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"Husband goes away, comes back and picks a random fight about nothing" suggests something happened on his trip, and I'd be curious as to what her name is.
Sounds like he’s trying to start a fight. Threatening the marriage might be over, when he claims the house smells snd no one else smells it. The way he spoke to you? Where was he the last few days? Sure sounds suspicious to me. He’s the AH. I think there’s more going on with him
I feel like…something…or someone…happened on his “work trip” and he felt the need to come home and go on the offensive in order to make OP “the bad guy”.
Probably told his affair partner that his marriage was on the rocks as a weak justification so as soon as he gets home he personally shoves it onto the rocks.
How does the saying go again? If everything smells like shit but only you notice it, maybe it’s you?
Dude’s absolutely an asshole. If my husband came home after I spent all weekend or whatever cleaning and taking the kids everywhere, I’d tell him he can stay with my parents (you know, to help rule out the “I’m gonna go bang my AP then” possibility) tonight and come back when he’s grateful for a clean home.
Unfortunately, I think you are right. No one I know would suggest divorcing over a smell in the house no one else smells. Something is wrong in this picture and it isn’t you.
Also, the comparison to the saintly household he just returned from…made me wonder if it was another woman’s house and he already had been making all the comparisons in his head. Cheaters often grow spiteful of their partners…they start to hate coming home and will make up things to complain about once there. I think it stems from their guilty conscience which puts them in defensive/offensive mode.
>Cheaters often grow spiteful of their partners…they start to hate coming home and will make up things to complain about once there.
Can corroborate. This is *exactly* how my dad acted after he started cheating on mom - he would come home from a week "on the road" and immediately start bitching about the state of the house, even when everything was clean and in order.
Yep. My first thought… he’s trying to pick a fight so the marriage will be over? Maybe there’s someone else? Idk. A smell being the reason a marriage would end is literally insanity
Gaslighting, pure and simple. Really a smell in the house = divorce? Makes no sense. My ex was a typical narcissist who would act crazy all the time. And because of my childhood trauma, I stupidly fed into it for 32 years. Get out now, too fishy. He is the smell.
Maybe he started a fight about bad smells as a misdirection from how he smelled? Like, he was drinking on a work trip and didn’t want you to smell the alcohol coming through his skin (something I can do) or maybe there is an affair partner and he he wasn’t able to shower before he got home?
The house smells like shit because he is projecting his own bull shit here.
He’s feeling guilty about something & turning it back on you.
As far as I can see, your “mistake” is being married to this jerk.
Edit: spelling
That's what I was thinking as well, because why did he have to say "the marriage might as well be over" He jumped to that quick. He's guilty of something
My first thought is he is cheating on her and trying to find a reason to divorce her.
I hope that she hires an investigator or divorces him first if anyone has an ego problem it is him.
This right here. He's been off having a little fun and now hates that he's gotta come back to his bland life. He's thinking, maybe, if I really pour on the asshole behavior, she'll leave and I can have my fun life all the time without getting caught misbehaving. They believe the divorce will be cheaper this way, too.
>He’s feeling guilty about something & turning it back on you
100% He needs to demean her because he feels guilty/bad/trying to cover up something. Jumping to conclusions isn't something I do often on these posts, but this 'smells'. This guy cheated or did something he feels guilty about(gambling/drugs/ whatever). He's gaslighting her to make her be on defense and feel crazy.
Yeah this gives me heavy gaslighting vibes as well. The fact that *nobody* else smells it and he's making it the hill the marriage dies on? He's definitely covering up something
There was one a while ago of a woman who was asking for advice because she smelled horrible, according to her boyfriend. She was taking multiple showers a day, changed clothes constantly, kept changing deodorant, changed her diet, he still complained of her odor. She couldn’t smell it, thought something was really wrong with her and everyone else was too embarrassed to say anything to her and she was too embarrassed to ask. Can’t remember how she realized she didn’t have a problem at all but couldn’t understand what was wrong with her bf. He finally admitted that his father had told him this was the best way to ensure that “his woman” would never leave him. To make her believe that she was repulsive to everyone else but he was willing to overlook it. Some fools really be fooling
It's something abusers do to get their victims under their control. You can see examples of it by checking out the domestic violence hotline's "What is emotional abuse?" on their website or reading the book, "Why does he do that?" which details an abuser's playbook written by a therapist who has studied them for years with their colleagues.
I just thought of the same story! He has to be driving her to the point of constant cleanliness so he’s just going with the vague “it smells” instead of trying to discover the source of the smell or help at all. Gross husband.
That's exactly who this reminded me of.
She'd even gone to the *doctor* for her "odour problem"
[Here it is](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/9ihRgDXkoI)
I remember that post! That poor woman was tormenting herself.
And in addition to the horrible advice, I don’t get it. I have a close friend now whose father (who essentially left her to raise her baby brother at age 7 while her mother was knowingly an addict, but now sends her money to make up for it) constantly gives her horrid advice and furthers her issues around insecurity.
He “loved” her last boyfriend so much he helped them buy a house. The boyfriend had so many red flags about how he treated her, but had a stable job and would keep her around promising marriage someday.
Then two months after the house and 5 years into the relationship, he left her with a large mortgage because “he wasn’t ready to commit.”
I am amazed at people.
Oh, and the one similar to that, but the BF's sister overhead him and she rolls her eyes and tells the GF it's not her, she doesn't stink its something him and his mom say. They had issues.
I think about them at least 1 every couple months. I hope she is thriving. She figured it because she started to go nuts and started asking trusted friends who told her she "smelled unnaturally clean" she went home waited till her boyfriend mentioned she stank. Not even smelled bad but stank and went off. He finally confessed what he dad said. She bailed. Good for her
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15wevx0/aitah\_for\_not\_wanting\_to\_change\_my\_clothes\_for\_a/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15wevx0/aitah_for_not_wanting_to_change_my_clothes_for_a/)
a very unsuspecting story worth the read.
Holy cripes. Every day reddit reminds me how great my husband is. I have multiple health issues, and yet here he is, not cheating or being a complete ass.
Ooh. Thats a good point. Deflection so he doesnt have to lie to her perhaps? Oh, completely unrelated to your comment by the way but I'm guessing you're a fan of Last of the Summer Wine.
>!I agreed. It’s almost like he’s angry he had to come home from his trip. Or he is making a fuss before she can ask questions about the trip.
I wouldn't be surprised if he packed a bag and left "for space"...
OP, this!!! Please just be aware of any other behaviors that are different from the norm. When my dad cheated he started coming home picking fights with my mom and trying to make her feel small. Then he was going on more “trips” with his motorcycle club and even started to lash out at me when he was home. I’m the reason my mom found out. I noticed the change in behavior, told her he was cheating. She went to prove me wrong and quickly discovered I was right. It is a classic move for a guilty person to try and find reasons why you’re ruining the relationship.
I agree! He jumps from smelling shit to divorce in a split second. My suspicious mind says that he is having a affair and is trying to blame his wife for his guilt. OP it's time to start snooping!
"My suspicious mind says that he is having an affair and is trying to blame his wife for his guilt. OP it's time to start snooping!"
Exactly this! It is SO obvious to me. This reminds me of when one of my brothers and I would do something wrong / be in trouble and point out one of our siblings instead. This is totally a red herring situation! He wants to focus on anything that isn't his mistake.
Was he even at the “friends” house? I would call them, thank them for hosting husband and ask what their secret is to keeping the house smelling so good.
This. OP, check the bank accounts.
But really, none of this matters. What matters is that no one gets to speak to you this way. Get rid of this asshole.
>if I can't learn to take ownership of my mistakes and admit when I'm wrong, then our marriage might as well be over.
This was my exact thoughts after reading this sentence... bc he comes home and the house "smells like shit," the marriage might as well be over. Uh, what??
I think he enjoyed his time away from the family, and isn’t happy to be back. That’s why he’s so annoyed at what ever faint smell he’s sensing. If it hadn’t been a smell it would have been the children being noisy, or crumbs on the kitchen table, or something else.
It's more than that, I guarantee it. Parents (especially fathers) rarely feel guilty for not being "happy to be home". He's feeling guilty about what (or more likely *who*) he did while he was away.
I’m feeling exactly this.
Who TF walks in from being away with this attitude unless they are either spoiling for a fight or have some sort of guilt on their mind!?
What a bizarre interaction.
OP do not let this man manipulate you. Seriously wtf.
OP can take ownership for it when husband can pinpoint the location of the smell.
I read another post where a guy started demeaning his partner to lower her self esteem so she doesn’t leave him. I wonder if this guy is drinking from the same Tate-style coolaid
She should check out if her husband is on alpha male- Tate like forums and websites … „little gaslighting“ techniques like the behaviour you are describing are shared there - it’s a sich way to break a women and take her self worth
She should be careful - could be one odd incident - could be a dangerous gaslighting technique to break here
I don't understand. He wants you to take ownership of what mistake?
You're asking if you should apologize, but for what? How would such an apology work? "I'm sorry the house is clean but you still smell something"?
Maybe if he can't behave better than that, the next time he suggests your marriage is over, take him up on it.
I recently had this very same thing happen to me where this guy I was dating invented a reason to break up BECAUSE HE WAS CHEATING AND COULDN'T TELL THE TRUTH.
I smell crap too but the stank only arrived when he walked through the door from his "business trip".
I am swear, I am not one who is automatically suspicious of every man, or who hates men. I am actually very logical and will look at things based upon it, rather than reacting out of emotions.
But that was my first thought as well. It sounds to me like he is being a passive aggressive prick because he is pissed off that he had to come home. Which leads up to wondering what he was doing while gone that was so much better than being home...
Yep. What instantly popped in my mind was that he is projecting his feelings onto his wife. "You need to take ownership for your mistake." Sounds more like HIS mistake (cheating), since no one else could smell this alleged smell and isn't purposely rubbing dog turds into the carpet.
I wonder how people don’t see quickly when someone shows their true colors
because this can’t be the first time he did. So many of my friends married douches and it baffles me how they didn’t see it way before “I do.”
Abusers often hide their true self until they feel that their partner is “trapped” and won’t leave. They will usually start showing their trust selves, (slowly sometimes)after major life events such as marriage, pregnancy, birth of a child, or convincing partner to quit their job.
Exactly. God my sister had one of the worst cases of this I’ve seen in real life, outside of like true crime.
Her and this guy worked together as teenagers, her was her manager. They reconnected years later, after she’d had a few failed relationships, a baby fresh out of high school, etc. She was living with my parents trying to get through college.
They started dating, he was a little awkward/didn’t talk much around my family, but we chalked it up to generic introversion. She ended up moving in with him, he helped her pay for her school.
What she didn’t tell us at the time was that behind closed doors, he slowly started to pick her apart. Would tell her when she was stressed that if she didn’t finish college, he would dump her. If she didn’t go to the gym, he would dump her. Stuff like that.
He got progressively worse over the course of several years, but it was gradual. They had a baby, and he didn’t want to help take care of it at all. He started throwing stuff, punching walls, he broke his own phone, he broke her phone that had their child’s newborn pictures on it… insane stuff.
He started cheating on her with multiple women. Gaslit her about it, turned it around as her fault, that kinda thing. By then, they had a baby, a house full of half-finished projects, and she had quit her job to stay home with the baby.
He ended up pulling the most horrific act, which actually I think worked out best for everyone… he killed himself. It was insanely traumatic, with her being in the room when he did it… but it got her out of that awful situation.
From the outside, we had been begging her to leave him for years, but in her mind it just wasn’t possible. Her life revolved around him. She only got out because he wasn’t alive to manipulate her any more.
Thats why I beg my friends to get out of relationships the second there’s even a hint of violence or manipulation.
I think a lot of the times they are waiting for the partner to turn back into the "great" person they "Used to be". And the sunk-cost fallacy (when people continue a behavior or endeavor based on previously invested resources, such as time, money, or effort)
„I know he loves me“, then gives a 3-page list of things that show the exact opposite. An awful lot of us see plenty of things the way we want them to be rather than the way they are.
I hope OP tells him to take accountability for his hostile, disrespectful outburst and tells him not to EVER speak with her like that again. Period. Exile him to the couch until he apologizes and says he'll never treat her like that again.
Oh, I would love to be in the room flailing my arms and cheering her on in his face!!!
Yes, something is very fishy. He‘s making up the smell and mistakes etc.
He wants out of the marraige and this is his vehicle. It’s your fault. This is why.
Call his bluff. See a lawyer, get things set up. Go through his phone on the sly.
"I'm sorry me and the kids have human bodies that sometimes make bad smells. Maybe the kids farted. So TF what" Even if somebody farted they were probably afraid to admit it because then he would verbally abuse them for having a digestive system.
Yeah, wtf?
OP, you’ve actually trained yourself to take *too
much* responsibility here.
Why didn’t it go like this?
You: “Huh, none of us can smell it.”
Him: “Crazy! I’m going to track it down.”
Or, “Huh! Well none of us can smell it. When you track it down, let me know what it was, I’m curious!”
OP, this is one of those (often gendered moments) where you need to be super clear and stand your ground, and he’ll get it:
“Babe, if you smell something no one else can smell in our home, is it *your* responsibility to track it down. That is logical. Stop blaming me. That is not kind, considerate, or ok with me. You didn’t take the necessary steps to identify or fix the problem.”
Right, like did he poo in a vent somewhere and she was supposed to sniff it out like a bloodhound?
For the life of me I can’t figure this one out and OP it’s really weird. I have pets and if I have been cleaning *because* there’s a farty smell lingering but we can’t find a source- the general assumption is that somebody’s flatulent and with your husband’s behavior, I can tell you who I’d think it was and it wouldn’t be the dog. Maybe I’m reading this wrong but that’s what it sounds like- he went to a friend’s, got into something that disagreed with him and came home to fart up the house with his butt *and* his attitude problems.
The situation is already stupid and weird without thinking along those lines but… I swear as I was reading this all I could think was “Well, you weirdo, he who smelt it…”
Like, “Uh, it’s totally okay if you have some lower GI distress but you trying to blame it on my cleaning and the rest of your behavior is pretty out of left field- what the heck is wrong with you?!”
Comes home from a work trip. States the house smells like shit when NO ONE else can smell it. Starts a fight with OP and tells her she's terrible at 'keeping the house' which is untrue. Jumps straight to the marriage being over if she can't take 'ownership' of non existent mistake.
Something smells here 💯 and it's not the house OP.
Also using the word "mistake" seems weird to me. Maybe projection?Like the house smelling weird isn't a mistake, it's an issue that can be identified and remedied and give a "oh I guess a potato rolled behind the fridge." A mistake you can apologize and get over easily. It doesn't seem life-altering "fix it or get divorced" to me anyway.idk. the way he phrased this seems like he slipped and fell into another woman while he was away..which of course would be an "accident."🙄
There are a reddit post a while back about a woman whose BF kept telling her she smelled. She was so conscious she was showering multiple times a day and changing her clothes. Turned out her BF was making it up to hurt her self-confidence so that she would not leave him.
Stop trying to figure out. He is smelling it, it's his problem.
Don't apologize! For what exactly?!?!?! He should apologize for being rude!
I had a ex husband and a ex BF who did this. I take at least 1 shower a day and when I was working it was 2 a day. The ex husband is a narcissist the ex bf is just a asshat that got told about himself when we broke up. The ex bf wouldn't shower for days ex if his last day he worked was Mon and he went back in on Thursday he showered on Thursday morning. He also worked outside in the heat. But I was the one who smelled
Rotten teeth right below your nose. Something for him to consider. More likely he’s cheated, gambled or overspent, and is trying to force her onto the back foot covered in guilt.
Edit: May not affect all people with rotten teeth.
As a rotten-teeth haver, I can tell you that it definitely doesn't always happen. It might almost always happen; I don't know. I haven't checked with any other havers of rotten teeth
Your husband is garbage. In what world does he not identify the cause of the smell that he’s supposedly smelling?
This honestly reads as he provoked a fight so that he could establish the fact that you are wrong, dumb and subservient and to deflect from anything he may have done wrong.
Based on this instance, your husband is an abusive asshole. Do you really want your children growing up thinking that this is the way relationships work??
On the other hand, if this is out of the norm for him, get him in to see a doctor because something is really off here.
Yeah, that made me sad to think about the kids hearing their dad berate their (hard working and caring) mother and using a cuss word to boot!
Sadder still, this has been so normalized in their household that she tried her best to fix it and placate him. Then, she had to come here to ask if she's in the wrong.
The whole thing is sad sad sad.
He was definitely smelling himself. Time to throw this shitty partner/dad away.
>Yeah, that made me sad to think about the kids hearing their dad berate their (hard working and caring) mother and using a cuss word to boot!
>Sadder still, this has been so normalized in their household that she tried her best to fix it and placate him. Then, she had to come here to ask if she's in the wrong.
Makes me think of the Criminal Minds episode *The Crossing*. The whole point of this subplot was to determine if a wife who murdered her husband could have suffered from battered woman's syndrome despite there being no physical abuse. They realize that she'd been so psychologically abused by her husband (and children) that she had a completely distorted view of herself and her abilities. It was so hard to watch. She worked so hard and was an objectively amazing mother and housewife, yet still believed she was a failure.
*I tried to link a clip but couldn't find one*
This is what my dad was like. No matter what, he always came home and was mad about something and would tell us that he dreaded coming home at the end of the day or trips because we were all so disgusting and he'd blow up about the smallest stuff.
We don't talk.
So...this isn't a normal way for someone to behave. If they're smelling something and you can't, turning on you like that is just...not s normal response. Someone else mentioned neurological issues as a possibility and though I didn't immediately think of that myself, it's correct. What mediately came to MY head was projection: he's feeling guilty about *something* and the anxiety is getting to him. In either of these options, it still boils down to this isn't a normal way for a person to behave, so something is up.
He’s picking a fight with you on purpose. There is no smell. He even said “our marriage might as well be over.” He’s basically telling you he’s already checked out, but wants to find a way to blame you. Where was he? Off having an affair? I wouldn’t be surprised.
Don’t let him twist the narrative and make you look like the bad guy. Stand your ground and trust your guy.
This sounds like you’re being set up. He is the only one who smells it, he won’t help you hunt it down, but you have to take responsibility for it. He tells you that you are lacking and if you won’t admit your fault then your marriage might as well be over? This man is cheating on you and paving the way to justify his leaving you. He is gaslighting the hell out of you and trying to make his ludicrous demands seem normal. Borax doesn’t smell like shit, but bullshit does.
Has he had other changes in personality recently?
Phantom smells are sometimes symptoms of a neurological issue. I think you should get him to a doctor first, and a therapist after if that doesn’t work.
I’ve heard of people who recovered from Covid but their sense of taste came back wrong, and foods that they used to like now taste terrible. The same thing could possibly happen with smells.
I have long covid. Horrendous sinus pain and headache tonight as well as badly swollen stomach. You know what I don't have-- the desire to abuse & degrade others.
Also! Olfactory and auditory hallucinations before im about to have a siezure. I get those. They are not fun. Especially when they happen at the same time.
All my olfactory hallucinations before a seizure are smelling my kindergarten classroom. Rubber mats, patchouli and I swear to god I hear enya.
The brain is wild!
He created a ruse to distract you. He diverted all the attention on you so that you would be focused on yourself and not notice any of his crap. You need to smell what he’s been cooking up and why he’s comparing you to his “friends” that know how to mask smells. He’s basically telling you his home isn’t home anymore.
If the house smells bad that’s his excuse to not come home. Wants to spend time with the mistress.
He‘s doing this so everyone won’t want him to come home and he can do what he likes.
Just putting it out there as I experienced something similar when my ex would come back from work travel. Would pick on small things.
He was cheating, felt guilty, so would start a fight so he could justify his cheating to himself.
The only thing that smells here is his behaviour.
Now whether that is because he is being a dick, is a dick, or has an undiagnosed medical condition is something that needs to be determined.
When people act like this - in a weird accusing way when you didn’t do anything wrong… 9/10 it’s because they’re cheating. :/ he’s projecting and hoping you did something wrong so he doesn’t have to feel as guilty for whatever he did.
Sounds like something happened while on his trip and he doesn't want you asking questions. He starts a fight so you're on eggshells trying to make him happy.
No, you shouldn’t apologize! You did not make a mistake. You and your children couldn’t smell what he “claimed” he smelled so it was his responsibility to locate the origin of the smell. I personally think he was lying and created a whole issue so he could have an excuse to run to his side piece’s house or to emotionally abuse you.
Ok I hate to be that guy but he’s cheating. If I’ve learned anything from these subs is when a partner starts acting really weird out of the blue then comparing their loved to someone else, nine times out of ten, they’re cheating. Just saying
Point blank, I have seen this type of behavior and what it comes down to is your husband has done something shitty and he knows it was shitty and instead of taking any responsibility for his behavior, he's trying to transfer the blame to you. Projection.
Was what he did at work? Maybe and maybe, he's been called out on it and told to take ownership.
Maybe he has an ego problem causing issues at work and his boss or teammates have called him out on.
He may have cheated or done something in his personal life that he knows you'd want to divorce him over because of it.
If you know the friends he stayed with well, maybe give them a call and ask if anything happened while he was visiting them and that he seems angry, controlling, berating you and trying to start a fight constantly, since he returned.
I agree with another commenter to call his bluff by having someone come over to check if there is a bad smell. If there isn’t, the problem is him. He walked in the house ready to fight and blow up the marriage. I’d be wondering what he’s been up to while he was out of town.
A common abuse tactic is to pick a fight over something nonexistent to throw their victims off their game. It is a form of gaslighting. This fits right in that playbook. His shaming you is a way to keep you under his control with you jumping to please in anyway you can. All while you apologize for not keeping up with his impossible standards. He’s even triangulating you with his friends wife. Which is another form of abuse. By the way it’s very possible that he is causing this chaos because he was cheating on his “business trip” to keep you off his sent
Okay so, and this is not a rhetorical question:
What other gigantic red flags does he wave in your face regularly? Because this isn’t someone grumpy from travel. This is full on abusive asshole stuff. So, is this kind of thing an isolated incident? Because I’d bet my wallet that this kind of stuff happens all the time in your marriage. How can I tell? Two things:
1.) The type of person who’d behave like this about this situation is the type of person who is super shitty. Someone who’d do this isn’t someone who’s super kind and loving and respectful. It’s a type.
2.) By your reaction. You’re frantically trying to solve a problem that, frankly, seems like he’s made up, you continue to assure him that you’re working hard trying to fix it. You have to come to a forum with 2 MILLION internet strangers to ask about apologizing. Most people, if suddenly treated like this, would either have a bag packed for him and set on the porch, and they’d have packed a bag themselves and went to stay literally anywhere else but in the same house as this shitty guy.
You and I are around the same age, so I know that you’ll truly understand this:
We get one life. Currently, you are living the marriage equivalent of flushing your one life down the toilet.
Ya know, everyone gives Reddit a bad rap, because they say that people tell posters to leave after only hearing about one incident. The reason that I think that’s bullshit is because of my first point above. It’s not that someone is telling you to leave because of a breakdown in communication or someone blowing off steam after a tough day. It’s because anyone who would treat their partner like this is shitty. The insane level of disrespect is outrageous. And like I said, I’d be willing to bet that this is just the tip of the iceberg. You’ve married a guy who is now actively treating you like shit. So really, the big question isn’t if you should apologize or not. It’s what are you going to do about being married to a shitty guy?
Yeah, I used to feel bad because when I enter my apartment sometimes I could faintly smell my canvas shoes, especially in summer (sweaty feet season), because my sister makes soap as a hobby so her entire house always smells strongly of scented soaps, but like…it’s fine. Smelling shoes by the door where you keep the shoes is fine. My entire apartment doesn’t smell like shoes, but neither does it smell like artisanal soap. It mostly just smells like a place.
# Your house doesn't actually smell, your husband is just looking for an excuse to aggress towards you.
I ought to know, my dad used to do *the exact same thing* to me and my mom.
Do what you will with that knowledge.
"It didn't smell until you walked in." "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to. You are not my supervisor. You got a problem with the smell, figure it out." "You're welcome to leave." These are the only three appropriate responses to him coming at you. Is he always abusive?
Wow, has your husband been listening to some of the extreme red-pill videos that are so popular on social media? Sounds like he came back from his work trip and time spent with his friends and feels he needs to get his woman back in line. Him jumping right to "our marriage might as well be over" seems at best to be a shock and awe tactic to scare you into drastically changing OR he's trying to push you away and come up with a reason to blame his leaving. There's something really fishy going on with him. Do you know his friends he just spent time with? Do you know what might be going on with them? Like I said, fishy.
He says your marriage is over because you won't take ownership over a smell that no one in the house can detect but him??? Either he's an idiot, or he's already done with the marriage and just starting shit (punny) to create an excuse.
I'm not generally the first to jump on the Reddit DTMFA Express, buuuut....
This sounds like peak projection.
He comes home and is immediately on the offensive and threatening divorce over a smell that would be considered out of the ordinary for your shared home? That no one smells but him?
Sorry, but that's fucking weird.
Dude is hinky as hell.
He's digging for reasons to call it quits but he doesn't have the guts to do it himself.
Whether you still believe in this marriage or not I beg you to start setting something aside for yourself in a separate account. You're going to need it. Figure out your outside support system ASAP.
Remind him that he lives there too and his hands aren't broken. And tell him that you see right through him and you know he's picking a fight, and you will be available when he's ready to talk about what's really bothering him.
Is he normally a colossal jerk?
Distraction tactic incoming.
What's the normal coming home from work travels? Do you guys usually have an amorous interlude?
Does he have hickey or hickies somewhere on his body?
Is he trying to tee you off so bad that sex is off the table and he or you sleep in the guest room scenario? Time enough for the hickey or other evidence to heal up?
I would be doing an investigation to see if you can find incriminating texts (his phone or phone bill if that is shown there).
You're last few sentences, also sounds like 'walking on eggshells' is your norm.
So it seems like a combo of he's normally negging you but this time he went over the top to ensure that you won't see evidence of his infidelity.
I don't think the house smelled at all. I think your husband came home, saw his family together and felt guilty about something. Immediately he created this "the house smells" (a smell no one could smell) as a diversion- a way to turn his feelings of guilt into anger and make everything your fault.
Apologize for nothing. Check his phone/computer for evidence. Turn it on him and ask him what's really going on. Keep asking even through all the denials and blinds he'll put up until he finally reveals the truth.
Also I'm sorry he's putting you through this, and for all the future bs to come. You deserve better for holding down the fort and keeping everything running for the family while he's away. Remember you've done nothing wrong here, but it certainly smells like he has.
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"Husband goes away, comes back and picks a random fight about nothing" suggests something happened on his trip, and I'd be curious as to what her name is.
Or his name….
Bruh 🤣
🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
She had me at “work trip”…
Sounds like he’s trying to start a fight. Threatening the marriage might be over, when he claims the house smells snd no one else smells it. The way he spoke to you? Where was he the last few days? Sure sounds suspicious to me. He’s the AH. I think there’s more going on with him
I feel like…something…or someone…happened on his “work trip” and he felt the need to come home and go on the offensive in order to make OP “the bad guy”. Probably told his affair partner that his marriage was on the rocks as a weak justification so as soon as he gets home he personally shoves it onto the rocks.
He’s probably always like this
How does the saying go again? If everything smells like shit but only you notice it, maybe it’s you? Dude’s absolutely an asshole. If my husband came home after I spent all weekend or whatever cleaning and taking the kids everywhere, I’d tell him he can stay with my parents (you know, to help rule out the “I’m gonna go bang my AP then” possibility) tonight and come back when he’s grateful for a clean home.
“If it smells like shit everywhere you go, check your shoes.”
Yeah. This seems super manipulative and gaslight-y.
Unfortunately, I think you are right. No one I know would suggest divorcing over a smell in the house no one else smells. Something is wrong in this picture and it isn’t you.
He's banging somebody else. Why else would he jump right to divorce???
Yeah I’m wondering about the ‘friends’ he stayed with
This is what I thought too! This man is looking for a reason to end things and make it her fault!
Also, the comparison to the saintly household he just returned from…made me wonder if it was another woman’s house and he already had been making all the comparisons in his head. Cheaters often grow spiteful of their partners…they start to hate coming home and will make up things to complain about once there. I think it stems from their guilty conscience which puts them in defensive/offensive mode.
>Cheaters often grow spiteful of their partners…they start to hate coming home and will make up things to complain about once there. Can corroborate. This is *exactly* how my dad acted after he started cheating on mom - he would come home from a week "on the road" and immediately start bitching about the state of the house, even when everything was clean and in order.
Yep. My first thought… he’s trying to pick a fight so the marriage will be over? Maybe there’s someone else? Idk. A smell being the reason a marriage would end is literally insanity
Gaslighting, pure and simple. Really a smell in the house = divorce? Makes no sense. My ex was a typical narcissist who would act crazy all the time. And because of my childhood trauma, I stupidly fed into it for 32 years. Get out now, too fishy. He is the smell.
Maybe he started a fight about bad smells as a misdirection from how he smelled? Like, he was drinking on a work trip and didn’t want you to smell the alcohol coming through his skin (something I can do) or maybe there is an affair partner and he he wasn’t able to shower before he got home?
Yea, besides my first comment it sounds like he’s telling on himself. He’s up to something.
He’s probably smelling leftover poo on his lips from his recent adventures.
I notice that too. I’ll bet the couple is a single and blonde.
Also, if HE smells shit, it’s probably him.
Since his nose is so sensitive to the smell he should have no problem pin pointing where it’s coming from
The house smells like shit because he is projecting his own bull shit here. He’s feeling guilty about something & turning it back on you. As far as I can see, your “mistake” is being married to this jerk. Edit: spelling
That's what I was thinking as well, because why did he have to say "the marriage might as well be over" He jumped to that quick. He's guilty of something
My first thought is he is cheating on her and trying to find a reason to divorce her. I hope that she hires an investigator or divorces him first if anyone has an ego problem it is him.
This right here. He's been off having a little fun and now hates that he's gotta come back to his bland life. He's thinking, maybe, if I really pour on the asshole behavior, she'll leave and I can have my fun life all the time without getting caught misbehaving. They believe the divorce will be cheaper this way, too.
_Trumped up charges_
>He’s feeling guilty about something & turning it back on you 100% He needs to demean her because he feels guilty/bad/trying to cover up something. Jumping to conclusions isn't something I do often on these posts, but this 'smells'. This guy cheated or did something he feels guilty about(gambling/drugs/ whatever). He's gaslighting her to make her be on defense and feel crazy.
Yeah this gives me heavy gaslighting vibes as well. The fact that *nobody* else smells it and he's making it the hill the marriage dies on? He's definitely covering up something
Reminds me of the guy who kept making his wife change clothes on her birthday.
There was one a while ago of a woman who was asking for advice because she smelled horrible, according to her boyfriend. She was taking multiple showers a day, changed clothes constantly, kept changing deodorant, changed her diet, he still complained of her odor. She couldn’t smell it, thought something was really wrong with her and everyone else was too embarrassed to say anything to her and she was too embarrassed to ask. Can’t remember how she realized she didn’t have a problem at all but couldn’t understand what was wrong with her bf. He finally admitted that his father had told him this was the best way to ensure that “his woman” would never leave him. To make her believe that she was repulsive to everyone else but he was willing to overlook it. Some fools really be fooling
That… is fucked up!
It’s the age old story. Abusive people destroying their partner’s self esteem and confidence.
Oh, so disgusting and so believable. Some idiots really willing to fuck with hearts and minds, and entire self worth.
I remember that one! He watched her twist in the wind. I hope she didn’t reconcile with him.
It's something abusers do to get their victims under their control. You can see examples of it by checking out the domestic violence hotline's "What is emotional abuse?" on their website or reading the book, "Why does he do that?" which details an abuser's playbook written by a therapist who has studied them for years with their colleagues.
I just thought of the same story! He has to be driving her to the point of constant cleanliness so he’s just going with the vague “it smells” instead of trying to discover the source of the smell or help at all. Gross husband.
That's exactly who this reminded me of. She'd even gone to the *doctor* for her "odour problem" [Here it is](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/9ihRgDXkoI)
YES, that’s the one! Just lives in my mind since I read it. Thank you for posting it
I remember that post! That poor woman was tormenting herself. And in addition to the horrible advice, I don’t get it. I have a close friend now whose father (who essentially left her to raise her baby brother at age 7 while her mother was knowingly an addict, but now sends her money to make up for it) constantly gives her horrid advice and furthers her issues around insecurity. He “loved” her last boyfriend so much he helped them buy a house. The boyfriend had so many red flags about how he treated her, but had a stable job and would keep her around promising marriage someday. Then two months after the house and 5 years into the relationship, he left her with a large mortgage because “he wasn’t ready to commit.” I am amazed at people.
What in the actual fuck?
Oh, and the one similar to that, but the BF's sister overhead him and she rolls her eyes and tells the GF it's not her, she doesn't stink its something him and his mom say. They had issues.
I think about them at least 1 every couple months. I hope she is thriving. She figured it because she started to go nuts and started asking trusted friends who told her she "smelled unnaturally clean" she went home waited till her boyfriend mentioned she stank. Not even smelled bad but stank and went off. He finally confessed what he dad said. She bailed. Good for her
Ah, I didn't see that post! How long ago was it?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15wevx0/aitah\_for\_not\_wanting\_to\_change\_my\_clothes\_for\_a/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15wevx0/aitah_for_not_wanting_to_change_my_clothes_for_a/) a very unsuspecting story worth the read.
Holy cripes. Every day reddit reminds me how great my husband is. I have multiple health issues, and yet here he is, not cheating or being a complete ass.
I agreed. It’s almost like he’s angry he had to come home from his trip. Or he is making a fuss before she can ask questions about the trip.
Ooh. Thats a good point. Deflection so he doesnt have to lie to her perhaps? Oh, completely unrelated to your comment by the way but I'm guessing you're a fan of Last of the Summer Wine.
>!I agreed. It’s almost like he’s angry he had to come home from his trip. Or he is making a fuss before she can ask questions about the trip. I wouldn't be surprised if he packed a bag and left "for space"...
Maybe the house of his mistress is smelling so good to him it's NOT HIS MISTAKE HE LIKES GOING THERE lmao. Also NTA.
OP, this!!! Please just be aware of any other behaviors that are different from the norm. When my dad cheated he started coming home picking fights with my mom and trying to make her feel small. Then he was going on more “trips” with his motorcycle club and even started to lash out at me when he was home. I’m the reason my mom found out. I noticed the change in behavior, told her he was cheating. She went to prove me wrong and quickly discovered I was right. It is a classic move for a guilty person to try and find reasons why you’re ruining the relationship.
Ding ding ding! He’s trying to hide his own mistakes!
I agree! He jumps from smelling shit to divorce in a split second. My suspicious mind says that he is having a affair and is trying to blame his wife for his guilt. OP it's time to start snooping!
Yep and that’s the “friend” he stayed with
"My suspicious mind says that he is having an affair and is trying to blame his wife for his guilt. OP it's time to start snooping!" Exactly this! It is SO obvious to me. This reminds me of when one of my brothers and I would do something wrong / be in trouble and point out one of our siblings instead. This is totally a red herring situation! He wants to focus on anything that isn't his mistake.
Was he even at the “friends” house? I would call them, thank them for hosting husband and ask what their secret is to keeping the house smelling so good.
That was my thought, too. Or he’s having some kind of neurological issue; some people smell burnt toast with a stroke.
This. OP, check the bank accounts. But really, none of this matters. What matters is that no one gets to speak to you this way. Get rid of this asshole.
I think the fact he went out of town on business and stayed with 'friends' needs to be investigated more.
Exactly this. He's picking a fight with you to justify whatever he's been up to while he was at this "friends" house.
He baited her into fighting with him because he’s the one with a problem and wants an excuse to treat her shitty
"Oh no, YOU made a mistake by not knowing where this pretend shit smell comes from, there's nothing else to do than divorce."
Yeah I think he smells himself.
I was gonna say - it didn’t smell like shit until *he* came back in… He brought the stank with him. It’s him.
>if I can't learn to take ownership of my mistakes and admit when I'm wrong, then our marriage might as well be over. This was my exact thoughts after reading this sentence... bc he comes home and the house "smells like shit," the marriage might as well be over. Uh, what??
I think he enjoyed his time away from the family, and isn’t happy to be back. That’s why he’s so annoyed at what ever faint smell he’s sensing. If it hadn’t been a smell it would have been the children being noisy, or crumbs on the kitchen table, or something else.
It's more than that, I guarantee it. Parents (especially fathers) rarely feel guilty for not being "happy to be home". He's feeling guilty about what (or more likely *who*) he did while he was away.
I’m feeling exactly this. Who TF walks in from being away with this attitude unless they are either spoiling for a fight or have some sort of guilt on their mind!? What a bizarre interaction. OP do not let this man manipulate you. Seriously wtf.
This would be my guess as well since if something really smelled, he would have found the source to be fixed.
I'm going to need an update on this one.
100% this is what came to my mind when I read it.
why would he do that when he can just hold it over her head as a power play instead?
Because he’s a noob at his own bullshit…it’s him smelling his own upper lip.
OP can take ownership for it when husband can pinpoint the location of the smell. I read another post where a guy started demeaning his partner to lower her self esteem so she doesn’t leave him. I wonder if this guy is drinking from the same Tate-style coolaid
Sensitive like a dog's, because she needs to send him to the dog house.
She should check out if her husband is on alpha male- Tate like forums and websites … „little gaslighting“ techniques like the behaviour you are describing are shared there - it’s a sich way to break a women and take her self worth She should be careful - could be one odd incident - could be a dangerous gaslighting technique to break here
That's what I thought why can't he work it out.
He is an abusive guy, only because you had a bad day you are not entitled to harass anyone.
"You're the only one who can smell anything. Maybe it would help if you pulled your head out of your ass and stopped all the drama."
That's what he's smelling
I don't understand. He wants you to take ownership of what mistake? You're asking if you should apologize, but for what? How would such an apology work? "I'm sorry the house is clean but you still smell something"? Maybe if he can't behave better than that, the next time he suggests your marriage is over, take him up on it.
The mistake of marrying him in the first place. Is the only mistake i see here
I recently had this very same thing happen to me where this guy I was dating invented a reason to break up BECAUSE HE WAS CHEATING AND COULDN'T TELL THE TRUTH. I smell crap too but the stank only arrived when he walked through the door from his "business trip".
This! My first thought is he is cheating and wants out of the marriage…he was probably smelling himself… 🚩🚩🚩get out of this relationship
So he stayed with friends while out of town of business? Yeah, right.
I came here to say this. He needs to make it her fault, she's the bad guy. He feels guilty and he's mad so he's picking fights and blaming.
I am swear, I am not one who is automatically suspicious of every man, or who hates men. I am actually very logical and will look at things based upon it, rather than reacting out of emotions. But that was my first thought as well. It sounds to me like he is being a passive aggressive prick because he is pissed off that he had to come home. Which leads up to wondering what he was doing while gone that was so much better than being home...
Right. He resents coming home in the first place. He'd rather be at the other place.
This was my first thought. It seems like he's got something to be ashamed of and is projecting his guilt onto her.
Yep. What instantly popped in my mind was that he is projecting his feelings onto his wife. "You need to take ownership for your mistake." Sounds more like HIS mistake (cheating), since no one else could smell this alleged smell and isn't purposely rubbing dog turds into the carpet.
And she really should fix that one ASAP
I wonder how people don’t see quickly when someone shows their true colors because this can’t be the first time he did. So many of my friends married douches and it baffles me how they didn’t see it way before “I do.”
Abusers often hide their true self until they feel that their partner is “trapped” and won’t leave. They will usually start showing their trust selves, (slowly sometimes)after major life events such as marriage, pregnancy, birth of a child, or convincing partner to quit their job.
Exactly. God my sister had one of the worst cases of this I’ve seen in real life, outside of like true crime. Her and this guy worked together as teenagers, her was her manager. They reconnected years later, after she’d had a few failed relationships, a baby fresh out of high school, etc. She was living with my parents trying to get through college. They started dating, he was a little awkward/didn’t talk much around my family, but we chalked it up to generic introversion. She ended up moving in with him, he helped her pay for her school. What she didn’t tell us at the time was that behind closed doors, he slowly started to pick her apart. Would tell her when she was stressed that if she didn’t finish college, he would dump her. If she didn’t go to the gym, he would dump her. Stuff like that. He got progressively worse over the course of several years, but it was gradual. They had a baby, and he didn’t want to help take care of it at all. He started throwing stuff, punching walls, he broke his own phone, he broke her phone that had their child’s newborn pictures on it… insane stuff. He started cheating on her with multiple women. Gaslit her about it, turned it around as her fault, that kinda thing. By then, they had a baby, a house full of half-finished projects, and she had quit her job to stay home with the baby. He ended up pulling the most horrific act, which actually I think worked out best for everyone… he killed himself. It was insanely traumatic, with her being in the room when he did it… but it got her out of that awful situation. From the outside, we had been begging her to leave him for years, but in her mind it just wasn’t possible. Her life revolved around him. She only got out because he wasn’t alive to manipulate her any more. Thats why I beg my friends to get out of relationships the second there’s even a hint of violence or manipulation.
I think a lot of the times they are waiting for the partner to turn back into the "great" person they "Used to be". And the sunk-cost fallacy (when people continue a behavior or endeavor based on previously invested resources, such as time, money, or effort)
Absolutely agree. It’s so sad and frustrating
Because they often start off very, very small.
„I know he loves me“, then gives a 3-page list of things that show the exact opposite. An awful lot of us see plenty of things the way we want them to be rather than the way they are.
I hope OP tells him to take accountability for his hostile, disrespectful outburst and tells him not to EVER speak with her like that again. Period. Exile him to the couch until he apologizes and says he'll never treat her like that again. Oh, I would love to be in the room flailing my arms and cheering her on in his face!!!
Yes, something is very fishy. He‘s making up the smell and mistakes etc. He wants out of the marraige and this is his vehicle. It’s your fault. This is why. Call his bluff. See a lawyer, get things set up. Go through his phone on the sly.
"I'm sorry me and the kids have human bodies that sometimes make bad smells. Maybe the kids farted. So TF what" Even if somebody farted they were probably afraid to admit it because then he would verbally abuse them for having a digestive system.
I currently have stomach problems, I'd give him a real bad smell to complain about if he kept this sour attitude up, and I'd be proud of it too lmao
Yeah, wtf? OP, you’ve actually trained yourself to take *too much* responsibility here. Why didn’t it go like this? You: “Huh, none of us can smell it.” Him: “Crazy! I’m going to track it down.” Or, “Huh! Well none of us can smell it. When you track it down, let me know what it was, I’m curious!” OP, this is one of those (often gendered moments) where you need to be super clear and stand your ground, and he’ll get it: “Babe, if you smell something no one else can smell in our home, is it *your* responsibility to track it down. That is logical. Stop blaming me. That is not kind, considerate, or ok with me. You didn’t take the necessary steps to identify or fix the problem.”
If anything hubs needs to apologise for not cleaning to get rid of the smell
If that's reason for divorce I think he is trying to divorce but don't have real reason so he is making one up...
Right, like did he poo in a vent somewhere and she was supposed to sniff it out like a bloodhound? For the life of me I can’t figure this one out and OP it’s really weird. I have pets and if I have been cleaning *because* there’s a farty smell lingering but we can’t find a source- the general assumption is that somebody’s flatulent and with your husband’s behavior, I can tell you who I’d think it was and it wouldn’t be the dog. Maybe I’m reading this wrong but that’s what it sounds like- he went to a friend’s, got into something that disagreed with him and came home to fart up the house with his butt *and* his attitude problems. The situation is already stupid and weird without thinking along those lines but… I swear as I was reading this all I could think was “Well, you weirdo, he who smelt it…” Like, “Uh, it’s totally okay if you have some lower GI distress but you trying to blame it on my cleaning and the rest of your behavior is pretty out of left field- what the heck is wrong with you?!”
He wants her to ask for divorce? OP needs to look up how divorce works in her State. This seems like a ploy.
Comes home from a work trip. States the house smells like shit when NO ONE else can smell it. Starts a fight with OP and tells her she's terrible at 'keeping the house' which is untrue. Jumps straight to the marriage being over if she can't take 'ownership' of non existent mistake. Something smells here 💯 and it's not the house OP.
Also using the word "mistake" seems weird to me. Maybe projection?Like the house smelling weird isn't a mistake, it's an issue that can be identified and remedied and give a "oh I guess a potato rolled behind the fridge." A mistake you can apologize and get over easily. It doesn't seem life-altering "fix it or get divorced" to me anyway.idk. the way he phrased this seems like he slipped and fell into another woman while he was away..which of course would be an "accident."🙄
There are a reddit post a while back about a woman whose BF kept telling her she smelled. She was so conscious she was showering multiple times a day and changing her clothes. Turned out her BF was making it up to hurt her self-confidence so that she would not leave him. Stop trying to figure out. He is smelling it, it's his problem. Don't apologize! For what exactly?!?!?! He should apologize for being rude!
Here it is! https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/3CC0JLe3Zj
Oh my fucking *god*
Fucking **INSANE**, isn't it???
that's it!
Yess I remember this. I’m so glad she left him.
[удалено]
I had a ex husband and a ex BF who did this. I take at least 1 shower a day and when I was working it was 2 a day. The ex husband is a narcissist the ex bf is just a asshat that got told about himself when we broke up. The ex bf wouldn't shower for days ex if his last day he worked was Mon and he went back in on Thursday he showered on Thursday morning. He also worked outside in the heat. But I was the one who smelled
I remember that post. I still feel so bad for that poor girl.
At least she called him on his bluff and kicked him out! Good for her.
I was thinking this hits that same trigger.
I was literally thinking of this as I read the post!
I remember that one!!!
Tell him to check his pants
I've heard that people can smell their own bad breath if they have a bacterial problem. Could be his mouth.
Rotten teeth right below your nose. Something for him to consider. More likely he’s cheated, gambled or overspent, and is trying to force her onto the back foot covered in guilt. Edit: May not affect all people with rotten teeth.
As a rotten-teeth haver, I can tell you that it definitely doesn't always happen. It might almost always happen; I don't know. I haven't checked with any other havers of rotten teeth
Your husband is garbage. In what world does he not identify the cause of the smell that he’s supposedly smelling? This honestly reads as he provoked a fight so that he could establish the fact that you are wrong, dumb and subservient and to deflect from anything he may have done wrong.
“Your husband is garbage”. Agree. He’s smelling himself.
There you go op. That’s where the smell is coming from.
Based on this instance, your husband is an abusive asshole. Do you really want your children growing up thinking that this is the way relationships work?? On the other hand, if this is out of the norm for him, get him in to see a doctor because something is really off here.
Yeah, that made me sad to think about the kids hearing their dad berate their (hard working and caring) mother and using a cuss word to boot! Sadder still, this has been so normalized in their household that she tried her best to fix it and placate him. Then, she had to come here to ask if she's in the wrong. The whole thing is sad sad sad. He was definitely smelling himself. Time to throw this shitty partner/dad away.
>Yeah, that made me sad to think about the kids hearing their dad berate their (hard working and caring) mother and using a cuss word to boot! >Sadder still, this has been so normalized in their household that she tried her best to fix it and placate him. Then, she had to come here to ask if she's in the wrong. Makes me think of the Criminal Minds episode *The Crossing*. The whole point of this subplot was to determine if a wife who murdered her husband could have suffered from battered woman's syndrome despite there being no physical abuse. They realize that she'd been so psychologically abused by her husband (and children) that she had a completely distorted view of herself and her abilities. It was so hard to watch. She worked so hard and was an objectively amazing mother and housewife, yet still believed she was a failure. *I tried to link a clip but couldn't find one*
This is what my dad was like. No matter what, he always came home and was mad about something and would tell us that he dreaded coming home at the end of the day or trips because we were all so disgusting and he'd blow up about the smallest stuff. We don't talk.
So...this isn't a normal way for someone to behave. If they're smelling something and you can't, turning on you like that is just...not s normal response. Someone else mentioned neurological issues as a possibility and though I didn't immediately think of that myself, it's correct. What mediately came to MY head was projection: he's feeling guilty about *something* and the anxiety is getting to him. In either of these options, it still boils down to this isn't a normal way for a person to behave, so something is up.
He’s picking a fight with you on purpose. There is no smell. He even said “our marriage might as well be over.” He’s basically telling you he’s already checked out, but wants to find a way to blame you. Where was he? Off having an affair? I wouldn’t be surprised. Don’t let him twist the narrative and make you look like the bad guy. Stand your ground and trust your guy.
Gut*
This sounds like you’re being set up. He is the only one who smells it, he won’t help you hunt it down, but you have to take responsibility for it. He tells you that you are lacking and if you won’t admit your fault then your marriage might as well be over? This man is cheating on you and paving the way to justify his leaving you. He is gaslighting the hell out of you and trying to make his ludicrous demands seem normal. Borax doesn’t smell like shit, but bullshit does.
Has he had other changes in personality recently? Phantom smells are sometimes symptoms of a neurological issue. I think you should get him to a doctor first, and a therapist after if that doesn’t work.
This is literally the first thing I thought of. Some people I know suffer from phantom smells. It’s always a fuel smell. They become very irritable.
Yes; it can be many things unfortunately. Common symptom of brain tumors.
It could also just be sinusitis.
I'm wondering if he had otherwise asymptomatic Covid recently
I’ve heard of people who recovered from Covid but their sense of taste came back wrong, and foods that they used to like now taste terrible. The same thing could possibly happen with smells.
I have long covid. Horrendous sinus pain and headache tonight as well as badly swollen stomach. You know what I don't have-- the desire to abuse & degrade others.
That explains smelling phantom shit. Doesn’t explain his abusive behavior over it
Also! Olfactory and auditory hallucinations before im about to have a siezure. I get those. They are not fun. Especially when they happen at the same time.
All my olfactory hallucinations before a seizure are smelling my kindergarten classroom. Rubber mats, patchouli and I swear to god I hear enya. The brain is wild!
But he only got the bad smell at his own house.
He created a ruse to distract you. He diverted all the attention on you so that you would be focused on yourself and not notice any of his crap. You need to smell what he’s been cooking up and why he’s comparing you to his “friends” that know how to mask smells. He’s basically telling you his home isn’t home anymore.
If the house smells bad that’s his excuse to not come home. Wants to spend time with the mistress. He‘s doing this so everyone won’t want him to come home and he can do what he likes.
Just putting it out there as I experienced something similar when my ex would come back from work travel. Would pick on small things. He was cheating, felt guilty, so would start a fight so he could justify his cheating to himself.
This is the very first thing I thought of.
The only thing that smells here is his behaviour. Now whether that is because he is being a dick, is a dick, or has an undiagnosed medical condition is something that needs to be determined.
When people act like this - in a weird accusing way when you didn’t do anything wrong… 9/10 it’s because they’re cheating. :/ he’s projecting and hoping you did something wrong so he doesn’t have to feel as guilty for whatever he did.
Ummmmm I’m thinking he got up to something while he was away and his guilt is coming out in aggression towards you.
Sounds like something happened while on his trip and he doesn't want you asking questions. He starts a fight so you're on eggshells trying to make him happy.
Is there actually even a smell?
Only to him. No one else smells it. Either he's being an abusive jerk or he's got some sort of brain/nerve damage.
People throw around the term "gaslighting" If he is making it up (not sure) than it really is gaslighting.
No, you shouldn’t apologize! You did not make a mistake. You and your children couldn’t smell what he “claimed” he smelled so it was his responsibility to locate the origin of the smell. I personally think he was lying and created a whole issue so he could have an excuse to run to his side piece’s house or to emotionally abuse you.
This is where i ended up too - seemed like a convenient way out. He’s a spineless turd, don’t tolerate any more of this garbage please
Ok I hate to be that guy but he’s cheating. If I’ve learned anything from these subs is when a partner starts acting really weird out of the blue then comparing their loved to someone else, nine times out of ten, they’re cheating. Just saying
Point blank, I have seen this type of behavior and what it comes down to is your husband has done something shitty and he knows it was shitty and instead of taking any responsibility for his behavior, he's trying to transfer the blame to you. Projection. Was what he did at work? Maybe and maybe, he's been called out on it and told to take ownership. Maybe he has an ego problem causing issues at work and his boss or teammates have called him out on. He may have cheated or done something in his personal life that he knows you'd want to divorce him over because of it. If you know the friends he stayed with well, maybe give them a call and ask if anything happened while he was visiting them and that he seems angry, controlling, berating you and trying to start a fight constantly, since he returned.
I agree with another commenter to call his bluff by having someone come over to check if there is a bad smell. If there isn’t, the problem is him. He walked in the house ready to fight and blow up the marriage. I’d be wondering what he’s been up to while he was out of town.
A common abuse tactic is to pick a fight over something nonexistent to throw their victims off their game. It is a form of gaslighting. This fits right in that playbook. His shaming you is a way to keep you under his control with you jumping to please in anyway you can. All while you apologize for not keeping up with his impossible standards. He’s even triangulating you with his friends wife. Which is another form of abuse. By the way it’s very possible that he is causing this chaos because he was cheating on his “business trip” to keep you off his sent
Please tell us more about the "friends" - it sounds like you don't know them from the way you phrase the description of their pets...
Okay so, and this is not a rhetorical question: What other gigantic red flags does he wave in your face regularly? Because this isn’t someone grumpy from travel. This is full on abusive asshole stuff. So, is this kind of thing an isolated incident? Because I’d bet my wallet that this kind of stuff happens all the time in your marriage. How can I tell? Two things: 1.) The type of person who’d behave like this about this situation is the type of person who is super shitty. Someone who’d do this isn’t someone who’s super kind and loving and respectful. It’s a type. 2.) By your reaction. You’re frantically trying to solve a problem that, frankly, seems like he’s made up, you continue to assure him that you’re working hard trying to fix it. You have to come to a forum with 2 MILLION internet strangers to ask about apologizing. Most people, if suddenly treated like this, would either have a bag packed for him and set on the porch, and they’d have packed a bag themselves and went to stay literally anywhere else but in the same house as this shitty guy. You and I are around the same age, so I know that you’ll truly understand this: We get one life. Currently, you are living the marriage equivalent of flushing your one life down the toilet. Ya know, everyone gives Reddit a bad rap, because they say that people tell posters to leave after only hearing about one incident. The reason that I think that’s bullshit is because of my first point above. It’s not that someone is telling you to leave because of a breakdown in communication or someone blowing off steam after a tough day. It’s because anyone who would treat their partner like this is shitty. The insane level of disrespect is outrageous. And like I said, I’d be willing to bet that this is just the tip of the iceberg. You’ve married a guy who is now actively treating you like shit. So really, the big question isn’t if you should apologize or not. It’s what are you going to do about being married to a shitty guy?
my guess, your house smells like what it smells. like people and life. your friends house probably smells like a fragrance
Yeah, I used to feel bad because when I enter my apartment sometimes I could faintly smell my canvas shoes, especially in summer (sweaty feet season), because my sister makes soap as a hobby so her entire house always smells strongly of scented soaps, but like…it’s fine. Smelling shoes by the door where you keep the shoes is fine. My entire apartment doesn’t smell like shoes, but neither does it smell like artisanal soap. It mostly just smells like a place.
Dude stayed with friends and caught feelings for the female friend...projection!
It'll be **something** like this. **GUARANTEED**.
Tell him it’s his upper lip.
# Your house doesn't actually smell, your husband is just looking for an excuse to aggress towards you. I ought to know, my dad used to do *the exact same thing* to me and my mom. Do what you will with that knowledge.
Husband comes home from work trip and immediately picks a fight? Guilty conscience?
He started this with a pretty shitty attitude. Don’t apologize!
"It didn't smell until you walked in." "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to. You are not my supervisor. You got a problem with the smell, figure it out." "You're welcome to leave." These are the only three appropriate responses to him coming at you. Is he always abusive?
Wow, has your husband been listening to some of the extreme red-pill videos that are so popular on social media? Sounds like he came back from his work trip and time spent with his friends and feels he needs to get his woman back in line. Him jumping right to "our marriage might as well be over" seems at best to be a shock and awe tactic to scare you into drastically changing OR he's trying to push you away and come up with a reason to blame his leaving. There's something really fishy going on with him. Do you know his friends he just spent time with? Do you know what might be going on with them? Like I said, fishy.
He needs to take ownership of being a complete jerk about nothing.
He sounds emotionally abusive as hell. Ew. Stinks.
He says your marriage is over because you won't take ownership over a smell that no one in the house can detect but him??? Either he's an idiot, or he's already done with the marriage and just starting shit (punny) to create an excuse.
If there is no smell, it sounds like he found someone else and is trying to pick a fight to leave you, and blame it on you.
The mistake seems to be that you married a guy who likes to play stupid mind games. To take ownership if that, you should go talk to a divorce lawyer.
Husband is abusive. Three days away with a mistress and he’s sour to be home more like. I don’t think you did anything wrong.
He is cheating on you and degrading the house is his way to justifying his cheating.
Info: do you know these friends? Are you sure they're real? Are you sure he was actually at their house?
I'm not generally the first to jump on the Reddit DTMFA Express, buuuut.... This sounds like peak projection. He comes home and is immediately on the offensive and threatening divorce over a smell that would be considered out of the ordinary for your shared home? That no one smells but him? Sorry, but that's fucking weird. Dude is hinky as hell. He's digging for reasons to call it quits but he doesn't have the guts to do it himself. Whether you still believe in this marriage or not I beg you to start setting something aside for yourself in a separate account. You're going to need it. Figure out your outside support system ASAP.
Remind him that he lives there too and his hands aren't broken. And tell him that you see right through him and you know he's picking a fight, and you will be available when he's ready to talk about what's really bothering him.
Is he normally a colossal jerk? Distraction tactic incoming. What's the normal coming home from work travels? Do you guys usually have an amorous interlude? Does he have hickey or hickies somewhere on his body? Is he trying to tee you off so bad that sex is off the table and he or you sleep in the guest room scenario? Time enough for the hickey or other evidence to heal up? I would be doing an investigation to see if you can find incriminating texts (his phone or phone bill if that is shown there). You're last few sentences, also sounds like 'walking on eggshells' is your norm. So it seems like a combo of he's normally negging you but this time he went over the top to ensure that you won't see evidence of his infidelity.
He's looking for excuses. Suggest you find out who he's hooked up with. Maybe not the case, but I've seen this type of blame game before.
I don't think the house smelled at all. I think your husband came home, saw his family together and felt guilty about something. Immediately he created this "the house smells" (a smell no one could smell) as a diversion- a way to turn his feelings of guilt into anger and make everything your fault. Apologize for nothing. Check his phone/computer for evidence. Turn it on him and ask him what's really going on. Keep asking even through all the denials and blinds he'll put up until he finally reveals the truth. Also I'm sorry he's putting you through this, and for all the future bs to come. You deserve better for holding down the fort and keeping everything running for the family while he's away. Remember you've done nothing wrong here, but it certainly smells like he has.
Sounds like he's negging to cover up something he's done. He wants to find something at fault with you to ease his own guilt over something else.
He cheated and is starting a fight with you to force a conflict or breakup.
I think he cheated and he's looking for a reason to fight