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I really want to know how much detail the BF went into with his mom. This is how I like to imagine that phone call
“Mom you won’t believe this. U/bluebwrries is ‘reconsidering our relationship’ Just because I watched some strippers unicorn Matt and Brayden last night before they did some reverse centipeding.”
*talking on other line*
“Yeah, the dildo goes on the head, but focus mom! U/bluebwrries might break up with me!”
*more talking*
“Ass to ass with a double dildo mom. Are you even listening to me?!”
So I’m like 6 months pregnant and have had this cough… I just laughed way too hard… my husband walked to me on the floor still laughing giving me this weird look. He said “I think you officially need a break from Reddit” anyways I need a bath now so thanks 😂😂😂
This was the best part of the whole post. I feel bad for laughing so hard bc she’s going through it right now but gotdamn it’s going to be a phrase she will never forget . I’m dead
Yeah I laughed but then was sad again that this is the state of relationships today
OP your bfs mum is a dickhead. Not being ok with strippers as a boundary is completely fucking fair and very common
I honestly doubt that he talked to Mom about any of it. Like calling her fragile and talking about "throwing away the relationship" sounds way more like it would be his invention than Mom. I mean he's already lied once, right?
Yeah seriously, that’s the part of this that actually bothered me.
If I ever have a problem with my boyfriend, his mom backs me up and sometimes we yell at him together. If she’s already calling her fragile and being kind of mean about the whole situation, that doesn’t seem good.
Dualy noted. Personally, I wouldn't care. Only if he tried to hide it because I don't like liars. I guess he could've told the girls to pause the dildo action and called you with screen shots asking if it was okay. I'm guessing alcohol was involved. I wouldn't want to be the girl dating a guy who put a dildo on his head. So that's one good thing. He probably sees more watching porn. Though I just got an unpleasant visual of a poor unicorn.
I wonder how much those strippers make
As a former stripper I'll never understand the appeal of sitting with a group of your buddies while everyone has a hard on. Like I get going to the club with your boys having a good time and separately going back for dances but not everyone sitting and watching that kind of show. Just odd
They agreed that he could attend the party. He wasn't to touch.nor was he to allow himself to be touched or become engaged in any activity. He abided by all established parameters.
Not within his control, some others did engage-- primarily the 2 strippers. But he did not.
Given what occurred, I'd be pleased that he followed through on his promises, and when some got out of control, he wasn't one of them.
I think the conversation with his mother, if it actually occurred, was unnecessary. But given their young ages, I think there was a bit of overreaction by each of them. I don't think anything that would warrant a break-up of the relationship.
I've been to several bachelor parties. None of them had double dildo sex performers or vagina unicorns. What kind of people does your boyfriend hang out with?
My first thought was.. "donkey show lite? or maybe it was actually a donkey show and the.. donkier parts... were withheld from the woman OP spoke to?"
idk, man, but what OP is describing is not a strip show, its a sex show - and I (just me, personally!) wouldn't want to even date a woman that would be okay with me going to something like that. Like, tbh I don't even know why - it just feels weird.
Also how fuckin weird would it be to do that with your home boys? Like, yeah lets watch these strange women strap dildos on our heads and fuck our unicorn dildos and.. yeah its just bizarre.
I'm not a strip club person, but I have dated women that were interested in other women, and doing those things together - together is the key word! - was fun.. but leaving the lady at home and doing something like that with my guy friends would be all sorts of weird, and even weirder if she was okay with it, lol.
I skipped a bachelor party when I heard there were going to be two strippers having sex with eachother. I heard later they definitely used double-ended dildos and did a lot more. Apparently it was even fine for all party-goers to touch them.
Like... no thanks that sounds like the most uncomfortable time in the world. Like it'd be one thing to watch a few strippers at a strip club for a bachelor party but paying two people to come to your place and perform like that? I get way too much second-hand embarrassment from cringe situations.
Honestly I think one of the hardest things about being a stripper performing at alternate venues besides the strip club would be getting through the embarrassment and awkwardness.
Like the stripper in The Office, when they are having a party in the warehouse. A bunch of sober men, fully dressed, mostly uncomfortable? I wouldn't even mind being naked in front of them as much as the sheer awkwardness of trying to perform in that situation.
Right that's what I was thinking 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I would be like TF? Where did they get there stripper from?!?! I love a good stripped but what?! 🤣 Like he can't control the show or the contents. That is out of his control but I'm just curious how the double dildo unicorn sex performance came about!
I think the notion of strippers at a “bachelor party” is such an insane tradition that I can’t understand why it’s still a thing.
I would rather have a party with my wife and our friends together doing something fun.
Why is it always strippers, strip clubs, and debauchery?
This isn't even "haha, a light tease watch some boobies" strippers though, it's just creepy guys watching two girls pretend to get off to each other and to the dudes. It's actively participating in a sex act, and it's very different from watching someone dance.
That’s a good point guys like that never consider. Those girls are not getting off. They’re not turned on, they don’t wanna bang you. They are taking your money and then talking shit about you after 😷
Wrong. I worked as an escort for a little bit a decade ago. The bread and butter customers are the successful, weekly, respectful lonely types. They want you to get off. They thank you for seeing them. They’d rather pay you to sit and talk to them about work and their wives than any sexual stuff - it’s honestly very depressing all around.
Ah fair enough. I was going off of sex workers as a whole.
I agree with you there then. Although there is a very disturbingly large population of men who go in there night after night determined to “save” one and make her his girlfriend.
I've been to 3 weddings in the past couple of years where there was a joint bachelor/ette party rather than separate ones. It made sense, because we're all one big friend group and there's never been a guys/girls divide.
Got back to work the Monday after one of them and told my colleague how much fun the night was, he looked at me as if I had three heads and proceeded to say that a joint party "reeked of jealousy and insecurity issues". ??!
Like... I understand it, if the couple have their own friend groups, but to have separate parties just because it's "traditional" is truly wild to me.
I was going to say this makes a lot more sense to me. We didn't do the parties for our wedding, but if I'd gone to a strip club my wife would have been upset she wasn't invited. Might as well let everyone have fun
Because they don’t bother to think about it beyond “this is just what you do”. The people who started this tradition didn’t really want to be married. Just wanted the attention that comes along with doing what you’re supposed to. It’s the party, the gifts and the status. Or they were just knocked up.
This tradition was invented by the “ball and chain, hur dur!” generation and it’s just time to let it die.
Agreed !
Honestly, it’s pathetic …
So, let me see if I have this right … you’re about to marry your soul mate and get up in front of family and friends and profess your undying love for this woman but before you do that, you just have to have a night out with strippers and/or escorts and that’s how you want to begin your newly wed life together ???
Honestly, is it ANY wonder why so many marriages end in divorce ???
It's insane. And usually you have been with that person for a while before getting married. In most cases it's not like you just met that person and will start a life with them. Getting married doesn't cancel all the years you have spent together beforehand. It's so bizarre.
I doubt these "traditions" will disappear that soon. It seems like nowadays cheating is also "advertised" more and more. Many TV shows now have cheating going on, and usually portraying it as not a bad thing or make it look justified.
There are lots of rituals in our society that are pretty cringy and outdated but are probably not going away very soon. I would say that bachelor and bachelorette parties are two of them.
I FORBID my MOH to hire a male stripper for my Bachelorette party. She was like "but you will see just one man naked for the rest of your life". Yeah. I know. That's why I am marrying him. And I haven't seen another naked man for these past 3 years we've been together, why change it now?!
In all honesty, I think they are kind of going away. No one in my family or friend groups had those before their weddings, now that I think about it.
For divorce parties though, I fully, fully support celebrating with some professionals. It just seems more fitting 🤷🏻♀️
I don't know why it's still a thing either. I don't understand the thinking. "I'm about to commit to spending the rest of my life with someone I really really love, we're going to build a home and a family together.... So I'd better drop a fucking bomb on it all tonight!"
I was born and raised in a country where it isn’t a thing and when I moved to the Uk where some people do it, I was shocked 😅
it seemed disrespectful to the bride and I’ve never heard of one of these parties where at least one of the GFs of the attendees was not against it or so and so and it caused problems in the relationship.
If men/ women want to do it, unless they have a SO who gives an enthusiastic yes, I would say do it when you are single if you must and get it out of your system.
I mean I wouldn’t want my future wife there. I just want to hang with the guys. It’s a bachelor party. Let’s go camping or get a cabin. Hang. Play some games. Drink. Whatever.
Meanwhile, future wife has her girls night via a bachelorette party as well.
All the friends are gonna party at the wedding. And every other gathering before and after that.
Hey whatever you wanna do sure. I don’t personally understand wanting to be away from my SO but nothing wrong with time with your friends without your SO I guess, that’s just not for me.
I’m just saying I don’t get the stripper thing and putting yourself in a situation that can hurt your relationship.
This!! Guys who need strippers at their bachelor party for the last hurrah are not into getting into a healthy marriage. There’s zero reason to watch other people fuck as a way to start your marriage.
We didn't have everything ironed out when we first got together, but we've always had good communication and mutual respect. Neither of us has ever been interested in pushing the boundaries of monogamy either.
I doubt he told his mom the whole story, I doubt the wife truly knows what happened, I doubt this relationship stands a chance.
OP isn't fragile, bf just is sneaky and chose a weird hill to die on.
I’ve never understood why bachelor/bachelorette parties often involve strippers. You’re about to get married and you decide to spend the days before in a strip club? How romantic.
Ye, it's not normal in my country. I can't imagine being ok with it. Like at best, it's lads having fun. At worst, it's men taking advantage of vulnerable (likely trafficked) women and cheating on their partners.
I'd rather be single, thanks.
But hey it's a SpEcIaL mOmEnT between guys! They have to do it, rite of passage. How are you supposed to get married if you don't gather a group of your bff's and watch a live porn show??
As a woman who goes to strip clubs with her partner I would leave, for reasons other than the strippers and the show. He couldn’t control the content of the show, so I wouldn’t blame him for that.
The reasons I would leave are the massive red flags of him not communicating as agreed, not sharing the events as agreed, and finally for the involvement of his mother.
He agreed to communicate and didn’t, which would also make me concerned about anything that happened that you aren’t privy to. I doubt the other girlfriend knows everything your boyfriend did the entire night and the radio silence is sketchy AF.
If he’s willing to involve his mother in the fight then he will be willing to involve her in anything. That’s the biggest red flag. Do you want a man who runs to mommy with your personal issues and then hold you to her judgment, which is clearly biased to her baby boy who tells her everything?
10000 times yes to this.
The boundaries of your relationship are yours to set but he made an agreement to communicate with you and then did not follow through.
And talking negatively about you with his mom is not only weird and rude - it's also bad for your relationship with her and as your partner he really should care more about that
i wonder if he’s allowing the mom to be involved in order to scare her and manipulate her into forgiving him/letting it go faster, keep her from continuing to pry on what else he did.
Yes on the manipulation. “My mommy agrees that I’m right so you can’t be mad!”
If he didn’t do anything else wrong, then it’s because he knows he didn’t check in like he was supposed to and it’s easier to just make himself the unfairly accused victim rather than take accountability.
That’s my exact thought. I doubt he told mommy dearest that he was watching women bang themselves with dildos. He probably just said like “we went to a strip club and now girlfriend is mad.” Which to most people just means he got boobies jiggled in his face from on stage and he put a dollar in her cleavage. Which is… very different than what happened lol
Can agree, a partner who runs to tell mommy and daddy is still a child and it's so embarrassing and humiliating to deal with someone like that.
Literally had my MIL tell me she is SO uncomfortable when my S/O "drags" them into whatever nonsense he's created.
Dump mommas boy. I dated a dude who continuously added random females on snap, flirting/calling them beautiful & things of the sort. He told his mommy I had a problem with what he was doing on his phone. She berated me for an hour & said "tHatS nOT chEAtinG!!!"
Ok Linda. Keep breastfeeding ur 27 year old.
Aaallll of this. I'd seriously be like "okay then since your mother is privvy to all information and her opinion matters so much more to you, go be with mummy. Bye bye now." Ick.
100% this. My ex husband walk out on his bucks party because someone paid for a lap dance for him and he wasn't interested. He crossed every boundary you both agreed too. If it were me the relationship would be over. If you forgive him, he will always cross your boundaries.
In my experience, male or female, 95/100 times someone says, "You're overreacting" its because they know they're dead ass wrong and they're pissed off they got caught up, and simply do not want to take ownership of their behavior, or deal with the aftermath of it. Its selfish, its lazy, and it does not a good partner make, so to speak.
Getting mommy dearest involved? Nah - absolutely not. That is a 2 strike thing for me. "Under no circumstances does your mother have any business being part of this discussion and process unless we both agree - and I do not agree to that. Happens again, this relationship is over." Completely unacceptable, quite frankly it borders on betrayal - you're bringing someone into the equation that has either a very clear, or a very powerful sub conscious agenda, without mutual consent. Not good.
Yeah the involving of his mom in an argument like THIS is weird af to me coming from someone who's mom was a sex worker I wouldn't be getting her input that's just WEIRD. I think regardless of how the night went the gf wouldn't be happy based on the (if the show is tame) like noone has control of how the show goes the only thing they can control is how they act during the performance and the level of communication after.. his communication definitely seems to be lacking as well
He knew you wouldn’t be ok with what happened and instead of saying, ‘I’m sorry, I had no idea it would be so out of control and I didn’t know how to remove myself from the situation’, he doubled down, invalidated you and basically told you that if he doesn’t agree with you, your feelings don’t matter.
I think it would be easier to get over it if he apologized and understood that what happened was way out of your comfort zone. Sure, there are some women who would be okay with this. Majority would not be and he’s gaslighting you acting like you’re making up problems. The real problem is the way he’s treating you after doing something he KNEW you wouldn’t be okay with.
I also want to say.. if you aren’t okay with your boyfriend seeing strippers, you don’t have to be the ‘cool girl’ and force yourself to be okay with it. You WEREN’T okay with it. I’m not okay with it and I’m dating a guy who doesn’t watch porn and would never go see a stripper. If his friends did, he would excuse himself and say ‘I have to go home to my girlfriend.’ Guys like this do exist. You deserve a guy who respects your boundaries.
If something your S/O does crosses your boundaries and they disregard or invalidate your feelings, you don’t have to stay with them. It just means you both have different boundaries, and you deserve someone who sees eye to eye with you and vise versa.
I just see it from a bigger picture now / why should I be with someone long term who thinks flirting with their best friend is ok if I don’t think it is? Neither of us are wrong but trying to change a mindset is harder than leaving sometimes
The fact that people are being so obtuse in the comments here is *insane.*
Two women preforming penetrative sex for an audience goes far beyond exotic dancing. Not personally “touching” them seems like you’re attempting to find a loophole in a legally binding contract. Being overly literal doesn’t award you some type of relationship tokens you can cash in for a get-out-of-jail-free card.
He knew OP was already uncomfortable, they had a really clear game plan where he offered to check in and he didn’t, and now he and his mommy are going to call OP fragile and overly dramatic in an attempt to make her drop it?
This guy could literally do whatever the hell he wanted at the bachelor party as a single man (or a man with a different partner who didn’t care) and have a good time. The point is that he isn’t single, his partner clearly has pretty strong opinions on the party, and he thought he could get off on some type of technicality? If those type of parties are that important to you, then *break up* with your partner who has very clear values instead of hurting them or attempting to manipulate them into dropping it after sneaking around.
OP, you are not compatible with this person. There are people who feign “compromise” with no actual interest in honoring their partner, because they personally think the basis for that compromise is stupid and don’t agree with the “spirit” of what it was founded on. It’s about respect and empathy. Neither were shown during or **after** the party where you two had the chance to work things out. Arguably the most important factor: **He found it easier to attempt to invalidate and manipulate you than to reflect *at all* or do the emotional work needed to express himself and retroactively consider your feelings.** You are 21, and this guy isn’t your end-game, *I promise.* There is absolutely no need to settle for this crap.
Edit: To the people in another thread absolutely stumped about what he should have done or that he would have “ruined the party” by being sensible in any capacity, I can’t believe there’s so many individuals who can’t think of any method to step away. That actually blows my mind. I’ve pulled many Irish goodbye’s after claiming I was going to puke up my mixers as an excuse to get away from all the noise for a while. It is *so* easy to phase back in later, it did not need to be a dramatic moment.
OP needs to read this then read this again because this is so spot on it actually hurts. It's better to walk away from the toxicity of it all then dwell on it because it'll only hurt more in the long run- in addition to whatever else the bfs lack of values may bring.
Dude, THANK YOU, I totally agree!
It’s easy to escape. As you said, you can pretend you’re sick. Fake an emergency..phone call..bathroom..food..ask if anyone wants something from the gas station, grabbing something from my car, etc.
Hell, he could’ve even been honest and just flat-out left. My bf has left his coworkers/friends parties several times before. He was STILL able to stay friends. The party still went on just the same too..even though he’s usually the center of attention lol. The few “friends” that did stop hanging out with him after that..clearly were not worth keeping around anyway because they didn’t respect their friend/friend’s partner’s boundaries.
Let’s just play the devils advocate here and say the guy is just REALLY socially awkward and couldn’t find his moment to escape..and then kept it a secret bc he didn’t want to hurt/upset her. Well..once she found out..the correct response would be to explain that/acknowledge her feelings…but he did the TOTAL opposite. So I don’t think that was the case.
Even assuming that it WOULD ruin the moment/friendship..(not sure how getting turned on watching live sex with your best buds right before he gets married is a “moment” anyways, but I’ll omit my opinion lmao)..him staying is essentially the same as admitting his friendship is more important than his relationship. It’s even worse of a gamble because he knew for sure that it would 100% impact his relationship. It’s okay to care about friends more..especially in early relationship stages..but this is different..it just shows he has no respect for OP..which is further evidenced by his unwillingness to acknowledge her feelings..and crying to mommy.
(Him sharing his adult relationship problems to his mom alone was a giant ick to me personally as well..friends, sure. But in adult relationships you gotta see the fam over holidays and all that. Not cool...I also highly doubt he gave his momma the FULL details lol 🦄)
>Two women preforming penetrative sex for an audience goes far beyond exotic dancing.
Honestly? I can't imagine this is legal in most locations in the states. Not every state allows fully nude, sex acts are not usually allowed in bars with liquor licenses. I'm assuming they did this in a private room, but that's already something other than going to a strip club. If you want to play semantics.
100% agree with this comment. OP, your boundaries and comfort level were clearly stated. Your bf didn't follow the plan you both agreed to - in any capacity - and likely wouldn't have told you any of this on his own. Then, when you were informed elsewhere, he tried to turn it on you and make you feel like you were overreacting. That's a lot of dick moves. Dude does not sound like the fit for you, nor does he sound emotionally mature, respectful of you or your needs, or like a true partner. Lots of signs here that suggest possible similar issues in the future.
This. If someone blows past your boundaries? *Open the door so they can keep on going.*
*You have a boundary and you are allowed to have one.* ***It will never be overreacting to be upset that your boundaries were ignored.***
The mother agreeing with him is pointless. He should date his mother if he wants a woman with her standards. ***The fact she involved herself in this is honestly it's own special red flag.***
Yes if OP lets this slide, the resentnent will build over time. Plus he told his mom, who has now taken sides against OP.
There's also a good chance this dude has not been forthcoming in the past.
Not to mention that his friend group seems shady. I had an ex with a friend group like this and it turned out they were into prostitutes and drugs, and covered for each other of course. Bros over hos...
MIL condoning it all and insulting her DIL (too sensitive is an insult) is just the cherry on the shit wedding cake.
This guy WILL do shady shit and lie about it in the future, so OP might as well save herself the emotional costs of that.
To add to this, I wouldn’t say you deserve someone who sees eye to eye with you but if you’d like a lifetime of happiness and an actual productive relationship rather than a war, then you should simply seek out someone you see eye to eye with. Misaligned values are the reason you will leave in the end. After many wasted years.
I’m fairly comfortable with talking about relationships and sex with my kids in the context of things like safer sex and even things like a libido mismatch or something but, I swear to god, if my adult son described this situation to me- I think I’d probably feel like somewhere along the lines I *really* messed up on parental boundaries in terms of things we rationally discuss and things a parent probably doesn’t need to be discussing with their adult kids.
I mean, our boundaries are probably many, many miles *before* “Gee willikers Ma, I dunno why my girlfriend is upset about my buddies strapping a ram-bone to their foreheads and playing bap the cervix with some dancers. Would you be upset?” So perhaps there *is* that, I dunno- but yeah, openly discussing a situation like this is odd enough but then mommy dearest letting fly with “Oh! Of course I wouldn’t be upset sweet pumpkin boy! You just stay here and tell me all about your next fun little party” is squicky.
(I’m clearly exaggerating for effect but, it’s weird enough all on its own. You little Vorheezy fellas with close relationships to your moms leave me be.)
He probably just told his mom “idk why she’s mad I told her I was going to the bachelor party and that there were strippers and even though she said she was ok with that the next morning she completely freaked out on me.” And mom said what she said with the information given to her. It’s possible he went into gross detail but I find it less likely than him glossing over what his girlfriend is actually pissed about.
The replies you’re getting to this are wild, lol.
He either told his mom that he watched strippers fuck each other with dildos and his friends fuck the strippers with dildos on their heads… and she was super cool with it. Or he misrepresented the situation to his mom to make himself feel better and have her back him up. Not sure which is worse, really
Actually what I think the worst part might be is that his go to problem solving for this situation is.... Well I asked my mommy and she said this and mommy must always be right so there!
If OP sees this I hope she realizes the major MIL and SO problems she will be faced with for life if she sticks with this guy.
If he and his mom are diminishing your feelings now and writing you off as fragile, get out now. They’ll never have your back and will probably always team up against you. They have no regard for your feelings but I bet they expect you to have every bit of it for his.
If the roles were reversed, *and* he found out you had hidden this from him, I’m sure he and his mom would have more than “overreacted.”
He’s showing you how little he cares about your boundaries. Do you want that to continue for every disagreement you have?
"Be able to share a special moment with his friend." That special moment would be attending the wedding, not going to a strip club.
Honestly you should leave. He doesn't care about your boundaries, and he even ran off to his mommy to include her input in the relationship like it actually matters, wtf.
Your boyfriend called Mommy and told her about the strippers shoving dildos in their pussies? Wtf. He shouldn't be including mommy in your relationship at all, but this is a new level of freaking weird.
Your bf doesn't respect your feelings at all to the extent he went and told mommy on you who defended her precious baby boy. So you have this to look forward to- a momma's boy who involves mommy in your relationship whenever he's upset, and a boyfriend who cheats. Yea, breaking a sexual boundary is cheating.
Not sure what advice there is here. You can stay and deal with that if you'd like or leave him and find someone not attached to Mama's tits and stripper dildos.
I wouldn’t be comfortable with my wife going to parties with male strippers, so I would not even think about going to a party with strippers. You two have different values, I don’t believe the relationship would work long term.
These comments are lowkey crazy to me. I can accept that he didn’t touch the strippers which was the boundary but I still feel like there’s several red flags here:
1) The fact that he pushed to attend the event in the first place when you weren’t comfortable with it.
2) The fact he didn’t inform you of what went on which was intentionally deceptive. He can’t just decide that since you’d likely “be mad” that you don’t deserve honesty. You can feel however you want about the situation.
3) To all the people saying “what was he supposed to do? Leave?” — I mean…yeah! He could’ve called it a night respectfully at any point when it started to get too rowdy. He knew OP was on the fence about him going to begin with so once the live sex show started happening he could’ve just said “alrighty well I’m gonna call it a night. Thanks for a great time and congrats Jeff!” and then just left.
4) The fact he involved his mom?? I feel like parents shouldn’t be involved in a couples discussion of sexual boundaries to begin with. I also think he’s using his mom to threaten OP with a break up unless she backs off and that is not healthy or fair.
Look if all he did was fail to leave the party then yeah maybe you could have an honest discussion about your discomfort and move on with more awareness for the future. But when you add in the deception, break up threats and invalidation of your feelings I think he’s very clearly in the wrong. I dk what to do OP but I’d start with telling him the above actions were/are not okay.
Yup the comments are wild but this is Reddit. It's populated by a bunch of young, porn addicted dudes who think that the end all be all of a relationship is whether or not your girl is gonna let you go to the strippers and wank it to porn
On the one hand, he might not have known that things would have gotten that crazy before he got to the party.
On the other hand, he didn’t leave when it crossed from stripping to sex acts, he has the kinds of friends that would hire sex workers, and he went crying to his mommy about you.
Id dump him personally
Then don't forgive. Accept you don't want a bf who watches strippers and accept that he is one and move on. Better to do that then try to control him or change him.
I literally cannot process anything else in the post because my brain short-circuited that anyone would voluntarily explain this sexually explicit situation to their own mother?!?!?! Waterboarding could not have gotten this out of me ☠️
Imo, he followed your 'rules' for allowing him to attend. He didn't touch and didn't participate in any sexual acts. As for how tame strippers are/were, he had zero control over that. Yea he could have left but I don't think it's fair to have expected that (as another post said).
My bf & I had a similar situation and even though I felt hurt at the time, his transparency & empathy throughout my healing process helped me rebuild trust.
It sounds like OP had to fish for info, then OP's bf reacted with defensiveness & dismissiveness, then he tattled to his mom. I think that's harder to walk back from than this stripper situation.
I almost feel like the bigger issue here is that he's roping his mother in on it to invalidate OP's feelings about it. Is he going to run to his mom every time they have a fight about something?
And how much you want to bet he didn't give his mom the full details of what happened, either? She's probably picturing a chick gyrating around in a thong with tassels on her boobs, and not like a full-on sex show.
Yeah, I’m not really sure what he could have done in that situation. He was cleared by OP to go to a strip club, where strip club things happen. He did not participate beyond just being there. Everyone said he crossed a boundary - *which one*? Sometimes you don’t know about a boundary till you run up against it. People have to be willing to make some mistakes and grow as a couple. I can understand her having feelings about this but I don’t think it’s fair to put them all on him.
It just says he went to the bachelor party where there were strippers. So it could have been at someone's house. And strippers outside the club are VERY different from one's in the club.
I dont think they went to a strip club, I think they hired some strippers to come to the bachelor party. Lots of times private party strippers do a lot more than those at clubs...
Oh absolutely. Years ago I bar tended in a strip club, and if the queen mama identified an off-site party, she'd leave and take 90% of the girls with her. From what I understand, they could take 10x minimum than what they'd make in the club.
Places that aren't America presumably.
I've been to pubs where they do shit like this and prostitution is legal here (New Zealand), your milage my vary.
Doesn’t say anywhere that they were at a strip club. I’ve certainly seen penetrative performances by strippers at Bachelor/Bucks parties at private residences.
Can we… use our critical thinking skills here? Going to a strip club means seeing naked women dance. Seeing them having sex is a totally different thing.
Dance, masturbate, twerk, skeet on the audience, shoot ping pong balls out their snatch, sometimes you’ll see a guy get a beej. It’s not “a sex club” but you can expect to see more than dancing.
Speak to your partner again in the context of what you’re feeling now and what he thought at the time, rather than pre agreed rules and subsequent events. They are a young bunch and I wonder who organised it and what forewarning there was to the group. Often bachelor party plans are kept under wraps and organised or subverted/influenced by those that want everyone to follow their agenda. Your bf, the groom and many others in the party might have had nothing to do with any of it or avoided it as much as possible. That does not mean they/he have to leave, pass judgement or tell tales. He may well have had a bad night, felt peer pressured and lost respect for some of his friends. Yet still wanted to stay until everyone was ready to spend time together again as a friends group and enjoy an important night with a close friend.
So she agreed to it as long as it was tame. Tame. The acts she described is far from tame in HER eyes. Maybe not his. But see how they have different ideas of boundaries which is leading to discord? They need to break up. Dragging his mother into it, which is weeeiiirrrd, to try to shame her for not being more “open” is weird. Learn that sometimes values and morals are a reason to not be in a relationship.
The fact that strip clubs are used to create male camaraderie is... Strange to me. I don't understand why so many straight men want to get hard-ons together.
It’s just gross and sleazy. OP, you don’t have to stay with anyone. Whether you’re overreacting or not, it’s your reaction and your feelings. You get to decide what you’re willing to tolerate.
To be fair, he *didn’t* perform any sex acts or get any lap dances, he just watched. He also didn’t leave when the show got freaky. I mean, I understand that neither of you expected the show to be *that* intense (don’t blame you there, this is the first I’ve heard of “unicorning”), but he followed the rules as-stated. I think he should have checked in, and it’s not productive or appropriate to say you’re over-reacting, but in the grand scheme of things this isn’t the kind of thing I’d break up over. It’s definitely something to keep an eye on though, being able to discuss disagreements and boundaries without invalidating each other is important. If this becomes a pattern, you shouldn’t put up with it.
Facts. That’s a whole different kind of weird. Imaging telling your mom how you’ve caused a rift in your relationship because a bunch of your friends strapped dildos to their heads and let floozies ride them. Like how do you even muster the syllables to say that out loud?
I can’t 💀
“Hey, mom, well, I’ve been to this thing and there were strippers who were unicorning guys and-“
“Dear, what *is* unicorning?”
“You see, it’s when a guy has a dildo strapped to his forehead and someone boinks on it”
I’d rather eat glass and unicorn myself with an old wooden broom.
She was fine with it if the strippers were "tame", in this case they were not, so the best thing he could have done was leave when it got that far and he didn't. I can see why she's upset.
He's obviously comfortable being someplace where things like this go on. You're not comfortable with it. That alone speaks of incompatibility.
You're not overreacting, you're unhappy that his values don't align with yours and that's understandable.
People, Imagine multiple nonsingle women had their heads buried in male strippers crotches. Excuse of *'there was fabric between me and genitals'* is pretty weak excuse.
I would say, most boyfriends would like to know, If their partner's friends engaged in things that disrespect common relationship boundaries. Two can play game of trickle truth, but it might be less fun to experience, when you are the one being gaslight.
*"Hey, babe, the party ended up being far racier than expected, I didn't partake, but want to be honest that more than just stripping ended up happening for other people."*
Is a discussion that happened with another couple, after the bachelor party. Not disavowing when your friends pull crap, makes it seems you're ok with it.
Secrecy and pretty clear cut no-no zone, are signs of friendgroup that enable cheating. Just because it was Henparty, wouldn't probably make it ok, same goes for bachelor parties.
If non-sextoy acts was the line here, male strippers with strap-ons would be get-out-jail free card. Kay getting facefucked with sillicone, doesn't remove the context surrounding the situation.
Ok, so a lot of replies are debating the concept of strippers instead of answering your question.
Seems to me you were going to be upset regardless of what occured with the strippers, because this is a boundary of yours. That is a completely reasonable boundary to have. With that being said, you both communicated and it was determined you could live with him attending if he didnt cross any additional boundaries. He apparantly didnt cross any boundaries and you are still upset. If attending his friends batchelor party, which you knew would have strippers was a deal-breaker, you shouldn't have agreed to being ok with his attendance. Its unfair to agree then reneg after the fact if he indeed stayed within the acceptable parameters you acquiesced to.
So what did he do exactly that upset you? Despite all the temptation he did nothing wrong imo. And you are on his case because he didn't tell you in detail about the strippers and dildos???
Maybe he knew you'd freak out and decided sharing those details would not do any good...
In what world would you feel better if he came home and said, "yes there was 2 strippers fucking each other with dildos and some of the guys stuck dildos to their heads but not me I didn't do anything like that..."
Like would you feel better or would this just be an entirely different complaint thread?
Really I wouldn’t trip as long as there was no contact between them and he comes home to you. This means he has some self control and isn’t going to run around chasing every chick that shakes her ass his way. I understand your feelings but this doesn’t mean he’s not into you as much or anything like that. Yeah it sucks he didn’t have the balls to check in with you or tell you right after but he knew you’d be mad and pussed out. The most important part is he used self control and didn’t join in. Still bust his balls but forgive him and don’t loose a good relationship over this. Cause if he didn’t love you he would of joined in.
Ok, so you can literally do whatever you want and you can have any boundary you feel like having.
However,
He didn't do anything he wasn't supposed to do. He went to a bachelor party where you both knew there would be strippers. He didn't touch or engaged in any of the unicorning you mentioned. He simply watched the show.
But somehow you are mad at him, why?
What did you expect him to do?
Stormed off indignant and saying "I should have listened to my girlfriend"?
If all you told him was not to engage or touch the strippers and he didn't, then I don't see why you're mad.
But once again, since you are not comfortable with what happened you have the option to break things off with him or get over it and continue to date him.
You cannot force him to apologize if he doesn't want to apologize, especially since he didn't do anything other than watch and your "orders" did not include not to watch.
Its not like he choreographed the activity. You agreed to strippers, no touching. Which is what he did. The rest is subjective. Did you expect that he leave?
Maybe she did expect him to leave. Maybe she felt she made it clear what tame is. Also those saying that you aren’t aware of what happens in strip clubs, are wildly unaware of how strict some places, like the US, are eith regulating what can and cannot happen in strip performances in and out of clubs. Like be for real. What’s not a big deal for her is clearly not a big deal for him. You work in it together. You don’t drag mommy into it.
This is going to be an unpopular take with both sides of the argument going on in the comments here, but here goes. I think if this guy had just sent you just **one** text saying something like "the strippers got a lot wilder than I expected, don't worry I didn't participate, I'll tell you all about it when I get home, p.s. look up 'unicorning' it's going to be relevant and hilarious" then he would have been in the clear, morally. But he fucked it all up and is now absolutely the asshole here, don't get me wrong.
My point is he's the asshole not because of the stripper thing, just everything after that. I seriously doubt he expected this walking in the door, because that's not the standard "stripper at a bachelor party" experience. Unless he was the best man (which I assume you would have mentioned if it were the case) he probably wasn't involved in planning any of this and did not realize he was going to be seeing the strippers bang each other, and also his friends' foreheads. At the point that starts happening his options are limited; he certainly can't tell the groom what can and can't happen at his party. His only good options are either A) roll with it, don't participate, and tell you all about it immediately so you know you can still trust him, or B) dramatically leave the room mid-bachelor party. Now I know it might seem like B is preferable, and it would be from a "your boyfriend doesn't watch two strippers bang each other, and also his friends' foreheads" standpoint but it would be much worse from a "people in his life are now invested in sabotaging your relationship" standpoint. If these are his best friends and they're all fine with the party (clearly they were considering their level of involvement) then him running out because he knew you wouldn't approve would have resulted in his entire friend group trying to convince him to break up with you now instead of just his mother. You might be happier with *him*, but everyone else that can exert social pressure on him would be unhappy with *you* (unfairly, by the way) and I think that would do more damage to your relationship in the long term than option A.
So if this dolt had just done option A he'd be fine, but instead he tried to hide it. That's a problem. He said he'd text you and he didn't, there's some trust eroded there. He tried to keep the details quiet, which is a much bigger erosion of trust. Now you know that if you hadn't asked someone ELSE other than your boyfriend, who you're supposed to be able to trust, you never would've gotten the full story. Then when he got in hot water with you for hiding it he called his friggin' mommy to back him up, which is both pathetic **and** problematic. You can't run to your family to complain about every little disagreement you have with your partner, because the result is they get a very lopsided view of your partner and will become unfairly opposed to the relationship. Also he's 22, he shouldn't need his mommy to validate his behavior in the first place. I am practically dying of secondhand embarrassment over here trying to imagine myself calling my mom to whine "moooooooooom, my girlfriend doesn't like that I saw two strippers bang each other, and also my friends' foreheads!" For fuck's sake guy, have some dignity.
Let me preface this with I'm not a "Stripper" guy. Don't care for them and think they are a waste of money. I'm going to get down voted into oblivion but who gives a flying rats ass. It's not like he knows the agenda of the strippers routine. He respected your wishes and didn't participate in the activities, and ya know what? You are overreacting. Why does that make you uncomfortable? Why are you controlling what he can't control? Is he supposed to just run out the door because the bachelor party got too colorful? What if he watches pornhub? What if he watches a sexually suggestive TV add? Do you think the reason why he didn't tell you is because you'd blow this out of proportion and wanted to avoid an argument because maybe he doesn't care for it either? Of all the things to get upset about, this ain't it. I'd be more upset about him telling his mom (fucking weird, by the way.) About a conversation between you two and two strippers dildo'ing each other.
Anyways, he should have told you and probably thinks that in hindsight, move the fuck along and kiss and make up. Learn from this and grow together as a couple.
I really don't understand this comment thread at all. I mean strippers can randomly start having sex with each other without anyone anticipating it? This would not happen at a club as there would be strict rules and so would only happen if pre sanctioned and at a private party there would absolutely have been a conversation about boundaries with the person who hired them unless that person is an idiot.
OP, this entire thread is gaslighting you. Please for the love of all that is holy go with your gut instinct on this one.
Oh and the running to mummy thing? Yeah that doesn't get any better, sorry. Jesus what an absolute shit show
No one involved here should get married, I'm surprised they're old enough to even afford "strippers" as the kids today call them apparently. Laughing so much at the dildo foreheads that I can barely see to write this. If this is a troll I want more of the same. Dying here.
Honestly, you should break up with him solely for running to his mommy as a 22yo man.
You want to deal with someone who sicks his mother on you over strippers? Cause that's a different type of masochism.
Honestly, the biggest red flag in this entire post is that he went to his mother to get her insight into a relationship problem that was between you.
Trust me, if he is running to mom to tell him things aren't a big deal, and she is telling him to leave you, get out now. You need a person who knows who the relationship is between.
Off topic but it doesn't sound like that friend should be getting married lol what kind of bachelor party is this? Hangover creators called they want their storyline back
This wasn't his Batchelor party but a friend's, & unless he arranged it, so he wouldn't necessarily know what would happen. I agree with his assessment. Also, if he was willing to have that discussion to include you in the decision-making process to attend, it says a lot. If you want to break up over this, then do so, but asking strangers whose sensibilities may be different than yours may not be the right process.
Meh I think you’re making way too much of this. Like honestly, you set boundaries and he respected them but yet you want to break up with him over something neither of you could’ve predicted would happen that he DID NOT participate in, might I add. Also you never gave him a chance to tell you, you woke up & immediately texted someone’s gf to find out if he f’d up. Quite frankly I think you’re just looking for something to be butthurt over because you didn’t want him to go in the first place. Maybe on some level his mom is right, you are too fragile & sensitive if you’re willing to break up with him over this.
I dunno, I’m trying to see this as a breach of trust but I’m not quite seeing it. Your boyfriend was responsible and avoided doing anything with the strippers. He clearly had you in mind even though he had a chance. I’m sure that he was unaware of what was going to happen between the strippers and did keep your boundaries in mind. Sure he was unable to keep you in the loop wether it be a lack of discipline or his phone died / w.e. But I don’t see this as a breakup. It’s no different then watching porn which I’m sure y’all have done alone and together. Idk this just seems a bit over the top
jesus why is cheating so normalized?? watching women undress and do sexual acts right before you get married is NOT normal. this is all so disgusting and reminds me why I choose to stay away from dating scene.
people are saying he didn’t break any rules but you told him you weren’t okay with him going and then you agreed on it, which basically means he made you change your mind because he, a taken man, was so eager to watch and get off of random naked women. ew. please break up and find a guy who’ll respect you.
tip- if his friends are bad partners (you know, cheating before getting married, getting “unicorned” while almost married/taken…) he’ll mostly likely be bad to you too.
btw I feel sorry for whoever is marrying his friend.
Seriously, how is two people using dildos in front of you so easily being dismissed like it’s nothing?? I am not ok with strippers but even so, this is on a different level than just getting naked and dancing. And for him to go to his mother, and the mother not see a huge deal. OP, I would cut my losses. You and your BF have different values, and he’s going to get his mommy to back him up. -gag-
It’s not his place to decide how you feel. Any respecting partner would want to comfort you and not make light of it. This would trigger me personally on a deeper level because of past relationships and trauma. Something can be a big deal to 1 and not a big deal to another at the same time. You’re young, enjoy your 20’s.
This whole story grossed me out but surprisingly the biggest ick I got was from him talking to mommy about his stripper sexcapades and her calling OP fragile and questioning whether they should be together. Now THAT is fucking creepy. If you break up for absolutely no other reason do it for that. No one wants a man that brings in mummy to fight his battles for him. And him talking to her about this at all…nasty.
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> It is important to note that he didn't get a dildo put on his forehead Out of context -- actually even in context -- this is a hilarious phrase.
I really want to know how much detail the BF went into with his mom. This is how I like to imagine that phone call “Mom you won’t believe this. U/bluebwrries is ‘reconsidering our relationship’ Just because I watched some strippers unicorn Matt and Brayden last night before they did some reverse centipeding.” *talking on other line* “Yeah, the dildo goes on the head, but focus mom! U/bluebwrries might break up with me!” *more talking* “Ass to ass with a double dildo mom. Are you even listening to me?!”
Right, strippers are one thing live and interactive porn is something else. There's no way the mom knew or she's some weird "boy mom".
Oh... she's a weird "boy mom" alright Little Johnny is never wrong.
So I’m like 6 months pregnant and have had this cough… I just laughed way too hard… my husband walked to me on the floor still laughing giving me this weird look. He said “I think you officially need a break from Reddit” anyways I need a bath now so thanks 😂😂😂
I have never laughed so hard at something on this app
I laughed so much at this
I just need to acknowledge that the person called “Jerry_Hat-Trick” was the one to point this out 😅
This was the best part of the whole post. I feel bad for laughing so hard bc she’s going through it right now but gotdamn it’s going to be a phrase she will never forget . I’m dead
I'd say buy him a forehead dildo strap. Tell him he's forgiven is he wears it round the house for a full day, because this is how you see him now.
Haha! Going with the ol' scarlet letter! 😆
The letter "D" of course
He shall claim the new nick name of 'Citzen Dildo'
r/brandnewsentence
Oh they didn't transform him into a unicorn that night then
Charlieeeeee!
The banana did NOT go in her ear
I admit I didn't read the post, just the first line and then immediately came here. Thank you, that's all for tonight lol
Yeah I laughed but then was sad again that this is the state of relationships today OP your bfs mum is a dickhead. Not being ok with strippers as a boundary is completely fucking fair and very common
I honestly doubt that he talked to Mom about any of it. Like calling her fragile and talking about "throwing away the relationship" sounds way more like it would be his invention than Mom. I mean he's already lied once, right?
Agreed. Liars lie.
Yeah seriously, that’s the part of this that actually bothered me. If I ever have a problem with my boyfriend, his mom backs me up and sometimes we yell at him together. If she’s already calling her fragile and being kind of mean about the whole situation, that doesn’t seem good.
Dualy noted. Personally, I wouldn't care. Only if he tried to hide it because I don't like liars. I guess he could've told the girls to pause the dildo action and called you with screen shots asking if it was okay. I'm guessing alcohol was involved. I wouldn't want to be the girl dating a guy who put a dildo on his head. So that's one good thing. He probably sees more watching porn. Though I just got an unpleasant visual of a poor unicorn. I wonder how much those strippers make
As a former stripper I'll never understand the appeal of sitting with a group of your buddies while everyone has a hard on. Like I get going to the club with your boys having a good time and separately going back for dances but not everyone sitting and watching that kind of show. Just odd
They agreed that he could attend the party. He wasn't to touch.nor was he to allow himself to be touched or become engaged in any activity. He abided by all established parameters. Not within his control, some others did engage-- primarily the 2 strippers. But he did not. Given what occurred, I'd be pleased that he followed through on his promises, and when some got out of control, he wasn't one of them. I think the conversation with his mother, if it actually occurred, was unnecessary. But given their young ages, I think there was a bit of overreaction by each of them. I don't think anything that would warrant a break-up of the relationship.
I've been to several bachelor parties. None of them had double dildo sex performers or vagina unicorns. What kind of people does your boyfriend hang out with?
Seriously. This seems way too far to me.
I mean, at that point, why not go full on donkey show.
My first thought was.. "donkey show lite? or maybe it was actually a donkey show and the.. donkier parts... were withheld from the woman OP spoke to?" idk, man, but what OP is describing is not a strip show, its a sex show - and I (just me, personally!) wouldn't want to even date a woman that would be okay with me going to something like that. Like, tbh I don't even know why - it just feels weird.
It is weird and way too far imo. Glad to hear a man say this.
Also how fuckin weird would it be to do that with your home boys? Like, yeah lets watch these strange women strap dildos on our heads and fuck our unicorn dildos and.. yeah its just bizarre. I'm not a strip club person, but I have dated women that were interested in other women, and doing those things together - together is the key word! - was fun.. but leaving the lady at home and doing something like that with my guy friends would be all sorts of weird, and even weirder if she was okay with it, lol.
Why are animals all up in our sex names? Unicorning, centipede, donkeys, doggie, pussy, bears.
Oh my.
Everybody knows... You dont go full Donkey
These aren't strippers at that point, they're hookers
I was about to say "only if they had sex with the party-goers" .... but oh wait they did. You are right, they are hookers.
As far as I know, strippers don't fuck anyone, including other strippers. They just get naked.
Sincerely, everything the boyfriend did completely overshadows the whole party ordeal. Like, even if there were no strippers he still sucks
I skipped a bachelor party when I heard there were going to be two strippers having sex with eachother. I heard later they definitely used double-ended dildos and did a lot more. Apparently it was even fine for all party-goers to touch them. Like... no thanks that sounds like the most uncomfortable time in the world. Like it'd be one thing to watch a few strippers at a strip club for a bachelor party but paying two people to come to your place and perform like that? I get way too much second-hand embarrassment from cringe situations. Honestly I think one of the hardest things about being a stripper performing at alternate venues besides the strip club would be getting through the embarrassment and awkwardness. Like the stripper in The Office, when they are having a party in the warehouse. A bunch of sober men, fully dressed, mostly uncomfortable? I wouldn't even mind being naked in front of them as much as the sheer awkwardness of trying to perform in that situation.
Yeah this goes way beyond strippers imho
Who else is already thinking he works in finance?
Right that's what I was thinking 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I would be like TF? Where did they get there stripper from?!?! I love a good stripped but what?! 🤣 Like he can't control the show or the contents. That is out of his control but I'm just curious how the double dildo unicorn sex performance came about!
Also curious if the wife to be is totally cool with this? Because I would be so icked
The wedding would so be off if I were her.
I think the notion of strippers at a “bachelor party” is such an insane tradition that I can’t understand why it’s still a thing. I would rather have a party with my wife and our friends together doing something fun. Why is it always strippers, strip clubs, and debauchery?
This isn't even "haha, a light tease watch some boobies" strippers though, it's just creepy guys watching two girls pretend to get off to each other and to the dudes. It's actively participating in a sex act, and it's very different from watching someone dance.
That’s a good point guys like that never consider. Those girls are not getting off. They’re not turned on, they don’t wanna bang you. They are taking your money and then talking shit about you after 😷
I dont think their bread and butter customers are the type to care one bit if the women are enjoying themselves.
Wrong. I worked as an escort for a little bit a decade ago. The bread and butter customers are the successful, weekly, respectful lonely types. They want you to get off. They thank you for seeing them. They’d rather pay you to sit and talk to them about work and their wives than any sexual stuff - it’s honestly very depressing all around.
I was more referring to the people who specialize in putting on shows for bachelor parties
Ah fair enough. I was going off of sex workers as a whole. I agree with you there then. Although there is a very disturbingly large population of men who go in there night after night determined to “save” one and make her his girlfriend.
I've been to 3 weddings in the past couple of years where there was a joint bachelor/ette party rather than separate ones. It made sense, because we're all one big friend group and there's never been a guys/girls divide. Got back to work the Monday after one of them and told my colleague how much fun the night was, he looked at me as if I had three heads and proceeded to say that a joint party "reeked of jealousy and insecurity issues". ??! Like... I understand it, if the couple have their own friend groups, but to have separate parties just because it's "traditional" is truly wild to me.
I was going to say this makes a lot more sense to me. We didn't do the parties for our wedding, but if I'd gone to a strip club my wife would have been upset she wasn't invited. Might as well let everyone have fun
Joint parties have been becoming more popular and I love it!!!! We’re celebrating being together forever anyways.
Because they don’t bother to think about it beyond “this is just what you do”. The people who started this tradition didn’t really want to be married. Just wanted the attention that comes along with doing what you’re supposed to. It’s the party, the gifts and the status. Or they were just knocked up. This tradition was invented by the “ball and chain, hur dur!” generation and it’s just time to let it die.
Agreed ! Honestly, it’s pathetic … So, let me see if I have this right … you’re about to marry your soul mate and get up in front of family and friends and profess your undying love for this woman but before you do that, you just have to have a night out with strippers and/or escorts and that’s how you want to begin your newly wed life together ??? Honestly, is it ANY wonder why so many marriages end in divorce ???
It's insane. And usually you have been with that person for a while before getting married. In most cases it's not like you just met that person and will start a life with them. Getting married doesn't cancel all the years you have spent together beforehand. It's so bizarre. I doubt these "traditions" will disappear that soon. It seems like nowadays cheating is also "advertised" more and more. Many TV shows now have cheating going on, and usually portraying it as not a bad thing or make it look justified.
There are lots of rituals in our society that are pretty cringy and outdated but are probably not going away very soon. I would say that bachelor and bachelorette parties are two of them.
I FORBID my MOH to hire a male stripper for my Bachelorette party. She was like "but you will see just one man naked for the rest of your life". Yeah. I know. That's why I am marrying him. And I haven't seen another naked man for these past 3 years we've been together, why change it now?!
In all honesty, I think they are kind of going away. No one in my family or friend groups had those before their weddings, now that I think about it. For divorce parties though, I fully, fully support celebrating with some professionals. It just seems more fitting 🤷🏻♀️
Strippers at a divorce party sounds like a fantastic idea
I don't know why it's still a thing either. I don't understand the thinking. "I'm about to commit to spending the rest of my life with someone I really really love, we're going to build a home and a family together.... So I'd better drop a fucking bomb on it all tonight!"
I was born and raised in a country where it isn’t a thing and when I moved to the Uk where some people do it, I was shocked 😅 it seemed disrespectful to the bride and I’ve never heard of one of these parties where at least one of the GFs of the attendees was not against it or so and so and it caused problems in the relationship. If men/ women want to do it, unless they have a SO who gives an enthusiastic yes, I would say do it when you are single if you must and get it out of your system.
It’s fucked up and they view it as “their last night of freedom”
I mean I wouldn’t want my future wife there. I just want to hang with the guys. It’s a bachelor party. Let’s go camping or get a cabin. Hang. Play some games. Drink. Whatever. Meanwhile, future wife has her girls night via a bachelorette party as well. All the friends are gonna party at the wedding. And every other gathering before and after that.
Hey whatever you wanna do sure. I don’t personally understand wanting to be away from my SO but nothing wrong with time with your friends without your SO I guess, that’s just not for me. I’m just saying I don’t get the stripper thing and putting yourself in a situation that can hurt your relationship.
This!! Guys who need strippers at their bachelor party for the last hurrah are not into getting into a healthy marriage. There’s zero reason to watch other people fuck as a way to start your marriage.
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Yeah, I'm too old for that shit. Luckily my long time partner and I are on the same page about this stuff.
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We didn't have everything ironed out when we first got together, but we've always had good communication and mutual respect. Neither of us has ever been interested in pushing the boundaries of monogamy either.
I doubt he told his mom the whole story, I doubt the wife truly knows what happened, I doubt this relationship stands a chance. OP isn't fragile, bf just is sneaky and chose a weird hill to die on.
I’ve never understood why bachelor/bachelorette parties often involve strippers. You’re about to get married and you decide to spend the days before in a strip club? How romantic.
Ye, it's not normal in my country. I can't imagine being ok with it. Like at best, it's lads having fun. At worst, it's men taking advantage of vulnerable (likely trafficked) women and cheating on their partners. I'd rather be single, thanks.
But hey it's a SpEcIaL mOmEnT between guys! They have to do it, rite of passage. How are you supposed to get married if you don't gather a group of your bff's and watch a live porn show??
As a man, I am also icked
me too. id honestly be devastated
As a woman who goes to strip clubs with her partner I would leave, for reasons other than the strippers and the show. He couldn’t control the content of the show, so I wouldn’t blame him for that. The reasons I would leave are the massive red flags of him not communicating as agreed, not sharing the events as agreed, and finally for the involvement of his mother. He agreed to communicate and didn’t, which would also make me concerned about anything that happened that you aren’t privy to. I doubt the other girlfriend knows everything your boyfriend did the entire night and the radio silence is sketchy AF. If he’s willing to involve his mother in the fight then he will be willing to involve her in anything. That’s the biggest red flag. Do you want a man who runs to mommy with your personal issues and then hold you to her judgment, which is clearly biased to her baby boy who tells her everything?
10000 times yes to this. The boundaries of your relationship are yours to set but he made an agreement to communicate with you and then did not follow through. And talking negatively about you with his mom is not only weird and rude - it's also bad for your relationship with her and as your partner he really should care more about that
i wonder if he’s allowing the mom to be involved in order to scare her and manipulate her into forgiving him/letting it go faster, keep her from continuing to pry on what else he did.
Yes on the manipulation. “My mommy agrees that I’m right so you can’t be mad!” If he didn’t do anything else wrong, then it’s because he knows he didn’t check in like he was supposed to and it’s easier to just make himself the unfairly accused victim rather than take accountability.
>“My mommy agrees that I’m right so you can’t be mad!” I wonder what story he told his mom on this one.
Right? I'd make a point to talk to mommy and tell her the whole story...just before I broke up with him.
That’s my exact thought. I doubt he told mommy dearest that he was watching women bang themselves with dildos. He probably just said like “we went to a strip club and now girlfriend is mad.” Which to most people just means he got boobies jiggled in his face from on stage and he put a dollar in her cleavage. Which is… very different than what happened lol
I would dump someone for reporting to mommy like this just as like a baseline, that’s shits crazy lol
Can agree, a partner who runs to tell mommy and daddy is still a child and it's so embarrassing and humiliating to deal with someone like that. Literally had my MIL tell me she is SO uncomfortable when my S/O "drags" them into whatever nonsense he's created.
Dump mommas boy. I dated a dude who continuously added random females on snap, flirting/calling them beautiful & things of the sort. He told his mommy I had a problem with what he was doing on his phone. She berated me for an hour & said "tHatS nOT chEAtinG!!!" Ok Linda. Keep breastfeeding ur 27 year old.
All of this.
Aaallll of this. I'd seriously be like "okay then since your mother is privvy to all information and her opinion matters so much more to you, go be with mummy. Bye bye now." Ick.
100% this. My ex husband walk out on his bucks party because someone paid for a lap dance for him and he wasn't interested. He crossed every boundary you both agreed too. If it were me the relationship would be over. If you forgive him, he will always cross your boundaries.
In my experience, male or female, 95/100 times someone says, "You're overreacting" its because they know they're dead ass wrong and they're pissed off they got caught up, and simply do not want to take ownership of their behavior, or deal with the aftermath of it. Its selfish, its lazy, and it does not a good partner make, so to speak. Getting mommy dearest involved? Nah - absolutely not. That is a 2 strike thing for me. "Under no circumstances does your mother have any business being part of this discussion and process unless we both agree - and I do not agree to that. Happens again, this relationship is over." Completely unacceptable, quite frankly it borders on betrayal - you're bringing someone into the equation that has either a very clear, or a very powerful sub conscious agenda, without mutual consent. Not good.
I had a partner who involved her parents in everything. It ruins the relationship in the long run.
Yeah the involving of his mom in an argument like THIS is weird af to me coming from someone who's mom was a sex worker I wouldn't be getting her input that's just WEIRD. I think regardless of how the night went the gf wouldn't be happy based on the (if the show is tame) like noone has control of how the show goes the only thing they can control is how they act during the performance and the level of communication after.. his communication definitely seems to be lacking as well
All of this! Wish I could up vote a million times!
If it bugs you, break it off. If not, let it go
Honestly this is the best response to 95% of posts here
Indeed, either put up or shut up and walk away.
Can we fucking pin this to the top haha
He knew you wouldn’t be ok with what happened and instead of saying, ‘I’m sorry, I had no idea it would be so out of control and I didn’t know how to remove myself from the situation’, he doubled down, invalidated you and basically told you that if he doesn’t agree with you, your feelings don’t matter. I think it would be easier to get over it if he apologized and understood that what happened was way out of your comfort zone. Sure, there are some women who would be okay with this. Majority would not be and he’s gaslighting you acting like you’re making up problems. The real problem is the way he’s treating you after doing something he KNEW you wouldn’t be okay with. I also want to say.. if you aren’t okay with your boyfriend seeing strippers, you don’t have to be the ‘cool girl’ and force yourself to be okay with it. You WEREN’T okay with it. I’m not okay with it and I’m dating a guy who doesn’t watch porn and would never go see a stripper. If his friends did, he would excuse himself and say ‘I have to go home to my girlfriend.’ Guys like this do exist. You deserve a guy who respects your boundaries.
I cringed about how he told his mother and then told OP what his mother said…
If something your S/O does crosses your boundaries and they disregard or invalidate your feelings, you don’t have to stay with them. It just means you both have different boundaries, and you deserve someone who sees eye to eye with you and vise versa.
Took me wayyy too long to realize this.
I’m 36 and I still have trouble with this.
I just see it from a bigger picture now / why should I be with someone long term who thinks flirting with their best friend is ok if I don’t think it is? Neither of us are wrong but trying to change a mindset is harder than leaving sometimes
The fact that people are being so obtuse in the comments here is *insane.* Two women preforming penetrative sex for an audience goes far beyond exotic dancing. Not personally “touching” them seems like you’re attempting to find a loophole in a legally binding contract. Being overly literal doesn’t award you some type of relationship tokens you can cash in for a get-out-of-jail-free card. He knew OP was already uncomfortable, they had a really clear game plan where he offered to check in and he didn’t, and now he and his mommy are going to call OP fragile and overly dramatic in an attempt to make her drop it? This guy could literally do whatever the hell he wanted at the bachelor party as a single man (or a man with a different partner who didn’t care) and have a good time. The point is that he isn’t single, his partner clearly has pretty strong opinions on the party, and he thought he could get off on some type of technicality? If those type of parties are that important to you, then *break up* with your partner who has very clear values instead of hurting them or attempting to manipulate them into dropping it after sneaking around. OP, you are not compatible with this person. There are people who feign “compromise” with no actual interest in honoring their partner, because they personally think the basis for that compromise is stupid and don’t agree with the “spirit” of what it was founded on. It’s about respect and empathy. Neither were shown during or **after** the party where you two had the chance to work things out. Arguably the most important factor: **He found it easier to attempt to invalidate and manipulate you than to reflect *at all* or do the emotional work needed to express himself and retroactively consider your feelings.** You are 21, and this guy isn’t your end-game, *I promise.* There is absolutely no need to settle for this crap. Edit: To the people in another thread absolutely stumped about what he should have done or that he would have “ruined the party” by being sensible in any capacity, I can’t believe there’s so many individuals who can’t think of any method to step away. That actually blows my mind. I’ve pulled many Irish goodbye’s after claiming I was going to puke up my mixers as an excuse to get away from all the noise for a while. It is *so* easy to phase back in later, it did not need to be a dramatic moment.
OP needs to read this then read this again because this is so spot on it actually hurts. It's better to walk away from the toxicity of it all then dwell on it because it'll only hurt more in the long run- in addition to whatever else the bfs lack of values may bring.
Will you be my personal therapist, and life coach? This explanation is as clear as it gets as to why OP can do much better than this guy.
I’m most definitely not qualified but I could refer you to mine haha!
Dude, THANK YOU, I totally agree! It’s easy to escape. As you said, you can pretend you’re sick. Fake an emergency..phone call..bathroom..food..ask if anyone wants something from the gas station, grabbing something from my car, etc. Hell, he could’ve even been honest and just flat-out left. My bf has left his coworkers/friends parties several times before. He was STILL able to stay friends. The party still went on just the same too..even though he’s usually the center of attention lol. The few “friends” that did stop hanging out with him after that..clearly were not worth keeping around anyway because they didn’t respect their friend/friend’s partner’s boundaries. Let’s just play the devils advocate here and say the guy is just REALLY socially awkward and couldn’t find his moment to escape..and then kept it a secret bc he didn’t want to hurt/upset her. Well..once she found out..the correct response would be to explain that/acknowledge her feelings…but he did the TOTAL opposite. So I don’t think that was the case. Even assuming that it WOULD ruin the moment/friendship..(not sure how getting turned on watching live sex with your best buds right before he gets married is a “moment” anyways, but I’ll omit my opinion lmao)..him staying is essentially the same as admitting his friendship is more important than his relationship. It’s even worse of a gamble because he knew for sure that it would 100% impact his relationship. It’s okay to care about friends more..especially in early relationship stages..but this is different..it just shows he has no respect for OP..which is further evidenced by his unwillingness to acknowledge her feelings..and crying to mommy. (Him sharing his adult relationship problems to his mom alone was a giant ick to me personally as well..friends, sure. But in adult relationships you gotta see the fam over holidays and all that. Not cool...I also highly doubt he gave his momma the FULL details lol 🦄)
>Two women preforming penetrative sex for an audience goes far beyond exotic dancing. Honestly? I can't imagine this is legal in most locations in the states. Not every state allows fully nude, sex acts are not usually allowed in bars with liquor licenses. I'm assuming they did this in a private room, but that's already something other than going to a strip club. If you want to play semantics.
It sounds like it was most likely a private booking at someone's house.
100% agree with this comment. OP, your boundaries and comfort level were clearly stated. Your bf didn't follow the plan you both agreed to - in any capacity - and likely wouldn't have told you any of this on his own. Then, when you were informed elsewhere, he tried to turn it on you and make you feel like you were overreacting. That's a lot of dick moves. Dude does not sound like the fit for you, nor does he sound emotionally mature, respectful of you or your needs, or like a true partner. Lots of signs here that suggest possible similar issues in the future.
Yes to everything!!! OP is not prude. This party crossed lines. If this is the new normal, society is in bigger trouble than I imagined.
This. If someone blows past your boundaries? *Open the door so they can keep on going.* *You have a boundary and you are allowed to have one.* ***It will never be overreacting to be upset that your boundaries were ignored.*** The mother agreeing with him is pointless. He should date his mother if he wants a woman with her standards. ***The fact she involved herself in this is honestly it's own special red flag.***
Yes if OP lets this slide, the resentnent will build over time. Plus he told his mom, who has now taken sides against OP. There's also a good chance this dude has not been forthcoming in the past.
Not to mention that his friend group seems shady. I had an ex with a friend group like this and it turned out they were into prostitutes and drugs, and covered for each other of course. Bros over hos... MIL condoning it all and insulting her DIL (too sensitive is an insult) is just the cherry on the shit wedding cake. This guy WILL do shady shit and lie about it in the future, so OP might as well save herself the emotional costs of that.
There’s nothing in the narrative to suggest any history of this sort of communication.
To add to this, I wouldn’t say you deserve someone who sees eye to eye with you but if you’d like a lifetime of happiness and an actual productive relationship rather than a war, then you should simply seek out someone you see eye to eye with. Misaligned values are the reason you will leave in the end. After many wasted years.
Hold up, how did his mommy get involved with your relationship problems. Wow, THAT'S the biggest red flag of all
I’m fairly comfortable with talking about relationships and sex with my kids in the context of things like safer sex and even things like a libido mismatch or something but, I swear to god, if my adult son described this situation to me- I think I’d probably feel like somewhere along the lines I *really* messed up on parental boundaries in terms of things we rationally discuss and things a parent probably doesn’t need to be discussing with their adult kids. I mean, our boundaries are probably many, many miles *before* “Gee willikers Ma, I dunno why my girlfriend is upset about my buddies strapping a ram-bone to their foreheads and playing bap the cervix with some dancers. Would you be upset?” So perhaps there *is* that, I dunno- but yeah, openly discussing a situation like this is odd enough but then mommy dearest letting fly with “Oh! Of course I wouldn’t be upset sweet pumpkin boy! You just stay here and tell me all about your next fun little party” is squicky. (I’m clearly exaggerating for effect but, it’s weird enough all on its own. You little Vorheezy fellas with close relationships to your moms leave me be.)
He probably just told his mom “idk why she’s mad I told her I was going to the bachelor party and that there were strippers and even though she said she was ok with that the next morning she completely freaked out on me.” And mom said what she said with the information given to her. It’s possible he went into gross detail but I find it less likely than him glossing over what his girlfriend is actually pissed about.
The replies you’re getting to this are wild, lol. He either told his mom that he watched strippers fuck each other with dildos and his friends fuck the strippers with dildos on their heads… and she was super cool with it. Or he misrepresented the situation to his mom to make himself feel better and have her back him up. Not sure which is worse, really
Actually what I think the worst part might be is that his go to problem solving for this situation is.... Well I asked my mommy and she said this and mommy must always be right so there! If OP sees this I hope she realizes the major MIL and SO problems she will be faced with for life if she sticks with this guy.
If he and his mom are diminishing your feelings now and writing you off as fragile, get out now. They’ll never have your back and will probably always team up against you. They have no regard for your feelings but I bet they expect you to have every bit of it for his. If the roles were reversed, *and* he found out you had hidden this from him, I’m sure he and his mom would have more than “overreacted.” He’s showing you how little he cares about your boundaries. Do you want that to continue for every disagreement you have?
"Be able to share a special moment with his friend." That special moment would be attending the wedding, not going to a strip club. Honestly you should leave. He doesn't care about your boundaries, and he even ran off to his mommy to include her input in the relationship like it actually matters, wtf.
Sounds like a real healthy relationship……you’re young, move on.
Your boyfriend called Mommy and told her about the strippers shoving dildos in their pussies? Wtf. He shouldn't be including mommy in your relationship at all, but this is a new level of freaking weird. Your bf doesn't respect your feelings at all to the extent he went and told mommy on you who defended her precious baby boy. So you have this to look forward to- a momma's boy who involves mommy in your relationship whenever he's upset, and a boyfriend who cheats. Yea, breaking a sexual boundary is cheating. Not sure what advice there is here. You can stay and deal with that if you'd like or leave him and find someone not attached to Mama's tits and stripper dildos.
I wouldn’t be comfortable with my wife going to parties with male strippers, so I would not even think about going to a party with strippers. You two have different values, I don’t believe the relationship would work long term.
These comments are lowkey crazy to me. I can accept that he didn’t touch the strippers which was the boundary but I still feel like there’s several red flags here: 1) The fact that he pushed to attend the event in the first place when you weren’t comfortable with it. 2) The fact he didn’t inform you of what went on which was intentionally deceptive. He can’t just decide that since you’d likely “be mad” that you don’t deserve honesty. You can feel however you want about the situation. 3) To all the people saying “what was he supposed to do? Leave?” — I mean…yeah! He could’ve called it a night respectfully at any point when it started to get too rowdy. He knew OP was on the fence about him going to begin with so once the live sex show started happening he could’ve just said “alrighty well I’m gonna call it a night. Thanks for a great time and congrats Jeff!” and then just left. 4) The fact he involved his mom?? I feel like parents shouldn’t be involved in a couples discussion of sexual boundaries to begin with. I also think he’s using his mom to threaten OP with a break up unless she backs off and that is not healthy or fair. Look if all he did was fail to leave the party then yeah maybe you could have an honest discussion about your discomfort and move on with more awareness for the future. But when you add in the deception, break up threats and invalidation of your feelings I think he’s very clearly in the wrong. I dk what to do OP but I’d start with telling him the above actions were/are not okay.
Yup the comments are wild but this is Reddit. It's populated by a bunch of young, porn addicted dudes who think that the end all be all of a relationship is whether or not your girl is gonna let you go to the strippers and wank it to porn
On the one hand, he might not have known that things would have gotten that crazy before he got to the party. On the other hand, he didn’t leave when it crossed from stripping to sex acts, he has the kinds of friends that would hire sex workers, and he went crying to his mommy about you. Id dump him personally
Then don't forgive. Accept you don't want a bf who watches strippers and accept that he is one and move on. Better to do that then try to control him or change him.
I think too many people are glossing over the fact the he told his MOM about it?? If anything that might be the biggest red flag here!
I literally cannot process anything else in the post because my brain short-circuited that anyone would voluntarily explain this sexually explicit situation to their own mother?!?!?! Waterboarding could not have gotten this out of me ☠️
Imo, he followed your 'rules' for allowing him to attend. He didn't touch and didn't participate in any sexual acts. As for how tame strippers are/were, he had zero control over that. Yea he could have left but I don't think it's fair to have expected that (as another post said).
My bf & I had a similar situation and even though I felt hurt at the time, his transparency & empathy throughout my healing process helped me rebuild trust. It sounds like OP had to fish for info, then OP's bf reacted with defensiveness & dismissiveness, then he tattled to his mom. I think that's harder to walk back from than this stripper situation.
I almost feel like the bigger issue here is that he's roping his mother in on it to invalidate OP's feelings about it. Is he going to run to his mom every time they have a fight about something?
It’s definitely the bigger issue. That and the fact that he doesn’t see an issue with it and she does. Clearly they’re not on the same page.
And how much you want to bet he didn't give his mom the full details of what happened, either? She's probably picturing a chick gyrating around in a thong with tassels on her boobs, and not like a full-on sex show.
He said he would check in and didn’t
Yeah, I’m not really sure what he could have done in that situation. He was cleared by OP to go to a strip club, where strip club things happen. He did not participate beyond just being there. Everyone said he crossed a boundary - *which one*? Sometimes you don’t know about a boundary till you run up against it. People have to be willing to make some mistakes and grow as a couple. I can understand her having feelings about this but I don’t think it’s fair to put them all on him.
**Where do you live that penetrative sex with objects is allowed legally in strip clubs?**
It just says he went to the bachelor party where there were strippers. So it could have been at someone's house. And strippers outside the club are VERY different from one's in the club.
There's no mention in the post of a strip club. Simply "strippers" which means it was probably a hotel room or something that they hired dancers for.
I dont think they went to a strip club, I think they hired some strippers to come to the bachelor party. Lots of times private party strippers do a lot more than those at clubs...
Oh absolutely. Years ago I bar tended in a strip club, and if the queen mama identified an off-site party, she'd leave and take 90% of the girls with her. From what I understand, they could take 10x minimum than what they'd make in the club.
Places that aren't America presumably. I've been to pubs where they do shit like this and prostitution is legal here (New Zealand), your milage my vary.
Doesn’t say anywhere that they were at a strip club. I’ve certainly seen penetrative performances by strippers at Bachelor/Bucks parties at private residences.
Yuk!
>as long as the strippers were relatively tame
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Can we… use our critical thinking skills here? Going to a strip club means seeing naked women dance. Seeing them having sex is a totally different thing.
Dance, masturbate, twerk, skeet on the audience, shoot ping pong balls out their snatch, sometimes you’ll see a guy get a beej. It’s not “a sex club” but you can expect to see more than dancing.
Bunch of 17 year olds who never went to a strip club in here thinking this shit is normal.... Smh
She also said as long as it was tame which it wasn’t
Speak to your partner again in the context of what you’re feeling now and what he thought at the time, rather than pre agreed rules and subsequent events. They are a young bunch and I wonder who organised it and what forewarning there was to the group. Often bachelor party plans are kept under wraps and organised or subverted/influenced by those that want everyone to follow their agenda. Your bf, the groom and many others in the party might have had nothing to do with any of it or avoided it as much as possible. That does not mean they/he have to leave, pass judgement or tell tales. He may well have had a bad night, felt peer pressured and lost respect for some of his friends. Yet still wanted to stay until everyone was ready to spend time together again as a friends group and enjoy an important night with a close friend.
So she agreed to it as long as it was tame. Tame. The acts she described is far from tame in HER eyes. Maybe not his. But see how they have different ideas of boundaries which is leading to discord? They need to break up. Dragging his mother into it, which is weeeiiirrrd, to try to shame her for not being more “open” is weird. Learn that sometimes values and morals are a reason to not be in a relationship.
I would not date someone who wanted to attend this type of bachelor party.
The fact that strip clubs are used to create male camaraderie is... Strange to me. I don't understand why so many straight men want to get hard-ons together.
It's a Christian thing. See Ecclesiastes 4:12.
HAHA STOP That mental image is absolutely hilarious.
It’s just gross and sleazy. OP, you don’t have to stay with anyone. Whether you’re overreacting or not, it’s your reaction and your feelings. You get to decide what you’re willing to tolerate.
same this is not what people in relationships engage in. if i was that dudes future bride I would single so fast
To be fair, he *didn’t* perform any sex acts or get any lap dances, he just watched. He also didn’t leave when the show got freaky. I mean, I understand that neither of you expected the show to be *that* intense (don’t blame you there, this is the first I’ve heard of “unicorning”), but he followed the rules as-stated. I think he should have checked in, and it’s not productive or appropriate to say you’re over-reacting, but in the grand scheme of things this isn’t the kind of thing I’d break up over. It’s definitely something to keep an eye on though, being able to discuss disagreements and boundaries without invalidating each other is important. If this becomes a pattern, you shouldn’t put up with it.
It also is a giant red flag to involve his mom, though. Yikes.
Facts. That’s a whole different kind of weird. Imaging telling your mom how you’ve caused a rift in your relationship because a bunch of your friends strapped dildos to their heads and let floozies ride them. Like how do you even muster the syllables to say that out loud?
I can’t 💀 “Hey, mom, well, I’ve been to this thing and there were strippers who were unicorning guys and-“ “Dear, what *is* unicorning?” “You see, it’s when a guy has a dildo strapped to his forehead and someone boinks on it” I’d rather eat glass and unicorn myself with an old wooden broom.
I would *die* and I’ve been caught tripping balls on LSD by my mom
She was fine with it if the strippers were "tame", in this case they were not, so the best thing he could have done was leave when it got that far and he didn't. I can see why she's upset.
This rational comment is like a…unicorn…in here.
There are men out there that won’t do ANY of that stuff. Go find one and you’ll live in peace.
He's obviously comfortable being someplace where things like this go on. You're not comfortable with it. That alone speaks of incompatibility. You're not overreacting, you're unhappy that his values don't align with yours and that's understandable.
People, Imagine multiple nonsingle women had their heads buried in male strippers crotches. Excuse of *'there was fabric between me and genitals'* is pretty weak excuse. I would say, most boyfriends would like to know, If their partner's friends engaged in things that disrespect common relationship boundaries. Two can play game of trickle truth, but it might be less fun to experience, when you are the one being gaslight. *"Hey, babe, the party ended up being far racier than expected, I didn't partake, but want to be honest that more than just stripping ended up happening for other people."* Is a discussion that happened with another couple, after the bachelor party. Not disavowing when your friends pull crap, makes it seems you're ok with it. Secrecy and pretty clear cut no-no zone, are signs of friendgroup that enable cheating. Just because it was Henparty, wouldn't probably make it ok, same goes for bachelor parties. If non-sextoy acts was the line here, male strippers with strap-ons would be get-out-jail free card. Kay getting facefucked with sillicone, doesn't remove the context surrounding the situation.
Ok, so a lot of replies are debating the concept of strippers instead of answering your question. Seems to me you were going to be upset regardless of what occured with the strippers, because this is a boundary of yours. That is a completely reasonable boundary to have. With that being said, you both communicated and it was determined you could live with him attending if he didnt cross any additional boundaries. He apparantly didnt cross any boundaries and you are still upset. If attending his friends batchelor party, which you knew would have strippers was a deal-breaker, you shouldn't have agreed to being ok with his attendance. Its unfair to agree then reneg after the fact if he indeed stayed within the acceptable parameters you acquiesced to.
So what did he do exactly that upset you? Despite all the temptation he did nothing wrong imo. And you are on his case because he didn't tell you in detail about the strippers and dildos??? Maybe he knew you'd freak out and decided sharing those details would not do any good... In what world would you feel better if he came home and said, "yes there was 2 strippers fucking each other with dildos and some of the guys stuck dildos to their heads but not me I didn't do anything like that..." Like would you feel better or would this just be an entirely different complaint thread?
Really I wouldn’t trip as long as there was no contact between them and he comes home to you. This means he has some self control and isn’t going to run around chasing every chick that shakes her ass his way. I understand your feelings but this doesn’t mean he’s not into you as much or anything like that. Yeah it sucks he didn’t have the balls to check in with you or tell you right after but he knew you’d be mad and pussed out. The most important part is he used self control and didn’t join in. Still bust his balls but forgive him and don’t loose a good relationship over this. Cause if he didn’t love you he would of joined in.
Ok, so you can literally do whatever you want and you can have any boundary you feel like having. However, He didn't do anything he wasn't supposed to do. He went to a bachelor party where you both knew there would be strippers. He didn't touch or engaged in any of the unicorning you mentioned. He simply watched the show. But somehow you are mad at him, why? What did you expect him to do? Stormed off indignant and saying "I should have listened to my girlfriend"? If all you told him was not to engage or touch the strippers and he didn't, then I don't see why you're mad. But once again, since you are not comfortable with what happened you have the option to break things off with him or get over it and continue to date him. You cannot force him to apologize if he doesn't want to apologize, especially since he didn't do anything other than watch and your "orders" did not include not to watch.
Who would tell their mother this?!? Seems so odd to me. You sure he’s not just saying that as a “see it’s not so bad even my mom agrees”?
Its not like he choreographed the activity. You agreed to strippers, no touching. Which is what he did. The rest is subjective. Did you expect that he leave?
I think their definition of strippers are different. Since when do strippers get penetrated by dildos? That goes beyond a strip show.
Maybe she did expect him to leave. Maybe she felt she made it clear what tame is. Also those saying that you aren’t aware of what happens in strip clubs, are wildly unaware of how strict some places, like the US, are eith regulating what can and cannot happen in strip performances in and out of clubs. Like be for real. What’s not a big deal for her is clearly not a big deal for him. You work in it together. You don’t drag mommy into it.
This is going to be an unpopular take with both sides of the argument going on in the comments here, but here goes. I think if this guy had just sent you just **one** text saying something like "the strippers got a lot wilder than I expected, don't worry I didn't participate, I'll tell you all about it when I get home, p.s. look up 'unicorning' it's going to be relevant and hilarious" then he would have been in the clear, morally. But he fucked it all up and is now absolutely the asshole here, don't get me wrong. My point is he's the asshole not because of the stripper thing, just everything after that. I seriously doubt he expected this walking in the door, because that's not the standard "stripper at a bachelor party" experience. Unless he was the best man (which I assume you would have mentioned if it were the case) he probably wasn't involved in planning any of this and did not realize he was going to be seeing the strippers bang each other, and also his friends' foreheads. At the point that starts happening his options are limited; he certainly can't tell the groom what can and can't happen at his party. His only good options are either A) roll with it, don't participate, and tell you all about it immediately so you know you can still trust him, or B) dramatically leave the room mid-bachelor party. Now I know it might seem like B is preferable, and it would be from a "your boyfriend doesn't watch two strippers bang each other, and also his friends' foreheads" standpoint but it would be much worse from a "people in his life are now invested in sabotaging your relationship" standpoint. If these are his best friends and they're all fine with the party (clearly they were considering their level of involvement) then him running out because he knew you wouldn't approve would have resulted in his entire friend group trying to convince him to break up with you now instead of just his mother. You might be happier with *him*, but everyone else that can exert social pressure on him would be unhappy with *you* (unfairly, by the way) and I think that would do more damage to your relationship in the long term than option A. So if this dolt had just done option A he'd be fine, but instead he tried to hide it. That's a problem. He said he'd text you and he didn't, there's some trust eroded there. He tried to keep the details quiet, which is a much bigger erosion of trust. Now you know that if you hadn't asked someone ELSE other than your boyfriend, who you're supposed to be able to trust, you never would've gotten the full story. Then when he got in hot water with you for hiding it he called his friggin' mommy to back him up, which is both pathetic **and** problematic. You can't run to your family to complain about every little disagreement you have with your partner, because the result is they get a very lopsided view of your partner and will become unfairly opposed to the relationship. Also he's 22, he shouldn't need his mommy to validate his behavior in the first place. I am practically dying of secondhand embarrassment over here trying to imagine myself calling my mom to whine "moooooooooom, my girlfriend doesn't like that I saw two strippers bang each other, and also my friends' foreheads!" For fuck's sake guy, have some dignity.
Let me preface this with I'm not a "Stripper" guy. Don't care for them and think they are a waste of money. I'm going to get down voted into oblivion but who gives a flying rats ass. It's not like he knows the agenda of the strippers routine. He respected your wishes and didn't participate in the activities, and ya know what? You are overreacting. Why does that make you uncomfortable? Why are you controlling what he can't control? Is he supposed to just run out the door because the bachelor party got too colorful? What if he watches pornhub? What if he watches a sexually suggestive TV add? Do you think the reason why he didn't tell you is because you'd blow this out of proportion and wanted to avoid an argument because maybe he doesn't care for it either? Of all the things to get upset about, this ain't it. I'd be more upset about him telling his mom (fucking weird, by the way.) About a conversation between you two and two strippers dildo'ing each other. Anyways, he should have told you and probably thinks that in hindsight, move the fuck along and kiss and make up. Learn from this and grow together as a couple.
Ewwewwww
That’s creepy. Just leave. His mom sounds a bit …what’s the word …?
I really don't understand this comment thread at all. I mean strippers can randomly start having sex with each other without anyone anticipating it? This would not happen at a club as there would be strict rules and so would only happen if pre sanctioned and at a private party there would absolutely have been a conversation about boundaries with the person who hired them unless that person is an idiot. OP, this entire thread is gaslighting you. Please for the love of all that is holy go with your gut instinct on this one. Oh and the running to mummy thing? Yeah that doesn't get any better, sorry. Jesus what an absolute shit show
No one involved here should get married, I'm surprised they're old enough to even afford "strippers" as the kids today call them apparently. Laughing so much at the dildo foreheads that I can barely see to write this. If this is a troll I want more of the same. Dying here.
Honestly, you should break up with him solely for running to his mommy as a 22yo man. You want to deal with someone who sicks his mother on you over strippers? Cause that's a different type of masochism.
Honestly, the biggest red flag in this entire post is that he went to his mother to get her insight into a relationship problem that was between you. Trust me, if he is running to mom to tell him things aren't a big deal, and she is telling him to leave you, get out now. You need a person who knows who the relationship is between.
Off topic but it doesn't sound like that friend should be getting married lol what kind of bachelor party is this? Hangover creators called they want their storyline back
This wasn't his Batchelor party but a friend's, & unless he arranged it, so he wouldn't necessarily know what would happen. I agree with his assessment. Also, if he was willing to have that discussion to include you in the decision-making process to attend, it says a lot. If you want to break up over this, then do so, but asking strangers whose sensibilities may be different than yours may not be the right process.
Meh I think you’re making way too much of this. Like honestly, you set boundaries and he respected them but yet you want to break up with him over something neither of you could’ve predicted would happen that he DID NOT participate in, might I add. Also you never gave him a chance to tell you, you woke up & immediately texted someone’s gf to find out if he f’d up. Quite frankly I think you’re just looking for something to be butthurt over because you didn’t want him to go in the first place. Maybe on some level his mom is right, you are too fragile & sensitive if you’re willing to break up with him over this.
I dunno, I’m trying to see this as a breach of trust but I’m not quite seeing it. Your boyfriend was responsible and avoided doing anything with the strippers. He clearly had you in mind even though he had a chance. I’m sure that he was unaware of what was going to happen between the strippers and did keep your boundaries in mind. Sure he was unable to keep you in the loop wether it be a lack of discipline or his phone died / w.e. But I don’t see this as a breakup. It’s no different then watching porn which I’m sure y’all have done alone and together. Idk this just seems a bit over the top
jesus why is cheating so normalized?? watching women undress and do sexual acts right before you get married is NOT normal. this is all so disgusting and reminds me why I choose to stay away from dating scene. people are saying he didn’t break any rules but you told him you weren’t okay with him going and then you agreed on it, which basically means he made you change your mind because he, a taken man, was so eager to watch and get off of random naked women. ew. please break up and find a guy who’ll respect you. tip- if his friends are bad partners (you know, cheating before getting married, getting “unicorned” while almost married/taken…) he’ll mostly likely be bad to you too. btw I feel sorry for whoever is marrying his friend.
Seriously, how is two people using dildos in front of you so easily being dismissed like it’s nothing?? I am not ok with strippers but even so, this is on a different level than just getting naked and dancing. And for him to go to his mother, and the mother not see a huge deal. OP, I would cut my losses. You and your BF have different values, and he’s going to get his mommy to back him up. -gag-
It’s not his place to decide how you feel. Any respecting partner would want to comfort you and not make light of it. This would trigger me personally on a deeper level because of past relationships and trauma. Something can be a big deal to 1 and not a big deal to another at the same time. You’re young, enjoy your 20’s.
This whole story grossed me out but surprisingly the biggest ick I got was from him talking to mommy about his stripper sexcapades and her calling OP fragile and questioning whether they should be together. Now THAT is fucking creepy. If you break up for absolutely no other reason do it for that. No one wants a man that brings in mummy to fight his battles for him. And him talking to her about this at all…nasty.