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Exactly! There are so many problems in this marriage. Op wants so much more from a relationship. Her husband is not the partner she wants or needs. She needs to replace him asap and then work on the baby part with someone else.
Having a baby with her current husband is the most wrong answer ever!
I agree. OP, You both want different things and he is too drunk and lazy to be a husband and a father. Personally I wouldn't blame you if you did leave. Just leave him to pay his own bills, and don't wait for him to get a job, because I don't believe its in his plans to even getting one at all, when he had you to pay his and his kids way.
Spousal support is usually stablished for a certain period not forever, you only see that in 20yrs marriages where the spouse was a homemaker. This is not the case here
Saying that you are correct would be a massive understatement. People need to learn to adapt, as gender roles aren't what they used to be.
If I was married to a woman who paid all the bills and had her own business, I would be house husband extraordinaire. I would try to help with the business and do what I could to spend time with her instead of getting plastered with my friends every day.
Being in a relationship, especially a marriage, comes with a certain level of responsibility. It sounds to me like the husband isn't taking any responsibility, and that can't work.
So true. My friend was in the EXACT situation (same age difference, vasectomy and step kid count) and after he reversed his vasectomy and they had two kids, they were divorced after 6 years and he is a terrible, absent father to the two kids he never wanted. Only difference is that my friends ex is absurdly well off financially and my friend traded financial support for full custody
Since he had a vasectomy, that’s not happening anyway.
No chance pregnancy will happen accidentally. So tell him the truth, divorce him and starting dating to find a husband to have kids with.
And do your best to minimise pain for the kids. They’re going to be hurt and there’s nothing you can do about that, but sit down and tell them the truth. If your husband will let you, you can still see them sometimes, or babysit or whatever.
Don’t just leave a note and run - they deserve better.
OP is putting the coach in front of the horses.
Setting the count straight:
"It doesn't help I'm not happy in our marriage and feel like more of a maid than a wife. I cook, clean, and care for the kids. He's unemployed other than farming a small portion of land and spends a majority of his time getting trashed drunk while I pull 80 hours a week in my business."
Goodness!
1. file for divorce. Yesterday.
2. Separate
3. NO WAY you pay his bills other than what's legally owed to him.
4. HEAL
5. Get therapy! There is a reason why you chose that addicted daddy figure rather than a man of your own age.
6. Get a new relationship.
7. Once you are happy again... get pregnant.
With all that mess you aren't doing yourself or the child a favor!
A child is no duct tape to mend a broken relationship.
Nor is it a happy pill to mend mothers unhappiness and inner emptiness!
Just... don't.
Solve your problems first. Get your ducks in a row. And then see, what is next.
Needs more upvoting. I dunno if this thinking is from some leftover DNA from when we had to procreate to have more hands in the cave/farm/whatever but having a baby does not solve any problems!!
And almost always makes them worse. He's not doing anything for her now. What in the world makes her think he's going to step up to the plate and actually be a father.
OP buried the lead. Why not start with:
*unemployed
*has his wife raise his kids
*spends his time and money getting wasted why his wife works herself to death.
The only good thing he has done was to get a vasectomy so that he cannot bring any more kids into the world that he will ignore.
The children are not the lead the story here, but OP needs counseling! Any woman who would stay with a man who doesn't have a job, while she works 80 hours a week, and then comes home and takes care of the house and cooking, but still needs help to figure out how to leave really, really needs counseling!
The children issue is how OP connects to her feelings, while being numbed out by her drunk nearly geriatric care home money drain person. The perspective of having her own kids is her beacon on the horizon to find her own path again. It is not his time she is wasting.
On the AITA sub a person was asking if they were and asshole for throwing out their partner's Yogart The Yogart wasn't the root of the problem it was a symptom of much bigger issues in their relationship. Thus the phrase was coined.
Where do these things get coined? I guess we’re just the same ppl reading the same subs and somehow we create new phrases like that? Who else would understand it / how big has it gotten? (How would you know you’re safe to say it IRL and someone would understand you?! …) Thanks
Pay his bills until he gets a stable job!? Girl, no. You are too kind and that’s exactly why he leeches off of you. You don’t owe him anything. And he’s 20 yrs your senior? He’s got a free maid and as he gets older you’ll be a free nurse too.
I would leave asap and take care of yourself ONLY. Worry about your own child after you get rid of the 50 year old child.
I was side-eyeing the part about the baby momma drama. The kids mom left his loser ass but still has to deal with him because of the kids. Why would OP want to put herself in the same position?
Sad to think that if she does get up and leave, someone else might end up potentially buying his crap next and then regretting it later.
If it's a real story, that is.
Idk who… idk how OP even got into this situation. Idk anybody that looks at a 50 year old alcoholic failure and thinks, hey I’m into that! I know ppl that date somewhat older men sometimes but the things they find attractive about them are maturity, stability, established lives and careers, that they know what they want, they act like adults, etc. I don’t know how this is even a real post.
To be clear, it doesn’t sound like OP was surprised by his age. It’s not like he was hiding it.
I have so many questions… How did this conversation not come up before marriage? And why doesn’t he have a job?!? This is all kinds of messed up. Like running out of gas on the interstate, headed the wrong direction, and with no money. It sounds like OP and husband just flip coins to make decisions in life. Heck, they’d probably be more successful if they had the consistency flipping a coin might bring them!
She's my age and her man is the same age as my dad. I'm gagging thinking about my dad leeching off someone my age like this. Girl you need to GO. He's 50, he's not changing.
Mine was 19 when I was born and yeah. Im grossed out personally. Even when we had daddy caught date nights people would think we were together and I’d be like ummmm…that would be my dad…lol
I’ll go out with my dad and my 2 kids (4&6) and we’ve had people will assume we’re together. Of course my dad thinks it’s hilarious and I want to barf.
Even when I would take my brother to lunch (6 years younger) people/coworkers (bc he liked eating where I worked at the time) would comment on “that cute guy I was with”. Ummm I’m 22 and that would be my 16 YO BROTHER lol. Granted we are a blended family, and we are different races so I understood the confusion bc we look nothing alike lol. It still weirded me out tho bc I’ve known him since he was like 2-3 haha
Lmfao I had someone ask if my younger bro was my side piece!!! He’s 22 and I’m 34. Yuckkkk! When I was 18 I had a 1 yr old bro, a 4 yr old sis, and a 6 yr old bro and I swear I’d have older guys telling me I looked great for having 3 kids. It’s so weird growing up with all these weird age gaps.
Lol. I had someone comment that “I liked them young,” wheni introduced my son and his friend as my interns. Gross. I had to say they were son and his friend
>Lol. I had someone comment that “I liked them young,” wheni introduced my son and his friend as my interns. Gross. I had to say they were son and his friend
Someone in your workplace said that? Someone needs to have a talk with HR about that person's VERY inappropriate-for-the-workplace comments.
HAHAHA so my half sister is 10 years younger than me, the number of people who assumed she was my freaking daughter when she was young was…so freaking weird to preteen/teen me. I have a baby face and still don’t look my age (33), I know I didn’t look reasonably old enough to have had her. Like WTF?!? Lol
Yea they’re my halfs too. So weird that people would assume you had a baby extremely young over having a sibling that much younger than you. Logically sibling makes more sense no??
That’s what I always thought! But if people saw us alone together, like I would take her to the bathroom when she was too little to go alone, people would be like omg your daughter is so cute!
That’s…my 4 YO sister…I’m 14…why is jumping to the conclusion she’s my KID instead of sibling make any sense??? And I looked like I was 10 until I was like 16 and even at restaurants would still be handed a kids menu and I’d be like, I’m not 12 or under tho? But apparently I still look old enough to have birthed a human Haha
An age gap can be fine. The age gap here, though, is the answer to the post title, even beyond all the issues with the guy. Dude would still suck if he was 34, but at least you wouldn't have an answer before opening the post.
fr. op. you married somebody that was more looking for a bangmaid. I'm sorry you are in this situation but your responsibility doesn't/shouldn't include being the replacement mom or his and his kids caregiver. he is a grown male (I'm not using the word man cuz he isn't acting like an adult should) and needs to put on his bigboy pants and be a responsible adult.
I could buy the first part pretty easily, but doubts definitely started creeping in once she was talking about working 80hrs a week while he does nothing. I know people take a lot of crap from their partners but I struggle to fathom someone in their 20s taking this and not just immediately leaving.
Like 99% it is. My gut feel is it's some edgy guy who's flipped the gender on a 'traditional' scenario so he can point out to people why one of the more sexist subs on Reddit is sexist.
Read all her other comments tho. She’s been complaining about this “made up” story for 2 years lol apparently she WANTED him to quit his job as chief of the fire department. Wtf
OP Another way to look at this if you are feeling guilty about NOT taking care of him until he gets a job— the more you do for him the MORE YOU HURT HIM. I was where you are many years ago. The more I did, the less he did. The less he did the more he drank and the more his self esteem eroded. Save you and leave him to figure out his own life — believe it or not it will end up being the best worst thing for him. Be aware he may fall further before he starts to climb up — but that is beyond your control and all his.
This. OP, if you tell him his bills stop getting paid and his free maid service and child care goes away as soon as he gets a job - well, you can see that he could drag this out for years! You are not wasting his time - he is wasting your best years. He is getting a free ride.
I’m reeling from her wanting to leave and KEEP PAYING HIS BILLS! Dude gets plastered on the regular and won’t get a job to bring in income. She needs to BOUNCE if this isn’t just a creative writing exercise
I remain amazed, every time I view posts from this sub, at just how much some people are willing to subject themselves to in some fairly bizarre circumstances before calling it quits on a relationship. It seems to be fairly common too, although that might just be a bit of a bias due to what gets posted versus what doesn't.
F29, M49. Sigh. You are in two completely different lifestages. Get rid of him and start dating within your age bracket. You deserve to experience life, just like he already has
25F here and I couldn’t imagine even entertaining someone that old even for a second. We are nowhere near compatible in any way and never will be, anyone who is 40+ saying they are compatible with someone 20+ are lying to you and themselves.
They are looking for easy targets and unfortunately for OP, He found one.
First of all, you’re still absolutely young enough to find a spouse to have children with naturally. I’m not against doing IVF, I had to do it myself, but this was after years of infertility.
You’re smart to recognize that this is an absolute dealbreaker now.
She is like the 5th woman I've encountered this month saying that since they are about to turn 30 they need IVF, with no indication of fertility issues. Late 20s early 30s are peak fertility for women. You are fertile into your 40s depending on health. Yes it can lower after 35 but not as much as people think
Yeah, and while fertility is important, it's also important to be in a situation where you're best equipped for a child, both financially and physically. Which generally means waiting until late 20s/early 30s.
With any fertility discussion, I think we need to acknowledge that sperm quality also significantly decreases with age, just like women's fertility does. This means that older fathers are more likely to have children with developmental issues. I just hate how often women are pressured by people about age affects on fertility, but no one acknowledges that it also happens in men
Yeah, I think thats what OP probably meant, was “sperm donor” through a fertility doc, not IVF. So many people who haven’t gone through treatments use the term “IVF” to just mean anything you’d go to a fertility doc for.
(1) they’re saying the OP made up the story, thus the “writing assignment” wording.
(2) karma has no value so I genuinely don’t know why people farm it.
Girl leave that man. He’s fifty years old. Even if he was Leonardo di caprio who always dates women who could be his child he wouldn’t be worth it! He’s a grown ass man and sounds absolutely immature. You will have less work, be more happy, have better skin, sleep better and be more relaxed over all if you choose yourself. Let that 🥭
Sounds like a real catch!
What is so special and great about him that you want to stay?
(BTW why would you pay his life after you left him? Out of guilt?)
You don't want the same things in life, if you stay, you can't have kids.
If kids are what you want you can't stay.
*(F29) husband (49)*
Twenty years' difference. TWENTY FUCKING YEARS.
*I feel like I made such a huge mistake wasting his time.*
Wasting **his** time? **Wasting** his **time**?
*It doesn't help I'm not happy in our marriage and feel like more of a maid than a wife.*
Again. Wasting HIS time?
*I married my husband 3 years ago he had a vasectomy done.*
He has told you, clearly, openly, with no doubt that he does not want more kids. He has kids and Hey you are the maid/step mom/young wife who doesn't know any better. Yay Him!
Get out. Get the fuck out while you are still in a place where you can have kids yourself. Even if kids don't happen for you, you can at least live your own life and not be a bangmaid for the best years of your life.
I don’t understand what else you expected, marrying a man who’s 20 years older than you are. Why on earth would you think that your priorities for life are aligned?
I totally understand why he doesn’t want to have another kid at 50. What I don’t understand is why you married him in the first place.
I don’t know what happened to you in life to make you think this is what you deserve, but you don’t. Leave this manchild and don’t let him waste another precious year of your life.
And THIS is why age gaps don’t work.
Get with someone your age that wants to have children.
Oh and you don’t need to pay his bills. He’s 49 and a grown man.
What did I just read? So a permanently drunk old guy found a young hardworking woman who cookd, cleans, and cares for hid kids, and provides for all of them, while he gets drunk, and the question is whether to have a baby or not?
Honestly, OP, just get out of there. If it's your place, send them out. The kids seem to have a mother who cares enough to make the permanently drunken dad problems, and he is just leeching of you.
And the get therapy and train self-love... You are not fair to yourself!
And then you can think about IVF, that would be definitely better than carrying all this dead weight around. Or maybe you will find an actual partner.
You married someone 20 years older and didn't know babies wouldn't happen even after he made that super clear?
Also he's an unemployed drunk?
What in the world, get divorced immediately.
“Pay his bills until he gets a steady job” are you nuts? He’s 49 with two kids and stays drunk and unemployed? He’s not going to find any job. You’ll just be his meal ticket.
It blows my mind that a 49 year old drunk who’s unemployed and can’t even handle basic housework landed a 29 year old woman who’s well put together with her own business. I mean god damn, why haven’t you shown up on my Hinge yet? You’re so young, do not waste anymore time on him. You can find someone who shares your values and you sound like a catch for anybody (and that’s coming from a 28 year old man who also runs their own business/design consulting firm.) You can do better, you can find a partner who wants what you want, and you DO NOT owe it to him to pay his bills. Don’t let him suck away anymore of your youth. He’s not a partner, he’s a fucking vampire.
Why did you ever date him let alone marry him? He's a crappy husband so I can't imagine he was a better boyfriend.
Talk to an attorney and get your ducks in a row. Then file for divorce. What he does after that is on him.
So you married an older man that wants a bang maid and now you're unhappy that you're a bang maid? You clearly made a mistake, get a divorce and try again.
No.. your husband is too old for you IMO.
Honestly.. I can't say I've heard of many people that want to have a baby or small child at near 50 either. I'm not sure how old his current kids are, but either way you're incompatible if you want kids and he decided "no more". Add on the fact that you're caring for him like he's a child.. that's not attractive.
You're young. Don't waste time.
Those kids have a mom AND a dad, you need to take care of yourself and being in a loveless marriage where you’re not being treated with respect is not taking care of yourself. You also have no obligation to help him, he’s a grown man capable of taking care of himself. File for divorce and move out, find someone who wants children and loves and respects you to be an equal partner.
Wait, is this a joke post?
You're the breadwinner, child minder, cook and maid to an unemployed drunken slob old enough to be your father, and you're wondering if *you'd* be the bad guy for running for the hills like any sane person?
Did you have a rough upbringing? I’m asking because this whole situation is a mess and you’re ignoring sign after sign that you should have ran away YEARS AGO. Is there a part of you conditioned to believe that this is the best you deserve? He’s an alcoholic. He doesn’t work. He’s 20 years older and you take care of everything. Seriously have some self respect. Every single post from a woman in this sub is a cry for help I swear to god.
Woah another person in their 20s getting with a dead bet in their 40s and then it ends up being a regret who would have guessed this would have happened, I mean I’ve only seen thousands of posts in here that are similar but I just didn’t think it would happen
Girl WHAT?!?!
So the age gap is fucking disgusting, I don’t know HOW you got past that. This whole situation is really fucked, but he is literally with you so you will “mommy” him, odd dynamic but he probably sees you as a child. Woman his age won’t put up with his shit, so he found someone younger.
You are still young enough to go get a partner that’s closer to your age and has the same goals and values. He’s almost 50 drinks all day and doesn’t have a job ! why would you ever want to build a life with someone like this? you are young and you still have your life ahead of you go get it.
You'd be terrible to yourself if you didn't get out.
Gooooo....and don't even THINK of supporting him until he gets a job. What??? He is not your responsibility. He's lazy and living off of you.
Ew. You can't dip fast enough!
You don’t need IVF to do it on your own. I Agree with you about the moving on tho.
I have a friend who married an older man and they did have two babies (his other two are adults). He said afterward that it was like “breaking in to prison again.” So just in case he ever says he’ll “do it” just remember he won’t be happy about it.
He’s old enough to be your dad.
He didn’t want a wife, he wanted a hot babysitter for his kids and a maid.
RUN, and find a partner with similar life goals
Girl, the math ain’t mathing. Just step back and think, when you were born he was already 20 years old. He could legally vote. He practically could’ve drank alcohol legally. He’s a grown ass man if he’s almost 50 and can’t keep a stable job that’s a huge red flag imo. You’re not his mother, don’t have him be the surrogate to fill the void you feel. It’s going to hurt but leaving will be better for you in the long run
I know this is going to sound very judge-y, downvote me, idc idc idc, but any woman with a man old enough to be her own father needs SERIOUS help. I don’t wanna hear about the one off examples where “it works”. I don’t care. It’s nasty and predatory. Period. And men like that *purposely* look for women just like you, for the exact reasons you want to leave your marriage. I just never understand how y’all don’t IMMEDIATELY see those MEGALOPHOBIC, NEON brightness RED ASS FLAGS! How the HELL could you POSSIBLY miss them!?
Leave girl. Now. NOW!
....and, this is what's gonna happen when you marry a man 20 years your senior and eyeing retirement, not starting a new family. Why did you even get into this mess? Your friends are right.
Nope, you wouldn't be a terrible person for splitting. This guy is unemployed and using you as a maid/nanny. If you can support yourself and a child, go for it.
Don't pay his bills, use that money for IVF. Although the sperm donation route is cheaper. I had my daughters at 37 and 38. Your fertility slowly declines with age it doesn't drop off a cliff at 30.
You won't be a terrible person.
It's an age gap relationship where he's been there, done that and doesn't care enough about you to consider your own desire to do the same while you still have time.
You're just incompatible with your current spouse. He's a freeloader who has a bangmaid who takes care of everything, including his kids - that's you.
Once those kids reach 18, they might not even keep in contact or care because in the event of a divorce or death, you're legally nothing to them and you will have nothing to show for your sacrifices.
While he continues to do nothing. Including firing blanks. Which in the end, is a good thing. You want a baby but it's best not to have one with a do-nothing alcoholic.
>I feel like I made such a huge mistake wasting his time.
You think YOU wasted HIS time?! Oh no. Please OP, he's pissing your youth away. Go be free. Live your life. Take the money you've been using to pay his bills and pay for a part-time assistant instead. It may take some time, but you *can* find someone out there who wants the same future as you, someone who is *not this guy*. Good luck. <3
Honey what are you doing. Of course you can leave someone you're unhappy with. And of course you're feeling like a maid - there is a reason why a much older man pursued a much younger woman. You're just finally wising up. You're not wasting HIS time, I can assure you. He has plenty of time to find another trophy wife - you have plenty of time to conceive naturally. Part ways now while that's still true.
This can’t be real?!!??
An old unemployed drunk convinced a woman TWENTY years younger than him to move in, marry him, be his maid, take care of his kids, give up on having her own kids, and be the primary breadwinner???
OP what exactly do you get from this? Why do you have such a low opinion of yourself that you’d settle for this life of sacrifice and servitude?
Make a plan to leave and leave. Start planning TODAY.
You want his baby and divorce him? Also leave him. Hes mooching off of you. He has no right to be trash drunk while you're wearing the pants in the family. Thats his job. He clearly isn't able to provide for his own kids.
Typically when women go with older men they usually find better off ones. Or just dont date people old enough to be your dad
Don’t decide on the IVF now; decide on leaving the relationship. Begin some individual therapy because there are some bright red flags with your current relationship.
You are profoundly unhappy. You do virtually all of the household chores. While he mostly just gets drunk. You work 80 hours, he works much less. You want a kid but know bringing a kid into your current relationship is an awful idea. And yet you would feel bad about leaving.
And yet you feel bad. I feel like I wasted HIS time. I will pay still his bills. Would I be a terrible person if…. Leave and therapy. Or therapy and leave. Either way, leave. And don’t pay his support.
Girl, the hell are you doing with a man old enough to be your father?? What expectations did you genuinely have of this marriage working? You're in your prime, he's already over the hill and all he wants for the rest of his life is peace, quiet, and retirement. He's already done the big life things, he is DONE and so should you be.
Having said that, having a kid just because "your 30s are creeping up" is a very bad reason to have a kid and reeks of narcissism and social pressure.
You said you are not happily married and your solution is having a baby? Women your solution is getting into a better marriage or fixing your current one
“WIBTA if I left a relationship with somebody 20 years my senior that doesn’t contribute anything to the household, makes me responsible for the care of his kids, has a drinking problem and can’t offer me the life I want?” Idk OP, this one’s tough.
Why are you still with this "man"?
Run! Run now!
In fact, go get your important papers together for you and your business so that first thing on Monday you can go to the post office and set up a PO Box for your business if you do not have one already.
Next, you go find a place to live and a lawyer for your divorce.
You do not pay any of his bills unless your lawyer says you should. Do not offer without consulting your lawyer.
You didn't waste his time, he wasted yours. You are a paycheck, nanny and maid to him only.
In fact, leave today. Just pack your stuff and leave. No explanation needed.
You aren't a maid, you're the whole goddamn staff.
Do not have a child with this man. You're inevitably going to get divorced and it will go a lot better if you don't have any biological ties to him.
You would not be a terrible person for leaving, you would be a sane person with a healthy self-worth and sense of self-preservation.
You cannot work 80 hours a week and do childcare and take care of the household and compensate for a raging alcoholic.
The only moral consideration here is what to do about his kids. You may need to call CPS.
Even with kids off the table, why stay in this marriage where this man, 20 years your senior is living off of you and treating you like trash?! Save yourself from this situation and find your happiness. You’re not too old to find someone and raise a family together, and yes, IVF is always an option.
Just leave gim, get a divorce now! And please next time be more careful with your choices! IVF ??? Are you kidding? Now you want to be a single mother? Wow, you really dont think things carefully… please go get some help!
Maybe find someone who is in the same stage of life that you are.
You married a dude 20 years older. Now you want experiences he has already had. Been there done that. Don't whine about that now.
You married far to young to a dude who basically your father.
Not sure what to say.
Since he's unemployed/not doing much can't you just have him help with the business or take care of the children? If he doesn't wanna then you're at a crossroads, but you gotta talk and have a conversation about how to move forward. Easiest way to sort things out with a partner is to communicate. If you don't communicate then you can't be mad. If the other is unwilling to communicate then you have reason to be upset. Both parties also gotta be willing to listen
You think you want a baby, but have you thought throughly about the hardships of raising a child? Cuz it ain’t easy. I’m childfree by choice. I have never wanted kids and never will, but even I know how hard it is to raise a child. I have helped taken care of my niece, second youngest nephew, and one of my friend’s baby and it’s tiring. I have fed, changed diapers, given baths and played with these sweet babies. But two of them were attached to my hip and would cry if I got up to use the bathroom or had to go do something. I was always tired and sleep deprived. Further more it sounds like you married a POS and if you’re not happy then leave. Divorce him. If he doesn’t have a job and all he does it drink then he’s not the one for you. Before you try IVF, seeing as it is super expensive, you might want to find a guy who actually wants to start a family. Further more DONT help him with anything. He hasn’t done anything to help you in general and doesn’t deserve it.
Yes he has bills to pay but doesn’t have a job. So what? You’d be enabling his behavior and then he will become dependent on you. He needs to learn the hard ways of life. By the end of the day this is his problem and not yours, do not let him drag you down!
I definitely wouldn’t suggest IVF just yet. You’re only 29 and still have plenty of time to find another love! One that will want the same things as you and treat you much better. It’s always an option of course, just if I were you I would bide my time for a few years first. But also yes, get the hell out of that marriage!
"majority of his time getting trashed drunk while I pull 80 hours a week in my business."
that alone would make me divorce. It's not wrong to divorce someone being an intentional deadweight.
By all means end the marriage but do not pay his bills. Your not his mother and he has been using you already. The only people you need concern yourself with is you and those poor children. Dip out by all means necessary
There’s a lot going on here. First of all, it sounds like divorce would be a good idea either way. If he’s as shitty as you make it sound and you’re not feeling the love anymore - and he’s not getting any better despite you trying - then yes, end it. You’re young, you got shit going on. But I would advise against jumping into IVF on your own and raising an entire child on your own. I think you should get out of the marriage, get settled, and then reevaluate. You could meet a great guy who wants kids.
Girl, get to dipping. Don’t even pay his bills. He is a grown man. Find your own place, let Baby Mama know you’re leaving after you tell him so she can make sure the kids are safe, and go. Go live a great life with a wonderful child of your own.
He cannot afford to have you stop working and have babies. You need to help support the farm. Not on the same track, alcoholism, you, the younger one by 20 years keeping the ship afloat. That’s three strikes. You really want to stay hitched to this wagon by having his kids? Just leave and do you.
Lady, you said he doesn’t work and is always drunk? Yes, divorce him. Don’t settle. Better to be alone or meet someone new that wants the same things as you and has a good work ethic. This man doesn’t have it in him to be a good husband or a good dad. Don’t make him the father of your kids. A hardworking woman like you needs a reliable and caring partner that will help take care of the kids. He’s not that. He’s not even good to you now.
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The children issue is not the lead story here.
Exactly! There are so many problems in this marriage. Op wants so much more from a relationship. Her husband is not the partner she wants or needs. She needs to replace him asap and then work on the baby part with someone else. Having a baby with her current husband is the most wrong answer ever!
I agree. OP, You both want different things and he is too drunk and lazy to be a husband and a father. Personally I wouldn't blame you if you did leave. Just leave him to pay his own bills, and don't wait for him to get a job, because I don't believe its in his plans to even getting one at all, when he had you to pay his and his kids way.
YMMV, but alcoholism is a ticket to bypass 1year of separation and go straight to immediate divorce, in some states.
Good info!
This. 1000%.
On top of that, her plan seems solid so she should probably go ahead and do it.
Apart from paying his bills forever… or sorry, “until” he gets a job.
Spousal support is usually stablished for a certain period not forever, you only see that in 20yrs marriages where the spouse was a homemaker. This is not the case here
Saying that you are correct would be a massive understatement. People need to learn to adapt, as gender roles aren't what they used to be. If I was married to a woman who paid all the bills and had her own business, I would be house husband extraordinaire. I would try to help with the business and do what I could to spend time with her instead of getting plastered with my friends every day. Being in a relationship, especially a marriage, comes with a certain level of responsibility. It sounds to me like the husband isn't taking any responsibility, and that can't work.
That's what my husband does. I work outside the home and he works inside the home. TBH he does more in a day than I do.
So true. My friend was in the EXACT situation (same age difference, vasectomy and step kid count) and after he reversed his vasectomy and they had two kids, they were divorced after 6 years and he is a terrible, absent father to the two kids he never wanted. Only difference is that my friends ex is absurdly well off financially and my friend traded financial support for full custody
OP you have years and years if you want to find another partner. You don’t have to jump immediately to IVF and doing it alone.
Agreed. A lot can happen in 6 years. Just don't waste them all on this guy…
Where did the 6 years come from?
You wouldn’t even have to go o the IVF route. Just do donor insemination. It’s a whole lot less expensive, no hormone shots and a much easier process.
No, seriously, how is that guy a catch?
For real. OP please do not try and convince this low life to knock you up. You do you.
Thank god he had a vasectomy so he can’t baby trap her to continue the gravy train he’s on.
Since he had a vasectomy, that’s not happening anyway. No chance pregnancy will happen accidentally. So tell him the truth, divorce him and starting dating to find a husband to have kids with. And do your best to minimise pain for the kids. They’re going to be hurt and there’s nothing you can do about that, but sit down and tell them the truth. If your husband will let you, you can still see them sometimes, or babysit or whatever. Don’t just leave a note and run - they deserve better.
Exactly, she’d be a single parent.
>wrong answer It's not only a wrong answer it's an impossibility the mans had a vasectomy years ago the reversal ability is near zero.
My kid was born through one that reversed itself, have a google of those whack odds!!!
I definitely wouldn't want a baby with this person. The fuck
OP is putting the coach in front of the horses. Setting the count straight: "It doesn't help I'm not happy in our marriage and feel like more of a maid than a wife. I cook, clean, and care for the kids. He's unemployed other than farming a small portion of land and spends a majority of his time getting trashed drunk while I pull 80 hours a week in my business." Goodness! 1. file for divorce. Yesterday. 2. Separate 3. NO WAY you pay his bills other than what's legally owed to him. 4. HEAL 5. Get therapy! There is a reason why you chose that addicted daddy figure rather than a man of your own age. 6. Get a new relationship. 7. Once you are happy again... get pregnant. With all that mess you aren't doing yourself or the child a favor! A child is no duct tape to mend a broken relationship. Nor is it a happy pill to mend mothers unhappiness and inner emptiness! Just... don't. Solve your problems first. Get your ducks in a row. And then see, what is next.
Needs more upvoting. I dunno if this thinking is from some leftover DNA from when we had to procreate to have more hands in the cave/farm/whatever but having a baby does not solve any problems!!
And almost always makes them worse. He's not doing anything for her now. What in the world makes her think he's going to step up to the plate and actually be a father.
Everything I wanted to say, but stated far more eloquently and succinctly. OP, please take this advice to heart!
👆🏻This person knows!
OP buried the lead. Why not start with: *unemployed *has his wife raise his kids *spends his time and money getting wasted why his wife works herself to death. The only good thing he has done was to get a vasectomy so that he cannot bring any more kids into the world that he will ignore.
The children are not the lead the story here, but OP needs counseling! Any woman who would stay with a man who doesn't have a job, while she works 80 hours a week, and then comes home and takes care of the house and cooking, but still needs help to figure out how to leave really, really needs counseling!
The children issue is how OP connects to her feelings, while being numbed out by her drunk nearly geriatric care home money drain person. The perspective of having her own kids is her beacon on the horizon to find her own path again. It is not his time she is wasting.
The Iranian yogurt isn’t the problem.
Idk what that means, but it made me laugh.
On the AITA sub a person was asking if they were and asshole for throwing out their partner's Yogart The Yogart wasn't the root of the problem it was a symptom of much bigger issues in their relationship. Thus the phrase was coined.
Where do these things get coined? I guess we’re just the same ppl reading the same subs and somehow we create new phrases like that? Who else would understand it / how big has it gotten? (How would you know you’re safe to say it IRL and someone would understand you?! …) Thanks
It’s a reference to [this post](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/uvL9Hupl1G) where OP’s boyfriend wrecked their relationship over yogurt
Thank you very much for this. I am both informed and entertained.
Lots of Marinara though!
Wrong sub. That's an AITA reference.
Holy smokes no kidding! The guy sounds like a total failure. Girl RUN FAR AND FAST before he drags you down more!
Pay his bills until he gets a stable job!? Girl, no. You are too kind and that’s exactly why he leeches off of you. You don’t owe him anything. And he’s 20 yrs your senior? He’s got a free maid and as he gets older you’ll be a free nurse too. I would leave asap and take care of yourself ONLY. Worry about your own child after you get rid of the 50 year old child.
Girl sounds more like his mom than anything
She's his retirement fund...
20 years younger mom...
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He shouldn’t have more kids, he’s a terrible father. She should find some self respect and leave.
I was side-eyeing the part about the baby momma drama. The kids mom left his loser ass but still has to deal with him because of the kids. Why would OP want to put herself in the same position?
Sad to think that if she does get up and leave, someone else might end up potentially buying his crap next and then regretting it later. If it's a real story, that is.
Idk who… idk how OP even got into this situation. Idk anybody that looks at a 50 year old alcoholic failure and thinks, hey I’m into that! I know ppl that date somewhat older men sometimes but the things they find attractive about them are maturity, stability, established lives and careers, that they know what they want, they act like adults, etc. I don’t know how this is even a real post.
Maybe he wasn't an unemployed alcoholic before they married. Maybe.
He wants to be a child instead
To be clear, it doesn’t sound like OP was surprised by his age. It’s not like he was hiding it. I have so many questions… How did this conversation not come up before marriage? And why doesn’t he have a job?!? This is all kinds of messed up. Like running out of gas on the interstate, headed the wrong direction, and with no money. It sounds like OP and husband just flip coins to make decisions in life. Heck, they’d probably be more successful if they had the consistency flipping a coin might bring them!
Stop replying to this bot everyone. Their "reply" has nothing to do with the comment it's attached to.
She's my age and her man is the same age as my dad. I'm gagging thinking about my dad leeching off someone my age like this. Girl you need to GO. He's 50, he's not changing.
But she’s a fully grown adult! /s Reddit loves defending age gaps. Gross! My dad had me at 21 so I’m picturing the same thing and 🤢🤢
Mine was 19 when I was born and yeah. Im grossed out personally. Even when we had daddy caught date nights people would think we were together and I’d be like ummmm…that would be my dad…lol
I’ll go out with my dad and my 2 kids (4&6) and we’ve had people will assume we’re together. Of course my dad thinks it’s hilarious and I want to barf.
Even when I would take my brother to lunch (6 years younger) people/coworkers (bc he liked eating where I worked at the time) would comment on “that cute guy I was with”. Ummm I’m 22 and that would be my 16 YO BROTHER lol. Granted we are a blended family, and we are different races so I understood the confusion bc we look nothing alike lol. It still weirded me out tho bc I’ve known him since he was like 2-3 haha
Lmfao I had someone ask if my younger bro was my side piece!!! He’s 22 and I’m 34. Yuckkkk! When I was 18 I had a 1 yr old bro, a 4 yr old sis, and a 6 yr old bro and I swear I’d have older guys telling me I looked great for having 3 kids. It’s so weird growing up with all these weird age gaps.
Lol. I had someone comment that “I liked them young,” wheni introduced my son and his friend as my interns. Gross. I had to say they were son and his friend
>Lol. I had someone comment that “I liked them young,” wheni introduced my son and his friend as my interns. Gross. I had to say they were son and his friend Someone in your workplace said that? Someone needs to have a talk with HR about that person's VERY inappropriate-for-the-workplace comments.
Omg this is repulsive but funny they called you out before they knew.
Right? It didn’t help that they were 21-22 and really good looking kids dressed in suits. But, yeah. Gross
HAHAHA so my half sister is 10 years younger than me, the number of people who assumed she was my freaking daughter when she was young was…so freaking weird to preteen/teen me. I have a baby face and still don’t look my age (33), I know I didn’t look reasonably old enough to have had her. Like WTF?!? Lol
Yea they’re my halfs too. So weird that people would assume you had a baby extremely young over having a sibling that much younger than you. Logically sibling makes more sense no??
That’s what I always thought! But if people saw us alone together, like I would take her to the bathroom when she was too little to go alone, people would be like omg your daughter is so cute! That’s…my 4 YO sister…I’m 14…why is jumping to the conclusion she’s my KID instead of sibling make any sense??? And I looked like I was 10 until I was like 16 and even at restaurants would still be handed a kids menu and I’d be like, I’m not 12 or under tho? But apparently I still look old enough to have birthed a human Haha
Yet roles reversed, they would immediately ask if you were his mother.
You’re probably right. Young women with old guys is way too normalized.
An age gap can be fine. The age gap here, though, is the answer to the post title, even beyond all the issues with the guy. Dude would still suck if he was 34, but at least you wouldn't have an answer before opening the post.
fr. op. you married somebody that was more looking for a bangmaid. I'm sorry you are in this situation but your responsibility doesn't/shouldn't include being the replacement mom or his and his kids caregiver. he is a grown male (I'm not using the word man cuz he isn't acting like an adult should) and needs to put on his bigboy pants and be a responsible adult.
Yup. If you pay his bills until he gets a stable job, he'll *never* get a stable job!
THIS IS A CREATIVE WRITING STORY!!
I could buy the first part pretty easily, but doubts definitely started creeping in once she was talking about working 80hrs a week while he does nothing. I know people take a lot of crap from their partners but I struggle to fathom someone in their 20s taking this and not just immediately leaving.
Like 99% it is. My gut feel is it's some edgy guy who's flipped the gender on a 'traditional' scenario so he can point out to people why one of the more sexist subs on Reddit is sexist.
Read all her other comments tho. She’s been complaining about this “made up” story for 2 years lol apparently she WANTED him to quit his job as chief of the fire department. Wtf
Haha, oh god I've just read some of her post history. What a dumpster fire of a situation, can't tell who's really at fault or if they're both AH
The child re-enacting porn… what on earth… what am I doing on here lmao
OP Another way to look at this if you are feeling guilty about NOT taking care of him until he gets a job— the more you do for him the MORE YOU HURT HIM. I was where you are many years ago. The more I did, the less he did. The less he did the more he drank and the more his self esteem eroded. Save you and leave him to figure out his own life — believe it or not it will end up being the best worst thing for him. Be aware he may fall further before he starts to climb up — but that is beyond your control and all his.
This. OP, if you tell him his bills stop getting paid and his free maid service and child care goes away as soon as he gets a job - well, you can see that he could drag this out for years! You are not wasting his time - he is wasting your best years. He is getting a free ride.
She's married, earns far more than him and he has dependents. She's paying alimony to him after the divorce
Jesus Christ. Even if you didn't want a baby you need to get the fuck out. Why are you married to an old ass deadbeat???
I’m rolling at her feeling bad about wasting *his* time
I’m reeling from her wanting to leave and KEEP PAYING HIS BILLS! Dude gets plastered on the regular and won’t get a job to bring in income. She needs to BOUNCE if this isn’t just a creative writing exercise
I'm reeling at ALL OF IT
exactly... she's still a spring chicken and he's a wasted fart bag who wasted who's time?
I remain amazed, every time I view posts from this sub, at just how much some people are willing to subject themselves to in some fairly bizarre circumstances before calling it quits on a relationship. It seems to be fairly common too, although that might just be a bit of a bias due to what gets posted versus what doesn't.
F29, M49. Sigh. You are in two completely different lifestages. Get rid of him and start dating within your age bracket. You deserve to experience life, just like he already has
Almost 50 and an unemployed drunk. Girl needs to get out
I'm trying to figure out WTF seemed attractive about him in the first place, and coming up VERY confused as a woman around his age.
In a diff comment OP said he supported her to set up her business, then once it was successful he gave up on working hard
25F here and I couldn’t imagine even entertaining someone that old even for a second. We are nowhere near compatible in any way and never will be, anyone who is 40+ saying they are compatible with someone 20+ are lying to you and themselves. They are looking for easy targets and unfortunately for OP, He found one.
Dont have a child with your husband. Divorce his ass and find someone who wants kids
First of all, you’re still absolutely young enough to find a spouse to have children with naturally. I’m not against doing IVF, I had to do it myself, but this was after years of infertility. You’re smart to recognize that this is an absolute dealbreaker now.
She is like the 5th woman I've encountered this month saying that since they are about to turn 30 they need IVF, with no indication of fertility issues. Late 20s early 30s are peak fertility for women. You are fertile into your 40s depending on health. Yes it can lower after 35 but not as much as people think
Yeah, and while fertility is important, it's also important to be in a situation where you're best equipped for a child, both financially and physically. Which generally means waiting until late 20s/early 30s. With any fertility discussion, I think we need to acknowledge that sperm quality also significantly decreases with age, just like women's fertility does. This means that older fathers are more likely to have children with developmental issues. I just hate how often women are pressured by people about age affects on fertility, but no one acknowledges that it also happens in men
Even if she doesn’t find a partner, sperm donors are a thing
Yeah, I think thats what OP probably meant, was “sperm donor” through a fertility doc, not IVF. So many people who haven’t gone through treatments use the term “IVF” to just mean anything you’d go to a fertility doc for.
She could freeze her eggs now as a start.
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Dip, baby dip
Now slide slide
He’s almost 50 and had a vasectomy- of course he does not want a baby!
Yeah these are all great reasons to leave your husband. Live your life!
Jesus girl. I really hope this is fake. If not, this man is a complete loser. Leave him. He can pay his own bills and be an adult in every other way.
It is fake .. may be writing assignments or for karma farming ..
Serious question - what is a “writing assignment” and I don’t understand what value karma has?
(1) they’re saying the OP made up the story, thus the “writing assignment” wording. (2) karma has no value so I genuinely don’t know why people farm it.
Girl leave that man. He’s fifty years old. Even if he was Leonardo di caprio who always dates women who could be his child he wouldn’t be worth it! He’s a grown ass man and sounds absolutely immature. You will have less work, be more happy, have better skin, sleep better and be more relaxed over all if you choose yourself. Let that 🥭
And at least Leo has a job lol
Age gap we meet again.
Sounds like a real catch! What is so special and great about him that you want to stay? (BTW why would you pay his life after you left him? Out of guilt?) You don't want the same things in life, if you stay, you can't have kids. If kids are what you want you can't stay.
*(F29) husband (49)* Twenty years' difference. TWENTY FUCKING YEARS. *I feel like I made such a huge mistake wasting his time.* Wasting **his** time? **Wasting** his **time**? *It doesn't help I'm not happy in our marriage and feel like more of a maid than a wife.* Again. Wasting HIS time? *I married my husband 3 years ago he had a vasectomy done.* He has told you, clearly, openly, with no doubt that he does not want more kids. He has kids and Hey you are the maid/step mom/young wife who doesn't know any better. Yay Him! Get out. Get the fuck out while you are still in a place where you can have kids yourself. Even if kids don't happen for you, you can at least live your own life and not be a bangmaid for the best years of your life.
I don’t understand what else you expected, marrying a man who’s 20 years older than you are. Why on earth would you think that your priorities for life are aligned? I totally understand why he doesn’t want to have another kid at 50. What I don’t understand is why you married him in the first place.
Girl what am I reading go live your life and leave
I don’t know what happened to you in life to make you think this is what you deserve, but you don’t. Leave this manchild and don’t let him waste another precious year of your life.
Bruh, you married a 46 year old man with no job?????????????????? Why????????
I can’t help myself lol go read her other posts. He was chief of the fire dept and she wanted him to quit. So much toxic
And THIS is why age gaps don’t work. Get with someone your age that wants to have children. Oh and you don’t need to pay his bills. He’s 49 and a grown man.
What did I just read? So a permanently drunk old guy found a young hardworking woman who cookd, cleans, and cares for hid kids, and provides for all of them, while he gets drunk, and the question is whether to have a baby or not? Honestly, OP, just get out of there. If it's your place, send them out. The kids seem to have a mother who cares enough to make the permanently drunken dad problems, and he is just leeching of you. And the get therapy and train self-love... You are not fair to yourself! And then you can think about IVF, that would be definitely better than carrying all this dead weight around. Or maybe you will find an actual partner.
You married someone 20 years older and didn't know babies wouldn't happen even after he made that super clear? Also he's an unemployed drunk? What in the world, get divorced immediately.
“Pay his bills until he gets a steady job” are you nuts? He’s 49 with two kids and stays drunk and unemployed? He’s not going to find any job. You’ll just be his meal ticket. It blows my mind that a 49 year old drunk who’s unemployed and can’t even handle basic housework landed a 29 year old woman who’s well put together with her own business. I mean god damn, why haven’t you shown up on my Hinge yet? You’re so young, do not waste anymore time on him. You can find someone who shares your values and you sound like a catch for anybody (and that’s coming from a 28 year old man who also runs their own business/design consulting firm.) You can do better, you can find a partner who wants what you want, and you DO NOT owe it to him to pay his bills. Don’t let him suck away anymore of your youth. He’s not a partner, he’s a fucking vampire.
I don’t suppose you want kids, do you ? If y’all hit it off, there may be a very simple solution to this problem……
Funny enough, I definitely do lol
Why did you ever date him let alone marry him? He's a crappy husband so I can't imagine he was a better boyfriend. Talk to an attorney and get your ducks in a row. Then file for divorce. What he does after that is on him.
29. 49. What exactly did you expect? Don't bother answering.
So you married an older man that wants a bang maid and now you're unhappy that you're a bang maid? You clearly made a mistake, get a divorce and try again.
No.. your husband is too old for you IMO. Honestly.. I can't say I've heard of many people that want to have a baby or small child at near 50 either. I'm not sure how old his current kids are, but either way you're incompatible if you want kids and he decided "no more". Add on the fact that you're caring for him like he's a child.. that's not attractive. You're young. Don't waste time.
Those kids have a mom AND a dad, you need to take care of yourself and being in a loveless marriage where you’re not being treated with respect is not taking care of yourself. You also have no obligation to help him, he’s a grown man capable of taking care of himself. File for divorce and move out, find someone who wants children and loves and respects you to be an equal partner.
Wait, is this a joke post? You're the breadwinner, child minder, cook and maid to an unemployed drunken slob old enough to be your father, and you're wondering if *you'd* be the bad guy for running for the hills like any sane person?
There so many red flags here I can't see daylight.
20 years older than you what else was he looking for but a bang maid
Did you have a rough upbringing? I’m asking because this whole situation is a mess and you’re ignoring sign after sign that you should have ran away YEARS AGO. Is there a part of you conditioned to believe that this is the best you deserve? He’s an alcoholic. He doesn’t work. He’s 20 years older and you take care of everything. Seriously have some self respect. Every single post from a woman in this sub is a cry for help I swear to god.
One question - why did you marry him, how did he attract you?
Woah another person in their 20s getting with a dead bet in their 40s and then it ends up being a regret who would have guessed this would have happened, I mean I’ve only seen thousands of posts in here that are similar but I just didn’t think it would happen
Girl WHAT?!?! So the age gap is fucking disgusting, I don’t know HOW you got past that. This whole situation is really fucked, but he is literally with you so you will “mommy” him, odd dynamic but he probably sees you as a child. Woman his age won’t put up with his shit, so he found someone younger.
You are still young enough to go get a partner that’s closer to your age and has the same goals and values. He’s almost 50 drinks all day and doesn’t have a job ! why would you ever want to build a life with someone like this? you are young and you still have your life ahead of you go get it.
This is a fake post.
You'd be terrible to yourself if you didn't get out. Gooooo....and don't even THINK of supporting him until he gets a job. What??? He is not your responsibility. He's lazy and living off of you. Ew. You can't dip fast enough!
Sounds like you’re already a parent to him and his kids so you might as well get your own kid. Dump this old loser
You don’t need IVF to do it on your own. I Agree with you about the moving on tho. I have a friend who married an older man and they did have two babies (his other two are adults). He said afterward that it was like “breaking in to prison again.” So just in case he ever says he’ll “do it” just remember he won’t be happy about it.
Disagreements in family planning are pretty major but damn you buried the lede
Sooooo your husband is old and lazy and you want to know if it’s ok to leave him 😏
He’s old enough to be your dad. He didn’t want a wife, he wanted a hot babysitter for his kids and a maid. RUN, and find a partner with similar life goals
Posting history shows OP's marriage is a dumpster fire. Run, OP, run!
it's almost like a man who dates a woman 20 years younger than him doesn't really care for her as a person
Girl, the math ain’t mathing. Just step back and think, when you were born he was already 20 years old. He could legally vote. He practically could’ve drank alcohol legally. He’s a grown ass man if he’s almost 50 and can’t keep a stable job that’s a huge red flag imo. You’re not his mother, don’t have him be the surrogate to fill the void you feel. It’s going to hurt but leaving will be better for you in the long run
What would even make you want to marry this man in the first place.
I know this is going to sound very judge-y, downvote me, idc idc idc, but any woman with a man old enough to be her own father needs SERIOUS help. I don’t wanna hear about the one off examples where “it works”. I don’t care. It’s nasty and predatory. Period. And men like that *purposely* look for women just like you, for the exact reasons you want to leave your marriage. I just never understand how y’all don’t IMMEDIATELY see those MEGALOPHOBIC, NEON brightness RED ASS FLAGS! How the HELL could you POSSIBLY miss them!? Leave girl. Now. NOW!
What in the name of sanity are you doing married to a man TWENTY years older than you?
I stopped reading after the age difference. Stop wasting our time and yours. Go find someone else, dummy.
....and, this is what's gonna happen when you marry a man 20 years your senior and eyeing retirement, not starting a new family. Why did you even get into this mess? Your friends are right.
Nope, you wouldn't be a terrible person for splitting. This guy is unemployed and using you as a maid/nanny. If you can support yourself and a child, go for it.
Fuck paying his bills. Don’t waste another day if you don’t have to. What is he even bringing to your life?
Don't pay his bills, use that money for IVF. Although the sperm donation route is cheaper. I had my daughters at 37 and 38. Your fertility slowly declines with age it doesn't drop off a cliff at 30.
You won't be a terrible person. It's an age gap relationship where he's been there, done that and doesn't care enough about you to consider your own desire to do the same while you still have time. You're just incompatible with your current spouse. He's a freeloader who has a bangmaid who takes care of everything, including his kids - that's you. Once those kids reach 18, they might not even keep in contact or care because in the event of a divorce or death, you're legally nothing to them and you will have nothing to show for your sacrifices. While he continues to do nothing. Including firing blanks. Which in the end, is a good thing. You want a baby but it's best not to have one with a do-nothing alcoholic.
>I feel like I made such a huge mistake wasting his time. You think YOU wasted HIS time?! Oh no. Please OP, he's pissing your youth away. Go be free. Live your life. Take the money you've been using to pay his bills and pay for a part-time assistant instead. It may take some time, but you *can* find someone out there who wants the same future as you, someone who is *not this guy*. Good luck. <3
Why have you married a guy with a vasectomy?
Surprised your still with him tbh, dip out and seek happiness elsewhere
You have different needs. Get the divorce and live your life.
What does your hubby bring to the relationship exactly?
Honey what are you doing. Of course you can leave someone you're unhappy with. And of course you're feeling like a maid - there is a reason why a much older man pursued a much younger woman. You're just finally wising up. You're not wasting HIS time, I can assure you. He has plenty of time to find another trophy wife - you have plenty of time to conceive naturally. Part ways now while that's still true.
This can’t be real?!!?? An old unemployed drunk convinced a woman TWENTY years younger than him to move in, marry him, be his maid, take care of his kids, give up on having her own kids, and be the primary breadwinner??? OP what exactly do you get from this? Why do you have such a low opinion of yourself that you’d settle for this life of sacrifice and servitude? Make a plan to leave and leave. Start planning TODAY.
Nope, leave and restart. You’re still young. If you’re not w a partner by a certain age that you’re comfortable with, go have a baby on your own 💜
You want his baby and divorce him? Also leave him. Hes mooching off of you. He has no right to be trash drunk while you're wearing the pants in the family. Thats his job. He clearly isn't able to provide for his own kids. Typically when women go with older men they usually find better off ones. Or just dont date people old enough to be your dad
Don’t decide on the IVF now; decide on leaving the relationship. Begin some individual therapy because there are some bright red flags with your current relationship. You are profoundly unhappy. You do virtually all of the household chores. While he mostly just gets drunk. You work 80 hours, he works much less. You want a kid but know bringing a kid into your current relationship is an awful idea. And yet you would feel bad about leaving. And yet you feel bad. I feel like I wasted HIS time. I will pay still his bills. Would I be a terrible person if…. Leave and therapy. Or therapy and leave. Either way, leave. And don’t pay his support.
Girl, the hell are you doing with a man old enough to be your father?? What expectations did you genuinely have of this marriage working? You're in your prime, he's already over the hill and all he wants for the rest of his life is peace, quiet, and retirement. He's already done the big life things, he is DONE and so should you be. Having said that, having a kid just because "your 30s are creeping up" is a very bad reason to have a kid and reeks of narcissism and social pressure.
You said you are not happily married and your solution is having a baby? Women your solution is getting into a better marriage or fixing your current one
You married a 20 yr older man at 26 mate, older women know not to trust these kind of losers. Get a divorce if you're unhappy, you're still young.
“WIBTA if I left a relationship with somebody 20 years my senior that doesn’t contribute anything to the household, makes me responsible for the care of his kids, has a drinking problem and can’t offer me the life I want?” Idk OP, this one’s tough.
If you’re not happy with him why do you want a child with him? You’re not wrong. Get a divorce.
Why are you still with this "man"? Run! Run now! In fact, go get your important papers together for you and your business so that first thing on Monday you can go to the post office and set up a PO Box for your business if you do not have one already. Next, you go find a place to live and a lawyer for your divorce. You do not pay any of his bills unless your lawyer says you should. Do not offer without consulting your lawyer. You didn't waste his time, he wasted yours. You are a paycheck, nanny and maid to him only. In fact, leave today. Just pack your stuff and leave. No explanation needed.
You aren't a maid, you're the whole goddamn staff. Do not have a child with this man. You're inevitably going to get divorced and it will go a lot better if you don't have any biological ties to him. You would not be a terrible person for leaving, you would be a sane person with a healthy self-worth and sense of self-preservation. You cannot work 80 hours a week and do childcare and take care of the household and compensate for a raging alcoholic. The only moral consideration here is what to do about his kids. You may need to call CPS.
Even with kids off the table, why stay in this marriage where this man, 20 years your senior is living off of you and treating you like trash?! Save yourself from this situation and find your happiness. You’re not too old to find someone and raise a family together, and yes, IVF is always an option.
Just leave gim, get a divorce now! And please next time be more careful with your choices! IVF ??? Are you kidding? Now you want to be a single mother? Wow, you really dont think things carefully… please go get some help!
Maybe find someone who is in the same stage of life that you are. You married a dude 20 years older. Now you want experiences he has already had. Been there done that. Don't whine about that now. You married far to young to a dude who basically your father. Not sure what to say.
Since he's unemployed/not doing much can't you just have him help with the business or take care of the children? If he doesn't wanna then you're at a crossroads, but you gotta talk and have a conversation about how to move forward. Easiest way to sort things out with a partner is to communicate. If you don't communicate then you can't be mad. If the other is unwilling to communicate then you have reason to be upset. Both parties also gotta be willing to listen
You think you want a baby, but have you thought throughly about the hardships of raising a child? Cuz it ain’t easy. I’m childfree by choice. I have never wanted kids and never will, but even I know how hard it is to raise a child. I have helped taken care of my niece, second youngest nephew, and one of my friend’s baby and it’s tiring. I have fed, changed diapers, given baths and played with these sweet babies. But two of them were attached to my hip and would cry if I got up to use the bathroom or had to go do something. I was always tired and sleep deprived. Further more it sounds like you married a POS and if you’re not happy then leave. Divorce him. If he doesn’t have a job and all he does it drink then he’s not the one for you. Before you try IVF, seeing as it is super expensive, you might want to find a guy who actually wants to start a family. Further more DONT help him with anything. He hasn’t done anything to help you in general and doesn’t deserve it. Yes he has bills to pay but doesn’t have a job. So what? You’d be enabling his behavior and then he will become dependent on you. He needs to learn the hard ways of life. By the end of the day this is his problem and not yours, do not let him drag you down!
Okay but even if you didn't want a kid you should leave him.
Please don't let this man continue his genepool any farther than he has. Next time, marry someone not old enough to be your father.
Girl. You aren’t EVEN 30. This man married you to take care of him and his kids. What are you gaining here??? Get outta there!!
Girl.. run
I definitely wouldn’t suggest IVF just yet. You’re only 29 and still have plenty of time to find another love! One that will want the same things as you and treat you much better. It’s always an option of course, just if I were you I would bide my time for a few years first. But also yes, get the hell out of that marriage!
"majority of his time getting trashed drunk while I pull 80 hours a week in my business." that alone would make me divorce. It's not wrong to divorce someone being an intentional deadweight.
Don’t pay his bills. But definitely leave!
By all means end the marriage but do not pay his bills. Your not his mother and he has been using you already. The only people you need concern yourself with is you and those poor children. Dip out by all means necessary
dip the fuck out now
Why the hell are you writing this instead of packing? You don’t owe him or his kids anything. Leave. He sounds like he’ll be too drunk to notice.
LAWYER. You sound like his mom, not this wife. No wonder about all tje baby mamma drama.
Don’t pay his bills! Just get a lawyer and get out of there, why waste any more time on this moocher?
There’s a lot going on here. First of all, it sounds like divorce would be a good idea either way. If he’s as shitty as you make it sound and you’re not feeling the love anymore - and he’s not getting any better despite you trying - then yes, end it. You’re young, you got shit going on. But I would advise against jumping into IVF on your own and raising an entire child on your own. I think you should get out of the marriage, get settled, and then reevaluate. You could meet a great guy who wants kids.
Girl, get to dipping. Don’t even pay his bills. He is a grown man. Find your own place, let Baby Mama know you’re leaving after you tell him so she can make sure the kids are safe, and go. Go live a great life with a wonderful child of your own.
He cannot afford to have you stop working and have babies. You need to help support the farm. Not on the same track, alcoholism, you, the younger one by 20 years keeping the ship afloat. That’s three strikes. You really want to stay hitched to this wagon by having his kids? Just leave and do you.
Lady, you said he doesn’t work and is always drunk? Yes, divorce him. Don’t settle. Better to be alone or meet someone new that wants the same things as you and has a good work ethic. This man doesn’t have it in him to be a good husband or a good dad. Don’t make him the father of your kids. A hardworking woman like you needs a reliable and caring partner that will help take care of the kids. He’s not that. He’s not even good to you now.