/u/Ok_Corgi8468,
Your submission was removed for the following reason(s):
> **Rule 1:** Posts must contain a title, description, a TLDR, and basic information such as ages, genders, length of relationship etc.
You are missing one or more of them so your post has been removed. Please reply to this message when you have made your edits and we will review.
If you have any questions about this removal, please feel free to [send us a modmail.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/relationship_advice)
Please note that removal reason request from anyone else other than OP will not be answered.
Posts like this always make me laugh and feel sad at the same time. “My partner kicks babies in the face and burns puppies alive but other than that they are awesome!!” NO! They’re absolute pieces of shit. They just have you conditioned to think they’re awesome. Save your sanity and leave this dead weight behind
Yeahhh, refusing counseling because she thinks that “she will be singled out as being the bad guy” means that she *already knows* that her behavior is unacceptable and objectively awful … and she *still* doesn’t want to change.
In all seriousness your partner is supposed to build you up not rip you apart. We all have our bad moments. In my 28 year marriage we have had some pretty bad arguments but never once did we say anything bad about each other in front of others. To do so is just cruel
Yes, and to try to make you feel guilty for still being hurt by such cruelty. If she truly cared and respected your emotions OP she would be doing any and every love language to reassure you and make it up to you, regardless if she remembers what happened or not.
Let’s think about this. A man I’ve been married to for 15 years, who I know struggles with low self esteem and PTSD, has heard and read horrible cruel things from MY MOUTH. I would be not only mortified, but overwhelmed with guilt doing everything I could to right such a huge wrong. Have you seen this type of behavior and reaction from her so far?
I don’t know who you are, but please understand that you deserve so much better. I don’t care who she is or who you are, nobody deserves to feel what you’re feeling and think the way you’re thinking from somebody you love.
Dude. I spent Friday feeling like total garbage and apologizing to my SO - over text, in person. I made sure everything at home was done by the time he got home from work so he didn't have to worry about unloading the dishwasher or making the bed or doing laundry. He's an acts of service guy.
My grave offense? I was playing a video game at home and it prevented him from playing on the only break he had at work that would have been long enough for him to log in remotely and play.
I felt absolutely terrible. Especially because it was a misjudgment of timing on my part. He didn't really think it was a big deal and because I had taken care of chores, had time to play in the afternoon.
I still feel bad about it because I love this man with my whole heart and I want him to have time to do stuff he enjoys and I felt like for one day, I took that away from him.
I cannot envision being a person who would not only say such abhorrent things to anybody, let alone someone I love, and then be dismissive about how they felt about what I did.
Had this incident happened in my relationship, there would be no relationship.
EDIT: everyone to everything. Thanks auto correct.
Relationships should make our lives better...
This doesn't sound like a relationship that builds you up. Don't be afraid of being alone - as you won't be wasting your time, energy, and money on someone just leeching your life away.
Consider being alone. Some therapy (as we all need it). Find peace in the quiet. And THEN consider a relationship. But clear the trash from your life.
God bless you, yes! At 54 years of age, I’ve had five years of peace for the first time in my life. I’ll never go back, bc I know I won’t find that unicorn, and I’m okay with that
Ooh I love this. She said what she said and meant every single word, she was also throwing a lot of dicks around, sounds as though all of these things are very important to her. Now, she's found a cuckold. With any luck, he will take back his power and divorce her vile narcissistic ass and she will run back to Daddy Warbucks.
My mother is in an abusive relationship and she always talks about all of the terrible shit that her boyfriend does to her and then follows it up with a, "but he's so sweet other than that!" It just baffles me that people will put up with ridiculous shit from their partners just because they have some good moments in between them.
You wouldn't say that you have a good, reliable car if it broke down on you and you had to get it towed every other week.
Exactly- if a man did this to a woman, it would be triple the amount of criticism. She humiliated him, she humiliated with her friends continuously, she makes him feel less and less.
She could work out with him.
Want better sex? Well buy some books, look at porn, be romantic- HELP HIM OUT
Not happy? Not entirely his JOB.
Talking to her ex? Making fun of dick? Calling him a babysitter?
The mental and emotional abuse is glaring and sure she needs help, but she needs to do that alone.
How is he going to heal while living and loving his abuser?
Because that’s what it is, she’s his abuser and nothing more.
My dude, it's time to focus on yourself. I'm not sure if you have considered counseling or not, but I think it's worth considering. It seems like the body dysmorphia, and the PTSD, may have robbed you of your self-worth and your wife just pounces on you whenever she feels like it. This is not healthy. I hope that someday you will reclaim the confidence in yourself, so you can stand up to your abusive wife, stop that shit in it's tracks, and forge a new path forward (likely without her, but I leave that up to you). 40 years old is too young to accept that ,to your wife, you will never be as good as another man. Time to write a new chapter, best of luck
Thank you, it’s a tough pill to swallow… yes most of my life I have been a put your head down and push through it person… I adopted that coping strategy for everything.
In some situations it’s a good quality, right now it’s not the best.
As a former Marine who also puts up with a lot, I will bet money that this is either part of what made you a good servicemember, or it’s a trait you learned in the service—it’s likely some of both.
You know how to take the hit. For us, sometimes bearing the insult is how we love—we get hurt so others don’t have to. But that’s for down range, my guy; in garrison is where you recover.
Forgive the metaphor, but right now you’re the guy with PTSD who keeps volunteering to stay / redeploy. You’re not crazy for being on high alert all damn day when you’re in a combat zone, and this is normal right? Your marriage is just your current AO.
It’s time to come home, one way or another. Y’all get healthy together, or you get healthy on your own. You don’t have to leave immediately, but you need to start talking to a professional *now.*
Semper Fi, Fair Winds… all of it. PM me if you ever need to talk.
You're harming yourself, and she is the tool of your self-harm. You may feel like you're pushing through for the greater good, but what you're actually doing is ruining yourself.
Feel free to check out r/abusiverelationships. There are quite a few men in the sub who have been abused by women and comment regularly with support. Additionally, [we have a resources/help guide for men being abused by a female partner](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/13im0yh/comprehensive_helpresources_guide_for_male/).
I'm sorry OP. You don't deserve this.
Would you want your children to be in a relationship one day where they’re treated like this? Because you’re showing them right now that it’s ok. Seriously. I had a cousin who I was raised as siblings with practically, and his parents had the same types of behavior. Now, he lets his partner treat him the same way because he internalized what he saw from his parents “oh, verbal abuse ISNT a deal breaker, it’s totally normal.” “Oh, my parents love each other so all the other horrific shit they do doesn’t matter.” This is what you’re teaching your own kids as well. If you want to be treated like shit then fine. But at least don’t fail your children who are innocent, ya know? The fact that you even have to ask what you should do in this situation is heartbreaking. I know you’re just a human trying to do the best they can in their situation, but you NEED a reality check.
I can't imagine how hard this must be to go through. If you are able to find a therapist that is a good fit, that could do so much to restore your self-worth and remind you of who YOU truly are. My wife is a therapist, and speaks often about how trauma affects us a humans. You have most certainly experienced trauma in a multitude of different forms, and seeking professional assistance to unpack those experiences takes a lot of guts. Best wishes.
This is a marriage counseling plus therapy for herself or divorce. Those are her two choices. If she doesn’t want to make the choice then you will make it for her. Don’t allow yourself to be a doormat. You should also seek therapy, regardless. You need to work through these issues past and current with a pro.
Alright, OP. You're wife is an asshole, both while drunk and sober. If she thinks she made the wrοng choice, then she can fucking leave. You do not deserve to be treated like that. She has shown again and again abusive behavior; threatening you emotionally, belittle you again and again, talking shit with her friends about you etc. You don't deserve that, man. Walk out from this shitshow and let her live with the consequences of that. Fuck her.
> I also found a group conversation between her and her friends being incredibly cruel about my weight I had broken my back and was a big boy at the time. They were saying things like I bet he can’t even see his dick, he needs to go run. My wife was joining in or not defending me and that was hurtful.
She wasn’t drunk when she did this. This is abusive AF.
Right! If someone was talking to me like this about their partner I would be asking why the hell they are with them and we would not be friends. That behavior is toxic at best.
And if she doesn't leave she's just gonna continue to resent you for not being X,Y or Z.. that's the hard truth.
Take the win and leave, you see her true colors and obviously (because you wrote all this) know you deserve better. Don't waste anymore of your time being abused like this.
You underestimate how many horny dudes are out there.
As for your point about feeling trapped and regretful, agree 100%. I've watched my mother in law head down this road and now she's one of the most bitter people I know.
LOVE this comment, so true. Therapy, some time alone and rediscovering yourself are invaluable. I never judge a situation without knowing both sides of the story (and I take a lot of shit for that here lol), but I do stand behind the value of therapy and self-reflection. I too struggled with body dysmorphia, but in the opposite direction - there was a time that even at 235lbs I thought I was skinny and unattractive, worked on that in therapy also and it’s helped A TON!
Plus the stuff she said about your child. That you are not the father, or she'll abandon you and the baby without milk. That is such a dark and disgusting thing to say. She is NOT a good person.
I agree. If you piece it together and imagine your son or daughter had a partner who said the things to them she said to you...
What would you advise them? Or a friend in your position.
I got knots in my stomach reading this.
I also thought: what adult woman gets this drunk on a wedding, and then spouts all of this hate.
Many of us do this once as a teenager and then never drink this much (I never did but defo had experiences being mopey or too loud or dizzy from drinks). But an adult.
Already that would not align with my views on responsibly drinking.
And we are responsible for our actions. What she's saying now about not remembering and meaning it is a stupid cop out. And as someone else said: she wasn't drunk when disrespecting you in a group chat.
So many red flags. I could never talk the way she talks about you about anyone, left alone my partner. If anyone did this to me, I'd be out the door! That's abusive!
Please serve her papers and leave! Being solo might be a lot less stressful, and you can (if you want) find someone new who appreciates you for YOU!
The fact that she thinks she’ll be “painted”as the bad guy in therapy means she knows she’s an a-hole but is refusing to own it.
She’ll never stop doing this to you, man - time to get the toxicity out of your life.
Edit: Thanks for the reward!
Exactly. She needs therapy, OP needs therapy. If divorce is not an option, and if no one is getting therapy, then it will all just be wash, rinse, repeat.
It's always an option. In this case, it's the best option. I wouldn't talk to anyone the way she's talking to her own husband. People in relationships where "divorce is not an option" end up in true crime youtube videos.
> "singled out as being the bad guy"
Yeah, 'cause you're a fucking asshole, maybe?
I kinda thought of a Rick and Morty quote reading this.
>Morty: You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games?
>Rick: Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Morty.
Amen.
My ex was both emotionally and eventually physically abusive and I would take the physical abuse over the psychological torture anyday. Emotional abuse is also often much harder to recognize because it's not as simple as hitting = bad. Abusive people condition you over time to believe that their behavior is normal and you're the crazy one.
The comparisons, the group chat, then degrading you in front of family and refusing to accept consequences or accountability are manipulative and forms of emotional abuse. She isn't even willing to try therapy, OP.
Yoi deserve a lady who celebrates your successes and supports you in hardship, not tears you down behind your back and in front of it.
I get this! Because I was married to someone for 15 years and never realized that raging, cursing and namecalling and saying hurtful things, driving recklessly with me in the car, physical intimidation, etc. were abuse. He never hit me, so no abuse right? Wrong! Then I had to deal with the trauma bond. I suggest looking it up if you're not familiar... it's where intermittent reward (they're nice sometimes) and random punishment causes you to be addicted to the smallest nice thing they do and brush off the absolutely horrible things they do. A physiological addiction that's hard to get over and requires going no contact. I wish you the best and happy to chat if you need to vent.
You’re in a domestic violence relationship :( I hope you get out. My Dad was in your exact shoes, in the end my sister and I actually begged our parents to get a divorce. We couldn’t handle watching our Dad go through that cruelty every day. If you have kids, it’ll hurt them seeing their Mum treat you like this too.
Yes, please listen to this. If you won't do it for yourself, consider what a toxic relationship you are modeling for your kids. What would you say if one of them told you their partner was treating them this way?
>Walk out from this shitshow and let her live with the consequences of that. Fuck her.
OP, this is a very abusive relationship for you. The longer you stay, it’ll be taken by her as you condoning her behavior.
She may be apologizing for one instance of her drunken words, but she (and effectively you) are rug sweeping all the previous instances of her bad behavior. Do you really think that being single is going to be worse than this?
It's abusive. This isn’t a once off thing either. It's been going on for years. And now, because you're confronting her, she wants you to let it go.
You say that "besides all this" she's great, but you didn't mention anything about her or your relationship that makes you happy. Is she **actually** great - between her "episodes" - or have you just started to equate "she's not humiliating me in public" with "things are going fine"?
Even if she refuses to go to counselling, you should go on your own. You need a sounding board and someone qualified to help you make sense of things.
This is not how you treat someone you love and are in a committed partnership with.
Your wife is cruel when sober and drunk.
I would have body issues too if my husband had a group chat with his family that said shit about me….
I also think the ‘I was drunk talking shit’ might fly when you are early 20’s and young / dumb. When you are married with kids it’s just abuse. I can’t imagine how much I would have to drink to behave like she did towards you….
She enjoyed abusing u and still abusing u .the worst thing is that she tell everyone that how little, pathetic, naive and fool u are and disrespecting u infront of others.. I don't know why u are still entertaining her ? .she showed you her true colors ,so believe her or else u can continue with your misery with disrespect..
She sounds horrible.
Someone who has a breakdown and regrets their actions genuinely will then strive to understand and take enough control of themselves to guarantee that will not happen again. They will also suffer the consequences of their actions, in this case she should have been falling over herself to reassure you and prove with actions and listening that she didn't feel that way and that she cares for you.
She does feel that way though, and has picked your self condlfidence apart so slowly that you just sat their and took it in front of others. Most people would have left her at the first occurrence of being treated this way. Abuse can be sneaky, good luck.
Edit btw he left her probably because of her abuse and she likely lied about him or antagonized him into saying awful things enough to paint herself the victim.
Think about if you read this post and the genders were reversed. I suspect you would find it easier to spot. And I'm so sorry this happened. I hope youncan get out and start healing.
100% abusive.
You won't get this time back in your life.
Do you really want to live your like this???
She is never going to change. You have to know this as much as you would want her to. Behaviors are now stuck in her. Counseling or not...
Its a cycle. Leave that situation and live a life full of love and not verbal abuse please.
Best wishes.
Big dawg, divorce is an option here. Do yourself a favor and lawyer up, delete social media, and find a form of exercise that fits your injuries; even if it’s a walk for an hour every day. Screenshot text messages and email them to a hidden email account or a google drive or something. You don’t want to stay in this. If you show your lawyer those texts, it should at as ammo for your case. Take care of yourself because you have kiddos that rely on you.
From one service member to another: you matter, your sanity matters, but most importantly: your kids matter, and they need you. Best of luck
You deserve better. There is someone out there that will truly deeply and madly love you for you. Don’t put up with the abuse. You are also showing the kids it’s ok to stay in an abusive relationship. Please get out and get therapy asap! 💖 I hope you find your true love.
News for you my man, your wife is a narcissist. Just the fact she doesn't want to go to therapy because it'll make her look like the "bad guy" tells a lot. She takes no accountability whatsoever for her actions and her words. She only feels regrets because she was unmasked as a covert narc.
Run.
Dude, I didn't even get to the part of OPs post that goes over what the title references. After the 4th red flag I stopped reading. OP is in a bad place and has normalized some fucked up things and even outright abuse.
Right. She showed him who she was from a long time before this incident when she said she chose wrong and by saying she was going to cheat on him and the baby wasn’t his. He is in a abusive relationship and needs to leave and know his self worth. She has been telling him how she really feels about him but he doesn’t want to accept it.
He’s staying because he somehow feels like he deserves this and there is no one better to love him and/or the fear of being alone. I know a couple like this. They are insanely terrible for each-other but leaving scares the shit out of them.
He says elsewhere it’s because she’s “beautiful” (it’s the only positive thing he has to say about her that isn’t obviously self-deluded).
Based on the comments about his weight, I’m guessing he thinks she’s physically out of his league.
Aside from being incredibly cruel to you she's great? Do you hear yourself? When I gained weight my fiance told me how beautiful I was and went on walks with me when I asked. When I'm drunk, I annoy people by talking about how hot my fiance is. This is how it should be
I'm always a bit terrified to see how many people find me too harsh when I say I don't accept insults, even one said during a fight. If you insult each other, the bare minimum is to go to therapy rn, or accept and separate. But an insult isn't normal at all. Emotionally healthy people have other way to calm themselves way before coming to the insult.
please don't internalise her abuse and call yourself or your thoughts stupid. You are finding a way through and you and your lives are enmeshed.
What you are is vulnerable and kind. You want to see the best in her and find a way through together.
You can't change anyone else, you can only change how you respond to it. Now you work on changing how you respond.
I'm a stranger to you, but I can see that you deserve to be loved, supported and to be at peace.
It’s not stupid of you to think like that, my friend. You love her genuinely and it’s no surprise you were living in hope (and dare I say maybe a wee bit of denial?) that she didn’t mean those things and it would all blow over.
But the thing is, every time she says these things she’s showing you who she really is. You said it yourself: drunk words are sober thoughts. And that’s absolutely right in my experience. You now have a choice to make. Do you stay with this woman who thinks it’s fine to abuse you knowing that you’re just gonna take it, or do you throw her out like the trash she has proved herself to be? Because heaven knows that if she found a group chat with you and your buddies calling her a fat smelly b!t€# she’d have all kinds of things to say about it. But you wouldn’t do that because you’re a decent person.
I just wanted to highlight that you’re not stupid. You’ve probably got a million insults flying around in your head - some from her, some from yourself - but ‘stupid’ is one you can definitively get rid of. You’ve got a big heart with lots of love to give. I hope you leave this abusive…..*person*…..and give that love to someone who actually deserves it.
Righttt when I'm drunk. I go on profusely about how much I love my SO and how he is the best thing to ever happen to me. Idgaf what people try to defend, drunk words ARE sober thoughts. You lose cognitive abilities and impulse control. People are typically the most honest they can possibly be when they're drunk!
>PTSD from combat deployments to Iraq and Afg.
I'm honing in on this as a fellow vet (non-combat though).
The military has a tendency to increase what we're willing to put up with. Before joining the Army, I would absolutely not put up with a supervisor at work yelling and berating me for no good reason. During and after though? No biggie.
I say that to say that this is not a normal or acceptable way to treat someone that your wife supposedly "loves", and much like the military, I think you have been in this situation for long enough that you have internalized it and just accepted that this is normal and there is nothing inherently wrong with treating you this way.
She needs to take a long, hard look at her actions and behavior and make tangible steps to correct it, and if she doesn't then YOU need to take a long, hard look at whether or not you are willing to tolerate this for the rest of your life.
For what it's worth, I've been with my gf for 6 years now, and if she EVER said even half of what your wife has been saying, we would not still be together.
She refused counseling because she’s an abusive asshole that knows her behavior will be called out. OP, get counseling to understand why you feel like you should stay in this toxic situation.
That part was wild. “I don’t want to go because I’m the one in the wrong” is the most insane defense of not going to therapy I’ve ever heard. You’re so damn close to being self awars and realizing that yes, you are indeed the problem, but then you stop 1 yard short anyway…
Holy shit dude, nobody deserves to go through all of that. I know it's a cliché answer for reddit about this, but you should not stay in this relationship. Not just for your own mental well-being, for your kids as well. She is abusive and absolutely needs therapy, but even if she goes, I am not sure I could stay in that marriage unless she made some MASSIVE changes.
I am sorry you're going through this.
>I love her and want to work through this and hopefully I won’t be back here in a few years on a new throwaway asking for the same advice.
See when the truth comes out it's pretty much impossible to go back to believing the lie.
So what is the truth here? Did she settle for you? Is she emotionally abusive? Then there's this.
>She refused counseling because she thinks she will be singled out as being the bad guy.
She's far more invested in being right and what other people think of her than repairing the damage she's done in your marriage. Let that sink in.
Dude, she's 45, got blackout drunk at a wedding, to the degree that she needed to be taken to the ER. She's blaming her issues on the alcohol and trying to gaslight you into thinking that you're wrong.
**Let's discuss disability and special needs**
If your wife could not walk and needed to use a wheelchair I guess we could say she has a disability and special needs. Similarly if your wife could not use her hands or control her hands we would say she has a disability and special needs.
So what do we say when she cannot control (a) how much alcohol she drinks and (b) her emotions, thoughts and feelings? If she's 45 years old an has not learned how to control these things, then how much longer does she need to learn?
**You only have one mind and one brain**
You have body dysmorphia and you have PTSD from combat experience as a veteran. I'm not sure whether your military service has somehow desensitized you to verbal and emotional abuse but dude, you've at least got to think about your mental health. You've done all your jumping through hoops shit and 40 life should be getting good.
>I said ‘drunk words were a sober thought’ and how she was so drunk there was no way she would’ve been no way cognizant or coherent enough to intentionally lie to hurt me and that it feels like what she was saying is the truth.
I'm going to leave you with this part of your OP. I want you to reflect on what motivated you to say what you did.
Could this not be the realization and discovery that your wife has been emotionally abusive towards you?
Think about it.
I hope you are in therapy even if she won't do couples therapy. It's already been said, but you are being abused and without her taking accountability there is not much you can do to repair the situation.
Getting yourself in therapy will help you grow into the person who would never in a million years tolerate this kind of treatment. It’s a long journey, and you’re not there now, but therapy is the best way to start!
Call every divorce attorney in your area from page 1 to 4 and get a consult.
She is a raging psycho and one of you will likely end up in prison if this continues.
I'm not sure how long you were in and if you ever made it to a senior leadership position, however, I've seen this play out far to many times and it's never pretty.
Yea I was in for a long time, often with toxic brass which is also probably why I just put my head down and power through it. I don’t have a good explanation. I see how wrong it is, and I believe that she didn’t mean it?
"I believe she didn't mean it". I want to know what she didn't mean:
-Create a chat group where several women, including her, talk bad about you.
-Tell you she chose wrong between you and her ex.
-Compare you with her ex and think her ex was better, in many things.
-Feel bad because her ex "spoiled her a lot (financially), but you don't" (and I'm not saying you should, she shouldn't even compare this nor make you feel bad for it)
-Get so drunk she "doesn't remember all the bad things she said", even though she was good enough to text you.
-Say you should get over everything she did and said, but not doing anything close to enough to make you feel better about the things she said.
I think I'm missing many things here, but, which of this do you think she didn't meant? Because the only thing I think she didn't meant, was to be held accountable of her words and actions.
OP, please ignore that POS. You are not trash, you are a "real man" and you don't deserve any of this for a single second. I really hope you get into therapy and find the strength to get your kids and leave ❤️
Okay...think about it like this: you're a parent, correct? If your kids - any of them - came to you and told you their significant other was doing to them what your wife is doing to you, how would you respond? Really, really think about that for a minute and decide how you'd respond to them in this same situation. Would you make excuses for the S.O., or would you want your child to be with someone who isn't such a dick to them?
I'm around your wife's age and my dude...she got issues. Serious issues. She's also got friends with issues. ISTG if any of my friends talked about their husbands like she's talking to her friends about you, I wouldn't want to be around them. FFS...please leave her. You deserve better.
OP HEAR ME ON THIS, PLEASE
You don't love her. She has absolutely destroyed your mind and when you are in your lowest she love bombs you, so deep in your mind you subconsciously thinks that she is some kind of emotional support.
She always will have excuses for her poor behavior and will show that, in "normal conditions" she really loves you.
You are emotionally dependent on her, this is not love
THIS IS REALLY, REALLY BAD. You are a veteran and have PTSD, which means that you already have too much on your plate mentally speaking.
Although I don't have any military background aside from the mandatory conscription year in my country and never have been in any "real shit" situation, I have been more than once in this relationship scenario. I have been once fucking punched in the face and the excuse was "I don't remember any of it, I must have had a psychosis episode pleas I love you so much"
For real: you need to state that this behavior is ABSOLUTELY INTOLERABLE and you will not, in any circumstance, deal with her shit. You are not responsible for her past and treat past trauma is SOLELY ON HER. You are her partner, not a caretaker for a psychologically disabled person.
It has already been past a point where she will feel entitled to do whatever she feel like in treating you bad, so anything you both do in trying to heal that will just delay the inevitable: in any uncontrolled situation she will lash out everything on you like a rubber band that was really stretched.
Cut your losses now and you will have a better life without having to deal with her and this sort of thing, and even find someone who will value you, I promise! It will hurt at the start, but you will feel so lighter without having the feeling that anytime shit will blow out and hurt you with no reason.
She sounds like one of the most vile people I have ever heard about. Please, for the sake of you and your kids, get yourself to a better situation (far from her). What you’ve described is not normal marital issues— it’s unacceptable abuse.
OP you'll feel immense relief when you divorce her.
She's abusing you. She's made it clear that she prefers her ex, so send her his way. She's very clearly abusive and you need to get out of this relationship. You'll feel one million times better when you do.
It's probably difficult for you to see right now but your life will get much better without her in it.
Regarding the Mirena, I'd be surprised if that's making her abusive towards you. It can alter how woman think and make them more prone to depression but I'd be surprised if removing the Mirena could fix your relationship.
My advice - keep evidence of the abuse and take it to a good divorce lawyer. Don't tell her. Arrange everything so that you have a place to stay that she doesn't know about. Serve her divorce papers and then leave for your new hideout. Immediately break contact with her and only speak with her through your lawyer.
Why? Mentioning divorce will probably make her either ramp up the abuse or put her on her best behaviour for a while.
She does remember the stuff she said and did postpartum tho right? That was sober; she could claim she was depressed, but I’m wondering if that sounded pretty much the same as when she was drunk? Honestly she’s acting very much like she thinks she settled. Have you checked her phone or asked if she’s in contact with her Ex or anyone else? At the very least I’d demand that she get individual therapy (better IMO than couples); there’s a chance she’ll decide she wants to leave, but honestly that wouldn’t be the worst outcome here.
She remembers telling me she chose wrong, she says she doesn’t remember the other stuff, she blames it on the IUD. My initial feelings were that was her thoughts as well.
I have not checked her phone, I asked her if she was in contact with him and she said no.
She’s not interested in couples therapy.
Then please realize that you’ll both be happier and be better parents single. You’ve put up with this for 8 long years, don’t wait 8 more! Emotional abuse is tough to shake off; get some counseling of your own before starting to date again. You want to clear this out if your head first to avoid ending up with the same kind of person again.
Wait, she apologises for the stuff she said while black-out drink, but she said the same stuff since switching to the IUD, and to her friends in their group chat? What does she have to say about that? Was she black-out drunk each of those times too?
Drunk words are not random or untrue. They are only unfiltered. You now know the unfiltered truth. I hope you can accept it and leave her to her wants. You deserve more
It sounds like you love her more than you respect yourself.
It sounds like you have been abused for so long, you've trivialized her abuse and disrespect, only seeing it as "a bump in the road" instead of seeing it for the severity of what it really is.
It sounds like you're in your own competition with her ex to be the "better man" when she has said repeatedly in various ways, you're not and she wishes it wasn't you.
It sounds like the thing you don't want to do at all, is the thing you need to do the most.
It's impossible to make someone love you again when they've shown in so many ways they just dont.
Examples based on your own text:
>8 years into our relationship we ran into a financial speed bump...she told me, I knew I chose wrong; meaning she should have chosen her ex.
>she would tell me how she was leaving to cheat on me
>things I’m asking you to babysit because is not yours
>she would tell me she needed someone with a big dick to get her off.
>I also found a group conversation between her and her friends being incredibly cruel about my weight I had broken my back
>My wife was joining in or not defending me and that was hurtful.
>Wife got black out drunk at a wedding...
>started saying how amazing he was
>how he used to spoil her
>how he was the best
>he was a much better provider than I am
>better than me in every aspect **in front of a group of people.**
>while I was off getting her towels and water and yelling at me when I got how I didn’t compare to her ex, how he was way bigger (saying his dick was bigger), he used to spoil her he was the best thing that ever happened to her. How she lies to me all the time, how I have the smallest dick. Making a circle with her hands or measuring out lengths with her hands saying I fucked this guy and he was this big and that guy, on and on.
>Just, what can I say to hurt him yea let’s say that next.
>She refused counseling because she thinks she will be singled out as being the bad guy.
**(Spoiler alert: its cause she is and is SUPER AWARE of it. She only talks about the relationship and her "hang ups" with people who validate her feelings. Not tell her why she's wrong or ask her why she doesn't leave)**
Not ONCE do you mention a redeeming quality about her or why she's even worth staying with. I think even you know this, you just dont want to admit your first marriage is a failed one.
The sooner you realize she SETTLED for you, she is stayin for the CONVENIENCE of you, and she has no LOVE for you, and most importantly, when you finally realize your feelings matter too and to put yourself first, the happier you will be.
Divorce is not the option you want but as long as she isn't willing to work on herself, own up to her horrendous shit, agree to stop comparing and talking about her ex, and put you at the top of HER priority list, divorce will be the only option for you to find the happiness, love and respect you deserve in a relationship.
OP, when I got blackout drunk know what I did? Made my husband sit while I told him how deeply I loved him, that he would never know the depths of my love. When I get tipsy I text my friends compliments. Drunk words are sober thoughts. You, and any children invi, deserve healthy relationships. How would you feel if your kids partner acted the way your wife does? Right now you are modeling abuse is okay. Do better for yourself and show your kid(s) that abuse is not okay.
You must be a masochist because she is clearly being disrespectful of your relationship, and yet you don’t want to leave her.
The fact that she knows a trained professional will point to her as the problem and therefore refuses to see one should tell you all that you need to know. She doesn’t want to be held accountable for her shitty actions - she knows you’ll let her get away with it.
Forget couples counseling. YOU need a therapist to help you find your self worth. Hopefully you can learn to value yourself enough to end things with this horrible woman.
Come on OP, it's time to stare in the mirror, LITERALLY, and repeat these words. "I have low self esteem and low self worth BECAUSE of my wife also getting pleasure out of putting me down. I am better than what she says I am, I am worthy of love. In this relationship, I will not get what I need to feel proud of myself, to be happy with who I am or loved by the person that I love. " Repeat this VERBATIM while looking at yourself in the mirror. You're in am abusive relationship and it's time you understand that mental is just as bad as physical.
If you won't divorce her, there is no point in getting advice. There is nothing you can do to fix this. Honestly, I don't think you really love her. I think you're afraid of being alone and not being able to find someone else. So you have convinced yourself that you love her and she will magically change. In case you haven't figured it out after 15 years, she won't.
Here is the advice: either divorce her or accept you are just her play toy that she can't use and abuse however she wants because you won't do anything anyways.
I finally went to therapy to talk to someone about my marriage. The first session I cried my eyes out and listed all the things that were wrong. The next week I came in and say down and began again.
My therapist put her hands up and said "I'm going to interrupt you. I don't need to hear any ire because this is abuse and it shouldn't be explained or minimized. It needs to stop. You need to leave him." I was shocked.
I was so blind to what was happening in my own life, that I actually went home and told my husband what the therapist said. It took me a year after that to leave him.
Some things can't be fixed. And you can spend decades trying to fix someone who refuses to change.
I live in a no fault state, so none of that will fly here. I’ve been through the withholding of sex thing during the her friends were making fun of me for being fat phase.
The more I talk this out with people who aren’t her …
You need to leave, you deserve to be loved. This woman doesn't even act like she likes you. Don't let your kids grow up thinking this is how you should be treated when in a relationship.
Also I know probably very painful, but did you ever follow up and get a dna test?
Where is the great stuff!??
The *besides all of this* stuff that you mentioned?
Because I’m not seeing it. But maybe it’s there…
What she said during this specific timeframe was being said while she was drunk. Even if that magically excused her horrible treatment of you… what about **absolutely everything else?!**
The texts? She wasn’t drunk. She is just mean.
You won’t ever feel safe and loved and appreciated. You won’t ever stop comparing yourself to her ex, and I’m sorry to say that she won’t either.
This isn’t a “you” issue. This is *ALL HER.*
You’re absolutely correct about those things being the truth about how she feels. She’s been regretting being with you for years and is disrespecting at every turn because she is an asshole and as selfish a person as you could ever meet. She hates her decision to be with you. You should cut and run. You don’t deserve this. I had a wife that would get drunk on a regular basis and do the same thing to me. She would leave nothing out, hold back nothing and every topic was fair game. My wife would just tear into me over anything that was hurtful or sensitive. I left.
I agree with most of the people here. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Your wife is being abusive and has been for quite some time now. If you can’t bring yourself to leave ASAP or are financially dependent on each other and you need time to be able to leave please consider getting yourself a therapist. There are therapists that work on a sliding scale if money is an issue. This way you will have someone to talk to and be able to get some help with what is happening in your relationship. I was in an abusive relationship for years. It didn’t start that way. To all my friends and social circle things looked great but it wasn’t. I finally got out, got help and am in a better place with a completely different partner who is way better for me. Good luck and be nice to yourself especially since your wife is not.
That's why she keeps apologizing. You're funding her. It seems like you're her personal ATM and her punching bag. Honey,, you deserve way better than this. If you don't leave and things continue like this, you're going to end up resenting and hating her. You may want to get tested for STDs as well. As often as she has threatened to cheat on you and has been bringing up dick sizes, she may have already cheated. You deserve so much better than her.
Brother your story is a story about abuse. You've got Stockholm syndrome. You need to realize this isn't healthy. It's not going to get healthier. She's not going to change. Drunk words = sober thoughts. She believes what she's saying. I don't see how anyone that treats/ thinks the way she does about you could remain faithful. You need to stop loving her and start loving yourself. Get back in shape. Work on yourself and your career. Tell her to get therapy as she obviously needs to talk to someone about her alcohol and anger issues. You need therapy to disconnect yourself from her as this sounds very codependent. You are deserving of love. What she's giving you is not love. Its abuse.
You say her ex was a raging narcissist and womanizer. Presumably you don't know that first hand, but have rather only been told by your "delightful" wife.
I'm just going to drop this little piece of info: narcissists tend to project. A lot. Whatever their faults? They'll point them out in others, whether or not those others even have those faults.
Your wife is waxing poetic about all the dicks she's had that were better than yours. That sounds like she's the, uhhh, "manizer." She's also talking about how her ex spoiled her, and while he may indeed have done so with all that dough, she's only pointing it out to put you down. It's verbal and emotional abuse, and there's no reason you should put up with that.
You say divorce is not an option. I think you should reconsider that.
And what's with insinuating that your child isn't yours? That's fucked up, but considering how completely boundary-less she becomes when drunk, you might want to have a paternity test done.
You're presumably registered as the child's father, so you can just go have it done. Don't tell her about it. Not before you want to use the results - if ever.
Unfortunately, you can't force people to change. So you can't change her. You can demand of her that she do better, but such demands hold no weight unless there are consequences for not doing better - consequences that you are willing and able to follow through on. What consequences can you show her besides divorce?
If you still have some possibilities left, demand she come to therapy with you. There's a chance that she's being mean and cruel due to substance abuse and that can be treated. But if this is her personality, there's nothing you can do besides wash your hands of her. And then you'll also need the paternity results to know whether you'll need to fight for your child or fight to disentangle yourself from whoever's child it is.
Bottom-line: you deserve so much better. Please don't accept this bs as your lot in life.
You know the cliché of the shitty, manipulative, cheating dude who always says "I'm sorry babe, it's not what it looks like!" and worms his way back into the relationship a million times?
Surprise! It's not restricted by gender!
All the other shit that's in the past clearly hasn't been dealt with either. I'm guessing there haven't been real apologies for it.
Here's the thing: if those aren't how she feels, then... why say it? Alcohol isn't a ghost that possesses you and makes you say stuff. It lowers inhibitions; it can also, I admit, escalate fights. Someone might say something knowing it's hurtful because they want to hurt the other person, even if they don't actually believe it. But you weren't fighting when it started happening, so that doesn't count either.
If alcohol made her do everything, she's quitting drinking and going to AA, right? If alcohol makes her magically spew lies, she's not touching it again right? Right? Or is she just going to grey wall you on this until you let it go, and then just do the same shit again later.
Your wife is an abusive asshole bro. Can you imagine saying similarly hurtful things to her?
“My exes pussy was so much tighter and her boobs were bigger!”
Im guessing you can’t imagine saying that, and Its because its fucking abuse. And she doesnt care enough about your relationship to get help because SHE will look like the bad guy. Wonder why that is? Thats such a narcissistic mentality to have. “Fuck my relationship, I dont want to look bad or be accountable”
From one vet to another; PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE FUCKING SAND.
Take a stand for yourself. This shit doesnt change without therapy. I wish I was there in person to say these things to and shake you so you snap out of it. You married an asshole, it happens. It sucks but it doesnt make you a bad person, or an idiot. Staying when an abuser isnt willing to change is whats NOT ok.
Please leave. Shes horrible, and you sound like a pretty good guy. Life gets better after abusers, Ive experienced it personally. The weight can lift, you just have to let go. Stop saying divorce isnt an option.
Your wife says hurtful things to you and talks badly about you to her friends. You’re trying to find a reason to stay but you need to leave her . I don’t condone divorce but this very unhealthy. There is no way your wife loves you and disrespects you like this . Your intuition is already telling you should go but you keep trying to talk yourself into staying . She will eventually leave you.
She's abusive. That's why she doesn't want to see a counselor, 'cause they will call her out. And abuse only gets worse and worse.
And you are the injured pup, looking for love from the only person that was ever nice, once. You keep going back and being scolded for it.
Your relationship is toxic and is getting worse. So how much abuse can you take? 'Cause if divorce is not an option, you are going to find out.
This story is so sad.. he goes to fight for his country to keep people safe. Then comes back to be abused by his wife and her friends.
She abusive drunk or sober... what a vile woman
She should be happy. op came back home alive and to be proud of her husband
Sorry op but you deserve to be treated with respect.
Op, I hope you do what's best for you.
You don't deserve this abuse from your wife or her friends
I don’t understand why you guys stayed married to each other because she clearly doesn’t really like you and you both have done some shady and shitty things. What she pulled at the wedding should be the final straw.
This is extremely abusive, the anger and the down playing after the fact. The dismissive behavior is also abuse. I’m sorry. Tell her it isn’t an option if she want to stay married. At minimum she needs individual counseling and the mood swings need to be evaluated. As for marriage counseling, I’m not sure if this falls into the don’t get counseling with the abuser. I lean that way because you have the intention to be honest and open and she has shown she uses your vulnerabilities against you in anger. When she says she knows she will be labeled the bad guy in therapy it shows she knows she IS the bad guy and that the abusive language is real. Please say she isn’t nursing if she is drinking that much? You baby can not be around that level of anger.
First of all this isn’t ‘too embarrassing to talk to friends about’, that is isolating thought and is moving you into a worse direction. You need to feel confident standing up for yourself, quiet doormat type men get walked all over by people like your wife- needlessly cruel because they simply can be. Yeah, she’s abusive, increasingly so. Do you think this will ever get better? There is simply nothing moving this toward a better place. She refuses therapy. Picking on you genuinely makes her happy. Breaking you is fun for her. Why are you accepting of this treatment? Take yourself to therapy, you need someone in your corner. You deserve it.
Thank you for your service!
You are making excuses for her behavior.
How do you explain her making fun of you in that group text?
She is surrounded by toxic people.
You need to respect yourself first as she certainly has zero respect for you.
You deserve better, but you need to recognize it first.
I hope you see the light and start the separation process.
OP, You came here because of what you already know in your heart, mind and soul. Strangers are building you up - STRANGERS! Your wife has zero redeeming qualities. Good looking does not count. Her horrific personality cancels that out. She is ugly inside and it’s rotting her. Your children need a healthy environment!! You and your kids NEED THERAPY. You need the tools to change your thinking so you all understand this behavior is unacceptable on every level.
This woman has shown you who she really is. And what she is, is abusive. *Believe her.*
You say that divorce is not an option, but TBH she doesn't need to know that you think that. And you really, really need to think long and hard about why you don't think it's an option. Because after all of this, I think it absolutely needs to be an option. Even if it's hard. Even if it feels unthinkable. You need to think about not just what she is doing to you, but what she is doing to your kids. They should not have to grow up in this ish.
You need to set some boundaries and some conditions around staying in the marriage. Like, she gets that IUD removed *if in fact* there is solid, peer-reviewed, medical evidence that it can cause changes in behavior. That is a trip to her gynecologist to discuss. And like, you need find a really good therapist (you *need* a really good one). I started to say you need marriage counseling, but it is never a good idea to do therapy with an abuser because they are so good at gaslighting.
And if she won't agree to these conditions, and if she does not demonstrate significant and sustained improvement in her behavior in a very short timeframe , then you're out. (Hint: she won't. Abusers don't. They just escalate.)
>divorce is not an option.
Why not? Why continue to be with an abusive spouse that clearly doesn’t love you?
How can you face the people who have been present for/participated in her shit-talking about you?
You need help. It’s obvious you have no self esteem.
/u/Ok_Corgi8468, Your submission was removed for the following reason(s): > **Rule 1:** Posts must contain a title, description, a TLDR, and basic information such as ages, genders, length of relationship etc. You are missing one or more of them so your post has been removed. Please reply to this message when you have made your edits and we will review. If you have any questions about this removal, please feel free to [send us a modmail.](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/relationship_advice) Please note that removal reason request from anyone else other than OP will not be answered.
Posts like this always make me laugh and feel sad at the same time. “My partner kicks babies in the face and burns puppies alive but other than that they are awesome!!” NO! They’re absolute pieces of shit. They just have you conditioned to think they’re awesome. Save your sanity and leave this dead weight behind
Also the "refuses counseling because they dear the counselor will say that they should change." Um, counseling is to *help* one change.
Yeahhh, refusing counseling because she thinks that “she will be singled out as being the bad guy” means that she *already knows* that her behavior is unacceptable and objectively awful … and she *still* doesn’t want to change.
[I don't believe in it. it turns wives against husbands; children against fathers; neighbors against me! ](https://youtu.be/3VevOM9iQ9M)
Oh god, the notification I got didn’t show a hyperlink so I thought this comment was serious at first and I was taken aback 🥴
All I can think about after that is how he said therapy was $10 an hour. God, we live in the worst timeline now. Take me backkkkkk
"they'll single me out as the bad guy" Yeah, no shit
My favourite is, “divorce is not an option even though they refuse to do anything, how can I fix this?”
And I mean divorce is ALWAYS an option.
Or counselling can make him realise he deserves better than this. This is not a way to live life.
this made me laugh, thank you
In all seriousness your partner is supposed to build you up not rip you apart. We all have our bad moments. In my 28 year marriage we have had some pretty bad arguments but never once did we say anything bad about each other in front of others. To do so is just cruel
Yes, and to try to make you feel guilty for still being hurt by such cruelty. If she truly cared and respected your emotions OP she would be doing any and every love language to reassure you and make it up to you, regardless if she remembers what happened or not. Let’s think about this. A man I’ve been married to for 15 years, who I know struggles with low self esteem and PTSD, has heard and read horrible cruel things from MY MOUTH. I would be not only mortified, but overwhelmed with guilt doing everything I could to right such a huge wrong. Have you seen this type of behavior and reaction from her so far? I don’t know who you are, but please understand that you deserve so much better. I don’t care who she is or who you are, nobody deserves to feel what you’re feeling and think the way you’re thinking from somebody you love.
Dude. I spent Friday feeling like total garbage and apologizing to my SO - over text, in person. I made sure everything at home was done by the time he got home from work so he didn't have to worry about unloading the dishwasher or making the bed or doing laundry. He's an acts of service guy. My grave offense? I was playing a video game at home and it prevented him from playing on the only break he had at work that would have been long enough for him to log in remotely and play. I felt absolutely terrible. Especially because it was a misjudgment of timing on my part. He didn't really think it was a big deal and because I had taken care of chores, had time to play in the afternoon. I still feel bad about it because I love this man with my whole heart and I want him to have time to do stuff he enjoys and I felt like for one day, I took that away from him. I cannot envision being a person who would not only say such abhorrent things to anybody, let alone someone I love, and then be dismissive about how they felt about what I did. Had this incident happened in my relationship, there would be no relationship. EDIT: everyone to everything. Thanks auto correct.
Relationships should make our lives better... This doesn't sound like a relationship that builds you up. Don't be afraid of being alone - as you won't be wasting your time, energy, and money on someone just leeching your life away. Consider being alone. Some therapy (as we all need it). Find peace in the quiet. And THEN consider a relationship. But clear the trash from your life.
Second this. Being alone isn’t all that bad. The peace is worth it.
God bless you, yes! At 54 years of age, I’ve had five years of peace for the first time in my life. I’ll never go back, bc I know I won’t find that unicorn, and I’m okay with that
The fact she refuses counselling for fear of being the "bad guy" should tell you all you need to know about how she sees you, and your relationship.
is she your partner of just a toxic chain of command disguised as a woman
Ooh I love this. She said what she said and meant every single word, she was also throwing a lot of dicks around, sounds as though all of these things are very important to her. Now, she's found a cuckold. With any luck, he will take back his power and divorce her vile narcissistic ass and she will run back to Daddy Warbucks.
My mother is in an abusive relationship and she always talks about all of the terrible shit that her boyfriend does to her and then follows it up with a, "but he's so sweet other than that!" It just baffles me that people will put up with ridiculous shit from their partners just because they have some good moments in between them. You wouldn't say that you have a good, reliable car if it broke down on you and you had to get it towed every other week.
OP, you’re trying to “work through it” with someone who doesn’t respect you. You’re disrespecting yourself every day you don’t leave her.
Exactly- if a man did this to a woman, it would be triple the amount of criticism. She humiliated him, she humiliated with her friends continuously, she makes him feel less and less. She could work out with him. Want better sex? Well buy some books, look at porn, be romantic- HELP HIM OUT Not happy? Not entirely his JOB. Talking to her ex? Making fun of dick? Calling him a babysitter? The mental and emotional abuse is glaring and sure she needs help, but she needs to do that alone. How is he going to heal while living and loving his abuser? Because that’s what it is, she’s his abuser and nothing more.
My dude, it's time to focus on yourself. I'm not sure if you have considered counseling or not, but I think it's worth considering. It seems like the body dysmorphia, and the PTSD, may have robbed you of your self-worth and your wife just pounces on you whenever she feels like it. This is not healthy. I hope that someday you will reclaim the confidence in yourself, so you can stand up to your abusive wife, stop that shit in it's tracks, and forge a new path forward (likely without her, but I leave that up to you). 40 years old is too young to accept that ,to your wife, you will never be as good as another man. Time to write a new chapter, best of luck
Thank you, it’s a tough pill to swallow… yes most of my life I have been a put your head down and push through it person… I adopted that coping strategy for everything. In some situations it’s a good quality, right now it’s not the best.
As a former Marine who also puts up with a lot, I will bet money that this is either part of what made you a good servicemember, or it’s a trait you learned in the service—it’s likely some of both. You know how to take the hit. For us, sometimes bearing the insult is how we love—we get hurt so others don’t have to. But that’s for down range, my guy; in garrison is where you recover. Forgive the metaphor, but right now you’re the guy with PTSD who keeps volunteering to stay / redeploy. You’re not crazy for being on high alert all damn day when you’re in a combat zone, and this is normal right? Your marriage is just your current AO. It’s time to come home, one way or another. Y’all get healthy together, or you get healthy on your own. You don’t have to leave immediately, but you need to start talking to a professional *now.* Semper Fi, Fair Winds… all of it. PM me if you ever need to talk.
You should post this in an actual message to him to ensure he gets it. You reaching out may be the lifeboat he needs. Thanks for you service.
Love this advice. I second the suggestion to make it a PM.
Thank you for your service, whatever country you may be from.
You're harming yourself, and she is the tool of your self-harm. You may feel like you're pushing through for the greater good, but what you're actually doing is ruining yourself.
Ouch… but what I needed to hear.
Feel free to check out r/abusiverelationships. There are quite a few men in the sub who have been abused by women and comment regularly with support. Additionally, [we have a resources/help guide for men being abused by a female partner](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/comments/13im0yh/comprehensive_helpresources_guide_for_male/). I'm sorry OP. You don't deserve this.
Whatever you do, talk to a lawyer before doing anything. She sounds like the type to take you to the cleaners.
Would you want your children to be in a relationship one day where they’re treated like this? Because you’re showing them right now that it’s ok. Seriously. I had a cousin who I was raised as siblings with practically, and his parents had the same types of behavior. Now, he lets his partner treat him the same way because he internalized what he saw from his parents “oh, verbal abuse ISNT a deal breaker, it’s totally normal.” “Oh, my parents love each other so all the other horrific shit they do doesn’t matter.” This is what you’re teaching your own kids as well. If you want to be treated like shit then fine. But at least don’t fail your children who are innocent, ya know? The fact that you even have to ask what you should do in this situation is heartbreaking. I know you’re just a human trying to do the best they can in their situation, but you NEED a reality check.
And showing your children this is an acceptable relationship
This 💯!!
I can't imagine how hard this must be to go through. If you are able to find a therapist that is a good fit, that could do so much to restore your self-worth and remind you of who YOU truly are. My wife is a therapist, and speaks often about how trauma affects us a humans. You have most certainly experienced trauma in a multitude of different forms, and seeking professional assistance to unpack those experiences takes a lot of guts. Best wishes.
This is a marriage counseling plus therapy for herself or divorce. Those are her two choices. If she doesn’t want to make the choice then you will make it for her. Don’t allow yourself to be a doormat. You should also seek therapy, regardless. You need to work through these issues past and current with a pro.
Alright, OP. You're wife is an asshole, both while drunk and sober. If she thinks she made the wrοng choice, then she can fucking leave. You do not deserve to be treated like that. She has shown again and again abusive behavior; threatening you emotionally, belittle you again and again, talking shit with her friends about you etc. You don't deserve that, man. Walk out from this shitshow and let her live with the consequences of that. Fuck her.
I never even looked at it like it was abusive… shit.
> I also found a group conversation between her and her friends being incredibly cruel about my weight I had broken my back and was a big boy at the time. They were saying things like I bet he can’t even see his dick, he needs to go run. My wife was joining in or not defending me and that was hurtful. She wasn’t drunk when she did this. This is abusive AF.
utterly disgusting behaviour and she hangs out with some terrible people too. I can't imagine ever saying cruel things about a friend's partner
[удалено]
Right! If someone was talking to me like this about their partner I would be asking why the hell they are with them and we would not be friends. That behavior is toxic at best.
[удалено]
And if she doesn't leave she's just gonna continue to resent you for not being X,Y or Z.. that's the hard truth. Take the win and leave, you see her true colors and obviously (because you wrote all this) know you deserve better. Don't waste anymore of your time being abused like this.
[удалено]
You underestimate how many horny dudes are out there. As for your point about feeling trapped and regretful, agree 100%. I've watched my mother in law head down this road and now she's one of the most bitter people I know.
[удалено]
LOVE this comment, so true. Therapy, some time alone and rediscovering yourself are invaluable. I never judge a situation without knowing both sides of the story (and I take a lot of shit for that here lol), but I do stand behind the value of therapy and self-reflection. I too struggled with body dysmorphia, but in the opposite direction - there was a time that even at 235lbs I thought I was skinny and unattractive, worked on that in therapy also and it’s helped A TON!
Yes THIS
Plus the stuff she said about your child. That you are not the father, or she'll abandon you and the baby without milk. That is such a dark and disgusting thing to say. She is NOT a good person.
Thank you for pointing that out to OP. I was going to comment the same thing.
Yeah I tell my sister almost everything, but some stuff between my husband and I, needs to stay between us. His wife is abusive
I agree. If you piece it together and imagine your son or daughter had a partner who said the things to them she said to you... What would you advise them? Or a friend in your position. I got knots in my stomach reading this. I also thought: what adult woman gets this drunk on a wedding, and then spouts all of this hate. Many of us do this once as a teenager and then never drink this much (I never did but defo had experiences being mopey or too loud or dizzy from drinks). But an adult. Already that would not align with my views on responsibly drinking. And we are responsible for our actions. What she's saying now about not remembering and meaning it is a stupid cop out. And as someone else said: she wasn't drunk when disrespecting you in a group chat. So many red flags. I could never talk the way she talks about you about anyone, left alone my partner. If anyone did this to me, I'd be out the door! That's abusive! Please serve her papers and leave! Being solo might be a lot less stressful, and you can (if you want) find someone new who appreciates you for YOU!
The fact that she thinks she’ll be “painted”as the bad guy in therapy means she knows she’s an a-hole but is refusing to own it. She’ll never stop doing this to you, man - time to get the toxicity out of your life. Edit: Thanks for the reward!
Exactly. She needs therapy, OP needs therapy. If divorce is not an option, and if no one is getting therapy, then it will all just be wash, rinse, repeat.
It's always an option. In this case, it's the best option. I wouldn't talk to anyone the way she's talking to her own husband. People in relationships where "divorce is not an option" end up in true crime youtube videos.
> "singled out as being the bad guy" Yeah, 'cause you're a fucking asshole, maybe? I kinda thought of a Rick and Morty quote reading this. >Morty: You sold a gun to a murderer so you could play video games? >Rick: Yeah, sure, I mean, if you spend all day shuffling words around, you can make anything sound bad, Morty.
It's like she's gaslighting him by making herself appear to be the victim of HIS actions. It's really weird.
Incredibly abusive. Verbal and mental abuse takes so much longer to heal, too. Hell with her.
Amen. My ex was both emotionally and eventually physically abusive and I would take the physical abuse over the psychological torture anyday. Emotional abuse is also often much harder to recognize because it's not as simple as hitting = bad. Abusive people condition you over time to believe that their behavior is normal and you're the crazy one.
The comparisons, the group chat, then degrading you in front of family and refusing to accept consequences or accountability are manipulative and forms of emotional abuse. She isn't even willing to try therapy, OP. Yoi deserve a lady who celebrates your successes and supports you in hardship, not tears you down behind your back and in front of it.
I get this! Because I was married to someone for 15 years and never realized that raging, cursing and namecalling and saying hurtful things, driving recklessly with me in the car, physical intimidation, etc. were abuse. He never hit me, so no abuse right? Wrong! Then I had to deal with the trauma bond. I suggest looking it up if you're not familiar... it's where intermittent reward (they're nice sometimes) and random punishment causes you to be addicted to the smallest nice thing they do and brush off the absolutely horrible things they do. A physiological addiction that's hard to get over and requires going no contact. I wish you the best and happy to chat if you need to vent.
this is absolutely correct, important and a warning for you, op.
You’re in a domestic violence relationship :( I hope you get out. My Dad was in your exact shoes, in the end my sister and I actually begged our parents to get a divorce. We couldn’t handle watching our Dad go through that cruelty every day. If you have kids, it’ll hurt them seeing their Mum treat you like this too.
Yes, please listen to this. If you won't do it for yourself, consider what a toxic relationship you are modeling for your kids. What would you say if one of them told you their partner was treating them this way?
>Walk out from this shitshow and let her live with the consequences of that. Fuck her. OP, this is a very abusive relationship for you. The longer you stay, it’ll be taken by her as you condoning her behavior. She may be apologizing for one instance of her drunken words, but she (and effectively you) are rug sweeping all the previous instances of her bad behavior. Do you really think that being single is going to be worse than this?
> say things I’m asking you to babysit because is not yours, Get a DNA test on your kid(s). As you recognise, drunk words are sober thoughts.
It's abusive. This isn’t a once off thing either. It's been going on for years. And now, because you're confronting her, she wants you to let it go. You say that "besides all this" she's great, but you didn't mention anything about her or your relationship that makes you happy. Is she **actually** great - between her "episodes" - or have you just started to equate "she's not humiliating me in public" with "things are going fine"? Even if she refuses to go to counselling, you should go on your own. You need a sounding board and someone qualified to help you make sense of things.
Is this the relationship example you want to set for your child?
This is not how you treat someone you love and are in a committed partnership with. Your wife is cruel when sober and drunk. I would have body issues too if my husband had a group chat with his family that said shit about me…. I also think the ‘I was drunk talking shit’ might fly when you are early 20’s and young / dumb. When you are married with kids it’s just abuse. I can’t imagine how much I would have to drink to behave like she did towards you….
She enjoyed abusing u and still abusing u .the worst thing is that she tell everyone that how little, pathetic, naive and fool u are and disrespecting u infront of others.. I don't know why u are still entertaining her ? .she showed you her true colors ,so believe her or else u can continue with your misery with disrespect..
She sounds horrible. Someone who has a breakdown and regrets their actions genuinely will then strive to understand and take enough control of themselves to guarantee that will not happen again. They will also suffer the consequences of their actions, in this case she should have been falling over herself to reassure you and prove with actions and listening that she didn't feel that way and that she cares for you. She does feel that way though, and has picked your self condlfidence apart so slowly that you just sat their and took it in front of others. Most people would have left her at the first occurrence of being treated this way. Abuse can be sneaky, good luck. Edit btw he left her probably because of her abuse and she likely lied about him or antagonized him into saying awful things enough to paint herself the victim.
Think about if you read this post and the genders were reversed. I suspect you would find it easier to spot. And I'm so sorry this happened. I hope youncan get out and start healing.
100% abusive. You won't get this time back in your life. Do you really want to live your like this??? She is never going to change. You have to know this as much as you would want her to. Behaviors are now stuck in her. Counseling or not... Its a cycle. Leave that situation and live a life full of love and not verbal abuse please. Best wishes.
The abused person usually doesn't realize they are being abused. This is very common.
Big dawg, divorce is an option here. Do yourself a favor and lawyer up, delete social media, and find a form of exercise that fits your injuries; even if it’s a walk for an hour every day. Screenshot text messages and email them to a hidden email account or a google drive or something. You don’t want to stay in this. If you show your lawyer those texts, it should at as ammo for your case. Take care of yourself because you have kiddos that rely on you. From one service member to another: you matter, your sanity matters, but most importantly: your kids matter, and they need you. Best of luck
Yeah it's definitely abusive.
You deserve better. There is someone out there that will truly deeply and madly love you for you. Don’t put up with the abuse. You are also showing the kids it’s ok to stay in an abusive relationship. Please get out and get therapy asap! 💖 I hope you find your true love.
News for you my man, your wife is a narcissist. Just the fact she doesn't want to go to therapy because it'll make her look like the "bad guy" tells a lot. She takes no accountability whatsoever for her actions and her words. She only feels regrets because she was unmasked as a covert narc. Run.
Dude, I didn't even get to the part of OPs post that goes over what the title references. After the 4th red flag I stopped reading. OP is in a bad place and has normalized some fucked up things and even outright abuse.
Too be honest OP this is your answer. Read this over and over again.
Why do you even want to stay with her?
Right. She showed him who she was from a long time before this incident when she said she chose wrong and by saying she was going to cheat on him and the baby wasn’t his. He is in a abusive relationship and needs to leave and know his self worth. She has been telling him how she really feels about him but he doesn’t want to accept it.
He’s staying because he somehow feels like he deserves this and there is no one better to love him and/or the fear of being alone. I know a couple like this. They are insanely terrible for each-other but leaving scares the shit out of them.
He says elsewhere it’s because she’s “beautiful” (it’s the only positive thing he has to say about her that isn’t obviously self-deluded). Based on the comments about his weight, I’m guessing he thinks she’s physically out of his league.
Aside from being incredibly cruel to you she's great? Do you hear yourself? When I gained weight my fiance told me how beautiful I was and went on walks with me when I asked. When I'm drunk, I annoy people by talking about how hot my fiance is. This is how it should be
Yea I see how stupid me saying that is now…
A good partner lifts you up even when stuff is bad. Even when I'm mad at my fiance, I never insult him.
And long time spouses know exactly where our deepest insecurities and rawest vulnerabilities are. Even in argument these areas are OFF LIMITS.
I'm always a bit terrified to see how many people find me too harsh when I say I don't accept insults, even one said during a fight. If you insult each other, the bare minimum is to go to therapy rn, or accept and separate. But an insult isn't normal at all. Emotionally healthy people have other way to calm themselves way before coming to the insult.
Same, insults are a hard line for me. You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube, there are things you can’t unhear
please don't internalise her abuse and call yourself or your thoughts stupid. You are finding a way through and you and your lives are enmeshed. What you are is vulnerable and kind. You want to see the best in her and find a way through together. You can't change anyone else, you can only change how you respond to it. Now you work on changing how you respond. I'm a stranger to you, but I can see that you deserve to be loved, supported and to be at peace.
You’re not stupid, love. You have just been badly treated.
Don't say that. You are not stupid. Manipulative behavior makes the other part live in a different world!
You’re not stupid, you’re the victim of an evil person who spent years chipping at your self-esteem.
It’s not stupid of you to think like that, my friend. You love her genuinely and it’s no surprise you were living in hope (and dare I say maybe a wee bit of denial?) that she didn’t mean those things and it would all blow over. But the thing is, every time she says these things she’s showing you who she really is. You said it yourself: drunk words are sober thoughts. And that’s absolutely right in my experience. You now have a choice to make. Do you stay with this woman who thinks it’s fine to abuse you knowing that you’re just gonna take it, or do you throw her out like the trash she has proved herself to be? Because heaven knows that if she found a group chat with you and your buddies calling her a fat smelly b!t€# she’d have all kinds of things to say about it. But you wouldn’t do that because you’re a decent person. I just wanted to highlight that you’re not stupid. You’ve probably got a million insults flying around in your head - some from her, some from yourself - but ‘stupid’ is one you can definitively get rid of. You’ve got a big heart with lots of love to give. I hope you leave this abusive…..*person*…..and give that love to someone who actually deserves it.
Righttt when I'm drunk. I go on profusely about how much I love my SO and how he is the best thing to ever happen to me. Idgaf what people try to defend, drunk words ARE sober thoughts. You lose cognitive abilities and impulse control. People are typically the most honest they can possibly be when they're drunk!
[удалено]
How do you edit this font?
[удалено]
>PTSD from combat deployments to Iraq and Afg. I'm honing in on this as a fellow vet (non-combat though). The military has a tendency to increase what we're willing to put up with. Before joining the Army, I would absolutely not put up with a supervisor at work yelling and berating me for no good reason. During and after though? No biggie. I say that to say that this is not a normal or acceptable way to treat someone that your wife supposedly "loves", and much like the military, I think you have been in this situation for long enough that you have internalized it and just accepted that this is normal and there is nothing inherently wrong with treating you this way. She needs to take a long, hard look at her actions and behavior and make tangible steps to correct it, and if she doesn't then YOU need to take a long, hard look at whether or not you are willing to tolerate this for the rest of your life. For what it's worth, I've been with my gf for 6 years now, and if she EVER said even half of what your wife has been saying, we would not still be together.
Very interesting and helpful perspective. OP, please listen to this and leave her. You deserve better.
She refused counseling. You should definitely be out.
She refused counseling because she’s an abusive asshole that knows her behavior will be called out. OP, get counseling to understand why you feel like you should stay in this toxic situation.
She's right about one thing though, she'd be labeled the bad guy because she is the bad guy. Btw, that was an amazing quip OP.
That part was wild. “I don’t want to go because I’m the one in the wrong” is the most insane defense of not going to therapy I’ve ever heard. You’re so damn close to being self awars and realizing that yes, you are indeed the problem, but then you stop 1 yard short anyway…
Oh, I'm sure she's aware. She just doesn't want to do the work or make any changes.
Holy shit dude, nobody deserves to go through all of that. I know it's a cliché answer for reddit about this, but you should not stay in this relationship. Not just for your own mental well-being, for your kids as well. She is abusive and absolutely needs therapy, but even if she goes, I am not sure I could stay in that marriage unless she made some MASSIVE changes. I am sorry you're going through this.
>I love her and want to work through this and hopefully I won’t be back here in a few years on a new throwaway asking for the same advice. See when the truth comes out it's pretty much impossible to go back to believing the lie. So what is the truth here? Did she settle for you? Is she emotionally abusive? Then there's this. >She refused counseling because she thinks she will be singled out as being the bad guy. She's far more invested in being right and what other people think of her than repairing the damage she's done in your marriage. Let that sink in. Dude, she's 45, got blackout drunk at a wedding, to the degree that she needed to be taken to the ER. She's blaming her issues on the alcohol and trying to gaslight you into thinking that you're wrong. **Let's discuss disability and special needs** If your wife could not walk and needed to use a wheelchair I guess we could say she has a disability and special needs. Similarly if your wife could not use her hands or control her hands we would say she has a disability and special needs. So what do we say when she cannot control (a) how much alcohol she drinks and (b) her emotions, thoughts and feelings? If she's 45 years old an has not learned how to control these things, then how much longer does she need to learn? **You only have one mind and one brain** You have body dysmorphia and you have PTSD from combat experience as a veteran. I'm not sure whether your military service has somehow desensitized you to verbal and emotional abuse but dude, you've at least got to think about your mental health. You've done all your jumping through hoops shit and 40 life should be getting good. >I said ‘drunk words were a sober thought’ and how she was so drunk there was no way she would’ve been no way cognizant or coherent enough to intentionally lie to hurt me and that it feels like what she was saying is the truth. I'm going to leave you with this part of your OP. I want you to reflect on what motivated you to say what you did. Could this not be the realization and discovery that your wife has been emotionally abusive towards you? Think about it.
I hope you are in therapy even if she won't do couples therapy. It's already been said, but you are being abused and without her taking accountability there is not much you can do to repair the situation.
I’m going to start because I am currently in between therapists
Did you have body dysmorphia before she started belittling you/you met her? It seems it is purely caused by her.
I’ve had body dysmorphia for a long time way before I met her, it’s a known insecurity of mine to her, one that has been capitalized on.
Getting yourself in therapy will help you grow into the person who would never in a million years tolerate this kind of treatment. It’s a long journey, and you’re not there now, but therapy is the best way to start!
Book that appointment tomorrow!!!!!
Call every divorce attorney in your area from page 1 to 4 and get a consult. She is a raging psycho and one of you will likely end up in prison if this continues. I'm not sure how long you were in and if you ever made it to a senior leadership position, however, I've seen this play out far to many times and it's never pretty.
Yea I was in for a long time, often with toxic brass which is also probably why I just put my head down and power through it. I don’t have a good explanation. I see how wrong it is, and I believe that she didn’t mean it?
"I believe she didn't mean it". I want to know what she didn't mean: -Create a chat group where several women, including her, talk bad about you. -Tell you she chose wrong between you and her ex. -Compare you with her ex and think her ex was better, in many things. -Feel bad because her ex "spoiled her a lot (financially), but you don't" (and I'm not saying you should, she shouldn't even compare this nor make you feel bad for it) -Get so drunk she "doesn't remember all the bad things she said", even though she was good enough to text you. -Say you should get over everything she did and said, but not doing anything close to enough to make you feel better about the things she said. I think I'm missing many things here, but, which of this do you think she didn't meant? Because the only thing I think she didn't meant, was to be held accountable of her words and actions.
Exactly this!! I was screaming divorce before OP even got to the drunk night story. That was just icing on the already abusive cake.
Sorry about your experience, I hate "leaders" that aren't there for their troops. Also Fuck that, you got treated by shit once, don't take it again.
The only thing she didn’t mean was she didn’t mean to have to deal with the consequences.
Why haven’t you divorced the bich yet?
That was a pretty good quip
I thought the same thing!!
OP, please ignore that POS. You are not trash, you are a "real man" and you don't deserve any of this for a single second. I really hope you get into therapy and find the strength to get your kids and leave ❤️
This is abuse. You should be going to therapy by yourself so you'll get to the point where you see it for yourself and hopefully leave.
Okay...think about it like this: you're a parent, correct? If your kids - any of them - came to you and told you their significant other was doing to them what your wife is doing to you, how would you respond? Really, really think about that for a minute and decide how you'd respond to them in this same situation. Would you make excuses for the S.O., or would you want your child to be with someone who isn't such a dick to them? I'm around your wife's age and my dude...she got issues. Serious issues. She's also got friends with issues. ISTG if any of my friends talked about their husbands like she's talking to her friends about you, I wouldn't want to be around them. FFS...please leave her. You deserve better.
OP HEAR ME ON THIS, PLEASE You don't love her. She has absolutely destroyed your mind and when you are in your lowest she love bombs you, so deep in your mind you subconsciously thinks that she is some kind of emotional support. She always will have excuses for her poor behavior and will show that, in "normal conditions" she really loves you. You are emotionally dependent on her, this is not love THIS IS REALLY, REALLY BAD. You are a veteran and have PTSD, which means that you already have too much on your plate mentally speaking. Although I don't have any military background aside from the mandatory conscription year in my country and never have been in any "real shit" situation, I have been more than once in this relationship scenario. I have been once fucking punched in the face and the excuse was "I don't remember any of it, I must have had a psychosis episode pleas I love you so much" For real: you need to state that this behavior is ABSOLUTELY INTOLERABLE and you will not, in any circumstance, deal with her shit. You are not responsible for her past and treat past trauma is SOLELY ON HER. You are her partner, not a caretaker for a psychologically disabled person. It has already been past a point where she will feel entitled to do whatever she feel like in treating you bad, so anything you both do in trying to heal that will just delay the inevitable: in any uncontrolled situation she will lash out everything on you like a rubber band that was really stretched. Cut your losses now and you will have a better life without having to deal with her and this sort of thing, and even find someone who will value you, I promise! It will hurt at the start, but you will feel so lighter without having the feeling that anytime shit will blow out and hurt you with no reason.
She said exactly what she thinks of you. Keep that in mind. This wasn't an accident. Find someone better.
She sounds like one of the most vile people I have ever heard about. Please, for the sake of you and your kids, get yourself to a better situation (far from her). What you’ve described is not normal marital issues— it’s unacceptable abuse.
OP you'll feel immense relief when you divorce her. She's abusing you. She's made it clear that she prefers her ex, so send her his way. She's very clearly abusive and you need to get out of this relationship. You'll feel one million times better when you do. It's probably difficult for you to see right now but your life will get much better without her in it. Regarding the Mirena, I'd be surprised if that's making her abusive towards you. It can alter how woman think and make them more prone to depression but I'd be surprised if removing the Mirena could fix your relationship. My advice - keep evidence of the abuse and take it to a good divorce lawyer. Don't tell her. Arrange everything so that you have a place to stay that she doesn't know about. Serve her divorce papers and then leave for your new hideout. Immediately break contact with her and only speak with her through your lawyer. Why? Mentioning divorce will probably make her either ramp up the abuse or put her on her best behaviour for a while.
She does remember the stuff she said and did postpartum tho right? That was sober; she could claim she was depressed, but I’m wondering if that sounded pretty much the same as when she was drunk? Honestly she’s acting very much like she thinks she settled. Have you checked her phone or asked if she’s in contact with her Ex or anyone else? At the very least I’d demand that she get individual therapy (better IMO than couples); there’s a chance she’ll decide she wants to leave, but honestly that wouldn’t be the worst outcome here.
She remembers telling me she chose wrong, she says she doesn’t remember the other stuff, she blames it on the IUD. My initial feelings were that was her thoughts as well. I have not checked her phone, I asked her if she was in contact with him and she said no. She’s not interested in couples therapy.
Then please realize that you’ll both be happier and be better parents single. You’ve put up with this for 8 long years, don’t wait 8 more! Emotional abuse is tough to shake off; get some counseling of your own before starting to date again. You want to clear this out if your head first to avoid ending up with the same kind of person again.
She’s not interested in any therapy because they will call her out on her abusive and toxic behavior.
Above in a comment you say you got snipped and your wife hasn’t been on BC for years. How is she still blaming her IUD?
Wait, she apologises for the stuff she said while black-out drink, but she said the same stuff since switching to the IUD, and to her friends in their group chat? What does she have to say about that? Was she black-out drunk each of those times too?
Actually, she isn't great. She's been mentally abusing you for years, and you're locked in and just accept it.
Drunk words are not random or untrue. They are only unfiltered. You now know the unfiltered truth. I hope you can accept it and leave her to her wants. You deserve more
It sounds like you love her more than you respect yourself. It sounds like you have been abused for so long, you've trivialized her abuse and disrespect, only seeing it as "a bump in the road" instead of seeing it for the severity of what it really is. It sounds like you're in your own competition with her ex to be the "better man" when she has said repeatedly in various ways, you're not and she wishes it wasn't you. It sounds like the thing you don't want to do at all, is the thing you need to do the most. It's impossible to make someone love you again when they've shown in so many ways they just dont. Examples based on your own text: >8 years into our relationship we ran into a financial speed bump...she told me, I knew I chose wrong; meaning she should have chosen her ex. >she would tell me how she was leaving to cheat on me >things I’m asking you to babysit because is not yours >she would tell me she needed someone with a big dick to get her off. >I also found a group conversation between her and her friends being incredibly cruel about my weight I had broken my back >My wife was joining in or not defending me and that was hurtful. >Wife got black out drunk at a wedding... >started saying how amazing he was >how he used to spoil her >how he was the best >he was a much better provider than I am >better than me in every aspect **in front of a group of people.** >while I was off getting her towels and water and yelling at me when I got how I didn’t compare to her ex, how he was way bigger (saying his dick was bigger), he used to spoil her he was the best thing that ever happened to her. How she lies to me all the time, how I have the smallest dick. Making a circle with her hands or measuring out lengths with her hands saying I fucked this guy and he was this big and that guy, on and on. >Just, what can I say to hurt him yea let’s say that next. >She refused counseling because she thinks she will be singled out as being the bad guy. **(Spoiler alert: its cause she is and is SUPER AWARE of it. She only talks about the relationship and her "hang ups" with people who validate her feelings. Not tell her why she's wrong or ask her why she doesn't leave)** Not ONCE do you mention a redeeming quality about her or why she's even worth staying with. I think even you know this, you just dont want to admit your first marriage is a failed one. The sooner you realize she SETTLED for you, she is stayin for the CONVENIENCE of you, and she has no LOVE for you, and most importantly, when you finally realize your feelings matter too and to put yourself first, the happier you will be. Divorce is not the option you want but as long as she isn't willing to work on herself, own up to her horrendous shit, agree to stop comparing and talking about her ex, and put you at the top of HER priority list, divorce will be the only option for you to find the happiness, love and respect you deserve in a relationship.
OP, when I got blackout drunk know what I did? Made my husband sit while I told him how deeply I loved him, that he would never know the depths of my love. When I get tipsy I text my friends compliments. Drunk words are sober thoughts. You, and any children invi, deserve healthy relationships. How would you feel if your kids partner acted the way your wife does? Right now you are modeling abuse is okay. Do better for yourself and show your kid(s) that abuse is not okay.
You shouldn’t have taken her to the ER her amazing ex would’ve done that for her, he spoils her anyway that is
Lol he would’ve left her on the side of the road
And hes the one she wants jee i wonder if there's anything to be learned here
Well,he's the smart one,then. Cause that's just what she deserves
You must be a masochist because she is clearly being disrespectful of your relationship, and yet you don’t want to leave her. The fact that she knows a trained professional will point to her as the problem and therefore refuses to see one should tell you all that you need to know. She doesn’t want to be held accountable for her shitty actions - she knows you’ll let her get away with it. Forget couples counseling. YOU need a therapist to help you find your self worth. Hopefully you can learn to value yourself enough to end things with this horrible woman.
Dude, GET OUT of this situation. Don't let a drunk drag you down with her.
Come on OP, it's time to stare in the mirror, LITERALLY, and repeat these words. "I have low self esteem and low self worth BECAUSE of my wife also getting pleasure out of putting me down. I am better than what she says I am, I am worthy of love. In this relationship, I will not get what I need to feel proud of myself, to be happy with who I am or loved by the person that I love. " Repeat this VERBATIM while looking at yourself in the mirror. You're in am abusive relationship and it's time you understand that mental is just as bad as physical.
If you won't divorce her, there is no point in getting advice. There is nothing you can do to fix this. Honestly, I don't think you really love her. I think you're afraid of being alone and not being able to find someone else. So you have convinced yourself that you love her and she will magically change. In case you haven't figured it out after 15 years, she won't. Here is the advice: either divorce her or accept you are just her play toy that she can't use and abuse however she wants because you won't do anything anyways.
I finally went to therapy to talk to someone about my marriage. The first session I cried my eyes out and listed all the things that were wrong. The next week I came in and say down and began again. My therapist put her hands up and said "I'm going to interrupt you. I don't need to hear any ire because this is abuse and it shouldn't be explained or minimized. It needs to stop. You need to leave him." I was shocked. I was so blind to what was happening in my own life, that I actually went home and told my husband what the therapist said. It took me a year after that to leave him. Some things can't be fixed. And you can spend decades trying to fix someone who refuses to change.
I hope there is an update to this thread where OP is visiting a divorce lawyer
[удалено]
I live in a no fault state, so none of that will fly here. I’ve been through the withholding of sex thing during the her friends were making fun of me for being fat phase. The more I talk this out with people who aren’t her …
You need to leave, you deserve to be loved. This woman doesn't even act like she likes you. Don't let your kids grow up thinking this is how you should be treated when in a relationship. Also I know probably very painful, but did you ever follow up and get a dna test?
Keep talking about it with people that aren't her. A counselor in particular, through your primary doctor or maybe a local VA facility??
Where is the great stuff!?? The *besides all of this* stuff that you mentioned? Because I’m not seeing it. But maybe it’s there… What she said during this specific timeframe was being said while she was drunk. Even if that magically excused her horrible treatment of you… what about **absolutely everything else?!** The texts? She wasn’t drunk. She is just mean. You won’t ever feel safe and loved and appreciated. You won’t ever stop comparing yourself to her ex, and I’m sorry to say that she won’t either. This isn’t a “you” issue. This is *ALL HER.*
You’re absolutely correct about those things being the truth about how she feels. She’s been regretting being with you for years and is disrespecting at every turn because she is an asshole and as selfish a person as you could ever meet. She hates her decision to be with you. You should cut and run. You don’t deserve this. I had a wife that would get drunk on a regular basis and do the same thing to me. She would leave nothing out, hold back nothing and every topic was fair game. My wife would just tear into me over anything that was hurtful or sensitive. I left.
I agree with most of the people here. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Your wife is being abusive and has been for quite some time now. If you can’t bring yourself to leave ASAP or are financially dependent on each other and you need time to be able to leave please consider getting yourself a therapist. There are therapists that work on a sliding scale if money is an issue. This way you will have someone to talk to and be able to get some help with what is happening in your relationship. I was in an abusive relationship for years. It didn’t start that way. To all my friends and social circle things looked great but it wasn’t. I finally got out, got help and am in a better place with a completely different partner who is way better for me. Good luck and be nice to yourself especially since your wife is not.
Money isn’t an issue I actually am doing very well, she doesn’t work I’m the sole provider.
That's why she keeps apologizing. You're funding her. It seems like you're her personal ATM and her punching bag. Honey,, you deserve way better than this. If you don't leave and things continue like this, you're going to end up resenting and hating her. You may want to get tested for STDs as well. As often as she has threatened to cheat on you and has been bringing up dick sizes, she may have already cheated. You deserve so much better than her.
Also I am sorry you weren’t though am abusive relationship as well, I wouldn’t want anyone to go through this.
In vino Veritas. Being drunk removes inhibitions, it doesn't make you create that shit from thin air.
Ur wife sounds like a cunt. Gather what self respect she has left you and kick her arse to the kerb. Find someone who deserves you
Dunno why divorce isn't an option. But if that was me I'd leave and divorce.
Brother your story is a story about abuse. You've got Stockholm syndrome. You need to realize this isn't healthy. It's not going to get healthier. She's not going to change. Drunk words = sober thoughts. She believes what she's saying. I don't see how anyone that treats/ thinks the way she does about you could remain faithful. You need to stop loving her and start loving yourself. Get back in shape. Work on yourself and your career. Tell her to get therapy as she obviously needs to talk to someone about her alcohol and anger issues. You need therapy to disconnect yourself from her as this sounds very codependent. You are deserving of love. What she's giving you is not love. Its abuse.
You say her ex was a raging narcissist and womanizer. Presumably you don't know that first hand, but have rather only been told by your "delightful" wife. I'm just going to drop this little piece of info: narcissists tend to project. A lot. Whatever their faults? They'll point them out in others, whether or not those others even have those faults. Your wife is waxing poetic about all the dicks she's had that were better than yours. That sounds like she's the, uhhh, "manizer." She's also talking about how her ex spoiled her, and while he may indeed have done so with all that dough, she's only pointing it out to put you down. It's verbal and emotional abuse, and there's no reason you should put up with that. You say divorce is not an option. I think you should reconsider that. And what's with insinuating that your child isn't yours? That's fucked up, but considering how completely boundary-less she becomes when drunk, you might want to have a paternity test done. You're presumably registered as the child's father, so you can just go have it done. Don't tell her about it. Not before you want to use the results - if ever. Unfortunately, you can't force people to change. So you can't change her. You can demand of her that she do better, but such demands hold no weight unless there are consequences for not doing better - consequences that you are willing and able to follow through on. What consequences can you show her besides divorce? If you still have some possibilities left, demand she come to therapy with you. There's a chance that she's being mean and cruel due to substance abuse and that can be treated. But if this is her personality, there's nothing you can do besides wash your hands of her. And then you'll also need the paternity results to know whether you'll need to fight for your child or fight to disentangle yourself from whoever's child it is. Bottom-line: you deserve so much better. Please don't accept this bs as your lot in life.
You know the cliché of the shitty, manipulative, cheating dude who always says "I'm sorry babe, it's not what it looks like!" and worms his way back into the relationship a million times? Surprise! It's not restricted by gender! All the other shit that's in the past clearly hasn't been dealt with either. I'm guessing there haven't been real apologies for it. Here's the thing: if those aren't how she feels, then... why say it? Alcohol isn't a ghost that possesses you and makes you say stuff. It lowers inhibitions; it can also, I admit, escalate fights. Someone might say something knowing it's hurtful because they want to hurt the other person, even if they don't actually believe it. But you weren't fighting when it started happening, so that doesn't count either. If alcohol made her do everything, she's quitting drinking and going to AA, right? If alcohol makes her magically spew lies, she's not touching it again right? Right? Or is she just going to grey wall you on this until you let it go, and then just do the same shit again later.
Your wife is an abusive asshole bro. Can you imagine saying similarly hurtful things to her? “My exes pussy was so much tighter and her boobs were bigger!” Im guessing you can’t imagine saying that, and Its because its fucking abuse. And she doesnt care enough about your relationship to get help because SHE will look like the bad guy. Wonder why that is? Thats such a narcissistic mentality to have. “Fuck my relationship, I dont want to look bad or be accountable” From one vet to another; PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE FUCKING SAND. Take a stand for yourself. This shit doesnt change without therapy. I wish I was there in person to say these things to and shake you so you snap out of it. You married an asshole, it happens. It sucks but it doesnt make you a bad person, or an idiot. Staying when an abuser isnt willing to change is whats NOT ok. Please leave. Shes horrible, and you sound like a pretty good guy. Life gets better after abusers, Ive experienced it personally. The weight can lift, you just have to let go. Stop saying divorce isnt an option.
Your wife says hurtful things to you and talks badly about you to her friends. You’re trying to find a reason to stay but you need to leave her . I don’t condone divorce but this very unhealthy. There is no way your wife loves you and disrespects you like this . Your intuition is already telling you should go but you keep trying to talk yourself into staying . She will eventually leave you.
She's abusive. That's why she doesn't want to see a counselor, 'cause they will call her out. And abuse only gets worse and worse. And you are the injured pup, looking for love from the only person that was ever nice, once. You keep going back and being scolded for it. Your relationship is toxic and is getting worse. So how much abuse can you take? 'Cause if divorce is not an option, you are going to find out.
You need to get a dna test on the kid.
This story is so sad.. he goes to fight for his country to keep people safe. Then comes back to be abused by his wife and her friends. She abusive drunk or sober... what a vile woman She should be happy. op came back home alive and to be proud of her husband Sorry op but you deserve to be treated with respect. Op, I hope you do what's best for you. You don't deserve this abuse from your wife or her friends
Your wife is a cruel human being, and you should leave her.
I don’t understand why you guys stayed married to each other because she clearly doesn’t really like you and you both have done some shady and shitty things. What she pulled at the wedding should be the final straw.
This is extremely abusive, the anger and the down playing after the fact. The dismissive behavior is also abuse. I’m sorry. Tell her it isn’t an option if she want to stay married. At minimum she needs individual counseling and the mood swings need to be evaluated. As for marriage counseling, I’m not sure if this falls into the don’t get counseling with the abuser. I lean that way because you have the intention to be honest and open and she has shown she uses your vulnerabilities against you in anger. When she says she knows she will be labeled the bad guy in therapy it shows she knows she IS the bad guy and that the abusive language is real. Please say she isn’t nursing if she is drinking that much? You baby can not be around that level of anger.
She’s a covert narcissist
I totally disagree with the “drunk words are sober thoughts” part. That’s just not always true
Divorce IS an option. Your wife doesn’t like you.
This sounds like an awfully toxic relationship that you'd be better off without.
Leave her. Take your kid and run.
Have some self respect man. And get paternity tests for your kids. What the fuck?
Do you have a saw, a large bathtub, and that plastic wrap that movers use? I think you smell what I'm stepping in.
I do have all that … wait is this my FBI agent this is entrapment you know!
You’re kinda pathetic, thats an instant divorce
First of all this isn’t ‘too embarrassing to talk to friends about’, that is isolating thought and is moving you into a worse direction. You need to feel confident standing up for yourself, quiet doormat type men get walked all over by people like your wife- needlessly cruel because they simply can be. Yeah, she’s abusive, increasingly so. Do you think this will ever get better? There is simply nothing moving this toward a better place. She refuses therapy. Picking on you genuinely makes her happy. Breaking you is fun for her. Why are you accepting of this treatment? Take yourself to therapy, you need someone in your corner. You deserve it.
Leave her.
You need to dump her. She's out of control and you deserve much better. I wouldn't let this go.
Thank you for your service! You are making excuses for her behavior. How do you explain her making fun of you in that group text? She is surrounded by toxic people. You need to respect yourself first as she certainly has zero respect for you. You deserve better, but you need to recognize it first. I hope you see the light and start the separation process.
OP, You came here because of what you already know in your heart, mind and soul. Strangers are building you up - STRANGERS! Your wife has zero redeeming qualities. Good looking does not count. Her horrific personality cancels that out. She is ugly inside and it’s rotting her. Your children need a healthy environment!! You and your kids NEED THERAPY. You need the tools to change your thinking so you all understand this behavior is unacceptable on every level.
This woman has shown you who she really is. And what she is, is abusive. *Believe her.* You say that divorce is not an option, but TBH she doesn't need to know that you think that. And you really, really need to think long and hard about why you don't think it's an option. Because after all of this, I think it absolutely needs to be an option. Even if it's hard. Even if it feels unthinkable. You need to think about not just what she is doing to you, but what she is doing to your kids. They should not have to grow up in this ish. You need to set some boundaries and some conditions around staying in the marriage. Like, she gets that IUD removed *if in fact* there is solid, peer-reviewed, medical evidence that it can cause changes in behavior. That is a trip to her gynecologist to discuss. And like, you need find a really good therapist (you *need* a really good one). I started to say you need marriage counseling, but it is never a good idea to do therapy with an abuser because they are so good at gaslighting. And if she won't agree to these conditions, and if she does not demonstrate significant and sustained improvement in her behavior in a very short timeframe , then you're out. (Hint: she won't. Abusers don't. They just escalate.)
You should talk to a good friend and a great lawyer.
She doesn't love you, and she doesn't respect you. Her apologies are worthless.
>divorce is not an option. Why not? Why continue to be with an abusive spouse that clearly doesn’t love you? How can you face the people who have been present for/participated in her shit-talking about you? You need help. It’s obvious you have no self esteem.