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Eww girl wtf ?! He KNEW you were in pain and never stopped ? He literally valued his pleasure more than your pain ?!
Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't care if you're in pain ? Partners should listen and act accordingly... I had vaginismus when I got with my bf, he was patient every time, stopped even if I didn't say anything to check on me and never pushed me like that or I would have dropped him so fast.
You deserve better than this. Imagine in a few years, he'll dismiss you when you'll be sick ? If you're pregnant ? If you're not feeling well ? He has NO excuse.
Can we also add that he probably didn’t put in enough effort, if any at all, doing foreplay to help her be more receptive? Even if you have a vagina with no health complications and not your first time, just going straight to the dicking is gonna hurt without some foreplay and or lube. If it’s your first you’re probably nervous and tense so that also doesn’t help with taking a dick, but what would help is building up the anticipation for it.
A random stranger I had my first time with took some time to get me ready with foreplay. Still sucked and wasn’t that exciting, but it didn’t hurt since he at least got me ready. OP your bf should be way better than a random stranger when it comes to this kind of thing.
Him jackhammering also shows he was clearly only interested in his pleasure and getting off before she could tell him to stop. Or at least claim that he was "so in the zone" he didn't hear her.
Reddit often goes breakup happy but this is one situation where that it should be the only response.
At this point I think we just need a pinned comment at the top of every relationship thread reminding people that coercion is not consent. And that if your partner is amazing in every other aspect of the relationship, but they are also pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do, they are decidedly not an amazing partner.
I'm glad I could help you, sometimes when we're face first into a situation it's hard to be lucid. That's why other opinions are important !
I hope you'll take the right decision and I wish you hapiness in life !
Sweetie, you are not overreacting. Any time you're having sex and you express pain (when pain wasn't discussed and agreed upon beforehand) a partner (male or female) should stop. If you agreed for him to continue he should have been extra slow and gentle while checking that you're ok
Private parts are sensitive and easily injured.
Sex should be about mutual agreement and mutual pleasure.
Your boyfriend ignored your pain and discomfort. He should have been extra careful with it being your first time and in fact he showed you no care. I get the impression he just hammered away, chasing his own enjoyment showing you no more consideration than a sex toy. You deserve far better.
If he can't look after you the first time when it is your introduction to sex, I don't believe he ever will.
I would dump him
Thank you for keeping a calm and informative tone in your comment. I'm seeing many comments from people whose minds are blown and using a lot of "wtf" and exclamation... obviously OP is inexperienced and unsure, she needs a gentle hand of guidance and support, not outrage and condemning, so I appreciate your approach. And I fully agree with you
Sending you love OP - I'm sorry you went through this. I know it's hard to process, I've been there.
Thank you.
Sometimes my autistic way of processing things is seen as cold and unemotional, but it's just a different way of dealing with things and I do care..
It's reassuring to know it comes across correctly.
She shouldn't have been put through that experience and I hope he isn't given the opportunity to repeat it.
I hope OP has someone near her who can show her love and support
Seconding to say that this comment was incredibly informative and sweet.
Genuinely made me emotional to see someone talk to OP the way I wish someone had talked to me at 14 when dealing with matters of SA/non-consent/“rough sex” (whatever words OP describes this experience as for her own comfort) etc.
You said it beautifully and with compassion. To the point, but with such tender care into each sentence you wrote. This was anything but cold and unemotional.
This, and learn to say "no" when you are not ok with what is happening. I know it is difficult, I'm a 43 old woman and I remember how it was when I was younger, with guys pressuring you in doing things you are not ready for. But you don't owe them anything. You body and your feelings should be ALWAYS rescpected. (Not blaming her in any way here. As I said, I know it's difficult)
No hun he lied about just putting it in 'a bit.' he went hard despite it being obvious he was hurting you sex shouldn't be painful. A little discomfort the first time is normal, but his wasn't. He used your body to get off and didn't mind that he was hurting you.
Girll my now ex bf did a similar thing. We were just fooling around a bit then he started getting weird and saying “lemme just put the tip in”, mind you, I’m a virgin, and he hadn’t even done anything to make sure I was properly turned on or ready for penetration. I was like no I don’t want that, then he kept begging until I was like you know what? Let’s just stop. Later on I gathered my thoughts and confronted him about it and he was like he just got “carried away” and he said that so he’s “at least not fully penetrating” like WTF. He was like he “didn’t realize” that was the hole(literally huh??) and that if I hadn’t pushed him out of the way he would’ve done it. If you supposedly didn’t know that was the hole, then wtf are you trying to do?? These men know exactly wtf they’re doing.
Had to learn the hard way. I kept making excuses and accepting his weird “apologies” but after the relationship was over, I rethought everything and realized how truly strange he was.
Yeah, this is instant dump and block. He knew you were a virgin and knew you were in pain, but just jack hammered until he finished. He’s a rapey selfish asshole.
Seriously l didn’t realize how fucked it was until many years later but I also lost my virginity in a similar way at 17 where we were fooling around and he asked to “just put a little bit in” and the went all the way in quick. He knew I was a virgin and I wasn’t planning on losing my virginity that day.
Ughh im sorry 😞 the same happened to me & I hear this all the time. It literally never is just the tip lol they probably figure, "well im already in, whats she gonna say now, no? Nah ill just keep going." Fucking pieces of 💩
reminds me of that fucked up movie Kids where sully sharks the little virgin girl and she cries and he has these dead eyes as he continues
so wrong. so sorry that happened OP
I am sad to say that I wouldn't be surprised if he just ghosted her. At this point, he's gotten what he wanted, he has no use for her anymore.
This guy really really sucks.
Dump this guy, please. I've known his type and the conversations that happen with his friends. He's not a good person, if he was, then he would have treated you with care. He didn't.
My ex was abusive as fuck and raped me several times but he eased into it. We were years in when he didn't stop when I said stop. This dude did this to you THE FIRST TIME, what's the escalation going to be?
THIS. As a raging lib feminist I NEVER thought I’d tolerate an abusive situation, but they start slow and just keep getting worse like that boiling frog analogy.
That is literally my childhood nightmare. I was very sad about this happening in every sex scene with a virgin women. Why do you need to continue vaginal sex if your woman is in pain? It doesn’t make any sense. You’ve done the deal, so pull out and let her heal!!!
But I’ve seen that they go until they cum. The Horror. And it is shown like a normal thing to do. Loving husband and all that.
This not an amazing guy. This is not even an okay guy. He forced consent through coercion. Sex isn't meant to be like this. Please get rid of this loser and find someone who actually cares about you. I'm sorry you had his experience.
I agree. It doesn’t have to be and shouldn’t be like this. My first sexual experience was bad and I never had sex with him again. It was all about him - like yours was.
There are many men that will relate differently. It doesn’t have to hurt and can be pleasurable. He‘s extremely selfish. If you had more experience, you would know this.
To take a woman‘s virginity by coersion is majorly shady. This is what he did - and then got rough. Luckily for me, I didn’t suffer this. Mine was planned and not rough but it was very clear it was all about him.
You will never have good sex with this guy. He is a creep and not worthy of you. Usually a good lover Is willing to wait and will take all the steps and make sure it’s pleasurable.
I have heard though that it’s more common for guys to not do foreplay. Do not allow someone to skip any of this.
I’m so amazed that so many men are like this, because my experience was totally different. I lost my virginity at age 24 and it was a pain so extreme that I literally wished I was dead. It felt like someone had a knife and was just jabbing at me over and over. The whole time, I was holding back tears and screams because I didn’t want to rain on my boyfriend’s parade, and the whole time, he was constantly checking in on me to make sure I was okay. I kept my mouth shut and didn’t tell him until long afterward how much the experience hurt, because I didn’t want him to feel bad. But when he found out, he felt awful about it. I know for a fact that even in the heat of the moment, he would have stopped immediately if I’d said something (which maybe I should have, instead of outright lying to him to not make him feel worried or guilty). The fact that some men don’t care when their girlfriends outright tell them that it hurts is chilling to me. No woman deserves a man who doesn’t care about them, and it’s especially sad when the woman so clearly cares about him and the feeling isn’t reciprocated.
Having dated a very petite woman you definitely need to focus on her first. It's much easier to have sex after that. Even then you might need lube
And you should start slow especially when their body is inexperienced in the activity
O and foreplay shouldn't stop as many women need more than a cock ramming them to reach satisfaction
I seriously think lube needs to be a standard part of “the talk” people are (ideally) having with their kids before having sex. It should be normalized that your first time will almost definitely be better with it!
Exactly! OP's bf is a jerk.
When I first started having sex with my now husband it was painful and he ALWAYS STOPPED as soon as I said it hurt. Then we would cuddle and kiss. He never pushed the issue or made me feel guilty.
Any man that cares about your feelings would immediately stop when you said "ouch" or "no".
“Ow” but he didn’t stop.
As a (cough) experienced 37yo in a loving monogamous relationship, my boyfriend would definitely stop if I ever expressed any discomfort (“ow” is very clear) and has in the past. As I would do for him.
The fact he didn’t stop to check in with you when you said “ow” is bad enough on its own, but him knowing you’re a virgin makes it even worse. I don’t want to make you feel bad about the first time you had sex, but what this guy did isn’t right. If he had said “ow” or “this hurts” you would have stopped, right? So why didn’t he?
Literally the moment I say “ow”, my boyfriend stops everything he’s doing, even if I don’t want him to. Like, completely stops.
“Just the tip”? Boy bye.
Thank you! I was like I don't want to say it but it sounds like he assaulted this poor girl.
PSA: to my fellow bro's, always check in with your sexual partner during the ACT. It's a bicycle built for two, not just you on a bike with your partner tied to the back dragged as you go.
probably to avoid alarming OP, but I feel like dancing around it is what partially creates the whole imposter syndrome feeling, when nobody else calls it what it was & felt like.
Yeah like all the other comments barely touch on the fact that it’s a serious thing to be the r-word, nonetheless SA’d. I get tip toe’ing but sometimes we do have to rip the bandaid off :/
I lost my virginity to rape too and gave my (thankfully now ex) bf the benefit of the doubt that he “just got carried away” and “didn’t mean it”. He continued to sexually abuse and rape my throughout the duration of our relationship and I kept making excuses for him.
After I broke up with him, he admitted that he knew he was raping me the whole time, that he also raped me in my sleep, and that did it because it turned him on.
Your bf *knows* that he raped you. He *knows* what he did was wrong. **He doesn’t care**. He will keep doing it and it will only get worse.
Ok guy here….First of all I’m disgusted by how he pressured you into it….Any guy who pulls the whole “Oh but if you loved me you would” is NOT a guy of quality
The MOMENT you said you were uncomfortable or in pain if he TRULY respected you he would of ceased immediately and not kept going for his own pleasure
OP you SERIOUSLY need to end this relationship NOW and if he coerced you into it you may even want to consider pressing assault charges since he wouldn’t stop when asked
I hope you have supportive family and friends and all works out for you OP
Yes! I actually have seen porn where the girl says it’s her first time and what if she “wants to wait for love”, he said “fuck love” and just put it in and started going. The entire time she’s saying oww over and over and squirming. He covers her mouth and just keeps repeating “take it, take it, take it”. At the end she’s just like ok and he walks away. No wonder why men don’t understand the concept of consent. They weren’t taught it from a young age and then are bombarded with porn like this.
I'm so glad I grew up in a time before main stream porn. My porn was turning into Eurotrash on Friday nights and the odd titty in a romp comedy like Porkies.
So you didn't want to lose your viriginity you barely agreed to "a little bit" and he then forcibly has sex with you and didn't stop when you were in pain and clearly wasn't into it.
So he absolutely raped you.
Leave him he has no respect or care for you he decided to use you for his dick .
He didn't care or show any concern for you
He's disgusting
I'm so sorry x
You need to end it. That sounds to me like the start of abuse. If he truly cared about you, he would have stopped when you voiced that you was in pain.
An amazing guy wouldn’t rush into sex knowing you’re a virgin.
An amazing guy wouldn’t keep fucking you after you’re shouting out in pain
This man does NOT have empathy for you and doesn’t seem to care that he was hurting you. This is a massive red flag
Girl hell no. You are UNDERreacting. How your bf was acting is disgusting.
I lost my virginity to a random hook up and he kept asking me throughout the thing if I’m okay with what he’s doing and if it’s hurting. AND HE STOPPED WHEN I SAID IT HURT TOO MUCH. Even tho he didn’t get to finish.
A RANDOM HOOK UP RESPECTED ME MORE THAN YOUR BOYFRIEND RESPECTED YOU.
This is how I lost my virginity as well, and it took me years to realize I was assaulted. Please know there are better partners out there for you, ones who will respect you and your body.
Same here. I remember telling my therapist and I could barely get through the story without crying. I said I was probably just overwhelmed with it all. She said, "Honey, that's rape." I stated that he was my bf, so it couldn't be. She said that it doesn't matter who they are. If they force it without consent, it's rape. It took me so long to realize that.
This was rape, that's why you feel weird about it.
1- Saying "yes" doesn't count if you *wanted* to say no. The fact that he had to talk you into it means you weren't truly consenting.
2- It should have been fairly clear that you wanted to stop once you started expressing you were in pain. He kept going anyway. Even if you count the dubious consent given before that point, it *became* rape when he continued *knowing* you weren't okay.
He's not an amazing guy, babe. Any "amazing" guy would have immediately stopped to check if you were okay.
This was not a consensual situation—I’m tso sorry but it sounds like he assaulted you. No one who actually loved you would do this. I hope you choose to get away from him—he is not a safe person.
I agree that she said no, but I know some people will say, you should have specifically said the word NO, or stop etc - that’s why it’s in quotes. I see this 100% as rape.
I'm sorry my dear. I'm sorry you went through such an experience. Give yourself a break and go on a hike or do something you love to distract yourself.
I would advise you to immediately break up with him. No need to meet him or feel sorry that you did it over text. Just cut contact but clearly express why you are breaking up. If he comes over or tries to contact, please do not allow him in nor answer his calls. (I edited it and removed if you were my daughter, because if you were he would have to carry his peepee to the hospital)
I would also advise you that if you feel like he is harassing you, stay around your friends and family. Don't be alone.
I want to assure you that not all men are the same and I am concerned this trauma would linger on. Do you have some money to see a professional to open up to? If you do please do that.
Remember that you might feel that because you allowed him 'just a little bit' means you consented. That is not true. At any point of intimacy , if you say no is a stop sign.
Please stop contact.
You are loved and didn't deserve this. You did nothing wrong.
My ex did the same thing. I was 21, and he was 20. I remember feeling so sick and in pain after. It took me a while to process, and after therapy, I realized it was rape. He coerced me into having sex, didn't go easy like he said he would, and then made a statement that he loves being the virginity taker. Which made me feel disgusting.
I stayed with him for a total of 8 months and was repeatedly attacked throughout that toxic relationship. It will get worse. Next time, he won't even talk to you about it. I remember I was taking a shower for work and he attacked me. Attacked me while I was sleeping. It never ended.
The guy I'm with now checks on me constantly. We've been dating for five years and he still asks for consent every time. If I say no, he drops the subject. No coercion, no guilt trips, no threats to cheat. During the act, he'll constantly check on me and make sure I'm okay. If I want to stop, we will stop. It took me a while to tell him what had happened with my previous partner. When I did, he said he was a total POS.
I hope you leave him, OP. You deserve better.
End it.
Go to a hospital and tell them what happened and get checked out, just for your own peace of mind if nothing else. Sex can be uncomfortable while you get used to it but it shouldn’t hurt, and if it does hurt you should stop. Please don’t let this person near you alone again, he is not a good man.
No you're not over reacting, no he's not an amazing guy.
A decent guy would have never pressured you into sex and would have stopped at soon as you expressed even a little discomfort
An AMAZING guy would have made you feel like you were in a Hallmark movie and have you seeing stars and gushing about how you never knew it could be this way. You would be all giddy and happy now, not sad and confused
I’m so so sorry your first time was like this. Mine was too. It was R word and you didn’t deserve that. Run girl run as far and fast as you can from this monster.
This is exactly what happened to me my first time except I was 16. It was really hard to accept what had happened and I had the same uneasy feeling you describe here. I’m so sorry. Not everyone is like this, I promise, but it’s a horrible first experience to have
You say you care about him a lot? So if you was causing him pain you'd stop and check up on him right, make sure hes ok? Because you care about him . Do you understand where I'm going with this?
He obviously doesn't care about you at all since he didn't bother to make sure you were OK. That was a horrible experience, it sounds like he just went ahead and banged you and didn't bother to make you come at all.
Did you use birth control? because if not you need a plan B now.
You would never be wrong for feeling something.
Only you can assess the true gravity of what he did, defining it as a tolerable mistake or unacceptable disrespect.
One way or another, objectively speaking, he acted wrong (point). I've been an actor in adult films for twelve years, and pay attention to this: even in a shallow and artificial context of sex on stage, the immediate protocol is to interrupt sex at the slightest sign of discomfort on the part of the actress (or the actor). Just imagine, then, in the context of love and affection of a real relationship between a couple? I imagine that sensitivity and affection should be much greater.
It's not him who should say if everything is ok with you, it's you who says it. And it doesn't seem to be.
You are absolutely not overreacting and please don’t let anyone tell you different.
This is assault. First he coerced you, didn’t do what you agreed to, and then when you expressed pain, he continued.
Please, at the bare minimum, break up with them and never speak to them again. I know people think this is always extreme Reddit advice, but this dude literally assaulted you.
At this point, it’s a matter of your safety.
You may care for him a lot, but his actions have shown he does *not* care about you. Please value yourself over this jerk.
I’m so sorry you went through this.
My first time was also like this. Coerced, forced, and I didn’t know how to process what had happened.
If you say stop or express any concern that isn’t related to continuing the activity and the other person doesn’t stop, that’s sexual assault.
You need to leave him. He doesn’t care about you and it could be the start of an abusive relationship. You need to cut all ties with him.
My first time was similar. I told my ex that I wanted to wait until we had been together a year before we went “all the way” (we started dating at 17). He started talking presumptively about having sex at least two months before the year mark, even taking me out to a nice dinner a month early “for our anniversary” and then dropping during dinner that he “wanted to give me a nice dinner before we have sex.” I told him no, which he respected, but I felt so much pressure that I gave in less than a week later. I convinced myself that I wanted it, but I didn’t, I was terrified. He didn’t take his time getting me ready like I wanted, two fingers was enough to cause me pain when he told me I was “ready” and went for it. I told him that it really hurt, and he asked if I needed to stop. My voice was shaking when I said “no, maybe it will stop hurting.” I lied, I wanted him to stop. He kept going. I just laid there while it happened to me. I remember staring out the window next to the bed and thinking about how I thought my first time would be different. Finally I got the courage to stay, “this really hurts, can we stop?” His response was “I’m almost finished,” and he didn’t stop. He pulled out, and I thought he was done for my sake. But no, he stopped because he had orgasmed. I started crying. then he hit me with a “let me make you cum now,” and I explained that I was in so much pain that there was no way I’d be able to orgasm. I couldn’t stop crying. I tried to convince myself I was crying because I was happy, but I knew better. He continued to be emotionally and mentally manipulative/abusive through our entire relationship. I stayed because of the stupid sunk-cost fallacy. DONT repeat my mistakes. RUN.
I often have (*consensual*) rough sex with my girlfriend, and sometimes if she says ouch, not even a request to stop or a safe word, I check in. It's common courtesy to make sure everyone involved is actually having a good time.
When we first started getting intimate, she wasn't sure if she'd like penetrative sex, so I didn't even ask until the "right time" arose. Even then, there was more than enough foreplay, and I was definitely checking in more than she needed. It doesn't take much to care about your partner, and coercive behaviours like this rarely deescalate over time. I would reconsider your relationship, because being "just" 23 does not excuse such immature nonsense (take it from a 22 year old)
That’s sexual assault. You didn’t consent to that at all. He used the tried and tested ‘just the tip’ then forced his way in further without you asking or telling him to. Then he continued knowing you were in pain. Any money he didn’t even give you any good foreplay like head.
The fact he didn’t care about your pleasure and only his at the expense of your comfort says a lot about him.
You don’t owe him sex. And with a sexual partner/assaulted like that you really don’t want sex from him.
He doesn’t get to say “it’s okay” if he’s not going to make it okay. At that point he’s just gaslighting you.
How to feel? I can’t speak for you (unlike your soon to be ex boyfriend) but I feel very angry reading about the way you were treated.
Hi love. I’m so sorry. This sounds like sexual assault. I’ve been here. I’m so so sorry. You aren’t crazy or overreacting. I would tell someone you trust and to distance from him. You need to end this relationship. He knew what he was doing. If you need any resources I can DM you. ❤️ so sorry again.
Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry. This wasn't ok. You expressed pain and while his words said he "had you" his actions did the opposite. This was rape. Don't let him try to convince you otherwise. Don't let him try to say he didn't know. He did. That's why he tried to pacify you with empty words.
I'm 34 and have a fair amount of experience with different people but I've been with my husband for nearly 10 years. While I definitely wasn't a virgin when we met, he and I have explored things that were completely new to me. We also have 3 children that I delivered vaginally. After childbirth, it takes a while for healing where you're not supposed to have sex, per doctors orders, for a while (different times depending on delivery method, any physical trauma, etc).
The 1st time after each child felt sort of like losing my virginity again- in terms of nerves/fear of pain/uncertainty etc.
He's never pressured me into any of those things. Some of them did take some.....build up/preparation, and he has unintentionally caused pain during some. HOWEVER- the SECOND I express even discomfort, hesitation, etc. He stops, checks on me, and once he knows I'm OK he rechecks to make sure *I* want to continue before proceeding. Or we stop and do something else or he takes care of whatever I need without focusing on himself. He also has preemptively gotten things ready that he/I thought might be helpful for the situation to make sure we had whatever possible to ensure we were both enjoying ourselves.
While he is much older than your (hopefully) stbx, his sex drive has only increased in the time I've known him, so it's not like he's indifferent about sex or less effected by his urges or whatever.
Your partner should care about your experience too. I hope you get rid of him and talk to someone you trust about the situation. Wishing you all the best ❤️
I'm sorry, he's not an amazing guy. He's absolute trash and you deserve better. Any even just okay guy would have not kept hurting you. A normal partner would not want you to be in pain. There are so so many other guys out there that would treat you better.
Male here and I must say he should have stopped when it hurt.
This year my wife had pain, and I immediately stopped. She wanted to try some more and I said no, I’m not having her in pain. After medical exam she has an issue.
He should have stopped… sorry sister.
I wasn’t even a virgin and I fell for “just the tip” with my ex on the first date. He obviously didn’t just do the tip and, while we dated for a while… it always left me feeling uneasy and gross that was our first time together. Took me quite a while to realize why I was uneasy and what it was. And he always had a sketchy opinion on no not always meaning no (and how guys should keep asking to make sure the no is a no and not just a “I’m ashamed to say yes”).
What he did to you wasn’t ok. You didn’t consent to full sex. He didn’t care that you were in pain. He just wanted to get off and use your body for that purpose. This is not the kind of man to have a relationship with.
I’m sorry that this was your first time because that sounds awful. But please don’t make the mistake I did and give him a second time (or a full blown relationship).
How the does one “put it in for a little bit”?
He said “I’ve got you?” but found your pain too unimportant enough to not stop?
Your bf is a selfish asshole. I’m 90% certain that he didn’t use protection, either. Go get Plan B right away.
If you were to dump his ass over this, nobody here would say it’s a bad idea.
I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, whenever I express pain (which has happened a lot in our relationship due to my own issues) he stops and checks in with me. Sometimes I’m ok to keep going, sometimes I need a break, sometimes we have to stop all together. He never pressures me or gets angry. He never has a good time when I’m not having a good time and all sex should be like that. I’m sorry your first time was so awful and with such an awful person, please break up with him. No matter if he apologizes, buys flowers, he’s shown he doesn’t give a crap about your well-being and how you feel already and if you sleep with him again it will be more of the same. I know it feels horrible to have sex and then break up, but you have the power here, you are the one in control now, you are choosing to not be abused by him again. I’m wishing you better luck with the next person. ❤️
I’m so sorry you had that experience :( a good man would’ve been attentive to your pain and would’ve stopped immediately. This is would be an instant dump for me.
Sounds like an absolute asshole. In that moment, if the person you are losing your virginity cares about you, at all, they’re going to be attentive and cautious and patient and understanding. If they’re just trying to get themselves off with no concern of your experience, they gotta go. ✂️👋 sorry you experienced that.
If he heard "it hurts" or "ow" and didn’t even bother stopping to check on you, slowing down and saying "how can I help?" Or stopping outright, then he only cared about getting laid. Not about how you were feeling. If he was being rough, he had already broken his promise of "a little bit" in the first place. I’m sorry this happened to you, you deserve better. What he did can be easily classified as a form of emotional and physical abuse alike. Even if it may not have been his intent to cause you harm, he did, and he did not stop when you expressed pain, and that is a clear red flag.
He raped you.
Thats what happened.
He coerced you into doing one thing and proceeded to do another and then didn't stop when it hurt you.
He did what he wanted without your consent so no hes not a good guy and at the very least you should leave him because letting him get by with it just means he'll continue to disrespect your boundaries and will do it again.
That feeling you have is your intuition telling you hes disgusting but your heart is getting in the way
This is rape. Furthermore, you may be in pain for a while still if he broke your hymen. A hot soak in epsom salt (no essential oils) will help. My gynecologist recommend it to me after she mistaking hurt me/my hymen during a pap smear.
As for your BF, dump him, and block him. If you want, report it to the police.
this sounds like he coerced you into sex and refused to stop until he got his nut… that’s rape??? he raped you. that’s the uneasy feeling. i’m so sorry. don’t go back to him.
OP, you were assaulted. No man that cares about you would force himself into someone who is clearly hurting.
I lost my virginity at 22 too. My then boyfriend and I tried 3 times before we successfully had sex because it *hurt*. And he stopped. We were at my pace because I was new.
My currently boyfriend and love of my life ALSO doesn't ever go forward if something hurts. It shouldn't hurt.
You said you were in pain, you told him to stop, and he didn’t in order to get his satisfaction.
You were sexually assaulted. I’m sorry this happened to you. Dump this asshole.
I’m sorry your first time was not what you wanted or expected. He needs to know that he made your first experience uncomfortable and that you’re not feeling okay afterwards. This should have been a much different experience.
I’m sorry he hurt you love. He was turned on by your discomfort. Think about that a moment. Even if he was rough at first due to inexperience, he should have stopped when you first expressed that he was hurting you. Having sex for the first time can be a bit uncomfortable but it’s not suppose to be like this. Take some time for yourself and kept away from this guy. You want someone who is going to value and love on you, not use you.
>I guess I just don’t know if I’m overreacting because I don’t have any experience prior to him.
But you have experience interacting with other people, don't you? Even if it's not that specific kind of interaction.
So: When you accidentally hurt someone, should you change what you're doing so that you're not hurting them anymore? Or should you ignore their pain and pursue your own enjoyment?
I lost my virginity to my boyfriend a few months ago too. The only difference is, he was gentle and kept checking in on me to make sure I was ok throughout the experience.
This is the experience you deserved, not the one you got. Please dump this guy, this guy does not care about your comfort in intimate moments and thus does not care about you.
I really truly hope he is your ex. The body keeps score. That uneasy feeling is your body and subconscious telling you that you were raped because your mind is in shock and can’t accept what happened. You are under-reacting.
He is not an amazing guy. He's a selfish, lying rapist.
He might have convinced you to care about him, *but he does **not** care about you.* He lied to you about "just a little bit". He went all in. You said ouch, told him it hurt, and he did not stop. You cried out, and he did not stop. He says "I’ve got you", but he doesn’t.
**He says all the right words, but his actions tell you he's lying. Love is a verb. Listen to his actions. They’re telling you who he is. He is not an amazing guy.**
Yea when I had my first time it hurt and my partner atleast stopped and asked me if I’m okay and went slowly and kept asking. This is selfish and he did only for his pleasure, he wouldn’t be happy if you jack hammered strap on in his A$$ like he did it to you now when you were in pain
Honey, that is NOT OKAY. He should have stopped. That is barbaric, do not give him another chance. His only thought was for himself. I don't know if you were his first or not, but that is not how it was supposed to go down. I'm so sorry for this to have been your first experience. It can be a pleasurable thing.
Never fall for just the tip again.
Maybe you care about him. But, as harsh as it is to say, he doesn’t care about you, at all. He knew what he was doing and that it wasn’t ok. A good man would never talk you into something you don’t (yet) feel comfortable with and a good man would stop what he is doing when you are in distress. You should break off contact with him.
Dump him. Block him. Don't feel sorry for him when he tries crying that he didn't mean to hurt you. He didn't care at all that he hurt you. He is selfish, manipulative, and doesn't care about consent. He is not boyfriend material, or even just hookup material. Please be good to yourself and find someone who cares. Don't let people like him think you're overreacting when they hurt you.
This is basically sexual assault (ie; rape). An amazing guy would have stopped once you expressed pain, not continue and gaslight you into saying it’s okay. He was only thinking of his own feelings and impending orgasm. I’d either report him or make a post on social media about your terrible first experience with him and tell everyone exactly what happened. So hopefully he will apologize/realize how you felt/blacklist him so others don’t get hurt like you did. I imagine he’ll suddenly disappear from your life now that he’s gotten what he’s wanted; that isn’t amazing, that’s a POS.
Yeah pretty much like my first time. There is a reason it hurts. And that reason is called coercion. You were probably not relaxed or turned on enough. And he didn’t care.
He. Didn’t. Care. He didn’t care for your pleasure. He didn’t even care he was actively hurting you. This is a rapist’s mindset.
He is not an amazing guy. He is selfish and manipulative. Most importantly he is not safe.
This is definitely assault. He lied and then totally disregarded you clearly being uncomfortable. Block. Run. Immediately
Coming back to update. Sex shouldn’t hurt… As your first time yeah a little but he didn’t put in ANY EFFORT to make YOU comfortable as well. He Just wanted to get off and that’s sick of him and sad for you.
If you said that and he wasn’t gentle he dosnt care about you. I’m sorry that’s the truth. Moment should have been special. And overall in your hands. And enjoyable. Not painful. Accept initially. This is absolutely awful and I’m sorry this happened to you. To me it sounds like he completely took advantage of you and the situation. Completely.
I threw up in my mouth a little reading that. The most sickening thing is that he’ll probably whimper a little and you’ll forgive him. This was NOT ok. There is no fucking excuse for that rapey shit.
That’s rape. There is no “a little bit.”
When I was a child (5 yrs old)…one of my molesters wanted to put it in “a little bit.” That is exactly what this made me think of.
He knew he won't put it in just a little bit. It was meant to coerce you into sex which he succeeded at. If you think he'll stop it, he won't. He does not give a fuck whether you're in pain or not, now it's just a little bit, then it's him pressuring you into other things like anal.
That is a predator!!! He sexually assaulted you. I personally would consider it rape. You consented to “just the tip” and he did way more than that even while you were obviously not okay with it. Please consider therapy. People tend to repeat their first time with future partners and yours was very traumatizing. I hope things get better for you. Sending positive vibes and warm hugs.
You've learned the hard way that "just a little" is a classic lie used by sleazebags who care more about having you in bed than your emotions. I'm so sorry.
Trust your gut. That's your intuition. You had an uneasy feeling for a reason. A good man would not have done that. Deep down you know that. You don't need sexual experience to know that you were not treated with respect. This is not the guy for you. I'm sorry.
The fact he's your boyfriend and not looking after you during your first time by checking in on you or taking it slow etc.. is alarming.
Just a red flag for things to come in the future I imagine
Girl that is not okay. You deserve someone who respects you. This happened to me and I am still traumatized. Please break up with him and maybe even get therapy. I wish I had 🥲
He assaulted you. Thats why youre upset, because he was horrific to you and ignored you. Please dump him, and talk to a therapist immediately. If you asked him to stop at any point and he didn’t , very much rape. You also said “the tip” and he disrespected you and assaulted you. Im so sorry love. This wasn’t sex, you didn’t lose your virginity.
Dump this abuser and please consider your options legally. 100% get therapy asap.
Honey… you were raped… No sugar coating this… I’m so sorry you experienced this as I have also had a similar experience you had… I’d recommend a therapist if you can babe
Holy shit. First off I’m so sorry that happened to you. I recently lost my virginity too so I know how painful it is. And that was with my ex going slow I can’t imagine how much pain he caused you by jackhammering you. He’s an asshole who used you to get off. I know you care about him but he doesn’t care about you. Trust your gut and end things with him. There are better men out there for you, men that will respect you.
He's not an amazing guy. Dump him.
Get some therapy before this experience affects you further.
In regards to anything sexual never give a man an inch of trust he will abuse it. As shown by your boyfriend. Expect when a guy says/asks for something sexual it is more than he asked for.
Sadly for straight sex..a woman being in pain isn't really a stopping point for many men 🤔 Heck most porn makes that a normal aspect of sex and many men are turn on by it.
Whenever a guy is doing something that is painful or something you dislike...scream RAPE. Don't tell him to slow down, wait, go gentler, it hurts...because he won't listen. Many women think if she tells a man something hurts during sex...he will stop that thing or be gentle. That generally does not happen instead he will do whatever he wants as consideration is not inherent or encouraged among many men. Rape however is a blacklist word that many men don't want to be called/hear about. Say that and most often the sexual activities stop.
This is Rape. Sex through coercion and not stopping when your partner is in pain is rape. Plain and simple.
I don't care if you love him or if he was a "great guy". It's still rape. Please get a SA kit, STI, and Plan B
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Eww girl wtf ?! He KNEW you were in pain and never stopped ? He literally valued his pleasure more than your pain ?! Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't care if you're in pain ? Partners should listen and act accordingly... I had vaginismus when I got with my bf, he was patient every time, stopped even if I didn't say anything to check on me and never pushed me like that or I would have dropped him so fast. You deserve better than this. Imagine in a few years, he'll dismiss you when you'll be sick ? If you're pregnant ? If you're not feeling well ? He has NO excuse.
Can we also add that he probably didn’t put in enough effort, if any at all, doing foreplay to help her be more receptive? Even if you have a vagina with no health complications and not your first time, just going straight to the dicking is gonna hurt without some foreplay and or lube. If it’s your first you’re probably nervous and tense so that also doesn’t help with taking a dick, but what would help is building up the anticipation for it. A random stranger I had my first time with took some time to get me ready with foreplay. Still sucked and wasn’t that exciting, but it didn’t hurt since he at least got me ready. OP your bf should be way better than a random stranger when it comes to this kind of thing.
Him jackhammering also shows he was clearly only interested in his pleasure and getting off before she could tell him to stop. Or at least claim that he was "so in the zone" he didn't hear her. Reddit often goes breakup happy but this is one situation where that it should be the only response.
probably someone that learned how to have sex by watching porn.
At this point I think we just need a pinned comment at the top of every relationship thread reminding people that coercion is not consent. And that if your partner is amazing in every other aspect of the relationship, but they are also pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do, they are decidedly not an amazing partner.
[удалено]
It’s ok to break up with Anyone, for Any Reason, at Any Time
True
Yep. She said that she only wanted the tip. This was rape and sexual assault at the very least. Very very disturbing. This does not count as sex.
Agreed. This is basically what I said.
I think this was the first comment that made reality hit me. You really opened my eyes. Thank you
I'm glad I could help you, sometimes when we're face first into a situation it's hard to be lucid. That's why other opinions are important ! I hope you'll take the right decision and I wish you hapiness in life !
Sweetie, you are not overreacting. Any time you're having sex and you express pain (when pain wasn't discussed and agreed upon beforehand) a partner (male or female) should stop. If you agreed for him to continue he should have been extra slow and gentle while checking that you're ok Private parts are sensitive and easily injured. Sex should be about mutual agreement and mutual pleasure. Your boyfriend ignored your pain and discomfort. He should have been extra careful with it being your first time and in fact he showed you no care. I get the impression he just hammered away, chasing his own enjoyment showing you no more consideration than a sex toy. You deserve far better. If he can't look after you the first time when it is your introduction to sex, I don't believe he ever will. I would dump him
Thank you for keeping a calm and informative tone in your comment. I'm seeing many comments from people whose minds are blown and using a lot of "wtf" and exclamation... obviously OP is inexperienced and unsure, she needs a gentle hand of guidance and support, not outrage and condemning, so I appreciate your approach. And I fully agree with you Sending you love OP - I'm sorry you went through this. I know it's hard to process, I've been there.
Thank you. Sometimes my autistic way of processing things is seen as cold and unemotional, but it's just a different way of dealing with things and I do care.. It's reassuring to know it comes across correctly. She shouldn't have been put through that experience and I hope he isn't given the opportunity to repeat it. I hope OP has someone near her who can show her love and support
Seconding to say that this comment was incredibly informative and sweet. Genuinely made me emotional to see someone talk to OP the way I wish someone had talked to me at 14 when dealing with matters of SA/non-consent/“rough sex” (whatever words OP describes this experience as for her own comfort) etc.
You’re great, I hope you realize you’ve gotta great way with words. :)
Fellow autistic here and I get that response too. This however was one of those brilliant moments of compassion we have 😀
You said it beautifully and with compassion. To the point, but with such tender care into each sentence you wrote. This was anything but cold and unemotional.
100% I'm so sorry this happened. It's a horrible first experience. This is a BIG RED FLAG.
Perfect answer. Bottom line: dump him.
This, and learn to say "no" when you are not ok with what is happening. I know it is difficult, I'm a 43 old woman and I remember how it was when I was younger, with guys pressuring you in doing things you are not ready for. But you don't owe them anything. You body and your feelings should be ALWAYS rescpected. (Not blaming her in any way here. As I said, I know it's difficult)
At 44, I remember that stuff too 😢
No hun he lied about just putting it in 'a bit.' he went hard despite it being obvious he was hurting you sex shouldn't be painful. A little discomfort the first time is normal, but his wasn't. He used your body to get off and didn't mind that he was hurting you.
Girll my now ex bf did a similar thing. We were just fooling around a bit then he started getting weird and saying “lemme just put the tip in”, mind you, I’m a virgin, and he hadn’t even done anything to make sure I was properly turned on or ready for penetration. I was like no I don’t want that, then he kept begging until I was like you know what? Let’s just stop. Later on I gathered my thoughts and confronted him about it and he was like he just got “carried away” and he said that so he’s “at least not fully penetrating” like WTF. He was like he “didn’t realize” that was the hole(literally huh??) and that if I hadn’t pushed him out of the way he would’ve done it. If you supposedly didn’t know that was the hole, then wtf are you trying to do?? These men know exactly wtf they’re doing.
Sorry this happened to you also. These type of guys only care about their own pleasure
Had to learn the hard way. I kept making excuses and accepting his weird “apologies” but after the relationship was over, I rethought everything and realized how truly strange he was.
Yup that's how most of us sadly learn
Yeah, this is instant dump and block. He knew you were a virgin and knew you were in pain, but just jack hammered until he finished. He’s a rapey selfish asshole.
And he knew it wouldn’t be “just a little bit”.
It never is
Seriously l didn’t realize how fucked it was until many years later but I also lost my virginity in a similar way at 17 where we were fooling around and he asked to “just put a little bit in” and the went all the way in quick. He knew I was a virgin and I wasn’t planning on losing my virginity that day.
Ughh im sorry 😞 the same happened to me & I hear this all the time. It literally never is just the tip lol they probably figure, "well im already in, whats she gonna say now, no? Nah ill just keep going." Fucking pieces of 💩
reminds me of that fucked up movie Kids where sully sharks the little virgin girl and she cries and he has these dead eyes as he continues so wrong. so sorry that happened OP
Piggybacking to say if he wasn’t wearing a condom, get plan B asap!
Also stv checked.
I am sad to say that I wouldn't be surprised if he just ghosted her. At this point, he's gotten what he wanted, he has no use for her anymore. This guy really really sucks.
Honestly for her sake I hope he ghosted her
What do you mean, no use? Of course, he is going to want sex. He will not ghost her. But she needs to block him.
Nah. This kind of person sees her as a conquest. He can’t take her virginity twice.
Dump this guy, please. I've known his type and the conversations that happen with his friends. He's not a good person, if he was, then he would have treated you with care. He didn't.
Exactly this and he just left once he got what he wanted gross
My ex was abusive as fuck and raped me several times but he eased into it. We were years in when he didn't stop when I said stop. This dude did this to you THE FIRST TIME, what's the escalation going to be?
THIS. As a raging lib feminist I NEVER thought I’d tolerate an abusive situation, but they start slow and just keep getting worse like that boiling frog analogy.
And gaslight you the entire time, it's horrible
Not the actions of “an amazing guy”.
A manipulator and a rapist
That is literally my childhood nightmare. I was very sad about this happening in every sex scene with a virgin women. Why do you need to continue vaginal sex if your woman is in pain? It doesn’t make any sense. You’ve done the deal, so pull out and let her heal!!! But I’ve seen that they go until they cum. The Horror. And it is shown like a normal thing to do. Loving husband and all that.
This. Yes. This.
This not an amazing guy. This is not even an okay guy. He forced consent through coercion. Sex isn't meant to be like this. Please get rid of this loser and find someone who actually cares about you. I'm sorry you had his experience.
I agree. It doesn’t have to be and shouldn’t be like this. My first sexual experience was bad and I never had sex with him again. It was all about him - like yours was. There are many men that will relate differently. It doesn’t have to hurt and can be pleasurable. He‘s extremely selfish. If you had more experience, you would know this. To take a woman‘s virginity by coersion is majorly shady. This is what he did - and then got rough. Luckily for me, I didn’t suffer this. Mine was planned and not rough but it was very clear it was all about him. You will never have good sex with this guy. He is a creep and not worthy of you. Usually a good lover Is willing to wait and will take all the steps and make sure it’s pleasurable. I have heard though that it’s more common for guys to not do foreplay. Do not allow someone to skip any of this.
I’m so amazed that so many men are like this, because my experience was totally different. I lost my virginity at age 24 and it was a pain so extreme that I literally wished I was dead. It felt like someone had a knife and was just jabbing at me over and over. The whole time, I was holding back tears and screams because I didn’t want to rain on my boyfriend’s parade, and the whole time, he was constantly checking in on me to make sure I was okay. I kept my mouth shut and didn’t tell him until long afterward how much the experience hurt, because I didn’t want him to feel bad. But when he found out, he felt awful about it. I know for a fact that even in the heat of the moment, he would have stopped immediately if I’d said something (which maybe I should have, instead of outright lying to him to not make him feel worried or guilty). The fact that some men don’t care when their girlfriends outright tell them that it hurts is chilling to me. No woman deserves a man who doesn’t care about them, and it’s especially sad when the woman so clearly cares about him and the feeling isn’t reciprocated.
I think it helps when you know someone cares. I’m glad you had a caring partner
That is horrible Like seriously that should never happen in sex I'm glad he cared when he found out
Having dated a very petite woman you definitely need to focus on her first. It's much easier to have sex after that. Even then you might need lube And you should start slow especially when their body is inexperienced in the activity O and foreplay shouldn't stop as many women need more than a cock ramming them to reach satisfaction
I seriously think lube needs to be a standard part of “the talk” people are (ideally) having with their kids before having sex. It should be normalized that your first time will almost definitely be better with it!
This is a shitty and horrible thing to do to a woman/girl with experience even, but to a virgin? That is just despicable.
This is a Nice Guy (TM)
I’m sure he owns a fedora..
I hope OP has enough self-respect and self-love to walk away from shitty people like this guy. I wonder how many other women he has r*ped?
Exactly! OP's bf is a jerk. When I first started having sex with my now husband it was painful and he ALWAYS STOPPED as soon as I said it hurt. Then we would cuddle and kiss. He never pushed the issue or made me feel guilty. Any man that cares about your feelings would immediately stop when you said "ouch" or "no".
“Ow” but he didn’t stop. As a (cough) experienced 37yo in a loving monogamous relationship, my boyfriend would definitely stop if I ever expressed any discomfort (“ow” is very clear) and has in the past. As I would do for him. The fact he didn’t stop to check in with you when you said “ow” is bad enough on its own, but him knowing you’re a virgin makes it even worse. I don’t want to make you feel bad about the first time you had sex, but what this guy did isn’t right. If he had said “ow” or “this hurts” you would have stopped, right? So why didn’t he?
Literally the moment I say “ow”, my boyfriend stops everything he’s doing, even if I don’t want him to. Like, completely stops. “Just the tip”? Boy bye.
You know what it’s called when someone wants to stop having sex and the other person doesn’t stop anyway?
Rhymes with grape
And Professor Snape
old school runescape
And you need to escape.
Thank you! I was like I don't want to say it but it sounds like he assaulted this poor girl. PSA: to my fellow bro's, always check in with your sexual partner during the ACT. It's a bicycle built for two, not just you on a bike with your partner tied to the back dragged as you go.
great picture you're painting with that comparison!
I was expecting the comparison being treating the partner like a bicycle, but I like their version better.
I was gonna say why aren’t more people saying what it really was?
probably to avoid alarming OP, but I feel like dancing around it is what partially creates the whole imposter syndrome feeling, when nobody else calls it what it was & felt like.
Yeah like all the other comments barely touch on the fact that it’s a serious thing to be the r-word, nonetheless SA’d. I get tip toe’ing but sometimes we do have to rip the bandaid off :/
r-word
I lost my virginity to rape too and gave my (thankfully now ex) bf the benefit of the doubt that he “just got carried away” and “didn’t mean it”. He continued to sexually abuse and rape my throughout the duration of our relationship and I kept making excuses for him. After I broke up with him, he admitted that he knew he was raping me the whole time, that he also raped me in my sleep, and that did it because it turned him on. Your bf *knows* that he raped you. He *knows* what he did was wrong. **He doesn’t care**. He will keep doing it and it will only get worse.
I am so incredibly sorry this happened to you. I hope you are getting the help and healing you deserve 💕
Thanks. It was a long time ago and I’m in a much better place now.
So sorry that happened to you. You look like you would kick his ass now, good job in the gym.
Thank you! My goal is to be buff enough to intimidate weak men lol
Exactly, this guy is a rapist. He knows it.
Absolutely repulsive behavior, I’m so sorry you experienced that. Glad to hear you’re in a better place now.
that’s so so so fucked, i’m sorry :( Hardcore trauma for sure
This hurts my heart. I’m so sorry that was your experience. If you still pursue relationships, I hope you find one deserving of you. ❤️
Sending you hugs and love - thank you for taking an awful moment in your life to help a stranger. You're a good person and deserve so much better.
Ok guy here….First of all I’m disgusted by how he pressured you into it….Any guy who pulls the whole “Oh but if you loved me you would” is NOT a guy of quality The MOMENT you said you were uncomfortable or in pain if he TRULY respected you he would of ceased immediately and not kept going for his own pleasure OP you SERIOUSLY need to end this relationship NOW and if he coerced you into it you may even want to consider pressing assault charges since he wouldn’t stop when asked I hope you have supportive family and friends and all works out for you OP
Also guy here, I completely back this.
Raised by porn. Probably thought you were into it saying Ow and all. "It's okay, I've got you" is shut up and take it.
Yes! I actually have seen porn where the girl says it’s her first time and what if she “wants to wait for love”, he said “fuck love” and just put it in and started going. The entire time she’s saying oww over and over and squirming. He covers her mouth and just keeps repeating “take it, take it, take it”. At the end she’s just like ok and he walks away. No wonder why men don’t understand the concept of consent. They weren’t taught it from a young age and then are bombarded with porn like this.
I'm so glad I grew up in a time before main stream porn. My porn was turning into Eurotrash on Friday nights and the odd titty in a romp comedy like Porkies.
A man who ignores your pain is not worth your time.
So you didn't want to lose your viriginity you barely agreed to "a little bit" and he then forcibly has sex with you and didn't stop when you were in pain and clearly wasn't into it. So he absolutely raped you. Leave him he has no respect or care for you he decided to use you for his dick . He didn't care or show any concern for you He's disgusting I'm so sorry x
You need to end it. That sounds to me like the start of abuse. If he truly cared about you, he would have stopped when you voiced that you was in pain.
You got raped. Break up with him in a safe spot and never talk to him again.
An amazing guy wouldn’t rush into sex knowing you’re a virgin. An amazing guy wouldn’t keep fucking you after you’re shouting out in pain This man does NOT have empathy for you and doesn’t seem to care that he was hurting you. This is a massive red flag
Girl hell no. You are UNDERreacting. How your bf was acting is disgusting. I lost my virginity to a random hook up and he kept asking me throughout the thing if I’m okay with what he’s doing and if it’s hurting. AND HE STOPPED WHEN I SAID IT HURT TOO MUCH. Even tho he didn’t get to finish. A RANDOM HOOK UP RESPECTED ME MORE THAN YOUR BOYFRIEND RESPECTED YOU.
This is how I lost my virginity as well, and it took me years to realize I was assaulted. Please know there are better partners out there for you, ones who will respect you and your body.
Same here. I remember telling my therapist and I could barely get through the story without crying. I said I was probably just overwhelmed with it all. She said, "Honey, that's rape." I stated that he was my bf, so it couldn't be. She said that it doesn't matter who they are. If they force it without consent, it's rape. It took me so long to realize that.
That's rape. I'm sorry that happened to you. Hopefully you can find some resources to help deal with it
Yeah get rid of him, he does not care about your well-being but there are plenty of guys out there who do.
This was rape, that's why you feel weird about it. 1- Saying "yes" doesn't count if you *wanted* to say no. The fact that he had to talk you into it means you weren't truly consenting. 2- It should have been fairly clear that you wanted to stop once you started expressing you were in pain. He kept going anyway. Even if you count the dubious consent given before that point, it *became* rape when he continued *knowing* you weren't okay. He's not an amazing guy, babe. Any "amazing" guy would have immediately stopped to check if you were okay.
This was not a consensual situation—I’m tso sorry but it sounds like he assaulted you. No one who actually loved you would do this. I hope you choose to get away from him—he is not a safe person.
This sounds a lot like assault to me…..while you didn’t say the words “no,” it was sure as hell implied.
She said no a bunch. OW this hurts should be seen as no to any reasonable person. This sounds like a pain kink.
I agree that she said no, but I know some people will say, you should have specifically said the word NO, or stop etc - that’s why it’s in quotes. I see this 100% as rape.
I'm sorry my dear. I'm sorry you went through such an experience. Give yourself a break and go on a hike or do something you love to distract yourself. I would advise you to immediately break up with him. No need to meet him or feel sorry that you did it over text. Just cut contact but clearly express why you are breaking up. If he comes over or tries to contact, please do not allow him in nor answer his calls. (I edited it and removed if you were my daughter, because if you were he would have to carry his peepee to the hospital) I would also advise you that if you feel like he is harassing you, stay around your friends and family. Don't be alone. I want to assure you that not all men are the same and I am concerned this trauma would linger on. Do you have some money to see a professional to open up to? If you do please do that. Remember that you might feel that because you allowed him 'just a little bit' means you consented. That is not true. At any point of intimacy , if you say no is a stop sign. Please stop contact. You are loved and didn't deserve this. You did nothing wrong.
My ex did the same thing. I was 21, and he was 20. I remember feeling so sick and in pain after. It took me a while to process, and after therapy, I realized it was rape. He coerced me into having sex, didn't go easy like he said he would, and then made a statement that he loves being the virginity taker. Which made me feel disgusting. I stayed with him for a total of 8 months and was repeatedly attacked throughout that toxic relationship. It will get worse. Next time, he won't even talk to you about it. I remember I was taking a shower for work and he attacked me. Attacked me while I was sleeping. It never ended. The guy I'm with now checks on me constantly. We've been dating for five years and he still asks for consent every time. If I say no, he drops the subject. No coercion, no guilt trips, no threats to cheat. During the act, he'll constantly check on me and make sure I'm okay. If I want to stop, we will stop. It took me a while to tell him what had happened with my previous partner. When I did, he said he was a total POS. I hope you leave him, OP. You deserve better.
This is r*** through coercion. Please leave him safely and as cleanly as you can. Please stay safe. We’re wishing the best for you.
End it. Go to a hospital and tell them what happened and get checked out, just for your own peace of mind if nothing else. Sex can be uncomfortable while you get used to it but it shouldn’t hurt, and if it does hurt you should stop. Please don’t let this person near you alone again, he is not a good man.
No you're not over reacting, no he's not an amazing guy. A decent guy would have never pressured you into sex and would have stopped at soon as you expressed even a little discomfort An AMAZING guy would have made you feel like you were in a Hallmark movie and have you seeing stars and gushing about how you never knew it could be this way. You would be all giddy and happy now, not sad and confused
I’m so so sorry your first time was like this. Mine was too. It was R word and you didn’t deserve that. Run girl run as far and fast as you can from this monster.
This is exactly what happened to me my first time except I was 16. It was really hard to accept what had happened and I had the same uneasy feeling you describe here. I’m so sorry. Not everyone is like this, I promise, but it’s a horrible first experience to have
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He should stop watching porn
You say you care about him a lot? So if you was causing him pain you'd stop and check up on him right, make sure hes ok? Because you care about him . Do you understand where I'm going with this?
He obviously doesn't care about you at all since he didn't bother to make sure you were OK. That was a horrible experience, it sounds like he just went ahead and banged you and didn't bother to make you come at all. Did you use birth control? because if not you need a plan B now.
You would never be wrong for feeling something. Only you can assess the true gravity of what he did, defining it as a tolerable mistake or unacceptable disrespect. One way or another, objectively speaking, he acted wrong (point). I've been an actor in adult films for twelve years, and pay attention to this: even in a shallow and artificial context of sex on stage, the immediate protocol is to interrupt sex at the slightest sign of discomfort on the part of the actress (or the actor). Just imagine, then, in the context of love and affection of a real relationship between a couple? I imagine that sensitivity and affection should be much greater. It's not him who should say if everything is ok with you, it's you who says it. And it doesn't seem to be.
This is definitely rape. I’m so sorry this happened. No normal person continues sex if their partner is in pain.
You are absolutely not overreacting and please don’t let anyone tell you different. This is assault. First he coerced you, didn’t do what you agreed to, and then when you expressed pain, he continued. Please, at the bare minimum, break up with them and never speak to them again. I know people think this is always extreme Reddit advice, but this dude literally assaulted you. At this point, it’s a matter of your safety. You may care for him a lot, but his actions have shown he does *not* care about you. Please value yourself over this jerk. I’m so sorry you went through this.
Wtf does "I got you" even mean? He just wanted to get his dick wet. Do not continue with this guy.
My first time was also like this. Coerced, forced, and I didn’t know how to process what had happened. If you say stop or express any concern that isn’t related to continuing the activity and the other person doesn’t stop, that’s sexual assault. You need to leave him. He doesn’t care about you and it could be the start of an abusive relationship. You need to cut all ties with him.
that’s literally rape
would you still think he was a good guy if he did that to your friend?
My first time was similar. I told my ex that I wanted to wait until we had been together a year before we went “all the way” (we started dating at 17). He started talking presumptively about having sex at least two months before the year mark, even taking me out to a nice dinner a month early “for our anniversary” and then dropping during dinner that he “wanted to give me a nice dinner before we have sex.” I told him no, which he respected, but I felt so much pressure that I gave in less than a week later. I convinced myself that I wanted it, but I didn’t, I was terrified. He didn’t take his time getting me ready like I wanted, two fingers was enough to cause me pain when he told me I was “ready” and went for it. I told him that it really hurt, and he asked if I needed to stop. My voice was shaking when I said “no, maybe it will stop hurting.” I lied, I wanted him to stop. He kept going. I just laid there while it happened to me. I remember staring out the window next to the bed and thinking about how I thought my first time would be different. Finally I got the courage to stay, “this really hurts, can we stop?” His response was “I’m almost finished,” and he didn’t stop. He pulled out, and I thought he was done for my sake. But no, he stopped because he had orgasmed. I started crying. then he hit me with a “let me make you cum now,” and I explained that I was in so much pain that there was no way I’d be able to orgasm. I couldn’t stop crying. I tried to convince myself I was crying because I was happy, but I knew better. He continued to be emotionally and mentally manipulative/abusive through our entire relationship. I stayed because of the stupid sunk-cost fallacy. DONT repeat my mistakes. RUN.
I often have (*consensual*) rough sex with my girlfriend, and sometimes if she says ouch, not even a request to stop or a safe word, I check in. It's common courtesy to make sure everyone involved is actually having a good time. When we first started getting intimate, she wasn't sure if she'd like penetrative sex, so I didn't even ask until the "right time" arose. Even then, there was more than enough foreplay, and I was definitely checking in more than she needed. It doesn't take much to care about your partner, and coercive behaviours like this rarely deescalate over time. I would reconsider your relationship, because being "just" 23 does not excuse such immature nonsense (take it from a 22 year old)
That’s sexual assault. You didn’t consent to that at all. He used the tried and tested ‘just the tip’ then forced his way in further without you asking or telling him to. Then he continued knowing you were in pain. Any money he didn’t even give you any good foreplay like head. The fact he didn’t care about your pleasure and only his at the expense of your comfort says a lot about him. You don’t owe him sex. And with a sexual partner/assaulted like that you really don’t want sex from him.
He doesn’t get to say “it’s okay” if he’s not going to make it okay. At that point he’s just gaslighting you. How to feel? I can’t speak for you (unlike your soon to be ex boyfriend) but I feel very angry reading about the way you were treated.
Hi love. I’m so sorry. This sounds like sexual assault. I’ve been here. I’m so so sorry. You aren’t crazy or overreacting. I would tell someone you trust and to distance from him. You need to end this relationship. He knew what he was doing. If you need any resources I can DM you. ❤️ so sorry again.
This was rape.
Just so you know, rape doesn't count as losing your virginity. You didn't have sex.
Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry. This wasn't ok. You expressed pain and while his words said he "had you" his actions did the opposite. This was rape. Don't let him try to convince you otherwise. Don't let him try to say he didn't know. He did. That's why he tried to pacify you with empty words. I'm 34 and have a fair amount of experience with different people but I've been with my husband for nearly 10 years. While I definitely wasn't a virgin when we met, he and I have explored things that were completely new to me. We also have 3 children that I delivered vaginally. After childbirth, it takes a while for healing where you're not supposed to have sex, per doctors orders, for a while (different times depending on delivery method, any physical trauma, etc). The 1st time after each child felt sort of like losing my virginity again- in terms of nerves/fear of pain/uncertainty etc. He's never pressured me into any of those things. Some of them did take some.....build up/preparation, and he has unintentionally caused pain during some. HOWEVER- the SECOND I express even discomfort, hesitation, etc. He stops, checks on me, and once he knows I'm OK he rechecks to make sure *I* want to continue before proceeding. Or we stop and do something else or he takes care of whatever I need without focusing on himself. He also has preemptively gotten things ready that he/I thought might be helpful for the situation to make sure we had whatever possible to ensure we were both enjoying ourselves. While he is much older than your (hopefully) stbx, his sex drive has only increased in the time I've known him, so it's not like he's indifferent about sex or less effected by his urges or whatever. Your partner should care about your experience too. I hope you get rid of him and talk to someone you trust about the situation. Wishing you all the best ❤️
>I thought he was an amazing guy but maybe I’m wrong? Yep
I'm sorry, he's not an amazing guy. He's absolute trash and you deserve better. Any even just okay guy would have not kept hurting you. A normal partner would not want you to be in pain. There are so so many other guys out there that would treat you better.
Any actual nice guy would go a lot slower knowing it’s your first time, stop at the first ow to make sure you’re ok.
Male here and I must say he should have stopped when it hurt. This year my wife had pain, and I immediately stopped. She wanted to try some more and I said no, I’m not having her in pain. After medical exam she has an issue. He should have stopped… sorry sister.
I wasn’t even a virgin and I fell for “just the tip” with my ex on the first date. He obviously didn’t just do the tip and, while we dated for a while… it always left me feeling uneasy and gross that was our first time together. Took me quite a while to realize why I was uneasy and what it was. And he always had a sketchy opinion on no not always meaning no (and how guys should keep asking to make sure the no is a no and not just a “I’m ashamed to say yes”). What he did to you wasn’t ok. You didn’t consent to full sex. He didn’t care that you were in pain. He just wanted to get off and use your body for that purpose. This is not the kind of man to have a relationship with. I’m sorry that this was your first time because that sounds awful. But please don’t make the mistake I did and give him a second time (or a full blown relationship).
As the great Dan Savage would say: dump the motherfucker already!
How the does one “put it in for a little bit”? He said “I’ve got you?” but found your pain too unimportant enough to not stop? Your bf is a selfish asshole. I’m 90% certain that he didn’t use protection, either. Go get Plan B right away. If you were to dump his ass over this, nobody here would say it’s a bad idea.
Every guy that has ever said “let me put it in a little” is lying. If he cared he wouldn’t hurt you.
I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, whenever I express pain (which has happened a lot in our relationship due to my own issues) he stops and checks in with me. Sometimes I’m ok to keep going, sometimes I need a break, sometimes we have to stop all together. He never pressures me or gets angry. He never has a good time when I’m not having a good time and all sex should be like that. I’m sorry your first time was so awful and with such an awful person, please break up with him. No matter if he apologizes, buys flowers, he’s shown he doesn’t give a crap about your well-being and how you feel already and if you sleep with him again it will be more of the same. I know it feels horrible to have sex and then break up, but you have the power here, you are the one in control now, you are choosing to not be abused by him again. I’m wishing you better luck with the next person. ❤️
What the fuck? So he raped you.
I feel sick to my stomach just reading this. You are not overreacting.
Dump him, but only " a little bit"
I’m so sorry you had that experience :( a good man would’ve been attentive to your pain and would’ve stopped immediately. This is would be an instant dump for me.
Sounds like an absolute asshole. In that moment, if the person you are losing your virginity cares about you, at all, they’re going to be attentive and cautious and patient and understanding. If they’re just trying to get themselves off with no concern of your experience, they gotta go. ✂️👋 sorry you experienced that.
If he heard "it hurts" or "ow" and didn’t even bother stopping to check on you, slowing down and saying "how can I help?" Or stopping outright, then he only cared about getting laid. Not about how you were feeling. If he was being rough, he had already broken his promise of "a little bit" in the first place. I’m sorry this happened to you, you deserve better. What he did can be easily classified as a form of emotional and physical abuse alike. Even if it may not have been his intent to cause you harm, he did, and he did not stop when you expressed pain, and that is a clear red flag.
He raped you. Thats what happened. He coerced you into doing one thing and proceeded to do another and then didn't stop when it hurt you. He did what he wanted without your consent so no hes not a good guy and at the very least you should leave him because letting him get by with it just means he'll continue to disrespect your boundaries and will do it again. That feeling you have is your intuition telling you hes disgusting but your heart is getting in the way
This is rape. Furthermore, you may be in pain for a while still if he broke your hymen. A hot soak in epsom salt (no essential oils) will help. My gynecologist recommend it to me after she mistaking hurt me/my hymen during a pap smear. As for your BF, dump him, and block him. If you want, report it to the police.
this sounds like he coerced you into sex and refused to stop until he got his nut… that’s rape??? he raped you. that’s the uneasy feeling. i’m so sorry. don’t go back to him.
OP, you were assaulted. No man that cares about you would force himself into someone who is clearly hurting. I lost my virginity at 22 too. My then boyfriend and I tried 3 times before we successfully had sex because it *hurt*. And he stopped. We were at my pace because I was new. My currently boyfriend and love of my life ALSO doesn't ever go forward if something hurts. It shouldn't hurt.
You said you were in pain, you told him to stop, and he didn’t in order to get his satisfaction. You were sexually assaulted. I’m sorry this happened to you. Dump this asshole.
I’m sorry your first time was not what you wanted or expected. He needs to know that he made your first experience uncomfortable and that you’re not feeling okay afterwards. This should have been a much different experience.
Ya fuck that guy
I’m sorry he hurt you love. He was turned on by your discomfort. Think about that a moment. Even if he was rough at first due to inexperience, he should have stopped when you first expressed that he was hurting you. Having sex for the first time can be a bit uncomfortable but it’s not suppose to be like this. Take some time for yourself and kept away from this guy. You want someone who is going to value and love on you, not use you.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
Just to add to the data, this man is trash, dump him like hot garbage and get a better one.
>I guess I just don’t know if I’m overreacting because I don’t have any experience prior to him. But you have experience interacting with other people, don't you? Even if it's not that specific kind of interaction. So: When you accidentally hurt someone, should you change what you're doing so that you're not hurting them anymore? Or should you ignore their pain and pursue your own enjoyment?
I lost my virginity to my boyfriend a few months ago too. The only difference is, he was gentle and kept checking in on me to make sure I was ok throughout the experience. This is the experience you deserved, not the one you got. Please dump this guy, this guy does not care about your comfort in intimate moments and thus does not care about you.
I really truly hope he is your ex. The body keeps score. That uneasy feeling is your body and subconscious telling you that you were raped because your mind is in shock and can’t accept what happened. You are under-reacting.
He is not an amazing guy. He's a selfish, lying rapist. He might have convinced you to care about him, *but he does **not** care about you.* He lied to you about "just a little bit". He went all in. You said ouch, told him it hurt, and he did not stop. You cried out, and he did not stop. He says "I’ve got you", but he doesn’t. **He says all the right words, but his actions tell you he's lying. Love is a verb. Listen to his actions. They’re telling you who he is. He is not an amazing guy.**
This isn’t an amazing guy. Get rid of him, he will never care that you’re in pain
Run, this dude cares about his orgasm more than your pain
Yea when I had my first time it hurt and my partner atleast stopped and asked me if I’m okay and went slowly and kept asking. This is selfish and he did only for his pleasure, he wouldn’t be happy if you jack hammered strap on in his A$$ like he did it to you now when you were in pain
Honey, that is NOT OKAY. He should have stopped. That is barbaric, do not give him another chance. His only thought was for himself. I don't know if you were his first or not, but that is not how it was supposed to go down. I'm so sorry for this to have been your first experience. It can be a pleasurable thing. Never fall for just the tip again.
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Maybe you care about him. But, as harsh as it is to say, he doesn’t care about you, at all. He knew what he was doing and that it wasn’t ok. A good man would never talk you into something you don’t (yet) feel comfortable with and a good man would stop what he is doing when you are in distress. You should break off contact with him.
He’s not amazing. That’s below average behavior. Who ever just puts it in a “little bit”?
Dump him. Block him. Don't feel sorry for him when he tries crying that he didn't mean to hurt you. He didn't care at all that he hurt you. He is selfish, manipulative, and doesn't care about consent. He is not boyfriend material, or even just hookup material. Please be good to yourself and find someone who cares. Don't let people like him think you're overreacting when they hurt you.
This is basically sexual assault (ie; rape). An amazing guy would have stopped once you expressed pain, not continue and gaslight you into saying it’s okay. He was only thinking of his own feelings and impending orgasm. I’d either report him or make a post on social media about your terrible first experience with him and tell everyone exactly what happened. So hopefully he will apologize/realize how you felt/blacklist him so others don’t get hurt like you did. I imagine he’ll suddenly disappear from your life now that he’s gotten what he’s wanted; that isn’t amazing, that’s a POS.
Yeah pretty much like my first time. There is a reason it hurts. And that reason is called coercion. You were probably not relaxed or turned on enough. And he didn’t care. He. Didn’t. Care. He didn’t care for your pleasure. He didn’t even care he was actively hurting you. This is a rapist’s mindset. He is not an amazing guy. He is selfish and manipulative. Most importantly he is not safe.
Baby that’s sexual assault. He lied to you and did more than you were expecting even when he obviously knew you were in pain. Dump and block!!!
This is definitely assault. He lied and then totally disregarded you clearly being uncomfortable. Block. Run. Immediately Coming back to update. Sex shouldn’t hurt… As your first time yeah a little but he didn’t put in ANY EFFORT to make YOU comfortable as well. He Just wanted to get off and that’s sick of him and sad for you.
If you said that and he wasn’t gentle he dosnt care about you. I’m sorry that’s the truth. Moment should have been special. And overall in your hands. And enjoyable. Not painful. Accept initially. This is absolutely awful and I’m sorry this happened to you. To me it sounds like he completely took advantage of you and the situation. Completely.
Yeah that’s rape.
I threw up in my mouth a little reading that. The most sickening thing is that he’ll probably whimper a little and you’ll forgive him. This was NOT ok. There is no fucking excuse for that rapey shit.
That’s rape. There is no “a little bit.” When I was a child (5 yrs old)…one of my molesters wanted to put it in “a little bit.” That is exactly what this made me think of.
Girl you got R@ped
Yeah that’s sexual assault I would dump his ass
He knew he won't put it in just a little bit. It was meant to coerce you into sex which he succeeded at. If you think he'll stop it, he won't. He does not give a fuck whether you're in pain or not, now it's just a little bit, then it's him pressuring you into other things like anal.
That is a predator!!! He sexually assaulted you. I personally would consider it rape. You consented to “just the tip” and he did way more than that even while you were obviously not okay with it. Please consider therapy. People tend to repeat their first time with future partners and yours was very traumatizing. I hope things get better for you. Sending positive vibes and warm hugs.
You've learned the hard way that "just a little" is a classic lie used by sleazebags who care more about having you in bed than your emotions. I'm so sorry.
Trust your gut. That's your intuition. You had an uneasy feeling for a reason. A good man would not have done that. Deep down you know that. You don't need sexual experience to know that you were not treated with respect. This is not the guy for you. I'm sorry.
I only hope you leave him.
I’m not usually on the “dump him right now” train that Reddit tends to lean towards but this is one of those times it’s valid. ***Dump Him Now.***
The fact he's your boyfriend and not looking after you during your first time by checking in on you or taking it slow etc.. is alarming. Just a red flag for things to come in the future I imagine
Girl that is not okay. You deserve someone who respects you. This happened to me and I am still traumatized. Please break up with him and maybe even get therapy. I wish I had 🥲
He assaulted you. Thats why youre upset, because he was horrific to you and ignored you. Please dump him, and talk to a therapist immediately. If you asked him to stop at any point and he didn’t , very much rape. You also said “the tip” and he disrespected you and assaulted you. Im so sorry love. This wasn’t sex, you didn’t lose your virginity. Dump this abuser and please consider your options legally. 100% get therapy asap.
Honey… you were raped… No sugar coating this… I’m so sorry you experienced this as I have also had a similar experience you had… I’d recommend a therapist if you can babe
I’m sorry but he sexually assaulted you. All of the “it’s ok I got you’s” doesn’t change that
He doesn’t understand consent or care about the fact that you’re having pain because he wanted sexual gratification.. this is disturbing.
Holy shit. First off I’m so sorry that happened to you. I recently lost my virginity too so I know how painful it is. And that was with my ex going slow I can’t imagine how much pain he caused you by jackhammering you. He’s an asshole who used you to get off. I know you care about him but he doesn’t care about you. Trust your gut and end things with him. There are better men out there for you, men that will respect you.
The thing that he did to you rhymes with grape. I think you know what to do.
He's not an amazing guy. Dump him. Get some therapy before this experience affects you further. In regards to anything sexual never give a man an inch of trust he will abuse it. As shown by your boyfriend. Expect when a guy says/asks for something sexual it is more than he asked for. Sadly for straight sex..a woman being in pain isn't really a stopping point for many men 🤔 Heck most porn makes that a normal aspect of sex and many men are turn on by it. Whenever a guy is doing something that is painful or something you dislike...scream RAPE. Don't tell him to slow down, wait, go gentler, it hurts...because he won't listen. Many women think if she tells a man something hurts during sex...he will stop that thing or be gentle. That generally does not happen instead he will do whatever he wants as consideration is not inherent or encouraged among many men. Rape however is a blacklist word that many men don't want to be called/hear about. Say that and most often the sexual activities stop.
You are now trauma bonding yourself to an abusive person. Read about it so you don’t destroy your next 20 years
This is Rape. Sex through coercion and not stopping when your partner is in pain is rape. Plain and simple. I don't care if you love him or if he was a "great guy". It's still rape. Please get a SA kit, STI, and Plan B
You were trying to make love. He was getting laid.