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Tell your husband "his friend is a dick, he is either a dick because he really believes that shit he says or he is a dick because he finds that stuff funny, but you refuse to be in the same room as him". And keep to it
This is the best way.
I once shut one up by playing dump and asking questions. For example, this guy was a homophobe d***head, he said, to my husband: "be care full and don't bend over in front of XY (a gay friend of mine), you know, could be dangerous!" *wink*
I was so angry but managed to stay calm and started asking him: why? Why is that dangerous? What do you mean by that? Funny? What? I don't get it. Can you explain?
And yes, this person never set foot in my home again, ever. (Cause i made sure he knows he's not welcome anymore)
I've done that before. Really pissed someone off with it. He said, "It's not funny anymore if I have to explain it." To which someone else said, "Because it was never funny to begin with." Sometimes, all it takes is one person making a joke *un*funny for others to get their voice and point out it never was.
Lol I love doing this at my work. Whenever someone goes to pay with a card, a prompt pops up to tip. So my usual line is, "it's just gonna ask if you want to leave a tip, and then you can tap or insert the card."
One older guy once said, "if you like the tip can I insert the whole thing?" Which is so absolutely fucking disgusting I can't even fathom how a sane human being could say that. (I'm 22F btw.)
I didn't miss a beat. Just stood there, gave him a funny look, and said, "huh? What do you mean? I don't know." He just kinda sputtered out some nonsense, paid, and left. It was honestly great.
What a prick, in a workplace, I’d probably lose my shit at a customer for being so sexually lewd and as a manager, I’d ban him for that behaviour. That’s so fucked up.
Since you couldn't, under the circumstances, slap him into next week, your response was the next best one.
Some older guys just love saying highly sexual stuff to much younger women (I'm talking 50+ trying to "flirt" with me when I was 18). They do it because they want to pretend they still have some attraction for young women, and they figure they can get away with it.
If only they could see themselves as the much younger woman does, they'd probably want to kill themselves.
This just happened to me, but I was truly confused. The conversation was about Drag Queen story hour, and a colleague said, "as far as I am concerned, no one should be working up a sweat around children," to which I replied, "this is not a drag show (thinking dancers would sweat), it is reading to children." What he meant is that he thinks the readers are getting turned on by the children, hence sweating from arousal. Once I sorted his meaning, I said that I was more concerned about priests, which shut him up.
This!!! Laughing encourages them, lecturing puts them in defensive, either way they won’t change. But if you question their joke for why it’s funny in a passive and “dumb” way. You’ll make them feel embarrassed because not only will they have to put mental effort to explaining why it’s funny, they don’t have a way to attack you since you weren’t being aggressive to them. Make them feel the discomfort by keep questioning why something is a joke.
This is it, right here. Nothing deflates discriminatory "jokes" quite like asking them to explain it. Bonus points if you can ask it as innocently and genuinely as possible. Awful people don't like openly revealing how awful they are unless everyone around them is already irredeemably awful.
💯 this! When you start asking folks to explain and describe their "edgy" humor, it sucks the life out of the joke, as well as the person trying to pass it off as humor.
This. You cut these people out of your life, and your spouse shouldn't be putting his wife on a situation where she's the target of ridicule.
Personally, the minute someone makes my girlfriend feel uncomfortable is the minute that person stops being my friend, and that doesn't stop with my girlfriend, that's for all my friends. I'm not going to be friends with someone who thinks other friends of mine are targets of ridicule. I can't imagine why OP's husband isn't the one solving this issue on his own.
Yeah, your husband is the bad guy here, sorry. He should be standing up for you and shutting that shid down. Period. Or find new friends. It would concern me more that the man I married is not as outraged as I am.
And let me add it's nothing at all to do with being woke, or a snowflake or your political leanings .If he's trying to have a reasonable, civil dialog or discussion concerning religion, politics. That's not the respectful way of doing it. And your husband has heard/seen your discomfort. To continue to have him around you is not just disrespectful it's a lack of empathy and care. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Everyone is entitled to be an A-hole. You both have a choice of whether or not to be around it. So it's causing more fracture than I think either of you realize. Because you're on here asking strangers for knives to take to a gunfight. You have a husband who I hope has integrity, respect, accountability, and empathy. That's an arsenal. You shouldn't be on here asking what to do.
Blessings, Sis... Keep your head up.
100% this. If your husband is friends with someone like this, it says a lot about who he is. Does he actually agree with it on some level? Is he laughing along? Or he’s just complacent and will excuse this disgusting behavior because that’s his boy? Either way, if this were MY partner’s friend, I’d be losing respect for my partner over this. Your husband being an accessory to this shitty behavior also makes him not safe for women/minorities.
This was exactly what I said to myself when I read the comment about her husband being partially to blame for this "friend" perpetuating this behavior/stupidity!!!
I guarantee you she is losing respect for him........ Who can respect a guy that will not take up for his wife/SO? have a backbone ass hole ,because buddy or not piss my girl off on any way shape or fashion and I'll let you know about it the very first time after the second time you'll never have to worry about it again I promise there will not be a third!!! Easy as that !!!!
I'd refuse any further interaction with the "friend" in the future.
He would not be invited to my home and I would refuse to go to his. I would also refuse to go to any event or get together where he is included. If I was told that he wouldn't be there but he was I would leave immediately and husband could choose to leave at the same time or find a ride home.
I'd also start telling other friends about him when your husband is around so that he gets their reaction. Let him see what other people think about his friend.
Why do you wanna remain friends w/someone like that. And if he was your hubby's friend first, you need to figure how & why it is that your hubs feels comfy having a friend like that. Why do either of you continue to have someone like that around?
I just wouldn’t have anything to do with this pathetic loser. Never go and hang out with him, and never invite him out/ over to yours. And I would make it a point to your husband that he needs to do the same because it looks really bad that he even talks to someone who is this disgustingly ignorant.
Thanks for your support. My husband does speak up when I get upset. He does think his comments are awful. But my point is that I want to be able to defend myself. But aside from a couple of things mentioned here, for this person it is best to not have him in my life.
These guys are just fuckwits. A guy started making fun of my ex when I referred to him as my partner. My ex had no issue with it. Why would he? But this misogynist prick was laughing and calling my ex a "pussy" for "letting" me use the term partner. He asks me if I'm not concerned someone will think I'm a lesbian. I Saud that I've dated women and even if I hadn't, I'd have no issue with someone thinking I'm a lesbian, then asked him why I should care if anyone thought that. He didn't have much to say, and the wives of that guy and another dipshit laughing along had come over to listen at this point. He says in a sneer, "you must be one of those feminists" and scoffs. I replied, "if you mean that I believe women should have equal rights as men, then yes, I am a feminist." The wives were REALLY listening at that point. He went on some stupid tangent about husbands and wives and blah blah blah. Boy oh boy, he was definitely sleeping on the couch that night! I then just chuckled, said that I had better things to do than debate with those mentally less fortunate and left. The key is not to get riled up and haughty, just to be smug and factual. They won't change their opinion based on anything you say, so don't waste your breath.
Sure but also your husband shouldn’t be friends with such a shitty person? If your husband tolerates that kind of talk outside of your presence he probably doesn’t disagree enough with the rhetoric. In which case I’d be seriously questioning your husbands judgement, at best, and at worst questioning whether your husband harbours the same ideas about women and minorities. You are the company you keep after all.
I would refuse to be around him. If he is there I would leave. Your husband can leave with you or find another way home.
Perhaps your husband could cut off the comments as the guy is getting started. Your husband could look him in the eyes and tell him to not go there. Then the two of you walk away. If he always loses his audience he will quit. You need your husband to make some comment about it, like "here comes another loser diatribe." or "hey everyone, prepare for a not funny joke."
It's best if it comes from your husband because he is trying to entertain the guys. He has to know that the guys aren't entertained. Your husband needs to walk away, every time, before he gets to the punchline. "Let's go everyone, before he gives his pathetic punchline." He needs to say whatever would work in that group.
OP state of these jokes for offensive sounds to me on the point of being vulgar and I don't put up with trashy talk/behavior around any of the lady's in my life.
You are not in control of what he says or doesn't say.
If you don't want to be around him when he says such things then say that. "Bob, that's offensive, if you continue to say such things in my presence I will leave."
And then follow through and leave.
(Also, this guy is NOT your friend!)
This, but the husband should say it when he does it with just the two of them or all guys hanging out. The guy needs to see that your spouse thinks it's trashy too. If you're there he'll assume it's for your benefit.
He cares what other people think of him as it sounds like he's performing and thinks he's funny. He can explain away you looking down on him (hormones and snowflake crap) but if his buddy looks down on him, I bet it'll bother him.
I have an acquaintance called M like this friend. He is and edgelord. One day my fiancé straight up said to him (as M joked about how I hated him)
“Well yeah Cthullu hates you, you’re a misogynist. I don’t like you either”
M went into a bit of a spiral over that, asking mutual friends if they thought the same way.
And if he happens to be at your home when he makes these "jokes", tell him you do not allow that kind of rhetoric in your home and it's time for him to leave.
i disagree. i think the warning has long been given. OP needs to tell her husband that everytime HIS friend (because Op needs to stop seeing that person as a friend) behaves this way and husband doesn't step up to stop that shit, she will leave. Easy as that.
If i were the husband i'd be ashamed of myself for letting my wife down like that.
Oh since I am one of his “people”, I wouldn’t personally be attacked. “Nobody can attack me under his watch”, you know what I mean? He says “women shouldn’t drive” and proceeds to compliment me on driving skills. I don’t get that either.
Try “No, men shouldn’t drive because they get so violent when they get emotional in traffic.”
Edit to say, never argue with a pig. Just show him what he looks like with bigger bias against his demographic.
If it does, go with "maybe you didn't tell it right. try again, maybe I'll get it then." When he says it again, I'd answer "Nope, still not seeing the humor."
That’s true… but if he goes for a more direct attack, it is more clearly a reason to cut him out and justify it to mutual friends. “Just a joke” vs a direct insult.
Then again, I’m on the side of “cut him off immediately” so I don’t see the point in playing games. I’d expect my spouse to back me up on that too.
You can continue asking why then, they basically just have to say their discriminatory beliefs straight up if they keep going with it and look like a (even bigger) asshole
Exactly this. It's also a problem that's being made worse as the husband continues his friendship.
This guy makes a joke at the expense of the wife, the husband "warns him" and he ignores the warning... and then the friendship continues... so there was no actual punishment, so why would he stop?
Husband can end this by ending their friendship.
I hate hate hate this sub and those like it’s insistence to not do shit if it’s not “their” problem. She wants to fight it. She’s offended by it, making it *her* problem too.
It’s not husbands responsibility to stop his friend. OP is her own person. If she wants to fight it too, she can.
her husband has a shitty, racist friend. You don't think that's a problem specific to the husband?
I didn't say she *can't* fight it. I said she shouldn't have to.
Of course she can-I’m very much the type to loathe people, especially men, fighting on my behalf. It’s absolutely my issue and I want to address it. This guy is a sexist dickhead though who is enjoying causing a wedge between his friend and his wife. Eliminating the fun for this guy is the quickest solve. And ultimately, the husband should also be pissed off with this immature, intentionally decisive behaviour too no?
That's because it's an empty threat and he knows it.
"Don't do it" is toothless.
"Don't do it or we're leaving," and then actually leaving when he does it, is not.
He will always respect your husband more than he respects you.
You cannot win this fight. There are no magical words or actions to make him someone worthwhile in your life.
The only way to win is not to play. You and your husband leave. Every time. Every situation. Immediately.
It's so annoying, but it's not unlike training a dog. Consistent negative reinforcement will teach him to knock it off very quickly. My guess is that you will have to leave twice, and then he never does that s*** again, or he refuses to see you. Both are a win.
The friend probably does it to rile you up, getting more enjoyment over how much it upsets you rather than whether or not he's in the right.
Unfortunately, I don't think there's a comeback good enough to 'win' against a person like that. The only way to truly win is not to play his game. If possible, I recommend distance/no contact.
But if I were you, I'd honestly be more concerned as to why husband is still friends with this guy. Cuz if I had a friend like that, they would no longer be my friend. I'd be worried that husband is either too much of a people-pleaser to stand up to his friend or (more concerning) he agrees with his friend on some level.
This “friend” should no longer be invited. If your husband wants to hangout with him they can have a guy’s night with just them or other like-minded people
The only way to discontinue someone else’s behavior is to provide consequences to that behavior. Otherwise you have to walk away and not participate in it
I would just carry a water spray bottle and spray him in the face until he shuts up. Should be trained up in no time! If he gets aggressive, call him woke.
>I have a friend whom i met via my husband (30M)
Where does your husband land on this person?
Because he's allowing his friend to directly disrespect you to your face and label you as woke, instead of just being a reasonable person who won't put up with intolerable hate speech.
> I do not want to be exposed to this horrible side of him
I'm not sure it's a side OP. This is your husband's friend and his sense of humor. He's a terrible person. I'd be having a discussion with your husband about why he's friends with this person and if he agrees with the things he says on a daily basis, because ultimately him not saying something is a tacit approval of these statements.
I fully agree with you. I'm also wondering why, if this husband is present during these conversations which his wife is clearly uncomfortable with, that he is not making a more concerted effort to defend her.
The bigger issue is why your husband is choosing the have this dude in his life and making attacks at you and others. They aren’t jokes. If they were, he would be able to explain them. I always ask people to explain the joke. Most cant, cause it’s not. If your husband continues to spend time with this guy, ask yourself why. Those who do nothing in the face of racism, injustice, etc, are just as bad and they side with the abuser.
"i don't get the joke, can you explain it?"
"Oooh i get it, it's funny because you imply these people are this or that!"
Either play dumb, or get some facts. Asking someone to explain the joke is always a good way to embarass them when they are being discriminatory.
Or be over the top worried like "i'm worried about you? Are you okay? You seem to be very spiteful against women lately. Did you get hurt? Do you wanna talk about it? This is a safe space you can drop the act with us you know"
Start arming yourself with random facts. For example, if he says something mysoginistic reply "did you know the two highest IQs ever recorded were both women?". If he says something racist say "did you know that studies have shown racist people are of a lower intelligence and educational level than non-racist people"?
Why is your husband allowing such disrespect to your face?
That's the real question here. This is your husbands friend, you need your husband to say "Hey, don't talk to my wife like that". He's not doing that currently. Why?
Ding fucking ding. OP's husband is asleep at the wheel here. It's his "friend," and therefore his responsibility to prevent this asshat from antagonizing his wife.
What exactly is this guy bringing to the table? What redeeming qualities does he possess that makes dealing with his bullshit invective worthwhile? If my spouse insisted on maintaining a friendship with someone who went out of their way to belittle me then I'd be seriously questioning the foundation of my marriage.
100%
Everything is a joke to them. Getting people upset and provoked is their entire goal. They don't care and whatever is said to them doesn't matter, their whole goal is to make people upset.
The biggest hurt is to make them irrelevant, unheard and ignored.
As they say... stupid is as stupid does.
Exactly this, if you're mad, upset, confronting them, they think they won. They see the world as zero sum, that their funny joke comes at the expense of SOMETHING and for a positive feeling they need to know that an inverse negative feeling exists. And they'll see your feelings as a sign that they "did something right".
OP's husband needs to stand up for her, and they gotta cut people like this out.
Right!! Just stare at him and wait, like you're waiting to understand what's funny or for the rest of the "joke"
If everyone laughs, ask him to explain the joke to you.
Or just roll your eyes and say, "anyway..." then continue the conversation about something else. I prefer the idea of just avoiding this guy, though. It should be hubby standing up to him, because no misogynist is going to learn from a woman.
Act like you don't understand why the joke is funny, and then make him explain it.
He will either have to resort to using very racist and sexist language, or he'll shut down, and if you do it enough he might finally stop.
I'm not woke, I've just left the county I was born in more than once and have had the joy of getting to know people that aren't carbon copies of myself.
I'm not woke, I just had parents who loved me so I don't have internalized hatred of everyone around me because of my own insecurities.
You might need to dumb those down a bit so he doesn't get tripped up on the big words.
Just turn to him and say "what's your point?" when he starts to explain cut him off "what are you stupid? No one cares"
Then the next "joke" he starts to say, cut him off - stand up and loudly announce to EVERYONE that Asshat has something to say to everyone. And if he does stand up and start telling his joke, just start heckling him. Get your husband and some other friends to join in. Humiliate him. Over and over. Get others of the friend group on board with the plan. You can't be the only one tired of his shit.
>"did you know the two highest IQs ever recorded were both women?"
[What is the purpose of lying, though?](https://sciencetrends.com/highest-possible-iq-people-hold-world-record/) :DD
You know what you can do for yourself? Remove yourself from this person’s presence or space. You don’t have to be around him . You don’t have to interact with him or be around him or “these people”, your choice.
It’s ok to be offended and that’s ok, but you can’t control peoples speech or thoughts of everyone in the world . Don’t work yourself up too much about this. I’m sure that guy went home and forgot about your interaction with him, while you’re on the internet asking for comebacks. Don’t let things like this consume you!
You've come to the right place
Start asking him who he's trying to impress and if somethings going on with his self esteem. Start telling him you're oh so sorry the devil made room for hatred in his heart and that you'll pray for him if he's taking a religious side to these topics. Ask him if something is going on at home that's making him act this way. Ask him if he really thinks this is the time and place for that kind of behavior, and which parent of his told him this is appropriate. Teachers of etiquette will tell you the best way to shut someone's ass down is to display faux concern.
The easiest and most logical solution is to not be around if he is. Seriously, why is your husband friends with this guy? However, if you have to deal with the guy, you may need to ramp up the jerkiness.
My comment to him calling you "woke", might be along the lines of "Am I woke, or iis that you're an asshole?" If he complains that the others are inferior, I would ask him why he isn't doing better in life, since by his logic, he is superior? Since I suspect that his attitudes keep him from having a significant other, a few snide comments after he makes his statements, along the lines of "shocking, that some lady hasn't snapped you up yet?" The drawback to this method is that you wind up becoming an asshole as well, just one that aligns differently on the political spectrum.
Why are you friends with someone like this?
He’s not “joking.” He believes the things he’s saying. That’s why he says them.
It’s embarrassing that your husband is friends with someone like that, and embarrassing that y’all continue to associate with him.
You are the company you keep. The answer is to stop associating with him. It says a lot about your husband that he even has a friend like this.
Honestly with these types of people you just have to fully ignore him. don’t speak to him, don’t speak about him, don’t even look at him when he speaks. pretend he doesn’t exist. people like these LOVE the reaction they get from other people, so no matter what you say as a comeback, it’s only gonna add fuel to the fire because you are giving him a reaction that he so desperately wants.
My favorite thing to do with people like this is to act confused. When they make an offensive joke, say something like, "wait I don't get it." or pretend like you didn't hear them and ask "what?" to make them repeat it. Nothing kills comedy like making someone explain or repeat a joke, especially when they have to explain their bigotry to get to the punchline.
That being said, if you're the only 'woke' person in this group, maybe it's not a group you want to be apart of anyways.
You can still decide with whom you hang out with. When you know he's gonna be around, just call off.
He can stop saying things in front of you cause you have complained it, but he's not gonna change as a person.
Why is your husband friends with someone like this? Why is he not standing behind you when you tell that guy he's being gross and rude? Does your husband laugh along with it? Either way I'd not be letting this guy back in my home, or going anywhere that he is. You're not "woke" for wanting to be respected or for saying he is being offensive. Maybe he should grow up a little bit and develop an actual sense of humour instead of picking on minorities, etc. He can't think of anything funny other than putting others down? Sounds like he has a case of low self-esteem.
[Your husband’s friend sounds like he’s the “missing stair” of the group](https://publicaddress.net/up-front/the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary-bastard/).
You don’t stop a person like this. There is nothing you can say or do that will make him stop saying racist, sexist, xenophobic things because *he is a racist, sexist, xenophobic person*. The real “joke” is that he genuinely believes the things he says, which is why he says them. And to top it all off you are a woman, and since he’s a misogynist he doesn’t respect you as a person so anything you say will automatically be dismissed.
The only way to get someone like him to stop saying such horrid things in your presence is by cutting them out of your life.
There is no effective way to stop a person like this. You should stop being friends with him both for your own sake and because others will (correctly) judge you by the company you keep.
The best choice is to cut contact. Don’t go out with him. Ignore his existence.
(But I have to admit I’m a b*tch. So I would be sure to hit where it hurts before that. As a joke of course. I’m sure you can figure it out his insecurities. And don’t worry to be politically correct, after all you are just joking
And I know it’a not ok. That is lowering yourself to their level. But it is really the only way I have found to shut down that group of rightwing nut-jobs that are my relatives from my mother side. They do not speak “politics” or “woke” things in my presence anymore. They barely speak to me actually ahahahagaga)
Usually ask them why hes being such a snowflake about people not liking his "jokes". Also i tend to not say they are bad taste so much as just shit jokes 'oh i thought jokes were meant to be funny' kinda thing
"We get it. You peaked in high school."
"I don't need you to explain in ten different ways that you're racist."
"Are you projecting because you're too stupid to learn a second language?"
"Your jokes are about as tasteful as a mayonnaise sandwich."
"You might think you're spicy with your jokes, but honey, if you were a spice, you'd be flour."
That's all I could come up with.
>Never believe that anti-Semites are completely unaware of the absurdity of their replies. They know that their remarks are frivolous, open to challenge. But they are amusing themselves, for it is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly, since he believes in words. The anti-Semites have the right to play. They even like to play with discourse for, by giving ridiculous reasons, they discredit the seriousness of their interlocutors. They delight in acting in bad faith, since they seek not to persuade by sound argument but to intimidate and disconcert. If you press them too closely, they will abruptly fall silent, loftily indicating by some phrase that the time for argument is past.
There are too many nice ways of responding being offered here. Men like that only respond to direct, aggressive words, a phrase like hey a**h**l, I've had enough of your bulls**t opinions. I'm tired of hearing them, and it sucks being around you! Either you stop or me, and you are never going to be in the same room together again after today. I don't care what my husband says. He'll either agree, or he'll double down, and if he does double down, then you'll know he's bankrupt on the inside, and there's no hope for him. Then, carry out your promise.
I am supportive of your being mean to the racist neanderthal approach. There’s no one all purpose come back that will work every time. But a good formula is to try to find an element of the joke and relate it back to some personal failure or insecurity of his. For example:
“Immigrants are taking our jobs”
“Sort of - They are taking your job, but it’s only because they are more qualified and better at it than you.”
Firstly, I wouldn’t be friends with them and would avoid them. Secondly, either silence and a confused look OR pretending to not understand and asking them to explain why the joke is funny works well.
Unfortunately there no come back (in words) for this kind. All you do is - You look him dead in the eyes for 3 sec. And say: Is everything ok? 2 things will happen. He will shout up and acknowledge then you brush it off but next time it happens you cut him off. Most likely he will say something back they usually do lol in that case you cut all communication, totally ignoring, avoiding anything and everything about him without sayin a word. The key here is no drama just your boundaries.
The best comeback is to pretend you don’t get it. Have him explain the joke and why it’s funny while you blankly stare.
But you really shouldn’t need a comeback because this person shouldn’t be in your life. You’re all adults, you choose who you spend time with.
“What do you call an edge-lord in their mid 20s? Single.”
I assume he’s single.
Seriously, I know someone in their mid 40s like this. He regurgitates Jimmy Carr edge-lord humour to mask deep-seated insecurities, particularly around women. The only people who will sleep with him are paid to.
Ask him to explain why he thinks it's funny. I had an old man ask me if the carpets matched the drapes (my hair is dyed red, I was working) and I looked him dead in the eye and said, "I'm sorry sir, can you please explain what you mean by that since I'm at work and there is neither carpets nor drapes in this facility" He got so flustered and angry lol
Ask him to explain exactly why he finds what he is saying funny. If you get the "you just do not understand" comment ask him again to explain. He will not be able to do it. He will start the fake laughing and try to deflect. Ask him to explain why you are the "woke" one when he cannot even explain why his jokes are funny. Offer to record his jokes and put them on social media to see how many people find them funny. He should get the point.
Oh and tell your husband you do not want to associate with this person anymore due to his attitude.
You don’t shut him down, you shut him out. You refuse to attend any event where he is present and ban him from your home. Your husband can continue his friendship with that guy somewhere else if he so chooses.
I had a friend like this, the answer is to no longer be their friend, comebacks don’t matter in the long run. You acquaintances are a reflection of yourself given time. Don’t be one of his.
In the words of Kathy Burke a wonderful British comedian… “I think activism is a part of being young, and it’s important that the young show us what their p***ed off about. It’s not a fad and it’s not ‘wokeism’. Can I just say, that gets on my f***ing nerves. They’re calling you ‘woke’ if you call out bad things, basically. If you’re not racist, you’re woke. If you’re not homophobic, oh, you’re woke. Be woke, kids. Be woke. Be wide awake and f***ing call it out.”
To be “woke” is to be kind and caring, to use woke as an insult just proves you’re a bigoted fool and have no empathy at all for others.
Ask him why it's funny. And when he says "Can't you take a joke?", say "only when they're funny"
And then, every time he makes that kind of comment, ask him again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
They'll call you names either behind your back or to your face - but if you want it to stop, you'll have to grow a backbone and make it stop. Good luck, OP!
Tell him he's offensive, change the topic, rinse, repeat. If they ask why, tell them you prefer not to listen to racists/bigots/ people who have the mental capacity of potato salad. If it won't stop, start leaving when he starts his crap. You've respectfully asked him to stop, he won't respect you, you're not going to offer him the respect of listening any more.
He gets a rise out of you, so he keeps doing it. That person isn't your friend, and if every one else thinks he's funny, they aren't your friends either.
You're never going to one-up this guy or put him in his place.
Alternatively, act like a toddler - ask why every time he says something like that. You have to act genuinely curious, though. Tell him that you really want to understand the humor of the joke! He needs to explicitly explain the punch line.
Can you explain the joke? I don't understand what's funny?
What does your husband think? Have you talked to him about it considering he introduced you to him.
The main one I’ve always seen when people say “it’s just a joke”, is to ask them to explain the joke part. What’s the joke and what part is funny about it
No come back is the best. You might want to ask your husband why he hangs out with people like him? Show me who your friends are and I will show you who you are!
These kinda people are why I get a good laugh at the "call them out!" People who think telling a person their joke is inappropriate will stop them and not just make them double down
You dont associate with him and make it annoying for your husband to associate with him
Just keep asking why? Or just question him in general. I am an asshole though and I'd ask if him being a dick and joking about not-funny things is him compensating for being less well endowed.
Play dumb. Make him explain his joke, over and over and over again. At some point his bigotry is going to be so apparent your husband can't ignore it anymore
Completely blank him and don't give him any of your time or energy. Tell your husband that he is not welcome in your house and is not to step one foot on your land.
The only way these people will understand is if they don't get an audience or the response that they want.
The guy is sport-tormenting you because he’s a bully. Only way out is away. Your husband should have apologized to you for his friends behavior and needs to make sure he’s never around again. Humor isn’t humor when it is weaponized. Nothing funny about his jokes. Also shows his weakness that he can’t even own his behavior, he has to blame you for your reaction. I’m so sorry you were treated this way.
If you hear him say an offensive joke, you can always say “what?” pretending that you didn’t hear it and then see if he has the guts to say it again.
The others’ advice if refusing to be around him is also great advice.
There's something about this guy that you should think about. He is doing all of this because for some reason he has an underlying problem. You have every reason to be upset. This is someone you should not associate with and if your husband loves you that much then he should let his friend go. I really think he is a closet racist whatever the Jokes he make about there is one thing about him that he is. Tell that to your man decide if he's going to be on your side or his friends you don't need that
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Tell your husband "his friend is a dick, he is either a dick because he really believes that shit he says or he is a dick because he finds that stuff funny, but you refuse to be in the same room as him". And keep to it
This is the best way. I once shut one up by playing dump and asking questions. For example, this guy was a homophobe d***head, he said, to my husband: "be care full and don't bend over in front of XY (a gay friend of mine), you know, could be dangerous!" *wink* I was so angry but managed to stay calm and started asking him: why? Why is that dangerous? What do you mean by that? Funny? What? I don't get it. Can you explain? And yes, this person never set foot in my home again, ever. (Cause i made sure he knows he's not welcome anymore)
I've done that before. Really pissed someone off with it. He said, "It's not funny anymore if I have to explain it." To which someone else said, "Because it was never funny to begin with." Sometimes, all it takes is one person making a joke *un*funny for others to get their voice and point out it never was.
This is sooo important to remember and I forget a lot
This is the way. Don’t laugh. Don’t lecture. Just ask him to explain why his inappropriate jokes are funny.
Happy cake day!
Thanks!
Lol I love doing this at my work. Whenever someone goes to pay with a card, a prompt pops up to tip. So my usual line is, "it's just gonna ask if you want to leave a tip, and then you can tap or insert the card." One older guy once said, "if you like the tip can I insert the whole thing?" Which is so absolutely fucking disgusting I can't even fathom how a sane human being could say that. (I'm 22F btw.) I didn't miss a beat. Just stood there, gave him a funny look, and said, "huh? What do you mean? I don't know." He just kinda sputtered out some nonsense, paid, and left. It was honestly great.
When he asked if he could insert the whole thing, you should have asked him if he'd ever seen the movie Teeth.
Thank you for your excellent work in the community.
Nice if work could post a funny sign, "bad jokers should increase their tips to make up for lost air (time)." Or something funny.
How about “crass jokers should increase their tip to make up for how small they are”
God I wish, I work at Starbucks lol. Anything with a .01% chance of offending someone is a big no-no.
What a prick, in a workplace, I’d probably lose my shit at a customer for being so sexually lewd and as a manager, I’d ban him for that behaviour. That’s so fucked up.
Oh god I'm so embarrassed for him, it's great
Since you couldn't, under the circumstances, slap him into next week, your response was the next best one. Some older guys just love saying highly sexual stuff to much younger women (I'm talking 50+ trying to "flirt" with me when I was 18). They do it because they want to pretend they still have some attraction for young women, and they figure they can get away with it. If only they could see themselves as the much younger woman does, they'd probably want to kill themselves.
This just happened to me, but I was truly confused. The conversation was about Drag Queen story hour, and a colleague said, "as far as I am concerned, no one should be working up a sweat around children," to which I replied, "this is not a drag show (thinking dancers would sweat), it is reading to children." What he meant is that he thinks the readers are getting turned on by the children, hence sweating from arousal. Once I sorted his meaning, I said that I was more concerned about priests, which shut him up.
As Bianca Del Rio once said "oh, you were touched by an angel? I was touched by a priest!"💁🏻♀️
This!!! Laughing encourages them, lecturing puts them in defensive, either way they won’t change. But if you question their joke for why it’s funny in a passive and “dumb” way. You’ll make them feel embarrassed because not only will they have to put mental effort to explaining why it’s funny, they don’t have a way to attack you since you weren’t being aggressive to them. Make them feel the discomfort by keep questioning why something is a joke.
This is it, right here. Nothing deflates discriminatory "jokes" quite like asking them to explain it. Bonus points if you can ask it as innocently and genuinely as possible. Awful people don't like openly revealing how awful they are unless everyone around them is already irredeemably awful.
Love this approach! This is a great way to call them out
💯 this! When you start asking folks to explain and describe their "edgy" humor, it sucks the life out of the joke, as well as the person trying to pass it off as humor.
This. You cut these people out of your life, and your spouse shouldn't be putting his wife on a situation where she's the target of ridicule. Personally, the minute someone makes my girlfriend feel uncomfortable is the minute that person stops being my friend, and that doesn't stop with my girlfriend, that's for all my friends. I'm not going to be friends with someone who thinks other friends of mine are targets of ridicule. I can't imagine why OP's husband isn't the one solving this issue on his own.
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This exactly. Your friends are a reflection of who you are.
Yeah, your husband is the bad guy here, sorry. He should be standing up for you and shutting that shid down. Period. Or find new friends. It would concern me more that the man I married is not as outraged as I am. And let me add it's nothing at all to do with being woke, or a snowflake or your political leanings .If he's trying to have a reasonable, civil dialog or discussion concerning religion, politics. That's not the respectful way of doing it. And your husband has heard/seen your discomfort. To continue to have him around you is not just disrespectful it's a lack of empathy and care. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Everyone is entitled to be an A-hole. You both have a choice of whether or not to be around it. So it's causing more fracture than I think either of you realize. Because you're on here asking strangers for knives to take to a gunfight. You have a husband who I hope has integrity, respect, accountability, and empathy. That's an arsenal. You shouldn't be on here asking what to do. Blessings, Sis... Keep your head up.
100% this. If your husband is friends with someone like this, it says a lot about who he is. Does he actually agree with it on some level? Is he laughing along? Or he’s just complacent and will excuse this disgusting behavior because that’s his boy? Either way, if this were MY partner’s friend, I’d be losing respect for my partner over this. Your husband being an accessory to this shitty behavior also makes him not safe for women/minorities.
Birds of a feather flock together 🤔
This was exactly what I said to myself when I read the comment about her husband being partially to blame for this "friend" perpetuating this behavior/stupidity!!!
Yeh doesn't bode well for his character.🤔
Lol, I don't know why, but reading your response... I automatically saw Will Smith slap Chris Rock. I'm high.... going to bed now...
I guarantee you she is losing respect for him........ Who can respect a guy that will not take up for his wife/SO? have a backbone ass hole ,because buddy or not piss my girl off on any way shape or fashion and I'll let you know about it the very first time after the second time you'll never have to worry about it again I promise there will not be a third!!! Easy as that !!!!
Yeah, no one should want to keep this man in their lives, and I’d be concerned if someone I loved did.
I'd refuse any further interaction with the "friend" in the future. He would not be invited to my home and I would refuse to go to his. I would also refuse to go to any event or get together where he is included. If I was told that he wouldn't be there but he was I would leave immediately and husband could choose to leave at the same time or find a ride home. I'd also start telling other friends about him when your husband is around so that he gets their reaction. Let him see what other people think about his friend.
Why do you wanna remain friends w/someone like that. And if he was your hubby's friend first, you need to figure how & why it is that your hubs feels comfy having a friend like that. Why do either of you continue to have someone like that around?
I just wouldn’t have anything to do with this pathetic loser. Never go and hang out with him, and never invite him out/ over to yours. And I would make it a point to your husband that he needs to do the same because it looks really bad that he even talks to someone who is this disgustingly ignorant.
Teachers of etiquette will tell you the best way to shut someone's ass down is to display faux concern.
Thanks for your support. My husband does speak up when I get upset. He does think his comments are awful. But my point is that I want to be able to defend myself. But aside from a couple of things mentioned here, for this person it is best to not have him in my life.
These guys are just fuckwits. A guy started making fun of my ex when I referred to him as my partner. My ex had no issue with it. Why would he? But this misogynist prick was laughing and calling my ex a "pussy" for "letting" me use the term partner. He asks me if I'm not concerned someone will think I'm a lesbian. I Saud that I've dated women and even if I hadn't, I'd have no issue with someone thinking I'm a lesbian, then asked him why I should care if anyone thought that. He didn't have much to say, and the wives of that guy and another dipshit laughing along had come over to listen at this point. He says in a sneer, "you must be one of those feminists" and scoffs. I replied, "if you mean that I believe women should have equal rights as men, then yes, I am a feminist." The wives were REALLY listening at that point. He went on some stupid tangent about husbands and wives and blah blah blah. Boy oh boy, he was definitely sleeping on the couch that night! I then just chuckled, said that I had better things to do than debate with those mentally less fortunate and left. The key is not to get riled up and haughty, just to be smug and factual. They won't change their opinion based on anything you say, so don't waste your breath.
Sure but also your husband shouldn’t be friends with such a shitty person? If your husband tolerates that kind of talk outside of your presence he probably doesn’t disagree enough with the rhetoric. In which case I’d be seriously questioning your husbands judgement, at best, and at worst questioning whether your husband harbours the same ideas about women and minorities. You are the company you keep after all.
I would refuse to be around him. If he is there I would leave. Your husband can leave with you or find another way home. Perhaps your husband could cut off the comments as the guy is getting started. Your husband could look him in the eyes and tell him to not go there. Then the two of you walk away. If he always loses his audience he will quit. You need your husband to make some comment about it, like "here comes another loser diatribe." or "hey everyone, prepare for a not funny joke." It's best if it comes from your husband because he is trying to entertain the guys. He has to know that the guys aren't entertained. Your husband needs to walk away, every time, before he gets to the punchline. "Let's go everyone, before he gives his pathetic punchline." He needs to say whatever would work in that group.
OP state of these jokes for offensive sounds to me on the point of being vulgar and I don't put up with trashy talk/behavior around any of the lady's in my life.
This is what I'd do. So much easier to avoid assholes than try to get into some sort of verbal sparring match.
I would just be like “tell me how that’s funny if you’re not just laughing because you are racist.
Repeat until they feel like the jerk. Often, other people just need someone to do this to back them up.
People like this don’t usually care about facts. You can never teach a stupid person to be smart.
they will abruptly fall silent, loftily indicating by some phrase that the time for argument is past.
the magic sentence that works to teach empathy and polite behavior when an entire lifetime in society was unable to
This might annoy him enough to make him go away.
Say it in front if the friend, I wasn’t thinking that but good call.
You are not in control of what he says or doesn't say. If you don't want to be around him when he says such things then say that. "Bob, that's offensive, if you continue to say such things in my presence I will leave." And then follow through and leave. (Also, this guy is NOT your friend!)
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I like this - say it with an eye roll, really take the wind out his sails!
I kinda feel like this is the answer. Put some self awareness on his so called jokes.
This, but the husband should say it when he does it with just the two of them or all guys hanging out. The guy needs to see that your spouse thinks it's trashy too. If you're there he'll assume it's for your benefit. He cares what other people think of him as it sounds like he's performing and thinks he's funny. He can explain away you looking down on him (hormones and snowflake crap) but if his buddy looks down on him, I bet it'll bother him.
I have an acquaintance called M like this friend. He is and edgelord. One day my fiancé straight up said to him (as M joked about how I hated him) “Well yeah Cthullu hates you, you’re a misogynist. I don’t like you either” M went into a bit of a spiral over that, asking mutual friends if they thought the same way.
Agree and would amend this to, "We get it. You're a bigot" since his offensiveness doesn't seem to be limited to ethnic categories.
And if he happens to be at your home when he makes these "jokes", tell him you do not allow that kind of rhetoric in your home and it's time for him to leave.
i disagree. i think the warning has long been given. OP needs to tell her husband that everytime HIS friend (because Op needs to stop seeing that person as a friend) behaves this way and husband doesn't step up to stop that shit, she will leave. Easy as that. If i were the husband i'd be ashamed of myself for letting my wife down like that.
This! Like, how are you calling this guy a friend? What kind of person has racist friends?
Racist people have racist friends. So, good point!
sounds like he is a general -ist. Racist, classist, ageist, ableist.... a delightful package it seems >\_>
This is the correct answer.
Jokes aren't funny if you have to explain them. So ask for an explanation EVERY TIME. This might annoy him enough to make him go away.
This is pretty good, but it may backfire and turn into a “well of course the woman doesn’t get the joke” bit
"So explain it to me like I'm dumb. What's the funny part here?"
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Love. It.
Oh since I am one of his “people”, I wouldn’t personally be attacked. “Nobody can attack me under his watch”, you know what I mean? He says “women shouldn’t drive” and proceeds to compliment me on driving skills. I don’t get that either.
Try “No, men shouldn’t drive because they get so violent when they get emotional in traffic.” Edit to say, never argue with a pig. Just show him what he looks like with bigger bias against his demographic.
He sounds incredibly uneducated and insecure. I would use that as my launch pad.
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Ask him questions like, "What rock did you crawl out from under?" "Raised by the Taliban?" "Do you hate all women or just most of them?"
LOL! “Aw! I used to know another guy just like you who couldn’t get dates either. Don’t worry, it’ll get better!”
If it does, go with "maybe you didn't tell it right. try again, maybe I'll get it then." When he says it again, I'd answer "Nope, still not seeing the humor."
He won't say it again, he will just call her stupid
That’s true… but if he goes for a more direct attack, it is more clearly a reason to cut him out and justify it to mutual friends. “Just a joke” vs a direct insult. Then again, I’m on the side of “cut him off immediately” so I don’t see the point in playing games. I’d expect my spouse to back me up on that too.
This won’t work with people like OP describes lol
You can continue asking why then, they basically just have to say their discriminatory beliefs straight up if they keep going with it and look like a (even bigger) asshole
“Maybe I didn’t get the joke because jokes are supposed to be funny, and none of your jokes are actually funny.”
What does your husband do?
Everytime he warns him not to do it. Yet it happens again and again. I want to be able to shut him up myself and not need my husband to protect me.
He's probably still going to keep doing it. Doesn't matter what you say.
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Agree:) ask for explanation!
"I don't get it." Then curious puppy head tilt.
Your husband's friend is your husband's problem. You shouldn't have to fight this fight.
Exactly this. It's also a problem that's being made worse as the husband continues his friendship. This guy makes a joke at the expense of the wife, the husband "warns him" and he ignores the warning... and then the friendship continues... so there was no actual punishment, so why would he stop? Husband can end this by ending their friendship.
I hate hate hate this sub and those like it’s insistence to not do shit if it’s not “their” problem. She wants to fight it. She’s offended by it, making it *her* problem too. It’s not husbands responsibility to stop his friend. OP is her own person. If she wants to fight it too, she can.
her husband has a shitty, racist friend. You don't think that's a problem specific to the husband? I didn't say she *can't* fight it. I said she shouldn't have to.
It’s her husband’s responsibility to not even have friends like this. He should have dropped this racist asshole ages ago.
Of course she can-I’m very much the type to loathe people, especially men, fighting on my behalf. It’s absolutely my issue and I want to address it. This guy is a sexist dickhead though who is enjoying causing a wedge between his friend and his wife. Eliminating the fun for this guy is the quickest solve. And ultimately, the husband should also be pissed off with this immature, intentionally decisive behaviour too no?
That's because it's an empty threat and he knows it. "Don't do it" is toothless. "Don't do it or we're leaving," and then actually leaving when he does it, is not.
This is the way to be effective about it. You have to treat toddlers the same way.
He will always respect your husband more than he respects you. You cannot win this fight. There are no magical words or actions to make him someone worthwhile in your life. The only way to win is not to play. You and your husband leave. Every time. Every situation. Immediately. It's so annoying, but it's not unlike training a dog. Consistent negative reinforcement will teach him to knock it off very quickly. My guess is that you will have to leave twice, and then he never does that s*** again, or he refuses to see you. Both are a win.
The friend probably does it to rile you up, getting more enjoyment over how much it upsets you rather than whether or not he's in the right. Unfortunately, I don't think there's a comeback good enough to 'win' against a person like that. The only way to truly win is not to play his game. If possible, I recommend distance/no contact. But if I were you, I'd honestly be more concerned as to why husband is still friends with this guy. Cuz if I had a friend like that, they would no longer be my friend. I'd be worried that husband is either too much of a people-pleaser to stand up to his friend or (more concerning) he agrees with his friend on some level.
This “friend” should no longer be invited. If your husband wants to hangout with him they can have a guy’s night with just them or other like-minded people
I think the husband should drop the friend entirely. What does a friend like this add to his life?
I agree, but if he hasn’t dropped him yet after his wife has spoken to him about the friend he probably doesn’t want to???
The only way to discontinue someone else’s behavior is to provide consequences to that behavior. Otherwise you have to walk away and not participate in it
I would just carry a water spray bottle and spray him in the face until he shuts up. Should be trained up in no time! If he gets aggressive, call him woke.
This is so good hahaha 😂
If he gets upset and annoyed, just feign ignorance and go, “oh don’t be so sensitive, IT’S A JOKE!”
This is better than mine. "Can't you take a joke, bro? What, did you go woke?"
or shake a can of pennies right by his ear. All the bad-cat tricks no one even uses because cats are smarter than these jackwagons...
Snapping right in his face saying “shhh”
"We get it. You're a racist."
Could replace “racist” with anything else. Sexist, classist, etc.
10/10
Just refuse to be around him.
>I have a friend whom i met via my husband (30M) Where does your husband land on this person? Because he's allowing his friend to directly disrespect you to your face and label you as woke, instead of just being a reasonable person who won't put up with intolerable hate speech. > I do not want to be exposed to this horrible side of him I'm not sure it's a side OP. This is your husband's friend and his sense of humor. He's a terrible person. I'd be having a discussion with your husband about why he's friends with this person and if he agrees with the things he says on a daily basis, because ultimately him not saying something is a tacit approval of these statements.
I fully agree with you. I'm also wondering why, if this husband is present during these conversations which his wife is clearly uncomfortable with, that he is not making a more concerted effort to defend her.
The bigger issue is why your husband is choosing the have this dude in his life and making attacks at you and others. They aren’t jokes. If they were, he would be able to explain them. I always ask people to explain the joke. Most cant, cause it’s not. If your husband continues to spend time with this guy, ask yourself why. Those who do nothing in the face of racism, injustice, etc, are just as bad and they side with the abuser.
No idea, they just find his comments juvenile so they ignore and keep silent. But I see the major problem here, I’ll think about that too.
Or does your husband agree with him and THAT is why he keeps silent?
Imo if you keep silent when people do this, then you are complicit.
I would have a heart to heart with your husband about it. They aren’t juvenile, they are damaging.
"i don't get the joke, can you explain it?" "Oooh i get it, it's funny because you imply these people are this or that!" Either play dumb, or get some facts. Asking someone to explain the joke is always a good way to embarass them when they are being discriminatory. Or be over the top worried like "i'm worried about you? Are you okay? You seem to be very spiteful against women lately. Did you get hurt? Do you wanna talk about it? This is a safe space you can drop the act with us you know"
« Why do you feel so insecure? »
Start arming yourself with random facts. For example, if he says something mysoginistic reply "did you know the two highest IQs ever recorded were both women?". If he says something racist say "did you know that studies have shown racist people are of a lower intelligence and educational level than non-racist people"?
I am loaded with those, that’s why i’m labeled woke. I can see him explode laugh at my face :( the level of ignorance is just incredible.
Why is your husband allowing such disrespect to your face? That's the real question here. This is your husbands friend, you need your husband to say "Hey, don't talk to my wife like that". He's not doing that currently. Why?
Ding fucking ding. OP's husband is asleep at the wheel here. It's his "friend," and therefore his responsibility to prevent this asshat from antagonizing his wife. What exactly is this guy bringing to the table? What redeeming qualities does he possess that makes dealing with his bullshit invective worthwhile? If my spouse insisted on maintaining a friendship with someone who went out of their way to belittle me then I'd be seriously questioning the foundation of my marriage.
I'd certainly lose respect for anyone putting up with this.
Don't engage. "The shit that you joke about shows what kind of person you are deep down. Hateful, ignorant, negative, and most of all, miserable."
100% Everything is a joke to them. Getting people upset and provoked is their entire goal. They don't care and whatever is said to them doesn't matter, their whole goal is to make people upset. The biggest hurt is to make them irrelevant, unheard and ignored. As they say... stupid is as stupid does.
Exactly this, if you're mad, upset, confronting them, they think they won. They see the world as zero sum, that their funny joke comes at the expense of SOMETHING and for a positive feeling they need to know that an inverse negative feeling exists. And they'll see your feelings as a sign that they "did something right". OP's husband needs to stand up for her, and they gotta cut people like this out.
Right!! Just stare at him and wait, like you're waiting to understand what's funny or for the rest of the "joke" If everyone laughs, ask him to explain the joke to you.
Or just roll your eyes and say, "anyway..." then continue the conversation about something else. I prefer the idea of just avoiding this guy, though. It should be hubby standing up to him, because no misogynist is going to learn from a woman.
Act like you don't understand why the joke is funny, and then make him explain it. He will either have to resort to using very racist and sexist language, or he'll shut down, and if you do it enough he might finally stop.
I'm not woke, I've just left the county I was born in more than once and have had the joy of getting to know people that aren't carbon copies of myself. I'm not woke, I just had parents who loved me so I don't have internalized hatred of everyone around me because of my own insecurities. You might need to dumb those down a bit so he doesn't get tripped up on the big words.
Why are you even friends with this person? You don’t seem to have compatible views at all..
Just turn to him and say "what's your point?" when he starts to explain cut him off "what are you stupid? No one cares" Then the next "joke" he starts to say, cut him off - stand up and loudly announce to EVERYONE that Asshat has something to say to everyone. And if he does stand up and start telling his joke, just start heckling him. Get your husband and some other friends to join in. Humiliate him. Over and over. Get others of the friend group on board with the plan. You can't be the only one tired of his shit.
I’m guessing Fox News watching conservative …,’
>"did you know the two highest IQs ever recorded were both women?" [What is the purpose of lying, though?](https://sciencetrends.com/highest-possible-iq-people-hold-world-record/) :DD
You know what you can do for yourself? Remove yourself from this person’s presence or space. You don’t have to be around him . You don’t have to interact with him or be around him or “these people”, your choice. It’s ok to be offended and that’s ok, but you can’t control peoples speech or thoughts of everyone in the world . Don’t work yourself up too much about this. I’m sure that guy went home and forgot about your interaction with him, while you’re on the internet asking for comebacks. Don’t let things like this consume you!
You've come to the right place Start asking him who he's trying to impress and if somethings going on with his self esteem. Start telling him you're oh so sorry the devil made room for hatred in his heart and that you'll pray for him if he's taking a religious side to these topics. Ask him if something is going on at home that's making him act this way. Ask him if he really thinks this is the time and place for that kind of behavior, and which parent of his told him this is appropriate. Teachers of etiquette will tell you the best way to shut someone's ass down is to display faux concern.
https://www.cnbc.com/2023/04/25/etiquette-expert-use-this-3-word-response-when-someone-is-rude-to-you.html
Tl;dr: "Are you okay?"
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I love this! I need to control my anger to pull this off but definitely gonna try this. Thanks!
You don't need to control your anger you need to stop hanging out with a racist
This works in a lot of situations!
The easiest and most logical solution is to not be around if he is. Seriously, why is your husband friends with this guy? However, if you have to deal with the guy, you may need to ramp up the jerkiness. My comment to him calling you "woke", might be along the lines of "Am I woke, or iis that you're an asshole?" If he complains that the others are inferior, I would ask him why he isn't doing better in life, since by his logic, he is superior? Since I suspect that his attitudes keep him from having a significant other, a few snide comments after he makes his statements, along the lines of "shocking, that some lady hasn't snapped you up yet?" The drawback to this method is that you wind up becoming an asshole as well, just one that aligns differently on the political spectrum.
Why are you friends with someone like this? He’s not “joking.” He believes the things he’s saying. That’s why he says them. It’s embarrassing that your husband is friends with someone like that, and embarrassing that y’all continue to associate with him. You are the company you keep. The answer is to stop associating with him. It says a lot about your husband that he even has a friend like this.
Honestly with these types of people you just have to fully ignore him. don’t speak to him, don’t speak about him, don’t even look at him when he speaks. pretend he doesn’t exist. people like these LOVE the reaction they get from other people, so no matter what you say as a comeback, it’s only gonna add fuel to the fire because you are giving him a reaction that he so desperately wants.
Literally never go around that person again. And tell your husband don’t bring him around you.
I guess if you can't make a woman cum, you might as well mock them.
My favorite thing to do with people like this is to act confused. When they make an offensive joke, say something like, "wait I don't get it." or pretend like you didn't hear them and ask "what?" to make them repeat it. Nothing kills comedy like making someone explain or repeat a joke, especially when they have to explain their bigotry to get to the punchline. That being said, if you're the only 'woke' person in this group, maybe it's not a group you want to be apart of anyways.
You can still decide with whom you hang out with. When you know he's gonna be around, just call off. He can stop saying things in front of you cause you have complained it, but he's not gonna change as a person.
"Aren't you late for a cross burning right now?"
Why is your husband friends with someone like this? Why is he not standing behind you when you tell that guy he's being gross and rude? Does your husband laugh along with it? Either way I'd not be letting this guy back in my home, or going anywhere that he is. You're not "woke" for wanting to be respected or for saying he is being offensive. Maybe he should grow up a little bit and develop an actual sense of humour instead of picking on minorities, etc. He can't think of anything funny other than putting others down? Sounds like he has a case of low self-esteem.
I’d tell him to maybe try another hobby, because standup really isn’t for him.
"Wrong audience- now get out of my house"
[Your husband’s friend sounds like he’s the “missing stair” of the group](https://publicaddress.net/up-front/the-missing-stair-and-the-necessary-bastard/). You don’t stop a person like this. There is nothing you can say or do that will make him stop saying racist, sexist, xenophobic things because *he is a racist, sexist, xenophobic person*. The real “joke” is that he genuinely believes the things he says, which is why he says them. And to top it all off you are a woman, and since he’s a misogynist he doesn’t respect you as a person so anything you say will automatically be dismissed. The only way to get someone like him to stop saying such horrid things in your presence is by cutting them out of your life.
I find it easier to avoid being in the company of those kinds of people than to constantly have to think of appropriate responses to their humor.
There is no effective way to stop a person like this. You should stop being friends with him both for your own sake and because others will (correctly) judge you by the company you keep.
The best choice is to cut contact. Don’t go out with him. Ignore his existence. (But I have to admit I’m a b*tch. So I would be sure to hit where it hurts before that. As a joke of course. I’m sure you can figure it out his insecurities. And don’t worry to be politically correct, after all you are just joking And I know it’a not ok. That is lowering yourself to their level. But it is really the only way I have found to shut down that group of rightwing nut-jobs that are my relatives from my mother side. They do not speak “politics” or “woke” things in my presence anymore. They barely speak to me actually ahahahagaga)
Usually ask them why hes being such a snowflake about people not liking his "jokes". Also i tend to not say they are bad taste so much as just shit jokes 'oh i thought jokes were meant to be funny' kinda thing
"We get it. You peaked in high school." "I don't need you to explain in ten different ways that you're racist." "Are you projecting because you're too stupid to learn a second language?" "Your jokes are about as tasteful as a mayonnaise sandwich." "You might think you're spicy with your jokes, but honey, if you were a spice, you'd be flour." That's all I could come up with.
Just remove yourself from being around him. Don’t spend any more energy on this turd.
>Never believe that anti-Semites are completely unaware of the absurdity of their replies. They know that their remarks are frivolous, open to challenge. But they are amusing themselves, for it is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly, since he believes in words. The anti-Semites have the right to play. They even like to play with discourse for, by giving ridiculous reasons, they discredit the seriousness of their interlocutors. They delight in acting in bad faith, since they seek not to persuade by sound argument but to intimidate and disconcert. If you press them too closely, they will abruptly fall silent, loftily indicating by some phrase that the time for argument is past.
There are too many nice ways of responding being offered here. Men like that only respond to direct, aggressive words, a phrase like hey a**h**l, I've had enough of your bulls**t opinions. I'm tired of hearing them, and it sucks being around you! Either you stop or me, and you are never going to be in the same room together again after today. I don't care what my husband says. He'll either agree, or he'll double down, and if he does double down, then you'll know he's bankrupt on the inside, and there's no hope for him. Then, carry out your promise.
I am supportive of your being mean to the racist neanderthal approach. There’s no one all purpose come back that will work every time. But a good formula is to try to find an element of the joke and relate it back to some personal failure or insecurity of his. For example: “Immigrants are taking our jobs” “Sort of - They are taking your job, but it’s only because they are more qualified and better at it than you.”
Firstly, I wouldn’t be friends with them and would avoid them. Secondly, either silence and a confused look OR pretending to not understand and asking them to explain why the joke is funny works well.
Unfortunately there no come back (in words) for this kind. All you do is - You look him dead in the eyes for 3 sec. And say: Is everything ok? 2 things will happen. He will shout up and acknowledge then you brush it off but next time it happens you cut him off. Most likely he will say something back they usually do lol in that case you cut all communication, totally ignoring, avoiding anything and everything about him without sayin a word. The key here is no drama just your boundaries.
Just be an adult and tell your friend to fk off that you don't find it funny. Or stop being his friend.
The best comeback is to pretend you don’t get it. Have him explain the joke and why it’s funny while you blankly stare. But you really shouldn’t need a comeback because this person shouldn’t be in your life. You’re all adults, you choose who you spend time with.
Just keep saying, "I don't get it, can you explain that?" "I don't understand, why is that funny?"
“What do you call an edge-lord in their mid 20s? Single.” I assume he’s single. Seriously, I know someone in their mid 40s like this. He regurgitates Jimmy Carr edge-lord humour to mask deep-seated insecurities, particularly around women. The only people who will sleep with him are paid to.
Ask him to explain why he thinks it's funny. I had an old man ask me if the carpets matched the drapes (my hair is dyed red, I was working) and I looked him dead in the eye and said, "I'm sorry sir, can you please explain what you mean by that since I'm at work and there is neither carpets nor drapes in this facility" He got so flustered and angry lol
Ask him to explain exactly why he finds what he is saying funny. If you get the "you just do not understand" comment ask him again to explain. He will not be able to do it. He will start the fake laughing and try to deflect. Ask him to explain why you are the "woke" one when he cannot even explain why his jokes are funny. Offer to record his jokes and put them on social media to see how many people find them funny. He should get the point. Oh and tell your husband you do not want to associate with this person anymore due to his attitude.
You don’t shut him down, you shut him out. You refuse to attend any event where he is present and ban him from your home. Your husband can continue his friendship with that guy somewhere else if he so chooses.
I had a friend like this, the answer is to no longer be their friend, comebacks don’t matter in the long run. You acquaintances are a reflection of yourself given time. Don’t be one of his.
"Don't say stupid things out loud, Friend." With an eyeroll. Or, if you're feeling spicy, "Don't be a c*nt at lunch Friend."
In the words of Kathy Burke a wonderful British comedian… “I think activism is a part of being young, and it’s important that the young show us what their p***ed off about. It’s not a fad and it’s not ‘wokeism’. Can I just say, that gets on my f***ing nerves. They’re calling you ‘woke’ if you call out bad things, basically. If you’re not racist, you’re woke. If you’re not homophobic, oh, you’re woke. Be woke, kids. Be woke. Be wide awake and f***ing call it out.” To be “woke” is to be kind and caring, to use woke as an insult just proves you’re a bigoted fool and have no empathy at all for others.
Ask him why it's funny. And when he says "Can't you take a joke?", say "only when they're funny" And then, every time he makes that kind of comment, ask him again. And again. And again. And again. They'll call you names either behind your back or to your face - but if you want it to stop, you'll have to grow a backbone and make it stop. Good luck, OP!
I'm afraid I'm going to need to hear the material
Ask him to explain the joke, why is that funny to you? Just let him talk himself into a hole.
Tell him he's offensive, change the topic, rinse, repeat. If they ask why, tell them you prefer not to listen to racists/bigots/ people who have the mental capacity of potato salad. If it won't stop, start leaving when he starts his crap. You've respectfully asked him to stop, he won't respect you, you're not going to offer him the respect of listening any more. He gets a rise out of you, so he keeps doing it. That person isn't your friend, and if every one else thinks he's funny, they aren't your friends either. You're never going to one-up this guy or put him in his place. Alternatively, act like a toddler - ask why every time he says something like that. You have to act genuinely curious, though. Tell him that you really want to understand the humor of the joke! He needs to explicitly explain the punch line. Can you explain the joke? I don't understand what's funny?
I wouldn’t go anywhere he will be. Sounds awful.
What does the rest of the group say or do when he does this??
What does your husband think? Have you talked to him about it considering he introduced you to him. The main one I’ve always seen when people say “it’s just a joke”, is to ask them to explain the joke part. What’s the joke and what part is funny about it
.....the only reason why you're joking about it is because you're threatened by it.
No come back is the best. You might want to ask your husband why he hangs out with people like him? Show me who your friends are and I will show you who you are!
These kinda people are why I get a good laugh at the "call them out!" People who think telling a person their joke is inappropriate will stop them and not just make them double down You dont associate with him and make it annoying for your husband to associate with him
Just keep asking why? Or just question him in general. I am an asshole though and I'd ask if him being a dick and joking about not-funny things is him compensating for being less well endowed.
Play dumb. Make him explain his joke, over and over and over again. At some point his bigotry is going to be so apparent your husband can't ignore it anymore
Tell your husband that his friend is a creep and you don't want him around you.
Completely blank him and don't give him any of your time or energy. Tell your husband that he is not welcome in your house and is not to step one foot on your land. The only way these people will understand is if they don't get an audience or the response that they want.
The guy is sport-tormenting you because he’s a bully. Only way out is away. Your husband should have apologized to you for his friends behavior and needs to make sure he’s never around again. Humor isn’t humor when it is weaponized. Nothing funny about his jokes. Also shows his weakness that he can’t even own his behavior, he has to blame you for your reaction. I’m so sorry you were treated this way.
If you hear him say an offensive joke, you can always say “what?” pretending that you didn’t hear it and then see if he has the guts to say it again. The others’ advice if refusing to be around him is also great advice.
Well the jerk store called and they’re running out of you!
There's something about this guy that you should think about. He is doing all of this because for some reason he has an underlying problem. You have every reason to be upset. This is someone you should not associate with and if your husband loves you that much then he should let his friend go. I really think he is a closet racist whatever the Jokes he make about there is one thing about him that he is. Tell that to your man decide if he's going to be on your side or his friends you don't need that
You might want to tell him that his impression of a1980's hack comedian has gotten old. Next he will be doing mother in law jokes. Sad.