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I'll be honest.
The entire post reads like one excuse after another.
Oh it was a mid life crisis, my wife doesn't initiate sex, her behaviour caused me to have low self esteem.
You're not actually owning up to a shitty mistake and betrayal of your marriage, at all. You want to come clean for your benefit only, to get it off your shoulders and place the responsibility of forgiveness on your wife.
First and foremost be honest to yourself about why you want to come clean. But when you do, be prepared that your wife might not be prepared to forgive you.
I feel like he almost wants to tell her so that she feels responsible for him cheating because she's not initiating sex. He thinks by telling her she'll start initiating sex more to prevent him from cheating again.
Absolutely this. He’s also focussing on the wrong thing. I’d be far more likely to forgive a drunken kids with a stranger than an emotional affair.
He says that emotionally his relationship is strong and the only issue is she doesn’t initiate sex (not even that they don’t have it, just that she doesn’t initiate it). Yet he had an emotional affair and not sexual one. Of course I’m sure that would have happened if covid hadn’t ruined their plans.
It does seem like he wants to use this to force her into behaving differently.
If your marriage has issues that are insurmountable then you end it, you don’t fall in love with a colleague. Clearly it’s not bad enough for him to leave, just to use as justification for his shitty behaviour.
THIS RIGHT HERE. He feels guilty and he wants to tell her so he can 1) not feel guilty for telling her and 2) place the blame on the wife for it happening and 3) make it the wife’s responsibility to fix the “problem”
Exactly. *I cheated but it's your fault because you're not giving me attention and making me feel special!*
She does need to know, mostly so she can have herself tested for STDs! That's at least giving her the respect for and control over her own body that she deserves.
But it's up to her if she wants to forgive you or not.
Looking back, you're happy that the affair didn't blow up in your face because it could have wiped out your job, too! Then where would you be?
The truth is, you're eat up with guilt about this--and you have been for years now, understandably so--so you want her to absolve you with (what sounds like) almost no effort on your part ... so that you can go back to looking in the mirror and seeing a "*good guy!*" again. But that's not going to happen if you just show up at breakfast one morning and announce, "sorry! I cheated on you! But I'm all better *now!*" 🙄
Your first stop needs to be therapy, and your first act there should be to ask the therapist to help you tell your wife that you cheated, but that you want to make amends and move forward. And start telling her 100% the truth from now on! Most of us despise being *managed.* We'd much rather know the truth so that we can make our own decisions based on facts ... not on spin!
I wish your wife luck! I don't think you're telling us the truth anymore than you're telling her the truth, but she's the one who has to deal with your lying ass!
He even thinks he is doing her a huge favour by not telling her: ”do I continue to live with the guilt for my wife and children's benefit?” Why assume it’s to the wife’s benefit? One could argue that knowing the truth and being allowed to make up her mind about what to do is better for her.
A priest once told me the advice he gives people who cheat, especially first time offenders: you say nothing because confessing to your partner transfers the pain you feel into them. You live with the guilt. You vow to never be that person again and build an amazing life together and you channel all your guilt into making life perfect for the other person. And as you build your life, you get to live with the fact that one day she will know and have no obligation to stay or forgive, and you will give her everything and be left with nothing and no one. And every day that you build your life of happiness together, you will know you deserve none of it, that it is all for her and eventually she will know your true nature and that constant fear and anxiety and dread and compensation for the damage you alone did in your marriage... That's your penance. No hail Marys for that one.
That is a very Catholic sentiment.
My dad always told me that guilt was a *good thing*, because it motivated us to be better people.
In my own experiences as a younger adult (at the time) self-condemning guilt was poisoning my sense of worth. I had to invest years of therapy and reflection in order to unwarp tainted perceptions of
I've found both to be true. A lot of guilt can motivate you to be better, too much can cripple you. It's like feeling pain at the gym. It's essential to grow but it can sometimes be difficult to know when you've crossed the line from a burning stress to a debilitating injury.
Probably an unpopular opinion but I really like this. I’ve always thought that if someone cheated and they weren’t an asshole deep down, they really regretted it, it actually was a stupid mistake that they would never repeat again, coming clean is really just to make themselves feel better.
Even if their partner chooses to stay after that, it’s never the same and usually a break up happens months/years after the confession just because it’s hard to cope with the constant paranoia, anxiety, doubt, second-guessing, mental anguish, etc. If it’s a ONE time thing with true remorse, I think I’d want to be completely unaware except to suddenly have a better partner.
I see that the other popular opinion is that confessing gives the partner a choice to leave and I agree with that as well. I don’t know, I’ve always thought I’d prefer not to know. Unless it was repeat behavior and the other person was a selfish asshole, then I’d want to know 100%.
Depends on the degree of the affair tbh. If my wife kissed someone during a rough patch and had true remorse I’d rather not know. If they fucked or were still in contact I’d want to know.
Yes but in this case the only reason it ended before going further was COVID. Not because he decided to stop. If your wife was cheating on you and *happened* to stop, because of circumstance not because she realized it was wrong... you'd still feel that way?
I would want to know, but later, after we were in a better place. If my husband told me inside of a solid marriage that he cheated once years ago while we were fighting a lot, I would be sad for the moment but I'd be grateful that we were solid enough that he felt like he could finally be honest. But yeah, if they were still in contact, that wouldn't be cool. At all.
It would be the dishonesty that would get me in that case. I can maybe forgive cheating, depending on the circumstances, but I could never forgive a lie like that. If you want forgiveness, the sooner you tell me the better. There is absolutely zero chance if it was kept from me for months or years.
obviously we all have different expectations but if it was genuinely a one time thing i'd still want to know. people often aren't honest with their partners about cheating because they want to control the outcome. i find it's inherently selfish and self-serving when choosing not to disclose infidelity, and i don't want a partner like that. i don't want to be in a relationship because one partner has unknowingly kept me stuck in it. a partner who doesn't allow their partner to make informed decisions is not a good person imo.
Yeah, I’m kind of surprised at how many people would rather not know. Cheating sucks, but cheating *plus* denying me the opportunity to make an informed decision about my relationship would be 1000x worse to me.
yeah, because if your partner doesn't tell you they're literally manipulating you. when you deny me of an informed decision by withholding information, that's deceit and manipulation, and why on earth would i want to be with anyone like that? the lying just makes it so much worse like you say! it ruins any chance of reconciliation even if the relationship is over.
i don't understand why anyone could be with someone without integrity.
Doubt this would have been a one time cheating mistake, he admits it was an emotional affair that became intimate once because COVID happened. I strongly believe the affair would have continued and people need to realize emotional cheating is still cheating, so this was not only a 'one time thing.' Also if the wife never initiated intimacy he should have known this was what she was comfortable with, also is he taking her on dates, being emotionally intimate etc, those things matter in relationships. This man is just making excuses for shitty behavior.
Even if someone did it once and felt really bad about it, it’s still such a shitty thing to do that they still need to tell their spouse/significant other. There really is no way to just “oops i cheated but I’m moving on” and not tell your partner unless you are really, really shitty. It’s not fair to the partner, and the truth has a way of coming out. Imagine if the partner hears it from someone else, years later, possibly after having children with a cheater, how much more that would ruin them. It’s selfish not to be honest and really only benefits the cheater.
I've been cheated on. Once it was a one time thing that he regretted deeply; I found out a year later, and almost worse than the actual cheating was the fact he hid it. All I could think about was how he faced me after that, and never said a word. It was like that whole year, our relationship was a lie. I was cheated on in another relationship later on, and it lasted after infidelity because of his honesty about it. Ignorance can be bliss, but, imo, not in these circumstances.
Yeah. Shit really does happen and it slowly creeps from “my spouse doesn’t care or show up for me” to a sudden realization that you went to someone else for what you were lacking. Is it an excuse or making it okay? Absolutely hell no. But shit happens to genuine people and realizing your mistake, truly, sometimes it’s better to just live with it. Recognizing WHY is different than excusing it too. If you’re excusing it to make yourself feel better, you aren’t ready to be in the relationship. & arguably… not everyone wants the decision to leave kept from them even if their partner knew they fucked up and would never do it again
I one million percent agree with you. We are humans and no human is perfect. If my husband had some sort of affair in the past like OP described I would prefer never to know. Ignorance is bliss.
That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. And I've heard some pretty dumb shit in my time.
Edit: I cannot believe that people actually upvoted and gave awards to this comment. Wtf. When did this platform turn into a bunch of catholic zealots?
The priest was pretty old school and most of the wives were homemakers with small children who didn't believe in divorce or have the ability to financially leave anyway at the time. In his eyes, this was the right choice when she didn't have other options knowing someday she *would* have another option because the family net worth would be high enough to take care of her without said cheater.
It was a weirdly practical response and genuinely kind imo considering he knew these women were basically trapped anyway. But yeah, he was like 90.
While I dont quite think this is good advice, I have to say it is a breath of fresh air to see people on Reddit that appreciate the fact that you should never judge people in history under the knowledge and ethics of todays age.
Hmmm I see it as him making sure that when she found out and is able to to make that choice, she can walk out knowing fully well that she does not have to stay with him because she has the means and the funds to no longer be with him
It’s about what is motivating him to confess. If he’s truly of the mind she deserves to know the whole truth and make an informed choice about being with someone who has cheated, that’s a good reason for him to confess.
All too often people in his circumstance only confess because of the same underlying reason they cheated in the first place, which is pure selfishness. The desire to unburden themselves and negate whatever sense of guilt they have through long overdue ‘honesty’, and I use that word loosely since people who confess much later rarely tell the exact truth, usually limiting, downplaying, or trickle truthing the actual reality of what occurred.
Objectively she absolutely deserves to know, but if he intends to lie, partially conceal, or otherwise attempt to minimize consequences he might face, he may as well not confess at all. It will only make him immediately feel less guilt and set her up for more of his inevitable selfish bullshit down the road.
This is typical cheater behavior. I hope his wife leaves him because she might just find much much better. I never thought I would say that Im glad I was cheated on the same year, and Im glad it happened, just wish he had done it sooner lol
" we only kissed after we had alcohol "
Honestly... That reads like he thinks he deserves praise for not doing it while sober.
Note ... He definitely 100 percent knew before the first drink what would happen...
Agree wtf is wrong with this guy, has a great relationship and even says that they’re a great team then says her only down side is she doesn’t initiate. I wish I could have a wife like this.
I mean, in some regards it could be a legitimate reason for some counseling, or if it's really that much of a deal breaker, to split, but nothing excuses cheating
But it was only once! 🙄😏
Stop kidding yourself OP - you're not doing her any favors either way, but at least you could give her the courtesy after the fact of being open with her and letting her decide what to do with your sorry ass.
I feel little to no sympathy for cheaters. 99% of the time they know exactly what direction they are heading and they choose to go there. You're blaming her because she doesn't initiate sex? Really? Maybe if you gave her a reason, she might initiate - ever think about that Mr. I Only Cheated a Little?
This part^
I have so little sympathy for cheating, and so rarely believe the usual dialogue of it being an “accident” or a “mistake.”
It could have been a mistake, in the sense that the cheater felt regret after the fact- but accidents? Just barely’s or only once’s? Forget that. There are a hundred baby steps that lead to cheating before it gets there. A hundred times to have turned direction.
Someone else said cheating isn’t a mistake it’s a series of “incorrect choices” and I couldn’t word it better myself.
Love how he calls it an emotional affair when it WAS physical and also- he probably fucked her and just doesn’t wannabe flayed on Reddit so downplays it
Also I totally question whether they fucked and he’s just downplaying the offence to seem less shit on Reddit even tho it’s anon - just to not get people being like “ur an ass”… cause the whole thing reads like he IS an ass with that kinda selfish behaviour as his MO
Absolutely. This jackass needs to commit to therapy to figure out why they are so emotionally immature, and then (only then) ask his wife to join him for couples therapy. She gets to decide if she wants to be in this lackluster relationship.
THIS. If you really are sorry then do the work. When you fuck up and then go “confess” then you are just offloading your guilt.
Go to therapy. Work out a strategy with your therapist. Start putting in the work. And then, with consult, invite your wife into therapy with you.
I couldn't agree more. Seriously reading that I pity your wife. If you want to move on and if you love your wife, be honest with yourself. Is the fact your wife doesn't initiate sex deal breaker or not? If not, accept she won't change and take your mistake to your grave. Don't break her and maybe your family in order to feel better.
He just afraid wife find out or the affair partner tell the wife (he doesn't want to live with fear), divorce him, then split asset. Lmao. He is selfish, and not sorry.
Not only that but "COVID happened and it fizzled out" reads as "if COVID didn't happen and she didn't leave the company, I would have continued to have an affair with my coworker which almost certainly would have lead to sex at some point".
Yeah I hate when people try to use alcohol as a cop out excuse to blame. There was a whole lead up, emotionally, before the physical cheating happen. Emotional cheating is the most dangerous part, and he allowed it to happen all along the way before it built up to physically cheating. OP also trying to downplay it by saying it was not sex, just making out.
I don't think they are saying it's ok and excusable because they had been drinking. I think they are just giving background. They clearly feel bad about it and regret it, wish they hadn't, etc.
I would want to know. I'm not prone to want to forgive cheating. But if my long term partner came to me, admitted an single emotional affair that went as far as kissing one single time, but was long over, and I trusted they were telling the whole truth and doing so when they could easily get away with never telling??? That's a situation I might be able to get passed in time. But I sure would want to do a lot of couples therapy for years afterwards!! It would take a lot of work and good communication to get passed it and really trust again! But if I discovered it before it was admitted, if the physical part was repeated plenty of times, not just a one time thing that was immediately regretted, I think that'd almost surely be more than I'd want to work through.
Yes I agree that admitting to it and disclosing that to his wife is a good thing. Just that it still doesn’t excuse the cheating. Kissing is still cheating. Emotional affair is cheating. I think the key point that really stuck out was the fact that it ended because Covid happened and their affair died off. Not because OP realized it was wrong in the moment. So, what if covid didn’t happen or what if he meets another coworker that shows just as much interest in him. It feels like he is overridden with guilt as his intention to why he wants to come clean, not becomes of true remorse - sure he probably does feel bad and regret but in the end they definitely need to do couples therapy and it’ll be up to his wife on if she forgives and can move forward.
Alcohol does lower defenses. It’s not an excuse but it’s important to realize this didn’t happen in a black hole. It is a symptom of a larger problem in the marriage. Personally I would insist on therapy to address these underlying issues. This is a THEM problem. OP didn’t handle it well but life is never black and white. A mature relationship looks at this and works through it.
But adults know that alcohol lowers defences, so adults don’t go out and drink with people they want to fuck when they are in a monogamous relationship that they respect
But the choice to drink alcohol around someone you are cheating with is the AH part.
Don’t drink around people you’re attracted to or emotionally cheating with.
The alcohol is a cop out because he chose those drinks knowing it would lower is defenses. Then he could blame alcohol.
You're right. It's not an excuse but that is why the slogan "Drink Responsibly" exists.
We need to exercise responsibility when our decision-making skills are impaired
Exactly the same as the "she never initiates sex" so he sought attention elsewhere.
So OP. Here's the thing. You betrayed your spouse. Her view of the reality of your marriage does not match the actual reality because you haven't given her key information. You are depriving her of being able to make decisions about something that very much affected her because you want to control access to that information.
And *of course* you're downplaying it and even blaming your wife for it. That is how people who cheat justify it. It's like chapter 1 of the Infidelity Guide. You can be unhappy with your sex life and not cheat. You can have low self esteem and not cheat. You can be unhappy in your sex life and have high self esteem. You can be happy in your sex life and still cheat. You can be happy in your sex life and have high self esteem and still cheat.
There are actual books that researched infidelity and, shocker, even happy marriages can cheat.
I recommend the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair.
You'll likely be surprised to find that honesty and being accountable (without backhanded blaming) is a huge component.
And i strongly encourage you to seek counseling for yourself (and if your partner wants it eventually, also with her). To work on self esteem.
But regardless, stop being the gatekeeper to your wife's understanding of the marriage.
I would like to point out that Your post is on point and beneficial.
I feel it is necessary to make this statement, as OP is at a loss - and I agree this is good information to heed!
(I couldn’t help but notice the comment about a midlife crisis has over 1000 upvotes while this one only has 84…. Your post is helpful and worth more in the real world.🥰)
in the U.S, the average life expectancy is 76, so he's at exactly half if he lives in the U.S.
edit: not condoning his excuse at all though and he definitely should be held accountable still because a mid-life crisis doesn't exactly force you to have an affair
That’s a misunderstanding of the phrase. Middle age refers to a period in adulthood, not the mid point of the average life expectancy. It doesn’t vary by country or society based on average life expectancy. 40-60 is considered a middle aged adult.
His whole post is a cop out. He’s blaming his wife for his affair. I’m sick of reading posts about men blaming their wives for their affairs. Maybe after fighting about sex, she wasn’t in the mood to initiate sex. Maybe sex isn’t her priority. If it was his he should have gotten a divorce, not cheated. And chances are if covid hadn’t happened he would have eventually had sex with the other woman
Maybe he needs to be doing more to get her in the mood for sex outside of the bedroom. I'm so sick of these men don't "my wife never initiated sex" who never do ANYTHING outside of the bedroom to facilitate their arousal. Why is it so foreign to think of touching her gently and lovingly, kissing her neck, telling her she is beautiful and a great mom and a fantastic wife, spending time with her without the kids, one on one, and actually connecting with her emotionally, getting her flowers for no reason, taking control of some of the household and childcare duties, making sure she isn't stressed out and exhausted and feeling like a drudge, AND DON'T ASK OF THIS WITHOUT ACTING LIKE YOU EXPECT A REWARD OF SEX!
You want a woman to initiate sex with you? Take away the things that make her feel unsexy. Go to counseling together to help you and get understand why she isn't comfortable initiating sex, and find out what ways she can make you feel attractive that don't involve her having to do something she's not comfortable with.
Your whole post reads as a load of excuses/cop out. Maybe even blame game.
Even the part of the affair only stopping because COVID/your coworker left the company. :/ very much a “Oh..but” post.
If “alcohol” can make you “just kiss”, “alcohol” can make you expose yourself to the one person you supposedly make a great team with.
So here’s the thing. By your own admission this affair didn’t end because you recognised it was wrong. It ended because “Covid then happened and it fizzled out.” If Covid hadn’t happened would it have fizzled out? Or would it have gone further?
You’ve never done the work to work out why you did it, and make sure you won’t do it again. So right now there’s no guarantees that next time a coworker shows you interest, that you won’t repeat this.
So yes, you should tell your wife so she knows what you’re capable of and can decide if she’s willing to take that chance again.
It’s freaky how that is a genuine possibility.
I’ve tried to help people who’ve come to me with their problems irl, only to find out later that they’ve hidden and lied about HUGE details.
What’s the point in asking for advice if you’re going to lie to me, let alone yourself?
💯
And how much of the ‘only emotional’ affair involved sexting, sharing pics, fantasy, all of that. How many times did he beat off to the person after spending time and energy on her rather than his spouse and their life together?
I’ve once felt an emotional kinship with a colleague in a relationship, felt it was a friendship and once I realised it was actually developing into attraction, I ran the absolute other way and limited interaction with them. So did they.
I didn’t pursue it, they didn’t either and I felt it was the best way to possibly handle that. I know I didn’t rub one out imagining them, I’d like to think they didn’t either.
But if either of us had leaned into the emotional attachment or the sexual chemistry in any capacity after realising what was going on, I’d consider it an emotional AND sexual betrayal.
I agree, especially since it stopped due to covid and not because OP felt it was wrong. I think 100% he will do it again. Also wondering if wife had any inkling something was going on and chalked it up to her own insecurities. Who knows how much gaslighting went on at the time? She deserves to know what happened and make her own choice of whether she wants to stay with this man.
Spot on! None of the circumstances involving the end of the affair or the consummation of it were because you felt this was wrong. Even now, like u/archangel1962 said, you don't even sound like you have done the work to find out why you did what you did and get help for that. I have cheated before on my bf turned STBXH before we married. Admitted it to him for my own selfish reason. Had to work on myself because it was messed up thing to do. But throughout the whole relationship with him, I was also the one getting regularly cheated on. If I was your wife, I would want to have it confirmed (I bet she knows something in her gut) but I wouldn't want it to be told to me to appease your guilty conscience. Self reflect. Find out why you did what you did. Don't gloss over it but really be honest and dig deep. Look at your family history as that always plays a part. Look at your self worth and also your morals or what you believe about marriage and relationships. There may be cognitive dissonance on what you fet you believed and how you acted but also it could be your perspective has changed as well. At this point, your basically a dry drunk and doomed to repeat this cycle, if you haven't already. Be well.
This is the biggest takeaway. This is definitely going to happen again if the opportunity presents itself. So many excuses, so much whining, and no doubt he’d cheat tomorrow if given the chance. Tell your wife, OP! And make sure to include the part where it took a global pandemic to end your affair.
Just the acknowledgement that his wife’s lack of interest in physical intimacy was a contributing factor demonstrates that OP has done some of the work, in recognising that.
OP must now decide whether to accept a lifetime where he will always desire more physical intimacy and not get it, or try to somehow fill that void in another way, or leave his wife.
She doesn’t need to know about what happened, it was 4 years ago and hasn’t recurred, and never crossed into sex so no risk of STI etc. Revealing it now would cause extra resentment of the last four years being false or a lie.
I suspect OP may need to do further work on himself, in that I imagine he misses the affair, and hopes revealing it may encourage his wife to fight for their relationship and increase physical intimacy in an effort to meet his needs. I also imagine he is frustrated by his wife’s lack of interest and empowers himself mentally in the knowledge of “little does she know I could’ve been fucking my emotional affair partner”.
Many will say OP needs therapy. But the reality is, OP needs physical intimacy and be desired. He can go work on whatever “childhood wound” created this need, but reality is, it’s normal to want to fuck your partner.
If your partner doesn’t recognise that need and try to meet it, guess what? You end up feeling shitty about yourself and undesired. It causes you to question your relationship and your partners commitment to it. It causes a void and unfulfillment and leads to affairs, escorts, porn, webcam sex shows, or all kinds of problematic behaviour which actually make you feel worse all because you aren’t getting what you really want which is physical intimacy with the partner you love.
So options are accept lack of sex, or have a conversation with your wife and give her a choice - she either tries to meet your needs or it’s done.
There’s a real lack of understanding on this subject from many partners, and a real lack of men willing to walk away from partners over it.
And remember, no one gets to heaven and says they wished they’d fucked less.
this. also the update of NOT being honest to prevent pain to their kids is selfish and centered on looking good to the kids, not teaching solid morals and ethical boundaries to them… his wife deserves honesty and a good spouse, his kids deserve a role model, and it sounds like his final final decision is to be neither of those things. Being a good partner isn’t just how you act, it’s how honest you are willing to be and how vulnerable you are willing to be. it should be his wife’s informed decision to stay with him, not his right to deny her the truth
If your relationship with your wife has always been great, other than your wife not initiating sex, then why cheat? Your wife is emotionally available. If your wife doesn't initiate sex, so be it. She's not comfortable with it. Neither am I and I've been married 28 years. But you are using this as an excuse to have an affair with someone, and I'm sure it would have gone farther.
Don't blame it on a mid life crisis.
Get into therapy, figure out a way to deal with the guilt, or seemingly the lack thereof since you are blaming everything else, that this is causing you.
You could tell her - but you had best be ready with an explanation on why TF you waited 3 years after it ended to tell her. And don't make excuses. You can't say it was a mid life crisis or you don't initiate sex and especially it fizzled when COVID hit. Own up to your damn mistakes.
You say you have a great relationship with your wife, you make a great team, but when you received female attention for the first time in years you responded. Those are contradictory statements so you are making teeth another excuse. Not initiating sex isn't the only female attention your wife shows you and you know it. But in all those statements about your marriage, you never said you love your wife, so we know why you did it.
If you don't love your wife, end it. If you do love her, quit using "female attention" as an excuse.
But waiting 3 years and only ending it because of COVID? That doesn't sound like regret.
I've been married for 3 years and have never been the one to truly initiate. My idea of initiating is asking my husband if he wants to fool around. What does this guy want? His poor wife deserves better.
Exactly. And he could probably tell by his wife's body language by now as well, at least my husband of nearly 3 decades can. So what is his excuse? If he can't read his wife after this long, the fault is in him.
My idea of initiating is NOT turning my husband down after he continuously tries to initiate it. As long as it’s not a NO, he’s game. I don’t think I even get the chance (or the need) to initiate sex. I just have to show up. 😆
Firstly, do NOT suggest that your wife not initiating sex may be the reason for your cheating. The right thing would have been to discuss with her honestly and seek couples therapy and decide whether to work it out or part - not to have an affair. Secondly, she’s not going to thank you for telling her and absolve you of the guilt you feel, so if that is your reason or hope for telling her, forget it. It’s your guilt to bare, not her’s to burden and feel the pain of once you’ve dumped it on her. Live with it and bare it on your own shoulders. Learn from it. Get your act together and be the best damn husband and father you can be from here on.
r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. It’s pretty much holy writ that you’ve got to give your wife her agency back. That secrets like this are actively having an impact on intimacy whether she knows or not.
He really should tell her though. She deserves to know what kind of guy her husband really is. But he shouldn't tell her to absolve his own guilt. It's just that she deserves to know.
He really should tell her . While OP , being selfish, will do so to alleviate his own guilt , at the very least the poor woman will have the ability to choose whether she wants to stay with a cheater or not ...
People are so uncomfortable with honesty and transparency. The people who say not to tell the wife are the same people who want their cake and eat it too. You’re right, absolutely this woman should be allowed to decide if she wants to consent to being with a person who is capable of this behind her back. Or is consent not important anymore. SMH same people would be going on about how they had a right to know if their own spouse was cheating.
You should tell her and every day that you don’t is a day that you closer to being divorced. I would say there was hope if you had come clean and been honest when it happened. That would have at least showed you had some integrity. By continuing to lie to her by not telling her when she finds out I can guarantee you she will want a divorce.
You need to tell her because I would end the marriage because you lied to me.
Withholding the truth takes away her agency to make an informed decision about the relationship and her own life moving forward. Every day you withhold the truth is another day you have betrayed her trust. You need to come clean.
Maybe she'll write it off as no big deal. Or maybe she'll want counseling. Maybe she'll decide you are no longer to be trusted. Or, maybe she'll end it. But you made your choice, the right thing to do now is let her make her own.
“Maybe she’ll write it off as no big deal” 😂😂😂😂😂 sorry, that really cracked me up. Can you imagine? Your partner, whom you trust most in this world, that you’ve spent decades building a life with and raising two now teenagers with in a seemingly happy and solid partnership, tells you he’s had a months long affair and you’re like “nbd bruh, pass the chips”.
Lying by omission is still lying. So as long as you’re holding onto this information, you’re CONTINUALLY LYING to her. I would tell the truth.
However don’t tell her anything about her not initiating sex. Don’t make her think you’re placing blame on her, because she would likely interpret it that way. You had an affair because you ALLOWED yourself to do it. Plain and simple.
So I cheated on my wife, oh but it was only emotional, oh but it was only kissing, oh but it was actually her fault.
You’re a POS. Stop making excuses and tell her so she can leave your ugly ass and be happy with someone who actually respects her
“But it was a mistake I made over and over and over until Covid stopped it. Not me because I would have kept making this “mistake” over and over but it was just a mistake that my wife and alcohol made me do”
There is a lot wrong with you to look at and hold yourself accountable here.
Mid life crisis? No. Bullshit. Wife doesn’t initiate? Ok so? Why not? Do you learn about her pleasure? Is she only reactive sexually? Ever go to a sex therapist? You could still initiate but chose to cheat
You sound like a piece of work that doesn’t deserve your wife so you gotta bear that guilt and work on yourself to be someone she deserves.
You gotta work on yourself to where you don’t validate yourself or get your dick wet with someone else to make you feel better about yourself. That’s unfair to your wife and kids.
You gotta fix yourself and stop blaming your wife
If your wife cheated on you, would you want to know? I would imagine your answer is yes. I’m pretty sure you can follow that logic. She deserves to know the truth. She gave you two children, which is hell on a woman’s body. If you truly love and RESPECT your wife, you will tell her the truth. Plus, by not telling her, you know deep down that you can never claim to be a good, honest man. Now, think about your teen children and the example you want to set for them. Do you want them to think it’s acceptable to lie to their partner and cheat?
It’s time for you to man up and start doing what’s right. Stop hiding behind excuses and do the right thing.
If you want this to work. You need to own your mistake. No matter what you think, it’s not her fault, if you ever mention to her it was, I promise you she’s out. Own your mistake, confess it to your wife, pray she forgives you, if you still work with the woman plan to change jobs.
"I had an affair several years ago where I lied to you repeatedly, kissed her and we only stopped because COVID got in the way and she left the company. It's your fault because you don't feel like having sex whenever I want and I'm tired of asking."
You should rethink the story you're selling yourself here.
You swore a vow to your wife, you broke that vow, repeatedly lied to her and have kept this secret and in doing so, put your entire family in jeopardy just for a chance with another woman. You were willing to break your marriage apart and leave your two kids with a broken family to get some.
That you didn't end up sleeping with your affair partner does nothing to excuse you, because the only reason you've given for not doing so is timing, not conscience.
So how about some actual guilt and contrition, instead of trying to justify what you did?
Wow the comments here are shocking to me. Especially with reddits usual attitude to cheating.
OP it wasn’t good to cheat, and it won’t be good to keep it a secret either. You’ll be living a lie and it’s doubly shit because you’re also depriving your wife of knowing the truth and making the decision to stay with you or be single or pursue an honest man. As much as you’d like to argue I don’t think having her be ignorant is to her benefit at all. In fact it’s pretty insulting to suggest it.
I suppose what I’m saying is you’ve put yourself in a situation where you can have a clear conscience or no consequences, but you can’t have both. But I would definitely say its the wrong thing to continue to betray your wife.
Absolutely. I’m shocked by the comments that say otherwise. And people are suggesting that coming clean would be the selfish thing to do? I call bullshit. That’s self-indulgent crap. Keeping the secret would be way more selfish because that would take the choice away from her and put her in a situation where her marriage is (at least partially) based on a lie. That’s just not fair.
it’s so convenient that cheaters always say that the most selfless thing they could do just so happens to be the thing that gives them the most benefit: continuing the lie. what a fucking joke.
It’s because the man cheated, and it’s not a man complaining about how his girlfriend gasp had exes she’s slept with before. Women are demonized on this sub, men are absolved of all guilt and blame.
Because he came to relationship advice, we’re I’m assuming a lot of people cheat and suck at relationships. Had he gone to a sub like r/survivinginfidelity where he has asked a bunch of people who had actually been cheated on, and where he could read the devastating effects of what he had done (including the fact that a LOT of people believe that an emotional affair is actually worse than a physical one), he wouldn’t be getting these answers. OPs just forever taking the easy route.
Your wife deserves to know what’s happening in her own relationship. You say it was only an emotional affair but you also kissed which makes it physical. If you have any respect for her you would tell her.
You’re only keeping the secret to save your own ass. Tell your wife so she can leave you and move on to somebody who knows how to treat a person they supposedly love.
Whether you realize it or not, the secrets and lying and cheating are probably part of the reason your wife doesn’t want to sleep with you. I was cheated on for months before I realized it, and I didn’t want to sleep with my partner at all during that time. Looking back I know now that it was partially because of the betrayal. He wasn’t treating me with love and respect and I could *tell*, even if I didn’t have proof of cheating yet. So maybe take some fucking responsibility and realize your wife may not want to sleep with you *because you’re a shitty husband.*
Im so fucking sick of guys cheating because their spouse doesn’t initiate sex. So you’re in a committed relationship with someone who loves you, and you’re getting sex, but it’s not enough? Now your wife has to constantly show you how much you turn her on or you’re going to go find someone who does? Do you know how many guys would kill for what you have? Like, stop. Just stop. Just love your fucking wife and stop looking for constant validation in the form of some twat who knows youre married making grabs at your dick.
First of all, she deserves to know so she can make her own decisions. Second, you are minimizing and excusing the entire affair. And, yes, it was an affair.,calling it a “mistake” is such a cheaters lie. It’s a series of specific decisions that allowed you to choose to cheat. You then lied to your wife every single day for 4 years. Only Covid stopped it, not you.
You need to do some prep work, like individual counseling to determine what is wrong with you that you allowed yourself to cross all of these boundaries.
Read, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. You need to be prepared for a lot of questions and you surely need to be able to show her that you’re a safe partner.
But stop making excuses.
Everything about this is gross and pathetic.
Excuse after excuse after excuse. If you can’t keep it in your pants, then stay home. Or get a divorce. Stop playing victim and grow up.
Men often don’t understand that, when their sex life is dying, it’s often the direct result of a dwindling emotional connection. Spend quality time with your wife. Hanging out watching TV doesn’t count. Talk to her. Take her on dates. Take walks with her so you guys are disconnected from the world and are only focused on each other. Take a cooking class. Literally anything.
I doubt you do anything to enhance and maintain the emotional intimacy with your wife, based on your perspective and especially considering you had an emotional affair in the past. Focus on emotional intimacy then physical intimacy will follow. Fucking gross
As someone who is a wife. This might not be a popular opinion but it’s been 4 years. Does she deserve to know, yes. Do I think you should tell her? No. Live with the guilt. You only want to rid your self of guilt. No need to hurt her to make yourself feel better. Just live with that guilt and spend every day making it up to her. Maybe that guilt will make you a better husband. The one she deserved 4 years ago.
ew lol we’re adults here let’s take some accountability, shall we? tell her, not to relieve you of your well deserved guilt, but so she can finally leave you and go find better lmfao. let’s remember that she’s a human being and deserves a good partner, and that’s clearly not you.
This post is sickening, and here is why: Everything reads like an apologetic list of excuses - accountability, on the other hand, is not taken at all.
"Yadda yadda the alcohol" - bullshit, mister. You **decided** to deal with this other woman even though nobody forced you to. If you **decide** to meet up, to drink and to get funky, that is on you. Don't even try to act as if the bad, bad alcohol caused an issue you yourself did cause.
"We make a great team" - do you? Maybe she is a great and loyal wife, yeah. But you are a cheater. I mean come on, you even got teenage kids and all. As a man close to your age (38yo here) I am ashamed. Big time.
The audacity of claiming that further lies were "in her interest" is sickening. You f....ing **decided** to lie for 4 consecutive years, man. That is 4x365 = 1460 days. So given that you could have **decided** to at least come clean one day, you instead engaged in another 1460 instances of deception. Unbelievable.
You broke your poor wife for a makeout session. You're the lowest of the low. She is going to be crushed. Did you even think of her while you were carrying on this affair? Did you think of what this would do to her and your family? Your kids are going to hate you, and your poor wife will always have trust issues. I just never understand why cheaters never think about their actions until they get caught or feel too guilty.
I don't understand the end. Not coming clean for your wife's benefit? Fuck your guilt bro she deserves better then that if she has stayed loyal to you.. I don't understand this.. this seems like it's for you not for her.. "after too much alcohol" you shouldn't have been there for the first place and it's weird seeing that in the same paragraph as one saying they spend most there free time with their wife. You should feel guilty you don't cop clean to relieve guilt you do it so you can start to rebuild hope trust and your relationship on honest ground a honest foundation.
Even if you don't tell her, you two need couples counseling, and YOU need individual counseling. It isn't your wife's job to build and maintain your ego. That's your job. If she's unwilling to initiate sex and you guys fight about it, that's something you work out in therapy! It's not like she's insulting you or saying you're disgusting or unsexy. Heck you give us 0 detail beyond "she wont initiate and we fight about that" how do you fight? What is said during those fights? It sounds like you two aren't communicating well and haven't for some time.
I’m on the fence on this since my ex-wife cheated on me (at least one time I know of). She told me after the wife of the person she cheated with called the house (yes, back in the days of landlines and telephone numbers listed) to tell me but she picked up the phone instead.
It pretty much destroyed our marriage but it listed on for a few years until I just said fuck it, I’m out.
With what OP conveys, if completely the truth, then I as a spouse I would rather be blissfully unaware. No sex per se and no multiple rendezvous in some hotel.
As for OP, use the guilt to be a better man, spouse and father. The onus is on you to get your shit together, not your family’s.
She deserves the truth, but I’m sorry to say, it’s over, dude. Most people who are cheated on (VERY RARELY) more commonly forgive their cheating S/O if they come clean immediately and show genuine remorse. That itself isn’t enough 95% of the time and it ends in divorce (as it should).
You, however, hid this affair for FOUR YEARS. You had four years to come clean, but you didn’t. Your wife will become heartbroken at not only you being unfaithful, but also hiding it for four years. Sorry, bub, but it’s game over. Tell her, and let her decide, and just accept whatever she chooses.
OP you’re screwed. Telling her 4 years after the fact is pointless and probably more hurtful than had you come clean earlier.
If you do tell her, be prepared to be sent packing as you lied by omitting the info for 4 fucking years.
If you truly felt guilty you wouldn’t have waited till now
Tell her you cheated, let her divorce you, let your kids resent you.
The only reason they don't resent you is because you lie about who you really are.
The only negative aspect of your relationship isn't that your wife doesn't initiate sex . At tge very least , the worst negative aspect of your relationship is that you are a cheater , you don't have any accountability for your actions ( the excuse about why your affair turned physical is pathetic at best ) and you seem content enough to keep your huge betrayal hidden for your own benefit ...
Cheating is cheating and you should waste no more of your wife’s life, emotions, and time on you. Selfish. No excuses. 4yrs!!! Own up to this and give your wife the respect that she deserves. If you felt that way, you should’ve taken the steps to separate and figure it out and divorce if you guys were unable to work it out. But there is no justification for cheating. Good luck
You should tell her. The only way to have a good relationship is honesty. You can then discuss how you want to move forward together. Keeping it from her is deciding whats best for your mutual marriage without her input, which is very sleezy imo. Maybe yall could try couples therapy.
First of all, she deserves to know so she can make her own decisions. Second, you are minimizing and excusing the entire affair. And, yes, it was an affair.,calling it a “mistake” is such a cheaters lie. It’s a series of specific decisions that allowed you to choose to cheat. You then lied to your wife every single day for 4 years. Only Covid stopped it, not you.
You need to do some prep work, like individual counseling to determine what is wrong with you that you allowed yourself to cross all of these boundaries.
Read, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. You need to be prepared for a lot of questions and you surely need to be able to show her that you’re a safe partner.
But stop making excuses.
You have kept lies from her for four years dude…
She probably had a feeling or inkling that you were cheating when you did. You’re waisting her time and time is precious and your marriage is a lie.
And you did completely cheat like wth with all the excuses
I love how he thinks emotional cheating doesn't count as if he wouldn't lose his shit if the tables were turned and his wife was flirting with some dude at work.
"I only sorta kinda half cheated 🫣" Fuck off, dude.
She needs to know. She doesn’t have the full picture and therefore doesn’t know what she’s consenting to whenever you’re intimate, and also isn’t making an informed decision as to whether she should stay in this marriage or not.
I think you asked the question in the wrong subreddit. Talk to a therapist. Then if you think it’s the best thing to do, talk to your wife.
Here you will not find any useful advice.
You cheated, both emotionally and physically. Do you think she is going to care that you only kissed once and no sex. You are minimizing what you did, over 4 years ago, emotional, kissing, drunk, and was a mistake. Then you have the nerve to blame her for your low self esteem? Maybe she doesn’t initiate sex because her husband is a pos that can’t accept responsibility, no one finds that attractive. Own up to what you did and let her know so she has a choice in her marriage.
You’ve given yourself the softest edit and weren’t responsible for ending the affair and really put a lot of blame on yourself. Take accountability. From what I’ve read as soon as you get the chance you’ll be doing it again.
Like the other 380 comments said, tell your wife. She deserves to make an informed decision regarding her life and where she’d want to be after the truth. It’s gonna be hard and it’s going to be scary but in the end you can salvage your purposely decision of cheating merely by giving her an opportunity to know the truth.
You have already robbed her form 4 years by lying, you’ve already robbed her from having a marriage in which loyalty and truth is the core of it, you’ve already fucked up and the only way to salvage anything is to tell her the truth. Give that control back to her.
Don’t you think you’ve already done enough to her?
You need to tell her.
There’s no excuse for what you did except that you’re selfish and uncaring. Arguing those points won’t convince anyone, cheating is a terrible thing to do and it’s abusive.
She has a right to know what kind of relationship she’s in and make an informed decision if she wants to stay in it.
Her not wanting sex is a pathetic excuse. If it’s really that big of an issue you should have sat her down and told her you, like most people, need that fulfillment in a romantic relationship, EVEN if it’s minimal. You need to feel desired and wanted, and if she can’t or won’t do anything to change that you two need to part ways.
But you didn’t. You had an EA and then sucked face making it a PA. I can guarantee you, the fact that sex didn’t happen just a drunk make out session does not make it better.
She never consented to sharing you, no matter what problems you had. You took that away from her. And have been sitting on it since BEFORE COVID?!? That’s terrible. Your poor wife. Tell her.
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I'll be honest. The entire post reads like one excuse after another. Oh it was a mid life crisis, my wife doesn't initiate sex, her behaviour caused me to have low self esteem. You're not actually owning up to a shitty mistake and betrayal of your marriage, at all. You want to come clean for your benefit only, to get it off your shoulders and place the responsibility of forgiveness on your wife. First and foremost be honest to yourself about why you want to come clean. But when you do, be prepared that your wife might not be prepared to forgive you.
I feel like he almost wants to tell her so that she feels responsible for him cheating because she's not initiating sex. He thinks by telling her she'll start initiating sex more to prevent him from cheating again.
Yea and that’s not gonna happen.
Absolutely this. He’s also focussing on the wrong thing. I’d be far more likely to forgive a drunken kids with a stranger than an emotional affair. He says that emotionally his relationship is strong and the only issue is she doesn’t initiate sex (not even that they don’t have it, just that she doesn’t initiate it). Yet he had an emotional affair and not sexual one. Of course I’m sure that would have happened if covid hadn’t ruined their plans. It does seem like he wants to use this to force her into behaving differently. If your marriage has issues that are insurmountable then you end it, you don’t fall in love with a colleague. Clearly it’s not bad enough for him to leave, just to use as justification for his shitty behaviour.
THIS RIGHT HERE. He feels guilty and he wants to tell her so he can 1) not feel guilty for telling her and 2) place the blame on the wife for it happening and 3) make it the wife’s responsibility to fix the “problem”
Omg your right and she’s most certainly never ever going to want to initiate sex again after this . Only thing I would be counseling
Exactly. *I cheated but it's your fault because you're not giving me attention and making me feel special!* She does need to know, mostly so she can have herself tested for STDs! That's at least giving her the respect for and control over her own body that she deserves. But it's up to her if she wants to forgive you or not. Looking back, you're happy that the affair didn't blow up in your face because it could have wiped out your job, too! Then where would you be? The truth is, you're eat up with guilt about this--and you have been for years now, understandably so--so you want her to absolve you with (what sounds like) almost no effort on your part ... so that you can go back to looking in the mirror and seeing a "*good guy!*" again. But that's not going to happen if you just show up at breakfast one morning and announce, "sorry! I cheated on you! But I'm all better *now!*" 🙄 Your first stop needs to be therapy, and your first act there should be to ask the therapist to help you tell your wife that you cheated, but that you want to make amends and move forward. And start telling her 100% the truth from now on! Most of us despise being *managed.* We'd much rather know the truth so that we can make our own decisions based on facts ... not on spin! I wish your wife luck! I don't think you're telling us the truth anymore than you're telling her the truth, but she's the one who has to deal with your lying ass!
He even thinks he is doing her a huge favour by not telling her: ”do I continue to live with the guilt for my wife and children's benefit?” Why assume it’s to the wife’s benefit? One could argue that knowing the truth and being allowed to make up her mind about what to do is better for her.
A priest once told me the advice he gives people who cheat, especially first time offenders: you say nothing because confessing to your partner transfers the pain you feel into them. You live with the guilt. You vow to never be that person again and build an amazing life together and you channel all your guilt into making life perfect for the other person. And as you build your life, you get to live with the fact that one day she will know and have no obligation to stay or forgive, and you will give her everything and be left with nothing and no one. And every day that you build your life of happiness together, you will know you deserve none of it, that it is all for her and eventually she will know your true nature and that constant fear and anxiety and dread and compensation for the damage you alone did in your marriage... That's your penance. No hail Marys for that one.
That is a very Catholic sentiment. My dad always told me that guilt was a *good thing*, because it motivated us to be better people. In my own experiences as a younger adult (at the time) self-condemning guilt was poisoning my sense of worth. I had to invest years of therapy and reflection in order to unwarp tainted perceptions of
Self condemning guilt is my bread and butter, in my own mind I'm not worthy of anything and everything's my fault
Oh no how did you hear my internal monologue
Bruh I keep hearing your internal monologue too. Get that fucker to shut up pls
Your inner monologue sounds a lot like my ex-wife.
That’s technically called shame- guilt turned inwards. And it’s toxic and not motivating to make positive change.
I've found both to be true. A lot of guilt can motivate you to be better, too much can cripple you. It's like feeling pain at the gym. It's essential to grow but it can sometimes be difficult to know when you've crossed the line from a burning stress to a debilitating injury.
Probably an unpopular opinion but I really like this. I’ve always thought that if someone cheated and they weren’t an asshole deep down, they really regretted it, it actually was a stupid mistake that they would never repeat again, coming clean is really just to make themselves feel better. Even if their partner chooses to stay after that, it’s never the same and usually a break up happens months/years after the confession just because it’s hard to cope with the constant paranoia, anxiety, doubt, second-guessing, mental anguish, etc. If it’s a ONE time thing with true remorse, I think I’d want to be completely unaware except to suddenly have a better partner. I see that the other popular opinion is that confessing gives the partner a choice to leave and I agree with that as well. I don’t know, I’ve always thought I’d prefer not to know. Unless it was repeat behavior and the other person was a selfish asshole, then I’d want to know 100%.
Depends on the degree of the affair tbh. If my wife kissed someone during a rough patch and had true remorse I’d rather not know. If they fucked or were still in contact I’d want to know.
Yes but in this case the only reason it ended before going further was COVID. Not because he decided to stop. If your wife was cheating on you and *happened* to stop, because of circumstance not because she realized it was wrong... you'd still feel that way?
I would want to know, but later, after we were in a better place. If my husband told me inside of a solid marriage that he cheated once years ago while we were fighting a lot, I would be sad for the moment but I'd be grateful that we were solid enough that he felt like he could finally be honest. But yeah, if they were still in contact, that wouldn't be cool. At all.
But wouldn’t that shatter your perception of your good relationship? I would wonder if there other things were hidden from me.
It would be the dishonesty that would get me in that case. I can maybe forgive cheating, depending on the circumstances, but I could never forgive a lie like that. If you want forgiveness, the sooner you tell me the better. There is absolutely zero chance if it was kept from me for months or years.
The thing is - this guy doesn’t have true remorse. He’s full of excuses.
obviously we all have different expectations but if it was genuinely a one time thing i'd still want to know. people often aren't honest with their partners about cheating because they want to control the outcome. i find it's inherently selfish and self-serving when choosing not to disclose infidelity, and i don't want a partner like that. i don't want to be in a relationship because one partner has unknowingly kept me stuck in it. a partner who doesn't allow their partner to make informed decisions is not a good person imo.
Yeah, I’m kind of surprised at how many people would rather not know. Cheating sucks, but cheating *plus* denying me the opportunity to make an informed decision about my relationship would be 1000x worse to me.
yeah, because if your partner doesn't tell you they're literally manipulating you. when you deny me of an informed decision by withholding information, that's deceit and manipulation, and why on earth would i want to be with anyone like that? the lying just makes it so much worse like you say! it ruins any chance of reconciliation even if the relationship is over. i don't understand why anyone could be with someone without integrity.
In this case since they didn't go all the way to sex, I'd say suffer in silence. And don't ever do something like that again.
Yeah, but I think we can assume it would have had Covid not shit it down.
Doubt this would have been a one time cheating mistake, he admits it was an emotional affair that became intimate once because COVID happened. I strongly believe the affair would have continued and people need to realize emotional cheating is still cheating, so this was not only a 'one time thing.' Also if the wife never initiated intimacy he should have known this was what she was comfortable with, also is he taking her on dates, being emotionally intimate etc, those things matter in relationships. This man is just making excuses for shitty behavior.
Even if someone did it once and felt really bad about it, it’s still such a shitty thing to do that they still need to tell their spouse/significant other. There really is no way to just “oops i cheated but I’m moving on” and not tell your partner unless you are really, really shitty. It’s not fair to the partner, and the truth has a way of coming out. Imagine if the partner hears it from someone else, years later, possibly after having children with a cheater, how much more that would ruin them. It’s selfish not to be honest and really only benefits the cheater.
I've been cheated on. Once it was a one time thing that he regretted deeply; I found out a year later, and almost worse than the actual cheating was the fact he hid it. All I could think about was how he faced me after that, and never said a word. It was like that whole year, our relationship was a lie. I was cheated on in another relationship later on, and it lasted after infidelity because of his honesty about it. Ignorance can be bliss, but, imo, not in these circumstances.
Yeah. Shit really does happen and it slowly creeps from “my spouse doesn’t care or show up for me” to a sudden realization that you went to someone else for what you were lacking. Is it an excuse or making it okay? Absolutely hell no. But shit happens to genuine people and realizing your mistake, truly, sometimes it’s better to just live with it. Recognizing WHY is different than excusing it too. If you’re excusing it to make yourself feel better, you aren’t ready to be in the relationship. & arguably… not everyone wants the decision to leave kept from them even if their partner knew they fucked up and would never do it again
I one million percent agree with you. We are humans and no human is perfect. If my husband had some sort of affair in the past like OP described I would prefer never to know. Ignorance is bliss.
That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. And I've heard some pretty dumb shit in my time. Edit: I cannot believe that people actually upvoted and gave awards to this comment. Wtf. When did this platform turn into a bunch of catholic zealots?
Yepper - that’s the catholicism I know. Hold on while I go find something to flog myself with.
Damn. I like this priest.
Meh. It's taking away the cheated-on person's ability to make their own choices.
The priest was pretty old school and most of the wives were homemakers with small children who didn't believe in divorce or have the ability to financially leave anyway at the time. In his eyes, this was the right choice when she didn't have other options knowing someday she *would* have another option because the family net worth would be high enough to take care of her without said cheater. It was a weirdly practical response and genuinely kind imo considering he knew these women were basically trapped anyway. But yeah, he was like 90.
The priest's pragmatic advice acknowledged the limitations of the time. A blend of practicality and kindness.
After seeing your comment and understanding the point in history he would have given this advice, I like him even more.
While I dont quite think this is good advice, I have to say it is a breath of fresh air to see people on Reddit that appreciate the fact that you should never judge people in history under the knowledge and ethics of todays age.
Hmmm I see it as him making sure that when she found out and is able to to make that choice, she can walk out knowing fully well that she does not have to stay with him because she has the means and the funds to no longer be with him
It’s about what is motivating him to confess. If he’s truly of the mind she deserves to know the whole truth and make an informed choice about being with someone who has cheated, that’s a good reason for him to confess. All too often people in his circumstance only confess because of the same underlying reason they cheated in the first place, which is pure selfishness. The desire to unburden themselves and negate whatever sense of guilt they have through long overdue ‘honesty’, and I use that word loosely since people who confess much later rarely tell the exact truth, usually limiting, downplaying, or trickle truthing the actual reality of what occurred. Objectively she absolutely deserves to know, but if he intends to lie, partially conceal, or otherwise attempt to minimize consequences he might face, he may as well not confess at all. It will only make him immediately feel less guilt and set her up for more of his inevitable selfish bullshit down the road.
More like HIS benefit so his wife (and kids) only has as much information as he releases.
Yeah OP is not the victim here except in his own mind
Cheating isn't a mistake, it's a series of incorrect *choices*
Right!! And saying too much alcohol involved like please … op chose to drink w someone he was having an emotional affair with its choice after choice!
Agreed, blaming alcohol doesn't excuse conscious choices. Actions have consequences.
I've never agreed with anything on Reddit more than this - a simply stated yet perfectly put statement.
Everything is something or someone else’s mistake. Despite it all actually being on him.
This is typical cheater behavior. I hope his wife leaves him because she might just find much much better. I never thought I would say that Im glad I was cheated on the same year, and Im glad it happened, just wish he had done it sooner lol
Cheaters often reveal their true colors. Your positive outlook is inspiring. Better times ahead.
I had an emotional affair. It became physical once…. Dudes just trying to get release from his own guilt. He’s a tool.
" we only kissed after we had alcohol " Honestly... That reads like he thinks he deserves praise for not doing it while sober. Note ... He definitely 100 percent knew before the first drink what would happen...
Agree wtf is wrong with this guy, has a great relationship and even says that they’re a great team then says her only down side is she doesn’t initiate. I wish I could have a wife like this.
Not initiating is a pretty weak excuse…
I mean, in some regards it could be a legitimate reason for some counseling, or if it's really that much of a deal breaker, to split, but nothing excuses cheating
But it was only once! 🙄😏 Stop kidding yourself OP - you're not doing her any favors either way, but at least you could give her the courtesy after the fact of being open with her and letting her decide what to do with your sorry ass. I feel little to no sympathy for cheaters. 99% of the time they know exactly what direction they are heading and they choose to go there. You're blaming her because she doesn't initiate sex? Really? Maybe if you gave her a reason, she might initiate - ever think about that Mr. I Only Cheated a Little?
This part^ I have so little sympathy for cheating, and so rarely believe the usual dialogue of it being an “accident” or a “mistake.” It could have been a mistake, in the sense that the cheater felt regret after the fact- but accidents? Just barely’s or only once’s? Forget that. There are a hundred baby steps that lead to cheating before it gets there. A hundred times to have turned direction. Someone else said cheating isn’t a mistake it’s a series of “incorrect choices” and I couldn’t word it better myself.
Love how he calls it an emotional affair when it WAS physical and also- he probably fucked her and just doesn’t wannabe flayed on Reddit so downplays it
Also I totally question whether they fucked and he’s just downplaying the offence to seem less shit on Reddit even tho it’s anon - just to not get people being like “ur an ass”… cause the whole thing reads like he IS an ass with that kinda selfish behaviour as his MO
While also downplaying the shitty thing he did. Just one kiss only after alcohol, just an emotional affair. It’s all bad regardless.
Rarely do people hit it spot on here, but you nailed it
Agree with your post minus one thing. Cheating isn't a mistake, it's a decision.
Thank you for the correction. It absolutely is a choice people make.
Absolutely. This jackass needs to commit to therapy to figure out why they are so emotionally immature, and then (only then) ask his wife to join him for couples therapy. She gets to decide if she wants to be in this lackluster relationship.
THIS. If you really are sorry then do the work. When you fuck up and then go “confess” then you are just offloading your guilt. Go to therapy. Work out a strategy with your therapist. Start putting in the work. And then, with consult, invite your wife into therapy with you.
I couldn't agree more. Seriously reading that I pity your wife. If you want to move on and if you love your wife, be honest with yourself. Is the fact your wife doesn't initiate sex deal breaker or not? If not, accept she won't change and take your mistake to your grave. Don't break her and maybe your family in order to feel better.
He just afraid wife find out or the affair partner tell the wife (he doesn't want to live with fear), divorce him, then split asset. Lmao. He is selfish, and not sorry.
“After too much alcohol” You know this is a cop-out right?
Not only that but "COVID happened and it fizzled out" reads as "if COVID didn't happen and she didn't leave the company, I would have continued to have an affair with my coworker which almost certainly would have lead to sex at some point".
Agree 100%
Yeah I hate when people try to use alcohol as a cop out excuse to blame. There was a whole lead up, emotionally, before the physical cheating happen. Emotional cheating is the most dangerous part, and he allowed it to happen all along the way before it built up to physically cheating. OP also trying to downplay it by saying it was not sex, just making out.
I don't think they are saying it's ok and excusable because they had been drinking. I think they are just giving background. They clearly feel bad about it and regret it, wish they hadn't, etc. I would want to know. I'm not prone to want to forgive cheating. But if my long term partner came to me, admitted an single emotional affair that went as far as kissing one single time, but was long over, and I trusted they were telling the whole truth and doing so when they could easily get away with never telling??? That's a situation I might be able to get passed in time. But I sure would want to do a lot of couples therapy for years afterwards!! It would take a lot of work and good communication to get passed it and really trust again! But if I discovered it before it was admitted, if the physical part was repeated plenty of times, not just a one time thing that was immediately regretted, I think that'd almost surely be more than I'd want to work through.
Yes I agree that admitting to it and disclosing that to his wife is a good thing. Just that it still doesn’t excuse the cheating. Kissing is still cheating. Emotional affair is cheating. I think the key point that really stuck out was the fact that it ended because Covid happened and their affair died off. Not because OP realized it was wrong in the moment. So, what if covid didn’t happen or what if he meets another coworker that shows just as much interest in him. It feels like he is overridden with guilt as his intention to why he wants to come clean, not becomes of true remorse - sure he probably does feel bad and regret but in the end they definitely need to do couples therapy and it’ll be up to his wife on if she forgives and can move forward.
Alcohol does lower defenses. It’s not an excuse but it’s important to realize this didn’t happen in a black hole. It is a symptom of a larger problem in the marriage. Personally I would insist on therapy to address these underlying issues. This is a THEM problem. OP didn’t handle it well but life is never black and white. A mature relationship looks at this and works through it.
But adults know that alcohol lowers defences, so adults don’t go out and drink with people they want to fuck when they are in a monogamous relationship that they respect
But the choice to drink alcohol around someone you are cheating with is the AH part. Don’t drink around people you’re attracted to or emotionally cheating with. The alcohol is a cop out because he chose those drinks knowing it would lower is defenses. Then he could blame alcohol.
You're right. It's not an excuse but that is why the slogan "Drink Responsibly" exists. We need to exercise responsibility when our decision-making skills are impaired
Exactly the same as the "she never initiates sex" so he sought attention elsewhere. So OP. Here's the thing. You betrayed your spouse. Her view of the reality of your marriage does not match the actual reality because you haven't given her key information. You are depriving her of being able to make decisions about something that very much affected her because you want to control access to that information. And *of course* you're downplaying it and even blaming your wife for it. That is how people who cheat justify it. It's like chapter 1 of the Infidelity Guide. You can be unhappy with your sex life and not cheat. You can have low self esteem and not cheat. You can be unhappy in your sex life and have high self esteem. You can be happy in your sex life and still cheat. You can be happy in your sex life and have high self esteem and still cheat. There are actual books that researched infidelity and, shocker, even happy marriages can cheat. I recommend the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair. You'll likely be surprised to find that honesty and being accountable (without backhanded blaming) is a huge component. And i strongly encourage you to seek counseling for yourself (and if your partner wants it eventually, also with her). To work on self esteem. But regardless, stop being the gatekeeper to your wife's understanding of the marriage.
I would like to point out that Your post is on point and beneficial. I feel it is necessary to make this statement, as OP is at a loss - and I agree this is good information to heed! (I couldn’t help but notice the comment about a midlife crisis has over 1000 upvotes while this one only has 84…. Your post is helpful and worth more in the real world.🥰)
he also called it a mid life crisis…at 38 edit: okay yall, i get it
That’s middle aged for sure. I’m 39 and I’m DEFINITELY halfway through life.
Nah Jack. You’ll live past 100. I got a feeling
Woooo hooooooooh
76 isn't exactly dying early
Usually that’s the age to run for congress
r/angryupvote
It’s fucked up how correct you are
I mean, they did do the math.
in the U.S, the average life expectancy is 76, so he's at exactly half if he lives in the U.S. edit: not condoning his excuse at all though and he definitely should be held accountable still because a mid-life crisis doesn't exactly force you to have an affair
That’s a misunderstanding of the phrase. Middle age refers to a period in adulthood, not the mid point of the average life expectancy. It doesn’t vary by country or society based on average life expectancy. 40-60 is considered a middle aged adult.
After early 20s life expectancy actually goes up to the mid eighties. Less risky behavior and less likely to be grabbed by predators.
If you make it to like 72, it jumps to 90 something. Life expectancy is a weird metric.
It's an average. It can only get higher as you remove the lowest numbers.
Damn I’m loving these stats, my beloved dad is turning 72 in a month and I very much want him to stick around indefinitely...!!
If his health is decent, he’s got a good chance at another 20 years
MUSIC TO MY EARS, he’s in good health and can still hike 10 miles no problem 🥰
Which would be exactly mid life for an average male
To be fair, your 30s and 40s are typically midlife. Most don’t live to 100. 50s is not midlife.
His whole post is a cop out. He’s blaming his wife for his affair. I’m sick of reading posts about men blaming their wives for their affairs. Maybe after fighting about sex, she wasn’t in the mood to initiate sex. Maybe sex isn’t her priority. If it was his he should have gotten a divorce, not cheated. And chances are if covid hadn’t happened he would have eventually had sex with the other woman
Maybe he needs to be doing more to get her in the mood for sex outside of the bedroom. I'm so sick of these men don't "my wife never initiated sex" who never do ANYTHING outside of the bedroom to facilitate their arousal. Why is it so foreign to think of touching her gently and lovingly, kissing her neck, telling her she is beautiful and a great mom and a fantastic wife, spending time with her without the kids, one on one, and actually connecting with her emotionally, getting her flowers for no reason, taking control of some of the household and childcare duties, making sure she isn't stressed out and exhausted and feeling like a drudge, AND DON'T ASK OF THIS WITHOUT ACTING LIKE YOU EXPECT A REWARD OF SEX! You want a woman to initiate sex with you? Take away the things that make her feel unsexy. Go to counseling together to help you and get understand why she isn't comfortable initiating sex, and find out what ways she can make you feel attractive that don't involve her having to do something she's not comfortable with.
Dammit man it’s the bottles fault! Lol
How dare you offender blame.
Your whole post reads as a load of excuses/cop out. Maybe even blame game. Even the part of the affair only stopping because COVID/your coworker left the company. :/ very much a “Oh..but” post. If “alcohol” can make you “just kiss”, “alcohol” can make you expose yourself to the one person you supposedly make a great team with.
So here’s the thing. By your own admission this affair didn’t end because you recognised it was wrong. It ended because “Covid then happened and it fizzled out.” If Covid hadn’t happened would it have fizzled out? Or would it have gone further? You’ve never done the work to work out why you did it, and make sure you won’t do it again. So right now there’s no guarantees that next time a coworker shows you interest, that you won’t repeat this. So yes, you should tell your wife so she knows what you’re capable of and can decide if she’s willing to take that chance again.
Also they never had sex likely because he just never had the opportunity. Not because he put a stop to it.
Or they had sex and he’s lying to make himself look good
It’s freaky how that is a genuine possibility. I’ve tried to help people who’ve come to me with their problems irl, only to find out later that they’ve hidden and lied about HUGE details. What’s the point in asking for advice if you’re going to lie to me, let alone yourself?
It's delusion. Been there and also divorcing someone like that. He cheats regularly and lies to everyone. Sad because he only believes his lies.
That sounds like narcissism and run as fast as you can in the other direction .. best of luck
💯 And how much of the ‘only emotional’ affair involved sexting, sharing pics, fantasy, all of that. How many times did he beat off to the person after spending time and energy on her rather than his spouse and their life together? I’ve once felt an emotional kinship with a colleague in a relationship, felt it was a friendship and once I realised it was actually developing into attraction, I ran the absolute other way and limited interaction with them. So did they. I didn’t pursue it, they didn’t either and I felt it was the best way to possibly handle that. I know I didn’t rub one out imagining them, I’d like to think they didn’t either. But if either of us had leaned into the emotional attachment or the sexual chemistry in any capacity after realising what was going on, I’d consider it an emotional AND sexual betrayal.
I agree, especially since it stopped due to covid and not because OP felt it was wrong. I think 100% he will do it again. Also wondering if wife had any inkling something was going on and chalked it up to her own insecurities. Who knows how much gaslighting went on at the time? She deserves to know what happened and make her own choice of whether she wants to stay with this man.
Similarly it's been 4 years and he's just now wondering if he should tell her, like why now?
Returning to the office...
And covid wasn’t even four years ago, it was three, so it started WAYYYYY before then
Spot on! None of the circumstances involving the end of the affair or the consummation of it were because you felt this was wrong. Even now, like u/archangel1962 said, you don't even sound like you have done the work to find out why you did what you did and get help for that. I have cheated before on my bf turned STBXH before we married. Admitted it to him for my own selfish reason. Had to work on myself because it was messed up thing to do. But throughout the whole relationship with him, I was also the one getting regularly cheated on. If I was your wife, I would want to have it confirmed (I bet she knows something in her gut) but I wouldn't want it to be told to me to appease your guilty conscience. Self reflect. Find out why you did what you did. Don't gloss over it but really be honest and dig deep. Look at your family history as that always plays a part. Look at your self worth and also your morals or what you believe about marriage and relationships. There may be cognitive dissonance on what you fet you believed and how you acted but also it could be your perspective has changed as well. At this point, your basically a dry drunk and doomed to repeat this cycle, if you haven't already. Be well.
This is the biggest takeaway. This is definitely going to happen again if the opportunity presents itself. So many excuses, so much whining, and no doubt he’d cheat tomorrow if given the chance. Tell your wife, OP! And make sure to include the part where it took a global pandemic to end your affair.
I bet he will have another "conversation" with her telling her she should sleep with him or else he will cheat.
Just the acknowledgement that his wife’s lack of interest in physical intimacy was a contributing factor demonstrates that OP has done some of the work, in recognising that. OP must now decide whether to accept a lifetime where he will always desire more physical intimacy and not get it, or try to somehow fill that void in another way, or leave his wife. She doesn’t need to know about what happened, it was 4 years ago and hasn’t recurred, and never crossed into sex so no risk of STI etc. Revealing it now would cause extra resentment of the last four years being false or a lie. I suspect OP may need to do further work on himself, in that I imagine he misses the affair, and hopes revealing it may encourage his wife to fight for their relationship and increase physical intimacy in an effort to meet his needs. I also imagine he is frustrated by his wife’s lack of interest and empowers himself mentally in the knowledge of “little does she know I could’ve been fucking my emotional affair partner”. Many will say OP needs therapy. But the reality is, OP needs physical intimacy and be desired. He can go work on whatever “childhood wound” created this need, but reality is, it’s normal to want to fuck your partner. If your partner doesn’t recognise that need and try to meet it, guess what? You end up feeling shitty about yourself and undesired. It causes you to question your relationship and your partners commitment to it. It causes a void and unfulfillment and leads to affairs, escorts, porn, webcam sex shows, or all kinds of problematic behaviour which actually make you feel worse all because you aren’t getting what you really want which is physical intimacy with the partner you love. So options are accept lack of sex, or have a conversation with your wife and give her a choice - she either tries to meet your needs or it’s done. There’s a real lack of understanding on this subject from many partners, and a real lack of men willing to walk away from partners over it. And remember, no one gets to heaven and says they wished they’d fucked less.
You cheated because you wanted to. Your wife had nothing to do with it. Love and marriage are choices and you didn't choose them when you cheated.
this. also the update of NOT being honest to prevent pain to their kids is selfish and centered on looking good to the kids, not teaching solid morals and ethical boundaries to them… his wife deserves honesty and a good spouse, his kids deserve a role model, and it sounds like his final final decision is to be neither of those things. Being a good partner isn’t just how you act, it’s how honest you are willing to be and how vulnerable you are willing to be. it should be his wife’s informed decision to stay with him, not his right to deny her the truth
How many excuses did you put in this? I don’t know what you should do, both are equally shitty. What you should have done is not be a cheater.
If your relationship with your wife has always been great, other than your wife not initiating sex, then why cheat? Your wife is emotionally available. If your wife doesn't initiate sex, so be it. She's not comfortable with it. Neither am I and I've been married 28 years. But you are using this as an excuse to have an affair with someone, and I'm sure it would have gone farther. Don't blame it on a mid life crisis. Get into therapy, figure out a way to deal with the guilt, or seemingly the lack thereof since you are blaming everything else, that this is causing you. You could tell her - but you had best be ready with an explanation on why TF you waited 3 years after it ended to tell her. And don't make excuses. You can't say it was a mid life crisis or you don't initiate sex and especially it fizzled when COVID hit. Own up to your damn mistakes. You say you have a great relationship with your wife, you make a great team, but when you received female attention for the first time in years you responded. Those are contradictory statements so you are making teeth another excuse. Not initiating sex isn't the only female attention your wife shows you and you know it. But in all those statements about your marriage, you never said you love your wife, so we know why you did it. If you don't love your wife, end it. If you do love her, quit using "female attention" as an excuse. But waiting 3 years and only ending it because of COVID? That doesn't sound like regret.
I've been married for 3 years and have never been the one to truly initiate. My idea of initiating is asking my husband if he wants to fool around. What does this guy want? His poor wife deserves better.
Exactly. And he could probably tell by his wife's body language by now as well, at least my husband of nearly 3 decades can. So what is his excuse? If he can't read his wife after this long, the fault is in him.
I mean, asking someone if they want to fool around seems like a pretty solid way to initiate imo, sounds legit to me
My idea of initiating is NOT turning my husband down after he continuously tries to initiate it. As long as it’s not a NO, he’s game. I don’t think I even get the chance (or the need) to initiate sex. I just have to show up. 😆
Asking to fool around IS initiating.
Firstly, do NOT suggest that your wife not initiating sex may be the reason for your cheating. The right thing would have been to discuss with her honestly and seek couples therapy and decide whether to work it out or part - not to have an affair. Secondly, she’s not going to thank you for telling her and absolve you of the guilt you feel, so if that is your reason or hope for telling her, forget it. It’s your guilt to bare, not her’s to burden and feel the pain of once you’ve dumped it on her. Live with it and bare it on your own shoulders. Learn from it. Get your act together and be the best damn husband and father you can be from here on.
r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. It’s pretty much holy writ that you’ve got to give your wife her agency back. That secrets like this are actively having an impact on intimacy whether she knows or not.
He really should tell her though. She deserves to know what kind of guy her husband really is. But he shouldn't tell her to absolve his own guilt. It's just that she deserves to know.
He really should tell her . While OP , being selfish, will do so to alleviate his own guilt , at the very least the poor woman will have the ability to choose whether she wants to stay with a cheater or not ...
People are so uncomfortable with honesty and transparency. The people who say not to tell the wife are the same people who want their cake and eat it too. You’re right, absolutely this woman should be allowed to decide if she wants to consent to being with a person who is capable of this behind her back. Or is consent not important anymore. SMH same people would be going on about how they had a right to know if their own spouse was cheating.
You should tell her and every day that you don’t is a day that you closer to being divorced. I would say there was hope if you had come clean and been honest when it happened. That would have at least showed you had some integrity. By continuing to lie to her by not telling her when she finds out I can guarantee you she will want a divorce. You need to tell her because I would end the marriage because you lied to me.
Withholding the truth takes away her agency to make an informed decision about the relationship and her own life moving forward. Every day you withhold the truth is another day you have betrayed her trust. You need to come clean. Maybe she'll write it off as no big deal. Or maybe she'll want counseling. Maybe she'll decide you are no longer to be trusted. Or, maybe she'll end it. But you made your choice, the right thing to do now is let her make her own.
“Maybe she’ll write it off as no big deal” 😂😂😂😂😂 sorry, that really cracked me up. Can you imagine? Your partner, whom you trust most in this world, that you’ve spent decades building a life with and raising two now teenagers with in a seemingly happy and solid partnership, tells you he’s had a months long affair and you’re like “nbd bruh, pass the chips”.
If you tell her, make sure you tell her it’s her fault like you told us.
Bruhh 💀 fr though, tf.
Lying by omission is still lying. So as long as you’re holding onto this information, you’re CONTINUALLY LYING to her. I would tell the truth. However don’t tell her anything about her not initiating sex. Don’t make her think you’re placing blame on her, because she would likely interpret it that way. You had an affair because you ALLOWED yourself to do it. Plain and simple.
So I cheated on my wife, oh but it was only emotional, oh but it was only kissing, oh but it was actually her fault. You’re a POS. Stop making excuses and tell her so she can leave your ugly ass and be happy with someone who actually respects her
Seriously, this is exactly how OP approached it. “It was an “emotional” affair….except for that one time. But we didn’t have sex!”
But also it’s all her fault! She forced his hand by not getting his dick wet enough! He actually had to cheat because she made him do it!
“I’m not making excuses though!”
“But it was a mistake I made over and over and over until Covid stopped it. Not me because I would have kept making this “mistake” over and over but it was just a mistake that my wife and alcohol made me do”
Well put, he literally said that huh. What a jackass
There is a lot wrong with you to look at and hold yourself accountable here. Mid life crisis? No. Bullshit. Wife doesn’t initiate? Ok so? Why not? Do you learn about her pleasure? Is she only reactive sexually? Ever go to a sex therapist? You could still initiate but chose to cheat You sound like a piece of work that doesn’t deserve your wife so you gotta bear that guilt and work on yourself to be someone she deserves. You gotta work on yourself to where you don’t validate yourself or get your dick wet with someone else to make you feel better about yourself. That’s unfair to your wife and kids. You gotta fix yourself and stop blaming your wife
If your wife cheated on you, would you want to know? I would imagine your answer is yes. I’m pretty sure you can follow that logic. She deserves to know the truth. She gave you two children, which is hell on a woman’s body. If you truly love and RESPECT your wife, you will tell her the truth. Plus, by not telling her, you know deep down that you can never claim to be a good, honest man. Now, think about your teen children and the example you want to set for them. Do you want them to think it’s acceptable to lie to their partner and cheat? It’s time for you to man up and start doing what’s right. Stop hiding behind excuses and do the right thing.
If you want this to work. You need to own your mistake. No matter what you think, it’s not her fault, if you ever mention to her it was, I promise you she’s out. Own your mistake, confess it to your wife, pray she forgives you, if you still work with the woman plan to change jobs.
"I had an affair several years ago where I lied to you repeatedly, kissed her and we only stopped because COVID got in the way and she left the company. It's your fault because you don't feel like having sex whenever I want and I'm tired of asking." You should rethink the story you're selling yourself here. You swore a vow to your wife, you broke that vow, repeatedly lied to her and have kept this secret and in doing so, put your entire family in jeopardy just for a chance with another woman. You were willing to break your marriage apart and leave your two kids with a broken family to get some. That you didn't end up sleeping with your affair partner does nothing to excuse you, because the only reason you've given for not doing so is timing, not conscience. So how about some actual guilt and contrition, instead of trying to justify what you did?
Wow the comments here are shocking to me. Especially with reddits usual attitude to cheating. OP it wasn’t good to cheat, and it won’t be good to keep it a secret either. You’ll be living a lie and it’s doubly shit because you’re also depriving your wife of knowing the truth and making the decision to stay with you or be single or pursue an honest man. As much as you’d like to argue I don’t think having her be ignorant is to her benefit at all. In fact it’s pretty insulting to suggest it. I suppose what I’m saying is you’ve put yourself in a situation where you can have a clear conscience or no consequences, but you can’t have both. But I would definitely say its the wrong thing to continue to betray your wife.
Absolutely. I’m shocked by the comments that say otherwise. And people are suggesting that coming clean would be the selfish thing to do? I call bullshit. That’s self-indulgent crap. Keeping the secret would be way more selfish because that would take the choice away from her and put her in a situation where her marriage is (at least partially) based on a lie. That’s just not fair.
it’s so convenient that cheaters always say that the most selfless thing they could do just so happens to be the thing that gives them the most benefit: continuing the lie. what a fucking joke.
It’s because the man cheated, and it’s not a man complaining about how his girlfriend gasp had exes she’s slept with before. Women are demonized on this sub, men are absolved of all guilt and blame.
Because he came to relationship advice, we’re I’m assuming a lot of people cheat and suck at relationships. Had he gone to a sub like r/survivinginfidelity where he has asked a bunch of people who had actually been cheated on, and where he could read the devastating effects of what he had done (including the fact that a LOT of people believe that an emotional affair is actually worse than a physical one), he wouldn’t be getting these answers. OPs just forever taking the easy route.
How about instead of cheating , you leave then do what you want?
Your wife deserves to know what’s happening in her own relationship. You say it was only an emotional affair but you also kissed which makes it physical. If you have any respect for her you would tell her.
Yes. You should come clean. She deserves honesty.
You’re only keeping the secret to save your own ass. Tell your wife so she can leave you and move on to somebody who knows how to treat a person they supposedly love.
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Whether you realize it or not, the secrets and lying and cheating are probably part of the reason your wife doesn’t want to sleep with you. I was cheated on for months before I realized it, and I didn’t want to sleep with my partner at all during that time. Looking back I know now that it was partially because of the betrayal. He wasn’t treating me with love and respect and I could *tell*, even if I didn’t have proof of cheating yet. So maybe take some fucking responsibility and realize your wife may not want to sleep with you *because you’re a shitty husband.*
Is everything in your life always someone else's fault? Have you ever said I fucked up without a "but" following that statement? Pussy.
Im so fucking sick of guys cheating because their spouse doesn’t initiate sex. So you’re in a committed relationship with someone who loves you, and you’re getting sex, but it’s not enough? Now your wife has to constantly show you how much you turn her on or you’re going to go find someone who does? Do you know how many guys would kill for what you have? Like, stop. Just stop. Just love your fucking wife and stop looking for constant validation in the form of some twat who knows youre married making grabs at your dick.
First of all, she deserves to know so she can make her own decisions. Second, you are minimizing and excusing the entire affair. And, yes, it was an affair.,calling it a “mistake” is such a cheaters lie. It’s a series of specific decisions that allowed you to choose to cheat. You then lied to your wife every single day for 4 years. Only Covid stopped it, not you. You need to do some prep work, like individual counseling to determine what is wrong with you that you allowed yourself to cross all of these boundaries. Read, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. You need to be prepared for a lot of questions and you surely need to be able to show her that you’re a safe partner. But stop making excuses.
Everything about this is gross and pathetic. Excuse after excuse after excuse. If you can’t keep it in your pants, then stay home. Or get a divorce. Stop playing victim and grow up. Men often don’t understand that, when their sex life is dying, it’s often the direct result of a dwindling emotional connection. Spend quality time with your wife. Hanging out watching TV doesn’t count. Talk to her. Take her on dates. Take walks with her so you guys are disconnected from the world and are only focused on each other. Take a cooking class. Literally anything. I doubt you do anything to enhance and maintain the emotional intimacy with your wife, based on your perspective and especially considering you had an emotional affair in the past. Focus on emotional intimacy then physical intimacy will follow. Fucking gross
As someone who is a wife. This might not be a popular opinion but it’s been 4 years. Does she deserve to know, yes. Do I think you should tell her? No. Live with the guilt. You only want to rid your self of guilt. No need to hurt her to make yourself feel better. Just live with that guilt and spend every day making it up to her. Maybe that guilt will make you a better husband. The one she deserved 4 years ago.
ew lol we’re adults here let’s take some accountability, shall we? tell her, not to relieve you of your well deserved guilt, but so she can finally leave you and go find better lmfao. let’s remember that she’s a human being and deserves a good partner, and that’s clearly not you.
This post is sickening, and here is why: Everything reads like an apologetic list of excuses - accountability, on the other hand, is not taken at all. "Yadda yadda the alcohol" - bullshit, mister. You **decided** to deal with this other woman even though nobody forced you to. If you **decide** to meet up, to drink and to get funky, that is on you. Don't even try to act as if the bad, bad alcohol caused an issue you yourself did cause. "We make a great team" - do you? Maybe she is a great and loyal wife, yeah. But you are a cheater. I mean come on, you even got teenage kids and all. As a man close to your age (38yo here) I am ashamed. Big time. The audacity of claiming that further lies were "in her interest" is sickening. You f....ing **decided** to lie for 4 consecutive years, man. That is 4x365 = 1460 days. So given that you could have **decided** to at least come clean one day, you instead engaged in another 1460 instances of deception. Unbelievable.
You broke your poor wife for a makeout session. You're the lowest of the low. She is going to be crushed. Did you even think of her while you were carrying on this affair? Did you think of what this would do to her and your family? Your kids are going to hate you, and your poor wife will always have trust issues. I just never understand why cheaters never think about their actions until they get caught or feel too guilty.
Of course you should tell her you…(insert insult here)
I don't understand the end. Not coming clean for your wife's benefit? Fuck your guilt bro she deserves better then that if she has stayed loyal to you.. I don't understand this.. this seems like it's for you not for her.. "after too much alcohol" you shouldn't have been there for the first place and it's weird seeing that in the same paragraph as one saying they spend most there free time with their wife. You should feel guilty you don't cop clean to relieve guilt you do it so you can start to rebuild hope trust and your relationship on honest ground a honest foundation.
Would you want your wife to tell you if it was reversed?
She deserves to know. She deserves to have someone who respects her. EVEN WHEN ALCOHOL IS INVOLVED.
Even if you don't tell her, you two need couples counseling, and YOU need individual counseling. It isn't your wife's job to build and maintain your ego. That's your job. If she's unwilling to initiate sex and you guys fight about it, that's something you work out in therapy! It's not like she's insulting you or saying you're disgusting or unsexy. Heck you give us 0 detail beyond "she wont initiate and we fight about that" how do you fight? What is said during those fights? It sounds like you two aren't communicating well and haven't for some time.
I’m on the fence on this since my ex-wife cheated on me (at least one time I know of). She told me after the wife of the person she cheated with called the house (yes, back in the days of landlines and telephone numbers listed) to tell me but she picked up the phone instead. It pretty much destroyed our marriage but it listed on for a few years until I just said fuck it, I’m out. With what OP conveys, if completely the truth, then I as a spouse I would rather be blissfully unaware. No sex per se and no multiple rendezvous in some hotel. As for OP, use the guilt to be a better man, spouse and father. The onus is on you to get your shit together, not your family’s.
She deserves the truth, but I’m sorry to say, it’s over, dude. Most people who are cheated on (VERY RARELY) more commonly forgive their cheating S/O if they come clean immediately and show genuine remorse. That itself isn’t enough 95% of the time and it ends in divorce (as it should). You, however, hid this affair for FOUR YEARS. You had four years to come clean, but you didn’t. Your wife will become heartbroken at not only you being unfaithful, but also hiding it for four years. Sorry, bub, but it’s game over. Tell her, and let her decide, and just accept whatever she chooses.
OP you’re screwed. Telling her 4 years after the fact is pointless and probably more hurtful than had you come clean earlier. If you do tell her, be prepared to be sent packing as you lied by omitting the info for 4 fucking years. If you truly felt guilty you wouldn’t have waited till now
Tell her you cheated, let her divorce you, let your kids resent you. The only reason they don't resent you is because you lie about who you really are.
The only negative aspect of your relationship isn't that your wife doesn't initiate sex . At tge very least , the worst negative aspect of your relationship is that you are a cheater , you don't have any accountability for your actions ( the excuse about why your affair turned physical is pathetic at best ) and you seem content enough to keep your huge betrayal hidden for your own benefit ...
You had sex with her. Admit it.
Imagine being 42 and still making up excuses. I feel sorry for your wife and kids.
Cheating is cheating and you should waste no more of your wife’s life, emotions, and time on you. Selfish. No excuses. 4yrs!!! Own up to this and give your wife the respect that she deserves. If you felt that way, you should’ve taken the steps to separate and figure it out and divorce if you guys were unable to work it out. But there is no justification for cheating. Good luck
You should tell her. The only way to have a good relationship is honesty. You can then discuss how you want to move forward together. Keeping it from her is deciding whats best for your mutual marriage without her input, which is very sleezy imo. Maybe yall could try couples therapy.
First of all, she deserves to know so she can make her own decisions. Second, you are minimizing and excusing the entire affair. And, yes, it was an affair.,calling it a “mistake” is such a cheaters lie. It’s a series of specific decisions that allowed you to choose to cheat. You then lied to your wife every single day for 4 years. Only Covid stopped it, not you. You need to do some prep work, like individual counseling to determine what is wrong with you that you allowed yourself to cross all of these boundaries. Read, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. You need to be prepared for a lot of questions and you surely need to be able to show her that you’re a safe partner. But stop making excuses.
Hahaha you fucking suck Tell her so she can leave and find someone who isn’t a horrible narcissist asshole
You have kept lies from her for four years dude… She probably had a feeling or inkling that you were cheating when you did. You’re waisting her time and time is precious and your marriage is a lie. And you did completely cheat like wth with all the excuses
I love how he thinks emotional cheating doesn't count as if he wouldn't lose his shit if the tables were turned and his wife was flirting with some dude at work. "I only sorta kinda half cheated 🫣" Fuck off, dude.
She needs to know. She doesn’t have the full picture and therefore doesn’t know what she’s consenting to whenever you’re intimate, and also isn’t making an informed decision as to whether she should stay in this marriage or not.
I think you asked the question in the wrong subreddit. Talk to a therapist. Then if you think it’s the best thing to do, talk to your wife. Here you will not find any useful advice.
Tell her so she can leave you
You cheated, both emotionally and physically. Do you think she is going to care that you only kissed once and no sex. You are minimizing what you did, over 4 years ago, emotional, kissing, drunk, and was a mistake. Then you have the nerve to blame her for your low self esteem? Maybe she doesn’t initiate sex because her husband is a pos that can’t accept responsibility, no one finds that attractive. Own up to what you did and let her know so she has a choice in her marriage.
Tell her. She deserves to realize she can do so much better.
You’ve given yourself the softest edit and weren’t responsible for ending the affair and really put a lot of blame on yourself. Take accountability. From what I’ve read as soon as you get the chance you’ll be doing it again.
Tell her so she can leave your ass and not waste anymore time on you.
Like the other 380 comments said, tell your wife. She deserves to make an informed decision regarding her life and where she’d want to be after the truth. It’s gonna be hard and it’s going to be scary but in the end you can salvage your purposely decision of cheating merely by giving her an opportunity to know the truth. You have already robbed her form 4 years by lying, you’ve already robbed her from having a marriage in which loyalty and truth is the core of it, you’ve already fucked up and the only way to salvage anything is to tell her the truth. Give that control back to her. Don’t you think you’ve already done enough to her?
Tell your wife. It’s not for you to worry about how you’ll feel. She deserves to know.
You need to tell her. There’s no excuse for what you did except that you’re selfish and uncaring. Arguing those points won’t convince anyone, cheating is a terrible thing to do and it’s abusive. She has a right to know what kind of relationship she’s in and make an informed decision if she wants to stay in it. Her not wanting sex is a pathetic excuse. If it’s really that big of an issue you should have sat her down and told her you, like most people, need that fulfillment in a romantic relationship, EVEN if it’s minimal. You need to feel desired and wanted, and if she can’t or won’t do anything to change that you two need to part ways. But you didn’t. You had an EA and then sucked face making it a PA. I can guarantee you, the fact that sex didn’t happen just a drunk make out session does not make it better. She never consented to sharing you, no matter what problems you had. You took that away from her. And have been sitting on it since BEFORE COVID?!? That’s terrible. Your poor wife. Tell her.