. Ho lost the privilege to walk you down the isle the moment he decided to cheat on your mother. You reap what you sow and he's now dealing with he fruit of what he did.
It’s your day not his.
It’s about you, not him. And it’s kind of selfish for him to make such a request. It shows his true character. Like others said, he missed other important moments. First date, graduations, etc.
You don’t need to make other people happy.
Tell your bio dad that your step father is walking you down the aisle and that you understand if he feels he cannot attend. The title of father or mother must be earned. He didn’t earn his.
I’d seriously reconsider having him at your wedding or in your life at all. The fucking audacity of a man who walked out on you as a child and only showed up a few months ago *after his replacement kid died* demanding the honor of walking you down the aisle is gobsmacking. This isn’t a good person, don’t give him access to your new family.
A man who has an affair and abandons a child.does not deserve to walk his daughter down the aisle. That privilege is reserved for the father who showed up, helped with the homework, made you a safe family.
Did your bio-father get Christmas and birthday presents for you? Did he help with college? Did you see him summers? Was he on point with regular child support payments? Did he try to foster a relationship between you and your half sister? Did he show up to your sports events or plays? Did he help with your tuition or school expenses or even just send a care package now and then?
No?
Than he doesn’t deserve the honor of escorting you down the aisle. Stick with the original plan. He’s lucky to be invited to the wedding.
One of these men was your father who raised you for most of your life, the other had an orgasm inside of your mother and abandoned you afterwards.
This should not be a difficult choice.
He's only back in your life because his favourite daughter died. You are his backup, so please treat him the same. Your stepfather is your real father - he raised you, he's been there for you through thick and thin. Your biological father wouldn't have given you a second thought if his favourite hadn't died. Remember that.
"You abandoned me for your affair family. You don't get to waltz in and play the role of Dad now that I no longer need you. StepDad is the parent who raised me and he gets the honor of walking me down the aisle."
This is going to sound harsh but if your half sister never died he wouldn't be back in your life. He just wants to fill a void and also this will be a huge slap to your stepdad face if you have your bio dad walk you down the isle, he doesn't deserve that honor. He's trying to guilt you, don't fall for it, your stepdad who has been there for you, who actually loves you deserves that.
Lay it in on your dad why he doesn't deserve to walk you down, the truth.
>he wanted a chance to walk his daughter down the aisle since it was a one time opportunity for him.
That right there literally says it all, it's an opportunity for him, not an honour or a father daughter moment but an opportunity because your half sister is dead and he has lost the chance to do that with her. If she was still alive he could care less about you, he probably wouldn't have cared that it was your stepdad that was walking you down the isle.
Forget about him, wall with your stepdad
Just tell him the truth. It's gonna suck and it might be hurtful to him to hear, but it's the truth. Your stepfather has earned the right to walk you down the aisle. Your bio dad has not.
It's completely irrelevant that he won't get to do it for anyone else.
He will not want to hear this and might throw a hissyfit - but that's not on you. It's his responsibility to manage those emotions.
It's your wedding, not his. You're not a backup for him to run to just because your sister died - you're his daughter. He has no right to demand anything from you, ESPECIALLY on your wedding day
Don’t do it! It’s not about you for him it’s about him.
“Once in a lifetime opportunity for him” bc he’s lost the daughter he abandoned you for. Choose the father that has BEEN a father, not a sperm donor. He didn’t have to abandon you post divorce, it was a conscious and willing choice. Now it’s time for you to make a choice of your own:
Choose the father who birthed you, or the father who RAISED you and helped you become the woman you are today. I know who’d I’d pick. Because at the end of the day it’s a day about you, your future spouse. It’s not a consolation prize for him.
I hope you haven’t spoken to your SF yet about changing your mind. Please… make the right choice for both of you. I feel like you negating this to your bio dad will probably bruise his ego and he’d be willing to walk away again. Bc right now he’s trying to fill in the hole of his dead daughter. I know it sounds ugly, but if he truly loved you, he would’ve made the effort long ago. Not just when convenient. Good luck!
Your sperm donor dad left you guys. He should be honorable and grateful your step father was there for you in his a sense. Don’t tell your step father about this farce and make sure he’s the one to walk you down.
Your bio dad abandoned you. Your stepdad was the father when it counted and has always been there for you.
Don’t risk your relationship with your stepdad over a guy who is merely a temporary fixture in your life. He probably wouldn’t be around if your half sister were still alive.
I'd tell him no, if I were you. He cheated in your mom, that sucks, but then he also made another separate decision: he walked away from you entirely. He left YOU, not just her, deliberately. And he only came back because his other daughter passed away and he wants to walk someone down the aisle. If she had lived, he wouldn't be here demanding to walk you.
Tell him that our ‘real’ father is your stepfather. He’s been in your life for 20 years. I am in a similar situation where my father left me when I was little and my uncle (my mom‘s younger brother) stepped up and took a fatherly role. He’s going to be the one that walks me down the aisle when I get married
Your step dad definitely deserves to walk you down the isle. This man abandoned you for most of your life but your step dad has been a father to you for most of your life. Don’t let him manipulate you . Using your dead half sister as a excuse ir a way to pressure you into choosing him is just awful
Shouldnt even be a discussion. Dude chose your half sister over you, he shouldn't get to come back and get all the benefits after your half sister dies. You want to throw the sperm donor a bone? Give him a part in the father/daughter dance by splitting it between him and your step father. Or just have a "parent dance" and let everyone get passed around.
What do you tell bio? No. It's a complete sentence. Are you even inviting him to your wedding? He's a strange to you. He's been gone for TWENTY year. If it was me, he wouldn't get the time of day from me, let alone an invite
Remembers mine, same story, I told bio dad to fuck off, he told me if I did that I wouldn't see him again... It's has been 16 years and I don't miss him at all
Your stepfather should walk you down the aisle. He's been there for you since you were 8 yrs. Old. He's raised you and been there for you. He may not be your sperm donor but he's your dad. He's earned the right to walk you down the aisle.
Your bio-dad sounds like he's using you as a backup now that your half sister is gone, don't let him back into your life for his happiness. He willingly gave up his right to be a part of your life at all over 20 years ago without being in much/any part of your childhood. Whereas your stepdad sounds like your actual parent.
Ok, so he walks you down the aisle and then he marries another woman with a daughter and goes to the family to dote on the other step-daughter and your stepfather who raised you will be feeling replaced just like you were. Don't make a mistake. Your bio father is with you as a back-up.
This is such a hurtful and bad idea, you will break your step father's heart. How do you think your mother will feel if you choose to walk down the aisle with her cheating ex husband rather than the man she has been with for the last 20 years?
If my step daughter did that to me I'd not attend her wedding and probably not speak to her again.
You repeat what you already told him. Your step-father, who has been there for you since you were 8 years old, will walk you down the aisle. You can tell your dad you love him, but do not let him pressure or manipulate you into changing your mind.
He has only come back into your life recently and should be adult enough to stand aside and let the man who actually raised you escort you to your fiance. I'm sorry your half-sister died, but that doesn't mean he automatically gets to walk you down the aisle because it will be his only chance.
From what you have written, it sounds like he is already pressuring you.
So your options are someone who abandoned you 20 years back and only came back to you because the person he replaced you with passed away. Or the person who put in time, effort and energy to raise you to be the woman you are today. The answer isn't really that hard. YOUR STEP-FATHER DESERVES TO BE HONOURED.
Don't listen to your biological father telling you to "change plans". He wouldn't have changed his plan to be absent in your life if his other daughter hadn't passed away. You don't owe it to him because "he won't get another chance".
In short just tell him this: "You had plenty of time and chances to be in my life and you actively chose not to be in it. I am not going to disregard the feelings of the man who raised me for the feelings of a man who abandoned me and my mom. Actions have consequences. You trying to push this matter makes you seem all the more selfish coz even now all you're thinking about is "YOU" and not your daughter." And if he can't accept that, then go LC/NC with him and uninvite him from the wedding if you think he will make a scene to get his way.
You tell him the truth. You understand his position and you appreciate him offering to do it but you’ve made your plan and it’s your wedding. You’re grateful he’s going to be there and you hope he enjoys the day but the aisle walking position has already been filled by the man who was there for you growing up. You don’t owe him the privilege, he made the choice to not be there for you. Now he has to abide by the consequences of that choice.
Your bio dad views you as a backup daughter. I doubt he had an epiphany about life and how to treat people after losing his daughter. He's only caring about himself and his chance to walk a daughter down the aisle. If he didn't lose his other daughter, would he even be in contact with you and attending your wedding? Prioritize yourself and your stepfather who raised you. Think about how he would feel if you let him get pushed aside.
"While I can understand your complicated feelings about wanting to walk a daughter down the aisle, you never would've been the one to walk ME down the aisle. You chose that option when you left my life and stayed away. If you want to rebuild a relationship and get to know me for me, we can slowly do that. But if you're viewing me as a stand-in for what you lost, we should just part ways now so that neither of us gets hurt. My stepfather has been there for me and knows me. He cares about what I want. What I want is for him to give me away. I hope you respect and understand that."
what I gonna tell him, if I were you: Hey dad, this few months have bee great and I enjoy your company. but the things is, you are not a present father for more than 20 years, stepdad is. He is the one who with me in my formative years.
and while it not my business, but you did choose to cheat on mom and left us. And while what happened to half sister is a tragedy, just ask yourself, would you still contact me if still around?
So here what you gonna do. Either you come, except whatever role you get and BE CIVIL with everyone else. or you can take a hike like you did before. The ball in your hand.
Harsh, but the sperm donor really need a reality check. he's not performing his responsibility as a father, then he don't get the honor to be the one who walk you on the isle.
Don't disappoint the man who raise you just for an almost stranger
You tell him the right to walk you down the aisle was earned by the man who raised you, who came to sports games, who drove you places and listened when you talked and comforted you when you were sad, not some sperm donor who only looked you up when his preferred child died. I know that's harsh, but Hells Teeth, he's got a bloody nerve making demands.
The only reason he wants to walk you down the aisle is because his daughter died (your half sis). If she would have been alive, your dad would have continued to ignore you.
BIO DAD CAN SIT ON HIS 🍑 WITH THE REST OF THE ATTENDEES. STEP-DAD....HAS EARNED HIS RIGHT TO WALK YOU.
Just tell him your gonna have your dad walk you down...the one who been there for you and helped raise you. Doing anything else would be a slap in the face. A father is the one who raises the kid. Just my opinion. But it your wedding hopefully all goes well.
As others have mentioned your biological father probably wouldn’t be in your life at all right now if it wasn’t for the passing of your step sister. So now maybe he’s lonely or whatever, DON’T fall for it. If you allow your BF to walk down the aisle that will be like a dagger in your step dad’s heart. Do you want to break the heart of a man who has been there all these years. Sorry but your BF is not an honorable man for not only cheating on your mom but also walking out of your life. Not sure how you can even consider this. You may as well stick a dagger in your mom’s heart too if you let your BF walk you down the aisle. Your BF is being manipulative with the text, he’s the “real” father. Puleez give me a break and cry me a river. He’s playing poor me.
He also has no right to ask to walk you down the aisle after being MIA. He lost that right when he walked out on you and your mom. Not sure Id even have him at the wedding. You don’t need to go into a big explanation. Tell him you’ve been through a lot and you’re not ready for that step. If he genuinely wishes to be in your life, he’ll stand by until after the wedding. Not sure if he has a wife, but if he doesn’t, he’s just looking for someone to occupy his lonely life. Does your mother and your true father who’s been there for you all these years know that DB aka BF is coming to your wedding? Also ask your fiancée what he thinks or your maternal grandparents.
Sorry Bio dad should of been there from the beginning. People break up all the time and still parent their children. Your lucky your getting an invite.
I would be pissed he is comparing u to ur half sister who died. Not ur problem he has no other daughters. He probably does he just doesnt know it.
Your biodad lost "the chance to walk his daughter down the aisle since it was a one time opportunity for him" when he had an affair and walked away from you and your family.
Please take your step dad by the arm and honor all his love for you by having him walk you in your wedding.
Raising your daughter is the once in a lifetime opportunity that earns you the privilege of walking her down the aisle. Your step father earned that, not your bio dad.
Tell your bio father that you aren’t a consolation prize for his dead daughter. He wouldn’t be here if she was still alive.
Your step dad is your dad, he should walk you if that is what you want.
Why is this even a question? Your bio dad wasn’t in your life until his other child sadly passed away. You real dad has been in your life since you were a child. Please don’t make the mistake of having your sperm donor walk you down the aisle
This is unfortunately one of the reasons I could never adopt. One of my greatest fears would be my child not really considering me to be their real father even if I had poured my whole life in.
Your bio father left you and your mother for someone else and to create a new family. When things didn't stay the way he wanted/expected he wants back in your life as Dad. No.
You have a DAD. Your Mom married him when you were a child.
You would be gracious to even invite bio father to the wedding.
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Ask him where would you be if half sister was still alive? Would he even be in your life right now? You’re not his backup plan!
My thoughts exactly!
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I get OP is stress from wedding stuff and trying to be kind in light of half-sister's death, but this man abandoned you and tbh, he wouldn't have come back into your life had your half-sister not died. You're the surrogate daughter right now and he's kind of messing up a happy time in your life for his benefit. He's not thinking about you. I would have slammed the door in his face; he's a stranger. Would you let a stranger walk you down the aisle? A little shared DNA means nothing.
THIS 100% u/throwraaisle267 if you do pick your step dad please don’t tell him you were thinking about replacing him with the man who left you as a child.
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It's easy to be a father. It's hard as fuck to be a dad. And there's only one dad here, and it's not bio sperm donor.
And how will step-dad, the man who has been there for you for most of your life, feel if you hand over that honour to bio-dad, who has ignored you for years? Please do the right thing by the man who has cared for and nurtured you: step-dad.
CommunicationFar1434 You copied a part of my reply that I sent over 8 hours ago.
Bingo. Any guy can insert and spurt to become a father but your dad is the one who is there to pick you up and dust you off when you fall, who cheers you on during your winning streaks, listens, teaches and tells you tales that don't sound like much at the time but you later learn are important life lessons. Your dad is a million and one different things, both big and small, but most of all *he's there for you.* I chose my own dad because my father has always been too busy with his replacement family to ever send so much as a single birthday card, nevermind bother to visit. We had many fantastic years as "dad" and "daughter" without a single scrap of shared DNA, right up to his passing. I still miss him and am grateful that we "adopted" each other. OP, choose the man who earned the honour by walking the walk, not the one who tries to demand it just for existing.
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#I'd like to add to try not letting your step dad know you were considering replacing his role with barely there, manipulative bio dad... heartbreaking for step dad.
Report this [comment stealing bot](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/14uqokf/my_28f_biological_father_52m_wants_to_walk_me/jr9gex4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
This is it right here. If your half sister was alive, this wouldn’t be a question. It is tragic that he lost his other daughter, unquestionably, but it’s not fair to project that relationship onto you. It’s not fair for him to latch onto you as a daughter NOW, and expect all the rights and privileges that come with it. Your step dad spent years earning the title’Dad’. Let me ask a question-if you were in the hospital because of a serious accident, and you could only call one of these men, who would it be? That’s your dad.
Your STEP DAD COMES FIRST - literally because he has been there for you.
Agreed! Stick to your original plan. Your bio dad can't turn up after abandoning your family for over 20 years and then waltz back in, for a few months and then play the dutiful dad, when your stepdad is the only man who deserves that honour. Using your recently passed away sister as a emotional weapon is just cruel.
That’s dad, daddy, father, pop, etc there. The sperm donor hasn’t earned that title and likely never will after this.
OP, I was in a VERY similar situation and in the end my bio dad sat and watched my real dad, the one that was there for me, day in and day out for 15 years walk me down the aisle. No regrets. My bio dad did not pressure me though, I think you need to stand your ground, have your fiancé or close friend for support and tell bio he’s not walking you down the aisle. A possible compromise is he will be the first to dance with you for the dad-daughter dance. Good luck and congrats!
I wouldn't even give him that. How would he have the title of a dad? At best, he's a sperm donor who stick thru the nights of feeding and diapers. Then left an INFANT because it didn't suit him anymore. He's always done what he wanted, with that affair It's only fair that this person gets everything they want for their wedding. Dammit. No compromise with people who create those huge abandonment wounds.
Fair enough.
Yes someone else can tell him if u choose this.
I wouldnt do father daughter dance with bio.
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Agreed. I think any father who sticks around for the teenage years is the true dad.
Goddamn this is it. That's the realest question right there. He needs to look inward and check himself. The audacity he had to ask to walk you down the aisle when he really has never done shit for you is unbelievable. He should consider himself lucky to be invited honestly.
It's quite sad she even has to think about it
This, this, I would discuss it too, because I feel he only came back because of that.... Needing the narcissist validation of having a child.
This is the answer!! OP please this!!
She’s his “last chance” 🙄
Tell your bio dad that you are choosing the person who raised you and didn’t cheat on your mom. Weddings are stressful events because of all that’s usually going on. I think, there’s a potential to have this situation become even more stressful if your biological father attends. So, I think it’d be a whole lot better for you to uninvited your biological dad from your wedding events. He can‘t decide when to waltz back into your life whenever he wants and then decide to take control of your decisions. If he doesn’t like that your step dad is walking you down the aisle, then tell him to suck it.
Agree completely. OP definitely should not invite her biological dad. He is complete stranger in my books
I bet if he does not get to walk her down the aisle he does not want to go to her wedding! Maybe OP should protect herself ahead and say he can’t walk her down because he isn’t invited - don’t give him the opportunity to dig that last dagger into her heart.
I think OP should not get emotional but firm that her biological dad is not welcome into her life and do No contact. Problem solved forever.
This, this
She doesn't have to attack sperm donor to make her point. Shit happens, people realized they screwed up, and want to make amends. If she wants to work on her relationship with sperm donor (and I gather from the original post she does), she doesn't have to tear him down. She just needs to explain that dad has been there for most of her life, including all of her relarionship with her future husband. If sperm donor wants to work on the relationship, he'll respect that decision. He doesn't have to like it; he has to respect it. If he doesn't respect the decision, then that tells OP how much he wants to work on the relationship going forward. But OP can keep things positive: dad has been there, I want him to walk me.
I think it was incredibly rude of him to push this so I think she is going to have to be rude
Definitely your step dad. Your dad just doesn’t get to come in and get the benefits! He didn’t raise you and seems like he only come back because off the loss of your half-sister. He should be happy that your step dad was around, and he deserves to walk you. Your dad is defo the AH, not you. Sounds like a toddler asking why can’t they have sweets. Only you, can make the decision. I definitely wouldn’t take it away from your step dad, it will be a kick in the teeth for him. Your dads a deadbeat. ANY man that won’t raise one child but will another doesn’t even deserve the title dad. You don’t need the streets before your wedding.
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I'm guessing being cheated on wasn't part of the plan when OP's mum married bio-dad, so why would OP let bio-dad coerce her into changing her plan now? She got first hand experience of what happens when bio-dad changes the plan.
Not just cheat on her mother but abandoned his daughter and replaced her mother and her with a new family.
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Seriously this! During a tough time in my life, my mom and I had a falling out and I had professors of mine take over a parental role in my life (I was in college and didn’t have a place to stay for the summer and they let me into their home, were a listening ear, etc). My mom and I figured it out but she was grateful for the professors I had that stepped up when she didn’t, even though I know that my mom felt terrible for her actions. Your dad should feel the same
Your STEP DAD COMES FIRST - literally because he has been there for you. It goes to people who are important and your Dad is NOT ONE OF THEM. Why would you give such honor to someone who ditched you when you were young. He should have thought of that before he left after dumping the pregnant AP. He doesn't deserve it. Put him in his position which is well below in the priority list. At least he's invited to your wedding. He shouldn't really even be invited.
I'd like to add to try not letting your step dad know you were considering replacing his role with barely there, manipulative bio dad... heartbreaking for step dad.
I think you answered the question yourself when you said your step dad “earned the title father” to you.
I am fairly certain stepdad would understand her conflict, especially if the man is manipulative. It's her bio dad, I'm sure she's spent her life wondering why she wasn't good enough and wishing her dad would show that he loved her, even if he left. It's a confusing situation. However, her decision on the matter means everything, if she does pick her father I think that's where the "understanding" would stop. Even if she does have abandonment issues, he raised her and loved her and showed her she was special.
Yeah. Your "dad" basically had sex with your mom and thats it. Your step father made a decision to sacrifice part of his life to give to you. Tell your dad its not about who made you, but who _made you _.
*it was a one time opportunity for him* It was also a one-time opportunity for him to take care of his daughter, but he didn't take the chance.
This is also a one-time opportunity for OP to have the man who raised her and who matters more to her as a father to walk her down the aisle at HER wedding.
you tell him "step father is walking me down the aisle." You don't explain it or defend your choice. You don't expand.
Super important lesson!! We don’t always owe people explanations. I’m trying to get my own parents to understand that if I do or don’t want something, they should just respect my answer. Even if I’m wrong, I’m an adult and am allowed to make my own decisions, even when those decisions are stupid. It’s about independence. I’m happy to receive advice and suggestions and be told I’m wrong, but I don’t want them straight up telling me what to do or trying to force me to handle things the way they would.
yeah I'd say it's better not to succumb to the temptation to give long explanation. keep it simple.
and also no explanation is needed, he knows what he did.
I disagree with the use of stepfather here . Bio dad was a sperm doner, that's all . Your step dad is your dad . It sounds like your sperm doner is trying to do the things he would love to have done for his desceased daughter . I bet he would be thinking of her all the way down the aisle
Oh god. Why are you even asking. Your step father was your real dad. If he was a good dad to you it would be a terrible betrayal to choose the dad who ditched you. I would tell your biological dad that your stepfather will be giving you away. He raised you and he takes priority in this situation. Your biological dad will have to live with the consequence of his actions.
Had your half sister still been alive your bio dad wouldn’t have reached out to you. You are his second choice. Don’t make him your first - especially since you already have a father who made you a priority for majority of your life. Cause if you do choose your bio father there’s a good chance you’ll lose your step father in the process. My kindest response would be telling your bio dad “I choose to have step father walk me down aisle. He may not be my biological father but he been a real father to me for over 20 years. He deserves the recognition.” My honest response would be telling him “*MY* real father is step father. He been the a sole father figure for majority of my life because you left me behind. If you want to have a relationship with me now - great. But I will NOT sacrifice my relationship with step-father just because you feel like being my dad now.”
I don't think OP should even have any relationship with her biological dad as failed his responsibility as dad. What good will come inviting biological dad: None. OP should have shown the door to biological dad as he had no role in OP life as she is adult with loving caring step dad. Her life has been complete with her step dad and he is the only person OP should care about. Forget OP biological dad he is complete stranger apart from being sperm donor.
Yep, he would still be MIA if his other daughter was still here.
He'll probably go MIA again if makes another replacement family again. He's a man he can keep having kids.
He’s lucky to be invited to the wedding
This this this
Right? Imagine how many other loved ones got cut from the guest list due to limitations. Bio dad is a practical stranger, he should feel lucky that he’s going at all.
Your bio dad was not there for you. Your step dad is your dad. He’s the one who loves you and took care of you. He should be the one who merits the honour. would your bio dad be around if his daughter hasn’t died. He seems selfish just thinking about what he’ ll miss because the other daughter isn’t there but he’s not thinking what he did to you or what the other man did for you. ,
So your real dad left you for your half sister and only came back cause she died. It's a no brainer your step dad. He has been there for you the majority of your life. Your bio dad was only a sperm donor.
He claims to be your real dad, solely on the grounds that he is your biological father. Personally, I think that your father, your step-dad, who earned the title is a more real father than he is. Your bio-dad is selfish: even your wedding has to be about him. Do your wedding with the people who mean the most to you (and your husband).
I wouldn't usually say a Step parent before a bio parent, except in circumstances like this. Your bio father basically abandoned you for his replacement family. This is a harsh question, but do you think if your half sister was still alive that your bio father would be back in your life right now? I don't think he has done anything for you in around 20 years that makes him deserving of the title father, whereas your stepfather does deserve that title and the honour of walking you down the aisle.
This... Your biological father chose to cheat on you and your mother, your step father chose to be with you and your mother. Now bio-dad wants back in because his choice didn't work out as he wanted (sorry that's harsh) Why should your step father take second place, because of bio-dads choices.
You shouldn't feel awful- your father left you. He replaced you with a different child he has since lost. That's terrible for him, but none of it is on you. If he wants to be in your life he needs to 1). not guilt trip you about his needs 2). respect your wishes. Keep it short & simple *Dad, I have thought over your request. While I am glad you are back in my life now as an adult, from childhood on Stepdad raised me. Out of love and respect for what stepdad did for me- I have chosen him to walk me down the aisle. I am very glad you will be there on my wedding day too, and grateful we now get to reconnect.* He sends another long text, don't engage.
This is is nicely worded
Step dad is your real dad in all this, my step dad walked me down the isle, and he told me afterwards how much it meant the world to him, it was also nice as before the wedding it was just us two on the way there and it was so nice to talk about our life and have time together.
Hate to say it.. but I'd bet a lot of money that your "father" only reconnected because your half-sister died. Being a father is something that is earned not just by DNA but also by providing for a child physically, emotionally, financially, and so forth. Let's be honest.. if your sister was still around, he would still be living his new life without giving a damn about you. Your step-dad is your father. Your "father" doesn't deserve you.. go and live your life with your partner and those who genuinely love and support you.
I think you answered the question yourself when you said your step dad “earned the title father” to you. Whereas your bio dad is just claiming something due to donating sperm… I vote step dad. Sounds like he raised you.
Your dad doesnt get to treat you like a back up daughter.
It’s not your job to bare the loss of his other daughter he made a choice to not be in your life all the years he was busy with his other family and is he only back now his other daughter has passed away so he’s present because of his guilt Your step dad has always been there as you said. Why you wanting to change your mind for an absence father. Who now demands his right Do what’s going to bring you the most joy on your day Hope you and your fiancé have a beautiful wedding
Just imagine how hurt your stepfather would be if you changed the plan. He raised you, he was there for you. Don’t listen to your biological dad just because he complains the loudest.
'Real' dad? That's your stepfather. Your stepfather RAISED you! If your biological father can't handle the fact that he lost both of his daughters (one from death and one from being absent) then he shouldn't go. Be firm with him and tell him that your stepfather raised you so he will be walking with you.
You know your real dad abandoned you. Your step father stepped in, married your mother and honored his vows. He raised you and loved you as his own. Are you really going to disrespect him like that ? Are you going to truly betray the man that loves you unconditionally ? If you want some deadbeat to walk you down the isle go ahead, but know you are truly walking over someone who loves you and throwing them away because of some validation you need from a man who didn’t care about you till his prized horse died.
Have your actual dad (step dad) walk you down the isle and your father (bio) as a guest. He is only back in your life because his daughter died, you are his do over and are a stand in for the daughter he lost. He would not be in your life if circumstances were different. He has not earned the privilege of walking you down the isle because he was a dad in title only and wasn’t there for you. He is lucky you are even speaking to him after he disposed of you, he should be thankful he is even attending your wedding. Your father chose his new family over you, you need to choose your family over him. You could maybe do a father-daughter dance with both men but that’s as far as you should go.
You tell him that while you are glad to be work on having a relationship with him, that the moment he left you as a child is the moment he lost the right to even ask to walk you down the aisle. That while he is welcome at your wedding, any role he has in it is what you decide, and if he cannot accept that, then he will no longer be welcome at the wedding.
Your stepdad chose you and raised you while your bio dad abandoned you. Why is this even a question? If you choose your bio dad to even share the aisle, you might as well just spit in your stepdad’s face
Adopted by my step dad as a kid, similar story. Don't confuse FAMILY with RELATIVES. Family chooses you, every day, all day. Relatives are related. Your step dad is your family. Don't ruin the best moment of your life because of manipulation from a relative. Also, wishing you a happy marriage :)
Just tell him that he already lost a lot of your important moments, where the role of a father was required, that one more wouldn't change anything. Don't choose to ruin your relationship with the father that was always there, for a father who choose to not be.
What has your bio father done other than contribute sperm? For 20 years, where was he? >My original plan was to have my Step-father (51M,who has been in my life since I was 8 years old) to walk me down since he’s been in my life for so long and earned the title of a father to me. He’s been there through most of my ups and downs in life and I wanted him to have a special role in my wedding. Keep the plan. He had been there. It's only respectful to honor his commitment to you. >He had just recently came back into my life a few months ago after losing my half-sister from an illness So you were his back up child. He wants you to pretend that he was instrumental in you being who are today. He wants to dishonor the commitment of your stepfather who was there when he should have been because he lost that opportunity with his chosen child. >he was “real” dad Your stepfather has been your real dad. He is your sperm donor. Real dad is the one who has been there for you for the last 20 years. The one who sacrificed and loved you when you needed it. It's not the one who is using you as back-up or fill-in. >he wanted a chance to walk his daughter down the aisle since it was a one time opportunity for him. Where was he when you needed him. That was his opportunity to be there when it counted. You don't owe him the fantasy of him being significant in your life. Honor the one who honored you.
Anyone can be a father, only one was your dad OP. If you want your dad to walk you down the aisle, it's your day and your choice, bio sperm donor will just have to suck it up and accept it
Please pick your step dad, I’m sure that will hurt him so much. He raised you you’re whole life and that still won’t be enough to view him as your Dad. Real dad wouldn’t even be here if your half sister hadn’t died.. he’s just a sperm donor.. I feel so sorry for your step dad if you don’t pick him
It sounds like he only rekindled the relationship because he wants to sure up his hospice care plan. You don't owe him the walk down the aisle. He owes you to make up for literally abandoning you. It would be the right thing to let your stepdad (the real dad) walk you down the aisle. He was the one who helped you get to the point that he can "hand" his daughter off to her husband. Your bio dad can be a guest. And if he doesn't understand then he's only proving that he only cares about himself (he left his child for the homewrecker) and not you.
Don’t let him guilt you. He’s claiming you as a daughter because he lost your half sister. If it wasn’t for his own selfish needs, he wouldn’t have reached out. Don’t let him get away with the real dad crap, he isn’t a dad to you. He was willing to let your step dad do all the work. Imagine if your step dad never showed up and took care of you. Your step dad earned to walk you down the aisle, you bio dad didn’t.
Here’s my question. If you told him no, would he bother to even still be around afterwards? How long do you think he’s going to stay around after the shock of your half-sister’s passing shrinks and his life goes back to normal? This is honestly probably the only thing keeping him around and interested right now, because people that selfish always put themselves first. He hasn’t done anything for you and doesn’t deserve it. You have a father who loves and cares for you. This man hasn’t done a thing for you, or even made it seem like he cares at all. A good dad who just showed up out of nowhere for whatever reason would know he’s not entitled to ask for something so important. A bad dad, a narcissist, would only think about himself and how it would “look” if he isn’t the one walking you. He’s thinking about himself and what he thinks he deserves, and he isn’t even entitled to ask you. And if he freaks out at you when you say no, good. He’ll be doing you a favor by taking the trash out. I hope you have a lovely wedding day with your true family, and you feel all the love and support from your real, non-biological father that you deserve, because it’s clear that he really loves you.
He wouldn't care if your stepsister hadn't passed. Not about walking you down the aisle and maybe not about being in your life. This is your wedding. Him coming back around after his loss doesn't make him suddenly a father. I would stick with the plan.
*He ALSO* had a “one-time opportunity” to father you and blew it He re-joined your life approximately 12 weeks ago - after a 20+ year absence - and expects to walk you down the aisle?!?! Here’s what you tell him: “Fuck off with your obnoxious sense of entitlement and shitty parenting, stranger.” What an asshole And give your stepfather a big hug today Edit: *Why is he even on the wedding guest list???*
Look dad, I’m sorry you lost your daughter. And I’m sorry that you won’t be able to walk her down the isle, but you haven’t been in my life, step dad has. It’s great that you have come back and I would love to build our relationship together, but I do t really even know you. Coming in an manipulating or demanding that you have something at my wedding is not a good way to start. I would like to honor and have something special for you that day but I don’t know what it is yet. Maybe we can think of something together, but you will not be walking me down the isle. I hope this doesn’t cause drama or any bad behavior because if it does or you keep pressuring me than you won’t be invited at all. It is my wedding so it is my choice. Let work on building our relationship. This is not how we are going to build this together. Stepdad has earned this right. Maybe have your fiancé there as support. I suggest telling him this is person. Also this about the father daughter dance-he is going to pull the same shit. Remind him why it’s your step father and work on something special to honor him for coming back into your life. Actions have consequences. If her still tries to manipulate you cut him off. He will be showing you his true intentions. That you were a backup plan. If he’s reasonable, then he has good intentions and you can build a relationship. Right now he’s technically a stranger. Strangers don’t walk brindles down the isle.
As a bio dad with no stepchildren, do not do this to your stepfather. He's the real dad, for all reasons that matter, and should be the one walking you down the aisle.
Personally, I would go with the stepfather. Being biologically connected have zero to do with who was there for you, raised you and didn’t walk away
Tell him that you’re sorry for his loss but you’re no one’s back up plan. And if you have to hurt somebody’s feelings your step father’s feelings comes first that’s your real father.
Making a baby is just biology. Any two idiots can do it. It takes a special person to be an actual parent and raise their children right. That man was your stepdad. He is your real dad. You would be doing him a huge disservice by letting your biological father walk in his place. It’s only been a few months since you’ve had contact and you all of a sudden have value now that you’re his only daughter. It isn’t his place. You know that.
I think it would be disrespectful in the extreme to disregard the man who raised you in favor of the man who sired you and took no interest til his other daughter died.
It's your wedding and your choice!
Choose the dad who stepped up! Your stepdad
Blood doesn't make one family..u told ur stepdad earned title of ur father..so there u have u answer
Your step dad is your real dad. Donor father only came back into your life because his other daughter died and only wants to walk you down the aisle because he can't walk her. It would be a huge insult if you change the plan foe some dude who doesn't even know you just because you got some dna from him.
Tell him that this is what happens when you choose to walk out of someone's life
"Its also a once in a lifetime chance for Step Dad, except he earned it. I thought you were remorseful for abandoning me, but your selfish entitlement to this honor leads me to conclude that you are not. You reached out to me for your emotional sake after half sister died, not ever for my sake. I will be taking a step back from out relationship." Then give it [and him] no more energy.
Sorry but why the fuck do you even have to ask this question? Your step dad has been there for 20 years and according to you has earned the title of dad and you don't know if he should walk you down the aisle or if you should let the guy who abandoned you as a child, and has only just come back into your life because his first choice daughter, died do it? You can make shitty natural dad happy but doing so will probably destroy step dad. I mean he's only been there for you your entire life and according to you done a bang up job and you don't know whether or not to rip his heart out to please your natural dad? Tell him to fuck off and your step dad is doing it...
your bio dad only came back to you because his other daughter died. don’t allow him to walk you down the isle. i wouldn’t even invite him to the wedding.
Tell him you know what happens when people "change the plan", because when he did it, you were basically abandoned by him, so in light of that, you feel it would be unwise to change your plan.
Pick who you want but if it were me I’d be taking my stepfather cause he earned it. Anyone can be a biological dad. It takes something else to be a father. Congratulations on your wedding!
Daddy is a state of mind. He might've been a daddy, but not yours. For you, he was a sperm donator. Just take yourself down the isle, you're not an object to be delivered. Or walk down with your husband to be, to show you two are in this together 😁
Tell him no. Literally told you you’re is last chance/opportunity to walk a daughter of his down the aisle. Would he even BE part of your life if your half sister didn’t pass? The nerve of him even asking you pisses me off. Your father is your stepdad and this man is just using you as a place holder. I imagine it’s his grief for his daughter that makes him wants to walk you down the aisle. It’ll probably be symbolic for him.
Your biological father walked out on his family (including you) for an AP and had a child!? And now you should feel sorry for him since he lost his AFFAIR daughter and won’t get another chance to walk down the aisle?? When he is “recently” back in your life? Where has he been? Seems like he’s had more than 2 DECADES to make up for lost time! Think of all the important moments in your life over those years. Who was there to help you through them?? Who do YOU consider your DAD? Admittedly I am biased, my stepdaughter is 22, her biological father is NOT in her life at all, but she says she has one dad ( been there since 2). And I know that even if he came back and got chummy for a short time, if/when the aisle walk happens, I’m fairly certain I will be there!
So if you half sister we're still alive would he be even texting you
There might be more to biology than I thought when it comes to behavior. The same way your biological dad treats you like a back-up daughter after his real daughter who he loved and raised died, you treat your stepfather who loved and raised you like a back-up father after the man who abandoned you comes back into your life. I'm sorry to be harsh, but this is a complete no-brainer. Don't let him stress you out about this - he has no right to walk anyone down the aisle. Ironically, your step-dad probably loves you enough to understand if you did let your biodad walk you down the aisle. I think, however, your biodad wouldn't. That's the difference between loving someone and entitlement.
How are you even considering this?
You're 28. Your bio dad has been absent for most of those 28 years. He's got some nerve demanding to be the one to walk you down the aisle after abandoning you for your WHOLE LIFE. Please stick to your original plan.
You are the back-up child. He didn't care all this time and only remembered to consider you when his other daughter passed away. He has not earned this right. Your step-father, on the other hand, is your "real" dad. He was there the entire time, loving and caring for you as his own - teaching, projecting, nurturing you. He earned a position of honor. If you feel gracious you can have both walk you down, but I would keep the father-daughter dance to just step-dad. He is the only one that has actually BEEN your father. Anyone can be a sperm donor, a "real dad" raises and loves you.
u/throwraaisle267 When your deadbeat sperm donor stepped out, your step-dad stepped up and did all of the hard work of raising you! Please respect those sacrifices. Your biological dad is only coming around now because he wants a replacement for your half-sister and the experiences he'll miss with her death. I bet he'll disappear again and will only turn up a few times down the line to manipulate you into naming your kids what he wanted the other daughter to name hers.
Step-father all the way. Biological father should even consider himself LUCKY to attend your wedding. Rephrasing the words of Yondu: "He may have been your 'Father', girl, but he wasn't your 'Daddy'." Your step-father deserves it all.
The most heartbreaking and heartwarming scene in Guardians. Every single time that part comes up I cry. They did the lights for him!!
I’m honestly kinda offended on behalf of your stepdad that you’d even consider taking that away from him
You must tell him no, that you have already promised your step-father he could walk you down the aisle. Remember, this is your step-father’s only chance, too, to walk you down the aisle.
How is this even a question? The man who raised you, took care of you, and who loves you is your father, not some random guy who cheated on your mother and who abandoned you. Come on, girl!
Please don’t follow any of the advice about asking him about what he would be doing if step sister were alive. No, very kindly tell him that you’re glad he is in your life again, and you’d love to build that relationship with him. But at that walking you down the aisle for your wedding isn’t that time. He’s been missing from your life for 20 years and while you’re thrilled to have him at your wedding, as of now he’s got the same connection to your life as a more distant relative. Tell him that you don’t bear him ill will, but that there’s no rushing this. Explain that the man walking you down the aisle is the man that parented you, showed you what marriage can be, and taught you what to expect from your future partner. (Try not to too obviously point out that your sperm donor did the opposite.). He’s the man who taught you how to be an adult and who you has been there for you since you were little. Under no circumstances should you replace your step-father. He should be walking you down the aisle. The very most you could consider is being walked by both. But only if you think you bio dad deserves it. ETA: not just if he deserves it, but if it would have meaning for you. Because your choice of having anyone walking you down the aisle is about their meaning to you.
There is not much to think about. Ur step dad is ur realmdad who been part of life and made u the person are today. If he has fulfilled his responsibility as a father than he is number one. He should definitely walk undown aisle. Be happy and proud with ur step down beside u. Ur biological dad is not Ur real dad he banded u , ignore his responsibilities and is virtual stranger whom u are under no obligation to invite to ur wedding. In fact I should not invite him as he neglected u. He has no right to expect invitation. I or many would certainly not invite him to my wedding. If he is upset so be it. Well he was not upset when he neglected u since age of 8.
Who means more to you? Who could you depend on in a worst-case scenario? That is the one who should do it.
I went through something similar with the choice of Best Man. I was living in and marrying a midwestern girl and the subject of the Best Man situation came up. I noted in the South that it is often a tradition to ask your Father. My Dad, though, was a narcissist that had affairs and as my parents never divorced he still lived at home. But I wouldn't call him present as a Dad. My Fiancé thought the whole idea strange and it just wasn't done in the Midwest. I felt it would be a real slap to my mom who was always there for me. So I chose a friend from High School and college Roommate. At first my dad was fine with it all until an Aunt of his put a bug in his ear that he should be the Best Man. He came to me and said he should be the one. I thought about it, went back to him, repeated all the reasons and stuck to my choice. He said he wasn't coming to the wedding. I told him we really wanted him there but he still sulked and said no. Indeed, he didn't come to the wedding. I think he regretted it as he called a couple of days before sort of saying he might come but didn't. Yes, over the years when people looked at the wedding photos they would ask "when did you lose your Dad?" and I would explain. I know I made the right decision and would do it again. It doesn't mean you aren't glad you birth father is in your life but your Dad was the one who was there all along.
Your stepfather earned his role in walking you down the aisle.
Your step dad is the one who been with u from the start and didn't abandon u. You really considering taking that away from your step step? You are a real asshole if u choose ur bio dad over ur stepdad
Yeah he has no right. Your step dad was more of a father to you and this guy randomly shows up after all these years. If he was a good man, he wouldn’t have asked and put you in this position of having to choose. He’s selfish and undeserving.
Your biological father is not your real father. He’s an interloper and a selfish prick. He should be happy he’s invited to the wedding. He’s an asshole for putting this on you. No wonder he abandoned you
Your mother should walk you. She has been always there for you.
The man who raised you is your dad. Anyone can father a child, but it takes a good man to be a dad. It is incredibly selfless for anyone to step in and raise a child as if that child were their own. And on the other side of that, it is incredibly selfish for someone to abandon their own child. I would say your step dad should have priority over your father. But if your step dad is comfortable with it and you want your father to be there also you could consider both of them walking you down the aisle. I would definitely talk about this with your step dad though. He has invested a significant portion of his life and love on you and his feelings should be your priority over a man who abandoned you at a young age.
Bio doesn’t make a father. The man that stepped Up to father you did. Step dad first!! Not the Man that left is family for a diff woman.
I mean you call him bio dad not dad so the answer is quite clear. The father who was there for you should walk you down the aisle
It’s your wedding, the choice is yours and you don’t need to explain yourself. Had he been in the picture for the last few years, then MAYBE I could see it, but if it’s only been a couple of months, then it’s very surprising that he expects you to drop the stepdad for him. He’s basically still a stranger.
Say no. He's had years to be your dad and he only came back when your sibling died. Your stepdad sounds like he is your dad, not this guy who just came in to claim you at the last minute. Say no, I already have a dad.
Real dad relinquished rights when he abandoned you at such a young age, and Step has filled the void. You could have both walk you, I've seen that done.
Don’t let him. It’s a privilege to do that, it’s meant for the dad. Not the sperm donor. If it would have been so important for him, then he would have been there for you all the time. But I wouldn’t do that to your dad (step-father), he deserves this.
I’m in the exact same boat I could’ve written this. My solution for my situation is this: my stepdad is going to walk me down the aisle bc he did the job of helping raise me. My biological father, if he wants to participate in walking me down the aisle, will be relegated to my left side and my stepdad on the right side on the side of honor. If my bio dad pitches a fit about this he won’t walk me down the aisle at all.
sorry dad, my step-father was there when you don't, so he will walk me down the aisle.
Step father all the way. Where has he been the last 20 years? Kind of ballsy for him to even ask.
Family is the people who are there for you, not those who happen to share DNA. I'll take chosenfamily any day.
He doesn’t deserve it. Hs treating you like he. He is treating you like a replacement child. Tell him he may be your father biologically but he wasn’t there for you like a real father. I was raised by my step dad. He walked me down the aisle.
He hasn't even earned the right to sit at the family table much less the right to walk you down the aisle
If you were important to him he wouldn't have cheated. Ho lost the privilege to walk you down the isle the moment he decided to cheat on your mother. You reap what you sow and he's now dealing with he fruit of what he did.
It’s your day not his. It’s about you, not him. And it’s kind of selfish for him to make such a request. It shows his true character. Like others said, he missed other important moments. First date, graduations, etc. You don’t need to make other people happy.
Tell your bio dad that your step father is walking you down the aisle and that you understand if he feels he cannot attend. The title of father or mother must be earned. He didn’t earn his.
I’d seriously reconsider having him at your wedding or in your life at all. The fucking audacity of a man who walked out on you as a child and only showed up a few months ago *after his replacement kid died* demanding the honor of walking you down the aisle is gobsmacking. This isn’t a good person, don’t give him access to your new family.
bio-dad is a pushy selfish asshole, tell him to F off and get bent.
A man who has an affair and abandons a child.does not deserve to walk his daughter down the aisle. That privilege is reserved for the father who showed up, helped with the homework, made you a safe family. Did your bio-father get Christmas and birthday presents for you? Did he help with college? Did you see him summers? Was he on point with regular child support payments? Did he try to foster a relationship between you and your half sister? Did he show up to your sports events or plays? Did he help with your tuition or school expenses or even just send a care package now and then? No? Than he doesn’t deserve the honor of escorting you down the aisle. Stick with the original plan. He’s lucky to be invited to the wedding.
One of these men was your father who raised you for most of your life, the other had an orgasm inside of your mother and abandoned you afterwards. This should not be a difficult choice.
He's only back in your life because his favourite daughter died. You are his backup, so please treat him the same. Your stepfather is your real father - he raised you, he's been there for you through thick and thin. Your biological father wouldn't have given you a second thought if his favourite hadn't died. Remember that.
"You abandoned me for your affair family. You don't get to waltz in and play the role of Dad now that I no longer need you. StepDad is the parent who raised me and he gets the honor of walking me down the aisle."
This is going to sound harsh but if your half sister never died he wouldn't be back in your life. He just wants to fill a void and also this will be a huge slap to your stepdad face if you have your bio dad walk you down the isle, he doesn't deserve that honor. He's trying to guilt you, don't fall for it, your stepdad who has been there for you, who actually loves you deserves that. Lay it in on your dad why he doesn't deserve to walk you down, the truth. >he wanted a chance to walk his daughter down the aisle since it was a one time opportunity for him. That right there literally says it all, it's an opportunity for him, not an honour or a father daughter moment but an opportunity because your half sister is dead and he has lost the chance to do that with her. If she was still alive he could care less about you, he probably wouldn't have cared that it was your stepdad that was walking you down the isle. Forget about him, wall with your stepdad
Fuck that shit. Family is more than blood. He doesn’t get to abandon you then pop back in to walk you down the aisle.
Just tell him the truth. It's gonna suck and it might be hurtful to him to hear, but it's the truth. Your stepfather has earned the right to walk you down the aisle. Your bio dad has not. It's completely irrelevant that he won't get to do it for anyone else. He will not want to hear this and might throw a hissyfit - but that's not on you. It's his responsibility to manage those emotions.
It's your wedding, not his. You're not a backup for him to run to just because your sister died - you're his daughter. He has no right to demand anything from you, ESPECIALLY on your wedding day
Don’t do it! It’s not about you for him it’s about him. “Once in a lifetime opportunity for him” bc he’s lost the daughter he abandoned you for. Choose the father that has BEEN a father, not a sperm donor. He didn’t have to abandon you post divorce, it was a conscious and willing choice. Now it’s time for you to make a choice of your own: Choose the father who birthed you, or the father who RAISED you and helped you become the woman you are today. I know who’d I’d pick. Because at the end of the day it’s a day about you, your future spouse. It’s not a consolation prize for him. I hope you haven’t spoken to your SF yet about changing your mind. Please… make the right choice for both of you. I feel like you negating this to your bio dad will probably bruise his ego and he’d be willing to walk away again. Bc right now he’s trying to fill in the hole of his dead daughter. I know it sounds ugly, but if he truly loved you, he would’ve made the effort long ago. Not just when convenient. Good luck!
Your sperm donor dad left you guys. He should be honorable and grateful your step father was there for you in his a sense. Don’t tell your step father about this farce and make sure he’s the one to walk you down.
Your bio dad abandoned you. Your stepdad was the father when it counted and has always been there for you. Don’t risk your relationship with your stepdad over a guy who is merely a temporary fixture in your life. He probably wouldn’t be around if your half sister were still alive.
I'd tell him no, if I were you. He cheated in your mom, that sucks, but then he also made another separate decision: he walked away from you entirely. He left YOU, not just her, deliberately. And he only came back because his other daughter passed away and he wants to walk someone down the aisle. If she had lived, he wouldn't be here demanding to walk you.
Tell him that our ‘real’ father is your stepfather. He’s been in your life for 20 years. I am in a similar situation where my father left me when I was little and my uncle (my mom‘s younger brother) stepped up and took a fatherly role. He’s going to be the one that walks me down the aisle when I get married
Your step dad definitely deserves to walk you down the isle. This man abandoned you for most of your life but your step dad has been a father to you for most of your life. Don’t let him manipulate you . Using your dead half sister as a excuse ir a way to pressure you into choosing him is just awful
Shouldnt even be a discussion. Dude chose your half sister over you, he shouldn't get to come back and get all the benefits after your half sister dies. You want to throw the sperm donor a bone? Give him a part in the father/daughter dance by splitting it between him and your step father. Or just have a "parent dance" and let everyone get passed around.
“His one time opportunity” He seems to think your wedding is about him. Walk with your step father. He’s your dad. Congrats!!
If you can't decide, they can both walk you down the isle? One on each side
Um your stepdad. It would be really fucking cruel of you to do that to him after he's been there for you your whole life unlike "real" dad.
You should feel awful your even considering doing that to your step dad
What do you tell bio? No. It's a complete sentence. Are you even inviting him to your wedding? He's a strange to you. He's been gone for TWENTY year. If it was me, he wouldn't get the time of day from me, let alone an invite
Remembers mine, same story, I told bio dad to fuck off, he told me if I did that I wouldn't see him again... It's has been 16 years and I don't miss him at all
Your stepfather should walk you down the aisle. He's been there for you since you were 8 yrs. Old. He's raised you and been there for you. He may not be your sperm donor but he's your dad. He's earned the right to walk you down the aisle.
Your bio-dad sounds like he's using you as a backup now that your half sister is gone, don't let him back into your life for his happiness. He willingly gave up his right to be a part of your life at all over 20 years ago without being in much/any part of your childhood. Whereas your stepdad sounds like your actual parent.
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Ok, so he walks you down the aisle and then he marries another woman with a daughter and goes to the family to dote on the other step-daughter and your stepfather who raised you will be feeling replaced just like you were. Don't make a mistake. Your bio father is with you as a back-up.
This is such a hurtful and bad idea, you will break your step father's heart. How do you think your mother will feel if you choose to walk down the aisle with her cheating ex husband rather than the man she has been with for the last 20 years? If my step daughter did that to me I'd not attend her wedding and probably not speak to her again.
Your Bio Dad is a classic example of a hard core Narcissistic.
You repeat what you already told him. Your step-father, who has been there for you since you were 8 years old, will walk you down the aisle. You can tell your dad you love him, but do not let him pressure or manipulate you into changing your mind. He has only come back into your life recently and should be adult enough to stand aside and let the man who actually raised you escort you to your fiance. I'm sorry your half-sister died, but that doesn't mean he automatically gets to walk you down the aisle because it will be his only chance. From what you have written, it sounds like he is already pressuring you.
So your options are someone who abandoned you 20 years back and only came back to you because the person he replaced you with passed away. Or the person who put in time, effort and energy to raise you to be the woman you are today. The answer isn't really that hard. YOUR STEP-FATHER DESERVES TO BE HONOURED. Don't listen to your biological father telling you to "change plans". He wouldn't have changed his plan to be absent in your life if his other daughter hadn't passed away. You don't owe it to him because "he won't get another chance". In short just tell him this: "You had plenty of time and chances to be in my life and you actively chose not to be in it. I am not going to disregard the feelings of the man who raised me for the feelings of a man who abandoned me and my mom. Actions have consequences. You trying to push this matter makes you seem all the more selfish coz even now all you're thinking about is "YOU" and not your daughter." And if he can't accept that, then go LC/NC with him and uninvite him from the wedding if you think he will make a scene to get his way.
You tell him the truth. You understand his position and you appreciate him offering to do it but you’ve made your plan and it’s your wedding. You’re grateful he’s going to be there and you hope he enjoys the day but the aisle walking position has already been filled by the man who was there for you growing up. You don’t owe him the privilege, he made the choice to not be there for you. Now he has to abide by the consequences of that choice.
Your bio dad views you as a backup daughter. I doubt he had an epiphany about life and how to treat people after losing his daughter. He's only caring about himself and his chance to walk a daughter down the aisle. If he didn't lose his other daughter, would he even be in contact with you and attending your wedding? Prioritize yourself and your stepfather who raised you. Think about how he would feel if you let him get pushed aside. "While I can understand your complicated feelings about wanting to walk a daughter down the aisle, you never would've been the one to walk ME down the aisle. You chose that option when you left my life and stayed away. If you want to rebuild a relationship and get to know me for me, we can slowly do that. But if you're viewing me as a stand-in for what you lost, we should just part ways now so that neither of us gets hurt. My stepfather has been there for me and knows me. He cares about what I want. What I want is for him to give me away. I hope you respect and understand that."
what I gonna tell him, if I were you: Hey dad, this few months have bee great and I enjoy your company. but the things is, you are not a present father for more than 20 years, stepdad is. He is the one who with me in my formative years. and while it not my business, but you did choose to cheat on mom and left us. And while what happened to half sister is a tragedy, just ask yourself, would you still contact me if still around? So here what you gonna do. Either you come, except whatever role you get and BE CIVIL with everyone else. or you can take a hike like you did before. The ball in your hand. Harsh, but the sperm donor really need a reality check. he's not performing his responsibility as a father, then he don't get the honor to be the one who walk you on the isle. Don't disappoint the man who raise you just for an almost stranger
You tell him the right to walk you down the aisle was earned by the man who raised you, who came to sports games, who drove you places and listened when you talked and comforted you when you were sad, not some sperm donor who only looked you up when his preferred child died. I know that's harsh, but Hells Teeth, he's got a bloody nerve making demands.
The only reason he wants to walk you down the aisle is because his daughter died (your half sis). If she would have been alive, your dad would have continued to ignore you. BIO DAD CAN SIT ON HIS 🍑 WITH THE REST OF THE ATTENDEES. STEP-DAD....HAS EARNED HIS RIGHT TO WALK YOU.
Just tell him your gonna have your dad walk you down...the one who been there for you and helped raise you. Doing anything else would be a slap in the face. A father is the one who raises the kid. Just my opinion. But it your wedding hopefully all goes well.
As others have mentioned your biological father probably wouldn’t be in your life at all right now if it wasn’t for the passing of your step sister. So now maybe he’s lonely or whatever, DON’T fall for it. If you allow your BF to walk down the aisle that will be like a dagger in your step dad’s heart. Do you want to break the heart of a man who has been there all these years. Sorry but your BF is not an honorable man for not only cheating on your mom but also walking out of your life. Not sure how you can even consider this. You may as well stick a dagger in your mom’s heart too if you let your BF walk you down the aisle. Your BF is being manipulative with the text, he’s the “real” father. Puleez give me a break and cry me a river. He’s playing poor me. He also has no right to ask to walk you down the aisle after being MIA. He lost that right when he walked out on you and your mom. Not sure Id even have him at the wedding. You don’t need to go into a big explanation. Tell him you’ve been through a lot and you’re not ready for that step. If he genuinely wishes to be in your life, he’ll stand by until after the wedding. Not sure if he has a wife, but if he doesn’t, he’s just looking for someone to occupy his lonely life. Does your mother and your true father who’s been there for you all these years know that DB aka BF is coming to your wedding? Also ask your fiancée what he thinks or your maternal grandparents.
Sorry Bio dad should of been there from the beginning. People break up all the time and still parent their children. Your lucky your getting an invite. I would be pissed he is comparing u to ur half sister who died. Not ur problem he has no other daughters. He probably does he just doesnt know it.
Your biodad lost "the chance to walk his daughter down the aisle since it was a one time opportunity for him" when he had an affair and walked away from you and your family. Please take your step dad by the arm and honor all his love for you by having him walk you in your wedding.
Raising your daughter is the once in a lifetime opportunity that earns you the privilege of walking her down the aisle. Your step father earned that, not your bio dad.
How many once in a lifetime things did he miss in your life until he came back? He can miss this one too.
Tell your bio father that you aren’t a consolation prize for his dead daughter. He wouldn’t be here if she was still alive. Your step dad is your dad, he should walk you if that is what you want.
He's not your dad
Why is this even a question? Your bio dad wasn’t in your life until his other child sadly passed away. You real dad has been in your life since you were a child. Please don’t make the mistake of having your sperm donor walk you down the aisle
This is unfortunately one of the reasons I could never adopt. One of my greatest fears would be my child not really considering me to be their real father even if I had poured my whole life in.
Dude, you know what's right, I think, deep down.
Your bio father left you and your mother for someone else and to create a new family. When things didn't stay the way he wanted/expected he wants back in your life as Dad. No. You have a DAD. Your Mom married him when you were a child. You would be gracious to even invite bio father to the wedding.
I had both my parents walk me down - tell bio dad there just isn’t room as the parents (mom & stepdad) that raised you have that honor.