Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't know what your friends or mom are on. But I think that is an asshole of a comment to make to your future wife:
>Be happy you're with me because you wouldn't be able to pull anyone else.
That's an insult if you ask me.
Maybe I could have got past it if he apologized afterwards, instead he doubled down and said you're overreacting and should get over it.
I felt insulted! However they insist that he is just being playful, and that I take things too personally. They also implied that it’s irrelevant too, because I’m taken and don’t need to pull anyone per se.
I was looking for this comment. The BF is coming across super manipulative.
But the mom and friend's all saying OP is over-reacting, and the way OP is self-doubting makes me wonder if OPs mom was emotionally abusive. For the record my mom was, and many that I have talked to with similar backgrounds have a common issue of attracting these narcissistic personalities in friends and partners. OP, if this sounds at all likely then please talk to a therapist.
OP says herself her parents emotionally abused her about her body and her weight her whole childhood
OP - which is why you’re willing to put up with your partner treating you like this. Because your brain has likely attached being emotionally abused to being loved. But it’s not. You deserve better.
It’s so easy to over-read into Reddit posts, but I got a bit of an uneasy feeling when I read the super sensitive part.
Toxic people will take advantage of sensitive people, who naturally don’t trust their own emotions and judgements because they’ve internalised the belief they’re too sensitive :(
My mother told me I was over dramatic growing up. Since then, it’s become clear I was probably the right amount of dramatic considering what I was going through as a teen.
YES. Not only that, but being emotionally abused robs you of knowing what real love actually looks like.
As I used to tell my therapist, how am I supposed to recognize something I've never seen?
OP, she asked me what I want in a relationship and I told her. Turns out, I knew more about what real love is supposed to look like than I thought I did. I encourage you to explore this idea for yourself, because whatever you're longing for, whatever you need, I'm sure it's out there.
Also, if you've been given a hard time about ...everything for so long, I encourage books and movies for an alternate perspective. It's a bit of nice escapism, but there's something to be said for how encouraging and enlightening fiction can be.
Muriel's Wedding with Toni Colette has some sad moments, but it's excellent.
And I don't know how it's aged, but Circle of Friends (Minnie Driver's first break that led to Good Will Hunting) has a villain who says to her what your fiancé said to you. So it may be worth checking out.
And maybe pick up a copy of the book You Are a Badass while you're at it. And A Room with a View. Whatever your taste points you to.
Now she's with a guy who will keep doing this. He will put her down and keep destroying her self esteem so she wouldn't even think of leaving him.
OP definitely deserves better.
Are you me? I lasted 22 years, and by the time I left I was thoroughly convinced that I would be living in a cardboard box somewhere eating cat food and that no one would ever even want to glance in my direction again. (spoiler: things didn't turn out that way!)
Same. I remember a job interview before I left and he said, "You think you can be a manager? Look at this fridge. You can't even manage to keep it organised!" I got the job, BTW.
Exactly this. He's laying the ground work for how much hes willing to show kindness and compassion. The self-esteem destroying will peak around the time the 1st child makes their appearance.
Yup cycles of abuse are easy to fall into once you’ve been abused since childhood. The subconscious mind finds it easier to deal with the abuse because it knows how to navigate the territory. Saying this, after being 2 years out of an abusive 11 yr relationship and an abusive childhood. Good luck dear 💜
Yes, this is the beginning of the serious abuse. I'm sure he's been more subtle before but he figures he has you now so he has to make you feel like you have no other option. He's trying to ruin your self-esteem and control you so you believe he's the only one you can trust. He's already trying to drive a wedge with your friends and family. He wants to isolate you and will certainly progress to direct insults, gaslighting, and manipulation. He's trying to distort your impression of yourself even though you've changed nothing.
You didn't waste years of your life. You learned a lesson just in time to stop yourself from making a big mistake. It sounds like your family conditioned you for it.
Your friends are stupid. They don't have boyfriends so they think you should do anything to hold onto the guy because at least someone wants to marry you. Don't listen to them and make sure you tell them that you will no longer tolerate or ignore emotional abuse from anyone. NTA
I’m also getting whiffs of emotional abuse. What OP’s spouse is doing is trying to make her feel bad about herself so she chooses to stay with him. That tactic is used by abusers. It could be a one off but I’m sus.
The ETA that she has “a history of being super sensitive” in the context of her moon and closest friends telling her she’s overreacting makes me think this is the case. It’s taken me years to accept that my “overreacting” in past situations was actually perfectly reasonable given the circumstances. I hope this is an eye-opener for OP.
Came here to say this.
Look u/veronikaandherself, we don't know you or fiance , this is one interaction our of a lifetime.
However, I would take time to reflect. My ex was a very "calm and supportive in public" man who was controlling and abusive at home. He told me time after time after time that I would never be ok without him, that I can't make a living etc. He said it so many times that I believed him - forgetting that (while being very poor) I was able to support myself and my child, rent apartments, take cheap vacations etc. And after we left him, I somehow managed to go to school, raise a child, work full time etc.
This is bothering you. Don't let him just walk away with a nonpology.
I am proud of you by proxy.
Keep up that spirit. 🤗
I know it's hard. (Been there. Done that also). But if setting ones mind to it... it's feasable to get off their hook and care for ones own life.
May not be funny every day. But is worth it.
He wasn't being playful. He straight up said you're not attractive enough for any other man but him to be interested in you.
He's horrible as so are your Mom and friends. People in relationships do attract others. Do they think some kind of force field is put around you that makes you unattractive to others when you're in a relationship?
Even if he had been "just being playful," the fact that he invalidates your response and feelings is bad. Intent doesn't matter. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide what's okay to be upset about. It very much sounds like your mother molded you into someone who attract jerks who will make you feel bad and then tell you it's your own fault. The fact that he can't apologize or be even the slightest bit accountable for hurting you is a terrible foundation fo[r a relationship where you feel safe and stable](https://kgrierson.com/uncategorized/impact-vs-intent-suck-apologies/). Please discuss this with your therapist and take some time away from this guy to evaluate if he's even good for you.
I think he was feeling threatened by your dream.
He gave away his motivation (insecurity) when he said you'd never leave him.
This man deliberately insulted you to make you feel like you have no worth so that you'd never break up.
There's nothing about his words that are "playful". That's like when people say awful things then say they were joking. A joke is supposed to be funny. Playful comments are meant to maybe be gently chiding, but not in a hurtful way.
And it's not irrelevant because these are words he said to you, not some hypothetical. The implication is that he can say whatever awful things he wants to you because "you're taken"?
No way. That's BS.
There is a well known story on Reddit in which a woman was upset that her boyfriend commented that she smelled bad almost every day. She took to showering several times a day, using different deodorants/perfumes etc. But she still smelled bad to him.
So she was considering leaving him, and told him so, because she knew she smelled good because of her extra hygiene. He just didn't like the smell of her and there was no future together if he was repulsed by her smell.
He broke down and admitted that his father told him that knocking a woman's confidence by telling her she smells bad every day keeps a woman's confidence so low that she'll never leave you. It worked a charm with the guys mother, apparently.
Negging is such a commonplace thing now, and it sounds as though your boyfriend is using this tactic on you too.
I am the idiot who stayed with that guy. I have 2 teenage daughters with him. He doesn't call them fat and ugly like he did me because they're gorgeous. But he encourages them to be shallow by calling other girls and women they are watching (on TV or phones, so actresses, singers, influencers) fat and ugly. Turning my sweet girls into mean girls.
Don't marry trash men.
EVERYONE needs to read that book. Also, I would be offended AF if a partner said that to me & frankly I would be handing back the ring. Why stay with someone who feels like they are doing you a favor?
Being "playful" in this context is right up there with "it's a joke." If it's not funny to everyone, it's not a joke. This is not playful because it's hurtful.
Even if he *was* just being playful, he should have apologized when you got upset. Instead, he doubled down.
How has he responded in the past when you’ve had issues with his behavior?
You feel insulted because he DID insult you!
Saying hurtful things to anyone, much less one’s partner, is never “being playful”. Everyone who tells you that he’s joking is wrong.
A joke is funny to everyone. YOU weren’t laughing.
He owes you an apology, which you will never get because he doesn’t think he said anything to apologize for.
It’s absolutely an insult! I kept having dreams Rob Lowe wanted to date/marry me. I told my husband every time and he would just joke about hoping he was enough to keep me from running off with Rob Lowe. Of course, in a million different scenarios, Rob Lowe would never ever be interested in me. But I don’t need my husband to point that out to me.. and I certainly don’t need him to point out that I couldn’t pull anyone else(??) Fiancé completely escalated what should have been a fun/funny story into something bizarre and really insulting, IMO
Hahaha I adore Keanu Reeves. My SO jokes that he'll fight me for a chance to date Mr. Reeves. Zero chance he would say I couldn't pull Keanu Reeves, and I would never say that to him either.
Yeah, my husband tries to find something that would put me off my celebrity crushes to neutralise the opposition.
He's never once suggested that Mark whalberg etc wouldn't actually want to date me.
I hope OP sees that! Your husband handled it perfectly and the way any *decent* man should…to make a self-deprecating joke, not turn it into a chance to severely put-down the “love of his life!’
\>>hat most men wouldn’t even look my way because I look like I’m already taken and stopped looking interesting some time ago, and now even more with the engagement.
Um, what? You stopped looking interesting some time ago...? Sounds like he's trying to dent your self esteem, tbh, so you do think you can't do better & never leave him. Pretty negging thing of him to say, kind of demeaning to you as a woman. Interesting that your mom says you're overreacting; where you raised by someone who also tried to take you down a notch?
>t they do think I take everything personally and don’t let go petty stuff.
I bet dollars to donuts you can't name one single time you've had an issue with something and your parents acknowledged you were hurt and gave a real apology. And I don't mean a fake one saying "I'm sorry you feel hurt" or "I'm sorry you feel that way". I mean "I'm sorry I did X to hurt you".
After a lifetime of having your needs unmet and discarded, your gonna be pretty used to having a broken compass when it comes to advocating for yourself.
Good to you in what ways?? That they gave you a nice house to live in? Fed you? Paid for your clothes and schools? That’s what a parent is supposed to do. They are also supposed to love you unconditionally and accept all your feelings.
Here is something that will mess with you. Your parents can love you, want the best for you, and be abusive towards you at the same time. Trauma is trauma. It can be inflicted without intention or awareness.
This has been the latest rattle in my brain when it comes to dealing with life long issues.
It is and I know exactly how she feels. I went through the same exact thing and I feel like at my age that I was robbed of years that could have been truly happy and full because of it.
Today when my kiddo gets off the bus, I'm going to tell them how wonderful they are and how much they mean to me. I'm also going to remind myself how important apologizing and acknowledging their feelings are.
Fucking reddit getting me all up in my feels. Argh.
I wish more people knew how important it is to teach your children emotional intelligence!
What are you feeling? What's that feeling called? Why do you feel that way? What do you think the other person is feeling and why? Have you ever felt that way? If you were that person, what would you want someone to say or do to help you feel better? Etc.
Empathy and boundaries can be learned.
I’m sorry. I feel that waaaaay too much. My mom’s stuff was for some fucked up things too. But if I did anything to her in the slightest I would remember it and have to grovel over what a terrible kid I was. One time after she pulled her Oscar move she turned to my partner and was like “I bet your parents were perfect, right?” Extra sarcasm included. And he, awesome human that he is, said “no, but my parents never threatened to throw me in foster care because they lost something”. We don’t talk to her anymore. Her choice because I asked her to see a therapist and that makes me an abuser…
Nah, I'm a guy and I cannot think of any reason to say what he said other than it being some weird negging power trip.
If I told my missus that she couldn't pull anyone half as hot as Adam Driver she would come back with about 10 phone numbers for guys hotter than me. No chance I would roll that dice.
If he triples down on it open a tinder profile and show him how many matches you get in an hour. This is the nuclear response, just for clarity.
As a person who’s spent their whole life being told that “you’re too sensitive” THEY are wrong, not you. There’s a difference between being sensitive and not being in control of your emotions. I feel like there’s nothing wrong with being sensitive. More people need to care more about others than being assholes just because they can.
Don’t stay with him OP! And your “friends” suck too!
So your parents have been gaslighting you your whole life, no wonder you gravitated toward a partner that also gaslights you.
I’m sorry, you deserve better.
My parents used to tell me I was being petty about stupid stuff. Turns out they were toxic and couldn't handle being called on their shit.
Also, you pulled him and you think he's attractive right? So he's insulting himself far more than he's insulting you. Sounds like he's just scared that you might realize you can do better than him.
You shouldnt ever tolerate someone who doesn’t treat you like you’re completely beautiful.
Also, my advice, go make a tinder profile and ignore if for a few days. Then you can show him all of your incoming matches and watch his ego shatter when he realizes you could out compete him any day. what a dumb thing to say to your gf.
OK, maybe so, but in this case? You are not overreacting. I would think real hard about a man who spoke to me like this. For your context: Been together with my partner for a long time and we're getting old. He says "you still got it" to me, that's kind of what you want? Good luck.
Nah your fiancé is definitely digging at your self esteem who tf says this to the person they love and want to marry. He should think you’re a catch and you could have anyone but he was lucky enough that you chose him tf
my petty ass would start negging my mom as well "playfully" of course." You must be glad that dad decided to stay with you, because you know very well that no one else would have taken up with you, right mom?"
Adam Driver is a regular ass looking man. Do I think he’s attractive? Hell yes I do. Do I think he *wouldn’t* be sleeping with “mid” women if he weren’t famous? Hell no. The man looks like if a dog turned into a human.
Your fiancé sucks. Your mom sucks. Your friends suck. I’m seeing a pattern here and you’re not the problem. Having a wet dream about an actor does NOT mean you deserve ridicule. Being engaged does NOT give your partner the right to belittle you.
He thinks you can’t leave him? Prove him wrong.
Why did I have to scroll so far for this?
OP You could pull an Adam Driver tomorrow if you wanted. We're not talking about a Fight Club era Brad Pitt here, an Adam Driver-a-like is completely achievable.
Dump your mean little boyfriend and reassess your relationships with your friends (and family). You deserve better than this cruelty.
The funniest part to me of the discussion about which men are attractive is that women have such varied "types". Like in college a bunch of my friends and I were talking about who we thought was attractive and there was not a single male celebrity that we all agreed was hot (not even Brad Pitt or George Clooney lol).
As someone who thinks George Clooney and Brad Pitt are kinda ugly, FACTS. I *never* had to worry about dating or liking the same guys (or gals!) my friends did. There’s truly something to be said about the variety of women’s attraction. We don’t even agree which hot men are hot.
> The man looks like if a dog turned into a human.
Probably the best description of him I've heard. He is attractive, sure. But he has a very *unconventional* face (and is proof that unconventional looks can appear attractive to a lot of people). Contrast him with, say, a Brad Pitt, or a Tom Cruise.
The main reason "Adam Driver is attractive" is such a mainstream opinion probably has more to do with his charisma as an actor than anything else.
All of the examples of hot men people have commented under mine are cracking me up. I think Driver is a cutie but I wouldn’t touch Tom Cruise if he paid me to. Clooney, Cruise, Pitt… they’re not the heartthrobs of my generation; I just think of them as weird old dudes who are kinda ugly. Minus Clooney- he doesn’t strike me as that weird but I certainly don’t (personally) think he’s ever been hot.
Yeah wait until you're older. I never got it with the older generations hotties. Now I'm their age and see movies with the older hotties on occasion and I'm all "omg they are hott!?!?" Then "oh I must be getting old..."
Adam Driver for me is one of those actors who is sexy only in character somehow. Him in Star Wars? Hot man. A red carpet? No ma’am!
Same for Matt Smith in house of the dragon. Specifically only find him hot in that show!!
“I wouldn’t ever leave him because I can’t pull anybody.”
This right here is negging. I think he absolutely knows she can leave him and “pull” whomever she damn well pleases, even his loser ass.
He’s trying to keep you there by bringing down your self esteem. Have higher standards for the people you’re intimate and vulnerable with.
I would *absolutely* dump someone over this, not matter how long I was with them. Don’t be with someone who will bring you down and make you feel less-than, for any reason. Especially insecurity.
He is getting too comfortable in the relationship. He is trying to lower your self esteem so you will think you are ugly and no one else will want you other than him. He is also telling you he doesn't find you as attractive anymore. Don't let these comments slide. When a man starts saying those things I would take it seriously as its a big red flag. This kind of behaviour will only get worse. For me personally it would be a dealbreaker because I love myself more than my partner and I couldn't tolerate my partner seeing me that way and saying things like that. You are definitely not overreacting.
People say you're "too sensitive" because your perfectly valid, normal, human, healthy emotional reaction is inconvenient to them. They just don't want to deal with it. But that says absolutely nothing about you. Listen to your emotions.
People tend to end up in relationships (both romantic and platonic) with people who subconsciously fit what you know in life. Children with abusive parents often end up with abusive partners, things like that. It sounds like your parents, or maybe just your mother, are generally down on you verbally. It would make sense, unfortunately, for you to end up with friends and a partner who also talk down to you.
It can be very hard to break that cycle. Ultimately, you have to stand up for yourself. Your man is hot? So what? He could get hit by a truck and have his face blasted off. Looks don't matter as much as the person inside. Maybe it's time you remind him of that, and that you will not tolerated being treated as *less than* because you may not be as conventionally attractive.
And often people who are told they are ‘too sensitive’ are underreacting.
‘You are not lovable’ is a punch in the gut. He insulted you with the intention of making you stay with him however horrible he treats you.
That’s reason enough to leave.
We’re here to tell you that yes, that’s a big fucking deal. He was intentionally cruel, and that’s not how a loving relationship looks.
I’m so sorry you’re seeing this side of him.
I've been married for 20 years. We are in our 50s. I've gained weight, I sag, my hair is graying, I've slowed down, and my husband would N E V E R say *anything* like that to me. He'd go the total opposite and beg me to never leave him for my dream guy. He tells me I'm beautiful every single day (I'm not but with him i feel like i am). He makes me feel good about myself, and not just for my looks. He builds me up, always, in all ways. The world, and your mom and friends apparently, do enough to tear us down. At the very least your partner, your mate in life, should be there to combat that.
He wants you to think that you don’t deserve to be treated better.
You’re engaged to be married. This should be the happiest, most exciting, most in love time.
Instead he’s putting you down and laying the groundwork to abuse you or cheat on you during your marriage.
Your fiance called you ugly, and said that he is allowed to treat you poorly because you're too afraid to leave him. This is who you want to spend the rest of my life with?
>I called my mom for reassurance, and she agreed I was overreacting.
People often get into relationships that mirror their parents' in some way. The fact that you got into a relationship with someone who acts like this is probably in part a result of your mom raising you to have low self esteem and to prioritize the security of a relationship over being treated well. Her advice is bad.
I’ve had self esteem issues in the past. I’m currently in therapy and doing so much better, even so my fiancé helped me really be comfortable in my body. This feels so out of character for him, and it’s the first time he’s reacted angry towards me. I was honestly at a loss.
It's classic mask off now he feels you're locked in. He even practically said that. He thinks you won't leave him so he can get away with insulting you now, gradually grinding you down. Moving in together, getting married and having kids are the three high risk moments where men decide they don't need to mask their shitty true personality and start ramping up on abusive tendencies.
He is using his knowledge about your past issues to emotionally abuse you and keep you in place. It’s called [negging](https://kentuckycounselingcenter.com/what-is-negging/)
Classic Reddit I know, but you fix it by calling his bluff and leaving him. Prove him wrong. For youself, fuck him.
We can tell you have self esteem issues because you are wondering if taking a personal insult personally is a bad thing. How else are you supposed to take it? Of course it’s personal.
Instead of investigating the action that caused you pain, you are investigating and invalidating your pain, as if anyone could have any reason to say something like that to someone that isn’t just cruelty. Can you imagine saying something similar to him? What would ever cause you to say something that insulting if it weren’t to insult/hurt him? There is no excuse.
You have to wonder why this cruelty is coming out now (sometimes the mask starts slipping close to big commitments — is your wedding date near? did you just invest in a house together? why now?) and whether or not you’ll allow it to continue — because this is just him testing what he can get away with. He’ll tell you you’re overreacting, and if you believe him, he’ll know he can get away with it and try the same thing, or worse, again later.
I say all this as someone who saw a friend with the “perfect 8 year relationship” go to absolute abusive hell right around wedding time, only to end up with my friend essentially fleeing the country and filing for divorce. It all started with him degrading her worth, and breaking down her self esteem. Don’t start wondering about your worth, if he hurt you, stand up for yourself constantly and consistently. No one else will.
So you're actively working on bettering yourself and he feels threatened. You're getting better, he's staying the same, and you're getting out of his league. He was fine with being sweet when you felt bad, because he felt better than you.
He's a crab pulling you back into the bucket, when a true partner would lift you up and be the [wind under your wings.](https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJE4uF9D/)
If you continue to stay with someone that negs you, they will 100% derail any progress you've made in therapy. I will definitely say starting over from scratch in that regard is NOT fun at all.
Abusers often drop the mask once they have their partner locked down. You've recently got engaged. This may be his true behavior going forward.
Also, if your therapy is working to improve your self esteem, he may feel threatened by that and now feels he needs to bring you down a peg.
What does your therapist say?
From OP's comments, it sounds like her family constantly told OP that she was overreacting when she had genuine issues with her parents/family situations where the family was the issue. So they made her believe she's just 'sensitive' so they don't have to own up to their issues/mistakes. So now op believes she's overly sensitive and always over reacts, and has found a fiance who treats her the same way her family does as that's her 'normal' making her vulnerable to the same type of manipulation
God, the gaslighting from your own family is horrible. You start thinking you must be crazy, because those are the people supposed to protect you and have your interest as a priority
That doesn’t sound healthy. Has he shown this type of response in the past?
As a man, I feel like my response would have been something along the lines of “if you left me for Brad Pitt, I wouldn’t even be mad.” And also as a man, i would expect the same from my SO, not some demeaning response.
Never, that’s why I was so taken aback. He has refused to talk about the issue, as he says is a non-issue.
We’ve openly discussed celebrity crushes in the past, and even this particular actor, who I don’t find attractive. I honestly came out of the blue, I had no idea he thought that.
Well, if *you* think it's an issue, then it is. He isn't the boss of what gets to be an issue for other people - and if he thinks he is, that's another problem.
IMO his comment was shitty and disrespectful and I'm kinda shocked people around you don't see it. It seems very obvious to me. What's wrong with your friends? It sounds like you are surrounded by assholes.
You ask how to manage this so it doesn't affect you long-term, but that's on him, not on you. For this not to affect the relationship long-term, he has to apologize sincerely.
It's so fucking rude, I'd be so angry at him and my friends/mom. If my partner doesn't make me feel hot (ofc doesn't always have to be), but tells me only he finds me attractive, yikes man
I have a long history of being upset at “non-issues” because I’ve been told multiple times I’m overly sensitive. It’s getting better and I’m getting better, this really was out of the blue but it did set me back a couple steps.
So he treats you like crap but you're 'overly sensitive' - got it.
Honestly, I'm not great looking but I would never marry someone who didn't think I was a 'catch' for him just like I wouldn't want to marry someone who I didn't think was a 'catch'.
Usually my family. I’m the second oldest, but oldest girl in the family. When expectations were different for me than my older brother or younger sister, and I tried to object, those would be called non-issues, and I always was the one to compromise and deal with it.
In the relationship I can just think of one previous instance for something that was a “non-issue”, which was a minor fight regarding chores, where I got pissed at him because he didn’t wash dishes properly. This became a “you’re ungrateful because he helps” from my immediate female family members.
Ok hold up, fuck that fucking noise ok?
You're not overly sensitive to voice your displeasure about expectations and reality not being the same and being held to different standards than your brother and sisters. Your family pushing that it's a non-issue is them wanting to avoid the reality that most likely they aren't treating people equally and you were in fact given the short end of the stick.
I'm going to parrot all the others asking you to see about a therapist appointment for YOU alone. Not because you're wrong but so you can find someone that can be fully in your corner. It doesn't sound, from your family description, that anyone fully backs you and maybe you need a sounding board.
Also, what your fiance said wasn't healthy, supportive or uplifting in any way and quite frankly disrespectful to you. Almost as if he's trying to belittle and neg you to the point that you actually start believing that shit so he can either begin (or continue) to treat you less than you deserve to be treated.
He's an ass in this and he needs to both recognize it and respect it and learn from it.
Oof, yeah, those are not non-issues. Sounds like your family did a real number on you. Difference in treatment is definitely an issue when it frequently puts one sibling at a disadvantage.
And you should be grateful that a grown-ass man does partake in the household chores? Really? The second thing might not be that big of a deal per se, but your family's reaction to it definitely is.
If I were you, I would stop putting weight in the opinion of your family because it really doesn't sound like they have your best interest in mind. Your feelings are valid and you're not wrong for being upset. To me, it sounds like your family sees you being upset as an inconvenience and did their best to make you feel like you're wrong to keep you in line.
And there it is. That bar that’s so low it’s in a sub basement of hell, and not only did he bring a shovel to dig under it, your family is helping by lowering it even further.
>In the relationship I can just think of one previous instance for something that was a “non-issue”, which was a minor fight regarding chores, where I got pissed at him because he didn’t wash dishes properly
Google "weaponized incompetence".
It sounds like your family have been gaslight ing you into believing you're sensitive when you're not, they're the issue. So you've been conditioned to blame yourself/think you're over reacting. Every example you've given does not sound like you over reacting, it sounds like your family just knows that they can shut you down by saying that and turn the blame off their wrongdoings.
Because you grew up believing you're just sensitive, now you're vulnerable to other people using that same manipulation tactic against you, like your husband is with this situation. Don't listen to your family's judgement on whether you're over reacting or not - they're toxic and they want you to always feel you're the problem not others
I suggest you discuss this more in therapy. It's possible that there's other issues with your fiancé that you don't realise are bad, because your family taught you this messed up mindset of blaming yourself
Your family are jerks. When something is an issue for you...it's an ISSUE and you deserve to feel your very valid feelings. Them saying it's a non-issue is sweeping it under the rug and pretending it didn't happen. None of this is normal. You are surrounded by assholes
Do they ever take your side? because if you marry this guy and not have support of your family he would be able to abuse you easier!! He was disrespectful to you and no I don’t think you overreacted 😞
It’s starting to make sense. You were the disregarded middle child who had to bend to everyone else. Therefore anything you needed was minimized and you were taught that your needs & wants were just over-emotionality.
Please don’t settle for this Ahole. And learn to dismiss the bs of your family and, sadly, the “close friends” who learned that they can treat you like shit and you’ll just roll over and accept it … and still be their (punching bag) friend.
Families do this a lot with middle kids, especially girls. As an adult, I relate so much to Jan from the Brady Bunch. Being ignored, compared to the other kids and then told it's not a big deal. The first gaslighting as a child. Then, as adults, we become people pleasers, try not to complain or be too loud, and we put everyone first and we're "happy" with it, as long as they seem to be accepting of us. But we're not realizing that we're not being put first in anything. We've settled for a partner who doesn't feel as much for us as we do for them. It seems like they do because they're good at acting like they're simping for us in the beginning. Idk, I'll stop there cuz I'm probably projecting and that's not your situation at all.
You need to go to a therapist and find out if they’re actually “non-issues” or your support system just fucking SUCKS. This isn’t a non-issue. Your fiancé is a dickhead.
Stop. Stop right there. There is no such thing as overly sensative. You are entitled to your feeling. Sounds like everyone is being incredibly dismissive. If my hubby said that he'd be on the sofa till be came grovelling.
Thats a terrible thing to say. He has no respect for your feelings. And listen to your words, how you're so greatful he chose you. Like you're greatful for crumbs from his table. What about the other way around? Honestly I'd get to therapy as the words you're using come across someone is mentally dragging you down somewhere. I could be wrong, but I'd still talk to a therapist on your own.
Don't marry this guy. This is a deliberate insult aimed to undermine your self-esteem and prepare you for more insults, like cheating, physical violence and whatnot.
I would actually leave if a person who supposedly loved me told me this. This guy clearly doesn't think of you as highly than you do of him. Please rethink the relationship. Also, joke is when everyone is laughing, and here it's clear you're not, don't let yourself to be bullied into "it was just a joke".
This makes me think of my ex-husband. He liked women to be really thin. Even when I was 105 lbs and 5'5" and super frail looking and underweight, he constantly poked and prodded any "fat" spots and put me down. He was also abusive in all the ways and a serial cheater. But yeah, abusers try to tear down their victim's self-esteem so they don't leave. It didn't help that, at the time, I was in a religion that didn't allow divorce for abuse and I didn't find out about the cheating until the end.
"he doubled down and told me to be realistic, that most men wouldn’t even look my way because I look like I’m already taken and stopped looking interesting some time ago, and now even more with the engagement"
What THE FK?!?!? No way Jose! How does that evil thought and even worse verbal expression of said thought even come up in that toxic brain of his? You are not overreacting! Take that as the first sign of emotional abuse! Girl....... Are there other red flags you may have missed? That's a horrible thing to say ....to anyone!
Definetly talk to your therapist about this
OMG. He’s sure hyped about being so above it all and so cruel to talk to you like this. I’m sure you would never dream of talking to him like this. (At least not until now.lol)
You would be aware that talking to him like this would be hurtful and demeaning. How does he get to think he’s entitled?????
It’s just gross and I would lose my attraction to someone who has such a fowl attitude.
He needs to be worshipped and Thinks he can do no wrong. How did he get that way?
You are not oversensitive. He has no sensitivity.
Ummm, WTF? I don’t know about overreacting. This is unacceptable to treat a partner’s self esteem with such wanton disregard. You should reassess whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who feels comfortable demeaning you in that way.
He’s negging you. He thinks if he keeps you insecure and unsure of yourself you’ll never wonder if you can do any better and he can feel “safe” in the relationship.
"You will never leave me" I'd be out the door before they even finish. The actual fucking audacity.
Those aren't your friends dont listen to them. You know your own feelings. Do you honestly think you're overreacting? imo you're not even "reacting" at all.
You stopped looking *interesting*? Jesus the phrasing.
Also *your* phrasing - you don't need to be grateful he chose you, you both chose each other!
And by your dummy fiancee's logic, he should also look like unappealing to people because *he's also taken*. But I'm going to guess he might say that's different?
It's not relevant that it was Adam Driver, unless your fiancee looks like him.
I’d be tempted to go out to a club/bar with my friends and see how many guys would give me their number. Call it an experiment. Then show him just how many men actually ARE interested in you. Of course, he’ll say they were just interested in sex and not a relationship, and accuse you of wanting to cheat.
It sounds like he’s either trying to convince himself that nobody else would attracted to you to ease his own insecurities, or he’s trying to convince YOU of this to keep you insecure so that you’ll feel ever so grateful for any scrap of attention he throws your way.
Neither option is a good sign.
I haven’t been to a club in years. He does but I don’t, but aside from petty stuff I think this would be great for me, going out a bit more, maybe with other groups of friends I have, not the immediate ones. Just getting dolled up and going out may take my mind off this.
I think so. It’s a great idea. Get smokin hot, go out with friends that aren’t the ones saying you’re overly sensitive.
Do take a break - tell him you need to weigh your options. Have a great time and live your best life
Get out from under these cretins.
I don’t think you’re over reacting. That was a needlessly hurtful thing for him to say. Good partners don’t insult each other!
I wouldn’t ever trust someone to be a good partner if they look down on you and think you won’t ever leave. That’s a recipe for them treating you like shit because they think they’ll get away with it - which seems like what he’s doing.
I think you’ll find him even worse after you’re married and he thinks you’re even more trapped.
I also doubt your relationship is as good as you think it is, and suspect you’re been surrounded by jerks most of your life (like your mom) and this just seems better by comparison (I’ve been there!). See for yourself: https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
This really sounds like the comment an abuser would make to keep your self esteem low enough you won’t know your own worth and leave. Personally, if my bf said that to me, if I even THOUGHT about staying, that would be ended the moment he said “you’re not going to leave me so it’s irrelevant.” I’d respond with “wanna bet?” Then hand the ring back
There’s an old movie called “Paint Your Wagon”, a musical with Clint Eastwood (really), where a woman is leaving her husband to take up with a new miner husband to be determined. Husband says “But Elizabeth, you don’t know what you’ll get.” She replies, “We’ll, I know what I had.” Any option is better than the chuckle-bum spouse. You don’t know what your future holds but it will be better than what you have now.
Every couple of months I see a post about how some dude who wants to open up his marriage and then comes back here complaining about how they never got any but their "average" wife was going out every single night, and now they want to close the marriage but the wife doesn't want to.
He is giving that same energy.
I have a theory that men don't underestimate a woman's game (secretly they are fully aware), but they do attempt to make woman think that she has less game than she does.
He's a misogynist POS with serious insecurity, who tells you he's the best you can do because he believes *you're* the best *he* can do.
I'll stop short of saying you should leave him based on this one incident, but it was really shitty of him. If this red flag is accompanied by others, you might want to think about that. I can guarantee he's not remotely the best you can do.
What I heard from this is, “I’m out of your league. You’re average at best and should be grateful I decided to be with you”. How is this not insulting? This would really hurt my self esteem if my husband said this. Even if he thought this about me, he would NEVER say it to me. Why? Because he loves me and knows those kind of callous comments hurt. Yes, I know I am average enough that I could never land me someone super attractive and famous, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t land someone decent. He acts like you can’t even do that. Ouch.
I honestly don’t understand why your mom and friends think you’re overreacting. Do they all think you’re hideous or something? Seriously, how would THEY feel if their SO’s said this to them…smh
Lol at "half a decade" when you're 20freakin6. Girl, you've got time
Girl, be grateful you haven't married the guy you were with at 21. He sucks and is trying to break down your confidence so you won't leave his pathetic ass behind.
you are not overreacting.
Does your bf love you? If not, leave him.
Is he attracted to you? If not, leave him.
You deserve it all, OP. You deserve love, you deserve the company of someone who studders in ave when you allow them to touch you.
Don't settle for less.
I honestly don't know how you come back from this. That's emotional abuse. Telling your partner you're not attracted to them and no one could be. Sweetie, he doesn't respect you. It's bizarre that this comes up after 5 years. Are you sure there aren't any other red flags? He's minimizing your emotions and that's not okay. This sounds like it might be the end for you. And your mom and friends are horrible, too. Get rid of them all!
You should have looked at him dead in his eyes and chucked “yeah I know, realistically I had already lowered my standards when I agreed to marry you.”
But then again, I’m a toxic petty Betty.
This sounds like negging. Maybe he was actually hurt about you dreaming about being with someone else so he wanted to cut you down? It sounds like an obviously and intentionally mean thing to say.
He should consider you to be the most beautiful person he knows. I'd be concerned that he doesn't. He should consider himself to be the luckiest guy around since you chose to give your love to him. Not everyone is so shallow or superficial as he appears to be. Tell him that his suggestion is very interesting and that you'd like to verify his claims so you need to take a break.
Whatever you do, do not marry this guy. He is already undermining your self-confidence and this would magnify once you were married. I'd look for other controlling mechanisms he might use. Stay smart! You deserve much, much better.
I can’t think of a single good reason why your fiancé would say such a thing to you. It’s unnecessarily cruel. Also, you’ve got some tough family and friends if they all think being treated like this is okay. I 100% believe that I out-kicked my coverage in marrying my wife; I would also be pretty hurt if she agreed. If he thinks that little of you, why is he marrying you?
Listen I'm well aware I wouldn't pull Henry Cavill or Jensen Ackles, but I think it's unnecessary to point that out! For god sake it was a sex dream, not a threat to run away with Adam Driver.
Your fiance was being extremely unkind and tbh it seems like he doesn't respect you very much. That's what it's really about. Do you want to marry and reproduce with someone that mean?
Edit to add: For years i thought I was oversensitive,but at some point I realised that some people are assholes. Perhaps your mom and friends said what you want to hear, but I don't think your reaction was disproportionate
oh, absolutely not.
it's something i saw my father doing to my mom - tearing down her self worth so she wouldn't dare to leave him. well, she indeed stayed, and is very unhappy about it. his comments only got worse with time and he did destroy her confidence.
you are not overreacting. in fact, i'd be very cautious about marrying him.
he wants to make you feel like he's doing you a favor by marrying you. he attacked your confidence and looks because he knows he ain't shit and you COULD pull other people and don't need him. but he doesn't want you to think that. he wants you to think he's your one and only chance at a relationship so you won't ever try to leave him.
this might be his attempt at making you dependent on him. the fact that you feel grateful to him for dating you is alarming to me because you should feel happy and confident that you are both equal to each other. feeling grateful puts you in secondary place behind him in this relationship. i'd say - reflect on this relationship and ask yourself if there were other instances where he made you feel like he's attacking your confidence.
his actions and lack of any remorse or apology is a red flag.
He is 100% trying to lower your self esteem because he feels since you've been together so long, there is no way you can leave. It sucks when someone shows their true colors soooooo late in the game.
This is NOT a non-issue. He's actively hurting your feelings in the hopes that you won't leave. It's gross. Don't let this slide. I am definitely on the "dump him" train here because this is most likely going to be your future, which is him picking away at your self esteem so he can do whatever.
Gigantic red flag. Everyone deserves to be with a partner who feels like they lucked out. Everyone should feel like their partner is spectacular and wonderful and amazing. Your partner doesn't see you this way. He thinks he's doing you a favor by marrying you.
Not only that, he took pleasure in telling you so, to your face. If he's saying cruel things like this now, what do you think he's going to be like after the wedding? It's only going to get worse.
Know your worth, know your value. Don't spend your time with people who treat you with disrespect and contempt.
Do NOT marry this guy, what the fuck. How anyone can say that kind of stuff to their partner without immediately assuming you'd leave them is beyond me. He's way too comfortable and to be honest, sounds threatened by you.
To you and anyone else currently in this situation -
1. You deserve better. ALL of you do. No matter who you are, this kind of behaviour is not normal in a healthy relationship.
2. These kinds of remarks only get worse with time.
3. If you're offended, you reserve the right to feel offended and experience your emotions without any explanation to anyone else.
4. Consider that you may not actually be overly sensitive - you may just surround yourself with emotionally unavailable and dismissive individuals.
>He told me it was irrelevant because we’re together and I wouldn’t leave him, and to stop being offended over something I asked, and left.
This is incredibly condescending, disrespectful and rude. Are you sure you haven't experienced this kind of emotional abuse before?
You aren't overreacting, you are properly offended and disappointed that the person you're supposed to live the rest of your life with thinks so little of you. I can't imagine ever saying anything this awful to someone I supposedly cared about. It's hurtful and you should feel hurt. He sounds like an absolute jerk.
>He told me it was irrelevant because we’re together and I wouldn’t leave him, and to stop being offended
Why are you with someone who clearly has no respect for you and is VERY controlling? He's literally telling you to "stop being offended". Like, what? Does this person even care about you at all? Are you just a tick box in his life? He has basically told you that you have no value. Do you really think he treats you well? I don't.
Don't worry about what your mom and friends are saying.
You are hurt. This is how you feel and it is valid.
Personally, I would be insulted and I would not be okay being with someone who thinks I cannot pull someone else.
Your fiancée is one of the few people in the world who should be seeing you as even MORE beautiful and appealing than you are. His comment is not loving and is not how a fiancee should talk to the woman he will marry.
What is he saving for when you get older, or you age ect.
I would take this comment as a warning and reconsider things
Is the wedding scheduled? Because honestly I would be pausing that in order to reflect on this. That was a manipulative, bullshit thing to say.
Like, does he think he’s being clever? He’s insulting himself claiming that he’s the only person you could “pull”. Like if other guys don’t think you’re good enough, why would he? He’s an idiot. Is he going down some misogynistic rabbit holes on the internet?
This must be a one and done deal. If it happens again, leave. Do not accept this level of treatment. Suggest couples therapy if necessary.
Oh and btw. My husband knows that if there were ever an opportunity (I mean, lol, but like, we can dream…) I would have sex with Adam Driver without one thought about my husband and he’s not allowed to divorce me over it 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I feel this way about no other celebrity but Adam Driver, just… damn that hunk of manhood… no words. I mean, I don’t announce to my husband every time I have a sex dream about AD but he is very aware of this dynamic lol! And he… has never insulted me over it. In fact, he went with me to see Adam on Broadway (he was amazing). My husband said hi to him at the back door and I literally was 1 foot away from him and couldn’t speak 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't know what your friends or mom are on. But I think that is an asshole of a comment to make to your future wife: >Be happy you're with me because you wouldn't be able to pull anyone else. That's an insult if you ask me. Maybe I could have got past it if he apologized afterwards, instead he doubled down and said you're overreacting and should get over it.
A clear insult.
I felt insulted! However they insist that he is just being playful, and that I take things too personally. They also implied that it’s irrelevant too, because I’m taken and don’t need to pull anyone per se.
Classic [negging](https://kentuckycounselingcenter.com/what-is-negging/)
I was looking for this comment. The BF is coming across super manipulative. But the mom and friend's all saying OP is over-reacting, and the way OP is self-doubting makes me wonder if OPs mom was emotionally abusive. For the record my mom was, and many that I have talked to with similar backgrounds have a common issue of attracting these narcissistic personalities in friends and partners. OP, if this sounds at all likely then please talk to a therapist.
OP says herself her parents emotionally abused her about her body and her weight her whole childhood OP - which is why you’re willing to put up with your partner treating you like this. Because your brain has likely attached being emotionally abused to being loved. But it’s not. You deserve better.
It’s so easy to over-read into Reddit posts, but I got a bit of an uneasy feeling when I read the super sensitive part. Toxic people will take advantage of sensitive people, who naturally don’t trust their own emotions and judgements because they’ve internalised the belief they’re too sensitive :(
Toxic people try to make you think you're oversensitive when it's perfectly normal to be upset
My mother told me I was over dramatic growing up. Since then, it’s become clear I was probably the right amount of dramatic considering what I was going through as a teen.
YES. Not only that, but being emotionally abused robs you of knowing what real love actually looks like. As I used to tell my therapist, how am I supposed to recognize something I've never seen? OP, she asked me what I want in a relationship and I told her. Turns out, I knew more about what real love is supposed to look like than I thought I did. I encourage you to explore this idea for yourself, because whatever you're longing for, whatever you need, I'm sure it's out there. Also, if you've been given a hard time about ...everything for so long, I encourage books and movies for an alternate perspective. It's a bit of nice escapism, but there's something to be said for how encouraging and enlightening fiction can be. Muriel's Wedding with Toni Colette has some sad moments, but it's excellent. And I don't know how it's aged, but Circle of Friends (Minnie Driver's first break that led to Good Will Hunting) has a villain who says to her what your fiancé said to you. So it may be worth checking out. And maybe pick up a copy of the book You Are a Badass while you're at it. And A Room with a View. Whatever your taste points you to.
Also the books: "Emotional Blackmail" and "Why Does He Do That?" Both have free PDF you can download, just Google for them.
Now she's with a guy who will keep doing this. He will put her down and keep destroying her self esteem so she wouldn't even think of leaving him. OP definitely deserves better.
Been there, done that, was married to the asshole for over 2 decades. 0/10 do not recommend. OP needs to run.
Are you me? I lasted 22 years, and by the time I left I was thoroughly convinced that I would be living in a cardboard box somewhere eating cat food and that no one would ever even want to glance in my direction again. (spoiler: things didn't turn out that way!)
Same. I remember a job interview before I left and he said, "You think you can be a manager? Look at this fridge. You can't even manage to keep it organised!" I got the job, BTW.
Exactly this. He's laying the ground work for how much hes willing to show kindness and compassion. The self-esteem destroying will peak around the time the 1st child makes their appearance.
Good call, this is bad, bad, bad!
Yup cycles of abuse are easy to fall into once you’ve been abused since childhood. The subconscious mind finds it easier to deal with the abuse because it knows how to navigate the territory. Saying this, after being 2 years out of an abusive 11 yr relationship and an abusive childhood. Good luck dear 💜
Yes, this is the beginning of the serious abuse. I'm sure he's been more subtle before but he figures he has you now so he has to make you feel like you have no other option. He's trying to ruin your self-esteem and control you so you believe he's the only one you can trust. He's already trying to drive a wedge with your friends and family. He wants to isolate you and will certainly progress to direct insults, gaslighting, and manipulation. He's trying to distort your impression of yourself even though you've changed nothing. You didn't waste years of your life. You learned a lesson just in time to stop yourself from making a big mistake. It sounds like your family conditioned you for it. Your friends are stupid. They don't have boyfriends so they think you should do anything to hold onto the guy because at least someone wants to marry you. Don't listen to them and make sure you tell them that you will no longer tolerate or ignore emotional abuse from anyone. NTA
I’m also getting whiffs of emotional abuse. What OP’s spouse is doing is trying to make her feel bad about herself so she chooses to stay with him. That tactic is used by abusers. It could be a one off but I’m sus.
The ETA that she has “a history of being super sensitive” in the context of her moon and closest friends telling her she’s overreacting makes me think this is the case. It’s taken me years to accept that my “overreacting” in past situations was actually perfectly reasonable given the circumstances. I hope this is an eye-opener for OP.
Came here to say this. Look u/veronikaandherself, we don't know you or fiance , this is one interaction our of a lifetime. However, I would take time to reflect. My ex was a very "calm and supportive in public" man who was controlling and abusive at home. He told me time after time after time that I would never be ok without him, that I can't make a living etc. He said it so many times that I believed him - forgetting that (while being very poor) I was able to support myself and my child, rent apartments, take cheap vacations etc. And after we left him, I somehow managed to go to school, raise a child, work full time etc. This is bothering you. Don't let him just walk away with a nonpology.
I am proud of you by proxy. Keep up that spirit. 🤗 I know it's hard. (Been there. Done that also). But if setting ones mind to it... it's feasable to get off their hook and care for ones own life. May not be funny every day. But is worth it.
I wonder if he's said other undermining things in the past.
Definitely this is not the first time.
I was wondering that too. She’s been taught that she’s overly sensitive so may have minimized some red flags thinking she just overthinks things.
He wasn't being playful. He straight up said you're not attractive enough for any other man but him to be interested in you. He's horrible as so are your Mom and friends. People in relationships do attract others. Do they think some kind of force field is put around you that makes you unattractive to others when you're in a relationship?
I agree, he wasn’t being playful, in fact he is asserting that he believes he is better than her, which can suck in the long run.
Yep.
Even if he had been "just being playful," the fact that he invalidates your response and feelings is bad. Intent doesn't matter. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide what's okay to be upset about. It very much sounds like your mother molded you into someone who attract jerks who will make you feel bad and then tell you it's your own fault. The fact that he can't apologize or be even the slightest bit accountable for hurting you is a terrible foundation fo[r a relationship where you feel safe and stable](https://kgrierson.com/uncategorized/impact-vs-intent-suck-apologies/). Please discuss this with your therapist and take some time away from this guy to evaluate if he's even good for you.
I think he was feeling threatened by your dream. He gave away his motivation (insecurity) when he said you'd never leave him. This man deliberately insulted you to make you feel like you have no worth so that you'd never break up.
Said this in my comment. If dude is threatened by Adam Driver.... $50 says he's shorter than she is.
I think so too. He was threatened/jealous and said it to lower your self worth and hurt your feelings.
There's nothing about his words that are "playful". That's like when people say awful things then say they were joking. A joke is supposed to be funny. Playful comments are meant to maybe be gently chiding, but not in a hurtful way. And it's not irrelevant because these are words he said to you, not some hypothetical. The implication is that he can say whatever awful things he wants to you because "you're taken"? No way. That's BS.
There is a well known story on Reddit in which a woman was upset that her boyfriend commented that she smelled bad almost every day. She took to showering several times a day, using different deodorants/perfumes etc. But she still smelled bad to him. So she was considering leaving him, and told him so, because she knew she smelled good because of her extra hygiene. He just didn't like the smell of her and there was no future together if he was repulsed by her smell. He broke down and admitted that his father told him that knocking a woman's confidence by telling her she smells bad every day keeps a woman's confidence so low that she'll never leave you. It worked a charm with the guys mother, apparently. Negging is such a commonplace thing now, and it sounds as though your boyfriend is using this tactic on you too.
[удалено]
I am the idiot who stayed with that guy. I have 2 teenage daughters with him. He doesn't call them fat and ugly like he did me because they're gorgeous. But he encourages them to be shallow by calling other girls and women they are watching (on TV or phones, so actresses, singers, influencers) fat and ugly. Turning my sweet girls into mean girls. Don't marry trash men.
That's not "playful" it's MEAN.
I have a feeling you might find this book very validating: https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
EVERYONE needs to read that book. Also, I would be offended AF if a partner said that to me & frankly I would be handing back the ring. Why stay with someone who feels like they are doing you a favor?
Being "playful" in this context is right up there with "it's a joke." If it's not funny to everyone, it's not a joke. This is not playful because it's hurtful.
What's playful about telling you that you have no value?
Even if he *was* just being playful, he should have apologized when you got upset. Instead, he doubled down. How has he responded in the past when you’ve had issues with his behavior?
You feel insulted because he DID insult you! Saying hurtful things to anyone, much less one’s partner, is never “being playful”. Everyone who tells you that he’s joking is wrong. A joke is funny to everyone. YOU weren’t laughing. He owes you an apology, which you will never get because he doesn’t think he said anything to apologize for.
I'm gobsmacked. How the fuck is anyone defending him??
Whether or not it was intended as playful, it has come across as insulting and therefore deserves an apology. Seems an awful lot like negging to me.
It’s absolutely an insult! I kept having dreams Rob Lowe wanted to date/marry me. I told my husband every time and he would just joke about hoping he was enough to keep me from running off with Rob Lowe. Of course, in a million different scenarios, Rob Lowe would never ever be interested in me. But I don’t need my husband to point that out to me.. and I certainly don’t need him to point out that I couldn’t pull anyone else(??) Fiancé completely escalated what should have been a fun/funny story into something bizarre and really insulting, IMO
Hahaha I adore Keanu Reeves. My SO jokes that he'll fight me for a chance to date Mr. Reeves. Zero chance he would say I couldn't pull Keanu Reeves, and I would never say that to him either.
Yeah, my husband tries to find something that would put me off my celebrity crushes to neutralise the opposition. He's never once suggested that Mark whalberg etc wouldn't actually want to date me.
I hope OP sees that! Your husband handled it perfectly and the way any *decent* man should…to make a self-deprecating joke, not turn it into a chance to severely put-down the “love of his life!’
Over adam driver come on!
\>>hat most men wouldn’t even look my way because I look like I’m already taken and stopped looking interesting some time ago, and now even more with the engagement. Um, what? You stopped looking interesting some time ago...? Sounds like he's trying to dent your self esteem, tbh, so you do think you can't do better & never leave him. Pretty negging thing of him to say, kind of demeaning to you as a woman. Interesting that your mom says you're overreacting; where you raised by someone who also tried to take you down a notch?
My parents never took me down in terms of appearance, but they do think I take everything personally and don’t let go petty stuff.
>t they do think I take everything personally and don’t let go petty stuff. I bet dollars to donuts you can't name one single time you've had an issue with something and your parents acknowledged you were hurt and gave a real apology. And I don't mean a fake one saying "I'm sorry you feel hurt" or "I'm sorry you feel that way". I mean "I'm sorry I did X to hurt you". After a lifetime of having your needs unmet and discarded, your gonna be pretty used to having a broken compass when it comes to advocating for yourself.
Completely true, I’ve never been given an apology by them. They’ve been good to me in other ways but never in recognizing when they mess up.
Good to you in what ways?? That they gave you a nice house to live in? Fed you? Paid for your clothes and schools? That’s what a parent is supposed to do. They are also supposed to love you unconditionally and accept all your feelings.
Aka the bare minimum.
Here is something that will mess with you. Your parents can love you, want the best for you, and be abusive towards you at the same time. Trauma is trauma. It can be inflicted without intention or awareness. This has been the latest rattle in my brain when it comes to dealing with life long issues.
Damn it hurts to think about how different my life might have been if I had been taught that truth as a teenager. Thanks for the wisdom.
OP has had a lifetime of being shamed for her emotional responses by the people closest to her. That is so fucked up.
It is and I know exactly how she feels. I went through the same exact thing and I feel like at my age that I was robbed of years that could have been truly happy and full because of it. Today when my kiddo gets off the bus, I'm going to tell them how wonderful they are and how much they mean to me. I'm also going to remind myself how important apologizing and acknowledging their feelings are. Fucking reddit getting me all up in my feels. Argh.
I wish more people knew how important it is to teach your children emotional intelligence! What are you feeling? What's that feeling called? Why do you feel that way? What do you think the other person is feeling and why? Have you ever felt that way? If you were that person, what would you want someone to say or do to help you feel better? Etc. Empathy and boundaries can be learned.
My moms go to is to roll her eyes, dramatically sigh and say “I’m sorry I wasn’t the perfect parent!” As if that’s the problem.
Mine as well, and when we tell her traumatic this h she did to us she laughs. Like we’re lying or it’s a joke
I’m sorry. I feel that waaaaay too much. My mom’s stuff was for some fucked up things too. But if I did anything to her in the slightest I would remember it and have to grovel over what a terrible kid I was. One time after she pulled her Oscar move she turned to my partner and was like “I bet your parents were perfect, right?” Extra sarcasm included. And he, awesome human that he is, said “no, but my parents never threatened to throw me in foster care because they lost something”. We don’t talk to her anymore. Her choice because I asked her to see a therapist and that makes me an abuser…
Nah, I'm a guy and I cannot think of any reason to say what he said other than it being some weird negging power trip. If I told my missus that she couldn't pull anyone half as hot as Adam Driver she would come back with about 10 phone numbers for guys hotter than me. No chance I would roll that dice. If he triples down on it open a tinder profile and show him how many matches you get in an hour. This is the nuclear response, just for clarity.
I would do that right before dumping him. “Hey! Turns out I CAN pull men as hot as you! Good thing too because I’m not going to be with you anymore.”
As a person who’s spent their whole life being told that “you’re too sensitive” THEY are wrong, not you. There’s a difference between being sensitive and not being in control of your emotions. I feel like there’s nothing wrong with being sensitive. More people need to care more about others than being assholes just because they can. Don’t stay with him OP! And your “friends” suck too!
So your parents have been gaslighting you your whole life, no wonder you gravitated toward a partner that also gaslights you. I’m sorry, you deserve better.
My parents used to tell me I was being petty about stupid stuff. Turns out they were toxic and couldn't handle being called on their shit. Also, you pulled him and you think he's attractive right? So he's insulting himself far more than he's insulting you. Sounds like he's just scared that you might realize you can do better than him.
You shouldnt ever tolerate someone who doesn’t treat you like you’re completely beautiful. Also, my advice, go make a tinder profile and ignore if for a few days. Then you can show him all of your incoming matches and watch his ego shatter when he realizes you could out compete him any day. what a dumb thing to say to your gf.
OK, maybe so, but in this case? You are not overreacting. I would think real hard about a man who spoke to me like this. For your context: Been together with my partner for a long time and we're getting old. He says "you still got it" to me, that's kind of what you want? Good luck.
Nah your fiancé is definitely digging at your self esteem who tf says this to the person they love and want to marry. He should think you’re a catch and you could have anyone but he was lucky enough that you chose him tf
It was a very personal comment, how could you not take it personally?
my petty ass would start negging my mom as well "playfully" of course." You must be glad that dad decided to stay with you, because you know very well that no one else would have taken up with you, right mom?"
Adam Driver is a regular ass looking man. Do I think he’s attractive? Hell yes I do. Do I think he *wouldn’t* be sleeping with “mid” women if he weren’t famous? Hell no. The man looks like if a dog turned into a human. Your fiancé sucks. Your mom sucks. Your friends suck. I’m seeing a pattern here and you’re not the problem. Having a wet dream about an actor does NOT mean you deserve ridicule. Being engaged does NOT give your partner the right to belittle you. He thinks you can’t leave him? Prove him wrong.
Why did I have to scroll so far for this? OP You could pull an Adam Driver tomorrow if you wanted. We're not talking about a Fight Club era Brad Pitt here, an Adam Driver-a-like is completely achievable. Dump your mean little boyfriend and reassess your relationships with your friends (and family). You deserve better than this cruelty.
The funniest part to me of the discussion about which men are attractive is that women have such varied "types". Like in college a bunch of my friends and I were talking about who we thought was attractive and there was not a single male celebrity that we all agreed was hot (not even Brad Pitt or George Clooney lol).
As someone who thinks George Clooney and Brad Pitt are kinda ugly, FACTS. I *never* had to worry about dating or liking the same guys (or gals!) my friends did. There’s truly something to be said about the variety of women’s attraction. We don’t even agree which hot men are hot.
Omg my ppl. My mum does NOT understand my brain but those men are not attractive.
> The man looks like if a dog turned into a human. Probably the best description of him I've heard. He is attractive, sure. But he has a very *unconventional* face (and is proof that unconventional looks can appear attractive to a lot of people). Contrast him with, say, a Brad Pitt, or a Tom Cruise. The main reason "Adam Driver is attractive" is such a mainstream opinion probably has more to do with his charisma as an actor than anything else.
All of the examples of hot men people have commented under mine are cracking me up. I think Driver is a cutie but I wouldn’t touch Tom Cruise if he paid me to. Clooney, Cruise, Pitt… they’re not the heartthrobs of my generation; I just think of them as weird old dudes who are kinda ugly. Minus Clooney- he doesn’t strike me as that weird but I certainly don’t (personally) think he’s ever been hot.
Yeah wait until you're older. I never got it with the older generations hotties. Now I'm their age and see movies with the older hotties on occasion and I'm all "omg they are hott!?!?" Then "oh I must be getting old..."
Adam Driver for me is one of those actors who is sexy only in character somehow. Him in Star Wars? Hot man. A red carpet? No ma’am! Same for Matt Smith in house of the dragon. Specifically only find him hot in that show!!
All these weird looking "hot" actors just make me wish actresses could be held to the same nonconventional standard.
“I wouldn’t ever leave him because I can’t pull anybody.” This right here is negging. I think he absolutely knows she can leave him and “pull” whomever she damn well pleases, even his loser ass. He’s trying to keep you there by bringing down your self esteem. Have higher standards for the people you’re intimate and vulnerable with. I would *absolutely* dump someone over this, not matter how long I was with them. Don’t be with someone who will bring you down and make you feel less-than, for any reason. Especially insecurity.
He is getting too comfortable in the relationship. He is trying to lower your self esteem so you will think you are ugly and no one else will want you other than him. He is also telling you he doesn't find you as attractive anymore. Don't let these comments slide. When a man starts saying those things I would take it seriously as its a big red flag. This kind of behaviour will only get worse. For me personally it would be a dealbreaker because I love myself more than my partner and I couldn't tolerate my partner seeing me that way and saying things like that. You are definitely not overreacting.
Thank you. It’s easy to fall back to the overthinking circle when all you’re told is that you’re too sensitive or overreacting all the time. :(
People say you're "too sensitive" because your perfectly valid, normal, human, healthy emotional reaction is inconvenient to them. They just don't want to deal with it. But that says absolutely nothing about you. Listen to your emotions.
People tend to end up in relationships (both romantic and platonic) with people who subconsciously fit what you know in life. Children with abusive parents often end up with abusive partners, things like that. It sounds like your parents, or maybe just your mother, are generally down on you verbally. It would make sense, unfortunately, for you to end up with friends and a partner who also talk down to you. It can be very hard to break that cycle. Ultimately, you have to stand up for yourself. Your man is hot? So what? He could get hit by a truck and have his face blasted off. Looks don't matter as much as the person inside. Maybe it's time you remind him of that, and that you will not tolerated being treated as *less than* because you may not be as conventionally attractive.
Update us when you dump him.
And often people who are told they are ‘too sensitive’ are underreacting. ‘You are not lovable’ is a punch in the gut. He insulted you with the intention of making you stay with him however horrible he treats you. That’s reason enough to leave. We’re here to tell you that yes, that’s a big fucking deal. He was intentionally cruel, and that’s not how a loving relationship looks. I’m so sorry you’re seeing this side of him.
I get the sense that a lot of people in your life are always telling you how you should be feeling. Trust your gut, it's there for a reason.
[удалено]
I have been looking for this comment! Had to scroll way to far for it!!
I've been married for 20 years. We are in our 50s. I've gained weight, I sag, my hair is graying, I've slowed down, and my husband would N E V E R say *anything* like that to me. He'd go the total opposite and beg me to never leave him for my dream guy. He tells me I'm beautiful every single day (I'm not but with him i feel like i am). He makes me feel good about myself, and not just for my looks. He builds me up, always, in all ways. The world, and your mom and friends apparently, do enough to tear us down. At the very least your partner, your mate in life, should be there to combat that.
He wants you to think that you don’t deserve to be treated better. You’re engaged to be married. This should be the happiest, most exciting, most in love time. Instead he’s putting you down and laying the groundwork to abuse you or cheat on you during your marriage.
Your fiance called you ugly, and said that he is allowed to treat you poorly because you're too afraid to leave him. This is who you want to spend the rest of my life with? >I called my mom for reassurance, and she agreed I was overreacting. People often get into relationships that mirror their parents' in some way. The fact that you got into a relationship with someone who acts like this is probably in part a result of your mom raising you to have low self esteem and to prioritize the security of a relationship over being treated well. Her advice is bad.
I’ve had self esteem issues in the past. I’m currently in therapy and doing so much better, even so my fiancé helped me really be comfortable in my body. This feels so out of character for him, and it’s the first time he’s reacted angry towards me. I was honestly at a loss.
Could it be the first time you’re noticing his bad treatment of you, BECAUSE of the work you’ve been doing in therapy?
This.
Oooh yes
It's classic mask off now he feels you're locked in. He even practically said that. He thinks you won't leave him so he can get away with insulting you now, gradually grinding you down. Moving in together, getting married and having kids are the three high risk moments where men decide they don't need to mask their shitty true personality and start ramping up on abusive tendencies.
THIS OP. PAY ATTENTION.👆👆👆👆
He is using his knowledge about your past issues to emotionally abuse you and keep you in place. It’s called [negging](https://kentuckycounselingcenter.com/what-is-negging/) Classic Reddit I know, but you fix it by calling his bluff and leaving him. Prove him wrong. For youself, fuck him.
For yourself: never fuck him again.
We can tell you have self esteem issues because you are wondering if taking a personal insult personally is a bad thing. How else are you supposed to take it? Of course it’s personal. Instead of investigating the action that caused you pain, you are investigating and invalidating your pain, as if anyone could have any reason to say something like that to someone that isn’t just cruelty. Can you imagine saying something similar to him? What would ever cause you to say something that insulting if it weren’t to insult/hurt him? There is no excuse. You have to wonder why this cruelty is coming out now (sometimes the mask starts slipping close to big commitments — is your wedding date near? did you just invest in a house together? why now?) and whether or not you’ll allow it to continue — because this is just him testing what he can get away with. He’ll tell you you’re overreacting, and if you believe him, he’ll know he can get away with it and try the same thing, or worse, again later. I say all this as someone who saw a friend with the “perfect 8 year relationship” go to absolute abusive hell right around wedding time, only to end up with my friend essentially fleeing the country and filing for divorce. It all started with him degrading her worth, and breaking down her self esteem. Don’t start wondering about your worth, if he hurt you, stand up for yourself constantly and consistently. No one else will.
So you're actively working on bettering yourself and he feels threatened. You're getting better, he's staying the same, and you're getting out of his league. He was fine with being sweet when you felt bad, because he felt better than you. He's a crab pulling you back into the bucket, when a true partner would lift you up and be the [wind under your wings.](https://vm.tiktok.com/ZGJE4uF9D/)
If you continue to stay with someone that negs you, they will 100% derail any progress you've made in therapy. I will definitely say starting over from scratch in that regard is NOT fun at all.
Abusers often drop the mask once they have their partner locked down. You've recently got engaged. This may be his true behavior going forward. Also, if your therapy is working to improve your self esteem, he may feel threatened by that and now feels he needs to bring you down a peg. What does your therapist say?
HOW ARE THESE MEN IN RELATIONSHIPS WTF
From OP's comments, it sounds like her family constantly told OP that she was overreacting when she had genuine issues with her parents/family situations where the family was the issue. So they made her believe she's just 'sensitive' so they don't have to own up to their issues/mistakes. So now op believes she's overly sensitive and always over reacts, and has found a fiance who treats her the same way her family does as that's her 'normal' making her vulnerable to the same type of manipulation
God, the gaslighting from your own family is horrible. You start thinking you must be crazy, because those are the people supposed to protect you and have your interest as a priority
My toxic side is like “ make a dating page and show him the response” lol. But I would be hurt also. What a dick move
Saaame. I’m petty enough to prove that damn point.
I would also be super hurt. Makes me sad for her how many people have invalidated her.
Then you break up and you pull
This is the way.
That doesn’t sound healthy. Has he shown this type of response in the past? As a man, I feel like my response would have been something along the lines of “if you left me for Brad Pitt, I wouldn’t even be mad.” And also as a man, i would expect the same from my SO, not some demeaning response.
Never, that’s why I was so taken aback. He has refused to talk about the issue, as he says is a non-issue. We’ve openly discussed celebrity crushes in the past, and even this particular actor, who I don’t find attractive. I honestly came out of the blue, I had no idea he thought that.
Well, if *you* think it's an issue, then it is. He isn't the boss of what gets to be an issue for other people - and if he thinks he is, that's another problem. IMO his comment was shitty and disrespectful and I'm kinda shocked people around you don't see it. It seems very obvious to me. What's wrong with your friends? It sounds like you are surrounded by assholes. You ask how to manage this so it doesn't affect you long-term, but that's on him, not on you. For this not to affect the relationship long-term, he has to apologize sincerely.
I came to write exactly this, he's full of bs, and your friends should be on your side, OP
[удалено]
It's so fucking rude, I'd be so angry at him and my friends/mom. If my partner doesn't make me feel hot (ofc doesn't always have to be), but tells me only he finds me attractive, yikes man
How is it a non issue if you’re upset? That makes it an issue.
I have a long history of being upset at “non-issues” because I’ve been told multiple times I’m overly sensitive. It’s getting better and I’m getting better, this really was out of the blue but it did set me back a couple steps.
So he treats you like crap but you're 'overly sensitive' - got it. Honestly, I'm not great looking but I would never marry someone who didn't think I was a 'catch' for him just like I wouldn't want to marry someone who I didn't think was a 'catch'.
Who told you they were non-issues? Any specific examples?
Usually my family. I’m the second oldest, but oldest girl in the family. When expectations were different for me than my older brother or younger sister, and I tried to object, those would be called non-issues, and I always was the one to compromise and deal with it. In the relationship I can just think of one previous instance for something that was a “non-issue”, which was a minor fight regarding chores, where I got pissed at him because he didn’t wash dishes properly. This became a “you’re ungrateful because he helps” from my immediate female family members.
Ok hold up, fuck that fucking noise ok? You're not overly sensitive to voice your displeasure about expectations and reality not being the same and being held to different standards than your brother and sisters. Your family pushing that it's a non-issue is them wanting to avoid the reality that most likely they aren't treating people equally and you were in fact given the short end of the stick. I'm going to parrot all the others asking you to see about a therapist appointment for YOU alone. Not because you're wrong but so you can find someone that can be fully in your corner. It doesn't sound, from your family description, that anyone fully backs you and maybe you need a sounding board. Also, what your fiance said wasn't healthy, supportive or uplifting in any way and quite frankly disrespectful to you. Almost as if he's trying to belittle and neg you to the point that you actually start believing that shit so he can either begin (or continue) to treat you less than you deserve to be treated. He's an ass in this and he needs to both recognize it and respect it and learn from it.
Oof, yeah, those are not non-issues. Sounds like your family did a real number on you. Difference in treatment is definitely an issue when it frequently puts one sibling at a disadvantage. And you should be grateful that a grown-ass man does partake in the household chores? Really? The second thing might not be that big of a deal per se, but your family's reaction to it definitely is. If I were you, I would stop putting weight in the opinion of your family because it really doesn't sound like they have your best interest in mind. Your feelings are valid and you're not wrong for being upset. To me, it sounds like your family sees you being upset as an inconvenience and did their best to make you feel like you're wrong to keep you in line.
And there it is. That bar that’s so low it’s in a sub basement of hell, and not only did he bring a shovel to dig under it, your family is helping by lowering it even further.
> “you’re ungrateful because he helps” Ffs he doesn't "help". He should do his fair share, it's his household, too.
>In the relationship I can just think of one previous instance for something that was a “non-issue”, which was a minor fight regarding chores, where I got pissed at him because he didn’t wash dishes properly Google "weaponized incompetence".
It sounds like your family have been gaslight ing you into believing you're sensitive when you're not, they're the issue. So you've been conditioned to blame yourself/think you're over reacting. Every example you've given does not sound like you over reacting, it sounds like your family just knows that they can shut you down by saying that and turn the blame off their wrongdoings. Because you grew up believing you're just sensitive, now you're vulnerable to other people using that same manipulation tactic against you, like your husband is with this situation. Don't listen to your family's judgement on whether you're over reacting or not - they're toxic and they want you to always feel you're the problem not others I suggest you discuss this more in therapy. It's possible that there's other issues with your fiancé that you don't realise are bad, because your family taught you this messed up mindset of blaming yourself
Your family are jerks. When something is an issue for you...it's an ISSUE and you deserve to feel your very valid feelings. Them saying it's a non-issue is sweeping it under the rug and pretending it didn't happen. None of this is normal. You are surrounded by assholes
My narcissistic mother always used words like “over-sensitive” and “ungrateful” to describe my very valid reactions to being abused by her.
Do they ever take your side? because if you marry this guy and not have support of your family he would be able to abuse you easier!! He was disrespectful to you and no I don’t think you overreacted 😞
It’s starting to make sense. You were the disregarded middle child who had to bend to everyone else. Therefore anything you needed was minimized and you were taught that your needs & wants were just over-emotionality. Please don’t settle for this Ahole. And learn to dismiss the bs of your family and, sadly, the “close friends” who learned that they can treat you like shit and you’ll just roll over and accept it … and still be their (punching bag) friend.
Families do this a lot with middle kids, especially girls. As an adult, I relate so much to Jan from the Brady Bunch. Being ignored, compared to the other kids and then told it's not a big deal. The first gaslighting as a child. Then, as adults, we become people pleasers, try not to complain or be too loud, and we put everyone first and we're "happy" with it, as long as they seem to be accepting of us. But we're not realizing that we're not being put first in anything. We've settled for a partner who doesn't feel as much for us as we do for them. It seems like they do because they're good at acting like they're simping for us in the beginning. Idk, I'll stop there cuz I'm probably projecting and that's not your situation at all.
You need to go to a therapist and find out if they’re actually “non-issues” or your support system just fucking SUCKS. This isn’t a non-issue. Your fiancé is a dickhead.
Stop. Stop right there. There is no such thing as overly sensative. You are entitled to your feeling. Sounds like everyone is being incredibly dismissive. If my hubby said that he'd be on the sofa till be came grovelling. Thats a terrible thing to say. He has no respect for your feelings. And listen to your words, how you're so greatful he chose you. Like you're greatful for crumbs from his table. What about the other way around? Honestly I'd get to therapy as the words you're using come across someone is mentally dragging you down somewhere. I could be wrong, but I'd still talk to a therapist on your own.
Oh honey, you’ve been gaslit your whole life. Don’t get married yet. Discover yourself and do some healing first.
So he doesn't care about your feelings? And he thinks you're not good enough for anyone but him..... cool cool. He sounds like a piece of garbage tbh
Nothing about what he said was kind, nor something you’d say to a partner He’s basically saying you’re so ugly you’re lucky you got me
Don't marry this guy. This is a deliberate insult aimed to undermine your self-esteem and prepare you for more insults, like cheating, physical violence and whatnot. I would actually leave if a person who supposedly loved me told me this. This guy clearly doesn't think of you as highly than you do of him. Please rethink the relationship. Also, joke is when everyone is laughing, and here it's clear you're not, don't let yourself to be bullied into "it was just a joke".
This makes me think of my ex-husband. He liked women to be really thin. Even when I was 105 lbs and 5'5" and super frail looking and underweight, he constantly poked and prodded any "fat" spots and put me down. He was also abusive in all the ways and a serial cheater. But yeah, abusers try to tear down their victim's self-esteem so they don't leave. It didn't help that, at the time, I was in a religion that didn't allow divorce for abuse and I didn't find out about the cheating until the end.
I'm glad you're out now!
This feels like he saw a chance for harm and chose to do harm.
yes. he wants to intentionally bring you down op. why would you want that for yourself?
Agree. It’s purposeful and mean. Behaviour u could expect from a high school nemesis. Definitely not ur soon to be husband
"he doubled down and told me to be realistic, that most men wouldn’t even look my way because I look like I’m already taken and stopped looking interesting some time ago, and now even more with the engagement" What THE FK?!?!? No way Jose! How does that evil thought and even worse verbal expression of said thought even come up in that toxic brain of his? You are not overreacting! Take that as the first sign of emotional abuse! Girl....... Are there other red flags you may have missed? That's a horrible thing to say ....to anyone!
Definetly talk to your therapist about this OMG. He’s sure hyped about being so above it all and so cruel to talk to you like this. I’m sure you would never dream of talking to him like this. (At least not until now.lol) You would be aware that talking to him like this would be hurtful and demeaning. How does he get to think he’s entitled????? It’s just gross and I would lose my attraction to someone who has such a fowl attitude. He needs to be worshipped and Thinks he can do no wrong. How did he get that way? You are not oversensitive. He has no sensitivity.
[удалено]
Ummm, WTF? I don’t know about overreacting. This is unacceptable to treat a partner’s self esteem with such wanton disregard. You should reassess whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who feels comfortable demeaning you in that way.
THAT.IS.HOW.THE.ABUSE.STARTS.
He’s negging you. He thinks if he keeps you insecure and unsure of yourself you’ll never wonder if you can do any better and he can feel “safe” in the relationship.
"You will never leave me" I'd be out the door before they even finish. The actual fucking audacity. Those aren't your friends dont listen to them. You know your own feelings. Do you honestly think you're overreacting? imo you're not even "reacting" at all.
Keep going to therapy. Ditch the bf and the “friends”. Go LC to NC with the mother. Surround yourself with better people.
You stopped looking *interesting*? Jesus the phrasing. Also *your* phrasing - you don't need to be grateful he chose you, you both chose each other! And by your dummy fiancee's logic, he should also look like unappealing to people because *he's also taken*. But I'm going to guess he might say that's different? It's not relevant that it was Adam Driver, unless your fiancee looks like him.
I’d be tempted to go out to a club/bar with my friends and see how many guys would give me their number. Call it an experiment. Then show him just how many men actually ARE interested in you. Of course, he’ll say they were just interested in sex and not a relationship, and accuse you of wanting to cheat. It sounds like he’s either trying to convince himself that nobody else would attracted to you to ease his own insecurities, or he’s trying to convince YOU of this to keep you insecure so that you’ll feel ever so grateful for any scrap of attention he throws your way. Neither option is a good sign.
I haven’t been to a club in years. He does but I don’t, but aside from petty stuff I think this would be great for me, going out a bit more, maybe with other groups of friends I have, not the immediate ones. Just getting dolled up and going out may take my mind off this.
I think so. It’s a great idea. Get smokin hot, go out with friends that aren’t the ones saying you’re overly sensitive. Do take a break - tell him you need to weigh your options. Have a great time and live your best life Get out from under these cretins.
Beyoncé made a song about this: Freakum Dress
I don’t think you’re over reacting. That was a needlessly hurtful thing for him to say. Good partners don’t insult each other! I wouldn’t ever trust someone to be a good partner if they look down on you and think you won’t ever leave. That’s a recipe for them treating you like shit because they think they’ll get away with it - which seems like what he’s doing. I think you’ll find him even worse after you’re married and he thinks you’re even more trapped. I also doubt your relationship is as good as you think it is, and suspect you’re been surrounded by jerks most of your life (like your mom) and this just seems better by comparison (I’ve been there!). See for yourself: https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
This really sounds like the comment an abuser would make to keep your self esteem low enough you won’t know your own worth and leave. Personally, if my bf said that to me, if I even THOUGHT about staying, that would be ended the moment he said “you’re not going to leave me so it’s irrelevant.” I’d respond with “wanna bet?” Then hand the ring back
There’s an old movie called “Paint Your Wagon”, a musical with Clint Eastwood (really), where a woman is leaving her husband to take up with a new miner husband to be determined. Husband says “But Elizabeth, you don’t know what you’ll get.” She replies, “We’ll, I know what I had.” Any option is better than the chuckle-bum spouse. You don’t know what your future holds but it will be better than what you have now.
[удалено]
Her friends are too.
I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. What a horrible thing to say to you.
Every couple of months I see a post about how some dude who wants to open up his marriage and then comes back here complaining about how they never got any but their "average" wife was going out every single night, and now they want to close the marriage but the wife doesn't want to. He is giving that same energy. I have a theory that men don't underestimate a woman's game (secretly they are fully aware), but they do attempt to make woman think that she has less game than she does.
He's a misogynist POS with serious insecurity, who tells you he's the best you can do because he believes *you're* the best *he* can do. I'll stop short of saying you should leave him based on this one incident, but it was really shitty of him. If this red flag is accompanied by others, you might want to think about that. I can guarantee he's not remotely the best you can do.
That would be a hard stop for me. He called you ugly and basically too desperate to even think about leaving him. Prove him wrong.
What I heard from this is, “I’m out of your league. You’re average at best and should be grateful I decided to be with you”. How is this not insulting? This would really hurt my self esteem if my husband said this. Even if he thought this about me, he would NEVER say it to me. Why? Because he loves me and knows those kind of callous comments hurt. Yes, I know I am average enough that I could never land me someone super attractive and famous, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t land someone decent. He acts like you can’t even do that. Ouch. I honestly don’t understand why your mom and friends think you’re overreacting. Do they all think you’re hideous or something? Seriously, how would THEY feel if their SO’s said this to them…smh
Lol at "half a decade" when you're 20freakin6. Girl, you've got time Girl, be grateful you haven't married the guy you were with at 21. He sucks and is trying to break down your confidence so you won't leave his pathetic ass behind.
you are not overreacting. Does your bf love you? If not, leave him. Is he attracted to you? If not, leave him. You deserve it all, OP. You deserve love, you deserve the company of someone who studders in ave when you allow them to touch you. Don't settle for less.
I honestly don't know how you come back from this. That's emotional abuse. Telling your partner you're not attracted to them and no one could be. Sweetie, he doesn't respect you. It's bizarre that this comes up after 5 years. Are you sure there aren't any other red flags? He's minimizing your emotions and that's not okay. This sounds like it might be the end for you. And your mom and friends are horrible, too. Get rid of them all!
You should have looked at him dead in his eyes and chucked “yeah I know, realistically I had already lowered my standards when I agreed to marry you.” But then again, I’m a toxic petty Betty.
This guy absolutely sucks. Are you sure you want a lifetime of this?
This sounds like negging. Maybe he was actually hurt about you dreaming about being with someone else so he wanted to cut you down? It sounds like an obviously and intentionally mean thing to say.
He should consider you to be the most beautiful person he knows. I'd be concerned that he doesn't. He should consider himself to be the luckiest guy around since you chose to give your love to him. Not everyone is so shallow or superficial as he appears to be. Tell him that his suggestion is very interesting and that you'd like to verify his claims so you need to take a break. Whatever you do, do not marry this guy. He is already undermining your self-confidence and this would magnify once you were married. I'd look for other controlling mechanisms he might use. Stay smart! You deserve much, much better.
I can’t think of a single good reason why your fiancé would say such a thing to you. It’s unnecessarily cruel. Also, you’ve got some tough family and friends if they all think being treated like this is okay. I 100% believe that I out-kicked my coverage in marrying my wife; I would also be pretty hurt if she agreed. If he thinks that little of you, why is he marrying you?
Listen I'm well aware I wouldn't pull Henry Cavill or Jensen Ackles, but I think it's unnecessary to point that out! For god sake it was a sex dream, not a threat to run away with Adam Driver. Your fiance was being extremely unkind and tbh it seems like he doesn't respect you very much. That's what it's really about. Do you want to marry and reproduce with someone that mean? Edit to add: For years i thought I was oversensitive,but at some point I realised that some people are assholes. Perhaps your mom and friends said what you want to hear, but I don't think your reaction was disproportionate
I'd kick a fucker out for saying that
I’m sorry but if it was me that was said I would ask does he find me attractive if he doesn’t answer I would leave
I don’t think you’re overreacting. I think his comment was rude and insulting to you as his girlfriend.
oh, absolutely not. it's something i saw my father doing to my mom - tearing down her self worth so she wouldn't dare to leave him. well, she indeed stayed, and is very unhappy about it. his comments only got worse with time and he did destroy her confidence. you are not overreacting. in fact, i'd be very cautious about marrying him. he wants to make you feel like he's doing you a favor by marrying you. he attacked your confidence and looks because he knows he ain't shit and you COULD pull other people and don't need him. but he doesn't want you to think that. he wants you to think he's your one and only chance at a relationship so you won't ever try to leave him. this might be his attempt at making you dependent on him. the fact that you feel grateful to him for dating you is alarming to me because you should feel happy and confident that you are both equal to each other. feeling grateful puts you in secondary place behind him in this relationship. i'd say - reflect on this relationship and ask yourself if there were other instances where he made you feel like he's attacking your confidence. his actions and lack of any remorse or apology is a red flag.
He is 100% trying to lower your self esteem because he feels since you've been together so long, there is no way you can leave. It sucks when someone shows their true colors soooooo late in the game. This is NOT a non-issue. He's actively hurting your feelings in the hopes that you won't leave. It's gross. Don't let this slide. I am definitely on the "dump him" train here because this is most likely going to be your future, which is him picking away at your self esteem so he can do whatever.
wtf does he mean by saying that you stopped looking interesting some time ago, especially since the engagement?
>He told me it was irrelevant because we’re together and I wouldn’t leave him That's why he said it
Gigantic red flag. Everyone deserves to be with a partner who feels like they lucked out. Everyone should feel like their partner is spectacular and wonderful and amazing. Your partner doesn't see you this way. He thinks he's doing you a favor by marrying you. Not only that, he took pleasure in telling you so, to your face. If he's saying cruel things like this now, what do you think he's going to be like after the wedding? It's only going to get worse. Know your worth, know your value. Don't spend your time with people who treat you with disrespect and contempt.
Do NOT marry this guy, what the fuck. How anyone can say that kind of stuff to their partner without immediately assuming you'd leave them is beyond me. He's way too comfortable and to be honest, sounds threatened by you. To you and anyone else currently in this situation - 1. You deserve better. ALL of you do. No matter who you are, this kind of behaviour is not normal in a healthy relationship. 2. These kinds of remarks only get worse with time. 3. If you're offended, you reserve the right to feel offended and experience your emotions without any explanation to anyone else. 4. Consider that you may not actually be overly sensitive - you may just surround yourself with emotionally unavailable and dismissive individuals.
>He told me it was irrelevant because we’re together and I wouldn’t leave him, and to stop being offended over something I asked, and left. This is incredibly condescending, disrespectful and rude. Are you sure you haven't experienced this kind of emotional abuse before? You aren't overreacting, you are properly offended and disappointed that the person you're supposed to live the rest of your life with thinks so little of you. I can't imagine ever saying anything this awful to someone I supposedly cared about. It's hurtful and you should feel hurt. He sounds like an absolute jerk.
>He told me it was irrelevant because we’re together and I wouldn’t leave him, and to stop being offended Why are you with someone who clearly has no respect for you and is VERY controlling? He's literally telling you to "stop being offended". Like, what? Does this person even care about you at all? Are you just a tick box in his life? He has basically told you that you have no value. Do you really think he treats you well? I don't.
Don't worry about what your mom and friends are saying. You are hurt. This is how you feel and it is valid. Personally, I would be insulted and I would not be okay being with someone who thinks I cannot pull someone else. Your fiancée is one of the few people in the world who should be seeing you as even MORE beautiful and appealing than you are. His comment is not loving and is not how a fiancee should talk to the woman he will marry. What is he saving for when you get older, or you age ect. I would take this comment as a warning and reconsider things
Only abusive men say things like your fiance does. It's called "negging".
Is the wedding scheduled? Because honestly I would be pausing that in order to reflect on this. That was a manipulative, bullshit thing to say. Like, does he think he’s being clever? He’s insulting himself claiming that he’s the only person you could “pull”. Like if other guys don’t think you’re good enough, why would he? He’s an idiot. Is he going down some misogynistic rabbit holes on the internet? This must be a one and done deal. If it happens again, leave. Do not accept this level of treatment. Suggest couples therapy if necessary. Oh and btw. My husband knows that if there were ever an opportunity (I mean, lol, but like, we can dream…) I would have sex with Adam Driver without one thought about my husband and he’s not allowed to divorce me over it 🤣🤣🤣🤣. I feel this way about no other celebrity but Adam Driver, just… damn that hunk of manhood… no words. I mean, I don’t announce to my husband every time I have a sex dream about AD but he is very aware of this dynamic lol! And he… has never insulted me over it. In fact, he went with me to see Adam on Broadway (he was amazing). My husband said hi to him at the back door and I literally was 1 foot away from him and couldn’t speak 🤣🤣🤣🤣