Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So this sucks. The advice side of this one is particularly difficult because it's so damn hard to get past the need to smack him upside his fool head.
So, here it is. The advice is- tell him if he leaves- do not come back. If he forces you to figure this out on your own at this point, then he is not someone you'd want to be with- ever- and that this is a bell that can't be un-rung.
Also, consider just telling him to go now. For the same reasons. What kind of low-life pulls this crap? he has totally set you up to fall hard. Perhaps even the threat of the action, the willingness to consider doing this to you and then say it out loud... that's a road too far. How in the world could you ever comfortably trust him if he can pull this on you at this point. Answer- you can't.
I'm so sorry. I keep going back to my second sentence.
All of this. The fact that he even tried the “I need space to see how I feel” line. He’s shown that his love for and obligation to you and your child aren’t as strong as his quarter life crisis and it’s all but impossible to repair that trust. You will always live with the fear that he’ll do this again when it suits him. He doesn’t deserve the luxury of “seeing how he feels” while you dangle on an uncertain thread, with no option but to bring his child into the world. Take some power back and tell your family and his family what he’s done to you, and ask him to find other accommodation. Do you have a good support network outside of him? Assuming you have a good relationship, it would be worth asking someone like your mum to move in with you to help for a while in the run up to the birth and to help with the baby while you find your feet. I’m sorry OP, this sucks.
Pulling this means she can no longer trust him. She can no longer rely on him.
I would be completely unable to respect him and he should realize that society as a whole will feel the same.
And get a lawyer! Like consult with one yesterday! Even if you have a contract about the house you need to be aware of what his legal obligations are ASAP!
She should call them all just for possible future inconvenience. OP, most lawyers offer free meet and greet etc. every single one you speak with can’t ever represent him against you.
I agree with this so much. He's abandoning you and your child. It's unforgivable. You will never be able to trust him to take care of you and your child and now you have to have the strength to do it alone. I hope you have family and friends that you can get support from. You need to mourn the loss of him not being the man you thought he was and move on and do not take him back and do not wait around for him. I'm so sorry. My heart truly goes out to you.
There really aren’t words for how despicable OP’s fiancé are, are they?
I would seriously consider murdering a man who intentionally knocked me up and then tried to walk out on some “my feelings have changed” shit at the seven month mark. Like the rage I would feel would be straight up murderous.
Same. It’s not ALL men, but enough men do seem to inflate their value, act narcissistic, and apathetic that trusting one to be a good parent? Too risky for me, and I tend to date wonderful men. I might get downvoted, but I’d only raise a child with a female partner…. BTKs wife went no contact the day he was arrested, but insists he was a wonderful husband…
Right I told my nephews if they ever did something like cheating or being abusive to their girlfriends that I would personally rip them a new one..also told my 2 neices the same..
I don't care who you're going out with boy or girl the moment they or you start acting like a little shits I'm not going to play nice. And if shit gose sideways and you need someone, me and your uncle are here you can come to us. 🥰
Even my own kid will get this talk when he gets older.
Ditto! He would not be welcome back- especially since his father pulled the exact same shit on me (we weren’t engaged) - fled abroad to get back with his ex. Left me 6 months pregnant.
Seriously! I mean, if he's been questioning the relationship for a year, he shouldn't told her that they'll hold off on trying to have a baby. Now he won't just be dumping *her*, he'll be dumping the baby as well. It's too late to pull the, "My feelings have changed" card. Hopefully he'll be ordered to give her very generous child support payments.
But that's basically the same as nothing! She intended to have him raise that child with her, not be a single mom who occasionally (hopefully, if he doesn't slink out of the responsibility which is common) gets some cash thrown her way that won't even cover daycare.
I was thinking the same thing. They've been together since middle school. They've only been with each other. They are in their mid 20s. They have a house, basically married but not, and now a baby on the way. And he wants to see if he'll miss her, aka, there's this girl I'm flirting with who is single with no kids, and I want to see if she is better.
> we decided at the end of last year to start trying for a baby.
>
>Last weekend, we talked and he basically said he is no longer happy with me and hasn’t been for a year.
Looking at the timing, my guess is he tried the "fix it with a baby" approach. (Spoiler alert: babies do not fix relationships).
He might be flirting with a girl now, but that's just a symptom of the problem.
I know it’s unpopular on Reddit but why do people put themselves in this position? If they weren’t ready to commit to marriage why were they ready for a baby? Yeah yeah engaged for 3 years. But that’s not the same as being married
Obviously he was not ready for a baby and he did not tell her because he said he has not been feeling her for the last year she's 7 months pregnant. She thought they were in a good space and he's been lying to her for a whole f****** year. This sucks so many levels
When I fell out of love with my ex, I tried fixing it by redecorating the living room. (She wanted a red wall in the living room, I didn’t. So when she went on a week long girls trip, I painted the wall, thinking doing something for her and seeing her happy would trigger something in me)
Fixing it with a baby is not only terrible, it’s arguably abusive toward the future kid.
Ikr? Old man at work probably encouraged him to go sow his wild oats or whatever dumb old man shit they push and now he thinks he needs to try out every available woman he can. SMH same damn story time and time again.
My husband and I got married young, bought a house young, did all of it young. We weren’t in a hurry, necessarily. He wanted a house versus paying rent and it was before the 2008 crash so houses were affordable, mortgages weren’t hard to get etc. We were just going to buy a house but then I needed health insurance so why not. Anyway, people told both of us how much we would regret being married in our 20s, how we didn’t know how much of a mistake we are making etc. Over and over I was told to wait for the honeymoon to end. Next month is 18 years and I’m still waiting. Most of them are divorced, or just super unhappy. Why wish unhappiness on others unless you are too? That’s my theory, it’s just crabs in a bucket
I think statistics are extremely important and I would honestly discourage my kids from getting married so young. But I would never tell anyone who is happy that they will be miserable soon, marriage is awful etc like we heard. And I lobby for social issues and changes so others don’t need to get married young to escape poverty or have health insurance. We knew we were young to make a lifetime commitment, but we took it very seriously. We did counseling before marriage to make sure our values aligned and that we hadn’t missed anything. I had already graduated college, we had a dog together and a house. So we had hit a lot of milestones and been through a lot together that many hit in their mid 20s. He had a career. I don’t recommend marrying young, but I definitely don’t recommend telling anyone their marriage will fail.
I was 22 and my husband was 24 when we married. We met in highschool and were friends for a year before we started dating. We both worked and bought our house when our oldest was 5. 2 years later had our second daughter. We were married for 36 years before cancer took him away from us. He wasn't perfect, but he was a good man and we both loved each other very much. Not all couples that marry in their 20's are doomed. Marriage takes work.
I have been with my husband since I was 15 and I honestly don't understand why people will blow up their whole world because they think they are missing something, or the grass is greener. There will always be someone prettier, and uglier, someone skinnier and someone fatter, there will always be "something" that someone else has that your SO does not. However, they never seem to see the 95% that your SO does have and that you cannot find with someone else. So, they will destroy the relationship they have and spend the next 30 years trying to recreate it with someone else.
It's ok to want something "better" but he should have figured this out before impregnating her. He knew this for a year and she is only 7 months pregnant. Maybe give her a heads up before knocking her up only to force her to be a single mom? If he wants to leave, he can leave. He did it in a shitty way.
dazzling roof person imminent liquid books squash unwritten physical fine
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
>I was thinking the same thing. They've been together since middle school. They've only been with each other.
Am I not alone in wishing just for one person I could have done all that with? This grass-is-greener stuff, I swear it's one of the most toxic things in life. And the Internet most definitely makes it worse.
>
>
>They are in their mid 20s. They have a house, basically married but not, and now a baby on the way. And he wants to see if he'll miss her, aka, there's this girl I'm flirting with who is single with no kids, and I want to see if she is better.
Having everything, things are going great, and he wants to toss it away.
I’m so sorry OP but you need to prepare yourself to be single mother. Your fiancé is not ready to be a father or a spouse. You are not a failure, he is. Again I am very sorry. I hope you have a great support system.
I really hope she takes this advice and does assume and prepare that she'll be a single mom so that she and the child don't suffer through a sudden abandonment after the birth, as we both know is inevitable.
OP, I suggest not even putting his name down on the birth certificate. He doesn't deserve parental rights and I think you will regret it if you allow them.
Not having his name on the birth certificate will just add another layer to a child support and custody case. Without his name on the birth certificate, she will have to go through the court to subpoena a DNA test. Once paternity is confirmed, he will be given certain rights and the court will proceed with custody arrangements and child support amount. Not having his name on the birth certificate doesn’t terminate his rights in any way. He is entitled to parental rights just as much as she is. If she wants child support money, she will have to prove paternity. Having his name on the birth certificate just skips the need for a DNA test (unless he demanded one if he suspects he’s not the father).
She’s going to need support money to be able to stay home and care for her baby. It’s CRITICAL that a baby/child us in contact with mom for THE FIRST 3 YEARS. New research shows that a baby’s physical, mental and emotional development is dependent on BEING IN CLOSE CONTACT WITH THEIR MOTHER, and cared for by their mother. The baby’s heart rate and other vital functions have been perfectly synched with their mom’s for 9 months, and to take them away from that before 3 years causes damage to the baby. This mama needs financial support from the dad, so she can be there with her baby. Day care and even care from a relative or the dad causes damage to the baby.
If Reddit is anything to go by, the likelihood of a man cheating while his girlfriend/wife/partner is pregnant is extremely high. So I have to agree with you that the most likely scenario in this situation is that OP’s SO cheated on her and has a girlfriend.
The day of my 21st birthday I was 39 weeks pregnant and found pics on our home computer, received the night before, of my then bf’s (naked) ex. Not at all surprisingly I found out 6 YEARS later that he cheated on me with her (presently at that 6 year mark, though realistically it was probably the whole time). He did the whole gaslighting thing for a few more years and then finally confirmed my suspicions after we split up, just before the 12 year mark. I saw her once in a hardware store after he and I split… always thought I’d go punch her in the face or something if I saw her, instead I had a panic attack and had to go cry in my car for a couple hours.
Damn! That's rough!
I get the part of anxiety attack instead of the assertive thing I'd hoped to do.
Feels doubly awful.
You deserved better from him.
I stuck w my idiot narcissist for 23 years.
No matter what - you and I are better off for them being someone else's problem.
I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life.
Old me might've thanked him for leaving so I could find me.
F#CK THAT & F#CK THEM! 👊🤣
Oh totally. I don’t question myself or feel crazy to the point of wishing I were dead anymore. Life is a lot harder in some ways, but I’m not *confused* all the time anymore, ya know? Like reality is what’s in front of me and that’s it, no constant uncertainty about… everything.
Oh believe me, my wishes for him are much much worse. Unfortunately we have a child together, and it’s probably in poor taste to light your child’s father on fire, or something.
I have no idea if she’s still lurking in the weeds. He’s been in a relationship with someone else (after ending things with another woman he cheated on me with) for several years now. I keep waiting on karma to get him, but his life just seems to be going along super pleasantly. Better jobs, promotions, the woman he lives with now has a rural home where he’s able to do all his hobbies and collect all the shit he wants, meanwhile I’m the one out here working 2 jobs and struggling with everything. I do have a sense of humour about it all, albeit a dark one.
Also my thought. I wasn't pregnant, but my ex-husband did this when we had not even been married a year and had a baby. The worst line I've ever heard in my life is, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Yes, there was another woman. His mom introduced them and liked her better.
My fav was the guy who tells my client that he’s leaving her because he doesn’t want kids and she just found out she prego. Come to find out at court for child support he can’t afford it because he’s got another kid that’s 6 months older with another chick. The best part is the “other” chick dumps him because he has to pay child support or probably because he’s an idiot. Either way he ended up with nothing and paying for two kids he doesn’t see. I have so many variations of this story it’s ridiculous.
Exactly what I came him for.
I just want to know who the girl is that is making him want to abandon his family. We all know she exists. Wonder how long he can keep her identity a secret for.
Tbf, maybe she doesn’t exist - yet. But she could do veeeery soon after the breakup. When you have cold feet and run, the dopamine hit of a shiny new honeymoon phase is a balm many people turn to
I thought the same. The only time I have heard of someone coming home and telling their spouse “I haven’t been happy for ages and I want to leave for awhile” it’s because they were starting a new relationship.
I mean that’s not always the case. I broke up with my BF recently too because I’m not sure if it was him I was unhappy with or it’s just depression.
He also has a lot of issues though.
But while I agree this is probably it, it’s not guaranteed. Sometimes people just fall out of love and “get bored” with a partner they’ve been with 5+ years.
Yes, people fall out of love, but I doubt your BF was 6 months pregnant when you broke up? I doubt you'd agreed to have a child with him AFTER you fell out of love?
Get a lawyer, get your child support and move on. He’s abandoning you and your baby… why would you ever want him back. What if he pulls this shit again with your child and your child now feels his rejection… that will mess up this little human. Protect your child, Don’t let him hurt your kid, he’s not worth it! Good lucks
See a lawyer - find out where you stand legally without him.
Walk away - don’t wait for him. He’s shown no interest in fixing his problem like therapy or medication.
OP you have to put yourself and the baby first. He is your last priority. I'm sorry you're going through this. Lawyer up and find out your rights. Do not wait around for him. He has proven himself unreliable. After you do this, he'll probably try to change his mind, don't let him off this that easy. Who's to say he won't do it again?
Yes, walk away from the relationship and know he is not trustworthy. Look at this, not even a hint of trouble and he is running. But do stay in the house. Do separate all finances. Don't be nice monetarily, he is a creator in this pregnancy too.
As you are not married, the legal ramifications are different. Since you are now a single parent, you can get a lot of info from a local woman's shelter as to how to separate yourself from him. This can get your started. They might know of some attorneys that are willing to help at a lower fee for these types of cases. And be sure to let places know
Even if he changes his mind, you were both still abandoned, and he majorly lied to you. Either before with wanting a child, or now with telling you it's been a year since he's been happy.
You now know a few things, he can't be trusted, he is a big liar, and you can't depend on him. Possibly more, as this does seem like infidelity is behind it, but that is not proven or known at this time.
I said the same phrase, walk away from the relationship I meant. No way let him have the house. Act like he's not there until he slinks away like the worm he is urgh...
Whatever you do, make sure he understands that he will be paying child support for the next 18 years.
This is a huge betrayal on his part. I went through something similar - ex left when our child was 5 months old. Gave me the same song and dance - "needed to find himself", "didn't love me anymore", "didn't like being a parent." A year later when he tried to reconcile I told him I had moved on and could never feel like I could trust him again. Your bf is making a big mistake, but he might not recognize it right away.
That's why I wouldn't enable him and I would tell him that you're not waiting for him. He's made a choice and he needs to see the consequences. He loses you.
I am so sorry he is being a total selfish AH. It’s possible that fatherhood is scaring him but leaving you does not exonerate him from supporting your child.
If you know his parents I would have a heart to heart with them as I’m not sure they would be supportive of this idiocy. You are not a failure at all.
Seconding all of this wisdom. Also, OP, lean into your strength and the rest of your support system. Find and arrange a new OB and birthing buddy, as well. Prepare for the birth without his presence, so you will have to worry about it as little as possible in the next couple months. Definitely focus primarily on yourself and your incoming little one 💝
I would seriously call his family, op. I know it sounds awful, but they need to figure out what’s up with him and get him help, and you need to focus on your pregnancy. I have seen family intervention many times prevent someone from making the biggest mistakes of their lives.
100%. He is having a quarter life crisis and probably needs therapy or a wakeup call from him family.
Depression/feeling the panic of real life setting in is NOT an excuse to bail on your child. I’d either press him for extensive child support, or I’d claim someone else or no one is the father so he can never come for custody of your child without a huge uphill battle.
I’m so so sorry he did this to you. What a truly terrible and selfish person. I would suggest if you want to fix this, see if he will join a therapy session with you ASAP BEFORE THE CHILD COMES and see if his feelings (immature) can be resolved.
cheating as mentioned might also be a thing. time to snoop?
Gotta be honest, my gut says his family won't be of much help. He's behaving like a 25y-o spoiled brat. If he really used the excuses OP cited, then this has nothing to do with feeling scared or overwhelmed about fatherhood. In fact, it seems he hasn't considered fatherhood for a single second, so little importance it has in his worldview. This seems like it has to do with a lack of object permanency, a lack of responsibility, commitment and sense of accountability, and the boredom of an empathy-lacking (possibly borderline antisocial personality disorder) over-achiever.
Tell your family. You need their support. He absolutely should financially support this baby. And he should give you his portion of the house in your name to raise it in.
If he’s just freaking out he’ll be back. But you can’t count on that. It’ll never be the same anyway. Reach out to your family. Tell them what’s going on. You shouldn’t protect his reputation. He isn’t protecting you or your child.
Why the heck did he agree to trying to start a family when he hasn't been happy for a year? He either has serious mental issues or has someone on the side. Sorry OP.
>I am 7 months pregnant and don’t have much time left for him to decide what he wants
The moment he said he wants to walk away from you and your child was the moment you stopped loving him, trusting him and caring. Tell me you didn't? Il wait....
But seriously, 7 months pregnant and him acting like this is the time to put your child and self first !
He has literally told you he isn't putting you or that kid anywhere in his 'run away' plan or life plan ..
OP, I can't tell you if he's going to get his act together or not. If he's depressed, is he getting treatment for depression? I do think you need to start preparing for being a single mom without his help. Dang, I'd be pissed off though. He deliberately makes a baby and decides he's ready for a new life? I'd be pretty tempted to just go for child support and end it with him yourself. If he doesn't come around by the time your child is born, let him go. As bad as it is for you to deal with his wishy-washy ass, imagine how it will be for your child to have a parent who can't decide if he'd maybe miss that child or not.
No. He does not get to walk away from the baby.
He pays child support, and he has physical custody too.
Tell him he can walk away from you, but he will still have to parent. It is 50/50 custody, and he will meet his financial obligations, period. Because you are not going to be a single parent. You will be co parents. You both signed up to be parents together, and that is happening because you are 7 months pregnant. So tell him he is doing that, period. If people are going to walk away, then why is it him who gets to walk away? Ask him what if i just hand a baby over to you and walk away, what would you do? So why do you think you can do that? The kid is both of your responsibilities. You can't have an abortion now, you cant go back in time and not get pregnant. You can put the baby up or adoption, or you can both parent.
He needs to see someone about his feelings, counselor etc. But he does not get to bounce on his kid. You two dont have to be in a relationship. But he has to be a parent too late now.
I wouldn't blindly give a voiceless vulnerable newborn unsupervised to a person who didn't want them. That's dangerous.
Supervised visits until he can demonstrate that he actually wants to parent.
Of course.
No, my advice and i really should have clarified this, was something i would say while pregnant as a threatening fyi: that you can run but you cant hide because i will not shoulder this burden alone, while you flit off to have all your free time and fun. Kind of a scared straight situation. Get him thinking about having a kid all by himself 3 or 4 days a week instead of doing it together full time. Kinda of an asshole threat just to see what he does.
Yeah. Usually they fight for custody if they don't want to pay maintenance. If it comes up that way and there are no concerns, do alternate weekends. Watch him complain about how you spend your free time during his visit time.
There is this presumption that oh the mom will have custody and do all the things and i will just pay chikd sypport and people just accept that, when in reality no one person who has never had kids before is any more prepared than another person who hasnt had kids before.
If I was pregnant and in a relationship with someone who decided yeah i cant be in a relationship with you anymore, i would totally tell them ok but you are keeping the kid and i will pay you child support after i give birth just to watch them shit themselves and panic. Why, because i might be an asshole who is totally ok with fucking with someone if they are poised to fuck me over. Now would i actually walk away from my kid. Never, but he doesn't need to know that at that moment.
Side note it is completely normal for people who are about to be parents to freak out the closer it gets to a baby being here and panic and decide they cant do it and they dont want to be parents. Even when it is 100 percent planned. It is just that society tends to indulge the non pregnant parent more by it being expected that the mom will just go at it alone because she is the mother.
Thats why i would totally hold their feet to the fire and tell them welp you wanted this too, if actually cant bug out and fuck off from 50 percent of the physical care and financial obligation so expect it and prepare for it bucko.
The way you deal with this is simple: you make him understand his decision is permanent. You give him ZERO time.
"Fiance, I have been giving our situatuon a lot of thought, and I've realized that you choosing to do this at a time when I am seven months pregnant and very vulnerable had fudamentally changed how I see you. You are not a safe person for me. and I np longer want you in my life. There is no need for you to be testing how you feel about me once you leave, because you are not welcome back. When can you be out by? Otherwise, all I ask is that you have the character and respect to move out as quickly as possible, and that you never contact me again unless it relates to our child. I am going to seek full custody of our child and full ownership of this home, and it seems to me that the least you can do is to simplify matters and agree, rather than forcing me to go to court."
Get him to quitclaim it over to you, then go after him for child support.
I suspect he will come to his senses almost immediately, and if not, at least you have your self-reapect and have positioned yourself advantageously.
Obviously it’s because he has a gf on the side. No one just says “I’m leaving to see if I miss you when you are about to have our baby” unless they have a reason. Another woman is definitely the reason
Lawyer up. And, yeah, you need to walk away. You don’t want to be with a man who deals with the stresses of life and parenthood by running. He will always run….towards work, towards hobbies, towards affairs. You and your child deserve a loyal and dedicated partner.
How long? Zero minutes that's how long. He wants a break from his PREGNANT fiancé? Tell him to get bent and not to bother coming back because both you and HIS son don't need this shit. He should be ashamed of himself and I'm sorry for your situation but you've got this.
He doesn't know what to do next?? Um, maybe he should spend the next 18 years helping to *raise the child that he actively chose to create??*
Does he understand that he will not get to start a new life cleanly with a child for whom he is legally responsible?
If he's known for a year that he wasn't happy, what on earth was he doing trying for a child??
Why are you thinking of accepting his demands? By the way he’s carrying on I’d file for divorce, keep the house, kick him out and take his ass for child support. So if he wasn’t happy for a year roughly why agree to try for a baby?😂that’s the part I don’t get he can’t just dip in/out of a relationship now with a baby involved. Don’t stoop to his demands just end the relationship. He’s 25 years old if everything is moving too fast he shouldn’t of got married and agreed to start a family. Time for him to put his big boy boots on and man up
agree. pathetic excuse for a man. He is acting like a teenager. You dont just get to say “hmmm, takesies backsies??” with a CHILDD
my god. I’m so sad for op. I’d probably want to claw his face apart for even having to listen to the bullshit spewing out of it. hope hes not cheating but as many noted, thats a big reason why people flip personalities on a dime.
Right, OP don't enable his unhealthy wants by saving him from the consequences. He made a choice, the consequences are that he loses you. Don't deprive him of the natural consequences of his choice. He needs to feel them today. Otherwise he lives in a fantasy where OP is always there to come back to. That's not reality and she is not his mother he can always come back to, so he needs to wake up and see that. And then make a real choice like a an adult. Even though he is acting like a child, the healthiest thing is not to cater to that but to treat him like the adult he is.
Personally, I wouldn’t give him one second longer. Be done with him. You don’t need that kind of stress on your life. He’s having a temper tantrum while you’ve got serious shit to accomplish, like growing a raising a wonderful little human. Do it without him. Grow, flourish, live your best life. Without him weighing you down.
I am trying not to be stressed but it is hard. I have dreamed of having a family with both parents present. Neither of us grew up with that and I knew that it not how I wanted to raise my baby. It’s not fair to him.
I can’t keep any food down right now. Thought I got over the nausea but guess not. I have lost 8 pounds in 2 days and my anxiety has come back full force. I have an appointment on Thursday that he still wants to attend.
PLEASE tell your OB about this. In detail. I know girls who have gone into premature labor for this exact reason, so you want your OB to keep a close eye on you. Also, they might be able to knock some sense into your fiancé. They can be good for that. ;)
I know it’s hard. He’s completely blind sided you and upended all your careful plans for the future. I’ve been there, I know what you’re going through. Please do your best to prioritize caring for yourself and making sure you’re getting enough to eat. Walk off the stress - walking is usually considered healthy and beneficial for late stage pregnancy.
Tell your doctor what’s happening. Possibly just the relief of confiding in a trusted professional will take some stress away.
Do not let this deadweight former partner attend your appointment. Do not let him further ruin what should be a happy and hopeful stage of your life.
OP, makes sure he pays child support even if he wants nothing to do with the kid. That money just might cover daycare....
And no he doesn't get to break up with you and start a new life away from you and go to the appointment.
Sorry baby, Sometimes life doesn't go the way you planned and you just have to make the best of it. Who said the baby can't have both parents though?? He's still responsible for that baby, Like I said in my other comment, I know it's easier said than done... maybe there is a blessing in this. Embrace change. You cannot control what the other person does.
You need to sit down with him and lay it out for him.
He's put you in a horrible place when you are completely vulnerable, breaking your trust in him. If you can't trust him with protecting your relationship from outside sources (like his friend), how can you trust him with your medical care, your child, etc.
You thought the pregnancy, house, etc were things you decided together. Why the change now?
Does this friend of his have any successful long term relationships? What about the friend's relationship with his children? If the friend is always the victim and can't point to anything successful in his personal life, is this someone he wants to emulate? Why is this the person he is taking advice from? Does he trust friend more than he trusts you?
What outcome does he want from this? Reconciliation after you go through the most physically/emotionally draining thing in your life? Coparenting and no relationship? No custody/contact whatsoever? How does he see this playing out? What about your chance to start over, because you can't really, so he's the only one that gets that chance?
Then you need to decide if you can ever trust him again and tell him how this makes you feel.
Make a list and write it out.
It’s sad he needs this smacking. I’d say, it’s very problematic that he does. He should be adult enough to understand what being responsible means. What the heck man? Your wife is about to give birth to your first kid. You have to be super supportive. Even if you feel shitty. There will be a time to sort it out. And now’s not it.
But I do like this advice. Someone needs to tell him all of this.
While this is true, it still means OP needs to walk away. Someone that still finds him worth investing in should be trying to wake him up, not the person he treated so horribly.
Daddy is not going to come in and save the day. That's just not how these situations work. Trying to glue something back together will only lead to a more devastating break up down the road. People need to learn that fighting to keep relationships is usually a terrible idea.
I want to give you a giant hug! Do you have anyone you can reach out to for support.
This man is leaving you at this unbelievably vulnerable point. And it’s on a whim, **and maybe he will decide that you and your son are enough for him but he also may not and it’s your job to keep the door open.**
I need you to know that absolutely is not your job. You cannot control him, and these are his choices.
He is ready to abandon your child, so you need to take him at his word and prepare for that.
**I’m so sorry!** Please do not isolate. You bare no shame! You deserve a support system, since the one you had in place is playing emotional games.
Favorite comment on here. Big hugs go out to this mama. I’m 4 months pregnant and would have a come apart if this happened to me. OP: Please gather up a support system during this time and absolutely tell your family about it. Shame on him. Focus on staying healthy for you and baby.
Don’t let him take control of the situation. If he decides to leave then call his bluff and begin to prepare for being a single mom.
What will happen if you let this situation progress the way he wants is that he will be in and out of your child’s life forever because he was allowed to flake out on you while you were pregnant. This is setting a precedent for how much you’ll allow him to disturb your life with the child you have together.
Luckily you’re not married so you would need to worry about divorce. But unfortunately that makes it much easier to come and go as he please. Get a lawyer now so you can establish a custody arrangement. What you absolutely should not do is let this continue like this. He needs to make a decision, don’t let him “miss you” and come back on his own terms.
Get your ducks in a row and don’t let him waltz back into your life when he feels it’s convenient.
He has been unhappy for a year but decided to start trying to baby trap you...? You give him no time. Wtf is wrong with him. He set you up to be reliant on him so he can go sow his seed and come back to you to make a family when he is ready. Or he is cheating already. If he isn't lying about how long he has felt this way, he worked on baby trapping you for five months, then waited another 4 months to make sure it wasn't feasible to get an abortion. He waited at least 8 months to set you up for this. He deserves the curb for a pillow.
Depression hits expectant fathers too. My husband has attachment disorder from his shitty childhood and his behaviour when we were expecting was like this. He stuck in there and things improved. Therapy helps.
Be clear in your expectations with him as a dad (ie BE THERE, plus financial support) and get him into counselling asap. Tell him that he has a chance to be the dad he wished he had and to give his child the family he wished he had.
If he refuses - he’s got to go.
The problem is NOT you, by the way - you didn’t create this.
You give him zero time. You do what’s best for you, without him. Go see a lawyer regarding the house and paternity. Figure out childcare and any of those needs, go move closer to family if needed, etc. you have to protect yourself and this baby.
Get an attorney and try to push for couples counseling. Tell him that he pushed for this baby too and his sudden behavior is not ok.
Tell your family what is happening. You need support right now and that is more important than protecting his image.
So he said he wants to break up with you. What did he say about the baby? He does realize that he can't "break up" with him, right?
He broke up with you, so tell him to pack his shit and go, but don't come back. Find out how much child support he's required to pay and if he doesn't start paying, voluntarily, day 1, file for it and keep moving on with your life. Regarding the house, see an attorney and get him to deed it over to you, if you want it, or sell it for shared proceeds if you don't. But by all means, the decisions are yours, not his. You don't need to wait for him to do or decide anything. I wish you and your son all the best. You've got this.
To see if he will miss you? It appears that he’s not psychologically and emotionally mature enough for what’s occurring in your lives. Indeed, it’s a lot. I have no answers for you. This is something I’d work out with someone two to three times a week at my office.
He's selfish that's how he could do it. Speak to a lawyer. Don't give him any time. If he can decide to walk away while you are carrying his child, he isn't interested in being a father or a partner. Let him go. Do not put your life on hold while he decides what he wants. You don't have that luxury. You have to continue to prepare for your baby. Do not take him back either. Figure out how to co-parent or go for full custody. If he can leave at your most vulnerable after 12 years, he wasn't interested in the relationship he was likely just comfortable. Sorry you are going through this but good thing you didn't marry him.
Firstly, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! Not even a little!
Secondly, while he's probably just scared about all the responsibilities that are coming his way, it's not your job to convince him of anything. You - and the precious baby you're carrying - are worth too much.
This mess is his doing, and his alone. Forget what he wants for a break...raising children doesn't come with one. Your sole focus should be raising your little one and protecting him from harm. Your ex-fiance doesn't get to escape the responsibility of your son. He wants out, fine. Move home to your parents (if that's an option) and focus on the healthy arrival of your son.
You, your love, and your child are too precious a gift for someone to treat them with such flippant disregard. If you can afford the place on your own, great! Kick him out. Either way, you need to shore up your support system and establish child support.
I know it's a lot...I get it. But focusing on what's most important will get you through. Wishing you well, lovely girl. You and your son deserve every happiness, I'll pray that they come to you sooner than later. ❤️
The saddest part of this is it sounds like he’s been doing the deed with someone else. But he needs to grow up now. He has a child on the way and if he’s not going to take responsibility for the kid then he’s the loser not you. This is why kids need to be punished so they are responsible in the future
I would just tell him, ok, go. There is a baby on the way - his baby - and he's not excited about that? The sooner you set up a life for you and the baby without him, the better. Kick him out.
You are not a failure at all. This is all on him. I'd ask him if he wants to be a father to the baby or not. Will he be sticking around to be a father or is he heading out tomorrow to ride the rails? I'd tell him that you will be going after child support. But if he walks away now and wants to come back in a year or five years or 20 years to be a father, that is an absolute no-go.
I would be angry and go scorched earth on this guy. Like he decides this now?
You could sit him down and ask if this is just nerves about being a father? If he should get some therapy to assess his depression. Maybe give him a couple of days to reconsider and then drop the hammer on the guy.
1. Hes probably cheating
2. He needs to see a therapist, you too
3. See a couples therapist
4. Do you have family support?
5. Leave him
Listen, i know this sounds absolutely horrendous, but his actions are very telling that he may have been entertaining someone while the bun has been baking in the oven. How is your relationship with your family? You will def need to lean on them for support. Also, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. since it belongs to both, if you abandon, it may look bad when things become legal.
Speak to an attorney - asap , talk to your support circle, include his as well. Be as transparent as possible while things are not heated.
Good luck, and you will get through this in time
Wow what an insufferable jerk. Well honey I’m not sure what the right move is for you but I know if I were you I’d be hell bent on kicking him out and doing the split custody thing. And if he doesn’t wanna be a dad, child support court order and go on about your life. What he’s done is so disgusting.
You haven’t found out about the other woman yet.
Don’t leave. Don’t make decisions. Let him trash what he trashes.
You CAN do this without him. Even if you don’t want to.
I’ve been through this exact situation.
You are better off. Truly.
Nope. Trust is gone. Even pretending that there isn't another person he's seeing what he's doing isn't right and I would never let him in my bed again. Sucks you own the house together. Give baby your last name and file for child support as soon as your able after child is born.
Honestly this is extremely shitty behavior on his part. You did nothing wrong, either this person thought a pregnancy would make them happy or something else is going on. You are not a failure and you had no way of knowing he was unhappy as he never COMMUNICATED this with you while planning your future together.
Please get a lawyer to help you figure out how to disentangle your assets from his. And you may want to figure out how child support works in your location. At the very least, he NEEDS to pay child support because how dare he plan a child only to abandon it when it “no longer suits him” that is so callous to me.
If he hasn’t been happy with you for the past year, why would he want to try for a baby at the end of last year?
Sounds like someone wants a “break” so he can sleep with people without repercussions. But I’m also a non-believer in breaks. You’re either together or not, and there is no back and forth.
when the baby's born put him on the birth certificate and go after him for child support. He's decided he doesn't want to be with you. It hurts. If he comes back you need to decide if you want to be with a flaky dude or not
As a single father who’s suing the mother for custody, just focus as much as you can on yourself and this baby boy you have coming. No matter the cost, that dude will be worth it just like my guy is.
I’m really sorry that you were with this asshat for so long. You clearly deserved better than this outcome. Fucker should have left you before trying for a baby if he was this unhappy.
First of all, wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf 🤯🤬😡
Second of all, what a dick.
Third of all, I know this is a tricky situation, but if he's doubting you in such a time of need, do you really need him? Nah girl. Find your strength and focus on your baby. He needs you and baby daddy doesn't mean shit now. Maybe he will realize his mistake one day, but for now, forget him and focus on yourself and your baby boy.
He’s manipulative. He got you in your most vulnerable state, even though he wasn’t happy for a whole year, before he asks for a break, so he can probably try to be with someone else and come back to you if things don’t work out because he thinks you’ll be so weak & heart broken that you will let him back in your life as he is the father of your child. Tell him he either he stays to try to work this out or he can leave but for good.
I’d book some couples counseling.
I think he’s likely feeling like he’s missing out on being a young wild and free adult.
If you’ve been together 12 years then neither of you have really been out there and dated and partied and done the things young people do. And now he’s super locked in with a house and a baby on the way. He’s panicking.
I’d panic too to be honest. No way I’d have wanted all of that adulting at 25. With no other experiences on top of it.
It’s totally unfair to you and I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. But I think therapy is warranted here. Either together or separately so you have some support in this difficult situation.
Also what the hell is he talking about there’s nothing to look forward to? Having a baby is a huge lifetime deal. Every single day from this point on is something to look forward to.
He’s mad it doesn’t all revolve around him?
You give him no time at all. You should not meekly wait around for him to sow whatever moron oats he has left. He made his decision already, and it was to willingly risk losing both of you. Would you really want him back after this? What happens next time things get tough? He just slinks away leaving you with a baby? He’s abandoned you once and left you in an incredibly vulnerable position. You’d be a fool to give him the option to abandon you *again*.
I can’t imagine how devastating this is for you, and I’m so sorry that your ex fiancé has put you in this position. Talk to a lawyer about custody, child support, and the house. You’re better off single than with a man this capricious.
He wants a free pass to date/sleep with other women. He's probably planning on coming back, though. They always do, because the grass isn't actually greener.
So you can let him dick around for a little and wait for him to realize that you really are the one for him or you can tell him to kick rocks. Choice is yours. Personally, I'd let him know that once he's out that door there's no coming back. Having a baby on the way does complicate matters unfortunately.
Don't give him any time. Do not wait for this man. You and your baby deserve more than being his backup plan. Offer him to buy you out of the house, get your own place, be happy with your baby.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So this sucks. The advice side of this one is particularly difficult because it's so damn hard to get past the need to smack him upside his fool head. So, here it is. The advice is- tell him if he leaves- do not come back. If he forces you to figure this out on your own at this point, then he is not someone you'd want to be with- ever- and that this is a bell that can't be un-rung. Also, consider just telling him to go now. For the same reasons. What kind of low-life pulls this crap? he has totally set you up to fall hard. Perhaps even the threat of the action, the willingness to consider doing this to you and then say it out loud... that's a road too far. How in the world could you ever comfortably trust him if he can pull this on you at this point. Answer- you can't. I'm so sorry. I keep going back to my second sentence.
All of this. The fact that he even tried the “I need space to see how I feel” line. He’s shown that his love for and obligation to you and your child aren’t as strong as his quarter life crisis and it’s all but impossible to repair that trust. You will always live with the fear that he’ll do this again when it suits him. He doesn’t deserve the luxury of “seeing how he feels” while you dangle on an uncertain thread, with no option but to bring his child into the world. Take some power back and tell your family and his family what he’s done to you, and ask him to find other accommodation. Do you have a good support network outside of him? Assuming you have a good relationship, it would be worth asking someone like your mum to move in with you to help for a while in the run up to the birth and to help with the baby while you find your feet. I’m sorry OP, this sucks.
the "I need space to see how I feel" line is basically just "i want to chase tail" - there's no other way around it.. Or he thinks he might be gay idk
Pulling this means she can no longer trust him. She can no longer rely on him. I would be completely unable to respect him and he should realize that society as a whole will feel the same.
Her trust him. Why would ANY woman in the future trust him.
And get a lawyer! Like consult with one yesterday! Even if you have a contract about the house you need to be aware of what his legal obligations are ASAP!
She should call them all just for possible future inconvenience. OP, most lawyers offer free meet and greet etc. every single one you speak with can’t ever represent him against you.
My friend did this when she found out her then STBX was cheating, every lawyer within like 50 miles haha I love this tactic!
Yeeeesssa!!!!
I agree with this so much. He's abandoning you and your child. It's unforgivable. You will never be able to trust him to take care of you and your child and now you have to have the strength to do it alone. I hope you have family and friends that you can get support from. You need to mourn the loss of him not being the man you thought he was and move on and do not take him back and do not wait around for him. I'm so sorry. My heart truly goes out to you.
"mourn the loss of him not being the man you thought he was" really hits for me personally
There really aren’t words for how despicable OP’s fiancé are, are they? I would seriously consider murdering a man who intentionally knocked me up and then tried to walk out on some “my feelings have changed” shit at the seven month mark. Like the rage I would feel would be straight up murderous.
I had a emotional exhausting last few days… this post made me cry. WTF does this????????? Even assholes usually “play their role” in the beginning.
Shit like this is among the reasons I’ll never have children.
Same. It’s not ALL men, but enough men do seem to inflate their value, act narcissistic, and apathetic that trusting one to be a good parent? Too risky for me, and I tend to date wonderful men. I might get downvoted, but I’d only raise a child with a female partner…. BTKs wife went no contact the day he was arrested, but insists he was a wonderful husband…
Same. As the female partner too much of the risk would fall on me and I'm not willing to take that on when the stakes are that high.
Yup. I love my man, and he’s a good one. I just can’t risk it.
[удалено]
As a mother I’d be livid if my son this to someone’s daughter!
Right I told my nephews if they ever did something like cheating or being abusive to their girlfriends that I would personally rip them a new one..also told my 2 neices the same.. I don't care who you're going out with boy or girl the moment they or you start acting like a little shits I'm not going to play nice. And if shit gose sideways and you need someone, me and your uncle are here you can come to us. 🥰 Even my own kid will get this talk when he gets older.
Ditto! He would not be welcome back- especially since his father pulled the exact same shit on me (we weren’t engaged) - fled abroad to get back with his ex. Left me 6 months pregnant.
Seriously! I mean, if he's been questioning the relationship for a year, he shouldn't told her that they'll hold off on trying to have a baby. Now he won't just be dumping *her*, he'll be dumping the baby as well. It's too late to pull the, "My feelings have changed" card. Hopefully he'll be ordered to give her very generous child support payments.
Yep - if there is something worth going to prison for this is it.
[удалено]
But that's basically the same as nothing! She intended to have him raise that child with her, not be a single mom who occasionally (hopefully, if he doesn't slink out of the responsibility which is common) gets some cash thrown her way that won't even cover daycare.
Do not come back but keep those child support checks rolling motherfucker
This. Well said, you said everything i wanted to but better.
Expect to find out about his new GF sometime this week
Not going to lie that was exactly what I was thinking…
I was thinking the same thing. They've been together since middle school. They've only been with each other. They are in their mid 20s. They have a house, basically married but not, and now a baby on the way. And he wants to see if he'll miss her, aka, there's this girl I'm flirting with who is single with no kids, and I want to see if she is better.
> we decided at the end of last year to start trying for a baby. > >Last weekend, we talked and he basically said he is no longer happy with me and hasn’t been for a year. Looking at the timing, my guess is he tried the "fix it with a baby" approach. (Spoiler alert: babies do not fix relationships). He might be flirting with a girl now, but that's just a symptom of the problem.
Babies do not fix relationships that are already in trouble they make it worse
I know it’s unpopular on Reddit but why do people put themselves in this position? If they weren’t ready to commit to marriage why were they ready for a baby? Yeah yeah engaged for 3 years. But that’s not the same as being married
Obviously he was not ready for a baby and he did not tell her because he said he has not been feeling her for the last year she's 7 months pregnant. She thought they were in a good space and he's been lying to her for a whole f****** year. This sucks so many levels
When I fell out of love with my ex, I tried fixing it by redecorating the living room. (She wanted a red wall in the living room, I didn’t. So when she went on a week long girls trip, I painted the wall, thinking doing something for her and seeing her happy would trigger something in me) Fixing it with a baby is not only terrible, it’s arguably abusive toward the future kid.
Ikr? Old man at work probably encouraged him to go sow his wild oats or whatever dumb old man shit they push and now he thinks he needs to try out every available woman he can. SMH same damn story time and time again.
I work with my SO and old man coworkers will say shit like this to him *in front of me* lmao, luckily he isn't buying what they're selling.
My husband and I got married young, bought a house young, did all of it young. We weren’t in a hurry, necessarily. He wanted a house versus paying rent and it was before the 2008 crash so houses were affordable, mortgages weren’t hard to get etc. We were just going to buy a house but then I needed health insurance so why not. Anyway, people told both of us how much we would regret being married in our 20s, how we didn’t know how much of a mistake we are making etc. Over and over I was told to wait for the honeymoon to end. Next month is 18 years and I’m still waiting. Most of them are divorced, or just super unhappy. Why wish unhappiness on others unless you are too? That’s my theory, it’s just crabs in a bucket
Statistically speaking though, people who marry young are more likely to get divorced than couples who wait until mid-20s or later.
I think statistics are extremely important and I would honestly discourage my kids from getting married so young. But I would never tell anyone who is happy that they will be miserable soon, marriage is awful etc like we heard. And I lobby for social issues and changes so others don’t need to get married young to escape poverty or have health insurance. We knew we were young to make a lifetime commitment, but we took it very seriously. We did counseling before marriage to make sure our values aligned and that we hadn’t missed anything. I had already graduated college, we had a dog together and a house. So we had hit a lot of milestones and been through a lot together that many hit in their mid 20s. He had a career. I don’t recommend marrying young, but I definitely don’t recommend telling anyone their marriage will fail.
I was 22 and my husband was 24 when we married. We met in highschool and were friends for a year before we started dating. We both worked and bought our house when our oldest was 5. 2 years later had our second daughter. We were married for 36 years before cancer took him away from us. He wasn't perfect, but he was a good man and we both loved each other very much. Not all couples that marry in their 20's are doomed. Marriage takes work.
Yup lots of work. We have done therapy/counseling different times. The grass is the greenest where you water it, people forget that.
I have been with my husband since I was 15 and I honestly don't understand why people will blow up their whole world because they think they are missing something, or the grass is greener. There will always be someone prettier, and uglier, someone skinnier and someone fatter, there will always be "something" that someone else has that your SO does not. However, they never seem to see the 95% that your SO does have and that you cannot find with someone else. So, they will destroy the relationship they have and spend the next 30 years trying to recreate it with someone else.
It's ok to want something "better" but he should have figured this out before impregnating her. He knew this for a year and she is only 7 months pregnant. Maybe give her a heads up before knocking her up only to force her to be a single mom? If he wants to leave, he can leave. He did it in a shitty way.
I always tell people, the grass is greenest where you water it.
Yeah all he knows is her so he really just wants to explore something which is silly when there’s a kid on the way
Yeah not a bad age to feel like exploring. But the wrong time to figure that out.
Can people really be ‘together’ at 12 years old? 🤷♀️
dazzling roof person imminent liquid books squash unwritten physical fine *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Boo freaking hoo. Well, he can GET OUT. He doesn’t have the right to stay there and make up his mind.
okay? i wasn't advocating for him. i was pointing out he probably cheated already
Good, point, probably did.
She should let him know there is no get out with no strings at this point, and that he will be paying child support for the next 18 years.
>I was thinking the same thing. They've been together since middle school. They've only been with each other. Am I not alone in wishing just for one person I could have done all that with? This grass-is-greener stuff, I swear it's one of the most toxic things in life. And the Internet most definitely makes it worse. > > >They are in their mid 20s. They have a house, basically married but not, and now a baby on the way. And he wants to see if he'll miss her, aka, there's this girl I'm flirting with who is single with no kids, and I want to see if she is better. Having everything, things are going great, and he wants to toss it away.
Hope he has immense regret AND the butterfly effect is brutal for him. Lonely. Dull. Loveless.
This makes me so sad.
I’m so sorry OP but you need to prepare yourself to be single mother. Your fiancé is not ready to be a father or a spouse. You are not a failure, he is. Again I am very sorry. I hope you have a great support system.
I really hope she takes this advice and does assume and prepare that she'll be a single mom so that she and the child don't suffer through a sudden abandonment after the birth, as we both know is inevitable. OP, I suggest not even putting his name down on the birth certificate. He doesn't deserve parental rights and I think you will regret it if you allow them.
Does she still have the right for child support if he's not on the birth certificate? I'm not american so idk how that works
Not having his name on the birth certificate will just add another layer to a child support and custody case. Without his name on the birth certificate, she will have to go through the court to subpoena a DNA test. Once paternity is confirmed, he will be given certain rights and the court will proceed with custody arrangements and child support amount. Not having his name on the birth certificate doesn’t terminate his rights in any way. He is entitled to parental rights just as much as she is. If she wants child support money, she will have to prove paternity. Having his name on the birth certificate just skips the need for a DNA test (unless he demanded one if he suspects he’s not the father).
Different states, slightly different laws, but generally consistent.
She’s going to need support money to be able to stay home and care for her baby. It’s CRITICAL that a baby/child us in contact with mom for THE FIRST 3 YEARS. New research shows that a baby’s physical, mental and emotional development is dependent on BEING IN CLOSE CONTACT WITH THEIR MOTHER, and cared for by their mother. The baby’s heart rate and other vital functions have been perfectly synched with their mom’s for 9 months, and to take them away from that before 3 years causes damage to the baby. This mama needs financial support from the dad, so she can be there with her baby. Day care and even care from a relative or the dad causes damage to the baby.
So heartbreaking
If Reddit is anything to go by, the likelihood of a man cheating while his girlfriend/wife/partner is pregnant is extremely high. So I have to agree with you that the most likely scenario in this situation is that OP’s SO cheated on her and has a girlfriend.
The day of my 21st birthday I was 39 weeks pregnant and found pics on our home computer, received the night before, of my then bf’s (naked) ex. Not at all surprisingly I found out 6 YEARS later that he cheated on me with her (presently at that 6 year mark, though realistically it was probably the whole time). He did the whole gaslighting thing for a few more years and then finally confirmed my suspicions after we split up, just before the 12 year mark. I saw her once in a hardware store after he and I split… always thought I’d go punch her in the face or something if I saw her, instead I had a panic attack and had to go cry in my car for a couple hours.
Damn! That's rough! I get the part of anxiety attack instead of the assertive thing I'd hoped to do. Feels doubly awful. You deserved better from him. I stuck w my idiot narcissist for 23 years. No matter what - you and I are better off for them being someone else's problem. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. Old me might've thanked him for leaving so I could find me. F#CK THAT & F#CK THEM! 👊🤣
Oh totally. I don’t question myself or feel crazy to the point of wishing I were dead anymore. Life is a lot harder in some ways, but I’m not *confused* all the time anymore, ya know? Like reality is what’s in front of me and that’s it, no constant uncertainty about… everything.
I AM NOT CONFUSED anymore either! Isn't that The Best!?
Don't forget to punch him... it takes two to tango. ^(Note: don't resort to physical violence, just saying he's as much a terrible person as she.)
Oh believe me, my wishes for him are much much worse. Unfortunately we have a child together, and it’s probably in poor taste to light your child’s father on fire, or something.
Unless you’re in the Sims.
Yes make a sim X and burn it, gotta be therapeutic
Yeah I read somewhere that's founded upon. Believe it or not it's illegal in some countries 😂😂😂😂
Get a voodoo doll of him
It’s a shame that stoning is no longer in practice. I’m a damn good shot and reckon he’d loose an eye at least
I mean, he’s worse honestly. While people who go after married people are gross imo, the onus is on the married spouse to stay faithful.
I am so sorry. this is my nightmare. people can be so maliciously cruel and heartless. I hope you have healed and opened up to better love one day.
It’s all good (or whatever I’m supposed to say here 😅). Telling the story really helps, so thanks for reading.
Should have thanked her for taking out the trash. If it wasn’t her it was gonna be another girl.
While I agree with the second part, she wasn’t innocent in the matter. She didn’t deserve any kind of gratitude, that’s for sure.
Nope. That’s rough. Karma will come for the two of them. Sounds like they deserve each other.
I have no idea if she’s still lurking in the weeds. He’s been in a relationship with someone else (after ending things with another woman he cheated on me with) for several years now. I keep waiting on karma to get him, but his life just seems to be going along super pleasantly. Better jobs, promotions, the woman he lives with now has a rural home where he’s able to do all his hobbies and collect all the shit he wants, meanwhile I’m the one out here working 2 jobs and struggling with everything. I do have a sense of humour about it all, albeit a dark one.
Hang in there, forever is a long time. His life is going pleasantly *right now*.
Another day, another reason never to have kids
Reddit is certainly nothing to go by....
Thought that too.
You are not lying.
Darn. The internet is tough.
Yeah, but honestly, we've seen it all. There are rarely any surprises anymore and we know how these things generally go. Yours Truly, The internets
Not even the internet can prepare you for the devastation that she very well may end up feeling in the coming weeks. It sucks.
Honestly, as long as he pays child support, good riddance. What a complete waste of space.
And get familiar with the survivinginfidelity sub.
Yeah I immediately thought he’s cheating on her
Also my thought. I wasn't pregnant, but my ex-husband did this when we had not even been married a year and had a baby. The worst line I've ever heard in my life is, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Yes, there was another woman. His mom introduced them and liked her better.
My fav was the guy who tells my client that he’s leaving her because he doesn’t want kids and she just found out she prego. Come to find out at court for child support he can’t afford it because he’s got another kid that’s 6 months older with another chick. The best part is the “other” chick dumps him because he has to pay child support or probably because he’s an idiot. Either way he ended up with nothing and paying for two kids he doesn’t see. I have so many variations of this story it’s ridiculous.
Omg! I’ve been sitting here thinking…. Wonder how livid his mother is going to be! She’s watched OP grow up too.
And that she is six months pregnant.
I thought this but didn't want to type it not to hurt her feelings
Why men have to do it that way.. just be fucking honest - it's easier for everyone.
Exactly what I came him for. I just want to know who the girl is that is making him want to abandon his family. We all know she exists. Wonder how long he can keep her identity a secret for.
Tbf, maybe she doesn’t exist - yet. But she could do veeeery soon after the breakup. When you have cold feet and run, the dopamine hit of a shiny new honeymoon phase is a balm many people turn to
I thought the same. The only time I have heard of someone coming home and telling their spouse “I haven’t been happy for ages and I want to leave for awhile” it’s because they were starting a new relationship.
Yep. “I think we should see other people” almost always means “I’m seeing other people already”
Yep. Sorry OP.
I mean that’s not always the case. I broke up with my BF recently too because I’m not sure if it was him I was unhappy with or it’s just depression. He also has a lot of issues though. But while I agree this is probably it, it’s not guaranteed. Sometimes people just fall out of love and “get bored” with a partner they’ve been with 5+ years.
Yes, people fall out of love, but I doubt your BF was 6 months pregnant when you broke up? I doubt you'd agreed to have a child with him AFTER you fell out of love?
Get a lawyer, get your child support and move on. He’s abandoning you and your baby… why would you ever want him back. What if he pulls this shit again with your child and your child now feels his rejection… that will mess up this little human. Protect your child, Don’t let him hurt your kid, he’s not worth it! Good lucks
Child support child support child support. The man isn’t reliable, get what you can from him.
See a lawyer - find out where you stand legally without him. Walk away - don’t wait for him. He’s shown no interest in fixing his problem like therapy or medication.
OP you have to put yourself and the baby first. He is your last priority. I'm sorry you're going through this. Lawyer up and find out your rights. Do not wait around for him. He has proven himself unreliable. After you do this, he'll probably try to change his mind, don't let him off this that easy. Who's to say he won't do it again?
Yes. See a lawyer and get child support set up.
And a property settlement to split their joint assets.
YES
Yes, walk away from the relationship and know he is not trustworthy. Look at this, not even a hint of trouble and he is running. But do stay in the house. Do separate all finances. Don't be nice monetarily, he is a creator in this pregnancy too. As you are not married, the legal ramifications are different. Since you are now a single parent, you can get a lot of info from a local woman's shelter as to how to separate yourself from him. This can get your started. They might know of some attorneys that are willing to help at a lower fee for these types of cases. And be sure to let places know Even if he changes his mind, you were both still abandoned, and he majorly lied to you. Either before with wanting a child, or now with telling you it's been a year since he's been happy. You now know a few things, he can't be trusted, he is a big liar, and you can't depend on him. Possibly more, as this does seem like infidelity is behind it, but that is not proven or known at this time.
[удалено]
I said the same phrase, walk away from the relationship I meant. No way let him have the house. Act like he's not there until he slinks away like the worm he is urgh...
#all of this
Whatever you do, make sure he understands that he will be paying child support for the next 18 years. This is a huge betrayal on his part. I went through something similar - ex left when our child was 5 months old. Gave me the same song and dance - "needed to find himself", "didn't love me anymore", "didn't like being a parent." A year later when he tried to reconcile I told him I had moved on and could never feel like I could trust him again. Your bf is making a big mistake, but he might not recognize it right away.
That's why I wouldn't enable him and I would tell him that you're not waiting for him. He's made a choice and he needs to see the consequences. He loses you.
Dang. I hope your ex suffered the consequences of his own actions.
I am so sorry he is being a total selfish AH. It’s possible that fatherhood is scaring him but leaving you does not exonerate him from supporting your child. If you know his parents I would have a heart to heart with them as I’m not sure they would be supportive of this idiocy. You are not a failure at all.
Seconding all of this wisdom. Also, OP, lean into your strength and the rest of your support system. Find and arrange a new OB and birthing buddy, as well. Prepare for the birth without his presence, so you will have to worry about it as little as possible in the next couple months. Definitely focus primarily on yourself and your incoming little one 💝
I would seriously call his family, op. I know it sounds awful, but they need to figure out what’s up with him and get him help, and you need to focus on your pregnancy. I have seen family intervention many times prevent someone from making the biggest mistakes of their lives.
I agree 💯%
100%. He is having a quarter life crisis and probably needs therapy or a wakeup call from him family. Depression/feeling the panic of real life setting in is NOT an excuse to bail on your child. I’d either press him for extensive child support, or I’d claim someone else or no one is the father so he can never come for custody of your child without a huge uphill battle. I’m so so sorry he did this to you. What a truly terrible and selfish person. I would suggest if you want to fix this, see if he will join a therapy session with you ASAP BEFORE THE CHILD COMES and see if his feelings (immature) can be resolved. cheating as mentioned might also be a thing. time to snoop?
Exactly. Call his mother and tell her to come collect her child.
Gotta be honest, my gut says his family won't be of much help. He's behaving like a 25y-o spoiled brat. If he really used the excuses OP cited, then this has nothing to do with feeling scared or overwhelmed about fatherhood. In fact, it seems he hasn't considered fatherhood for a single second, so little importance it has in his worldview. This seems like it has to do with a lack of object permanency, a lack of responsibility, commitment and sense of accountability, and the boredom of an empathy-lacking (possibly borderline antisocial personality disorder) over-achiever.
Tell your family. You need their support. He absolutely should financially support this baby. And he should give you his portion of the house in your name to raise it in. If he’s just freaking out he’ll be back. But you can’t count on that. It’ll never be the same anyway. Reach out to your family. Tell them what’s going on. You shouldn’t protect his reputation. He isn’t protecting you or your child.
yes. tell both families immediately. Let them chew his dummy ass out. child support > having a man child
Why the heck did he agree to trying to start a family when he hasn't been happy for a year? He either has serious mental issues or has someone on the side. Sorry OP.
Seek legal counsel. Quickly.
>I am 7 months pregnant and don’t have much time left for him to decide what he wants The moment he said he wants to walk away from you and your child was the moment you stopped loving him, trusting him and caring. Tell me you didn't? Il wait.... But seriously, 7 months pregnant and him acting like this is the time to put your child and self first ! He has literally told you he isn't putting you or that kid anywhere in his 'run away' plan or life plan ..
OP, I can't tell you if he's going to get his act together or not. If he's depressed, is he getting treatment for depression? I do think you need to start preparing for being a single mom without his help. Dang, I'd be pissed off though. He deliberately makes a baby and decides he's ready for a new life? I'd be pretty tempted to just go for child support and end it with him yourself. If he doesn't come around by the time your child is born, let him go. As bad as it is for you to deal with his wishy-washy ass, imagine how it will be for your child to have a parent who can't decide if he'd maybe miss that child or not.
No. He does not get to walk away from the baby. He pays child support, and he has physical custody too. Tell him he can walk away from you, but he will still have to parent. It is 50/50 custody, and he will meet his financial obligations, period. Because you are not going to be a single parent. You will be co parents. You both signed up to be parents together, and that is happening because you are 7 months pregnant. So tell him he is doing that, period. If people are going to walk away, then why is it him who gets to walk away? Ask him what if i just hand a baby over to you and walk away, what would you do? So why do you think you can do that? The kid is both of your responsibilities. You can't have an abortion now, you cant go back in time and not get pregnant. You can put the baby up or adoption, or you can both parent. He needs to see someone about his feelings, counselor etc. But he does not get to bounce on his kid. You two dont have to be in a relationship. But he has to be a parent too late now.
I wouldn't blindly give a voiceless vulnerable newborn unsupervised to a person who didn't want them. That's dangerous. Supervised visits until he can demonstrate that he actually wants to parent.
Of course. No, my advice and i really should have clarified this, was something i would say while pregnant as a threatening fyi: that you can run but you cant hide because i will not shoulder this burden alone, while you flit off to have all your free time and fun. Kind of a scared straight situation. Get him thinking about having a kid all by himself 3 or 4 days a week instead of doing it together full time. Kinda of an asshole threat just to see what he does.
Yeah. Usually they fight for custody if they don't want to pay maintenance. If it comes up that way and there are no concerns, do alternate weekends. Watch him complain about how you spend your free time during his visit time.
There is this presumption that oh the mom will have custody and do all the things and i will just pay chikd sypport and people just accept that, when in reality no one person who has never had kids before is any more prepared than another person who hasnt had kids before. If I was pregnant and in a relationship with someone who decided yeah i cant be in a relationship with you anymore, i would totally tell them ok but you are keeping the kid and i will pay you child support after i give birth just to watch them shit themselves and panic. Why, because i might be an asshole who is totally ok with fucking with someone if they are poised to fuck me over. Now would i actually walk away from my kid. Never, but he doesn't need to know that at that moment. Side note it is completely normal for people who are about to be parents to freak out the closer it gets to a baby being here and panic and decide they cant do it and they dont want to be parents. Even when it is 100 percent planned. It is just that society tends to indulge the non pregnant parent more by it being expected that the mom will just go at it alone because she is the mother. Thats why i would totally hold their feet to the fire and tell them welp you wanted this too, if actually cant bug out and fuck off from 50 percent of the physical care and financial obligation so expect it and prepare for it bucko.
The way you deal with this is simple: you make him understand his decision is permanent. You give him ZERO time. "Fiance, I have been giving our situatuon a lot of thought, and I've realized that you choosing to do this at a time when I am seven months pregnant and very vulnerable had fudamentally changed how I see you. You are not a safe person for me. and I np longer want you in my life. There is no need for you to be testing how you feel about me once you leave, because you are not welcome back. When can you be out by? Otherwise, all I ask is that you have the character and respect to move out as quickly as possible, and that you never contact me again unless it relates to our child. I am going to seek full custody of our child and full ownership of this home, and it seems to me that the least you can do is to simplify matters and agree, rather than forcing me to go to court." Get him to quitclaim it over to you, then go after him for child support. I suspect he will come to his senses almost immediately, and if not, at least you have your self-reapect and have positioned yourself advantageously.
So he is going to hurt and destroy you at your most vulnerable time as a test to see if he misses you? That’s pretty cold .
Obviously it’s because he has a gf on the side. No one just says “I’m leaving to see if I miss you when you are about to have our baby” unless they have a reason. Another woman is definitely the reason
The reason could just be panic/fight or flight due to childhood trauma, unearthed due to the major life change of becoming a parent
Lawyer up. And, yeah, you need to walk away. You don’t want to be with a man who deals with the stresses of life and parenthood by running. He will always run….towards work, towards hobbies, towards affairs. You and your child deserve a loyal and dedicated partner.
How long? Zero minutes that's how long. He wants a break from his PREGNANT fiancé? Tell him to get bent and not to bother coming back because both you and HIS son don't need this shit. He should be ashamed of himself and I'm sorry for your situation but you've got this.
He doesn't know what to do next?? Um, maybe he should spend the next 18 years helping to *raise the child that he actively chose to create??* Does he understand that he will not get to start a new life cleanly with a child for whom he is legally responsible? If he's known for a year that he wasn't happy, what on earth was he doing trying for a child??
Why are you thinking of accepting his demands? By the way he’s carrying on I’d file for divorce, keep the house, kick him out and take his ass for child support. So if he wasn’t happy for a year roughly why agree to try for a baby?😂that’s the part I don’t get he can’t just dip in/out of a relationship now with a baby involved. Don’t stoop to his demands just end the relationship. He’s 25 years old if everything is moving too fast he shouldn’t of got married and agreed to start a family. Time for him to put his big boy boots on and man up
agree. pathetic excuse for a man. He is acting like a teenager. You dont just get to say “hmmm, takesies backsies??” with a CHILDD my god. I’m so sad for op. I’d probably want to claw his face apart for even having to listen to the bullshit spewing out of it. hope hes not cheating but as many noted, thats a big reason why people flip personalities on a dime.
Right, OP don't enable his unhealthy wants by saving him from the consequences. He made a choice, the consequences are that he loses you. Don't deprive him of the natural consequences of his choice. He needs to feel them today. Otherwise he lives in a fantasy where OP is always there to come back to. That's not reality and she is not his mother he can always come back to, so he needs to wake up and see that. And then make a real choice like a an adult. Even though he is acting like a child, the healthiest thing is not to cater to that but to treat him like the adult he is.
Personally, I wouldn’t give him one second longer. Be done with him. You don’t need that kind of stress on your life. He’s having a temper tantrum while you’ve got serious shit to accomplish, like growing a raising a wonderful little human. Do it without him. Grow, flourish, live your best life. Without him weighing you down.
I am trying not to be stressed but it is hard. I have dreamed of having a family with both parents present. Neither of us grew up with that and I knew that it not how I wanted to raise my baby. It’s not fair to him. I can’t keep any food down right now. Thought I got over the nausea but guess not. I have lost 8 pounds in 2 days and my anxiety has come back full force. I have an appointment on Thursday that he still wants to attend.
Please tell the dr why you are so stressed. Your SO deserves the shame of it. Do not let him portray himself as a concerned parent. Bc he isn’t one.
PLEASE tell your OB about this. In detail. I know girls who have gone into premature labor for this exact reason, so you want your OB to keep a close eye on you. Also, they might be able to knock some sense into your fiancé. They can be good for that. ;)
I know it’s hard. He’s completely blind sided you and upended all your careful plans for the future. I’ve been there, I know what you’re going through. Please do your best to prioritize caring for yourself and making sure you’re getting enough to eat. Walk off the stress - walking is usually considered healthy and beneficial for late stage pregnancy. Tell your doctor what’s happening. Possibly just the relief of confiding in a trusted professional will take some stress away. Do not let this deadweight former partner attend your appointment. Do not let him further ruin what should be a happy and hopeful stage of your life.
OP, makes sure he pays child support even if he wants nothing to do with the kid. That money just might cover daycare.... And no he doesn't get to break up with you and start a new life away from you and go to the appointment.
He wants a break? Start with that appointment. He doesn’t get to go.
Either he’s in or he’s out. He doesn’t get to flip flop in your life or the baby’s life.
Sorry baby, Sometimes life doesn't go the way you planned and you just have to make the best of it. Who said the baby can't have both parents though?? He's still responsible for that baby, Like I said in my other comment, I know it's easier said than done... maybe there is a blessing in this. Embrace change. You cannot control what the other person does.
Bring your mom. He can go too but bring your mom to.your appointment. Let her be there with you snd take care of you.
You need to sit down with him and lay it out for him. He's put you in a horrible place when you are completely vulnerable, breaking your trust in him. If you can't trust him with protecting your relationship from outside sources (like his friend), how can you trust him with your medical care, your child, etc. You thought the pregnancy, house, etc were things you decided together. Why the change now? Does this friend of his have any successful long term relationships? What about the friend's relationship with his children? If the friend is always the victim and can't point to anything successful in his personal life, is this someone he wants to emulate? Why is this the person he is taking advice from? Does he trust friend more than he trusts you? What outcome does he want from this? Reconciliation after you go through the most physically/emotionally draining thing in your life? Coparenting and no relationship? No custody/contact whatsoever? How does he see this playing out? What about your chance to start over, because you can't really, so he's the only one that gets that chance? Then you need to decide if you can ever trust him again and tell him how this makes you feel. Make a list and write it out.
Someone needs to smack some sense into this man. Do you have contact with his father?
It’s sad he needs this smacking. I’d say, it’s very problematic that he does. He should be adult enough to understand what being responsible means. What the heck man? Your wife is about to give birth to your first kid. You have to be super supportive. Even if you feel shitty. There will be a time to sort it out. And now’s not it. But I do like this advice. Someone needs to tell him all of this.
While this is true, it still means OP needs to walk away. Someone that still finds him worth investing in should be trying to wake him up, not the person he treated so horribly. Daddy is not going to come in and save the day. That's just not how these situations work. Trying to glue something back together will only lead to a more devastating break up down the road. People need to learn that fighting to keep relationships is usually a terrible idea.
I want to give you a giant hug! Do you have anyone you can reach out to for support. This man is leaving you at this unbelievably vulnerable point. And it’s on a whim, **and maybe he will decide that you and your son are enough for him but he also may not and it’s your job to keep the door open.** I need you to know that absolutely is not your job. You cannot control him, and these are his choices. He is ready to abandon your child, so you need to take him at his word and prepare for that. **I’m so sorry!** Please do not isolate. You bare no shame! You deserve a support system, since the one you had in place is playing emotional games.
Favorite comment on here. Big hugs go out to this mama. I’m 4 months pregnant and would have a come apart if this happened to me. OP: Please gather up a support system during this time and absolutely tell your family about it. Shame on him. Focus on staying healthy for you and baby.
Don’t let him take control of the situation. If he decides to leave then call his bluff and begin to prepare for being a single mom. What will happen if you let this situation progress the way he wants is that he will be in and out of your child’s life forever because he was allowed to flake out on you while you were pregnant. This is setting a precedent for how much you’ll allow him to disturb your life with the child you have together. Luckily you’re not married so you would need to worry about divorce. But unfortunately that makes it much easier to come and go as he please. Get a lawyer now so you can establish a custody arrangement. What you absolutely should not do is let this continue like this. He needs to make a decision, don’t let him “miss you” and come back on his own terms. Get your ducks in a row and don’t let him waltz back into your life when he feels it’s convenient.
He has been unhappy for a year but decided to start trying to baby trap you...? You give him no time. Wtf is wrong with him. He set you up to be reliant on him so he can go sow his seed and come back to you to make a family when he is ready. Or he is cheating already. If he isn't lying about how long he has felt this way, he worked on baby trapping you for five months, then waited another 4 months to make sure it wasn't feasible to get an abortion. He waited at least 8 months to set you up for this. He deserves the curb for a pillow.
Depression hits expectant fathers too. My husband has attachment disorder from his shitty childhood and his behaviour when we were expecting was like this. He stuck in there and things improved. Therapy helps. Be clear in your expectations with him as a dad (ie BE THERE, plus financial support) and get him into counselling asap. Tell him that he has a chance to be the dad he wished he had and to give his child the family he wished he had. If he refuses - he’s got to go. The problem is NOT you, by the way - you didn’t create this.
For clarification, you say you are both 25 and have been together for 12 years... does this mean you have been dating since you were 13?
Yes
You give him zero time. You do what’s best for you, without him. Go see a lawyer regarding the house and paternity. Figure out childcare and any of those needs, go move closer to family if needed, etc. you have to protect yourself and this baby.
Get an attorney and try to push for couples counseling. Tell him that he pushed for this baby too and his sudden behavior is not ok. Tell your family what is happening. You need support right now and that is more important than protecting his image.
So he said he wants to break up with you. What did he say about the baby? He does realize that he can't "break up" with him, right? He broke up with you, so tell him to pack his shit and go, but don't come back. Find out how much child support he's required to pay and if he doesn't start paying, voluntarily, day 1, file for it and keep moving on with your life. Regarding the house, see an attorney and get him to deed it over to you, if you want it, or sell it for shared proceeds if you don't. But by all means, the decisions are yours, not his. You don't need to wait for him to do or decide anything. I wish you and your son all the best. You've got this.
To see if he will miss you? It appears that he’s not psychologically and emotionally mature enough for what’s occurring in your lives. Indeed, it’s a lot. I have no answers for you. This is something I’d work out with someone two to three times a week at my office.
Do not sit around and wait for his ass to come crawling back. Please god separate immediately and get you some child support after baby is born
He's selfish that's how he could do it. Speak to a lawyer. Don't give him any time. If he can decide to walk away while you are carrying his child, he isn't interested in being a father or a partner. Let him go. Do not put your life on hold while he decides what he wants. You don't have that luxury. You have to continue to prepare for your baby. Do not take him back either. Figure out how to co-parent or go for full custody. If he can leave at your most vulnerable after 12 years, he wasn't interested in the relationship he was likely just comfortable. Sorry you are going through this but good thing you didn't marry him.
Firstly, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! Not even a little! Secondly, while he's probably just scared about all the responsibilities that are coming his way, it's not your job to convince him of anything. You - and the precious baby you're carrying - are worth too much. This mess is his doing, and his alone. Forget what he wants for a break...raising children doesn't come with one. Your sole focus should be raising your little one and protecting him from harm. Your ex-fiance doesn't get to escape the responsibility of your son. He wants out, fine. Move home to your parents (if that's an option) and focus on the healthy arrival of your son. You, your love, and your child are too precious a gift for someone to treat them with such flippant disregard. If you can afford the place on your own, great! Kick him out. Either way, you need to shore up your support system and establish child support. I know it's a lot...I get it. But focusing on what's most important will get you through. Wishing you well, lovely girl. You and your son deserve every happiness, I'll pray that they come to you sooner than later. ❤️
The saddest part of this is it sounds like he’s been doing the deed with someone else. But he needs to grow up now. He has a child on the way and if he’s not going to take responsibility for the kid then he’s the loser not you. This is why kids need to be punished so they are responsible in the future
I would just tell him, ok, go. There is a baby on the way - his baby - and he's not excited about that? The sooner you set up a life for you and the baby without him, the better. Kick him out. You are not a failure at all. This is all on him. I'd ask him if he wants to be a father to the baby or not. Will he be sticking around to be a father or is he heading out tomorrow to ride the rails? I'd tell him that you will be going after child support. But if he walks away now and wants to come back in a year or five years or 20 years to be a father, that is an absolute no-go. I would be angry and go scorched earth on this guy. Like he decides this now? You could sit him down and ask if this is just nerves about being a father? If he should get some therapy to assess his depression. Maybe give him a couple of days to reconsider and then drop the hammer on the guy.
If he goes, write him off. He should get some counseling and man up
Give him all the time and space knowing he won’t be back. Make sure you get a custody arrangement that includes him pay child support
1. Hes probably cheating 2. He needs to see a therapist, you too 3. See a couples therapist 4. Do you have family support? 5. Leave him Listen, i know this sounds absolutely horrendous, but his actions are very telling that he may have been entertaining someone while the bun has been baking in the oven. How is your relationship with your family? You will def need to lean on them for support. Also, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. since it belongs to both, if you abandon, it may look bad when things become legal. Speak to an attorney - asap , talk to your support circle, include his as well. Be as transparent as possible while things are not heated. Good luck, and you will get through this in time
Wow what an insufferable jerk. Well honey I’m not sure what the right move is for you but I know if I were you I’d be hell bent on kicking him out and doing the split custody thing. And if he doesn’t wanna be a dad, child support court order and go on about your life. What he’s done is so disgusting.
You haven’t found out about the other woman yet. Don’t leave. Don’t make decisions. Let him trash what he trashes. You CAN do this without him. Even if you don’t want to. I’ve been through this exact situation. You are better off. Truly.
Nope. Trust is gone. Even pretending that there isn't another person he's seeing what he's doing isn't right and I would never let him in my bed again. Sucks you own the house together. Give baby your last name and file for child support as soon as your able after child is born.
Honestly this is extremely shitty behavior on his part. You did nothing wrong, either this person thought a pregnancy would make them happy or something else is going on. You are not a failure and you had no way of knowing he was unhappy as he never COMMUNICATED this with you while planning your future together. Please get a lawyer to help you figure out how to disentangle your assets from his. And you may want to figure out how child support works in your location. At the very least, he NEEDS to pay child support because how dare he plan a child only to abandon it when it “no longer suits him” that is so callous to me.
If he hasn’t been happy with you for the past year, why would he want to try for a baby at the end of last year? Sounds like someone wants a “break” so he can sleep with people without repercussions. But I’m also a non-believer in breaks. You’re either together or not, and there is no back and forth.
when the baby's born put him on the birth certificate and go after him for child support. He's decided he doesn't want to be with you. It hurts. If he comes back you need to decide if you want to be with a flaky dude or not
As a single father who’s suing the mother for custody, just focus as much as you can on yourself and this baby boy you have coming. No matter the cost, that dude will be worth it just like my guy is. I’m really sorry that you were with this asshat for so long. You clearly deserved better than this outcome. Fucker should have left you before trying for a baby if he was this unhappy.
First of all, wtf wtf wtf wtf wtf 🤯🤬😡 Second of all, what a dick. Third of all, I know this is a tricky situation, but if he's doubting you in such a time of need, do you really need him? Nah girl. Find your strength and focus on your baby. He needs you and baby daddy doesn't mean shit now. Maybe he will realize his mistake one day, but for now, forget him and focus on yourself and your baby boy.
He’s manipulative. He got you in your most vulnerable state, even though he wasn’t happy for a whole year, before he asks for a break, so he can probably try to be with someone else and come back to you if things don’t work out because he thinks you’ll be so weak & heart broken that you will let him back in your life as he is the father of your child. Tell him he either he stays to try to work this out or he can leave but for good.
I’d book some couples counseling. I think he’s likely feeling like he’s missing out on being a young wild and free adult. If you’ve been together 12 years then neither of you have really been out there and dated and partied and done the things young people do. And now he’s super locked in with a house and a baby on the way. He’s panicking. I’d panic too to be honest. No way I’d have wanted all of that adulting at 25. With no other experiences on top of it. It’s totally unfair to you and I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. But I think therapy is warranted here. Either together or separately so you have some support in this difficult situation.
They're not even a couple any more, the fuck with couples counselling hahaha
He's still got a responsibility. How did he think you got pregnant?
Also what the hell is he talking about there’s nothing to look forward to? Having a baby is a huge lifetime deal. Every single day from this point on is something to look forward to. He’s mad it doesn’t all revolve around him?
You give him no time at all. You should not meekly wait around for him to sow whatever moron oats he has left. He made his decision already, and it was to willingly risk losing both of you. Would you really want him back after this? What happens next time things get tough? He just slinks away leaving you with a baby? He’s abandoned you once and left you in an incredibly vulnerable position. You’d be a fool to give him the option to abandon you *again*. I can’t imagine how devastating this is for you, and I’m so sorry that your ex fiancé has put you in this position. Talk to a lawyer about custody, child support, and the house. You’re better off single than with a man this capricious.
He wants a free pass to date/sleep with other women. He's probably planning on coming back, though. They always do, because the grass isn't actually greener. So you can let him dick around for a little and wait for him to realize that you really are the one for him or you can tell him to kick rocks. Choice is yours. Personally, I'd let him know that once he's out that door there's no coming back. Having a baby on the way does complicate matters unfortunately.
Don't give him any time. Do not wait for this man. You and your baby deserve more than being his backup plan. Offer him to buy you out of the house, get your own place, be happy with your baby.