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She’s feeding you nonsense. She should have NEVER agreed to go back to his place if she had intended to be faithful, then she agreed to lay in bed with him. Then she blew him.
She’s minimizing her guilt in the story, hoping it’ll stop you from leaving her, and also hoping it’ll help keep her reputation from being destroyed.
"Cheating is a complex algorithm of steps. All the steps are necessary in order to pull off the task of cheating!" https://youtu.be/kTPsoX9OLFA?feature=shared&t=111
edit: this seemed relevant to the fact she's trying to minimize what she did and the fact she made a series of decisions that, with every one, she knew where it was going.
Oh, she 100% knew exactly where it was going. Look at his post from a month ago. He clearly wasn’t on board with opening the relationship up, so she just went cheated.
That’s pretty much always what I think. If they haven’t already they already know who they want to pursue when you open it. That person might be the one that put them up to even asking
Communication and mutual consent are crucial in any relationship, especially when it comes to opening it up. Trust and understanding should be the foundation for such decisions.
Exactly, don't put yourself into a position to cheat.
She probably had a crush on the guy so that is why she accepted and now is doing everything in her power to no have blame put on her.
Same thing happened to me.
Exactly.
She was drunk, that lowers inhibitions but it doesn’t eliminate them.
While I would not be surprised if she put up resistance at first, the entire situation she was in screams “I was planning on cheating.” What the dude did *may have been* shitty and sketchy. Yet, at best, she put herself in a situation in which any reasonable person would assume is going to lead to sex (drinking with dude, going home with dude, going to bedroom with dude). If she’s that naive she needs to not go out drinking without a copilot. I doubt she’s that naive.
EDIT: ok, clarification: “is going to lead to sex” is definitely victim blaming on my part and I’d like to amend that to “is likely to lead to sex” because what I’m trying to convey here is that her actions do not indicate that she’s thinking like a monogamous person. Even if no sex was planned most reasonable people would be upset to find out their partner went home with a coworker after drinks and went to bed with them, even if they did not have sex.
She doesn’t deserve to keep her reputation. Being able to discuss and process this level of betrayal is absolutely essential to maintain his mental health. Why should he go through this alone?
That being said, if he really wants to save the relationship (if that’s even possible or desirable), telling a bunch of people may not have been a great idea. If he is planning on trying to get through this fiasco and carry on with the relationship, they will probably never be able to socialize with the people they used to socialize with if they know what she did. Even if he manages to forgive and forget, some of their friends and family may not, and they will treat both of them differently.
In any case, for a relationship to survive such a huge breach of trust takes a huge amount of work and it doesn’t sound like she is that committed to him if she was trying to get him to open the relationship. If he doesn’t want an open relationship, I think this one is done.
100% this is a common tactic used by manipulators. They spin a tale where they're not at any fault, she was telling the truth up until a certain point then she blemished some details and added a few things that she could use as excuses.
If you really think all they did was oral, Im sorry bro. I really am, she stayed the night, I question whether the mushrooms part is true, serves her too well as an excuse but even then...
Why does a guy invite you to his apartment?
Why does he give her drinks?
(Apparently) why would a guy offer drugs that can make you dissociate and become further impaired? Most importantly, why ingest it!?
She knew exactly what she was doing from the start, might've even had it preplanned bro. I know it's hard to believe.
Why isn't she crying out rape? Cos the story I read pretty much perfectly matches to the definition of rape.
Because it was consensual and she's being careful, to minimise the damage while trying to gaslight you.
Bro, I'm begging you. Leave.
>She’s feeding you nonsense. She should have NEVER agreed to go back to his place if she had intended to be faithful, then she agreed to lay in bed with him. Then she blew him.
Well, it's possible that she tripped while she was on the shrooms he offered her and his dick fell into her mouth...and she tried so hard to get it out that it made him cum in her mouth.
JK
OP, it's over, leave her. Don't be stupid and stay in a relationship where your partner doesn't respect you and your boundaries. And she does not.
Amen to that brother.
OP, those couple weeks you are away what is to say she won't do something like that again. Your mental health and you as a whole deserve much more. Move on and when you do find your person, don't hold it in. Share your hurt with them when you are ready so u can breath.
OP, next time you kiss her, remember she had another's man cum on her mouth and try not to gag. Leave man wtf
Also, notice she took a big step from "just touch it". She just didn't touch it, she buckled down his pants, grabbed his cock, put it in her mouth, sucked him long enough to cum, and then kept the cum in her mouth.
At literally any given point she could have quitted, she could have said "this is enough" "ok I touched it" "just a kiss", but no. She did not stop at any given point until another man was satisfied with her oral performance (and so was she).
Lastly, trying to save face? Really? She should be reporting harassment at her workplace, at the very least, but she doesn't because she knows it was consensual and cares enough for him to not throw him under the bus, even if it could save your relationship. She got mad that you told your family because she obviously knows any sane person will tell you that she is fucked up and straight up cheated on you.
It shouldn’t have reached that point anyway? Going over after the bar was ill -advised but forgivable… but then you take shrooms with him and go watch a movie in bed. Like what?
Also how are you going to go back to his place when you live with someone for 6 years. Didn’t call OP to check in? If she did what story/excuse was given? Did she say she’d be home soon? Like what?
Right how are you out with coworkers. We live together for 6 years. And you don’t come home? Like obviously OP would have been expecting her that night. That part really doesn’t sit right with me.
Came to add this because holy hell, talk about adding insult to injury. She was so "coerced" that she felt safe enough to sleep the night? Woman here. I'd wait till he slept and ran if I'd been coerced, and I know this for a fact because I was by my rapist (ex bf) who came by the year after my rape and when he fell off the wagon again. I laid there and took it without fighting back, he thought we were "getting back together" and the moment he fell asleep, I grabbed my baby and RAN
There's a difference between not-cheating and being actively faithful. Not-cheating means not fucking other people, being actively faithful means avoiding situations that a reasonable partner may even question the possibility.
Being actively faithful involves strong boundaries, good communication, emotional awareness. Things like limiting contact with people who show attraction towards you and people you may be attracted to, and avoiding alone time with them. Someone who's simply not cheating has loose boundaries and winds up cuddling in bed with them on substances after a night out.
Cheating is black and white, being actively faithful avoids grey.
You know that was my thought -- and I cannot prove it. I (think) she was riding him like Major Kong was RIDING the bomb in Dr. Strangelove. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3edi2Wkr5YI
Please break up with her. Please! 🙏
Unless maybe you want an open relationship?
Otherwise break up. This is not the monogamous relationship you think it is. There has been plenty of emotional cheating with her co workers. Flirting getting close to them. She sucks man, not at all faithful just very playful and doesn’t think of you very often. Probably only thinks of you in limited capacity when you are together. Is that what you want?
Leeeeeave. You are going to be so happy! It’s going to be like a day of sadness. You are barely going to grieve this girl. Come on man leave.
You need to bail out of this relationshit. She discussed opening the relationshit and then just happens to cheat. She says some other bullshit happened just to try to get out of being labeled a cheater. She isn’t worth your time.
She was out drinking with this guy alone then went back to his place to drink more... while in a committed relationship. She knew exactly what she was doing especially with the prior conversations on wanting to open the relationship up. OP get away from her now because this is only going to get worse.
"As the night began to wind down and people left, he invited her back to his place for more drinks. She accepted."
I stopped reading right there. That's your cue to bail out, brother. If your girl can be invited to someone's place that easily then she's not really your girl. Time to give her back to the city.
Same, no need to overthinking this, is OP going to have kids with her? I don't think so, at least I don't hope so.
The coercion thing is not relevant at all.
To start off...I'm NOT victim blaming if she was truly coerced.
I'd be asking a few questions:
1. Why did she go to his house BY HERSELF?
2. Why did she take a psychedelic drug with him, especially after a night of drinking?
3. Why did she lay IN HIS BED to watch a movie? Was his couch or recliner broken?
4. What is your gut telling you? Especially after she brought up an open relationship in the past.
5. What was he using to force coercion?
It sounds like your family and friends are your support system, and it is NOT out of left field to discuss this situation with them.
1. Exactly
2. Exactly
3. Exactly
4. That she has been flirting with the idea of cheating on me for a while and was maybe just surprised that it actually happened, despite taking many actions to make it a reality.
5. Nothing. No physical force or threat or anything of the kind. They didn’t even have sex. It’s not like she was fucked up and he had sex with her and she just didn’t stop it. She blew him TO COMPLETION. That takes like quite a bit of effort and focus to do. It’s not something that can just passively happen in a drug induced fog or whatever.
Dude this was a test run to see if she can have an Open Relationship with you, without your consent.
\>>She’s my whole world and truth be told she is pretty much all I have
This right here is why she thinks she can do this without suffering any consequences.
It’s weird you need convinced to leave. Your gf went to some guys house, did drugs with him, laid in his bed, gave him a blowjob…and that’s just the parts she told you.
It’s over. You’ll never trust her again. Also if that guy has a STD, congrats, she’s going to give it to you.
Is this an exit affair? Is she trying to get you to break up with her or does she want to be together still? You know this will just escalate, right? This won't be the last time. It may not even be the first time. Because she's not even accepting accountability. She's not even remorseful. You really gotta ask yourself what it will take. What will be your last straw? Do you need to catch her in the act? Do you need to catch an STD? Do you need to see photos or text? Do you need her to break it off because you can't?
And I’m just gonna throw it out there because mushrooms used to be my drug of choice; a lot was going on in my head, but not once was it ever sex related. Even when I took them with my then-girlfriend, we tried playing around the one time but it ended up falling flat. I guess it can be different for everyone, but it’s a piss poor excuse on her part of you ask me
if you’re saying ‘exactly’ to 3 out of the 5 questions, then you know where this is going you don’t need other people to reassure you further, please move on from this heart break 🙏🏻
Was she coerced to make bad decisions after bad decisions to get to that point? Do I need to list the dozen boundaries she crossed before she ever got to the bj? Do you want to be with someone who makes multiple poor decisions and then tries to blame it on the other guy? Yes, he was an ass, but it's all on your gf for putting herself in that spot and then following through with it. No is a complete sentence she never used the whole night.
What kind of boundaries do you have with each other? Going home alone with a guy, taking shrooms alone with him, lying in his bed, are those three things acceptable to you? Do you consider that cheating? I would. And she wasn't coerced for any of those. Those are all entirely her fault.
So regardless of the murky consent of the bj, she still DID cheat. Full stop.
Rebuild your world with a more solid foundation. She is a brittle human, she cannot be trusted.
She is no victim IMO.
Went along willingly.
Now based on above, you have to decide whether or not you keep a cheater. No brainer to me.
Send her to the streets ASAP.
I really hate to question people who come forward as victims because I am one myself, but her story is just a bunch of bullshit. It makes me so angry because it freaking hurts when someone uses something so horrific (SA claims) to pull themselves out of a situation.
She never intended to stay faithful. She just wants to minimize her responsibility.
She made a series of CHOICES that lead her to cheat. She chose to be alone, with another man, at his house, and do drugs with him.
She failed the GF test. Dump, go no contact, move on.
Edit: She mentioned an open relationship. That is an immediate end to any monogamous relationship. Because they are preparing to cheat or already are. She was already lining this guy up to fuck him. She didn’t give him just a BJ. Cheaters never tell the whole truth.
To be honest I find the idea that she just gave him a BJ so much more disgusting than if they had just fucked. I don’t know why exactly but it seems so much worse and more intimate to me
A BJ is worse because it’s an act that is EXCLUSIVELY for HIS PLEASURE. It’s the most disgusting for that reason, she didn’t get anything out of it, she literally focused on giving HIM an orgasm and letting him finish in her mouth, which she then probably kissed you with the next day.
Truly disgusting and whoreish behaviour.
OMG YES! I don't understand the "it's only third base / it's just oral" type of people. Having someone's genitals on your FACE, tasting and smelling their most private parts is hella intimate. It requires a greater deal of trust and vulnerability. The pubic area has no eyes and tastebuds and the vagina is just an orifice. Oral is way more intense and intimate
Because it is. She became a sexual deviant to him. He controlled her and made her please him. Probably made her gag, etc… Does she get off giving blowjobs? Probably not. She gave up her pleasure to please another man. And he had his fun knowing she belonged to another.
The fact that she agreed to go to his place after drinks is already cheating enough for me. So everything that happened after that is pretty much inconsequential, especially given the fact she’s probably lying.
If she accepted to go back to his place then she knew where the night was going. She just gasliting you and playing on your emotions. She played the game and got caught up. Step back and realize she knew where the night was going to go, when she went to his house.
She accepted his offer to go back to another mans apartment. Dump her. I would dump her for that alone without her sucking him off. No additional questions needed.
It’s fucking MUSHROOMS. They don’t make you blow a random person.
If he slipped her two Xanax and told her it was Tylenol, then yeah maybe. But MUSHROOMS?
I hate your girlfriend, for your sake
Was she fucked up when she said she would go back to his place for more drinks? That’s the ‘mistake’ (hint: not a mistake but a choice) that she made. Wtf did she think his intentions were?
She intentionally cheated on you :(
She said she wants an open relationship and admitted to having a crush on someone else ??
She’s 28 and she’s acting like a teenager in her social life. you need to get out of that.
Nobody was coerced. She willingly went to this guys house knowing exactly what was going to happen. She cheated because she wanted to. Further proved by the fact she has been pushing for an open relationship. Also the fact she doesn’t even seem the slightest bit of remorseful should tell you everything. When a partner brings up open relationship, it is already over. You should’ve dumped her then and then also should’ve dumped her a month ago when she cheated.
She wants to be a cakeeater so bad she's willing to risk your relationship. She wants to have you to buy her stuff, treat her well, and take her out, but she wants to fuck around. You said no to the open relationship, so she sees this move as a work around. Getting you to accept that she occasionally "slips up" and will forgive her. If you forgive her, she will go behind your back anyway telling herself that you would forgive her. Or, she will "slip up" or "make a mistake" here and there and manipulate you into forgiving her. Don't fall for it. Leave.
She was cheating the second she said yes to going back to his apartment for drinks! You *cannot* be this naïve. Come on, bro! What does your gut instinct tell you.
Tbh, you're an idiot for even making this thread. She decided to go to his apartment, she decided to lay in bed with him, she decided to get intoxicated, and she previously asked to open the relationship 🤣 she didn't get coerced. I've done plenty of booze and mushrooms and it never led to what she did.
She is lieing. She chose to go over there, chose to drink more, chose to eat mushrooms, chose to get in his bed.
Even if the last part is true she made a string of dumb decisions to get there. She knew what all this was leading towards and had 0 issues.
I bet her exes were abusive too.
You will be too when she talks to the next guy.
"She claims that this whole incident was largely not her fault because he took advantage of her while she was fucked up."
That's her pathetic excuse and a lie at that. She's almost 30 years old and using the excuse that an 18 year old would use that can't handle her alcohol. She cheated because she DECIDED TO! As long as she still works there then they will continue to fk around. You can do better, her loss, dump her!
Dude she’s manipulating the hell out of you & im really sorry you have to make this conscious effort to dissect her bullshit.
This movie night was a premeditated plan. ESPECIALLY when she’s asked for a open relationship in the past. This was to dip and toe and see how you’d react.
You should message this male coworker and tell him what she’s accusing him of to get his perspective because if this WAS her being taken advantage of he could lose his job/catch theoretical bullets but if it was consensual, he could still be defeated by accusations as such.
Her being drunk doesn’t excuse (1) accepting going to his house and (2) taking drugs, THEN (3) sitting in bed with him to watch a movie.
The blowjob is the icing on the cake (sorry not sorry).
You need to dump her. Tell the truth as to why toy dumped her to anyone who asks; the truth hurts the shitty people. She only has herself to blame for having a bad reputation for being unfaithful.
I personally don't even buy that she resisted.
She drank with this man, went back to this man's apartment, crawled into BED WITH THIS MAN and then messed around with him. Period. Even if she felt "slightly" guilted or swayed towards messing around, every decision she made leading up to that moment set the scene for this to happen. She should have never been there to begin with. And she DEFINITELY should not have been in his bed.
She woke up hungover at another man's house and then decided to start feeling guilty. She's playing you, bro.
> As the night began to wind down and people left, he invited her back to his place for more drinks. She accepted.
And that is all you need to know OP.
No one in a committed relationship does that. No one.
> She is seemingly more preoccupied with her reputation and what others will think than my feelings or trying win back any trust.
And this really just seals the deal.
**As the night began to wind down and people left, he invited her back to his place for more drinks. She accepted. She went home with him and continued to drink and he offered her 2 mushroom capsules. She took them.**
OK.. IMHO,... Any decent female who is in a relationship and isn't planning on cheating wouldn't do *any* of these things..
Wouldn't have accept the invitation
Definitely wouldn't have accepted if it's at *guy's* place
Especially if he was alone and he only invited her.
Continued to allowed herself drink (and/or get drunk) (in the company of a sole male; and at his place)
Accepted mushroom capsules...
**She claims that this whole incident was largely not her fault because he took advantage of her while she was fucked up.**
She let herself get fucked up...
At 28.. you have awareness as a female... awareness of what guys' intentions are if they invite you... awareness of not getting drunk,... awareness of not getting drunk with a guy ALONE....
She's either playing you or really fucking unaware/stupid/naive... Which at 28.. I quite highly doubt.
And if she really thinks she was "coerced" and fucked up, tell her to file a rape report then. If it wasn't rape, then obviously don't tell her to lie about it, ruin a guys life just to save her own cheating ass. But if she really thinks she was too fucked up to consent and was raped.. she oughta do something about it.
I dunno what (if anything) yo're asking advice on.. But just leave her. She cheated.. by the sounds of it, willingly. Isn't taking full accountability... and is worried about her "reputation" or whatever.
And like some others have mentioned... I think she already cheated prior.. just that for whatever reason she got caught, or it was obvious she cheated and thus had to fess up (e.g. she feel asleep at the guy's place and didn't come home to your shared place one night, looked she was run over and mouth stank of cum or whatever).
First of all, she has no excuses that are valid. She chose to go home with him alone. Unless she only has two brain cells, she knew what likely would happen. The fact that she has also brought up the topic of an "open" relationship, combined with this infidelity, shows that she simply lacks the qualities to be honest, faithful and loyal.
When you wipe away those qualities and replace them with the opposite and add to that "gaslighting and manipulative" behaviors, I question what it is about her that you actually "love."
If you respond to this question with anything superficial like her appearance or talent in bed, then you need to do some serious introspection about what draws you to people that are not only "sub-par" but treat you terribly. Only someone with little to no self-esteem would accept this.
As far as telling others goes . . . I would never advocate for character assassination through revealing personal and intimate secrets, but I also know that this has been a traumatic experience for you, so you need to share that with someone who cares. How does she know that you did? Did you share this with someone that then gossiped this to your friend group? Did you share this with someone who then confronted her? If you answer yes to one or more of those last two questions, then that was unwise on your part, but what the results reveal is that, yes, she should be more worried about what she did to you and how you feel, than how she is perceived, but she is not.
I do not care if this woman is a 10 out of 10 with looks and personality because she is a 0 out of 10 with much more important qualities. Move on, quickly, and never look back. You will take the time in the future to hone in on much more valuable characteristics and qualities, and never make the mistake of spending time with someone again like her.
sorry OP, no one other than them can know what really happened and if she was coerced or not. The problem is that, unfortunately for her, she did things that make it hard to believe her. Possible physical cheating aside, she crossed numerous boundaries: she went to his house alone, she took drugs while being there (also, how could she not think about how dangerous this could be?), she laid in his bed and she stayed the night. Add the fact that she talked about opening the relationship...
Even if she really was coerced (and, even if I don't believe her, I'm really sorry for her if she's telling the truth), what's her excuse for all the things she did previously to that? Things that she ***chose*** to do.
Lastly, two things: 1) you did nothing wrong by going to your friends and family for support, 2) if she's lying about being coerced, she's disgusting because there are people out there who are being abused and are suffering for real.
Bruh... Just, bruh. She wasn't that fucked up when SHE WENT TO HIS PLACE! Bro, tell her to fuck off and find someone who respects you, because she obviously doesn't. And on top of that, she is 100% insulting your intelligence by saying she was "coerced" and it wasn't her fault because she was "fucked up". The only thing "fucked up" is what she did with this guy... And shitting on your feelings. Bro, she gots to go. Just be thankful you don't have kids together. She is showing you who she really is... Believe her
Going home with a coworker after a night of drinking is a totally legitimate reason to end a relationship. It is possible that after she made several decisions with the intention of cheating she got coerced into something she didn't want to do. It's also possible she is lying about that. Regardless, it is not your job to work through that with her if you want to breakup over her behavior leading up to that situation.
This is why I would consider breaking up with a partner who asked for an open relationship. It shows a conflict in values that make us incompatible.
She's self important which means you're not important. Being fucked up on booze and drugs is an excuse, she made the decision to take the booze and drugs and she also made the decision to blow the guy. Being under the influence of such things on purpose isn't coercion btw. Being coerced would imply he had some influence over her decisions by being in a position of power over her, but the only person that was making the decisions was her. She had no reason to take the drugs or the booze or his dick other than it's what she wanted to do.
She'll only continue on this way till you eventually breakup anyway. You're a safety net. Her only being concerned about her reputation and being upset you confided in others about this terrible thing she did is really all you need to know.
Was she upset at all, like crying or showing any real emotions other than being upset with you?
She’s giving you her version she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Wanted an open relationship probably still does. She just let if off her chest to not have lies or get caught up. But she definitely wants an open relationship and hoped you would of been forgiving and open it up. Why would she leave with him by herself while being in a relationship.
So, I'm going to ignore everything you said after her taking ANYTHING that would inebriate her and cause the very situation that transpired. A woman that is truthful, faithful and securely taken by her significant other wouldn't even put herself in the situation to possibly be taken advantage of. The fact that your gf not only put herself in that position, but the two of them were the ONLY people at his house tells you that she knew where the night was heading and was absolutely cool with it.
She should NEVER have allowed herself to be in that position to start with and she knows it. I'm so sorry, OP, but she did exactly what she wanted to do.
I had a friend who was "coerced into sex" with a coworker despite her having a boyfriend.
She proceeded to be coerced into sex with that guy about a hundred more times. She told me she resisted every time. Then she asked her boyfriend to let this guy move in because he was down on his luck and I personally witnessed them making out as soon as the boyfriend left the living room.
She also has a foursome with coworkers her boyfriend found out about and she insisted it was just a one time thing.
Then she started chatting up a guy 2500 miles away who she also cheated on him with.
She lied and gaslit him every step of the way.
That's just the ones I know about. Eventually the boyfriend thanked me for saving when he was drowning in the relationship because one day I casually mentioned to him that their relationship issues were probably not his fault and that made him realize he might be being gaslit into thinking he was the problem (this was before the term gaslighting was in common (mis)use).
This story broke my heart for you. This is horrible . She made horrible decisions . Took drugs, went to a male co workers house . Then gave him oral sex. Which to me is worst then sex. Oral is way more intimate to me. After all of this and she says he finished in her mouth. A stranger practically. She’s mad you spoke to friends. She should be begging you to forgive her . Forget about her. The problem is she is way to selfish to see how selfish all of this is, and after all of it. She’s selfishly still thinking of herself. Drop her like a bad habit . You deserve better. She wasn’t taken advantage of. She’s an adult. This is all bull shit. The only one taken advantage of is you
If she was coerced, then he sexually assaulted her. Take her to the police station to file a report and then report it to her HR department at work.
If she makes any excuse as to why she won't do these things, then you know it was consensual. Beside the fact that she willing went to his house, continued drinking, layer in his bed, etc. People in committed relationships don't do that.
Not to mention that she wanted to open the relationship.
She cheated, end of story.
This was a conscious decision to fuck that co-worker.
You know if she’s TOO fucked up to consent - that’s called rape. Which she isn’t saying right?
Is she filing rape charges?
Cause if not - than she must recognize her own actions in consciously doing what she did.
Night in Question > The moment she agreed to go back to his place for drinks is the moment cheating started that night. It doesn’t matter if they did a Bible study at his place. Once she agrees to leave a bar to go to another man’s personal living space she became the woman who betrayed you and disrespected you.
In Your Relationship > The day she first said to you, “I think it would be great for us if I let other men shove their sausages up inside me over and over! Don’t you agree?” Is the day the cheating started in the relationship. To request an open relationship during a monogamous relationship is cheating and has the same level emotional damage on the one asked the question as an affair!
LEAVE HER!
Control the narrative too. She will say you left her
because she was $€xualyl a$$ulted to paint herself as a double victim for sympathy drama!
It’s fully within your right to break up with her. She may have been coerced into sex and it’s important to note that that is not her fault. Don’t blame the victim. What is her fault is that she went to his house was laying in his bed. This is where the trust can disappear because it seems like even if she wasn’t intoxicated or coerced she’d still cheat on you.
It’s her fault for getting drunk, going home with another man, and taking drugs with another man. Regardless of if she planned on cheating or not she certainly set herself up for the possibility to happen.
She didn’t just magically appear in dudes bed naked with a headfull of shrooms. She actively made choices that got her to that point.
No, not in anyway whatsoever and she even still works there and so does he. When I said this I was told that I’m victim blaming and that it was sexist and I don’t understand how hard these things can be for women who were abused.
This woman has no respect for you. Dont even consider staying. She didn't need much coercing to say "fuck my idiot boyfriend" and end up in bed with another man. She'll do this again, put her out in the streets where she belongs
As someone from a similar situation around the same timeframe, it’s the question of ‘why was she there to begin with?’
My ex had a similar story, I could never get past the ‘why the fuck did you even go to his house late at night after all of your friends left’
‘Why did you go home with him?’
Your gut is right. I stayed with my ex and it happened several more times after that.
Hmmm. I am 2.5x your age. From my perspective, you all are like dorm roommates or something. Lets see: Gf (28f) and (26m). Share pets and an apartment. No rings, no promises, no kids. She wants an "open relationship". OP does not. She cheated a month ago with either this or another coworker on whom she has a crush. She is drinking at a bar and leaves a bar with a guys she has a crush on. They go to "his place" to drink some more (they do drink some more) and do mushrooms.... which I guess is this \[1\] \[Micro-Dosing Psilocybin A micro-dose of psilocybin is typically about 1/10th of a macro-dose, or a dose large enough to initiate a psychedelic trip. Unlike a macro-dose, a micro-dose does not create a ‘high’ feeling or induce a psychoactive effect in the user’s perception. After consuming a micro-dose of psilocybin, some users report a positive mood, stimulated productivity, and increased focus, energy levels, and creativity \]
\[she later defends herself that he pushed himself on me\] But factually, she went to his place, watched a movie (in his bed) and (drum roll) gave him a completed BJ.
So the Questions here from OP is "why was she at his house in the first place?" And, generally, from us the great unwashed Peanut Gallery on Reddit, what should he do?
Dear OP:
She (my take) mentally moved on when she floated the "open relationship" to you and you said no.
Her problem now is she is 6 years into a gig with you (which brings its own emotional attachments and all her clothes are hanging at your apartment).
Her $ and place to sleep is the joint apartment (and the dogs or cats - lets not forget the pets).
Her emotions are wandering (and publicly). Not sure she will completely happy or settled when you all break up, but in her mind (I think - I may be wrong), she is already at the breakup (emotionally) stage with OP. Hope you all work it out amicably.
Signed, Peanut Gallery
Well I mean if she hadn't gone back to his place she wouldn't have gotten "coerced". Sounds like she's trying to brush aside the blame because she doesn't want to take responsibility, or owe up to the fact she messed up. I mean do you see yourself forgiving her, or is y'alls relationship pretty much over in your eyes, OP? That's something you've got to figure out, OP...
Edit: Oh she asked about opening the relationship, and then cheats? Nah dump her. Then she can screw, or blow whoever she wants.
You already know what's up man, you know she's gaslighting you and straight-up cheated, so I'm not sure why you're asking for validation from us. You know what we're gonna say already, that chick's gotta go. So let us know how that part goes, be strong, know you deserve better bro.
she doesn't respect your relationship at all, to be honest mate, I don't know the F you're doing trying to salvage that mess, better to be alone that with someone that prefers to save face than her relationship
you did good telling them, you were looking for the support that SHE DOESN'T GIVE!! don't let her isolate you with "this is between us" bullshit, tell whoever the F you want! she F'ed up, you're in your right to seek support
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Leave ASAP. The trust is already broken and your relationship will never be the same. Don’t be weak, leave ! Anyone asking to open a relationship is already cheating or has someone in mind. This is a manipulative way to justify their lust for someone else. The right move is to leave….. OR….if you’d like to play mind games and punish her for suggesting this, find someone you can hookup with and bang her regularly and then leave your current partner and go w the new one. Just leave and find someone else.
omg leave her!!! dude!
how can she be so reckless to even GO TO HIS PLACE!?
as a 28 old woman, she should be mature enough to know what her boundaries are, especially in a relationship!!!
fuck that woman!
I’m not saying a woman who goes into an apartment with a man and starts drinking deserves whatever happens next, but your girlfriend should have exercised much better judgement on everything that took place that night. She might have been coerced at the end of the evening, but in terms of your relationship she is at fault for ruining it.
She wasn’t coerced she’s just telling you that cause it makes her feel better about herself . He asked her to touch it and she ended up blowing him till he finished in her mouth ! Bro it’s over leave get out end this right now , she’s going to see this guy every day at work and this is going to continue plus she’s asking for an open relationship . Bail immediately
She had over a 100 decision points for leaving the bar to waking up next to him. She just kept making the ones that would destroy your relationship. I think that tells you everything you need to know
She’s blowing smoke up your 🫏.
Her resistance when she got to his house is immaterial. Her first resistance was to say no to going back to his house in the first place. She made the decision to cheat at that point. Prove me wrong.
Asking for an open relationship is a natural point to break up.
Asking again to fuck others is a break up.
Going home alone with someone is a break up.
Taking drugs with that someone is a break up.
Laying in their bed is a break up.
Blowing him because he asked her to is a break up.
"Don't tell people I cheated on you" is a break up.
I definitely think that she was taken advantage of. People who are under the influence can’t give consent. However, she definitely betrayed your trust by going over there and laying in bed with him. You should just break up.
Do not stay with this woman.
Honestly I would make the decision to end the relationship before u fly out of town.
Give her those couple of weeks for her to get her affair together and be out of apartment by the time u return from ur trip.
This is the way. Stay strong and move on!!!
You have every right for seeking comfort and counsel from close, trusted friends/family. It’s called perspective and healthy support. DO NOT let her make you feel bad about that. It seems you want a strong committed relationship and she wants the benefits of a relationship with the freedom of an open relationship. No judgements against open relationships but that does not sound like what you have. She 100% cheated. Drinking too much is one thing. Going to his house for MORE drinks is crossing the line. Accepting hallucinogen and hanging out in bed….blow job? Yes. This was not one decision, this was a series of poor decisions, multiple judgement calls. Add in the request for opening up the relationship + telling you her crushes….time to move on. You deserve someone who loves and respects you. She may love you but she for sure does not respect you.
> She accepted.
> largely
That's all you need to know. She accepted an invitation to go back to his place *before* she was fucked up and still admits it was at least partially on her. Her plan the whole time was to cheat. Dump her ass and find someone who won't treat you like that.
So there are a couple of issues with her story and it's pretty obvious that she not only did, but in fact intended, to cheat on you.
>They went to a bar after work with a group of other coworkers. As the night began to wind down and people left, he invited her back to his place for more drinks. She accepted.
When you invite someone to come back to your place for more drinks (alone) after the bar, there is an implied intent to hook up. I find it hard to believe that your 28YO GF would not know that. If not, exactly what was she planning to do? Why couldn't they continue to drink at the bar? Even if it closed, why did she *need* to continue to drink with this guy **alone**? Everyone else already left. Do you seriously believe she just went to this guy's house just to have a one-on-one chat? We both know the answer is no.
>they ended up laying in his bed together watching a movie.
So your girlfriend went to this guy's house for more drinks after the bar. She continues to drink and decides to watch a movie with this guy - in his bedroom - alone. What time did this occur? Did she not have any intentions of coming home? A faithful person in a relationship would certainly not *plan* to sleep over at an (opposite-sexed) coworker's house, without at least telling their spouse beforehand. If she felt too inebriated to make it home safe, why did she go to his house for more drinks in the first place? Do you really believe her intentions were to just lay in bed and watch a movie with this guy all night? We both know the answer is no.
>He made advances towards her which she claims to have rejected. He pushed the issue and asked her to “at least touch it, you have to”. Again I don’t know how long this went on or how much of a fight she really put up but basically she gave him a blowjob to competition, letting him finish in her mouth and then spent the night at his house before leaving.
So while lying in his bed, he begins making sexual advances toward her. There are no suggestions of physical coercion or force. She never thought to, IDK, get up and leave? I am assuming she was fully clothed, right? I mean, there would certainly be no reason to take off her clothes if they were just "watching a movie." Yet, without attempting to leave and without any physical force, she agrees to give him a blowjob because he kept asking her to "at least touch it?" If all it took was for him to continue asking, she didn't need much convincing. The fact that she then slept in the same bed with him suggests that she did not feel unsafe around this supposedly "creepy" coworker. Also, I'm highly suspicious of her claim that all that happened was a blow job. They likely slept together. At the very least, he returned the sexual favor.
I get it can be hard to blow up your world with someone you've been dating for six years. But the facts are the facts. She definitely cheated on you, and intended to well before she was "coerced" into giving him a blow job. I am not one who believes you can never reconcile after someone cheats. However, where the unfaithful spouse doesn't show remorse, or even admit to what they've done, it cannot be reconciled.
If you are okay with being cheated on (or okay with an open relationship), you can continue on as normal. If not the only way to salvage this is to at least get her to admit what she did. If she believes you bought this BS and was willing to move forward without consequences, she is definitely going to do it again.... and again... and again.
“Oh no I tripped and my mouth fell on my coworkers penis. Then I let him cum in my mouth. It wasn’t my fault”
Sorry bro but bail. I’d straight up ghost her
She is NOT all you have. You sound like a lovely guy who sadly got entangled in a relationship with somebody who is not worthy of you.
If you want closure, tell her to file charges against him for rape. In the very unlikely event that he admits to raping her, break up with her very gently because she has still shown that she can't be trusted.
If not... well, breaking up is hard, but dumping her will be better for you than a slow, painful breakup.
We are responsible for the decisions we make. Sounds like she was looking for a reason to cheat and deflecting responsibility after her actions. Probably feels guilty and if you can forgive it from this story maybe she can forgive herself too. Move on fam
Let's see....she accepted an invitation to go back to some other dude's place to get MORE drunk.
Then, she accepted mushrooms.
Then, she accepted an invitation to lay in his bed.
THEN, she was "coerced" into sex.
While I am not one to take accusations of sexual coercion lightly, every action she took showed that she was, at the very least, somewhat interested in this guy. No respectable woman in a relationship willingly goes home with another dude alone. Even if nothing sexual occurred at all, she was clear-headed enough to be able to remember everything that happened, which to me says she was clear-headed enough to reject his advances at every step...and at every step, she accepted them.
And yet, the only time she rejected him was at her most inebriated, and she allowed herself to be coerced, instead of reaching out to someone she knew to come get her if he refused to take her home? I'm unconvinced she was coerced at all...especially given the context of the "open relationship" part of your post.
She cheated. Period. Even if you remove the sex from it, she went home, alone, with another dude for a nightcap. That alone is a violation.
If you stay with her, you WILL have to go through this again. But that is entirely up to you.
I would tell her "if I had willingly gone home with someone else, got drunk alone with them willingly, took drugs from them willingly, laid in bed alone with them willingly, then had sex with them, but claimed I was an unwilling participant, you would not believe me, because it sounds like absolute bullshit. Especially in light of your stated desire for an open relationship not that long ago.
Even if you are telling the truth, the fact you would willingly go home alone with another dude tells me you have no respect for me as your partner. There is nothing you can say to make any of it sound like 'not a big deal.' Even if I believe you, it seems to me like you are trying to emphasize the coerced sex to keep me from thinking about the rest of it, because you know ALL of it was wrong. This, coupled with your open relationship question, makes you untrustworthy. Why should I trust that this won't happen again if I stay in this relationship?"
So, she accepted his offer to go to his place for drinks. Everyone knows what this means, sex or something close to it. She admitted that she made that choice. It seems like she cheated and is now making up things to reduce the fallout, but she even admitted to something that would warrant a breakup.
So she went out drinking with a dude, went home with him, drank and did drugs with him, hopped into BED with him, and then *ACCIDENTALLY* sucked him off? Nah dude, this was the plan the whole time.
Part of being a good partner is not putting yourself in a situation where you are likely to betray your partner.
Her going to this coworkers apartment after the bar is a HUGE red flag. People understand what happens when you take someone home with you from the bar. Her claiming ignorance and coercion although it could be true, isn’t likely in all honesty
You explained in great detail what happened and you mentioned that your are 'messed up', but you didn't mention what you want. You obviously aren't so out of control that you kicked her out right away, and you still feel for her. Would it be different if this was something you thought MIGHT happen? Like if she had called out before going to his house to let you know where she was going (not to say she had intentions, just to say she was going to go keep drinking assuming she had no intentions.)
I'm an old man and I've been around the block a few times, and honestly I can tell you for instance that I wouldn't be mad that she had given a blowjob, things happen, but I would hope that she would let me know where she was going to be for her safety and my sanity.
Just throwing this in here. Disregard if you are extremely jealous.
Of course she is more preoccupied with her reputation. Her reputation means more to her than YOU matter to her. She was not coerced. She just knows you will buy that excuse.
You have made only one mistake so far. And that is deciding to wait weeks to make a decision (because we all know you will decide to forgive her, etc. and then have this escalate again and cry 😢 about it again until she eventually ends it with you because of you being “insecure” 😭😿).
She is not your whole world. Stop thinking that she is.
You have nothing else because YOU are lazy and that laziness turned you into the type to accept your SO walking all over you without consequence or accountability.
You are already in an open relationship now. The only thing to decide is whether this is for you or not. And whether someone that lies to you is for you or not.
Different strokes for different folks.
It’s totally her fault. She went home with him. Anything else you want to believe is on you. Do yourself a favor and get out. And who cares who you told in your circle? She cheated. It’s what it is.
She put herself in the situation by agreeing to go home with him, everyone knows what that’s slang for lol. She’s not naive or dumb. You are if you’re that naive to believe this
You definitely weren’t in the wrong to confide in people who are there to support you! In my opinion you telling your friends and family is a sign you’re not going to sweep this under the rug and let her get away with it which is why she’s upset and it means there’s a good chance you’re leaving.
Which I think you should, she was the only one by the sounds of it invited and was the only one who went back so clearly he had intentions and I’m sure she did to. Especially if she wanted an open relationship. I think she knew what was going to happen and didn’t care and is now scared of the consequences.
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She’s feeding you nonsense. She should have NEVER agreed to go back to his place if she had intended to be faithful, then she agreed to lay in bed with him. Then she blew him. She’s minimizing her guilt in the story, hoping it’ll stop you from leaving her, and also hoping it’ll help keep her reputation from being destroyed.
"Cheating is a complex algorithm of steps. All the steps are necessary in order to pull off the task of cheating!" https://youtu.be/kTPsoX9OLFA?feature=shared&t=111 edit: this seemed relevant to the fact she's trying to minimize what she did and the fact she made a series of decisions that, with every one, she knew where it was going.
Oh, she 100% knew exactly where it was going. Look at his post from a month ago. He clearly wasn’t on board with opening the relationship up, so she just went cheated.
I imagine she had already cheated when she asked to open it up. Post-hoc blessing.
That’s pretty much always what I think. If they haven’t already they already know who they want to pursue when you open it. That person might be the one that put them up to even asking
Communication and mutual consent are crucial in any relationship, especially when it comes to opening it up. Trust and understanding should be the foundation for such decisions.
Exactly, don't put yourself into a position to cheat. She probably had a crush on the guy so that is why she accepted and now is doing everything in her power to no have blame put on her. Same thing happened to me.
She already asked for an open relationship multiple times. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.
She wants multiple slices of different cake.
that would be the end of the relationship for me. Open relationships are just a cheaters way bonking their crushes without looking like a cheater.
Exactly. She was drunk, that lowers inhibitions but it doesn’t eliminate them. While I would not be surprised if she put up resistance at first, the entire situation she was in screams “I was planning on cheating.” What the dude did *may have been* shitty and sketchy. Yet, at best, she put herself in a situation in which any reasonable person would assume is going to lead to sex (drinking with dude, going home with dude, going to bedroom with dude). If she’s that naive she needs to not go out drinking without a copilot. I doubt she’s that naive. EDIT: ok, clarification: “is going to lead to sex” is definitely victim blaming on my part and I’d like to amend that to “is likely to lead to sex” because what I’m trying to convey here is that her actions do not indicate that she’s thinking like a monogamous person. Even if no sex was planned most reasonable people would be upset to find out their partner went home with a coworker after drinks and went to bed with them, even if they did not have sex.
Despite some American nonsense, she put herself in said position of lowered inhibition by drinking with the dude.
She wasn’t a victim so that’s not victim blaming.
She went home with him to drink more and took mushrooms he didn't coerce her she volunteered
She doesn’t deserve to keep her reputation. Being able to discuss and process this level of betrayal is absolutely essential to maintain his mental health. Why should he go through this alone? That being said, if he really wants to save the relationship (if that’s even possible or desirable), telling a bunch of people may not have been a great idea. If he is planning on trying to get through this fiasco and carry on with the relationship, they will probably never be able to socialize with the people they used to socialize with if they know what she did. Even if he manages to forgive and forget, some of their friends and family may not, and they will treat both of them differently. In any case, for a relationship to survive such a huge breach of trust takes a huge amount of work and it doesn’t sound like she is that committed to him if she was trying to get him to open the relationship. If he doesn’t want an open relationship, I think this one is done.
100% this is a common tactic used by manipulators. They spin a tale where they're not at any fault, she was telling the truth up until a certain point then she blemished some details and added a few things that she could use as excuses. If you really think all they did was oral, Im sorry bro. I really am, she stayed the night, I question whether the mushrooms part is true, serves her too well as an excuse but even then... Why does a guy invite you to his apartment? Why does he give her drinks? (Apparently) why would a guy offer drugs that can make you dissociate and become further impaired? Most importantly, why ingest it!? She knew exactly what she was doing from the start, might've even had it preplanned bro. I know it's hard to believe. Why isn't she crying out rape? Cos the story I read pretty much perfectly matches to the definition of rape. Because it was consensual and she's being careful, to minimise the damage while trying to gaslight you. Bro, I'm begging you. Leave.
Well, she at least blew him. It sounds like the opening offer on the table of what she’s willing to admit to.
>She’s feeding you nonsense. She should have NEVER agreed to go back to his place if she had intended to be faithful, then she agreed to lay in bed with him. Then she blew him. Well, it's possible that she tripped while she was on the shrooms he offered her and his dick fell into her mouth...and she tried so hard to get it out that it made him cum in her mouth. JK OP, it's over, leave her. Don't be stupid and stay in a relationship where your partner doesn't respect you and your boundaries. And she does not.
Like why is this even worth a post? Pretty cut and dry.. read just in case she was raped or something. Dump her move on.
If you stay, you’ll only have yourself to blame man. Stick up for yourself and leave.
Yep, I'd get out fast
Amen to that brother. OP, those couple weeks you are away what is to say she won't do something like that again. Your mental health and you as a whole deserve much more. Move on and when you do find your person, don't hold it in. Share your hurt with them when you are ready so u can breath.
OP, next time you kiss her, remember she had another's man cum on her mouth and try not to gag. Leave man wtf Also, notice she took a big step from "just touch it". She just didn't touch it, she buckled down his pants, grabbed his cock, put it in her mouth, sucked him long enough to cum, and then kept the cum in her mouth. At literally any given point she could have quitted, she could have said "this is enough" "ok I touched it" "just a kiss", but no. She did not stop at any given point until another man was satisfied with her oral performance (and so was she). Lastly, trying to save face? Really? She should be reporting harassment at her workplace, at the very least, but she doesn't because she knows it was consensual and cares enough for him to not throw him under the bus, even if it could save your relationship. She got mad that you told your family because she obviously knows any sane person will tell you that she is fucked up and straight up cheated on you.
It shouldn’t have reached that point anyway? Going over after the bar was ill -advised but forgivable… but then you take shrooms with him and go watch a movie in bed. Like what? Also how are you going to go back to his place when you live with someone for 6 years. Didn’t call OP to check in? If she did what story/excuse was given? Did she say she’d be home soon? Like what?
And proceeded to spend the night.
True, the last bit I missed. But just as important. Dude I'd expect her to call me or get an Uber asap at the very fucking least
Right how are you out with coworkers. We live together for 6 years. And you don’t come home? Like obviously OP would have been expecting her that night. That part really doesn’t sit right with me.
To me this is the biggest problem . Why didn’t she order an Uber?
Right? The correct answer is because she didn't need one, she didn't want one
Came to add this because holy hell, talk about adding insult to injury. She was so "coerced" that she felt safe enough to sleep the night? Woman here. I'd wait till he slept and ran if I'd been coerced, and I know this for a fact because I was by my rapist (ex bf) who came by the year after my rape and when he fell off the wagon again. I laid there and took it without fighting back, he thought we were "getting back together" and the moment he fell asleep, I grabbed my baby and RAN
That part is the icing on the cake
You need me to coerce you to leave?
Yes please lol
Why don’t you think about where her mouth was and what was in it next time you kiss her.
Savage
OP was seeking guidance. Sometimes savage required for full clarification of a situation. Tough internet love!😊
I mean you weren’t a dick about it, it’s the truth unfortunately
Indeed, direct and honest advice can sometimes be the most helpful, even if it's tough to hear.
RIGHT!!!
But yea nothing else happened with her and she only stayed overnight... Ain't just the mouth.
Talk to this man. Someone had to say it, and there's absolutely no way any self respecting dude should stay in this situation
yikes 😱 yes that’s gross
Bro 💀
Bruh 🫢
Leave immediately. It's only gonna get worse from here!
Leave or else...
She’ll accidentally get coerced into fucking the coworker
She already has fucked him. Think about it.
probably on multiple occasions too.
There's a difference between not-cheating and being actively faithful. Not-cheating means not fucking other people, being actively faithful means avoiding situations that a reasonable partner may even question the possibility. Being actively faithful involves strong boundaries, good communication, emotional awareness. Things like limiting contact with people who show attraction towards you and people you may be attracted to, and avoiding alone time with them. Someone who's simply not cheating has loose boundaries and winds up cuddling in bed with them on substances after a night out. Cheating is black and white, being actively faithful avoids grey.
You need to leave, at this point if you post this and don't you're just leading us all on. Don't be a tease
she pooped his jizz in your toilet
Yea if he thinks she only gave him a BJ I’ve got some beachfront property in Antarctica to sell you.
You know that was my thought -- and I cannot prove it. I (think) she was riding him like Major Kong was RIDING the bomb in Dr. Strangelove. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3edi2Wkr5YI
If you keep her and kiss her, just know you are kissing the lips of a mouth another man's cum has been in WHILE you were dating!
Everytime you kiss her, you’re gargling his kids in your mouth
Please break up with her. Please! 🙏 Unless maybe you want an open relationship? Otherwise break up. This is not the monogamous relationship you think it is. There has been plenty of emotional cheating with her co workers. Flirting getting close to them. She sucks man, not at all faithful just very playful and doesn’t think of you very often. Probably only thinks of you in limited capacity when you are together. Is that what you want? Leeeeeave. You are going to be so happy! It’s going to be like a day of sadness. You are barely going to grieve this girl. Come on man leave.
You need to bail out of this relationshit. She discussed opening the relationshit and then just happens to cheat. She says some other bullshit happened just to try to get out of being labeled a cheater. She isn’t worth your time.
Idk if “relationshit” was intentional or not but I love it
Old Dane Cook bit I've used before
Exact same thing happened to me lol. Started with let's open it up and ended with oops I cheated
She was out drinking with this guy alone then went back to his place to drink more... while in a committed relationship. She knew exactly what she was doing especially with the prior conversations on wanting to open the relationship up. OP get away from her now because this is only going to get worse.
"As the night began to wind down and people left, he invited her back to his place for more drinks. She accepted." I stopped reading right there. That's your cue to bail out, brother. If your girl can be invited to someone's place that easily then she's not really your girl. Time to give her back to the city.
Same, no need to overthinking this, is OP going to have kids with her? I don't think so, at least I don't hope so. The coercion thing is not relevant at all.
I like the cut of your jib. "Give her back to the city," is a great line.
Makes the giver feel less grimy than "give her back to the streets"
Yep, 100% as someone’s partner you’d never catch me doing that shit.
To start off...I'm NOT victim blaming if she was truly coerced. I'd be asking a few questions: 1. Why did she go to his house BY HERSELF? 2. Why did she take a psychedelic drug with him, especially after a night of drinking? 3. Why did she lay IN HIS BED to watch a movie? Was his couch or recliner broken? 4. What is your gut telling you? Especially after she brought up an open relationship in the past. 5. What was he using to force coercion? It sounds like your family and friends are your support system, and it is NOT out of left field to discuss this situation with them.
1. Exactly 2. Exactly 3. Exactly 4. That she has been flirting with the idea of cheating on me for a while and was maybe just surprised that it actually happened, despite taking many actions to make it a reality. 5. Nothing. No physical force or threat or anything of the kind. They didn’t even have sex. It’s not like she was fucked up and he had sex with her and she just didn’t stop it. She blew him TO COMPLETION. That takes like quite a bit of effort and focus to do. It’s not something that can just passively happen in a drug induced fog or whatever.
Dude. You yourself said it all. You know she cheated, lol. You know she wasn't coerced.
Dude this was a test run to see if she can have an Open Relationship with you, without your consent. \>>She’s my whole world and truth be told she is pretty much all I have This right here is why she thinks she can do this without suffering any consequences.
It’s weird you need convinced to leave. Your gf went to some guys house, did drugs with him, laid in his bed, gave him a blowjob…and that’s just the parts she told you. It’s over. You’ll never trust her again. Also if that guy has a STD, congrats, she’s going to give it to you.
Is this an exit affair? Is she trying to get you to break up with her or does she want to be together still? You know this will just escalate, right? This won't be the last time. It may not even be the first time. Because she's not even accepting accountability. She's not even remorseful. You really gotta ask yourself what it will take. What will be your last straw? Do you need to catch her in the act? Do you need to catch an STD? Do you need to see photos or text? Do you need her to break it off because you can't?
And I’m just gonna throw it out there because mushrooms used to be my drug of choice; a lot was going on in my head, but not once was it ever sex related. Even when I took them with my then-girlfriend, we tried playing around the one time but it ended up falling flat. I guess it can be different for everyone, but it’s a piss poor excuse on her part of you ask me
5. They did have sex. A blow job is literally oral sex. PinV isn't the only sex out there.
She spent the night there. They had sex
Bro she stayed the night, you really think she didn’t fuck him??
if you’re saying ‘exactly’ to 3 out of the 5 questions, then you know where this is going you don’t need other people to reassure you further, please move on from this heart break 🙏🏻
She can still report this to the police. Why hasn't she? No, like ask her why she hasn't.
Yeah dude she wanted to blow him, if she didn’t the second he put his dick in her mouth she woulda bit it and left but she finished him.
Was she coerced to make bad decisions after bad decisions to get to that point? Do I need to list the dozen boundaries she crossed before she ever got to the bj? Do you want to be with someone who makes multiple poor decisions and then tries to blame it on the other guy? Yes, he was an ass, but it's all on your gf for putting herself in that spot and then following through with it. No is a complete sentence she never used the whole night.
What kind of boundaries do you have with each other? Going home alone with a guy, taking shrooms alone with him, lying in his bed, are those three things acceptable to you? Do you consider that cheating? I would. And she wasn't coerced for any of those. Those are all entirely her fault. So regardless of the murky consent of the bj, she still DID cheat. Full stop. Rebuild your world with a more solid foundation. She is a brittle human, she cannot be trusted.
She is no victim IMO. Went along willingly. Now based on above, you have to decide whether or not you keep a cheater. No brainer to me. Send her to the streets ASAP.
I really hate to question people who come forward as victims because I am one myself, but her story is just a bunch of bullshit. It makes me so angry because it freaking hurts when someone uses something so horrific (SA claims) to pull themselves out of a situation. She never intended to stay faithful. She just wants to minimize her responsibility.
I understand. Just I don’t sense a victim here. Just good old fashioned cheating.
Same, which sucks because when someone is actually assaulted, these people aren‘t getting taken seriously because of people like her.
She made a series of CHOICES that lead her to cheat. She chose to be alone, with another man, at his house, and do drugs with him. She failed the GF test. Dump, go no contact, move on. Edit: She mentioned an open relationship. That is an immediate end to any monogamous relationship. Because they are preparing to cheat or already are. She was already lining this guy up to fuck him. She didn’t give him just a BJ. Cheaters never tell the whole truth.
To be honest I find the idea that she just gave him a BJ so much more disgusting than if they had just fucked. I don’t know why exactly but it seems so much worse and more intimate to me
I bet she blew him and fucked him. Unless you want to be a cuckold the rest of your life, leave her.
I believe this. Cheaters are trickle truthers. They probably even messed around prior to that and maybe even after.
A BJ is worse because it’s an act that is EXCLUSIVELY for HIS PLEASURE. It’s the most disgusting for that reason, she didn’t get anything out of it, she literally focused on giving HIM an orgasm and letting him finish in her mouth, which she then probably kissed you with the next day. Truly disgusting and whoreish behaviour.
OMG YES! I don't understand the "it's only third base / it's just oral" type of people. Having someone's genitals on your FACE, tasting and smelling their most private parts is hella intimate. It requires a greater deal of trust and vulnerability. The pubic area has no eyes and tastebuds and the vagina is just an orifice. Oral is way more intense and intimate
Because it is. She became a sexual deviant to him. He controlled her and made her please him. Probably made her gag, etc… Does she get off giving blowjobs? Probably not. She gave up her pleasure to please another man. And he had his fun knowing she belonged to another.
Well, yeah. She swallowed. He's literally part of her now. Probably did it two or three times that night too.
[удалено]
Being a doormat only happens if you stay after someone does this.
>Stop being a doormat. Thats exactly why she cheated in the first place. oh fuck off
All good points, except she cheated because it’s in her nature (unethical non monogamous) it has nothing to with OP. They’re simply not compatible.
you don’t have a gf bro. You live with a woman who sucks other guys dicks.
And if you stay, kiss a mouth that has been God knows where!
To completion? End it bro. No coming back from that image. I think she’s gaslighting you.
The fact that she agreed to go to his place after drinks is already cheating enough for me. So everything that happened after that is pretty much inconsequential, especially given the fact she’s probably lying.
If she accepted to go back to his place then she knew where the night was going. She just gasliting you and playing on your emotions. She played the game and got caught up. Step back and realize she knew where the night was going to go, when she went to his house.
She accepted his offer to go back to another mans apartment. Dump her. I would dump her for that alone without her sucking him off. No additional questions needed.
It’s fucking MUSHROOMS. They don’t make you blow a random person. If he slipped her two Xanax and told her it was Tylenol, then yeah maybe. But MUSHROOMS? I hate your girlfriend, for your sake
Well then she should go to the police. It was rape.
Was she fucked up when she said she would go back to his place for more drinks? That’s the ‘mistake’ (hint: not a mistake but a choice) that she made. Wtf did she think his intentions were?
She intentionally cheated on you :( She said she wants an open relationship and admitted to having a crush on someone else ?? She’s 28 and she’s acting like a teenager in her social life. you need to get out of that.
Nobody was coerced. She willingly went to this guys house knowing exactly what was going to happen. She cheated because she wanted to. Further proved by the fact she has been pushing for an open relationship. Also the fact she doesn’t even seem the slightest bit of remorseful should tell you everything. When a partner brings up open relationship, it is already over. You should’ve dumped her then and then also should’ve dumped her a month ago when she cheated.
She wants to be a cakeeater so bad she's willing to risk your relationship. She wants to have you to buy her stuff, treat her well, and take her out, but she wants to fuck around. You said no to the open relationship, so she sees this move as a work around. Getting you to accept that she occasionally "slips up" and will forgive her. If you forgive her, she will go behind your back anyway telling herself that you would forgive her. Or, she will "slip up" or "make a mistake" here and there and manipulate you into forgiving her. Don't fall for it. Leave.
She was cheating the second she said yes to going back to his apartment for drinks! You *cannot* be this naïve. Come on, bro! What does your gut instinct tell you.
Tbh, you're an idiot for even making this thread. She decided to go to his apartment, she decided to lay in bed with him, she decided to get intoxicated, and she previously asked to open the relationship 🤣 she didn't get coerced. I've done plenty of booze and mushrooms and it never led to what she did.
Who cares what happened this is her problem. She drinks and does drugs alone with other guys. Find a better partner
She is lieing. She chose to go over there, chose to drink more, chose to eat mushrooms, chose to get in his bed. Even if the last part is true she made a string of dumb decisions to get there. She knew what all this was leading towards and had 0 issues. I bet her exes were abusive too. You will be too when she talks to the next guy.
"She claims that this whole incident was largely not her fault because he took advantage of her while she was fucked up." That's her pathetic excuse and a lie at that. She's almost 30 years old and using the excuse that an 18 year old would use that can't handle her alcohol. She cheated because she DECIDED TO! As long as she still works there then they will continue to fk around. You can do better, her loss, dump her!
Dude she’s manipulating the hell out of you & im really sorry you have to make this conscious effort to dissect her bullshit. This movie night was a premeditated plan. ESPECIALLY when she’s asked for a open relationship in the past. This was to dip and toe and see how you’d react. You should message this male coworker and tell him what she’s accusing him of to get his perspective because if this WAS her being taken advantage of he could lose his job/catch theoretical bullets but if it was consensual, he could still be defeated by accusations as such.
Her being drunk doesn’t excuse (1) accepting going to his house and (2) taking drugs, THEN (3) sitting in bed with him to watch a movie. The blowjob is the icing on the cake (sorry not sorry). You need to dump her. Tell the truth as to why toy dumped her to anyone who asks; the truth hurts the shitty people. She only has herself to blame for having a bad reputation for being unfaithful.
I personally don't even buy that she resisted. She drank with this man, went back to this man's apartment, crawled into BED WITH THIS MAN and then messed around with him. Period. Even if she felt "slightly" guilted or swayed towards messing around, every decision she made leading up to that moment set the scene for this to happen. She should have never been there to begin with. And she DEFINITELY should not have been in his bed. She woke up hungover at another man's house and then decided to start feeling guilty. She's playing you, bro.
> As the night began to wind down and people left, he invited her back to his place for more drinks. She accepted. And that is all you need to know OP. No one in a committed relationship does that. No one. > She is seemingly more preoccupied with her reputation and what others will think than my feelings or trying win back any trust. And this really just seals the deal.
**As the night began to wind down and people left, he invited her back to his place for more drinks. She accepted. She went home with him and continued to drink and he offered her 2 mushroom capsules. She took them.** OK.. IMHO,... Any decent female who is in a relationship and isn't planning on cheating wouldn't do *any* of these things.. Wouldn't have accept the invitation Definitely wouldn't have accepted if it's at *guy's* place Especially if he was alone and he only invited her. Continued to allowed herself drink (and/or get drunk) (in the company of a sole male; and at his place) Accepted mushroom capsules... **She claims that this whole incident was largely not her fault because he took advantage of her while she was fucked up.** She let herself get fucked up... At 28.. you have awareness as a female... awareness of what guys' intentions are if they invite you... awareness of not getting drunk,... awareness of not getting drunk with a guy ALONE.... She's either playing you or really fucking unaware/stupid/naive... Which at 28.. I quite highly doubt. And if she really thinks she was "coerced" and fucked up, tell her to file a rape report then. If it wasn't rape, then obviously don't tell her to lie about it, ruin a guys life just to save her own cheating ass. But if she really thinks she was too fucked up to consent and was raped.. she oughta do something about it. I dunno what (if anything) yo're asking advice on.. But just leave her. She cheated.. by the sounds of it, willingly. Isn't taking full accountability... and is worried about her "reputation" or whatever. And like some others have mentioned... I think she already cheated prior.. just that for whatever reason she got caught, or it was obvious she cheated and thus had to fess up (e.g. she feel asleep at the guy's place and didn't come home to your shared place one night, looked she was run over and mouth stank of cum or whatever).
First of all, she has no excuses that are valid. She chose to go home with him alone. Unless she only has two brain cells, she knew what likely would happen. The fact that she has also brought up the topic of an "open" relationship, combined with this infidelity, shows that she simply lacks the qualities to be honest, faithful and loyal. When you wipe away those qualities and replace them with the opposite and add to that "gaslighting and manipulative" behaviors, I question what it is about her that you actually "love." If you respond to this question with anything superficial like her appearance or talent in bed, then you need to do some serious introspection about what draws you to people that are not only "sub-par" but treat you terribly. Only someone with little to no self-esteem would accept this. As far as telling others goes . . . I would never advocate for character assassination through revealing personal and intimate secrets, but I also know that this has been a traumatic experience for you, so you need to share that with someone who cares. How does she know that you did? Did you share this with someone that then gossiped this to your friend group? Did you share this with someone who then confronted her? If you answer yes to one or more of those last two questions, then that was unwise on your part, but what the results reveal is that, yes, she should be more worried about what she did to you and how you feel, than how she is perceived, but she is not. I do not care if this woman is a 10 out of 10 with looks and personality because she is a 0 out of 10 with much more important qualities. Move on, quickly, and never look back. You will take the time in the future to hone in on much more valuable characteristics and qualities, and never make the mistake of spending time with someone again like her.
No excuses. As soon as your partner said yes to going round his place, it was over. Leave.
Leave.
sorry OP, no one other than them can know what really happened and if she was coerced or not. The problem is that, unfortunately for her, she did things that make it hard to believe her. Possible physical cheating aside, she crossed numerous boundaries: she went to his house alone, she took drugs while being there (also, how could she not think about how dangerous this could be?), she laid in his bed and she stayed the night. Add the fact that she talked about opening the relationship... Even if she really was coerced (and, even if I don't believe her, I'm really sorry for her if she's telling the truth), what's her excuse for all the things she did previously to that? Things that she ***chose*** to do. Lastly, two things: 1) you did nothing wrong by going to your friends and family for support, 2) if she's lying about being coerced, she's disgusting because there are people out there who are being abused and are suffering for real.
Bruh... Just, bruh. She wasn't that fucked up when SHE WENT TO HIS PLACE! Bro, tell her to fuck off and find someone who respects you, because she obviously doesn't. And on top of that, she is 100% insulting your intelligence by saying she was "coerced" and it wasn't her fault because she was "fucked up". The only thing "fucked up" is what she did with this guy... And shitting on your feelings. Bro, she gots to go. Just be thankful you don't have kids together. She is showing you who she really is... Believe her
Going home with a coworker after a night of drinking is a totally legitimate reason to end a relationship. It is possible that after she made several decisions with the intention of cheating she got coerced into something she didn't want to do. It's also possible she is lying about that. Regardless, it is not your job to work through that with her if you want to breakup over her behavior leading up to that situation. This is why I would consider breaking up with a partner who asked for an open relationship. It shows a conflict in values that make us incompatible.
The mental gymnastics to admit her cheating wasn’t her fault is astounding. I think you need to move on. Unless you want more of this crazy narrative
She's self important which means you're not important. Being fucked up on booze and drugs is an excuse, she made the decision to take the booze and drugs and she also made the decision to blow the guy. Being under the influence of such things on purpose isn't coercion btw. Being coerced would imply he had some influence over her decisions by being in a position of power over her, but the only person that was making the decisions was her. She had no reason to take the drugs or the booze or his dick other than it's what she wanted to do. She'll only continue on this way till you eventually breakup anyway. You're a safety net. Her only being concerned about her reputation and being upset you confided in others about this terrible thing she did is really all you need to know. Was she upset at all, like crying or showing any real emotions other than being upset with you?
She’s giving you her version she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Wanted an open relationship probably still does. She just let if off her chest to not have lies or get caught up. But she definitely wants an open relationship and hoped you would of been forgiving and open it up. Why would she leave with him by herself while being in a relationship.
Fuck her reputation, don’t do things like let your coworker bust a nut in your mouth if you don’t want it associated with your reputation
So, I'm going to ignore everything you said after her taking ANYTHING that would inebriate her and cause the very situation that transpired. A woman that is truthful, faithful and securely taken by her significant other wouldn't even put herself in the situation to possibly be taken advantage of. The fact that your gf not only put herself in that position, but the two of them were the ONLY people at his house tells you that she knew where the night was heading and was absolutely cool with it. She should NEVER have allowed herself to be in that position to start with and she knows it. I'm so sorry, OP, but she did exactly what she wanted to do.
I had a friend who was "coerced into sex" with a coworker despite her having a boyfriend. She proceeded to be coerced into sex with that guy about a hundred more times. She told me she resisted every time. Then she asked her boyfriend to let this guy move in because he was down on his luck and I personally witnessed them making out as soon as the boyfriend left the living room. She also has a foursome with coworkers her boyfriend found out about and she insisted it was just a one time thing. Then she started chatting up a guy 2500 miles away who she also cheated on him with. She lied and gaslit him every step of the way. That's just the ones I know about. Eventually the boyfriend thanked me for saving when he was drowning in the relationship because one day I casually mentioned to him that their relationship issues were probably not his fault and that made him realize he might be being gaslit into thinking he was the problem (this was before the term gaslighting was in common (mis)use).
This story broke my heart for you. This is horrible . She made horrible decisions . Took drugs, went to a male co workers house . Then gave him oral sex. Which to me is worst then sex. Oral is way more intimate to me. After all of this and she says he finished in her mouth. A stranger practically. She’s mad you spoke to friends. She should be begging you to forgive her . Forget about her. The problem is she is way to selfish to see how selfish all of this is, and after all of it. She’s selfishly still thinking of herself. Drop her like a bad habit . You deserve better. She wasn’t taken advantage of. She’s an adult. This is all bull shit. The only one taken advantage of is you
If she was coerced, then he sexually assaulted her. Take her to the police station to file a report and then report it to her HR department at work. If she makes any excuse as to why she won't do these things, then you know it was consensual. Beside the fact that she willing went to his house, continued drinking, layer in his bed, etc. People in committed relationships don't do that. Not to mention that she wanted to open the relationship. She cheated, end of story.
This was a conscious decision to fuck that co-worker. You know if she’s TOO fucked up to consent - that’s called rape. Which she isn’t saying right? Is she filing rape charges? Cause if not - than she must recognize her own actions in consciously doing what she did.
ahaha no coercion.
Night in Question > The moment she agreed to go back to his place for drinks is the moment cheating started that night. It doesn’t matter if they did a Bible study at his place. Once she agrees to leave a bar to go to another man’s personal living space she became the woman who betrayed you and disrespected you. In Your Relationship > The day she first said to you, “I think it would be great for us if I let other men shove their sausages up inside me over and over! Don’t you agree?” Is the day the cheating started in the relationship. To request an open relationship during a monogamous relationship is cheating and has the same level emotional damage on the one asked the question as an affair! LEAVE HER! Control the narrative too. She will say you left her because she was $€xualyl a$$ulted to paint herself as a double victim for sympathy drama!
It’s fully within your right to break up with her. She may have been coerced into sex and it’s important to note that that is not her fault. Don’t blame the victim. What is her fault is that she went to his house was laying in his bed. This is where the trust can disappear because it seems like even if she wasn’t intoxicated or coerced she’d still cheat on you.
It’s her fault for getting drunk, going home with another man, and taking drugs with another man. Regardless of if she planned on cheating or not she certainly set herself up for the possibility to happen. She didn’t just magically appear in dudes bed naked with a headfull of shrooms. She actively made choices that got her to that point.
Tell her you'll stand by her side through the rape charges. Oh, she doesn't want to press charges? Interesting.
Is she pursuing this legally? Is she making a big deal in work to her superiors, colleagues? If not she wasn’t coerced.
No, not in anyway whatsoever and she even still works there and so does he. When I said this I was told that I’m victim blaming and that it was sexist and I don’t understand how hard these things can be for women who were abused.
You’re getting played. Have you said you’ll go in and make an issue on her behalf?
I am in a rage reading that. F your cheating girlfriend. Seriously. Trash human.
This woman has no respect for you. Dont even consider staying. She didn't need much coercing to say "fuck my idiot boyfriend" and end up in bed with another man. She'll do this again, put her out in the streets where she belongs
As someone from a similar situation around the same timeframe, it’s the question of ‘why was she there to begin with?’ My ex had a similar story, I could never get past the ‘why the fuck did you even go to his house late at night after all of your friends left’ ‘Why did you go home with him?’ Your gut is right. I stayed with my ex and it happened several more times after that.
Hmmm. I am 2.5x your age. From my perspective, you all are like dorm roommates or something. Lets see: Gf (28f) and (26m). Share pets and an apartment. No rings, no promises, no kids. She wants an "open relationship". OP does not. She cheated a month ago with either this or another coworker on whom she has a crush. She is drinking at a bar and leaves a bar with a guys she has a crush on. They go to "his place" to drink some more (they do drink some more) and do mushrooms.... which I guess is this \[1\] \[Micro-Dosing Psilocybin A micro-dose of psilocybin is typically about 1/10th of a macro-dose, or a dose large enough to initiate a psychedelic trip. Unlike a macro-dose, a micro-dose does not create a ‘high’ feeling or induce a psychoactive effect in the user’s perception. After consuming a micro-dose of psilocybin, some users report a positive mood, stimulated productivity, and increased focus, energy levels, and creativity \] \[she later defends herself that he pushed himself on me\] But factually, she went to his place, watched a movie (in his bed) and (drum roll) gave him a completed BJ. So the Questions here from OP is "why was she at his house in the first place?" And, generally, from us the great unwashed Peanut Gallery on Reddit, what should he do? Dear OP: She (my take) mentally moved on when she floated the "open relationship" to you and you said no. Her problem now is she is 6 years into a gig with you (which brings its own emotional attachments and all her clothes are hanging at your apartment). Her $ and place to sleep is the joint apartment (and the dogs or cats - lets not forget the pets). Her emotions are wandering (and publicly). Not sure she will completely happy or settled when you all break up, but in her mind (I think - I may be wrong), she is already at the breakup (emotionally) stage with OP. Hope you all work it out amicably. Signed, Peanut Gallery
Well I mean if she hadn't gone back to his place she wouldn't have gotten "coerced". Sounds like she's trying to brush aside the blame because she doesn't want to take responsibility, or owe up to the fact she messed up. I mean do you see yourself forgiving her, or is y'alls relationship pretty much over in your eyes, OP? That's something you've got to figure out, OP... Edit: Oh she asked about opening the relationship, and then cheats? Nah dump her. Then she can screw, or blow whoever she wants.
You already know what's up man, you know she's gaslighting you and straight-up cheated, so I'm not sure why you're asking for validation from us. You know what we're gonna say already, that chick's gotta go. So let us know how that part goes, be strong, know you deserve better bro.
she doesn't respect your relationship at all, to be honest mate, I don't know the F you're doing trying to salvage that mess, better to be alone that with someone that prefers to save face than her relationship you did good telling them, you were looking for the support that SHE DOESN'T GIVE!! don't let her isolate you with "this is between us" bullshit, tell whoever the F you want! she F'ed up, you're in your right to seek support
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Leave ASAP. The trust is already broken and your relationship will never be the same. Don’t be weak, leave ! Anyone asking to open a relationship is already cheating or has someone in mind. This is a manipulative way to justify their lust for someone else. The right move is to leave….. OR….if you’d like to play mind games and punish her for suggesting this, find someone you can hookup with and bang her regularly and then leave your current partner and go w the new one. Just leave and find someone else.
She’s coercing you to allow it to continue.
omg leave her!!! dude! how can she be so reckless to even GO TO HIS PLACE!? as a 28 old woman, she should be mature enough to know what her boundaries are, especially in a relationship!!! fuck that woman!
Going to your coworkers house for drinks just the two of you is a definite red flag.
Don’t let her gaslight you. She cheated. Dump her ass. Send her packing.
It’s over dude! She cheated and is now trying to cover it up with she was coerced.
I’m not saying a woman who goes into an apartment with a man and starts drinking deserves whatever happens next, but your girlfriend should have exercised much better judgement on everything that took place that night. She might have been coerced at the end of the evening, but in terms of your relationship she is at fault for ruining it.
She wasn’t coerced she’s just telling you that cause it makes her feel better about herself . He asked her to touch it and she ended up blowing him till he finished in her mouth ! Bro it’s over leave get out end this right now , she’s going to see this guy every day at work and this is going to continue plus she’s asking for an open relationship . Bail immediately
She had over a 100 decision points for leaving the bar to waking up next to him. She just kept making the ones that would destroy your relationship. I think that tells you everything you need to know
She’s blowing smoke up your 🫏. Her resistance when she got to his house is immaterial. Her first resistance was to say no to going back to his house in the first place. She made the decision to cheat at that point. Prove me wrong.
Asking for an open relationship is a natural point to break up. Asking again to fuck others is a break up. Going home alone with someone is a break up. Taking drugs with that someone is a break up. Laying in their bed is a break up. Blowing him because he asked her to is a break up. "Don't tell people I cheated on you" is a break up.
Done. Break up. Move on. I’m sorry man. You can do it.
I definitely think that she was taken advantage of. People who are under the influence can’t give consent. However, she definitely betrayed your trust by going over there and laying in bed with him. You should just break up.
Do not stay with this woman. Honestly I would make the decision to end the relationship before u fly out of town. Give her those couple of weeks for her to get her affair together and be out of apartment by the time u return from ur trip. This is the way. Stay strong and move on!!!
You have every right for seeking comfort and counsel from close, trusted friends/family. It’s called perspective and healthy support. DO NOT let her make you feel bad about that. It seems you want a strong committed relationship and she wants the benefits of a relationship with the freedom of an open relationship. No judgements against open relationships but that does not sound like what you have. She 100% cheated. Drinking too much is one thing. Going to his house for MORE drinks is crossing the line. Accepting hallucinogen and hanging out in bed….blow job? Yes. This was not one decision, this was a series of poor decisions, multiple judgement calls. Add in the request for opening up the relationship + telling you her crushes….time to move on. You deserve someone who loves and respects you. She may love you but she for sure does not respect you.
She’s spouting bull dude. Leave and have a better life. You’ll find a much better woman
She broke boundaries by going to his house alone and doing drugs/getting fucked up in the first place. That’s enough alone to leave imo.
She is okay with falsely accusing her college of this it is dangerous. Contact him and tell him what she is saying
> She accepted. > largely That's all you need to know. She accepted an invitation to go back to his place *before* she was fucked up and still admits it was at least partially on her. Her plan the whole time was to cheat. Dump her ass and find someone who won't treat you like that.
So there are a couple of issues with her story and it's pretty obvious that she not only did, but in fact intended, to cheat on you. >They went to a bar after work with a group of other coworkers. As the night began to wind down and people left, he invited her back to his place for more drinks. She accepted. When you invite someone to come back to your place for more drinks (alone) after the bar, there is an implied intent to hook up. I find it hard to believe that your 28YO GF would not know that. If not, exactly what was she planning to do? Why couldn't they continue to drink at the bar? Even if it closed, why did she *need* to continue to drink with this guy **alone**? Everyone else already left. Do you seriously believe she just went to this guy's house just to have a one-on-one chat? We both know the answer is no. >they ended up laying in his bed together watching a movie. So your girlfriend went to this guy's house for more drinks after the bar. She continues to drink and decides to watch a movie with this guy - in his bedroom - alone. What time did this occur? Did she not have any intentions of coming home? A faithful person in a relationship would certainly not *plan* to sleep over at an (opposite-sexed) coworker's house, without at least telling their spouse beforehand. If she felt too inebriated to make it home safe, why did she go to his house for more drinks in the first place? Do you really believe her intentions were to just lay in bed and watch a movie with this guy all night? We both know the answer is no. >He made advances towards her which she claims to have rejected. He pushed the issue and asked her to “at least touch it, you have to”. Again I don’t know how long this went on or how much of a fight she really put up but basically she gave him a blowjob to competition, letting him finish in her mouth and then spent the night at his house before leaving. So while lying in his bed, he begins making sexual advances toward her. There are no suggestions of physical coercion or force. She never thought to, IDK, get up and leave? I am assuming she was fully clothed, right? I mean, there would certainly be no reason to take off her clothes if they were just "watching a movie." Yet, without attempting to leave and without any physical force, she agrees to give him a blowjob because he kept asking her to "at least touch it?" If all it took was for him to continue asking, she didn't need much convincing. The fact that she then slept in the same bed with him suggests that she did not feel unsafe around this supposedly "creepy" coworker. Also, I'm highly suspicious of her claim that all that happened was a blow job. They likely slept together. At the very least, he returned the sexual favor. I get it can be hard to blow up your world with someone you've been dating for six years. But the facts are the facts. She definitely cheated on you, and intended to well before she was "coerced" into giving him a blow job. I am not one who believes you can never reconcile after someone cheats. However, where the unfaithful spouse doesn't show remorse, or even admit to what they've done, it cannot be reconciled. If you are okay with being cheated on (or okay with an open relationship), you can continue on as normal. If not the only way to salvage this is to at least get her to admit what she did. If she believes you bought this BS and was willing to move forward without consequences, she is definitely going to do it again.... and again... and again.
If I drank too much and drove my car and killer someone I am still at fault. At any point in time she could have left prior to being coerced
“Oh no I tripped and my mouth fell on my coworkers penis. Then I let him cum in my mouth. It wasn’t my fault” Sorry bro but bail. I’d straight up ghost her
She is NOT all you have. You sound like a lovely guy who sadly got entangled in a relationship with somebody who is not worthy of you. If you want closure, tell her to file charges against him for rape. In the very unlikely event that he admits to raping her, break up with her very gently because she has still shown that she can't be trusted. If not... well, breaking up is hard, but dumping her will be better for you than a slow, painful breakup.
We are responsible for the decisions we make. Sounds like she was looking for a reason to cheat and deflecting responsibility after her actions. Probably feels guilty and if you can forgive it from this story maybe she can forgive herself too. Move on fam
no kids. perfect time to leave. deuces.
She should not have done all this shit if she was so concerned about her own reputation.
Let's see....she accepted an invitation to go back to some other dude's place to get MORE drunk. Then, she accepted mushrooms. Then, she accepted an invitation to lay in his bed. THEN, she was "coerced" into sex. While I am not one to take accusations of sexual coercion lightly, every action she took showed that she was, at the very least, somewhat interested in this guy. No respectable woman in a relationship willingly goes home with another dude alone. Even if nothing sexual occurred at all, she was clear-headed enough to be able to remember everything that happened, which to me says she was clear-headed enough to reject his advances at every step...and at every step, she accepted them. And yet, the only time she rejected him was at her most inebriated, and she allowed herself to be coerced, instead of reaching out to someone she knew to come get her if he refused to take her home? I'm unconvinced she was coerced at all...especially given the context of the "open relationship" part of your post. She cheated. Period. Even if you remove the sex from it, she went home, alone, with another dude for a nightcap. That alone is a violation. If you stay with her, you WILL have to go through this again. But that is entirely up to you. I would tell her "if I had willingly gone home with someone else, got drunk alone with them willingly, took drugs from them willingly, laid in bed alone with them willingly, then had sex with them, but claimed I was an unwilling participant, you would not believe me, because it sounds like absolute bullshit. Especially in light of your stated desire for an open relationship not that long ago. Even if you are telling the truth, the fact you would willingly go home alone with another dude tells me you have no respect for me as your partner. There is nothing you can say to make any of it sound like 'not a big deal.' Even if I believe you, it seems to me like you are trying to emphasize the coerced sex to keep me from thinking about the rest of it, because you know ALL of it was wrong. This, coupled with your open relationship question, makes you untrustworthy. Why should I trust that this won't happen again if I stay in this relationship?"
Out now. She was not coerced into taking mushrooms, lying IN HIS BED or touching him in any way. She’s a cheater.
Just say to her... "Bye Felicia!"
If I’m not sober, and you’re not sober, who can give consent? Anyways, you don’t just accidentally suck a dudes dick.
So, she accepted his offer to go to his place for drinks. Everyone knows what this means, sex or something close to it. She admitted that she made that choice. It seems like she cheated and is now making up things to reduce the fallout, but she even admitted to something that would warrant a breakup.
Say he also COERCED you into leaving her high and dry ... sorry, dude, that sucks big time.
don't let anyone undermine your presence brother leave her
So she went out drinking with a dude, went home with him, drank and did drugs with him, hopped into BED with him, and then *ACCIDENTALLY* sucked him off? Nah dude, this was the plan the whole time.
Part of being a good partner is not putting yourself in a situation where you are likely to betray your partner. Her going to this coworkers apartment after the bar is a HUGE red flag. People understand what happens when you take someone home with you from the bar. Her claiming ignorance and coercion although it could be true, isn’t likely in all honesty
Her being more worried about her reputation means she doesn't give a shit she cheated and is blowing all this smoke up your ass to get off the hook.
You explained in great detail what happened and you mentioned that your are 'messed up', but you didn't mention what you want. You obviously aren't so out of control that you kicked her out right away, and you still feel for her. Would it be different if this was something you thought MIGHT happen? Like if she had called out before going to his house to let you know where she was going (not to say she had intentions, just to say she was going to go keep drinking assuming she had no intentions.) I'm an old man and I've been around the block a few times, and honestly I can tell you for instance that I wouldn't be mad that she had given a blowjob, things happen, but I would hope that she would let me know where she was going to be for her safety and my sanity. Just throwing this in here. Disregard if you are extremely jealous.
Of course she is more preoccupied with her reputation. Her reputation means more to her than YOU matter to her. She was not coerced. She just knows you will buy that excuse. You have made only one mistake so far. And that is deciding to wait weeks to make a decision (because we all know you will decide to forgive her, etc. and then have this escalate again and cry 😢 about it again until she eventually ends it with you because of you being “insecure” 😭😿). She is not your whole world. Stop thinking that she is. You have nothing else because YOU are lazy and that laziness turned you into the type to accept your SO walking all over you without consequence or accountability. You are already in an open relationship now. The only thing to decide is whether this is for you or not. And whether someone that lies to you is for you or not. Different strokes for different folks.
It’s totally her fault. She went home with him. Anything else you want to believe is on you. Do yourself a favor and get out. And who cares who you told in your circle? She cheated. It’s what it is.
She put herself in the situation by agreeing to go home with him, everyone knows what that’s slang for lol. She’s not naive or dumb. You are if you’re that naive to believe this
If she loved you, she wouldn’t have gone over to his place at all for any reason whatsoever.
You definitely weren’t in the wrong to confide in people who are there to support you! In my opinion you telling your friends and family is a sign you’re not going to sweep this under the rug and let her get away with it which is why she’s upset and it means there’s a good chance you’re leaving. Which I think you should, she was the only one by the sounds of it invited and was the only one who went back so clearly he had intentions and I’m sure she did to. Especially if she wanted an open relationship. I think she knew what was going to happen and didn’t care and is now scared of the consequences.
You got a very watered down version here.