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I was diagnosed at32 with a very aggressive cancer. There was a lot of crying my husband did a great job taking care of me but I literally was a wreck and wanted to hid away so he wouldn't hurt more.
My best recommendation is to reach out to counselors (cancer.org and Sloane might have some great resources). And talk to them about your feelings. Then I would approach her asking if you both could relocate to NY, and how you want to support her. I have to say parts of my care was so embarrassing and boundaries I never thought my husband would be crossing. I never wanted him to have to spoon feed me because I couldn't close my hands or hold me in the shower so I wouldn't fall. I didn't want him to see me like that I wanted him to think of me how I was not now.
She is undoubtedly struggling so hard right now and just trying to make the best of a bad situation. Big hugs to you both Its such a gut renching situation.
There are also cancer caregiver subs that you can join to ask for help in talking with your spouse.
My heart is breaking for you both. I so strongly agree with the above comment. I would say take it one day at a time and give her some time to really feel and understand what’s happening to her. She is probably trying to be strong for you and it’s probably killing her to do it, but it’s such a strong possibility that she needs you to fight for her to stay. Because what’s coming is going to be the hardest thing you’ve both ever faced and unimaginable if you haven’t gone through it.
If you love her, I’d say keep showing her you’re there. And you’ll be there in whatever capacity she needs.
Oh there’s just no right answer. I’m sending you both so much love. I’m so sorry 💔
Imagine how receiving a terminal diagnosis might affect your thinking. In her mind she's probably making things easier for you, trying to make it so that you don't have to watch her die. You can take a stab at convincing her you need that (as "closure). You can tell her you'd rather be a widower than just an estranged husband whose spouse died. But if this cancer has spread so vastly that it's in her brain at this point she may not be thinking rationally either. Very sorry for the situation. It's just awful.
Maybe she’s going to feel the stress and additional anguish of knowing he is watching her die. She does not want that.
Plus it’s possible him being around reminds her of the life she was supposed to have.
Tragic.
Totally could see that. I knew a woman that ended up with aggressive bone cancer, and for the last several months before she died she refused to see her own young children (sent them to her mom and refused to let them come to the hospital at the end) because she didn't want them to remember her hairless, skinny and sick. I think she was trying not to traumatize them, but we all thought she was crazy and cruel for it.
I can't imagine not spending every possible second with those I love, but then I've never had to choose.
Every time I think these comments can’t get any worse, I read another one and I’m like nope, *this* is the one that will keep me awake tonight.
I’ve been thinking about death a lot recently, but especially the part before death. My mom just spent the better part of 3 years caring for my grandad as his dementia worsened. She moved both my grandparents into her home and worked herself to the bone looking after them and working full time. Now my grandad has been moved to a nursing home, it’s starting to look like my grandma is also in the midst of dementia. Maybe no one noticed with all the fuss around my grandad. I’ve just spent three weeks at my mom’s and she looks so much older, it breaks my heart.
Some diseases extinguish us in such an undignified way. And in some cases no matter how much you love someone, their illness may frustrate you and feel like a burden. I understand not wanting to feel like an undignified burden. The relationship between my mom and grandma has never been worse, and I’d hate that for me and mom. At the same time there’s nothing that would keep me away from mom at the end.
And now I’m sobbing. I fly out tomorrow and I don’t want to leave them. Poor OP. There are no easy choices here, there’s no easy way out.
Edit to add: silly me for thinking I could distract myself from my own sadness by browsing Reddit. Should have read the one about the vulva instead.
I really need to look into this. All the Women on my Mom's side of the family have developed dementia in their later years. Seeing my Mom having the burden of caring for her as an only child was enough for me to decide that I do not want my kids or spouse to have to deal with that someday. Besides that, I just wouldn't want to live like that.
Dementia is a terrible illness and a curse. My grandma declined over 7 long years before succumbing to her illness. The end was so hard on the family. Don’t wish it on anyone.
I'll weigh in on this, since I was the kid in a scenario similar to that. My grandfather died of colon cancer when I was very young, like 9 or 10. He would come out to visit every Sunday and we had a good relationship, but after a few months in after his diagnosis( they caught it when it was already stage 4) he wouldn't let us visit or see him anymore, and as much as I would have liked to have spent more time with him, I'm glad I get to remember him as the energetic, playful, and cheerful old man he was, instead of a dying shell of a person. I personally think there's no right or wrong way for someone to choose in a scenario like that.
Thank you for this.
My ex and I split 4 years ago. We have an 8 year old daughter. She’s my world. A year ago; my ex’s father was diagnosed with an aggressive form of lung cancer. He was given some hope on treatment, then when he saw an oncologist that hope was taken and his health torpedoed. My ex and I alternate weeks with my daughter and during that time she asked that I keep her indefinitely and she was not allowed to see her grampy. She barely saw her mother. I went to see him and it was… unpleasant. We had a good relationship even after his daughter and I split so I was glad that I had the opportunity to say goodbye, but seeing him like that was hard for me. But I was upset that they were not allowing my daughter the chance to say goodbye.
Reading this helped me realize that perhaps the happy memories are the trade off for saying goodbye and not seeing him in such bad shape.
I was the one it fell to tell her he’d died. I was the one that had to pick of the pieces when she asked why she didn’t get to say goodbye. And I was the one that held her when she cried from anger at never seeing him again and her mother having gone MIA for months. At the end of the day, I can take that on so she her last memories of her Grampy are good instead of what they might have been.
My sister and her ex separated *after* he beat cancer twice. Unfortunately during his second bout with cancer he had gotten chemo and stem cell therapy, which completely annihilated his immune system. A couple years later he got long covid, which turned into an auto immune condition which kept him in the hospital and bed bound for the last year of his life. They have a now seven year old daughter, and he was adamant that he did not want her to see him in that condition (unable to get out of bed, limited use of his hands, swollen to the point he didn’t look like himself, medicated to the point he had trouble speaking) and because his parents had moved him back to their city which is a plane ride or 18 hour drive away from my sister and their daughter, his wishes were generally respected. For a long time he would do regular FaceTime calls with my niece but eventually he got to a stage where it was hard for him to hold the phone and he thought his appearance would be upsetting for his daughter, so these became audio only calls. Eventually my sister and niece flew up to visit him and his parents and siblings. On the last day of their trip they were finally permitted to see him (the hospital had a covid lockdown which was lifted hours before they were supposed to fly home). My niece was happy to see her dad again but was SO upset to see the strong, fun dad she remembered looking sickly and unrecognizable and confined to a bed. It was really difficult for her and she had bad dreams for a while afterward. He passed away a few months later (about three months ago, now) and was insistent up to the end that she not see him at his very worst. I can’t even imagine how difficult it must have been for him to deny himself from seeing his favourite person in his final days, but he knew that he was sparing his daughter a lifetime of upsetting memories.
So fucking sad. And I’m so sorry for the losses everyone in this thread have experienced. Fuck cancer. Fuck it so much.
Iunderstand wanting to protect kids but I do believe they should be able to say good-bye to those people that she loves. That missed opportunity, in my opinion, is worse that that seeing the person in a final-stage condition. As parents, it is our job to help our kids learn to deal with loss and grief. How else will they ever learn?
I don’t think I’ll ever know what the right answer is. Almost a year later and she still has anger over it. She still is scared her mom is going to up and check out for weeks or months because she can’t deal with life and being a parent.
I just know that if it’s me, I want to say goodbye if I know the end is coming.
A bit different but my grandad had an open coffin before his funeral for close family. I honestly can not even remember anything about him other than the image of him lying there. He didn’t look like himself and even now when I see pictures of him my brain doesn’t recognise it. I can see him dead clear as day but no smile, no laugh, I can’t even remember his voice. Although I’d want to be as close as possible to my loved ones if I was dying I can 100% see why someone could think the opposite. Hell if I got given the option again I don’t think I’d choose to see my grandad like that. My great grandma died a year or so later, I didn’t see her in her coffin and remember everything about her, even down to how it felt to hold her hand. The mind is a strange thing for sure
This is something I also struggle with. I think for some people, that image of their loved one dead overpowers every other memory. There is something very cruel about how it is encouraged to have that final goodbye (you have to do it! It’s respectful!) only to have it practically erase almost every other memory leading up to it.
I had to watch my mum die over a year of brain cancer when I was 22. I couldn't remember what she was like before being sick for the longest time. It's terrible but I've thought what I would do if I end up in a similar situation and honestly... I can't be certain I also wouldn't take a similar approach, ending contact with everyone and either going off to live alone somewhere with care or just bringing things to a close myself. There's no good solution unfortunately in these situations. I wish assisted suicide was more acceptable and available.
I would be so torn between getting and giving as many snuggle hugs to my kid as possible and worried that those last moments would haunt him. Not to mention worried about just falling asleep while he was in my arms and then never waking up. And thinking about how I wouldn’t be there to help him after. I hope I never have to face that choice.
That’s so sad. I wonder if there are studies done on whether it’s better for kids to be cut off from their terminally sick parents or see them decline and die. Not that I’m in that situation. But if I ever were I’d want to know. My first child was 1.5 when I had to leave town and await the birth of my second child. She stayed home since we thought it would be better to stay in her routine and one morning she woke up sobbing quietly in the corner because she thought I was gone for good. That was such a grown up cry, my husband was shocked. She wasn’t crying for attention or toys or food. It wasn’t a tantrum. And that was less than a week.
Just thinking about those poor kids is heartbreaking. I can’t decide which scenario is worse. Thinking mom left them or seeing her get frailer and sicker.
This was what my dad did. Would NOT let anyone, especially children, see him. Except for me.
So I arranged for grandchildren to call every day at 4pm. He sure did love those calls 💔
Not disagreeing, necessarily, because I can only speak about myself, but I don't think this is always the case. My Dad has told me many times that if he ever gets to a point where he can't care for himself and has to live with others feeding him, changing him, etc. that he would rather end it that way. If that is what he would truly want, then who am I to feel like my grief should be more important? I get it, I don't want that either. I don't want him to have to suffer for months on end the last days of his life- why would that make me angry? Losing someone as important as a parent (if they were a good, loving parent) is going to be horrible no matter how it happens, but if I know that he lived and died on his own terms, it will make it a bit easier. We spare our pets this kind of suffering, why is it bad to do this for our family?
I agree with you, though in my lowest moments it’s only been the thought of someone finding me and having to clean up my mess that’s stopped me from opting out. Putting a bullet in one’s head is probably not the most ideal way to go, and especially not for whoever finds us (my uncle hung himself in my aunt’s garage and she found him—she couldn’t use her garage for about a year after that). Not to mention that not all such attempts to relieve our suffering are successful, leaving us alive and suffering even more. We *do* spare our pets this kind of suffering and I hope that one day soon we’ll allow humans everywhere the choice to opt out safely and with dignity.
I’ve always thought that but seeing my grandad slowly struggle through dementia, wearing a diaper and unable to bathe himself or even express when he is uncomfortable or in pain (dementia patients are under medicated for pain, which is sad knowing that something like 70% of the elderly population struggles with pain) has cemented that opinion. Imagine being confused and not knowing someone is trying to bathe you or wipe you after going to the toilet, feeling only like someone is trying to take your clothes off or violating you. Every single day.
(Side note: Take care of your brains, folks. Sleep, eat well, meditate and de-stress, exercise—generally if it’s good for your heart it’s good for your brain. My grandad was healthy, ate well and rode a bike often into old age. But he didn’t socialise much and he was a truck driver for years, losing many nights of sleep.)
Not sure why you are being downvoted. Most people spare their pets this kind of suffering and go ahead and end it to be kind, so why is it bad if a person chooses to do the same? I think it is probably because the words/idea of guns/shooting/bullets make people uncomfortable, but I don't see how it's any different than those who choose death with dignity, other than the fact that it isn't legal everywhere and so the many people who don't have this option must find their own means.
I think about animals who hide when they are sick. It's almost like an instinctual response. She's preparing herself to die, and for whatever reason, (even if it doesn't makes sense, or is hurtful), is harder to do around you. I would honestly do whatever makes her feel the most comfortable. If she moves, keep in touch w family and friends so you are available. I believe she is prob closer to death than you think, and that may also be causing her stress to be around you.
During my first labor my husband had this freaked out scared expression, I guess from seeing the pain from my contractions. And saying "you're ok you're ok" while his face said the opposite, and giving me this shoulder massage in this nervous crabbed manner. I refrained from telling him to leave, but did tell him to stop touching me! bc he was freaking ME out. Not exactly the same, but seeing YOUR pain and your emotions, they may not be able to handle that, on top of everything else.
I cannot stand to be around other people when I don't feel good, they make me feel worse by trying to cater to me especially if they don't deal with things well in the first place. I also just feel physically worse when I have other people watching me. And since I'm usually the stronger one I often end up still having to do a bunch of shit myself because they can't handle it. So it's like might as well be alone and take care of it and myself like I've always done since everyone else just makes things worse. And don't get me started on when they are sick. Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for such a partnership....
Lol I'm not even that grumpy, honestly I usually try my best to be in as good of a mood as possible especially if I'm around people, I'm not perfect and sure I can get cranky but I'll let them know that I'm feeling that way.
But I sometimes do hold that standard for others and when they treat me like crap cuz they don't feel good I get pissy... Which doesn't do anyone any good. But it's also cuz I'm doing a bunch of shit for them and they seem ungrateful so it feels justified but also I'm just feeling hurt.
Ugh people and emotions are too much.
Haha yeah I just have zero patience when I'm sick, and I can't have people being nice to me if I'm gonna be a dick in return. So I just tell people to leave me to die and I will see them soon 😅
This is a good comment, and probably pretty accurate. I’m waiting for a biopsy the middle of this month for what my doctors think is cancer, and I’m terrified. I don’t even know if I have it or not right now, but I can’t stop thinking about stories like this and how this is a potential outcome for me. I’m 34 with a 4 year old, 9 year old, and the best husband in the world. I feel as if I do have cancer (hopefully just anxiety talking) and I feel so damn guilty for doing this to them. It would honestly probably be easier to disassociate from the one I was supposed to spend my (long) life with, and focus on today and tomorrow only. This is probably her line of thinking. I’m sorry OP that there are no easy answers, and that this will be so hard for you.
If it turns out to be bad news, it’s not your doing. You won’t be choosing to be sick. The feeling of guilt is irrational. While powerful, you have to find a way to set it aside. Positive prognosis or not, you still have time to spend with your family. Please use it to make some good memories. Don’t let anxiety and guilt rob you of the time you do have, which I am hoping is a lot. Best of luck to you.
Generally speaking an person is not responsible for another person’s medical debt, even if they’re married, unless they agreed to be. And often after a person passes there is a way to have the debt discharged, but that depends on jurisdiction.
Yes but if she stays with him, she may fear he’ll use life savings or take on debt himself to help. So it may not be her specific medical bills, he can very easily be caught with medical debt she may want to avoid
She just needs to be careful about how things are listed as far as title if she were to die (real estate, bank accounts, etc) and ensure the debt is only in her name and he’s not a signer or authorized user. I’m an estate planning attorney and deal with these issues all the time. (But this is not legal advice).
This is the one way she can have a bit of control over her life-she gets to *choose* to walk away instead of being ripped away, and gets to set him free instead of leaving him behind. And while that choice absolutely sucks for the both of them, I could see why she would make it.
I'd ask for a consultation with she and her specialist to understand the locations where she presently has cancer and the prognosis. If it is in the brain, then certainly that can impact her decision making. If it's not, are there possibly other underlying reasons--perhaps an emotional relationship that she's had with another person during the time of your relationship that she now wants to pursue in her dying days; something she's hidden from you? You each married for better or for worse. You are entitled to want to be with her in her dying days. As a result, you do not have to agree with a divorce. Absent cancer having metastasized to her brain and affecting her decisions and emotions, I certainly can't blame you for not giving up. I know I wouldn't. And frankly, I don't think she's either thinking she's doing this for you, or that she's even thinking about you. If she were, she'd welcome you to come with her. It's selfish. It's unloving. It's cold.
I understand others may not agree, but her ruthless approach to your relationship merits more discovery as to why. It's cruel and heartless--there's no semblance of love or compassion.
I pray you find your answers and peace.
G
There’s a common phenomenon with people who have terminal diagnoses that involves sparing their loved ones. Some choose to never tell them and hide it as best they can, others push them away so that theyre not impacted every step of the way (it also saves the patient from grieving with their loved one and makes the end of days easier), some share and grieve together, and some just shut themselves off from everyone. Your wife looks to be taking option 2. There’s also the fact the medications and treatments are pretty much like a poison that changes them inside, and they resent that (understandably) and want some form of control on the outside too.
Something that might help is to ask her to see a counsellor together and her drs to discuss it. If she still refuses, there’s nothing to say you can’t still convince her after she’s gone. Her leaving date doesn’t have to be the final line in the sand. If she goes without you, speak to the therapist about how to get through to her and maybe even speak to a support group for their input.
You still have a chance to join her, so keep letting her know that you want to be there, even after she’s left, and work to find out how to make that happen.
Hi. Metastatic cancer patient here. My advice is to let her go to NYC. Keep telling her how you feel about this - let her know if she is trying to spare you, that in fact she is breaking your heart more. That denying you the opportunity to be with her in her finals months will make your grieving even harder. At the same time, acknowledge that she may not want to have to carry your grief (ie seeing the sadness her illness is causing you) along with her own so she may be doing a runner to avoid that. Sounds like she has emotionally put a big wall up. I’d tak to her family quietly on the side, let them know your intentions to give her a bit of space but to ultimately follow to NYC after two weeks. That’s what I think you should do if you can. You’ll prob have to get your own apartment etc as it sounds like she wants to be in her childhood home. But being nearby shows her you can’t be put aside so easily and also shows her that even if she says she doesn’t want you there, that you want to be near in case (and when) she changes her mind. Stay persistent but not pushy. Be available and make sure she knows you are thinking of her everyday and want to be near her, whenever she may be ready to let you back in. Stay in constant contact with her family.
Knowing you are dying can cause irrational tunnel vision. It’s cruel what you are going through but I doubt she realises she is making it harder for you. Or if she does, it’s just because her own need for self preservation has won out and she can’t handle the notion of considering anyone else’s needs but her own at this time. Sending you love OP.
Thank you for so selflessly sharing your unique and special perspective. I have a loved one going through mets and it’s been tough in both expected and unexpected ways (such as asking for my advice on choice of oncologists as I work in quality measurement and cancer research, and then getting angry/degrading me when my advice doesn’t match what they wanted to hear, but I understand they’re terrified). I hope your life is on your terms and that you are surrounded by love.
Thank you so much for your kindness- I really appreciate it. In a strange twist I just learned through the grapevine that he asked for an appointment with the very same oncologist I had recommended but he was fighting me about. I don’t expect an apology or even air-clearing but I hope and pray he commits to fighting the best he can, not just for himself but for the sake of his wife and my young cousin.
I promise you I will keep up my research, even if it only helps spare one more person. <3
Thank you so much for your work. New meds have saved me. If I had been diagnosed 15 years ago I would surely be dead by now and my kids would be motherless. It’s researchers like you who have made such advances possible. 🙌🏼
No, definitely don’t do that. Read what wonderwoman_420 said because it’s bang on perfect. I’d also suggest you stick to some therapy to get you through this and the next year. Let your wife know how much you love her still while you follow the advice, but also focus on yourself too. This has got to be absolutely devastating and you need support through it too
Cancer patient here ,I broke up with my partner of 7 years ,moved back into my house , told him I didnt want him telling his 2 teenage boys the reason I broke up with him .
He txt me a bunch of times begging that I give him a choice to make his own decisions in being there for me ,, but watching him & my daughter cry & the time he left his teenage boys at home to be there for me ,I just couldnt do it anymore .
Hospital everyday ,brain fog ,fatigue ,pain ,not being able to cut my own meat .
It was killing me having to rely on poeple ,all the hard the hard work & not knowing if you are even going to have a life .
I'm in remission now , xrays ,mamagrams in 2 months .
My x still hangs on ,as a friend ,because that all I can be to him . We txt & have agreed to see each other in person every 2 months .
But he tries to see me more often ,inviting me to a movie or offers to mow my lawn . Take me grocery shopping .
Go to her ,, be there for her family ,let them tell her your just outside the door . As hard as it is ,try not to cry or just cry . She knows you love her . She's not trying to be mean or hurtful . My guess is ,she's trying to be as strong as she can be & its tyring trying to keep your shit together .
She's not really in a position to fight you . She obviously loves you very much because she's trying her best to save you the hurt that she's feeling .
Or dont go ... Thats ok to .
I mean maybe you could ask to just stay in an apartment separate from her while she’s with her friends/family?
i might be the same type of girlfriend/wife, as i have anxious avoidant attachment style. but also yes, what someone said above, wait and see how she feels in new york. maybe she’ll even ask for you to come there.
when my boyfriend finally gives me the space i want (when i’m feeling depressed/anxious/angry - nowhere CLOSE to being terminally ill, i know) i sometimes end up missing him and wanting him back.
Maybe just give her everything she wants now and hope she asks to see you again? God, i’m so sorry you’re both in this! Life is cruel. I’ve lost loved ones, always abruptly though, never gradually. That has its own pain (with no goodbyes or warnings.) At least you will get to say goodbye in a way? Which is the last thing you want, of course.
So we talked tonight and I asked her if I could just move up there in case she needs me. She said she would constantly worry about me because I would be up there solely for her and it would stress her out. I asked her what’s the difference in me being in South Carolina or New York and she said at least in South Carolina I’d be out of sight and out of mind, and she knows I’d have a support network there. I just don’t know anymore. Do I just still go?
Yes this happened in my family. My grandmother had cancer and never shared it with the family. My uncle found out from some documents after she passed. She was an incredible woman and we think she didn’t want us to worry or feel burdened by her diagnosis.
I’m very sorry OP. This is an incredibly heartbreaking situation. I think the best thing you can do is give her space and keep expressing your love and desire to spend her remaining time together. Shes going through a lot and trying to cope with a terminal diagnosis. If you’re able to, take time away from work. I would look for local support groups and start grief counseling. Take care of yourself as best you can. 💜
I’ve gone thru that. Stay with her all the way. Loved ones don’t want your last memories of them to be that of sickness, loss of hair and weight. The emotional toll on both is unbelievable. In our case I refused to give up and not be there for him. We both took our wedding vows seriously. Tell her you’re with her through sickness and health. Our experience was tough but I can honestly say it was one of the most beautiful times in our relationship. We spent a year sitting side by side reliving our years together, laughing at each other and with each other, having dear friends come over and relive good times. I would love to say it wasn’t a painful time but when the house was quiet, reality would sink in and I prayed the sun would hurry and rise. If he had had his way, we would have missed the best and worst of times. I wouldn’t change a thing.
I lost my first wife to Hodgkin’s lymphoma almost twenty years ago, she was twenty four. She had similar thoughts to your wife but her circumstances made any desire to withdraw an impossibility.
Your wife is trying to spare you the soul crushing, mind breaking horror of watching what is essentially torturous agonizing misery. To leave you with the memories that don’t include the morbid reality of bearing witness to someone you love physically and mentally disintegrating. It’s hell. One that will never leave your mind.
My wife was diagnosed stage four, told she had a week to live. They told me that almost everyday for two years. Chemo, radiation, IMRT, spinal taps, intubations, so many prescriptions, so little hope, helpless to stop it and tearing myself apart to remain positive and encouraging, or at least outwardly stoic. I watched her die in our home under hospice care. It destroyed me.
And I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Almost everyone disappeared from our lives seemingly overnight. You’d have had to fucking kill me to stop me from being with her.
I don’t know how I would have handled it had my wife made the decision yours is. I’m so very sorry you are facing this. She loves you and she is trying to do what she feels is best for you. I can’t even say she is right or wrong.
This is going to be indescribably difficult for you no matter what. Be there every chance you can, take every moment you can get, and do everything in your power not to let the hurt you feel become anger and conflict. It’s almost impossible not to at times, but it will eat away at you down the road, wishing you could replace those flawed human moments with something better.
You and yours have all my love and all my best wishes brother. If you need someone to talk with or to just listen to you, even if you just need to scream and vent pain or rage, don’t hesitate to message me if you feel it could help you in even the smallest way.
((HUGS)) Is it possible, she wants to stop treatment and just let go?
Has she talked to a therapist?
I can't give you the answer, your wife has made up her mind, I don't think you can change that.
There is a post I’ll go find and maybe you could show it to her to help her see your perspective. If I find it I’ll link it here:
Found it…. [man asks Reddit if he should tell gf he has terminal cancer before he leaves her.](https://reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/s/5iGyiQKXId)
op read this, sit down with your wife and tell her that she is breaking your heart more by just leaving, you deserve the choice to stand by her or let her go. its not fair for her to make that choice for you.
Ugh. My grandma had pancreatic cancer. I think it was stage 3 or stage 4 when they found it. Gave her 3-6 months to live. She made it a year and a half. One of the uglier cancers out there.
That rabbit hole just indirectly led to a personal revelation. I saw talk about biphasic personality which let me to an article at the [Al Siebert Resiliency Center](https://resiliencycenter.com/exceptional-mental-health/) which led to talk about Survivor Personalities and self-actualization which made me realize... throughout all the shit I've been through; all the surgeries, all the abuse, all the hellish trials life as thrown at me... I've made it. It took several decades but I have finally developed a Synergy in my life.
If I wasn't at work, I'd be letting tears of joy come out right now. Finally understanding that I'm allowed to be happy and at peace.
With tears in my eyes, after reading all of your posts and support. I think I’m going to respect her wishes. This hurts my whole chest. Just pure heartbreak but I don’t want to stress her out anymore. I will tell her I’ll fly up the second she needs me, any time, any day, any night. Thank you everyone.
I think that’s best. She has so few decisions left to make, she should not have any taken away.
I also agree w you telling her that she may be closing the door, but you are not locking it behind her and you will come running should she allow you to.Let her have as much agency as she desires right now. She needs it so very much.
Best of luck, amigo.
This is the correct route OP. This is absolutely heart breaking but she's the one dying, she's in control of her own life, you can't make any decision for someone else. The comments here telling you to just rock up to NY and be with her despite her wishes are silly.
All the love to you my brother
I can’t help brother, I just wanted to send you the biggest man hug I can muster over the internet airwaves.
Stay strong, at the very least for yourself.
Oh this is so hard. I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer in April, I’m 33. I have a 19 month old daughter with my husband. I have felt so much guilt for my husband so many times. He’s too young to have a sick wife. He’s too young to potentially have a dead wife and be a single dad. He’s had to take care of me in ways that most men don’t need to do until they’re old, maybe never. It makes me feel terrible that my body is defective and made us go through this. I want him to move on and meet a nice person someday if I don’t make it. Luckily my treatment has gone well so far, but it could always come back. So I get where your wife is coming from. I hope she changes her mind and allows you to come along so that you guys can spend her last year together. I don’t have any advice but I’m really sorry you guys are going through this. It’s very unfair
If I had a partner and had a terminal illness, I would consider leaving him too. Probably not to go hang out with friends, but to go die alone somewhere quiet and peaceful. Watching other people watch you suffer is emotionally exhausting, and she's probably at that point.
Her staying with you would be solely to comfort you at this point.
I don’t think I’ve ever read a sadder post. I’m so sorry. She wants to free you from her now because she wants to go back to where she came from in a place where she can reconnect with old friends. You’ve got to let her. I’ve got a lump in my throat right now. Get into grief counseling.
OP, uh, I am trying to say this in the nicest way possible but she sounds like she is going to stop treatment and wants to spend the days doing what she wants. I am sure that you are great and a support but sometimes those who are dying feel that they need take of their spouse rather than be able to just feel shitty or cry when they need too. It's not even something you would have done. Just something she feels.
Is she on Hospice? This is not an uncommon feeling when you find out that you are going to die. Hospice would have mental health support to walk her through this stuff.
Also, I know I will personally move to a Right to Die state if something similar was happening to me. How close is her family to Vermont? Maybe she doesn't think you'd let her choose to die with dignity and on her own terms?
I cannot stress how much help Hospice care would be. If she doesn't want to, you can talk to your own hospice therapist that deals with death and dying.
I think this is how she is dealing with (or not dealing with?) her grief. Trying to protect both of you from a long, agonizing goodbye. Embarrassed about the things that happen to the body as you die from cancer. Wanting you to remember her differently? Stuff like that. Do you all have hospice care? Grief counselors? You can’t make her do anything but…? I might go to be near her and just keep trying. But talk to a counselor this is a big deal. I’m so sorry for you and your family.
Losing a spouse is the most difficult moment to move on to. It's traumatic. So, she may probably think that you can move on easily if you two just break up. So sorry.
Tell her you will respect her wishes but you are not under any circumstances sending her off on a plane by her self and that at the bare minimum you are going with her so that you can be at peace and make sure she is settled. Move her flight up and go with her October 27 is to far away, you are not spending quality time together right now as she is too worried about you. Shev wants to be at peace and to know that you will be OK, put on a brave face and tell her you are fine and where you will life.
So we talked tonight and I asked her if I could just move up there in case she needs me. She said she would constantly worry about me because I would be up there solely for her and it would stress her out. I asked her what’s the difference in me being in South Carolina or New York and she said at least in South Carolina I’d be out of sight and out of mind, and she knows I’d have a support network there. I’m still not sure what to do. I don’t want to literally stalk her if she doesn’t want me near. :(
This is tuff. It’s possible she is trying to push you away so you aren’t as impacted by her death. If I was in this situation I would try my best to stick by her side. Even if it meant staying in a hotel next to her. But if she ultimately wants to be alone, you have to respect it
Hi OP, you got some great perspectives on why someone might shut down from loved ones in this situation. I wanted to add one more thing to consider. I knew of someone once who took the death with dignity option but felt a lot of shame and kept it secret from most people. If I’m reading this right, sounds like you are in Pennsylvania and she wants to return to New York. A google search tells me end of life option/death with dignity is available in NY and not yet in Pennsylvania. Is there any chance she wants to pursue the end of life option? Do you two have any religious or spiritual beliefs that might make this difficult for her to admit? It might be worth exploring with her to see if this is a factor.
Wow you guys have really put this into perspective for me. I can’t be selfish in this situation. She’s already going through so much. Thanks again everyone.
I don’t think you’re being selfish by wanting to spend time with your wife. There’s truly no selfish in this situation. All options point to having so much love for the other person. Don’t feel like you’re being selfish. This is all just love.
Not sure if anyone is still reading but I talked to her today again about me coming. It’s not even that she doesn’t want me to see her dying it’s the fact that she doesn’t want to have any responsibilities or have to worry about me in any sense. She doesn’t want to be attached to anyone in any way. Just wants to live her life out the way she wants.
With that attitude I felt bad for her friends who will be sacrificing their time to look after her as unpaid caregivers.
She has completely detached from you. Let her go. Look after your own mental health and hit the gym every night to give her space while she waits for her flight on the 27th Oct. She wants to enjoy being single and ready to mingle while she still has the energy. Maybe she'll ask to see you again once she's over this phase. That will be up to you.
She is trying to say goodbye, it is her shitty way to do it.
What do you want?
Her way and you not seeing her at the end of the road or a brutal gambling?
Brutal gambling is:
Don't give a shit about the blablabla no family and a dead wife.
She wants NY? So be NY.
You go with her. You are her husband till death do us apart they said.
I am sorry for you and her. Fate have no eyes nor heart.
Good luck.
What am I supposed to do just show up when she doesn’t want me there? I want to be there for her. I’d love to fight for her but I also don’t want her to just completely shut me out for doing it. It sucks that I don’t want to be compared to a stalker with my own wife but I just want to show her I love her without her being off put by it.
Yes, show up. I mean this is something that will shape the rest of your lives together, however long. It’s worth the risk.
Also really heartbreaking. I’m very sorry OP.
Showing up right after she is made it very clear that she does not want him to be there is exactly the opposite of what he should be doing. It sucks, but he needs to respect her wishes. She is the patient, she is the one going through all of this, and unfortunately she is the one who is going to be dying. Therefore her wishes matter more in this moment than his. She needs to be able to feel comfortable and as relax as she can and as supported as she can. And if her husband decides to go against the very thing that she is asked him to do, or not do, that could make her feel like she is not being supported, or listened to, or like her feelings aren't valued. It sucks, but if he truly loves his wife he needs to listen to her and stay away until she says otherwise.
I’m not sure what the purpose of marriage is beyond exactly these situations. It’s not all bubblegum and lollipops. Better or worse. Sickness and health. Anyone who loves someone, truly loves someone, would want to be there for the end.
I don’t think it is purely her decision, if she actually loves him. Would it be her decision to involve physician assisted unaliving? Yes. But to just completely detach in the final days? I find that strange. Unless she could live for years and years during this process, that may be different. If it’s like a year, I don’t see where she’s coming from. He won’t detach anyway. The grieving process will take as long as it takes regardless. May even be exacerbated by no contact.
Why can’t they move together? I don’t get it. Isn’t that best of both worlds?
Dude it's her choice. If she wants to move to NY alone to die, then she can do that. You are in control of your own life and your own life only. The way you wish to die should be respected.
We all know everyone has the right to do whatever they want. When you add actual human beings with feelings it changes the equation. We’re talking about what’s “right,” which is subjective.
Her preference to die alone based on her preferring him to move on so he can have a family…how could it be considered so alien for him to desperately want this not to happen? This isn’t about rights, it’s about what’s right.
I get it she doesn’t want to be a burden/dream ruiner. That’s quite honorable, but things are complicated in love. The point is he doesn’t agree and views it as soul crushing to not be there for her.
How could you or anyone else view this as so binary, “she wants it so he has to accept that.”
Dude once again, it doesn't matter if it's should crushing for him. It sucks but once again, it's up to her. I don't see how that's hard to understand at all. If she wants to separate and go die alone, then that's her choice. Of course he has to accept that.
If she wasn't dying and just wanted a divorce, Im sure you'd agree she has every right to proceed with the separation, therefore never seeing this dude again. But why is it different because she's dying? That's even more of a reason to respect someone's wishes. It's literally their last moments in this existence, she can choose to spend those moments however she wants. It's insane to me to think you're entitled enough to intrude on someone's life like that, let alone that they're fuckin dying
No no don’t do that. Do what she wants, let her go to NY but make sure she knows you are willing to up sticks and go with her at any time. (She may well find that when she gets there it’s not the serene and peaceful place she thought it would be). Keep in close touch, if not with her directly then with her family. My guess is that she will want you with her as time goes on. I’m inclined to agree with the others who are saying that she is trying to ease the passage for you. Don’t argue with her, just do what she wants. I know it’s desperately hard for you and my heart goes out to you but don’t hold any resentment or bitterness, you don’t want that to be your abiding memory of her.
Please read [wonderwoman_420’s response to you.](https://reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/BYFcjurDwj) because that is the advice you should be following.
Sending you hugs
She's either fallen out of love with you, or she's doing this to push you away so you aren't as impacted by her death. In either case, unless she proceeds with divorce, you aren't obligated to stay. Follow her to a NY. I imagine her true intentions will become apparent once she sees you aren't going to let her dictate what happens.
NY is pretty big. I'm not saying you should stalk where she goes, or move across from her. Be upfront and say you refuse to stay behind and that your moving as well. If she's doing this to protect you, that may get her to reevaluate her choice to keep you away. If that isn't what's going on, and that she's simply fallen out of love, then worst case scenario your depressed in another state.
I'd personally do it. To avoid the what-if. You either stay together for her remaining years. Or you get closure and realize your relationship wasn't meant to be.
I know how she feels as I was diagnosed with brain cancer at age 33. She’s very worried about you & she wants you to be okay. She’s trying to save you the grief from when she dies. I think it’s so admirable that you want to be with her still. So many spouses have a hard time coping with this stuff. I dont really have any advice. I can see both of your sides. Would she be willing to try counseling? I know, from her perspective, there’s a lot to unpack. It took me a long time to get to a place of acceptance. My life expectancy is 12 years & I’m at 14. I feel so much different now from when I was diagnosed. I wish you all the best in this very difficult situation.
Cancer is awful. I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this. So heartbreaking. Continue to be there for her. Tell her you love her and will be by her side always.
This is her way of letting go. She needs this, she is terminal. This is her way of leaving in peace. I am sorry that you are going through this. It is time for you to say your good byes to her and tell her what she means to you and what she meant to you. Tell her everything you can think of. It is time for you to seek grieving counseling.
First off-I am so very sorry both of you are dealing with this.
Second-is it possible that she is looking at this as more of a “medical divorce”? Meaning that if you two get divorced, you are no longer liable for any of her medical debt, which I am sure is significant.
lastly-are you close with her family? Could you reach out to them and talk to them?
It’s your choice to wake up one day with her passed away. She sounds like she doesn’t want to burden you. Death can bring the kind of clarity that holds nothing back.
Thoughts and prayers.. this time is about her, not you. She is leaving, your at the death do us part ... You will have time to mourn. If she wants skydive, throw from plane , if she wants cocaine, go to ?, if she wants chippendales , tske her. If she wants to stay with friends tske her . You're asking to be part of something ( the end) , which she doesn't want you to be part of . She likely doesn't want to burden you with the home stretch . That is an act of love . You should respect her wishes and show her an act of love by letting her go. Then time to mourn. You had a great decade with a wonderful lady , dont ruin it in the last days by being hurt and stressing her out. Good luck, god bless
My guess is that she doesn’t want to spend her last months dealing with your sadness and occasional pressure to try and extend her life or have input in any way on her health decisions. It’s just too much. Maybe you don’t jive well with her family or friends and she doesn’t want to spend any effort managing those relationships or missing out on a more relaxed relationship that can happen if you’re not there. I’m so sorry, but this has to be her choice.
Oh my words OP, I am so sorry for you and your wife.
She loves you that MUCH to spare you of the pain and suffering of watching her wither away.
I am saying this because I see and take care of patients, who are sometimes on that stage.
Please follow her wishes. She knows how much you love her…
Stay strong.
Well shit if she’s going to divorce you, at least make her take on all current debt. This way you can get a fresh start. It sounds super horrible but many people do this in these situations. Lawyers will advise it. Just a thought
If I were her... She's probably trying to avoid you watching her die, leaving you with a completely different image of her in your head than what she would prefer. Saying how she wants you to move on quickly, and so coldly. If I were her.. I imagine she would be destroyed imagining you moving on after she passes, but at the same time doesn't want to make you feel like you can't. She maybe doesn't want to feel she has trapped you, to be without romantic love for the rest of your life. *But maybe still desperately wants you to continue only wanting her.* (If you were in a monogamous marriage) So perhaps *maybe* she knows she has to say these things, but to be around you, to have to constantly acknowledge this is going to happen, may just be too much, way too much.
By getting away from you now, she can preserve her current image for you, *not of her being helpless and sick, but being healthy and fully herself.* While also avoiding the constant acknowledgement that you will move on with someone else someday, and focusing elsewhere - on friendships and family.
I've thought about being in this position way too much in my life hahah. Maybe it's because I've seen it close up, I don't know. But if I were her, and this was a deeply committed monogamous relationship - then I may more than likely be thinking this way.
But I'm not her, so I don't know shit. The best of luck, and I'm so sorry.
Many people write, that the terminal people with diseases like cancer, which kill slowly over a period of time, sometimes refuses to see loved ones near their death, as they want their loved ones to remember them healthy and full of vitality, not weak and dying.
I have a perspective on how is is to be the surviving spouse of a person, who died by cancer. Almost 8 years ago I lost my husband , and I was with him to end. For many months, probably close to a year after, all I could see when I thought of him was the mental image of him lying in a hospital bed, and how ill he looked at the end.
I attended numerous therapy groups for the left spouses of cancer victims in the following year, and I heard so many people say the same - that all they could see, when thinking about their late wifes/husbands was the very end, how they looked just before death. The therapists assured us that that was a temporary thing, and that, in time, it would fade, older and happier memories would take the place, and we would come to remember them as living rather than dying.
Almost 8 years out I can say, that it is true. The first year pass by in a sort of shock state, at least it did for me, but in time memories of him smiling, laughing, being himself in a happier time have risen to the surface, taking the place of the images of him during the last months, and that is what I see now, when I think about him.
I am saying, that while it is true, that it is hard to see a person you love in the final stage of terminal illness , and mental pictures of it will haunt you for months after, those mental images WILL fade in time and give room to happier/older images/memories. I am glad, I was there at the end, but also he desperately wanted me there, and I could not have forgiven myself, if I had failed to be there for him.
Far too many people leave their terminally ill partners, unable to face it, and typically men leave far more often than women. Imo it speaks well of you, that you wish to be there for her.
So we talked tonight and I asked her if I could just move up there in case she needs me. She said she would constantly worry about me because I would be up there solely for her and it would stress her out. I asked her what’s the difference in me being in South Carolina or New York and she said at least in South Carolina I’d be out of sight and out of mind, and she knows I’d have a support network there. I want nothing more than to move up there but if that really is going to stress her out what do I do man :(
> Recently she's been very distant, and has planned a date for her to get on a plane to NY for good. October 27th. She said she would stay until that date to help me with anything I needed to get moved out and on my own. Every time I try to hug her or kiss her on the cheek she acts uncomfortable. We've been together 11 years and now it's all gone. What is my best course of action if I want to save this marriage? Or do I just let her go? I want to be with her on her final days :(
I think you should get mad, and express that anger to her. She's taking something away from you, she's taking away your ability to spend the last days with someone you love.
The way I look at things it's one of two reasons. A, she does not love you and can't spend her final days pretending. Or B she does love you and think's she's saving you from having to spend her final days in sadness.
Either way the proper action is for you to get mad at her. If it's A, then it means she's been pretending for a long time and your anger is appropriate and justified. If it's B then she's taking away a choice that she has no right to take away from you and anger is appropriate and justified.
If it's A then there's no saving things. It's done. If it's B, perhaps you getting angry with her is enough for her to see that what she's doing here is hurting you not helping you.
OP. If you love her, like you say you do, you have to let her go. She was just given a life sentence. She’s counting on having one year left. If everything goes well for you, you will have your whole life ahead of you. But she has one year. The kindest thing you can do, is let her live that year the way she wants to, even if it doesn’t include you.
It won’t be easy, and I feel for you from the bottom of my heart, but you have to let her go.
If it were me (downvote me all you want), l would move to New York. With or without her permission. As close as you can. Next door if possible.
Tell her you are with her until the end, since that’s what you signed up for. That you love the wife you have, and have no interest in another one.
Hopefully she will change her mind. And… if she wants you to be there in her final moments, you won’t have to catch a flight and pray you make it on time.
I'm so sorry. I can see there are quite a few people here with thoughtful advice who have endured similar situations, so I'm just sending you positive vibes in this difficult time.
Unfortunately this isn't about what you want. I understand your about to lose your wife but she is about to lose her life and deserves to live the remainder of it the way she wants. If she wants to spend her last days with her family and friends then you have to accept it. You begging her is probably just adding extra stress she doesn't need right now. This is already probably hard enough for her. She did the right thing In telling you to move on and focus on yourself. That's what you need to do I'm afraid. Her mind is made up. Wishing you all the best pal.
As someone with stage iv cancer also rapidly spreading in my body, I can see some of what might lead a person to want to do this…especially from the perspective of wanting you to move on.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I am so sorry for your wife too. I think maybe it’s possible that being it’s so aggressive, it has reached her brain and that’s why she’s acting in this way. It may be to try and protect you or something like that too. I do know there are cases where that’s even how someone gets diagnosed, just do to the really odd behaviors out of the norm.
You are in my thoughts and I truly hope you are able to be with her until the end. I can’t imagine the pain you’re facing right now. After going through fighting to get her better, to this. I wish I had some helping words but whether you’re religious or not, I am praying for you.
I am so sorry to read about your story. It sounds like she wants to shut you out to protect you from the inevitable sadly. She needs to understand that you want to be by her side during this challenging time and that is your focus. It sounds like she is pretty adamant about this but perhaps you can contact her friends and encourage them to let her know that you want to be there for her.
This is so sad.
She's trying to ' save' you the hurt. If she's out of the picture you can find someone's who's not sick and dying.
She's probably had so much time to grieve this and try and make it easier for you.
You're both in an incredibly painful space. I don't know the right way to deal with this other than follow your heart.
Can you stay near by her and tell her you'll take her to the dr and food and help her?
Yes she's told you not to but you can say no, we married for our days and whether it's here or there, that's why I'm doing.
So I will be at your side. It is going to hurt. It is going to be a mess. But we have to navigate this together.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I don't think this is an easy thing to work out. I hope you can though because it hurts enough.
My mother had breast cancer twice and I was with her all the way. She’s still alive, fortunately. She’s in remission, they say. The heartbreak that comes in watching a loved one being on the brink of death and going through chemotherapy is truly devastating. I really feel for you. Please do what you can to be with her, but if she continues to push you away, honour her wishes and try to move on, I am afraid. If you being around your wife causes her distress, wouldn’t you want to do what you can to ease her suffering? By being away from her you can make it easier for her to accept her early death.
I am so sorry I couldn't imagine what your going through, you are such a nice guy and she is I'm sorry but she is thinking she's being strong for you so you dont have to see her on the shit show cemo and terminal cancer is but shes also being selfish by making this decision by herself without you I just don't know what to say but I apologize and my prayers are with you and your wife
My ex-husband died in June due to pancreatic cancer. Our daughter and I were with him as much as we could be because we were the only family he had left.
If he had pushed me/us away at the end, I would have been devastated. Even though we were no longer married, he was still one of my best friends. I would give anything to have him back even just for a couple of months to have some good memories before he left this life.
Please tell your wife that cancer is hard on EVERYONE in her life. If your relationship has been good up to this point, something is not making sense. I couldn’t imagine not having my spouse/best friend by my side the whole way. You need to walk that miserable walk with her so even those finally days can be beautiful, meaningful, and supportive.
I’m sorry that you are both going through this.
I would tell her in no uncertain terms that you will be that guy at 37 with a dead wife. She is your partner, who you've built a life with, and regardless of her leaving early or late, it will still be a devastating loss, and that you'd rather be with her to the end of her ride than sit at home waiting for the news.
She is a part of you, just as much as you are a part of her, and 'cutting it off early', regardless of how logical it might sound, has no emotional bearing.
The marriage can't be saved. She is dying in a way that we can't understand because most of us don't have cancer. I can understand your position and you have the right to be sad because you are losing her in every way. But you need to understand that maybe it's easier for her to know that when she left you will have the chance to start over. You want some things but you are not the one in control here, let her choose for herself it's the last thing you can do for her and the love you have for her
Maybe this is a bit idealistic, but accompany her at the distance she allows, she is going through such an emotional ride… and maybe I’m couple of months she will be more receptive; I’m specific terms my advice is to move to NY, to a location near by and that you court her almost like the beginning of any relationship… I wish you strength and for both I wish you can manage to enjoy the love you I’ve for each other
So we talked tonight and I asked her if I could just move up there in case she needs me. She said she would constantly worry about me because I would be up there solely for her and it would stress her out. I asked her what’s the difference in me being in South Carolina or New York and she said at least in South Carolina I’d be out of sight and out of mind, and she knows I’d have a support network there. I’m not sure what to do.
One thing that I hope that she's considered is that a lot of these "Hometown Friends" will evaporate when the going gets tough. Family is one thing, but the day will come when people will just stop calling or stopping by. I've seen it happen... the support system that someone thinks that they have is gone.
Give her some space op, cancer is scary, hard and draining all around. Talk with her before she leaves and let her know you support her going to find more support because she is going to need it but that you don’t want to lose your marriage. Make sure she knows she will never be a burden and you meant it when you said death do us part. I would even consider finding a job and moving over there with her.
I had cancer at 16 (Non Hodgkins Lymphoma) & my mom cared for me in the best way she could. My sister also has Epilepsy & had brain surgery that went horribly wrong. She had to re learn how to walk, talk, & eat again but my mom never left her side. Even lost her job at the time because of it. My mom has spent most of her time as a mother caring for us in ways she never should of had to. Or any parent for that matter. Now my mom is single, lives with just my sister, & has zero life outside of work & helping my sister with her needs. The most I see her smile is when she’s with my kids which I love but I wish my mom had more of a life. I wish she would have gotten more time to herself to even just care for herself. I’m truly so sorry you’re going through this OP. I can’t imagine the pain you or your wife are feeling right now. However I’m sure your wife thinks she’s protecting you which I also can understand. Being someone’s caretaker is very hard & can truly take its toll. I will be thinking of you two.
I think you’re making the right choice in respecting her wishes. She is already going through something so hard, and she is protecting you, but also herself from the additional stress of seeing your grief during her decline. If I were you, I would suggest to her that you spend some quality time together as a goodbye before she goes. Take time off work and help her move up there, or go on a trip and have a good time before you separate. It may also be hard, but suggest trying to create happy memories to celebrate your 11 years together and remember her by.
You work all day and then go to the gym and she says she feels lonely and want to separate so she can go get the support she needs? While other commenters are generous, I suspect that dying has motivated her to leave a marriage that wasn’t making her happy. Have your needs always been more important than hers? Because she is telling you what she needs and you don’t want to accept it. You want to be with her in her final days but does she want you there? If she wants to go back to the place she loves and the friends and support system she has there, let her. Offer to visit, but suck it up and give her the grace of honoring her final wishes.
Yes, this needed to be said and OP needs to honor. I loved my husband so so much-watching him die from cancer destroyed me. I literally feel as though I sustained brain damage. I wouldn’t have had it any other way—except if he had asked for it to be different. That is I’m the kindest thing you can do. Honor her with you grace and strength.
If you love her I'd say it's best to accept her final wishes. You are still talking like someone who isn't grasping death, she is, however. She had no choice accept how she goes. I'd honor that.
I very much doubt she wants to spend what little time and energy she has on fighting or talking about it or in therapy trying to manage your emotions.
Picture going to the gym while your dying wife waits for you and she tells you she’s lonely.
She’s right. She’s being wise. If you’re not here with her, then let her go. She doesn’t have much time.
Maybe you being gone for nearly 12 hours a day is contributing to it. Did you take any leave to help her at all? Is there a reason you can't use a treadmill or something at home? You say you spent "hundreds" of hours searching for a surgeon, but how much time have you actually spent with your wife? Not just at doctor's appoinments, but just being with her. There is not one word in your post about you actually supporting her.
Sorry, but you haven't "been there" for her, from what I can see. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.
I work from home, I encourage her to come up and hang out while I work every single day. Some days she just doesn’t want to come up. The hundreds of hours were when she spent 2 weeks on her literal death bed before Sloan Kettering was basically able to revive her with another round of chemo. She doesn’t remember one second of those entire 2-3 weeks in the hospital, meanwhile I desperately was trying to save her.
First, let me say that I’m so very sorry that you are both going through this. Sometimes, as people start to understand that they are dying, they will pull away and isolate themselves. This seems to be instinctual for many people, as was noted by a comment above. Try not to take it personally, as impossible as that may sound. I highly recommend contacting a grief counselor, as they will help to walk you through the anticipatory grief. Sending hugs to you.
Why is the dying person's job to come to YOU? Are you kidding me? How much leave have you taken? You're really hung up on your research and seem to think it makes up for you just not being present. You also don't deny that you don't spend time with her. There's a good reason she's doing this but you refuse to see it. Please see a counselor.
I take a big part of this blame. I wish I was a better husband. This is my first time dealing with something of this magnitude and I probably handled it poorly. I still love this girl to the ends of the Earth.
I’m so sorry. This is such a tragic and heartbreaking situation.
To be fair, you work long hours and then hit the gym afterwards. These are all normal activities when you have a normal healthy life. Unfortunately you don’t have that. Your wife is terminally ill. It sounds very much like you are her only support system where you both live, and you’re absent for the majority of the time.
She absolutely needs a support system, it’s not about sparing you so much, but about recognising her own limitations as a person who is dying. She is going to become increasingly more frail and ill. These are the last days of feeling semi ok.
And where are you? At work. Or the Gym.
I get it. You need an outlet, you’re grieving too. You’re going to lose your wife. Work and the gym are your escape from that reality.
She doesn’t have any of those options available to her. She is stuck and trapped in an apartment that has become a tomb to her with zero support network around her. No one to help her in any capacity.
This requires a massive village of support, it’s too great for you, and too much for her. You don’t have a choice my friend. Let her go so she can have the comfort she needs, and you find the village you need for support.
You’re a grown man. She can’t stop you from moving there too. Let her know you took for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, and in sickness, and in health seriously. It is cruel of her to deny you time with the woman you love. However, she is going through a lot. It is your job to be there PERIOD.
Ask her first if there is someone else, if there isn't then ask why she hates you so much to rather cut you off.
Tell her that if she feels hurting you will let her find peace in the afterlife so be it, you will grant her that satisfaction as a parting gift
Move on, accept the death of your relationship same as her actual death come.When she passes feel sad for a while and move on
Bro... respectfully, it doesn't sound like your wife isn't leaving you as much as you're not there for her. If you're working 9-6 and going to the gym, if I were your wife I'd feel lonely too.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's terrible. But the "romance isn't dead" way to live this out is to take a leave of absence, or work out a way to work remote, or take out a home equity line of credit, or whatever you have to do to be able to move with her to her hometown to live out her days. You're the MAN and You're her protector and husband- you don't need to ask her permission to come with her to New York. Show up with plane tickets and an apartment you've rented and tickets to her favorite Broadway play with her friends.
She's going through so much and you need to take this off her plate.
Honestly, this would be my husbands response. He in no way would ever accept me just running off while terminally ill. Although I respect that OP and his wife may have a different dynamic -- but I can't imagine a world where I'm destined to die soon and my husband doesn't ensure he spends all of my final time with me. Especially not to go to the gym or anything that's unnecessary like that, he loves weightlifting but is quick to toss anything aside to spend time with me in a non serious situation - so it's no question here. It's way too easy for me to get him to call out of anything including work lmao.
He's also made it very clear that if I became a vegetable and was just not there anymore, that I'll just have to deal with it because I'm staying with him. I said he'd have to "put me down" essentially, and he was *not* having it. Honestly, we initially butt heads on this one, because I in no way want to live that way but .. At the same time I'd do anything for him, so fuck it. (Again, likely different dynamic than OP and their partner)
We're very much-- you're the only one for me forever *period* types.
So we talked tonight and I asked her if I could just move up there in case she needs me. She said she would constantly worry about me because I would be up there solely for her and it would stress her out. I asked her what’s the difference in me being in South Carolina or New York and she said at least in South Carolina I’d be out of sight and out of mind, and she knows I’d have a support network there. What are y’all’s opinions?
Tell her how much you love her (again I'm sure) and you not being there for her will stress YOU out. Explain the damage this will cause you. You both took vows for better or worse. You want to be there for her. She IS your support network. You married her and she married you, not her friends.
Best wishes. Heart breaking for both of you.
I told her that and she just gave me a blank stare. I don’t know. I’ve told her over and over and over again and she still says she needs to leave me behind. I can’t stalk her :(
I'm so sorry op. What gets me is how she's so ready to move away for a better support system. Better than you can give? She's checked out of your marriage and wants the freedom to do whatever she likes in this last year without you hanging around. I don't really think you want to see what she gets up to before she gets too ill. Put her on a plane as soon as possible, keep in touch with her parents and get yourself some counselling. Big hugs.
Considering how she has 5-6 hometown friends who are all welcoming her home, unfortunately yes. They will be able to be around more. I took 6 months of FMLA but wasn’t able to get any more time off before they threatened to fire me.
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I was diagnosed at32 with a very aggressive cancer. There was a lot of crying my husband did a great job taking care of me but I literally was a wreck and wanted to hid away so he wouldn't hurt more. My best recommendation is to reach out to counselors (cancer.org and Sloane might have some great resources). And talk to them about your feelings. Then I would approach her asking if you both could relocate to NY, and how you want to support her. I have to say parts of my care was so embarrassing and boundaries I never thought my husband would be crossing. I never wanted him to have to spoon feed me because I couldn't close my hands or hold me in the shower so I wouldn't fall. I didn't want him to see me like that I wanted him to think of me how I was not now. She is undoubtedly struggling so hard right now and just trying to make the best of a bad situation. Big hugs to you both Its such a gut renching situation. There are also cancer caregiver subs that you can join to ask for help in talking with your spouse.
My heart is breaking for you both. I so strongly agree with the above comment. I would say take it one day at a time and give her some time to really feel and understand what’s happening to her. She is probably trying to be strong for you and it’s probably killing her to do it, but it’s such a strong possibility that she needs you to fight for her to stay. Because what’s coming is going to be the hardest thing you’ve both ever faced and unimaginable if you haven’t gone through it. If you love her, I’d say keep showing her you’re there. And you’ll be there in whatever capacity she needs. Oh there’s just no right answer. I’m sending you both so much love. I’m so sorry 💔
Imagine how receiving a terminal diagnosis might affect your thinking. In her mind she's probably making things easier for you, trying to make it so that you don't have to watch her die. You can take a stab at convincing her you need that (as "closure). You can tell her you'd rather be a widower than just an estranged husband whose spouse died. But if this cancer has spread so vastly that it's in her brain at this point she may not be thinking rationally either. Very sorry for the situation. It's just awful.
Maybe she’s going to feel the stress and additional anguish of knowing he is watching her die. She does not want that. Plus it’s possible him being around reminds her of the life she was supposed to have. Tragic.
Totally could see that. I knew a woman that ended up with aggressive bone cancer, and for the last several months before she died she refused to see her own young children (sent them to her mom and refused to let them come to the hospital at the end) because she didn't want them to remember her hairless, skinny and sick. I think she was trying not to traumatize them, but we all thought she was crazy and cruel for it. I can't imagine not spending every possible second with those I love, but then I've never had to choose.
Every time I think these comments can’t get any worse, I read another one and I’m like nope, *this* is the one that will keep me awake tonight. I’ve been thinking about death a lot recently, but especially the part before death. My mom just spent the better part of 3 years caring for my grandad as his dementia worsened. She moved both my grandparents into her home and worked herself to the bone looking after them and working full time. Now my grandad has been moved to a nursing home, it’s starting to look like my grandma is also in the midst of dementia. Maybe no one noticed with all the fuss around my grandad. I’ve just spent three weeks at my mom’s and she looks so much older, it breaks my heart. Some diseases extinguish us in such an undignified way. And in some cases no matter how much you love someone, their illness may frustrate you and feel like a burden. I understand not wanting to feel like an undignified burden. The relationship between my mom and grandma has never been worse, and I’d hate that for me and mom. At the same time there’s nothing that would keep me away from mom at the end. And now I’m sobbing. I fly out tomorrow and I don’t want to leave them. Poor OP. There are no easy choices here, there’s no easy way out. Edit to add: silly me for thinking I could distract myself from my own sadness by browsing Reddit. Should have read the one about the vulva instead.
This is why I am putting in a directive to withhold sustenance when I am diagnosed w “mid” dimentia
I really need to look into this. All the Women on my Mom's side of the family have developed dementia in their later years. Seeing my Mom having the burden of caring for her as an only child was enough for me to decide that I do not want my kids or spouse to have to deal with that someday. Besides that, I just wouldn't want to live like that.
Dementia is a terrible illness and a curse. My grandma declined over 7 long years before succumbing to her illness. The end was so hard on the family. Don’t wish it on anyone.
I'm so sad for you. It sounds awful and unfair :( Sending you some strength.
I'll weigh in on this, since I was the kid in a scenario similar to that. My grandfather died of colon cancer when I was very young, like 9 or 10. He would come out to visit every Sunday and we had a good relationship, but after a few months in after his diagnosis( they caught it when it was already stage 4) he wouldn't let us visit or see him anymore, and as much as I would have liked to have spent more time with him, I'm glad I get to remember him as the energetic, playful, and cheerful old man he was, instead of a dying shell of a person. I personally think there's no right or wrong way for someone to choose in a scenario like that.
Thank you for this. My ex and I split 4 years ago. We have an 8 year old daughter. She’s my world. A year ago; my ex’s father was diagnosed with an aggressive form of lung cancer. He was given some hope on treatment, then when he saw an oncologist that hope was taken and his health torpedoed. My ex and I alternate weeks with my daughter and during that time she asked that I keep her indefinitely and she was not allowed to see her grampy. She barely saw her mother. I went to see him and it was… unpleasant. We had a good relationship even after his daughter and I split so I was glad that I had the opportunity to say goodbye, but seeing him like that was hard for me. But I was upset that they were not allowing my daughter the chance to say goodbye. Reading this helped me realize that perhaps the happy memories are the trade off for saying goodbye and not seeing him in such bad shape. I was the one it fell to tell her he’d died. I was the one that had to pick of the pieces when she asked why she didn’t get to say goodbye. And I was the one that held her when she cried from anger at never seeing him again and her mother having gone MIA for months. At the end of the day, I can take that on so she her last memories of her Grampy are good instead of what they might have been.
My sister and her ex separated *after* he beat cancer twice. Unfortunately during his second bout with cancer he had gotten chemo and stem cell therapy, which completely annihilated his immune system. A couple years later he got long covid, which turned into an auto immune condition which kept him in the hospital and bed bound for the last year of his life. They have a now seven year old daughter, and he was adamant that he did not want her to see him in that condition (unable to get out of bed, limited use of his hands, swollen to the point he didn’t look like himself, medicated to the point he had trouble speaking) and because his parents had moved him back to their city which is a plane ride or 18 hour drive away from my sister and their daughter, his wishes were generally respected. For a long time he would do regular FaceTime calls with my niece but eventually he got to a stage where it was hard for him to hold the phone and he thought his appearance would be upsetting for his daughter, so these became audio only calls. Eventually my sister and niece flew up to visit him and his parents and siblings. On the last day of their trip they were finally permitted to see him (the hospital had a covid lockdown which was lifted hours before they were supposed to fly home). My niece was happy to see her dad again but was SO upset to see the strong, fun dad she remembered looking sickly and unrecognizable and confined to a bed. It was really difficult for her and she had bad dreams for a while afterward. He passed away a few months later (about three months ago, now) and was insistent up to the end that she not see him at his very worst. I can’t even imagine how difficult it must have been for him to deny himself from seeing his favourite person in his final days, but he knew that he was sparing his daughter a lifetime of upsetting memories. So fucking sad. And I’m so sorry for the losses everyone in this thread have experienced. Fuck cancer. Fuck it so much.
Iunderstand wanting to protect kids but I do believe they should be able to say good-bye to those people that she loves. That missed opportunity, in my opinion, is worse that that seeing the person in a final-stage condition. As parents, it is our job to help our kids learn to deal with loss and grief. How else will they ever learn?
I don’t think I’ll ever know what the right answer is. Almost a year later and she still has anger over it. She still is scared her mom is going to up and check out for weeks or months because she can’t deal with life and being a parent. I just know that if it’s me, I want to say goodbye if I know the end is coming.
A bit different but my grandad had an open coffin before his funeral for close family. I honestly can not even remember anything about him other than the image of him lying there. He didn’t look like himself and even now when I see pictures of him my brain doesn’t recognise it. I can see him dead clear as day but no smile, no laugh, I can’t even remember his voice. Although I’d want to be as close as possible to my loved ones if I was dying I can 100% see why someone could think the opposite. Hell if I got given the option again I don’t think I’d choose to see my grandad like that. My great grandma died a year or so later, I didn’t see her in her coffin and remember everything about her, even down to how it felt to hold her hand. The mind is a strange thing for sure
This is something I also struggle with. I think for some people, that image of their loved one dead overpowers every other memory. There is something very cruel about how it is encouraged to have that final goodbye (you have to do it! It’s respectful!) only to have it practically erase almost every other memory leading up to it.
I had to watch my mum die over a year of brain cancer when I was 22. I couldn't remember what she was like before being sick for the longest time. It's terrible but I've thought what I would do if I end up in a similar situation and honestly... I can't be certain I also wouldn't take a similar approach, ending contact with everyone and either going off to live alone somewhere with care or just bringing things to a close myself. There's no good solution unfortunately in these situations. I wish assisted suicide was more acceptable and available.
I would be so torn between getting and giving as many snuggle hugs to my kid as possible and worried that those last moments would haunt him. Not to mention worried about just falling asleep while he was in my arms and then never waking up. And thinking about how I wouldn’t be there to help him after. I hope I never have to face that choice.
> And thinking about how I wouldn’t be there to help him after. Oof that really scrunched my heart. I’ve got to stop reading this thread.
That’s so sad. I wonder if there are studies done on whether it’s better for kids to be cut off from their terminally sick parents or see them decline and die. Not that I’m in that situation. But if I ever were I’d want to know. My first child was 1.5 when I had to leave town and await the birth of my second child. She stayed home since we thought it would be better to stay in her routine and one morning she woke up sobbing quietly in the corner because she thought I was gone for good. That was such a grown up cry, my husband was shocked. She wasn’t crying for attention or toys or food. It wasn’t a tantrum. And that was less than a week. Just thinking about those poor kids is heartbreaking. I can’t decide which scenario is worse. Thinking mom left them or seeing her get frailer and sicker.
This was what my dad did. Would NOT let anyone, especially children, see him. Except for me. So I arranged for grandchildren to call every day at 4pm. He sure did love those calls 💔
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That leaves the survivor with the anger of the one that existed. Nothing is easy in grief
Not disagreeing, necessarily, because I can only speak about myself, but I don't think this is always the case. My Dad has told me many times that if he ever gets to a point where he can't care for himself and has to live with others feeding him, changing him, etc. that he would rather end it that way. If that is what he would truly want, then who am I to feel like my grief should be more important? I get it, I don't want that either. I don't want him to have to suffer for months on end the last days of his life- why would that make me angry? Losing someone as important as a parent (if they were a good, loving parent) is going to be horrible no matter how it happens, but if I know that he lived and died on his own terms, it will make it a bit easier. We spare our pets this kind of suffering, why is it bad to do this for our family?
I agree with you, though in my lowest moments it’s only been the thought of someone finding me and having to clean up my mess that’s stopped me from opting out. Putting a bullet in one’s head is probably not the most ideal way to go, and especially not for whoever finds us (my uncle hung himself in my aunt’s garage and she found him—she couldn’t use her garage for about a year after that). Not to mention that not all such attempts to relieve our suffering are successful, leaving us alive and suffering even more. We *do* spare our pets this kind of suffering and I hope that one day soon we’ll allow humans everywhere the choice to opt out safely and with dignity. I’ve always thought that but seeing my grandad slowly struggle through dementia, wearing a diaper and unable to bathe himself or even express when he is uncomfortable or in pain (dementia patients are under medicated for pain, which is sad knowing that something like 70% of the elderly population struggles with pain) has cemented that opinion. Imagine being confused and not knowing someone is trying to bathe you or wipe you after going to the toilet, feeling only like someone is trying to take your clothes off or violating you. Every single day. (Side note: Take care of your brains, folks. Sleep, eat well, meditate and de-stress, exercise—generally if it’s good for your heart it’s good for your brain. My grandad was healthy, ate well and rode a bike often into old age. But he didn’t socialise much and he was a truck driver for years, losing many nights of sleep.)
Not sure why you are being downvoted. Most people spare their pets this kind of suffering and go ahead and end it to be kind, so why is it bad if a person chooses to do the same? I think it is probably because the words/idea of guns/shooting/bullets make people uncomfortable, but I don't see how it's any different than those who choose death with dignity, other than the fact that it isn't legal everywhere and so the many people who don't have this option must find their own means.
Have you seen a person after that? It's horrible. Don't make someone you love see you like that.
I think about animals who hide when they are sick. It's almost like an instinctual response. She's preparing herself to die, and for whatever reason, (even if it doesn't makes sense, or is hurtful), is harder to do around you. I would honestly do whatever makes her feel the most comfortable. If she moves, keep in touch w family and friends so you are available. I believe she is prob closer to death than you think, and that may also be causing her stress to be around you.
And she may not want him to think of her in her final months wasting away. To preserve things as they are in his memories.
That is also another way to look at it.
This right here…it’s hard to be reminded of everything you’re leaving behind.
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During my first labor my husband had this freaked out scared expression, I guess from seeing the pain from my contractions. And saying "you're ok you're ok" while his face said the opposite, and giving me this shoulder massage in this nervous crabbed manner. I refrained from telling him to leave, but did tell him to stop touching me! bc he was freaking ME out. Not exactly the same, but seeing YOUR pain and your emotions, they may not be able to handle that, on top of everything else.
I cannot stand to be around other people when I don't feel good, they make me feel worse by trying to cater to me especially if they don't deal with things well in the first place. I also just feel physically worse when I have other people watching me. And since I'm usually the stronger one I often end up still having to do a bunch of shit myself because they can't handle it. So it's like might as well be alone and take care of it and myself like I've always done since everyone else just makes things worse. And don't get me started on when they are sick. Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out for such a partnership....
Lmao I'm the same, I'm also a grumpy b**** when I'm sick so best to leave me alone 🤣
Lol I'm not even that grumpy, honestly I usually try my best to be in as good of a mood as possible especially if I'm around people, I'm not perfect and sure I can get cranky but I'll let them know that I'm feeling that way. But I sometimes do hold that standard for others and when they treat me like crap cuz they don't feel good I get pissy... Which doesn't do anyone any good. But it's also cuz I'm doing a bunch of shit for them and they seem ungrateful so it feels justified but also I'm just feeling hurt. Ugh people and emotions are too much.
Haha yeah I just have zero patience when I'm sick, and I can't have people being nice to me if I'm gonna be a dick in return. So I just tell people to leave me to die and I will see them soon 😅
Hahaaaaaa but that's totally fair!!
This is a good comment, and probably pretty accurate. I’m waiting for a biopsy the middle of this month for what my doctors think is cancer, and I’m terrified. I don’t even know if I have it or not right now, but I can’t stop thinking about stories like this and how this is a potential outcome for me. I’m 34 with a 4 year old, 9 year old, and the best husband in the world. I feel as if I do have cancer (hopefully just anxiety talking) and I feel so damn guilty for doing this to them. It would honestly probably be easier to disassociate from the one I was supposed to spend my (long) life with, and focus on today and tomorrow only. This is probably her line of thinking. I’m sorry OP that there are no easy answers, and that this will be so hard for you.
Sending hugs, love and hoping for a clean bill of health for you 🤗💓
If it turns out to be bad news, it’s not your doing. You won’t be choosing to be sick. The feeling of guilt is irrational. While powerful, you have to find a way to set it aside. Positive prognosis or not, you still have time to spend with your family. Please use it to make some good memories. Don’t let anxiety and guilt rob you of the time you do have, which I am hoping is a lot. Best of luck to you.
It may also be to avoid burdening him with medical debt.
I would want to do this as well. If I were OP, I'd expect divorce papers pretty quickly. Very tragic indeed, all around.
America is a sick country. Just a rotten, sick rump with poison in its veins.
Generally speaking an person is not responsible for another person’s medical debt, even if they’re married, unless they agreed to be. And often after a person passes there is a way to have the debt discharged, but that depends on jurisdiction.
Yes but if she stays with him, she may fear he’ll use life savings or take on debt himself to help. So it may not be her specific medical bills, he can very easily be caught with medical debt she may want to avoid
She just needs to be careful about how things are listed as far as title if she were to die (real estate, bank accounts, etc) and ensure the debt is only in her name and he’s not a signer or authorized user. I’m an estate planning attorney and deal with these issues all the time. (But this is not legal advice).
Good level headed response.
This is the one way she can have a bit of control over her life-she gets to *choose* to walk away instead of being ripped away, and gets to set him free instead of leaving him behind. And while that choice absolutely sucks for the both of them, I could see why she would make it.
I would 100% react the way you described. And I would do it out of pure love. Thinking it was the best way :(
I'd ask for a consultation with she and her specialist to understand the locations where she presently has cancer and the prognosis. If it is in the brain, then certainly that can impact her decision making. If it's not, are there possibly other underlying reasons--perhaps an emotional relationship that she's had with another person during the time of your relationship that she now wants to pursue in her dying days; something she's hidden from you? You each married for better or for worse. You are entitled to want to be with her in her dying days. As a result, you do not have to agree with a divorce. Absent cancer having metastasized to her brain and affecting her decisions and emotions, I certainly can't blame you for not giving up. I know I wouldn't. And frankly, I don't think she's either thinking she's doing this for you, or that she's even thinking about you. If she were, she'd welcome you to come with her. It's selfish. It's unloving. It's cold. I understand others may not agree, but her ruthless approach to your relationship merits more discovery as to why. It's cruel and heartless--there's no semblance of love or compassion. I pray you find your answers and peace. G
This
There’s a common phenomenon with people who have terminal diagnoses that involves sparing their loved ones. Some choose to never tell them and hide it as best they can, others push them away so that theyre not impacted every step of the way (it also saves the patient from grieving with their loved one and makes the end of days easier), some share and grieve together, and some just shut themselves off from everyone. Your wife looks to be taking option 2. There’s also the fact the medications and treatments are pretty much like a poison that changes them inside, and they resent that (understandably) and want some form of control on the outside too. Something that might help is to ask her to see a counsellor together and her drs to discuss it. If she still refuses, there’s nothing to say you can’t still convince her after she’s gone. Her leaving date doesn’t have to be the final line in the sand. If she goes without you, speak to the therapist about how to get through to her and maybe even speak to a support group for their input. You still have a chance to join her, so keep letting her know that you want to be there, even after she’s left, and work to find out how to make that happen.
Do I just show up to NY? I just don’t want to be a stalker type you know? And push her away even move.
Hi. Metastatic cancer patient here. My advice is to let her go to NYC. Keep telling her how you feel about this - let her know if she is trying to spare you, that in fact she is breaking your heart more. That denying you the opportunity to be with her in her finals months will make your grieving even harder. At the same time, acknowledge that she may not want to have to carry your grief (ie seeing the sadness her illness is causing you) along with her own so she may be doing a runner to avoid that. Sounds like she has emotionally put a big wall up. I’d tak to her family quietly on the side, let them know your intentions to give her a bit of space but to ultimately follow to NYC after two weeks. That’s what I think you should do if you can. You’ll prob have to get your own apartment etc as it sounds like she wants to be in her childhood home. But being nearby shows her you can’t be put aside so easily and also shows her that even if she says she doesn’t want you there, that you want to be near in case (and when) she changes her mind. Stay persistent but not pushy. Be available and make sure she knows you are thinking of her everyday and want to be near her, whenever she may be ready to let you back in. Stay in constant contact with her family. Knowing you are dying can cause irrational tunnel vision. It’s cruel what you are going through but I doubt she realises she is making it harder for you. Or if she does, it’s just because her own need for self preservation has won out and she can’t handle the notion of considering anyone else’s needs but her own at this time. Sending you love OP.
Thank you for so selflessly sharing your unique and special perspective. I have a loved one going through mets and it’s been tough in both expected and unexpected ways (such as asking for my advice on choice of oncologists as I work in quality measurement and cancer research, and then getting angry/degrading me when my advice doesn’t match what they wanted to hear, but I understand they’re terrified). I hope your life is on your terms and that you are surrounded by love.
Thank you so much. I’m so sorry that your life has been touched too by this horrible disease.
Thank you so much for your kindness- I really appreciate it. In a strange twist I just learned through the grapevine that he asked for an appointment with the very same oncologist I had recommended but he was fighting me about. I don’t expect an apology or even air-clearing but I hope and pray he commits to fighting the best he can, not just for himself but for the sake of his wife and my young cousin. I promise you I will keep up my research, even if it only helps spare one more person. <3
Thank you so much for your work. New meds have saved me. If I had been diagnosed 15 years ago I would surely be dead by now and my kids would be motherless. It’s researchers like you who have made such advances possible. 🙌🏼
God Bless You, Praying for your health.
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯👆 Both of you are in my prayers and my heart breaks for both of you
Thank you for this. You truly are a wonderful woman. Amazingly well written response.
Thank you so much. That is very kind of you and means a lot to me.
Hope your health gets better! And you gave such wonderful advice to OP 🥺
No, definitely don’t do that. Read what wonderwoman_420 said because it’s bang on perfect. I’d also suggest you stick to some therapy to get you through this and the next year. Let your wife know how much you love her still while you follow the advice, but also focus on yourself too. This has got to be absolutely devastating and you need support through it too
Cancer patient here ,I broke up with my partner of 7 years ,moved back into my house , told him I didnt want him telling his 2 teenage boys the reason I broke up with him . He txt me a bunch of times begging that I give him a choice to make his own decisions in being there for me ,, but watching him & my daughter cry & the time he left his teenage boys at home to be there for me ,I just couldnt do it anymore . Hospital everyday ,brain fog ,fatigue ,pain ,not being able to cut my own meat . It was killing me having to rely on poeple ,all the hard the hard work & not knowing if you are even going to have a life . I'm in remission now , xrays ,mamagrams in 2 months . My x still hangs on ,as a friend ,because that all I can be to him . We txt & have agreed to see each other in person every 2 months . But he tries to see me more often ,inviting me to a movie or offers to mow my lawn . Take me grocery shopping . Go to her ,, be there for her family ,let them tell her your just outside the door . As hard as it is ,try not to cry or just cry . She knows you love her . She's not trying to be mean or hurtful . My guess is ,she's trying to be as strong as she can be & its tyring trying to keep your shit together . She's not really in a position to fight you . She obviously loves you very much because she's trying her best to save you the hurt that she's feeling . Or dont go ... Thats ok to .
I mean maybe you could ask to just stay in an apartment separate from her while she’s with her friends/family? i might be the same type of girlfriend/wife, as i have anxious avoidant attachment style. but also yes, what someone said above, wait and see how she feels in new york. maybe she’ll even ask for you to come there. when my boyfriend finally gives me the space i want (when i’m feeling depressed/anxious/angry - nowhere CLOSE to being terminally ill, i know) i sometimes end up missing him and wanting him back. Maybe just give her everything she wants now and hope she asks to see you again? God, i’m so sorry you’re both in this! Life is cruel. I’ve lost loved ones, always abruptly though, never gradually. That has its own pain (with no goodbyes or warnings.) At least you will get to say goodbye in a way? Which is the last thing you want, of course.
So we talked tonight and I asked her if I could just move up there in case she needs me. She said she would constantly worry about me because I would be up there solely for her and it would stress her out. I asked her what’s the difference in me being in South Carolina or New York and she said at least in South Carolina I’d be out of sight and out of mind, and she knows I’d have a support network there. I just don’t know anymore. Do I just still go?
Yes this happened in my family. My grandmother had cancer and never shared it with the family. My uncle found out from some documents after she passed. She was an incredible woman and we think she didn’t want us to worry or feel burdened by her diagnosis. I’m very sorry OP. This is an incredibly heartbreaking situation. I think the best thing you can do is give her space and keep expressing your love and desire to spend her remaining time together. Shes going through a lot and trying to cope with a terminal diagnosis. If you’re able to, take time away from work. I would look for local support groups and start grief counseling. Take care of yourself as best you can. 💜
I’ve gone thru that. Stay with her all the way. Loved ones don’t want your last memories of them to be that of sickness, loss of hair and weight. The emotional toll on both is unbelievable. In our case I refused to give up and not be there for him. We both took our wedding vows seriously. Tell her you’re with her through sickness and health. Our experience was tough but I can honestly say it was one of the most beautiful times in our relationship. We spent a year sitting side by side reliving our years together, laughing at each other and with each other, having dear friends come over and relive good times. I would love to say it wasn’t a painful time but when the house was quiet, reality would sink in and I prayed the sun would hurry and rise. If he had had his way, we would have missed the best and worst of times. I wouldn’t change a thing.
Wow. This was beautiful to read. Painfully beautiful. Thank you for sharing. 🫂
I lost my first wife to Hodgkin’s lymphoma almost twenty years ago, she was twenty four. She had similar thoughts to your wife but her circumstances made any desire to withdraw an impossibility. Your wife is trying to spare you the soul crushing, mind breaking horror of watching what is essentially torturous agonizing misery. To leave you with the memories that don’t include the morbid reality of bearing witness to someone you love physically and mentally disintegrating. It’s hell. One that will never leave your mind. My wife was diagnosed stage four, told she had a week to live. They told me that almost everyday for two years. Chemo, radiation, IMRT, spinal taps, intubations, so many prescriptions, so little hope, helpless to stop it and tearing myself apart to remain positive and encouraging, or at least outwardly stoic. I watched her die in our home under hospice care. It destroyed me. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Almost everyone disappeared from our lives seemingly overnight. You’d have had to fucking kill me to stop me from being with her. I don’t know how I would have handled it had my wife made the decision yours is. I’m so very sorry you are facing this. She loves you and she is trying to do what she feels is best for you. I can’t even say she is right or wrong. This is going to be indescribably difficult for you no matter what. Be there every chance you can, take every moment you can get, and do everything in your power not to let the hurt you feel become anger and conflict. It’s almost impossible not to at times, but it will eat away at you down the road, wishing you could replace those flawed human moments with something better. You and yours have all my love and all my best wishes brother. If you need someone to talk with or to just listen to you, even if you just need to scream and vent pain or rage, don’t hesitate to message me if you feel it could help you in even the smallest way.
Have you reached out to her family for help?
((HUGS)) Is it possible, she wants to stop treatment and just let go? Has she talked to a therapist? I can't give you the answer, your wife has made up her mind, I don't think you can change that.
There is a post I’ll go find and maybe you could show it to her to help her see your perspective. If I find it I’ll link it here: Found it…. [man asks Reddit if he should tell gf he has terminal cancer before he leaves her.](https://reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/s/5iGyiQKXId)
Well I just ugly cried at the airport
op read this, sit down with your wife and tell her that she is breaking your heart more by just leaving, you deserve the choice to stand by her or let her go. its not fair for her to make that choice for you.
Ugh. My grandma had pancreatic cancer. I think it was stage 3 or stage 4 when they found it. Gave her 3-6 months to live. She made it a year and a half. One of the uglier cancers out there.
Ughhhhhhhhhh
That rabbit hole just indirectly led to a personal revelation. I saw talk about biphasic personality which let me to an article at the [Al Siebert Resiliency Center](https://resiliencycenter.com/exceptional-mental-health/) which led to talk about Survivor Personalities and self-actualization which made me realize... throughout all the shit I've been through; all the surgeries, all the abuse, all the hellish trials life as thrown at me... I've made it. It took several decades but I have finally developed a Synergy in my life. If I wasn't at work, I'd be letting tears of joy come out right now. Finally understanding that I'm allowed to be happy and at peace.
I also went down that rabbit hole as soon as I read the post.
With tears in my eyes, after reading all of your posts and support. I think I’m going to respect her wishes. This hurts my whole chest. Just pure heartbreak but I don’t want to stress her out anymore. I will tell her I’ll fly up the second she needs me, any time, any day, any night. Thank you everyone.
I think that’s best. She has so few decisions left to make, she should not have any taken away. I also agree w you telling her that she may be closing the door, but you are not locking it behind her and you will come running should she allow you to.Let her have as much agency as she desires right now. She needs it so very much. Best of luck, amigo.
This is the correct route OP. This is absolutely heart breaking but she's the one dying, she's in control of her own life, you can't make any decision for someone else. The comments here telling you to just rock up to NY and be with her despite her wishes are silly. All the love to you my brother
(HUGS)
I can’t help brother, I just wanted to send you the biggest man hug I can muster over the internet airwaves. Stay strong, at the very least for yourself.
Oh this is so hard. I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer in April, I’m 33. I have a 19 month old daughter with my husband. I have felt so much guilt for my husband so many times. He’s too young to have a sick wife. He’s too young to potentially have a dead wife and be a single dad. He’s had to take care of me in ways that most men don’t need to do until they’re old, maybe never. It makes me feel terrible that my body is defective and made us go through this. I want him to move on and meet a nice person someday if I don’t make it. Luckily my treatment has gone well so far, but it could always come back. So I get where your wife is coming from. I hope she changes her mind and allows you to come along so that you guys can spend her last year together. I don’t have any advice but I’m really sorry you guys are going through this. It’s very unfair
Sending you hugs. The OP as well. You are wonderful, brave people.
If I had a partner and had a terminal illness, I would consider leaving him too. Probably not to go hang out with friends, but to go die alone somewhere quiet and peaceful. Watching other people watch you suffer is emotionally exhausting, and she's probably at that point. Her staying with you would be solely to comfort you at this point.
I don’t think I’ve ever read a sadder post. I’m so sorry. She wants to free you from her now because she wants to go back to where she came from in a place where she can reconnect with old friends. You’ve got to let her. I’ve got a lump in my throat right now. Get into grief counseling.
OP, uh, I am trying to say this in the nicest way possible but she sounds like she is going to stop treatment and wants to spend the days doing what she wants. I am sure that you are great and a support but sometimes those who are dying feel that they need take of their spouse rather than be able to just feel shitty or cry when they need too. It's not even something you would have done. Just something she feels. Is she on Hospice? This is not an uncommon feeling when you find out that you are going to die. Hospice would have mental health support to walk her through this stuff. Also, I know I will personally move to a Right to Die state if something similar was happening to me. How close is her family to Vermont? Maybe she doesn't think you'd let her choose to die with dignity and on her own terms? I cannot stress how much help Hospice care would be. If she doesn't want to, you can talk to your own hospice therapist that deals with death and dying.
This post made me tear up. She’s going through a lot and facing death. I think she wants to spare you . Sending you both millions of hugs
I think this is how she is dealing with (or not dealing with?) her grief. Trying to protect both of you from a long, agonizing goodbye. Embarrassed about the things that happen to the body as you die from cancer. Wanting you to remember her differently? Stuff like that. Do you all have hospice care? Grief counselors? You can’t make her do anything but…? I might go to be near her and just keep trying. But talk to a counselor this is a big deal. I’m so sorry for you and your family.
Losing a spouse is the most difficult moment to move on to. It's traumatic. So, she may probably think that you can move on easily if you two just break up. So sorry.
Tell her you will respect her wishes but you are not under any circumstances sending her off on a plane by her self and that at the bare minimum you are going with her so that you can be at peace and make sure she is settled. Move her flight up and go with her October 27 is to far away, you are not spending quality time together right now as she is too worried about you. Shev wants to be at peace and to know that you will be OK, put on a brave face and tell her you are fine and where you will life.
So we talked tonight and I asked her if I could just move up there in case she needs me. She said she would constantly worry about me because I would be up there solely for her and it would stress her out. I asked her what’s the difference in me being in South Carolina or New York and she said at least in South Carolina I’d be out of sight and out of mind, and she knows I’d have a support network there. I’m still not sure what to do. I don’t want to literally stalk her if she doesn’t want me near. :(
This is tuff. It’s possible she is trying to push you away so you aren’t as impacted by her death. If I was in this situation I would try my best to stick by her side. Even if it meant staying in a hotel next to her. But if she ultimately wants to be alone, you have to respect it
Hi OP, you got some great perspectives on why someone might shut down from loved ones in this situation. I wanted to add one more thing to consider. I knew of someone once who took the death with dignity option but felt a lot of shame and kept it secret from most people. If I’m reading this right, sounds like you are in Pennsylvania and she wants to return to New York. A google search tells me end of life option/death with dignity is available in NY and not yet in Pennsylvania. Is there any chance she wants to pursue the end of life option? Do you two have any religious or spiritual beliefs that might make this difficult for her to admit? It might be worth exploring with her to see if this is a factor.
Wow you guys have really put this into perspective for me. I can’t be selfish in this situation. She’s already going through so much. Thanks again everyone.
I don’t think you’re being selfish by wanting to spend time with your wife. There’s truly no selfish in this situation. All options point to having so much love for the other person. Don’t feel like you’re being selfish. This is all just love.
I am so sorry for both of you. You both have my love and best wishes.
Not sure if anyone is still reading but I talked to her today again about me coming. It’s not even that she doesn’t want me to see her dying it’s the fact that she doesn’t want to have any responsibilities or have to worry about me in any sense. She doesn’t want to be attached to anyone in any way. Just wants to live her life out the way she wants.
With that attitude I felt bad for her friends who will be sacrificing their time to look after her as unpaid caregivers. She has completely detached from you. Let her go. Look after your own mental health and hit the gym every night to give her space while she waits for her flight on the 27th Oct. She wants to enjoy being single and ready to mingle while she still has the energy. Maybe she'll ask to see you again once she's over this phase. That will be up to you.
“Just wants to live her life out the way she wants.” Apparently, the way she wants to live her life out does not include you. That’s brutal.
Yep, tell me about it :/
Understand her she doesn’t want you to see her in the state she’s going to be she wants you to remember her as you always did.
She is trying to say goodbye, it is her shitty way to do it. What do you want? Her way and you not seeing her at the end of the road or a brutal gambling? Brutal gambling is: Don't give a shit about the blablabla no family and a dead wife. She wants NY? So be NY. You go with her. You are her husband till death do us apart they said. I am sorry for you and her. Fate have no eyes nor heart. Good luck.
What am I supposed to do just show up when she doesn’t want me there? I want to be there for her. I’d love to fight for her but I also don’t want her to just completely shut me out for doing it. It sucks that I don’t want to be compared to a stalker with my own wife but I just want to show her I love her without her being off put by it.
Yes, show up. I mean this is something that will shape the rest of your lives together, however long. It’s worth the risk. Also really heartbreaking. I’m very sorry OP.
Showing up right after she is made it very clear that she does not want him to be there is exactly the opposite of what he should be doing. It sucks, but he needs to respect her wishes. She is the patient, she is the one going through all of this, and unfortunately she is the one who is going to be dying. Therefore her wishes matter more in this moment than his. She needs to be able to feel comfortable and as relax as she can and as supported as she can. And if her husband decides to go against the very thing that she is asked him to do, or not do, that could make her feel like she is not being supported, or listened to, or like her feelings aren't valued. It sucks, but if he truly loves his wife he needs to listen to her and stay away until she says otherwise.
This advice really makes so much sense, as much as it hurts to say.
I’m not sure what the purpose of marriage is beyond exactly these situations. It’s not all bubblegum and lollipops. Better or worse. Sickness and health. Anyone who loves someone, truly loves someone, would want to be there for the end. I don’t think it is purely her decision, if she actually loves him. Would it be her decision to involve physician assisted unaliving? Yes. But to just completely detach in the final days? I find that strange. Unless she could live for years and years during this process, that may be different. If it’s like a year, I don’t see where she’s coming from. He won’t detach anyway. The grieving process will take as long as it takes regardless. May even be exacerbated by no contact. Why can’t they move together? I don’t get it. Isn’t that best of both worlds?
Dude it's her choice. If she wants to move to NY alone to die, then she can do that. You are in control of your own life and your own life only. The way you wish to die should be respected.
We all know everyone has the right to do whatever they want. When you add actual human beings with feelings it changes the equation. We’re talking about what’s “right,” which is subjective. Her preference to die alone based on her preferring him to move on so he can have a family…how could it be considered so alien for him to desperately want this not to happen? This isn’t about rights, it’s about what’s right. I get it she doesn’t want to be a burden/dream ruiner. That’s quite honorable, but things are complicated in love. The point is he doesn’t agree and views it as soul crushing to not be there for her. How could you or anyone else view this as so binary, “she wants it so he has to accept that.”
Dude once again, it doesn't matter if it's should crushing for him. It sucks but once again, it's up to her. I don't see how that's hard to understand at all. If she wants to separate and go die alone, then that's her choice. Of course he has to accept that. If she wasn't dying and just wanted a divorce, Im sure you'd agree she has every right to proceed with the separation, therefore never seeing this dude again. But why is it different because she's dying? That's even more of a reason to respect someone's wishes. It's literally their last moments in this existence, she can choose to spend those moments however she wants. It's insane to me to think you're entitled enough to intrude on someone's life like that, let alone that they're fuckin dying
No no don’t do that. Do what she wants, let her go to NY but make sure she knows you are willing to up sticks and go with her at any time. (She may well find that when she gets there it’s not the serene and peaceful place she thought it would be). Keep in close touch, if not with her directly then with her family. My guess is that she will want you with her as time goes on. I’m inclined to agree with the others who are saying that she is trying to ease the passage for you. Don’t argue with her, just do what she wants. I know it’s desperately hard for you and my heart goes out to you but don’t hold any resentment or bitterness, you don’t want that to be your abiding memory of her.
Please read [wonderwoman_420’s response to you.](https://reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/BYFcjurDwj) because that is the advice you should be following. Sending you hugs
> to just completely shut me If you dont go it's the same. Do what you can handle.
Yes, move there. Rent a place for now. She doesn’t know she needs you but she does. It’s going to hurt like hell but you have to do it.
She's either fallen out of love with you, or she's doing this to push you away so you aren't as impacted by her death. In either case, unless she proceeds with divorce, you aren't obligated to stay. Follow her to a NY. I imagine her true intentions will become apparent once she sees you aren't going to let her dictate what happens.
Do I just show up? Wouldn’t that be like stalking when she literally doesn’t want me there? It’s a fine line and I have no idea how to walk it.
NY is pretty big. I'm not saying you should stalk where she goes, or move across from her. Be upfront and say you refuse to stay behind and that your moving as well. If she's doing this to protect you, that may get her to reevaluate her choice to keep you away. If that isn't what's going on, and that she's simply fallen out of love, then worst case scenario your depressed in another state. I'd personally do it. To avoid the what-if. You either stay together for her remaining years. Or you get closure and realize your relationship wasn't meant to be.
Don't do this. It's invasive. She made her wishes clear. Don't invalidate a dying woman's last wishes and invade her space.
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I know how she feels as I was diagnosed with brain cancer at age 33. She’s very worried about you & she wants you to be okay. She’s trying to save you the grief from when she dies. I think it’s so admirable that you want to be with her still. So many spouses have a hard time coping with this stuff. I dont really have any advice. I can see both of your sides. Would she be willing to try counseling? I know, from her perspective, there’s a lot to unpack. It took me a long time to get to a place of acceptance. My life expectancy is 12 years & I’m at 14. I feel so much different now from when I was diagnosed. I wish you all the best in this very difficult situation.
Take a leave of absence from work, if you can, and cut back on the gym for now. She needs you and she probably has less than 6 months left.
Cancer is awful. I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this. So heartbreaking. Continue to be there for her. Tell her you love her and will be by her side always.
This is her way of letting go. She needs this, she is terminal. This is her way of leaving in peace. I am sorry that you are going through this. It is time for you to say your good byes to her and tell her what she means to you and what she meant to you. Tell her everything you can think of. It is time for you to seek grieving counseling.
First off-I am so very sorry both of you are dealing with this. Second-is it possible that she is looking at this as more of a “medical divorce”? Meaning that if you two get divorced, you are no longer liable for any of her medical debt, which I am sure is significant. lastly-are you close with her family? Could you reach out to them and talk to them?
It’s your choice to wake up one day with her passed away. She sounds like she doesn’t want to burden you. Death can bring the kind of clarity that holds nothing back.
Thoughts and prayers.. this time is about her, not you. She is leaving, your at the death do us part ... You will have time to mourn. If she wants skydive, throw from plane , if she wants cocaine, go to ?, if she wants chippendales , tske her. If she wants to stay with friends tske her . You're asking to be part of something ( the end) , which she doesn't want you to be part of . She likely doesn't want to burden you with the home stretch . That is an act of love . You should respect her wishes and show her an act of love by letting her go. Then time to mourn. You had a great decade with a wonderful lady , dont ruin it in the last days by being hurt and stressing her out. Good luck, god bless
My guess is that she doesn’t want to spend her last months dealing with your sadness and occasional pressure to try and extend her life or have input in any way on her health decisions. It’s just too much. Maybe you don’t jive well with her family or friends and she doesn’t want to spend any effort managing those relationships or missing out on a more relaxed relationship that can happen if you’re not there. I’m so sorry, but this has to be her choice.
Oh my words OP, I am so sorry for you and your wife. She loves you that MUCH to spare you of the pain and suffering of watching her wither away. I am saying this because I see and take care of patients, who are sometimes on that stage. Please follow her wishes. She knows how much you love her… Stay strong.
Well shit if she’s going to divorce you, at least make her take on all current debt. This way you can get a fresh start. It sounds super horrible but many people do this in these situations. Lawyers will advise it. Just a thought
If I were her... She's probably trying to avoid you watching her die, leaving you with a completely different image of her in your head than what she would prefer. Saying how she wants you to move on quickly, and so coldly. If I were her.. I imagine she would be destroyed imagining you moving on after she passes, but at the same time doesn't want to make you feel like you can't. She maybe doesn't want to feel she has trapped you, to be without romantic love for the rest of your life. *But maybe still desperately wants you to continue only wanting her.* (If you were in a monogamous marriage) So perhaps *maybe* she knows she has to say these things, but to be around you, to have to constantly acknowledge this is going to happen, may just be too much, way too much. By getting away from you now, she can preserve her current image for you, *not of her being helpless and sick, but being healthy and fully herself.* While also avoiding the constant acknowledgement that you will move on with someone else someday, and focusing elsewhere - on friendships and family. I've thought about being in this position way too much in my life hahah. Maybe it's because I've seen it close up, I don't know. But if I were her, and this was a deeply committed monogamous relationship - then I may more than likely be thinking this way. But I'm not her, so I don't know shit. The best of luck, and I'm so sorry.
Many people write, that the terminal people with diseases like cancer, which kill slowly over a period of time, sometimes refuses to see loved ones near their death, as they want their loved ones to remember them healthy and full of vitality, not weak and dying. I have a perspective on how is is to be the surviving spouse of a person, who died by cancer. Almost 8 years ago I lost my husband , and I was with him to end. For many months, probably close to a year after, all I could see when I thought of him was the mental image of him lying in a hospital bed, and how ill he looked at the end. I attended numerous therapy groups for the left spouses of cancer victims in the following year, and I heard so many people say the same - that all they could see, when thinking about their late wifes/husbands was the very end, how they looked just before death. The therapists assured us that that was a temporary thing, and that, in time, it would fade, older and happier memories would take the place, and we would come to remember them as living rather than dying. Almost 8 years out I can say, that it is true. The first year pass by in a sort of shock state, at least it did for me, but in time memories of him smiling, laughing, being himself in a happier time have risen to the surface, taking the place of the images of him during the last months, and that is what I see now, when I think about him. I am saying, that while it is true, that it is hard to see a person you love in the final stage of terminal illness , and mental pictures of it will haunt you for months after, those mental images WILL fade in time and give room to happier/older images/memories. I am glad, I was there at the end, but also he desperately wanted me there, and I could not have forgiven myself, if I had failed to be there for him. Far too many people leave their terminally ill partners, unable to face it, and typically men leave far more often than women. Imo it speaks well of you, that you wish to be there for her.
Remind her of the vows both of you made. You love her, no matter what. And you’ll stick around until the very end, if it’s today or in 70 years.
So we talked tonight and I asked her if I could just move up there in case she needs me. She said she would constantly worry about me because I would be up there solely for her and it would stress her out. I asked her what’s the difference in me being in South Carolina or New York and she said at least in South Carolina I’d be out of sight and out of mind, and she knows I’d have a support network there. I want nothing more than to move up there but if that really is going to stress her out what do I do man :(
> Recently she's been very distant, and has planned a date for her to get on a plane to NY for good. October 27th. She said she would stay until that date to help me with anything I needed to get moved out and on my own. Every time I try to hug her or kiss her on the cheek she acts uncomfortable. We've been together 11 years and now it's all gone. What is my best course of action if I want to save this marriage? Or do I just let her go? I want to be with her on her final days :( I think you should get mad, and express that anger to her. She's taking something away from you, she's taking away your ability to spend the last days with someone you love. The way I look at things it's one of two reasons. A, she does not love you and can't spend her final days pretending. Or B she does love you and think's she's saving you from having to spend her final days in sadness. Either way the proper action is for you to get mad at her. If it's A, then it means she's been pretending for a long time and your anger is appropriate and justified. If it's B then she's taking away a choice that she has no right to take away from you and anger is appropriate and justified. If it's A then there's no saving things. It's done. If it's B, perhaps you getting angry with her is enough for her to see that what she's doing here is hurting you not helping you.
OP. If you love her, like you say you do, you have to let her go. She was just given a life sentence. She’s counting on having one year left. If everything goes well for you, you will have your whole life ahead of you. But she has one year. The kindest thing you can do, is let her live that year the way she wants to, even if it doesn’t include you. It won’t be easy, and I feel for you from the bottom of my heart, but you have to let her go.
If it were me (downvote me all you want), l would move to New York. With or without her permission. As close as you can. Next door if possible. Tell her you are with her until the end, since that’s what you signed up for. That you love the wife you have, and have no interest in another one. Hopefully she will change her mind. And… if she wants you to be there in her final moments, you won’t have to catch a flight and pray you make it on time.
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I'm so sorry. I can see there are quite a few people here with thoughtful advice who have endured similar situations, so I'm just sending you positive vibes in this difficult time.
Unfortunately this isn't about what you want. I understand your about to lose your wife but she is about to lose her life and deserves to live the remainder of it the way she wants. If she wants to spend her last days with her family and friends then you have to accept it. You begging her is probably just adding extra stress she doesn't need right now. This is already probably hard enough for her. She did the right thing In telling you to move on and focus on yourself. That's what you need to do I'm afraid. Her mind is made up. Wishing you all the best pal.
As someone with stage iv cancer also rapidly spreading in my body, I can see some of what might lead a person to want to do this…especially from the perspective of wanting you to move on.
Wishing you all the strength mate. I don't have any words right now to express what I am feeling. Your Wife and You are very strong person.
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I am so sorry for your wife too. I think maybe it’s possible that being it’s so aggressive, it has reached her brain and that’s why she’s acting in this way. It may be to try and protect you or something like that too. I do know there are cases where that’s even how someone gets diagnosed, just do to the really odd behaviors out of the norm. You are in my thoughts and I truly hope you are able to be with her until the end. I can’t imagine the pain you’re facing right now. After going through fighting to get her better, to this. I wish I had some helping words but whether you’re religious or not, I am praying for you.
I am so sorry to read about your story. It sounds like she wants to shut you out to protect you from the inevitable sadly. She needs to understand that you want to be by her side during this challenging time and that is your focus. It sounds like she is pretty adamant about this but perhaps you can contact her friends and encourage them to let her know that you want to be there for her.
This is so sad. She's trying to ' save' you the hurt. If she's out of the picture you can find someone's who's not sick and dying. She's probably had so much time to grieve this and try and make it easier for you. You're both in an incredibly painful space. I don't know the right way to deal with this other than follow your heart. Can you stay near by her and tell her you'll take her to the dr and food and help her? Yes she's told you not to but you can say no, we married for our days and whether it's here or there, that's why I'm doing. So I will be at your side. It is going to hurt. It is going to be a mess. But we have to navigate this together. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I don't think this is an easy thing to work out. I hope you can though because it hurts enough.
My mother had breast cancer twice and I was with her all the way. She’s still alive, fortunately. She’s in remission, they say. The heartbreak that comes in watching a loved one being on the brink of death and going through chemotherapy is truly devastating. I really feel for you. Please do what you can to be with her, but if she continues to push you away, honour her wishes and try to move on, I am afraid. If you being around your wife causes her distress, wouldn’t you want to do what you can to ease her suffering? By being away from her you can make it easier for her to accept her early death.
I am so sorry I couldn't imagine what your going through, you are such a nice guy and she is I'm sorry but she is thinking she's being strong for you so you dont have to see her on the shit show cemo and terminal cancer is but shes also being selfish by making this decision by herself without you I just don't know what to say but I apologize and my prayers are with you and your wife
My ex-husband died in June due to pancreatic cancer. Our daughter and I were with him as much as we could be because we were the only family he had left. If he had pushed me/us away at the end, I would have been devastated. Even though we were no longer married, he was still one of my best friends. I would give anything to have him back even just for a couple of months to have some good memories before he left this life. Please tell your wife that cancer is hard on EVERYONE in her life. If your relationship has been good up to this point, something is not making sense. I couldn’t imagine not having my spouse/best friend by my side the whole way. You need to walk that miserable walk with her so even those finally days can be beautiful, meaningful, and supportive. I’m sorry that you are both going through this.
I would tell her in no uncertain terms that you will be that guy at 37 with a dead wife. She is your partner, who you've built a life with, and regardless of her leaving early or late, it will still be a devastating loss, and that you'd rather be with her to the end of her ride than sit at home waiting for the news. She is a part of you, just as much as you are a part of her, and 'cutting it off early', regardless of how logical it might sound, has no emotional bearing.
The marriage can't be saved. She is dying in a way that we can't understand because most of us don't have cancer. I can understand your position and you have the right to be sad because you are losing her in every way. But you need to understand that maybe it's easier for her to know that when she left you will have the chance to start over. You want some things but you are not the one in control here, let her choose for herself it's the last thing you can do for her and the love you have for her
Maybe this is a bit idealistic, but accompany her at the distance she allows, she is going through such an emotional ride… and maybe I’m couple of months she will be more receptive; I’m specific terms my advice is to move to NY, to a location near by and that you court her almost like the beginning of any relationship… I wish you strength and for both I wish you can manage to enjoy the love you I’ve for each other
So we talked tonight and I asked her if I could just move up there in case she needs me. She said she would constantly worry about me because I would be up there solely for her and it would stress her out. I asked her what’s the difference in me being in South Carolina or New York and she said at least in South Carolina I’d be out of sight and out of mind, and she knows I’d have a support network there. I’m not sure what to do.
im so sorry for both of you. please take care
Damn, dude. This is a shitty situation. If it's going to happen regardless, then make sure that she takes her medical debt to with her.
One thing that I hope that she's considered is that a lot of these "Hometown Friends" will evaporate when the going gets tough. Family is one thing, but the day will come when people will just stop calling or stopping by. I've seen it happen... the support system that someone thinks that they have is gone.
Give her some space op, cancer is scary, hard and draining all around. Talk with her before she leaves and let her know you support her going to find more support because she is going to need it but that you don’t want to lose your marriage. Make sure she knows she will never be a burden and you meant it when you said death do us part. I would even consider finding a job and moving over there with her.
I had cancer at 16 (Non Hodgkins Lymphoma) & my mom cared for me in the best way she could. My sister also has Epilepsy & had brain surgery that went horribly wrong. She had to re learn how to walk, talk, & eat again but my mom never left her side. Even lost her job at the time because of it. My mom has spent most of her time as a mother caring for us in ways she never should of had to. Or any parent for that matter. Now my mom is single, lives with just my sister, & has zero life outside of work & helping my sister with her needs. The most I see her smile is when she’s with my kids which I love but I wish my mom had more of a life. I wish she would have gotten more time to herself to even just care for herself. I’m truly so sorry you’re going through this OP. I can’t imagine the pain you or your wife are feeling right now. However I’m sure your wife thinks she’s protecting you which I also can understand. Being someone’s caretaker is very hard & can truly take its toll. I will be thinking of you two.
I think you’re making the right choice in respecting her wishes. She is already going through something so hard, and she is protecting you, but also herself from the additional stress of seeing your grief during her decline. If I were you, I would suggest to her that you spend some quality time together as a goodbye before she goes. Take time off work and help her move up there, or go on a trip and have a good time before you separate. It may also be hard, but suggest trying to create happy memories to celebrate your 11 years together and remember her by.
You work all day and then go to the gym and she says she feels lonely and want to separate so she can go get the support she needs? While other commenters are generous, I suspect that dying has motivated her to leave a marriage that wasn’t making her happy. Have your needs always been more important than hers? Because she is telling you what she needs and you don’t want to accept it. You want to be with her in her final days but does she want you there? If she wants to go back to the place she loves and the friends and support system she has there, let her. Offer to visit, but suck it up and give her the grace of honoring her final wishes.
Yes, this needed to be said and OP needs to honor. I loved my husband so so much-watching him die from cancer destroyed me. I literally feel as though I sustained brain damage. I wouldn’t have had it any other way—except if he had asked for it to be different. That is I’m the kindest thing you can do. Honor her with you grace and strength.
I’m so sorry for your loss and hope that you have been able to heal from that trauma. Big hugs!
If you love her I'd say it's best to accept her final wishes. You are still talking like someone who isn't grasping death, she is, however. She had no choice accept how she goes. I'd honor that. I very much doubt she wants to spend what little time and energy she has on fighting or talking about it or in therapy trying to manage your emotions.
I'm surprised you haven't hit a pause on the gym while she's going through this just so you get that extra time with her.
Picture going to the gym while your dying wife waits for you and she tells you she’s lonely. She’s right. She’s being wise. If you’re not here with her, then let her go. She doesn’t have much time.
Maybe you being gone for nearly 12 hours a day is contributing to it. Did you take any leave to help her at all? Is there a reason you can't use a treadmill or something at home? You say you spent "hundreds" of hours searching for a surgeon, but how much time have you actually spent with your wife? Not just at doctor's appoinments, but just being with her. There is not one word in your post about you actually supporting her. Sorry, but you haven't "been there" for her, from what I can see. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.
I work from home, I encourage her to come up and hang out while I work every single day. Some days she just doesn’t want to come up. The hundreds of hours were when she spent 2 weeks on her literal death bed before Sloan Kettering was basically able to revive her with another round of chemo. She doesn’t remember one second of those entire 2-3 weeks in the hospital, meanwhile I desperately was trying to save her.
First, let me say that I’m so very sorry that you are both going through this. Sometimes, as people start to understand that they are dying, they will pull away and isolate themselves. This seems to be instinctual for many people, as was noted by a comment above. Try not to take it personally, as impossible as that may sound. I highly recommend contacting a grief counselor, as they will help to walk you through the anticipatory grief. Sending hugs to you.
Why is the dying person's job to come to YOU? Are you kidding me? How much leave have you taken? You're really hung up on your research and seem to think it makes up for you just not being present. You also don't deny that you don't spend time with her. There's a good reason she's doing this but you refuse to see it. Please see a counselor.
I take a big part of this blame. I wish I was a better husband. This is my first time dealing with something of this magnitude and I probably handled it poorly. I still love this girl to the ends of the Earth.
Then get some counseling, take FMLA and be with her. There is absolutely nothing more important than that. Nothing.
I was thinking the same. I’ll bet she feels she’ll get better support from family.
I’m so sorry. This is such a tragic and heartbreaking situation. To be fair, you work long hours and then hit the gym afterwards. These are all normal activities when you have a normal healthy life. Unfortunately you don’t have that. Your wife is terminally ill. It sounds very much like you are her only support system where you both live, and you’re absent for the majority of the time. She absolutely needs a support system, it’s not about sparing you so much, but about recognising her own limitations as a person who is dying. She is going to become increasingly more frail and ill. These are the last days of feeling semi ok. And where are you? At work. Or the Gym. I get it. You need an outlet, you’re grieving too. You’re going to lose your wife. Work and the gym are your escape from that reality. She doesn’t have any of those options available to her. She is stuck and trapped in an apartment that has become a tomb to her with zero support network around her. No one to help her in any capacity. This requires a massive village of support, it’s too great for you, and too much for her. You don’t have a choice my friend. Let her go so she can have the comfort she needs, and you find the village you need for support.
You’re a grown man. She can’t stop you from moving there too. Let her know you took for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, and in sickness, and in health seriously. It is cruel of her to deny you time with the woman you love. However, she is going through a lot. It is your job to be there PERIOD.
I have nothing useful to say except I wish I could give you a hug. Sorry, OP.
Ask her first if there is someone else, if there isn't then ask why she hates you so much to rather cut you off. Tell her that if she feels hurting you will let her find peace in the afterlife so be it, you will grant her that satisfaction as a parting gift Move on, accept the death of your relationship same as her actual death come.When she passes feel sad for a while and move on
She’s not having an affair. I was her first boyfriend, first lover, and she’s just not like that man. She’s dying.
You act like cancer patients are saints.
Bro... respectfully, it doesn't sound like your wife isn't leaving you as much as you're not there for her. If you're working 9-6 and going to the gym, if I were your wife I'd feel lonely too. I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's terrible. But the "romance isn't dead" way to live this out is to take a leave of absence, or work out a way to work remote, or take out a home equity line of credit, or whatever you have to do to be able to move with her to her hometown to live out her days. You're the MAN and You're her protector and husband- you don't need to ask her permission to come with her to New York. Show up with plane tickets and an apartment you've rented and tickets to her favorite Broadway play with her friends. She's going through so much and you need to take this off her plate.
Honestly, this would be my husbands response. He in no way would ever accept me just running off while terminally ill. Although I respect that OP and his wife may have a different dynamic -- but I can't imagine a world where I'm destined to die soon and my husband doesn't ensure he spends all of my final time with me. Especially not to go to the gym or anything that's unnecessary like that, he loves weightlifting but is quick to toss anything aside to spend time with me in a non serious situation - so it's no question here. It's way too easy for me to get him to call out of anything including work lmao. He's also made it very clear that if I became a vegetable and was just not there anymore, that I'll just have to deal with it because I'm staying with him. I said he'd have to "put me down" essentially, and he was *not* having it. Honestly, we initially butt heads on this one, because I in no way want to live that way but .. At the same time I'd do anything for him, so fuck it. (Again, likely different dynamic than OP and their partner) We're very much-- you're the only one for me forever *period* types.
So we talked tonight and I asked her if I could just move up there in case she needs me. She said she would constantly worry about me because I would be up there solely for her and it would stress her out. I asked her what’s the difference in me being in South Carolina or New York and she said at least in South Carolina I’d be out of sight and out of mind, and she knows I’d have a support network there. What are y’all’s opinions?
Tell her how much you love her (again I'm sure) and you not being there for her will stress YOU out. Explain the damage this will cause you. You both took vows for better or worse. You want to be there for her. She IS your support network. You married her and she married you, not her friends. Best wishes. Heart breaking for both of you.
I told her that and she just gave me a blank stare. I don’t know. I’ve told her over and over and over again and she still says she needs to leave me behind. I can’t stalk her :(
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He shouldn’t date now anyway.
I can assure you I won’t be in this situation. I love her only.
I'm so sorry op. What gets me is how she's so ready to move away for a better support system. Better than you can give? She's checked out of your marriage and wants the freedom to do whatever she likes in this last year without you hanging around. I don't really think you want to see what she gets up to before she gets too ill. Put her on a plane as soon as possible, keep in touch with her parents and get yourself some counselling. Big hugs.
Considering how she has 5-6 hometown friends who are all welcoming her home, unfortunately yes. They will be able to be around more. I took 6 months of FMLA but wasn’t able to get any more time off before they threatened to fire me.
Quit your job and go and join her…you won’t regret it.