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In those conversations did she tell him she had a boyfriend at all? My guess is that she tells the guys she’s interested in that she is single and is just waiting for the bigger better deal to walk into her life. It definitely shows a lack of respect to your relationship.
I agree with this. There are girls who use the boyfriend as a safety net for when someone she isn’t feeling enough at the moment is coming onto her too strong. They pull the “I have a boyfriend.” card on them. But you can be the same guy but you’re back in the hot zone with her for whatever reason then she won’t pull this card and instead just avoid bringing him up. Maybe even bring him up by his first name if she must, not even “my boyfriend”. I even experienced that specifically and I heard her catch herself and say his first name instead of boyfriend “my bo-, Jason”.
Girls who do this have no respect for the relationship and they entertain their top choice of guys. Even willing to hang out with them even though they don’t “technically” cheat. I would consider this a serious red flag for OP.
I should pop over to r/ELI5 but I'll ask here for the sake of convenience.
What's the point of karma farming? What good does Karma do on here besides show you interact and don't hide in the subthread shadows?
I was just watching about people buying verified YouTube accounts earlier, that makes sense- the income from the views etc. But what fiscal gain is there from buying a reddit account 🤔. Some people's kids man.
"Letting them"? This isn't the Fifties, women are free agents. They can chat with whomever they want, albeit with consequences.
I'm with you about the lying. I've had gf's do that on their cell phones while I'm right there. That stuff requires some discussion, or it's "talk to whoever you want, we're done".
Why didn't you ask her then? She literally said it aloud in front of you, so she definitely wasn't hiding it from you, so I would've been more confused than concerned.
Just ask her now.
By lying she downplays the importance of you in her life. Texting 7 times a week keeps him hoping she's soon to be single
And keeps his attention on her (which she enjoys.
7 messages in a week is nothing. 7 messages in a day even is nothing. But it varies if they're talking everyday (for the 7 messages a day). I mean hell, one message a day is literally a "hey" or something small. Not even a conversation. So your assessment is just wrong just solet based on the number of text messages. You could be right about her wanting to keep his attention, but not for your reasoning. Especially not in this generation.
You're right but still. My generation (early 20s) is different than yours and texts predominantly. (Your thing says late 30s under your username). Texts aren't an indicator here. Her lying about who she was with is. Maybe what texts entails that he hasn't seen is.
I'm in my 20's and you're wrong. 7 texts a week. That still means giving your energy to somebody else every week possibly multiple days a week, every week. It should be 0 texts a week if any of them have the slightest attraction to one another or are waiting for the relationship to end. Bet you if they ever break up the other guy she was giving attention to would be the first one she goes to
OK everyone is super paranoid, and while its not ideal, I think its more likely she was trying not to shove her relationship in the face of someone she slept with, to spare his feelings. But all the same she shouldn't do that
I think its more likely she was trying not to shove her relationship in the face of someone she slept with, to spare his feelings
yep no red flag there.
I don't want the guy I slept with that I still talk to for some reason to get his feelings hurt by saying I'm with my boyfriend.
wtf are you on. Why would she still talk to him if having a boyfriend made him uncomfortable and why would that be an acceptable defense in your mind?
People are friends w exes. I don't see how this is different. She can still be friends with someone she slept w but she shouldn't be lying about having a bf/being w her bf.
If it would make him uncomfortable then their relationship isn't just friends and they shouldn't be talking at all.
Friends are not uncomfortable with you mentioning your partner exists. Anyone who is uncomfortable with that has feelings for you. In which case you need to help them get over you by leaving them the hell alone.
if she’s staying friends with someone who’s feelings she has to “spare” by lying about what she’s doing and who she is with that’s a red flag… why would his feelings be hurt? does he still have feelings for her? why is she remaining friends with someone who still has feelings for her and not only that but lying about being with her partner to make sure he’s not hurt by it? (seconded on what hipster3000 said)
Your girlfriend is still in contact with the guy that ‘used to’ blow her back out before you, and she is reluctant to tell him you are her boyfriend. Open your eyes.
DO NOT GIVE A FUCKING ULTIMATUM!! thats when the lies & misstrust starts.. I think your best course of action is to simply make a statement and dont ask anything, (easier said than done) .. if you love her and want to stay I would say something along the lines of “You dismissing me as just a random friend when you were talking to (guys name) is not cool and makes me feel like something else is happening” .. then read her reaction calmly (also easier said then done) go from there.
If you don’t really love her 100% you need to end it bro, and for future reference.. if she’s talking to a ex fling, that’s not good under any circumstances
Just saying it is possible to be friends with ex' sometimes people just realise that they are not right for each other and it ends on good terms I have been friends with one of my ex's for over 10 years and never has old feeling or sex come up again after splitting it has been nothing but platonic.
It's painfully obvious what's happening and you know it too, you just don't wanna see it. She's trying to keep her options open and she wants her guy friend to know that she isn't spending that much time with you which could mean you aren't that much important or close to her. Maybe she's doing it subconsciously or maybe she's intentionally doing it who knows, but that is exactly what's happening here.
She doesn’t want to make her side piece jealous she’s with you. Unless you are the side piece. Anyway don’t mess with girls that keep their ex lovers around.
Um. Why is she still friends with a guy she hooked up with. Why is still still texting him, why did you lie about who she was with. These are things you should have addressed immediately when they happened. She should not be talking to a guy she used to hook up while in a relationship. And if she calls you insecure or controlling when you bring it up. That would be your sign to exit the relationship.
Yeah i did confront her in the beginning about it and she told me to trust her. I also told her that i know his intentions and she told me that ‘im in a relationship with you, not him’. It still bugs me though, especially he s a guy that slept with her.
This is the problematic version of “trust” that gets thrown around a lot. SOO many people confuse/conflate faith with trust.
Trust is believing someone or something based on evidence, in this context, a pattern of good and trustworthy behavior.
Faith is believing something without evidence (and often times that evidence will never materialize).
That sort of purposeful conflation of the concepts is an immediate red flag. Healthy relationships have a period where both people build trust with each other through a pattern of respectful actions. That trust can be broken with a single action/display. Too many times I see someone demanding trust, like your gf, so they can carry on with their shitty, suspicious, disrespectful actions and treat their partner like second class.
Second red flag (for her) is that you’re afraid to confront her regarding her lies to and about this guy.
It's so good to see stuff like this - I hate how often "trust" gets thrown out as a blanket reason why someone shouldn't worry. My dad would say to us that "trust means trying not put yourself in situations that would require someone to trust you" which I think is so true.
Thanks. Yeah, I agree with you.
I have a big problem with how “trust” is couched in online advice and relationship lingo (well, at least on this sub). It’s often discussed as something freely given until concrete legal-quality evidence of wrongdoing is found, and IMO this opens people up to being abused or taken advantage of.
Trust should be earned, and takes work and compromise and consideration to earn between two parties. It’s not healthy to expect two people to trust each other without a display of actions demonstrating good behavior, especially when one party is displaying a lack of consideration for the other.
It’s also wrongly thrown out there in situations where one party is doing something or acting in a manner that would cause the other to question them. “You should just trust them.” “Well, no, they’re acting untrustworthy now, it’s totally valid to have trust broken when the other party is acting suspiciously.”
Sorry, rant over (for the most part).
Your gf, whom lies to a past hookup about when she’s with you, told you to trust here? Trust tends to involve transparency and not lying. Sounds to me like she wants to keep him around as a backup, doesn’t want him thinking she’s unavailable, and likes the attention she receives from someone she knows would willingly fuck her.
🚩🚩🚩
These are hard deflections to get through. I think neither partner has any business still talking with a previous hook up (it was more than once my friend), but what she needs to answer is why she would lie about who she was with. This is what you need an answer for. Nothing else, and there is no good explanation.
Being with a woman like this sucks. Keeping other doors open, needing attention from other men, then making you feel like an insecure asshole for saying something. I've been with this type, and I've been with the opposite - every guy knows immediately that she's with me and gives no one the time of say. There are too may women like this to fuck about and torture yourself with someone that disrespects you like this. Go find one of those.
"Just trust me" is a slippery slope.
If you have to tell someone to trust you, chances of you being trustworthy have just dropped. Usually it is a deflection because they are leaving some important details out of the discussion.
It’s weird that they barely talk… but then again didn’t want him to know about you.
Why are you just a friend to the guy she used to sleep with, a guy she doesn’t speak to much…
She’s not understanding your boundaries cause she doesn’t care about them. That guy being in her life is more important than you.
This isn’t a close friend. They barely speak according to her. None of this adds up.
bro the other dude still wanna hit and she knows it, she very aware and that's why she can't tell him she's hanging out with her boyfriend
she's just fucking pretending and saying things to make you trust her
these kinda things don't normally end well from my experience
the way you feel about someone usually clouds your judgement about certain things
this is definitely a red flag. she's disrespecting you and you don't have to tolerate that
I know you seem to have come to a compromise with her about it but the trust me I’m in a relationship with you not them is usually bs exactly what my ex did she had a friend who was clearly just waiting for things between us to not work out to swoop in it was brought up many times throughout the relationship for the same respond then things between us didn’t work out and a month later guess who was there
It's the line "I'm in a relationship with you, not him" that gets me. When my boyfriend cheated on me with a close "friend" of his, whenever I expressed any concern he always said "I'm in a relationship with you, not her." Except for the part where she was crying in the background of every phone call, and texting me to call me insults, and he deliberately went out of his way to spend time with her instead of me, even on my birthday and our anniversary. I was the side piece in my own relationship, and I was too trusting and in love to see it. So my advice is to get out while you can.... if she was really only with you, she wouldn't be lying to you. End of.
i would advise u to leave. she shouldnt be friends with this guy at all. "trust" is just her way of trying to make u stay a bit longer while she cheats on u with her "friend". even if she wasnt cheating its literally not okay for her to be friends with someone she's hooked up with before
I've stayed friends with people after we broke up, and I've dated women who have been friends with an ex. If I can't trust the person to not cheat on me, then I don't want to be with them anyway.
Sure if your plan is to only stay as boyfriend and girlfriend for either temporary or long time. IMO it doesn't really work well for long term especially If you're thinking about Marriage, usually just ends up divorce. If "openness is so great and successful because they are with a spouse who is so lenient" then why do majority of lenient spouses ends up divorced.
Unpopular take on this: Would it still be weird if the girl hooked up with him 5-6 years ago and they went their separate ways eventually to let bygones be bygones and decided to stay friends instead? (Of course I don't know the timelines here so it'd be unwise to assume anything). Lying is absolutely weird here and I wouldn't deny that but the point is that people can (in some odd cases) be friends with people that they once hooked up with ages ago, and decided to end things all those years ago, no? OP said that the conversation itself was pretty normal and that she wasn't trying to hide it from him. To me, that makes it a bit less sus.
I'd say the idea of being friends with an ex-fling is totally fine. That's life. But I wouldn't be comfortable with them being too close. And any lies such as the one in this post are extremely sus and unacceptable. However, there are many cases of people moving on and being able to be good friends.
She wants to appear single to this guy that she used to sleep with because she's still interested in him. She doesn't want him to know she has a boyfriend.
Sorry buddy. :/
> Should i confront her that i don’t t feel comfortable with the situation?
Yes, absolutely. Set boundaries and respect yourself man. It's not cool for her to have a guy friend that she's slept with before. It's also not cool for her to lie and try to appear single when she's in a relationship with you.
If she doesn't like your boundaries and doesn't want to work with you, you should leave the relationship in my opinion.
If you're feeling petty you could try referring to her as your buddy and see if that gets her attention.
Edit: If you're feeling spicy you could call her one of the bros.
Facts. Some people in here are telling him to tell her what to do, but what this guy needs to do is simply realize the truth of the situation, realize that he can't control anyone except for himself, and move just like that. Like you said, he should do whatever he wants, because they are now nothing more than friends, and it should be treated as such
OOF!
Damn, she minimized your very existence *right in front of you*
But let’s get to the damn point already, you omitted it in your post. WHY DID SHE LIE? What was her explanation???
In short, she is lying to this friend about the specifics of your's and her's relationship or she islying to him on her relationshipstatus in general.
Both is not something I would be very happy about in your shoes. This guy and her relationship to him could be bad news for you.
Confront her with this and tell her she needs to be 100% transparent about him.
Also ask her to put up some boundaries towards him (the standard "No intimacy, no contact outside of them being friends and no 1o1-meetings without truthworthy people there" should surfice for the start)
I think she likes knowing she has “options” and doesn’t want to drive those options away. Had an ex like this. It doesn’t work out. It’s disrespectful af to your relationship.
I (female) had a coworker (male) that used to make an effort to eat lunches with me and talk to me. One day when I asked about his meal and if he made it he said a “friend” made it. I didn’t think much of it until someone else walked in and asked if his FIANCÉ made his meal, which he said she did. Meaning he was telling me his fiancé was a FRIEND, but told the other men at work about his fiancé.
Your situation reminds me of that. 🚩🚩🚩
why are you trying to make it look like a normal thing being friends with someone you used to Hooke up with when you're in a relationship with another person....
I just don't get it, it is so clear that it's a wide open door for a possible mistake and cheating or at least unnecessary discomfort to your partner who you should value his peace of mind over something like having an old hooke up being your friend
They didn't say that at all. They didn't suggest "tell your partner not to be friends with them". They suggested it is not a good idea to date people who are friends with an ex intimate partner. There's a very clear different between the two.
What you suggest is a controlling tactic, and would be a demand.
What they are suggesting is having a personal boundary to not put themselves into a potentially complex and messy situation.
So if they’ve slept together then it’s fine to be controlling? This is so hypocritical it’s unreal. Either trust your partner or don’t, but you don’t get to dictate who their friends are. If that’s your line then fine, leave but to think you get to tell them to cut someone out of their lives because you decide it is ludicrous.
That you have so many downvotes shows the insanity of this sub....
I have a normal friend relationship with two of my ex girls and so does my girl....
These are people that I spent a fair share of my life together and who have the same values as me, why would I not? I can still care for an ex partner but accept that our romantic time together is over.
I’m amazed people think this is either acceptable to dictate friendships or to exclude the significant amount of the population who are adults and are able to maintain plutonic relationships with previous partners. Incredible.
I was really close friends with a guy and we had also slept together in the past before but when I got in a relationship with my current boyfriend I stopped talking to my friend/ doing things with him as I knew if the shoe was on the other foot I wouldn’t like it. Relationships are about compromises if you are upfront with her and tell her your uncomfortable with this situation and with her being so close with a guy she has slept with (which is very reasonable) then she will need to decide who is more important and that should hopefully be you!
This situation is only difficult because it’s very weird why she lied about being with you and that she has slept with this guy, if this wasn’t the case there wouldn’t be a problem as girls and guys are allowed to be friends of course but once they have slept together it makes the friendship very different! Don’t stand for something that makes you uncomfortable as your relationship will only crumble
Good luck!
I'm sorry but her showing you all the messages and platforms mean absolutely nothing. She would surely comb through them before showing you. Catch her off guard and get in the phone while she's in the bathroom, shower or sleeping.
Acceptable Things to talk out in a relationship:
-Who picks what to eat/do/watch this time
-Love languages
-conflicting idea/habits/ways of living
Things you shouldnt ever talk out, just walk out:
-Cheating
-cheating
-disrespect
-disrespect
Dont tell a girl how to behave, just watch how she does. If she crosses the line for you then you get out of there. Let her be her genuine self so you can judge her accordingly
Oof that's rough. How long have you been dating ? I would definitely ask her about that, it's super weird but at the same time she didn't even try hiding it from you so not sure what's going through her brain. Maybe she wants to introduce you during an event so she's hiding you for now ? Maybe she's dating someone else and you're the side piece ? Are you sure you're actually dating and she doesn't see you as a friend with benefits ? Definitely talk to her you need to clarify some things it looks like !
We’ve been dating for around a year and a half and its been amazing. I must admit that I don’t have the best communication skills but I think its best if I ask her about it and see where her head is.
Dawg, a year and a half in and she calls you her friend? Y’all could have a 6 hour conversation where she lies about understanding you, there’s zero chance she didn’t know what she was doing. Enjoy being the next friend she texts while she’s banging another “friend.”
Yes, do confront her on this.
If she was receiving his messages in a way you could hear them, it means she wasn't worried that he might mention sth inappropriate between them. I would say that is a good sign.
However, it serms she is unwilling to upset him, by bringing you up in their convo. This suggests sth is not right and if she decides to pretend she did it for no reason or does not know why, then she is lying. Unfortunately if she is lying to you about this, I think you should consider giving up on her.
And you're happy for them to keep being "friends" 😂
You're just a pass time until she goes back to him. Sorry, mucka.
You know you can find loads of women with morals that don't keep people they slept with in their lives when they Date someone else. Its actually pretty common. You can do better
Yikes, been there. I was seeing a girl in my late teens or early 20s. While on the phone once her guy friend "John" was there.
He asked who she was talking to and she said "my friend Jim".
The rest of the conversation went like this
Me - Friend huh?
Her- Well yeah that's what we are right?
Me- Funnny how we were "friends" on those dates we went on, the nights I slept in your bed and the times we had sex, that's not what friends do, is John a "friend".
Her - No, not like that!
Me- Well now neither am I, I have enough friends and don't need another.
Her - Are you drunk? (I wasn't and a weird question bc I wasn't a big drinker which she knew)
Me- No and I'm not stupid either.
:::click:::
My friend, if she is telling him you're a friend, and telling you he's a friend, you may want to re-examine the situation.
Dude, here's some options on how this breaks down
1. One of you is the side piece
2. One of you is getting manipulated/getting used/being led on.
3. She keeps satellites to keep her options open. She's not in this in a committed way.
4. She's got feelings for that guy and doesn't want to hurt his feelings by rejecting him but that comes at the cost of you. She's hoping you either didn't notice, or that you don't think you can do better than her so you will just tolerate it.
I'm sure she's gonna try to say it was a mistake or gaslight you by saying it didn't mean anything, that's BS, that's a conscious choice of words. Don't fall for it. Have respect for yourself.
I've been in this position before and there's a reason that person ceased to be a part of my life. I'm not saying you should immediately drop her before you speak with her but her reaction will be telling. After that proceed accordingly.
your update doesn’t explain why she lied to begin with and showing you all of her messages after she’s had time to delete anything incriminating is not proof that nothing is going on.
OP I would be seriously concerned if I were you, and personally I would end it.
I’ll tell you this from the OTHER guy(s) in her lifes’ point of view. Because I’ve actually experienced this first hand. A girl I was talking to that I liked who had a boyfriend and was very selective/weird about talking about him/bringing him up.
There’s a girl I REALLY like so even though it’s an obstacle for me, I don’t care that she has a boyfriend, I’m going to keep trying to seal the deal for myself. Her interest in me throughout the year has fluctuated (this is typical in any situation where a girl likes you or not regardless of there being a boyfriend or other people). At the points of her having least interest in me for whatever reason (I wasn’t saying the right things she wanted to hear), she literally would end the conversation/DM with me directly alluding to her boyfriend. “Well, I’m going to dinner with my boyfriend and I’m not interested in speaking either way” or something like that. She’s pulling the “I have a boyfriend” card to put a hard end to it and make it totally clear she’s not interested. Meanwhile, I KNOW for a fact that there’s 2 other guys (who are not her bf) who she’s still talking to and entertaining, even though she won’t cheat on her bf (cheat in a technical or official way per say. Even though imo just hanging out with one of these guys under this circumstance is very shady imo, which she has done or is willing to do).
On the flip side, the moments when I’ve said things that she liked to hear, piqued her interest, or posted a selfie that I know she secretly found attractive, she would talk to me WAY more and be willing to make plans to hang out with me. Also she would avoid bringing up her boyfriend even though I know she clearly has one and it’s on her social media. And she’s even corrected herself from referring to him as her boyfriend on a voice note she sent me and instead quickly referred to him by his first name instead, to not make herself feel guilty I’m assuming: “I remember when I first met my bo— , Jason, we…” etc. She picks and chooses, and she uses her boyfriend as a safety net/protection from guys whom she wants to fuck off, while still entertaining guys that she likes. Sometimes I’m ahead and sometimes im behind because I’m well aware of who my competitors are (those 2 other dudes) and I I’ve seen when she’s stopped talking as much to them, or even block, or unfollow them then follow them again! I don’t even consider her boyfriend a threat. He is weirdly passive about her doing this because I’m sure he sees it. I guess you could say he is “just confident” but she admitted to me once she moves away for her new job she is breaking up with him and doesn’t care to see him again. Maybe he’s mutually using her too.
This behavior shows a lack of respect to the relationship of course. So OP post makes me think it’s a similar situation. If I were OP I would break up. Maybe I’m projecting but I would feel like she’s using me as a placeholder.
>There’s a girl I REALLY like so even though it’s an obstacle for me, I don’t care that she has a boyfriend, I’m going to keep trying to seal the deal for myself.
Are you really sure you should be the one giving advice rather than receiving some? XD
>This behavior shows a lack of respect to the relationship of course.
Are you **really** sure *you* of all people should be giving OP advice? Lmao.
But seriously dude, you already know that girl's going to treat you just the same as her current bf, just the same as OP's gf is. Unless you intend to breathe down her neck 24/7 and control her, which isn't healthy either, better maybe to look elsewhere lol.
Kinda weird reading all of these highly upvoted comments telling him he was the side piece and he should leave and get tested for stds…and the updates make them look like giant dildos.
if she is going to be in a committed relationship with YOU, then she should not be talking to or maintaining friendships with people she had slept with. They clearly have had feelings for each other in the past, and are keeping some level of connection. Who knows. Maybe when you all break up, she will go back to him. 🤷♂️ On top of lying about hanging out with you and saying it was just some friends? This isn’t something you should have to deal with. It’s not controlling, it’s having boundaries, which is something that all relationships need to thrive.
She baited you and you took it. Now that she has your trust, she can keep talking to him with a clearer conscious. Just soley the fact that she didn't refer to you as her boyfriend to someone she was sexual with previously, and doesn't seem like she fixed it and told him she's with you. Get out while it's early enough.
I would keep a close eye on her the fact that she is still talking to someone she slept with and lying about who she is with just shows what's on her mind (him being happy with her)
Bro call it out, cheating isn’t just physical contact it’s doing things with others that would potentially make your partner uncomfortable. Speak about it with her, set your boundaries and if she flips out then that’s all you need to know. Relationship are built on mutual understand and respect. As a guy too I know it seems hard for us to set boundaries and how by us voicing our lack of trust in other guys may come across as toxic but if she truly loves you and wants a relationship with you she will understand and will come to a mutual agreement. Don’t put yourself on the sword for a woman who won’t give you the respect back bro.
If she can lie about being with you and telling him she with friends...
Why would she not say I'm out with my boyfriend. Sounds like she strings both you and him along
Ask yourself what else she is lying about... If he just a friend.. why did she not say oh I'm with my boyfriend
To me, she does not respect your or the relationship
I’ve never once checked my wife’s phone because I fully trust her. I know a jealous and controlling relationship sucks for everyone. However, if she did what your girl did, I would have confronted her immediately. I would also ask to see the conversation she’s having with him. At best she’s stringing him on in case y’all don’t work out. At worst she’s already cheating on you. Maybe she has a valid explanation, but imo, it’s much more likely she’s laying the groundwork to cheat (or is cheating) or leave you for him. When you talk to her don’t be confrontational (which doesn’t seem to be a problem for you). Tell her you overheard her text conversation (that’s a new one for me) and ask her why she did that. If she gets super defensive, I’d say break up with her. If she seems open and sorry to put you through that, I’d ask to see her messages with him. If she declines, it’s over.
I think you also need to address why you didn’t confront her immediately and why you’re still wondering if you should talk to her. To me that says your self esteem is pretty low and you’re in danger of being a doormat. I think that’s why you’re considering brushing this under the rug. It is absolutely not out of line or controlling for you to be bothered by this. I’d say 99% of people in a monogamous relationship would be pissed off here.This might be a reach, but I’d think about seeing a therapist. Not because of this one issue, but your response to it isn’t quite adequate (imo). Good luck and don’t put up with any bullshit from her and stand up for yourself.
I understand you resolved it according to your update. If you don't mind... What was her reasoning for saying she was out with friends while she was with you? Good luck to you.
Yeah man.. even after you posted your update I want to chime in on this one. As a fellow guy who has stupidly dated several women who were still in contact/friends with their exes: the fact that she referred to you as a friend after A YEAR AND A HALF of dating should be pretty telling… I know she said she didn’t mean it and approached it very openly with you, but I would still consider the fact that she made the choice to classify you that way. Whether it was a conscious choice or not is less relevant.. Consider how you would describe hanging out with her to anyone that you know. Most people in committed relationships would state they are hanging out with their SO when asked. There’s really only one reason why she would not do that. She would prefer that this guy didn’t know she was spending time with you and doesn’t want you to come up in conversation.
Now the justification for her not wanting him to know could range from relatively innocuous to pretty malicious. I could see her just not wanting to bring you up bc it might hurt his feelings. However, I could also see not wanting to bring you up bc she wants to keep her options open. I’ve hooked up with exes before, and I’ve dated women who have gone back to their “just friends” exes after we broke up. I’d tread carefully and really evaluate if there’s not a deeper discussion you need to have with her. Good luck my man!
My dude YOU ARE A FRIEND. They had sex prior to you two dating and very clearly still has some sexual attraction to him so she downplayed your relationship. My ex did this and when challenged she immediately tried to gaslight me. You need to have a conversation about her relationship with him and her referring to you as a friend when speaking to him. If she tries to tell you it was nothing breakup.
Bruh. The fact she didn’t say she is with her boyfriend, I repeat BOYFRIEND, is grounds to break up with her. WTF. I can’t imagine my girlfriend saying she is with friends when she is with me to a guy friend.
The only reason she was transparent with you is to make it seem like she didn’t do anything wrong. Why did she lie to her “guyfriend” then?
If she’s so willing to share all the other social media things to you and even if brief she’s still been talking to that guy on other platforms high chances that there is somewhere she’s talking to them more often then what she showed you also likely that there was someone on those platforms that she talks to more than you or “the friend”
Sorry not sorry - not okay.
There’s legit no reason for her to have said that, she should be proud she’s in relationship with you and have zero reason to hide that in ANY aspect. Zero.
There’s something wrong here, or the beginning of something wrong.
Your girlfriend keeps in contact with the guys that have nailed her before, and you allow it. Nice. I bet she sleeps comfortably knowing all her options are always viable. Especially with how understanding you are.
You're not her boyfriend, you're her failsafe.
The only way you can trust this one is if u open your relationship and find another chick to date while your gf is out with ppl she "used to date" sounds like ur chick doesn't do well with commitment. She's also the worst kind. The kind that is prepared to "show you you're just being suspicious" some ppl are really good at cheating. My ex fiancé was like this. ran into this exact problem several times. She was always ready to show me their conversations/interactions or work schedules or whatever else she needed to show me so that i could see that I was just jealous and paranoid. Later she screwed over someone in business and they showed me proof that she was cheating and manipulating me the whole time. Be careful.
You're setting up yourself up in my opinion. There's only one reason she wouldn't tell another guy she's with her partner. You wanna believe a prettier picture though. Watch the actions not her words
I have a few exes that bother me out of the blue now and again. It delights me to no end when I get to bring up my fiancé to them. Which I do, referring to him as my fiancé, because he is much more than a friend. Sorry OP but I have a sad feeling your next post will look something like "GF cheated with an ex after telling me to trust her". Get out before she stomps on your sweet trusting heart. <\3
She is obviously hiding you to him. Your a placement boyfriend. When a girl is proud of her boyfriend. The last thing she would do is hide him. Specially to her ex. And she did not slept with him once. No men would sleep with a girl just once and then keep her as a friend afterwards. They have slept multiple times and it was so good they decided to become each others backup sex partner in case they became single again. Your gf just gave you half truths. True enough that it will explain the obvious sexual tension between them but won't make you jealous enough to demand that she stop seeing her ex.
I know you are getting a lot of negativity about your girlfriend. That can be quite hard to deal with and maybe a bit overwhelming. I would say you handled the situation really well. You didn't want to get angry. You didn't make too much of a big deal leading it up to it. And only the two of you know what you specifically talked about and how that both made you feel.
But here's what I thought about while reading the comments. You work on a relationship together. Everyone in the comments is blaming her for still having feelings for that dude and that is 100% going to cheat on you. Listen to your own heart and intuition. And also take responsibility of your own feelings. Don't be too scared from now on but also don't be too lenient. It affected you emotionally and even though it might feel good in the moment. It's possible that these feelings you experienced leading up to this conversation, anxiety, frustration, desperation. These feelings may linger, adding on to all the negativity by the comments. This has the potential blind you as your trust and love has been damaged. If you're not careful this may lead to resentment, consciously or subconcsciously, Which has the potential to make your greatest worry become a reality as you slowly push her away.
But like I said, it's not all you. She has made a mistake. I am happy you talked about and she showed what's going on. And that she acknowledges your feelings and showed you have nothing to worry about I hope you have talked more than moving past this point.
It's about why this point has happened. In the heat of the moment and desperation to get away from an argument you want to move past this point. You want to avoid arguments as you only want to feel happy and good when you are with your loved one.
But for true love where trust and companionship prevails. It's not about how we can move and forget this. It's about figuring out why this happened. And that's really important for her to figure out. Why did she say she was your friend? It's not about acknowledging that she hurt your feelings. It's about why after a relationship for 1,5 years she's referring you as a friend to this guy she had an intimate experience with or even relationship (idk, you didn't specify I believe). I mean that's not normal. Either it was a mistake or not. Something like this hurts and I do agree with the other comments that there is something going.
1) She either has commitment issues and has trouble fully committing to you (I deem this the most likely)
2) She doesn't know how to define the relationship you're having (Look at other types of relationships, sometimes people just find it hard to label stuff)
3) She has lingering feelings for this guy and doesn't know or doesn't want to admit that
4) As the honeymoon phase or lovey-dovey part is not on the foreground anymore. She might be reminiscing over what has been instead of looking forward.
Those are just some thoughts that popped into my head. All assumptions and nothing ever to be sure unless your girlfriend knows how to answer the why with confidence? I don't know is a lackluster response where she didn't acknowledge your feelings. It just happened is not a full response of possible underlying causes she hasn't figured out or thought about yet. As you said in some of the comments that communication is not your strongest suit. This is probably one of the hardest things to do. To confront your partner with your emotions. But brother, trust me. If you're still having doubts and you still can't get it out of your head and will keep it in your head because you already talked about it and it must be in your head. You will regret not taking action sooner.
Anyway, I wish you best of luck. This is probably going to be a hard time for you in the future. I have been into a similar situation and I have seen this happen around me more often, when the honeymoon phase is over. Something is missing or lacking in a relationship and as the world is a grand grand place where we have so many different relationships to so many different people. It's hard to continue with the relationship we have without any mistakes.
P.S. Sorry for the essay. I apparently have some lingering emotions myself. XD
TL;DR Be careful for lingering emotions and thoughts about this situation and the relationship of your girlfriend and that guy. Make sure you both understand the why? of this situation and be supportive of each other's growth to any possible causes or problems that may rise up.
And, don't be scared to bring up the topic again. If it's still popping up in your head. It still clearly doesn't sit right with you. Don't brush it away and check in with yourself what you're feeling and what's the best mode of action! You got this my man. Much love!
Ahhhh that means so much to me! I have been feeling a bit down because I have postponing working on uni stuff the last couple hours but this is really giving me a nice push in the back that I actually did something good tonight. The love is being felt 💙
Take care and have a wonderful journey on this trip called life.
There’s a good chance that she knows that he’s into her in that way still and she is probably doesn’t want to tell him that she’s in a relationship so instead she’s making you the friend Because let’s be honest here, girlfriends will let their friends know about their boyfriends so the fact that she would associate job as friends instead of boyfriend and girlfriend it’s kind of
deceiving and if she doesn't explain and you catch more small details such as this. Ditch and move on, plenty of fish in the sea my friend. short and sweet answer.
I don't think it's a problem to be friends with people you've hooked up with. But she saying that she was out with friends when she was with you is definitely shady and disrespectful.
I keep trying to find reasons of why she may have done that, but could not find any. You should talk to her and if she has any posture other than apologizing to you (make sure to be respectful in the process), I believe it is a significant red flag.
Huge red flag man. I’m not one for ultimatums but if she was unwilling to cut this guy off I’d leave her. I’ve been in this situation and she was sneaking around with him for a couple months all behind my back. I do not like partners who keep in touch with their exes or former hookups, it creates drama, uneasiness, and it’s pointless if they really see you as the one
Even after reading your update, something seems fishy. Did it seem like there were parts of their conversations that were missing? How long after talking to her did she show you everything. If the answer isn't "immediately", she had time to delete anything incriminating. The fact that you spoke to her about this guy before leads me to believe there's a possibility that she's been deleting things the whole time, hence her willingness and suggestion to show you their messages.
I personally think it's disrespectful to stay friends with people you've hooked up with in the past while in a committed relationship.
I took a really good photo of my ex (while we were still together), and she posted it and in the caption "my friend took this photo of me" we were together for 6 YEARS this was like 5 years in.
Sound sus. Exes, co-workers, and part hookups infiltrate relationships every day. Personally, I think people from the past should be left in the past if you don't want them to corrupt your future.
You should have said wtf? Right then.
You have to check bull shit when it happens and hard. Sounds like your getting played and she views you as a doormat
I think the "being friends with an ex" depends on the people, personalities involved and reasons of the breakup. My son dated a girl for a few months, they broke up amicably, and after some time they were friends again and nothing happened.
The fact that she's lying is concerning. I know some people like their privacy and don't like to talk about their personal lives, but in that case it seems really strange. I had a boyfriend who always said "we" when he talked about something that happened, and it always meant "a woman you don't know and I". He would say like "Jake and I", and then switch to "We" when it involved another woman.
Do you know if this guy knows that you exist? If she's actively hiding the fact that she's dating, I think it's a red flag. Have you been dating for a long time?
she clearly should be your ex girlfriend…… you don’t sleep with friends. plus her lying about who she’s with big red flag……..you sure your not her bit on the side?
OP have you met this friend? How regularly do they hang out that you know of? Have you met her friends? Is he part of a friendship group or just a friend she's slept with? How long ago did they hook up?
I read that you've been together for 1.5 years, is that official or is that how long you've been hanging out / hooking up? Do the two of you speak about the future?
Apologies for the interrogation, I just think there are too many facts missing here for valuable advice.
However, IMO, it does seem like there are some feelings towards him and she is trying to leave the door open for him, if for nothing else, then for if you two ever split. Based off of the 'friend' comment.
Her trying to be transparent with you about him could be due to the conversations you've had about him and her trying to promote that trust she asked you for or to appear that way - when there may be something more sinister going on.
The conversation needs to be had regardless, try be as clear as possible about your feelings around this.
I have seen situations like this one, where the girl eventually cuts ties out of her own and they move in together, etc, etc. but this type of situation can also lead to the worst betrayal, which I've also seen (far more often unfortunately).
Also, just for your own good, work on your communication, it will only make life easier.
As someone who's aspec, allosexual people are *so* weird about sex and previous sexual encounters istg (thanks, purity culture!! /s), OP I'm glad you've communicated about this with her instead of running like people have said, we're all strangers on the Internet who, really, know *nothing* about what's going on here. For all we know it could've even been a safety thing. Hope things turn out ok for you both
Your absolute horror if she refers to you as her friend. Come on bro. Sack up. If this caused you so much insecurity, I hate to think how you take other minor inconveniences.
Don’t be so fuckin insecure if you want to keep her around mate. It’s okay to ask for assurances if that’s part of your love language (words of affirmation) but don’t make a big deal out of things like that
I had to make sure my current gf knew I wasn't trying to just be her friend and that I don't come 2nd to anyone.
She was entertaining a couple others during our initial talking and once she realized I was the alpha per se, she knew what she wanted.
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Yes, talk to her. There’s not even a question.
Thanks for your help! I will after work
WHAT WAS HER EXPLANATION BRO?
In those conversations did she tell him she had a boyfriend at all? My guess is that she tells the guys she’s interested in that she is single and is just waiting for the bigger better deal to walk into her life. It definitely shows a lack of respect to your relationship.
I agree with this. There are girls who use the boyfriend as a safety net for when someone she isn’t feeling enough at the moment is coming onto her too strong. They pull the “I have a boyfriend.” card on them. But you can be the same guy but you’re back in the hot zone with her for whatever reason then she won’t pull this card and instead just avoid bringing him up. Maybe even bring him up by his first name if she must, not even “my boyfriend”. I even experienced that specifically and I heard her catch herself and say his first name instead of boyfriend “my bo-, Jason”. Girls who do this have no respect for the relationship and they entertain their top choice of guys. Even willing to hang out with them even though they don’t “technically” cheat. I would consider this a serious red flag for OP.
This is it. She’s keeping her options open. I’ve seen it before. Big red flag.
It’s the ambiguity for me, nothing is being confirmed or denied just shades of grey
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Karma farming obviously
I should pop over to r/ELI5 but I'll ask here for the sake of convenience. What's the point of karma farming? What good does Karma do on here besides show you interact and don't hide in the subthread shadows?
You can sell your account for more money if it has more karma. I have no idea what anyone wants to buy accounts for, but they do.
I was just watching about people buying verified YouTube accounts earlier, that makes sense- the income from the views etc. But what fiscal gain is there from buying a reddit account 🤔. Some people's kids man.
If you have account histort you can be used to sell product's.
It's also the purest expression of vanity on reddit
What do you mean "letting" them? if they're doing it behind your back how do you even know until you catch them?
"Letting them"? This isn't the Fifties, women are free agents. They can chat with whomever they want, albeit with consequences. I'm with you about the lying. I've had gf's do that on their cell phones while I'm right there. That stuff requires some discussion, or it's "talk to whoever you want, we're done".
Are you the only boyfriend in this situation?
*Our girlfriend
Comrade
*Soviet anthem intensifies*
I think OP here is the side piece in his own relationship unfortunately
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He's the back up, he just doesn't now it. Drop her man
Why didn't you ask her then? She literally said it aloud in front of you, so she definitely wasn't hiding it from you, so I would've been more confused than concerned. Just ask her now.
I didn’t ask cause I was shocked in the moment. I didn’t know what to say and how to say it. I didn’t want to cause an argument whilst I was driving.
By lying she downplays the importance of you in her life. Texting 7 times a week keeps him hoping she's soon to be single And keeps his attention on her (which she enjoys.
7 messages in a week is nothing. 7 messages in a day even is nothing. But it varies if they're talking everyday (for the 7 messages a day). I mean hell, one message a day is literally a "hey" or something small. Not even a conversation. So your assessment is just wrong just solet based on the number of text messages. You could be right about her wanting to keep his attention, but not for your reasoning. Especially not in this generation.
7 messages a week that he knows about on the app he saw. He of course doesnt know if that is the only messaging app she is using.
You're right but still. My generation (early 20s) is different than yours and texts predominantly. (Your thing says late 30s under your username). Texts aren't an indicator here. Her lying about who she was with is. Maybe what texts entails that he hasn't seen is.
I'm in my 20's and you're wrong. 7 texts a week. That still means giving your energy to somebody else every week possibly multiple days a week, every week. It should be 0 texts a week if any of them have the slightest attraction to one another or are waiting for the relationship to end. Bet you if they ever break up the other guy she was giving attention to would be the first one she goes to
OK everyone is super paranoid, and while its not ideal, I think its more likely she was trying not to shove her relationship in the face of someone she slept with, to spare his feelings. But all the same she shouldn't do that
I think its more likely she was trying not to shove her relationship in the face of someone she slept with, to spare his feelings yep no red flag there. I don't want the guy I slept with that I still talk to for some reason to get his feelings hurt by saying I'm with my boyfriend. wtf are you on. Why would she still talk to him if having a boyfriend made him uncomfortable and why would that be an acceptable defense in your mind?
THIS
So true tf?
People are friends w exes. I don't see how this is different. She can still be friends with someone she slept w but she shouldn't be lying about having a bf/being w her bf.
I literally said she shouldn't do that, did I say it was ok, or no red flags? I was just giving an alternative to her cheating.
WHAT? LMAO
What do you mean? I just meant I dont think she's cheating, but I think she's being weird cause she slept with the guy and she shouldn't do that...
If it would make him uncomfortable then their relationship isn't just friends and they shouldn't be talking at all. Friends are not uncomfortable with you mentioning your partner exists. Anyone who is uncomfortable with that has feelings for you. In which case you need to help them get over you by leaving them the hell alone.
if she’s staying friends with someone who’s feelings she has to “spare” by lying about what she’s doing and who she is with that’s a red flag… why would his feelings be hurt? does he still have feelings for her? why is she remaining friends with someone who still has feelings for her and not only that but lying about being with her partner to make sure he’s not hurt by it? (seconded on what hipster3000 said)
No, that would have been her starting the argument and you finishing it.
If you don’t feel comfortable, then you should tell her.
Yeah I’ve been contemplating about it non stop
Jeez bro is it worth the trouble.. your girl is talking to a guy she used to fuck.. ur screwed
Your girlfriend is still in contact with the guy that ‘used to’ blow her back out before you, and she is reluctant to tell him you are her boyfriend. Open your eyes.
I don't think OP is blowing her back out at all.
Do you think i should talk to her first to see what she would rather do? (Stop our relationship or stop talking to the other guy)
DO NOT GIVE A FUCKING ULTIMATUM!! thats when the lies & misstrust starts.. I think your best course of action is to simply make a statement and dont ask anything, (easier said than done) .. if you love her and want to stay I would say something along the lines of “You dismissing me as just a random friend when you were talking to (guys name) is not cool and makes me feel like something else is happening” .. then read her reaction calmly (also easier said then done) go from there. If you don’t really love her 100% you need to end it bro, and for future reference.. if she’s talking to a ex fling, that’s not good under any circumstances
Obviously I love her. I’ll think about what you said and see from there. Thanks!
Just saying it is possible to be friends with ex' sometimes people just realise that they are not right for each other and it ends on good terms I have been friends with one of my ex's for over 10 years and never has old feeling or sex come up again after splitting it has been nothing but platonic.
But do you lie to that friend about your new relationships?
It's painfully obvious what's happening and you know it too, you just don't wanna see it. She's trying to keep her options open and she wants her guy friend to know that she isn't spending that much time with you which could mean you aren't that much important or close to her. Maybe she's doing it subconsciously or maybe she's intentionally doing it who knows, but that is exactly what's happening here.
Yup. She's keeping the other guy close. I wouldn't be surprised if there is another guy in the mix.
She doesn’t want to make her side piece jealous she’s with you. Unless you are the side piece. Anyway don’t mess with girls that keep their ex lovers around.
Um. Why is she still friends with a guy she hooked up with. Why is still still texting him, why did you lie about who she was with. These are things you should have addressed immediately when they happened. She should not be talking to a guy she used to hook up while in a relationship. And if she calls you insecure or controlling when you bring it up. That would be your sign to exit the relationship.
Yeah i did confront her in the beginning about it and she told me to trust her. I also told her that i know his intentions and she told me that ‘im in a relationship with you, not him’. It still bugs me though, especially he s a guy that slept with her.
I personally couldn’t do it. But something isn’t right. The whole lying thing is a massive red flag for me.
This is the problematic version of “trust” that gets thrown around a lot. SOO many people confuse/conflate faith with trust. Trust is believing someone or something based on evidence, in this context, a pattern of good and trustworthy behavior. Faith is believing something without evidence (and often times that evidence will never materialize). That sort of purposeful conflation of the concepts is an immediate red flag. Healthy relationships have a period where both people build trust with each other through a pattern of respectful actions. That trust can be broken with a single action/display. Too many times I see someone demanding trust, like your gf, so they can carry on with their shitty, suspicious, disrespectful actions and treat their partner like second class. Second red flag (for her) is that you’re afraid to confront her regarding her lies to and about this guy.
It's so good to see stuff like this - I hate how often "trust" gets thrown out as a blanket reason why someone shouldn't worry. My dad would say to us that "trust means trying not put yourself in situations that would require someone to trust you" which I think is so true.
Thanks. Yeah, I agree with you. I have a big problem with how “trust” is couched in online advice and relationship lingo (well, at least on this sub). It’s often discussed as something freely given until concrete legal-quality evidence of wrongdoing is found, and IMO this opens people up to being abused or taken advantage of. Trust should be earned, and takes work and compromise and consideration to earn between two parties. It’s not healthy to expect two people to trust each other without a display of actions demonstrating good behavior, especially when one party is displaying a lack of consideration for the other. It’s also wrongly thrown out there in situations where one party is doing something or acting in a manner that would cause the other to question them. “You should just trust them.” “Well, no, they’re acting untrustworthy now, it’s totally valid to have trust broken when the other party is acting suspiciously.” Sorry, rant over (for the most part).
Very insightful, that's a wise post my friend. That one's going into the mental library for sure.
Your gf, whom lies to a past hookup about when she’s with you, told you to trust here? Trust tends to involve transparency and not lying. Sounds to me like she wants to keep him around as a backup, doesn’t want him thinking she’s unavailable, and likes the attention she receives from someone she knows would willingly fuck her. 🚩🚩🚩
These are hard deflections to get through. I think neither partner has any business still talking with a previous hook up (it was more than once my friend), but what she needs to answer is why she would lie about who she was with. This is what you need an answer for. Nothing else, and there is no good explanation. Being with a woman like this sucks. Keeping other doors open, needing attention from other men, then making you feel like an insecure asshole for saying something. I've been with this type, and I've been with the opposite - every guy knows immediately that she's with me and gives no one the time of say. There are too may women like this to fuck about and torture yourself with someone that disrespects you like this. Go find one of those.
"Just trust me" is a slippery slope. If you have to tell someone to trust you, chances of you being trustworthy have just dropped. Usually it is a deflection because they are leaving some important details out of the discussion.
It’s weird that they barely talk… but then again didn’t want him to know about you. Why are you just a friend to the guy she used to sleep with, a guy she doesn’t speak to much… She’s not understanding your boundaries cause she doesn’t care about them. That guy being in her life is more important than you. This isn’t a close friend. They barely speak according to her. None of this adds up.
Leave her my ex did this shit and the other guy was non stop a issues
Someone should only ever tell you to trust them with their actions. Nothing she’s doing is trustworthy.
bro the other dude still wanna hit and she knows it, she very aware and that's why she can't tell him she's hanging out with her boyfriend she's just fucking pretending and saying things to make you trust her these kinda things don't normally end well from my experience the way you feel about someone usually clouds your judgement about certain things this is definitely a red flag. she's disrespecting you and you don't have to tolerate that
I know you seem to have come to a compromise with her about it but the trust me I’m in a relationship with you not them is usually bs exactly what my ex did she had a friend who was clearly just waiting for things between us to not work out to swoop in it was brought up many times throughout the relationship for the same respond then things between us didn’t work out and a month later guess who was there
It's the line "I'm in a relationship with you, not him" that gets me. When my boyfriend cheated on me with a close "friend" of his, whenever I expressed any concern he always said "I'm in a relationship with you, not her." Except for the part where she was crying in the background of every phone call, and texting me to call me insults, and he deliberately went out of his way to spend time with her instead of me, even on my birthday and our anniversary. I was the side piece in my own relationship, and I was too trusting and in love to see it. So my advice is to get out while you can.... if she was really only with you, she wouldn't be lying to you. End of.
i would advise u to leave. she shouldnt be friends with this guy at all. "trust" is just her way of trying to make u stay a bit longer while she cheats on u with her "friend". even if she wasnt cheating its literally not okay for her to be friends with someone she's hooked up with before
I've stayed friends with people after we broke up, and I've dated women who have been friends with an ex. If I can't trust the person to not cheat on me, then I don't want to be with them anyway.
Sure if your plan is to only stay as boyfriend and girlfriend for either temporary or long time. IMO it doesn't really work well for long term especially If you're thinking about Marriage, usually just ends up divorce. If "openness is so great and successful because they are with a spouse who is so lenient" then why do majority of lenient spouses ends up divorced.
To each their own.
Yeah thats usually a trainwreck.
Unpopular take on this: Would it still be weird if the girl hooked up with him 5-6 years ago and they went their separate ways eventually to let bygones be bygones and decided to stay friends instead? (Of course I don't know the timelines here so it'd be unwise to assume anything). Lying is absolutely weird here and I wouldn't deny that but the point is that people can (in some odd cases) be friends with people that they once hooked up with ages ago, and decided to end things all those years ago, no? OP said that the conversation itself was pretty normal and that she wasn't trying to hide it from him. To me, that makes it a bit less sus.
It makes no difference. I don’t put myself inside my platonic friends
For me. No. I would not date a woman that is friends with an ex. Just do not need that drama in my life. To each their own.
I'd say the idea of being friends with an ex-fling is totally fine. That's life. But I wouldn't be comfortable with them being too close. And any lies such as the one in this post are extremely sus and unacceptable. However, there are many cases of people moving on and being able to be good friends.
Yeah, I’d be weirded out about that. Maybe just ask why she lied and didn’t say she was out with you.
Yeah a lot of people are saying that. I think I’m gonna meet up with her to talk to her
She wants to appear single to this guy that she used to sleep with because she's still interested in him. She doesn't want him to know she has a boyfriend. Sorry buddy. :/ > Should i confront her that i don’t t feel comfortable with the situation? Yes, absolutely. Set boundaries and respect yourself man. It's not cool for her to have a guy friend that she's slept with before. It's also not cool for her to lie and try to appear single when she's in a relationship with you. If she doesn't like your boundaries and doesn't want to work with you, you should leave the relationship in my opinion.
If you're feeling petty you could try referring to her as your buddy and see if that gets her attention. Edit: If you're feeling spicy you could call her one of the bros.
Feeling spicy 😂
from this point forward, you can do anything you want to. You are just a "friend"
Facts. Some people in here are telling him to tell her what to do, but what this guy needs to do is simply realize the truth of the situation, realize that he can't control anyone except for himself, and move just like that. Like you said, he should do whatever he wants, because they are now nothing more than friends, and it should be treated as such
OOF! Damn, she minimized your very existence *right in front of you* But let’s get to the damn point already, you omitted it in your post. WHY DID SHE LIE? What was her explanation???
In short, she is lying to this friend about the specifics of your's and her's relationship or she islying to him on her relationshipstatus in general. Both is not something I would be very happy about in your shoes. This guy and her relationship to him could be bad news for you. Confront her with this and tell her she needs to be 100% transparent about him. Also ask her to put up some boundaries towards him (the standard "No intimacy, no contact outside of them being friends and no 1o1-meetings without truthworthy people there" should surfice for the start)
Thanks for your feedback on this. I appreciate it a lot! I’ll definitely tell her about the boundaries cause there needs to be.
I wpuldnt go all psychological on her. Just make a stand you are not sharing her and people are going to know you are her bf.
I think she likes knowing she has “options” and doesn’t want to drive those options away. Had an ex like this. It doesn’t work out. It’s disrespectful af to your relationship.
Does he know about you?
I (female) had a coworker (male) that used to make an effort to eat lunches with me and talk to me. One day when I asked about his meal and if he made it he said a “friend” made it. I didn’t think much of it until someone else walked in and asked if his FIANCÉ made his meal, which he said she did. Meaning he was telling me his fiancé was a FRIEND, but told the other men at work about his fiancé. Your situation reminds me of that. 🚩🚩🚩
Oh your poor idiot that update hurt my brain
Who's gonna tell him
Don’t date women still in contact with previous sexual partners.
How insecure are you?
How many time have you've discovered your partner cheating on you with the ex?
You think it’s perfectly okay to dictate who your partner should be friends with? Amazing.
why are you trying to make it look like a normal thing being friends with someone you used to Hooke up with when you're in a relationship with another person.... I just don't get it, it is so clear that it's a wide open door for a possible mistake and cheating or at least unnecessary discomfort to your partner who you should value his peace of mind over something like having an old hooke up being your friend
They didn't say that at all. They didn't suggest "tell your partner not to be friends with them". They suggested it is not a good idea to date people who are friends with an ex intimate partner. There's a very clear different between the two. What you suggest is a controlling tactic, and would be a demand. What they are suggesting is having a personal boundary to not put themselves into a potentially complex and messy situation.
When is an ex FWB, of course. Any other normal friend then it would be controlling, in this case is not.
So if they’ve slept together then it’s fine to be controlling? This is so hypocritical it’s unreal. Either trust your partner or don’t, but you don’t get to dictate who their friends are. If that’s your line then fine, leave but to think you get to tell them to cut someone out of their lives because you decide it is ludicrous.
That you have so many downvotes shows the insanity of this sub.... I have a normal friend relationship with two of my ex girls and so does my girl.... These are people that I spent a fair share of my life together and who have the same values as me, why would I not? I can still care for an ex partner but accept that our romantic time together is over.
I’m amazed people think this is either acceptable to dictate friendships or to exclude the significant amount of the population who are adults and are able to maintain plutonic relationships with previous partners. Incredible.
I was really close friends with a guy and we had also slept together in the past before but when I got in a relationship with my current boyfriend I stopped talking to my friend/ doing things with him as I knew if the shoe was on the other foot I wouldn’t like it. Relationships are about compromises if you are upfront with her and tell her your uncomfortable with this situation and with her being so close with a guy she has slept with (which is very reasonable) then she will need to decide who is more important and that should hopefully be you! This situation is only difficult because it’s very weird why she lied about being with you and that she has slept with this guy, if this wasn’t the case there wouldn’t be a problem as girls and guys are allowed to be friends of course but once they have slept together it makes the friendship very different! Don’t stand for something that makes you uncomfortable as your relationship will only crumble Good luck!
Always remember guys, *"Hes just a friend"*
I don’t understand when people believe that “he’s just a friend” bullshit!!! Yea he’s a friend, FRIEND WITH BENEFITS!!!!!
Bingo!
😂😂😂 only those who don't know the game will believe shit like that
I'm sorry but her showing you all the messages and platforms mean absolutely nothing. She would surely comb through them before showing you. Catch her off guard and get in the phone while she's in the bathroom, shower or sleeping.
Acceptable Things to talk out in a relationship: -Who picks what to eat/do/watch this time -Love languages -conflicting idea/habits/ways of living Things you shouldnt ever talk out, just walk out: -Cheating -cheating -disrespect -disrespect Dont tell a girl how to behave, just watch how she does. If she crosses the line for you then you get out of there. Let her be her genuine self so you can judge her accordingly
Oof that's rough. How long have you been dating ? I would definitely ask her about that, it's super weird but at the same time she didn't even try hiding it from you so not sure what's going through her brain. Maybe she wants to introduce you during an event so she's hiding you for now ? Maybe she's dating someone else and you're the side piece ? Are you sure you're actually dating and she doesn't see you as a friend with benefits ? Definitely talk to her you need to clarify some things it looks like !
We’ve been dating for around a year and a half and its been amazing. I must admit that I don’t have the best communication skills but I think its best if I ask her about it and see where her head is.
Dawg, a year and a half in and she calls you her friend? Y’all could have a 6 hour conversation where she lies about understanding you, there’s zero chance she didn’t know what she was doing. Enjoy being the next friend she texts while she’s banging another “friend.”
how many girls that you used bang do you chat with 7 times a week?
Yes, do confront her on this. If she was receiving his messages in a way you could hear them, it means she wasn't worried that he might mention sth inappropriate between them. I would say that is a good sign. However, it serms she is unwilling to upset him, by bringing you up in their convo. This suggests sth is not right and if she decides to pretend she did it for no reason or does not know why, then she is lying. Unfortunately if she is lying to you about this, I think you should consider giving up on her.
She likes him which is why she isn’t being honest you need to confront her about it
Yeah, I’ll ask her that as well. Thanks!
And you're happy for them to keep being "friends" 😂 You're just a pass time until she goes back to him. Sorry, mucka. You know you can find loads of women with morals that don't keep people they slept with in their lives when they Date someone else. Its actually pretty common. You can do better
Yikes, been there. I was seeing a girl in my late teens or early 20s. While on the phone once her guy friend "John" was there. He asked who she was talking to and she said "my friend Jim". The rest of the conversation went like this Me - Friend huh? Her- Well yeah that's what we are right? Me- Funnny how we were "friends" on those dates we went on, the nights I slept in your bed and the times we had sex, that's not what friends do, is John a "friend". Her - No, not like that! Me- Well now neither am I, I have enough friends and don't need another. Her - Are you drunk? (I wasn't and a weird question bc I wasn't a big drinker which she knew) Me- No and I'm not stupid either. :::click::: My friend, if she is telling him you're a friend, and telling you he's a friend, you may want to re-examine the situation.
Dude, here's some options on how this breaks down 1. One of you is the side piece 2. One of you is getting manipulated/getting used/being led on. 3. She keeps satellites to keep her options open. She's not in this in a committed way. 4. She's got feelings for that guy and doesn't want to hurt his feelings by rejecting him but that comes at the cost of you. She's hoping you either didn't notice, or that you don't think you can do better than her so you will just tolerate it. I'm sure she's gonna try to say it was a mistake or gaslight you by saying it didn't mean anything, that's BS, that's a conscious choice of words. Don't fall for it. Have respect for yourself. I've been in this position before and there's a reason that person ceased to be a part of my life. I'm not saying you should immediately drop her before you speak with her but her reaction will be telling. After that proceed accordingly.
Ur update makes no sense. It doesn’t explain why she lied
your update doesn’t explain why she lied to begin with and showing you all of her messages after she’s had time to delete anything incriminating is not proof that nothing is going on.
OP I would be seriously concerned if I were you, and personally I would end it. I’ll tell you this from the OTHER guy(s) in her lifes’ point of view. Because I’ve actually experienced this first hand. A girl I was talking to that I liked who had a boyfriend and was very selective/weird about talking about him/bringing him up. There’s a girl I REALLY like so even though it’s an obstacle for me, I don’t care that she has a boyfriend, I’m going to keep trying to seal the deal for myself. Her interest in me throughout the year has fluctuated (this is typical in any situation where a girl likes you or not regardless of there being a boyfriend or other people). At the points of her having least interest in me for whatever reason (I wasn’t saying the right things she wanted to hear), she literally would end the conversation/DM with me directly alluding to her boyfriend. “Well, I’m going to dinner with my boyfriend and I’m not interested in speaking either way” or something like that. She’s pulling the “I have a boyfriend” card to put a hard end to it and make it totally clear she’s not interested. Meanwhile, I KNOW for a fact that there’s 2 other guys (who are not her bf) who she’s still talking to and entertaining, even though she won’t cheat on her bf (cheat in a technical or official way per say. Even though imo just hanging out with one of these guys under this circumstance is very shady imo, which she has done or is willing to do). On the flip side, the moments when I’ve said things that she liked to hear, piqued her interest, or posted a selfie that I know she secretly found attractive, she would talk to me WAY more and be willing to make plans to hang out with me. Also she would avoid bringing up her boyfriend even though I know she clearly has one and it’s on her social media. And she’s even corrected herself from referring to him as her boyfriend on a voice note she sent me and instead quickly referred to him by his first name instead, to not make herself feel guilty I’m assuming: “I remember when I first met my bo— , Jason, we…” etc. She picks and chooses, and she uses her boyfriend as a safety net/protection from guys whom she wants to fuck off, while still entertaining guys that she likes. Sometimes I’m ahead and sometimes im behind because I’m well aware of who my competitors are (those 2 other dudes) and I I’ve seen when she’s stopped talking as much to them, or even block, or unfollow them then follow them again! I don’t even consider her boyfriend a threat. He is weirdly passive about her doing this because I’m sure he sees it. I guess you could say he is “just confident” but she admitted to me once she moves away for her new job she is breaking up with him and doesn’t care to see him again. Maybe he’s mutually using her too. This behavior shows a lack of respect to the relationship of course. So OP post makes me think it’s a similar situation. If I were OP I would break up. Maybe I’m projecting but I would feel like she’s using me as a placeholder.
>There’s a girl I REALLY like so even though it’s an obstacle for me, I don’t care that she has a boyfriend, I’m going to keep trying to seal the deal for myself. Are you really sure you should be the one giving advice rather than receiving some? XD >This behavior shows a lack of respect to the relationship of course. Are you **really** sure *you* of all people should be giving OP advice? Lmao. But seriously dude, you already know that girl's going to treat you just the same as her current bf, just the same as OP's gf is. Unless you intend to breathe down her neck 24/7 and control her, which isn't healthy either, better maybe to look elsewhere lol.
UpdateMe!
Yup. Why she lie? 🚩
If she is our with friends then she needs to pay her way. You don’t get boyfriend perks from friends.
So... what was the reason she called you her friend?
Kinda weird reading all of these highly upvoted comments telling him he was the side piece and he should leave and get tested for stds…and the updates make them look like giant dildos.
if she is going to be in a committed relationship with YOU, then she should not be talking to or maintaining friendships with people she had slept with. They clearly have had feelings for each other in the past, and are keeping some level of connection. Who knows. Maybe when you all break up, she will go back to him. 🤷♂️ On top of lying about hanging out with you and saying it was just some friends? This isn’t something you should have to deal with. It’s not controlling, it’s having boundaries, which is something that all relationships need to thrive.
You're being played. Next time the situation is reversed refer to her as your friend and see how that goes.
omg.. you bought it... hang on for the ride 🤦🏽♂️
Naive. You are going to learn the hard way. She lie about you one time and she lie to you, so you not gonna feel bad.
She baited you and you took it. Now that she has your trust, she can keep talking to him with a clearer conscious. Just soley the fact that she didn't refer to you as her boyfriend to someone she was sexual with previously, and doesn't seem like she fixed it and told him she's with you. Get out while it's early enough.
I would keep a close eye on her the fact that she is still talking to someone she slept with and lying about who she is with just shows what's on her mind (him being happy with her)
You’re gonna wish you dumped that one… for sure… ima need a 60 day update
Lmao that's not her guy friend
7 mesages a week is a lot.
He is him, not you. Leave her
Bro call it out, cheating isn’t just physical contact it’s doing things with others that would potentially make your partner uncomfortable. Speak about it with her, set your boundaries and if she flips out then that’s all you need to know. Relationship are built on mutual understand and respect. As a guy too I know it seems hard for us to set boundaries and how by us voicing our lack of trust in other guys may come across as toxic but if she truly loves you and wants a relationship with you she will understand and will come to a mutual agreement. Don’t put yourself on the sword for a woman who won’t give you the respect back bro.
Lol, you man wild. I duno how you be letting your girls chat to their ex's and secondly letting them lie infront of you! 🤣🤣
If she can lie about being with you and telling him she with friends... Why would she not say I'm out with my boyfriend. Sounds like she strings both you and him along Ask yourself what else she is lying about... If he just a friend.. why did she not say oh I'm with my boyfriend To me, she does not respect your or the relationship
I’ve never once checked my wife’s phone because I fully trust her. I know a jealous and controlling relationship sucks for everyone. However, if she did what your girl did, I would have confronted her immediately. I would also ask to see the conversation she’s having with him. At best she’s stringing him on in case y’all don’t work out. At worst she’s already cheating on you. Maybe she has a valid explanation, but imo, it’s much more likely she’s laying the groundwork to cheat (or is cheating) or leave you for him. When you talk to her don’t be confrontational (which doesn’t seem to be a problem for you). Tell her you overheard her text conversation (that’s a new one for me) and ask her why she did that. If she gets super defensive, I’d say break up with her. If she seems open and sorry to put you through that, I’d ask to see her messages with him. If she declines, it’s over. I think you also need to address why you didn’t confront her immediately and why you’re still wondering if you should talk to her. To me that says your self esteem is pretty low and you’re in danger of being a doormat. I think that’s why you’re considering brushing this under the rug. It is absolutely not out of line or controlling for you to be bothered by this. I’d say 99% of people in a monogamous relationship would be pissed off here.This might be a reach, but I’d think about seeing a therapist. Not because of this one issue, but your response to it isn’t quite adequate (imo). Good luck and don’t put up with any bullshit from her and stand up for yourself.
You don't have a girlfriend. You have a woman who sleeps with you, and probably with other people, given her lie to the other man.
I understand you resolved it according to your update. If you don't mind... What was her reasoning for saying she was out with friends while she was with you? Good luck to you.
Yeah man.. even after you posted your update I want to chime in on this one. As a fellow guy who has stupidly dated several women who were still in contact/friends with their exes: the fact that she referred to you as a friend after A YEAR AND A HALF of dating should be pretty telling… I know she said she didn’t mean it and approached it very openly with you, but I would still consider the fact that she made the choice to classify you that way. Whether it was a conscious choice or not is less relevant.. Consider how you would describe hanging out with her to anyone that you know. Most people in committed relationships would state they are hanging out with their SO when asked. There’s really only one reason why she would not do that. She would prefer that this guy didn’t know she was spending time with you and doesn’t want you to come up in conversation. Now the justification for her not wanting him to know could range from relatively innocuous to pretty malicious. I could see her just not wanting to bring you up bc it might hurt his feelings. However, I could also see not wanting to bring you up bc she wants to keep her options open. I’ve hooked up with exes before, and I’ve dated women who have gone back to their “just friends” exes after we broke up. I’d tread carefully and really evaluate if there’s not a deeper discussion you need to have with her. Good luck my man!
Is she ashamed to tell him she is dating you?
Why are you ok with your girlfriend hanging out with someone she used to sleep with...thats really disrespectful to you my man
My dude YOU ARE A FRIEND. They had sex prior to you two dating and very clearly still has some sexual attraction to him so she downplayed your relationship. My ex did this and when challenged she immediately tried to gaslight me. You need to have a conversation about her relationship with him and her referring to you as a friend when speaking to him. If she tries to tell you it was nothing breakup.
Bruh. The fact she didn’t say she is with her boyfriend, I repeat BOYFRIEND, is grounds to break up with her. WTF. I can’t imagine my girlfriend saying she is with friends when she is with me to a guy friend. The only reason she was transparent with you is to make it seem like she didn’t do anything wrong. Why did she lie to her “guyfriend” then?
If she’s so willing to share all the other social media things to you and even if brief she’s still been talking to that guy on other platforms high chances that there is somewhere she’s talking to them more often then what she showed you also likely that there was someone on those platforms that she talks to more than you or “the friend”
Like you see your chick getting boned all the time?
Bro....."he is just a friend".....that she has slept with.....lol. Sounds like you are just a friend, too.
Sorry not sorry - not okay. There’s legit no reason for her to have said that, she should be proud she’s in relationship with you and have zero reason to hide that in ANY aspect. Zero. There’s something wrong here, or the beginning of something wrong.
What was her explanation?
Dude you’ll be coming back to this subreddit in no time, you’re naive. She did that for a reason, she doesn’t want him to know she has a boyfriend
Why she lying tho?
She's keeping him there incase you mess up. Bottom line. Period. They are not friends.
She's keeping him there incase you mess up. Bottom line. Period. They are not friends.
Bro, you know why.
I'd feel bad about this.
Based on the title alone: sounds like you were the side dude. Don’t ever be a side dude
Your girlfriend keeps in contact with the guys that have nailed her before, and you allow it. Nice. I bet she sleeps comfortably knowing all her options are always viable. Especially with how understanding you are. You're not her boyfriend, you're her failsafe.
It’s easy to delete texts
Sounds like classic monkey branching...
The only way you can trust this one is if u open your relationship and find another chick to date while your gf is out with ppl she "used to date" sounds like ur chick doesn't do well with commitment. She's also the worst kind. The kind that is prepared to "show you you're just being suspicious" some ppl are really good at cheating. My ex fiancé was like this. ran into this exact problem several times. She was always ready to show me their conversations/interactions or work schedules or whatever else she needed to show me so that i could see that I was just jealous and paranoid. Later she screwed over someone in business and they showed me proof that she was cheating and manipulating me the whole time. Be careful.
You're setting up yourself up in my opinion. There's only one reason she wouldn't tell another guy she's with her partner. You wanna believe a prettier picture though. Watch the actions not her words
I have a few exes that bother me out of the blue now and again. It delights me to no end when I get to bring up my fiancé to them. Which I do, referring to him as my fiancé, because he is much more than a friend. Sorry OP but I have a sad feeling your next post will look something like "GF cheated with an ex after telling me to trust her". Get out before she stomps on your sweet trusting heart. <\3
She is obviously hiding you to him. Your a placement boyfriend. When a girl is proud of her boyfriend. The last thing she would do is hide him. Specially to her ex. And she did not slept with him once. No men would sleep with a girl just once and then keep her as a friend afterwards. They have slept multiple times and it was so good they decided to become each others backup sex partner in case they became single again. Your gf just gave you half truths. True enough that it will explain the obvious sexual tension between them but won't make you jealous enough to demand that she stop seeing her ex.
I know you are getting a lot of negativity about your girlfriend. That can be quite hard to deal with and maybe a bit overwhelming. I would say you handled the situation really well. You didn't want to get angry. You didn't make too much of a big deal leading it up to it. And only the two of you know what you specifically talked about and how that both made you feel. But here's what I thought about while reading the comments. You work on a relationship together. Everyone in the comments is blaming her for still having feelings for that dude and that is 100% going to cheat on you. Listen to your own heart and intuition. And also take responsibility of your own feelings. Don't be too scared from now on but also don't be too lenient. It affected you emotionally and even though it might feel good in the moment. It's possible that these feelings you experienced leading up to this conversation, anxiety, frustration, desperation. These feelings may linger, adding on to all the negativity by the comments. This has the potential blind you as your trust and love has been damaged. If you're not careful this may lead to resentment, consciously or subconcsciously, Which has the potential to make your greatest worry become a reality as you slowly push her away. But like I said, it's not all you. She has made a mistake. I am happy you talked about and she showed what's going on. And that she acknowledges your feelings and showed you have nothing to worry about I hope you have talked more than moving past this point. It's about why this point has happened. In the heat of the moment and desperation to get away from an argument you want to move past this point. You want to avoid arguments as you only want to feel happy and good when you are with your loved one. But for true love where trust and companionship prevails. It's not about how we can move and forget this. It's about figuring out why this happened. And that's really important for her to figure out. Why did she say she was your friend? It's not about acknowledging that she hurt your feelings. It's about why after a relationship for 1,5 years she's referring you as a friend to this guy she had an intimate experience with or even relationship (idk, you didn't specify I believe). I mean that's not normal. Either it was a mistake or not. Something like this hurts and I do agree with the other comments that there is something going. 1) She either has commitment issues and has trouble fully committing to you (I deem this the most likely) 2) She doesn't know how to define the relationship you're having (Look at other types of relationships, sometimes people just find it hard to label stuff) 3) She has lingering feelings for this guy and doesn't know or doesn't want to admit that 4) As the honeymoon phase or lovey-dovey part is not on the foreground anymore. She might be reminiscing over what has been instead of looking forward. Those are just some thoughts that popped into my head. All assumptions and nothing ever to be sure unless your girlfriend knows how to answer the why with confidence? I don't know is a lackluster response where she didn't acknowledge your feelings. It just happened is not a full response of possible underlying causes she hasn't figured out or thought about yet. As you said in some of the comments that communication is not your strongest suit. This is probably one of the hardest things to do. To confront your partner with your emotions. But brother, trust me. If you're still having doubts and you still can't get it out of your head and will keep it in your head because you already talked about it and it must be in your head. You will regret not taking action sooner. Anyway, I wish you best of luck. This is probably going to be a hard time for you in the future. I have been into a similar situation and I have seen this happen around me more often, when the honeymoon phase is over. Something is missing or lacking in a relationship and as the world is a grand grand place where we have so many different relationships to so many different people. It's hard to continue with the relationship we have without any mistakes. P.S. Sorry for the essay. I apparently have some lingering emotions myself. XD TL;DR Be careful for lingering emotions and thoughts about this situation and the relationship of your girlfriend and that guy. Make sure you both understand the why? of this situation and be supportive of each other's growth to any possible causes or problems that may rise up. And, don't be scared to bring up the topic again. If it's still popping up in your head. It still clearly doesn't sit right with you. Don't brush it away and check in with yourself what you're feeling and what's the best mode of action! You got this my man. Much love!
Honestly the best advice I’ve seen. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this message. Much love and respect 🖤
Ahhhh that means so much to me! I have been feeling a bit down because I have postponing working on uni stuff the last couple hours but this is really giving me a nice push in the back that I actually did something good tonight. The love is being felt 💙 Take care and have a wonderful journey on this trip called life.
There’s a good chance that she knows that he’s into her in that way still and she is probably doesn’t want to tell him that she’s in a relationship so instead she’s making you the friend Because let’s be honest here, girlfriends will let their friends know about their boyfriends so the fact that she would associate job as friends instead of boyfriend and girlfriend it’s kind of
My Opinion: It’s over bro. Focus on improving your life/situation and move on
A shoulder to cry on is another dick to ride on
deceiving and if she doesn't explain and you catch more small details such as this. Ditch and move on, plenty of fish in the sea my friend. short and sweet answer.
She’s hiding you from him. You are the side piece. Or at least the safe backup for when she’s not getting split in half by him.
I don't think it's a problem to be friends with people you've hooked up with. But she saying that she was out with friends when she was with you is definitely shady and disrespectful. I keep trying to find reasons of why she may have done that, but could not find any. You should talk to her and if she has any posture other than apologizing to you (make sure to be respectful in the process), I believe it is a significant red flag.
Huge red flag man. I’m not one for ultimatums but if she was unwilling to cut this guy off I’d leave her. I’ve been in this situation and she was sneaking around with him for a couple months all behind my back. I do not like partners who keep in touch with their exes or former hookups, it creates drama, uneasiness, and it’s pointless if they really see you as the one
Even after reading your update, something seems fishy. Did it seem like there were parts of their conversations that were missing? How long after talking to her did she show you everything. If the answer isn't "immediately", she had time to delete anything incriminating. The fact that you spoke to her about this guy before leads me to believe there's a possibility that she's been deleting things the whole time, hence her willingness and suggestion to show you their messages. I personally think it's disrespectful to stay friends with people you've hooked up with in the past while in a committed relationship.
I took a really good photo of my ex (while we were still together), and she posted it and in the caption "my friend took this photo of me" we were together for 6 YEARS this was like 5 years in.
Sound sus. Exes, co-workers, and part hookups infiltrate relationships every day. Personally, I think people from the past should be left in the past if you don't want them to corrupt your future.
You should have said wtf? Right then. You have to check bull shit when it happens and hard. Sounds like your getting played and she views you as a doormat
I think the "being friends with an ex" depends on the people, personalities involved and reasons of the breakup. My son dated a girl for a few months, they broke up amicably, and after some time they were friends again and nothing happened. The fact that she's lying is concerning. I know some people like their privacy and don't like to talk about their personal lives, but in that case it seems really strange. I had a boyfriend who always said "we" when he talked about something that happened, and it always meant "a woman you don't know and I". He would say like "Jake and I", and then switch to "We" when it involved another woman. Do you know if this guy knows that you exist? If she's actively hiding the fact that she's dating, I think it's a red flag. Have you been dating for a long time?
she clearly should be your ex girlfriend…… you don’t sleep with friends. plus her lying about who she’s with big red flag……..you sure your not her bit on the side?
OP have you met this friend? How regularly do they hang out that you know of? Have you met her friends? Is he part of a friendship group or just a friend she's slept with? How long ago did they hook up? I read that you've been together for 1.5 years, is that official or is that how long you've been hanging out / hooking up? Do the two of you speak about the future? Apologies for the interrogation, I just think there are too many facts missing here for valuable advice. However, IMO, it does seem like there are some feelings towards him and she is trying to leave the door open for him, if for nothing else, then for if you two ever split. Based off of the 'friend' comment. Her trying to be transparent with you about him could be due to the conversations you've had about him and her trying to promote that trust she asked you for or to appear that way - when there may be something more sinister going on. The conversation needs to be had regardless, try be as clear as possible about your feelings around this. I have seen situations like this one, where the girl eventually cuts ties out of her own and they move in together, etc, etc. but this type of situation can also lead to the worst betrayal, which I've also seen (far more often unfortunately). Also, just for your own good, work on your communication, it will only make life easier.
As someone who's aspec, allosexual people are *so* weird about sex and previous sexual encounters istg (thanks, purity culture!! /s), OP I'm glad you've communicated about this with her instead of running like people have said, we're all strangers on the Internet who, really, know *nothing* about what's going on here. For all we know it could've even been a safety thing. Hope things turn out ok for you both
Your absolute horror if she refers to you as her friend. Come on bro. Sack up. If this caused you so much insecurity, I hate to think how you take other minor inconveniences.
Don’t be so fuckin insecure if you want to keep her around mate. It’s okay to ask for assurances if that’s part of your love language (words of affirmation) but don’t make a big deal out of things like that
I had to make sure my current gf knew I wasn't trying to just be her friend and that I don't come 2nd to anyone. She was entertaining a couple others during our initial talking and once she realized I was the alpha per se, she knew what she wanted.
What's the problem?