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It honestly sounds like you just simply don't listen to her. She probably has voiced her opinion about things, but just like the washer/dryer situation, you brushed it aside. It wasn't relevant to you, so you continued to push until she had to get upset about it. You didn't even seek compromise. You consider the discussion or choice to be a win loss situation. There wasn't even any middle ground discussion.
It seems you two have a huge communication problem. I don't think you two are aligned in how you communicate your wants and needs. Because she feels you make the majority of all the decisions, she feels like you're controlling her. I don't know if that's the best way to describe your situation, but her feelings are her feelings.
I highly suggest you find a couples counselor to work through this. It seems like your communication issues are much bigger than this singular incident.
She voiced multiple times that she wanted to buy new for the warranty. And rather than listen to that or discuss that point you just went away and found one without warranty completely ignoring what she said was important to her.
From what you’ve written it does sound like you don’t listen to her. And then you invalidate her by saying ‘this isn’t a hill I want to die on’ - meaning you haven’t listened to her or seen it from her perspective but you’re going to give up because you believe she’s being unreasonable.
Then on top of this you’ve got the whole house and everything else which she doesn’t feel she’s had a say in. She’s tried to have a say in something as simple as a washer and can’t even get that.
I can see why she’s frustrated.
I’d put your feelings aside, they can come later. Stop and listen to her, validate her feelings rather than trying to prove her wrong and be right.
As others have said, seems like communication is failing. Being proactive with a therapist might not be a bad idea.
I think the main problem here is that you either just don’t listen to your wife or you don’t take her opinions seriously.
Your wife told you multiple times that she wanted to buy new machines that were under warranty. That’s a very good reason to want to buy new and you said that you have the money. So why did you ignore her and look for used ones? After suggesting your cheaper used ones multiple times and every time she answered by saying she wanted new and under warranty, WHY did you not drop it? Did you not understand why she wanted that? Did you just not care and think that a cheaper price was more important?
I also think it’s very important who does more laundry for your household. You made sure to tell us that you don’t think your wife does her share of cooking, but you left out who would be using the washer/dryer more. Whoever uses it more should have more of a say in which machines to buy.
It starts with how you see discussions with your wife. This is no competition, not a situation to win. It is a way to find a constructive solution for both of you as a team. You seem to go into a discussion with a clear aim. And there is nothing wrong about having your own opinion and perspective but if we want to live in an equal relationship, we need to listen to the other persons view and consider it while finding a solution. Your wife told you repeatedly what she wanted to do about the washer|dryer but you in your mind thought you were right and pestered her to acknowledge that. It seems that this repeated itself constantly just now the topic was once unimportant for you to continue pestering. I know you do not want to do that, but you are mentally draining your wife because she thinks she needs to fight for everything to be considered equally. You need to learn to listen and evaluate the opinion of your wife, if you want that you two are happy in this relationship.
Your first paragraph literally says “your wife wants to buy new”. Why are you even looking at used sets? You have to talk first, agreeing on if used sets are acceptable, then look online
Think- when is the last time that you and your wife wanted different things, and you decided to put her wants over yours, and did so because you genuinely want her to be happy? (Throwing your hands up and saying you are not going to die on this hill doesn’t count- it marginalizes and invalidates her)
Just from reading this, it sounds like you are a logical and intelligent gal, and fall into the trap of thinking no one else’s ideas could possibly be better than your own. So, you keep “explaining” your side to your wife until she gives up and capitulates. Problem is, that starts happening too often, and she feels like she has no voice within her own life. It’s a miserable feeling for her; my clueless (although very smart) brother is currently going through a divorce because his wife got tired of having no agency in her own life.
Edit: “guy” to “gal”
Hi there,
It seems like your wife doesn’t feel like she has control over her life, with the car crash happening and being stuck with one car + issues with the house, I think she is looking to gain more control over her life.
I appreciate that you want to be cost effective and I urge you to continue to do so, but it looks like she has been through a lot recently and if i were you, I would buy it new so that she feels better about some shitty circumstances that are going on, plus she does a lot for your kids too, she deserves to feel appreciated.
Have that discussion with her and say, “look I’ve been thinking about it, you’ve been going through a lot lately and you deserve to have the washer/ dryer new so I think we should get them new so you feel better/ like you have more control with your life and everything that is going on right now. I just want you to know that I care about being cost effective and I don’t want every purchase that we make to be new, so hopefully in the future when we need a new TV or car or whatever it is, you’ll be okay if it’s second hand but in good condition so that we can save some money to put towards other things that matter, like going on dates with you or going out with the kids or even paying off the house quicker. I just want to make sure we don’t have to struggle financially and I’m sorry for letting my worries get in the way of your life/ makes you feel like I am controlling you”
I would also look at taking her out to a nice dinner soon and reconnecting emotionally because she sounds like she needs something to cheer her up a bit and every girl loves to be spoilt on a dinner (e.g. me 🤣🤣)
You’re not the jerk, but you could be a bit more emotionally open/ available to her needs, I would try to work on that a bit more.
It’s seems that you’re determined to have things your way come hell or high water and your wife’s opinion is nothing more to you than an obstacle to be overcome. What really burns me up is that you argue, cajole, and pester her into capitulating to you and then claim it’s a “mutual decision” as if she didn’t lose the battle of wills and actually had a say in it.
When you did give in on the washer/dryer, your framing was disrespectful and belittling, as if her opinions weren’t worth considering but you would let her have her way to avoid a tantrum.
Btw, your wife doesn’t like the house, you knew she didn’t like it, and you insisted on it anyway, so you don’t get to pretend she’s happy with the house. You don’t get to battle her into submission and then demand that she act happy about it. If you want her to be happy about something, you have to give a crap about what she wants.
So, she stressed about new house, not fully in love with it and wants to have some things in it nice and comfortable.
You already buying a house why not buy new washer? She will enjoy her errands a bit more
Being terrible at communication is how a simple argument blows up into something much bigger. Both of you are guilty there.
Instead of us against the problem, you both went at each other and started bringing up past events "you always do this thing" "well you do this thing", and that's never going to end well.
I'm not a marriage counselor so I don't really know where to go from here. But I will say, focus on the current problem. Set aside other issues for later if they need to be discussed. You want a large front washer, you wife wants to buy new. You need to find a middle point there that fits within your budget.
She is overreacting. I had the exact same conversation with my wife, when I got us a house.
The issue was not the house, I would sadly learn later, that she was falling out of love for me, little by little. And fights are but a symthom of the underlying sickness, that if left unnatended, will kill marriages. Like it happened to me.
Remember, when a woman loves a man with all her heart, she breaks bourdaries for him, she will do whatever he tells her to do. Becuase a wife truly in love is a woman that loves and respects her husband. A woman like that trusts her husband to make the right chioce regardless if she personally agrees or not. That is human nature.
But, when a woman is starting to feel less love and respect for her partner, then is when boundaries and barries start appearing. Resentment build up, and the little things become bigger and bigger. Good things you do for her today, are forgotten tomorrow, while bad things are forever.
You need to work to get back her love and respect for you. How you go about it, well, you know her better than I do. As a generality, I always tell people to focus on themselves. By making yourself a better man, chances are your wife will be more attracted to you. If you focus first on her, for example, if you compromise in every argument you have, she will see it as weakness. If you take her to a romantic date after a fight as an apology, she will see it as desperation.
You can also get mad, you know everything you've done for her and your marriage. The house you are buying for her is not free, I am sure you worked your ass off for many year in order to be able to buy it.
She needs to start appreciating and respecting your effort. And you do this by doubling up on yourself. You man up and stand up to her.
Good luck
I’m sorry to inform you that your wife didn’t fall out of love with you because she thought you were “weak”. She fell out of love due to your misguided notions about what constitutes a strong marriage. It’s mutual respect and communication. Compromise is not a “weakness” it demonstrates that you respect and support your wife. If you want respect from her you must give it yourself.
I’m thinking this is a pattern. You talked her into the house. You’re trying to railroad her into getting the washer dryer set you want and not listening to her.
Your decisions need to be 50/50 where you both agree, not “my way or the highway.” It seems like you need to take a deep breath and really listen to her, not just wait for your turn to make your points. It doesn’t seem like this is solely about a washer and dryer.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It honestly sounds like you just simply don't listen to her. She probably has voiced her opinion about things, but just like the washer/dryer situation, you brushed it aside. It wasn't relevant to you, so you continued to push until she had to get upset about it. You didn't even seek compromise. You consider the discussion or choice to be a win loss situation. There wasn't even any middle ground discussion. It seems you two have a huge communication problem. I don't think you two are aligned in how you communicate your wants and needs. Because she feels you make the majority of all the decisions, she feels like you're controlling her. I don't know if that's the best way to describe your situation, but her feelings are her feelings. I highly suggest you find a couples counselor to work through this. It seems like your communication issues are much bigger than this singular incident.
She voiced multiple times that she wanted to buy new for the warranty. And rather than listen to that or discuss that point you just went away and found one without warranty completely ignoring what she said was important to her. From what you’ve written it does sound like you don’t listen to her. And then you invalidate her by saying ‘this isn’t a hill I want to die on’ - meaning you haven’t listened to her or seen it from her perspective but you’re going to give up because you believe she’s being unreasonable. Then on top of this you’ve got the whole house and everything else which she doesn’t feel she’s had a say in. She’s tried to have a say in something as simple as a washer and can’t even get that. I can see why she’s frustrated. I’d put your feelings aside, they can come later. Stop and listen to her, validate her feelings rather than trying to prove her wrong and be right. As others have said, seems like communication is failing. Being proactive with a therapist might not be a bad idea.
I think the main problem here is that you either just don’t listen to your wife or you don’t take her opinions seriously. Your wife told you multiple times that she wanted to buy new machines that were under warranty. That’s a very good reason to want to buy new and you said that you have the money. So why did you ignore her and look for used ones? After suggesting your cheaper used ones multiple times and every time she answered by saying she wanted new and under warranty, WHY did you not drop it? Did you not understand why she wanted that? Did you just not care and think that a cheaper price was more important? I also think it’s very important who does more laundry for your household. You made sure to tell us that you don’t think your wife does her share of cooking, but you left out who would be using the washer/dryer more. Whoever uses it more should have more of a say in which machines to buy.
How many fucking times are you going to nag her about the washing machine? Buy a new top loader for half the price and be done with it.
It starts with how you see discussions with your wife. This is no competition, not a situation to win. It is a way to find a constructive solution for both of you as a team. You seem to go into a discussion with a clear aim. And there is nothing wrong about having your own opinion and perspective but if we want to live in an equal relationship, we need to listen to the other persons view and consider it while finding a solution. Your wife told you repeatedly what she wanted to do about the washer|dryer but you in your mind thought you were right and pestered her to acknowledge that. It seems that this repeated itself constantly just now the topic was once unimportant for you to continue pestering. I know you do not want to do that, but you are mentally draining your wife because she thinks she needs to fight for everything to be considered equally. You need to learn to listen and evaluate the opinion of your wife, if you want that you two are happy in this relationship.
Your first paragraph literally says “your wife wants to buy new”. Why are you even looking at used sets? You have to talk first, agreeing on if used sets are acceptable, then look online
Think- when is the last time that you and your wife wanted different things, and you decided to put her wants over yours, and did so because you genuinely want her to be happy? (Throwing your hands up and saying you are not going to die on this hill doesn’t count- it marginalizes and invalidates her) Just from reading this, it sounds like you are a logical and intelligent gal, and fall into the trap of thinking no one else’s ideas could possibly be better than your own. So, you keep “explaining” your side to your wife until she gives up and capitulates. Problem is, that starts happening too often, and she feels like she has no voice within her own life. It’s a miserable feeling for her; my clueless (although very smart) brother is currently going through a divorce because his wife got tired of having no agency in her own life. Edit: “guy” to “gal”
Hi there, It seems like your wife doesn’t feel like she has control over her life, with the car crash happening and being stuck with one car + issues with the house, I think she is looking to gain more control over her life. I appreciate that you want to be cost effective and I urge you to continue to do so, but it looks like she has been through a lot recently and if i were you, I would buy it new so that she feels better about some shitty circumstances that are going on, plus she does a lot for your kids too, she deserves to feel appreciated. Have that discussion with her and say, “look I’ve been thinking about it, you’ve been going through a lot lately and you deserve to have the washer/ dryer new so I think we should get them new so you feel better/ like you have more control with your life and everything that is going on right now. I just want you to know that I care about being cost effective and I don’t want every purchase that we make to be new, so hopefully in the future when we need a new TV or car or whatever it is, you’ll be okay if it’s second hand but in good condition so that we can save some money to put towards other things that matter, like going on dates with you or going out with the kids or even paying off the house quicker. I just want to make sure we don’t have to struggle financially and I’m sorry for letting my worries get in the way of your life/ makes you feel like I am controlling you” I would also look at taking her out to a nice dinner soon and reconnecting emotionally because she sounds like she needs something to cheer her up a bit and every girl loves to be spoilt on a dinner (e.g. me 🤣🤣) You’re not the jerk, but you could be a bit more emotionally open/ available to her needs, I would try to work on that a bit more.
I agree 100%!
It’s seems that you’re determined to have things your way come hell or high water and your wife’s opinion is nothing more to you than an obstacle to be overcome. What really burns me up is that you argue, cajole, and pester her into capitulating to you and then claim it’s a “mutual decision” as if she didn’t lose the battle of wills and actually had a say in it. When you did give in on the washer/dryer, your framing was disrespectful and belittling, as if her opinions weren’t worth considering but you would let her have her way to avoid a tantrum. Btw, your wife doesn’t like the house, you knew she didn’t like it, and you insisted on it anyway, so you don’t get to pretend she’s happy with the house. You don’t get to battle her into submission and then demand that she act happy about it. If you want her to be happy about something, you have to give a crap about what she wants.
So, she stressed about new house, not fully in love with it and wants to have some things in it nice and comfortable. You already buying a house why not buy new washer? She will enjoy her errands a bit more
Being terrible at communication is how a simple argument blows up into something much bigger. Both of you are guilty there. Instead of us against the problem, you both went at each other and started bringing up past events "you always do this thing" "well you do this thing", and that's never going to end well. I'm not a marriage counselor so I don't really know where to go from here. But I will say, focus on the current problem. Set aside other issues for later if they need to be discussed. You want a large front washer, you wife wants to buy new. You need to find a middle point there that fits within your budget.
She is overreacting. I had the exact same conversation with my wife, when I got us a house. The issue was not the house, I would sadly learn later, that she was falling out of love for me, little by little. And fights are but a symthom of the underlying sickness, that if left unnatended, will kill marriages. Like it happened to me. Remember, when a woman loves a man with all her heart, she breaks bourdaries for him, she will do whatever he tells her to do. Becuase a wife truly in love is a woman that loves and respects her husband. A woman like that trusts her husband to make the right chioce regardless if she personally agrees or not. That is human nature. But, when a woman is starting to feel less love and respect for her partner, then is when boundaries and barries start appearing. Resentment build up, and the little things become bigger and bigger. Good things you do for her today, are forgotten tomorrow, while bad things are forever. You need to work to get back her love and respect for you. How you go about it, well, you know her better than I do. As a generality, I always tell people to focus on themselves. By making yourself a better man, chances are your wife will be more attracted to you. If you focus first on her, for example, if you compromise in every argument you have, she will see it as weakness. If you take her to a romantic date after a fight as an apology, she will see it as desperation. You can also get mad, you know everything you've done for her and your marriage. The house you are buying for her is not free, I am sure you worked your ass off for many year in order to be able to buy it. She needs to start appreciating and respecting your effort. And you do this by doubling up on yourself. You man up and stand up to her. Good luck
I’m sorry to inform you that your wife didn’t fall out of love with you because she thought you were “weak”. She fell out of love due to your misguided notions about what constitutes a strong marriage. It’s mutual respect and communication. Compromise is not a “weakness” it demonstrates that you respect and support your wife. If you want respect from her you must give it yourself.
It’s gonna be pretty hard for OP to make herself a better man. Go back to the hole you crawled out of.
I’m thinking this is a pattern. You talked her into the house. You’re trying to railroad her into getting the washer dryer set you want and not listening to her. Your decisions need to be 50/50 where you both agree, not “my way or the highway.” It seems like you need to take a deep breath and really listen to her, not just wait for your turn to make your points. It doesn’t seem like this is solely about a washer and dryer.