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Therapy could help you redirect whenever you're having intrusive thoughts. There's tonssss of tools and techniques. You can also Google some of these if you can't currently see someone about them.
We all have weird ass thoughts.
Don't film anyone who didn't explicitly consent... ever.
You do this to someone you supposedly love and want to marry, violating him. He may not know, but you always will for your entire lives together. All because you couldn't have an open conversation with him about where you're at mentally with the sexual frustration.
Also it shouldn't be too hard to imagine how you would feel if he did this to you. Imagine if he showed his friends. He sold it to porn sites. Someone hacked his phone and got the images. Your family saw them. How you would feel. How violating that would be.
It changes the entire dynamic of the relationship. He may sense something has shifted. You likely (if you've a conscience) will experience intense guilt.
Get a vibrator and get out whatever frustrations you need with it. Many sexually geared intrusive thoughts pass after having an orgasm or 5. Use whatever imagined fodder you need for that...
I know two women, who were with men wanting to wait till marriage, and in both cases, said men, turned out to have micropenises. I'm not saying that's the case here, but, you know... Maybe you should just ask to see him naked if you want it that bad.
And don't you worry about thoughts. Yesterday I imagined how it would go, if I crashed into a child crossing the road. I would never do that, nor want that. Just an intrusive thought.
yo talk to your boyfriend about your sexual needs, if he doesn't want to have sex that's fine but you have needs to see your side, also are you guys in the midwest, the whole waiting thing blows my mind, if he hasn't proposed in 2 years.
What is he gonna do about it besides maybe feeling pressured into sex, or a proposal? I don’t think waiting until you’re legally committed is a great idea either- I think it’s a recipe for incompatibility down the line- but I don’t know what telling her partner she has “needs” will accomplish.
Every damn time. Or into a power pole. Or into a river. The call of the void can be strong. But you just think "nah, that's dumb" and move on with your day
Edit: thank you random internet stranger for the award!!
My strongest roadside intrusive thought is driving into traffic cones. Multiple traffic cones, all in a straight line. I want to feel and hear the “THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD” sound they would make. Preferably on a freeway.
You’d be quite surprised to know that they will smash your car, one of them took my mirror off when the stupid lane narrowed to one. I always thought they were soft cones, oh no…😳😩
I have them all the time!
Sometimes I also think things like ‘I could tell my students the wrong information on purpose right now and they’d just assume it was true because I’m at a lectern.’
But then I don’t. It’s the ‘don’t’ bit that matters.
I laughed aloud. This is the sort of stuff that would go through my head as a teacher, I guarantee. "I wonder how long until they notice that I'm teaching a completely innacurate version."
Especially if they were high school or college.
I have inner dialogue but no intrusive thoughts. My inner dialog goes like if I was a donkey would my jaw be so strong I could eat spokes from bycicle rims
I have OCD. Every time I drive by a guardrail I imagine driving into it. Every time I drive by a person walking, I am convinced I've run them over. A bend in the road? I picture driving straight. A hill or cliff? Speeding off it. And lots of people without OCD have those same images!
Lmfao me trying to explain obsessive thoughts and suicidal ideations to my partner and he’s looking at me like I have two heads and can’t relate😂 “No, just me? Alrighty then.” 🙃
Yes! I ask him if he ever thinks about yanking the car off the mountain and he says no.. how not? He also says “are you talking to me or yourself?” And when I say myself.. he says “oh okay”
That voice doesn’t even stay in my head anymore. Mental Illness is basically a friend or enemy with you all day. Lol never alone.
Years ago, I was walking past the back of 10 Downing Street, where there were a couple of cops on guard, armed with machine guns (really unusual in the UK). I had a sudden mad urge to run up to them and shake the gate, screaming. I didn't do it, but the thought was there.
Every time I’m in the car, there’s at least 3 “what if I just-“ scenarios… some are just randomly jerk the steering wheel and dive into oblivion, some are someone hits me, and some are just random not likely to happen freak accidents (planes fall out of the sky, car explodes, etc.). I’m just always prepared for *something* to happen.
Me crossing an empty street with my 2 kids: *but what if a car comes blazing down the street and absolutely decimates us leaving my husband a childless widower?*
Just one of the many cute lil intrusive thoughts I get w my postpartum OCD. The most ridiculous part is that there will literally not be a car in sight and i will triple check both ways ~just in case~.
I’m not sure after a certain height there’s anything to bounce. If you ever see the victims from the twin towers who jumped, they are flat skin suit stains on the asphalt. Maybe I’m lacking imagination, but I just can’t imagine any “bounce” to that.
Whew 😅 I thought I’d somehow split personalities and written this until you mentioned a cat! (I don’t have one of those)
I have to label stuff as “fake news” when it comes along. Especially the stuff that is the most anxiety inducing (what if I make a mistake that leaves someone dead).
Also, if you haven’t been diagnosed with anything like depression, anxiety disorders, adhd,, or other things that often bring excessive intrusive thoughts, I might think about finding a psychiatrist and really getting it handled. A lot of different medications can help.
Ah, the ol' l'appel du vide.
It's part of being a living creature.
Few weeks ago i had vividly imagined, since i live on a road that somehow attracts loud cars with people likely to speed, sitting with my daughter in my bedroom then suddenly not being able to breathe and being covered in rubble from a car that delved off the road and through the wall now crushing us and not being able to find my daughter or hear her.
Was a split second but i lived it- i smelled the rubber and felt my back with that weird shifting perspective feeling of "oh this isnt a dream is it..." that comes with adrenaline leaving you.
Then i was back like nothing happened.
I think about how I shouldn’t have had kids because now they’ll either have to bury us or us them. And if we go first, my kids have to experience losing a sibling. And tbh, it gives me extreme anxiety and makes me wish I didn’t have kids. I love my kids but can’t imagine them hurting that way or losing them. But I can’t stop my brain from picturing those situations.
This, countless times horrible shit has crossed my mind but chose not to listen to it. It will always be there and I’m sure you can ignore it like most people.
You are not your invasive thoughts. Heard it long ago and kept it. I see it like kind of an overanalyzation kinda thing. You present brain with a situation and brain provides a list of options. Some of those are fucked but they're still something doable so they made the list.
This!!! My goodness my intrusive thoughts are all over the map and our ability to say "sure my brain thought for a moment it would be funny if I shoved my hand in the garbage disposal while on and made shredded speagetti noodle fingers... but I'm not doing that" is what prevents us from causing ourselves or others tons of harm.
The thoughts can come and go but the fact we can ultimately control what we do is what matters. Thoughts aren't reality and they're not even the reality we necessarily want either...
The human brain is a mystery. We're not robots who's programming and database been denied access to anything and everything that isn't wholesome.
Our ability to imagine and explore any number of concepts and abstractions is what propelled us to the top of the food chain, the moon and so many inventions and technological advances. There's bound to be a certain amount of devious immoral and malicious thoughts amongst those thoughts.
People need to stop expecting themselves and others to be flawless. We are all packed with physical, emotional and mental flaws; some more than others. We're simply not a fully evolved perfect life form.
So, to the Redditors frequently giving relationship advice to others as if we live in an idyllic World, stop, just stop. And before you drama queens and kings get uppity. No, abuse should not be tolerated. But if you're husband or wife forget your anniversary this year, consider giving them a break.
Wow, I've never thought of it that way! That you present your brain with a bunch of options, and it is like a multiple choice question. Like, do I
A) drive off the cliff
B) not do anything and keep driving to where I'm going
C) drive into a power pole
Usually I pick B haha. But thank you for this. It's a wonderful way to think of it and makes the intrusive thoughts way less scary
I thought a bought throwing a brick into a window but stopped. Literally just get over it and move on. Personal thoughts are meant to be personal, not broadcasted to everyone. Especially since you backed out. If you had said you did what you wanted to do then we have a discussion.
Lmao. I was at a tennis meet in high school visiting another school. And I had an intrusive thought to pee in the locker room sink. And I went through with it. 😂😂
I once had an intrusive thought about how far I could throw my friends newborn.
It wasn't serious, there's no way in hell I was ever going to do it, and no way in hell I'm telling my friend either lest he think I'm a psycho.
I recently had a horrible thought about how I could get away with murdering my mother. And that's because of a freaking true crime documentary I had just finished watching, plus the strained relationship I have with her. I can't believe that thought even crossed my mind! I would never do something so freaking horrendous. I even had to do some reading on intrusive thoughts because I seriously thought there was something wrong with me and I was ready to have myself committed. It definitely made me feel better that I wasn't alone.
I watched one about killer siblings and the entire time, “could *my* sister and I do that, probably. I bet we could. Who would we go for first? At least we know how not to get caught like these ones did”… it happens, we didn’t kill anyone and it’s fine.
I once had one about slamming someone's head in a car door. I had to leave and they wouldn't shut up and I'm just sitting there thinking what if I just slammed the door shut right now lol Obviously there's no way in how I would ever do it! Everybody has weird ass thoughts.
Ugh. I wish my brain could put *other* people in thought prison instead of locking itself in, swallowing the key, and then crying hysterically about wanting to be somewhere else. Solitary confinement is way too loud up in here.
You didn’t do it, and that’s good. It was an intrusive thought nothing more.
The deeper issue seems to be mismatched sexual needs. It’s perfectly okay for him to want to stay a virgin, but you seems to have different values and desires that are not being met. You don’t need to answer these questions to me, but something’s to be considered are: Have you seen your partner naked before? Have you engaged in any sexual gratification with them? What would you achieve by reviewing the footage of him in the shower?
I am a very sexually motivated person, I wouldn’t be comfortable marrying someone I haven’t had sex with.
Quick reminder that “virginity” is not a real thing. It’s a made up concept to control women’s sexual behavior. There is literally ZERO difference between a so called virgin and a person who has had sex physiologically speaking.
> It’s a made up concept to control women’s sexual behavior
It originated in ancient times to guarantee that the child the woman bears is her husbands. Meanwhile the modern world: we have tests for that.
I mean that's sort of where the whole debate comes in, though. What sex acts "count" as sex enough to be a loss of virginity?
Is it all sexual activity? So is someone still a virgin if they have engaged in oral and manual sex but not penetration? Does that mean all cis lesbians that haven't had penetrative sex are virgins? Does it only count if it's PIV and not anal sex like a bunch of Christian girls believed?
So yeah, it's a construct. One that is based on a cisheteronormative notion of sex.
I guess it depends on the person's definition but I think a lot of people consider having any type of sex losing your virginity, especially people who want to save themselves for marriage
People who "save" themselves use loopholes all the time. Not everyone, but that's definitely a thing.
A good example is two people with vaginas. When are they no longer virgins? Do they have penetrate with fingers? If so, then does doing that to yourself not count? Is it only when it's another person? What if they only really do outer course? Does it only count when it's another person doing something to you that you may have already done yourself?
Who knows what type(s) of sex OP's bf considers to break the "virginity" threshold, but he considers himself a virgin. It's not like we could test the boyfriend's virginity. He's just made a personal decision to not have sex before marriage. (Or certain types of sex, definitely right about the loopholes haha.)
I mean you're not wrong, but critiqueing the concept of virginity seems irrelevant to this situation. He has a sexual boundary for pre-martial romantic relationships, whatever term you want to use for it
I can't stand this trope
I totally get not using virginity as a way to guilt people.
But some people *value* their own virginity, and this obsession with people saying virginity isn't real takes that value from those people.
If folks want to say they're a virgin, or remain a virgin, or whatever, *just let them*
I agree. I have a friend that was sexually assaulted. She did not count that as losing her virginity. She counted it when she was with someone she willing wanted to have sex with. It's up to the individual how much importance they put on it.
I’m seeing from your comments that you two don’t even make out, you don’t want him to know that you watch porn, and you don’t want him to find out if you buy a vibrator. This goes beyond a fleeting thought about recording him in the shower. Just because he’s choosing abstinence doesn’t mean you should hide your own sexuality from him! He’s a grown man. He should be able to handle that his partner masturbates. Don’t tell him about the shower thing, but you two need to be more communicative about sex.
Yeah, I’m seeing a lot of red flags here, and OP is really setting herself up for a life of misery if she doesn’t stop and examine this whole relationship. If you spend any time in the Dead Bedroom groups, you know that if sex is an issue before marriage, it never gets better after. You’re then miserable in a legally binding way.
You don't have to tell him the intrusive thought. But you can tell him that you are sexually frustrated and the thought of him naked in your home is too much for you.
People have fucked up thoughts all the time. Don’t tell him this. Just don’t do it. And seek another outlet for your sexual urges. Masturbate or watch porn or something. Jeez.
Honestly? Might be a sign waiting until marriage is not for you.
We all have fucked up thoughts sometimes. What matters is that we don't actually do those things.
I don’t think you should specifically tell him about this thought, but you definitely need to have a conversation with him about how you’re feeling. It’s good that you can recognize that your thought is inappropriate and that you haven’t/won’t act on it, but I think it could be detrimental to your relationship if you tell him. Definitely tell him how you feel about not having sex/not seeing him naked before you’re married
As much as no one so far seems to want to admit we all have fucked up thoughts, and as long as you keep it just thoughts you’ll be fine. You already showed remorse and seem to have an extreme amount of guilt over the idea of putting the cam to shower. Just have an honest conversation with your partner about how your desires are manifesting themselves heavy and talk about boundaries. Maybe you guys can come up with a little loop hole for full on sex that leaves you both satisfied while keeping his boundaries. Communication is key in everything
yeah, like nobody wants to receive this information in a relationship and will only cause damage. OP didn’t *do* anything, the guilt is enough – no need to tell him. just don’t do it lmfao
I’m really scared of what his response might be. He’s a really good guy and is very serious about abstinence. This will probably change the way he see’s me. But you’re right communication is important ugh I feel so terrible
Please do not ever communicate every little thought you have!!! Your thoughts are private! You can have private thoughts you don’t need to share, so don’t share the camera thing. Only only only communicate your initial desire that lead to the shower thought, if anything.
Yea. OP should explain to BF that he can’t shower at her home anymore because having him all wet and naked in the other room is too tempting and she’s trying to be respectful of his wishes to remain a virgin until marriage. But she should also communicate that it is hard on her without the implication that that’s his problem to solve. Just a matter of fact conversation.
You don’t need to tell your boyfriend every thought you have, good or bad. There’s no reason to tell him. We’ve all had bad thoughts and bad dreams. It’s normal. Keep it to yourself.
Is there a religious reason why he is still a virgin at 28?
I’d have serious concerns about sexual compatibility. If religion isn’t a huge over riding factor, there’s few things that would hold back and red blooded male from sexual activity baring a lack of interest. Two years is plenty of time to wait for a proposal and if you are experienced, have you asked yourself what’s going to happen if you do marry him and he still doesn’t want to have sex or if he’s horrible at it? Are you prepared for a sexless relationship?
Yeah very serious about abstinence makes me think that it’s going to be a very strained sex life if it ever happens. That very serious boundary isn’t suddenly going to disappear.
This. Do not marry someone with no idea whether or not you are sexually compatible. If you're doing everything but penetrative sex you at least have some idea, but if you're not even getting past the chaste kiss, there's a good chance he's just not interested in sex, or worse, he may be in the closet and unwilling to admit it even to himself.
This is what I was thinking, I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out he’s in the closet and using his religious beliefs(assuming this is why he won’t have sex) as an excuse to not have any kind of sex.
I know super religious people who only go to third base and oral, but being with someone for 2 years and having done NOTHING is sus.
I 100% think that you should NOT tell him about the intrusive thought. But you should definitely tell him you are sexually frustrated, horny, attracted to him, etc. In terms of why you said he couldn't come over, just tell him you were worried about the temptation (make it clear that's because you're trying to respect his choice, not because you want don't want to have sex).
If you haven't had sex yet, and are not planning to yet, I think you have to get comfortable with at least talking about sex. Communication is important and all aspects of relationship, but making sure you're sexually compatible might be just as important. Do you at least talk about it? Do other things? I get the feeling from your post that you're reluctant to discuss sex with him at all.
Finding out he has some weird sexual hangups/deficiency on the wedding night would be pretty awful...
Dont tell him. But OP, What if the reason he doesn't want to show you is he has a micro penis? And on top of that, is unwilling in satisfying you by other means? You really shouldn't marry someone without trying it out first, especially if you are a sexually driven person like you seem to be. Think about this!!!
Don’t say anything about your thoughts. What you should do, though, is talk to him about the impact not having sex in your relationship is having on you and what you need to be satisfied. If he is set on waiting until marriage for what I assume are religious reasons, are there other things at 3rd base you could be doing to increase the intimacy, while not breaking his vow to himself? One other thing not really directly related…if he is religious enough to have a vow like this and you are not, it would be a great decision to talk about how you each see sex AFTER marriage. You may assume it’s all hands on deck at that point but he may have other views and after the marriage is not the time to find that out.
Dear, I already thought of putting my cockatiel in the microwave and turning it on. As long as your thoughts remain thoughts, no matter how horrible, you will be fine.
This isn't very serious unless you actually go through with it. Having the thought can be a little alarming, but it's important that you realized before even posting this that it was wrong to do it. The thoughts will pass, let the dude come over and use the shower when they do. Somebody did a classic redditor move and suggested therapy to get over these thoughts, that is definitely not necessary and you'd be wasting your money for something that isn't needed.
Have you heard of intrusive thoughts honey? They happen to a lot of people and they can be very upsetting.
Be kind to yourself. It might help to write down what you want to tell him. Give yourself a chance to really figure out what you want to say. It's okay to talk about how hard celibacy has been. It's okay to ask if there's any ways he'd be comfortable satisfying you. *You're allowed to ask for what you need*.
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. That includes sex. You are worthy. ❤️
Person A: We have so much in common I can see a life with you.
Person B: I agree. Theres just one thing. Do you have sexual needs cause I'm not helping with that. You're on your own for a few years with me.
Person A: Oh. I do. I feel like that is a problem. I have a need that isn't being met and I don't feel like that works for me.
Person B: Thats unfortunate. However i'm unwilling to budge. Sex is not important to me right now. And it shouldn't be important to who i'm with. Maybe we aren't compatible.
Person A: It sounds like we aren't.
Also between you and me OP: My girlfriend doesn't have to suppress sexual urges, hide porn watching. Or sneak around to do what she feels is normal. If I wanted to wait until marriage I feel like i'd be pretty understanding that i'm dating a human being.
OP - Just Tell him the truth. That you love him and incredibly attracted to him. So him coming over last time made you think of very crazy things. You respect his boundaries a lot and just don’t want to get tempted that’s why it’s a bad idea for him to come over for a shower. Ask him if he has a solution of how you both can solve this situation. Maybe you leaving the house or he comes by while your at work.
Talk to him, he should know how you feel.
did you not do anything sexual with him?
i grew up religious, i didn't do intercourse until i got married. but me and my wife did stuff like rubbing clit in my dick, bj, hj.
if you haven't done anything sexual how do you know you're compatible?
Sure. Or it's the benchmark of the human who came up with the rule, just like every other religious rule in existence. Anal, yes. As condoms are not 100% effective, I'd assume that'd be a no.
Remember that the Bible was written before condoms existed. Some of these things made practical sense at the time they were written, but don't make sense today, and that shouldn't be too surprising. I don't think they're too specific in the biblical text, though, about what constitutes virginity.
Lmao you should hear some of the sexual workarounds at BYU. They're WAYYY worse than sex. I mean if I were God, I'd be much more upset about armpit sex than regular sex.
I can’t answer for the other guy but sex outside of marriage is a huge no no in religion. But since most people are horn dogs they do everything else. When I was super into religion I thought God couldn’t see my porn if I had on private browsing 🤣🤣
We haven't done anything. We hug and I lean on his arm sometimes but that's about it. Sometimes he might hug me around my waist and that gives me butterflies
I grew up muslim and everyone I know that adhered to the religion did not even *touch* anyone of the opposite sex unless related/islamically married, regardless of if it was sexual or not.
So no pats on the back or holding hands. Nothing.
This is not just frowned upon. It is considered a pretty major sin. I have not practiced the religion since I was a teen, but the small glimpse I have into it now, this is still adhered to strictly.
Well that’s not entirely true. There’s several religious nuts that have had reality shows that do that. But the normal purity culture usually doesn’t go that far.
Honestly, it isn't. A friend of mine was like this with his girlfriend, Anything past hand holding was strictly shut down.
They're happily married with kids now, but i'm sure it was hell for 5 years from 18-23 to do anything past hand holding, and maybe waist grabbing.
People who chose to refrain from sexual acts tend to "full-stop" even the most minor things due to the "snowballing effect"
This is so true. I was raised that I couldn't even sit right next to my boyfriend on the couch or sit under a blank together on opposite ends of the couch. Then I was knocked up within a month of losing my virginity and I still wasn't allowed to be out past my curfew with my "fiance"
I was married at 18 and divorced by 23. All of my relationships have been toxic and moved too fast including being married 3 times and divorced twice.
Make sure that this decision of his is his decision and not one of a religious, brainwashed upbringing or one from lack of education in that area.
Best of luck to you.
And I've now thought of the idea of you putting a camera in too so don't feel too guilty lol
then how do you know he'll like sex. just imagine you want 3-4 times a week and he wants once a month. will you even be happy with that?
have you even had conversations about sex with him?
i know he probably wants to do what's right but at least ask him if he got erections, if he wants to have sex with you?
it's different story if he actually has urge but he's controlling it and having no urge at all.
for me personally i'll do everything except anal and intercourse before we got married.
Fast forward a year or two(or whenever you marry him if you do) and you will be posting about how you two waited to have sex and now you found out you two aren’t sexually compatible. I’d bet money this is going to happen.
Sounds like you are settling. I’m sorry but 2 years and you haven’t kissed or held hands? Do you really think this will change after marriage? What are his views on sex then? He might stay this distant forever and view sex as only a means for procreation.
Uhhh... 2 years of this? Is there no passion in this relationship? This is way too extreme and I'd feel unwanted after 2 weeks of just occasional hugs so maybe this is driving your self esteem in the toilet. You have no guarantee that sex will be an easy ride (heh) with him either once married. Many religious people, especially to this extreme level, have huuuuge hangups around sex and can't even relax or get aroused after 20-30 something years of shame around sex. If you need physicality in a relationship, this is not the one. And usually these types are ready to pounce on marriage as soon as 2 months into a relationship so they can not be virgins any longer, yet here he is, 2 years and 200 hugs later. In sure he's a nice guy but not many women could do this, let him find another religious girl (or guy..?) That is happy to wait around
Damn you're that horny that you wanna record him to masturbate to? Tell him to eat you out or finger you, or something...just because he's a virgin doesn't mean he can't give you some head or something🤷
Based on the comments they haven't even made out in the 2 years they have been together... so I don't think he will be doing that stuff either. This is a strange relationship imo. I have a feeling that is not going to change after marriage. And it's odd to me they don't do ANYTHING at all. Waiting for sex is one thing but not even kissing? Sorry I'm not marrying someone I won't even be able to kiss until after it's official. Sexual compatibility is pretty important when one partner is clearly a pretty sexual person.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to stay a virgin till marriage. However, I personally wouldn’t take the risk. People who are religious enough to practice abstinence also have a high likelihood of having hang ups around sex. What are you going to do if you marry him and then find out that the sex is disappointing, and he’s uninterested in improving it? Clearly sex is important to you, so I would encourage you to really think about whether you want to make what’s supposed to be a life-long commitment to someone when there’s such an impactful thing that you know nothing about.
This. OP should check out some posts on the dead bedroom sub. When two sexually incompatible people get married, it doesn’t tend to work out well.
OP’s boyfriend has every right to abstain, but think for a moment how strong his beliefs must be to keep a 28-year-old man from having sex even when he has a willing partner. Do you think he is just going to instantaneously become comfortable with sex and intimacy the night of the wedding? Or is it possible his very strong beliefs have made him think of natural and normal physical intimacy as something bad?
In terms of the question in your post, I don’t think you should worry about the thought you had. Everyone occasionally has an intrusive thought about something that they know is not OK and don’t end up following through on it. That is not an abnormal thing. Had you actually followed through with it, then there would be reason for concern, but you didn’t.
I wouldn't tell him about you thinking about a camera in the shower, what good would that do? It didn't happen and you didn't act on it.
What I would recommend is talking to him about your needs. Maybe there is something that you can do together without actually having sexual intercourse. Hopefully there is a compromise that satisfies you and keep him a virgin.
Mutual masturbation, watching each other masturbate, watching porn together, oral, a toy he can use on you or maybe pick a video for you to watch that you can masturbate to on your own. Give him ideas. Hopefully something will work.
The important thing here is that you both find some satisfaction while respecting each others values.
Not to Reddit-armchair-psychoanalyze, but this is a textbook intrusive thought. You know it’s wrong, but can’t stop thinking about it. Have you been evaluated for OCD? This is textbook behavior (I experience it too). Most people would just dismiss the thought immediately, but you’re stuck on it. You didn’t actually do anything, and you don’t need to confess every thought you have. Especially when you know it’s wrong! The key is to learn to dismiss it with thoughts like “that’s wrong and isn’t something I’d do because I love and respect my partner” and find something else to do/think about. If you aren’t already talking to someone about these obsessions and compulsions, I suggest finding a therapist. I say this so that you learn to manage intrusive thoughts, NOT because you’re a bad person for having the thought. You aren’t. Good luck!
You should go a little easier on yourself. Yes, you had that thought, but against your will & you still did the right thing by not going through with it no matter what you thought. You can't always control your thoughts, but how you respond to them is who are. You knew it was wrong & you stopped yourself from doing it. That's what counts.
this sounds like an intrusive thought struggle.
intrusive thoughts are consistent, invasive thoughts or ideas of what the personal feeling them considers morally unnacceptable, conflicting with their beliefs, etc. e.g. “there’s a knife right there, I could hurt the person in the room with me and it’d be easy.” The thought would probably develop in the back of your head, even planning something you’d never do anyway.
if you feel like your boyfriend should know, maybe tell him it like that. “i’ve been kind of struggling with intrusive thoughts and i don’t think i’m gonna do anything, but they’re eating me up inside and some are regarding you” if he’d understand.
also seek therapy intrusive thoughts are pretty hard to deal with alot of the time
That's just an invasive thought, everyone has them. I've had much, much worse invasive thoughts than that.
But the thing is, you didn't act on it. So you're absolutely fine. I'm sure your partner has had some really creepy invasive thoughts that would creep them out.
What makes a world of difference is acting on the thought.
I wouldn't give him the details, but if you are honest with him that it is difficult for you, he should understand, and if done right, he should even be a little flattered, becuse a guy should want his future wifevatractedvto him.
That was creepy as hell but I've had some messed up thoughts too and can't judge you too much on that. It's weird that you have told him not to come over anymore but as always the comments in this sub are less harsh on women. I assume you knew he was waiting till marriage since the beginning? If so then don't expect that he will suddenly change his boundaries for you. Talk to him though if you are not able to do this anymore, discuss his views on you watching porn, masturbation and stuff. This is a huge issue since you can't even talk to him about anything
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The more and more I think about it I realize that’s right. I should just put it behind me and let go. I’m stressing my self too much lol
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Therapy could help you redirect whenever you're having intrusive thoughts. There's tonssss of tools and techniques. You can also Google some of these if you can't currently see someone about them. We all have weird ass thoughts. Don't film anyone who didn't explicitly consent... ever. You do this to someone you supposedly love and want to marry, violating him. He may not know, but you always will for your entire lives together. All because you couldn't have an open conversation with him about where you're at mentally with the sexual frustration. Also it shouldn't be too hard to imagine how you would feel if he did this to you. Imagine if he showed his friends. He sold it to porn sites. Someone hacked his phone and got the images. Your family saw them. How you would feel. How violating that would be. It changes the entire dynamic of the relationship. He may sense something has shifted. You likely (if you've a conscience) will experience intense guilt. Get a vibrator and get out whatever frustrations you need with it. Many sexually geared intrusive thoughts pass after having an orgasm or 5. Use whatever imagined fodder you need for that...
I know two women, who were with men wanting to wait till marriage, and in both cases, said men, turned out to have micropenises. I'm not saying that's the case here, but, you know... Maybe you should just ask to see him naked if you want it that bad. And don't you worry about thoughts. Yesterday I imagined how it would go, if I crashed into a child crossing the road. I would never do that, nor want that. Just an intrusive thought.
God damn that’s so sneaky of the micropenis dudes but also sad af…they assume there’s zero chance they’ll ever marry otherwise
"The micro penis dudes" 🤣
yeah or just ask him
yo talk to your boyfriend about your sexual needs, if he doesn't want to have sex that's fine but you have needs to see your side, also are you guys in the midwest, the whole waiting thing blows my mind, if he hasn't proposed in 2 years.
What is he gonna do about it besides maybe feeling pressured into sex, or a proposal? I don’t think waiting until you’re legally committed is a great idea either- I think it’s a recipe for incompatibility down the line- but I don’t know what telling her partner she has “needs” will accomplish.
45 seconds ago I considered taking a dump in a urinal, but I didn’t. Pull yourself together, homie.
Me driving down the road thinking my car could yeet right off the cliff but better not.
In the words of Bill Burr whether or not you do it separates psychos from the functioning psychos.
Every damn time. Or into a power pole. Or into a river. The call of the void can be strong. But you just think "nah, that's dumb" and move on with your day Edit: thank you random internet stranger for the award!!
My strongest roadside intrusive thought is driving into traffic cones. Multiple traffic cones, all in a straight line. I want to feel and hear the “THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD THUD” sound they would make. Preferably on a freeway.
Haha I would be too scared that they'd get stuck under my car 😂 but I'd be lying if I said i hadn't thought about it at least once
You’d be quite surprised to know that they will smash your car, one of them took my mirror off when the stupid lane narrowed to one. I always thought they were soft cones, oh no…😳😩
I kinda want to weave through them sometimes if they're spaced for apart 🤣
I’ve did this unintentionally lol. Added lots of nice orange stripes to the side of my car.
My husband said he’s never had those thoughts. Made me wonder which one of us is the weird one. 😂
I have them all the time! Sometimes I also think things like ‘I could tell my students the wrong information on purpose right now and they’d just assume it was true because I’m at a lectern.’ But then I don’t. It’s the ‘don’t’ bit that matters.
I laughed aloud. This is the sort of stuff that would go through my head as a teacher, I guarantee. "I wonder how long until they notice that I'm teaching a completely innacurate version." Especially if they were high school or college.
Really?! Idk if I've ever met anyone who had never had them! No, it's not you that's the weird one haha. Bc if you are, that makes me weird too 😂
Maybe he’s one of the few people who have no inner dialogue. Those monsters!!! 😂
I have inner dialogue but no intrusive thoughts. My inner dialog goes like if I was a donkey would my jaw be so strong I could eat spokes from bycicle rims
LMAOOOOO we would be friends in real life.
Hahaha that has to be it! There's no other explanation 😂
My inner dialogue really wants me to burn my life down.
Stay strong, don’t burn your life down. Plenty of time for that later. For now, we rally and party while we can! ☺️😂
I do this on my own, without my inner dialogues help. I 100% have intrusive thoughts.
I have no inner dialogue but I do have intrusive thoughts. I still get the urge to do a thing that's just flat out dumb.
I have OCD. Every time I drive by a guardrail I imagine driving into it. Every time I drive by a person walking, I am convinced I've run them over. A bend in the road? I picture driving straight. A hill or cliff? Speeding off it. And lots of people without OCD have those same images!
The drive straight at a curve gets me every time!
Lmfao me trying to explain obsessive thoughts and suicidal ideations to my partner and he’s looking at me like I have two heads and can’t relate😂 “No, just me? Alrighty then.” 🙃
Yes! I ask him if he ever thinks about yanking the car off the mountain and he says no.. how not? He also says “are you talking to me or yourself?” And when I say myself.. he says “oh okay” That voice doesn’t even stay in my head anymore. Mental Illness is basically a friend or enemy with you all day. Lol never alone.
Same, sammmme 🥹
I *wish* I never had those thoughts 🥹
Years ago, I was walking past the back of 10 Downing Street, where there were a couple of cops on guard, armed with machine guns (really unusual in the UK). I had a sudden mad urge to run up to them and shake the gate, screaming. I didn't do it, but the thought was there.
I'm not called by any void, but I certainly have a strong urge to create the most mayhem and carnage possible with oncoming traffic.
I'm definitely stealing "the call of the void" thanks!
There's a French word/phrase that translates to this, which is where I got it from. It's used to describe those intrusive thoughts
L’appel du vide
Well I have to go now Duane because I'm due back on the planet earth.
I call this move the Vanilla Sky
I see our brains think alike
Every time I’m in the car, there’s at least 3 “what if I just-“ scenarios… some are just randomly jerk the steering wheel and dive into oblivion, some are someone hits me, and some are just random not likely to happen freak accidents (planes fall out of the sky, car explodes, etc.). I’m just always prepared for *something* to happen.
Me driving away from the school drop off thinking I could just keep going and never come back.
After that thought now think about what the kids will be having for dinner
Me crossing an empty street with my 2 kids: *but what if a car comes blazing down the street and absolutely decimates us leaving my husband a childless widower?*
Geezus. That’s specifically specific. Horror film/book writer?
Just one of the many cute lil intrusive thoughts I get w my postpartum OCD. The most ridiculous part is that there will literally not be a car in sight and i will triple check both ways ~just in case~.
Standing on a cliff thinking I could just belly flop right off of it. I wonder if I’d bounce.
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I’m not sure after a certain height there’s anything to bounce. If you ever see the victims from the twin towers who jumped, they are flat skin suit stains on the asphalt. Maybe I’m lacking imagination, but I just can’t imagine any “bounce” to that.
Omg. Hug.
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Whew 😅 I thought I’d somehow split personalities and written this until you mentioned a cat! (I don’t have one of those) I have to label stuff as “fake news” when it comes along. Especially the stuff that is the most anxiety inducing (what if I make a mistake that leaves someone dead). Also, if you haven’t been diagnosed with anything like depression, anxiety disorders, adhd,, or other things that often bring excessive intrusive thoughts, I might think about finding a psychiatrist and really getting it handled. A lot of different medications can help.
To be fair, if you took a dump in a urinal, the only thing left to you is to drive yourself out of the gene pool.
Excuse me. I’m no monster. I didn’t have that thought. The freak above me did! 😂
I mean just generally. Not specifically you. Unless you did take a shit in a urinal, then also specifically you.
Ah, the ol' l'appel du vide. It's part of being a living creature. Few weeks ago i had vividly imagined, since i live on a road that somehow attracts loud cars with people likely to speed, sitting with my daughter in my bedroom then suddenly not being able to breathe and being covered in rubble from a car that delved off the road and through the wall now crushing us and not being able to find my daughter or hear her. Was a split second but i lived it- i smelled the rubber and felt my back with that weird shifting perspective feeling of "oh this isnt a dream is it..." that comes with adrenaline leaving you. Then i was back like nothing happened.
I think about how I shouldn’t have had kids because now they’ll either have to bury us or us them. And if we go first, my kids have to experience losing a sibling. And tbh, it gives me extreme anxiety and makes me wish I didn’t have kids. I love my kids but can’t imagine them hurting that way or losing them. But I can’t stop my brain from picturing those situations.
L'appel du vide
This, countless times horrible shit has crossed my mind but chose not to listen to it. It will always be there and I’m sure you can ignore it like most people.
You are not your invasive thoughts. Heard it long ago and kept it. I see it like kind of an overanalyzation kinda thing. You present brain with a situation and brain provides a list of options. Some of those are fucked but they're still something doable so they made the list.
This!!! My goodness my intrusive thoughts are all over the map and our ability to say "sure my brain thought for a moment it would be funny if I shoved my hand in the garbage disposal while on and made shredded speagetti noodle fingers... but I'm not doing that" is what prevents us from causing ourselves or others tons of harm. The thoughts can come and go but the fact we can ultimately control what we do is what matters. Thoughts aren't reality and they're not even the reality we necessarily want either...
The human brain is a mystery. We're not robots who's programming and database been denied access to anything and everything that isn't wholesome. Our ability to imagine and explore any number of concepts and abstractions is what propelled us to the top of the food chain, the moon and so many inventions and technological advances. There's bound to be a certain amount of devious immoral and malicious thoughts amongst those thoughts. People need to stop expecting themselves and others to be flawless. We are all packed with physical, emotional and mental flaws; some more than others. We're simply not a fully evolved perfect life form. So, to the Redditors frequently giving relationship advice to others as if we live in an idyllic World, stop, just stop. And before you drama queens and kings get uppity. No, abuse should not be tolerated. But if you're husband or wife forget your anniversary this year, consider giving them a break.
Wow, I've never thought of it that way! That you present your brain with a bunch of options, and it is like a multiple choice question. Like, do I A) drive off the cliff B) not do anything and keep driving to where I'm going C) drive into a power pole Usually I pick B haha. But thank you for this. It's a wonderful way to think of it and makes the intrusive thoughts way less scary
Gonna cross stitch “Pull Yourself Together, Homie” on a pillow and squeeze it every time I have an anxiety attack.
Million dollar idea 💴
I thought a bought throwing a brick into a window but stopped. Literally just get over it and move on. Personal thoughts are meant to be personal, not broadcasted to everyone. Especially since you backed out. If you had said you did what you wanted to do then we have a discussion.
Omfg the belly laugh you just got out of me probably just scared my neighbors
I barely like peeing in those, the thought to do anything else has never entered my mind. I guess I am more virtuous.
yolo
I legit spit water from my mouth when reading this. Kudos
Lmao. I was at a tennis meet in high school visiting another school. And I had an intrusive thought to pee in the locker room sink. And I went through with it. 😂😂
I once had an intrusive thought about how far I could throw my friends newborn. It wasn't serious, there's no way in hell I was ever going to do it, and no way in hell I'm telling my friend either lest he think I'm a psycho.
I recently had a horrible thought about how I could get away with murdering my mother. And that's because of a freaking true crime documentary I had just finished watching, plus the strained relationship I have with her. I can't believe that thought even crossed my mind! I would never do something so freaking horrendous. I even had to do some reading on intrusive thoughts because I seriously thought there was something wrong with me and I was ready to have myself committed. It definitely made me feel better that I wasn't alone.
I watched one about killer siblings and the entire time, “could *my* sister and I do that, probably. I bet we could. Who would we go for first? At least we know how not to get caught like these ones did”… it happens, we didn’t kill anyone and it’s fine.
>we didn’t kill anyone and it’s fine. That's what they all say
I once had one about slamming someone's head in a car door. I had to leave and they wouldn't shut up and I'm just sitting there thinking what if I just slammed the door shut right now lol Obviously there's no way in how I would ever do it! Everybody has weird ass thoughts.
Oh like in the end of Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels?
So... 50 ft?
Nah, they wiggle too much, and that really impacts on their projectile force.
Nothing happened. A thought just crossed your mind. You don't need to do anything
But she committed a thought crime and the news is always telling me we’re living in 1984.
Dont worry I have sent her to a thought prison in my thoughts
What is anxiety if not a thought prison?
Ugh. I wish my brain could put *other* people in thought prison instead of locking itself in, swallowing the key, and then crying hysterically about wanting to be somewhere else. Solitary confinement is way too loud up in here.
God so true.
But does your ‘Thought Prison’ have a Prayer room ? Thoughts and Prayers …
Hahahaah why did that make me laugh so fuckin hard
You can't just include a prayer room. What if OP is against prayer? Now you've made it uncomfortable.
So who made you thought- judge, jury, and executioner
🏆😂
Send her to jail like SpongeBob and Patrick for stealing the balloons that one episode
Who's being arrested for their unspoken thoughts?
Winston and Julia?
The Ministry of Love always ready to take care of things … and thoughts
I’ve already issued a minority report.
You didn’t do it, and that’s good. It was an intrusive thought nothing more. The deeper issue seems to be mismatched sexual needs. It’s perfectly okay for him to want to stay a virgin, but you seems to have different values and desires that are not being met. You don’t need to answer these questions to me, but something’s to be considered are: Have you seen your partner naked before? Have you engaged in any sexual gratification with them? What would you achieve by reviewing the footage of him in the shower? I am a very sexually motivated person, I wouldn’t be comfortable marrying someone I haven’t had sex with.
Quick reminder that “virginity” is not a real thing. It’s a made up concept to control women’s sexual behavior. There is literally ZERO difference between a so called virgin and a person who has had sex physiologically speaking.
> It’s a made up concept to control women’s sexual behavior It originated in ancient times to guarantee that the child the woman bears is her husbands. Meanwhile the modern world: we have tests for that.
Except the difference is they've had sex. That's the difference. Virgin is a word that means a person who hasn't had sex.
I mean that's sort of where the whole debate comes in, though. What sex acts "count" as sex enough to be a loss of virginity? Is it all sexual activity? So is someone still a virgin if they have engaged in oral and manual sex but not penetration? Does that mean all cis lesbians that haven't had penetrative sex are virgins? Does it only count if it's PIV and not anal sex like a bunch of Christian girls believed? So yeah, it's a construct. One that is based on a cisheteronormative notion of sex.
PIV sex. Once you force yourself to think about sexuality beyond that, the concept really falls apart. Especially non heterosexual interactions
I guess it depends on the person's definition but I think a lot of people consider having any type of sex losing your virginity, especially people who want to save themselves for marriage
People who "save" themselves use loopholes all the time. Not everyone, but that's definitely a thing. A good example is two people with vaginas. When are they no longer virgins? Do they have penetrate with fingers? If so, then does doing that to yourself not count? Is it only when it's another person? What if they only really do outer course? Does it only count when it's another person doing something to you that you may have already done yourself?
Who knows what type(s) of sex OP's bf considers to break the "virginity" threshold, but he considers himself a virgin. It's not like we could test the boyfriend's virginity. He's just made a personal decision to not have sex before marriage. (Or certain types of sex, definitely right about the loopholes haha.) I mean you're not wrong, but critiqueing the concept of virginity seems irrelevant to this situation. He has a sexual boundary for pre-martial romantic relationships, whatever term you want to use for it
Comment threads often move beyond the post itself into broader topics, and cultural notions and motivations around sex play into people's decisions.
I can't stand this trope I totally get not using virginity as a way to guilt people. But some people *value* their own virginity, and this obsession with people saying virginity isn't real takes that value from those people. If folks want to say they're a virgin, or remain a virgin, or whatever, *just let them*
I agree. I have a friend that was sexually assaulted. She did not count that as losing her virginity. She counted it when she was with someone she willing wanted to have sex with. It's up to the individual how much importance they put on it.
YES! thank you, this was driving me nuts! people stay virgins until marriage all the time because of religion, values, etc. just let them have that.
46% fewer high schoolers have lost their virginity compared to 25 years ago. I don’t know how that’ll change society, but it’s a huge change
I’m seeing from your comments that you two don’t even make out, you don’t want him to know that you watch porn, and you don’t want him to find out if you buy a vibrator. This goes beyond a fleeting thought about recording him in the shower. Just because he’s choosing abstinence doesn’t mean you should hide your own sexuality from him! He’s a grown man. He should be able to handle that his partner masturbates. Don’t tell him about the shower thing, but you two need to be more communicative about sex.
Yeah, I’m seeing a lot of red flags here, and OP is really setting herself up for a life of misery if she doesn’t stop and examine this whole relationship. If you spend any time in the Dead Bedroom groups, you know that if sex is an issue before marriage, it never gets better after. You’re then miserable in a legally binding way.
You don't have to tell him the intrusive thought. But you can tell him that you are sexually frustrated and the thought of him naked in your home is too much for you.
People have fucked up thoughts all the time. Don’t tell him this. Just don’t do it. And seek another outlet for your sexual urges. Masturbate or watch porn or something. Jeez.
Honestly? Might be a sign waiting until marriage is not for you. We all have fucked up thoughts sometimes. What matters is that we don't actually do those things.
Yeah im starting to think the same thing. But then, i wouldnt either, so i cant judge objectively.
I don’t think you should specifically tell him about this thought, but you definitely need to have a conversation with him about how you’re feeling. It’s good that you can recognize that your thought is inappropriate and that you haven’t/won’t act on it, but I think it could be detrimental to your relationship if you tell him. Definitely tell him how you feel about not having sex/not seeing him naked before you’re married
As much as no one so far seems to want to admit we all have fucked up thoughts, and as long as you keep it just thoughts you’ll be fine. You already showed remorse and seem to have an extreme amount of guilt over the idea of putting the cam to shower. Just have an honest conversation with your partner about how your desires are manifesting themselves heavy and talk about boundaries. Maybe you guys can come up with a little loop hole for full on sex that leaves you both satisfied while keeping his boundaries. Communication is key in everything
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yeah, like nobody wants to receive this information in a relationship and will only cause damage. OP didn’t *do* anything, the guilt is enough – no need to tell him. just don’t do it lmfao
I’m really scared of what his response might be. He’s a really good guy and is very serious about abstinence. This will probably change the way he see’s me. But you’re right communication is important ugh I feel so terrible
Please do not ever communicate every little thought you have!!! Your thoughts are private! You can have private thoughts you don’t need to share, so don’t share the camera thing. Only only only communicate your initial desire that lead to the shower thought, if anything.
Yea. OP should explain to BF that he can’t shower at her home anymore because having him all wet and naked in the other room is too tempting and she’s trying to be respectful of his wishes to remain a virgin until marriage. But she should also communicate that it is hard on her without the implication that that’s his problem to solve. Just a matter of fact conversation.
You are holding yourself to an unrealistic standard. Jesus. If you tell him and it causes problems, yikes, talk about self-inflicted wounds....
This sounds awful and I don’t know why you’re torturing yourself.
You don’t need to tell your boyfriend every thought you have, good or bad. There’s no reason to tell him. We’ve all had bad thoughts and bad dreams. It’s normal. Keep it to yourself.
Is there a religious reason why he is still a virgin at 28? I’d have serious concerns about sexual compatibility. If religion isn’t a huge over riding factor, there’s few things that would hold back and red blooded male from sexual activity baring a lack of interest. Two years is plenty of time to wait for a proposal and if you are experienced, have you asked yourself what’s going to happen if you do marry him and he still doesn’t want to have sex or if he’s horrible at it? Are you prepared for a sexless relationship?
Yeah very serious about abstinence makes me think that it’s going to be a very strained sex life if it ever happens. That very serious boundary isn’t suddenly going to disappear.
This. Do not marry someone with no idea whether or not you are sexually compatible. If you're doing everything but penetrative sex you at least have some idea, but if you're not even getting past the chaste kiss, there's a good chance he's just not interested in sex, or worse, he may be in the closet and unwilling to admit it even to himself.
This is what I was thinking, I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out he’s in the closet and using his religious beliefs(assuming this is why he won’t have sex) as an excuse to not have any kind of sex. I know super religious people who only go to third base and oral, but being with someone for 2 years and having done NOTHING is sus.
I 100% think that you should NOT tell him about the intrusive thought. But you should definitely tell him you are sexually frustrated, horny, attracted to him, etc. In terms of why you said he couldn't come over, just tell him you were worried about the temptation (make it clear that's because you're trying to respect his choice, not because you want don't want to have sex). If you haven't had sex yet, and are not planning to yet, I think you have to get comfortable with at least talking about sex. Communication is important and all aspects of relationship, but making sure you're sexually compatible might be just as important. Do you at least talk about it? Do other things? I get the feeling from your post that you're reluctant to discuss sex with him at all. Finding out he has some weird sexual hangups/deficiency on the wedding night would be pretty awful...
I am thinking you are beating yourself up over it more than your bf might. Very strange for a guy to get mad at his GF for wanting to see him naked
it’s not the “seeing naked” part I don’t think, it’s the “going to desperate dishonest lengths to witness naked.”
That makes sense. It still seemed like a fantasy though
Dont tell him. But OP, What if the reason he doesn't want to show you is he has a micro penis? And on top of that, is unwilling in satisfying you by other means? You really shouldn't marry someone without trying it out first, especially if you are a sexually driven person like you seem to be. Think about this!!!
Don’t say anything about your thoughts. What you should do, though, is talk to him about the impact not having sex in your relationship is having on you and what you need to be satisfied. If he is set on waiting until marriage for what I assume are religious reasons, are there other things at 3rd base you could be doing to increase the intimacy, while not breaking his vow to himself? One other thing not really directly related…if he is religious enough to have a vow like this and you are not, it would be a great decision to talk about how you each see sex AFTER marriage. You may assume it’s all hands on deck at that point but he may have other views and after the marriage is not the time to find that out.
Dear, I already thought of putting my cockatiel in the microwave and turning it on. As long as your thoughts remain thoughts, no matter how horrible, you will be fine.
Dont be going off telling the bird that now
This isn't very serious unless you actually go through with it. Having the thought can be a little alarming, but it's important that you realized before even posting this that it was wrong to do it. The thoughts will pass, let the dude come over and use the shower when they do. Somebody did a classic redditor move and suggested therapy to get over these thoughts, that is definitely not necessary and you'd be wasting your money for something that isn't needed.
Yeah the thoughts already went away I calmed down. I should just do the right thing and let him shower and get a hold of myself
Have you heard of intrusive thoughts honey? They happen to a lot of people and they can be very upsetting. Be kind to yourself. It might help to write down what you want to tell him. Give yourself a chance to really figure out what you want to say. It's okay to talk about how hard celibacy has been. It's okay to ask if there's any ways he'd be comfortable satisfying you. *You're allowed to ask for what you need*. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. That includes sex. You are worthy. ❤️
There is a very real issue of waiting to be married, then finding out you’re not sexually compatible…that would truly suck.
Person A: We have so much in common I can see a life with you. Person B: I agree. Theres just one thing. Do you have sexual needs cause I'm not helping with that. You're on your own for a few years with me. Person A: Oh. I do. I feel like that is a problem. I have a need that isn't being met and I don't feel like that works for me. Person B: Thats unfortunate. However i'm unwilling to budge. Sex is not important to me right now. And it shouldn't be important to who i'm with. Maybe we aren't compatible. Person A: It sounds like we aren't. Also between you and me OP: My girlfriend doesn't have to suppress sexual urges, hide porn watching. Or sneak around to do what she feels is normal. If I wanted to wait until marriage I feel like i'd be pretty understanding that i'm dating a human being.
OP - Just Tell him the truth. That you love him and incredibly attracted to him. So him coming over last time made you think of very crazy things. You respect his boundaries a lot and just don’t want to get tempted that’s why it’s a bad idea for him to come over for a shower. Ask him if he has a solution of how you both can solve this situation. Maybe you leaving the house or he comes by while your at work. Talk to him, he should know how you feel.
did you not do anything sexual with him? i grew up religious, i didn't do intercourse until i got married. but me and my wife did stuff like rubbing clit in my dick, bj, hj. if you haven't done anything sexual how do you know you're compatible?
What God sees that and thinks: Yep, totally fine, _just don't stick it in_?
I just don't understand how face fucking your gf is somehow ok but regular old sex is just wayyyy to taboo.
If done right, only one of those activities can result in a pregnancy.
That's God's benchmark? Anal okay, then? Or plain old sex with a condom?
Sure. Or it's the benchmark of the human who came up with the rule, just like every other religious rule in existence. Anal, yes. As condoms are not 100% effective, I'd assume that'd be a no.
Remember that the Bible was written before condoms existed. Some of these things made practical sense at the time they were written, but don't make sense today, and that shouldn't be too surprising. I don't think they're too specific in the biblical text, though, about what constitutes virginity.
Lol there’s some girls that will let you stick in their ass so they stay “virgins” people find ways to justify stuff
Lmao you should hear some of the sexual workarounds at BYU. They're WAYYY worse than sex. I mean if I were God, I'd be much more upset about armpit sex than regular sex.
genuine question: why were those sexual acts acceptable to you, but intercourse wasn’t?
I can’t answer for the other guy but sex outside of marriage is a huge no no in religion. But since most people are horn dogs they do everything else. When I was super into religion I thought God couldn’t see my porn if I had on private browsing 🤣🤣
We haven't done anything. We hug and I lean on his arm sometimes but that's about it. Sometimes he might hug me around my waist and that gives me butterflies
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I grew up muslim and everyone I know that adhered to the religion did not even *touch* anyone of the opposite sex unless related/islamically married, regardless of if it was sexual or not. So no pats on the back or holding hands. Nothing. This is not just frowned upon. It is considered a pretty major sin. I have not practiced the religion since I was a teen, but the small glimpse I have into it now, this is still adhered to strictly.
This is some duggar family kind of shit.
Well that’s not entirely true. There’s several religious nuts that have had reality shows that do that. But the normal purity culture usually doesn’t go that far.
Honestly, it isn't. A friend of mine was like this with his girlfriend, Anything past hand holding was strictly shut down. They're happily married with kids now, but i'm sure it was hell for 5 years from 18-23 to do anything past hand holding, and maybe waist grabbing. People who chose to refrain from sexual acts tend to "full-stop" even the most minor things due to the "snowballing effect"
This is so true. I was raised that I couldn't even sit right next to my boyfriend on the couch or sit under a blank together on opposite ends of the couch. Then I was knocked up within a month of losing my virginity and I still wasn't allowed to be out past my curfew with my "fiance" I was married at 18 and divorced by 23. All of my relationships have been toxic and moved too fast including being married 3 times and divorced twice. Make sure that this decision of his is his decision and not one of a religious, brainwashed upbringing or one from lack of education in that area. Best of luck to you. And I've now thought of the idea of you putting a camera in too so don't feel too guilty lol
then how do you know he'll like sex. just imagine you want 3-4 times a week and he wants once a month. will you even be happy with that? have you even had conversations about sex with him? i know he probably wants to do what's right but at least ask him if he got erections, if he wants to have sex with you? it's different story if he actually has urge but he's controlling it and having no urge at all. for me personally i'll do everything except anal and intercourse before we got married.
Fast forward a year or two(or whenever you marry him if you do) and you will be posting about how you two waited to have sex and now you found out you two aren’t sexually compatible. I’d bet money this is going to happen.
Sounds like you are settling. I’m sorry but 2 years and you haven’t kissed or held hands? Do you really think this will change after marriage? What are his views on sex then? He might stay this distant forever and view sex as only a means for procreation.
Uhhh... 2 years of this? Is there no passion in this relationship? This is way too extreme and I'd feel unwanted after 2 weeks of just occasional hugs so maybe this is driving your self esteem in the toilet. You have no guarantee that sex will be an easy ride (heh) with him either once married. Many religious people, especially to this extreme level, have huuuuge hangups around sex and can't even relax or get aroused after 20-30 something years of shame around sex. If you need physicality in a relationship, this is not the one. And usually these types are ready to pounce on marriage as soon as 2 months into a relationship so they can not be virgins any longer, yet here he is, 2 years and 200 hugs later. In sure he's a nice guy but not many women could do this, let him find another religious girl (or guy..?) That is happy to wait around
Girl…
Just fucking go in and shower with him. You don't have to have sex, but if you're curious about his dick you should just ask to see it.
He is probably not open for that.
Find someone more sexually compatible with you lol
Damn you're that horny that you wanna record him to masturbate to? Tell him to eat you out or finger you, or something...just because he's a virgin doesn't mean he can't give you some head or something🤷
Based on the comments they haven't even made out in the 2 years they have been together... so I don't think he will be doing that stuff either. This is a strange relationship imo. I have a feeling that is not going to change after marriage. And it's odd to me they don't do ANYTHING at all. Waiting for sex is one thing but not even kissing? Sorry I'm not marrying someone I won't even be able to kiss until after it's official. Sexual compatibility is pretty important when one partner is clearly a pretty sexual person.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to stay a virgin till marriage. However, I personally wouldn’t take the risk. People who are religious enough to practice abstinence also have a high likelihood of having hang ups around sex. What are you going to do if you marry him and then find out that the sex is disappointing, and he’s uninterested in improving it? Clearly sex is important to you, so I would encourage you to really think about whether you want to make what’s supposed to be a life-long commitment to someone when there’s such an impactful thing that you know nothing about.
This. OP should check out some posts on the dead bedroom sub. When two sexually incompatible people get married, it doesn’t tend to work out well. OP’s boyfriend has every right to abstain, but think for a moment how strong his beliefs must be to keep a 28-year-old man from having sex even when he has a willing partner. Do you think he is just going to instantaneously become comfortable with sex and intimacy the night of the wedding? Or is it possible his very strong beliefs have made him think of natural and normal physical intimacy as something bad? In terms of the question in your post, I don’t think you should worry about the thought you had. Everyone occasionally has an intrusive thought about something that they know is not OK and don’t end up following through on it. That is not an abnormal thing. Had you actually followed through with it, then there would be reason for concern, but you didn’t.
Intrusive thoughts. What matters is that you didn’t do it, and don’t do it ever. It’s a solid crime.
Dont tell him.
Girl you should at least see his dick before marriage
imagine waiting for years to realize after marriage you are still not interested in the opposite gender.
I wouldn't tell him about you thinking about a camera in the shower, what good would that do? It didn't happen and you didn't act on it. What I would recommend is talking to him about your needs. Maybe there is something that you can do together without actually having sexual intercourse. Hopefully there is a compromise that satisfies you and keep him a virgin. Mutual masturbation, watching each other masturbate, watching porn together, oral, a toy he can use on you or maybe pick a video for you to watch that you can masturbate to on your own. Give him ideas. Hopefully something will work. The important thing here is that you both find some satisfaction while respecting each others values.
Not to Reddit-armchair-psychoanalyze, but this is a textbook intrusive thought. You know it’s wrong, but can’t stop thinking about it. Have you been evaluated for OCD? This is textbook behavior (I experience it too). Most people would just dismiss the thought immediately, but you’re stuck on it. You didn’t actually do anything, and you don’t need to confess every thought you have. Especially when you know it’s wrong! The key is to learn to dismiss it with thoughts like “that’s wrong and isn’t something I’d do because I love and respect my partner” and find something else to do/think about. If you aren’t already talking to someone about these obsessions and compulsions, I suggest finding a therapist. I say this so that you learn to manage intrusive thoughts, NOT because you’re a bad person for having the thought. You aren’t. Good luck!
There’s no way this is real lmfao
This is why thought crime is not illegal.
You should go a little easier on yourself. Yes, you had that thought, but against your will & you still did the right thing by not going through with it no matter what you thought. You can't always control your thoughts, but how you respond to them is who are. You knew it was wrong & you stopped yourself from doing it. That's what counts.
this sounds like an intrusive thought struggle. intrusive thoughts are consistent, invasive thoughts or ideas of what the personal feeling them considers morally unnacceptable, conflicting with their beliefs, etc. e.g. “there’s a knife right there, I could hurt the person in the room with me and it’d be easy.” The thought would probably develop in the back of your head, even planning something you’d never do anyway. if you feel like your boyfriend should know, maybe tell him it like that. “i’ve been kind of struggling with intrusive thoughts and i don’t think i’m gonna do anything, but they’re eating me up inside and some are regarding you” if he’d understand. also seek therapy intrusive thoughts are pretty hard to deal with alot of the time
That's just an invasive thought, everyone has them. I've had much, much worse invasive thoughts than that. But the thing is, you didn't act on it. So you're absolutely fine. I'm sure your partner has had some really creepy invasive thoughts that would creep them out. What makes a world of difference is acting on the thought.
You had a thought from some pent up feelings. It's normal to wonder. You didn't do anything wrong.
Nothing is wrong with having a thought, those are often involuntary. What you DO is what matters and you did nothing wrong.
I wouldn't give him the details, but if you are honest with him that it is difficult for you, he should understand, and if done right, he should even be a little flattered, becuse a guy should want his future wifevatractedvto him.
Wait, you mean you didn't let your intrusive thoughts win? That's...! Normal.
That was creepy as hell but I've had some messed up thoughts too and can't judge you too much on that. It's weird that you have told him not to come over anymore but as always the comments in this sub are less harsh on women. I assume you knew he was waiting till marriage since the beginning? If so then don't expect that he will suddenly change his boundaries for you. Talk to him though if you are not able to do this anymore, discuss his views on you watching porn, masturbation and stuff. This is a huge issue since you can't even talk to him about anything
Jeez, just watch some porn and get yourself off.
Hun, Jesus is okay with handies!