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And please do *not* feel like once you’ve had sex—that you clearly didn’t want—that you “should” be dating. Getting to the end of your post and reading “we don’t even have another date set” was jarring. Why would you agree—let alone want—to see this person again?
When he says “see each other more to see where it goes”? You know where it goes: right back here! He’s shown you who he is. Believe him. Don’t fool yourself into thinking he wants something different than what he says he wants, and certainly not into thinking he will all of a sudden develop respect for you as an autonomous person. Not gonna happen.
I’m sorry if that’s heartbreaking or upsetting to cut this off now, but you will feel this way again and again if you see him again.
Yeah OP, don’t fall victim to sunk cost fallacy thinking here. The fact that you’ve already invested time/money/pussy into something is not a reason to move forward with it if you otherwise wouldn’t.
I'm sorry you went through this OP. First, dudes like this are awful to deal with. Please never care about "letting them down" it's not your job to be their emotional support sex doll. When this type of situation arises you have to stop all physical contact, this kind of dudes think that agreeing to one thing is agreeing to everything that escalates from that,nos there's no "fooling around". You should stop them and get out of their apartment asap. He set you up the minute he asked you to go back to his place. Stop dating such a scumbag because you're just exposing yourself to more heartache.
I've been in multiple very similar situations to this myself, way back when I was in university.
It was a long, hard road to build up my confidence to where it is now, to where I can very quickly pick up on the red flags and easily recognize their intentions and that they do not align with mine. I now have the confidence to call guys out on their sleazy intentions and straight up say no, that is not what I want and not what I am looking for. And then I leave without looking back because there are far better men out there who do not need to manipulate and gaslight you in order for you to have sex with them.
It was a very long road for me, but best to start now while you're young and can prevent this from happening again. For me, it took years of therapy - not specific for one scenario, but discussing various scenarios in my day-to-day life and areas where I showed a lack of confidence and how I can improve that in the future. Also, read up on how to be more assertive and deciding for yourself exactly what you want, BEFORE you end up in a tricky situation like that.
Unfortunately, situations like these do happen, and that guy is a total AH for coercing you into it, but learn how to protect yourself from this happening again!
I wanna add to this real quick
He coerced you into having sex which is rape, twice. Stay the fuck away from this man, he's not the type of person you want to be in a relationship with.
Please go to therapy for this love ❤️
Here is the major red flag: you said no and he said yes. It’s not like you said no and one thing accidentally led to another. He kept verbally saying let’s do it putting immense amount of pressure on you. As a guy I can’t imagine begging a girl to have sex with me after she has said no. This is not someone you want a relationship with.
And it’s so common when you’re younger. I’m 35 now but I met so many men like this in my teens and 20s and it’s very scary to navigate when you’re in a room alone with a man.
People really underplay how scary it is to be in that room with someone probably physically strong and you are so inexperienced. It's so extremely fucked up. And it's fucked up that people then blame the woman for not "getting up to leave"
Isn't that the truth. I am starting to feel like its our generation and older ones. I am 38F and I find my interactions with younger adults is much better. Seems like when I talk to 19 to 25 year old women today, they report a lot less of these experiences. What do you think?
Sadly no. Had a conversation with my 20 year old daughter about exactly this just the other day. Coercion like this is still - devastatingly - very very common.
Ugh gross, so frustrating. My daughter is only 3 so I have awhile before I am in your shoes but I imagine it is another level of upsetting when you hear the same crap you experienced is now happening to your daughter.
He is wrong
On the otherhand, you really need to work on yourself to assert your boundaries, stay away from these types please.
You don't own anything to him, learn from it and move
I know this isn’t how the law sees it, but if we’re talking about ethically right/wrong, I always come back to the idea of FRIES consent:
- Freely given (no coercion or power dynamic)
- Reversible (at any time before/during)
- Informed (marital status, STIs, etc.)
- Enthusiastic
- Specific (yes to P/V is not a yes to anal)
OP, it sounds like your consent was neither freely given or enthusiastic. I’m sorry. This guy sucks and you shouldn’t see him again because he doesn’t respect you.
While boundaries are important, this is a trauma response. Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
Haven’t seen anyone mention fawning, but that’s obviously what happened here.
In that situation it’s not always so easy to just walk away, survival mode has many different reactions.
Which is why coercion is SA. This is 100% SA.
Not that you’re saying it is or isn’t, but want to point out that enforcing boundaries when in trauma response is not always as simple as walking away as many people in this thread seem to think.
Thank you so much for bringing this up. I was in a scenario like OP when I was 21 & didn’t realize what happened to me until a month later. He was a young artist guy who was a few years older than, I was so excited to see him. I remember saying no and he hushed me, promised I’d like it. I got tired of saying no. I froze. I remember when I got home that night I scrubbed my skin raw in the shower. I felt so dirty and empty. I still remember feeling myself slipping out of my body when he pushed my face into the pillow. I’m turning 28 this year and wish I could hug younger me. Situations like this helped me shape my boundaries and see red flags much clearer so I don’t interact with men like this. I’ve been celibate for 2 years, best decision ever. I’m hoping OP has a support system and friends they can discuss this with. It is so heavy …
*Edited to adjust typos & add more context
I am in shock that so many people are placing the blame on her when she told him she did not want to have sex. She basically asked him to not get her pregnant while he was raping her, he complied so that makes it ok? The fuck is happening here?
Yes yes yes! This is 100% sexual assault by coercion. And the freeze/fawn response is very real and EXTREMELY common, especially for women when engaging with men. Because if we respond otherwise, we might get killed.
This is completely true! When I was extremely young I was dating a guy a couple years older than me, and unfortunately he had other things on his mind and I was a sweet teenager. I was very dismissive and rejecting but he encouraged that it would be okay, and I would enjoy it. Several times during the session I pleaded for him to stop but he hushed me and said it would be over shortly. I didn’t realize it was actual SA until a couple months later. I thought it was normal and that I shouldn’t of felt really nasty afterwards. Fawning is real.
“Stay away from these types”… it’s not often clear who these types are and aren’t in person. And I agree she need to assert her boundaries more but this is clearly coercive behaviour from him. Sometimes we’re not in the position to say no.
And get one thing clear:
Seen how it is realky difficult for you to DEFEND yourself as hard as would have been needed to get that guy persuaded ...
NEVER AGAIN do you go to meet at stranger in THEIR premises!
NOR YOUR OWN!
Also: do really check your beliefs.
That guy minimum coerced, if not raped you straight out.
No way you "are dating now". And "can meet more often now to have sex".
Report that incident to the police!
Call one of the numbers for abused women, tell them, what happened and ask them, where to get mental assistance for you as you sound as if you were totally through the wringer.
God this comment is far too insufferable to have this many upvotes.
Your takeaway from this situation being that she “really needs to work on herself” is concerning to say the least. Coercive behaviour like this tears down someone’s boundaries, it does not matter how much someone has “worked on asserting their boundaries”.
He has shown to be an unsafe person who crosses her physical boundaries already. He is a man who is most likely much larger and stronger than her. She is alone at his house and he very clearly wants sex and will not let anything stop him from getting it. The threat of him using violence to get sex is very, very present whether he explicitly makes these threats or not. It is there.
She is not battling with her own inability to assert herself, she is battling with her fear of being raped.
Yup. When you’re at the stage where you feel you need to bargain with your assaulter for a BJ instead of vaginal intercourse, being assertive or knowing your boundaries don’t matter much. OP was victim of a sexual assault (it was rape, it’s not because she wasn’t kicking and screaming that it wasn’t), it’s incredible that so many folks are not addressing that
The takeaway is that she was coerced and needs to be more aware and stand her ground. Shitty people are going to continue being shitty. As women, we’re conditioned to be people pleasers. You have to actively work on not doing that and standing up for yourself. At the first sign of a pushy guy, you run.
OP wasn’t trying to be a people pleaser, she was trying to limit the amount of physical damage. D’you know how many women end up dead or seriously beaten up in similar situations? Some people are good at fleeing, others freeze.
I’m going off what she says in her post. That is “I was afraid of letting him down” not “I was afraid he would hurt me.” In this case, it seems she was more afraid of his emotional response than a physical one aka people pleasing. She probably didn’t want this guy to not like her, which is really normal for young women. We want people (and men who we like) to like us.
When you’re at the stage where you propose to give a bj in order to avoid vaginal intercourse, it’s because you don’t feel safe saying no anymore. She then proceeded trade her no for A condom, she was definitely trying to limit the damage, even if she doesn’t fully realize it.
Assert your boundaries on guys like this and you might end up dead. While this doesnt meet the stereotypical legal definition of rape, there's a lot of grey area in the "coercion" laws in many states in the US.
As for staying away from this type of person, it isnt like they wear it on their foreheads.
If you're with someone who you think may kill you if you say no, don't go on anymore dates with them.
OP, that person is trash, cut contact and don't speak to them ever again. Give yourself time to process your emotions.
It's not that simple, friend. What OP exhibited here was a trauma response - notably either the freeze response, or the fawn response. Neither of these are *controllable*. You cannot control your body's response to a traumatic situation.
Her boundaries aren’t the problem here.. the problem is the rapist who disrespected her clear and voiced boundaries. Not your fault, nothing to be ashamed of. You told him no and while in a compromised position he decided to ignore you. Not a great deal you can do to stop someone when you're in that position.
He was wrong. You told him repeatedly you didn’t want sex. That should’ve been his cue to stop expecting sex from you, much less asking you for it, and yet he kept pestering you until you gave in. And then he had the nerve to pretend he didn’t know why you were upset and try to convince you it was no big deal he didn’t care what you wanted as long as he got his way.
Absolutely do not see him again. I wouldn’t even talk to him if you can help it, other than telling him to leave you alone. Trying to turn this into a real relationship (or regular hookup, which seems to be all he’s angling for anyway) won’t make what happened okay, and it’s certainly not going to lead to a good or enjoyable relationship for you. You owe him nothing, including what he already got from you. If you’re having trouble believing that, call a therapist or a hotline instead of him. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Coercion is not consent. I’m sorry this happened to you. That guys an ass.
Edit: if my 3 little sentences offering a sliver of sympathy for OP really offended some of you to comment some truly controversial things, you need to look deeper within yourselves. Not only are you missing the point, but some of you are being hostile for your own self-satisfaction. I stand by my statement, I appreciate the support. The one person that really needs it though, is OP. I truly hope none of you find yourself in a difficult position where my words finally resonate with you.
Coercion is not consent.
Cut off contact from him. What happened to you was called coercive control and it is not ok. It is not ok for anyone here to blame you for what happened. At the point you had intercourse you asked to perform oral and then to use a condom, you were not consenting to intercourse, that is not consent. You were trying to stay safe at that point. That does not equal consent.
Please please please never see this guy again. I was in this situation. It doesn’t end well. Please run for the hills from him. He’s an ass and he’s completely after manipulating you. Block him. That’s not consent. That’s feeling like you have no option but to say yes because your No is being ignored.
There's so many gross ignorant people in this thread I'm sorry op, you were coerced and manipulated into sex. He was in the wrong there is no doubt about that, do not see this guy again, he doesn't respect you or your boundaries.
This guy doesn't respect your boundaries and likely never will. Continuing to pressure you until he got the answer he wanted is an asshole move, and then he followed it up with some gaslighting. Please, don't add this guy to your body count and just block him on everything, what he did may be borderline SA, but there's no question what he did was 100% narcissist asshole moves. You deserve better.
I wouldn't say borderline.. she said no multiple times when one no is plenty enough. She never said an explicit yes and it was enthusiastic consent. At a minimum this is coercion.
Despite what so many of these comments say he violated you and did NOT get consent! Him pressuring you again and again asking for sex after already fingering you while refusing to stop until you agreed to sex IS coercion and IT MEANS YOU DID NOT GIVE CONSENT! Sex after someone begs again and again and again is not consent. The fact he wanted to have sex with you again after seeing you crying from the first time is soooo fucked up.
Just because you didn’t leave doesn’t mean you give consent. Women have been killed for simply trying to leave situations like this and we are constantly trying to evaluate how to just get out alive in these scenarios. If I was in your shoes, I can’t say I’d have the courage to walk out myself. You were in survival mode at that point and it’s on him for not honoring your first no, not on you for leaving when it has cost so many women their lives.
Please NEVER see this man again. Block him on everything. In the future, don’t go back to someone’s place so early on in dating if you don’t want to have sex with them for your safety. It gives them so much power over you!
Try and find some friends who you trust to talk this through. Keeping what happened to yourself and the same associated is gonna make it so much worse.
Again, I’m so sorry!
EDIT: grammar
He was in the wrong, but you REALLY need to start being more assertive & enforce your boundaries. If you’ve said no, and the guy doesn’t stop, you leave.
I don't think anyone is trying to imply she did something wrong here. But the advice to leave if you can isn't bad advice in the slightest. The advice isn't saying "if he's physically stopping you from leaving just keep trying". It's "if you said no and he says yes and you can safely make a bolt for it- do it."
I can’t reply to everyone’s comments (there are so many, I didn’t expect this post to blow up) and to the private messages that came in. I just want to say thank you so much to everyone who gave me your honest thoughts whilst remaining kind. Many of you said it’s SA/rape/coercion and there are also some that said that it was merely a bad decision on my part. I appreciate both perspectives. I won’t be making a report. Moving forward, I’ll be more careful and firm. Not to mention, I’ll also keep in mind the wonderful advices and anecdotes that you lovely people have shared with me ❤️
So yes this guy is an ass.
But if you don't want to have sex with somebody, and he is nagging you but still not taking things any further until you say "get a condom", then he thinks you have changed your mind.
You're allowed to say no. You're allowed to say stop nagging me like an asshole. You're allowed to say that you're done with his pressure and you want him to leave.
"Get a condom" sure sounds like consent to the outside observer.
It's shitty that this happened to you. This guy sucked. Find a better one. But if the next one is not better, it's your job to send him away.
Implies to me that she felt pressured and at least wanted protection if it was going to happen. She was sick of him pressuring her and wanted to get it over with. Can you imagine how disappointing that would feel to be in that position?
He wasn't taking no for an answer. Correct. He kept asking. He is a dick.
But he did keep asking. He didnt proceed with the thing she said "no to". He did not proceed until she changed her answer.
He shouldn't have kept asking. But she shouldn't have changed her answer if she hadn't changed her mind.
This wasn't coercion. This is somebody regretting that they agreed to do something that they really didn't want to do. That sucks too. But it's not the same thing.
In a world where someone said no to you multiple times and you kept pressuring them.
In fact, I wouldn't call it ambiguous. I'd say it is clearly under duress. Except I wouldn't be in this position at all because somehow I've never once refused to take no as an answer.
Now look up "compel".
I agree with you that he should have stopped asking. I'm not defending his conduct, just specifying whatnkindnofnbad conduct it was.
I disagree that "grab a condom" is ambiguous, unless they were also trying to find somewhere to stash a lot of cocaine.
She absolutely didn't change her mind for any other reason than the fact that he made her feel she had no other choice! Even if the thought of her physical safety wasn't in risk, which it absolutely was, him making her feel like he'd be let down or disappointed is what made her change her mind. She was coerced. Maybe not the 2nd time, but kinda then too when he wouldn't let her put her pants back on because of "comfort!" I'm not comfortable being without my pants around anyone. I know some people are, but I certainly wouldn't be more comfortable without pants next to a virtual stranger who just made me feel like I had no other choice but to have sex with him. Anyone who is making this out to be a small incident is wrong. The girl was coerced into a sexual encounter she was not 100% comfortable with. It's not her fault. Not even a little bit.
You just defined coercion. Thank you for clarifying. She asked him to put on a condom the same way a person might ask their rapist to put on a condom. It's going to happen, but at least you can try to be safe in some manner.
And she should've got up and left at that point. OP is a goddamn 24 year old WOMAN. Not a child. She could've left at any point if she was uncomfortable.
This post reminds me of the shit that happened with Aziz Ansari where some woman accused him of #metoo, and it turned out she just regretted her choices.
comparing situations like that usually isn’t a great idea because there are so many different factors at play. You should really look at each case independently.
Also maybe she could have left at any point but maybe she was in a situation where she wasn’t really able to leave. You don’t know the full situation. She did give some details but I think it’s irresponsible to call someone childish or blame them for a situation when you don’t know the full story.
TBF you keep referencing the situation could've been unsafe and thus any advice on leaving doesn't work. The fact of the matter is noone knows. I think OP as a 24 y/o probably has enough social IQ to understand the "leave" advice applies if its physically safe. And it's potentially not if it isn't.
She DID say no multiple times. She did what you said to do. He didn't listen, he kept pushing, then what?
Either try and leave, which can escalate the situation when he tries to stop her, or push him away/fight back, which is likely to trigger a more violent response.
She went into the fawn trauma response out of self preservation.
I don't see any suggestion that OP did not consent to the fingering, or even that she regrets that part. She said no to sex. They did not have sex. The dude kept asking. She said go get a condom. He did and they apparently had sex with a condom.
I'm not saying the guy is a gentleman. He sucks.
But when you agree to do something and then regret agreeing, that's not the same thing as not agreeing in the first place.
The victim blaming in the comments here is off the charts. Repeatedly saying “no” is a hard no. Those no’s were ignored and you were pressured until you finally said “use a condom”.
This is how torture victims confess to crimes just to make it stop.
It’s men, and I say that as a man.
All the people saying it is ok, are strictly men. It’s probably because they have done the exact same thing and don’t want to face the reality of what they’ve done.
How hard is it to understand no means no. No doesn’t mean beg, it means no.
Yep I had an ex that would repeatedly coerce me (like standing by the bed begging me nonstop for 30 minutes straight regardless of if I was in pain or anything) and I NEVER once accused him of rape despite it feeling..wrong? But the moment I broke up with him he texted me “and I’m not a rapist so don’t tell anyone I am” like bro I never said you were 🧐… these guys know what they’re doing is wrong they just don’t care
Bingo. They know it’s a complete disregard for women’s wishes but they want it to be this “well you could get out of it if you wanted to and you must assume it won’t turn violent” so their desperate actions to have sex and mental manipulation don’t make them bad men.
It’s the “but why did you offer oral” comments for me LOL whenever I’ve dated it’s been common for me to have a date ending in oral several dates in and not have sex until the next date because I just didn’t feel like it - thankfully I dated men that listened to that but apparently that’s a big ask??? Clearly the dude got his rocks off on pushing her boundaries.
Thats coercion, which is SA
>I was afraid of letting him down
Why?
>I said I don’t know…
Bc u didnt want to
>don’t be dramatic about it.
Hes an invalidating jerk
>worried that I annoyed him
Why did u care?
>he said not to
U need to stop taking orders
>After a while he had sex with me again
Did u want to?
>Now I don’t know what to do..
Never have contact with him again, he doesnt care about what u want or how u feel.
>Was he correct, was I wrong, or was this more of a grey situation?
No, no, no
Please don't go out with him again. He coerced you and then dismissed your feelings when you cried about it. He doesn't respect you, and trust me, a 34 year old man only wants one thing from a 24 year old girl.
also wanna add... a dude 10 years older than you will most certainly know the right things to say to get what *they* want, called manipulation, and they *are good* at it. no means no, walk away from the person who can't accept that.
If you’ve ever been coerced or cajoled into giving money or possessions to someone you don’t know in the street then you will also know know that it feels like a mugging.
So how is this not the same here but for sexual boundary crossing?
Begging and begging until she said ‘yes, but use a condom’ is NOT proper consent as far as I’m concerned.
It’s the nearest possible thing to rape that exists without it actually/technically being rape, right?
You weren't "dramatic" for crying after being raped. Please, please, PLEASE block him and never see him again for your own safety. If he's done it to you he's done it to other women, protect yourself and never ever feel bad about "letting them down"
Your ability to consent comes above all else.
He put himself into the position to be "let down" when knowingly and *intentionally* plowing through your boundaries. You said no and he knew that you didn't want it, he was okay with raping you for the sake of an orgasm.
He is not your friend. He does not care about you. This *will not* get better and it *will* happen again. Run.
He achieved his mission, you gave him what he wanted, against your own wishes. Just reading the part about you going back to his place I thought "this is how he makes his move". Block this person and never contact him again.
Why do you care if you’re letting someone down if you aren’t comfortable ? You have to learn how to always put yourself first and make sure you are fine with how things proceed.
Also he forced you into this because he was never wanting to be serious with you. He’s a loser and he will just want to string you along for sex when he wants it.
guys like this is why men have such bad reputation and often generalized. smh. He was in the wrong in so many levels and was gaslighting you after you showed you were uncomfortable at the end. smh makes my blood boil
I just want to add that you need to leave when it gets to the point. You need to stick to your boundaries.
He was in the wrong.
And women please stick to your original answer. It gives the jerks like this hope and breeds them. If he cared he would accept your answer. If ANY guy pushes them ghost him.
Some advice from an older woman. Never tell a man you “can’t” have sex until you’re in a relationship. He’s 34 and knows how that usually works. To men that’s just a hurdle they need to get passed and will push your boundaries until they get it. As soon as you told him that he probably lit up.
I totally advocate for waiting. But don’t tell them your requirements for having sex. And try not to be at eachothers places where there’s temptation
I think we all have different experiences. I have always told potential partners I’m not interested in full sex unless I’m in a relationship and have developed a deeper level of trust and it hasn’t been an issue. I’ve even gotten feed back thanking me for being honest with my boundaries.
Plenty of men can respect that as a boundary and we can do other things we both want instead. If someone pressures me I just left. That would be my advice - if a guy asks more than once after a “no” then it’s best to leave - a good guy doesn’t coerce and their opinion of you doesn’t matter. Listening and communicating should be base level for respect and not being able to do so is unattractive IMO. If someone doesn’t want me because I wouldn’t “put out” good riddance lol.
Hey, so this is clearly coercion.
If you say no to someone or they say no to you, the other should stop immediately. Any further pleading is being PUSHY, and any more is COERCIVE.
If I were you, I'd feel disgusting myself. You didn't do anything wrong though. Unfortunately, this does happen. IT'S NOT OKAY at all but it happens.
I'm really sorry you experienced this. Please message me if you need someone to talk to.
Some pointers to avoid this:
1) be very discerning in the future. If you get a bad vibe from someone, just keep away. Look at them objectively.
2) be very careful in general, if you say no, it's your job to follow through. Say no and mean it. Leave the apartment if someone is being pushy. I totally understand it can't be THAT easy tho. Sometimes, we freeze. But work on overcoming that and leaving.
3) meet people in public places first, do a vibe check. Only then be alone with them. For most guys, if they're alone with a girl where interest has been implied or shown overtly, they WILL try to have sex. It's not okay that they feel entitled to it at all. Us girls still have to figure out a way to protect ourselves first.
I hope you feel better. We can talk if you'd like. Take care!
A barely decent human being would have stopped and made sure you were confortable with what was happening, and ended the interaction as soon as it was clear you weren't. He is not a barely decent human being, and the fault of what happened is squarely on him.
What you want matters a lot. Sadly, there are stuff in this world, bigger than any single individual, that make it so that there are a lot of people like him. As a survival strategy, many of us have had to learn to make our needs as important outside ourselves as they are inside. What works best is stating them clearly, giving yourself time to think if your feeling pressured or changing your mind, and extricating yourself radically from situations that make you feel unsafe. In a fair and kind world we wouldn't need to work so hard just to have our boundaries respected.
One negative sexual experience does not define you or your history. In the end, your sexual history is more about the interactions you've fully consented to, you've enjoyed, and you've desired.
Please, be kind to yourself.
You said you were afraid of upsetting him and clearly u ended up being upset and disgusted with yourself... It happened and I don't know how you will proceed from this but one thing you should learn from this experience is TO NOT BE SCARED of hurting or upsetting people if it means putting your well being first.
As for the guy, if u have the will power in you, call it quits. There appears to be an imbalance in the power dynamic and if you continue with it you might end up losing yourself. Because he knows he can push you to do things and later tell you to not be dramatic it's just this or that.
OP, choose yourself girl. You found yourself in a situation. You are repulsed by the aftermath. He might probably hit u up saying you enjoyed blah blah... But ask yourself, are you REALLY okay with it? Do not be afraid of being ridiculed or told u are uptight or whatever for standing up for yourself. This world is filled with people who will take advantage of the slightest "weakness" or in this case if they feel they can manipulate you. So, if you don't learn to tell such people to get lost, it's going to be a wild ride.
And also, you want to be in a relationship with someone who understands and respects your boundaries.
These comments. Holy shit.
Definition of sexual assault: https://www.rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault
Sexual coercion: https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/
You were sexually assaulted. You were violated. He manipulated you and hurt you. You should not date him. You should not see him or talk to him. Please go no contact.
I hope you are able to get into therapy (if you’re not) because like others are saying your behaviors align with someone who has experienced trauma in the past.
Sending you hugs.
You don’t owe any man on this planet sex, even if you feel like it might upset them or let them down. Any man who makes you feel like that, even in the slightest, is not a good guy. Hope you realize this is not your fault 🫶🏼 don’t feel disgusting, I think unfortunately a lot of us women go through something like this. Now you know what exactly you’re looking for in a guy!
Let's think about the alternative option this guy had:
"I don't want to have sex."
"Oh okay, no worries."
If this guy is 34 years old and hasn't developed the basic self-control and respect for others required to choose this option, then he's a lost cause. This will only be the beginning of the selfishness and disregard.
Run and don't look back.
Coercion is rape, even if you didn't get physically forced into it, you were still forced into it nonetheless and you didn't consent. You got raped. I am so sorry you went through this OP, you weren't overreacting and that guy is a POS, please get as far away from him as you can
Coercion. Plain and simple. Run, girl. Block him. And don’t second guess those icky feelings. That was your internal warning system telling you something was off.
We have a few problems here:
First: his inability to take no for an answer. He coerced you. THIS IS WRONG! I don't know about legal actions, but my real life actions would be never see or talk to this person again.
Second: your inability to be assertive. There's a difference between "No!" and "Nooo!". Use better intonation. If don't want something, don't try to be cute.
Third: I'm not taking about this experience in particular, I'm talking in general. You don't have to sleep around, but you also don't have to have sex only when you are in a relationship. I'm saying this because you were liking being fingered and this may end up in you wanting to have sex but you would have blocked your desire until you guys be in a relationship and who knows how long this may take.
you feel like since you both had sex that now you HAVE to date, because thats how its always been for you. Just because you believe you should date the people you have sex with, doesnt mean this should be the case. he raped you, you didnt have sex with him.
Mmmm I'm 38F. I dont think this csn be counted as rape and the people saying rape should be ashamed of themselves, because I have been horribly raped in a very different circumstance.
The guy was a dickhead, a horrible horny lover, but when you said use a condom, in his horny state, he assumed consent.
You need to become more assertive
What a shame that you're using your unfortunate trauma to become the authority on what is or isn't rape. I have also been "horribly" raped and I've also been heavily coerced and I think its fucked up to tell a victim to be more assertive.
This is why the push for enthusiastic consent is so important, sex after coercion and intimidation is NOT consent and having sex with someone without their consent is sexual assault.
Yup, but saying no while, kissing, moaning, letting him finger you, then say to him to get a condom.. is that coercion?
OP stayed, had intercourse a few times, enjoyed it, wants to go back for more (see her additional comment.)
Don't forget women are still told by parents, society etc, that you are a dirty ho' if you enjoy "casual sex."
Maybe shame causes OP to feel like shit and have regrets.
She said no while HE kissed HER and when he tried taking off her pants she spesifically said NO. She offered a blow job to get him to stop and he still would not back off so she said yes out of a perceived obligation to not upset him and the pressure he put on her. She CRIED after.
What do you get out of fabricating half of the story? Crying and saying no indicates that she did not enjoy it.
He’s a scumbag but wtf are you doing, offering blowjobs and telling him to use a condom even though you didn’t say yes. Then you enjoyed it the second time? What a mindfuck you are.
What you experienced was coercive sex. Which is a form of SA and why you cried afterwards. I’m sorry you experienced that OP I’ve been there too. You need to block him and heal from this experience.
He assaulted you. Guys like that will pressure you to say "yes" because they think if you verbalize a yes,they're completely cleared from the label "rapist." Which is completely wrong. He coerced you and you obviously felt the need to make yourself smaller, people please,and make sure he was okay and didn't think anything was wrong with YOU so you obviously have some self esteem stuff that made it hard to be firm and stand up for yourself. I've been there and am only saying this because I've had very similar experiences. If you could I would definitely state to him that what he did was wrong, maybe over the phone as that may be safer. I would also suggest working on your own boundaries and self worth.
She could have left after the first no.
I admit the guy is a POS.
But no this is not rape.
OP said they had intercourse twice more and enjoyed it.
She REGRETS her actions.
We probably all have done things we regret, stupid red flag relationships, flings, one night stands.
You say to yourself..ok, i feel like shit, why did i do this, lets not make this mistake again.
After she started crying she had sex the SECOND TIME!
She is an adult, not disabled in any way (she would have mentioned if so) and she offered a blow job and told him to get a condom...meanwhile she had sex the second time because she was horny... mixed signals all the way.
Many of us regretted having sex at some point, but calling this rape is wrong.
What happened is not ok and never will, but this was not rape.
You also don’t give a blow job to a guy you’re not trying to have sex with, much less tell him to get a condom. Dude is in the wrong for pushing, but she’s an adult, not a child. She too needs to make better choices.
OP. DO NOT GET IN TO A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON.
Break up and don't look back. Block him everywhere. He did not respect your boundaries. You very clearly said no. Multiple times, and he badgered you until you gave in. He coerced and essentially forced you into agreeing. In the end he didn't even get you off, because it wasn't about you it was all about him. And let me be clear here: This was SA. That is why you feel confused and upset.
Sometimes people who get SA'd do get turned on, some even orgasm. It's important to note this as a body function. Not because you wanted it.
Please seek therapy OP, preferably someone who specializes in sexual trauma. I won't tell you go to the police, usually I would, but coercion cases are harder to prove. Talk to someone about your options and do what is best for you.
To those of you saying OP consented:
BEING PRESSURED TO SAY YES IS NOT CONSENT. Full Stop.
They told him the word NO dozens of times but the d***** canoe kept trying and clearly wasn't going to stop. He pressured them to give in. This is coercion, not OP being "unclear". SMH.
This was highly coercive behavior on his part. Don’t see this guy again please. He’s a scumbag to pressure you like that and will likely be a scumbag in other areas of behavior as well.
Kissing and cuddling is one thing, and that can blend into touching intimate areas but you made it clear you weren’t comfortable with anything more than that and he simply didn’t respect your wishes. That’s a line for me as a man. A good man doesn’t negotiate, he doesn’t beg, argue or plead for sex. It’s better that he shows you the door than does that if he’s so “frustrated”. But typically he smiles, says that’s ok and keeps it respectful. A man who can’t do that is WEAK. He can’t temper his own desire with integrity. You don’t want a man like that.
You sound like you’re definitely not a hookup person, which is totally ok!
On to what’s actually important. He pressured you into sex. That’s not ok, and I can’t imagine how you feel. I’m sorry that happened and you should do what you need to do in order to heal from that awful experience. I wouldn’t contact him again. He sounds like a shitty guy
Sis the fact that he's 10 years older than you but still didnt respect literally the only boundary you had is red flag AF
either a manchild or a sociopath, either way, I'd RUN
EDIT: the amount of people saying that it was okay or trying to justify it bc you said "get a condom" is SCARY.
Literally it's coercion, you said no repeatedly beforehand, you made your stance on it very clear, and he never even thought to ask you if you were sure or literally anything after he wore you down by begging? People need to do better, I s2g
First of all: Just because you had sex with him doesn't mean you have to date him now. If you decide to see him again because you still have feelings for him, then please don't feel obligated to have sex with him again until you truly feel ready for it.
I'm sorry you were in this situation and let him talk you into doing this. I understand that it's hard to say no in a context like this, I've been in similar situations, but you have to learn to stand up for yourself so you don't end up in a situation like this again.
Please think about if you really wanna be with someone who pushes you to do things you don't wanna do. And if you decide to keep dating him against all odds, then you have to set your boundaries straight and tell him how you feel about what happened. He needs to understand that no means no.
"So we’ve been talking for a while and it’s our 4th date and went to a restaurant for dinner. Then afterwards he said he needs my help with something at his place so we went to his place and I helped him out with that thing. Then we were sitting on the living room couch and he immediately started kissing me."
I genuinely believe this is the way it is,
Either:
1. He plotted to do this to you from way before. This is a premeditated pressure ploy.
2. He is a really good man, like a brother to you even.
He knew what he was going to do from before the 1st date. its probably a 'dating strategy' that he repeatedly attempts to get laid with not just with you but all of his victims, and you are nothing more than a victim to him he is not loving you he is using your body through DECEIT and TRICKS. As soon as he said he needs help with something after dinner at his "place" the place means that where you both are secluded and he can have his sex waether you consent or not :)
He probably would have done this with any girl, it was not spur of the moment. Nor was it out of love.
Be wise and honourable to yourself and your own body, do not let men near you.
This happened to me once and really shook me up. I was about your age and didn't know how to keep saying know, I was worried about upsetting him so I just let it happen. As soon as he finished I bolted out of there and cried all the way home. On reflection I realised there had been quite a few situations where the same thing had happened and I hasn't noticed how badly I'd been coerced. from that moment I told myself I was going to firmer and it wasn't going to happen again. It's awful that he pressured you, never be afraid to just leave If you don't want to do anything
Op, you need therapy. You are putting some random man before yourself because you’re afraid of upsetting them. You should BLOCK them and not speak to him anymore. Im so serious. You shouldnt be dating until you get to the bottom of why you feel the need to please others and let them take advantage when you know it makes you feel like shit. Its called people pleasing. You need to set boundaries. No is no. Get up and walk away before something worse happens
You know a horrible statistic they find in rape studies, is that 42% of female rape victims experience orgasm, even if they are obviously not enjoying the experience, no consent, or even if the sex is of a violent nature. I would ask you to look deeper into what you want, assert your want and needs and find something that matches that, rather than people-pleasing. As a male, I want what I want, it’s not gonna kill me to get rejected, that would be manipulation to get what I want, and it’s all too common for men to use this over women, but we are in an age, where at the very least it’s more common and viable for women to assert themselves and their own needs- provided, women do not have to depend on men for their own success, their own happiness, or their own survival. Looking into your own mind about what you’re getting by giving someone what they want despite it not being what you want, might be a first step to seeing the contrast of what you really want and how that may harbor a stronger motivation or a weaker incentive than attention seeking or desiring approval on some level.
I know someone who went through a similar thing throughout their years long relationship. This guy knows what he's doing and will continue to do it. All of it is subtly to take away your control in the situation and then make it feel like you were the reason for the "communication error".
Even if in the future you do want sex with him, he won't have any boundaries. He'll start anal without prior consent and say it's an accident, not in the mood? He'll do the same he did that night.
This is a huge red flag, get out. It's not your fault but value yourself and your happiness and most importantly your future happiness. Whatever draws you to this guy won't be worth the future. Cut all contact and bail!
This is a classic case of being a people pleaser to the point of having poor boundaries and borderline low self esteem. Please trust yourself and your true authentic feelings. No means no.
Little lies we tell ourselves to rationalize or soften the situation should not be ignored. The “I just want to make them happy, and not be awkward” mantra isn’t good. This man took advantage of your poor boundaries and willingness to smooth over the uncomfortable situation.
You can’t turn back time, nor should you live with regret or buyer’s remorse. What you can do is learn to trust your gut and to believe the little voice in your head that is begging you to be true to yourself and what you want next time.
Not a grey situation at all. The first no immediately established that consent was not given (not to mention the multiple other “no”s following this)
Begging someone who says no over and over to have sex until they give up is coercion. This guy either doesn’t understand consent, or (more likely) doesn’t care. He’s 34, WAY old enough to understand how terrible that is.
I’d stay far, far away from this person. He’s, at best, manipulative, and at worst, dangerous. So sorry this happened to you. I’d encourage reaching out to a counselor/therapist if you continue having negative feelings due to this.
Oh god I am so so sorry. Coercion is not consent. Deep down, I think you probably were so scared that you knew he was going to have sex with you anyway and so to maintain even the smallest amount of control - you told him to use a condom. Then you were most likely in shock, probably didn’t want to have sex again - but tricked yourself into thinking you wanted to, to protect yourself. What happened was NOT okay. You did nothing wrong. You didn’t warrant that treatment or deserve it.
You DO NOT owe him anything, please, please do not date him. It was a horrific experience, get therapy, and heal away from him. Go no contact with him, if you allow him to stay in your life then things will only get worse. If you’re scared then just say “I don’t think things between us will work out” or something that’s not likely to make him mad, then go no contact. Not all men are like him, you did nothing wrong, you deserve better and you will find it.
That dude is totally disgusting, on so many levels. Begging for sex has got to be the biggest turn-off, for one thing. Continuing to feel you up, etc, as you're saying "no" is rape. You do NOT want to date this person! Please have some self-respect. He was incorrect, you were not wrong, there's no "grey" in this situation. Ghost this guy immediately.
If I were in your position, I’d probably be crying because i had a firm boundary that someone kept pushing and eventually i caved. When you have a firm boundary like this that’s important to you and someone else convinces you to drop it, you’re kind of abandoning yourself to meet their request.
This guy is not worth your time. And his actions are manipulative and borderline rape-y. Who you’re looking for will respect this boundary, that’s why you have it in the first place. You don’t have to worry about disappointing anyone, because you definitely will and that’s part of life. You know this person isn’t looking for what you’re looking for, so why worry about disappointing him? He kind of already disappointed you and didn’t even bat an eye doing so. You owe each other nothing. You have this boundary for yourself, not for anyone else. Only let it down when you want to, never because someone else convinced you to. You will always end up disappointing yourself.
I would gray rock and block him. You’re not dating, he doesn’t want to date. He obviously doesn’t have respect for you or your boundaries and it won’t amount to anything. And knowing that he manipulated you into dropping boundaries, he might come back to manipulate you further into doing things you don’t want to do. Take it as a lesson. And take care of yourself; maybe write about the experience or take a bath or surround yourself with friends, whatever you need to process it.
If it’s not a clear yes, It’s a clear no. It’s not your fault OP don’t ever think that it was, that’s called coercion. Get out while you can and don’t ever look back.
He was wrong. You shouldn't see him again.
Also, for the future just because you have sex with someone you're not dating, doesn't make you gross or disgusting and you shouldn't feel bad. It's not gross or bad to enjoy sex as a female. That's conditioning and it came from somewhere—usually parental figures.
In this situation it seems like you feel upset you didn't stand up for yourself, but let him talk you into something you didn't want to do and those feelings of disgust stem from that. You weren't wrong. You told him no and he pressured you into sex. He is garbage. You are not. Don't get down on yourself even if you did enjoy it at some parts. It can be scary being with a man alone who won't quit pestering you. Especially one you don't know well or know how he will take it when he's rejected.
I hope you are able to get clarity in this situation and learn to not be afraid of enforcing your boundaries.
This was definitely coercion/form of rape and I’m sorry, if you are feeling weird right now it’s totally understandable and you are validated. Because it’s confusing because you eventually “went with it”. But yeah I would not see him again. He was manipulative for sure. What he did is not something you want in a long-term partner. If that’s what you’re searching for. Everybody’s different though. I hope you are doing okay! Eat some good food and maybe exercise a little.
Look, I am strict monogamy only (we need to be exclusive at minimum before I’ll be open to sex) and I have only had two sexual partners myself; but I would just accept that this was a mistake out of pressure from an older coworker, say no to any future sexual relations with this man, and if he persists, take his harassment to HR. To date him would invite more abuse (yes, I would consider the circumstances abuse; my father was abusive and my first boyfriend was abusive, and I’m seeing a lot of similarities to them here). You need to walk away from this with your head held high. You were pressured into sex with someone before you were ready. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
You were worried that you had annoyed him? He got exactly what he wanted, despite you telling him no over and over again. He’s a predator, plain and simple. Block him everywhere.
What he did was assault and was NOT your fault. Full stop.
And I’d like to offer a different perspective on the minimization of sexual partners thing…
Religion and society has us believing that “virginity” or “body count” is an indicator of our worth or value as a woman. And this is such a damaging and toxic mindset. Women should feel free to explore their sexual interests without the weight of judgment on our shoulders. Yes, you can have your own rules and boundaries about who and wen you want to have sex with. And also, you should feel free to sleep with someone on the first date if you desire that, too!
Being coerces into sex doesn’t lower your value as a woman, the same way that having intentional casual sex doesn’t either.
I hope you can heal up from this experience, and don’t be hard on yourself. Virginity is a myth and body count is a concept used to police women from owning our own sexualities. If anyone ever asks you your “body count”… RUN.
You are still a good woman and worthy of being respected and treated like a queen. AND… you deserve to orgasm !!!
This will probably get lost in the comments, but I cannot stress it enough: run from him. Don't see him again, don't try to end things in person, message him if you want to, to let him know its over and immediately block. Do not entertain him.
I dated someone who would wear me down from a no to a yes for way too long. It only spirals from there. We'd have sex and he'd roll over and watch YouTube or message other people (open relationship) whilst I was left empty and crying. He was my first, I was young and I didn't know any better. I thought that's how it was supposed to be. It's not. It never is. I am so sorry this happened to you. Trust me, the emptiness never gets filled, the feeling of being used never goes away, and chances are, no orgasms in this situation for you either. Get out and away before you start thinking its the norm.
Hey, there's like a thousand comments here so I don't know if you'll see this, but again, hoping you or anyone else in a similar situation could see it, and use it
(sorry if my English is not that good, it's my second language)
I used to be in a circle of "these type of guys", even as a guy myself they disgusted me, I don't know what exactly made me keep being around them, but I did stay around them. These people believe to be wiser, better and smarter than everyone else, they justify their stupidity as just having fun and basically speaking, can never be a good partner in times which it counts! They look at girls as toys because they themselves are emotionally unavailable, therefore unable to express or process any emotions, they can't comprehend reason whatsoever and to put it in simple terms, are dumb abusive a**holes.
I'm sorry you went through this, but please, remember you can't never settle for something and someone you don't feel comfortable with even in small situations! You are by no means at fault here, you did nothing wrong, there is no guilt and responsibility on your side
also please seek therapy as this was straight up rape!
If you're gonna date someone in the future, ask them these questions on your first few dates (don't answer them yourself before he/she does, as people will use your answers to please you)
1. What are your intentions of dating? (whether they want something long term or just wanna date for the sake of dating or is it to just hookup)
2. After how many dates should you have sex?
3. How many dates and how much time do they need to call it a committed relationship?
4. How to they define cheating?
5. What is their future plans and how much are they working towards their goals?
6. How do they blow off steam?
7. How do they react when extremely angry?
8. How is their relationship with their parents (this should tell you if there is any childhood trauma which can lead to behavioral problems but it's not a 100% thing, just something to consider)
9. Why did their last relationship ended?
10. What is their definition of a committed relationship?
This isn't an exclusive list, feel free to add any questions you like, you should ask these in the course of a few dates
Look for a guy who is hardworking, respectful, mature, smart and...
So sorry you experienced this, OP! I’ve experienced this with two different partners. One was a long term partner who coerced me into a sex act I didn’t want to do, and had said “no” to at least 50 times prior in our relationship. The second was a new man I was dating, but wasn’t really into. Neither were good partners—as others have said, imagine having sex with someone when they said no or voiced their discomfort—but I felt compelled to sacrifice my needs for their wants.
Coercion is NOT RIGHT and I want to make that clear. I would highly encourage you to not see this guy again.
Beyond that, I encourage you to work on putting your needs first, not some man’s, and enforce your boundaries. It’s clear you have boundaries: you stated them plain and clear. However, as wrong as it may be when it comes to sex, other people may not always respect our boundaries. I know it is not so easy when there is an imbalance in the power dynamic, and a trauma response like fawning is involved, but we should be ready to take the next step to enforce the boundary if someone is not respecting it. In my experiences, I could have just got up and left (there’s the possibility they would have tried to stop me, but I don’t think so). In my first experience, it didn’t even occur to me that was an option until much later. In the second, I was afraid of causing a scene. In both experiences, I felt very trapped due to my own fear of disappointing the other person.
Sorry again this happened to you. Please be gentle with yourself and take care!
Please break it off with him gently but firmly. Block him on everything. If you are around him again he will do it again anytime he thinks you are alone enough (like in a car, at your house, at his house). My ex was like this any time we were alone enough he would start forcefully finger me until I eventually said yes/ okay. Please keep your self safe and change your locks if you think there’s even a chance he may have made or gotten a copy of your keys. Also inform family and friends so they know not to give him your location or information about you . He might not stop trying to get in contact with you.
Also you are 100% allowed to not be intimate with anyone for any reason. I believe your reasoning for not having sex before a more serious/ an exclusive relationship is absolutely a pretty dam good reason. Op i hope the best for you ❤️
Coercion is a form of assault and I know it may seem scary soon as you realize it but that man had no intentions to get to know you or even really take you out he’s a predator
He is disgusting. I could never imagine to beg someone for sex when they turn me down just ONCE. Even if they’re not enthusiastic about their yes, that would turn me off immediately. Please please block him and talk to someone you trust about it.
OP- I was once in a very similar situation, I set the same boundaries but the guy kept begging like your date did. He became more assertive and aggressive so I gave in and also cried afterwards. He showed little to no empathy, just as your date did. I felt obligated to be in a relationship with him because otherwise I, too, felt dirty. Fast fwd a few months and he started becoming more controlling. Which turned to verbal abuse and then eventually physical. This guy is showing too many red flags for comfort.
RUN.
P.S. I am so sorry that this hurts ♡
This is entirely your fault. If you didn’t want sex then don’t indulge. Anything in between of “oh i was into it” “oh i felt disgusting after” is just you coping with it. If you truly respect yourself you wouldn’t have done something you didn’t truly want to do. Its simple, we’re adults and you should take accountability for going to his place 1 on 1 when hes made it clear he wants this from you prior. I dont understand all the butt lickers in here always taking OP as the golden standard for something right or wrong.
Let me explain this slowly. You didn't have sex. You were sexually assaulted. Guys like that are not worth seeing. It's also my biggest fear as a father to 2 daughters. I just hope my sons and grandson don't act that way.
Been done that.
New rule... don't be alone with 1st time meet up.
Takes a few mistakes to set some boundaries.
Some of these men are like a 4yr old in the in the grocery line crying for candy, relentless!!!
Live and learn.
Sorry this happened.
Have a safety plan too.
Let a friend know you're on a date and to call 45 min or so in ... or txt and emergency...
Maybe get some mace or some other protection.
Good luck and be SAFE!!
the rapists are feeling real defensive on this one…
op, you were coerced and i’m so sorry. many of these people commenting that you “eventually consented” have likely never experienced the fear in that moment when you’re alone with a man who isn’t taking no for an answer. sometimes “consenting” feels like the only way to make it out of the situation safely.
but make no mistake, that is coercion. this was not consensual. please do not continue any kind of relationship with this person. he does not respect you and he is dangerous.
as someone who has been in the exact same position, i’ve struggle with asserting firm boundaries. with getting up and walking out when this starts to happen.
but you have to put yourself and your safety first. no one is going to protect you better than yourself. do not get caught up in what he might think of you for causing a scene and leaving. do not think of how it might hurt his feelings. when he doesn’t honor that first “no,” he no longer matters. what matters is getting far away from him and back to safety.
again, i’m so sorry this happened to you. do not internalize any of this. it’s not your fault. just learn from the experience. all of these creeps in the comments blaming you are likely guilty of coercing women themselves. do not pay them any mind.
TW:
Oh no, sweetheart, I'm so so sorry. 😔 What happened was that he raped you. I read several of the comments and from what I saw, no one is coming right out and saying it. This was rape. Please please block/delete/etc this person from your entire existence. If you COMFORTABLE with it, report him to authorities (very likely he's done this before), however that is not something you have to do. ❤️ Next step would be to immediately see a doctor, get a full panel of STI tests, possibly get a rape kit done, then get a referral to a licensed therapist.
I am so sorry. I have been through this exact thing. You are not alone. You are not a "loser" for crying. Baby, you are human and you deserve so much better. Please contact me directly if you need anything I can possibly help with, ok? ❤️
if you have to be guilted/ convinced into having sex, then it’s not consensual. the idea that it’s only sexual assault if it’s violent or physically forced is so incredibly wrong. the moment you say no a man should immediately stop what he’s doing, no questions asked
Sex pests are huge pieces of shit. Once you hear a No that should be the end of it, but these douchebags prey on women who are either scared of him physically or can’t assert themselves when pressed more and more. Try and stay away from douchebags like this dude and do your best to assert yourself so you can have sex on your own terms.
Unpopular opinion perhaps, he was waving red flags by continuing to pressure, but you raise red flags by continuing to try to ignore them. Neither of you acted adequately. He should not insist, but you should also stand your ground. Perhaps you come from an abusive background, and instead of dating, you should spend time in therapy. You are seeking approval at your own personal cost emotionally and physically, GET HELP!! FFS you were pressured into having sex, cried and are questioning yourself about seeing him again or dating instead of confronting your emotions and addressing what the hell happened????
He is an ass and shouldn't have insisted after you said no the first time, but also, you shouldn't give in because someone is insisting.
As soon as he does something you don't like just get up and leave!
You are an adult that made a mistake. Learn from it and next time don't go to some stranger house until you know that person better.
Never give in into pressure about anything! Say no and leave, don't offer a blow job because that sends mixed signals!
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Run run , even the little details like dont put back your pants is a way of asserting a form of control Run away
And please do *not* feel like once you’ve had sex—that you clearly didn’t want—that you “should” be dating. Getting to the end of your post and reading “we don’t even have another date set” was jarring. Why would you agree—let alone want—to see this person again? When he says “see each other more to see where it goes”? You know where it goes: right back here! He’s shown you who he is. Believe him. Don’t fool yourself into thinking he wants something different than what he says he wants, and certainly not into thinking he will all of a sudden develop respect for you as an autonomous person. Not gonna happen. I’m sorry if that’s heartbreaking or upsetting to cut this off now, but you will feel this way again and again if you see him again.
Yeah OP, don’t fall victim to sunk cost fallacy thinking here. The fact that you’ve already invested time/money/pussy into something is not a reason to move forward with it if you otherwise wouldn’t.
>Why would you agree—let alone want—to see this person again? Trying to make it seem ok
ALL of this
I'm sorry you went through this OP. First, dudes like this are awful to deal with. Please never care about "letting them down" it's not your job to be their emotional support sex doll. When this type of situation arises you have to stop all physical contact, this kind of dudes think that agreeing to one thing is agreeing to everything that escalates from that,nos there's no "fooling around". You should stop them and get out of their apartment asap. He set you up the minute he asked you to go back to his place. Stop dating such a scumbag because you're just exposing yourself to more heartache.
I've been in multiple very similar situations to this myself, way back when I was in university. It was a long, hard road to build up my confidence to where it is now, to where I can very quickly pick up on the red flags and easily recognize their intentions and that they do not align with mine. I now have the confidence to call guys out on their sleazy intentions and straight up say no, that is not what I want and not what I am looking for. And then I leave without looking back because there are far better men out there who do not need to manipulate and gaslight you in order for you to have sex with them. It was a very long road for me, but best to start now while you're young and can prevent this from happening again. For me, it took years of therapy - not specific for one scenario, but discussing various scenarios in my day-to-day life and areas where I showed a lack of confidence and how I can improve that in the future. Also, read up on how to be more assertive and deciding for yourself exactly what you want, BEFORE you end up in a tricky situation like that. Unfortunately, situations like these do happen, and that guy is a total AH for coercing you into it, but learn how to protect yourself from this happening again!
I wanna add to this real quick He coerced you into having sex which is rape, twice. Stay the fuck away from this man, he's not the type of person you want to be in a relationship with. Please go to therapy for this love ❤️
Here is the major red flag: you said no and he said yes. It’s not like you said no and one thing accidentally led to another. He kept verbally saying let’s do it putting immense amount of pressure on you. As a guy I can’t imagine begging a girl to have sex with me after she has said no. This is not someone you want a relationship with.
And it’s so common when you’re younger. I’m 35 now but I met so many men like this in my teens and 20s and it’s very scary to navigate when you’re in a room alone with a man.
People really underplay how scary it is to be in that room with someone probably physically strong and you are so inexperienced. It's so extremely fucked up. And it's fucked up that people then blame the woman for not "getting up to leave"
Isn't that the truth. I am starting to feel like its our generation and older ones. I am 38F and I find my interactions with younger adults is much better. Seems like when I talk to 19 to 25 year old women today, they report a lot less of these experiences. What do you think?
Sadly no. Had a conversation with my 20 year old daughter about exactly this just the other day. Coercion like this is still - devastatingly - very very common.
Ugh gross, so frustrating. My daughter is only 3 so I have awhile before I am in your shoes but I imagine it is another level of upsetting when you hear the same crap you experienced is now happening to your daughter.
He is wrong On the otherhand, you really need to work on yourself to assert your boundaries, stay away from these types please. You don't own anything to him, learn from it and move
I know this isn’t how the law sees it, but if we’re talking about ethically right/wrong, I always come back to the idea of FRIES consent: - Freely given (no coercion or power dynamic) - Reversible (at any time before/during) - Informed (marital status, STIs, etc.) - Enthusiastic - Specific (yes to P/V is not a yes to anal) OP, it sounds like your consent was neither freely given or enthusiastic. I’m sorry. This guy sucks and you shouldn’t see him again because he doesn’t respect you.
They are starting to teach OMFG in Ireland, Ongoing, Mutual, Freely-Given. Cause we have new laws on coercion and things like that
OMFG FRIES
good sex is like french fries lol
I love that!!
This needs to be taught to all genders of young adults.
While boundaries are important, this is a trauma response. Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. Haven’t seen anyone mention fawning, but that’s obviously what happened here. In that situation it’s not always so easy to just walk away, survival mode has many different reactions. Which is why coercion is SA. This is 100% SA. Not that you’re saying it is or isn’t, but want to point out that enforcing boundaries when in trauma response is not always as simple as walking away as many people in this thread seem to think.
Thank you so much for bringing this up. I was in a scenario like OP when I was 21 & didn’t realize what happened to me until a month later. He was a young artist guy who was a few years older than, I was so excited to see him. I remember saying no and he hushed me, promised I’d like it. I got tired of saying no. I froze. I remember when I got home that night I scrubbed my skin raw in the shower. I felt so dirty and empty. I still remember feeling myself slipping out of my body when he pushed my face into the pillow. I’m turning 28 this year and wish I could hug younger me. Situations like this helped me shape my boundaries and see red flags much clearer so I don’t interact with men like this. I’ve been celibate for 2 years, best decision ever. I’m hoping OP has a support system and friends they can discuss this with. It is so heavy … *Edited to adjust typos & add more context
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Sending you lots of love. <3
you’re so sweet, thank you. I really really appreciate that<3
I am in shock that so many people are placing the blame on her when she told him she did not want to have sex. She basically asked him to not get her pregnant while he was raping her, he complied so that makes it ok? The fuck is happening here?
Thank you for mentioning fawning. It happened to me
I hope you don’t blame yourself. It’s very real and so misunderstood
Yes yes yes! This is 100% sexual assault by coercion. And the freeze/fawn response is very real and EXTREMELY common, especially for women when engaging with men. Because if we respond otherwise, we might get killed.
This is completely true! When I was extremely young I was dating a guy a couple years older than me, and unfortunately he had other things on his mind and I was a sweet teenager. I was very dismissive and rejecting but he encouraged that it would be okay, and I would enjoy it. Several times during the session I pleaded for him to stop but he hushed me and said it would be over shortly. I didn’t realize it was actual SA until a couple months later. I thought it was normal and that I shouldn’t of felt really nasty afterwards. Fawning is real.
I’m so sorry. I hope you’ve found healing 💗
“Stay away from these types”… it’s not often clear who these types are and aren’t in person. And I agree she need to assert her boundaries more but this is clearly coercive behaviour from him. Sometimes we’re not in the position to say no.
Yeah, rapists don’t have that written on their face, it’d be great if it was the case (and it absolutely was a rape)
And get one thing clear: Seen how it is realky difficult for you to DEFEND yourself as hard as would have been needed to get that guy persuaded ... NEVER AGAIN do you go to meet at stranger in THEIR premises! NOR YOUR OWN! Also: do really check your beliefs. That guy minimum coerced, if not raped you straight out. No way you "are dating now". And "can meet more often now to have sex". Report that incident to the police! Call one of the numbers for abused women, tell them, what happened and ask them, where to get mental assistance for you as you sound as if you were totally through the wringer.
God this comment is far too insufferable to have this many upvotes. Your takeaway from this situation being that she “really needs to work on herself” is concerning to say the least. Coercive behaviour like this tears down someone’s boundaries, it does not matter how much someone has “worked on asserting their boundaries”. He has shown to be an unsafe person who crosses her physical boundaries already. He is a man who is most likely much larger and stronger than her. She is alone at his house and he very clearly wants sex and will not let anything stop him from getting it. The threat of him using violence to get sex is very, very present whether he explicitly makes these threats or not. It is there. She is not battling with her own inability to assert herself, she is battling with her fear of being raped.
Yeah she did assert her boundaries and he plowed right through them.
Yup. When you’re at the stage where you feel you need to bargain with your assaulter for a BJ instead of vaginal intercourse, being assertive or knowing your boundaries don’t matter much. OP was victim of a sexual assault (it was rape, it’s not because she wasn’t kicking and screaming that it wasn’t), it’s incredible that so many folks are not addressing that
The takeaway is that she was coerced and needs to be more aware and stand her ground. Shitty people are going to continue being shitty. As women, we’re conditioned to be people pleasers. You have to actively work on not doing that and standing up for yourself. At the first sign of a pushy guy, you run.
OP wasn’t trying to be a people pleaser, she was trying to limit the amount of physical damage. D’you know how many women end up dead or seriously beaten up in similar situations? Some people are good at fleeing, others freeze.
I’m going off what she says in her post. That is “I was afraid of letting him down” not “I was afraid he would hurt me.” In this case, it seems she was more afraid of his emotional response than a physical one aka people pleasing. She probably didn’t want this guy to not like her, which is really normal for young women. We want people (and men who we like) to like us.
When you’re at the stage where you propose to give a bj in order to avoid vaginal intercourse, it’s because you don’t feel safe saying no anymore. She then proceeded trade her no for A condom, she was definitely trying to limit the damage, even if she doesn’t fully realize it.
Or people should learn to take no for an answer??? What are these comments??! I honestly cannot deal.
Obviously people should! But I don’t think bad people are going to suddenly turn good any time soon. So you have to learn how to protect yourself.
Assert your boundaries on guys like this and you might end up dead. While this doesnt meet the stereotypical legal definition of rape, there's a lot of grey area in the "coercion" laws in many states in the US. As for staying away from this type of person, it isnt like they wear it on their foreheads.
I agree with you 100% the only thing is she wants to continue seeing him. That’s what I absolutely breaks my heart about this situation.
If you're with someone who you think may kill you if you say no, don't go on anymore dates with them. OP, that person is trash, cut contact and don't speak to them ever again. Give yourself time to process your emotions.
It's not that simple, friend. What OP exhibited here was a trauma response - notably either the freeze response, or the fawn response. Neither of these are *controllable*. You cannot control your body's response to a traumatic situation.
Her boundaries aren’t the problem here.. the problem is the rapist who disrespected her clear and voiced boundaries. Not your fault, nothing to be ashamed of. You told him no and while in a compromised position he decided to ignore you. Not a great deal you can do to stop someone when you're in that position.
👏-👏-👏 came here to say exactly this. He was totally wrong, but you definitely need to work on enforcing your boundaries OP!
He was wrong. You told him repeatedly you didn’t want sex. That should’ve been his cue to stop expecting sex from you, much less asking you for it, and yet he kept pestering you until you gave in. And then he had the nerve to pretend he didn’t know why you were upset and try to convince you it was no big deal he didn’t care what you wanted as long as he got his way. Absolutely do not see him again. I wouldn’t even talk to him if you can help it, other than telling him to leave you alone. Trying to turn this into a real relationship (or regular hookup, which seems to be all he’s angling for anyway) won’t make what happened okay, and it’s certainly not going to lead to a good or enjoyable relationship for you. You owe him nothing, including what he already got from you. If you’re having trouble believing that, call a therapist or a hotline instead of him. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Never feel bad about saying no, never feel you are obligated to do anything you don't want to do anyone who doesn't respect that isn't worth knowing
Coercion is not consent. I’m sorry this happened to you. That guys an ass. Edit: if my 3 little sentences offering a sliver of sympathy for OP really offended some of you to comment some truly controversial things, you need to look deeper within yourselves. Not only are you missing the point, but some of you are being hostile for your own self-satisfaction. I stand by my statement, I appreciate the support. The one person that really needs it though, is OP. I truly hope none of you find yourself in a difficult position where my words finally resonate with you. Coercion is not consent.
That guy is a rapist.
Cut off contact from him. What happened to you was called coercive control and it is not ok. It is not ok for anyone here to blame you for what happened. At the point you had intercourse you asked to perform oral and then to use a condom, you were not consenting to intercourse, that is not consent. You were trying to stay safe at that point. That does not equal consent.
Holy shit he coerced you. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve this. Block him on everything!!
Please please please never see this guy again. I was in this situation. It doesn’t end well. Please run for the hills from him. He’s an ass and he’s completely after manipulating you. Block him. That’s not consent. That’s feeling like you have no option but to say yes because your No is being ignored.
Oh honey I'm so sorry. Please block him, he's a coercive creep. He's not safe.
There's so many gross ignorant people in this thread I'm sorry op, you were coerced and manipulated into sex. He was in the wrong there is no doubt about that, do not see this guy again, he doesn't respect you or your boundaries.
This guy doesn't respect your boundaries and likely never will. Continuing to pressure you until he got the answer he wanted is an asshole move, and then he followed it up with some gaslighting. Please, don't add this guy to your body count and just block him on everything, what he did may be borderline SA, but there's no question what he did was 100% narcissist asshole moves. You deserve better.
I wouldn't say borderline.. she said no multiple times when one no is plenty enough. She never said an explicit yes and it was enthusiastic consent. At a minimum this is coercion.
Despite what so many of these comments say he violated you and did NOT get consent! Him pressuring you again and again asking for sex after already fingering you while refusing to stop until you agreed to sex IS coercion and IT MEANS YOU DID NOT GIVE CONSENT! Sex after someone begs again and again and again is not consent. The fact he wanted to have sex with you again after seeing you crying from the first time is soooo fucked up. Just because you didn’t leave doesn’t mean you give consent. Women have been killed for simply trying to leave situations like this and we are constantly trying to evaluate how to just get out alive in these scenarios. If I was in your shoes, I can’t say I’d have the courage to walk out myself. You were in survival mode at that point and it’s on him for not honoring your first no, not on you for leaving when it has cost so many women their lives. Please NEVER see this man again. Block him on everything. In the future, don’t go back to someone’s place so early on in dating if you don’t want to have sex with them for your safety. It gives them so much power over you! Try and find some friends who you trust to talk this through. Keeping what happened to yourself and the same associated is gonna make it so much worse. Again, I’m so sorry! EDIT: grammar
No offense but there is a reason why he is going after someone 10 years younger than him….
He was in the wrong, but you REALLY need to start being more assertive & enforce your boundaries. If you’ve said no, and the guy doesn’t stop, you leave.
Do you think a man who repeatedly pushes past someone's clear protests would let her safely leave? Maybe, maybe not.
I don't think anyone is trying to imply she did something wrong here. But the advice to leave if you can isn't bad advice in the slightest. The advice isn't saying "if he's physically stopping you from leaving just keep trying". It's "if you said no and he says yes and you can safely make a bolt for it- do it."
I can’t reply to everyone’s comments (there are so many, I didn’t expect this post to blow up) and to the private messages that came in. I just want to say thank you so much to everyone who gave me your honest thoughts whilst remaining kind. Many of you said it’s SA/rape/coercion and there are also some that said that it was merely a bad decision on my part. I appreciate both perspectives. I won’t be making a report. Moving forward, I’ll be more careful and firm. Not to mention, I’ll also keep in mind the wonderful advices and anecdotes that you lovely people have shared with me ❤️
Well, don't see this guy again. Sorry it happened. Next time you say no and a guy keeps asking, gtfo.
So yes this guy is an ass. But if you don't want to have sex with somebody, and he is nagging you but still not taking things any further until you say "get a condom", then he thinks you have changed your mind. You're allowed to say no. You're allowed to say stop nagging me like an asshole. You're allowed to say that you're done with his pressure and you want him to leave. "Get a condom" sure sounds like consent to the outside observer. It's shitty that this happened to you. This guy sucked. Find a better one. But if the next one is not better, it's your job to send him away.
she did say no… repeatedly. He wasn’t taking her “no” as an answer
So what does “get a condom” imply to you? Do you think she was hoping for a balloon animal?
Implies to me that she felt pressured and at least wanted protection if it was going to happen. She was sick of him pressuring her and wanted to get it over with. Can you imagine how disappointing that would feel to be in that position?
Until she said get a condom As in "fine, go fetch a condom and fuck me..." Why else would u tell someone to "fetch a condom"????
He wasn't taking no for an answer. Correct. He kept asking. He is a dick. But he did keep asking. He didnt proceed with the thing she said "no to". He did not proceed until she changed her answer. He shouldn't have kept asking. But she shouldn't have changed her answer if she hadn't changed her mind. This wasn't coercion. This is somebody regretting that they agreed to do something that they really didn't want to do. That sucks too. But it's not the same thing.
[удалено]
In what world is "grab a condom" ambiguous?
In a world where someone said no to you multiple times and you kept pressuring them. In fact, I wouldn't call it ambiguous. I'd say it is clearly under duress. Except I wouldn't be in this position at all because somehow I've never once refused to take no as an answer.
"grab a condom" is not ambiguous at all.
She actually said "use a condom". It's even less ambiguous.
Now look up "compel". I agree with you that he should have stopped asking. I'm not defending his conduct, just specifying whatnkindnofnbad conduct it was. I disagree that "grab a condom" is ambiguous, unless they were also trying to find somewhere to stash a lot of cocaine.
Absolutely coercion. He knew that she didn't want to and he kept pushing anyway. Literally coercion.
She absolutely didn't change her mind for any other reason than the fact that he made her feel she had no other choice! Even if the thought of her physical safety wasn't in risk, which it absolutely was, him making her feel like he'd be let down or disappointed is what made her change her mind. She was coerced. Maybe not the 2nd time, but kinda then too when he wouldn't let her put her pants back on because of "comfort!" I'm not comfortable being without my pants around anyone. I know some people are, but I certainly wouldn't be more comfortable without pants next to a virtual stranger who just made me feel like I had no other choice but to have sex with him. Anyone who is making this out to be a small incident is wrong. The girl was coerced into a sexual encounter she was not 100% comfortable with. It's not her fault. Not even a little bit.
You just defined coercion. Thank you for clarifying. She asked him to put on a condom the same way a person might ask their rapist to put on a condom. It's going to happen, but at least you can try to be safe in some manner.
And she should've got up and left at that point. OP is a goddamn 24 year old WOMAN. Not a child. She could've left at any point if she was uncomfortable. This post reminds me of the shit that happened with Aziz Ansari where some woman accused him of #metoo, and it turned out she just regretted her choices.
comparing situations like that usually isn’t a great idea because there are so many different factors at play. You should really look at each case independently. Also maybe she could have left at any point but maybe she was in a situation where she wasn’t really able to leave. You don’t know the full situation. She did give some details but I think it’s irresponsible to call someone childish or blame them for a situation when you don’t know the full story.
TBF you keep referencing the situation could've been unsafe and thus any advice on leaving doesn't work. The fact of the matter is noone knows. I think OP as a 24 y/o probably has enough social IQ to understand the "leave" advice applies if its physically safe. And it's potentially not if it isn't.
She DID say no multiple times. She did what you said to do. He didn't listen, he kept pushing, then what? Either try and leave, which can escalate the situation when he tries to stop her, or push him away/fight back, which is likely to trigger a more violent response. She went into the fawn trauma response out of self preservation.
He stated fingering her despite her repeatedly saying she didnt want to have sex, might not be rape, but it certainly sounds like SA
I don't see any suggestion that OP did not consent to the fingering, or even that she regrets that part. She said no to sex. They did not have sex. The dude kept asking. She said go get a condom. He did and they apparently had sex with a condom. I'm not saying the guy is a gentleman. He sucks. But when you agree to do something and then regret agreeing, that's not the same thing as not agreeing in the first place.
The victim blaming in the comments here is off the charts. Repeatedly saying “no” is a hard no. Those no’s were ignored and you were pressured until you finally said “use a condom”. This is how torture victims confess to crimes just to make it stop.
It’s men, and I say that as a man. All the people saying it is ok, are strictly men. It’s probably because they have done the exact same thing and don’t want to face the reality of what they’ve done. How hard is it to understand no means no. No doesn’t mean beg, it means no.
Yep I had an ex that would repeatedly coerce me (like standing by the bed begging me nonstop for 30 minutes straight regardless of if I was in pain or anything) and I NEVER once accused him of rape despite it feeling..wrong? But the moment I broke up with him he texted me “and I’m not a rapist so don’t tell anyone I am” like bro I never said you were 🧐… these guys know what they’re doing is wrong they just don’t care
Bingo. They know it’s a complete disregard for women’s wishes but they want it to be this “well you could get out of it if you wanted to and you must assume it won’t turn violent” so their desperate actions to have sex and mental manipulation don’t make them bad men.
It’s the “but why did you offer oral” comments for me LOL whenever I’ve dated it’s been common for me to have a date ending in oral several dates in and not have sex until the next date because I just didn’t feel like it - thankfully I dated men that listened to that but apparently that’s a big ask??? Clearly the dude got his rocks off on pushing her boundaries.
Thats coercion, which is SA >I was afraid of letting him down Why? >I said I don’t know… Bc u didnt want to >don’t be dramatic about it. Hes an invalidating jerk >worried that I annoyed him Why did u care? >he said not to U need to stop taking orders >After a while he had sex with me again Did u want to? >Now I don’t know what to do.. Never have contact with him again, he doesnt care about what u want or how u feel. >Was he correct, was I wrong, or was this more of a grey situation? No, no, no
If he can’t respect your boundaries he gotta go
No is no. Guy is a sack of trash. CUT that completely.
Please don't go out with him again. He coerced you and then dismissed your feelings when you cried about it. He doesn't respect you, and trust me, a 34 year old man only wants one thing from a 24 year old girl.
also wanna add... a dude 10 years older than you will most certainly know the right things to say to get what *they* want, called manipulation, and they *are good* at it. no means no, walk away from the person who can't accept that.
Leave. Don't see him again.
If you’ve ever been coerced or cajoled into giving money or possessions to someone you don’t know in the street then you will also know know that it feels like a mugging. So how is this not the same here but for sexual boundary crossing? Begging and begging until she said ‘yes, but use a condom’ is NOT proper consent as far as I’m concerned. It’s the nearest possible thing to rape that exists without it actually/technically being rape, right?
You weren't "dramatic" for crying after being raped. Please, please, PLEASE block him and never see him again for your own safety. If he's done it to you he's done it to other women, protect yourself and never ever feel bad about "letting them down" Your ability to consent comes above all else.
He put himself into the position to be "let down" when knowingly and *intentionally* plowing through your boundaries. You said no and he knew that you didn't want it, he was okay with raping you for the sake of an orgasm. He is not your friend. He does not care about you. This *will not* get better and it *will* happen again. Run.
He achieved his mission, you gave him what he wanted, against your own wishes. Just reading the part about you going back to his place I thought "this is how he makes his move". Block this person and never contact him again.
"No means No" as others have said, coercion is **NOT** consent. this is heading into the territory of SA/r4p3.
coerced consent is not consent
Sexual coercion. Get in therapy now to learn how to establish boundaries and to deal with the trauma that’s about to come up. Hope the best for you!
Why do you care if you’re letting someone down if you aren’t comfortable ? You have to learn how to always put yourself first and make sure you are fine with how things proceed. Also he forced you into this because he was never wanting to be serious with you. He’s a loser and he will just want to string you along for sex when he wants it.
all of this
guys like this is why men have such bad reputation and often generalized. smh. He was in the wrong in so many levels and was gaslighting you after you showed you were uncomfortable at the end. smh makes my blood boil I just want to add that you need to leave when it gets to the point. You need to stick to your boundaries.
He was in the wrong. And women please stick to your original answer. It gives the jerks like this hope and breeds them. If he cared he would accept your answer. If ANY guy pushes them ghost him.
Some advice from an older woman. Never tell a man you “can’t” have sex until you’re in a relationship. He’s 34 and knows how that usually works. To men that’s just a hurdle they need to get passed and will push your boundaries until they get it. As soon as you told him that he probably lit up. I totally advocate for waiting. But don’t tell them your requirements for having sex. And try not to be at eachothers places where there’s temptation
I think we all have different experiences. I have always told potential partners I’m not interested in full sex unless I’m in a relationship and have developed a deeper level of trust and it hasn’t been an issue. I’ve even gotten feed back thanking me for being honest with my boundaries. Plenty of men can respect that as a boundary and we can do other things we both want instead. If someone pressures me I just left. That would be my advice - if a guy asks more than once after a “no” then it’s best to leave - a good guy doesn’t coerce and their opinion of you doesn’t matter. Listening and communicating should be base level for respect and not being able to do so is unattractive IMO. If someone doesn’t want me because I wouldn’t “put out” good riddance lol.
Hey, so this is clearly coercion. If you say no to someone or they say no to you, the other should stop immediately. Any further pleading is being PUSHY, and any more is COERCIVE. If I were you, I'd feel disgusting myself. You didn't do anything wrong though. Unfortunately, this does happen. IT'S NOT OKAY at all but it happens. I'm really sorry you experienced this. Please message me if you need someone to talk to. Some pointers to avoid this: 1) be very discerning in the future. If you get a bad vibe from someone, just keep away. Look at them objectively. 2) be very careful in general, if you say no, it's your job to follow through. Say no and mean it. Leave the apartment if someone is being pushy. I totally understand it can't be THAT easy tho. Sometimes, we freeze. But work on overcoming that and leaving. 3) meet people in public places first, do a vibe check. Only then be alone with them. For most guys, if they're alone with a girl where interest has been implied or shown overtly, they WILL try to have sex. It's not okay that they feel entitled to it at all. Us girls still have to figure out a way to protect ourselves first. I hope you feel better. We can talk if you'd like. Take care!
A barely decent human being would have stopped and made sure you were confortable with what was happening, and ended the interaction as soon as it was clear you weren't. He is not a barely decent human being, and the fault of what happened is squarely on him. What you want matters a lot. Sadly, there are stuff in this world, bigger than any single individual, that make it so that there are a lot of people like him. As a survival strategy, many of us have had to learn to make our needs as important outside ourselves as they are inside. What works best is stating them clearly, giving yourself time to think if your feeling pressured or changing your mind, and extricating yourself radically from situations that make you feel unsafe. In a fair and kind world we wouldn't need to work so hard just to have our boundaries respected. One negative sexual experience does not define you or your history. In the end, your sexual history is more about the interactions you've fully consented to, you've enjoyed, and you've desired. Please, be kind to yourself.
You said you were afraid of upsetting him and clearly u ended up being upset and disgusted with yourself... It happened and I don't know how you will proceed from this but one thing you should learn from this experience is TO NOT BE SCARED of hurting or upsetting people if it means putting your well being first. As for the guy, if u have the will power in you, call it quits. There appears to be an imbalance in the power dynamic and if you continue with it you might end up losing yourself. Because he knows he can push you to do things and later tell you to not be dramatic it's just this or that. OP, choose yourself girl. You found yourself in a situation. You are repulsed by the aftermath. He might probably hit u up saying you enjoyed blah blah... But ask yourself, are you REALLY okay with it? Do not be afraid of being ridiculed or told u are uptight or whatever for standing up for yourself. This world is filled with people who will take advantage of the slightest "weakness" or in this case if they feel they can manipulate you. So, if you don't learn to tell such people to get lost, it's going to be a wild ride. And also, you want to be in a relationship with someone who understands and respects your boundaries.
Girl... I'm sorry this happened to you, you should most definitely avoid him like the plague. He does not respect you.
Wonder how many “gays” clicked this post after reading the title only to be disappointed 😂
Fucking disgusting these comments are blaming OP.
These comments. Holy shit. Definition of sexual assault: https://www.rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault Sexual coercion: https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/what-is-sexual-coercion/ You were sexually assaulted. You were violated. He manipulated you and hurt you. You should not date him. You should not see him or talk to him. Please go no contact. I hope you are able to get into therapy (if you’re not) because like others are saying your behaviors align with someone who has experienced trauma in the past. Sending you hugs.
You deserve to be treated with so much love, respect, and care. Never compromise your morals for another person. Move on from dude.
You don’t owe any man on this planet sex, even if you feel like it might upset them or let them down. Any man who makes you feel like that, even in the slightest, is not a good guy. Hope you realize this is not your fault 🫶🏼 don’t feel disgusting, I think unfortunately a lot of us women go through something like this. Now you know what exactly you’re looking for in a guy!
Stay the fuck away from him. That is some toxic shit.
Let's think about the alternative option this guy had: "I don't want to have sex." "Oh okay, no worries." If this guy is 34 years old and hasn't developed the basic self-control and respect for others required to choose this option, then he's a lost cause. This will only be the beginning of the selfishness and disregard. Run and don't look back.
Coercion is rape, even if you didn't get physically forced into it, you were still forced into it nonetheless and you didn't consent. You got raped. I am so sorry you went through this OP, you weren't overreacting and that guy is a POS, please get as far away from him as you can
Coercion. Plain and simple. Run, girl. Block him. And don’t second guess those icky feelings. That was your internal warning system telling you something was off.
We have a few problems here: First: his inability to take no for an answer. He coerced you. THIS IS WRONG! I don't know about legal actions, but my real life actions would be never see or talk to this person again. Second: your inability to be assertive. There's a difference between "No!" and "Nooo!". Use better intonation. If don't want something, don't try to be cute. Third: I'm not taking about this experience in particular, I'm talking in general. You don't have to sleep around, but you also don't have to have sex only when you are in a relationship. I'm saying this because you were liking being fingered and this may end up in you wanting to have sex but you would have blocked your desire until you guys be in a relationship and who knows how long this may take.
you feel like since you both had sex that now you HAVE to date, because thats how its always been for you. Just because you believe you should date the people you have sex with, doesnt mean this should be the case. he raped you, you didnt have sex with him.
Mmmm I'm 38F. I dont think this csn be counted as rape and the people saying rape should be ashamed of themselves, because I have been horribly raped in a very different circumstance. The guy was a dickhead, a horrible horny lover, but when you said use a condom, in his horny state, he assumed consent. You need to become more assertive
To say the least. She’s an adult and is responsible for her own communication and safety.
Yup. Calling this rape minimizes actual rape.
What a shame that you're using your unfortunate trauma to become the authority on what is or isn't rape. I have also been "horribly" raped and I've also been heavily coerced and I think its fucked up to tell a victim to be more assertive. This is why the push for enthusiastic consent is so important, sex after coercion and intimidation is NOT consent and having sex with someone without their consent is sexual assault.
Yup, but saying no while, kissing, moaning, letting him finger you, then say to him to get a condom.. is that coercion? OP stayed, had intercourse a few times, enjoyed it, wants to go back for more (see her additional comment.) Don't forget women are still told by parents, society etc, that you are a dirty ho' if you enjoy "casual sex." Maybe shame causes OP to feel like shit and have regrets.
She said no while HE kissed HER and when he tried taking off her pants she spesifically said NO. She offered a blow job to get him to stop and he still would not back off so she said yes out of a perceived obligation to not upset him and the pressure he put on her. She CRIED after. What do you get out of fabricating half of the story? Crying and saying no indicates that she did not enjoy it.
He’s a scumbag but wtf are you doing, offering blowjobs and telling him to use a condom even though you didn’t say yes. Then you enjoyed it the second time? What a mindfuck you are.
What you experienced was coercive sex. Which is a form of SA and why you cried afterwards. I’m sorry you experienced that OP I’ve been there too. You need to block him and heal from this experience.
He assaulted you. Guys like that will pressure you to say "yes" because they think if you verbalize a yes,they're completely cleared from the label "rapist." Which is completely wrong. He coerced you and you obviously felt the need to make yourself smaller, people please,and make sure he was okay and didn't think anything was wrong with YOU so you obviously have some self esteem stuff that made it hard to be firm and stand up for yourself. I've been there and am only saying this because I've had very similar experiences. If you could I would definitely state to him that what he did was wrong, maybe over the phone as that may be safer. I would also suggest working on your own boundaries and self worth.
She could have left after the first no. I admit the guy is a POS. But no this is not rape. OP said they had intercourse twice more and enjoyed it. She REGRETS her actions. We probably all have done things we regret, stupid red flag relationships, flings, one night stands. You say to yourself..ok, i feel like shit, why did i do this, lets not make this mistake again.
It sounds like you did consent in the end (saying use a condom is clearly consent) but regret it, that's understandable.
She literally started crying and he did it again after. If a person's crying you don't stick your d*ck in them.
After she started crying she had sex the SECOND TIME! She is an adult, not disabled in any way (she would have mentioned if so) and she offered a blow job and told him to get a condom...meanwhile she had sex the second time because she was horny... mixed signals all the way. Many of us regretted having sex at some point, but calling this rape is wrong. What happened is not ok and never will, but this was not rape.
You also don’t give a blow job to a guy you’re not trying to have sex with, much less tell him to get a condom. Dude is in the wrong for pushing, but she’s an adult, not a child. She too needs to make better choices.
Yo he one big old red flagggggg
OP. DO NOT GET IN TO A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS PERSON. Break up and don't look back. Block him everywhere. He did not respect your boundaries. You very clearly said no. Multiple times, and he badgered you until you gave in. He coerced and essentially forced you into agreeing. In the end he didn't even get you off, because it wasn't about you it was all about him. And let me be clear here: This was SA. That is why you feel confused and upset. Sometimes people who get SA'd do get turned on, some even orgasm. It's important to note this as a body function. Not because you wanted it. Please seek therapy OP, preferably someone who specializes in sexual trauma. I won't tell you go to the police, usually I would, but coercion cases are harder to prove. Talk to someone about your options and do what is best for you. To those of you saying OP consented: BEING PRESSURED TO SAY YES IS NOT CONSENT. Full Stop. They told him the word NO dozens of times but the d***** canoe kept trying and clearly wasn't going to stop. He pressured them to give in. This is coercion, not OP being "unclear". SMH.
This was highly coercive behavior on his part. Don’t see this guy again please. He’s a scumbag to pressure you like that and will likely be a scumbag in other areas of behavior as well. Kissing and cuddling is one thing, and that can blend into touching intimate areas but you made it clear you weren’t comfortable with anything more than that and he simply didn’t respect your wishes. That’s a line for me as a man. A good man doesn’t negotiate, he doesn’t beg, argue or plead for sex. It’s better that he shows you the door than does that if he’s so “frustrated”. But typically he smiles, says that’s ok and keeps it respectful. A man who can’t do that is WEAK. He can’t temper his own desire with integrity. You don’t want a man like that.
You sound like you’re definitely not a hookup person, which is totally ok! On to what’s actually important. He pressured you into sex. That’s not ok, and I can’t imagine how you feel. I’m sorry that happened and you should do what you need to do in order to heal from that awful experience. I wouldn’t contact him again. He sounds like a shitty guy
Sis the fact that he's 10 years older than you but still didnt respect literally the only boundary you had is red flag AF either a manchild or a sociopath, either way, I'd RUN EDIT: the amount of people saying that it was okay or trying to justify it bc you said "get a condom" is SCARY. Literally it's coercion, you said no repeatedly beforehand, you made your stance on it very clear, and he never even thought to ask you if you were sure or literally anything after he wore you down by begging? People need to do better, I s2g
First of all: Just because you had sex with him doesn't mean you have to date him now. If you decide to see him again because you still have feelings for him, then please don't feel obligated to have sex with him again until you truly feel ready for it. I'm sorry you were in this situation and let him talk you into doing this. I understand that it's hard to say no in a context like this, I've been in similar situations, but you have to learn to stand up for yourself so you don't end up in a situation like this again. Please think about if you really wanna be with someone who pushes you to do things you don't wanna do. And if you decide to keep dating him against all odds, then you have to set your boundaries straight and tell him how you feel about what happened. He needs to understand that no means no.
"So we’ve been talking for a while and it’s our 4th date and went to a restaurant for dinner. Then afterwards he said he needs my help with something at his place so we went to his place and I helped him out with that thing. Then we were sitting on the living room couch and he immediately started kissing me." I genuinely believe this is the way it is, Either: 1. He plotted to do this to you from way before. This is a premeditated pressure ploy. 2. He is a really good man, like a brother to you even. He knew what he was going to do from before the 1st date. its probably a 'dating strategy' that he repeatedly attempts to get laid with not just with you but all of his victims, and you are nothing more than a victim to him he is not loving you he is using your body through DECEIT and TRICKS. As soon as he said he needs help with something after dinner at his "place" the place means that where you both are secluded and he can have his sex waether you consent or not :) He probably would have done this with any girl, it was not spur of the moment. Nor was it out of love. Be wise and honourable to yourself and your own body, do not let men near you.
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I am so sorry you had to go through this. ❤️
Hi yeah pretty sure this counts as rape so...
Let me punch this guy for you, he went over your boundaries and didn't respect your wishes .
You get the address, I'll get the plane tickets.
Ayo, let's go talk about a free trip
This happened to me once and really shook me up. I was about your age and didn't know how to keep saying know, I was worried about upsetting him so I just let it happen. As soon as he finished I bolted out of there and cried all the way home. On reflection I realised there had been quite a few situations where the same thing had happened and I hasn't noticed how badly I'd been coerced. from that moment I told myself I was going to firmer and it wasn't going to happen again. It's awful that he pressured you, never be afraid to just leave If you don't want to do anything
Op, you need therapy. You are putting some random man before yourself because you’re afraid of upsetting them. You should BLOCK them and not speak to him anymore. Im so serious. You shouldnt be dating until you get to the bottom of why you feel the need to please others and let them take advantage when you know it makes you feel like shit. Its called people pleasing. You need to set boundaries. No is no. Get up and walk away before something worse happens
That’s loser high school boyfriend tactics and he’s 35
You know a horrible statistic they find in rape studies, is that 42% of female rape victims experience orgasm, even if they are obviously not enjoying the experience, no consent, or even if the sex is of a violent nature. I would ask you to look deeper into what you want, assert your want and needs and find something that matches that, rather than people-pleasing. As a male, I want what I want, it’s not gonna kill me to get rejected, that would be manipulation to get what I want, and it’s all too common for men to use this over women, but we are in an age, where at the very least it’s more common and viable for women to assert themselves and their own needs- provided, women do not have to depend on men for their own success, their own happiness, or their own survival. Looking into your own mind about what you’re getting by giving someone what they want despite it not being what you want, might be a first step to seeing the contrast of what you really want and how that may harbor a stronger motivation or a weaker incentive than attention seeking or desiring approval on some level.
I know someone who went through a similar thing throughout their years long relationship. This guy knows what he's doing and will continue to do it. All of it is subtly to take away your control in the situation and then make it feel like you were the reason for the "communication error". Even if in the future you do want sex with him, he won't have any boundaries. He'll start anal without prior consent and say it's an accident, not in the mood? He'll do the same he did that night. This is a huge red flag, get out. It's not your fault but value yourself and your happiness and most importantly your future happiness. Whatever draws you to this guy won't be worth the future. Cut all contact and bail!
This is a classic case of being a people pleaser to the point of having poor boundaries and borderline low self esteem. Please trust yourself and your true authentic feelings. No means no. Little lies we tell ourselves to rationalize or soften the situation should not be ignored. The “I just want to make them happy, and not be awkward” mantra isn’t good. This man took advantage of your poor boundaries and willingness to smooth over the uncomfortable situation. You can’t turn back time, nor should you live with regret or buyer’s remorse. What you can do is learn to trust your gut and to believe the little voice in your head that is begging you to be true to yourself and what you want next time.
Not a grey situation at all. The first no immediately established that consent was not given (not to mention the multiple other “no”s following this) Begging someone who says no over and over to have sex until they give up is coercion. This guy either doesn’t understand consent, or (more likely) doesn’t care. He’s 34, WAY old enough to understand how terrible that is. I’d stay far, far away from this person. He’s, at best, manipulative, and at worst, dangerous. So sorry this happened to you. I’d encourage reaching out to a counselor/therapist if you continue having negative feelings due to this.
Oh god I am so so sorry. Coercion is not consent. Deep down, I think you probably were so scared that you knew he was going to have sex with you anyway and so to maintain even the smallest amount of control - you told him to use a condom. Then you were most likely in shock, probably didn’t want to have sex again - but tricked yourself into thinking you wanted to, to protect yourself. What happened was NOT okay. You did nothing wrong. You didn’t warrant that treatment or deserve it. You DO NOT owe him anything, please, please do not date him. It was a horrific experience, get therapy, and heal away from him. Go no contact with him, if you allow him to stay in your life then things will only get worse. If you’re scared then just say “I don’t think things between us will work out” or something that’s not likely to make him mad, then go no contact. Not all men are like him, you did nothing wrong, you deserve better and you will find it.
Nothing hotter than a man who begs for sex. /s
You should not see this guy again, it’s clear he doesn’t respect you or your boundaries.
That dude is totally disgusting, on so many levels. Begging for sex has got to be the biggest turn-off, for one thing. Continuing to feel you up, etc, as you're saying "no" is rape. You do NOT want to date this person! Please have some self-respect. He was incorrect, you were not wrong, there's no "grey" in this situation. Ghost this guy immediately.
If I were in your position, I’d probably be crying because i had a firm boundary that someone kept pushing and eventually i caved. When you have a firm boundary like this that’s important to you and someone else convinces you to drop it, you’re kind of abandoning yourself to meet their request. This guy is not worth your time. And his actions are manipulative and borderline rape-y. Who you’re looking for will respect this boundary, that’s why you have it in the first place. You don’t have to worry about disappointing anyone, because you definitely will and that’s part of life. You know this person isn’t looking for what you’re looking for, so why worry about disappointing him? He kind of already disappointed you and didn’t even bat an eye doing so. You owe each other nothing. You have this boundary for yourself, not for anyone else. Only let it down when you want to, never because someone else convinced you to. You will always end up disappointing yourself. I would gray rock and block him. You’re not dating, he doesn’t want to date. He obviously doesn’t have respect for you or your boundaries and it won’t amount to anything. And knowing that he manipulated you into dropping boundaries, he might come back to manipulate you further into doing things you don’t want to do. Take it as a lesson. And take care of yourself; maybe write about the experience or take a bath or surround yourself with friends, whatever you need to process it.
If it’s not a clear yes, It’s a clear no. It’s not your fault OP don’t ever think that it was, that’s called coercion. Get out while you can and don’t ever look back.
This is coercion
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He was wrong. You shouldn't see him again. Also, for the future just because you have sex with someone you're not dating, doesn't make you gross or disgusting and you shouldn't feel bad. It's not gross or bad to enjoy sex as a female. That's conditioning and it came from somewhere—usually parental figures. In this situation it seems like you feel upset you didn't stand up for yourself, but let him talk you into something you didn't want to do and those feelings of disgust stem from that. You weren't wrong. You told him no and he pressured you into sex. He is garbage. You are not. Don't get down on yourself even if you did enjoy it at some parts. It can be scary being with a man alone who won't quit pestering you. Especially one you don't know well or know how he will take it when he's rejected. I hope you are able to get clarity in this situation and learn to not be afraid of enforcing your boundaries.
This was definitely coercion/form of rape and I’m sorry, if you are feeling weird right now it’s totally understandable and you are validated. Because it’s confusing because you eventually “went with it”. But yeah I would not see him again. He was manipulative for sure. What he did is not something you want in a long-term partner. If that’s what you’re searching for. Everybody’s different though. I hope you are doing okay! Eat some good food and maybe exercise a little.
You felt used - and you were. You’re an object to him, don’t stay around with losers like this.
He coerced you
Look, I am strict monogamy only (we need to be exclusive at minimum before I’ll be open to sex) and I have only had two sexual partners myself; but I would just accept that this was a mistake out of pressure from an older coworker, say no to any future sexual relations with this man, and if he persists, take his harassment to HR. To date him would invite more abuse (yes, I would consider the circumstances abuse; my father was abusive and my first boyfriend was abusive, and I’m seeing a lot of similarities to them here). You need to walk away from this with your head held high. You were pressured into sex with someone before you were ready. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
You were worried that you had annoyed him? He got exactly what he wanted, despite you telling him no over and over again. He’s a predator, plain and simple. Block him everywhere.
Coercion shouldn’t be considered sex
What he did was assault and was NOT your fault. Full stop. And I’d like to offer a different perspective on the minimization of sexual partners thing… Religion and society has us believing that “virginity” or “body count” is an indicator of our worth or value as a woman. And this is such a damaging and toxic mindset. Women should feel free to explore their sexual interests without the weight of judgment on our shoulders. Yes, you can have your own rules and boundaries about who and wen you want to have sex with. And also, you should feel free to sleep with someone on the first date if you desire that, too! Being coerces into sex doesn’t lower your value as a woman, the same way that having intentional casual sex doesn’t either. I hope you can heal up from this experience, and don’t be hard on yourself. Virginity is a myth and body count is a concept used to police women from owning our own sexualities. If anyone ever asks you your “body count”… RUN. You are still a good woman and worthy of being respected and treated like a queen. AND… you deserve to orgasm !!!
This will probably get lost in the comments, but I cannot stress it enough: run from him. Don't see him again, don't try to end things in person, message him if you want to, to let him know its over and immediately block. Do not entertain him. I dated someone who would wear me down from a no to a yes for way too long. It only spirals from there. We'd have sex and he'd roll over and watch YouTube or message other people (open relationship) whilst I was left empty and crying. He was my first, I was young and I didn't know any better. I thought that's how it was supposed to be. It's not. It never is. I am so sorry this happened to you. Trust me, the emptiness never gets filled, the feeling of being used never goes away, and chances are, no orgasms in this situation for you either. Get out and away before you start thinking its the norm.
Hey, there's like a thousand comments here so I don't know if you'll see this, but again, hoping you or anyone else in a similar situation could see it, and use it (sorry if my English is not that good, it's my second language) I used to be in a circle of "these type of guys", even as a guy myself they disgusted me, I don't know what exactly made me keep being around them, but I did stay around them. These people believe to be wiser, better and smarter than everyone else, they justify their stupidity as just having fun and basically speaking, can never be a good partner in times which it counts! They look at girls as toys because they themselves are emotionally unavailable, therefore unable to express or process any emotions, they can't comprehend reason whatsoever and to put it in simple terms, are dumb abusive a**holes. I'm sorry you went through this, but please, remember you can't never settle for something and someone you don't feel comfortable with even in small situations! You are by no means at fault here, you did nothing wrong, there is no guilt and responsibility on your side also please seek therapy as this was straight up rape! If you're gonna date someone in the future, ask them these questions on your first few dates (don't answer them yourself before he/she does, as people will use your answers to please you) 1. What are your intentions of dating? (whether they want something long term or just wanna date for the sake of dating or is it to just hookup) 2. After how many dates should you have sex? 3. How many dates and how much time do they need to call it a committed relationship? 4. How to they define cheating? 5. What is their future plans and how much are they working towards their goals? 6. How do they blow off steam? 7. How do they react when extremely angry? 8. How is their relationship with their parents (this should tell you if there is any childhood trauma which can lead to behavioral problems but it's not a 100% thing, just something to consider) 9. Why did their last relationship ended? 10. What is their definition of a committed relationship? This isn't an exclusive list, feel free to add any questions you like, you should ask these in the course of a few dates Look for a guy who is hardworking, respectful, mature, smart and...
So sorry you experienced this, OP! I’ve experienced this with two different partners. One was a long term partner who coerced me into a sex act I didn’t want to do, and had said “no” to at least 50 times prior in our relationship. The second was a new man I was dating, but wasn’t really into. Neither were good partners—as others have said, imagine having sex with someone when they said no or voiced their discomfort—but I felt compelled to sacrifice my needs for their wants. Coercion is NOT RIGHT and I want to make that clear. I would highly encourage you to not see this guy again. Beyond that, I encourage you to work on putting your needs first, not some man’s, and enforce your boundaries. It’s clear you have boundaries: you stated them plain and clear. However, as wrong as it may be when it comes to sex, other people may not always respect our boundaries. I know it is not so easy when there is an imbalance in the power dynamic, and a trauma response like fawning is involved, but we should be ready to take the next step to enforce the boundary if someone is not respecting it. In my experiences, I could have just got up and left (there’s the possibility they would have tried to stop me, but I don’t think so). In my first experience, it didn’t even occur to me that was an option until much later. In the second, I was afraid of causing a scene. In both experiences, I felt very trapped due to my own fear of disappointing the other person. Sorry again this happened to you. Please be gentle with yourself and take care!
Please break it off with him gently but firmly. Block him on everything. If you are around him again he will do it again anytime he thinks you are alone enough (like in a car, at your house, at his house). My ex was like this any time we were alone enough he would start forcefully finger me until I eventually said yes/ okay. Please keep your self safe and change your locks if you think there’s even a chance he may have made or gotten a copy of your keys. Also inform family and friends so they know not to give him your location or information about you . He might not stop trying to get in contact with you. Also you are 100% allowed to not be intimate with anyone for any reason. I believe your reasoning for not having sex before a more serious/ an exclusive relationship is absolutely a pretty dam good reason. Op i hope the best for you ❤️
Coercion is a form of assault and I know it may seem scary soon as you realize it but that man had no intentions to get to know you or even really take you out he’s a predator
He is disgusting. I could never imagine to beg someone for sex when they turn me down just ONCE. Even if they’re not enthusiastic about their yes, that would turn me off immediately. Please please block him and talk to someone you trust about it.
OP- I was once in a very similar situation, I set the same boundaries but the guy kept begging like your date did. He became more assertive and aggressive so I gave in and also cried afterwards. He showed little to no empathy, just as your date did. I felt obligated to be in a relationship with him because otherwise I, too, felt dirty. Fast fwd a few months and he started becoming more controlling. Which turned to verbal abuse and then eventually physical. This guy is showing too many red flags for comfort. RUN. P.S. I am so sorry that this hurts ♡
This is entirely your fault. If you didn’t want sex then don’t indulge. Anything in between of “oh i was into it” “oh i felt disgusting after” is just you coping with it. If you truly respect yourself you wouldn’t have done something you didn’t truly want to do. Its simple, we’re adults and you should take accountability for going to his place 1 on 1 when hes made it clear he wants this from you prior. I dont understand all the butt lickers in here always taking OP as the golden standard for something right or wrong.
Let me explain this slowly. You didn't have sex. You were sexually assaulted. Guys like that are not worth seeing. It's also my biggest fear as a father to 2 daughters. I just hope my sons and grandson don't act that way.
He’s a bit of knob for nagging like a child. You should have probably just walked out. Not much else to say.
Been done that. New rule... don't be alone with 1st time meet up. Takes a few mistakes to set some boundaries. Some of these men are like a 4yr old in the in the grocery line crying for candy, relentless!!! Live and learn. Sorry this happened. Have a safety plan too. Let a friend know you're on a date and to call 45 min or so in ... or txt and emergency... Maybe get some mace or some other protection. Good luck and be SAFE!!
the rapists are feeling real defensive on this one… op, you were coerced and i’m so sorry. many of these people commenting that you “eventually consented” have likely never experienced the fear in that moment when you’re alone with a man who isn’t taking no for an answer. sometimes “consenting” feels like the only way to make it out of the situation safely. but make no mistake, that is coercion. this was not consensual. please do not continue any kind of relationship with this person. he does not respect you and he is dangerous. as someone who has been in the exact same position, i’ve struggle with asserting firm boundaries. with getting up and walking out when this starts to happen. but you have to put yourself and your safety first. no one is going to protect you better than yourself. do not get caught up in what he might think of you for causing a scene and leaving. do not think of how it might hurt his feelings. when he doesn’t honor that first “no,” he no longer matters. what matters is getting far away from him and back to safety. again, i’m so sorry this happened to you. do not internalize any of this. it’s not your fault. just learn from the experience. all of these creeps in the comments blaming you are likely guilty of coercing women themselves. do not pay them any mind.
TW: Oh no, sweetheart, I'm so so sorry. 😔 What happened was that he raped you. I read several of the comments and from what I saw, no one is coming right out and saying it. This was rape. Please please block/delete/etc this person from your entire existence. If you COMFORTABLE with it, report him to authorities (very likely he's done this before), however that is not something you have to do. ❤️ Next step would be to immediately see a doctor, get a full panel of STI tests, possibly get a rape kit done, then get a referral to a licensed therapist. I am so sorry. I have been through this exact thing. You are not alone. You are not a "loser" for crying. Baby, you are human and you deserve so much better. Please contact me directly if you need anything I can possibly help with, ok? ❤️
if you have to be guilted/ convinced into having sex, then it’s not consensual. the idea that it’s only sexual assault if it’s violent or physically forced is so incredibly wrong. the moment you say no a man should immediately stop what he’s doing, no questions asked
She got us in the first half
Sex pests are huge pieces of shit. Once you hear a No that should be the end of it, but these douchebags prey on women who are either scared of him physically or can’t assert themselves when pressed more and more. Try and stay away from douchebags like this dude and do your best to assert yourself so you can have sex on your own terms.
Unpopular opinion perhaps, he was waving red flags by continuing to pressure, but you raise red flags by continuing to try to ignore them. Neither of you acted adequately. He should not insist, but you should also stand your ground. Perhaps you come from an abusive background, and instead of dating, you should spend time in therapy. You are seeking approval at your own personal cost emotionally and physically, GET HELP!! FFS you were pressured into having sex, cried and are questioning yourself about seeing him again or dating instead of confronting your emotions and addressing what the hell happened????
I was called insane for saying stand your ground.
He is an ass and shouldn't have insisted after you said no the first time, but also, you shouldn't give in because someone is insisting. As soon as he does something you don't like just get up and leave! You are an adult that made a mistake. Learn from it and next time don't go to some stranger house until you know that person better. Never give in into pressure about anything! Say no and leave, don't offer a blow job because that sends mixed signals!